HOW TO BE AN ADULT IN RELATIONSHIP

What’s the secret to a long-lasting, loving relationship? Therapist and self-

help author David Richo says the secret is mindful loving—a compassionate,
realistic approach to love based on the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. In How
to Be an Adult in Relationships, Richo explains how mindful loving can improve
your emotional health, your relationships, and the world you live in.

In this guide, you’ll learn about the foundations of mindful loving, how to
overcome the emotional wounds that hold you back from loving yourself and
others mindfully, and how to use it to build a successful, healthy relationship…
and eventually, a better world. We’ll supplement Richo’s ideas with actionable
advice from other relationship experts, and we’ll dive more deeply into some of
the spiritual and psychological concepts underlying Richo’s arguments.

Second, Richo says that when your childhood cravings for love go
unfulfilled, you may grow up to seek out partners who you think will make
up for your parents’ shortcomings. For example, if your parents didn’t engage
with you enough, you might find yourself attracted to a person who pays you a
lot of attention—maybe even too much.

According to Richo, this can lead to codependency—an over-reliance on

your partner to fulfill too many of your needs. Codependency can put undue
stress on your relationship: Your partner can’t live up to your expectations or
meet all your needs—that is your responsibility in adulthood. When your needs
inevitably go unfulfilled, you may feel angry and create conflict with your
partner.

(Shortform note: According to psychologists, parent-child dynamics

between partners are unhealthy because they lead to resentment. If you’re in the
parent role, you may feel that your partner is incompetent and take on most of
the responsibility in your relationship. As a result, you might come to resent your
partner for not doing their fair share. If you’re in the child role, you inevitably
give up some of your autonomy—for example, if your partner buys all your
clothes, you won’t have as much of a say in what you wear. As a result, you
might come to resent your partner for being too controlling.)

Third, a lack of mindful love in your childhood can leave you feeling
fearful of intimacy in adulthood. Since your parents’ love caused you pain, you
might be afraid that romantic love will have the same effect. Richo explains that
a fear of intimacy usually takes one of two forms: attachment or distance:

 You might get too attached to your partner if your parents were
absent in major ways during your childhood—even if it was for a
necessary reason, like having to take frequent business trips.
According to Richo, overattachment makes you cling to your
partner because you’re afraid you can’t handle the potential end of
the relationship.
 You might be too distant from your partner if your parents
mistreated or abused you—you might now associate intimacy with
being dominated, hurt, or exploited. As a result, you might be afraid
that the relationship will limit your freedom and security, and you
might pull away from your partner.

Your Attachment Style Determines How You Cope With

Intimacy Fears

Recall that secure attachment is what enables you to feel reliably safe and
connected enough for intimate relationships. If you don’t have a secure
attachment style, then you have an insecure attachment style: You’re fearful of
intimacy because your previous relationships taught you that you can’t trust
your loved ones to reliably be there for you.

Insecure attachment is fairly common, but it can be difficult to recognize

because it comes in different forms. Psychologists generally suggest that there
are three insecure attachment styles, which cope with fear of intimacy in
different ways.

 If you distance yourself from your partner, you likely have an avoidant
attachment style. You may feel uncomfortable being emotionally
 vulnerable, need extra personal space, and prioritize your independence
over a committed relationship.
 If you get too attached to your partner, you likely have an ambivalent
attachment style. You may struggle with feelings of insecurity and
jealousy, have a hard time maintaining healthy relationship boundaries,
and prioritize your relationship to the point of neglecting other major
parts of your life.

 If you often find yourself sabotaging or ending your relationships

prematurely, you may have a disorganized attachment style. As a result of
childhood trauma or abuse, people with a disorganized attachment
style crave yet repel intimacy because they’re deeply afraid that intimacy
inevitably leads to serious harm. They may pursue relationships but
behave erratically and withdraw to avoid the possibility of getting hurt.

How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Grow Emotionally

Richo says that you can overcome your childhood wounds and reach
emotional maturity by learning to mindfully love yourself. Loving yourself
leads to maturity because it gives you a strong sense of self-worth and a sense
of responsibility for meeting your own needs. (Shortform note: This process—
giving yourself the love your parents couldn’t—is commonly known
as reparenting yourself. Reparenting yourself involves, essentially, treating
yourself like a parent should treat their child: keeping them safe, loved, and
equipped with the skills and support they need to thrive. As you take care of this
“inner child,” you’ll heal her wounds—and will stop repeating unhealthy patterns
and behaviors that stemmed from an impulse to soothe your inner child’s
pain. Instead, you’ll start to make rational, adult decisions that are good for you.)

