BETTER SEX BETTER SEX BETTER SEX BETTER SEX BETTER SEX

HOW TO
INCREASE
YOUR
ENJOYMENT
OF SEX

for men and

their partners
“Sexual health is a state of physical, emotional,
mental and social well-being in relation to
sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease,
dysfunction or infirmity.

Sexual health requires a positive and respectful

approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as
well as the possibility of having pleasurable and
safe sexual experiences, free of coercion,
discrimination and violence.

For sexual health to be attained and maintained,

the sexual rights of all persons must be
respected, protected and fulfilled.”

Definition of sexual health, World Health Organisation

SAFER SEX
Using condoms for penetrative sex is the best way
to protect yourself and your partners from Sexually
Transmitted Infections, including HIV. Condoms also
offer good protection from unwanted pregnancy.
In the text of this booklet, we have chosen not to
refer constantly to the use of condoms. Instead, we
encourage you to make your own decisions about
protecting yourself and others in each instance of
sexual activity you undertake.

1
GENERAL SUGGESTIONS

It’s important to remember that resolving any

difficulties or dissatisfactions with sex involves:

l having sex only when you want to, and only the
kinds of sex that you want;

l meeting your own conditions for good sex (for

example having privacy, not feeling rushed or
pressured, feeling able to trust your partner);

l recognising when you are tense and learning how

to relax;

l getting the kind of stimulation you like and

focusing on this stimulation; and

l being able to enjoy having sex rather than

worrying about your performance.

The exercises in the following sections offer a starting

point for becoming more in tune with your body and
improving your enjoyment of sex.

2
EXERCISES YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN

EXERCISE a few minutes a day

KEGEL EXERCISES

One way of enhancing your sexual experience is to

strengthen the pelvic muscles that run from the pubic
bone to the base of the spine like an ‘elasticated
hammock’ underneath the pelvis. The contractions of
these muscles produce the feelings at orgasm. The
ageing process or lack of exercise can contribute to a
weakening of these muscles and men who practise
these exercises report stronger and more pleasurable
orgasms.

You can feel these muscles by contracting your anus as

though you’re trying to hold back a bowel movement,
or by stopping and starting the flow of urine when
you’re peeing. At first you might find you’re contracting
your stomach or thigh muscles as well, but with
practice you can squeeze just the pelvic muscles.

Begin by squeezing and releasing these muscles fifteen

times, a couple of times a day. You can do this without
anyone noticing, for example while driving, watching TV
or reading. Continue doing the Kegel exercises every
day, gradually increasing the number until you can do
about 50. At this point, instead of releasing the muscles

3
immediately, you can hold the contractions for a few
seconds. You can do both the long and short Kegels a
couple of times a day, or alternate between them.

Most people don’t notice results until after about a

month or six weeks, but if you practise them
consistently you will feel the difference.

EXERCISE 15 minutes
GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR BODY

Sensual or sexual pleasure results from the

interactions between physical sensations and thoughts
and feelings. Knowing how to both give pleasure to
your body and accept pleasure from it can help you get
what you want sexually with a partner or on your own.

Reserve 30 minutes for yourself and relax in a way that

you enjoy — perhaps by having a bath or by doing some
relaxation exercises. Create an atmosphere that you
find pleasing, for example using lighting, temperature
and sound. When you’re naked and comfortable, warm
some body oil or lotion in your hands and then smooth
it on your body. You could start with your arms and
hands and move down to the rest of your body. Or, if
you prefer, start with your feet and legs. Try to focus
your attention on the feel of your hands on your body.

4
Experiment with touching yourself in different ways,
and try to make your body feel good rather than turned
on. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the point
of the exercise is simply to enjoy the pleasure that your
touch on your body is giving you.

Try to practise this exercise as many times per week as

you can fit in without feeling pressured. It won’t be easy
to relax and enjoy these feelings if the exercise feels
like a chore.

EXERCISE 20 minutes
ENJOYING MORE INTIMATE TOUCH

The aim of this exercise is to discover the kinds of

touch you find most pleasurable, and to practise
focusing on the sensations you feel when you touch
yourself in these ways.

