Why Letting Go of Control Can Help You Enjoy Life

Feeling the need to be in control is natural. It's when we try to control everything that we create unnecessary stress and anxiety that can hold us back. It's important to realize that we can never control everything. Trying to do that leads to many negative emotions when things don't go exactly how we try to force them.

Letting go of control isn't always easy, particularly when we face uncertainty. However, letting go of control can actually help bring a greater sense of peace. Plus, releasing the things you truly can't control can give you more time and energy to focus on the things that you can.

Why Do We Feel the Need to Control?

The desire to be able to control our surroundings and circumstances is ingrained into our consciousness. This is because the more we know about our world, the safer we feel. On the other hand, the less we know, the more scared we feel. The need to control is directly rooted in fear—specifically, the fear of what might happen outside our control.

Other factors that can contribute to a need for control include:

Anxiety

People who experience anxiety often have a very difficult time tolerating uncertainty. They may worry more about future events and ruminate over situations they cannot control. In other cases, they may mentally rehearse and plan out things they need to do to ensure that they are in control and that unexpected events don't derail their plans.

Past Trauma

If you've experienced traumatic events in the past, you might feel like you have to control everything in order to prevent similar things from happening again. This is why people with PTSD experience hypervigilance, a state of constant awareness and heightened alertness to danger.

Insecure Attachment

If you have an insecure attachment style, you may feel a need to control aspects of your relationship to gain reassurance, avoid abandonment, or avoid vulnerability. People with an anxious attachment style, for example, often have a strong fear of being abandoned by their partners. As a result, they may seek to control and micromanage their partner to assure themselves that the relationship is not at risk.

How Attempts to Control Negatively Affect Our Lives

It may be natural to want to control everything, but that doesn't make it healthy. There are many ways in which trying to control everything could backfire in the long run. Let's take a look at some of the top ones.

Increased Stress And Anxiety

People who try to control everything may experience more stress and anxiety than those who don't. People tend to feel more upset when they feel like they cannot control the sources of stress in their life. However, it is the perception of control that has a major effect on how people respond to aversive situations.

It's when we face stress and feel like we can't handle it that things become overwhelming. Sometimes, releasing the need to control everything allows us to stress less and feel more capable of handling what life throws our way.

Less Satisfaction

Feeling the need to be in control and not having it can make us feel dissatisfied. Perceived control can play an important role in overall happiness. People who have high levels of perceived control are more likely to also be more satisfied with their lives.

According to self-determination theory, people have an innate need to be in control and autonomous as they work toward personal growth. However, the theory also suggests that people who are highly motivated by a need for control may be less satisfied when they find they cannot control everything.

This may be why perfectionists sometimes struggle to be satisfied. Because their expectations are so high, nothing ever measures up, no matter how good it is.

More Criticism

Because there is no way to control everything in life, caring too much about how things outside your control are going can lead to increased criticism about everything that happens. After all, when you don't control the outcomes you want to, it makes sense that you don't like them.

In turn, being more critical can make us more neurotic, creating an unending and spiraling cycle in which we get progressively unhappier with our lives. And criticism of others can also be damaging for people who deal with depression and anxiety, leading them to criticize themselves more.

What Can Be Gained By Letting Go of Control

Now that you know how badly the need for control can impact our lives, it should be no surprise that there is much to be gained from giving it up. Giving up the need for control is often referred to as surrendering.

One example of that is Michael Singer's book "The Surrender Experiment," in which the author describes how his life improved when he stopped trying to control everything. Here are some of the benefits of giving up the need to feel control over everything.

Increased Peace And Relaxation

Proponents of surrendering and utilizing a practice like Singer prescribes speak about the results of increased peace and relaxation. This makes sense when you consider that trying to control everything causes stress and anxiety, as peace and relaxation are opposites.

Better Preparedness for the Unexpected

When you are less set on a specific outcome to a situation, you'll be in a better place to handle whatever the outcome is. People who have given up control and surrendered can easily take whatever surprises life throws at them.

By having less attachment, they're more able to go with the flow. This means that however life unravels, you'll be OK, rather than hinging your sense of OK-ness on specific outcomes that may be beyond your control.

Enhanced Connections With Self and Others

Inasmuch as trying to control everything makes you more critical of yourself and other people, giving up that control enables you to connect with others on deeper levels. That's because you aren't tying your love and acceptance for yourself and others on specific outcomes.

How to Let Go Of Control

Suppose you've decided you'd rather be at peace and well connected to others, rather than stressed and critical. In that case, you're probably interested in learning about how exactly you can go about giving up the need for control. The below tips will help you get started on this relaxing path, but there are many other ways you can accomplish it, too.

Anything you can do that helps you feel more OK with not being in control is excellent. It can be large or small, practiced often or only in moments of need. We encourage you to try one of the following to guide you on this new journey.

Discern What You Can and Can't Control

There's no way to give up control until you know where in life it's needed. Take stock of what you have going on. Think through the areas of life that are in your control and those that aren't.

Once you've established which fall into each category, commit to treating the situations where you don't or won't have control differently than you have been. This includes disconnecting yourself from outcomes and treating other people differently when they don't behave exactly as you want.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is all about being present. Being in the moment and appreciating everything good as it happens can help you accomplish the feeling of surrender. It enables you to regulate your emotions, which is especially helpful if you struggle with feeling the need for control. It also reduces stress, which increases with the need for control.

Journal

Writing down your feelings can be a big relief for your stress levels. When you journal, you may be able to think through things more deeply than if you just think about them.

Get Support From Loved Ones

Lastly, there is no need to go through this process alone! Chances are you have at least one loved one who also tries to control everything about life. You can reach out to them and let them know you're on a mission to surrender and give up control. Ask them to join you, then meet or talk with them regularly about how the process is going.

The need for control is natural, but it can also make our lives more complicated. With these tips, you can be on your way to a happier life.