I FRIDAY, JUNE 5, 2020 I INQUIRER.

COM I CI CITY & SUBURBS

LIFE

Talking to toddlers
Little ones can't understand what's going
on right now. But they can absorb parents'
emotions. If your stress is on display, this
may cause your toddler to start acting out, or
struggle in areas like potty training where
progress was being made just days ago.
"I'd also add clinginess if they have a
sense that the world is dangerous, it's most
By Grace Dickinson
STAFF WRITER important to them to see that you're OK,
says Ginsburg. "Give them the gift of being
n Saturday night, Ishmail Abdus-
with them because they need it now to draw
Saboor and his son, Musa, 8, were
security
relaxing inside their West Philadel
Making sure that your child feels safe is
phia home when Abdus-Saboor's
the first priority. But this is the age when you
phone started buzzing. It was an
should also start conversations about race.
alert: a citywide curfew was about to begin.
Babies as young as six months are shown to
Musa glanced at Abdus-Saboor:
detect race-based differences.
"I knew I had to start talking about what
"By age 4, the bias starts to take root, and
was going on, so I tried to explain things for
by age 12, that's when the beliefs become set
an 8-year-old," says Abdus-Saboor. "Then he
and it becomes harder to change them," says
says, 'Daddy are we going back to being
Dr. Katherine Napalinga, a child and adoles-
slaves?' The fact that he connected those -I
cent psychiatrist at Einstein Medical Center
can't even remember the last time we talked
Philadelphia.
about slavery. It pierced right through my
Introduce subjects surrounding diversity
heart.'

Talking What
feels chaotic?
from
do

the killing
you
When
tell your

of yet
it erupts
kids

another
when
with
African
the
frustration
world

Ameri-
by
part
feared
highlighting

"Some
of who
or
we
shunned
kids
our
are

will start the

differences
and not
as
something

conversation
a positive
to be

with-
can by police?
out you even asking,' notes Napalinga. "T'm
As cities across the country fill with pro-
originally from the Philippines, so I often
tests over the death of George Floyd at the

to kids hands
every
ic
of a Minneapolis
background
is already ravaging
officer, children
- - are listening.
our lives,
A pandem
and
-

when
of
have
answer
young kids ask me
by discussing
ent skin tones and
how
how
about
people have
that, and
differ-
that's a wonderful
I

thing, how that adds to the strength of our

kids are shut indoors, eyes often are glued to
country.
the TV or smartphones. News spills in from
Books are another great resource. Check
sources near and far.

about the
out Uncle Bobbie's bookstore in German
Whether you regularly talk with your child
town, often stocked with antiracist books for
about race and injustice or you have strug- all ages, says Dr. Roy Wade, pediatrician at
gled to find the words, how can you help your CHOP Cobbs Creek Primary Care and an
kids make sense of what's happening today?
African American father of two. There are
It's challenging. Many parents, including Ab- plenty of online outlets, too.
dus-Saboor, will tell you they truly don't Common Sense Media has a list of books
know. And there certainly isn't a universal
with diverse, multicultural characters, and

protests answer.
child

tions,
Create
and
Experts
guide
the
the

even
space
do
way:

for
say, however,

for
the
children
smallest
to

to ask
let your

child, they
ques-
there's Brown

who
Bookshelf,
books with brown
deal with
which features
and black protagonists
tough issues," says Wade

will guide you on what they want to know Talking to preschool and
and what they're ready for," says Dr. Ken
Experts offer tips on how to Ginsburg, co-director of the Center for Par-
elementary- -age kids
By age 5, you can introduce conversations
ent and Teen Communication at CHOP.
around empathy.
help your kids understand But first, you need to create the right space
"They're like sponges at this age, and when
within your own mind. Before initiating con-
a sense of self is still forming," says Napalin-
what's happening, versations with kids of any age, experts
See TALK TO KIDS on D3
stress making sure you're calm.

CYNTHIAGREER/ Staff Artist

 +

FRIDAY, JUNE 5, 2020 THE PH ADELPHIA INO RER D3

INQUIRER COM

Talk to kids
Contimsed from Di

ga. Start to teach them about

ideas like putting themselves in
another person's shoes.'
Because children at this age
are so receptive limit their
screen time. Preschool and ele-
mentary age kids are not yet ca-
pable of what we call "abstract
thinking." What they see, they
interpret as reality
"Early school-age children are
very concrete thinkers, so when
they watch the news, which is
repeating displays of the worst
that's happening out there, they
believe it's happening right out-
side their window," says Gins-
burg
Kids may begin to internalize
the images they see and create
their own ideas about their safe-
ty.

