12 Personal statement examples + analysis

If you’re applying to college, you’ll most likely need to write a personal statement as part of your college application.
(And please note that the personal statement examples below are for undergraduate applications—if you’re trying to
find grad school statement of purpose examples, please head to that link.)

But before diving into analyzing some great personal statement examples, it helps to get some context on what a
personal statement actually is, and what writers should plan to include when writing their own personal statement.

So…

WHAT IS A PERSONAL STATEMENT?

It’s the main essay required by the Common Application as well as most other application systems. They basically
require you to answer some version of the question “Who are you, and what do you value?” And in recent years, the
main Common Application essay has become more and more important in colleges’ decision making process,
especially as many colleges are relying less and less on standardized test scores.

WHY READ PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLES?

In our work with students, we often encourage students to review examples of personal statements to get a sense of
what a great essay might look like and to just generally share a wide range of topics, structures, and writing styles so
that they can see what’s possible when writing this essay. In this spirit, we’re sharing 12 of our favorite examples from
the past few years. We’ve also included analysis for what makes them outstanding to (hopefully) help you uplevel your
own essay.

WHAT SHOULD A PERSONAL STATEMENT INCLUDE?

The personal statement should demonstrate the qualities, skills, and values that you’ve cultivated over your life and
how those skills have prepared you for attending college. I (Ethan) have spent the last 15 years answering this question,
which you can learn more about in my free 1-hour guide.

In our opinion, a great personal statement example has 4 qualities. After reading the essay, you can identify whether
your essay or topic show each of the four qualities by asking yourself the questions below:

1. Values: Can you name at least 4-5 of the author’s core values? Do you detect a variety of values, or do the
values repeat?
2. Vulnerability: Does the essay sound like it’s mostly analytical or like it’s coming from a deeper, more
vulnerable place? Does it sound like the author wrote it using mostly his or her head (intellect) or his or her
heart and gut? After reading the essay, do you know more about the author AND feel closer to him or her?
3. Insight: Can you identify at least 3-5 “so what” moments of insight in the essay? Are these moments kind of
predictable, or are they truly illuminating?
4. Craft: Do the ideas in the essay connect in a way that is logical, but not too obvious (aka boring)? Can you tell
that the essay represents a series of carefully considered choices and that the author spent a lot of time revising
the essay over the course of several drafts?

Want a more thorough guide on how to write a personal statement? We’ve got you covered.

Let’s read some essays.

TABLE OF CONTENTS
(click to scroll ahead)

Note that almost none of these students actually titled their essays; for the Table of Contents, I’ve simply titled them
based on their first line or general topic.
 Example #1 - The Tally on My Uniform
 Example #2 - Quattro Lingue
 Example #3 - 12
 Example #4 - Flying
 Example #5 - Arab Spring in Bahrain
 Example #6 - Poop, Animals and the Environment
 Example #7 - Entoptic Phenomena
 Example #8 - The Builder & Problem Solver
 Example #10 - The Little Porch and a Dog (With Spanish Translation)
 Example #10 - Life As an Undocumented Student
 Example #11 - Umbra
 Example #12 - Angry brown girl, feminist, singer, meme lover
PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #1
THE TALLY ON MY UNIFORM
Day 19: I am using my school uniform as a slate to tally the days. As the ink slowly seeps through the fabric of my
shirt, I begin to understand that being a conscious Arab comes with a cost.

Flashback.

Day 7: I come across a live stream on social media, 1,200 Palestinian political prisoners are on their seventh day of a
hunger strike against the Israeli occupation. It is the first I have heard of its occurrence. I allow myself to follow the
news daily through social media while regional mainstream media and our local news channels refrain from reporting
any news of the strike.

Day 13: I am engulfed by the cry for justice. I feel helplessly overwhelmed, not wanting to confront reality, but I force
myself to anyway; actively searching, refreshing my phone to tune into live streams from protests, plugging in
“Palestinian hunger strike” on the search engine to stay connected to the cause.

Day 18: No one else seems to know anything about what is going on. I am compelled to find a way to embody the
struggle. In my first period class, I see a marker beside the whiteboard. I pick it up, not sure what I’m going to do, but
then hear myself asking my classmates to each draw a vertical line on my shirt. It seems funny at first--they laugh,
confused. But each time the marker touches the fabric it tells a story. It is a story of occupied countries, a story in
which resisting apartheid becomes synonymous with criminality, a story we refuse to address because we have grown
too apathetic to value life beyond our borders. As my classmates draw the tally, together we tell the story of the hunger
strike and mourn the distance human beings have created between each other.

Day 20: My uniform has become a subject of question. Each pair of eyes that fix their gaze on the ink, I share the story
of our Palestinian compatriots. The initial responses are the same: disbelief, followed by productive conversation on
our moral responsibility to educate ourselves on the conflict.

Day 28: Each day the strike continues, I have asked my classmates to draw another line on the tally. While it still
comes across as unsettling, it seems to no longer represent the reality of the hunger strike. My classmates are no
longer interested in what it means. I am supposed to move on already. I am called in to the principal’s office. After
being instructed to get a new shirt, I choose to challenge the order. As long as the hunger strike lasts, I will continue to
voice the reality of the hundreds of prisoners, in hopes of recreating the sense of responsibility I originally sensed in
my peers.

Day 41: A compromise deal is offered to the political prisoners and they suspend their hunger strike. I walk out of
school with a clean uniform and feel whole again, but unnaturally so. I was left feeling an unspoken kind of weakness
where I broke under the realisation that not all sorrows could resonate with people enough for me to expect them to
lead movements.

I would need to be the one to lead, to recreate the energy that the tally once inspired. I decided to found a political
streetwear brand, Silla, where fashion choices transcend superficial aesthetics by spreading a substantial message of
equality and donating the profits to NGOs that advocate for social change. Through Silla, I am able to stay in touch
with my generation, keeping them engaged with issues because of how they can now spend their money Silla has
mobilized people to voice their opinions that align with equity and equality. Because of my adherence to justice, I was
elected student government president and I use it as a platform to be vigilant in reminding my peers of their potential,
inspiring them to take action and be outspoken about their beliefs. When the ink seeped through the fabric of my
uniform it also stained my moral fibres, and will forever remind me that I am an agent of change.
 ———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. Uncommon topic and uncommon connections. Overall, this is just a stand out piece. The unique story of
how the author had lines drawn on her shirt pulls the reader in. But while this story is not something you’d
typically find in other people’s applications, don’t feel intimidated. Having an uncommon topic makes writing
a strong essay a bit easier, but by itself is not enough for a great essay. What really elevates this piece is the
connections and observations that the author makes about her classmates and the school’s collective response
to distant but important political conflict. The student does a great job evoking the emotional response of her
peers and beautifully articulates her own indignation with the apathy that emerges. When you write your
essay, consider how you can use uncommon connections to take your reader to places they may not have
expected to go.
2. Experimental structure. One of the many cool things about this essay is its structure, which demonstrates the
quality of craft. The author uses a montage structure that emphasizes numbers and chronology, two ideas that
are central to the content of the piece itself. By playing with the idea of time and distance, the applicant
emphasizes some of the critical ideas in her essay and shows that she’s unafraid to think outside the box.
Remember, admissions officers read tons of personal statements; an uncommon structure can go a long way in
setting you apart from the crowd.
3. Answers the question “so what?” The thing that really brings this essay home is the last paragraph. Although
the story of the uniform being marked by lines for each day of the hunger strike is fascinating, we’re not
totally sure of its relevance to the life of the author until she gets to that last bit. In it, she tells us about her
politically-aware fashion line and her appointment as school president. This answers the question of “so what”
because it shows us that she took the lessons she learned during the strike and applied it to her life
outlook/practices more broadly. After you’ve written your first draft, go back through it and make sure you’ve
clearly shown what you’ve done to act upon your reflections or values.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #2

