Blue is for Nightmares

her.

They’re always the same. Always at night, in the forest, looking for Drea. The sound of his body lurking somewhere behind me. Branches breaking. Leaves crackling. Wind whirring in my ears, watering my eyes. And the pain in my stomach—sharp, raw, scathing. Real.

My nightmares make me dread sleep.

I pinch the safety end of the razor blade between three fingers to write. Then I grab the virgin candle and carve the initials D. O. E. S. into the rounded side, tiny flakes of sparkling blue wax crumbling from the surface with each incision and every drag of the blade.

They’re Drea’s initials, but she doesn’t suspect a thing, just keeps scribbling away in her diary, like any other night, sitting up in her bed, only a few feet away.

With the last curl of the S, I place the razor to the side and pluck a branch of sage from the drawer. It’s perfect for burning, all dried up—the leaves shriveled, twisted and gray. I wind a piece of string around it for a cleaner burn, so it won’t be as smoky, so I’ll have less chance of getting in trouble. Then I drop it into the orange clay pot by my bed.

Going to bed? Drea asks.

In a few. I unscrew the cap off the bottle of olive oil and pour a few droplets onto my finger.

She nods and yawns, caps her feather-tipped pen, and closes up the diary. Just do me a favor and don’t burn the dorm down. I have a serious history presentation tomorrow.

All the more reason, I joke.

Drea and I have been roommates for a little over two years, so she’s used to rituals like this.

She rolls over onto her side and pulls the covers up to her chin. Better not stay up too late. Don’t you have a French test tomorrow morning?

Thanks, Mom.

I watch as she closes her eyes, as her lips settle for sleep, as the muscles around her forehead loosen and relax. It’s sickening. Even after midnight, with no visible trace of makeup, not a smidgen of cover-up, hair knotted up in a rubber band, she still looks perfect—angled cheeks; salmon- pink, pouty lips; loopy, golden hair; and cat-shaped eyes with curled, jet-black lashes. It’s no wonder why every guy at Hillcrest wants her, why every girl hates her—why Chad keeps coming back, even after three breakups.

I touch the top end of the candle with my oily finger. As above, I whisper. Then I touch the bottom. So below. I wet my finger with more of the oil and touch the center surface. I drag my finger upward, return it to the center, and then drag it downward, careful to keep the carved letters pointed in my direction so she won’t see.

Wouldn’t it be easier just to wet the whole thing at once? Drea asks, her eyes, open, watching me.

I turn the candle counterclockwise, blocking the letters with my palm, and continue moistening the circumference in the same fashion. Probably, but that would confuse the energies.

Of course, she says, rolling over. How ignorant of me.

When the candle is fully anointed, I light it with a long, wooden match and place it on the silver holder my grandmother gave me before she passed away. It’s my favorite holder because it was hers and it’s sort of dishlike, with a curly handle that winds around the base.

I close my eyes and concentrate on the waning moon outside, how it’s an opportune night to make things go away, how the sage and the engraved candle will help. I light the branch and watch it burn; the leaves curl up and dance in the orangy-yellow flame, then turn black and disappear, the way I pray my nightmares will.

When the sage is no more than ashes, I carry the clay pot over to the corner sink and fill it with water, watching the blue-gray smoke rise to the ceiling in long and curly swirls.

I return to my bed and position the candle on the night table, Drea’s initials facing toward me. Then I grab a black pen from the drawer and draw a capital G across my palm—G for grandmother, so I will dream of her tonight, so I will dream of nothing else.

I crawl inside the covers and watch the candle burn the letters away, the capital D in Drea’s initials already half gone.

Then I close my eyes and brace myself for sleep.

I sit across from my grandmother at the kitchen table, snarfing down one of her famous grilled egg sandwiches and a stale bag of potato chips. I watch as her hands curl around the English muffin, and admire the amethyst ring on her fourth finger—a chunky violet stone that all but reaches her knuckle.

Here. She notices me looking at it and tries to pry it off her finger. No go. She moves over to the sink and douses her hands in soap and water to lubricate the skin.

