Call Me Kate

Gerard over at the Presurfer linked to a fun photo-comparison generator that finds the celeb you most resemble, and I had to go make sure I wasn't starting to look like the Cookie Monster.

My results say I'm a 44% match to Kate Burton of Grey's Anatomy and Scandal fame:



It's actually pretty accurate; aside from the hair color we could be sisters (I would be the younger, heavier, snow-haired sister, ha.) I did a little research and found out she's also the daughter of actor Richard Burton, which I thought was pretty neat.

If you try out the generator, tell us which celeb you resemble in comments.

Floating Comma Hidden SPAM

I always reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me, even when English is obviously not their first language:

Dear Sir ，

So this is already starting out well. What?

This is [Kindness Duct Tape] from [Kindness Duct Tape] and thanks for your time to read this email.

Eh. I needed a blog post for today.

[Kindness Duct Tape] is [yada yada yada] and we have more than 100 million users all over the world.

Counting people who read your SPAM is cheating, you know. Hey, how did you get that comma after Sir to do that?

Our main products are about [yada]， [yada]， [yada]， [yada]， and more [yada].

They just kind of float, don't they? Like little balloon commas.

Now our targets are as below :

Lo siento, pero no hablo estupido.

1. Is it available that we make advertisement on your websites and we pay for your nice working?

Alas, have no websites. Is nice working that thing we do when we say "No problem" to a client when we really mean "You're an unpleasant demanding ass who can't edit or write your way out of a paper bag, but I'd like to get paid so I don't have to sell a kidney to pay for my medical insurance premium"? If so I can nice work all day long. I should add that to my resume: Nice worker +15 years.

2. Is it available that we post on your websites and we pay for your nice working?

Okay, so that's not it. Maybe you mean networking? You should really stop using Babel Fish, you know. It's hardly ever right.

We make very high diacount of our products ，and put it in your websites or put it in your newsletter part， and we share the total sales.

I love the floating commas, but I'll be honest: I'm afraid you'll infect me with your crap spelling and your inability to hit the space bar at the correct moment.

any suggestion, kindly let me know.

Hire someone whose first language is English. You'll never regret the investment. Trust me.

Looking forward to hear you soon.

Turn your ear to the south. I should be shrieking any minute now.

Thanks Sincerely，

I want one of those commas!!!!!!!

Eureka! (and Sub Op)

I think I've figured out how that Good Reads reviewer was able to rate my story Forget-Me-Knot: she must have borrowed it from someone on Library Thing! You can see a copy of it in the LT member's library right here:



Now I can't say how this person got a copy of a story I haven't written yet, but we're not going to rule out mind reading, psychic transference, time travel or any sort of retrieval method that wouldn't cause a literary/temporal paradox. Hold on, since I'm also a member of Library Thing, maybe I can borrow it from her! Wouldn't that be completely awesome? Then I can just copy it and save myself all that time I would waste, you know, actually writing the damn thing.

While I'm working that out, here's a sub op for all you SF erotica scribes:

House of Erotica editor Nicole Gestalt has an open call for Cosmic Encounters, an upcoming erotic SF antho, and would like to see: "Science Fiction but any sub-genre is welcome be it steamunk, BDSM, Fantasy, alternative-historical, action, comedy, crime or any other! Pairings: Any Heat: Any level from romance to burning the pages of the book!" Specifics on what she's looking for: ". . . stories with a science fiction feel. These stories do not have to be focused on the far future or even the near future, they could be alternative histories or stories from far away worlds. Be as inventive as you can but please don't forget the story line and the relationships! Since this is an erotic anthology there should be on the page sex scenes however don't forget the interaction between the characters and the relationship they have. The stories should either end with a Happy-For-Now or a Happy-Ever-After it would have to be a amazingly good story for me to select it if it didn't (but I am well prepared to have my opinion changed on that)." Also: ". . . stories that stand out so please don't just set your stories on Earth, they can be set anywhere in the solar system – or even outside of our galaxy. Don't be afraid to experiment." Length: 5-15K; Payment: "Royalties will be split 40% of the net profits with contributing authors, exact values will be given once we know how many stories will be in the final anthology." No reprints, electronic submissions only, see guidelines for more details. Deadline: June 30th 2014

Psychic Review #2!

L. sent me this update from Goodreads, which hosted that three-star psychic review for Forget-Me-Knot, a story I haven't yet written:



If you're out there, Fiona, thanks for the laugh -- much needed right now.