QUATTRO LINGUE
Day 1: “Labbayka Allāhumma Labbayk. Labbayk Lā Sharīka Laka Labbayk,” we chant, sweat dripping onto the wispy
sand in brutal Arabian heat, as millions of us prepare to march from the rocky desert hills of Mount Arafat to the cool,
flat valleys of Muzdalifa. As we make our way into the Haram, my heart shakes. Tears rolling down my cheeks, we
circumvent the Ka’ba one last time before embarking on Hajj, the compulsory pilgrimage of Islam. It became the
spiritual, visceral, and linguistic journey of a lifetime.

Day 3:

“Ureed an Aśhtareę Hijab.”

“Al-harir aw al-Qathan?”

“Ķhilaahuma.”

“Kham ťhamanu-huma?”

“Mi’at Riyal.”

“La. Khizth sab’een.”

“Sa’uethikhá Sab’een.”

“Shukran laķ.”

“Show me hijabs.”

“Silk or cotton?”
 “Both.”

“How much do these cost?”

“100 Riyal.”

“No. Take 70.”

“Fine. Thanks Hajjah.”

In Makkah, I quickly learn shopkeepers rip off foreigners, so exchanges like this, where I only have to say a few Arabic
words, make me appear local. It also connects me with real locals: the Saudi Arabian pharmacist who sells me cough
syrup, the Egyptian grandmother seeking directions to the restroom, the Moroccan family who educates me on the
Algerian conflict. As the sounds of Arabic swirl around me like the fluttering sands (Jamal, Naqah, Ibl, Ba’eer…), I’m
reconnecting with an old friend: we’d first met when I decided to add a third language to English and Bengali.

Day 6: The tents of Mina. Temperature blazing. Humidity high. I sleep next to an old woman who just embarked on her
twentieth Hajj. When I discover she’s Pakistani, I speak to her in Urdu. Her ninety-year old energy--grounded,
spiritual, and non-materialistic--inspires me. So far, every day has been a new discovery of my courage, spirit, and
faith, and I see myself going on this journey many more times in my life. My new friend is curious where I, a Bengali,
learned Urdu. I explain that as a Muslim living in America’s divided political climate, I wanted to understand my
religion better by reading an ancient account of the life of Prophet Muhammad, but Seerat-un-Nabi is only in Urdu, so
I learned to read it. I was delighted to discover the resonances: Qi-yaa-mah in Arabic becomes Qi-ya-mat in Urdu,
Dh-a-lim becomes Zaa-lim… Urdu, which I had previously only understood academically, was the key to developing a
personal connection with a generation different from mine.

Day 8: “Fix your hair. You look silly,” my mom says in Bengali. When my parents want to speak privately, they speak
our native tongue. Phrases like, “Can you grab some guava juice?” draw us closer together. My parents taught me to
look out for myself from a young age, so Hajj is one of the only times we experienced something formative together.
Our “secret” language made me see Bengali, which I’ve spoken all my life, as beautiful. It also made me aware of how
important shared traditions are.

As I think back to those sweltering, eclectic days, the stories and spiritual connections linger. No matter what
languages we spoke, we are all Muslims in a Muslim country, the first time I’d ever experienced that. I came out of my
American bubble and discovered I was someone to be looked up to. Having studied Islam my whole life, I knew the ins
and outs of Hajj. This, along with my love for language, made me, the youngest, the sage of our group. Whether at the
Al-Baik store in our camp or the Jamarat where Satan is stoned, people asked me about standards for wearing hijab or
to read the Quran out loud. I left the journey feeling fearless. Throughout my life, I’ll continue to seek opportunities
where I’m respected, proud to be Muslim, and strong enough to stand up for others. The next time I go to Hajj, I want
to speak two more languages: donc je peux parler à plus de gens and quiero escuchar más historias.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. It’s visceral and evocative. Details about the specific resonance of Urdu words and the conversations this
author shared with the people they met on their Hajj brings this essay to life. Nearly every line is full of vivid
imagery and textured language. Those details make this piece fun to read and truly bring us into the world of
the author. Whenever you’re writing, think about how you can engage all five senses to show, not simply tell,
how you experienced something.
2. It uses images to convey a sense of time, place, and self. Notice how this author’s use of images and details
give this personal statement a dream-like quality, hopping between spaces, people, languages, and thoughts.
As a result, the author is able to talk about so many different aspects of their culture. The way the details are
conveyed also speaks to the aesthetic sensibilities of the author, providing another window into who they are
as a person. When you’re writing, think about how you can use imagistic language to show the reader what
you care about.
3. It uses dialogue effectively. Dialogue isn’t always the best strategy, as it can take up a good chunk of your
word count without explicitly saying anything about who you are. In this piece, however, the author does a
great job of using their conversations with people they meet along their journey to convey their values and
 interests. Not only does the dialogue emphasize their fascination with language and cultural exchange, but it
breaks up what would have been dense paragraphs into nice manageable chunks that are easier to read.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #3

12
12 is the number of my idol, Tom Brady. It’s the sum of all the letters in my name. It’s also how old I was when I
started high school.

In short, I skipped two grades: first and sixth. Between kindergarten and eighth grade, I attended five schools,
including two different styles of homeschooling (three years at a co-op and one in my kitchen). Before skipping, I was
perennially bored.

But when I began homeschooling, everything changed. Free to move as fast as I wanted, I devoured tomes from
Jefferson, Hamilton, and Madison to London, Kipling, and Twain. I wrote 10-page papers on subjects from Ancient
Sparta and military history to the founding of the United States and the resounding impact of slavery. I discovered
more than I ever had, kindling a lifelong joy for learning.

While high school offered welcome academic opportunities--studying two languages and taking early science APs chief
among them--the social environment was a different beast. Many classmates considered me more a little brother than a
true friend, and my age and laser focus on academics initially made me socially inept. I joined sports teams in spring
and built better relationships, but my lack of size (5’1”) and strength relegated me to the end of the bench. Oftentimes,
I secretly wished I was normal age.

