The Secret Keeper Holds On: The Secret Keeper, #4

1

Utter Exhaustion

D o you feel guilty doing this?

I stare at the ceiling liner of the Jeep from my reclined position and contemplate Brice’s question.

A little, I admit. You? I turn my head to look at his eyes, which are parallel with mine.

No, he answers, unconvincingly.

If I look anything like he does, then we need this. His face alone provides a good idea of what parenting three babies under the age of two will do to a person. He carries off tired well, though, like he’s happy to be zapped; like, I’m exhausted, but it’s so worth it. Look at my bewildered, shell-shocked smile and the cute bags under my eyes.

I don’t have cute bags under my eyes. I couldn’t tell you exactly how I look, though. I haven’t glanced in a mirror—I haven’t dared—in days.

I reach across the center console and wiggle my fingers so he’ll grab my hand. When he does, I squeeze his fingers and say, "Who’s to say how we have to spend our ‘us time’? Marianne and Clark wanted us to get away from the house and the kids. We’re away from the house and the kids."

We’re less than a mile away, he points out, in case I’ve forgotten.

So?

So I think they intended for us to go to dinner or a movie. Or both. Not hang out in our car. In a McDonald’s parking lot.

I’m too tired to get out of the car.

Me too.

Then be quiet, so I can get some sleep.

He smiles over at me. Okay. Just a few minutes, though. Right? Squinting at his phone, he grasps it in his free hand and pokes at some buttons on the screen with his thumb. I’m setting an alarm. That way, we can wake up and actually do something. Or go somewhere. Or at least have a conversation.

I close my eyes, rubbing my head back and forth on the rest beneath it, trying to get comfortable. Whatever, I mumble noncommittally.

It’ll get better.

Mmmph.

I feel his lips against my hand. It will. They’re only a month old, still so little and helpless and—

Loud?

He laughs. Um, yeah. Sometimes. Well, Harris isn’t loud.

He’s right; Harris seems to be in the same boat with Brice and me, watching helplessly as Max and Brooks wreak havoc on the world. Max is nineteen months old, so his noises usually relate to playing or incessant babbling. Brooks, Harris’s twin, is the quintessential fussy newborn. But Harris? He’s so laid back that I asked his pediatrician if there was something wrong with him.

Dr. Baum simply smiled and said, This is probably exactly how it was in utero. Brooks jostled for more elbow room and was an all-around higher-maintenance fetus, while Harris was merely along for the ride. Personality is a powerful thing, and it develops earlier than we can probably even imagine.

So he’s not… slow? I asked.

Well, we won’t know that for a while, but I wouldn’t worry about it, based on his behavior so far. He’s simply being himself. If he’s not hitting his developmental milestones in a few months, we’ll reevaluate. Till then, be grateful that you have one content baby.

He patted me on the knee and left me to bundle up two infants—one of whom was squalling, as usual, and the other sleeping as if he were in a silent, soundproof room—and their older brother, whose new favorite game is to make me chase him everywhere we go. That is, when he’s not loving on his baby brothers—and nearly braining them in the process (he doesn’t understand the concept of gentle yet).

Now I say to Brice, You’re right; Harris isn’t loud. He’s just always hungry.

He chuckles. That’s my boy.

I know you’re not being perverted.

What?! Of course not. I meant it in the most wholesome way possible. Sheesh. Making me blush over here. After a short silence, he asks, Wanna make out?

Not in a McDonald’s parking lot!

So if I drive somewhere else, you’d be up for it?

I turn on my side, away from him, facing the passenger door. No. Leave me alone. Haven’t you gotten us into enough trouble? We’ve resorted to sleeping in your car outside a fast food restaurant, because our house is a zoo.

After a big sigh, he says, "We have three kids. That’s hardly a zoo. Although the twins are two little monkeys."

Shhh. I’m sleeping.

You have fifty minutes.

My ass.

Gerrrouchy!

He can call me every name in the book, but I’m not budging from this car until I feel at least halfway human again.

Oddly enough, I wake up first, before the cell phone alarm, even. I stretch, then roll over so I’m facing Brice. He’s on his back, one knee bent, his other long leg straight, disappearing under the steering wheel, where I imagine his foot is wedged between the gas and brake pedals in the floorboard. I can’t resist smiling at how sacked out he is. He must have been even more tired than I was, which stands to reason, considering he’s very much back into the swing of things at the church.

