Page W1 – W6

The illustration below represents your current “self”

The core of the “self,” what has been called the “will,”
or “heart,” among other names, is the center out of which we make
decisions and engage in action.
Action never comes from the will alone. Often--perhaps usually--
what we do
is not an outcome of deliberate choice and a mere act of will, but is
more
of a relenting to pressure on the will from one or more dimensions
of the
self....transformation is not the result of mere human effort and
cannot be
accomplished by putting pressure on the will alone.
D. Willard, The Renovation of the Heart (pp. 39,41)
Now, the primary source of our entanglement is our desires--really,
not just
our desires themselves, but our enslavement to them and confusion
about
them....Habitual following of a desire leads to strengthening the
power of
that desire over us. In the realm of the will there is something like
the power
of inertia in the physical realm. It is easier to do what you have
done than
what you have not, and especially than what goes contrary to what
you have
done. You tend to keep on doing what you have done; and the more
so, the
more you have done it. That is spiritual inertia.
D. Willard, The Renovation of the Heart (pg. 154)
We tend to become the decisions we make. The more we choose
something, the
more we become that something. We are all in the process of
solidifying our
identities by the decisions we make. With each decision we make,
we pick up
momentum in the direction of that decision....I knew an old lady
once who was the
most ugly, bitter, mean-spirited person I’d ever met. As a young
lady, however, I am
told that she was beautiful personable, and fun. But at the age of 19
her fiance ran
off with her sister three days before her wedding date. She was
understandably
humiliated and hurt. But what is most tragic is that she proceeded
to choose to
be hateful and unforgiving toward her sister and ex-fiance the rest
of her life.
Though her sister was extremely sorry for what she had done and
tried numerous
times to make amends later on (over the course of 50 years!), this
lady would
never budge. And with each decision against love and forgiveness,
she solidified
herself in bitterness. The momentum of her decisions became
irreversible. She
no longer chose it; she couldn’t now choose otherwise!...What
started as her
decision eventually became her nature. So it is, I believe, in every
area of our
lives. The more we choose something, the harder it is to choose
otherwise,
until we are finally solidified in our decison. The momentum of our
character
becomes unstoppable. We create our character with our decisions,
and our
character, in turn, exercises more and more influence on the
decisions we
make.
G. Boyd, Letters From a Skeptic (pg. 51-52) [social thinker from
There is a difference between doing some particular just or
temperate
action and being a just or temperate person. Someone who is not a
good
tennis player may now and then make a good shot. What you mean
by a
good player is a person whose eye and muscles and nerves have
been so
trained by making innumerable good shots that they can now be
relied on.
She has a certain tone or quality which is there even when she is
not playing,
just as a mathematician’s mind has a certain habit and outlook
which is
there even when he is not doing mathematics. In the same way a
person who
perseveres in doing just actions gets in the end a certain quality of
character.
Now it is that quality rather than the particular actions which we
mean when
we talk of a “virtue.”
This distinction is important for the following reason. If we thought
only of the
particular actions we might encourage the wrong idea. We might
think that,
provided you did the right thing, it did not matter how or why you
did it--whether
you did it willingly or unwillingly, sulkily or cheerfully, through fear
of public
opinion or for its own sake. But the truth is that right actions done
for the wrong
reason do not help to build the internal quality or character called a
“virtue,” and
it is this quality or character that really matters. (If a bad tennis
player hits very
hard, not because he sees that a very hard shot is required, but
because he has
lost his temper, his stroke might possibly, by luck, help him to win
that particular
game, but it is not going to help him to become a reliable player.)
C.S Lewis, Mere Christianity (pg. 79-80)
“Not everyone creates an external work of art, like a painting or a
book, but
everyone creates an internal work of art, a life, a real-life story.
Everyone
also creates a character, a person: themselves. [Life] gives us only
the raw
material; by our choices we shape it into who we are. The primary
creative
task of every person is becoming themselves. We are always
painting our
own eternal self-portriat. Each choice is a brush stroke. We are
sculpting
our own likeness. Each act is a cut of the chisel.”
P. Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering (pg. 102)
Now clearly, our thoughts are one of the most basic sources of our
life.
They determine the orientation of everything we do and evoke the
feelings
that frame our world and motivate our actions. Interestingly, you
can’t evoke
thoughts by feeling a certain way, but you can evoke and to some
degree
control feelings by directing your thoughts. Our power over our
thoughts is
of great and indispensible assistance in directing and controlling
our feelings,
which themselves are not directly under the guidance of our will.
We cannot just
choose our feelings.
D. Willard, The Renovation of the Heart (pp. 96)

In the last few decades, American popular culture has migrated

toward a
post-enlightenment skepticism concerning the ability of “pure
reason” to lead
us. While this is understandable, it has, practically-speaking, left
many--if not
most of us--believing that our feelings are our most trusted guide
when it
comes to interpreting our experience and making decisions with
regard to it.
Unfortunately, in so doing, we end up resembling weather-vanes
blown about in
every direction by the whims of the wind. In contrast, thinking--as
messy and
challenging a process as it is--still allows us to scrutinize and sift
the precious
from the worthless, the real from the mirage, the trustworthy from
the scam.
In other words, it gives us the ability to operate more like a
compass--an
instrument calibrated to a stable framework, useful for gathering
one’s
bearings in order to move out from where we stand and face the
waiting
world.
E. Reed, [unpublished]

THINGS THAT
ARE MOST
INFLUENCING ME
NOW:
THINGS THAT MIGHT
HELP ME MAKE
PROGRESS FROM
HERE:

THOUGHTS FEELINGS
THOUGHTS
FEELINGS
WHAT’S MY NEXT STEP? WORKSHEET 1
THINGS THAT
ARE MOST
INFLUENCING ME
NOW:
THINGS THAT MIGHT
HELP ME MAKE
PROGRESS FROM
HERE:
EXAMPLES:
•reading/watching things that encourage
you in a positive direction
•actively thinking about positive things
•avoiding inputs that discourage/hinder
you from becoming the person you want
to become
EXAMPLES:
•reading/watching/listening to things that
evoke productive emotions in you
•recounting/remembering things you are
grateful for
•going places that stir positive emotions in
you (nature...peace, perspective)
•avoiding inputs that discourage you or
evoke unproductive emotions in you

Page E1 – E7

Step 1
You perceive some emotion provoking stimuli. (Activating Event)

Step 2
Your body responds physiologically
- Example – A friend yells at you in front of the rest of your
friends.
+ Example – Someone you are attracted to start to flirt with you

Step 3
Your brain interprets your body’s response in light of the context

Step 4
You label an emotion and respond accordingly
Uncle Evan’s Top 10 Emotional
Management Styles
1. The Maniac blows up in a rage on a regular basis, goes
crazy . . . it can be just plain scary when they get angry.

