Cien Anos de Soledad

by HappyInLove

Table of Contents
Chapter 1......................................................................... 1 Chapter 2...................................................................... 3 Chapter 3...................................................................... 10 Chapter 4.......................................................................16 Chapter 5..................................................................... 25 Chapter 6..................................................................... 32 Chapter 7..................................................................... 38 Chapter 8..................................................................... 43 Chapter 9...................................................................... 51 Chapter 10.....................................................................56 Chapter 11....................................................................... 61 Chapter 12..................................................................... 70 Chapter 13..................................................................... 77 Chapter 14.....................................................................83 Chapter 15...................................................................... 91 Chapter 16..................................................................... 98 Chapter 17.................................................................... 103 Chapter 18..................................................................... 110 Chapter 19......................................................................118 Chapter 20................................................................... 126 Chapter 21.................................................................... 133 Chapter 22................................................................... 140 Chapter 23................................................................... 150 Chapter 24................................................................... 158 Chapter 25 Epilogue .......................................................166

Chapter 1
"Bella!" Alice's scream and laugh still sounded the same, even after the two years we'd spent apart. Even after everything I'd heard. "God, Bella, I can't believe you're here!" I searched the concorse formy short, spiky-haired best friend, clutching the sleeping three-year old to my chest. The faint breathing on my neck reminded me of the humid air back in Guatemala, and for a second I almost lost my resolve not to cry. "Bella!" I heard her voice again, even over all of the commotion. She appeared out of no where, and as much as she changed, I knew it was her. Even with her hair, long and wavy now, her clothes, mellowed more than I was used to before, and her smile, fading at the sight of my luggage that clutched me just as tightly as I did it, it was my best friend in front of me. "Alice," I sighed, staring at her as if she were a mirage. For so long she'd belonged to a dreamworld, a place that I somehow came to forget as I worked in the orphanage in Rio Dulce, a past I was convinced didn't exist anymore, not since La Quema del Diablo. "Come here," she whispered, hugging me tightly, her arms wrapping around my smaller frame and the little girl. Her touch felt foreign, her skin soft, her hair still lingering with the smell of her shampoo and soap, luxuries I'd long since forgotten about. I'm sure I smelled hideous, looked worse, because I know I felt it. "I've been so worried. I thought I'd never see you again," she sighed, never easing her grip on me. I melted into her, as people swirled around us and the world mashed itself into pulp. "I told you I'd be back," I scolded, smiling instead of allowing the tears to fall. I wouldn't cry; I couldn't. "You can't blame me for not believing you," Alice smiled back, her eyes still warm and bright, and this time, instead of as they were last time I saw them, filled with tears of happiness. "You didn't tell me you were bringing someone back with you." Alice ran her hand along the little girl's back, tucking the giant sweatshirt around her tighter, causing her to stir in her sleep. She just clung to my shirt even more, bunching it in her tiny hands. I hadn't really had time to tell Alice much of anything on my phone call, explaining my exodus. I had a gun to my back, a soldier hissing in Spanish in my ear, ready to shoot me at any given notice. "She stole my heart," I explained, kissing the top of her head. "I would have brought them all back, if I could, but she needs me." Alice nodded, her face still soft. "Let's go get your luggage, and we'll talk at home." I hitched the backpack on my shoulder and looked at her sheepishly. "I don't have any lougage," I muttered. I was twenty three years old, a college graduate, former volunteer at an orphanage in Guatemala, and I had a back pack of clothes that held not just my only other change of clothes, but also the only other change of clothes for my little girl. My little girl. That was all I possessd. The sweat shirt that acted as a blanket to Maya wasn't even my own. "She's pretty," a man's voice startled me as I absently ran my fingers through Maya's long black hair and gazed out the window, exhausted, an outcast, a failure. "How old is she?" "She's three," I mumbled a response, peaking at the child in my lap. Her doe-like eyes gazed up at me, brimming with innocence, her finger firmly planted in her mouth, the other hand rooted in my own hair. Maya shivered slightly as I adjusted the air conditioning. It was foreign to our skin, that had grown hotblooded in the humidity of the last two years. I didn't even miss it anymore. I hugged her tighter, knowing full well I didn't have any warmer clothes for her. "Here," the stranger nudged, handing me a giant, dark blue sweatshirt. I was sinfully proud, but the 1

sight of Maya shivering easily swept that out the window. I tucked it around her and hummed gently as we crossed the continent towards Seattle. I mouthed a 'thank you' once her breathing evened against my collar bone. I had to have her near me, for fear that if I let her go, she'd be gone forever. For the first time, I looked at the kind stranger. He gave me a genuine smile before nodding and turning back to his stack of papers. He looked young, maybe around my age, with burnt pumpkin colored hair, forest green eyes, a strong jaw, and nose that could be perfect from the front, although from the side had a small crook in it. The Bella from before would have been blushing, stuttering, and gawking, but that was in the past. He got one second glance, and that was all. I'd become a woman who had a kid, and had grow tired under a year of revolution, so much to a point that I didn't care about the gorgeous man beside me who offered the tiny girl in my lap his sweatshirt. I watched the hairs on his forearms rise and gooseflesh appear against the cold. I smiled. I dug in my bag at my feet for the journal Alice had given me as a going away present. It was littered with phtographs, letters, leafs, flowers, bubble gum wrappers, all from different people, each piece of trash reminding me of the people left behind. I opened to the last available page, the other filled with writing and memories. I wrote down one phrase to finish my journey to find myself: I am unrecognizable.

Chapter 2
"I promise I'll be back as soon as I can," I smiled as I tried to hide the tears forming. "And I'll send lots of fun stuff for you all." Tiny bodies and hands grabbed me tightly, each face sporting a pout the size of Texas. They had no idea that I might never be back. I hugged each child, feeling my resolution to not cry slip with each kiss they'd give me. I wanted to take them all away from this world, and my ineffectiveness paralyzed me. I knew the day would come when I would have to leave, but when I had arrived, when the world was open and free for the taking, I pictured a tearful smile and kisses of happiness, not this rushed departure under the gun. Finally, I managed to pull myself from the classroom at the urging of my boss and best friend, Jacob Black. I had a plane to catch, and unfortunately, they weren't going to wait while I hugged the kids I watched grow up for the past two and a half years. Hell, the guys with guns out front were more likely to shoot me than actually let me get on the flight. "Hey, novia," I cooed as I hugged a three year old girl tightly. "Te quiero." She stared back at me with deep brown eyes, almost completely black. Her black hair was braided and sat long on her back, her finger stuck in her mouth for security. Maya had been at the first straggler to arrive at the orphanage, her hair matted with blood, a gash in her arm and her eyes as big and empty as they were right now. She never made a sound, even as the doctor stitched her without anesthetic or pain killers, instead she stuck her free finger in her mouth and stared at me as I held her, crying enough for the both of us at my first sight of innocent pain. She had been my shadow since then, and for some reason, I felt bonded to her. We found each other at the time when we were both unsure of what we needed. I heard stories of the faint revolution breaking out, but we were safe in our cathedral in the jungle, children of a greater God, free from the world and pain. Then, sirens started to cut through the regular noises that surrounded us in the darkness; fire shot up through the forests, clouding the black sky with grey smoke in the distance, wafting the smell of rotting and decay our way. The second night of the sirens, Maya had shown up, simply wondering around the jungle at night. That was the night fate had willed we'd found each other. "I love you so much," I kissed her cheeks, her forehead, her nose. She smiled faintly, only recently starting to show that emotion of happiness. "We're going to be ok," I swore, even if she couldn't understand. Her eyes just stared back at me, echoing so much to me. I clutched the picture of Jacob, Maya and I, her papers he had fabricated, and our tiny backpack of clothes eagerly. These were the most important things in my life; this is what my life had become. Two years ago, I was a young, idealistic girl who couldn't have picked between her ipod or cell phone as most vital aspects of her being. Today, I was older, scarred from reality and the loss of the innocence that I once clung to so tightly. I hadn't found myself; I'd found the reality of the world. The door of the classroom shut with a resounding snap, canceling the noise of the goodbyes I was wished, and instead smacking me with the silence of the surrounding jungle. Ah, home sweet home, I thought, taking in the lush forest that surrounded the orphanage. I remember stepping of the plane for the first time, wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into when I applied for the internship to teach English in Guatemala. Of course, this was before everything happened, back when times were happy. I was once a different person though, I guess. That person seemed like a distant dream, as never having existed. I'd seen things, heard things, felt things that should never be allowed to exist, and it had tortured me. 3

I sighed, taking one final gulp of air that was always sweet with nectar and humidity, and made my way to the waiting jeep. The two men with guns, waiting to get rid of every American, watched me with scowls. The revolution was winning; I was an enemy, better off dead. I held Maya tighter under their glare. As soon as I was in the truck, they slammed the door, yelling at Jacob to get me out of there, with a few harsher words thrown in for my own sake. Jacob drove in silence along the bumpy tracks that blazed through high grass and never-ending shrubbery. I gazed out into the greenness that surrounded all sides, and tried to memorize every fleeting detail. I had once feared the jungle, the rivers, but soon enough, it became part of me, and the kids taught me as much as I had taught them. Now, I only feared never coming back, of something happening to the kids, to Jacob, to Leah. I needed to stay, but I was forbidden, an American traitor, despite my time spent raising and teaching the youth. I didn't think to open my mouth and talk over the rickety engine of the jeep as we barreled along towards Barillas, the closet town. Jacob didn't either. He was my best friend here, we'd seen things together that bond the soul, we've lost things that unite hearts, and he understood the silence. Maya played with my hair, studying it, as I was the outside word, unconcerned with the silence. Instead, I replayed ever second of my arrival, wondering just how different I'd be when I got back to the states after everything I'd seen. "Alice, I'm going to be back soon enough," I scolded my best friend as she clung to me in the SeaTac airport. "Bella, two years isn't soon enough," she cried, hugging me tighter. I had graduated only a month ago, after two and a half years and finishing my bachelors in English, and I was ready to go out and do something, much to my family and Alice's dismay. I applied for the orphanage outreach internship a few months before graduation, and forgot about it almost completely, thinking it only a pipedream. I'd graduated early just for this purpose, to stretch my wings before getting too old, before having to settle down, hoping to find myself somewhere along the way. The day before graduation, I got the call. I quickly accepted, and in the whirlwind that accompanied the following days, I tried to convince everyone that it was for the best. I was going out to help, to go somewhere where teachers were scarce, at best, where few people wanted to go, and I was going to do something to make a difference. Orphans that spoke English were always more appealing, so readily adapted as an accessory to any well-off family. "I promise, I'm only a letter away, and sometimes I'll get to use the phone, and you'll be my first phone call," I swore as I pulled out of Alice's death grip. I knew that it'd be a long shot, getting to use a phone, but it was nice to give her some hope. The orphanage sat on the Rio Dulce, on almost six acres of forest and fields for the kids. It was a small operation, but always able to take in anyone who needed it. The school there was used by the local villages as well, so it was a great community tool, and I was excited to be exploring something so different form Seattle. "Be careful down there," Alice reminded me, unfazed by my promises. "I will," I swore, shouldering my bag and shuffling my feet. "What's the worst that could happen?" "Don't you dare say that!" she screamed, hugging me back to her, as if her hug would save me. "It's a village in the middle of the jungle, I'll be fine," I reasoned with her one more time, believing that since it was so hidden, the real world really wouldn't touch there. Like I said, I was one optimistic. About six months into my start at San Simon Orphanage in Rio Dulce, during the time of La Quema del Diablo, the burning of the devil, the time when spirits were to be high and merry, the devil himself did burn. He burned and threw his flames in all directions, poisoning hearts and working his chaos. Civil protests and battles started to break out in the bigger cities. Of course, months later it filtered to the villages closest to us. Jacob, the director, and once a student at the orphanage, swore that 4

no matter which party won, they wouldn't harm an orphanage. I believed him, and true to his word, it never happened. Of course, other places weren't that lucky. Hospitals, churches, schools, homes, every place within ten miles of civilization were attacked, burned, massacred. There was no aid. The U.S. took no stance with the parties, meaning no help at all as cities died between stolen machine gun battles or brothers killing fathers. Almost eight months into my internship, children started to appear at our doorstep, battered, bloody, crying and hurting. Optimism has no place in a house full of murder victims' left over's. Each child came to us, and we couldn't turn them away, even when we were at capacity, stretching what we had that much more, often the teachers going without. As much as this situation should have scared me, had me running back home, tail between my legs as the real world attacked serenity, I couldn't. I would make sure those children were protected, as best I could, until they pulled me, kicking and screaming. They'd already seen too much, and I couldn't stand that. Unfortunately, kicking and screaming withheld, that's exactly what the revolution did; forced me out, afraid that the murder of an American would spark U.S. interest. A few months ago, the men with guns showed up, claiming the orphanage as a public service, and one the government was involved in, even if it ran on private donations and we worked for nothing, not to mention the fact that there was no government. The men with guns stayed, clad in their camouflage and dirt, always watching, waiting. Political parties clashed and raged, creating more turmoil, enough so that I was ordered out by the government, or told I'd end up in a ditch. I asked for the ditch, but Jacob made me change my mind, telling me it would kill him if I did that. I felt the tears on my face, warm and salty even in the humidity that made my skin a constant state of slick and damp as we reached the tiny shack of an airport with the tiny plane parked on the dirt runway. "You have the papers, the picture?" Jacob finally asked, searching my face with worry. We were about to risk everything, and if we failed, it meant death. "Yes," I mumbled, nodding. We got out of the car and approached the plane with the armed guards. They were the same to me as the ones that wait around the orphanage; faceless, cowardly men, killers of children, of families, diablos. I propped Maya on my hip as we approached, clutching our passports, one real, one bought. "Just the woman," The taller guard hissed to Jacob, his Spanish rough and with a hint of mountain origins. "My wife is taking our daughter. I cannot look after her," Jacob lied perfectly. Between the both of us, if one squinted their eyes and was half drunk, they could believe that Maya had been our own. She had Jacob's russet skin and black hair, only really pulling my eyes. Back home, no one would think twice when they looked at the picture of us together; they'd think Jacob was her father simply because they were from the same country. But here, I wasn't so sure. "Papers?" the guard asked, nudging me with the barrel of his gun. The cold metal made me shiver. I pulled the fake birth certificate, passports, and our flight papers and orders to evacuate from my pocket. He snatched them and scanned them, looking for the lie. My heart stopped beating with each flicker of his eye over the papers. He thrust them back at me a moment later before moving out of the way so we could climb into the tiny cockpit. I turned to Jacob, not content with just silence. "Jacob," I shook my head. He hugged me tightly before kissing my forehead, followed by his kiss on Maya's. "I love you," I whispered, kissing his cheek. He had been my brother in arms, my protector, and I did, I loved him. "I love you, Bells. Take care of her," he smiled. His eyes screamed to me, so much he couldn't say. I just nodded before climbing into the plane. He waited, standing by the jeep until we were in the air. He 5

had given so much, to make sure I got out safely, he risked everything to help me save Maya, and I could never repay him. I scanned the towns from above, gazing out the window to still my mind and try to escape the haunting memories. Cities were in upheaval, and things were only getting worse, but I wished I could stay. As sick as it sounded, I found myself here, I'd lost myself here. The tiny body squirmed in my lap as I realized my grip was tight on Maya's tiny frame. I kissed her forehead as the plane took us into Mexico City, to a tiny airport beside the giant, real one. This one was my last glance at the primitive world that I had grown used to, and now, thinking about cars, traffic, electricity, hot water, toilets, I almost felt disgust. In twelve hours I'd be in Seattle, which might as well have been a million miles from Rio Dulce. I'd be free of armed men, guns pointed at me as I walked to get water for the children; I'd be free from it all. Yet, as the plane touched down, I knew my heart was still trapped. On the way to Alice's apartment, she stopped by a store to buy some necessities. I was timid, for the first time in a long time, which was weird, considering I'd had a gun pointed at me not more than fourteen hours before. I was dragging on my feet, but I knew Alice was right to stop. Maya clung to me a little more now, but didn't fuss, just tried to take everything in at once. "So, everyone was at home, waiting for you with a surprise dinner," Alice peeped fearfully as she grabbed a cart. "But I told them about our newest addition, sort of, and they understood that it'd be better to see you tomorrow." I smiled in thanks. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and never get out again. "Thanks." I wrapped the sweatshirt tighter around Maya. She clung to it, almost happily, as if it were a security blanket. "That looks new, Bella," Alice finally realized as I rubbed Maya's back. My arms were growing tired of holding her, but I couldn't let her go. "Some guy on the plane gave it to her," I explained as Alice threw soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, brushes, and shampoo into the buggy. "I think she dazzled him with her eyes. Right, Maya?" She just looked back at me at the sound of her name and nodded slightly. "Maya," Alice mused, moving to the clothes after grabbing pull-ups and baby stuff. "That's a beautiful name for probably the cutest kid I've ever seen." I couldn't help but beam. "Will she call me Aunt Alice?" my best friend asked, as always turning a situation into something else. "She doesn't really talk," I answered, somewhat ashamed to derail her excitement. "She knows what we're saying, she'll nod, shake her head, but she never makes a noise." "She doesn't cry?" Alice balked, holding clothes up to Maya's frame then throwing them in the cart. She was going overboard, but I wasn't about to tell her that. I already knew that by tomorrow we'd have new clothes waiting for us when we woke up, in clothes we'd both probably hate. "No, not at all. She has silent tears, los rasgones silenciosos," I whispered, more to Maya. Alice just frowned and stared at the girl again. I knew exactly what she was thinking; poor child, pitiful, defenseless. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Maya survived. We moved to grab me a few pairs of sweat pants for the night and then to leave. "She'll be calling me Aunt Alice before you know it," Alice finally predicted as we got back into the car. "I hope so," I admitted. The whole ride to Alice's apartment, she chattered about nothing of consequence to Maya, who just stared at her, occasionally sneaking glances at me, almost asking what the hell she was going on about. We walked upstairs, arms filled with bags so we didn't have to make two trips. It was almost ridiculous how things I thought I'd forgotten came back in the drop of a hat. Alice started going through things right away so we could get Maya to sleep. The night was already creeping in, and I didn't know 6

how long I was going to last at this rate. "This is your room," Alice beamed as she swung open a door. Although Alice had moved since our last place together, she set up everything in my room for me. My old clothes were in the drawers, my clock on the nightstand, pictures and posters on the walls. I was almost crying again, but instead elected to swallow it. I gave Alice a watery smile and hugged her tightly. "I love you, Alice. I'm sorry for leaving and everything. I've been a horrible friend," I finally apologized, los rasgones silenciosos falling, making my voice crack. "You are amazing. I'll never be able to repay you." "Sisters don't repay anything," she balled along with me, although hers more like sobs, while I choked mine. "Bella, we've been in this together forever, and it didn't end just because you were off saving the world." She hugged me tightly, and I clung to her as Maya did to me. Alice pulled away, a giant smile on her face. Maya put her hand on Alice's cheek, almost wiping the tears. "Hey, Maya Bug, want Aunt Alice to give you a bath while Momma gets dinner?" Alice cooed, holding her hands out to her. The word 'momma' scared the hell out of me. I didn't know what I was, and I didn't want to try to figure it out anymore. "I'm not sure Alice," I hesitated. Maya reached back out to her, even as I clung to her. "Bella, you have to put her down sometime. Nothing is going to happen to you here. You're safe now," Alice swore, never asking questions, never assuming, simply promising with all the conviction she could. I nodded, handing her over. My arms felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds each. "There should be pizza in the fridge from your party. We figured you'd be missing that," Alice chuckled, walking towards the bathroom with a bag in hand. "Why isn't Jasper here?" I called, finally realizing that there was a gaggle of people waiting to see me, to continue their lives, and I was messing things up already. "Doesn't he live here?" "He's at Rosalie and Emmett's for a few days, until you get adjusted," Alice answered over the sound of water. I started to devour part of the pizza, straight from the fridge. After I ate a piece, I grabbed another and walked towards the bathroom. Before I turned the corner, I knew Maya would have a smile on her face. She loved the water, so a bath would be a perfect way to acquaint her with modernity. "Maya Bug, you know that I think you're a pretty smart cookie," Alice whispered, splashing water with her. "Aunt Alice is going to help now." I nibbled my pizza and watched Maya, smiling at Alice, nodding her head and playing in the water. She had slept most of the trip, but I knew so much change was bound to wear her out soon enough. "And this hair, oh my goodness, it's gorgeous. I'm never going to let you cut it," Alice laughed, pouring water over her head as she tilted her head upwards. "You know, Jasper didn't have to go," I stated, still working on my newest slice of pizza. "I'm not a broken train wreck, I just need to adjust." "But I wanted time with my best friend," Alice answered, sporting only a small smile. "I'm not going anywhere, Alice," I shook my head, laughing slightly. "I know, I just missed you," she answered, turning her attention back to Maya. "And I know you don't want to talk about anything yet, but you're going to break soon enough, and it's not going to be pretty." I scoffed, earning a fierce glare from Alice. "I'm serious Bella." If she knew anything that had happened, that I'd seen, she'd have known that I was unbreakable anymore. I'd been broken too much to even be put back together. "Alright, My-Bug, let's go before you prune," Alice finally laughed, pulling the stopper and grabbing a big fluffy towel. Maya stood and let her pick her up as if she'd been getting baths all the time. "It's Momma's turn." I followed them into the bedroom, not ready to be away from Maya, who was smiling still. The times when she was happy had become precious and fleeting, and I wasn't going to miss it. 7

"You can't keep shortening her name into nonsense," I scolded Alice, all of a sudden regressing to our back-and-forth nature so easily. "Her name is Maya Rebeca Swan," I informed her. "She is named after the Mayan tribe, because we found her wondering, wounded, and Jake said she looked like the ghost of a warrior. And Rebeca, the beautiful, mute orphan from One Hundred Years of Solitude." "She is all of that, warrior, beautiful, an orphan and mute, but she's also a Maya-Bug," Alice giggled, placing her on the bed as she tickled her sides and made a face. I just rolled my eyes as Alice toweled her and slipped on pull-ups. Maya had been potty trained for a year now, but I figured it was better to be safe than sorry in a new place. She put baby lotion on her skin, most likely a first. I watched Alice's fingers trace the giant pale scar that snaked its way down Maya's arm. It healed considerably well, and her arm was fine, but every time I saw it, my heart sank. "We found her, with a gash on that arm, and her head. She sat the whole time they cleaned it, didn't flinch," I whispered. "Jake things it was a stray machete swipe, but we never found out for sure." Alice's eyes got big again, but she didn't say anything, just nodded. Maya sat up once Alice dressed her in some pajamas of a cartoon character she'd never heard of. I sat on the bed and she crawled into my lap quickly. "Can I have one of those brushes?" I asked Alice, burying my nose in Maya's clean scalp. I brushed her hair gently before braiding it for the night. "Do you think she'll eat pizza?" Alice asked apprehensively, noticing that I was stuck in 'mommode'. I just shrugged my shoulders. "I wasn't kidding about you showering, either," Alice warned me as she skipped out to the kitchen. Maya looked at me and crawled off of my lap for the first time today. I watched her search for something, her brow crinkling softly. "What do you need, Maya?" I asked. She held her hands out to me and squeezed her fists. "I don't know what that means, honey." She walked around the bed, checking both sides to no avail. I watched her grow frustrated, noting how much it distressed her not to be able to verbalize what she wanted. "Hey, Bella, do you want me to wash this?" Alice strutted in, holding the blue sweatshirt and a plate of cut up bites of pizza. Maya tottled over to her and grabbed at the sweatshirt. "No, I think its Maya's now," I smiled, watching her clutch it and pet it. Alice made a face, but didn't fight it. "Go shower please," Alice begged, sitting on the floor with Maya and the sweatshirt. "I'll feed and water the kid." I started to protest, but I watched Maya squat near the plate and look at the food curiously. Alice grabbed a piece and ate it. Soon after, Maya followed suit. I grabbed my sweats and headed down the hall, hearing Alice giggle in the bedroom. Slowly, I stripped the clothes from my body, feeling the dirt and grime that accumulated for a while now. Standing before the mirror, I realized I looked like shit. My eyes were held down by bags, attesting to the exhaustion, my hip bones had grown a little more prominent, my hair dull, gritty. I didn't recognize myself. I stepped into the warm spray of water, and felt each muscle relax. I tried to think about how I ended up here, having a stolen child, finally realizing that she was mine, forever. I wasn't sure I was ready. I wasn't even sure I was alright. But those thought flashed and disappeared under the hot water. I boiled my skin, scrubbed with the soap and washcloth multiple times, covering every inch of skin, until my skin was raw and red. I didn't feel clean enough though. I washed my hair three times, the fragrance of strawberries always a welcomed shock. After that, I stood there, naked and defeated in the water trying to move. It'd all be screwed up tomorrow still, I tricked myself. Tonight I needed to be reborn. I turned the water off and dried off, amazed at the soft texture. I dressed, brushed my hair and walked into the hall, new. "Maya and I decided we were going to have a slumber party," Alice smiled as I came back into my room to find them already in bed. Alice was on one side, with Maya in the middle, cuddling the 8

sweatshirt. "Maya helped you decide that?" I couldn't help but laugh at Alice. "Did she eat?" I asked, turning the small desk lamp on for light. "Yeah, almost two pieces," Alice informed me. I crawled into the bed and let out a content sigh. Maya curled into my side as I kissed her. "Beso, novio," I whispered. She smiled and kissed me gently. "Te amo." "I have to learn Spanish, pronto," Alice huffed. Maya touched her cheek once again before snuggling against me one last time. She melted at the gesture, and I was pretty sure that Maya already had a permanent fan. I started to hum gently for her until her breathing became regular. "Alice?" I whispered, pulling the sheet up around Maya. "Yeah?" she asked, her eyes opening. "Tell me I did it right, and I'm going to be alright," I asked quietly. Alice searched my face, her dark eyes studying me softly. "Bella, you did everything right. You made the right decisions and you did your best. You and Maya are going to be alright," she swore. I nodded. "Thanks," I muttered, watching the little girl sleep. "Are you ever going to talk about it?" Alice asked a few moments later. "I'm not sure," I answered honestly. "Just like I'm not sure I'm her mom, and I'm not sure I'm the same person that left." "You're not the same," Alice quickly spoke. "But that doesn't mean that who you've become isn't who you weren't meant to be. Everyday it'll get easier." I nodded again. I stopped fighting the exhaustion and let it take me away from everything.

Chapter 3
"Jesus Christ, I fucking hate sitting next to kids," I muttered to myself as I approached my seat on the flight. I didn't bother looking at the mother and daughter, instead just buckled and let my head rest against the seat, allowing the cool air from the air conditioning swirl around me. I had already had the week from hell, and I didn't need a kid screaming in my ear for the next nine hours. I hated kids. I hated flying. I hated cameras. I hated a lot of things, actually. The top of that list being: I hated being Edward Cullen. I sighed and hoped no one would notice me. I wasn't supposed to be leaving until a later flight, then heading straight into LA, but I decided to throw everyone off, hopefully, and leave earlier, and take a layover in Seattle. I'd finally finished filming the second installment in some series I was slated to be in until number five. The first movie, although small scale, had gone huge, due to a giant following from the book it was based off of, snagging millions, and unexpectedly, fame. I can honestly say I wasn't ready for this at all. I mostly took the job to pay my rent, as I was close to being evicted at that point. Now, that was laughable. I could buy the plane if I wanted. The plane took off, and much to my surprise, the kid didn't start to cry. I thanked my lucky stars and grabbed the newest script from the bag under my feet to start reading. Filming had just ended, and I was already set to be filming the third in a month. I'd been famous for almost two years, and it felt as if it'd been forever. I hated the attention, I hated it all. Hollywood ate up my scowls, my refusal to brush my hair or shave, my habit of smoking like a chimney. They deemed me a rebel, and it apparently made me hotter. So, I lived my life like I didn't give a fuck, and it worked for me. I was rude to everyone, didn't give a shit about feelings, fucked when I needed it, and bathed occasionally more than the tabloids gave me credit for, got drunk more freuqently and I couldn't have been more miserable. What had my life become since then? A running joke. I had no friends because I'd grown bitter, I had no life because I had no friends, and I had no fun because I had no life. I was living a nightmare. Normally, I would have thought having girls fling themselves at me would be a fucking dream. I could never have been farther from reality. I was the hottest young actor out there, and yet I still managed to get hit on by old women and tweens. Not that it even mattered. I couldn't exactly date anyone. No one stuck around when the cameras started to pop up everywhere. Friends split, or stuck around for the perks, so I just ignored everyone. I could walk into any bar and be mobbed. I could get anything I wanted, but there wasn't anything else. I was wanted, I was craved, I was rich, and I was hot, yet I'd never been more miserable. I tried to scan the pages in front of me, but gave up inevitably. Who was I kidding? I didn't give a fuck. This role was basic; look hot, be romantic. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing with my life as an actor. I wanted an Oscar, not a moon man. I finally set the pages down and let my head lull backwards. I'd spent the last few weeks in Mexico, filming a few of the last scenes, and the schedule had drained me. I felt awkward though, at the moment as if someone were watching me. I panned around the plane, noticing no one eyeing me. That was, until I turned to my left. Staring back at me were the darkest eyes I'd ever seen, big and completely innocent. I couldn't help but be a little startled. I thought at first they might be completely black, but after a moment, there was a slight difference, a dark brown band around the pupils. She has round cheeks, and a sweet, heartshaped face, and the button nose; the cutest little girl I'd ever seen. Her hair was black, and I assumed braided. She had one finger in her mouth and her other hand rooted firmly in her mother's chestnut 10

colored hair. "Hi," I whispered, waving slightly and giving her a smile. She waved the four fingers not in her mouth. I had no idea how old she was, probably two or three, but then again, I'd never really been around kids, so she might have been like five or something. But I couldn't believe that, she looked so young, so innocent, it was enchanting. Suddenly, she sighed and let her head rest against her mother's chest. Absently, the woman let her chin drop onto of the girl's head gently as she peered out the window. I let my eyes make their way across the mother now, and was pleasantly surprised. Besides looking exhausted, the woman, who seemed to be young also, was absolutely stunning. Her eyes were a lighter brown than the girls, although no less enchanting, and her skin an almost translucent ivory, sticking out against the child's. Despite the bags under her eyes, and the occasional time her eyes would close for a second too long, she looked alarmingly beautiful, and I had to turn my head quickly to avoid gawking. But, I felt the girl's eyes on me still, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her watching me. The mother felt her stir and began to run her hands along her hair, hoping to calm her. It was a perfect reaction, causing the girl to ease back down, though I watched her shiver slightly. "She's pretty," I stated, trying to catch the woman's attention. She jumped slightly, but continued to play with a stray whip of the girl's hair. "How old is she?" I pried. "She's three," she answered quickly, not turning to look at me. The girl looked small for a three year old. Her voice was tired, defeated almost, but at the same time, intriguing. She turned her head downwards to find her daughter staring back up at her, eyes wider than I'd seen them before. They seemed to grow, definitely the most defining characteristic. I watched another chill pull through the little girl, forcing her mother to move to close the tiny air vent before she sat back down and wrapped her arms around her once more. I inspected the woman, noting her dirty tank top and worn shorts and sneakers. I took an extra long time making the trip from the edge of her shorts to her ankles, enjoying the long track of leg. She was gorgeous, in a way I'd never even though of before. The little girl was dressed slightly better, although not by much. I wondered what they were doing here, what had happened. I watched her shiver one more time before I couldn't take it anymore, and I shimmied my sweatshirt off. "Here," I muttered, handing it to the woman. She looked at it for a second before taking it and wrapping it around the little girl. I watched as she started to hum gently while rubbing her back, inevitably putting the child to sleep. 'Thank you,' she mouthed once her daughter was asleep. I caught her eye for an instant before giving her a smile and a nod and picking up my script. I shouldn't be having inappropriate thoughts about a mother. That was sacrilegious. The weird thing was though, the woman didn't notice me. She didn't even give me a second look, but stayed stoic, her eyes not bulging as she realized who I was, or anything. It was humbling, and somewhat exhilarating. A few minutes later, as I counted the 'e's on the page, I noticed movement beside me. The woman picked a leather book from her bag, pages sticking out, random pieces of leaves and other wrappers and some photographs in it also, with the pages upon pages of small writing. I watched her click the pen and turn to the final page before writing one final sentence and closing it reverentially. My interest had never been more piqued. The rest of the flight, I tried not to sneak glances at the offensive book, tucked into the pocket of the seat in front of her. My mind fabricated all kinds of scenarios as to why they were in this situation, looking like they did, on this plane. The little girl, much to my surprised disappointment, slept the rest of the way, making conversation impossible. As soon as the plane landed, I got up to get my bag from the overhead, allowing the woman to slide out with her backpack. Before I could get a second glance, they were gone. I looked back at the 11

book, finding it still tucked into the seat. Before anyone could notice I slid it into my bag and walked off the plane, just like anyone else. I hadn't thought twice as I became a pickpocket. I had stolen something, even if she'd left it behind. I'd never done that before, nor had I ever really cared. I tried to find the woman, but I couldn't find her anywhere. So, before someone started screaming and ripping my clothes, I found a cab and went to my hotel. I stared at my bag the whole ride, feeling like a thief, a criminal. When I arrived, I instantly groaned at the hoard of photographers stationed outside. I wanted to throw my hood up, but remembered I had traded my sweatshirt for a journal. Shouldering my bag, I ducked my head and made my way through the crowd. In a haze, I signed papers and found my way to my suite. I didn't bother trying to leave because obviously my cover was blown, and everyone knew I was here. I picked up my phone quickly. "I'm in Seattle, and photographers already know," I stated before my manager could even greet me. "I'll send security over," James sighed. I hated him as a person, but as a manager, he did a great job. He was ruthless, and most days I didn't care. "There's less here than normal," I explained. "I think I'm just going to go over the my old apartment tomorrow and stay until we shoot next month." "Edward, you have shit to do here," he growled. "I have meetings and new scripts set up for you. You want to get out of this tween drama bullshit, well I got some real scripts. I can't get you what you want if you don't read them." "Just send them here," I answered. "I'd rather deal with seven photographers than seventy." "Fine," he hissed. "I'll call the security company up there. I heard Garret quit because his wife had a baby, so you'll probably get a new guy." "Whatever," I shrugged. I hung up before he could say anything else. I knew James would have everything set up by the time I was over at my apartment tomorrow. He had always thought it a poor investment, to buy an apartment in Seattle, but I knew, at least for the next five to seven years, I'd be up in Washington filming, and so far, it was a nice place to escape to. People noticed me, but the pictures they got were usually with cell phones, and hoards of people didn't surround my car as I tried to escape. It was almost as if I wasn't famous. I wanted one day of anonymity. The thought and desire didn't stay but one second in my mind as I paced back and forth in front of my bed, staring at the bag. A good hour of debating, and I finally decided it was for the best for me to at least check for an address so I could return it, maybe get my sweatshirt back. Although, I could easily buy another, I needed an excuse. I sat on the edge of my bed and unzipped my bag as if it were a bomb. Slowly, gently, I lifted the book, noticing how much heavier it seemed. The front was leather-bound, with a faded silver 'B' sewn into it. I traced the letter softly for unknown reasons. My fingers were tingling. I tried to reason that this could be a book for absolutely nothing, random writings and nothing of interest. But, my logic and hope told me that it was going to be good, and I had to read it. I flipped the cover open, coming face to face with a picture taped to the inside. Surrounded by about twenty smiling faces, the woman on the train grinned at the camera, hugging the few closest to her. She was glowing, alive ever. "My First Week" a note scrawled at the bottom of the cover read. I smiled with her for some weird reason. The next page was filled with writing, so I skimmed for names, coming up with Bella, Jacob, Alice, Charlie, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie. I assumed the notebooks was then Bella's, matching with the "B" on the front. I would read later, instead opting to look at the pictures and folded pages. The first few pages were nothing but small writing, going from end to end and filling all the space. A tiny gum wrapper was taped to one, with an arrow leading to the words, "From Antonio's secret stash." I kept going, tracing random pieces of grass and small leaves and even a pebble taped inside some of the pages, each with a 12

tiny note like the gum wrapper. The folded pages were lots of artwork, pictures drawn by children, and mostly in Spanish or bad English. A few more pictures fell here and there. One of Bella and a tall, tan man with long black hair. He hugged her tightly as she laughed until her eyes closed. Another was of her with more of the kids that were always present. A few newspaper clippings caught my eye, but they were in Spanish, so I was out of the loop on what those could be. A little over halfway through, the pages became less and less vibrant, lacking in gum wrappers or leaves or sticks, and instead filled with writing and frequently crossed out words, and what looked like water spots. A few pages later, a picture taped to an almost empty page made my heart stop. Sitting in Bella's lap, as she was on the plane, sat that little girl, only this time, her sleeve was rolled up, and a giant red gash ran across her shoulder and down her arm. The page read, "Maya Rebeca. Wondered to orphanage with wounds. Hasn't made a sound yet." I swallowed a lump awkwardly, staring at the picture. This wasn't her daughter. The child, Maya, wasn't her daughter, yet Bella had her for some reason. The writing grew harsher and less and less precise in the following pages, although it was occasionally accented by a note about Maya, like the picture of when she got her stitches out, or when they celebrated Bella's birthday and they both wore hats, deeming it a joint celebration. Yet, the pictures weren't the same as before. More of the smiles faded before the flash of the camera, and there was tenseness to them. I flipped to the last page, with one single sentence on it: I am unrecognizable. I read it a thousand times, trying to figure it out, yet each time I was less sure than the previous. This wasn't a happy story. This was the tale of a woman losing herself, or finding everything she never wanted to be. I pulled myself to the headboard of the bed and flipped back to the beginning. This was a story that needed to be read. Day 0I'm sitting on a plane. That's not the most eloquent way to start an autobiography, but I've been staring at this blank page, the first in a pile of many blank pages, and I guess I have to start somewhere. The man next to me smells like chickens, which worries me, since I'm leaving Seattle, and not anywhere near Guatemala yet. But, I guess everyone has to smell like something. I just hope I don't smell like a barnyard animal. Yet. Alice has spent every waking moment since graduation trying to convince me to stay in Seattle, her core argument: You won't get to shower everyday. I've always wanted to live a life where showering was overrated, so that didn't work too well. Especially after I reminded her that not only was I probably not going to shower often, but there'd probably not be any hot water or running toilets, and I loved peeing in the woods. Thank you, Charlie, for your ridiculous hunting trips to Washington's wilderness. I am worried about Alice though. I'm going to miss her, and I can only imagine how she'll do without me. It gives me a little ease to know that she'll have Jasper to keep her company, and Emmett and Rosalie are always around. At least now, it'll be the two couples, without the fifth wheel. It never bothered me, but now, I can't lie and say that I hadn't wanted to run away for a while now, to be alone, on my own. Thank God Jake accepted me to teach English. I just hope my Spanish isn't too rusty. Rose said I'd pick it up as soon as I heard everyone speaking it so often. I hope she's right. Everyone back home is worried that I'll get arrested for no reason and held in prison forever, or robbed or murdered just because I'm American. I'm not worried. I'm going to live in the jungle. I guess a jaguar is a more apt guess for how I'd die, but still ridiculous. I'm worried that after my two years are 13

up here, I still won't know anything else about myself. I'm running away to teach English, to help these kids grow up, to be a mentor and grow as a person, and what if I return to Seattle nothing more than myself? I don't know if I'm expecting that giant light bulb to appear at some point, but I like to think I'd be able to look at myself, two years from now, and go, "You, you are Bella," and actually know what that means. I hope the kids like me too. I can't wait to hang out with all of them, watch them grow. Jake says they all are excited to meet me, and I feel like I'm the same way; bursting with excitement like a kid on Christmas. I feel like how Alice must feel when there's a sale. Well, I'm in my room, finally. After I left Senor Pollo when we landed in Mexico City, I hoped on the smallest plane I'd ever imagined. It was like a hang-glider. That's an exaggeration, but still, I felt every breeze toss us around. The driver called me "La Gringa Bonita" and I couldn't help but blush. I know I did, and made an ass out of myself as I tripped when we finally landed in Guatemala. He laughed, but helped me up. And by 'helped me up' I mean he put one hand on my ass and the other on my elbow. Yes, I've been in Guatemala five minutes, and already got felt up. Charlie would have been proud to know that I reached for my mace instantly, but Jake appeared at that minute, scowling at the pilot. Jacob Black is a character. He has a laugh like a wolf's howl, but it's infectious. He reminds me so much of Emmett, from sheer size alone. He towers over me easily, and the kids, who I'd thought might be apprehensive around him, actually see how many can pile on him at random times. He looks like a Kid Monster, with kids grabbing his arms, hands, neck, head, and legs. He's incredibly sweet and protective. I can tell I'll enjoy working with him. His wife, Leah, is a nurse here. She's beautiful. I didn't get to talk to her much, but she was sweet from my first impression. It was nice, to see them together. Jake dotes on her like she's the sun in the sky. The kids are terrific. My class sang me a song and presented me with a piece of homemade cake at dinner. I can't wait to get to know them all. The orphanage itself is nice, although it really doesn't have any modern conveniences. I'm using a battery-operated lantern to write by now. Earlier I actually peed in the woods, and I didn't bathe, just got a washcloth and washed the "important spots" as Jake likes to call them. My room is small, but nice. I don't need a lot of room, considering I'm here to be with the kids, not hole up alone. The night is loud here. Not Seattle loud, but naturally loud. The bugs are creaking and croaking, plants are moved by wind, and I can hear el Rio Dulce flowing in the background. In Seattle, I'm used to horns, traffic, people. Here, it's inhuman, and truly divine. From my window, when I kill my light, I can see every star that ever was. It puts the Forks woods to shame. Alice told me, that before I got too far into the story, I should write a last will and testament, in case I didn't make it back. I told her I was going to be fine, and she told me that it would at least remind everyone whom I loved that I was thinking about them. So, if I'm dead, everyone know, that this was Alice's idea. I find it dumb, since I'll be fine. But, at least I can have some fun with it, and tell her I actually did it. Please Mail this to: Apt. 131, 873 Call St. Seattle, WA. I, Bella Swan, hereby bequeath my earthly savings of exactly $601.37 to San Simon Orphanage in Rio Dulce, Guatemala. Buy some cake for the kids. A really big one. Alice, you're my best friends and my sister. I love you. Please, make sure Emmett doesn't embarrass me at the eulogy. Also, you can have my pearl necklace. But I want you to know that I was the one who shrunk your favorite sweater. Remember, I love you though. Emmett, don't embarrass me too much. You're my big brother, and I love you for protecting me and teaching me to drive a stick. Jasper cheats at cards, every time. I was the one who hit your truck with a 14

golf ball. In all fairness, Jasper got me drunk, and told me to do it. If it helps, at least I had perfect form and it was a clean drive, just like you taught me, Brother Bear. Keep that heart big, and I love you. I leave you my truck. Please blow it up. Jasper, I did just squeal on you. Thank you for putting up with me in high school. I know I was a completely geek and ruined your image, but it meant the world to me that you let me hang out with you. You're an amazing friend. Emmett likes to lick your soda cans when you're not looking, then giggle because it's like you've made out with him. I love you, Jazzy. I leave you my collection of Kurt Vonnegut books. Please yield them wisely. (Plus, there's a twenty stashed in "Dead Eye Dick") Rosalie, I could never forget about you. Thank you for making me come out of my shell. You're an amazing person to put up with Emmett; I commend you. Keep them all in line for me, alright? You're the best of us, remember that. I love you, Rose. You can have my ipod. Every time Petty comes on, rock out extra hard for me. That's my last will and testament. I hope to God when I'm done with this, I can laugh at that. It feels morbid. I'm turning in now that I've completely gone crazy. Hopefully tomorrow will bring about a new, improved Bella. Hopefully tomorrow, I can make someone smile. I stopped after the first entry, looking at the picture on the cover, the smiling faces. I remembered Bella's face on the plane, the tired, worn, defeated woman. I wasn't sure I wanted to see how she turned into something unrecognizable. That didn't stop me from turning the page and reading the next entryor the nextor the next.

15

Chapter 4
I slept like I hadn't in what felt like a lifetime. There weren't dreams, there weren't images, there weren't fears or doubts or pasts; there was blackness. There was a complete rebirth in the sleep, a movement away from the self, then back again. It was healing. When I woke up, I had no idea where I was for a few minutes. I felt the soft sheets, the pillow top, the quilted comforter and vastness of the bed, and it was all wrong. I was used to a twin-sized cot, with usually no sheets, just humidity. Now, I was cuddled into these pillows, and for some reason a sweater that smelled absolutely delicious. Shit. As soon as I realized what was pressed to my face, I shot up in bed, realizing the sun was sitting at an awkward position outside, making the glow of the room more golden than bright. It was disorienting even more than the fact that I had no idea where I was. "Maya?" I yelled, flipping the sheets away from the bed, as if she'd be under them. I pushed my unruly hair out of my face as I looked under the bed, in the closet, in every nook and cranny. "Maya?" I yelled again, expecting an answer as I threw the door open and wondered down the hall. I ran down the hall towards the kitchen, hearing music playing from somewhere. Standing in the living room, swaying gently to the music and clapping while Alice danced around and hopped like a madwoman, stood Maya. Her hair was braided, her clothes changed; she was content. I ran to her, scooping her up and hugging her tighter than I knew I should have. I finally felt the tears on my cheeks in the chill of the apartment, but I didn't stop them this time. Instead, I sat on my knees, pressing Maya's body to mine, rocking her back and forth. "Maya," I whispered. "Yo pens que la perd. Yo pense que la perdi." I chanted it many times before letting her wiggle a little out of my grasp. I ran my hands along her cheeks, her hair, her arms, check each limb, convincing myself she wasn't a mirage. "Yo pense que la perdi," I whispered. Maya didn't move from my arms, just stared at me for a second, taking in everything I said. Slowly, she moved her arms around my neck and held on tightly. I kept crying. She pulled away and placed her whole hand on my cheek, over the tears. "No," she whispered. "No, mama, no." Her voice was out of this world; little chimes in the wind, girly and cute, perfect. "No?" I questioned her, hoping I hadn't imagined it. "No what?" "No, Mama," she said forcefully, her head leaning towards mine until her nose was touching my own. Her hands were both firmly planted on my cheeks, but that did nothing to stop the tears. "Usted habl?" I asked. "She spoke. Alice, did you hear that?" I beamed, turning to my slightly ashamed friend. She nodded eagerly. "I love you, Maya. I'm so sorry. Happy tears," I assured her. She pulled back, resuming her normal face, although with a tiny grin there. I stayed kneeling, shaking my head at what I had just gone through, what horrible visions had just crossed my mind. I stood, my glare firmly planted on Alice. She seemed to shrink beneath me, but I didn't care. "Do you even know what you just did to me?" I screeched, shaking my head, nostrils flaring. "Do you know what I just went through, waking up without knowing where she was?" "I wanted to let you sleep. I didn't think you'd mind," Alice whispered. "We were both awake, so I 16

made breakfast, we got dressed, she watched me sketch a few things, then we decided to dance. Nothing happened, Bella. She was safe the whole time." "Alice, when I woke up without her, do you even know what that did to me?" I ignored her answer. "Do you know how many mothers I watched wake up without their children? Do you know how many were taken, as punishment?" The tears were falling down Alice's face now, but she didn't move or cower. Just took my yelling. "That's the reality of what I lived with, for the past year, since you want to know so much; parents murdered in front of children, children murdered in front of parents. You don't get to tell me that she was safe," I sneered, pointing to Maya. "You didn't watch what I did. When you watch a child, shot execution style in front of their mother, see when children wonder the streets crying for parents that won't come back, then you can understand what just ran through my mind." I seethed in my anger and bitterness for a moment. "You didn't watch them stitch her arm back together," I shook my head in disgust. "You didn't hold her while they checked her for signs of sexual abuse; because that's what happens, Alice. That is everyday life there since this fucking revolution." I straightened my back, wiping my tears finally. I let my lungs work automatically, filtering in air that I'd been denying myself. There was no noise except our breathing, mine strong, deep gulps; Alice's shallow sobs, both to regain control. Maya tugged my hand gently after a few minutes before she wrapped her arms around my leg. I pushed some hair from her face and smiled at her. She buried her head in the side of my thigh and shook her head. "Bella, I'm so sorry," Alice whispered, finally looking back up at me, eyes glassy and swollen. "You never told me, I had no idea." "There are a lot of things I don't want to tell you, Alice, because like everything I just said, they'll kill you," I sighed, picking Maya up and balancing her on my hip. Her hands went to my hair. "They've already killed me. I know she was safe, but I was so worried. I thought I lost her." "That's what you were chanting, wasn't it?" Alice asked. I just nodded. "The world that we're used to doesn't play by the same rules yours does anymore," I explained, my voice getting softer. "I know nothing can happen to her here, with you, but it was that split second of fear, that showed me how deep that's ingrained. I'm sorry, Alice." "No, I'd rather you explain than just bottle it up," she gave me a weak smile. "I can only imagine what you've seen, and maybe I don't want to ever know, but I do understand what you feel for her, Momma." I blushed at that word. "Please, just don't make me go through that again," I asked seriously. "It was like a panic attack, heart attack, stroke, and seizure all rolled into one painfully slow experience." "I know, Bella, it's fine. I'll make sure to let you know next time," she promised, taking a step towards us. "I'm sorry I yelled," I swallowed my pride. Seeing Alice hurting, under my words, made me sick. "Yelling isn't going to scare me off," she smiled a little bigger, hugging me tightly. "I've done some research you know, about returning soldiers and stuff. You're going to flip out, it's alright." I just nodded, enjoying her hug. Just like that, my hours of sleep, of blackness and rebirth had disappeared. I slumped onto the couch, completely exhausted. Yet, the memory of Maya's words brought a smile to my face. "You spoke, novia," I kissed her, earning a giggle. "Can you say it again? Mama?" I begged, watching her watching me. She just smiled and went back to trying to get off of my lap. I watched her start to play with some of Alice's things, and shook my head at how absurd I had been. "She will again," Alice supplied support. "Are you, legally I mean, her mother?" "I signed her fake birth certificate," I looked away from Alice in shame. I hated that things were 17

done so underhandedly, that maybe my hold on Maya could eventually slip. "Jacob lied, and signed it as the father." Alice just nodded in understanding. I doubt she understood at all, but I pretended not to notice. "I'll look up some stuff, to see if we can get her a social security number and stuff," Alice offered. I hadn't even though about it. "I mean, I've had her for one day and I can't imagine not having her around already." I laughed with Alice, knowing it was true. "Did she use the bathroom?" I asked, suddenly remembering responsibilities. Alice just nodded with a smile. "Ate well?" Again, she nodded. "We had fruit and oatmeal for breakfast. She really loves fruit, like every kind I had, she loved." "Yeah, those were treats, back home," I mused. The phone rang, and Alice went to answer in the kitchen. "Hey, Maya, I have to go get dressed, want to take a nap?" I asked. When I stood, she followed down the hallway, her tiny hand grabbing my pinky. As soon as we were in the room, I picked her up and blew raspberries on her cheeks, earning a soft giggle. "Nap?" I asked. She crawled across the big bed, grabbed her sweatshirt, and lay down with it, finger firmly in place. I got dressed, throwing on an old pair of jeans and t-shirt before pulling my hair up. Maya's eyes never left me. "Beso," I stated, moving towards her. She smiled and kissed me quickly. "I'll be out there, ok?" she nodded. "I love you." I let the door click shut gently before sneaking to the bathroom to brush my teeth, a truly refreshing experience. When I walked down the hall, I found Alice on her computer, staring at it awkwardly. "Who called?" I asked, flopping on the couch beside her. "Jasper," she muttered. "Wanted to know when everyone could come over. Apparently Esme, Carlisle, and Charlie are quite excited to be grandparents." I cringed. I wasn't sure Maya was ready for all of that craziness that was our family. Carlisle and Esme, Emmett and Alice's parents, had pretty much raised me as well. Charlie was a great father, though not around much because of his job as police chief, so Esme became my mother, and Carlisle a great second father. I'd known them since I was four, when I met Alice in pre-K and Charlie and Esme decided it would be nice for us to have playdates. Ever since then, I'd been inseparable from the Branden's. "So you told them next week?" I asked hopefully. "Eight," she shook her head, still staring at the screen. I groaned and flopped on the couch. "What are you even doing?" I asked, watching her out of the corners of my eye. "Learning Spanish," she muttered, hushing me slightly. Our fight was forgotten. "Maya knows English," I explained, trying not to laugh. "It's so I know what you're saying, you idiot," Alice informed me, shaking her head. "You can't just rant in Spanish whenever you feel like it. Plus, I want to help Maya talk, and she is comfortable with Spanish." "You only need to know a few phrases," I explained, shutting her laptop. "Beso, means kiss," I waited while Alice repeated. "Te amo, means 'I love you'," again she repeated. "That's all I really say to her." "No, you're always off whispering something," Alice huffed. "Alice, I've been home less than a day, I don't have a conspiracy to talk about you in Spanish to a toddler," I laughed. We sat on the couch, heads leaning on each other's shoulders for a couple minutes. "It's sort of weird," Alice began, as I got used to the hum of the apartment, as opposed to the chatter of the jungle. "You, being a mom. It fits. She really does need you." 18

"I know I'm different," I sighed. "I'm adjusting." "No, it's not a bad thing," Alice informed me. "You're still Bella, just, different." "Is everyone going to hate me?" I asked nervously, finally voicing my concerns. I hadn't seen my friends in over two years, a lot could change. "No," Alice promised. She'd been doing a lot of it lately, and I suddenly understood why she told Jasper to stay at Emmett's. "They love you, no matter what." Again, we sat in silence. I was glad that Alice had grown to appreciate it. Before, she would get so anxious during it, but now, she wielded them. "Did you really watch that stuff?" Alice finally whispered. "Yes," I answered, ashamed. "And more." "Why didn't you come home?" "I couldn't leave them. If they hadn't forced me out, I'd still be there. Those kids needed a voice, and no one was talking," I answered, the memories seeping back. "They kicked you out?" Alice asked, worry lacing her tone. "When I called you there was a gun to my back," I whispered, this time my voice fading. "The mayor of our province, really just a glorified bastard, came to the orphanage, told me I had to choose, leave, or pick a ditch. I picked a ditch, telling him he didn't scare me, and he would never hurt the kids, ever again. Jacob held me back, his hand over my mouth, told him I'd be gone in a week. I was a threat. As an American, if I got killed, investigations would go down, involvement into their supposed democratic government. I'm not politically savvy, but there was no government; there was murder and chaos." "You would have done that to me?" Alice pulled away from me, her tone a little agitated. "You would have gotten yourself killed for your principles?" "My principle is sleeping in that bedroom," I informed her. "And yes, if my death got people involved, than I would have to save her, a hundred times over." Alice was quiet again. "Things are going to be fine," Alice, promised again, rubbing my arms. We sat and talked a little more, about things I'd missed, things I never would have considered like sports, movies, television, life. Everything had changed, and it was my turn to play catch up. We talked about everything I had to do to get set back up in Seattle. Alice told me I wasn't allowed to move out, but I just laughed and explained that I had to get Maya a stable house. We were going to do everything right from now on, and I wasn't about to let her miss out on anything that a kid should get. "What do you think we should have for dinner?" Alice asked as the clock moved towards eight. "Your pick." "Really shitty Chinese food," I answered with a smile. Alice slid off the couch to order while I padded back to my bedroom. Maya sat there, folding the sweatshirt, the tangling it in different ways. I smiled as she did the same when she saw me. "You could have come outside," I told her, hopping in bed with her. She laughed as she wiggled from my jumping. "Tonight, we're going to meet my family, and they are going to love you a lot, ok?" I asked, staring at the ceiling. I heard the knock on the door, and realized our planning time was up way too soon. "I know things are crazy right now, but we're going to do this, ok? Just you and me. We can do this." "Mama?" Maya asked, holding up her sweatshirt as I slipped out of the bed. "You want to wear it?" I asked. She nodded. I smiled and put it over her head before pulling her arms out. It was way too big on her, so I tied it around back with a rubber band, and doubled up the sleeves. It was like a dress on her, but she didn't seem to mind too much. She looked ridiculous, but smiled as if it were perfect. "You look cute, novia," I smiled, holding my arms out. She took a running jump and landed on my waist. 19

We walked out together, as it would be forever, I hoped. The living room was filled with people, who just like Alice, all resembled people who I once knew, who had since become a fairytale. Seven sets of eyes turned to us immediately. "Holy shit," Emmett muttered. I smiled, remembering why I loved him. Charlie was the first to approach me, almost as if I were a wild animal. He looked the same, though more salt was in his hair, and his beer belly had an extra can or two. He was still my Charlie. "I'm so glad you're home," he muttered, grabbing me tightly. I inhaled the pine and leather scent that had long since been missing in my life. "I love you, Bella." "I love you too, Dad," I whispered, not trusting my voice. He pulled back slightly, looking at Maya. "Um, I guess everyone should be introduced to my daughter, Maya Swan." Charlie smiled as I said our last name. "She's shy, and very quiet," I warned. "But she does know English and Spanish." "She's cute," Esme smiled at me. "We're glad to have both of you back." She hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek and tearing slightly. "Hello," she said to Maya, who just buried her head in my neck. I gave Esme a weak smile, she shrugged in return and smiled. "Charlie and I were ready to come down there ourselves," Carlisle stepped up next, kissing my forehead. "We've all been worried sick, but at the same time, so proud of you." "I've missed you all," I sighed, hoping not to cry again. It was starting to wear me out. Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie all stared at me, as if trying to figure something out. It hurt. I made myself busy with Maya instead, as Alice approached. "Beso?" she asked, staring at Maya. Just as Alice leaned in, Maya kissed her cheek and smiled. "Beso?" I asked right after, earning a kiss and a hug. "Beso, beso, beso, beso," I stated, kissing her back and making noises as she pushed my face away and giggled. Everyone laughed, and I felt a little more at ease. It was as if I were a stranger all over again, foreign to everyone just as they were to me. "Holy shit," Emmett shook his head, his eyes still bugging slightly. "I mean, I can't believe you're back," he clarified, the first to take a step towards me. "I can't believe it almost." "I'm back, Em," I laughed. I had forgotten how big he was as he got closer. Maya eyed him apprehensively and wiggled from my arm so she was standing, gripping my leg. She stared up at Emmett, her eyes the same nondescript emotion. "And you have a kid," he whistled, still not touching me or looking less shocked. "Who the hell knocked you up?" I couldn't rein in the snort and laugh that erupted. "She's not mine, biologically," I clarified. "She's adopted, more or less." "Holy shit," he muttered again. Emmett had always been a boy, stuck in a man's body, but now, it felt as if he'd balanced out. Before me stood a strong, masculine man, who had always been the most compassionate person I'd ever met, and those characteristics still resided there. "I like your sweatshirt," he pointed to Maya, kneeling to her level. "Not many people would admit to being Dodger's fans. I respect that." Everyone laughed again, but Emmett was being serious, and I knew it. "No?" Maya asked quietly, staring at him intently. Half of her body was hidden behind my own, only peaking out slightly. "No," he agreed with a smile, those boyish dimples that declared him still a boy appearing. "Beso? Por favor?" he pouted, leaning in slightly and displaying his cheek. Maya looked to me then back at the giant man in front of her. She grabbed his chin and kissed his noise quickly with a wider smile. Emmett blushed as he straightened. "She's an okay kid," he approved before giving me a fierce hug. I melted against his body. Emmett had always been my protector, and he hated that I left because it meant he couldn't anymore. "I wouldn't insult her sweatshirt though," I warned him. "That's her security blanket right now." 20

"We'll find her a Marlin's one, then we'll be square," he smiled, pinching her nose. As he turned back to everyone, I realized how intently they'd been watching him. "What? I'm good with kids," he simply stated. "Jesus Christ, it's like you guys think I'm an idiot." Jasper came up next, giving me a side hug, avoiding Maya at all costs. Rosalie was the only one who shied herself away. Luckily, the Chinese arrived, saving embarrassment or awkwardness, and instead just leaving hurt behind. Alice shrugged her shoulders as she set the table. I let Maya stay in my lap, in case she didn't like any of the food or she got shy again. Soon, the table filled with chatter about everything and anything, and it felt good, to be involved again. Esme told me about a job that had opened up at her firm, a secretary job that she would gladly hire me for. I felt guilty, taking her pity job, but so far, it was my only real lead. I could handle working for Esme in her interior design firm. She was practically my mother, and the sweetest person I'd ever met. Carlisle asked me about Guatemala, and not the good kind either. He had watched the news, the bits and pieces that actually reached the news networks, and was worried. There hadn't been much news coverage in the worst parts of the revolution because it was out in the villages. A few nights of looting and fires in a big city, and that made news, but once that was over, everyone assumed everything was fine; it wasn't. I told him as much as I could, but kept quiet mostly, claiming I didn't really get involved with politics. It was the truth; I despised both groups. Jasper started talking finally, probably at the ushering of Alice. He told me about his job, a History professor at UW, and I was really happy for him. He saw my hesitance to talk about home, and I was grateful he still knew how to divert a conversation. Charlie filled me in on Forks, and a lot of faceless names that I should have known or cared about, so I feigned attention and just nodded and pretended to be interested. Rose still didn't speak, just kept watching me and Maya. "You're driving me crazy with the staring," I finally conceded as I let Maya feed herself sesame chicken. "Sorry," Charlie muttered. "I just, didn't know you'd be such a good mom, or that you'd even be a mom." I hadn't realized he'd been watching me, instead completely blinded by Rosalie's awkwardness. "Things came up," I trailed off. Alice smiled at me supportively. I wasn't going to rehash it. They didn't need to pity us. "Do you think I can teach her baseball?" Emmett suddenly asked, his voice growing excited. "Maybe one day, Em," I agreed. "If she wants." "Of course she wants to learn baseball," he scoffed, scarfing another plateful of food. "See, Maya, don't eat like Uncle Emmett," I pointed. "Yucky." "Mama?" she turned to me. Again, everyone's eyes flashed to us. I was beginning to hate that. I never liked being center of attention, and yet that's all I seemed to be lately. "Novia?" I asked back. Ignoring their glances. "Als?" she asked, looking at Alice. "Yes?" Alice played along, grinning ear to ear at Maya using her name. It wasn't exactly 'Aunt Alice', but it was damn close. "Em," she turned to Emmett, who sported a big smiled. "Very good," I smiled, clapping my hands together. "Te amo, novia." "Oh yeah, I'm her favorite," Emmett boasted. "Did you hear that? She loves me." Esme looked as if she might cry, and Alice was bouncing in her seat. "No," Maya laughed. "Mama." "You love me?" I asked. She nodded before sliding off of my lap and walking away. I let her go and started to eat while everyone watched her, clad in the giant sweatshirt, meandering down the hall. "Don't you know where she's going?" Esme asked. "Nope," I lied, knowing she was going to the bathroom. 21

"I think it's time you answered some questions, Bella," Rosalie started finally. "I'm an open book," I retorted. "If you can handle the answers, ask the questions." Everyone was silent again, debating with themselves what to ask. "Is she yours?" Charlie asked. "Legally and everything?" "I signed her birth certificate, and Jacob Black, my boss, signed as her father. It's legal enough," I answered, patting his hand. He looked somewhat relieved at my answer. "How old is she, Bella?" Carlisle asked, teepeeing his fingers in front of his face as he slipped into doctor mode. "We estimate between two and three, but we're not sure," I sighed, putting my fork down. "She doesn't talk much, in fact, not at all before today, if that's what you're getting at. But, she's incredibly smart, intuitive. She knows what you're saying to her." Almost to accentuate my point, the toilet flushed and the sink water started to run. "Yes, she's potty trained." "You should bring her in, so I can check on everything with some good equipment," Carlisle suggested. I nodded eagerly. I'd do anything to make sure Maya was healthy. "Why her?" Rosalie whispered, not looking at me. "I mean, if you were surrounded by kids, how did you choose to save one?" Maya padded into the kitchen at that moment, and climbed back into my lap. She looked at me, those giant black saucers, knowing and nave all at the same time. She had slipped back into calm mode, and I respected it. She wasn't a performing monkey, to speak or do tricks for the people in front of us. She spoke, and her voice was cuter and fit her perfectly; quiet, meek, yet assertive. "One night, I was went to get water, from the pump. The sirens were going; a nearby village was being attacked. Out of the forest, trudged my little novia here. She had a gash on her forehead-" "And a giant cut on her arm and shoulder," Alice interjected for me. I nodded. I hated the story, of thinking back to that night. "We didn't have the best medical supplies, but Leah stitched her up, without any pain pills or numbing. I sat there, holding her as she played with my hair and stared at me, tears running down her cheeks, but never crying out," I cleared my throat as Maya put her hand on my cheek again; a preventative measure. "I didn't choose her, Rose. She chose me. And if I could, I'd be there still, because I loved each one of those kids. You're right. I have to live with their faces, wondering if they're alive right now, because I couldn't save them all." "Why didn't you tell us things were bad down there, Bells?" Emmett asked, his eyes narrowed and angry. "We stopped getting letters, and the ones we got were short and didn't say anything about these sirens or attacks." "So you could have come to rescue me?" I asked, scoffing accidently. "I made my choices. You all have no idea what happened, what is happening, so I'd refrain from judgment." "You could have gotten hurt," Jasper spoke up, with force. Alice touched his forearm to pull him back. He wasn't one to get upset, but the pain contorted on his face was outlined in anger. "I could have," I agreed simply. "I went down there to help kids, and that's what I did, day in and day out." "I'm just glad you're back, healthy and happy," Esme interrupted the morbid train of events. I knew that things were different now. They wouldn't understand, and I didn't have the energy to tell him, to handle their pity. "I thought about you all, every day," I confessed. "I know I'm just getting used to being back, but it's going to take time. The facts are, Maya is mine now, and I'm not the same girl that left you. You can love me now, or not. I understand either way." Maya yawned slightly as she leaned against my chest. "I better get her to bed. I'll see you all soon," I sighed before standing. 22

"Night Bells," Charlie muttered, hugging me again. "I think I have some of your old toys up at the house. I'll bring them by for Maya sometime this week." "That'd be great, Dad," I smiled. He looked at Maya before sitting back down, debating to talk to her or even venture to touch her. Em gave me a wink. "I'll stop by to take you girls shopping this week," Esme informed us. "I've always wanted to spoil a baby!" "And I'll call you to set up an appointment," Carlisle reminded me. I just nodded towards them both. "I have classes, in the mornings, but if you need me in the afternoons, just let me know," Jasper offered, his face sullen again. I nodded and smiled. I wouldn't take him up on it if I could help it. I wasn't ready to let her out of my sight. Alice gave me a smile, and I didn't bother looking at Rosalie before turning and walking out of the kitchen. I paused outside, listening to the whispers start, harsh and strained. I didn't listen, just continued walking. I walked into the bathroom and started to run a bath while Maya peered over the edge of the tub, watching it fill up. I squeezed a little bubble bath for her, hoping a nice surprise world make her smile or talk more. I pulled her sweatshirt off and removed the rubber bands so she could sleep with it later, followed by her clothes and plopped her in the tub. She stared at the bubbles with wonder, touching them, tasting them once, before spitting them quickly. "They all loved you," I assured her as I washed her quickly, hoping to get her into bed soon and on some sort of schedule. "So I was thinking of maybe getting us our own place, as soon as I can afford it. What do you think?" "Yes," she whispered, still distracted by the bubbles. "And I'm going to get a job, and we'll go to the doctor's, and we'll go to the park," I mused, washing her hair gently. "We'll get you talking, and some new clothes." "Als," she reiterated. I just laughed as I sat back on the toilet and let her play for a little while. I unplugged the water and wrapped her in a towel again before making my way back to our bedroom. She smelled like strawberries, and it still made me feel warm. A knock on the door stopped my towel tickle attack, leaving her giggling and breathing heavily. "Yeah?" I asked, assuming Alice was coming in to say goodnight, and that everyone had left. I knew Charlie, Esme, and Carlisle had to be up early for work, and Charlie had a two-hour drive ahead of him. "Hey," Rosalie's soft voice sang through the air solemnly as she peaked inside. "Oh, I thought you were Alice," I whispered, pulling big girl underwear out for Maya. She stood on the bed as I grabbed some pj's for her. "I wanted to talk to you, before Em and I left," she stated, her head still ducked, not watching me, instead looking at Maya, seeing the scar. "Wow," she muttered. "I, uh, I didn't realize," she trailed off. "Didn't realize that what I said was true?" I scoffed as Maya put her hands on my shoulders and stepped into her pants. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't stare at my daughter like a circus sideshow freak." Rosalie snapped her saucer-wide eyes to me quickly. "I'm sorry," she apologized. I slipped Maya's arms through her shirt and grabbed a brush as she resumed her spot on my lap. "What do you want, Rose?" I asked, shaking my head, exhausted. "I can't stand thinking you hate me, and if you do, then just leave." "I don't hate you, Bella, I never could," she answered quickly. "You're just, different. Everyone can see it, and I guess they know how to accept it, but I'm adjusting too, you know?" "I get it," I nodded, brushing Maya's hair. "I set out to figure out who I was, and I might not know yet, but I know I've changed." 23

"I'm here for you, Bella," she smiled, her features softening. She'd always been beautiful to me, and she'd grown even moreso since I'd last seen her. "And Maya." "Thank you," I returned her smile. "She's a good kid, Rose. She's a survivor, and right now, as much as it pains me, we both need all the help we can get. I never counted on coming home with a kid." "We'll figure it out," Rosalie promised. I was hearing those words so much, they were becoming meaningless. "I missed you." "I missed you too," I sighed as she hugged me. She smelled familiar, like flowers and honey, warm and soft. Maya hugged her with me, her tiny head resting on Rose's shoulders. "It was nice to see Emmett interact with her," Rosalie mused, trailing her hand along Maya's cheek. "I thought he'd scare her." "I did too," I laughed. "But I guess nothing scares her anymore." "Em got a new job today, security for some guy here in Seattle, and tomorrow's my day off," Rose offered, standing and walking towards the door. "How about I stop by, and I'll take you both over to see Carlisle?" "That's be great," I smiled. "Alright, I'll see you around ten," she threw over her shoulder as she walked to the hall, shutting the door. Maya crawled off of my lap, grabbing her sweatshirt, and snuggling into the middle of the bed. "Mama?" she asked, lying there peacefully. I pulled on sweats and a shirt, forewent a bath, and climbed in beside her. "Als?" she asked, looking around, somewhat lost. "Just us tonight," I answered, leaving the small desk lamp on in the corner. I couldn't decide if Maya would be alright with the darkness, or if I would either. "Beso?" I asked, to which she rolled over and gave me a weak kiss. "Te amo," I whispered, pulling the sheet up around her. "Te amo," she answered, cuddling the sweatshirt. I smiled, running through the events of the day as she drifted off to sleep. I couldn't shake the first glimpses of my family, as they stared at me as if I were inhuman, a monster with two heads or something. Charlie had never been a man of many words, or actually of any emotions, but tonight, he was brimming with smiles, constantly hugging me and saying he loved me. It was a nice change. I let the growth everyone had went through filter through my mind, the smiles they all at one point sported at dinner. It was a content way to fall asleep. Until the sirens started.

