Apathy and Other Small Victories: A Novel
By Paul Neilan
4/5
()
About this ebook
A scathingly funny debut novel about disillusionment, indifference, and one man's desperate fight to assign absolutely no meaning to modern life.
The only thing Shane cares about is leaving. Usually on a Greyhound bus, right before his life falls apart again. Just like he planned. But this time it's complicated: there's a sadistic corporate climber who thinks she's his girlfriend, a rent-subsidized affair with his landlord's wife, and the bizarrely appealing deaf assistant to Shane's cosmically unstable dentist.
When one of the women is murdered, and Shane is the only suspect who doesn't care enough to act like he didn't do it, the question becomes just how he'll clear the good name he never had and doesn't particularly want: his own.
“The malaise of cubicle culture may be well-trodden comedic territory by now, but Neilan's debut skewers office life with a flourish for the grotesque.” —The Village Voice
Paul Neilan
Paul Neilan grew up in New Jersey before fleeing the Garden State for its polar opposite: Portland, Oregon. A graduate of Rutgers University, he worked a mind-numbing job in an insurance company where he spent much of his time asleep in the bathroom dodging his boss and his coworkers. It was in the uniquely creative zone of the disabled stall of that men's room, legs akimbo and drool puddling on the linoleum floor, that he began to hatch the idea for his first novel, Apathy and Other Small Victories.
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Reviews for Apathy and Other Small Victories
302 ratings27 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I first heard about this book from author Max Barry, who recommended this book to his readers last year on his website. It was not until recently however, that I was able to pick it up and dive in. And let me tell you, it is one of the strangest books I have ever read.The book opens with the main character, Shane, being interviewed by the police, all the while being surrounded by salt shakers that he compulsively steals from bars and restaurants. The police are investigating the murder of Marlene, the deaf dental assistant who worked at Shane's dentist. From there the book takes off, as Shane relives the past few months to see if there are any clues to the murder. Meanwhile, his own life continues to spiral into the bizarre; from dealing with his obsessive and abusive girl friend to his landlord who strikes a deal with Shane to keep the rent down and his wife happy.Overall, I give this book 4 stars. Its hilarious, definitely bizarre and hard to put down.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Definitely the funniest book I have ever read.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Good read. Some funny moments.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is so funny I cannot read it in public because I just bust out laughing. Could not put it down and I sent a copy to my friend.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I'll give it 3.5
It started so good, I've to admit. But flash-backs had not sufficient impact and actually at some points makes you feel apathy. It got better at the ending pages though. Sometimes i felt, writer just wanted to make the reader laugh and that's all. It would be better if he'd spend his creativity to making a better plot than some random jokes. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The writing was pretty funny, enough to make me laugh out loud a few times, and overall this was an entertaining book. The actual story it told wasn't anything spectacular or particularly memorable, and I'd certainly have given a lower rating if it had gone on any longer than it did, but as it stands this was a quick, enjoyable read.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Well. I must admit … I have felt rather apathetic about writing this review. I know, I know, obvious joke. But the odd thing is, it’s true. And it’s not that I didn’t enjoy Apathy. I certainly did. Despite the fact that it’s one of the worst book titles I’ve ever read. Is the sequel going to be called Meh? Followed up by Not So Much and Whatevs?
The story itself is a twisted version of Office Space. The main character, Shane, is a slacker who lands a temp job he doesn’t want at the insurance company where his abusive girlfriend works. Of course, he never actually tells her that she’s abusive. That would take too much effort. Instead, he allows her to beat the crap out of him during sex. He has an odd friendship with his deaf dental hygienist and sleeps with his landlord’s wife once a week. By request. Of the landlord. It’s complicated. And then shit happens.