Ensure that you have complete privacy, and explore

your genitals, using a hand mirror to look at yourself
if you like. Try touching your scrotum gently, and then
run your hand up and down your penis. Explore the
sensations you like best. If you are uncircumcised, try
drawing back the foreskin very slightly and then pull it
up again to cover the head of your penis. The head
can be very sensitive. If you are circumcised, move the

5
skin covering your penis, squeezing and releasing.
Vary the pressure of your touch – try grasping
yourself firmly as well as stroking various areas of
your penis very gently. You can also vary the speed of
your movements. Some men like slow downward
movements and a rapid upwards movement, others
the other way around. Some men like the feeling of a
vibrator around their genitals and you might like to try
this too.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS

l What if my mind keeps wandering and that makes

it hard to relax and focus on the sensations?

This is natural. Just keep trying to bring your

attention back to the exercise. It’s important that
you aren’t tense, in a hurry, or very preoccupied
with something else. If you are, or if you don’t
really have enough time to do the exercise, leave it
for another time. You may be feeling nervous or
self-conscious if this is the first time you have
explored enjoying your sexuality in this way. Or
perhaps you’re putting lots of pressure on yourself
to feel turned on or to have an orgasm. Try to just
relax and enjoy the sensations and not worry about
how turned on you are.

6
 Developing fantasies in your mind can help you to
enjoy masturbation more, because it can help you
feel more turned on and also help keep your mind
focused. You might like to experiment — imagining
different scenarios with different fantasy partners
in different settings.

Give yourself permission to not judge yourself on

these fantasies. Fantasies are not facts! You can
experiment with scenarios and activities that you
may never wish to try in real life. If you find
fantasising difficult, you could experiment with
erotic writing or images to stimulate your
imagination.

NEXT STEPS

The next step involves doing some exercises with a

partner. If you’re in a relationship and have stopped
having physical contact because of sexual problems,
then it is important to re-establish that contact before
you carry on. If this applies to you and your partner,
read the section on re-estabishing physical affection
on page 18 and follow the suggestions there before
continuing with the following exercises.

7
EXERCISES YOU CAN DO WITH A PARTNER

Before starting any of these exercises, both you and

your partner should read and discuss them. Talk
about your feelings about doing the programme and
sort out any issues that are raised. It’s common for
couples to have some disagreements, but if you sort
them out as soon as they appear, you’ll get more
benefit from the programme.

These exercises are like a training programme. You

won’t need to do them forever, but how long you need
to do them depends mainly on how often you do them,
so you need to work out an agreement about frequency.
However, don’t do more than one exercise a day —
twice a week is a good starting point.

You also need to agree that neither of you will push

the other faster than they want to go. It’s important
not to rush through the programme, as this just puts
pressure on you both. The point of this is to allow
yourselves to enjoy taking things at a pace that feels
right for you, not what you think someone else
expects. It may feel a little strange to begin with,
because you’re doing things differently than before.
Only stop if you feel uncomfortable, and, if this
happens, do something else before going back to the
activity. You could agree with your partner beforehand

9
what you will do together to relax before starting
again — such as cuddling, holding hands or talking.

Don’t make these exercises the only physical contact

you have with your partner, either physically or
emotionally. Make sure you also have mutually
satisfying time, unrestricted by the programme, and
that you have ways of expressing affection physically
without needing to end up having sex.

You might want to do the exercises both ways round

so that it feels fair, or you might prefer to focus on the
partner who would benefit most from them — it’s up
to you to decide together how you use them. The
minutes given for each exercise are just suggestions.

EXERCISE 20-30 minutes

SENSUAL TOUCH WITHOUT TOUCHING GENITALS

This exercise is designed to help you feel more

comfortable being touched more intimately when you
have been feeling anxious about sex, or when you and
your partner want to get ‘reacquainted’ with each
other’s bodies to improve your sex life. Talk to each
other before you start the exercise about what you both
feel more or less comfortable with, so you can ensure
that you make the experience as positive as possible.

10
Have your partner arouse you by touching your body,
not including your genitals, using their hands, mouth,
hair or anything else — they can be as creative as they
like! Focus on the sensations and feelings you get
from different kinds of touch — these may include
feeling sexually aroused as well as other sensations,
such as ticklishness. Give feedback and suggestions,
without being critical. If you find your mind wandering,
bring it back to focusing on the sensations. Your
partner’s job is to check out with you what you like
(and don’t like) and to respond to your suggestions.

