THE CONFESSIONS OF PARVEEN BABI

Parveen babi has always been unpredictable. In her life. In her

loves. In almost anything she has done.

Her career in films brought her runaway success. It also brought

her terrifying loneliness, and an anguish that haunted her and left her life in
shambles. The emptiness and despair brought her to the brink of madness,
again and again.
She tried to opt out several times. And each time she failed. She
returned to films, to ride wave after wave of success. Cruel success. Success
that brought her greater suffering, greater loneliness.

And then, some months back, she suddenly vanished from the
scene. No one knew where she had gone. Rumours were rife about another
mental breakdown after seeing Mahesh Bhatt’s Arth, the film based on their
relationship. Others said she had gone off with UG Krishnamurti, the latest guru
on the booming religion circuit. Producers are going broke waiting for her. The
industry is scared. Will she ever come back?

In this fascinating autobiographical piece, exclusive to our

magazine, Parveen Babi breaks her silence. In her quite, superbly written style,
she explains what went wrong and why. What the future holds in store for her.
The way she wants to live her life.
 Over to Parveen Babi.

For the past six years the famous Indian actress, Parveen Babi has
been struggling with problems, decisions, and personal crises, heretofore
reported solely by way of speculation and gossip. What follows is her own first–
hand account of her life during these trying years, which she calls a fragment of
my life.
In writing this heart-felt self-expose, Parveen Babi also puts to rest
many of the absurd and ill-informed rumours regarding her close friend,
confidant, mentor, and traveling companion, UG Krishnamurti. One clearly
senses the forceful, though mysteriously benign influence this enigmatic,
infuriating and unconventional man has had upon her and her welcomed
recovery.
By now everything that is conceivable must have been written and
said about Parveen Babi. Gossip, speculations and may be even accusations
galore. Under these circumstances there is just one person who can clarify
everything once and for all. Parveen Babi herself and that is precisely what she is
doing.
Yes, I am she, and I am going to once and for all clarify the entire
situation as best as I can.

On July 30th, 1983, I boarded a flight out of the country, leaving

behind my home, my family, my friends, my career, my country, my everything!
Why?
I arrived in Switzerland via London to be with a person called UG
Krishnamurti. Again, why? Who is this person? What is my relationship with him?

These are a few questions everybody must ask and I am going to

answer them. But before I begin, let me make one thing very clear-I am not
playing ‘hooky’ from work for my personal pleasure. My intention never was and
never will be to in any manner to harm or hurt the film industry in general, or any
of my producers in particular.

To understand my actions you will have to first understand the

events of my life over the past few years. More important, you will have to
understand this man called UG Krishnamurti, as I understand him. He has in the
last few years played such an important part in my life that it would be impossible
to talk about my life without talking about him.

In the year 1978, in Bombay, I walked into somebody’s middleclass,

suburban living room to meet UG Krishnamurti. I was at the time already an
upcoming star of the Hindi film industry. I had already appeared on the
prestigious Time magazine cover and deeply in love with the dashing actor, Kabir
Bedi. In spite of having practically everything going for me in life, I constantly
suffered from a feeling of dissatisfaction. Disillusionment with existing reality …is
what had taken me to the famous philosopher, J Krishnamurti and had now
brought me to the doorstep of UG Krishnamurti. This was part of my spiritual
search.

Kabir and I first heard about UG Krishnamurti from a director friend,

Mahesh Bhatt, who referred to him as the ‘Second Krishnamurti’, and described
him as ‘a mind blowing guy’. It was he who took us both to meet UG Krishnamurti
that particular afternoon.

The ‘mind blowing guy’ turned out to be a small, simple, mild

mannered man in loose-fitting kurta and pyjamas. He was accompanied by an
old European lady with exceptionally bright eyes. She was introduced to us as
Valentine de Kervan from Switzerland. Our friend Mahesh told us she ‘ looked
after’ UG Krishnamurti. There was nothing seemingly extraordinary about this
man. He looked and behaved like any other ordinary man on the street. Yet,
when Valentine handed us a copy of his biography, the events of this man’s life
defied all the known, logical, psychological, physical and scientific conventions. It
talked about the physical transformation he had gone through in this forty-ninth
year, when ‘each cell in the body exploded’, when he actually died ‘a clinical,
physical death’, and was brought back to life by a phone call from a friend. He
called these events ‘the calamity’. I interpreted it as the attainment of
enlightenment. My interpretation was based on the reading I had done of the
similar events described in various books of J Krishnamurti.

We asked UG about what happened to him after the calamity, about

his present state. Was he functioning differently now? He said that ‘the calamity’
had wiped out everything –his entire past. Through a complete physical and
biological transformation he was freed from time. The change took place not
because of what he had or had not done but in spite of what he had or had not
done. After the physical transformation, he fell into what he calls ‘the natural
state’ - a computer-like, animal-like state of being - a constant state of wonder.
He had to relearn everything like a two-year-old child, which he did with the help
of the Valentine. In the ‘natural state’ he said the thoughts are there, only there is
nothing linking them together and giving them continuity and perpetuity. The
more I heard, the more I believed that I was meeting the second enlightened man
in my life, the first being JK of course!

Our conversations invariably drifted to JK - we were all JK regulars

and admirers and we had heard that UG at one time had associated with the
theosophical society and JK, and that later in life he had broken the association
walked out on both.

