What If... This Was Real?

What If...

This was real?

Heather Mar-Gerrison copyright 2018

Revised Edition 2022

Smashwords Edition

Fabulous front cover courtesy of

Shutterstock

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work.

When I thought about us being ‘just mates’, it occurred to me how we must have looked like boyfriends to the outside world for a while anyway… I wondered why that didn’t bother me more.

We used to share milkshakes with two straws, looking into each other’s faces and laughing like little kids when he blew down the straw and the bubbles splashed up into my face.

I’d also always put my arms around him from behind and rested my chin on his shoulder when we were on holiday together, alone at the end of the pier, looking out over the sea… For chrissakes, we’d been in a relationship half our life. Why hadn’t I ever noticed?

Prologue

Dante

Having finished my three-year degree, I’d been back home for two months already and I was bored shitless waiting for my best friend to finally join me. Don’t get me wrong. I was delighted that I’d landed a job almost immediately after I’d graduated but I was kicking my heels in the evenings and wondering when my partner in crime, Jonas, was gonna be back.

My heart sank every time I thought about him having another year left to go. He was doing a four-year course with a year abroad. Well, it totally made sense – he was much better at languages than I’d ever been and to be fair he had a genuine interest in learning. He also had an Italian mother, which, as well as making him deliciously exotic to look at, totally gave him a head start and he had decided to study French and Italian at uni with his third year abroad – which was my final year – so, now, he still had his final year to finish back in Leicester.

And it wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d come home when his term finished but it was already the end of August and he was due back at Leicester in less than a month. It was the longest we’d ever been apart and I missed him so much, it physically hurt.

Like I said, I’d walked straight into a job and okay, accountancy wasn’t everyone’s idea of a great career and I’m not gonna lie – it wasn’t mine either but it was the first job I’d ever been offered and I was still totally buzzing about it. Not as much as I was buzzing about seeing Jonas again... He was my BFF and I absolutely fucking adored him.

He was due back from Italy today, having stayed on to get a bit more money at the small ice-cream parlour he’d landed himself a job at and then he’d travelled to his grandparents for a family holiday with his parents who were staying on for a few more days. I was so happy that he’d decided to come back early (and the fact that he’d done that for me, made my heart sing) and I honestly could not wait to see him.

Let me explain... I’m gay, and on the quiet, I’ve always had a bit of a thing for my best friend, Jonas. I’ve always known that he was off-limits as anything other than being my best mate. It was cool. He obviously just didn’t feel that way about me – because if he did, surely, he’d have told me by now?

Well, anyway. It was clearly just wishful thinking on my part that he would ever fall for me although I swear there were fleeting moments during our friendship where I could have sworn we had the odd lingering look between us – and usually when we were naked, too. What can I say? We played a lot of sports where we had showers together… Ahem, anyway… probably still just my imagination.

He’d likely never want me, anyway. From the moment I realised what my dick was for, I’d totally embraced having as much sex as possible with as many guys as possible. There was no way Jonas would want a guy like me as a boyfriend, even if he did miraculously turn out to be gay too.

I seriously wasn’t boyfriend material – and he was totally into finding that special someone to love; someone that would look after him, be there for him through thick and thin. I’d never been cut out for that sort of commitment – well, not with anyone other than him, anyway. For Jonas, I would do anything…

For now, I was just happy that he was my best friend and that he loved me as a mate.

And what did I have to complain about, really? My best friend was the best man in the world. I honestly couldn’t love him more and I knew he loved me in pretty much the same (albeit, straight) way.

I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed a great sex life with numerous guys and I tried to tell myself that I had it all... The fact that I craved a more intimate relationship – one that meant spending quality time with one special person, was something I’d never really thought I could have – because I wanted that relationship with Jonas. Hell, I already had that with Jonas – minus the hot sex but I was damned sure it would be sizzling with him because Jonas was, objectively, exceedingly hot in a straight-as-a-die kind of way...

I’d never really wanted anything more than a casual thing with the guys I met in the pubs and clubs I frequented and most of them were of a similar ilk. All of them were happy with a one-night-stand – nothing too regular or it became complicated and I didn’t want complicated in my life. It was difficult trying to explain to a guy that I wanted to spend the rest of my time with my best friend, Jonas. They immediately started to get jealous and that was when I totally backed off. Any guy that wanted to be with me, had to accept that I couldn’t live without Jonas...

Jonas really was the love of my life. It just really sucked that he was straight...

Chapter 1 – My best friend, Dante.

Jonas

I was counting the minutes now before I saw Dante again. It had been so hard being away from him this time. We’d been best friends since we’d met at primary school and had always had a real connection with each other but the older we got, the closer we got, rather than branching out and meeting new people and forgetting about each other. It would be fair to say that neither of us could wait to get back together again when we’d been apart.

