I'm Feeling Lost, How Do I Find Myself?

We've all been there—those moments when life feels overwhelming and we can't seem to find our way. We find ourselves wondering, "Who am I really?" or "What am I doing with my life?" Moments when we just feel...lost.

“We get lost in life the way we get lost when we’re driving: by making a wrong turn, for example, by not having a plan, or when something unexpected changes our route to where we’re going,” says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.

“These feelings often emerge during times of change, transition, or stress,” says Kristin Wilson, MA, LPC, CCTP, RYT, Chief Experience Officer at Newport Healthcare.

Whether you're at a crossroads in your career, coping with grief, feeling disconnected from yourself and your loved ones, or just a bit adrift in the chaos of daily life, know that you're not alone. Feeling lost is a common human experience that often promotes growth and self-discovery, says Wilson.

Finding yourself isn't about having all the answers right away; it's about taking small steps toward understanding who you are and what really matters to you. Here’s how to get started.

The Importance of Understanding Yourself

Being lost is an uncomfortable and unhappy place to be.

In fact, it can often feel similar to a depressive episode, with feelings of sadness, confusion, hopelessness, and purposelessness, says Emily Mashburn, LMHC, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor.

It can also have us anxious and on edge, because we feel like we’re lacking direction or meaning in our lives, and the future is uncertain, Mashburn adds.

Finding ourselves and having a strong sense of who we are—our values, passions, strengths, and even our weaknesses—is not just self-indulgent, it’s important for our mental health. In fact, research shows us that having a strong sense of positive identity is linked to better well-being.

How to Find Yourself

We asked the experts for some advice on what to do when you’re feeling lost. These are some strategies that can help you understand yourself better and find your purpose in life.

Practice Self-Reflection

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for understanding who you are, what you value, and what you want out of life. Here’s how you can use it to discover more about yourself: 

• Look back upon your upbringing: It can be helpful to think about your upbringing and the values you were raised with. Dr. Daramus recommends asking yourself: What still works for you about your family and culture, and where might your path be different?
• Analyze significant life experiences: Reflect on significant experiences in your life. How have they shaped your thoughts, actions, and beliefs? “Reflecting on our past helps us understand who we are as individuals in the present, as we are heavily shaped by our experiences,” Mashburn explains.
• Identify your core values: Think about what truly matters to you and why. This exercise can help you act in accordance with your beliefs and values, says Wilson. “These elements serve as guiding principles, helping you make decisions that align with your authentic self.”
• Question your assumptions: We all hold a specific set of beliefs and assumptions about ourselves and the world around us. However, feeling lost can be a sign that your assumptions are not necessarily true anymore. It may be helpful to challenge them and explore the results.
• Set goals for the future: Spend some time thinking about what your ideal future might look like, in terms of your career, family, relationships, and other interests. Then, outline a path that can help you get there. Set goals and timelines for yourself, so you have a purpose and direction to work toward.
• Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses: Be honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses. We’re all human with our own unique set of flaws and imperfections. Analyzing your strengths and weaknesses truthfully can help you identify areas requiring improvement, Wilson says.
• Learn from your mistakes: Think back on all the mistakes you’ve made in your life. Rather than beating yourself up about them, focus on identifying what you could do differently next time.

It can be helpful to set aside a little quiet time each day to reflect on your life. If you like, you can write your thoughts down in a journal. Research shows us that reflective journaling helps improve our self-knowledge and self-awareness, making it a useful tool while we’re trying to find ourselves.

Explore Your Interests 

Exploring your interests can help you figure out what genuinely excites and motivates you. Here’s how you can use this approach:

• Try new activities: Experiment with different hobbies, sports, or creative activities to find what you enjoy doing. This process of exploration can help you discover pursuits that resonate with you, contributing to a sense of purpose and fulfillment in life, says Wilson.
• Revisit past passions: If there were activities that you loved in the past that you’ve lost touch with, give them another go.
• Follow your curiosity: Pursue themes or activities that naturally pique your curiosity, even if they seem outside your comfort zone.
• Notice what energizes you: Pay attention to how different activities make you feel and what they teach you about yourself. Pursue the ones that leave you feeling energized and fulfilled.
• Discover your strengths: Notice which areas you excel in or find easy to learn. You might surprise yourself with unexpected abilities.
• Align your interests with your values: Make sure your passions align with your core beliefs and values.
• Connect with like-minded people: Engage with people or groups that share your interests, to form meaningful relationships.
• Integrate your interests into daily life: Incorporate your interests into your daily routine to make them a part of your identity.
• Explore career options: Consider turning your passions into a career path, so you can make money while doing something you love.

Build Authentic Relationships

While fake friends sometimes lead us astray, authentic relationships can add depth and meaning to our lives. Genuinely supportive relationships give us a sense of connectedness and belonging that can help combat the feeling of being lost. Connecting with people who share our values can reinforce our sense of purpose and provide emotional and motivational support, Wilson adds.