Now, by the very mention of JK’s name UG flew into a near rage.
He blasted JK’s teachings. “He sits there and throws empty words and phrases
at you”, and even went a step further to call him a ‘phoney’! UG’s extreme views
on JK made me uncomfortable and offended the JK loyalist in me. But in spite of
it all I liked this man. There was so much else that was nice and warm and
pleasant about him that I could not walk out and forget him. In any case I thought
both UG and JK were talking about the same things-a complete transformation of
one’s being – in their own different ways. I was not ready to believe that JK was a
‘phoney’. On the other hand, there was a possibility that UG himself was one: a
crook, a hoax –how was I to know? I had no apparatus to give either of them an
‘enlightenment test’; I had absolutely no way of finding out.

We discussed ‘love’ in man-woman relationship. I needed

desperately to believe in it. I was up to my nose in love with Kabir. I don’t
remember UG’s exact reply to the question of love, but I do remember it was
neither comforting nor reassuring. It was quite the contrary- it was the truth I did
not want to face.

After spending about two hours with him, Kabir and I took our
leave. UG stood on the balcony waving goodbye. As we were getting into the car,
UG observed to Mahesh standing beside him that my relationship with Kabir will
not survive.

My relationship with Kabir did not survive. Though I gave all I had to
keep my relationship with him from breaking. It broke. And so did I - may be a
little, from inside.

At my next meeting with UG I found myself indirectly playing

hostess to him and Valentine in Bombay. The friend with whom they used to stay
had sold his house and now they had no home in Bombay. I arranged, for them,
a small apartment in Juhu, and tried in my own way to make their stay
comfortable.

A lot had happened in my life since my first meeting with UG. I had
left my film career for my love, Kabir, and had gone to live with him in Europe.
Kabir in the meanwhile had fallen in love with his career and things had started to
go wrong between us.

I had returned to India and to the film industry. For the first time in
my life I had realized that I was on my own, alone, to fend, defend and provide
for my self. I had also realized that money, as a means to survival, is one of the
most important things in the world, and I was going to earn it. I had started
working hard, had become a disciplined professional, had even become
ambitious (an emotion I had always denounced and kept away from). The break-
up with Kabir had been in many ways a turning point in my life.

In old friend, Mahesh Bhatt, I had found a comforting new love and
companionship.

I was at this point in my life with UG. Sitting in the apartment at

Juhu, he playfully look at the palm of my hand and said, “there is going to be
another break in your career”. God! That’s all I needed now! I needed another
break in my career like I needed a hole in my head! I was still struggling to
recover what I had lost when I had walked out on my career to follow Kabir. I
asked him if it was a mystical, clairvoyant prediction. He said it was ‘only an
educated guess’. Though I could not conceive any such possibility, his educated
guess disturbed me. My career was the center of my existence, it was all I had
and I didn’t want to lose it. I said to myself - it was impossible! I was working
hard, working well. I had 20 films on hand, enough work to occupy me for next
five years. Producers were happy with me, audiences liked me - so why would be
there be a break? I didn’t need it - I didn’t want it and I was determined not to
have it. I examined every logical, rational possibility – the future of my career
looked sound. The only two things I didn’t think of were death or crippling ill
health, but then the possibilities of such things don’t come into the head of a 25-
year-old, perfectly healthy, fairly successful, glamorous movie star. These two
things happen only to the others!

This time Mahesh and I spent a lot of time with U G in the Juhu
apartment. I was genuinely curious to know more about this man, whom I thought
to be enlightened. Was he really? What was his life –public and private? Did he
have a sex life? Did he have any powers? What was his relationship with Mme
Valentine?

Whenever I had time I found myself in U G’s company. I didn’t ask

any questions, but I listened a lot. Most of what he said was beyond
comprehension for me. But what little I did understand and agree with was this:

He hated the term ‘enlightenment’. He said there was no such thing

as enlightenment as it has been described in the holy Scriptures and by
numerous spiritual mystics and kooks. The idea of enlightenment being a state of
bliss and beautitude was false. The state he was in was a state of perpetual
physical discomfort and pain - not bliss. He seemed bent upon taking the poetic
and the lyrical out of enlightenment, which is what attracted so many people to
the concept. He equally hated the terms pure, unconditional love and
compassion - he said nobody who talked about it knew anything about it either.

His main message of purpose seemed to be to dissuade people

from their search for the utopian concept of the state of enlightenment. He said
nobody was going to find it, because that state of being does not exist. The
natural state in which he himself had stumbled could not be attained or achieved
through any conscious effort, religious practice or spiritual discipline. Its nature
was ‘a-causal’, and it could happen to anybody. – it would happen regardless of
anything. His favourite phrase was, ‘You can kill the new born baby or your next
door neighbour and you would still have as much, even more, of a chance of
stumbling into your natural state than, say, a yogi, who has spent all his time
praying and practicing the spiritual path.’
 With the understanding of this, my personal spiritual search ended.
I started visiting UG more on a friendly social level, and not with the hope of
getting somewhere spiritually. The pretentiousness of compassion dropped away
and I became a little more myself.

I often heard him tell people that there is only this world. This is the
reality and the only reality. So stop chasing enlightenment and get on with your
work, family and daily lives.

