MARRIAGE AND FAMILY COUNSELING

--Rev. Paras Tayade

Family:
Traditional definitions:
Oxford dictionary: defines family in this way a group of people consisting of one set of
parents and their children whether living together or not. In wider sense any group of people
connect blood, marriage, adoption, etc.

George Murdock 1949: (American Anthropologist) A social group characterized by common

residence economic cooperation and reproduction it includes adults of both sexes at least of
two of whom maintain a socially approved sexual relation with one or more children own or
adopted, of the sexually co habiting adults.

Contemporary definitions:
Salvador Minuchin: Family is a group of people connected emotionally and/or by blood to
have live together long enough to develop patters of interaction and stories that justify and
explain those pattern and interaction.

Rita Sonawat: A unit of two or more person united by marriage, blood, adoption or consensual
in generally consisting of one single house hold interacting and communicating with each
other.

Anderson Sabatelli: There are certain pattern within the family that are common: four aspects:
- Identity formation:
- Socialization of family members: Teaching children how to behave in the society.
- Maintains of family boundaries: Acceptable within the boundaries.
- Promoting the health and welfare of the family members: Family life satisfaction.

Marriage:
John Witte: Marriage can essentially be approached by 4 perspectives:
1. Marriage as a Contract: Marriage is a contract, formed by the mutual consent of the
marital couple and the subject to their will and preference. It is voluntary
2. Marriage as a Spiritual association: It is subject creeds, courts, cultic, laws and
cannon of the religious community. It is the religious
3. Marriage as Social estate: It is subject special state laws of property inheritance and
the expectation of the local community. Social and legal
4. Natural institution: it is subject to the natural laws taught by the reason and
conscience nature and customs. Natural order
Definition of Marriage
Vijay Nagaswami: (Books: 24x7 Marriage; 50-50 Marriage)
“Marriage is a partnership, a contract between two consenting adults who are both in a state of
preparedness to make a commitment to facilitate each other’s growth and personal
development by creating a safe, loving, respectful and trusting space as a joint venture.”

The New Indian marriages:

1. It focuses on emotional fulfillment of both partner and not merely pro-creation or
recreation.
2. It is owned by both the partners in the marriage and not by anyone else.
3. It recognize two step of personal space.
4. It appreciate the fights issues and conflicts as inevitable when two individual engaged
in a closed and intense relationship.
5. Use relational processes to manage their fight issues and context.
6. Employees a zero tolerance towards abuse whether physical, verbal, sexual or
emotional.
7. Space adequate attention to the experience and expression of sexual and emotional
intimacy.
Emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, re-creational intimacy,
experiential intimacy, physical intimacy.
8. Believes and parent and children needs their own space and that each should rest outside
the marriage space.
9. Works towards transparent and honest communication styles.
10. Understand that divorce is a legitimate option (if the marriage does not work despite
the best efforts of both partners), but only final one.

Family Structure:
1. Socio economic
2. Urbanization
3. Roles/ power status
a) Gender
i. Position of women
ii. Age of man
b) Age
4. Family Relationship
a) Filial- Parent child relationship
b) Fraternal among siblings
c) Conjugal husband and wife
d) In law marriage
5. Family function
a) Society
b) Individual development
 c) Sub systems- Husband and wife having a proper relationship is important.
6. Family interaction
a) It is based on cohesion
b) Communication
c) Conflict resolution

What is family study?

Family study is a discipline that focus on family, the challenges they face and how to help them
to meet these challenges and improve their quality of life.
1. Parenting wellbeing: the satisfaction of being a parents.
2. Family relationship: intimacy, communication, boundaries, provision, etc.
3. Child wellbeing: personal development,

Parenting family relationship

wellbeing

Child wellbeing
Family wellbeing.

What is the unique aspect of Indian family?

Key issues in relation to Indian Family:
1. Collectivism vs. individualism:
a. Collectivism: Collective can be define as a way of life where in the emphasis is on
interdependence among the family members and the priority in such groups is on
family goals and values over individual.
b. Individualism: Emphasis on self-reliance independents, autonomy and personal
achievement.
(M.S. Gore and Tulsi Patel- Family counselor)
2. The Triangulation:
A two person system may be stable as long as it is come, but when anxiety increases is
immediately involves the most vulnerable other person to become triangle.
3. Parenting a mixture dyads:
A dyads is a two person system husband and wife, siblings or any other combination.
Family Rituals:
Wolin Bennet defines Family Rituals as, “Ritual remind us that communication can be
symbolic, that form gives meaning, that reputation promotes learning and the past embedded
in the present.”

