101 Original One-Minute Monologues-Alterman

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VOLUME 3
1O1 ORIGINAL
ONE-MINUTE
MONOLOGUES
BY GLENN
ALTERMAN
MONOLOGUE AUDITION SERIES
A Smith and Kraus Book

Published by Smith and Kraus, Inc.
177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755
www.SmithandKraus.com
© 2005 by Smith and Kraus, Inc.

All rights reserved
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First Edition: February 2006

987654321
Cover and text design by Julia Hill Gignoux
Author photo by Robert Kim
The Monologue Audition Series ISSN 1067-134X

Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Alterman, Glenn, 1964-
60 seconds to shine. Volume 3, 101 one-minute monologues/ by Glenn Alterman.
p. cm. - (Monologue audition series)
ISBN 1-57525-431-X / ISBN-13 978-1-57525-431-9
1. Monologues. 2. Acting. 3. Acting-Auditions. l. Title: 101 one-minute
monologues. II. Title: Sixty seconds to shine. IIL Title: One hundred one one-
minute monologues. IV. Title: One hundred and one one-minute monologues. V.
Title. VI. Series.
PN2080.A4418 2005
812'.54dc22
2005054139
NOTE: These monologues are intended to be used for audition and class
study; permission is not required to use the material for those purposes.
However, if there is a paid performance of any of the monologues in-
cluded in this book, please contact the publisher for permission informa-
tion.
THE AUTHOR
GLENN ALTERMAN is the author of The Perfect Audition Mono-

logue, Street Talk (Original Character Monologues for Actors),
Two Minutes and Under (Volumes 7, 2, and 3), Uptown, Two-
Minute Monologs, Creating Your Own Monologue, The Job
Book: One Hundred Acting Jobs for Actors, The Job Book 2:
One Hundred Doy Jobs for Actors, What to Give Your Agent for
Christmas, An Actor's Guide: Making lt in New York City, and trie
recently revised Promoting Your Acting Career: A Step by Step
Program to Opening Doors.
Two Minutes and Under (Volumes 7 and 2), Street Talk, Up-
town, Creating Your Own Monologue, Promoting Your Acting
Career, The Job Book, The Job Book 2, and An Actor's Guide:
Making lt in New York City were all "Featured Selections" in the
Doubleday Book Club (Fireside Theater and Stage and Screen
Division} Most of his published works hove gone on to rnultiple
printings.
Alterrnan wrote the book for Heartstrings: The National Tour
(commissioned by the Design Industries Foundation for Aids), a
thirty-five city tour that starred Michelle Pfeiffer, Ron Silver,
Christopher Reeve, Susan Sarandon, Mario Thomas, and Sandy
Duncan. His recent book, The Perfect Audition Monologue, was
honored by the National Arts Club in New York City.
Alterman's plays Uke Familyand The Pecking Orderwere
optioned by Red Eye Filrns (with Alterman writing the screen-
play). His latest play, Solace, was produced Off-Broadway by
Circle East Theater Company and presently has severa! Euro-
pean productions. Solace was recently optioned for European
N. Nobody's Floodwon the Bloomington National Playwriting
Cornpetition as well as being a finalist in The Key West Playwrit-
ing Competition. Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda twice won the Three
Genres Playwriting Competition and was published in two sep-
arate editions of the Prentice Hall college textbook. lt has re-
ceived severa! New York productions.
Other plays include Kiss Me When lt's Over (commissioned
by E. Weissman Productions), starring and directed by Andre
DeShields; Tourists of the Mindfield (finalist in the L. Arnold Weiss-
berger Playwriting Competition at New Drarnatists); and Street
Talk/Uptown (based on his monologue books), produced at The
West Coast Ensemble.
Goin' Round on Rock So/id Ground, Unfamiliar Faces, and
Words Unspoken were ali finalists at the Actor's Theater of
Louisville. Spilt Milk received its premiere at the Beverly Hills
Rep/Theater 40 in Los Angeles and was selected to participate
in The Samuel French One-Act Festival on two separate occa-
sions. lt's had over thirty productions. The Danger of Strangers
won Honorable Mention in both The Deep South Writers Confer-
ence Competition and the Pittsburgh New Works Festival and
was also a finalist in the George R. Kernodle Contest. There
hove been over twenty productions, including The West Bank
Downstairs Theater production, which starred James Gandol-
phini. His work has been performed at Primary Stages, Circle in
the Square Downtown, The Turnip Festival, HERE theater,
LaMama, the Duplex, Playwrights Horizons, and at several the-
aters on Theater Row in New York, as well as at many other the-
aters around the country.
He is one of the country's foremost monologue and audi-
tion coaches, having helped thousands of actors in their search
for (and preparation of) monologues, as well as creating their
own material for solo shows. Glenn has lectured and taught at
such diverse places as The Edward Albee Theater Conference
(Valdez, Alaska), Southampton College, Governors School For
the Arts (Old Dominion University), The School for Film and Televi-
sion, Western Connecticut State College, Star Map Acting
School of Long lsland, the Dramatists Guild, The Learning Annex,
The Screen Actors Guild, The Seminar Center, Emblazon Produc-
tions, and Broadway's Artists Alliance and in the Boston public
school systern, as well as at many acting schools ali over the
country. In 1994 he created The Glenn Alterman Studio
(www.glennalterman.com), and through its auspices he has
worked privately as a monologue and audition coach and at
colleges, universities, and acting schools ali around the country.
Alterman presently lives in New York City where he is work-
ing on a new commíssioned play, cornpleting a screenplay,
coaching actors, gíving seminars, and occasíonally working in
film and TV
CONTENTS
Introduction ............................................ x
Acknowledgments ...................................... xiv
MEN'S MONOLOGUES
FRANK (30s) comedie, the brother of a criminal. .............. ; 2

CHARLIE (30s to 50s) comedie, a loner who loves animals ....... 3
BEN (20s to30s) dramatic, a man whose girlfriend died in a
tsunarni ............................................ 4
NED (50s to70s) dramatic, a doctor with a cure for the
terminally ill ........................................ 5
RON (30s to 40s) comedie, a guy who just hada strange encounter
ata bar ............................................ 6
HOWARD (20s to 40s) dramatic, a man recalls a moment when
he feared becoming a mugging victim ..................... 7
JOHN (40s) dramatic, a lawyer recalls the case of a man who
received an unfair verdict .............................. 8
ALFRED (20s to 40s), comedie, a man who's convinced he's insane .. 9
JOE KLIEN (40s to50s) comedie, a dead man who decides to
beco me an actor .................................... 1 O
JOHNNY (20s to 30s) seriocomedic, a bitter man attending
a family wedding .................................... 11
HOWIE (20s to 30s) dramatic, a son confronts his arrogant
father ............................................. 12
GREG (20s to early 30s) seriocomedic, an excited tourist in
New York City for the first time ........................ 13
REG (20s) comedie, a soap opera star talks about an embarrassing
experience ......................................... 14
WILIFRED (40s to 50s) seriocomedic, a man lectures a boy
about pollution ..................................... 15
HARRIS (30s to 50s) dramatic, a man recalls seeing someone have a
heart attack in a restaurant ............................ 16
MARK (20s to 40s) comedie, a frustrated writer ............... 17
JOHN DICKSON FISHER (40s to 50s) dramatic, a man who
believes he has cancer ................................ 18
V
GABE (20s to 30s) comedie, a man confesses to a fellow worker
that he's a fairy ..................................... 19
LEONARD (50s tci 60s) dramatic, a man talks about realizing his
mother has Alzheimer's ............................... 20
SEAN (late teens) comedie, a boy who wants to be a rock star .... 21
CHRISTIAN (20s to 30s) comedie, an actor upset about having
to do a one-minute monologue ......................... 22
MARSHAL (30s to 40s) dramatic, a death-row prisoner convinces
his lawyer not to go for any more appeals ................ 23
TAD (30s to 40s) dramatic, the accused brother of a murder
victim ............................................ 24
RALPH (20s) seriocomedic, a dog aching to be adopted ......... 25
SAtvl (40s to 50s) dramatic, a son recalls a tender moment
with his mother ..................................... 26
LUKE (30s) dramatic, the victim of a teenage criminal .......... 27
IAN (20s to 30s) comedie, a man who who can't say
the word "!ove" .................................... 28
JACK (30s to 40s) dramatic, a sergeant confronts a traitor ....... 29
MIKE (20s to 30s) dramatic, a lonely guy ata gym ............. 30
MICHAEL (20s to 30s) dramatic, a man confronts his childhood
abuser ............................................ 32
STEPHEN (20s to 30s) comedie, a closeted gay man about to
get married ........................................ 33
DYLAN (30s to 40s) dramatic, a man who recently broke up
with a woman ...................................... 34
ROBERT (20s to 30s) comedie, a neurotic man in a neurotic
relationship ........................................ 35
JOHNATHAN (30s to 50s) comedie, a singing teacher secretly
lusts after his student ................................. 36
MATHEW (20s to 30s) dramatic, a gay man talks about walking
into a crowded bar .................................. 38
LYLE (30s to 40s) dramatic, the father of a recently adopted child . 39
CLARK (30s) dramatic, a husband fed up with his wife's yelling .. 40
TED (20s) comedie, a man who has been fooled once too often ... 41
JOSH (30s to 40s) seriocomedic, a man with a disturbing dream .. 42
BILLY (30s to 40s) clramatic, a death-row prisoner ............. 43
ROB (20s to 40s) seriocomedic, a mysterious husband .......... 44
MIKEY (30s to 40s) comedie, a cheating husband trying to leave
his mistress ........................................ 45
vi
JEFFREY (20s) seriocomedic, an emotionally frozen actor. ....... 46
HARRY (50s to 60s) seriocomedic, a husband fed up with his
"New Age" wife .................................... 47
DR. GERALD ZERENFELD (40s to 50s) comedie, a doctor
fed up with the way his family treats him ................ 48
ARNOLD (20s to 40s) seriocomedic, a man with dangerous
thoughts .......................................... 49
KEN (20s) seriocomedic, a desperate actor .................... 50
CHARLES (30s to 50s) seriocomedic, a man talks about his manic '
rnind ............................................. 52
HAROLD (40s to 50s) comedie, a husband accused of infideliry ... 53
PETE (20s to 30s) comedie, a son tells his father about his night .. 54
PAUL (30s to 40s) seriocomedic, an artist recalls how his !ove of
art nearly killed him ................................. 55
WOMEN'S MONOLOGUES
JULIANNE (30s to 50s) seriocomedic, the inner thoughts of an

abused wife as her husband eats breakfast ................ 58
SHARON (late teens) dramatic, a girl who may have met the right
guy at a parry ...................................... 59
ELIZABETH (30s to 40s) seriocomedic, an office worker recalls
the last time she saw her boss .......................... 60
KATE (30s to 50s) dramatic, a mother's plea that her son
isn't brain dead ..................................... 62
PAt\1 (30s to 40s ) seriocomedic, a waitress tells how she deserted
her family ......................................... 63
YVONNE (50s to 60s) comedie, a "mature" actress defends
her choice to host a realiry TV show ..................... 64
SALLY (30s) dramatic, the neighbor of an accused pedophile ..... 65
CHARLOTTE (30s to 40s) seriocomedic, a wealthy wife
confronts her husband about his infideliry ................ 66
CLARISSE (30s to 50s) dramatic, a mother talks about her recently
adopted son ........................................ 67
GAIL (50s) dramatic, a mother-in-law confronts her son-in-law
about the murder of her daughter ....................... 68
JENNY (20s to 40s) seriocomedic, a businesswoman who is a
clown on weekends .................................. 69
vii
JANINE (30s to 50s) seriocomedic, a shop clerk stranded in
.~ilykonos, Greece .................................... 70
ROBERTA (20s) dramatic, a daughter meets her father for rhe
first time .......................................... 71
ESTELLE (60s) dramatic, a wife attempting to hide her medica!
results from her husband .............................. 72
MADREEN (teens) seriocomedic, a daughter whose mother left the
family to attend rhe Pope's funeral ...................... 73
JOAN (40s to 50s) dramatic, a mother recalls the day she found
out about her soldier son's death in Iraq .................. 74
FRAN (20s) seriocomedic, a woman recalls her friend's marriage
proposal at a football game ............................ 7 5
JENNIFER (20s to 30s) comedie, a woman recalls meeting a
handsome guy ata bar ............................... 76
MARGERIE (20s to 30s) dramatic, a victim of postpartum
depression ......................................... 77
ANA (30s to 40s) dramatic, an adoptive mother confronts the
birth mother ....................................... 78
SYBIL (30s to 40s) comedy, a woman who attends strangers'
memorials ......................................... 79
GLORIA (20s to 40s) dramatic, a mother who has
accidentally burnt clown her house ...................... 80
ANITA (30s to 50s) dramatic, an abused daughter finally confronts
her mother ......................................... 81
SHELLY (25 to 40) comedie, a woman fed up with her over
overanalytic boyfriend ................................ 82
KAMI (late 20s to 30s) dramatic, the sister of a murder victim .... 83
TAMMY (30s to 40s) comedie, a woman whose boyfriend has left
her for an older woman ............................... 84
KAREN (20s to 30s) dramatic, a woman accused of being
"unfeeling" by her boyfriend ........................... 85
GRETCHEN (30s to 50s) dramatic, a wife recalls her and her
husband's escape from a California mud slide .............. 86
CINDY (late teens) comedie, a daughter tells her dad about her
phone cal! with Leonardo DiCaprio ..................... 87
CHRISTINE (20s to 40s) seriocomedic, a woman recalls the day
she went to see Santa Claus ............................ 88
CHRISTY (30s to 40s) seriocomedic, a woman describes the date
from hell to her friend ................................ 89
viii
GINNY (20s to 30s) dramatic, a soldier describes her experience at
a detainee prison in Iraq .............................. 90
STAYCE (late 20s to 40s) dramatie, a woman talks to a dangerous
man she just met ................................... 91
ALICE (40s to 60s) serioeomedic, a wife recalls her first date with
her husband ........................................ 92
JEANETTE (50s to 60s) dramatic, a stalking vietim ............ 93
ELAINE (30s to 40s) seriocomedic, a woman tells of a life-changing
realization ......................................... 94
HELENE (40s to 60s) serioeomedie, a tenant denying she's trying
to seduce her super .................................. 9 5
GRACE (20s to 30s) comedie, a mother catches her young children
playing doctor ...................................... 96
GINA (40s) seriocomedic:, a businesswoman confronts amale
associate .......................................... 97
AISHA (40s to 50s) dramatic, an exorcist .................... 98
TERESA (30s to 40s) dramatie, a woman admits her fears of
bringing a child into the world ......................... 99
RUBY (teens) seriocomedie, a girl's hateful thoughts for
another girl ....................................... 100
RENEE (40s) dramatic, a wife confronts her celebrity husband ... 102
VIVIAN (20s) serioeomedie, an American Ido/ contestant ....... 103
HILLARY (late 20s to 30s) dramatic, a woman talks about her
fears of being terminally ill ........................... 105
ARLENE (50s) comedie, a wealthy, married woman having an
affair with her termis coach ........................... 106
GWEN (40s) seriocomedic, a CEO trying to seduce a co-worker
she just met ata bar ................................ 107
RENETTE (30s to 40s) dramatic, a desperately lonely woman
reaching out to a friend .............................. 108
PATTY (30s) comedie, a crook trying to convince her husband to
help her rob a bank ................................. 109
RHONDA (30s) dramatie, a cop saying good night to her
daughter ......................................... 11 O
MARGIE (20s to 30s) comedie, a woman describes the strange
man she met at a bar ................................ 111
HELEN (60s) comedie, a woman finally feeling liberated ....... 112
BETTE (late 20s to 30s), a runaway bride ................... 113
VERNICE (30s to 50s) seriocomedic, a woman who dreamt
George Clooney was her dentist ....................... 114
ix
INTRODUCTION
hen my publisher, Eric Kraus, first suggested my writing a

