What Matters and What More Pksg3d

WHAT
MATTERS?
AND
WHAT
MORE?
50 Successful Essays for the Stanford GSB and HBS
(and Why They Worked)
Written by In Partnership with

Jeremy Shinewald and Liza Weale John A. Byrne
Table of Contents
5 About mbaMission
6 About Gatehouse Admissions
7 Collaborating on This Guide
8 Foreword
9 Introduction
11 Harvard Business School
15 Stanford Graduate School of Business
19 Approaching “What More?” and “What Matters?”
25 HBS Essays and Critiques
26 Paul: Shhhh! Can You Hear Me Listening?
30 Andrey: Getting Outsiders In
33 Seema: From Crisis to New Rhythms
37 Davey: Starting with a Thud
40 Thomas: Straight to the Point!
42 Sylvie: Scrap Your Old Plan
46 Jerome: Bringing Outer Space Back Down to Earth
48 Yvette: Chameleon of Leadership
51 Simon: Desk Job Naysayer
55 Andre: Taking the Long Route
59 Sara: The Unstoppable Force Within
62 BRT: A Fish Leaps Out of Water (and into HBS!)
66 Samantha: Vacation, Redefined
69 Caleb: Not Puzzled at All!
73 Teegan: The Impossibility of Bumblebees
77 Stanford GSB Essays and Critiques
78 Abi: Zipping Along
81 Helena: Funfetti for Santa Claus
84 Frederic: Community Health to Healthy Community
87 Jules (Reapplicant): Stand by Me, Stand by You
90 Daria: Best Operatic Performance by a Product Manager Goes to…
93 Brian (Reapplicant): Swimming Hard Against the Current
96 Noemi: Quixota to Catalysta!
99 Lukas: In Matters of Principle, Stand Like a Rock
102 Christopher: The Ever Skeptic
105 William: Increments (Everywhere!) Add Up!
108 Dylan: Uber Growth
111 Felix: Dearest Curiosity
114 Juan: Skating into the Digital Future
117 Seb: Flattening the Field
120 Yamin: Serendipity in Ukraine
2 “What Matters?” and “What More?”

123 HBS and Stanford GSB Essay Pairs and Critiques
124 Mort: Slay the Digital Beast and Live Again! (HBS)
128 Mort: An Economical Narration of a Digital Beast Slayed (GSB)
131 Anna: Moving in Tandem (HBS)
134 Anna: Black, White, and Gray (GSB)
137 Eddie: A Deeper Sense of Self (HBS)
140 Eddie: A Briefer Sense of Self (GSB)
143 Rhia: A Fateful Copy Run (HBS)
146 Rhia: I Am Because We Are (GSB)
149 Yaphet: Wirrling Away the Days (HBS)
153 Yaphet: Redux, Re-Wirrled! (GSB)
156 Jocelyn: Three Traits for the Win (HBS)
159 Jocelyn: The “High School Drama” Bucket (GSB)
162 Marcus: Beer-Selling, Data-Loving Runway Darling (HBS)
166 Marcus: Beer-Selling, Data-Loving Runway Darling, Take 2 (GSB)
169 Gwen: Finding and Focusing a Future (HBS)
173 Gwen: A Future Found, Quite Honestly (GSB)
176 Zach: Trains, Planes, and Automobiles (HBS)
180 Zach: Yearning for Love (GSB)
183 Lloyd: Venturing into Venture (HBS)
186 Lloyd: Doing What I Love, Loving What I Do (GSB)
“What Matters?” and “What More?” 3

Do you have questions about
applying to business school?
We have the answers.
Both mbaMission and Gatehouse Admissions offer free 30-minute

consultations to help you jump-start your MBA applications by discussing
your candidacy, school selection, and overall strategy. Schedule yours
today!
www.mbamission.com/consult/
www.gatehouseadmissions.com/consult/

About mbaMission
With our collaborative, full-time team of experienced advisors, mbaMission has elevated and
professionalized the practice of MBA admissions consulting, earning the exclusive recommendation
of the world’s leading GMAT prep firms, Manhattan Prep and Kaplan GMAT, and hundreds more
verified five-star reviews on GMAT Club and Poets&Quants than any other firm. mbaMission prides
itself on its high-touch client engagement model and robust library of free content that includes
our suite of Insider’s Guides as well as The Complete Start-to-Finish MBA Admissions Guide.
Having already helped thousands of aspiring MBAs from around the world gain entry to elite US
and international business schools, mbaMission continues to grow and improve in our quest to
“graduate” additional classes of satisfied clients.
mbaMission offers all candidates a free half-hour consultation. Schedule yours today at
www.mbamission.com/consult/.
Jeremy Shinewald
Often quoted in major media outlets (including the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Bloomberg
Businessweek, and Poets&Quants) on MBA admissions–related matters, Jeremy Shinewald is the
founder and president of mbaMission, the world’s leading business school admissions consulting
firm. Shinewald is a highly sought-after speaker on business school admissions topics, addressing
audiences in New York, Dubai, London, Tel Aviv, Los Angeles, and other major cities on a regular
basis.
Before founding mbaMission, Shinewald was chief speechwriter for the Ambassador of Israel to the
United States. He was admitted to several top-tier domestic and international MBA programs and
ultimately became one of the youngest members of his class at the University of Virginia’s Darden
School of Business, where he was an admissions interviewer, wrote a business ethics case, and was
chosen by his peers to be Class Graduation Speaker.
He lives in the Boston area with his wife, Samantha, and their three children.

About Gatehouse Admissions
Gatehouse Admissions was founded by Liza Weale in response to the increasingly complex MBA
application process, especially at the most competitive programs. Gatehouse Admissions puts its
client work front and center in everything it does, intentionally limiting the size of its client roster
so that each client benefits from personalized support and a deep partnership. Its consulting team
gives clients the collective expertise they need most—as coaches, communicators, and MBAs from
the very schools the applicants target. Gatehouse even incorporates the views of distinguished
former admissions officers by recruiting such insiders to advise the team. This 360-degree
perspective, coupled with exemplary resources and service, enables Gatehouse Admissions to help
its clients rise to today’s competitive challenge.
Gatehouse Admissions offers a complimentary 30-minute strategy session to prospective

business school applicants. Schedule yours today at www.gatehouseadmissions.com/
consult/.
Liza Weale
With more than 75 five-star ratings on Poets&Quants, Liza Weale is one of the industry’s most
sought-after MBA admissions consultants. She credits her strong client following to her work ethic
and genuine interest in others, while her clients praise her unwavering support and warmth. She
began informally coaching aspiring MBAs as soon as she became an MBA herself. Her side hobby
blossomed into a full-fledged career once she joined mbaMission in 2012. Spotting an opportunity
to better serve clients targeting the most demanding schools (notably, Harvard Business School
and the Stanford Graduate School of Business), Liza founded Gatehouse Admissions and now
guides a small team of high-caliber consultants equally committed to “The Gatehouse Way.”
Liza earned her MBA at MIT Sloan. She started her post–business school career as a consultant at
Bain & Company and later led product management efforts in the educational technology space.
Liza lives in the Hudson Valley with her husband, John, and their version of kids (one dog and two
cats who sometimes get along).

Collaborating on This Guide
We, Jeremy and Liza, have known one another for over a decade and share such a deep mutual
respect that we are able to write a book together. Yet, like most old friends, we have some differing
perspectives—though in the context of admissions consulting, this is actually a good thing!
Our distinct yet thoughtful and experienced-based viewpoints reinforce the idea that the MBA
application process is much more of an art than a science (for which we are both grateful; this is
what makes us so passionate about what we do!). Given how much we both love our craft, we felt
that curating a collection of successful applicant essays to the country’s two top MBA programs
and offering our unique critiques on them would be both exciting for us and constructive and
enlightening for applicants.
We hope you enjoy learning from this guide as much as we enjoyed creating it!
Jeremy Shinewald Liza Weale

mbaMission Gatehouse Admissions

Foreword
Stanford Graduate School of Business and Harvard Business School are among the most selective
institutions in the world. In a typical year, Stanford turns away 94% of all the candidates who apply
for admission to its MBA program. Harvard says no to roughly 90% of its MBA applicants.
Your undergraduate academic experience, along with your performance on a standardized test,
either the GMAT or the GRE, looms large in these admission decisions. But those scores are only two
of the many elements that are scrutinized before an admit or deny decision is made. In a sea of high
GPAs and test scores, your admissions essays provide the best opportunity to clearly differentiate
yourself from the self-selecting pool of superb applicants at both these schools.
This is where you can give voice to who you are, what you have achieved so far, and what you want
your future to be. Yet crafting a powerful and introspective essay can be daunting as you stare at a
blank computer screen. For this reason, we’ve decided to partner with mbaMission and Gatehouse
Admissions to produce this valuable collection of essays written by successful applicants to
Stanford and Harvard.
What you’ll find is that there is no one way to present your best self to admissions. Some of the
essays here are incredibly pragmatic and straightforward. Others are so well crafted you could
imagine them being published in The New Yorker magazine. That insight alone might help to allay
concerns you might have about the essay and free you to just get to it.
We’re hopeful, too, that reading these examples will serve as a key to unlock your creativity,
allowing you to make the best use of this part of your application. As a whole, the essays are
representative of a wildly diverse applicant pool from all walks of life, a variety of industries,
functions, and geographies, and all ways of thinking.
True enough, the essay is just one component of your MBA application. But it is also the only chance
for you to get your story across in a way that is not formatted by the admissions committee. It is one
of the few opportunities to present yourself in your own voice. So read, consult, and be inspired by
the examples in this book.
We’re hopeful that in some small way, the insights you’ll gain will help you achieve your dream of
overcoming the odds and getting that admit from one of the most highly selective institutions in
the world.
John A. Byrne
Chairman & Editor in Chief
Poets&Quants
poetsandquants.com

Introduction
For at least two decades, the admissions committee at the Stanford Graduate School of Business
(GSB) has been challenging applicants with the essay prompt “What matters most to you, and
why?” From time to time, the school has tweaked the wording slightly and varied the recommended
length of responses (ranging from up to seven pages at one time to 750 words for many years, and
now just 650 words as of the 2020–2021 application season), but the essence of the question has
remained constant. GSB candidates face a fairly simple prompt with seemingly limitless possible
responses. Within recent years, Harvard Business School’s (HBS’s) admissions committee adopted
a similar approach, asking applicants some version of the following: “As we review your application,
what more would you like us to know as we consider your candidacy for the Harvard Business
School MBA Program?” Complicating matters for many candidates, HBS sets no word limit at all for
this essay, meaning the open-ended question is complemented by a potentially unending canvas.
Although these essay prompts are clearly worded differently, they are similar in that they both
demand that you give the admissions committee a sense of who you are as a person, rather than
simply detailing your achievements or focusing on a specific topic or event from your past. We
want to start by taking a brief look at each prompt separately and will then discuss essay writing
approaches that apply to both.

HARVARD
BUSINESS
SCHOOL
“As we review your application, what more would
you like us to know as we consider your candidacy
for the Harvard Business School MBA Program?”
(no word limit)

Emphasis on More
With the wording “what more would you like us to know” (italics ours), the admissions committee is
indirectly acknowledging all the information it already has about you, thanks to the other parts of
your application: your resume, extracurricular activities, recommendations, responses to short-
answer questions, academic transcripts, and GMAT/GRE score. You should therefore think first
about what these elements collectively convey about who you are as an individual and a candidate,
so you can identify which aspects of your profile still need to be presented or could benefit from
more detail. In more colloquial terms, we would say that the admissions committee has the “black
and white”; this is your chance to give them the “color.”
In other words, your essay is an opportunity to add a sense of your personality and spirit to
the more “flat” statistics and facts—this your opportunity to share your values. Your essay
also provides a place for you to flesh out aspects of your candidacy that might be mentioned
elsewhere but that might need—or would be enhanced in some way by—additional explication.
For example, if one of your short-answer responses informs the school of a certain fact, and a
profoundly important story lurks behind that fact that you feel effectively expresses a key part of
your personality or life experience, you can indeed use this story as part of or the central focus of
your essay. In this case, “more” does not strictly mean “thus far unmentioned” but rather “as yet
undeveloped.” By the time the admissions officer is done reading your essay, they should have a far
more comprehensive understanding of who you are. Indeed, your image should be “developed.”
What Is Not Asked
HBS does not explicitly ask candidates to outline their career goals or explain why they want to go
to the school, and this leaves many applicants grappling with whether or not they should address
these topics in their essay. We can assure you that in most cases, the simple answer is No. For one
thing, HBS asks for a brief description of your career goals in its online application, so it already has
that information. For another, no one gets into HBS based on how much they love the school, so
pandering is neither necessary nor helpful. Let us also assure you that HBS is not expecting you to
guess what question it “really” wants you to answer because, quite simply, no such “real” intended
question is hiding behind its prompt. The admissions committee is truly just asking about you and
wants you to share the facts and stories about yourself that you feel are necessary for you to be fairly
and fully considered as an applicant. That said, if part of your “more” involves your very particular
need to attend HBS (e.g., you are eager to become a superintendent, and HBS has a professor who
specializes in managing school districts), then you can absolutely include this in your essay—but it
better be naturally linked to your narrative and expressed in a thoughtful and compelling way! On
the other hand, if you are a consultant or private equity professional, for example, and plan to return
to your field after graduating (as we have seen many candidates successfully do), you would most
likely not need to discuss your interest in HBS or your post-MBA goals because doing so would not
teach the admissions committee anything new or unique about you.

Word Count (or Lack Thereof)
Jeremy’s Advice How do you approach a prompt that offers no restriction as to how much you can write in
response? What is too short, and what is too long? This quandary has paralyzed many an applicant.
We have seen successful candidates who submitted essays of as few as 500 words and others who
wrote essays of as many as 3,250. We recommend neither of these extremes! Although conveying
a compelling story in 500 words is technically possible, more than likely, you have much more to
say as an applicant than such a brief essay would allow. Meanwhile, 3,250 words is, to be frank,
an imposition on an admissions officer’s time and doubtlessly unnecessary. We believe the polite
“sweet spot” is approximately 1,000–1,500 words. If you are a great applicant, you will not be
penalized if your essay ends up closer to 1,600 or 1,750 words (after all, these are only our suggested
limits, not HBS’s), but most of the hundreds of applicants we have helped get accepted to HBS
in recent years submitted essays in the 1,000- to 1,500-word range. This length appears to allow
applicants to share their experiences and values in a thorough and somewhat detailed manner
without becoming verbose.
Liza’s Advice Remember that HBS uses your essay to better understand who you are as an individual. This goes
beyond just the stories you share to also include the time you take to share them. The application
process is, in part, a test of strategic communication, and your essay is a critical component of
that. The admissions readers review hundreds and hundreds of pages of material, so you should
be judicious and avoid overburdening them. If you write too much, your reader could tire or, worse,
perceive you as lacking self-awareness, having an inflated ego, or struggling with being succinct.
On the other hand, keeping your essay to a reasonable and manageable length can in itself
communicate humility and a consideration for others. So, what length should you target? Set your
range from 900 to 1,250 words. Does that mean you will be automatically rejected if you go over?
Absolutely not, and you will see several essays in this guide that prove this point. But 1,250 words is
a safe upper limit to work toward.

STANFORD
GRADUATE
SCHOOL OF
BUSINESS
“What matters most to you, and why?”
(suggested 650 words)

650 Words
The Stanford GSB gives applicants 1,050 words total for its two application essays, and how
candidates divide this total between the two is left to them to decide. However, the school does
offer a recommendation of 650 words for this essay and 400 for the other, whose prompt is “Why
Stanford?” Although we have seen instances when successful applicants have apportioned
their words quite differently, in the majority of cases, our applicant clients stick to the school’s
recommendation, and this is what we generally recommend. That said, a small shift in the
allocation of words from one essay to the other (approximately 50) will not really matter or be
noticed. We must add here that prior to 2020–2021, the GSB’s total word count was 1,150, and the
suggested length for this essay was 750. This is why a number of the sample essays featured in
this guide are of that longer length. We feel that applicants can still learn a great deal from these
successful past examples, even though they exceed the school’s current recommendation.
What Truly Matters?
A prompt like “What matters?” can be vexing to many applicants because it is simultaneously open-
ended and limiting. Part of the challenge is that multiple people can naturally feel truly passionate
about the same values, such as health, family, faith, and education. And because these values are
so common, writing a compelling essay on one of them that will stand out to an admissions reader
and position you as a unique individual can be extremely difficult. When an idea is so ubiquitous,
descending into cliché becomes all too easy. At the same time, writing your essay on a theme the
admissions committee has never read about before is likely impossible. Basically, the odds are slim
that you will break new ground with your chosen topic.
The key to an effective and memorable GSB essay, then, is authenticity. You must identify what is
truly of primary importance in your life and share the experiences and examples from your past that
support that theme. Your stories are unique to you, and they are what will set your essay apart, not
the specific topic itself but rather your presentation of how that topic has manifested in your life.
And if you have selected a theme that genuinely applies to you, you should naturally have multiple
supporting examples to offer. For example, you cannot write a convincing essay about “making a
difference” if your volunteer experiences have been only sporadic. However, if you have truly had an
impact on your community through your efforts and/or have exhibited a longstanding commitment
to a cause or person, then you should have plenty of evidentiary anecdotes to support this claim,
and the topic would come across as genuine rather than cliché. So, focus less on trying to choose
the “right” subject for your essay and more on identifying one that is personal and authentic to you.
If you write powerfully about your topic and connect it directly to your experiences and values, your
essay will have its best chance at being a winner.

What Not to Write
Ideally, the experiences and values you share in this essay will be deeply personal and authentic,
and if so, the fundamental theme you are trying to elucidate will naturally reveal itself. This means
you would not need to open your essay by directly stating, “What matters most to me is...” or
conclude your essay with “The reason this matters is....” If you feel that making such a declaration
is necessary for the admissions committee to understand your intent and message, take this as a
sign that your essay’s content might not sufficiently convey your theme and that you need to devote
more time to developing it before submitting. If you share relevant stories and examples of how
you have had an impact on your community, for example, the admissions reader will not be left
wondering, “What is important to this applicant?” Similarly, if you have explained the motivation
behind the actions you have taken and decisions you have made, the “and why?” element of
the school’s question will also be readily apparent. Of course, we are not saying that you will be
rejected from the applicant pool if you write, “What matters most to me is...” in your essay, but we
can assure you that doing so is often unnecessary, even if you feel obligated to.
As we have noted, the open-ended nature of the two schools’ essay questions is what makes
them so analogous. A prompt such as “Discuss your greatest professional accomplishment” or
“Tell us about a team failure” would limit your topic and the range of anecdotes from which you
could choose. But with “What matters?” and “What more?,” you are challenged to share stories
and experiences that showcase your values and provide a broader understanding of who you are
as a person. We recommend that before ultimately submitting your essay for either school, you
read it out loud so you can “hear” yourself and get a better sense of whether you have successfully
communicated your values and personality in your draft.

APPROACHING
“WHAT MORE?”
AND “WHAT
MATTERS?”

Brainstorm Before You Start
Before you ever put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), we strongly recommend that you spend
some time reflecting on who you are and what you want to say about yourself. Your essay will not
just materialize as you start writing. Deciding what you feel is important to share and how best
to express it is a painstaking process, but the time and energy investment will be worthwhile.
In addition to pinpointing what you have achieved and experienced in your life, repeatedly ask
yourself why you did what you did, what you learned from each situation, and how the event or
situation helped you grow. Really contemplate these questions in depth and push yourself to
explore the psychological and philosophical motivations behind your goals and achievements—
behind the things that have made you into the person you are today. Once you have identified what
you believe is an appropriate narrative and the stories that best support it, discuss your idea(s)
with your admissions consultant or with the individuals who are closest to you and whose input
you respect. Doing so can help validate deeply personal and authentic themes or rule out ones that
might be less effective or applicable, and this will lead to an essay that will truly stand out.
Prioritize Your Values
We have seen many applicants make the mistake of choosing the stories they want the admissions
committee to hear and then trying to force a theme that might connect them in some way. But this
is a tactic the admissions committees know well, and because it lacks sincerity and evidence of
introspection, it does not reflect positively on the candidates who attempt it. To craft a strong essay
response, you must choose a theme that is authentic to you and the focus of your submission and
have stories that reveal and support that theme, rather than the other way around. Your writing
should indicate a genuine analysis of your decisions, motives, and successes/failures, while clearly
illustrating how you conduct yourself. Be sure to fully consider and identify your most honest
answer(s), outline your essay accordingly, and then infuse your writing with your personality,
thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Avoid Typecasting
Another common mistake we see applicants make is believing the admissions committee seeks a
specific kind of individual, so they strive to portray themselves as such in their essay. Do not give in
to this myth! If, for example, you are convinced that HBS cares only about leadership and the GSB
is interested strictly in entrepreneurship, and you write your essays explicitly about these themes
without being able to authentically substantiate them, the admissions committees will recognize
the pandering and be neither fooled nor impressed. The GSB and HBS are diverse programs, and
they are not interested in selecting approximately 400 and 900 individuals, respectively, who will all
bring the same qualities to campus and make identical contributions. Similarly, do not assume that
an approach that worked for someone else will be equally successful for you! (We often hear, “My

friend did such and such,” but what worked for her worked for her! And you are not her!) In short,
the schools want to learn about you as an individual—whoever you might be—so look inward and
share the parts of yourself that make you you.
Frame Your Content
Applicants can of course choose from many different methods of showcasing their values in their
essays for these schools, but we recommend considering one of the four following ways: a thematic
approach, a focus on inflection points, a single anecdote, or a mosaic approach.
Thematic Approach
As you are engaging in self-exploration via brainstorming to identify topic and content options for
your essays, watch for ideas or themes that are common to multiple experiences or achievements.
An example of such a theme might be creative problem solving or stubbornness or risk taking.
If several of your meaningful accomplishments or defining moments share such a theme, you
could build your essay around it. But simply stating that theme outright and then offering three
examples is not enough—you must guide your reader through the relevant events in your life, using
these stories to illustrate how and why the theme has manifested and how you have grown and
developed as a result, thereby showing how the highlighted trait helps define you. In the end, your
values are what need to be the focus of your essay. See Yvette’s HBS essay (page 48) and Rhia’s GSB
essay (page 146) for illustrations of this approach.
Inflection Points
A popular approach to these essays—and one that is particularly helpful when the key events and
aspects of a candidate’s life cannot be captured or categorized within a neat and tidy theme—is
highlighting inflection points that were instrumental in shaping the individual into the person
they are today. This is not, however, the same as writing a linear biography or restating one’s
professional history in detail. The admissions committee does not need or want such a summary;
instead, the school is interested in your ability to reflect on the catalysts and defining moments
in your life and to communicate how these subsequently challenged and shaped your world view,
abilities, and/or character. Simply start your essay by providing context for the first and/or most
important incident that influenced who you now are as an adult and proceed from there, making
sure that in the end, your essay reveals your values. See Juan’s GSB essay (page 114)and Lloyd’s
HBS essay (page 183) for illustrations of this approach.
Single Anecdote
A less common but often powerful approach is to focus on a single standout event or moment in
your life that can serve as a kind of microcosm of who you are and what you stand for. If you can

identify a singular experience that truly defines you and speaks to the essence of your being, it can
stand alone in your essay. As long as the story you choose has inherent strength and power, offering
just the one anecdote will not make your essay seem “skimpy” or present you as one-dimensional.
But crafting an effective essay from a single illustrative event will require that you delve deeply into
the narrative, offering sufficient detail without a lot of explanation or additional commentary, so
that the story essentially speaks for itself. See Yamin’s GSB essay (page 120), and Mort’s HBS and
GSB essays (pages 124 and 128) for illustrations of this approach.
Mosaic Approach
Understandably, many applicants want to give the admissions committee a full picture of who they
are, and we as people are not driven by just one value, but by several. With the mosaic approach,
you can stitch together seemingly unrelated stories that reveal different sides of you. Keep in
mind that what complicates this approach is that you must be thoughtful about how you connect
everything; otherwise, your essay can easily read like a random mish-mash of examples, leaving the
admissions reader scratching their head and wondering what they were supposed to learn from it.
For this approach to work well, the transitions between the themes need to be smooth and natural.
Note that we recommend the mosaic approach only for HBS. The GSB uses the superlative “most”
in its prompt, indicating a singular focus, so you will do yourself no favors if you try to showcase
different themes of equal value. See Jocelyn’s HBS essay (page 156) and Zach’s HBS essay (page
176) for illustrations of this approach.
Decide Where to Start
Write Your HBS Essay First Jeremy’s Advice
If you plan to apply to both the GSB and HBS, consider starting with your HBS essay. Why? First,
writing a longer essay is typically more demanding and time-consuming, so addressing the more
difficult of the two while you are fresh and feeling the most motivated will give you your best
chance of writing a strong, effective draft. Second, many (though not all!) candidates might be able
to adapt the themes they use in their HBS essay in subtle ways to fit the GSB’s prompt. And some of
these applicants might even be able to adjust their longer HBS essay to fit the GSB’s smaller word
count, which is easier to do than expanding a concise essay to fit a larger one. However—and I want
to be especially clear about this—I do not recommend simply shaving your HBS essay down to 650
words. You will need to really think about what you have shared with HBS in that school’s essay
and then ask yourself whether that theme and its supporting evidence truly fit the GSB’s “What
matters?” prompt. The best approach for your GSB essay is to start from scratch to ensure that you
are answering the school’s question with sincerity, but by completing your HBS essay first, you will
likely find crafting your GSB essay much less challenging.

Liza’s Advice Write Your GSB Essay First
Rarely, if ever, do we take the time to ask ourselves what matters most to us the way the GSB does
for its essay. Answering this question truthfully requires us to be open, vulnerable, and self-aware.
But the payoff of doing the necessary work to uncover the answer is the unveiling of a driving force
that, once you can articulate it, will help you explain and give meaning to your actions. Engaging in
such reflection at the beginning of the essay writing process not only sets you up well to craft your
GSB essay but also your HBS and any other subsequent essays, thanks to the deep soul-searching
involved. The stronger sense of self that you will develop by tackling “What matters?” provides a
starting point from which to contemplate your HBS essay. Perhaps in your HBS essay, you could
augment the theme you present in your GSB essay by adding stories, nuances, or details. Perhaps
you could take your HBS essay in a completely new direction, showcasing entirely different stories
and values, or in just a slightly new direction, widening or narrowing your lens. Any choice is fine,
but I find that applicants who start with their GSB essay are more confident in their final output for
HBS simply because they are already that much more in tune with who they are.
A Final, but Critical Thought
Some applicants have a tendency to view the application essay as a riddle they need to solve, but
let us reassure you that it is not. As you will see from the numerous examples in this book, many
different approaches and voices can result in a successful essay. Despite how much you might
wish otherwise, this process cannot be distilled down into a simple formula. You cannot run a
regression on or reverse engineer these essays to find the approach that will definitively work for
you. Trying to analyze these samples in such a way truly misses the point! Although each applicant
who contributed an essay for this guide (and we thank them all immensely for doing so!) shares
their personal experiences and qualities and were ultimately successful, we must remind you that
the essay is just one component of a candidate’s overall application; other important pieces of
the puzzle are not presented here for these individuals. Some had high GMAT scores, while other
had low scores; some worked for five years, some for three, some for eight. They have notable
accomplishments and exhibit self-awareness, but we would argue that all successful applicants
do. We present the essays in this guide not as templates for you to follow but to give you a better
sense of what works (and sometimes even what does not!) by highlighting, critiquing, and clarifying
certain aspects of each one. You need to find your voice and share your experience! Focus on just
being yourself.
To safeguard the privacy of our essay contributors, we have redacted their names, disguised some
personal characteristics and details, and, in some cases, altered the names of their firms, clients,
and/or undergraduate educational institutions. However, the style and theme of each essay remain
unchanged. Likewise, we have made no editorial corrections to any of the essay texts; all factual,
grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors are those of the individual applicant.

HBS ESSAYS
AND CRITIQUES

Paul: Shhhh! Can You Hear Me Listening?
Many applicants have preconceived notions about how a great HBS essay should read. A candidate
could be forgiven for thinking something along the lines of “HBS wants to see ferocious, unyielding
leaders who achieve the impossible,” but the idea that most applicants would fit this mold is
unrealistic. Reading this guide should prove that point! In this essay, which is one of our absolute
favorites, the applicant writes about a superpower that effectively plays directly against the
aforementioned perceived HBS “type.” Rather than being the kind of leader who raises his fist and
screams, “After me!,” he listens and is continuously improving his ability to listen, while developing
an enormous well of empathy in his dealings with others. In managing a complicated family
dynamic, he realizes the importance of truly paying attention to what someone is saying, and he
adroitly hones this skill through challenging community work, which itself equips him to solve
personal and professional problems. Throughout, the applicant creates a narrative that is deeply
thoughtful and calming. His voice in the essay gives the reader the sense that he is a fundamentally
introspective person who draws power from reflection. But do not try to simply replicate his voice
in your essay. What is critical is finding your own.
By Jeremy Shinewald

As we review your application, what more would you like us to know as we consider your candidacy
for the Harvard Business School MBA program? (Word count: 1,213)
Despite all we had been through in recent years, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I asked my
mother one summer evening in Singapore, “What role did I play during those tough times?”
In 2014, a pulmonologist in Singapore, where my parents live, told my father he had three months to
live. The only solution was to undergo a complete double lung transplant in America—a precarious,
logistically complex, and financially burdensome procedure. Despite the daunting news, I sprang
into action and spent weeks researching options. I channeled my inner Product Manager and
delegated aspects of the research and planning to different family members, creating dozens of
spreadsheets detailing our to-dos. We then waited patiently for the call.
After months of nervous anticipation, I received word from the hospital that a matching donor
lung had been found. We hastily grabbed our “go bags” and rushed to the hospital. The 10-hour
surgery, though harrowing, was a stunning success. Assuming my work was done, I flew home
to San Francisco with an enormous burden lifted. In the subsequent months, though, my mother
would call me almost every day crying. Sometimes she was upset that my father—struggling with
his recuperation—wasn’t appreciative or, worse, was harsh with her; other times she was stressed
by the body- and mind-numbing labor that goes into postsurgical care. I listened and would tell
her that everything was going to be alright, but no amount of reassurance seemed to make her feel
better. To be honest, I had to wonder if it actually would be; there was no clear end in sight, and
1 In just a few short paragraphs,
everyone’s patience was running thin. 1 we have learned of a life-changing
medical miracle, and one would
expect the applicant’s story to be
There’s a saying in Chinese: “Amongst the hundreds of virtues, filial piety is the first in line (百行孝
fundamentally uplifting, but he
為先).” I had been there for my father and did not want exhaustion to prevent me from supporting then reveals the challenges that
my mother, who had given up her career and dedicated her life to raising and supporting her arose afterward, which serves as
an opening to a discussion of his
children. One evening, I stumbled upon an opportunity to volunteer at Helping Hands, a suicide
subsequent growth. After all, this
prevention hotline that focuses on providing emotional support. I knew that helping strangers story should not be entirely about
would be rewarding in itself but also thought the program could expand my own perspective and his father’s surgery but about
how the experience shaped his
help me guide my family through this emotional crisis, so I signed up on the spot.
perspective.
I had never encountered any experience as intense, rigorous, and grueling as Helping Hands.
Helping Hands volunteers go through an active listening boot camp, with dropout rates higher than
the Navy SEALs. After all, there is no room for error when you’re taking calls on a suicide hotline.
After months of relinquishing all weekend hours to training, I took my first call: a teenage girl who
just wanted to “be a kid and go to school” but had to work to financially support her chronically ill
parent. My first instinct was to respond with phrases like, “it’s ok, don’t worry,” but training taught
me that platitudes prevent the caller from feeling heard. Instead, an active listener must validate
the callers’ feelings and ask open-ended questions, empathetically steering the conversation
“towards the pain.” Rather than avoiding sensitive topics, active listeners get to the root of suffering
through deliberate dialogue.

Taking over 500 calls at Helping Hands, I learned how judgment and excellent listening skills are
incompatible, especially when the other person holds views or values that are completely diametric
2 The applicant uses simple
language to clearly explain the to yours. 2 For example, I will never forget the call from a serial pedophile who had nobody to turn
nature of effective listening and to except for us. Helping Hands requires operators to treat every caller equally and with empathy,
its inherent power. He also shows
no matter how you feel about them. So, I cast aside all presumptions and focused on talking to
remarkable dedication—500 calls is
no small feat! the caller like an old friend, listening to what he had to say and unraveling the struggles he was
wrestling with. By helping him get troublesome thoughts off his chest, I could only hope that I
helped reduced the chances of him reoffending. Practicing empathic listening with these callers
3 The applicant could have chosen
not to discuss how his empathy enabled me to understand and connect with humans who are vastly different from me. 3
extended to such a controversial,
even socially unacceptable,
Working with Helping Hands also taught me the importance of knowing my own emotional limits,
individual, but this example
illustrates the true depth and so I learned to practice self-care as a means to engage others. I started journaling regularly and
effectiveness of his skills. In became far more open to being vulnerable. Having inherited a stoicism from my father, I had to
explaining that he spoke with
take an honest, critical look at myself in order to manifest this shift. When I allowed myself to truly
the caller as though he were a
friend—in hopes of minimizing the unmask my feelings, I started to find real strength and resilience within. 4
likelihood that the individual would
reoffend—the candidate is not
As I came to these realizations, I began to incorporate them into phone calls with my mother. I
lauding his abilities as a panacea
but illustrating how he uses his withheld advice and simply listened actively, validating her feelings and allowing her to unpack her
listening skills and empathy to emotions. Slowly but surely, brick by brick, she began to piece her own life together in her own way.
optimize outcomes.
She allowed herself to leave my father’s side and instead to focus on her own well-being. She picked
up yoga and made new friends at her local church. A year later, she even took a solo trip to the UK to
4 In simple, plain language, the
applicant shows that he is capable attend a retreat at a monastery.
of looking inward, critically
analyzing himself, and then
Since my time volunteering at Helping Hands and supporting my mother, I’ve also incorporated
responding with targeted personal
growth initiatives. Improving one’s active listening into my professional life. When I discovered that a teammate was struggling to
core characteristics can often keep up with her programming tasks, instead of jumping to conclusions, I put my active listening
be challenging—the candidate
skills to use. She confided in me that she felt her manager had neglected her and that she had been
credibly conveys that he is capable
of true personal growth. struggling with personal issues outside of work. After talking through her concerns, we made
an action plan that would allow her to get back on track. I followed up with her consistently and
supportively, and a year later, she was nominated to become a technical lead.
In another instance, two executives with disparate opinions on our fraud management strategy kept
talking past each other. One believed that Square should fight fraud using internal resources, while
5 The applicant details how he the other wished to leverage multiple external vendors. When the conversation reached an impasse,
applied his listening skills to defuse
I used my active listening skills to paraphrase each person’s position so both executives felt heard
and then simplify a professional
problem. Some readers might
and followed up with open-ended questions to ensure the issues at hand were sufficiently explored.
consider his ultimate solution, a I steered the conversation out of stalemate, and the executive team reached a multilateral solution—
time-bound test, almost plainly
to conduct a time-bound test of the potential systems before choosing a path. The following day, the
obvious, but the key here is not so
much that the applicant found a
CTO commended me on my approach and my diplomacy. Active listening allows me to work and
way to resolve the issue but that understand people at a level that is simply unattainable if all I do is listen passively or speak without
he was able to do so in large part
thinking. 5
because of his thoughtfulness.
His ability to listen well engenders
trust in others.

So, with this new perspective on personal growth, I found myself one quiet evening chatting with
my mother, looking back at how far we had come from those trying times. She briefly pondered my
role amid our family crisis. Against the sounds of cicadas in the humid Singapore air, she looked
at me and replied, “you were my lifeline through my darkest times, listening to me day after day
without fail.” In the end, the best way to support my mother had been to provide her with the
scaffolding from which to reconstruct her own life.

Andrey: Getting Outsiders In
Andrey faces the unenviable task of needing to somewhat distract the admissions reader from
his past, but not for the red flags you might imagine. On the contrary, his pre–business school
credentials, including an analyst role at a prominent investment bank and a subsequent associate
role at a fast-growing private equity firm, are very compelling. In fact, both HBS and the Stanford
GSB allocate an impressive number of their seats to applicants from this very pool. Yet therein lies
the problem: the path of “banker-to-investor-to-MBA” is incredibly crowded, which complicates
such candidates’ efforts to stand out. Everyone in this group has worked on a “big deal,” pulled
an all-nighter, and stepped up to pinch-hit in the role senior to them. HBS has heard these stories
many times before! So, if you are part of this pool, what do you do?
The answer is to share things the school will not readily know about you rather than those it will!
Andrey focuses his essay on the importance of community and how he strives to contribute to his.
Although he mentions his work, it serves merely as a backdrop, and he discusses neither deals
nor transactions and instead reflects on mentoring more junior analysts and building a new tool
to benefit his entire group. Andrey thereby avoids characterizing himself as “just another finance
applicant” and showcases traits that HBS might not be able to assume in reviewing his resume—
compassion, humility, initiative, and empathy.
Andrey’s essay also exemplifies the old adage that the whole can be greater than the sum of its
parts. None of Andrey’s stories on their own would likely be sufficient in convincing HBS that he
is the stuff the school’s future alumni are made of. Yet by mentioning several examples (some
bold and character building, others—such as his effort to drum up interest in his office’s March
Madness tournament—smaller in nature), each of which deals with a slightly different challenge or
learning, Andrey conveys his earnestness and proves to HBS that his dedication to strengthening
communities will enable him to the very sort of leader the school desires.
By Liza Weale

for the Harvard Business School MBA program? (Word count: 885)
I emigrated from Eastern Europe at the age of eleven without speaking a word of English. Enrolling
in the 7th grade at a local public school, I was lost. No one helped—especially not the two other
Eastern Europeans who seemed to enjoy watching me struggle. The more I was excluded, the
stronger my commitment to learning English and dropping my accent became. I did whatever
it took—watching the Olsen twins’ movies with my mother on weekends and reading ESL books
during recess. As my English skills improved, so did my friendships. I initiated conversations—
risking ridicule for my accent—and asked to join my classmates’ activities. Soon, I no longer had to
ask to be included. In the 8th grade, my classmates gave their final proof of acceptance by electing
1 Being elected class president one
me as class president. 1 Instead of staying on the outside looking in, I invested in friends, the year after arriving at a school in a
culture, and the language. I had finally made America feel like home. foreign land must have felt like a
tremendous stamp of approval.
Note, however, that Andrey does
The next time I had to make a new place feel like home was in college. Though I had the language not focus too much on this success.
down this time, I again knew no one, so I immersed myself in student life. The organization I Perhaps he recognized that in the
eyes of the admissions committee,
was drawn most to was Student Government which emphasized building an inclusive community
the achievement occurred too
above all else. I loved contributing to the sense of connectedness through planning and executing long ago to dwell on; perhaps he
events such as the school-wide semi-formal, the annual gingerbread house competition, and our is humble and does not consider it
as significant an accomplishment
first carnival, a timely break right before exams. When elected as Community Lead, I shifted
as the reader might. Whatever
my focus to advocating on classmates’ behalf. I saw firsthand how my classmates were finding the reason, his choice ultimately
connections through our campus clubs. However, upon taking a closer look, I realized that many strengthens the power of the
example.
of my classmates felt that clubs could be improved. I investigated their issues; the themes I heard
were inconsistent: “Not enough of a budget to get our word out there! Not enough help from the
administration!” I launched an effort to help, putting together a proposal for the Senate Finance
Team that showed the need for increased funding. I slowly built buy-in with the faculty chairs of the
committee and ultimately defended our ask in front of the Dean of Student Life. As a result of my
dedication, clubs were awarded increased budgets, and a new full-time staff member was added to
liaise with the clubs. Not only was UPenn now home to me, but I had also changed that home for the
2 Theme-wise, Andrey’s college
better for current and future students. 2 story here is similar to his eighth
grade story (starting on the
outside, becoming a leader within),
Starting out as a stranger in my own communities, I’ve discovered that I take joy in helping others
but he takes this one a step further
get on the “inside” faster. 3 Throughout college, in addition to my roles in student government, I by explaining how he made a lasting
pursued positions as a Teacher’s Assistant (TA) for three professors and as a Welcome Member impact on the budget process. If
you use the thematic approach in
giving tours of the campus to prospective students. As a mentor to underclassmen, there were the
your essay, make sure that each
easy tasks like editing a resume and explaining how to utilize Excel. But I’ve learned that helping story reveals something new or
others requires real dedication. After Alexander, a student with a learning disability, failed his more about you.
accounting course, a professor asked me if I would help him with the class as he retook it. He
3 Note that only here at the start
needed much more of me than students I’d TA’ed—I created new materials better suited for his of paragraph three does Andrey
needs and started fresh, reviewing each individual concept with him. When he passed the class, state his thesis, but given what
he has shared of his journey thus
I may have been happier than he was. Now, I’m helping Alexander navigate his first year in the
far, we already understand why
professional world. community is so important to him.

Today, I still invest deeply in building a sense of community and connections. My side sessions with
fellow analysts on complicated modeling and new accounting topics led to me being selected as one
of two first-years at BankCo to tutor the summer analysts. Two years later and they’re contacting
me for guidance as they embark on the buy-side recruiting process—guidance I’m happy to provide.
At Private Equity Partners (PEP), I introduced new energy into the March Madness and World
Cup pools, replacing the generic email updates with my own 5-minute stand-up routine every
Monday—drawing together partners and associates alike. As a UPenn alum, I’ve created panels and
networking events to help current international students understand the visa process, a maze that I
worked through myself years prior.
I also continue to make my mark on my “homes”: prior to leaving BankCo, I saw an opportunity to
improve communication between industry groups and the M&A defense team by creating a website
for defense team requests. On top of my regular responsibilities, I made the case for the investment
and managed two technology developers in creating a website that is now used across the entire
investment bank. At PEP, I championed the Tech Team Offsite, an opportunity to brainstorm
sourcing strategies and new sub-sectors for investment. In addition to the new investment theses
we articulated, the offsite served as a mechanism to further develop the relationships between
junior members and senior advisors of the team.
My experiences have shaped the type of leader I am today—one who believes strongly in the value of
culture and connections and one who seeks change that will help a broader group. I know what it’s
like to be on the “outs”—I strive to make an impact on others by helping them be on the “in.”