Rituals within family can be divided into 3 aspects:

1. Family Celebration:
a. Religious politics
b. Cultural politics
2. Family Tradition:
a. Are less cultural but more unique to families.
b. They include aspect life, summer vacation, visit two and from extended family
members, anniversary and birthday customs.
c. By adherence to a specific tradition the family makes a statement about their
identity and values.
3. Family Routines:
a. Are most frequently in acted but least conscious planned
b. They improved actions at meal times bad routines for children and every day
greetings
c. Family routine strengthen the family function.

Five function of Rituals

1. Rituals makes change manageable. Ex. Marriage
2. Ritual facilitates the transmission of value and belief. Ex. Prayer before meal.
3. Rituals contributed to family identity. Ex. Christmas Celebration
4. Rituals provides support and containment for strong emotion. Ex. Funeral service
5. Ritual assured us for continuity

The Role of Faith in Marriages and Family

James Fowler (Faith Formation) defines, Faith as an integral, centering process, underling the
formation of beliefs values and meaning that-
1. It gives coherence and direction to people’s lives
2. Links them in a shared trust and loyalty with others
3. Ground the personal stance and communal loyalty in a sense of relatedness to a larger
frame of reference.
4. Enables them to face and deal with the limited condition of life reline upon that which
has the quality of ultimacy in their lives.
Commitment at 3 levels (Johnson & Hudson)
Structural
Three level of Commitment: Moral
1. Personal commitment (live-in relationship) Personal
2. Moral commitment
3. Structural commitment (arrange marriages)

There are 8 specific way religious Faith impacts inter faith marriage:
1. Sacred meaningful family rituals and practices unify the marriage and the family.
2. It gives them a strong belief system and the world view.
3. The view of god as the third called in their marriage which binds the couples to each
other with strong ties.
4. A specific belief in marriage as the religious institution that can and should lost.
5. A focus effort to find meaning in committing to marriage.
6. A desire to work to prevent problem in the relationship.
7. An ability to draw on Sacred believes and practices to resolve conflict.
8. Religious based motivation to work towards relational and reconciliation
Stanley Says “Commitment (to faith) is a choice to give up other choices”.

Biblical and Theological Foundation of Marriage and Family Life:

Four key themes in Systematic theology:
1) Creation 2) Fall 3) Redemption 4) Consummation

1. Creation: Gen 1 and 2 begin with marriage and revelation the concept of marriage.
a) Relationship instituted by God: (Gen 2: 20-25) Genesis account points to the
primary of marriage relationship about all other human bonds and to a profound
sense of personal attachment, symbolized, celebrated and nourished in the sexual
union the word to enjoy with one and other.
b) God’s gift of marriage is the part of the original plan and purpose for mankind
dating before the fall.
c) Marriage cannot be therefore be simply view as a means of curving man’s sinful
appetite. (As was thought by some of the early church father).
d) Gen: 2:25- openness and intimacy.
e) Gen 2:24- Triple image
a) Living: husband and wife after marriage they are the separate unit.
b) Cleaving: forming the unit. You also joint with the partners.
c) Becoming
2. Fall: Genesis 3:16;
1) The fall altered defaced Gods purpose.
2) The result was a breakdown in intimacy and trust between man and woman.
3) What had once been natural outflowing of a special relationship would now need worked
out. Like all other thing, the effort could go astray.
4) Rules and regulation are needed to govern protect and nature marriage.

3. Redemption: Ephesians 5:21-23:

1) In Christ God is working to bring creation back to his original intended state: Romans 8:22
2) Christ transforms marriage so that it once again reflects God and his plan for it.
3) Though we are in fall in world, Christ has redeemed it enough so that all can use human
marriage and sexuality as an illustration of the relationship between God and his people.

