10 Essential Skills for Navigating Conflict

Click here to listen to the Reimagining Love podcast series that accompanies this worksheet.

Skill Description Exercise

1 Understanding Your Reflect on how the big people Complete the following (and discuss with your partner if you are in
Conflict Template handled disagreement, a relationship):
frustration, and disappointment - When I was little, I saw the big people in my home handle
when you were little. conflict by…
- When I was little and I did something that upset the big
people in my home, they responded to my behavior by…

Which of the following behaviors do you tend to move into during

conflict:
- Fight: feels like anger and outrage and looks like getting loud
- Flight: feels like fear and looks like walking away, refusing to
engage
- Freeze: feels like overwhelm and looks like going numb,
silent
- Fawn: feels like anxiety and looks like quick apologies,
agreeing with the other person, accommodating.

2 Distinguishing Every conflict has both lyrics and Lyrics: Which of the following topics tends to be most problematic,
Between the Lyrics music. tricky, or tender for you and your partner? Sex, money,
& the Music - Lyrics: The topic, the in-laws/extended family, parenting, domestic labor/chores
theme, the content Music: Which of the following choreographies captures your
- Music: The choreography, dynamic with your partner:
the form, the process. - Pursue/Pursue
- Pursue/Distance
- Distance/Distance

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3 Separating Research has found that a full Make an agreement that you will initially focus on just attempting
Problem-Discussion 69% of problems are not solvable to understand each other’s perspectives before, or instead of, trying
from (Gottman), so it’s vital to be able to fix the problem or eliminate the difference.
Problem-Solution to use active listening.
Commit to listening to understand rather than listening to respond
(which tends to be our default setting).

4 Adding Structure to Conversation involves moving Practice the Speaker-Listener technique:

Activate Empathy between speaking and listening. 1. Choose an object– a pen, a rock, the remote.
Each role has its own unique 2. Assign roles: one speaker and one listener.
challenges and responsibilities. 3. The speaker holds the rock. They have the floor. The speaker
Creating rituals for moving talks a bit about their experience of the problem. Short
intentionally and slowly between sentences. “I” statements. Avoiding blame. Digestible bits.
these roles can reduce 4. After a few statements, the listener reflects back what they
escalation and increase have heard. Not responding. Literally just reflecting back.
understanding. “What I’m hearing you say is, X, Y, Z. Am I getting that right?”
5. The speaker either says, “Yes, that’s it.” Or, if the listener didn’t
get it right, the speaker can say something like, “You’ve got
the first part right, but let me say the second part again
because I don’t think you quite understood.”
6. The speaker tries again. The listener reflects back again, and
checks to see if they’ve got it.
7. After a bit, call it 5-10 minutes, switch roles. When the
listener becomes the speaker, they are now speaking about
the problem from their perspective, and the listener is
reflecting back.

5 Hating the Moment, Conflict is painful because it See what happens when you try:
Not the Person takes us out of connection with - Being hard on the issue and soft on your partner. Explicitly
someone who matters convey your love, admiration, and respect– for their sake and
tremendously to us. your own!
- Being upset about the disconnection between you and your
partner rather than being upset at your partner.

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6 Adopting a “We” It is easy to get stuck in an Rather than, “You did this to me,” create a story that sounds more
Perspective adversarial position, and we need like this, “We get caught up in this pattern/cycle/dance. The more
tools to shift away from a “me you do X, the more I do Y, and round and round we go!”
versus you” perspective and into
a “you and me versus the See what happens if you try what Dr. Eli Finkel calls “The Marriage
problem” perspective. Hack.”
As you and your partner begin to escalate,
- Press pause and step away.
- Write about the conflict from the perspective of a neutral
third party who has both of your best interests at heart.

7 Avoiding Certain language choices reflect Resist the urge to use the following examples of intimacy-blocking
Intimacy-blocking how upset you are but also push language:
Language your partner further away, - Always and never
guaranteeing that you will not be - Name-calling and character assassination
seen, heard, or understood. - Arguing that others agree with you
- Guilt trips
- Absolutes or “shoulds”
- Kitchen sink
Celebrate like crazy when you opt instead for the
intimacy-promoting language of Skill #8!

8 Using Behind every criticism is an Practice making the following intimacy-promoting language
Intimacy-promoting unmet need. We need to learn to choices that are more likely to bring your partner closer:
Language verbalize our needs in a way that - “I” statements
invites collaboration and - XYZ statement (“When you did X, in situation Y, I felt Z”)
connection… even if it makes us - “The story I am telling myself is…”
blush or stammer! Vulnerability is - Personalized requests
hard and beautiful. - Criticism of someone’s actions, not their character
- Comments that stay on topic
- Requests for change that are clear and specific

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9 Offering Heartfelt A vital Relational Self-Awareness
Apologies question is, “What is the piece of Practice making a heartfelt apology. Make sure you include the
this conflict that I can take following elements:
accountability for and apologize 1. Take responsibility: “I did X”
for?” What is the kernel of truth in 2. Name the impact: “My action hurt you”
your partner’s perspective? 3. Bear witness: Ask, “Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” or
Identify this kernel of truth and ask “What was that like for you?”
own it completely. 4. Avoid “if”: For example, don’t say, “I’m sorry if I hurt you”
5. Avoid “but”: For example, don’t say, “But I didn’t mean it.”
Generally speaking, anything you say after the but negates
everything you said before the but.
6. Avoid passive voice: For example, don’t say, “I’m sorry if you
were offended.”
7. Avoid cross-complaining: For example, don’t say, “You did Y”
8. Offer an amends action or change: For example, say
something like, “I wonder if this would help going forward.”
Make sure it’s doable and that you can commit to it.

10 Forgiving and As Rabbi Kushner, author of Moving from conflict to connection requires both time and
Looking Ahead When Bad Things Happen to intention. Try the following:
Good People, says, “Are you - Identify something to do as a couple that is low risk, high
capable of forgiving and loving comfort. Go get coffee. Run errands. Watch a show together.
the people around you, even if - Name the tenderness and tentativeness: “I’m glad we are
they have hurt you and let you going for a walk even if we feel like we’re a little shaky still.”
down by not being perfect? Can - Reflect together on the process: What are you proud of
you forgive them and love them, about how you handled this frustrating experience with your
because there aren't any perfect partner? What are you proud of about how your partner
people around, and because the handled this frustrating experience with you? What went
penalty for not being able to love better than it would have 6 months ago or 2 years ago or last
imperfect people is condemning week? What went better than it would have gone in your
oneself to loneliness?” family of origin?

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