Seema: From Crisis to New Rhythms
It is hard to argue with success, yet we might just do a little such arguing (gently!) with respect to
this applicant’s essay. We are grateful to the candidate who submitted this essay, and we indeed
found much to like about it, yet it reads a little long at more than 1,600 words. As we have noted,
some applicants are able to exceed our suggested maximum of 1,500 words without their essay
feeling long. That said, some shorter essays can ironically seem long because the candidate
belabors certain points unnecessarily. In this essay, we feel that trimming back the applicant’s
discussion of the “cause” (she devotes approximately 850 words to managing her diabetes
diagnosis) would enable the “effect” (roughly 550 words on committing herself to data-driven
medical innovation) to be more compelling. In the end, though, she had a vision for her essay, saw
it through, and deserves credit because she was ultimately successful, thanks to a robust profile,
complemented by effective execution.
This essay is a relatively straightforward narrative with a strong protagonist and a clear voice
and vision. The applicant shares how she manages the challenges of an unexpected medical
diagnosis without complaint; she adapts, looks for positives, and finds greater purpose in her
studies and work in devices/biopharma. She even shows that she can have fun, as the drummer in
her company’s band, which offers an important window into her personality amid a more serious
theme. Ultimately, we learn that she becomes a leader, managing a $25 million budget and five
engineers. Perhaps her remarkable professional growth was discussed by her recommenders in
their letters, so she did not feel the need to emphasize it in her essay, but we would have suggested
shifting the balance of her essay in that direction to provide even more detail about how her
newfound medical freedom led to these successes.
By Jeremy Shinewald

It was the summer break before my last semester of my Master’s Program at Vanderbilt University.
On the evening of 9 July 2013, I had just wrapped up my daily activities for my internship, reviewing
a technology disclosure on a strain-sensing carbon nanotube coating, and was returning home. As I
got up to get off the bus, I lost consciousness.
When I woke up at Nashville General’s Emergency center, the physician informed me that I had
1 We would recommend a small
tweak to situate this essay in time: developed Type 1 Diabetes (T1D). 1 I had no idea what T1D was, but I knew it was serious after
starting with an introduction learning that I was heading to the ICU that night. Apparently, I had developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis
such as “Waking up at Nashville
(DKA), a serious complication of having high blood sugar. I spent the following week in the ICU
General’s Emergency Center, I
vaguely recalled stumbling on a hooked up to four IV drips and mostly alone—my mom’s emergency visa didn’t get through in time
public bus. Now, a physician was and the ICU had strict visitation hours limiting contact time with my friends who came to see
informing me…” A change like
me. I remember being in constant pain and unable to sleep properly from the discomfort of the
this saves 60 words and creates
a greater sense of urgency and IV needles pierced into my hand veins. To deal with this new normal, I kept my mind occupied:
intrigue. researching T1D with academic fervor and talking to family members on the phone. I learnt that
T1D was as an autoimmune disorder, causing my body’s immune system to attack my insulin
producing beta cells.
I flew to Jaipur after being discharged to be with family and decide if I could return to Vanderbilt to
finish my Masters in the fall of 2013. I quickly learnt that I had to follow a strict healthcare regimen:
pricking my finger six times a day, calculating the carbohydrates in each meal and injecting insulin
into my abdomen four times a day. Additionally, calculating the timing and dose of the insulin shot
was not perfect science. As in a game of cricket, I had to time the strike of my bat (insulin shot) to
hit the incoming ball (release of food carbohydrate in the blood). If I timed my shot too early or gave
myself too much insulin, my blood sugar would drop causing me to feel dizzy. If I timed my shot too
late or did not give myself enough insulin, my blood sugar would spike, causing headaches and loss
2 Here is another section we would
suggest cutting back. Committing of focus. 2 It seemed too tall an order to take on the final semester of Vanderbilt, loaded with four
125 words to discussing insulin courses and with five interviews lined up, while still navigating my new healthcare routine. I was
administration is not necessary to
in dire need of a pep talk and I knew exactly whom to turn to: my first grade taekwondo teacher and
convey the central idea effectively.
life mentor, Anand Agarwal.
3 Shifting away from one’s main

narrative without disrupting the Anand Sir (as I affectionately called him) knew me since I was six years old. 3 My father had
flow of the essay can often be relocated my family to Dubai when I was ten, but I kept in touch with Anand Sir via emails, writing
challenging, but the applicant
to him about everything that crossed my adolescent brain. In the summer of 2012, as I contemplated
manages this transition quite
well. In addition, the digression going back to Vanderbilt, Anand Sir reminded me about my tenacious nature as a kid. He recalled
provides key information, the time when I wrote to him about my School Principal in Dubai. The Principal had told me—in a
including the candidate’s personal
meeting with my parents before I enrolled—that I would likely fail at his school and not be able to
background, academic and athletic
achievement, and commitment to keep up with the advanced syllabus. I was determined to prove the Principal wrong. I studied for
relationships. hours before examinations and met with my teachers when I needed extra help. For the eight years
I attended that school, I consistently ranked as the top performer in a class of fifty students and won

laurels in interschool debates, elocution and athletic competitions. Anand Sir looked straight into
my eyes and said “Diabetes is not going to be any different.” I was grateful to have trusted advisors
cheering me on and for a renewed sense of confidence in my abilities to succeed despite the odds. I
decided to return to Vanderbilt to complete my final semester.
I designed a detailed schedule for my final semester, compartmentalizing my time between

studying for my four courses, visiting my endocrinologist, preparing for interviews and spending
time with friends. I focused on aspects of my T1D that were under my control, like doing my best
to count carbs and dose insulin, and practiced letting go of things that were not, like dealing
with the aftermath of an inaccurate dose. In a way, diabetes also made me more of an extrovert.
I was initially embarrassed to take my insulin shot in public and used to take it under unhygienic
conditions in the restroom. A month into my final semester, I resolved never to do that again. It was
hard enough living with an invisible disability; I was not going to hide any inconvenience associated
with it. I was going to own every aspect of my condition, take my shots in public and hopefully
set the precedent for other new diabetics to do the same. With the moral support of my friends,
family and faculty, I graduated Magna Cum Laude from Vanderbilt, with a Biomedical Engineering
4 This is another section we
Research Assistant Position with Pentamic Systems. 4 believe could benefit from being
shortened, though as a whole,
it does a good job of illustrating
Experiencing the struggle of living with a chronic condition myself, I wanted to impact the quality
the applicant’s pride and self-
of life of other patients positively. I joined Pentamic Systems to help develop technologies to reduce confidence.
the risk of surgical infections for patients. As part of the clinical trial team for the Infection Barrier
System (IBS), I was responsible for collecting hundreds of samples of airborne microbes during
surgeries. I would stand for up to six hours in a crowded operating room (OR), swapping out plates
that collected air samples every twenty minutes and correcting the position of the device nozzles.
Working in the OR with a prototype medical device also involved the risk of electric shocks and
exposure to blood borne pathogens. As if controlling my blood sugar levels was not exhausting
enough, now I was trying to manage it while dealing with the many moving mechanical parts of
the IBS and Oxygen Suction Mechanism. But it was worth it; I loved the sense of comradery in the
OR—the Surgeon’s team working to ensure the success of the surgery and the Pentamic team trying
to improve the post-surgical recovery time for the patient.
Seeking a new career challenge and wanting to have a greater impact on patient’s lives, I
transitioned to work for Merck, a biopharma company pioneering a new class of drugs for cancer
treatment. Just as I had experienced at Vanderbilt, Merck offered its own set of challenges when
it came to multitasking my work and health management. My experiments were diverse and
often ran long hours. On one day, I would be programming a liquid handling robot to perform 96
microscale experiments simultaneously and the next day I would be operating energized pumps to
filter crude harvest solution containing drug substance. The stress associated with troubleshooting
experiments for long periods caused my blood sugar to spike and led to headaches, which was not
sustainable given my desired career path. I knew I needed to find a way to de-stress, so I decided
to learn to play the drums. Playing the drum cover to songs like “Sweet Child of Mine” and “Hotel
California” was liberating; aside from enjoying the sound of the instrument, drumming was like

meditation to me, my mind focusing on nothing but playing the drumbeat. I loved it so much,
that I joined the Merck Rock Band and played at company events. Playing drums ended up being
more than just a hobby; it reduced my stress levels and provided an avenue for socializing with my
5 Of course, one cannot just make
such a claim—one must truly bandmates and their families during dinners following show rehearsals at their homes. 5
live the unique experience to be
able to write about it—but this
At the end of my first year at Merck, my endocrinologist prescribed an Insulin Pump—a small,
is a wonderful complement to a
serious essay. Some applicants computerized device that delivered insulin continuously via a catheter placed in my abdomen,
might worry that discussing a essentially acting like a bionic pancreas. Because of the insulin pump, I was now free of having
hobby could be a waste of word
to take timed insulin shots. With the pump automatically controlling the delivery of insulin via a
count or seem trivial, but in this
case, it serves to illuminate who preprogrammed rate, I felt the freedom to pursue more ambitious projects at work: coordinating
this candidate is and adds a fun and the spend of a $25M budget, becoming a Project Lead for a new Manufacturing Process at Merck’s
appealing depth of character.
largest manufacturing facility, and being selected by the Director of Manufacturing Operations to
lead a team of five engineers to investigate a costly equipment malfunction.
Advances in both the biopharma industry (with the advent of synthetic insulin) and the biomedical
industry (with the invention of the insulin pump) have allowed me to lead a fulfilling professional
life despite my chronic condition.
However, I know that is not the case for everyone; an increasing population of patients is unable to
benefit from medical technology because of high costs. I want to be an active partner, representing
the biopharma industry, in discussions and initiatives with other stakeholders to make medicines
more affordable to the patient. To that end, I want to pursue an MBA from Harvard Business
School so that I have the tools to understand the issues and complexity of the environment in
which the biopharma business operates and gain a deeper understanding of how different players
interact to drive pricing. Growing technically within Merck has given me the confidence that
there are cost-saving opportunities in biopharma using innovative data analysis techniques—for
example, continuous data generated by automated manufacturing components can help schedule
equipment maintenance based on performance rather than on fixed timelines, saving unnecessary
maintenance costs. I would love to explore other real-world data sets that would lower costs and
improve access to vital therapies for our global society.

Davey: Starting with a Thud
What I especially like about this applicant’s essay is the prevalence of vivid, specific details. Note
that including such details is a strategic choice, and a wise one at that. Details not only make the
story unique to David but they also invite the reader in and establish a rapport between that reader
and the applicant. We can imagine David’s world quite easily, from the study carrel he sat in, to the
soap operas he watched, to the half-empty railroad cars that inspired him. None of these things
are intrinsically special; in fact, what makes them powerful is that they are common and relatable
(we can all easily envision a railroad car, for example). And when we can relate to something we
are reading, we feel a natural connection with the person who wrote it—even if we have never met
them.
Beyond using this essay as a teaching moment to illustrate the importance of specificity and
vividness, I will also mention that David takes us on a journey that meanders from 9/11 to supply
chain and networks. Unlike some of the other applicants with essays in this guide, David never
directly states the thesis of his essay (one could argue it is his interest in networks, while others
might say it is his deep curiosity for how the world works). But throughout the story of his journey,
he reveals earnestness and thoughtfulness, a willingness to learn and act, and a commitment to
improving the world however he can.
By Liza Weale

1 David opens his essay with an
anecdote, drawing the reader in for the Harvard Business School MBA program? (Word count: 993)
immediately. Note that beginning
with an anecdote only works if
the story relates to the rest of “Honestly Davey, I don’t know why.” My dad’s response startled me as a nine-year-old. He always
the essay; otherwise, it will just
had an answer, and my question: “Why did this happen?” seemed so simple. But on the morning of
be a distraction—or worse, an
annoyance—for the reader. David’s September 12th, 2001, nothing was simple. “Let’s keep reading. We have a lot to uncover,” he said.
anecdote works because it serves The New York Times thudded as it fell on the kitchen table. 1
as the jumping off point for his need
to understand the world around
him. So, that morning, we read. I continued to read...for years. By high school, I’d discovered books such
as Lawrence Wright’s The Looming Tower: Al Qaeda and the Road to 9/11, Peter Bergen’s Holy War, Inc.,
2 Note how David’s efforts to
realize his goal of studying in the and Amy Waters Yarsinske’s No One Left Behind. The second-floor carrels in Baylor’s library became
Middle East reveal his tenacity and
“David’s Spot” as the desk in the back corner accumulated stacks of books, documenting my search
resourcefulness.
for answers.
3 David’s incorporation of a more

informal, almost tongue-in-cheek By the time I got to Notre Dame, I wanted to do more than read; I wanted to see, touch, and feel. As a
tone here not only provides an
freshman, I obtained a grant to study and volunteer for a summer in Lebanon. I finally felt prepared
unexpected bit of humor but also
reveals that David does not take after five months of meticulous planning; yet in April, next door Syria was on the brink of war, and
himself too seriously. He readily
tales of bombings in Beirut left the program directors with cold feet. Undeterred, I brainstormed
admits that he was not as prepared
for his adventure as he thought he alternatives, even as my professors’ contacts evacuated the region. After nearly three weeks of
would be, but he quickly sets about researching near-by countries, placing pre-dawn phone calls to potential schools, and negotiating
assimilating himself into his new
community. with my parents to let me go, I landed in Amman, Jordan. 2
4 Applicants are often told not to

overly focus on stories that are Coptic Christian family? Check. A special tutor in Arabic? Check. Enough stomach meds? Not quite.
predictable or too commonly
Cultural awareness? Not even close. 3 I quickly learned “You don’t understand” in Arabic. I heard
played out. These generally include
running a marathon (grueling it constantly in response to my now seemingly silly questions (Working water? Which seat on the
training, almost giving up, crossing
bus? Is it pasteurized?). But I was determined. I watched Syrian soap operas, played with children
the finish line), hiking Kilimanjaro
(again, grueling training and almost at the Palestinian refugee center, and attended church with my devout host grandmother. Slowly,
giving up, reaching the summit), I acquired the language as well as the ability to cross comfortably between Jordan’s numerous
and Americans studying abroad.
The study abroad story usually cultures.
starts with someone feeling out
of sorts, then finally acclimating
and loving the experience. But
Yet, I never really understood Jordan’s inconsistent water supply, empty rows of supermarket
the guidance to avoid such stories shelves, or missing brand-name medicines. I could cope temporarily, but my new family and
should not be followed blindly!
friends had to live with this unpredictability. There had to be a fix. I left Jordan with a nuanced
David’s time in Jordan was so
influential, it would have been a regional understanding, compassion for those around me, and independence from my comfortable
disservice to his application not to
childhood. More than anything, though, I left with a deep desire not only to study, but also to fix the
mention it. For one, his choice was
distinctly different from the more systems underlying this constant disorder. 4
typical semester in, say, London
or even Hong Kong. In addition,
his realization of the frictions in I’d always assumed I would find a solution in academia and continued to research problems such
everyday Jordanian life shaped his as income inequality and unemployment. Yet, my satisfaction was as limited as my impact. A
focus and career from that point
on. We would not fully understand summer at Consultants & Co. revealed a new path to tangible results: via the business world. Since
David’s ultimate career interests joining full time, I’ve vaulted into a world where the exact systems that had piqued my interest—the
had he not shared his story of
studying in Jordan.
networks and systems underlying the economy and society—were reeling from a new age of digital

networks, analytics, and change. Companies in the United States, not just Jordan, needed help
addressing unpredictable network failures and harnessing technology and innovation to provide
better service.
I’ve found that I can drive rapid and concrete improvements by helping companies re-invent
themselves through their supply chain. In one instance, a global chemicals firm acquired two
smaller competitors, and Consultants & Co. was hired to find post-merger savings opportunities.
I inspected their supply chain network’s rail, truck, and shipping data. Near empty railroad cars
particularly caught my eye. Why not stack sacks to fill the cars to save expenses? “Because we can’t
stack,” they said—flammable, finely granulated chemicals. I knew little about the industry, but
“can’t” motivated me to further investigate. I suspected that if our railcars had specialized shelving,
we could stack. After finding several companies with customized railcars and creating computer
5 Remember that HBS seeks
simulations of the new rail network, I had the proof our client needed. 5 I sketched the design, candidates with Analytical Aptitude
previewed a near-by production site with a rail track, and crafted a pilot plan, ultimately convincing and Appetite, but demonstrating
such traits in an essay can be
the client that custom-made rail-racks were worth trying. The result: cost reductions of 70%,
challenging, especially if the
consolidated deliveries, and customers pleased with faster shipments. problems you face are complex in
nature. David breaks this situation
down to the core issue and then
Consultants & Co. hasn’t been the only avenue to leverage my penchant for trying to solve “network”
explains both his thinking and
problems. Invigorated by my challenging and introspective time as a studying and debating his ultimate solution. In doing so,
race, privilege, and poverty at the 3-week, intense “Together Symposium – Future Leaders” in he emphasizes his intellectual
qualifications without ever
Johannesburg, I embarked on a mission to create a similar experience for others. Focusing on
explicitly mentioning them.
the racial division in Memphis, I planned a civil rights bus tour, found two partner churches,
recruited adult Sunday school members, and brainstormed an itinerary with stops in our own
town of Memphis but also in Little Rock and Birmingham. The participants’ comments showed the
disconnect among members of different racial and economic backgrounds: “Only 45 years ago...so
much has changed!” said white participants, and “Really? Look at how little has changed....” from
the African-American ones. Yet, after three days on a bus talking about sons, daughters, and aging
parents, new friendships bonded once-strangers. Seeing the relationships that formed and the
power of the experience, one of the participating churches began offering regular racial dialogue
retreats and youth bus tours as a result.
My path to networks and supply chain started inconspicuously, but I’m energized by what I’ve
discovered, what I’ve done, and what more I can do. After HBS, I plan to return to Consultants &
Co. to develop as a manager in supply chain in logistics. Then, I’ll set my sights on positions such
as Transportation Program Manager at Amazon. Long term, I aspire to be the Chief Operations
or Analytics officer for a Fortune 1,000 company. In these positions, I will accomplish my goal of
moving innovative companies toward interconnected global supply chains that not only provide
business value but also change lives with a new level of service, reliability, and speed.

Thomas: Straight to the Point!
We very much appreciate that this applicant submitted his essay because everything he did runs
contrary to our usual advice, yet he was accepted to HBS! Therein lies a lesson for us all. As we
say often, MBA admissions committees admit people, not essays. We of course believe that you
should do whatever you can to maximize your essay’s impact, but the schools also have your
short answers, recommendations, resume, and, in some cases, your interview to flesh out a more
complete picture of who you are and what you can offer. So, even though this applicant’s essay
is much shorter than our suggested minimum for HBS, he “tells” rather than “shows” his story,
and he leaves many questions unanswered about his purpose and goals, the results speak for
themselves—he got in. Good for him! The narrative is inarguably straightforward, but we still learn
a great deal about the candidate: he is a scientist, immigrant, entrepreneur, first-generation college
graduate, environmental innovator (he developed a biodegradable polymer!), PhD, mentor to
other first-generation college students, and dutiful son. The admissions reader might have enjoyed
the opportunity to learn even more, but HBS clearly got the information it needed. The applicant
offers a unique mix of life experiences that suggests he could add a great deal to the class and has
remarkable potential going forward. He rests his case in a mere 514 words. Maybe we should rest
ours now, too?
By Jeremy Shinewald

1 The applicant starts by frankly

I am a scientist at heart, with the scrappiness and curiosity of an entrepreneur. 1 My interest in stating his primary attributes,
science and engineering began at an early age in my home country where I worked with my dad showcasing their uniqueness. The
MBA applicant pool includes few
every Saturday afternoon to repair our family’s car. I vividly remember learning to use tools that
scientists and entrepreneurs, and
my dad had carefully modified to repair components that I had never seen before. I gained a true he alerts the admissions reader to
appreciation for the craftsmanship of thousands of parts perfectly fitting together and working in his distinctiveness right away.
concert for a specific purpose even as I mentally designed more efficient solutions to the challenges
that I observed. This experience cemented my curiosity for understanding details, for examining
and questioning how and why things work with the utmost rigor and perfection. It motivated me
to be the first person in my family to pursue a college degree. During my undergraduate years
I studied hard to understand the mechanisms behind of how ideas turn into ventures, and my
2 Filling in some details of
passion for innovation ultimately drew me to entrepreneurship. For my senior project, I developed a how this applicant thrived as a
biodegradable polymer that dramatically reduces occupational hazards. 2 first-generation college student
would make his essay even more
appealing. He very much lived the
Working on cars with my father also inspired my sense of adventure and willingness to try American dream, and such stories
new ideas. After graduating from college, I started a business venture where I commercialized resonate with admissions readers.
polymeric products. 3 Similar to when I repaired unfamiliar components of my family’s car, this
3 This is a significant
enterprise taught me how to make decisions in uncertain and ambiguous environments while accomplishment, and the applicant
leading research and product development and a team of nine people. I developed tenacity and has a huge opportunity here to
expound on the experience. As
persistence, and I learned to lead by example as I connected with people on a personal level,
we have noted, he was ultimately
creating empathy by fighting by their side through tough moments. successful in gaining acceptance
to HBS, but the reader is left eager
to learn more and to “relive” this
My childhood memories also gave me an appreciation for having a strong work ethic. No matter
success with the candidate. We are
how mundane the problem I was eager to devote as much time as needed to solve it. This lesson also left wondering what ultimately
would prove useful when I enrolled in a PhD program. As the only person from my high school class happened to the company. Was it
acquired? Closed? And what did he
attending a competitive graduate program in the US, I realized that the time spent reasoning out
learn from that?
mechanisms and fitting parts that once seemed meaningless had in fact given me the courage and
determination to complete the program despite the hurdles I encountered.
4 The “full circle” nature of this
applicant now giving back to his
Grateful for the opportunities that have enriched my development, I also make a point to give community is appealing and reveals
his humility, though we would love
back and provide others with the same eye-opening experiences that I have been offered in life.
to learn more here about his impact
Mentoring first-generation college students like myself takes a different meaning when I know that I on these individuals. Nevertheless,
can expand the opportunities to others and be a guide by sharing my own experiences. 4 he obviously provided sufficient
information for HBS!
As I look forward I see a myriad of paths to explore and opportunities to learn from. I am excited 5 This applicant never mentions
HBS or why he wants to attend
to find new challenges to conquer and creative alternatives to solve them. When I look back I am
the school. And this is clearly not
thankful for the nontraditional path that I have taken and for the afternoons that I spent with my a problem, given the successful
father because those memories have shaped who I am today and will define where I will ultimately outcome of his application. He
stands as proof that candidates do
go. 5
not have to address “why HBS” or
their professional aspirations in
their essay to be accepted.

Sylvie: Scrap Your Old Plan
Within this essay about a female applicant’s journey to acceptance in a male-dominated family
business, we learn far more about her than about the business itself. The candidate is able to share
an honest depiction of her family, choosing to explore its history of chauvinism but using this
negative characteristic as a way of revealing her own positive ones: tenacity, maturity, passion.
Further, in demonstrating how she was able to change others’ minds, the applicant reveals that she
is ready to navigate the challenging path toward her goals and is not one to merely “slide” into a
cushy leadership position in her family’s business. Because she has a true (and well tested) passion
for this business, her sincerity of purpose indicates that she will be a committed professional for the
long haul. She shows that she has not only a great leadership opportunity before her but also the
innate qualities needed to succeed in it—a combination admissions committees find appealing.
By Jeremy Shinewald

1 When discussing family
background, applicants need to
Most people today would probably assume that the days of patrilineage are over in our society. My be careful to quickly move from
discussing others to discussing
own father, however, has somehow remained largely oblivious to this change. About 14 years ago,
themselves. As an admissions
he replaced my grandfather as CEO of the family scrap metal business, and my father soon became officer once told me, “We are not
determined to install my brother, the oldest of my three siblings, in the position next. The only accepting your grandfather. We are
accepting you!” Here, the writer is
problem was... my brother has literally zero interest in metal recycling. Instead, he loves surfing and
establishing the patrilineage theme
moved to Australia years ago to open a surf shop on a remote beach. I don’t think you could find a with anecdotes, and it works well,
happier, more professionally satisfied individual than my brother, yet my father continued to hope but she should be aware of the risk
of overdoing it with history!
that he’d return one day, eager to shake the sand out of his shoes and join the scrap metal world.
Despite my father having three bright and motivated daughters, his Plan B consisted entirely of
2 Here, the candidate keeps the
begging my brother to reconsider, rather than entertaining the idea of passing the torch to one of us! focus on the central theme and
her enthusiasm for it, rather than
trying to impress the admissions
To be fair, my two sisters never showed any real interest in making a career out of scrap metal. My
committee with the paper’s fancy
older sister became a lawyer and maintains a successful family law practice. My younger sister is a title.
social worker and finds real fulfillment in helping asylum seekers navigate the social safety net. 1
3 By showing that she has
As for me, though, I was always intrigued by my father’s work and thought the world of reclaimed thoughtfully considered other
metal sounded excitingly gritty, intense, and challenging. Although my brother could have simply career options along the way, the
applicant reveals a deeper sense
strolled into a leadership role with the business, had he wanted to, my path to the same position
of purpose than simply wanting a
would have to be more like a strenuous hike. Determined to make myself a worthy contender in my position in her family’s business.
father’s eyes, I took my first crucial steps in college. She has weighed alternatives and
still finds herself drawn to her
original choice.
At the University of Illinois, I studied materials science and engineering and soon found a valuable
mentor in Dr. Carol Kahn. In my sophomore year, she invited me into her research group and
4 Do not shy away from speaking
gave me the opportunity to be a research assistant on several of her published papers. Seeing my in the first person this way
name listed for the first time as an author on such a paper (the title is so arcane, I’ll oversimplify and essentially addressing
the admissions reader directly
it as “defects in copper”) 2 literally left me speechless. I sent a copy to my father, but he never
(“I should note”), if doing so
mentioned it. Nevertheless, I found myself enjoying my field of study so much that I began to sounds natural in context. The
consider abandoning my original goal of joining the family business in favor of pursuing a PhD— conversational tone this phrase
lends to the essay helps convey
and Dr. Kahn was deeply encouraging. 3 Still, because I wanted to learn more about professional
a sense of the candidate’s
applications of our work, I took an internship the summer before my junior year with Arlington- personality.
Skokie, a regional scrap metal recycling firm. When I called my father to tell him about my
5 By including specific, authentic,
upcoming internship, he seemed genuinely surprised and more than a little confused. “Why are personal details like this, the
you...?” he asked, followed by a long pause. “I didn’t realize you were...” I awkwardly waited for him candidate is painting a fuller,
perhaps more relatable, picture of
to continue, hopeful he might suggest an internship with the family business instead, but he got
her relationship with her
another call and had to hang up. father in a way that is more
compelling and effective than
simply stating that she and her
I should note that 4 my father and I have always been remarkably close. We’ve attended countless
father are close. And the light-
Red Sox games together, share dozens of silly insider jokes based on the ’80s comedies we’d watch ad hearted nature of the statement
nauseam, 5 and have gone on many long—and highly competitive—bike rides together over the years. gives the admissions reader an
impression of the applicant’s
I cannot say for sure why the topic of my interest in the family business was one we couldn’t seem
character.

to discuss, though I think we both deserve some of the blame. Perhaps I was too stubborn to say it
outright and wanted him to approach me instead. Perhaps I was fearful he would reject the idea.
6 Here, the applicant breaks from
the narrative structure, which Maybe he just never considered it an option. Maybe he was scared I would be the one to say no? 6
is totally acceptable. By posing
these theories this way, the
When my dad called me back a few days later, he finally broached the subject: “Are you actually
candidate is indirectly addressing
and answering questions the interested in metal recycling?” “Of course!” I replied. “I’m studying metallurgical engineering, after
admissions reader might naturally all!” A light bulb seemed to go off. He sounded kind of wistful as he explained that he had never
have as to why she did not simply
considered I might want to do what he did—not because he didn’t think I was capable, but because
ask her father outright to be
included in the family business. the work was often, he felt, rather dull, and it was such a male-dominated industry. He said he had
And the shift in writing style adds not had a woman on his team (aside from receptionists) in three years! I informed him that I had
freshness to the flow of the essay.
several female classmates in my major and encouraged him to start considering and hiring more
women. I added that I didn’t find the field dull at all. I now understood the alchemy of scrap metal
7 At mbaMission, we generally
recommend that any acronyms/ recycling in highly scientific ways and was excited about my internship because it would give me
abbreviations be written out at first firsthand experience in this highly competitive market. Still sounding rather perplexed, he said he
use, to avoid the possibility of the
was proud of me and looked forward to hearing about my work with Arlington-Skokie.
admissions reader being unfamiliar
with the shortened form and
thereby missing some important That summer, I didn’t even apply my academic training. I was tasked with projects that generally
information. Because ROI
centered on efficient metal processing and studying the ROI 7 on specific investments the firm
(return on investment) is a rather
ubiquitous term, the admissions was making in car crushers. As I learned about the business from the inside, I felt conflicted. I
reader in this case will most likely saw where investments were being made and what was truly working and what was not—and this
understand it, but being as clear as
was one of my family’s competitors. I even went to HR to remind them of this potential conflict
possible is always advisable, just
in case. of interest, as I had originally done in my interview, but they seemed not to mind, noting that
metal recycling is capital intensive and highly regional. They simply didn’t view our firm, located
hundreds of miles away, as a competitive threat. I was invited to return to Arlington-Skokie for the
8 By discussing the success she
achieved in this industry elsewhere, summer before my senior year and even offered a full-time position upon graduation. 8 Meantime,
the applicant offers evidence that my father and I kept a dialogue going, and during my senior year, he began to solicit my opinion on
she is qualified and a good fit for
investment decisions. He also made a concerted effort to bring more women on board, filling two
the role she seeks with her family’s
business. She is not relying on vacancies in sales and one in the factory. Progress on many fronts.
her family relationship to be the
foundation or reason for being
As graduation loomed, I knew I needed to push the conversation forward. I called my father and
brought into the company.
bluntly laid my cards on the table: “Dad, what I really want is to join the family business.” This time,
my father was surprised in a totally different way: “Yeah, I know. Why do you think I have been
running hiring and investment decisions by you?” We both laughed. After that, we arranged several
strategic family meetings, looping my sisters and brother in by phone, and together devised a plan
9 The applicant demonstrates
maturity and business savvy in we could get behind as a family. 9 With input from a family transition consultant recommended
showing that she can proactively by our financial planner, we established that I would work or study in a related field for five years
manage family business concerns.
before making the leap.
At the same time, she implicitly
conveys that she could bring these
types of issues to the fore in the Now, I am finishing my third year at Arlington-Skokie, where I started as an internal consultant,
classroom.
managing pet projects for the COO. I was promoted to run the second smallest of the company’s
recycling facilities and increased its machine utilization by 20%. I then transitioned to the
decommissioning arm, where I managed teams that performed asset recovery (for recycling) in

decommissioned factories. In this time, I have gained a breadth of experience that would not have
been possible at our family firm (especially considering we have no decommissioning arm). I have
benefited immensely from seeing how a larger and more sophisticated company has navigated
and grown in this space. I have a vision for what our family business might become—how it might
make shrewd investments in infrastructure to gain greater scale, reduce operating costs, and
vertically integrate via demolition to enhance our capabilities. An MBA will allow me to develop
the additional skills and expertise I’ll need to steer our family business toward these goals. Post-
MBA, I will lead our corporate strategy and start to make the investments that will define our
future. Within a decade, I will assume the mantle, moving into the role of president while my father
10 The applicant’s explanation
transitions to chairman. 10 of her long-term post-MBA plans
here is entirely relevant to her
story, even though HBS has not
I expect to one day have a family of my own. I will encourage my children and grandchildren to
explicitly asked her to include this
pursue whatever interests are true to their hearts. If any, male or female, are drawn to the family information. She is pursuing her
business, I will be open-minded and encouraging. Meantime, my aim is to continue growing it so MBA as part of her path to join her
family’s business, so she should
that the opportunity will be ready and waiting.
very much have a vision for that
future.

Jerome: Bringing Outer Space Back Down
to Earth
And the prize for shortest HBS essay in this guide goes to Jerome! Alongside the number of HBS
essays in this book that exceed 1,000 words, Jerome’s is noticeably brief, at less than 500. Every
decision in the application essay process involves a trade-off, and as you will see, in some areas, we
wish Jerome had made different ones and added more anecdotes or additional examples to better
prove his case. But perhaps he was confident that his resume, letters of recommendation, and
answers to the online application questions would sufficiently fill in any blanks for the admissions
committee—and clearly, they did, given the school’s decision to accept him. Or maybe Jerome
simply took HBS’s question at face value (as we encourage all applicants to do!) and determined
that he wanted the school to understand the rationale behind his goal of reducing inequality
through advancements in aerospace and stayed disciplined enough not to lose his focus.
Given its brevity, Jerome’s essay also challenges the preconception of engineers as being too
“in the details.” HBS seeks leaders who can rise above the particulars and lead, and the length
of Jerome’s essay implies that he is capable of prioritizing what is key and not losing sight of the
question at hand—without his ever directly mentioning such skills. All of this is to say, a successful
essay is not just about using specific words; it must serve as a reflection of who you are. Jerome’s
courageous goal, presented in a short, straightforward essay, underscores the strength of his
conviction.
By Liza Weale

1 This opening works well because
for the Harvard Business School MBA program? (Word count: 495) it leverages a common reference
to quickly communicate Jerome’s
upbringing. Wall Street tends
Growing up in Berkeley and the Bay Area in the 90s, I was constantly surrounded by the notion that
to evoke images of competitive
the most enlightened and selfless way to live your life was to invest your time in making the world financiers, while the Bay Area
a better place. 1 However, actionable plans to create change were often lacking in practice. What generally evokes images of social
activists.
did “making the world a better place” really look like? Should I focus on feeding the hungry? Ending
wars? Reducing humanities’ impact on climate change? Yes, I thought to myself. All of these changes
would make the world a better place. But how could I—Jerome—take action to spur such changes?
2 Most people do not likely think

It was not until fairly recently that I gained clarity on how I could achieve broader impact after “social good” when they hear the
listening to a recording of one of my role models, Bill Gates, from a Harvard Commencement speech word “aerospace.” Jerome has a
lofty goal, and we certainly hope
he gave in 2007. A specific statement he made resonated with me:
that he achieves it, yet we would
like to see a little more detail as
“Humanity’s greatest advances are not in its discoveries, but in how those discoveries are applied to to how he expects to bring this
vision to life. Is he thinking about
reduce inequity.”
drone taxis—supersonic, low-cost
jets to help get people from Point
When I heard those words, I realized that the single best way that I could contribute to the world was A to Point B? Or something else
entirely? Because he has such
by finding applications for my engineering skills to create positive impact. I am not interested in
a unique vision, Jerome has an
performing research simply for the sake of discovering the unknown, or to lead a team in designing opportunity here to further delight
a non-essential product. Rather, I want to take meaningful scientific discoveries and combine them the admissions reader by sharing
some of the ways he sees aerospace
with the engineering process to challenge inequality.
bolstering equality.
Specifically, I believe that there is an opportunity for aerospace products to be much more accessible 3 This sentence shows Jerome’s
for a broader range of demographics. To date, the applications of aerospace have been drastically self-awareness and strategic
communication. The previous
geared towards developed economies and wealthier demographics. In the same manner that the
sentence is a jumble of technical
internet enabled immeasurably greater access to information, I envision a world with immeasurably terms and ideas, some of which
safer, more sustainable, and more economic options for physical mobility. 2 the admissions reader might
not be familiar with (I was not!).
But he clarifies that he offers the
My technical interests lie in engineering complex aerospace systems and in ensuring that the complicated list to showcase his
performance, functionality, and reliability of air vehicles are aligned with mission objectives. experience, which demonstrates
that he has the foundation an
Since completing my aerospace undergraduate education at Caltech, I have spent over three years
innovator needs to make aerospace
engineering complex, tightly coupled aerospace systems at RayHeed Dynamics. I have delivered on technology mainstream. That said,
projects in vehicle performance modeling, concept of operations development, system architecture we advise discretion when using
overly technical language in your
definition and requirement drafting, fault tree modeling, statistical reliability predictions, and
essays. By ensuring that anyone
verification and validation testing of system functionality. I share these details to highlight that I with a high school education can
have a broad range of aerospace systems engineering experience that forms the basis for my impact readily understand what you are
talking about, you will show the
objectives and that I am prepared and excited to engage in further exploration of these core content
admissions reader that in the HBS
areas. 3 classroom, where so much of the
learning is peer-to-peer, you will be
able to clearly communicate with
While the projects I have worked on at RayHeed Dynamics have been fruitful, I believe that
your classmates and not bog them
advancing in industry alone will not allow me to fully succeed with my ambitions. Developing myself down with too much industry-
into a world-class technical leader through Harvard’s MS/MBA program strikes me as the best path specific jargon.
forward in my journey to reduce global inequality through advancements in aerospace engineering.

Yvette: Chameleon of Leadership
Though the admissions process can feel opaque and mysterious, HBS is actually very open about
the three characteristics it most seeks in applicants contending for a seat in its next class. One
is a Habit of Leadership. (For the record, the other two are Analytical Aptitude and Appetite and
Engaged Community Citizenship.) In this essay, the applicant, Yvette, leaves little chance that HBS
will fail to recognize her leadership achievement. She shares five different vignettes, each centering
on how she has led—including leading by example, mentoring, leading when not an expert, leading
through initiative, and sharing knowledge. She learned early on, after picking herself up following
a serious college sports injury, that she would have to adapt herself to the situation at hand if she
was going to have the impact she desired. In fact, Yvette very directly communicates that she wants
HBS to know that she is versatile, and the range of stories she presents is intended to substantiate
that assertion. Also, she smartly includes situations that vary as much in context as they do in the
leadership style they necessitated. We learn about her involvement in volleyball in college, her
strategy role at Pepsi, her commitment to the community through the organization NYPACE, and
her willingness to help friends. This essay is straightforward and a good reminder that sometimes,
the most direct path can be an effective one.
By Jeremy Shinewald

I was never the strongest girl on my volleyball team. Outgunned by my teammates, I earned my spot
on our varsity squad and the respect of my teammates by being the nimblest defender on the team.
I leveraged every inch of my frame to protect our team from letting the ball sneak through. For 6
years, in high school and at Vassar, I was dogged about training and drilling and found my place
by leading by example. Yet, during my junior year of college, this role I’d earned ended abruptly.
I reinjured my knee, irreversibly this time. Even with 10–15 hours/wk of physical therapy, a knee
brace, and cortisone shots, I couldn’t jump or lunge or leap or dive the way my team needed me to. I
needed to pick myself up and find a new way to contribute to my team.
Although I could no longer play, I made it my mission to attend every practice. With my fresh
perspective from the sidelines, I noticed and coached my teammates through precise technical
improvements. I also started mentoring freshmen who were new to the daunting schedule of a
varsity athlete. This sudden break from competition, while emotionally difficult for me, led to me
finding a love for mentoring which I have continued to pursue professionally. While letting go of my
1 Here is an important tip for
identity as a competitor was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, this experience taught me that when you are approaching your
there are so many ways to be a leader. HBS essay: you should be able to
state your answer to the school’s
essay question (what more do you
What my resume doesn’t represent is my ability to assess new situations and adapt my leadership want HBS to know?) in a single,
role accordingly. 1 Even in situations that are not tailored to my traditional skillsets, I will always brief sentence. Doing so will keep
you from straying too far off topic,
find an opportunity to contribute and lead, whether it is bringing a new perspective or challenging
a common challenge given the
the original scope of a group’s mandate. open-ended nature of the prompt.
Yvette chooses to present her one-
sentence answer directly, signaling
For example, when the CTO of Pepsi asked my group for help, I found myself confronted with a
to the admissions reader what
new challenge. His goal was to surface new innovative projects for the IT department. With limited they should be on the lookout for
knowledge of the IT group, I knew the only way I’d be able to help lead the session was to first just in the rest of her essay. Explicitly
or implicitly communicating
listen. I got a better sense of the groups’ current projects, their bandwidth and budget constraints,
your thesis is largely a personal
and any anticipated impediments to innovation. This knowledge enabled me to create an agenda preference; the more important
focused on breaking down barriers and, using my knowledge of the broader organization, to issue is knowing what you want to
say, regardless of how you do it.
introduce areas of the business that could benefit from the IT group’s extensive expertise. Using
this agenda, I led 40 subject matter experts in an engaging discussion that resulted in six new IT
2 Yvette’s essay is on the lower end
projects. 2 Even though I was in the front of the room, my leadership role was not to come up with of the word count spectrum for
the actual ideas but instead to add a new perspective and guide the discussion. The session gave the HBS. This makes it a faster read,
but the curious side of me wants to
subject matter experts the tools to think in new and constructive ways and eventually come up with
know more about these IT projects.
new projects that will help Pepsi’s many businesses grow. Did Pepsi decide to implement new,
off-the-shelf project management
software? Did it launch company-
Similarly, I knew that the NYPACE Junior Board’s primary focus is to create a successful, premiere
sponsored Lean Six Sigma
fundraising event to help fund NYPACE’s mission of supporting local entrepreneurs from under- certification? Introduce smart
resourced communities with pro-bono consulting services and seed money. I understand and offices? Including such details can
help immerse the reader in your
appreciate the value of that marquee event; however, I wondered what else we could do. Trying
world.

to think from the perspective of these entrepreneurs, I envisioned how daunting it must be to
3 Whether intentionally or not,
Yvette has chosen a story that helps build a robust network. 3 Yes, NYPACE’s consulting teams were helping some, but the teams were
differentiate her from many in her temporary, while these entrepreneurs were trying to build something for the long term. I wanted to
peer set, and not just because
give them not only the funding and advice they deserved but also a better support system. Knowing
of her initiative. We often see
MBA applicants who sit on junior that Pepsi had sponsored a number of events at the Barclays Center, I convinced Pepsi HR to let me
boards of promising nonprofits, reach out to the Barclays Center and pitch an event on behalf of NYPACE. I subsequently planned a
just as Yvette does, and a common
special evening for 35 of our NYPACE entrepreneurs and their guests and our consulting teams to
requirement of the position is to
fundraise. While this participation mingle, get to know each other, and experience the Center’s renowned light show. The event was a
is critical, it is rather ubiquitous first step in making the entrepreneurs feel like they are part of a bigger ecosystem and since then,
and would therefore not do much
following my example, other Junior Board members have started planning similar events for the
to set you apart from otherwise
similar applicants. Yvette shows group.
a willingness to push beyond the
defined role and put herself in the
Being a leader is also about using my expertise to help others. After two years in his proofreading/
shoes of local entrepreneurs, then
creates an event to connect with copyediting role, my best friend’s little brother Julian felt undervalued and started contemplating
them more deeply. We are certainly a job switch but was nervous about the interview process. Even though he works in an entirely
not saying you should not join a
different industry, I knew I could help. I encouraged him to go after something great, reviewed and
board. But think of other ways you
could take action beyond the role’s gave him feedback on his resume and walked him through mock interviews. When he got the job
basic responsibilities and challenge of his dreams, I introduced him to the idea of comparables to help him negotiate him new salary.
yourself in unexpected ways.
Since then, I have helped Julian structure his pricing for an entrepreneurial venture he is starting
to build. To me, leadership is about using your expertise creatively and sharing knowledge with
4 Again, a small, unanswered
question arises. We can assume others. 4
Julian took the job, but… maybe
he did not? Taking a step away from
Since my injury in college six years ago, I’ve appreciated that there are many ways to lead and
your essay for a bit and coming
back to it later with fresh eyes can contribute to my professional and personal teams. At that time, I believed that being a leader meant
be helpful, so that you can read having all the answers but I’ve grown significantly and now realize that there is much more to
it objectively and fill in any small
leadership than that. Being a leader is about listening and being dynamic about which leadership
“holes.” We recommend that
applicants finish two weeks ahead tools to employ so that I can bring out the best in those around me.
of the deadline (easier said than
done!) to regain their objectivity
about their creative work.

Simon: Desk Job Naysayer
Over the course of this HBS essay, Simon discovers firsthand the wisdom of the adage “be careful
what you wish for.” His sense of invincibility might even border on arrogance (as he later all but
admits), and it is challenged when he finally faces the risk he had been craving. Simon’s new
responsibilities force him to exchange hubris for humility and a willingness to seek help from
others. This balance of traits makes Simon very likable; as we assert repeatedly this guide, both
HBS and the Stanford GSB want “real” people, flaws and all.
MBA programs also want leaders, and Simon proves his mettle as one when he confronts difficult
choices on an oil platform and champions a solution his supervisors had written off as impossible.
After receiving approval to move forward with his proposal, he again wrestles with uncertainty
when he must decide between achieving the timeline he had put forth for the project and redoing
a piece of work to protect against the “what ifs?” When Simon chooses the safer option (in light of
the lives and environmental security at stake), the reader recognizes how far he has come in his
professional growth.
As you read this essay, take note also of Simon’s underlying sense of humor. Incorporating humor
into a business school application essay is risky; you never know how the admissions reader will
react. But with this essay, we feel that Simon’s slightly dry, “call it what it is” voice is simply him
being true to himself. Moreover, the essay is peppered with only a few comic instances, so he
minimizes the risk (ironic, for Simon) of his humor working against him.
By Liza Weale

1 Are you a grammar purist or

a champion at GMAT Sentence I’ve always found taking risks to be exhilarating. In fact as a child, my bedroom door 1 had to be
Correction? If so, you probably locked from the outside to prevent my early morning adventures from expanding throughout the
spotted the misplaced modifier
house—a family affair, my brother only recently admitted his job was to let me out if there was a
here at the beginning of this
sentence. Yes, technically, this is fire. Years later, my mother’s sleep is still spotty as I routinely embark on backcountry skiing trips
a grammar mistake, but we draw and shark dives, still at the break of dawn.
attention to it merely to reassure
you that such errors will not lead
to a rejection. (Why would HBS It’s the same pursuit of excitement that drew me to energy and, more specifically, offshore drilling.
forego an excellent candidate such The calculations helped shine a light where before there had been only ambiguity and risk. Yet,
as Simon because of such a minor
these calculations could never be used to fully predict the impact of decisions. Offshore drilling is
issue? That would make no logical
sense!) Moreover, overly formal and constrained by people and by nature, and neither is tamed by calculations alone.
“correct” writing can sometimes
be cumbersome and verbose. Write
You can imagine then, that when I joined Oil Co. as a young, newly graduated engineer and settled
your story simply, as if you were
telling it to a peer. Doing so will into what turned out to be a safe desk job, I was slightly underwhelmed. I sat in an office and
rarely lead you astray. calculated our oil reserves. Anything I calculated and submitted was reviewed, recreated, and then
audited (for good measure). 2 While my manager Siri had continued to increase my responsibilities,
2 This is a good example of Simon’s
sense of humor. He uses sarcasm I was restless. After twelve months, I used my limited performance history as leverage to convince
to describe a process that he finds Siri to support me branching out into our Platform Operations group. I wanted to be on a platform
heavy-handed. He is in effect
in the middle of the sea where I’d be faced with real responsibility and real world risk. With a smile,
complaining about his job, which
could raise eyebrows, but his I traded my office chair for shift work, open water, and 40 direct reports.
witty tone makes his complaint
less irreverent. Moreover, the
Suddenly, I became responsible for a crew of machinery operators who looked at me like I should
exaggerated dullness of this job
serves as a foil for the excitement of know what to do. They were putting their trust in me to keep them safe. It was a shock. My work and
the role he soon steps into. my decisions meant something. It was what I’d wanted, but… what if I got them hurt? What if I got
them killed? How would I tell their families? I was uncertain about every decision I made.
I was out of my depth. During those first few months, I spoke with my father a lot despite him living
way up north in Minnesota. He always seemed to have a perfect anecdote from his time managing
a label factory (of all things) to steer me in the right direction. I also leaned heavily on those around
me with their hundreds of years of collective platform experience. I had so many questions that I
actively worked to share them amongst my peers and my supervisor evenly (so as not to annoy any
3 We mentioned Simon’s humility
in our introductory critique. one person in particular). Sam, who is now a good friend, was one of those lucky people. I routinely
Never does he say in this essay, ran my problems of the day by him, much to his bemusement. He’d chuckle and nod his head along
“I became humble.” Instead, we
agreeing with me, until I countered with a but what if this happens scenario. 3 Without missing
infer his growth based on his use
of “show, don’t tell.” He describes a beat, he’d counter with “So what? You’ll fix it.” With that type of guidance, I moved from one
how he doled out his questions decision to the next and kept moving forward.
carefully and how his coworker
Sam indulged Simon’s constant
inquiries. Showing your thoughts What I learned from my peers like Sam will never leave me: it’s often the lack of a decision, the
and actions, as well as the reactions paralysis, that’s more harmful than the decision itself. As I began to make choices (starting small) I
of those around you, is much more
realized that I could only do my best with the information I had and trust myself to fix anything that
effective (and believable!) than
telling the reader what to think.

went wrong. So what if I didn’t know how? I’d figure it out. As my knowledge grew, I was delighted
to find that my fellow leaders began to consult me in turn. I began to understand when it was
appropriate to take a risk, and what risks weren’t worth ever taking.
This approach was put to the test on the Drill 4 Project (D4P)—something that, by all accounts,
shouldn’t have been possible. In fact, that was my assignment when I started: evaluate and explain
to management, in simple terms, why D4P couldn’t be done. The only problem was, it could be done.
At least in my opinion.
So what was D4P? Well, our core drill was over 16 years old, but below the 25-year threshold for
a mandatory upgrade. Yet, there was a push to upgrade it now. The problem was that there was a
crack in it—not bad enough to cause any issues in theory, but enough to make management feel
overly exposed. To fix it was risky, requiring partial, carefully-timed shutdowns, a new drill shaft
and carryovers, all while ensuring that there was no oil leakage. If there was any leakage, Oil Co.
would incur exorbitant cleanup costs and serious regulatory penalties, even more so because of the
crack and management’s knowledge of it. D4P’s proposed timeline was 3 months.
That was the lynchpin for me: the timeline! It wasn’t possible, but seeing past the timeline to the
project’s core, it was solid, technically sound. If management was willing to accept 18 months to
execute, it could be done. I started by forming two design teams staffed with people I’d acquired
4 Although Simon’s scrappiness
through begging, and a bit of stealing. 4 Over the first few weeks, as I brought plans together and and initiative are not main themes
modified the original premises we were given (to give us flexibility), my manager Abe began to see in this essay, they are on full display
here. No one is one-dimensional!
the full picture. He went from pessimistically questioning the project to being one of its strongest
Be smart in your essays to reveal
champions. We were ultimately approved for $83M of spend over 18 months. other traits of yours, even if you are
not explicitly trying to emphasize
them. Simon does this effectively
I lived and breathed D4P. I was responsible for all strategic decisions, as well as day-to-day
throughout his essay.
execution. Our budget had been built on taking risks, stripping non-essential luxuries of more
expensive projects and relying on our team’s ability to adapt designs in the field.
I wish I could say that getting approval was the hardest part, but the hardest part (of course)
came months in. We’d worked on the new drill shaft, measuring and cutting it just so, but we’d
underestimated the water pressure and we weren’t confident it would hold; nature appeared to be
stronger than we’d expected.
As I stood on the half-redone platform, flanked by dozens of operators and specialized laborers
all looking on, I felt a twinge of indecision rise up. It would cost us millions and set us back on
our timeline, but the potential repercussions of not redoing the drill shaft and seeing it fail in the
future? This was a risk not worth taking. I made my decision: close it up and build it again.
Months later, as we christened the new drill, I felt incredibly proud. We were slightly behind
schedule on the 18-month project, but had only spent $78M of the $83M budget. Of course, I’ll never
know if we’d be okay now had I not made that decision to close up the shaft and start over. Maybe

we would have gotten D4P done faster and even cheaper. But, two years later, no one remembers
we were a few weeks late; they just remember the outcome. Our drill is sound and safe and has
provided billions of dollars in value to the operation.
There’s a difference between doing what shouldn’t be possible, and doing things you shouldn’t.
5 In this final paragraph, Simon
takes time to reflect on what the While taking risks is something I’ve always done, taking smart risks is something I’ve learned. 5 It’s
experience on the oil platform a skill I continue to build upon so that I can become a better leader—one that isn’t afraid to step into
taught him and how it changed
uncertain and hectic situations, in part because I’ve been there before. As I find new weaknesses,
him. Learning from our wins as
well as our losses is integral to our I seek to better equip myself with knowledge and skills so that I can continue to tackle challenging
development, at least as far as opportunities, and in doing so have a meaningful impact on the people and world around me.
business schools are concerned.
When you share a story in your
application essay, take care not to
skip the reflection step. Think of it
as the “so what?” element.