That secret desire manifested itself in different ways. While I’ve loved football since I was a little kid, I soon became
obsessed with personal success on the gridiron--the key, I figured, to social acceptance and the solution to my age
problem. I had grown up obsessively tracking my New England Patriots. Now, instead of armchair quarterbacking, I
poured hours into throwing mechanics and studying film after my homework each night. Itching to grow, I adopted
Brady’s diet, cutting dairy, white flour, and processed sugar. But in the rush to change, my attitude towards academics
shifted; I came to regard learning as more a job than a joy. No matter what talents I possessed, I viewed myself as a
failure because I couldn’t play.

That view held sway until a conversation with my friend Alex, the fastest receiver on the team. As I told him I wished
we could switch places so I could succeed on the gridiron, he stared incredulously. “Dude,” he exclaimed, “I wish I
was you!” Hearing my friends voice their confidence in my abilities prompted me to reflect: I quickly realized I was
discounting my academic talents to fit a social construct. Instead of pushing myself to be something I wasn’t, I needed
to meld my talents and my passions. Instead of playing sports, I recognized, I should coach them.

My goal to coach professionally has already helped me embrace the academic side of the game—my side—rather than
sidelining it. I have devoured scouting tomes, analyzed NFL game film, spoken with pros like Dante Scarnecchia, and
even joined the American Football Coaches Association. Translating that coach’s mentality into practice, I began
explaining the concepts behind different plays to my teammates, helping them see the subtleties of strategy (despite
Coach Whitcher’s complaints that I was trying to steal his job). And I discovered that my intellectual understanding of
the game is far more important in determining my success than my athletic tools: with the discipline, adaptability, and
drive I had already developed, I’ve become a better player, student, and friend.

Physically and mentally, I’ve changed a lot since freshman year, growing 11 inches and gaining newfound confidence
in myself and my abilities. Instead of fighting for social acceptance, I’m free to focus on the things I love.
Academically, that change re-inspired me. Able to express my full personality without social pressure, I rededicated
myself in the classroom and my community. I still secretly wish to be Tom Brady. But now, I’m happy to settle for Bill
Belichick.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. There’s a wonderful hook. The first line is great. It’s funny, intriguing, and doesn’t give too much away. In
just the first bit we already know that the author is a football enthusiast, detail-oriented, and academically
gifted. Not only does it tell us a lot about him, but it allows him to transition into the meat of his story about
how his unconventional educational trajectory influenced the person he is today. Think about how you can use
 the first sentence or two of your personal statement to effectively introduce readers to your narrative voice and
rope them into reading more.
2. It has a great “Aha!” moment. Great personal statements often convey growth. In this example, the author
struggles to find a place for himself in high school after skipping two grades and being homeschooled for a
significant portion of his life. It isn’t until his friend on the football team affirms his value that he starts to see
all of the ways in which his unique skills benefit the people around him. If you think of your essay like a
movie reel of your life, this moment is sort of like the climax. It’s when the mindset of the main character
changes and allows him to embrace what he’s got. The anticipation and release of this “aha moment” keeps
readers engaged in the piece and demonstrates your ability, as the applicant, to be self-reflective and adaptable
to change.
3. It covers a broad time frame, but still fits in tons of nice details. This essay essentially talks about the
author’s life from 5th grade to present day. He’s not focusing on one specific moment. This is absolutely
something you can do as well if you want to demonstrate how you’ve grown over a longer period of time.
However, notice that the author here doesn’t sacrifice depth for breadth. Even though he’s covering a pretty
significant chunk of time, he still touches on great details about his favorite classes and authors, football role
models, and conversations with friends. These are what make the essay great and specific to his life. If you’re
going to talk about more than just one event or moment, don’t forget to highlight important details along the
way.

LEARN HOW TO WRITE YOUR PERSONAL STATEMENT HERE

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #4
FLYING
As a young child, I was obsessed with flying. I spent hours watching birds fly, noting how the angle of their wings
affected the trajectory of their flight. I would then waste tons of fresh printer paper, much to the dismay of my parents,
to test out various wing types by constructing paper airplanes.

One day, this obsession reached its fever pitch.

I decided to fly.

I built a plane out of a wooden clothes rack and blankets, with trash bags as precautionary parachutes. As you can
imagine, the maiden flight didn’t go so well. After being in the air for a solid second, the world came crashing around
me as I slammed onto the bed, sending shards of wood flying everywhere.

Yet, even as a five-year-old, my first thoughts weren’t about the bleeding scratches that covered my body. Why didn’t
the wings function like a bird’s wings? Why did hitting something soft break my frame? Why hadn’t the parachutes
deployed correctly? Above all, why didn’t I fly?

As I grew older, my intrinsic drive to discover why stimulated a desire to solve problems, allowing my singular passion
of flying to evolve into a deep-seated love of engineering.

I began to challenge myself academically, taking the hardest STEM classes offered. Not only did this allow me to
complete all possible science and math courses by the end of my junior year, but it also surrounded me with the
smartest kids of the grades above me, allowing me access to the advanced research they were working on. As such, I
developed an innate understanding of topics such as protein function in the brain and differential equation modeling
early in high school, helping me develop a strong science and math foundation to supplement my passion for
engineering.

I also elected to participate in my school’s engineering pathway. As a team leader, I was able to develop my
leadership skills as I identified and utilized each member’s strength to produce the best product. I sought to make
design collaborative, not limited to the ideas of one person. In major group projects, such as building a hovercraft, I
served as both president and devil’s advocate, constantly questioning if each design decision was the best option,
ultimately resulting in a more efficient model that performed significantly better than our initial prototype.

Most of all, I sought to solve problems that impact the real world. Inspired by the water crisis in India, I developed a
water purification system that combines carbon nanotube filters with shock electrodialysis to both desalinate and
purify water more efficiently and cost-effectively than conventional plants. The following year, I ventured into disease
detection, designing a piezoresistive microcantilever that detected the concentration of beta-amyloid protein to
medically diagnose a patient with Alzheimer’s disease, a use for cantilevers that hadn’t yet been discovered. The
project received 1st Honors at the Georgia Science Fair.

Working on these two projects, I saw the raw power of engineering – an abstract idea gradually becoming reality. I
was spending most of my days understanding the why behind things, while also discovering solutions to prevalent
issues. In a world that increasingly prioritizes a singular solution, I am captivated by engineering’s ability to
continuously offer better answers to each problem.

Thirteen years have passed since that maiden flight, and I have yet to crack physical human flight. My five-year-old
self would have seen this as a colossal failure. But the intense curiosity that I found in myself that day is still with me. It
has continued to push me, forcing me to challenge myself to tackle ever more complex problems, engrossed by the
promise and applicability of engineering.