W book of 101 one-minute monologues, I had a mixed re-
sponse. Half of me felt that this could be the easiest book of
monologues I've ever written, and the other half felt that it could
be the most difficult. Well I was right, on both counts. As actors,
I'm sure you're aware, that one minute of dialogue is short; very
short! It's almost over before it begins. So the real task in work-
ing on these monologues would be to try to fit a character, a sit-
uation, an emotional are, a beginning, middle, and end, and
possibly even a conflict ali into one minute. We're talking instant
character, engaging dialogue, and a situation that resolves itself
almost immediately. Instant, instant everything! And add to that,
there had to be 101 totally different stories with 101 different
characters of ali ages, types, and social levels. Well, I !ove a good
c:hallenge. And there was no doubt, working on this book would
be an immense challenge. I agreed to do ir.
Audition monologues are first and foremost, marketing tools
whose only purpose is to help you get an agent, win an audition,
or showcase your acting skills to theater companies, directors,
and producers. Monologues are an invaluable part of every ac-
tors' marketing arsenal.Justas you must have an up-to-date pic-
ture and résumé, you should have at least four (or more)
well-rehearsed, ready-to-go monologues in your arsenal. One
question you must always ask yourself before selecting any
monologue is, "What is it I want them to see (know) about me
asan actor?" The monologue you select should revea! to the au-
ditors the best of what you have to offer at this time in your ca-
reer. I find that most actors pick a monologue because they like
the character or dialogue, or what the character in the mono-
X
logue is saying. While these are certainly very important factors,
they shouldn't be the only reasons you choose a specific mono-
logue. This is one of the rare times in your acting career where
you get to choose the material you'll be performing. Aside from
showcasing your talent, the monologue reflects your personal
taste, your aesthetic. Remember, this is the first impression that
the auditors will have of you asan actor (andas a person). Be se-
lective; don't make quic:k decisions. This is too important.' If
you'd like to leam more about how to prepare for monologue
auditions, please get a copy of my book, The Perfect Audition
Monologue (Smith and Kraus). In that book I discuss in detail
how you should select and work on new material. There's also a
long chapter of interviews with casting directors and agents dis-
cussing what they look for at monologue auditions.
What I suggest is that you first look through the contents of
this book. I've listed the monologues by their character names,
age range, whether they are comedie or drama tic (or serio-
comedic), and a quick reference as to what the monologue is
about. I wouldn't be too concerned about the age that's listed for
each character. Age is arbitrary, and you may find a monologue
that you like but notice that the age listed might be a little older
or younger than you. I say go for it.
After you select the monologues that interest you, read
through them. If you decide you like one, read ir again, but this
time read it out loud. If the words feel comfortable and you feel
a connection to the character, you may have a keeper. Don't limit
yourself. As I mentioned, you should have an arsenal of mono-
logues ready for auditions. You should constantly replenish stale
material with new ones that excite you. The exc:itement you feel
about new material often translates into enthusiasm in the audi-
tion room. And if there's one thing, aside from talent, that audi-
tors are looking for, it's enthusiasm.
Trust your instincts. If you personally identify with the char-
acter, what he or she is saying, what his or her situation is, work-
xi
ing on that character, personalizing the monologue, will be a lot
easier. This is not rhe time to stretch. If you want to use new act-
ing muscles, take a sc:ene study class.
Many casting directors have an incredible memory. Don't be
surprised if you happen to meet one ten years after you've audi-
tioned for them, and they're able to call you by your first name.
They remember, so make your auditions memorable. I strongly
believe you should never waste an audition trying out new mate-
rial. Every audition is important. You never know where that
casting director, agent, or director will end up clown rhe road.
You'll notice there are many monologues in this book rhat
are topical. Taking a cue from the Law and Order TV shows, I
realized that every day there are dramatic and humorous stories
in the news. Quite a few characters in this book have stories that
will seem very current. There's Vivían, an American Ido! contest-
ant; Bette, a runaway bride; Maureen, whose moro left their fam-
ily to go to Rome to attend the pope's funeral; and Jack, an army
sergeant in Iraq confronting a traitor soldier, among others.
In addirion to the 101 one-minute monologues, you'll find,
as a bonus, a slew of one-and-a-half- and two-minute mono-
logues. Sorne stories just couldn't be confined to one minute no
matter how hard I tried.
I hope you'll find many monologues in this book that you'll
want to use. I honestly believe there's something here for every
actor, no matter what his or her type or taste.
I'd like to thank the many actors who participated in the
workshops that we held to develop rhese monologues. I'd also
like to thank my students who worked on developing sorne of
these monologues as part of our work together. I'd especially like
to express my appreciation to the casting directors and agents
who took the time to read through the manuscript of this book
and make invaluable comments. And finally, I'd like to thank ali
of you who have bought my previous books and took the rime to
xii
write to me. Like actors, writers like to know that their work is
a pprecia ted.
I hope you'll find that perfect audition monologue in this
book. There certainly are many to choose from. Maybe one of
the monologues in this book will be the one that gets you that
agent or job that is the springboard to a successful career.
Best of luck,
Glenn Alterman
xiii
DEDICATION
I dedícate this book to ali the actors, casting directors, and agents
who have been so helpful with this book and ali of my previous
books. It's all about collaboration, and I couldn't have done it
without all of you. Much thanks to everyone.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To Ana Traína, Mary Joy, and the casting directors and agents
who took the time to read the manuscript for this book and give
me invaluable comments.
To my students who were instrumental in helping me shape and

rewrite these monologues: Susan Moses, Leslie Gail, Rick Marx,
Gregory Waller, Donald Flores, Jeff House, Jim Beaudin, Mark
Philip Jackson, Paul Krasner, Traci Skoldberg, Ross Laurence,
Brain Schneider, Annie Patterson, Hillary Parker, Amy Milano,
Chris Papandrea, Darryl Brown, Alicia Bowling, Jack Caputo,
Ann Christiane Moller, Steve Grodewald, Christopher Byron
Currie, Jeremy Redleaf, Jesse Kearney, Christopher Marchese,
Angelica Bluewolf, Seth Welnick, Bobby Holder, Heather
Aldridge, Ramon Villa, Judy Rosenblatt, Robin Gunning, Jordan
Valdez, Nadia Jordan, Patrick O'Connor, Anne Nadell, Adam
Montanaro, Patricia Cardello, and Mark Malick
xiv
MEN'S
MONOLOGUES
FRANK
30s
comedie
Frank tries to talk his mom into turning his

brother in for a reward.
All we gotta do, all we gotta do is tell him we wanna go

for a ride, a little ride, that's all. Tell him we're gonna go
to the mall, Ma. That we wanna go shopping. You know
how Tommy loves to shop. Tell him we wanna get sorne
nice new T-shirts. And then when we get him in the car,
we'll talk a lot, keep him talkin'. Then l'11 turn the radio
up real loud. And when he's not lookin', l'11 hit him on
the head. I won't hurt him, no, just knock him out. I
mean he's my brother, I love the guy. I'll just knock him
out a little, that's all. And then we'll bring him in, get the
money. All that money, Ma, think about it. We could go
to Puerto Rico or Jamaica. Sit in the sun and drink pina
coladas and margaritas around a swimming pool. And all
we gotta do is just get him in the car, knock him out,
bring him to the cops. And we'll visir him, I swear, every
month. And Tommy'll know we only did it for the money,
was nothing personal. So go ahead, go ahead Ma, go
wake him up. You wake him, and I'll go start the car.
2 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

CHARLIE
30s to 50s
comedie
Charlie, a /oner, talks about his /ove

of anima/s.
1
Basically, I just don't like people. Don't like 'em or trust
'em, that's ali. People are just too selfish. Give me animals
any day. Hey, I'm not saying animals don't have their
flaws, but if you feed 'em, they'll stay faithful. But people,
no matter how hard you try, sooner or later they'll stab
you in the back. And no matter how much you !ove 'em,
they'll leave you. That's been my experience. And that's
why I'm perfectly content right here in my animal para-
dise. I feed 'em, take care of 'em, and they !ove me much
more than either of my two bitch wives who ran off and
stole almost all my money. But I'm not bitter, no, I'm a
forgivin' man, I am. Let bygones be bygones. So I bought
me this farm, got me these animals. And now I'm as
happy as a pig in shit. Even got one, yeah, a pig. Named
her Nina, after my second wife. And I got twelve terrific
dogs, three adorable cats, eight furry, feisty gerbils, one
overfriendly boa constrictor, eight playful little sheep, a
parrot that can say "I love you," in both English and
French, a hamster, eight hens, and, of course, a horse.
Men's Monologues / 3
BEN
20s to 30s
dramatlc
Ben reca/1s the last time he saw hís gírlfríend.
Told her I was gorma go for a little jog. Said shé'd wait
for me there on the beach. She looked so great in that
new blue bathing suit. A quick kiss, last look, and I was
off. Was one of those great days when the air and the
ocean ... Beautiful. I was just getting a good pace going,
was looking out at the ocean. At first I thought maybe it
was the just the glare of the sun. It looked ... looked like
there was a mountain in the middle of the ocean. I
stopped, rubbed my eyes. Seemed like it was getting
larger, was moving in toward the beach-fast. This huge
dark mountain! I turned toward where Tonya was clown
the beach. Started screaming to her, but there was this in-
credibly loud sound from the ocean! I yelled, GET OFF
THE BEACH! But it was like my voice didn't have any
sound. Was like I was in a nightmare. I saw her just
standing there, way clown the beach, she looked stunned.
She had seen it, but couldn't move. People on the beach
were frozen, screaming! But it was that sound, and the
sight of the mountain coming toward us. THE ROAR;
THE ROAR! And THEN IT CAME, THE WAVE, THE
WATER! (A beat, very softly.) I remember ... remember
the first time she mentioned it, Sri Lanka. I said, "Sri
Lanka, isn't that a bit exotic?" "Oh come on, be brave
Ben. Let's be daring, have an adventure," she said. I could
see she really wanted to go. I kissed her, said "Sure,
why not?" Why not? I remember how great she looked
on the beach that <lay, in her new blue bathing suit. Her
smile ... Beautiful.

NEO
50s to 70s
dramatic
Ned ta/ks about the patients who come to

his clinic in the jungle.
They come here, hoping. They track me clown, travel far

to find me. They come here to the middle of the jungle to
see me-"the rniracle man." And I look in their terrified
eyes and tell them, "It's going to be okay." I give them a
look of calm and a smile of unspoken reassurance. And
their first night here they sleep better than they've slept in
months, maybe years. And they dream of a tomorrow
when all their pain will be gone, and they'll be cured.
When they cango home, and life will be just like before.
(A beat.) But there is no cure, of course not. All I have to
offer is a painless and picturesque demise, here in the jun-
gle. I feed thern wonderful drugs to take away their an-
guish, as they drift in and out, see the sandman and srnile.
l'm sort of like Santa, but I carry hope instead of toys. I
give them rnuch more than justa cure. And each night be-
fore they go to what might be their last sleep, I give each
and every one of them a gentle kiss on the cheek. And I
whisper to thern that they are loved; deeply, uncondition-
ally loved.
RON
30s to 40s
comedie
A guy who just had a strange encounter

ata bar.
So I go up to the bar, and there's this drop-dead gorgeous

girl. Let's call her Elaine, she never gave me her name.
Anyway, Elaine gives me the Iook. Pant, pant, I'm a
puppy in heat. I'd just come from the office Christmas
party, was a little loaded, stopped off at this bar for a
nightcap. And so we start talking, and she's saying things
I want to hear. I mean things! Nothing dirty, nothing
raunchy, but ... So I'm thinking maybe she's a pro, you
know? So I ask her, and she gets really offended. I apolo-
gize, buy her a drink. Well, severa! drinks later, I'm in
love, but my mind's in the gutter; and all I can think is
where's my rubber. Soon I ask her if she'd like to leave.
She says "Sure." BINGO! But when she stands up I notice
Elaine is tal!, I mean maybe six foot three. I look around
and notice that in this bar there's only men, many, many
men. Well, one plus one is two, and I ask her, and she
says "I thought you knew." I said, "No, I had no idea."
Man, what a drag. And so I leave, yeah, alone, as Elaine
smiles, waving from the window.

HOWARD
20s to 40s
dramatic
Howard reca/1s a moment when he thought

he was goíng to be mugged.
Maybe l'rn a coward, I don't know. All I knew is when i'

saw them coming toward me, I wanted to run, fast. All I
could imagine was the morning headline, "Man Mur-
dered in Park." It was dark, and I had decided to take a
shortcut. They were coming toward me. I could hear the
hip-hop on their boom box, as they got closer and closer.
Then their darkened silhouettes, shadows taking shape. I
wanted to disappear, disintegrate. Danger! Then there
they were, right in front of me. I smiled, as if to say, "Hey
man, l'm not afraid." But I neither stopped nor stared.
Faces, eyes, we saw each other. And then I continued
walking, just floated by. And as quickly as they carne,
they went. As if ... as if they weren't even there. Then I
began to wonder, were they ... were they there? Or was I
just ... ? It was dark, I left the park. Streetlights, cars,
people. Safe. Of course. Of course. What the hell was I
thinking?
V
JOHN
30s to 40s
dramatic
A /awyer talks of a prísoner sent to jaíl for a

crime he didn 't commit.
You have any idea what it must feel like? I mean he did
nothing wrong, this man, nothing! And because of sorne
unprepared court-appointed lawyer and a ridiculous wit-
ness, he was sent to jail for the rest of his life. To spend
his remaining years as a convicted felon. No one would
believe him, no one. His appeals, they were a joke. And
even though he pleaded, it was always-"You raped her,
killed her, pay the piper." Put yourself in his place for one
minute. See, they didn't know about DNA back then. Cir-
cumstantial evidence! So they let him rot there, twenty-
four years. Then, this last trial, the DNA was presented,
and it was over in a flash. Proof was always right there.
But what about him, huh, his life, his family? The twenty-
four years that he wasn't there! I'll never forget the look
in his eyes, the sound he made the moment they acquitted
him, let him go. And we all ran to him, my mother, my
brothers, my sisters, and me. Hugged him so tight, never
wanted to let go ... That's your legal system. And that's
what it did to me and my family.
B / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

ALFRED
25 to 40
comedie
Alfred has come to terms that he 's nuts.
(Manic.) Crazy insane thoughts. Nuts, nuts! So finally one

day I carne to the conclusion-I'm out of my mind! And'
you know how good it felt to finally accept, admit that
I'm CRAZY! You know how liberating that feels? I mean
all those years of trying to pretend I was sane, normal.
But then one <lay to finally admit to myself I AM STARK
RAVING MAD, A LUNATIC! See these eyes, see them?
Crazy, huh? These are the eyes, Linda, of a mentally un-
balanced man. KOO-KOO! KOO-KOO! (Beat, a little
softer.) And well, I was wondering about you. See, I saw
something, something in your eyes. Water seeks it's own,
you know. You're like me, I can feel it. Tell me Linda, are
you, are you nuts too? (A beat.) Look, I know this must
seem like lot for a first date. But you just said, "Tell me
about yourself." And well, why beat around the bush? So,
are you? Tell me Linda, are you, are you a lunatic, too?
JOE KLIEN
40s to 50s
comedie
A dead man who decides to become

an actor.
The day I died I couldn't figure out where I wanted to go,

y'know? See, when you're dead you can do anything, go
anywhere. Most people don't know that. I mean you
don't find that out 'til you die. Like most guys I believed
there was this heaven-hell thing. Well take it from me, it
doesn't exist. Anyway, I died and had to make sorne deci-
sions here. When I was alive, I was a cop, twenty-two
years. That's how I got shot, botched drug bust. Anyway,
I always loved going to a good movie. Wondered about
the actors, acting. They get so much money y'know, for
just making believe. Cops, fireman, we make near to
nothing. Heard Harrison Ford gets like twenty million a
movie. That's a lot of money! So I have decided in death
to come back and become an actor. S'never too late,
right? And I hear you have to go to these monologue au-
ditions here to get acting jobs, s'why I'm here. Gonna do
a monologue for you in a minute, a minute monologue.
But first let me ask, <loes Harrison Ford really get twenty
mil a movie? I mean <loes he make that much?
1O / 60 Seconds to Shine Vol ume 3

JOHNNY fl
seriocomedic
20s to 30s
A drunk, bíffer man attending

a family wedding.
(Somewhat drunk.) 1 don't know, man. 1 look at them

and wonder, am I in the right family? Maybe I was acci-
dentally switched at birth. 1 mean, 1'11 try talking to Aunt
Helen or whoever, and after maybe a minute or two,
there's nothing left to say. All this dead air. So l'11 go have
me a drink or two. And when I get a nice buzz going, 1'11
go back to Aunt Helen or whoever, give it another shot,
try talking to her. And l'11 feel like l'm really getting her.
l'11 be into this heavy rap about sorne relative or some-
thing, when I notice she's looking at me with disdain. Her
disgust, disapproval, I can feel it. And it really pisses me
off! She just can't bear to see me happy, a little buzzed.
So I just walk away, yeah, leave her there, screw her! At
least, at least I made the attempt! At least I tried! (Getting
louder, angrier.) See, 1 couldn't care less about her or any
of them! I just see them at these stupid weddings or ... !
(Then.) Hey, where you going? 1 was talking to you.
What happened? Where you going?!
HOWIE
20s to 30s
dromatic
Howie lambastes his father for being rude to

an attendant.
Does that make you feel strong, Dad, huh? Important?

How could you? That poor guy takes pride in what he
<loes. lt may not be much, but to him, to him it's every-
thing! So maybe he didn't go to college, or even high
school, but what he <loes here ... He's got his dignity,
Dad, and you just tried to take it away from him. The way
you talked to him just now, like he was nothing. Maybe
handing out towels in a men's room isn't as prestigious as
being a big CEO, but ... You know, y'know, let's forget
dinner, Dad. Suddenly, suddenly I lost my appetite.