I was also beginning to see the basic difference between what UG

was saying and what JK was saying. JK indirectly, subtly gave hope of attaining
something different, something better, than the existing reality. He talked about
‘radical change’ through ‘awareness’ – UG gave no hope whatsoever, and
promised nothing better to anybody. After grasping a bit of what UG was saying, I
could not go back to listen to JK again. At the same time I could not brush him
aside completely, with authority, as did UG.

As far as his lifestyle was concerned, the first thing I realized was
that, unlike all of us, he was only one person. We all lead two lives
simultaneously, private and public. We are almost two different people in private
and public. This duality is missing in his life. Except for closing the toilet door, for
the sake of decency, he seemed to have nothing to hide from anybody, anytime.
Unlike other spiritual leaders and holy men, he had no closely guarded inner
sanctum. In the Juhu apartment he gave the only bedroom to Valentine and he
himself slept out on the balcony. His clothes lacked the glamour of flowing white
robes usually associated with spiritual personalities. Rather than trying to look
different from the rest of the world, UG’s constant effort and obsession seemed to
be to function like an ordinary man in this world. He often said, “ If there is
anything to this ‘natural state’ it has to function in this world, in day to day life, not
away from it in some cave.”

While he stayed in the Juhu apartment I observed his routine. He

rose early in the morning, went for a walk, had his breakfast, and usually
received people who dropped in. All kinds of people came, actors, writers,
businessmen, film directors, producers, hippies, religious buffs, westerners,
followers of various other gurus. A maximum were JK followers. UG attracted
them like a magnet – he called them JK freaks. There was also a gentleman who
called himself ‘Ambassador of God’. He wore shirts embroidered with his title and
messages of love and peace. It was truly a democratic congregation. Unlike
other gurus I knew of who granted specific private audiences to the rich and
famous, I observed that UG truly didn’t make any distinction, especially between
rich and poor, or celebrities and nobodies. He was available to all at any time of
the day or night. His special advice to Valentine was never to turn anybody away
from his doorstep, irrespective of time or his own personal circumstance. He
always dropped his personal chores and attended to whoever came to see him.
He sat there day after day. Ten, maybe 12 hours, talking with people. He spoke
relentlessly and with tremendous certainty and authority.

About sex, he said, referring to himself, “Such an individual is

incapable of the physical act of sex or reproduction.” What about powers? Did he
possess any? Well, a friend tried to record his conversation and the tapes ran
blank. Lots of people got cheap thrills thinking it was a miracle. UG personally
attributed it to mechanical failure, and I agreed with him.

UG did not possess any money or property anywhere in the world,

which he could call his own. Valentine had inherited a moderate sum of money
from her father and at one point in her life and entrusted the money, and her life,
to the hands of UG. They lived on that money. UG never concealed the fact that
Valentine was financially providing for him. He seemed to accept the situation
most rationally without any feelings of shame and guilt. On the other hand, one
never sensed the superior attitude of the provider in Valentine. In fact, it was she
who was more dependent on UG. She was fiercely loyal to him. She was an
exceptional woman in her own right. A thoroughly secular woman, she was not in
the least interested in spiritual matters. Still, she gave him shelter. In her youth
she had been a film producer, a revolutionary, and had crossed the Sahara
desert on a motorcycle!!! She was one of the first women to wear pants and have
a contract marriage in the bourgeois societies of Paris and Switzerland in the
30s.

In 1963, when in her 60s, she had met a destitute drifter, UG, in the
Indian embassy where she worked. She gave him shelter, and ever since then
she has stayed with UG through his ‘calamity’ and all. Theirs is a truly unique
relationship. It is not a husband-wife, or a mother-son, or a brother-sister
relationship. UG comes closest in naming it – “We are fellow travelers” he says.
They both traveled all over the world as friends; he said that they traveled to
stretch the buck and to escape severe heat or cold.

When it got too hot in Bombay, UG decided to visit Mahabaleshwar.

I took a few days off and accompanied him with Mahesh and three
other European friends of his. We rented a small house there, took turns running
the kitchen, went for long walks and talked about everything from divinity to
show-biz gossip. It turned out to be one of the loveliest holidays I have ever
spent. For those eight days I felt totally carefree and happy. It was very peaceful
to be with UG. He always seemed so full of care for everybody. He smiled a lot –
it was an open smile and at times it tuned mischievous, like a child’s and then he
would say, “I have powers”. At other times he would look at his foot, point to his
toe, and say, “What is that this foot cannot do!” He always made these
statements with such casualness and playfulness that it was left entirely up to
you to credit or discredit those statements. Most of the time we just listened, half
amused, half in awe, but always without any proof of what that foot can or cannot
do!

He constantly suffered from physical pain and discomfort

specifically around full-moon time. Big bead like glands would swell around his
neck in a necklace-like formation. Sometimes two horn-like glands swelled up in
his head. He would show them to us; by now we were getting quite to these
extraordinary things that were happening to this extraordinary man.

During the course of the day UG would drop a word here, a

sentence there, of such truth, value and honesty that it would stick in your mind
permanently without any conscious effort. UG seemed to effect us most at the
subliminal level.

Finally it was time for UG and Valentine to move on. He had friends
all over the world, and wherever he went he was always surrounded by old
friends and new acquaintances.