Richo suggests three key self-love practices that can help you
mature: recognizing your inherent lovability, setting healthy boundaries with
others, and compassionately validating yourself.
Self-Love Practice #1: Recognize Your Inherent Lovability

Recall that Richo says that all living things—including you—are inherently
lovable. According to Richo, it’s important to see yourself as inherently
lovable because this helps you treat yourself with love. You’ll be more
inclined to take good care of yourself—for example, by speaking to yourself
kindly—and less inclined to accept unloving treatment from anyone, yourself
included.

Self-Love Practice #2: Set Healthy Boundaries With Others

While it was your parents’ job to keep you safe as a child, in adulthood
that responsibility is yours alone. Richo says that to protect yourself from
physical and emotional harm, you have to learn to set healthy
boundaries. Boundaries are the expectations you have about the kinds of
behavior you will and won’t tolerate from others. For example, if you’re
monogamous, you might not be comfortable with your partner flirting with
other people. Before you can be ready for a relationship, you should have a
general sense of what your boundaries are and feel capable of enforcing them.

(Shortform note: In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab says
that setting boundaries is a three-step process: First, identify your standards for
how people should treat you physically and socially. Then, clearly communicate
your boundaries during uncomfortable situations. Finally, reinforce your
boundaries by restating them when they’re violated and setting consequences
for repeat offenses.)

Self-Love Practice #3: Compassionately Validate Yourself

Richo’s third practice for reaching emotional maturity is facing your
childhood wounds with compassionate validation: Acknowledge the ways you
were hurt and underloved in childhood, and lovingly address your own pain. This
process shows you that your parents’ inability to love you well was not your fault
—that in fact, you deserve and are capable of receiving love from those
who know how to love well, including yourself. As a result, your sense of self-
worth and your self-efficacy—your ability to meet your own needs and advocate
for yourself—increase.
  Remember the painful things that have happened to you.
 Fully feel the complicated emotions, like sorrow and fear, that
accompanied those experiences.
 Be grateful that your childhood wounds made you resilient.
 Forgive those who hurt you and extend compassion to others who are in
pain.

Tips From Trauma Experts on Healing Your Childhood Wounds

Healing from your childhood wounds can be a long, complicated, and

painful process, especially if your wounds are severe and extensive. To help you
make the most of Richo’s advice for healing, we’ve compiled advice from trauma
experts that you can apply to each step of the process:

1. You can avoid getting bogged down by difficult feelings, which can lead to
depression, by giving yourself some extra TLC and accepting care from
others as you heal. Psychologists recommend talking to your loved ones
about your feelings, taking good care of yourself physically, and
connecting with those with similar experiences by joining support groups
or reading others’ stories of grief and healing.
2. You do have to remember your own pain in order to heal—but with severe
trauma, it’s also necessary to have others witness and respond
compassionately to your pain. If you experienced childhood trauma, you
may want to seek out a therapist who can help you process your
memories without getting overwhelmed.
3. If you had traumatic childhood experiences, you might be afraid of feeling
your feelings. If that’s the case, grounding exercises, which help you feel
safe and connected to your present reality, may help you overcome that
fear.
4. Although Richo says you should be grateful that your wounds made you
resilient, some psychologists argue that trauma doesn’t actually build
resilience—it undermines it. Instead of attributing your resilience to
trauma, try taking a more proactive approach to increasing it by working
on your mental health and establishing support systems for yourself.
5. Richo says you should forgive those who hurt you because forgiveness
and love for your adversaries are important ideas in the Buddhist
 tradition, but some psychologists note that forgiveness requires working
through the issue with the person who hurt you, which isn’t always
possible. If you can’t forgive, that’s OK—you can still move on by
processing your feelings and giving yourself time to heal.

The Mature Approach to Choosing the Right Partner

According to Richo, once you’ve emotionally matured and learned to

love yourself, you’ll be ready for a healthy relationship. You’ll only want
what’s good for you—so you’ll take time to consider whether a new
relationship would be healthy before you commit to it. As a result, you’ll
have stronger relationships from the get-go.

To take an emotionally mature approach to determining whether a potential

partner is right for you, Richo recommends you take into account three factors

1. Compatibility: Determine whether you and your love interest have

compatible values and life goals.

Shortform note: In most long-term relationships, compatibility shifts over

time for two reasons: First, you’re both putting your best foot forward in
the early stages, so you might not notice some incompatibilities right
away. Second, people change—and so do their values and goals.
According to some experts, relationships thrive when couples stay
committed to loving each other despite changes in compatibility—so a
compatible level of commitment may be the most important thing to be on
the lookout for.)
2. Availability: Determine whether you and your love interest have the
capacity for trust, intimacy, and commitment, and whether you’re located
near enough to each other to sustain a relationship in person.