Entitled Ten

Ten Blogs with Titles I Love and Envy
(with descriptions and links so you can visit them)

100 Layer Cake: Aside from its decandent and delicious title, this blog covers all things wedding-related: "At 100 Layer Cake, we are dedicated to finding unique venues and ideas for your big day." The photos are especially spectacular, and while I've never before heard of a wedding-themed blog -- probably because I'm done with marriage for life -- I found the visuals quite inspiring.

Awkward Stock Photos: A Tumblr blog where "awkward stock photos finally have a purpose." I want to steal this idea and start one called "Awkward Novel Covers" but I'd have to feature too many of my own.

Design Love Fest: According to the About page "Bri Emery is an art director and the Los Angeles-based founder and editor of designlovefest, a lifestyle blog with an eye for design in style, DIY, food, travel, entertaining and more." I really loved the subtitle: Where type and images totally make out

Godzilla Haiku: Another Tumblr blog where SamuraiFrog celebrates Godzilla love in seventeen syllables. No, I'm not kidding. Much of the poetry is pretty awesome, too.

Inspiration Strikes. In the Kneecaps. -- Yandie describes herself as "the goddess of pickles" and "a 30-something year old divorced mother of two pre-adolescent girls. I have a dude who is around a lot who I like an awful lot, and a cat whom I tolerate. I work at {redacted} doing {redacted} for {redacted}. I have no mission for this blog... it's a little bit of everything. Humour, creative writing, ranting, parenting, pop culture, feminism and various ephemera." This one is thoughtful and very well-written.

Product Junkies Rehab: written by two 30ish New Yorkers on a mission: "The mission is simple: we love our products but we hate the junk. Starting this year, 2010, we’ll be purging our beauty routine of harmful toxins. We’re going to attempt to use only organic and natural skincare, haircare, makeup, and, yes–even deodorant!" Since I hardly ever wear makeup because nearly all of it makes me break out in rashes, I might be a frequent visitor.

Sho & Tell: Brooklyn blogger Shoko is an "Explorer first, writer a close second, show-er and tell-er always." Great photos with the posts.

Smitten Kitchen: A very neat cooking blog written from Deb Perelman's tiny but fearless NYC kitchen; reminds me so much of how my Dad was about food, too: "What you’ll see here is: A lot of comfort foods stepped up a bit, things like bread and birthday cakes made entirely from scratch and tutorials on everything from how to poach an egg to how to make tart doughs that don’t shrink up on you, but also a favorite side dish (zucchini and almonds) that takes less than five minutes to make."

Spray Beast: A graffiti art blog that "was created in july 2010 with the simple idea of showing the best graffiti in the world, on a daily basis. We have been involved with the graffiti scene for over a decade, both painting and documenting it’s evolution." I love, love, love this blog title. I don't condone vandalism of any kind, btw, but I'm a reluctant fan of Banksy, so this blog helps feeds my internal conflict.

Things Organized Neatly: This one is also a Tumblr blog, and if you're like me and slightly OCD about the art of organization, you'll want to have a look.

Huh Ten

Ten Amazing/Strange/Inspiring Things I Saw on the Internet Last Week

#1: A man who spent $158K on plastic surgery in order to resemble a human Ken doll insults a woman who wears makeup and hair extensions in order to look like a human Barbie doll.

Already I need an aspirin.

#2: Bruce and Melanie's Steampunk Victorian House

Bruce and Melanie, adopt me, please. Or let me be your housekeeper.

#3: "Don't break anyone's heart
They only have one
Break their bones
they have 206"

My next hobby: evil cross-stitch.

#4: Google adds the temples of Angkor, Cambodia to StreetView

This is one of the places in the world that I've always wanted to visit but likely won't, so I'm totally in love.

#5: Sakura, Sakura ~ the cherry blossoms of Tokyo

Sigh. If I ever visit Japan, it will have to be during March or April.

#6: The 25 Stages from Courtship to Marriage (in hand-tinted stereograph)

My count is 24 -- apparently one of the cards is missing -- but still, quite charming. Also a good reminder of how lucky we contemporary women are for not having to wear those long skirts and all the corsets, crinolines and petticoats that went with them.

#7: What happens when you and your family stop eating sugar for a year.

I lost forty pounds my first year. Still sugar-free, too.

#8: The Ten Types of Writer's Block and How to Overcome Them

Number 11: You spend your creative time reading articles about writer's block instead of writing.

#9: Woman throws shoe at Hillary Clinton during speech.

Everyone thought this was funny but me. Probably because I'm thinking how it could have easily been a grenade instead of a shoe.