Back in Bombay I still could not perceive any break in my career. It

was moving on an upward graph. The future seemed bright, the present,
comfortable. Also my relationship with Mahesh was settling into a comfortable
groove. The following year Mahesh and I went to Gstaad, Switzerland, for a
holiday with UG. It was strange to see UG in western clothes. He said it was
practical and comfortable to wear them in the west, considering the weather
conditions and the life-style. He also disliked standing out from among the crowd
by the wearing of Indian clothes. They (UG and Valentine) lived in a small, rented
chalet. Gstaad is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, so beautiful
in fact that years ago it made UG get off the train and make it his semi
permanent home. UG was very active and efficient in the west. He cooked,
shopped in supermarkets for food and clothes, dealt efficiently with banking and
finance – like any other average westerner.

His routine life-style continued even there. Friends and strangers

dropped in to see him with questions and problems, and UG went on singing his
song. After having observed him for more than two years, I could sum up his life
style with a paradox; he lived a life neither like that of a saint – going through life
abstaining from everything, nor that of a sinner – indulging in everything.

Every time I met UG, I liked him a little more. There was something
about him that made him very trustworthy. Somewhere deep within myself I felt
here was a man I could trust who would not take advantage of me in any manner.
I also felt that if UG betrayed my trust then there was nobody worthy of trust in
this world. It was a very extreme emotion to feel, but I felt it strongly. In my mind I
had put UG on a pedestal, reserved for the perfect human being who could do no
wrong – UG confirmed my belief. “It is not the question of whether I will or will not
do something wrong. Such an individual (one who is in the natural state) is
singularly incapable of doing wrong” he explained. It was not because of any
moral, ethical, or social reasons – it was just so.

Since I had known UG I had never seen him use, manipulate, or

exploit either people or situations for his personal gain. It was this trait that made
him so special, so trustworthy, and so different from the rest of the world, myself
included.

One afternoon, I was sitting in the garden talking to him about

Mahesh when he commented that my relationship with Mahesh will certainly end.
No! I did not need a third broken relationship in my life. I had already been
through two and that was quite enough. How I wished I could brush aside UG’s
comments and forget about them, but I couldn’t. It disturbed me deeply. I could
neither believe it nor could I disbelieve it. Though UG maintained that there was
nothing clairvoyant about his comment – it was not a prediction, only an
‘educated guess’ – at the same time he told me that “no thought that enters my
head can ever be wrong.” He left it at that, without any further discussion.

I returned to Bombay and to work. My career had never looked

better. I was looking, feeling and working better than I ever had. I was already in
the running for a number one role. There wasn’t a film being made in Bombay
without Parveen Babi in it. Everybody was amazed at my successful comeback.
A lot of people were turning green with envy and everybody was giving credit to
my ‘luck’. Let me assure you it was no luck; it was pure sweat, tears and
heartbreaking hard work. To the onlookers my position seemed ideal. Any girl
would have given anything to be in my shoes, but I was beginning to feel the
pinch. The struggle for survival in showbiz, its pressures and its demands, were
getting at me. I was too much, and too far, into it to give it up now. I was almost
half way and the only thing I could do was to push ahead. I continued to push.

One day I was sitting in my make-up room with full film make up,
when I noticed that my skin had lost its luster, my foundation had turned dark on
my face. I felt deep fear in the pit of my stomach. That was the beginning of my
nightmare.

For the next two days I tried desperately to continue working. I kept
on reporting for work in that condition, suppressing and controlling my fear, until
finally one afternoon in the middle of a shot the fear took over. I became frantic. I
ran out of the stage, sat in my car, and reached home. Every muscle in my body
was shivering. My eyes were bulging out with fear. I was feeling sick, panic
stricken and I lay huddled in my bed. From then on things only got worse.

Slowly, one by one, I lost trust in everybody and everything around

me. Have you ever wondered what it is like to function in life, distrusting
everything and everybody? We trust most of the things and people around us
without questioning. We trust the food we eat, the water we drink, the air we
breathe. We trust basic modern amenities like phones, air conditioners, fans, not
to mention doctors, medicines, family, friends, most of the world, and most of
humanity. It is impossible to function in life without trusting. And that is precisely
what happened to me. I lost trust in everything and everybody, including my
mother and my boyfriend. There was just one ray of hope in this darkness, just
one saving grace. For some reason, in that state, I felt there was just one person
I could trust in this whole world. The person was UG Krishnamurti. I called him up
in Switzerland and told him I was unwell. He told me he would be in India within a
week and that I should hold on. I held on writhing in pain.

UG arrived in Bombay. He stayed at a director friend, Vijay Anand’s,

place. For the first time since I ran out of the studio, I got out of the house to go
meet U.G. It was his presence in Bombay that made me feel protected enough to
be able to go out of the house.

When I saw U.G., he just shook his head and said, “Parveen – you!
I can’t believe it” I think he meant he could not believe that I of all the people was
in that situation. I told him I was afraid; he did not ask of whom, or of what. He
suggested that I should get out of Bombay, leaving behind everybody and
everything that I distrusted. I told him I didn’t have courage to travel alone. He
said, “Courage will come”. Unfortunately, I did not follow his advice. I could not. I
was so full of fear that I could not imagine from where “the courage will come”! I
discussed with him whether I should accept medical help. Doctors had been
brought in, but so far, I had refused to take any medicines. I distrusted both
doctors and the medicines. He said it should be entirely my decision.

