“ Thank you for creating such a fine program. I love it.

Last night I spent hours playing and getting a real feel of The Jester. “

The Jester
101 JOKES
JESTER SAMPLE

This Ebook is a FREE product and must not be offered for sale or profit.
You may, however, pass it on in its entirety to anyone who you think would be interested.

“ It's really easy to use. Very good for speeches.

Tried several searches and came up with something nearly every time. “

The Jester
Copyright thejester.biz 2007

Page 1 Of 20
 INTRODUCTION

Welcome to this The Jester's joke sampler. If you enjoy this selection of jokes, just
imagine having well over 2,400 more of them, all ready to view at a click of your mouse.

In fact, last count,The Jester has over 2,700 jokes, quips, funnies and one liners, including
the Bonus Wedding items. What a unique humour resource to have at your fingertips.

The great appeal of The Jester is its flexibility. This is only an Ebook sampler. The
Jester is a database program that you can edit, search, add jokes to, delete jokes, print
and export.

If you tell jokes for a living, or just for fun, or write speeches, or make presentations, or just
want to lay your hands on some cracking gags that no-one else has got, The Jester is
definitely for you.

As an owner of The Jester you will also have access to your own area of the web site
where you'll find yet more jokes, the occasional free gift, and some special offers.

Thank you again for downloading this sampler, enjoy the jokes, and I hope I can look
forward to welcoming you as an owner of The Jester real soon.

Graham Parry
Creator of The Jester

CLICK HERE to order The Jester right now!

Page 2 Of 20
 Walter, an old Norfolk boy, wakes up to find his wife has died in her sleep. He dials 999.
"Where do you live?" asks the operator.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." says Walter
The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Walter says, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"

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A stockbroker goes to prison after being convicted of fraud, and becomes very nervous
when he meets his psychotic looking cell mate.
"Don't worry, Mate." says the prisoner, "I'm in for white collar crime too."
"Really?" says the stockbroker, breathing a little easier. "What did you do?
"I murdered a priest.

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I went into a bakery and said "How much for those two pies?"
The girl said "£1.50.
I said "How much for one?"
She said "£1."
I said "In that case I'll have the other one."

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A drunk wanders into a church and heads straight for the confessional box. The Priest
recognises him as someone he has been trying to get to church for some time and is
delighted that he has turned up. The Priest goes into the other side of the
confessional. A few moments later the drunk says, "Hey, have you got any paper your
side?”

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I cleaned out the goldfish yesterday.

They're useless at poker.

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A little old lady, who lives on the second floor of a block of flats with no lift. breaks her leg.
The doctor puts a cast on it, and warns her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor takes off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replies.
"Thank God for that!" she says. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that damned
drainpipe!"

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Page 3 Of 20
 The little four year old was trying to understand the concept of marriage so her father
decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the
wedding ceremony, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when Mummy came to work for us?"

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If an African elephant is brought to America, does it become an African-American

elephant?

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A young man rings 118 118 and says "I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Norwich,
Norfolk."
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Norwich, Norfolk," the operator says. "Do
you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Snake."

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A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was
walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't
let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and
got upset.
"What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Blimey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."

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Doctor Doctor after you bandaged my broken ribs I keep getting a stitch in my side.
Good. That shows the bones are knitting.

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Three churches in an inner city area were overrun with rats.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the problem. After
much prayer and consideration they determined that the rats were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any
of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the rats and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the rats were back.
It was only the C of E who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptised the rats and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

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Page 4 Of 20
 A lady went to the butchers shop looking for a chicken for dinner. She asked the butcher
to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but did not disclose this to the lady. He
kept the chickens in the bin below the showcase and so he reached down and pulled out
his last chicken. He put it on the scale, the lady eyed the weight and asked if he had one a
little larger.
"Yes," he replied. He took the chicken and lowered it down to the empty bin, shook it
against the side and brought it back out. This time when he placed it on the scale his
trained thumb hung just a little bit on the edge of the scale.
The lady eyed the weight and said, "that is fine, I'll take both of them."

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What do guinea pigs experiment on?

------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to
adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old
age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the pavements in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code
word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor
and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

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Q. What's the best way to tune a banjo?

A. With wire cutters.

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A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk.
Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for
service. The receptionist slowly puts down the phone.
"Yes?" he says warily.
"I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out please?"
The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down.
"Not bad" he smiles. "Not bad at all".

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Page 5 Of 20
 A man took his wife to the County Show and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot
from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365
times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

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Q. Do you smoke after making love?