I may never achieve human flight. However, now I see what once seemed like a crash landing as a runway, the
platform off of which my love of engineering first took flight.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. The author isn’t afraid to ask questions. This writer is clearly a curious and intellectual person. The
questions they ask in the first part of the essay (“Why didn’t the wings function like a bird’s wings? Why did
hitting something soft break my frame? Why hadn’t the parachutes deployed correctly? Above all, why didn’t
I fly?”) highlight that. In your essay, don’t shy away from asking tough questions. In the end, the author still
hasn’t achieved human flight, but you can clearly see how his interest in the whys of life has propelled him to
take on new engineering problems. Sometimes, you don’t need to answer the questions you pose for them to
serve a purpose in your essay.
2. It returns back to where it started. There’s something satisfying about returning to your intro in your
conclusion. In this case, the author comes back to his first flying experience and re-evaluates what the
experience means to him now as well as how his thinking has evolved. Think of your essay as a circle (or
maybe a blob depending on what you’re writing about). Your end should loop back to where you started after
your narrative arc is mostly complete.
3. Uses specific jargon (but not too much). We might not know what a “piezoresistive microcantilever” is or
how it relates to “beta-amyloid proteins,” but that’s not really the point of including it in this essay. By using
these terms the author signals to us that he knows what he’s talking about and has a degree of expertise in
engineering. On the flip side, you don’t want to use so much jargon that your reader has no idea what you’re
saying. Including a little bit of field-specific language can go a long way, so you don’t want to overdo it. If
you’re not sure what specific details or language to include, check out our 21 Details Exercise and see if that
helps you brainstorm some ideas.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #5

ARAB SPRING IN BAHRAIN
February 2011– My brothers and I were showing off our soccer dribbling skills in my grandfather’s yard when we
heard gunshots and screaming in the distance. We paused and listened, confused by sounds we had only ever heard on
the news or in movies. My mother rushed out of the house and ordered us inside. The Arab Spring had come to
Bahrain.

I learned to be alert to the rancid smell of tear gas. Its stench would waft through the air before it invaded my eyes,
urging me inside before they started to sting. Newspaper front pages constantly showed images of bloodied clashes,
made worse by Molotov cocktails. Martial Law was implemented; roaming tanks became a common sight. On my way
to school, I nervously passed burning tires and angry protesters shouting “Yaskut Hamad! “ [“Down with King
Hamad!”]. Bahrain, known for its palm trees and pearls, was waking up from a slumber. The only home I had known
was now a place where I learned to fear.

September 2013– Two and a half years after the uprisings, the events were still not a distant memory. I decided the
answer to fear was understanding. I began to analyze the events and actions that led to the upheaval of the Arab
Springs. In my country, religious and political tensions were brought to light as Shias, who felt underrepresented and
neglected within the government, challenged the Sunnis, who were thought to be favored for positions of power. I
wanted equality and social justice; I did not want the violence to escalate any further and for my country to descend
into the nightmare that is Libya and Syria.

September 2014– Pursuing understanding helped allay my fears, but I also wanted to contribute to Bahrain in a
positive way. I participated in student government as a student representative and later as President, became a
member of Model United Nations (MUN), and was elected President of the Heritage Club, a charity-focused club
supporting refugees and the poor.

As an MUN delegate, I saw global problems from perspectives other than my own and used my insight to push for
compromise. I debated human rights violations in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict from an Israeli perspective, argued
whether Syrian refugees should be allowed entry into neighboring European countries, and then created resolutions
for each problem. In the Heritage Club, I raised funds and ran food drives so that my team could provide support for
less fortunate Bahrainis. We regularly distributed boxed lunches to migrant workers, bags of rice to refugees and air
conditioners to the poor.

April 2016 – The Crown Prince International Scholarship Program (CPISP) is an intensive leadership training
program where participants are chosen on merit, not political ideologies. Both Shia and Sunni candidates are selected,
helping to diversify the future leadership of my country. I was shortlisted to attend the training during that summer.

July 2016 – The CPISP reaffirmed for me the importance of cooperation. At first, building chairs out of balloons and
skyscrapers out of sticks didn’t seem meaningful. But as I learned to apply different types of leadership styles to real-
life situations and honed my communication skills to lead my team, I began to see what my country was missing:
harmony based on trust. Bringing people together from different backgrounds and successfully completing goals—any
goal—builds trust. And trust is the first step to lasting peace.

October 2016 – I have only begun to understand my people and my history, but I no longer live in fear. Instead, I have
found purpose. I plan to study political science and economics to find answers for the issues that remain unresolved in
my country. Bahrain can be known for something more than pearl diving, palm trees, and the Arab Spring; it can be
known for the understanding of its people, including me.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. Orients the reader in time. As you’ve seen in several other example essays already, date and time can be
used very effectively to structure a piece. This author talks about an intensely political topic, which changed
drastically over the course of a specific timeframe. Because of that, the use of timestamps elevates the piece
and makes it easier for readers to follow the chronology of the story. If your essay topic is something that has
changed significantly over time or has developed in a chronological way, this might be a great blueprint for
you. Check out our Feelings and Needs Exercise to brainstorm for this kind of essay where you learn
something along a narrative arc from Point A to Point B.
2. Gives us the right amount of context. When you’re talking about political or cultural issues or events, don’t
assume that your reader has a base level of knowledge. Although you don’t want to spend too much time on
the nitty gritty details of policy reform or history, you should offer your reader some sense of when something
was taking place and why. The author of this piece does that very succinctly and accessibly in his “September
2013” entry.
3. Emphasizes the author’s role and contributions. With political topics, it’s easy to get carried away talking
about the issue itself. However, remember that this is ultimately a personal statement, not a political
statement. You want to make sure you talk about yourself in the essay. So, even though the author is
discussing a huge event, he focuses on his participation in Model UN, CRISP, and Heritage Club. When
possible, think about how big issues manifest in your day to day life as well as what you specifically are doing
to take action.
 READY TO START WRITING?
HOW TO START A COLLEGE ESSAY: 9 SUREFIRE TECHNIQUES

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #6

POOP, ANIMALS AND THE ENVIRONMENT
I have been pooped on many times. I mean this in the most literal sense possible. I have been pooped on by pigeons and
possums, house finches and hawks, egrets and eastern grays.

I don’t mind it, either. For that matter, I also don’t mind being pecked at, hissed at, scratched and bitten—and believe
me, I have experienced them all.

I don’t mind having to skin dead mice, feeding the remaining red embryonic mass to baby owls. (Actually, that I do
mind a little.)

I don’t mind all this because when I’m working with animals, I know that even though they probably hate me as I
patch them up, their health and welfare is completely in my hands. Their chances of going back to the wild, going back
to their homes, rely on my attention to their needs and behaviors.

My enduring interest in animals and habitat loss led me to intern at the Wildlife Center of Silicon Valley over the
summer, and it was there that I was lucky enough to meet those opossum joeys that defecated on my shoes whenever I
picked them up (forcing me to designate my favorite pair of shoes as animal hospital shoes, never to be worn elsewhere
again). It was there that a juvenile squirrel decided my finger looked fit to suckle, and that many an angry pigeon tried
to peck off my hands.