And #10:



Sony's version of Sakura, I guess. If more commercials were this inventive I might start watching television again.

(Some of the above links were found over at The Presurfer.)

Birds & Art

Before we get to the Friday video, some of you know how my home is a magnet for nesting birds. I don't know why, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I feed them all year long. If you're going to have babies, might as well be near the best take-out place in the neighborhood.

For the last several years I have found birds nesting in the oddest places: on top of my birdhouses, in my potted plants and my hanging plants, but the absolute strangest spot of all time was in our backyard grill:



I thought I was the only author who attracted these ditzy birds, but it turns out they're after Shiloh Walker, too:



All I can say is lift the lid and check your grill before you turn it on, writers.

I do have a delightful video for you this week that features Lila, sort of an artist version of Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Amélie. It is long, but worth every second (and features music and background sounds, for those of you at work):

"LILA" from Carlos Lascano on Vimeo.

Fine with Will

I took the How Long Would You Survive After the Apocalypse test and discovered I'll probably make it for a while after:



This also gives me an excuse to tell a true story: my daughter actually met Will Smith some years back during a school field trip to Disney World. The actor was there on vacation with his kids, and still took the time to stop and talk to my daughter and her class and answer some questions. We didn't know about any of this until she mentioned it during dinner that night, and I didn't believe her until I asked her teacher, who confirmed the whole thing. So if I'm going to be like any celebrity, I'm absolutely fine with Will Smith.

How long will you survive after the Apocalypse? Take the test and post your results in comments.

Added: Broken link for the test has been fixed -- apologies for that.

Didn't Got Build

We have a loose tradition of having take-out from our favorite Chinese restaurant on or around New Year's, and while we're a bit late for 2014 we finally indulged last night. The place we go to faithfully is also the source of my favorite fortune cookies, as they always seem to offer some very quirky (and occasionally eerie) wisdom. So far 2014 has been relatively uneventful, too, so I was itching to read the first fortunes the Universe sent our way.

Our daughter's part-time job at a very busy store has turned out to be more like full-time, so I imagine she was happy to read hers:



My guy is not getting any younger, but he never uses his age as an excuse, and usually does twice the work of men half his age. He also doesn't give up even when things get really tough, so his fortune was probably not much of a surprise:



Then there was mine:



Love that comma placement. Of course it can be interpreted to be about writing -- isn't everything about writing? -- but at that moment it spoke to me about something else, too.

We always get an extra fortune cookie so that whoever doesn't like their fortune can have a do-ever. Since we were all happy with our fortunes we decided the fourth cookie would be a fortune for the year ahead for all of us. It delivered the expected wisdom along with an unexpected chuckle:

Who Plays Me?

Answer nine questions in this online quiz and you'll find out which actor would play you in a movie. Here are my results:



A bit young and far too pretty to play me, I think, and I don't know what that dream unicorn ref means (which proves how old and unhip I am.) So who plays you? Post your results in comments.

(Online quiz link nicked from Gerard at The Presurfer)

How British Are You?

Yes, there is an online test that will determine exactly how British you are. And yes, it's very silly. But if I have to post one more holiday-themed piece I think my head will explode.

Here, I'll post my ridiculous but oddly apt results first:



Must tell the cousins across the pond that they've been a bad influence on me. So how UK did you rate? Let us know in comments.

(Test link nicked from Gerard over at The Presurfer)

West Coast Attitude

According to this (brief) geographical attitude test, which evidently matches your personality with the U.S. state best suited to it, I should be residing on the other side of the country:



Since I have a sister who lives there that will have to do. So where should you be living? Take the test and let us know in comments.

(Test link swiped from Gerard over at The Presurfer.)

Laws of Physics? Need Not Apply

I read this college admissions essay for the first time over the weekend, and since 1) the web site hosting it is shutting down soon and 2) it is without a doubt the finest example of hyperbole humor I've ever read, I'm reposting it here:

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A
PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

(Essay found over on Turtlenck and Chains)

Ninja Texting

I'm off today to do some writing. While I'm gone, here's a new and very cute way to text:



Want to have a tiny little ninja do some texting for you? Go here.

Bucket List Ten

Ten Things I'd Like to Write Before I Kick the Bucket

Advertising Copy: I've written plenty of my own advertising as well as cover copy for many of my novels, but someday I'd like to do that for someone else's product (one that I personally believe in, naturally.) It could be any sort of ad, jingle or even a one-line quirky mission statement, ala Kashi's Seven whole grains on a mission. You know that Kashi thing is kind of catchy. Maybe author Sofie Kelly needs one like Two magical cats and a librarian on an investigation. Or author Jeff Somers could use Two tricksters and a rune-covered chick running from Armageddon. Sofie, Jeff, call me before I die, okay?

