Searching for Jim

Limit.

One. Wild World.

Now that I’ve lost everything to you

You say you wanna start something new

And it’s breakin‘ my heart you’re leavin’

Baby, I’m grievin‘

But if you wanna leave, take good care

I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear

But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world

It’s hard to get by just upon a smile

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world

I’ll always remember you like a child,¹

1.

‘Can you hear me?’

I blinked but refused to open my eyes completely.

‘I know you’re awake.’

I really did not want to wake up as I felt warm and very comfortable where I was – that dozing moment before you wake up after a really good Sunday morning lie in.

‘How do you feel?’

The persistent voice intruded so, at last, I opened my eyes.

A woman with shoulder length dark hair with lines of grey through it, smiled nervously at me, her eyes wide behind a large pair of black rimmed glasses. A gold chain with a small cameo broach hung around her slender throat.

The fact she was dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging from her neck brought me up with a jolt!

She’s a doctor!

I’m in a hospital?

‘Relax,’ she said softly and then asked again, ‘How do you feel?’

‘I’m…I’m ok – I…I think,’ I replied cautiously, blinking.

Completely disoriented, I looked down at myself – I was in a bed – and wearing a light blue hospital gown.

Definitely hospital! I’m a patient in a hospital.

For the first time, I noticed that there were others in the room. There were people in white coats standing behind the woman who had just asked how I was and I squinted to try to make them out. I thought they were all female, although I couldn’t see all of them.

What’s wrong with my eyes?

‘Can you see?’

The woman doctor – I assumed she was a doctor – asked and her voice was soft and gentle – concerned.

I licked my lips.

‘It’s a bit blurry,’ I said softly, running my fingers through my hair, pushing it back off my forehead as I tried to understand my surroundings.

Where am I?

What am I doing here?

What happened?

‘We’ll check your eyes later,’ the woman said. ‘Apart from that, how are you feeling?’

‘I’m… I’m a little thirsty.’

‘Of course.’

She turned and signalled to someone in the group behind her and a young woman hurried to pour water from a silver jug into a glass.

‘Thanks,’ I said, giving her an anxious smile. I took a long sip and the water tasted wonderful - crisp and clean.

I took another mouthful and, as I drank, I used the time to try to understand what had happened and where I was. My head was spinning and I was confused and a little frightened. The frightening thing was that I couldn’t remember!

Did I have an accident or something?

‘Do you remember me?’

I turned and looked at the woman and stared at her for a moment. Seemingly, everyone in the room held their breath.

Was she familiar?

Desperately, I searched my mind for memories, trying to remember anything!

‘No,’ I said after a moment, ‘I’m afraid, I don’t remember you.’

I sensed that my answer was disappointing to the woman as well as the group as I felt an inaudible sigh of disappointment rustling through them.

‘Am I supposed to remember you?’ I asked softly, desperate for any information, and the woman smiled brightly.

‘I’m Hester Scott,’ she said, carefully avoiding my question.

Again, she waited for her name to register. I blinked at her, trying to sort through my Swiss cheese mind, wishing I could remember her name but I could not.

‘Sorry,’ I said sadly, guessing they were waiting for my answer, ‘that doesn’t ring a bell either.’

‘Do you remember your name?’

It was a male voice from the back of the room and I squinted past Hester as a man stepped forward so I could see him.

A bald man – I think he shaved his head – in a white coat stepped forward. He was gruff and I saw Hester give him a little frown.

My own name – I should remember that!

I tried to think and, again, everyone seemed to hold their breath - waiting.

‘No,’ I said at last, afraid again, ‘I can’t remember. What has happened to me? Was I in an accident?’

‘Yes,’ Hester said brightly, shooting the man a warning frown, ‘you were in an accident of sorts but you are fine now.’

‘But…but I can’t remember anything,’ I stuttered, ‘I can’t remember my name! What has happened to me?’

Dangerously close to a full bout of tears, I sniffled against the back of my hand as the implications of my situation engulfed me emotionally. Hester moved quickly to slip an arm around my shoulders.

‘You have temporary amnesia…’

‘Amnesia? Do I really have amnesia?’

‘Yes…’

‘Temporary? You mean I’ll get my memory back?’

‘We think so,’ she said carefully.

‘I mean,’ I wailed, ‘I can’t remember my name! My name! Do you know it? What is my name?’

They all exchanged concerned glances. Again, they all seemed to hold their breath.

Hester said carefully, ‘it’s Norah.’

‘Norah?’

More glances and Hester seemed a little nervous.

‘Yes.’

‘Norah,’ I repeated, tasting it in my mouth. ‘No,’ I said after a moment, ‘it doesn’t sound familiar. Are you sure?’

‘Yes,’ she said, looking quickly around, ‘I’m sure it will become familiar.’

‘But…but it doesn’t feel right…’

‘Is there a name that feels right?’ Hester asked softly, watching me intently, and I tried to think.

