Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

(And How Not To Be)

 2011 Oluseye A Komolafe ISBN: 978 978 48764 0 7

All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval systems, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission of the author who is the copyright owner

Pinpoynt

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D E D I C A T I O N
To

Mother: Mercy Olufunmilayo Komolafe With Gratitude & Admiration

Brother: Tiwalade Olatubosun Ademorijimi An Inspiration, who lived with Dignity and Self-Respect, who Made the Choice to Live his days Fully while here until he moved on.

Taiwo & Lily My Blessings

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To start with, I have to say a special thank you to all the people who have asked those questions that led me into writing this book you are the real authors of this work. I would also like to appreciate my colleagues in Michael Stevens Consulting who I believe are the most wonderful set of people to work with, and my boss Mr Francis Kudayah - who has helped me in many ways. Whatever the weaknesses and/or shortcomings that may be in this book, they would have been far greater without the assistance and kind help of Mrs Adeola Kudaya and Ms Omobolanle Lawal who went through the entire document before it got to press, always asking pointed questions; I thank them for their questions, comments, constructive criticisms, and inputs. I would like to thank my publishers PINPOYNT CONCEPTUAL SOLUTIONS especially Mr Olaseni Pinheiro and his team who edited the book. My Mum and my siblings - Bola, Bosun, Seyi and Biodun have been a tremendous support, words alone cannot express the thanks I owe them. Finally, I must specially appreciate my wife - Taiwo Komolafe, for her sacrifice, support, encouragement and assistance all the way. Shes indeed my Number 1 fan! Thank You All! Oluseye A. Komolafe, 2011

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C O N T E N T S

Poem: Bridal Dream Preface

The Levels Of Life Selfishness, Sacrifice And Martyrdom The Dynamics Of Marriage Relationship: The Child, The Adult & The Parent Rigid & Unbalanced Lifestyles 45 Surface Needs Vs Driving Needs 57 15

37

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B R I D A L

D R E A M

I'm waiting for the day When I can finally say That I'm a married woman And that my husband is my number one fan 'Cause at the moment it's only a dream At times I just want to scream Fearing this will never happen for me Yet in my mind it's all I see Wanting to wear that white gown And feel like the queen of the town To have flowers all around To have bubbles blowin' from the ground The perfect wedding that's what I want But bad dreams haunt Me every day Thinking, knowing I'll never see it that way What can I say, it's every girls dream To be a bride and beam Beautiful for the world to see And know she's all she can be I dream of being a bride By the ocean and crashing tide The warmth of the sun For my day to finally come But for me it will never be that way It's a dream, that's all I can say. The confession of a girl -- Jessica Diamond

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P R E F A C E
This book is written against the background of the author who comes from a part of the world where the traditional structure of the family is still strongly held on to and valued by the society and promoted by the culture where in many cases the female gender seems to be at the lower end of many un-balanced relationships. The models and theories put forward in the book are not solely for married women or the female gender, the models and principles are in themselves gender-blind, and are applicable to all sorts of relationships, irrespective of the gender and number of people involved, including relationships outside of the traditional family setting. The author only chooses to use the traditional family setting because it presents a classic example of real life case studies of the models. The models also explain and give a lot of insight into the root causes of many of the issues and challenges that couples in a traditional family setup deal with, which if (or when) brought to the fore are easily dealt with, giving room for a healthy and blissful relationship to emerge. The author believes it will be a good exercise and a good investment of time if a husband takes the time to find-out the real reasons why his wife is frustrated or may become frustrated, and with the cooperation of the wife address the root causes. Same goes for the ParentChild

P R E F A C E

relationship. In summary, this book is about building better relationships especially on the home front. The author is aware and acknowledges that there have been a great number of books, theories and models suggested to address the different challenges and issues in the marriage relationship. Many of these are rooted in faiths and religious beliefs, but the emergence of Life Coaching and Couples/Family Therapy models and interventions have encouraged a higher consideration for non-spiritual and non-faith based sources. So the author being a Life Coach is approaching this issue from the perspective of a Life Coach. The author lays no claim to originality for any of the models here presented, much have come through studying, reading and practice. He strongly believes that the principles will work for anyone who will patiently learn and apply them as presented in this book. Oluseye A Komolafe

