KISEKI : DEAR TO ME

Ai Di :

The fourth time. I’m an idiot.

Why should I care?

I like him so much, that I would die for him.

A fool like you, only I would look at a fool like you. Only me. Only I would l
ook at you my entire life.

I’m not playing with you anymore. Bye.

I will help you with this one… in exchange for what happened last night, al
right?

I’m afraid I’m choosing what I want to see.

Did you find yourself in love with me when I was in prison?

You better think it over. What is mine will always be mine. I won’t let any
one take it away from me.

Am I dreaming?

Why did you take the bullet for me?

Let’s make a deal, you can’t die before I die.

If you die, I’ll do crazy and do insane things.

It would be better if we could die together. That way, neither of us would b

e sad.

Chen Yi :

You said you would keep looking at me.

 I’ll find out no matter how much time it takes.

Come back with me.

What about me?

I only see you. I only answer your calls. I only trust you.

You wouldn’t react like that when I approached you before. Why?

You can’t leave unless you tell me.

What should I do to make you believe me?

I found myself in love with you after you left me.

I know it was you that night. I still remember what you said.

Were you celebrating our birthday alone?

I like you. As long as we are alive, I just want to spend my birthday with yo
u.

I’ll kill anyone who tries to take you away from me.

You were always standing in front of me. I just thought you were hot temp
ered and impulsive. I didn’t know you were trying to protect me.

Have you ever thought about that I’d go crazy if you died?

Just one second, then I’ll follow you. I can live only one second longer.
 Cursed birthday

As far as he remembers, Ai Di has never been scared of anything, or anyone.

Not his family who abandoned him, not his adoptive father slash mafia
leader, not their enemies and definitely not his boyfriend. Brave, fierce, he'll
admit that he also tends to have a cruel and violent side when it comes to his
gang activities.

It's no surprise, then, that he literally jumped that morning on a suicide

mission, without thinking of the consequences. To be fair to him, Ai Di didn't
want to be part of their gang anymore and he had done everything he could
to avoid any dangerous situation, not for his own sake, but because he didn't
want to cause trouble to his lover who just recently became one of the head
of the family.

Chen Yi, his forever soft spot. Everyone knows it, especially their rivals. So
when Ai Di received a tip from an informant, saying that someone was
planning an attack on his boyfriend, he didn't think twice before taking
actions. He would realize – a little bit too late – that said informant was
actually tricking him, knowing damn well that the little blond would do
anything to protect his lover.

That's how he ended up tied to a chair, in some kind of dark backroom with
no natural light after going, alone, to the address given by the informant.
Thinking about it now, with blood on his face and probably a few broken
ribs, Ai Di would agree that it was not the best idea.

His plan had been simple: take the guy by surprise and shoot him with his
gun. According to the informant, the enemy was supposed to be alone in the
early morning that day, which would give Ai Di a few minutes to follow him
and shoot him. He wouldn't even have to fight nor to approach him.

A simple plan which was obviously a fail, considering the situation right now.
Not only had the enemy not been alone, but he was prepared, surrounded by
10 gang teammates, ready to fight. And as brave as he is, there was very
little Ai Di could have done against an army of dangerous mafia men, armed
with guns and knifes.

So here he was, injured, blond hair tainted in red blood - probably for that
one hit that knocked him out enough so that they had time to tie him up to
that damn chair -, body hurting like crazy. But Ai Di wouldn't be Ai Di if he
was not still spitting his words in their enemies' face.
"You are going to die", "They'll find you", "I'm going to kill each one of you",
was what he had been telling them since his abduction.

And count on Ai Di to make them pay. Not only did they kidnap him, but
today was their birthday with Chen Yi, that one birthday they hadn't been
able to celebrate together for years, first because of his lover's freaking crush
on their boss, then because of his time in prison.

Today was supposed to be their first one as boyfriends, and to tell you Ai Di
was pissed that he'd miss it would be an understatement.

One would say that he put himself in this situation and that it would have
been 100% preventable if he didn't decide to play Superman against the
villains, but that's not the point, really.

++++++++++++++++++++

Chen Yi woke up to a cold bed that morning. Which was surprising because it
was supposed to be their birthday and as the clingy boyfriend he became, he
had no intention to do anything else than cuddle for hours and eat the cake
he asked Bai Zong Yi to prepare.

But instead of his tiny blond boyfriend, he found a note: "I'll be back before
you know it, love you".

Chen Yi first's thought was that his lover left early to prepare a surprise for
their special day. After all, he is the one who never stopped celebrating and
buying gifts to him, even when Chen Yi was a pain in the ass.

Pouting at the absence of Ai Di but not worrying more than he should, he

decided to get ready, shower, nice clothes and all, so that he would look and
smell the best when the colorful blond is back.

But instead of a pleasant romantic surprise, Chen Yi was faced with his worst
nightmare. It had been 2 hours since he woke up and Ai Di was still not back.

Like a lion in a cage, he had angrily called all his team to the garage. Some
tried to reassure him, telling him that Ai Di was probably just taking his time
to make their special date perfect, that he would be back soon. But in the
world they live in, there's no "coming back soon" if they can't contact the
missing person.

His guts told him that something was wrong and anyone who would try to
convince him otherwise would receive a punch in their face.
 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ai Di was injured, badly probably, that is a fact he can't deny. But even with
his whole body aching, Ai Di would not, in any circumstances, let anyone
mistreat him. Only his boyfriend was allowed to touch him, fight him, and
carry him like a bag of potatoes.

"Aren't you bored dude?", Ai Di asked. To be honest, Ai Di himself was bored.

All the guys around him were not making a move anymore, since he was tied
to a chair, far from being a threat to them.

Many questions were on his mind: What would happen next? If they wanted
to attack Chen Yi, when were they going to make him know that they had his
boyfriend? And most importantly, when Chen Yi arrives, what would Ai Di do
to make sure he can protect him?

"Shut up", answered the leader of the gang, playing with a long sharped knife
as he was sat on a chair in front of a table.

"You should level up your game dude, everyone is half sleeping right now.
What are we waiting exactly?" Ai Di was not known for his subtlety. He was
always the one getting in trouble when he was a kid, either because he talked
too much, or because he would fight anyone. Even his mafia father could
never do anything against his salty tongue.

"I said shut up", the man said once again, moving from his desk to stand
next to him.

"Shut your fucking little mouth or you'll die before you can even say goodbye
to your boyfriend". Ai Di then received one slap, two slaps, three slaps, then
a punch in the stomach. "Understood?"

The man was grinning, his hand on Ai Di's hair, pushing his head in the back
with a strong grip.

It took a few seconds to Ai Di to come to his senses, lips bleeding once

again. "You can hit me all you want, they'll find you and kill you. As for me,
I'm not scared to die", he proudly reacted, with not a hint of doubt in his
voice.

"Oh I know that", the man was smiling now, looking directly in Ai Di's eyes,
defying him. "I know your life doesn't mean shit to you, but I also know if you
aren't afraid to die, death still scares you". It was not a question. It was a
statement. One that gave shivers to Ai Di. "You would give your soul to keep
your boyfriend alive, right? And that's exactly why you came here today...
He'll come for sure, probably kill some of us, but he'll die in the end, and
you'll watch him, tied to that little chair preventing to move your little body.
And once he is dead, it'll be up to you to either follow him or not."

"Is this your villain monologue? Is it all you have?" Ai Di was trying to look
confident, still. He was trying to keep his composure, but he couldn't hide it
this time. For the first time since he put himself in this situation, he was
scared, hoping to die before Chen Yi finds him and goes feral. He told him
once, there's no way Ai Di can live without him.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"It's been 3 fucking hours! Where is he? Why can't any of you get any
information about his location!"

If people thought they'd seen Chen Yi angry in the past, today was a whole
different level. He had already broken a few glasses of water that he was
given to calm down, thrown a chair in the garage's glass, and punched the
wall once or twice.

The room was only filled with him screaming, yelling, and getting mad at
whoever dared talk to him. Which was honestly not very usual when it came
to him. Usually, Chen Yi was the calm one, getting his inspiration from his
boss father that he once used to worship. Chen Yi was not known to yell at
his guys, trying to sound as dangerous as possible by keeping a low voice to
show no weakness nor emotions.

But the gang also learned when Ai Di was in prison that Chen Yi was not very
good at keeping his feelings for himself when it came to his now lover.

Chen Yi was in the middle of another angry tirade when his phone started
ringing. Ze Rui.

"What do you have?"

"I got a call from one of the Fan informant..." Ze Rui carefully said, trying to
stay as composed as possible. "You know that rival gang you took down 3
months ago, the ones who were trying to sell drugs in our territory, they
have him"

They have him.

They. Have. Him.

They... have... him.

Chen Yi couldn't move. Unable to answer Ze Rui who was trying to get his
attention back on the phone. Chen Yi couldn't speak. They have him. Ai Di
was in danger. Was Ai Di even still alive? If Chen Yi knows one thing about
his lover, is that he isn't scared to die, unfortunately.

And everytime Ai Di talks about it, says he is ready to die for him, Chen Yi
tries shut him out. "Don't say that ever again", "Why do you think I can live
without you?", "Stop acting like a brat, we will survive together". Chen Yi's
brain was on fire. Was it a test, is it finally the moment he can prove to Ai Di
how unable to function he is without him? The world is not ready to witness
the chaos Chen Yi would start if he even sees one drop of blood on his
lover's body.

"Chen Yi !" Ze Rui was still on the line, Chen Yi realized. "Put the phone on
speaker, I need everyone to hear... Ok, done? Listen everyone, I'm going to
send you the location, get the cars ready, Chen Yi, call all your best men,
take as many weapons as possible"

As he was speaking, everyone was already getting ready, cars, weapons,

men, all waiting for Chen Yi to give them the go.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ai Di was not sure for how long he'd been trapped in this room. He was not
even sure where he was. All he knew, right now, was that breathing was
becoming harder and harder, probably because of his ribs.

What kept him away, you'll probably ask? Easy, his brain was only focus on
thinking of all the best possible ways to protect Chen Yi once he is there.

Frist, get someone to untie him or do it himself. Then, punch a few guys, run
to the table where that giant knife was put, take it, and stab that mother
fucker who wants to kill his boyfriend. Once again, simple plan in his head,
but could he really trust himself after that fail attempt a few hours ago. No,
probably not.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It didn't take the gang very long to arrive at the location. Because apparently,
their enemy of the day were dumb enough to kidnap someone in their dirty
abandoned headquarters, not far from the city.

In the car, Chen Yi had time to calm down and go back to his mafia boss
mode. Ai Di needed him fully focused. That's how he ended up giving orders
to all his men, telling them where to go, when to attack, how to walk without
being heard.

Ze Rui was already there when they arrived. He was not part of that mafia
world anymore, memories of how everything went down a few years ago still
stuck in his head.

Chen Yi and he didn't always have the best relationship. Mostly because Ze
Rui – other than all his personal traumas related to the gang – knew how hurt
Ai Di had been because of him. He spent nights in the bar, listening to the
shorter man, trying to forget his unrequited love, crying for a man that
seemed farther and farther from him. Ze Rui had always felt a strong
protective instinct towards Ai Di, because of how vulnerable he was despite
what he was trying to show to everyone else. Protective instinct that became
a brotherly bond when he learned that Ai Di went to prison not only for Chen
Yi, but also to make sure no one would kill Bai Zong Yi.

"Are you going to be all right?" Ze Rui asked Chen Yi as they were both
getting ready to enter the house. Facing the confused gaze of his friend, he
continued: "I know you became the best at what you do, but this is not your
daily mission. Before we enter, you need to make sure you are fully all right
and your feeling won't make you make any mistake" They both went silent,
before Ze Rui added: "I know how it feels"

+++++++++++++++++++

Ai Di was exhausted. Maybe that blood he remembered coming from the

back of his head was not just a small cut after all. Of course he was not
scared to die if it meant protecting Chen Yi, but he would rather not die
during their birthday, that would not be a very cute gift.

"The little one has lost his voice?" The gang leader asked, laughing while
playing with his knife. This time, the weapon was not aimed to that table but
directly pushed on Ai Di's face. His cheek, first, then his neck. "That's a pretty
choker you are wearing, did you make yourself beautiful for your last day?
Wait, I have an idea, let's remove that black ribbon from your pretty neck"

Maybe it was because of his state and injuries, but Ai Di had no strength to
fight when the man removed his choker and then started putting his hands
around his throat. No strength, either, when the grip tightened around his
neck, tears running down, for the first time of the day.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you, I just think my handprints look better
on your neck than this necklace you wear. And I've heard that your very
possessive boyfriend won't let anyone touch you, so really, it's a win win
situation for me". The man looked like a psychopath. Smiling at him, his
hands never leaving Ai Di's neck, to the point he almost fell into darkness.
But he couldn't, at least not yet. Couldn't die before he makes sure all of
them are not a threat anymore to his Chen Yi.

But unfortunately, his body was not cooperating with him anymore, and he
had no idea how he would even fight right now. His dark thoughts came to
an end when he heard noises, loud noises, coming from the house.

He tried to move, thinking it was his moment to finally get free.

He had tried to untie his hands since the moment he woke up on this chair.

Being raised by the mafia teaches you a few tricks. But his injuries had made
it almost impossible for him to move even his fingers without screaming in
pain. He decided in the early hours of his kidnapping, that he would be more
effective by taking his time, his enemies didn't seem to be in a hurry anyway.

It had been hours now, and he was still tied, although the grip had loosened
up more and more. Hearing the noises coming from outside, he made his
final move, untying his hands from the chair in a loud scream that
unfortunately didn't go unnoticed. While attempting to stand up, trying to be
fast enough to avoid any punch, a man – younger than the gang leader but
definitely bigger and stronger – managed to catch him. Ai Di, trapped in the
big man's grip, was once again unable to move. At least this time, he was not
tied but the punches he received, one after another, by the leader while the
other man was holding him, made him fall on the floor. Body shaking, beaten
up, there was nothing more Ai Di could do, than wait, either to die or for
someone to save him.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When the gang entered the house, they faced many men, all of them almost
expecting the visit, ready to fight. There was blood and shots, screams and
insults, but Chen Yi and his closest team, Ze Rui by his side, managed to
move methodically, going room after room, punching their opponents, killing
some of them.

But there was still no trace of Ai Di anywhere and Chen Yi's frustration was
becoming almost too much to handle for the people around him.

"You told me he was there ! You fucking told me he was there!" he screamed
at Ze Rui, bringing him close to his face by grabbing his shirt by the collar.
"He is, we are going to find him but you need to calm down"

"If he is dead, I swear I'm going to k...." Chen Yi was cut by a voice coming
from a room next to corridor.

"Boss! You have to come here !"

Running to follow the voice, Chen Yi and Ze Rui ended up in a small room
looking like a kitchen, Xiao Jie holding a visibly shaken guy, barely younger
than the age Ai Di had when he went to jail. But there was no time for Chen
Yi to have any sympathy for their rivals.

"Where are they", he said, punching the teenager on the stomach. Getting no
answer, he punched again. "You better tell me where they are", he said again,
fist a few inch from the young guy's face. The boy was barely holding his
tears, he was scared, very scared, obviously.

"They... I..."

Punch. Punch again. And another punch.

"St... stop... please..."

But Chen Yi was not in his right mind anymore. Every advice from Ze Rui
forgotten, he had no limits, no boundaries, nothing but hate, anger, violence.

"There's a... there's a... basement... Backdoor... please stop hitting me..."

"Use your fucking words, where are they!"

"Chen Yi..." Ze Rui, who was silent until now, decided that it was time to
intervene, knowing that the teenager in front of them would talk only if he
was given enough time to collect his thoughts. Ze Rui approach him, slowly
grabbing Chen Yi's hands that were still on the teenager, moving as if he was
in front of an enraged feline who could snap at any moment if you made the
wrong noise.

"Kid, we just need to know where your boss is hiding, we won't hit you
anymore, I promise"

After a few seconds, the teen trying to calm his sobs, told them that there
was a basement. You'd have to take the backdoor, go downstairs, walk in a
long underground corridor and the room with Ai Di should be there.

+++++++++++++++++++
There was nothing Ai Di could do anymore. His body weak, lying on the floor,
taste of blood in his mouth, all he could do was hear the noises becoming
louder and louder. Deep down, he knew it was probably Chen Yi coming to
save him.

But what was his mission in the first place: protecting him from getting
killed, was now completely impossible to succeed. He had no idea how he
was even still conscious to be honest.

Choker on the floor, shirt ripped, his ribs making his breathing sound like a
melody of death, he wondered if dying on his birthday was fate or the
twisted game of destiny.

And maybe he'll blame the pain in his body, but he started to cry, tears
covering his face at the heartbreak of not being able to say one final goodbye
to the love of his life. And he was asking himself, for the first time that day,
if he had not been selfish. Wanting to die before your lover so that you don't
suffer once he is gone and leaving him alone with his own tragedy, it didn't
sound so great anymore.

Lost in his thoughts, Ai Di didn't realize that the gang – his people – were
now in the room. Headache making it impossible to focus on them, he tried
to listen to the voices around him. This one was their enemy, this one was
Xiao Jie. Oh and this one ? Ze Rui. Ze Rui ? What was he doing here, he didn't
want to be part of all of this anymore. And if he dies, Bai Zong Yi will never
forgive him. And this one. Chen Yi.

Chen Yi.

The most beautiful sound he has ever heard. Well not really, considering his
lover was now screaming all kind of profanities to his rivals, but still perfect
in his ears.

The fight, Ai Di didn't know how long it lasted. He was not sure who survived
and who got killed. All he knew, right now, was that a delicate hand was
caressing his blooded hair. All he knew was that his small body, still on the
floor, was now held by strong arms. And this voice, from heaven, whispering
sweet words.

"Baby, you'll be fine", "Ai Di, stay with me", "Open your eyes for me please?"

And Ai Di did it. Of course he did, because there was nothing he wouldn't do
for Chen Yi. Spending years loving him in secret taught him one thing: to put
his ego in the trash. If Chen Yi wants this or that, he'll do it. He'll do anything
for him.

But opening his eyes, behind the loving eyes of his tall boyfriend, he saw a
knife, dangerously approaching his back. That knife the rival boss played
with for hours.

Ai Di doesn't know how he managed to do it, but he pushed Chen Yi away. In

a few seconds, he was on his feet, dizzy of course, from all his injuries, but
still fast enough to protect his lover. After all, that was his mission of the
day.

He smiled. Relieved. And then, everything went dark.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It took a few seconds for Chen Yi to understand what just happened. Ai Di in

his arms, injured but alive. And then, he was pushed away, Ai Di now
standing up, barely conscious, fighting with the man who tortured him all
day.

And then...

Then there was blood, more blood than previously. Fresh blood.

The man with the knife on the floor, getting hit by one straight bullet from
Ze Rui.

But Ai Di, also on the floor, a large and deep cut on his stomach. The small
man not moving, eyes closed, and blood leaving his system.

"No... no no no. Ai Di, Ai Di baby. Please Ai Di", Chen Yi was crying,

screaming, hugging his boyfriend while trying to stop the blood.

"You can't do this to me, not on our birthday, not when we are finally
together, please baby". Chen Yi was shaking, not aware of his surroundings,
not aware that his men had taken down all their enemies. But very aware of
his blond lover, dying in his arms.

"Chen Yi, we need to move, we need to go the hospital, you have to get up,
carry him to the car". That was Ze Rui. He also had tears in his eyes,
witnessing the distress of his friend and his other friend lying lifeless. It
reminded him of what happened a few years ago. And he would not let his
friends not have their happy ending.
He put his hand on Chen Yi's shoulders, telling him once again that they
didn't have much time. That Ai Di was still breathing but they needed to be
fast.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The road to the hospital was hell. Ze Rui was driving, Chen Yi on the back
with Ai Di, using his sweater to stop the blood. Xiao Jie and the other guys all
went back to the headquarters, to take care of their own injuries.

The car was dead silent, only the sobs of Chen Yi being heard by Ze Rui. The
sobs and all the sweet words Ai Di probably couldn't hear right now.

"Baby, you have to wake up, I bought us a cake. And candles..." Tears. "When
you wake up, I'll take you on vacation, we'll go wherever you want, but you
have to wake up" More tears. "I told you I will only live one second after you
die, but I want this to happen when we are old and retired, not now...
please..." Sobs "I want to see you with a ring on your finger, and my name
next to yours. You can't leave me alone. What am I going to do without you"
More sobs.

If he didn't have to focus on the road, Ze Rui would have cried, listening to
him. He had always suspected Chen Yi to also be in love with Ai Di, even
when he was still crushing on the boss. But even after his two friends starting
their romantic relationship, he never realized how deep their love was.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It took 5 hours for the doctors to come out from the operating room. 5 long
hours where Chen Yi threatened every nurses and Ze Rui apologized on his
behalf. 5 hours that felt like an eternity. 5 hours, enough time for Chen Yi to
have two panic attacks. 5 hours to know if his life would end one second
later or last a little longer.

As the doctor was approaching, Ze Rui whispered to Chen Yi: "let me talk,
don't say anything"

Ze Rui knows how hospital works, doctors won't talk to you unless you are
family. But the only family Ai Di has is them. And Ze Rui had no intention to
explain how the mafia world works.

"You are here for the young man who got stabbed right?", the doctor asked,
eyes on them both. And you can tell he was suspicious. Both Chen Yi and Ze
Rui were covered in blood, their blood, other's blood, Ai Di's blood. And they
had their own very visible injuries as well.
"Yes, Ai Di. I'm his older brother, and this is his..."

"Husband, I'm his husband", cut Chen Yi, forgetting the order he received
from his friend a few seconds ago.

"Hum...", the doctor was definitely not convinced, but maybe he was himself
too tired to care. So he continued, talking only to Ze Rui. "We were able to
save your brother's organs, the cut thankfully wasn't deep enough, but he
lost a lot of blood, other than a bad concussion and three broken ribs. He is
alive, but I can't tell you he won't have any complications in the next few
days. Those are very serious injuries, we put him in an artificial coma so that
his body can heal without him suffering. You can go see him but you need to
be prepared, the extent of his injures is very visible, it looks like he was
beaten up, more than once".

The doctor left, with one last glance at the two men, probably having a very
good idea of what the situation was about.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When Chen Yi entered the room, Ai Di was lying on the large hospital bed,
too large for his small body. The younger one looked even more frail than he
usually was. A large bandage around his blond hair, bruises on his face and
arms. The blanket was covering the rest of his body but Chen Yi could only
imagine the amount of cuts, bruises, and the large scar he'll have on the
stomach.

He sat next to him, taking his small and delicate fingers in his hand.

"Why did you do that baby", he whispered, lips now on his fingers, kissing
them softly. "You can't keep doing that"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When Ai Di woke up, he was in huge pain. So huge that the bipping machine
next to him started to make some concerning noise. Chen Yi, next to him,
couldn't do anything but look at the nurses and doctors moving around the
bed, sedating him so he could go back to sleep.

The second time he woke up, he was calmer but lost. He opened his eyes,
looked at his lover next to him, and then closed his eyes again.

The third time, he finally spoke, with a hoarse and weak voice. Weaker than
Chen Yi had ever heard it.
"Hi", he managed to say while Chen Yi was already preparing a small glass of
water for him to drink.

"Take this", Chen Yi said, putting a straw in his mouth, in a cold tone.

Something was wrong, Ai Di thought. Why was Chen Yi acting like the man he
was before they became a couple? Did he do something wrong? Had it been
long enough for his lover to fall out of love? Or was he dead and in hell,
karma hitting him for the few questionable things he did in his life? Many
thoughts, many questions, which put him in full panic mode, his eyes unable
to contain their tears. Lips trembling, body suffocating.

"Do you hate me?", Ai Di asked. And it could have been a said in a cute pout
that would usually make Chen Yi weak in his heart, but the sincerity and
angst, fear, sadness coming from this simple question made Chen Yi realized
what was happening.

"Oh baby", he said, taking his fragile lover in his arms, hugging him strongly
enough so that he could feel safe but softly enough not to hurt his body.

And maybe it was the mix of all those emotions, and because of how
exhausted he was, but Ai Di was fully sobbing, far from the confident and
sassy man he usually was. More like the vulnerable self-sacrificing young boy
very few people knew.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, baby, I love you, I'm sorry". Chen Yi was doing
everything to calm him down. It was his mistake, using his cold old self on
his injured boyfriend. Why did he even do that? Probably because behind all
the fears of the past days, he was also angry. Angry at Ai Di for putting
himself in danger and angry at himself for not protecting him.

"You are mad at me", Ai Di knew Chen Yi. He'd known him long enough to
read his mind.

"I'm not mad at you baby"

"But you are", it was not a question.

"It's just... I was so scared" And this time, it was Chen Yi's turn to cry, his big
hand covering his lover's face, his lips on his forehead. "When I found you,
you were almost dead on the floor, and then, you got stabbed, and you were
in a coma for six days baby. Six days"

"Six days", Ai Di repeated.

"And then, I look at you and you have bruises everywhere and I can't even
imagine what you went through. And I look at your neck when you usually
wear all your beautiful accessories and all I see are the red, blue, yellow
bruises from the hands of this mother fucker who touched you. No one is
allowed to touch you but me. He put his hands on you. I can't..."

"I'm sorry", Ai Di tried to say, cutting his boyfriend's ramble, because he

knew he was dangerously close to get lost in a dark place full of awful
memories.

"Baby, I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to stop putting yourself in
danger for me, or going to jail, or sacrificing your youth". Chen Yi was so
frustrated. So So frustrated. How could he make Ai Di understand his worth?
"I know you grew up thinking your life doesn't have any value, and I'm so
sorry, I will always be sorry, for making you believe that you were not my
priority and that you were not loved back then. But now I am next to you, and
your life, baby, has more value than anything else in the world. If you believe,
for one second, that I'd want to keep living in a world without you, you are
very wrong. So please, I am imploring you, please, let me be the one to
protect you"

Ai Di had always thought that he loved Chen Yi more than Chen Yi loved him,
but seeing the desperation in his eyes right now, it made him realize how
wrong he had been. Yes, he fell first, definitely, but Chen Yi fell harder.

"He wanted to kill you", Ai Di tried to explain, justifying why he decided to

take the matter into his own hands.

"And I would have survived"

"I can't lose you"

"Neither can I"

"I panicked when I learned he wanted to attack you..."

"I panicked when they told me they kidnapped you"

"I'm sorry Chen Yi"

"I love you Ai Di"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

It had been two weeks since the attack. Ai Di was back home, under the very
careful protection of his boyfriend. And careful is not even the right word.
Since he'd been back, Chen Yi had refused to leave their bedroom, other than
to make food – more like bland rice and soup because Ai Di was not allowed
yet to eat anything spicy -, to shower, and to have his daily appointments
with his team. Other than that, he'd been around Ai Di nights and days,
changing his bandages himself, helping him to clean himself without
touching the scars on his body.

And no one dared even approaching the bedroom without being allowed to
do it. Chen Yi was in a mood. Anxious for his lover for sure, but also less
patient, frustrated, probably because all his softness and care was dedicated
to his boyfriend lately, and screw anybody else honestly. Screw the rest of
the world.

Ai Di was still very tired and mostly out of it because of how highly
medicated he was. The broken ribs were probably what made him suffer the
most. Every breath was hard and it hurt Chen Yi to see his usually lively
boyfriend in this state.

When he was not sleeping, though, Ai Di was enjoying the cuddles. All they
did was mostly watching movies or TV shows. And everytime Ai Di was trying
to ask about work – mafia work -, Chen Yi pretended not to hear.

They also received the visit of Ze Rui and Bai Zong Yi.

"I never thanked you for what you did that day", said Ai Di the first time they
visited him, coming with a giant bouquet of flowers and small - not to
sugary as per the request of Chen Yi - cakes.

"There's no need, Bai Zong Yi would have killed me anyway if I let you die...
and your boyfriend, here, I think he would have killed us all, and I am not
even joking"

It's probably some weird mafia kink, but it made Ai Di's heart flutter to hear
those words.

"Still, I'm sorry for putting you in danger..."

"Stop, whatever those older guys here are saying all the time, we would have
all done the same for our loved ones", joked Bai Zong Yi. He would not let his
best friend feel bad about this, not when said best friend saved his life more
than once in prison and probably did more for all of them than anyone will
ever know.

"Ok, let's not put any more self-sacrificing ideas in his mind please", Chen Yi
interjected.
The four of them talked together for more than an hour, before Ai Di started
falling asleep. Who would have thought almost dying, losing blood and
getting stabbed would take so much time to heal.

After Ze Rui and Bai Zong Yi left, Chen Yi helped his lover in a more
comfortable position, surrounded by a sea of cushions – gifted by none other
than Xiao Jie.

"It's ok baby, you can sleep", he said, lying next to his boyfriend, gently
caressing his hair, delicately kissing his ears, cheeks, and neck as if he
wanted to erase ever memory of what that man did to him and the marks on
his beautiful skin.

Eyes closed, Ai Di said with a tiny voice: "I think we should get a new
birthday, this one is cursed"

Chen Yi couldn't help but laugh. It's true that they had been rather unlucky
the past almost 10 years with their birthday.

"And I think we should make a new promise, not just to survive together, but
to grow older together", Ai Di continued, more and more asleep, voice almost
inaudible.

"You'll make a beautiful grandpa Ai Di baby"

"Only beautiful when you are next to me."

 Finding Love in a Rock Hard Place
Chen Yi's livid. It takes him a whole day to get to the truth: Ai Di's not
missing; Ai Di's drugged. At ten in the evening, he finally gets the hotel
keycard from Bai Zong Yi, whose distress is palpable.

"Please. Help him."

Anyone else and Chen Yi would have ripped them a new one for being slow
in coming forward, but this is Zong Yi. Chen Yi owes him and always will.
With a tight nod, he opens the door.

The room is dark and smells like sex. Chen Yi locates Ai Di immediately. It's
hard not to. Ai Di's small form is curled up in the middle of the bed and he's
moaning, loud, little choked up noises that sound like cries, like he's
gnashing his teeth trying not to cry.

"What the- get out!" Ai Di flips the cover over himself as if it wasn't obvious
what he was doing, with hands stroking that fast, with the air smelling like it
does.

"Ai Di," Chen Yi tries. Ever since he got out of prison, Ai Di's been avoiding
him. Now more than ever, Chen Yi gets it. He gets why Ai Di wouldn't want to
see him, but he has to do something. There must be something he can do to
help.

"Why did you do it? I told them it was impossible. Both of your parents OD'ed.
If there's anything you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, it's drugs. Why'd
you do it?" The scolding just comes out. Chen Yi can't help it. The scoldings,
he'd realized while Ai Di was doing time on his behalf, were born out of love.

Ai Di laughs, mirthless. "Was I not loud enough for you earlier? Get the fuck
out, Chen Yi!" And he looks mad, exhausted, scared, his whole face flushed,
his hair tousled like he's been rolling around all day and all last night--

"Ai Di," Chen Yi continues with more urgency. "I know you didn't do this. Who
the hell did this to you? What else did-" and his jaw clenches with the
thought of it. Just the thought of it revolts him.

"What, and let you go through this instead?" Ai Di mumbles almost to

himself.

Chen Yi stops dead, stops taking the baby steps he's been taking towards Ai
Di like he's approaching wild life. "What did you say?"
"Please see yourself out, Mr. Chen Yi, sir." Ai Di snarks at him.

"Stop fucking around, Ai Di!"