GREG
20s to early 30s
seriocomedic
A tourist in New York City for the first time.
(Very excited.) You walk out an elevator, say helio, and

next thing you know, well here we are! Here you are!
God, I !ove New York! This could never happen where
l'm from. Mean there's like two thousand people in my
whole town. You are so beautiful, you are. You're proba-
bly the most beautiful ... ! And being here with you
now, my God, this was, this was ... incredible! God, I
!ove New York! Just got here this week. I'm sure you can
tell, huh? Tourist, right? Written ali over me? Anyway,
I've seen just about everything, museums, galleries, plays.
Been going almost twenty-four/seven since I got here. And
today, meeting you, and then one two three, here, my
hotel room. And you were amazing! This was the most ...
(Heartfelt.) You are an incredible woman, you know that?
Inside and out, incredible! (A beat, taking out his wallet.)
Now, how much did you say? Two hundred, right? Two
hundred dollars? (Handing her money, heartfelt.) Thank
you, thank you so much; I really mean it. (Then, with de-
light.) God, I !ove New York!
REG
20s to early 30s
comedie
Reg, a soap opera star, talks of an embarrassing

experience he had in a health club.
I was at the hotel health club, running on the treadmill.

Folks were staring at me. People talking, pointing. Hap-
pens all the time. I'm a daytime soap star, comes with the
territory. So I tried to focus on the TV, changed a channel
or two, pretend I don't notice them. I mean, sometimes
soap fans can be, well, invasive. See, when you're a soap
star, no matter where you go, people always recognize
you. Happened even there in a health club in Pit Stop,
Idaho, where I was doing sorne publicity for the show.
Then I noticed more people stopping, pointing. Finally I
decide, what the hell, I'll sign sorne autographs. But then
the guy on the next treadmill taps me on the shoulder,
says, "Míster, every time you flick the goddamn remate
you're changing ali the TVs here, we can't watch our own
shows! "Oh," I say, "l'm so sorry." I put clown my re-
mate. Everyone turns back, grumbles, and starts running
on their treadmills again. After a minute or two, I
stopped, slithered into to the locker room, got dressed,
and left. What a lesson in humility that was.

WILIFRED
40s to 50s
seriocomedic
A man gíves a stern /ecture to a young boy

about pollutíon.
1
And old Mother Earth she gets mad, I mean real pissed.
Gets sick and tired of all the shit man has heaped on her.
The pollution, filth, total disrespect. Mother Earth feels
raped; so she decides to have her revenge. So one <lay,
when man least expects it, when he's driving to work or
walking his dog, Mother Earth winks and has her way!
It's the end of the world, spelled out on her terms. She
starts to pop, fizzle, and explode! Sparks fly, fires start,
earthquakes. Then volcanoes, tidal waves! Mother Earth
is spewing her bile on everything! There's calamity, hyste-
ria··- REVENGE! (A beat.) And it all began with a little
asshole like you. With that piece of paper you dropped on
the street just now. And then you just walked away,
couldn't care less. You just shit on Mother Earth! Now go
pick up that paper, understand?! Or old Mother
Earth ... ! You pick up that paper NOW before she lays
havoc on all of us. DO YOU HEAR ME?!
HARRIS
30s to 50s
dramatic
Harrís reca/1s seeíng a man hove a heart

attack whíle he was about to hove lunch.
I was hungry, eager to eat my pastrami sandwich. lt was

lunch hour, crowded. So I'm sipping my coffee, looking
out the window, waiting for my sandwich, when I hear a
woman scream. Everyone in the restaurant turned toward
her. Across the room a man was holding his chest, his
face beet red. "Heart attack!" I heard someone say. Sev-
eral people rushed over. Next thing, the guy's on the floor,
peo ple leaning o ver him. "Call 911 !" Cell phones were
out, people calling. And we all stood there, waiting, quiet.
Is he dead? Did he die? Ambulance arrived within min-
utes. Then a buzz went through the restaurant, "He's
okay!" And everyone sits clown again, goes back to their
meals. They rolled him out through the rear entrance.
Passed right by me, oxygen mask on his face. And I don't
know why but I waved to him, this stranger, as he left.
He smiled, gave me a big thumbs-up. I sat clown and
there was my pastrami sandwich, waiting for me. I took a
bite, then another. Tell ya, was the most delicious pas-
trami sandwich I ever had.

MARK
20s to 40s
comedie
J
Mark is upset about being interrupted whi/e
trying to write.
What? What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? I'm'
writing! God, you piss me off! You do this all the time,
you do. It's like you just wait forme to build up my mo-
mentum. Just when I get things going, when I have an
idea that's ... Don't look at me like that! That won't
work! That will not work! I'm writing here, busy! You
have to wait! (He looks away and then back, slowly cav-
ing in.) You hate the snow, it's snowing out! (Giving up.}
Shit. Get your leash. Go ahead. Get your leash! I'm warn-
ing you, you better go as soon as we get out there. I don't
want to be standing ... (Softening.) All right. All right.
(Smiling.) All right. You win.
JOHN DICKSON FISHER
40s to 50s
drarnatic
John talks of his cancer scare.
When he carne in, he said, "We just don't know, need to

take more tests." But there was a look in his eyes, he
knew. He was lying. He was standing there with the other
doctors, all of them looking at me like I just peed my
pants or something. Ir felt like there was this long corri-
dor between me and them. Like they were miles away. No
one wanted to say it, that ir could be, that it was--cancer.
They're professionals, better than any poker players, but
their eyes, their eyes were giving it away. So you slowly
sink into your seat. You want to cry, but you can't. You
want them to hold you, but they can't. So you sink deeper
until you succumb. And then, you accept. (A beat.) A few
days later he called. His voice seemed so guarded. And
then he finally told me. You have no idea what that mo-
ment feels like. I simply said, "Okay, thank you." And he
repeated it, "You're fine, fine. We didn't find a thing.
You're not going to die." Did he say that, did I-or <lid I
just think it? And I breathe, breathe, and say, "Thank
you. Thank you." And I hang up. And I say it again and
again, "Thank you. Thank you."

GABE
20s to 30s
comedie
Gabe confesses to a fe/low worker that he 's

real/y a fairy.
I'm a fairy. Now you know. So is Nate. We both are. I

had to tell you. People in the office are starting to talk. I
know. I hear. I've heard. And I didn't want you to get
your hopes up, you're very nice. See, Nate and me, well,
we're not the only ones. Truth be told, a lot of people
here at Pillsbury are fairies. Every department, every divi-
sion-we're everywhere. See, we thought Pillsbury would
be the ideal company to operare from. You know, Pills-
bury, angel food cake. Never thought anyone would catch
on. Dumb thinking, huh? Angels, fairies, it's a whole dif-
ferent thing. (A beat.) Well, now you know. So if you no-
tice anyone being exceedingly nice, be aware, they're
probably fairies too. Our kindness, they say, it's a dead
give away. Fairies just can't help being nice. Now if you
don't mind, I'm going to take my shirt off and finally let
my wings out. (He starts to open his buttons.) I hate hid-
ing, being so secretive. (Smiling.) I'm tired of being a clos-
eted fairy. Wait, just wait'll you see my wings.
LEONARD
50s to 60s
dramatic
Leonard ta!ks about realizing his mother

has Alzheimer's.
The first time I noticed was on the phone, our weekly

conversation. Her voice seemed a little different. Then the
phone calls, they got weirder. At first I thought, okay,
she's j ust getting older. But when I carne clown here to
visit, that's when I saw it. I mean my mother was so beau-
tiful, always took such good care of herself. Now she
doesn't even comb her hair. She just sits there and ...
You pretend not to notice, you know. Try to keep the
conversation going. But you realize she's changed, differ-
ent. Everything is. (A beat.) lt's up to me, isn't it? I have
to make the decision here, don't I? She can fall, hurt her-
self. I'm sure you've heard this all befare, haven't you?
This is the right thing I'm doing, isn't it? ... She'll be
happy here, won't she? Won't she?

SEAN
Late teens
comedie
Sean revea/s his dream to be a rock star.
I'm gorma be a rock star, man! And everyone's gorma

1
know my name, everyone! And I'm gonna get laid a lot,
cause rock stars have orgies and everything! Asians, black
girls, even Jewish chicks, man. Be beggin' for me, every
night, at my hotel <loor. 'Cause rock stars are royalty!
And I'm gonna be badder than the Stones and bigger than
the Beatles! And rock stars get lots of drugs, man, de-
signer drugs. People just give 'em to you. And I will snort
endless amounts of everything, be buzzed all the time.
Until finally, in sorne stadium somewhere, I will OD, in
front of thousands of adoring fans. Drama, flashbulbs,
pandemonium! And it'll be in the papers and on TV. And
they'll have to take me to rehab. 1'11 get like a million fan
letters. Then l'11 have a miraculous COMEBACK! Get to
play bigger stadiums, get movie offers, books, everything!
(A beat.) And all I gotta do is just get out of here. Get out
of this hell-hole town. So I need you to advance me the
money, man. I'm good for it, pay you back. I prornise
man, I swear. I swear, man.
Men's Monologues/ 21
CHRISTIAN
20s to 30s
comedie
/ Christian freaks out when he learns

he has only one minute to do a
monologue for an audition.
One?! One minute?! You're kidding. What can you ... ?

ONE MINUTE?! By the time I say, "Hello, my name is .. .
My monologue's from ... " One minute's not enough! I'm
an actor. I've worked hard, studied for years. Can't you
give me at least two, c'mon, two minutes, please? Two
minutes!-All right, all right, how about a minute and a
half. Minute and a half, that's justa half minute more! A
half a minute! Look, I know you're busy, got a lot of ac-
tors to see. I totally respect your time, but one minute is
just ... It's disrespectful! l am an actor. I ... (Stops.)
What? My time's up? But I didn't do ... I haven't done
my monologue yet. (Then, softly, sadly, as he leaves.)
Sure. Sorry. Thank you.

MARSHALL
30s to 40s
dramatic
Marshall, a prisoner on death row,

tries to convince his lawyer not to go
for any more appea/s.
lt's not like I saw bright lights or angels singing. lt's more
like a shift, change of mind, different point of view. See,
I've come to totally accept that what I did was wrong,
terrible. And those families, they deserve better. I killed
six women, man. Cold blood. Their families deserve ... I
NEED TO DIE NOW! No more appeals, all right? Stop
the prolonging. I want you to go in there and tell 'em it's
over-endgame. And I'm going to go back to my cell and
pray for everyone, everywhere. You did a good job.
You're a good lawyer, but it is time to cut our loses. Go
ahead. Go tell them it's over. Let them sleep well tonight.
Be a good guy, go.
TAO
30s to 40s
seriocornedic
Tad reveals to his wife that he secretly had a

brother who was a criminal.
There's something I have to tell you ... I have a brother.

Well I had a brother, he's dead, died a couple of days ago.
They found his body in a dumpster near a motel, few
miles from here. They don't know how he died, but they
say he was brutally murdered. I know I should have told
you about him, but he was kind of the black sheep of the
family. Y'know, drugs, jail. Haven't seem him in years.
Well, he called here a few days ago. You were at your
mother's. Asked me to meet him at this motel. Figured he
needed sorne money so I said no. But he pleaded, so I
went. He looked terrible. I'd never seen him look so
bad-dirty clothes, filthy. And from the minute I got
there, we <lid nothing but argue. Soon we went from ar-
guing to fighting. Lamps broke, the room was wrecked.
But when I left, when I left that motel, he was alive!
Bloody, beaten, but alive. And now, now the cops think I
<lid it. I swear, I SWEAR, I didn't! When I left he was ...
I know I should have told you, I know. But you have to
believe me about this, you have to.

RALPH
20s (in human years)
seriocomedic
Ralph is aching to be adopted.
What, what are you looking at? Why you staring? What,
you want to know something about me, sorne back- '
ground information? Don't you have anything better to
do than just stand there and judge me? I go through this
all day. Make up your mind! (A beat.) Hey, you want me
to look cute for you, that what you want, cute? Well, let
me tell ya, I do cute very well. (He makes a cute face.) I
do cute better than anyone, anyone here! Want me to roll
on my back, huh? (He looks lovingly.) How's that, you
like that? SO MAKE UP YOUR MIND! You have any
idea how many times a day I go through this every day?
It's exhausting! How can you resist me? I'm housebroken
for Christ's sakes! C'mon, c'mon, take me home. I'm
great with kids, can fetch on cue. All right, ali right, I'm
no puppy, who is? That puppy crap's overrated. I got ex-
perience, learned life lessons- Hey, hey, where you
going? Where you going?! You want cute? I can ... ! I
can roll over, retrieve! (A beat, bitterly.) Hope you get a
puppy with worms. This torn newspaper here is just fine.
This cage here is perfect. Who needs you? WHO NEEDS
YOU?!
SAM
40s to 50s
dramatic
Sam reca/1s a tender moment

wíth hís mother.
lt was a moment, justa moment, that's all. We were out-

side the restaurant, had just finished dinner. The valer was
getting our car. I was standing behind her. Maybe I had
too much to drink, I don't know. But for sorne reason
I placed my hand on her shoulder. Unusual. I don't usu-
ally ... She was sitting there in the wheekhair, looking
straight ahead, kind of spaced out. Then she <lid some-
thing that genuinely surprised me. She placed her hand on
mine, and she left it there. She didn't look up or smile ...
She just touched my hand, started patting it. I can't re-
member the last time ... I mean this was a woman not
known for her warmth. At first I wanted to pull my hand
out from under hers. lt was too ... ! But I left it there.
And she continued patting it, as if this moment was so
natural. l'11 never know if she even knew what she was
doing. Maybe it was just the dementia. But it didn't mat-
ter. To me, that moment, well, it was wonderful. lt was a
moment l'd waited for my whole life.

LUKE
30s
dramatic
Luke tells how a young criminal
almost killed him.
She just showed up, my cabin in the country. Had no idea
who she was, or even how she found my place. I mean '
I'm in the middle of the woods. But there she was stand-
ing ar my <loor. Said she was lost, could I help her. I felt a
bit like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hoocl. Maybe it was
the way she lookecl at me, so innocent. But ... there was
this playful look in her eyes too. Ir was then I began to
woncler, hey, who's the wolf here? Told her I clicln't have a
phone, left my cell ar home. She saicl it dicln't matter,
coulcl she please come in, it was so cold. She was maybe
seventeen. But from the moment she sat clown, I knew I
was in trouble. I macle coffee, tolcl her I'cl take her into
town. She startecl telling me about her life. Abuse, clrugs,
running away. Ancl as she talked, she kept moving closer,
closer. Ancl for a moment I thought, hey, why not, who'cl
know? But then I said, "I think we'cl better go." She
lookecl ar me ancl saicl, "No." Her moocl changed, sucl-
denly. That's when out she pullecl out the knife. Then she
macle me get unclressecl, tiecl me to the chair, nakecl. She
became a whole different person. Mean, c:olcl, harcl. Told
me I shouldn't mess with minors. What? She startecl
sweating. Then she took my wallet, my car keys, ancl left.
Left, just like that. Left me there naked in the chair. Next
thing I smellecl smoke. My cabin was on fire! ... I clon't
know how I got out of there. I rollecl, tumblecl, broke
nearly every bone in my left leg. Burns on nearly a fifth of
my bocly. Luckily, someone heard me screaming in the
woocls. Very lucky ... Well, the cabin burnt clown. Oh,
they founcl her, yeah, about a month later. Car crash, my
car, cleacl. Her bloocl was fillecl with meth amphetamine.
Sacl. Crazy. Crazy.
IAN
20s to 30s
comedie
Ion Just can 't soy that scary word "/ove."
No, no it's not you. lt's just ... it's the word, okay? I
can't say it to anyone. Always. Even my mother. I'll be on
the phone with her, y'know, and at the end, she always
says, well, y'know, the word. Always. Hate it. lt feels like
a trap to get me to say it back. But I always just say
"Yeah, bye." And you mean a lot more to me than her. So
it's not ... I just can't say it. I've tried. My tangue sticks
to the top of my mouth. (He tries.) Lo ... Lo ... I'rn
sorry. And if our relationship is contingent on rny having
to say it, then, well ... You know how much I care for
you. What's a word? Long as you allow me this one little
thing. To never have to say it. Not in person, not on the
phone, not even on a Christmas card. So that's all I have
to say on the subject. Let's just go to bed. What time you
have to get up? I'll set ... Hey, where you going? Why
you getting dressed? -Hey, what's wrong?