It’s okay, Grandma. You don’t have to.

I want to, she says, finally slipping it off and handing it to me. Try it on.

I do; it’s a perfect fit.

It’s your ring. I bought that for you when you were born. I’ve just been keeping it for you, until I thought you were old enough. Look at the initials inside.

I take it off and peek—the letters S. A. B. engraved in the gold. Stacey Ann Brown.

It’s beautiful, I say, handing it back to her.

No, she says. I want you to have it. I think it’s time. Plus it fits your finger better than mine.

I slip it back on and kiss her cheek. Thanks, Gram. I excuse myself from the table to go outside for some air. It’s already nighttime, the sky an inky black canvas dotted with tiny dabs of light. A long, cloudlike puff of air smokes though my lips, and my teeth begin to chatter.

I can hear someone crying beyond the yard. I start walking toward the sound, and soon I’m past the fence, into the woods. With each step the crying gets louder, more insistent. Drea? I call. Is that you? It sounds just like her. I can just imagine her getting in another fight with Chad and trying to come and find me at Gram’s.

Arms outstretched, I run in the direction of the whimpering. But then I have to stop. There’s a singeing pain right below my stomach. I place my hands over my belly and breathe in and out. I have to pee.

I glance back in the direction of the house, but can’t seem to see it now with the layering of trees and brush. Everywhere it’s black. Even the dabs of light that I saw before are now painted over with dark branches.

A stick breaks from somewhere behind me. Then another. Drea?

I hold between my legs and hobble as best I can toward that faraway voice, dodging branches and brush with my one outstretched hand. I can feel the ground turn to mush beneath my feet. It slows me down until I stop altogether, try to catch my breath.

I can still hear Drea’s voice, but it’s farther away now, deeper into the forest. I strain to hear something else, anything that might tell me if I’m still being followed. But there’s only the wind, combing through the frail, November leaves, whistling in my ear.

I take a small step and feel the ground get deeper, swallowing up my foot in a bottomless pit of heavy muck. More sticks break behind me.

I try to step out of the mud, to get out, but when I pull up my foot, my sneaker is gone.

Pain sears my stomach. I struggle to get away; I grab hold of a tree limb for support but end up slipping, landing down against my butt, the muck seeping in through my pants.

I count to twelve—the one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi method—and jam my thighs together, but it will only be minutes before I wet myself.

Stacey, whispers a male voice from somewhere in the darkness.

I close my eyes and bury my head into my legs. Drea’s faraway crying turns into a wail. She’s calling me now, by name.

You can’t hide, Stacey, he breathes.

I can’t give up. I search the ground for a rock or stick to protect myself. I find a rock. It isn’t very big, but it has a nice, rough edge.

I arch my neck back to look up at the sky, knowing that the North Star will guide my way. I squint and blink hard to find it, but it’s useless. Any trace of light is hidden beyond the treetops.

I crawl free of the mud completely, wrestle myself up, clench the rock into my palm, and trek for several seconds with my arms outstretched, brush scratching at my face like claws, until I reach a circular clearing. I look up to where the treetops have parted and can make out the sliver of the moon, approaching first quarter.

A rustling in the bushes distracts my attention. I look over, blink a few times, and see a man’s figure standing between two trees a few feet in front of me. He doesn’t move and neither do I, just extends his arm, as if to show me what he’s holding. It’s a bouquet of some sort.

I strain my eyes to see, using the moon as my light. And then it becomes clear to me—the size, the color, the way the petals fall open like a bell. They’re lilies.

I know what lilies mean.

I run as fast as I can, my feet like a pair of mismatched ice skates over leaves and sticks.

Then I stop, clench my eyes, hear a full-fledged wail tear out of my throat. My one bare foot. I reach down to feel it—a narrow branch, stabbed into my arch as far in as it will go. I bite down on the skin of my thumb for several seconds, until I can swallow down some of the pain. I can’t stay here. I need to get away. I have to be quick. I go to pull the stick out, but the throb in my stomach won’t let me bend.

I clench my teeth, marry my thighs, and pray for all of it to go away. I lick my lips and squeeze my legs tighter. Tighter.