Harris and Brooks were remarkably cooperative to be born two weeks early, in mid-November rather than at the end of the month, nearer to their due date, so Brice got an entire week off with us, but he and I knew that would be the limit. It was only a matter of days before things ramped up again, and when they did, it was a mad dash to Christmas.

While the twins arrived early, the post-tornado church reconstruction wrapped up a full month later than planned, the week before Thanksgiving. Church staff members settled into their new digs in time for Advent, the season before Christmas, which is as—if not more—active than Christmas itself in the Lutheran Church. That meant midweek services, pre-Christmas toy and food drives, and all the church groups’ Christmas activities had to be squeezed into an already jam-packed calendar, which also included the new church dedication as well as the grand opening and dedication of Peace Lutheran Daycare and Preschool.

Of course, Brice has had some help from Peace’s associate pastor, Wayne Long, and our new assistant pastor, Wes Anthony. Unfortunately, Pastor Long prefers giving orders or pointing out perceived problems with orders already given by others. If you call that being helpful, he’s given loads of input. He’s made Lucy, the church secretary, cry more times than I can accurately recall, which is not at all useful when everyone’s working twelve- to fourteen-hour days to ensure things are running as smoothly as possible before Christmas.

Pastor Anthony, on the other hand, has been a much better helpmate. When we called him to be the new assistant pastor at Peace, life was anything but peaceful. The church had recently been hit by a tornado—literally—but that didn’t faze him. Fresh out of seminary, the twenty-six-year-old accepted our call and has been a quiet, calming influence throughout the rebuilding process.

Do I get a slightly strange vibe from him sometimes? Yes. But I’m sure that’s only because he’s so intensely quiet. Before meeting him, I’d never met anyone who commanded such a presence, often without saying a word. It feels like he can see into my soul. Let’s hope that’s not the case.

Despite his unnerving mannerisms, Pastor Anthony gets along well with Brice. The two of them have divvied up the workload according to each man’s strengths. If something requires a more outgoing personality—like a wedding or baptism—Brice takes care of it. If the job calls for a more somber or quiet presence—like a funeral or hospital visit—Pastor Anthony steps up. All three pastors have devised a complicated (in my view) rotation to decide who preaches the sermon and who leads the liturgy each Sunday. The odd man out sits in the congregation during the service.

I’m still not sure how I feel about having Brice in the pew with me once a month. It’s only happened once so far, but it was bizarre. Max loved it. I assume I’ll get used to it, but for now, it’s kind of unnerving.

I study Brice’s profile now. He’s been complaining that he gained a few sympathy pounds when I was pregnant with the twins, but to me, he looks like the same adorable, sexy pastor I married. Maybe a tad paunchier around the middle, but he hasn’t had a lot of time to jog lately. And who am I to judge? I just had two babies and find extra, fatty appendages all over my body daily (or so it seems). At least he attempts to run now and then. The last time I ran was when Max made a wobbly break for the street while I was preoccupied with trying to get Harris and Brooks from their car seats. (From now on, he’ll be the last child set free.)

Brice begins to stir, so I instinctively close my eyes and pretend I’m still dozing. My staring at him while he sleeps is one of his few pet peeves. I admit it’s creepy, but sometimes I can’t help it. We’ve only been married three years, after all. He still makes me feel like a stupid, giddy teenager.

Just as I’m trying to decide if I have the acting chops to pull off a full fake wakeup, his cell phone alarm chimes. Seconds after silencing it, he gently pokes my nose with his finger. I open my eyes and smile at him while blinking. All right, my cover’s blown right there. I never wake up smiling.

He doesn’t seem to notice the out-of-character behavior. Hey. I feel so much better! he declares in the middle of a stretch. Then he puts his seat in the upright position and looks out his window. Wow. This place is nuts. Major run on Big Macs tonight.

Christmas shopping makes people hungry. I too sit up. Let’s aim a little higher for our dinner, shall we?

Pulling his wallet from his back pocket, he opens it and winces at what he finds—or doesn’t find—inside. I don’t know. Somewhere with a dollar menu might be appropriate.