2. The Mannequin they pretend nothing’s wrong,

everything’s fine, denying/stuffing feelings. . . over time they may
start
experiencing physical problems such as headaches, ulcers, etc.

3. The Murmurer “leaks” difficult emotion through chronic

complaining, whining, grumbling, etc.

4. The Monkey Wrench doesn’t confront others directly, but will

instead find ways to sabotage them, such as through gossip and
slander.

5. The Mine Field can make you feel like it’s just a matter of time
before you make a wrong move and get hit by the shrapnel from
their inevitable
explosion or “moodiness.”

6. The Manipulator doesn’t come out directly and confront what

they
are feeling, but takes some less direct approach, such as trying to
make others feel
guilty or using sarcasm.

7. The Martyr blames oneself for anything that evokes difficult

emotions, probably deals with depression, shame or guilt.

8. The Monk runs away from situations evoking difficult feelings;

they withdraw, go into seclusion when hurt/angry.

9. The Machine (aka, the robot) may not be feeling much of

anything--may be detached from their emotions, or they’ve been
hurt so much
in the past that they’ve become numb).

10. The Microwave acknowledges their emotions, reflects on

them, and tries to use that emotional energy to problem-solve.
How To Deal With Difficult Emotions
1. Realize .
•Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that
something has evoked a negative emotion in you.
•Difficult emotions are like the engine light in your car.
•Try to identify the activating event (emotion provoking
circumstances).

2. Resolve .
•You can control your communication and behavior (even if you
can’t
directly control what you’re feeling).
•Remind yourself of the consequences of losing it.

3. Reflect . (great stuff in the text on this!)

•”What do I want?” Blocked goals and desires tend to yield negative
emotions (especially variations of anger and fear).
•”Where am I looking to satisfy my wants?” Some strategies
are better than others. People can pursue foolish strategies to try
and satisfy
legitimate longings.
•How am I interrupting what’s happened?
What alternatives might explain the activating event?
•What am I believing? (about myself, others, how life should
work...)
How do I need to reappraise my beliefs?
Self-talk is the key filter that influences what we feel
and how we process it.
•What can I learn from this experience?

4. Release . (Catharsis)
•Write in a journal what you’re feeling.
•Pray honestly about what you’re feeling and why. Seek
Perspective.
•Exercise, Breathe, Count to a squillion....
•Talk to a mature friend who can help.
•Talk to a trained professional.
5. Respond .
•Communicate your feelings to the relevant people involved.
Using an “I Message:”
I Feel. . . (my specific emotion)
When. . . (the situation or behavior)
Because. . . (my interpretation)
I Would Like . . . (a specific response)
I FEEL . . . (my specific emotion)
WHEN . . . (the situation or behavior)
BECAUSE . . . (my interpretation)
I WOULD LIKE . . . (a specific response)
Try to write a response using the above formula to communicate
your feelings for each of the following situations:

1. Your friend stood you up after

agreeing to go out with you this
evening. Since it was too late to make
other plans, you stayed home. How
would you tell your friend how you
feel?

2. Your romantic partner seems to flirt

with your friends on a regular basis.
It’s really bothering you. How do you
communicate that to your partner?

3. Your best friend told a mutual friend

about a personal problem that you’ve
been having and that you confided in
him/her. You are upset, but you value
the friendship, so you must confront
your friend. What do you say?

4. You’ve been doing a lot of the

cleaning up in your apartment/dorm
because your roommate doesn’t. It’s
been going on too long. You need to let
your roommate know it’s bugging you.
How do you do it?

5. You’ve got a friend who complains

about having to say “no” to all these
people who want to date them. You’d
love to have that problem, and you’re
tired of hearing about it. How do you
communicate this to them?

Most people suffer from impoverished emotional vocabularies.

Developing
your emotional vocabulary is critical to effectively utilizing “I
Messages.”
How many positive and negative emotions words could you
generate off the
top of your head?
OK, Here’s a Cheat Sheet: Common Human Emotions: (from text,
Table 5.1)
afraid concerned exhausted hurried nervous sexy
aggravated confident fearful hurt numb shaky
amazed confused fed hysterical optimistic shocked
ambivalent content fidgety impatient paranoid shy
angry crazy flattered impressed passionate sorry
annoyed defeated foolish inhibited peaceful strong
anxious defensive forlorn insecure pessimistic subdued
apathetic delighted free interested playful surprised
ashamed depressed friendly intimidated pleased suspicious
bashful detached frustrated irritable possessive tender
befuddled devastated furious jealous pressured tense
bewildered disappointed glad joyful protective terrified
bitter disgusted glum lazy puzzled tired
bored disturbed grateful lonely refreshed trapped
brave ecstatic happy loving regretful ugly
calm edgy harassed lukewarm relieved uneasy
cantankerous elated helpless mad resentful up
carefree embarrassed high mean restless vulnerable
cheerful empty hopeful miserable ridiculous warm
cocky enthusiastic horrible mixed romantic weak
cold envious hostile mortified sad wonderful
comfortable excited humiliated neglected sentimental worried
There are actually several ways to express a feeling verbally:
•By using SINGLE emotion words:
“I’m angry” (or “excited,” “depressed,” “curious,” and so on).
•By describing what’s happening TO you (physically):
“My stomach is tied in knots,”
“I’m having a head rush right now.”
•By describing what you’d like to DO:
“I just want to run away,”
“I really want to give you a hug right now.”