A laugh bubbles out of him, hysterical. Ai Di laughs and laughs, wiping away
a tear. "Yeah, kinda can't. That's what the drug does. The afro- abro-, ah
fuck it. You know what I mean."

"Aphrodisiac."

Ai Di sighs and flops on his back.

Before Ai Di can tell him to get out again, Chen Yi crosses the room in two
large strides and sits down beside him, a hand over Ai Di's hair, gentle, and a
hand over Ai Di's stomach, less so. "Don't, Ai Di. Don't run away again. Don't
tell me to go away. You saved me again and you weren't even going to tell
me. You look like you're dying. You need food and water and-" sex. But
that's not quite right. "-me."

Ai Di breathes and stares at him and breathes and looks away.

"Ai Di," Chen Yi strokes the hand that was petting Ai Di's hair down gently
over Ai Di's cheek. "Ai Di, let me. Let me prove to you I'm serious. I want you
alive and well. I want you with me for as long as we survive. I want you, Ai
Di. You're the one I-"

Ai Di turns to him, a blond ball of fury, and kisses him quiet.

Chen Yi says it into their kiss anyway, "-love."

Ai Di nips him and with altogether too many hands, they peel away Chen Yi's
upper layers. He has on many, so many. But finally, it's just them again,
honest skin against honest skin. Chen Yi kisses as much of it as possible.
Last time- last time he didn't get to.

He didn't get to kiss Ai Di everywhere like he wanted to.

Ai Di's throat works as Chen Yi laces their hands together, as he slinks down
Ai Di's body with no pretenses. They both know what Ai Di needs right now.
Chen Yi kisses his way down to the juncture between thigh and groin, traces
the hollow there where it smells intensely Ai Di.

How has he not noticed before how good Ai Di smells? Chen Yi puts a
bookmark on it. He'll come back to this thought later. For now, there's the
strain in Ai Di's cock, obvious, a bit red from all the handling. He smoothes
over it with his tongue, soft lips, just wanting to sooth.
Until Ai Di moans above him, a genuine sound, and arches up for more.

Chen Yi takes him fully into his mouth then, learning the weight and shape of
him, the twitch of him. Ai Di, Chen Yi, thinks fondly. He likes this. His fingers
are almost crushing around Chen Yi's, squeezing when he likes a particular
lick or suck. Backseat driving. Backseat fucking? Anyway, Ai Di's loud even
when he's not saying anything at all.

"Chen- Chen Yi!" Ai Di grabs at his hair and tries to pry him off. "Gonna
come."

"Then come," Chen Yi says, or tries to with a full mouth.

Ai Di pulls, none too gentle, and Chen Yi finds he likes this too. Ai Di treating
him like he used to (full of trust). Ai Di needing him (full of thrust). Ai Di
falling into an orgasm because of him. Chen Yi likes all of it.

He fetches a towel and cleans Ai Di up after. He ducks out to the vending

machine and gets water and snacks as Ai Di rests. But what he gets back to is
an Ai Di full of woe.

"What's wrong?"

Ai Di flips back the covers so he can see.

Oh. Ai Di's hard again, straining against nothing.

"Drink this," Chen Yi hands him a bottle. "And eat this," Chen Yi feeds him
the Snickers bar. "I'll get you real food soon."

Ai Di inhales both and licks at a spot of chocolate at the edge of his lips.
"After you fuck me?"

Chen Yi's breath catches. It's not like they haven't before, but that time was
all wrong. And this time won't be quite right either. Still, Chen Yi won't let Ai
Di cheapen this, what they have. "I'm not a one-night stand, Ai Di. I don't
intend to be."

"Well-"

Well, it's technically already their second night. Chen Yi knows and Chen Yi
doesn't want to hear it. He kisses him, even with the chocolate still in his
mouth. God, he must really love him. Chen Yi kisses him and kisses him,
until all the sweet's gone and it's just Ai Di again, kissing him back despite it
all, arms looping around him, holding him.
"How to tell a boy you love him" -- Chen Yi has googled it. And then shut the
laptop in frustration. Those people haven't met Ai Di. Clearly.

Ai Di doesn't believe him however sincerely he says it. However much alone
time he tries to carve out for the two of them. Ai Di flees. Or Ai Di invites the
whole damn team behind his back. Like last night, when he sat all the
way across from Chen Yi. When he somehow still managed to piss him off by
stealing his drink and then leaving, disappearing without a trace.

Chen Yi stops mid-kiss. Oh. But Boss poured him that drink. What the hell.

Ai Di opens his eyes and the look in them is clearer now, less frantic than
before. Still, those are some serious bedroom eyes. Chen Yi can only hope
some of it is real, any of it.

He cups Ai Di's face and resumes the kissing. He kisses all the way down Ai
Di's neck, sucking as he goes. There's a lot that's blurry about their first
night together, but Chen Yi remembers the important part, how right it felt
when their bodies moved as one, how hot and tight.

Chen Yi slicks up his hand and touches a tentative finger to Ai Di's entrance.
He didn't do this last time. Ai Di somehow opened himself up for him.

"Do you need me to teach you?" Ai Di throws over his back when Chen Yi's
taken too long to just circle around him, careful.

"Will you?"

Ai Di gawks at him.

"Show me what you like, Ai Di. I'll do it the way you like."

Ai Di hides his face in the pillow and groans. But he does turn back and take
Chen Yi's hand in his. "You can start with two fingers today. Usually one but
today's- I needed you inside me like five hours ago."

Chen Yi sinks his fingers in as Ai Di guides him and he's stuck. His whole
heart is stuck here on the word "you." Not I needed someone inside me hours
ago, but I needed you. Ai Di's body too, is sucking him in, inexorably.

"Fuck, I forgot your fingers are so much bigger than mine, fuck."

"Does it hurt?" Chen Yi tries to retreat but Ai Di's having none of it.

"Just give me a second. Don't go."

Chen Yi's heart clenches. "I won't. I won't ever go."

Ai Di makes a small pitiful noise and Chen Yi wishes they were in a position
to kiss. He leans down anyway and kisses the back of Ai Di's hand, the bend
of his wrist, sucks a digit into his mouth just because he could.

Ai Di urges his fingers in deeper and Chen Yi follows his guide, watching in
fascination as Ai Di opens up around him. And then they hit the prostate --
Chen Yi did his research -- and Ai Di squeezes around him, perfect, and
Chen Yi's so turned on just watching Ai Di come apart.

"More," Ai Di grits out.

"As much as you want. Whatever you want, Ai Di, I want to give it to you."

Ai Di huffs and turns around to stare at him. "You don't know what you're
saying. You'll never get rid of me, do you understand? What's mine's mine
always."

Mine. Chen Yi doesn't think he's ever heard a better word. "Good," He smiles
into the word. "Same. I'd kill anyone who tries to take you too." He arches
forward and kisses Ai Di because he needs to.

Ai Di kisses him back and then Ai Di's groaning because their movements
have jostled Chen Yi's fingers in even more, filling Ai Di up fuller.

"You, fuck, Chen Yi, I need you in me now." Ai Di pounces on him,

maneuvering them so he's sitting in Chen Yi's lap.

They make short work of removing Chen Yi's pants. They're a team after all,
movements coordinated since before puberty. But puberty -- it's been good
to them.

Ai Di's got muscles now, got a tongue that drives Chen Yi to the brink. Got
hands that map out Chen Yi's desire for him, getting him even harder than he
was a second ago. Most of all, Ai Di's got eyes that love him now, honest and
raw as he sinks down (and down and down) on him.

Chen Yi tips forward, leans his forehead against Ai Di's shoulder because
fuck, that's good. That's leagues better than he remembers. He hoists Ai Di
up and angles them better for a faster pace.

Ai Di holds him tight, monkey arms wrapped around him like he'd never let
go. And Chen Yi's flushed with affection. "'s good?" He kisses Ai Di's
shoulder.
Ai Di nods against him, rubbing his cock between their bellies. Chen Yi tips
them over, putting Ai Di on his back as he fucks into him with more ease
from here, as he gets Ai Di to lick his hand for him before taking Ai Di's cock,
stroking him in time with the rolls of his hips.

Ai Di comes in pretty, hair splayed out golden on the pillow, lips red and
wide open, face flushed. Laid completely bare he is.

Chen Yi follows him easily, collapsing on top of him in a right mess.

They stay like that, Chen Yi almost tucked under Ai Di's chin. They stay like
that for a while, until Chen Yi's aware of Ai Di petting his back, warm hands
drawing aimless patterns over and over. Until Chen Yi wakes up a little more,
tracks the movement a little closer. Ai Di's tracing the English word "mine" on
him, over and over.

"Yours," Chen Yi holds him tighter. "Are you feeling any better? Is it-?"

They both look down and-

"Oh fucking finally!" Ai Di punches the air.

Chen Yi laughs and then Chen Yi's laugh peters out because he's reminded of
what got them here in the first place. "How did you know boss put something
in my drink?"

Ai Di's hands still. "What the what?"

"Ai Di."

Ai Di sighs. "I told you. I'm always looking at you. I didn't want to risk losing
you like I lost them."

Ai Di didn't have to specify the 'them'. Chen Yi squeezes his hand. "If I'd
known what you were doing, I would have taken the drink from you. I don't
want to lose you either. I already lost you for four whole years and change. I
don't want to spend another day apart from you."

Ai Di pushes lightly at him. "What's this? A proposal? Aren't you supposed to

feed me first?" Right on cue, his stomach growls.

Chen Yi thinks about the matching dog tag he's gotten for Ai Di sitting snug
in its case at home. "What do you want to eat?" He gets up and grabs the
menu. "You pick."
Ai Di gives him one intense look, which almost sets them off again. But then
his stomach growls again and he takes the menu from Chen Yi. "Don't regret
it now. I might order everything."

"Whatever you want." Chen Yi doesn't even have to think about it. This is Ai
Di they're talking about. He'd give him the whole world, his life, anything, any
day.
 Ties That Bind (and that's a promise)
After the shock of Chen Yi’s confession wears off, Ai Di finds that he actually
quite enjoyed being tied up during that brief moment, left to Chen Yi’s
mercy.

That is the grand revelation Ai Di has, as he lies in bed with Chen Yi

spooning him the next morning, after the truly phenomenal lovemaking they
shared the night before.

The rope that Chen Yi used is still hanging on the bedframe, discarded and
forgotten once Chen Yi had untied him and Ai Di accepted his feelings. A
shame that it had only served its use for such a short while. Ai Di sits up -
wincing a little as the movement brings attention to sore muscles and the
stickiness left on his skin - to touch it, feeling the roughness of the rope
between his fingers, the source of the rope burns currently adorning his
wrists, relishing in his memory of the struggle. Yeah, he’s definitely not
opposed to the idea of being tied up again.

“Sh’t up, you’re thinking too loud,” Chen Yi grumbles suddenly. Ai Di looks
down, smirking; Chen Yi cracks an eye open to glare at him, which only
makes Ai Di grin wider. It was surprising to discover that Chen Yi isn’t a
morning person, since he’s used to seeing Chen Yi up and about early in the
mornings, while he was the one who tended to sleep in. So it turns out that
Chen Yi was just freakishly responsible, not rising naturally with the sun; go
figure.

"But, baobei," Ai Di employs the endearment in the most annoying tone he

can muster, because he is and never will be a petnames person, "I'm pretty
sure you'll be very interested in what I'm thinking about right now."

Chen Yi rolls over onto his back, throwing an arm over his eyes to block the
morning sunlight. His lips are twitched into a grimace - thankfully, they both
share the same sentiment about petnames. "Never call me that ever again,
Di." He mutters. Then he lifts his arm slightly, peeking at Ai Di. "...What are
you thinking about?"

Nicknames, however, is a new thing that Ai Di is completely on board with.

He grins. "I'm thinking about us going another round. With me tied up this
time." He shakes the rope hanging on the bedframe for emphasis.

There's a silence as Chen Yi considers this, eyes tracking from the rope
slowly up to Ai Di's face. Then he rolls back over, pressing his face into Ai
Di's side and curling around him again. "Not now." He mutters. "Maybe later.
S' too early."

The disappointment he feels is short lived when Ai Di shifts under the covers,
and feels something hard press against his thigh. He smirks. “Chen Yi, you’re
a fucking liar, you know that?”

Cover blown, Chen Yi props himself up on his elbow, looking disgruntled.

"You're fucking insane if you think I won't be interested, but, Di -" he reaches
out to touch Ai Di's wrist, rubbing gently at the rope burns there. "Are you
sure? I wasn't exactly gentle with you yesterday. The last thing I want is to
hurt you again."

Ai Di scoffs sarcastically, even as his heart warms at Chen Yi's care. "Come
on, the two of us have had far worse than rope burn. Did you forget I've been
to prison? I'm not some fucking wilting flower. Tie me to the bed and fuck
me, Chen Yi, don't you wanna see me trussed up and helpless, don't you
wanna make me your whore and fu-"

The goading does the trick as his words are cut off by Chen Yi slotting his
mouth against Ai Di's hungrily, kissing him hard enough that Ai Di thinks his
lips might bruise. When he pulls back, his pupils are blown wide, evidence of
his arousal flushed and erect right in front of Ai Di's eyes.

"Hah." Ai Di crows. "Always knew you were kinky as fuck."

Despite his arousal, Chen Yi spares him an admonishing look. It's somehow
still unfairly hot, in Ai Di's opinion. "You started it, you better be prepared to
follow through."

Ai Di spreads his hands, grinning. It's almost surreal how much smiling he's
done around Chen Yi since last night. "I'm still here, still not tied up."

That was all the invitation Chen Yi needed. Chen Yi grabs his phone and
texts Xiao Jie a quick message: You're in charge today. Then he tosses the
phone onto the floor and climbs on top of Ai Di, straddling him. "You're
sure?" He asks, checking for the last time if Ai Di is truly okay with this.

In response, Ai Di reaches up, drags him down into another long, deep kiss.
"Fuck yeah, I'm sure."

Ai Di has been with a number of men over the years - usually of the tall, dark
and brooding variety, but he's always been the one on top. He's never let
anyone restrain him like this. Never given up his control so thoroughly like
how he's giving in to Chen Yi now, letting the taller male press his willing
wrists against the bedframe and looping the rope around them.

Chen Yi has always been the exception - or more accurately, Chen Yi has
always been the only one.

When Chen Yi is done, Ai Di gives an experimental tug; the rope holds well,
binding him tightly to the bedframe. He's truly at Chen Yi's mercy now. His
dick jumps in excitement - Ai Di's already getting hard, just from this.

But Chen Yi doesn't do anything yet. Instead, he sits back, still straddling Ai
Di, regarding him with a complicated expression.

"Earth to Chen Yi. Less staring, more fucking." Ai Di says, kicking at him a
little.

"Sorry. It's just… Do we need to set out some rules before this?" Chen Yi's
face colours. Compared to the predatory expression he had on earlier, he
looks comically embarrassed now. "I know there's usually a… safeword, or
something, for these things."

Ai Di stares. It might be foolish of him to think this way, but Ai Di truly

believes that Chen Yi couldn't hurt him, at least not intentionally. "We don't
need a safeword." Ai Di spreads his legs wide, revels in the way Chen Yi's
gaze darkens when he zeroes in on Ai Di's erect dick. "Do your worst. I can
take it." I trust you.

When Chen Yi still hesitates, Ai Di lifts a leg, and presses it into Chen Yi's
thigh, close to the base of his dick.

That finally seems to break whatever control Chen Yi had over himself. Ai Di
barely has time to shout in surprise before Chen Yi is on top of him, kissing
him with dizzying force, pressing their bodies together despite the icky
feeling of dried sweat and cum on their skin from the night before. Chen Yi
bites down, hard, on Ai Di's collarbone, then leaves an open-mouthed kiss in
its place before moving on to repeat the action on other areas of Ai Di's
body.

"Fuck," Ai Di hisses, squirming uselessly in place. He's finally starting to feel

what being in his unique position entails; whilst Chen Yi's tongue trails fire
all over his body, Ai Di is helpless to do anything but see and feel everything
that Chen Yi is doing to him.

It's fucking hot.

“Just so we’re - hhh - on the same page, we’re - ngggh - counting last night
as our first time together, right?” Ai Di pants, while Chen Yi mouths at his
neck. Ai Di is playing a game with himself - how long can he sound
unaffected before Chen Yi breaks him completely.

He isn't expecting Chen Yi to pull back to meet his eyes, frowning slightly.
The loss of contact leaves Ai Di feeling a little unmoored. “Why?”

“Are you kidding?” Ai Di sputters, pulling against the rope and feeling no
give; his hips buck involuntarily, searching for the friction he's lost. “Do you
even remember half of what happened that night?”

Despite the visible hard-on Chen Yi currently has, he actually seems to think
through his answer carefully before he shrugs, uncaring. “It doesn’t really
matter to me. My first time was with you; whether it happened last night or
four years ago, all I care about is that it was you.” He punctuates that
sentiment with a chaste kiss to the centre of Ai Di’s chest.

Another thing Ai Di has learned since last night - Chen Yi is romantic, and Ai
Di is terrible at feelings. It’s why he scoffs, instead of cries, even as Chen Yi
starts kissing softly down his middle. “You were seriously still a virgin at 21
years old? Didn’t you ever wanna get laid?”

“I was saving myself.” Comes the short reply. The subsequent kiss is a little
more bruising, which tells Ai Di he's hit a nerve.

“Saving yourself for..?” The jab is perhaps a little too fresh, a little too raw so
soon after they’ve just resolved eight years of repressed feelings and
misunderstanding, but Ai Di isn’t Ai Di if he’s not trying to push Chen Yi's
limits as far as he can.

“You sure talk a lot for someone who can’t move. Do you think it's wise to
provoke me right now, Ai Di?” Chen Yi growls, forcing one of Ai Di's legs up
and over his shoulder then crawling forward. The next drag of lips down his
stomach is slow, sensual, and painfully torturous because there's nothing Ai
Di can do but lie there and take it, which is obviously the point Chen Yi's
making.

But while Chen Yi has only recently learned how to push Ai Di's buttons, Ai Di
has pushed Chen Yi's almost his entire life. "Yeah? You think you're so
intimidating? You don't scare me, good boy." Ai Di retorts, a little breathless,
entirely and intentionally contrary.
The look that Chen Yi gives him when he suddenly sits back up is, for lack of
a better word, dangerous. He withdraws his hands from Ai Di's body with a
finality that does not bode well for Ai Di at all. His gaze narrows, looking Ai
Di up and down consideringly. Ai Di swallows, Chen Yi's gaze heating him up
from the inside - his choker suddenly feels uncomfortably tight against his
throat.

"Since you say I'm that much of a good boy…" Chen Yi slides his hand down
Ai Di's thigh, squeezing roughly as he does so, before slapping just on the
side of uncomfortably hard against his ass. The sound - and the sting -
sends a flash of heat through Ai Di's body. "Then maybe I should impart
some of that discipline to you."

And perhaps Ai Di should have thought twice about intentionally provoking

Chen Yi when he's quite literally bound and served to him on a silver platter,
but all Ai Di can think in that moment is fucking finally, when he lifts an
eyebrow in challenge and answers "give it your best shot, Yi ge."

Chen Yi's eyes flash, before he sinks down to press his lips back to Ai Di's
body. But, this time - he keeps one of Ai Di's legs hooked over his shoulder,
the other pinned to the bed by Chen Yi's arm, as he kisses and bites the
inside of Ai Di's thighs, langorously slow.

And oh, oh, Ai Di has underestimated how well Chen Yi knows which buttons
to push, because the one thing Ai Di cannot stand is being denied
satisfaction - and while Chen Yi had been more than happy to give into his
pleasure last night, that's certainly not the case now as he licks and bites
spark after spark of electricity into Ai Di's skin, not quite enough to fulfil the
heat that builds in his groin with each press of Chen Yi's tongue. Ai Di
thrashes against his restraints, bedframe creaking. When he meets Chen Yi's
eyes, the taller male smirks, and places a kiss to the innermost part of Ai Di's
thigh, closest to but not yet touching his balls.

It's nearly enough to make him scream. But Ai Di isn't going to give Chen Yi
that satisfaction, not yet. Sex with Chen Yi, as Ai Di is quickly learning, is a
lot like their interactions in their day to day life - both of them pushing and
pushing, neither willing to give in until one of them snaps. As caring of a
lover as Chen Yi can be, he is also entirely capable of torturing Ai Di until he
begs for mercy.

Too bad it's a lesson that Ai Di decided to bring upon himself. "Hey. Chen Yi.
Are you actually planning on doing anything?" Ai Di says, trying to sound
irritated but hating the way his voice comes out a little thin anyway. "At the
rate this is going, it'll take the whole morning before you manage to make
me come even once."

It's a blatant lie and they both know it. Ai Di's already leaking, even if the red
flush across his chest hadn't already given him away.

"That's the plan anyway." Chen Yi skates his fingernails up Ai Di's stomach,
scratches lightly across Ai Di's nipple, and Ai Di's entire body jerks at the
sensation. "It's a lesson in patience, since you think I'm such a shining
example. And we have the whole day to make it stick." The statement is
accompanied by Chen Yi gently blowing at Ai Di's dick, the cool air sending a
shiver straight down Ai Di's spine.

Fuck. This backfired on him spectacularly, but Ai Di can't say he's

disappointed. Not when he has the pleasure of Chen Yi's full attention,
hungry gaze fixated on him and him alone.

Chen Yi moves up, focusing his attention on Ai Di's jaw and neck, one hand
braced beside Ai Di's head while the other grips his hip, once again
preventing him from bucking upwards to find the friction that Chen Yi is
intentionally denying him. It's a special brand of torture; Chen Yi's languid
kisses and teasing fingers uniquely focused on driving him to the edge of
insanity.

"Is this what it's going to be like, every time?" Chen Yi murmurs as his lips
roam over Ai Di's ear, to his chin. "Are you always going to be this difficult?"

"You like it." Ai Di says, feeling wrecked, drowning in the depths of Chen Yi's
attention, the touches that push him closer to the edge but never over. "You
like me."

"Yeah, I do." There's no hesitation to Chen Yi's answer.

When Chen Yi's lips find the sensitive spot under his ear and suck, Ai Di turns
his head into the meat of his bicep, biting down to stifle the way he cries out
at the sensation.

"Don't do that." Chen Yi's hand is instantly on his chin, turning his face
upwards. "Look at me. I want to hear you, Ai Di."

"You're not gonna hear shit if you don't fucking touch me properly," Ai Di
snarks, desperate, trying to kick again, but he's held down by Chen Yi's body
weight on his legs.
"Mm. Patience, Di." Chen Yi hooks a finger under Ai Di's choker, digs his
thumb into the soft hollow of his throat while nipping hard at Ai Di's jawline.
The sensation is so good that Ai Di nearly sobs.

"Fuck, fuck you," Ai Di gasps, "You want me to beg you to touch my cock? Is
that it? Is that how you're going to discipline me, Yi ge?"

"Don't forget you're the one that asked for this." Chen Yi reminds him, in
between kissing at Ai Di's neck. The bastard's enjoying this, Ai Di can tell,
enjoying the way he's slowly breaking down Ai Di's resolve with every tease
of his fingers, taking all the time in the world to torture him to an early
death. "It'll be good for you to learn to wait once in a while, baobei."

Ai Di's going to kill him. When he's released from his restraints, Ai Di is
going to kill -

Whatever thoughts he has screeches to a halt when he feels two of Chen Yi's
fingers entering him. Ai Di keens, straining wildly against the rope - the rope
burns that's left behind later will be spectacular, he knows - not sure if he's
trying to move away or ram himself further onto Chen Yi's fingers.

"Shh." Chen Yi stills, and Ai Di unintentionally clenches around his fingers,

afraid that he'll remove them and leave him empty and unfulfilled again. "If
you want me to continue, you'll have to promise not to move, Di."

"You fucking asshole -" Chen Yi raises an eyebrow, roughly shoves his
fingers a little deeper in to remind Ai Di just whose asshole is being fucked -
Ai Di nearly chokes on a scream, ropes chafing into his skin as he jerks
against them, and his resolve not to beg crumbles away quickly from there.

"Fine!" Ai Di cries, unable to stand the feeling of having Chen Yi's fingers in
his ass but not moving any longer. "I'll do whatever you want, just - just
fucking touch me already, Chen Yi, please." He pleads brokenly, already
panting from the stimulation. It's ridiculous how hard he is already when
Chen Yi hasn't touched his dick even once, turned on and overwhelmed from
his teasing alone. Pleasure ebbs and flows in waves, radiating out from where
Chen Yi has his fingers buried half-inside Ai Di's ass and going straight to
his groin.

"Good boy." Grinning, Chen Yi slides in closer to hook Ai Di's other leg over
his shoulder as well. Like this, the leverage allows Chen Yi to bend Ai Di a
little off the bed, and easier access for Chen Yi to work his fingers all the way
in, quickly making way for a third. Ai Di literally can't move in this position,
with his legs lifted and hands tied, and all he can do is to clutch the
bedframe for dear life, gasping and sobbing as Chen Yi thoroughly fucks him
with his fingers.

"Chen Yi -" Ai Di can't even recognise his own voice, wrecked as it was -
"Chen Yi, touch my cock, I promise I won't move, please, Chen Yi please -"

He's cut off by his own scream when Chen Yi pushes all three fingers back in
a little too fast, the friction more pleasure than pain, before slowly drawing
circles inside of him, lightly brushing against his prostrate with every
rotation. It starts a tingling feeling in his extremities that slowly grows
overwhelming, and Ai Di moans so loud that even if their subordinates didn't
know what they were doing in Chen Yi's room before, they definitely do now.

"Sounds - sound so good, Di," Chen Yi's breathing hard - not from exertion,
but from how turned on he is, equally overwhelmed. He turns his head and
sinks his teeth into the meat of Ai Di's thigh, sloppily leaving a hickey in their
place. "Bet you could come untouched, just from this."

Ai Di's pretty sure he could too, from the way tension is cresting in his groin,
his dick so hard that it feels like every drop of blood in his body has
gathered in that one organ. But he doesn't want to come untouched, not
after having been teased for so long.

"No, I don't want - Just touch me, please!" He begs, writhing wildly against
the rope as pressure builds with every slide of Chen Yi's fingers. He's so, so
close, after feeling like he's been kept on edge for hours, but he still doesn't
want to come without having been touched there even once. He clenches
tightly around Chen Yi's fingers, holding his climax back by sheer force of
will. Chen Yi hisses through his teeth.

"Okay." Chen Yi breathes out, circling Ai Di's prostrate one more time - Ai Di
chokes out a whimper, he's so unbearably close - before withdrawing his
hand. "Okay. You've been so good, Di." He curls himself over Ai Di's body,
dropping to crash their lips together in a messy, desperate kiss, and at the
same time his hard cock presses against Ai Di's, finally providing that sweet
friction that has been denied to him the entire time while Chen Yi shoves a
hand between them, wrapping it around their cocks -

Ai Di doesn't stand a chance. He comes hard on a sob, his orgasm all but
forcefully ripped out of him, wave after wave of pleasure completely
engulfing his senses, reducing everything to white noise and the sound of
blood rushing in his ears. Ai Di clamps his legs tight around Chen Yi's
shoulders as he arches off the bed, crying Chen Yi's name. The relief of his
climax shudders through him and paints his voice high and needy, a pleasure
so great that for a moment, he thinks he might actually die from it.

When he finally comes back to himself, it's to Chen Yi's breath hot against his
stomach, the other lapping at the cum streaked across his body. Chen Yi
looks up to meet his gaze when Ai Di makes a strangled noise, a sharp grin
stretching across his features. He doesn't break eye contact when his tongue
licks a long, slow stripe up Ai Di's stomach, bringing it back into his mouth
to taste.

"Kinky bastard." Ai Di scoffs, although his words come out sounding winded.

"Glad to see you can form words that aren't my name again." Chen Yi returns,
smirking a little at Ai Di's blush as he sits up, Ai Di's legs sliding off his
shoulders. Now that he's more aware, Ai Di notices that while his own dick is
already softening, Chen Yi is still hard, still pressed against Ai Di's thigh
while Chen Yi uncaps a bottle of lube and starts to slick himself up. How he
hasn't come yet after all of that, Ai Di has no idea.

"Not gonna last much longer," Chen Yi mutters in response to Ai Di's

unasked question, breathing picking up as he curls over Ai Di once again,
one hand braced against his hip as he lines himself up. Ai Di closes his eyes
in eager anticipation, wanting to be filled with Chen Yi again.

He opens them in surprise when Chen Yi doesn't move, only to find Chen Yi
regarding him carefully, the fire in his eyes replaced by hesitant concern.
"Why'd you stop?" Ai Di asks, confused.

"Do you still want to continue?" Chen Yi asks, even though it looks as if it's
taking him visible effort not to do anything else. "It's just - you looked
overwhelmed there, for a moment. We don't have to continue if you don't
want to, Di."

Ai Di thinks his heart might burst, for this soft hearted, awkward,
loving fool of a man. Chen Yi's eyes are heavy lidded, dark with arousal, yet
he's still looking at Ai Di with a softness that should be reserved for much
more delicate moments than this.

In response, Ai Di lifts himself slightly, meets the wet tip of Chen Yi's cock
with the curve of his ass. It sends a shudder through Chen Yi's entire body,
and he exhales loudly, fingers spasming against Ai Di's hip as his control
fights against himself. "Ai Di…" Chen Yi groans, tension tight in every line of
his body.
"I meant what I said before." Ai Di reminds him. He hooks his legs around
Chen Yi's middle, drawing him closer until his cock is flush against his ass.
Chen Yi's eyes go dark with desire. "I can take it."

Ai Di can tell that when Chen Yi pushes in, he's still going slow, being more
careful than he has to. So, when Chen Yi leans down to kiss him, Ai Di bites
down hard on his lip the same way he did so many years ago, wraps his legs
tighter around Chen Yi and, since his hands are still tied, uses whatever little
leverage he has to push, sinking Chen Yi all the way in in a single go. Chen Yi
makes a choked off sound and pulls back quickly, breathing coming in harsh
pants as he stares down at Ai Di in surprise.

Ai Di grins, mocking, tasting a little of Chen Yi's blood on his lip. "This is
barely anything I can't handle yet. After all that bravado, you still can't
measure up to the other men I've been with, Yi ge?"

It was really too easy to rile Chen Yi up, Ai Di thinks, especially when he
knows now that Chen Yi’s constant hovering translated to a deep
seated possessiveness over him. Chen Yi crashes their mouths together in a
collision of bloody lips and teeth, messy and uncoordinated even as he starts
to move steadily. He kisses until Ai Di is a little breathless from it; he's sure
he looks thoroughly debauched by now, tied to the bed still covered in his
own cum while Chen Yi fucks him.

"Do other men get to have you like this? I don't believe that." Chen Yi growls,
placing one hand onto Ai Di's neck, just below his choker. His palm
burns hot against Ai Di's skin; "Look at you, collared up for me, tying
yourself up for me, asking me to teach you to be a good boy."

Ai Di's dick twitches, and Chen Yi's grin turns sharp as a knife. "Oh,
you liked that. Should have figured that out when you asked me to tie you
up." He follows this with a slap to Ai Di's ass.

Spent and exhausted as he is, two can play at this game, Ai Di thinks.

"All talk and no play… makes Chen Yi a dull boy." He snarks back, and Chen
Yi's eyes flash.

