MOTHERHOOD: DIFFERENT VOICES, DIFFERENT CHOICES

MOTHERHOOD: DIFFERENT VOICES, DIFFERENT CHOICES (Oral Presentation) Eunice Barbara C. Novio Faculty of Education, Vongchavalitkul University 84/4 Mithraparb-Nonkai Road, Tambon Banko, Muang Nakhon Ratchasima, Thailand [email protected] Biography The author is a lecturer at Vongchavalitkul University with a Master’s Degree in Women and Development at the University of the Philippines under the Women Leadership Scholarship from Seattle, USA and a post-graduate course on women studies at Ewha Womans University in Seoul, South Korea. She also writes at the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Abstract Feminist theorists have been trying to answer the ambivalent feelings towards motherhood, yet, there are still gaps that need to be filled in order to understand motherhood not only from the feminists point of view but also from ordinary women and mothers who are questioning their roles in the society and the given roles by the society upon them in their quest for identities as women and mothers. This study presents the voices of women from different countries in Asia in their personal journeys as women and mothers. Their perspectives in motherhood are important source of knowledge in understanding motherhood in all its aspects: family, society, and the self and identity. These women are from different professions, religious and cultural background. Only the phase of motherhood makes them similar. In feminist research, life story method is used. The following were employed in the conduct of the study: semi- structured questions, interviews via internet like emails, Facebook and Skype were done to ensure that the respondents could personally communicate with the researcher. Review of related literature served as secondary data. The questions were semistructured which provided the respondents to reflect and dissect their situations with an open mindset. The study found out that motherhood as the completion of their womanhood is not what makes them a woman; nor being a woman equates to being a nurturer. Instead, the study found out that motherhood is just a complement to their already complete self. Keywords: Asian women, motherhood, mothering in Asia 1. Introduction Feminist theorists have been trying to answer the ambivalent feelings towards motherhood, yet, there are still gaps that need to be filled in order to understand motherhood not only from the feminists point of view but also from ordinary women and mothers who are questioning their given roles in the society in their quest to find their for identities as women and mothers. In modern society, where gender equality is promoted and women are given more choices in their careers or in the lives they would lead. Still, majority of the societies still expect women to choose both motherhood and a career. Worse, women are expected to make a career out of motherhood. Although some women are able to juggle careers and motherhood, the stereotypical notion that d o m e s t i c l i f e i s s t i l l a woman’s sphere still pervades especially in Asian countries. Recently, it is noticeable that more women are marrying late and many choose to become single. Since marrying late in life might not result to pregnancy, there is a stigma attached for not having a child, especially to Asian women whose cultures are deeply rooted on family (Chao, Cheng, 2002a). The institutions of the society like the Church, education, media and family define the functions of the women in the society. These institutions perpetuate the gender stereotyping that women are weak, martyr, homemaker and self-sacrificing, servicing children and husbands, always beautiful and so on. Beecher and Stowe (1971) believe that a woman's place was in the home and Christ is the center of their lives. The Church intensifies the status of a woman to become servant to husband and children (Anonuevo, 1994; Stanton,2014; Radford-Reuther, 1998). Even in the educational setting, service oriented courses like nursing, tourism and teaching are considered as a woman’s courses because it is an extension of services of a woman away from home; the same way women are molded in the family (Novio,2014; Anonuevo, 1994; Friedan, 1963). Engineering and other science based courses are mostly taken by men. The diversity of Asia makes it difficult to fully describe the roles played by women in their societies both in the ancient times, pre-colonial, the colonial times and the postcolonial times. In China and India for example, sons are favored over daughters due to the high-regard for male heirs. Religions and religious philosophies also played an important role in the treatment of women in several Asian countries which stressed the subordination of women. Yet, the roles of women in indigenous rituals, (Salazar, 2010 in Jose and Navarro, eds., 2010) agriculture and local markets could not be downplayed as these increase their status in their communities (Watson-Andaya, n.d.; Ockey,1999). In Malaysia and Singapore the concept of the working woman is not divorced from the good mother. Thus the modern woman is synonymous with the working woman. She pursues her career, while being a good mother, this reinforcing family values integral to upholding the moral and social fabric of the society (Stivens, 2007 in Brooks and Devasahayam, 2011). In the Philippines, before the Spanish colonization and Christianization, the women in their societies enjoyed equal rights as of men. They could choose to become mothers or to remain single without being prejudiced by the society (Mananzan, 2005; Feria, 1993). Buddhism puts women