I returned home and for the next two days continued to be crazed
with fear. When I could bear it no more, I decided to take the medicines. I called
UG to my place and told him about my decision to start taking medicines. He said
it was a 'good decision'; I swallowed a handful of tablets without having any trust or
faith in them.

I felt so weak I could hardly get up from my bed—medicines slowed

me down, but they did not bring back the trust I had lost. UG would come to visit
me whenever I called him. He would ask me not to be afraid, and time and again
assured me that nothing would happen to me, that he would personally, protect
me. But I was beyond assurances.

People around me were going through a different kind of hell. My

mother could not understand what was happening to me. Mahesh was incapable of
coping with the situation. He seemed more concerned about himself that about
me, and I could sense it. This made things even worse for me—the nightmare
continued. The only time I felt fearless and secure was in UG's presence. I believe
that UG was one person who will never harm or hurt me, and that he had
extraordinary powers which could protect me.
 One day I myself experienced something, quite inexplicable and
extraordinary. I had just finished a hot cup of tea at UG's place and I began to feel
cold and my legs felt weak. It was not the ordinary feeling of cold or weakness. I
identified those sensations in my body as loss of life. Yes, I was losing life from my
body, starting from my legs. I was dying! As absurd as it sounds, it did happen to
me. UG asked me to go home. He put a shawl around my shoulders, shook my
hand and said, "Goodbye". Mahesh took me to the car. I couldn't walk. I was reeling
as though drunk. I had no control over my legs; Mahesh was literally dragging me to
the car. I was in panic—I was dying! I collapsed in the car. I could not believe I was
dying! Halfway to my home I felt as though my stomach had turned into a suction
pump and was drawing all the air out of me.

We reached home. Mahesh physically carried me to my flat. They

put me on my bed—I lay there flat on my back, my respiratory pattern changed.
Instead of inhaling and exhaling, my body only exhaled. So far I had felt panic,
disbelief and I had been fighting what was happening to me. Whatever was
happening to me was so powerful that I could not fight it for long. It was taking me
over physically and with great speed. I had no alternative but to surrender to it. I
surrendered to this great physical force that was draining out the life from me. I
mentally came to terms with the fact that this was the end of me. I was dying—I
had no choice in the matter—all I could do was die!

Now my entire body from the neck down felt lifeless. The only
evidence of life I felt was in my throat—two veins in my throat were stilt throbbing. I
also felt a throbbing sensation in the middle of my throat between the collar bones.
I could not move any part of my body except my head. I could still think, see and
talk. My mother, Mahesh, my secretary, servants, all stood around my bed, some
crying. I wanted to be on the floor, closer to the ground. They lifted me and put me
on the ground. I wanted to be fed some water, and I wanted to speak to U G. They
fed me some water with a spoon, dialed UG's number, and held the receiver to my
ear. I said in the phone, "UG I am going." UG laughed and said, "Where?" I told him
I wanted to see him. He said, "Can you hold on until seven o'clock? I have some
people here." I said, "I think I can. I'll see you at seven."

I lay there waiting—I must have waited about half an hour, the door-
bell rang, I knew it was UG. I asked someone to get to the door and looked at the
watch. It was seven sharp. I heard UG enter the apartment. He walked through the
passage, removed his chappals and emerged into the room I was lying in. At that
very moment I felt a throbbing between my eyebrows, just above the nose, in my
pituitary gland. He smiled, gave me his hand, and said, "Get up". I felt life return to
my body. I took his hand and got up.

My life was becoming a vicious circle of pills and fears. I continued

to be trapped in it. Finally, one day, I pleaded with U G to get me out of it. I
remember his words distinctly; he said, "Parveen, the only way you'll get out of
this is if you trust somebody and you have to trust that person so much that even
if that person comes with a knife in his hand to kill you—you have to be ready to
be killed by him." Was there anybody I could trust so? I searched within myself.
The answer was UG, but it was unacceptable to UG. He said he was not the right
person, he had his own course of life and that he could not be with me. I needed
someone who could be with me. He suggested I trust Mahesh. This suggestion
was totally unacceptable to me. I fell to his feet and begged him to help me, to save
me. I think it was my state of utter helplessness that moved him to help me. He
assumed and accepted the role of mentor from that day onwards. Although I
trusted him with my life, he never made any decisions concerning me without
consulting the doctors who were treating me. He insisted that I continue to take the
prescribed doses of medication, though I was always wanting to stop taking them.
The only thing he stood firmly against was the suggestion of 'shock treatment',
which he firmly believed I did not need. He felt what I really needed was a
complete change of environment. He was going to Bangalore, and he suggested it
would be good for me to go there with him for a rest cure. It would be good for me
to get out of Bombay. The doctors eventually agreed. UG left earlier. I was to join
him there later with Mahesh.

I was petrified of the journey. The only reason I was prepared to

make this journey was to be with UG in Bangalore. I left the house full of
apprehension. But then something extraordinary happened. I became totally
devoid of feelings, and since fear and distrust were the only two feelings I had felt
for weeks. I became a automation, a physical being propelled in forward momentum
by a force within me. My head held itself high and my body became straight and
erect - the physical stance of a totally fearless person. I felt some force moving
within my stomach, slowly catching hold of it. These past few weeks I had felt and
experienced everything in my stomach. Fear used to start as a physical sensation in
the pit of my stomach and used to physically churn the inside of my stomach. I felt
as though this force was holding me together. I never again felt 'scared to death'.