Andre: Taking the Long Route
HBS gets a significant number of applicants from family businesses, many of which are of a global
scale; what is important for these applicants, because of this abundance, is that they show they
have fortitude and heart. A mere whiff of entitlement would be enough for HBS to exclaim, “Next
file!” In this applicant, the admissions committee gets a future CEO and civic leader in a city where
the school likely has few alumni—somewhere new that HBS can plant its flag, so to speak. The
candidate paints a convincing picture of himself as someone who will roll up his sleeves and do the
hard work to become the significant business leader his essay promises. In some ways, his entire
essay is about grit and perseverance. He did not make the “easy” choice to join the family business
right after college but instead created his own path, learning all he could at another manufacturer
so he could later apply what he had learned at his family’s firm. Rather than take a vacation, he
elected to return to his family’s company and put some of his lessons to work, to great effect, early
on. He resolved to push himself to the top of Kilimanjaro despite suffering from hallucinations. He
decided to make the tough transition from industrials to banking so he could best contribute to
his family firm in that area. With all this evidence, we certainly get the sense that this applicant is
unafraid to face challenges head on!
Of note, with his essay at almost 1,500 words, this candidate is near what we feel is the limit for
HBS, though exceptions do exist, and some applicants with even longer essays get accepted.
We mention this essay’s length merely as food for thought and a word of caution. Also, we are
generally hesitant about using mountain climbing stories in application essays, but in this case, the
candidate’s Kilimanjaro experience works as a framing mechanism for revealing his will, rather than
being a shallow anecdote about an amateur mountaineer’s accomplishment. In discussing “high
altitude psychosis” and the oddities of hallucination to begin his essay, the applicant shows that his
is not a clichéd story of endurance. In his opening paragraph, he introduces the theme of honoring
his family and then builds on that theme in the second paragraph, effectively showcasing broader
values related to social impact, which are important for a family business heir who must exhibit a
sense of altruism (rather than selfishness).
By Jeremy Shinewald

High-altitude psychosis—that term went from meaningless to real the night before I was set
to climb to the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro, the world’s tallest free-standing mountain. I was
hallucinating due to extreme altitudes and saw my late mother sitting two feet away, smiling. She
was bald and skinny, the way she looked after my father brought her home from chemotherapy
sessions; she was happier than ever and spoke with positive and encouraging words, just how she
spoke when I last saw her 20 years prior. My mother’s image faded as I regained consciousness, and
was replaced by Paolo and Gustavo, my life-long friends, and Mane, our mountain guide, giving
1 As noted, including this story
of the applicant’s family trauma, me water and worriedly asking me questions. 1 The next day, sitting atop Kilimanjaro’s peak, I
while obviously unfortunate, serves felt proud of our success, stronger for overcoming unexpected physical and mental hurdles, and
to differentiate his Kilimanjaro
confidently ready for my next challenge. Through this transformational experience, I realized that
experience from the typical
climbing story. high-reaching goals enable the most growth. While climbing Kilimanjaro took three months of
training, achieving my life goal of becoming CEO of Cordoba Textil (CT) and turning it into one of
Latin America’s largest textiles companies will take me the rest of my life.
Today, CT is a 500-person manufacturer headquartered in Cordoba, Argentina. My father founded

CT in 1994, two years into my mother’s breast cancer diagnosis and right after his last business,
a housewares manufacturer, had gone bankrupt as he took time away to care for my mother in
her final years of life. Aside from its growth potential, CT is a living embodiment of my father’s
core values: mind, body, balance, and education. 100% of CT’s employees are college-educated or
technically trained and CT pays for the education of all its employees’ children. By participating
in the annual company-sponsored athletic tournaments, which emphasize personal wellness, I’ve
learned that creating a company is more than a way to make a living. It is also a way to infuse best
practices, values, and meaning into the community. This has inspired me to spearhead an initiative
that’s underway through the company to construct a Community Center in our most blighted
2 Family business applicants
face the burden of having to township, known as a “Villa Miseria.” My hope is to create more win-win solutions like this. 2 In CT,
demonstrate purpose and values. my father found purpose and a vehicle to positively channel his grief after my mother passed away,
HBS is unlikely to be wowed by
as he balanced being a great CEO with raising my brother and me alone. Hearing my father speak
the family business applicant who
talks exclusively about financial of these times, I feel he was climbing his own mountain, balancing the hardships of parenting and
opportunities! In sharing these entrepreneurship as a widower and single parent.
details, the candidate reveals an
important mission that he will
honor. The example he set pushed me to be the first in my family to study abroad, pursuing an industrial
engineering degree from the University of Illinois. For the first time, I became entirely accountable
for my actions and academic success. I rose to the challenge, developing self-discipline. I now
reminisce on my college years as the first big step in my journey of growth. “Pole Pole,” Mane would
tell us, which means “Slowly Slowly” in Swahili and was the saying I heard the most from the locals
in my six-day hike. Being deliberate but persistent is the key to success on the mountain and in life,
they said. I knew I must focus on the climb—my next step, or first job—while keeping my ultimate
goal of reaching the peak—becoming CEO of CT—in mind.

I focused on my next step: working for a top-tier manufacturing company to learn best practices
of running this type of business. After intense networking, interviews, and navigating the visa
process, I was thrilled to receive an offer for the leadership rotation program at a multibillion-
dollar global adhesives manufacturer. There, I travelled to factories in over 20 countries across 4
continents, implementing operational best practices. From leading a group of technical experts
to establish a Color Reproducibility System in Norway, to listening to the advice of the humblest
machine operator in Guangzhou, I grasped the effects of globalization, yet learned how different
socioeconomic backgrounds and individual values impacted each facility’s culture. By comparing
the manufacturing operations of this global behemoth to our operations back in Argentina,
I realized that CT’s operations were very informal and less professionalized. Consequently, I
convinced my father to allow me to work in CT’s main facility for 20 days during my next vacation.
During this time, I led multiple Kaizen events with the machine operators where we brainstormed
several ideas to change old habits in the set-up process for three mission-critical machines and
developed new standard operating procedures. I felt proud when the new standardized and
sustainable processes resulted in +30% reduction of scrap and set-up times and over $500k in annual
costs savings.
During my two manufacturing rotations and my advisory experience at CT, I gained a 360° view of
the risks and rewards of operating a B2B manufacturer. However, interacting with highly qualified
plant managers made me realize that to succeed, a well-rounded leader must be both operationally
and financially savvy. Following almost three years of manufacturing experience, I decided, against
all advice, to navigate an extremely competitive and non-traditional career change to investment
banking, to gain the financial skills I was seeking. Capitalizing on living in New York, I contacted
as many banker friends and acquaintances to seek any advice or networking opportunity out there.
My efforts paid off when I received an offer from UBS, a firm that also aligned with my values,
interests, and aspirations. Today, this transition reminds me of the three months I spent training
prior to traveling to Tanzania for my Kilimanjaro hike. Nearly everyone told me that we wouldn’t be
able to reach the peak. As in life, the bigger you dream, the more people will try to stifle you down.
3 Now that the mountain
Those doubts gave me extra motivation. I believed in myself and pushed on. 3 climbing metaphor has been well
established, the applicant could
reduce his callbacks to it and
Without any real finance experience (the first time I ever looked at a financial statement was one
consider making a direct transition
week into the job), I faced a steep but fulfilling learning curve at UBS. 4 Since then, I’ve learned how into the next paragraph, but the
large companies in Latin America scale their business through debt issuance, equity offerings and admissions committee is not
interested in critiquing candidates’
M&A. I now understand the hurdles involved with securing financing in the region, and today, I
exposition. The school wants to
advise corporations and government institutions to raise billions of dollars in debt capital to grow, understand its applicants’ values,
while frequently working with and learning from the C-suite. My time at UBS has also taught me and this essay is successful in
providing that kind of information.
how to analyze industries at a macro level. Therefore, I’ve studied the textile industry in Latin
America and learned that it is highly fragmented, with opportunity for a market leader to emerge
4 Humility is always a welcome
and consolidate the industry. While at UBS, I’ve learned that experience is not most important to trait. HBS wants to know whether
success, desire is. The thing is, before Kilimanjaro, I had zero hiking experience and advanced its applicants are capable of honest
self-reflection and growth, and this
climbers told me to postpone my trip. In most cases, they would be right, but my desire was strong;
sentence clearly illustrates that the
mixing that with learning and preparation, I knew I could rise to the challenge. candidate is.

After six years of contrasting but complementary professional endeavors, I now envision a clear
path towards eventually returning and leading CT into its next chapter of growth—the same
sensation I felt on day two of the Kilimanjaro climb, when after a storm cleared the skies, I could
see the peak of the mountain for the first time. Nevertheless, I understand that there is still a long
way to my career goal, and that I must push forward step by step, “Pole Pole.” Today, I lack the
experience of analyzing, acquiring, and integrating companies to grow inorganically, as well as the
ability to manage hundreds of employees. After business school, I will have the tools to become the
well-rounded leader CT needs.
While hiking the mountain, I faced many highs and lows, but having Paolo’s and Gustavo’s support,
especially in those moments when I could barely walk and breathe, was critical. I never forget the
people that have encouraged me throughout life, and at HBS, I will continue my habit of making
friends for life. With a fortified network of business partners and mentors, I will share my life
5 Here, the applicant refers to
his HBS expectations but avoids experiences and seek their advice on how to consolidate an industry and grow a company. 5
going too far down the rabbit hole
and actually naming courses and
What I want you to know is that CT is my ultimate vehicle for living a meaningful life. I see it as
listing institutes. In some cases, an
approach like that could work, but a way of inheriting my father’s legacy, of filling a void after my mother’s passing, of bringing my
making a huge shift from a story family’s business to new heights, and of bringing societal transformation to Argentina and Latin
about grit to a lengthy exposition
America through our company’s values and DNA. HBS will prepare me to summit my eternal
on “why HBS” is unlikely to be
successful. Kilimanjaro climb: converting CT into Latin America’s largest textile company, while enabling its
employees to also live meaningful lives.

Sara: The Unstoppable Force Within
In this essay, we meet Sara, who has a strong sense of self and is cognizant of her own
determination and work ethic. Parts of her essay contradict some of the advice I often give
applicants, including “Show, don’t tell!” and “Avoid adverbs and idioms!” Yet Sara is very clear in
what she hopes the HBS admissions reader will take away from her essay (she even states it in her
very first sentence!) and effectively argues her case, tying together different stories of triumph from
her past. While the critic in me might have pushed her to be less direct at times, I am nevertheless
drawn in by her perseverance and focus. Moreover, I appreciate that she gives us a sense of who she
is as a person—the admiration she has for her mother, the joy she feels on the basketball court, and
her desire to always step up. This additional color further convinces us that Sara is someone worth
betting on.
You will see that Sara spends more than a quarter of her essay explaining how HBS will enable her
to reach her goals of leading growth initiatives at a tech start-up and of one day founding her own
venture. Although no candidate gains admission to HBS on their adoration for the school alone
(many essays in this guide totally forego mentioning HBS at all!), by including an explanation for
“why HBS” in her already compelling essay, this applicant gives the school a final bit of confidence
that she is undeniably serious about its program.
By Liza Weale

My life experiences have been transformed immeasurably by my ability to perceive challenges

1 Sara could have jumped
immediately into her narrative and as opportunities and excel in the face of adversity. 1 This was exhibited most clearly after
let the reader deduce what more a particularly devastating revelation by my doctor in my junior year of college. I was in an
she wanted HBS to know. How
inexplicable state of consternation as my doctor suggested I undergo a fasciotomy—a highly
you begin your essay is a matter
of personal preference, but even if invasive surgery that required me to have my legs cut open in four places. Intended to address
you are not as direct as Sara, you exertional compartment syndrome, a rare and poorly understood muscle and nerve condition that
should know your answer before
left me with debilitating leg pains, the surgery was highly controversial given its mixed success
you do any writing. If you cannot
answer for yourself what more you rate. Nevertheless, my symptoms made it extremely difficult to sprint, pivot and jump and I was
want the school to know, how can determined to return to basketball, the sport that had been a tremendous source of fulfillment
you expect the school to know what
in my early college years. As I stared blankly at the wall, still seething with emotion, I decided to
to take away from your essay?
proceed with the surgery. 2
2 This phrase stands out in this
paragraph because of its simplicity.
In recovery, I worked diligently to regain my strength by increasing the breadth and intensity of my
We have all had moments when
we felt stuck and overwhelmed, workouts and refining my sprinting technique. Thanks to these efforts, coupled with those of my
looking for a solution but finding doctor, I fully recovered, becoming the most valuable player on the team and scoring the most shots
none, so Sara’s story is relatable.
I had ever made in my four years as a varsity athlete. My ability to overcome what initially appeared
(This is therefore a good example
of “show, don’t tell.” Her statement to be an insurmountable athletic injury is exemplary of the unyielding spirit of resilience that has
evokes the helplessness, been a vital fabric of my personal and professional life.
frustration, and uncertainty she
must have felt when considering
her options, even though she never I inherited this spirit from my mother, who is undoubtedly one of the most resilient women I know.
explicitly mentions any of these An undocumented immigrant who overcame significant financial constraints in pursuit of her
sentiments.)
academic and professional goals, my mother has been a constant source of inspiration throughout
my life. After emigrating from Guatemala to the United States, my family settled in the South Bronx
3 Sara credits her drive to her
mother, and the reader gets the neighborhood in New York City, a neighborhood afflicted with rampant drug usage and violent
sense that her home felt like a safe crime. By the age of nine, I had grown awfully familiar with the sounds of shootings and police
oasis, one in which education and
sirens that frequently ripped through the neighborhood. However, despite the horrors that unfolded
academic pursuit were prized.
Applicants often express surprise around us, my mother stressed the importance of education in transforming our lives. 3 Inspired
at the idea that their childhood is by her fervent determination to succeed, I developed a thirst for knowledge and the conviction that
something worth discussing in their
through education, I could triumph in the face of any struggle.
business school essay. “It was so
long ago. Why would the admissions
committee care?” The truth is, we My journey to achieving academic success became the first testament to this. After I performed
are shaped by our upbringing, as
poorly on statewide examinations in the third grade, my mother enrolled me in an educational
Sara was shaped by her mother’s
determination. As with many of program that taught me the core verbal and quantitative concepts essential to academic success.
the decisions you will make for Through this program, I blossomed, developing the work ethic and discipline that was crucial
your application, whether or not
to realizing my academic potential. Despite the setbacks I faced early in my childhood, I gained
to include elements from your
childhood in your essay depends on entrance to the highly competitive Stuyvesant High School.
you, your story, and how essential
such details are in understanding
The resolve that underscored my academic and athletic experiences was instrumental as I
you as a candidate—but know that
choosing to include such elements embarked on my professional career at Jefferies. After two of my supervisors left the firm within
is far from an anomaly.

a six-month time frame, I seized the opportunity to make a significant impact without direct
assistance from seasoned finance professionals. I was excited to lead the integration of financial
processes for company acquisitions, actions vital to maximizing synergies after the acquisition
of target companies. Thus, in spite of the challenges that emerged during my time at Jefferies, I
relished the opportunity to assume greater responsibilities and lead in the face of abrupt changes at
the firm. Establishing a career defined by lasting impact is extremely important to me and remains
a tremendous source of motivation as I pursue my professional endeavors.
The unyielding spirit of resilience that has characterized my academic, athletic, and professional
experiences has shaped and broadened my perspective, allowing me to bravely confront challenges
4 Note that by declaring her
and drive impact in new and unfamiliar environments. 4 While performing due diligence on comfort in “new and unfamiliar
company acquisitions as a Strategy & Corporate Development professional, I have become intrigued environments,” Sara is subtly
beginning to build her case for
by companies that employ innovative technology to address consumer needs. This exposure to
her ability to transition into
creative leadership has strengthened my desire to lead growth initiatives at an emerging technology entrepreneurship, her post-MBA
enterprise and ultimately launch a consumer-facing, technology-based venture. At this critical goal. Schools look for many traits
in aspiring entrepreneurs, and
juncture in my career, a Harvard MBA is pivotal in positioning me for professional success.
tenacity and dealing with ambiguity
are two front-runners.
Harvard’s array of academic and extracurricular offerings will equip me with the analytical
acumen, global perspectives, and requisite leadership skills that are crucial to leading growth
initiatives at a global technology enterprise. Harvard’s required curriculum provides a highly
analytical approach to the strategic decision-making process, which will empower me to
evaluate theoretical assumptions and develop hypotheses in a rigorous business setting. I will
actively contribute to course discussions, sharing my experiences supporting diverse company
acquisitions while engaging with my classmates to draw conclusions about complex business
5 I appreciate that Sara mentions
issues. 5 Furthermore, the elective curriculum will enable me to take courses specifically tailored how she will contribute to HBS
to my career goals. Courses such as Business Analysis and Valuation Using Financial Statements and (though I would have likely
suggested she be even more
Strategy and Technology will strengthen my knowledge of the valuation techniques employed to
specific). Remember that
evaluate strategic transactions and provide a paradigm to analyze the strategic drivers of growth in throughout this process, the
technology-based industries. admissions committee is trying

to assess what you will add to the
classroom. Being forthright allows
Harvard’s extensive entrepreneurship offerings and commitment to excellence in the technology you to more directly influence
sector will be invaluable as I pursue my entrepreneurial goals. The Early-Stage Feedback and the committee’s assessment and
demonstrates a sense of self-
Entrepreneur-in-Residence programs offered through the Rock Center for Entrepreneurship will
assuredness. Take this advice with
allow me to craft and refine my business ideas in collaboration with accomplished entrepreneurs some precaution, though; if you
and investors. Additionally, through Harvard’s Innovation Lab, I hope to engage with faculty take being forthright too far, you
run the risk of sounding arrogant
members and students from the broader Harvard community to obtain a cross-disciplinary
instead—a trait the schools are
perspective essential to further developing my business ideas. Ultimately, equipped with the decidedly not interested in.
wealth of resources that Harvard Business School provides, I am uniquely positioned to spearhead
innovation in the highly robust technology industry.

BRT: A Fish Leaps Out of Water (and into
HBS!)
“A fish out of water.” This applicant’s theme is anything but rare, but that is irrelevant because he
owns it consistently, proving that he is indeed a very adaptable fish. Candidates often strive to say
something “unique” and then try to fashion themselves and their experiences into something they
are not, but such attempts just do not hold up. This applicant’s theme holds up well because… it is
actually true! He had to learn English quickly to be able to apply to and then adapt at a US college;
then, in college, he pushed himself to debate in his new language; next, he volunteered for and
trained with a foreign country’s military. After that… well, you can see where this is going. He is not
simply claiming to be “a fish out of water” and struggling to convince the reader—he truly is, so his
theme is compelling.
Of course, the applicant’s wealth of accomplishments is also compelling, not to mention difficult
to emulate. We realize that as a candidate, you might not be in a position to offer an equally robust
suite of stories and achievements, and of course, you cannot magically transport yourself back in
time to try to mimic this individual’s life. But you do not need to. You just need to showcase your
strengths. This applicant uses a linear narrative that allows his essay to flow from one inflection
point to the next, with a brief digression in which he introduces his father as a source of inspiration.
The language is honest and plain, in a good way. The applicant has no need of an abstract “hook” in
his essay because his story naturally does the work. Neither he nor his story is trying too hard!
Although the applicant ultimately reveals his goal of joining the family business, this is really not the
focus of his essay. Many family business applicants will claim to have a legacy to fulfill, and this can
often be a powerful story line and worth sharing from the start. In this case, however, it is simply
an aside, which reveals the candidate’s humility. This, plus the “fish out of water” motif, engenders
confidence in the admissions reader that the applicant is in no way seeking an easy path via his
family’s enterprise. Instead, he shows that he is capable of significant achievement on his own and
is willing to push himself hard and surmount obstacles—an appealing trait in a future business
leader.
By Jeremy Shinewald

Edmundston, New Brunswick, population 16,500, is my hometown. Almost everyone speaks

1 We have to imagine that HBS does
French, and as a paper and forestry town, traveling abroad remains a rare treat for many. 1 A not get very many applicants who
decade after I was born, my family moved to Quebec City to expand my educational opportunities. grew up in small-town, French-
speaking New Brunswick. The
I dreamed of the unique experience offered by U.S. colleges, but with barely more than a cursory
candidate takes advantage of his
understanding of the language, I was not going to make the cut unless I had an English language unique circumstances and presents
immersion—and quickly. I applied to the only English CEGEP (a pre-college transitional program this fundamental difference
immediately.
particular to Quebec) in the Quebec City region and was admitted, possibly because the admissions
committee forgot to check if I actually spoke English. When attempting to speak a foreign tongue,
travelers often feel that despite their best efforts, they are utterly incapable of expressing a complex
idea, with most statements sounding as sophisticated as “me want food.” Try discussing the nuances
of Hamlet or the merits of trade subsidies with a class full of native speakers. Suffice to say, my
first months were rough, with professors saying I needed to make my statements more nuanced
2 By pursuing the “fish out of
and refined. 2 I avidly read speeches and watched TV shows hoping to pick up turns of phrase that water” theme, the applicant almost
would impress. My efforts paid off and I acquired a strong grasp of the language thanks to long by default must admit to having
struggled. If he were to say, “It was
nights spent with everyone from George Washington and Abraham Lincoln to Michael Scott and Liz
all pretty easy, actually!” he would
Lemon. not be demonstrating adaptability.
After all, if his path had been easy,
he would have been a fish in water
When I made the leap to Princeton, I immediately joined the Princeton Debate Panel (I was now
the whole time!
an expert orator after all!). 3 To further pursue my interest in policy, I sought groups whose work
focused on national security. Surprisingly finding none, I created the International Security and
3 The applicant uses a little humor
National Policy Group, assembling a team of dedicated and passionate students. Putting my new with this aside, but he is self-
writing and editing skills to work, we drafted a white paper on U.S.–Korea relations and discussed deprecating and, well, showing
humility. He is not trying to get a
our recommendations with senior South Korean officials. The following year, we studied the
big laugh but is instead sharing his
Columbian drug cartels and shared our insights with the Administrator of the Drug Enforcement wit to give a deeper sense of his
Agency (DEA); our discussion was a reminder that even an in-depth study of a subject is not the personality. Ironically, by taking
a small jab at himself, he also
equivalent of living it day in and day out. Seeking to complement my academic knowledge with
demonstrates confidence.
practical experience, I jumped out of my comfort zone and spent a summer training with Israel’s
elite military units. Not being Israeli or Jewish, my time there was certainly a culture shock but
made for an amazing learning experience; the best way for me to earn the respect of the troops,
who initially thought I would be as useful as a ton of bricks, was to lead by example and be the first
through the door of the buildings we were breaching in our training exercises. Before I could do so
however, I had to learn how to clean a rifle without shooting my own foot off first, so my initial few
4 This is an excellent example
days were spent at the range in the company of a brash Israeli drill instructor. 4 of “show, don’t tell.” In this
paragraph, the applicant’s
accomplishments are sufficiently
Standing in the middle of the desert with a rucksack and an M-16, I found myself thinking about
clear and strong. He does not need
the adventures my father had in his younger days. Growing up in a large, impoverished family, he to explicitly tell the admissions
spent his youth chasing a variety of odd jobs to help make ends meet. With college being out of the reader, “Getting into Princeton was
exciting and filled me with pride”
question, he started as a water treatment plant operator and worked his way up prior to starting his
or “Our policy group was a huge
own advisory firm. For the better part of a decade, his company worked in collaboration with the success.” The reader can grasp
these ideas on their own.

Canadian International Development Agency (CIDA) and the United States Agency for International
Development (USAID) to build water treatment facilities in South America, Africa, and Southeast
Asia. He was held for ransom twice and got very sick more than once, yet he persevered. Now the
managing partner of a government consulting conglomerate that has outgrown even his wildest
dreams, his courage and determination remain a daily source of inspiration, and I owe my desire to
push my limits and venture into the unknown to him.
Although JP Morgan may not seem like uncharted territory for most, I was once again immersed
in an environment where others were initially vastly more skilled and possessed a nuanced
vernacular. After a few months in the investment banking division, I pitched the idea of launching
a campaign to grow our Canadian business. Underpenetrated by the firm, my home country offered
a thriving economy that emerged almost unscathed from the financial crisis. My goal was to create
target lists of potential new clients and launch coordinated marketing outreach between our
divisions to show prospects the breadth of JP Morgan. It was initially difficult for me to be effective
within a fairly rigid and hierarchical corporate structure, but I rapidly learned to navigate the
myriad of groups within various divisions and enlisted their help in advancing the project. Still, it
was hard to gain momentum, and there was a time when I thought it would fall apart because many
teams were already overworked and didn’t want an additional initiative on their plate. It was only
after I kept pushing and got some backup from a few managing directors that the process gained
5 Applicants do not need to be lone
wolves to succeed. By noting that momentum. 5 These setbacks helped me understand that within a large organization, change often
he asked others for help and only happens slowly, and if you back off after the first no, you will never get anything done. We were
then began to make progress, this
ultimately able to land several new client accounts and my campaign became a strategic initiative
candidate shows modesty and
humility, making him even more for the firm.
real and likable.
Transitioning to private equity appealed to me because I had the opportunity to join an

operationally intensive fund. After executing the acquisition of a ball bearing manufacturer, I was
tasked with the greatest challenge of my career thus far: preventing it from falling off a cliff and
bringing it back into the black. There was no playbook or manual to follow, so I did what I used
to do for fun during consulting case interviews: I went to a giant whiteboard and outlined areas
of concern that I wanted to fix. I sought to leverage my learnings from my time in Israel and lead
by example, rolling up my sleeves and delving into the details of each initiative, but sometimes
I got carried away and ran through that door without my team behind me. Needless to say, those
instances led to unproductive outcomes, and I had to focus on convincing department heads that my
vision for the business was worth following. We built stronger reporting tools, crafted a new sales
strategy, hired additional talent, shrunk a bloated inventory and restructured the support staff, all
6 Typo! Oh no! This should say, “I
am at an inflection point.” But is of which led to a doubling of EBITDA within six months.
such a minor issue enough to keep
an applicant out of HBS? Obviously
As I look to the future, I am at inflection point. 6 Having had both financial and operational
not! We encourage you to of course
do your best to ensure as clean an experience, I want an opportunity to tie the skills I developed into a business management
essay as possible, but do not worry framework that solidifies my understanding of a company’s departments and how they can best
(or assume) that if a typo or other
work together to fulfill a strategic vision. I can think of no better place than HBS to provide me with
small error should slip through, it
will stand in the way of your MBA the leadership, analytical and interpersonal training required to be an effective CEO. Specifically,
dreams.

as our family business has begun to outgrow Canada, I intend to lead the acquisition of our first
U.S.-based subsidiary after graduation, following in my father’s footsteps and seeking to begin my
own journey through uncharted territories as the company’s CEO. When I visited Harvard, I was
struck by a gate that said “Enter to Grow in Wisdom” upon entry and “Depart To Serve Better Thy
Country and Mankind” upon exit; by attending HBS, I enter into an intellectual accelerator before
venturing back out into the world to do what I like best: being thrown into high-pressure situations
7 In referring to these elements of
and applying prior skills to solve new problems. 7 his HBS visit, the applicant offers
evidence that he has made an effort
to get to know the program beyond
a superficial level, but he does not
belabor the point, which is critical.
Otherwise, the focus on the school
could seem cloying or awkwardly
tacked on to the end of a great
essay that thus far has had a very
clear and distinct theme!

Samantha: Vacation, Redefined
Early on in this essay, Samantha describes an incredible moment when her life was abruptly and
unexpectedly altered. As readers, we cannot help but empathetically understand the confusion and
sense of betrayal she felt when her father deceived her. We are rooting for Samantha by the end of
the third paragraph, wondering whether we would have been as strong if we had found ourselves in
her shoes.
We see how this early experience influenced who she has become as a professional. First, she
recounts a story about leading a crew of male miners, during which she faces both discrimination
and a lack of trust—though this time, she is the one at risk of losing others’ trust. The scars from
years prior help her realize a path forward. Samantha’s next story demonstrates again how much
she prioritizes trust and integrity, even in the most stressful of situations. While these stories
clearly demonstrate the traits she claims in the very beginning of her essay (trust, initiative, and
conviction), they also showcase her as a leader. Remember that HBS seeks candidates who reveal
a Habit of Leadership. Getting everyone on a team to change their behavior is challenging—even
more so when you have neither age, nor gender, nor background in common with them. Navigating
among senior management teams representing three companies and three countries and building
consensus requires maturity, guts, and shrewdness. No wonder HBS took such an interest in her!
By Liza Weale

Over the years, I have been tested in unexpected ways. What reassures me is how the traits that
have helped me succeed—trust, initiative, and conviction—stem from the hardest test of all.
Until April 4, 2011, I thought that a single pivot point in one’s life was the stuff of Hollywood. Yet,
10,000 miles away from home, on the tenth day of our vacation in Toronto, my dad informed us that
it was not a vacation at all. Instead, we had just moved from Indonesia to Canada and were not going
home.
1 This simple detail underscores

With nothing more than half a suitcase to call my own, 1 I had been wrenched away from all that the magnitude of the sudden
mattered—Balinese classical dance, university and friends. I felt betrayed by my father but knew I disruption in Samantha’s life
(and of her father’s deception).
couldn’t dwell. I set a goal of restarting my engineering education by Spring 2012. I studied hard for
In reading this, you might find
the SAT and took it within a month. Without steady jobs, my parents were struggling to make ends yourself imagining having to
meet at home, so while attending classes at a local college by day, I worked as a motel receptionist start a new life with just the small
subset of your belongings that you
by night to help. 2 Those seven months were a blur, but I rediscovered rhythm in my life with
happened to choose to bring with
conviction, bringing back education and friends. you on a week’s vacation!
2 What is not stated outright here

Years later, a veteran mining operator confronted me, angrily, “Seven years of sweat, one violation is that Samantha works to help her
and I’m fired? You’re experimenting with rules at the expense of me feeding my family!” He was family make ends meet despite her
anger at the situation, which must
the first casualty of the Safety First Rules (SFRs), a new global safety initiative at MineCo. It was the
have still been simmering. Rather
third week on my job leading a team of 84 operators on a mining effort in remote northern Canada. than looking out just for herself,
Sole female and foreigner on staff, I “looked like a raghead,” according to the camp steward who she contributes to her family’s
survival. This reveals Samantha’s
refused to serve me dinner, and was often treated with suspicion. To make matters worse, I was
reliability, strength, and sense
charged with implementing the SFRs. Amidst company-wide downsizing, the policy demanded full of duty. Although you cannot say
compliance, and a single violation meant immediate termination. everything you might want to in
your essay, the admissions reader
might very well infer the things you
As I wrestled with the operator’s dismissal, I realized that I had to keep safe a team that didn’t hope they do.
trust me and that immediate termination didn’t fit the “crime.” Wanting my operators to succeed
in following the policy, I created a robust training program, facilitated violation discussions, and
introduced a raffle to reward safe behavior. To prove my commitment to my team, I promised them
that I’d persuade management to have warning conversations with violators for the first three
months—instead of automatic dismissal—if everyone stuck with my program. My initial attempts to
convince management were rebuffed, but I kept trying. Finally, when a senior Operations Director
visited the mine and saw the operators taking safety so seriously, he believed in my program as
well. With his support, I soon won over management to redefine the policy for the mine to include
three months of warning conversations before instituting dismissals.
As I chipped away, the number of violations decreased as did the tension between management and
my team. Turning hostility into trust, I had not only saved jobs but also fostered a culture that would
ensure the operators’ safe return to their families for years to come.

I knew how valuable my team’s trust in me was—in part because I knew how long it had taken for
me to trust my father again after the move. My own journey has left me very respectful of trust. That
respect would steer me again in 2019. Earning a rotation in Eastern Europe to better understand
the business challenges in semi-laissez faire markets, I headed overseas and soon found myself in a
sticky political situation.
Working out of the headquarters of Slovakia’s largest energy/mining companies (and yes, I need to
be vague on which company because of the geopolitics involved), I was tasked with developing a
mining operation that straddled its border with another country. The ownership was tricky, and my
company MineCo was involved with both parties. The mine itself belonged to Poland and MineCo,
while the top-side mine processor sat across the border and belonged to Slovakia and MineCo.
Although I was privy to information on both sides, I was bound by confidentiality. That was fine
3 This is certainly a confusing
situation! If you need to describe until I stumbled upon a presentation about the mine processor by a colleague from Slovakia; it
a complex or detailed scenario, appeared that Poland’s operating assumptions were wrong, leading to an overly optimistic view of
remember that your essay is a test
the mining operation’s economics. 3
of your strategic communication
skills. As Samantha does here,
break the problem or story down I was conflicted: citing the presentation would kick off a firestorm between my company and
into its key components, and lay
Slovakia, but given the poor economics, I couldn’t let the project continue. Determined to find an
out the facts as simply and clearly
as you can. Complicated business alternate way to arrive at the same conclusion, I contacted technical experts in Canada and the
situations are more the norm than US for operational analogs and sought their opinion on the project’s assumptions. 4 Without any
not, and as an HBS student, you will
prior knowledge about the presentation, they concurred with my assessment: the assumptions
be expected to explain them in such
a way that your classmates can were wrong. Over a tense conference call that I facilitated, the experts convinced Poland to revisit
understand them as well as you do. the assumptions. Poland subsequently terminated the project, saving MineCo millions, while I
The admissions committee likely
managed to preserve a longstanding relationship between MineCo and Slovakia.
saw Samantha’s summarization
here as evidence that she was up
for that challenge. There have been other tests—from the time when I challenged a design as a junior engineer on
a new technology project to a recent instance where I had to prove our mine’s design integrity to
4 Often, applicants use stories
of analytics and data to the Canadian government. Each has contributed greatly towards my growth both professionally
demonstrate their intellectual and personally. Yet, while the specifics have changed, the challenges feel familiar. The “me” I
prowess. Samantha’s answer
know today was really born on that tenth day of our “vacation” back in 2011. Overcoming the
to her conundrum—to bring in
outside experts to opine on the shock, learning the power of trust, and challenging myself to not only rebound but grow forced
assumptions, without her ever me to define who I am—someone who will persevere for what she believes in and will not give up
revealing what she has already
simply because of rules, seniority, politics, or tradition. 5 The tests will continue; they’ll grow in
learned—implies that she is a
creative and resourceful problem complexity and change in nuances, but I’m ready.
solver.
5 Notice Samantha’s parting

words here. By summarizing her
final thoughts this way, she is
underscoring exactly what she
hopes HBS will understand about
her from her essay. Why leave
anything to chance when being
direct can sometimes work very
elegantly?

Caleb: Not Puzzled at All!
In this thematic essay, based on an enduring love of puzzles, the applicant manages to consistently
jump from one time period to another without confusing the reader—quite a feat! (One might even
say that he successfully pieced together a complex puzzle!) In making these leaps in time, the
candidate holds the reader’s attention but only because new information and evidence of personal
growth are revealed each time. Even though the time sequences change, the story moves forward,
and we learn more and more about the applicant.
Unfortunately, when many applicants write thematic essays, the reader is effectively told, “Here
is an example of my theme… and another… and another!” In this case, the candidate lets the
narrative do the work for him and reveals how puzzling is not just a hobby but a driving force behind
his personal accomplishments, professional growth, and academic pursuits. Indeed, the applicant
shares an immense breadth of achievement, conveying his story by offering experiences—he shows
rather than tells—so that the essay comes across not as braggy, but as humble and factual.
Notably, our “hero” in this story comes from the finance sector and even discusses deals he worked
on. However, this is not a “finance” essay. The applicant does an excellent job of explaining how
his intellectual curiosity has found its way into his work and even led to success (a client wanted to
poach him!), without making his story fundamentally about work. Finally, the candidate relates this
central aspect of his nature to the HBS program without being cloying or fawning. He acknowledges
that his approach is a good fit for the case method but avoids changing the spirit of the essay with a
lengthy rumination on the school’s merits. Many applicants will mistakenly write a very compelling
essay and then, out of sheer compulsion, tack on a paragraph or two of unrelated goals and reasons
for wanting to attend HBS. This candidate takes a more subtle and sensible approach, and clearly, it
worked.
By Jeremy Shinewald

I should have been opening my Abstract Algebra textbook on the first day of my last quarter at
Brown. Instead, I was in a gown at the Mayo Clinic, wondering if I’d soon be going under the knife
for open-heart surgery to remove a piece of my excessively thick ventricle (the result of a genetic
heart condition). There’s nothing quite like the prospect of having your heart stopped to make you
think about what you value. For my twenty-one-year-old self that answer seemed obvious—I was
worried about what I was missing in math class. I was ultimately able to avoid the surgery, but I
still find it telling how I weighed my priorities in that moment. While concern over a missed math
lecture may seem trivial, it is also a reflection of what has been a constant for me: an insatiable
appetite for learning and an obsessive love of problem solving.
My parents recognized this passion very early on, giving me the cumbersome but well-deserved
nickname of “Possessed Puzzle Person,” as I tackled the most challenging dinosaur jigsaws the west
side of Minneapolis had to offer. In sixth grade, I craved more than what my school’s curriculum
could provide; I convinced my parents to buy me textbooks so that I could teach myself Latin and
advanced geometry. By middle school, I got caught up in the Sudoku craze, but those singular
9x9 grids were not enough. Instead, I spent weeks working my way through a twenty foot long,
serpentine, continuously unfolding Sudoku. Even today, on my desk at Permira, I have a small
collection of three-dimensional, interlocking wooden puzzles in various stages of completion, gifts
1 This paragraph is effective in that
it shows that the applicant truly has from a colleague who is amused by how captivated I become. I guess I am still “possessed.” 1
an inordinate and enduring passion
for puzzling. The candidate is not
My zeal for learning and problem solving has undoubtedly influenced the early direction of my
just a casual puzzler trying to force
a theme. This is very much a part of career. I sought a banking role at Morgan Stanley and then one in investing at Permira because I
his character. believe that these high-intensity environments, coupled with incredibly talented colleagues, push
me to maximize my learning potential. I have continually worked in the healthcare industry, not
2 In just a few words, the applicant
indicates purpose and subtly only because I feel a close personal alignment with this space due to my own health experiences, 2
differentiates himself from others but also because I believe that our healthcare system’s inherent complications draw out the best in
in the finance sector, many of
my compulsion and encourage me to make an impactful contribution.
whom lack his level of spirit and
intentionality.
On my first project at Permira, I found myself immersed in the type of intensely complex situation
that I relish. We had just completed three months of grueling diligence and finally reached a deal
to acquire a medical devices firm—only to see a prohibitively high competing offer emerge at the
last moment. Fortunately, due to the strong relationship we had developed with the founders, they
gave us a chance to present alternative structures. Pressed for time, I was told by my senior team to
examine anything that would enable us to contribute less value up front but allow the founders to
capture outsized returns on the back end.
As one might suspect, the best answer was not immediately obvious. I considered option structures,
catch-up mechanisms, and differential purchase prices for certain portions of their holdings,
covering my desk in drawings of payoff curves, indifference points, and calculations of investment

returns. Meanwhile, I worked closely with the partners at our counsel to determine which legal
structures were permissible. I even had to develop a mathematical proof to illustrate to my team
3 By noting “payoff curves,
and our lawyers that two structural options were equivalent under different exit scenarios. 3 indifference points,” and the
Ultimately, my analysis supported our ability to enhance our proposal. I presented my findings to need to “develop a mathematical
proof,” the applicant demonstrates
our team, and we decided to increase our offer by 15%. The company accepted and we have now
his exceptional ability to solve
integrated the firm into our portfolio and are quite excited about its future. Not only did this process a complex puzzle and convey it
challenge me intellectually, creatively, and professionally, but it also allowed me to tap into that to others, without bogging the
reader down with a cumbersome
reservoir of problem-solving passion that energizes and motivates me.
explanation.
I see this as a consistent pattern in my life. I seek out and am most engaged by those situations
where I’m pushed to test something novel and then synthesize and apply the results. While my
youngest puzzle-solving days certainly laid this foundation, through more recent experiences, I
have been able to engage with these skills more practically. During my time at The Brown Daily
Herald, I sought a leadership role, for which I was likely unqualified, to get a true taste of real-world
problem solving. At the time, The Herald was struggling to support its daily circulation in the midst
of a national downturn in print advertising. With no sales experience, but a desire to untangle
the paper’s financial challenges, I took on the role of Advertising Director. Counter to tradition
and intuition, I determined that if we were to halve our advertising staff to only a committed core,
we might have a chance to turn things around. Despite healthy skepticism from my co-directors,
I convinced them that with this new approach we could deliver strong growth—and fortunately
we did, growing sales by over 30% during my tenure. I was proud to pass on the paper in a much
stronger financial position.
Later, at Morgan Stanley, I learned about the biotech industry and discovered a strong emotional
and intellectual resonance, given my heart condition, with its overarching mission to develop novel
therapeutics for unmet medical needs. I petitioned my staffer to join the next available biotech
project, which turned out to be a tricky financing. I worked closely with our most senior healthcare
partner to design an innovative structure that would provide our client with the capital it needed
to bring its clinical trials across the finish line. Together, we spent hours at a time brainstorming
and sketching the decision trees that would define our solution. As we presented our ideas to the
company, their CEO was so impressed by our creativity that, with a bit of humor, he offered me a
4 The applicant shares this story
job in front of my entire team. 4 While the project was certainly mentally stimulating, I found a with humility and self-deprecation
greater reward in the purpose of our work. The company’s drug had the potential to become the so that it illustrates his success
without sounding boastful.
first-in-class therapy for Parkinson’s, and our financial problem- solving could play a very small
but important role enabling that potential. As a result, I was reminded of the amplification of
effectiveness that can come from the unification of my love for the analytical with the purpose
of the emotional. On a small scale, outside of work, I have tried to put this union into practice by
sharing my joy in the climb up the learning curve with others—as an economics and mathematics
tutor in college, as a friend helping a colleague through a stressful and technical recruiting process,
or as a mentor to high-school students through my volunteer work with Appleton Youth Programs.

Today, it is this same journey to indulge my curiosity and problem-solving obsession that is
(hopefully) leading me into the class at HBS where every day I will have the opportunity to study a
new scenario, analyze potential solutions, and discuss and dissect those ideas with peers who have
5 Without expounding on his goals
or going into detail, the applicant diverse views. 5 Each case presents a problem with many paths to no one perfect answer, and to the
offers a nod to the values he has in Possessed Puzzle Person still in me, that sounds like a very interesting problem indeed.
common with HBS.

Teegan: The Impossibility of Bumblebees
This applicant, Teegan, draws inspiration from the flight of the bumblebee, what should be an
aerodynamic impossibility. Starting your business school application essay with a quote can be
effective if the quote is truly meaningful to you, can be quickly digested, and connects to the rest
of your essay. The quote Teegan chooses checks all these boxes, and after reading it, we are ready
to learn about her willingness to challenge preconceived notions of what is, and is not, impossible.
She then illustrates the different ways she has done just that. Also working in Teegan’s favor is
that everyone appreciates a battle in which the unexpected hero prevails. She does not let things
like chance, lack of precedence, or even unanswered phone calls stop her, and with each win, she
further establishes herself as a capable leader and deepens her drive to help others facing similarly
difficult odds to succeed. Teegan expresses a self-confidence that comes from not being afraid to
fail, and she convinces us of her grit, resourcefulness, and tenacity—all very du jour qualities that
echo the traits HBS wants in its future students. Note, however, that she does not actually use these
words; instead, she lets the reader infer these characteristics from the stories she shares.
Teegan also easily blends elements of her personal and professional journey; we never feel
as though she is trying too hard to ensure she is covering everything she thinks she should.
Sometimes, you can quickly dissect an essay into a requisite work story, a requisite personal story,
and a requisite community story. Such essays might effectively relay critical points, but they often
read like lists of discrete stories tenuously tied together. By focusing on how a meaningful quote
continues to motivate her, though, Teegan moves fluidly between different areas of her life, linked
only by their presumed impossibility. The result is a story of conviction and the promise of future
impact.
By Liza Weale

“According to the theory of aerodynamics, the bumblebee should be unable to fly because of its body
composition in relation to total wingspan. But the bumblebee, ignorant of its scientific truths, goes ahead
and flies anyway...”
This quote has been posted on my wall since I was eight years old. It has guided me as I have
embarked on experiences that were seemingly impossible given my background. But similar to the
ignorant bumblebee, I have chosen to fly anyway.
In the 1980s when my family escaped to the US from Cuba, they had lofty goals of achieving the
American dream. My mother and grandmother are seamstresses by trade, and their dream was to
start a fashion line. However, they had more financial struggles than they could have imagined.
My entire family lived in my Aunt’s cramped 3-bedroom apartment in an undesirable corner
of Chicago—a neighborhood blighted at the time by the crack-cocaine epidemic. Moreover, the
residents lacked access to high-quality schooling, housing, and social resources. By the time I was
born, my mother was able to move two doors down from my Aunt’s apartment and raise me on her
1 Note how Teegan enables the
reader to imagine her world. As $15,000 nanny/housekeeping salary. 1 Aside from her love, she gave me a strong belief that nothing
MBA coaches, communicators, is “impossible,” and that I should delete that word from my vocabulary.
and editors, we often tell our
clients, “Show, don’t tell.” But
actually adhering to that advice Although no one in my family or neighborhood had pursued higher education, my mother instilled
can be difficult. One tip is to let the in me early on that I was going to college. However, I received little guidance from counselors or
facts and observations speak for
others about applying. While completing the financial aid application, I recognized that we were
themselves, without instructing
the reader how to interpret them. “low-income,” and my options were severely limited. Despite these facts, I believed I could beat
You can see Teegan doing that the odds. After being rejected from more than half of the schools on my list, Haverford College
here. By sharing her mom’s annual
not only accepted me but provided a full tuition scholarship. In school, I focused on sociology
salary and the scourge of crack
cocaine and social inequality in and community action in order to have a career that would enable me to increase access to
her community, she simply and opportunities for people from communities like the one I come from. As a sophomore, I was
effectively paints a clear picture of
determined to get an internship in diversity and inclusion, although it was nearly “impossible” to
the environment she grew up in.
get into a niche field like this at the time. I applied to the Accolade internship program for minority
students and heard nothing back. While studying abroad in Madrid, I called Accolade every day
2 This is a compelling little detail.
As much as Teegan reveals her until I accidentally dialed the Executive Director’s extension. 2 This phone call led to a multi-
determination throughout this summer People Development internship, supporting the Chief Talent Officer at DeVry University.
essay, she attributes her success
in getting the Accolade internship
in part to the fluke of a misdialed Senior year, a Google search led me to apply to the Human Capital Rotational Program at Deloitte
number—a fluke that would Consulting. I had no idea of what consulting really was, and I unknowingly applied late according
not have occurred without her
to the competitive consulting recruiting cycle. I was unaware that it was nearly “impossible” to get
dogged determination, but a fluke
nonetheless. By divulging this into the program without having interned there prior. After patiently waiting for 2 months, I wrote
detail, Teegan reassures us that she a follow-up note to an email address that I assumed was the equivalent of a blackhole. Evidently it
does not take herself too seriously.
wasn’t because I became one of two people in our HC Rotation class of 15 that had not interned at
Deloitte earlier. I had three rotations across Diversity, Recruiting and Global Talent Management,

and I loved implementing professional development programs that had a positive impact on
candidates/employees.
However, 11 months after joining Deloitte, my mother and I were displaced from our Chicago
apartment that we had lived in for over 20 years. I had 2 months to find us a new home and we could
no longer afford our now-coveted neighborhood. Because of this experience, I became passionate
about advocating for low-income communities, and was curious about what Deloitte was doing
3 In recounting their stories for
to help combat the affordable housing crisis. 3 After initiating a “coffee chat” with a Partner in business school essays, applicants
Community & City Development (the group that consults with cities to improve urban living), he often forget to communicate their
intentions or motivations. Yet
offered me an opportunity to interview for an open position. Getting the job seemed “impossible”
as Teegan’s essay demonstrates
since nothing on my resume matched the requirements of the job description. I was still hired here, these elements can help
and within a short time, I became the youngest person on the team to be made a Manager, a underscore the importance of a
subsequent action or outcome.
typically post-MBA role. Moreover, I was recently able to provide housing stability for my mother
By understanding her growing
by purchasing her a home. This was another feat that seemed “impossible” in the current Chicago passion to advocate for struggling
housing market, but I did everything possible since it was necessary for her future security. communities, we better appreciate
Teegan’s initiative in learning what
Deloitte was doing for cities and
I will continue to ignore what is believed to be “impossible” and instead focus on working towards communities.
making an impact in society. I am more committed than ever to ensuring that people from low-
income communities receive the tools to do the “impossible” despite their background. Although
I cannot close the economic divide, I know that my commitment, in combination with an MBA
education, will help me to make a difference.