How to Help A Hurting Friend

1. Hear them out.
•in other words, try to keep quiet and listen, except to
ask questions in order to understand.
2. Empathize
•This typically involves at least 2 dynamics:
A. Internal This involves perspective-taking
--attempting to take on the viewpoint of another person--as well as
remembering similar feelings, in order to help us
get closer to experiencing other’s feelings: to gain a sense of their
fear,
joy, sadness, and so on (this may be more useful than remembering
similar
circumstance’s which might not evoke similar emotions in us).
This prepares us for the next facet of empathy:
B. External Communicate your care acknowledge the
depth and importance of their feelings. Express your desire to be
present for them and to help them.
3. Let Them Cry
•in other words, be patient and give them time to process their
Emotions.
•this usually means fighting the urge to offer advice too quickly--
we tend to do this, not for the other person’s sake, but because we
feel
uncomfortable. Try to “be still” with the other amidst their
emotional
experience.
EXAMPLE:
....then after some period of time
4. Problem-solve
...only if it seems obviously appropriate--if so, you may want to offer
Suggestions, support, assistance, etc.

Assessing Empathetic statements

“Grade” each of the following responses in terms of how

EMPATHETIC
you think it is (toward someone who’s hurting).
__D__ Oh, don’t be upset; it’s not that bad.
 __C__ I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I feel for
you.
__C__ Don’t worry...you’ll feel better tomorrow.
__F__ Oh, that’s nothing. Listen to what happen to me today!
__B__ That must be rough. How are you holding up?
__B__ I know exactly how you feel. Something sort of like that
happened to a
friend of mine once.
__F__ You shouldn’t feel that way. It’s just a small matter.
__A__ I’m here for you if you need me. Just say the word.
__D__ Try not to make such a big deal about it and everything will
be fine.
__A/B__ I remember going through a similar situation. I know it’s
difficult.
__F__ Come on, let’s go over to Uncle Woody’s and get
hammered...you’ll feel
better in no time.
__A__ Would you like to talk about it?
__D__ I knew something like this was bound to happen. I saw it
coming.
__A__ I just want you to know I care about you and I’m available if
you need
someone to listen.
__D__ No sense crying over spilled milk. You might as well just get
on with
life.
__A__ I wish there was some way I could make you feel better. I’m
sorry
you’re hurting.
__A__ I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?
__F__ Don’t make me call a Wa-a-ambulance!
Interpersonal Ethics Pages J1 –
J4
My GOAL today is to give you an INTRODUCTORY FRAMEWORK for
thinking about how you develop and implement your interpersonal
ethics.
The Story: Once upon a time there lived a Baron and Baroness. They
lived
in a large, well-constructed castle which was located on an island in
the
middle of a wide, fast-flowing river. A drawbridge connected the
island to the
mainland at the river’s narrowest point. Rumor had it that the Baron
also kept
alligators in the river to keep swimmers from reaching his island.
One morning it became necessary for the Baron to visit the outlying
districts. As he prepared for his departure, the jealous Baron
warned his
beautiful wife, “Do not leave the castle while I am away. If you do, I
will
severely punish you upon my return.”
As the hours of the morning passed, the pretty Baroness grew
lonely.
Despite her husband’s warning, she decided to go see her lover who
lived in the
hills nearby. “Surely my husband will not return before sunrise,”
thought the
Baroness. So she ordered to servants to lower the drawbridge and
to leave it
down until she returned.
After spending several pleasant hours with her lover, the Baroness
returned to the drawbridge. However, as she approached the
drawbridge she found
it blocked by a madman wildly waving a wicked knife.
“Do not cross this bridge, pretty Baroness, or I will kill you,” he
screamed.
Fearing for her life, the Baroness went back to her lover and asked
for his
help. “Our relationship is only a romantic one,” her lover said. “I
will not help you
get across the bridge.”
The Baroness left her lover and sought out a boatman. She
explained her
plight to the boatman and asked him to take her across the river in
his boat.
“I will do it, but it will cost you 10 rubles,” the boatman said.
“But I have not money with me,” the Baroness protested.
“That’s too bad. No money, no ride,” the boatman replied.
Her fear growing, the Baroness ran crying to the home of a friend.
Again
she explained her situation and begged her friend to lend her the 10
rubles to pay
the boatman’s fee.
“If you had not disobeyed your husband, this would not have
happened. You
have created your own situation and I will not give you money,” said
her friend.
Dawn was coming and her last resource was exhausted. The
Baroness
returned to the drawbridge. Again she pleaded with the madman,
but to no
avail. In desperation, she tried to run past him but failed. She was
slain by the
madman.
•Who was most responsible for what happened to the baroness?
(Put an X in the blank)
Baron _______ Friend _______
Baroness ___X____ Lover _______
Boatman _______ Madman _______
•Every person’s interpersonal philosophy consists of the following 3
basic building blocks of beliefs (whether they are aware of it or
not):

1. ONTOLOGY-“Ontos” Essence of being- --addresses questions like:

_ To what extent are we really free, and as such, do we have

control over anything?

_ Does GOD exist? If not.... If so, what is GOD like?

_ Where did we come from?

_ Why are we here?

_ What happens after death?

2. EPISTEMOLOGY—“Episteme” Justified Belief --addresses

questions like:
_ What “count” as knowledge, and how do we get it?

_ To what extent can we be certain about anything?

_ Is there objective truth (outside the believer)?

3. ETHICS-- --addresses questions like:

_ How do we distinguish between right/Good and wrong/Evil (if we

can)?

_ How should we live in light of that?

_ What responsibility do we have toward “others?”

_ How should the situation affect ethical decision-making?

“US” vs. “THEM”

NOTE: These 3 categories of belief are intertwined.

•What we’re getting at is that each of us has what we can call
an ethical compass that we use to
help us make interpersonal decisions. Our ontology is like the
magnetic field, the unseen framework that guides us. Our
epistemology is like the set of 4 basic pointers we use to get our
bearings in order to determine which direction.
to move from where we are (i.e., apply our ethics).