I wish I could pretend he was kidding, but money is tight right now. In spite of our medical and homeowners’ insurance, the hospital and doctor’s bills and roof repairs we had to make to our own house following the tornado took a huge bite out of our savings. Between that and the lower housing allowance we agreed Brice would take until the church paid for its new construction, my part-time job at the art gallery and boutique downtown isn’t as fanciful or superfluous as it was when I started it a few months ago.

We’re about to add a bigger car payment to the family budget, too, since I can’t fit three car seats in the back of my full-sized sedan. I’ve been driving Brice’s Jeep when I have to take all three kids anywhere, which is blessedly rare. As it is, we had to shell out quite a bit of money for narrow-profile car seats that would fit in his backseat. He’s been commuting to work in my car until we have time to go shopping for something bigger for me to drive. Not a minivan. I’m not thrilled about it, but we’re on the lookout for a deal on an SUV with a third row of seats. So far, nothing we’ve seen online has fit our shrinking budget or my requirement that I don’t look and feel like I’m driving a tank that could single-handedly use up every nonrenewable resource our planet has to offer.

Despite all these financial worries niggling at the back of my brain, I smile cheerfully. "Well, if you let me super-size my meal and get a chocolate shake, I can easily pretend I’m in a Michelin-rated restaurant." That is, if I also conveniently disregard the town in which we live—I’m not sure Springfield, Missouri, has any of those.

His resultant grin stirs those familiar butterflies.

Well, I believe we’re going to be late for our reservation, then, if we’re not careful. He hops down from the car and runs around to my side of the vehicle, so he can open the door for me. My bride.

I giggle and simper, Oh, my. Such a gentleman!

Inside the eatery, I reluctantly order a Happy Meal and a small chocolate shake, instead of the heart-attack burger and the extra-large cup of happiness with a straw that I really wanted to get. I mustn’t forget I’m nursing two babies, and empty calories won’t do. Darn it! After savoring my last fry, I sit back on my side of the hard plastic booth and sigh contentedly.

Brice laughs at me but quickly sobers. I do feel guilty eating this junk when we have a lifetime supply of casserole at home in the freezer.

I don’t. If I’d had to eat another casserole with ham chunks in it tonight, I probably would have cried.

Oh, come on.

I’m serious.

Everyone’s been so nice to bring us food. And to volunteer to stay with the kids so we have some time together alone.

Now he’s making me feel like a jerk. I didn’t say they weren’t nice. I just said I was sick of casserole.

He crumples the wax paper burger wrapper in front of him. I don’t want people to think we’re not grateful.

I roll my eyes. I’m not going to get up in front of everyone at church tomorrow morning and announce that I’m sick of casserole. Nobody’s going to know we aren’t tucking into one of seven billion combinations of meat, cheese, and cream-of-whatever soup at this very minute. Except Marianne and Clark. And hopefully, they’re eating some of that stuff for us.

Finally, he stops denying he agrees with me and gives in to a hearty laugh, but his glance freezes at something over my shoulder, and he abruptly quiets. Oh, Chicago!

What? I turn around and follow his eye line. It’s all I can do not to react physically when I see Pastor and Vivian Long headed our way. I turn back to Brice and quickly hiss, "What are they doing here?"

Defensively, he whispers back, I don’t know! How should I—Pastor Long! Vivian! How are you two tonight?

The six-foot-five clergyman smirks down at me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I barely resist the urge to shrug him off.

Brice widens his eyes and smiles tightly across the table at me while Pastor answers piously, We just finished shopping for the needy child we selected from the gift tree.

Vivian pats her helmet hair. "The real question is, where are your children?"

Before I can give them one of my signature sarcastic responses, Brice hurries to reply, Home, with responsible adults. The Pryces were nice enough to give us a break.

Vivian blinks rapidly and smiles. Oh. How nice! I remember the days when there was no such thing as a ‘break’ when it came to parenting. She punctuates this slam with a piercing laugh while I grit my teeth so hard I worry I may start a fire in my mouth.

Now, now, dear, Pastor interjects. Times have changed. Let’s not get Pastor Northam started on one of his favorite topics.

Brice chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. No, you’re absolutely right; we’re blessed to have such wonderful friends.