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THE LEVELS OF LIFE

Many times, the author has been confronted by individuals (many married, others single and some in one type of relationship or the other), and they have always expressed one or more of these sentiments: Why is it that, in more than two-thirds of families the best of everything is saved for 'Father' and he is waited on? If the children annoy him he goes to his club etc. The wife and mother bears not only the children but the burdens and heartaches? The husband only supplies the money (not always and generally not usually enough), the wife has the care of a growing and increasing family, and if the wife should die, there are plenty women for the asking? Other questions include; What role should the man or the woman play in an ideal marriage relationship? Who should dominate the other? Who should sacrifice more, the man or the woman? Are loving and responsible parents (especially the mothers) not supposed to sacrifice their lives for the family, i.e. her husband and her children? What other career goal should a responsible woman have other than raising brilliant, academically sound, medal-winning and later in life well employed children? Unfortunately by default, the societal expectation is that the woman should sacrifice more of her life for the betterment of the family, and her reward being the achievements of the rest of the family members. That the woman should

make it the business of her life to suffer and should pride herself on how much she has had to suffer, and bear. These questions and similar ones are the real reason for this book. The author attempts to treat every individual in a relationship first as a complete individual with ideals, dreams, hopes, goals, expectations, purpose, vision and mission which is who they are. The author strongly believes that there is but one way to establish harmony in the home, and that is - to establish it first in the individual! The author also believes or assumes that no man wants a burden-bearing, round-shouldered, wrinkled and fagged-out wife. That no man respects or loves a woman who will "submit" to bearing unlimited burdens or babies either. And, if a woman "submits" and yet keeps up a continual grumbling and nagging about it, a man simply despises her. That what every man hopes for when he marries a woman is that she will be a bright and reasonable comrade. If she is even half-way that she will get all the love and consideration she can long for. Bearing the above beliefs or assumptions in mind, we will attempt to see the implications and effects of the life of sacrifice that is expected of women on the women themselves as individuals. As well as the effects and implications of the life of sacrifice parents live for their children. Let us begin our exploration from the concept called The Levels of Life The reader should note that, Levels of life are not the same as levels of the mind. Levels of life refer to the different environments and situations that make up the world we live in. While Levels of the mind are the representations of the different layers or parts of our

thinking selves that concern the processing of these experiences. In other words, levels of mind is a much more complex area that is way beyond the scope of this book. However, different areas provide different opportunities for us to interact and experience different types of thought, which may in turn involve the different layers of mind. The models treated here look at how we fit in as individuals into larger groups, how our lives are split into parts, balance, and the imbalances that may occur between what we think we want and what we really want. The Different Levels Of Life (looking at different models) We are going to look at a few models and representations, each of which tries to provide a map of our lives. Each one aims to enable us to understand more effectively how different parts of our lives have various values, contributing to our overall experience. Some of the models seek to explain the sources of various types of satisfaction or fulfillment, others time allocation or priority. Depending on individual situations, each model has something to offer. However, it should be noted that these models are themselves only tools to assist understanding, and should not be considered definite and fixed patterns. Different people will have different experiences in different areas of life, and may vary somewhat from the suggestions in the models. These variations may actually be clues to dealing with the issues and challenges that individuals face, since the differences may require compensation elsewhere.

Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

Levels of Experience (Group Size)

In the levels of experience model we see the different levels of how we fit into the universe around us. The theory here is that generally one must satisfy the basic needs of each level in order to address the needs of the level or layer above it. In other words, the model expects that individuals should have a clearly defined Self State, with clearly defined individual goals, derived from ones ambitions, desires, hopes and dreams. It is after the Self State has been defined and balanced that one should

5 The Levels of Life

progress to the Family stage. Thus, one must ensure ones own survival and happiness before beginning to build a family unit and being concerned with the needs of that small and special group. Once the family group is stable, then, one tends to look outside it towards other groups to affiliate to and work with. At each level the groups become more all-encompassing and generally more macro in nature. Clearly we are thrust into situations in life that require us to work on multiple levels at once. When we do this, however, typically we are surviving all the levels, not experiencing them fully! The main point from this model is that it is very important for any individual to ensure that the most micro level in this case, the SELF is stable. Only when the Self is stable can the person begin to contribute fully to each of the other stages. From this model, two reasons why many married women are frustrated are; Undefined Self-State and Unbalanced Self state. With no clearly defined and set individual goals, motivated by no ambition, beaming with unfulfilled desires, with hopes only in God for a divine intervention, and memories of childhood dreams and wishes. What other recipe is there for frustration?

Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

In fact they can be said to be living a lie. This obviously is not just an issue with married women but with most people. Living a lie is based on the premise that; To be or to live less than you are, is a complete denial of who you are. Many individuals know quite well that they can achieve much more than they currently do, that they are not living their real lives, that they are not being themselves, even after many years of being in relationships, they know they are only acting as directed either by the societys expectations of the roles they should be playing or their religions or their familys. They are trapped in drudgery! What is drudgery? It is simply unloved work - nothing more nor less. Any work which is looked down upon, and which is done with the hands whilst the heart and mind are criticizing it, and running out after other things, - any work thus done is drudgery. Work done with the hands and a small and unwilling part of the mind, is drudgery. To him or her who respects, and loves, and does with a will what she finds to do, there is no drudgery. Many people wake every single day to go to work they know very well they do not like, jobs they are not happy doing, jobs which if given the option they will never choose. But, they go anyway, because they assume they have no choice, they believe they must leave home every morning for somewhere called work or else...! Many feel they are

7 The Levels of Life

trapped in the work, and if they do not do it they are as good as dead! Some or many of these people may be doing well on the so called jobs and even get to the top the jobs has to offer, but they know the job is only a meal ticket, nothing more. In other words they know deep within themselves that they are living a lie. This in itself is a cause of frustration. Lets take this a step further! The majority of women have been wrongly programmed to see relationships such as marriage as end in itself and not as means to an end. They see marriage as the goal of life, expecting that once they are married, they have the solution to all their issues and challenges, and they will be forever happy ever after! In fact, many young girls have been programmed by their parents, culture, and society, to live for and to please their husbands. But marriage being not an end, fails to meet their expectations, hence frustration sets in as a result of unfulfilled hopes and expectations. As important as the family institution is, more important are the individuals who make-up the family institution or unit! Once again: there is but one way to establish harmony in the home, and that is to establish it first in the individual! If two heads are better than one, then the two heads had

Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

better be two good heads, or else the two heads will be worse off than just one good head. Hence it is important that any two individuals who are going into a relationship of any sort must be individuals with a deep sense of awareness of who they are, what their goals and ambitions in life are, etc. They should be individuals who are comfortable with their identity as an individual and well secured in themselves. They should be individuals who are aware of their strengths, weaknesses, as well as the opportunities and threats around them at various points in their lives. These are issues which can only be sorted at the level of Self from our model. Marriage has no answer to these issues. They are personal issues that can only be successfully dealt with personally, of course with the help and encouragement of others. Over the years, lots of women (and a whole lot of men) avoid like plague answering fundamental questions like; who am I? What is (are) my life goal(s)? How will I know when I am achieving my goals? etc. They will rather spend time thinking, meditating, and even praying for answers on questions like who will I marry? And, when will I marry? They assume once the question of who to marry is sorted; all other questions will be answered or will automatically sort themselves. This is of course, until marriage tells them otherwise. The argument here is not about whether it is wrong or right to ask who will I marry, or to wish to meet and marry the right partner, but that some fundamental personal issues must have been determined because it is mostly outside the

9 The Levels of Life

jurisdiction of a relationship to answer these questions, even though relationships can greatly influence, make or mar some personal resolutions, especially when such resolutions are not made out of strong convictions at the level of Self. These personal convictions become the foundation on which the family institution is built, and if the foundation is well laid for the individuals coming together to form the family unit, the better for the family. The Holy Scriptures confirms this theory by asking the rhetorical question: if the foundation be destroyed, what can the righteous do? (KJV). It is the convictions of the individuals in a marriage (or in any other relationship for that matter) that fuels and directs the relationship and not the other way round (i.e relationships do not usually direct convictions). Issues like Personal Value System, Character Development, Personal Vision and Personal Mission and so on, should be and are best sorted at the level of Self. When they are not sorted at this level, they become a source of conflict and frustration in other areas and at other levels down the line or as the group grows larger. This model is also applicable to other areas outside the marriage setting. We have heard and seen instances and cases where men and women of great wealth and fame (celebrities so to speak) are shamefully disgraced by a major or minor character flaw. We have heard of individuals with