Intuition
Statement: “This just feels right to me.” (Brain)
•Example--
Sense (Reason/Logis)
Statement: “This makes sense
It’s logical.” (Left Brain)
•Example--
Experience
Statement: “This fits what’s happened to me
before.”
•Example--
Word of Authority
Statement: “So & So said this is right.”
•Example—
A FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

•Let’s think for a minute about LYING:

Deliberately making a false statement or omitting information, with
the intention, of giving a false impression.

•WOULD IT BE ETHICAL TO LIE...

1. _Y__ to save someone’s life?
2. _N__ if you thought the truth might irreparably damage your
relationship
with someone.
3. _N__ to help a friend recover from a deep depression?
4. _N__ to achieve a much deserved promotion?
5. _N__ to avoid answering an unlawful (e.g., racist or sexist)
question in an
interview?
6. _N__ to avoid a conflict with your romantic partner?
7. _N__ to avoid getting in trouble with your parents?
8. _N__ to avoid losing points on an assignment in class?
9. _N__ to make yourself look better in an interview?
10. _N__ to get an advantage over someone competing for the same
job as you?
11. _N__ to get an outcome you know you don’t deserve?
12. _N__ when you know that lying will hurt someone else?

•How did you go about drawing the line between the scenarios
above in which
lying could be considered ethical as opposed to unethical?

A COUPLE ETHICAL
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL:
#1. How will others be affected by this decision?

#2. What would I want those same people to do if the situation were
reversed.

The Coordinated Management Of

Meaning
Communicative behavior, whether verbal or nonverbal, can have
many
different possible meaning, depending upon
the frameworks or environments we use to
interpret or make sense of them.

Communication scholars, Barnett Pearce and Vernon Cronen,

believe
that any message will make sense –(stated another way) any
meaning will be constructed only when interpreted
through several key types of context.

These are illustrated by what they refer to as the HEIRARCHY

MODEL OF
MEANING.
5. Culture
3. Self-Identity
6. Relationship
4. Episode
2. Speech Act
1. Content

Let’s look at each of these aspects of context in turn:

#1. The CONTENT level refers to the messages it self

such as the specific words chosen (like the words “You” and “jerk”)
or the specific non-verbal behaviors (like a particular facial
expression, such as a smile or a glare) used to represent the
meanings.

EXAMPLES: “I Love” “You Jerk”

You could look up each of these words in a dictionary and get
their “semantic meanings,” or you could look at
the grammar of the sentence in which they are embedded and get
their syntactic meanings, but you also need to look at
other aspects of the context, sometimes referred to as their
pragmatic meanings, to best know how to interpret them
accurately. Let’s look at those now.
#2. The SPEECH ACT level has to do with what we think is
motivating our interaction partner to enact the messages they
are enacting...Pearce & Cronen call messages “speech acts”
because they
think messages are simply “Actions we perform by speaking”
(Pearce, 1994). In other words, we try to accomplish things
when we speak. We are doing something--for example, like
pleading, demanding, promising, threatening, joking, apologizing,
etc.

EXAMPLES: “The three people on a bench Dad Fishing example with

Bud Light

This process is sometimes referred to as goal-inferencing

In other words, we tend to interpret messages we receive in light of
what we think the other’s goals are for sending them.

EXAMPLES: “I love you”

•Some key questions are, “Why are they saying this?”

“What do they want?” “What is their goal?”
*Think of a time when what you thought your interaction partner’s
intentions or
motives were had a significant influence on how you interpreted and
reacted to
their words and behaviors toward you. (1 min.)*

#3. EPISODES--an episode is a recurring communication event

or routine that has definable boundaries (e.g., beginning and
ending) and has rules much like a game of checkers or chess.

EXAMPLE:
Remember, we talked about constitutive rules (what
things mean) and regulative rules (what we
should do) the other day.
•Constitutive rules: Certain pieces on a chess board “mean” certain
things---that’s a king or queen or rook (castle) or bishop or knight
(horse)
or pawn.

•Regulative rules: There are certain moves that are allowed and
expected
in a game of chess, and there are other moves that aren’t.

Likewise, in a given communication episode, there are rules about

what
things mean and about what’s acceptable to
do and what’s not.
NOTE: Checkers and chess are played using the same board, but if
one person
is playing checkers and the other, chess, you are in for a frustrating
experience.

•The key question is, “What game are we playing now?”

This is also the key question you must ask to make sense of the
messages
(content & speech acts) being exchanged at any given point in
interpersonal
episodes.

EXAMPLES: “You Jerk”

Bitch, Hoe at TUC

*Think of a time when what you thought your interaction partner

was “playing a
different game” than it turns out they were actually playing. What
happened?
(1 min.)*

#4. RELATIONSHIP--the nature of the relationship and the mutual

expectations that exist between the two communicators
will guide them in both enacting and making
sense of the messages they exchange. These expectations develop
as a sort of communicative and experiential memory based on
the history of all their previous exchanges and
experiences with one another. Each exchange is like another brick
in the building known as ”the relationship.” The more
exchanges and shared experiences two people have had in the past,
the more
developed their relationship becomes, regardless of the kind it
is: coworkers, teammates, neighbors, family, friends, enemies....

EXAMPLES: “I love you” “You Jerk” “I love you jerk”

*Think of a relationship you have with someone that tends to “bias”
your
interpretation of every “fresh” message you receive from that
person.
(Ex.: someone you have a “bad history” with; or a
parent...”Mom...stop
nagging me!”) (1 min.)*
#5. SELF-IDENTITY--an individual’s view of him or herself. How you
see
yourself and how you see your interaction partner
influences how you communicate. You will interpret speech acts
both in light
of who you see yourself to be, and who you see your interaction
partner to be.

One meaningful framework for thinking about self-identity is in

terms of at
least 6 “different people” involved in any dyadic (2 person)
interaction:
1. MY ME--that’s how I see myself
2. MY YOU--that’s how I see you
3. MY YOUR ME--that’s how I think you see me
4. YOUR YOU--that’s how you see yourself
5. YOUR ME--that’s how you see me
6. YOUR MY YOU--that’s how you think I see you

EXAMPLES:

*How often do you think about these 6 persons when you

communicate
interpersonally? Of which do you think you are most aware? Least
aware?
(1 min.)*

#6. CULTURE--the webs of generally shared meanings,

values and rules within a group of people. The culture
one has been socialized in will profoundly influence how
they interpret messages (using constitutive rules) and how they
enact messages/behaviors (using regulative rules).