(Shortform note: In long-distance relationships, it can be hard to maintain

trust, communication, and intimacy; but that doesn’t mean long-distance
relationships are destined to fail. Usually, it just takes some extra work to
ensure both partners feel securely connected to each other.)
 3. Maturity: Determine whether you and your love interest are emotionally
mature or willing to work on maturing together—if either of you are in the
throes of addiction, mentally ill, violent, or desperate for a relationship to
complete you, Richo says you should prioritize resolving those issues
before you start dating.
(Shortform note: You may feel like you need to have all your issues
figured out before you can have a healthy relationship, but that’s not the
case. According to researchers, most people develop the relationship skills
they need during the course of their relationships by practicing with their
partners and giving each other room to grow.)

Part 3: How Mindful Love Strengthens and Sustains Relationships

Once you have the emotional maturity to be a good partner

and find a good partner, Richo says, you’ll create relationships that are
not only strong but also continue to help you heal and mature.

Mindfully Loving Relationships Encourage You to Grow

Richo says that mindfully loving relationships encourage

psychological growth in three ways: They provide the opportunity to
process your issues, make compassionate validation possible, and improve
your self-esteem.

Growth Factor #1: Relationships Provide Opportunities for Processing

Mindfully loving relationships are a space where you can explore and
overcome the consequences of your childhood wounds. Richo explains that
during the course of a relationship, you and your partner will inevitably trigger
old memories of emotional pain. When this happens between two mindful
adults, you can healthily address the conflict and the inner turmoil that has
followed you from childhood into adulthood.

For example, if your partner snaps at you because the house is a mess, you
might be upset—not just because your partner snapped at you, but also
because it reminds you of all the times your parents snapped at you as a kid. If
you’re both mindfully loving, you can process and work through it: You tell your
partner how it makes you feel when they snap at you, and they validate your
feelings. Then, together, you figure out healthier ways to deal with conflict in the
future.

Shortform note: When your partner triggers your childhood wounds, you may
experience intense negative emotions and the impulse to lash out. Since lashing
out can damage your relationship, learning how to better cope with triggers
benefits you and your partner. One thing psychologists recommend when you’re
triggered is to ask your partner to give you some space so you can process your
feelings and figure out a rational approach to the conflict.)

Growth Factor #2: Relationships Provide Compassionate Support

Richo says that in addition to helping you work through your childhood
wounds, your partner can support you through your adult wounds. For
example, if you feel hurt after the end of a friendship, your partner might invite
you to express that pain and make an effort to show you some extra affection
when you need it. Compassionate validation from your partner ensures that you
don’t feel alone and overwhelmed in your pain—instead, you feel connected and
supported, which makes pain more tolerable.

(Shortform note: Compassionate support doesn’t just reduce emotional pain—it

has a positive physical effect, too. Research demonstrates that emotional
support from a romantic partner can help you tolerate pain better, make you
feel less stressed, and influence you to make healthier choices for yourself. So, in
the long run, receiving compassionate support from your partner can help you
live longer.)

Growth Factor #3: Relationships Improve Your Self-Esteem

Intimate relationships also improve your self-esteem because when
someone shows a romantic interest in you, it proves to you that you’re lovable.
And, as the relationship deepens, you reveal your flaws and weaknesses, and
you continue receiving your partner’s love, you’ll affirm that you’re worthy of love
regardless of your imperfections.

Shortform note: Partners, friends, and other loved ones boost your self-
esteem by opening your eyes to your own good qualities with praise,
encouragement, or acceptance of who you are. These boosts can help assuage
your insecurities, but ultimately, your self-esteem comes down to how you feel
about yourself. So, while your mindfully loving partner should contribute to your
self-esteem to some extent, it’s important that you work on accepting yourself
regardless of what others think of you.)

Mindful Loving Helps Your Relationship Withstand Change

In addition to supporting your healthy changes, mindful loving helps

you withstand changes. Richo argues that all successful relationships happen in
three phases—the honeymoon phase, the discordant phase, and the devotion
phase. Mindful loving enables you to navigate and transition between
these phases and transition between them in a way that makes your
relationship stronger.

(Shortform note: Richo claims that there are three phases, but other experts say
there could be as many as four or five if you count your initial attraction to each
other and the peaceful period between the honeymoon and discordant phases.
Across these different formulations, however, the general trend of the
relationship is the same: You meet, fall in blissful love, gradually get to know
each other better as you overcome conflict together, and maintain a steady
commitment.)

