205. The One With Five Steaks and JADE: Great, I'll see you then.

an Eggplant CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has

finally paid off.
Originally written by Chris Brown ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob
Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees
[[email protected]] you tomorow, she's probably gonna
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan realize, "hey, you're not Bob."
Silverstein. CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob
doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross the open arms of the wry stranger at the
and Chandler are there. Ross is next table.
watching wrestling.] ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie. CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and
CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish alone. I've done this.
midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how (At Monica and Rachel's)
you got there. (phone rings) ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's
ROSS: You ever figure out what that here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in
thing's for? New Mexico.
CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new ALL: Hi, Julie!
screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.
always answering the phone, people'll CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the
think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for
never gets pinned. his birthday.
(MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes the PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that
beep, you know what to do. you're rounding up? You know, like from,
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is like 20?
Jane. I don't know if you're still at this CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift,
number, but I was just thinking about us, the concert, and the cake.
and how great it was, and, well, I know it's JOEY: Do we need a cake?
been three years, but, I was kinda hoping CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little
we could hook up again. I barely had t he steep.
nerve to make this call, so you know what RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh!
I did? CHANDLER: But it's Ross.
CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: It's Ross.
JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked. JOEY: All right.
CHANDLER: Bob here. CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta
CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been go...do a thing.
up to? ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey,
aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and you're not really gonna go through with
in case you were wondering, those are my this, are you?
legs on the new James Bond poster. CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just.
CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing
have another call. (to Ross) I love her. for dinner tonight?
ROSS: I know. JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up
CHANDLER: I'm back. for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay
JADE: So, are we gonna get together or home and eat dust bunnies.
what? PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this
CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout is gonna cost?
tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling
Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish? that um, Chandler and those guys just
don't get that we don't make as much CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I
money as they do? have to, I have to confess something.
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always JADE: Yes?
saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a
we can afford to go here and there. jerk.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always JADE: How did you--?
have to go to, you know, someplace nice, CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this
you know? God, and it's not like we can weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm
say anything about it, 'cause, like this weird and sensitive. Tissue?
birthday thing, it's for Ross. JADE: Thanks.
JOEY: For Ross. CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all
RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross. cried out today.
MONICA: (enters) Oh my god. (At Somplace Nice)
RACHEL: Hey. ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the
JOEY: Hi. newly-appointed head lunch chef--
RACHEL: What? MONICA: Who is also in charge of
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you purchasing.
know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef
All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls who is also in charge of purchasing--
me into his office. It turns out they fired MONICA: Who has her own little desk
the head lunch chef, and guess who got when Roland's not there.
the job. ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own
JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story. little desk when Roland's not there. Here's
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they to my little sister--
made me head of purchasing, thank you MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross JOEY: Cool.
and Chandler downstairs, and they think PHOEBE: Let's see!
we should go out and celebrate. You ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait!
know, someplace nice. MONICA: Oh, sorry.
JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe JOEY: Sorry, sorry.
and Rachel) How much do you think I can ROSS: Monica!
get for my kidney? (glasses clinking)
(at Central Perk) WAITER: Are we ready to order?
ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this. RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get even looked yet.
a girl like that with conventional methods. WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me
ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to know. I'll be right over there on the edge
call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who of my seat.
she was meant to be with. You may be PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices.
destroying two people's chance for RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
happiness. JOEY: What are these, like famous
CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We chickens?
know me. We like me. Please let me be CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late.
happy. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not
ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman sorry I'm late. How incredible was my
the truth. afternoon with Jade?
CHANDLER: All right. ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to
ROSS: Go. the message she left you on my machine.
CHANDLER: Hi. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving
JADE: Hi. a message for you on my machine?
CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that
my number was your number, because I salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny
couldn't tell her that my number was my pizza! It's just...
number because she thinks that my ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each
number is Bob's number. just pay for what we had. It's no big deal.
ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do PHOEBE: Not for you.
when Mr. Roper calls? MONICA: All right, what's goin' on?
WAITER: Do I dare ask? RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't
MONICA: Yes, I will start with the want to get into this right now. I think it'll
carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled just make everyone uncomfortable.
prawns. PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine.
ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me. JOEY: Yeah.
WAITER: And for the gentleman? CHANDLER: You can tell us.
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.
pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that
nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper? uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh,
WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss? we don't have as much money as you.
RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) MONICA: Ok.
side salad. ROSS: I hear ya.
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be CHANDLER: We can talk about that.
on the side of? PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's.
RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an
put it right here next to my water? issue.
WAITER: And for you? RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the ROSS: That's a good point.
cucumber soup, and, um, take care. CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys
CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun haven't talked about this before?
catfish. JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you
WAITER: Anything else? know, like Monica's new job, or the whole
CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Ross's birthday hoopla.
Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my
my fish, aren't you? birthday to be the source of any kind of
ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided negative--there's gonna be a hoopla?
by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks. RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and
RACHEL: Um, everyone? then there's the stuff after the thing.
ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better,
JOEY: Thank you. then we can just forget the thing, and
ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't we'll just do the gift.
pay. ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
MONICA: Oh, thank you! CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were
ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece. gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can
not gonna happen. catch them on the radio.
CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go
flashback. to the concert.
ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and
the important thing is that we all be
together.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really MONICA: All of us.
happy you got promoted, but cold CHANDLER: Together.
cucumber mush for thirty-something ROSS: Not at the concert.
RACHEL: Ok. PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the
JOEY: Yeah. concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very
RACHEL: Thank you. Hootie place right now.
JOEY: Thanks. RACHEL: Me neither.
PHOEBE: Yeah. JOEY: Me too.
CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets.
gotta suck, huh? PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra
(at Monica and Rachel's) seats, you know, for all your tiaras and
CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the stuff.
bag? CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when
MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's you said that?
take a look. MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go.
PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit. RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what
MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, you want to do. Do we always have to do
and an eggplant for Phoebe. everything together?
ROSS: Whoo! MONICA: You know what? You're right.
PHOEBE: Cool. PHOEBE: Fine.
MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat ROSS: Fine.
suppliers at work, and the new guys gave JOEY: Fine.
me the steaks as sort of a thank-you. CHANDLER: Fine.
ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, RACHEL: Fine.
Chandler, what is in the envelope? MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not
CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem for another six hours. We're gonna go
so dorky in the hall. then.
ROSS: Come on. ROSS: Chandler!
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie CHANDLER: Yeah?
and the Blowfish! The Blowfish! ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?
MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my
worry. It's our treat. jacket and tell you I had sex today.
PHOEBE: So...Thank you. ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today?
ROSS: Could you be less enthused? CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler
JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it when somebody else says it. I was
just feels like-- awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to
MONICA: Like? stop from screaming.
JOEY: Charity. ROSS: Wow.
MONICA: Charity? CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile,
ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing but I took it as a good sign.
here. (phone rings)
RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand ROSS: Still doing the screening thing?
that your nice thing makes us feel this big. CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have
PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that to answer that phone again.
big. MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you
ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, know what to do.
you, it's like we can't win with you guys. JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just
CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, wanted to tell you that I was really hurt
maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's when you didn't show up the other day,
just how you feel. and just so you know, I ended up meeting
JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you a guy.
feel. CHANDLER: Bob here.
RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked JADE: Oh, hi.
about this.
CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I
huh? gotta run backstage.
JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage?
him 2 hours ago. STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the
CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he? band.
JADE: Eh. ROSS: Ross.
CHANDLER: Eh? CHANDLER: Chandler.
JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys
to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are
screaming your name. you one of the ones who fooled around
CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so with my dad?
good. (at Central Perk)
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy. ROSS: Hey, you guys.
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy? RACHEL: Happy birthday.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how
kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not was your night last night?
familiar with. And uh maybe you have to RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked.
get used to it. How was yours?
JADE: Well there really wasn't much time MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked,
to get used to it, you know what I mean? oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher.
(at the concert) Remember him?
MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him.
be able to enjoy this. Hey, how's his dad?
ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We MONICA: Uh, good.
all should be here. ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole
CHANDLER: So, let's go. evening was pretty much a bust.
ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you
should stay for one song. guys.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this
rude to them for us to leave now. whole thing is really stupid.
MONICA: You know, the guys are probably PHOEBE: We just have to really, really,
having a great time. really, not let stuff like money get--is that
(at Monica and Rachel's) a hickey?
JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time. MONICA: No, I just, I fell down.
PHOEBE: Ok. One. RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you
JOEY: Nooo. get the hickey?
MONICA: That was amazing! MONICA: You know, a party, or--
ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent. RACHEL: What party?
CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a
missed this. gathering of people, with food, and music,
ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah. and, and the band.
STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the
aren't you? Blowfish?
MONICA: Do I know you? CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and
STEVE: You used to be my babysitter. the band are like this.
MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey?
How've you been? MONICA: That would be the work of a
STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now. Blowfish.
MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're RACHEL: Oh!
eight. PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't
believe this. We're just like, sitting at
home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and
you guys are out like partying and having
fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish,
suck on my neck".
ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys
coulda been there, you know.
RACHEL: What, as part of your poor
friends outreach program?
(Monica's pager goes off)
MONICA: It's work.
CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm
sorry that we make more money than you.
But we're not gonna feel guilty about it.
We work really hard for it.
JOEY: And we don't work hard?
MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I
just got a page.
CHANDLER: I'm just saying that
sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a
little more.
JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.
CHANDLER: Yes.
RACHEL: Oh!
CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I

don't understand. Those steaks were just
a gift from the meat vendor. That was not
a kick back. I'll just replace them and we
can forget the whole thing. What
corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just
got fired.
PHOEBE: Oh.
(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)
WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be
$4.12.
JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler) You
got five bucks?
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you
know what to do.
JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably
way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3
years, and you're probably seeing
someone else now, but if we could just
have one night together, just for old
time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
END