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    Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons
    Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons
    Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons
    Ebook98 pages1 hour

    Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons

    By Tara Laskowski

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    About this ebook

    The best-selling indie hit returns! This revised, expanded edition of Modern Manners for Your Inner Demons brings the darker side of social behavior back to the shelves. Tara Laskowski's demonically clever stories break the rules of a "decent" society, providing a definitive guide on the etiquette of obesity, dementia, infertility, homicide, arson, and more. Blending humor with a sharp social commentary, Laskowski introduces us to cynical yet sympathetic characters as each story unfolds. Snarky but optimistic, these characters are the folks you want sitting next to you at your next dinner party...or in your prison cell.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSanta Fe Writer's Project
    Release dateJan 1, 2017
    ISBN9781939650641
    Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons
    Author

    Tara Laskowski

    TARA LASKOWSKI is the author of One Night Gone, which won the Agatha Award for Best First Novel and was a finalist for the Mary Higgins Clark, Anthony, Macavity, and Lefty Awards. She is also the author of two short story collections, Modern Manners for Your Inner Demons and Bystanders. Tara earned a BA from Susquehanna University and an MFA from George Mason University and currently lives in Virginia. Find her on Twitter and Instagram, @TaraLWrites.

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      Book preview

      Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons - Tara Laskowski

      THE ETIQUETTE OF ADULTERY

      VI. On Hotel Rooms

      It is considered improper to answer the hotel phone when you are staying with him during his out-of-town work conferences. He may remind you of this, bleary-eyed at 6 a.m. on his way to a meeting, and you should nod, hold your tongue, and try not to start a fight because now is not the time for it.

      After he leaves, get up and fish your panties from under the night-stand, pull on a tank top and partially open the blackout curtains. That will give you some light and some perspective. Smoke a cigarette or two and put the butts out in his coffee from last night. Turn up the heat, because it’s cold in here and the Ramada is paying for it.

      If the phone does ring, an annoying blaring sound, then pause and consider answering it. Picture the one photo you saw of her in his wallet a few months ago with her wavy dirty blond hair and smart little Tina Fey glasses. (Who still keeps pictures in their wallet anyway? See entry on iPhones.) Feel the thump thump in your chest, the heat that rises whenever you’re about to do something naughty, and then answer it, your voice rising in a question. Don’t be disappointed when it’s just the front desk inquiring about a credit card charge, and don’t be depressed when they call you Mrs.

      From Glossary of Terms

      Pinkerson: A violent, disruptive act, usually the result of a fight, that goes beyond the normal reaction of anger. Origin—Peg and Marty Pinkerson, circa 1985, the neighbors across the street whose fights were so entertaining to you and your brother that you would’ve sold tickets if you could, fights that usually climaxed with one or the other Pinkerson opening a window and throwing out drawers full of nighties or dress shirts, or plowing a front tire through the tulips, or, just once, cocking a hunting rifle and promising to blow down the basement door if it didn’t open by the count of ten. Colloquial use, native to you and your brother; e.g., Dad pulled a Pinkerson last night when he threatened mom with her sewing scissors.

      IV. On Comparisons

      Never say, Am I better in bed than your wife? Instead, try, God, you are so hot I could have sex with you three or four times a day.

      Don’t say, Do I cook better than she does? Try, Once I had this boyfriend in college who loved French cooking so much I took a class in it just to be able to make him special meals all the time. (Even though you actually only bought a French cookbook and got frustrated when you wanted to make cassoulet and couldn’t figure out where to buy duck fat. And even though said boyfriend really enjoyed going out more than staying in, which later you suspected was because he hated your cat.)

      Always imagine the wife as the other woman, and always imagine her wearing pleated pants and white nurse sneakers, snoring, and unable to throw a baseball properly.

      Index — Songs for the Mourning After

      Alesana, Congratulations, I Hate You

      Evans, Sara, When You Were Cheating

      Limp Bizkit, Break Stuff

      Reddy, Helen, I Am Woman

      Sugarland, Stay

      Traditional Polish Polka, In Heaven There Is No Beer

      IX. On Holidays

      When children are in the picture (and even when they aren’t), it is a generally accepted practice that he will not spend any holidays with you. It is considered desperate to drive past his house on Christmas Eve, and even more so to park a few houses down the street and watch his kids build a snowman in the backyard.

      If you are lucky enough not to be born on a holiday or in the general vicinity of a holiday, then he might be with you on your birthday (see Appendix B: Lavish Gifts and Sexy Lingerie), but you will never be able to spend his birthday with him unless he travels a lot for his job.

      None of this matters much for Memorial Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and hell, even Christmas. But on New Year’s Eve, when everyone else at the party your friend dragged you to is pairing off to smooch at midnight, closely examine an imaginary stain on your designer jeans and drink your champagne quickly. Toss back your hair and tell yourself next year will be different.

      Properly Setting the Table

      Men and women should always be seated alternately around the table, unless you are having dinner with your parents, in which case it would be best to sit him next to your father, not your mother, who would start staring at the mole on the side of his neck and asking leading questions.

      Prep him beforehand with easy conversation topics such as the weather, the N.Y. Giants, late-night television, how often one should get a car wash, why your father should’ve taken that job in Toledo when he had the chance, why your mother is glad he didn’t because it meant they had you, and the shame the mayor should have on himself for the condition of the roads these days. Avoid talking about religion, the Pinkersons, and the way that your father flinches when his back twists a certain way.

      Use the outside knife and fork for the appetizer, and then simply work inwards for each subsequent course. The golden rule is Always Work from the Outside In. Remember this when your mother compliments you on your sweater, because when he gets up to use the bathroom she will tell you

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