He slams back into Ai Di so quickly that they both moan in unison; despite
the copious amount of lube Chen Yi used, the friction is a little too much, a
little too rough, but he thinks that's how they both like it. Ai Di grins, feral
and a little bloody, and is met with a matching smile from the man on top of
him.
Chen Yi's movements are becoming more erratic - not long now, Ai Di
knows, if the way Chen Yi's breaths are coming in short, shuddery moans
weren't indication enough. Insistent fingers caress his neck, tug at his hair,
forcing him to look up; “Say it's for me, Ai Di.” Chen Yi demands, staring so
intensely into Ai Di's eyes that he feels he could drown in those depths. “Only
me.”

And that's all Chen Yi has to do, really - he only ever has to look at Ai Di with
that gaze, so all-consuming that it swallows Ai Di whole, and Ai Di would do
anything he wanted. Chen Yi could ask for the sun, and Ai Di would run into
its flames to get it for him.

“No one is allowed to have me like this. It's only for you.” Ai Di breathes,
reverent.

There was never anyone else.

Chen Yi spills into Ai Di with a guttural moan. He rocks unevenly against Ai

Di’s ass as he rides out his pleasure, fingernails digging little pinpricks of
pain into Ai Di's back.

A few minutes pass with Chen Yi curled over him, panting harshly, before he
pulls away and shakily climbs off him. Ai Di winces a little as Chen Yi slips
free, feeling a mixture of lube and cum leave a warm trail down his ass.

But less than a second later he feels the rope around his wrists fall away and
he's hauled into a warm embrace. Soft kisses pepper the side of his face,
then Chen Yi gently lifts one of Ai Di’s wrists to inspect the myriad of
abrasions burned into his skin.

“I hurt you again,” Chen Yi says unhappily, lips downturned. He looks so

much like a kicked puppy that Ai Di snorts, smacking him lightly in the
shoulder before sitting up further to distract him with a kiss.

“Shut the fuck up, it was great.” Ai Di says. “10 out of 10 would do it again.”

“It wasn't too much?”

“You're asking me that after tying me up, fucking me raw and giving me
possibly the best orgasm of my life?”

Chen Yi colours deeply, even as he looks subtly smug at the compliment.

“Was it really the best?”
“You are one jealous bastard.” Ai Di scoffs in answer, even though he's
grinning as he says it.

“I want to be the only one you remember. All those other men you've been
with before - I don't want you to even think about them, when you're with
me.” Chen Yi says, dark and serious.

The statement sends a delicious shiver down his spine. “Possessive, Yi ge.
You want me not to think about my exes? Keep this up and maybe I'll do
that.” Ai Di grins sharply and chucks the rope at him. He's answered by Chen
Yi kissing him long and hard, crushing him tightly against his chest as he
does so.

“I'll keep you leashed to this bed forever if I have to. Anyone who dares to
touch you - I'll kill them.” Chen Yi sounds as serious as he's ever heard him.
Ai Di thinks it's the most romantic thing he's ever heard. He's so
fucking gone for this man that it's honestly ridiculous, and he wouldn't
change it for the world.

Smiling, he tilts his head up to kiss Chen Yi again, enjoying the slide of lips
against his, skin against skin, inhales deeply when Chen Yi's head dips lower
to mouth along his collarbone - then wrinkles his nose. “Oh, gross. Let's
shower first, we fucking stink.” Besides the smell of sweat and sex clinging to
their bodies, Ai Di has had enough of the feeling of cum drying on his skin,
especially when he hasn't even washed off last night's. He slides off the bed -
stumbling a little as his sore muscles refuse to work - grabs a towel, and
makes his way painfully towards the adjoining bathroom.

When he turns around, it's to find Chen Yi watching him from the bed, eyes
clearly fixated on his ass.

“Enjoying the show, boss?”

Chen Yi's eyes trail appreciatively over his body, making no effort to be
subtle as his gaze tracks slowly from Ai Di's ass to his eyes. Despite the fact
that he's standing buck naked in front of him, Ai Di gets the feeling that
Chen Yi is undressing him in his mind. Chen Yi's voice is husky when he
answers. “More than you know. Feel free to keep walking.”

Ai Di rolls his eyes and continues his slow trek to the bathroom, fully aware
of Chen Yi's eyes following him the entire time. When he reaches the
bathroom door, he turns, and raises an eyebrow.

“Are you just gonna keep looking, or are you joining me?”
There wasn't much to be said after that. Chen Yi grins and crosses the room
in three long strides, grabs Ai Di around the waist and tugs him into the
bathroom, then closes the door behind them with a definitive slam.

Bonus story:

"Yi ge says I'm in charge today," Xiao Jie says, reading off the text that Chen
Yi sent him, although the message read more like Xiao Jie, you're
inchagrebtoday.

"That's new. Chen Yi's never skipped a day of work." Kai shrugs. "But I guess
the rules are different, now that Ai Di ge's back."

"They have a lot to catch up on," Xiao Jie agrees. He's glad the two are
together again, watching Chen Yi pine over the last 4 years had been
downright painful to watch. "I'm sure they'll spend the entire day talking
about everything they've missed the last 4 years."

The other men in the room with him snicker. “Oh yeah, they'll talk, all right.”
Ma Han snorts. Xiao Jie doesn't understand what's so funny.

A cry sounds from the direction of Chen Yi's room. "Chen Yi!"

"Or, maybe they're fighting already?"

"Chen Yi, please -"

"If they are, it sounds like Yi ge's winning." Xing Hua remarks, smirking.

Then a long, loud moan floats down the corridor leading out of Chen Yi's
room and, Xiao Jie swears, echoes around the common area.

They all exchange looks.

Xiao Jie doesn't just run; he sprints to get out of the room as quickly as he
can, and finds the nearest bar in hopes that he can get drunk enough to
forget whatever he just heard.
 You Only Feel It When It's Lost
Whenever Chen Yi pictures Ai Di, he still remembers his cheeks flushed with
firelight, his messy dark hair raked back, and his eyes fanned closed.

He would always make a big show out of bowing his head over his clasped
hands and making a wish, and then he would inevitably pop one sly eye open
to check that Chen Yi was following his lead.

“Come on, man,” he would say. “A shitty life like ours? We gotta take every
wish we can get.”

“It’s not all shitty,” Chen Yi would say. And then he would wrangle Ai Di
under his arm and smear frosting all over his annoying little face.

It had taken a long time for them to be so cavalier with food, and with each
other.

They’d barely let their guards down for long enough to celebrate their first
birthday together. In amongst the upheaval of their strange new life, the
richness of cupcakes and candles felt like a cruel trick. Chen Dong Yang
didn’t know how to be a caretaker, let alone a parent, and scraping their
birthdays together into a one-and-done affair seemed to be as much warmth
as he could muster. The Yiyun alliance didn’t have daycares, or nannies, or
fathers, or mothers.

In those days Ai Di’s fist was usually clenched tight in Chen Yi’s sleeve, his
dark, serious eyes peering solemnly out from his baby face. They were
orphans, adopted into a danger that they might one day inherit, and they
could not afford to misbehave.

So they bowed and thanked the gathered family, and then, mechanically, ate
what had been offered to them. It was only when they were back in their
room that Ai Di produced a lighter and half-burned candle that he’d stolen
from the party, and his clumsy kid fingers fought with the spark until it
caught.

“Okay, now make your wish, Ge,” he had whispered in the darkness, and
Chen Yi had smiled.

“Why didn’t you make one before?”

Ai Di made an exaggerated pffft sound, like maybe he’d heard it done on TV.
“With everyone watching? No. I’m not a baby.”
“You look like one to me,” Chen Yi prodded, and Ai Di rose to the bait
instantly, waving the candle under Chen Yi’s nose close enough to singe,
purposefully jabbing his bony elbows into the tender flesh of his thighs. At
seven years old, he was already very precise about hurting people. It was a
good thing he was so tiny.

“Shut up,” he said, incensed. “You’re barely that much older than me. Shut
up.”

Chen Yi plucked the candle from his hand and then hip checked him across
the bed. Ai Di yelped and grabbed the duvet cover on his way to the ground.

“You’re a bully,” Ai Di hissed, when his ruffled head popped up from the far
side of the mattress.

“You’re the violent one,” Chen Yi told him. “You’re just too easy to throw
around.”

“I’m just a kid.”

“You just said—“

Ai Di swiped at his face, manually pinching Chen Yi’s lips closed before he
shook free from his grip, sputtering. The candle flickered in the struggle, and
a bead of wax went flying somewhere into the blackness of their bedroom.

“Enough,” he said. “Make your wish.”

“You first,” Ai Di prompted. He was starting to gnaw his own sleeve: a self-
soothing habit that softened Chen Yi’s heart whenever he noticed it.

“Okay,” he agreed, after a beat. He cradled the tiny orange flame, and his
heart panged unexpectedly. “Should I wish for our families to—come back?”
he asked quietly.

Ai Di scoffed. “Don’t waste your wish on that. They’re dead, and they can’t
come back.” He said it so matter-of-factly, like Chen Yi couldn’t see how the
candle wobbled in his fist.

“I know. I thought maybe you’d want to pretend.” Other kids their age played
pretend, he knew.

A skeptical look. “What’s the point of that?”

“What’s the point of wishing in the first place?”

“It’s not about believing crazy stuff’ll come true, dummy. Only little kids
think that. It’s about asking for what you want, so maybe someone gives it to
you.”

Chen Yi looked at him hard. Surprised as always by how little Ai Di resembled

a child in anything but appearance.

“I want my own room,” Chen Yi said finally. “And I want to go on a mission.”

A job, the Boss called it. Chen Yi didn’t know exactly what ‘jobs’ consisted
of, except that they happened after all the boring meetings were finished,
and that they were dangerous and important.

Ai Di swallowed this wish silently, and extended the candle in Chen Yi’s
direction. He blew it out, momentarily plunging them both into darkness.
And then Ai Di was flicking the lighter again, easier this time, and relighting
the nearly-gone wax stump.

“I wish that we would always share a birthday,” Ai Di said. He must have had
his wish cued up the whole time they’d been shoving this flame back and
forth between them. “I like having a holiday that’s about you and me. We
should be celebrated for a change. We’re awesome.”

Something stirred in Chen Yi’s chest. Sometimes he could tell, even at ten
years old, that whatever he said to Ai Di in some moments really mattered.
That he was setting the tone for the rest of his life, like a parent would.

“Well that’s not a wish,” Chen Yi said confidently. “That’s gonna happen.”

Ai Di’s face, lined so slightly in dancing warm light, curled in pleased

surprise.

“Do you promise?”

Chen Yi offered his pinky, and Ai Di hooked it readily in his own. “I promise.
Who else is there, huh? It’s always gonna be you and me, as long as we’re
alive.”

And for the next seven years, it was.

They were sworn brothers. Chen Yi took his promise seriously, even when Ai
Di increasingly flouted the rules and put himself in danger, like he was trying
to die young and bow out of their agreement by default.
They learned to fight together, learned to take each other’s punches long
before anyone else’s. Somehow, Ai Di became a scrapper, a pit viper,
growing naturally into his bad attitude. He was vicious, ill-tempered, and
exceptionally tough, and Chen Yi trusted him implicitly with his back.

It didn’t feel like leaving his life in a kid’s hands, even when he was sixteen,
and Ai Di was a gaunt thirteen-year-old with bloody knuckles. His voice was
only just breaking, and he probably weighed about as much as a german
shepherd. But everything was different with Ai Di; logic didn’t apply to him.

He was someone who had been scarred so young that he healed a little
crooked. They had that in common, although they dealt with it in opposite
ways: Chen Yi became reserved and solemn, pouring his rage into progress;
Ai Di became loud, unserious, and ruled by impulse.

But he was also curious, passionate, a quick study, and a bleeding heart,
although he tried hard to hide those soft, secret parts of himself.

Also, somewhere along the way, he had become a menace.

Chen Yi doesn’t know where to draw the line with him, because, well, he’s
not his real brother. He has no say in what he wears, how much he smokes,
or who he kisses.

It is bizarre though, when Ai Di comes home blond. And then pierced. And
then collared. He’s finding himself. It’s almost sort of cute, his burgeoning
little gangster persona.

Meanwhile, Chen Yi garners more and more responsibility as he creeps

towards eighteen. He’s had a clear mission for a long time: impress the Boss,
take charge of his own branch of the family, and climb out of the sinkhole he
was born in. It’s his only path, the only way out, the only way through. And
for fuck’s sake, he’s not leaving Ai Di behind. Even when he’s being a
shithead and getting in the way. He’s Chen Yi’s responsibility first.

He just doesn’t understand him anymore.

It’s terrifying, sometimes, being his protector. If nothing else because he

seems to have started resenting the way Chen Yi cares for him. It’s painful.
He often thinks of his small pinky in his own.

Chen Yi is half in love with the job, with good, clean crime, with the network
that pulses around him like family, with the Boss, their saviour, their
caretaker, their reason.
And Ai Di is more into—backhanding people for looking at him wrong,
spending his allowance on jewellery and weapons, partying at the bar with a
crowd that doesn’t know how young he is, drinking himself to the brink of
death on a Wednesday afternoon. Burying himself in a personality so
perfectly neon that no one ever squints past the glare and sees his picked
pinky, his wet eyes.

He’s fun, of course, in a terrible way, and he teases Chen Yi like he always
does. He also holds him accountable, pursues information like a dog, and
scraps like one too. He couldn’t do any of this without him.

And they’re still best friends, even though their last birthday had ended with
Ai Di deep in his cups, crossfaded on booze and weed at the tender age of
fourteen. Chen Yi had crept away to whisper on the phone to the Boss out on
their balcony, and at one point he’d looked up through the glass and locked
onto Ai Di’s dark eyes. Not passed out after all. For a bizarre moment he
hadn’t been able to break eye contact or respond to Boss, who was still
needling about their next meeting, sweet in his ear.

Ai Di is just—once you started, it was very hard to look away from him.

He’s candy-striped and bubbly like a science project is bubbly, like

something’s about to erupt.

About forty percent of Chen Yi’s brain power is always devoted to him. Where
is he? Is he safe? Is he hurting? Does he need to be saved? Stopped? When
Chen Yi finds him, scoops him out of danger, will he be met with his
favourite toothy grin, the old crowing laughter, or will he be met with scorn,
a cruel joke, a brush-off so complete that it compels Chen Yi to drop him?
He’s obsessed with finding out. No—he has to find out, because he has to
intervene if things go south.

It doesn’t matter what Ai Di thinks of him, not like it does with Boss. He
doesn’t need Ai Di’s approval, he needs him alive.

But still.

He keeps at least one man on Ai Di’s detail at all times, just in case. He’s a
wild card, and Chen Yi is too busy to be keeping a constant eye on him like
he used to.

One night Xiao Jie calls him and sheepishly warns him that Ai Di is being
pursued, and he doesn’t elaborate.
Panic spikes in his stomach. Pursued how? By whom? He’s already grabbing
his keys. He was supposed to be setting up a meeting with a supplier, but it
can wait. Everything can wait. His mind is already clouding with images of Ai
Di being chased through the street, Ai Di tied up, bloody, someone else
touching him—

He races to the bar where Ai Di spends all his time lately, fingers ticking
against the steering wheel, windshield wipers working overtime in a sudden
downpour. He double-parks haphazardly at the entrance, throwing open the
driver’s side door and nodding decisively at the bouncer on his way inside.

The air is smoky, liquor-soaked, and humid with body heat. People are
swaying and grinding under the coloured lights, pealing with laughter, some
of them doing shots or lines, some of them hooking up. He hates that this is
where Ai Di spends all his time.

He spins and searches, doing a quick and dirty perimeter, and it is with a
huge and terrible jolt that he realizes one of the couples tangled together on
a couch in the back corner is Ai Di and some—guy.

He blinks at the picture Ai Di makes, kissing someone.

He hadn’t known he was gay. He hadn’t thought about it at all actually. He—
he—

Ai Di’s mouth is bitten red when he gasps away from this stranger’s lips, and
his bleached hair is being grabbed like a leash, and there are fingers hooking
in the ring of his choker, at the hollow of his throat, and Chen Yi is so
fucking—so livid he can’t breathe.

He’s upon them in an instant, and he wastes a moment feeling gratified that
Ai Di’s hazy eyes snap up to meet him immediately. His arms are lazy around
the guy’s neck, his acid green cardigan pushed off halfway, pooling around
his elbows.

Chen Yi hoists him out from under the stranger, and gathers him close by his
hot, bare waist, where his shirt has been rucked up. The touch is like a static
shock. He looks down at the guy who’s rolled over to look at them,
shellshocked, wiping his mouth.

“What the hell, man?”

“Don’t fucking touch him,” Chen Yi hears himself say. His lips feel bloodless.
He’s barely holding himself back from strangling the life out of this guy, who
has a nose ring, and a hard-on, and is probably like nineteen.
“Can I help you?” Ai Di is saying, raspy, twisting in his grip. “I’m busy.”

“Shut up,” Chen Yi says calmly. He’s still looking at the stranger. “Did you
hear what I said?”

His eyes dart nervously between them. “Sure. Whatever. Didn’t know he was
taken.”

The implication is insane; his stomach swoops. He ignores it.

“He is not,” Ai Di snaps. “Excuse my brother, he’s a killjoy. What, you can’t
get laid, so no one can?” he taunts.

Chen Yi has had enough of this conversation. He drags Ai Di out of the bar,
and very studiously does not think about how he’s flushed and ruffled and
unbalanced in the circle of his arms. They duck into the rain, music
throbbing behind them, and instantly get doused in the monsoon. It should
break whatever bizarre, furious spell he’s under, but it doesn’t. When they
get to the car, he wedges Ai Di into the backseat.

“Stay.”

“I’m not your dog.”

“I know that. Dogs are obedient.”

“Fuck you. You’re never around, and when you do decide to show up, it’s to
cockblock me? Some friend you are.”

Chen Yi slams the door so he doesn’t think about the word cockblock in Ai
Di’s mouth.

He throws himself behind the steering wheel, glancing up into the rearview
and catching the tail end of Ai Di palming himself through his jeans.

He looks away quickly, but the damage is done. He flushes with

embarrassment, hot up to his ears.

It’s—they’re teenagers. It’s not weird. What was weird was Ai Di’s choice of
hook-up. He didn’t like the age gap, the slimy look of his hands around his
neck.

“You’re—“ he starts, but his voice is a wreck. He tries again. “You’re too
young for him.”
“Oh, please,” Ai Di says. He can’t look at him again. “I wasn’t gonna let him
fuck me. I was bored, and he had a tongue piercing. Got it?” He says this last
part in English.

No, actually. He gets very little right now.

“Guys like that take advantage of guys like you.”

Ai Di is dangerously silent. He risks another glance in the rearview mirror and

notices that his white graphic t-shirt is translucent from the rain. He looks
away again, mind carefully blank.

“And what kind of guy am I?” Ai Di asks lowly. It’s one of those moments,
where Chen Yi feels like his answer really, really matters. Like it’ll make a
difference. Except he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say, can’t even
make a guess. He’s so keyed up and angry, still.

“I don’t know—pretty. Or—smaller than him.”

It’s a miserably wrong thing to say. He can feel ice spreading between them.

“Because you seem to have sustained some sort of brain damage, I’ll remind
you,” Ai Di says, at length. “I can take care of my self. I know I’m ever
so pretty, but I still have functional fucking hands.” He surges forward and
yanks Chen Yi back by the hair. “And I’ll beat you to death with them, if you
even think about treating me like some clueless little twink.”

He releases him with a shove, and snaps the side door open, sliding out into
the storm before he can even register what’s happening.

It’s a long, heart-pounding minute before Chen Yi realizes, with a jolt, that
he’s hard.

Something happens in his head after that, an elaborate all-systems shut-

down. He doesn’t acknowledge it.

When he’s drunk, and he does let himself think about it, possible reasonings
for his flash-in-the-pan arousal are numerous. He’d been adrenaline-
twisted. He’s young, and he’d just been doused in the sexual debauchery of
a nightclub with no real rules. He’d conflated protectiveness with
possessiveness. He’d been thinking about someone else.

After all, he’s already knee-deep in his own sexual awakening. A heady
shiver of power and approval pulses through him just like lust whenever Boss
calls him, only him, when he holds him back and talks low and close into
Chen Yi’s ear.

He loves him—Chen Dong Yang, king of their universe, arbiter of desires and
maker of rules. He’s always going to be in charge of Chen Yi, and his whole
constellation of feelings.

But of course he is still, as always, set on keeping Ai Di safe. That’s not really
a variable that can change.

The sound of light footsteps trailing behind Chen Yi, keen eyes on the side of
his face, are some of the only constants in his life. His little shadow. They
know each other in a way that would be impossible to manufacture with
someone else, because their link was forged in fire and blood, a matching
brand on both of them. Of course he feels something—extra towards him.

He knows Ai Di’s little fidgets when he’s trying to pretend not to care, his
precise weight in his arms, the look when he's about to bolt. And Ai Di knows
Chen Yi in return, his tastes, his weaknesses. He even knows about Chen Yi’s
crush on the Boss, clocked it from minute one, and became relentless about
pointing it out, questioning it, cheapening it.

Boss’s approval is all that matters to Chen Yi in the world, and isn’t that
love?

What he has with Ai Di—lived-in compatibility, scolding worry, the absolute

knowledge that they would die for each other, their habit of sharing loaded
eye contact when the chips are down—that’s a consequence of surviving
together for so long.

It’s not attraction. Because he knows that he wants Boss. Because love is
something that you have to earn, fundamentally. And with Ai Di it’s not
earned, it’s just there. They’re family.

He’s aware that Ai Di is some people’s type. Many people, actually, as the
following years will confirm, again and again, when he finds Ai Di in
someone’s lap, or ogled by some pervy older brother from a connected
family, or passed out in a strange bed, bruised from chin to collarbone.

He feels something about it. (Murderous.)

It’s another thing he has to worry about, mostly. Ai Di is too liberal with his
feelings, with his body. He projects rage and delight, invites violence and
attracts desire and doesn’t seem to care which he gets.
Chen Yi throws himself into work.

Increasingly, Boss tells him exactly what he needs to hear, while Ai Di only
ever spits venom his way, drags his most vulnerable feelings out like roadkill
for everyone to look at. The choice is simple.

Ai Di refuses to come to their birthday dinner at the compound, Chen Yi’s

eighteenth birthday, which stings, but he understands that relationships
evolve. They’re not kids anymore. It’s okay, because Boss even sings for him,
pours him a double whiskey, and clinks glasses like they’re equals.

(Ai Di’s young, candlelit face smiles softly at him from his memory when he
lies down to sleep that night.)

Sometimes, Chen Yi will hear word on the wind of Ai Di causing trouble, and
he’ll surface from the intoxicating world that the Boss is threading him into
like a needle. It’s hard to extricate himself from his duties these days. It’s
hard to keep watching Ai Di disappearing out the door, clearly trying to leave
their friendship behind.

He’s changing into someone who uses violence as a crutch, someone who’s
grieving something invisible without Chen Yi’s help. Vengeance and loss
ache in his eyes. Sometimes Chen Yi looks at his turned back, and his ears
roar and he thinks, look at me. Look at only me. I know you. Come back to
me.

Fan Ze Rui arrives then, handsome and shrewd and annoyingly good-hearted
despite the challenging rival family he comes from.

Ai Di likes him. It pisses Chen Yi off (even though he likes him as well. He’s
hard not to like).

He keeps finding them laughing and scheming and eating together.

Rui cooks for him. Ai Di drapes himself all over him when he’s drunk,
grabbing at his hand and tucking his head beneath Rui's chin.

They spend another birthday apart, and when he comes back to the garage
after midnight, he finds Rui rubbing Ai Di’s back as he throws up in the
kitchen sink.

There’s a red velvet cake on the counter next to the fridge, with at least two
pieces missing. Sixteen. Nineteen.

He’s yanked Rui back by the collar before he’s aware of what he’s doing.
“I’ll take over.” He makes himself say it calmly.

“No need,” Rui says, waving him off. “I got him like this, so I can take
responsibility.” He ruffles Ai Di’s messy hair fondly. “You know I didn’t know
until tonight that he was only sixteen? The alliance sure is taking ‘em young
these days.”

Everything about this rubs Chen Yi the wrong way for some reason. Ai Di’s
head is lolling out of the sink onto his outstretched arm. He’s craned over
the counter, face flushed, hair damp.

“Now you know. Leave. Please.”

Rui examines him for a bruising moment, annoyingly perceptive.

“You’re really protective of him, huh?”

“He’s my responsibility.” It’s a well-worn phrase, broken-in like soft leather.

“Well yeah. And you love him.”

Chen Yi shoots him a perturbed look, unsure of what he’s getting at, and
goes to Ai Di.

“If I pick you up are you going to puke?” he murmurs. Ai Di’s face screws up,
kind of sweetly, half-asleep.

“No. I’m fine. Normal,” he says, garbled. Chen Yi bites on a smile as he ropes
him up against his chest.

“He cares about you a lot too, you know,” Rui says from behind him.

“Don’t,” Ai Di moans.

“I know,” Chen Yi says, confused. “We’ve known each other our whole lives.”

He moves towards the doorway with Ai Di squirming against him, and it feels
so right, caring for him. He misses what they used to have so terribly
sometimes, never more than when Ai Di is pressed against him like this.

“Be careful with him,” Rui warns, and Chen Yi has had enough, actually.

He rounds on him. “Don’t tell me how to take care of my—“ he flounders for
a moment. Why does the word brother feel wrong—not enough? “Of what’s
mine,” he finishes, awkwardly.
Rui raises his hands and physically backs off, probably sensing the depth of
the hot water he’s in.

“Okay, got it. You know I’m just trying to look out for you both. Happy
birthday, anyways.”

Chen Yi nods just once, and decides to stop caring about Rui for the rest of
the night, as a treat. He clutches his best friend to his chest as he crosses the
garage floor, nudging the red door to their apartments open with his foot. He
creeps into Ai Di’s room, messy and dimly lit with the amber salt lamp on his
bedside table.

He lays him down carefully in his rumpled bed, and watches as he twists onto
his stomach, nuzzling the side of his face into a pillow, and the discarded
hoodie that’s half-draped over it. Chen Yi’s hoodie, he realizes. His heart
clenches painfully around a shard of some old, acute feeling.

“Get out of my room,” Ai Di slurs.

Chen Yi sits down next to him and cards a hand through his tangled hair.
“And let you aspirate and die? No.”

He groans. “Why d’you always think I’m gonna die?”

“You’re the most reckless person I know.”

Ai Di sighs. “What an honour. You’re the dumbest person I know.”

“I carried you to bed and you’re still insulting me?”

“You like when I insult you. Makes you feel alive.”

Chen Yi hums and doesn’t deny it. Ai Di opens one eye, and in the orange
glow from the salt lamp, he looks like that seven-year-old with a wish.

And then he turns onto his back, shirt twisting, waistband slipping down one
angular hipbone, and he does not look seven years old at all.

Chen Yi’s hand darts out and pulls his pants up to a more respectable level.
Then, as if in a trance, he undoes the drawstring on his sweatpants so he can
retie it properly. But before he gets that far, Ai Di has grabbed his wrist in his
sweaty hand.

“What,” he says, looking suddenly dead sober, “are you doing?”

Chen Yi swallows a weird flare of panic down and pushes against his
sternum, knocking him back flat. He makes quick work of the drawstring,
looping it into a bow, focusing hard on not touching anything else.

“Making sure you don’t flash me. You’d kill me in the morning.”

Ai Di’s eyes are fathoms deep, and gold in the yolky lamplight.

“Why are you so… obsessed with my modesty?” he asks. And Chen Yi—
doesn’t have an answer. “I don’t care if you see my junk.”

“I do,” Chen Yi says automatically. He jumps when he feels Ai Di’s hand fist in
his shirt.

“Why? Afraid the Boss’ll get jealous?” he whispers. So fucking disrespectful all
the time.

“Can we not talk about that for one night?” he snaps.

Ai Di pauses, and Chen Yi can see the signs of his mind whirring, trying to
find something clever or off-putting to say. “One night, huh?” His hand goes
flat against Chen Yi’s chest and slides up, a hot streak of friction. “And what
should we do with our one night?”

“Shut up,” Chen Yi says, hearing the way his own voice has gone thin. “You’re
drunk.”

“Ding ding ding, good job, you noticed something. Now c’mere.” He pulls at
the back of Chen Yi’s neck as if to drag him further into bed and he—oh god,
he panics, and breaks free from his grip, stumbling halfway across the
bedroom.

Ai Di stares at him, and then he laughs crassly. “I really repulse you, don’t I?”

“You’re drunk,” Chen Yi reiterates.

“Yeah, well. I had a shit birthday.”

Chen Yi thinks of Ze Rui with malice. “You should’ve come out to

headquarters for drinks.”

“I really, really shouldn’t have,” Ai Di says. And then he splays backwards,

sort of pathetically uncoordinated, dragging loose blankets over his head.
“Get out of my room,” he says again.

“Ai Di,” he starts.

“Your very first wish was for your own room, remember? You already wanted
to get away from me. So go.”

“What?” His head is spinning. That’s not—that’s not right. He’s never wanted
to get away from him, not unless he was pushed first. Why does nothing ever
feel easy anymore. It’s like there’s something between them that he keeps
tripping over.

“Don’t worry about it,” he murmurs. “Tomorrow everything’ll be business as

usual. I’ll even crack some skulls for you, big bro.”

“I—okay.” He doesn’t know what else to say. Except, “happy birthday, Ai Di.”

The lump of Ai Di’s body beneath the covers doesn’t stir.

“We survived for another year,” Chen Yi tries.

“Yeah,” Ai Di says, finally. “We survived.”

Again, he finds himself with his arms full, and a pain in his chest that he
doesn’t understand. They’re freshly eighteen and twenty-one, and he’s been
chasing Ai Di down through the whole goddamn city after their argument
outside the bar, only to find him getting fucked up with Rui again.

Rui, who has taken it upon himself to keep disappearing into the bed of a
seventeen-year-old, as if that’s a normal thing to do in the middle of the
war-zone Zhang Teng is making. Everything’s so messy lately. It’s all he can
do to A) finagle a plan out of nothing, so Boss will see that he doesn’t need
supervision, and B) keep Ai Di at arm’s length, so he can’t be volatile in the
wrong place at the wrong time.

Rui is not helping. He’s especially not helping right now, having one of those
cryptic, unsolicited conversations with Chen Yi where he looks meaningfully
at Ai Di and says things like “love and worship are different. Think it
through.”

What’s to think through? He tells Rui in no uncertain terms that he’s

deflecting. Zong Yi is behind him looking painfully young but somehow
standing his ground, and Chen Yi can tell that there’s already trust there,
that they’re circling each other in a way that is inevitable.

He holds Ai Di to his chest and thinks about the vicious things they said
earlier, and behind those almost involuntary spasms of cruelty, the glint of
true hurt in Ai Di’s expression at being mistrusted, at being out of the loop,
at being Chen Yi’s second choice.

As if Chen Yi doesn’t come running to him every single time he needs him.
As if he’s not here, cradling Ai Di’s head as he carries him down the stairs.
As if he doesn’t love him so much that it’s a liability.

He buckles him into the passenger seat, and looks lingeringly down at his
unguarded face. When Ai Di isn’t snapping, wriggling into his thoughts,
tormenting him for information, leaping to violence, he is, unvarnished, Chen
Yi’s favourite person.

When he finds him dead drunk like this his bravado is all cleaned away, and
he’s just the person that Chen Yi is sworn to protect. His constant. And he—
feels good, hoisted into Chen Yi’s arms. Warm and safe. He should always be
in Chen Yi’s arms; he can keep an eye on him that way.