4. Consummation: Luke 20:34-36:

Theological Perspective of Marriage:

I] Concept of Covenant
1. Marriage and God’s nature:
Fundamental to the Christian understanding of God’s nature is the concept of relationship
express not only in the trinity but also in the knowability of God and the possibility of
divine human communion.

2. Marriage and God’s covenant (Covenant Theology): God relationship with his people
is often describe in covenant term and the same terms are used in Marriage.
1.1. The covenant was a mutual choosing, it was the reciprocal promise of exclusive
dedication and loyalty. Jeremiah 31: 31-34, Ezekiel 11:20, 14: 11.
i. A Covenant meant one is chosen for chooseness. Ex: 19:5, Deut 7: 7-8.
ii. A sense of belonging. Gal: 3:29
iii. Separateness. Ex 19:6, Lev 11:44-45.
iv. The aspect of knowledge. Not informational but relation. Jer1:5, Matt7:23.
v. Covenant means faithfulness and steadfast love. The relationship between the
covenant partners is express by “hesed”, the term that refers specially to love
that inspires loyalty and faithfulness.
vi. Whoever breaks the covenant ceases to be beneficiary of its provision/
promises. Duet 30: 21, Lev: 26. 13 times is used

Parallels between Marriage and Covenant:

1. Chosen-ness (Songs: 5:9)
2. Belonging (Gen: 2:23 and 24)
3. Separateness. (Gen 2:24)
4. Knowledge (Gen 4: 1 and 1 Cori: 6: 15-17)
5. Faithfulness and steadfast love. (Ephesians 5: 25-27)
Natali Weaver (Book: Marriage and family - A Christian theological Covenant)
A Covenant is based essentially on 3 ideas:
1. It points to a sacred reality since it was god who initiate the covenant.
2. It is based on active love. It require certain action from both parties.
3. Covenant is in-dissolvable (cannot be broken)

These ideas shape our understanding about Families:

1. Families are not only legal, social and cultural but sacred entity established by God
2. Families demonstrate love for mutual edification
3. Family ties cannot be dissolved

II] Concept of Grace

Unmerited favor of God in the context of Marriage and Family:
Grace includes Forgiveness and transformation and not only unmerited favour
• Grace is always a relational concept –
Paul Wendell states, “Nowhere are the splendors of grace more routinely experienced than
within the fabric of every day married and family life.”

III] Concept of Law

Balswick states,
1. Although the covenant of the grace rules out law as the basis for family relationship
family members living in grace except structure, form, patterns, orders and
responsibility in relationship.
2. In reality much of the daily routine family life must be perform according to agreed
rules, regularity and order.
3. For family to function in healthy manner rules need to be in place structure, patterns
and boundaries need to be maintain.
4. Love is always couple which structure, patterns and order. John: 14:15. Love and
obedience are not contradictory.
 PRE-MARITAL COUNSELLING

Importance of Pre-marital Counseling:

Premarital counselling is the education and supportive advice rendered to people
planning to marry. Premarital counselling mediates the shape of guidance and responses
to queries covenant to a wide array of issues.

What is the purposes of Premarital?

There are three premarital purpose:
1. Premarital counselling lays the foundation for the strong marital bound.
2. It helps the couples in better preparing for the adjustments that will happened after
marriage.
3. It is an opportunity to learn about each other and about one self.

Need for premarital counselling:

1. Not that previous marriages did not face the crises.
2. Today’s context is unique because of the changing situation – Gender roles are
changing, the level of anxiety and stress, multiple roles, multi-tasking, etc.

Key issues to be addressed in premarital counselling:

1. Family of origin-
It is the family where one has grown up. It is the place where people typically learn to
become who they are. From a family of origin, a person learns to communicate, process
emotions, form values and beliefs.
Vijay Nag Swamy states, we have a primary and fixed template.
1.1. Primary template- It is your perception of your parents’ marriage template that
determines how you have internalized your primary marriage template.
1.2. Marriage template- Marriage template is nothing but the way you think a marriage
should be conducted, the way you behave with your partners and the way you expect
the partner to behave with you. In other words, it is how to define a good husband and
wife relationship.