UG was at the airport to receive me. We stayed in the modest homes

of very warm and loyal friends of UG. He was right. Change of environment was
the solution to my problem. I felt secure in this environment. The fact that U G was
physically present all the time was my main source of comfort. My behaviour
changed visibly. I no longer locked doors and windows. I went out for short walks
with UG, met people freely and trustingly, started eating proper meals and was able
to sleep soundly and peacefully. The difference between my condition in Bombay
and my condition in Bangalore was astounding. What was more astounding was
the fact that change had come about literally overnight. UG consulted doctors for me
in Bangalore. I trusted these new doctors. I continued taking medicines on doctors
and UG's insistence. I travelled all over south India with UG and Valentine.
Mahesh was also travelling with us, chaperoning me. But I grew further and further
away from him.

I rested a lot. Though the fears had disappeared completely, I still had
a lot of recovering to do physically. I had grown extremely weak. My voice had
deteriorated. Most of all my nerves and my brain cells had to heal. UG would from
time to time transmit some energy through my palm and assure me that I would
recover completely. At that time I strongly felt that it was UG's energy and not the
medicines that were helping me.

I spent nearly three months away from Bombay in Bangalore with UG.
It was really a haven I most needed at that particular time in my life. Over there I
was protected from any kind of pressures, social or professional. My recovery was
almost complete now. One day I went for a walk with UG and asked him the key
question, "What happened to me, UG?" The answer was short and direct: "You
went mad, Parveen." For the first time I accepted that I had gone mad and that all
that which I had experienced—distrust, fears—was part of my illness. The very
acceptance of my madness made me 'not mad '.

With madness gone, the logic and reason returned, and with reason
a few questions; was it medicines or was it UG's energies that had cured me? I
confronted UG with the question. His answer was, "I don't know—maybe both." He
insisted that I continue to take a reduced dose of medicine. Another question that
bothered me was if everything I had experienced was part of my illness, what about
the trust, the blind faith I had felt for UG? "That, too, was a part of your illness,"
was UG's reply. One more question I asked was, "Why had it happened to me?"
UG and the doctors explained to me that the root cause of this particular illness
was genetic. Some people were genetically more susceptible to it—I happened
to be one of them.

I started to meet my producers, and pressure for me to get back to

work started to mount. I began with dubbing a few hours a day. Slowly, as I grew
stronger, I prepared to get back to my career and to pick up the various lost
threads of my life. Everybody, especially those connected with me professionally,
seemed pleased with my decision. The only person who seemed apprehensive
about it was UG.

He felt it was not a good idea for me to go back to my old way of

life. He felt it was the tension and the pressures of a show business career that
were responsible for my breakdown. Now that I knew I was genetically
susceptible to this illness, it would be foolish for me to put myself in exactly the
same situation once again. He pointed out to me that there was always a
possibility of a relapse with this particular illness.

Relapse! I had just survived and come out of one nightmare of an

illness. I had barely heaved a sigh of relief. I wanted to forget all about it, not be
reminded of a relapse. I thought it was a negative way of looking at my future. I
wanted to approach my future in a much more positive manner. At that time,
UG's advice made no sense to me at all, but I made a feeble attempt to try and
get away from my old way of life. I parted with Mahesh, he being a major part of
my old life. As far as my career was concerned, I had commitments to fulfill. I
returned to Bombay with UG and began work on my half completed films.

With each passing day UG seemed to grow more concerned about

the possibility of a relapse. He started warning. Every time I saw him he talked
about nothing else. But the possibility of a relapse could not be ignored. It started
disturbing me, his warning started to haunt me and even though disturbing I felt
fine— physically as well as mentally— strong enough to face the world and my
career—it was my faith in UG, my belief that any thought that enters his
consciousness can never be wrong, is what frightened me. I certainly did not
want to go mad again. UG's warnings grew so intense that they almost became
threats. The possibility of the relapse became a certainty. According to UG I really
became afraid. I didn't know what to do. How do I avoid going mad again? UG
suggested, I give up my old way of life entirely.

Giving up my old way of life meant giving up my career, my

relationships, everything that I had built so far; my identity. It meant walking out
on my entire past. The question that bothered me the most was what to do after
walking out on my past. I could see nothing certain, like a different career, or
some other job—or anything for that matter.

Another issue that was really tearing me apart was my

responsibility towards my producers and their films. I really did not wish them any
harm, financially or otherwise. But if at the same time continuing with my career
meant going mad for certain, then what was the right thing for me to do? Should I
continue with my career to save my producers or discontinue it to save my life?

I discontinued it, with the intention of completing my films, slowly,

with long periods of rest in between.

I left India to travel with UG and Valentine.

We arrived in Bali—this was the first time I was travelling as a no-

body. It was also the first time I was completely alone, stripped of my entire past.
I felt awkward and uncomfortable, even in my relationship with UG I didn't know
what to do with myself. I began to miss the glamour, the glitter, the hectic pace of
the old life.