As you might guess, the main character lives a life of apathy. Or, more accurately, jaded detachment. With the exception of his seemingly sincere friendship with his deaf hygienist—despite the fact that he makes fun of her behind her back—whom he seems to really like. At points, Shane teeters on opening up to someone about himself. To admit he has feelings. Under the surface, he seems to care. But he never takes it further than a brief internal debate. He can’t seem to figure out how to express himself directly. He doesn’t have the guts to show his feelings. Instead he deflects emotions with mocking humor directed at everything and everyone around him. Most of whom are set up by Neilan as deserving to be skewered. It’s rather like how in movies, even if the hero (or anti-hero) has to kill many people to achieve his goal, they are usually set up as “bad people” in some fashion so you don’t hate the hero. So every institution and individual Shane rips into pretty much deserves it and that leaves Shane mostly sympathetic. Except for his general inertia, of course.
Beyond the title, Apathy left me feeling undecided. Ironic, no? Some elements I quite enjoyed. The main character was often hilarious but with a cynical, ironic tone that kept him at a distance. He was generally well intentioned but also an obnoxious asshole. I must call out specifically that I hated his casual use of the word “retarded.” (I do feel its okay to hate a character’s attributes even if it’s hard to tell if the author is neutral or critical. Since people are often unlikable, I prefer an author be honest than sugar coat humanity.) The book had great energy throughout but the ending fizzled. The plot was rather intriguing but also far-fetched, and I felt the whole “there’s been a murder” bit too easy. (Not a spoiler, it’s on the back cover.)
So you can see, all my reactions are Yes, but, Yes, but. Not a good technique for improv. It’s that pull and push that left me non-plussed. I am glad that I read Apathy. I’m going to call it a 3.5 with solid entertainment value and smatterings of cultural critique that resonated positively. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I don't want to get flagged, but one of the testimonies on the cover is by Neal Pollack, and he makes a reference to this being as if Camus and Bukowski got together and wrote a combination of [A Confederacy of Dunces] and the [Office Space] screenplay. That's just about it. It's Lewis Black and Christopher Moore writing [Crime and Punishment]. It's Ron White writing a combination of [Fight Club], [Catcher in the Rye]. and [Inherent Vice]. There were parts - sentences - where I burst out laughing, suddenly and uncontrollably, in little spurts, before I gathered myself together. I was on a crowded airplane at the time. I had it at 3 1/2 stars, but that elicitation of uncontrolled laughter is an extreme rarity for me, and worth another 1/2 star. The plot is a bit choppy and like some of the novels mentioned above, the jokes can get a bit tedious. But if, at 14, you thought [Mad Magazine] was the most sophisticated literature in the world, you will love this short, fast-paced farce. And I don't think you have to be an angsty. sociopathic do-nothing, self-centered, alcoholic, beta male, witty, under-achiever to enjoy it, either. (But it may probably help).
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This book is hysterical! I really enjoyed it-I've never laughed out loud while reading before. If you have a somewhet deranged outlook on life, then this book is for you.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Hilarious. Witty. Rude. Surprising. These are just a few words that could be used to describe this book. Although the book is somewhat of a mystery, as a reader, I didn't feel myself paying much attention to that aspect of the plot. The main character is what really cathces your attention with his negative and crude attitude.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I enjoyed reading this book to the point where I had tears from laughing so hard. The humor is cynical, irreverent, and politically incorrect. If the humor works for you it makes this book a great read. There's nothing terribly profound going on here beyond the wit and well, apathy. So if the humor as written by Paul Neilan isn't your cup of tea then you should probably save yourself some grief and walk away from the book. If his humor does click for you and if you're familiar with Portland, OR at all - this book will have you spitting your coffee in laughter. I think the book fell apart a bit towards the end, but the humor throughout more than compensated for it's shortcomings. If you're a driven type A person there's a good chance you'll find the book stupidly offensive, but hey that's what us type B's are here for. This book is fried gold comedy folks.I've seen it described as juvenile and sophomoric and appealing to "undiscerning lads". This may be true, but I will point out I'm a middle aged woman and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Quick read.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I didn't enjoy how the auther began to tell an actual story in the last few chapters. I mean, the guy was apathetic! I wish the story had ended in some meaningless way. Like mid sentence. Although the bumper sticker references were hilarious!