STANFORD GSB
ESSAYS AND
CRITIQUES

Abi: Zipping Along
In this applicant’s story of his journey, he cleverly uses zip codes as his hook, creatively engaging
the reader in what matters to him: equality. However, what is more notable is that he consistently
supports his assertion of equality’s importance to him with evidence that he has taken action to
improve other people’s circumstances and to fight inequality. Many candidates feel that they must
prove to the admissions committee that they are altruistic, and if they are lacking in substantial
proof of such, they will lament a scarcity of formal community service opportunities and/or try to
embellish any benevolent or philanthropic act from their past to reveal their humanitarian values.
Unfortunately for such applicants, they will never stack up well against a candidate like this one
who has real depth. Said differently, something has to truly matter to you for you to be able to write
about it effectively.
While the zip codes frame the essay, the narrative moves forward as a simple chronology, with the
applicant growing personally and philosophically at each stage. He shares his humble background
and then his ambition to help others from a young age via his ambitious run for the school board.
Then, he describes how even as he was advancing his own education via law school, he remained
committed to making a difference at the individual level—and succeeded in changing peoples’
lives. Finally, he shows how as a professional, he is having significant social impact outside his
workplace, launching an initiative that has reached more than 100 people. Because the evidence
and impact are so clear, the reader arrives at a very obvious conclusion: this is a highly purpose-
driven individual whose track record presages a remarkable future. However, the essay conveys no
inklings of arrogance, and the applicant does not pat himself on the back; instead, he concludes
by reflecting on his and his family’s humble background. In doing so, he effectively notes that
he has not forgotten—and more importantly, will not forget—who he is. The admissions reader
can understandably expect follow-through in both the short term and the long term because the
candidate’s values clearly propel him.
By Jeremy Shinewald

Essay A: What matters most to you, and why? (Word count: 755)
60605, 60606, 60607.
These zip codes are just one digit apart, but the difference that digit makes in someone’s life is
unfathomable. I realized this on my first day as a high school senior. Leafing through my out-of-
date, stained, calculus textbook, I kept picturing the new books that my friend from a neighboring
(more affluent) district had. As college acceptances came in, I saw educational inequality’s more
lasting effects—my friends from affluent districts that better funded education were headed to
prestigious universities, while most of my classmates were only accepted by the local junior college.
I was unsettled that this divergence wasn’t the students’ doing, but rather institutionalized by the
state’s education system. Since this experience, I realized that the fight for education equality will
be won through equal opportunity. Overcoming inequality, to ensure that everyone has a fair shake
at success, is what matters most to me.
But this vision wasn’t just a pipe dream—I executed. That year, I was selected as student advisor to
my school board, representing the district’s 70,000 students. The next year, I ran for school board—
1 Sharing a setback is nothing
the youngest candidate in Illinois history. Though I lost to the incumbent by 5%, 1 the valuable to shy away from, especially one
connections I’d fostered led me to become—throughout college—the director of a political action where the goal (in this case, to
become the youngest school
committee that manages school board candidates during high-stakes elections and leads lobbying
board member in state history) is
efforts for education finance reform in Springfield. Although I saw progress through expanded quite audacious. The admissions
advanced placement course offerings and school enrollment options, it wasn’t enough. Believing committees are not seeking
personifications of perfection—
that the legal system could deliver the justice I envisioned, I decided to attend law school.
they seek human beings.
19139, 19130.
Different locations. Same inequalities. One is a leafy, quiet Philadelphia suburb; the other is
where the local juvenile hall is located. There, throughout law school, I taught incarcerated
students fundamental entrepreneurship skills with the goal of economic empowerment. These
teenagers were on their own, viewed as unemployable upon their release. I hoped to give them the
opportunity to better their lives, by helping them gain the skills and confidence to start their own
business. During my last year of law school, I mentored one student in starting his own bicycle
repair business, guiding him through creating the business plan, marketing campaign, and
procurement contract. He supports himself with his business today, showing me the true equalizing
power in opportunity. Similarly, I helped another student attain a cosmetology license, making her
dream of becoming an independent hairdresser reality. These results are satisfying, but working
with one person at a time is just too slow.
60647, 60642.
I’m back home in Chicago, following law school. By day I work at BCG, assisting international
financial institutions on pivotal strategic initiatives. But I missed empowering others through

education activism. So, I began the Youth Leadership Initiative to mentor University of Illinois,
Chicago, students interested in management careers.
Through the Initiative, I have mentored over 30 university students one-on-one, helping them
select and pursue business-oriented careers. Additionally, I’ve led workshops for over 100 students,
teaching “soft skills,” including interpersonal, and public-speaking skills. When Renata thanked me
for the interview she otherwise wouldn’t have landed, or Auston tells me how he overcame his fear
of public speaking with a class presentation I coached him on, I can envision all the opportunities
they can now take advantage of with the small, initial push that I provided.
2 Earlier in his essay, the applicant

basically states that equality is So why am I so passionate about opportunity? 2 It has its roots—as so much does—in family. My
what matters most to him, so this father escaped a theocracy as a teen, immigrating to America with nothing to his name, unable
statement could confuse the reader
to speak a word of English. However, he had access to a free English class at a local community
slightly. We can of course make
the assumption that opportunity college.
is part of fighting inequality, but,
theoretically, with one more
This opportunity set into motion a chain of events that changed his life, and ultimately, mine. That
draft, we might fix this minor
inconsistency. Clearly, this was no free course enabled him to graduate from high school and attend university, becoming an engineer.
problem for the GSB’s admissions It gave him the skills to start his own business—first as a car mechanic and later as an entrepreneur,
committee.
owning a car dealership. It let him support his family, send two children to college, buy a home. He
was able to take two months off every summer, so I grew up visiting international destinations for
3 Ending with a note of humility
is helpful here, as a foil to the weeks at a time, expanding my horizons and learning just how much the world has to offer. 3 I was
applicant’s position with BCG; raised in a less affluent district than my friends, but that English class—and my father’s drive—gave
by returning to imagery of his
me opportunities and advantages. Without it, I could have fallen victim to a hopeless zip code.
father’s American dream story, he
concludes with iconography that
should resonate with most readers.

Helena: Funfetti for Santa Claus
Helena’s story of financially helping her father—and subsequently her entire family—is a moving
one. Taking on that responsibility as a recent college graduate must have filled Helena with both
stress and concern. Yet the story of her father’s plight accounts for only a small portion of the essay,
and a meaningful theme emerges: Helena is fueled to grow, learn, and achieve for herself, then
apply her growth, learnings, and achievements to help others.
Helena includes a number of stories and moments from her life to make her point, and as she
moves from one time period to another, the consistent element (beyond her theme) is her use of
specific details to make each story stand out. (Yes, we say it time and time again—such precise
particulars make your story one that only you can tell; moreover, they enable the reader to better
envision your world.) She also dots the essay with a few asides that give the reader more insight
into who she is, even beyond her core thesis. Throughout, we see a strong, optimistic, and caring
leader, one who is willing to contribute however she can to improve the circumstances of those
around her.
I would like to comment briefly on paragraph length: applicants sometimes assume that their
business school essays must follow a formal structure. Yet Helena mixes up the length of her
paragraphs, with some being only a few sentences long—which is rare in formal writing. As
someone who reads dozens (and dozens!) of essays every year, I can assure you not only that variety
is appreciated but also that when used strategically, short paragraphs can help hold a reader’s
attention. More condensed paragraphs can often be easier to digest. Of course, my point here is not
that you should fill your essays with short paragraphs because doing so will get you accepted! (If
only things were that easy…) Instead, my advice is to be flexible in your writing style to the extent
that you feel comfortable doing so; schools do not expect a formally organized composition. The
essays in this guide represent a variety of essay structures, and each one is associated with an
applicant who was ultimately accepted. Find what you are comfortable with, and be confident in it.
By Liza Weale

Six months into joining JP Morgan, I got a call from my dad close to midnight. The call itself wasn’t
unusual—my parents liked to check in on me—but the discussion was. He needed me to keep this
conversation between the two of us. He needed money.
I was completely shocked but jumped into auto-pilot; I was comforting and optimistic and said I’d do
anything to help. When we hung up, I wired him my paycheck, thinking it was a one-time request.
Yet within months, I became Santa Claus for our family Christmas, the piggybank for my little
1 We often say that taking a “show,
don’t tell” approach can make sister at college, and the source for electricity at my parents’ home back in Orange County. 1
someone more likable. We get no
sense that Helena is complaining
Monetary support was the reason my dad called me, but over time, as he told me about his business
or trying to get us to feel sorry for
her. By simply sharing the facts as problems, I started giving him advice on the bankruptcy process and raising capital. 2 After a year, I
they were (paying for Christmas convinced him to put aside his fear of disappointment and open up to our family about the business
gifts, a sibling’s college tuition,
situation, though we never told them of my contributions. My dad, my mom, my little sister and
and household bills), Helena lets
us reach our own conclusions and older brother have all looked to me to provide a sense of calm and optimism, which has kept us
earns our respect and empathy. as strong as ever. Although I still felt young at 22, I realized I had the knowledge, personality, and
wherewithal to have a real impact on others.
2 Although she does not say so
directly, we can infer that Helena
is in a position to advise her father Things came easy to me growing up—school, friends, sports. Not to say I didn’t work hard (I did),
on these topics because of her role
but I was rewarded with positive outcomes. My older brother went about life with comparable
at JP Morgan. She of course could
have been more explicit about this, happiness and ease. I assumed it was like this for everyone, until I saw how much my little sister
but remember that the admissions struggled. She was a slow developer; she felt defeated in school and misplaced socially. 3 I became
committee also has access to her
her life cheerleader, tutor, and best friend. I treasured each of her incremental steps more than my
resume. Given the precious word
count, give careful thought to what own achievements. When I went to Dartmouth, I gravitated towards similar roles—VP, Personal
information you need to include in Development for my sorority, STEM tutor at a high school near Hanover and Peer Mentor in my
this essay to support your thesis
finance classes. I enjoyed helping other people see their potential.
and ensure understanding—and
to what information you can leave
out because it can be gleaned from But the situation with my dad made that natural role take a new meaning. I was monumentally
your resume and other application
appreciative of the position I was in at JP Morgan: I was challenged, I was learning, and my
elements.
learnings and position were relevant to others.
3 Helena explores her naïveté
in these sentences—just work
hard, and things will be okay. It
I realized I wanted to continue and expand my tendency to be a supporter for others. Recognizing
is a simple observation, made how valuable my older brother’s friends were in helping me navigate my career path, I worked with
poignant by the contrast between
Dartmouth Career Services and my fellow alumni in business to create a mentoring program that
her personal experience and that of
her sister, who has had to struggle.
gave Dartmouth juniors a young alumni mentor in their field of interest. The response has been
Ultimately, these few sentences tremendous, and I myself am always happy to hear from my mentees, now at their dream jobs in
effectively answer the “why” of the
finance.
GSB’s essay prompt. Never does
she state outright, “This is my why.”
But appreciating the difficulty Yet as proud as I was of the thousands of hours of career advice the program has facilitated, I
of her sister’s situation inspires
wanted to help those who didn’t already have the benefit of being in a great school. I’ve since joined
Helena to help others reach their
potential as she has always been
iMentor, an organization that helps high achieving, low-income high-school students on their path
able to do herself.

to college. My mentee, Eliana, was so shy in our first meeting she would cover her face when she
spoke. Instead of jamming her day 1 with college prep, I worked to build her trust, and we became
friends. She started speaking up in group sessions and trying new activities (like ice-skating, sushi,
and considering out-of-state colleges). I am not an emotional person, but we both cried my last day
at the program as she presented me with the hot pink funfetti cake she baked and led the group in
4 I appreciate Helena’s aside (“I
singing me farewell songs. 4 am not an emotional person”). We
can clearly see throughout the rest
of her essay that Helena is deeply
I still speak with Eliana on Saturdays since moving to Chicago, just like I stay up late on the phone
empathetic, but by stating outright
with my little sister troubleshooting the week’s latest obstacle (an exam or finding a summer that she is not generally emotional,
job). I still help my dad through these tougher times and continue to look for ways to improve the she is subtly discouraging the
admissions committee from
Dartmouth’s Junior/Alum Match-Up program. My high-school motto, “find a way or make one,”
equating being empathetic with
which I dutifully lived by since graduation has morphed into “find a way and make one for others.” being emotional.
I love to be challenged and a pioneer for women in the workforce, and I have discovered the more I
5 Nowhere do we see the words
achieve, the more capacity and drive I have to help others reach their potential as well. 5 “what matters most” in this final
paragraph, and that is perfectly
okay! Helena’s last sentence all but
states the obvious, but anything
more is wholly unnecessary, given
all she has presented in the rest of
her essay.

Frederic: Community Health to Healthy
Community
Short but sweet—the Stanford GSB gives applicants leeway in how they distribute their word count
between their “what matters most” and “why Stanford” essays, and in this case, the applicant uses
50 fewer words than the admissions committee’s current suggestion of 650. This is no problem;
the school obviously invites you to use your judgment, so it naturally will not punish you for doing
so. In fact, the reason we are commenting on this is to encourage candidates who are considering
allocating their word count in a different way to feel comfortable with that decision.
In this essay, the applicant shares a highly unusual experience, a fighter jet crash, to show how it
galvanized his community and helped define his values. If he were to simply present the event as
a cause without elucidating a subsequent effect, the experience would not seem as meaningful.
Instead, we see that the event has truly shaped the applicant and influenced his actions in the
near term (he became a committed community member seeking to bring healing to others and
later pursued additional volunteer opportunities) and in the long term (he has committed to
fostering community at his workplace and to bettering his broader community through improved
healthcare). Of course, this candidate has an advantage that few others can compete with: he
successfully co-founded a business, one that has won awards and received investments. So, we
understand that much has not been written about in this essay as well! Because the applicant has
experienced a great deal of success, and because his successes should be evident from his resume,
recommendations, and supplemental essays, he focuses here on revealing the core values and
journey that have informed him to date and that will continue to in the future. Indeed, he ends his
essay with an inspiring and authentic declaration—“I will have no regrets”—which reads like not
just a conclusion to an essay but as a fervent pledge to himself.
By Jeremy Shinewald

Although lunchtime at my high school was typically a cacophonous mixture of various cliques and
groups, a uniform silence permeated the quad on this day. All eyes looked up to the sky at the plane
gliding lower and lower toward my neighborhood. Two houses away from where I lived, a marine
fighter jet crashed, destroying two homes, damaging five houses, and killing four people. Only
fourteen at the time, I knew my neighborhood would never be the same. But in the following weeks,
1 The applicant relates this
months, and years, our community came together. 1 Together we mourned, together we supported defining moment without any
each other, and together we rebuilt our community. During this time, I joined our community excess verbiage. By “showing” the
experience, he lets the details of
newsletter and volunteered to distribute our bulletin, working closely with community leaders and
the event do the work for him. He
citizen contributors to provide access and information to our neighbors. It is this sense of humanity allows the reader to imagine how
and community involvement that saw me through these formative years and have since instilled the he experienced the tragedy at a
young age.
community spirit within me.
It was around this time that questions of career plans increased with dramatic frequency from
inquiring friends, teachers, and family members. While my volunteer experiences took me to the
dustiest shelves in my local library to the downtown soup kitchen on cold December nights, it was
2 The candidate cleverly and
through my first experiences in healthcare that I felt a brewing passion. 2 At the practice where I subtly alludes to his commitment
shadowed, I saw a rheumatologist prescribe drugs of the highest efficacy. Oftentimes, these drugs to additional endeavors in noting
his primary endeavor. Depending
gave patients the relief they were after and allowed them to return to normalcy. During their
on their depth of experience, an
follow-up appointments, I could not help but smile when they exuberantly mentioned regaining applicant can use this technique
the ability to play piano or even to open a jar without pain. Many patients, however, were left with to inform the admissions reader
of broader engagement, without
swollen joints and continually decreasing mobility, made either to forego activities they enjoyed or
needing to offer too many details.
to experience them through a shroud of pain. Although she had applied the theories of medicine as
best as she could, I saw a great doctor limited by her tools. During these observations, my view of
healthcare as a simple panacea evolved towards a realistic, nuanced perspective, grounded by the
pain of patients and the difficulties of a doctor unable to relieve that pain.
To this day, these sentiments are at the core of what inspires me. The importance of community
and the seriousness of unmet healthcare needs have melded together what I “want to be” and
“want to do,” thus allowing my career goals and my career path to be one. Driven by limitations in
healthcare, I seek to remedy the unmet needs of patients and physicians through endeavors in the
biotechnology realm. Yet, while I am on a path towards leadership in healthcare, I know that, no
matter the career destination, I want to be known not merely for what I accomplished, but for what 3 The applicant chooses to state
outright “what matters most”
I made people feel. At QRTT Bio, my fondest memories have not been about tangibles such as prizes
to him, and this is perfectly
or investments, but about people; I reminisce about eating in the Palo Alto Il Fornio with the rest of acceptable, especially as a
my co-founders, laughing boisterously about hectic late-night conference calls just weeks prior and conclusion. In some cases,
candidates do not need to make
tearing up while sharing feelings of how privileged we felt to work with each other.
such a statement, and doing
so might even seem somewhat
This is what makes me smile. This is what matters most to me—being intimately involved with condescending if the theme
is already obvious. Here, the
and changing the lives of those in my community, the people I care about most. 3 To be able to do
declaration serves as a device to
so through healthcare innovation is truly icing on the cake. With the fleeting time that I have in wrap the essay and works well as
such.

productive years to dedicate to my community, if I am remembered by the moments and feelings I
4 As noted in the introductory
critique, this applicant ends his have shared, I will have no regrets. 4
essay with a bang. He knows
exactly what will make his life
meaningful and states it boldly.

Jules (Reapplicant): Stand by Me, Stand
by You
As a Stanford GSB reapplicant, Jules is in a category similar to Brian (page 93). We mention when
discussing Brian’s essay that reapplicants have different strategies they can choose from for their
new essay, and Jules chose a very different one from Brian’s. We reached out to Jules to learn how
similar this essay was to the first one she submitted. She shared that in her first GSB application,
she had focused on relaying what she wanted the GSB to know about her. Afterward, she realized
that she had never actually answered the school’s question (for herself or for the admissions
committee), and although she had presented a robust, multidimensional picture of who she was,
her essay lacked the singular thrust the prompt demands. This time, rather than trying to control
how the school might perceive her, she simply answered the question truthfully and sincerely.
Kudos to Jules for recognizing the importance of being authentic in her essay!
In the essay, Jules makes no mention of her earlier application. Instead, she discusses three
disparate situations—a classmate’s suicide, a difficult sibling relationship, and a company
reorganization—and links them via what matters most to her: relationships. Her essay also
conveys a strong sense of discovery and reflection, and each challenge better equips her for the
next. Another thing Jules does well is openly admit her shortcomings (notably, her impatience
with her brother). As we have said before and will undoubtedly say again, business schools are not
expecting, or even seeking, perfection. Jules references her impatience matter-of-factly, with no
sense of defensiveness or dramatization, thereby earning the reader’s compassion.
Some applicants might think Jules had the “good fortune” of finding herself in what was surely a
very difficult work situation, rife with opportunities to demonstrate commitment, integrity, and
empathy. Yet BigBoxCo would not likely have put Jules in the middle of this reorganization had she
not already displayed these traits. Throughout her essay, Jules’s actions clearly underscore who
she is, ultimately giving the GSB admissions committee compelling and sufficient evidence of its
desired Demonstrated Leadership Potential.
By Liza Weale

My cell rings. Victoria. One of my co-mentors to a group of high school underclassmen. “Hi... I think
1 Dealing with heavy topics such
as suicide in a business school you should sit down for this.” Victoria pauses, “Amit killed himself tonight.” 1
essay can be challenging. Stating
the situation clearly and simply,
Amit was one of our 40 freshmen mentees. A few times a week, we’d bring the mentees together,
with one or two salient details,
will provide enough context for as one or in smaller groups, to provide a “safe space” in the school’s high-pressure environment.
the admissions reader to be able I’d only been involved in the program 9 months, but it had become integral to my high school
to empathize without thinking you
experience.
are “playing the sympathy card”
(to quote candidates who worry
the admissions committee might The news of Amit’s suicide rocked me, and my grieving was intense. The school’s guidance
perceive such topics negatively).
counselors reached out, as did friends and family, but I didn’t know how to accept their help. The
only people who I felt understood were other members of our group. With them, I could share my
feelings of disbelief and guilt and listen to theirs. We used each other to figure out how to grieve
and accept what happened. But we also channeled our pain towards action, organizing a Suicide
Prevention gathering, visiting Amit’s family, and creating a field day to inspire some happiness.
These relationships saved me, and saved us, and while it took time, I ultimately got through the
worst of this period. I was left with a profound appreciation for the power of relationships. I also
gained resolve to fix an important one that I’d let languish.
My twin brother Johnny struggled with depression for much of my childhood. Anything set him
off, resulting in hours of hysteria and cries for attention. I tried not to upset him, which essentially
meant not interacting at all. In fact, Johnny was why I’d begun mentoring: I felt disconnected from
him and ill-equipped to help, so I latched onto mentoring in school to build relationships and have
an impact.
But after I’d processed much of my grieving for Amit, I started reevaluating my approach with
Johnny. I realized I was angry at Johnny for the state of our relationship without taking any
responsibility myself. I’d never tried to understand the reasons behind his outbursts and instead
assumed ill-intent. I also realized I had never been upfront with him about how his actions
impacted me.
Slowly, I got more comfortable dealing with Johnny when I felt he was irrational. I also tried harder
2 Sometimes, candidates are
tempted to shout from the hilltops, to understand his feelings, and I asked him to be honest right back. This hasn’t been easy, and even
“Look! I fixed the issue! Just like now that Johnny is in a good place, we still have to intentionally work on our interactions. 2 But it
that!” The truth, of course, is that
has gotten us to what I gratefully have today—a relationship that is truly one of the most meaningful
change takes time, and because
Jules admits that the relationship in my life.
can sometimes still be challenging,
the reader is more likely to
More recently, the importance of relationships again showed itself. I joined BigBoxCo shortly before
appreciate her efforts to improve it.
the company decided to dismantle a 30-person Product Development team. The tasks would be

absorbed by folks in other groups, while the 30 people would be reallocated to different areas across
BigBoxCo.
Over the next 18 months, I had to maintain absolute secrecy as I documented everything I could
about the processes. Without letting on the reason behind my attendance at meetings or my line of
questioning, I spent significant time with people who would be impacted by the reorg. I struggled
internally, wondering if I could do my job with integrity, without feeling like I was betraying these
3 Jules again reveals her struggles,
people, many of whom I called “friend.” 3 I focused on my belief that the reorg was better for the reassuring the reader that she is
company and those affected, and I hoped my involvement in the project would help me support like the rest of us—human!
them once they began their new roles.
After the changes were announced and we moved into implementation, I prioritized connecting
with colleagues whom I couldn’t tell about the reorg. I reached out initially to clear the air about
my involvement in the project but continued reaching out when I picked up on their eagerness
to ask me for advice on navigating the new structure. Throughout this period, I’ve found no one
holds anything against me. Instead, many of my relationships have actually gotten stronger—my
colleagues seem to trust me and appreciate how committed I am to their success.
To this day I grieve for Amit and mourn the fact that I couldn’t help him more. But, I take solace in
the fact that, since his death, I have realized what matters most to me: that I have and form strong
relationships. They fulfill me and give meaning to my actions, and in turn, my actions give meaning
4 Jules chooses to clearly state
back to them. 4 what matters most to her at the
very end of her essay, but by this
point, her answer is a foregone
conclusion. By laying out the
evidence from the start, she has
more than convinced us that
relationships matter most to her,
and as result, she needs very few
words for her conclusion.

Daria: Best Operatic Performance by a
Product Manager Goes to…
In this fiercely original essay, the applicant begins by sharing her biography, cleverly framing it
within the context of her growing love for opera. Along the way, we get the sense of a profoundly
sophisticated left-brain/right-brain intellect, somebody with the capacity to be both an engineering
student and a multilingual theatre and opera aficionado. Ultimately, the essay narrows to focus
specifically on opera, but what makes this effective is that she shares not only her passion for the
art form but also her success in enticing others to join her by organizing outings for her coworkers
and a student organization. Placing opera at the fore allows her to humbly convey her leadership
skills and experience without having to explicitly say, “I am a natural leader!” Her reader gets the
point. And beyond merely stating that opera is “what matters” to her, she explains that she plans
to make a career of fighting the uphill battle to revive the art form, and this illuminates her resolute
character. Leaders are constantly making a life out of fighting uphill battles!
Early on in this guide, we explained that one rarely needs to discuss their career goals in this
essay. However, for this applicant, doing so works! Why? Because her goal is both unique and
fundamentally connected to “what matters” to her. It is interwoven with and impossible to unravel
from her narrative, not an add-on that draws the reader away from her story. As a result, she gets
my rare stamp of approval in going down this path.
By Jeremy Shinewald

“O sweet contentment, descend upon us...” Colleen floats in a bubble above the staging, singing.
It is my first opera—I am here to watch my friend make her solo debut. I’m enraptured by the
implausibly melodramatic plot and by the way music and words work together. I decide to return to
the opera as often as possible.
As a child of two actors, I was doomed to be theatrical. I grew up on Romeo and Juliet and Rodgers
and Hammerstein. From the moment I could walk and talk, I was appearing in community theater
productions alongside parents. Theater, to me, was a chance to show off.
1 Some might worry that the

I soon realized I could show off in school as well. 1 My mathematical precocity gave my parents applicant is unnecessarily
hope that I might pursue a more practical career than acting. They encouraged my interest in highlighting a negative character
trait here. After all, who likes a
robotics. I ended up at an engineering school, studying systems, but starring in the theater group’s
show-off? In this case, though, by
productions and spending my electives on philosophy and drama. I learned Italian, German, and acknowledging that she used to
French (to add to my language repertoire of English, Spanish, and Japanese) so that I could read my enjoy showing off in her childhood,
she is being self-effacing, which is
favorite novels and watch operas in their original languages. 2
very different from claiming that
she is still a show-off today.
My undergraduate studies led to important realizations. One, I loved literature more than
2 In this paragraph, the applicant
engineering. Two, I loved opera more than plays. Three, consuming art was a more intense effectively demonstrates her
experience than performing it. My conclusion: spend as much time as possible watching (and range of talents and interests not
to “show off” but to illustrate the
learning about) opera. 3 I did that, first at Oxford University (where I earned my Master’s in
beginning of her path to discovery.
European Literature, with a thesis about stagings of Mozart’s La clemenza di Tito), and then as a
Fulbright student in Vienna (where I reviewed opera productions around Europe).
3 The applicant relies on a matter-
of-fact tone; she speaks clearly and
I felt a driving need not just to experience great performances, but to share them. During my time directly to the reader, while also
showing that she can be reflective.
at Carnegie Melon and my internships at Google, I arranged opera outings that brought more than
As a result, she is able to quickly
forty students to their first operas. I also started the Carnegie Melon Opera Organization. After my shift the direction of her essay from
undergraduate degree, I took up opera criticism and blogging, sharing my enthusiasm through my discovery to pursuit.
writing. 4 (I now freelance as a professional critic for publications based in Los Angeles, England,
4 As noted earlier, the applicant
and France.) In LA, I joined a group of young patrons of Los Angeles Opera and the board of shows her leadership of others in
directors of a smaller company dedicated to reviving long-lost Baroque works. the form of stoking interest in the
opera, but in doing so, she also
reveals intellectual leadership
Operatic heroines are regularly stabbed, poisoned, drowned or crushed—if they don’t catch within her community, thereby
tuberculosis or throw themselves off towers first. Naysayers claim the genre is headed the same indicating that she is capable
of leading others in multiple
way, but reports of the death of opera are greatly exaggerated. 5 While individual opera companies
ways. Such a trait is appealing to
have failed, the medium is far from dead. But it is undergoing a difficult transition, as artists and admissions committees.
managers try to figure out how it can best be relevant in the twenty-first century.
5 The applicant not only uses

Opera has incredible potential to combine the traditional with the radical. In order to do so, it needs humor to engage the reader but
to be financially viable—a successful business. That’s where product management comes in. As also, yet again, demonstrates her
intellect by paraphrasing Mark
much as the artist in me cringes at the phrase “opera product,” an operagoer’s experience must be
Twain.

designed, analyzed, and improved like a technology product. The domain is different, but many of
the core skills are the same. As a product manager, I have honed my abilities to frame problems,
collect data, prototype solutions, and build what works.
6 Although I rarely give my blessing

to discuss one’s goals in a GSB I envision myself as the manager of a major opera company. 6 Opera is no longer the sole province
essay, this applicant has no real of helmeted Valkyries and hoop-skirted Violettas. New operas like Nico Muhly’s Two Boys portray
choice but to do so because she is
the internet onstage and navigate a rapidly changing technological landscape. I’ve investigated
not simply excited about attending
the opera, “what matters” to her is technology as both a subject of operas and a tool for staging, and I’ve looked at how the old genre
leading its revival. of opera seria interacts with the modern discipline of gender studies. I want to encourage stagings
that thoughtfully address current political and philosophical issues. What matters to me is helping
opera adapt and thrive.

Brian (Reapplicant): Swimming Hard Against
the Current
As this applicant, Brian, notes near the end of his essay, he is actually a reapplicant to the Stanford
GSB. Imagine being in his shoes: the year prior, you gave the GSB application your all, only to
receive a resounding “no” in return. Undeterred, you try again, but as a reapplicant, how should you
alter your answer to “what matters most?”
Your immediate reaction might be “They didn’t like my response last year, so I better change it!”
Not so fast! As a reapplicant, you have multiple strategies that can work for you, from keeping your
original essay as is (if your answer was true for you when you first applied, it is reasonable that
your answer is still the same today) to starting from scratch (often, candidates realize that they
did not really answer the question the first time around) to something in between. The bottom
line is that reapplicants are not constrained to one specific approach. (Sound familiar? This entire
book demonstrates only a miniscule fraction of the potential pathways to an acceptance.) Start by
giving your previous essay a truly critical review. Did you respond honestly to the school’s request
for “what matters most” to you? If so, resist the immediate temptation to now tell the admissions
committee something different. And remember that the GSB has access to your prior essay(s), so be
aware of any inconsistencies a new and different answer might introduce.
Brian chooses to keep the same thesis (the importance of community and positive networks) and
adds to it a more a recent experience—a failure of sorts, no less. His essay explores how the lack of
a community or positive network can prevent meaningful work from being done, not just by him
but also by those around him. As a result, this essay becomes an extension of Brian’s original essay.
He perhaps hoped this version would pique the admissions reader’s interest enough to prompt
them to seek out his original application and read the two essays together. We believe his hope was
rewarded.
By Liza Weale

My contributions to professional communities—mentoring Swarthmore students and summer

analysts during my time at BankCo and spearheading a new cross-functional learning series at
ClickDown, as examples—were made possible by already welcoming, supportive corporate cultures.
While each had some cultural challenges, to add and excel all I had to do was swim hard with
the current. “Culture carrying,” after all, is not a burdensome load in organizations with healthy
1 Brian shows both maturity
and humility here by sharing the cultures. 1 My recent experience at Truck-and-Tow highlights that while an individual can swim
realization that when the going is against the current of an unhealthy culture for a short time to complete a targeted task, long-term
good, it is easy to keep going. While
morale and the progress of organizations are dependent on safe, open cultures, which encourage
his ability to shape cultures has
been a source of pride to him, he collaboration, big thinking, and extracurricular engagement. In that light, what matters most to me
also recognizes that he might have is building, contributing to, and engaging with such cultures. 2 Organizational culture matters to
been set up for success—without
me for an unabashedly selfish reason: welcoming, passionate communities, whether professional
crossing over into too much self-
deprecation. or otherwise, are simply more enjoyable and rewarding than those where motivated stakeholders
feel they are fighting against something larger than themselves.
2 Brian does not waste any time
telling us where he wants to focus:
working with strong cultures! While What was immediately apparent upon joining Truck-and-Tow was that the company was a
some people (including me!) lean
disorganized collection of acquired corporate assets resulting from a 30+ entity acquisition spree,
toward letting their stories unfold,
others prefer sharing what matters none of which had been properly integrated under a unified entity. Perhaps more importantly,
most up front. Figure out which Truck-and-Tow was also a disorganized collection of acquired one-off cultures that were never
strategy you are more comfortable
incentivized to buy-in to the common good of a single company. An example that highlights the
with; as you can see, the school is
open to either. negative cultural impact of not integrating acquisitions was Truck-and-Tow’s sales organization.
Each of Truck-and-Tow’s acquired companies (consisting of their own shops, from 2 to 18) had its
own advertising salesforce instead of an integrated, centralized plan. Instead of thinking about the
entire organization and learning from one another, salespeople remained incentivized to focus only
on their properties. Salespeople within the company even competed for deals with their colleagues
given financial incentives remained siloed. Unsurprisingly, best practices were never shared, and
platform synergy was never realized.
In addition to the insularity resulting from non-stop acquisitions, Truck-and-Tow’s owner played
musical chairs with the seats in his C-suite. This meant that for a new leader, implementing change
was a monumental undertaking. Employees were hesitant to try new methods or to embrace new
strategies because they knew the new CEO or CFO would inevitably face the same fate as their
predecessors. My efforts were subject to the same friction, given I joined at the same time as a
new leadership team. My work with James, the head of an internal effort looking to rent trucks
to local business, illustrates this friction. James explicitly refused to contribute to the work I was
completing because he had just gone through a similar exercise for the previous CFO. It took several
conversations with James where I attempted to paint a picture of what my finished work could help
the organization achieve before he finally began to cooperate hesitantly. This exercise had to be
repeated with 30 business owners across the organization. Needless to say, progress moved slowly.

The implication of the insularity, defensiveness, and insecurity I witnessed was that the company
was stuck in quicksand. Instead of taking intellectual risk and engaging in big-picture strategizing,
employees were more focused on checking off tasks that demonstrated tangible “progress” to
abrasive bosses, which only amounted to busyness. I wish I could conclude this essay by chronicling
how I was able to cure Truck-and-Tow’s toxic culture as part of the new management team, but that
was not to be. The owner was unable to fund the changes necessary to see the progress we were
3 This paragraph is tremendously
working toward come to fruition. I resort to retrospective reflection instead. 3 powerful. We understand that
Brian feels defeated yet focused,
humbled yet honest. We also learn
In my response to this prompt last year, I discussed how important communities and support
that this experience has fueled
networks were to my ability to weather challenging periods in my personal life. My Truck-and- him with a sense of the difficulty
Tow experience shows that the insights overwhelmingly apply in professional contexts as well. and importance of fostering strong
cultures and a desire to participate
Individuals cannot achieve emotional, athletic, professional, or any other flavor of success without
however he can to do so.
healthy organizations around them. I reiterate from last year that my awareness for and curiosity to
engage with the concepts of culture and team would be my greatest contributions to the GSB.

Noemi: Quixota to Catalysta!
Leveraging her intellectual side by writing about her personal connection with the classic literature
character Don Quixote, this applicant creatively introduces her passion for community, then
supports it with significant anecdotal evidence relating to her youth group, crisis counseling,
and founding of a women’s organization. But is this essay really about community? Without
ever explicitly writing about leadership or even using the word, the candidate shows that she is
definitely capable of being a leader. Early in her essay, she notes that she is part of a minority group
and later reveals that even within that group, she did not have an equal voice, so she established
an organization to support others like her. She never pats herself on her back, though, but merely
discusses her accomplishment in plain terms, allowing the reader to organically understand that
she has ignited a small but growing movement, one that is efficiently and effectively run. In short,
her accomplishment is clear, so she does not need to belabor the point or brag.
We learn that this candidate is Paraguayan (a rarity in the applicant pool), a creative individual
who loves literature, and an empathetic “EAR” who dedicated herself to helping others and
then amplified her impact by leading (our words, not hers!) the organization she founded.
However, we do not learn anything about her with respect to a certain aspect of her life—her
work! Some applicants think, “I’m applying to business school, so I must obviously write about
work! Otherwise, they won’t think I’m a competent professional!” Well, this is supposed to be an
essay about “what matters most,” and for some, that message might be conveyed through their
professional experience, but for others, it might not at all. As for this candidate, we gain a profound
sense of her values and motivations from the various accomplishments she shares, and she stands
out because of her depth of community and personal experience.
By Jeremy Shinewald

In the 12th grade, I was elected our class Doña Quixota—a title granted to the person in our Spanish
Literature class exhibiting the most passion.
Ever since, I’ve felt tethered to my namesake, the knight errant of Cervante’s Don Quixote. I aspire to
be the best parts of Quixote: an adventurer who can dream so vividly as to change reality, who has a
purpose that keeps him steadfast before formidable foes.
For Don Quixote, that purpose was winning the love of Dulcinea. For this Quixota, my Dulcinea is
1 By drawing the Quixota parallel,
community: belonging to it, shaping it, and building new ones. 1 the applicant reminds the reader
of her heritage and differentiates
herself by sharing her intellectual
My love for community started in Paraguay, where I was 1 of 15 of my ethnic group in my age in the
side. Beginning her essay instead
whole country. 2 Our small, vibrant, community helped me feel like I always had a home. Nowhere with a statement like “My love for
did I feel that more than through our small community’s version of Girl Scouts, where I first fell in community started…” would result
in less distinct framing, and we
love with being a community member. I’d spend weekends in activities led by the teen counselors,
as readers would likely not be as
who became my idols. I didn’t think those days of learning survival skills and playing capture the captivated by her story from the
flag could get any better—but I was wrong. At 16, when I became a counselor, I realized that the only start.
adventure I loved more than belonging to a community was the odyssey of shaping one.
2 MBA applicants from Paraguay
are few and far between, and
When I became a counselor, I chased after community in a way I never had. I spent my summer programs love to tout the number
of countries represented in
writing a 160-page curriculum. I sketched out lesson plans in the margins of my Biology or History
their class! Some advantages
notebooks and developed deep relationships with the kids I mentored, many of whom I’m still in simply cannot be matched or
touch with. 3 replicated, but the GSB did not

accept this applicant because she
is Paraguayan, of course—she is
When I got to college—surrounded by a class of more than a thousand—I began a voyage to find a highly accomplished and deserving.
new community to call home. I found it at Ithaca Empathy, Assistance and Referral Service (EARS) However, consider this a reminder
that admissions committees admit
Peer Counseling, Cornell’s crisis hotline. As a hotline responder, I went through rigorous training,
people, not essays.
all while keeping my involvement secret from friends, since EARS required staff to be anonymous.
On 10pm-3am shifts, I’d speak to students in what were sometimes life-or-death situations.
3 In her introduction, the applicant
noted that she was identified by
The more that EARS became my home, the more I sought to shape this community. In my senior her classmates as “exhibiting the
most passion,” and that passion
year, I became Executive Director, the head of our responder staff. Instead of taking calls twice a
manifests in this paragraph. She
month, I was now on-call half the week—on deck to support staff if they received crisis calls and act reveals that she “chased after
as a liaison with our administration. As I moved from community member to community shaper, community,” authored an extensive
curriculum, could not stop ideating
my love for EARS multiplied. 4
in the margins of her books, and
connected profoundly with others,
In pursuit of my Dulcinea, my love for community, I thought that the best quests were those where all in just two sentences!
I got to shape the communities I loved. I was wrong. I hadn’t yet discovered the distinct thrill that
4 The candidate presents a second
comes from founding a community from scratch. situation in which she joined and
then led, and a third follows in a
later paragraph. Themes are often
proved in threes—three examples
effectively substantiate a point.

After leaving Paraguay in 2009, I’d begun grappling with the fact that my traditional ethnic group,
small as it was, hadn’t always made space for me to equally participate as a woman. I found no place
to explore this intersection, so I decided to create my own. In 2016, I hosted a feminist retreat in
Ithaca, gathering 20 people for a weekend where bible verses and contemporary philosophy were
strewn amongst us, as participants revealed feelings they’d never shared before.
What was supposed to be a one-time retreat turned into a movement. Through Catalysta, I’ve hosted
seven retreats in different locations, reaching 140+ women, and have built a thriving community
that learns together year-round. Every second I work on Catalysta, I’m learning to conquer new
challenges. I have learned how to recruit a staff, developing questions that reveal the strengths
and weaknesses of prospective candidates. I’ve found the words and metrics that make our story
come alive to funders, which has allowed us to increase our grant by 287%. I’ve begun succession
planning for our blossoming community, founding a Board of five and training a team of six Retreat
5 As we noted in our introductory
critique, applicants do not always Leaders. 5
need to write about their work or
even their managerial skills, but
Until Catalysta, I’d pursued existing communities I loved, and then found ways to leave a lasting
they do need to convey values.
In this paragraph, the candidate contribution. This time, I created a community where there once was none. This idea, which was
demonstrates professional once a seed in my mind, is now something people tell me has been “a transformative experience
competence in a community
in their life” or “a major turning point in their growth.” Catalysta has taught me that, as long as my
environment, which also serves
to highlight her passion, intensity, adventures are in the name of my Dulcinea, my love for community, uncharted lands are not to be
respect for her heritage, and love of feared—they are meant to be celebrated.
community.

Lukas: In Matters of Principle, Stand Like
a Rock
Where one finds risk, one can also find reward. Many candidates might hesitate to be as starkly
honest as this applicant is, but as you will learn, “what matters” to this applicant is truth. So, he
forged ahead and laid out in no uncertain terms that his belief system is different from that of
others, in hopes that the Stanford GSB would welcome an unapologetic nonconformist—and it did!
To begin, the applicant shows how his conviction led him to stand against the tide, even at personal
and social cost, in eschewing not only his family’s religion but that of his entire community. Let us
clarify here that the role of the GSB’s admissions committee is not to pass judgment on anyone’s
values or beliefs; the school’s classroom and community have room for believers and atheists
alike (as well as democrats and republicans, and so on). The applicant’s goal in this essay is not to
persuade his reader to become an atheist (that would be a mistake!) but to instead reveal how his
quest for truth has been deeply empowering.
The candidate then provides balance in his essay by demonstrating that he is not a knee-
jerk contrarian but actually seeks challenges to his thought process to advance his personal
perspective. He details how his choice of advisor at his university was founded on his desire to
challenge himself and was ultimately critical in shaping his world view. Then, in the third and
fourth paragraphs, he discusses how his willingness to speak truth to power has manifested
professionally. At his hedge fund, he is unafraid to unabashedly contradict the norm, and in sharing
this, he reveals that his resolute nature is a significant asset because it allows him to uncover
frauds that others do not want to see. A common critique of the MBA is that it inspires dangerous
groupthink, but most people reading this essay would have no such concern with respect to this
applicant, who powerfully shares what matters most to him with remarkable illustrative examples.
By Jeremy Shinewald

In Lithuania, one of the most Catholic countries in the world, it is almost inconceivable for anyone
1 Much is said right from the
opening. The applicant shows that to leave the church. 1 Yet, as I grew older, I increasingly felt that as a person of science, I couldn’t
he is from an underrepresented reconcile being committed to an organization founded broadly on beliefs. Despite a rich tradition
country and creates a mystery,
and the good guidance the church provides, 2 I still felt that to be true to myself I should file for
inspiring the reader to wonder,
Where is this going? Why is he apostasy—a challenging process! Several of my friends refused to be my witnesses and vouch
sharing this fact? An element of for my sanity—in our society one is “insane” to leave the church—because they feared I would be
intrigue draws the reader in.
ostracized. Finally, finding two people who confirmed the thoughtfulness of my choice, I met with
the priest only to hear him reject my deed of will. I had to find his superior to finally get my act
2 The applicant is careful to
acknowledge that the institution stamped and my name removed from the baptismal book. Although I would no longer gain entry to
he is very much at odds with still sacred grounds and could not be married in my country, making my life marginally more difficult
has redeeming qualities. He is
socially, I was nonetheless at peace with myself because I know that there is no price for living by
not trying to alienate anyone but
wants to share just how deeply the truth.
embedded his quest for truth is in
his character.
To me, this is emblematic of my approach to work and life: I have always had strong opinions,
unwavering whether they are aligned with the majority or not. 3 From a young age, my teachers
3 Again, the candidate works
to create a balance in his essay joked that one day I would start a revolution setting Lithuania straight. By the end of high school,
to moderate an approach that my educator asked me if he could resign from applying for highest distinction on my behalf, rather
an outsider might regard as
than start a storm by presenting my candidacy, as not all teachers appreciated my independence as
aggressive. He tries to soften his
image wherever possible. he did. (I actually agreed to his request because grades and titles were confirmations rather than
goals.) Later, while at Vilnius University, I made my approach of a thesis advisor very carefully,
seeking an individual who would strenuously challenge me, because truths must withstand
scrutiny. I found that advisor in Professor Sarkinas, our former chairman of the central bank. He
was known to intimidate, but I just accepted that he pushed students to reconsider their thoughts
and reveled in his constant challenges. Over my four years with him as an advisor, he expanded my
4 The applicant acknowledges
that he is capable of change, which view of economics and my perspective on learning. 4 His most important lesson was not a theorem,
is an important message to an but was about debate and seeking truth: to oppose, one must understand his opponent, at times,
admissions reader.
better than one understands himself.
Equipped with my professor’s wisdom, I have embarked on my career in investment management

by building my brand on independence and truth. When the biggest mobile telecom provider in
the Baltics was going public, I gave an interview about its prospects, wherein I stated that the
IPO was a “smoke screen” to force a higher bid in a parallel private process with a competitor (as
5 Here we have the idiosyncratic
expression “resigned on group synergies in a unified company were far more compelling). Furious, the company excluded me
insurance,” which could be from the IPO, cancelled its road show for me and even resigned on group insurance offered by our
confusing or cumbersome for
parent company. 5 In the end, after its IPO, news surfaced that it in fact was in negotiations with its
a reader, but the admissions
committee does not expect competitor throughout the IPO process, which was intended to inflate its price. Later, in an offering
“perfect” written English from by eight brokerages, an overhyped, fast-growing, Lithuanian financial institution launched its IPO.
non-native English speakers (or
Listening attentively, I understood that its CEO had admitted to two minor fraudulent practices
even from native English speakers,
to be honest). Internationals should during its road show and found its business model simply did not add up. I was certain the firm was
have no fear that minor quirks will a deceit that the market did not want to see. At the time, I was on a road show and was repetitively
preclude them from admission.

asked about that IPO. I answered honestly that the company was a swindle and that management
6 The reason the applicant
would end up in jail—not a popular thing to say! 6 As I write this essay, the company is being can safely make such strong
liquidated and management is in custody, in one of the biggest financial scandals in my country’s accusations (“smoke screen,”
“swindle”) is that they are
history.
ultimately validated by
truths. If they had been
Recently, I visited one of the distributors who asked me for another market presentation. When I unfounded conjecture and left
unsubstantiated, he would look
was about to start my talk, the regional director stood up and said to his colleagues, “Quiet, let’s now
foolhardy rather than wise.
listen to the truth.” Maybe just a brief utterance, but also the most rewarding moment of my career,
when it became clear to me that truth is not a liability, but a way to help and shape reality. 7
7 The applicant never needs to
state outright, “What matters to
me is truth,” because his theme is
rather clear.