A. I don't know. I've never looked.

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During the 'troubles' a motorist pulls up at a garage in County Amargh.

"Fill her up, please." he says to the attendant.
"I'm sorry. Got no petrol."
"Oh, OK. Can you put some oil in the engine then."
"Sorry, don't have any oil either."
"No petrol. No oil. What sort of a garage are you running here?"
"To tell you the truth, we're not really a proper garage. We're just a front for the IRA."
"In that case, just blow up the tyres."

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A man visits his local cinema. Throughout the film, he notices that a young chap in front
has brought his dog along and what's more the hound is laughing and crying at all the
relevant places. The film finishes and, gripped by curiosity, the man wanders over to the
pair.
"I couldn't help but notice" he says to the chap "but your dog laughed at all the funny bits
and cried at all the sad bits.... its amazing! I just can’t believe it!"
"I can’t believe it either" replies the man "he hated the book."

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Doctor Doctor I think I'm a packet of biscuits

No, you're just crackers.

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Page 6 Of 20
 Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a
real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous
shorts and Aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting
on beach chairs, enjoying MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead
gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help
but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning
Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," nodding and addressing each of them
individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognise them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These
outfits were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Again, they settled
on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking
toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about
to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good Morning Father
Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are
priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognise me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

The farmer's son was late for school.

"Sorry Miss but I had to take the bull over to the cow.
" Couldn't your Father have done that?"
"No Miss. You've got to have a bull."

------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his dog walk into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons.
"Ladies and gentlemen" the man announces in a loud voice. "I bet anyone here a pint of
lager that my dog can talk".
After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to the bet and is amazed when the dog
perches himself on the barstool and delivers a fascinating speech about the situation in
Ireland.
The barman says "That's amazing! But I bet you another pint that your pooch can't go and
get you a newspaper".
After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp fiver and says "I want the
change as well".
The dog nods and runs out the pub. He doesn't return after an hour though, so the worried
man goes to look for him and finds him in a nearby alley, with a local bitch.
"Oi!" yells the man. "You’ve never done this before!"
To which the dog replies "Well, I've never had the money before".

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Page 7 Of 20
 A man applies for a job at the zoo.
The manager says "Well, as it happens I have got a job going. It's a bit unusual but if you
are up for it I'll pay you extremely well."
The man is up for it so the manager explains that Kurgo, their prize gorilla and top
attraction has died. The job would be to wear a gorilla suit each day and pretend to be
Kurgo.
The man agrees to do it and not to tell a soul either. He puts on the suit and although it's
hot and uncomfortable he does make a superb job of being a gorilla. Jumping on the bars
of his cage, swinging on his tyre. The punters flock in and the zoo manager is delighted.
Then, one day, the man gets a bit to enthusiastic on the tyre swing and launches himself
over the top of the fence and into the lion enclosure.
The man is terrified as the lion moves towards him and starts crying out for help. At that
moment the lion shouts out "Shut up, will you! Do you want to get us both fired?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband is poring over the racing post while keeping an eye on the racing on the TV.
Just then he notices his baby son playing on the floor and casually mentions to his wife
"Baby's nose is running again."
To which she replies "Can't you ever think of anything but horses!"

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My wife gave up sex for Lent.

I didn't find out until Easter.

------------------------------------------------------------------

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting
across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I
have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do
you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "That's damn sporting of your mother."

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage

situation?

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Page 8 Of 20
Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

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If a prison warder goes insane and runs off, do they have a screw loose?

------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk was walking repeatedly around one light pole. A man came up and asked what
he was doing.
"I'm looking for my wallet that I lost."
"Are you sure you lost it here?" asked the man.
"No" replied the drunk, "but this is the only place where there is enough light to look for it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the
hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be
joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and rattled their chains.
"The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do mice have small balls?

A. Not that many know how to dance.

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During the war, people used to say that you needn't worry about the bombs. They would
only hit you if they had your name written on them.
Which was bad news for my neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other
one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.
He says "When did you start wearing them?"
To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

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Page 9 Of 20
Husband: Get your coat on love, it's time to go down the pub.
Wife: But you never take me out.
Husband: I'm not, but I'm turning the heating off before I go.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call two blokes holding up a length of material?