2. Adjustment issue:
2.1. I / We space: ‘I’ refers to recognizing the fact that each partner in a relationship is
entitled to have their own baggage of attitudes, believes, likes and dislikes, prejudices
and interest that are you need an individual.
‘We’ space can be defined in five Questions:
1. How much do you value your marriage and your partner?
2. How much priority are you willing to give to your marriage and your partner?
3. How much time are you willing to give your partner for your marriage?
 4. How much are you willing to share of yourself? (Self-disclosers)
5. How well your able to establish boundaries between marriage space & family space

3. Communication: there are nine aspect in communication.

1. Communication requires time (anything that occupies your time is important to you)
2. Listen to your partner, what he/she saying.
3. Talk to each other, not at each other.
4. Talk through the issue not around it.
5. Communication is not always about solution (its about being open to each other)
6. Men and women are Communicate differently.
7. Communication is not always about agreement
8. The use of ‘I’ and ‘You’ words.
9. Avoid words like “Never” or “Always”.

4. Finances: Four basic aspect to be dealt with in marriages.

1. Work after marriage
2. Who handles the finances
3. How will decisions be taken.
4. Who sets the priority, about where the finances needs to be channelized.

5. Sexuality: Give them Good literature (books) to read.

6. Conflict resolution: Enable the couple to develop skills to fight fear.
7. The Issue of Children:
8. The issue of religion and spirituality: Church involvement and daily faith practices.

Five Parts of Pre-Marital Counseling:

1. Per-marriage education: where are you going as a couple? How can you walk
together? It provides an opportunity for a couple to work consciously towards the viable
system of coping with areas that requires understanding from a couple rather than an
individual’s point of view.

2. Per-marriage assessment: This stage builds on the pervious stage. It is an assessment

for preparedness of the couple for marriage. It is an awareness for the strength and
weaknesses of the couple.
Necessary assessment list:
a) Couples need to have a Non-negotiable list (max 3 points)
b) Necessary List (Max 4 or 5 aspects to experience greater intimacy)
c) Desirable List (Its an negotiable list)
3. Pre-marriage counselling:
Some specific areas of difficulties which needs o be addressed at this stage –
3.1. In adequate expression of feeling. Ex anger, silence
3.2. Poor anger management or conflict resolution skills.
3.3. Confusion about the place of sex in marriage
3.4. Lack of knowledge about household management
3.5. Baggage from previous marriage
3.6. Marriage as a form of escapism.
At this stage pastors/ counselor’s role and skills are very important. We should not only
identify the weakness but also encourage the strengths. Solution Brief Therapy (SBT)
rather than focus on the problem, focus on the strengths that the couple have.

4. Spiritual preparation:
4.1. It’s important to speak of faith aspect and spirituality
4.2. Explain the role of faith in marriage.
4.3. Educate them but don’t evangelism them

5. The wedding Event itself: It’s a sacred aspect and not merely a function.

CHALLENGES AND ISSUES RELATED TO THE PRESENT FAMILY LIFE

1. Work Life balance: is a very broad and complex phenomena, it has no universal
definition. Green Haus defines, “Work life balance has the extent to which an individual
is equally engaged in and equally satisfied with his/ her work role and family role”.

Three components of Work life balance:

1.1. Time balance refers to equal time being given to both work and family.
1.2. Involvement balance refers to equal levels of psychological involvement in both
work and family roles.
1.3. Satisfaction balance refers to equal level of satisfaction in both work & family roles

2. Work life conflict: Work life conflict happens at two levels:

2.1. Work to family conflict - It occurs when an unhealthy balance exists which forces
a person to place work demands about and beyond the needs of the family.
Examples:
a) Time based conflict (overtime v/s child’s performance)
b) Energy based conflict (Tiring day at office)
c) Behavior based: Things that happen in the work place brought into family life.

2.2. Family to work conflict –

It occurs when situations at work are brought into the family life.
 Work Life Balance Aspects:
1. The instrumental aspect – It focuses on how positive skills, behavior and rewards
from one domain (such as income, learning how to manage people or solving problems)
can help one perform better in another domain.

2. The Affective aspect – It focuses on the degree to which moods and emotions from
one domain can seek in and positively impact how one feels, acts and behaves in another
domain.