Also, for the first time my faith in UG was waning. I really couldn't
see myself having a relapse in the future. So why was UG frightening me all the
time with such a possibility. Was he using that threat to control and to manipulate
me? Why did he want to help me in particular? I thought maybe he was a little in
love with me, or I thought Valentine was growing old, and I with my financial
assets and my circumstances was the ideal person to replace Valentine.
Throughout our travels (with all these doubts in my head) I spent most of the time
locked in the room, not participating in anything.
 We came back to India to do some more work on my films. I could
not work properly. I was all the time afraid I might go mad again. By now the
producers were starting to become aggressive. Some even filed lawsuits against
me. I had no way of explaining to them what I was going through. In any case,
they were not interested in explanations. They were interested in getting their
films completed. UG made one more attempt to help. He offered to take me with
him to Switzerland and help me establish a new life. He reminded me again that
my old life-style would destroy me. I left for Switzerland out of fear.

In Switzerland I slept for 14 hours a day because I had nothing to

do. I kept on waiting for my new life to start—nothing happened. I grew more and
more desperate and lonely. My health felt perfect. Mentally and physically I had
never felt better, and so I decided that I was well. I asked UG for my return ticket
to India.

He made the last effort to stop me from returning to my old life—he

said I would certainly have a relapse and that it would be fatal for me. I did not
listen.

On the July 27, 1980 I returned to India, to my home, to my family,

to my friends and to my career. I was so happy to be back in my world, where, I
felt I really belonged. I decided to wipe UG and his warnings out of my system
and start life anew on a positive footing. Publicly I never denounced UG, but to a
few close friends I spoke about how UG had tried to control and manipulate my
life.

Getting back to the career was not easy. All the producers were
apprehensive. I personally met all of them and made amends. Slowly, a few
producers came my way. I started work. The phrase, 'You cannot keep a good
worker down' proved right in my case. The producers realized I was sincere and
they all began to come round.

Initially, I wore kid gloves and tried to protect myself from tensions.
But soon I realized that in a competitive career like mine the only way to avoid
pressures and tension was to avoid the career itself. I evaluated my mental and
physical condition and felt no cause for alarm. I regularly kept in touch with
doctors to keep fit and slowly I discarded the kid gloves. I gave all I had, mentally,
physically, emotionally, to my career—I had jumped into the arena; I was fighting
and even if I say so, it was indeed a good show.

In July, last year, I went to London for some stage shows. For the
first time since I had left Switzerland, I strongly felt like meeting UG I rang him up
from London and told him I might come to see him. Later, I got busy with work,
and abandoned the plan to see him.
 A few days later I returned to India from London with a feeling in the
pit of my stomach that all was not well. I kept up a bold, cheery front, which
lasted precisely one night, most of which I spent sleeping. Next day the familiar
distrust returned and started to encompass all the areas of my life. I couldn't take
it. At night I broke down in front of my family and friends. In a desperate attempt
to feel better, to feel serene, I tried a change of place—went to a friend's place,
only to feel worse. A doctor was called in, medicine prescribed, which was no
help at all. As I lay there on the bed, the truth dawned on me—this was the
relapse. I was slowly but surely being consumed by it, and there was nothing I or
anybody around me, could do about it. This was the situation UG had so
desperately and frantically tried to warn me about. One more thing became clear
to me: last time it was not the medicines that had helped me, and they would not
help me this time. It was not within the power of medical science to restore a
human being. It was UG's energy that had restored my health. All that time he
had been genuinely concerned about me, about my life, about my future.

Now that I had realised the truth about a lot of things, there was just
one thing I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to UG, not to thank him. or to ask for his
help again. I just wanted to speak with him.

Next morning I left the friend's house to return to my mother. I was

concerned about her. She is old. How will she be able to take what is happening
to me? Better than I had thought. Everybody around me seemed OK—almost
resigned to my inevitable ill fate. They couldn't help me, they all seemed so
helpless themselves.

I called Gstaad. UG's familiar voice came on the line. The words
that came out of my mouth were "UG, be with me in spirit."

He laughed. "When are you going to America?" he said. When I

had called him up a week before from London, I had mentioned to him the
possibility of my taking a trip to America.

"I will be in America in September for some shows I want to see

you, UG".
"I will see you in America in September," he said.

I put the receiver down and I knew I would see him in America in
September—he had said so on the phone, and by now I knew enough to know
that anything that came into UG's consciousness will certainly happen, anyhow.

At home I tried to isolate myself from everything and everybody in

the hope of feeling better—it didn't help. My condition was worsening. Suddenly I
heard my own voice dictate to me from within. "Get out of Bombay. Get out of
India." I felt I had to get out and get to UG. He was the only hope, the only
redeeming factor. I also know that nobody, friends and family alike, would let me
travel or let me move out of their reach in the condition I was in. There was no
way I could share with them the faith, the confidence, the bond that I felt with UG.
My mother had always viewed UG as an opportunist, an enemy of her daughter
in the disguise of a friend, trying to take her beloved daughter away from her.

That night I told my distraught secretary and mother that I wanted

to go out of the country for a rest. In the midst of violent protestations, my
secretary misplaced my address book, in which were the addresses of every
single person I knew outside the country. My mother pleaded with me not to
leave home.

I left. I had to. It was my entire life in question, in consideration.

On July 30, 1983, I boarded the flight out of India with only my
passport and the clothes I was wearing. As I sat in the plane bound for London, I
looked back and was myself astonished by my own inner strength. I was
suffering from fear—and where had all this courage to travel on my own come
from? Was it all my own strength and courage? I am not a very courageous
person. Another extraordinary thought flashed through my mind. On the phone
I had asked UG to be with me in spirit. Could it be? I had no way of knowing.