"We had a discussion with our

7-year-old daughter about what
was going on, and one of her
immediate reactions was anxi
ety about how all police are out
to get her," says Wade. "I gave
her the space to be angry, to yell
and be upset, and then when
things calmed down, we dove
into a conversation about how
not all cops are behaving badly,
it's just some cops.'
Even with the TV turned off,
children can pick up on conver-
sations. The good news: Young
children tend to be very inquisi Yalya Noy- Jackson, 16, writes peaceful messages on the sidewalks of 69th Street in Upper Darby, Jose F MORENO / Staff Photographer
tive, which invites you to ad-
dress misinformation and con- the inhumanity of that moment, school, they develop into more selves - - this is a solution that through social media, or creat
cerns. and it's OK to do so with your complex and abstract thinkers. involves all of us.' ing art to post around the neigh
child - - that's what I'd do with This is often around the time As for the protests, teenagers borhood. If they're considering
When answening kids' ques-
tions, experts say honesty is cru- my kids if they saw the video," that black families have "the are more likely to have feelings engaging in risky behavior, talk
cial. You don't want to lose kids' says Ginsburg. "Let them know talk": a discussion passed on for of unrest. Many may want to get about it. Navigate these conver
trust. However, not every single how wrong this is, and that this generations about how to en- involved. Experts say you sations by asking them what
detail needs to be included was an inexeusable situation gage white people and law en- should encourage them to talk. they think will happen in a situa
"If they ask, 'Why is the car and that's why people are angry, forcement to remain safe. If they're outraged, they need to tion
burning?'you can say people are and that we hope and pray that "Part of the myth around 'the let it out. "Rather than lecturing them,
very angry because a man got from the sacrifices of his life,we talk' is that it's considered to be "Teenagers are idealists, and if you help them come to their
killed and they feel it wasn't fair, build a better world." one talk - - but really it's a series this is an amazing opportunity own conclusion about say, what
but you don't need to show them If your children aren't asking of conversations, and when for them to envision a better will happen if they start looting
a video of the actual killing be- questions, that doesn't mean things like this happen, it brings world," says Ginsburg. "We have they'll internalize it better," says

cause they'll be traumatized and they aren't thinking about what's an opportunity to open those to let them know that their an- Napalinga.
have nightmares," says Napalin- going on. It'simportant to create back up," says Wade of the pro- ger is justified, and they should It's never too late to get start

ga.' "Relate it to their own lives a space where they feel comfort- tests. "You reaffirm that it's not work hard to create a better real- ed on these conversations, as-
by asking questions like, 'How able voicing what's on their fair, that these rules might not ity, while also emphasizing the sures Dr. Joseph Wright, chair
do you feel when things aren't mind. Start in an open-ended apply to your white friends, but need to express frustrations in a of the Thask Force on Addressing
fair?' way: "There's a lot going on this is how you have to behave way that keeps their community Bias and Discrimination of the
What happens if your kids acci- right now. What are your to stay safe. Always create space and themselves safe. American Academy of Pediat
dentally come across the disturb- thoughts and feelings, and for your kids to ask questions. Leverage their idealism by in- rics.
ing video of Floyd's arrest? would you like to talk about any- By middle school, if not a year viting them to create solutions "It's challenging to be empa-
While challenging, you need to thing?" or two before, parents of every that are outside the box. Make it thetic if you don't have a frame
address it, says Napalinga. Start All children, regardless of race should be addressing system about what they can do, versus of reference, To really have com
by listening. It's important that their race, should be aware of ic racism. White families should what you don't want them to do. passion for folks who've been
their feelings be validated. Ac- the situation, says Napalinga address the unfortunate realities "Too many adults think it's victimized, families need to
knowledge not only that you're "If parents don't approach of what "the talk" looks like for a about controlling teenagers, and have honest discussions. Just
there to protect them but that their kids to have conversations black family vs. their own. yet teenagers absolutely reject look outside - - this impacts ev-
you also understand they're about this, one could arguably "Children of color have to have messages of control as they're eryone," says Wright. "We can-
scared. After you listen, try to say it's just as troubling as being 'the talk' as a matter of safety, striving towards independence,' not put our kids in a bubble, and
generally correct for accuracy, out there inflicting the injustice. but white children need to have says Ginsburg 'If you don't if you're not already embedding
Ginsburg also points out that Education is the protective fac 'the talk' as a matter of justice," want them to leave the house, this dialogue on a regular basis
you needn't be afraid to cry with tor against injustice," she says says Ginsburg. "Racism is a sub- frame it around safety. Let them there's no better time than now
your children. ject that hurts people of color, know you care about them, and to start
Talking to preteens but it hurts all of us because we talk about other ways they can
"If you see such human agony,
you should allow yourself to and teenagers can't build the best world until express their frustrations [email protected]
weep, to express frustration and As kids move beyond grade everyone can become their best Ideas include protesting GraceDickinson