“Don’t make me worry,” he scolds. He can’t stand it. Nothing feels more raw
and painful than losing track of Ai Di in the wide, dangerous city. Losing him
for good is the only thing that he’s not sure he would come back from.

He drives home, and thinks it through. He thinks about Boss, and he thinks
about how much Ai Di hates him thinking about Boss.

He goes to his tried and true fantasy of Boss seeing the good work he’s
done, praising him, and rewarding him with plying kisses and a hand down
his pants.

His mind offers him Ai Di’s mouth instead, his bitten bottom lip, obscene,
pink. He thinks of his small hands, the way his fingers might look trying to
circle his cock.

His heart pounds. It’s so fucked up, but he finds a wave of heat rising in him,
filling his chest like bathwater.

Helpfully, Ai Di makes a sound in his sleep, a small hitching sigh, and the
bathwater gets into his head, his veins, his nervous system, and he can’t. He
can’t. He can’t.

He has to stop thinking it through. Fuck Rui for doing this to him. Fuck Ai Di
for having this grip on him that he can’t even try and shake. His jaws are
locked in him like some kind of emotional crocodile. He’s being death-rolled.

He drives them home, carries Ai Di to bed, and tells himself that getting in
after him is bad, and wrong.
He’s eighteen now, his brain whispers, as if that means something.

He’s my brother. He’s my brother. He repeats it until he falls asleep, and then
he dreams about that time that he untied Ai Di’s pants, only this time, he
slides his hands inside.

He’s at the end of his rope.

Ai Di defies him, runs ahead and nearly gets people killed, and then he can
be so fucking sweet with Rui, with the Boss, deferent, attentive, warm.

And—oh yeah—the Boss is lovingly preparing food for Ming Lei, and Rui is
looking at the hot pot like Zong Yi himself is about to rise out of it, and Chen
Yi is done. He’s done.

No one’s looking at him, so he gets wasted, just in case that helps. It

doesn’t. He gets attention, but it’s indulgent at best and pitying at worst. The
Boss puts his hand on Ming Lei’s hand, briefly, as he stands up to go to bed,
and tells Rui and Ai Di to take good care of Chen Yi. The dismissal is…
obvious.

He lets his friends drag him home, chattering busily over him like he’s not
there. He takes a page from Ai Di’s rulebook and pretends to be asleep. He
deserves to be alone forever, Ai Di says. Then, I would die with him. Then, if
you want to stay alive, don’t be one of us.

It’s confusing, how Ai Di is talking about them like they’re still a unit. And
he’s so painfully cavalier about death, he always has been. His parents were
killed, he nearly followed them, and every day since then he’s treated as
borrowed time. That’s why birthdays mean anything at all. Their survival is a
marvel, those climbing numbers are a testament to their bond, without which
they would surely be dead.

Chen Yi sighs, suddenly horizontal, sprawled in bed, hot then cold. What is
he doing wrong? He wants Ai Di’s attention. He wants the Boss’s attention.
Both. How do I get it? How do I get him?

He says this last bit aloud, and whatever tender thing Ai Di had started doing
to him gets immediately undone.

“You’re really drunk,” Ai Di’s voice floats down to find him. “Just be brave
and tell him,” he says, with acid, like he means something he’s not saying. “If
you can’t figure it out then learn from other people, it’s not that hard.”
Chen Yi’s chest constricts at his intentionally airy tone.

His whole ‘you’re a coward, your infatuation is pathetic’ routine is getting

fucking tired. What would Ai Di possibly know. He’s a kid. He’s never been in
love. Right? The thought of it is impossible.

“Who can I learn from?” he asks seriously, making himself sit up with some
effort. “From you?” He snakes a hand out, quick, and gets a fistful of pants
and shirt at once. He’s gratified to see Ai Di stumbling nearly on top of him,
surprised. “You’re too young to understand this.”

And then Ai Di slithers right into the even more cruel and surreal thing he’s
been doing lately, which is to make overtly sexual allusions about Chen Yi, to
rile him up.

It’s confusing. It’s so confusing.

Why does he keep making their relationship about Chen Yi’s attraction to the
Boss?

“Are you proud of being a twenty-one year old virgin?” he crows. “Are you
impotent?” he taps teasingly, suggestively, at Chen Yi’s body.

And he—he’s not. Ai Di should stop running his mouth.

He’s saying something else ugly, laughing at him, but Chen Yi is still stuck
on the way he’s leaning over him, like he has all the power, and implying—

He shoves him back, overbalancing, so that he can box Ai Di all the way up
against the window. He’s drunk, and confused, and, and—hot, but he feels a
little more in control, a little more himself, looking down at Ai Di.

He’s also so angry he can’t think straight. He dares Ai Di to say it again, to

push him. He needs a reason. He needs Ai Di to force his hand. And because
he knows Ai Di, he knows he won’t even hesitate.

“Wanna be scolded, huh? You’re impotent,” he repeats, with relish. “Can’t get
hard. Impotent, impotent—“

He has to make him shut up, and he has to prove to him that he can, in no
uncertain terms, get hard. So, two birds, one stone—he kisses him crushingly
on the mouth.

Take that, he thinks, for one shining moment. Like they’re kids again, and
it’s as easy as this to win against Ai Di. Made you stop talking.
What a perfect method to stop that smart mouth. He’s found it.

It doesn’t occur to him that there’s a reason this isn’t normally something
they do, and that he’s just crossed an uncrossable line, until Ai Di bites down
hard on Chen Yi’s lip, pushing him away with all his strength.

“What is wrong with you?”

He bounces back, disoriented, onto the mattress. Ripped from the heat of
him, the wetness of his mouth, Chen Yi is stricken to find that Ai Di looks
petrified.

God, god, why did he do that?

All this time drawing lines in the sand, wrangling Ai Di out of his
subconscious, trying to be the sane man between them, and he was the one
who lost his mind and put his hands on Ai Di.

Only to be rejected again. It’s all too awful.

“Get out,” he snaps, much too loud in the ringing silence. Ai Di trips to the
door like a startled deer, escaping from this night that he already knows has
changed them for good, leaving him to stew in it alone.

He checks his lip and finds it bloody; a puncture wound from Ai Di’s incisor.

No one ever draws blood like Ai Di does.

He can’t believe he had half-convinced himself that Ai Di was into him. Rui
had kept making little insinuations, and Ai Di was awfully pissed at him and
no one else, and he’d never seen Ai Di interested in anyone, so, maybe…

He thinks of Ai Di, the brother, three years his junior, with a personality that
blusters out ahead of him and gets him into scrapes.

And then he thinks of this other Ai Di—mouth open beneath his, waistband
clutched in his fist, throat flexing under his palm. Taunting him about love
and sex every day, like some sort of demon. Making him jealous, making him
worry.

What is Ai Di to him? He doesn’t fucking know. He kind of hates him right

now. And through it all, he loves him.

He sits there for a long time, mouth bloody, remembering the satin of Ai Di’s
choker under his hand, and beneath that, his rabbiting pulse.
Chen Yi is not taking this small victory for granted.

It’s undeniable now that Ai Di cares about him. He was dressed in that
ridiculous costume that meant he’d truly dropped everything at the slightest
whiff of Chen Yi’s pain. He catches him, speeding bullet that he is, and holds
him still. The silkiness of his cape, warmed by his body, feels good under
Chen Yi’s hands. He likes it.

He knows Ai Di has been avoiding him since the incident, dodging his calls,
escaping early in the morning and disappearing all day to do god knows
what. Chen Yi has been balancing on the razor’s edge of panic for weeks,
barking after his men to track him down, terrified that his drunken lapse in
judgement had torn them apart for good.

But now he’s beside him, finally, and he’s not even really bothering to
pretend they’re not friends.

Chen Yi likes how he looks with his hair wet and blond. It suits him. It’s
distracting. He feels such renewed affection now that he knows Ai Di will still
come running for him.

He tries to push a little, to try and figure out what’s wrong with Ai Di lately.
Why the secret undercover schtick? Is it for Rui? For Zong Yi, who is, after all,
Ai Di’s age? Does he want to go back to school? But he gets shut down. Back
to work. They only ever talk about business or fight about feelings. Why
doesn’t Ai Di seem to trust him anymore? The kiss flashes in the back of his
mind, and he tamps it down.

And why can’t Ai Di see himself? Later that same evening he makes this
offhand comment about Zhang Teng being even crazier than him, and Chen
Yi doesn’t like the implication at all.

Is that why he’s been souring lately? He can’t see his own nature anymore,
without Chen Yi to remind him? His recklessness and repression must be
clouding the way he cares fiercely about people, sacrifices himself at the
slightest provocation, and always manages to rope people into having a good
time.

He has a violent streak, one that’s been exacerbated by all the neglect and
betrayal in his life, but he’s not crazy. He’s not evil. He teases Rui like a
brother. He flatters easily. He’s an imperfect liar. He’s affectionate when he’s
drunk. He curls up to whatever smells like Chen Yi when he’s unconscious.
He was orphaned and left and hurt over and over again, and his fierceness
can be deadly. But he’s not crazy.

Chen Yi’s affection redoubles.

He thinks of the kiss again. He looks at the back of Ai Di’s turned head and
thinks about saying something.

And then his phone rings, and everything goes fantastically to shit.

Zhang Teng is killed, once and for all. Ze Rui is beaten half to death, and
they can barely hold Zong Yi back from his bedside. It’s awful, the way he
bows under the force of his own horror, alternating between unnervingly
docile and furious with grief.

Chen Yi can’t help but think that nothing in this world could keep him from
Ai Di, if he was beaten the way Rui was beaten. He wouldn’t let him retreat
into amnesia. He would drag him out of his subconscious by the ear.

But then all of that, all of his introspection and empathy and fear is
obliterated, because the Boss shows up, and he grinds Chen Yi under his
heel.

Next to him, Ai Di, corded with fury, whispers that the Fan family has most
certainly caught wind of Zong Yi’s relationship with Ze Rui, and they’re
forcing him to take the fall for the same crime that had so grievously injured
them both.

This injustice is Chen Yi’s fault, and he can’t stand it.

Neither can the Boss. He punches him squarely in the mouth, and says, “I’m
very disappointed in you,” like some sort of cartoonish father figure from a
bad dream.

Chen Yi starts drinking, and doesn’t stop.

He’s never, ever gotten drunk like this, lining them up like Ai Di always does,
and he wonders if what he’s feeling is heartbreak.

The Boss is the only authority he’s ever cared to impress, and he hasn’t won
his love, even after all this time trying. He let him down. He destroyed Zong
Yi’s future, and got his friend badly hurt. He’s been too distracted lately, and
it’s finally caught up to him.
He races to the bottom of a two-six of whiskey, swilling it back and then
getting the glass humid with his own tears. How is he still conscious? He
wants to forget. He wants to die. He should ask Ai Di for something stronger.

And then, somehow, like he heard his thoughts, Ai Di is there with him,
soothing as summer rain.

He wrests the tumbler from his hand and gets on his knees in front of him,
holding him upright. It’s such a relief, not carrying it all. Hearing Ai Di try
and ease the blame from his shoulders.

But then he gets Chen Yi’s face in his hands, and he’s being so genuine. He
looks so strangely hurt by what Chen Yi is doing to himself.

“When will you come to your senses? Wake up, will you? You see him as a
god, he only sees you as his son. His son, do you understand? No matter how
much you like him, no matter how hard you try, he will never look at you.
You’ll never be the one he looks at. A fool like you—” He gazes at him,
searching. His hands are the only thing keeping Chen Yi from collapsing in
misery. Suddenly he knows what Ai Di is about to say, one second before he
says it.

“—only I would look at.” He seems so anguished about it. Something in Chen
Yi’s chest bursts like overheated glass. He’s been letting Ai Di down too, all
this time.

“A fool like you,” he repeats. “Only me. Only I would look at you my entire
life. I’m so stupid. I’m an idiot.” He struggles with himself for a beat, and
Chen Yi can’t fucking stand it. He reaches for the liquor. “Ugh. Wake up!” Ai
Di says, smacking him, struggling to wrangle his limbs. “Enough!”

The Ai Di in front of him is so clearly wounded. How as he been missing this?

Of course he always drinks like he’s heartbroken. He is. He is.

And still he’s here trying to save Chen Yi from himself. And of course it
burns, the truth about Boss, but he can’t even really think about that.

Because Chen Yi is very drunk, but he’s swallowing every word that’s being
said to him. And they get sweeter, realer as they go along, the same way
liquor gets more palatable as you approach the end of the bottle. He can
hear the way Ai Di’s voice is choked with real feeling for once, and he can’t
help but feel grateful for the sound of it.
He hasn’t really understood anything for hours, maybe days, but he
understands that Ai Di is pledging himself, his entire life, his love, to Chen
Yi.

He also clearly hates that he’s doing it, and Chen Yi wishes he knew why
loving him was so hard, why it made Ai Di do such unpleasant things. Why he
couldn’t have been honest with him instead of clobbering them both.

He needs another fucking drink. On second thought—he needs—he—

He’s piled backwards onto the bed, and he’s momentarily confused, wanting
to close his eyes, wanting to feel something that isn’t other people’s
disappointment in him.

He pulls urgently at the hand that’s trying to escape his grip. The light shifts,
and then he finds a warm body sprawled against his own. Oh—perfect. They
fit together.

The body tries to wriggle away, and that’s unacceptable. Chen Yi rolls on top
easily. Stay. Stay.

But be quiet, definitely. Ai Di was just here, and if he hears that he’s brought
someone to bed… he can’t let Ai Di down again. He just wants to forget
everything that’s ringing with hurt in the back of his skull. He wants the
room to stop spinning.

He wants to pass out in this lovely neck.

This person beneath him feels so good. Soft glossy cheek, feathery hair,
warm and living against him. There’s something magnetic here, thrumming
with energy between their closely pressed cheeks. He can’t stop touching
this face, this mouth. They’re both breathing hard, very nearly kissing.

The liquor is trying hard to convince him that this is a stranger, as some kind
of backdoor to his own attraction. All he feels for several pulsing moments is
the soft hoodie giving way beneath his searching hands, the perfection of
that face, angled against him in invitation.

He inhales deeply and it’s—he knows it’s Ai Di, beneath him.

He only half-tricked himself, sinking just deep enough into this well of desire
that he couldn’t possibly climb back out again. The confusion doesn’t last
long, because this couldn’t be anyone else.

When Ai Di finally stops holding back, he can taste the relief in his kiss.
Some long fever finally breaks. His mind clears.

He tries to keep up with the deluge, the downpour of Ai Di’s feelings,

desperately obvious now in the hot slide of lips over his cheek, his neck.

There’s a familiar bolt of heat when Ai Di rocks back and starts to tug his
own clothes off, the same lightning strike lust he felt in the car that day, with
Ai Di’s fist in Chen Yi’s hair. The one he’s always firmly ignored. In the purple
light, Ai Di is lithe and collared, flushed and real.

The picture he makes on top of him is painfully sexy, so much so that Chen
Yi’s alcoholic flush all redirects as he starts to get hard. He feels a belated
pang of protest, of sobriety, as things get decidedly out of hand.

“We’re brothers.” He tries to say it like he believes it. It’s his very last ditch
attempt to stop himself from crossing this line. He can’t take advantage of Ai
Di. It’s wrong.

It doesn’t feel wrong. Ai Di’s nimble hands at the hem of his sweater. The
feeling of him in the cradle of his lap is a revelation, even better than the
already heady sensation of his waist tucked beneath his arm or his chest
heaved over his shoulder.

In that hazy moment he wants very badly for Ai Di to belong to him, not as
his friend, not as his right hand, and certainly not as his brother. He wants
his undivided attention, he wants to manhandle him, to feel the fight in his
body becoming something else.

And deeper than that, he wants to get that fucking choker wet between his
teeth. He wants this most tender version of Ai Di’s touch, his mouth open
and earnest, his compact body pressed against his own. He is so alive, so
familiar.

Ai Di folds himself back over Chen Yi and mouths at his neck as if to say— do
brothers do this? And Chen Yi immediately helps him take his own hoodie
off. Fuck it. He wants this. Badly.

Undressed, their chests fit together, skin against skin, heart against heart.
They haven’t been close like this in so long. It feels right. Nothing’s ever felt
this right.

Ai Di kisses his neck softly, and Chen Yi kisses his in return; they complete
each other like a circuit. He is so precious to him. He finds that he loves
seeing him like this, completely honest.
Chen Yi is so lost in it that he barely notices being shoved flat against the
mattress. He does notice when a teardrop falls against his parted lips, salty.
He can see the fear in the face swimming above him, the heartbreak. He has
to lean up, cradle that face in both hands, and kiss him deeply, to prove to
him how wanted he is. He should never cry. He should never be hurt.

Now Ai Di is kissing him like he’s trying to glue them together for good. It’s
so much sweeter than Chen Yi could ever have imagined him being. He rocks
against him and takes his mouth and his hand with his own, and looks at him
with the world turning in his eyes.

The hand-holding is making Chen Yi want to cry too. He squeezes his fingers
and rolls him beneath his chest, sucking lush kisses into his neck, deep in
the thicket of chains and velvet. He decides then that he has to keep him
honest, and warm, and safe, and that he can do that by getting as close to
him as is physically possible. No more hiding.

He’s never really done this before, but it makes sense that it’s with Ai Di.

So many of his firsts already belong to him. They share a birthday, a

childhood, a home, a heart. He’s surprised to find that it’s not really a
stretch, putting Ai Di in this new category. Lover. He fits against him like a
second skin. He wishes he wasn’t drunk right now. He’s being clumsy with
him, losing precious moments in the push and pull of booze, hormones, and
racing thoughts.

They fumble together, driven by a heat so intense that it burns a little of the
alcohol away. He’s not so drunk that he doesn’t feel acutely every reveal of Ai
Di’s body: the visible clench of his thighs when Chen Yi strips his pants away,
the splotchy blush that works all the way down his chest, the dark
suggestion of hair below his navel.

The outline of his dick in his boxers, and then the dizzying reality of it closed
in Chen Yi’s fist a moment later, dusky and silken. He’s honest here, too. His
want is undeniable, he can’t tsk and turn his face away.

He feels complete control over Ai Di for a stretching, weightless moment.

This is all it took, all along, to hold his gaze, to manipulate his slippery body
where he wants it.

He looks so into it, into him, and that’s what really turns Chen Yi on, and
cuts through the whiskey: being close to him.
He loses time a little bit as he strokes Ai Di, and the tension ramps up
between them, blazingly hot. He’s struggling to coordinate Ai Di’s impatient
little fucks up into his hand, and the helpless kick of his own hips, caught
against Ai Di’s thigh. He feels like he can’t catch his breath.

But then those tricky fingers are pulling Chen Yi’s dick from his pants, and Ai
Di is immediately moving, bowing his golden head like he’s going to—god
he’s going to—

They’re better at everything, when they’re together. Sex is no different.

Ai Di sucks his cock like he’s been waiting his whole life to do it.

He settles heavily between his thighs and slides down onto him with a
tender, pleased little noise caught in his throat. He looks so focused, so
flushed, eyes fanning closed, cheeks hollowing as he sucks. He pulls back a
little, and Chen Yi’s cockhead smears wetly against the inside of Ai Di’s
mouth, briefly rounding out one cheek. He feels a pulse of guilt—little
brother, his brain tells him.

But it’s a deflection, a misfired panic response, because he’s really, really
not. They’ve never done anything traditionally, most certainly not family. And
Ai Di admitted that he’d been looking at him, wanting him, maybe as long as
they’ve known each other. So why should he keep fighting his own feelings?
Why should he tell himself not to feel the rush in his chest, wild horses, when
he thinks about Ai Di? Why is he committed to a farce, when the truth of how
he feels is stuffed inside Ai Di’s willing little mouth?

The thought of it is almost too much. The way he looks—a pearl of precome
dotting his cupid’s bow, his kittenish tongue spearing into his slit, tasting—is
straight out of a fantasy.

A slender hand comes up to feed his length ambitiously into his mouth, and
he swallows carefully as the head hits the back of his throat. The earth tilts.
Chen Yi makes a noise he’s never made before. His hand automatically goes
to tangle in Ai Di’s hair.

It’s effective encouragement; Ai Di reaches down urgently to touch himself.

“Mmm,” he moans, lingeringly. Chen Yi’s head lolls, overcome with buzzing
sensation, and Ai Di’s hooded eyes open as he takes another inch.

“Ai Di,” he warns, and he hums again, a gentle, curving, hmmmm?

His thoughts are starting to lose their shape. His spine is starting to liquify.
He thinks, urgently, this can’t end yet. I don’t want to wake up.

Somehow, in the next hazy moment he manages to wrangle Ai Di off of him,

despite the reluctant hitch of his shoulders. He’s always been so possessive
over his favourite toys. He drags him up his body, and suddenly his neck is
hot like a miracle against Chen Yi’s mouth.

They fall right back into making out, but now they’re frotting lazily too, just
wet enough from Ai Di’s spit to make it good. Minutes pass like this, moving
slow and hazy together as if in a dream, before Chen Yi realizes that Ai Di is
unmistakably opening himself up in his lap.

“Fuck,” he whispers, ears ringing. “Yeah.” He spreads his hands over Ai Di’s
ass and squeezes encouragingly, his fingers glancing over the place where Ai
Di’s sticky fingers are twisting in himself, impatient.

In drunken retrospect, he vaguely remembers those fingers coming between

their mouths as they kissed, joining the wet tangle of their tongues. He
thinks he might have spit into Ai Di's proffered palm, and watched his fingers
web with it. He thinks briefly, mind racing, that there’s no way spit will be
enough.

But then Ai Di is moving, so much of his height suspended over Chen Yi, so
he feels overpowered when Ai Di snakes a hand below himself and pulls
Chen Yi’s pulsing dick up—and then—inside, bare.

It’s mind-numbingly hot, and so tight his eyes water.

His hands fly to Ai Di’s waist, gripping for balance even though he’s lying
down. He’s trying so hard to commit this feeling to his slipping, pleasure-
flooded memory, this moment where they became one thing.

He’s gripped by spasming muscle, listening to Ai Di’s loose, gasping noises

in surround sound, pressed into his ear. His hands go rough on Chen Yi’s
shoulders as his body tries to jackknife, and then sinks down an inch, and
another, like he’s easing into hot water. Chen Yi bites down at whatever’s
hovering near his mouth, which happens to be Ai Di’s earlobe. The cool
metal of his earring slides against his tongue.

“The way you feel, Di,” he moans.

“Shut up,” he hisses, grinding down like he’s punishing him, but his voice is
willowy, hollowed out with pleasure. “Just fuck me. Please. Just this once.” As
if he could stop now.
Chen Yi is obsessed with the feedback loop of their closeness, feeling Ai Di’s
breathing in his own chest, feeling himself throb and get slick with
precome inside of Ai Di, and then feeling the way he clenches when he
notices the same thing.

“Oh,” Ai Di sighs.

“I know,” he breathes back.

He’s spent too much of his life not even letting himself think about this. He
has to take care of him, properly this time, warn everyone else off of him,
make sure he’s fed and full and—and—

He’s only half aware that he’s rolled them over again, that he has Ai Di’s legs
spread around his waist and he’s moving urgently between them, rutting him
further and further up the bed and watching what pleasure is doing to his
pretty face, opening him like a window.

The way they’re connected is more intimate than anything they’ve ever done
together before. Somehow more intimate, even, than the reassuring brand of
Ai Di’s back against him in the heat of a fight, which Chen Yi always privately
considered to be the closest he’s ever felt to anybody.

This is what he’s been looking for, that extra something that he could never
quite pry from Ai Di before, even with all his promises to take care of him
and love him like family. It’s the cumulation of the frustration that gripped
him when Ai Di would joke incessantly about Chen Yi’s virginity or tease him
by draping strangers from the club around him like accessories.

All along, he wanted this feeling, right here, screwing in between his thighs
where he’s stretched open for Chen Yi, letting him in. He thinks of the Ai Di
from an hour ago saying ‘only me, only I look at you,’ and thinks yeah, yeah.
Only me. Only for me.

His limbs are becoming so heavy, gravity dragging him down into Ai Di so
every thrust feels deep and syrupy. He licks into his mouth so he can taste
the sounds he’s trying to suppress. He can’t get enough of each little sign of
his pleasure, his lower lip trembling, his eyes fluttering, his stomach tensing.

He’s gotten so serious about fucking him, so committed to honouring this

rare opportunity to be on the inside of Ai Di’s defences, that he manages to
jolt him to the edge of orgasm without much finesse.

He sucks at the salty juncture of his jaw and listens to that normally cool,
drawling voice going lax and desperate as he gives in to the pulses wracking
his body. Chen Yi fucks him, hotly, grinding their foreheads together,
wanting badly to see what Ai Di looks like when he loses control, to witness a
version of him he’s never gotten to see before.

“Come on, baby,” he says warmly, tracing his fingers over Ai Di’s gasping
mouth. “Let me see you.”

The words hit immediately, explosively—he feels him twitching between

them as he comes, making everything beautifully wet and filthy in a way that
scratches some primal itch in his brain. With the hand he’s not using to wring
out his own orgasm, Ai Di is clutching Chen Yi’s back hard enough to leave a
biting set of marks.

It’s all very, very hot, but the low, breathless sound of Ai Di’s orgasm is what
does him in.

Chen Yi is drunk, so he’s lasting, but he’s also new to this, and it’s—Ai Di—
so—he thinks, as he clambers even further over his prone body, the fronts of
his thighs sticky and flush to the backs of Ai Di’s, I’m going to come inside
him.

It’s an insane, incredible thought.

If someone had told him yesterday that he would be here, tumbling Ai Di in

this bed where he’d so often thought of Boss, he knows he would have gone
hot and stupid with denial.

This was never supposed to happen, except that it was probably always
going to happen, since the very first day he’d pulled Ai Di out of the rubble
of his former life, and they’d decided to mean everything to each other.

Ai Di is his. Even the yesterday version of him would know that. He has to
prove it.

So he does—spilling over like a miracle, pushing as far inside as he can

physically get, with his hips pressed up tight against Ai Di’s ass. He noses his
perfect jaw, feeling this moment of honesty cocooning them, joining them
together, feeling one of Ai Di’s soft inner thighs hitching up Chen Yi’s slick
back. The meat of his calf weighs him down into the clutch of his body.

“Feels so good,” Chen Yi starts lowly, whispered into his mouth. “You're
perfect.” He knows he’s slurring. Exhaustion has him in its palm. But Ai Di is
still naked and open around his cock, and he has to stay awake for this. He’s
petting Chen Yi’s hair, and his breath is uneven and humid against his face,
so he kisses him with too much tongue, endorphin-giddy. “Like you’re made
for me.”

“Maybe we were,” Ai Di murmurs, still under whatever spell is making them

so frank about their feelings. “Made for each other.”

Chen Yi presses their faces together, overwhelmed.

“Go to sleep now,” Ai Di says, pulling back, pulling off.

“Stay with me,” Chen Yi says, already fading. “Don’t leave.”

Ai Di is quiet for a long moment. “We’ll see how long you feel that way.”

“I’ve always felt that way,” he argues. He feels around for Ai Di’s hand in the
blankets, and twines their fingers together. “I want you close."

There are tears in his hair. “Okay, Chen Yi,” he agrees, settling back into the
crook of him, where they fit unresistingly together. “Okay.”

Chen Yi wakes up to a pounding headache and an empty bed.

He groans immediately upon plunging into consciousness, already feeling

muscle aches splintering through his body. He’s gritty, and sticky, and
aching with some distant kind of loss.

He’s also naked.

He pulls the covers back and finds Ai Di’s sweater tangled under his
shoulder, and dried come flaking from his stomach, and he thinks, oh my
god.

He fucked Ai Di.

More importantly, Ai Di had confessed to him.

All these years that Chen Yi had been muddling his desires, mooning after
their Boss, chasing a shadow of a feeling, Ai Di had been watching, waiting,
wishing.

His heart aches profoundly. The past twenty-four hours have been such a
hurricane of revelations, each one more debilitating than the last.
He lies there, listening for movement, for the shower running, but he already
knows in his gut that Ai Di wouldn’t stick around. Even though, humiliatingly,
he remembers asking him to.

Ai Di had already been vulnerable for hours beyond his usual limit,
shockingly trusting and pliant as he’d cried and come apart. There’s no way
he would have done that if Chen Yi was sober. He probably thought he would
forget, but he hasn’t. Maybe the minutia, the moments between, but not Ai
Di’s honesty, not a second of it.

He covers his face with his hand.

It had been so good.

He could still feel phantom sensations: the coaxing tongue, the tremble of
his fingers, the shape of his ribcage under the span of both hands.

He's still trying to reconcile last night, the easy, obvious cumulation of two
people who had wanted each other for a long time, with years of confusion
and torment, loving Ai Di in the wrong way, redirecting his desire each time
it flashed into his head, and thinking of him only as his responsibility, his
mess to clean up.

How had he missed the truth? How had he not seen how jealous he was, how
possessive, how furious, how starving?

He tries to get out of bed, and everything swims with vertigo. But he has to
see Ai Di immediately, and explain that he wasn’t that drunk. Well no—he
was, but some sensations were sharp enough to cut through the jungle in his
mind.

He catches sight of the note on his bedside table and his heart turns over in
his chest. He reaches for it.

I’m not playing with you anymore. Bye!

He stands, dizzy, as the paper floats from his hand.

Like it was all a game. Like they’re still kids, and someone got too rough, too
real, and they had to call it quits.

Chen Yi never agreed to call it quits.

“No,” he hears himself say. He knows him. He knows him. He’s cutting Chen
Yi loose because he thinks he wasn’t there with him last night.
He’s not sure how Ai Di could have felt the way he hilted in him, whispering
sweet nonsense affection in his ear, and doubted that he meant it.

Chen Yi knew he’d been drunk, and guilt-spun, and yearning. He knew it was
the wrong timing. But it was the right people. Surely Ai Di knew that. Then
again, Chen Yi had been stupid about this for a long time.

He calls his cellphone, and listens to one whole second of the automated
message—the customer you have dialled—before he roars with frustration
and throws his phone on the bed.

He dresses furiously, perfunctorily, in whatever he can lay his hands on, and
is out the door in under a minute. He know what he looks like, what he
smells like, but none of it matters.

“Jie,” he calls. “Where?”

“Uh,” Xiao Jie looks startled, shifty, beneath the hood of a busted-looking
BMW. “I think he went to headquarters, um, maybe a couple of hours ago.”

“Hours,” Chen Yi repeats, disbelieving. “Why is he there?”

“I don’t know, boss,” he says, shrugging. “He didn’t say.”

Chen Yi turns on his heel. He can’t let him wriggle out of this. He can’t lose
him now. It would be so much harder to stomach than losing Boss’s favour.
Even comparing the two feels stupid.

“Did you two…” Jie starts.

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence,” Chen Yi snaps.

He storms out of the garage, heaves his sore body into the car, and chases
after him, just like he always has.

Ai Di is long gone.

When he learns what he’s done—turning himself in, following Zong Yi into
danger and captivity in the only place Chen Yi can’t chase him—he rips a
conference room apart.

Boss watches him coolly over a glass of mineral water as Chen Yi goes on a
caged rampage around the room. He snatches the glass and throws that too,
enjoying the small shower of crystal and water as it explodes against the
window.
“He’s cutting ties with the Yiyun alliance,” Boss says. “This is his final debt.
Think of it as a gift.”

“A gift?” he repeats incredulously.