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Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

enviable credentials and high levels of achievement in their careers, yet having issues of low self esteem, and addictions of various kinds. These are symptoms of jumping, or omitting either intentionally or ignorantly issues that should have been sorted at the level of Self which later show up as defects in other larger groups. This highlights a mistake some rich husbands make. They assume that all a woman needs is money! Therefore, after depositing lots of money in the womans bank account, they see no reason why she should work or ask for more from life. Such men never bother or care enough to ask their poor wives (irrespective of how much is in her bank account) what her dreams are. They never bother to find out if money is all she needs, or if she is even happy at all, in-spite of the money. Many people can attest to the fact that life is not all about money! So many people (probably including your wife) want more out of life than money! We are all called to serve irrespective of our status and gender. There is a dimension of an intrinsic joy, that comes from knowing we are not just living for ourselves, that we are leaving our footprints on the sands of history, that humanity will know that we were here long after we have gone - that we came, we served, and contributed to building a better earth and making the earth a better place than we met it, before passing the baton on to the next generation. How can one quantify this feeling and joy in monetary terms, or how can it be monetized?

11 The Levels of Life

Husbands need to appreciate their wives even if it is just by reciprocating what their wives have done for them over the years. We are not referring to roles switching here! But just as wives have encouraged many husbands to become nothing less than what they are, and have encouraged and assisted them (their husbands) to take their deserved places in their careers and in the market place, loving and caring husbands too should also begin to ask if they have ignorantly or intentionally neglected the Self or the Individuality of their wives. Just as the wives have been supportive over the years, husbands should assist their wives in discovering who they are, identify with them; and help discover any hidden talent(s) or untapped potential(s) in their wives. In short, try and re-discover the woman you have lived with for years and yet know so little about! Ask genuinely about her goals, her ambitions and her dreams. Ask her, if you (the husband) were not in the picture what would she have loved to do? Where would she loved to go physical places? Who would she have loved to be? What would her wardrobe look- like? And so on. You will be surprised how much of herself and her life, she has sacrificed for you! Even she may not know it! So make it a duty or service and contribution to humanity and help someone identify and discover herself and support her in living to her potential.

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Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

Your wife will be eternally grateful and you will begin to see love emit from her to you not just at the emotional level but at a level and dimension that can only be experienced rather than imagined. On a lighter note; many women in their characteristic emotional response to genuine love and care, will tell their husband: Honey.... Thanks for caring... but ......you see....actually.....I cant imagine my life without you......if you are gone ....then Im gone.....without you.....life has no meaning...my life is empty....blah, blah, blah and the discussion ends with one or two rounds of love making. Please, dont let that happen, at least not until you get what you are looking for. We should also note that a womans dreams and goals after marriage may be genuinely different from her dreams and goals before marriage, and there is nothing wrong with this.

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II

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SELFISHNESS, SACRIFICE AND MARTYRDOM

Lets talk about Selfishness, Sacrifice and Martyrdom, another reason many married women are frustrated. Positive Selfishness The concept of being selfish tends to be considered negative in our society today, since it is considered an example of being inconsiderate towards others. This, however is not totally true, this type of selfishness would be referred to as Negative Selfishness. I will define both concepts like this; Negative Selfishness Person puts themselves first in all things, including to the deliberate detriment of others. Positive Selfishness Person puts themselves first, without any deliberate or knowing ill effect on others.

As we can see, the key difference is the intention towards other people! Now let us consider a typical third position Martyrdom! Let me sound a note of caution here, By martyrdom we are not referring to any kind of religious extremism, but rather martyrdom to an ideal within a relationship (again, this is not restricted to a traditional marriage relationship, - it could be any kind of relationship).