You can take it in turns to be the ‘giver’ or the

‘receiver’. Use this exercise to develop communication
between you and your partner about what touch feels
best to eachof you. Focusing on the sensations in your
genitals during these activities will keep your mind
where it belongs during sex and away from negative
thoughts and performance worries.

This exercise should not include genital touching, sex

or orgasm. It is important that both you and your
partner understand this rule and stick to it, as it helps
to take away anxiety, especially if one of you has been
finding sex difficult recently. If either you or your
partner try and bend the rules, you may undo the
progress you have made, and make it harder to trust
each other in these exercises in the future.
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POSSIBLE PROBLEMS

l Help! I feel embarrassed being naked in front of

my partner!

Try at first to do the exercise clothed or partly

clothed, then gradually aim to do the exercises
naked when you feel more comfortable. Some
couples find it relaxing to take a warm bath or a
shower together first. Talk to your partner about
your worries. It may be that they have similar
worries and together you can find a solution.

After you have practised this exercise for a couple

of weeks and feel comfortable, talk together about
your feelings about moving on to the next exercise.

“ Sex is more like dancing

than digestion.”
Dr Leonore Tiefer

12
EXERCISE 30 minutes
SENSUAL TOUCH INCLUDING GENITALS

Now you’ve explored the kinds of non-sexual touching

you both enjoy, use the same turn-taking format to
explore more intimate touch.

Get yourselves relaxed and comfortable, enjoying

touching each other without genital contact. Whoever
is the ‘giver’ first can gradually move to more intimate
exploration from the touch that they will be used to
giving by now.

Having done the previous exercise, you will have a lot

of experience of giving each other feedback about
touch that feels good and touch that feels less good.
You may have also done the exercises on your own,
and so will be more aware of the kind of touch that
you like.

Keep your attention on the sensations you feel and

what it feels like to be touched in this way. Remember
that the point of this exercise is not to produce
orgasms, but rather to learn (or re-learn) how to be
intimate and make each other feel good. If an orgasm
happens as a by-product of this, that’s fine, but do not
make it a focus.

14
Do this exercise once or twice a week for a couple
of weeks, or until you feel completely comfortable
being touched. As you and your partner become
more in tune with each other’s bodies, you should
find that your anxiety about sex decreases and your
enjoyment increases. Use what you have learned
both alone and together in conversations about
your sex life and how you would like it to develop in
the future.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS

l What if I can’t stay relaxed and enjoy the

sensations during this exercise?

It may be that you can’t get your partner to

stimulate you in ways you like, in which case you
need to talk about what’s going wrong. Perhaps
you need to go back to one of the solo exercises
and focus on finding the kinds of touch you enjoy.
If you can enjoy this touch when you’re on your
own, but not when you are with your partner, then
it could be something in your relationship that’s
getting in the way. If you want to explore this
further, you might want to contact one of the
organisations listed on page 20.

15
 You won’t always feel like you want sensual touch
or sex. If this happens, let your partner know. You
could say something like, “I guess I just don’t feel
like it today.” Then discuss what you’d both like to
do instead. They might want you to sexually
stimulate them, or you might want to talk about
what’s happening, or to go and do something else
together.

l What if one or both of us gets turned on during the

exercise, but we’ve agreed not to have sex?

Sticking to the rules is important, as it allows you

both to relax and not focus on penetration or
orgasms. Agree beforehand what to do if this
happens. For example, you could masturbate
together or separately, or you could cuddle until
these feelings subside.

Once you’re comfortable with these exercises, you

will be better able to enjoy sexual contact with
your partner and find it easier to communicate
about sex. After doing this programme, many
couples find that the sex they have is less focused
on orgasms, and that this takes the pressure off
and makes it more enjoyable, more creative and
more satisfying.

16
l What if my partner wonders why I haven’t had an
orgasm?

If it’s a regular partner, you may want to find a way

of talking to them about it, and explain that you
don’t always come, and that it isn’t their fault if
you don’t. It’s also a good idea not to apologise —
you haven’t done anything wrong and there’s
nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps tell them
what’s happening, as honestly and directly as you
can — this is respectful to both yourself and your
partner, and may help you to feel more
comfortable.

l What if I still have problems?