JACK
30s to 40s
dramatic
A sergeant confronts a traitor

in his company.
Those were my men, Mike. I trusted you! How could

you-how could you do this? Don't you know they'll kill
you when they're through with you? You think those ass-
holes are your friends? (A beat.) What's it like, huh?
What's it like to wake up every morning, knowing you're
a Judas?! That you'd cut the throats of guys who'd pro-
tect your ass? What:'s it feel like, huh? (A beat.) Two of
my men are dead. They're dead because of you! Now t:wo
American families have to be told that their fathers, their
husbands, are gone because sorne asshole decided to
switch allegiance midstream. You best start praying to
your Allah or whoever the fuck you pray to. 'Cause
you're going to need all the help you can get, man. I hope
they fry you, I do. I hope they burn your ass.
MIKE
20s to 30s
drarnatic
Míke yearns for /ove but

pretends he's just workíng out
(An inner monologue.)

l'm the guy, yeah.
You always see me in the gym, yes.
Every day.
Always focused,
looking straight ahead.
Working out.
Staring in the mirror-at myself.
Focused.
And you think,
must think,
he's so conceited.
But I see you from the comer of my eye.
Ido,
yes.
But I never say hello, no.
Never even look your way.
Just stay focused
Focused on me, in the mirror.
Pumping, pumping.
But actually
l'm aware,
very aware,
you're there.

And I wish
I could stop,
turn to you,
say-"Hello."
Then hold you in my arms
and kiss you.
And make love to you.
I wish.
I wish.
Wish I wasn't
so terrified!
That's why I hide here,
every <lay.
Always staring in the mirror
at myself.
Watching my muscles grow.
As I pump,
and pump,
and pump!
MICHAEL
20s to 30s
drarnatic
Michael confronts the man

who abused him as a child.
How's the family, huh? Kids must be in college by now.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, but, well, you know. You
want know the biggest secret I ever had? Think you might
know it. I've kept it in a cupboard in my head. Hidden.
Al! these years. But I'd open that cupboard every once in
a while. When I'd try getting serious with someone, POP,
there it was, my secret! S'funny how the past can come
back and bite you! Like when I'm try to get dose to
someone, POP, your face suddenly appears. Isn't that
odd? A wedge, a reminder! Unde Bob. Wanna know
something? I liked it. I liked it when you <lid it to me
back then. Because you were paying attention. Weren't
yelling or hitting me like ... But Uncle Bob, you were the
adult, you should have known better. Anyway, that cup-
board's wide open now. Know why? I know there were
others. You've been busy with the boys, Bobby. We've
started a little club, called it The Survivors of Unde Bob
Club ... So, let's talk business. Let's talk cash or I cal! the
cops ... You were always my favorite unde, you know
that? Always. Always, Uncle Bob.

STEPHEN ¡_/
20s to 30s
comedie
Stephen tries to talk his way out of

an indiscretion he committed.
What's this about? Talk, tell me ... This about last night,
that "incident" in the closet? I told you, told you, it was
nothing. We were drunk, fell on the floor, that's al!. (Ten-
der/y.) Honey, c'mon, I love you, you know that. And we
are gonna have a great wedding tomorrow. You just have
to trust me. I had no idea that guy was gay. To me he was
just another guest at the party. We were in that closet
looking for a bottle of Absolut, we ran out. And we fell,
that's how we ended up on the floor. We used to keep the
liquor in that closet, remember? And it's dark in there. So
cramped, that's why I was on top of ... Honey, we have
all our guests here from out of town. You just have to
pull it together. You'll see, we'll both feel better after
brunch. We'll have sorne nice spinach quiche. Let me fix
your hair, c'mon. And we have to do something about
that dress before we go downstairs. Let me pin it for you.
We are gonna have a great wedding, just wait and see ...
Honey, c'mon, don't look at me like that. Do I look gay?
DYLAN
30s to 40s
dramatic
Dylan decides to final/y go out in the world.
It's a beautiful day. I'm going to go outside-soon. Sun's

shining, air looks so fresh. Think it's time. I'm tired of sit-
ting here, watching TV. Tired of being inside here for so
long. Sitting here in this house, alone. Guess I'm just tired
of being tired. Tired of thinking about her all the time. Of
mourning for our marriage. It's over, and I'm over it. I'm
over her! And now I want to go out! Want to see people,
do things. I'm going to turn off this TV soon and leave. "
That's what I'm gonna do. It's a beautiful day. And I'm
gonna go out, I am. I'm going to go outside-soon.

ROBERT
20s to 30s
comedie
A neurotic man in a neurotic relationship.
What, are we competing, huh? 'Cause if we are, you win.

1
You win, okay? If we need to see who's more needy you
win, hands clown. I didn't just tell you about my family to
set up sorne sort of pity-me rivalry. And you do this a lot,
you do. I'll share something sad about myself, and next
thing I know, you're telling me how it was worse for you.
What is that about? Can't I have a single moment of mis-
ery by myself? Must it always be this negative competitive
thing? Right now, I just want to be my own tree, okay?
Want to stand all alone in my own forest and be miser-
able. Alone, thirsty, without a drop of rain. I want to be-
come bone dry thirsty. And I DO NOT want any other
tree in the forest to tell me how they're more thirsty than
me, 'CAUSE I DON'T CAREi To put it another way, if
you want to watch my car wreck, you have to promise to
just look. You cannot be the other car in the accident!
Now I want to continue telling you about my miserable
mother. If you feel you must compete, at least let me fin-
ish first.
JOHNATHAN
30s to 50s
comedie
Johnathan, a singing teacher,

secretly /usts for his young student.
(To his student.) "Let the sound out. Open wide.

From the diaphragm. From the diaphragm! Open. Open."
(To himself.) That blouse, that blouse is so revealing.
Luscious. I love your neck. I love your neck! Your skin,
so soft, dark, delicious. And the way that blouse just
barely ... God, how I'd love to ... !
(Speaking to her, the teacher, very professional.)
"Breathe. Big breath. Full ... Nice. Continue."
(Back to inner monologue.) Come to bed-now! I can
carry you. I can carry you into my bedroom.Then I'll rip
t:hat lovely blouse off, tear those clothes. Lick, kiss every
inch. Make you beg for ... !
(Talking to her, very professional.) "Another breath.
Stand straight. Tall. Much taller. Yes. Correct. Continue."
(Inner monologue.) I'll push you clown on my bed.
Smell you, lick! Kiss those luscious lips! Then rip my
clothes off. And you'll moan and I'll ...
(To her, professional, more urgent.) "Now finish it.
Hit that note!"
(Inner monologue.) Hit it!
(The teacher.) "Higher!"
(Inner monologue.) Deeper!
(Teacher.) "Now breath, breathe!"
(Inner monologue.) Lick!
(Teacher.) "Breathe!"
(Inner monologue.) Sweat!
(Teacher.) "Sing!"

(Inner monologue.) ECSTASY! ECSTASY!
(A beat, then, softly, professional, a bit exhausted.)
"Nice. Very, very nice. That's enough for today. I want
you to know I'm very pleased with the work you're
doing. You should be very proud of yourself. Your voice
is really coming along. Tell your mother I said you're
doing excellent work, excellent. Okay, next week, same
time."
MATHEW
20s to30s
dramatic
Mathew talks about the terror of walking into

a crowded gay bar.
I hate it when I first walk in. S'like crashing through a

glass door. That endless wall of eyes. Everyone undressing
you with their cruisy unsaid hellos. I hate it. But when I
get to the bar, have a drink or two, well that wall sort of
melts. After a couple of vodkas, it ali changes. I see
smiles, a wekoming committee. Then maybe I'll have an-
other drink, just one more. Party time! Then I get up
from my bar stool and float through the crowd, Caesar
conquering Rome. Suddenly everyone seems like my new
best friend. A smile, a wink. The ocean seems to part, and
I'm the new Moses. Ali those bodies rubbing up against
me as I make my way from here to there. No destination
in mind, I'm just enjoying the journey. All those men,
those men! I say a playful hello-but only with my eyes. I
smile, I invite, and I wait. And while waiting, well, maybe
just one more vodka, or two, tops. As I wait, then lean on
the bar. Wait, stand, and smile.

LYLE
30s to 40s
dramatic
Ly/e shares how his young adopted son

changed his life.
Thought I had it ali figured out. You know, you work

hard during the week, and you party hearty on weekends.
But eventually it became like a broken record. Got to a
point where my life was totally predictable. One night I
realized I might never meet anyone, and I realized I was
really lonely. Well, I'm not into dogs or cats, and so I
thought, why not adopta child? I've gota good job, I'm
responsible. And I love kids. And after sorne heavy soul
searching I realized I wanted a son. So I began the process
first thing the next <lay. The phone calls, the paper work,
the interviews. It's not easy, believe me. Being a single guy
and ... And finally, after what seemed like forever, I was
on my way to Russia to meet my new son. And from the
moment I saw him, from that very moment, I knew. The
look in his eyes. Little fingers, little hands. Instant; in-
stantly. On the plane coming back, I couldn't take my
eyes off him. It was amazing. (A beat.) I call him Charlie.
And there's always something to show him, something we
can do-always something. And what I !ove most about
him, he's totally-unpredictable.
CLARK
30s
dramatíc
A husband fed up with his wife's

yelling and whining.
When I was a kid I was really fat. And sometimes when

the other kids made fun of me, or would throw rocks or
crap at me, I'd do this weird thing. You see Superman
was the hot TV show back then. And I loved watching it.
You might say I idolized him, Superman. And so what I'd
do when these kids were making fun, throwing stuff, I'd
just stand there, yeah. Lock my hands on my hips and
stand tall, strong, just like Superman. I could almost
imagine my cape flying in the wind. I felt-invincible.
And I really didn't feel a thing, nothing. And that's how I
feel now, here, with you. Clark Kent has turned into Su-
perman. And your screaming, ranting, see it doesn't really
affect me anymore. Want to know why, huh? (Placing his
hands on his hips, Superman style.) I'm Superman, Super-
man, baby! So you can yell and scream and all you want.
I can no longer hear you. I'm beyond you. I'm-Super-
man, Superman!

TED
20s
comedie
Ted is enraged that his best shoes

hove been destroyed.
I can't believe it. I fell for it. Way you sat there, looking
so ... What a fool I am, huh? You kind of get a kick out
of this, don't you? Knowing that I'm buying into your act
of innocence. You've pulled this befare and every time,
EVERY TIME I fall for it! You'd think by now l'd learn,
huh? Well l'11 tell ya, l'm on to you now. And things are
gonna change around here! Don't ignore me. You look at
me! I know you're listening. Don't you dare walk away
from me! (A beat, softer.) Listen up missy, from now on, I
will never trust you here alone, ever again. You are ban-
ished to the backyard. When I'm not here, you're not
here. And as far as what you've <lid to my shoes, my
BEST Italian loafers ... I'm taking it out in dog food.
There'll be less chow in your bowl tonight. Now get out
of my sight, go! Outside, doghouse, now!
JOSH
30s to 40s
seriocomedic
Josh talks about a strange dream he had.
I dreamt I saw a baby in a toilet bowl. It was adorable,

an infant, and it was singing. Singing, yeah, right there in
the toilet bowl. It was floating on top of the water. And I
was standing right next to the baby's mother, who j ust
happened to be my mother also. We were both looking
clown at this tiny tot in the toilet. And she was so proud,
my mother, his mother. And in my dream, I could feel her
happiness, yeah. And the child began to shake it's tiny lit-
tle bum. So cute, adorable! And the movement from the
baby's tush started stirring the water in the toilet, making
like little waves. And befare you could say flush, the toilet
<lid. And it flushed the baby clown into the abyss below.
We stood there, my mother and me, shocked. The baby
was gone. And in her hysteria, my mother blamed me.
She felt that I had flushed the toilet. Blame, blame. I told
her, "No, I didn't!" And finally she believed me. And we
both stood there, looking clown into the empty toilet feel-
ing this tremendous sense of loss. That happy, singing
baby was flushed away forever. And when I woke up, I
felt so sad. So very, very sad.

BILLY
30s to 40s
dramatic
Bílly, a criminal, tells his !awyer that

he wonts to toss in the towel.
Are you kidding? You kidding me?! Who asked you, whÓ
asked you to, huh? Haven't you got any god-damned
compassion?! That girls' parents need sorne closure, and
so do I. I'm tired of all your legal showmanship. IDO
NOT want any more appeals, understand?! See, this isn't
about me. S'bout you, you greedy little prick. Your pic-
ture in the paper, your face on TV, that's what this is re-
ally about: your career. Trying to show the world how
much you care about me. Yeah, right, sure. I killed those
girls, I was convicted, and now it's over. Now go out
there and tell 'em Billy-boy is throwing in the towel. Put
on your phony caring face and say we had a change of
mind. Tell 'em to gas up that chamber; I'm ready. Don't
look at me like that. I'm on to you. Now stop being such
a goddamned-lawyer-and go tell them no more!
ROB
20s to 30s
seriocomedic
Rob tells hís wífe where he

dísappears to al/ the time.
(Very serious.) I'm going to tell you something. I don't

want to frighten you, okay? Remember that time, just be-
fore we got married, you know when we went clown to
the Caribbean? Remember how I kept disappearing every
<lay, and you got worried? And when I got back I told
you I just went for a walk. But you didn't believe me, re-
member? And that other time a couple of years ago, when
I went on all those business trips, and you were so suspi-
cious. You were convinced I was lying, remember? And
all those other times, when you accused me ... I'm gonna
tell you the truth. Honey ... I'm from another planet, a
planet called Zeno. And we've come here to earth to take
over your planet. We need human brain cells. Our civi-
lization is dying and ... (Suddenly smiling.) Honey, I'm
pulling your leg! I was kidding! You're always so suspi-
cious, I figured .... You actually believed that?! God! I
just wanted to scare you. (A beat.) Well I'm going to
beam myself into the bathroom. I'll be right back. (As he
leaves.) You actually believed all that? God, you're
gullible.

MIKEY
30s to 40s
comedie
A cheoting husband
trying to /eave his mistress
C'mon, don't look at me like that. Don't do that, you

know it makes me nuts. I mean wasn't it great just now,
huh, wasn't it? Wasn't that sex we just had INCREDI-
BLE?! Three times in a row, thought I was gonna have a
heart attack here! And it wasn't just the sex. And you
would know, you would, 'cause you're smart. Wasn't just
the sex. No one can pull the wool over your eyes. You're
bright, that's what I like about you. Knew it the first
minute I met you. S'why I hired you. (A beat.) Look, I
gotta go, she's waiting. The kids, dinner, I'm late. I swear
if it wasn't for those kids ... ! I'll see you tomorrow, in
the office ... Oh yeah, don't forget to bring the key
clown to the desk. They get real pissed when you leave it
in the room. (One last look.) God, you make me crazy!
(Smiling.) There oughta be a law against you!
JEFFREY
20s
seriocomedic
Jeffrey is trying to open up

emotionally for an audition.
(An inner monologue.) I arn trying. I'rn standing here des-

perately trying to show you my emotions, my feelings, but
I can't. l'm trapped; I'm in my head. The words, they're
coming out, yeah, but there's nothing underneath, I know.
I'm emotionally dead up here. God, this pisses me off! I
feel like stopping right now and saying, "l'm better than
this, I am! Justa few hours ago, you should have seen, I
was all loosey-goosey with feelings at home. I was emo-
tionally FULL! Laughter, tears, I was--connected!" But
when I walked in here, introduced myself, it was like this
giant gate carne crashing clown. My mouth suddenly went
dry, my arms got heavy. You must be thinking, "Send this
one back to acting school." But I am better than this, re-
ally! You should have seen my rehearsal at home ... I'm
wonderful-at home. Do you make house calls? l'm really
sucking up here. l'm better than this. Really. Really I am.
Shit.

HARRY
50s to 60s
seriocomedic
A husband fed up with his "New Age,, wife.
I don't know you anymore, Anne. You keep telling me

you're "evolving." Well let me tell you, the "work" you've
been doing on yourself, I think it's a bunch of crap! And if
you use that word "empower" once more ... ! Where's
the lady I used to love? That wonderful woman who gave
me kids and would cook and keep house. Where is she?!
You've changed ali right. Now you're more macho than
me! You and your women's groups and your power
breakfasts. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I liked things
the way they were. You were home, we'd watch TV,
maybe send out for pizza, Chinese, whatever. What was
wrong with that, huh, what? (A beat.) I miss who you
were. And I don't like who you've become. And if you
can't "evolve" your way back to the way it use to be, I'm
gonna "empower" myself and leave you, understand?
Now take that to your power breakfast and chew on it!
DR. GERALD ZERENFELD
40s to 50s
comedie
A doctor fed up with the way

his family treats him.
(Frustrated.) In my office l'm God, understand? My pa-

tients look up to me. They worship my every word. I'm
admired, respected! But then I come home, and how do
you all treat me? I'm either ignored, or looked clown on,
or laughed at. Laughed at, by my own spoiled daughters.
And then I'm debased, humiliated. Humiliated, yes, by
you. You, my for-better-or-worse wife. I mean how dare
you ask me-no, no-tell me to go empty the garbage.
The garbage, me, the guy who is God every day in his of-
fice! Who saves lives, whose patients cling ... ! No, I will
not empty the goddamned garbage! Isn't that what we
hired a housekeeper for?! (A beat, composing himsell) I
am going upstairs to my den to read my paper and relax.
If you want to see me, to apologize, l'll be upstairs on my
throne. (He scowls, gives a regal wave good-bye, and then
as he leaves.) I am God. God, understand?!