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Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

Lets define Martyrdom and compare it with Positive Selfishness. Martyrdom to relationship Self-sacrifices in order to ensure everyone else within the relationship comes first Positive Selfishness Ensures personal wellbeing first

Now let us consider the end effects and implications of each of these concepts. The Martyr acts out of a sense of duty and responsibility to act for the benefit of others, excluding Self. This person will often be deeply miserable, never ensuring personal well-being, stability or happiness. They measure their success in terms of the happiness of others, and not themselves. This creates all sorts of problems and is a totally unhealthy relationship, whether between partners, or towards children. Let us consider some possible martyrdom-type relationship: end results of a

Sense of being owed something for all the sacrifice. Sense of being let down when the other person moves on or grows up. Sense of guilt for having let themselves go. Sense of unfairness and resentment for not having received the same self-sacrificial attitude in return. Sense of where did my life go after a long period of

17 continuing such behaviour. Classic Scenarios of Martyrdom: Marriage Relationships In a marriage or long-term relationship, one person worships the other, panders to their every whim, allows themselves to be down-trodden or even abused, and then when they split up wonders where their life has gone. This is a major cause of frustration for many married women who have been pre-programmed that their happiness and success in life is tied to that of their husbands. Therefore, once they get into any relationship, they suspend or stop all personal plans, goals and ambitions for that of the husband. They start to condition their life to that which they think or assume pleases the man. Under the guise of preparing themselves to be the good wife or the virtuous woman they sacrifice their self-esteem, self-confidence and even their individuality! One cannot estimate the degree of frustration many married women go through when their marriage is childless! This is mostly due to the wrong assumption that all issues, complications and challenges associated with being childless, have everything to do with the woman and nothing with the man. As a result of this erroneous belief system, such women run around for assistance, going to hospitals and taking various kinds of medical tests while the husband is totally

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Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

uncooperative. In some instances, the man with the support of his family members (who will counsel and advise that the woman to be patient) will go ahead and marry another wife under the guise of wanting to bear a child, leaving the first woman in a state of helplessness and frustration! ...You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. Kahlil Gibran.... The Prophet

Surface Needs Vs. Driving Needs

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Parent Children Relationships Another classic scenario (of which women are still more of the victim) is in parenting. We see parents sacrificing well beyond any level the children really wanted or desired, and then expecting the children to be eternally grateful! Later in life when the children have grown up and have moved-on with their lives as adults. They make comments like I gave up everything for you, You could not have wished for a better childhood, and so on. Ironically, such behaviour often drives the other person(s) away, since it tends to make the other person feel suffocated, suppressed and obligated. This behaviour is usually accompanied by the false expectations of great gratefulness and thanks. The Martyr forgets that he/she initiated this unhealthy behaviour, and not the hapless recipient! (husband/wife, children or both). Acting like a martyr is creating the same dynamic of relationship as when the other person is dominating or abusive. The difference is that it is initiated by the Martyr. Unfortunately, many married women are martyrs, only not many of them are conscious of it. If you are voluntarily self-sacrificing in a relationship, and you know or suspect there is going to be resentment, recrimination or guilt afterwards, then the dynamics have gone wrong. We all make sacrifices for our partners, but these should always be on the grounds that they are

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Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

necessary, fair and will not be repaid with a guilt-trip afterwards. It is a basic premise of relationships that, whatever roles and responsibilities are shared in whatever manner, the power balance should be fairly even. Neither party should be made to feel obligated to the other. Let us discuss this further!

Surface Needs Vs. Driving Needs

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Why Many Married Women Are Frustrated

P R O F I L E
Oluseye Komolafe is a Human Resource Development
Consultant with over a decade of professional experience and has been involved in many Human Resource and Organizational Development projects both at the individual and organizational level. He is currently a Supervisory Consultant with Michael Stevens Consulting and usually a resource person in many of the firms various management and personal development training programmes. As a certified Life Coach He teaches people better ways of meeting the tasks and challenges of life; and prods them to question and change unrealistic assumptions and beliefs. He also offers encouragement to those who are discouraged. He has a simple delivery style, which everyone can understand so that they are able to apply the principles of his approach in practical ways to meet the challenges of daily life. He can be reached through: email: [email protected]