Dear Prez: I do dream of writing a letter to the President of the United States that is so powerful and persuasive that the President himself reads it instead of the Secret Service and/or one of his flunkies, and then is so moved he actually does something about it. I should get a fifth grader to coach me; they do it just for homework and get a response.

Grafitti: Nope, I've never written it once in my entire life. Why? Because I knew my mother would find out and kill me. Don't laugh, that woman has eyes everywhere. Maybe I could write it somewhere on my house. That still counts, yes?

Liner Notes: I might just do this for my own album collection someday; you know, just rewrite all the liner notes. It's not illegal, and like Linkin Park is going to come to the house and inspect my CDs.

Memorable Limerick: Limericks are hard to write; I've penned a couple but they weren't very good. I'd like to write one that would forever more be considered a classic. Probably would have to be really funny, or really filthy. Or both!

My Phone Number on Someone's Hand: It looks so cute in the movies, doesn't it? Never ever did that because I'd use the notebook in my purse. That's the problem; there's always a notebook in my purse.

Screenplay: Now here's a little known fact about Yours Truly: I did co-author a screenplay that made it to the semi-finals of the very first Project Greenlight. Since I also did the bulk of the actual writing on that one, I think I could swing one on my own. I'd even write one about Publishing, except they already did the Matrix movies.

Secret Book: I'd like to write one book without telling anyone about it, hide it somewhere with a big box of all that gold my grandmother left me. When I know the end is near I'd sprinkle around a few cryptic clues as to its location. Whoever finds it can use the gold to publish it, because of course that's what they'd want to do with gold. Stop giggling. Anyway, the first clue would be contained in a ten things list about things I'd like to write before I die. Kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I've already done it. I bet you're sorry you laughed now, aren't you?

Song: I have written lyrics a few times for songs composed by some musician friends, but I'd like to compose an entire song on my own. This one might be tough as I'm also the least musical person I know. Probably because I can't read or write music. Yeah, this one is going to be tough.

Wedding Vows: I personally always went with the traditional stuff whenever I got hitched. Did the Justice of the Peace thing, too. As I don't intend to ever marry again they can't be mine, but I wouldn't mind taking a shot at writing them for someone else. Or maybe a book of wedding vows for every occasion, i.e. first marriage, second marriage, tenth marriage, the marriage so one can get on the other's group health insurance, that vow-renewal thing they do just after barely avoiding a divorce . . . .

What's on your writing bucket list? Let us know in comments.

Hey, I'm a Franchise! Or Maybe Not.

Someone (you know who you are) sent me this, and evidently it's for a coffee shop somewhere in Mexico. Gotta love the name, but doesn't that mermaid look awfully familiar?

Flea Market Ten

Ever see a silky chicken? Me neither, at least until last weekend. Here's a peek included with:

Ten (Odd) Things I Found at the Flea Market

Writers Visual Dictionary

Because I obviously don't have enough on my plate already, I'm tinkering on a visual dictionary for writers, using photo-metaphors for different aspects of the writing life (sort of like a picture book version of the Devil's Publishing Dictionary.)

Here are some first attempts at entries:



To make it a proper dictionary I need to come up with A to Z terms, and likewise choose one word for concepts like "how it feels to hold your book for the first time" so I've plenty of work ahead.  Still, I think it's a fun way to revisit my photo archives and offer a few chuckles for the folks on Flickr.
Does anyone out there have a writer term they'd like to see me define with a photo?  Let me know in comments.

Must Chuckle

Today we must laugh, for it is the Friday of a three-day weekend and we want to start things off right, yes?



I usually dodge anything to do with that boobonic plague known as American politics, but this is simply too perfect for even me to resist. So now that I have my candidate, I just need a T-shirt (pretty sure I'll need one for Kris Reisz, too.)

I also absolutely loved this clever video (and its utterly adorable, geeky-hot presenter) from Popularlibros.com which details all the benefits of the next big thing in reading technology, the Bio Optical Organized Knowledge device (in Spanish, with English subtitles):



What's made you laugh lately? Let us know in comments.

As You've Never CV'd

This imaginative video made me grin, as one of my very first writing jobs was composing and typing up CVs and resumes for people looking for jobs. Oddly, none of mine ever did this (and a heads-up for those of you at work, this one has some background music):

Skoda - Curriculum Vitae from weareflink on Vimeo.