24

Chapter 5
I didn't sleep at all that night. I flipped pages. I read day after day of perfection, of contentment, of beautiful similes and metaphors and ideas and optimism. As my neck grew stiff, my eyes tired, and the sky grey in morning mist, I read the pages, sometimes twice, sometimes skimming. I learned about each child, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite stories, and Bella's favorite things to do. She often spoke of Seattle, of her friends there and the things they'd like about Guatemala, or in Alice's case, the things she'd hate. I read as if I were addicted. I couldn't help myself. The days were filled with fun, the children learning and with funny things to say and show Bella. Every now and then, a stray sentence about some distant political battle was thrown in, but it was vague, barely mentioned, and never heeded as something important. Until the sirens started. Day 104Today the sirens started to blare. The birds went quiet, the trees stopped blowing, and the earth was calm. The children started to cry, but we calmed them somewhat. Jacob said they were signaling a fire, and I believed him. They weren't just signaling a fire though. Today, guns fired a few villages over. It was a warning. Church bells are tolling now for those caught in the crossfire. The invisible menace of revolution is closing in, and I fear it's only a matter of time before it's knocking on our door. Antonio is dead. They found his tiny body on the road back to his village; one bullet. I watched them carry him back to the church, covered in a white blanket with a giant splotch of blood on it, like a martyr. His favorite thing in the world was to chew gum and blow bubbles. Today he told me he was going to invent a flavor for me. I realized how quickly everything had shifted in her orphanage then. One day, it was a distant murmur, and then her student was dead. That's when everything shifted for Bella. I noticed her hope fade, and her faith become non-existent. The days that followed were filled with morning, tears and loss as Bella came face to face with death for the first time up close and personal. She struggled, but tried to take solace in the fact that there were no more sirens, for a few days at least, and so far, soldiers were hidden, not attacking, and quiet. I was shocked at the whole situation. It did nothing to stop me from reading though, as the mist burned outside and the day started. Day 159Jake and I went into town today, to get the mail and some supplies. Guards were along the roadside, faces smeared with dirt, clothes torn, guns in hand. One of them might have killed Antonio, one of them might have attacked a few of the families, one of them might kill me. We went into the store, Jake's grip on my wrist when he saw how full it was of men in camouflage. A shriek to my right made my head snap. I saw a teenage girl, hands tied, dress gone. The door shut as a camouflaged man smirked. I felt the bile raise through my throat. Jake gripped me tighter; I have bruises now. As we walked outside, we heard a gunshot. One single noise and the world was quiet. I carried the quiet with me. "Where did she go, Jacob?" I finally asked, as I cried in the car. I am weak. I should have done 25

something, said something. "Where the Good things go, when they are set free," he muttered, hands on the wheel, ready to rip it off. I didn't ask where that was. I should leave. This isn't a place for me. I see evil at every corner, I see men with no God, with no humanity. Things are changing, and I might not be able to take it. The only thing keeping me here is the kids. I can't leave Jake to take care of them, now that our volunteers have disappeared, afraid to walk the streets. We were never meant to be this broken. The days became accented by incidents like that. Bella watching from the outside as people were shot, children left in her care, house burning with families inside. She never left though, never mentioned it again. Each incident though, she'd end it with, "I know they are where the Good things go when they are set free." I felt the need to vomit, and unlike Bella, I did from her descriptions. I felt shame with each description, with each indiscretion. Each day, less and less was said about the beautiful trees, about swimming in the river or going on hikes and coloring pictures. Instead, it became a routine of keeping the kids entertained, teaching them, and not letting them leave the walls of the orphanage. Bella still gushed about her students, but as they disappeared, or as her students from the village stopped attending class, she would hope for it all to end. It was her one hope. Day 225We heard the gunfire today, it was that close. We made it a counting game with the children, telling them it was a giant carnival, and if they counted high enough, we'd get to go and see the noises and bright lights. I knew that each pop of the guns could be a life we were counting off. Tonight, the sky was bright in the east as a fire destroyed the village closest to us. I heard screams, guns, shouting, shrieks. Tonight we got our first straggler. I walked to go get water, because the children were thirsty and they aren't allowed to leave the dorms after nightfall. A little girl was standing beside the water spigot. Her hair was matted and bloody, and when I got close enough, I saw her arm was torn open. When she let me, I picked her up and carried her to Leah. Her eyes stayed fixed on me as we sewed her up. She cried silently, her hand rooted in my hair. I cried enough for her. The next couple days were nothing more than updates about the little girl they'd come to name Maya. Bella gushed about her, about her silence, about her pain. I knew that this was the girl that had stared at me on the plane, and I pictured her, wounded and silent. A knock at the door pulled me from the world I had become immersed in so dutifully. I wasn't finished, and I needed to know the ending. "What?" I sneered as I threw the door open. A giant, broad-shouldered man with muscles coming out of his ears stood there. "Hi, I'm Emmett, I'm your new security guard," he stuck a hand out to me awkwardly. "Oh, sorry," I mumbled, standing aside and letting him come inside. "I'm Edward," I answered as I shook his hand. I was almost 6'1" and this guy stood over me even. "Nice to meet you," he smiled, making dimples appear. "Nice digs you got here." I watched him take it all in and smiled to myself. "So, tell me about yourself," I asked, grabbing my bag and everything before sitting on the edge of the bed. Emmett took the chair at the desk. "I like to know who's following me around." "I grew up here in Seattle," he started. "Played football until I hurt my knee, got a degree in criminal justice. I was going to be a cop, like my best friend's dad, but then this job came along, and the hours are way better." 26

"Yeah, I won't really need you that often, I don't do much," I smiled. He was kind, easy to talk to, and comfortable. "Why not? You're loaded, young, and have a crowd of hotties waiting downstairs for you. If I was single, I'd be chasing skirts right with you," he laughed, a giant, booming noise. I enjoyed his honesty, so I laughed with him. "God, they never leave me alone. How am I suppose to take someone on a date, with a million people following me around?" I lamented, standing up and bidding him to follow. He passed the test easily. "No one said you had do date," he ribbed me as we got in the elevator. I felt as if I'd known him forever. It might have been my complete lack of male friends, or my complete lack of sleep, but I enjoyed him already. "My mom raised me right," I sighed as if it were a curse. "I'm not good at treating women badly, no matter what the gossip rags say." "Sounds like my mom," he sighed. "She'd beat my ass if I hurt Rosie." I laughed at this; the image of anyone putting Emmett of their knee seemed preposterous. I checked out of the hotel, and went to go out-front to my waiting car James had called. Emmett pulled me back though. "We're taking my car. I don't feel like dealing with that bullshit," he grumbled, nodding to the screams and camera flashes. I followed gladly. He was good at his job apparently. I followed him through the kitchen to the back entrance where a giant Jeep was waiting. He unlocked it and I climbed in, feeling weird for driving in a passenger seat. I was used to sitting in the back, not looking at the driver. "So, where to and what are we doing today?" he asked, turning the blaring radio down as we pulled onto the street. "I'm just going home," I answered, watching the Seattle streets pass quietly. "I don't have any plans. You can leave after you drop me off." "You can't sit at home all day," he grumbled. I wasn't used to people talking to me like that, and it instantly put me back into dick-mode. "Plus, Rosie will think I was lying when I told her I had a job with Edward Cullen." I laughed at this. "Your girlfriend's a fan?" I asked, eyebrows shooting up. "Yeah, no offense, but I had to sit through your shitty movies, so you're going to help me pick out some stuff for my niece," Emmett decided. I was startled by his honesty, and the smile never left my face. At a red light, Emmett rummaged around in the back, pulling out a sweatshirt, baseball hat, and sunglasses. "Put these on, because I'm not punching anyone today." I complied, interested in where today was taking me. "I'm not really a Marlin's fan," I informed him, looking at the hat with disgust. "Then you clearly don't know shit about baseball," he informed me. "What's your favorite team, the Yankees?" "Fuck no," I yelped. "I'm a Dodger man, and occasionally a Cubs guy." "My niece is a Dodger fan. I'm going to have to change that though," he mused. We talked about baseball as we went down the streets, debating the season at hand. I'd never been forced to do something I didn't want, and Emmett didn't give a fuck. He didn't care I was an actor, he actually hated my movies, and didn't blow smoke up my ass about it. I was already a fan of his. I wondered if he'd move to LA. "How old's your niece?" I asked, making conversation as we pulled into a sporting goods store parking lot. "Three," he smiled, getting a dreamy look on his face. "I'm her favorite uncle." His chest puffed with pride as we walked inside. I hadn't been to a store in I couldn't even remember how long. 27

"What are you going to get a three year old from a sporting good's store?" I asked, looking at the aisles of objects that were unsuitable for most children. "Baseball stuff," he answered, finding the section easily. We shopped as Emmett filed a cart with anything that was acceptable for a three year old, and talked about baseball and random things. It'd been a while since I talked about nothing. I found a pink soccer ball, and grabbed it for his niece. He gave me a funny look. "Well, I may come off like a dick to Hollywood, but I really was raised with manners," I answered his look. We paid and returned to his car. "Where to now?" I asked. "I think Rosie is taking the kid to the doctors, but they should be back by now. I can take you home and you can be a hermit, or you can give the kid your soccer ball," he mused, shrugging his shoulders. The clock on the dashboard told me it was already three, and I really didn't have anything to do, so I agreed to go with him. "If you think your girlfriend won't succumb to my charm and movie start status," I grinned cockily. "Ha!" he barked. "You couldn't handle her. You'd have her five minutes and give her back." "You don't mind, coming along, do you?" I asked, suddenly feeling like I was imposing. I was doing a lot of things I wasn't used to over the past twenty-four hours. I never cared enough to give a kid my sweatshirt. I never looked at women the way I looked at the woman named Bella. I never hung out with people. I never went over anyone's house, like a normal person. "If you don't mind being normal and degraded for like the Dodgers," Emmett laughed. I decided I was going to give him a raise. Maybe even a new car. We drove, listening to what Emmett called the best rock group of all time. I nodded my head to ACDC's Back In Black. Emmett got into it, air guitaring and driving with his knees. It's hard to not be normal around someone like that. "Alright, now, there are some ground rules," Emmett turned to me as we parked outside of a ritzy apartment building. "Don't say anything about her scar. Don't get offended if my niece doesn't like you, after all," he boasted, "I am her favorite. And most importantly, don't make eyes at the blond." I laughed and agreed as we grabbed our bags. "Oh, and don't worry about being famous, we won't hold it against you." He laughed. I didn't. It might have been the nicest thing anyone'd ever said to me. I followed Emmett up one flight of stairs, the whole time wondering how the hell I ended up here. Yesterday, I was on a flight to Seattle, last night I read and read and read a strangers deepest, darkest stories, and today I was buying soccer balls for stranger's nieces. Maybe Emmett was a murderer. He was already crazy, in my book. "Hola, senioritas, Emmie's here," he bellowed as he opened the door with a quick knock. "And I brought presents. Oh, and a movie star." The last remark was off-handedly added, making me shake my head at his antics. I stepped inside, and noticed how nice it was decorated. It wasn't as big as my apartment, but it sure as hell wasn't middle class. I held onto my soccer ball like a gun, hoping if I was going to be murdered I'd use it to protect me. Death by pink soccer ball. "Emmett, why the hell aren't you off doing things he wants. He's your boss," a beautiful blond scolded him. She got off of the couch and walked towards me. She was a model. "I'm sorry, please don't fire him," she asked, although not succumbing to a beg. "I won't. He's saving me from a day of boredom and doing nothing at my apartment," I answered, sticking my hand out. "I'm Edward Cullen." "Rosalie Hale," she shook my hand gently. I looked over her shoulders to see Emmett dragging his pointer finger along his neck and glaring at me. I assumed she was the blond I wasn't supposed to make eyes at. "You mean you didn't have anything better to do?" What was with everyone and thinking I had some busy schedule? 28

"Not really. I'm done promoting for now, and just waiting for the next shoot, which is in about a month," I answered nonchalantly. "How'd everything go at her check up?" Emmett asked as Rosalie turned to him. He straightened, yet looked concerned. "Good. Carlisle gave her some shots, which she took like a champ. He said she was light, for other kids her age, but other than that was healthy. He said she was most likely younger than we though, probably just turning three soon, so we're throwing a party sometime next month," she rattled off quickly. Emmett drank up every word, smiling when he found out his niece was healthy. I zoned out of their talking as I stared at the soccer ball in my hand, not wanting to intrude. When I looked up a few minutes later, they were whispering. "She's different, Em," Rosalie explained as he hugged her shoulders. I felt her sadness. "In pain." I felt my face grow red at overhearing. "Where is that niece of mine?" Emmett noticed me shuffling. "Emmett, if you don't stop yelling, I'm going to kick your ass," A voice sounded from the hallway. "She just got up from a nap, let the girl pee in peace." "You're lucky you didn't wake her up," Rosalie scolded him as she turned to me. "Can I get you anything?" "Don't baby him," Emmett interjected. "He can get himself something." "I really can," I nodded. "Pretend I'm just a normal guy. I do have legs, that actually work, contrary to popular belief." Rosalie smiled and slapped Emmett in the back of his head. "Em?" A quiet, child's voice startled everyone. It was almost a whisper. "Ah! Maya, beso?" he turned to the little girl and kneeled beside her. I felt my heart stop. It was her. She was hidden behind her mother's legs, shyness radiating from her. Trailing behind her was my sweatshirt, arm gripped in her hand. I followed the legs, the familiar, perfect, hot legs up to Bella's face. It was her. "You," she whispered, her head cocked and a funny smile on her face. She looked better than the last time I'd seen her. Now, her hair was up in a ponytail, but shined and glistened, the bags under her eyes were less prominent, and her clothes were new and clean. "You," I smiled back, unable to drop her intense stare. She was beautiful. I instantly thought of every word I had read, of the pain and hurt; it contradicted the smile in front of me. "And you," I mumbled, nodding towards the little girl. "Who are you?" Bella asked. Not moving except to run her hand along Maya's hair. "Edward Cullen, I believe that's my sweatshirt," I smiled and ran my hand through my hair nervously. "Oh, I'm sorry," she mumbled, picking Maya up. "I'll pay for it, or get you a new one, but I don't think she'd give this one up for anything." "No, it's fine," I assured her. We stared at each other as Rosalie and Emmett looked back and forth, as if watching a tennis match. "Oh, um, my name is Bella Swan," she stuck her hand out. "This is Maya. She thanks you for the sweatshirt." I shook her hand and let it drop. It was warm, and I knew it was something I'd think about for a while. "Hi, Maya," I smiled at the little girl. "I'm glad I got you to be a Dodger's fan before Emmett go his hands on you." "How the fuck do you two know each other?" Emmett finally found his words. "Yeah," Rosalie added. "Bella you've been in town for less than two days, and haven't left this apartment yet, and somehow you know Edward Cullen?" I hated the stress she put on my name. 29

"We sat beside each other on the plane from Mexico City," I explained. "We didn't talk much, but apparently this one was cold, so I offered my sweatshirt." "Why did she say your name like that, like 'Edward Cullen'?" Bella asked, staring at me curiously again. "This is my job," Emmett explained. "Edward's kind of a movie star." "Oh," Bella nodded, not finding it as interesting as I had hoped. "Well I've been out of the world for the past few years, so I'm sorry I haven't seen anything you've been in." "It's for the best," I assured her. "It's nothing big, I promise." Rosalie and Emmett both snickered. I tried to hide my amusement. "I promise to check them out once I get settled in," she smiled, dazzling me. "Mama," Maya whispered in Bella's ear. "Beso?" Bella blushed and kissed her quickly. "No," she scolded her. "No ahora," Bella whispered back, giving her a firm glance. I watched them speak with their eyes, a unique feat they accomplished well, never giving anything away to anyone else. "Comprtese." "Well, I'd like one," Emmett strutted over to Maya. "Beso?" he asked politely. She kissed his cheek. "Told you I'm her favorite," he smiled at me pridefully. "God, Emmett, what are all those bags?" Bella noticed the ground suddenly. She let Maya down, but she never released her grip on Bella. "Just some stuff for Maya," he answered jovially. "Today's not a good day, Em," Bella whispered, rubbing her girls hair. Maya hid still, clutching the sweatshirt. "She's quiet today." "Oh," Emmett's heart sank before our eyes. "I thought it'd be nice if she had some toys at least, until you guys went shopping." "No, Em, it's a sweet gesture," Bella reminded him. "I just don't want you to be upset if she doesn't do well today." "I know she's adjusting, I just want to help," he answered honestly. Rosalie looked at him as if he was the stars at night, and that broke my heart. "Thanks, Brother Bear," Bella gave him a giant smile as she hugged him tightly. He hugged her back, crushing her into his body. "Well we can just leave this stuff here then, and I'll come by later and show her how to do it," Emmett offered. "I better get Edward home, so he doesn't get into too much trouble with James." "Yeah," I agreed. "If I don't answer his emails, he gets mad. Um, this is for you," I offered the soccer ball awkwardly. Bella took it and gave me another smile. "Not for you, exactly, but for Maya," I clarified. "Thanks," Bella answered, her daughter still not coming out. "It was nice to meet you both," I gave Rosalie and Bella a huge smile as I ran my hand through my hair again. "Don't let Emmett you into trouble," Rosalie offered. "And if I see him with a groupie, I will not hesitate to punch that pretty face of yours." I was somewhat alarmed, but elected to laugh nervously instead of take it too seriously. "Excuse her," Bella offered. "She left her manners at home today. It was nice to meet you again, Edward. Maya really loves the sweatshirt." "No problem," I offered again. "Don't be a stranger," Rosalie interjected as I followed Emmett outside. "Since you're not busy, it must get lonely and boring at home. I'm sure he can get you into some trouble." "Sure," I agreed. I closed the door behind me. For some reason, I knew I had to finish reading Bella's journal even more now. I wanted to know 30

everything about her. For the first time in a long time, I felt concern for another person. It was weird for me, especially since Bella didn't seem to notice me or care at all. "She's a cute kid," I offered as we drove towards my apartment. "Yeah," Emmett smiled. "She deserves the best." "All uncles say that," I warned him. "Yeah, well not all uncles have a niece who's been through what Maya has," he answered quickly. I nodded, already knowing what that was, or so I thought. Emmett dropped me off at my apartment, with no photographers present. I was glad for that victory. "Thanks, Emmett," I offered. "Today was, um, interesting." "You're welcome man," he smiled. "Let me know if you need me tomorrow." I nodded and walked inside. I wouldn't call him tomorrow. I flipped on the light to my apartment, the living room becoming golden. It was the same as I had left it, perfect, an image from a catalog, inhuman, uncomfortable. I walked down the hall, forgoing the kitchen and spare bedrooms, and went into my room, closing the door quickly. I sat on the bed and opened the journal after turning the light beside my bed on before settling in for another night of reading. Day 300Today the men with guns arrived. They had just finished killing Onan and his family. The shot him first, making the mother shriek, then they killed her. We watched. They were a public spectacle, a warning. They have gone to the place where the Good go, when they are set free. Maya has fevers and chills. Leah and I watch her nonstop. She just whimpers. If I lose her, I don't know what will happen. Jake warns me that I will catch what she has, the siempre fiebre, 'always fever'. I don't care. I let my cold hands bring her ease, and it makes the world better for an instant. Tomorrow I am supposed to go into town for supplies. The revolutionaries are close. I hear the guards talking. If the resistance wins, I don't know what will happen to us. I hope they are less prone to use their guns though. The yard has become almost impossible for the children to play at, as graves and crosses have sprung like crops in a good harvest. Jake lets them in the yard anyway, despite the morbidity. We can't cage them. What have I gotten myself into? Today is Alice's birthday. She's twenty-two finally. I imagine cake and presents and birthdays of the past. It seems like a dream. Today we bury a family.

31

Chapter 6
The days started to blur together, since Maya and I had arrived. We got into a routine; it was peaceful. The nights became a blur of the past, of images I wanted to forget. Each time, I'd wake with a start, my body sweating, hair sticking to my neck and forehead, my throat dry and chaffing with each gulp. Maya slept on though, eyes fluttering in dream worlds I hoped were less horrible than my own reality. Jasper hadn't returned to Alice's apartment, and even though she said she liked it, having me back, I hated coming between them. I told Esme I'd accept the job as secretary once I figured out what I could do with Maya. That was almost a week ago, and I still had no idea. Alice had returned to work soon enough, claiming her boutique and designs could wait. I scolded her and told her no, she had to get back out there. I think she was still waiting for me to break. "What do you want to wear today, chinche?" I asked the laughing toddler who kept hiding under the sheets, giggling as I chased and tickled. She hopped out of bed quickly and grabbed a pair of jeans and t-shirt. She was inheriting my style, and Alice wouldn't be happy. I let Maya dress herself, something she was becoming content to do. Over the past two weeks, she'd started to talk more and the times when her face would grow distant grew shorter, adding to my relief. She still clung to me, but now, she had new people she had grown comfortable with. "What's for breakfast?" I asked as she hopped on my back and we galloped into the kitchen. "Waffles?" she asked as I let her sit on the counter. "May I have a apple?" I handed her the fruit. Her eyes got big as she took a big bite. The door opened just as I started to dig for waffle making supplies. "Hello?" Edward's voice sounded from the living room. "Kitchen," I called as I set up my tools. It wasn't unusual to have him around anymore. Edward had sort of joined our group, as weird as it sounded. He didn't have much to do anymore, until his filming started, except reading scripts James, his manager sent him, so he spent a lot of days with Maya and I while everyone else went back to work. Emmett took the opportunity to help Rosalie with the garage she opened last year. "Mm, what's for breakfast?" he asked, hopping up onto the counter with Maya. She handed him the apple and he took a big bite. "Waffles," Maya answered as he chewed. "Mama asked me. I picked." "And that's quite a good choice," Edward answered. "Have any good dreams last night, mieja?" This got Maya chattering in broken phrases, and Edward just nodded as if he understood. I let him talk to her while I stared to make the mix and pour the matter on the waffle maker. "So, what's the plan for today?" Edward asked me eagerly when he hopped off the counter. For some reason, it'd become my duty to entertain him. Alice said it was like we were rehabilitating each other into normalcy. Most of the time, I forgot he was a movie star. "I was thinking of going to look at daycare places," I muttered, pulling the first waffle off of the burner. "Don't put Maya in daycare," he scoffed. "I don't really have an options, Edward," I warned. "I have to start working so we can get our lives together. Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, and Charlie are all at work." "Let me watch her." He stated as if it were the correct answer. "I don't do anything all day except 32

annoy you," I laughed and shook my head. "And Maya knows me. Right, Mieja?" Maya nodded from her perch, still nibbling on the apple happily. "I'm not sure," I shook my head, pulling another off of the burner. "You'd rather leave her with strangers?" he pried. "It's not that," I answered. "I'd just like her to make some friends with people her own age. She's surrounded by adults all day, and still so quiet and behind everyone else her age." "Let me watch her Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then put her in daycare the other days," Edward offered as he leaned against the counter beside me and ran his hand through his hair. I watched his arms cross his chest as he dared me to challenge him. "You have to watch her here," I answered, pulling the final waffle out and grabbing plates and forks. "And you can't take her anywhere. That's all I need, someone recognizing you and stampeding my daughter." "Of course," he agreed, grabbing syrup from the pantry and Maya from the counter. He held her and leaned over as she hung over the trashcan and threw her apple in. "Mama did you see?" she asked, smiling a toothy grin. "Good job," I praised her as Edward sat her in her booster seat. He cut her waffle before I could, making sure the pieces were small, then covered them with a little dab of syrup. "Are you sure you want to do this, Edward?" I asked, almost afraid he'd say no. This was a perfect set up. "What about when you go back to work?" "My first few weeks are night shoots, so I won't be doing much during the day still," he offered, taking a big bite of waffle. "God, these are good." "Good, Mama," Maya agreed, taking a bite just like Edward. "What about after that?" I pressed. "I'll figure it out. She can come hang out with me on set. A few people have kids they bring, she can make friends there." He had an answer for everything. "I'll call Esme and tell her I can start on Monday," I finally agreed. "For a trial run, you guys stay home while I go look at a few daycare places nearby." "Deal," he put his hand out. I shook it and laughed. We ate with easy banter, Maya peeping into the conversation every now and then with some simply statement or question. "Where tia Alice?" she asked as I wiped her face and let her out of the booster seat. "Work," Edward answered. "I'm going to hang out here, while Mama goes out, is that ok?" Maya looked between him and I. She walked over to me at the sink and hugged my leg before burying her face in my thigh. "You leave?" she asked, looking up at me, her chin digging into my leg as she grabbed me tightly. "Only for a few hours," I answered, running a dry hand along her hair. "I'll be back." "No se vaya," she whispered. "Maya," I whispered as I knelt down to her level. "I have to go away sometimes. I have to go to work so we can live in our own place. Do you understand?" She shook her head. "No se vaya," she repeated. "I'll always come back though, ok?" I begged, realizing this was going to be harder than I thought. "I promise to come back. Will you be good with Edward? Maybe he can read you stories?" "Come back," she stated, looking me straight in the eyes. I nodded and kissed her forehead. "Always, novia," I whispered. She walked out of the kitchen and sat on the couch without another word. I washed the dishes and got ready to leave. I hadn't realized how much I'd been with Maya. I wasn't ready to leave her. We were each other's security. "Thank you, Edward," I told him, my voice deep with honesty. I hugged him tightly, surprising him 33

somewhat, but he hugged me back soon enough. "I'll be back in a couple hours." "We'll be here, having fun," he added, sitting on the couch with Maya. I kissed her again. "Hey, I love you," I told her with a smile. "I'll be back soon. Why don't you show Edward how high you can count, ok?" She nodded but didn't open her mouth. "We'll be fine, Bella," Edward pushed me out the door. "If anything is wrong with her when I come back, I will kill you," I looked right at him, void of emotion. If I could die for Maya, I could easily kill for her. I watched him gulp. "I promise, she'll be fine. You should know by now that I love being around," he answered just as solemnly. I nodded and walked away without a goodbye. I heard the door click and wanted to run back inside. I took a step, then another, and eventually I made it to the street. I wondered if she was alright, if she'd be mad at me, if Edward knew that she hadn't brushed her teeth yet. My mind was cloudy with worry, so much so my chest felt tighter. It had to be this way though. Maya had to make new friends, and I had to work. I walked to the first place, and was impressed. It was cute, clean, and the people were nice. It was a major plus that it was within walking distance. It would have been too expensive to afford every day, but I could manage two days a week. I didn't bother looking anywhere else, and instead agreed to sign her up for a trial run after explaining some of Maya's quirks. The woman, an older, motherly type just nodded and smiled, telling me that the kids were all sweet, and Maya would fit in well. "It's our first time, being away from each other," I explained hesitantly. "A lot of mother's have this problem, and the children are hesitant as well, but don't worry, it gets easier," Zafrina explained with a smile. "Does anyone speak Spanish here?" I asked, realizing Maya wasn't exactly speaking in only English. "Maya, she's from Guatemala, and we're bilingual at home. I'm not sure what she'll feel more comfortable with." "I'm from Costa Rica," she explained. "It will be nice to have someone to talk to in my native tongue." It was at that moment that I knew Maya would be ok with her. I filled out the forms as well as I could, leaving the social security box blank. We'd yet to get the paperwork back with an American birth certificate or social security card, and it made me antsy. I couldn't get her insurance or anything official without it. "I, uh, can fill this in later," I explained. "I haven't gotten her card in the mail yet." "No problem," she smiled again. "I know how things are right now down there, and approval might take a while." "How do you know?" I asked, somewhat doubting her. "We've had our share of revolutions back home," was all she would say, her smile disappearing. I nodded, understanding completely. I put Edward, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle, Charlie, and Esme as points of emergency contact if I couldn't be reached. The list made me smile. I left feeling somewhat happy about my decision. I hated leaving her, but I knew it was necessary. When I checked my watch I realized it had only been an hour and a half, and I couldn't go back yet, not if I was really trying to show Maya what her days would be like. I made my way to a bookstore down the block to see if I could find any stories Maya might like. She always got bored during children's tales with giant flashy pictures, and would close her eyes and just listen to my voice. So far, she knew a lot of the alphabet though, and I wanted to keep these books around so she could get comfortable with reading eventually. I decided on a few kid's stories, a book of poetry, and a copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude, remembering the story easily, thinking Maya would enjoy the sound of the sentences and names. I kept doing errands, to keep my mind busy 34

and away from thinking about Maya, and how she was, how Edward was. He'd been a surprise, to say the least. He didn't press to know anything about me or Maya except things for the present, never the past, and only little of the future. He had a sharp wit and heavy heart, often melancholy yet content with it. He worked well with where Maya and I were in our lives. She had taken a shine to him from the beginning, almost more than Alice and Emmett. She enjoyed Rosalie, but she wasn't around enough to make a huge impression, meanwhile Alice was there everyday, and Emmett every day at some point, even just to say hi. Edward was with us all day every day. I taught him how to do laundry, he taught me some pop culture. I told him I missed music the most; he bought me an ipod and filled it. He told me he missed Chicago; I cooked deep-dish pizza on night for dinner. We had an unspoken bond and friendship that kept us both at ease, and I appreciated it more than he knew. It was nice, to not have expectations about who I should be. Rosalie, Em, Alice, and Jazz all still compared me to old Bella, even though they didn't mind the change, it was still there, the 'you never liked that before's or the 'I didn't know that's. With Edward, there was no old Bella, just me, now. I let my feet carry me down familiar streets, ones I thought I forgot the names of, and followed them to Esme's office. It was big, the whole second floor in some office building we could see from Alice's balcony. "Bella!" Esme cheered as soon as I knocked on her door after making sure she wasn't with clients. "What a nice surprise. Where's my nieta?" she searched behind me anxiously. I sighed and couldn't help the frown. "I left her with Edward, as a trial run to see how she'd do without me," I answered as she ushered me inside to sit down. "He said he'd watch her three days a week for me so I didn't have to have her in daycare all the time. Both options kill me." Esme nodded, her face knowing. "It's hard, Bella. You've been with her constantly for so long," she started. "But I promise, it gets easier. You both will adjust to it, and it makes your time together that much more special. Your hours here won't be too long, I promise." "I don't want any special treatment, Esme," I shook my head. "This is a job, you'll be my boss, and I wouldn't expect anything else." "Sweetheart, I'm not giving you special treatment," Esme scolded me softly. "I work nine to three most days, sometimes I give myself the afternoon off, and sometimes you'll get off earlier because I have to go meet with clients. I might have a morning appointment, and you might not have to come in until later. I'm still going to pay you for forty hours a week." "You're too nice," I warned her. She laughed gently. "Carlisle and I were talking, and we thought of something we'd like to give Maya for her birthday," Esme started suddenly. "As long as it's not a pony," I kept smiling. Alice was busy planning a perfect birthday for Maya, almost like a coming out party, or a welcome to the family, or a sorry you're an orphan party. We were going to do it in Forks so Edward could come and be unrecognized. My father liked the idea of another child's party in the yard, like the ones I used to have. It'd be a nice weekend getaway for everyone. I couldn't wait to take Maya to First Beach. She'd love the water and sand. "No, although don't tell him that, or he might get her one," Esme laughed. Carlisle had a unique attachment to Maya, and she to him. They were thinkers, cut from the same cloth, and I'd often find him sitting at his desk at home, her in his lap, both with their feet up as they stared into nothingness, but the faces clouded with ideas. He would give her the world, if it made her happy. "Well, then I'm sure it'll be fine," I assured her. "Beside a toy, we wanted to start a college fund for her," Esme blurted. "We want her to have a future." 35

"Esme, that's too much," I shook my head, but she shook hers faster. "No, it's not. Maya's family, she's as much my granddaughter as you're my own daughter," she whispered. "I've always thought of you that way, Bella. I watched you grow up, become the honorable, wonderful woman you are today, and I want Maya to have the same opportunity." "Thank you, Esme," I gave her a weak smile. "That being said don't be afraid to have Edward bring her in to visit. The other designers don't mind, and I'm sure everyone would love her," Esme planned. There were about four other designers in her company, but Esme was the boss. I'd seen her in boss mode, and it wasn't the cookie-cutting, sweet mother sitting across from me. If she said it was ok, it was, and no one would question it. I nodded and checked my watch. "I guess I'll see you Monday," I offered as I stood to leave. Esme hugged me tightly, and I hugged back tighter. "I hope I can make it home before naptime." "Bella, you're an amazing mother. You feel so much hurt and doubt because you're so wonderful to her, don't forget that," Esme gave me wisdom. I nodded, trying to take it to heart. "Don't forget, we have Sunday dinner at our place this weekend." "Carlisle just wants to teach Maya more letters," I shook my head. "He's turning her into a genius." "I know," she agreed. "I can't believe how far she's come. It's amazing." "She's amazing," I admitted as I walked out of the office. "I'm sure Carlisle will sneak by for a visit before Sunday. I'll see you later." "You're right," she agreed. "See you, hun." I walked out of Esme's office feeling slightly better about leaving. It was soon overturned in favor of anxiety though as I approached home. I felt like running there, but I had to keep strong. This was a test, and I could manage. I took my time walking up the steps, trying not to rush it too much. When I opened the door, the apartment was quiet. "Maya?" I called, my heart throbbing in my ears, no doubt deafening me from hearing her voice. I walked through the living room, searched the kitchen, the bathroom. "Edward?" I called, feeling my chest tighten. After my first lap around the house, I noticed a note on the kitchen counter. Bella- Today we: Brushed our teeths. Counted to 10. Learned 'Pop goes the Weasel" Danced around and acted like Monsters. Ate pizza and strawberries for lunch. Went potty twice, by ourselves. And are currently taking a nap in your bed. Edward & Maya. I ran to my bedroom, the note still in my hand, and let out the breath I had been holding since I walked into the apartment. On my bed rested one of the cutest sights I'd ever seen. All of my doubts of Edward as a sufficient caretaker left my mind. Sleeping on top of my made bed, Maya wearing her giant sweatshirt, slept on Edward's chest. He had one arm on her back and the other behind his head, looking completely peaceful. Maya was completely asleep, as was Edward. They looked too perfect to wake up. I set the note on my nightstand and watched them. With each breath from Edward, Maya would rise and fall slightly, but she didn't wake. I took a second to watch Edward. He looked peaceful, less ready to have a snappy comeback, no more sarcasm here. His hair, the messy bunch that flamed endlessly looked even more crumpled than usual. His features, the crooked nose, chiseled chin, relaxed cheeks, all looked less severe as he slept. For a second I felt something. I pushed it away before noticing. I crawled into bed beside them both gently, so as not to wake them. Maya felt me though, and 36

turned to see me rest my head on the pillow. She slid off of Edward's chest slowly, trying not to wake him. He turned with her, his arm becoming her pillow. I smiled that his body, even in sleep, sensed her shift, and moved to protect her. Maya scooted near me, her eyes still tired. "Te amo," I whispered, kissing her forehead. "Mi vida." "I love you, Mama," she whispered as she nuzzled into my side. I fell asleep instantly, a smile on my face. For the first time in a long time, I was free from sirens and the past. Instead, Emerald eyes stared at me, making me feel warm. Maya laughed and hugged me. I was happy, complete. "Mama," A voice startled me awake. I felt Maya's hands on my cheek as she pushed it gently. "Time to get up," she told me. "Edward," the same voice started. "No more sleep." I opened my eyes slowly, finding them looking staring into Maya's. Her nose was on mine, and I wiggled my face, giving her an Eskimo kiss. She giggled and rested her forehead on my own. "Mama," she sighed. "Did you have a good nap?" I asked with a yawn as she pulled away. "Yes," she agreed. She turned over, and I realized Edward was in bed with us, and for a split second I was confused. "Hey, Mieja," he cooed as she gave him the same treatment. He growled at her, and she growled back. "Are we still hairy, scary monsters?" Maya answered with a roar. Edward roared with her. "Monsters have to use the potty when they wake up," Edward finally calmed her down. "Go hop to it," he smiled as he lifted her over his body, held her there for a second, then placed her beside the bed. We listened to Maya roar down the hallway to the bathroom. "How'd it go?" I asked, stretching and laying on my back. Edward stayed on his back, but turned to look at me. I met his eyes, gasping at the warm green that leaked from them. "She was quiet at first, but it went well," he mused. "Overall though, if I didn't ask her direct questions, she didn't talk. But she'll adjust, I promise." "Well, it does seem like you guys had fun," I smiled at him. "Sorry I interrupted your nap." "You didn't," he stopped me quickly. We were quiet again as Maya washed her hands. "When you got off the plane, did you see any book that I left behind?" I asked suddenly, remembering that I couldn't find my journal anywhere. "No, sorry. I tried to leave as soon as possible. Didn't want to start a scene," Edward turned to look at the ceiling. Maya hopped back onto the bed. "Mama, I missed you," Maya told me. "I think I'll let you guys hang out the rest of the afternoon," Edward sat up and stretched. "I'll see you guys on Monday, bright and early." "Aren't you coming over this weekend?" I asked, startled that he put a date on when we'd seen him. He shook his head. "I'm flying to LA for some charity fundraiser this weekend, and I have a few photo shoots and interviews James has been shoving down my throat," he mumbled. "Oh," I whispered. "Well, have a safe flight. Don't have too much fun down there and forget about us." "I couldn't if I tried," he shot me a sideways grin before running a hand through his hair. "Later, gator," he kissed Maya's forehead. "While, 'dile," she responded with a big smile. "See ya, Bella," he waved. "Bye Edward," I managed to say before he walked out of the room. Maya stared at me for a second before staring at the door. Her brow crinkled as she did this a few more times. 37

"Where he go?" she mumbled, holding her hands up. "He'll be back," I promised as I sat up as well. "Who do you want to go visit today, tia Rose and tio Emmett?" "Tio Em!" she shouted happily. The girl in front of me wasn't the same one I'd clung to leaving Guatemala. She was thriving, being nurtured by a family that wanted her. The only thing that kept me from jumping for joy was the realization that there were a hundred more back home that weren't.

38

Chapter 7
Waking up in my bed in LA was horrible. Then again, nothing would be as good as waking up in bed to see Bella, even Maya. My bed had never been warmed by anyone before, nor had I ever wanted it to be, until the Swan women sat next to me on a plane. Rolling over in my bed, I looked out the floor to ceiling windows that peered into a yard I'd never set foot in, a pool I'd never use, and a life I never wanted. I could see the heat already present; summer in LA. The heat would burn my skin and have me sweating after two minutes, it'd sear me. This was nothing like waking up next to Bella. I was invariably cold, not having Maya snuggled into my chest; the scent from my sweatshirt and her strawberry shampoo dulling my mind until I didn't care who I was, until I slept as if I had everything right to do in the world. I was invariably empty, not waking to see Bella's honey eyes staring at me as I growled with her daughter, pretending to be scary, hairy monsters that rumbled and grumbled their way through life. I was effectively less of a person for the moment, and it scared me. I'd grown attached. I should have taken every opportunity to run and distance myself, to hate the creatures that now drove me to compulsion, but I couldn't. I wasn't good for them; they wouldn't be good for me. We were two different worlds, on two separate axis', in two separate universes, spinning at horribly differing speeds, facing a million different directions. I wondered what they'd be doing right now as I checked my clock, still not crawling out of my bed. It was almost breakfast time. Maybe Bella would make cereal, maybe Maya would want oatmeal. There would most certainly be cut up strawberries in either. Bella would sigh and ask Maya what it was like to be a butterfly. Maya would giggle and moo like a cow. They wouldn't miss me. But they clouded my every thought already. I pulled out Bella's journal from the drawer of my nightstand. I'd been home one night, and I considered it the only possession I'd save if I burned. Day 492Today is my birthday. I'm twenty-two years old. I almost forgot, until Jacob and the kids started to sing to me, giving me a crown of flowers and kisses to match. We had cake, everyone getting a small piece. I have mine to Maya. I claimed it her birthday as well, hoping to giver her a life. I'm not sure what this really means, that I'm grown. Jacob says it's important because I've made it one more time around the sun. What he meant was that we needed to celebrate, in case it I don't make it again. Today I realized I loved Maya. Not in a cute, childish way, but in a way that it would break my heart if she wasn't there to make another trip around the sun. I don't appreciate the good things when I have them. She's asleep on my cot now, afraid to be away from me for some reason. It's been that way since a few weeks ago. I woke up in the middle of the night, her hand on my cheek, hers glistening with tears. She didn't say anything, naturally. I held her close and cried when she fell asleep. I can't imagine not comforting her. It goes that way for all of the kids, I love each of them, and each are precious to me. But I can't explain the hold this one has on me. I've never felt destined for anything before, except to watch her. We hear about the resistance approaching, and their success in the bigger cities. The villages have nothing else to give, so I know this is a show of strength. I don't care anymore. I'd rather they leave us alone. Jacob told me that I should leave. He has kind eyes, ones that would bleed compassion if it were 39

possible. I could stare at them all day, as they heal. He told me I needed to go where the Good goes, before it is set free. I told him this was such a place. He laughed, a hearty one that will echo with me forever. I wonder what everyone in Seattle is doing right now. I hadn't thought about them in a long time, trying to keep them separate from this world. They are happy, I know that. Emmett will make everyone laugh, Rosalie will slap him around, but kiss him when she thinks we aren't looking. Alice will talk as if her words are running together into one long strand, without breathing, without pausing, Jasper will smile at her, understand all of it and answer accordingly. They might remember it's my birthday, send me a card, maybe a present. It won't reach me, so I'd like to pretend that they forgot, and aren't imagining what I'm doing right now. When I leave this place, if I leave, I imagine I'll smile and tell them I enjoyed the weather. I couldn't bring myself to read anymore. One entry a sitting was all I could stomach anymore. The joy was too far in between for the mood I had become caught in. My phone ringing on the nightstand pulled me from my thoughts. "What?" I asked the receiver. "I sent your tux over this morning. You're car will be there at seven," James answered. We didn't bother with formalities anymore. "Alright. Do you have all of the interviews and photo shoots lined up for tomorrow?" I asked, hoping he'd have the schedule set. It would be a one-day marathon, but it was a hell of a lot better than being away from Seattle. There, I was unrecognizable, somewhat. "Yeah, I'll fax over an itinerary. Your security guard will be there. His flight arrives at five, so I'm having the car get him, then you." I smiled slightly; relieved Emmett would be there to lighten the mood. "Thanks," I grumbled as I hung up. I didn't get out of bed all day until I had to. Instead, I lay there, holding my cell phone, hovering on Bella's number. I knew I had to get a shower soon, to shave. I clicked a button finally sigh a giant breath. "Hello?" her voice sounded gone after four rings and a mental battle within myself. "Hey, Bella," I answered. "It's, um, Edward, Edward Cullen." "Why hello, Edward Cullen, Hollywood extraordinaire, movie star, humanitarian, nanny," she laughed. "I have someone who has been asking about you all day." I heard a shuffle of the phone and Bella's whispers and urges in the background. "Hey, Mieja," I smiled, knowing she was listening. "It's Edward." "Edward?" she repeated. I growled slightly, playfully. She roared back. "Edward!" "What did you do today?" I asked, hoping she'd talk. "I seen a bug," Maya stated solemnly. "Tia Alice yell when I show her." I couldn't help but chuckle at the image as I finally got out of bed. "That's not nice," I tried to scold her. "What did he look like?" "He has eight whole legs," she started as if it were a list. "and little eyes, creepy crawly legs." "Oh, sounds nice," I added. "I miss you." "Where you go?" she asked innocently. "You here?" "I'm far away right now, but I'll be back soon," I promised as Bella tried to get the phone. "K," she answered. "I miss you." That was all I was looking for, all along. Someone to miss me. "Hey, so she told you about her buggy?" Bella's voice was light, refreshingly so. I laughed and nodded before answering. "Yeah, I can't believe I missed Alice's reaction." Bella laughed along with me, remembering. "So, how's LA?" "The same. I'm racked up in my house since I have every woman within the closest fifty miles 40

radius surrounding my compound," I tried to pretend to sound easy going. "I'm debating whether or not I'd give up my left arm for some In-and-Out." Again Bella laughed. I'd tell her whatever she wanted to hear if she kept doing that. "Only if you get it animal style," she concluded after humming and pondering it for a second. "Have fun tonight. Dance with the ladies, drink some champagne for me, and try not to look too disheveled. They have these things called combs, you might want one." It was my turn to laugh, and blush somewhat. "You think I look disheveled?" I tried to sound shocked. "Slightly. I was sort of looking forward to seeing you all cleaned up," Bella sighed, far away. "I don't get many reasons to see people in tuxes." "Watch E! tonight, and I promise you'll see me, completely undisheveled, incredibly rugged, and if you're lucky, I'll shout out to my two favorite girls," I said quickly, not thinking about it until the words were from my mouth. "I'm sure Maya will like to see you," she whispered. "Have fun. I'll see you Monday." "Bye, Bella," I whispered back, waiting for her to hang up, catching her hesitation. I stared at the phone for a moment after the light dimmed. It had been all I wanted to do all day, and at the same time now, all I wanted to do again. I showered instead. Taking extra care to shave and trim, making sure not a line was out of place. I brushed my hair, for the first time in a long time. Every time I tried to tame it, it went wild; it was too long. So I cut it. I trimmed and cut, pulling from the roots and snipping off ends. Inches fell off, until I figured it was good enough. I brushed my hair again, this time styling it easier. It stayed in order, and I resisted the urge to run my fingers through it. The clocked moved towards the time when the car would arrive, so I put my tux on, making sure the bow was tied straight, the buttons done, and not a crease could be found. I don't think I'd ever taken so long to get ready. I couldn't believe that I cared about Bella. Every decision I made seemed to revolve around her, and she didn't notice. I wasn't looking for a parade, but I wanted her to see I cared. For the first time inever, Edward Cullen was firmly planted in what felt like the friend zone. The doorbell rang, and after pocketing my phone and wallet, I came face to face with Emmett. He wore a matching tux, although his had a white undershirt, and I wore all black. "My man, you look fresh," he laughed, hugging me with a pat on the back. "You do too," I laughed. "Rosalie is going to be jealous she missed this." "I already sent her pictures," he smiled as we walked outside. People snapped pictures, and I rooted my hands in my pockets, not allowing them to touch my hair. I didn't want to tempt it, to go crazy. Granted, it was still sticking up, still wild, yet now, it did look like I tried. In the car, Emmett babbled about home, about what he was getting Maya for her birthday. I hadn't thought of anything yet. The top on my list was either the Dodgers or a zoo. Emmett was getting her a bicycle with training wheels and pink tassels. I could buy her a pony. Bella wouldn't approve, no doubt. "Are you ready for this, Money Bags?" Emmett grinned as we stopped moving. I shook my head, but he opened the door anyway. My name was screamed, yelled, thrown, shrieked. I was blinded by a wave of flashes; there was a quick breath, and another wave. I smiled as I started walking. I thought about chasing Maya around the house, telling her that I loved her so; I was going to eat her up. I looked for one specific camera, passing all other reporters and going for E! It had been the first one I'd thought of when I was talking to Bella, probably because it was one I frequently passed. "Good evening, Edward," the woman whose name I should have known smiled happily. I kept my hands in my pocket and kissed her cheek. "You are looking dashing this evening, quite clean and 41

surprisingly kempt." I laughed, falling into character, giving her a smile as I shuffled. Emmett stood to my side, reminding me of home. "Thanks," I nodded graciously. "I was told I looked too disheveled all the time, so I cleaned it up for the night." "So, everyone's been wondering if you were going to make an appearance after your hefty donation. Where have you been?" she asked, slipping into reporter mode. "Around," I smiled. "I've been keeping it low key for a little while." "Well, it's nice to see you back," she smiled. "How did you become so devoted to the cause of battered women and children?" "Violence against women and children is unbearable, and I feel like any man who would raise a finger against them isn't a man," I answered solemnly. "It was only my pleasure to donate to this cause, to get some buzz for it. If there's a safe alternative to staying in the home, I support it." "It's very sweet of you," the woman smiled. My phone rang. I smiled when I saw whose name was on the screen. "Hello?" I asked, looking into the camera. "Sorry, it's the person who told me I was too disheveled," I whispered to the woman. She kept rolling. "You can't pick up your phone when you're on TV," Bella scolded me, her tone laughing. "Well, I did," I taunted. "Do I pass your scrutinizing tastes?" "Very much. You look handsome. Mess up your hair though, I can't take it anymore," Bella's tone went serious. "Fine," I smiled, pulling it back into disarray. "Is Maya watching?" "Of course," she affirmed. "Ok, hold on," I shoved my phone in my pocket. "Could I pass a message through your camera?" I asked the reporter. "Go for it," she smiled. "Hi, Maya," I smiled, waving. "Te amo, Mieja." I held up my hands like claws and growled. "And that was to anyone special?" the reporter responded. "Only the cutest little girl in the universe," I gave her one more smile before thanking her. She gave me a big hug. She didn't get many interviews, and I was sure mine had made it. I didn't talk to anyone else as I picked up the phone and continued walking down the carpet. "Hello?" I asked, only half afraid she'd hung up. "Now I have a growling soon-to-be three year old on my hands," Bella complained, halfheartedly. "Sorry," I gave just as much enthusiasm in meaning it. "I have to go, but I really do miss you guys, as lame as that might sound." "We miss you too. Go have fun, I have a monster to bathe," Bella answered, her tone lighter than my own. "Ok, I'll see you Monday," I sighed, realizing I had no more reasons to call, or for her to call me, really. "See ya, Edward," Bella giggled and hung up before me again. The night was a huddle of nothingness. I checked my watch, noting which time Bella would be reading to Maya before bed, some random collection of poems, or better yet One Hundred Years of Solitude. When I asked her if the book was too much, Bella just nodded in agreement before continuing. I enjoyed sitting in the living room, listening to poetry most. I'd put it on loop when I went home, listening to words and inflections. But tonight, the lion of contentment has placed a warm, heavy paw on my chest, and I can only close my eyes and listen to the drums of woe throbbing in the distance and the wounds of my daughter's laughter. 42

Women touched me while I listened to men tell me that they knew exactly what my next move should be. I smiled and nodded dutifully. I lied and agreed to meetings I'd cancel on inevitably. Time trekked on and I wanted to go home, but not LA. I missed laughing with Bella; I left my smile there. The one I wore now wasn't real. I saved that for Maya. I missed the person I became. I showed Emmett a guest room, gave him a set of keys to the Vanquish, and went to my room. I threw my tux on the ground. The maid would clean it when I left. The clock blinked past three and I wanted to read more, but I couldn't make my body move to do it. Sleep was dreamless and uncomforting. I woke thinking of presents for little girls, and vowed to get Maya each one.