Mindful Loving in the Honeymoon Phase

In the honeymoon phase, romance is at a high and you express
mindful love easily. You act like the best version of yourself, and so does your
partner, so you’re both swept away by the illusion that your partner is perfect or
nearly perfect. As a result, it’s easy for you and your partner to practice
Gratitude, Respect, Engagement, Attention, and Tenderness (GREAT) with each
other and affirm one another’s inherent lovability. This helps you build a
mutually loving foundation upon which the rest of the relationship can rest.

(Shortform note: Neuroscientists say that the high you experience during the
honeymoon stage is caused by physiological changes in your brain. You’re so
enthralled by your partner that just looking at or thinking about them activates
the chemicals in your brain responsible for desire, connection, and euphoric
feelings. That’s why it’s so easy to practice the GREAT model with each other in
this stage—these neurochemicals make you feel good, so you’re motivated to
keep being intimate with your partner.)
Mindful Loving in the Discordant Phase
Richo says that you and your partner will inevitably leave the
honeymoon stage and enter the discordant phase when you begin to have
conflict with each other. In this stage, you’ll see each other as flawed for the first
time.

According to Richo, conflict can be resolved more easily and strengthen your
relationship if you approach it in a mindfully loving way: as an opportunity
to get to know and accept each other more fully.

(Shortform note: The mindfully loving approach to conflict doesn’t just

strengthen your relationship—it also supports your physical health. Studies
show that if conflict happens too often or for too long in your relationship, it may
lead to chronic stress. Stress can make you sick—it lowers your immunity to
illnesses, causes inactive health issues to flare up, and can result in chronic pains
like frequent headaches. In contrast, couples who resolve conflict in a healthy,
timely way are healthier in the long run.)

To resolve conflicts in a mindfully loving way, Rico says you have to put
your ego aside and focus on cooperating with your partner instead of on
winning the argument. More specifically, you and your partner should listen to
and validate each other’s feelings about the conflict, practicing each of the five
components of the GREAT model all the while.

For example, say that your partner is upset with you because they feel like they
do more of the household chores than you. To practice the GREAT model in this
situation, you could:

 ngage with them by giving them your full attention while you talk about
the issue.

 Express gratitude, thanking them for everything they do around the

house.
 Express tenderness by giving them a hug while you thank them.
 Express gratitude, thanking them for everything they do around the
house.
 Show that you respect their time, feelings, and effort by suggesting (and
sticking to) a plan to more evenly share the workload.
(Shortform note: One popular strategy for mindful conflict resolution is to use “I”
statements—statements that focus on your feelings rather than the other
person’s actions. “I” statements allow you to express yourself without placing the
blame for your feelings on your partner, which can lead to further conflict and
resentment. For example, in the above scenario, your partner might say, “I feel
overwhelmed by the amount of housework I do” instead of accusing you of not
doing enough, which will elicit a more positive response from you.)

Mindful Loving in the Devotion Phase

In the devotion phase, you commit to maintaining a healthy relationship
and loving each other fully—imperfections and all. According to Richo, mindful
loving is key to the devotion phase because it helps you give each other the
grace you’ll need to stay together through life changes. There will be times in
each of your lives when you need to receive more love than you’re capable of
giving. For example, if you become seriously ill, you’ll be more reliant on your
partner’s support, and you won’t have the energy to return the same amount of
support

If you want your relationship to last, you’ll both need to keep in mind that your
partner is still deserving of your love even when they’re not at their best.

(Shortform note: Grace helps you reach the devotional stage of relationships, but
psychologists warn that repeatedly having to give your partner grace—with no
resulting change in their behavior—is a red flag of abuse, especially when their
behavior harms you. Keep in mind that grace doesn’t entitle your partner to
violate your boundaries. It’s a reciprocal commitment to support each other
through tough times and give one another room to grow.)

Mindful Loving Hel According to Richo,

mindful loving helps you recognize when it’s time to end a

relationship. He says that it’s time to break up when the relationship is no
longer viable because the seriousness of your issues surpasses your or your
partner’s ability to deal with them—continuing the relationship would hurt you
or your partner.ps You End Relationships Gracefully
(Shortform note: To make letting go easier for both you and your ex, take
mindfully loving (GREAT) actions during your breakup. For example, to show
respect, break up with your ex in person as soon as you realize it’s over. During the
breakup, you can also engage with and affirm your ex by having an honest
conversation about both of your feelings—that way, both of you can walk away
with a better understanding of the relationship and why it ended, which will help
you process and grieve.)