EXAMPLES:

*Think of a time when you had a miscommunication with someone

that you
think may have been culturally derived--the result of a cultural
difference in
beliefs or values or rules being followed. (1 min.)*

According to Pearce and Cronen, the more aware we are of

these 6 levels of context, the better our chances are of moving
toward
interpersonal competence and mutual understanding.

Principles Of Verbal
Communication V1 – V5
EXERCISE:
dat•ing (n.):
When 2 people are classifying themselves as together and work
thought a relationship.
2 people, love, work, nervous, not had, prom date
PRINCIPLE 1. Meanings are in people NOT in words.

PRINCIPLE 2. Meanings are denotative and

Connotative.

Literary scholars C. K. Ogden & I. A. Richards’ (1923) identified what

they called
the TRIANGLE OF MEANING--summarized in the following premise:

•There is no necessary connection between symbols

and reference (what they represent). That connection exists
solely in the mind of people.
Even if you are on a similar page with your interaction partner about
the
denotative meaning of the phrase, you may still profoundly miss
each
other in the connotative evaluations you attach to the phrase.

Exercise: Charles Osgood created the semantic

differential to try and measure the connotative meaning
of concepts. Here’s an example for the word, “dating.”
How would you rank “dating” on each of these connotative
dimensions?
responsible ____ * ____* ____ * __X__ * ____ * ____ * ____ irresponsible
pleasant ____ * ____* ____ * ___X_ * ____ * ____ * ____ unpleasant
easy ____ * ____* ____ * ____ * __X__ * ____ * ____ difficult
wise ____ * ____* ___X_ * ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ foolish
natural ____ * ____* __X__ * ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ unnatural
valuable ____ * ____* __X__ * ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ worthless
beneficial ____ * ____* ____ * __X__ * ____ * ____ * ____ harmful
purposeful ____ * ____* _X___ * ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ random
moral ____ * ___X_* ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ immoral
exciting ____ * ____* ___X_ * ____ * ____ * ____ * ____ boring

THE KEY POINT—Communication is all about helping people reach

similar meanings in each of their separate minds
PRINCIPLE 3. Messages vary in directness and by extension,
Politeness.

A helpful way of thinking about directness (and therefore,

politeness,
consideration, respect, etc.) is to think in terms of helping others
save
face.
There are two basic types of face-saving strategies:

•Positive face has to do with the desire to be

viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably.
Thus, it is impolite to criticize someone amidst other people,
because you undermine their ability to maintain positive face.

Indirect messages of critique or suggestion allow your

interaction partner to maintain positive face, as opposed to blunt or
direct
messages, and as such, reduce the likelihood of exposing them to
public embarrassment (shame).

•Negative face has to do with the desire to be

Autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish. Thus, it is
impolite to make demands of someone, because you undermine
their ability to maintain negative face.

Indirect messages also tend to allow your interaction

partner to maintain autonomy (negative face) and
provide an acceptable way for them to refuse a request.
More direct messages are usually less polite and may
undermine your partner’s ability to maintain both negative
and positive face.

EXAMPLES: Take out the trash now – blunt/Direct

Would you mind taking out the trash – Negative face
That was a stupid decision – blunt/Direct
Could you help me understand how you made that decision –
Negative Face

NOTE: Cultures very significantly in what politeness looks like in

terms of message directness or indirectness. For instance,
generally, Americans
tend to be much more direct (northerners more than southerners),
whereas
many Japanese and Chinese tend to be much more indirect as a rule.

•Can you think of someone you know who embodies each of these
approaches to
verbal messages--direct vs. indirect?
Marshall is blunt and direct Brookly is indirect
•The problem with the principles we’ve discussed today is that they
often lead
to what is called, bypassing -- when source & receiver miss
each other with their meanings:

2 Types of BYPASSING:

1. Different words,
same meanings.

EXAMPLES:

A. “I’m not looking for a hook-up. I want something more

meaningful.” [meaning: potential dating relationship]
B. “I’m not ready for that,” [meaning: long-term
commitment] “but I want to hang out [meaning: potential
dating relationship].”

2. Same words,
different meanings

EXAMPLES:
A. “I’m not into religion.” [I don’t really believe in God]
B. “Me neither.” [I don’t believe in organized religion, but
I do believe in God and spirituality].

A couple of interpersonal tools that can help us combat bypassing

are:
DEFINING OUR TERMS & ASKING CLARIFYING QUESTIONS.

M DEFINING OUR TERMS

•Try to explain potentially ambiguous words or phrases you’ve used
in more
concrete, specific terms.
T EXAMPLES:
•“When I say it’s a ‘great’ apartment, what I mean is...
S “...it’s clean.” S “...it’s cheap.”
S “...it’s beautiful.” S “...it’s indestructible.”
S “...it’s great for parties.” S “...it’s great for studying.”
S “...it’s in a great location.” S “...it’s big.” (or something else).
•“When I say, ‘s/he’s a good president,’ what I mean is, s/he...”
S “...has helped the economy.’”
S “...is concerned that every American gets health care.’”
S “...is poised, articulate and looks good on TV.’”
S “...has not grabbed anyone by their privates and bragged about
it.’”
S “...has not bombed the living daylights out of anyone.’”
S “...has not had sex with his/her interns.’”
*resemblence between these comments and actual presidents is
purely
coincidental. ;)
T PRACTICE TOPICS:
•Pair up. One of you starts--pick one of the topics below to discuss.
While
discussing it, practice defining at least one key word or phrase you
use which
could be misunderstood by the other person. Then the other picks a
topic (the
same one or a different one of their choice) to discuss. Same rules
apply.
1. Describe some qualities of a parent you know that you
appreciate.
2. Talk about some of the your favorite ways to spend your free
time.
3. Describe a favorite teacher you’ve had in the past.
4. Describe a great relationship you’ve seen (or had).
5. Discuss how you think someone can distinguish between right
and wrong.
6. Discuss something you believe in strongly and why.
7. Discuss your favorite movie from the last year and why.