Something nudged the edges of my mind but I could not nail it down; some thing or some one drifting on the edges of my addled mind.

‘No,’ I answered, ‘no other name. Norah sounds…I don’t know, different?’

‘I’m sure you will get used to it again in time,’ Hester said. ‘Now,’ she added in a bright voice, ‘I expect you’d love a bath!’

She turned and gestured to some women in pale blue uniforms who purposefully moved forward.

The bald man studied me for a long moment and then quietly left the room.

2.

The bath was lovely and I emerged feeling fresh and clean. Wrapped in a towel, I stared at my face in the mirror, trying to remember.

Is that me?

It was like looking at a stranger’s face! And that was exceptionally weird!

I mean, this is my face! I should know it backward and yet it appeared almost foreign.

Critically, I examined my face, trying to see something that would appear familiar. It felt peculiar to be searching what was supposed to be my own face for familiar marks. The face seemed new, a face that was unfamiliar, almost a stranger!

Angular face with a nose that was a little too long for it to be glamorous and my dark hair was short and curly, coming to just above my shoulders. Eyes dark brown and my eyebrows thick and bushy while my lips were full and unfamiliar. There was a small spot – a birthmark – on my left cheek near the corner of my mouth. My reaction to that birthmark was strange, almost surprise as if I was just discovering the mark!

My fingers shook as I lightly touched the birthmark and nose lightly.

I stepped back and looked hard at the mirror.

I’m not tall, beautiful or glamorous but, above all, it doesn’t feel like me!

The face in the mirror does not look familiar at all! I don’t feel it is me!

It was suddenly terrifying! Would I ever get my memory back, would I see myself in the mirror?

One of the nurses, who had helped me with the bath, poked her head around the door.

‘Everything all right, sweetie?’

‘Yes,’ I said slowly, ‘just trying to remember.’

‘It’ll come back,’ she reassured, ‘it usually does. Now, we have some clothes for you. I expect you would like to be out of the hospital gown. It can be draughty!’

I smiled ruefully at that and followed her into the room.

‘I’m Joni, by the way,’ she said, busy taking clothes from a bag.

I smiled at her and then frowned.

‘I can’t remember stuff, Joni,’ I said worriedly.

She immediately turned and I saw concern in her eyes.

‘I know,’ Joni said quietly, ‘as Doctor Scott said, you have amnesia.’

‘I know,’ I said worriedly, ‘but I can’t remember simple stuff!’ I flicked my curly hair. ‘I can’t remember how to do my hair, for goodness sakes!’

Joni blinked, glanced away for a moment and then smiled brightly.

‘I’ll help you and show you if you like? Luckily, your hair is not overly long. It’s shortish like mine and easy to look after, especially with those tight curls of yours.’

Joni glanced around and I suddenly guessed hidden cameras were watching us.

Why?

‘Yes,’ I said, forcing a smile, ‘please show me. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten everything!’

3.

‘What do you think of that?’

Joni flicked my hair with her fingers and waited for my reaction. She was standing behind me and looking at my reflection in the mirror.

‘It looks ok, I guess,’ I said with a shrug.

‘Just ok?’ Joni teased.

‘I guess I’m not used to this face,’ I said slowly.

‘You will in time,’ Joni said slowly.

For a moment, I sensed she was about to say something but stopped herself.

I turned to look up at her.

‘Do all amnesia patients forget their own faces?’

‘You’ll have to ask Doctor Scott that,’ Joni said brightly. ‘Now, a little lipstick?’

I pulled a face in the mirror.

‘I can’t remember how to put it on. Do I need it?’

‘It can’t hurt. Here, I’ll show you how to apply it.’

I tasted the lipstick on my lips and frowned at my reflection. It didn’t feel right but I blamed my strange confusion on the amnesia.

At least the clothes – faded hipster jeans, slipons and a white top - were comfortable but the bra pulled and felt tight. In short, it was uncomfortable.

‘Where am I, Joni?’

‘Just outside of Manchester.’

‘Manchester? That’s in England, yes?’

‘Yes, it is,’ she said evenly but I saw concern bubble in her eyes for a moment.

The door opened and Doctor Scott walked in.

‘How are you feeling, Norah?’

‘Ok,’ I said with a shrug, trying to become used to the question that everyone seemed to ask.

‘Feel like a walk?’

‘Ok.’

I stood and Doctor Scott watched me as I carefully walked across the floor. I was moving fine but my joints felt stiff and awkward.

‘How long was I unconscious?’ I asked and Joni shot Hester Scott a look and then kept tidying the brushes she had used to style my hair.

‘We’ll talk about that later,’ Hester said with a warm smile. ‘But first, we must get your eyes tested.’

‘Why?’

‘You are squinting when you try to see objects in the distance.’

‘Did I wear glasses before the accident, whatever the accident was?’

‘Yes,’ Hester said after a long moment, ‘you did. Are you really fine to walk?’

‘Yes, as long as we go slowly.’