And yet, when the internship ended, I found myself hesitant to leave. That hesitation didn’t simply stem from my
inherent love of animals. It was from the sense of responsibility that I developed while working with orphaned and
injured wildlife. After all, most of the animals are there because of us—the baby opossums and squirrels are there
because we hit their mothers with our cars, raptors and coyotes end up there due to secondary rodenticide poisoning
and illegal traps. We are responsible for the damage, so I believe we are responsible for doing what we can to help.
And of course, there is empathy—empathy for the animals who lost their mothers, their homes, their sight and smell,
their ability to fly or swim. I couldn’t just abandon them.

I couldn’t just abandon them the same way I couldn’t let big oil companies completely devastate the Arctic, earth’s
air conditioner. The same way I couldn’t ignore the oceans, where destructive fishing practices have been wiping out
ocean life.

These are not jobs that can be avoided or left half-finished. For some, the Arctic is simply too far away, and the
oceans will always teem with life, while for others these problems seem too great to ever conquer. And while I have
had these same feelings many times over, I organized letter-writing campaigns, protested, and petitioned the oil
companies to withdraw. I campaigned in local parks to educate people on sustaining the seas. I hold on to the hope
that persistent efforts will prevent further damage.

I sometimes wonder if my preoccupation with social and environmental causes just makes me feel less guilty. Maybe
I do it just to ease my own conscience, so I can tell people “At least I did something.” I hope that it’s not just that. I
hope it’s because my mother always told me to treat others as I want to be treated, even if I sometimes took this to its
logical extreme, moving roadkill to the bushes along the side of the road because “Ma, if I was hit by a car I would
want someone to move me off the road, too.”

The upshot is that I simply cannot walk away from injustice, however uncomfortable it is to confront it. I choose to
act, taking a stand and exposing the truth in the most effective manner that I think is possible. And while I’m sure I will
be dumped on many times, both literally and metaphorically, I won’t do the same to others.
 ———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. Another great hook. Much like the football essay, this one starts off with a bang. After hearing about all the
pecking, hissing, pooping, and clawing that the author endured, chances are you want to read more. And
notice how the initial pooping hook comes back in the last line of the essay.
2. The scope gets wider as the piece progresses. The author starts with specific details about an internship
opportunity then gradually works her way to broader topics about social justice and environmental activism.
Every part of the piece emphasizes her values, but they are more explicitly stated towards the end. This
trajectory is nice because it allows the reader to ease themselves into the world of the author and then see how
specific opportunities or interests connect to broader goals or ambitions. When you’re revising your essay,
take a look at each paragraph and see if each one brings something new to the table or moves the narrative
forward in some way.
3. It’s funny. This author does a great job of using humor as a tool to endear her to readers, but not as a crutch to
lean on when she has nothing else to say. Not only is she cracking jokes about poop, but also deeply
interrogating her own motivations for being interested in social and environmental activism. The balance of
humor and genuine reflection is fun to read while also saying a lot about the author and her values/interests.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #7

ENTOPTIC PHENOMENA
I subscribe to what the New York Times dubs “the most welcomed piece of daily e-mail in cyberspace.” Cat pictures?
Kardashian updates? Nope: A Word A Day.

Out of the collection of diverse words I received, one word stuck out to me in particular.

Entoptic: relating to images that originate within the eye (as opposed to from light entering the eye). Examples of
entoptic phenomena: floaters, thread-like fragments that appear to float in front of the eye but are caused by matter
within the eye. (for a picture: https://wordsmith.org/words/entoptic.html)

As I read through this entry, I was suddenly transported back to the first grade, when I was playing Pokémon Go one
day with my friends during recess. Our version was epic: we escaped into virtual reality with our imagination rather
than our phone screens, morphing into different Pokémon to do battle.

My friend Ryan had just transformed into an invisible ghost-type Pokémon capable of evading my attacks. Flustered, I
was attempting to evolve my abilities to learn to see the invisible. Between rubbing my eyes and squinting, I began to
make out subtle specks in the air that drifted from place to place. Aha—the traces of the ghost Pokémon! I launched a
thunderbolt straight through the air and declared a super-effective knockout.

...Of course, I never was able to explain what I was seeing to my bewildered friends that day in first grade. But after
learning about entoptic phenomena, I realized that my entoptic adventure was not a hallucination but, in fact, one of
my first intellectual milestones, when I was first able to connect meticulous observation of my environment to my
imagination.

Nowadays, I don’t just see minuscule entoptic phenomena: I see ghosts, too. Two of their names are Larry and Kailan,
and they are the top-ranked players in the Exynos League.

Exynos is the name of the elaborate basketball league I have created in my imagination over the last ten years of
playing basketball on the neighborhood court in the evenings. As I play, I envision Larry and Kailan right there with
me: reaching, stealing, and blocking. Undoubtedly, I might look a little silly when I throw the ball backwards as if
Larry blocked my layup attempt—but imagining competitors defending me drives me to be precise in my execution of
different moves and maneuvers. More than that, it is a constant motivator for all my endeavors: whether I’m
researching for debate or studying for the next math contest, I am inventing and personifying new competitive ghosts
that are hard at work every minute I’m off task.

But I perceive perhaps the most vivid images through music, as I tell a different story with each piece I play on the
violin. When I play Bach’s lively Prelude in E Major, for example, I visualize a mouse dashing up and down hills and
through mazes to escape from an evil cat (à la Tom and Jerry). But when I play Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto, I
describe a relationship plagued by unrequited love. I revel in the intellectual challenge of coming up with a story that
is not only consistent with the composer’s annotations but also resonates with my own experiences.

Between re-living Tom and Jerry episodes and shooting fadeaway three-pointers against ghosts, then, perhaps entoptic
phenomena don’t tell my whole story. So, here’s my attempt—in the form of a word of the day, of course:

Pokémon Boom: a legendary form of augmented reality so pure that it is commonly mistaken for hallucination.
Denizens of this world are rumored to watch Netflix re-runs without WiFi and catch many a Pikachu via psychokinesis.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. It makes tons of uncommon connections. Think about the range of topics covered in this piece: words,
Pokémon, basketball, ghosts, debate, math, and music (to name just a few). Yet the author uses the idea of
imagination and its relation to vision to weave these disparate topics into a coherent narrative. In fact, his
ability to do so emphasizes his ability to think creatively in ways that the average person may not. To find
these, consider brainstorming everything you want colleges to know about you and then think of interesting
ways in which these might intersect.
2. It doesn’t try to be overly intellectual. This essay spends most of its time talking about things that we
wouldn’t traditionally consider “academic” or “college-y.” In fact, at least a third of it is devoted solely to
Pokémon. The author briefly touches on his interest in math and debate, but otherwise it’s used more as a short
example than a key point. The takeaway is: you don’t have to talk about classes or academic interests to write
a killer essay. You absolutely can if you want to, but feel free to let your imagination run wild. If something
excites or intrigues you, try writing a draft about it and see where it takes you.
3. It’s specific to the author. The combination of examples and insights you see in this essay truly couldn’t have
been written by anyone else. Imagine you’re the admissions officer reading this application. It would
absolutely stand out from the other essays in the bunch. Sure, other people play basketball. Sure, other people
might like Pokémon or enjoy music. But, the particular way in which the author articulates his interests and
connects them makes it memorable.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #8