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This novel, which I think is Neilan's first, is about a 28-year-old man named Shane who pretty much hates his life and has no particular liking for himself either. He has a highly dysfunctional relationship, spends his working hours sleeping in the bathroom, often fantasizes about his own accidental death, and spends a lot of time with his dentist. He also becomes sort-of friends with the dentist's deaf secretary, Marlene. And then one day Shane is awoken by a couple of detectives who want to question him about Marlene's murder, which is where the book starts. This isn't actually a mystery story though, and if it were it would be pretty bad because the ending doesn't really try to be exciting; it's just a funny book about a not very good person and his often offensive views of the world. A blurb by Neal Pollack describes it as follows: "If Camus and Bukowski had written A Confederacy of Dunces and combined it with the screenplay for Office Space, it would have been this book." It's weird and bitter and very funny and sometimes mean. I enjoyed it and laughed out loud a few times (mostly during scenes where Shane describes his harrowing bike rides to and from work). I feel I should mention that if this were a movie it would be rated R; to be more specific, it probably falls above average but below Chuck Palahniuk and Irvine Welsh in terms of potentially gross-out descriptiveness. I was eating nachos during one scene that made me wish I had saved the nachos for later.PS--The American Sign Language letters for "apathy" are spelled out under the letters of the title, but the sign that's supposed to be a "P" is actually a "D" or something resembling it. I can't tell if that was an accident or an intentional nod to the title and theme of the book.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I found Apathy to quite an amusing read. The book had a very wacky tone so you never knew exactly where the story was going to go. It also was full of what I would call politically incorrect irreverent humor.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is the most hilarious book I have ever read! I was on the bus reading this book. I was cracking up and everyone was staring at me. I recommend this book to everyone 18 and older. It was amazing!
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Vapid and sophomoric. I'd elaborate further, but I feel as though I have wasted enough time by simply reading this book.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Like most everyone else, I bought this book by Max Barry's recommendation. I'd just started reading in English and this was maybe the sixth or seventh book I read, the first three being Barry's. I've since read it fource, which, considering I virtually never reread anything, is like 400% more times than any other book I own. You could almost say it'sMy Favorite Book, by snykanenApathy and Other Small Victories is my favorite book. It made me laugh out loud. Shane, the main character was just like me. No, I don't sleep in public toilets. I've tried and it's very uncomfortable. But I like to read on the can. It's nice, like my own little kingdom, being enthroned. Unless someone occupies the adjacent stall. I also share Shane's love-hate relationship with this absurd little world we inhabit. And am an excellent alphabetizer, too, though I rarely get credit for it.Apathy... changed how I see things. For example, I can no longer watch people eating bananas without laughing. Not to mention vampires riding dinosaurs, oh let's not even go there. I now know up to three words in sign language, thanks to Apathy etc, so I can fluently say to a deaf person: shit apple genius."D-"OK, so the plot is a simple mystery that in itself I mightn't give more than one star to, but it's only a vehicle for getting into these ludicrous situations. The thing about books is that a great book doesn't necessarily need a great or elaborate plot or a plot of any kind, really. While watching a plotless movie of someone thinking aloud for two hours is just plain tedious. You need at least a couple of explosions and a car chase. That said, AaOSV would make an excellent movie in the right hands. I'll end this rambling piece of vomitus by saying that this book isn't about hating your life but enjoying every craptastic moment of it.Raise your stolen saltshakers in salutation.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5By far, the most entertaining and comedic novel I've ever read. Neilan is a great author that holds your interest throughout the entire project. Not sure if he'll ever release a follow-up but I would certainly look forward to picking it up.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Take the movie "Office Space," add some Max Barry, a dash of cheap beer and a bucket full of salt (there's a reason for that), and you have some great material. Still, you're probably not quite pinpointing Apathy. This book has a number of laugh-out-loud parts. For me, they were tempered by the constant question I had in my head as I read... "Am I too, this much of an ass?" Not a question I'm willing to delve into deeply. But the book is definitely worth delving into. As another reviewer noted, it destroys "Then We Came to an End." If you liked that book - you are Stink! (sorry, another reference from Apathy!)