The corridor was long and painted in a colour an interior decorator would definitely call Antique White. The bleak expanse of white broken by several framed colourful prints, all hanging in a precise line down one side of the hall.

As we walked down the corridor, we passed various other doctors and personnel who all glanced at me, smiled and stepped aside to allow us to pass.

It then occurred to be that something was missing and I stopped suddenly when I realised what it was.

No patients!

‘There are no other patients here!’

Doctor Scott stopped and looked back at me worriedly.

‘I’m the only patient here!’ I said. ‘Is this really a hospital?’

‘It is a research hospital,’ Hester Scott said, taking my arm to lead me down the corridor.

‘But,’ I said stubbornly, ‘I am the only patient?’

‘Yes,’ Hester said softly, ‘you are in this wing. There are patients in other wings. There is nothing to worry about.’

I studied Hester’s face and saw only warmth and concern. The harsh overhead light highlighted the streaks of grey in her hair and I wondered why she didn’t resort to a coloured rinse. Perhaps she wore the grey with pride, a badge of achievement and experience.

‘Isn’t it strange?’ I asked slowly. ‘This hospital has only one patient? Me!’

‘Norah, you are not the only patient in this hospital,’ Hester said firmly. ‘This is a research institution and there are other patients in the three other wings. It is a big place.’

‘But only one patient, me, in an entire wing?’

‘Yes, but there is a reason! This is a research…’

‘When will you tell me what you are hiding?’ I said and she whipped around, her face alive with a startled expression.

‘Wha…’

‘You are keeping something from me, aren’t you.’

‘What makes you…?’

‘I just guessed,’ I said quietly. ‘And there are cameras in my room, aren’t there? You are all watching me! I must be important to someone! It’s like being in my own mystery thriller! Why are you watching me?’

‘It’s for your own well being,’ Hester said quickly.

‘Why?’ I asked quietly. ‘Am I that sick? AmIa plague carrier or something?’

Hester sighed and guided me down the corridor a few steps before stopping again.

‘Norah,’ she said and it struck me that Hester used my name as if she was also unfamiliar with it, ‘we’re not hiding anything. It was felt that it was better to reveal things step by step…’

‘So,’ I murmured, ‘it must be really awful!’

‘No,’ Hester said with a short smile, ‘it’s not that awful but…’

‘But what?’

‘Professor Frankston will reveal all…’

’Who’s he? Is he the bald bloke that was in the room where I woke up? The one with a grumpy face who scowled at me?’

Hester giggled and for a moment, she appeared young and girlish, but the amusement was fleeting, and the mirth quickly vanished.

‘You certainly do not miss much, Norah.’

‘So I assume he is that bloke?’

‘Yes but I don’t think he would be amused by your description. He’s certainly not grumpy intentionally, just focussed.’

I looked at her intently.

‘Focussed on me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Am I supposed to be frightened of him? Will he hurt me?’

‘No! No, of course not! Everyone here wants to help you.’

‘Then, tell me what happened. How long was I unconscious?’

Hester sighed.

‘You were in a coma…’

‘Coma! Now, that’s bad, isn’t it?’

‘No, not in your case and that will be explained later.’

‘How long was I in the coma?’

‘You were asleep for almost a year…’

‘A year!’

Hester took my arm, quickly steered me into a room and moved me towards a chair.

‘Sit down. I’m sorry to break it to you like that…’

‘A year! I was asleep for a year?’

‘I said almost a year. It was a little over nine months…’

‘Close enough to a year! Wow! I don’t believe this!’

‘Unfortunately, it’s true.’

‘But…but do I have a family? Are they concerned? Did they visit? Will they visit?’

‘Look, Norah,’ Hester said softly, ‘it will all be explained soon. I promise you that you will know everything within a week and you should not be unduly alarmed.’

‘Easy to say, Hester, but this is all pretty alarming! Why a week?’

‘We need to complete tests to make sure everything is fine…’

‘Is there a problem?’ I quickly asked. ‘Am I ok?’

‘We think so but we need to make sure. Look,’ she said with a smile, ‘let’s get your eyes tested and then we’ll begin the other tests. The week will fly, ok?’

‘I suppose so,’ I said, staring at the white wall.

A year! I have lost a year of my life.

‘You know,’ I said morosely after a moment, staring at a cheap colourful print of a daffodil, ‘I can’t even remember how old I am! Or even my last name! I’ve lost everything!’

‘Not everything!’

‘It certainly feels like it! I’m struggling to remember stuff! Important stuff!’

Hester didn’t say anything and just smiled sadly.

‘Things will work out,’ she said at last and offered her hand. ‘Come on.’

Slowly, I took her hand and rose from the chair.

A year!

4.

‘Is that better?’

I peered through the glasses at the row of letters and nodded.

‘Everything is crystal clear. Do I have to wear glasses all the time?’

The doctor who had examined me and had organised the making of the eyeglasses, nodded. It amazed me just how quickly they