ARNOLD
late 20s to 40s
seriocomedic
Tímíd Arnold shares hís víolent thoughts.
I have these imaginary conversations in my head. You

know, things I should have said. And in my mind-talks, I'
am the ultimate, end-all alpha male. Say things I'd never
have the nerve to say. And in my mind, I love how I look,
how I sound, what I say. Love standing up to all those
pricks in my office who put me clown every <lay. Those
guys who laugh behind my back, never sit with me at
lunch. Who make me st ... st ... stutter when I talk to
them. But in my mind-talks I never stutter, no. I have a
calm, powerful Darth Vader voice. And I !ove the look of
shock on their faces when I pull out my gun. See, in my
head, I have a pistol in my hand. And I'm holding it right
up to my boss's head. Watching him and everyone in the
office beg for their lives. Then there's that wonderful mo-
ment when I decide to kill them. Last looks. No good-
byes. Then I slowly pul! the trigger and BANG, blood
splatters on every wall! I feel like God or something! ...
But then the phone rings, and I'm back at my desk. It's
someone from accounting yelling at me. So I st ... st ...
stutter an apology, then hang up, and look out my win-
dow. And I think and dream how sorne <lay, sorne <lay,
yeah, sorne <lay, soon.
KEN
20s
seriocomedic
Ken reca/1s how glorífyíng hís actíng career

got hím ínto trouble.
Things had been really slow, depressing. Hadn't gotten an

acting job in so long, was all bummed out. And I bumped
into this actor friend of mine. He asked what I was up to.
And rather than just whine about how lousy things were,
I told him I'd just gotten castina large role in a film op-
posite Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, yeah. Have no idea
why I told him that, I just did. And my friend went,
"Wow!" and I went, "Yeah." And for that moment I al-
most believed it, and it made me feel good. Anyway, a
c:ouple of days later, I bumped into another actor friend.
Told him I'd just gotten the lead, yeah, the lead in a
movie opposite Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts, right! And
my friend went, "Wow!" And I went, "Yeah! And for
that moment I actually believed it. Went on and on about
the audition, and how nice Julia was to me, and I really
believed it, believed it all. And it made me feel really
good! Well soon I started getting all these phone calls
from actor friends, congratulating me about all my good
news. And I'd tell each one of them a bigger lie. A film
for Steven Spielberg, a lead in a Broadway show, my own
TV series: I just kept pouring it out! And they all, all of
them, went, "Wow!" and I went, "Yeah! YEAH!" And by
now I totally believed all of it! And I figured hey, since
I'm going to be such a big star, I need a new wardrobe. So
I went on a buying spree, Barney's, Hugo Boss, the best.
Then I started taking al! my friends out to dinners at ex-

pensive restaurants. Would sit there, telling them about ali
my upcoming movies and plays. And everyone went,
"Wow! Wow!," and I'd yell, "Yeah! Yeah!! YEAH!!" (A
beat, then softly.) So that's why I'm here, looking for
work. Anything. I am thousands and thousands of dollars
in debt. I'm desperate, broke, I'll do anything. Dish-
washer, janitor, scrub floors. I lied and lied, and my life's
1
a mess. And all I can think now is (Softly, sadly.) "Wow.
Yeah. Yes."
CHARLES
30s to 50s
seriocomedic
Charles talks about his rnanic mind.
My head gets so full! Thoughts, unspoken chattei-. Yatta-

da, yatta-da. I'm run over by my own thoughts, now isn't
that odd? And finally I collapse into a chair in complete
despair. YATTA-DA, YATTA-DA! I hold my hands to my
head and scream, "Stop, stop!" But it just continues, the
yatta-da, yatta-da. Makes me crazy. So finally I just yank
my head from it's socket! Yeah, rip it out from its roots,
right from the neck! And I stand there, holding my de-
tached head in my hands, as it sputters away. Yatta-da,
yatta-da. Gently, I place it in the chair next to me. And it
continues to splatter and chatter on the chair, until finally,
thank God, it stops. Stops, quier. And there's peace, a
lovely calm. And I sit there and see my head, not moving,
immobile. Wishing it could always be that way. But un-
fortunately, no, it can't. And after too brief a respire, I
slowly lift ir up, place it back in it's socket, until I hear
the suction. It reattaches, revs up, reboots. And then once
again the endless chatter: yatta-da, yatta-da! Yes, it begins
again. As always, another <lay. Another day, of unspoken
chatter-yatta-da, yatta-da-in my head.

HAROLD
40s to 50s
cornic
Harold, accused of infide/ity by his wife,

confronts her.
l'11 tell ya, you think you know someone. You live with
them, raise a family. Then one <lay you come home, like
today, and out of the blue you, my wife, accuses me of
being unfaithful. Let me tell you something, you are a
paranoid prisoner of your own mistrust. A victim of your
miserable imagination! I have done nothing wrong, noth-
ing! Just because you found a pair of panties under the
backseat in my car, you rush to judgment! There's a mil-
lion reasons those panties could have been there. But the
real question here is what were you looking for in the
first place, huh? Huh?! And that condom wrapper you
found mean's nothing, NOTHING AT ALL! You ever
happen to think that maybe sorneone could have broken
into rny car while I was working late every night last
week. I mean my car was right there in the parking lot.
Anyone could have ... And those escort service cards you
found in my wallet, I have no idea where I got them. Peo-
ple hand me cards all <lay. Real question here is what
were you doing in my wallet in the first place, huh? Mis-
trust. Things aren't always like they seem. Just remember,
what may look like water may only be justa mirage.
PETE
20s to30s
comedie
A son tells his father about his night.
I was with Barry, Pa. You know my friend with the one
leg who drools all the time. Barry, the guy with the glass
eye, him. Anyway, we're at Kelly's last night, trying to
pick up chicks. I like to hang with Barry 'cause next to
him I look really good. Anyway, we're shootin' the shit,
when this dude comes in with a gun, a gun, yeah. Says it's
a holdup. Bartender immediately gives him all the money
in the register. And Barry says something like, "Holy hit!"
This crook hears him, puts the gun up to Barry's head,
and says, "You a wise guy?" Barry just stands there,
sweating, slobbering, scared. I turn to the crook and say,
"Can't you see he's sick?" Well, I guess he felt sorry for
him, you know, 'cause of Barry hardly having any teeth,
and that terrible skin. He took Barry outside. And then a
few minutes later Barry carne limping back in. We left,
justas the police arrived. I asked Barry what happened.
And he took out over five hundred bucks. Was a gift from
the crook, like a Robin Hood thing. So me and Barry
went over to McDonald's and had like a big party, yeah.
Hanging out with him is so cool.

PAUL
30s to 40s
seriocomedic
Paul reca/1s how his /ove to paint

nearly killed him.
1
Paint, just paint, that's all. That's all I ever wanted to do.
And when mother died, I finally could. Paint, full time. So
I started that very morning, right after the funeral. Went
out and bought hundreds of canvasses and paint supplies.
I started, I began. God, how I loved the smell of the
paints, loved the colors. The pinks, yellows, blues. Started
making all kinds of strokes with my brush. First wide,
then small. I'd jump up and clown and cover a whole can-
vas! Wild, abstraer designs. For the first time in my life I
was expressing myself! I'd cover a canvas, then immedi-
ately start another. Rainbows, rivers, anything. I couldn't
care less about meals, social engagements. I wanted, no,
NEEDED to express myself! Browns, oranges, reds! Fil!
another canvas, then another! Time was melting. Clouds
and winds of color were flying across my canvasses. The
phone would ring, I wouldn't answer. The doorbell, I'd
ignore it. I was painting, painting from my soul! One can-
vas after another! The paint started spilling all over me, it
felt wonderful! Then I ... I started rolling around in it,
yeah, the paint. The colors covering me. Grays, blues,
browns! Soon I became my own canvas. The paint fell on
my face, spilled in my ears. I started rolling around in it! lt
got it in my mouth, my eyes! I couldn't see, no, but I could
feel the colors, feel them! Then I started swallowing it, the
paint. Drinking, pouring can after can, can after ... ! (He
stops, then slowly.) I don't remember, have no recollection
how I ended up here. Perhaps my housekeeper, Janet,
maybe she found me, called the ... They told me l'm
lucky I'm alive. Lucky I'm not blind. Lucky I used water-
colors ... Mother's death, maybe ir was more than I
could ... I just wanted to paint, that's all. Express my-
self. Paint.

WOMEN'S
MONOLOGUES
57
JULIANNE
30s to 50s
seriocomedic
In an inner monologue, Julianne,

a bitter, unhappy wife, reveals
her secret thoughts as she watches
her husband eating his breakfast.
I hate feeling, no, KNOWING you're judging me. You

are, you know you are. But my darling, I have learned to
live with it. I've come to realize it's the only way you can
feel superior. So go ahead, immerse yourself in your stu-
pid opinions. I have learned to make myself feel invisible.
Invisible. Your stares don't matter any more. So sit there,
sip your coffee, and smile. That stupid smirk tells me
you're judging me. And then you'll go back to reading
your paper. And then I'll say, (Gently, polite.) "More cof-
fee, darling?" And you'll nod that superior, condescending
nod, as I pour and you watch me from the comer of your
eye. As I take little bites of my toast. Tiny little bites .. .
But next time, next time, when I pour you your coffee .. .
(Feigning upset.) "Oh my darling, I'm so sorry! It was an
accident; accident!" The scalding hot coffee, burning your
eyes. "I'm so sorry!" Terrible. (Smiling.) And you'll be
blind. Blind. -But eyes that can't see, can't judge. -
Maybe I'll do that. Yes. Maybe I will. Maybe.

SHARON
late teens
dramatic
A girl who may hove met

the right guy ata party.
1
I just needed to get away from all that noise, you know?
lt's so crowded in there. I like to come out here by the
lake sometimes, look up at the stars. So calm, quiet. (A
beat.) Y'know, sometimes I feel like I'm from another
planet, isn't that crazy? Like I just somehow ended up
here on earth. That I'm like a whole different species.
And I don't understand the people here. I mean, I look at
them in there, watch their mouths move, hear their
words, but I have no idea what any of them are saying,
what they mean. Isn't that weird? ... I saw you standing
there in the corner, and there was just, I don't know,
something in your eyes. Way you were just staring up at
the ceiling. Way you were leaning on that wall, like you
were trying to hold it up or something. And when I carne
over, said helio, the way you stared at me like you knew
me, or wanted too. I kinda feel like we do know each
other, y'know, sort of. Isn't that crazy? ... You don't
have to say anything. We can just sit here, look up at the
sky ... I like when it's quiet like this. (A beat, looking
up.} lt's such a nice night, isn't it?
Women's Monologues / 59
ELIZABETH
/ 20s to 30s
seriocomedic
Elizabeth reca/1s the /ast time

she saw her boss.
You arrogant bastard, no wonder no one likes you! That's

what I should have said. But I didn't, I just thought it.
You don't say things like that to him, not him, no. Not
unless you want to be fired. But I was this clase, this
dosel He told me I had to work again all weekend. Even
though I'd just told him, I had plans, family. But he just
sneered, said he was sorry, he needed me. So I stormed
out of there. Said, "Fine, sure, okay!" Sat at my desk and
fumed. I was furious! And so I was just about to call you,
to cancel, when I heard like a crash, then a moan. I got
up, went to his <loor, knocked. Not:hing. Then I heard an-
other moan, went inside, saw him lying there on the floor.
He looked terrible, Terry. Pale, pasty. I bent down, didn't
know what to say. He seemed so frightened, fragile. He
tried to touch my face with his hand. It was like a really
tender moment. And then I held him. And then-t:hen he
died, yeah, right there in my arms. I was the last person
he ever saw. Me, who he always humiliated, tormented,
tortured. There he was, Terry, dead in my arms. And he
looked so pathetic. Then I got up, went over and sat in
his chair, his big, brown chair. Looked around his office.
Y'know, I never noticed, but he has a very nice office.
Spacious, nice. And you know what I started to think
about? Unemployment; unemployment, Terry. I won-
dered, if your boss dies in your arms, are you eligible?
Then I wondered how much I'd get every week. And

then, well, then I called the police. And while waiting, I
slowly began to swirl around in his chair. Just swirl
around, watching the room go by. I just sat there, Terry,
in his big, comfortable brown chair, smiling, happy, and
swirling!
KATE
30s to 50s
dramatic
Even though many doctors hove saíd

that Karen's son is braín dead,
here she explaíns why they're wrong.
He winked. I saw him. I saw him wink, you understand?

Just like he used to. Like he did a thousand times when
he was a little boy. I was sitting there, talking, just rnak-
ing small talk. Sitting at his hospital bed, chatting. Talk-
ing about everything, nothing. And then I said, "Tomrny,
you remember those summers up in Monroe, huh? How
you loved to swim? How you always wanted to be a life-
guard and save people?" And suddenly he clenched my
hand. Clenched it, just like this! And that's when it hap-
pened, when he winked. Winked to me, like he'd done a
thousand times befare. Befare the accident. HE
WINKED! Don't you see, he was trying to tell me, to
communicate, understand? He was trying to say "I'm still
here, Mom. DON'T GIVE UP ON ME, MA! DON'T!
DON'T!" (Softly.) ... So you can't do it, understand?
You can't kill him. It would be murder. He's alive inside.
He told me. He winked. I swear.

í PAM
30s to 40s
dramatic
Pam tells how she ended up waitressing.
Too much. Too soon. I married too young. And one day
it just sort of crashed in on me. Hank, my husband, was
at work. Kids were outside, playing, screaming. It was
hot, and the air conditioner was broke. I was in the living
room, vacuuming, deaning, sweating. And then, I'll never
know why, I turned off that vacuum deaner. Just stood
there in the living room and looked around and listened-
to my life. And it was-overwhelming! I tried to scream,
but nothing carne out. The walls felt like they were falling
in on me. I ran upstairs, got sorne money, put it in my
bag, and left. Yeah, just like that. Left with the dothes on
my back, and the sound of the kids still screaming in the
backyard. No good-byes, no regrets, NOTHING! Got on
the first Greyhound bus out of there to anywhere. Eventu-
ally, I ended up here, this job, this bar, on this island.
Where I serve cocktails and tell tourists like you the best
places to shop. And I !ove it, I do. I really love my life
here ... Well, you asked. That's my story. So ... how
about another drink, huh? S'happy hour, two for one.
YVONNE
50s to 60s
comedie
Yvonne, a "moture" actress,

defends her choice to host a rea/ity
TV show to her agent.
There is nothing wrong with it, Jack. I'm fine about it, re-
ally. Fact is, let's face it, I'm a "maturing" actress. I'm not
going to get those plush roles anymore. But 1'11 be damned
if you'll catch me playing sorne young twit's grandmother.
So this job, being host on a reality TV show, it has a cer-
tain "cachet." Sure, it won't win me any more Oscars. But
it's a job, Jack, a paycheck. And even I have to pay bills.
Houses in Santa Monica aren't cheap, you know. And
maybe, maybe this will show those "toddlers" over at Mi-
ramax that Momma hasn't been put out to pasture yet.
Call them. Call them, Jack, tell them we're interested. Les-
bian dwarfs sounds interesting. I think we can make some-
thing of this, Jack, I really do. People will be able to relate.
I mean if even little midgets can fall in love ... ! Lesbian
Dwarfs, A Love Challenge. I like it, I like it, Jack. lt's
smart, clever, interesting. As long as they handle it with
class. Call them, make a <leal, tell them I'm in.