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I first heard about this book from author Max Barry, who recommended this book to his readers last year on his website. It was not until recently however, that I was able to pick it up and dive in. And let me tell you, it is one of the strangest books I have ever read.The book opens with the main character, Shane, being interviewed by the police, all the while being surrounded by salt shakers that he compulsively steals from bars and restaurants. The police are investigating the murder of Marlene, the deaf dental assistant who worked at Shane's dentist. From there the book takes off, as Shane relives the past few months to see if there are any clues to the murder. Meanwhile, his own life continues to spiral into the bizarre; from dealing with his obsessive and abusive girl friend to his landlord who strikes a deal with Shane to keep the rent down and his wife happy.Overall, I give this book 4 stars. Its hilarious, definitely bizarre and hard to put down.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is one of my new favorite books. It kind of reminds me of Douglas Coupland meets Jerry Seinfeld...but funnier.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I hope this author writes more.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I'm utterly perplexed why there is so much buzz over Joshua Ferris' 'Then We Came to An End'. Apathy an Other Small Victories is everything that people say Ferris' book is and more. It's a painfully smart and funny look at the lives people find themselves entangled in. A biting satire which spares no one, that skewers corporate life, relationships and just how silly we all really are. A quick and enjoyable read this book will change the way you think about spending a little too much time in th...more I'm utterly perplexed why there is so much buzz over Joshua Ferris' 'Then We Came to An End'. Apathy an Other Small Victories is everything that people say Ferris' book is and more. It's a painfully smart and funny look at the lives people find themselves entangled in. A biting satire which spares no one, that skewers corporate life, relationships and just how silly we all really are. A quick and enjoyable read this book will change the way you think about spending a little too much time in the company bathroom.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This is a funny book about a guy who only wants to get back to being a directionless slacker. A suspected murder and a couple of sorta girlfriends make this much more difficult than it should be. Poor guy.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This book had plenty of lines that made me laugh out loud, but after about half-way through the story I got pretty tired of hanging out with this guy. You kind of automatically stop believing half the things he says, and it gets old listening to him describe himself as a hero for doing pretty much the least possible in a given situation.But I guess one should expect that if they know the title of the work.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Hilarious book about an absurdly apathetic man and his trainwreck of a life. I wish it was longer.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I'm sort of surprised at how much I liked this book. The main character is a total sad sack who spends most of his life drunk, broke, and angry about everything. As if his life weren't pitiful enough already, he works as a temp in an insurance agency as an alphabetizer. The humor is pitch black, but very, very funny.I'd recommend this book to anyone who has ever (a) worked in a cubicle in a boring dead-end job, (b) been unable to pay the rent on time, or (c) stayed in an awful relationship just for the sex, even though it wasn't very good.There were a few times that the writing seemed a bit stilted (I think this is the author's first novel), but for the most part, I chuckled my way through the whole thing.One of my favorite lines from the book:p. 224 - Two wrongs don't make a right but sometimes they make me laugh.
Book preview
Apathy and Other Small Victories - Paul Neilan
part one
Chapter 1
I was stealing saltshakers again. Ten, sometimes twelve a night, shoving them in my pockets, hiding them up my sleeves, smuggling them out of bars and diners and anywhere else I could find them. In the morning, wherever I woke up, I was always covered in salt. I was cured meat. I had become beef jerky. Even as a small, small child, I knew it would one day come to this.
* * *
That Sunday I could feel my head pounding even before I opened my eyes. I might have kept them shut all day if there hadn’t been two men standing over my bed.
All right partyboy, time to get up,
one of them said in a gruff, weary voice.
I blinked a few times. I was very confused. I didn’t know who either of them were, or what the fuck they were doing in my apartment. They both had their shirts tucked in and the older one, the one with the gruff voice, had a low hairline that started just above his eyebrows and a drooping mustache that hung along his sagging jowls. He looked like a walrus. The younger one had slicked-back hair and squared shoulders and perfect posture. He was smirking like he couldn’t wait to show me how cocky he was. He looked like every cop that had ever given me a ticket.