PARENTING

The 3 common parenting practices in the world:

1. Ensuring children’s health and safely.
2. Preparing children for life as productive adults.
3. Transmitting cultural values (socialization).

Some of the major factors affecting Parenting:

1. The mature personality of the parents
2. The stable and intimate marital relationship of the parents:
3. Parent’s motivation for having a child, why we want to have a child

Two elements of Parenting:

1. Parental responsiveness: It refers to the extent to which parent’s intentionally foster
individuality, self-regulation and self-assertion by being attune, supportive and in touch
with the child’s special need and demands.
2. Parental demandingness: It refers to the claims parents make on children to become
integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary
efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys.

Four Styles of Parenting:

1. Indulgent parenting: Raja Rani Parenting
i) It is also referred to as permissive parenting or non-directing parenting.
ii) Indulgent parenting is more responsive and is less demanding.
iii) It rarely disciplines, very lenient in its approach and avoids confrontation.
iv) It is generally nurturing and communicates well.
v) Parents are more like friends than parents.
 How do children and adolescence from Indulgent family grow?
a) They demonstrate behavioral issue in particular to authorities
b) They have high self-esteem
c) Children who come Indulgent families shows better social skills
d) They experience the lower level of depression
e) They demonstrate high level of self-centeredness

2. Authoritarian Parenting style:

1. Authoritarian parenting is high on demands but low on responsiveness.
2. It provides a well-ordered and structured environment with clearly stated rules.
3. Though rules are well stated they fail to explain the reasoning behind the rules.
Ex: Parents say, You will do this because I say so

How do children in Authoritarian Parenting respond?

a) Usually they do not demonstrate problem behavior because they are comfortable
with rules and regulations
b) They have poor social skills (confidence, ability to interact with others)
c) They possess a lower self-esteem because they are always told what to do.
d) They are obedient and proficient but they always need direction
e) They lack confidence in decision making since they have always been told what to
do

3. The Authoritative Parenting style:

3.1. An Authoritative parenting is both demanding and responsive.
3.2. It establishes rules and guidelines and explains the rationale behind those rules.
3.3. When rule are broken they are firm but nurturing.

How do children in Authoritative Parenting respond?

a) They are socially adoptable and instrumentally competent
b) They are confident, contend, responsible and independent.

4. Uninvolved Parenting:
4.1. Uninvolved parents are low on responsiveness and low on demands.
4.2. They may fulfill child’s basic needs but are generally detached from their child life.
4.3. In extreme cases it can amount to abuse (neglect)

How do children in Uninvolved Parenting respond?

a) They perform poorly in most domains
b) Most rank lowest across all life domains (Education, married life, etc)
c) Lack self-control and have low self-esteem.
d) May become hostile, insecure and rebellious.
Characteristic of Good Parenting:
i. Love and affections – It results in security and self-identity
ii. Skillful communicators – They are good in listening and speaking
iii. Ability to manage stress:
iv. Respect of autonomy – Encouraging, self-dependent.
v. Positive roles models – Good parenting is all about setting an example

Characteristic of Bad Parenting:

i. Being arrogant to children
ii. Breaking promises / breaking your word
iii. Satisfying all their demand - more u give more they demand (delay gratification)
iv. Never letting children no hardship, difficulties and struggles
v. Extreme of Pushing children to hard.

INTERFAITH MARRIAGE

The 3 reasons for increase in Inter-faith marriages:

1. The percentage of religious group in total population
2. The importance of barriers to interact within the local community
3. the intensity of group identity and group life combined with the amount of emphasis
put on the importance of in group marriage

Effects of interfaith marriage on the couple:

1. Once spouse can convert to another faith or religion
2. Both can convert to a neutral religion
3. Both can continue to maintain separate religion
4. Both can drop out of any religious involvement

Issues in Interfaith marriage:

1. Lack of family support
2. The issue of parenting
3. The lack of frame work to understand life

Two key responses of Pastor/ care giver in Interfaith Marriage:

1. Need to start educating young people before they reach the age of marriage
2. Once the couple is married be supportive.
 DOMETIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence/ spousal abuse/ partner battering/ intimate partner violence
Has a pattern of abusive behavior by one partner against another in an intimate relationship
such as marriage, dating, family or cohabitation.