Christopher: The Ever Skeptic
You might have heard the guidance “write from your heart” with regard to tackling the Stanford
GSB’s “what matters most” question. I know I have given such advice, and I am confident that my
co-author on this guide has said the same. Implementing this advice, though, can be challenging.
Often, applicants try to accomplish this by resorting to overwrought language or sympathy-
provoking situations, but when they do, the outcome can sometimes be the exact opposite of what
they had desired: rather than gaining the admissions reader’s empathy or respect, the candidate
loses points for likability and credibility. Avoid relying on hefty adjectives and adverbs and
emotional language to emphasize your points, and write simply and directly, focusing on clearly
conveying your thoughts, motivations, and actions. Start inward, speak outward—and do not waste
energy trying to imagine how you will be perceived. To me, that is writing from your heart.
Of course, I mention all this as the precursor to Christopher’s essay because he does indeed seem
to have written from the heart. He alludes to the social difficulties he experienced in elementary
school, but beyond that, there is nothing sad in Christopher’s story, no abundance of adverbs.
Instead, a vivid picture emerges of a thoughtful and earnest individual, someone who repeatedly
returns to one simple question to guide him in his efforts to lead a life of intention.
Note that Christopher makes almost no mention of his day-to-day job or post-MBA goals. Although
an MBA is a professional degree, the schools are adept extrapolating one’s professional potential
from non-career stories. That said, keep in mind the standard disclaimer: what worked for
Christopher might not work for you, and what works for you might not have worked for Christopher.
Figure out “what matters most” to you, and write about it—from the heart.
By Liza Weale

Essay A: What matters most to you, and why? (770 words)
What am I missing? I ask myself this question daily before submitting my answers on LearnedLeague.
com, a head-to-head, invite-only trivia league. I got to “Paris” pretty quickly, but that might be an easy
trap...is Paris really a French name? I parse the question’s wording one more time: “What European
capital is its country’s largest city and also its sixth-most popular name for baby girls?”
A correct answer will not win me praise, a cash prize, or much of anything really. Yet within
my approach to answering that question lies something that I cherish more than any worldly
possession: a persistent, informed skepticism that keeps me asking, what am I missing?
When I was eleven years old, I arrived at Camp Red Hook in southern Ontario with a trunk full of
clothes and a head full of nerves. Back at school, I could hardly open my mouth for fear of a verbal
onslaught from my classmates. Although I now know this hostility was a localized pollutant, it then
appeared to me as universal as oxygen. But at camp, I discovered a previously unknown warmth.
1 Sometimes, less is more—or at
Fellow campers were there to help, not hurt—it was an alien concept. 1 The lasting impact of that least enough. Christopher briefly
summer was not how it changed my worldview but rather the simple fact that it did change my mentions the angst he felt in
school, contrasts it with his positive
worldview so fundamentally. I brought back home the understanding that I should question every
experience at camp, and moves
assumption around me, no matter how axiomatic it might seem. on. We never hear more about
his childhood struggles because,
presumably, they are not the point
I still held onto this concept ten years later as a junior at Wash U. As I was elected president of my
of the essay. Determining just how
co-ed fraternity—a social epicenter for 120 undergraduate students—the issue of sexual assault much detail to provide can be
on college campuses was reaching a fever pitch nationwide. I read article after article, and the difficult, but given the GSB’s limited
word count, always ask yourself
issue seemed distant. I couldn’t imagine our fraternity bearing witness to anything like what had
whether each thing you consider
happened in those stories. But I kept pushing myself on that assumption, and soon it dawned on me including will be additive to your
what I was missing—for each case I read about, there were probably dozens of people who used to thesis. If not, it does not belong.
think what I was thinking: “it could never happen here.”
I wanted to be proactive in preventing such an episode. While many of my decisions were no-
brainers (such as mandating that new members complete advocacy and bystander intervention
2 Notice how Christopher’s
training as part of their pledge semester), I agonized over others. 2 When I stopped a popular word choice here (“agonized”)
initiation rite of passage because I felt it put new members in a vulnerable position, a close friend illustrates how seriously he took
his responsibility as president.
confronted me over “destroying tradition.”
He considered his decisions
from multiple perspectives and
In some ways, I empathized with him. Two years prior, I had gone through that same rite of likely concluded that in some
instances, he would not be able
passage and enjoyed it. Nevertheless, I did not think that it was my job to defend tradition. I felt
to please everyone. Making
a responsibility to look out for every member of the fraternity, not just my close friends. Looking difficult decisions—ones that risk
back, I have even more conviction in my decision, and I believe that my skepticism of the status quo pitting others against you—is a
cornerstone of good leadership,
helped many students feel safer at the fraternity.
and the GSB surely noted this
experience of Christopher’s as good
This skepticism is my lodestar, guiding me towards ways to make an impact, be it in finding reasons training for his future.
to support—or, equally important, object to—an investment opportunity, or in helping to level

the playing field of private equity/hedge fund recruiting. As a candidate myself in this recruiting
process, I fought hard to succeed, seemingly based on merit alone. On the other side of the table,
3 Christopher reveals both pride in
securing a coveted role and chagrin however, I now question the extent of this “meritocracy.” 3 I have observed that the opacity of
when he realizes the advantage the process inherently benefits those with pre-existing industry connections. That dynamic
that positioned him to compete
strikes me as unfair. To address the issue, I started working with Access Distributed as a career
for the role in the first place. What
is appealing about this revelation coach for underrepresented individuals seeking roles in finance and alternative investments.
is that it shows that he is willing Moreover, within my private equity firm, I have pushed the firm to de-emphasize certain technical
to adapt and grow without being
components of the associate interviewing process—requirements that I believe say more about the
constrained by preconceived
ideas—a trait the GSB seeks in its candidates’ connections to the industry than their ability to excel at the job. By questioning the
applicants. existing process, I determined my goal: reduce information asymmetry, so candidates from all
backgrounds can see what the path to success looks like.
As I sift through my knowledge of European capital cities, a small voice in my head tells me to just
settle for my original guess. I ignore it. Ignoring it so far has defined my most important decisions.
What matters most to me is that I continue to drown it out with that same, simple question: what am
I missing?
4 Christopher’s trivia question

serves as an effective tool to After a few minutes of focus, I complete my mental list, type “Sofia” and click submit. 4
bookend his essay, encapsulating
who he is at his core. The
question is also clever, a nice
by-product—but nothing more.
First and foremost, focus on
communicating who you are in
this essay, not on trying to impress
the admissions committee with
humor, outlandishness, or in this
case, cleverness. The question
works for Christopher because it
corroborates his thesis without
being distracting. And it is a rather
lighthearted complement to the
otherwise earnest nature of the rest
of the essay.

William: Increments (Everywhere!) Add Up!
When we think about private equity applicants, we naturally think of the person who drives the
analysis that results in a firm making a large investment. In this case, however, the candidate
humbly plays against type, recognizing that most applicants can tell a deal story (which makes
such stories difficult to distinguish), but relatively few can tell the story of driving tangible change
at a portfolio company. And even at the portfolio company, this candidate plays against type,
succeeding not with a take-charge attitude but by humbly proving himself in an attempt to make
himself valuable to his team. By the end of his introductory paragraph, he has shared a story of
going beyond expectations to drive real results—his work is foundational to a potential high-profile
IPO—but his deferential style is the “star” of his story.
He cleverly inverts his narrative, offering first a recent example and then delving into his history
of fully committing himself and driving incremental but additive change. Indeed, at the Yale Daily
News and again at a boutique investment bank, two institutions with well-defined approaches
and cultures, the applicant’s impact is felt—he leaves his imprint. In creating his theme, he does
not merely share three instances in which he succeeded. Instead, he demonstrates that he can
flex different “muscles,” as the outsider who gains buy-in, the insider who drives change, and the
junior team member who is unafraid to stand up for others. By offering different windows into his
experience, he holds the reader’s attention while also proving the sincerity of his theme.
By Jeremy Shinewald

When Epic Games needed help finalizing their business model for a critical new product, I jumped
at the chance to partner with the portfolio company. While KKR’s in-house consultants typically
tackled operational staffings, another investor and I volunteered—we’d been believers in Epic from
the start and were eager to help the company fulfil its potential—and eventually spent almost a
month on-site. The Epic team was skeptical of our presence initially, assuming we’d add little or
run roughshod over their prior work. However, we gradually won them over by leveraging our
resources—engaging with industry experts and public investors, surveying users, modeling out
different structures—to provide complementary perspectives that advanced the offering rather
than trying to impose a vision of our own. Going the extra mile behind the scenes helped Epic
build buy-in around the path forward; having proven ourselves additive partners, the company has
since proactively sought our input. Today, our work remains key to Epic’s narrative—the product in
question touches millions of end-users monthly and EPIC is among the market’s most-anticipated
IPOs; our efforts proactively pursuing and diplomatically resolving key hurdles remain a point of
pride.
My desire to identify and drive opportunities for incremental improvement—tackling them head-on
rather than maintaining arms-length detachment—first came into play while an editor at The Yale
1 Most candidates take a
chronological approach in their Daily News. 1 The Daily wasn’t immune to broader print media headwinds, but the organization has
essay, but this applicant shares been stuck in place for years; when reforms were proposed, biannual leadership changes limited
his most recent experience first
follow-through. Spending 40+ hours weekly at the paper was already all-consuming, but it mattered
and then transitions to an earlier
formative experience. By first intensely to me that The Daily News be a relevant and thriving platform for campus voices. After
sharing his “mature” self, he gives consulting extensively with Daily editors, faculty members and journalists at other college papers,
the reader a current view of who
a small group of peers and I created a long-term roadmap that we pitched to junior contributors
he is and potentially breaks from
the repetitiveness that might have and then implemented over two years. 2 Some changes were obvious, like rebuilding our online
prevented him from holding the presence and adopting a web-first mentality; some were transformational, like revamping our
reader’s attention.
talent development through new investigative beats and writer “tracks” or replacing Friday
broadsheets with themed tabloid editions. By cultivating buy-in across the paper from the start, we
2 The applicant lets his impressive
efforts speak for themselves. revived The Daily’s relevance—in terms of content and participation—in an enduring way.
He does not need to pepper his
essay with adjectives to prove
While banking remains worlds away from student journalism, lessons learned in reforming The
how fully he committed himself.
He has no need to write, “I Daily News’s entrenched status quo were essential when mediating rampant discontent amongst
began an exhaustive effort to my analyst peers shortly before leaving Moelis. Most of us were due to depart within months, but
solicit feedback…” because his
an ever-growing mountain of work pushed some to the brink; with little to play for, some analysts
exhaustiveness is very clear.
would habitually ignore work requests, and arguments with frustrated seniors would erupt
almost spontaneously. We’d floated work-life balance initiatives like protected weekends—popular
elsewhere—to one partner but were immediately shot down. Finally, I convened the analyst group
and persuaded them to settle on a limited number of tangible and attainable initiatives (assigning
new staffings earlier in the week, using project mailing lists, etc.); I then led conversations with
our superiors (including senior bankers flying in from New York) advocating for our proposals. By
engaging constructively and collectively, we earned support for our proposals and for recurring

check-ins—still observed today—to head off future issues. My peers and I left Moelis shortly after;
but, by stepping up to drive change even with little to personally gain, we’d created a positive legacy
3 This is a powerful anecdote.
for those that followed. 3 Countless analysts have completed
the traditional two-year program
without making any effort to
Across KKR, Moelis and The Daily News, I’ve thrown myself into executing on my role at the
change or improve it. This applicant
highest level. Even so, I take more pride in having moved these organizations forward more broadly has “little to personally gain,” as he
through leveraging an insider’s perspective, applying both curiosity and critical evaluation and notes, but he cannot help but think
of his peers and the organization
then cultivating consensus towards shared goals. Going beyond my role has proven challenging at
in again raising his hand. With this
times; but keeping the bigger picture in mind and then committing fully has helped me drive more story, the applicant reveals that he
enduring and holistic change. 4 is driven by altruistic values that

are largely atypical for banking.
Again, playing against type, he
succeeds.
4 A favorite point of mine, this

applicant never explicitly states,
“What matters most to me is….” He
clearly buys in and drives change.
We do not need him to declare this
outright for us to understand!

Dylan: Uber Growth
Is the Stanford GSB expecting its applicants to be perfect human beings—free of faults, doubts,
fears? In a word, No. And this applicant proves our point by writing thoughtfully about the very
opposite of these themes. He crafts a raw and honest essay about experiencing doubt and learning
to manage uncertainty, even learning to appreciate uncertainty and move toward it rather than
away. Why might such a candidate appeal to the GSB, the most selective program in the world?
Because the school understands that leaders are not superheroes but contemplative individuals
who solve problems and grow from their experiences. This applicant tells just such a story.
In his story, he finds himself bested not by a brash 50-year-old managing director but by a stubborn
seventh grader—an interesting foil, to be sure. He discusses Javier’s troubles as a way of opening
the door to sharing his own difficulties and rising uncertainties, until they reach a touching
dénouement. While this approach carries the risk of the essay becoming too much about Javier,
rather than the applicant, the story’s takeaways are clear enough and the impact strong enough
that Javier serves as an effective mirror, without stealing the show altogether.
Of course, simply sharing the cause of his greater self-awareness (his experience with Javier) is not
enough—the candidate needs to let the admissions reader know the subsequent effect as well.
To accomplish this, he reveals how he grew in his professional life after Teach for America (TFA),
learning to “nurture” his willingness to repeatedly push himself out of his comfort zone at Uber.
He offers several examples to prove his point, including leaping into management, switching roles,
and collaborating with those who are senior to him at client firms. We always advise clients to avoid
clichés because… well, they are clichés. But in this essay, the applicant cleverly references the
“comfort zone” cliché (and notes how “tired” it is) without actually relying on it. And in the end, he
does not need to; he writes with such honesty and reflection that we experience sincerity rather
than mawkishness.
By Jeremy Shinewald

When I joined TFA, I believed two things: that the work was important and that it would not be
easy. I had faced challenges before, some of which were similar to those my TFA students had
faced (namely, growing up in a single-father household as an only child). Still, I approached this
undertaking with the sort of tacit optimism that one develops after going too long without facing
1 The applicant’s tone, bold and
true failure. My confidence, however, would not last long. 1 confident while also honest and
self-effacing, is refreshing to an
admissions reader who often
Of my seemingly innumerable seventh graders, Javier was perhaps the most reticent. Initially, he
encounters candidates reluctant
did just about everything that could be expected of a student. Despite a strong start to the year, to portray themselves as anything
Javier, he soon began to struggle. At first, he was just tardy and missed homework. But, then Javier other than perfect.
began writing threats of self-harm, and I didn’t know what to do. As Javier spent more time in the
counselor’s office and less in class, I worked with his mom and a translator to discover the cause of
his suffering. Nothing at home had changed, nobody knew what was wrong, and Javier refused to
talk. So, I began keeping Javier in class for lunch. While others worked on reflection papers, Javier
would glower at me and occasionally tell me that he hated me. At a loss for words myself, my reply
2 The applicant plainly reveals
was always the same: “I’m here for you. Let me know how I can help.” 2 empathy, a trait that admissions
officers and recruiters alike are
eager to see, and he does so
Months later, after dozens of lunches, Javier gradually began turning in homework. He stopped
effectively by offering sincere
acting out and began participating. The menacing notes came to an end. On my birthday, he even examples, such as this one.
gave me a present and, on the last day of school, he handed me a folded-up note:
“I know the whole year I gave you disrespect... I’m sorry. I don’t hate you—I love you. You helped me
3 The candidate wisely shares the
get through this year. You need to be here next year so I have a reason to get through the summer.” 3 exact wording of the student’s
note rather than “cleaning up” the
verbiage. Admissions readers are
After months of quiet anguish, Javier had prevailed, and my own anguish over his wellbeing and
not concerned with a third party’s
whether I had acted capably was replaced with a cautious sense of relief. Then, in September, Javier grammar! “I gave you disrespect”
returned to school as a studious, extroverted, and openly gay eighth-grader. provides a window into the mind of
this seventh grader and helps evoke
the challenges of the classroom.
Until my TFA experience commenced, I had always believed in my ability to “step outside my The rawness of Javier’s message
comfort zone.” But that bromide was just as tired as it was untrue. Never before had I felt such a makes our applicant’s experience
real.
persistent sense of uncertainty, nor had I really witnessed the kinds of hardships that so many
of my students faced. I had entered into my TFA term with my own idea of “discomfort,” but my
4 Throughout this paragraph, we
expectation of it was no match for the real thing. 4 And as much as I thought myself a teacher, I have a refreshing honesty that
ended up learning more than I taught. I learned what it was like to face real doubt and overcome it, engenders confidence in the reader
that the applicant is capable of
and ironically the one who taught me most was Javier. He had battled tirelessly against an invisible
being part of an open, engaged
force his seventh-grade year, and whatever the cause, it resulted in an incredible leap of faith: his community.
coming out.
The most important thing to me is the willingness to be comfortable with uncertainty, and I
nurture it as much as I can. Since that first year of teaching, I have had numerous opportunities to
exercise my newfound muscle. These moments have taken different shapes—some professional,

many personal. But perhaps none has had a greater effect on my path than my decision to join a
budding start-up and sail into the unchartered waters of the rideshare world. My time at Uber has
been anything but conventional, and I’ve unlearned my old habit of seeking certainty in times of
doubt. Instead, I have grown to welcome the unknown with open arms. I hardly felt comfortable
as a 24-year-old managing dozens of full-time workers who looked to me for a plan and a paycheck,
but I made peace with that doubt. I had little experience in B2B partnerships, when Uber pivoted
my team from driver acquisition to business development, but I embraced the new and unfamiliar
responsibility and found ways to apply my prior learnings in a new context. And there are times
now that I feel out of my element, as I meet with CFOs of national businesses who want to work with
Uber. But I have accepted that uneasiness and even look forward to it. At every step of my path, I
carry with me the belief that we are each more capable than we may give ourselves credit for at any
5 Here at the end, the applicant
notes the irony of how his given moment, and I am better for it. 5
uncertainty ultimately led to
strength and to faith in his
capabilities. In turning the typical
view of an MBA as “brash” or
“aggressive” on its head, the
candidate nonetheless shows that
he has been empowered.

Felix: Dearest Curiosity
In 2019, the Stanford GSB introduced an optional short-answer question: Think about times you’ve
created a positive impact, whether in professional, extracurricular, academic, or other settings. What
was your impact? What made it significant to you or to others? (Applicants can share up to three
different examples, each up to 1200 characters.) The GSB has long stressed that its “what matters
most” prompt is not intended to capture a laundry list of accomplishments or results. By adding
a question related to stories of impact, the school gives applicants a dedicated spot for such
mentions, making it easier to focus “what matters most” on their motivations, decisions, hopes,
and passions. Even if we did not know when Felix applied (we do—we asked for that information
when collecting essays), we would have guessed he had submitted his essay after the school’s new
optional question had been introduced. Why? Because in his essay, he makes no mention of any
impact whatsoever or even much of an achievement. The essay reads more as an ode to curiosity,
and it is chock full of specific moments when his curiosity led to new knowledge and adventures.
Given that the GSB’s motto is “Change lives. Change organizations. Change the world,” completely
forgoing any mention of impact and accomplishments in this essay is a bold move. Most
applicants are nervous that leaving out such evidence would do little to convince the GSB that
they are a worthy candidate. (And still others overcompensate and stuff their essays with as many
accomplishments as they can think of. We have included no such essays in this book, so you can
probably guess how well that strategy generally works out.) Yet Felix confidently focuses on the
question the GSB asks, and his details and anecdotes leave us with little doubt that curiosity is his
driving force.
Keep in mind that if what matters to you most does not lead directly to impact and
accomplishments, that is okay (Felix’s essay and his subsequent acceptance are proof!), but we
strongly recommend that you use the school’s three short optional questions about impact to
demonstrate that you are equally capable of changing the world around you, not just yourself.
By Liza Weale

“Why are you still up?” my befuddled mother asked me, noticing the light still on in my room. “Are
you still doing homework? It’s almost 2:00 am.”
“No,” I replied. “Just reading about how soap works on Wikipedia”. Noticing the confused look on
her face, I continued. “I was showering this morning and I realized that I never really understood
what soap does to make people clean... now I think it makes sense but I got pulled into other topics
along the way.” Realizing I would require an intervention if I were to ever make it into bed that
night, my mother put the brakes on my research and bid me to sleep.
I became much more aware of the value of sleep after graduating from high school, but my curiosity
never waned. As soon as I realize that there’s something out there that I don’t understand to my
own level of satisfaction (which is admittedly quite subjective), I type it into a handy notes app on
my phone and spend the next bit of downtime I have looking it up online (Quora has become my
favorite website). I’ve learned about many things following this process, ranging from the reasons
why Pluto is no longer a planet to the impact that using lead as a sweetener for food has had on
1 Felix’s aside about the former
use of lead brings his passion for past societies (some say it played a key role in the downfall of the Roman Empire!). 1 While an
accruing tidbits of knowledge innate curiosity underlies my thirst for understanding, it was catalyzed by the many instances in
to life. An added plus is that it
my childhood where a well-timed question led to a fascinating story. One of my favorite memories
is an interesting factoid that an
admissions reader is unlikely to is of a time when I asked my mother why so many countries south of the United States spoke
already know! Spanish. She responded by driving to the local library and picking up a kid-friendly book on the
Conquistadors, which contained some incredible and inspiring tales.
Along the way, however, there were a handful of key moments in which I have had to fight to feed
my curiosity, so that it could continue to feed me. One such moment occurred during college,
when I had to overcome several significant challenges to join a program to study abroad in both
Scandinavia and Eastern Europe, an opportunity to be gloriously bombarded with the answers to
so many questions I had yet to even form. The greatest challenge was that the program was cost-
prohibitive—while I was attending undergrad on a full scholarship, the cost of living in Europe for
2 Although we do not have the
benefit of seeing Felix’s entire four months exceeded that of standard tuition. Another challenge was admittedly self- imposed—I
application, his wording here was enrolled in two majors and a minor, which left no room for a semester in which I would take
suggests that his GPA is lower
mostly elective credits. I managed to overcome both: the first, by increasing the average number of
than he would like—and perhaps
lower than the GSB would like! hours that I worked weekly at my college job from 16 to 24 over my final two years; the second, by
Addressing such “red flags” (e.g., a averaging over 18 credits in my final 5 semesters. These were real sacrifices—I gave up quite a bit of
low GPA or GMAT score) in an essay
socializing for work, and my consistently high course load did no favors for my GPA. 2 Would I do it
can be risky, especially if the red
flag is unrelated to your thesis. again? Absolutely.
However, once you have figured
out what truly matters most to you,
The addictive nature of my curiosity has taken me many places. Since my study abroad experience,
if the red flag in question relates
in some meaningful way to your I have continued to visit 4-8 countries a year, always spending months in advance researching how
topic (as the low GPA does for Felix), I can learn the most from the experience. In Accra, Ghana, this meant hiring a guide who had
including it is fine. Otherwise, save
spent much of his life in neighboring Ivory Coast and who could therefore explain to me how two
it for the “additional information”
section of the application.

countries so close in proximity had such different cultures. In Vietnam, it meant studying up on the
history of colonialism and oppression and the origins of the Vietnam War. Most recently, though,
my search has taken me in a different direction—inward. On the recommendation of a friend I
completed the 100 Day Journaling Challenge, a challenge that generates a new question daily, each
designed to prompt deep reflection. This endeavor left me with a far greater understanding of
myself—for example, I’ve learned that I have a tendency to hold others to a higher standard than
3 Notice the shift here. The rest of
is fair. 3 In order to build and maintain stronger relationships, I’ve begun working on interpreting the essay focuses on Felix learning
others’ actions more charitably and acknowledging that we all make occasional mistakes. more about the world around
him, but by mentioning this 100
Day Journaling Challenge, Felix
Over the years, I’ve found deep fulfillment in learning much about the world and about myself. I’ll communicates that he is also open
keep nurturing my curiosity to continue discovering, growing, and connecting at GSB and beyond. to learning about himself, even his
flaws. A willingness to recognize
and then work to mitigate
your shortcomings is a sign of
self-awareness, a trait the GSB
admissions committee values.

Juan: Skating into the Digital Future
More than the other sample essays we offer in this guide, this one concerns the applicant’s
career. However, the candidate has taken this approach not as a way of revealing his professional
accomplishments but rather to provide a kind of backdrop that in turn reveals a deep sense of
purpose. Although he ultimately discusses his journey from amateur hockey player to internal
consultant at the National Hockey League (NHL), the essay itself is more about finding meaning in
his work and a place where he can make a significant impact. This candidate is skilled in that he is
able to play with time sequences, starting with an engaging, albeit lonely, image of himself as an
uninspired consultant before relaunching the story of his youthful love of hockey, which ultimately
led to his fortuitous engagement with the NHL. Sharing the challenging aspects of his story
allows the applicant to connect with the admissions reader and emphasize how he has found his
calling. The reader thereby understands that the candidate knows himself well enough to choose
environments in which he will succeed. Although this applicant has been fortunate to work with a
cutting-edge product, online gaming, the underlying theme of finding one’s passion, not the kind of
work involved, is what is important. And that theme is universal—anyone from a banker to a florist
can find their way. At its core, this essay is not about a profession but about a mind-set.
By Jeremy Shinewald

I sat alone one Saturday night in a boardroom in Eastern Oregon, miles from home, my laptop
1 For a moment, take a step back
lighting the room. 1 I was painstakingly reviewing a complex spreadsheet of household energy and ask yourself how this essay
consumption data, cell by cell. “Why am I doing this to myself? For remote transmission lines?” would read if it had an introduction
like “What is most important to me
The head engineer of a private- equity-owned wind farm—our BCG client—stopped by to check if
is experiencing the moment and
my model had finished calculating. “Thirty minutes,” I told her. “Hey, will anywhere in town be being capable of change. As I sat
showing the New York Rangers game tonight?” I asked. She just smiled and walked away. 2 alone....” It would be stilted and
possibly even condescending to
the reader.
I felt dejected. I’d felt that way before, during my summer at JP Morgan, standing alone in the
printing room at 3 a.m., binding decks for a paper mill merger that wouldn’t affect my life in
2 The applicant describes a setback
the least. And, even earlier, at the Greater New York Scholastic Chess Championships. After my he experienced on his way to
opponent tipped his king, awarding us the team trophy, my coach said I’d qualified to learn from a discovering his true professional
calling, and this is okay. You do not
Grandmaster. But all I heard was isolation; I just wanted to be out on the ice.
need to shy away from showing
your “human” side—the admissions
I played hockey obsessively growing up, using it to find community in a childhood that included committee is not expecting
flawlessness! Also, the narrative
moves from Sweden to Montreal to New York—and my parents’ divorce. Every chance I got, I’d
approach the candidate uses makes
escape to a nearby rink, where I’d spend hours skating with local kids. Thankfully, I became skilled the anecdote engaging and creates
enough to be an assistant captain on a state championship team. I dreamed of playing in college, a compelling beginning to his essay.
until a freak accident ended those hopes. I still remember the sound of my Achilles tearing as I
slid off a mogul, my legs twisting painfully. (Yep, my hockey career ended on a totally different icy
surface!) More agonizing than rehab was a loss of identity and a fear I might never recover the
camaraderie I’d come to cherish.
Still, I never lost hope that I’d return to sports. I just didn’t know how. I reengaged with hockey
in college, developing a regression model that predicted seasonal NHL outcomes 9% more
accurately than Vegas odds. I took my findings to the Penn State Sports Analytics Conference but,
unfortunately, found no route to the NHL leaving college. Instead, I joined BCG, where I enjoyed
engaging my analytical skills amid bright peers yet yearned for something more fulfilling.
Ultimately, opportunity knocked when I won a meeting with the NHL’s chief strategy officer at a
3 The applicant’s having had 12
Cornell alumni event. We met for coffee and, after twelve interviews, 3 I joined the NHL’s in-house interviews before being hired
consulting group, where I would apply strategy and analytics on a product that means so much to is actually a positive point,
rather than a negative one. The
me.
admissions reader will not interpret
this to mean that the NHL was
At the NHL, I have had the leeway to pick projects that directly affect my fellow fans. I analyzed hesitant about hiring him but
instead that the league is diligent
our ticketing strategy leaguewide and, at the Tampa Bay All-Star Game, proved my hypothesis that
and thorough when selecting
we could optimize seating maps to drive additional revenues. We now sell tens of thousands more employees and that the applicant
tickets at fan-friendly prices and even offer concessions with some tickets, making the games more was focused and dedicated to the
opportunity.
accessible to families, while charging more for undervalued seats along the aisles. More recently,
the NHL executive team has been considering my ideas to create fan overflow events outside
stadiums—the math proves that fans want to be part of “something” but don’t need to literally be
on-site. I hope this drives greater family engagement and increases youth participation. It’s been

rewarding to work on problems that have quantifiable impact and put smiles on people’s faces—
including my own.
Even better, I am now building a product I love, ushering in a new era for the NHL. I was promoted
to lead our business strategy as we launch a professional video game league, thereby democratizing
video games. Through feedback metrics we built into the “NHL ’18” game, we can identify the
4 Having fun with language is
welcome in your application world’s best players—er, “athletes” 4—and collaborate with them to launch their own “franchises”
essays. This applicant is confident (including team names and logos), bringing external viewers into our competitive online structure.
in his voice and shares a minor joke
As we engage players and fans in countries that don’t even have ice and negotiate sponsorship deals
with the admissions committee.
Of course, his goal is not to amuse in countries where you cannot even buy skates, my sense is that we just might redefine the game
the reader but rather to give some I love. Who knows? We may even change the athletic careers kids dream of. When I was a kid,
indication of his personality.
all I dreamed about was the NHL, but now, I dream about immersing myself in an environment
populated by talented professionals pursuing exciting goals that affect others. Don’t tell my boss,
but I’d happily do this for free.

Seb: Flattening the Field
In this example, the applicant, Seb, gets immediately to the heart of things, proclaiming “what
matters” to him in the very first sentence. He then uses the rest of his essay to explain who
influenced this inner force of his and how he has continued to use it for change. Seb acknowledges
that his parents’ guidance (plus some well-intended coercion) ensured he would appreciate
the rewards of hard work. He then finds delight in pushing others to discover those rewards for
themselves as he works toward building a tutoring service that spans two cities and involves more
than 100 students. Seb later multiplies his impact, as a consultant advising South Africa on its
educational initiatives.
Note that as explicit as Seb is in his declaration of “what matters most” to him, he never articulates
a direct answer to the second part of the Stanford GSB’s question—the “why.” Yet the reader can
infer the “why” (in Seb’s case, his parents’ journey and their effort to give him the tools he would
need to keep going, plus the joy he finds in sharing those tools with others) even without his
spelling it out. Sometimes, applicants worry that they are not answering the “why” directly. But
quite honestly, the truth is that pinpointing the exact reasons we are who we are is not easy. If you
use this essay to explore the influences and moments that most shaped you, rest assured that you
will likely end up naturally addressing the “why!”
By Liza Weale

1 The concept of “leveling the

playing field” (or rather, in Seb’s What matters most to me is flattening the field for the deserving and underprivileged. 1 Allow me to
words, “flattening the field”) is explain.
quite cliché. So, should Seb have
avoided using it? Although we
generally advise applicants to Consider a soccer field: a grass area with a goal on each side. Now tilt it; one team strolls downhill
tell their story in their own words to score and the other team kicks through a strenuous incline. 2 This field is, unfortunately, a
rather than relying on clichés, your
representation of life—some people are born on top, “team A,” scoring effortless goals, with basic
“what matters most” does not need
to reveal original thought—that life needs easily provided, and some people are born on the bottom, “team B,” having a tough climb
is far from the GSB’s intention in to sustain the game, with an unclear life path ahead.
posing its question. Instead, the
admissions committee hopes to
discover the stories, experiences, My parents grew up on “team B” in the Ivory Coast with very scarce financial resources, and
and reflection that you and only whatever they had saved, they lost in the economic turmoil of the late 80s. However, a strong
you can share, and that is anything
sense of belief helped them persevere and mark their first arduous steps moving up the field: They
but cliché.
relocated to Kumasi in next door Ghana, learned a new language, and continued their climb.
2 Although the expression “leveling

the playing field” needs no Fast-forward 13 years and they had a skeptical teenage son. I was an average student with no
explanation, we still appreciate ambition to make it to “team A.” My parents thought otherwise and grounded me for a month to
Seb’s simple and effective
improve my grades. I ended up ranking 1st in my fifth-grade class. While I did not quite realize it at
illustration of how he envisions it.
Defining “team A” and “team B” the time, I saw firsthand how pushing someone to reach their hidden potential can go a long way.
also provides a construct that Seb I have been climbing up the field ever since. From supporting three mentees to reaching 150,000
uses effectively throughout the rest
students, my experiences with others have largely shaped my successful climb to date. Let me walk
of the essay.
you through these milestones. 3
3 Note that both here and in

Seb’s first paragraph, he speaks At age 14, our school mandated that each student take part in a community service initiative. I
directly to the admissions reader. signed up for tutoring and was assigned three underprivileged children; I figured I had nothing
This writing device is technically
to lose. Once I met Eli, a talented child who was never directed properly, I was hooked. Over the
called an “authorial intrusion,”
but regardless of the formality course of six months, I spotted many students from “team B” that I began recruiting coaches to
of the name, we find that it can help. I wanted to guide as many as possible, just like my parents guided me.
help some candidates better
express themselves because they
feel as though they are talking to I went on to tutor and coach 20+ students throughout my academic years in high school and
someone. Overusing this tactic undergraduate studies, helping them to cement year-on-year progress. To further increase reach
would become distracting and
and impact in my community, I played a key role in the establishment of the “Joy of Learning”
gimmicky, but limited use does not
detract from the essay’s power. Center, supporting 50+ students, in Kumasi and soon another 100 in Accra. I defined the center’s
core tutoring offerings, ran a marketing and branding initiative, and supported teacher recruitment
efforts. I also remained as the founders’ trusted advisor and tutored on select Saturdays. In doing
so, I got my first taste of an education business venture. We witnessed students making it to their
dream schools, and we even received gifts from the radiant parents on Teacher’s day. Unfortunately,
our center shut down in Spring 2018 due to a lack of available staff. Supporting the next generation
was invigorating and more than just helping children and families, it also significantly helped my
family. My parents could not come close to affording college tuition—tutoring was my saving grace.

At McBainery Consulting, I continued pursuing my passion for pushing people forward through
my appointment as the cohort leader of 40+ analysts by coaching new juniors and liaising with
leadership to drive change. More importantly, I have been a core member of the education practice
and was recently charged with an inspirational project: the government of South Africa established
a nonprofit organization to provide access to quality education for gifted students, regardless of
financial status. Its main cause was to support 150,000+ strong students identified from “team B,”
and we were tasked with developing its nation-wide five-year strategy. As I led and mobilized a
team of client personnel, we had a single goal: Create the new and unexpected leaders of tomorrow.
4 In this paragraph, Seb again
The 150,000 “Eli”s 4 expanded our horizon to novel concerns about the programs, and the 15-year mentions “team B” and “Eli.”
old that I met, with enough skills to create a self-stabilizing drone, was proof that they can make In doing so, he reinforces the
connection and relationship
it. Inspired, we innovated leading-edge identification methods and programs by collaborating
between these different stories,
with educational leaders and global experts. Moreover, personally presenting the social impact ensuring that the admissions
assessment of the programs to the highest-level decision-makers was not only awe-inspiring to reader takes away from his essay
the ideas he intended to convey.
the organization, but to me as well. We made a lasting impact: The students had better skills and
career prospects, and their families were better off. Equipped with world-class knowledge, I was
galvanized to introduce similar programs elsewhere.
I am now certain that I want to level the field for all students who are just like my younger self.

Yamin: Serendipity in Ukraine
Sometimes the story of a standalone event can convey far more than a series of vignettes, as this
essay proves. Via a single anecdote about a charitable initiative, we learn that the applicant is
curious, adventurous, socially responsible, entrepreneurial, team oriented, creative, resourceful,
and philosophical. Although limited in scope to one lengthy narrative about a solitary event, the
essay leaves an indelible impression on the reader. This is in part because the experience the
applicant recounts was so powerful, and also because he is thorough in describing the various
steps of his journey. You will note that in this essay, the applicant completely eschews discussing his
professional background—this could have been written by any candidate who lived this experience,
regardless of their chosen career. Further, this is not simply a story of “do-goodism”; although
charitable work is inherently worthy and can often be good fodder for “What matters?” essays,
merely being active in your community does not automatically mean you have an impressive story
to tell. This individual lived every moment of this event with intensity and spirit, and his vibrancy
and enthusiasm practically leap off the page, ultimately making the desired impression.
By Jeremy Shinewald

1 Referencing religious activities

A poster on my synagogue’s 1 bulletin board proclaimed, “Lead Passover Seders in Rural Ukraine.” in your essay is completely
Seeing it, I joked to my friend, “If I had a nickel for every time I saw a poster like that...” But the idea acceptable, as long as doing so
informs the admissions reader
stuck with me, so I attended an information session and learned that many Jewish communities in
about you, rather than the religion.
Ukraine were so remote that even though the Iron Curtain had fallen years ago, no one had helped In other words, this is not the place
restore the Jewish customs that were lost during the years of Soviet oppression. This included the to proselytize, but your essay can
be an opportunity to show how
traditional Passover Seder, which recounts the story of Moses and celebrates freedom. I signed up
religion inspires you to make an
on the spot. Although I would miss celebrating Passover with my family that year, I simply could not impact on the world around you.
pass up the opportunity to join other young Jewish professionals from around the world to lead and Note that this mention actually
provides more of a sense of the
teach the Seder rituals in Ukraine.2
applicant’s community orientation
than his level of religiosity.
I began meeting virtually with the three other members of my team, a dentist from Detroit, a
2 This candidate’s essay slightly
journalist from Seattle, and a programmer from Tel Aviv. We all excitedly discussed ways to make exceeds the Stanford GSB’s
the Seder inclusive, educational, and joyous. We realized that because the event is conducted in recommendation (at the time) of
750 words, but not by very much.
Hebrew and Aramaic— languages largely foreign to our Seder attendees—we needed to convey the
And as noted earlier in this guide,
story in “languages” all could understand: charades, videos, and music. up to 50 words over or under that
target is acceptable.
Over several planning sessions, our excitement grew so much that we committed to raising the
$15,000 needed for our trip ourselves, even though our respective synagogues had offered us
grants. We invited our friends and family to attend an online rehearsal Seder via Zoom, a remote
conferencing system. Maybe it was the event’s novelty or just the kindness of others, but we
ultimately attracted 400 participants. As we co-moderated the Seder, our at-home guests drank the
ceremonial four cups of wine, ate bitter herbs, and watched us act out the story. We also explained
our upcoming adventure and succeeded in raising more than $20,000 (we would donate the extra
$5,000 to needy Ukrainian communities). To say our excitement had built to a frenzy would be an
understatement.
Finally, after an 18-hour journey, I landed in Kiev in time for Passover. My team was waiting for
3 MBA admissions officers like to
me in the terminal, and we hugged like old friends. After posing for a quick picture, we leapt into see that applicants are willing to
a rickety van packed with boxes of wine, matzah, horseradish, gefilte fish, and other traditional roll up their sleeves and get dirty—
sometimes literally! They want to
materials. We were headed to Korchov to lead four Seders in two days. Oleg, our driver, warned us
know that a candidate does not
that because the town was so remote, we would be traveling mostly on gravel and dirt roads and to feel entitled or above doing certain
expect a bumpy ride. Although he did his best to avoid potholes, after just an hour, I was helping kinds of work. Describing this part
of the story not only enriches the
Oleg jack up the van and change a tire. 3 Still, our excitement never waned.
narrative but also demonstrates
that the applicant is not the type to
As we drove along, we seemed to almost be moving back in time. We passed women in fields with sit back and let others do the less
attractive tasks that come along.
scythes, gathering wheat by hand, and countless buildings in various states of disrepair. Our hotel
had no heat or hot water (March is cold in Ukraine!) 4 and clearly hadn’t been updated in decades. In
4 This somewhat playful
all our excitement, we had never stopped to consider the full reality of our destination. By the time interjection gives the admissions
we boarded the van to the nearby Jewish community center, our enthusiasm had been tempered by reader a sense of the applicant’s
personality and shows that he is
a newfound collective nervousness.
able to find humor in challenging
situations.

When we opened the community center doors, we saw a ten-piece klezmer band playing “Hevenu
Shalom Aleichem” (“We Bring Peace to You”), a large auditorium decorated with balloons and
streamers, and a massive table, arranged into a horseshoe and set for sixty people. In the middle
were four huge stuffed chairs with our names on them. The community members suddenly began
hugging and kissing us on both cheeks while thanking us for coming—some in English, some in
Hebrew, some in Russian. Then, an impromptu horah broke out, and we were dancing with our
hosts. As I whirled around the hall, I couldn’t believe I had had even a moment of hesitation.
5 Interestingly, after all the

descriptive lead-up, the applicant Ultimately, the Seders we led were not what really mattered. 5 The spirit of togetherness and
does not actually talk about the the celebration of life that had erupted upon our arrival set the tone for a profound connection
Seders themselves. Although
between human beings. Through this spontaneous display of joy, brotherhood, and free spirit, we,
this decision might seem odd or
surprising, the truth is that his story as a group, witnessed the true essence of life. I could never do justice to the feelings that evening
is not really about the Seders but generated in my heart—and still does—but it revolutionized my understanding of life’s possibilities.
about connecting with others—and
I learned that intense emotions and experiences have great intrinsic value, and although they
the climax of that story occurs the
moment the doors of the center cannot be artificially created, they can be entered into through open-mindedness and a willingness
open. to live in the present. 6
6 The applicant has switched from

recounting his narrative to viewing
it philosophically, illuminating
its impact. This reflection reveals
that the candidate is thoughtful
and self-aware, and without it, the
reader might not fully grasp why the
experience was so meaningful for
him. This way, he is able to convey
its significance without ever saying
outright, “What is most important
to me is....”