You might find it helpful to read other leaflets in

this series — see the list on the back cover. You
can pick them up from the leaflet racks at the
clinic, or ask a clinician for a copy. Or you could
ask your doctor about getting referred to a
psychosexual counsellor or therapist, or contact
one of the organisations listed on page 20.

17
RE-ESTABLISHING PHYSICAL AFFECTION

If you are in a relationship and have stopped having

physical contact because of sexual problems, then it
is important to re-establish that contact.

If there are any relationship issues that are getting in

the way, you may need to work these out first. If this
is something you would like further help with, there
is a list on page 20 of organisations that offer
psychosexual/relationship therapy.

You can begin to reconnect physically by holding

hands, hugging, taking baths or showers together,
doing light body-rubs, or anything else that both of
you are comfortable with. You need to feel
comfortable being physical with your partner, and
these kinds of activities are a good way to get there.

If you feel tense or anxious about the physical contact,

go back to something that feels more comfortable
until you feel okay to try the contact again.

Make sure that the conditions you need for sexual

activity are met. These may include a comfortable
environment, privacy, knowing you have sufficient time
or trusting your partner to stop if you want them to.

18
With casual partners, it can be helpful to read the
partner exercises for ideas about how to deal with any
possible problems. It’s up to you to decide whether
you want to tell your partner that you want to do an
exercise, whether you say you’d like to try such-and-
such, or whether you simply say you’d like to take
things more slowly for a bit.

During any kind of physical contact with a partner,

you should be focusing your attention on any
pleasurable sensations you feel, but also noticing
whether you’re tense or relaxed. If you’re tense, do
something to get more relaxed (take some deep
breaths, consciously relax your muscles, talk about it,
slow down the pace), even during non-sexual contact.

Try to focus on enjoying other sexual activities than

penetration. You may even find that you enjoy other
activities as much as, or more than, penetration. If
this is the case, you may want to vary the activities
you do with a partner. Not everyone has penetrative
sex all of the time, and some couples choose not to
have penetrative sex at all.

19
RECOMMENDED READING:

The New Male Sexuality: The Truth about Men, Sex

and Pleasure
Bernie Zilbergeld, Bantam Doubleday Dell

Sexual Health for Men: The ‘At your Fingertips’ Guide

Phillip Kell and Vanessa Griffiths, CLASS Publishing

Overcoming Sexual Problems: A self-help guide using

Cognitive Behavioural Techniques
Vicki Ford, Robinson

The Relate Guide to Sex In Loving Relationships

Sarah Litvinoff, Vermillion

FINDING PSYCHOSEXUAL/RELATIONSHIP THERAPY:

For further information about the services we provide,

including psychosexual therapy, STI testing and sexual
health advice, visit www.londonSTItesting.nhs.uk

British Association for Sexual and Relationship

Therapy (BASRT)
Information and lists of individual and couple
psychosexual therapists
http://www.basrt.org.uk 020 8543 2707

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health

www.sashuk.org.uk
20
PACE
Sexual health and relationship counselling for
lesbians and gay men www.pacehealth.org.uk

RELATE
Psychosexual counselling for men and women of all
sexualities www.relate.org.uk

Relationship Counselling for London

www.counselling4london.com 020 8938 2431

GMFA
Groups and workshops for men who have sex with men
www.gmfa.org.uk

This booklet has been written by the Clinical

Psychology and Psychotherapy Team and edited,
designed and illustrated by the Good Sexual Health
Team. Both are part of Camden Provider Services.

For further information about the services we

provide, visit www.londonSTItesting.nhs.uk

© Camden PCT Provider Services, October 2008

www.camdenproviderservices.nhs.uk
 BETTER SEX BETTER SEX BETTER SEX BETTER SEX BETTER SEX
OTHER TITLES AVAILABLE:

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF SEX

for women and their partners

WORRIED ABOUT STAYING HARD?

for men and their partners

ANAL PLAY
for men and for women

PROBLEMS CONTROLLING WHEN YOU COME?

for men and their partners

DIFFICULTIES WITH PENETRATION

OR PAINFUL SEX?
for women and their partners

CPSPS003