Five Myths about Domestic Violence:

1. Domestic violence is the problem of the lower caste
2. Domestic violence does not cast any serious injury
3. Women do not suffer for long
4. Women choose to stay in abusing relationship
5. Wife’s battering has no effect on children

Why women chose to stay in an abusive relationship:

1. Economic reasons
2. Issue of children
3. Societal shame
4. Fear of life
5. Learned helplessness (behavior modification)
6. Intermittent reinforcement

Four types of domestic violence:

1. Physical abuse
2. Sexual abuse
3. Emotional abuse: controlling the other person through humiliation
4. Economic abuse

Pastoral response in Domestic Violence:

1. Listen carefully
2. Believe what the victim says
3. Don’t try to spiritualized the issue
4. Have the authority get involved
5. Provide a safe house
6. Primary concern should be the safety of the victim

Dont’s in Pastoral Response:

1. You don’t tell her what to do Ex. Leave your husband
2. You don’t tell her to go back and try harder
3. Don’t tell her to stay back for the sake of children
4. Don’t blame her for the violence
5. Don’t tell her, I will talk to your husband about it.
 PATRIARCHY
John Chittister says, Patriarchy as a structure rests on four interlocking principle.
It takes the biological differences, imposes hierarchy, domination, power and justifies all of it
in the name of intrinsic inequality.
1. Dualism: male and female is dualism.
2. Hierarchy: this dualism is converted into hierarchy
3. Domination: In this structure men have the right to dominate women
4. Inequality: Because men can dominate women. Men are better than women.

Four aspect of patriarchy

1. Religion: religion often validate men over women across the board
2. Family structure: gender is very important.
3. Society: society has a mindset wherein women are blame for everything.
4. Gender stereotypes: gender is a culturally constructed aspect.

Patriarchy and intimate violence (Mth lecture notes)

It comes from the Greek word. Means the rule of father.

Three major religion
1. Hinduism- In Bhagavad Gita women as consider as property. In Hinduism women are
consider as unclean.
2. Islam- Men are superior to women in Quran.
3. Christianity- bible is dominated by male.
3.1.Church
Patriarchy and society- In every society Patriarchy it differs.

Patriarchy and family-

Patriarchy and matriarchy- is a social system were women are control.

Patriarchy and reality

1. Not all men are Patriarchal in nature
2. They are the self- Patriarchy

Draw back for Patriarchy

1. Glass-celling effect
2. Sexiest- women are consider as inferior
3. Misooppiny- hated of women
Intimate violence/ domestic violence
1. Physical abuse
2. Emotional/ psychological
3. Controlling behavior

Basic guidelines for ethic counselling

1. Listen
2. We have to treat our client with respect
3. Avoid advice giving

Some of approaches for treating domestic violence

1. Joining- built a rapport
2. Unconditional positive regards
3. Empathy
4. Solution
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-
Family structure Therapy
Family: A set of people living together
System: A family is a complex of whole
Therapy: Treatment of mental of psychological
Family as a system with interlocking relationship:
1. Differentiation of self: it is about personality. What is differentiation of the self?
1.1. Cognition
1.2. Emotions
1.3. Behaviors
REBT- Rational Emotions Behavior Therapy. According to Bowen we have to go more
Cognition rather than the Emotions, than we will become less problematic, less stress
and less emotions.
2. Undifferentiated person and differentiate person:
Undifferentiated person Differentiate person
If the person is the If the person is the differentiated, then
Undifferentiated, then he is he is capable of object thinking.
incapable of object thinking.

Fusion Less fusion

Intellectual is feeling and emotion
(sad, happy, etc.)
What feels right What things right
Live in a feeling controlled world Rather than the thinking

3. Low level of differentiation and high level of differentiation

3.1. They less flexible- and easily stress into dis-function
3.2. Every family have own value in a society
3.3. Able to balance between thinking and feeling
3.4. The capable of strong emotion. We objective rather than subjectivity.
4. Triangulation
5. Nuclear family emotions process
Father, mother and children. It is a single generation.
6. The family projection process
6.1. Parent’s immaturity towards the third persons.

The principle of structure family therapy (Mth)

How, when and whom to relate