THE BUILDER & PROBLEM SOLVER
Since childhood, I have been an obsessive builder and problem solver. When I was 6, I spent two months digging a
hole in my backyard, ruining the grass lawn, determined to make a giant koi pond after watching a show on HGTV.
After watching Castaway when I was 7, I started a fire in my backyard--to my mother's horror--using bark and
kindling like Tom Hanks did. I neglected chores and spent nights locked in my room drawing pictures and diagrams or
learning rubik's cube algorithms while my mother yelled at me through the door to go to sleep. I've always been
compulsive about the things I set my mind to. The satisfaction of solving problems and executing my visions is all-
consuming.

But my obsessive personality has helped me solve other problems, too.

When I was 8, I taught myself how to pick locks. I always dreamed of how cool it must have been inside my brother’s
locked bedroom. So I didn't eat at school for two weeks and saved up enough lunch money to buy a lockpicking set
from Home Depot. After I wiggled the tension wrench into the keyhole and twisted it counterclockwise, I began
manipulating the tumblers in the keyhole with the pick until I heard the satisfying click of the lock and entered the
room. Devouring his stash of Lemonheads was awesome, but not as gratifying as finally getting inside his room.

As the projects I tackled got bigger, I had to be more resourceful. One day in history class after reading about early
American inventions, I decided to learn how to use a Spinning Jenny. When my parents unsurprisingly refused to waste
$500 on an 18th century spinning wheel, I got to work visiting DIY websites to construct my own by disassembling my
bike and removing the inner tube from the wheel, gathering string and nails, and cutting scrap wood. For weeks, I
brushed my two cats everyday until I had gathered enough fur. I washed and soaked it, carded it with paddle brushes
to align the fibers, and then spun it into yarn, which I then used to crochet a clutch purse for my grandmother on
mother's day. She still uses it to this day.
In high school, my obsessive nature found a new outlet in art. Being a perfectionist, I often tore up my work in
frustration at the slightest hint of imperfection. As a result, I was slowly falling behind in my art class, so I had to seek
out alternate solutions to actualize the ideas I had in my head. Oftentimes that meant using mixed media or
experimenting with unconventional materials like newspaper or cardboard. Eventually I went on to win several
awards, showcased my art in numerous galleries and magazines, and became President of National Art Honors
Society. Taking four years of art hasn't just taught me to be creative, it’s taught me that there are multiple solutions to
a problem.

After high school I began to work on more difficult projects and I channeled my creativity into a different form of
art - programming. I’m currently working on an individual project at the Schepens Institute at Harvard University. I'm
writing a program in Matlab that can measure visual acuity and determine what prescription glasses someone would
need. I ultimately plan to turn this into a smartphone app to be released to the general public.

The fact is that computer coding is in many ways similar to the talents and hobbies I enjoyed as a child—they all
require finding creative ways to solve problems. While my motivation to solve these problems might have been a
childlike sense of satisfaction in creating new things, I have developed a new and profound sense of purpose and desire
to put my problem solving skills to better our world.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. It turns a perceived weakness into a critical strength. At the beginning of the essay, the author talks about
all of the problems she caused because of her obsession (ironically) with problem-solving. However, as the
piece progresses, we begin to see how her childlike curiosity and interest in making things became a clear
asset. It becomes a way of emphasizing values like resourcefulness, empathy, and dedication. In several other
essay examples, we’ve highlighted this idea of growth. This example is no exception. Highlighting the ways in
which you’ve changed or reframed your thinking is a great thing to show off to college admissions officers. If
you know you’ve experienced some significant change but you’re not sure how to describe it, use our Feelings
and Needs Exercise to get started.
2. There’s a discussion of what’s next. Many colleges are interested not only in what you’ve done, but also
how you’d like to pursue your interests in the future. The author here spends some time at the end talking
about her plans for a prescription-measuring smartphone app and her general interest in learning more about
computer coding. While the piece has a clear conclusion, these examples highlight the ongoing nature of her
educational journey and her openness to further learning. It answers the question of “so what?”
3.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #9

THE LITTLE PORCH AND A DOG
It was the first Sunday of April. My siblings and I were sitting at the dinner table giggling and spelling out words in
our alphabet soup. The phone rang and my mother answered. It was my father; he was calling from prison in Oregon.

My father had been stopped by immigration on his way to Yakima, Washington, where he’d gone in search of work. He
wanted to fulfill a promise he’d made to my family of owning our own house with a nice little porch and a dog.

Fortunately, my father was bailed out of prison by a family friend in Yakima. Unfortunately, though, most of our life
savings was spent on his bail. We moved into a rented house, and though we did have a porch, it wasn’t ours. My
father went from being a costurero (sewing worker) to being a water-filter salesman, mosaic tile maker, lemon
deliverer, and butcher.

Money became an issue at home, so I started helping out more. After school I’d rush home to clean up and make
dinner. My parents refused to let me have a “real” job, so on Saturday afternoons I’d go to the park with my older
brother to collect soda cans. Sundays and summertime were spent cleaning houses with my mother.

I worked twice as hard in school. I helped clean my church, joined the choir, and tutored my younger sister in math. As
tensions eased at home, I returned to cheerleading, joined a school club called Step Up, and got involved in my
school’s urban farm, where I learned the value of healthy eating. Slowly, life improved. Then I received some life-
changing news.
My father’s case was still pending and, due to a form he’d signed when he was released in Yakima, it was not only him
that was now in danger of being deported, it was my entire family. My father’s lawyer informed me that I’d have to
testify in court and in fact our stay in the US was now dependent on my testimony.

The lawyer had an idea: I had outstanding grades and recommendation letters. If we could show the judge the
importance of my family remaining here to support my education, perhaps we had a chance. So I testified.

My father won his case and was granted residency.

Living in a low-income immigrant household has taught me to appreciate all I’ve been given. Testifying in court
helped me grow as a person, has made me more open-minded and aware of the problems facing my community. And
my involvement in the urban farm has led me to consider a career as a nutritionist.

Though neither of my parents attended college, they understand that college is a key factor to a bright future and
therefore have been very supportive. And though we don't yet have the house with the small porch and the dog, we're
still holding out hope.