HBS AND
STANFORD GSB
ESSAY PAIRS AND
CRITIQUES

Mort: Slay the Digital Beast and Live Again!
HBS Version
This essay is a bit of a hybrid in that it focuses primarily on a single anecdote that ultimately
reveals itself to be a critical inflection point in the candidate’s life. What is interesting about this
story is that it is professionally agnostic. The individual notes that he works in media, but the
professional information he provides is sparse and serves only as background; he could just as
easily be a consultant, private equity associate, architect, social worker, or musician. His story is
not about professional accomplishment but about engagement, awareness, change, and growth.
The candidate uses an honest and at times self-effacing tone that some might feel occasionally
borders on too honest. With regard to voice, everyone has to find their comfort zone, and for
this individual, that includes using some sarcasm and humor. In the end, the reader gains a clear
sense of this applicant’s personality and values, and even some of his personal and professional
accomplishments, but most of all, the reader understands that he has a strong sense of self.
Notably, this candidate uses a very straightforward narrative structure, beginning with his first
sentence: “The morning after serving as best man at my oldest friend’s wedding in Toronto, I was
waiting for my Uber to the airport and—as usual—scrolling through my phone.” He simply continues
his narrative from that point, recounting the story of his growth in a linear manner. He does not
need to say, “I am giving you all these details to highlight how determined I am to grow sometimes.”
His quest to define himself and his life is strikingly obvious.
By Jeremy Shinewald

The morning after serving as best man at my oldest friend’s wedding in Toronto, I was waiting for
1 The applicant begins his essay
my Uber to the airport and—as usual—scrolling through my phone. 1 I had taken what seemed like by diving right into the narrative,
hundreds of photos and videos of the event, posting many of them in real time to various social offering clear imagery that places
the reader in the middle of the
media sites, but was only just now really looking through them. I began seeing people and things
scene, from which the rest of his
in the photos that had not registered with me the night before. I had not noticed, for example, that story can unfold.
my friend was wearing a pocket square I had recently given him for his birthday. On the ride to
the airport, I put my phone away and started really thinking about the evening. With a sense of
growing unease, I realized that I had been so preoccupied with capturing and sharing the occasion
on my phone that I had essentially missed the whole thing. I never learned the name of the nice
woman sitting beside me at the reception. I could not recall what flavor the couple’s cake was,
though I had taken several pictures of my slice. I had totally neglected to introduce myself to my
2 Applicants are sometimes
friend’s grandfather who had flown in from Edmonton for the celebration. I was mortified. 2 Before afraid to be fully honest or to
I checked in to my flight, I turned my phone off and stuffed it into the bottom of my carry-on, cast themselves in even a mildly
negative light. This applicant
determined to leave it there until after I had landed.
clearly does so here, but this tactic
works well within the context of his
I had a long flight to San Francisco ahead of me, and without my phone for entertainment, I decided story because it presents a clear
“before” impression that makes the
to distract myself the old-fashioned way—with an actual book. 3 In just over four hours, I had
“after” he subsequently describes
read the entirety of Joseph Ellis’s biography His Excellency: George Washington, acquainting myself more distinct and powerful.
with aspects of my adopted country’s history that I had previously been unaware of. To be fair, I Showing the admissions committee
that you are human and have a
actually tore through the book, totally engrossed in it, and at the end, I felt what I can only describe
very relatable habit or problem is
as intellectually revived. It dawned on me that this gem had been languishing in my backpack for certainly acceptable, especially if
almost a year. How could I have ignored it for so long? I spent the remainder of the flight wondering this is germane to your story.
when I had become a spectator of my life, rather than its architect. What else had I been neglecting?
3 The phrase “with an actual
What other enriching experiences had I missed? book” is a little cheeky. If you
feel comfortable and doing so
fits the context and tone of your
When I got off the plane, I grabbed my suit bag and, rather than digging my phone out to call
essay, expressing your voice and
an Uber, I headed to the cab line, stopping first to buy a copy of The New Yorker. I actually had a personality this way can certainly
subscription to The New Yorker, but the magazines kept piling up on the front hall table until I would work.
eventually toss them into the recycling bin, grudgingly admitting to myself that I would never read
back issues. But on my ride home, I read it cover to cover, learning about Mars as a “backup” planet
and the fascinating rivalry between Norman Mailer and William F. Buckley. I read the “Shouts &
Murmurs” column and the short fiction. I read the cartoons.
By the time I got home, I had promised myself I would put up some guardrails to avoid becoming
4 A person would technically
entranced in 4 my apps and the instant gratification of finding the answer to a question or become “entranced by” their apps
responding to a friend’s text. When I got up in the middle of the night, I resisted the urge to check in rather than “entranced in” them,
but this kind of grammatical error
with my office, sparing myself the stress of a client demanding new ad copy at 2 a.m. Instead, I slept
is truly minor and would never
quite soundly and felt better and more clearheaded when I woke up. When I had dinner with some prevent an individual from being
accepted to an MBA program.

friends, I paid close attention to what they were saying and enjoyed a really satisfying conversation,
rather than checking my Twitter or Instagram feed.
Not long after my Toronto trip, I had to fly back to Canada for work, and on my way home, I
5 Losing one’s phone is an
understandable and common somehow managed to lose 5 my phone. Rather than freaking out about this, though, I welcomed the
human mistake. Virtually everyone challenge of taking my “presentness” efforts to a new level. By the time my phone cleared customs
has done it! So you do not need to
six days later and was safely in my pocket again, I had experienced additional joys. Invigorated
worry that by admitting to such a
blunder, you will present yourself and inspired, I made several new rules for myself: I would never use my phone during in-person
in a negative light. The admissions conversations with others, I would never take it into my bedroom, and I would never use it on
committees appreciate honesty,
BART. Over the next four months, I read 11 books (the best of which was John Kennedy Toole’s A
and revealing such a human foible
would never keep you out of HBS. Confederacy of Dunces).
At that point, I committed myself to taking the experiment even further: I would do away with my
television and see what happened next. And what happened next was that I no longer rewatched
SportsCenter while lying in bed in the morning. Of course, I did not watch it at all, but during that 6
a.m. to 8 a.m. period, I instead did something I had not done in a few years—I went for a jog. At first,
I ran a mile or two a day. After a few weeks, I added a mile or two more, and then another mile or
two. Now, I have lost ten pounds (five to go) and am registered for my first marathon, giving myself
six months to continue increasing my stamina and speed. Uniting my two rejuvenated passions, I
6 Note that we are six paragraphs
into this applicant’s essay, and devoured Christopher McDougall’s Born to Run. These days, I find myself not just exercising more
this is the first direct reference to but also eating healthier.
his professional life. And that is
just fine! Discussing your career in
your essay is neither required nor Before long, I added a fourth rule: I would use my phone only during breaks at work. Why do I need
critical, especially if it is not central it if I am at a desk with a computer? I now find myself far more focused on critical tasks. Before I
to your theme. And in this case, the
made this pact with myself, when I was on the phone with a client, 6 I would sometimes drift off,
applicant’s job is not pertinent to
his story. checking Facebook or scanning through a text stream that was hardly urgent. Today when I meet
with clients, I focus solely on their ambitions and needs with their campaigns 7 and find myself
7 Again, the candidate makes only
cursory references to his work, making far more creative and thoughtful suggestions. I feel like I am able to brainstorm more
sharing only enough information to effectively and develop clearer and more on-target proposals. Interestingly, I earned an early
provide appropriate context for the
promotion six months into my attempts at digital reformation. Perhaps I would have achieved this
point he is making. Remember that
HBS is asking for “what more” you anyway, 8 but I have my doubts, considering I have earned my best client feedback since I began the
would like to share. The admissions experiment.
committee already has this
person’s resume, so he does not
need to elaborate on his work title What has been surprising to me is how resistant to my new tech habits—or lack of such
or responsibilities here. habits—many of my family members, friends, and coworkers have been. One might think they
would welcome the return of my full attention span, improved fitness level, and heightened
8 This comment could probably be
construed as overly modest. The professionalism. I suspect they had grown accustomed to getting a hold of me whenever they
applicant likely does not need to be wanted, and I do understand how my choices may sometimes impose on them. Still, some have
so self-effacing at this point.
commented that they really enjoy talking to me because they can tell I am truly listening, and my
girlfriend 9 said going to the movies with me is much more fun now because we are not distracting
9 Mentioning or even briefly
discussing your significant other each other by constantly checking our phones.
and sharing minor personal details
in your essay is totally acceptable.

I realize the irony of working in digital advertising while striving to eschew technology, but
that verb choice is important—I am eschewing, rather than vilifying, it and striving to do so in
constructive and productive ways. I understand the powerful and helpful role technology plays
in our lives, yet I also understand that slowing down and engaging my attention purposefully
is just as important—really seeing the world around me and testing my limits intellectually and
physically. Although I look back at my friend’s wedding with a tinge of sadness, realizing how that
night could have been even more meaningful if I had had my digital epiphany sooner, I also think
of it with gratitude. It was the wake-up call I needed and has since led me to a much more profound
appreciation of the true exchange of thoughts, information, and energy. I am ready to keep moving
10 As explained in the main portion
forward and growing both professionally 10 and personally, with the whole world at my fingertips, of this guide, you do not need to
rather than an electronic device. outline your career goals in your

HBS essay or your reason for
wanting to attend the school. This
applicant does neither. Instead,
he keeps the focus on sharing a
personal story with a personal
resolution. He describes a key
experience that led to meaningful
change and growth, demonstrating
his aptitude for self-reflection and
self-improvement—qualities the
admissions committees value.

Mort: An Economical Narration of a Digital
Beast Slayed
GSB Version
For this applicant to convey the same central themes in his Stanford GSB essay as he does in his
HBS counterpart essay (page 124) in half as many words requires some judicious cutting with
regard to content, but he manages to keep the spirit of the essay intact. The candidate still shows
that he can stand strong in the battle of man versus technology and slay the digital dragon, and in
doing so, he reveals his focus and discipline. Indeed, very little of the core narrative is lost in this
GSB alternative, though some details have understandably been removed. For example, we do
not learn in this essay that the applicant left his phone on a plane and lived to tell the tale, which is
an interesting story but not absolutely critical in making the broader point about his capacity for
growth. In fact, we would guess that some readers might find this GSB version, which includes less
rumination and rhetorical questioning, more satisfying. In stripping away all but the most critical
pieces of his narrative, the candidate focuses his essay entirely on his central point.
In this essay, the applicant’s ability to craft a clear narrative is even more obvious. He simply relates
what occurred, step by step. Although that approach might sound banal, what really matters is
that the core story holds the reader’s attention and keeps them eager to learn what happens next.
Admissions readers review hundreds of essays each year, so we are sure they would welcome a
straightforward structure with a clear narrative!
By Jeremy Shinewald

The morning after serving as my friend’s best man, I was waiting for my Uber to the airport and—as
usual—scrolling through my phone. I had taken seemingly hundreds of photos of the event, posting
in real time to social media, but had not really looked through them. With growing unease, I noticed
people and things that had not registered with me the night before and realized I had been so
preoccupied with capturing the occasion on my phone that I had essentially missed the whole thing.
I never learned the name of the woman beside me at the reception. I could not recall the wedding
cake flavor. I never introduced myself to my friend’s grandfather from Edmonton. I was so mortified
1 Notice here how the applicant
that before checking into my flight, I turned my phone off and stuffed it into my carry-on. 1 avoids beginning his essay with
an explicit statement of “what
matters” and instead creates a
I decided to entertain myself on the flight home the old-fashioned way—with a book. By the end,
sense of mystery and momentum.
I had read an entire biography of George Washington, totally engrossed, and felt what I can only This approach draws the
describe as intellectually revived. The book had been languishing in my backpack for a whole year! admissions reader in, capturing
their attention and making them
I started wondering what other enriching experiences I had been neglecting or missed.
want to learn more about the
candidate.
After deplaning, I opted for a cab over an Uber and grabbed a copy of The New Yorker for the ride.
I actually subscribed to the magazine, but issues kept piling up until I eventually recycled them,
grudgingly admitting I would never go back to read them. But I read that copy cover to cover—the
articles, the “Shouts & Murmurs” column, the short fiction, the cartoons.
2 Given the GSB’s much stricter

Once 2 home, I set some guidelines for myself to avoid becoming entranced in my apps, the instant word limit, the applicant must
gratification of a Google search, or a friend’s text. Awaking in the middle of the night, I resisted the leave out certain supporting
anecdotes he used in his HBS
urge to check my work email, avoiding the stress of a client’s latest demands at 2 a.m. Instead, I slept
essay, such as the loss of his phone
soundly and awoke refreshed. At dinner with friends, I enjoyed truly satisfying and uninterrupted on a subsequent business trip.
conversations, rather than checking Twitter or Instagram. Invigorated and inspired, I challenged This is fine as long as the same
overarching theme ultimately
myself to take my “presentness” efforts to a new level. I made several new rules: I would never use
emerges, and he achieves this
my phone during in- person conversations, in my bedroom, or on BART. Over the next four months, by focusing on the most critical
I read 11 books and made two new friends on my commute. experiences that support his overall
thesis: that he is a reflective person,
capable of change.
I soon committed to going even further: I gave away my television. This meant I could no longer
rewatch SportsCenter while lying in bed in the morning. Between 6 a.m. and 8 a.m., I did something
totally different instead—I went jogging. At first, just a mile or two, but after a few weeks, I added
another mile or two, and then a few more. Within five months, I had lost ten pounds and registered
for my first marathon. I also became inspired to eat healthier and slowly improved my cooking
skills.
Next, I extended my phone restrictions to the workplace, using my cell only during breaks. I am
now fully focused on critical tasks and calls, no longer drifting off to check Facebook or scan
my texts. I feel disappointed that I used to regularly take these small professional risks. Today, I
provide my clients with far more creative and thoughtful suggestions. I brainstorm more effectively
and consistently develop clearer, more on-target proposals. Interestingly, I earned an early

promotion six months after my shift in perspective. Perhaps I would have achieved this anyway, but
I have my doubts, considering how dramatically my client feedback improved once I committed to
being present.
I realize the irony of working in digital advertising when my core principle involves eschewing
technology, but that word is key. I consciously eschew it and strive to do so in constructive and
productive ways. As powerful and helpful as technology is in our lives, I believe slowing down and
engaging my attention purposefully is even more important, really seeing the world and testing
my limits intellectually and physically. Although I remember my friend’s wedding with a tinge of
sadness—it could have been even more meaningful if I had had my epiphany sooner—I also feel
gratitude. That wake-up call led to a profound appreciation for genuine engagement, and this mind-
set keeps me growing both professionally and personally, with the whole world at my fingertips,
3 In this final paragraph, the
applicant clearly and successfully rather than an electronic device. 3
conveys what is important and
why it is meaningful to him without
directly stating, “What matters
to me most is....” The old adage
“Show, don’t tell” is definitely
applicable here.

Anna: Moving in Tandem
HBS Version
Joy and growth, guilt and grief. What makes this essay such a standout is Anna’s willingness to
“lay it all out there”—to be vulnerable and open about a pivotal time in her life. In the essay, she
explores two very different yet equally significant experiences that unfold at the same time. Anna
leverages switching back and forth between the two narratives as a storytelling device, advancing
them in parallel toward their life-changing end points. The strategy works well, and the reader feels
the highs and lows right alongside her. We recognize her eagerness to learn as much as possible
and leave her mark on the world, and we appreciate the deep and unyielding love she feels for her
father and the rest of her family.
This essay is also a powerful example of the use of a single anecdote. This one moment—or rather,
one year—has so defined Anna that it is clearly the most important story for her to tell. And
although her essay is a deeply personal one, she still offers considerable evidence of leadership.
Examples of action, initiative, and accomplishment, such as improving a factory’s operations and
taking the lead in dealing with her father’s estate, are effortlessly woven into her essay because
they were essential steps in her journey. The essay’s conclusion eloquently summarizes the growth
and pain she has experienced and the resulting fortitude she will bring to her endeavors in the
future.
By Liza Weale

for the Harvard Business School MBA program? (Word Count: 1,023)
On an otherwise average January morning in 2014, my shriek “AHHHH!!!!” has coworkers

running to my desk. Ecstatic, I’ve just received news I’ll be heading to France for a rotation at a
manufacturing facility. My stomach fills with butterflies at the unknown: a technically challenging
role in a foreign language and culture. I’m not sure what it will take to succeed, but I want to find
out.
That weekend, I head home to celebrate with my parents and learn of a different sort of unknown:
my dad confesses that the doctor found a tumor—late stage, as we’ll soon discover. The shriek of
1 Anna establishes her writing
device of showing contrasting paths joy is now a silent sob. 1 Tears fall down my cheeks as I hug him tight. “I’ll cancel the Bordeaux
by repeating some of the language assignment and find a local job.” “Go,” my parents urge me. I need to continue on my personal
she used in the previous paragraph
journey; everything is going to be fine.
(e.g., “unknown,” “shriek”) but in a
very different context.
The next month, my preparations begin—book the movers, find an apartment and car, and invest
in a copy of Rosetta Stone’s Beginner French. Preparations also start for my father‘s battle. The first
day of chemotherapy is President’s Day. Mom and I accompany Dad to the hospital to meet with
the oncologists and review the treatment plan. My parents are overwhelmed with the information,
so I call the insurance company to clear my father for his treatments—no small feat on a national
holiday, but a necessary one.
One month and one shipment of 500 pounds of possessions to southwestern France later, I’m
ramping up in my new job. I realize quickly that I won’t learn much by staying behind my computer.
2 This is a clear (and simple!)
example of “show, don’t tell.” By So, instead, I gown up head-to-toe in a bunny suit, hair net, steel toed boots, and protective goggles
describing what she must wear to and spend time on the factory floor. 2 Not only is the culture different (each morning, I “faire la
meet with the factory operators in
bise” with every person I pass in the hall), but so is the engineering expertise required to keep
their world, she demonstrates her
commitment to joining them. equipment up and running. I learn the most during the lunch hour where I do my best to keep up
with the rapid, truncated French conversation. Gradually I build relationships, gain confidence
in my French, and identify which subject matter experts to rely on. Some low hanging fruit of
3 Anna employs a straightforward,
matter-of-fact style to let the opportunity is readily apparent, and getting buy-in from upper management is an easy sell (reduced
reader experience her story equipment downtime and higher productivity). But I need time and support from people on the
without being told explicitly
floor to execute lasting change.
how to feel. This style is always a
wise choice for business school
essays (at least, in my opinion), My family visits me over Memorial Day Weekend. I’m thrilled to share all I’ve mastered, from
and it is an especially good option
keeping up with the crazy driving to easily navigating a menu. They’re glad to be away from their
when sharing difficult moments.
Applicants often have a tendency hospital-filled life, but it’s clear my dad is in pain. Soon after, he’s told he’ll need a bone marrow
to want to use adverbs and other transplant. I get tested to see if I’m a potential match, but they want a sibling of his instead. Things
forms of emphasis to underscore
are stressful at home and exhausting on both of my parents; I feel guilty for the fun I’m having. 3
the gravity of the situation they are
describing, but writing about the
moment in a simple manner instead Departing Bordeaux in November is a mix of emotions. I’m leaving behind a mark on our factory’s
and focusing on the facts results
processes by establishing a new level of rigor, and the country has taught me how to involve people
in a narrative that is both more
compelling and more credible.

and relationships to make an impact. Yet, I’m happy to give my mom a break from the caretaker role
she’s been playing for the past 8 months. Dad’s sure to be on the way up, and I’ll be there through his
recovery.
I’m home in time for Thanksgiving. The aroma from the turkey my dad and I cook fills the house.
He’s weak from the bone marrow transplant so I carry the turkey to and from the oven for him, but
he’s all smiles, and we have a great day as a family.
The following Monday I start my new rotation. This time, I’m learning the language of new product
development at company headquarters—conveniently located in nearby Chicago. That same
Monday is the last day my dad spends at home; he’s readmitted to the hospital where he’ll stay for
the next 20 days. I spend each evening after work with Dad. I cherish this time, playing games,
distracting him from his boredom. Dad is so frail that I can lift all 6’1” of him—this big guy who
is my hero now needs me to help him get up and go to the bathroom. The next day he goes in for
emergency surgery to remove the large tumor in his intestine. We continue to insist he’ll be fine—
there’s no other scenario we will allow ourselves to imagine. Because of our chosen naivety, we are
in disbelief when he suddenly passes away two days later.
The eulogy I read at Dad’s funeral is all too similar to the 50th birthday poem I’d written for him
only 8 months earlier. In those days, weeks, and months after, I feel both like I have all the strength
in the world, which I need to take care of my mom and my younger brother, and like I’m going to
collapse at any moment. There’s a car to get rid of, a house to sell, finances to manage. When my
brother suggests running a half marathon for charity, this seems like the perfect outlet for all of our
emotions. We raise over $15K for blood cancer research and I organize a charity poker tournament
(one of Dad’s favorite hobbies) in his memory with an oncology fellow he had befriended in the
hospital.
Three and a half years later, 2014 remains the dividing, maybe the defining, time in my life. There
was “before” when I was innocent and sheltered. Then there’s “after.” When I was thrown into my
family’s worst-case scenario but somehow managed to come out the other side. When I was given
the chance to adapt to new cultures and work styles, and discovered how to have an analytical
and a relationship-based impact. It’s kind of amazing when you survive the challenges—even
4 Here in the final paragraph,
the unbearable ones; risks don’t seem so risky anymore. I’ve learned to trust myself as a leader Anna takes a moment to reflect
throughout. The fear of failing has flown out the window. 4 on the gravity and impact of this
chapter in her life. Her concluding
sentences have a rawness to them;
we feel that she is not holding
anything back. Perhaps ironically,
one must let go of the fear of failure
to apply to a school such as HBS,
where the bar to acceptance is so
high. Anna proved that she was
willing to try, and her risk paid off.

Anna: Black, White, and Gray
GSB Version
Before jumping into our critique of Anna’s Stanford GSB essay, we want to highlight that even
though this essay understandably has some things in common with its HBS counterpart (page
131), it is nevertheless substantially different. As many of the HBS/GSB essay pairs in this guide
demonstrate, what works for one school might not work for the other. Anna might have been able
to successfully use her HBS essay for the GSB, but we are assuming that when she asked herself
directly and honestly “what matters most” to her, a different answer bubbled up. In this essay, Anna
no longer focuses on just one period in her life. Instead, she widens her lens and takes the reader
on a journey through her early dreams about what she thought life would have in store for her,
the moments that expanded those dreams, and who she has become as a result. By the end, we
appreciate Anna’s internal struggle and her ultimate acceptance that she is not as in control of life’s
outcomes as she had once thought.
What is notable in this essay is that her “what matters most” is realized only at the conclusion.
Anna’s journey clarifies her answer for her, and we can presume that had her later years not played
out as they did, she might have answered the GSB’s question very differently.
By Liza Weale

In 2008 my world had very few shades of gray. I was confident in what my post-collegiate years
would bring—I’d marry my high school sweetheart and have a couple of kids, an even, stable career,
and a nice suburban house outside of Chicago complete with finished basement and two car garage.
Even my classmates knew my destiny and voted me most likely to return to our hometown after
college.
This future life I imagined was what I grew up in. My mom had given home life a priority, working
part time as a law clerk for a major firm on after finishing 2nd in the state on her certification
exams. My dad, whom she began dating at age 16, barely scraped by on the Bar but opened his
own law firm when I was in elementary school. My mom followed her motto of “putting on your
own oxygen mask first”—waking up early, eating healthy, and calling the gym her second home
(before it was popular). My dad would sleep late, teach us Chicago sports’ cheers, and take spur
1 Anna’s vivid descriptions of her
of the moment trips upstate for poker tournaments. 1 Mom involved herself in every homework parents are both comforting and
assignment, essay, or test we had on our plates, and Dad coached every sports team. There was relatable: she idolizes her mother
and father but also recognizes their
never a shadow of doubt that our parents loved us and would do anything for us in their own unique
imperfections. Just as we are not
ways. expected to be infallible, neither
are our heroes.
Going to college only an hour away, I felt a little grayness creep in. I discovered engineering and
followed it as a major instead of law, the route everyone else in my family had chosen. Though my
dad often quipped I’d be a train conductor after graduating, they were proud of me for following my
interest. Mack College, not known for its diversity, nonetheless exposed me to people from different
walks of life, revealing to me the bubble I’d grown up in. I surprised my family—and myself—when
I chose a co-op opportunity in manufacturing in Peoria, not in my hometown. And I loved it.
The more I tasted outside the bubble, the more I wanted to explore. After graduation, I joined the
company’s rotational program, knowing it offered variety in the short term and security in the long
term, since after the two-year program, I’d had the opportunity to be closer to my hometown.
Days after I found out I was moving to Bordeaux for my second rotation, my dad got the diagnosis of
Stage IV cancer. I questioned my yearning for exploring the unknown. Was it worth it? My parents
convinced me it was. We all agreed that Dad’s sickness was a temporary inconvenience, and they
urged me to take the opportunity in France. Being away while Dad underwent treatments was one
2 Here, Anna shares a sense of
of the hardest things I had asked myself to do. And yet being in southwestern France was also one of happiness at her growth during
the most rewarding, giving me challenges to conquer like speaking a new language, integrating into her time abroad. She feels that
momentum is on her side and must
a foreign work culture, and instituting change when I had no clear authority to do so.
be on her father’s, too. These are
understandable human reactions,
When I returned home that November after completing the rotation, I felt more empowered than and by writing about them frankly
and sincerely, Anna earns our
ever and believed it was a turning point for my dad too. 2 I was looking forward to helping him
empathy. Her approach is also a
rebuild the strength he’d lost through chemo treatments. Never entertaining any outcome but smart strategic choice because
recovery, we were all shocked when he passed away suddenly at the end of that year. it establishes a sharp contrast
with the severity of her father’s
condition.

All notions of that original life plan were thrown out the window, once and for all. The carefully
balanced mobile of our family was taken off kilter. Dad’s shoes will always remain impossible to
fill, but sharing his “take charge” personality, I’ve lent my strength to my mom and brother to get
us through the big and small issues that life throws at us—from selling the house we grew up in to
navigating traffic to managing finances. I’ve meanwhile leaned on them for warmth and comfort
during the darkest of our days.
Shortly after my dad’s death, I struggled to reconcile my desire to be there for my family and my
draw towards personal discovery. However, I’ve come to realize I must have both. I will never
3 We can imagine the debates Anna
must have had with herself over stop putting my family first and foremost, but I’m part of that family too. 3 What matters most is
the guilt she felt about wanting maintaining this balance—staying true to my family and my roots while exploring the unknown.
to go experience life while still
The world is no longer black and white, and I don’t want it to be. 4
honoring her family. At the end
of her essay, she seems to forgive
herself, perhaps recognizing that
by living the life she wants, she
will be better able to support the
other members of her family. She
also seems willing to assume her
mom’s motto of “putting on your
own oxygen mask first.” Anna’s
honesty and vulnerability show us
how much she has grown through
her journey.
4 By mentioning black and white in

this final sentence, Anna connects
the ending of her essay to the
opening. Note that her theme
(black, white, and gray) rarely
appears overtly in the essay—
enough for us to understand the
metaphor but not so often as to
seem gimmicky or repetitive.
Incorporating a simple metaphor or
symbol well throughout your essay
can help ensure that your thesis
stands out to the admissions reader
and is more memorable.

Eddie: A Deeper Sense of Self
HBS Version
When you compare this applicant’s HBS essay here to its Stanford GSB counterpart essay (page
140), you might notice that this HBS one (after excluding the concluding section about the school) is
approximately 150 words longer. That is not much! His two essays are actually very similar because
in this case, “what matters” translates well to “what more” and vice versa—though things do not
always work out this way!
In his HBS essay, the applicant uses most of those additional words to discuss the softer side of
his managerial side, showing his ability to creatively forge community amid the challenge of the
pandemic. Those candidates who think that every line of their essay must reveal how they are
novel and different should make note of how this applicant showcases his use of the somewhat
commonplace board game Pictionary. The sophistication and originality of the device he uses to
forge his team is not what matters but the spirit he exhibits, and if Pictionary is the “cause,” then
the quote he shares from his teammate is the clear “effect.”
Finally, with respect to HBS, instead of an explanation of why he wants to attend the school, the
applicant offers his plan to extend his inclusive tendencies into the HBS community. This allows him
to reveal his understanding of the school without falling into the trap of tacking on a completely
unrelated goals and “why HBS” paragraph (a peeve of mine as a consultant!).
By Jeremy Shinewald

1 After reading and comparing the

applicant’s two essays, you will When I came out in college, Middlebury’s LGBTQ+ community helped me find my place. 1 Although
notice that the differences between I was energized by the acceptance that I found among Middlebury’s queers, I quickly discovered
them are actually few. Often, that is
that building up this community was even more engaging. With this discovery, I started down a
not the case—changes can be quite
significant from one school’s essay path of community-building that is reflected in all I do. While I may thrive when I am a part of tight-
to the other’s, especially when knit communities, more than anything else, I strive to be a builder of these communities.
the candidate uses a thematic
approach. Typically, if a theme runs
through someone’s life, then they Initially, my involvement with Middlebury’s queer community was infrequent. In a matter of
develop a real depth of experience months, my sporadic and informal event planning, which included weekly “Queer Dinners,”
and are eager to share it to the
monthly “allyship” trainings for the campus at large, and even “queer study hall” during exam
fullest degree in both essays, but
then find themselves limited by periods, led to a part-time position working for Middlebury’s LGBTQ+ Center. In this position, I
the GSB’s smaller word count. brought speakers to campus like Wayne Maines, whose lawsuit against the state of Maine prohibited
This applicant deserves praise for
schools from forcing trans students to use a bathroom that doesn’t align with their gender identity.
presenting his theme economically
in both of his essays. Additionally, inspired by my six seasons as a gay man on Middlebury’s Varsity Rowing team, I
launched a new tentpole event for the Center, Center’s Gay Athletes’ Organization which brought
the College’s athletic teams together to explore how to best be an ally to queer athletes. With both
intimate events for the LGBTQ+ community and tentpole events for the entire campus, I ensured
that Middlebury’s small but mighty queer community had a space to feel comfortable, welcomed,
and most of all, accepted.
After college, I knew that I wanted to continue to build meaningful relationships with those in my
community, but the near-constant travel and limited flexibility of professional services made this
difficult. Even so, I sought out community where I could. After work, I would organize happy hours
with coworkers from across my division to ensure that morale remained high, especially during
stressful periods. I joined a running group with Ogilvy, where I organized a weekend-long relay
race, the Ragnar, in which my team ran nearly 200 miles. Over the course of that weekend, I slept in
a van with 11 colleagues, including the head of Ogilvy’s Regional Office. We weren’t able to shower,
2 In a longer essay, you can
obviously include smaller details we ran through the night (I ran a 10-mile leg at 2 AM), we ate nothing but Clif bars 2, and most
like this, but in a shorter essay, importantly, we had no one to talk to besides each other for a full weekend. It may not have been
when every word counts, these are
the most comfortable 3, but the shared experience—which paired extreme fatigue with bursts of
easy bits to cut. No one reading
this essay would think (or care), “I adrenaline—forged relationships that will last a lifetime. Because of my contributions to the Ogilvy
wonder whether they ate full meals community, from social events to the running group to organizing onboarding for new hires, I was
or Clif bars?”
awarded the “Heart of S&A Award,” an annual award that recognizes outstanding commitment to
the Strategy & Analysis division.
3 Small, honest admissions such as
this one lend credibility throughout
the applicant’s essay and validate When I left Ogilvy to join my current firm, I made it my goal to bring this same energy to my new
the writer’s voice.
role. Given that I would be managing a team, I knew that this would be an opportunity for me to
instill a strong sense of pride among my team. When new teammates joined the team prior to the
pandemic, I organized out-of-office celebratory dinners. Now that the team is working remotely, I
introduced “game time” during new teammates’ first week of work—virtual Pictionary is a perennial

favorite. Keeping the team engaged and motivated remotely has proven to be no small effort, but by
bringing together daily one-on-ones, weekly all-team chats, and monthly game time, I have been
able to mimic the in-office experience to the best of my abilities. As a testament to the work that I
have put in to build up my team, one teammate posted a note on LinkedIn recently, saying that her
team “lives our values of teamwork and collaboration,” and that she has “never before been a part of
4 When confined to the GSB’s
a more collaborative and fun team.” 4 small allotment of just 650 words,
justifying the inclusion of this
“softer” leadership role is difficult,
Furthermore, with the free time I have gained after I switched from a professional services job to
but in an extended HBS essay,
one in industry, I am able to volunteer at Children’s Hospital. It was a no-brainer for me: when I we are able to get a fuller picture
was a child, I was hospitalized there for weeks at a time due to respiratory issues. I am intimately of what this person is like as a
manager and leader. The result is a
familiar with the level of care offered by the hospital, and have seen first-hand how it is truly
valuable sense of personal warmth
unmatched in comforting children during stressful times. As a volunteer in the Resource Room, I and likeability. As we often say,
ensure that patients have access to toys, arts and crafts, and entertainment. the admissions committees admit
people, so likeability counts!
As the only man who volunteers in the Resource Room, the boys are especially excited when I come
in, since we can talk about anything from Matchbox cars to video games. With the activities in the
Resource Room, I offer a welcome respite and sense of community during tough days of treatment,
and I am proud that I can give back to such an outstanding organization like Children’s Hospital.
When I pursue my MBA at Harvard Business School, I will continue on my quest to build
communities around me. Having discussed the HBS experience with Johannes Leibsch (HBS ’18)
I look forward to jumping head-first into Pride on day one, organizing large events like the Pan-
Harvard LGBTQ+ Conference, alongside more intimate social gatherings and retreats. Meanwhile,
as a leader of the Health Care Club, I will build a tight-knit, healthcare-obsessed community,
bringing in speakers like Wendy Mak a VP at our hospital and HBS alumna, to spur conversations
about how to best serve patients of all ages. Finally, I look forward to becoming an outspoken
advocate for my section, forging close relationships with my peers whose work and life experiences
may be completely different from my own. I know that my presence at HBS will strengthen the
5 As I mentioned in my introductory
Harvard community for years to come, and I look forward to leaving my mark. 5 critique, the applicant discusses
his knowledge of HBS and how
he anticipates contributing to
the school, but he does not share
his career goals or his reason
for choosing HBS. By focusing
on how his character will be felt
in the school’s community, he
demonstrates seriousness and
familiarity without being cloying.

Eddie: A Briefer Sense of Self
GSB Version
Although this applicant begins his essay with “When I came out,” it is, quite importantly, about far
more than the experience of coming out; it is about finding community and then being inspired to
create community for others, not just for those in the LGBTQ+ community but also for people at
his work and volunteer endeavors. Every year, MBA classrooms are becoming increasingly diverse.
Two decades ago, a coming out story in a business school essay was almost unheard of, and even
a decade ago, it was rare. Now, both HBS and the Stanford GSB have LGTBQ+ representation in
their applicant pools, so identifying with the community is seldom a candidate’s main story. As this
applicant says, “Although my sexuality is not my defining characteristic, my coming out led me to
understand how much I value close relationships with those around me.”
In this essay, the real emphasis is on how the candidate’s sexuality became a catalyst for
broader impact—and therein lies its power. With sexuality as a backdrop, the applicant shares
his accomplishments in a breadth of spheres, thereby giving the admissions reader a sense of
his full character. To reinforce his point that his sexuality does not define him, he reveals himself
to be a culture carrier, particularly at his workplace. Indeed, the applicant’s Ragnar race story is
not just about running; it is also about bonding and gaining the trust of others. Doing so is such a
significant, core part of his character that he even wins an award for being the “heart” of his group
at work. Similarly, we see the applicant’s heart in his volunteer activities as well, evidenced by his
excitement about talking to the kids at a children’s hospital about Matchbox cars and video games.
When we reach the conclusion of this essay, we know that this applicant is somebody who commits
and follows through, truly giving all of himself—an appealing quality to a business school making
bets on its candidates’ futures.
By Jeremy Shinewald

When I came out, I felt alone, and my college’s LGBTQ+ Center helped me find a sense of belonging.
Although I was energized by the acceptance that I found among Middlebury queers, I discovered
that developing our community was even more engaging. With this discovery, I started down a path
1 Although the applicant’s theme
of community-building that is reflected in all that I do. revolves around embracing
community, there is nothing
wrong with his admitting that that
Initially, my interactions with other queer students were sporadic. 1 Growing up, the word gay came
embrace was “sporadic” at first.
across as an insult. “What a gay thing to say!” “What are you, gay?!” I was afraid of being labeled as Stories have their ups and downs,
such in college. At the same time, I wanted to feel connected to others, and my involvement with and being honest about both
reveals sincerity. Do not fabricate
our LGBTQ+ Center made me feel less ashamed of myself.
“bumps” in your story if you did
not truly encounter any, but if you
I started planning events for the Center, including weekly “Queer Dinners” and monthly “allyship” did, you have no reason to shy away
from being authentic.
trainings for the campus at large; this informal role subsequently led to a part-time position. In
my new position, I brought speakers to campus like Wayne Maines, who sued the state of Maine to
2 As we have noted before, you
prohibit schools from forcing trans students to use a bathroom that doesn’t align with their gender. cannot force a theme in your essay.
Inspired by my six seasons as a gay man on Middlebury’s Rowing Team, I launched a new tentpole You either own it, or you do not.
Clearly, this individual made an
event for the Center’s Gay Athletes Organization, which brought athletic teams together to explore
exceptional commitment to his
how best to be an ally to queer athletes. With intimate events for LGBTQ+ students and tentpole university’s LGBTQ+ community,
events for the entire campus, I ensured that Middlebury’s small but mighty queer community had a bringing in speakers and launching
new events. The supporting
space to feel comfortable, welcomed, and above all, accepted. 2
evidence is here and substantiates
the theme for him.
After college, I knew that I wanted to continue to build meaningful relationships with others, but
3 The applicant demonstrates that
the near-constant travel and limited flexibility of professional services made this difficult. Even so, his “community first” mentality
I sought out kinship where I could. 3 At Accenture, I would organize happy hours with coworkers extends to all the different
communities he joins, proving that
from across my division to ensure that morale remained high, especially during stressful periods.
his identity is tied to much more
I joined a running group with Ogilvy, and I put together a team for the Ragnar, a weekend-long than just his sexuality. This also
relay race in which teams run 200 miles over several days. That weekend, I slept in a van with gives further credence to his theme
of acceptance and inclusion.
11 colleagues, including the head of Ogilvy’s Regional Office. We weren’t able to shower, we ran
through the night (including my 10-mile leg at 2 AM), and, most importantly, we had no one to talk
4 While the applicant’s theme is
to besides each other for a full weekend. The shared experience—which paired extreme fatigue with clearly established by now, his
bursts of adrenaline—forged relationships that will last a lifetime. 4 Because of my contributions discussion here of a 200-mile
race also reveals other important
to Ogilvy’s culture, from social events to the running group to organizing new hire onboarding, I
characteristics he possesses,
was chosen by office leadership to be the “Heart of S&A,” awarded annually to one employee who including stamina, determination,
demonstrates outstanding commitment to the Strategy & Analysis division. and focus. He does a good job of
peppering his essay with ancillary
accomplishments.
With the free time I gained after I switched jobs, I am able to volunteer at our local Children’s
Hospital. The decision was a no-brainer for me: when I was a child, I was hospitalized at that very
5 As with his story about the Ragnar
hospital for weeks at a time due to respiratory issues, and I have seen first-hand that Children’s race, by sharing his experience at
is unmatched in comforting patients during difficult times. 5 I volunteer in the Resource Room, the hospital, the applicant not only
reveals his community orientation
ensuring that patients have access to toys, arts and crafts, and entertainment. As the only man who
but also represents himself as a
volunteers there, the boys are especially excited when I come in, since we can talk about anything kind, good-hearted individual who
seeks to lift children’s spirts.

from Matchbox cars to video games. My presence gives both patients and their families welcome
respite during tough days, and I am proud that I can give back to such an outstanding community.
Although my sexuality is not my defining characteristic, my coming out led me to understand how
much I value close relationships with those around me. This understanding has shaped how I live
my life and has guided how I approach interactions with others. As I progress in my life, my desire
to build and strengthen the communities around me will come with me as well.

Rhia: A Fateful Copy Run
HBS Version
This applicant kicks off her essay by sharing one of those types of moments that challenge people
to rethink their life decisions. You will see how Rhia draws us in by using a narrative style. She offers
no preamble, but she has no need for one. Her details are so evocative (rushing to print copies late
into the evening, evading phone calls from both her boss and her date) that we are immediately
hooked. We can sense the dismay and stress building inside of her even before the first paragraph
concludes. Another smart writing technique is contextualizing this opening cliffhanger (her “Why
am I doing this to myself?”) by then rewinding time and helping the reader understand how she
ended up at the copy store in the first place. By starting in the midst of a pivotal moment and then
backing up in time, Rhia avoids the simpler style of chronological storytelling that most readers are
used to. For many applicants, chronological order works very well, as evidenced by a number of
other successful essays in this guide, yet we note her less conventional choice here to highlight the
different ways a candidate can effectively sequence an essay.
Once Rhia trades in consulting for impact investing, she discovers a career that gives her a deeper
sense of meaning and reward. It becomes a virtuous circle, as her purpose fuels action, her actions
drive results, and the results strengthen her sense of purpose. By the end of the essay, Rhia has
triumphed not only in having contributed to the improvement of our educational ecosystem but
also in finding a life of balance and fulfillment. We applaud her for being brave enough to listen to
the questions that arose for her that night at Kinko’s and to really answer them.
By Liza Weale

I stood alone at a Kinko’s on the Lower East Side waiting for our RFP response to finish being
printed and bound. My phone was ringing off the hook—our project partner wanted to ensure I’d
hand deliver the response to the client by midnight while, on the other line, my date wanted to let
me know he’d waited long enough and was leaving the restaurant.
“Why am I doing this to myself? Do I even care about winning this bid for a smart metering
implementation?” I was so far from anything I was truly passionate about, and just kept asking
myself, “How did I get here?” It was clear I yearned for something more fulfilling, but what was the
missing piece? To answer that question, I’ll have to rewind way back to my birth.
I grew up in a family with roots in Jordan. If you know anything about the Jordanians, you
know that nothing is more important than family. So, at twenty years old when I found out that
while my brother was genetically my parents’ child, I was not, I was shocked; my closest and
1 Take special note of this
paragraph’s last few sentences. most unconditional community had broken down before me, leaving me no choice but to create
Rhia has just shared a deeply distance. I plunged into other communities to try and find my place. An education non-profit called
personal, and surely painful,
Connector Scope in particular provided me a sense of solace. As I helped high school students
discovery and explained how she
found some self-healing in helping similarly make ties to their communities—their own families often absent—I realized that while my
others. She then reflects on what story may have been unique, my search for “family” was not. I also realized that I could find what
this experience taught her. Through
many consider “family” beyond the four walls of home. I took two important lessons from this most
challenge comes growth and new
perspective (that is much the unsettling experience: First, people are the most important part of any decision I would make, and
premise of an MBA!), so as you relay second, education is a source of solace. 1
your own challenges in your essay,
be sure to address how they have
changed your outlook, values, or As graduation loomed and I thought more about these lessons, I realized the ways in which they
skills. were already present in my life. The combined importance of people and education was the thread
that had weaved my life together. Back in elementary school, when I was bullied for looking starkly
2 This small aside is poignant, as we
readers know more about Rhia than different from my family (I now understood why), 2 I created my own classroom filled with my
she did herself at that time. strongest support system: my stuffed animals. My purple teddy and Beanie Babies were the “people”
I relied on and the educational environment in which we were immersed was our sanctuary.
3 This mention of Kinko’s closes the
chronological gap in Rhia’s story; Without knowing it, I had been carrying these tenets with me since my earliest memories. So, as I
we find ourselves back at the very embarked on figuring out what lay ahead, I just needed to find my way back to those early instincts.
moment that began her essay. To
underscore what we mentioned in
this essay’s introductory critique, I was initially drawn to the work at Prestige Consulting. Perhaps I had succumbed to the external
this sense of “rewinding time” can pressures of being a senior in college or perhaps I had convinced myself that consulting was
be an effective writing strategy
something it wasn’t. When experiences like the night at Kinko’s piled up, 3 it became clear that my
because it is less expected and
reduces readers’ ability to predict expectations were unfortunately far from my reality. The yearn for fulfillment set in and I knew I
where the essay is headed. needed to find my way back to people and education.
Moreover, the strategy helps keep
us readers focused where Rhia
wants us: on what happened after When the opportunity to join a social impact investment firm, Invest for Meaning (IFM), and focus
she committed to following her on its education efforts presented itself, I jumped. My work ranged from a $500M+ acquisition
path toward fulfillment.

of a digital healthcare training company, to a $100M+ divestiture of a real estate and financial
services training company, to new market entry for an education services company, and even
to strategic consulting projects for our portfolio. During my last project, a global restructuring
of CompuTop Ed’s group, I was able to work alongside the group’s executive team, personalizing
student and teacher touchpoints while driving an incremental $18M to the business, laying a strong
strategic foundation for years to come. This would prove especially crucial during COVID-19, when
CompuTop Ed would experience the greatest need for ed-specialized laptops and computers that it
had ever seen. At IFM, I had the leeway to choose projects with both exponential growth potential
and meaningful impact and have felt the reward of working on problems with quantifiable impact
and amplified student value. For the first time, I felt like I had gotten it right—I was spending time
thinking about the problems I cared about and was doing it alongside a strong team of equally
passionate individuals.
The palpability of my passion and tenacity got the attention of CompuTop Ed’s President and COO,
who asked me to join them full-time. Now, I am approaching the end of my second year with the
company. I joined as a business operations manager, owning pet projects for the COO and ensuring
4 The contrast between Rhia’s
the work we had done during the restructuring was not lost. Soon after, I was promoted to run the initial role (as an operations
business operations function and build a team to support me as we enter a new phase of growth. 4 manager doing pet projects) and
her current role (managing all
As we reach communities, schools, teachers and students in the most remote parts of the globe with
business operations and leading
the technology skills they need to “be in demand,” we are ushering in a new era of learning and just a team) shows that she has added
might be redefining education as a whole. both scope and scale to her

responsibility and thereby made
herself increasingly valuable to her
I have benefited immensely from seeing how CompuTop—a larger and more sophisticated company.
company—has navigated and grown in this relatively nascent space of ed tech. I have also benefited
from seeing the power of technology for more general good at some of the companies I consulted
with back at Prestige and the diligence that goes into investment decisions at IFM. Recently, I have
gotten a taste of what it feels like to build my own team and instill in it the sense of community
5 While Rhia shows considerable
and culture I craved earlier in my career. I have also experienced the energizing effect of working reflection throughout her essay,
on problems I’m passionate about. 5 As such, I have stitched together a vision for what my own we especially like how here, she
directs that reflection toward the
business might be—how it might foster a people-first culture and focus on the galvanizing elements
broad learnings of her career and
of education. how she intends to craft a future
by leveraging different elements of
her past. This helps her transition
An MBA from Harvard Business school will allow me to develop the additional skills and expertise
easily to her goal statement and
I’ll need to build and steer a business toward these goals. Furthermore, it will expose me to people to a brief mention of why she has
with similar passions and like-minded ambitions. Over the past few years, as I have worked my way chosen HBS.
back to people and education, I have found incredible professional success and fulfillment and am
6 Although tying the end of your
ready for the challenges that lay ahead. I’m excited about the prospect of starting my own company essay back to the introduction
and am prepared to take the steps required to get there. is never required, when doing
so is easy, it can offer a brief,
but satisfying epilogue. In Rhia’s
And by the way, the date who wouldn’t wait for me that night I was stuck at Kinko’s, I worked my case, this line also adds a light-
way back to him as well: we are getting married next year. 6 heartedness and sense of warmth
to the essay that strengthens the
connection to her that we have
begun to develop.