ASKING CLARIFYING QUESTIONS

•Ask others to explain specific comments in order to clarify your
understanding of what they mean.
T SAMPLE QUESTIONS:
•“Could you elaborate on that for me?”
•”Can you clarify for me why you see it that way.”
•“Just so I’m sure I understand, when you say... what do you
mean?”
•“What is significant about that to you?”
•“Please help me understand how you reached that conclusion.”
T EXAMPLE:
•“Just so I’m sure I understand, when you describe him as
“homophobic,”
what does that mean to you?” (it could mean ‘he hates gays’...or ‘he
is afraid of
gays’...or ‘he disagrees with the gay lifestyle’...or something else--
these are each
profoundly different.)
•“Please help me understand what you mean when you say that
you’re spiritual.”
(this means so many different things to different people.)
T PRACTICE TOPIC:
•Pair up. One of you starts--discuss something that has been an
ongoing source of
frustration for you. Then the partner should try to explore a specific
point of the
other’s comments by asking at least one clarifying question. Then
switch roles

Nonverbals In Interpersonal
Communication N1 – N8
Nonverbal communication could be defined as “messages expressed
by
Nonlinguistic means.”

1. BODY COMMUNICATION:
•5 TYPES OF BODY MOVEMENTS (KINESICS):
1. Illustrators -- accompany and
Complement verbal messages.

EXAMPLES:

2. Regulators – monitor and/or influence

the other’s speaking--indicating what you want them to do as they
speak.

EXAMPLES:
When you act like your done communication by changing your body.

3. Emblems -- replace verbal messages with a

precise meaning.

EXAMPLES:
Different symbols have different meanings in other cultures.

4. Adapters--are nonverbal adjustments

which satisfy some need.

EXAMPLES:
Taking a drink, moving your hair, scratching an itch.

5. Affect Displays--are facial expressions

that convey emotional meaning.

EXAMPLES:

2. FACIAL COMMUNICATION:

6 PRIMARY EMOTIONS:
1. Joy
2. Anger
3. Fear
4. Sadness
5. Surprise
6. Disgust

5 FACIAL MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES (Malandro, Barker &

Barker, ‘89)--are used to adjust our facial display of emotion
to achieve an effect that our culture’s public
display rules tell us are appropriate

1. Intensifying – exaggerating your emotional

display.

EXAMPLES: When someone like a friend gets a prometon but you

have to make your emotions much higher.

2. De-Intensifying -- Downplaying your emotional

display, reducing your response.

EXAMPLES: When you ask someone out and they say yes and you
cant show how happy you are.

3. Neutralizing -- showing no emotional display

What so ever.

EXAMPLES: When you have to show no emotions happy or sad.

4. Masking – covering up one emotion

and displaying a different one.

EXAMPLES: Being a serve and halving to deal with a very annoying

customer that you cant please but have to be nice to.

5. Simulating -- expressing an emotional

display when you feel nothing.

EXAMPLES: When you don’t feel anything but are acting happy to
blend in.

3. ASSORTED ASPECTS OF BODY APPEARANCE:

The primary function of body appearance is identification.

That is, we tend to be identified and distinguished from others, first
and
foremost, by our physical characteristics. Our own self-identities
are also deeply tied into our physical person.

Researchers have consistently found that people are likely to

attribute all kinds of inner or personal
characteristics to us based on our physical appearance, including
aspects such
as:

1. Level of attractiveness (facial, body)--I talk

about the specific factors that influence this in my NV class (COMM
3048).

2. Height -- taller people are afforded advantages in most societies.

3. Height to weight ration -- this is related to body type, again

which I discuss in more depth in my NV class.

4. Skin color and tone -- often perceived as racial

identifiers...whether valid or not--which generate all kinds of
potentially
stereotypical perceptions.

5. Sex and gender -- the former historically refers to the physical/

biology/genetic distinctions of male and female, while the latter
historically refers
to the cultural definitions of masculinity--”male-like”--and
femininity--”femalelike.”

6. Age -- some factors make this more difficult to discern, such as

personal genetics and the booming cosmetic surgery industry.

7. Hair color and style -- display both genetic and

cultural influences.

8. Clothing and artifacts (articles made

by human craft)--these serve all kinds of functions, again which I
discuss in
more depth in my NV class.
4. EYE COMMUNICATION:
The average duration of gazing (looking at your partner) in
England & the US is 2.95 seconds. The average duration of
mutual gaze or eye contact is 1.18
seconds. (Argyle, ‘88)

If duration is with in those parameters, you will probably

take the eye behavior for granted/think nothing of it.
•If it is shorter or longer, you may
attribute (assign) some kind of significance
(meaning) to the eye behavior.

Listeners typically gaze at speakers more than speakers gaze at

listeners (Knapp & Hall, ‘09).
While listening, from 62 – 75 % gazing. 2/3 – 3/4 of the time
While speaking, from 38 - 41% gazing. Over 1/3 of the time

•Eye contact is a key high immediacy behavior because it can

communicate both relational warmth and power.

EXAMPLE: When the eyes on the Trix rabbit were pointed at the
adult customers resulting in higher sales compared to subsequent
brands.

The conclusion: “Making eye contact even with a character on a

cereal box
inspires powerful feelings of connection.”

Studies show that newborns instinctively lock eyes with their

caregivers.

Researchers have also found that children and adults who avoid or
are
denied eye contact are more likely to suffer from depression
and feelings of isolation as well as exhibit antisocial
traits such as callousness.

•How do you think this correlates with the increase in people

looking at their
mobile devices rather than at each other? How might this effect
trends in the
future?

The VISUAL DOMINANCE RATIO refers to the time spent gazing

while speaking divided by time spent gazing while
listening. ½ ratio
Gazing more while speaking relative to listening (thus, a higher
ratio) tends to increase perceived social power or
dominance.
5. TOUCH COMMUNICATION:

•HESLIN’S (‘83) 5 TYPES OF TOUCH MESSAGES:

1. Functional - Professional –– cold, businesslike,
to accomplish some task or perform some service.

2. Social - Polite –– affirming the person while

applying general rules of social conduct.