A. Curt n' Rod

------------------------------------------------------------------

While doing his deliveries, a postman was greeted by a young boy and a huge dog. A
little apprehensive, the postman asked the boy if his dog bites.
"No, never,' replied the boy.
Suddenly the huge dog lunged and bit the postman.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't." said the boy. "That's not my dog!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

If I take a ruler to bed will I be able to see how long I've slept?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young man. I'm in the
prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What did the rabbits do when they were thrown over the side of the Dover/Calais ferry?
A. Channel hop.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A customer asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says "Nothing special, Sir. We just tell them up front, they're going to die."

------------------------------------------------------------------

If Asda is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

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Page 10 Of 20
A man got up to leave during a long sermon. The Vicar said, "Where are you going?"
The man replied, "To get a haircut."
The Vicar said, "You should have gotten one before you came."
The man replied, "When I came in, I didn't need one!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?

A: Linoleum Blownapart.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, a pint of beer before the trouble starts."
The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and pours a pint for the guy.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! another pint of beer before the trouble starts."
The barman looks at the guy oddly but pours another pint and gives it to him.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts."
Barman pours a third pint with a frown on his face but hands it over reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts."
The barman replies, "Look, what trouble is this then?"
The guy says, "I haven't got any money."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy buys his son two Goldfish, and tells him he must call the goldfish 1 and 2.
Puzzled, the boy asks why.
Murphy replies "If 1 dies you've still got 2"

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Q. What do you call a man stuck to a car's bumper?

A. Reg.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A party of Americans are looking round Canterbury cathedral. Two ladies in the party
approach one of the shop assistants.
"Are you a monk?" one of the women asks.
"No," the assistant explains, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of
any religious order."
"Then where are the monks?" asks the woman.
"Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415."
Hearing this, the woman looks at her watch and announces to her friend, "Betty, we
missed the monks."

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Page 11 Of 20
Doctor Doctor I think I've overdone the Viagra.
Yes, I could tell something was up.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Did you hear about the woman that didn't know the difference between vaseline and
window putty?
A. All of her windows fell out!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A soldier goes to see his commanding officer to ask for a weekend pass.
"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her."
"Permission granted." says the CO.
The soldiers friend things he'll try for a weekend pass as well, although is wife wasn't
pregnant.
So when the CO asked why he should grant him permission, he says,
"My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you get if you cross LSD and the Pill?

A. A trip without the kids.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor Doctor how do I stand?

That's what I'm trying to work out.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the
woman could tell him how long he would live.
After careful charting, she said, "I can't predict the exact date of your death, but I do know
that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."

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Page 12 Of 20
Doctor Doctor my wife thinks I need treatment because I like sausages.
Well, I like sausages too.
Great. I'll bring my collection in. I've got over four hundred.

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Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A man rushes home one day with some exciting news.

"Darling darling." he shouts. "I've found a fantastic job. £25,000 a year, company car, five
weeks paid annual leave, private medical insurance and flexible hours."
"That's brilliant news" says his wife.
"I knew you'd be pleased." he says. "You start Monday."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor Doctor what can you prescribe for MS and impotence?

Cannabis for MS relief, and Viagra for the impotence.
Any side effects from mixing those two?
Only a few stiff joints.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A. Sun and Moon.

Q. Name 2 things you can do at a nudist beach.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A new group of men had just arrived in heaven. Saint Peter looked them over and
ordered, "All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who
were bosses in their own homes, step to the right."
The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to the right. Peter looked at the
frail little man standing by himself and inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that
side ?"
"Because this is where my wife told me to stand."

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Q. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals

A. Phillipe Filop

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Page 13 Of 20
 Doctor, Doctor sometimes I get so depressed I want to drown myself.
What stops you?
I can't swim.

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I enjoyed watching Apollo 13. I haven't been able to find the other 12 though.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I checked into this hotel and the sign on the reception desk read "Please ring bell for
assistant"
I thought "Why can't they ring it for themselves?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

An old Indian is standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passes by, on the way to
work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past... The Indian raises his
hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't
you?"
He nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?

A. One of them is organised.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Sandy McDonald had the reputation of the biggest skinflint in Scotland. When his son
started courting old Sandy was beside himself with worry about the cost.
One night his son gets home after a night out with his sweetheart and finds his father still
up.
"Can't you sleep, Dad?"
"No, Son, I can't. I keep thinking about how you're spending money on such foolishness."
"But Dad, you shouldn't worry. We only spent two pounds tonight."
Even Sandy has to admit that's not too much.
"That's all she had." says the son.

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Page 14 Of 20
In an effort to spice up their love life a couple buy a water bed.
Unfortunately their house caught fire and they were poached to death.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you get if you spray yellow paint in a northern Iraq brothel?
A. Lemon Kurd tarts.