He left him behind to go to a place where he knew infiltrators were beating

brain damage into people. He’d rather be there than in Chen Yi’s bed. He
feels so ashamed of whatever he thinks he took from Chen Yi—his virginity?
his trust?—that he’s willing to lose four years of his young life in jail as
penance.

Did he honestly believe that their entire connection was a drunken accident
for Chen Yi, and not a fire-bright revelation, an awakening?

How could this loss possibly be a gift?

He’ll get over his mistakes, eventually. He won’t get over Ai Di. He’s an idiot
for believing so.

“Come on, Chen Yi. Don’t be obtuse. Zong Yi took the fall for Ze Rui. Ai Di is
taking the fall for you.”

He’s shaking his head. “I would never ask him to do that,” he says fiercely.

“You didn’t have to, boy. We both know he would do anything for you.”

Why couldn’t anyone have said this to him a week ago? A year ago? Why did
everyone assume that he could see the forest for the trees? All he could see
was the trunk in front of him, the whorl of the bark, the wink of a blade. He
didn’t do big pictures. He did the next swing of the axe.

“Can’t we get him out?” he asks, his voice small like a child's.

“Even if we could, I wouldn’t. He’s useful where he is. He can’t get into
trouble in prison.”

Suddenly, impossibly, Chen Yi is filled with blinding hatred.

“He could be hurt,” he says.

“We all run that risk every day. Don’t be blinded by your feelings, Chen Yi.”

“Fuck you,” Chen Yi enunciates carefully. “You jumped at this chance. You
threw him away like garbage.”

“He threw himself,” the Boss corrects. “It was his choice. Respect it.” He
pauses, considering, and then adds, “for once."
Chen Yi burns with resentment, and he has to force himself to walk away,
leaving the compound before he throttles anyone important. If he loses
control now, then he loses the only home he has left. At the very least, he
has to keep things tidy for when Ai Di comes back.

He drives around the city, sickly hungover and wan with grief, his skin still
pricked and bruised from Ai Di’s touch. He hasn’t even washed him away
yet.

Naively, he thought he’d lost everything yesterday. Today’s loneliness makes

yesterday’s look ridiculous, childish.

He goes to the bar, looking for something he knows isn’t there. He has a
drink, the top-shelf stuff Ai Di is always shilling, feeling the whole place
haunted by him. And then he goes home, to the empty room where they
were last together, and crawls into bed.

Four years is such a long time. He can’t even contemplate it. He’ll be twenty-
five before he can hold Ai Di again. He rubs his eyes so hard they sting and
go dark. There’s an awful lump in his throat. His feelings have never been
this close to the surface before.

He can’t protect him in prison. He trusts him to take care of himself, he’s no
shrinking violet, but the thought of him, alone and inaccessible, makes him
cold with fear.

He’s in love with him, of course he is. He’s been so extremely stupid.

He remembers, over and over again, his skin against his mouth, the familiar
smell of him rich on his tongue. His fingers tangling in that chain around his
throat, the feeling of him hard and leaking against his hip, legs spreading
automatically for Chen Yi. He dreams about it. God he—he’s out of his mind
about it.

He thinks of the sex they had and reprimands himself, over and over, for not
realizing what everything had meant, for as long as he could remember. They
should have been fully present together for their first time. He should have
taken care of Ai Di. He should’ve at the very fucking least been sober when
he was inside him. It drives him crazy that the minute he had him
completely, he lost him.

One half-remembered night together, and a goodbye note.

He’s so angry at him.

He threw a grenade at their relationship and didn’t even have the courtesy to
make Chen Yi hate him. He closed the terrible distance that had been
growing between them into absolutely nothing, held Chen Yi like he’d never
been held in his life, and then he’d taken it all away without explanation.

He just wants to know why. Why bother telling Chen Yi he loved him if he was
going to ignore the way he reciprocated that love? Why sleep with him if he
didn’t want to deal with the morning after? Why cry against him as they
kissed if he was going to leave him the world’s most flippant break-up note?

He keeps fighting the urge to get in his car, to find him out there in the night
and throw him over his shoulder, to corner him into looking at Chen Yi, for
god’s sake, but he can’t. He can’t.

He doesn’t sleep that night.

Things change, on the surface.

The Northern branch of the Yiyun alliance recuperates; liabilities are all
squared away; the dragon gang wipes out Zhang Teng’s men, straggler by
straggler. From afar, he watches Ze Rui recover (physically at least), settling
into a new life amongst his family.

Months pass, and Chen Yi feels like he’s still stuck inside the moment where
he first read the spiky little bye! in Ai Di’s handwriting. He starts to self
destruct, gradually. He drinks too much, too often. He does his job, although
he’s mostly forgotten what he’s doing it for.

He doesn’t go to see Ai Di in prison, partly because the Boss recommends

against it, wanting to attract as little attention as possible to their weapon
inside, but mostly because he can’t fucking stand the thought of seeing him
when he doesn’t want to be seen.

But then he finds a cache of birthday gifts hidden in Ai Di’s room.

Eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one. Engraved trinkets and designer

pieces, each of them intensely thoughtful. He pops open the smallest box
first, and finds his own name (and their shared birth date) shining up at him
from a silvery dog tag. Blood pounds in his ears, and tears sting his eyes.

It’s so like Ai Di to deflect and avoid and disappear incrementally from their
yearly celebrations, to make Chen Yi think that he didn’t care at all, and then
to put his true heart into presents that he never gave.
He thinks of Ai Di getting plastered every year on their birthday. He thinks of
frosting splattered into the grout in the kitchen. He thinks of Ai Di sliding his
feelings into a box and tying it with a bow, and then hiding that box away.
He thinks of his ten-year-old promise to the kid with candlelight in his hair
and his heart still on his sleeve. He thinks of breaking that promise, over and
over again, until that kid became hopeless.

Their birthday is next week, and he has to see him. He can’t miss another
one.

He brings him a cake. Nineteen. Twenty-two. He’s nervous, which is bizarre.

He’s never felt nervous around Ai Di, he’s had no need to. Except he hasn’t
seen him since he was curled stickily against his hip, whispering okay, Chen
Yi, like his name was a precious gem and his tongue was the velvet box he
was keeping it in.

Ai Di rounds the corner then, shockingly dark-haired and slouching. His face
does something complicated when he sees that it’s Chen Yi, a twitch of relief,
of longing, and then—the mask.

He’s missed him like a limb. Even when he’s so obviously closed-off, even
when he sits across the window from him and picks up the receiver like he’s
about to take a telemarketing call.

“Say what you have to say.” And oh, his voice, after all this time.

“I’m sorry,” he says immediately, “that I didn’t come to see you before.”

He falls silent, clearly surprised, not quite able to school his expression into
indifference. Chen Yi puts the phone down carefully, and then unveils the
cake like a magic trick. He’s meticulous about settling it onto the counter
and lighting each candle, prolonging the time that he doesn’t have to see Ai
Di’s reaction.

Finally, he makes himself look up. “Happy birthday.”

A heartbeat of Ai Di looking unsure of himself, and then an uncomfortable

little grin curls his mouth.

“What? What are you doing?” he asks, like it’s funny. Like this ritual is
meaningless to him.

"We made a promise,” Chen Yi reminds him, “that we would celebrate our
birthdays together. It means we’re still alive.”
“Oh, come on,” Ai Di laughs. “We haven’t celebrated our birthday since you
were seventeen. What happened to you? Did you get struck by lightning?”

Yes, he thinks wildly. That night with Ai Di had knocked him down like a bolt
from the sky, flooding his system and setting his hair on end.

Ai Di is looking at him like what he’s doing is absurd, as if Chen Yi being

here and honouring their deal is so much less possible than another yearly
betrayal.

“Did my landing in jail help you get your memories back?” He’s saying it like
it’s all so funny. It’s not funny, it hasn’t been funny, and they both know it.

It occurs to Chen Yi that this is going very badly.

“I didn’t keep my promise,” Chen Yi tells him urgently, wanting him to really
hear it.

He regrets it all, every messy disentanglement to pursue the Boss, every

childish dismissal, every mislaid insult. He’s here because something has
changed in him, something that reactivated their connection, the old,
ineffable knowledge that one of them can’t survive without the other.

His fist clenches around the dog tag he can’t bring himself to put on, not
until he knows for certain what it means.

“Promise?” Ai Di repeats, weakly. Is he really going to pretend that he doesn’t

remember? “What’s the promise for? You should spend your birthday with the
person you like.” He’s still smiling, but it’s such an imperfect Ai Di smile. Is
this the unaffected mask he’s been wearing over his bitterness all this time?
It’s clear as glass. How, how has he not seen through it? “Why are you
wasting your time on me?” Another unfunny huff of laughter. “Okay, you’ve
given me your cake. You lit the candles. I have to go now.”

He goes to hang up, and abandon their conversation. Chen Yi’s heart lurches
as if to follow him; he badly resents the glass between them. So that’s it?
He’s going to dance around the wound he’s made and bail? He’s going to tell
Chen Yi to spend his birthday, their birthday, with the person he likes? Is he
stupid?

He presses the dog tag up against the glass. Proof.

Ai Di’s eyelashes flutter for a second as he takes it in. But then he puts that
awful little smile back on. “So what? I almost forgot about that.”
This dismissal hits Chen Yi hard. The necklace had recently become his
talisman, Ai Di’s feelings for him engraved in metal and hidden tellingly
away. He must still be hiding. Why would he have kept the gifts if they meant
nothing?

“Don’t come to see me again,” Ai Di says, with finality. They stare at each
other. Chen Yi’s face goes hot, and his eyes burn. “Just throw it away. It’s
useless. It’s all in the past.” The receiver clatters as he tosses it back onto its
dock and really, actually leaves. He watches his narrow shoulders disappear
around the corner.

He takes the dog tag gingerly back into his hand, feeling it bite into his palm,
feeling again that he’s lost everything. The candles flicker wrongly in the
sterile visiting room, and he feels tears streak down his face.

He gets up on unsteady legs, looking down at the ridiculous cake he'd

brought.

He’s not sure what he expected from this. He doesn’t even like sweets. And
no matter how much he wants to pretend, Ai Di isn’t beside him, and he
can’t share a slice with him, or blow out the fucking candles. Just like Chen Yi
can’t touch him, lift his chin up, make him tell the truth like he used to when
they were children.

They can’t share their birthday again just because Chen Yi has finally woken
up. It’s too late.

He leaves the cake burning on the counter.

That year, he cries more than he’s ever cried before in his life. Even with his
wasted love for the Boss he hadn’t let the tide of heartbreak drag him under
like this. He hangs Ai Di’s sweater up where he can always see it. He pours
himself as many drinks as it takes to stop his hands from shaking.

During business hours he’s become very cold, he knows he has. The part of
him that rises to bait, that experiences fondness, and gets dragged into joy
and mischief, is in prison with Ai Di.

He gives orders, arranges partnerships with gang members in their network,

tinkers in the garage, deals summarily with petty disputes, collects debts. He
bows his head and reports back to the Boss, although his feelings about him
have shifted drastically. He loves him, but his approval feels like a boon from
an absent god: he wants the encouragement, but it’s always sullied by
betrayal.

It’s hard to feel like anything matters. He keeps remembering Ai Di’s tone
when he’d said don’t come to see me, and, it’s useless. They feel over.
Broken. He keeps thinking that, and then thinking, stronger, absolutely the
fuck not. Ai Di waited for him, so Chen Yi can wait too.

On bad nights, he realizes he hasn’t eaten all day, or he’d pulled a trigger
that he wouldn’t have before. He’s so numb, sometimes feelings blow
through him like wind through a tunnel.

On worse nights, he dreams of Ai Di crawling into his bed and saying, did
you miss me? Kissing his ear, pulling on his dog tag possessively, dragging
their foreheads together, sharing oxygen. Baby, he’d sing-song. Didn’t I tell
you not to see me anymore?

And he’d wake up crying again, the aftertaste of their closeness on his bitten
tongue.

The cycle renews. More tears, more rage, more enemies, more obedience.
Annoyingly, he keeps being forced to make changes, little adjustments that
force his life to shift like sand dunes in the desert wind.

He wants Ai Di to recognize him when he returns. They’ve never been apart

for this long. The idea of becoming different people without the other
watching is too painful to imagine.

On Ai Di’s twentieth birthday, he can’t stop wondering if he’s celebrating in

prison. If he and Zong Yi are eating some confectionary, or if Ai Di is smiling
that wooden smile, and pretending today is just another day.

Either way. He raises a glass in the empty blackness of his room, the silvery
moonlight washing his covers grey, and thinks of Ai Di in a cell somewhere,
turning his face up to the same moon.

“Happy birthday.” he says tightly, to no once. “I wish you were here.”

Ai Di is nearly halfway through his prison sentence.

Chen Yi can wait for answers. He’s the boss. He’s in control, and people fear
him.

They’d feared Ai Di too. He smiles in the dark. The pair of them were
fearless, street smart, unyielding. Ai Di would set them up and Chen Yi would
knock them down. Or Chen Yi would point in a direction, release Ai Di, and
watch him wreak destruction like a firecracker. He misses his partner in this,
the voice in his ear.

But he can wait. He has to wait.

Another year passes, even less remarkable than the first. Chen Yi stops
crying, and starts throwing punches. Soon he will inherit an empire. He tries
to make himself worthy by clamping all his emotions off at the source. It
shouldn’t be difficult, there’s really only one wound that still bleeds, but it
takes all of his concentration most days.

Ai Di is twenty-one, in his jail cell.

Only one year left in his self-made exile. One year of this unfinished
epiphany caving Chen Yi’s chest in.

He is still so angry. He’s been pissed at Ai Di for a variety of colourful and

petty reasons, but he won’t ever be able to forget these four years. Four year
trapped in the stasis of not knowing, four years with his heart jammed open
and left that way, like a busted safe. Seven birthdays apart now.

On the morning of their birthday (twenty-one—twenty-four) he has another

wet dream about Ai Di.

This one is laced tantalizingly with memory, which always makes it more
painfully real.

“Chen Yi,” the dream moans. The sound seems cut loose from him; it gushes
like a head wound. Ai Di never actually cried his name like that, but Chen Yi
wants it from him. He wants his name in the quirked corner of his joking
mouth, inside the pinch of his cheek when he’s focused, on the pried-open
edge of his orgasm. He wants it to be absolutely certain who’s fucking him,
and what it means.

Dream Ai Di is riding him, and his hair is regulation black, mussed from his
forehead. His hands are tied behind his back, Chen Yi’s are cuffed to the bed
frame, and even though they’re fucking each other, grinding, teeth bared,
hands gasping open in their restraints, they can’t touch.

Chen Yi puts his knees up, forcing Ai Di out of rhythm. He can’t keep his
balance with his hands out of commission, so he falls, colliding with Chen
Yi’s chest in a way that ripples with sense memory. (For two people who
hadn’t been sleeping together, they had fallen into beds together a lot over
the years.) Ai Di’s mouth falls opens against a nipple. His tongue flickers.

“Fuck me,” Ai Di is saying. “Just this once.”

“Not just this once,” Chen Yi argues, grinding up, ducking his chin to the
crown of his head, trying to get ahold of him, to be close to him. “Again.
Always.”

Ai Di repeats himself like he doesn’t even hear him. It’s like there’s glass
between them. He grinds, and sucks, and writhes like an animal in a trap.
Chen Yi throbs and overheats, unable to get relief, mouth full of Ai Di’s hair,
the bourbon and oak scent of his body wash.

He wakes up rutting against the sheets, Ai Di’s hoodie pulled down from its
hanger, its sleeve wet where Chen Yi had been panting into it.

“Goddamn you,” he cries, biting into the cotton. He realizes suddenly that he
does, in reality, have use of his hands. He rolls onto his back, kicking free
from his blankets, and jerking himself off fast, while he can still feel Ai Di all
over him.

He imagines Ai Di gasping awake in his cell right now, finding himself

flushed and hard in his prison-issued boxers, and taking himself to the
showers. He imagines the way he’d look, trying to keep quiet, maybe
thinking about Chen Yi as he bites his fist and slips his hand down his
shorts. It’s their birthday, after all. He knows that today of all days, they’re
on each other’s minds.

His fist tightens painfully around his cock, and he throws an arm over his
face, trying to crush reality out, to leave behind his senses and chase Ai Di
through memory.

Just this once. Just this once.

In his imagination, Ai Di comes undone at the slightest tug. Chen Yi licking

over his teeth. Chen Yi getting down on his knees, and holding Ai Di’s little
rabbiting hips still as he lolls his tongue over the head of him. Chen Yi finally
putting Ai Di where he wants him, laid out on the bed with a hand below his
jaw, on his precious throat, angling him upwards when Chen Yi comes all
over his face.

The thought makes him topple out of control: his hips pulse up, and he spills
over his own chest, stray rivulets racing towards the bedspread.
“Happy birthday,” he breathes. I love you, he thinks, suddenly helpless
against it. I love you. Don’t stop loving me. Don’t let me go, or I’ll kill you.

Twenty-two. Twenty-five. Months left, now.

On their birthday, he creeps into a warehouse where he knows an ambush

might be waiting, and hopes that he’s calculated correctly. It would be such a
shame to die now, looking at the finish line.

He’s become cavalier with his life these days. He’s always survived before. If
Ai Di can manage, unarmed, in the dangerous and stratified ranks of the
prison, with the guards in the Fan family’s pocket, then Chen Yi can last
through an armed skirmish or two.

One of his men has been disappearing out from under his thumb at the
height of action, never where he’s supposed to be, and he suspects that he’s
been trading in information with one of the dragons. Their truce is only
tentative, and Chen Yi knows he’s being closely watched by every major
syndicate in town, near as he is to Boss’s right hand, and close as Boss is to
retirement.

These days, he cleans up messes before they spread, and he does it with a
gun in his hand.

The warehouse turns out not to be dragon turf, but home base for a whole
new player in town, with full pockets and a penchant for buying people into
his ranks. Chen Yi deals with his own mole first, cleanly, and then takes out a
couple of the new guy’s strongest fighters for good measure. This sort of
bloodshed used to feel so unnecessary. But too much has been taken from
him now. He draws out the borders of his territory, generously, for this new
boss, and he does it with blood.

He rings in his twenty-fifth year with a knife wound to the scalp. It bleeds a
lot, but he keeps his ear, which is what matters. It leaves him with a white
slash through the base of his hairline, but it could’ve been worse. He knows
how badly he can hurt, and this pain doesn’t even rank.

He buys a cake from the grocery store on a whim, blood pouring from his
badly compressed head wound. His shopping basket is full of first aid, liquor,
and sweets: the Ai Di special.

He brings it to the bar, vaguely aware of the music being smothered, and a
number of party-goers being ushered outside at the sight of him. Does it
look as bad as it feels? He lets somebody bandage him up, feeling the burn
of rubbing alcohol and the strange, swaddled feeling of packed and pressed
gauze.

“Ai Di?” he asks, confused.

After a painful moment, the hand leaves the cuff of his ear, and someone’s
voice replies, “no. I’m sorry.”

No, of course not. Ai Di is gone.

“Eat the cake,” Chen Yi says, gruffly, even with one foot out the door of his
own consciousness. “Don’t let it go to waste.”

“Just three months left, Boss Chen Yi.” The voice says it like it’s his salvation,
too. Huh.

“I’m serious,” Chen Yi says, his mouth full of cotton. “Don’t waste anything.
You never know…” And then he passes out on the bar.

Ai Di is standing in front of him.

He’s wearing the same red pants that Chen Yi had peeled from his shaking
thighs, the last time they were together.

His chest hurts an insane amount. A gunshot amount.

The glass pane is finally gone from between them, and he has no idea what
to say. He does know, however, that he’s hysterically impatient to have Ai Di
home as soon as possible.

He goes with, “get in.”

He’s said it a million times, watching Ai Di’s rebellious posture and knowing
the night would end with him buckled into his passenger seat.

Ai Di rolls his eyes, and shoves his body weight into Zong Yi in that brotherly
way of his, starting to bully him down the road. As if there’s a reality in which
Chen Yi would just let them walk away.

He rounds the car in a second, making a grab for his wrist. He snatches his
arm out of reach, so Chen Yi redirects, ducking low and shouldering Ai Di
easily into his arms. He feels four years of uncertainty crash up against the
essential familiarity of this gesture, the wiry bundle of muscle he makes,
kicking and fisting his leather jacket in a way that suggests that he’s not
really that committed to getting away.

“Are you crazy?” he keeps saying, as if he didn’t make him that way.

He doesn’t let himself revel in their closeness. It’s all business right now.
Step one: get Ai Di in the car. Step two: get him a proper meal, a hot shower.
Step three: pry an explanation out of him for his completely life-ruining
decision-making. Step four: Hold him until the hurt goes away. It’s a pretty
good plan. He can pin Ai Di down now. It has historically been the thing that
resolved all their conflicts.

He slides Ai Di down his body, pressed between him and the side of the Audi,
until his boots hit gravel. He bundles him into the car without another word,
and Ai Di lets him.

Task accomplished, he stops with his hand on the hood, and breathes out
shakily. One way or another, his time is up. He gets an answer today.

Zong Yi looks at him knowingly, and smiles.

Chen Yi takes it as encouragement, and gets in the car.

It quickly becomes apparent that Ai Di is not going to be easy to pin down.

He’s sullen, hand clenched in the door handle like he’s planning on diving
out. He drawls non-answers to Chen Yi’s questions, and tells him mulishly to
leave him alone, that he’s out of the gang, that Boss promised.

Chen Yi did not promise. Chen Yi had not had a say, in anything, at all. Ai Di
can’t seriously think that he can just—

His fists clench on the steering wheel. He can’t afford to get angry now. He
can already sense Ai Di’s hair-trigger from the black look in his eyes, like
he’s still waiting for something to arrive that will hurt him. Something about
him has been sharpened in captivity. His mask isn’t fun anymore; it looks
painful to wear.

Chen Yi shuts his mouth, seething with rage and choked affection, and drives
them home. Everything will make sense, once they’re back at the garage. He
had Ai Di’s favourite food prepared, spicy, fatty, and filling, and he’s
restocked his shampoo, changed his sheets, flicked on the bedside lamp that
always turns Ai Di’s skin to gold. He’s been waiting to take care of him for so
long.
They owe each other a little care.

He keeps looking over at the side of Ai Di’s face, the shadow of his jaw, the
eyes darting beneath his fringe. He’s older. In his twenties now, and looking
sort of scruffy and stretched out. He needs to eat something. His earrings are
gone, his colourful style flattened by prison regulations. But he’s wearing red
checkered socks. It makes his heart ache, for some reason.

They don’t speak for the rest of the trip, but he can feel the way Ai Di keeps
wanting to say something and stopping himself. He sort of spams, almost
turning to look, but then making himself shut down. He’s gotten better at
keeping himself in check, must have learned to hold his tongue in prison.
The thought is unwelcome. His Ai Di doesn’t hold back.

Chen Yi won’t be able to take it if he keeps it up—his whole plan hinges on

Ai Di seeing that he doesn’t need to hold back anymore. If he sees how Chen
Yi came to get him, if he eats the food he prepared, if he hears Chen Yi’s
honesty, then he’ll see that those things are Chen Yi’s way of expressing
love.

If he can see that, then he’ll come clean, and if he can come clean, then they
can be together.

He just needs to get him home. Home, with Ai Di, and everything will be
okay.

Everything is not okay.

He won’t come home; Chen Yi can’t understand it. His ears ring with I’ve
looked at you my entire life, his face remembers tears that weren’t his own
streaking over his cheek, but he’s batted away again and again.

Ai Di flirts with him, but only when he’s backed into a corner. He cruelly
implies that Chen Yi was a convenient lay, and scoffs at him like what they
had was juvenile obsession. A virgin complex. Like anyone would obsess for
four years like this over sex and only sex.

The more he sees the light shining through Ai Di’s cracks, his wide-eyed
moments of hesitation, the more miserably he wants him.
He used to know everything there was to know about Ai Di. His fondness for
spice and kaoliang, his ripcord temper, his penchant for soft oversized
clothes, the way he favoured the colour red, his scattered memories of his
father, who he’d once told Chen Yi would always put his hand protectively on
Ai Di’s young head, and who had been the first of his parents to die.

He thought he would always have his ear, and his trust. Chen Yi knew he
would help him take care of his memories, honour his likes and dislikes, and
keep him in comfort until one of them died. It was a mutual arrangement.
They often infuriated each other, but they couldn’t come un-bonded.

But now he feels like he missed a whole arc of Ai Di’s life.

There are dark facets to him that Chen Yi glimpses and can’t quite make out.
Not only is he startling much more easily, jolting from uneasy dreams as if by
an electric current, he’s also letting losers at the bar cradle his face and
laugh into his cheek. Why? Why would he let some guy, some stranger touch
him like that? Why won’t he let Chen Yi kiss him, turning his cheek to him,
when the rest of his posture is shaking with restraint?

He just wants to know him again. He wants the truth, because he tasted it
once, and it changed his palette forever. He wants him home, beside him, for
good.

So when he wakes up to a knife at his throat, his reaction is to smile like he

just got a flower delivery.

He watches Ai Di’s familiar shape moving in the dark, the snarl of his mouth,
the force behind his grip and the gentleness of the blade as he eases it from
Chen Yi’s skin. He leaves more than one thin bleeding mark in the scuffle to
get Chen Yi out of bed, but he doesn’t even mind. If every injury for the rest
of his life could be at Ai Di’s hand, he would accept every knick and bruise.

Ai Di’s hand is heavy on the back of his neck, and now the knife is a pressure
point below his ribs.

“Walk,” he says.

“Where?” Chen Yi asks, amused.

Ai Di’s hand tightens. “Forward,” he hisses, impatient.

They stumble together, both of them compensating awkwardly for their

height difference. Chen Yi could break out of his hold if he really wanted to,
but he’s actually touching him, and his focus is back where it should be. Why
would he want to escape?

He stifles a smirk when they round the corner and Ai Di’s little hot pot set up
is bubbling away in the middle of the room. He should have smelled the
bright zip of cayenne in the air. His heart kicks with fondness. His Ai Di.

He tries to get a glimpse at his expression as he sits him down in the

prepared chair, but Ai Di is looking pointedly away. He gets the knife back in
Chen Yi’s face, and when he grabs his hair to force him where he wants him,
it’s the brightest streak of sensation he’s experienced in years.

“You’re such a pain in my side,” Ai Di is muttering, as he produces a coil of

rope from a nearby workbench and starts to bind his hands together at his
back. “Dragging me into business that doesn’t concern me anymore.”

He doesn’t know if he’s talking about Zhang Teng, or about their feelings,
which Ai Di seems set on pretending are past tense and not raw and exposed
and between them right now.

He tugs on the knot he’s made, satisfied, and shoves Chen Yi in the face for
good measure. His knife has left a minor cut across Chen Yi’s lip, and he
remembers Ai Di biting him in the same place once, getting blood in both
their mouths. It’s sick, but the thought warms him with satisfaction.

He watches Ai Di assume his crouched position behind the pot, looking

vaguely unsure of himself as he fans the eye-watering cocktail of chilli and
steam in Chen Yi’s direction. Things have changed so entirely since the last
time they did this. Chen Yi’s tastes have changed.

The steam wafts over him like a warm breeze. Behind his back, he’s already
halfway through unravelling his bonds.

He can’t stop smiling.

“Why are you laughing?” Ai Di snaps, throwing the fan down with a clack.
“You’re tied up, stop laughing.”

He storms over and grabs Chen Yi by the jaw, which is just—great. His eyes
slip closed briefly as Ai Di gets in his space. He watches the set of his mouth
twitching unmistakably with regret when he catches sight of the cut he’s
made at Chen Yi’s throat. He’s angry, clearly, but he keeps forgetting himself
and letting tenderness soften his hands.
“Tell me, what’s the truth about Zhang Teng’s revenge? I want to hear it from
you. Don’t make me force you to eat chilli.”

He smiles patiently up at him, and works the final kink from the knot.

Ai Di steels himself, sniffing, and fishes a steaming rice cake from the stew.
He goes to force it on Chen Yi, who meets the opportunity with gusto, letting
the ropes fall limp.

There you are, he thinks, as he reels Ai Di in, chopsticks clattering to the

ground, and shares the bite between them. Ai Di is so stunned that he just
lets it happen, their lips brushing, as close to a kiss as they’ve gotten since
he left prison.

“How is that possible?” His eyes are huge. He tucks the morsel into his cheek
with his tongue, automatic, and Chen Yi stares. “Since when do you eat spicy
food?”

He chews, feeling the heat start to permeate, and almost enjoying it for what
it is, which is another of Ai Di’s little marks on him. The cuts, the heat, the
rope burn.

He continues to watch his mouth. “I told you I was going to be serious this
time.” He’d meant it. They’re not playing games anymore.

He hoists Ai Di up, so easy, legs slung around his hips, and carries him to the
bedroom.

He struggles, because it’s what they do.

“Let me go, or I’ll kill you,” he warns. Yeah, sure.

He lets him thrash his energy out, all the way to their bed. Their eyes catch
as he’s tying Ai Di to the headboard, sparking with meaning. He’s going to
pin him for real this time, and give him all his feelings where he can’t walk
away from them.

Ai Di writhes beautifully against restraints. He throws Chen Yi’s old words

back in his face. If you untie me I’ll only make your life miserable, if you
don’t I’ll just kill you. Is this how it used to feel for Ai Di all the time? Loving
someone who fights it every step of the way? It’s exhausting.

He looks down at him. “Should I be afraid? You’ve decided to leave me.” He

knows there’s hurt bleeding into his voice, he can’t help it. “No matter what I
do, you won’t come back.” Ai Di’s struggle is such a little thing now, barely
there at all. Chen Yi frowns, and sits carefully on the bed. “What should I do
to make you believe me?”

“What, did you find yourself in love with me when I was in prison?” Ai Di asks
sarcastically. His eyes dart to Chen Yi and betray the truth in his question.

“Yes,” Chen Yi says honestly. Ai Di’s arms go limp beside him, his resistance
blown out like a candle. “I found myself in love with you when—you left me.”

Their eyes connect again, like a fist around the heart. Ai Di looks so young,
fighting hope like this.

Chen Yi swallows. “Will you come back to me?”

Ai Di blinks fast. “Do you see me as a back-up? For failing to win the heart of
the guy you truly loved?”

Ah, there it is. The insecurity he’s been pretending is indifference. Ai Di

looks away, clearly hurting, and Chen Yi deserves this pain, this distrust, he
knows he does.

“I knew it was you that night.” He reaches for his hair, stroking it gently,
thinking of Ai Di with his arms folded around his neck, trading salty kisses.
Now that he’s started talking, it’s so easy to confess it all, his feelings
leaving him and falling into Ai Di like rain. “I still remember what you said to
me. When you were in prison I thought about your words all the time. I asked
myself why I hadn’t realized I loved you.” It’s baffling to him even now. How
he could be chasing the wrong feeling, running in the wrong direction, for so
many years.

“It was the first time we’d been apart for so long.” He’d had so much time to
think. Even if he hadn’t, he would have known as soon as Ai Di had bowed
his head into the juncture of Chen Yi’s shoulder, and laid the world’s softest
kiss there. “I found the birthday gifts you’d planned to give me in your room.
For my eighteenth to my twenty-first.”

“Shut up,” Ai Di says, voice thick, and that’s how he knows he’s hearing him
this time.