Smells like criminal intent in here,
he said, glaring at me.
What?
I said.
I was gonna ask you the same thing,
he said, challenging me in a way that I did not understand.
The older guy looked annoyed at both of us.
I’m Detective Brooks,
he said, and this is Detective Sikes. We’re here to ask you a few questions.
Don’t you need a warrant or something? How did you get in here?
I couldn’t think of anything I’d done that would get me arrested. If stealing a few saltshakers was wrong I didn’t want to be right.
Your door was wide open so we came in, just to make sure you were okay. And we don’t need a warrant to ask you a couple of questions. We just want to talk.
Oh.
I had my bedsheet pulled up to my chin and I was clenching it with both fists for some reason. It must have been the goddamn vampires again.
Why don’t you sit up like a big boy and talk to us,
Sikes said.
No thanks, I’m very comfortable.
Where are your manners,
he said, smirking. Rise and shine fancy pants!
and he grabbed the bottom of my sheet and yanked it away from me like my father used to do with my blanky when I was very small, but this time I didn’t cry. And I knew that I was finally a man.
I was still wearing my shoes and the same clothes I’d been fired in on Friday, except now everything was covered in salt. There was a pile of it on my bed, and I was buried underneath it like the sleeping dad on the beach who wakes up to find that his mischievous asshole children have played a joke on him with their buckets of sand and their cruelty. But these men were not my children, and there were no saltshakers anywhere. Where had it all come from? How had this happened? I had no idea. I have never been able to explain myself.
Bling bling. Looks like somebody had themselves a little fiesta,
Sikes said. What’ve we got here, coke? H? Mexican chimmy hat?
He stuck his pinky into his mouth and then dipped it in the salt. You’re going away for a long time señor,
he said as he jammed his salt-speckled finger up his nostril.
Sergeant that doesn’t look like—
Brooks started to say, but Sikes was already snorting. His eyes watered and he started coughing and sneezing in short fast fits like a dog. He blew his nose into his hands and rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. The faucet was on for a long time and he was coughing and spitting and crying.
Brooks looked at me strange.
You sleep in salt?
he said.
Sometimes.
Good for your back?
It’s all right.
You famous or something?
Not really,
I said.
He considered the possibilities, then decided I was guilty of some undetermined perversion and shook his head. We both listened as Detective Sikes heaved into my sink. I wished the guy in the apartment above me would start fucking his guinea pig again, just to give us something else to listen to, but he did not. Those kinds of wishes almost never come true.
When the cocky prick finally came out of the bathroom his face was raw and smeared, his eyes puffy from all the crying. He looked like a burn victim, one who’d been through numerous successful surgeries but still wasn’t fully healed. It’s tough to ever really recover after your face has been on fire. I stared at him pretty fucking bemused but he wouldn’t look at me.
Now that you’ve cracked the case,
I said, smiling at Sikes and his chafed red nose, I really would like to get back to sleep. I bid you both good morning.
It’s two in the afternoon,
Brooks said.
No shit.
Like I said, we have a few questions for you.
All right,
I said, and sighed.
I was still foggy and my head was throbbing, but I could play vice squad with these two for a few minutes. It would make them feel like they were being useful, and it would be an interesting start to my day. I just hoped I hadn’t done anything stupid the night before. I didn’t remember anything illegal. I didn’t remember anything really.
Where were you last night, around 10 p.m.?
Probably at a bar.
Probably?
Probably.
What bar?
The one down the street.
What’s the name of it?
What’s this about?
How well do you know Marlene Burton?
Who?
The assistant at Dr. Weinhardt’s office. Your dentist.
Oh, deaf Marlene.
She had a last name.
Sikes broke his shame-induced silence. She wasn’t defined by her disability. She was a person too you know.