How does he do it? I worry for his health. Someday, he’s going to keel over from a stroke or a heart attack from restraining himself when around people like this. Right now, for example, he’s begging me with his eyes to be the silent pastor’s wife, to follow his lead, to hold my Irish temper in check.

My eyes respond with death threats when the Longs join us at our table, Vivian sliding into the booth next to me, Pastor next to Brice.

All joviality—even the faked kind—suddenly vanishes, though. Pastor levels a serious look at Brice, clamps his enormous, paddle-like hand on his shoulder, and says, It’s funny we should bump into each other here, now. Well, not funny, necessarily. I suppose God planned it this way, but in any case…

I sneak a peek at Vivian to see if I can glean anything from her expression, but she simply looks constipated as she watches our husbands.

What’s on your mind? Brice asks, zeroed in on his fellow clergyman’s eyes. His forehead crinkles, and his hand lands on Pastor’s unoccupied one on the table.

It’s time for me to retire.

My arms shoot up, like I’m starting the wave in the fast food joint, but halfway up, they realize that would be inappropriate. One arm redirects its hand to my neck, where it meets my shoulder, delivering a massage to the muscle there. The other hand lands on my hair, as if its intent all along was to merely tuck that wayward strand behind my ear. I clear my throat of its nearly escaped whoop of joy and simply smile mildly when Vivian turns her attention to me and my strange upper body contortions. I hastily fold both hands in my lap and assume an expression that I hope resembles the other three serious ones around the table.

Brice leans back in his side of the booth. Pastor folds his hands in the center of the table.

Why isn’t anyone talking?

When I can hardly take another second of the awkward silence and aim to fill it, even if it’s with something sure to be more awkward than the silence, because it’s coming from me, Brice rescues us all, saying stiffly, I see. Well. I take it you’ve already notified the Synod?

No! I wanted to tell you first, of course.

Ah. Yes. I appreciate that.

We’re ready to enjoy our grandchildren more fully, Vivian says. Iris has another on the way, due in the summer, you know.

With a tiny head shake, Brice replies, No. I didn’t know. But congratulations. That’s… wonderful.

You do understand, I hope? Pastor queries. Obviously, I’ll stay until you call a new associate pastor, if that’s what you want. Or need. The last thing I want to do is leave you in the lurch. Which is why I waited until now to tell you. I was going to announce my retirement months ago, but the tornado hit, and… Well, it didn’t seem like the right time then.

Brice bites his lower lip before saying, That was very thoughtful. I’m sorry you’ve had to postpone your plans.

Pastor waves his hand. Bah. What plans? Like Viv said, we’re ready to relax, but we’re not going anywhere. Springfield is our home. Peace is our family. And you don’t leave family when they’re in need.

Blinking and half-coughing, Brice fidgets. A closer study of his face reveals… Well, I’m not sure what’s going on there, but he appears unable to speak.

That’s my cue.

Pastor, Vivian, we’re so happy for you. And for us. What an exciting, new chapter in your lives! And ours. And we’re so glad you’ll still be around. Peace wouldn’t be the same without you. No, it would be a lot more peaceful.

Recovered, Brice seconds my verbal sentiments. Absolutely. And please, allow us to plan a big send-off for you. I’ll get Lucy started on it right away Monday morning. He turns to me. We should be getting home.

But— I start to protest, before seeing the determined set to his chin. Oh, boy. What fresh hell is happening? Yes. You’re right. I didn’t realize the time. Time for the night to be ruined by these two buffoons.

We say our goodbyes to the other couple, who stand up to place their orders, releasing us from the booth. We ride the five minutes home in silence. Brice is obviously lost in his thoughts, while I’m afraid to ask what those thoughts entail.

When we get home, Brice barely says thank you to Marianne and Clark before plunking himself down at his newly constructed desk under the stairs and shoving a pair of ear buds into his ears.

Marianne whispers, Is everything okay?

I honestly don’t know how to answer her.

2

Hidden Agenda

Kids have not only ruined my body, they’ve wrecked my skin. Every night in the winter, while Brice sits propped against our headboard, reading whatever boring nerd tome is his book du jour , I have to go about the tiresome and somewhat vain routine of oiling myself down. But it’s not about vanity (well, not completely). My skin is so dry since having kids that if I didn’t submit to this greasy nightly activity, Brice might wake up one morning to find himself a modern-day Lot, except instead of lying next to a pillar of salt, he’d be bedmates with a Peyton-shaped pile of dead skin cells. Gross.