He makes himself continue, brow furrowed, heart aching. “I started to

imagine—what you were doing in prison.” The memory is still tender. The
birthdays he’d spent trying to visualize Ai Di and never being able to. His
unpredictability made him so hard to capture, and Chen Yi wasn’t
imaginative enough to make the Ai Di in his mind feel real. “Were you
celebrating my birthday alone?” Both of them splintered apart, and both of
them, separately, celebrating each other, thinking of each other, only each
other.

He gathers Ai Di’s face warmly into his palm, and holds his tied hands in his
own, looking down into his wet eyes.

“Will you celebrate my birthday this year?” His thumb works soothingly
against Ai Di’s clenched fist, and he wipes his tears tenderly away.

“No,” Ai Di croaks, avoiding his eyes.

“You said I should celebrate my birthday with the person I like,” he reminds
him. Come on, he thinks. Listen to me. Hear me. “I like you.”

Ai Di is finally looking at him. He unties his hands easily, and watches—with

a tidal wave building in his chest—as Ai Di still doesn’t move his arms,
staying where Chen Yi put him. He’s going to love him for as long as he lives.
So he tells him.

“I want to celebrate my birthday this year with you. And next year’s birthday.
Every year from now on, as long as we’re alive. I just want to celebrate with
you.”

And now—oh—Ai Di has a look in his eyes that hasn’t been there since that
night four years ago. The mask is gone. “You’d better think it over,” Ai Di
says, grabbing fiercely at the collar of Chen Yi’s shirt. “What’s mine will
always be mine. I won’t let anyone take it away from me.”

Chen Yi has belonged to him for as long as he can remember. But now,
finally, finally, finally, they’re on the same page about why.

The hurt starts to ebb away like it was never there. He laughs, joyful. His
hand slides up Ai Di’s warm bicep, and he curls into him. “Me too,” he says,
giddy. “I’ll kill anyone who tries to take you from me.” He’s already thought
about doing so, more times than he can count. “No wonder I don’t like the
customers at your bar.”

Ai Di thrills at that, and determination dawns on him like a streak of light. He

turns them, pushing Chen Yi down and hovering above him like an angel. He
can’t help himself from petting over Ai Di’s arms, eyes darting back and forth
between his eyes and his mouth, lost in the tension that he thinks might be
about to reach its very, very peak.

Ai Di’s touch is featherlight on Chen Yi’s chin, stroking, and he’s staring at
his mouth too, heavy-lidded. “Are you really Chen Yi? Am I dreaming?”
It’s so unexpectedly cute, so charmingly romantic, such a different side of Ai
Di, that his head swims. To find equilibrium again, he brings Ai Di’s hand to
his mouth and nips at his index finger.

“Why don’t you check,” he murmurs.

And then they're kissing.

And it’s better than before, better than anything; his eyes are finally clear to
what’s in front of him, and the endless waiting has made every touch feel
impossibly potent.

Chen Yi helps him out of his shirt, licks warmly into his mouth and tastes
dull, familiar spice. He feathers over old and new scars like he can dissolve
them from his skin, and holds himself back, trembling, so that Ai Di closes
the gap between them again and again.

He thinks of Ai Di with a candle in his hand, understanding love innately even

as a child, telling him that wishes are about asking for what you want.

Chen Yi has finally learned how to ask.

And as always, Ai Di is his answer.

Who else is there, huh? It’s always gonna be you and me, as long as we’re
alive.
 My heart is quiet
1:00 am

Eddie was never born well.

As he grows older, his slightly innocent and childlike face has developed into
a unique charm. His cynical smile in the nightclub, his eyes as bright as stars,
like candy, made the men and women in the bar want to take a bite.

He never realized his own beauty. The casual expression is the fuse that
makes people want to conquer, and the playful puckered lips make people
want to force it open. When the eyelashes are lowered and the corners of the
lips are raised, it is an incomparable charm. He didn't know how unattainable
it was to stand in a scene of feasting and feasting.

It makes people angry just looking at it.

Chen Yi knew that he was jealous, but so what.

Whoever robs will die.

Chen Yi, who is nearly forty years old, has become a stable mountain and a
cup of mellow wine. His back is always straight and he is often silent. His
style is cold and tough, but he attracts people to follow him. Compared with
Chen Dongyang, he is more ambitious and powerful: in the more than ten
years since he has been in charge of the Yiyun League, they have completed
the integration of the entire Taipei underworld forces. Through Fan Zherui's
friendship, he established a relationship with Fan Jiang Yichen and
cooperated with the current generation of the Fan family on stage, taking
both black and white.

Chen Yi is now the well-deserved underground master of Taipei.

And this His Majesty was in the bar in the early morning, showing murderous
intent with a cold face, trying to drive away the young boy who was
affectionate and attentive to Eddie.

Eddie looked amused. He scratched Chen Yi's face with his fingers, "You are
so jealous at such an age. You don't even have to look at how old that kid is,
I will pick him too."

His irregular hands slid down and climbed into Chen Yi's black flight jacket,
"I'm very nostalgic. If it's mine, it will always be mine."
Chen Yi still had a cold face, but an unbearable smile flowed down the corner
of his eyes, "Tomorrow, celebrate your birthday together?" He found the
troublesome hands and held the person in his arms forcefully.

"In what year have we not been together?" Eddie looked at him, "I know,
today Rui and I have settled the accounts for this quarter. You should be
more careful yourself. It's not peaceful recently. Follow a few more people
when you go in and out." He waved He waved his hand, signaling Chen Yi to
get out of here and not delay his work. His delicate profile and delicate hands
were almost transparent under the light, with a peaceful smile on his lips and
eyebrows.

Chen Yi was leading the charge, while Eddie was behind to take care of his
relationships and trivial matters. Although he didn't say it explicitly, everyone
in Yiyun League knew that Eddie was the next "Second Master".

Chen Yi chuckled and kissed his forehead.

10:00 am

bar

"Brother Eddie is in trouble. The boss was shot in a sneak attack." Xiaojie
looked panicked and started running in a hurry. "The boss has been sent to
the hospital. They said, they said...it's not good..."

Xiaojie was in a panic, but he didn't dare to delay reporting the report, "Now
the old man down there is in chaos, everyone is acting out of order, what
should I do!"

"Why panic? I'm not dead yet." Eddie's face was expressionless, as cold as the
snow in the Tianshan Mountains, as silent as the silent sea, and as dark as
the ghosts of hell.

He lit a Marlboro, and the tobacco mist slowly rose between puffs. Across
this ethereal thing, Eddie's face was obscure. He rarely smoked, and Chen Yi
firmly isolated him from all possible addictions.

He took out the Mossberg 590 [1] and stroked it quietly, his fingers as gentle
as treating his closest lover. Gently leaning your face against it, the heavy
weight of the gun feels reassuring, just like that person.
"I want to see who dares to touch Chen Yi's things. Check whoever wants to
be a ghost." He slowly blew out the smoke ring with a hint of
ruthlessness. Like a dormant beast, he quietly observes his prey in the dark,
and just waits for it to reveal a flaw, then bites its throat in one bite.

Fan Zherui opened the door and walked in quickly, "Eddie, we are in trouble."
He pulled out a chair and sat next to Eddie, "Mr. Zheng from Dongtang has
an unclear attitude. Dongtang has our largest shipping terminal, and they
Attitude is key.”

"Old Man Zheng?" A dark and gorgeous smile spread on Eddie's lips, "It can
be done."

Fan Zherui was startled: "What leverage do you have against him?"

"It's closer to the north, it depends on what you said." Eddie smiled
nonchalantly, smiling wantonly, "He just loves me very much, and he will
support me, no matter what."

He didn't believe a word of Eddie's words, who knew what kind of

information Mr. Zheng had fallen into his hands. Or is it that he has more or
less mastered some of the old men’s dirty little secrets in case of
emergencies?

"Okay, I think I should meet the old man, have a cup of tea and catch up on
old times. People's memories tend to get worse as we get older. See you
later." His expression was fanatical and cold, like a god of death on the
battlefield, blocking the way. Anyone who crosses his path must die.

"Then I'll wait for good news."

2:00 pm

Eddie sat alone on one side of the table, resting his head on one hand and
looking across boredly.

The old man opposite was furious, "Look what you have done!"

"Oh, what did I do? What did I do?" Eddie's casual attitude irritated him, and
he waved to give him a slap, but he stopped him.

"Old man, I promise you won't do anything again, otherwise I don't know
what I will do."

"What else do you want to do?"

"That's up to you. I know you're in a bad mood, and no one will be in a good
mood after losing something in the afternoon. But it doesn't matter, I've
prepared something better for you."

He threw a big paper bag on the table: "Maybe you will like this. Behind bars,
prison, life sentence, it is a good place to cultivate your character."

The old man picked up one of them and flipped through it: "They may not be
enough to bring me down. I can still escape unscathed."

"Or maybe I have a list." Eddie knocked on the table and looked up at the
person. His cold eyes, the charming and bloody look in his eyes, and the
cruel curl of his lips. "A list filled with the little secrets of all of you." He
raised his lips threateningly, "Guess, if Chen Yi hadn't been sitting in this
position, I would have thrown it away just because I was happy. Go to the
newspaper office, I believe they can write a series of exquisite reports,
whether these things are true or false." He sneered, "I also believe that
rumors can drive people to death. When the time comes, banks will stop
lending to us, and the material dealers on the table will They will no longer
supply us, and the business under the stage will be directly attacked, and
that’s not the end of it.”

He has been hiding behind Chen Yi for too long to cultivate his moral
character. Many people have forgotten that he is a little lunatic who was born
with poison, the kind who doesn't care about his life.

He looked at him with a smile, and his words were gentle and could even be
called affectionate, "I don't care whether you die or not. If Chen Yi is gone, I
will change hands and give the Yiyun League to Fan Jiang Yichen." He was
even playful. The ground blinked.

"I think my attitude is clear enough. Now, it's your turn."

1:00 am the next day

It was late at night when Eddie arrived at the hospital.

The only echo of his footsteps was in the empty corridor.

Chen Yi was lying on the bed upright, completely different from when he was
at home. When he was sleeping, he didn't look like a battle-hardened
gangster at all. He would put his hands and feet randomly on the little man's
body, as if Eddie was born to be a pillow tailor-made for him. Countless
nights, I was enveloped in his warm body temperature, listening to his steady
heartbeat. Maybe it would be best to die at that time, so that you don't have
to endure such fear and fear.

He didn't turn on the light and sat quietly in the darkness. Pictures of the
Holy Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit hang on the wall. He looked at
the suffering creatures at his feet without sadness or joy.

He has never believed in God, but now he wants to talk to his loving Heavenly
Father: Your light shines on all people, and your feet are already crowded
with your beloved ones. There is no need to painstakingly bestow upon them
the glory of late bloomers, just treat them as two of you. People are not
blessed with such a lifelong adventure.

He didn't want to die, nor did he want Chen Yi to die.

They all want to live well.

To live, to live humbly in trivial things, until the years thrown away from
them turn liking into love, and then turn love into true love, and finally write
true love into the history of the family and become a mutual support for the
elderly.

"Hi, happy birthday to you." Eddie slowly lit the candle, and the dim candle
flame was the only light in the darkness. He wanted to give Chen Yi a little
warmth, like separating out a precious little bit from the cold body
temperature, stealing all the warmth that could be extracted in the world,
and injecting it into the other person's gradually cooling blood, so that the
man with a pair of gentle eyes could open up again. Open your eyes and put
a smile on your lips, even just a little bit.

Like a lone star embedded in the night sky, it doesn't matter how small it is.

"Happy birthday to me." He has only one wish for the rest of his life. To be
able to hold the same person's arm every day, to be able to close my eyes
and look into the same pair of eyes that are looking at him. When he was so
old that his smile began to slacken, Chen Yi was still by his side, willing to
hold his wrinkled hands and kiss his dry lips with a smile.

"Hi, happy birthday." Chen Yi was lying on the hospital bed. He tried his best
to smile, with the dimples looming around his mouth. His voice was weak
and hoarse but clear enough, "Congratulations, we have survived another
year."

Eddie remained silent, turning his face sideways and ignoring him. Chen Yi
wanted to say something else, but the wound caused a violent cough.
Eddie turned back immediately and met Chen Yi's lowered eyes. The moment
their eyes met, Chen Yi's warm body temperature seemed to slip down his
shoulders.

Chen Yi slowly touched Eddie's still trembling hand and smoothed it one by
one with his familiar warmth. He stared at Eddie motionlessly, without
disturbing Eddie's fear, persistence and caution hidden in the darkness. It
was his familiar love that could not be hidden.

The air was filled with the hospital's unique smell of disinfectant, and a
gentle clicking sound passed through the man's ear. It sounded itchy, and
there was a warm and painful feeling in the cold moonlight.

He picked up Eddie's no longer young fingers and overlapped his own. The
gun cocoons in their palms rubbed against each other, and finally their
palms touched each other and their fingers interlocked.
 I Was The Lucky One
There are things never to be gotten used to, Chen Yi discovers.

Like having a lover returned, and reciprocated understanding, and the

warmth of his embrace in the morning.

Like coming back to the garage and seeing the most gorgeous man in the
world. Getting to love and hold that man whenever he wants to.

These simple pleasures baffle him. Because they are not simple at all but so,
so profound. Gosh, all his favorite things had narrowed down to five feet and
six inches of hot-tempered, wild impulse.

This is what Chen Yi sees the moment he returns. A burst of color against
monochrome. How he missed it for so long.

Ai Di only has his back to Chen Yi, but he drinks him in, stops to stare for a
long time at that wild blond hair. And that blonde hair drives him crazy. He
can't help it as he starts to get hard the longer he stares at it, the way it curls
against the back of his neck. The neck Chen Yi has had his mouth on so
many times, the neck currently holding the leather choker he bought Ai Di.

Finally he learns to use his feet again and moves forward, discovering that Ai
Di has the gun Chen Yi gifted him pulled apart on the table, cleaning it. It
makes him smile.

Chen Yi presses up behind his love, wraps an arm around his waist, face
buried in that hair. Ai Di tenses at the suddenness of it, but relaxes when he
realizes it's Chen Yi. Then there's a slap to his arm.

"What are you doing? You're supposed to be resting," he says, squirming

around trying to break free but Chen Yi has a good hold on him.

Ah yes. Chen Yi is supposed to be resting. After getting shot earlier - though

only from rubber bullets - Ai Di had insisted he go get a check-up anyway.
Of course, everything was fine.

Ai Di turns his head so their eyes meet, and there's a pretty blush on his
cheeks. Chen Yi knows why, it's exactly the reason for holding him so tight,
pressing his hips firmly to Ai Di's lower back.

He jabs an elbow into his side, effectively breaking Chen Yi's hold. "Think
with your other head right now," he says - to which Chen Yi can't help but
grin. Their relationship has taken so many turns, from brothers, to friends, to
lovers, and then the four years apart. He can't help that he wants Ai Di every
waking minute.

Ai Di grabs his wrist and drags him towards the bedroom, where he
aggressively - yet still lovingly - tucks Chen Yi into bed. Then he walks
around to sit on the other side and levels him with a serious look.

"The boss was just here. Why didn't you go see him before coming home?" Ai
Di asks, and Chen Yi knows that he's trying to act nonchalant, but he can see
the doubt there. He knows Ai Di too well now.

"I didn't want you to be jealous. I want you to understand the feelings I have
for you are different," he says, pushing himself into a sitting position. There's
a slight bruise on his shoulder from the shot, but the dizziness has long
faded.

"Am I really that petty?" Ai Di asks, then at their silence, he laughs, admitting
he is. They both know that, and Chen Yi loves that possessiveness.

But then Ai Di is serious again, and suddenly Chen Yi has two arms full of the
blond as he straddles him.

"Why did you take the bullet for me?" He asks, every bit of pure venom Chen
Yi loves. He smiles, happy that Ai Di is this concerned for him, that he
is angry he couldn't take the hit instead. This man would die for him without
a second thought and he's so, so lucky. But he explains simply that it's
always been the other way around, with Ai Di protecting him. Ai Di just
scoffs, goes to move away but all this time Chen Yi had still been hard, and
he's not about to let the little blond leave. He grabs under his knee, forcefully
pulling Ai Di back in place on his thighs, delighted to see the shock on his
face. And excitement, because he secretly loves to be manhandled.

"After all, you're so short." He teases, though it's full of fondness because he
adores... well, everything about Ai Di but especially his size. Otherwise Chen
Yi wouldn't be able to carry him around, and he wouldn't fit so perfectly
tucked beneath his chin.

"Do you have a problem with that?" Ai Di asks, and starts to ramble on about
height differences. Chen Yi can't pay attention though. With his lover this
close, weight on top of him and heat radiating off his body, lips spouting off
rebuttals - he wants him so badly. Wants to have him everywhere. In his bed,
on his table, the backseat of his car - hell, the front seat of his car.
He snakes hands up Ai Di's over-sized sweater - and if he wasn't smitten
before, he definitely was after seeing him with sweater paws - feeling his
skin, squeezing the subtle muscle that lies beneath. Want, want, want is all
he can think, wondering how Ai Di can be so oblivious to his inner turmoil, or
even to that fact that he sits on Chen Yi's ever growing hardness.

"So what if you're so tall?" He finally spits out, full of that fiery personality
Chen Yi loves, but also knows exactly how to tame. He tugs the younger
forward by a hand at the back of his neck, and whispers hotly against his ear,
"you're so cute." He presses a kiss to that ear, takes it in his mouth to suck
over the hoop and tug lightly at it with his teeth. Ai Di's body flinches, again
when Chen Yi kisses that sensitive spot on his neck.

Chen Yi's kisses... that's the one thing he can't resist. And when
he finally presses their lips together, it's ravenous. Chen Yi kisses like he's
starving, and Ai Di still can't believe he wants him this way. All he can do is
wrap his arms around his neck and meet his kisses as best as he can.

Chen Yi lifts and throws him down against the pillows, and Ai Di gets that
butterfly feeling in his stomach but it's ten times more intense. He gasps out
at it all and Chen Yi swallows the sound with another rough kiss. Under all
that stern, iron exterior, Chen Yi is a beast. Ai Di has literally seen this man's
demeanor change in a second. He can control his emotions better than
anyone, and he never lets anyone see anything but a cold, calloused look. But
Ai Di... he gets those moments of softness, and those dimpled smiles, and
now that raging desire.

Chen Yi doesn't stop the kisses, threading fingers into his most favorite hair
in the world. Ai Di feels so small, so good in his arms. He knows he's never
wanted the younger one so much. Maybe because the scare of death they
had. But kissing him now, across his jaw, down his neck - he knows it will
never be enough. He'll never get tired of this. Those sounds Ai Di makes, that
blissed look on his face when Chen Yi comes up to kiss him again, suck on
his upper lip.

There's a hand at the back of his neck, smoothing along his undercut, gentle
fingers across his cheek, and then under his jaw. Ai Di quickly finds his
rhythm, giving more dominant kisses.

Chen Yi wants to take him apart. He works a knee between Ai Di's, pushing
his thighs apart so he can settle between them, press their hips together.
He's half hard, and Chen Yi knows how to fix that. He slows down and goes
for Ai Di's weak spot, mouthing gently at his throat. Chen Yi just started and
he can barely stand it, squirming beneath his hold, fingers squeezing the
older ones shoulders.

His lover knows exactly what he's doing, and Ai Di wonders how the heck he
got so lucky. Chen Yi knows his body better than he does, knows just where
to kiss that has Ai Di melting beneath him.

Ai Di is a little spit fire. Rebellious, independent, definitely not one to be

bossed around, defiant, strong and confident. Chen Yi has the pleasure of
seeing him completely submissive beneath him.

Because he finds the sensitive spot on his neck, right under his jaw, and
makes love to that place with his mouth. Slow, teasing kisses and scorching
licks with his tongue. Ai Di is making beautiful, little whimpering sounds and
moans that are just begging for more. What's better is he feels the younger
getting harder where they are pressed together at the hips.

Chen Yi pauses a moment, takes a look at his lover's face and smiles at the
pained, pleasure look he sees.

Ai Di meets his gaze with watery eyes, breaths leaving his lips, and he looks
so vulnerable in that moment. Chen Yi loves him, passionately, irrevocably,
desperately, wholly. Amazed over and over at the beauty of this man.

Chen Yi kissed him softly on the lips, then tilts his chin and goes back to
loving that place on his neck. This time he let's fingers trail down his chest,
to tease at the waistband of his sweats. Softly, back and forth across his
navel, and Ai Di is squirming again, restless at the sensations.

Chen Yi lets his finger dip beneath, ever so slow.

"Chen Yi," Ai Di cries. He's going crazy. He doesn't know how it happens, but
each time he is completely taken apart by this man.

Chen Yi is in no rush. He wants to take his fill of Ai Di, and let the younger
have as much as he needs and wants as well. He's wasted a lot of time not
having Ai Di like this, but no more. He knows he denied his feelings for so
long out of some sense of brotherly duty to keep the younger safe, but he
wishes he would have woken up sooner to his true feelings.

But never mind, he doesn't want to get lost in the past when he has the
gorgeous man right in his hands. And he still has Ai Di's plea to take care of.

He stops everything at once to meet Ai Di's eyes again. It's almost

heartbreaking the way he looks at him. He brushes away a tear with his
knuckles, moves a stray hair from his eyes, then digs fingers into that blond
hair, cupping the back of his neck to pull him into another sealing kiss.

He thinks back to when he started recognizing his feelings, how he had the
desire to kiss Ai Di every time he saw him. That feeling is still present today.

He kisses him deeply, licking into his mouth as if to quench his thirst.

But he notices Ai Di not responding, and looks to see him holding his phone.
Chen Yi hadn't heard it go off. Whatever it is, it can wait. He grabs the device
and throws it out of reach on the floor.

"Chen Yi!" Ai Di slaps his shoulder, shoves like he wants to get away, but
Chen Yi takes his wrist and holds him down, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

"Don't stop me," he breathes into Ai Di's ear, feeling the shiver it produces,
and closes his mouth over his neck. There's that beautiful moan. Not even
the boss barging in here could stop him. He'd tell the whole world to fuck
off.

There's not another protest from Ai Di, not that Chen Yi really gives him a
chance, currently keeping his mouth busy with his own. His hands go back
under Ai Di's shirt, and he spreads his fingers, feeling up his sides and taking
the shirt with it. He breaks their kiss just to pull it off, then sits back to pull
his own off. Ai Di's hair is ruffled now and he looks impossibly cuter. But a
vixen a second later. He places a hand on Chen Yi's stomach, slowly slides it
down until fingertips hook on the waistband and he can press the heel into
Chen Yi's hardness just beneath the fabric. Chen Yi, hard, just for him.
Looking at him with those heavy, want filled eyes.

He thinks back to the first year he started noticing his feelings were more
than just fondness for an older brother. Remembers how he'd zone out
staring at Chen Yi. At his biceps when he worked on cars. Or the veins in his
hands when he cleaned his knife. Or his jaw when Ai Di had the pleasure of
standing or sitting close enough to him. Or the time he'd barged into Chen
Yi's room and caught the older one half naked while changing. The muscle
that was developing and growing firmer as he got older and took his health
and strength to be able to fight serious. He'd blushed three shades of red
and ran out the door with Chen Yi staring after him like he grew a second
head.

Idiot Chen Yi. He never realized these changing feelings. He never noticed Ai
Di's lingering looks. That Chen Yi was the only one he looked at. And Ai Di
will never forget the first time he jerked off while thinking about Chen Yi. He
was 16, and accepted the fact that he liked Chen Yi, and always, only would.
They were out on a job together and everything had gone fine. Until Chen Yi
turned to him and saw the cut on his cheek from a knife he wasn't able to
avoid. He softly touched his cheek, brushing away the blood. And when it
continued to flow, an absolutely furious look crossed his face. He beat the
nearest guy to a pulp that day.

Later - after Chen Yi cleaned up his cut - Ai Di discovered that there was a
knife he hadn't been able to avoid either. Chen Yi pulled off his shirt right
there in the kitchen to reveal a nasty gash on his stomach. Much worse than
Ai Di's. He'd started to clean it himself but Ai Di slapped his hands away and
did it for him.

When everything was cleaned up and patched up, Chen Yi pulled him into a
hug. He remembers the warmth of his body, the softness of his skin, the
strength of his arm around his waist and hand in his hair. Remembers Chen
Yi's lips against his ear when he whispered, "I'm sorry I reacted that way. I
know it scared you. I just thought about losing you and I lost it."

Ai Di slept in his bed that night, wearing Chen Yi's sweats. When he woke up
that morning there were two thoughts: one, Chen Yi was gone. Two, he was
hard. He'd just slept next to his crush, and everything smelled like him. So he
jerked off there on Chen Yi's bed, wearing Chen Yi's sweats, thinking about
Chen Yi's voice, Chen Yi's hands, Chen Yi's arms...

He couldn't look at him properly in the eyes for two weeks. They never spoke
about that day or night again, and Ai Di sure as hell never spoke about that
morning. Except once to Bai Zong Ye, but he'd only admitted to jerking off
while thinking about Chen Yi. Not the full context of when and where and
how.

But now he doesn't have to imagine. He gets to look at Chen Yi as long as he

wants, and touch him whenever, however, and wherever he wants.

He pops the buttons on his jeans, then tugs the zipper, slowly. Apparently
Chen Yi doesn't like to be teased, because in the next minute he's kicking off
jeans and boxers together. Then Ai Di feels a little bashful, not knowing what
to do, where to touch. Where to look, because all he wants to do is memorize
this man's body but doesn't want to make him uncomfortable by staring at
his dick.

But Chen Yi is moving again, crowding into his space, devilish glint in his eye
and a smirk showing beautiful teeth. He's back at Ai Di's throat with slow,
hot kisses. And a hand pushing his sweats and boxers down, enough to
where Ai Di's own hardness is exposed. Then he takes the both of them in
his hand, and strokes.

Simultaneously they release relieved sighs.

Ai Di can't stop touching him. Hand's in his hair, across his shoulders, down
those strong arms, back, black ink... anywhere, everywhere, just to feel. It's
all he can do to keep him grounded, from going insane at the pleasure. Not
only the grip, but the slide of Chen Yi's hardness against him... Chen Yi,
hard. Hard for him. It sends Ai Di's mind into spirals. He still can't believe
this god of a man is his, wants him, loves him.

"Di," he calls, moving to kiss his lips again, heavy eyes meeting younger
ones.

"Can I be inside you?"

Ai Di swears he blushes every shade of red. He didn't have to say it like that,
especially not while looking him dead in the eyes. Hell...

"You don't have to ask," he stutters, trying to turn his head and look away,
but Chen Yi crowds so much of his space. He has the nerve to grin in this
situation.

"Wanna hear you say it," Chen Yi rasps, lips at his temple, a soft kiss, a firm
stroke. Ai Di moans.

"Do you want me as much as I want you?"

Yes, of course he wants Chen Yi. Yes, a million times yes over and over. He
wants nothing more. But Ai Di isn't accustomed to this side of him. He
promises to kill him later for this.

"Want you, Chen Yi," he finally moans, giving up. "Wanted you for years, the
only thing I ever wanted."

Chen Yi seems so very pleased, face stretching into a big, dimpled smile that
he kisses Ai Di with. Then it's not long. Chen Yi has his clothing off the rest
of the way and a bottle of lube all in a minute. A slick finger is at his entrance
the next and thanks be that Chen Yi kisses him as he pushes it inside,
otherwise Ai Di would have made some embarrassing sounds. And thankfully
he doesn't take his time teasing, focusing solely on prep. Ai Di can't take any
teasing or more waiting.
Three fingers later Ai Di is stretched, wet and more than ready. Impatient.
Chen Yi slicks up and makes sure to meet his lover's eyes as he pushes in,
just to watch for discomfort. But there's only a furrow of the brow, a gasp,
and then those eyes are slipping shut, head tilting into the pillows, and back
arching as Chen Yi slides home. Shit. Nothing ever feels better.

He stays still, one hand on Ai Di's hip, the other tangled in his hair. He grabs,
pulls a little to stretch and expose his neck, choker straining. He kisses,
slowly over his jugular, up under his chin. Ai Di isn't breathing.

All at once Chen Yi releases him, and he's gasping in air, whining.

"Chen Yi."

He thinks something is wrong but those eyes open and meet his, glassy. Ai
Di leans up and he meets him halfway for a kiss. Then Chen Yi moves, and
it's so hard because he's so tight.

Chen Yi feels like the strength is sucked out of him, so he settles on top of Ai
Di, cuddles up under his chin, and moves gently in and out.

There's a hand in his hair, another on his cheek holding him there and it's so
damn perfect.

Ai Di... well, a lot of times he's submissive - only for Chen Yi, of course (don't
let the others know) - but sometimes he's restless. Feral. He senses some
sort of change in Chen Yi, and he wants to take over. He flips them with a
little struggle, and is rewarded with Chen Yi's heavily aroused eyes meeting
his with a dimpled smile full of teeth. Ai Di grabs his chin, tilts his head to
kiss him. Then he sits back, laces their fingers together, places the other
hand on Chen Yi's chest to steady himself, while the older is still holding his
hip, ready to guide him if he needs.

Ai Di finds a pace he likes and Chen Yi just watches, eyes rolling shut every
now and then - not for long though, because he just wants to watch Ai Di -
with a blissed smile on his lips. Like this is the best thing he's ever felt.

Ai Di is sweating, blond locks sticking to his forehead, and he's so close. He

keeps his eyes on Chen Yi. Always. He never wants to stop looking at him.
This big idiot, taking bullets for him. He drives him nuts. He loves him.

"Di," Chen Yi calls, groans, questions. All dark hair, and hard edges, and six
feet of sun-kissed, docile beauty beneath him.
"I'm close," Ai Di grits out, he just needs... something. He doesn't know what,
half delirious.

But Chen Yi does. He reaches up and pulls Ai Di down by the back of his neck
to whisper against his ear, like a secret, "Come on, Di." Then he opens his
mouth over that place on his neck. Bites, sucks, licks, and Ai Di is coming
with a full body shiver and a choked moan. Chen Yi's name rolling off his lips
like praise.

And Chen Yi? He's completely wrecked.

Chen Yi wakes to a soft, tickling sensation against his cheek and opens his
eyes to a face full of the most beautiful shade of blond the world has
ever known. He's thought about it at least a thousand times in the last 24
hours but he loves that hair. He presses his nose into it, tangles a hand into
the softness at the nape of Ai Di's neck.

'Ai Di'... he's all sun and fire, brazen, wild, chaos. Chen Yi thinks it's ironic
how the smallest things have the most passion. Maybe because everything is
condensed. He's like a chihuahua. Chen Yi grins against the softness he still
has his face buried in. Ai Di would hate to be compared to a chihuahua.

Ah, and he feels so perfect tucked against his chest. Ai Di feels especially
small like this. Chen Yi looks down to the hand resting on his left peck, and
covers it with his own. His hands... they are so tiny. Chen Yi engulfs them.
The urge he has to protect this man, though Ai Di is competent enough to
protect the both of them. He hates that he wasted so much time telling
himself Ai Di was only the brother he would take care of. Hates that he told
himself he wasn't deserving of Ai Di's love. He never thought he could allow
himself that pleasure of having his affection. He felt too much duty and
responsibility to the boss, the gang, and well, Ai Di. And maybe he was
terrified because of death constantly looming over their heads. If he opened
up to love Ai Di, the younger would be snatched from him, and he couldn't
deal with that. Hell, the four years he was in prison was absolute torture, and
Ai Di wasn't even dead.

But he promises to himself that he won't let a day go by without expressing

his love for this man. He will kill anyone who tries to take him away.