I know, fuckhead, I signed in response, working my hands slow for emphasis. I waited for him to react. I wanted to slap away the cockiness that was already creeping back into his blotchy, running face. When it was clear that he had no idea I’d called him a fuckhead in sign language I said, What about her?
Marlene Burton was found dead last night.
* * *
My dentist’s name was Dr. Weinhardt but I called him Doug. Doug had episodes. He’d flip out and have to lie down and monitor his pulse and breathe slow and in rhythm like a pregnant woman or else he’d faint, which he usually did anyway. He thought iced tea helped, so he kept a pitcher of it in his back office on a table beside his fainting couch, and he carried a monogrammed flask with him wherever he went. The monogram was D.W.I. Douglas Weinhardt the First.
But D.W.I. are the initials for Driving While Intoxicated! And it’s a flask but there’s no alcohol, it’s only iced tea. Get it? And I don’t even drive! I take the bus every day! That’s funny, right?
Jesus Doug.
He thought his episodes were being caused by a series of brutal attacks he’d suffered recently. This is how he explained it to me:
About three months ago I was getting off a bus downtown when all of a sudden—Psshew!
He smacked both his hands against his ears. The big folding accordion door closed right on my head! And then there must have been a malfunction or something because it just went Wham! Wham! Wham!
He pressed the air around both sides of his head three times fast with his palms, spreading his fingers and holding his elbows high, like some New Wave dance that was so embarrassing no one even joked about it anymore. It kept slamming into my head until I fell out into the street. When I woke up there was a crowd of people standing around me and a man was snapping his fingers in my face. The bus driver said he’d never seen anything like it. I couldn’t stand up without falling down again. I had to ride home in the back of an ambulance. And then a few weeks later, on a different bus with a different driver, it happened again! It’s happened six more times since. I don’t even call the ambulance anymore. I just crawl around until my equilibrium comes back.
Christ Doug. Maybe you should see a doctor.
I am a doctor,
he said.
It would have sounded smug if he hadn’t just finished telling a story about getting his head jackhammered by a bus door. It’s real hard to come off as even slightly superior when you’re living a Tom and Jerry episode.
* * *
Doug had a dental assistant named Marlene. My first appointment I was reclined in the chair and Doug was gouging my teeth and gums with something he called the sharpo. Just cleaning the plaque out of the gutters,
he said as blood drained into the back of my throat.
There was a bright light hovering above me like the ones aliens and angels use to trick people into not running away and I was breathing hard through my nose and panicking because I was choking to death on my own blood. Then I heard someone else come into the room, their shoes softly padding the floor. The light steps sounded like a woman’s.
Oh there she is. Just in time. Can you hand me the pro-ber?
Doug said.
He was speaking very slowly and louder than a normal person should. A woman’s hand passed between me and the light. I saw red nails, and I was very impressed with myself. I had always been perceptive. I could’ve been a detective. I could’ve been blind and still been able to solve crimes and mysteries. I was almost like a superhero sometimes.
No no, the pr-o-ber,
he said way too deliberately, adding an unnecessary syllable. I figured she was either six years old or retarded. If she was that young she shouldn’t be wearing nail polish. And if she was retarded she’d better not be allowed to play with the drills.
Thank you. Now can I get some suc-tion? Suc-tion?
She put the thin vacuum tube in my mouth and it sucked and slurped the blood from the back of my throat as Doug kept hacking away. I could breathe again. This woman had saved my life. I would probably marry her, even if she was six years old and retarded. We would have a strange life together.
Oh gosh, you two haven’t even met! If someone’s putting their hands in your mouth you should at least know their name,
Doug said. Shane, this is my assistant, Marlene.
A head leaned over close to me, eclipsing the tricky, paranormal light. There was a serene halo of blond hair lit up all around her face. Single strands hung down like icicles. It was beautiful.
HI NICE TO MEET YOU!
she shouted atonally into my gaping mouth.
I saw this documentary once that had black and white footage of a man in goggles and baggy clothes. He looked vaguely German, or like someone the Germans would’ve taken prisoner back when everything was black and white. He was pale and skinny and his head was shaved bald. His legs were in stiff, clunky iron boots and his arms were shackled and pulled straight down at his sides by taut chains bolted to the floor. He looked very nervous.