I believe college can help.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. Drops us in a moment in time. The beginning of this essay is a bit disorienting because it places us in a scene
within the author’s life as they experience it. We don’t know all of the information, so we’re a bit confused,
but that confusion makes us want to read more. This is a great tactic when done well because it helps us
identify with the author and piques our curiosity.
2. Shows the agency, independence, and resilience of the applicant. The author here goes through a lot over
the course of the essay. They have to face very real fears about incarceration, deportation, and financial
instability on a daily basis. Talking about the ways in which they approached these obstacles highlights their
ability to think clearly under pressure and make the most of what they have. If you have faced significant
hardships, worked through them, learned valuable lessons, and want to share these with colleges, the personal
statement can be a good place to do that. If you’d prefer to write about something else in your personal
statement, but you’d still like to mention your challenges somewhere in your application, you can instead
briefly describe them in your Additional Information section. If you want to write about struggles that are
particularly related to COVID-19, check out our guide for specific suggestions.

———

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #10

LIFE AS AN UNDOCUMENTED STUDENT
At six years old, I stood locked away in the restroom. I held tightly to a tube of toothpaste because I’d been sent to
brush my teeth to distract me from the commotion. Regardless, I knew what was happening: my dad was being put
under arrest for domestic abuse. He’d hurt my mom physically and mentally, and my brother Jose and I had shared the
mental strain. It’s what had to be done.

Living without a father meant money was tight, mom worked two jobs, and my brother and I took care of each other
when she worked. For a brief period of time the quality of our lives slowly started to improve as our soon-to-be step-
dad became an integral part of our family. He paid attention to the needs of my mom, my brother, and me. But our
prosperity was short-lived as my step dad’s chronic alcoholism became more and more recurrent. When I was eight,
my younger brother Fernando’s birth complicated things even further. As my step-dad slipped away, my mom
continued working, and Fernando’s care was left to Jose and me. I cooked, Jose cleaned, I dressed Fernando, Jose put
him to bed. We did what we had to do.

As undocumented immigrants and with little to no family around us, we had to rely on each other. Fearing that any
disclosure of our status would risk deportation, we kept to ourselves when dealing with any financial and medical
issues. I avoided going on certain school trips, and at times I was discouraged to even meet new people. I felt isolated
and at times disillusioned; my grades started to slip.
Over time, however, I grew determined to improve the quality of life for my family and myself.

Without a father figure to teach me the things a father could, I became my own teacher. I learned how to fix a bike,
how to swim, and even how to talk to girls. I became resourceful, fixing shoes with strips of duct tape, and I even found
a job to help pay bills. I became as independent as I could to lessen the time and money mom had to spend raising me.

I also worked to apply myself constructively in other ways. I worked hard and took my grades from Bs and Cs to
consecutive straight A’s. I shattered my school’s 1ooM breaststroke record, and learned how to play the clarinet,
saxophone, and the oboe. Plus, I not only became the first student in my school to pass the AP Physics 1 exam, I’m
currently pioneering my school’s first AP Physics 2 course ever.

These changes inspired me to help others. I became president of the California Scholarship Federation, providing
students with information to prepare them for college, while creating opportunities for my peers to play a bigger part
in our community. I began tutoring kids, teens, and adults on a variety of subjects ranging from basic English to home
improvement and even Calculus. As the captain of the water polo and swim team I’ve led practices crafted to
individually push my comrades to their limits, and I’ve counseled friends through circumstances similar to mine. I’ve
done tons, and I can finally say I’m proud of that.

But I’m excited to say that there’s so much I have yet to do. I haven’t danced the tango, solved a Rubix Cube, explored
how perpetual motion might fuel space exploration, or seen the World Trade Center. And I have yet to see the person
that Fernando will become.

I’ll do as much as I can from now on. Not because I have to. Because I choose to.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. Again, the author shows growth. We’ve said it a couple times, but it’s nice to highlight growth when
possible. Although the author’s family circumstances and immigrant status meant he had to face significant
hardships, he learned how to take care of themselves and use his obstacles as motivation to succeed. We see
concrete signs of growth in the way he improved his grades and got more involved in school clubs like the
California Scholarship Federation as well as athletic extracurriculars like swimming. Essentially, he shows
how he made the best of his situation.
2. The author’s curiosity is palpable. One of the best things about this essay is the very end. The writer has
already shown us how much he has had to overcome and how much he’s thrived in high school despite his
circumstances. However, he doesn’t just stop. He tells us about all the other things he hopes to do and conveys
a clear excitement at the possibility for learning in the future. There’s something lovely about seeing someone
who is excited for what the future might hold. It endears him to readers and demonstrates his natural
inclination to continue pushing forward, no matter what life might throw his way. Plus, it’s worth noting that
he ends on the quality of autonomy, which was his #1 value when you completed the Values Exercise.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #11

UMBRA
Umbra: the innermost, darkest part of a shadow

The fifth set of chimes rings out and I press my hands against the dusty doors. My nose itches, but scratching would
smudge the little black whiskers painted onto my face. I peer through the tiny crack between the cupboard doors, trying
to glimpse the audience. The sixth set of chimes, my cue, begins, and I pop onto stage, the brilliant lights flooding my
vision. Clara and Drosselmeyer stand to my left, and in front of me lies an endless ocean of audience. I pause a
moment, taking it in, then do my best mouse scurry towards the wings. I love performing and dancing to connect with
an audience. I dance to inspire others, to share my joy and passion, and because I love the rush of excitement while I’m
surrounded by the stage lights.

My hands, covered in grease, hurt terribly as I help another girl with the wire crimper. We force the handles together,
and our Anderson connector is finally ready. People scurry around us—several students are riveting metal, assisted by
my father (for me, robotics is a family activity), while another pair, including my younger brother, works on
assembling the drive train. The next room is filled with shouted Java commands and autonomous code. I’m working on
a system that will focus on the reflective tape on our target, allowing the camera to align our shooting mechanism. I
love the comradery in robotics, the way teams support each other even amid intense competitions. I love seeing the real
world application of knowledge, and take pride in competing in front of hundreds of people. Most of all, I love
spending time with my family, connecting with them in our own unique way. Back in the electrical room, I plug in my
connector, and the room is filled with bright green light.

I pull on a pair of Nitrile gloves before grabbing my forceps. I carefully extract my latest Western Blot from its gel box,
placing it on the imaging system. I’m searching for the presence of PARP1 and PLK1 in dysplasia and tumor cells,
especially in reference to DNA damage and apoptosis. I’ve already probed the blot with a fluorescent reagent for
imaging. On the screen, I see my bands of protein expression, the bands of red light showing PARP1 and the bands of
green showing PLK1. I haven’t been doing research for long, but I’ve already fallen in love with constantly having
something new to learn.

Christmas carols play softly as I chase my little brother around the living room, trying to get him to wear a Santa hat.
The smell of tamales wafts through the air as my mom and grandmother stand over the pot of mole sauce. The
ornament boxes are opened on the floor, each one special to our family, representing our adventures, our love, our
history. My dad is winding a mile-long string of lights around the tree, covering the room with a soft glow. My
homemade gifts—hats, scarves, blankets I’ve knitted—lie messily wrapped beneath the tree. My family has made
tamales on Christmas Eve for generations, and each year it’s a way for us to connect to both each other and our
heritage.