43

Chapter 8
"Good morning, sleepyhead," I whispered, nuzzling the sleeping girl's head with my own. I let my nose rake along her hair before I blew a raspberry on her neck. She hunched her shoulders and burrowed deeper into the safety of her sweatshirt. "Maya, it's a special day today," I smiled to myself as I rubbed her back and kissed her nose. "Today is your birthday." Maya finally turned to me; sleep in her eyes and yawning slightly. I'd already let her sleep in, and couldn't wait any longer. Alice and the rest of the gang were already at the house on the lake back in Forks, getting things ready for the weekend getaway, leaving me time to spend with my daughter, to figure out how we were going to do this whole birthday thing. Edward said he'd be over before naptime so we could head to Forks together, as he didn't know the way, and I didn't feel comfortable driving with Maya yet. The first two weeks of our little arrangement worked well. Edward spent the day with Maya, reading to her, playing games, occasionally taking her to the park under disguise. The visited me a few times, the women of the office making Maya uncomfortable. Maya did a little better than I had expected at daycare, but still didn't like it much. She had one best friend, a little boy named Seth, who ironically was deaf. They didn't have to talk, just be. Edward bought a sign language book, to teach her some of it. My child was trilingual. I still wasn't sure which part of the sentence sounded weirder; the fact that I had a child, or that she was brilliant. It seemed so natural though, to be around Maya, to have her. I couldn't remember a time without her. "Mama?" she asked, completely confused. I just sat there, smiling like a fool. "Happy Birthday, novia," I cheered gently, kissing her cheeks. She finally sat up, still clutching the sweatshirt. She was, without a doubt, perfection. Her hair, long, sleek blackness, only highlighted the big doe eyes that stared back at me, the tiny sliver of cinnamon around her pupil. "I'm three," she smiled at me, baby teeth proudly on display. "You are, my big girl," I nodded, pulling her onto my lap and hugging her tightly. "And later, we're going to see tia Alice and tia Rose, and they are going to give you lots of hugs," I hugged her tighter and rocked us as she laughed. "And they are going to give you lots of kisses," I laughed, kissing her cheeks. "But you know what?" "What?" she asked, regaining her breath. "I think it's only fair that Mama gets the first birthday kiss, what do you think?" I asked. Maya kissed me, then rubbed her nose on my own with her eyes shut tightly, a smile still on her face. I kissed her again and again and again, reveling in the warmth and love between us. "You know what else this means, right?" I asked, grabbing the cupcake from my nightstand. "Cake!" she giggled and screamed at once. "Yup," I agreed, setting it down on her lap, yet still holding the plate. "We're going to start a tradition. Birthdays will start with our own party. Mommy-Maya time." I watched as she stuck a finger into the icing and sucked on it happily. She did the same thing again, this time offering me the icing. We ate and chatted. I explained some of the things that happen on a birthday, and she listened attentively. I dressed her in shorts and a t-shirt, explaining that today we were going to go to a lake, which had lots of trees and lots of water where we could play all day. Then we'd have cake and presents and good food for dinner. "Like before?" Maya asked, staring at me as she stood on the bed after I slipped her shirt on. 44

"Like when, baby?" I asked. "Before here," she stated as I pulled her hair into equal pigtails. I paled and stopped breathing. I thought of Guatemala everyday. It rang in my head every time I watched the news, waiting to see any glimpse of security. I celebrated Jacob's birthday to myself, the festivals, the anniversaries of death. I thought about it all. "I love you, Maya. Do you know that?" I asked, holding her cheeks in my hand as I stared at her, hoping she'd understand. "I love you more than the world. I love you bigger than the sky and higher than the clouds. I love you to the moon and back." "I love you," she smiled. "I love you more than strawberries on waffles." I grinned at her analogy. "You're my only Mama." I hugged her, spinning her around, making the beautiful music come from her tiny mouth. Maya and I spent the morning at the park, counting leaves and making up songs. Her best friend Seth met us there, and they played happily together as I sat and talked to his mother. She was a sweet woman, though completely exhausted. She worked horrible shifts at some restaurant; a single mother with no family raising Seth by herself after his father left them. She worried about her son, and his trouble making friends because he was different. I guess she never counted on my daughter. We planned their marriage, making grandiose plans and laughing. It took both our minds away from the present, and that was always welcomed. Maya walked back with me, her tiny hand in mine as we made our shadows dance beneath us and made animal noises. I made her peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch; today it was her favorite. Tomorrow I was sure it'd be fish sticks. "Hello?" Edward called as I cleared our plates. "I heard it was someone's birthday today?" he asked innocently as he walked into the kitchen. "Bella, have you seen a very special birthday girl?" "Me!" Maya cried as she tugged on his khaki shorts. "No, I don't think so," I played along with him. "Oh," he pretended to frown. "Well, she's about this tall," he motioned, placing his head on top of Maya's. " She has black hair," he tugged her ponytail. "And her name is Maya." "Me!" the girl cried out again, growing tired at his ignorance. I laughed as Edward's eyes grew wide and he played along with her. "Oh my goodness!" he exclaimed, clapping his face with his hands. "This looks like her!" He picked Maya up and hugged her tightly. "Is it your birthday today?" "I'm three!" she cheered, wrapping her hands around his neck. "Three years old you say?" Edward shook his head, reaching one hand behind his back. "Would a three year old like a tiny present right now?" "Mama, can I?" Maya asked me, the pout forming. I could have sworn Edward taught her that, as he wielded the same one. I nodded as I finished cleaning our plates and the counters. Edward pulled a tiny plastic dinosaur from behind his back. Maya looked at it eagerly, not understanding what it was. "This is just present number one," Edward warned. "Something for you to play with in the car. Tonight, you get your big girl presents." Maya nodded, grabbing it and trying to figure it out. "What it does?" she asked innocently. "It's an animal," he explained. "It makes roaring noises." That was all she needed to be happy, creating her best fake dinosaur noise. Edward helped me throw our bags in the back of his shiny silver Volvo, and after buckling Maya in her car seat, roaring quietly and banging the dinosaur against the window, we set off for Forks. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep, hugging her sweatshirt in one hand, the dinosaur in the other. "So, Mr. Movie Star, your free time is soon coming to a close," I mused, resting my feet on his 45

dash. "Are you excited to get back to the masses of screaming girls?" Edward laughed; it accompanied the music well. "Not really," he shrugged. "I've had fun hanging out with my number one fan back there, and her mom's not that bad either." "You know that you don't have to watch her, right?" I asked, realizing her was, in fact, going back to work. "Bella, I can't imagine not hanging out with Maya. She's like my sidekick," he scoffed. "Don't worry about me. I'm more than capable of balancing work and home." "You'll tell me if it's too much?" I asked, turning to him to find him watching me. "If you promise to tell me if it's too much," he retorted sweetly. I cocked my head, feeling the confusion of his words. I nodded; it felt like the proper response. We were quiet for the rest of the trip. Edward, too, understood the quiet. "Edward, you realize you're a famous actor, worth millions, sought after, and you make grilled cheese sandwiches for my three year old regularly?" I suddenly realized. "You're the sexiest man on the planet according to five magazines, and you spend your days surrounded by cartoons, and your nights with me, reading and watching TV. Who are you?" Edward stared out to the road, his brow a ridge, newly formed and ancient. "I'm Edward," he smiled. "That's all I know. Does it matter what I do or how much I make if I love Maya and like spending time with you?" "Almost," I suggested. He nodded. Again we were quiet, the faint whisperings of Van Morrison conquering us. I thought about my life, my daughter, Edward. It was all variably insane. I was an extended metaphor; the comparison of faith and doubt. I was burdened. I was blessed. I had everything to live for, strapped into a booster seat behind my seat. I left my convictions. I had little emotion about anything else in the world, except Maya. I was inhuman without her to define me. I was unrecognizable. I was stable. I had a job, a kid, a family. I was one step away from being unhinged. I didn't notice Maya woke up until I heard her roaring in a whispered tone. She had a way of doing that, of forgetting herself, not making the world hear her as she slipped into her old, quiet way. I sort of knew that's who she was; she spoke with silence, if you listened closely. I didn't talk to her, instead leaving her to her happy thoughts. She would do the same for me. Edward drove where I told him, through town and past the familiar buildings. It was horrific, almost, like a sick version of dj vu. We climbed the long, twirling driveway to the Branden's house. They all once lived there, myself sometimes included, but after we all shifted to the city, Esme and Carlisle decided to get their own apartment, and kept the house as a weekend getaway. I watched the forest branches hide the next, until a wall of green stood in front of us on both sides, a narrow driveway of gravel and grass leading us to the house. It was an immediate flashback, and I waited for the men with guns. Maya was quiet also, no longer roaring, no longer moving, almost. The crunch of gravel echoed in my bones and vibrated my teeth until they knocked at uncontrollable speeds, my skin prickly with sweat, my heart constricted. The lush forest was everywhere, both familiar, and unlike the one I'd known before. The green was different. I was used to the lime green crayon colored world, the citrus markers; this world was forest green with a hint of dusk and brown, the car freshener scented marker. "Bella, are you alright?" Edward's voice pulled me back from myself. Since the first day, I'd kept the mask on, the thing that told the rest of the world that nothing bothered me. 'What the hell happened to you in Guatemala?' 'The weather was nice.' "Mama?" Maya was in his arms, standing beside my door. Her eyes were distant as she reached for 46

me. I couldn't place it about her, but it was different, a sadness complied by years and decades of pressure and collected thought. "Hey, novia," I cooed, grabbing her. Edward just looked back at us, his face a frown. She rested her head on my shoulder, hand in my hair. I did the only thing I could; I took a step towards our family and kissed her head. I heard the car door shut, but Edward didn't follow. "Happy birthday!" shouts echoed as we walked inside. The living room was decorated with banners and balloons, purple and yellow butterflies abundant. Maya smiled, but kept her head on my shoulder. Everyone took their turns hugging and kissing her. Emmett held her above his head, almost to the ceiling like an airplane, earning a small giggle. It was always surprising to see a man so scary, opposing even, melt under a girl that literally came up to his knee. Alice chatted with her, swinging her around as she danced with her. Rosalie hugged her tightly as they gave each other butterfly kisses. Jasper swung her up by her arms, throwing her around, earning more giggles. Esme gave her raspberries, followed by kisses, and Carlisle pulled her pigtails gently and shared an Eskimo kiss. Edward came in from the car, carrying our suitcases and a bag for Maya. He hugged me as they passed her around, wishing happy birthdays. The bags fell on the ground beside him, and he hugged me tightly. His hand behind my head, he pressed me to his chest, and let me breathe. I felt his muscles moving, pulling and pushing gravity to protect me. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and for the first time since I'd known him, since our weak hug so long ago, I hugged him. He didn't say anything else, as I pulled away, and grabbed Maya. Instead, he picked up our bags, and allowed Esme to direct him to the guest rooms upstairs. One had been permanently mine, even though most nights I stayed, I'd end up in Alice's bed, giggling and whispering secrets and dreams. "So, we've got presents, cake, games, and lots of good stuff that all birthdays must have," Alice prattled as Maya gripped my shirt and hair again. I felt her forehead in the crook of my neck. "I think Maya would like to go swimming," I mentioned. She lifted her head and looked at me. Behind her calm eyes rested a smile. "I mean, that's why we came up here anyway. We can do presents tonight after dinner and cake." Everyone agreed and dispersed to get swim clothes on, as Esme and Carlisle elected to go into town to pick up the cake and see when Charlie would be getting off of work. I carried Maya with me to my room to get ready. "Are you ready to go play in the water?" I asked her with a smile. She nodded. A present rested on our bed. 'Do not open until before bed. This is for Maya and Bella. Love, Edward.' Was attached in gentle looping letters. I smiled as I ran my fingers along the edges of the gold and silver paper. I dressed Maya in her new swimsuit Alice insisted on getting her. I pulled on my white bikini Alice had also insisted on getting, claiming I had to get sun. I was sick of getting sun. I heard everyone at the water already, music playing and giggles and screams echoing as each of the couples regressed to teenagers, the boys throwing the girls into the deep, cold water from the pier. A knock on our door made me jump, and suddenly feel self-conscious. "You guys ready for some beach fun?" Edward smiled, leaning against the door. He wore white board shorts, stripped with black and green lines, and they rested dangerously low, tauntingly low. I felt my eyes travel from the hair leading lower, to his belly button, to his abs, to his broad chest, to his sculpted shoulders. His hair was just as crazed as ever, like a flame in the wind, his eyes just as warm, and his features somehow gentler. I'd never realized before that he was beautiful. I held Maya on my hip, covering me somewhat. I hadn't been afraid of anyone seeing me before, but standing in front of Edward suddenly made me thoughtful. "Of course," I nodded, gulping and following him outside. He grabbed three towels, two cans of 47

Coke and a juice box, and a tube of sunscreen. I sat Maya on a beach chair when we reached everyone, and began to apply the lotion. Her skin was already sun-kissed, and I was sure she wouldn't burn, but that didn't stop the giant mothering voice in my mind from years ago telling me her skin would shrivel and melt off if I didn't put the lotion on her. "Could you do my back?" Edward motioned as he put some on his front. He was paler than I had expected, but then again, I'd never thought of him before. "I'll do yours." I nodded as he turned around. I let Maya play in the sand as I turned to him. Edward's shoulders prickled with gooseflesh as I ran the cold liquid across them. I'd never realized how big he was. I traced each muscle line, and as he shifted, I watched them roll around beneath his skin, fascinated. "Don't miss a spot," he threw over his shoulder with a smile. It broke me from my trance as I finished and turned, pulling my hair up into a high ponytail and offered myself meekly to him. His hands were big, covering my shoulders with long graceful fingers, and I felt the pressure as he not only applied the lotion, but massaged it deeper. I knew it was applied on every inch, but I let him continued to explore, to run his fingers along the protrusions of my scapula, along my spine. I gulped and tried to forget the adjectives I had used to describe him in my mind. "All done," he smiled to me. He knelt in front of Maya. "Are you ready to show me how good of a swimmer you are?" he asked, gone from the distraction of skin. Maya looked at me then went back to playing in the sand. "Mama swim too," she whispered. "You want Mama in the water first?" he asked, a giant crooked smile appearing. She nodded and pointed to her family already splashing in the distance. Edward whispered in her ear and she smiled. Before I knew it, he stood and walked over to me, like a predator. I was stuck. "Maya said you had to go in before she would." "I'll carry her in, we can float-" I was cut off by his arms behind my shoulder and knees. Maya giggled as she stood and watched Edward carry me, trying to wiggle from his grasp. "She told me to make you smile," he grinned, throwing me over his shoulder. "Edward, don't you dare!" I screeched. "Maya, you trickster!" I laughed and pretended to slap Edward to get free. I watched him enter the water, upside down. Maya watched from the edge, her feet finally touching the water, her face finally smiling. Before I knew it, I was covered in cold water. I shot up quickly to take a breath as my ass hit sand. Edward ran back to the shore, grabbing Maya as they both laughed. I sputtered and smoothed my hair back, trying not to smile as I walked out. "Oh, you really think this is funny, huh?" I asked as I grabbed Maya. She squealed against the coldness of my body. I walked back into the water, her on my hip. She tried to escape the water, laughing the whole time. "Ah, Mama!" she yelled happily. As soon as I was waist deep, I dipped gently, enough to get her shoulders. She splashed happily. Edward followed us, kneeling down also. "Splash Edward," I whispered, kissing her cheek. She laughed and began to attack him with water. He fell back, laughing slightly. "Hey, not fair," he added as I joined her. He ducked under the water, and was gone for a second. "Where he go?" Maya said as she caught her breath. Before I could answer, I felt arms around my waist as Maya and I were both pulled up from the water by a green eyed monster. Her squeals were only added to by my own. "I've got you both now!" Edward cried aloud, laughing evilly. He pulled us a little deeper before finally dropping us. "Hold your breath!" Maya did as she was told, fingers on her nose. We were under for a split second. "Edward!" we both shouted as we came up. He smiled at us innocently. 48

"Maya!" Emmett shouted as he paddled over to us, Jasper in tow. The girls had decided to tan instead of playing in the water. "What are you doing, little fish?" "I no fish," she scolded Emmett as I pushed some stray hair from her forehead. "You look like a fishy," he answered, taking her from my reluctant hands. He put her on his shoulders and he put her hands under his chin and he paddled back to shore. "Tia Rose!" Maya called, waving as he saw her. "Tio Em's a fishy!" Rose and Alice laughed and waved from the shore as Emmett walked on his hands and knees around, Maya splashing him. "I'm sorry I threw you in," Edward startled me, as I found the best joy in watching my daughter laugh. "I just wanted to see you both smile." He floated, treading a few feet from me. "It's ok," I responded. "I wasn't mad." He just smiled and floated a little more. I couldn't hide the urge to splash him, and again, we were caught in a splashing war. Soon enough, he submerged, and I tried to swim in an opposite direction, before he grabbed me. I was too late. I felt a hand on my feet, and I was pulled back against a hard chest. My legs wrapped around him of their own defenses. Edward pulled us out of the water, bobbing slightly. I pushed his shoulders down in victory, dunking him. He came up smiling. "Mama!" Maya's voice distracted me. "Look!" I caught her, standing on top of Emmett's shoulders as he kneeled in the water. She jumped, his hands still attached to hers, and made a splash in the water. She popped up, sputtering happily. Edward and I clapped as we made our way to the shallower water. We spent the whole afternoon in the sun and water, splashing, swimming, laughing. Maya loved it. Emmett didn't let her go the whole day, making sure she was safe and not going to deep. It was cute to see. They dug holes with Jasper, and let the water fill them to make little pools, built sand mounds that they called castles as the girls looked on and smiled. Eventually, I realized I was getting hungry, as much as Maya wouldn't admit it, she must be too. The girls packed up their books and towels and the boys followed, everyone splitting to shower and get ready for dinner. I wrapped Maya in her towel tightly. "Did you have fun, pescado?" I asked, as she sat wrapped in a towel, and I started to wrap one around myself. "No soy un pescado," she laughed. "When we come back?" "Tomorrow, we can come play again," I told her, catching Edward out of the corner of my eye. He toweled his hair, then his chest. "Tonight we are going to have cake." "More cake?" she asked excitedly. "What do you mean, more cake?" Edward asked as I picked her up and started to walk towards the house. "You guys have been holding out on me?" he pouted. "Me and Maya had a big cupcake for breakfast," I explained. "Our own birthday." He nodded with a smile. "My mom did that with me," he explained. "She would wake me up with my own cake, and we'd sit in bed eating it. Every year she told me about the day she had me. She said it was the first time she ever fell in love at first sight, and today was a celebration for us." Edward sounded sad. I nodded, knowing the tone. "I never really had a birthday with my mom," I shook my head, trying to forget it. Edward nodded as I had. We reached the house finally, and parted ways to shower and get dressed. I hopped in the shower with Maya, hoping to get finished quickly. I could tell she was getting tired, and I wanted her to make it through dinner and cake and presents. "What would you like to wear, novia?" I asked as I toweled her on the bed. She stood and pulled clothes from her bag, but came up with nothing. "Where's it?" she asked, looking at me sadly. "Where's what?" I asked, confused, as I slipped on jeans and a t-shirt. She didn't answer, just dug 49

around more before pulling out her sweatshirt. I didn't question her, just helped her put it on, rolling the sleeves up and tying the bottom and back, like a dress. "Are you ready for pizza?" I asked as I brushed her long hair, arguing with myself if it was time to get it cut. Maya sighed and rested against my chest. For a second, I held her here, remembering this moment from her birthday over every other one. Diner was nice. I held Maya, as she didn't want to be away from me. She ate pizza while I made conversation for us. Everyone understood, after seeing her, that she was tired, and in a distant place. We opened presents, with Maya perking slightly, giving everyone hugs and kisses for their presents. It was an impressive haul, actually. A new bike, a mountain of clothes, lots of dolls, a library of children's stories. We dimmed the lights and she blew out her candles. I wanted to cry for some reason. In the dark, with candlelight only, all rooms look the same, and amidst the flickering flame as Maya stared at her cake and the words bounced through the house, I saw tiny faces illuminated a pale glow as they sang to me. I hugged her tighter. For a third birthday, I assumed this was probably a really good one, and thanked everyone as I moved Maya upstairs after cake. "Did you have a happy birthday?" I asked as I pulled the sheets down on the bed and grabbed a book from my bag. "Am I yours forever?" Maya asked, snuggling under the fluffy yellow comforter. "Forever and ever," I promised, grabbing the present that rested at the foot of the bed, and throwing the book in my hand back on the floor. "Good," Maya sighed, her face finally relieved. "Very merry day." "Ready to open your last present?" I asked, plopping down beside her. She nodded and crawled into my lap. I let her pull the paper away slowly. I saw the journal and for the briefest of seconds, I didn't realize what it was. "What's it?" Maya asked, opening the cover and running her fingers over the pictures inside. "It's a made up story I wrote a long time ago," I told her, flipping through the pages with her. I framed the pictures with my fingers; as if I could feel each person they held. I didn't realize I was crying until a sob shook my body. Edward had it the whole time. He most likely read it. It was all pity. "No," Maya whispered, turning to look at me. "No cry." I couldn't stop though. Sobs shook my body as I looked at the pictures, at everything it represented. Tears started to silently make her cheeks glitter. I forced myself to stop crying. "Maya, I love you, no matter what," I whispered, rocking us back and forth. "Please don't cry." I wiped my own face before kissing her cheeks, her tears. Her eyes were glassy, but she nodded. "I love you, Mama," she promised. I pushed the journal away, closing it and throwing it on the floor. "Sleep?" I asked her, a fake happiness to my voice. She sniffled but nodded. "Beso?" I asked, to which she gave me a small kiss. "Te amo," I whispered, getting under the covers with her, still in my jeans. Maya twisted and turned until she got comfortable against my side. I rubbed her back, whispering, "The day you were born the day of paradise When bloom smiles charmingly Says happy birthday to you Fragrant blossom of spring When the stars twinkle twinkle Says happy birthday to you The dazzling pearl When the sky wears a rainbow Says happy birthday to you 50

The queen of colours When the cuckoo sings melodious Says happy birthday to you The sweetest of rhythms When the heart pray of peace Says happy birthday to you The princess of hearts When the soul slumber soundless Says happy birthday to you The dream of the dawn" Maya's breathing went even eventually, as my voice continued, praying the whole poem to her heart. I lay in bed, listening to her, yet in my own world. I made my feet move, after an hour, and slipped out of bed. "I'm going to go for a walk," I whispered, knocking on Alice's door. "Would you listen for Maya?" "Sure, are you alright?" She asked. I nodded and gave her a smile. The night was warm, though the breeze made it cooler than the day. I sat on the beach, listening to a gentle lapping of water on soil. I listened to the trees seeing and whisper as the stars glittered like pinpricks in the night. For a second, I was back, and the men with guns were gone. This was where the Good went, when they were set free. Footsteps behind me made me stand quickly, still in the mindset of home. "I didn't mean to scare you," Edward's voice floated to me, delivered on the breeze. His frame was easy to make out against the moonlit beach. I hated him. "Go away," I sighed, shaking my head. "So you got my present?" he asked, coming forward instead of retreating. I nodded, willing the tears to stay away. "Why did you lie to me?" I muttered, my arms crossing my chest against the prickles of the breeze. "Why are you even here?" "I don't know," he responded, killing two birds with one stone. "You read it, didn't you?" I asked, barely finding my words. I felt him nod, his shoulder next to mine. I felt the anger rage inside of me. I turned to him, the sand pulling my feet to stay. "I'm sorry," he muttered, his eyes full of sadness. "Maya and I are fine. We don't need your pity. We're not a charity case, and we're not some distraction for some asshole Hollywood actor as he waits for the next piece of ass to come his way or his next movie to drop," I sneered, opting for hate rather than forgiveness. "Whatever you read, I suggest you forget it. I'm not in those pages, you haven't figured me out, and I don't want your fucking pity. Maya is my life now, and I'm doing my best to forget everything else. We don't need you. Don't feel obligated, and don't use us to make yourself feel," I stopped, poking his chest and pushing him away from me. "We're not your family. I can't believe you read it. It was none of your business." Edward's hands held mine to my side so I would stop hitting him. "Why are you here?" I cried, over and over again. "Leave us alone. Just leave us alone." My voice was a quiet begging noise. "I'm not sorry I read it, and I need you both, even if you don't need me," he whispered. "I have no idea who you are, Bella, but I know that I need you. I need you so much, it hurts." I didn't listen to him, just pulled my arms from his grasp. "You're an actor, you lie for a living," I spat at him. "Just go away." Edward didn't move away, as I had asked him to, instead he took a step towards me. I saw his jaw, tightly set, his muscles tight everywhere. He grabbed my face, his hands almost fists against my jaw. I couldn't move. A second later, he filled his lungs and pressed his lips against mine, a passionate CPR. There was nothing sweet or tender here, in the mashing of his lips against mine, tears and anger raging between us both. There was nothing. My eyes looked at him, his shut tightly, tighter than could ever me imagined. It was awkward, it was real. 51

My lips relaxed as my eyes shut as tightly as his did. His grip on me didn't relax and soon my hands grabbed his hair, pulling the roots in giant handfuls from the nape of his neck. My body pressed against his as I took a deep breath and stood on my tip toes, to force his mouth open, to reach into him, to taste him. It was all I needed. Edward pulled away, to fill his lungs again. He kissed me gently, again and again and again, his lips sticking to my own, short quick reaffirming. My hands stayed in his hair, holding to the moment as much as him. If this was fleeting, I didn't have long. "What have I done?" I whispered, his eyes opening into my own. "Lived," he responded.

52

Chapter 9
Bella didn't move when I kissed her, just stood tenser than before. I didn't care. If this was the one chance I had, than I was going to give it everything I had. I didn't know what made me kiss her, as she screamed and yelled at me, as she spouted off these things that I would never think, these lies and notions that made me want to scream back at her, but I did. I kissed her because it was the only proper response. It felt foreign and awkward, her lips tight beneath my own, searching for any sort of response. It hit me hard then, that I had just ruined everything. I needed her, and by saying it I made it true. I was about to pull away, defeated, until her hands pulled at my hair and pushed me closer than I though possible. I tasted the salt of her tears, mixed with what can only be described as Bella. Her tiny body was against my own as she looked for more from me. As she stood here now, staring at me after our cryptic exchange, I wanted to kiss her again. My lips felt cold not on hers. She finally came to her senses and let my antagonized scalp have some reprieve as she slithered away from me. I wanted to hold her, but I didn't push my luck. "I'm sorry," she whispered, distancing her body from my own. "I'm not," I responded. "I've wanted to do that since I saw you in your apartment." "Stop it," she scolded me. "This, isn't happening." She motioned between us. "You're going all over the place, an actor. I have a kid. I won't let Maya get hurt again. So just stop it. I hate you." Her words felt like knives. I only wanted to hurt her more, so I kissed her again. I held my face mere inches from her before letting my fingertips brush along her cheeks, to her eyelids, gently closing them. I let my lips trail along hers, tasting her failing breaths, feeling her soft lips below my own. This time, when I kissed her, she responded immediately, moving with me, opening to let me taste her, to feel her deeper than before. It was my moment. I was conquered in that moment. I was spoiled. I was taught that everything I'd ever known didn't matter. Everything fell apart, everything that kept me as the douchebag actor, the guy who made millions and threw women away like old pieces of gum, evaporated. I became sustained. "You don't hate me," I ventured to introduce as her lips sought my own. "I do," she nodded, kissing me this time. It was short, it was sweet; it was a kiss you give thoughtlessly in the morning as you send the other off to work, absent and something perfected over years of reassuring, needy, throaty kisses. It was a contradiction. "Why do you hate me?" I asked, becoming less confident, my eyes searching for the answers on her cheeks. "Because you make me feel. I'd rather not feel." Bella took another step backwards, away from my touch. "What if I swear to never let either of you get hurt, ever again," I offered, quite seriously. I hoped I could keep the promise. Bella scoffed. "I love Maya, with all of my heart." "No," Bella shook her head. "I love Maya, with all of my heart. You are a babysitter." She was trying to hurt me, to make me run away. There would be no more kisses tonight. Now, there would be words that were sharpened to a point for a reason. Bella was waving fire, I was a wild animal on the prowl. "You know you are just trying to make me afraid of you," I stated. "I don't need you to believe me tonight. I'll show you." I didn't look back at Bella, but made my way back to the house. When I reached the door, I found her sitting on the beach again, as if everything that had just occurred never came to pass. 53

I had no idea what I was doing, honestly. I threw myself on the bed, hoping to let sleep take me away from this state. I had work in the morning, the cast and crew meet and greet and some table reads. I should have gotten some sleep. Time had other plans though, running quickly away from me as I was stuck thinking about Bella and Maya. The kiss, was like a switch, making me want her even more. When I had watched her, all yesterday, just like every day, she oozed this sexiness that she was completely unaware of, whether it was the way she constantly wiggled against me, or sat on my lap as we hung out with everyone and there were no more open seats, or when she applied sun tan lotion to my back. It was tortured, to feel her touching me, and not looking at me the same way I looked at her. When I actually got to touch her, I could feel her respond to me, giving me hope that she might have some hidden feelings. Tonight, as I kissed her, it came rushing back to me that she never noticed me. Bella never gave me a second glance. When she kissed me back, I knew she'd be mine. I drifted off to sleep as the sun came up, thinking of Bella, of her in that sinful white bikini that clung to her hips and chest, begging to be untied. I dreamt of tasting her, fresh out of the water as she lay on a beach towel in the twilight, her skin glowing and radiant, her hands on me. I woke to Emmett knocking on my door. I was on top of my comforter, still in my clothes. I gave up and followed him downstairs, not opting to change. Bella's bedroom door was open, and it looked as if no one had ever been there. For a second, I thought that it had all been a dream, that Bella never existed, that I had made her up completely. I followed Emmett, almost hoping that I wasn't completely infatuated with a woman who refused to notice me. "How long do you think we'll off at this shoot?" Emmett asked as he walked towards the kitchen. "Probably all day, but I'll get us out of there as soon as I can," I mumbled, catching an open room I hadn't noticed. "Come get me when you're done with breakfast," I shouted as he kept walking down the hallway. I sat down at the piano bench, surrounded by windows and stacks of books. I didn't hear his response as he continued towards the food. I let my hands fun along the ivory keys. I continued along with the false notion that Bella was just a dream, and none of it were real, and that I could be happy, right here, right now. I played a few notes, allowing them to ring out in the silence of the room. They were absolute, constantly the same noises that I could mold, that I could change. It might have been lack of sleep, it might have been emotional exhaustion, it might have been the fact that I was completely crazy, finally, completely, but I gave up at that moment. I forgot about yesterday, about kissing Bella so hard I felt it still, about the fact that I was wrapped so tightly around a little girl's finger that I would gladly give my left arm for her if she asked it. That didn't exist. I let my fingers wonder over the keys, playing familiar melodies and lacing them with new ideas as my mind drifted back to the beach, to Bella's body beneath me. I played it all until my fingers ached, not used to playing much anymore. "That was pretty," Bella's voice pulled me from a trance as I sat, still and unwavering until the last hint of the last note disappeared. I turned to find her grinning at the door. I gave her a weak smile and moved so she could sit beside me on the bench. Her vanilla strawberry scent consumed me for a second. "I thought you and Maya left," I muttered, my hands still gliding over the keys reverentially. Last night never happened. "We're spending the day at Charlie's after breakfast. He doesn't get to see her nearly enough, and I miss him," she sighed. "That'll be nice," I added. "About last night, Edward," she finally started, the speech I knew would come. I sighed and shook 54

my head before letting my fingers drop to my lap. "You're going to tell me it was a mistake, and it shouldn't have happened," I started for her. "That you don't think of me as anything more than a friend, you have too much baggage, and I'm, well, I'm me. You're going to say that we have no future except one of pain and potential hurt, and that you are beyond repair and only have room in your life for Maya." "Yes," she nodded, her lips tight. "And I'm going to respond that none of that matters," I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm Edward Cullen, actor, and I'm completely infatuated by you, Bella Swan, humanitarian and English teacher, as well as your daughter, Maya. You make me do things I don't ever do, and you make me feel things I've never felt. I'd rather feel hurt than nothing at all. I don't want to take you away from Maya, I just want you, and for the life of me, I have no idea why." Bella sat there as she ran through the conversation I animated for us to save time. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "My answer is final. If you can't be around us after this, then I understand." "I couldn't be away," I responded. She stood to leave, kissing my cheek as she did. It was a goodbye. "If it makes it better," she started, pausing at the door and running her small hand along the crown molding. "I wish the situation was different. A different life, and I'd be yours." "It doesn't," I whispered, so low she walked away without hearing. Bella's parting words echoed through my mind like a sick joke that everyone continues to repeat until it's lost all meaning and you're just forced to laugh along anyway. No one wants to be the one who doesn't understand the joke. So I did, I laughed along anyway. But I never wished for a different life, or a resolve to our situation. I could never wish for that, for something that would take Maya away, that would make Bella less raw, or less of whoever she was. I still held onto that hope though, that she'd be mine. I got up and went to work. I did that again the next day. I even went as far as to do it again the day after that and decided I could make a habit of it. We returned to Seattle, and the day in the sun, where Bella's body called to me as it sparkled with water droplets, where Maya learned to swim like a fish, that day disappeared. The night though, the night that tore me apart, remained. "Do you think everyone back at San Simon is alright?" Bella whispered one night as she sat on the hood of my car, staring into the Seattle skyline. I would be late for work, but when she told me the view was beautiful tonight, I sat there with her. "Yes," I responded after thinking carefully. Bella nodded, as if my words were finalizing. "I hope so," she mused. "You don't talk about it much, you know?" I pried. The summer was passing, and as much as Bella avoided me, we still spent more time together than anyone else in her little family. She was usually always on guard around me, but through cracks and slips I came to have real moments with her. "There's not much to say that you don't already know, right?" she snapped back. "There's always more to a story that the words on the pages," I responded gently. Again she just nodded. "Your heart feels good, dripping in pitch," she told me, turning her head on her knees, laying it there and staring at me in the night. "Burn me," I whispered, staring back at her. Bella smiled. Bella never said anything about it, but I read into every word and action as if she still thought about 55

it as much as I did. I watched her lick her lips, and I watched her watch me lick mine. I listened to her, picking up on times of sadness and times of pure joy. I could tell that at times, all she wanted was to be around Maya, and her daughter had the same need, as if they were soul mates, destined to save each other, and sensed the holes within each other. I watched as Bella found peace when she kissed Maya goodnight, and as she'd walk me out so I could go to work, she would be happier, almost willing life to stay that way. "So, I think I'm going to apply for a teaching position at a St. Thomas' High School," Bella stated one day as I gave Maya a bath before I had to run to my shoots for the night. She sat on the edge of the sink, sipping from a bottle of water. "That'd be amazing," I smiled, happy Bella was thinking about teaching again. She never talked about Guatemala, and I didn't dare ask. "I'm nervous," she conceded, staring at me with a puppy dog pout that made me want to hold her until she knew she'd be fine. "Don't be," I scolded her, tipping Maya's head back to rinse the shampoo from her hair. I listened to her whisper to herself about men who were sheep who were trees who were squids. "You'll get it." "If only we got everything we'd want," she sighed, staring at Maya and smiling. "'If only, if only,' the moon speaks no reply, reflecting the sun and all that's gone by. Be strong, my weary wolf, turn around boldly. Fly high, my baby bird, my angel, my only," I responded and smiled at her. "I pity the moon," she stared at me now, the smile faint. "For all it has to see." "It pities us for the same reasons," I concluded. I worked at night, at first, spending hours and hours in front of cameras, followed by hours and hours around Maya in the mornings. I took to taking naps with her, and numerous times awoke to Bella leaning in the doorway watching us both snuggle against each other. "Tell me a story," the tiny girl begged as we cuddled into Bella's bed for a nap. I was exhausted after having next to no sleep in the past few days. "What story?" I asked, playing dumb as I stroked her hair. I was in love with this child. "A good one," she answered with a small yawn. "It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; -And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. She was a child and I was a child, In this kingdom by the sea, But we loved with a love that was more than love-- I and my Annabel Lee-With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me," I whispered this as I rubbed Maya's back, her breathing slowing as she fought against heavy eyes. I closed my own, letting the world go black. "But our love it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we-Of many far wiser than we- And neither the angels in Heaven above, Nor the demons down under the sea, Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee." Bella's voice drifted into my dreams as she finished the poem. I felt her hand push hair from my face, in this dream of mine. When I awoke, she was asleep beside me. Her mahogany hair fanned about around her, and somehow, Maya had ventured between us, her head resting on Bella's arm, her hand rooted in my shirt. We were connected, and for a sick, masochistic moment, I let myself pretend. Life passed, and Bella fully resolved herself to forgetting me. She wrapped herself in Maya and her life, moving out and finding a full time teaching position at a private high school. She gave Seth's 56

mother, Sue, her job as Esme's office. Bella grew and worked hard, and I merely followed like a puppy, waiting for her to notice. "I got it!" Bella's voice made Maya hop off my lap at the kitchen table as we drew pictures and bolt for the door. I watched Bella swing her up, hug her, and put kisses all over her face. "Mama!" Maya answered, not caring what Bella got. "Maya, do you know what this means?" Bella danced with her daughter, dipping her and clutching her. Maya just smiled and shook her head. "We're figuring this out. It's getting better." "Better!" Maya screamed, her laugh dominating. "You got the job?" I asked, smiling happily as Bella tried to catch her breath. Before I knew it, she hugged me, Maya still on her hip. I hugged her back, tight. "I got the job!" she whispered. "Great!" I shouted, just as happy. We were a family, in the moment. When I finally took a look in the mirror, I realized it was too late. And life doesn't wait. And neither does death.

57

Chapter 10
"Mama!" Maya's cheerful voice echoed from Alice's apartment as I threw the door open. I'd never get sick of hearing her call me that. My world zeroed in, and my perspective went clear. This was what I made every decision for, to have a little girl run to my arms at the end of the day and love me, with all of her heart, no matter what, because I loved her even more. "Hey, novia," I laughed, picking her up with a hug and a kiss. Tiny arms wrapped around my neck as a face found its place in my hair and neck. "I missed you." "I missed you," she responded, flashing me that smile over her painfully dull eyes. I know she hated to be away from me, just as much as I hated to be away from her, but I had to work. It wasn't getting easier, but it was bearable. "How was my girl today, Alice?" I asked, finally looking over at my grinning best friend. Alice was my saving grace, picking up the slack after Edward disappeared last Friday night. We hadn't heard from him since, and I assumed it was something to do with his movie or some crazy actor ritual. I didn't have ownership on Edward Cullen. "Great," Alice laughed. "She had all the models going crazy after how cute she was at the boutique." "Thanks, Alice," I gave her a hug as I grabbed Maya's backpack and we made our way back to the front door. "I guess I'm just the queen of bad timing." "No, it was nothing," she grinned. "Have you heard from Edward?" I shook my head and she knew to let the subject drop. "He sure knows when to go missing though, huh?" I asked, making light of it. Maya's daycare was closed for two weeks for renovations, and I had counted on Edward to be around, like he always was; he was Edward, he was always there. Since that night so many weeks ago, I tried to put my feelings for Edward away, in a distant cave in the back of my mind where it was guarded by tigers and starved attack dogs. It didn't work. Every day, I saw him with Maya, I talked to him, he touched me, he understood, he distracted and confounded me. He wasn't just 'around', he was Edward. "What are you going to do tomorrow?" Alice leaned against the doorjamb as I carried Maya out into the warm afternoon sunlight. "I'm not sure," I shook my head, but offered a smile. "I'll talk to you later. Tell Jasper thanks for his books, the kids needed them for their projects." Alice just nodded, blew Maya a kiss, and closed the door. I walked down the steps and buckled Maya into the back of my car. Charlie had graciously helped me trade in my truck, and get a much more practical 'mom' car, as Emmett liked to call it. Driving in anything other than a jeep still felt foreign to me, even after three months of being back in civilization. Maya was quiet as she made shadows with her fingers from the sunlight that was quickly becoming more golden than pure yellow brightness. Not five minutes away, I parked in front of a little white town home, and sighed. Our home wasn't big or extravagant like Edward's apartment, or even Alice's, but it was home, our home, and we could afford it and we were happy. "Jesus, Bella, I think you only keep me around because I'm incredibly strong and rugged to the point that all masculinity bows down to me," Edward laughed, carrying Maya on his shoulders and a giant box in his arms. He had two blockbusters, millions in the bank, and homes in LA, Seattle, London, and NY, and here he was, holding my daughter, helping me move into a tiny townhouse about a block away from the 58

school I'd be teaching senior English at. Maya's hand's rooted in his hair to keep her balance, and I instantly thought of doing the same thing, of the night I pulled him so close, I didn't think I'd ever let go. But I promised myself to forget that. It was a dream and nothing more. Edward couldn't handle my life, and I couldn't handle his. He was the babysitter, he was the best friend that helped us out, but he most certainly was not a man that I was falling in love with. He knew my dirtiest secrets, he read what I saw, and he thought he felt what I felt; he had no idea. "How'd you know?" I nudged his ribs as he walked inside. He gave me a wink, and I was just thankful to not let my knees give. "Ok, Maya, what should we have for dinner?" I asked as I unbuckled her and followed her into the house. She kicked her shoes off at the door, and I gladly followed. School had been in session for two and a half weeks, and I already felt like I'd never keep up with my kids and their reading, let alone my daughter and her agendas. "Nana's," she smiled at me. I just shook my head and walked into the kitchen, electing instead to make spaghetti. I heard Maya playing on the electric keyboard Edward set up in the living room, that he gave her lessons on everyday. He was a talented musician, and hearing him play, watching his fingers move so deftly, the look he'd get on his face, as his eyes would shut, and this sense of peace washed over him, was one of my favorite things to do. We had dinner, Maya telling me a crazy story of a far away land with lots of clouds that was ruled by elephants, and she had to walk and talk like one so they wouldn't eat her, until a strong knight came to rescue her. I smiled and egged her on, adding and asking questions. Her imagination never ceased to amaze me. Soon after, we lost ourselves playing counting games and working on coloring pictures. The times like this, working with Maya as she thirsted to know everything, as we sat laughing in our own world were the most fleeting, and therefore the most precious. Before I wanted it to be true, it was time for bath and bedtime stories. It had taken a while for us to get used to, Maya having her own bedroom. She loved her room though, the pale purple walls with butterflies hanging from the ceiling and painted in vibrant hues from the wall. It was a princess room, marred only by a Dodger poster that hung on her closet door, a necessity from Edward. I cuddled into her soft purple comforter with her in my arms, and read her favorite book, Where the Wild Things Are, making roaring noises as we gnashed our terrible teeth and howled our terrible song. It was weird to think that if this was four months ago, we'd be sitting in a cot, listening to shrieks and gunfire. More and more, as I strived to make Maya happy, to establish our healthy new life, I found myself turning from el Rio Dulce and Jacob and the kids. I couldn't carry the weight of their faces with the weight of Maya's happiness. I was a pack mule that just wasn't good at her job. I remembered them, every day, but I hid the hurt better. "Beso?" I whispered as the yawning girl gave me a sleepy kiss. She clutched Edward's sweatshirt still, nuzzling it with her tired head. "I love you, Maya." "I love you, Mama," she responded with a faint smile. I could cry, every time I was blessed enough to hear that. I gently turned her nightlight on, one that was a mobile and twirled and produced pictures of dinosaurs on the walls in a dim glow, and turned her reading lamp off as I crept over toys and discarded shoes towards the door. I never closed our doors, as they were right across from each other. I couldn't bear to think of her too far away. There were nights that she still crept into my room and snuggled into my bed, but they were special nights, not every time. We were reaching and striving for normalcy. I threw on sweats and an old t-shirt before heading down stairs to clean. I picked up toys, folded clothes, wiped down the kitchen, and made sure we both had clothes, lunches, and breakfast ready for 59

the morning. It was comforting for me to do, nothing tedious, just normal. I hated the night though. As I settled on the couch, a pile of quizzes on the coffee table, the TV shouting something in the background, I realized everything I hated, and it scared me. At night, there were no more distractions. Maya was the safest she could me, tucked away dreaming about a world she'd tell me about tomorrow, one where horses talked like bunny rabbits, and dinosaurs let her ride their backs, and she was happy. I had nothing else to take me away from the flashes and wonderings of Guatemala, as I routinely checked questions. Instead I was thrashed by memories and decisions. Lately, the most prominent of which had consisted of Edward Cullen. I wondered where he was, what happened to him, and why he never called back. I wanted to believe that he had met a model and ran away to have a passionate affair on some distant French beach, but my mind repulsed the concept. I wanted to trick myself into thinking that, because then he'd be gone, over us, and dead. I finished grading, and after a long yawn and stretch, I did my final lap around the house, locking and checking doors and windows, picking up anything I'd missed, and making sure Maya's backpack and my bag were waiting by the front door with shoes. I clicked the final light off, the glow from the front porch my guide as I maneuvered towards the stairs. I made it to the sixth one before a knock on the door made my body freeze. It was eleven at night, and if it were anyone I knew, they would have called if it were important. I felt my blood pooling in awkward spots and retention ponds in my body, making me sweat and feel chill all at once. I froze until there was another knock, harder and irregular, followed by a man's voice, talking loudly. I crept towards the door, hoping to not make a noise as I grabbed the Louisville slugger resting behind it, a move-in gift courtesy of Emmett. I tried to peak out the viewer, but a familiar stock of brazen auburn hair rested there, burning my view. I gripped the bat tightly still before unlocking each lock and opening the door. As soon as I did, Edward's body staggered from it's leaning position, and fell into my foyer. The thud of an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels combined with the stench of rotting liver made me look at him with disgust. I closed the door quickly, locking it once again. I looked at Edward, as he kept still on my carpet. I picked up the bottle and quickly dumped the rest of it down the sink in the kitchen. Edward smelled as if he'd had enough to kill an elephant. "Edward?" I nudged him with the bat, eliciting a tiny groan. "What the fuck are you doing here?" "Bella?" he asked, his eyes searching the carpet for me. I finally set the bat down and knelt beside him. He rolled over, with what looked like a lot of effort. I gasped audibly, unaccustomed to brutality anymore, let alone on Edward. "What the hell happened to you?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. Edward's right eye was swollen, completely shut and discolored already with a laceration over his eyebrow. His nose looked broken, more crooked than I was used to, already bruising below the skin, his jaw was bruised also, cut up and bleeding. His clothes were discolored, dirty and completely covered with blood that I wasn't altogether convinced was completely Edward's as I looked at his knuckles and noticed how cut and bruised they were becoming. "What have you done to me?" Edward asked, a small dreamy smile on his lips. "I don't know what you're saying, Edward," I reminded him, running my hands along his temple, pushing gritted hair out of his cuts. He sat up now, still woozy and completely disoriented. I steadied him the best I could, but it was difficult. The smell of alcohol oozed from every pore, as if he'd been stewing in it for the past four days. "Where the hell is Emmett? Where have you been? What happened?" I threw at him, cupping his cheek and staring into his one open eye as if I'd find him in there. 60

"I tried," he muttered, looking away from me as he tried to stand. "I tried really hard to fuck someone else. Really hard." I put his arm over my shoulder and steadied him. He winced and held his ribs, and I suspected they too were not their normal color. "But I couldn't. What have you done to me?" "I haven't done anything," I promised, moving him towards the stairs. "Let's get you to bed to sleep this off." "You make me love you," he whispered, one hand bracing against the wall as he worked so hard to lift his foot. "I'm sorry," I stated, not feeling. I wasn't going to take any drunken ramblings to heart. Edward abandoned us almost five days ago, without any word, and shows up on my porch, beaten and drunk. It wasn't love. "I'm so sick of hearing that," he spat. "You're not sorry. You love me. He loved me. They all love me, but no one does." "What are you talking about?" I asked again, straining under his weight as we crept up the stairs. I prayed Maya wouldn't wake up. I couldn't handle two clingy children tonight, and unfortunately for Edward, I'd choose Maya, as I promised him so long ago. "God," he moaned, letting his head roll back against his shoulders as we reached the top step. "I'm an orphan now. Will you finally love me?" His words hurt and surprised me, all at once making me want to throw him back down the steps and figure out what had happened. "What?" I asked as he leaned against the wall outside of my bedroom. "My dad had a heart attack," he whispered, his head drooping below his shoulders as I pinned them up on the wall. "I tried really hard," he muttered. "It'll be alright," I promised, hugging him tightly, using the wall as leverage. I felt him against me, and I could feel the pain. "I mean, this woman had tits that were just, out of this world," Edward moaned, not hugging me back. "And her ass, mmmm," he hummed, a devious smile on his lips at the memory. I wanted to throw up, horribly. "Ok, time to get cleaned up to sleep this off," I tried to move him again, but Edward wasn't going anywhere. He grabbed my shoulders and stared right at me. "But I didn't, Bella," he swore, his hands trailing to my neck, to my cheeks. "I could only think of your tits, and your ass, and your lips, and your everything." "Romantic," I laughed nervously, tossing it away with the wind. I tried to pull away but Edward kept his grip. "Make me feel?" he begged. Before I could answer, his lips were on mine, taking my breath away, pulling me painfully. I tasted the salty mix of blood and spit, I felt his cuts against my lips, but I didn't care, because it was a kiss I felt deeper than anything else. I pressed my hips into his, as we became a sandwich against the wall. Edward wasn't afraid to push me back either, his growing problem poking my stomach. I let him feel. "What have you done to me?" he asked again, pulling away after a second of frantic pulling and panting. He ran his thumbs along my lips, my breathing stopped. I kissed him again, against better judgment. I couldn't help it. I missed him. I wanted him to want my ass, my tits, my everything, just like I wanted his ass, his kiss, his everything. I pulled Edward's shirt, holding him to me as I rolled us towards my bedroom, never breaking the kiss. I finally got him to the bed, and as it kit the backs of his knees, he fell into it. I pressed my nose into his chest as he hitched his hands under my ass, placing it on his straining jeans. He pulled his hands to cup my cheek again, his thumbs running along my jaw line as he kissed me again, this time moving his hips, just as I moved mine. 61

"Will you love me tomorrow?" he asked, staring at me with sadness. "No," I answered, lying to him to protect us both. He nodded and pulled away, resting on the bed. "Will you ever?" his hands fell from my body. "Always," I whispered, stepping away from him. He nodded again, his eyes rolling back as he refused to look at me. "Just leave me alone," he sighed. His breath was heavy as it rattled not only his bones, but my own as well. His pain hurt me. "I wish I could," I responded. The moment was gone; the opportunity for a mistake had passed in the blink of an eye solely because I was afraid. I pulled Edward's shoes off along with his socks, followed by his shirt. His jeans were dirty, but I couldn't lift his dead weight. He wasn't helping me do anything, instead trying his damndest not to even look at me. "I wish I could hate you," he shook his head, nostrils flaring as he tried to breathe steadily. "I wish I could hate him. Instead you make me hate me." I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I'd learn long ago that my tears didn't heal the world or even mend hearts or souls. I grabbed a wet washcloth from my bathroom and after grabbing the first aid kit, went back to Edward on my bed. "If it makes you less sad, I'll take myself away from you," I stated as I ran the cold cloth against his chest, wiping away blood and grime. Edward shook his head, his chest staying full of air as I pressed delicately against the ribs. "You are the salt in my wounds," he whispered as I wrapped them in gauze and tape. I let my fingers glide along his skin, the soft, contradicting paleness. I wanted to kiss every inch. Edward moved himself so he was sitting with his head on my pillows, his feet no longer dangling over the edge at an awkward angle. I wet the washcloth and began to gently wash his face, taking extra care around the cuts. He kept his eye shut tightly, trying to avoid me still. Edward hissed against the coldness and pain, but I imagined the alcohol did a great job of numbing whatever he didn't want to feel. I dressed his cuts and bruises the best I could, hoping they wouldn't hurt him too much or scar. He had too many already. I returned everything and climbed back in bed. The light from Maya's nightlight occasionally slipped through my doorway. I let Edward rest his head on my chest, and I played with his hair, hushing him and telling him that everything was fine. He told me it wasn't, and I knew he was right. "My father was a bastard of a man," he stated as I massaged his scalp. "But now I have no one." "You have me," I whispered. "If only," he sighed. "Where did he go, Bella?" Edward's voice was thick, and I could feel its weight, hot and sticky against my chest. "He went where the Good goes, when it is set free," I choked. "Don't make me go away," Edward begged as he calmed slightly, as if he'd been looking for those words all night. "I couldn't, even if I wanted to," I promised. "You are the blood in my veins." "Is the situation different?" Edward asked, linking his fingers with my own that had begun to twist his hair, reveling in the smoothness. "No," I sighed. As much as I wanted it to be, nothing had changed.

62

Chapter 11
"Alright class," I greeted them with a smile after they seemed to settle somewhat. Twenty high school seniors stared back at me as their conversations slowed to nothing with lingering whispers. "Can anyone tell me what this is?" I asked, motioning to Maya, standing on the table in the front of the classroom. She had her book bag on, and stood still as a board. "That's what happens when you're a fool, and don't wrap your tool, right?" someone offered from the back of the class. The class snickered, and I couldn't help but laugh too. "Yes, sometimes it may be referred to as a mistake," I acknowledged. I would never think of Maya as such. She was the opposite. She was my purpose. "Any other guesses?" "A child?" a girl up front guessed. "Very good," I encouraged. "But, this is a special kind of child. This is what we professional education providers like to call a 'lost babysitter, closed daycare emergency' child. Are you following me, class?" I got a few smiles and a few cocked heads. "So, she's like, going to hang out with us today?" a girl in the front asked so eloquently. "Exactly," I nodded. "This is Maya. She's three years old." "I'm a penguin," my daughter added, flopping her arms out straight against her thighs and waddling slightly. The class laughed. That explained why she stood so still and straight. She waddled a few steps then back towards me. "And apparently today she's a penguin," I grinned as she wrapped her arms around me and I picked her up. "So, unless anyone wants detention, you will pretend to be whatever animal she assigns, and you will treat her kindly, right guys?" I asked authoritatively. "She's a little kid, so watch those potty mouths, and don't say anything you wouldn't feel comfortable saying in front of your mother, or a cop." "Won't you get in trouble if the dean comes in?" someone suggested. I knew the risk, but I had no other options. I put my faith in Edward, and he was failing me. The man hadn't been sober in three days. "Edward," I whispered, running my fingers along the stubble on his chin. "Edward, I'm going to work now, are you going to be alright until I get back?" I asked uneasily. He was still in his jeans from the other night, still shirtless, still in my bed. "Fine," he muttered, blinking his eyes as if he saw through me. "I'll be back," I promised, trailing my fingers along the ridge of his eyebrows then along the spine of his nose. "Will you?" he asked, face corking into an unsure expression. "I'll always come back," I swore, kissing the tip of his nose. I hoped it was enough to save him. I stood and straightened my dress clothes for work before rubbing his back for a second then turning to leave. I let my fingernails trail along his muscled shoulder as I moved. His hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me back towards him gently. "I'm trying to be whole again, for you," he whispered through a slackened jaw as his eyes went glassy and he looked at me through his eyelashes. "I'll take any part of you," I concluded, kissing his neck, then behind his ear. I felt his chest heave as he turned from me before I left. I was in love with him. Why? I wasn't sure. Probably because for a moment, I was raw, he was raw, and we were nothing more than the pain of exposed nerves, feeling so much it numbed to nothing. 63

Probably because without Edward, I realized every minute of every day just how vital he was to me, not just as Maya's babysitter, or as a friend, but as someone I desired to see smile. Probably because I would sell my soul to make him smile again, and never see the wave of pain that continually ebbed over his chest day in and day out. Probably because every night, even though it was due to grief, I got to sleep beside him, sometimes his arms around me, sometimes him in my own, sometimes Maya laying on his chest as she told him not to cry, but say dutifully, as if it were her job to collect pain into her tiny heart and keep it away from others, but no matter what, we slept in peacefulness, and I didn't want it to go away. Probably because I had all those reasons, a million more, and then again, not any logical reason at all. "We're going to pretend she's a midget exchange student," I answered seriously. "Now, what were we talking about yesterday?" The students grumbled and pulled out tattered copies of their poetry anthologies. I walked between the aisles, as I had the desks grouped into pairs, and stopped at the last row. "Ben, this is the only open seat, you don't have to talk to her, just let her sit, ok?" I asked the tall, quiet boy. He never spoke in my class because he didn't have to; he was the school swimming star, and it was my job to pass him along with a decent enough grade, but at the rate he was going, he was set to fail. He had so much potential, and the way he molded words was beautiful, when he actually tried. It broke my heart to see him half ass assignments, but when it came to free writes, he was bursting at the seams with life and ideas. He stared back at me with empty hazel eyes and nodded, looking at Maya as if she carried diseases. I hated my life. I had a drunken man in my bed, who ever since the first night, refused to do more than grunt at me or bathe. I had a kid who ran out of viable babysitters today, and was forced to bring with me to work. Things weren't going so hot. "Edward, I'm going to work," I called as I attached an earring. "If you aren't bathed by the time I get home, I will hose you off myself." He grunted but didn't move. "I'm not kidding," I whispered, leaning over his back as he rested on his chest. I pressed myself against him, enjoying his warm, naked back. "I need you back," I confessed. "I hurt, all over," he whispered back. "Me too," I kissed her ear and squeezed his shoulders before getting up. A week ago, and I wouldn't have gotten paid enough money to touch or kiss Edward again, fearing it would kill me and tear me from my principles. Lately, he was becoming one of them. "I'll be better tonight," Edward promised. "No matter what, I want you to stay," I acknowledged. "I, uh, I like feeling." Edward smiled for a second, a faint flicker of what once was. "Famous last words," he sighed. "Maya, you can sit and color," I pulled out her papers and crayons. She barely fit in the desk, which made me smile. At least someone was enjoying our time together. I put a juice box and a pack of Scooby doo gummy snacks there for if she got hungry, and kissed her forehead. I gave Ben a quick warning glare and returned to the front. "So guys, I need you to tell me about some Wordsworth," I started, writing phrases on the board. Eventually the class forgot about my daughter and started to participate. My kids were all very smart, and save from Ben, usually always participated, making my job so easy and rewarding. I kept a grip on my podium, and after a debate started, I snuck a peak at Maya. She was staring at me with a tiny smile and waved. I waved back without anyone noticing. "Why sad?" Maya whispered to Edward as he rested in the bed still. "Lots of reasons," he mumbled as she tucked herself into his side. 64

"We monsters today?" she asked, her eyes growing dull. Edward smiled and ran his finger along her forehead to the point of her nose. "Not today," he sighed. "Tomorrow?" she asked, a faint pout starting. "Tomorrow," he promised, looking straight at me as I rested in the doorway of the bathroom and bedroom. I smiled at him. "But what if I told you that all of his poems were the same, what would you tell me?" I asked my class, throwing a wrench in their discussion. Again, they started to argue and talk. I watched Maya as she spread her snacks on the desk and ate one after making it walk across the desk with a tiny noise I couldn't hear. A second later, I watched her slip one onto Ben's desk, without losing her gaze at the paper. He didn't look down, but picked it up and ate it. I couldn't help but laugh at the image of my tiny daughter slipping the captain of the swim team Scooby Doo gummy snacks as if it were a drug deal. For a second I forgot about Edward. This was a simple pleasure. "But what about Poe?" one girl asked to counter. "One could say that all good poetry is nothing more than insane ramblings about the same subjects by the author." "Good," I smiled, tearing myself away from the wonder in the back. "But let's take Poe. How can you group Annabel Lee and The Tell-Tale Heart in the same subject heading? Isn't one a tale of unrequited love and the other of a guilty conscious?" The class was quiet for a moment. "For your argument to work, I need proof of the subject that they belong to, and then I'll consider it. Talk to your partners, write down three sets of poems, each by the same author, and then tell me how they sustain the thesis that poetry is nothing more than the insane and unintelligible ramblings of the author." The groups grumbled, but started to pull out paper. I stayed at my podium, taking a deep breath quickly. It was all catching up to me, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I was floundering, and I didn't have my rock anymore; Edward was a drunken mess of grief and self-loathing. "Where the hell did you get these bruises?" I asked after he seemed to sober up. "Got into a fight," he grumbled, reaching around for his bottle of Jack. "Why?" I pressed, setting a new bottle on the nightstand. If Edward wanted to drink the pain away, I was all for it. I understood the need to grieve, unlike Alice who was practically beating down the door of my house to get Edward back to real life. "I can't feel anything," he sighed. I snuck a peak at Maya as Ben reached over without speaking, and put her straw in the juice box for her before setting it back down. She took a sip before handing it to him. He didn't look up from his paper as he scratched out some work to turn in, but took it and had a small sip before putting it back down. He passed her the paper he was working on, and leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest. Maya stared at it before taking her crayon and coloring and handing it back. "Ms. Swan?" a group got my attention. "You really mean we're supposed to be telling you why poetry is lame?" "You're supposed to be telling me why poetry is just crazy people with crazy words, not that it's lame," I cleared up, smiling at my class. I watched the clock tick towards the end of first period as I wondered between them, peaking at their papers. Maya and Ben sat in the back, him teaching her what a thumb war was, and her failing horribly as his fingers were miles compared to her own. "Ben, could you stick around after class?" I asked as I collected papers. "I'll be late to Bio," he gritted, rolling his eyes slightly. "I'll write you a pass," I informed him sweetly as I picked his paper up. I couldn't help but look at it as I walked back to the front. He wrote a few sentences, let Maya draw on it, then wrote a little more, as if she were his partner. It was cute, and completely unexpected. 65

"Alright guys, before the bell, remember, papers are due tomorrow. I will measure margins if I have to!" I yelled as the bell sounded and my words were lost with the shuffle of bags and feet. Ben just sat there, nodding his group of friends away with no words as he waited for me. As the door shut, canceling out the noise in the hallway, I moved to pull up the desk in front of Ben. "Usted necesita el bao?" I asked Maya as she squirmed in her seat. "No Mama," she smiled and got down, walking around like a dinosaur before my next class. "Soy un dinosaurio. Los dinosaurios no necesitan hacer pis." I laughed a little before turning back to Ben. "Guatemala?" he asked, finally looking alive for the first time since I'd met him. I paled at his question. "How did you know?" I asked, catching my breath slightly. He smiled and shook his head. "My parents are from Uruguay," he smiled. "Your dialog is different, but the same principle." "I didn't know you spoke Spanish," I responded. "Same," he grunted, no longer interested. We were quietly sizing each other up for a moment before I took a deep breath and started. "How's your paper coming?" I asked, watching his fingers intertwine nervously. He shrugged. "I saw how good you were with Maya. I think we can make a little deal here." "I'm not a babysitter," he scoffed, running his hand over his shaved head. My mind wondered to Edward instantly. For some reason, he only tugged at the painfully lately, no longer carefreely running his hands through it nervously. "No, but I am an English teacher, and right now, your grades are low. This could put your GPA below the necessary requirement to compete in the spring." "Doesn't matter," he interjected, becoming quite agitated. "We don't have a coach anymore." I was quiet. I lost my ace in the hole. "I'll coach your team, if you actually start working with me to get your papers done. I'll even tutor you in your other classes. I see you just passing through life, and it's not good, Ben," I gave him a concerned look. "You work with me, and babysit Maya, and I'll coach the team." "What do you know about swimming?" he scowled. This kid was an asshole. "I swam in high school and college," I bit back. "Listen, I need a dependable babysitter for a few hours sometimes. You need a coach. Just think about it." "I'll do whatever it takes to swim," he responded dryly. "Here's my address," I wrote it down for him. "Tonight, you practice watching her with her aunt, and if you do well enough, I'll coach. No matter what, I want to work with you on your paper though. How's Sunday afternoon?" I asked, standing quickly. "The paper's due tomorrow," he grabbed his bag after shoving the paper inside. "I won't be grading them until next week. If yours miraculously slips into the pile Sunday night, I won't be the wiser," I smiled at him, earning a small smile from him. He walked towards the door as I scooped up my dinosaur and roared with her. "Thanks, Ms. S.," Ben nodded. "I need to swim, or I won't get a scholarship, and I can't afford college." "I'm not doing this so you'll swim," I chuckled as Maya kissed my cheek while barring her teeth. "I'm doing this so you'll see you can do something besides swim." Ben gave me a weak smile and walked out to his next class as my next period filled into their seats. Maya decided to build a fort under my desk, so left her in the back to play. I did my job, enjoying it more than any other day. Some kids stuck around and cooed and awed over Maya, but she didn't much like the attention, and was much happier to play in the back, alone. One girl, Angela, really hit it off with Maya though, and I asked her to stop by my house later to babysit with Ben, figuring it'd be better to have two awkward teenagers watching my very active three 66

year old, than just one moody one. Angela was a sweet girl, quiet, but intelligent to an exaggerated degree. The day finally ended, and I packed up my kid, now a shark, and we made our way home. We sang along to the Beatles the whole way home, giggling and happy. But, as we approached the house, I felt the black cloud looming. Edward would be there, probably in a similar position to how I left him. "You have to move," I whispered, almost lying completely on top of Edward. His chest moved up and down, moving my body as well. He shifted slightly, wrapping his arms behind his back, holding me to him. "I moved," he sighed. His eyes were no longer dark, forest green, but instead dull, like the leaves that are left to rot. "I meant out of this bed," I shook my head. I let him be quiet, instead letting him hold me as I held him. I kissed his shoulder, his skin salty and smooth. "If I get out of this bed, real life will come," he whispered. "What's so wrong with that?" I asked, running my nose along his shoulder blade. "This stops," he shook his head, pulling me tighter. "He'll really be gone." "I won't stop of you don't," I promised. "Maya, do you mind if tia Alice, Ben, and Angela come play tonight?" I asked as I unbuckled her and carried her inside. She shook her head that rested against my chest. She got a very short nap today, so she'd be pretty easy to manage tonight. I set her down in the living room, laying on the couch, and put on TV. I never really let her watch, except for special times when she was just zoned out on life, and today seemed appropriate. I slunk my way upstairs, afraid of what I was about to see. As I pushed the door open though, I realized that it was not only empty, but my sheets were changed, and all trace of Edward was gone. There wasn't even a glass slipper. I sighed and changed into some jeans and an old t-shirt before going back downstairs to start something quick for dinner. As I set the grilled cheese in the pan to cook, the door opened, Alice's cheerful voice telling me who it was. She wondered into the kitchen with Ben and Angela in tow. "I caught these kids outside," she nudged her head towards them. "They say they're here to help watch Maya. Is this true?" I nodded and smiled at everyone in my kitchen. The kids looked around, memorizing and looking for skeletons in their teacher's house. "I need some kids with free hours after school, because Edward is worthless nowadays, and I can't keep calling you guys," I told her as I flipped the sandwich. "Go ahead and take a seat," I motioned for them, and Ben and Angela sat at my kitchen counter on the bar stools. "If I don't like them, they aren't going near my niece," Alice informed me. I just smiled, and when she turned her back to go find Maya, I rolled my eyes. "Angela, do you have a running rate or anything?" I asked, slipping on sandwich onto a plate. "No, I don't charge normally, just volunteer at my father's church," she squeaked out, blushing and avoiding looking at Ben, who suddenly couldn't keep his eyes from her. "A recommendation for college would be great." "How about that, and all the food and clothes you could ever want," I laughed. "Alice owns a boutique, and she's always giving me clothes I'll never wear. You can scavenge anything you'd like." Angela smiled and nodded. "Ben, same goes for you, but I don't think we're the same size." He gave me a big smile and laugh as I flipped another sandwich over. "And you better not eat me out of house and home. I know you love those Scooby Doo fruit snacks." "I'll do my best, Coach," he added with a grin. I finished making sandwiches and turned the stove off before facing them as they fiddled with their cans awkwardly. 67

"I know that I'm your teacher, but this is my home, this is my daughter, so outside of school, I'm just a mother, alright?" I asked, leaning on the counter towards them. "I trust you both, and Maya really seemed to click with you guys. She doesn't really get along with people, so I knew it'd be alright if you came over." "I'll do my best," Ben nodded. "I even brought over homework to work on." I smiled at our deal. "Good," I nodded, righting myself. "Don't let Alice scare you. My cell number is on the fridge. I'll see you guys later." I let them follow me into the living room where Alice had Maya dancing around happily. Finding energy somewhere I wasn't even sure of. "I'm going to go check on Edward, Alice. Let them play with Maya and get a feel for this. Grilled cheese sandwiches are waiting, you can cut up some fruit to go with it." "Alright, call me, Bella," she smiled. I picked Maya up and hugged her tightly. "Beso, beso, beso, beso," I said as I kissed Maya all over her face. "Te amo." "Te amo, Mama," she giggled at me. I handed her to Ben, causing him to get completely awkward. "I'll be back at some point," I muttered, giving Alice a pointed look. She knew where I was going, and we both had no idea what'd I'd be walking into. "Let them go home early, alright? It's a school night." Alice nodded again. I got into my car and started to go over to Edward's. Alice wouldn't have a problem with Maya, so I felt somewhat alright about leaving them together. Maya would probably pass out after dinner anyway. I felt responsible to be thinking about babysitters and options. It was forward thinking, and I was getting my shit together. That was that. Now, I just had to fix Edward. I wasn't sure what I was going to say or do when I found him, but I knew it had to be epic, something that would make him not hurt. I ran through everything I could say as I walked to his door, my feet shifting awkwardly as I knocked on the door. I kept knocking but got no answer. I tried the door, and after finding it open, I pushed my way inside. "I didn't answer it for a reason," Edward's voice was hard and startled me as I closed the door behind me. "Why didn't you?" I asked, sizing him up as he stayed in his chair, staring at the glass in his hands. Edward shrugged and leaned back, his head falling against the high back of the overstuffed couch he was sitting in the middle of. His hair was still messy, his nose was still crooked, his shoulders still slumped, but he looked as if he's showered. "Have you eaten anything besides whiskey?" I ventured to ask as I guessed the contents of the glass in his hands. He shook his head. "I haven't even drank anything," he sighed. "Holding the glass just helps me think, keeps my hands busy. It smells like him, too." I nodded and walked into the kitchen. I began to look through his cabinets and fridge, hoping to find something edible. There was nothing. Edward spent so much time at my house; it was as if he didn't really live here anymore. There were no signs of picture frames or personalization, except for one single picture, stuck to the fridge. Smiling back at me, as I searched for food, was Maya, grinning and gripping Edward's chin happily as she sat on his shoulders, Edward with his crooked grin as he held onto her legs securely, and me, my arms wrapped around Edward's middle, smiling with my head resting against his chest. The beach and forest was behind us, and to anyone, we were the perfect family. It was a contradiction, it was a lie. "You don't have anything to eat here," I finally gave up and walked back into the living room. Edward was in the same position. "I'm not hungry," he mumbled. He had sat the glass on the table, and now his hands rested on his knees. "Well I am," I retorted. "I'm ordering Chinese, do I have to guess what you'd like?" He gave a faint 68

smile before nodding, his eyes closed. I threw up my hands in defeat and ordered a mountain of food, putting it on Edward's credit card. I slammed the phone down after giving his address, and rested my hands on the counter, my head hanging in defeat. What was I doing here? How the hell was I supposed to fix this? What had I come over here expecting to do? I walked back into the living room when I figured out the only thing I could give Edward was myself. We needed each other. He was a huge actor, I was an English teacher. He liked chicken. I preferred fish. I tried to push him away because I thought I could never give him my all, because I was afraid to have him. He pulled me to him, accepting every crack and rip and tear, wanting to only be there. Edward stared at me as I hesitantly walked towards him. I reached down and picked up the glass, draining it quickly, the burn numbing my throat until the nerves were raw. I sat down in Edward's lap, resting my head on his shoulder, my nose resting against his jugular. I could smell him, clean and perfect. I could hear his heartbeat, steady and sound. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tighter towards him. "I told you I wouldn't stop," I whispered, snuggling my head against the fabric of his shirt. "What if I want you to," he whispered back, our voices harsh in the quiet. "Do you?" I asked, panic seeping into my words. "Never," he swore, his chest stretching as he pulled me closer. I ran my hand along the contours of his body above his shirt, feeling each line and crease blindly. My hand seemed so small against his broad chest, but I felt so big in his arms, so safe. Edward's hands traced along my thigh, following the denim of my jeans lightly. He head was lower, his jaw resting on my forehead, causing our breathing to become tangled. I watched his Adam's apple bob with each swallow, mesmerized by each movement. I fought this so long, and only when it was gone did I realize how much I needed it. Slowly, I let my fingers trace his neck, the pulse beneath trumpeting against it haphazardly. I moved slightly, straightening my back enough to move my head so my lips could reach his neck. I let my lips open before silently placing them against Edward's neck. I didn't give them much pressure, just enough to heal him, to tell him the future. I moved slowly, calmly, gently, kissing along his neck to the ridge of his jaw. Edward pulled his head back so it left his whole neck on display. I licked my lips at the thought of so much flesh available. Edward's hands grew tight on my waist as I shifted so I was straddling him, my knees locking on either side of him. I kissed my way along his jaw, my hands steadying themselves on Edward's chest as his gripped my waist, holding it tightly against his hips. There was only fabric separating us, and as he held my hips stationary, his moved tauntingly slow in a subtle circle. I felt him growing in anticipation, and my body responded to him eagerly. When I reached Edward's lips, I noticed that they were parted, breathing somewhat heavily, eyes shut tightly. My hands slipped to their grips in his hair and pulled him towards me, capturing his breath. He moaned into me as our tongues danced in rhythm with his gyrating hips. "Bella," Edward whispered, moving his lips to my neck now, nibbling greedily, nipping and kissing, contradicting with each pass. My name from his lips made me want him more. "Is this to fix me?" he asked, pulling away suddenly. "No," I shook my head. "I can't fight you anymore. I want to feel." "This is it?" he asked, his brow growing dark. "To make you feel, once and then it's over?" "Everything is crazy, spinning wildly," I whispered, resting my forehead on his, staring into those eyes that haunted me so much. "And then there's you." 69

"Then there's you," he repeated. "I'm yours." "I'm yours," I swore back to him. He kissed me a second later, his lips soft, not wavering. I let Edward's hand creep under my shirt, and parted only so he could throw it on the ground once it cleared my head. "Is this pity?" he asked, eyes full of sorrow. I kissed him again, sitting up on my knees and pushing him backwards against the couch. I felt my body against his, the fabric of his shirt against my bare stomach. "I don't pity you," I answered, sitting back on his lap. "I fear you." "Why?" he breathed, brows becoming worried peaks again. I smiled as I traced them with my fingers, forcing them to recede. "Because you can break me," I whispered, still smiling and staring at him. Edward didn't tell me he wouldn't, instead kissed me, his giant hands on the bare skin of my ribs, his thumbs grazing each gap and protrusion. The doorbell rang, making us both jump slightly, but neither went to answer it. Edward kissing along my neck, reaching my chest. I held his lips to my skin, enjoying the steam that seemed to form on it. I bit my lip to hide a moan as he found my nipples through my bra. I finally pulled Edward away when my pants started to vibrate with a phone call. "Hello?" I asked, ashamed at my breathless state. "Bella, Maya won't stop crying for you," Alice skipped all formalities. Panic gripped my chest instantly. I heard Maya whimpering in the background. It was the closest thing to a cry I'd ever heard from her. "I'll be home in ten minutes," I responded quickly, pulling from Edward's grip as I searched for my shirt. I hung up and put the phone in my pocket as I pulled the shirt on. "What's wrong?" he asked, standing beside me, towering over me. "Maya, she needs me," I whispered, placing a hand on his chest absently as I looked for my keys. "I'm sorry." "Go to her," he gave me a weak smile. "Come back, eventually. I'll be over bright and early, for babysitter duty." "No, Edward, you don't have to," I shushed him as I walked to the door, our fingers firmly intertwined. "I can't mope anymore," he insisted. "I'm broken, but I have to heal. I told you I'd fix it to be with you." He kissed me sweetly, chastely against the door. "I hate to leave you," I whispered, fearing he would break while I was absent. "I fell in love with the Swan women; both of them, not just you. I understand," he gave me a weak crooked grin, nowhere near what I wanted, but just enough to convince me. "Will you tell me about him?" I asked, his cheek in my hand. "One day," he whispered, kissing me again. I stumbled outside, over the bags of Chinese food that was waiting. Edward grinned for a second before looking at it all. "You ordered the whole menu?" "Yes," I grinned back. "I'll bring some over tomorrow, for dinner?" he almost asked. I nodded and kissed his cheek before retreating. "I've missed you," I gave him a smile. He nodded and watched me leave. I felt his eyes burning into my back, and wanted to go back. The thought of Maya pulled me away; I couldn't stand to think of her hurting. The ride back home was quick, most likely due to the thoughts of what had just happened at Edward's. I had given up, given myself to him, not physically, but so much deeper. I didn't know where we were, what we were, or where we were going, but it felt good, it felt right. I wanted him, 70

completely. I'd watch him crumble, and I wanted to help him come back, I needed him back, because for some reason, he had become essential to my being. I was in it deep, and there was no hope of escape. "Maya!" I cried as I walked in the door. She sat on Alice's lap on the couch, sucking her finger and clutching Edward's sweatshirt. As soon as she saw me, she ran to me and I pulled her to me. Her tears had made her cheek completely wet, soaked. I clutched her to me as her little hands rooted in my hair. "Mama!" she cried, actually physically cried, with a sob. "Don't leave. I need." "I'll never leave," I promised, picking her up and holding her tightly. "I'm yours, remember?" I asked, kissing her forehead. I moved towards the stairs to carry her to bed as Alice clicked off the TV. "Forever?" the tiny child asked as I wiped her tears with the sweatshirt. She sucked her lip in with each excruciating gasp for air over her excited lungs. "Maya, I love you, forever and ever. I will always be here," I promised as we reached her bed. "I was scared," she mumbled against my chest as I hugged her to me and we covered ourselves with her purple blanket. I didn't care that I was still in jeans, she needed me. "Scared of what?" I asked, kissing the top of her head. "No Mama anymore," she whispered. "I'll always be here," I promised again. "You and me are forever, no matter what." Maya mumbled as she fell asleep in my arms, her tears retreating at the sight of me. I felt her heartbeat against my own, her breathing against my shoulder. This was where I belonged, no matter what. This child, clinging to me as if I were a life raft in the water, was what I lived for. And as I lay there, thinking about Maya and Edward, I realized just how complicated things were becoming.