------------------------------------------------------------------

If a ham is cured, what was wrong with it in the first place?

------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who works in an office at the Council headquarters is idly passing the time of day
and decides to look through a couple of old filing cabinets that have stood undisturbed for
years.
While opening one of the drawers he discovers a lamp and as he rubs the dust off a Genie
appears.
"Hey! guess what?" says the Genie. "it's three wishes time. What is your command?"
"A nice pint of beer wouldn't go amiss." says the man, and immediately he's holding a pint
of the best beer he's ever tasted.
So he thinks carefully about his next wish.
"I'd like to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful women."
In an instant he's there. Paradise! Beautiful maidens all over him.
"And for your final wish?" says the Genie.
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
And in a flash he was back in the Council office.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do elephants have for dinner?

A. An hour ... just like the other animals.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you get down from a goose?

A. Use a ladder.

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Page 15 Of 20
 A customer at Green's Fishmongers marvelled at the proprietor's quick wit and
intelligence.
"Tell me, Mr Green, what makes you so intelligent?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the
other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on
it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only £3 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back complaining that the fish heads were
disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.
Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Mr Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £3 each when I can buy the
whole fish for £2.50. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why are a lot of famous artists Dutch?

A. Because they were born in Holland.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor Doctor I've swallowed my driving test paper.

Don't worry. You'll pass it eventually.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in one of the
poorer areas of Liverpool.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained under the Prevention Of
Terrorism act.
They are Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin.
The Police say they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin
Workin, anywhere in the neighbourhood, but they are confident that anyone fitting his
description will be easy to spot.

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Q. Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?

A. His undertaker

------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell when you have run out of invisible ink?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 16 Of 20
 A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle
showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it
was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to
amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. "Why don't you grab a gun, take my
prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you make a fruit cordial?

A. Pat him on the behind.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Knowing that his 17 year old son is due to take his driving test soon, a father offers to
accompany him on a drive out. The Son gratefully accepts and they set off on a pretty wild
and adventurous journey.
After an hour the son speeds into the drive of their house and slams on the brakes.
After a brief pause the Father says "Thank you."
"No problem, Dad" says the Son.
"I wasn't talking to you." replies the Father " I was talking to God."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do airports hang mistletoe at the side of the check-in desks?

A. So you can kiss your baggage goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk
to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the
phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

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Page 17 Of 20
 A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi
about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to
educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian ! Rabbi, where
did I go wrong ?"
"Funny you should mention that..." said the Rabbi. "Like you, I too, brought my boy up in
the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he
has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do ?" asked the worried father.
"I turned to God for the answer." replied the Rabbi.
"And what did He say ?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should mention that...' "

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If the Comedy Store did an evening of wheelchair bound comedians, would it still be stand
up?

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Doctor, Doctor, I don't feel well. I've swallowed some Christmas decorations.
Yes. Definitely a case of tinselitus!

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The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He
entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to
Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her
infidelity.
With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable
existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants,
expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his
supposed friend:
"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking!"

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Q. What do you call a white man surrounded by 10 Indians?

A. A Bartender.

Q. What do you call a white man surrounded by 100 Indians?

A. A Bingo Caller.

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 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was
red but they went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we went through a red light.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red; again
they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay
very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right
through.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just went through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!!!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh my lord, am I driving?"

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Doctor, Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.

You have indeed, but that's only the tip of the iceberg!

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Murphy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses.
He thinks, "Great, I'll have them."
On his way home, he puts them on. Bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He
takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back
on... everyone is naked!
"Will you look at that!l!"
Happy as Larry he gets home, goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the
postman, naked in bed.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are
still naked.
"Damn," he says, "I just paid fifty quid for these and they're broken already!"

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 When George went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman
behind the counter asked him for his Driver's License to verify his age.
George looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the
woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home! I will have to go
home and come back later.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt!"
So George opened his shirt revealing his curly grey hair.
She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his
Social Security application.
When George got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social
security office.
Laura says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too".

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Drummer goes into a music shop. He's fed up of having the p taken out of him, he wants
to learn something else. He browses round and then goes to the counter
"I'd like the red saxophone and the white accordion, please"
The shopkeeper rolls his eyes at him
"You're a drummer aren't you? Buy a drum kit and bugger off"
Drummer says "Why? My money's just as good as anyone else's"
The shopkeeper says, "Maybe so, but the fire extinguisher's not for sale and I'll be blowed
if I'm taking the radiator off the wall"

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