Proximate Preparation For Marriage

SCL 9:
MARRIAGE & FAMILY:

PROXIMATE PREPARATION IN MARRIAGE
WHAT ARE THE PROXIMATE PREPARATION IN MARRIAGE?
Dating
• Dating is a stage when one engages

in different social activities in order
to spend time getting to know if
someone is a possible spouse in the
future.
Dating is a time to get to know another person fully.
Dating Dating is an opportunity to develop social skills and friendships.
Friendship is the best foundation for a true lasting relationship.
Getting to know someone in courtship and dating should have limitations.
Engaging in the sex act is not a guarantee of sexual compatibility.
Sexual abstinence is purity of the whole body and not just a body part.
Saying no to sex in dating is saying yes to real love.
Know what you want to achieve out of dating.
Courtship and Dating is a time to grow in character.

Catholic Understanding
of Dating
Dating is a Dating is “Full Dating is not

Dating is joyful practice but is of Wonder” wrong but can
but not trivial. not and not just be done
advantageous. “Wonderful.” wrong.
SOCIALIZATION:
PURPOSES OF DATING
• To develop appropriate social skills
to practice getting along with others
in different settings.
RECREATION:
• To have fun and enjoy the

companionship of others, and to try
new and different activities.
MATE SELECTION:
• To see others in many different

settings, to compare the personality
and characteristics of many people.
Stimulus Stage:
STAGES OF DATING
• Attraction is physical, mental or social.
Value Stage:
• Weigh each other’s values to see if

compatible. Usually determined
between 2-7 dates (best to breakup
here).
Role Stage:
• Analyze behaviors to determine filling

roles as lover, companion, friend,
worker, spouse and parent.
DATING DOS and DON’TS
DOS DON’TS
Do date to get to know other people. Don’t date to impress. Let the other person know the
real you.
Do have fun and go places to enjoy life and other Don’t go with risky company (alcoholics, drug addicts
people’s company. and etc.) and to risky places where your parents or
guardians would not approve your going to.
Do chat, talk, and spend some time exclusively. Don’t hang out in dark places, or very private places
such as bedrooms. Remember intimacy is a very
private matter and it happens in private places.
Do spend more time around people who bring out the Don’t waste your time with those who bring out the
best in your personality and character. worst in you.
Do date as an opportunity to get to know and Don’t date to get material or social benefits (e.g. to be
understand different types of people. given gifts, or privileges to ride a sports car, or get into
social events).
DOS DON’TS
Do practice your social skills: respect, punctuality, Don’t lead others on.
flexibility, and your communication skills:
honesty, understanding and tact.
Do date someone whom you have common Don’t date someone whose background or
friends and/or whose family you know. identity you don’t know from a friend or family.
You’ll be more prone to “dating lies,” or worse,
endangering your life.
Do date in groups. As the saying goes, “the more Don’t always single-date. Single-dating is talk-
the merrier.” dating and not necessarily know-dating.
Do date to enjoy, not just to talk, but to Don’t date to get involved intimately and engage
experience fun activities together (e.g. concerts, in physical activities with each other.
parties, outreach events, sports etc.).
Do date to grow as a person. Make dating an Don’t date to distract yourself, or miss out on
opportunity to enjoy developing yourself to make responsibilities (e.g. schoolwork, house chores)
better decisions, especially in challenging or opportunities and activities to grow
situations.
1. Men want honest, timely, loving
What Do Men Want? communication.
2. Men want self-sufficient, secure,

confident women.
3. Men want a manipulation-free

relationship.
4. Men want growth, personal

responsibility, and ownership.
5. Men want fidelity and a commitment

to the relationship.
6. Men want women who know how men

Source: Coach Rinatta Paries, in “What Men Want in a Relationship” from "Chinese Women Today“
[http://www.chinesewomentoday.com/relationships/menwant.big5.html]
need to be treated.”
1. Confidence (or Power)
What Do Women Want?
2. Sense of humor (Fun)
3. Money or the things money can buy

(Security)
4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)
5. A little bit of "Bad boy" qualities

(Mysterious and Independent/Strong)
6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies

Source: Scott Andrews, Founder of "Aspire Now" in “Smooth Sailing”
- sensitive, caring, etc.)” [http://www.aspirenow.com/smooth_03_01_what_women_want.htm]
Defective Dating
Dating leads to intimacy but not
necessarily to commitment
• Intimacy without commitment, like icing without
cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick.
Dating tends to skip the "friendship"

stage of a relationship.
• Intimacy without commitment is defrauding.
Intimacy without friendship is superficial. A
relationship based only on physical attraction and
romantic feelings will last only as long as the
feelings last.
Defective Dating
Dating often mistakes a physical relationship
for love.
• Physical involvement can make two people feel close. But if
many people in dating relationships really examined the
focus of their relationships, they’d probably discover that all
they have in common is lust.
Dating often isolates a couple from other vital

relationships.
• The exclusive attention so often expected in dating
relationships has a tendency to steal people’s passion for
serving in the church and to isolate them from the friends
who love them most, family members who know them best,
and, sadly, even God, whose will is far more important than
any romantic interest.
Defective Dating
Dating, in many cases, distracts young
adults from their primary responsibility
of preparing for the future.
Dating can cause discontent with God's

gift of singleness.
Dating creates an artificial environment

for evaluating another person's character.
Courtship
• Courtship is the ability of a male to express

romance or do romantic acts that will excite the
female into liking the male.
• Courtship will not only involve dating this person,
but an effort is made to limit dating to only that
person.
• The prize in the courtship is the girl.
• It is a time where the two should be strongly
evaluating the character and attitudes of the other
person.
• It is a time to get to know one another's families
because you not only marry the person, but their
family as well.
Engagement
• When the courtship has been

successful to the point where
the man is ready to "pop the
question," and she says "yes!” –
then, it is the time to become
Engaged.
• An engagement ring is
appropriate, along with a public
announcement of the intentions
of the couple to be married in
the future.
Some good reasons and value of an Engagement period:
It is a time to begin serious planning of their lives together.
It is a final testing time before the couple is actually married.
It is a time to more seriously learn to get along with each other.
It is a time to see one another more as they really are.
It is a time to get better acquainted with family and friends.
It is important to realize that caution is necessary so as not to cause shame or regret.
It is also a time, if one or both realize it is a mistake, it can be called off.

Marriage
• With the wedding vows and ceremony, the journey is not yet
complete; it moves into another stage called marriage.
• This stage likely begins with the honeymoon—a brief period of
privacy and intimacy as the couple are dramatically separated
from their former ties.
• Couples are impressed with the important differences between
being a spouse and being a parent.
• Time to learn what it is to be spouse before taking on the
responsibilities of being parent as well.
• The passage into marriage is completed in this mutual
exploration of our priorities about work, our styles of
lovemaking and our methods for handling everyday decisions.
• Roles are multiplied as “parents” combines with “spouse.”
Marriage, well begun and now maturing, turns to new
challenges.

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SCL 9:

MARRIAGE & FAMILY:

• Dating is a stage when one engages

Friendship is the best foundation for a true lasting relationship.

Getting to know someone in courtship and dating should have limitations.

Engaging in the sex act is not a guarantee of sexual compatibility.

Saying no to sex in dating is saying yes to real love.

Know what you want to achieve out of dating.

Courtship and Dating is a time to grow in character.

Dating is a Dating is “Full Dating is not

• To have fun and enjoy the

• To see others in many different

• Weigh each other’s values to see if

• Analyze behaviors to determine filling

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure,

3. Men want a manipulation-free

4. Men want growth, personal

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment

6. Men want women who know how men

3. Money or the things money can buy

4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)

5. A little bit of "Bad boy" qualities

6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies

Dating tends to skip the "friendship"

Dating often isolates a couple from other vital

Dating can cause discontent with God's

Dating creates an artificial environment

• Courtship is the ability of a male to express

• When the courtship has been

It is a final testing time before the couple is actually married.

It is a time to more seriously learn to get along with each other.

It is a time to see one another more as they really are.

It is a time to get better acquainted with family and friends.

It is important to realize that caution is necessary so as not to cause shame or regret.

It is also a time, if one or both realize it is a mistake, it can be called off.

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