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Chapter 12
The moment the door clicked shut behind Bella, I thought I'd fall back into my slump. The absence of something that'd been so steady and constant, covering me in warmth every night scared me. I sat again on the couch, where minutes ago Bella had straddled my lap. She had been on top of me, wanting me just as much as I wanted her, and I still was convinced it was a sick dream. I didn't remember much of the past few days, only times when I'd realize and recognize Bella's scent on the pillows, or Maya's warm breath as she breathed against my chest or side. After my father's funeral, I drank. Emmett got me on the plane, where he let me drink some more. He kept the photographers at bay, and was even good enough to drop me off at my apartment. Of course, I dropped my bag and went to the bar down the block. It was full of men, playing pool, hitting on the scarce amount of much too old women, men who drank hard drinks and rode harder women for fun. They had no problem kicking my ass then politely shoving me in a taxi after draining my wallet, handing the cabby a twenty and patting the roof. I remembered going to Bella's. She would make it better. That belief kept me at her house for the week, skipping work, going missing, effectively dying. I just wanted to feel and be numb, all at once. I vaguely recalled her body against my own, giving me breath, giving me life. I remember her lips, grazing my skin reassuringly, intoxicating me correctly. Sitting in my living room, Chinese food in my lap instead of Bella's warm body, I realized how incredibly screwed up things had become. I wanted to be ashamed of the way I had acted, but for some reason, it made Bella come to me, and for that, I couldn't hate myself as much as I'd like. I stared at the empty glass on the coffee table, menacing, taunting. I remember the taste of it on Bella's lips, so much better than it actually tasted. "When I was in Guatemala, I saved one life," Bella whispered, her voice floating along the wall like the light from Maya's mobile. I felt the double take her chest made when her breathing stuttered as my head rested against her chest, my arms squeezing her body tightly. Her fingernails raked against the skin of my back, tracing my freckles like connect-the-dots. "More than me," I grunted, the failure to save my father or mother renewing itself on my back. "I wanted to kill him though. I wanted to watch him die," she explained, her hands rooting in my hair as she clutched me to her chest. I knew she was crying. "I didn't read that," I whispered, nuzzling my head into her shirt. It slipped higher, revealing a bigger sliver of naked tummy skin to my fingers. I swirled around her belly button, traced the skin. "I was too ashamed with myself for wanting him to die and saving him," she whispered, her hands loosening as she combed my hair. "I came so close to killing someone, I was nothing more than they were." "Why?" I asked. "He was the same man who killed Onan and his family. He was a soldier. He took a bullet to the stomach one night, and somehow pulled his way back to my doorstep," she signed. "I wanted to watch him die. There was so much blood, and he was begging, pleading like Onan's mother had before he pulled the trigger. He was crying, he was confessing." "What did you do?" I prodded, hating the gentle sobs she was hiding. "I watched him, watched the blood ooze over his fingers," she stuttered. "I couldn't sink to his level. I hate myself for saving him, but I hate myself even more for hesitating. I bandaged him, took the bullet out, called Leah to stitch. I held his hand and told him it was alright. I held the hand that murdered, because I couldn't bring myself to let him die. I murdered others by saving him." 72

"Why are you telling me this?" I whispered, resting my hand flat on her stomach as it vibrated under the confined screams she kept burrowed in there. "We're all bad people, Edward," she whispered back, lacing her hand with my own. I carried the Chinese food to the kitchen, still not hungry enough to eat, and grabbed the empty glass, ice clinking against its side with each step. I loaded my fridge with food and stared at the empty glass, remembering my father easily. Edward Senior had been the best lawyer Chicago had ever seen. He was seen as the epitome of high society; no one could top his societal accessories of being a widower and father of Hollywood's hottest actor. Everyone at it up, citing him as a moral example, someone who overcame tragedy to raise a delightful son and maintain a successful law practice. When I was a kid, before my mom got sick, I remember him as such. He was a great man, despite what he soon became, larger than life, my hero. After she gave up to the cancer, he drank. He called me an idiot for moving to Hollywood. He berated my life until we hardly spoke. And now he was gone. I swirled the glass and drowning ice cubes. "How's work?" he asked, his voice gruff as ever as he confidently took a drink from the double sitting on the dimly lit table. "Pretty good, I'm going to Mexico to shoot in a few days," I answered, taking another drink as well. "I saw you got a few girls after you, in the magazines," he nodded, a frown on his face. "All lies," I assured him with a small, tight smile. "One day you're going to miss the right one because you're so busy fooling around," he chided me, picking up the menu to signify the end of his stance on my ways. "And you'll be there to say 'I told you so', right?" I chuckled as he gave me a faint smile. "I would never miss the chance to do that, now would I?" he laughed with me. "I love you, and I know you loved me," I whispered, pouring it into the sink. Somehow I managed to stagger towards my bedroom. It felt wrong, foreign and empty. It wasn't cozy like Bella's, and there was no hope of her tiny body overpowering my own anymore. For the first night since the funeral, I slept a dreamless sleep. It was dark, it was dry, and it was horrifically healthy. I returned calls to my agent, rescheduled shoots, and agreed to be in LA in a few weeks to take care of business. I had scenes to shoot in Mexico eventually, and apparently the time was approaching. He shoved another film down my throat, but I gagged and recoiled claiming I'd check it out later. I drove to Bella's thinking about how I was going to make up my absence to Maya, to Bella. I wanted to have an ordinary day, take Maya to the zoo, tuck her in after a day of Kodak moments, make Bella dinner, take her to a movie, kiss her like a teenager, longer than publically acceptable, then drop her off at home, get invited upstairs, and wake up with her in my arms. The things that were montages in the movies I starred in, the things that I couldn't due because of said movies. I walked up to the door, suddenly more anxious than any man had a right to be, ever, running my hands through my hair awkwardly before pushing it open as I always had. Life had to continue, routine had to be observed and respected to include the past with the present. "Edward!" a tiny voice shouted and ran to me instantly from her waiting spot on the steps. I scooped her up as tiny arms wrapped around my neck and a tiny face kissed my cheek. "Hey, mieja," I whispered, smelling strawberry shampoo and grape jelly. "Are you ready for a special day?" She nodded and put a hand on my cheek before sizing me up with those overpowering eyes. I saw God and fate and love and tomorrow in them. "I guess your number one fan found you," Bella laughed as she scuttled down the stairs, pulling her hair up into a bun as she carried her bag in her mouth. I smiled and watched her move in confusion and fear of being late, enjoying how normal I felt. That is what I was going to give them, to give all of us; normalcy. Bella dropped her bag by the door, and as she slipped on a shoe, placed her hand absently on my 73

chest and kissed me chastely, again as if it were normal, as if we'd done it every day forever, as if we'd do it everyday forever. "Good morning," I whispered, still watching her with Maya in my arms. "Are you sure you'll be alright?" Bella huffed, standing at the door, fixing her skirt and top awkwardly. For a second she stilled and wasn't a raging mess trying to run out the door. "We'll be fine," I rolled my eyes. "I have to stay late today to meet with the swim team and ask them for a week long reprieve before I get their schedule ready," Bella pushed a stray patch of hair from her face. "You're on the swim team now?" I asked, confusion seeping in; I'd missed a lot more than I realized in my weeklong pity party. "I'm coaching," she smiled at me victoriously. "I'm going to get Ben to teach Maya as well. I think she'll enjoy it." "Oh, how about we pick you up for dinner? I'm thinking pizza?" I asked, pulling Maya's braid to tease her. "Sounds good," Bella hummed, picking up her bag and opening the door. Before she moved outside she took a step towards us and kissed Maya and told her she loved her. Maya repeated her goodbye and rested her head against my shoulder. She was always mopey to see Bella leave, as was I. "I think I'll be done around four thirty. Are you working tonight?" "No, I'm off all weekend," I gave her a big smile to which she returned before kissing me again, as if it were natural. "I'm liking that you keep doing that," I whispered. Her eyes glinted for a second before a blush appeared. "Get used to it," she said sternly. "You're mine now." "Always have been," I laughed as she finally tore herself away and walked outside. Maya and I waved from the door as Bella walked towards school. I assumed she was on time, and as she only lived a few blocks from campus, would make it on time. I closed the door and stood in the overwhelming quiet of the house once again. "Well, Maya," I turned to her and kissed her cheek. "Are you ready for some fun?" "You sad?" she asked as I sat her down on the kitchen counter and handed her a sippy cup of apple juice. I started to clean up the kitchen, like I always did. "Not anymore," I assured her. "Why you sad then?" she asked, head cocked to the side, a familiar Bella movement. It made me smile, seeing how alike they were, and how motherhood was everything beyond genetics. I noticed Bella's lunch sitting on the counter and sighed. "My dad went away, and he won't be back again," I explained, trying to keep my throat from constricting like it would regardless. "Where he go?" Maya asked between drags on her sippy cup. "He went where the Good goes, when it is set free," I smiled and watched her for a second, finding solace in explaining it to her, voicing it for myself. "We smile then," she concluded, reaching out for me to set her down. I nodded and followed her upstairs to get dressed. Just like that, we returned to normalcy. Maya helped me pick up her room, make her bed, pick out clothes and brush her teeth before we made Bella's bed also. We soon found ourselves downstairs, playing and reading happily, as if nothing had changed, as if I hadn't been vacant and dead for a week. It would kill me to be away from Maya again when I had to leave to film. Every day she grew, spoke more, said something too incredibly cute or did something so funny, made a face that looked too much like Bella, or tucked her hair behind her ears like me, that I couldn't imagine not being around that. 74

"Hey, why don't we go take Mama lunch?" I asked as the hours ticked on and I started to make Maya her own sandwich. Maya just nodded with a huge smile as she knelt on the bar stool across from me. I handed her a few grapes to eat until we could leave. I made three peanut butter, strawberry, banana sandwiches and threw them in a bag with some fruit before pulling on a baseball hat and sunglasses and placing Maya on my shoulders. I handed her the bag, which she rested on my head and held it there as we walked outside. I checked down the street both ways before heading out, relieved there were no paparazzi. They probably still thought I was in Chicago, or off shooting or something. The sun was hot and my shoulders grew damp with sweat with having Maya there, but I didn't care. She chattered about something as she was now so prone to do, and I listened with half an ear, asking her what color giraffes should be. We stopped at a flower cart and I let Maya choose a flower to bring Bella. The vender thanked us and called Maya the most beautiful aardvark he'd ever seen. Once we reached the school, I realized just why Bella loved her job so much. The school was magnificent, surrounded by gates, sign in sheets for safety, the library was filled to the brim, and with the newest computers out there. It was any teacher's dream. "Can I help you?" I receptionist asked us, staring at Maya on my shoulders then my sunglasses. I took them off and tucked them in my shirt. She was an older woman who sang the image of school secretary. "I just came to drop off lunch for Ms. Swan, she's a senior English teacher," I gave her a smile and held Maya's legs. "The bells rings in ten minutes, then you can go to her room, number 121 on the second floor in the east wing," she informed me with a small smile as she searched my face. "Is there anyway we could sneak down there now, to avoid the rush of kids?" I asked, leaning on the counter. She passed me two guest passes after I gave her my driver's license. "I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen, but even being a movie star won't get you around the rules," she returned the smile. I gawked slightly as she gave me a knowing wink. I wrote Maya's name on the tag and handed it to her to put on her shirt. I wrote 'Ed' on mine and placed it on my shirt as well. "But, I'm just going to go check on something, with my back turned. Have a good lunch, when the bell rings." The smile on her face told me it was alright to go. I blushed slightly as Maya and I snuck down the halls. It reminded me of my own high school, halls lined with lockers, floors a dull gleam of muffed wax. It smelled like a school, that sterile, body smell that only schools seemed to have, no matter where they were, or what decade it was. I found stairs at one end and followed them, finding Bella's class right across from them at the end of a long corridor. "Mama," Maya whispered as I peaked in the giant window at her door. I watched Bella for a second as she stood in front of the class of eager eyes. She smiled and made them laugh as her hands moved wildly and she wrote on the board, underlining, then throwing her marker on the ground in victory. Hands raised and she picked someone, again they all laughed, Bella included. She was amazing. I lifted my hat and tucked it back awkwardly before knocking. The smile on Bella's face faltered as she looked to see who it was, then smiled even bigger. She motioned for us to come inside, and when I did the laughing stopped and everyone stared. "Class, I think you all remember our favorite penguin," Bella held her arms out for Maya as I bent at the hip so she could grab her. I took the bag of food and flower from Maya as she was lifted from me. I felt oddly naked without Maya on me, as if I was weightless. "I aardvark today," Maya informed her while sticking her tongue out a few times. Bella laughed. "And this is, um," Bella looked at me with her head cocked for a second. "Edward Cullen," a girl shrieked. I blushed and nodded. The room filled with murmurs and gasps. "Class," Bella scolded them. "Don't you think you're old enough to show respect, not just for 75

Edward, but for yourselves as well so you don't look like fawning idiots?" The class grew quiet. "But it's Edward Cullen!" another girl reiterated, as if Bella didn't already know that. "I'm quite normal," I answered. "Don't worry. I just wanted to bring Ms. Swan lunch since she forgot hers." "Can I have an autograph?" someone asked. I sighed and looked at Bella, who just stared back at me, quite amused. "Fine," I answered. "Just, pretend you never saw me, alright?" They all nodded and as they filed out of the class, I sighed whatever they put in front of me. As soon as they were gone, I slumped into a desk and rested my head on my hands. "You could have picked a better way to come out to the press," Bella scolded me as she pulled a chair over and Maya sat beside me. "This is going to be all over the papers soon enough." "You're mad?" I asked, dejected. Bella shook her head as she started to open the lunch bag. "I knew what I was getting into when I figured out who you were," she stated simply, amazing me beyond any words. "That's your life. I don't really care what they say about me." "Really? You'll tell me if it's too much?" I asked, accepting my sandwich. Bella nodded. "But we have to be careful. I can take care of myself, but the moment Maya is uncomfortable, things will have to change," she warned. I knew she was right. I couldn't forgive myself if something happened to Maya, or Bella for that matter. It surprised me how resolved Bella was to this whole situation that she knew and accepted what my life entailed. We ate lunch, laughing and enjoying each other, and inside the walls, we were normal, just a family eating sandwiches and happy. I decided we would make it a tradition, even if I didn't tell Bella. Whenever I was here, at least once a week, we would have a picnic. "So, what are you guys going to do this afternoon?" Bella asked Maya as she walked us towards the door. Maya shrugged and stuck her tongue out a few more times in her best anteater impression. "Nap," I spoke up, feeling as tired as Maya looked. Bella nodded and kissed her daughter's cheek. "Then I thought we'd go visit Emmett at the shop. He said there was a car that came in for sale that he was sure I'd love." "Tio Em?" Maya asked getting a goofy smile on her face. I nodded. "Tio Em has candy." Bella rolled her eyes, no longer fighting the fact that Emmett always seemed to have a stash of candy in his pocket if Maya was around. "Then I guess we'll be here to pick you up, and we can go get pizza at this shop near my place?" I asked, hoping she'd accept the plans. It'd be our first time in public, and I was nervous. "Sounds good," she smiled at me. "How about movies, at my place tonight?" Bella looked at me from under her lashes and bit her lips. "Perfect," I smiled, bigger than I had in what felt like forever. I grabbed Maya and threw her back on my shoulders. She giggled and held onto my chin. "Be careful," Bella warned, tugging my shirt and adjusting my hat. "Always am," I assured her as I leaned down to kiss her, our third for the day. I was keeping count. None were needy, passionate, or even more than friendly, yet each was perfect, and I couldn't wait to count more. I still had no idea what we were to each other, but it was something good, and I was enjoying it, I needed it. "Beso, Mama," Maya called. I kneeled slightly so Bella could reach her and I heard her kiss her all over her face. "Te amo." "See you soon," Bella told us both. I walked out of the classroom as the bell rang and students started to freckle the empty distant hallways. I got a few looks, but no one came up to me, instead opting to whisper and giggle while I ignored them. 76

Maya and I walked outside, down the steps and towards the gate. One photographer waited for us and started snapping pictures as we walked. I ignored his questions at first, and walked past Bella's house. I wasn't about to lead him straight there so he could camp out. "Why is there only one of you?" I asked as I kept walking, with him in front of me. It was quiet, not that I didn't enjoy it, but it was weird and almost scary. "I was out at the lot when I got the hint of where you were," he answered shrugging. "Everyone else thinks you're somewhere else. Lots of guy went back to LA, figuring you weren't doing anything interesting up here anyway." I smiled, realizing I really wasn't interesting to paparazzi anymore, at least not since I started spending time with Maya and Bella. I hadn't gotten into a bar fight, hooked up with a random actress or extra, or even ventured outside in months. To the world, I was boring because I was suddenly showering and behaving. "How much these pictures going to get you?" I asked, nudging my head towards Maya. He smiled a huge, face-consuming grin. "Loads," he laughed. "How would you like to keep making loads?" I asked with a devious smile. "I'm all ears," he stopped walking in front of me and moved beside me. I kept walking towards my house. "If you get the only pictures, they're worth more, right?" I asked with my vague knowledge of how these guys works. He nodded. "So if you're the only one who knows where I am, who knows who I'm with, that's a lot of leverage, isn't it?" I fed him. He nodded again. "So if I told you where I would be, at certain times, and with certain people, you would gladly be there, just you, correct?" "Hell yeah, man," he agreed eagerly. "You with this kid is going to sell tons. No one has any idea!" "She's exactly why I don't want a million guys snapping pictures," I sighed. "I'll give you the inside sneak peak if you promise to snap a few then be on your way. It's the best deal ever. Think about it, you get Edward Cullen out on dates, with an unnamed kid and woman, doing things around town after no one has heard from him for weeks" I trailed off, letting his mind wonder to the copious amount of money that would be rolling in. As soon as he sold the pictures he had now, I'd be hot again, and with the movie wrapping up and my eventual return to LA, I was coming back around in the gossip cycle. "You've got yourself a deal," he agreed eagerly. "You're going to help me retire early at this rate." "The moment another guy starts tailing me though," I warned him. "I will not hesitate to cut you off." "No, no believe me," he swore, shaking his head eagerly. "I'm not going to tell anyone. I can follow you around for an hour and make a gaurenteed shit ton of money, or I could spend all day following and hoping to find someone. I think this is going to work very well." "Good," I nodded. This could work out. We'd still have to keep a low profile, not go flaunting our relationship, but Bella, Maya and I could sneak around and still go out. "Give me your number and I'll text you time and locations. If someone else gets my number, I'll find another photographer in a heartbeat." He typed his number into my cell. "What am I supposed to tell the magazines when they ask who this kid is?" he asked, snapping a few more pictures as we approached my apartment. "Tell them that I had no comment. I'll tell you more when I talk to my publicist, ok?" I asked. "Yeah sure," he agreed. "It was very nice doing business with you, Mr. Cullen. Whoever this lady is, she's turned you into a nice guy. Hollywood is going to miss its biggest asshole." I didn't know whether to be excited or appalled, so I just nodded with a small smile. "Thanks, I think," I smiled and punched in my key code to the building. "No one finds out about my place. I'll text you when we get settled at dinner." "Sure," he agreed and shook my hand eagerly. "Thanks." 77

"Yeah," I mumbled and walked inside. I didn't want to see if he was actually going to leave or if he'd wait. I hoped he'd be my key to staying normal. If I could keep a low profile, I would be set, and Bella wouldn't have to worry. She thought she was alright with being known or linked to me, but she never had twenty guys screaming at her and flashing lights as they snapped her picture; she never had people talking about her on a national level. Even for someone as strong as her, it was a hard life, and I'd protect her as long as I could. "Ready for a nap?" I asked Maya as I pulled her down in my house. She'd only been there a few times before, so I let her look around for a few minutes. She nodded and grabbed my hand. I laid down on the couch and pulled her on my chest and flipped on TV. Bella never let her wat normally, but every day I slipped in a cartoon for her. It was childish, it was mind numbing, and sometimes, it's needed. Laying in my arms, as her breathing began to slow and become steady, I realized just how much I love Maya. I wouldn't let anyone talk about her or hurt her. She held my heart as much as Bella did. If it meant that I had to retire, then I would. Not everyone needs an Oscar.

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Chapter 13
For the first few minutes after Edward and Maya left, I didn't move. I felt like a zombie as my whole life bombarded my body, mind, and spirit. Edward and I were public, he was watching Maya, I had just watched him breakdown in my bedroom a day ago. Things were spiraling quickly, and I wasn't sure I could handle it. It all felt like rushed normalcy, like all I was doing was striving to prove to myself that Maya and I could adjust, that we could be a functioning, normal family. "Edward, what am I to you?" I asked as he took another gracious helping of his therapist, Mr. Jack Daniels. He hissed at the burn as he slumped back down on the bed. "My own delicious purgatory," he muttered, disdain at every syllable. "I'm sorry," I whispered again. "She just doesn't know that I'm sticking around," he continued to have a conversation with himself. "She sees too much of me, but I saw her too. I know. I don't care. I can be what she needs." "Who are you talking to?" I asked, running my hands along his neck. "I am good enough," he stuttered, agitated. "I can't wait to say 'I told you so'." "Edward, calm down," I tried to hush him. "One day Bella will love me," he muttered, his eyes closing in defeat. The promise was fresh on his lips as I stare at his sleeping frame. The vow scared the hell out of me. Things were getting complicated, and they were going there quickly. I was getting caught up in emotions, in my own desires and forgetting every possible idea I had for the future. I held Edward, and through healing him, through telling him that he would live, that things would get better, I had started to believe it; through his pain I found a tiny inkling of my will and thirst again. He had humanized me. Through tiny touches and arms and stolen kisses, I'd told him how fucked up I was, and he accepted it. I let every wall down I had, and I was just now seeing how horribly wrong this could turn out for not just myself, but Maya as well. "Hi Ms. Swan," Angela smiled as I realized the class was beginning to fill. I shook away everything and smiled back at her. "Hey, Angela," I greeted her as she sat down. "Are you free to babysit this weekend at all?" "Sure," she nodded. "I'm tutoring Ben in bio on Saturday night, but if it's ok with you we could do that at your place?" "That'd be great. It'd only be for a few hours, and I'll have Maya bathed and ready for bed. How does seven sound?" I stacked the papers at my podium and got ready for class. "Sounds great," she smiled even bigger. I needed to talk to Edward, just the two of us. There needed to be a talk, with actual words, of fear and expectation and feelings and everything. I know this is what needs to happen, but around Edward, I felt like what I was supposed to be; a gawking teen again. But when I thought about Maya, I felt older, responsible. I loved her so much it hurt, and I wasn't about to make a decision that would hurt her in any way. She was mine, I was hers. She was before Edward, and I was fully capable of living with Edward. I couldn't live with Maya. I tried not to think about any of it, about how we'd be going out to dinner like we were normal in only a few hours. But, it grew increasingly difficult as the day dried up to no more than a few strokes of the clock. I wished my class a good weekend but made no effort to pack up to leave. I still had to meet with the swim team. If it hadn't been for my need for a babysitter and my teacherly devotion to tutoring Ben, I would have reconsidered. Then the school informed me I would be getting a bonus for coaching 79

a sport, and suddenly the image of a new swing set appeared for Maya, and I couldn't pass it up. "Hey, coach," Ben greeted me with a smile. "I hear I'll be babysitting the rugrat with Ang Saturday." "If you want, yes," I nodded as he pulled up a chair. "You know, you're seriously interrupting my game here," he scowled mockingly. I could see the smile hidden underneath. "Your game?" I asked, trying to hide my laugh. It came out in spurts. "Yeah, it's like when I ask a girl to tutor me biology, and I have no need for that because that's the only class I have a decent grade in, just so I can hang out with her," he explained, as if I should have known his plans the whole time. "Wait, you mean you were flirting with Angela?" I asked, somewhat startled. He just nodded and shrugged his shoulders. "She's nice," he mumbled. "Keep your game out of my house and around my three year old, you understand?" I tried to sound authoritative, but it came out quite weakly. It was awkward to see Ben, the strong, silent boy suddenly become a middle schooler with a crush on a girl he wasn't supposed to like. He just nodded as the rest of the team arrived. I explained what we were going to do, our three dry practices and two pool ones a week. They all nodded eagerly, which surprised me. I let them go with a promise of practice in two weeks so I could get everything ready and research their times and what not. Ben stuck around as everyone else filed out into the empty school. "Anything else?" I asked him, worried he had a new stipulation to this coaching thing. "Just wanted to make sure you got home ok," he shrugged, pulling his backpack on. I smiled covertly and locked my class behind us as we walked outside. I saw a shiny silver Volvo parked in front of the gate, Edward and Maya sitting on the hood happily. "Hey, rugrat," Ben greeted Maya with a pinch on her nose. "Hi Ben," she giggled and swatted his hand. "I'll see you tomorrow night," he offered before walking away towards his car in the student lot. "Tomorrow night?" Edward asked as I picked up Maya and hugged her after letting my bag drop. "Got a hot date, Mrs. Robinson?" "With you," I informed him, shaking my head at his reference. "I thought maybe we could have a one-on-one date and talk." "Oh," Edward nodded, a smile easing across his face. "Whose ready for pizza?" "Me!" Maya clapped as I put her in a booster seat in the back. "Mama too!" I kissed her nose and handed her one of her toys before settling in the passenger seat. "I'm guessing this is the car Emmett tried to sell you?" I asked, smiling at Edward as he started it. "Oh, God no," he scolded me as we started to drive down the street. "He tried to sell me a Porsche, but I saw this, and fell in love. What can I say, I'm a practical man." "Emmett told me you drive the James Bond car when you're in LA," I snuck a peak at him as he blushed slightly. "A Vanquish is a very practical car," he nodded and informed me. I let it drop as Maya roared and sighed. We drove down the familiar streets in peace, a warm feeling over the whole car. It was normal, it was nice. "I have something I need to confess," Edward started as he parked in a metered spot in front of an old pizza kitchen. That was never a good way to start a conversation. I watched him run his hands through his hair nervously as he avoided eye contact with me. "Tell me," I begged, hating the suspense. "You're going to be photographed," he rushed, as if it were all one word. "I met a paparazzi today, 80

and I told him if he kept our locations secret, I'd let him be the one who snapped pictures, and after a few he would leave, because he was the one with the scoop. I figured one was better than twenty." This rush of information startled me. I wasn't sure how comfortable I'd be about being photographed. I knew Edward was a ridiculous degree of famous, but I never really considered it. This was Seattle, he was the man that made forts in my living room with my daughter. I didn't know the Edward that was in gossip rags, slept with a different woman every night, and drank until the sun came up; I knew the Edward that let me hold him while he broke, that held me while I confessed my sins, that liked to act like a hairy monster and chase Maya around the house. Just like he had no idea who I was before Guatemala, I had no idea what this man came from. I put on a brave front when this was all a distant idea, but now confronted with it, my cold feet were freezing to the bone. "Just one?" I asked after a few minutes of being a prisoner of my own brain. I'd had guns pointed at me, I could handle a few clicks of a camera. "Just one," he swore. "I told him no names, and my publicist would talk to him about whatever happens. I know it's not normal, but this is what comes with me, and I'm sorry." I ran his hand through his hair again as he gripped the steering wheel. "I'm not thrilled, but we'll figure it out, alright?" I asked, hoping he understood my apprehension as not resting with him, but with the situation. "Maya is the only one I worry about. I can handle this, and whatever they throw at me." Edward gave me a big smile before nodding and getting out of the car to feed the meter. I grabbed Maya and gave her a big hug and kiss. For the first time in a while, she wound her hands in my hair and played with the ends. It was reassuring and sweet. Edward came up beside us and closed our doors. "Photo op," he whispered, kissing Maya's cheek. I saw a flash from across the street. "Just ignore it and look natural." "Can we go inside?" I asked, feeling his hand on my back, guiding me towards the entrance. "Just a few more," he nodded knowingly. I should have figured one wouldn't be enough. The flashes grew closer, but Maya didn't notice, instead smiling and asking for Edward to hold her. He held her up high and made monster-chomping noises as he lowered her, giggling and flailing to his body before pretending to eat her. The flashes went wild, then Edward nodded in that direction and waved before opening the door. "That was a horrible thing to do," I stated, sitting down at a booth in the back corner. Maya sat beside me after Edward handed her to me then plopped down across. "What?" he asked innocently, looking at the menu. "Putting on a show," I informed him. "I wasn't," he answered. "Bella, the only time I'm ever genuine is around you and Maya. One day, you'll see what I'm like around everyone else, around cameras and interviews and women who throw themselves at me, and you'll know that I reserve Edward for you and Maya." His words distracted me from anger as I stared into the forest green eyes I'd come to realize haunted me fiercely. There was a hidden truth in the words, something that told me more about Edward than any story or explanation never could; he was an actor. He knew how to put on a show so he could do his job, something he loved, and he only let people in when he felt safe; he let me and Maya in so readily. "How about cheese pizza?" Edward asked, breaking the quiet as I stared at my menu. I nodded and gave him the biggest smile I could. He was real. After a few months, we both had broken each other down enough to actually try to function. We hadn't figured each other out, but we were comfortable. That ease made me take that second glance at him. It was just like my connection with Maya; there was something primal, something deeper than anything could touch. "Cheese pizza sounds good," I nodded as Maya busied herself with coloring. The waitress flirted 81

with Edward horribly. It was like watching a car crash, right before it happens. But this wasn't one that was over quickly, speeding a hundred and stopping suddenly at a wall; this one was like pulling out of a drive way and your neighbor pulls out at the same time, and I was stuck, watching from my window over my sink with a cup of coffee, not budging to stop it. Edward didn't return her advances, and was actually quite rude to her. What surprised me most was the fact that it didn't deter her at all, but almost made him more appealing. "So, how was your day?" he turned to me while sipping his straw innocently after she left finally, no more excuses to ask us for anything. I couldn't help but laugh a little. "Good," I answered. "We're right in the middle of poetry, but I know the kids can't wait to get it over with." "I never was one for the poetry they assigned us in class," Edward leaned back and spread his arms over the booth. "It was always so uppity and out of date." "I knew the kids would think that, so we're working on modern American poets right now," I taunted back at him. "It's still poetry, but a little more relevant. The kids get a kick out of it when I tell them there may or may not be sexual references in the writings." "Ah, the giggles that come from figuring out poetic innuendos," Edward smiled real big and watched Maya color precisely in varying shades. "What about you?" I asked as he sat almost perfectly still. It was a rare moment. Edward was always pulling his hair out or twittering something in his fingers. "How's the movie coming?" "As good as can be expected," he shrugged and took a long gulp of Coke. "I think I'm not going to sign up for the next few. I want to let my contract expire." "What does that mean?" I asked, not up to date on the whole contract/movie star lingo or procedures. Our waitress put the pizza in front of us and Edward dismissed her quickly. "It means, I'd rather look for something I love doing, or retire completely," he sighed as if it were nothing at all. He was twenty-four years old, and already retiring was an option. I was already starting to save for Christmas. "You can't retire," I informed him as he handed me two plates for Maya and myself. I cut her into tiny pieces and waited for it to cool somewhat. "You haven't even come close to doing what you want." "I guess I just found something else I like to do better," he shrugged again and folded his pizza before taking a giant bite. "Edward, I won't let you quit to nanny for me," I scolded him, taking a bite of my own. "You're too talented. That's just ridiculous." "I'm not going to make movies I don't want to anymore," he plead with me, as if he needed my permission. "If my hearts not in it anymore, what would be the point. When I first started, I wanted to establish myself as one of the best. Brad Pitt had his Fight Club, Heath Ledger had Batman, Jake Gyllenhal had Donny Darko. I want that. I want to make a movie that I feel passionate about; even if isn't as good or famous. I'm not doing that right now." I was quiet as I watched him talk, motioning all over with his pizza. Maya did the same with her fork, causing us both to smile as she plowed through her all time favorite food and I cut up another for her. "I just want to do something my father would be proud of," Edward grew quiet and ducked his head. "I want to have people watch me act and do well, and I want to tell him I told him I could do it, and he was wrong." "Edward, I'm sure he knows how amazing you are," I whispered, rubbing his clenched fist on the table. He smiled and gulped awkwardly. "I know, but that's how we measured each other, in 'I told you so's' and I love him for it," he explained. I nodded and ate my pizza. "Plus, it might mean me filming all over the world, for months 82

on end. Would you be alright with that?" His eyes were big and pouty as he waited for my response. "Not really," I acquiesced. "But I'd hate even more for you to have resentment." "Bella I could nev-" he started. "Just look at scripts, and make a decision later," I stated, effectively cutting him off. "This isn't something you just decide over pizza." Edward laughed slightly. It didn't go unnoticed the mountains that separated our points of interest in our careers. I had high school kids reading poetry, and Edward filmed movies. Yet, we handled both the same, balanced. Dinner passed with us laughing and talking. For the moment, people weren't watching us and we were normal. I forgot about my life, and existed solely to tickle Maya and let her play with my hair as Edward and I debated the merits of various jungle animals as pets. As my daughter slumped against my side, Edward paid and we decided to call it a night. Apparently, we had plans the next day, and Edward was keeping it a secret to surprise Maya. I carried Maya upstairs, as she fell asleep on the drive back to our place. She didn't put up a fight as I changed her into pajamas and pulled the comforter around her shoulders. I kissed and whispered how much I loved her before turning her night light on and standing at the door and watching the epitome of peace and resolution of faith in goodness in the world. "She put up a struggle?" Edward asked, sitting on the couch, watching some random show on TV. I sighed and slumped down beside him while shaking my head. He wrapped his arm around me as if it were the most natural thing to do in the world. I let my headrest on Edward's shoulder, smelling nothing but him; a swirl of cinnamon and man, subtle and sweaty. "I had a good time at dinner, and I think Maya did too," I whispered, randomly running my fingers along his thigh. I didn't hear the news shouting about whatever crisis was impending. "I had a good time," he sighed, straightening slightly and coughing a little, as if something were stuck in his throat. "I'm just sorry about your picture being out there. You understand what you're getting into, don't you?" he asked, his voice pained at my response. I paused and thought about it, about the time when Edward was dead to the world, the days when I had no idea where he was, and I realized I wouldn't be alright with that again. "I know what to expect, but at the same time, I'm not sure," I confessed. I felt his lips against the crown of my head as he hugged me closer. I gave up and lay down on his leg on my back on the couch. "Just, don't quit on me," he whispered, his face growing long. "I couldn't, even if I wanted to," I assured him. Edward gave me a weak smile and ran his fingers through my hair that now fanned his lap. We sat in silence for a few minutes, the faint whisperings of the TV not really reaching our ears. I was too distracted by Edward's fingers, gently massaging my scalp to care about the world. "What are we, Bella?" Edward whispered suddenly, his face still distant. "Alive," I whispered, closing my eyes to remember the way my blood felt like fire and my veins throbbed with lava at his touch. I memorized each scream my muscles made to touch him, and each prayer they made as I threaded my hands behind his neck and pulled his lips to my own. I enticed the silence, bringing it closer so I could hear the harmony of his lips and my own, so I could feel the pounding in my ears. "I better go," Edward whispered. I sat up, somewhat confused at the shift in events. I wasn't exactly the smoothest operator, but I was pretty sure I needed Edward in a carnal way. "Why?" I asked, pushing my hair out of my face, willing the blood to stop trumpeting against my skin. Edward's eyes were dark, clouded almost, as he ran one finger along my jaw, down my neck and traced my collarbone. The smirk he wore made me want to kiss him again. "If I don't leave now, I never will," he responded, bringing his eyes from my skin to my eyes. "I don't want you to go," I confessed, biting my lip and shifting my legs. 83

"I don't want to go either," he responded, kissing me gently before slowly pulling away and standing. "But I refuse to rush this." "Tomorrow?" I asked as I followed him to the door, which I then used as support to stand. "Tomorrow, we're going to figure things out," he promised with a smirk. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me harshly. I worked with him, my hips finding a delicious friction against his. "I trust you, and that's all I need," I assured him as I pulled away this time, leaving him standing there quite awkwardly. "Don't break me?" I asked tentatively. "Never," he whispered before kissing me once again. I watched him walk to his car and the headlights disappear to red distant stars before I closed and locked the door. I let my back slide against the cool wood until I rested on the floor. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but for some reason, it felt completely right and wrong at the same time.

84

Chapter 14
I woke up to an empty bed, again. It's always nice though, that moment before realization and the world rear their ugly heads, and all there is, rests solely on my chest. It is in that moment of complete clarity and complete confusion that the beautifully ambiguousness of decisions and life start to settle, and the mind once again retreats from knowledge, instead begging for shreds of dreams to stay. The dinner with Bella and Maya ran through my head, thrashing my sense like a lion attacking a gazelle. We felt good, together. I remembered people pointing, watching us as if we were attractions at the circus, but I just ignored it. Before Bella, I wouldn't have been able to; I would have thrown shit, I would have had a tantrum because that's what I did. If I didn't get my way, or life got too hard, I just did whatever I wanted. The presence of Bella and Maya humanized me. They made it easier not to hate being Edward Cullen. I got up and showered, thinking about sitting on the couch with Bella after she put Maya to sleep. I wanted nothing more than to take her, on the couch, on the wall, on the floor, on the coffee table, on the stairs, anywhere. I wanted to have Bella's legs wrapped around me and her body so close, I could taste her without moving my head. I'd never wanted a woman like that before; fucking had boiled down to repeated movements until it was over. I'd never been excited about just the thought of a woman wrapped around me. With little effort, Bella had me eating out of the palm of her hand, and with even less effort, Maya had me wrapped around her littlest finger, thus leading to the problem of why I hadn't taken Bella on the couch, on the wall, on the floor, on the coffee table, on the stairs. I wasn't going to ruin everything. I couldn't be away from Maya, and if I messed up my relationship with Bella, I wouldn't just lose one; I'd lose both. Bella was eager, I think, just as excited as I was, but I knew she'd regret doing anything with Maya around. I needed Bella, uninhibited. As I drove to their house, I realized how different life was now. In my backseat, I had a booster seat. If someone had told me four months ago I'd have a booster seat in a fucking Volvo, I'd have laughed straight in their face. Edward Cullen didn't do kids, he didn't do messy, sticky fingers, he didn't make sandwiches or pretend to be barnyard animals, he didn't drive fucking Volvo's. But, since the day I met Maya, nothing seemed more natural to me. Taking care of her was like breathing. It was natural to know when she had to use the bathroom, when she was having a bad day, when she needed to take a nap. I made decisions based around other people, and for the first time in my life, I was completely unafraid. I was brainwashed, I was confused, I was clouded by whatever was happening, but it had been so gradual, so easy, that I never noticed I was in so deep I couldn't reach the surface anymore. "Good morning," I greeted Bella as I walked inside of the quiet home. She was still wearing sweats and a tank top, her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head. "You're up early," she smiled sleepily over her mug as I stretched my neck and kissed her, enjoying the extreme worth and coffee flavored lips. She pulled away sooner than I would have liked. "Sorry, morning breath." "Edward!" my favorite little voice called from the kitchen as I followed Bella inside. Sitting at the bar, pieces of toast in each hand over her head, a smiling, happy girl called for me. "Morning, Meija," I smiled at her and kissed her cheeks as she threw her toast back on the plates. I washed the jelly off of her arms with a towel Bella handed me. "What are you doing getting into trouble so early?" "No trouble," she assured me with a smile as I kissed her cheek. She took a nibble of her toast and offered me a bite, which I accepted. When I looked over, I caught Bella watching us, a weird look on 85

her face, which she quickly hid with a smile. "So, I was thinking," I started awkwardly. "That since this is my last weekend in town for a while," I trailed off, trying to gauge Bella's reaction. Her smile faltered for a moment, but he eyes ushered me on with the point. "I could take you guys out for the day?" "Where you going?" Maya asked as Bella went to open her mouth. "I have to go to my house, in LA," I informed her, handing her a sippy full of milk. "I have some work to do there between shooting here." "Oh," Maya nodded as if she understood. "You're going to be working here, then commuting to LA on weekends?" Bella asked as she rinsed her mug out in the sink. "Yeah, James has a lot of stuff for me to do so I can start promoting and looking for a new script. Lots of boring meetings, nothing fun," I assured her, hoping she'd see the meaning behind it. I don't think I could have fun at clubs while I would be constantly checking the clock, thinking about all the things I'd be missing here. "It just sounds like a lot of work and traveling," Bella reminded me. I shrugged. "Don't worry about me," I added, picking Maya out of her chair and setting her on the ground once she finished. "I won't be able to take you guys out for a while, so I thought we could have a fun day, together." "What do you have in mind?" Bella smiled as she let the idea of me leaving drop. I made sure Maya was in the living room before I let Bella walk between my legs and rested my hands on her hips. Her arms swung around my neck as she pushed herself against hip. "The zoo," I informed her with a gulp. Her eyes trained on my lips as she bit her own. "Then I plan on making you dinner tonight at my place since you got us a babysitter. I figured I could explain my trips to LA and some ideas James has for me." "Sounds good," Bella whispered. I felt the breeze of her words on my lips, and it grew increasingly hard for me to think clearly. I felt Bella lean into me more, her stomach rubbing horribly right over the strain in my shorts. Her face burned as the blood rushed to her cheeks. I grew sheepish, ashamed at how little control I had. I was Edward Cullen; I was control. Bella didn't pull away though, instead, pushed harder and pulled her body up a few inches as she kissed me, slowly. The length of my problem ran along her stomach, and as completely embarrassed I was by the moment, I wasn't going to let a nice make out session pass me by completely. Bella's lips were urgent against my own as I got a caffeine buzz from her java-tainted lips. My hands swooped off of her hips and moved down to cup her ass. She moaned into my mouth as she sat down on her tiptoes, rubbing against me once again. I loved the feeling of her ass in my palms. It fit, perfectly. Bella's hands pulled at the hair on the back of my head. I'd come to see that this was her thing; it was her way to keep some control. I pulled her closer, forcing Bella to rub against my erection once again. She seemed to enjoy it as she smiled against my lips. "I think we better stop," she whispered, her lips somewhat swollen. A knock at the door echoed her sentiment as she pulled away from my claws. I watched her eyes roam to the tent in my shorts. The blush I was rewarded with was beyond perfect and ego blowing. "Tio Em!" Maya's voice chuckled, quickly reminding me where we were, causing my blood to flow normally. It was painful. "Tia Rose!" "Hey, fishface," Emmett greeted her. They walked in a second later, Emmett carrying Maya. "Morning you two." "Hey," Bella smiled weakly, sneaking peaks at me as I turned so my lower half was under the bar because I still wasn't composed enough. "Lets get this show on the road," Emmett chuckled at Maya making faces at him. "Tell Mama to go 86

get dressed." "You guys are coming too?" Bella asked, somewhat confused. "I am the muscle here," Emmett reminded her, and just like that we were all reminded about how completely unnormal our lives had become. Bella nodded. "I'll be right back," she called as she ran upstairs to get dressed. "So, what's it like feeling up a MILF?" Emmett asked, his eyebrows wiggling. Rosalie smacked him quickly, much to my thanks. I could easily fire him, but at the same time, he wasn't an employee. Another weird thing that had developed in my life. I had friends. "Sometimes I just don't know what to do with you," Rosalie growled and shook her head. "What?" he feigned innocence. We just shook our heads. Maya laughed at him getting into trouble. I cleaned up the kitchen while Emmett played with Maya, holding her above his head and throwing her. She loved it and soon her laughter filled the room. "So the movie star does dishes as well?" Rosalie asked as she leaned against the counter and watched me. "I'm capable of a lot of things," I retorted. "Hey, stop throwing my child around," Bella scolded Emmett as she came back into the kitchen. She grabbed Maya and put her on her hip. It was a familiar sight that always seemed to make me feel better. Bella was meant to be with Maya, anyone could see it. "Aw, she likes it, Bells," Emmett explained. Bella shook her head and reached in the fridge for some juice boxes and snacks. I got a lunch bag out and we packed it. "We'll meet you guys there," Emmett called as they walked outside with us and Bella locked her door. I pulled my baseball hat lower on my head and adjusted Maya on my hip. I watched them hop into Rose's beamer and soon loaded Maya into her seat. "I could drive too, you know?" Bella told me as she crawled into the passenger seat. "But this is my surprise, so I'm driving," I taunted her. She stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes like a child. "Where we going?" Maya asked from the back. "It's a surprise," I smiled at her. We drove with quiet banter as we debated at what age it was acceptable to introduce Maya to the Clash. Bella claimed we had to wait until she was at least six, much to my disappointment. What she didn't know though, was Maya and I had been rocking out to the London Calling album for the past week. I put a CD in, claiming that Maya couldn't be raised on Beatles alone. The familiar chords of the Shins started to play and Bella relented. I smiled in victory. When we pulled into the zoo parking lot, I noticed how many people were there, and it gave me a little bit of a fright. I wasn't a fan of big groups or crowds. "Where we?" Maya asked as I pulled her out of the car and placed her on my shoulders. It made me feel more comfortable, knowing where she was at all times. "It's called a zoo," Bella informed her, grabbing the backpack full of snacks and juice. "There are lots of animals here." "Aminals?" Maya asked, gripping my cheeks happily. "Like who?" "We'll just have to go see, won't we?" I asked as we walked up to Emmett and Rosalie. "Man, I haven't been to the zoo in years," Emmett stated, just as excited as Maya. Rosalie just held his hand and followed as I bought us all tickets. Bella tried to protest, but I hushed her with a quick peck and a grin. "Where to first?" I asked as she followed me into the park. Kids were everywhere, and it had that familiar smell of animals, fried food, and chlorine. "Bears!" Emmett asked eagerly, his eyes getting big at the sign that pointed the way. 87

"Bears!" Maya agreed, squeezing my cheeks after slapping them somewhat. So began our day at the zoo. Maya was absolutely amazed to be so close to all of the animals she pretended to be every day. It seemed like she enjoyed every minute, often pulling on my shirt when I held her to get my attention and see the 'silly hippopopotomous' or the 'sleep tiger'. I spent the say snapping pictures of Bella and Maya, or all of us together in front of the animals. The petting zoo took up a lot of our time, as Maya couldn't be pulled away from petting the bunnies and goats. Bella was less than excited to have llama slobber on her shoulder, but it made Maya laugh, so she took in stride. "I think it's time to head over to the penguins," I whispered to Bella as I checked my watch. We sat in the shade watching Maya feed ducks giant handfuls of food they would let drop and she would pick up and try to shove down their throats. We were eating our grapes and drinking our juices boxes, occasionally getting Maya to sit still enough to rest. She seemed to have unending energy to play with the petting zoo animals. "Why?" Bella asked as she picked up our trash. I just shrugged and grabbed Maya. Emmett and Rosalie followed. They seemed to be enjoying the day as much as we were, and it was only made better by the fact that I didn't need Emmett to act as a bodyguard, and instead he could just bewell Emmett. "Come on Maya," I called as I threw her on my shoulders. "Time to go see the penguins." I had always figured they were her favorite because out of all of the days I watched her, she had been a penguin much more frequently than any other animal, not to mention her love of the movie The Penguin and the Pebble that I snuck to let her watch. "Penguins!" she cheered. Bella laced her hand in my back pocket as I wrapped my arm around her waist. She gave me a small smile as we walked together. I felt her squeeze my ass gently before relaxing. "Hey," I whispered after a little jump. "Hey, turnabout is fair play," she whispered back with a wink. I shook my head and fell for her all over again. In the land of Bella, there were three personalities; the shy, hidden teenager, the protective mother, and the incredibly rare sex kitten. I favored the last one, but it was quite rare, like a liger. But fuck me if I didn't mind when it came out to play. We walked to the exhibit quickly, as I hurried our pace. Before we walked into the cool aquarium like set up they had, I led us down a path to a door that screamed 'no entrance'. "I don't think we're allowed in here," Bella warned as she looked around uneasily. I rolled my eyes and knocked. "Ah, Mr. Cullen," a friendly woman opened the door. I recognized her voice as the one I talked to on the phone. "It's nice to meet you." She shook my hand. "It's nice to finally meet you, Jane," I gave her a giant smile as she led us all in the back. "I trust my check made it and everything?" "Oh yes," she nodded eagerly. "We won't be able to thank you for your generosity." "All for a good cause," I stopped her as I pulled Maya off of my shoulders and held her hand. "What's going on, Edward?" Bella leaned into me and asked. "We're going to meet some penguins," I whispered back. Her eyes bugged slightly. "I think you only get to see the bad side of me being Edward Cullen. Welcome to the good part." "Holy shit, we're going to meet penguins," Emmett gasped and cheered. It wasn't much of a surprise why him and Maya got along so well. "Ok guys," Jane smiled as we stood outside of the pen looking out to the exhibit. She handed us hand sanitizer that Bella helped Maya with. "I'm going to bring our two favorite penguins out, Samson and Delilah. Be gentle, and we'll let you feed them." "Holy shit," Bella whispered, still stunned somewhat. "Edward, how did you do this?" 88

"Donated some money towards the new laboratory," I explained with a shrug. Bella hugged me tightly before I could really finish. "Maya is never going to forget this, thank you," she whispered, clutching me as if I'd disappear. Emmett cleared his throat and we were brought back to reality. Two little black penguins walked out towards us. Maya gasped and her eyes got really big. Bella kneeled down with Maya and hugged her tightly as they came closer. "Say hello," Jane laughed as they stopped and stared at Maya. Their flippers wiggled at their side and Emmett laughed heartily. "God, they're so formal," he teared up, laughing at the animals that came up to his knees. "Mama, look," Maya whispered, pointing at them. "Penguins." "You can pet them," Jane explained before delving into the description of their breed or whatever else there is to say about penguins. Maya stretched out her hand and ran it along their backs. Bella helped her, and I snapped pictures. She looked like the epitome of joy. It made me feel good, to know that I helped put that smile on her face. "Can we get it?" Maya asked as she fed them fish. I wanted nothing more than to buy that girl a penguin at that moment. "You can't have penguins as pets," I explained, kneeling to her level. She stared at me with the pout I had taught her. "They need to live at the zoo." "But I like them," she sighed, looking at me hopefully. "We can come visit them again, ok?" I asked as Jane ushered the penguins back into their enclosure. Maya waved goodbye and the penguins paused and waved back as best they could after Jane told them. "I think it's time to go," Bella picked Maya up as she rested her head on her shoulder. "Someone didn't take a nap and was up early." "But we didn't get to see the snakes," Emmett protested gently. He caught a glimpse of Maya and got quiet as we walked back to the throngs of people. "I promise we'll come again," I explained to Maya and Emmett somewhat. They both perked up as we walked back to the cars. "You need me anymore?" Emmett asked as he stood by the passenger door of Rosalie's car. I shook my head and gave them both my thanks. "Hell, I had fun," he quieted me. "Not a lot of people get paid to go play with penguins." I laughed and continued walking to our car. "Did you have fun?" I asked the rearview mirror. Maya just nodded with a dreamy smile on her face. "Samson and Delilah my new best friends," she explained. "What about Seth?" Bella asked, somewhat amused. "He no penguin," Maya scolded her, her brow furrowing. "Samson and Delilah penguins. They best penguin friends." Bella nodded as if that made perfect sense. "So, I'll see you later Bella?" I asked as I pulled into her driveway. "I'll be over after seven when I put this penguin down to bed," she informed me as she unhooked Maya's seatbelt. I offered to help but Bella shook her head and gave me a wave. "Goodnight, Maya," I called, earning a small wave a smile over Bella's shoulder. I watched them get inside, only leaving when the door was shut behind them. I drove home with a giant smile on my face, thinking of Maya at the zoo and how perfect her whole trip had been. I stopped at a grocery store to pick up some supplies for dinner, but didn't get anything after being spotted by some teenage girl and practically mobbed. My day of anonymity had convinced me that it could always be that way, and I forgot myself for the moment. I hightailed it to my car, empty handed, and decided I could just throw out the Chinese food in the fridge and order more. 89

I cleaned up my apartment, but realized it really wasn't that dirty. I was never there long enough to make it dirty, as most of my life was spent at Bella's or on set in my trailer. I gave up after an hour, trying not to glance at the clock anymore, I got on my computer and uploaded pictures. I sent them to Alice and Esme, realizing they would love them more than anything else. I had never seen to happier doting aunt or grandmother. I wanted to send them to Charlie, but I assumed he didn't really check email, so I asked Alice to print out a few copies of each to give to Bella. Flipping through the pictures, I found one of Bella and Maya, laughing as they fed the pony some hay. Bella looked carefree, at ease. It was nice. Images of the tired woman on the plane flashed in my head with each blink, and I wondered if it was a mask, if she was just as good an actor as I was, or if she was actually living. One caught my eye the most though; one of Bella, Maya and I as we stood in front of the giraffe cages. Emmett must have snapped it because none of us were paying much attention to the camera. Maya had her head resting on top of my own, I had one arm holding her leg and the other around Bella as she leaned against my chest. My eyes were closed as were Bella's as we both laughed at Maya pointing at the giraffes. I set it as my background without hesitation, smiling at the moment that was captured. I closed my laptop and set it on the coffee table. It's a weird life to lead; one waiting and waiting and waiting for something you never knew you needed. I ordered food and absently watched SportsCenter, hoping to see how the Dodgers were doing, and maybe plan on catching a game with Emmett while were down on business. It'd be nice to go to a game with friends, instead of business. I changed clothes, throwing my shorts and shirt in the laundry room before finding a clean pair of jeans. A knock at the door stopped me from finding an acceptable shirt, so I padded to it door with my wallet to pay for the Chinese. "Cold?" Bella laughed as she stood behind the door I just thrust open. I cocked my head as she started to giggle a little more. I looked her up and down and smirked to myself. Bella wasn't one to try exceptionally hard to look good; it came naturally, and she looked beautiful in her skin, and tonight she didn't disappoint. My eyes eagerly drank in the short shorts that led to miles of leg, up to the tank top that let a strap of her bra peak through on one shoulder. I crossed my arms over my chest and realized what she was referencing and blushed. "Um, you can come in," I opened the door a little wider. For some reason, even as I was blatantly checked her out, it made me self-concious to know that she was doing the same thing. Bella walked in with a blush just as the delivery guy walked down the hall. I paid him and returned with the bags of food and set the on the coffee table. Bella sat with her legs tucked under her body on the couch, watching my every movement. "Do you not own any shirts?" she smiled at me. "I'll be right back," I stood back up and walked down the hall. "Don't hog all of the egg rolls." I quickly threw on a shirt, not caring what it was, and walked back to find Bella setting up all of the food. "You picked all my favorites," she smiled as I sat beside her on the couch. I grabbed a box and started eating, my chest puffing with pride. "Did Maya fall right asleep?" I asked as Bella leaned back, resting against my side as she dug into her box. "Hardly," she snorted. "I set her down to make dinner, and she wouldn't stop talking about the zoo. She kept asking me about all of the animals, if they were tired, what they were eating, if the ostriches were sad because they didn't have fingers." "You're daughter is absolutely amazing," I laughed, thinking about all of the questions she probably 90

had for Bella. "She is," Bella mused. "I calmed her down when she took her bath. About one sentence into her story for the night, she was asleep." "So Ben will have an easy night watching her, huh?" I asked, snagging a bit from Bella's chopstick. "Hey," she protested. I shrugged and kept eating. "Well, I don't know how good of a night he'll have. Angela is tutoring him in Biology." "Oh, biology?" I sang, laughing to myself. "Yeah?" Bella asked as her answer. "The only thing he'll be studying with her is anatomy," I laughed, setting my food down. "I doubt it," Bella scoffed as she put hers down as well. "Angela is a preacher's kid, and a sweetheart, I doubt Ben has a chance with her." "Sometimes opposites attract," I warned her. "I mean, how many people would think a movie star would have a change with an English teacher who is so much smarter and prettier than he is?" "I think you got that backwards," she informed me, nuzzling into my side. "Or at least that's what the magazines and the world is going to say." "Bella, do you want me?" I asked after a moment of quiet. She sat up straighter, pulling away to look into my eyes. "Yes," she sighed. "Do you believe that I want you?" the harder question came out finally. I watched Bella's eyes search my face. There was something otherworldly about her glance, something scanning deeper than I'd like. "Yes," she nodded. "Then what does it matter what anyone else says?" I asked, smiling slightly. "I guess it doesn't," she moved to rest along my side again, but I turned and pulled her into my lap. I enjoyed feeling her on top of me, in any capacity. Her legs locked on either side of my waist, and the familiar position did nothing to make my blood pump normally and not collect in one prominent spot. "I don't care what you call me, Bella," I explained, holding her cheeks in my hands. "But I'm not going to look at anyone else. I'm monogamously devoted to you, and Maya." "So no toddlers and pb&j's on the side?" she asked with a sly grin. I shook my head. "I can say the same thing." I kissed her then, as I did on the beach that night when I realized I needed her in more than a friend capacity. Bella's fists rooted in my shirt instead of my hair, pulling me closer as she leaned forward and sat up on her knees, towering above me. Her lips were soft, straining and searching. I felt her grind against me, soliciting a moan from my throat I almost didn't recognize. I let her hands slip under my shirt and pull it over my head. "I think you don't like me to wear shirts," I cajoled her as she ran her fingernails along my chest. She smiled softly before closing her eyes and kissing me; an angel kissing on a sinner. I let my hands wonder to the edge under her shirt, but she pulled away quickly, to my dismay. I watched her smirk and pull the shirt over her head. I was assaulted with skin, and wasted no time in acquainting myself with her chest, her neck, her collarbone. I didn't think I could find enough places to kiss her, my lips were that hungry. "Edward," she moaned as I slipped her bra off a few minutes later. Our hips were already moving together, undeterred by the fact it was incredibly high school of us to keep fabric between us. Each swirl she made with her hips was so nice to feel, yet at the same time, hurt so much. "Bella, I need you," I hissed as her lips moved to my neck, her hips rocking harder. "I need you, now," she whispered, a tone mixed with lust and thirst. I stood up, hating the constraints of my jeans as Bella wrapped her legs around me, as I'd always wanted. "If this happens, I don't think I'll be able to control myself when I'm around you," I explained, 91

palming her bare breast, forcing her to arch into me. "I'll always think of being inside of you." "That's what I'll think of too," she moaned as I somehow twirled us onto my bed. "It'll hurt, to be away," I whispered, working on the button of her shorts. "It'll hurt no matter what," she stated, lifting her hips to get out of the cursed shorts. I stared at her lace-clad hips and groaned. Her tiny hands reached for my jeans and I kicked them down while kissing her harder than before. I tweaked her nipple, earning a growl and a bite from her, which did nothing to deter my hand from traveling lower. It slipped under the flimsy fabric and found Bella just as turned on as I was. I slid a finger along her, amazed at how wet she was for me. "God, Bella," I moaned through our kiss. I felt her chest press against my own with each gulp for breath. "Edward, if you don't fuck me right now, I'm going to explode," she lamented, throwing her head back as I hit a sensitive spot. "What, and miss you writhing around in my bed?" I chuckled vindictively. "Now," she groaned, pulling my neck towards her before she kissed it roughly. I slid my boxers down, and slowly, as I detangled myself from her tight hold, flicked her scrap she called underwear on the floor. "I've been wanting to hear you say this for so long," I smiled, situating myself between her legs. Bella smiled and pushed the hair off of my face. "Make me feel," she sighed, her hands gripping my neck gently. In a blinding, throbbing moment, Bella and I became one. Her eyes closed instantly and her neck became exposed as she threw her head backwards. "God, Edward," she moaned. I felt every piece of her then, every question I ever had was answered. I left her legs around me, pulling me deeper. It left little room for me to move, but I did. My body was close to hers, our breathing causing our stomachs and chests to become slick with sweat. I tasted the droplets from her shoulder, kissing along to her jaw. "Fuck, Bella," I moaned as she bit my neck. I felt her breathing, cool and heavy compared to the think layer of sweat on my body as we rocked together. I palmed her chest again, soliciting tiny moans and mews from her voice. "I'm..rightthere." she gasped between thrusts. I rested my forehead on hers, our breath mingling into one unending moment. I picked up the pace, needing her to jump with me. She stared back at me, only seeing each other's eyes. Suddenly, hers snapped shut as she let out one long, "Edward, fuck, God." And she clamped down on me hard. That was all I needed, to finally let the coil in my stomach release completely. "Jesus, Bella," I whispered, my head falling beside hers in a defeated pile of limbs. I tried not to move, the sensations too much. "Don't move," she whispered, kissing the shell of my ear. Her arms were wrapped around my shoulders, her legs still locked around me. I was still inside of her, we were still joined. "That was" "Something you'd be interested in trying again?" I filled in for her as I kissed her cheek, nose, chin, eyes, and lips. "Very much," she sighed, allowing me to rest on her tired body. Her legs relaxed, and I moved just enough to rest on her chest. Her fingers ran through my damn hair as I traced her hipbone. I could feel her, warm and wet against my stomach, and it only turned me on more. "There's no going back," I whispered. "There never is," she answered somewhat sadly. "I wish you could stay here tonight," I sighed, turning my head to look up at her. There was something incredibly erotic about looking at Bella from this angle, straight up her naked chest as her hair was thrown all over the place after the throws of passion. "We'll cross that bridge another day," she smiled. 92

For the moment, I was content enough to go slowly, though dreading waking up again tomorrow alone, with nothing but the scent of what once was.