Sometimes—but not tonight, since I still have another week before I’ll be cleared for such shenanigans by Dr. Klein—Lotion Time evolves into foreplay. And other times, like tonight, it gives me the opportunity to studiously avoid eye contact with my husband while I discuss things with him that he’d obviously rather not discuss.

Let’s talk about it, I suggest brightly, knowing he knows exactly what it is.

There’s nothing to talk about.

I snort. "Right. I’ll start. I’m effing thrilled that Pastor Long is finally retiring. Woot-woot!" I pump my lotion-slathered arms toward the ceiling in a ‘raise the roof’ motion.

Going back to rubbing moisturizer into my elbows, I continue, I’m not, however, thrilled that his announcement—so wonderful on the surface—ruined our up-till-then fabulous date night. I blow raspberries to underscore my displeasure.

When he says nothing at the end of my delightful monologue, I look over to see him with his nose buried in his book.

Brice!

That warrants a distracted Huh? but nary a glance in his peripheral vision.

Why are you so pissed off about Pastor Long retiring? This is a prayer answered.

Apparently figuring I’m not going to shut up until he says something on the subject, he sighs, tents his book over his crotch, and, staring straight ahead, says in a monotone, I’m not P.O.’ed about it.

Liar. My name-calling gets no reaction whatsoever, so I back it up with evidence. "When he first told us he was retiring, you looked like you could etch glass with your jaw. And you’ve been giving me the silent treatment ever since, as if I put him up to retiring. I wish!"

I’m processing it.

When we got home, you were practically rude to the Pryces, going straight to your desk and jamming in your earbuds.

I said ‘thank you’ and ‘goodnight.’ I had some things to do for tomorrow’s services. Now that my desk is in the middle of the house, I have to block out the noise somehow, or I’ll never get anything done.

It was your idea to have that desk nook built to free up the fourth bedroom as a guest room.

I’m not complaining; I’m explaining.

Anyway, what’s to process? Big Bird’s retiring! We can call an associate pastor who actually pulls his weight and works cooperatively and— and doesn’t make Lucy cry! I set my lotion bottle on my nightstand and wave my hands through the air, as if conducting an orchestra while drying the lotion on my skin.

It’s not that simple, he states quietly, then, Ow! when I inadvertently whack him across the side of the head.

Sorry! I lean over and kiss him on my way under the covers. Okay, so it’ll take a while to call someone. Maybe. But he said he’d stay on until we do. If you even need him, which I don’t think you do. He might as well leave now. He doesn’t do anything, anyway.

He does… stuff.

At this lame declaration, I laugh and look up at his pouty face. You’re being weird.

He crosses his arms over his chest. "I— I can’t believe him."

I wait, tired of dragging it from him. My patience pays off when, a few seconds later, he laughs mirthlessly, Telling me in a flipping McDonald’s!

Flipping. Wow. That’s as close to a real curse word as I’ve ever heard him use without actually saying the word. This is serious. Cautiously, I ask, "You’re mad because of where he told you? They ran into us; the opportunity presented itself. I don’t think it was part of a plan."

He rolls his eyes. I’m not saying it was, but it was still inappropriate. He’s waited this long to reveal his big news. What’s another couple of days?

The Spirit moved him.

Maybe it was indigestion.

They hadn’t eaten yet.

My point is, he’s been sitting on this a while. A long while. Just waiting.

Yeah. That’s what he said. Waiting for things to settle down, waiting for the right time. I can’t believe I’m defending this guy!

Bull roar!

I bite my lip to keep from giggling but only because I know he’s really upset, and I don’t want to upset him more. I pat his leg under the covers. Hon.

I guess I’m supposed to kiss his Adam’s apple because he didn’t go over my head and notify the Synod first.

Trying not to picture that, I reply, No, I think he realized that was the right thing to do.

"And what’s all this malarkey about Peace being his family? Well, they are our family! We know the real meaning of the word."