Chen Yi squeezes the back of his neck, holding him tighter. 'Ai Di is here,' he
reminds himself, feeling the warmth of his breaths on his neck. He's
beautiful.
He loves moments like this to admire the younger - that he surely wouldn't
be able to do if the feisty one was awake - but he longs to see those eyes
blink open, to kiss him. Chen Yi makes due with kisses on his forehead,
smoothing strands of chaotic blond hair.

These things are enough to rouse the younger, for he twitches and stretches
against Chen Yi, hand on his chest sliding up to his neck, thumb brushing
gently over his ear.

Chen Yi gets this child-like excitement when chocolate eyes open to meet
his, and Ai Di smiles, stretching and pulling Chen Yi down into a soft kiss.
Then he tucks back into Chen Yi's neck, fingers brushing and gently pulling
at his ear. Cute.

Ai Di hums contentedly, Eskimo kisses brushed beneath Chen Yi's jaw. Can
he die this way? Ah, speaking of death... he has something to settle with
Chen Yi.

"Hey. Let's make a deal," he says, reluctantly pulling himself out of Chen Yi's
warm embrace to prop himself up on an elbow and look the other in the
eyes, to let him know he's serious.

"You can't die before I die. I can't stand it just thinking about it," he says,
memories of Chen Yi coming back from certain jobs with various bruises and
bleeding. Remembers patching him up too many times at the kitchen table.
Remembers how that stopped when they got older, Chen Yi trying his best to
hide it because he knew how much it bothered Ai Di. But Ai Di found too
many bloody shirts and bandages thrown in the garbage. And he remembers
quite vividly their first night together after his release... the bruises all over
Chen Yi's body. Now he had been shot at... if those bullets were real...

No. He shakes his head. He doesn't even want to think about it. The absolute
terror he felt when that gun went off and he realized he hadn't succeeded in
blocking Chen Yi from it.

"If you really die, I will go crazy and do insane things. So for everyone's sake,
I should die earlier than you."

Chen Yi thinks about it for a moment. Four years separated from Ai Di was
enough. He'd made a vow that he would never be away from Ai Di like that
again. "Have you ever thought that I'd go crazy if you died?"

"You're more normal than me. You can make it."

Ai Di doesn't realize that he's not as composed on the inside as he seems on
the outside. He could never live without Ai Di, his fire, his chaos, his absolute
joy.

He doesn't respond, just looks away, eyebrows pinched in pain just thinking
about a day where Ai Di dies before his eyes. Living on while the light fades
from those ever expressive eyes would be utter torture.

"Promise me," Ai Di goes on, "even if you're dying, you have to wait until I
die."

Ah, but could he do that? Cause so much pain to the man he loves by dying
himself? He knows better than anyone that Ai Di would definitely go crazy if
he died. And Ai Di had loved him his entire life. The pain would be ten times
more than anything Chen Yi would experience. Could he do that to Ai Di?

"Hey, Chen Yi? Promise me," Ai Di says again, trying to catch Chen Yi's eyes.
He won't let this go. But Chen Yi just turns his head to the side. Ai Di grabs
his chin, trying to force him to look at him but he just looks the other way.
"Answer me. Hurry up. Promise me, if you-"

Chen Yi flips them and catches Ai Di's lips with his, cutting off his words. He
will do everything within his physical capabilities to prevent either of them
from having to face that, but just in case...

"One second," he murmurs, hand behind Ai Di's neck, fingers brushing over
the soft skin and black choker. Ai Di is a little caught off guard by the
suddenness of it. Chen Yi's kisses effectively lower the importance of
anything else. So he blinks a couple times to clear his head, a little confused
when he asks, "what?"

"Just one second. Then I'll follow you," Chen Yi clarifies, stroking blond hair.
And it's a promise to himself.

Ai Di's eyes lower to Chen Yi's lips - because he wants another kiss - and he
licks his own, chasing the taste. Then he gets this little smile on his face and
looks so terribly pleased when meeting the olders eyes again he says, "you
mean you can't live if I die?"

"I can live one more second," he says, and smiles too, but then looks away
and clears his throat. Tries to regain his composure. Ai Di has done a great
job of destroying it lately. The gang is going to think he's getting soft and
won't respect him anymore. He goes to sit back, get some space to breathe
but Ai Di grabs his arm and pulls him back, back to warm, porcelain skin,
and dark chocolate eyes, and blond, blond, blond hair wild and spread out
like a halo against his black bed sheets. All of his very favorite things.

That smile... he looks so totally pleased right now, eyes flickering over Chen
Yi's face, wanting to paint him on every nerve cell in his brain. Because all of
his very favorite things are sun-kissed skin, and large hands, and dark,
dark, dark hair spiked in all directions from Ai Di's fingers.

Ai Di gets a mischievous glint in his eyes, knowing exactly how to get those
lips back on his. "You like me so much. That's great," he says softly, pressing
his nose to Chen Yi's.

"You're so noisy," Chen Yi says but it's full of fondness. They share a look
and it's charged. Something has definitely changed, a deeper love,
understanding, and trust. He waits, questioning with his eyes, but Ai Di
closes his so Chen Yi kisses him. And it's maybe the softest, most loving kiss
they've shared. He squeezes the soft hair at Ai Di's nape, as the youngers
hand finds the back of his. Pulls him close, brushes over his cheek and jaw
so softly, then rests under his jaw, gripping slightly to push him back
because Chen Yi has no intention of stopping on his own.

Ai Di's eyes are hazy with so much love and want, surely a mirror of Chen
Yi's. And his smile never fades when he says with so much fondness,
"actually, it will be better if we can die together. That way neither of us will
be sad for each other, right?"

Chen Yi smiles, wonders about how easily they can talk about their life. But
that's just the way it's always been for them. For now Ai Di is warm and
breathing and safe beneath him, and he doesn't want to think about anything
else. He looks at every gorgeous feature of Ai Di's face, brushes his thumb
across his soft cheek. With a gentle chuckle he whispers, "be quiet," which
has Ai Di relaxing back into the pillows and pulling Chen Yi down to kiss his
smile away.

It's an explosion between them, like fire meeting oil. Ai Di had always been
the fire, consuming everything. And Chen Yi had always been the oil. Not
dangerous in and of itself, but when touched by that fire, he too went up in
flames. He'll consume the whole world to protect Ai Di. And let them all
know, 'Ai Di is mine.'
 Set My Heart On Fire With Those
Birthday Candles
Chen Yi had known exactly what he was signing up for when he’d fought for
Ai Di, to bridge the chasm that had grown between them since their falling
out a bit over four years ago - and he also recognized the weight of the
other’s trust in him that he’d gained upon succeeding; earning himself a
crazy little boyfriend for all of his combined efforts.

He had known about Ai Di’s possessive tendencies; recollections of his threat

of not sharing Chen Yi with anyone if he chose to belong to the blonde never
failing to send delicious shivers down the older’s spine; and the sentiment
was mutual - with Chen Yi equally vowing to kill anyone who tried to take the
smaller male away from him.

He had been certain of his choice.

There was no one else on this earth that he’d ever even bothered looking at
aside from Ai Di anyway.

That had been a bit ago, with it having now been over a half year since the
two had started dating, meaning the anniversary of their shared birthday was
right around the corner.

During the weeks leading up to it both had agreed to not make a big deal of
it, that was until a small gift box with the blonde’s name on it had been left
in Ai Di’s potted pepper plant - opening of the gift revealing what seemed to
be a slim, red specialty choker that, Ai Di noted with a bright flush -
tightened when the centerpiece was tugged on.

When he had confronted the older male about it - who had been sitting a few
feet away at the kitchen table, observing the boy, who was currently clad only
in one of Chen Yi’s larger tee shirts, with an unsubtle smile - he had easily
deflected the claim; boldly refusing to have had anything to do with the
unique gift.

“We said not to give each other anything until the day of, remember?”

The taller boy had spoken with a careful smirk playing on his lips that Ai Di
just wanted to kiss off - Chen Yi reclining back in his chair with a raise of his
brows that dared Ai Di to somehow prove that he had done it - placing down
his mug of coffee on the table and patting his lap invitingly upon noticing the
visible desire present in the younger’s expression.
Ai Di had glaring suspiciously at the older as he placed the now empty box
back on the counter, turning back to face the other with a new sinful look in
his eyes as if a switch had been flipped, stalking over to the dark-haired
male and claiming his rightful spot, straddling Chen Yi’s thighs with his own.

The blonde had followed this up by leaning in close and whispering, in a

punishingly seductive voice, for the other male to help him try it on -
watching a bit of composure leave the taller as Chen Yi swallowed heatedly at
the proposition, fingers reaching out before Ai Di had even finished asking
him.

And it was surely the adrenaline, caused by the confusion of who it could
possibly be from, that was thickening the older male in his pants beneath Ai
Di’s bare ass, and certainly not a physical representation of Chen Yi’s
excitement of seeing his gift on the smaller boy's throat.

Yes. Definitely the confusion. That was it…

So when a responding present, containing what was obviously a matching

leash to the choker, appeared on Chen Yi’s workdesk a few days later Ai Di
was sure to deflect any relation to the appearance of the gift box.

Instead he had repeated the older male’s previous reminder to him that they
had agreed to not do anything like this - eyes lidded with a mischievous grin
on his face as he returned the other man’s statement to him in this way.

And although they were both mutually pretending to be unaware of the

other’s deviation from their agreement Chen Yi still couldn’t resist the smile
that tugged at his lips at the younger’s antics, pulling the smaller boy close
in that instant in order to taste that lying mouth for himself.

Eager to combine their new gifts that very night…

Things continued like this over the next few days leading up to their special
occasion, with pairs of hidden treasures always being planted somewhere
specific enough for the other to find - with Ai Di’s favourite of these certainly
being the elegant spearheaded butterfly knife that had been perfectly
weighted for him.

Which was interesting - considering the pleased, though slight exasperation

Chen Yi had shown regarding the blonde’s excitement towards the weapon -
as if he only now had recognized that, with every weapon he gifted to add to
the shorter male’s growing collection, he set the doomsday clock forward
just a bit more…
Until all their little games eventually came to a peak; as, the night before the
big day was upon them, Chen Yi found himself within the four crowded walls
of Zong Yi’s shop to pick up his specially requested cake for tomorrow, with
the cozy bakery heavily packed with people for some unknown reason that
Chen Yi didn’t care enough to ask about.

He collected the box containing the dark chocolate spice cake that Zong Yi
had gifted to the pair, haphazardly balancing the slightly larger, though
lighter, black box on top containing Ai Di’s gift for today - a long, stylish,
vivid red cardigan with a hood reminiscent of that faithful costume Ai Di had
once worn for a school costume contest years ago.

On his way out Chen Yi had paused, having heard his phone go off, quite
literally dropping everything gently onto a nearby blessedly empty table and
swiftly pulling out his phone; grinning widely like a lovesick girl once he had
confirmed that it was indeed a series of texts from his boyfriend.

‘Hey where t u’

‘R i’

‘Fuck’

‘Where u at?’

Chen Yi had giggled at the adorable cluster of messages from his lover, their
current innocent exchange a stark contrast to the pure sin that their last
texting conversation had been…

The taller male unable to resist scrolling up a little bit backwards to reread
how graphically the blond had described what he’d like done to him, the
visuals of the words assisting in recalling heated memories the night before
when he’d gotten to fulfill the younger’s requests when Ai Di had finally
gotten home.

He replied that he was getting them a cake for tomorrow, unable to resist
typing the next dirty thought that flitted through his mind at the explanation.

‘If I can’t find one can I eat yours instead?’ He teased, eagerly awaiting the
expected response of ‘idiot’ from the other, knowing the smaller was most
likely flushing wherever he was.

‘Zong Yi’s?’ Was the next quick reply to his previous message of grabbing
the dessert - which had the older male smiling again, unable to prevent the
expression of warmth overtaking his face, texting out a quick return of ‘yes’
and that he’d already picked up one for them.

He still couldn’t believe that this was real; that they were finally together; all
those nights of jolting awake from haunting nightmares to find that they’d
weren’t dreams, but memories, via the empty sheets next to him - crying
himself back into a restless slumber - all seemed worth it now.

Ai Di just made him so unbelievably happy - so much so that he couldn’t

even accurately express it to the other; verbally or physically; though Chen Yi
would certainly never stop trying to do so.

He loved him.

Always had. Always will.

And he would also be forever grateful that he was fortunate enough to have
his affections reciprocated in full - that the shorter boy also loved him
unconditionally; that he had for longer than even Chen Yi had known…

Easing out of his reviere a few seconds later, the next reply that ended up
gracing Chen Yi’s eyes from on his phone had Ai Di jokingly asking if he
would approve of the cake that he bought alongside a handful of
unimpressed emojis, the blonde’s typical sarcasm present even through the
screen and distance.

The older male then quickly typed out his own snarky reply to tease the other
- so wrapped up in gathering up his things to hurry home following their
conversation that he failed to notice someone strategically nudge him,
finding himself face-to-face with a cute younger girl who anyone could tell,
by the blush on her cheeks and hair twirling she was doing, was a bit smitten
by him.

“Hello gege!” She giggled, absolutely infatuated by the dark-haired older

male. “My friends and I were wondering if you’d like to sit with us over
there.” She had come with reinforcements, flanked on either side by two of
her friends as she pointed over to one of the most popular tables, crowded
with students in uniforms resembling her own.

Chen Yi sighed internally, he wasn’t one to entertain such advances unless

they had come from the boy he loved, never had been; and he certainly
wasn’t about to start today.

He also didn’t swing that way, but it was important to note that; had she
been a guy instead; the tall male’s answer would have remained the same.
He had already found someone he was more than happy to spend the rest of
his days with…

“Thank you for the offer but I’m not interested.” He found himself saying in
response, surprised at his own politeness - his good mood regarding tonight
affecting his tone, alongside the gangster’s unwillingness to cause a large
scene in Zong Yi’s bake shop when the other had already done him a favour.

She pouted a bit at his blunt rejection, trying to appear pitiful as she
proceeded to grab his arm and drape herself all over him, taking full
advantage of Chen Yi’s hands being too full to push her off of his person,
with her friends simply observing the show.

“Awwwww, don’t be so meannn…” she mumbled, eyes downcast as she

darted them calculatingly back up to the older man’s unaffected face. “We
were just trying to be nice, that’s all.” She muttered, eyes big and round as
she clearly lied through her teeth.

Rolling his eyes a bit - Chen Yi recognized that he was finally starting to get
a bit annoyed at her behaviour, finding nowadays that whenever anyone else
but Ai Di attempted to pull any form of guilt-trip or charm on him in an
attempt to convince him to change his opinion or viewpoint it was completely
ineffective.

Still, he was still feeling too high on life at the moment to project any
negativity into the universe that could possibly come back to bite him in the
ass at a later point in time…

Instead he gestured with his head for her to move aside with him, away from
her companions, with her stepping closer into his space in order to hear his
lower tone better in the busy store; the dark-haired male’s main objective
being to let her down without an audience, not trying to embarrass the
young girl in front of her friends.

“I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend already.” Chen Yi hummed, a bright smile

gracing his lips upon mention of the feisty blonde, watching the female’s
eyes widen drastically as she fully acknowledged how stacked against her the
odds had been from the beginning.

“A boyfriend? Oh…” she whispered, seeming left speechless by this

disclosure, though it had thankfully seemed to stop her pressing for him to
join her with her group at their table.
“Well I hope you make him happy then. He seems to make you very happy,
when you mentioned him just now at least.” She finally said after a minute or
two, a sad little smile of defeat crossing her face as she finished speaking.

Just as Chen Yi had been about to reply he was gifted with the very welcome
sight of said blonde walking through the shop doors across the space; with
Ai Di wearing Chen Yi’s yellow plaid cardigan over one of his own black
shirts, the clothing piece appearing much larger on the shorter male’s
smaller frame - making the older male’s face break out into a dimpled grin
at the cute, unexpected surprise of the younger’s visit.

“That’s him.” Was all he’d ended up saying to her instead, eyes locking back
the other gangster as he stepped through the entrance, having been found
by the other’s brown eyes before he’d even turned his gaze back to him.

Though Chen Yi wasn’t given the opportunity to fully appreciate having Ai

Di’s full attention, noticing the others lack of reaction upon seeing him,
though if anything a light crease had underlined those telling brows and a
faint scowl had taken residence upon the boy’s otherwise reserved
expression.

Ai di was visibly upset, even if most would find it difficult to tell - Chen Yi
noticed though. He could always tell…

Initially he froze, grin slipping away at the blank unfeeling look on the
blonde’s face, heart nearly stopping in his chest as he finally realized the
implications of the almost intimate closeness of the image the boy had
walked in on - stepping away from the girl’s proximity and touch a bit too
quickly out of instinct and accidentally making himself look more suspicious
as a result.

Though the damage had already been done.

He recognized that dead, expressionless unhappiness from when Ai Di used

to use it as a mask before Chen Yi had been made aware of his feelings - and
it scared him to see such a familiar unwelcome resignation once again being
worn on the others face.

Especially since it was once more being directed towards him…

And Chen Yi knew he’d fucked up - knew that, as jokingly as he’d said it
from the beginning, Ai Di had been serious when he’d admitted to being a
jealous person both when he’d threatened to not share Chen Yi and when the
boss had departed…
Fuck.

Before Chen Yi could figure out a viable solution, however, Ai Di had

redirected his irked gaze - dark eyes shifting away from looking at Chen Yi in
a frighteningly representative metaphor before the boy stalked off, clearly
not in the mood to discuss anything with the older at the moment.

The blonde had maneuvered his way through the throng rather easily,
beelining across the space of the bakery in order to get past the counter,
which was currently being manned by Zong Yi, who was watching the
storefront as his new bakery assistant was washing dishes in the back.

Zong Yi had observed this familiar trespass without protest, only faltering in
his welcome smile and greeting once he’d noticed the light tears in the
shorter male’s gaze - quickly deferring the next people in line to his
assistant before going to comfort the blonde, pulling him into a gentle hug
before anything else.

Chen Yi had initially remained where he was, freaking out internally once
he’d watched Ai Di change gears to bolt, practically tossing the boxes he had
in hand onto the nearest table and attempting to catch the other before he
escaped without knowing the truth.

Chen Yi watched as he was taken into the taller male’s arms in a hug, his
own jealousy rearing it’s head at the sight although he knew Zong Yi had a
lover… Before Chen Yi had even reached the pair, however, Ai Di saw him
coming, visibly tensing and squirming out of Zong his arms the next
moment, darting away into the back rooms of the kitchen.

Zong Yi had analysed this wordless exchange between the couple, gaze
slightly hardening towards the taller gangster at the realization of whom Ai
Di was running from - having seen how deeply hurt the other boy had been.

Meaning Chen Yi could also tell by the baker’s current demeanour that he
wouldn’t willingly be allowed into the back of the store without a fuss as Ai
Di had, instead halting at the opening between the display that led behind
the counter.

“Tell him I need to explain.” Chen Yi had demanded quickly, gazing

imploringly into Zong Yi’s own dark brown eyes, the other male frowning a
bit at hardly even being acknowledged but simply sighing before telling Chen
Yi to wait here, following Ai Di’s escape route into the back to relay the
desired message.
After a few achingly long moments, that seemed to drag on forever, Chen Yi
was finally rewarded with the appearance of the blonde, eyes slightly red-
rimmed and sniffing cutely in evidence that he’d been crying a bit, with Zong
Yi leading the way out from behind the counter so as to make Chen Yi back
off a little.

Although every instinct in his body screamed to touch the smaller male, that
touching him had always made everything better for the both of them, Chen
Yi suspected that in this situation his physical advances wouldn’t be very
effective if the step back the boy had taken in response to his step forward
had been any indication.

Though he still couldn’t hold back the pang of heartbreak and guilt that
bolted through him at the sight of the other’s tears - at the realization that
he himself had caused that - the visual display of sadness reminding him far
too much of the years he knows he’d left the other to cry alone on this very
occasion.

“Let’s go.” Ai Di had finally said after a beat, face steeled as he purposely
stepped around Chen Yi, following a soft nod of appreciation directed
towards Zong Yi, stalking off in the direction of the exit without looking back
to observe whether the older male was following him or not.

Shit.

Chen Yi collected his boxes from the table on the way out, knowing internally
that the bright red-icing cake the heavier box contained was probably ruined
now due to his previous rough treatment of it’s container, but he could
hardly bring himself to care in face of the more pressing issue at hand.

He followed the irritated blonde back to the car, the familiar sleek blue
vehicle having been parked a little ways up the street in a similar location to
where Chen Yi had once been faux shot - a memory that the smaller male
clearly recalled vividly by the way he waited outside for Chen Yi to get first in
despite his present frustration.

The older couldn’t help but be touched by this as he slid into the seat on the
passenger side of the car; heart warming at this display of consideration,
knowing that Ai Di still cared deeply about his well-being although he was
still mad at him in the moment.

He just wished Ai Di would express his feelings regarding the matter more
openly, the dread filling the dark-haired male’s bones far worse a fate than
simply being cussed out, or called an asshole.
Anything would have been better than nothing…

Once the other had started the car and they had headed off Chen Yi had
considered breaking their silence, musing internally as to whether or not Ai
Di would prefer it if he spoke up first and explained the situation - not even
paying attention to where said blonde was driving them.

That was until the car stopped outside Ai Di’s bar, with the smaller man
opening the door and climbing out of the driver's seat before tossing the
keys into the center cup holder with a carefully aimed flick of his wrist.

“Be careful driving yourself back home.” The younger had muttered out
finally - venom dripping from the inherently sweet words as continued with
his advice to the older.

“Check enough street corners on your way back and I’m sure you’ll find
someone to keep you warm for the night.” Ai Di hissed before shutting the
door and headed for the bar entrance flipping the other the bird as he heard
his name being called behind him - with Chen Yi struggling to quickly place
the boxes on his lap onto the backseat without (further) destroying the
edible contents of the heavier one with waning success.

Ai Di hadn’t been back to his separate flat in weeks, having practically moved
into Chen Yi’s room with him a few months ago, with the blonde staying over
one night earlier on and simply never leaving - though he did commute back
and forth to his place for his closet, though that was also gradually
accumulating at Chen Yi’s place.

Meaning the fact that Ai Di was choosing to brazenly separate them now
meant that he was more than a little bothered by how the night had gone -
considering that neither of them could rest very well without the other close
by; Ai Di was essentially committing to the physical wear of a sleepless night
in favour of sharing a bed with him.

Which Chen Yi simply couldn’t have…

By the time he’d gotten out of the car to chase after the younger male the
blonde had seated himself behind the dark bar, ambient lights currently shut
off as Ai Di poured himself a shot, ensuring that there was a physical barrier
of separation between them both, glaring heatedly at the older as Chen Yi sat
himself down on the other side of the bat.

“Leave me alone.” The smaller boy had muttered, tugging off Chen Yi’s
cardigan from his body and tossing it onto the end of the counter in a clear
display of rejection, though he refused to meet the other man’s gaze as he
said this.

“If you wanted me to go away you would have locked the bar door before I
came in.” Chen Yi finally said, lifting his eyes to meet the shorter boy’s own
as Ai Di’ determinedly avoided that very thing, humming humorlessly in
response to the dark-haired male’s point.

“Must have forgotten to.” Ai Di muttered, finally training that harsh leer back
into Chen Yi’s face as he spoke, pure spite dripping off of every syllable.

“Sometimes people forget things after all; commitments, morals, even basic
respect in relationships it seems.” The smaller drawled out, finally tossing
back his shot and tipping his glass over on its rim on the countertop in
indication of him being finished.

“Everyone chooses to remember different things at different times according

to their liking.”

Although the boy’s words could have been read innocently, the underlying
meaning was quite obvious to the older who simply sighed; knowing exactly
what he needed to do to fix things…

He didn’t have any fear regarding Ai Di choosing to end things between

them, not after they had both fought so hard for this, but more so in relation
to this incident bearing a permanent mark on Ai Di’s formerly flawless trust
in him.

“Ai Di.” He began, voice soft and low, thick with emotion as he felt the pain in
the other’s demeanour reflected back onto himself. “I’m sorry, it wasn’t what
it looked like though.” Chen Yi whispered into the darkness of the room as
the other scoffed, obvious disbelief filling the sound.

“What? She was small and cute, that’s exactly your type isn’t it - as you’ve
said so before.” The smaller male said condescendingly, stubbornly unmoved
by the older man’s attempted explanation, raising a brow as Chen Yi rolled
his eyes at the obvious untruth.

“You’re my type; no one else is.” Chen Yi said firmly, even as the other moved
to draw away at these easy words, grabbing the blonde’s wrist in a familiar
hold over the counter in an effort to keep Ai Di close until the younger could
be convinced to come back with him.

The deep, primal fear of celebrating their date of birth alone again seizing
through the older male as he did so…
“Please, Ai Di…” Chen Yi murmured, holding onto the shorter man’s slight
wrist as he rose from his seat, watching as he was allowed to retain his grip
on the boy as he shifted to step behind the counter, pulling the younger man
along with him as he joined the blonde on the other side of the barrier.

“I only want you.” He murmured, trying to be as clear as possible with the

shorter male - who still gazed up at him with that same slightly untrusting
feral look on his face that Chen Yi had fallen in love with.

But at least he wasn’t being pushed away anymore...

After a moment of this mutual staring Ai Di must have finally garnered

enough sincerity from the others last few words to somewhat forgive him,
glare softening a bit as he tugged Chen Yi’s hand from his wrist and instead
loosely twined their fingers together - sparking hope in Chen Yi’s heart that
the night could still be salvaged somewhat.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here.” The blonde muttered, grabbing his previously
tossed sweater of Chen Yi’s with his free hand and dragging it into his arms.

The older male grinned softly at having managed to at least convince the
other to come back with him, allowing himself to be led away - desperately
wanting to kiss the other boy senseless in response to his forgiveness
although he doubted it would be in his favour to do so.

He also doubted it would be reciprocated, knowing the chances that he

would even be left alive after currently doing so would be slim.

But it would still be very much be worth it…

Upon reaching the car once again, after Ai Di had locked back up, Chen Yi
opened the passenger side for the younger this time, half expecting to be
met with some of their typical banter from the other about why they were
switching seats; this time however Ai Di stepped inside without complaint,
settling into the seat with a subdued resignation to his movements.

Sighing once more Chen Yi then closed the door, walking around the car to
the driver’s side and opening the door, joining the blonde in the vehicle.

After adjusting his seat and mirrors; smirking internally to himself at just
how tiny the other male’s measurements were in comparison to his own; the
taller man had a brief epiphany, - swiftly reaching around into the backseat
to grab the lighter black box from the backseat, planting the gift atop his
plaid over shirt in the other’s lap.

“What’s this..?” Ai Di had questioned, curling his fingers around the edges of
the box hesitantly before lifting it a bit in order to shake it lightly, frowning a
bit at the lack of sound this action generated.

“It’s a gift for you.” The dark-haired boy hummed pleasantly, all pretence of
their little gift swap lost in their need for open communication right now;
watching eagerly as Ai Di opened the box and smirked a little at the obvious
reference the garment held before recovering from his moment of softness.

“That girlfriend of yours would look perfect in this, don’t you think?” The
smaller male said in response, this petty speech accompanied by a fierce
side-eye that had Chen Yi rolling his own out of exasperation.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” The taller male grumbled out, starting the engine
as the other made a soft sound of disagreement at this - as if Chen Yi were
trying to escape the implications those cruel words impressed upon their
relationship.

“You are my boyfriend.” He continued. “Mine, Ai Di. Do you think I was joking
when I told you I couldn’t live without you alive by my side?” Chen Yi
continued, desperately trying to let the other know how important he was to
him - though Ai Di held no response to this clarification.

The rest of the drive home was also silent, more of that aching void between
them that the older had sought so hard to eradicate those many months ago,
leaving Chen Yi to disappointedly realize that would mean that they were
going backwards rather than forwards at this moment - not growing closer
together as they were always striving to do.

Once they’d reached the auto shop and parked, Ai Di had slid out from his
seat first, stepping out into the slightly sharper night air as he walked inside
before quickly being followed by the older, depositing his gift box and
cardigan in the kitchen before heading straight for Chen Yi’s quarters.

At this rate, however, the only difference between the boy not being there at
all would be the intentional presence of him sleeping in Chen Yi’s bed -
meaning the pair of them probably wouldn’t be physically celebrating
anything tonight at this rate…

Before he could properly storm off Chen Yi snagged the boy’s wrist once
more, only this time he spun the younger back into his arms as he had done
many, many times before. “Fuck off, Chen Yi.” Ai Di had snarled, thrashing a
bit at the uncalled for contact as he was pressed back against that firm chest.

Chen Yi only held him tighter at this, however, recognizing that the other
wasn’t actually trying to escape as he often did, simply playing the struggle
card to save face when he secretly enjoyed being pulled into Chen Yi’s
embrace on the regular.

Ai Di loved being cuddled and held by the taller male and that hadn’t seem to
have changed with his anger…

Changing tactics Chen Yi turned Ai Di around in his arms, tugging the

squirming boy closer by his waist and tucking Ai Di’s head into his throat, to
where the boy was completely surrounded by only him - sensing some of the
visceral tension leaving the other at this action, stroking down the blonde’s
back as he hummed in thought before speaking.

“So what exactly do I need to do to be forgiven?” He whispered into the

younger’s ear, fingers weaving into the bleached blonde strands at the
smaller male’s nape - as Chen Yi cupped his neck when Ai Di eventually
pulled away from his cozy position to reply.

The boy had clearly given the idea some thought while he had been melting
in the other’s arms, so the dark, mischievous look in those clever eyes was
certainly not a surprise to Chen Yi; the taller man simply smiling softly in
response, although he hadn’t even heard what his requirement was yet.

“I’ll do anything for you…” He continued, voice heavy with promise as Ai Di

grinned evilly, expression finally one of happiness, even as impure as his
intentions were.

“Oh, I know you will. Which is why my condition for your forgiveness is that I
get control tonight in the bedroom.” Ai Di purred darkly, eyes narrowed and
brow raised as if he expected Chen Yi to immediately protest. “You have to
do what I say for a change...”

The dark-haired male simply cocked his head a bit, intruiged - however; not
fully aware of the extent of what the boy meant or what he was getting
himself into - though he was more than willing to explore, knowing he would
be safe in the younger’s capable hands; nodding easily in response to the
request.

“Perfect.” Ai Di whispered, voice suddenly a bit deeper with lust as he took a

step back, Chen Yi only now noticing the light flush of arousal paining the
cross-section of the boy’s face as he did so, unable to hide his giddy smirk
at having been the one to make such a pretty image of the other.

The blonde had walked over to the utensil drawer and pulled out what was
obviously Chen Yi’s gift of the day - which would have actually been a great
hiding spot considering he had originally planned to cook for them tonight,
though at the rate things were going now he’d probably just end up ordering
them takeout between one of their rounds.

Not that Chen Yi was complaining or anything…

He observed as Ai Di forwent handing him the box entirely, opening it

himself and pulling out what looked to be a gorgeous silky black blindfold,
the fabric of it shimmering under the soft, lower lights of the kitchen.

“This was initially meant to be a gift for you to use on me but I think it’ll look
so much better on you tonight, don’t you think?” Ai Di hummed sinfully, eyes
darting over Chen Yi’s form as he did so as if undressing the taller with his
eyes, causing the older male to shiver pleasantly at the thought.

This theory was essentially confirmed as he was grabbed by the shirt front
and dragged off to their bedroom the next moment, with the blonde locking
the door first thing before essentially commanding him to strip.