I called up UG from Dubai Airport-and told him I was on my way to

Switzerland to see him. He had every right to refuse to even talk to me. I had
hardly been a worthy friend to him. He had no obligation to help me in any
manner, yet he arranged for me to stay with his friend in London until I made
necessary travel arrangements to reach Switzerland. He even came to receive
me at Zurich Airport. It was not an emotional or dramatic reunion. It was a very
matter-of-fact reception. Once in his presence, my fears started to disappear.
Within a few days I started to look and feel better. The change in my physical
condition was so apparent that everybody commented on it. A friend said I looked
like a corpse when I arrived at Zurich Airport. Everyone agreed that being with
UG in Switzerland had done me a world of good. I myself couldn't have agreed
more.

This time UG's attitude was not protective or patronising like last
time. He told me he would not be able to give me any advice, that I was well
enough to make my own decisions, and that he didn't want to get involved with
the Indian film industry, directly or indirectly. Last time, when I was in a similar
situation, his genuine concern and his efforts to save me from another such
nightmare had been questioned, misunderstood, and misconstrued by everyone
including myself. A leading newspaper had even reported, falsely of course, that
we were already married and honeymooning in Bali. UG was apprehensive that if
he got involved the same thing would happen all over again: my producers, my
friends, my secretary and even my mother would blame him. Gossip magazines
would print gross, baseless untruth, even I might turn against him like last time.
Therefore, he told me to go back to my own life and to my own fate.
 I stayed on. I could not go back. In my old life I had seen for myself
the terrifying certainty of a doomed future. I knew now for certain that if I tried to
hold on to my old wreaths, I would be lost. I have to carve out for myself a future
different from my past.

For better or for worse, truly there is no business like show

business! Either you stay in it and pay the price or you are out of it for good. You
can't have it both ways. For me it has come to this: if I stay in it, I loose my head.
So I am staying out. Sorry, but I just can't take it any: more.

For the first time in my life I am finished—done with it all; my fame,

my success, my identity as an actress and my old life. I have come to UG
because I feel he is the only man who can help me bridge over to whatever fate
has in store for me. My starry past makes this task all the more difficult. For so
many years that was the only life I had known. Now, trying to move on to some-
thing else makes me feel like a bird trying to fly with clipped wings. But I am
going to try. What a world of misery would have been averted—if only I had
listened to UG then.

I am now in America with UG and Valentine. Resting, doing

everyday chores like cooking, cleaning, watering plants and shopping for food. I
have never felt more secure. I am peaceful and happy.

What would have happened if UG had turned me away when I

came to him from India? It would have been total destruction for me. This man—
this extraordinary man—has saved me not once, but twice from destruction.
What is it that I can do for him in return? Even if I give away everything I have,
including my life, to such an individual it would not be enough. I have no means
to repay the enormous debt I owe him. He has no need or use for my gratitude in
emotional or material form. He is one person who has given me everything within
his power, without expecting or actually receiving anything from me in return.
What have I really given him. I have merely shown him some common courte-
sies, no more than anybody would do for a friend; arranging a stay for him in
Kashmir, hosting him in Bombay, taking him for a drive, and such. Beyond these
normal expressions of friendship I have done nothing. In fact, he housed an 1 fed
me for months in Bangalore, and, even after denouncing and turning on him, in
Gstaad. Reciprocity played no part in our so called relationship'. He gave and I
look. I have only received—he helped me when friends, relatives, acquaintances,
including my own mother, had either been unwilling or unable to. He has given
me strength, support, friendship and affection whenever I have needed it.

I should really consider myself lucky, and my meeting with UG a

benediction. He is truly an extraordinary person. I am one person who can say
this with certainty because I have witnessed and have been touched and have
been affected by that extraordinary energy. I have seen and experienced for
myself manifestations of that extraordinary force in him. Even now I see him die
physically and come back to life two, maybe three times a day!

Valentine, who has be in with UG for 21 years and has seen many
people In the world, says, "UG is the nicest, kindest man I have ever known". I
agree with her. He goes through people's lives doing and giving whatever he can
quietly. So quietly that sometimes even those who receive are themselves
unaware of having received from him. He says he is like a migratory bird, and
travels only to escape extremes of weather and inflation. 'Not true! I I have seen
him travel great distances to be with friends or acquaintances who really need
him. He travelled for nearly eight months with me when I was ill.

Why do people come to him with their problems, for advice, for
help? I think it is because UG is one person who is a part of this world, but not a
party to it. He demands no rights and therefore assumes no obligations. He is
emotionally attached to nothing and to no one in this world. He is a free individual
in the truest sense of the word. if there is anybody who can help anyone in this
world, only such an individual can.

His personality is enigmatic. He can be very puzzling. He can be so

many different things at different times, from child-like innocence, to extremely
sharp wisdom; from gentle kindness to firm ruthlessness, whatever the situation
demands. The best way, and, I feel, the only way of dealing with him, is to trust
him.
The common adjective described to him - saint, sage, guru, holy
man, enlightened individual - don’t really describe him.

His own striking claim that ho is just an ordinary man', leaves one
befuddled. What then is he? I wish I knew!