in the periphery, casting them as temptations, lacking virtue and worldly, which is prominently emphasized during the Enlightenment of Buddha when he abandoned all his worldly possession including his wife ( Keyes, 1994 in Ockey, 1999, p.1035). However, Mulders (1992, in Ockey, 1999 p : 1035)argues that in Thai society, “khuna” or moral goodness in the Thai world-view is exemplified by “ the pure love a mother has for her children,” and is associated not only for Buddhism, “but with the home, the mother, the female symbols of Earth Mother and Rice Mother.” As a giver, when a woman becomes a mother, she is expected to stop working for a while or just to leave work permanently to take care of the family until the children can be left behind. Hill's (1983) study suggests that having children under six discourages women from working in the formal sector while encouraging women to work in family business or the informal sector. Long absence from work, however, creates negativity on the psyche of the women, referring to themselves as “rusty”, or intellectually incapable. The competition in the workplace is also stiff because of age and experiences. Due to the limited choice of work, either home-based or outside, the family’s income and roles are affected. The dependency on the part of the mother to the breadwinner, the husband/partner is overwhelming that resulted to the uneven distribution of power and resources both in the domestic and societal spheres. It is also in this context that the societal assumption of being a woman and motherhood is of dependency and thus, considers her as the weaker sex. Gilman (1998) deplores the society’s view on motherhood as a trade: that of mothering and doing domestic works in exchange of husband’s or the male’s support. Adrienne Rich (1977b) says that in patriarchy women should bear the burden of pain and self-denial for the furtherance of the species and should remain unquestioning and unenlightened. Simply put, motherhood in patriarchy is called a “sacred calling”. Therefore, “unconditional love”, forgetting oneself and giving it all for the sake of the family is in the essence the epitome of motherhood. Betty Friedan in 1963 wrote that chosen motherhood is the real liberation because having a child makes the whole experience of motherhood different and the choice to be generative in other ways can at last be made and is being made by many women now without guilt. According to Jaggar (1983) patriarchal ideology and economics are additional forces compelling women to be mothers. According to patriarchal ideology, motherhood is the only way in which a woman can discover true fulfillment and genuine respect. Women who are unable to bear children are pitied; those who do not want to do so are described as "immature," "unfeminine," "unnatural" or "selfish." Friedan (1963) calls it the “problem with no name”. She calls for every woman not to consider homemaking as a career and instead improve themselves to be truly fulfilled. She also blamed the society, the academe and the media for portraying women as a fulfilled housewives contented with the modernities of home appliances and has only the goal of finding husbands, thus, limiting their educational development. Although the book focuses on the white American middle class housewives, the reality of every career woman's lives turn into housewives are also mirrored on the struggles of women and mothers from all races. According to Estes (1992) Motherhood is a "heroic quest'-a journey into self-hood and ultimate meaning that cries out to be chronicled, celebrated and shared . In this context, this paper answered the following questions: How do they define motherhood? How does motherhood affect their identity as a woman and as an individual? Does motherhood change their view of the society and the family in general? Is motherhood a personal choice or an expectation from the society (like the husband or partner and from the family)? The study does not discuss individual cultures of the women but merely rely on their own views of motherhood regardless of their cultural backgrounds and the review of related literatures which give insights on the respective cultures of the Asian women respondents in the study. Guided by a feminist theory on motherhood by Adrienne Rich (1977a) motherhood is just another dimension of being a woman, in which women should not be defined on their status as mothers or childless women, but as “Themselves”. Motherhood need not to isolate women but be allowed to participate in social and professional world. Rich suggests “that women take seriously the enterprise of finding out what we do feel, instead of accepting what we have been told we must feel.” She further adds that a woman can be anything she really wants to be if she is prepared to fight, to create priorities for herself against the grain of cultural expectations, to persist in the face of misogynistic hostility. This paper presents the voices of women from different countries in Asia in their personal journeys as women and mothers. Their perspectives in motherhood and mothering are important source of knowledge in understanding motherhood in all its aspects: family, society and the self and identity. The women interviewed are from different professions, religious and cultural background and are all in the phase of motherhood. This paper explores the concepts of woman and motherhood and the development of the “Self”. It examines the priorities of the seven mothers from the countries of Thailand, Philippines, Malaysia and Taiwan based on their perceptions of motherhood, their roles as women and