93

Chapter 15
The nightlight in Maya's room was probably my favorite part of the entire house. It wheeled around from her nightstand, portraying stars and dinosaurs in shadows and darkness, so consistently I thought they'd burn an orbit into the walls. I watched the bright spots, flash across Maya's sleeping face and disappear without her even noticing. There was peace here, no matter how quickly time kept moving towards a new day. For now, the only thing that mattered was how completely empty my brain was, void of transgressions, void of doubt, void of memories of things that not only went bump in the night, but killed and left me terrified of the dark. I wasn't sure how long I'd been sitting there, on the floor beside her bed, since I let Ben and Angela go home for the night. Time didn't exist here. I was letting life race past me, forcing me to make decisions or whims. That might be the only part of the old Bella that remained; my complete fear of whims. I was terrified of using my gut. Last time I did that, I managed to bring a kid home from Guatemala. I loved Maya, but every day I was picked apart with every decision I made concerning her. Was it ok that she went to daycare? What if the kids picked on her? Is it too hot for her to wear that shirt? Will she resent me for taking her away? Did she eat enough at dinner? Is she dehydrated? Did she brush her teeth? How am I supposed to explain where she came from? I had another human being's well being assigned to me, and I could barely take care of myself most days. If I messed up with Maya, I couldn't even think of what would happen. "What am I getting us into?" I whispered as I pushed the hair from my sleeping daughter's face. I had just taken the final leap with Edward, and I hadn't even thought about what this mean for my family. I wasn't ready for Maya to be hurt, to be subjected to gossip, and that was surely what was going to happen if I continued on my way with Edward. "What are we going to do?" I watched her back move up and down with each reassuring breath as she pulled the sweatshirt closer to her body. Every decision I'd made has been for her. Edward wasn't though; he was my decision. If I didn't have Maya would I have even looked at Edward, or him at me? If I didn't have her, would I be more ready to run to his open arms? 'If's' seemed pointless to me now, because every thought in my life was about making sure this tiny, helpless girl was the happiest, most loved human in existence. Between each breath, as inevitably ours became matched, accenting each other, the silence for an instant in time, was deeper than any other sound. I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes, hoping to avoid the dizziness that came from watching the dinosaur orbits. "I'm leaving tomorrow night," Edward whispered as his fingers warmed my bare shoulder blade. I sighed and continued to mimic his patters, duplicating them on his chest. The downy hair sprang and moved with each pass of my finger. "I'll be grading papers," I responded, smiling slightly at my exciting, wild night. "I'm going to miss you," he let all of the air in his lungs out into the world. I sank into his ribs and begged for him to fill them again. "I'm not going anywhere," I assured him, flattening my palm against his pectoral muscle, feeling the warmth and pump of blood under it. I felt small, insignificant, and anything but in his arms. "I hate that I have to be constantly running around," Edward continued. I let him pull my hair from my neck as his deft fingers massaged the muscles there. 94

"Don't worry about us," I tried to ease his mind. Maya and I didn't need someone to support us. We had a wonderful family and tons of friends. We'd survived more than he could even dream. "I'm not," he explained. I felt each muscle in his body under my own, and I loved it. "I don't want to turn into what I was." I let my fingertips trace along his rib cage now, letting the questions cut there. Reluctantly, I picked myself off of Maya's floor, and kissed her forehead once more before walking on unsteady legs across the hall to my own room. I let the light from her nightlight provide enough for me to pull off the clothes that smelled of Edward, and to put on more clothes that inevitably smelled like him. He had soaked into everything. I had never been happier, realizing that I had a man who loved Maya and was unbelievably supportive of us both. I had never been more petrified, realizing I had a man, who, whether conscious of it or not, held my heart in his hands. I had never been angrier, realizing I had been selfish to put myself in this position, and not just myself, but Maya as well. I had never been more exited, realizing that for the first time since Guatemala, I went to bed waiting for the morning. Days passed quickly after the first might I spent with Edward Cullen. I was lucky enough to watch my daughter excel at everything she put her mind towards. From swimming in the evenings when I did pool practices with the team, to helping me fold laundry, Maya could do anything, and everyday, it amazed me. She spoke less, instead opting to use the power of silence talk for her, and I had come to see that it was just the way she was. Calculated, compassionate, Maya would sooner hug me than ask me what was wrong. She never let anyone know what was wrong with her either, which attested to how she had survived even more. "How much tall is the moon?" Maya asked one night as we walked home from the park. I picked her up and held her as high as I could towards the celestial body. "Can you touch it?" I asked as she stretched her hands out towards it indefinitely. "It feel empty," she sighed, holding her hands in a circle around it, as if she was actually touching it. "Why it empty?" I put her back on her rightful place at my hip and kissed her nose as she continued to gaze at the moon that was pulling higher above the skyline. "It's not empty," I promised as she sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. "It's really high in the sky, so high that you have to fly in a rocket ship to visit it." "How high?" she asked, eyes glazing in wonder. "How much do I love you?" I asked with a smile. "To the moon and back," she whispered, as if that was an acceptable term of measurement. "That's how high it is," I clutched her closer for a moment as we paused on the porch to stare at the moon one last minute. "Wow," she sighed. 95

Weeks passed, the skies became darker earlier, clouds were more frequent as the trees of green and deep brown bristled with pine cones or turned vibrant hues of oranges, golds, yellows, and reds. With Edward working more now, gearing up for promotion after the holidays, followed by a new role he'd be working on in New York for the rest of the school year, I spent more and more time with Maya as we got acquainted with our new life in the states. We dealt with paparazzi for one week before they finally figured out that Edward wasn't around, and after claiming that I was just a friend of the family, they left. It wasn't as bad as I thought, mostly due to the fact that we had Emmett, and my family helped in watching Maya. "I don't like it at all," Edward shook his head and set his jaw to the tightest setting imaginable. I watched him run his fingers along his face in frustration as he sat on the couch, TV talking to no one in particular. "Well, that makes two of us," I assured him, flicking the kitchen light of and walking back towards the couch. I crawled to the back of the couch and sat behind Edward, wrapping my legs around his middle and my arms around his chest. I felt like a koala trying to hug a much too big tree trunk. Edward didn't move. "Is it too much?" he asked, turning his head slightly. I felt his hand run along one of my legs and I tightened my arms around his broad chest. I rested my head against his back, listening to each muscle snap and bone creak as his lungs tried to keep up to his heart. I kissed him, through his shirt. "Don't stop when I say when," I whispered. I wasn't sure he heard. This moment was real. No one could take that away, and it was all I needed because I felt something. Alice was still my best friend, and I found myself appreciating her more and more each day. At first, I couldn't tell how she'd changed, but now, two years later, I saw that she was strong, determined, and much more of a loving, benevolent person then when I left. She loved Maya, and I would often find them simply dancing or playing among the rows and towers of fabric in the back of Alice's boutique, happy to have nothing between them but music. They kept me grounded and helped us fall into a stable rhythm. "You know, you're quiet," Alice sighed, running her fingers along my hair as I watched Maya play on the keyboard Edward insisted she needed. "I've always been quiet," I scolded her and turned in her lap to look up at my dreamy best friend. "You were shy, before," she mused, trying her best to soothe me from demons she wouldn't understand and was ashamed to fear. "Now, you're quiet; powerfully quiet." "I'm sorry," I whispered, turning back to smile at my daughter. "Don't be," she assured me, holding my hand now. "It saves you." I still got infrequent letters from Guatemala. Jacob explained what he could, how the kids were and what was happening. They were always weeks late, and I was left to wonder what had happened since. Each letter celebrated the smallest victory, did its best to graze over the defeats. My heart hurt, physically, with each line and phrase. Each word reminded me how helpless I was. Words scribbled on napkins, bills, and even torn pages of books were mailed to me when paper was scarce. I was forced to decipher Jacob's horrible writing and English as if my life depended on it. Bella- We haven't gotten word from you in a few months. I know this is the mail, and not you. The 96

kids all send their love and kisses. I tell them everyday how much you love them and are out there, finding the best toys for them. They have grown despondent and I fear there is no hope for light anymore. We are still under watch, but that is all I can say if I want this letter to be delivered. The only news I have is that we lost Maria to the sickness. She is where the Good goes, when it is set free. I have much to tell you, but I fear that it will not make it to you if I put too much emotion into letters. I hope Maya is well, and you, I hope you are thriving. You deserve it, Bella. Do not think of us with worry or with negative ideas. We are happy. Always know that whatever happens, there is Good, and one day, we will all be set free. Give my love to Maya and my prayers to your heart. Jacob and Leah That was the cycle of my life; eat, sleep, bathe, breathe, kiss Maya, teach English, worry about the lives I left behind, escape with Edward for a few minutes, repeat. It was a daunting circle, but it worked for me. I had a growing daughter, happy, healthy, and Jacob's words ringing in my head, giving me hope that this would end, and there would be a place for the Good to go, before it was set free. Each day, I celebrated small victories, whether they be seeing Edward, giving Maya a new experience, hugging Alice when she least expected it, taking Esme to lunch, or simply smiling when the trees waved a breeze my way. It was manufactured content. It was the only thing I knew. "Mama, what's turkey?" Maya asked again from the back seat. "It's what we're going to eat, because it's Thanksgiving," I explained. "But its aminal," she wondered, brows becoming those mountain ridges I knew so well. "Yes, sometimes we eat animals," I tried to find a good way to explain food consumption so that it wouldn't traumatize her. She grew quiet and stared out the window again at the flashing green blur that was Washington and the outskirts of Forks. There wasn't much said, as I drove us towards Forks for Thanksgiving dinner and a weekend away from the city. Maya loved being out here, and even though she was quiet, I saw the faint smile, the exhaled breath, the serenity that she got only at random times back home. It started when she would sound out words for herself, small ones like 'cat' and 'dog' and 'no'. She would stare at pages as if she was reading, and there was an innate happiness in it. Then, there came the times when I'd let her swim with Ben after practice. She'd sit on the edge of the pool after floundering around and stare at the water, at the way Ben cut through it like a blade, barely making ripples in his cool down exercises, and she was lost to her own thoughts. "Pop-Pop Charlie here?" Maya asked as I pulled up to the giant cabin on the lake. Charlie never missed a visit, and the police cruiser sitting in front of the house only made me smile bigger. Maya loved the flashing lights and playing with the radio, but hated the siren. Every time she heard them in Seattle she'd ask if PopPop was coming to visit. "Everyone is here," I told her as I grabbed her from her booster seat. I would get our bags later. For now, I just wanted to see my family. "Where Edward?" she asked, holding my one hand with both of hers. "He'll be here later," I promised, counting down the hours as much as she was. Edward had been spotty recently, always busy, always tired. He worked himself to the bone just to manage a night in Seattle. I knew he missed his days with Maya as much as she did. "Bella, I have something for you!" Charlie met us on the porch, waiving a letter around and smiling like the devil had snatched his pants. "God, I have something that you're going to flip for!" I'd never seen Charlie sohappy before, and to say it didn't scare me a little was an understatement. The rest of the family followed him as Maya and I reached the stairs. Everyone sported smiles miles long. Charlie handed me a pile of envelopes then swung Maya up into a giant hug. "Dad, what are you raving about?" I laughed as pure joy flashed across his face. The first envelope 97

was a letter from Guatemala and I started to open it eagerly. "No, not that one," Charlie grinned even bigger as I flipped through the stack. An official letter, the government seal and everything was the final one. I stared at it, completely confused at first before everyone ushered me to open it quickly. A small card, ten digits printed on it below 'Maya Swan' fell into my hand. It was heavy, thicker than paper, less than cardboard, much more meaningful than both combined with gold. "This is," I trailed of, brow furrowing in confusion and throat tightening as it was strangled by relief. "This means" I felt my lips tremble as I dropped the other letters and held the card in both hands, pressing it to my chest and staring straight at Maya. "ThisShe's mineforever?" I asked no one in particular. I felt the trail of tears before I realized I was even crying. I was too distracted to even think about my eyes leaking in happiness. My lungs were so empty, I could feel the skin of my chest sticking to the damp sweat on my back. I clutched the card, mashing its perfection in my grip. I would nail it to my chest if it meant never losing it again. I grabbed Maya from Charlie and hugged her to me tightly, just as tightly as the card that meant no one could separate us again. "God, Maya Swan," I sobbed, twirling her around, wanting to never lose this moment of security. "That's me, Mama," she laughed as I twirled us and sobbed. The chest-wrecking sobs did nothing to drown out her confused giggles that prevailed on the gravel driveway. "Yes, forever," I promised myself more than her. I finally stopped and set her down when I realized what a complete idiot I looked like, sobbing and laughing like a lunatic. I wiped my cheeks as quickly as I could before gazing at the couples on the porch. Maya wrapped her arms around my legs, and once again, I felt as if we were coming out to polite society; us against the world. Esme was wrapped in Carlisle's arms, crying along with me, a water smile always present. Emmett had that huge dimpled grin that contradicted every muscle on his bones as he hugged Rosalie and let his head rest atop hers. Alice had her hands clapped over her mouth as she vibrated at a high frequency in Jasper's tight hold, no doubt restricting her from tackling Maya and I full force. I toed the gravel and let my hand rest on Maya's head. "I know that this is weird, me having a kid," I started, clearing my throat of the sadness lodged there. "And I'm still adjusting. But, she's my world, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you, supporting us and helping this happen." "I hope I get counted in this speech," that familiar growl chuckled from a few feet behind me. "Edward!" Maya yelled and ran to his waiting arms. He looked like happiness, arms spread wide and kneeling for his number one fan and sidekick to give him a very scary monster-sized hug. "Hiya Monster," he greeted her as he stood and let her tiny arms wrap around his neck. He growled and kissed and blew raspberries all over her face until her hands latched onto his cheeks to still him as he held her up over his body. She craned her neck and rubbed her nose on his, smiling and keeping her eyes shut tightly. Finally, he sat her down on the ground and stared at me. There were only his eyes, big and pleading, as that trademarked smirk came across his features, that made me smile. He threw his arms open again, this time waiting for me. "And my other girl?" he asked, eyebrows arching and pouting in the most sinful kind of ways. I saw Maya sit on his suitcase he dropped beside him and watch me curiously. Edward's hair burned against the green of the forest behind him, as unkempt as the day I met him. I didn't care that my entire family was standing on the porch, that my face was still puffy from crying, that my heart was already too full and tearing at the seams, that there was a pile of letters on the ground, that my daughter was right beside him, that there was a social security card still firmly mashed in my claws. I ran to Edward. I ran to Edward quicker than I thought I could, and when I reached him, I became an Olympic quality hurdler and I jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist like that koala I'd been 98

known to become around him. I felt strong forearms circle my back; strong arms hold me to an even stronger chest. I let my arms, however inferior, wrap just as tightly around his neck, my legs, just as strong. "Wow," he mumbled into my neck. "A twofer. A guy could get used to this." I felt his chuckle against my belly, but I didn't return it. I just latched tighter and kissed the places my lips could reach pressed so close to him; his neck, his hear, his cheek. He smelled like Edward, clean and with the hint of mint and cinnamon under the manly cologne. He felt like Edward, strong, hard in most places, but pliable under the best conditions. I wasn't sure it was him though, that life could let me be so happy. We hadn't seen Edward in a week, as he was on a trip to New York to meet the director and find an apartment for filming. Hell, we weren't sure he would arrive before turkey time. "Everyone's watching," I sighed, realizing what a show I was putting on, still latched to Edward. I felt the blush appear. They weren't used to seeing me like this, nor were they all favorable to the idea of Edward and I. "Let's give them a show then," he wiggled his eyebrows as I pulled away slightly. Before I could object, Edward's lips found mine, almost like a heat seeking missile, he was always on track. It'd been seven days since I'd last kissed Edward, three times as long since I'd been with Edward. Time was against me again, as the clearing of throats reminded me of the audience. I blushed against and reluctantly let my legs untangle themselves. I looked up awkwardly to find Charlie awkwardly toeing gravel and looking for anything else to capture his interest. "Holy hell, Bella," Emmett whistled. "Who knew you were such a firecracker!" Edward snaked his arm around my waist and beamed as if he'd won the lottery. "Alright, well, let's all just go inside," Esme suddenly spoke up, attempting to relieve the awkwardness. "I'm sure football is on or something." Charlie gladly accepted the offer and turned heeltoe towards the house. "Mama's fast!" Maya smiled, reaching for me to pick her up. I continued to blush and tried to ignore Edward's chuckle. "Thank you," I smiled at her. "So, what did I miss?" Edward asked, hugging both of us to his body. He towered over us both, and it was nice, to be encompassed. I held the card out to him with an even wider smile. He got the same blank stare I did before realizing what it was. "Holy fuck" "Hey," I elbowed him gently. He stared at the card for another minute before giving me another big, teeth included, smile. "I feel like if there's any time you can let me swear, it's now," he reminded me as he picked up his bag and clung to the card as I once did. I nodded and picked up the other letters, slipping them in the side pocket of his bag for later. "You're safe," he whispered, almost to himself. "Forever," I affirmed, setting Maya down on the porch and allowing her to run off to find what crazy adventures Tio Em would let her get into. "How does it feel, to have two Swan women to woo?" I giggled as Edward tucked a hand in my back pocket as he dropped his bag on the stairs and we surveyed the game room. Charlie and Carlisle sat in their own recliners, both with drinks and scowls on their faces at the game. Emmett picked Maya up and held her upside down, playing 'ding dong' as she giggled and protested falsely. Jasper tickled her until she couldn't breathe and the righted her. I watched as Jasper held Maya on his knee for a moment, pointing at the screen as he tried to explain what was happening. Emmett slipped an arm around her and slipped her a piece of candy. 99

"I thought one was enough of a handful, I don't know if I can handle two Swan women," Edward answered quite solemnly. "Charlie, any advice about these here Swan women?" Edward called as we stood in the entryway between the dining room and the living room. "God, save your soul, bless your heart, and may time teach you to duck quickly," Charlie warned quite seriously as he pointed to a tiny scar above his left eye. I rolled my eyes and slapped Edward's chest. "Swan women?" Maya asked as she plopped herself into Charlie's lap. "You're one," he kissed her forehead. "A rare breed that is stubborn as all get out, painfully beautiful, and too much of a smartass for their own good." "Smartass?" Maya asked, hopping out of his lap and running past us towards the kitchen. "Lita, que es smartass?" Esme poked her head from the kitchen and glared at the men on the couch and recliners. "Bad word, sweetie," she smiled and slipped Maya a cookie, throwing me a wink. I shook my head and felt Edward pull me tighter to his body. "Are you ever going to let me go?" I whispered, almost hoping he wouldn't answer. "Once I hook a Swan, I can't imagine throwing it back," he chuckled, kissing the top of my head. I finally extracted myself from Edward's arms, giving Maya up as a substitute so I could help with the work in the kitchen. Rosalie and Alice sat on the bar, both forbidden to touch any form of food or utensil. Not much had changed since the last Thanksgiving I remembered here. I took one more peak into the living room, watching a mop of bronze hair plop onto the couch with a giggling monster in his arms. "Bella Swan, I swear that smile is permanently tattooed to your face," Rosalie mocked me as I turned back to the women. "And I couldn't be happier about it," Alice finished for her. I sat down to dinner, a few hours later, with a heart that was fitting to burst. I watched the people around me, as Edward cut Maya's food for her, spooning a smaller helping of peas than he should have then sneaking me a wink when he was caught. Charlie sat at one head, Carlisle at the other, both like proud roosters watching their flock with puffed chests and twinkling eyes. Food passed, laughs were thrown back and forth, we yelled over each other when telling stories, we scowled and pretended to be mad over secrets from childhood, we taunted Edward for being the outsider. We were finally together, under one roof, for the first time since our last Thanksgiving, and ironically, it was the two faces that hadn't been there last time that had made all the difference to me. Dishes were cleared as coffee and cake and pies were served quickly, followed by Maya wondering off to the game room to play with the presents Carlisle and Esme undoubtedly probably bought her since our last visit. I watched Alice and Jasper joke easily, though they were quiet, somewhat content with their own conversation while Edward and I were forced to listen to Emmett tell a horribly long story about something he remembered from high school. Charlie excused himself to go play with Maya, and I let them go. He was around her the least, and I knew it was important to him to have his own time with her. Alice and Jasper finally snapped out of their own world to call attention to themselves before telling us they were finally engaged, which of course led to hugs and kisses and murmurs of congratulations. Rosalie and Emmett cleared their throats and announced that they were pregnant; earning another round of kisses, hugs, and murmurs of congratulations. After the hubbub died down, six sets of eyes turned to Edward and I, almost waiting for our news. "Not married or pregnant," I shook my head and scowled at them. "Don't get any ideas." "All in good time," Edward winked over my head.

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Chapter 16
"I think someone's ready for bed," Bella whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck from behind the couch. I pulled her arms down, bringing her face lower. Her body near my own was high addictive, in any form. I'd gone a week without touching her, and I wasn't going to go longer than five minutes until I had to leave again. "But I'm not tired yet," I pouted like a child. She kissed my cheek and laughed gently; it sounded like her, and made my smile grow wider in response. "Not you," she scolded. "Maya." I took a peek at the girl lying in my lap just as her head nodded slightly and sat back up in surprise. Bella ran her hands along my chest as she pulled away and disappeared. I ran my hand along her soft, long hair and smiled. Maya sat near me by choice, picking me above every other family member lounging around with bellies full of delicious food. I had missed her more than I thought I would, and often found myself buying insanely girly, pink toys that caught my eye, or even noticing things she might like to do when she got older. I watched the Dodgers play one weekend, and knew I'd have to bring her to a game, get seats on the first base line, buy her a hot dog, cotton candy, popcorn, ice cream, hat, mitt, jersey, the whole nine yards. Another night, I attended a gala at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, and found myself sneaking off to look at the giant rooms of fossils and dinosaur replicas. I took pictures with my phone and sent them to Bella, claiming that Maya had to see this as soon as possible. The little girl in my arms made me enjoy reading about animals, finding new experiences, consider buying a pony, instead of drinking, partying, or being a giant dick. Even when she wasn't around, I felt like I had to set an example. I knew my father was laughing his head off, thinking of me as a role model for anyone's child. "So, which city is it this week? Paris, New York, or LA?" My father asked, almost disinterestedly. "I actually met a waitress, lives in Albuquerque. Thought I'd head down for a weekend, you know, to see the sights," I grinned, remembering the limber waitress I met on the train from LA. "Albuquerque? Who would have guess," he mumbled to himself as he ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah, well lust will make a man due crazy things," I shrugged. "No one said anything about you being a man," he chuckled and traced the glass with his ring finger absently. "Hey Mejia, ready to get a bath?" I asked, picking up her tiny body and noticing the little fight she put up. She rubbed her eyes with fists and rested her head on my shoulder, fitting snugly there. All eyes turned toward us as I moved, and each face looked a little sad to see the youngest of the bunch turning in for the night. "I better be going as well," Charlie grumbled, rubbing his eyes as well as he stood from his comfortable spot in front of the game. "Someone's got to catch those crazy Black Friday speeders." Everyone laughed at his pointed glance in Alice's direction. She just shrugged. "Bye, Maya Swan," Charlie cooed as he kissed her forehead. "Bye bye, PopPop," she sighed and gave him a smile. Charlie Swan didn't seem like a man of many words, or in fact a man of many emotions, but the glint in his eye when she called him that, when she smiled at him only furthered my suspicion that Maya had, in fact, managed to wrap each person in her life so tightly around her finger, it'd turn purple. 101

Everyone wished Charlie a good night, and Bella walked him outside, hugging his waist affectionately. It was amusing to see; the proud, powerful, domineering, firm Bella, instantly daddy's little girl. "Alright, it's way past your bedtime, little one," I murmured as the door shut. "Go say your goodnights." Maya skipped over to the farthest end of the couch to begin her line of kisses, as if she were the queen. I watched as she moved along the line of people who loved her, and it made me smile to myself. She was loved by more people than I could even comprehend. I could count the people that loved me on one hand, and here was Maya, owner of a whole families heart. "You know, you're incredibly loved," I explained as we walked up the stairs. "People that didn't even know you existed a few months ago would gladly give their left ears to make you smile. It's sort of amazing." "I'm free," she whispered, hugging my neck a little tighter as I flicked on the light in her bathroom. I started to run her water as Maya instantly started to tell me about her day, as if I hadn't been there the whole time. Of course, she managed to tell me a few things I hadn't seen, like when Emmett snuck her an extra cookie, or when Jasper stepped on her toy dinosaur and said a bad word, then chased her for laughing at him; he tickled her until they both were laughing too much to move. "So Mama tells me you've been swimming with the big kids," I started as I worked the shampoo into her long hair. Maya nodded with long swipes of her head and a big smile. "Ben make me stay next to the wall, and I don't go alone," she explained as I tilted her chin back and rinsed the suds out. "I lay on my back," she started to giggle, holding her hands up to her mouth to try to hide them, "and spit water up, just like a whale!" I laughed with her enthusiasm. "Oh my gosh, you silly," I shook my head and mock rolled my eyes. "You're not a real whale, are you?" "No Edward!" she squealed and shook her head. "I pretend!" "Are you sure?" I pretended to appraise her. "These look like a tail," I wiggled her toes as I washed them with the washcloth. "And these look like flippers," I washed her arms as she giggled that perfect, innately girly laugh. ""Oh, and what's this?" I asked as I washed her back. "A blow hole?" "I have no blow hole!" she shook her head and felt her back. "I'm Maya, not whale, Edward." "Hm, I guess you could be Maya. But maybe you're turning into a big whale," I laughed and rinsed her off as she kicked her feet and wiggled her toes in the water. "Mama, am I turning like a whale?" she asked, looking over my shoulder. I jumped slightly when I saw Bella leaning against the door, arms crossed and a lazy smile on her face. "No, baby," Bella laughed. "But you might turn into a prune if you stay in that water any longer." Maya made a face and spit out her tongue in disgust. I felt the same way about prunes, so I emptied the tug and wrapped her in a giant fluffy towel before plopping her on the giant bed she would share with Bella. "Mama, you read good story tonight?" Maya asked as I helped her get dressed. Bella plopped down on the bed with a brush in her hair and a book on the nightstand, always ready. "Of course, novia," she smiled, opening her arms enough for Maya to crawl over to her lap. Maya grabbed my sweatshirt and clutched it tightly as Bella began to brush her hair. I couldn't help but smile about that silly jacket; it was the reason I was here, I figured. Whenever I was home, I wore it and put a little of my cologne on it after Bella washed it, hoping to keep the same smell, so at least Maya could remember me. For some reason, she carried it around like a teddy bear. "I can't understand her love for this stupid sweatshirt," Bella shook her head as she threw it in the dryer one night. The only time Bella could manage to wash 102

it was when she would sneak it from Maya's tight grasp at night, then slip it back before going to bed. "It's warm and soft," I answered absently. "So are teddy bears and all of the stuffed animals and dolls she has," Bella huffed. "It's me," I whispered. "I mean, it's me, protecting her." "I guess we all could use a little of that, every now and then," Bella mused, no longer paying attention to me, instead lost. "Can I dream about the north pole tonight?" I heard Maya ask innocently as I hung up her towel and cleaned the bathroom somewhat. It always surprised me how much water got all over the place, no matter how careful I was. Bella was better at it, barely getting a drop anywhere outside of the tub. Of course, Bella was better a just about everything when it came to Maya. They were soul mates, in the purest form of the word. "Mama, why Melquiades die?" Maya asked as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Take it back." "I can't take it back, novia," Bella whispered, running her fingers through Maya's long black hair and holding her head to her chest. "It is how the story goes." "I don't like it," Maya's voice was quiet. Her voice didn't waiver to match the glassy eyes she had. I sat there, arms over my chest, trying not to move. Bella didn't even look at me, too wrapped up in her daughter to notice how awkward I felt. They always had this way, this connection that cut them out of the world. "I don't either," Bella whispered. She set the book down and pulled Maya to her lap, hugging her tightly coiled body to her chest. "But, we'll read more, and we'll be happy. And next time we read this book, we'll love him even more because we'll know that he's not there forever." "Al vivo la hogaza y al muerto, la mortaja," Maya sighed, twirling Bella's hair in her tiny fingers. "Desgracia compartida, menos sentida," Bella responded with a frown, wiping the tears from Maya's cheeks. "Your tears are my tears, Maya." "Your heart is my heart," Maya smiled slightly and closed her eyes as Bella rocked them slightly. Bella closed her eyes as well. I know they said more in the silence than in the words. I slipped out of the bedroom as the two ladies of my life began to read The Day The Goose Got Loose. As much as I hated leaving, as I wanted to spend every second listening to Maya laugh, I had learned that before bed was one of the times that Maya and Bella were both raw. It was at this time, every night, they would read a book, and whisper and giggle and be completely normal, themselves. It was intimate and I was often ashamed to witness it because I envied the contentment that existed there. I walked outside, eventually making my way towards the beach. Something about the family togetherness, and the absence of my father, combined with the bond Bella and Maya had made me want to runaway. I was out of place again; when I thought about it too much, and I didn't want to think, so I let my feet move, fight the sand. I watched the water reflect the sky and the sky reflect the water. The water lapped at the shore, pulled in so many directions by things that shouldn't really have an effect on 103

water; the moon, pulling strings like a puppet master, calling the lake to escape it's hole, while at the same time, pushing it back into it's rightful place. The lapping came to be the waves only prayer, hoping for it to stop, for the pushing and pulling of such a distant lover to be cut. "Making a break for it?" Bella's voice startled me from eavesdropping on the pained argument that was nothing more than a nightly war. I looked up from my perch on the cool sand and dug my feet in a little deeper, rooting myself for her. "Never," I smiled, halfway, and opened my arms. She fell into my lap as my legs constricted around her, much like she enjoyed doing to me. It was different though, because I was able to encompass her completely, my body eclipsing her own. She shivered and melded to my skin. "Maya put up any fight?" "Not at all," Bella chuckled as we curled and tied ourselves into a knot. "As soon as I flipped to the last page, she fell asleep. I think it was all the turkey, or cookies Emmett keeps sneaking her." I nuzzled her neck and laughed against it. "Or all of the love here overwhelmed her," I sighed, resting my chin on Bella's shoulder. I accompanied the weight of the world well. "I suppose that's a good thing to have around," she mused, lacing a hand through my hair before absently scratching gently. We sat, not really thinking about anything. I ran my hands along Bella's stomach, her thighs, her knees, and in turn, she traced my forearms, my thighs, my neck. We didn't speak, but we said everything. I told her about my father when I squeezed her tightly and she caved her back into mine. She told me how scared she was as she kissed my palm, then each knuckle individually. I told her I'd protect her when I straightened and tucked her head under my head and kissed its crown. She told me my father loved me by sighing and leaning against me for strength. "I really missed you," she finally let out in a rush of breath. I couldn't help but chuckle and smile. "I really missed you too," I assured her as I kissed her cheek when she turned to hear me correctly. "This next semester is going to be hard, with you in New York," Bella stated, not with emotion, just as a simple fact. "I know," I sighed. "But I have some three day weekends I can fly out, and I though you guys could come visit maybe during spring break?" I was nervous, when the idea actually sputtered out of my mouth. It's a finite thing to do, to say something out loud. It gives reality to it, and the opportunity for rejection. Saying things make them real, and real things are never as good. "To New York?" Bella asked. I tightened my hold on her, telling her not to run, begging her to stay. "Yes." "Could we see Central Park?" she smiled. "I think Maya would flip." "Anything," I promised, the hardest part of my heart quickening. "You were nervous, to ask me?" Bella asked after a few minutes of quiet. "A little," I acquiesced. "I don't want to rush this. I want to tell you that I care about you, but you'll run at those words, and I want to show you, but any sudden movements and you'll skitter like a deer. I don't know what I'm ready for, but I know that I want you, and I just, I don't know, honestly." I felt like I needed a rewrite, for the director to yell cut, slap the tape, grab me by my shoulders and tell me to get my shit together, I was sounding like a pussy. "You promised not to stop when I said when," she whispered, shaking her head disapprovingly. "I'm saying when," I sighed. "Then we're not stopping," she decided. I had no idea what it meant, but she didn't move, so I didn't either. She bit my thumb then kissed it. She told me her answer. "I care about you." I let go of my grip on Bella; I detached my legs and stretched them at her sides before lifting her and turning her towards me. I cupped her cheeks in my hand, and I held the moon. "I wish you'd let me sit still for one night," I sighed, whispering the prayer of the waves to Bella's 104

smile. She cocked her head slightly before biting her lip and looking at me through her lashes; it was deadly. "You're beautiful, you know?" she asked, tracing my eyebrows with delicate fingers. "Painful and sharp," she whispered, her breath fanning over me and warming me to the bone. I felt her legs wrap around my waist, as her eyes read me like a book. She never looked in my eyes, but she saw everything there was about me. She traced the scar on my forehead, a tiny crescent from falling off of the jungle gym in the third grade. She ran her finger along my nose a few times, finding the crook in it that was only passed from Cullen to Cullen. Her frown increased as she figured out I'd been a bad person, more than she would have thought as she found the scar on my jaw from a fight over drugs a few years ago. She found my faith when she traced my Adam's apple; she found my voice when she tugged my earlobe. "You're made up of fragments, harshly abused up close. That's what makes you beautiful." I watched as Bella smiled slightly as her hands rested against my chest, steadying herself. She finally looked me in the eye, but only for the briefest of eternities. Her lips kissed the corner of my mouth softly. My head was lit, completely, and I was on fire, turning to vapor on her searing mouth. "I'm not used to being called beautiful," I warned. "Isn't the correct term 'handsome'?" "No," she smiled again, the dreamy kind that came from prophets when they gave up control. "The most beautiful things have known pain. You have known it, too well." I couldn't help but scoff at this, this angel mocking a sinner. I furrowed by brow and pulled her towards me, kissing her in a way I'd wanted to for the past nine days, but had been unable to due to time and space and tides and longitudes. It was the kind restricted by need, struggling to tell her that I was a bad person, that I was not beautiful. She fought me though, her lips soft and sweet, like I imagine deliverance probably tastes like. "You are beautiful," I whispered, leaning my forehead on her nose. I let my hands slide under her shirt and hold her ribs. "I missed you," she sighed, kissing my forehead. "I think I'd miss you if you never were here again." "That'll never happen," I whispered against her neck as my lips dragged against the soft skin hidden behind her soft hair. "I feel you in my head, and I don't even know you." "I gave you a second glance, and that was all," she explained as her hands gripped my neck as I sucked on flesh. "I felt you in my heart, before I was supposed to." "I'm glad I got a second glance," I chuckled. "It made you mine before I even realized it." "No," she shook her head as she pulled my lips to hers. "It made me lose myself." "You can't lose something you're never meant to have," I kissed her, pulling her body flush with my chest. "I found you, and I'll keep you. You figured me out, and you'll keep me. Self-awareness is faulty and unnecessary. Who are you?" "A girl who straddles her boyfriend at all times?" Bella asked, with a smirk. "What else is there?" I smiled back at her. "Nothing," she kissed me again, this time grinding her lips against me to tell me how right I was. I let my body tell her every secret I ever had, that I would keep her safe, that every day I'd touch her, tell her about herself in ways she never knew. In her touch there was the pull and push of the moon, and for the night, it was enough. Al vivo la hogaza y al muerto, la mortaja.-we must live by the living, not by the dead. Desgracia compartida, menos sentida.- two in distress make sorrow less.

105

Chapter 17
"Why do you always have to-" Edward's voice was cut off instantly as I wrapped my hands around his collar and pulled his lips to mine. He continued to mumble against my silencing charm for a moment before giving up and moving his lips in a delicious dance with my own. There were no words I needed to hear from him at the moment; I needed his touch. "Why do I always have towhat, Mr. Cullen?" I smirked as I pulled away after a moment. We were building up to something that neither could stop if it went to far; I knew it, I hated it, I respected it, I wanted it to go therebadly. Edward didn't answer my question, but instead opted to push the boundaries I assigned myself. If I hadn't been pushed against the dark wall of my bedroom, I'm sure I would have crumpled on the floor due to my knees giving out; gravity was an evil mistress when around Edward Cullen. Edward moved his hands from my hip to grab my wrists before pulling them above my head. I was completely stuck between a rock and a hard place, and all I wanted to shout was for it to never end. Pinned against the wall, I was completely open for Edward's mouth and hips to move against my skin. It had become primal; it was beyond control. That's how it was meant to be though, I was learning. He was white hot; burning me in ways that I'd never knew existed. My veins were nothing more than freeways, pumping a steady flow of adrenaline, want, and needs to every extremity of my body. Edward taught me this; he called for me in this way. "Why do you always," he moved his lips to my neck, finding a soft spot that made my head go dizzy for a second, inevitably falling back against the wall, giving him more skin to tickle and taunt. "Torture me so much?" "I don't," I moaned, blushing at how deep my voice went when one of his hands slipped beneath my shirt. He had fingers that I could only describe as holy due to the renewed vigor they instilled into my soul as I chanted for God and Jesus and even Noah every now and then. "You don't?" he scoffed, giving me that smirk that would stun a rhino when it was charging. "What do you call all that rubbing and sucking down by the lake? And then you just get up to go to bed?" I loved the way his voice sounded; the silk that shrouded 'rubbing' and 'sucking'. The words did nothing to stop the clenching below my waist and the pressure my lungs felt to fill with air. I tried to pull my arms down, but Edward kept them held tightly against the wall. I wanted to grab him, to pull him to me because then I could explain everything, every want, need, desire, requirement, fear; he had to understand when I held him so close. "Everyone's here though," I whispered, looking around his empty bedroom as if the family was sitting in there watching us as opposed to sleeping in their equally quiet, dark bedrooms. The only light in the room was from the moon as it shone through the wall-length windows opposite of our bodies. It left the room in a state of profound darkness, with just enough light to see what we needed, yet not enough to see what we wanted. "Bella, we're not doing anything wrong," Edward dropped my arms and brought the arm that was pinning them against the wall to my cheek. I felt his eyes flickering across my face. I squinted as hard as I could, but eventually brought my fingers to his chin gently, tracing the frown there. I thought of Maya across the hall, about how she could wake up alone at any minute, and I felt guilty. I thought of Esme and Carlisle on the floor below, how this was their house, and they were like a set of second parents to me; it felt like I was sneaking around. "What's wrong?" I asked, my mind finally running back to Edward. I let my hands slide to his shoulders, to his chest, to the loop of his pants, where I pulled him towards me. I was bound by 106

responsibility, but now, I felt more indebted to my sex drive. "Nothing," he lied, kissing me chastely; it wasn't enough, so I pulled back against the wall from his distracting lips. "Don't lie to me," I whispered. I felt him tense slightly, and not in a good way. "I feel like I'm always stealing you," he sighed. I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew they weren't on me. He would be looking at the wall beside my ear, or even the inside of his eye lids as he confessed. "Like this aspect of us isnot important, or at least that I'm doing things you don't want. I'm just rambling," he took a deep breath and moved to pull away from me, but I held firm; my fingers looped efficiently at his waist, holding him to me. He stilled after a second and when I was sure he wouldn't move, I laced my fingers behind his neck. I felt skin, hot and soft beneath my fingers as I clutched it. I let my lips find his softly, barely skimming them, tasting his breath and capturing it for my own selfish uses. It wasn't enough of course, and Edward pushed back into me, his body pinning me against the wall so I could feel him in all of the right places. I felt his kiss, hard, and I felt this renewed need to have his soul once again, to have him between my legs, to have him raw, exposed and mine. "I want you to tell me these things," I hushed him quickly, though his words worried me. I watched his outline shake his head. "I don't want to make you feel bad," he grumbled, peeling my hands from him. "I sound like a selfish asshole." With that, the last of his breath fanned my face as my hands slapped my thighs in defeat. Edward's imposing presence was gone a second later as it slumped onto the bed. I missed the feel of his body instantly. I let my head hit the wall with a dull, echoing thud; I was defeated. I wanted Edward. I needed him all the time it felt like. He was like my walking weakness and disaster, all rolled up in one pile of bones and organs and muscles and skin. There were times, when I'd see him do something completely trivial, like driving or push Maya on the swings at the park or grab the box of cereal from the top shelf at the grocery store, and my body would flood with the unending need to have my body on his body. "I think I need a date for the Oscars," Edward blurted one night as I helped Maya dry off beside the pool after practice. "I think I need a million dollars," I chuckled. "I'll trade you?" he asked, shy and unsure. I wrapped Maya and told her to go grab something to drink before I turned to Edward. He tugged his hair to new lengths. I would never tell him how insanely attractive that trait was, when I knew he was nervous and I did that to him. "Are you asking me to accompany you?" I grinned, walking towards him. He nodded and shrugged his shoulders. I pictured the skin and shadows of muscle lines that rested beneath the tight shirt he was wearing. Before, a long time ago, long before the kiss that changed our lives, I hadn't let myself notice Edward. I consciously forced myself to dispel thoughts of him, of his body; of things I never knew I'd like to do to said body. But now, after seeing that, after touching it and having him touch me, I realized how right I'd been, to avoid temptation, because now that was all I wanted, and it made me feel completely possessed. "I've been trying to ask you for the past week," he mumbled. "You're cute, you know?" I asked, reaching him finally and wrapping my arms around his waist. "When you're human and unsure." "Then you must think I'm cute all of the time," he grinned, another trait that made me want to jump him. "Something like that," I whispered. I wasn't used to not being in control of my body, and it scared me, it tested me, and it made me feel weak, dependent. I chanted, 'I'm a mother, I'm a mom, I have a kid' on endless repeat at times like this, 107

hoping responsibility would keep my lust drowned brain from seizing completely. But, Edward would be there, staring at me, catching the heat rising not only from my chest as a blush appeared at such thoughts, but also in the very lowest pit of my stomach. "Hey, why don't you," Edward's breath was scalding hot against my cool skin, "go take a nice," he kissed me between words, "hot," he gripped my waist, "relaxing," he pulled me against his strong body, "bath, while I finish cleaning?" I almost didn't hear every word, what with his body being right there, and my hormones being off the charts at this newfound sexual prowess and opportunities. I'd never enjoyed sex before Edward, and now, now he was taunting me with it daily. "Maya's sleeping, the doors are locked, and lunches are almost packed for tomorrow," he hummed as lips sliced gooseflesh, "Go, relax, and I'll finish then join you." I gulped, hard. "Are you sure?" I sighed, my voice incredibly feeble. The shiver running through my body as his nose skimmed my jaw and his hands cupped my ass threw away all innocence I feigned to still possess. "I'd much rather relax with you." I was embarrassed at how airy my voice sounded and the inability of my arms to move from their spot by my sides to grab him; I was paralyzed. "Lunches can wait," he growled. The next day I bought lunch. I walked over towards his tense frame that rested on the bed after pushing myself away from my wall. Edward sat with his hands resting on his knees, his head looking down, as if he would bolt at any minute. The position seemed so formal, something that only contradicted his place in our life. I stood between his legs and ran my fingers through his hair, smirking as I realized how many women would gladly pay millions for the same luxury. He was mine, he had said it himself. I hadn't thought much about his words, about how pointless self-realization was, until now. I didn't know who the hell Bella was, but I knew Edward. I knew Edward front ways, backwards, upside down and in Chinese; I was good at knowing him. I knew that he secretly enjoyed reading comic books, that when he was five he had a pet gerbil named Frank, whenever he left in the middle of the night, he would check on Maya first, kiss her forehead, then lock the door on his way out. Edward hated pineapple, but loved tomatoes, his favorite color was red. If I wanted to make him do anything, all I had to do was flick his earlobe with my tongue. When we were photographed, he never scowled, but almost showed us off, as if he couldn't believe his new toys. Edward spent an almost ungodly amount of time touching my ass, and at any given moment, I was thinking about kissing him. I knew all of theses surface things, things I'd watched and felt and seen, but I knew more. Edward missed his father, he was afraid to be him, yet idolized him; feared him, yet loved him. I secretly read the gossip magazines, and although Edward was once involved in bad scenes, he now gave money and time to helping people out of problems; he was compassionate, regretful, melodic, and mine. "Stop figuring me out," he whispered and moaned gently as I combed his hair, raising his face to look at me. He once told me moonlight was the only light to see someone's soul, but I never believed in that. I saw him. "You're a Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle," I assured him as his hands found purchase on my ass again. "You're nine down with 'p' blank blank 'x' blank 'q' 'v' as I'm convinced that every other answer is correct." Edward smiled thoughtfully as I hugged him. I felt his chin against my belly button, his strong arms around my lower back; it was us having a fight. "I've been with one man before you," I whispered, pulling back from his arms, somewhat ashamed. "I didn't love him, he didn't love me, and life continued." I felt the warmth spread across my chest as my body flushed. "It did nothing to make me desire anythingphysical. Then I left the country, got a 108

kid and settled into middle age. Funny thing about that was, you came along, and turned me into that horny fifteen year old I missed out on." "I never meant to pressure you," he shook his head. I kissed him, dipping down and pulling his face to mine roughly. There is a religion in the feeling of a lip between teeth. "You haven't. Edward, I fight to control myself every day," I assured him, pulling his shirt over his head making him stare at me somewhat confused. "And I know that you're used to more experienced girls and you've done more than I ever have imagined, but I've never not been attracted to you." I pulled my shirt off next and threw it beside his. Our clothes mingled as our bodies soon would. "I've only ever made love to one woman," Edward whispered, batting his eyes at me. I felt his warm breath add weight to my stomach, pulling the coil tighter. "Everyone else was mechanical. You are the only one I've wanted." I closed my eyes as soon as I felt sticky lips against my navel and Edward's inhaling of my skin. "I don't ever want you to feel like you're stealing me, or that I don't ever want you," I managed to pull him away, realizing it was my night to be affirming, my night to figure him out. "The situation is precarious, at best, but I've never been happier." "We're figuring it out," he promised. I agreed, because tonight that was enough. There were many things I had no control over, but Edward, how he perceived how much I wanted him, and our relationship was under my control tonight. I could tell him, now, in secret, in whispers and flicks and groans how I'd lied, many weeks ago, how I watched the way his muscles moved under his skin then chastised myself for such thoughts. I'd been a liar since the day he met me, and I realized it after he forced me to want him. Tonight I would tell him though, that I was a liar, that I was confused, and that I knew he was someone I wouldn't live without. I would tell him that I loved him, because those words would not leave my mouth. "So you understand me, and why I'm always so hesitant?" I asked as dexterous fingers unbuttoned my shorts. "If it were possible, I'd have you naked all day, every day." "I do," he nodded, pulling me back to my familiar position of straddling his waist. "It's a relief though, to hear that I'm not the only insatiable one." There were no more words as I agreed with him completely. "Why don't you ever talk about him anymore?" I asked as Edward moved the washcloth over my shoulders. The suds left little white trails over my already pale skin. "I don't have much to say," he whispered, clearing his throat. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back so it was tilted up, over his shoulder. I felt the washcloth move forward, skimming water-shiny chest, sternum, ribs, lower and maddeningly lower. "I need something, tonight," I sighed as hands moved past my waist and instead found my thigh. "When I was nine, I got a piano for my birthday," Edward started easily. "My mom taught me how to play before that, but this was mine; my own personal piano. My father carved my name into the side with a Swiss army knife, then gave me the knife. The piano is somewhere in Chicago, and I haven't played it in a decade. The knife is in my nightstand." "Will you take me to Chicago?" I asked after a moment. I ran the washcloth over Edward's strong legs on my sides before pulling his arms in front of me. "One day," he promised, tossing the cloth in the water somewhere as he constricted his arms around my chest. I let him use me as a tourniquet. There was sweat and skin now, pressed together, suffocating. Edward's pants joined my own on the floor until we were both in nothing but what we would be judged by one day. I felt him pressed against my, I felt heat and only saw desire. Edward tried to pull me so I was beneath him, but I sat firm as his back hit cold sheets. I moved my hips against his, torturing myself a little less than him. Edward hissed as his jaw tightened and fingers 109

gripped my waist, stilling the movements. I leaned my body over his chest as his hands moved from hipbone to flesh of ass. I bit his neck, pulling the flesh between teeth and scrapping fingernails along chest. I felt Edward shiver, throwing innocence to the wind. "I want to try something," I whispered, pulling back to kiss him gently. Edward's eyes were lidded, and I'm sure I could have offered to stab him in the kidney and he'd agree. I kissed him again, this time it was Edward moving hips against hips, bones grinding and sparking. I felt my breast in his palm, nipples pulled and flames sear me, as the lights grew brighter behind my eyelids. "Bella, I need you, now," Edward moaned, almost as if in pain. I moved slightly until I impaled myself quickly. I needed to get it over with, to be with him. He needed it, and I gave it, quickly, eagerly, happily. "Fuck," Edward moaned, his chest growing exponentially as his lungs filled with clutched hisses. "So good, Bella, my Bella, only mine," he shook his head with nonsensical facts. "Only yours," I promised, straightening my back and looking down at the lust filled Edward beneath me. I moved my hips, using him as a tool, bringing him to the edge of salvation then slowing or stopping. I felt sweat under my palms and a heart that was almost still in his chest. There was a chorus of moans and coos and curses and praises. "Christ, Bella," Edward threw his head back as his hips moved up to meet my own. I let my body act as my brain became overwhelmed with flesh and sweat and everything there was that was Edward. Edward's body went from two extremes; tense and rigid, thrusting harshly causing the lights that rocketed in my eyes to only become fireworks, then finally nothing more than languid victory. He pulled my lips to his as he tried to regain normal breathing patterns. I felt him in me, no longer throbbing and hard. I never wanted to move. I felt his lips over every part of my face and smiled weakly. Confession and apologies were strenuous, just as secrets carried a heavy burden to be dispelled. But, I finally had. Edward must have felt how weak my body was, because he soon was the one that moved for us, pulling away from me and slipping on a pair of boxers. He pulled my underwear over my hips as he kissed up knees and thighs with a devious smile. I let my eyes shut as my own smile grew. I felt stubble nuzzle my neck as hands skimmed my ribs, pulling arms up to slip a baggy shirt over my naked and love marked chest. "Edward," I moaned, more from contentment than anything else. "Are we alright?" My answer came in the form of Edward's body cradling my own under a down comforter and soft kisses against the back of my neck. "Bella, I give you me, forever," he whispered. I smiled and kissed his palm as I drifted towards sleep. "Thank you, for knowing that's all I can take," I praised him quietly. "Thank you for giving me you," he pulled me even closer. "Mama, why you love me?" Maya asked, head quirked to the side as she nibbled on baby carrots at the bar of the kitchen. "Because," I answered, feeling the inefficiency of the answer. "Because why?" my daughter prodded. I stared into her eyes, shades darker than my own and newly alive. I saw her hair gleam in the afternoon sun, the raven black that seemed to add new depths to the spectrum of the culmination of colors. There wasn't anything more beautiful. "Before you were born," I started, smiling as I stole one of her carrots. "The earth and the trees and the grass and the wind all sang to me. They told me that a piece of my heart was going to find me. I listened to their song and did not believe it. But God, he made you, and he held you and he said to you, before you can remember, 'There is someone waiting for you, and they will love you because that is all she is meant to do. Her life is your life, and your life is her life, and in doubt and trials the only thing she'll ever know for sure, is that she loves you.' And the birds and the animals and the stream and the 110

leaves all sang me this song again. The song was always there, but one night, it sang so loud, I had to believe it. I walked outside," I picked her up from the stool and held her to me, kissing her nose and returning her wondrous smile. "And waiting for me, was the missing piece of my heart." "Me?" she asked quietly. I nodded. "I love you because that is the only thing I was meant to do," I explained. "I love you because you are my heart." "When I was made, I heard song too," Maya sighed, placing a hand on her little heart and another on my neck. "I love you." "I love you," I laughed and kissed her seriousness away. "To the moon and back." "Mama," I heard that same voice call me from the darkness and perfection of my dream. "Mama I can cuddle too?" I didn't open my eyes but lifted the comforter and pulled a wiggling, giggling daughter into my arms. I felt Edward stir behind me, reminding me of his presence. He pulled us both closer to him. "I love you, Maya," I whispered, kissing the top of her head. "Mama, I know," she answered indignantly. "You have to, because we fit each other. Te amo." "We do," I muttered, running my fingers through her hair. "Edward fits too," her tiny voice yawned. "Can we have pancakes now?" "Why don't you get Lita to make you pancakes?" I begged, still tired from the night before. "You make them gooder," Maya sighed. I opened my eyes slowly and found her staring at me with a smile. Edward snored gently behind me, hand still locked on my waist. I felt safe, and oddly complete. "I find this in my bed," Maya pulled a letter from her side, crumpling the paper and smiling at me. "Thank you," I kissed her and hugged her after taking the familiar letter. "Read it to me?" she asked, as if it were a story. I pulled away from Edward slightly and pulled her into my lap. Edward turned, grabbed a pillow and slept onwards. He grumbled slightly and Maya giggled. "Dear Isabella Swan," I started, skimming the page. It was official. I felt my chest constrict, this time not from happiness. "Who that?" Maya asked, turning her doe eyes up to me. "Me," I kissed her forehead. "You're Mama," she guffawed. "You're right," I pretended to laugh and start over. "Dear Maya Swan's Mama," I lied. "We have heard that Maya is being such a good girl," I choked, the real words on the page slicing my body, forcing blood to drown my airway. "We have her on the nice list for Christmas. We know you love her very much, and so we want to give you both something extra special for presents this year." "Christmas?" Maya asked, getting excited. "What's Christmas?" she asked one day as we passed a holiday display. Edward adjusted her on his shoulders and turned to me with awkward eyes. "It's when Santa Claus comes and gives presents to good boys and girls," I answered, giving the standard answer. "Who's Santa Claus?" she asked, just more confused. Edward took it upon himself to teach Maya about Christmas, or at least the commercialized version of it. Back home, we had Christmas, the one with the nativity and biblical stories and faith and lights and goodwill to all, minus the extravagance of Santa and his toys because we couldn't afford it for the kids. "Can I give baby Jesus present?" Maya asked, mixing the ideas together. I wanted to correct her, yet I couldn't bring myself to at all. 111

"Of course." "Ho Ho Ho, love Santa Claus," I concluded the letter quickly, bile surging through my lungs and chest, in airways it was never supposed to inhabit. "Santa is coming!" Maya clapped and hugged me. Edward stirred and woke up quickly, smiling at seeing 'his girls' in bed with him. "Not yet," Edward mumbled. "Go ask tia Alice about Christmas, ok?" I kissed my daughter, and set her on the floor by the bed, feeling my resolve crumbling. She scampered off without a second word. I never knew life could feel like this, so heavy, so physical. I knew I was crying before I really registered it. "Bella, what is it?" Edward asked, sitting up beside me. I couldn't bear to look at him. "They've gone where the Good goes, when it is set free," I managed to sob. My chest, the area between scapula and sternum, felt as if it were full of air and my lungs were nothing more than deflated balloons, never able to fill up the empty, cavernous space, inevitably leading to the threat of a cave in from my weak walls and monstrous groans. I probably sounded as if I were being murdered, as if someone or something was being ripped from my chest, from my abdomen. Something was being ripped from me. "Who? Bella, talk to me?" Edward's voice was the only anchor to the real world I felt. I didn't even believe the crinkled letter in my hands that I was clutching, ruining, breaking. "All of them."

112

Chapter 18
"Mama, can I press the cutter?" Maya asked as I rolled out cookie dough. She kept her hands on the counter where I told her so they wouldn't get in the way while I mixed sugar cookie dough and rolled and kneaded. "Can you press the cutter what?" I baited her with a smile as I tossed the empty bowl in the sink and licked my finger from sugar build up. "Can I please?" she asked a little more anxiously than before. She had her pout on, full force. Christmas music gently rolled and swirled behind us from somewhere in the normally much too quiet house. I rolled the dough and wiped my forehead in my shoulder. Maya was learning manners recently. Not that she wasn't well behaved or courteous, but those 'pleases' and 'thank yous' have to be taught I guess. She almost wasn't real. My biggest concern was if she'd say 'please' not that she'd have a tantrum or something. "Of course," I smiled at her once the dough was at an acceptable thinness for cookies. We worked with just the happy jingles in the background and silence. This is how we worked though, and this was how I showed Maya that I was her mom. I would never be her mother, she would never be mine biologically, but I meant it when I told her that her blood was my blood and the world sang and told me she was coming and we needed each other. I showed her by allowing her to press tiny snowmen and angel wings into dough I'd worked on all morning. It wasn't life altering, but it was all I had anymore. "I make snowmen like when with Edward!" Maya laughed as she pressed with all of her might. "You have to make a big one for the butt," Edward explained as he knelt in the snow and started to form the bottom ball for part eleven of his 'Teach Maya About Winter' extravaganza. I suspected he made it up to keep her happy while I broke down or tried to keep myself from going crazy. Whatever his intentions, watching them together, bundled in coats and sweaters and hats and boots, cheeks rosy and eyes watery from the frozen conditions, made me smile, and for a moment, he fixed me. "The butt?" Maya scrunched her face in confusion. She was cute. But cute might be an understatement. "The bottom," he clarified as he walked with her between his legs and pushing the growing ball of snow. "And then we'll put one on top, and another on top of that." "Why?" Maya asked her new favorite question. Edward ignored it and decided that showing was better than explaining. I watched from the door as the cold froze my skin and bones and muscle and tissue into a burning contradiction. It was nice, to feel so much it hurt; to be so numb it didn't. Maya laughed as Edward slipped in the snow and his fiery mane became littered with a dulling layer of flakes and powder. Edward threw me a horribly lopsided grin and wink. They made one snowman, then quickly followed it with two more, both smaller. I went back to making dinner, allowing them peace. "Come look please!" Maya shouted from the front door a few minutes before I was going to call them inside. The sun was setting and they were almost frozen. "What'd you make, novia?" I pretended to play dumb. Around Maya, I was Mama. I didn't think about anything else other than making sure that she was loved because I couldn't say the same about so many others. "We make us," she panted as I slipped on shoes and walked outside. Edward smiled wider now. His pants were soaked through and I knew he had to be cold. Three little snowmen waited on the front lawn, each with rock smiles, carrot noses, and seashell eyes. Edward's was the tallest, his scarf draped on top of it with mushy leaves sticking on the top of its 113

head for his hair. Though his twig arms were mismatched, one longer than the other, the longest one linked with the twig arm of what I assumed to be me. The middle snowman had one of my hats on and no hair. If I had to look like a snowman, I'd want to look like that; frozen in happiness until the world changes inevitably only to wait to emerge again in another year. The smallest snowman was oddly shaped, and not much of a spherical way about it, but it was the cutest. "That you, that Edward, and that me," Maya explained as her mittened hand grabbed my naked one. Her other hand pointed and waved about excitedly. "I made mine all by myselfs." "They look amazing," I praised them both as I lifted Maya to my hip. The picture of the happy snow-family made my heart hurt. I felt as if it might drip through my chest and freeze in the marriage of life and winter. "The best snowmen every created?" Edward asked with a breathy laugh. Smoke poured from his lips and floated away. There was probably life's metaphor there, or in the snowmen, or in the winter, or in the mittens, but I couldn't figure it out. "The world will never be the same." "Why don't you take this," I handed Maya a juicebox which Esme and Carlisle kept in constant stock at the lake house since our first visit. I think every fridge Maya might happen to look into, whether it be Alice's, Emmet's, or even Charlie's contained Juicy Juice containers. "And go read. I'm sure someone will be here soon." "I go read Tom," she decided, grabbing the novel from the counter near the phone. "Take the other one," I called as she ran off towards the window overlooking the driveway. She stopped and socked feet padded quickly back to the kitchen and grabbed the skinnier, picture version of Tom Sawyer. "I can read though," she told me, looking me straight in the eye. I think that look and stubbornness was a trait she was picking up from me. I'd said 'I'm fine' so much I think it lost all meaning. "I know, but I don't want to miss anything," I explained. "If you read, you'll get ahead of me." Her face softened slightly and she nodded, hugging the book to her body. "We read tonight? Three chapters," she decided. "One chapter," I threw things into the sink and began to wipe the counters down from my baking catharsis. "Five," she held up her whole hand. "Two." "Twelve." I watched the sun shine on her dark skin. "Two." "Nine." I watched her nose wiggle as her lips moved and her cheeks dimple with a smile. "Two." "Two," Maya agreed with a devious smile. That was Edward, all Edward. Hair flew around her as she turned quickly and ran back to her waiting perch. According to the marks on the doorway of the kitchen, Maya had grown a few inches already from summer and about one full inch since Thanksgiving, and her clothes seemed to shrink almost as quickly as we bought them. Carlisle was still worried because she was a few pounds lighter than the ideal weight for her age, but she was on track for height, which was a positive for us. I pulled my gaze away from the chinks and penciled ages and heights Edward had carved into the doorway. I would spend all day wondering how she was growing up if I could. The physical part didn't scare me. Anyone could feed and water a kid. It was the emotional, the love and happiness and security that I worried about every second. Maya was the reason I got up in the morning, she was the reason I pretended to be alright, and she was the reason I saw a counselor to figure things out and get this 114

weight of depression off of my chest. Although I felt free and happy with her, I didn't want my problems or stubbornness to take away a moment of happiness in the future. I was trying. "Just, get out," I hoarsed after throwing the letter on the ground. I pushed Edward out of the bed as he tried to soothe me, as he hugged me and pet my hair and whispered that everything was alright. Nothing was alright, and everything hurt. "I'm not leaving you," he said firmly, eyes glowing and brimming with water. "Please, just let me break," I whispered, pushing against his hard chest as I gripped his neck closer the next instant. I cried. Since the first day in Alice's apartment when I thought I lost her, since months before, miles away, in another land with another life surrounded by what were now my ghosts, I cried. I cried like there wasn't a future, and I cried because there was a past. I cried until I couldn't breathe, until my lungs were burning like taking a huge gulp of water. My cheeks were worn away by the erosion of rivers of tears and my heart felt like my stomach, turning and ready to throw up with disgust and hate and regret and guilt. "When," I whispered and I sucked in breaths through trembling lips. The sun had moved from it's spot, no longer illuminating golden skin with golden rays, no longer warming with a promise of a brighter day. The room was darker now, and I spent the whole day not moving. "When." Edward repeated. The words floated up to God's ears because He was the only one who would understand. "Please don't make me start fixing myself today," I stated. I didn't have the energy. I had the fear. I had the lack of faith. I had the absence of hope. "Tomorrow," he swore and kissed my lips. He kissed me and tasted tears and bitterness, and for the moment, it was a pill. I had baked since that fateful Thanksgiving Day. That had been the only thing I could do to keep my mind from running in circles. I baked and taught and spent time with my daughter. Edward had been around, but I just couldn't give him everything I was anymore. I wasn't ready to start dealing with whatever had happened. I wouldn't even let myself think about Jacob or the kids or Leah. I talked to Zafrina, my therapist, about everything else, about my concerns about being a mother, about Edward leaving whatever we were. I pushed him away though, and as upset as I knew it made him, he let me and he pushed me back. "Bella, why don't you tell me why you came to my office," the tall, elegant woman behind the desk asked sweetly. There was no condescension, just curiosity. I was her puzzle. "For my daughter," I whispered and fingered the denim of my jeans. I didn't tell her about the pressure from Alice and Edward. They really weren't the reason, completely. "Why for your daughter?" she asked, never looking away from my face. I looked into her eyes; they were blue, the kind that makes the sky look ugly. "When I hurt, she hurts. I won't let her hurt." Edward spent the past few days in New York, signing his papers for the apartment and meeting with the director. The day he left, I packed Maya up and we left for the lake house early. I just needed a few days alone, peaceful and free from places where I was forced to think. Here, Maya and I played in snow, decorated for Christmas, and spent time much as we once did, just playing and wondering and being happy with ourselves. Too often, it became Edward and Maya and I. Not that I didn't appreciate Edward. Even though I was pushing him away, I still feltsomething I was unable to verbalizefor him. But I missed times when it was Maya and I, against the world. "Please, let me figure this out myself," I whispered as arms wrapped around my waist. "I'm fine." 115

"You're fine, I'm fine, Sandra Bullock is fine," Alice chided me. "The only difference is, one of us is lying, one of us is worried, and one of us has an Oscar." "I put it on my mantel yesterday," I snapped. "Yeah, you're not that good at hiding your feelings," she bit back angrily. Alice was quiet as she just lay beside me. "Do I have to tell you that you were right?" I asked. "I did break." "I wish I had been wrong," she mumbled. "You are the strongest, best person, Bella. Maya needs you. I need you. Edward needs you." "I don't know what I need," I responded. "I don't know if I care what you all need anymore." There was silence and fate. I closed my eyes to allow the world a chance to right itself only to be disappointed for the thousandth time. It just burned and turned along slowly. People were still dead and I was still not. "Things happen, Bella," Alice started. "You lost part of you, but you got Maya. If you took away your trip, you take her away. Your price for her is the pain you're feeling right now, the love for those that are gone." "I love Maya," I answered with more emotion than I'd had in a long time. "We know, she knows, everyone knows that you love that girl more than anyone could love their own flesh and blood," Alice amended quickly. "Would you trade in her life to not be feeling this much hurt right now? Would you change who you are to forgo that trip?" "I couldn't think of a life without her," I whispered, crying again. Crying once again for the people that I couldn't save. "And she can't live without you," Alice hugged me tighter. "We're going to get through this, and you're going to talk to someone." "For her," I vowed. "The reasons don't matter," Alice cooed and wiped my cheeks. "For her, for me, for yourself, for Edward, that doesn't matter. You live for those who can't." So I dreamt that they were here. "Edward!" Maya's voice echoed in the quiet of the kitchen. I pulled cookies from the oven and set them down to cool. There was something beautiful in the repetition of baking, in the truth that lied in measured contents that never changed. Two cups of chocolate chips were always two cups of chocolate chips, no matter who poured them, or who ate them. "Monster!" his voice rang loudly. I smiled to myself. I could picture them hugging tightly as he spun her around. No doubt the book would be thrown on the ground and his suitcase would be thrown behind the door. I heard growling and rawring. Zafrina said that I had to reconcile my feelings of guilt and I had to continue to grieve, but for this moment, I didn't want to be the woman with a past. I wanted the future. "Where's your pretty Mama?" Edward laughed. "Kitchen," Maya answered quickly through her giggles and shrieks. I heard one set of feet approach and I couldn't bother to hide my smile. It was a foreign thing, a natural smile, but Edward and Maya were my smiles. I'd left it in Guatemala, and it was set free, like the Good. "Ah, Buenos dias, beautiful Bella," Edward appeared in the doorway with a crawling, wiggling girl in his arms. "Edward," I whispered. My voice seemed to fail me as I watched America's Hottest Bachelor holding my daughter and giving me that secret smile he reserved for just us. I'd looked at gossip magazines from time to time. I saw him at a bar with a woman and apparently I was just a fling. But, his face, his body, his smile told me that he was mine. 116