Rhia: I Am Because We Are
GSB Version
Rhia’s Stanford GSB essay is a distilled version of her HBS essay (page 143) but with some
compelling changes that make it shine just as well. Notably, she frames the essay around a single
word (Ubuntu) and how that word helped her find support when she felt abandoned and later find
purpose when she felt disenchanted. Throughout the essay, we learn why Rhia values education so
much (it is not necessarily the reason you might think!) and appreciate the joy she feels in helping
scale educational opportunities for others.
We encourage you to read this essay to the very end. Some GSB essays featured in this guide make
no mention of the applicant’s career goals, but Rhia’s does, and her decision to include them
works because her professional vision is so intertwined with that particularly meaningful word
she introduces us to—Ubuntu. The takeaway is this: if a discussion of your goals in this essay feels
forced, trust your gut and leave them for the GSB’s Essay B. Conversely, if your career aspirations
are core to what matters most to you, then they are certainly fair game. Rhia demonstrates how
seamlessly professional goals can be incorporated into this essay.
By Liza Weale

Essay A: What matters most to you and why? (Word count: 680)
Meaning can reveal itself in interesting ways. For some, it’s a dream, for others a near-death
experience. For me, it was a single word that was, of all places, tattooed on my babysitter’s foot -
1 To begin her GSB essay, Rhia
Ubuntu. 1 quickly establishes a connection
with the reader by mentioning
common situations (even clichés)
Ubuntu is a Bantu word meaning “humanity,” or “I am because we are.” The concept spans beyond
that everyone can relate to. The
the literal, suggesting that humanity is a shared experience, each of us individually responsible strategy is effective—by the time
for elevating the collective whole. While I encountered Ubuntu in a most unexpected place, its we read about her uncommon
situation (her babysitter’s tattoo),
principles have become my source of solace in dark times and guiding light towards what’s next.
we are already primed to learn how
and why this word means so much
At twenty years old, I learned that I was not genetically my parents’ child. My closest and most to her.
unconditional community broke down, leaving me painfully alone. The Connector Scope, an
education non-profit, was a natural outlet—I had been volunteering with them, working with
high school students whose own families were often absent. Our shared experience was a glaring
2 In moments of pain, we as
reminder that while my story may have been unique, my search for “family” was not. 2 As I grew humans can feel alone in our
increasingly consumed by my work there, I came to a deeper understanding of Ubuntu. At my most struggles. Rhia discovers a deep
connection with the students she
vulnerable, I found solace in a community outside the four walls of home. I was because we were.
tutors as she realizes that they, too,
crave a sense a family. As these
Shortly after graduation, I joined Prestige Consulting hoping to work on high impact projects connections heal her, she develops
an attachment to very thing that
alongside impact-driven individuals. Perhaps I succumbed to the external pressures of securing a
enabled them—education.
job or perhaps I convinced myself that consulting was something it wasn’t. Whatever the case, if my
goal was to find Ubuntu in my work, reality fell short of my expectations. Instead, I found myself
standing alone at Kinko’s on a Friday night waiting for an RFP response to finish printing. My
phone was ringing off the hook—our project partner ensuring I’d hand deliver the RFP and my date
informing me I’d stood him up long enough. I was sacrificing the communities I cared about with
no reward beyond a paycheck. Experiences like this piled up, furthering me from any semblance of
Ubuntu, and I yearned for more.
When the opportunity to join a social impact investment firm presented itself, I jumped. Invest For
Meaning (IFM), among other things, strove to close the learning gap in continuing education. They
were elevating entire, self-formed communities towards a common goal: education. I found my way
3 Note that in her HBS counterpart
back to Ubuntu. I had a litany of high growth initiatives with meaningful impact to choose from. essay, Rhia went into considerably
Projects like the global restructuring of CompuTop’s Ed group proved that driving an incremental more detail on her efforts on these
projects, as well as on the results.
$18M, streamlining operations and consolidating budgets, could be achieved without compromising
With no word limit, you have more
the learning experience. 3 I was spending time on problems I cared about and thriving on a team of room in your HBS essay to tell
similarly passionate individuals—a shared humanity. a fully fleshed-out story. If you

want to include that same story
in your GSB essay, though, you
Now, as I approach two years full-time at CompuTop Ed, I am closer than ever to the tenets of will likely need to pare it down to
Ubuntu. Since founding the business operations team, we have tackled some of the company’s its main takeaway (so the reader
understands its importance and
most important projects, while never losing sight of our mission to changes the lives of others.
relevance) and one or two essential
By bringing technology education to the most remote parts of our globe and optimizing for the details (so the reader can “see”
your world).

learning potential of the entire “classroom,” I have helped usher in a new era of learning. Through
CompuTop Ed, I have felt the reward of helping others form communities beyond the four walls of
their home.
I now aspire to take much of what I have learned at CompuTop Ed and target the earliest stages
of education. Social media has proven that children from all socioeconomic backgrounds can
and want to form communities online. But the leap from social media to education is a stubborn
4 Rhia’s sense of abandonment
earlier in her life has clarified the obstacle. Despite this, I am motivated by the thought of younger individuals who feel alone, 4 as I
mark she wants to make in this once did, and the compounding effect that educational struggles can create for them. In the face of
world. Note how specific she is in
all barriers, I believe the components required to break down these barriers, to elevate the collective
terms of her goals. They have to
do not just with education, not whole, are already in place. And I believe that there is no better place to innovate towards potential
just with children, but with the solutions than the Stanford GSB.
“earliest stages of education.” Such
unambiguous aspirations help
reassure the admissions reader that
Rhia will never lose sight of Ubuntu
again.

Yaphet: Wirrling Away the Days
HBS Version
For his HBS essay, this applicant chose a thematic approach (as he also does for his Stanford GSB
counterpart essay [page 153]), illustrating how his willingness to speak up and challenge authority
in the interest of the greater good has enabled him to find his place in the world, though not without
a few hiccups along the way. At the risk of being what some might view as a little too forthcoming,
he directly addresses the issue of the tough time he had in the structured world of investment
banking. Keep in mind that you cannot run from the facts that are presented in your resume. In
this candidate’s case, one could argue that if he had left his brief tenure in banking unaddressed
and simply focused on how much he has enjoyed his work at the start-up he ultimately joined, he
would have inadvertently raised questions in the admissions reader’s mind about what he was
trying to hide or gloss over. (Another option, however, would be discussing this matter briefly in the
additional information section or optional essay.) Taking a slightly edgy approach, this applicant
elected to guide the reader through the various stages of his journey to where he is today, confident
that the ultimate outcome is validating and revelatory.
We have a hard time arguing with success, but we might have suggested shifting the weight in the
essay to take some of the emphasis off the opening paragraphs. The applicant’s childhood stories
feel belabored at 600 words! We understand that he is trying to establish that he simply cannot
resist sensibly challenging the status quo, but discussing how he argued for more kayak time at
camp and to organize a battle of the bands at his high school requires careful navigation to ensure
that what is ultimately revealed is a positive character trait, rather than a sense of entitlement. In
the end, the applicant demonstrates self-awareness and maturity in finding his place at Wirrled and
now “walks the walk” by extending his value system to others.
By Jeremy Shinewald

1 Starting your essay with a story

that reaches into your distant past When I was young, 1 I spent a month each summer at a rustic camp on an island in Minnesota’s
can be an engaging way to show Boundary Waters, where campers learned classic “scout skills,” and bragging rights came with
continuity in your values, but it can
earning increasingly advanced canoe badges. One off season, the camp announced that it would be
carry the risk of sharing too much
“kid’s stuff.” If you choose to share purchasing twelve Kevlar kayaks. From that moment till move-in day, I was borderline obsessed
an anecdote from your childhood, with a single goal: to learn to do an “Eskimo roll,” which involves using leverage to tip the kayak
make sure that it is formative and
over and complete a full rotation (going underwater and upside down) before popping up on the
a catalyst, and move on as quickly
as possible to your more mature other side. It was a cool move, looked like fun, and was actually a survival skill—something about it
accomplishments. called to me. But when I got to camp, my expectations were immediately dashed. The camp director
explained that each of the nineteen cabins would use the kayaks only once in our 30 days, because
otherwise, some campers would get to do so twice, and this would not be fair to the other kids.
Frankly, this struck me as absurd, especially because this meant the kayaks would go unused for
almost half our time at camp, and I began to campaign for some campers to go twice. Every day,
during our free activity hour, I would ask to take a kayak out and be denied. I soon dubbed this part
of the day “not-so-free activity hour.” On the final day of camp, our exasperated head counselor
relented and decided to allow some kids to take out the kayaks a second time. My excitement was
short lived, though, because he chose a different cabin. “Let’s see how fair this feels,” he said to
me. I admit it was a bittersweet moment. Despite my personal disappointment, I felt a sense of
satisfaction as I watched the lucky campers paddle and splash each other, rather than seeing the
kayaks sitting idle. Although some might view my doggedness about the kayaks that summer
as a kind of brattiness, I remember it as the first public expression—however awkward—of my
willingness to stand up for the issues and ideas I believe in.
A high school teacher once described me as “anarchically conservative,” and this seemed to capture
how I try to balance my drive to challenge and tear down strictures with my strong dedication to
2 The applicant uses a rhetorical
question here as an interesting morality and pursuing the greater good. In high school, I was both class president and class clown,
way of reinforcing his point. This and I tried to meld levity and logic, as appropriate, when questioning the validity of certain long-
is a totally acceptable form of
standing rules. I lobbied our principal for months to let us host a “battle of the bands.” Although
expression in an essay, and in
this case, it adds some color and a similar event had failed a decade earlier (a decade!), could we not try again? 2 I recruited some
personality to his story. friends to help me serenade the principal with a song I had written about the event’s possible
benefits, and after laughing at my feeble air guitar skills, she finally acquiesced. By the night of
3 Here, the applicant further
establishes and clarifies his theme the show, we had sold so many tickets to kids from other schools, our own students got to attend
by offering multiple examples for free. In college, in addition to my involvement in student government, I worked with our
over time of instances in which he
administration to triple the number of study abroad options available and thus got to spend a year
has challenged the status quo to
achieve a positive result, usually at Cape Town University, the first student in my school to ever do so. Although this negotiation
on behalf of others in addition involved no friction, someone needed to start asking questions to open that door, and I did not
to himself. These stories provide
hesitate to be the one to do it. 3
evidence that this tendency is an
ongoing, consistent part of his
character, not just something he I believe now that by the time I launched my professional career, I should have known better than
did once in camp and then again
to pursue investment banking. Friends had told me I was too much of a nonconformist to fit into
when he started working after
college.

4 This statement not only reinforces
this world, but my “conservative” side convinced me I could enjoy it, and the boutique nature of the applicant’s core point about
being “anarchically conservative,”
some firms made me believe the job would be flexible and personal. In the end... I was 100% wrong.
but it also provides a helpful
4 After training, I joined a real estate team as the analyst for two associates and a vice-president, explanation of why his tenure in
banking was so brief. The candidate
excited to start hands-on learning. On day one, I was given a stack of menus and told I would be
subtly addresses a question
responsible for ordering and picking up dinner each night for the junior team. Initially, I wondered he anticipates the admissions
if this was a joke on the “new guy.” When I diplomatically asked if the responsibility could be committee might have about some
information in his resume.
shared among the team, I was told very plainly that this was the norm at the firm, one that every
new analyst was expected to follow. My tenure at the bank ultimately lasted less than a year. 5 Of 5 Here, the applicant honestly
acknowledges his missteps—
course, I take much of the responsibility for this misstep, because if I had done more diligence and his direct role in them—
into the culture of the industry, I would have likely discovered that its traditional rigidity was not demonstrating his ability to
self-reflect and learn from past
compatible with my inclination to question the status quo and advocate for change. Determined
mistakes. Again, not everything in
not to make the same mistake twice, I researched more fitting options and joined a start-up where I your essay needs to be completely
positive, particularly when
could help shape the culture.
those less-perfect moments
have meaningfully contributed
to the person you are today.
I became only the fourth employee at Wirrled—“Healthy shakes delivered to your door!”—in
Acknowledging this challenging
a position with no official title to start. Everything had to be built, and everyone was already situation will not prevent the
overbooked, which meant I was free to identify and solve problems without obtaining anyone’s prior applicant from being accepted.
Moreover, the candidate cannot
authorization. When I joined, our website was not optimized for mobile devices, and we had no hide from his professional
app. I am no techie, but I worked with outsourced providers to keep costs down and fill these gaps. missteps, because they are
right there on his resume. Being
Our original pricing plan was structured so that our product provided no incentive to customers authentic and forthcoming about
who wanted to order for the long term; I quickly fixed that, and recurring revenue subsequently them is key.
appeared. Our kitchen team was growing, but no one had health care. Now, everyone does from 6 The applicant’s delineation of his
their very first day. Our investor deck was turning away VCs. I studied successful decks online, professional accomplishments here
is intended not so much to impress
refined our pitch, met with friends in the VC community to ensure we were hitting the right notes,
the admissions reader with his
and concluded a $2.2M series A round within four months. 6 Why do I enjoy my role at Wirrled achievements as it is to illustrate
his underlying point that when left
so much? I relish the freedom I have received and, even more, the freedom I am able to extend to
unfettered, he rises to the occasion
others. and performs.
7 By noting the high level to which

Today, as Wirrled’s COO, 7 I oversee a four-person Web operations team and a 40-member kitchen he has risen in the company, the
and product sourcing team. I also personally hire every new team member. When I interview candidate clearly shows that he
can thrive in a professional role.
people, I ask them about times when they challenged authority, voiced unpopular opinions, 8 or This is critical for this applicant
took charge without anyone asking. And when I find independent-minded people, I offer them a because it balances the impression
he has thus far made that he can
position and explain that we welcome and reward ideas and encourage pushback against processes be “disruptive” in a professional
and proposals that seem unproductive. We make sure every new Wirrled employee knows from the environment. The admissions
reader has to come away with the
start that ours is an ownership culture in which we offer fairness, dignity, and commitment—and
knowledge that this applicant can
expect the same in return. indeed fit with and thrive at a firm.
8 Bringing this full circle is critical

I always get a thrill now when I hear someone on our kitchen team challenge a new recipe before we for this applicant. It shows that he
values these qualities in others and
start shipping it. I love when people speak up in the interests of the company. Why would anyone
recognizes the benefit of having
want to quash that spirit? I take great pride in the dedication our Web operations team constantly such individuals on his team. He
clearly does not think he is the only
displays, even though they know no one is watching their hours or keeping tabs on their vacation/
one capable of offering constructive
sick days. I relish our completely transparent compensation scheme, in which everyone knows new ideas.

everyone else’s salary. This ensures that all employees are treated equally—we have no gender gap. I
am proud that we source our products from reputable suppliers and pay up for quality, because this
affects our customer satisfaction and retention.
I have found and helped create a place at Wirrled that is perfect for an “anarchically conservative”
person like me. I “fit” here, and I have seen others thrive as well, in part because the environment
is so transparent, but also, and more importantly, because opinions are heard and weighed, and the
meritorious ones win, period. I feel the environment brings out the best in everyone. I am excited at
the prospect of building my own Wirrled after earning my MBA, and although I have a sense of how
I could build a culture of success there, as an undergrad econ major, I realize I lack certain broader
and enduring business skills that would increase my chances of success. Comprehending better
how interdependent business disciplines can be optimized to move the figurative ship forward and
complementing this with management training would equip me to more effectively understand and
9 Here, the applicant makes a
case for pursuing his MBA without develop employees 9 and firms. As I walk away from a company I helped build, I appreciate both the
pandering to HBS or discussing any anarchic nature of the uncertainty and the conservative nature of self-improvement and education
of the school’s resources. As noted
to optimize my future.
earlier in this guide, explaining your
interest in the degree or school
in your essay is generally not
necessary, but within the context
of this candidate’s essay, it explains
why someone who enjoys his
current position and firm so much
would want to move on, while also
bringing the story to a close.

Yaphet: Redux, Re-Wirrled!
GSB Version
In this applicant’s Stanford GSB essay (its HBS counterpart appears on page 149), he benefits in
a way from the school’s stricter word limit. In roughly half as many words, he gets to the heart of
the matter, resulting in an arguably more powerful opening. We cannot help but wonder whether
his HBS essay would have been stronger with this abbreviated intro, but given that the candidate
succeeded in being accepted at both schools, the longer opening proved not to be an issue!
While the narrative leads the way in this essay, a simple, straightforward line really brings it alive:
“And extending that freedom to others has also proved beneficial.” When the applicant turns
this corner in his essay, he reveals a true sense of altruism. The story is no longer about how a
seemingly selfish trait has driven him but about how his personal desire for freedom has created
opportunities for others to be their best and has had a deep impact on an organization. One can
imagine how this powerful attribute might manifest throughout his career and that he will lead
others in unorthodox ways. The admissions committee can easily recognize that this applicant will
be a welcome “alternative” voice in a classroom where traditional top-down management is the
norm.
By Jeremy Shinewald

Essay A: What matters most to you and why? (Word count: 733)
One year, the summer camp I attended as a boy announced it was getting twelve Kevlar kayaks.
I immediately became obsessed with learning to do an “Eskimo roll,” but my hopes were dashed
when the director explained that each cabin would use the kayaks only once so no campers would
get to kayak more than any others. This struck me as absurd, especially because the kayaks would
subsequently go unused much of the summer. I began campaigning for some campers to go twice.
Every day, I asked to kayak and was denied. Our final day, the exasperated head counselor relented
and allowed some kids to kayak a second time. My excitement was short-lived, though, because he
intentionally did not choose my cabin. It was bittersweet, but I still preferred watching those lucky
campers paddle around over seeing the kayaks sitting idle. My doggedness that summer was the
first public expression of my impulse to question the status quo and be open to contrary ideas that
may advance the greater good. I constantly strive to balance my penchant for challenging strictures
1 With this statement, the applicant
is able to present his thesis for his with my dedication to morality and the pursuit of improvement. 1
essay without explicitly stating,
“What matters to me is....”
In high school, I tried to meld levity and logic when contesting long-standing rules. I entreated our
principal for months to let us host a “battle of the bands.” She steadfastly opposed the idea, because
one had failed a decade earlier (a decade!). I recruited some friends to help me serenade her with a
song I’d written about the event’s possible benefits, and after laughing at my feeble air guitar skills,
she finally acquiesced. We ultimately sold so many tickets to kids from other schools that our own
students attended for free. In college, I worked with our administration to expand the number
of study abroad options available and thus got to spend a year at Cape Town University, the first
student in my school to ever do so. Someone needed to speak up to initiate the program’s expansion,
and I didn’t hesitate to be that someone.
When I launched my professional career, I naively chose investment banking, even though friends
had warned me I was too nonconformist for that world. After training, I joined a real estate team as
an analyst, excited to start hands-on learning. I was immediately given a stack of menus and tasked
with picking up dinner each night. I diplomatically suggested the team share the responsibility
but was told that everyone at the firm was expected to follow the same structured path in the exact
same way. I left within a year. I believe if I had done more diligence, I could have avoided this
cultural mismatch. Determined not to repeat that mistake, I found a start-up whose culture I could
help shape.
I became only the fourth employee at Wirrled—“Healthy shakes delivered to your door!” Everyone
was overbooked, so I was free to identify and address problems without prior authorization. Despite
my lack of tech knowledge, I worked with outsourced providers to optimize our site for mobile
devices and develop an app. I restructured our pricing plan to provide an incentive for customers to
order for the long term, securing valuable recurring revenue. I studied successful investor decks,
refined our pitch, got feedback from friends in the VC community, and concluded a $2.2M series A
round within four months. The freedom I have at Wirrled allows me to act in the company’s best

interests whenever opportunities for improvement arise. And extending that freedom to others has
also proved beneficial.
As COO, I oversee two key teams (Web operations and kitchen and product sourcing) and personally
hire every new employee, seeking independent-minded people. I explain that we welcome new
ideas and encourage pushback against potentially unproductive processes and proposals. Every
employee knows from the start that ours is an ownership culture—we offer fairness, dignity, and
commitment and expect the same in return. I am thrilled when someone on our kitchen team
2 This applicant clearly knows
challenges a new recipe before production starts. 2 I love when people speak up in the company’s how to “walk the walk” and is
interests. I would never want to quash that spirit. I believe my colleagues and I thrive at Wirrled particularly effective in embracing
new and contrasting viewpoints—
primarily because opinions are encouraged, heard, and weighed, and meritorious ones enacted. I
an important quality in someone
hope to marry this mind-set and my experience at Wirrled with the skills I will gain from my MBA who often voices such viewpoints
to create my own successful enterprise in the future. 3 himself.
3 Again, you do not need to make

your case for an MBA in your GSB
essay—especially if you need
the word count to make more
important or relevant points—but
if referring to your motivation for
pursuing the degree is part of a
natural conclusion to your story,
as it is here, that is more than
acceptable. You do not need to
avoid the topic if it is somehow
material in the context of your
essay.

Jocelyn: Three Traits for the Win
HBS Version
For her HBS essay, this applicant, Jocelyn, uses a mosaic approach—a compilation of stories to
illustrate different themes. She chooses to emphasize three core skills of hers (getting things
accomplished, perceiving and connecting, and building strong teams) and concludes her essay by
asserting how these skills have facilitated her career path and clarified her vision for her post-MBA
goals. A mosaic essay can run the risk of feeling disjointed (you do not necessarily have the benefit
of chronological order to help with flow), so if you use this strategy, you must be sure to connect
your different elements through smart transitions and reflection. As Jocelyn demonstrates in this
essay, when the approach is done well, the admissions committee gets a very robust picture of who
you are.
Within the essay itself, we learn of Jocelyn’s willingness to follow her own path and help others feel
better supported to do the same. We also discover her love for her family, her disappointment at
being rejected and resulting desire to encourage inclusivity for others, and her ability to develop
trusting relationships. In addition, each of Jocelyn’s stories captures her inclinations as a leader.
Throughout, she demonstrates conviction with regard to who she is and what she will bring to her
next endeavors, and her sincerity assures the reader that her inclination toward action and impact
will continue long into the future.
By Liza Weale

When I was 16, my brother and I flew to Las Vegas to help my dad man his booth at the Consumer
Electronics Show. I figured it would be a mini vacation, including eating out at restaurants and
chilling by the pool. Instead, it consisted of long days for my brother and me, and even longer for
my dad. He’d get up at the crack of dawn to get a head start at the convention center, stay late to
clean up and then spend the evening working on emails and planning for the following day. I was
1 This opening is endearing. We can
amazed at how much he did—and still does. 1 Though my dad is his own boss, he works late nights easily understand that Jocelyn was
and weekends to ensure his small business will prosper. My dad knew that his children’s educations excited about her trip to Las Vegas,
naïvely assuming that it would be a
and well-being along with his own name and reputation relied on his hard work; not taking action
vacation. Instead, she gains a new
was never a possibility. He’s given me a core value: If I want something accomplished, I can—and appreciation for her father’s work
should—take action. ethic and sense of ownership—and

begins to internalize the same traits
herself.
Years after my trip to Vegas, as a summer analyst at BankCo, I was the only female of the five
interns from Duke. I questioned why more qualified women were not applying for investment
banking jobs. Even my own mother, a former investment banker, told me to avoid investment
banking—the hours “too long,” the environment “too cut-throat.” But I couldn’t have been happier
with my decision. I thrived in the fast-paced setting and enjoyed the intellectual challenge. I was
convinced other women were missing out on an important career opportunity. Once at BankCo
full-time, I spearheaded a women’s-only recruiting event on Duke’s campus. Within a few months,
I was meeting with 30 women who were thinking about interning at BankCo. I shared why I found
banking rewarding, why BankCo was a phenomenal place to start a career, and how to navigate a
male-dominated profession. I kept an open dialogue with these women for weeks after the event,
coaching them through the recruiting process via emails and phone calls. This year, 50% of the
incoming class of analysts at BankCo from Duke are women, and I’m helping one of the analysts
2 Note that Jocelyn makes sure
that I recruited to BankCo prepare for a transition into private equity. 2 to share the results of her effort.
Sometimes, applicants are wary
of including results, lest the
More recently, one of Equity Privy’s portfolio companies needed capital, but the management team
admissions reader think they
didn’t know what the future of their business looked like. I was available to help, but to build an are bragging. By stating her
operational plan, I needed input from the CEO and CFO, who were not responding to my emails. observations and actions, Jocelyn
connects us to her intention. Not
Taking matters into my own hands, I suggested to my boss that I fly out to see them. As I’d hoped,
only do we not view her mention
meeting in-person helped; they explained that the new partnerships in three distinct markets, of the increase in the percentage
all with various ownership and accounting structures, were making it difficult to know where of women as “bragging,” but we
are also eager to read about the
to start. Over the course of multiple trips to Vancouver, I simplified the financial complexity of
positive outcomes because we
the business by creating a detailed forecast model that analyzed and projected each of their six understand her motivations. And
markets. The model was not only extremely helpful for the company but also provided the Equity remember, HBS, like all the top MBA
programs, wants candidates who
Privy’s deal team a clear and concise picture of the business. Once at risk of not even being able to
can effect change!
ask for capital, the company leveraged the model to secure the additional investment and is working
towards a clear goal.

3 We know from the opening of her
essay that Jocelyn’s father is an The satisfaction I felt from building the model came not only from jumping in and getting it done,
incredibly hard worker and holds but also perceiving the best working style for the CEO and CFO. As a sophomore in high school, I
himself to a high bar, yet here we
went through some hurtful experiences with a then-friend of mine—a moment that could have just
also learn that he can get sucked
into watching sports. This is such a fallen into the “high school drama” bucket, but instead, one that taught me to think of other people’s
small detail, but what jumps out to perspectives early on. Realizing that the CEO and CFO were too overwhelmed to deal with email, I
me about it is that we discover that
focused on figuring out an alternative way to engage them.
Jocelyn’s father is, well… human.
He is perfect and admirable in
many ways, but not in all—which Perceiving people’s needs has proven valuable outside of work too. A few years ago, when my
makes him more likable, and, by
87-year-old grandma, Dottie, broke her hip, my dad immediately went to Florida to help. Yet, I
extension, Jocelyn, as well.
knew my father’s idea of help was simply being in her hospital room—even if intently watching
4 The mosaic approach gives you
March Madness while there. 3 Meanwhile, I also knew Dottie: proud, fiercely independent and
considerable flexibility in terms
of how you can sequence your undoubtedly frustrated to be in rehab. She’d need someone to talk to, to take her mind off things
essay. Jocelyn wrote about her and to ask for help when she wouldn’t. Recognizing the gap between their definitions of “help,” I
current career in investing a few
headed down that weekend. I took her on walks, ordered her meals, and coordinated her needs with
paragraphs earlier, and now she is
reflecting on her time in college. the staff. I didn’t fully eliminate her frustration, but I helped her realize that determination and
When you do not have the benefit patience were more powerful outlooks. I perceived what she needed and what my dad was able to
of chronology to aid the flow of
provide, and bridged the gap to do what was best for everyone involved.
your essay, you need to incorporate
transitions that effectively connect
your different topics. My abilities to perceive and connect have strengthened my leadership and team-building skills as
well. During my freshman and sophomore years at Duke, I loved being part of the club basketball
5 As the reader, I am left wondering
whether Jocelyn’s path at this team—the good-hearted competition, physical activity, and new friendships were highlights of
point is typical. She notes that my college days. 4 As a junior, I was elected captain. My goals were to ensure not only that the
she has “worked closely with [her]
program continue but also that the team foster camaraderie. By senior year, I asked a junior to
superiors to shape [her] third year.”
At the very least, this reinforces be my co-captain. In doing so, I knew the team would be in good hands after I left. As captain, I
the notion that Jocelyn is driven created a strong culture by immersing myself in the team experience and learned to delegate at the
to “take action,” as she asserted
appropriate time to ensure the culture continued.
earlier in her essay, rather than
letting her path be determined by
others. Moreover, many private Now, these skills I have developed—getting things accomplished, perceiving and connecting,
equity firms have two-year
and building strong teams—are taking me closer to my goals: to join and grow a small consumer
associate programs. Is the third
year a rarity? If so, is it evidence of company with a strong brand mission. I have worked closely with my superiors to shape my third
Jocelyn’s strong performance at the year at Equity Privy in a way that will provide me with additional operating experience while
firm? She might explain such details
still creating value for the firm. 5 Taking on a consultant-type role, I’m leading the Operational
elsewhere in her HBS application,
which is fine. That said, if you have Upgrade initiative for one of our companies. In this role I’m constantly adjusting and improving
accolades to share, make sure that my leadership skills to guide the five members of the senior management team towards a cohesive,
you do so somewhere—in your
Board-approved plan that will achieve 5x growth in sales by the end of 2021.
essay, your resume, the online
application. You can even appeal
to your recommenders to sing your As I think about my professional development, I see HBS as the next best step. The case study
praises. But whatever you do, do
method and interacting with classmates from all over the world will challenge me to consider
not leave it to chance that HBS will
assume your success! Remember multiple perspectives when making decisions. Furthermore, the exposure to leaders, experiences,
that the school wants candidates and companies through both classes and FIELD will help me step into a company and continue
who stand out from the crowd,
“doing,” just as my father taught me.
and if your firm believes you are
someone who does just that, be
sure to let HBS know.

Jocelyn: The “High School Drama” Bucket
GSB Version
If you have read Jocelyn’s HBS essay (page 156), you might remember that we identified it as an
example of the “mosaic approach”—an approach that weaves together several different themes. Yet
what works for HBS does not necessarily work for the Stanford GSB, which asks you what matters
most, not what several things matter a lot! Jocelyn was smart to jettison the mosaic approach for
her GSB essay and focus instead on the singular force that motivates her above all else. For her, this
is relationships, pure and simple. Why? She discovers how valuable relationships are when some
are taken away from her, and as she builds new ones, she realizes not only how much stronger they
make her feel but also how relationships allow her to make an impact in the world around her.
I like this essay because the answer is not necessarily bold or earth-shattering. Certainly, you might
think, “Well, anyone could say relationships. How has she differentiated herself by talking about
relationships?” And I would have two responses to your critique. One, trying to “differentiate”
yourself in the business school process is the wrong goal; such a goal will have you thinking about
how the admissions committee will perceive you, as well as imagining the qualities that others in
the applicant pool offer, rather than reflecting on your truest motivations and how to communicate
them. Please, strike “differentiate” from your vocabulary in the MBA application process! It is an
overused word that too often leads to bad choices.
Second, the GSB is not looking for the cleverest or most inspiring answer. Far from it. Instead, the
school seek merely to understand who you are, at your core, and how this force has influenced you
in your life.
By Liza Weale

My four friends and I were inseparable my sophomore year of high school. We did everything
together, from going to the mall, to eating dinner, to having sleepovers. A simple misunderstanding
changed everything. I unintentionally hurt my friend Amy by not inviting her to my house, thinking
she’d told me she had prior plans. The repercussions of my oversight were strong—she intentionally
hurt me in return and encouraged my other three friends to abandon me as well. What should have
just fallen into the “high school drama” bucket, unfortunately didn’t. It changed me, leaving me
1 Jocelyn’s opening is appealing
because of its realness. The GSB both hurt and wary about relationships throughout the rest of high school. 1
has a dauntingly low, single-
digit acceptance rate. Would-be
While I was excited to transition to Duke, I was still nervous about forming relationships. As I
applicants often hesitate to apply
because they do not believe they began to meet my peers, however, the nervousness faded. My classmates at Duke shared common
have done anything “special” traits—friendly, driven, and eager to learn. I felt very connected to the community and wanted to
enough to impress the admissions
make sure others did too. By year’s end, I applied and was accepted to be an Advisor for incoming
committee. Jocelyn begins her
essay by talking about a teenage freshmen. I loved getting to know new students and helping them navigate Duke’s vast curriculum
spat between girlfriends; there is and endless possibilities of extracurricular activities. Meanwhile, I found my own mentors
nothing terribly special about that.
through club basketball and built strong friendships with the upperclassmen on my team. I sought
Yet the story works well, not despite
its banality but because of it. We to fill their shoes when I was elected captain junior year, focusing on building a supportive yet
are all probably familiar with the competitive team that used basketball as a means to connect, despite our different backgrounds.
pain of being intentionally deserted
Senior year, I nominated a junior, Cate, to be my co-captain. We worked closely together to plan
by friends. The humanity of the
situation makes it relatable. practices, coach games and organize social events off the field. By the end of my last season, I knew
the team was in good hands with Cate, and more importantly, that the culture I helped foster would
prosper after I graduated.
College left me believing that not only could I build strong relationships, but also that these
2 The reflection here helps to
validate Jocelyn’s growth in college. relationships bring out the best qualities in me. 2 As I interviewed for a summer internship,
She made the choice to open my mom, a former investment banker, discouraged me from following her path—the hours
herself up to others and trust them,
“too long,” the environment “too cut-throat.” Yet, the people drew me in. Throughout the entire
and after doing so, she was inspired
to do more. Remember that your interview process and summer internship, full-time employees went out of their way to help me
GSB essay—and your HBS essay, for learn and succeed at BankCo. Thanks to these relationships, I thrived in the fast-paced setting
that matter—should not be just an
and enjoyed the intellectual challenge. Wanting more women to realize that investment banking
organized list of life moments and
accomplishments. Explaining how wasn’t necessarily what they thought or heard, I spearheaded a women-only recruiting event on
certain experiences affected you Duke’s campus, researching venues and reaching out to classmates and professors to market the
shows the admissions committee
event. Within a few months, I was meeting with 30 women who were thinking about potentially
that you have the capacity to learn
and grow—a trait that will enable interning at BankCo, explaining to them why I valued banking and how I approached navigating a
you to make the most of your time male-dominated profession. I kept an open dialogue with these women for weeks after the event,
in the MBA classroom.
coaching them step-by-step through the recruiting process. This year, 50% of the incoming class
of analysts at BankCo from Duke are women, and I’m currently helping one of the analysts that I
recruited to BankCo prepare for a transition to private equity.
I’ve come to realize that as much as I seek out places where I can build strong relationships, I can
also use my ability to build these relationships to effect change. At Equity Privy, the investment

team offer support to our portfolio companies, but it takes trust for the support to matter. When
neither the CEO nor CFO was responding to my emails for input on a critical model needed for
fundraising efforts, I decided to head down to Vancouver to see if in-person would convince them
to let me help. In a meeting the next morning, they revealed that the new partnerships in three
distinct markets, all with various ownership and accounting structures, were making it difficult
to know where to start. Over the next several weeks, we partnered together to create a model that
simplified the ownership and accounting structures in each of their six markets to better analyze
and project the overall business. Collectively, we enabled the company to secure the additional
funding needed. Strong relationships facilitate better results, and strong relationships make those
results more gratifying.
As I grow as a leader, my efforts will be centered on building, fostering, and leveraging strong
relationships. Relationships matter most to me; they’re critical to my happiness and to my success
3 If you have read other critiques
and that of the people around me. 3 in this guide already, you might be
able to predict what I am about to
touch on here. Her career goals! Or
rather, the absence of them. For
some applicants, the answer to
“what matters most” involves their
professional goals, but for others,
their goals are not directly relevant,
which is perfectly reasonable. That
said, the two together—your goals
and what matters most to you—
should be credible and make sense.
For example, in Jocelyn’s case,
we can assume that regardless of
what she does next, relationships
will play a critical role in both her
own fulfillment and her actions as
a leader.

Marcus: Beer-Selling, Data-Loving Runway
Darling
HBS Version
In both his HBS and Stanford GSB (page 166) essays, Marcus reveals himself to be a versatile
leader—a coach, innovator, contrarian, risk-taker, and entrepreneur. He begins his HBS essay
here by quoting Chad Losee, the school’s managing director of MBA admissions and financial aid,
though the quote seems to serve more as proof of his research on the program and less of a thesis
that solidly connects what follows. Once in his narrative, Marcus pivots from the soccer field to
beer to fashion, from Germany to France to Italy, illustrating the range of life experiences he could
contribute to the HBS classroom.
Marcus ends his essay with an audacious vision of the business he wants to create. Note that MBA
programs—including HBS—can be wary of applicants with entrepreneurial goals, given the high
percentage of start-ups that fail. (Business schools need to be somewhat self-serving in this regard:
if all their aspiring entrepreneurs fail, the schools will have a difficult time marketing the power of
their MBA program!) If entrepreneurship is your near-term goal, you will need to convince HBS that
you are well prepared and possess the right mix of skills (strategic, operational, and leadership),
wherewithal, and purpose. You will see how Marcus proves he has each of these in his essay.
By Liza Weale

1 Marcus wastes no time in making
As we review your application, what more would you like us to know as we consider your candidacy his familiarity with HBS known.
(He takes a similar tack in his GSB
essay.) Such explicit references to
the school are fine, but we always
tell candidates, “No one gets into
In 2016, ClearAdmit interviewed Chad Losee and what he said about leadership resonated with me:
HBS or the GSB on love alone!” So, a
“Leaders are people who are interested in others and who want to make a positive difference.” 1 brief mention like Marcus’s can set
This definition of leadership relates to one of my core values—to help others to reach their dreams— the tone for the rest of your essay,
but the focus then needs to be on
and to an inner belief that one has a much higher chance of succeeding with any endeavour, if they what the school really wants to
are supported by a team of like-minded people. learn about—you.
2 The wording here should actually

I fully realized this for the first time back in high school, when I was captain of the soccer team. For be “a dozen others.” Because
of the stories Marcus uses in
three consecutive years, our team did not make it to the finals. Although I was constantly among
his essay—studying in Munich,
the top players, we were at the bottom of the city championship. As captain of the team, I spent working in Paris, traveling to
Italy—we could infer that he might
hours coaching key players and encouraging them to be more brave on the court. My final year, the
not have grown up with English
team came second in the championship, which made the teammates very proud of themselves and as his first language. Small errors
brought me the Player Of The Year title. This lesson taught me a great deal about leadership and in grammar and composition
are okay and can especially be
teamwork, and I apply those lessons in my personal and professional life. forgiven for applicants who speak
more than one language. Even
though the admissions committees
Later, while studying Government and Policy at University of Munich, noticing that there were have little tolerance for sloppily
no such student clubs in GovPoli which would make any substantial input into the development written essays, they do not expect
candidates to be professional-level
of students apart from practicing public speaking, I founded the Analytics for Achievers
writers and understand that an
Club. Eventually, the club consisted of 30 members with excellent academic and leadership error can occasionally slip through.
So, if you notice a small mistake or
achievements, who were picked from the 40,000 students across the University. The idea was to find
awkward phrasing in your essay
like-minded students to run projects in small groups on subjects of mutual interest and then present after you have submitted your
application, do not let this worry
the results during the club’s conference in front of relevant experts from academia and industry.
you. HBS has no incentive to deny
Often, groups consisted of a mix of students from the STEM and Social Science departments, which a stellar applicant acceptance
created well-balanced research papers. Many members were very grateful for such an opportunity to its program because of such a
minor issue; the school would be
and gave feedback that it helped them a lot in establishing the right networks, improving their punishing itself as much as the
research, and getting noticed by employers (among them McKinsey, KMPG, Deloitte, and a dozen of candidate.
others). 2 Time spent with the club not only taught me how to lead highly intellectual and ambitious
3 By mentioning his fellowship at
people, but also enriched my potential immensely. The research we did with my group in the club one of HBS’s sister schools, Marcus
is very subtly implying how strong
eventually helped me to become a Fellow Policy Researcher at the “Breaking Poverty” project at the
his qualifications are. If he was
Harvard Kennedy School of Government. 3 sufficiently accomplished and
capable for the Kennedy School,
that might provide some insight
After graduation, I joined Heineken because it was reputed to have the most challenging graduate into how good a fit he could be for
program across Europe and would allow me to learn about the business comprehensively. By my the business school.
second year, I graduated #1 from the rigorous program by consistently delivering outstanding
4 In their online application
results within teams in sales, distribution, research, and brand marketing. 4 The tipping point in forms, both HBS and the GSB give
applicants the opportunity to make
my career happened the following year, when I challenged the status quo of the strategy for one of
note of awards they have received.
Heineken’s low-alcohol beer brands in Scandinavia, LitZen. By analyzing consumer data and the We assume this is because they
want candidates who break out
pricing model, I proved to the Head of Brands that LitZen required repositioning and rebranding
ahead of the pack. By mentioning
to stop market share loss. Later, I was assigned to lead a cross-functional team to develop the his top performance in his program,
rebranding and optimize the price model. Within a year, the brand gained 5.8pp share and stopped Marcus reinforces the high caliber
of his work.

losing sales volume. The success of this complex project would not have been possible without the
financial expertise and creative input of my cross-functional team of six colleagues. As a result,
most of the team was promoted, and I was offered a position in Heineken’s French headquarters,
where I am now managing our low-alcohol beer strategy in France and Spain.
Heineken gave me all the means to learn about the consumers of almost every country in the world
and how to launch and manage consumer goods globally; however, with Heineken I work with
products that I am neither passionate about nor do I find them contributing positively to society.
Clothing as a product has fascinated me since I was a child. I liked to dress up, follow trends, and
was curious about the biographies of different designers, especially Ralph Lauren and Alexander
McQueen, who excited me the most with their vision and creativity. I did not realize until 2013 that
it was not only my hobby, and also I wanted to create my own product. Hence, in 2013, I started
working on the idea of creating my own luxury fashion brand. Having no experience, but passion
and product management skills, I pulled together a team of world-class talents and attracted
investments. Between 2013 and 2015, we built a luxury fashion brand, Christie & Thomas, in Paris.
Those years of my life were the most productive and enjoyable. I didn’t have any limits—I woke up
at 4 a.m. to work on C&T for 4 hours, then went to my full-time job at the Heineken office in Rueil-
Malmaison, worked a full day, and continued working late into the night. I traveled back and forth
between Holland (global headquarters), France (local Heineken office where I worked and where
the C&T team was), and Italy (where manufacturing was done). I enjoyed this time a lot—I needed
to lead a highly talented team, but I also needed to learn as much as possible from them about the
industry. The deep expertise of my talented team, combined with my leadership and marketing
skills, resulted in Christie & Thomas being invited to Paris Fashion Week. Many opinion leaders in
Paris were talking about us because our team created knitwear that had the quality of top luxury
brands, but was much more stylish and affordable. It was one of the first luxury brands which had
a strategy to sell mainly online; hence, we kept the retail price 30% lower while providing a high
quality product. Despite growth of our customer base, in 2015, our main investor faced a credit
crunch and was forced to pull out funds, and we dissolved the business.
However, I am passionate about fashion as never before. My inner desire to help others reach their
dreams and contribute positively to society led me to the idea of creating a healthcare clothing
5 Marcus is smart to include some
findings from the research he has brand that will contribute to the diagnostic and preventive medicine of common heart diseases.
done. Although he shares many According to the World Health Organization, in 2015, almost 18 million people died in the world
accomplishments and perspectives
from cardiovascular diseases, which was 31% of all deaths. Imagine, underwear that would be able
that will reassure HBS that he can
reach his entrepreneurial goals, to monitor basic heart characteristics and blood pressure continuously. Eventually, smart clothing
healthcare experience is not among will be able to track one’s health daily and notify one’s family and an ambulance in the case of
them. By referencing key statistics
an emergency, raising one’s chances of survival significantly. This would help to save millions of
and related innovations in the
space that support the feasibility lives. Smart clothing technologies already exist partly at MIT, Stockholm University, and at other
of his idea, Marcus helps mitigate institutions and organizations, like Advanced Functional Fabrics of America, located in Cambridge,
this gap while also emphasizing his
MA. Several companies are working in this field such as Google, Samsung, etc.; 5 however, it is hard
commitment to his goal.

for tech companies to create a truly mass-appealing clothing that is attractive because they don’t
have expertise in fashion and their focus is on the technology.
However, to launch a smart clothing brand, it is not enough to have a passion and product and
team management skills. As with all complex products, healthcare clothing requires well-rounded
knowledge, a dedicated team on board, and a network of peers and experts to challenge and support
me. I believe Harvard Business School with its Arthur Rock Center for Entrepreneurship has the
right people and culture that will help me to succeed with launch of this exciting product. The only
6 This is a bit of a cheeky way to end
one question is: will Harvard Business School join me in this venture? 6 the essay. Such attempts at being
this bold can sometimes fall flat or
alienate the reader, but because of
all we have learned about Marcus
thus far from his essay (specifically,
that he tends to think and act
boldly), this final question feels
appropriate. I for one am delighted
that HBS said yes!

Marcus: Beer-Selling, Data-Loving Runway
Darling, Take 2
GSB Version
In his Stanford GSB essay, Marcus shares stories similar to those in his HBS essay (page 162). The
notable differences are (1) the quote from HBS’s Chad Losee is replaced by a reference to a book
by a Stanford professor, and (2) his stories include less detail and specifics, though they maintain
the big ideas. Marcus gives the GSB a lot to like in this essay; his anecdotes reveal the very things
the admissions committee seeks: Intellectual Vitality, Demonstrated Leadership Potential, and
Personal Qualities and Contributions. Although I would likely have encouraged Marcus to more
solidly build out his thesis for this essay (the stories he shares do not fully support his assertion
that what matters most to him is helping others), his success in gaining admission to the GSB goes
to show that the person an admissions reader meets in an essay is often more important than the
mechanics of that essay or the specific response to the prompt.
By Liza Weale

When I turned 30, I experienced an “awakening”: I realized that dying is inevitable. This idea was
so terrifying to me that I left my Paris apartment in the middle of the night to clear my mind and
calm down. Looking for an answer, one book helped me the most: Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the
Terror of Death by Irvin D. Yalom, Emeritus Professor of Psychiatry at Stanford University School of
Medicine. He discusses how to accept death through understanding one’s values and pursuing an
1 Outside of this paragraph, Marcus
ideal by exploring different pathways of living meaningfully. 1 I realized that the moments I am does not mention his fear of death.
truly happy are those when I am helping others. The awakening also gave me a clear sense of how One possible inference as to why
he chose to share this story is
fragile and unique one’s life is. Overall, it helped me understand what I want to do in my life next:
that he wanted to demonstrate to
help people by creating healthcare clothing which could save millions of lives. the admissions committee that
his familiarity and connection
with the GSB extends beyond his
The first memorable time I experienced happiness helping others was as captain of my high school
application. Given the school’s
soccer team. For three consecutive years, our team did not make it to the finals. As captain, I felt prompt, making such references
how demotivated my teammates were because of our losses. I spent hours coaching key players to the GSB in your essay is not
necessary, but some applicants are
and encouraging them to be more brave on the field. My final year, the team came second in the
understandably eager to do so. If
championship, which made everyone very proud. I still remember feeling an incredible sense of you are such a candidate, keep the
achievement in knowing that my efforts had helped to make my team’s dreams come true. reference brief, and do your best to
tie it to the rest of your essay. By the
end of this paragraph, we learn of
Later, while studying Government and Policy at University of Munich, I founded the Expert Marcus’s post-MBA goal, which sets
Analytical Club. The club consisted of 30 members with excellent academic and leadership the stage for the rest of his essay.
achievements. The idea was to run projects in small groups, researching subjects of mutual
interest and then presenting the results in front of relevant experts from academia and industry.
This helped many members improve their research and get noticed by employers (among them,
McKinsey, KMPG, Deloitte, and others). I felt deep satisfaction in knowing that my venture had
made a positive difference and helped people to succeed in their aspirations.
2 Kudos to Marcus for surprising the
reader here. Yes, he did mention
After graduation, I joined Heineken because it had the most challenging graduate program across his goal of developing healthcare
clothing in his initial paragraph,
Europe and would allow me to learn about the business comprehensively. Heineken has given me
but I still did not expect this twist
all the means to learn about the consumers of almost every country in the world and how to launch in the middle of his discussion of
and manage consumer goods globally; however, I work with something that I am neither passionate his Heineken career. Although it is
somewhat abrupt, his declaration
about nor do I find it helping others. In contrast, I have been interested in clothing since I was
of interest in clothing certainly
young. Clothing allows us to express ourselves better and can positively influence our lives. 2 One captures my attention! And my
year into my career at Heineken, while on rotation to its French headquarters, I decided to create attention is rewarded in the next
few sentences when I discover that
my own product. Despite having no experience, I pulled together a team of world-class talents and
Marcus channels his passion into
attracted investments. Between 2013 and 2015, we built a luxury fashion brand, Christie & Thomas, developing an actual brand.
in Paris.
3 We can really feel Marcus’s energy
and excitement in these sentences.
Those years of my life were the most productive and enjoyable. I didn’t have any limits—I woke By describing his hectic schedule
and demanding commute without
up at 4 a.m. to work on C&T for 4 hours, then went to my full-time job at the Heineken office in
complaining about either, he
Rueil-Malmaison, worked a full day, and continued working late into the night. I traveled back reminds us how motivating and
and forth between Holland, France, and Italy. 3 I loved working on the product, making a positive invigorating working on something
you love can be.

contribution to the industry—delivering the highest-possible quality at an affordable price. The
deep expertise of my talented team, combined with my leadership and marketing skills, resulted in
C&T being invited to Paris Fashion Week and a growing customer base, but our main investor faced
4 Wow. This was not just a small
side hobby; Marcus created a a credit crunch and was forced to pull out funds, and we dissolved the business. 4
clothing line so influential, it made
it to the runways of Paris! The
However, I am passionate about fashion as never before. The awakening experience helped me
venture’s success is particularly
remarkable given that Marcus was define the product I want to develop next—a healthcare brand of clothing that will help prevent
juggling brands and strategy at and detect common heart diseases. According to the World Health Organization, in 2015 almost
Heineken at the same time. Yes,
18 million people died in the world from cardiovascular diseases, which was 31% of all deaths.
C&T ultimately failed, but many
ideas never get this far. Featuring Imagine underwear that would be able to monitor basic heart characteristics and blood pressure
a story of a much less developed continuously. Eventually, smart clothing will be able to track one’s health daily and notify
or successful venture in your essay
one’s family and an ambulance in the case of an emergency, raising one’s chances of survival
would not be equally additive or
worthwhile. In this case, Marcus’s significantly. This would help to save millions of lives and make a meaningful difference in the
commitment, passion, and skills world.
enabled results that make this a
start-up story absolutely worth
sharing.

