Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!

Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?

A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley

Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?

Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.

Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?

Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.

Miss I.M.Honest

Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.

A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.

Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!

Your Horoscope For Today

The mists are clearing, the spirit world has spoken, I Ali Umbongo have spoken and the heavens have shown the celestial path and the gherkin of foretelling has sweet and sour predictions. Using careful study of the universe and no guessing whatsoever let the miracle begin...

Aries - A varied day ahead, you will be chased by a tribe of head hunters down the high street only to find a pound coin in the doorway that you use to hide. Boa constrictors will play some part in a chance meeting with your future partner in crime. Together you will mastermind a bungled bank job and receive a life sentence for using the word piano inappropriately.

Taurus - Your bull headedness will increase, by tea time you will have horns and a swishy tail. Avoid china shops, red items and gaily dressed individuals with pointy hats and swords. Oh, and circular arenas. Maybe a good time for a nose piercing.

Gemini - Now is the chance to expand your waistline. Being a twin theoretically means you have two stomachs and twice the metabolism so trough away guilt free safe in the knowledge that your spiritual twin will be taking all those calorie hits! I also predict that at some point today you will read this with your eyes open proving that all this is true. Believe my green gherkin hide, I tell the truth!

Cancer - A chance encounter with a vacuum cleaner and a donkey will catapult you on to next weeks X-Factor where you will be laughed at mercilessly as you try to sing Little Donkey in the style of Jay-Z. Miraculously after spilling the beans about your childhood upbringing full of deprivation and tales of living for years in a bin you get to go to boot camp. You then find out the real use for a donkey and a vacuum cleaner and it will take another thirty years of therapy to remove the mental scars of Tommy Walsh.

Leo - You will be petted by passersby until you remove somebody's arm outside Greggs. After this you will need a lion down to get over it.

Virgo - Waking this morning from the dream you had last night of eating the worlds biggest marshmallow you will find your pillow has disappeared. Virgo is gentle and delicate and prefers to stand back and analyse before stepping in, you prefer the company of goats and the colour of hiccups, which of course is Burple.

Libra - With a star sign that sounds like a cheap alcoholic drink you are probably need a quick 'nip' to get you through the day. I don't blame you really, today is a shocker. I f you could see what I could see, my god it's really is going to be bad. Shockanory is one way to describe it. Good luck!

Impossimal -  You are a gentle person living in a gentle world, the fact that you have a rotund body, stripes, a long nose and no mouth pose no problems and you are perfectly capable of handling important items like macaroons, hearts and rabbits.

Scorpio - Today is nude day for all Scorpio star signs so shed those clothes and march proudly into work wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Be careful though if your occupation uses power tools, or hot water. Firemen and Policemen may, as a sign of their position, wear a helmet. However if you are a doctor you must remain naked and greet your patients with the words 'Lovely to get the air round my flue, how can I help you?'

Sagittarius - After an early start your day your commute to work will involve several wilder beasts, a dachshund called Derek and a twenty seven piece orchestra. The works photocopier will only photocopy body parts which you will then send to Mystic Gherkin, PO Box 53536, Astral Plane 25, The Universe, for my perusal. Oh my! Please excuse the shaky typing.

Capricorn - Your guaranteed winning lucky lotto numbers are 23,14,17,1,2,9. *Guaranteed to win!! (*may take 52 million draws over many centuries but at some point they will win, you saw it here first!) The most gullible of star signs you will eventually work out why dogs can't look up and why putting your finger in your ear when you swallow will cause your other ear to pop. Also beware, if you place your finger in your belly button and turn anti clockwise your bottom will fall off.

Aquarius - You will be banned from the swimming baths for urinating in the water after being caught by the attendant. Next time don't do it from the side, wait until you get in. Further embarrassment will occur when you mistakenly ask at the hairdressers for a pullet rather than a mullet and up looking like a cock.

Pisces - Now is the time to take on a new challenge and become Le Petomane a professional flatulist - bottom wind performer to the stars. Amaze and shock your friends in equal measures as you skilfully recreate the bombardment of Port Arthur, a buzz saw, popping corks and the sound of a creaking door. End your performance by blowing out a candle from ten feet away with careful control.

The mists have fallen and the Mystic Gherkin is silent once again. Placed in its esteemed position at the back of the kitchen cupboard it will return to predict when Christmas will occur (sometime around the 25th of December) and the outcome of the world record attempt to place an elephant on a matchstick whilst it's balanced on Mr T's nose.

CLASSIFIEDS

Anne Ole Joike - Singer, book for stag, club, parties. Own teeth.

B.D. Biddlesworth - Victorian Dad, hire for children's parties. Makes sure children are seen and not heard. Specialities include balloon bursting, castor oil tasting and spanking. Comes complete with cane.

Emma Dreaming & Arthur White - Ideal for Xmas parties, for additional fee Chris Muss will attend to make a trio. Pixie dress optional extra.

Crap presenter required for old BBC car show, no time wasters or Chris Evans please. 

Sunday 21st June, Knickerbockergloria appears outside the Apple store in Chappelfields, Norwich for a game of ROAR, more details soon! @sapphire1dragon. #gogodragons2015