3. Friendship – warmth -- begins to address person’s

uniqueness and express a liking for that person.

4. love – intimacy -- expressing emotional attachment or

attraction through touch.

5. Sexual arousal -- distinct from love-intimacy when

this kind of touching is motivated primarily by physical/sexual
attraction.

•Touch, like eye contact, is a key high immediacy behavior--it

can communicate both relational warmth and power.

More touching can yield more favorable perceptions and greater

compliance from others.

•Relationally, mutual touch tends to follow a

curvilinear path, based on the stage of a couple’s
relationship.

•Early on (initiating and experimenting), partners tend to touch

Less.

•In the intermediate stages (intensifying and integrating), partners

tend to touch a great deal.

•At stable (bonding) or deteriorating (differentiating

thru avoiding) stages, partners tend to go back to touching less
(Guerrero & Andersen, ‘91).
6. PARALANGUAGE, OR VOCALICS:

1. Vocal Characteristics -- aspects of the

voice that influence the construction of meaning and relational
dynamics.

EXAMPLES:

•Stress—the relative emphasis given to certain syllables in a

word, or to certain words in a phrase or sentence.

Ex – I told you to help her

•Rate—words per unit of time; slow vs. fast--higher rate is linked

to greater persuasiveness.

•Pitch—the sound frequency produced by the rate of vibration of

the
vocal folds of the throat.

•Pitch variation -- the use of changing pitch frequency to

convey syntactic information or vocal animation/engagement.

•Tonal Quality -- the distinguishing characteristics which

create the unique timbre of a particular voice.

•Volume —the amplitude or loudness of one’s voice.

2. Vocalizations—sounds we make while laughing, crying,

screaming, coughing, sneezing, throat clearing, belching, moaning,
yawning, etc....

3. Vocal Segregates — sound combinations that aren’t

necessarily words (um, uh, er, hmm, uh-huh, like, ya know...) that
chop up the
flow of our speech: aka, disfluencies or vocal fillers.

4. Silence / use of pause -- gaps in speaking that

allow time for reflection, turn-changes, other nonverbal cues to take
the
fore, etc.
7. PROXEMICS & SPATIAL MESSAGES:

4 INTERPERSONAL DISTANCES (Hall, ‘66, ‘90; N. American)

1. Intimate distance: contact to 18 inches --

Reserved for private, informal
interaction with people we love or trust. Also
task / service functions: doctor, dentist, barber....

• Close PHASE--for love making

Wrestling, comforting & protecting
Touch plays Bigger role, words less so.

• For PHASE--still allows for touch by extending hands.

2. Personal distance: 18 to 4 feet --
Tends to be warm and involving, but not hot
and arousing --e.g., close friends & family.

• Close PHASE--people can hold or grasp

each other by extending arms.

• Far PHASE--you can touch each other only by

extending arms.

3. Social distance: 4 feet to 12 feet --

For relatively impersonal, businesslike transactions.

• Close PHASE--for more casual interactions between

acquaintances, classmates, coworkers or standing in social
gatherings.

• Far PHASE--is for more formal interactions (e.g., meeting

with an official).

4. Public distance: 12 feet to 25+ feet

For formal or public settings: speaker and audience,
celebrities and fans, higher-level management and lower-level
employees.
• Close PHASE--you feel protected by space (e.g.,
from a drunk or panhandler or petition-seeker...tee, hee); you have
time to
react to defend yourself if threatened.
• Far PHASE--you tend to see others not as individuals
but as part of the entire setting. 30 ft is approx. distance most
people establish around important public figures.

8. TERRITORIALITY:

3 Types of territories (Altman, ‘75):

1. Primary territories--the exclusive domain

of the owner.

2. Secondary territories--areas that don’t belong to you as

such, but that you have occupied or are associated
with.

3. Public territories--areas open to all people for

temporary use.

9. TEMPORAL COMMUNICATION:

Psychologica TIME ORIENTATION: Chronemics - Time

Where do you spend the most time mentally (your psuche--your
soul)
while your body is stuck in the present?

The past (remembering, reminiscing, regretting, resenting...),

the present (living in the moment, playing, spending) or

an anticipated future (planning, dreaming, preparing, worrying,
working,
saving...)?

Formal VS Informal TIME:

FORMAL Time: the “official,” agreed-upon divisions of
time we learn in our culture to organize, coordinate and record our
experience:
seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, etc.

INFORMAL Time: the more general, ambiguous ways of refering

to time: “forever,” “immediately,” “pretty soon,” “right away,” “in
a minute,” “as
soon as possible,” “awhile,” etc.

THE Social CLOCK:

Your culture maintains a sometimes implicit/sometimes explicit time
schedule
for the “right time” to do various important things: starting
school, starting dating, finishing college, getting married, buying a
home,
starting a family, etc.
The social pressure and/or dissatisfaction you
can feel if you are not keeping pace with you peers can be
significant.

Listening Styles Sheet L1 – L6

Which of the following listening styles do you MOST prefer a person
to
use with you when you need to:

1. talk about something that’s really upsetting to you?

2. share an opinion about something important to you?

3. get advice when you don’t know what to do in a situation?

The SUPPORTER...encourages the speaker by nonverbal & verbal

support,
expressing acceptance of the speaker.

The CLARIFIER...tries to understand by restating what has been

said, in
order to reach shared meaning.

The MEDIATOR...tries to suggest alternatives in conflict situations;

tries to
express both sides of issues for the sake of perspective.

The EXPLORER...probes gently for more information by asking

questions of an
open-ended nature.

The IDENTIFIER...thinks through how he/she would feel, seeks to

experience
true empathy & understanding.

The LEARNER...goes in open-minded, willing to gain insight from

what the
speaker has to say.

The GIVER...goes in with the willingness to give, even at personal

expense, in
order to support the speaker.

The ABSORBER...willing to act simply as a sounding board, in spite

of
differences of perspective or opinion.

The POSTPONER...seeks to postpone personal judgment, as hard as

that can
be, in order to be a better resource to the speaker.

Other...

Question to ask? – What kind of listener would you like me to be

right now?