mothers and their responsibilities to their children. It also discusses their aspirations and goals in life both as mothers and individuals. The women respondents spoke in their own voices. They are neither feminists nor involved in any women’s movements. Their voices are simply their own as they narrated their stories of motherhood, their choices of both motherhood and careers and finding their “self” as fulfilled persons. The Respondents Seven women were interviewed for this study; two Filipinos, one is in the United State and the other is in the Philippines; two Malaysians; one Taiwanese and two Thais. All women are professionals, middle class, with two religious affiliation which is Christianity and Buddhism. Their age ranges from late 30’s to late 60’s. The names of the participants are changed to protect their identities. Methodology, methods of collecting data and analysis Life story method is used in this study. Pineda-Ofreneo (1994) claims the importance of life stories for a feminist study because it gives concrete construction of gender and sexuality phases in a woman's life. It is a feminist method wherein a woman is given free-will to tell her story in a way she likes it and in her own voice. The following were employed: semi-structured questions, interviews via internet like emails, Facebook and Skype. Review of related literature are secondary data. Interpretation and Analysis Motherhood defined Given their different contexts and statuses in life, the definitions given by the respondents about being a mother are similar. Similarly, these women are all biological mothers thus defining the mother as an individual who gave birth. The mother is the protector and primary carer of children, nurturer and teacher of children. Moreover, unconditional love is solely given by the mother. As a self-sacrificing woman, a mother gives anything to her children and the family whatever the costs. Nurturing, responsible for the building of self-esteem, provider and does not expect anything in return from the children and as someone who cares for the children whether it is hers or not, are the definitions given by the respondents on motherhood. These definitions give the notion that all women are nurturers. The respondents explain that there is a special feeling knowing that there is life inside them and the opportunity to raise children into good citizens discounted all the hurts and sacrifices they made or have to make for their sakes. In all, the respondents’ view on motherhood do not change the patriarchal definitions that mothers have the monopoly of taking care of the children (Dinnerstein, 1976) as well as the self-sacrificing and self-denying person by giving unconditional love for the sake of the family (Rich, 1976) and motherhood is the only way in which a woman can discover true fulfillment and genuine respect (Jaggar,1983). Support from Partners and Family Members On raising the kids, the respondents believe that their partners/husbands must also share the responsibilities. But these responsibilities are limited since they think that there are things only mothers can do such as feeding and disciplining the children, aside from the fact that the fathers are working, thus, not having enough time to raise the kids the way mothers do. But if both parents are unable to perform these duties and responsibilities in one way or another, the responsibilities fall to the caregivers – helpers/ nannies, relatives and even to teachers for the school age children. The mothers of the women are also the primary caregivers during the time they were about to give birth or during the raising of the children. However, the respondents believe that it the responsibilities of rearing the children must be shared ideally by both the fathers and the mothers. In the absence of the father, the grandmother (also a mother) is the first to assist the daughter in raising the child since she is considered well experienced in raising children. As a Filipina respondent says, “my mother also learns from her mother, my grandmother.” Evidently, the role of the family in child rearing is very important since young mothers are still considered inexperienced. Some have to go back to work after child-birth. Their mothers or the grandmothers of their children play an important role in child rearing rather than the husbands or partners because they are also working. Somehow, child care especially in the early months of the babies, men seldom take responsibilities in changing nappies or feeding the babies at night because they need to work the next day. On the other hand, mothers, in spite of having work, still have to get up and take care of the babies. In the early life of the motherhood, the respondents explained that the babies seemed to be more at ease with them at night especially if they are breastfeed. Besides, it’s the maternal instinct that make them sleep lightly at night to check the babies comfort from time to time. Six of the respondents continued working after child-birth, thus, they did not depend much on the husbands’ incomes. Instead, the combined income helped them to hire nannies or ask relatives like their mothers to take care of the child. The Society's Roles in Mothering The four pillars of the society namely family, Church, school and media each play an important role in the lives of the mothers. Their view on mothering and self-discovery are greatly challenged by how they perceived and accepted by their societies. The community is also responsible in raising a child, as one respondent from Malaysia points out. But in reality this is hardly true, especially in