But it isn’t enough. The warmth swells between my thighs. The front of my pants fills with dampness. I squeeze my legs to hold the water in place so he won’t hear me, but my muscles ache from the effort. I feel my face tense, my eyes fill up. I can’t hold it. The trickling leaks through my thighs, makes a pattering sound on the leaves beneath me.

Stacey, he breathes, I know your secret. The voice is slow and thick, the breath so close to the back of my neck that I reach back to swat it.

I open my mouth to scream but my throat is clogged, filled with dirt. It’s everywhere. Up my nostrils. In my eyes. I grip around my throat to keep from choking, and realize the rock is still clenched in my palm. I dig my nails into its jagged ridges and throw it. Hard.

Crash. The sound of broken glass fills my senses. And when the lights come on I’m sitting up.

Stacey! Drea shouts. She’s flung herself out of bed to click on the light. Are you all right?

I hold my neck and allow myself to breathe, my throat no longer constricted with dirt. The window in front of our beds is broken, the glass shards strewn in chunky, jagged pieces all over the floor.

I look at Drea. She’s sitting at the side of my bed now, looking at me for some answer, some explanation.

But how can I give her one when I don’t even have a clue myself?

Yeah, I’m fine, I say, gathering the covers around my waist, keeping my legs tucked together.

You keep getting them, huh?

It’s no secret that I’ve been having this recurring nightmare ever since the start of school, but it is a secret that I’ve been wetting the bed because of it.

Let’s just hope it didn’t wake up Madame Discharge.

Madame Discharge is the dorm’s nickname for Ms. LaCharge, the resident director, because whenever she walks you can hear this faint squish sound in her pants, and she always smells like wet dog. Who am I to make fun, though? I spend all my extra money on incense and floral extracts to cover up my own little problem.

What did you throw? Drea asks.

I look over at the side of my bed. The blue candle with her carved initials only half-burned, down as far as the letter O. No wonder the spell didn’t work the way it was supposed to.

It must have been my crystal cluster rock, I say, noticing its vacant place by the lamp.

I hope it didn’t break.

Crystal’s stronger than glass, I say. I’ll look for it in the morning.

I’m relieved when Drea gets up from my bed to inspect the damage. I pluck the extra knitted afghan from the foot of my bed and spread it over my legs and middle, wondering if the lingering fumes of incense and candle are enough to cover up the nightmarish ones I have brewing beneath the covers.

This should work. Drea pulls one of Chad’s old hockey jerseys from her dresser. I wonder why she still has it; they haven’t dated since last year. But since she’s only using it for domestic repairs, I suppose I shouldn’t be too jealous.

What are you doing? I ask.

Just watch. She grabs a handful of hot roller clips from her vanity table and slips into her leopard-print clogs, the ones with the four-inch platform heels. And you said I’d never find the perfect occasion to wear these. She clunks her way over to the window and pulls the orangy curtains closed. There’s still about a six-inch gap left in between them. This is what you get for a twenty-grand-a-year boarding school: cheap glass and tacky curtains that don’t fit. You know they have Jacuzzis in some of the dorms at Fryer School? If I wasn’t already a junior, I’d probably transfer. A gust of wind enters the room, causing a stream of English lit notes to fly off the dresser. Could you get those? she asks.

But I pretend not to hear, burying my nose into the capital G inked in my palm, thinking how my spell didn’t work. I love Drea like a sister, but I don’t want to dream about her anymore. Don’t want to know the future before it happens.

Don’t want to relive what happened three years ago.

I peek up at the watercolor picture on the wall. Me and Maura, the little girl I used to baby-sit, sitting together on a wooden porch swing.

What do you think? Drea asks, referring to the window, her patchwork. She’s covered the hole completely by clipping Chad’s hockey jersey across the width of both curtains, his number zero staring down at me like some subliminal message.

I give her the okay sign.

Hopefully that will keep the cold out, but I’d bundle up for tonight. Who knows, maybe I’ll give Chad a call. He could keep me warm. She raises her eyebrows and smiles.