In fact, research shows us that social isolation has a negative impact on our mental and physical health; whereas, social connectedness improves our well-being.

Here’s how you can foster more authentic relationships in your life:

• Surround yourself with supportive people: Seek out relationships with supportive people who encourage you and accept you as you are, helping you feel more comfortable being yourself.
• Be honest and vulnerable: Share your true thoughts, feelings, and experiences with your loved ones, to build deeper connections. Be honest with them and let them see your vulnerabilities.
• Gain different perspectives: Engage with people who have different perspectives and experiences to broaden your understanding of yourself and the world. You might find yourself relating to unexpected people, thoughts, beliefs, or ideas.
• Reflect on interactions: After spending time with others, reflect on how those interactions made you feel and what they reveal about your values and identity.
• Give and receive feedback: Constructive criticism from your loved ones can offer valuable insights into your behavior and personality. Ask your close friends and family members to be open and honest with you, and do the same for them.
• Let go of inauthentic connections: Evaluate which relationships are genuine and which may be toxic or draining. Distance yourself from relationships that don’t align with your true self or pressure you to conform to someone else’s expectations.
• Learn from others: Keep a positive mindset and notice the good qualities in others. Adopting qualities that align with your values can help you grow as a person.

Embrace Solitude

Sometimes, we find ourselves feeling lost among the chaos. Our inner voice gets drowned out by the cacophony of others’ needs and opinions.

Embracing solitude is important for personal reflection and self-discovery, says Wilson. Spending some time alone can help us reconnect with ourselves, helping us reclaim our sense of purpose and direction. In solitude, we can quiet the noise, listen to our true feelings, and align with what genuinely matters to us.

Here’s how you can embrace solitude and use it to find yourself:

• Schedule quiet time: Set aside some time in your schedule, free from distractions, to focus on your inner thoughts and feelings. You can choose to spend this time meditating, journaling, walking, or simply sitting on your porch with a cup of tea.
• Tune in to your inner voice: Listen to your own thoughts and instincts and let them guide you. They will help you better understand your true desires and needs.
• Process your emotions: Give yourself the space you need to fully experience and process your emotions. Allow yourself to feel all the feels without any external influence or judgment.
• Explore your creativity: Do something creative during your alone time. Allowing your imagination to flow can reveal hidden aspects of your personality.
• Detox from social influences: Take a break from social media and other influences that might cloud the way you see yourself or the world around you.
• Strengthen your independence: Cultivate a sense of independence and self-reliance by enjoying your own company and making decisions based solely on your preferences.

Set Boundaries

Our boundaries are our personal limits and they help us stay true to who we are. 

Here’s how you can set boundaries to protect yourself:

• Identify your limits: Reflect on what makes you uncomfortable or drains your energy, to understand where your boundaries should be set.
• Communicate assertively: Communicate your boundaries to others in a clear, straightforward, and assertive manner.
• Prioritize your well-being: Make sure your boundaries protect your physical, emotional, and mental health, helping you maintain your sense of identity and self-respect.
• Say “no” without feeling guilty: Learn to say “no” to requests or situations that don’t align with your values or goals, reinforcing your commitment to yourself.
• Adjust your boundaries as needed: Regularly assess and adjust your boundaries as you grow and your needs evolve, so that they continue to reflect your true self.
• Respect others' boundaries: Recognize and respect others’ boundaries, fostering mutual respect and deeper, more authentic connections.

Seek Personal Growth

Seeking personal growth can be a key pathway to finding yourself. Here are some steps you can take:

• Adopt a growth mindset: A growth mindset teaches us that we can achieve anything we set our mind to, if we work hard enough. Embrace the idea that you can develop your abilities and personality through effort and perseverance.
• Set personal goals: Identify areas where you want to improve or grow, such as learning new skills, building your confidence, or improving your relationships.
• Step out of your comfort zone: Challenge yourself by trying different experiences or taking on new responsibilities that push you beyond your usual boundaries.
• Develop self-discipline: Focus on achieving your goals and be disciplined about it. Show up and put in the effort, day in and day out.
• Embrace challenges: View obstacles as opportunities for growth, and reflect on what you learn from overcoming them.
• Seek feedback: Ask for constructive feedback to gain different perspectives on how you can grow and improve.
• Review your progress: Regularly review your personal growth journey, recognizing how far you've come and what you've discovered about yourself along the way.
• Pursue lifelong learning: Continuously seek knowledge and experiences that expand your understanding of yourself and the world.
• Don’t be afraid to fail: Remember, failure can be a powerful teacher. Learn from your mistakes and look at them as opportunities to improve.
  

Takeaways

It's okay to feel lost sometimes—these moments can be catalysts for deeper self-discovery and growth. Finding ourselves is a journey, not a destination. It’s a process of self-discovery that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore the world that’s inside and outside of us. Take it one step at a time, and trust that with every small effort, you’re moving closer to the person you’re meant to be.

If you need support during this process, you can reach out to a mental healthcare provider, such as a therapist or counselor, who can offer guidance and help you find the path that’s right for you.