I gulp. "I don’t know. I got the feeling he was being sincere, for once. For the first time ever, I can’t find any fault with how he handled it. He waited until the reconstruction was over; he’s offered to stay until the new associate pastor starts; he told you before giving his notice to the Synod. What am I missing?"

I don’t know, but I’m missing it, too. And it’s driving me crazy. He moves to throw back the covers and get out of bed, but I hold onto his pajamas, nearly pantsing him.

Hey. What are you doing? It’s getting late, and there’s church tomorrow.

He pulls up on the waistband of his bottoms, yanking them from my grip. I can’t sleep. I’ll take the first feeding.

You’ll be dead in the morning.

Don’t worry about me. Get some sleep. With that, he takes his book—and his pants—and leaves the bedroom, turning off the light and closing the door softly on his way out.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t like it. When fussing from the baby monitor next to my head wakes me up this morning, and I realize I didn’t dream the conversation between Brice and me last night, I half expect to look out the window and see the sky on the ground and the ground in the sky. That’s how topsy-turvy the exchange was. Talk about role reversal! I was the one putting a diplomatic spin on something Pastor Long had done, while Brice railed against the associate pastor? Unprecedented.

I’m chalking it up to lack of sleep. I know only too well how it can make one do and say uncharacteristic things. That doesn’t mean I’m not worried, though. We could have several weeks—or months—of interrupted sleep ahead of us. If Brice goes off the rails, we’re in trouble. It can’t fall to me to keep the peace at Peace. That will not end well.

Grayish, early morning winter light streams through the uncovered glass arch above the window in front of the kitchen sink. I grab two bottles of breast milk from the fridge and plop them in warm water to heat while I trudge upstairs to retrieve Screamy and Squeaky before they wake up Stinky. (Mental note: stop letting Brice nickname our offspring.)

I change Brooks’s diaper first and shove a pacifier in his mouth, holding it for several seconds until he gets the hint that it’s in his best interest to keep it there. Harris temporarily stops squeaking (his version of fussing) after he has a dry diaper and I nestle him in the crook of my left arm, but I know I don’t have long to get a bottle in his mouth before he resumes his best impression of a car’s worn-out serpentine belt.

On the return trip to the kitchen, Brooks decides he’s had enough of the binky, and since nobody’s holding the pacifier in his mouth for him, he unceremoniously drops his lower lip and lets it fall, skittering over the banister. It seemed a pretty deliberate act to me, but now he’s acting like it was the biggest mistake of his short life, and he wants the whole neighborhood to mourn the lost pacifier with him.

Oh, for crying out loud, I grumble, wishing I wasn’t always so worried about falling down the stairs while carrying these two at the same time. It makes my descent agonizingly slow, especially when noise-stopping bottles await below. But you can’t rush safety, no matter how much a screaming child can unnerve you to the point of forgetting that important fact.

Finally, I arrive in the kitchen, where I deposit the two obviously starving babies in their bouncy seats on the kitchen island, test the milk’s temperature on my wrist, and plug a bottle into each blaring hole.

Into the resulting silence, I sigh. There. Has it really been that long? Your dad fed you, what, four hours ago?

I blow my bangs off my forehead, wishing I had a few more arms (long ones) so I could pour myself a cup of coffee from the pot that’s auto-brewing on the counter behind me. Instead, I resign myself to waiting until breakfast is over for these guys, and I take a seat in the nearest bar stool facing them.

It’s a good thing I like monkeys, I say sweetly to them. Because that’s what you are. Itty-bitty monkeys with hairy little shoulders and long fingers and toes. I kiss Brooks’s monkey toes, wondering where exactly his sock fell off on our way downstairs. Wherever it happened, I don’t expect to see the sock—or his binky—again. Things like that manage to disappear around this house.

Harris is finished in record time, as usual. Someday, I’ll be proudly watching from the crowd at Coney Island while he shoves a hundred hot dogs down his throat and dunks the buns in water to make them go down more easily.

Brooks likes to take his sweet time. For someone so frantic before feeding, he sure loses steam quickly. About halfway through the bottle, he’s flicking at the nipple with his tongue, dribbling milk down his chin and neck, and casually looking around the room like he has no clue what gave me the idea he was interested in eating in the first place.

Already dressed for church, Brice enters the kitchen while I’m burping Harris and Brooks waits impatiently for his turn. I still haven’t figured