Then shit started flying all over the place. He was standing in a wind tunnel. The force of the wind blew his baggy shirt and pants tight against his skinny body and the fabric flapped and rippled behind him frantically as his arms shook in the shackles, but the iron ski boots kept him from blowing away. The goggles protected his eyes but his mouth was wide open and his lips were pulled back exposing his teeth like a horse on one of those hillbilly postcards. He looked like he was screaming but the only sound was the whir of turbines and the rushing wind. That’s where the footage ended, but I’m pretty sure his head got blown off soon after. I think it was some kind of experiment.
And that’s how I felt. Like a vaguely German prisoner in leg irons and chains whose scream could not be heard above the deaf girl wailing in my face. Soon my head would be gone too.
Later, as Marlene was putting away the sharpo and the prober and humming loud and off-key to herself, Doug leaned towards me and said, She’s deaf you know.
But he said it under his breath, discreetly, so she wouldn’t hear.
I spit more blood into the sink.
* * *
Doug spent most of his time freaking out in his back office, so that’s how I got to know deaf Marlene.
I’d never actually talked to a deaf person before but I’d been swimming and gotten water stuck in my ears lots of times, felt that underwater silence as I shook my head and watched people’s mouths moving without hearing the words, so I knew what it was like for her. I could empathize. And I always used to watch reruns of The Facts of Life when I came home from school and I had vivid, uncomfortable memories of those episodes where Blair’s stand up comedian cousin would mock herself to get laughs and teach tolerance to Mrs. Garrett and the rest of the girls. She had cerebral palsy but she talked like a deaf person, so the lesson was the same. I could sympathize, and pity.
Hey so how long have you worked in this place?
I said.
She was standing right next to me looking at a dental chart, and of course she couldn’t hear a goddamn word I was saying. I barely resisted the impulse to clap or snap my fingers.
Hey So How Long Have You Worked In This Place?
I said again, because sometimes it is hard to remember not to be an ass.
Marlene glanced up in mid-sentence and saw that my mouth was moving, and when it stopped she smiled and nodded her head and laughed quietly and politely, just like hearing people do when they don’t know what the fuck you just said. Blair’s cousin was right. We are all the same.
We stared at each other and it was so awkward I considered murdering myself or giving her the finger just for something to do, but instead I made a fist and stuck out my thumb and screwed it into my cheek. I saw a monkey do it on Sesame Street once. It means apple in sign language.
APPLE! LIKE THE MONKEY!
she shouted, genuinely excited. Deaf girls love Sesame Street. We both laughed for as long as we could, which was for much longer than it was funny.
She had too many teeth going in different directions. Her hair was a frizzy mess, like she was three weeks past a bad perm, and the blond dye kit was obviously cheap and self-applied. But still, she pretty much looked like anybody else. She didn’t look especially deaf. But she was. She was.
There was the kind of silence you can only have when it’s high noon, or when one of you is deaf.
I pointed at her, then pinched my nose closed.
She narrowed her eyes, confused, then shouted, I’M NOT STINK!
And we laughed about that for a long time.
* * *
When the detective told me she was dead there was a pause in my head where I thought of absolutely nothing, a hitch where nothing happened, just before the engine caught. When it did I wanted to make myself scream No!
and start crying, but I knew that I couldn’t, even under the circumstances, and that fact had a better chance of bringing me to tears than Marlene’s death. I almost said No shit,
which would have been my natural reaction, but this was no time for natural reactions.
Jesus,
I said quietly, and lowered my head like I was thinking, which I was.
We’d like you to come down to the station, answer a couple of questions,
Brooks said.
Why me?
It’s nothing personal, we’re talking to everybody she had any contact with. Just gathering information.
Why can’t you just ask me here? Why do we have to go down to the station?
We also need a sample.
A sample?
Semen was found on the body.
Eww.
What, you don’t like semen?
Sikes said, challenging me