Edward sat Maya down on the ground and took a step towards me. She watched us happily, her hands clapped together. "I miss you," he hugged me. "I missed you," I answered, not missing his present tense usage. I felt his arms around me, and I felt better. It wasn't much, but it was enough. It was he and I in the kitchen. "You're my only jilted lover," he whispered in my ear, lips trailing towards my lips. I laughed happily. He kissed me. I felt him dip me back and I tasted cinnamon. "Things are better," I whispered after kissing him a few more times and detaching my arms from his neck. Green eyes fanned my face and eventually cheeks crinkled beneath them and they glittered. "I know when you're not telling the truth," he scolded and sat me on the counter. "But for now, I'm alright with living a lie." "I'm fine," I argued. He cocked an eyebrow and frowned. "Maya, if you go in my suitcase, and dig really deep down, there are two presents waiting," Edward knelt beside her. She was gone in an instant. "You better not spoil her," I warned him with a smile. Edward didn't answer, but attacked my lips. My legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer. I'm sure there wasn't any breathing in these seconds. There were Edward's hands clasped against my ears, holding me still as he kissed all the sense into and out of me. There were cookies cooling beside me, smelling delicious. There were moans and grabs. "These presents?" Maya called as she walked back down the hall. Edward pulled away with a giant smile and a grab of my ass as he placed me back on the ground. Normal. "Yup," he grinned and picked her up. He handed Maya a little, awkwardly wrapped toy, then handed me an envelope. "Now, these are just your pre-presents, so don't get too excited." I opened the envelope as Maya opened a new dinosaur toy. I had no idea where he kept finding them, but I knew how much they hurt to step on in the middle of the night. In my envelope sat three tickets for New York for the day after Christmas. I was beginning to hate envelopes. "Well, what do you think?" Edward asked breathlessly. "Rawr!" Maya shouted and kissed him with her new toy. "What it?" "Triceratops," he informed her. My feet felt the pain of it already. "Tricerapotomas," Maya repeated horribly. "Edward, this is too much," I warned him as I stared at the tickets. "You said you wanted to visit New York. I couldn't think of a better time than New Years. I know it's soon, but I won't have time until summer. I thought you'd want to go with me, see my new apartment. I wanted to show Maya the zoo and everything," he rambled, running a hand along his neck awkwardly. "No, I mean, our present can't really compare with your pre-present, let alone your real presents," I smiled and kissed his cheek. "I don't compare," he responded and hugged my waist. I rested my head on his shoulder and Maya did as well. "I only need the two most perfect women in the world in my arms, and I'm happier than any man." "And completely cheesy," I laughed. "I'm fine," I rolled my eyes as Rosalie helped me clean up Maya's toys. The days following the letter, everyone walked on eggshells around me, letting me stay in bed until I went crazy. I was babied and held like glass. I stopped crying soon enough after returning to Seattle. "If you were fine, you're a heartless, soulless woman, and I know that's not true, so you're not fine," she informed me. I heard Emmett upstairs with Maya, playing dress up or football. He had taken to watching her whenever Edward couldn't, almost as if they had to keep her from me, as if I didn't know 117

that I had to take care of her, as if she weren't my world, especially now. "What do you want from me?" I snapped. I had grown angrier; I had grown hateful and pushed everyone away. Death does that though, especially one as gruesome as the kids I loved had to go through. There was no logic, but there was hate. "Stop saying you're fine, and tell us what you really are," she stamped her foot with a pile of toys in her arms. I froze as I picked up a soccer ball. Rosalie stared at me as the thumping increased upstairs and Maya's giggle could be heard wafting down the stairs. I seethed. I couldn't explain. I was unrecognizable. "I'm fucking angry, Rose," I set my jaw. "Is that what you want to hear?" I felt my voice rising slightly. I didn't want to be this person. "Yes," she nodded, egging me on. It was all I needed. "I am a fucking failure," I continued. I threw the toy against the wall. It broke with a scream. "I let them die. I'm a fucking coward because I didn't save them. I have so much fucking blood on my hands, I feel like it'll never come off," I threw more toys and kicked and thrashed anything within reach. My muscles burned as hands hit walls and feet hit surfaces that wouldn't be intimidated by my sheer force. "You're not-" Rosalie started, but I cut her off, not wanting to hear her reassurances. "I am, Rosalie. I really am a murderer and I really am completely consumed by this, this, this, whatever I am!" I screamed and gestured wildly before flopping into the couch. I plunged my hands into my hair roughly and pulled it. "I'm just so much of everything. I'm straining under this weight of things I'm not and things I'm feeling and all I want is to scream. I have no voice and I have no energy." "At least you're not fine," she whispered and put her arm around me. "Thank God for that." Rosalie held me until Maya and Emmett crept downstairs. Maya climbed into my lap and she held me. Our past may have died, but she showed me again, that it really was us against it all. We were blood and spit and past and present and we were anything but fine. The rest of the day, Edward distracted Maya while I baked and cleaned. The family arrived throughout the day and everyone talked and sang and danced and told jokes and stories as if we'd been apart for years instead of mere days. We had a big family dinner of pizza and root beer, much to Maya's delight. Everyone still watched their tongue when they talked to me, but at the same time, I pretended to be better. Maybe I was, or maybe I was repressing it all. Self-realization is skewed, after all. I had Edward though. He held my hand and gave me lazy grins. I scratched his scalp while we rested, or he kissed my palm when no one was looking. He didn't star in movies; he was mine. Rosalie looked like she had a tiny bump forming, and refused to drink anything but water, but she ate. It was almost as if her and Emmett were finally on the same level. I bet they went through hundreds of dollars of food now. "Tia Rose having baby," Maya explained. "It growing in her belly. I feel it." I nodded, knowing she didn't. Maya wiggled into my arms and held me tightly. I hugged her close as well. I hadn't moved from the bed all day, and she refused to be anywhere else without me. "Tio Em say babies grow in bellies and then they come out and are babies," she continued. I nodded and let myself be numb with her. "How I come out your belly?" I stroked her hair and thought for a few minutes. Maya didn't press for answers, but understood that it would take me time. I thought about the groaning corpses, frozen in their form of terror from her village. Jacob and I had gone to offer medical help or do as much as we could with the clean up. What we found was a village of bodies. I thought of a woman with darker than black hair that seemed to defy the constraint of the 118

color black. I thought of her hut, burnt to the grown. I thought of her sliced abdomen and the baby doll in her hand. "You weren't in my belly," I answered, kissing the top of her head. "Another woman held you in her tummy, and she loved you, Maya. She was your mother." "But you're my Mama," Maya insisted, somewhat agitated. I knew this was a topic that would be explained at later dates, but I also knew that the first time I uttered those words to her, it could change everything. "I can be your Mama, but someone else is your mother," I explained. "What a mother?" she whispered, playing with my hair in her tiny fingers. "A mother is a woman who holds a baby in her belly, and then gives birth to it. A mama is a woman who loves the baby, who takes care of it when it's sick, who reads the baby stories, and hugs her and kisses her and holds her when she's sad. Most of the time, the mother and a mama are the same person, but sometimes, God lets little babies be extra special, and allowed two people that love her more than the world and the stars," I tried to clarify. "A woman, who I am forever indebted to, loved you and protected you. God sang the song to the birds and the world and the skies and the oceans, and we were meant for each other, but that doesn't mean that we won't celebrate that woman. She gave me you." Maya was quiet. I cried silently. I'd never thought of Maya's mother, I never willed myself to think about her because that meant that Maya wasn't mine. "So I am not yours?" Maya whispered, raising her eyes to meet my own. I cursed the war and men with guns and diablos and angels and death and fate and God. "Your heart is my heart. You may not be mine, but I'm yours," I promised. "Forever, I will never leave." "Then I am yours," she decided. "Why we sad then?" "We're sad because it is time for La Quema del Diablo," I wiped my cheeks. "It's our time to remember everyone who left us. It's time to remember the Good that has been set free." "We remember my mother?" Maya smiled, pulling the corners of my cheeks up to a smile. "We remember everyone, then we live for them," I hugged her tightly. "We remember Melquiades?" she asked. "We especially remember him," I pulled the blanket around her tighter. I closed my eyes and breathed. That was all I could do. The weight of life is enough to crush anyone, let alone the weakest heart. Edward bathed Maya, calling her a little whale the whole time. The family tired her out, and the fact that it was almost Christmas had her going stir crazy. Everyone had presents hidden in their closets; mountains of gifts to make her first Christmas memorable. I knew she's probably only play with half of them before deciding that nothing could be better than Edward's dinosaurs or a pile of twigs in the yard, but I wouldn't stop their fun. I showered and kissed her goodnight as Carlisle read her 'Twas the Night Before Christmas and tucked her into my old bed. I went into Edward's room. The house was quiet as I listened to nothing. I fell into the bed and tried my hardest not to think. I didn't have the luxury of breaking. Zafrina told me that I was working hard and I was doing amazing. I told her I felt like I would explode soon. She told me to take it a day at a time. I told her I saw Jacob's face in my dreams with children, pulling me, calling me. She told me this was normal. I told her I was the epitome of normal. "Merry Christmas," shirtless Edward whispered as he came in from the shower. A month ago I found out that everything I'd worked towards protecting was dead; that everyone I had hope for was hopeless. "Merry Christmas," I returned out of pure habit. He slipped into bed beside me and pulled me 119

against his chest. "When," he whispered for me as he held me tightly. His forearms tightened and literally kept my lungs from working. I felt his muscles in his chest, the warmth form the hot shower and the smell of his soap that made it soft under my fingers. I was still in jeans, and I was still in my sweater, but I didn't care. "I can't do it," I sobbed. I felt kisses on my head and Edward's breathing. I felt guilt and like a burden because Edward, every fangirls wet dream was holding me, a nobody, a high school English teacher, while I broke. "Every night, you'll break a little more," he whispered as I sobbed. "And every night I'll but you back together, because I love you." I didn't miss his words. "I did it in three days with Jack Daniels as a crutch. I'm still broken, Bella. But I know that being broken is a state of mind. We can get better," he promised. "Say it again," I asked as I sucked in more air. "We will get better," he added, kissing my cheeks, kissing my pain and cracks. "No, say it again," I emphasized the right word. "I love you," he stated. "I love you," I swore as I clung to him now. "I know it's only been a few months, but Bella, I need you to believe this. You can't push me away, and you can't get rid of me. I love you, and I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I haven't had the chance," he whispered quickly into my hair. I felt his heart against my neck and cheek, and I felt how it quickened and his lungs expelled all theses individually meaningless words, yet how he strung them, in the frazzled mess of crazy utterances, only showed me how much he loved me. It was a pleasant fiction to me.

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Chapter 19
"You look," I stopped myself as I tried to find the right word to tell Bella how stunning she actually was. It was like wrestling the wind though. "You look absolutely beautiful." I immediately felt like an idiot and internally berated myself. Beautiful? All I could come up with was beautiful? What about enchanting, delicious, indescribable, a vision, alluring, exquisite, pulchritudinous? I watched the tint of her pale skin tinge with a perfect red as blood trumpeted through her veins and her eyes left my own and a hand pushed a stray curl behind her ear. I watched her blush spread across her chest as it crept below the dark blue dress that cupped her chest, and then followed it along the slope of her neck and up to her cheeks. I didn't have a chance to even lose my breath, because before I knew it, she'd stolen it, yet again. There was something beyond amazing having her in my house here in LA; something that was unifying and completing. It was harder to hate being Edward Cullen, when Bella Swan was attached to him. "You clean up well yourself," she took a step towards me and straightened my bow tie and smoothed the lapels of my tuxedo. I watched the concentration on her face as she tucked Maya's homemade flower into the buttonhole and the smile that appeared as she thought about her daughter. "Where all the trees?" Maya whispered as I held her on my shoulders and we walked towards Central Park. I looked around at the giant buildings, the cars, the people milling about excitedly. I almost couldn't even see the sky as the all-mighty skyscrapers strangled it. "In a city this big, they put all the trees in one big place, and we're going to go visit them now," I explained. I felt her rest her chin on the top of my head and felt as if happy were an inadequate word. Bella had her arm tucked around my waist as she shivered against me and we shared warmth. I saw lenses and cameras and flashes and I knew that this week in New York was a huge step. My publicist took care of it, asking for privacy, but that was impossible. Maya didn't really notice, just shrunk into our arms or ignored them. "I catch snow on my tongue," Maya exclaimed as we came to a crosswalk and the snow started to fall. "If you catch it on your tongue you won't have any left to make snowmen," Bella explained with a laugh. It was a refreshing noise, her laugh. It wasn't as it once was, but I understood the weight of the world was enough to strangle anyone. But I couldn't have been more proud of anyone. Bella was breaking, she let me in, she let me love her and she got help. It was more than I did. Of course, she was more than I was. "Alright, my ladies," I stopped and looked up at Maya by tilting my head back. "I'm proud to present, Central Park!" I threw my arms open wide as Maya kissed my forehead and hugged my chin. Bella hugged me tighter, her head nuzzling against my chest. They didn't see the park, but instead opted to love me for the moment. "Can we play here all day?" Maya asked as she peaked at the vast winter wonderland before us. I sat her down once we crossed the street and were away from traffic. "We can play for as long as you'd like," I promised. I meant it to; if Maya wanted to live here, I'd build a hut somehow. She was off like a flash, tottering through the snow in her heavy coat and hat and mittens and scarf. Bella ran after her quickly and eventually they plopped down and made snow angels. I'm sure there was a metaphor there, but I was much too busy enjoying this breath to notice. I surveyed Bella's dress, the long, flowing blue that Alice worked in different designs and ruffles 121

and whatever other fashion term that one could invent for this beautiful dress that complimented Bella so well. Her make up was light, though more than we were both used to; though it only made her eyes seem deeper and more knowing to me, as if it'd see through everything that was going to be said tonight. "I would hate to disappoint and look, what's the word?" I gave her a smile as I trailed my thumb along her jaw line to her chin to tilt her lips to my own. "Disheveled." Bella laughed and kissed me gently before pulling away as the door rang. "Is it Santa?" Maya asked at the noise. I laughed and padded behind her towards the door. We were both still in our pj's, both with cartoon characters on them, though one with footies, and mine, unfortunately, lacking. "PopPop!" Charlie picked up the small girl quickly and hugged her while wishing her a merry Christmas. "Did I miss presents?" he asked me worriedly. I just shook my head and motioned towards the living room where the pile of gifts put the North Pole to shame. Maya ran up the stairs towards Bella's room, most likely to finally wake her up, as I told her to let Mama sleep a little longer. Bella didn't sleep enough, and when she did it seemed to be fitful, which always made me increasingly worried. Carlisle and Esme sat together on a chair, both with mugs of coffees gripped tightly in front of their faces. Alice was putting the finishing touches on the set up, bringing in glasses of orange juice and cookies while Jasper bobbed his head and tried to stay awake. Rosalie was the same, her hand firmly attached to her stomach, and Emmett was about as excited as Maya. Somehow they'd become my family. "Mama's up!" Maya giggled from Bella's arms. Everyone laughed and perked up as the tiny child was set down and sat on the floor beside the piles. "Merry Christmas," I hugged Bella as she sat on my lap, tucking her feet against the armrest and making a mumbling noise as I held her tighter. "Merry Christmas," she returned and yawned. "Sweet dreams, I take it?" I asked, hoping that she hadn't had another nightmare, or worse yet, the same one. Bella rested her head on my shoulder as she watched Maya opening a present, that pure, instantaneous joy covering her face. "Sweet dreams," she nodded, smiling as her daughter searched her face as well. "Shall we?" I extended my elbow to her, which she grabbed eagerly and nodded. I locked the house behind us and helped Bella into the limo. She fidgeted for a moment with her clutch and bracelet before turning her gaze to the window and busying her hands with pulling the string of pearls on her neck. I eventually wrapped my fingers in hers and kissed her hand. It calmed her. The past few weeks had been difficult, what with being across the country from them, but at the same time, I was in love with my work on this film. I felt this innate need to be there though, to protect these two strong, capable women like some horrible caveman they'd eventually shun. I worked hard to be happy, to keep being a good person, or at least striving to be, because Maya gave me a reason to set a good example, and Bella gave me a reason to care. I played with the ring on her finger and smiled to myself. "Mama, I have too many stuff now," Maya looked around at the presents. The paper pile was bigger than Emmett, but everyone was happy. Everyone gave me a present, making me feel like part of the family, and I was glad I had gotten them all something. It was easy though, to just sort of give to them because they never reminded me that I wasn't really one of them. "Say thank you, novia," Bella reminded her. Maya repeated and busied herself with the bows and 122

ribbons from the presents, tying them all over her arms and people's legs. I fingered the tickets Bella and Maya had given me, three tickets for the Cubs opener in Chicago this summer. It was a pointed gift, and I understood it. I wasn't exceptionally ready for going back, but if Bella was there, I knew I could. "Maya, why don't you find the last present," I whispered loudly and winked. She winked back awkwardly and started to shuffle under the tree. "Mama, I picked this for you," Maya's tiny voice came muffled as she crawled from under the tree. Her little braided pigtails had pine needles in them, and her face was smiling more than when she opened presents. Bella pulled Maya into her lap, so I was holding them both. It was like holding the world. I would be ashamed to admit it, but I was completely owned by the tiny warrior from Guatemala and her mother. "And," I needled her. "And Edward help," she smiled and kissed my cheek, earning awes from the familial audience. Bella searched both our faces before staring at the tiny velvet box. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I exhaled when she opened it and smiled. "It's" she trailed off, picking the ring up from the satin pillow. "So pretty." "It's ruby. My birth stone," Maya explained as Bella slipped it on her finger. "Wait! Read it!" Bella took it off quickly and peered inside. "Te amo," she whispered with an even bigger smile. "Did you pick that?" she asked Maya, who nodded in return. Bella pulled her daughter in her lap and hugged and kissed her until she was a giggling mess. "Thank you both. I love it and will never take it off," Bella promised. Maya hopped down and went in search of pancakes. "Edward, this is-" I kissed her to stop where I knew the conversation was going. "This is your present from Maya," I explained. "My present is waiting in a little bag upstairs and probably shouldn't be opened in front of your father." Bella slipped her fingers behind my neck and pulled my lips to hers until they unfolded and screamed. "Thank you," she whispered as I hugged her to my chest. "Thank you," I murmured, and kissed her palm. There was something addictive with her skin, something that made me crave it more than air. I spent hours trailing lines and directions across her naked flesh; I spent hours memorizing freckles and the feeling of her warmth. Those moments were raw, and in a world desensitized, they poured acid on my dead skin, forcing me to feel pain, and through that pain, revelation. "For what?" Bella gave me a tiny smile. "For being my date to the Oscar's," I returned her smile and handed her my cell phone. "But first I think you should call Maya, or you'll pull your hair out." "What, you wouldn't love me if I were bald?" she countered as she dialed Esme's number. I pretended to think about it, earning a tiny slap in the stomach from my date. I watched the smile brighten as Bella talked to Maya and Esme, telling them to watch for us on TV and for Maya to behave herself. I was still surprised Bella allowed Maya to stay in Seattle, as they'd never spent a night apart. But, after New York, we both decided that Maya should stay out of the limelight as much as possible. "Edward, will you stop looking at that trash?" Bella groaned as she plopped on my couch after putting Maya to sleep. I shook my head and kept looking at the gossip magazines. "They love you and Maya," I chuckled. "I mean I should be paying you guys for making my image look better." Bella elbowed me as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "We'll call it even, nanny-boy," Bella chuckled and peeked at the magazine. 123

"Do you mind it?" I asked after a minute of looking at our adventures in New York; Bella and Maya and I at the zoo, playing with the penguins, Maya on my shoulders as Bella bought us all hot chocolate from a street vendor, Maya and I building more snowmen in Central Park, us all at dinner, Bella holding Maya and kissing her nose, Bella and I kissing chastely. "Yeah," she answered instantly. "But it comes with the territory I guess. I mean, you accept me and I come with a shit ton of baggage. Why wouldn't I love you for the same reasons?" "My baggage is a little, um, public," I trailed off and threw the rag on the coffee table. "And mine is three years old and believes dinosaurs are hiding in North Dakota," Bella laughed and played with my fingers absently. "What does it matter, really?" "Maya wants a growl on TV," Bella handed me my phone back. I rolled my eyes and held her hand again. This was easy. This was Bella and I, and this made sense. "I can't get over how warm it is here," Bella finally spoke. "I mean, it's March and still we get flurries up home, but here, the sun is shining and I think I could get a tan." "You're here for one day and one night and leaving tomorrow, I doubt you'll get a tan," I chuckled. "And I'll miss you all over again," she promised. "Pale or sunburned." Bella cupped my cheek and kissed the other one reassuringly. We'd been apart since New York, two months prior. I wouldn't get to see Maya for another month at least. The time and distance were taking their toll on me, especially the time difference. I hated not seeing Maya every day, and I hated not holding Bella when she tried not to cry. "Mama, you sad," Maya stated as we all cuddled and watched cartoons one morning, the New York sunlight streaming through my windows and glittering off the snow in Central Park. "Not at all," Bella promised and hugged Maya tighter. "I feel it," Maya persisted, face solemn and knowing. "I know it." "How could I be sad when I have you here with me?" she asked. "I wish you my mother," Maya whispered and rested her head back on Bella's shoulder. I felt Bella tense and sigh suddenly. "What do you mean, novia?" she asked, her voice tired and defeated. "I wish I come from your belly so your not sad and you have no Good that left," Maya explained. "Then you never have sad." "Remember our song," Bella promised. I noticed the look of pain on her face, the pure love and the absolutely overwhelming guilt. "It's stronger than anything else. You are the little girl, born of the petals of roses, water from the stream, and a chunk of the sky. You are no one's. Never wish that Maya. You cannot wish her away, and I love her, because she's part of you." "We mountains," Maya decided after a quiet moment. I felt imposing again, as if I were hurting this beautiful moment between a family that I would never belong in, that I thrust myself into. "Mountains don't cry," Bella nodded. "We are we," Maya snuggled and yawned. "Are we going to talk about my next role?" I asked suddenly as the limo stopped. Bella stared at me, her eyes oozing warmth and this unmistakable fear she attempted to hide. "Do you have a script you like?" she asked as the driver knocked on the window. "No," I mumbled. "I'm new to this whole Hollywood thing, but why don't we wait until you find your Fight Club or something you love, and then you do it," she suggested. "Until then, there's always a position available for a capable nanny at casa Swan." I couldn't help but laugh with her. When Bella was happy, and I mean truly, completely free and alive, it was infectious. 124

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" I asked after kissing her a little too long and earning another knock on the window. "Edward, have you forgotten what I've been through?" she asked seriously. I thought of guns and death and blood and kissed her sweetly. I wanted that not to be an excuse; I'd rather her have fear than those memories. Her brow knitted gently before she straightened my tie once again and pushing some stray hair from my forehead. "I love you," I whispered and took a deep breath. "I love you too," she assured me as I opened the door. We didn't waste that phrase, we didn't mutter it every second, but used it to be that indescribable end all to any feelings we had. When Bella let me grow and beat my father's expecations, when I would be angry that he never got to meet her or Maya, or see my life get straightened, I told her I loved her. There was nothing else to say. She was there, and she understood. The noise swept through the cab of the car and made me want to slam it shut once again, but I was a professional, and I'd done this more times than I'd care to remember. I didn't want to slip back into whatever mode I'd been in before Bella, and this was the ultimate test; could I marry both of my lives, my past and my present while paving a way for my future, or was I doomed like my father thought? I climbed out quickly and offered my hand to Bella. James was waiting, ready to direct us all over the carpet. "Let me know if it's too much, alright?" I whispered as she stood beside me. She rolled her eyes and rubbed my cheek to get lipstick from it. "I'm not Maya," she scolded me. "I'm a big girl and I can handle this. Believe me, you aren't going to break me. You fix me, remember?" I nodded as James started to explain our schedule and what I was supposed to plug for my new film and what I was to avoid and what I was to address. I ignored it and really didn't care, not with Bella smiling and taking everything in for the first time. She was wrong; Bella was exactly like Maya, all innocence and wonder only lightly marred by the events of her life. She was violent and rare, and because of this, enjoyed every breath and every second of the sun. "Stand still," she whispered before we walked completely into the belly of the beast. I faced her and lifted my face to the sky as she tried again to fix my collar. I only lowered my eyes enough to catch her gnawing through her lip, as she made sure it was perfectly straight. "What about my flower?" I asked. "Is it in the right spot?" Bella adjusted that for me as well and I smiled, thinking of the little girl who missed me and wanted me to tuck her in at night. "Stop being a little girl," she snorted. "You're flower is fine." "Please, don't try to inflate my ego or anything," I pretended to pout and ducked my head. Familiar fingers swept along my temples and fixed the hair there. She pulled my ears so I was looking at her serious face. "You are incredibly handsome," she whispered as she slowly let go of my ears. Her eyes went dreamy again, and I smiled as she traced my nose. "Beautiful." "Remember, it's not goodbye," I whispered as I hugged Maya's small body. "I'll see you soon, alright? And Mama can let you call me whenever you want, and we can video chat online so we can practice our monster faces, right?" She wasn't crying, but I knew from the silence that she was upset. Maya was like that though, just like Bella, quiet, holding it all in and hoping the pain would dull or subside. "I miss you," she hugged me. I squeezed her and made monster noises. "I'll miss you," I assured her and swallowed hard. "You're the best side-kick in the world. Be good, alright?" 125

"I always good," she laughed as I blew a raspberry on her cheek and set her on the sidewalk. "I know, but be extra good when I'm not there, alright?" I begged as I knelt with her. She hugged me again and pulled away with a small smile as she clutched my sweatshirt. I couldn't believe how that simple jacket made my world go round. "Te amo," she whispered as I stood. "I love you more, Monster," I pulled her pigtail and pinched her cheek. The worst was yet to come as I turned to Bella, face blank and eyes round and defeated, like the day I first saw her. My heart felt like it'd been thrown through a blender. "Are you sure you'll be alright?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around her waist. She fell against my chest and clutched my jacket. "Not at all," she sighed. I knew she would be. I couldn't help myself, I kissed her. Among the roar of the crowd, the whistles and the cries of my name of the fans and the production people, I simply kissed her. "Alright, Romeo, let's get this show on the road," James muttered and nudged us both. Bella blushed again as I led her towards the progression. I introduced her to my costars, directors, friends, fellow actors, and a lot of people I wish hadn't known me. She shook their hands, kissed their cheeks, and smiled as if it was what she was meant to do. I saw the click, the switch from my Bella to professional, no emotions Bella. She was charming, polite, respectful, and outgoing just enough, yet quiet enough to be mysterious. Bella was all of that, and then, in a split second, she'd whisper something to me, and she'd give me that half smile, that shy, awkward, 'am I doing alright?' breakable smile, and I felt more at ease. We walked and chatted with ourselves until we got to the camera gallery. I waved as we stepped on our mark. More people called for Bella than for me. "Looks like I'm way cooler than you," she whispered and fixed a stray wisp of hair from my eyebrow. "And not as disheveled." "You secretly love my disheveledness," I laughed and pretended it was just us, and people weren't calling our names. She rolled her eyes with a smile. "What if I shaved my head, down to like an inch of hair?" "Then you'd lose your fangirls," she laughed and looked over my shoulder at the signs and catcalls. I laughed with her and took a few steps for more pictures. "You're my only fangirl," I explained and smiled towards the cameras. James finally reached for us and moved us towards the microphones. "And now we're here with Edward Cullen," the reporter grinned and shoved microphones in my face. Bella gripped my hand a little tighter. "And his lovely date, Bella Swan. So nice of you to stop by." "Thank you for having us," I grinned and kept it quiet. "Now we've seen you around town lately with a little extra weight, normally on your shoulders, the kid is home tonight?" the reporter prodded. Bella smiled as I searched her face and smiled with her. "Yes, the little Monster is back home with Grandma and Grandpa," I explained. "And how does she feel about watching your movies?" "She's his number one fan," Bella explained. "I've never seen them, but I let her watch them when he's away filming." "You've still never seen them?" I asked, laughing a little more. She shrugged and looked mockguilty. The reporter laughed and continued to prod. "And you're back in New York filming now, right?" she asked. I nodded and she continued. "How is that?" 126

"It's actually a lot of fun," I started, running my hand along my cheek. "It's a role I'm really excited about, and our director, the crew, everyone is just amazing." "And this is your second Oscar's correct? Any urge to be the one nominated?" "I think I'm alright with not being nominated," I managed to get out as James pulled me towards the next set of questions that would be exactly the same. "It's about doing something you love, and I'm lucky enough to not just work with all these amazing people that are nominated tonight, but I get to go home and have people who are proud of what I've done, even if they've never seen them." "I promise I'll watch them!" Bella laughed and pinched my shoulder. "But yeah, I would be lying if I said I never wanted to be nominated, but I've finally figured out the secret of happiness, and a statue won't do it for me," I kissed Bella's cheek as the reporter gave us moony eyes. "And what might that be?" she asked, but James pulled us along. I kissed her cheek and Bella shook her hand as I avoided the question. "That was cute," Bella whispered as we walked towards another interview. "You're quite eloquent and passionate." "I try," I smiled. That night, Bella smiled and laughed, and I joined her, enjoying people she had once watched before, and life became a dichotomy; the past and the present. There was the Bella that I knew and the Bella that didn't know pain. They were not the same person, but I was allowed to see the pain, and that was loving. Here, as we clapped and watched people I aspired to be like, as we were nothing more than a happy couple, dressed up for an elegant evening, we discovered that we weren't just broken, but we were thriving. "I knew a mother, who died of sorrow," Bella whispered as I sat in my office chair at my desk, looking through my father's will and assets and family picture album. I let her crawl into my lap, and for the day, I put my father away. "Can you really die from sorrow?" I asked, almost in disbelief. Bella had seen men murdered, with bullets and fists and knives; the idea of an emotion killing like a tangible weapon seemed weak. "It's not a sudden illness, or even a quick death," she mused as I twirled her hair, much like Maya did. "But it's something that kills you slowly, taking small pieces every day, until one day it finally takes all of you away." "Is that why you're so set on beating this, um, life situation?" I asked, kissing the top of her head. She smelled like lavender today. She nodded. "I watched that women being eaten away by it, and I promised myself that'd never be me. I won't let Maya watch that happen. Shit has happened to me, but out there, someone hurts worse, and I will beat this, and I do, every day I smile and love." "Sometimes it's hard, to smile and love," I confessed, peaking at the stack of papers. I remembered my father, and I remembered that I was family-less. "There are a group of people who carry the sky on their heads," Bella pulled back from under my chin and looked me in the eyes, though at the same time watching every other inch of my face. "They are strong, tall and mighty people who can bear anything. The Maker gives them the sky to carry because they are so strong, and these people don't know who they are, but if you feel a lot of sorrow, if it piles on your back, it is because you were chosen to carry part of the sky on your head." Bella rested her head back on my shoulder. I let her words sink into my skin and soul. "I wish I could hold up your section of sky," I whispered. "I don't have a section of sky," she shook her head with a slight laugh. "I have sun and earth, but no sky. I have too many gifts to carry the sky." That night I took Bella back to my house and watched the dress slip from her body in the dim light 127

of my bedroom. Wordlessly I undressed from my tuxedo and pulled her hair from its bun. It fell across her naked shoulders softly. I kissed Bella, and I made her mine and I gave her myself. There was a spanning of the continent in the feel of her breath on my shoulder, and there was the union of everything that mattered as her nails scratched my back and strived to grip the moment one second longer then we were allowed. There was all of this, and there was the primal, innate story of love and worship and thanks in the friction of our hips and the moans that we sang together, but more important, there was the removal of stitches from our sutures, from the gashes we'd impaled into our skin, and it was gentle and it was good. All of that happened, and none of it mattered after we layed in a slick, defeated, grinning mass of covers and hair and entangled limbs because what was born there was hope; this hope that we'd have each other tomorrow, and the next day, and no matter how much sky was thrown on top of our heads, the other would be there to pick up the slack. There's a terrifying twinge to permanence only because one knows that nothing is permanent and we are fleeting. But I realized that Bella wasn't fleeting, that there was no longer simply Edward Cullen. No matter what happened, I'd hold up her sky.

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Chapter 20
So I could stay the tallest man in your eyes, babe. So I could stay forever more in your eyes, babe. So I could stay the king you see In your eyes, babe "And who's that guy, number twenty-three?" I pointed towards the third base while looking at Maya. She had that face where anyone knew she was trying to thing especially hard. "Casey Blake," she responded automatically. "Five hundred and twenty six career RBI's and one hundred and forty six homeruns." I watched as she gave me a radiant smile, and again, just like every time she laughed, giggled, or even looked at me, I felt a punch of pride and love. "Edward!" I moaned and threw up my hands, exasperated. "You've corrupted my daughter!" "I did no such thing," he retorted and took another sip of his giant Coke after handing Maya the giant cotton candy stick. "But watch this." I turned to see the evil glint in his eyes as he wiggled his eyebrows and gave me a sexy smirk. Edward never ceased to take my breath away, at the most inopportune moments, as luck would have it. He'd pretty much lived with us all summer, and throughout the day, I found myself pinching myself. It was like a dream, to have no responsibilities, to justbreathe. We went to sleep together with no fear of airports calling to notify that a flight was on time, we woke up to Maya jumping on the bed and telling us about dreams of giant tree people and tiny tigers that could fit in our pockets, and not alarm clocks signifying work or the end of a night where Edward would have to leave for some distant city for a few more weeks, and we spent the summery, hot, sunny days relaxing by the pool, playing at the park, hiking in the forest, visiting Charlie, or going to all kinds of special things for Maya, not grasping for time like water. And all the while, Edward made me fall in love with him, he made me think of us as a family, all the while, forgetting that at any moment a script could come along and he'd be gone a month later, making us go back to passing in the night, long phone calls, and longing chests. "Maya, who's on deck for the Cubs?" "Doesn't matter because George Sherrill is at the top of his game with a one-point-seven EMA, and Manny is coming to bat next inning," Maya smiled as Edward gave her a high-five and pushed her new Dodger hat over her face. They were a pair together. "Why I have mark on my arm?" Maya asked one day by the pool as she showed Edward how well she could swim her favorite stroke, the froggy, as she liked to call it. "Everyone has marks on them," Edward explained as she latched around his neck. "See this?" he asked, pointing to a two-inch scar over his elbow. "Mine bigger," Maya stated simply, tracing the discolored skin. "Yes, but I have more," he insisted, his voice solemn. "And I hope it stays that way." "Why you have it? Why I have mine?" Maya asked, eyes turning to Edward's. "I got this when I fell off of the swing and landed on a stick when I was ten," Edward explained. "And you got yours when you were looking for your Mama when you were two. We have marks because it's how we remember stories about our life." "But I never forget that!" Maya explained as she floated away from Edward and he chased her happily, grabbing her and throwing her up over his head. "Good, because it was the best day of my life." Edward gave me a smile and splashed Maya happily. Ironically, it was the happiest day of my life, considering. "It's e-R-a," Edward corrected, "But that's right." Edward puffed his chest proudly. Anything Maya 129

did, Edward was proud of, and his walls of his apartment proved it. Every piece of artwork was a Picasso, every scribble his own Monet, every picture of us all together, or just Maya was like a moment of pure happiness for him. It was alarming and amazing, to see our lives become tangled, for my laundry bin to have men's boxers in it, for my bedroom to somehow gain a few pairs of Edward's shoes and a cell phone and laptop charger that weren't my own, for my bathroom to get a vast array of Edward-smelling colognes and aftershaves and shampoos, for the kitchen to have hidden in it disgusting pieces of hard candy that only Edward liked. When I thought about it, it was as if this whole melding had happened overnight, but at the same time I knew that even if it was overnight, if Edward had just moved in, I'd be alright with it. "You trained my three year old to trash talk the other team with stats and acronyms she has no idea as to what they mean?" I couldn't help but sound a little astonished. "Hey, you have your bedtime stories, and I have mine," he stuck his tongue out at me and winked. Again, I was happy. I shook my head and went back to watching the game before us. The seats I bought Edward for Christmas were better than I had expected; first base line, only a few rows back from the dugout. Maya was having a blast, cheering and chattering with Edward about on base percentages and the yucky spitting. I doubted I'd ever get another, more perfect present for him; Cubs versus the Dodgers for the opening day at Wrigley Field. Both of his favorite teams, in his less than favorite city. "I just don't want to go," Edward ran his hand through his hair awkwardly as he paced across his bedroom, clad in only boxers and a nasty scowl, I pulled the sheets up higher over my naked chest and huffed as I pushed my crazed sex-hair from my face. Minutes ago we were a sweaty, tangled bunch of each other, and now, we were distant and separate. He might as well have been back in New York. "What about the game?" I asked, avoiding the giant, ugly, roaring elephant in the room that was the city of Chicago. Baseball had become my excuse, but Edward's father was my intent. Would I want to go to Guatemala? I wasn't sure. "I can watch it on TV," he answered, pausing and staring into nothing at the vertex of his pace. That was when I became angry, because my Christmas present was essentially pointless then. "Fine, but Maya and I are going to Chicago at the end of the summer to see the Dodgers play the Cubs," I retorted as I pulled the sheet and started to look for my clothes. Edward was only in Seattle for a night between promoting and filming, and I hated fighting. Edward stood still, frozen and almost statuesque as I pulled on discarded panties and snapped my bra quickly before turning and looking for my shirt. I took a deep breath as I slid my pants on and checked the clock to see that Maya had long since gone to bed. Guilt crept into my chest that I was out shacking up with Edward while my daughter was with Tia Alice, but after the past few weeks I had, I just needed him, I needed the reassurance of summer. "You're leaving?" he almost gasped. I stood with my arms in the armholes of my shirt and shoulders hunched, hair in my mouth and eyes. Neither of us had ever simply left. We'd had fights, we'd sulk in different rooms, but we never let it continue. Of course, I'd never been at the end of my rope, finally. "You have a flight to catch in two hours, and I assumed you want to sleep, not argue about Chicago," I answered quite crankily. I was ragged. We were in the middle of swim season, we were in the middle of preparing for SATs, ACTs, APs, and every other acronym for a stupid, brain-numbing test out there, and Maya was just getting over having the flu. Edward missed all this fun, because he was out in New York, missing us. We were here, missing him, and that just added to my list of things to do: wake up, drink coffee, get 130

Maya ready for school, go to work, pick Maya up, have swim practice, make dinner, clean the house, grade papers, miss Edward, call Edward, talk until it was much to late, sleep a few hours, and repeat. "I want to spend each minute of those two hours with you, right here," he whispered as he took a step forward and hugged me tightly. I melted against his chest. I melted and I cried. "Don't cry, I'll go to Chicago, I will," he vowed and hushed me all at once. I let him sit us both down on the floor, me in his lap, arms strangling each other. I wanted him badly, I needed him here, and missing him took up a bigger part of my life than I was alright with it being. So I cried because I was overwhelmed, and again, I cried for the weight on my shoulders of Maya and our past. I cried because Edward was far away and this was the definition of our life together; one night here and there. I cried because I felt stagnant, like I wasn't making any progress in therapy. I wanted the quick fix, the band-aid that solved everything, that made the hurt, the images, the guilt disappear, but no matter how much research was done, no pill could be made to do that. "I just can't wait for this summer," I whispered as I dried my eyes. Edward kissed my cheeks, he ran his fingers along my neck and shoulders, and he hushed me. "I can't wait to start my life with you," Edward assured me. "I love you." "I love you," I whispered and kissed his jaw. But, that was a different kind of love, and life is a different kind of breathing. "Mama, did you see how high he hitted it?" Maya squealed from her perch on Edward's shoulders as we walked towards the hotel, all in matching blue jerseys and hats. "I did," I egged her on, amazed still by my growing daughter's happiness. "Do you think it touched the sky?" "No, the sky is so, so, so high it couldn't," Maya scolded me. I wrapped my arm around Edward's waist as we entered the hotel, all laughing and content in the family we created. I was hesitant to use the word, but none other seemed fitting enough. "Well, it was still pretty high though, wasn't it?" Edward asked, leaning his head back and searching for Maya. She rooted her hands under his chin as he tipped them around awkwardly. "I could hit higher," she answered honestly. "Yeah?" Edward bated her as I fished out our hotel card and let us into the suite Edward picked. I let them ramble and wrestle around in the living room area while I changed and washed my face. We'd already been in Chicago for three days, Edward showing us the sights of his childhood; the zoo, the parks, the best restaurants, ice cream, and random shops. We were leaving tomorrow to go back to Seattle, to our life, to normalcy, and I couldn't be happier. Of course, we still hadn't visited Edward's childhood home yet, and that was where his ghosts were, a part of him I was dying to see, but at the same time, absolutely petrified. Chicago was his journal, it was his orphanage and it was his opened wound. "I can't get out of bed today," I whispered, pulling sheets higher over my shoulders. "Please, just not today?" I begged. I closed my eyes and locked them, hoping that would make the day fast forward. "Bella, a year ago, you were a different person, two years ago you were even more different, next year, you'll be renewed and different again," Edward explained, nose running along the column of my throat and hands holding me tightly. "I still don't know who I am," I swallowed hard. I didn't want to move, to think. Edward pulled away and I heard a drawer open, then his body back near my own. "Day 365," Edward started to read. "I can't believe I've been here for a whole year. Already I can't remember what Twizzler's taste like, or what Alice's favorite nail polish color is. Lately, the only color my nails are is dirt. I can't really picture going back either. How do you keep on living when you know that there are children under guns, or worse yet, how will I leave Maya? Every day she grows more and more my shadow. Jake said she's picking up my mannerisms, and he misses no chance to make fun 131

of us together when we scowl at the same time, or smile similarly. When I look at her, I know that her mother is dead. No one would let a girl that sweet, precious, and amazing out of their sight unless it was necessary. A year has felt like forever, and I can't imagine another one ending. Maybe it won't, maybe I'll be forever stuck in this-" "Just stop," I pled with Edward's voice. "But you're not," he insisted, pulling blankets from my head. "You weren't stuck in that year, and you're not stuck anymore. Bella, you're healing, and yeah, the last time you saw those kids and Jake and Leah was a year ago, but a year ago today I saw you for the first time. Life started over and a new year began." "I'll never see them again," I muttered. I felt tears, but I refused to cry. I was done with that. I was bigger than that. I was stronger than that. "So you stop living?" He cocked his head to the side. The light from my bedroom window painted bright yellow, almost white, lines across his broad chest and the rest of his body, hidden under blankets we'd come to share. "You can't do that to me." "Just for today," I sighed. "Just for today let me stop living with them." "So, are we ready to go?" I asked as I walked back into the living room, Edward and Maya sitting by the coffee table, coloring happily with Bob Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited playing in the background. Two faces looked at me, one happy, the other oddly upset. "Can I finish my picture?" Maya asked quite seriously. "Please?" "Alright," I agreed. Edward stood and replaced his crayon in the box before walking towards me. "Why did you change?" he pouted. "I liked the way that jersey looked on you." "I was thinking of wearing that later," I teased and gave him my own version of a suggestive smile. Green eyes grew wide as they stared at me with an accompanying hopeful smile. I tipped my toes and reached his ear, holding my body close to his, yet not grabbing him. "Just the jersey." "Fuck," Edward hissed and whispered gently, the breath stinging my neck sweetly. I smiled in victory as I took a step away and watched him stand there, in a trance. "You do know that I'm yours for the next few months at least," Edward managed to say between my lips suffocating him. "I'm not running away this time, no planes to catch, no meetings to go to." I didn't care what he was saying, because Maya was asleep, the doors were locked, the house was clean, and Edward was back, for an extended period of time. I didn't need any other facts. "I don't care," I explained, pushing him towards the bed. We tumbled together, pulling clothing and trying to keep our lips attached to some form of skin at all times. He tasted like cinammon and only reminded me of sin. "There is so much time to make up for." And there was. He'd been gone for four months, and I'd missed him, even with infrequent visits and much too long phone calls. Shooting had wrapped and I knew he'd be gone for some light promoting. I was going to make up for that time too. I may have been a war vetran, I may have been a basket case who saw a therapist, I may have been a mother to an adopted daughter, but I was also a woman. I was a woman who was finally able to touch and lick and feel Edward, and for now, that was the hat I gladly wore. "We have forever to be together, but I like where your mind is, Swan," Edward growled and nipped my lip and chin before moving to my neck and shoulders. My arms wrapped around his head, pulling him tightly as moans flittered from my tongue. Our chests were mashed together, and I felt him over my body, enveloping it, owning it. "Don't you think you'll get sick of me, Mr. Movie Star? Last time I checked," I gasped as teeth found chest and bra met floor. "You were cheating on me with your co-star." "Yes, well I told her I was madly in love with another," Edward murmured to my navel. "This gorgeous, silly, gossip rag reading English teacher from Seattle. I hope you don't mind sharing me with 132

her." "I do," I moaned as fingers found skin and flesh and legs met quivering. "I can't share you with anyone." "Then my lovely co-star told me about her girlfriend, who ironically, was an English teacher also, though from Maine," Edward's words were spoken to my jeans as they reached the ground. "So imagine all the fun I had talking to my lesbian co-star about our love for English teachers and tits, and especially English teachers with tits." Edward trailed his bottom lip, dragging it along the familiar path along my body to my mouth before kissing me gently, growing with intensity as our hips moved and ground together. "Sometimes I need assurances, you know?" I asked airily. "I justhate seeing things like that." "And I hate to think that you are home, wondering if I'd cheat on you," Edward growled. "I wouldn't. I won't lose you and Maya, and I will glady spend," he kissed my neck, "forever," he pushed himself into me, making me gasp and arch, "proving that I love only you." "I believe it," I moaned quite loudly. "But I'm enjoying your proof." "So, this is it," Edward whispered, holding Maya tightly on his hip. I could see the anxiety on his face and in his shoulders as he took a deep breath and looked at the brick-faced building before us. I followed his gaze to the beautiful building before us, the elgant columns, the four stories, the marble stairs, the name plate on the wrought-iron fence with the word Cullen scrawled gracefully in bronze. This was pre-Bella Edward, and this was suddenly a bad idea. "Where do you hide the spare key?" I asked bluntly as I searched for a planter or something on the meticulous doorstep. Edward laughed slightly before standing before the giant red door and ringing the doorbell. Maya peered through mail slot. I wrapped my fingers around Edward's, hoping that simple gesture would tell him that no matter what it was alright, that no matter what he still had us. He felt heavy, even in palm against palm. "Master Edward?" An older man opened the door. He was dressed in a plain black polo and khaki's, his hair combed and beard trimmed determindedly. I felt Edward take a deep breath that he never let it out, so I let it out for him. "George?" Edward asked, a fainst smile appearing. In a minute, Edward shook the man's hand and hugged him tightly. I picked Maya up and held her like a ward against the unknown. We were walking into a past that wasn't our own, and a future that would be defined by what happened here. My daughter played with my hair and rested against my shoulder. There was nothing more assuring than the perfect feeling of her head against my neck, fitting perfectly. "What are you doing here, my boy?" the elderly butler asked, sizing Edward up and holding his broad shoulders, almost measuring him against the picture in his mind. "I, uh, well just came to say good bye, I guess," Edward shrugged, cleared his throat and retreated to my side. "George, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Bella Swan, and her daughter, Maya." "I didn't think it was possible for you to be more beautiful than the pictures in those magazines Jane keeps around," George shook my hand, "But you are, Ms. Swan." I blushed, yet had nothing to tell him. I didn't know who he was. "And you, little Swan, are as beautiful as your mother." Maya shook his hand and gave him a big baby-toothed smile. "George has been working with our family since before I was born," Edward explained as the door shut behind us. "His wife, Jane, too." Before I could respond, the unfamiliar noise of nails on hardwood, of flopping limbs and frenzied panting met our ears. Soon it was followed by a thump and a rug being shuffled under four feet. Edward looked startled but didn't move as a giant, mammoth, monsterous excuse for a dog bounded toward him, tongue down to his knees and slobber dripping appropriately. "Sammy!" Edward cheered as he was tackled to the ground and immediately pinned under the 133

behemoth. I clutched Maya tighter. Loud woofs reverberated through the entryway. After a minute of laughs and licks Edward managed to stand up and run his hands over the gaint dog roughly. He looked like an elk. "I can't believe I forgot about you, Sammy," Edward laughed and joked easily. "I thought Dad gave you away when I left." "Master Cullen wouldn't let us get rid of him," George answered. "Bella, can you believe it?" Edward gave me a child-like smile. He was already millions of miles away and a handful of years ago just by stepping back through that door. "No," I shook my head, "He's huge." It was at this word that the raging elephant decided to turn his head towards me. "He's not that big," Edward shook his head and stood up straight. The dog could poke his elbow with his ear. "Sit, Sammy." Obediantely the dog sat like a statue, ears pricked up and boucnign between our voices. Maya wiggled in my grasp to go pet it, but I held tight. "What is it?" I asked, waiting for him to say 'part stegosaurus'. "Great Dane," Edward said proudly. "It was a present from my first director." I watched as his hand ran affectionately over a sleek brown coat. The dog's tongue flopped out the side of his mouth. "He's trained and everything, but I thought my dad got rid of him a long time ago." "Mama, I want to pet Sammy!" Maya exclaimed. I warily set her down and watched her approach the dog that was taller than her, sitting down. A long pink tongue slapped across her face as she giggled and pet his head. "He's coming back with me," Edward stated firmly, looking at Maya hugging the dog she met only minutes ago. "Do you have the room in your apartment?" I asked feebly. I felt like there wasn't enough room in the giant living room of this giant house. "No," Edward shook his head. "But I have enough room in the house I just bought." Just like that my head snapped to stare at him as he quickly looked towards Maya and knealt out of my confused glare. And, just like that, I was suddenly irrationally mad at him for buying a house without telling me, without even taking into consideration Maya and I, and I was mad at myself for considering us a unit. "I'll go grab some papers the lawyer left," George quickly bowed out as he saw my face and Edward's refusal to look at me. I watched Sammy roll on the ground and Maya sit almost on top of him and still not make him cringe. Edward and her rubbed his tummy and giggled at his floppy tongue. "I think there are treats in the kitchen, as George and you can give one to Sammy, alright?" Edward finally suggested to Maya. She stood and ran towards the back of the house, dog eclipsing her as they turned the corner. "Youbought a house?" I finally whispered and stayed rooted in the same spot I'd been in since we stopped in the living room. Edward stood and looked at me as if I were a five year old, eyes full of compassion and almost condescention at knowing that the other didn't understand. I hated it. "I bought a house," he repeated. "I wanted to surprise you, to prove something. It's a few blocks from your townhouse, and my lease is up next month." "You bought a house?" I asked again. We were in Chicago, he was covered in slobber from another life, and Maya was feeding a dog somewhere in the mansion that was his childhood home. Things were far from alright. "I had this whole romantic dinner planned," Edward ran his hands through his hair and pulled it as 134

he dropped his eyes from mine. I begged for green to come back to me. "And I was going to tell you how I can't live without you, and you and Maya both make me a better person." I watched Edward approach me as his hands shoved into my pockets. "And I was going to spoil you with banana nut pancakes and tell you how I would make them every Sunday if we lived together. If you fell into my trap, you'd say that we sort of did already live together, and I'd ask you if you'd sort of like to live with me officially." There was a lot of information there, a lot of facts and theories that scared me because they were plans for the future, a future that was unsure. "And if that didn't work, I was going to tell you that Maya needed a tree house," Edward continued, a slight smile on his lips as he stared at mine, and I stared at his eyes, watching my lips being gnawed to bits. "Of course you would have to say" "That we didn't have a tree," I whispered. "And I would tell you that the house I wanted to buy had a perfect tree house tree. And I'd ask you and Maya to live with me, or allow me to live with you, or just for us all to live togetherand just startlifestart breathing" Edward watched the fear and confusion dance across my face. "And I was going to do all of this after Chicago, after I was sure that I was over this place and my ghosts, but I can't wait. I'm sure. When I left Chicago, I was a different horrible person, and then I met a woman on a plane with a little girl who changed my life, and I know it's selfish, but yeah, during the day, I like to make plans, to think about tucking Maya into her bedroom as we go to our bedroom, in our house. I don't have just an Edward plan anymore, I have an our plan, and want to make more with you." "This means you don't get to leave," I finally explained after a few minutes of just our breathing. "This means that if you go to work, you come back, to us. This means that you don't get to abandon Maya, and you can't stop loving us, because once we let you in, we would break to let you out." Edward kissed me. He kissed me so tenderly I heard a door creak and I heard nails on hardwood and the patter of Maya's shoes on crumpled carpet. I heard and I didn't pull away, but kissed him back, because in that kiss was his promise. "I will never leave Maya, or you," Edward explained. "We can talk about it when we get back, but I just want you to consider it. I'm trying, so hard, to make positive steps, to make a happy life for us all." I knew that I'd move in with Edward, and I knew that we'd start a life together, because there was no one else that I could imagine making a life with. I didn't tell him yet, because I wanted him to sweat, to feel bad about trying to trick me into moving in with him. I wouldn't keep Maya away from him, and I knew that we were simply meant to have that moment, this breath, this thrush of life. We needed it because we knew what it was like for it to not be there next year. And of course we were going to be happy. But that was a different kind of happy, and life is a different type of breathing.

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Chapter 21
Beat my brow beat my chest beat the ones that love me the bet oh, how could they be liars? They ensure me health, life and fire. "Do you feel that?" Bella asked me suddenly as she came barreling down the stairs. Sammy flopped down after her, since recently taking up following one of us around for a whole day, then switching it up the next morning. "The house move under that earthquake of stomping feet?" I joked, as I looked up from the script I was reading in my newest favorite chair in our new house. Maya squealed as Sammy flopped down beside her on the ground of the living room as she colored happily. In a second she was being licked and rolling around to avoid the giant tongue. Bella smiled a giant, cheek-busting smile as she skipped to me, threw my script on the floor, and plopped in my lap. I heard barks and Maya laughing from outside, echoing through the opened windows and doors that let the sweet autumn breeze cut some of the residual summer heat from the house. If I looked out the window, I would have seen Maya throwing some of Sammy's toys as he chased them and never returned it, forcing her to chase after him until they both collapsed in the grass from losing their breath and laughing. "I know you feel it," Bella smiled even wider, wrapping arms around my neck and fingers dancing in the hair on the nape. I couldn't help but grin as I moved forward to kiss her, in our house, in our living room. There were a lot of ours in that thought, and I smiled wider. "I feel a lot at the moment," I answered honestly. She pulled back slightly, only making her face ooze more happiness. I'd never seen Bella so happy, ever, in the whole time I'd known her. But I knew her pain, and that made this moment that much more meaningful. I knew what made her hurt, and now, I made her happy. "Hey, it's my birthday, so I can call for all the birthday sex I want, but not right now," Bella wiggled against me as I tickled her. "Your birthday isn't until tomorrow," I chided. "So if I were to put Maya down for a nap and order you into the bedroom for birthday sex you'd turn me down?" she pouted. It was airy, it was like the breeze, and it was rare, this mood, and I would buy her twelve houses to keep her as such. "I would gladly run into our bedroom," I finally kissed her even as she struggled to pin my arms down on the chair. "But we wouldn't call it birthday sex. More like afternoon delight." Then Bella laughed. It was one of those belly laughs, where your diaphragm hurts after, and anyone around you can't help but smile, and their diaphragm calls to yours, and they hurt together. "I unpacked the last box," she whispered as she kissed along my neck. I let her shackle my hands, though nothing would have made me happier than to squeeze her ass. "We're moved in, officially, completely, entirely." "So you want 'un-packed the house' sex?" I gave her a faux seduction smile. "Is that all you use me for? My body! I'll have no more of this, Ms. Swan, you shameless harlot!" I tried to move my face from hers, though still stuck by her hands. She moved to kiss me but I pulled away. "Oh, Edward, I can't help myself!" she played along, kissing me with exaggerated noises. "I don't 136

care that you're intelligent," she kissed my neck and nibbled my ear. "Or that you're caring and compassionate," she let my hands go and ran hers along my chest. "Or that you're the most manly, perfect man I've ever met." I finally grabbed her ass and smiled, as her voice grew darker. "I just want your body." She bit down on my lip and pulled gently. "Not fair," I growled, letting my eyes close and head lull against the back of the chair. I heard the barks grow few and far between signifying the collapse of the two dynamos outside which would inevitably lead to their reentry to the house. "I don't have to play fair, it's my birthday," Bella laughed and hugged me close as I tried not to pick her up and throw her over my shoulder before running up the steps in record time. It amazed me that she could go hot to cold in the drop of a hat. It was also torture. Pure, unadulterated torture. And I loved it. We sat together as Maya came back in with grass stains on her knees. She went right back to coloring. Bella picked up the script and handed it to me as she dozed in my arms and I read. The autumn buzz of afternoon vibrated through our bones as we listened to faint whisperings from the radio in the background. "This is my bedroom," I opened the door covered in punk band stickers slowly, as if I expected a crazy robber to be waiting inside. Bella walked inside my childhood bedroom, Maya on her hip and a faint grin on her face. I watched her look over the pile of books thrown about the desk, on the floor, the giant collection of records covering a whole wall, keyboard and guitar against another, posters littering every inch of forest green colored walls, the pile of baseball cards, the mitt, the hats, the knick knacks from years of travels with my parents. She saw all of it when all I wanted to do was throw it all in boxes and put it away for another day. The model plane she traced reverentially was the first I made with my father, before my mother got sick. The comic books she flipped through were hours spent hidden from the world. The pictures she squinted at, of me at five, of me at nine, of me at twelve, with my mother, before the radiation, before the hurt, before my father became my father and was just my dad, needed only to be left here in this sick museum. "You could never get your hair under control, could you?" she laughed as she pointed and Maya gazed at the little me. I shrugged and caught myself as I almost ran a hand through it. "Not at all," I gave her a smile as she saw every part of me, the profession of my family's apathy, the man I wasn't sure was still in me, my father, my mother. It is alarming, to be exposed. "You look like your father," she smiled at me, as if it were a compliment. "I wish I could have met him." My throat was tight and it hurt at the thought. My father wouldn't approve of the woman I was in love with because he would never meet her. He would never fall for her charm or laugh at her faces or tell me that I picked a wonderful wife. That thought left me lonely. "He would have told me you were too good for me," I whispered and turned my gaze to a pile of discarded CDs. Bella rolled her eyes at the fact. "Your mother was beautiful," she became quiet, almost not trying to say it too loudly so I could pretend to hear it or not. "She was," I agreed wholeheartedly. "And I know she would have loved you." Again, the blatant facts that neither would meet Bella, that they wouldn't see the man I became around Maya, that this house would be locked up, sold, rented, contents boxed and stored until I was capable of sorting it one room at a time, all made my head hurt and swirl until I felt woozy on my feet. I watched Bella sit Maya on the neat bed, sleeping comfortably as she grabbed the blanket folded on the end. I watched her walk up to me and simply hug me. 137

"They don't tell you what to do when you find you have rain in your hands," Bella whispered to my chest. "Damn this wind," I kissed the top of her head and thanked her. "It's still moving into these bones and the bed of my soul." "We all have our black crosses in June," she promised. "Everyone. But we're your family. You're not alone." "I know," I sighed. We hid our tears in the grass, and though anyone would mistake it for dew, we knew what it was, and we knew where it was hidden. "So do you like the script?" Bella asked suddenly, throwing away the quiet and simple buzz that came from a lazy Sunday. "I do," I answered honestly. I'd already rejected about a million possibilities. "When, where, how long?" she prodded, big brown eyes staring at me intently. It was as if she were memorizing everything about every atom of my make up. "Start filming in a few weeks, LA, for probably until after New Years," I sighed. "Is it your Fight Club?" she asked, stretching her body lazily. I looked up to see Maya's head resting on Sammy's back as they slept in a patch of warm light that filtered through the windows. "Maybe," I nodded. "Take the dog with you," Bella yawned. Sammy raised his head at the word 'dog,' Bella's affectionate term for the slobbering mess. "I would never," I promised. "Maya loves him. You know she doesn't get along with anyone from her class since Seth got moved to a different room." Bella frowned immediately. "I don't understand what the conference was about," I shook my head as I flipped pancakes and Bella cut fruit for dinner. "Her teacher said she was being a disruption and not listening to directions," Bella sighed and shook her head as well, her face growing determined as she sliced aggressively. "That doesn't sound like Maya," I observed. In pre-K for a whole month, and apparently Maya became an anarchist. "Maya," Bella called and was quickly answered by pounding feet and the quickly by four more padded paws. "Mama?" Maya asked as she crept into the kitchen. She'd never been in trouble before. Bella set the knife down and knelt with her daughter, giving her a reassuring smile. They looked alike, brown eyes opened like windows to silence and gentle smiles that were almost invisible. "Why don't you tell Edward what happened at school today, with Seth?" Bella prodded. "They make Seth go to special class because he can't hear," Maya explained, looking at me through her lashes. "And they no let me go with him, but he's my best friend! And Samson and Delilah go everywhere together." "Who?" I interrupted. "The penguins," Bella whispered and gave me the big eyes, 'don't interrupt' face. "So I told them I can't hear," Maya explained. "I already talk to Seth with my hands. It not hard. Then I only speak Spanish, so they think I special too." I couldn't help but laugh at the mischievous, precious, pure girl in front of me, almost crying, though she would never. "You are special," I promised. I made dinner with Maya's help as Bella hung out in the living room, grading papers and quizzes she'd already assigned. "Do you remember the deal?" I whispered to Maya as she sprinkled cheese on the pizza we were 138

making from scratch. "Yes," she nodded eagerly. "Will Mama like my present?" "Of course," I promised. We spent the evening running around outside while candles burned to keep off bugs and Sammy sat on the porch, not lifting his head to acknowledge our existence. I pushed both Maya and Bella on the new swing set I had installed a month ago, and they thought it would be fun to chase me through the grass until I fell, to which they tackled me eagerly. There, under lightning bugs and that faded blue jean grey the sky gets when the sun is gone completely from view, but still bouncing off of the universe into the sky, with fresh, cool grass tickling our bare feet and completely silly faces and monster growls, we were our own little island, our own little fort. I didn't think about my father, or what he was missing, and Bella didn't look pained. We were simply growing. We were breathing. "You don't get to do that, Edward!" Bella screamed as she slammed the door to the bathroom that separated our bedroom from the shower. I opened my mouth to argue, but the door flew open a second later. "Don't you dare say that you were just being nice. You know that I need you to back me up. She's mine, Edward. I didn't ask for parenting help." The door slammed before I could get a word in edgewise. I stood there, fist ready to knock, but instead lashed in midair. I didn't know how I felt, but I knew it wasn't good. I felt anger build as muscles tightened and harsh words clashed in my mouth, begging to be released. But I didn't give her that. I didn't hurt myself like that. I grabbed the comforter and trudged and stalked to the couch. And when I got there, I beat the pillow until Sammy raised his head from his massive bed and he judged me, he told me how I screwed up, and I glared at him. For hours I turned in circles like a seal fresh out of the water and doing carnival tricks. I listened to Sammy snore like a freight train and I heard creaks of the house. It did nothing to calm my shattered nerves. As the hours ticked by, I grew more and more restless. We were fighting over Maya, and how I let her do something Bella didn't want her to do, like I always did. It was a ridiculous fight, but words, they cut. I finally gave up and slunk back upstairs, defeated. Bella was sleeping on her side of the bed, uncovered, light still on and clothes still on from earlier. I traced a hand along her still damp hair. "You promised you'd never leave," Bella whispered, keeping her eyes shut tightly. "I came out from taking a shower, and you were gone." "I went to the couch," I explained as I sat on the edge of the bed. "But I couldn't sleep knowing you were mad, or we were fighting." "I'm sorry," she turned and stared at me. "My shoes keep sticking to the ground." "I'm sorry," I traced her cheek. "Say yes before I change my mind?" "No, I'm sorry," Bella huffed. "I saidI said very hurtful things. It wasn't right. I'm working on my faults and cracks, trying to fill in all these holes and blanks, but when I write everything out, when I think, it doesn't make sense. I need you fill everything else in." I let her kiss my palm. I made us a straight line, I drew it perfectly, bold and dark for everyone to see. I wouldn't erase Bella, and I couldn't because there was no way I had the proper tools, and they probably didn't exist. "My pants seem to love your floor," I smiled, working on my backwards walk, back to Bella, one more time, every time. "I need you, and I'm so sorry," Bella begged me to believe her. It only made my chest tight to see her in pain. 139

"Bella, we're going to fight sometimes, and we'll disagree and debate," I explained, kissing her temple. "Do we have to?" she gave me a weak smile. "Of course!" I scoffed. "How else am I going to keep you and your absolute control issues in line, and how else are you going to get me to buy you roses and mountains of candy?" Bella chuckled and sat up beside me, stroking my cheek, and again, memorizing the quirks in my atoms. "I don't know what I meant by what I said, but I know it was wrong," she breathed. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready to give up control of Maya, I mean, in a sense, you know?" "But you have to know that I care for her, as if she was my own," I vowed to Bella's understanding smile. "I know, she knows," Bella promised. "I'm justfiguring this out." "We both are," I assured her. And we both were figuring everything out. Borders and lines become blurred and confused and distorted sooner or later. "And I love you too, anyways, Olivia told her mother as she drifted to sleep," I read to Maya as she clutched her giant purple quite tighter and the jacket in another. She smiled and flopped back against the pillow. "That's a good one," she decided and pushed hair from her face. I closed the book and set in on her nightstand. "I set the alarm, alright, so when it beeps, you run into the room, alright?" I asked and explained. Maya nodded happily and stole a glance at the alarm clock. "But not before then, alright? We don't want to ruin the surprise." "I promise, Edward!" she nearly shouted. I stuck out my pinky and she grabbed it with hers. "Pinky promise." "Goodnight, Monster," I kissed her forehead. She smelled like princess bubble bath and vanilla. "I love you." "'Night Edward," she sighed and rolled over to clutch the jacket. "Te amo." Just like that the world seemed to spin correctly. With a tiny voice that mumbled through sleep to affirm the innate human need for love and understanding, Maya made me a better man. Nothing else matters in the world at moments like this, where you are loved for what you do, not how many blockbusters you have or what you wore or who you fucked last. I crept out of the room and called for Sammy to follow, but he remained a tired lump of dog at the side of Maya's bed. I heard the shower accompanying the overwhelming hum of rain from outside, so I snuck downstairs to make sure the house was closed for the night. Flicking locks and closing windows, picking up toys and wiping down the counters, I felt something. There was this twinge, this breath of responsibility. "I finally have an 'I told you so' better than any one of yours," I whispered to dirt and grass and marble. A faint drizzle trumpeted around us as I felt the spark inside of me stolen, the breath taken. I was sure it wouldn't stop until all of the poets have failed. I felt Bella squeeze my hand and I looked up to see Maya playing among graves, hands outstretched and running, as children do, afraid not of mortality. "This is Bella Swan, and I will marry her one day, and I love her and her daughter," I muttered, head ducked as hair dripped in my eyes. "She's given me the spark, I can finally breathe, and I hear the shuffle of my dancing feet because she's finishing what you started, making me a good, honest man." "You're already a good man," Bella scolded me, hugging me tighter. "She's a bit of a liar though," I teased. "She also has the coldest feet in the world and refuses to 140

make her bed." "Stop!" Bella hissed. "Your father is going to think I'm a flake!" "Bella, he can't hear you, this is a slab of rock and a plot of earth. My father is dead," I shook my head. "If you believed that we wouldn't be here," she whispered, leaning on my shoulder. Maya's giggles bounced from stone to stone, from name etched in rock to dates faded with moss, and the faint tip tap tip tap of rain drops puttered around Bella and I as we stared at the ground. "Happy Birthday," I whispered as I finally climbed into bed beside Bella. The downstairs was clean and locked, security code punched and armed, blinds shut, night light on, clothes off. "It's not my birthday yet," she shook her head as her tiny body melted against my own. I gave my body and soul for this chance to make amends. "Close enough," I hushed her and turned the light off on my nightstand. The window in our room was still open, and rain and wind played outside a perfect birthday song for Bella. I dozed there, caressing soft skin under a shirt Bella had stolen from me at some point, her smell, fresh out of the shower, both leaking warmth and vanilla and fresh cotton into our selves. "For my birthday can you just pause this moment?" Bella finally hummed. I felt her lungs expand in her chest against my own. She held it for a second, and I did as well. This breath was all I needed. "I never want it to go away. Rain and your heartbeat. Shower and cologne and fresh laundry. Warmth and a kissing breeze." I kept still, remembering this. I kept breathing. I heard the world falling down outside, as it shook apart windowpanes and shuttered the walls. I was once a man with the world in his hands, but that seemed like a sick lie. Now I had it all. "Every time it rains, take a breath and remember, even for a second," I whispered, not wanting to compete with the harmony outside. "When it rains, let it wash us both away, because our love is so much sweeter in these clouds and puddles." "The wicked weight of the world keeps me from spinning, and every high tide works to keep us down," Bella sighed, rolling her shoulders and stretching like a cat, muscles languid and draped along my skin. "But I will say bring me some rain, and if you can manage to bring me some thunder, I'll try to keep my eyes closed from the morning sun." "I can bring you thunder," I promised. She nodded and smiled. I felt it, in the dark. We sat in bed, touching and whispering. There were promises, where I told her that she scared me. She told me I owned her. We didn't bother to look for morning, and for the moment, we caught the silence where it sang. There were giggles, tickles and reassurances. I turned inside out and Bella turned with me. Deep in the dusts forgotten gathers, I felt the diamond in my chest, the reflections of the moon pulling and pushing us together. We couldn't be found. The quiet whispers were the words we were afraid to say loudly. In our levee of stars, I felt sweet slumber, I felt perfection, and I felt insanely responsible. A faint knock at the door pulled us from our secret island. "Mama, it's your birthday!" Maya cheered as she ran and jumped into the bed. Sammy followed, though setting only his top half on the bed, crowding it instantly. "Maya, you need to sleep," Bella scolded her daughter as she hugged and kissed her tightly. "But it's your birthday. You said we start them with Mama and Maya time," she pouted. I smiled and leaned against the headboard. Bella was a goner. "I know, novia," Bella cooed. "Why don't we start in the morning?" "Because in the morning, it'll be different," Maya yawned. "I love you, and that'll never change," Bella whispered as she rocked the already tired child. 141

"I tell you story to sleep for your birthday," Maya wiggled free of Bella reassuring and calming humming chest. Bella looked at me and I shrugged. We both slid down and covered. Maya slid in the middle, telling us she was waking up with us tomorrow and celebrating the birth of an important woman. She was too much like Alice at times. "Edward, you go to sleep and not listen, because it not your birthday," she closed my eyes for me. I locked them shut and smiled. I felt two kisses on my forehead as I pretended to snore softly. "Goodnight, loves," I whispered and turned over. There was sometime confirming, completing in having a family. One that I picked, one that accepted me. I felt the bed dip and adjust as Maya and Bella had their time. That was a present for Bella. One she would never know, maybe never really appreciate, but at the same time, completed her that much more. To be in their family, I had to understand that there were things I had to humble myself to not be allowed to be involved in, and there were things they would need to do for each other that I could never fill in for. "I'm glad we're starting this birthday right," Bella sighed, no doubt hugging Maya to her tightly. "The people in this bed are who I want to spend my next year with." "Sammy too?" Maya asked. Bella hesitated. "Of course," she lied. I smiled to myself. "Close eyes," Maya ordered. "I tell story of how I picked you." "Ok," Bella agreed. I felt the sheets pulled up as we were tucked in together. "When you was born, you were baby. You grow up and sing song. It in your heart. I was star in sky. I was up so high, I could only see you a little, so I not know what you look like. And one day I born. You grown up." A tiny yawn interrupted the narrative. Bella hummed happily. I imagined she was stroking Maya's hair and rubbing her back, soothing her into sleep, as she was known to do. "I remember that," Bella helped. "You were a twinkling, winking, smiling star, right next to the moon. But you were so, so, so high, I couldn't see your face, but I heard your song." "And when the loud noises start, and trees grow orange and not green, then turn black next day, and it day at night, and my ears hurt, the song was there," Maya continued. I felt my throat hurt, that painful, splitting, choking way. "And I heard song. You had pretty eyes, and they big and brown like mine and a happy face. And you have my song. So I picked you. I could have picked whole world or anyone, but I pick you." "And I'm glad you did," Bella assured her. I heard and felt the chip and creak in her voice. "Because I love you to the moon and back." "And I pick Edward, and you pick Edward. And he don't know yet, but he picked us too. But I tell him on his birthday," Maya promised. "I pick him because he has happy heart and funny hair. He make nana pancakes." "Pretty good pick," Bella agreed with a tiny giggle. Both of them yawned as the rain sang them towards sleep. I felt as if my lungs would never empty, as if this stale breath was too much for me to ever get rid of. I was picked. I was suddenly part of their stories. I was scared shitless. "Tomorrow everything's different," Maya repeated. I smiled. I was part of their tomorrow. I was relieved. "I love you, Maya," Bella promised. "Te amo, Mama," Maya responded absently. I turned back towards them, the cuddled, content mass of mother and daughter, both ready to fail a DNA test as proof, yet at the same time, pass every real test life threw at them. "Happy Birthday, Bella," I whispered and stroked her hair from her forehead. "Just one more breath," she smiled faintly in the pale room. 142

Just one more breath, I prayed with her.