developing countries like the Philippines where the child support system by the government is very weak In most Asian societies, motherhood is welcomed especially if the pregnancy is accepted by the family. Parenting is the center of the Asian society (Chao, Cheng, 2002b) Anne1 was only 18 when she had her first baby, with her boyfriend who was also 18. She was very scared and confused. Aside from Anne, the rest of the respondents have planned pregnancy. “I stopped schooling because my school, a Catholic school prohibits studying women who are unmarried,” she wrote. But instead of stopping altogether, after giving birth, she continued studying and eventually finish a degree in Computer Science. Having unplanned pregnancy brought her shame. Her family were the first to react negatively on the situation. But as usual, particularly her mother, accepted her and helped her to get through. All the respondents do not have negative feedback on the role of the media. Instead, they are turning to media, like magazines, online journals, televisions to get tips in child rearing. One respondent, Lydia, however disagree on the portrayal of babies as always calm and picture perfect which is not true to her overactive child. “My parenting style emulated somewhat, that of my mother (years 1800 after WW2) and some basics from ‘Good housekeeping and Reader’s Digest”. Mum being Chinese were not great at showing affection and empathy,” wrote Judy. Except for Anne, the respondents do not say that their religious background has affected their mothering styles or their perceptions of being a mother. Relationships with Partners/Husbands The decision to have kids are both agreed by the women and their partners, except Anne. She was only 18 years old, and still studying. Understandably, she had an unprepared pregnancy. Later on, when she finished her degree, she got married to another man and later had five children all of whom were planned. In their relationships with their husbands/partners, having kids affected them. Without kids, they saw themselves only as couples with so many advantages like spending more time together; could go anywhere at the “spur of the moment” and buying things exclusively for themselves. Motherhood changed their relationships with their husbands/partners. All the respondents agree that they do not spend much time with their husbands/partners as much 1 The names of the respondents are changed to protect their identities as they wanted to do because of the demand of the children, especially during the growing up years. However, as the children grew up, they are setting aside special moments as simple as having dates for their husbands/partners to rekindle the intimacy. Arguments on how the child is reared is also an issue between the partners. The things they do together, for example, eating out or going out, almost always include the child or the children. However, it does not mean that the intimate relationship during the child-birth diminished. It only goes through a phase of adjustment as new parents as they welcomed the child in their life as they build a family. To work or not to work: A mother's dilemma Motherhood limits the respondents' time with themselves and to some, their professional development. After giving birth, it needs quite some time for a woman to go back to her normal routines, such as going back to work, thus, maternity leave is an option so career women can be given ample time to spend with her newborn as well as to recuperate from child-birth. However, in some cases where women do not have supports from other women, like their own mothers or could not get nannies, quitting job is one of the most difficult decision her part as a professional and also its effect on the financial status of the household. Anne was very young and still in school. Her partner was also studying. To be able to survive, she relied on her family for support. Eventually, she and her partner separated. During those times, she felt inadequate, thus, even against her will, she had to rely on her mother’s way of rearing her child. Judy, a teacher, after the birth of her second child did not stop working because her family needed income for the growing family. She did not have an extended maternity leave because the government would terminate her. She employed a nanny for her two kids while working. When she gave birth to her third child, she stopped working since they were financially capable at that time. Jin and Lydia, both teachers, are still working even with young kids because they both believe that working can give them more space for themselves and make them productive. This, however, is possible with the help of their mothers. Showin, whose son is three years old still works as a Pastor in her local church. But given an opportunity, she said, she would rather stay at home and look after her child. Her husband “covers” for her role when she is away. On the other hand, Lizzie, a former company psychologist with a three year old son, worked on and off due to the difficulty of raising a child alone. She said she chose to work part-time and studies part-time so she can do more of the “mother” duties and responsibilities of raising a child. It is also difficult for her to concentrate on her work thinking of her son only with his nanny. Her husband, a professor, does not ask her to stop working but in her own words “there’s this feeling that he is also happy and relieve to have his son be given quality care by his mother instead of another individual such as a grandmother or a nanny.” Pim is luckier because of her home-based business of making stone jewelries. She