SALLY
30s
dramatic
Sal/y has just found out sorne disturbing news

about her neighbor.
1
l'd be getting my paper, he'd be leaving, going to work. I'd
say "Good morning Mr. Gurdcheff. How are you today?"
He'd smile, small talk, a nice neighbor, you know? Then
l'd get the kids ready for school, and l'd go to work. Just
another day. But then that night last week. I was home
making dinner, TV's on, the news, when I see him from
the comer of my eye, Mr. Gurdcheff, on TV. And they're
asking him, "Why'd you kill those kids?" Kill? Kids?
Sorne as young as five. Murdered? Must be sorne sort of
mistake. I began to worry, hey, where are the kids? Why
aren't they home from school yet?! I started calling their
friends, got frantic, began to panic! But then they walked
in, wearing their baseball caps. I hugged them, held them.
Then we all sit clown for dinner, watched the news. Thir-
teen children murdered, ages five through twelve. My
God, you think you know someone, you know? You see
them almost every day. Mr. Gurdcheff, apartment 3B.
We'd say hello, small talk, every morning.
CHARLOTTE
30s to 50s
seriocornedic
A wealthy wífe confronts her husband

,/ about hís ínfidelíty.
v
lt's raining, I'm bored, and you're depressed. So it's the

perfect time. We need to talk-about ending rhis. I'm
tired of treading water. (A beat.) I know about apartment
7C ar the Carlyle. Known for quite a while. So I think
you know where I'm heading with this. I hired a detec-
tive. There are photographs, many. There, right there on
the coffee table in the envelope. Duplicares, naturally.
He's very photogenic, your young friend. You both look
serenely happy. I can certainly see what you see in him.
Nice body. (A beat.) I'd like ... well, you know, I'd like a
lot of things. But for now I'm just going to go tell Terrisa
to make us sorne tea. When I get back we just should
talk, arrange things. I'm sure you'll be fair sweetheart,
you always are. Why don't you just browse through those
pictures over there while I'm gone. And when I get back
you can put a nice offer on the table. And then we can
talk ... Ted, I strongly advise you to be very generous.
As they say, a picture is worth ... a million words.

CLARISSE
30s to 50s
dramatic
/
A mother talks of adopting her son.
There was this moment, l'11 never forget. It's hard to ex-
plain. This immediate connection. And all I could see, alI
I could hear was him. And all I knew was he was the one.
I was never so sure of anything! He looked up at me and
I knew right away. Eventually I brought him home. He's
asleep in the bedroom. So what I'm trying to tell you is
that my life has totally changed. I don't have the time ...
What you and I had, our late night little get-togethers, as
much as I enjoyed it, l'm just not into it anymore. It was
fun, really, but ... No more booty calls, Bob. l'm not
available. I'm a mom now. I keep mother's hours. And the
only one 1'11 get up for in the middle of the night is him,
my son. So I think it's time for you to go find yourself an-
other booty call girl.
GAIL
50s
drarnatic
A mother-ín-law confronts her son-ín-/aw

about the murder of her daughter.
We loved you like you were our own son. From the first ...
All those talks, those plans we made. Those nights we all
ate together and laughed, those wonderful weekends. You
seemed so perfect, the perfect son-in-law. I thought I
knew you. If you were so unhappy with her, you could
have told me, you know that. You could have divorced
her, left her! I didn't know there was sorne disturbed ani-
mal living inside you! Sorne monster that ... ! HOW
COULD YOU?! She worshiped you, you know that. You
were her life. How-how could you kill her?! And so
brutally. (A beat, softer.) I hope you die, hope they kill
you. And I hope you think about what you've done to
her, all of us, every minute for the rest of your life.

JENNY
20s to 40s
seriocomedic
Jenny is a clown for terminal children

on the weekends.
1
I just do it, red nose and all. In my real life, l'm this seri-
ous businesswoman, yeah. But on weekends l'm Polly the
Clown. Yellow wig, pink clothes, big red nose. I wear
horns, flashing lights-you should see. And I jump up and
down and toss confetti. Make like it's a big holiday for
them. And they look up and laugh. The kids, they !ove it.
And when I get that laugh out of them, nothing can beat
it, it's the best. But when I go home, end of the <lay, sorne-
times I just cry. But it's a good cry. A feeling like l've done
something worthwhile. And then l'm right back there the
next day. Silly Polly strutting her stuff like sorne crazed
Robin Williarns on the red carpet. If you only saw the
look in their eyes! (A beat.) Try it, go ahead. You may
feel a little silly at first, but that's the point. I like to start
with the nose, the big red nose. Then when you're up to
it, put on the wig. I got you an orange one, bright orange.
But start with the nose, the nose comes first. But I guess, I
guess the most important thing is to just start, just start.
JANINE
30s to 50s
seriocomedic
While traveling in Mykonos, Janine ended up

in a job in a souvenir shop.
I just sit here, yeah. Do stock, inventory, anything. ANY-

THING to keep myself occupied! When it rains like
today, this shop is desolation row. 1'11 put the radio on,
but I don't know what they're saying. (A little joke.) It's
Greek to me! So l'11 just listen to sorne Greek music,
dance around, and fix a pile of T-shirts or something. You
are my first customer today. And it's what, nearly five o'-
clock? The rain keeps customers away. (A beat, a confi-
dence.) I just wanted to get away, that's all, a little
vacation. Picked Mykonos 'cause it looked so charming.
And then I fell utterly in love with this place. lt-put a
spell on me. Been here for over six months now. I ran out
of money, had to get a work permit, and here I am.
(Building.) I left everything, everyone I knew back in the
U.S.A. I just seem to stay and stay! (A whisper.) I can't
seem to leave. (Then, gaining her composure, smiling.)
Can I show you a nice T-shirt or something? We have a
great rain sale today. Half price on those "1 Love
Mykonos" sailor hats. How 'bout it, huh. Can I show
you one?

"
ROBERTA
20s
dramatic
Roberto final/y meets her father for the first

time in her life.
I don't know what I feel. I know what I should feel. I

mean you're my father. Father, Jesus, just saying the word
feels so weird. Always thought you were dead. I can't be-
lieve l'm actually standing here, that I found you. Why'd
she lie, my mother? She said you died, an accident. But
when she died last year my grandmother told me you
were ... This was a mistake, my coming here, wasn't it?
I'm sorry if I ... Maybe I should leave, huh? I should
leave, shouldn't I? WELL SAY SOMETHING! Open
you're mouth, talk to me. Tell me your side ... (A beat.)
I'm rambling, I know, l'm rambling. I don't know what to
say. So l'm just ... Why didn't you ever ... ? I mean
for you're whole life, didn't you ever want to ... ?
Weren't you curious ... ? Didn't you want to know ... ?
Didn't you?
Women's Monologues/ 71
ESTELLE
60s
dramatic
Este/le doesn't want to tell her husband the

medica/ news she receíved.
Whatiya want? Whatiya want, huh? Can't you see I'rn sit-
tin'? I'm sittin' here, leave me alone. Go back to your
book. (A beat.) Why you lookin' at me like that? Every-
thing's fine, I told you. Now read your paperl (A beat.)
YOU BELIEVE THIS MAN?! READ YOUR BOOK! (A
beat, softly.) The doctor said it was nothing. Said I'll live
to be a hundred. Just have to take sorne pills. Pills, that's
all. And I have to go for sorne treatment in the hospital
every ... I don't know, maybe once a week. No big <leal.
Why don't you go make sorne coffee, huh? (A beat.) Ali
right, ali right, they found something. Nothing, really, a
little nothing. A lump. A small, nothing, lump. And he
checked it and ... Said they caught it in time. I just gotta
take sorne pills and go for sorne treatments. Now go
make the coffee. Go ahead, let me sit here in peace ...
Did you hear me? Why are you standing there, huh? Go
make coffee.

MAUREEN
13 to 18
seriocomedic
Maureen's sad because her mother has left

to go to the Pope's funeral.
1
Momma's gone. She left, went to see the Pope. He died,
and momma went to Rome, Italy, to be with him.
Momma, she loved the Pope. Was always talking about
him. He carne to this town once, yeah, to visit our church
when Momma was justa girl. And he let Momma sit on
his lap, yeah. Momma said that's when she had her
moment of "divine inspiration." Don't know what that
means but Momma says it changed her life forever. Think
that's why Momma makes us all go to church every
Sunday. And why we have to say grace before every meal,
even breakfast. Momma loved the Pope, even more than
Papa I think. Made Papa so jealous. When she'd start
going on about the Pope, Papa would storm out of the
room ... Momma was cryin' real bad when she left. Said
she didn't know if she'd ever be back. Said she had to do
God's work in Rome now. Then she gave me a big hug
and her rosary beads. Papa said we're to pretend she's
dead. He said we don't have to go to church anymore or
say grace before meals. God how I miss Momma. I hope
she's happy in Rome.
JOAN
40s to 50s
drarnatic
Joan reca/1s the doy she found out her son

was killed in Iraq.
lt was a feeling. I don't know how I knew, but I did. The

kids were clown in the den watching TV, I was in the
kitchen, making salad for supper. The radio was on, I was
half listening. Then the doorbell rang. Figured it was just
someone selling something. Kenny yelled up he'd answer
it. But then, I don't know why, I stopped doing what I
was doing, went downstairs. Kenny was just standing
there. The look in his eyes, I'll never forget. I felt a cold
sweat, saw the two soldiers standing there next to him.
Their eyes, expressionless. And Kenny said, "It's Dad."
Just two words, "It's Dad." I yelled "Don't say another
word!" The room suddenly seemed to spin. The sound of
the radio and TV seemed to get louder, much, much
louder! Then Kenny said it. Even though I ... "Dad's
dead. Dad's dead, Ma." And then ... well, nothing.
Quier. Silence. Nothing else.

FRAN
twenties
seriocomedic
Fran's friend surprised her by asking her to

marry him.
He got clown on his knee, front of everyone. There were '

thousancls of people there. Bent clown ancl lookecl up at
me. He lookecl like a little puppy clog. I thought he was
j ust fooling arouncl, j ust kiclcling. But then suclclenly it
seemecl like every one in that staclium was staring at us.
Ancl I lookecl up ancl saw the two of us up on that big TV
screen. I lookecl at him on his knee, ancl there were these
little tears in his eyes, little puppy-clog tears. Then Frecl
saicl, "Fran will you marry me?" It got so silent in that
staclium. Then Frecl helcl out the ring ancl saicl it again,
"Fran, will you rnarry me?" I mean, clicln't he know? Dicl
he think that Jerry ancl I were just friencls? Dicln't he
know I ... ? He saw the look in my eyes, ancl he started
to sweat, I mean really sweat. Ancl then, well I just got up
ancl ran. RAN through that crowcl. Hunclreds of people
startecl booing at me, yelling, calling me names. I ran ali
the way home to be with Jerry. Tolcl him what happenecl,
criecl in his arms. Frecl was justa friencl ... Jerry ancl me,
we got marriecl about a year later. Ancl Frecl, even though
we invitecl him, he clidn't come to our weclcling.
JENNIFER
20s to 30s
comedie
Jennifer reca/1s meeting a handsome guy

in a bar.
He was so ente, a real hottie. Had the muscles, looks,

everything. And when he said hello, I went clown for the
count. He had something no one else in that bar had,
charisma, personality, whatever you want to call it. l'd
gone in there with my friend Mike. We' d been on the
beach all day, just stopped off for a cocktail. And Mike
invited him over to join us. He said his name was Gary.
God he was gorgeous. Well we all stood there, chatting
by the pool table. I was just melting, waiting for my mo-
ment. We we're all eyes, all of us, looking at each other.
Staring, eyes, yeah. But pretty soon I realized Gary's eyes
were not on me. Gorgeous Gary was into my friend
Mike. And Mike was hooked into him. Can anyone say
third wheel? I slowly started to wither and die, right there
by the pool table. Rude awakening time. I mean I never
knew Mike was gay! Finally, I told them I had to go, but
they barely even heard me ... Well, rnaybe Mike will tell
me all about hirn tomorrow at work, AFTER he tells me
he's gay!

MARGERIE
20s to 30s
dramatic
Margeríe tells how her postpartum

depressíon near/y díd her in.
We wanted a baby more than anything. We planned,

hoped, prayed. And when he was born, well I was the
doting mother. Every minute checking to make sure he
was okay. If he'd c:ry, I'd worry. If he even moved ... l
But I had these horrible dreams where terrible things hap-
pened to him. And I started to worry, was depressed al!
the time. Just "the baby blues," they'd say. Give it an-
other <lay and it'll be okay. But it got worse, much worse.
Got terrible. Then one <lay they found me walking clown
the highway, hysterical, holding my baby. I was certain
someone was trying to hurt him. A car stopped, the peo-
ple inside asked if I was okay. But I thought they were
kidnappers, so I started running. Soon the police carne,
big commotion. They took us to the hospital and ...
"postpartum depression," that's what they called it. And
once I found out, well, we dealt with it. Pills, therapy-
and time. My son, he's turned out to be a real good kid.
So that's my story ... Your baby, she's a real beauty. And
I know what you've been going through. Why don't you
tell me about it? Just take your time. Take your time.
ANA
30s
dramatic
Ana defends her ríght to keep her son.
You can't have him, no. You can't just show up here and
DEMAND ... ! Where have you been ali these years,
J huh?! WHERE?! Me, I went to his crib every time he
cried. I fed him, took care ... You LEFT HIM! (Softer.)
You gave him to us, remember? You kissed him good-bye,
and we all agreed, we agreed, it would be final ... He
has a happy life here. Gets everything he wants. Did you
see that smile on his face just now? You have any idea
what this would do to him, to take him away from us? (A
beat.) Look, l'm glad you've gotten yourself together. I
celebrate your sobriety. But he calls me Mommy now;
calls Paul, Dad. We are his parents. So I don't care how
many lawyers you have out there. This is his home now.
Our home. And I want you to leave. If you really love
him like you say you do, then just leave us all alone, and
let us get on with our lives again, please.

SYBIL
30s to 40s
comedie
Sybit, a memorial crasher, tells a man she just /

met why she /oves memorials. ✓
1
No, I didn't know her. Seemed like a nice person though.
Decent. Good. God did I cry. Couldn't help myself. Way
people up there were talking about her. She seemed like a
saint. I especially liked what the brother had to say. That
poor man, crying his heart out like that. S'a real life les-
son, you know? Tell them you love them when they're
alive, cause after their dead ... They out of cheese and
crackers? Anyway, I'm glad I made this one. Sorne of
these memorials can be such a bore. Snore, snore. I hate
to say it, but sorne people's lives are just not worth my
time of day. And I mean that in the kindest way. I try to
make at least one or two of these a week. Read about 'em
in the obits. I mean you wanna see sorne real drama, cry
sorne real tears, start comin' to sorne of these. A person's
whole life unfolds right in front of
you ... Well, I'm going to go see if they have any more
of those little frankfurter things. Lovely meeting you.
Maybe I'll see you again, huh? Remember, just look 'em
up in the obits. It's a lovely way to spend a day, and you
meet the nicest people.
GLORIA
20s to 40s
dramatic
Gloria accidental/y burnt down her house.

Here she tries to defend herself.
I'm not a bad person. I know that's what sorne people in

this town are saying about me. But it's not true. I'm a
good mother, loving wife. And I love my family. (A beat.)
Carl and the kids were asleep. I couldn't sleep, so I was
upstairs in the attic cleaning out sorne old lamps. Was
about 2 AM I guess. I don't know how that fire started.
They said maybe it was the cleaning fluid I was using,
but ... All I know is that there was all this smoke and
flames. I panicked, started yelling, "Fire, get out!" Ran
clown the stairs, tried to warn Carl and the kids. But with
all that smoke ... Was terrifying! All I can say is thank
God the fire department got there so soon, and that
everyone's okay. Look, I know how this looks. And yeah,
I know there have been other "incidents," other "acci-
dents," but it's just coincidental. Those other times ...
I'd never hurt my family. I love my kids and ... I know
how this looks. But you have to believe me, it was justan
accident.

ANITA
30s to 50s
dramatic
Anito final/y tells her mother how she feels

about herself.
Mama, see how pretty I look? Don't I look pretty today?

I've grown up to be a real beauty, huh? Even though you
always told me I never would. Always told me I was too
ugly. You made me feel sobad Mama, you know that?
And I believed you. Thought, well if Mama says so, must
be true. I rnust be ugly. But look at me now Mama, all
dressed up and pretty. lt's independence day! When I
looked in the mirror this morning, seemed like a miracle.
'Cause I liked what I saw. I really liked what I saw in that
mirror, Mama! And I stood there and laughed and cried
at the same time. Know why? 'Cause I finally realized,
you were wrong. All those years. All those things you said
about me. And I realized that you can't call me no names
no more. (Looking down at her.) lt's independence day,
mama! (Softly.) Now you rest in peace. Rest in peace,
mama. I don't think you rneant bad. I don't think you
meant to hurt me. I just think you were just unhappy
and-misinformed.
SHELLY
25 to 40
comedie
/
,_,/ Fed up wíth her boyfríend's overana/yzíng
everythíng she says, Shel/y final/y tells hím off.
Must everything be so clamn complicatecl? ! Stop therapy,

please! Your therapy is making me crazy! S'gotten to the
point here where I have to watch every worcl I say. Worry
about you overanalyzing everything! Wringing out mean-
ings I never meant. l'11 tell ya something, you were a lot
more fun when you were nuts! (A beat, calming herself.)
Look, what I saicl, what I saicl just now, was, "I'm leav-
ing." I'm leaving, no big cleal. l'm just going to the gro-
cery store, we're out of milk. l'm not going to South
America. I clon't have a secret lover. l'm going to the god-
clamnecl grocery store, right clown the street! Look Larry,
I know you have separation ancl mistrust issues but ...
(A beat.) I'm going to the grocery store. l'11 be back be-
fare you can say "anxiety attack." Now just sir clown,
relax, ancl breathe.