Dante was my gay best friend. He came out at fifteen, which had surprised me a little – not that I was shocked that he was gay or anything. Oh, no, I’d have been more surprised if he’d started dressing down and dating girls. The only horrifying element to his whole coming-out thing was the fact he fancied someone that I thought was a right wanker...

Anyway. That was years ago, but not a lot had changed since, particularly my opinion of his boyfriends – if you could call any of them that. Mostly he had one-night-stands but occasionally they hung around for a couple of weeks. Some even managed a couple of months and they were really frightening. What if he actually decided that one of those were the one? They were still all wankers as far as I could see...

We’d gone to different universities to each other and it had been a total wrench being apart from each other – made worse by the fact that none of his boyfriends ever liked me, so visiting him was always really awkward.

I’d been to France for the first half of my third year and when I came back last December, we’d spent almost every waking moment with each other and had partied hard.

Our friendship was totally tested at Christmas when we’d gone out to a nightclub with a load of our other mates. Dante was just being Dante and was putting it about just like he always did, while I concentrated on getting steadily more and more drunk at the bar – and more and more annoyed at his antics. I called him out for getting off with one particular guy (mainly because he was really attractive and I was pissed off that he wanted to get it on with some guy when he’d come out with me. Yes, I do have a tendency towards getting jealous and territorial) and he got all stupid and defensive about it...

What the fuck, man? he yelled in my face, "It’s not like I can have what I really want, is it?"

He was breathing hard and I’m not gonna lie, with all the alcohol coursing through my veins, he’d never looked sexier. I was breathing kind of hard myself. I looked at his mouth. It had kissed a thousand guys – hell, it had probably sucked a thousand dicks, but in that moment, I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to feel those lips against my lips. What? Where the hell had that thought come from? I forced the idea right to the back of my mind where it belonged. Getting ideas about kissing my best friend was possibly the most stupid idea I’d ever had in my life. For starters I was certain he’d have totally freaked and secondly, I was still reasonably sure that I was straight...

As it was, we talked it out and wound up just dancing with each other – in each other’s arms actually, which was heavenly, and probably looking more like a couple than most of the real couples there...

The next morning, I was relieved that I hadn’t acted on my drunken feelings and totally brushed them off to myself as being drunk... Of course, believing myself straight, I was totally in denial of it being real attraction and I blamed all the twinkly lights and the mistletoe... Oh, yeah – and the numerous shots of vodka – can’t deny their involvement...

It might have been a drunken moment of madness but I couldn’t deny that my feelings for him were real. I loved him – I just didn’t really understand that I was in love with him at that time. Having said that, I couldn’t deny that I’d thought of little else in the last four months, while I’d been away from him, in Italy.

I’d never once in my life identified as anything other than straight but the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became. I wasn’t straight at all. I’d just never had the balls to come out and admit it like Dante had...

When Dante came out, there was the initial mickey-taking and then everyone settled down again. Being his best friend, I came in for quite a lot of the stick – a kind of ‘guilt by association’ sort of thing – and I’d hotly denied having those sorts of feelings for any guys.

I’d been secretly in awe of the way Dante, who was totally out and proud, had handled himself over the whole thing.

In total contrast, I was firmly wedged in the closet and not at all sure I really wanted to come out of it – ever. I’d been in denial of my feelings for so long, it was second nature to play the straight card. The only person I’d ever had any real feelings toward was Dante and I couldn’t work out if I loved him as my best friend – or if I just loved him, full stop...

I’d kind of left it a little late at twenty-one (well okay, so I totally hadn’t but it was my excuse to myself). Dante had come out when he was only fifteen – and in hindsight, I totally should have just come out with him. Imagine all the fun we could have had exploring our sexuality together...?

But maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe now was finally the time I emerged from my closeted state and told him how I felt about him – but only if he was single, which was unlikely. Dante always seemed to have a boyfriend on the go and why wouldn’t he? He was beautiful, fun to be around – not to mention hung like a donkey... He just couldn’t choose a decent guy as a boyfriend for love nor money.

Chapter 2 – Reunion...

Dante

One of the main reasons I was desperate to see Jonas again was Kade... not only was he the total ex-boyfriend from hell, he was back in my life for a whole new reason these days. He was the son of the boss of a rival company of ours, and even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time I agreed to the idea, I’d since found out that my immediate boss was after a merger with them. Something the bigger bosses new nothing about.

Being new to the company, I honestly had no idea such things existed as going out for business lunches with the opposition. Call me naïve by all means...

Anyway, things had long ago turned sour between Kade and I and I had absolutely no desire to re-kindle anything – but that was before I was offered a substantial pay rise once my