143

Chapter 22
And I tried to write in style, but the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them, and I trust that you write them too. "I don't want her to go," I whispered as we stood there, watching Maya tie her shoes on the last step of the stairs, autumn sunlight barreling in from the open front door and drenching her in heaven. "She's my baby." I wanted to take off her shoes and tell her we were going to the zoo instead, because at the zoo, Maya wasn't six, and at the zoo, she still walked like a penguin, and at the zoo she didn't grow up at an alarming rate. "She's going to the first grade, not boot camp," Edward scolded me. I was being a crazy, emotional mother, and he was humoring me because that's what he did. He knew that deep down, no matter how much we joked about this, Maya going to school, growing up, was killing me. It only made me more worried, that I wasn't doing enough. Was she learning and active enough? Did she need more B12? Was she supposed to enjoy breaking apart gingerbread men so much and munching animal crackers violently? His chin fit perfectly on my shoulder, and his arms more than perfectly around my waist as I sighed and leaned against him, coffee cups matching and etching the morning with a caffeinated outline. It grounded me as my mind wandered to crazy mom mode. We stood in the kitchen, leaning against the doorway, together, entwined, content and brooding and bitter at time and the passage of such. The smell of Edward's cologne and coffee made me smile at how familiar it was, about how it had brewed and become reassuring, the same for almost every morning of the past two years. He was on our sheets, my skin, our scents battling, though I only felt his. He swore it was the other way around, that he only felt me, but I knew the truth. Edward took a doleful sip of his coffee from the mangled, twice glued homemade coffee cup with the words "#1 Dad" written awkwardly and almost illegibly on the front. "What's a Father's Day?" Maya asked as I tucked her into her bed and picked up our tattered copy of The Wind in the Willows. The face of my daughter, curious and sleepy stared at me for an answer. I wouldn't lie, because that wasn't us. "It's a special day when we celebrate men who are Daddies. Father is another word for a dad," I explained and sat in my usual spot against her headboard. "Oh, but Seth and me don't have daddies," Maya stated, like a fact, neither sorrowful nor bitter. "Or you, or Edward." "I do have a dad," I smiled slightly at the post kindergarten graduate in my arms. "PopPop Charlie is my father. He raised me, he tucked me in, like I tuck in you. He kissed me goodnight every night he wasn't at work. He helped me with homework. He took me to baseball games and we always had fun." "Oh," Maya crinkled her brow as she processed the realization. I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing the inevitable question that was coming. 'Where's my father?' ran through my head as I searched for an acceptable answer. I was glad Edward wasn't here, and instead away on set in LA. My mind trailed to the night he asked me to marry him and I smiled at the thought. I remembered the wintery night, huddled by the fire, naked and sated and wrapped in a blanket at the cabin by the lake. The fire danced around the windows so we couldn't see the frozen night or white blanket that draped the world in snow. I remembered Edward tracing a silver ring along exposed skin on my hip, on my chest, to my nose as he sat between my legs, blanketing me in him. I remembered his 144

words: "I love you, with all of my heart, and I can't imagine being without you, Bella. Even if we never sign papers, even if we never walk down the aisle, even if we never drive through Vegas and a little white chapel. I just want you to know, that I consider you as more than my wife, more than a contract, more than an oath before friends and family. I see you as part of me, part of who I want to be, who I am. I want each breath to be with you." And I remembered his voice crack at the acknowledgement, at the profession. I remembered the feeling of warm salt and water on my cheeks, the third time I'd cried since being back. I remembered how foreign the twinge in my chest was, the feeling of absolute adoration and love. I remembered his green eyes, dilated and glowing like onyx in firelight. I remembered kissing him gently and the feel of cool silver on heated skin. I remember begging him, begging the world, begging a God I didn't acknowledge anymore for please, just one more breath. I fingered the ring as Maya sat quietly, jacket tucked under her chin as she figured out life. I told her once that Edward was going to be with us forever, and she told me, of course he was. I didn't have to explain the ring to her, or that Edward and I probably never would walk down an aisle or sign a contract, but we were a family. "Are you my daddy then?" Maya asked softly, lifting her chin from my chest and searching my face. She saw the truth before I could say it, every time. I couldn't help but chuckle. "No, honey," I tried not to smile too much. It frustrated her to not understand. "Remember how I'm not your mother, but I'm your Mama?" She just nodded. "Well it's the same way for your father. Your father was a strong man, who loved you and your mother, before you were born, but he went where the Good goes, when it is set free." "Where's my song for him then?" she asked, quite worriedly. "I don't hear it." "Maybe if you listen, really quietly now," I whispered, rubbing my nose on hers to calm her nerves, and mine as well. We both held our breaths and listened to the quiet night, as cicadas hummed in the summer heat through open windows and dancing willow leaves. There was the heartbeat of life outside, as Maya listened for something I knew she'd never hear. I don't know if it was the last part of me that broke at that moment, or if there was hope. "I don't need a song," she decided, no sadness in her voice. "I pick Edward." The slight smile on her face was enough. I had papers drawn up the next day, and let them stay hidden in my dresser drawer until June twenty first. Maya picked a mug from the store, and I let her paint it, helping her with letters and the number. We made French toast that morning, and made Edward stay in bed, quite confused at what we were doing in the kitchen. "Happy Father's Day!" Maya shouted as I placed a tray on the nightstand. She hopped into his arms and hugged him like a monster would. Edward's jaw hung loosely as he hugged her back and stared at me as if I had grown two heads. "Th-th-thank you?" he stuttered and questioned as I kissed his cheek and sat beside him. I saw his Adam's apple bob with swallowed joy. His eyes shone. "I make this," Maya pulled her mug, wrapped in Star Wars wrapping paper. Edward smiled and held it reverentially, not wanting to open it, instead in awe. "For me? Why?" He asked, still unable to grasp what was happening. "Because I pick you," Maya explained, as if to someone incredibly inept. Edward opened the mug and smiled as he fingered each part of it, as if it would shatter at the lie he felt. "It's perfect. I think I'll use it right now," he gave her a huge smile, the one that was kept for us and not red carpets. "And I have something for you," I whispered, now nervous as I moved to my drawer and pulled out an envelope of documents. I hated that my life was ruled by this, by papers and not by reality. "A script?" he gave me a sly smile. "Or please let it be pictures, very special ones." His eyebrows 145

wiggled, making me laugh. I handed them to him and plopped down again, pulling Maya into my lap. She was my buffer, my shield, as weak as that made me. I felt better knowing she loved me, even if Edward got scared and ran away. I watched him scan the papers, as Maya played with my hair happily, oblivious to the decision about to be made. She picked, but he had to pick her back, and this was the only way I knew how to tell him I picked him as well; to give the best part of me, the part that only I had, forever. "These are" he trailed off, eyes searching quickly over every word, though not understanding them. "Yeah," I sighed, shaking my head and taking a huge gasp of air. "No, I mean," he shook his head and looked at me, face torn between crying and laughing. "These are" "Yeah," I repeated. "Are you sure?" he stopped the spread of his smile and stared at me, begging me to let him sign it, begging me for everything I was. "Yeah," I nodded and felt a sliver of a tear, a foreign one, one of happiness. "You pick me?" he asked, voice shaking. "We love you," I assured him, holding the ring up beside my face, then kissing Maya's head. "You do my Daddy things," Maya added. "We don't have a song, but you are Edward." We both chuckled. He stared at the papers. He stared at me. He stared at Maya. "Maya, I would love to be your Dad," he managed to say, as eyes filled with happiness. "A piece of paper doesn't make me such. But I love you, so much, Monster." He hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek before pulling me into their hug. He kissed me as Maya wiggled free from his grip and grabbed the strawberries from the table. We ate breakfast in bed, and Edward drank from his mug, as if that was the binding part of the transaction. "Sammy, stop!" Maya laughed and ordered her best friend to quit licking her hands as she struggled to tie the bunnies to the tree. The giant protector sat next to her on the step and panted away, unaware as to what this day meant. My girl was going to school. Maya was growing up; my little princess was going to school. There might be bullies, there might be a fire drill and she might be scared, there might be kids smarter than her, or kids that are just mean, or tons of other horrible things I'd never want her to see or hear. I felt Edward hug me tighter. "It'll be alright," he assured me with one final hug. I nodded and straightened my back. The teacher couldn't be late for the first day. "Mama, I'm ready for school!" Maya cheered, standing in front of the door, red backpack firmly on her back, hair in braids, clothes clean and overreaching as all first day of class outfits were. Sammy sat beside her, as if he was going. I wanted to cry, but chose to smile at my daughter, grown tall, lean legs and long arms, skin that told she wasn't just mine, but eyes and a smile that begged otherwise. She'd grown up since we'd been here, as I assume happens to all children at some point. The precious moments that are promised seemed to have already passed; time wouldn't let us go. "Ok, we'll take a picture," I decided, pulling the camera from it's place in the drawer. She stayed rooted as Edward joined us and rolled his eyes. It felt motherly, and it felt natural to dote and be embarrassing, and I embraced it. "Dad, are you coming to see me swim or are you going away?" Maya stopped smiling as I put the camera back. Edward leashed the dog and handed us both our lunches with a smile. "Well, everyone else is going to be there, so I guess I better be there too, huh?" he gave her a smile. She hugged him tightly. He would never know how much it meant to her that he was there at her first 146

big race. We walked outside, the weather matching the school calander. It didn't feel like summer, almost as if the world knew today we started a new year of school. Edward and Maya chatted about going to see a new Imax movie about whales, both excited to an almost exaggerated degree, so much so that it made me laugh. Sammy pulled on the leash until Edward told him to stop, and he listened. He never listened to me. "Edward!" I screeched as I walked down the stairs to get coffee. "What's wrong?" I heard him a second later as he came racing down after me, clad only in boxers and a worried face. "What happened? Are you alright?" "I'm going to kill him!" I seethed as I held up my shoes, now missing a heel, and holding an obscene amount of slobber. Edward held in his laughter as my face grew red and my muscles shook with frustration. Sammy sat on his pillow, looking innocent. "This is the second pair this week!" "You're yelling, and it's early," Edward smiled and took the shoe, throwing it back to the dog. "Hey," I protested. "Well it's ruined already, let him enjoy," he giggled. Yes, Edward Cullen giggled. "And come back to bed. I'll buy you a new pair of shoes later." "Four new pairs," I bargained as his arms wrapped around mine. I still stood tense. "And the dog goes to training school or whatever." "Two new pairs, or I'll have no room in the closet," he countered. "And I'll take him myself today." "Nine new pairs," I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest. "And if you don't take him, today, you'll be sharing his bed, and I'll have ours all to myself." "Nine new pairs," he agreed and gulped. "Hey Sue, how are you?" I greeted the smiling mother as we walked Maya towards the opposite end of the school where the lower grades were kept, separate from my high schoolers. "Seth!" Maya exclaimed and gave him a high five. Edward did a secret handshake with them both, and Sammy slobbered on the first graders. "I get to come see your baseball game, Mama said." Maya's hands moved with her mouth. "Awesome," he agreed, shaggy dirty blond hair shaking over russet skin. Seth had grown lanky and taller than most other six year olds, but he was still sweet, just now a mess of knobby knees and elbows. "So he can hear me now?" Maya asked as she stared at Seth's ear and the wires attached. "I don't have to use my hands?" "You still do, a little. He's learning how to hear," Sue explained. Seth just nodded. "It's like a robot," Maya smiled and traced the little hardware on the side of the little boy's head, almost reverentially. "Maya," Seth stuttered, but whispered awkwardly. "Seth," she stared at him and smiled. "I can come see you swim!" Seth answered. "Are you sure you're alright with picking them both up?" Sue asked Edward who wrapped his arm around my waist. "Sue, I've told you almost nine million times," Edward laughed, "I love having Seth over. It's no big deal. Esme has a project she needs you on, it's no biggie." "He just wants someone to play catch with," I rolled my eyes and elbowed him. "Maya hates it, but Seth tolerates playing with Edward." "Hey, no one 'tolerates' me," he used air quotes. "I'm incredibly charming and way more fun than you, thank you very much." I stuck my tongue out at him and he kissed my nose. "I promise I won't be later than seven," Sue swore. We both shook our head. That woman would 147

never understand how much Seth was as part of our crazy little family as she was. "Be good today, alright baby?" she knelt beside her son. He nodded as her hands and lips moved. "Show them how smart you are." She kissed his cheek, which he wiped off quickly. "I have to run, thank you so much, Edward." "Sue, if you tell me thanks one more time, I am going to let Sammy loose on your shoes," Edward warned as she hugged me quickly then hugged and kissed his cheek. "I don't care what those magazines say, you are not the most charming man in America," She teased. "And to think, I almost paid to see your last movie instead of bootlegging it." "So you did bootleg it?" Edward laughed. "Naturally, honey," she smiled and waved over her shoulder. "I didn't know it would be an Oscar worthy performance from the quality." "Sue, if I didn't love you so much, some people would think we were enemies," Edward shook his head. She just stuck her tongue out and climbed into her car. "What's with people sticking their tongues at me today?" he shook his head again. "This is getting ridiculous." Edward's hand clutched mine under the table. I kissed it before placing it palm up and tracing the lines there. Tables chattered as the best of Hollywood talked and waited for little gold statues to be given out to the deserving. I snagged a pen from my purse and started to draw on his hand. "What are you doing?" he asked, as ink met skin. I smiled at him, his dashing looks only magnified by the tuxedo. "Reminding you to growl for Maya if you win. You forgot once, and she'll never let you forget it if you win and don't growl," I explained as I wrote and traced 'GROWL' in big letters on his palm. "One time," he moaned and shook his head. The announcers started to introduce Edward's movie. We didn't pay attention. We played tic tac toe to distract ourselves. When it grew drastically quiet, we laughed, almost too loudly. "And the Oscar for Best Actor in a Leading Role goes to" We paused and Edward gave me a weak smile, then tugged his hair. "Edward Cullen." The crowd erupted as music started. Edward stared at me, awkwardly almost. "That's you!" I managed to remind him and smiled. He kissed my cheek and I hugged him closely. "I love you. I'm so proud of you, baby." "I love you," he grinned and gave me a glimpse of that giant smile. I clapped as hard as I could and refused to cry, but laughed and clapped harder than my heart racing in my chest. I wouldn't let them get the picture of me crying. "Wow," Edward began, tugging his hair again." No one ever tells youhow to do this, to feel like this, like you've just won an Oscar." Everyone laughed. I watched the man I love smile and beam and swallow as if it were a labor. The pride, the love, the overwhelming excitement made me think I had just won. "I'm standing here in lieu of my fellow nominees who are just as deserving of this moment, if not more so. I'm here because of an army of people who worked exceptionally hard on this piece, and over the coarse of a horrid schedule, set my Aro Volturi, who had as much, if not more at risk if this wasn't successful." The crowd clapped for Aro, the charming, eccentric old director who I enjoyed having for dinner. He spoke with a think Italian accent and smiled happily every second. He worked Edward to the bone, but he was respected for just that. "I'm standing here because the woman who I love, who shares her life with me, demonstrates just what love is, every day. Bella, my love, thank you for putting up with me." Everyone laughed again. "I love you, so much." I felt myself start to fight the tears. I smiled, a muscle-tearing smile. "I'm standing here because one morning, my father told me that I could do anything I wanted with 148

my life, and my mother, she told me I was her favorite person in the world. That is enough, isn't it?" Everyone murmured. I felt tears. "My father and mother unfortunately won't get to be here for this moment. But this, this whole thing, me being here, this is because of them, and I owe them everything." Again, everyone clapped. I slammed my hands together so hard they were raw. "And I'm standing here, finally, because of a little girl who told me that she would still love me if I didn't bring home a shiny statue, and I could have one of her trophies instead. I love you, Monster!" Edward's words grew frantic and his voice higher as he ran through his list and stuttered many thank you's. "This is for you all, for everyone who has made me this man, I thank you, a million times." He waved and noticed the blue word written before stepping away. "Crap, I can't believe I almost forgot!" he showed his hand and growled as he always does when tucking in Maya. Everyone clapped, cheered and laughed. "There you go, Maya. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you, everyone, again, from the bottom of my heart." Music started and he was escorted off stage. I finally took a breath. Edward won another Oscar that night, for best Documentary Feature, a movie he made about Seth's hearing loss, and the problem of adoption and single parents. "Wow," he started again. "Just one more breath." I watched as he closed his eyes for a split second. "Hey, crazy lady," Edward nudged me gently as I watched Maya and Seth playing with other kids who would become their classmates. "Come back." "I am," I sighed. "Thought I lost you for a second," he hugged me against his side. I let my cheek rest against his strong chest and the feel of the material of his shirt. It was his favorite, blue and faded to a new degree. I tried to throw it out once, but he refused. I didn't fight him on it. Security is security. "Never," I assured him. "I better get to work. Molding young minds and all that." "Yeah, I better get to work too," he grinned. "I'm working on a new documentary idea, Eroticism and Food. Sound like something you'd be interested in seeing?" "What does it entail?" I played along with how weird he was. This Edward, the one who made silly jokes and innuendos was nothing like the suave one in interviews, or the sympathetic one at charity balls, or the happy one at red carpets, or the brooding one followed by paparazzi, and I loved this one, the real Edward, the one without a guard or protection up. "Well, I was thinking of doing some preliminary research, tonight," he kissed me chastely as his arms hugged me. "Whipped cream, chocolate, sound good?" "Very," I murmured against sweet lips. "But I doubt that is what you're doing all day." "You're right," he sighed. "I'll be locked in the man cave, writing. I might take a break and go work out. Lunch at twelve thirty?" "Only if you get work done," I scolded. I had no idea what he was working on in his 'man cave' of an office, but the steady click of a typewriter, the stroke of keys, and the violent scratching of pencils and pens could be heard at all hours when he was in there. "Naturally," he detached himself. "Maya, we're going to leave now, alright?" She came running over, braided pigtails in the wind. Things changed, and they would every day. "Bye!" she gave us a big smile. I hugged her tightly. "I'll be on the other side of the school, alright? I love you, novia. I'm so proud of my big, smart first grader." She beamed. "I love you too," Edward explained. "I'll be waiting right here at two o'clock, alright?" "Will you bring Sammy again?" she asked, petting the dog. "Sure, if he's not sleeping," Edward joked and kissed her, earning a kiss on his cheek in return. "Love you, Mama," Maya smiled. "Love you, Dad." Edward puffed in pride as we watched her walk back towards the line forming for her class. I waved to her teacher, Jessica. She was young and 149

nice. I explained Maya to her last year, so I knew there wouldn't be many problems. It still worried me though. I felt Edward pull me along with him towards the front of the school. I didn't want to move. "I have to go, I have a conference call with James and Aro," Edward stopped in front of my door. "Have a good first day, don't take any shit, and be nice." "I hate it when you treat me like Maya," I sulked. He gave me a small smile and pushed hair from my forehead as brilliant green eyes looked at each inch of skin. "You two are too similar for your own good," he defended himself. I kissed him gently, and felt him pull away. "Tonight, you and me, private documentary research. Very important. Very scientific." "Get out of here, Edward," I laughed as he strutted away. "I love you but you're trouble." "I learn from the best," he threw me a wink. "Love you, baby. We'll meet you at the pool." Like that, he was gone, and like that, my day started. The first day of my daughter at school, grown up, away from the house. My life was surreal. The day went by quickly. New students I'd get attached to, who would graduate and grow into people before my eyes. I absently thought of Maya between each bell, noting which time she'd have snack, have lunch, be dismissed, and I hated not talking to her right after her day. "Ms. Swan, just who I was looking for," Ms. Cope stopped me as I checked my box and readied myself to leave for Maya's first swim meet with her rec team. "Ms. Cope, how are you?" I played amicable. "Lovely, just lovely," she smiled wider. "But I needed to talk to you about Maya's paperwork." No other words made my heart beat faster in the universe. It was moving at a speed so quick, I thought it was not moving at all. I swallowed dry spit, and my throat gritted like sandpaper, or as if I had swallowed cement. "Yes ma'm?" I asked, following her to her desk, where she pulled out a folder. "Well, it seems as if you have a birth certificate with your signature as the mother, but also an adoption contract that claims she's adopted." I froze and tried to think of a lie. My mind was blank. I saw images of Maya being taken, of the world ending. The office bustled around us with students changing schedules and teachers looking to escape already. Staplers clicked and drawers slammed as my word went quiet. "Ms. Cope, I am going to tell you the god honest truth right now," I started, measuring my words after a few moments of silence. "Maya is not mine. She is adopted. The birth certificate is forged, so we could get her to this country. The adoption papers were used to get her permission to stay here, as the birth certificate is almost useless here in America." Each paper in her hand was a lie to a government. One told the revolution that Maya wasn't one of them. It told them that she came from me, an American. It protected her from guns. The other told the US government that she was an orphan, that I legally signed papers and brought back a daughter. They weren't supposed to be together. Two lies that contradicted each other, and our safety. Ms. Cope closed the folder and handed it to me. "Tomorrow let me know what the truth is," she sighed and turned her back. I swallowed the rocks in my throat and left as quickly as possible. The folder was heavy, so I put it in my bag and tried not to think about it. Two years and now that cat's out of the bag. Plans of plane tickets to France ran through my head as my greatest fear manifested itself. "Mama?" I heard a tired voice coming from my doorway. I saw red numbers blinking three thirty seven. I sat up from the warm bed as Edward shifted beside me but snored on quietly. "What's wrong, novia?" I asked, swallowing sleep and rubbing my eyes. I saw her silhouette against the light of her nightlight across the hall. 150

"I scared," she whispered. I sat up quickly and picked her up. Two words she uttered that I never wanted to hear from her innocent lips. I carried her into her bedroom and hugged her tightly. She buried her face in my hair. I rubbed her back as I sat on her bed. There is only salvation in the feeling of a tiny heart clinging to shoulders. "Maya, what makes you scared?" I hushed. Big brown eyes stared at me. I rubbed my nose along her cute, perfect button one. I let my forehead rest against her own. "You look pretty at night," Maya whispered, fingers deftly combing my knotty mass of hair. "Like before." "Are you afraid of people coming to get you?" I guessed. She shook her head. I felt my chest grow empty. "I afraid that you go away," she sighed. "I'm not going anywhere," I swore. I would say it a million times until she understood. "I promise, Maya. You don't have to be afraid of anything." "I know," she nodded in agreement. "I was just scared, for a second." "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" I asked, kissing her forehead and hugging. "Sometimes I get afraid at night, and I think I'd feel better to sleep with you, like old times." Maya just nodded. I didn't lie to her. Night still left me afraid, and her fears only echoed my own. We climbed into her bed, just as we did almost every night back in the forest. The noises weren't the same, and the bed and blankets were luxury, but the feel of her body, tiny, frail, in need of protection screamed familiarity. I hummed gently. Just because the sounds and bed weren't the same didn't mean our fears didn't follow us. I held Maya and cried as she slept, just as I had back in my cot. I cried at our losses, our fears, but mostly, I cried for Maya. "Bella, you look like you've seen a ghost," Alice gave me a weird face. "What? No, sorry, I've been spacing out a lot today," I gave her a weak smile. "Maya's first day of school just had me worried." "Don't fret, Mama," she scolded me and hugged my frame as she did long ago, tightly as if I would blow away with the wind. "She's still your little girl." I sat beside our family. Emmett held a giant sign with a picture of a whale on it and Maya's name. He cheered happily as my little girl stretched happily and talked with her friends. She had no cares in the world, and I would make sure of it. Rosalie held Emma in her arms, a bouncing, happy, chattering two year old. They both laughed at Emmett's shenanigans, both with unadulterated love in their eyes. Alice and Jasper did the same, and cheered and whistled as Maya approached the block. Carlisle and Esme each had a camera and a video recorder, both dutifully held high. It made it nearly impossible to not want to cry at how happy and loved my daughter had become. Maya adjusted her goggles and waved to us. I saw her arm, covered in a marker drawing of what looked like lightning. Edward stood on the sidelines clapping, marker stuck behind his ears. "I don't want to go," Maya explained. "Maya, you love to swim," I scoffed. "But no one else has this," she pointed at her scar, the pale line of flesh that ran from shoulder to almost elbow. "And it looks so sad." I picked her up and placed her on the counter. Edward left the room decidedly. I traced the scar and begged for her peace. "Maya, this isn't something to be ashamed of," I tried to sound gentle. "This is the mark of a warrior. You are strong because of this. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." "But I hate it," she shook her head and looked away. "Here," Edward waltzed back in. "We'll fix it." 151

"How?" Maya asked, watching him pull out some markers. "Only for your meets, we'll put a special picture on your arm, alright?" I stepped aside as he pulled out a yellow and orange. "How about flames?" "Yes," Maya agreed. I watched as her arm became a mural. I smiled as she did. I watched her jump into the water and swim gracefully, as if it were what she was meant to do with her life. And our whole family cheered as Edward knelt on the side of the pool to watch, as assistant coach. He knew nothing about it except what I taught him, but he enjoyed being with the kids. I watched her turn, I watched each pull and stroke and breath, and again, as with everything she did, everything she overcame, I felt pride and honor. I couldn't think of anything as beautiful. I wouldn't cry, and I wouldn't let them see me cry, when the dam broke down. I had to believe that we would fly, that Maya would still be here in a few weeks, floating in the water like a whale and blowing water through her cheeks. I had to believe that she'd fall asleep on my shoulder, face buried in my hair as she quietly sat and thought about nothing at all while I read ridiculous stories to her. Edward pulled her out of the pool and wrapped the towel around her small frame. She won by lengths. The smile on her face was a breath to remind me I was alive. "What are you doing out here?" Jacob's voice startled me. I jumped from my perch on the fence overlooking the still river and trees, gently dipping leaves and vines into it, with echoes of Eden and cries of freedom leading to glorified cities. "Not thinking," I smiled at him as his large frame gracefully swung over the log and sat beside me. The sirens were but a thought we'd never think of yet, and I was still idealistic and smelled of soap from Seattle. "How's that working for you?" he chuckled, throwing a stick into the glass-like water. "Surprisingly well," I sighed. Memories buried inside of me, ones I'd begun to dig up like treasure in the ground began to burst forth. Out here though, I figured myself out, for that night, in that moment, there was a perfection I'd never reached again. Grey clouds moved against a full moon, blotting out stars and making the sky fuzzy, though not obstructed. "Someone once told me that even as I grew older, I had to keep finding faces in the clouds," Jacob searched the sky, pointing and tracing with one eye closed. "How's that working for you?" I threw his question back at him. "Well," he gave me a full teeth smile, almost like a child. "I don't know what you're looking for in your clouds, Bella, but hopefully, as you dance with mystery, he'll whisper his secrets through the shroud, but I wouldn't put money on it." I listened to the familiar noises for any secret. I could feel the breath as change snuck from his hiding place, and my fears began to fall down to their death. We all had a quick dinner, and I forgot about everything except the peace on that river and Jacob's words and hope and the absence of him. I let my fears die, and I prayed they found rest somewhere else. Maya was asleep by the time we walked into the house. Edward moved to take her upstairs, but I asked him to let me. He assented easily, and began locking and getting ready for the next day. "Mama?" Maya woke as I dressed her in some pj's. "Yes, novia?" I whispered. "I'm happy." I stared at her as I undid her braids and let her lay on the pillow. She found her spot, her jacket, and gave me a lazy, tired grin. "I'm happy too," I promised, kissing her forehead. "Te amo." 152

"I love you," she mumbled as sleep took her to a place without paperwork. I watched her sleep, as I had done almost every night since we'd come back here. I found it hard to believe that she was mine, that she relied on me, or that I could let this disappear. I kissed her once again, after finding a perfection and face in the clouds, as Jacob would put it. "Hey," Edward greeted me as I came back downstairs. "I got lunches ready and bags are near the door. I'll do laundry tomorrow after my meeting with that photographer, alright?" "Ok," I agreed, not listening. He watched me take the founder from my bag. "I made reservations for dinner on Saturday," he continued. "Sue said Maya and Seth could have a sleep over." "I have to make a decision," I stopped the trivialness of our lives. Edward stared at me, both of us standing in the living room, not at war, but both in need of something. For the first time all day, I looked at him, and shuddered at that fact. I hadn't looked at him all day. I saw his hair, shorter now from his most recent role, though still untamed. His eyes were tired, and I forgot how much he did, and I felt worse. His shoulders were wider, forearms bigger, chest bigger, body basically exuding veins as he trained for a new role. He was a cloud and the river and the stars behind it all. "What decision?" he asked gently a minute later. "Will you love me, no matter what?" I asked, completely serious. "No matter what people think, even if you have to listen to them tell the lie? Would you fight to keep Maya here?" "You're scaring me, baby," he gave me a wide-eyed look. "Just answer," I begged. I felt the weight of the day fall on my body. I suddenly felt as if each muscle had been strung out and beaten individually. "Bella, I already told you that I would do anything, and I love you, no matter what," he assured me, as if taming a rabid dog. I set the founder on the table before turning to him and kissing him. He was confused, but kissed me back. I didn't look at him after as I slumped on the couch and faced the two pieces of paper. One would stay, one would be burned. "I can lie, and claim Maya is my own, and I had an affair with Jacob," I started, very mechanically, almost as if my mind had simplified this whole mess the whole time I was enjoying my family, the whole time I was busy living. Edward sat beside me. "Or, I could burn that, and say that I adopted Maya, that could be reviewed, and as I never got permission from the government in Guatemala, she would become a ward of the state, and they could take her if they chose to ignore the paperwork." "Eyes are closed, and hands are tied," Edward whispered. I stared at the two pieces of paper, sitting quietly on the coffee table, screaming; a truth and a lie. I felt Edward's shoulder, touching my own, our chests expanding and deflating with air tinted with chlorine and cookies. Upstairs, Maya's chest moved much like ours, probably in beat. The house was silent, so silent in fact that I heard my choice being made before I registered it. The truth and the lie. The only movement was my hand, gripping one and crumpling it, the paper crunching in a glorious hallelujah and cacophony of peace and resolve. It was a no brainer.

153

Chapter 23
"You have one job!" I screamed as I threw open the door to Carmen's office. "I pay you to keep me out of the press, and I pay you very well to do it!" The tall, tan woman gazed at me calmly, as if it were an everyday occurrence. Of course, for her, as a publicist, it very well might be, but for me, having my family, my wife attacked for a choice, when it was no one else's business, well this was new to me. My protective instinct was in danger of choking me, and I was having trouble swallowing it. I stood in her office, hands planted on the cool, giant glass desk, eyes and nose flaring in a way I'd be ashamed if Maya had seen. I'm sure I looked like a real-life, very scary monster, and she'd already seen enough. Now, she saw the monsters every day, outside of our perfect home, outside of her perfect school, at the park, at the ice cream shop, at the museum. As soon as I tried to calm myself, I was a fire-breathing beast again at the thought of her and Bella. "Edwar-," Maya paused and contorted her face, "Dad, I mean." She gave me a big smile and put her face on my shoulder as I walked Sammy and us towards the pool for Bella's meet with the high schoolers. "Yes, Monster?" Her arms tightened around my throat as the dog pulled my arm. I'm sure we looked comical, but normal. At least, the cameras that were following us would find that. "Why does everyone want our picture? And why is Mama so sad?" her tiny voice sang. I heard the men across the street, asking for pictures, but I focused on her. She never seemed to notice before, and we strived to keep her as normal as possible; swim team, arts and crafts, museums, science fair projects. "Because you know that my job means people follow me around," I explained. "Because you're a movie star?" she asked innocently. Bella tried to keep Maya away from watching TV. We watched Animal Planet and Discovery Channel and went to IMAX movies about turtles, but she didn't know what a 'movie star' was. I convinced Bella to let Maya watch my movies, or the ones that were acceptable, because I was afraid she'd forget my face. "Who told you that?" I asked as we looked both ways at a cross walk. "At school, Maggie said that her Mommy said that you were not my daddy, and I told her that you were mostly my daddy. Then she said you were in movies, and everyone loved you, and your trophies mean that you make lots and lots of money, and it is more than Mama will ever make, and that's why Mama loves you," she spilled. I stopped moving at her words. "Do you think that's true?" I asked. "No one ever talks about money," she explained. "But Mama says she loves you like she loves me, because you're you, and it comes like breathing." "Maya, just because I make movies, and people want my pictures, doesn't mean I don't love you, alright?" She just nodded in response. "And people will take our pictures, but I'll always protect us, and no matter what anyone says, we'll tell you the truth." "I know, Dad," she sighed. "Edward, I need you to calm down," Carmen started. I watched her manicured fingers fold over the stack of papers on her desk. I looked away as I dug in my back pocket and threw a few magazines on the desk. I hated seeing the headlines, of Bella's picture with headlines calling her a homewrecker, insinuating she was a whore for something she never did. "How the fuck and I supposed to calm down when my family is being paraded around like a side show? When my daughter is at risk of seeing this?" I bellowed, jaw clenching. 154

"This was Bella's choice," Carmen explained calmly. I looked past her to the smoggy, steaming Los Angeles day. There were skyscrapers and people who spent too much on coffee lingering floors below. I let out a breath and took one in greedily. My hand rooted itself in my hair and tugged momentarily before turning back to Carmen, away from the window. "But it's your job to keep this away from the press," I explained, the tension in my shoulders betraying me. "You think I can keep a skeleton like that, the scandalous 'wife' of an Oscar winning actor and director?" she threw up air quotes angrily. "You guys are already a problem to begin with, and now you throw on top of it the fact that she has a daughter with a married, dead man! I'm not a miracle worker." My phone started to ring; a song that told me it was Maya or Bella. I ignored it and continued to stare at Carmen. She was beautiful, in the most exotic kind of way. I remembered sleeping with her on the cold, glass desk, a long time ago. A long, long time ago, in a different person's eyes and mind. Bella told me I would have been an idiot not to sleep with her. There was no fight. "We all sleep with people we shouldn't," I glared at her, "Bella made a mistake, but that is all it is. Release that in a statement. That she would never see Maya as a mistake, but the actions that led to her are inexcusable, and we'd appreciate the respect of leaving it as a private family issue." "You don't think I've-" she started, eyes twitching in understanding of what I was addressing, flinching at the low blow I willingly used. "I think I pay you enough to do better than you are right now," I cut her off. My phone started to ring again, so I walked out of the office. "Hello?" I asked, turning the anger off. We'd been leaked somehow, that Bella had allegedly had an affair with Jacob Black, married to Leah Black, both do-gooders and recent victims of an unfortunate bombing in an orphanage. The odds stacked against Bella to look remotely good coming out of it. Her spring semester was filled with anxiety, filled with cameras and guilt. But never once did she want to change her mind. "Good morning, Mr. Cullen," Bella's voice made me smile, despite the episode I'd just hashed. "I don't want to get up," I whispered and shoved my head deeper into the pillows. Bella's smell tinged my nose and I smiled into the mumbles. Sunday mornings were supposed to be like this, warm, peaceful, oozing contentment. "If you don't get up now, we'll have a little girl jumping on the bed soon enough," Bella's voice wormed its way through the pillow to my ear. I felt her body against my back. It did nothing to make me want to leave the cocoon of our happiness. Fingernails traced along my shoulders and her chest pressed against my back, lips planted at the base of my neck. "I don't want to move," I moaned into the crook of my elbow and the pillow. "Please?" she whispered. I felt her hair tickling my side and I turned over until she was pressed against my chest. I kept my eyes locked shut as her hands explored my bare chest. I let her kiss my collarbone. We both hummed in Sunday morning naivety. Hands wandered lower and lower as lips moved together. As if on cue, I heard a tiny knock at the door. "Damn," I groaned and finally opened my eyes to the golden pale morning of our bedroom. "To be continued," Bella giggled before kissing my cheek. I watched her sit up and took her in; she pulled her hair up into a ponytail, and the lines of her shoulders and muscles shadowed and rolled. I wanted to kiss each inch. "Come in, Novia," she finally said a minute later. Instantly, Maya hopped into our bed and crawled between us. "Can we go see Grandpa now?" The little girl giggled. I tickled her until she wormed her way under the comforter. "Stop Daddy! I'm laughing too much!" 155

"I want my good morning kiss!" I taunted and kept tickling. With a growl I threw off the blanket and she growled back, the little girl with a long black braid and Dodger pj's, who changed my life and now I belonged to in such a way it seemed to defy genetics. "Daddy! I give it! Stop!" she begged with her laughter until I finally let up. I'd never get enough of hearing her voice, her laughter. "What can I do for you this morning, gorgeous?" I breathed as I climbed into my car to drive away from the mess of LA. "There's a shiny black limo sitting outside of the house, and I'm assuming it has something to do with you," she trailed off for a second. "Or George Clooney has finally come around to my advances." "I already told Clooney to stay away from you," I taunted back. "And the limo is for you." "Why is there a limo here for me?" she started. "Can you just trust me and get in the limo? All will be explained soon enough," I tried to sound mysterious in rush hour traffic. I heard a scuffle, some angry shouting and booming laughter. I imagined the ass-kicking Bella was planning as Emmett pilfered her phone. "She bit me!" Emmett's voice echoed through my ear. "Bella bit me!" "Emmett, did she get in the limo? Did Esme, Rosalie, or Alice put up a fight?" "They didn't at all, but it was damn near impossible to get Rosie into that car. She's built like a house now, you know?" he laughed and I joined in with him. "The kids going to come out a linebacker." "You would love that," I joked with him. "Now I'm on my way to the airport. I'll be in Forks in time to set up. Maya is at Seth's and knows that you're going to pick her up and take her to the lake." "10-4 rubber ducky," Emmett answered. I hung up and climbed into the waiting car on the busy street. The commotion made me miss the quiet of Seattle, or even the quiet of my life. I felt resolved. "What are you going to do?" Bella whispered, her hand against my chest in that way she always did. It felt like repetition; something she'd always do. I played with her hair and stared at the ceiling. "I'm giving it all to George," I smiled. "Everything my parents are, everything I want to remember, isn't in that house. I had a shitty life as a teen, but it is what it is." "Tell me about your mother?" Bella asked. Her eyes were trained on me, and that made me warm. "She had the coldest hands when I was sick," I recalled soft hands against fevered flesh. "Sometimes that's all I can remember." "That's enough, sometimes," her quiet voice mumbled as her head burrowed against my chest. "Hello?" I rushed to answer before it went to voicemail. "Daddy!" the voice of a future second-grader squealed through the phone. I'd never get over hearing that. "What's up Monster?" I smiled to myself. "Tia Rose is having the baby! Tio Emmett is driving like crazy and when Mama says we're late for school." "What? Where are you?" I begged before grabbing my bag and walking towards the waiting car. "Tio Em says we're going to the hospital." "Which one?" I heard them whispering before she answered. "St. Michaels. Daddy are you going to come see the baby?" Maya giggled excitedly. "I'm on my way. I guess we have to cancel our special Mother's Day celebration, huh?" I chuckled at the better present Rosalie was getting for this special day. Instead of a nice dinner and relaxing day at the spa we all planned, we were all going to welcome a new baby to the family. "Can I still give Mama my present?" Maya asked quickly. I could tell she was excited. Her voice always started to run away from her when she felt excited. It was a little like Alice to be honest. 156

"Of course, I'll see you at the hospital," I assured her, whispering for the driver to go to the new address. "Tell Emmett to be careful," I added. The line was dead. I smiled thinking of Emmett holding the little baby that was coming. "Mama, am I a liar?" Maya asked as we let her crawl into her bed. I looked at Bella and back to Maya. This was one of their things, something I wouldn't understand. Bella sat beside her on the bed and pushed some hair from her forehead. "Why would you think that?" the mother asked. "Because Maggie said that Edward wasn't my dad, and I told her he was. And she said that he wasn't my real dad. And I told her he was the realest. And she said you did something bad, and my dad was dead. And" she paused, frown cemented, forehead creased, eyes searching my face, then Bella's. "And what?" I asked, sitting behind Bella. We were splashed across magazines, Bella as a homewrecker, the college graduate that seduced and do-good orphan director from his do-good nurse wife, both murdered in a war they had nothing to do with; Maya, the by-product of their affair. This was spilled all over the place a little over a month after Bella submitted the papers. A leak at the office, and Maya became endangered. "And that I was a liar, and you lied, you both lied," she sighed. "Maya, I can't ask you to lie, and I can't lie to you," Bella started softly. "But I will ask you to," I offered. Both heads turned to me, almost remembering I was there for a second. "Maya, we have to lie, or else you might be taken away from us." "Edward," Bella hissed and gave me a stern look. I hated it, but I kept going. "This is the truth. In order for me to keep being your daddy, and for Mama to stay with you, we have to tell a lie," I explained. "It's bad to lie, but now we have to do it. Alright Maya?" "Stop," Bella begged. The look she gave me was horrible. She wanted to raise Maya right, they were a package, they were a team, and if I had to be, I'd be the bad guy, I'd ask Maya to lie. "You know the truth, but when other people ask or say something, you ignore them, tell them it's not their business. Can you promise?" I asked, holding up a pinky for her to swear on. "Yes," she smiled at me, weakly. "I like being Maya Rebecca Swan-Cullen." I laughed and kissed her forehead. "Lies are wrong, do you understand that?" I asked. "Yes, I would never tell a lie," she nodded earnestly. "I love you, Daddy." Those words made everything alright. "I love you more, Monster," I kissed her again. Bella didn't look at me as I got up, and I knew I was in trouble. "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite." "Night," Maya gave me a half smile, picking up on Bella's mood. I couldn't figure what I'd done as exceptionally wrong, but something was off. I walked out of Maya's room and stood outside the door, letting out a huge breath. I'd asked my daughter to lie, I'd made her life complicated, and I was the reason for her being at risk. My head bounced against the wall. "Why sad?" Maya whispered. I peaked around the corner and saw Bella in bed with her, holding her as she always did when she was scared, when they both were terrified. "I'm not sad," Bella murmured and smoothed Maya's hair. "I just don't want you to be sad, or to think you're a liar." "I know," Maya responded. They were quiet, both with eyes closed, serenely sitting into each other. "Do you see these hands?" Bella asked, holding Maya's in her own. "These are big hands." Maya studied the little fingers with a disbelieving glance. "Not as big as yours or Dad's," she shook her head. Bella chuckled gently. "These are big hands," she reiterated. "Big enough to hold my heart and my world. No matter what happens, remember that you hold them." 157

I turned away and walked to the bedroom. I couldn't interrupt their moment, and I would never be to Maya what Bella was, and something about that fact scared me, made me angry, wounded me. I collapsed on the bed, arms spread, feet on the floor. My mind paraded with facts. "You overstepped," Bella's voice was soft, but authoritative. "You don't ask her to lie, you just, you don't do that." I didn't get up. I knew she was pacing, arms wrapped around her stomach. "You sure as hell don't scare her by telling her they'll take her away." "Would you ask her to lie?" I breathed. "No!" Bella shouted, and alarmed herself at the outburst. "Someone had to," I whispered. "You're not-" she started. "I'm not what? Her parent? Say it, please, just say it," I sat up finally, seething too much to remain lying down. "I won't love her as much as you do? I won't sacrifice for her? I'm not her flesh and blood? Neither are you, but you love her. I love that little girl, Bella. And I hate myself for asking her to lie. Do you know how much I want to leave you both? To make your life easier? Do you know how much I hate myself for being too weak to do that? Too selfish?" I clenched my jaw, almost accidently. "Youwant toleave?" Bella chocked, hand moving to her chest, where I knew it pushed to keep her sternum from collapsing. "No," I shook my head and stood to wrap my arms around her. "I want to protect you both. If you weren't with me, things would be better for you both." There was a slap then. Hand on cheek. And it hurt like hell. "You either walk away right now Edward, or you take us forever. We take you. You don't get to want to leave. You want to be a parent to that little girl then that means no leaving, no thinking about leaving, no matter how hard it is," she yelled. I went to hug her but she pulled away. I watched her walk to the bed where she pulled a pillow off and handed it to me. "I can't be around you right now." By the time I arrived at the hospital, everyone else was already there; Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Bella were their own crowd. I watched Bella sitting in one of the inevitably uncomfortable chairs that lined the waiting room outside of the delivery room. She stared at the ground and bit her lip before checking her watch, standing and pacing. All of these were movements I'd seen her perfect at times when she never knew I was watching. At night, when she thought I was sleeping, I'd hear her creep to Maya's room. Sometimes she wouldn't come back, and I'd find her sleeping with Maya. Sometimes feet would walk up and down the hall until her brain tired itself out enough to come back to bed. And I would kiss her when she slid back into my arms. "And this is my trailer," I motioned around the middle of the tin can I stayed in between scenes as I finished the tour of the lot and my LA life for Bella. "What happens in here?" she smiled at me seductively. "Crazed fans that try to steal your dirty boxers?" I watched her take in everything, the tiny kitchen, tiny living room, tiny bathroom, all from her spot against the cabinet. Her eyes were dreamy, not really seeing things as they were, a trait I loved to watch in action. I took a step towards her. With no words I planted my hands on each side of her hips on the counter and pressed my body against her. She was looking at me, but I was tracing the grid of her face. I felt like I'd entered her cloud. "Lots of skyping and phone calls happen in here," I whispered. My nose shifted until it ran along her jaw, my lips against her neck, dragging, dredging. Bella tilted her head backwards, giving me more area. The skin felt soft against lip, yet I doubt my lips were capable to determine such a fact. "Nothing fun?" she chuckled breathily. I cupped her cheek and kissed her as her body squeezed until it was pushed to sit on the counter. 158

Her legs wrapped around my waist. "Something fun is about to happen," I promised. "Mama!" Maya's voice pulled me from indecent dreams of Bella's lips. I watched from my post against the wall as Bella hugged her daughter and they both shared a chair. "Dad!" A second later Maya hopped out of Bella's lap and sprinted towards me. The world felt good with her in my arms, so I picked her up and held her closer. I'd been away finishing my last movie for the past two months, but nothing could make me want to pull away from this little girl; once a ghost, now perfection. "Hiya Monster," I whispered and kissed her cheek and forehead as tiny hands wrapped around my neck. Bella was right behind her, waiting in line to affirm how much we missed each other. May 6, 2010 1:45:02 AM I'm eager to feel your touch May 6, 2010 1:45:26 AM I'm eager to bite May 6, 2010 1:47:18AM I'm very eager to feel your teeth. And quite eager to feel your body close to mine. May 6, 2010 1:48:05AM I'm eager for noses nuzzling necks. May 6, 2010 1:50:50AM I'm eager to kiss you all over. May 6, 2010 1:52:14AM I'm eager for hands and touches. And kisses all over May 6, 2010 1:55:44AM I'm eager to feel your skin, and to have your scent cover me. May 6, 2010 1:56:30AM I'm eager to trace words into your flesh with fingers or tongue. May 6, 2010 2:02:37AM I'm eager to nibble your earlobes in candlelight as your hands and fingers are interlocked with mine while we lie in bed, and your legs wrap around my waist. May 6, 2010 2:05:10AM I'm eager to hold your hands at your side while I get to taste collarbones and lips selfishly with knees locked around waists. May 6, 2010 2:10:28AM I'm eager to feel your entire body with my finger tips and wanting lips as I move from your lips to your hips, and then to your thighs. May 6, 2010 2:12:46AM I'm eager to trace throbbing veins with gentle kisses. A line like a constellation. Jugular, aorta, diaphragm, belly button, femoral May 6, 2010 2:18:38AM I'm eager to find places with my lips that make your heart pound, your body quiver, and turns your breaths into short and deep gasps. May 6, 2010 2:22:36AM I'm eager to taste beads of sweat from the soft spot below your ear, while your warm breath is on my shoulder, and we are pressed closely. May 6, 2010 2:34:14AM I'm eager to writhe underneath your body as you are on top of me, and my arms wrap around you to press and hold you even closer. "I missed you," I whispered when I set Maya down and Bella bashfully walked towards me. Together over three years, living together, raising Maya together, and she was still ashamed to show how much she loved me. "I missed you so much," she sighed, and it was as if she expelled an entire continent from her chest. She didn't move to touch me, just stood within kissing distance, the electrons of our body battling amongst themselves. I cupped her neck in my hands, and for some reason it felt as if in trumpeting veins and tingling skin, I came home. "Happy Mother's Day," I sighed as I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers. I felt her hands on my chest, that movement that for some reason defined me, made me tangible. "We can't keep doing this," Bella shook her head slightly, and when I opened my eyes, they were staring right back into hers. I smiled because I couldn't help myself. "I know," I promised. And I kissed her. I kissed her in a way that should be shouted in italics with lots of exclamation points, one that gets its own paragraph in the story of our life, because in that kiss I told her I couldn't be away from her, and wherever she was, was where I was going to be. 159

Most of our relationship was like that though. Inappropriately laced kisses with larger than life promises attached to taste and vows tinted with each other. After a kiss like that, words are in a smaller font, spaced farther apart as breath regains a normal breathing pattern, and lungs learn not to burn. It made me smile. It made me notice my heart. "Thank you for trying to send us all to the spa for Mother's Day," Bella grinned happily as my arm went around her shoulder and maneuvered us towards the waiting family unit we never were related to, but adopted us nonetheless. "Yes, we had a lovely time," Esme hugged me and held my face in her palms before kissing my forehead. She reminded me of my own mother, making the moment that much sweeter as she had pride leaking from her eyes. "I'm not even a mom, but I appreciated it, Edward," Alice hugged me tightly. "I couldn't imagine a better Aunt for Maya though," I explained. We all sat down and started catching up while Emmett ran to do get dressed in a sterile gown to see Rosalie. "I'm finished," I smiled and put the pencil down on the paper-littered desk. "I can't believe I'm finished." "What's that, Edward?" Bella appeared in the doorway of my office, a towel on her shoulder while a naked Maya ran up and down the hall with Sammy, avoiding her bath. "I wrote a movie," I smiled at her, still dreamy at the concept of actually finishing this task. "I trained an Olympian," Bella retorted. "But I still have to give this kid a bath, and the dishes need washed." "You train one Olympian and I never hear the end of it," I clicked the light off in my office and followed to the hallway. She just gave me an exaggerated smile. "I'm very proud of you though, about your accomplishment of your secret mission," Bella chuckled as she caught Maya as she tried to run by. "Maybe you'll be home more next year?" "Actually, yes," I promised. "You know I'm looking to retire from full time movie stardom." "I'm no expert, but I'm not sure that's something you retire completely from," Bella laughed. "Well I'm simply too busy with my other job," I called the dog and walked towards the kitchen. "I can't do anything else except be in love with you." "Meet Emily," Emmett smiled as he presented the tiny pink bundle in his arms. Rosalie smiled a lazy, tired smile from the bed in her dim hospital room. The sterility made me sick, but I smiled through it. "Hi, baby Emily," Maya whispered as she sat on the edge of the bed. Her eyes were big, taking in the tiny baby. "Can she come home and play with us now, Tia Rose?" "Soon," the new mother promised. "She's pretty tired from being born." As if on cue, the dimpled, blonde-haired baby yawned a God awful, humongous yawn before placing her fist back against her neck. "On the day you were born," Maya whispered so softly to the baby's ears, I'm sure it didn't register. "I was there, and we all loved you since you were in Tia Rose's tummy." "Happy Mother's day," I kissed Rosalie's forehead before shaking Emmett's hand. Bella hugged her best friend and kissed her cheeks, both with watery smiles and clutching motions. Maya was afraid to touch Rosalie since we told her she was sore after delivering the baby, but Rose convinced her to give her a Mother's Day kiss. "Did you see me?" Maya shouted as she toweled off after her race. "I did," I assured her. "You did so good, meija." "I swam so fast!" Maya was grinning from ear to ear. "Do you think I can swim faster than Ben?" "I think you might," I answered after thinking it over for a second. 160

"One day I'm going to win more medals than him in the 'Lympics," she stated as if she were reading from a book. Dreams are a beautiful thing. "I want one," I finally stated as we piled in Bella's car to leave from the hospital. "A pizza?" Bella cocked her head awkwardly while I helped Maya buckle in the back. "No, you know exactly what I'm talking about," I gave her a look. "And you know my stance on that," she returned with a glare through the rearview mirror before I sighed and climbed in the front. "Are we getting pizza? I'm hungry," Maya added to the adult conversation she didn't understand. "Sure," Bella nodded. "This conversation isn't over, and you know it," I looked at Bella. I'd been trying to figure out her aversion to her own baby, but she had her walls up, and after years of practice, the things Bella wanted to stay hidden, stayed. "Pepperoni?" "Would you consider it?" I asked, tracing Bella's naked stomach as she lay on our bed, hair stirred violently around her and the sheen of sweat on her shoulders and chest. I loved how she looked after we'd been together. With her scent stained on my skin, and the peace on her face as if she'd just given her confession. "Consider what?" she mumbled as the lungs hidden in her chest worked to steady. Her eyes were shut and a faint smile pulled her lips. "A baby," I whispered as I kissed her belly button. "I'm not sure," she gulped and tensed. "I'm just not sure." "I want one, with you, one day," I finally confessed. "I'm not sure," she repeated. "Why?" "I'm not sure," she sighed before rolling over away from me. "Can we give you our present now?" Maya looked back and forth between Bella and I as we sat for our first dinner together. "What present?" Bella smiled and picked up the plates from the table before disappearing to the kitchen. "Here," I pulled the card from my bag and slid it to Maya with a wink. She gave me a missing-tooth smile and tried to wink back, but still not as well as she'd hoped. "Your present for being my mom," Maya continued to smile as Bella came back in, hair pulled up revealing delicate and pale neck. "You are my present, novia," Bella promised. "But I helped make this," Maya pouted, that pout I'd taught her so long ago, before we were a family, before this house, before talks of babies and marriages and careers and so many other things. "Alright, let me have this amazing present then," Bella smiled to both of us. I was just as eager as Maya. Bella tore open the envelope gently before pulling out the card that rested inside, one Maya worked on for a good hour. There was silence then. In our crme colored dining room, with the table that was once the door to some monastery my mother visited in her college days, with pictures of us littering the walls, with Maya's artwork hanging in one corner she used as her art studio, with the remnants of a large half cheese, half pepperoni cooling in the middle between our triangle of a makeshift family, the only thing I recognized was the silence. "This is," Bella whispered before trailing off and fingering the plane tickets. "I thought of it," Maya stated before crawling in Bella's lap. 161

"I was going to get you a candle," I confessed with a sheepish smile. "We can't," Bella put the tickets on the table and stared at Maya. "I don't think you want to go back." "I want to go on a trip to where you said we started," Maya answered, doe eyes pleading with Bella. Bella looked at me, fear in her eyes, something I wasn't used to seeing there. I'd seen pain, bitterness, guilt, love, respect, honesty, but never one instant of fear. "We can go somewhere else, if you want," I offered. "We could wait, and go see Ben compete in Rio." "No," Maya stated firmly. "No," Bella promised. "Time to burn the past."