Light will usually travel in a perfectly straight line, but if it comes in contact with something it can bounce off it or
bend around it, which is why people make shadows. The very innermost part of that shadow, the umbra, is where no
light has bent around you—it has completely changed direction, bounced off. People are constantly changing and
shaping the light around them, and never notice. But in hindsight, I see it’s the lights that have shaped me.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. It demonstrates craft. This author went through 10+ drafts of this essay, and her effort shows in her refined
language and structure. She uses images to beautiful effect, drawing us into each experience in her montage,
from the moments on stage to robotics to the lab to her family. She also demonstrates craft through the
subtlety of her structural thread—we’ve bolded light above, to make it more obvious, but notice how she
essentially saves what would traditionally be her introduction for her final paragraph (with some beautiful,
refined phrasing therein), and uses “Umbra” and light to thread the paragraphs. This is very hard to pull off
well, and is why she went through so many revisions, to walk a fine line between subtlety and clarity.
2. Show and tell. Rather than just “Show, don’t tell,” in a college essay, we think it’s useful to show your reader
first, but then use some “telling” language to make sure they walk away with a clear understanding of what’s
important to you. For example, this author shows her values through details/actions/experiences—more on
values in a sec—then uses the ends of her body paragraphs to more directly tell us about those values and
reflect on what they mean to her. And her final paragraph both shows and tells, using language that offers
strong symbolism, while also ending with some poetic phrasing that tells us how this all comes together (in
case we somehow missed it).
3. Values and insight/reflection. Because values are core to your essay and application, we’re going to end this
post discussing them one more time. Notice how each paragraph demonstrates different values
(art/performing, community, engagement, inspiration, joy/passion in the first paragraph alone) and reflects on
how or why those values are important to her. We walk away with a strong sense of who this student is and
what she would bring to our college campus.

PERSONAL STATEMENT EXAMPLE #12

ANGRY BROWN GIRL, FEMINIST, SINGER, MEME-LOVER
My Twitter bio reads: angry brown girl, feminist, singer, meme-lover. You will notice live-tweets of my feminist Pride
and Prejudice thoughts, analyses of Hamilton’s power for musical representation, and political memes. Just as my
posts bring together seemingly disparate topics, I believe there is a vibrancy that exists at the multidimensional place
where my interests intersect.

Growing up as a debater and musician, it was easy to see the two as distinct entities where I had to make unequivocal
choices. At the start of my junior year, I decided not to participate in the musical in order to work for Emerge
California, an organization that helps Democratic women run for office. There I learned about data science, gender
distributions in public office, and how to work with the evil printer. I also halted my voice and piano lessons to focus
on building my student-led non-profit, Agents of Change. As someone who has diverted my energy into community
activism, I can attest to the power of grassroots movements. It has been so rewarding to measure the impact that my
team has had on my community. But even so, I felt that I was losing touch with the music that was such a profound part
of me.

I found a new way of being when I started combining my artsy and political sides. I took an intensive class on protest
music, where I learned how political movements have been shaped by the music of their time. While in the class, we
were asked to compose our own songs. I am not a songwriter, but I am an activist, and I embraced the opportunity to
turn music into an outlet for my political beliefs. As a first-generation American, I am dedicated to raising awareness
about refugee rights and immigration. My songs about the Syrian Refugee Crisis let me find a way to bring the two
sides of me together and gave me a rush that neither music nor politics by themselves would have provided.

This introduction led me to apply to the Telluride Association Protest Poetics program, where I dove deeper into my
own identity. I wrote songs about police brutality and the ways that as a non-black person of color I am implicated in
instances of subliminal racism. Over the course of the program, as I became more familiar with the visual, literary,
and performance art we analyzed, I slowly started to realize that, though I confront colorism, jokes about Indian
culture, and intra-community violence in some form every day, my proximity to whiteness still gives me immense
amounts of privilege. I have come to know that this means I have a responsibility to both be at the forefront of
movements, and conscious of not stepping over the voices of other intersectional identities. I hope that the music I
choose to perform and the way I live my life can amplify, not overwrite, any of the struggles that others deal with
daily.

Last year, I had another opportunity to use music to pay homage to an issue I care deeply about. In my South Asian
community, mental health is an issue that is often papered over. When a member of my school community committed
suicide, I was asked to sing “Amazing Grace” for the school to both unify and honor the student. Though I thought that
I had really understood the power of music, holding that space for my entire school had a profound resonance that I
still don’t fully understand.

My voice is an instrument for change -- whether it be through me raising my hand to contribute to a discussion in a
classroom, speaking out against gun violence at a rally, or singing at an event of solidarity. I know that someday my
voice, in conjunction with many other unique voices and perspectives, will make a difference.

———

WHY THIS ESSAY WORKED:

1. Get clear on the story you’re telling. Debate? Political organizing? Musical theater? Protest music? This
writer probably had a lot more to say about all of those experiences. But we don’t get the whole backstory
about her journey toward musical theater. Why? Because she’s clear on what this story is about (she may have
even written a logline to get that clarity…). We don’t need a lot of context about her decision “not to
participate in the musical” because this essay isn’t about her experiences with musical theater; it’s about her
forging a new identity by combining seemingly disparate interests (e.g., music and political advocacy). Telling
us every musical she’s ever been in won’t help us “get” what she’s saying in this essay (and she has the
activities list to tell us that…). Instead, she shows us only the details relevant to her trying to balance a love of
music with her newfound interests: she decides “not to participate in the musical,” and she “halts voice and
piano lessons.”
2. Bridge the gap (between paragraphs). Stronger essays have paragraphs with clear relationships to one
another. This writer uses various phrases to achieve that clarity. When she starts paragraph four with “this
introduction,” you understand that she’s referring to her “songs about the Syrian Refugee Crisis” from the end
of paragraph three. Similarly, she resolves the problem of her “losing touch” with music at the end of
paragraph two by beginning paragraph three by stating she found a “new way of being…” She’s using those
key moments of transition to tell her readers: hey, I’m going somewhere with all these ideas, you can trust me.
3. You don’t have to have all the answers. When the writer tells us that she sang “Amazing Grace” to honor
someone in her community who died by suicide, she gets vulnerable—she says that she still doesn't “fully
understand” the effects of that moment. In admitting that she’s still coming to terms with that experience, she
comes off as a mature, reasoned person who thinks deeply about lived experience. No one reading your essay
is going to expect you to have fully processed every difficult experience you’ve ever had in your life. That
would be outrageous. What they will appreciate seeing, though, is that you’ve reflected deeply on lived
experiences. Sometimes reflection yields answers. Sometimes it just yields more questions. Either is okay—
just don’t feel like you need to have everything figured out to write about it (or that you need to pretend like
you do).