Gwen: Finding and Focusing a Future
HBS Version
In this essay, the applicant describes a search for meaning and purpose against the backdrop of
well-meaning resistance (if not outright pressure) from her family. Some might have concerns that
as the candidate engages in her pursuit, she might come across as a dilettante, but what eventually
becomes clear is that her search was truly about finding fit, not about dabbling in different fields
just for fun. Ultimately, when the applicant succeeds in finding her calling, she commits to it
wholeheartedly. She does much more than just complete her term with Teach for America, she
drives results in the classroom throughout it and then stays with the organization to train others,
before then determining that she wants an MBA/MPP so she can delve even further into education
leadership as a superintendent. Whatever dabbling she once did is now very much behind her, and
the variety of her pursuits arguably emphasizes the intensity of her focus. Because her goals are all
so different and so integral to who she is, she can write a professionally focused essay in a way that
most candidates from “typical” fields cannot.
Another concern a reader might have is that the applicant’s story reveals that she is in conflict with
her family. Let this be proof, then, that not every story in your essay has to be “rosy”; this candidate
does an excellent job of showing her family’s appreciation for education (though not, at first, for
educating others!) without being disrespectful to them or their values. In fact, she shares how she
slowly wins them over to her vision, balancing her understandable desire for their approval with
her own determined spirit. Finally, in relaying her impressive track record as an educator, she also
weaves into the narrative that she has a naturally quantitative mind, thereby showing that even
though she might be from an unconventional background, she can still manage the MBA curriculum
and indeed contribute analytically to the school’s next incoming class.
By Jeremy Shinewald

The day I earned my driver’s license, my father tossed me the car keys and said, “Now you can take
your grandmother shopping.” Each week, my spry eighty-year-old Granny brought an enthusiasm
and focus to grocery shopping that suggested we were embarking on a serious adventure, rather
than just another trip up and down the same old aisles of our local Economart. Every price label
was scrutinized, every coupon triple-checked. One time, she was selecting cabbages and started
peeling off the outermost leaves. Thinking this might be a trick to identify the freshest cabbage,
I asked what she was doing. She blurted out, “I’m not paying for wilted leaves!” I took the wilted
leaves to the nearest scale and weighed them—two cents worth of cabbage. She laughed and said,
1 Sharing a formative experience
about family is appropriate, but “We grew up with so little. Old habits die hard.” 1
take care not to spend too much
time discussing someone else.
I am fortunate to have never experienced the kind of scarcity she has known, 2 never needed to
Keep the details you share about
another person’s life relevant to the practice such tactics for economizing. In some ways, my family embodies the American Dream. My
impact it has had on you. grandparents on both sides were immigrants from Eastern Europe, and they all fiercely believed
in education as a liberator and accelerator. Every extra cent they had, they used to make sure my
2 Acknowledging your good fortune
is nothing you need to avoid or shy parents had whatever they needed to succeed in school. My mother and father were the first in their
away from in your essays, as long extended families to graduate not just from high school but also from college (where they met) and
as you avoid portraying yourself as
then graduate school. My mother became a lawyer, and my father, a doctor. To an outsider, the story
spoiled or unappreciative. Here, the
applicant offers this information could not seem more stereotypical.
about her privilege judiciously and
respectfully, to provide the reader
The background mantra in my family was very clear and deeply rooted: Education. Education.
with context for her subsequent
choices and her family’s initial Education. That was all anyone ever preached to me, and it became a kind of soundtrack to my
mind-set. formative years. Education was the antidote to the scarcity my grandparents had endured, the life
preserver that had then kept my parents afloat and safe from want. Clearly, all efforts must be made
to gird against a backslide down the socioeconomic ladder. My mother repeatedly “encouraged” me
to become a lawyer, and whenever anyone asked me what I “wanted to be when I grew up,” that was
my knee-jerk response. But after discussing college options with my high school guidance counselor
one day, I realized I didn’t really understand what being a lawyer meant beyond what I had seen on
Law & Order. Excited at what she perceived as evidence I would follow in her footsteps, my mother
asked a colleague at a different firm if I could job shadow him over spring break. My planned five-
day stint in his office lasted less than three. I did not want to be a lawyer.
I needed to find another option. Before my parents could panic at my sudden lack of a firm future
plan, I pursued other job shadow opportunities by calling on family friends. I knew that even if
the outcome was negative, the experiences would be helpful. I could cross options off my list and
3 Incorporating a little humor into
your essay is certainly acceptable, narrow my choices. I spent time with a doctor (fun fact: blood makes me dizzy!), 3 the equipment
particularly if it is in line with your manager for a AAA baseball team, and a real estate agent. Although none of these paths clicked
character. Here, the applicant is not
with me, by the time I started college, I knew I enjoyed some level of structure, wanted to engage
trying to come across as a stand-up
comic but is instead offering a my analytical side, and liked being surrounded by driven and interesting people.
glimpse of her personality.

While an undergrad, I considered—and completed summer internships in—both consulting and
equity research, but neither one felt right. I did a brief mini internship in brand management
during a break, and although I liked the people and pace, I just couldn’t get excited about the selling
4 Although the admissions
aspect of the business. 4 I discovered that I also needed a deep sense of purpose in my work. A committees want to see a level of
friend of my roommate’s suggested I look into Teach For America (TFA). When I did, all the pieces enthusiasm for and commitment to
a long-term professional future, you
seemed to fall into place. I completed the application and interview during my senior year, and soon
do not need to imply in your essay
after graduation, I began the onboarding process, preparing to teach STEM subjects to 7th and 8th that you have never considered or
graders in inner-city St. Louis that fall. Despite my excitement, my parents seemed to regard my pursued other options along the
way. The schools understand that
choice as some sort of betrayal. After they had worked so hard to position me to succeed they 5 same
most candidates have explored
way they had, how could I instead choose to be an inner-city math teacher? What kind of future various interests before ultimately
would I have? Why was I wasting my potential this way? These were just a few of their questions. embarking on a path that has led
them to pursuing an MBA.
Whether I was happy did not seem to matter. For people who had gained so much from this
country’s educational system and who regarded it so highly, they were excessively focused on the
5 Clearly, the applicant missed
benefits of the learning side of the equation and seemingly blind to the import of the teaching side. this typo before submitting her
essay. This sort of minor error
is not something you need to
As a TFA teacher, I taught classes of up to twenty-five adolescents, many of whom lived every day
worry about, though, and it will
with the kind of scarcity I myself had been spared, and few of whom had been sold on the value definitely not prevent you from
of education the way I had. The job was not an easy one, and some students presented more of a being accepted to HBS (or the GSB).
Multiple, habitual typos could imply
challenge than others, but I was determined to pour my all into my role and took my responsibility
to the admissions committee that
to these young minds extremely seriously. I was compelled not just to teach my students but to you lack either attention to detail or
connect with each one individually and show them all that their success was important to me. I a sense of professional pride, so do
your best to proofread your essays
did my best to create a sense of mutual accountability. At a school where less than 50% of students
well, but one or two simple typos
were meeting their tiered growth goals on the nationwide Measures of Academic Progress, just would not be a problem.
over 70% of my students were on target both years of my TFA tenure. As a math person, I found
these numbers highly motivating. Meanwhile, I took a leadership role beyond the classroom and
developed a schoolwide emotional health curriculum that engaged fifty students. I then expanded
my efforts by creating teach-ins for the school’s faculty, so that they, too, could find effective outlets
for relieving the stress of our challenging jobs. While I cannot honestly say that I was “happy” every
moment of every day, I was deeply and undeniably fulfilled.
During my second year with TFA, my parents came to visit me in St. Louis and sat in on my class
one afternoon. They finally got to see me in my element—in the zone. They saw my kids laughing,
engaged, and genuinely enthusiastic about the lesson I was teaching that day. They told me later
they’d overheard one boy tell a classmate, “I wish all our classes were like this!” Witnessing it all
6 Here, the applicant seems to
firsthand, my parents 6 finally—if reluctantly—understood that I had made the right choice for imply a need for her parents’
myself. My path might never lead to the kind of economic security they had envisioned for me, but approval, which some candidates
might fear would indicate a certain
my work would reward me in ways I found much more valuable.
level of immaturity. However,
she has clearly (and maturely)
When my time as a corps member ended, I became a manager with TFA’s Teacher Leadership proceeded on her chosen career
path without it, so this allusion
Development team, training forty teachers and helping to establish and track their development
merely shows her continued
plans. By “influencing the influencers” in this way, I have gained a sense of how to uncover and respect for her parents’ opinion
amplify the strengths of other skilled professionals. Education is profoundly exciting to me, both and her happiness at their eventual
acceptance of her choice.

as a professional field and as an avenue for personal growth, which is why I have decided to pursue
7 Although the school does not
explicitly ask candidates to discuss my MBA/MPP. 7 I am eager to influence the public debate about education and to experiment,
why they are pursuing an MBA innovative, and, frankly, shake up 8 our educational system for the betterment of all involved:
in their essay, this applicant’s
students, teachers, and administrators alike.
reference to the degree here is
fitting for the context. She has a
very specific purpose for earning Although I’m well past the age when people ask me what I want to be “when I grow up,” I finally
this degree, and this is a key part of
have a clear answer to the question. My long-term goal is to become the superintendent of a large
the story she is sharing.
school division. Having now job shadowed three different superintendents, I am confident the
role is a great fit for me and aligns well with not only my existing interests and skills but also
8 The applicant is unabashedly
bold about her long-term goal, those I anticipate gaining through my additional training and exposure. 9 Although my parents
which shows her enthusiasm and and grandparents had very different intentions when they constantly repeated their Education.
ambition.
Education. Education. mantra, they were ultimately successful in passing their obsession on to me.
I plan to carry on their tradition and beliefs, but I’ll do so from the other side of the classroom,
9 Again, the applicant shows
that her goals are clear, well helping people pursue their own American Dream.
thought out, and a purposeful
extension of her experience.
Because her intended path is a
differentiated, rather than typical,
one, making sure the admissions
reader understands it—and her
commitment to it—is good.

Gwen: A Future Found, Quite Honestly
GSB Version
This applicant’s HBS essay counterpart (page 169) followed such a clear narrative structure that
paring it back to meet the Stanford GSB’s much stricter word limit is a manageable task. The
candidate seems to have written her HBS essay first and then cut… and cut… and cut. Still, almost
all the main plot points remain intact, and she even maintains some of the fun details that give her
narrative color and character. For example, the quirky job-shadowing details show a level of open-
mindedness, or even fearlessness, on her part, such as her experience shadowing a AAA baseball
equipment manager—likely an unexpected choice for a female high school student. Her essay is
clearly about becoming resolute in her mission, but she shares that her journey thus far has not all
been a walk in the park; she states, “Although I cannot honestly say I was ‘happy’ every moment
of every day, I was deeply and undeniably fulfilled.” Similarly, she shows that she understands the
realities of her work going forward: “My path might never provide the level of economic security
they had envisioned for me, but it would reward me in ways I found much more valuable.” The
admissions committees welcome this kind of honesty. Applicants should convey a true sense
of their values, and exhibiting an understanding of the realities of one’s choices adds a dose of
integrity, especially in an essay about finding one’s calling.
By Jeremy Shinewald

As soon as I could drive, I began regularly taking my grandmother grocery shopping. These trips
were serious affairs—she scrutinized every price label, triple-checked every coupon. Once, she
peeled the outermost leaves off a cabbage to save a whole two cents. “We grew up with so little,” she
explained. “Old habits die hard.” I am fortunate to have never experienced the kind of scarcity she
endured. Chasing the American Dream, my grandparents on both sides immigrated from Eastern
Europe with a fierce belief in education as a liberator and accelerator. Every extra cent went to
further my parents’ success in school. They became the first to graduate not just from high school
but also college and graduate school. My mother became a lawyer, and my father, a doctor. My
family’s mantra has always been clear and deeply rooted: Education. Education. Education. This
soundtrack to my formative years embedded itself in my heart. Education was the antidote to my
grandparents’ poverty, the life preserver that kept my parents afloat and safe from want.
When I was young, I assumed I would eventually become a lawyer, like my mother. But in high
school, I realized I did not actually understand what that entailed, so I job shadowed one of my
mother’s colleagues over spring break. My planned five-day stint in his office lasted just two. I did
not want to be a lawyer. I began pursuing other job shadow opportunities to learn more about my
options. I spent time with a doctor, a AAA baseball team’s equipment manager, and a real estate
agent. Although none of these paths resonated with me, the experiences taught me that I enjoy
structure, engaging my analytical side, and being around interesting people.
As an undergrad, I completed internships in consulting, equity research, and brand management,

but none felt right. I craved a sense of purpose in my work. After a friend suggested I consider Teach
For America (TFA), all the pieces started falling into place. Soon after graduation, I began preparing
to teach STEM subjects to middle schoolers in St. Louis. Unfortunately, my parents regarded my
choice as some sort of betrayal. They had worked so hard to position me to succeed and felt that
being an inner-city math teacher was wasting my potential and offered no real future. Despite
having gained so much from our educational system and regarding it so highly, they could only see
the benefits of learning and not the import of teaching.
Many of the kids I taught via TFA lived daily with the impoverishment I had been spared, and few
1 Do not shy away from
acknowledging ups and downs. By believed in the value of education. The job was difficult, 1 and some students more challenging than
presenting a purely smooth path others, but I was determined and took my responsibility to these young minds extremely seriously.
to where you are today, you risk
I was compelled to connect with each student individually, communicating that their success truly
undermining the sense of sincerity
in your essay. The applicant’s mattered to me. Just over 70% of my students met their growth goals on the nationwide Measures
honesty here reveals not only her of Academic Progress both years of my TFA tenure, compared with less than 50% for the school as
authenticity but also her dedication
a whole. Although I cannot honestly say I was “happy” every moment of every day, I was deeply and
to her path and willingness to work
hard to achieve it. undeniably fulfilled.
While visiting me during my second TFA year, my parents sat in on my class and got to see me in
my element. My students were laughing, engaged, and genuinely enthusiastic about the lesson I

was teaching. They even overheard one boy say, “I wish all our classes were like this!” Witnessing
it firsthand, my parents finally—if reluctantly—understood I had made the right choice. My path
might never provide the level of economic security they had envisioned for me, but it would reward
me in ways I found much more valuable.
After my teaching tenure, I became a manager with TFA’s Teacher Leadership Development team,
training instructors and helping establish and track their development plans. This has taught me
much about amplifying others’ strengths. Education has been both a provider and a motivator in
my life, keeping me grounded while lifting me up. I am pursuing my MBA/MPP because I want
to play an integral role in the betterment of our educational system—for students, teachers, and
administrators alike. Although my parents and grandparents had different intentions behind their
Education. Education. Education. mantra, I did ultimately inherit their obsession. I plan to carry
on their tradition and beliefs, but from the front of the classroom, helping others pursue their own
2 Can we say that education is
American Dream. 2 definitely what matters most
to this applicant? Or is it the
American Dream? Helping others
pursue the American Dream?
That this candidate’s thesis is a
little malleable is okay, given that
she has clearly demonstrated
strong, positive values and a
commitment to a cause and a
path. She obviously knows what
matters to her, and that clarity and
authenticity are what will stand out
to the admissions reader.

Zach: Trains, Planes, and Automobiles
HBS Version
This applicant has no shortage of really compelling accomplishments, ranging from building an
entire school’s sense of worth to expanding the appeal of STEM-focused education to identifying
a time-, dollar-, and morale-saving solution at a blue-chip stalwart. Zach did not let the defeatism
that infiltrated his struggling hometown prevent him from progressing on a journey of growth,
leadership, and impact, and his essay illustrates his willingness to roll up his sleeves and dig in,
regardless of how daunting the challenge.
Given that this guide features successful HBS (and Stanford GSB) essays, we know that Zach
was admitted—and based on his achievements, we fully agree with HBS’s decision. So take this
next comment with a grain of salt: his essay is long… perhaps too long. Clocking in at more than
1,700 words, it encompasses five distinct stories. By the time I reached the end of his story about
strengthening and expanding a STEM organization’s impact, I assumed that the essay—already
over 1,000 words—would soon end. But no! Perhaps Zach was hesitant to exclude any mention of a
professional accomplishment. His story of introducing a new process into an aerospace behemoth
is inarguably revealing (indeed, it highlights his analytical prowess and ability to think boldly,
among other traits HBS values), but by beginning such a story when the essay is already quite long,
you risk losing the admissions reader’s attention. Tactically, I would have suggested trimming some
of his story about working with the STEM organization. Although Zach’s strategy ultimately worked,
please remember that once you start pushing the limits with regard to your essay’s length, you are
placing additional demands on the admissions reader that could backfire.
My critique of Zach’s GSB essay (page 180) follows this one, and I offer this teaser to entice you: it is
completely different from this one. (Admittedly, simply reducing this essay by roughly 1,000 words
to fit the GSB’s suggested word count would have been very difficult.)
By Liza Weale

I have loved giant machines from the moment I was a child. I grew up in an industrial town in the
Midwest. Our history in production can be traced all the way back to the American Manufacturing
Belt, when our factories churned out train parts—and eventually car parts and then entire cars. I
1 This sentence is so simple,
fell asleep every night listening to trains lumber auto parts along the Central line. 1 With a pedigree yet evocative. We can almost
like that, I found it impossible to ignore the mechanisms of the systems in the world around me— hear the trains, too. We cannot
overemphasize this point: vivid
but mostly because they were usually broken and I fantasized about fixing them.
details and specifics matter. They
make your story one that only you
When our auto factories closed after the Great Recession, the former employees left the city and can tell!
took their tax money with them. This led our public schools to start my senior year $22 million in
debt. The citizens voted to consolidate with a neighboring district, and it was announced shortly
after that almost every teacher would be laid off on the last day of school. By January 1st half of my
teachers had left for other jobs. I’ll always remember the day I walked into AP stats and noticed
Ms. Jacobson wasn’t in the room. After a half hour passed with no showing I walked to the vice-
principal’s office to ask where our teacher was. Ms. Jacobson had left without even saying goodbye,
and the principal had forgotten to tell us. “Abandoned and Forgotten” would have been a great name
for our yearbook. Our senior song was literally “Trapped’” by 2Pac.
My class realized that if we wanted an education and a senior year experience, we’d have to take
matters into our own hands. It forced us to come together and start working for each other. In
a system that left students frustrated and ashamed of the school they went to, I just wanted to
change the mental narrative we told ourselves. I thought we had something to be proud of, even
2 What makes Zach’s “Fist Pump”
if it was just each other, so I created an anonymous twitter account called “Fist Pump” 2 and used vignette so endearing is that he
it as a guerrilla marketing campaign to “prime the pride pump.” I centered tweets around our kept his Twitter handle anonymous.
He was not seeking fame or credit
boys basketball squad, which was stomping teams left and right. I gave shout-outs to cool things
but focused instead on giving
my classmates were doing and highlighted when they got accepted to different colleges. I even his classmates and community
coordinated sweatshirt and trucker hat sales just so we could represent our community with style. something to celebrate. In sharing
this story, he does not play up the
By the end of the year, nearly the whole class was engaged with the account and the feedback from
anonymous part, which leads the
my peers was extremely positive. This was the first moment I realized the impact people have on reader to infer that while Zach is
the environments around us, and it wouldn’t be the last time I tinkered with that idea. proud of the impact he had, his
intent was in no way self-centered.
Thankfully, I graduated from high school and got a yearlong internship with the Chicago Cubs in
promotions and marketing. The role taught me how to use game presentation to create memories
in participants and observers alike, and it got me thinking about how I could use those skills to give
3 Just a reminder here: before
back. In high school, the Association of Computational and Mathematical Modeling (AoCMM) 3 using an acronym, nickname, or
Math Modeling & Engineering Competition changed my life. AoCMM is a competition where STEM abbreviation, take a moment as
Zach does to define it. Doing so
professionals help high school kids stretch their engineering skills, but its impact has nothing to
will ensure that you do not lose or
do with engineering. The mentors I found on my team saved me from my parents’ cultish religious confuse your readers.
indoctrination, taught me critical thinking skills, helped me cope with the impacts of undiagnosed
ADHD in my life, and inspired me to think about the possibility of obtaining a college degree. To say

I felt an obligation to give back is an understatement. Beyond that, though, I fundamentally believe
a lack of critical thinking skills in our society is the root cause of many of the systemic problems we
face, and AoCMM does its part in cultivating those skills well.
I began volunteering my weekends as a commentator and host at my local competitions. Using the
show prep skills I learned at the Cubs, I brought a high level of reliability and show execution which
propelled me to announce at 18 state competitions. This included two State Championships, where
I made positive memories around STEM with 15,000 people in my first year alone. In 2018, AoCMM
became so popular in our area that a company picked up the rights to create a sportscenter-esque
show (“Math Movers”) for the local CBS affiliate, and they asked me to write content and advise the
show. Once it got started, it wasn’t all that uncommon to walk into a bar and see high school kids
on the TV working through engineering problems (more often, the solutions—solar cars, complex
robots, and replicas of smart cities—that they built). It made students feel like pro-athletes, and
it developed a cultural recognition for engineering in the state that enabled Illinois to achieve a
4 Zach makes sure to share the
results. In your essay, always greater number of high school AoCMM teams than any other state in the US. 4 When the world
present the outcome of your championship came to Chicago, I was selected to announce for the 30,000 people there, and I’ve
various accomplishments. In Zach’s
had the privilege of reaching AoCMM students at competitions in points north (Vancouver), south
case, yes, advising on a television
show has a certain “coolness” (Mexico City), east (London!), and west (San Diego). It’s feels incredible to know I helped create
factor, but the real impact is a societal shift in the values of Illinois by inspiring and investing in the next generation of world
how many students in the state
changers.
subsequently signed up for AoCMM
and then ventured down their own
STEM paths. Through that experience, I learned that an issue in one sub-system can cripple the entire machine;
the rapid growth of Illinois’ AoCMM program created a demand for volunteers that the community
was struggling to meet. At the time, there was no coordinated effort to keep AoCMM alumni
engaged by giving back to the community. While I was volunteering during the 2018 season and
working on Math Movers, I was also starting the first semester of my engineering degree at Illinois
Tech. As a technical college, over 40% of the student body had experience with AoCMM—and 100%
had experience in engineering!—so I saw a golden opportunity to leverage my peers’ skillset to meet
the need for volunteers.
5 Transitioning from one story

to the next like this, especially After the season ended, I founded the AoCMM Math Alums (AMA) to organize alumni volunteers
when using a thematic or mosaic and support students who mentored local teams while on co-op across the country. We started
approach, can be challenging and
with only 16 members, but by the time I graduated, we had 160+ active members, with an average
the result clunky. Although this
one might seem abrupt, know of 5 members volunteering at any given nearby competition. We also founded AMA chapters on 6
that the schools read these essays different campuses, including two in Missouri.
with purpose (this is not a writing
contest, after all) and will cut you
some slack if some twists and turns It’s not all fun and games though; 5 my systems oriented thinking and passion for people extends
are sharper than others. into my work life too. My first rotation at Bo-Bus during my 2-year intern training was in our QC/
Testing for Cabin Materials. The lab was constantly running behind on testing, the management
6 This is undoubtedly a complex
process, but by avoiding technical team and union labor constantly wanted to choke each other, and the engineering teams waiting
terms and using relatable for test results at the company headquarters were constantly bugging both groups of employees
situations, Zach presents his
for updates on progress. 6 If you had to manage the preparation of vastly different tests—usability
story so that any reader can easily
understand it.

of seats, bathroom toilets, and overhead valves—with very different needs across multiple shifts
of workers, I can’t predict what system you’d use, but I bet you wouldn’t pick a magnet board
that dropped critical information if you closed the door next to it too hard. It’s what we had,
and it exacerbated all of the previously mentioned problems. I saw it as a ripe opportunity for
improvement.
The union labor told me reduced interaction with specific managers was key to improving their
work life. Management told me they had to micromanage in order to relay information to the
engineering teams at headquarters. I took that input and designed a digitized alternative to the
magnet board. It used a KanBan style system to track build preparation progress, automatically
notified workers of their assignments and managers upon work assignment completion, and could
be viewed from anywhere, thereby eliminating the phone calls about preparation progress. At the
end of my term, I presented the system to the lab director who used it as the basis for the dashboard
that was eventually implemented with positive results. More importantly, this made me realize that
I wanted my long term career focus to revolve around strategic problem solving.
So much has changed over the past seven years. I’ve used my STEM skillset to pull myself out of
poverty and punch my ticket to the white collar class. I developed a niche fandom in a culture
of nerdy high schoolers, and I’ve learned that the limits to the changes I can drive in society by
tweaking its subsystems are completely undefined.
Yet, after putting in 12-hour days on the newest cabin our next jetliner, I lie awake in bed thinking
about my impact. I think about how the company’s going to charge people higher prices for plane
tickets in part on the promise of a seat that rotates back 3 inches further than the current version
because that’s the only way we can pay back shareholders and buy the emissions credits required
7 Be careful and judicious when
for all the fuel we churn through. 7 I think about the wildfires in Australia, the growing number addressing your dissatisfaction
of climate refugees, the chaotic world my kids are going to inherit, and I know deep down that I’m with your current job in an
application essay. Although
silently complicit in causing these issues.
doing so is not something you
must absolutely avoid, it has the
During a special class of HBS CORe, 8 Chicago City Treasurer Kurt Summers asked me why I potential to come across as self-
absorbed or short-sighted. Zach
thought he should have confronted Rahm Emanuel (the man who just appointed him) about
negotiates the issue effectively by
banking relationships Kurt believed to be unethical. I told him that he had not come all this way following this statement with an
from the streets of Chicago to back down when he finally had the chance to fight for his community, explanation of why he feels such
angst.
and that if he didn’t live by his values, and speak truth to power in that moment, then he never
would. He shouted “YES!” at me so suddenly I jumped out of my seat. He told the group that our
8 By mentioning his participation in
values will never shift overnight, and that corruption and evil are normalized slowly so as to never the HBS CORe program, Zach subtly
raise an alarm. reinforces that his interest in HBS
runs deep.
When I lie awake at night, I think about that conversation and know I don’t have much time to
change my role before I risk my role changing me. It’s with this understanding and the ingrained
obligation I feel to leave this world better than I found it, that I seek the guidance of a Harvard MBA.

Zach: Yearning for Love
GSB Version
If you are jumping around in this guide from essay to essay and have not yet read Zach’s HBS essay
(page 176), be sure to do so. It is quite the contrast to his Stanford GSB essay here, though not
everything is different; in both essays, Zach discusses the STEM organization that is so core to who
he is. Yet the HBS essay is full of accomplishments and impact, whereas his GSB essay focuses
instead on something deeper within him. Zach shares his transformation from someone who
needs to receive love to feel self-worth into someone who needs to give love to feel self-worth. An
especially pivotal moment is when the “system” fails a young, vulnerable student, and Zach can do
nothing to change the outcome. His commitment to channeling his grief into helping those in need
is moving.
One thing we advise candidates working on their “what matters most” essay is to write from the
heart. Focus inward (on you) rather than outward (on the school). We believe Zach strived to do
this, and the result is a portrait of a sensitive and determined hero, one who is very aware of the
mark he will make in this world.
By Liza Weale

Inside me resides a discontent. The doctors would say it’s the developmental deficiency I was born
with. It restricts the uptake of serotonin by my neurotransmitters like a tennis ball at the end of
a vacuum hose. The therapist would say it was the 16 years I spent thinking my parents and God
would stop loving me if I ever “gave into the flesh.” Being born in mid-size no-name town in Illinois,
the land of the have-nots and deserve-nots didn’t help the matter one bit, but either way, I spent my
teenage years doing whatever I could to feel loved and valued by other humans. It’s the only thing
that made me feel content with who I was. It’s the only thing that forced the tennis ball down the
1 What a powerful opening
hose. 1 paragraph. From the first sentence
to the last, we get a clear sense
of Zach’s yearning. Note that the
The fall after graduation, I got a job with the Chicago Cubs as a promotions intern. They could have
three reasons for his discontent
paid me monopoly money for all I cared. I went from being a townie grinding away in retail to being paint a very rich picture of him:
the envy of everyone I knew. Crowds cheered and clamored for me! It didn’t matter that it was just he has battled through (or at least
had to live with) health issues, was
so I’d throw them free t-shirts, I loved it.
influenced by religion, and grew
up in a struggling community. So,
In high school, I had participated in a math modeling & engineering competition (nicknamed while the paragraph is meant to
convince us that his discontent is
“AoCMM”), which builds self-confidence and critical thinking skills in teens through mentor-aided
well-founded, he also reveals other
engineering challenges. The program was so essential to my development that I was already giving details about himself in a very
back in small volunteer roles as an alum, but the Cubs job gave me confidence to step into the natural way. Let your core thesis—
your “what matters most”—guide
spotlight. I started doing play-by-play commentary at competitions and crafted positive memories
you, but do not be afraid to weave
around STEM with the future leaders of tomorrow, like others had once done for me. I finally felt I in other tangential details if they fit.
had value to offer the world that didn’t depend on the validation of others.
2 Not every red flag requires an

Then I was let go from the Cubs through a freak chain of events, 2 the AoCMM season ended, and essay, but remember that the
I went back to being a could-have-been. Having tasted the sweetness of success, I felt wholly and admissions committee has read
enough applications to be able to
completely discontent. I could feel depression making its home inside me, and I reached out to a
spot them easily, so fully ignoring
reliable lifeline in my high school engineering club. any potential red flags is unwise.
Zach concisely reveals that he was
let go (chalking it up to a “freak
My school district had since closed and merged with an equally poor district, but rather than
chain of events”) and then moves
merging, the two engineering clubs shared everything. I returned to find them at each other’s on. The reason for his dismissal is
throats. I took the goodwill I had built up with both teams and sold a unified rebranding and not germane to his greater story,
but the way his dismissal made
complete organizational overhaul that eventually trickled down into middle and elementary
him feel is. In handling the topic
schools. this way, Zach demonstrates his
honesty and openness. Another
takeaway is that even applicants
To quote the head mentor, “that’s when everything changed for the program.” I became the wall
who have lost jobs can be accepted
he threw his ideas at. Some stuck, some stunk, but I always pushed him to dream beyond the by schools as discerning as HBS and
“reasonable.” Together we created a high school STEM curriculum, made the 15 free college credits the GSB!
our students earn before graduation a reality, and brought about a 28% increase in graduation rate
after our educational model was implemented. We targeted the most vulnerable students and set
them up to be successful college students. The achievement put belonging and self-worth back

in front of me, and for the first time, I was driven to work not because I needed it, but because I
realized they needed it.
Of all the kids I mentored, my favorite was this quiet but goofy Eastern European kid named Val. He
3 We often recommend writing
these essays as though you were worked his ass off, 3 was super bright, and had the wittiest sense of humor, he graced on those he
speaking with a colleague you trusted. During his senior year, he fell two stories while doing construction work with his dad. He
trust, but you still need to use good
never went to the hospital because his parents feared deportation. By the time the engineering club
judgment. The expression “worked
his ass off” is colloquial enough to finally got him help, his cognition was severely altered. The closed head injury diagnosis cemented
be acceptable here. As a guideline, the fact that he’d never be the Val I knew again.
be true to yourself and your voice,
but do not go overboard (keep in
mind that you are applying for a I remember being broken open. When I needed love and guidance, my mentors were always there
professional degree) or include for me. Yet, all the love and guidance I gave couldn’t change this outcome. These were the stakes.
certain words or phrases merely for
Whole lives hang in the balance.
shock value.
It’s still true. Inside me resides a discontent. 4 Except, now it’s driven by giving love instead of
4 By reiterating his discontent near
the end of his essay, Zach reminds searching for it. It’s driven by every person I’ve lost to their circumstances and the apathy society
the reader of where the essay has for their existence. It’s driven by a keen understanding that I would be 6 feet under if not for a
began and uses the opportunity to
lot of lucky bounces, and a belief that lucky bounces shouldn’t be critical to the average American’s
emphasize how the source of his
discontent has evolved over the ability to survive.
course of his journey.
That discontent is why reshaping society to improve life for the have-nots and worth-nots is what
matters most to me.

Lloyd: Venturing into Venture
HBS Version
Lloyd has the good fortune of having already found the career that most inspires him: venture
capital (VC). We see VC much more frequently in applicants’ responses to the post-MBA career
goal question in HBS’s application than we do on their resumes. So, by already being in VC, Lloyd
is likely well positioned to be able to help his classmates who are looking to break into this highly
sought-after industry. However, HBS does not accept candidates based on credentials alone; if that
were the case, why would the school ask you to submit an essay in addition to your transcript and
resume?
Lloyd did not find his way into VC by chance. Instead, he took risks, invested in others’ success, and
followed his passions. You will see that Lloyd’s essay focuses heavily on his career and the different
choices he has made. With the exception of the first story, his essay follows the chronology of his
education and career, yet it does not read as a recitation of his resume. By exploring his motivations
and reflecting on his decisions, Lloyd goes beyond his resume bullets and convinces us that he will
stay true to his path of “building great communities, companies and leaders” long into the future.
By Liza Weale

“It’s for our CEOs, our community; they’re desperate to learn. Who can really help them?” I was
just nine months into PointVenture, and the Partners were challenging me to raise the bar for our
CEO working session. As I mentally flipped through hundreds of ideas, I thought of the one thing
that the participating CEOs had in common: consumer technology. With that realization, the best
answer became obvious: Johan Riess, the Founder and CEO of HotTechCo. I did not know Johan,
but did know that he was highly responsive on Twitter. My older brother, a tech geek by nature, had
recently exchanged tweets with him. It seemed like a long shot, but I thought that perhaps I could
get Johan’s attention, too.
Months of tweets, emails, and calls later, Johan arrived at our offices and provided two hours of
Shark Tank–style feedback, answering questions and challenging our CEOs’ thinking. Everyone
walked away from the meeting inspired and with several crucial insights on topics such as
horizontal versus vertical video performance on mobile. Years later, our CEOs still mention the
workshop as a highlight of their PointVenture experience, and some remain in touch with Johan.
While I was happy to meet my partners’ challenge, I was even more delighted to provide significant
value to our community of CEOs. 1
1 Lloyd opens his essay with a
compelling story that captures
the best of him—his creativity, I learned the concept of community early on. 2 My parents’ home was called “the neighborhood
commitment, willingness to go out
community center” as it was always open to neighbors and acquaintances, and almost all of my
on a limb, sense of accountability
and ownership, and desire to create friends referred to my parents as their second mom and dad. My parents’ actions taught me to give
impact. Leading with a strong willingly to others. As a teen, I traveled to Israel to share my bar mitzvah with a group of foster
story can quickly endear you to
children, presenting them with gifts and witnessing incredible joy. I was tremendously moved, and
the reader and leave them eager
for more. as I entered high school, I sought out involvement in initiatives like delivering meals to families in
need and working with special education children. Giving back, helping others do and feel better,
2 Notice that here, having just
shared a recent story, Lloyd now had become a part of me.
goes back in time to reflect on the
roots of his motivations. He could
Yet, I considered it only that—a part of me. The other part of me was focused on a career in
have started with this paragraph
(in fact, he does so in his GSB finance. My first year at university, I summered with Bank & Co. But an entrepreneurship class
counterpart essay [page 186]) but my sophomore year unexpectedly excited me. Visiting founders, who were once students like
chose to first grab the reader’s
me, amazed me with their energy and passion for their journeys. They also reminded me of my
attention before discussing his
childhood. father. He’d reinvented himself in his late 30s, leaving his job in engineering to start a career from
scratch in advising. He was relentless in his hard work and vision, eventually building a firm
with over 50 employees. Inspired, I skipped the banking internships that summer and instead
recruited a developer and rented desks in a co-working space. 3 Together, we built a product to
3 Lloyd demonstrates his
willingness to take risks by walking help campus groups seamlessly communicate and organize. It wasn’t delivering gifts or food to the
away from a “safe” banking underprivileged, but I was solving a problem that impacted a number of people. It was inspiring
internship and instead spending
and rewarding.
his summer trying to build a
technology solution—and finds
delight in what he experienced.

Later that summer, InQBater, a program that helps entrepreneurs finance, launch, and scale
businesses, offered me the chance to join their emerging team as an Associate. They promised
exposure to not just one start-up, but many—not one entrepreneur in a co-working space, but a
network of entrepreneurs and venture capitalists across the city. I knew, immediately, I wanted it.
The catch: it was a full-time role for the course of the three-month program; I’d have to temporarily
drop out of school. Everyone thought I was crazy (even InQBater, suggesting it would be safer to wait
until I graduated), but I saw it as an opportunity to scale the feeling I had when building my app.
I loved every second at InQBater. From creating events that showcased our companies to investors,
to flyering outside Apple stores for a company’s new iOS app, to conducting user research in public
parks, to building a new database to help our founders navigate the investor world, the hustle
challenged my intellectual curiosity, and the focus on helping entrepreneurs succeed invigorated
the part of me that wanted to “give back.” I knew I had found the path for me: to build, to connect,
and to enable people and communities through venture capital. Returning to school, I doubled
down on VC- and entrepreneurship-related activities, pursuing a role at Ventures Unlimited and
infusing my InQBater learnings in campus clubs to help student entrepreneurs.
This path ultimately led me to PointVenture, where I have now been for the past three and a half
years, creating many of those Johan Reiss–type moments for our community. When we wanted the
absolute best interns for our portfolio companies, I overhauled our recruiting process, increased
the funnel via partnerships and new technologies, and built our “super interview day” that included
60 students, 20 companies, and over 200 interviews. The intensity and commitment were worth
it: the 18 accepted embarked on a summer of mentorship, on-the-job training, and relationship
building. For me, it was an exciting opportunity to use PointVenture as a platform to give back to
students, having been just years removed from their places.
Similarly, when I envisioned a new community to inspire dialogue around design, I persuaded a
4 By tying Score Design back to the
friend at ShareSpace to host an event and utilized my relationships to land speakers from cutting- idea of his parents’ “community
edge consumer tech firms. I had a goal of gathering 50 people; over 200 people showed up to our center,” Lloyd makes his essay
not just a professional story but
first event, and Score Design was born. We have grown ever since, expanding into a community of
a personal one, too. If your essay
thousands. What inspires me is that the community comes back time and again, knowing they will focuses primarily on work stories,
always be able to learn lessons, share ideas, meet new people, seek employees or employment, and reflect on why you are choosing to
include them and why they are so
get inspired. Score Design is one of my most gratifying accomplishments, the exact embodiment of
important to you. Doing so will help
what my parents did for me and my community of peers. 4 ensure that the admissions reader
sees the “human” side of you in
your professional wins.
I am passionate about venture capital’s role in building great communities, companies, and leaders.
At HBS, I will exercise this passion to wholeheartedly contribute to the classroom, student body,
5 Here, Lloyd makes the case that
and greater Harvard ecosystem by continuously bringing people together to stimulate discussion, his energy and passions would be
ideas, and movements. 5 My goal is to launch a VC firm, one that enables entrepreneurs more valuable in the HBS classroom.
While such a direct statement of
deeply and on a global scale. I believe HBS—with its incredible resources like the i-lab and its
your expected contribution is not
broad and diverse student body, faculty, curriculum, and alumni network—offers an unparalleled necessary, it can certainly influence
opportunity to help me build the right frameworks, leadership skills, and relationships necessary to the reader’s perception of how you
would enhance the experience of
complement my past experiences and make my goal a reality.
your peers.

Lloyd: Doing What I Love, Loving What I Do
GSB Version
If you have read Lloyd’s HBS essay (page 183), get ready to see much of the same prose in his
Stanford GSB essay here. When Lloyd submitted his essays for this collection, he explained to
us how they had developed. He shared that he started with his HBS essay and had drafted it to a
point at which he was satisfied with it—or had been, until he worked on his GSB essay. Writing his
GSB essay made him realize that his HBS essay lacked a clear theme. Just a few days before HBS’s
deadline, Lloyd reworked his HBS essay to echo what he had done for the GSB. We will never know
what would have happened had Lloyd submitted his original HBS essay (maybe the outcome would
have been the same), but he ultimately felt that his revised HBS essay was as true to who he is as his
GSB one was. At the risk of repeating ourselves, we encourage you to be open to finding the right
path for you to develop your HBS and GSB essays. In this guide, we have examples of HBS and GSB
pairs that are very similar (such as Lloyd’s), ones that are very different (such as Zach’s, page 176
and page 180), and ones that are somewhere in between.
In this essay, Lloyd discusses two different parts of himself—his professional side (focused on
finance) and his “after-school” side (committed to helping those in need of support)—and how he
unexpectedly figures out a way to merge them into one. He does not fully abandon finance for pure
altruism, or vice versa. Instead, he discovers how a career path in venture capital allows him to
optimize the best of both his passions.
By Liza Weale

When I was growing up, people referred to my parents’ home as “the neighborhood community
center”—it was always open to friends, neighbors, and acquaintances. My friends even called
my parents their second mom and dad. My parents’ actions taught me to give willingly—our
“neighborhood community center” was one of their ways of doing that. Early on, I traveled to Israel
to share my bar mitzvah with a group of foster children, presenting them with gifts and witnessing
incredible joy. I was tremendously moved, and as I entered high school, I sought out activities like
delivering meals to families in need and working with special education children. Giving back,
helping others do and feel better, had become a part of me.
Yet, I considered it only that—a part of me. The other part of me was focused on a career in
finance. My first year at university, I summered with Bank & Co, but an entrepreneurship class my
sophomore year unexpectedly excited me. Visiting founders, who were once in my place, inspired
me with their energy and passion for their journeys. I skipped the banking internships that summer
and instead recruited a developer and rented desks in a co-working space. Together, we built a
product to help campus groups better communicate and organize. It wasn’t delivering gifts or food
1 Recognizing the contrast between
to the underprivileged, but I was solving a problem that would impact a number of people. 1 It was the social app he was building and
motivating and rewarding. his volunteer work in high school

helps to reassure the admissions
reader that Lloyd does not have
Later that summer, InQBater, a program that helps entrepreneurs finance, launch, and scale an overly inflated sense of self or
businesses, offered me the chance to join their emerging team as an Associate. They promised misguided interpretation of “doing
good.” Simply put, the recognition
exposure to not just one start-up, but many, and a network of entrepreneurs and venture capitalists
makes him more likable, and his
across the city. The catch: it was a full-time role for the 3-month program; I’d have to take a leave humility shines through.
of absence from school. Everyone thought I was crazy (even InQBater, suggesting it would be safer
to wait until I graduated), but I saw it as an opportunity to scale the feeling I had when building my
app.
I loved every second at InQBater. From creating events that showcased our companies to investors
to flyering outside Apple stores for a company’s new iOS app, every experience was a learning
opportunity. I conducted user research in public parks, built a new database to help our founders
2 The examples Lloyd lists are
navigate the investor world, and everything in between. 2 The hustle challenged my intellectual brief yet specific enough to
curiosity, and the focus on helping entrepreneurs succeed invigorated the part of me that wanted to effectively illustrate the breadth
of his activities at InQBater. Such a
“give back.”
strategy can convey a situation or
experience without using too many
I knew I had found the path for me: to build, to connect, and to enable through venture capital. words and is ideal when no one
example is quite powerful enough
Returning to school, I doubled down on VC- and entrepreneurship- related activities by pursuing
on its own.
a role at Ventures Unlimited and infusing my InQBater learnings in campus clubs to help student
entrepreneurs. I was unknowingly piloting my future role, building knowledge and relationships to
help founders.

Now, at PointVenture, the core of the work is the same, but the scope is bigger, challenging me
to match it. When we wanted the absolute best interns for our portfolio companies, I overhauled
our recruiting process, increased the funnel via partnerships and new technologies, and built our
“super interview day” that included 60 students, 20 companies, and over 200 interviews resulting
in 18 critical placements. When we wanted to encourage and educate our consumer CEOs, I set
my sights on one of the best product CEOs out there, Johan Riess. Introducing myself via Twitter,
I ultimately convinced him to come to our office and provide Shark Tank–style feedback on
our companies’ products, a session so valuable that our founders still call it a highlight of their
PointVenture experience. When I envisioned a new community to inspire dialogue around design,
I persuaded a friend at ShareSpace to host an event and utilized my relationships to land speakers
from top tech-enabled consumer companies. I had a goal of gathering 50 people; over 200 people
3 Lloyd again employs the strategy
discussed in our previous comment showed up to our first event, and Score Design was born. 3
(a list of examples). In totality, the
stories reveal different skills and
All of this allows me to, on a daily basis, wake up more energized and motivated than ever
traits, such as initiative, creative
thinking, accountability, and a before to continue building my own version of my parents’ “local community center.” Because at
drive for excellence. Each of these PointVenture, I’m doing exactly what matters most to me: enabling others by arming them with the
examples could surely be explored
tools, the opportunities, the people, and the resources they need to accomplish their goals.
in more detail (in fact, Lloyd goes
much deeper into two of the stories
in his HBS essay [page 183]), but
by using broad strokes to describe
his wins instead, he implies his
readiness to apply these traits,
regardless of the challenge that
awaits.

Are you an admit, student, or recent
graduate of Harvard Business School
or the Stanford Graduate School of
Business with an essay you feel others
could learn from?
If so, we would love to showcase your essay in a future edition of this guide.
Submit your essay at www.poetsandquants.com/successfulessays to be

considered for inclusion in our next round of commentary on Stanford GSB
and HBS success stories!

www.mbamission.com
www.gatehouseadmissions.com

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WHAT

Written by In Partnership with

2 “What Matters?” and “What More?”

“What Matters?” and “What More?” 3

We have the answers.

Both mbaMission and Gatehouse Admissions offer free 30-minute

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“What Matters?” and “What More?” 5

Gatehouse Admissions offers a complimentary 30-minute strategy session to prospective

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Jeremy Shinewald Liza Weale

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“What Matters?” and “What More?” 11

What Is Not Asked

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What Truly Matters?

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Prioritize Your Values

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Frame Your Content

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Decide Where to Start

Write Your HBS Essay First Jeremy’s Advice

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A Final, but Critical Thought

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3 Shifting away from one’s main

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I designed a detailed schedule for my final semester, compartmentalizing my time between

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3 David’s incorporation of a more

4 Applicants are often told not to

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1 The applicant starts by frankly

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2 Most people do not likely think