162

Chapter 24
"We can go home," Edward repeated. I shook my head and turned to look back out the familiar window of a familiar Jeep at the familiar blur of familiar plants with a familiar weight in my lap and familiar fingers lacing my hair as we jangled and jambled familiarly towards Rio del Dolce; yet it was all anything but familiar. Jacob Black didn't drive this Jeep, and he wouldn't be waiting with a huge hug at the end of the dirt driveway. The trees outside weren't ones I'd seen, not lush and a wall of themselves, but new, young, vibrant, baby green instead of the older tint of the forest that comes with age, most likely due to the fires that burned miles and miles of the land. The little girl in my lap wasn't familiar. The tiny, weak, barely breathing toddler was replaced with a vibrant, beautiful, intelligent, insightful, compassionate, strong first-grade graduate, missing exactly two teeth, with two more wiggling and waiting to be put under her pillow. Instead of matted hair and much too big clothes, passed down from kid to kid, Maya was dressed normally, like any other kid in Seattle would be at this given moment. Her hair in its signature braid, her eyes were the only familiar things I recognized from Guatemala. I recognized them every day, every morning, every time she let the moment of pain, or moment of introspection sneak through; I saw our home, her home. The man beside me sure as hell wasn't familiar. Edward didn't carry a gun or an itchy trigger finger. He didn't snarl or look malicious. Instead of a distant, unrecognizable, faceless drone, there sat kind, sweet green eyes that put the immature jungle to shame; there was a soft smile and a warm hand against my bare shoulder, and with the humidity, it made me feel good. "You at least owe me an explanation, Bella," Edward's agitated voice hung in the steamy bathroom, fogging the mirror. I sighed and finished putting lotion on my arms and shoulders. The cool, new air from the bedroom made the hair on my body prickle, so I tightened the towel slightly. "I don't feel like talking about this," I shook my head, avoiding the man in my bed. He would be stretched out, feet crossed, hands behind his head with chest proudly on display and hair stretched to its limits with my aversion to the topic of reproduction. And I would see him, and it would break my reserve. "I do," he insisted. "I tell you that I want to have a child with you," he stopped and stuttered a moment as I dropped the towel and pulled on a pair of his old sweat pants and wife beater. "And, and, and, and you shoot it down, with no explanation." "Is it going to come down to an ultimatum? 'Have a baby with me, or I'm out of here'?" I turned to him with defeat in my eyes. "Bella, I would never, ever say that," Edward affirmed quickly, sitting up from his relaxed position. "I just want to know what's going through that head of yours." I turned off the light in the bathroom before crawling in bed beside him. "I have Maya, we have Maya," I whispered as arms wrapped around me. "I'm not sure I can love anyone else as much as I love her. What if's run rampant because this is complicated." "What if Maya feels neglected because she isn't yours like the baby would be?" Edward offered. "What if she resents the baby instead of loving it, and no matter what, she won't believe that I love her as if she did come from me?" I begged. "What if the baby is jealous of Maya?" he whispered. "What if I can't do it?" I sighed. "What if you break?" he mumbled. "What if I break?" I asked. 163

The orphanage sat across the street from where it was originally built, two hundred years ago. The only remnant from the original was a battered half of a wall and doorframe, and a mangled cross and sign over the wall that surrounded it. It was a cemetery now. It worked out perfectly, ironically. The wall that we once used to shield death, to keep guns away, now housed all those tiny hands forever. "This is" I trailed off, unable to speak, to comprehend. Edward stood beside me, foreign in my foreign. "I pictured it differently," he spoke suddenly, and I remembered that he understood. "It is different," I offered. The gravel under our feet crunched as we shifted from foot to foot, yet never stepping forward. The past to our left, the present to our right, straight ahead field then river. "Hola?" a strong voice startled us. I gripped Maya's hand tightly, and I was afraid I'd break it before the trip was over. "This feels awfully familiar," Edward chuckled as his head dozed against the headrest of the airplane before turning lazily to Maya and I. I saw the crooked grin start at one corner of his mouth, and it only made me smile along with him. "Almost too much," I shook my head and held Maya's hand as she gazed out the window. "You know what I thought when I saw you, right here, oh so long ago?" Edward grinned mischievously. "Why do those girls smell so bad?" I offered. "That is the most beautiful, gorgeous woman with the hottest legs I've ever seen. Then I wondered what made her so painfully sad. And then, I tried to chastise myself for thinking those thoughts about a mother." "Is that why it took you a little longer than normal to get that book out of your bag under your seat; you were staring at my legs?" I laughed and blushed. "What? Me, oogling you? Never," Edward pfft'd me, but winked. "What can I say, I was still in my bad boy phase." "I thought you were beautiful, and how every opinion in my life, every urge, every desire was given away now," I kissed the top of Maya's head as she napped against my shoulder. "For her." "I thought you were a bad mother, with her shivering and looking the way she was," Edward confessed, and the mood changed. "I knew I was a bad mother," I let out a breath. "I was so overwhelmed, so confused, so battered. It was a horrible flight." "In reality, nothing could be farther from the truth," he squeezed my hand. "I mean, no one gives up flirting with Edward Cullen, unless they are an amazing mother." I couldn't help but slap his arm before resting my head against his shoulder. "I told myself I'd never give myself to anyone but her, and then you," I trailed off with a slight smile. "And then you," he whispered and kissed the top of my head. "Hola. Soy Bella Swan," I explained. "Hablamos en el telefono." "I'm Sam," the older man smiled and shook my hand eagerly. "It's so nice to meet you." His accent was strong, but so was his jaw, and so were his shoulders, and so were his hands. His hazel eyes penetrated me, just like Jacob. "It's nice to meet you," I smiled, and reminded myself that this was new, and this was good. "I can't believe it's you. Jacob spoke so highly of you in his letters. Even Leah admired you, which as you know, is a true measure of character," he laughed, a big, belly giggling, shoulder hunching laugh. I joined because I remembered how quiet, reserved Leah was. "They were the best of us all," I nodded as I tried to stop laughing. It could have been manic, or hysterics. "We celebrate them everyday," Sam smiled as his breathing became regular. "How is your pain?" 164

"It's really not that bad," I managed to spill through gritting teeth. "Really?" Leah asked, disbelieving. "How about this?" She placed on finger on my swollen ankle and pressed gently. I couldn't control the yell that erupted. "Ok, so it's bad," I assented. She just smiled and tucked some hair behind her ear while surveying the damage I'd inflicted upon myself. My ankle was purple and blue and magenta and all kind of awkward colors an ankle shouldn't be. I'd warned the kids that I was uncoordinated, but soccer must be played. "Maybe we should let you keep score next time," Leah offered as she gave me a bag of ice and started unwrapping some gauze. "I doubt you can hurt yourself sitting." "You'd be surprised," I winced as she applied some pressure checking to see if it were broken. She hummed in agreement before furrowing her brow and continuing. Her sleek black hair and faint freckles seemed to compliment her in a way that was domineering; a feat truly Leah. She moved it and I yelped much to my shame. "Let it out," she stared straight at me. "The worst feeling in the world is when you feel like you've swallowed a crescendo." So I screamed. "Um, this is Edward Cullen, and Maya," I completed the introductions, and they all smiled eagerly, so I wouldn't have to answer. "Come in, come in quickly. There are many who can't wait to meet you," Sam smiled greatly and grabbed most of our bags himself before motioning for us to enter this new building. The new building was eerily similar to the one I knew. Kids ran from room to room, pictures hung on every inch of wall, and the familiar smell that can only be described as warmth radiated from each room. I missed those who wouldn't be running. "Bella?" A tiny voice whispered. It was a voice that screamed from my past, and many years ago. I saw a little boy with a face that was familiar. I knelt beside him and searched his face. "Marcus?" I breathed. "Marcus? Is that you?" I was rewarded with a giant smile, and an even bigger hug from the boy that was once my student. "You've gotten so big!" "I'm a man now," he assured me. I guess he was, since he was somewhere near ten. "I take care of Maria by myself." "She's here too?" I remembered the two; she was only a little girl when I saw her last, which was a few months before I was forced to leave. They stopped coming one day, most likely because it was too dangerous. If they were here now, it was because they truly were orphans. He nodded and a second later a shy little girl appeared. "Bella?" she asked, mirroring her own brother. I hugged her tighter than I should have. "Where did you go?" "You look absolutely beautiful," Alice gushed over my shoulder as I twirled in front of the mirror. I gave her a weak smile. "You don't look so bad yourself," I returned to the blushing bride. If I were ever to be a bride, I'd never be as beautiful as my best friend. "I don't think there will ever be a more perfect bride." "I'm so glad you're here, Bella," Alice hugged me, our dresses squishing against the force. She smelled like love. "I would have never got married if my maid of honor wasn't here." I thought about the wedding I saw in the village, where there was dancing and dresses passed down for a hundred years, and dead animals over fires. There was beauty in the strung up lights that barely worked, the glasses of soda, and cookies that were rare. "Hey, where did you go?" Alice whispered as music started to play and she wiped her eyes and gave me a watery smile. 165

"Away, but I'm back," I promised. I caught Edward's eye as he watched Maya sprinkle flowers down the aisle. "I'm back." "As you can see, a lot has changed," Sam explained. We followed his slight frame. "I have a dog named Sammy," Maya offered the quiet. "He slobbers on Mom's shoes." "A lot has changed," I smiled at Maya as we sat in the small kitchen, away from the giggles and growing children that were ghosts to me. "We appreciate the donation, to help with getting off the ground. When I got the letter from Jacob, about how horrible things were going, I knew it wasn't going to be easy," Sam explained as he poured us all glasses of water. "Donation?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow at Edward. He blushed and coughed gently. "A very generous donation," Sam assured me. I held Edward's hand under the table, as if we were in middle school. "It built this, it bought the surrounding land, and helped put what's left of the village back together. We're doing ok." "I'm glad to see everything reborn," I genuinely stated. "Would it be alright if we explored for a little while? We're only here for the night." "You're only staying for the night?" Sam seemed shocked. "I think it's all I can handle this time," I whispered as I ducked my head. Already I felt overwhelmed. "We are bound for Rio, to see a friend compete." "No, of course," Sam nodded as one of the new teachers came in to get him for some situation with the kids. "Enjoy. I'm sure it's been a long time since you were able to walk around freely." "You are going to be a buffet for mosquitoes," Jacob laughed as he climbed onto the low part of the wall and sat beside me, his giant frame eclipsing me as we listened to the roar of the world. "I doubt my blood is delicious enough to come back," I chuckled. Gunfire lit up the far forest, and made tiny lightning storms against the night like a strobe light. "You sit out here, looking for something," Jake mused. "Have you found anything yet?" "Maybe," I sighed, "But probably not." Maya's tiny hand clutched my shirt while she slept, the noises and open night air providing some solace for her. "You should get out of here," Jacob finally spoke as Leah joined us on the wall overlooking the back river. " We're trying to get kids out of here as fast as we can." "I haven't found anything yet," I explained. "You found us," Leah smiled at me and stroked Maya's hair. "And you've found her. What else is there?" "Something," I hummed. Jacob put his arms around us both and kissed Leah's head. I stared out over the still water that reflected back the stars and the strobing light of battle. Beside me sat two people in love; the something. "They aren't even buried here I bet," I shook my head and looked at the two plots where grass was overgrown and vines crept along the headstones and crosses that littered the old yard. I'd once played tag, played soccer, watched the kids run through the lopsided mounds as graves sprung up exponentially, topsoil proudly on display like barren chests where feet would thump and giggles would erupt. "It doesn't matter," Edward assured me. "If you believed these were just plots of dirt, we wouldn't be here." Maya ran around, as she never did when she was a toddler here. Maria and Marcus showed her how to hunt beetles near the river. "I don't know what to say," I shuffled again, staring at the tombstones. Jacob Black; a heart so big it will outlive his body, a soul so kind it will be forever missed. Leah Black; beauty not meant to tread too long, the life that gave itself. "You don't have to say anything," he promised. "Just because they are dead, doesn't mean they are 166

gone forever. They live through everyone here, in everything you do." I stared some more, and tried not to think too long about death, but instead the beauty that was sitting in this place once again. Before I left, I was disillusioned to this place, instead overwhelmed by the ugly, the hate. Now, there were flowers, shimmering in the humid daze, and the rush of water wasn't a mute roar, but a soothing companion to rustling leaves and the breeze that made the grasses roll and bend. "Jacob and Leah wanted to have a baby of their own one day, but they thought of each one of the kids that passed through those doors as their own, so they never got around to it. They put it off, because you always think there will be a tomorrow," I spouted. "But you're not sad about them, and that confuses you?" "I'm not sad. I'm happy I knew them, and I miss them, and this place reminds me and gives me hope." "This is a good place," Edward smiled and held my hand as we were quiet, and I felt complete, finally. "I can't have a baby," I confessed. "I am barren." "Well that's surprising," Edward hummed. I walked towards the wall with my head hung awkwardly in defeat. I hadn't meant to say that, I didn't mean to say anything, but here, I couldn't lie. "Hey, come back," he called as I crawled to my favorite spot. "When did you find out?" "I went to the doctors last week because I've been off the pill for three months, and I wanted to just have this, this one thing for us, because even though I'm scared, I knew it would be good," I rambled. "You could have told me, Bella," he whispered. "You know it doesn't matter to me. Would I have loved to share that with you? Of course, but it's not because I expected it. I love you. What did the doctor say?" "He said I had almost no eggs, and the likelihood was slim to none," I paraphrased. "So what?" he threw up his hands. "Bella, I've been a failure to my father, and a burden to my mother, coupled with the alcohol abuse I've seemed to inherit on occasion and your mother's complete abandonment issues, our kid might have been a genetic mess." "That's not really making me feel better," I kicked the air. "I'm just saying that I don't know the right words to say, alright?" he heaved towards the water. "But I can't be mad at you because your body was made a certain way, and I can't be mad period because this is just something that happens. I'm blessed with a beautiful family already, and I'm not dead in a ditch due to drugs or something else, like I was bound for before I met you." "Edward, being here just reminds me how damaged I am," I sighed, the feeling of cool brick and the shade me feel better, or worse, I hadn't decided. "Where you see damaged, I see surviving," Edward conceded. "This place is the epitome of every bad thing in the world, but look at it now, it's thriving, regrowing. Look at Maya, that is the happiest, smartest, most beautiful little girl on the planet, because you love her, and you give her your all. Things Jacob and Leah and each one of those little crosses out there taught you." He kissed my forehead and put his arm around my shoulder; something. I opened my mouth to respond, but Maya hopped up beside me. "This is a confusing place," she sighed and kicked her feet against the brick. "Why do you say that novia?" I slipped my arm around her, our backs to death, searching for something. "I feel so sad," she whispered. I recognized the tinge of sadness, the tightening of the base of her throat that traveled and stifled; only adding to hidden tears. "But I feel so happy." "Why are you sad?" I started. "My mother, and my father, they are in the ground over there?" she motioned her head towards the 167

mounds. "Yes," I nodded and hugged her tighter. "But there's nothing in the ground that you need anymore. They went where the Good goes, remember?" Maya nodded. "And they are in each breath you take when you swim, and in the sun when it wiggles its way through the branches. So there is all of that, not in the ground." "I know, but you have to be sad a little," she explained. "Remember when we visited Edward's and we weren't sad, but we were quiet, because it was good and right?" "You mean we were respectful?" I offered. "We respected that they were good people, and they were here, and are gone now?" "Yes, that's how it feels now, but except like I've done it already," she kicked a little harder before looking at Edward and smiling. "Yeah, that's how it feels to me too," I smiled. "Why are you happy?" "Because this is a good place. It feels nice here." "Grandma Esme said that all of my teeths were going to fall out," Maya worried in the back of the car. "Grandpa said that he could help me pull them out. I don't want my teeths to fall out. Seth is missing four of his and he looks like a pumpkin face." "It's not nice to call people names, Maya," I gave her the look through the rearview mirror. "Tia Rosalie calls Tio Em a dumbhead sometimes. And Tio Jasper calls Tia Alice a pain in his ass all the time," she rattled off. "Dad called Emily a poopmachine." "We're not going to call names anymore," I promised. "And not all of your teeth are going to fall out at the same time, but you are going to get big girl teeth." "Do my big girl teeth mean I can eat more candy?" "No, that's not how it works. It just means you're a big girl who gets to stay up a little later before bed. Each tooth is five extra minutes, how does that sound?" I offered. "Can I read more books?" "Of course. And Grandpa doesn't have to pull out your teeth. He's just pulling your leg," I pulled into our driveway and typed in the code to the gate. "He's going to pull off my leg too?" she whispered and gave me a wide-eyed look. "But then I can't swim fast like Ben." "No, he's not going to pull off your leg," I opened her door and let her grab her back pack filled with goodies Esme packed to send home with her. "Go get ready for swim practice." "Sammy!" The little girl yelled as Edward let the bounding puppy into the yard. Slobber immediately trailed down her face as woofs filled the air. "We were just getting ready to go for a run," Edward jogged up to the side of the car, sweatpants dragging low on his hips, making my mind leap. He leaned against the car with me as Maya flopped around with Sammy in the yard. "You can't call Emily a 'poopmachine' in front of Maya, because now she's calling Seth a pumpkin face," I chastised my husband. "Well, all the kid does is go through diapers like crazy," he defended himself. "And Seth does look like a pumpkin face with those missing teeth." "Not the point," I nudged him with my arm and took a deep breath. Sammy's barking made my daydream fade until it meshed with the world in front of me, until there was no more perfection than in the little girl who was afraid of her teeth falling out and the giant dog rolling on the grass in the fading sun. "Where'd you go?" Edward whispered, his breath warmer than the summer. "No where," I smiled, "It's good here." "Very good," he agreed. 168

"So they are here?" Maya pointed to two crosses I guess could have been her parents. In all reality, her parents were probably burned or thrown in a shallow, group grave. "Yes," I lied; the first. Edward and I stood back and let her do whatever she wanted. This wasn't my healing, this was her connecting. "Thank you for being my mother and father," Maya sat in the grass between the two. "I have two people who are good, and you picked them out and they are great, and they take care of me. I wish I would have met you, but I'm happy." Edward rested his chin on the top of my head, as his arms held my waist together. "This is where I came from?" Maya asked as she turned towards us. "Yes," Edward answered for me. "And we can visit anytime you'd like." "I don't want to come back," she stood. "I feel like this is not my home. I don't need graves. Sometimes I hear her song at night when I sleep. And sometimes I smell him when I take a deep breath, but I do not need this. They are not here." I watched her place a handful of flowers on each cross before turning and hugging me tightly. "But it is nice to come back and help, isn't it?" Edward asked as he knelt beside her. She played with his chin in her little hands. "Yes, it is good here, but I am not from here," Maya smiled. "Can we go play with Marcus and Maria?" "Of course," he laughed and turned so she could hop on his back. I stood at the foot of these two beings that represented so much it confused and confounded me. "I know you're not really you, or you might be who we want you to be, but you probably aren't," I rambled before taking a breath as the evening breeze fluffed my hair into my face and mouth. "But thank you, wherever you are. I'm doing my best and I love her. I never met you, but I know you through her. So thank you." "Mama! Come quick, we're going to play soccer!" Maya called me as I wiped a tear from my face and smiled. It was all I needed, to sit here and say thank you, to say goodbye, to make promises to live. "Where's Maya?" Jacob asked as he flopped beside me on my cot. I tried to dry my face, but it was pink and stained in tears. "She went to eat with Leah. I just needed," I gasped, "a minute, or something." My shoulders shook as ribs cracked into lungs after the rickety sobs escaped. "Yeah, a minute or two is nice," he murmured and rested his head against the wall. "I don't know what I'm doing," I confessed. "You search for something, but each day you do. You just are. Don't look for more than that. Smile, be happy, be sad, be alive. The most beautiful people have known sadness; the most scarred are often the most full of wisdom. We're all scarred, and we're all sad. But we beat it by waking up the next day and continuing on. There's more meaning in that than in everything else you'll do. Just, stop searching, and you'll become who you are meant to be before you know it." "That's a bunch of crap," I laughed through it all. "Maybe," he nudged my shoulder and hugged me. "We are who we protect, and what we stand up for." "Thank you." "There are more stars here than at the Lake," Maya whispered in awe as she settled against my side in the cool grass. "These are the same stars," Edward explained, "Just more come out when there are less lights. The stars are always out, even during the daytime." "No way," Maya shook her head in disbelief. "I promise," he swore. "They are hidden because the sun is brighter. The sun is the brightest star." 169

"You're pulling my leg," she blew away his assessment. "No, it's true. When we go home, we'll go to the science museum and planetarium. They have all kinds of neat stuff about stars and the sky." "When did you become a star expert?" I laughed and snuggled against Edward's warm chest. "My mom and dad used to let us sit on the roof and star gaze. I spent most of my middle school years in a planetarium," he chuckled. It was something. "Can we sit on our roof?" Maya asked through the darkness. "Maybe at the Lake, but not our house in Seattle," Edward explained. "The roof is too steep." I sat and watched the sky as the two science geeks talked about the mysteries of the universe and so much more. Their voices mingled with the murmuring grasses and soothing river and even the screaming stars into something good. This place was like a womb, and we lived so well from doing nothing. It brought me chills and it brought me sadness, and it hurt me. But at the same time, this place that broke me and rebuilt me taught me the beauty that sits in the thing that made me sweat. "I feel good," I whispered and hugged Maya to me. "Me too," she whispered back at me. "You have to sleep," I begged the wide-eyed little girl. She just stared at me from her bed surrounded by the other children. "I have to sleep." She'd been awake for a long time now, and I'd been awake, making sure her cut didn't get infected, and she lived. "Please go to sleep, and I promise we'll play tomorrow," I whispered as I rubbed her back in soothing circles. Her eyes stayed trained on me, still. "I feel exhausted and so sleepy," I tried to sing to her. I rested my head against the side of her little cot from my sitting position on the floor. I continued to rub her back until I felt it in my own. "I just want you to live" I trailed off as little fingers ran through my hair. The first night Maya saved me as I saved her. "What are you still doing out here?" Edward's voice was loud in the quiet night. "Maya still sleeping?" I turned to see his form approach my secret wall. I barely made out the nod as he sat beside me. "I can see why you love it here. It's beautiful," he hummed and stretched his long body. "You know that I love you, right?" I asked as I turned to see him, and not Jacob. "Yes, and you know that I love you," he stated; no question. "I'm afraid I don't know how to be happy, and I don't want that to make you unhappy. I've given you my all, even if it doesn't seem like it," I confessed. "It seems like it," he assured me. I felt his lips move closer to my own, as if they were magnets, or even a key and a lock that always finds its place so easily. His hand against my neck, supporting it and its lofty ideas, when Edward kissed me I felt more than good. And it was something. "We can't have a child together," I whispered as my forehead moved against his, and though he was draped in shadows from the branches where the moonbeams peaked through, I saw a twinkle and smile. "We can have a life together," he assured me. "You're beautiful, you know?" "Sometimes I think you just love to get in my pants," I kissed his nose. "What? Me? Never." He laughed as my fingers traced his cheek, his jaw, his chin, his ears, his neck. The smile faded as my fingertips graced his lips. "Are you ready for our life?" I pulled away and let my hair fly in my face. Edward tucked it behind my ear and grazed my cheek. He pulled me in his lap and I felt safe. And it was something. "Of course," he promised. "Even when our name is dragged through the mud because of my alleged affair?" He kissed me again. Hot and wanting, only escalated by the humid weather. "We know the truth, and that is all that matters," he stated. 170

"I'm happy." I kissed Edward, with my fingers lacing through the hair that I loved to pull and pet, and his hands running along my thigh, because I was, completely, utterly, unbelievably happy. Against the wall, where the river lapped against the beach, where on the other side sat markers of faith and the loss and regaining of such, where across the lane, children slept in hopes of finding families, or even just living happily, in the place I sat for many nights looking for anything, Edward and I started our life; our something. It was beautiful, as rocks dug into my back and Edward murmured love to my skin, where the wind made skin chill because of the sweat of the humidity and movements of our bodies, and in the place where I ended, we began.

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Chapter 25 Epilogue
The Unimaginable Coincidence of Being Maya Swan-Cullen: My Life, My Family, and My Future Swan, 19, explains her choice to swim for the United State instead of her native Guatemala, as well as her scandalized childhood and famous parents. By: Maya Swan-Cullen On the day I was born, the world sang a song, or so my mom told me. She wasn't there though. Bella Swan was the age I am now, and she was thousand of miles away, in college, probably wearing really awkward clothes and reading much too boring Victorian romance novels, in a world miles away from a hut in Rio del Dolce, Guatemala. She was boarding a plane maybe, ready and eager to start her job teaching English at St. Simon, an orphanage a few miles from my house. Yes, on the day I was born, she wasn't there, because I am adopted. My life has been a series of lucky, fateful incidents, all of which I am amazingly grateful for, because they have come at a cost to others, and others have taught me to give freely. I was born and here I am now. I have a mom and a dad, but everyone knows who they are because Edward Cullen has won almost every Oscar, or award ever, and he's in movies, and much to my chagrin, people find him 'dreamy,' and Bella Swan was the woman who had an affair with a married man to have me. I know these facts. I was raised knowing these facts, and now that I'm in the Olympics, the scandal resurfaces. My skin is about five shades more tan than my mom, a fact I enjoy making known to her and mocking her pale tendencies. I have eyes that are dark, and hair that is darker, something that obviously cancels Edward Cullen out as my biological father. But she was there for every nightmare, and he was there for every race. It's funny, that any of this matters to anyone. Edward Cullen makes movies, and still gets followed and crushed by screaming girls, and that's the only reason this does. I was first approached after my freshman year at Stanford and my performance in the Junior Olympics. The representatives from Guatemala told me it was my obligation and responsibility to bring honor to my native country. But I'm from Seattle. I can speak Spanish, and a little French, but I'm not from Guatemala. My mom asked me why I wouldn't swim for them, why I would turn down such an amazing offer, especially after the many vacations our family has spent there, donating time and money to St. Simon and many other places. I didn't have an answer, honestly. It just never felt like home. It was a world where men with guns and big bombs revolted and murdered innocents by the thousands. I mean, I root for the Dodgers, how much more American can I be? I started swimming with Ben Cheney, the Olympian, before he was an Olympian. Back in the day, he was a student with my mom, and he ate Scooby Doo fruit snacks by the ton. I was lucky enough to swim with him while I was in high school and he was training. Unfortunately, all of this is lost when my name is mentioned. I'm a scandal, and I've known it since I was five years old. The truth is, it shouldn't matter what country I swim for, or whose daughter I am, but it does. It doesn't matter to me, or my family, but it matters to everyone else. The truth is, I'm swimming for America because my grandfather was a cop. My other grandfather is a doctor. My aunt is a mechanic; the other is a designer. My uncle is a bodyguard; the other is a History professor. My grandmother is an interior designer, and my other one ran off before I ever met her. I have twelve cousins. My dad makes and stars in movies and coaches my rec swim team. My mom teaches high school English and coaches the swim team. My mother and father were murdered by a revolution, and I was an orphan. My sister 172

plays soccer. My brother plays baseball. My dog eats shoes. All of this is here, in Seattle. They are who hold up signs and cheer for me, even the dog, and they are who I swim for. The truth is, my mom is my hero. Fifteen years have come and gone, and fifteen years she's taken abuse, been called many things, been judged, because of me. To keep me, she told a lie. The scandal is over. I've gotten my green card; I'm an American citizen. Bella Swan never had an affair with Jacob Black. A fact so simple it is only a tiny sentence in the story of my life, but one so big, it takes an article to explain. My mom gave her all to me, after living in a horrible situation. The truth is, I have an amazing family, who are proud that I am swimming in the Olympics. Some may say that it must suck, having to live a lie, but it really didn't most of the time. If anything, everyone outside of our family defines us by it more than we do. I don't want any more coverage because of this whole thing; I don't want to be defined by this scandal. We're unapologetic. I'm the kid of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. On the day I was born, neither were around, nor aware of it at all. I'm going to swim in the Olympics because every day, they've supported me and helped me towards my dream. And that's enough. I was approached by Ben Cheney to swim for the Women's Olympic Team after my times at the World Championships. I'm not interesting, I'm not scandalous, I'm not a lot of things that many have called me, and my family, but I am just a kid, who wants to protect those who protected her for her whole life. And that's something. "Did you read this?" I called to Bella from my office as I put down the Sports Illustrated. Sammy raised his head from the couch across from my desk then laid it down again, his graying muzzle huffing with a breath as he resumed his nap. "How many times have I asked you not to call for me through the house?" the most beautiful woman in the world appeared in the door a moment later, kitchen towel on her shoulder, hair up in a messy bun and flour smeared on her forehead. The glare on her face told me I was in trouble. I heard footsteps running up the stairs until they disappeared down the hall followed by a loud slamming door and a 'Mom!' "Sorry," I shook my head in shame. I gave her a small, weak smile and shrug. Even after all of the years, I still was in awe of the woman in front of me, the one who bent and broke, who got back up and who showed me to live. Her eyes were like the lines on an oak, each ring a year survived, accented by growth. "Can you please take care of that?" she motioned over her shoulder towards the hallway that led to the stairs. There were days where she was sad, and there were days that I was sad. There were days where she crawled behind me on the couch, and held on for dear life while I rung my hair and let the world win. "Can you come back when you're done?" I asked as I stared at the magazine cover with my daughter on the front. Bella nodded and returned to her baking. "Start of summer break and they're already driving me crazy," she talked to herself and moved her hands. "My oldest is leaving me, she's running off to Paris. Who the hell holds the Olympics in Paris? Raised her for seventeen years, and she runs off." "I thought you were going to be home for the next year," Bella glared at me, her hands on her hips as she stood, illuminated by the light of the kitchen behind her. "I thought so too," I assented. "But this came up, and they're rushing it through." "Do you know what I'm rushing through? Incubating a child, Edward. Your child. While I have two more, active, loud, happy, kids to worry about," Bella fumed. I let her yell. "What do you want me to do? This is my job!" I defended myself. 173

"Your job?" she scoffed. "You can say no. But you said yes! And now, I can't ask you to stay, because that's selfish. Well you know what, I hate you for doing this to me." I watched Bella run her hand along her protruding stomach, her eyes closed as she shook her head. Her lips moved as she murmured to herself, probably trying to stay calm. "Bella, I wasn't thinking," I started. "Did you just hear me? I said I hated you!" she cried. "Just go already. If you're so eager to get out of here, if you need to work that bad. If me and the kids are just too boring for you, then just go," she stalked away. I was left standing in the living room, mouth floundering against its brain. "I love you," I followed Bella into the bedroom a few minutes later. "And you don't hate me, you just hate my decision making abilities." "Fine. Whatever," she shrugged. "Say it," I sat at the edge of the bed while she changed. "Say you love me, all of me." "Edward, justleave me alone right now. I need to process, and my pregnant brain isn't as quick as my non-knocked up brain." "Say it, Bella," I stood and held her face in my hands. "Say it because that's something you don't get to take away." "I obviously love you," she sighed. "I love you so much it makes me hate you when you do stupid things like that." "I think that's a start," I kissed her nose and held her close as she clutched my shirt. I sighed and stalked towards the kid's rooms; Sammy stayed on the couch in my office, his tummy soaking up the spring sunlight that seeped through the windows. Trophies covered the bookshelves: science fair ribbons, Oscar's, swimming medals, baseball plaques, SAG Awards, and four teacher of the year awards. Pictures were stuck around them and knickknacks haphazardly. Between novels and poetry books, pictures of us in Guatemala, the Grand Canyon, New York, Washington DC, and Forks, as well as model cars, art projects, snow globes, and post cards were tacked all over. "What's going on in here?" I opened the bedroom at the beginning of the hall. "You mom is getting mad at me." "Jake won't stop putting his frogs in my bathtub," Charlie whined while shoving a toad in my face. Her face was of pure disgust, and I couldn't help but try to hold back a chuckle. She hated everything icky, but basically everything her brother was into. "Edward!" Bella shouted from the bathroom. Her voice startled me awake and left me in a daze. "Edward come in here now!" "What is it?" I hollered before leaping out of bed, tripping on the sheets, jamming my knee against the nightstand and knocking the lamp onto the floor with a crash. "Where's Maya? What's happening? Who's hurt?" "No one," Bella whispered from the bathtub. I ran my hands over my face quickly as I tried to wake up before staring back at her shocked face. Bella sat in the tub, completely motionless, as if she were a statue. "What's wrong, babe?" I stood in my boxers, the cold of the early morning making my skin shiver with the lack of clothes and cold marble floor. Slowly, her face turned to me, followed by her eyes, still completely shocked, and majorly scared. "I'mpregnant," she whispered. I noticed the three sticks in her hand, clutched against her chest. I felt my knees wobble, the wall behind her shifted as if we were in the ocean, and the whole world wooshed quiet. "Pregnant?" I mouthed, because suddenly it was dry, and my throat couldn't swallow. Bella smiled at me slowly, but started to cry. "I'm pregnant," she repeated. "We're having a baby." 174

"We're having a baby," I added again. I climbed into the tub beside her and kissed her. I held Bella to me and I kissed her as hard as I could. I kissed her because in her womb part of us together was growing, living, wiggling, multiplying. "What was the big noise?" Maya stood sleepily in the doorway of the bathroom. She rubbed her eyes as if to ward of the sleep. "Mama has a baby in her tummy," Bella explained and held her arms for Maya to join us. Eagerly, the little girl climbed in with a giant smile. "I'm going to be a great big sister," Maya stated. Bella hugged her tightly and shut her eyes. It was her moment to savor. Seven months later, our son was born. He had Bella's hair, and my eyes. Two years later, we had a baby girl. She was born premature, but beautiful, and grew into a perfect little girl. "Edward Jacob Swan-Cullen!" I shouted and grabbed the reptile from my little girl's hand before walking into the hallway. "What?" my son peeped his head from his doorway before walking towards me. For twelve, Jake was pretty tall, much like his namesake, though he took after Bella in a lot of ways. His hair was a mess, though it was the color of Bella's, dark, dirty brown, and my own eyes stared back at me. He was mischief embodied. "Keep your frogs in your room, and out of Charlotte's tub," I handed the reptile back. "Or we'll set them free in the lake, and we won't let you collect anymore tadpoles when we go on vacation." "Thanks Dad!" he smiled. "I thought I lost him." "No you didn't! You put it in my tub on purpose," my ten-year-old daughter taunted him from behind my hip. "No I didn't, tattletale," Jake fired back. "Enough," I knelt between them. "Listen, you know your mom is going a little" I stalled and made a face before twirling my finger near my temple. "Cuckoo?" Charlie offered. "Loco?" Jake interjected with a grin. "Yes," I nodded with a smile. "With Maya going away for so long, it makes her worry, and she needs a little quiet. You both know that when she bakes, it's because she's upset." "We know," they answered in unison and mock apology. "Ok, now go clean your rooms before everyone comes over," I stood back up and watched them shuffle towards their rooms. "I'm going to weigh twelve hundred pounds by the time they're in college." I walked back towards the stairs, stalling at Maya's open bedroom door. Swim suits hung on her bedpost, books littered her desk, floor, and nightstand, her wall was covered with pictures of us, all taken by her own hand when Esme gave her a Polaroid for her eight birthday, ones of Jake and Charlie when they were born, ones of Pop-Pop Charlie in the hospital while he got chemo, ones of all of us together, of her swim team, of Seth, of Sammy, of trees in Yosemite, cannons at Gettysburg, Pyramids in Egypt, water falls in Hawaii, of musicians and actors and awards and ants and hands and candles and Bella, Dodger pennants and Stanford postcards mingled with string lights and a keyboard. I stared at Seth across the coffee table in the formal living room. I didn't move, just glared. I watched him glance at the stairs, at the walls, at his hands, and back at me for just a second, before returning to the rotation. "I heard you were going to film in Australia, that's cool, Edward," Seth offered to a conversation I'd never let start. He grew tall, bigger than me, almost the size of Emmett. This little boy I'd watch grow from a jack-o-lantern smile, to a gawky teenager, to an almost high school graduate, with sandy blond hair that always flopped in his eyes and gentle features, asked to take my baby on a date; her first date. "It's Mr. Cullen," I leaned forward before folding my hands into a pyramid. "When you date my 175

daughter, it's Mr. Cullen." "I've known you since I was in kindergarten," he stammered weakly. "I know, but I will kick your ass if you touch her," I explained. Jake sat beside me and moved whenever I did. "I will tell Tio Em to beat you up if you mess with my sister," the little boy explained, though it was hard to take him seriously in Batman pajamas. "Alright, let's get out of here," Maya flew down the stairs with Bella hot on her heels. My daughter looked beautiful, and I hated that there was no other word to describe it. She was short, maybe an inch taller than Bella, with dark brown hair, and doe brown eyes and a heart-shaped face. Her limbs were long and lean, and she'd long since grown accustomed to the scar on her arm. "Not so fast," I stood up quickly and followed to the door. "Home by eleven." "Twelve," Bella grabbed my waist. I gritted my teeth. Maya glared at me. "Fine, twelve," I conceded. My daughter hugged me and kissed my cheek before walking away. "Be safe," I called as they walked towards Seth's car. I waited up until she came home, but fell asleep in the chair near the window. Maya woke me with a kiss on the forehead before sending me to bed with promises that he didn't even try to hold her hand. "That took forever," Bella surprised me as I stalked back into my office, my solace, my secret batcave. She had her feet on the desk and the chair leaning back as if she were the boss. "Frogs in bathtubs, take two," I leaned against the door and watched her reading the article Maya never told us she was writing. "Did you finish your baking spree?" "Ran out of eggs," she muttered. Sammy rested his head in her lap, sadly. Absently, Bella traced his ear and head. They were partners in missing Maya. "What do you think?" I asked after a few minutes. "We have the most amazing daughter in the world," she whispered. "The most amazing kids period, except for the whole frog thing." "You know she'll be back after the summer, and we'll see her in August," I picked Bella up and sat with her in my lap. "But she's only been back for a week, and now she's leaving again," Bella sighed and wrapped her arms around my chest and nuzzled her forehead against my neck. "What am I going to do when Jake and Charlie go to college? There won't be enough eggs in the world" "Don't slam your door!" Bella yelled through Maya's closed door as I leaned against the wall. "Maya Rebecca Swan-Cullen, you don't get to act rude to guests because we won't let you go to the mountains for the weekend with no adult supervision, and you don't slam your door, and you don't get to be angry." "Maya," I knocked gently. "Open up so we can talk." "I don't want to talk. I don't see the point in arguing when you won't even listen to me. How can you not trust me?" she yelled. "I'm fifteen years old!" "Yes, we trust you, we just don't trust other fifteen year olds," Bella yelled. The door opened. "You're not my mother," Maya stared straight at Bella. I felt the world implode. "No, but I'm your mom," Bella stared straight back. "Sometimes you say things you don't get to take back, and I hope you remember that." Just like that Bella turned away and walked downstairs. Maya stared at where Bella had stood, and watched her retreating figure. I couldn't move, but gulped. Maya's glare turned to confusion, which turned to sadness. "I didn't mean it," she whispered, as if to herself. "I would never mean it. I said it to hurt. Make me take it back?" she asked while looking at me. I hugged her as tight as I could. "Make me take it back, please?" she sobbed. "I could never mean that. I don't want to go. Don't let her leave. No, I take it back." Everything turned to broken sentences as Maya cried harder than I ever heard her cry before. I 176

made her sit on the bed after ten minutes of crying. Her face was puffy, her chest was breaking. She clutched her sweatshirt and cried in a ball. "She needs you," I whispered as I found Bella sitting on the stairs, head in her hands. "I'm angry," Bella murmured as she sniffled. "Go," I picked her up and pointed her up the stairs. Slowly I followed and sat outside of her bedroom. "I'm so sorry," Maya sighed into Bella's shoulder. "I wish you were my mother, not just my mom. But I love you for it, no matter what. I take it back. I take it back so much." "I love you, novia. I love you so much," Bella whispered into her daughter's hair. "Say you forgive me? Please, just say it," Maya begged as sobs covered her. "I didn't mean it, at all. I could never mean it." "I forgive you," Bella kissed her forehead. "I'll always forgive you." "I'm so sorry," Maya sobbed quietly as her hands clutched Bella's back and shoulders, digging through the fabric, her face buried in her shoulder. Bella held Maya's head, running her fingers along the soft hair, whispering shh's in her ear as they rocked back and forth, stuck in time, healing in the moment. "I would never mean it. Never" Maya continued to swear. "Mama, Iso sorry" "Hey, it's not time for tears," Bella wiped the tears from Maya's eyes. It was tenderness. "When you hurt, I hurt." "When you're sad, I'm sad," Maya finished. "Sammy!" Maya yelled as she came through the back door. I heard it click, and so did the giant dog, who gracelessly scraped his paws against the floor and bound towards her voice. "Where's my Sammy-Boy? Ah, there he is. What's up gramps?" A faint woof resounded in the house, followed by familiar giggles. I set my sleeping wife down on the couch, exhausted from her baking and sleepless nights worrying over Maya. "Tummy rub for my favorite boy in the world," she cooed, a future vet major. "I'm ready for a nice hot shower and a nice long sleep. How does that sound, huh, bud? Think I deserve it after my horrendous practice? I only did ten thousand. I know, don't look at me like that, but I was sore. I did extra running last night. Sitting around the house just makes me so sad. It's not you though; I just don't want to leave. You know that though, right? I wish I could fly you out with me." I tried not to laugh as Maya vented to her best friend. "Can you just leave me alone?" Maya whispered and turned over to face the window. I recognized faded Dodger blue tucked under her head, wrapped in her arms as she dried her eyes with a sleeve. "I would love more than anything else to be able to leave you alone and not deal withboys" I sat on the edge of her bed and she curled her long legs up to her chest. I cursed Bella's trip with Alice and Rosalie to the lake for a 'woman's weekend'. "But I can't let you be upset." "Dadplease?" she sniffled, and it broke my heart. "Hey, I know, I'm not like your mom, and I'm not good at saying the right things, but I do want to make sure you're alright, because I love you." "Boys are just stupid," my daughter huffed before stretching on her back, the sweatshirt still covering her. "Yes, yes they are," I agreed and sat down beside her. "The only man you can ever trust is your good ol' dad." "Stop being ridiculous," she nudged my side. "What happened?" I asked as the silence ate away from us. "I waited, I waited for Seth, and he didn't even kiss me," she mumbled. "He didn't even kiss me." "He's missing the most beautiful, smart, kind girl in the world then," I pinched her side, eliciting a giggle. "He was probably scared. Do you know how scared I was before I kissed your mom for the first time? God, I was so scared, I nearly missed. And it was horrible, so awkward, and completely bad, I 177

thought she was going to kill me or never talk to me again." "No way," Maya yawned and turned towards me. "I promise," I held up a pinky to swear. "I was so scared because I liked her, and yeah, I even thought I loved her, and I was so afraid I'd mess it up somehow. And that's a lot of pressure for a kiss, you know? So don't be upset. Boys are idiots. Big fat idiots, and that won't change." "You lied," Maya smiled at me. "I would never lie to you, meija," I was taken aback. "You said you never knew the right things to say," she hugged my side. "How about pizza and a movie? Your treat," I finally offered when she stopped crying. "Mom would get ice cream, too," she gave me the pout I'd once taught her. "Naturally," I kissed her forehead and watched her slide the sweatshirt under her pillow. "Maya, will you help me catch my frogs before Mom freaks out again?" Jake ran down the stairs and pushed the glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "Ah, Jake, you lost him again? Sammy's going to eat him," Maya scolded her little brother before throwing her swim bag on the dining room table and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. "You have to stop losing them." "I know! That's why I need to find him. Charlie won't help me because she's painting, and Dad told me Mom is loco and baking," he trailed off while following his big sister. They were geeky together. It was endearing. "Mom's baking?" Maya grinned before gulping more. "Christ, she might be loco." "Hey, language," I scolded her as I made my presence known. "Sorry Dad," she rolled her eyes and kissed my cheek. "But she's really baking? I'm only gone for a month and a half. When I went away to Stanford she baked enough for my whole dorm. My whole dorm and swim team. Dad, she wore out a Kitchen Aide mixer, and those things are indestructible." "Remember when she baked four cakes for your birthday?" Jake laughed and continued to search the floor for his frog. Maya tried not to laugh, but I couldn't fight it. "I finally got her napping. You know how she worries. Articles in Sports Illustrated don't really help when she thinks you're already lost and overwhelmed by the world," I chastised her. "Especially with no warning." "I didn't want to worry you guys," Maya sat on the counter and threw Jake an apple. "I had to do it." "We're proud of you, meija, we really are," I hugged her. "You know she just hates dealing with that whole thing." Again, an eye roll before she hopped down. I'd be on the phone with my publicist all night, figuring out damage control for the article, but I would never be mad about it. "Same," she murmured and finished the water. "How was practice?" I asked as I started to pull ingredients from the fridge for dinner. "Decent enough. I don't want to leave, but I can't wait to go to where there are no distractions. I hit a wall today thinking about paper topics for Jake's history report," she grabbed a bone from the top shelf for Sammy who sat, tale thumping and waiting. "Maya, will you help me with my picture?" Charlie appeared. "I can't get the colors right." "The life of a big sister is never easy," Maya hopped down and followed the kids upstairs. "Shower before dinner please," I called after her. "And find that freaking frog!" Charlie came down and helped me make dinner after Maya helped her mix a new color. She was our chef, and much to Bella's enjoyment, loved baking. We always ate well because Charlie did the cooking, so much unlike her namesake, it hurt. "Daddy, can we eat outside for Maya's last dinner?" Charlie asked as I handed her plates. "Sure," I nodded and turned off the stove. "Go get Jake when you're done. I'll go find Mom." 178

"Wa-hoo," she stated, not cheered, just stated. I couldn't help but smile as I walked towards my office. I heard the doorbell ring, and I knew Alice, Jasper, Marcus, Maria, Luke, Mark, and John were coming in, closely followed by Rosalie, Emmett, Emily, Leah, Amy, and Lily, with Esme and Carlisle brining up the rear. Seth and Sue would probably come with them, straight from the office. "I'm glad you wrote it," Bella whispered. I stalled in the doorway as I watched her stroke Maya's hair as her head rested in Bella's lap. "It was beautiful. You didn't have to do that. I wouldn't change anything for you. I'm not worried." "You worry so much it's like your job," Maya shook her head. I tried not to laugh. "We can't just will it all right, it takes more than hope to make the world right." "I'm a mom, it is my job," Bella cooed. "The only thing that is right is being your mom. The means justify the end. How was practice?" "It was alright," Maya sighed. "I gained a whole second. Someone's baking is making me fat and slow. Your worrying about me training for the Olympics is going to ensure I can't go at this rate." "You'll do fine," Bella rubbed her temples in a soothing way she always did. "When are you going to say goodbye to Seth?" "Tomorrow," her voice was smaller than ever. "I think I love him." "You think?" Bella prodded. "When you kiss Dad, does it feel like your whole body is on fire, but at the same time, you want to shiver, and your body feels like each muscle is filled with just electrons buzzing around?" "Every time," Bella sighed. I smiled to myself. "When did you know you loved him?" Maya sat up and tucked her legs under her body. "Do you remember the first time we went to the aquarium?" Bella stared right at me. "No, I was likefive," Maya laughed. "He held you to pet the sting rays, and he kissed me in the tunnel, and I loved him." "I think I love Seth," Maya whispered and rested her head on Bella's shoulder. They sat there in silence. It was beautiful, something so familiar and natural. "I mean, we are almost ready to-" "Ah! Stop!" I interjected before she could continue with where I thought it was going. "Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little girl," I chanted. "I was going to say 'We're almost ready to say it,'" Maya glared at me. "Don't worry so much, Dad, you'll get more gray hair." "I don't have any gray hairs," I taunted. "I'm Hollywood's Heartthrob, I'll have you know. DILF, I believe is the term." "No greyyet," she danced out of the room. After making a barfing noise "Come on, Sam." The dog followed eagerly. "She thinks she loves him?" I plopped beside Bella. "Why can't she be like Charlie, completely happy with art and playing? Remember when she used to be a dinosaur?" "Charlie's ten, Edward," Bella hugged me tightly. "Maya's nineteen, let her be in love." "No, I refuse," I humphed. "Where did the time go?" "I don't know what you were doing, but I was busy training two Olympians." "Mom, Tia Alice said if you don't get out here, she's going to kick your butt," Jake ran in through the door before running out again just as fast. "We done good, huh?" Bella stood up and held her hand out for me to grab. I followed until we stood at the door to the deck, watching our noisy family fighting and yelling over each other, a family that wasn't really ours, that didn't share any blood, but one that we couldn't pay to leave us alone. Charlie braided Maya's hair while Jake and Jasper talked about something eagerly. Emmett tried to ignore his girls as they chatted about French men and the upcoming trip, while Rosalie rolled her eyes and tried to get him to calm down. The kids laughed and joked while Carlisle and Esme passed the food 179

around, to the kids that were theirs and not at all, to Marcus and Maria who Alice adopted, to Emily, their oldest, actual granddaughter, though they always considered Maya their first. "We done great," I smiled and kissed my beautiful wife, the woman I never knew I needed. The woman who sat on a plane and gave me a second look, despite my flaws. I wanted my father to be there, my mother, everyone. I wanted the world to be this happy. I wasn't dead, but I was where the Good went. "I'm so nervous," I rung my hands and wiped them in my pants. "Christ, Edward, why do we let her do this. It's hell on my nerves." "Mom, geeze, language," Jake nudged my shoulder. He was a good foot and a half taller than me, and even sitting in the stands in the aquatic center in London, he sat taller than me. He was handsome, like his father; devilishly so, with brains that were a lethal combination. Edward's green eyes twinkled at me through our son and I couldn't help but smile. He ran his hand through his hair, a genetic habit all three kids picked up from their father. He was a rock; smart, logical, rational, and I loved him for everything he was going to be. "You're seventeen, I feel like you're old enough to hear me say 'hell'," I laughed as he hugged me against his broad chest. "Maya will do fine. She already has four medals. I drugged her up earlier with steroids, so she should come out with man shoulders," he grinned. "Stop torturing your mom," Edward stepped in for me when he saw that I couldn't see the joke. "Go find Charlie, and keep her away from the divers." "I don't want to be on babysitting duty," Jake whined. Edward gave him a look and he left a second later in search of his sister. I smiled when I saw him find her across the pool. Charlie was gorgeous, much like her father. She had auburn hair, which curled gently, and soft features, and Edward's eyes. She punched Jake's arm and he pulled her towards the stairs. They stopped and hugged Maya as she appeared from behind the changing room door. My three kids, together. Jake held his hand up, making Maya jump for a high five. They all laughed. Jake twirled her around in a hug, and Charlie braided her hair, like a professional. They took care of each other. "You are going to get up there and kick major ass," Jake grabbed Maya's shoulder and shook her gently. "You've already swam in the Olympics, and you're nervous about your first official meet at school? You're bigger and badder than this." "I'm telling that you said 'ass'," Charlie taunted him. I watched her pick up a marker and start drawing on Maya's arm. Ever since she discovered her love of art, Maya always let Charlie do her arm artwork over her scar. "I heard, but I think it's appropriate," I stepped in and took a seat in the smelling locker room before Maya's debut. She pulled her shoulder last year, and rested before her Olympic trials. "What are you doing today, Charles?" Maya asked her sister. They looked like strangers, but I often found them sleeping together, reading, hanging out in silence because they needed each other. "Reproduction of 'Starry Night'. I'm in a Van Gogh stage," my twelve year old answered, and it made me smile. It made my heart burst and hurt from so much happy because my kids were smart, and they were perfect. "Sounds good," Maya closed her eyes and stretched her feet. "I love you, Pea-brain," Jake hugged her after Charlie finished. "We'll see you after you win. And if you lose, wellWe'll disown you." Maya socked him in the gut. "In a very loving way." "Good luck, My," Charlie hugged her, kissed her own hand, and slapped the art. "You know, I'm glad you had them," Maya grinned at me slyly. "Most of the time." 180

"Hey, Bella," Alice hugged me as most of her brood joined our section in the stands. Marcus was away in Botswana doing Peace Corps work, and Maria was coming in later after she finished her exams at Oxford. "How's our champ doing?" My best friend hadn't changed in years. She, whether she knew it or not, was part of me, in a way that went past sisterhood. "I don't know. I let her do it herself today," I smiled and sat down, the feeling in my gut gnawing me into submission. "Mama Bear losing her rawr?" Jasper hugged me tightly as he sat down beside Alice. The boys followed in behind, all carrying signs, and hollering for their cousin. "Doubtful," Edward offered and kissed the top of my head. Movements like that, simple ones, where he held my shoulders together and made me not break. Edward Cullen was forty four years old, with hair salted from its original brazen copper, but God, he still took my breath away each time I looked at him. "Bells, hey, um, can you come here?" Seth appeared in front of me. Seth, the little boy I'd seen grow up, my daughter's future husband. He was a good man. "What's wrong, Seth?" I popped up quickly. Carlisle and Esme walked up as I followed him down the steps. I pointed them towards our section, growing by the second. "Can you just go in, I can't do it, you're the only one that can," he grinned awkwardly and opened the door for me. I walked into the dank room, where towels hung and coolers packed with ice and water sat waiting to be emptied. I watched Maya pace back and forth among the benches and crisp, chlorine smelling lockers. I watched my beautiful, graceful daughter stretch her arms over her shoulders, shake her head from side to side, and continue to pace, slow, then pace again. "What's wrong, novia?" I sat beside Maya on the bench outside of the giant auditorium. Her cap and gown moved in the wind and I brushed the stray hair behind her shoulder. Her brow furrowed as she stared at her hands. "I can't do it," she whispered before looking up at the sky. "I've never, in your whole life, ever heard you utter those words, and you're not going to start now," I swore and stood. "Mom, I've never talked in front of all those people. I mean, I can swim, but I've never had to talk, all alone," she trailed off and fidgeted a little more. "You graduated top five in your high school, and you've swam in the Olympics, you've taught kids how to read, you've come from the jungle like a warrior, and you've saved my life. I've raised you to never say never," I pulled her up and held her face in my hands. "You graduated top of your class at Stanford, and you are going to be proud." Big brown eyes stared back at me and a faint smile appeared. "Go be proud, novia," I hugged her tightly. "You've made me so proud." "Te amo," she whispered as I pulled away and moved to take my seat. "How is she?" Edward leaned into me as I sat down finally. "She'll be fine," I assured him as everyone took the stage. Our whole family cheered too loudly as Maya took the podium. "Look at our girl," Edward hugged me. I just nodded, unable to speak. "When I was little, my mom decided to read me '100 Years of Solitude,'" Maya began, finding us in the crowd. "My dad told her that it was probably over my head, but she didn't care. When Malequides died, I cried, literally, for a whole night. Everyone out there probably expected me to come out here, and talk about swimming, or about the devotion it took to win or whatever, or maybe to talk about how I came from a jungle, and I watched horrible things. But that's not important, or maybe it's the most important thing, but it all led to that moment, where I cried because a fictional character died. And 181

when he died, my mom told me that he went where the Good went, when it was set free. And when my grandpa Charlie died, he too, went to where the Good went when it was set free. And when my dog died, he went to where the Good went, when it was set free. Growing up, rereading that book, I appreciated Malequides each time I read because I knew the time I had with him was limited. The only thing I've learned in life, that's more important than swimming with your head down, that's more vital than thriving and surviving, is to be the Good in the world. Each of us, can be the Good, and we can make this a world where the Good is, before it has to be set free." Applause erupted, and I tried not to cry. "If each of us, can go out, can spread love like violence, and hope like fire, and peace like hate, the Good will be out there. That's what I've learned, and that is all I can ask of my peers. But maybe ask is the wrong word. I expect it, from each of you, from my class, my fellow graduates. I demand that we be the Good, because the only alternative to that, well, it's an alternative I'd be ashamed to see. I'm living proof of the Good of other's, now we go out, and are accountable to spread it ourselves. Thank you. Congratulations. Gracias a mi familia. Beso, beso, beso." "Hey, Maya, what's up?" I approached her cautiously. She turned her head like a deer in the headlights, and it'd be comical, if she weren't so scared. "You didn't come down before the race," she stated, hands on her hips. I watched her suit move with each breath. "I thought you had it under control. I thought maybe twenty three was the cutoff age for having your mom give you a pre-race pep talk," I shrugged and chuckled. "No," she shook her head, not laughing with me. "No, that's not us. I mean, you raise me to be this woman, and I have an amazing family, and I graduated, and I'm going to marry an amazing man, and I'm functioning here, but the only reason I'm like this is because you give me pep talks, and I know you'll be there after. So, do it. Get the parenting train rolling here." "Maya, what are you talking about?" I couldn't help but laugh as she moved in and out of Spanish. "When did you have dreams for me?" she whispered and slunk down onto a bench. I sat beside her and started to braid her hair then started rubbing her temples until she rested on my shoulders. "The first moment I met you, I had dreams for you, and then they grew, my God, they grew each day. At first, it was to talk, and then, it was for you to be happy, and then it was for you to feel love, then read, then I dreamed that our family would make you whole, that you would graduate, and become the strong woman you are today. I've always had dreams for you, and you've always exceeded them. Reading when you were five, smiling in the face of death, making me have dreams for myself, my girl, you've always been a dream." "That's what I'm talking about," she grinned. "How can you think that I'd ever think you'd fail?" I laughed as she grabbed her cap and goggles. "Sometimes the world is heavy, and sometimes it wins, so sometimes I feel like I can't reach your dreams, or even my own," she sighed. I traced the words on her shoulder, ones her sister wrote, words from a poem I once whispered while she slept. "Happy Birthday," I crawled into the light purple bed as Maya buried her head in the sheets and pillows. "Mama," she murmured and I smiled. "I'm sleeping. It's my day off." "It's also your birthday," I informed her and scratched her back until she turned to face me, a giant smile on her face, but eyes shut tightly. "My little girl is a woman. Eighteen yeas old, and soon, she won't need her mom to crawl in bed and wish her a happy birthday." "Hush," Maya chuckled. "That day will never come." "We'll see," I sighed and picked up one of the cakes I baked the night before, unable to sleep, the 182

world changing. "Tell me, again," Maya sat up and pulled her messy bedhead into a ponytail before giving me a lazy smile. "On the day you were born," I started, lighting the candle in the small cake. I remembered the days when we couldn't afford our own house, on days when the night outside was so loud, our cot seemed to vibrate with the world, of nights when I held Charlie, afraid she was too little to live, and Maya sat beside me, afraid to touch her sister, but told her stories, so she would hear their song, and stay with us. "On the day you were born, there was a song, and it played in the world, like the clouds were loudspeakers, and the volume was at eleven," Maya smiled and licked the frosting with a finger. "And I heard it. The world was given a heart so big, I heard it beating from far away. Slowly I followed it, until you found me. So on the day you were born, I was given a present." Maya blew out the candle and smiled at me. "I love you," I hugged her tightly. And in my arms I held every dream I'd ever needed. "I love you, Mom," she whispered. I love the feel of water. The way it was smooth, soothing or frightening and alarming. It plopped and clinked against windows in the rain, it wooshed a silence in the shower when my mind moved too fast, it felt like I was on a carousel, and the noise and music was blaring through my ears. When my family filled two tables during dinner, and my phone rang because I refused to be a scandal, water was the quiet, the calm in the storm. "It sounds like nothing, doesn't it?" Bella whispered as we sat on a wall beside a flowing river. I remember bits, and I make up the dialog, but I remember the feeling of arms holding me to her beating chest, while behind me, water moved, pulling earth with it, etching an age-old crease in the world. "Sometimes it's good to hear nothing." My arm hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt, but I don't know why. But in that moment, I was quiet. I toweled dry, something I'd done a million times, before putting on sweats and zipping up an old Dodger sweatshirt I'd long since forgotten where I got it. I hung up my towel, a motion I'd done for over a decade, and I took a breath of the cool air in my room, where string lights twinkled against Polaroid's of my life and a lazy dog snored on his pillow under my window. I padded down the hall to my little sister's room. "She's too little, take her back," I stared in the little incubator Charlie sat in when she was born. "Put her back in your tummy and make her better." "It doesn't work like that, Maya," Dad ran his finger along her tiny chest. Jake didn't look like that when he was born. When he was born, I could hold him, and he wasn't as fragile. "I want my baby sister to not go with the Good," I pushed my face along the glass. "I'm here, and you have a song, so listen, and come to it." "Hey Charles," I murmured and walked into her room. It didn't look like mine when I was little. It was a work in progress. We painted the walls with originals and reproductions done by hand. She worked on her own murals suiting what she felt like. She was creative, and she was beyond anything I'd ever be able to conceive. "I thought you were sleeping, My," she turned over from her shoulder where she was reading some book. "Dad said you had a bad practice." I sat beside her on her fluffy yellow comforter. "Yeah, it wasn't great," I shook my head. "How excited are you to see the Louvre?" "It's going to be amazing," she sighed before snuggling against her sheets. "Will you tell me another story?" "I'm not sure, Charles, they always make you sad," I played with the stuffed pig she kept as her 183

own. I put it in her incubator when she was born. It was bigger than her. "You're leaving tomorrow," she whispered. She gave me sad eyes, the ones that always worked so I started. "Fish bite better after it rains," PopPop explained as I sat on his lap. "It's not science, it's biology, the kind you feel in your bones so you know it's true." "Like where my insides are like Mama's, even when they aren't the same?" I asked, looking up at the funny, wonderful man who took me in as his granddaughter, and who would die before he met his namesake. "Exactly," he kissed my nose and pinched my cheek. "There are fish the size of hippos in the sea, and there are sharks that are bigger than school buses. And some fish have glow in the dark eyes, and some don't have eyes, but deep down, they are all fish, right?" "I don't like fish, they smell, and Samson and Delilah eat them and have fish breath," I explained, quite scientifically. "It's the biology of it," he repeated with a smile. I rested me head on his shoulder and watched some liquid drip into his arm. "Would he have liked me?" Charlie asked as I kissed her forehead and set her book on the nightstand. "He would have loved you because you have fish breath," I joked. "You smell like a pool," she stuck her tongue out. "Goodnight, Charles," I walked to shut off her light before taking one last look at her walls. They'd be different in a few weeks, and I'd miss it. "'Night Maya," she yawned. "See you tomorrow." I nodded and shut her door. Mom and Dad had already said goodnight, and would be back to check before they went to bed, but I always loved saying goodnight. "I've known these crazy kids for a while now," I raised my glass of sparkling cider and took a sip. "And I can honestly say, I never thought it would work. I mean, all of the magazines told me it wasn't going to work. And if the magazines can't get it right, who can?" The crowd laughed and I smiled as my parents sat at the head of the table, trying not to laugh too hard. "But I've never seen two people in love, more than my mom and dad. I once asked her, how, why she could love him so much, because to me, it just didn't make sense. Two people in love, it's so rare no one recognizes it today. And my mom told me that she loved him because it was like breathing, and he was him. These two, give me a hope that love exists. Happy Anniversary." Everyone clapped, and Dad kissed my cheek and hugged me. "That was sweet," Seth whispered as music start playing. I watched as Dad swung Mom out on the dance floor, both laughing before pausing. I watched my mom duck her head and my dad held her cheek before placing her hands on his neck and his on her waist, and slowly he moved them around. I rested my head on Seth's shoulder and watched them, together for almost fifteen years, as in love as they day they met. "Would you like to dance?" Seth held his hand out to me. For seventeen, he was already so tall, so handsome. "Yes," I whispered. He spun me on the floor, and I peaked over his shoulder, watching the tall, broad actor sigh and hug the woman who gave me her life and whisper in her ear, to which she lit up and kissed his neck. "They fight and make up, they joke and they love," Seth mused. "And I can't think of any other couple I'd rather idolize." "Me too," I nodded and looked at Seth. I traced his cheek and placed my own on his chest. "May I have this dance," I heard the soft voice I'd recognize anywhere. "Or course, Mr. Cullen," Seth stuttered before handing me to my dad. 184

"You can be nicer to him," I shook my head before grabbing his hand and letting him twirl me around. "I could," he grinned. It was a grin that was on magazines and in movie stills. "But it's my job to protect you." "And it's my job to make you worry," I chuckled. I ran my hand through my hair, flicking moisture from it, and padded down to Jake's door before opening it and finding him in bed, reading some magazine. "'I mean, I root for the Dodgers. How much more American can I be?'" he read, and I recognized my article. "That's not something to be proud of, the Cubs are way better." I pulled up his desk chair and set my feet on his bed before rolling my eyes. The wall across from us had cages and aquariums of frogs and insects that creaked and chimed in the night. "Yeah, yeah," I shook my head. "Are you going to be good while I'm gone, or do I have to bribe you with something awesome?" "Bribe away, Pea-brain," he smiled at me, looking eerily like our dad. "Topless beach when you come visit," I offered. "Ten minutes." "Fifteen," he raised an eyebrow and returned shrewdly. It was the same look he got when trading chores, or baseball cards, or comics, or frogs. "Deal," I shook on it. "But you have to watch Charlie, and make sure she goes out with friends, or you, and not stuck in her room painting, alright?" "Fine," he murmured. "And make sure Mom doesn't bake too much, alright?" "I'll try," he chuckled. "Have you seen her? She's a mess." "Yeah, I'm going to work on that," I sighed. "I'll miss you." "Yeah, yeah, I'll miss you too," he rolled his eyes. "Lights out soon," I muttered as I walked out towards the hall. "Hey, Maya," he called and I peaked back in his room. "I'm really glad you're my big sister." "Ok, thanks for helping me move in," I surveyed the boxes littering my dorm and felt overwhelmed already. "No problem. I'm ruggedly strong," Jake grinned and plopped on the ground. Mom and Dad took Charlie to get a few more bags. "Listen, Jacob, when I'm gone, it's your job to be the oldest, you know?" I sat beside him. Mom told us we were all each other had. "I know," he insisted. He didn't' speak when he was upset. He was walls and fortresses, because once he knew what happened before he was invented, he felt like he wasn't entitled to hurt. "And that means doing things you don't want to," I explained. "Like playing with Charlie, and walking Sammy, and helping Mom when Dad has to go away for business." "I know, I'm not a kid," he sneered. "You're the one leaving." "I'm not leaving, I'm going to college. I have to do it," I sighed. "I won't ever leave you guys. If you need me, you can call me, anytime, alright?" "I'll be fine," he stood and walked towards the car before gritting his jaw and wiping his eye. "We'll be fine without you." "Finish your rounds?" Dad's voice filled my room. I put my book down and nodded with a smile. "You knew about that?" I asked as Sammy lifted his head, then went right back to sleep. "Of course," he smiled and sat down beside me, stretched as he always did, hands folded behind his head and legs crossed, almost hitting the end of my bed. I remembered napping with him when I was little. "They like you, as a big sister. You're good at it." "I'm not so sure sometimes," I shrugged. "I'll be gone, and they'll grow up until I'm just a stranger." 185

"Who does Charlie talk to when she's stuck or confused?" Dad asked, frown cemented on his face. "Mom," I shook my head and looked away. "Wrong," he buzzed annoyingly. "You." "Who does Jake call when he's about to get in trouble?" "You," I whispered. "Nope," he sighed. "You, meija. Because they love you, and they need you. I've seen you succeed at everything you've ever done, but never, have I seen you be so naturally good at something like you are at being a great big sister. Don't ever doubt that." "Thanks, Daddy," I sighed and let my head rest on his shoulder. He kissed the crown of my head and let out a sigh. Silence was never how he spoke. "Do I really have gray hairs?" he whispered after a moment, and I couldn't help but laugh and shake my head. "And who is your date tonight, Edward?" some reporter questioned my Dad as he had his arm around my waist. "This is my daughter, Maya," he grinned and introduced me. "I asked her if she'd mind accompanying her old man to the Oscar's, and she told me she'd check her schedule. I was lucky enough to get the prettiest date here." "He bribed me with In-and-Out," I explained to the camera. The reporter laughed. I stood back as I watched my Dad work. He really was good at it, the whole being a 'movie star' thing. It suited him. He wasn't the guy who raised me, who let me eat apples in the grocery store while he shopped, or made faces with Mom yelled about something to make me laugh. Here, he was an actor, and it was amazing, to see that part of him. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" he asked as we posed for a few pictures. "I guess not," I shrugged. "You really are beautiful, meija," he gave me a smile and kiss on the forehead. "Stay away from Clooney." "Hey," Mom's voice sounded like water while I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. "It's getting pretty late." "Yeah," I sighed. "Want to give me some of whatever's weighing you down, novia?" she climbed into bed beside me. I was nineteen years old, and my mom still sat in bed with me. "I'm justhappy," I turned towards her and smiled. "I'm so happy it hurts." "I know what you mean," she chuckled. I held her hand. "Thank you, for everything," I turned back towards my ceiling. "For not letting me die seventeen years ago." "Thank you," she whispered, thumb dragging against my knuckles. "For not letting me die seventeen years ago." "It was in our song," I sighed. "A beautiful song," she affirmed. I listened until her breathing leveled, and I moved closer to her. She never knew that I remembered the times I'd wake up to her holding me, for no absolute reason except to make sure we were there, together the next morning. And she'd never know that I heard all the words she whispered in the dark, about when she was scared, or when she faked honor. But I did. I smelled strawberries, and remembered being a whale in the bathtub. I played with her hair, and listened for rain. It's rare, to know someone who would not just die for you, but live as well. The End 186