KAMI
late 20s to30s
dramatic
Kamí reca/1s seeíng the man who kílled her

síster executed.
I'm not sure what I thought would happen. But I was

hoping. We all sat there, waited. They brought him in. He
didn't look at any of us. Then they put him on the gur-
ney, strapped him clown. Seemed like all of this was hap-
pening in slow motion. I wanted to scream, for him to see
us, our faces. But he just stared up at the ceiling. They
asked him if he had any last words, he said no. I thought,
how could he have nothing to say? You kill eight women
for Christ's sake! Look what you've done to us, our lives!
(A beat, softly.) They turned the gas on. He gasped, just a
small ... And that was it. Just like that. All the trials, the
appeals. And no, there is no closure. That's for movies,
books. I sat there, as everyone started filing out. I sat
there alone and watched as they took him out. I sat and
cried and said her name over and over. "Karen. Karen.
Karen"
TAMMY
30s to 40s
comedie
Tammy's boyfríend has left her for

another woman. Here she laments to a fríend
how horrible she fee/s.
It's not just that he left me, no. It's who he left me for.
Have you any idea how humiliating this is? People are
laughing behind my back. It's the age thing. She's so
much ... ! He said he met her at work. That things just
happened. It's the AGE thing that gets me! I mean ...
she's over eighty! Eighty years old! Did you know that!
Legally blind, a bad heart, and one failing kidney. He left
me for his patient at the nursing home. Tell ya, I want to
go over there right now and yank her respirator right out
of her! (A beat.) I'll just wait it out. I mean, how much
longer has she got? Oh the hell with it. C'mon, let's go to
the beach. I need to just lie out in the sun and forget
about it. I don't think I'm going to bother with any
sunblock today. Seems like wrinkles are in.

KAREN
20s to 30s
dramatic
Accused of not feeling, Karen defends

herself to her boyfriend.
No, I do feel. I feel a lot. How can you say that? Just be~
cause I don't show my feelings all the time. Just because I
can't cry or laugh at the drop ... Seems the more I know
a guy, I just get, I don't know, shyer. I know that sounds
weird, but it's what happens. Most girls when they get to
know someone, they open up. I don't know what's wrong
with me. It's not that I'm not feeling any feelings for you,
Frank. I feel a lot! Is any of this making sense? 'Cause
you're looking at me like I'm a lunatic. (Getting more
desperate.) Frank, please, put your suitcase clown. Stay
Frank, c'mon. See, I'rn showing my feelings now. I'm beg-
ging. Begging's a feeling, right? I'm begging, Frank, beg-
ging! I want you to stay. I'm showing you how I feel. See,
isn't this what you want, to see my feelings Frank? See?
I'rn feeling! l'm feeling!
GRETCHEN
30s to 50s
dramatic
Gretchen describes the mud slide that

almost killed her and her husband.
We'd been watching TV, bored. Been raining for days. So

I said "l'm gonna go out for a walk, Walt." Put on my
raincoat, got the umbrella. But when I got outside, I saw
all the mud everywhere. Got real scared, ran back in,
said, "Walt, come out here!" When he carne out, he saw
it. The mountain, it was ... It was like it was moving,
sort of oozing. Walt ran back in, grabbed the dog, carne
running out, said, C'mon, let's go, we're going!" He
grabbed my hand and we ran, I mean RAN! We tried to
start the car but it was stuck in the mud. So we started
running clown the mountain, all the way clown. 1 was
screaming, dog was barking, was terrible! We kept getting
stuck in the mud. It was like a nightmare, like the whole
mountain was melting underneath us. But we kept on
going, clown, clown, clown/ (A beat, softly.) Well, we lost
everything. Sorne of our neighbors ... well. We moved
here to the mountain to be safe. To get away from all the
danger in the city, all the crime there. Thought this was
paradise up here. Safe. Right. Yeah.

CINDY
late teens
comedy
J
Cíndy tríes to explaín why she gave so much
money to a telephone fundraíser for víctíms
of Hurrícane Katrina.
But Dad, it was Leonardo, Leonardo DiCaprio! And it is

for a good cause. It's only five hundred dollars. I mean I
was only gonna give fifty, but when I got through, heard
his voice, when he said "Hi, this is Leonardo," thought I
was gonna drop my cell phone, I swear! And there I was
with your credit card right there in my hand, and I
thought of all those poor people in New Orleans. Well, it
was like Leo put a spell on me. He talked so nice, Dad.
Asked me my name. Leonardo DiCaprio asked me my
name! Then we talked, and then I told hirn, "I'd like to
donate five hundred dollars Mr. DiCaprio to this very
worthy cause!" And you know what he said? Said, "You
can call me Leo." That's what he said, thought I'd drop
dead right there. "You can call me Leo." You made
Leonardo DeCaprio very happy, Dad. And I'll pay you
back, I prornise, someday. Think of the poor kids in New
Orleans. Don't be angry Dad, please.
CHRISTINE
20s to 40s
dramatic
Seeing Santa C/aus was a terrifying

experience for Christine.
I was so excited, gonna see Santa Claus! I was just four

years old, and my parents were taking me to the New
York City to Macy's to see ... Well I didn't know who he
was, but everybody said he was wonderful. And all the
way in to the city we sang Christmas carols in the car. We
got to Macy's, this big store, lots of people. Papa was
holding my hand, Mama was pushing me along. Smiles,
laughs. Took the crowded elevator all the way up to the
top. "Going to the North Pole!" Mama smiled. And the
people in the elevator laughed. When we got there, there
was warm snow everywhere and colored lights and card-
board reindeer that didn't move. I was being pushed
along by these little people no larger than me, elves. And
then I saw him, this big fat man all in red! He had all this
white hair, and he smiled real big and ... And I started to
scream! He was frightening! All that white and red and so
fat! When he said HO! HO! HO!," and I ended up on his
lap, looked up at his huge face, and then ... then I peed
ali over him. Yeah, peed on Santa Claus! Mama apolo-
gized, and they whisked me away, and clown in the eleva-
tor. I cried that whole elevator ride. Papa held me in his
arms. When we got back in the car, no one said a word.
No Christmas carols now. I had nightmares about him for
weeks. And for years, I mean years, whenever I heard the
words "Santa Claus," l'd pee in my pants and get real,
real scared.

CHRISTY
30s to 40s
seriocomedic v
Christy describes the date from he//
to her friend.
"C'mon, give me a kiss," he said. And I said "No!" '

"You got nice lips." he said.
And I said, "Take me home, please!"
And he said, "Why? C'mon, I just took you out to
dinner."
"So?!" I said. "Just take me home!" And I locked my
arms in protest.
But he started touching me.
And I yelled "NO!" Said, "You know what no
means?! Means l'm not interested. Means take me the hell
home!"
And you know what he did, know what he did?
Opened the <loor, told me to get out. Said, "You know
what 'walk' means? Means find your own way home,
bitch!"
"You're going to just leave me here?" And he did, he
left me there.
I walked a few blocks, hailed a cab, got home, and
cried, just cried ali night. That was it-my date. "Mr.
Nice" from last night. Look, thanks for setting me up,
but PLEASE, no more blind dates, okay? They're always
such a disaster. At this point I'rn seriously thinking of be-
corning a lesbian. There's j ust a few rninor things I still
need to work out. But thanks, thanks anyway.
GINNY
20s to 30s
dramatic
Ginny exp/ains what it was like being

a soldier in a prison for lraqi soldiers.
I just did what I was told. You had to be there. Those

rnen, naked, chained to their beds. Their underwear cov-
ering their faces, was weird, really ... None of 'ern spoke
English. We were ordered to hurniliate, break 'ern clown.
But inside I was thinking this is really wrong. But you do
what you're told. You rnake waves, you get in trouble. So
that srnile you see on rny face in those photos <loes not re-
flect what was going on inside of me. On the outside I
was laughing, yeah. But it was like I was there, but wasn't
there. Was like we were all in sorne crazy cartoon. And
you laugh at cartoons, right? Cartoons are funny. Well
they're even funnier when you're in thern. When you are
the cartoon. When there's all these naked rnen screarning
with underwear on their faces. And you feel like you're in
sorne insane asylurn. But you're not, no, you're in the
arrny. And in the army, sir, you follow orders. And I did. I
did exactly what I was told. I'rn a good soldier. I follow
orders.

l
STAYCE
late 20s to 40s
dramatic
Stayce talks to a dangerous man she just

met in a bar.
You are a bit scary, yes. When you said helio in the bar I
didn't quite know what to make of you. I mean there was
no warmth in your smile, none. You're not exactly Mr.
Nice, you know. Wasn't the smile of a guy who was being
friendly, or even trying to score. I've met those guys be-
fore. That's not you, no. And when you asked me to
come back here, well, wasn't so much an invitation as a
dare. So I'rn here. I'm here on your dare ... You're
damaged goods. Something happened to you, didn't it?
Sornething bad. I can tell, can see it in your eyes. You've
been through something. Well, maybe you and I have
something in comrnon. Or rnaybe I just like a challenge.
Whatever. I talk too much. Turn off the lights, it's too
bright in here. I prefer it when a room is dark, pitch
black ... Take off your clothes, go ahead. Let's get to
know each other. Turn off the light.
ALICE
40s to 60s
seriocomedic
A/ice recal/s her fírst date wíth her husband,

and how they both watched Johnny Car-
son 's fírst TV show.
Johnny Carson died. Yeah, Johnny's dead, Dan. Died last

night. Our first date, remember? We both watched him,
Johnny. Your apartment, that small studio on West Fifty-
fifth. Remember? We went to sorne movie and then we
both watched Johnny Carson together at your apartment.
Was the first time he was on The Tonight Show. God, he
made us laugh. Was so funny! But you kept trying to feel
me up, and I kept saying, "Stop it, watch the TV or I'm
going!" And you stopped. And we watched Johnny.
That's when I decided I really liked you, when I saw how
you laughed at Johnny Carson. And then you walked me
home, and I let you kiss me good night. And I went up-
stairs and told all my roommates all about you. And then
the phone rang. Was you pretending you were Johnny
Carson. Was the worst imitation ever. But we both
laughed, remember? Remember? God, was a million years
ago ... Johnny Carson, God he was good.

JEANETTE
40s to 50s
dramatic
Jeannette tells of how she was terrified

by a stalker.
1
At first I thought it was just me, that I was imagining it.
Big c:ity, you get paranoid. But I knew, just knew someone
was following me. Felt like I was being watched all the
time. I told Herby I thought we should call the police.
"And tell them what?" he said. "That you're suspicious?"
Then he' d hold me, told me everything would be all right,
and it was. But then the phone calls started. All hours,
middle of the night. Police said there was nothing they
could do. Said he's got to make a move. I said, "What
he's gotta do, murder me?!" I was so scared, just wanted
to stay home and hide. But every night Herby would hold
me and everything would be all right. Well, finally they
caught the guy, was one of our neighbors. Then the truth
carne out, he'd been paid-by Herby. Herby wanted to
bring sorne love back into out marriage, felt we'd drifted
apart. So he paid this guy to scare me. Police let Herby
off, said he could have got time, but they thought he had
good intentions. And now me and Herby, now we're bet-
ter than ever.
ELAINE
30s to 40s
dramatic
Elaine tells of the life-changing reafization she

had whíle rushing to a business meeting.
r/ I was in the car, driving. Was rushing to a meeting this af-

ternoon. Running late, stressed. And I was beeping at
sorne asshole in front of me who wasn't going fast
enough. Kept beeping and beeping until finally I slammed
my hand hard as I could, right into the steering wheel!
And I sat there in terrible pain. And while sitting there, it
suddenly it dawned on me, I'm not enjoying the ride any-
more. And I wasn't just thinking about the car or the guy
ahead of me. I mean the ride, my life. Always needing to
win a client, an appointment, whatever. I realized that I'd
lost track somehow. I mean what was important ...
Look, I know I've been a monster to all of you. (Sin-
cere/y.) I'm sorry, I mean it, really. (Then.) Anyway I got
off at the first exir, carne home. Been sitting here for the
last few hours, thinking. Just called the office, told them I
quit. Maybe this is insane, but I ... I want to start enjoy-
ing the ride again. Want to see more of you, my family,
my friends. I want a life! l'm home ... Okay, 'nuff said.
So, what do you all want for dinner?

HELENE
40s to 60s
comedie
./
He/ene has cal/ed her super up to her
apartment to fix her stuffed pipes.
Look, Leonardo, I'm not interested! I know you think all 1
the women in this building are going gaga over you. Well
not me, sorry. See, I don't care how sexy you are, or how
great your body is. Doesn't do a thing for me. I just asked
you up here to check my water heater. I wanted to take a
shower, and I got cold water. That's the only reason I'm
sitting here, wearing just my bathrobe. I was about to go
to bed. Look, I know it's late, almost midnight, but don't
read anything into that. I just needed a hot shower, I'm
very tense tonight, had a rough <lay. So I called you, I
mean you are the super. J ust so yo u know, nothing about
you turns me on. Not your tattoos, your skintight pants,
nothing. And l've heard what goes on around here, oh
yeah. All the trashy stories about you and how suppos-
edly good you are in bed. Who cares? Means nothing to
me! Just fix my heater and leave ... I am now going into
my bedroom, and I'm going to lie clown on my big, big
bed. I'll be inside waiting. Just let me know when you're
ready ... I mean finished.
GRACE
20s to 30s
comedie
Grace is shocked when she sees her young

children playing doctor.
What were you two just doing? Don't look at me like

that! Don't go all shutty mouth! Mommy wants to know,
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!
(Softer.) Were you playing doctor, hmm, that what
you were doing? Were you touching each other? That
why you're both up here hiding in the dark-like little
rats? When you touch each other like that, that's disgust-
ing, it's perverted. And perverted people have to be put in
prison. And they stay there for years and years and never
get to see their Mornmys or any of their friends. Those
people in prisons have snuck upstairs and touched them-
selves just like you did just now. You want to end up like
them, huh? (A beat.) All right, we're going to just forget
about what happened here. But we're going to make sure
ít never happens again, right?! You wouldn't want
Momrny to have to call the police and send you to prison,
would you? ... Now let's go downstairs like good little
boys and pray to God for forgiveness for our wicked,
wicked ways. And after we pray, Mommy will make you
a nice hot lunch.

GINA
40s
seriocornedic
Gína confronts a business assocíate.
Jealous? Me, of you? You're kidding? That's what you

think? No Bob, this is business. We're both here to maké
a buck. I am definitely not jealous. See, I don't like you
Bob, never <lid. But that has nothing to do with this meet-
ing. I got you loud and clear that first <lay you walked
into my office with your bright white smile and over en-
thusiastic handshake. Your pathetic attempt at warmth
told me all I needed to know. (She looks him at him.)
Bob, I had you pegged from hello. But that's all past
tense, we're with different companies now. And just be-
cause I don't like you, doesn't mean you're not invited to
the party. Actually, I personally requested you for this ne-
gotiation, that's why you're even here. So just show me
your paperwork and let's see if we can arrange a <leal. I
don't like you Bob, but I know you're a good business-
man. So come, sit, talk. But keep your feelings and suspi-
cions to yourself.
AISHA
40s to 50s
dramatic
Aísha tells her lawyer why she had to perform

an exorcísm on a chíld.
I had no choice, none. Had to save that child's soul. She

were possessed. Demons, yes. I ama good God-fearing
Christian. Christ lives within me. I praise him every day.
Wake with him in the morning and go to sleep with him
in my heart. So I would never hurt no child. Never, no.
But on that day last week, I saw all the signs. Look in her
eyes, way she spoke to me. The cursing, swearing. On
that morning that child's mouth was full of obscenities.
She thrashed about and the cursing got worse. Child had
the devil in her, l'm tellin' ya. So I knew she needed to
take a hot bath, to cleanse herself, get rid of them devils.
So I made sure that that water was hot, burning hot,
scalding. S'the only way to get them devil out. But as
hard as I tried, I could not get that child into the tub.
Those devils were more powerful than me. She went
screaming through the house, to the neighbors next <loor.
Next thing I knew, police were here and ... I did nothing
wrong. I am a good God-fearing Christian. She had devils
in her, understand? Devils.

TERESA
30s to early 40s
dramatic
Teresa tells her husband that she has

second thoughts about havíng a chíld.
Last night while you sleeping, I was sitting here in the

kitchen. I couldn't sleep. I was looking out the window
and realized ... What are we doing, Ted? Bringing a
child into the world, now. The responsibility, it's too ... !
Anyway, I got really frightened, wanted to wake you. I've
given it a lot of thought, Ted. (Looking at him.) I can't go
through with this. For Christ's sake, I can't even take care
of myself, let alone ... And you, you just lost your job
and ... I know how hard we've tried to have this baby.
How we thought it would ... (A beat, firmly.) I'rn going
to have an abortion. I still have a few more days left, it's
safe. Maybe I'm too selfish, I don't know. But not now.
Don't look at me like that. Please, it's for the best. Don't
look at me like that.
RUBY
teenager
seriocomedic
Ruby thinks about her hate

for a supposed friend.
(An angry inner monologue.)