I wonder if she knows how I feel about him, if she just drops these little bombs to drive me crazy.

Tell you what, she says, you clean up the glass and I’ll charge the repairs tomorrow. I’m sure we can get someone in to replace it. Especially if we complain to security. She grabs her purse and begins combing through its contents. It’s a designer brand, bought in Florence during her summer vacation—two-tone brown with tiny capital Fs printed all over the surface. She pulls out a matching F-printed wallet and slides a couple of dollars between her fingers. I’m going down to the lobby to stock up on Diet Cokes. Wanna come?

No, thanks. I’ll stay and clean up the glass.

She shrugs and turns on her platform heels. I watch her leave before creeping out of bed. The cotton fabric of my sweatpants clings between and at the back of my thighs in a warm and sopping wedge. The bed sheets, as well, are drenched, a bitter scent rising up from the puddle in the center. As icky as this whole scene is, I’m becoming more and more accustomed to it, the way I imagine mothers become accustomed to changing dirty diapers. Still, I have never had this problem before, even as a child. And what makes it worse is that I can’t bear telling anyone, not even Drea.

I scurry through my disarrayed dresser drawers in search of another pair of blue sweatpants. I pull out a pair of dark jeans, a black sweatshirt, two pairs of corduroys, and a wool sweater before finally finding a pair. Only they’re gray. Hopefully Drea won’t notice.

I peel the sweatpants down my legs and kick them under my bed. The reflection of myself in the full-length mirror at the back of the door startles me—blanched skin dotted with eyes, nose, and mouth. A bit more blemished than my usual clear complexion. Brown eyes with red, wiry veins running through. Hair that hangs in dark clumps around my shoulders; hair that used to have body and luster, and be the envy of all my friends.

I turn sideways and my gaze travels down my body, noting my smallish waist—and the butt that’s started to bubble out. Legs, nowhere near as shapely as they were this summer in my blue cut-off shorts. I wonder how long it’s been since I looked in the mirror, when all these changes happened.

But I already know. I felt and looked so much better before I came back to school, before I started having these nightmares.

I wipe up my legs as best I can with a damp facecloth, yank on the pair of gray sweatpants, and glance over at the shoe rack in the corner of the room. Staring up from it is the pair of yellow sneakers I’m wearing in my nightmare. Each shoe has a thick, wooden bead threaded through the bottom lace. And embedded on the bead is the insignia for neutrality, two halves of the moon joined together by a line. They’re my favorite sneakers, but I haven’t worn them since the beginning of the year—because of my nightmares.

I slide open my night table drawer and pluck out a musk-scented incense cone and a bottle of lavender. The cone is about as tall as my thumb and carries a boylike scent when burned. I spill a few droplets of the oil onto my finger before wetting around the circumference of the cone. The combined scents are just enough to cover up the eau de toilette I’ve been creating since the beginning of school, and luckily Madame Discharge doesn’t complain.

I know I need to hurry. Drea will be back any minute. I squat down beside my bed and grab a handful of plastic shopping bags. I’ve been making a habit out of taking a couple extra from the grocery store each time I go; now I have a whole stash.

I rip the soiled sheets from the bed, revealing the plastic bags I’ve placed underneath as a lining to protect the mattress. They’re wet. I roll them up as best I can, stuff them under my night table, and then scurry to lay a few fresh ones down. The clean fitted sheet is a bit more difficult. I wrestle the first corner on, manage the opposite corner, try for the third, but then the first corner snaps back.

Have another accident? Drea is standing at the door, her arms full of Diet Cokes and chocolate bars from the lobby machines. I hate it when that happens. She nods toward the bed sheets and I feel my face freeze.

The hardest part is getting out the blood, she continues. Usually I just send them to the cleaners. Is that why you changed?

I nod.

Ode to the joys of being a woman.

Relief. She doesn’t know.

While Drea arranges her newly acquired lobby treats in an already crammed mini-fridge, I kick the soiled bedsheets underneath my bed and finish muzzling the clean one over all four corners of the mattress.

"Decided to burn some incense, I