does not need to go out to work. Her husband is also a tour operator which give them flexibility. Hence, spending more time to their kids. Even with the rising cost of living, women with young kids without the support of extended family particularly their own mothers, choose to stay at home and do the mothering roles like “care-giving, feeding, cleaning the baby and the house, making sure that the child is comfortable, and getting them prepared for school if they are already schoolage aside from their duties to their husbands. On going back to work, Judy writes: Something in me says that I can do more. But it was draining working and being a mum. It was very difficult to balance home and children and trying to excel in my career. There was always a sense of guilt when I spend too much energy on my work and a sense of fulfillment on my personal growth. Luckily, I have come to terms with that now that my kids are grown. Finding the Self: The Complete Woman The joy of motherhood is evident based on the interview. However, motherhood is not the completion of their womanhood. The respondents believe that being a mother does not make a woman “woman”; nor being a woman equates to being a nurturer. It is another phase in their lives and part of their biological make up. Motherhood is also a “calling” just like being single. Hence, a complete woman is the one who finds fulfillment in what she does. Thus, motherhood is just a complement to their already complete “self”. Anne writes: “It was only when I graduated, got married and move to the US that I began to feel free and found myself as self-reliant. I found work and never dependent on my husband. I found my dignity and eventually my Self that I never thought existed. I was a shadow; a puppet before.” In finding the “Self” the respondents believe that relationship to others aside from the family is important. They cite their colleagues and friends as important parts of finding their “Self” because through interactions they can reflect on their abilities, strengths and weaknesses, which in turn could also help them in dealing with their children, who are “new” persons in their lives. This notion corresponds to Gilligans’ claim that women tend to define themselves in the context of relationship, which is not surprising that women making a break with their pasts and former relationships may enter a period in which there is a considerable flux in self-concept (Belenky, et al. 1986). The seven respondents believe that having a child comes naturally when a person got married; except Lizzie who in some point did not think of getting married or having a child because she lived a high-end fast life working in the corporate world. Lizzie writes: Motherhood adds to my identity as a woman and as an individual. It adds to my persona and multiple roles and responsibilities which I already have as a woman and as an individual. To an extent being a mother elevates my status in society. It's like in the eyes of society being a good mother makes you an asset to society, you have a huge contribution in bearing and rearing the young. On another end society does not really know what it's like to be a mother and how it relates to being a woman and individual. Conclusion The study focused on middle-class, professional women. The views of women from the lower stratum of the society could be different and might draw another perspectives. However, it needs another study in the future. The study shows that the concepts of motherhood do not differ across cultures and nationalities. Women share similarities and differences but mothering across Asia are the same in concepts and traditions. Motherhood may be seen as a tedious job for many women yet, for the respondents, it is another phase in their lives; also a celebration of humanity in terms of procreation and the joy it brings to them as they see their children growing up. On the other hand, the patriarchal society sees women as merely vessels for propagating the species and the assurance of the continuation of the father's name. In spite of the negative and positive influences brought by the society to their lives, the women are facing the challenges bravely, thus, enable them to continue their discoveries of the “self” to achieve inner and outer peace and happiness in many ways like continuing their respective careers, staying in touch with friends and colleagues or just staying at home. In spite of the negative political attachment to motherhood as cited by Jaggar, Rich et al, the respondents embraced motherhood as a phase of their womanhood. It is their choice as a part of their continuing journey in finding the “Self” and their reason for existence. Except Friedan Betty who claims that chosen motherhood is the real liberation because it’s a women’s choice and they can do it without guilt. The study also shows that the support from the community, the husbands/partners and most especially their own mothers are important factors to successfully continue their careers and at the same time motherhood. Women have the right to choose what they deemed as important to them; be it motherhood or becoming childless. In turn, the society's institutions must support the mothers in their journey to motherhood and their chosen path outside mothering. Thus, motherhood, in this study are in different voices, but they choose to mothering in different ways. References Anonuevo, C. (1994). Ideology and cultural practice, sex and gender in Philippine society: a discussion of issues on the relations between women and men. NCRFW, Philippines. 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