You are so transparent.
Everything you think you're hiding
is so obvious.
So ... so ... !
Do you know I can see your hate?
Hel-lo!
lt's right there on your face-
in Technicolor!
And that's fine with me.
Because
I hate you, too.
Ido.
And like you,
I've been trying
to hide my hate.
But it's just a waste of time.
Waste of energy.
We pass each other in the hall at school,
say hello.
But blood is dripping from your over-made-up eyes.
We both say,
(Too sweetly.) "Hi, how you doing?"
When we secretly despise each other.
Waste of time.
Waste of energy.
l 00 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Wouldn't it be nice
if we could stop in the hall
and smile,
and say,
"I hate you!"
And then yell,
"And you hate me, too!"
Then calmly walk on to our next class.
(A beat.)
I hate your hello's.
And next time I see you,
1'11 tell you so.
Actually,
I hate everything about you.
Now stick that in your ugly backpack!
(A beat, too sweet.) Oh, yeah, have a nice day.

RENEE
40s
/ dramatic
Renee, the wife of a ce/ebrity, confronts him

for being inconsiderate to a friend.
What's happened to you? He was your friend, your best

friend, have you forgotten?! We all had such good times
together. And then to treat hirn like he's nothing. That
was disgusting what you just did! Let me tell you some-
thing, you are using your farne as a weapon. Your boast-
ing is like a knife that you jab into people you love to
keep them away. Well, you're winning, you're succeeding
in alienating all our friends. You've become so conde-
scending to everyone, everyone, even me. Oh you should
hear yourself sometimes. lt's disgusting ... Now I want
you to go in there and apologize to Harris and
Arlene. Almost all our friends are gone-because of you.
We haven't been invited to a dinner party in months. No
one wants anything to do with you. I'rn not going to lose
Harris and Arlene too. Now you go in there and apolo-
gize. Because if you don't, I swear, I swear to God, l'm
leaving you.

VIVIAN
20s
seriocomedic
Vivían talks about how she met Símon

Cowles of American ldol.
It was just a moment in a corridor. Everyone else was out-

side. I walked in a wrong <loor I guess, had gotten past
security somehow. And I was getting a drink at the water
fountain. My nerves were all over the place, my mouth
was dry. Anyway, I was bending clown at the faucet,
sipping sorne water. And when I stood up there he was.
He smiled, said, "Nice bum." Had no idea what he
meant. But then he looked at my butt, said it again,
"Nice bum." Guess it's a British word. He said, "You
here for the competition?" And I said, "Well, yes."
"My narne's Simon," he said
"I know who you are, Mr. Cowles."
"So ... would you like to come up to my room-to
relax."
"But you're a judge," I said stupidly.
"What's that got to do with anything?" he said
"Well, I don't think it's really right."
Then he stopped smiling, smirked that Simon Cowles
smirk. You know the one he always makes on TV when
he doesn't like something. And then he said, "Fine, have
it your way. Have a good day." And then he just walked
away. Rude, really rude, I thought. Thought I should tell
someone. I mean he invited me up to his room. Anyway,
when I went in to sing, he didn't even look at me.
No just looked away, which of course made me even

more nervous. I screwed up, I sucked. My voice ... Well,
I didn't get in. But I'll tell ya, I'll always wonder what
would have happened if I had ... Can't go there. Coulda,
woulda, shoulda. At least now I know Simon Cowles
thinks I have a nice "bum."

HILLARY
late 20s to 30s
dramatic
Hillary talks about her fear of beíng

terminal/y í/1.
I knew, you know? Hadn't been feeling well, was tired alf
the time. I'd make breakfast, get the kids off to school,
him to work, then collapse into a chair. Stay there all <lay,
exhausted. So finally I made the appointment, saw the
doctor. He took tests. Few days later he called, told me to
come in. Just by the tone in his voice, I knew, I was sure.
When I sat there waiting in his office I thought, "Who'll
take care of Carl, who'll take care of the kids?" As he
carne toward me, the look in his eyes, I was certain. He
started with, "I'm sorry." I looked away, wanted to cry.
But then he said, "Nothing's wrong. I think you're just
very depressed."
"Nothing's wrong, really?"
"You'll live to be a hundred, Hillary." And then he
smiled
"Let's <leal with it!" Did I say that, <lid he? Does it
rnatter?
I started on the antidepressants right away, then ther-
apy, and then, then it just lifted, the depression. And I'm
fine now, fine. (Smiling.) Probably live to be a hundred.

ARLENE
Comedie
50s
A wealthy married woman having an affair

with her tennis coach.
(Manic.) It's not until you meet someone like you that
you realize how much time you've wasted. Wasted, really!
Harry was just wrong forme, I realize that now. Maybe I
married him just for rhe money, y'know, I don'r know. I
thought it was love bur ... Maybe whar we're doing
here, you and me, here in this hotel room isn't quite righr,
but it doesn't feel wrong, not wrong, not ar all. (Smiling.)
And my kids, you'll see, rhey'll love you, just like me.
And all that stuff I have with Harry, the condo, the
house, money, means nothing. Superficial, unimportanr!
Un-im-portant! I can ler go of ir all in a heartbeat. And
rhe age thing, age thing doesn't rnatter, Mark! So what if
my kids are a little older than you. It's jusr numbers.
Mark, we can rnake this work! You can still teach tennis,
and I can get a job somewhere, waitress, coffee shop, I
don't care. We won't need rnuch. What do you say?-
Honey, honey, where you going? Are you leaving?
Honey? Mark, what's wrong?!

GWEN
30s
seriocomedic
A company CEO engaging a man she just

metata bar.
Strong? I don't really think in those terms. No, I don't

think of myself as a strong woman. I know what I want,
sure, of course. But doesn't everyone? Don't we all go
after what we want? Don't you, Steve? The way I see my-
self ... I don't know, I'm justa girl, a woman, that's all.
I don't think of myself as a CEO or corporate anything.
And I want, and need, like everyone else. And I saw you
yesterday in the company cafetería. You were standing on
line talking to sorne of the guys from upstairs. And well,
I liked what I saw. Thought, yeah, yes, him. But I never
imagined I'd bump into you so soon, tonight, this bar.
lt's ... fortuitous. Anyway, cut to the chase. I have an
apartment, five minutes from here. How about coming
back, a drink, my place? I'd like to get to know you bet-
ter. So, what do you say? My cards are on the table,
Steve ... your call.
Women's Monologues / l 07
RENETTE
30s to 40s
dramatic
A desperate/y tone/y woman reachíng out

to a fríend.
I don't know, it just sort of happened, gradually. I guess I

got tired all of the predictability. People can be ... When
you can finish your friend's sentences ... It's not that I
felt better than any of them, no. It's not about feeling su-
perior. That's not what happened. I don't know, maybe
I'm just too discerning, too picky about who I choose to
spend my time with. So I started eliminating them, drop-
ping friends. But now Anne, I find myself-isolated.
Alone in a comer with no one, no friends at all. And I
don't know how this happened. You are just about the
only friend I have left, Anne. I need someone to help
bring me back into the world, to be social again. So I'm
asking for your help. This was hard, asking, believe me.
But I feel so ... so desperately alone. I don't know if
there's even anything you can do, but I had to ask. It's a
start. I'm reaching out, alone, and I don't want to be
alone anymore.

PATTY
30s
comedie
A crook trying to convince her husband

to rob a bank.
Stop bein' such a wuss, will ya? Just go in there and roo
the bank. Go ahead, go, go get the money.... Well what
are you waiting for?! C'mon, the old guard's on duty for
only ten more minutes ... What? Go! -You are such a
damn coward. All right l'11 do it myself. Give me the gun.
Did you hear me? Give me the gun! (He doesn't.) You
know, y'know, I thought you were such a man when I
married you. You had such a swagger back then, were a
real big talker. I thought you were brave. Now look at
you, sittin' here, shittin' in your shoes. You're a little girl,
a wuss. Afraid of sorne senior citizen bank guard. Give
me the gun! ... Dan, give me ... ! (She looks at him,
alarmed.) That's not funny. I don't like having guns airned
at me. Put the gun clown. Put it ... Dan you're starting
to make me nervous, just put it clown. Will you stop ... ?
Dan, put the gun clown .... Okay, all right, we don't
have to rob the bank. We can go home, have supper with
the kids. You're nota wuss, okay?! I'm sorry I called ...
Dan put the gun ... Dan ... Put ... Put ... ! Please!
DAN?!

RHONDA
30s
dramatic
A cop apo/ogizing and tender/y saying good

night to her daughter.
Mama's sorry. Mommy just had a bad day. Now go to

sleep, all right? Mama didn't mean to yell just now.
Sometimes I just bring my work home, l'm sorry. There's
bad people in the world, and Momrny has to catch thern
and put thern in jail. And sometimes, well, I don't leave
my anger outside. But I didn't mean to yell at you just
now, I swear. You're a good girl, and I love you. And I
promise from now on 1'11 leave my work at the precinct,
okay? Now turn around, go to sleep. And tomorrow
when you get up, we'll have a big breakfast and go to the
zoo. (Smiling.) Mommy loves you; I do. Mommy loves
you. See you in the morning.
11 O / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

MARGIE
20s to 30s
comedie
Margie describes the strange guy she met in

a bar the night befare.
So this guy last night, weird, but wonderful. Nice lookir{g,

blonde, blue eyes. Tells me he's an "android," whatever
the hell that is. Figure it's sorne religion, y'know, like Sci-
entology or sornething. And he talks real slow, looks right
into my eyes. I mean how often you meet a guy in a bar
these days who's actually looking into your eyes? And he
wants to know al! about me, everything. And I'm flat-
tered. So finally I say, "Hey, you want to go back to my
place?" And he says, get this, "As you wish." Well, when
we get back to my place, al! I can say, was for somebody
who talked so slow, he was a freakin' sex machine! And
finally, after the FOURTH TIME, I said, "Enough al-
ready!" He looked so sad, asked if I was "displeased."
Told himno, I was just tired. When he left, I gave him my
phone number, and he ate it. Ate it, yeah, put it in his
mouth. Said that's how he remembers things. He was so
sweet this guy, so polite, was like from another planet.
Oh this one, this one's a keeper, a real keeper, yeah.

HELEN
60s years old
comedie
At sixty-eight years o/d, He/en final/y fee/s to-

tal/y liberated.
Because I'm sixty-eight, SIXTY-EIGHT, okay? And when

you get to be sixty-eight, son, there's a freedom that
comes with the territory. A what-the-hell, y'know?! My
whole life, I was such a goody-goody. Believed whatever
they told me; that a woman's place was always in the
backseat. I believed that crap. And I believed women's lib,
feminism, that was for the lesbians and kooks. So I stayed
home, cooked, had kids, took care of my Carl. Well now
he's gone, going on two years. And I've been living like in
a limbo, not knowing which way to go. But today, today
I am SIXTY.-EIGHT! And it's never too late. So I'm buy-
ing me that bikini. That small, yellow, polka dot ... And
y'know, y'know, I don't give a crap what people think.
And maybe I'll come back tomorrow and buy me another,
even smaller. Or one of those push up bras. Or I might
just go out to a disco, or call up sorne male escort service!
Have me one of them studs delivered. I might, yeah. So
wrap it up, that bikini. Put it in a box, a gift box. lt's a
birthday present, from me to me. For me, a very special
lady on her sixty-eighth birthday.

BETTE
late 20s to ear ly 30s
dramatic
Beffe tells of her experience while running

away from her wedding.
I just got on the bus, that's all. Paid rny money, got my '
ticket and found a seat. And that whole ride I just looked
out the window, lost in terrified thoughts. Thoughts of
what I had left behind. And on that bus I saw towns and
rivers, all kind of places. I'd look ata house and befare it
could fly by I'd wonder what her life was like, the woman
who lived there. Did her kids spend their Sundays in that
portable pool with the dirty water? Did she and her hus-
band have friends over for barbecues? Was she happy
there in that house that needed a good painting? Or did
she just stop caring? Did she start getting fat and ... ?
Had she given up everything for hirn? I wondered, I did.
(A beat.) I don't know why I left hirn. S'no simple answer.
Love him to death, I do. But it was as simple as slipping
frorn one dress into another. Just got on the bus heading
for points unknown. Disappear-for better or worse. For-
ever, till death ... Well forever's too long! Please, don't
look at me like that. I'm so sorry, for everything, all the
trouble I've ... I'm back now, I'rn back. And that's ali
that matters, isn't it?

VERNICE
; 30s to 50s
seriocomedic
Vernice describes her naughty dream in

which George Clooney is her dentist.
And so I had this dream. And in it George Clooney was

my dentist. George Clooney! And George, he tells me I
have halitosis. And I'm terribly embarrassed. I mean here
I have bad breath with George Clooney, couldn't ya die?
But then, in my dream, Brad Pitt walks in. Brad Pitt! And
he's wearing white. He's the dental hygienist. He's there to
sweeten my breathe, he says. And Brad smiles that cure
Brad Pitt smile, and then puts his sexy hand deep into my
mouth. And in my dream I happen to notice that Brad
don't have no gloves on, no latex gloves. And I'm
thinkin', "Aren't they supposed to wear gloves? He
shouldn't be puttin' his hands in peopl~'s mouths with no
gloves on." But then I think, "Well what the hell, it's Brad
Pitt!" And besides, George is standing right next to him.
And George is smiling at me, that sexy, comforting ... So
I let Brad put his fingers, his whole hand, deep, deep into
my mouth. And it felt so good having his hand in there.
And best of all I know that when he's through I will no
longer have halitosis. My breath will smell like sweet
summer roses. And his hand's going deeper and deeper,
deeper and deeper! And I don't even gag on it or any-
thing, no ... But then, then I wake up, open my eyes.
And I realize I'm home in bed with Harry. And he's on
top of me. A little sneak attack while I was asleep. And
his breath, my God, horrible, halitosis. I quickly close my
eyes hoping I'll see Brad or George! But there's only
Harry, only Harry, Harry.

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101

MONOLOGUE AUDITION SERIES

A Smith and Kraus Book

© 2005 by Smith and Kraus, Inc.

First Edition: February 2006

The Monologue Audition Series ISSN 1067-134X

GLENN ALTERMAN is the author of The Perfect Audition Mono-

FRANK (30s) comedie, the brother of a criminal. .............. ; 2

JULIANNE (30s to 50s) seriocomedic, the inner thoughts of an

hen my publisher, Eric Kraus, first suggested my writing a

To my students who were instrumental in helping me shape and

Frank tries to talk his mom into turning his

All we gotta do, all we gotta do is tell him we wanna go

2 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Charlie, a /oner, talks about his /ove

Ben reca/1s the last time he saw hís gírlfríend.

4 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Ned ta/ks about the patients who come to

They come here, hoping. They track me clown, travel far

A guy who just had a strange encounter

So I go up to the bar, and there's this drop-dead gorgeous

6 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Howard reca/1s a moment when he thought

Maybe l'rn a coward, I don't know. All I knew is when i'

A /awyer talks of a prísoner sent to jaíl for a

B / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Alfred has come to terms that he 's nuts.

(Manic.) Crazy insane thoughts. Nuts, nuts! So finally one

A dead man who decides to become

The day I died I couldn't figure out where I wanted to go,

1O / 60 Seconds to Shine Vol ume 3

A drunk, bíffer man attending

(Somewhat drunk.) 1 don't know, man. 1 look at them

Howie lambastes his father for being rude to

Does that make you feel strong, Dad, huh? Important?

12 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

A tourist in New York City for the first time.

(Very excited.) You walk out an elevator, say helio, and

Reg, a soap opera star, talks of an embarrassing

I was at the hotel health club, running on the treadmill.

14 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

A man gíves a stern /ecture to a young boy

Harrís reca/1s seeíng a man hove a heart

I was hungry, eager to eat my pastrami sandwich. lt was

16 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

John talks of his cancer scare.

When he carne in, he said, "We just don't know, need to

18 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Gabe confesses to a fe/low worker that he 's

I'm a fairy. Now you know. So is Nate. We both are. I

Leonard ta!ks about realizing his mother

The first time I noticed was on the phone, our weekly

20 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Sean revea/s his dream to be a rock star.

I'm gorma be a rock star, man! And everyone's gorma

/ Christian freaks out when he learns

One?! One minute?! You're kidding. What can you ... ?

22 / 60 Seconds to Shine Volume 3

Marshall, a prisoner on death row,

Tad reveals to his wife that he secretly had a