Which of the following listeners do you LEAST prefer when you need
to:

1. talk about something that’s really upsetting to you?

2. share an opinion about something important to you?

3. get input when you don’t know what to do in a situation?

The FAKER...pretends to be listening; more concerned about

appearances
than with actually listening.

The TEACHER...ready to dump their unsolicited, free advice on you,

whatever the topic; a.k.a., the “Expert-on-Everything” or“know-it-
all.”

The DREAMER...this is the one whose mind is somewhere out in the

ozone;
you can tell by the glaze in their eyes (they don’t even try to fake
it!).

The CAMPER...they selectively focus (camp) on and respond only to

the parts
of your remarks that interest them, ignoring or rejecting everything
else.

The HIJACKER...regularly shifts the conversation back onto

themselves; a.k.a.,
“stage hogs” or “conversational narcissists”--in other words, it’s all
about them.

The PROSECUTOR...ready to administer judgment from the outset; it

can feel
like you’re being cross-examined; a.k.a., the “interrogator.”

The PLACATER...opposite of prosecutor, a chameleon who goes

along with
whatever speaker says, just to avoid conflict, in spite of what they
might personally
believe or feel--they will just tell you what you want to hear.

The INTERRUPTER...regularly cuts the speaker off before they can

finish their
thoughts, dominating the speaking time.

The WANDERER...this person is constantly distracted by everything

around
them...people, movement, sounds, smells, you name it; a.k.a.,
“Doug.” (squirrel!)

The COMPUTER...tends to give either no response or only “logical,

mechanical” responses that are problem-solving in nature, but do
not
acknowledge emotions.

The ONE-UPPER...always ready to trump your story with a better

one,
whether it’s something good that happened to you, or something
bad.

Other....
PARAPHRASING

•Restate or summarize the other’s comments in your own words.

•3 Dimensions of Meaning:
1. BELIEFS--the other’s understanding or perception of the situation
2. FEELINGS--emotions they may be experiencing
3. GOALS--what they may be trying to accomplish
•3 Basic Steps to Paraphrasing:
1. Begin with a TENTATIVE OPENING.
Am I hearing you say... You seem to be
saying...
Correct me if I’m wrong... Is it possible that...
Help me see if I’m understanding you... It sounds as if ...
Just so I’m sure I’m following you...

2. Try to RESTATE or SUMMARIZE in your own words what you think

they
meant.

DO NOT SIMPLY PARROT THE SPEAKER’S WORDS.

•Speaker: I’d like to go, but I can’t afford it.
•Parroting: So you’d like to go, but you can’t afford it.
•Paraphrasing: So if we could find a way to pay for you, you’d be
willing to come.
Is that right?

•Speaker: I’m frustrated!

•Parroting: So what you’re saying is...you’re frustrated.
•Paraphrasing: Sounds like something’s driving you crazy. What’s
up?.

3. Then invite them to CONFIRM or CLARIFY your paraphrase.

How did I do? Did that seem accurate?
What’s going on? How are you doing?
Is that on track? What’s up?

PRACTICE TOPIC:

•Pair up. One of you starts--discuss something about which you’ve

felt a
sense of accomplishment or fulfillment. Once you’ve finished, your
partner
must paraphrase your comments to your satisfaction. Then switch
roles.

• PROMPTING
This is simply a small nudge to keep the speaker talking. Prompting
(also
known as “using backchannel cues”) involves using silences and
brief
statements of encouragement to draw others out. Besides helping
you better
understand the speaker, prompting can also help others clarify their
thoughts
and feelings.

EXAMPLES:
Uh-huh. Really?
Go on. Hmm.
Tell me more. [silence]
That’s for sure. No doubt.

•Prompting will work best when it’s done sincerely. Your nonverbal
behaviors—
attentive eye contact, alert posture, warm facial expressions, and
pleasant tone
of voice—will show that you are concerned with the other person’s
problem.
Mechanical prompting is likely to irritate instead of help.

• SUPPORTING

Supporting reveals a listener’s solidarity with the speaker’s

situation. One scholar
describes supporting as “expressions of care, concern, affection,
and interest,
especially during times of stress or upset.”

•There are several TYPES of supportive listening responses:

EMPATHIZING “I can understand why you’d be upset about this.”

“Yeah, that class was tough for me, too.”

AGREEING “You’re right—the landlord is being unfair.”

“Sounds like the job is a perfect match for you.”

OFFERING HELP “I’m here if you need me. What can I do?”
“I’d be happy to study with you for the next test.”

PRAISING “Wow—you did a fantastic job!”

“I think you handled that as well as one could have.”
REASSURING “The worst part seems to be over. I think it will get
more manageable from
here.”
“I’m sure you’ll do a great job.”

• ANALYZING

When analyzing, the listener offers an interpretation of a speaker’s

message.

EXAMPLES:
“I think what’s really bothering you might be . . .”
“Maybe she’s doing it because . . .”
“I think what they meant by that was. . .”
“I wonder if the problem started when he . . .”
“Here’s another way of making sense of what happened.. . .”

•Interpretations can help people who are struggling to consider

alternative
meanings—meanings they might not have thought of without your
help.

NOTE: Sometimes an analysis will make a confusing problem

suddenly clear,
either suggesting a solution or at least providing an understanding
of what is
occurring. However, sometimes analysis is unwanted, and can make
matters worse.

Guidelines for offering an analysis:

•Offer your interpretation as TENTATIVE rather than as absolute

fact.
Tentative statements can be easier to receive: “Maybe the reason is
. . .” or “The
way it looks to me . . .” as opposed to: “It’s obvious that....” or
“Here’s what’s
really going on...” or “This is the way it is...”

•Try to discern whether the other seems OPEN and RECEPTIVE to

analysis.
Even if you’re completely accurate, your thoughts won’t help if the
problem
holder isn’t ready to consider them.
•Check your MOTIVES for offering an analysis.
Is it truly to help the other person? It can be tempting to offer an
analysis
to show how brilliant you are or even to make the other person feel
bad for
not having thought of the right answer in the first place. Needless
to say, an
analysis offered under such conditions isn’t helpful.