Chen Yi did as he was told, loving when he managed to bring this side of Ai
Di to the surface, with the blonde hardly ever taking charge in the bedroom,
preferring to be manhandled and made to do what Chen Yi wanted whenever
they did things.

And as much as Chen Yi also loved having that control it was still so fucking
hot to see that look of authority the younger’s gaze - knowing he’d have to
pace himself to avoid getting off too quickly at this rate…

Once he was naked, save for his briefs, Chen Yi paused, watching as the
other narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms at the offending piece of fabric
still remaining on the older’s body - with a thrill of shyness presenting itself
under Chen Yi’s own darker skin tone as he was then made naked upon its
removal in from the of the other fully dressed male.

“Good boy.” Ai Di had then hummed, looking shamelessly up and down the
other’s form as he spoke; eyeing how hard the taller was already with a
smirk; Chen Yi being too hung up on how to get that phrase to roll off the
other’s tongue in that seductive way once more to pay much attention to the
hunger present in that gaze.
“On the bed, arms up against the headboard.”

And before Chen Yi could even fully process the words his body had already
shifted to obey, positioning himself on the bed with his wrists crossed
against the headboard as he’d been told to do so - breath catching as he
suddenly knew to expect the length of dark rope Ai Di pulled from their toy
drawer the next instant.

Though he was still unprepared for the actual action of the blonde joining
him on the bed, thighs straddling his own as Ai Di deviously seated his
clothed ass on Chen Yi’s length, with every slight shift of the blonde’s form
as he tied the older’s wrists together above his head having the taller male’s
entire body seizing up in an effort not to buck up his hips into that delicious
friction against his cock.

“There we go. So pretty for me.” Ai Di had grinned upon analysing his work,
pleased with the elegant, complementariness of the black restraints against
the tanned skin of the other, a very different sight to the contrast the dark
ropes typically had against his own lighter complexion.

Meanwhile Chen Yi was simply basking in all these tidbits of praise, not even
having recognized before that he’d had a thing for it, grinning like a fool
with every new one the blonde handed out to him.

“You think I’m pretty?” He teased, wanting to get the other to say it again or
even just to rile up Ai Di further with the question; not expecting the
absolutely devilish look and tone accompanying the other’s lips against his
ear a second later.

“Very pretty. Especially when you’re under me like this...” The younger man
had murmured before casually pulling back with a tilt of his head, leaving
Chen Yi frozen, unable to breathe, chest heaving as if he’d just run a
marathon and somehow impossibly harder beneath the other.

Then Ai Di shifted, reaching for the blindfold that he’d left near the edge of
the bed and grabbing it in preparation to embellish the older’s face with it.

“W-wait, aren’t you- if I’m wearing that…” Chen Yi trailed off in his protests
upon notice of the deadpanned glare he was currently being given by the
smaller boy, recognizing with a start that this was a part of his punishment -
being forced to wear this during their activities.

“I want to see you though. Ai Di, pleasepleaseplease...” The dark-haired male

begged, wanting desperately to get to watch the other undress as well - to
see him in all of his glory at least before said vision would be taken from
him, though all this earned him was an eye roll and a humorless chuckle
from the younger.

“You committed, remember? Besides, it's nothing you haven’t seen before.”
The blonde shrugged before proceeding to press the material around the
others eyes, tying it gently around the back of the pouting others head -
giggling softly at how badly Chen Yi had wanted to see him naked as well.

Once he was finished Chen Yi found himself in a world of inky darkness,

vision and light completely obscured by the material, forcing his other
senses to take the driver’s seat in his exploration of his surroundings.

He felt Ai Di move on off of him for a bit, heard him mutter something else
about liking how the older looked before he was pressing himself back over
Chen Yi, though this time the taller boy’s breath caught at the delicious
sensation of skin-to-skin contact this second approach garnered.

His pulse quickened as he noted that he had now gained a lapful of very
naked Ai Di though he was also still frustrated in the background about not
being able to feast his eyes on what he was sure was a beautiful picture to
behold.

Ai Di ground down a bit, teasingly so just to pull a light groan out of the
older before he leaned up to ask the important question Chen Yi typically
directed towards him.

“Is this alright?” He whispered, voice still heavy, though there was clear
concern behind it; as if he were worried he’d taken things too far even in his
pretence of punishment - his relief nearly tangible as Chen Yi nodded hastily;
just as much into this as the blonde was.

“Good.” Ai Di continued, grinning widely as he chose violence with his next

set of words. “I prepared myself for you this afternoon but I’m just gonna
make sure I’m still ready for you now.” The younger said quietly, the
sentence bringing forth intrusive thoughts of Ai Di fingering himself open on
this very bed in preparation for Chen Yi to fuck him earlier that same day...

Had he gotten himself off? How many fingers had he taken before he’d
ended up actually pleasuring himself? The questions were endless, and so
was Ai Di’s patience it would seem; with Chen Yi hearing him leisurely click
open their lube a few moments later - the delayed pace of everything driving
the dark-haired male absoloutly insane.
Just another move in the younger’s strategy to his undoing, Chen Yi
presumed…

He could feel Ai Di lift himself slightly, the blonde’s wrist bumping against
his length every now and then due to the angle of his hand, knowing the boy
probably had at least two of his smaller digits in himself already; always
skipping to two in an effort to mimic the size of Chen Yi’s own fingers when
he got them in the shorter male.

He could also hear the vivid moans and gasps falling from the blonde’s lips
as he opened himself up above the other - with Chen Yi desperately shifting
his head back and forth in hopes of dislodging the blindfold even a bit to
catch a glimpse of the other.

Though his actions did gain him a soft laugh from the younger, with a firm
hand coming back up to right the mask a bit more on his face with a low
‘naughty boy’ that had Chen Yi biting his lip in an effort to retain some
semblance of control over his impending orgasm - cock twitching eagerly
from where it remained untouched upon his stomach.

Fuck. He hoped he would last…

These dreams were dashed to pieces a moment later as he was gripped by a

hand and stroked twice, breath hitching as he was welcomed into the
blonde’s tight heat without warning a second later - mind going slack as he
was taken inside so easily, concentration faltering the instant he was pressed
completely up into the blonde.

The pair of them had moaned almost synchronously as Chen Yi bottomed out
within the younger - with the older man doubting he’d ever get tired of this
feeling; of simply being inside Ai Di so intimately - the initial motion of it all
always feeling like it was their first time again no matter how many occasions
they’d done it.

“S-so good for me… fit inside me so well…” Ai Di had murmured

breathlessly, already swiveling his hips a bit in his own eagerness to ride the
other, though he finished his ramble with a warning for the taller male,
grabbing Chen Yi almost painfully by the hair in order to garner the older’s
full attention on his next words.

“Need you to be good for me Chen Yi. No coming until I say so.” The younger
panted out, beginning to ride him properly even as Chen Yi mewled in
protest at the younger’s movements alongside the introduction of this rule,
already recognizing he would struggle immensely with adhering to it.
He squirmed slightly in an effort to prevent his hips from darting up
instinctively, knowing he wouldn’t be able to restrain himself if he was made
to actually fuck up into the other male - choosing instead to lean into Ai Di’s
intentional motions, letting the smaller male guide their mutual pleasure with
the rise and fall of his body.

Everything was amplified so drastically Chen Yi felt as if he were about to

implode - from the perfect constriction around his length to the way that Ai
Di had shifted to have full reign to nip a trail of reddened marks down the
side of the older man’s throat - the warm pressure curling deep within Chen
Yi’s belly signalling he wouldn’t be able to stave off his impending orgasm
much longer at this rate…

“Ai Di… please…” he had whined out at what he had been so sure was his
breaking point, being gently shushed and reminded what a ‘good boy’ he
was by the blonde seated atop his cock, with Ai Di continuing to raise and
drop his hips as he soothed the other, relentless in his motions.

Chen Yi had whimpered a bit at this, breathing picking up as he forcibly held

himself back from spilling that very moment, hearing the pleasure in Ai Di’s
own tone of voice having made everything all too much for a minute.

The older male then shocked even himself by lasting another round of Ai Di
sinking his teeth into his neck - this time on the other side - knowing he was
going to look absolutely wrecked at this rate; though a heat bloomed
through him at the thought that he would end up looking claimed.

That he would look like Ai Di’s...

And that seemed to be the younger man’s sentiments as well if the soft
breathy growls of ‘mine’ in between bites was any indication - with Chen Yi
knowing the boy was close by the way his hips had picked up a bit of speed,
sounds of ecstasy falling from the shorter’s mouth as he found the perfect
spot to tease his prostate, sounding oh so debauched as he simply settled
for grinding down at that angle for a bit.

It had felt like an eternity before Chen Yi had felt as if he were being
addressed once again; having been lost in the heated sounds of the other
male currently using him to chase his own orgasm as if he were a synthetic
toy.

“Been so good for me…” Ai Di whispered, having ended up next to Chen Yi’s
ear again, plush lips grazing the edge of it as he spoke. “Do you want this off
now, hmm?” The boy had questioned, tugging gently at the edge of the
blindfold over Chen Yi’s nose in order to indicate to the other what he meant
- being met almost immediately with an eager, albeit shaky nod in response.

“Fuck-yes please… wanna see you…” Chen Yi had gasped out, tugging lightly
on his bound wrists as Ai Di moved to undo the tie behind his head;
wondering exactly how long he’d been holding himself back like this - body
tense as a bowstring beneath the younger.

Wondering when exactly he would be given the opportunity to actually touch

the other…

As the fabric obscuring his vision was removed, however, he had to pause for
a moment for his eyes to fully adjust back to the multicoloured lighting of
their bedroom, blinking his eyes open slowly - that same urge to touch
amplifying tenfold once he was actually able to gaze up at the boy.

The blonde gently sat back at this, bracing himself against the other’s chest;
eyes lidded and gorgeously bared form on full display, giving Chen Yi a
second to take everything in before resuming their activities.

He flushed a deeper pink under the older’s gaze; especially as Chen Yi’s eyes
darted approvingly south, a satisfied smile gracing the taller man’s face upon
confirmation that Ai Di’s length was also hard as rock and leaking prettily
into Chen Yi’s abdomen; relieved to be able to visually confirm that Ai Di had
been enjoying having him like this…

“Asshole…” Ai Di had muttered with a low gasp accompanying the word,

gently hitting the older’s chest with his palm as Chen Yi’s hungry gaze raked
shamelessly over his exposed form, the sight causing the older’s hips to jerk
upward involuntarily - the dark-haired male turned on beyond belief.

Chen Yi smirked darkly at this, a devious look in his eyes as he finally

acknowledged the sliver of control he had in the situation; thrusting upwards
into the other once more to both of their own demises.

“Fuck-“ Ai Di breathed, bracing himself as he relented, letting the other male

take the lead for a moment as he leaned down to slot their lips together in a
messy kiss - their first one of the night - one that had colours bursting to
life behind Chen Yi’s eyelids as he sought to consume the younger’s mouth
as best as he could, wishing he had his hands free to draw the other closer…

When Ai Di eventually pulled away Chen Yi still chased those tempting lips,
unable to help the fucked-out smile that overtook his face following their
short make-out session; the high that he got whenever he kissed the
younger male still fresh on his tongue.

Ai Di was no better off either, looking absolutely dazed as he attempted to

regain his composure amids Chen Yi’s swiveling hips, moaning freely at that
length dragging perfectly inside him with every measured thrust he was
gifted.

“Wanna come, please… c-can I..?” Chen Yi begged softly, looking up at the
other with those dangerously obsessed eyes - knowing in his mind that if Ai
Di refused him he would still obey the command wholeheartedly.

After all, said heart didn’t belong to him anymore...

Although this was his thought process Chen Yi still couldn’t help the joy that
flooded through him at the assenting nod the younger gave, reaching up to
grab Chen Yi’s face with both hands, claiming the older’s mouth once more
as he allowed Chen Yi to tip them both blissfully over the edge…

As they both drew apart to catch their breath following their orgasms Ai Di
finally seemed to come back to himself, recalling what had brought upon this
sudden bought of dominance within him in the first place; gazing down at
the other with a familiar displeasure in his eyes.

“Ai Di…” Chen Yi whispered out low, once he’d recovered enough to
remember what words were, gaining the blonde’s intense attention in a
heartbeat.

“Youre cute when you’re jealous; even though there’s no reason for you to be
so.” The older hummed, smiling sweetly up at the younger, even as Ai Di
scowled down at him, shifting off of Chen Yi’s still-hardened cock with an
unconvinced huff, flushing lightly at the compliment.

And Chen Yi could tell that he was gradually winning the stubbborn boy over;
he just had to make sure Ai Di knew exactly how commited he was by the
end of this all…

“My hands are going numb.” The dark-haired male murmured then, glancing
imploringly up at the younger who expectedly shifted to loosen the rope
binding the older’s to the headboard immediately, not wanting to cause the
taller male any unnecessary discomfort.

So undeniably sweet beneath that spicy exterior…

Once his rope-burned wrists had been freed, however, Chen Yi wasted no
time in tugging his arms apart, using his greater reach to now drag the
smaller in for a deeper kiss, pressing his tounge past those pretty lips at the
sound of surprise the boy made, keeping the squirming younger close with a
firm hand around his waist.

When they finally separated following Chen Yi’s thorough exploration of the
blonde’s mouth the taller man tipped their foreheads together, as he
gathered the boys own wrists together with one hand, in a gentle reprieve -
the calm before the storm - gaze dark and dangerous as he spoke his next
sentence.

“Going to prove it to you. Right now. Exactly how much you mean to me…”
he promised, not giving the boy a chance to protest before Ai Di was taking
this place, now being flipped into the sheets and the struggling blonde’s
arms in turn being easily bound in turn, cursing the older’s name; in a
familiar image to the one during which Chen Yi had confessed to him.

Only the smaller hadn’t been quite as naked back then for his viewing
pleasure…

Ai Di was still very much cussing and refusing to stop thrashing even as Chen
Yi straddled him, eyes roving across the vast planes of snowy skin available
to him, reverently dragging his hands up the younger’s sides to flick his
thumbs up over the blonde’s hardened nipples - watching eagerly as Ai Di
gasped and arched into the touch - cutting off abruptly in his profanities;
unable to hold back the pretty moan that slipped from his lips as a result.

Chen Yi had then grinned widely down at the other, who glared up at him
instead, their roles so easily reversed as he appreciated drawing such visceral
reactions from the other, leaning down to whisper into the others ear just as
Ai Di had done for him.

“You can stop pretending to want to get free now, just relax and enjoy it…”
Chen Yi had hummed, appreciating the responding harsh nip he received on
his jawline from the other, bending lower with a smirk to return the favour,
dragging his lips along the unblemished skin of the shorter male’s
collarbone before sinking his teeth gently into the flesh, enough for Ai Di to
whimper a bit at the mild pain surging through him from the site.

Just how Chen Yi knew he liked it.

“Going to make you feel so good…” the dark-haired gangster had purred
sinfully, shifting off of the boy’s thighs now that he knew Ai Di was hazy
enough to not kick him off, taking the opportunity to hitch the blonde’s legs
apart and press his length back inside the shorter male without hesitation -
relishing in the delicious groan of oversensitivity this pulled out of the other.

Of course Chen Yi was still impossibly hard; what else could be expected
from him when he had the younger spread out oh so perfectly beneath his
hands…

“I need you to look at me Ai Di, please?” Chen Yi questioned sweetly,

reaching down between their bodies to grip the other man’s still erect cock -
glad to know the younger was once again equally as affected as he was; their
bodies in perfect sync to one another’s needs.

Ai Di had gasped a bit at this, eyes threatening to flutter shut at the pleasure
this action sent coursing through his entire body, obediently opening
suspicious brown eyes to leer up at the older before purposely averting then
in a clear act of defiance.

“I’ll put the blindfold on you instead.” Chen Yi smirked lightly, threat empty
even as Ai Di’s gaze snapped instantly back to his own at these words.

“You wouldn’t dare.” The blonde hissed, eyes narrowed even as Chen Yi
adjusted his grip on the younger’s cock and began jerking him off at a slow
pace to start, with Ai Di’s hips notably jolting upwards out of instinct.

“I want to explain what happened earlier tonight.” Chen Yi murmured,

leaning down further, arching his back in order to remain buried within the
boy while leveling his mouth with the pretty younger’s cock - Ai Di writhing
fruitlessly in his firm binds even as he knew what to expect even before the
older spoke his next words.

“You know I didn’t even look at her that way for a moment; I like boys Ai Di;
cute blonde boys with a tendancy towards violence.” Chen Yi confessed with
a soft smile, mouthing teasingly down the younger’s lower belly and thighs
as he continued.

“What would I even do if my beloved partner didn’t have a cute dick like this
for me to suck on, hmm?”

Chen Yi then licked hungrily over the boy’s length as promised, whispering
out a low ‘so wet for me’ and whitnessing the snowy skin pinken with both
arousal and indignance as Ai Di gazed down at him, breathlessly enraptured
for a moment before he recovered and resumed his protests a second later.
“You didn’t seem so sure of this earlier.” he hissed, hips stuttering as the
older then took him into the depths of his throat, swallowing around his
length as Ai Di spoke - knowing despite his opposing words he was certainly
going to come soon, never able to last long when Chen Yi got him in his
mouth…

“Of you I’m always sure…” Chen Yi confirmed instead, voice slightly huskier
after pulling off of the other’s cock with an audible sound, giving one last
teasing series of licks to the other’s sensitive cockhead that had Ai Di
shuddering in pleasure.

He then shifted focus to instead press the smaller male’s knees up against
his chest and properly fuck up into the other - signing pleasantly at the
familiar buzz under his skin the gentle rocking motion provided, ducking his
head down to nose along the side of Ai Di’s hair as he continued to make
love to the boy under him.

Even as he could tell he’d broken down the smaller man’s walls Chen Yi also
easily recognized that the boy was still holding himself back, hands clenched
tightly into fists where they were drawn up above him - continuing to deny
himself release at Chen Yi’s desire…

“Let go for me.” The darker-haired male said, gaze imploring the other to
stop restraining himself and to instead submit as much to his pleasure as to
both of their needs.

“Wasn’t I good for you, didn’t come until you said I could…” Chen Yi pressed,
appreciating the heated glide of his cock in and out of the boy for its subtle
distraction from the younger’s weighted thoughts - watching them untangle
as the blonde’s head emptied at the sensation.

“Fuck-wait Chen Yi this isn’t about-“ Ai Di began, eyes shutting tightly as he

attempted to protest before being cut off, visibly on the edge as his length
twitched and leaked profuously in protest of not being allowed to release yet.

“Isn’t about me, I know - it’s about making sure you know how irreplaceable
you are.” Chen Yi interrupted, continuing with a sterner, more dominant tone
as he fucked up into the younger with short, calculated thrusts - making
sure Ai Di could feel every ridge as it grazed his walls; essentially rearranging
the blonde’s guts.

“That’s why I need you to come for me Ai Di; I want to see you let go for me -
only ever want to look at you like that.” Chen Yi mumbled breathlessly,
clearly close to his own peak as he rutted slowly into the boy, grazing his
prostate on every motion - unable to hold back his honest words now that
the dam had been broken.

“Would never do this with anyone else you know…” He ranted, filter
abandoning him as his orgasm dug its metaphorical claws into him. “No one
else would feel as good - as soft or as warm as you are… so fucking
perfect…” Chen Yi panted out, vision unwavering as he met the younger’s
eyes with his own, with Ai Di finally having reopened his at these heartfelt
words, gaze soft and open at such a vivid claim.

No more fight in him, only pure untainted lust that spurred him to engage
and chase his high alongside the older male, drawing his legs up around
Chen Yi’s waist in order to drag the taller male deeper on each inward thrust,
wanting them both to come together.

“Fit so good around my cock…” Chen Yi purred out then - grinning widely
enough for his dimple to make an appearance, loving the active role that Ai
Di had now chosen to take in their lovemaking.

“You were made for me, only me.”

“Fuck- p-please Chen Yi I’m gonna-“ Ai Di had gasped out, unable to resist
pushing his hips down in order to meet the older’s as he moved, an
eagerness having overtaken the previous apprehension of the boy - knowing
he couldn’t refuse their mutual hunger for a second more.

“You’re gonna what? Come like you deserve to..?” Chen Yi bit out, trailing his
tounge up the throat of the shorter male; ensuring he traced his painful
lovebite he’d gifted the other with earlier, loving the shriek this drew out
from the boy, mercilessly enjoying how incoherent Ai Di had gotten for him
in the span of only a few minutes.

“Go ahead.” The dark-haired man growled, already so far gone as he

encouraged the other to join him in his depraved state…

“Wanna see you lose all semblance of control for me.”

And that was the tipping point...

Ai Di came between them once again, spilling against his own stomach as
Chen Yi followed him over the edge moment later, pressing deep inside the
boy in order to stake his claim, filling the younger up as he echoed the boy’s
pretty moan with a deeper one of his own.
The heat that had formerly simmered in Chen Yi gently faded after his
orgasm, leaving the blissful haze of their shared pleasure as the only thing
that remained - with the older male still feeling wonderfully satisfied by their
connection; not having drawn out from the boy yet.

He wished they could be this close at all times, that Ai Di could somehow be
etched into his skin at all times, a permenant representation of his love
above his heart - maybe as a tattoo of the boy’s name..?

He was cut off from these distracting thoughts by said blonde still squirming
slightly beneath him, with Ai Di still shuddering lightly through the
aftershocks of his orgasm, breath catching as tingles of pleasure
overwhelmed his smaller form.

Chen Yi took the moment to gently free the younger’s wrists, trying not to
overstimulate them shorter male with any unnecessary touches, carefully
pulling them free and rubbing soothing patterns into the rope burn marks
circling the boy’s hands that mirrored his own - a dark pleasure filling him at
the sight of their matching marks.

Once the boy had settled a bit Chen Yi shifted to lean back over him,
pressing a tender kiss to each bruised wrist in turn before raising his eyes to
meet the younger’s lidded gaze, with Ai Di’s own so perfectly liquid and open
- all the fight of their previous disagreement having been fucked out of the
younger.

Even so, as he stroked a hand gently through the younger’s hair, Chen Yi still
wanted to fully clarify how much the blonde mean to him.

How no one else would ever remotely compare in his eyes - but in a way that
he knew the younger would understand…

“You remember how I told you that I would only give you a second before
following?” The older finally hummed, awaiting the boy’s soft nod of
confirmation before continuing with his words, content with knowing that he
had the other’s full attention.

“It’s only like that with you.” Chen Yi continued, leaning down to gently trace
the smaller man’s pec with the tip of his nose, lips settling over an erratically
fluttering heartbeat as he mouthed across the left side of Ai Di’s chest,
adoring the slight gasp of sensitivity and the fingers tangling painfully in his
hair seeking out some form of support against the pleasure.

“If anyone else were to go I would survive it.”

“But there would be no point to living for me if you were gone.” Chen Yi
finally explained, appreciating the soft, nervous sob that his words garnered
from the listening boy, glancing up to find that Ai Di was crying once again,
the mild influx of emotion still too much for his body in its current fragile
state - hence the tears trailing down the boy’s face at the older’s sweet
words.

Ai Di was quiet for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak, tripping
slightly over his own jumbled thoughts for a minute before he found the
words he wanted to say.

“You really like me t-that much..?” The blonde questioned softly, visibly
seeking reassurance that the older male was more than a bit eager to provide
- Chen Yi’s face splitting into a wide grin at the inquiry as he gently thumbed
away the tear tracks alongside the blonde’s face.

“I love you more than you’ll ever know Ai Di.” He promised, unwavering in his
conviction as the shorter male seemed to finally understand the gravity of his
affection from this disclosure, joining the older and smiling weakly as well
with a breathy ‘really?’; living for Chen Yi’s devoted gaze and words.

“Really.” He confirmed, knowing they were both a bit tired already, but going
off of pure adrenaline as he moved to wrap the boy’s arms around his neck
and hoist the younger legs up at his waist - picking the other up and
carrying them both off to the shower - not wanting to place Ai Di down yet in
fear of the blonde’s knees buckling.

Once they were both fully showered and dressed, with Ai Di having only
donned one of Chen Yi’s shirts as per their usual routine after sex - enjoying
the scent of the older on and around his otherwise bare person - they had
sat down at the kitchen island, with the younger being seated on the taller
male’s lap as they examined the cake Chen Yi had ended up bringing home.

“It’s almost salvageable.” Ai Di had murmured sarcastically, tilting his head

as they both looked at the open box before them, now housing a misshaped
blob of pastry that had once said ‘happy birthday’, the iced words now more
closely resembling jibberish as they melted under the heat of the lit number
candles above them.

Once midnight hit they had both blown out said candles, wishing each other
a soft happy birthday with twin smiles on their faces, giggling like children
for a moment as they recognized how ridiculous they must look, with Ai Di
snuggling closer into the older’s embrace - appreciating their closeness as
he moved to actually try the dessert.

“I was actually on my way to Zong Yi’s too y’know.” Ai Di hummed around his
mouthful of cake. “That’s how I got there so fast.” He continued, using his
fork to scoop up a decently sized bite ratio of frosting to actual cake for the
older.

“This one’s still pretty good though. Try it for yourself.” Ai Di shrugged,
turning enough on Chen Yi’s lap to face the older with the fork; and although
his words had been spoken innocently, the dart of the older’s gaze down to
his lips had Ai Di suspecting the taller male’s thoughts weren’t quite as pure
as his own…

This was essentially confirmed as Chen Yi instead took the fork and moved
to feed his bite to Ai Di, hardly waiting for the other’s lips to close around
the fork before pulling the utensil away and replacing it with his mouth,
pressing his tounge inside the smaller boy’s mouth at his sound of surprise
the unexpected kiss earned him.

The tips of Ai Di’s ears were flushed red when Chen Yi finally pulled away,
the blonde’s mouth having essentially being devoured instead of the cake -
though the older had still licked his lips with a low mutter of ‘delicious’,
clearly intent on driving the younger crazy…

The dark-haired male then took things a step further, dragging two fingers
through the mess of a dessert before trailing his wandering hand south,
pressing his cake-covered digits into the younger where he was still open
from earlier - smirking at the responding jolt of overstimulation and the
resounding moan the action drew out of the smaller.

Taking the other male’s lack of protest as consent for his next actions Chen
Yi then shifted focus - proceeding to push the cake aside, pressing Ai Di
onto the counter in its place and hitching the shirt up over the other’s ass,
tugging the boy back with full intentions to taste his sweetened entrance.

All Ai Di’s promises of buying a new cake flying out the door as he instead
found himself being the substitute - both their minds quickly abandoning
the dessert as they sought instead to enjoy each other on their special day.

After all, they had all the time in the world to do so now…
 BLUE Nocturne
00

"Do you know you're shaking, Eddie?"

Chen Yi held Eddie's neck with his palm, rubbed Eddie's lower lip with his
right thumb, and gently played with his Adam's apple with his left thumb,
with a lazy and confident smile on his lips. Looking into each other's eyes,
Chen Yi couldn't help but be excited by the love that overflowed after putting
aside the layers of disguise. He could feel his body stirring, and the emotions
that had been accumulated for many years without even knowing it exploded
in an instant. First, he gently pecked his lips with tentative tenderness, and
then he stepped forward and could no longer suppress his surging desire.
Only when he had the whole person in his own hands would the world return
to normal.

It seems that it is more suitable for us to come directly.

01

Eddie still remembers the feeling of his lips and teeth sucking on his neck.

His hands pressed him firmly onto the bed, and his eyes full of emotion
made people unable to move. Somewhat in a daze and some in disbelief, he
sat blankly on the bed and touched the side of his neck with his left hand,
rubbing his fingertips gently.

"The boss will always be the boss, the benefactor who raised us to
adulthood."

"I just figured it out, Eddie."

What does this mean? What's the meaning? He...he pulled me onto the bed
and he wanted to kiss me.

He wanted to do it with me.

Eddie tried hard to restore what happened in his mind, but belatedly fell in
love with the warmth of his embrace, falling into the deep eyes that he had
never seen before. Eddie couldn't understand the emotion in it but was
trembling with it. He could feel that Chen Yi had changed, as if he had
become what he expected. But Eddie couldn't believe it. The pain in his
memories was too deep for him to believe that something he thought was
hopeless fell into his hands like this.

When you open the drawer, you can see piles of chokers. Different styles
include ones he bought himself and some given by Chen Yi. I picked up the
fifteenth birthday present I first got, and it already had some traces of time
on it.

Yes, after all, they were items from seven years ago, and wear and tear was
inevitable after being worn every day since I first got them. But after all, the
genuine leather is in pretty good condition. Eddie looked at it with a
nostalgic smile, and many memories of those years in the Yiyun League
flashed through his mind, fighting together, bleeding and shouting together,
rushing to the front to fight while he stood behind him and gave orders.

Do you want to put it back on? Want... to go back?

After putting it on, it seemed to be bound to something. It was obviously just

an accessory, but it gave Eddie a sense of security. He couldn't explain why
he loved wearing it so much before. Maybe he just felt that Chen Yi would be
around after wearing it.

Eddie looked at himself in the mirror. He still had the same blond hair and
the same clothes as before. Four years had only left his scarred heart still
riddled with holes, and it seemed that he had not left any traces on his
body. .

After a long time, Eddie solemnly picked it up and put it on. Eddie smiled
bitterly.

It's truly the same as before.

Just like when I haven't quit Yiyun League and haven't escaped from him.

He stared blankly ahead, not knowing whether this was right or wrong, or
maybe it was his own fault this time. He didn't dare to gamble or guess. His
courage had been exhausted here.

The fearful life in prison made him truly appreciate the outside world. He
realized with a wry smile that he was actually taken care of before. He was
still attached to his side but did not dare to go back. He could only
strengthen one line of defense after another. shield.
Feeling that there would be no results if he continued to think about it with
his head, Eddie stood up suddenly, made sure to put his wallet and cell
phone in his pocket, and left.

The strawberry cake is definitely delicious.

02

As long as he sits in the same seat, the image of Chen Yi holding a pillow will
appear in Eddie's mind and he won't be able to get rid of it, and he will laugh
when he thinks about it.

As night fell, the bar was open during business hours, with lively noises and
loud music. Eddie was casually drinking a cocktail and looking around the
store. It made Eddie sway his body to the rhythm. Although he didn't
understand the reason for the pillow, Eddie couldn't help but snicker. It
seemed that it was actually useful, that thing.

"Little Didi, you are back! We must have a good time, right?"

Faced with the familiar guest Eddie who put on a smile to greet him, Chen Yi
was temporarily forgotten. Anyway, no matter how much he thought about it,
he still couldn't get the answer, so he might as well drink and have fun.

"How about we, let's play the king's game today!"

Eddie was stunned for three seconds when he saw the cheers of the crowd.
Time flashed back to that day when he watched him drive away with the
taillights of the car. At that time, Bai Zongyi was still fine and he pretended
to be drunk and ran to find A Rui. He was hugged by Chen Yi. Lou is still just
a brother.

Dude, ha. Thinking of this, Eddie laughed and spoke.

"Of course! Come on, come on, everyone is going to have fun today, and the
atmosphere is going to get lively, okay? Let's have a drink first."

After taking the initiative to drink a drink, Eddie mobilized his emotions to
heat up the atmosphere. The bar was now his territory, and he no longer had
to think about that bastard Chen Yi. Familiar yet confusing lights, repeated
rhythms and music, different illusions are reflected through the light in the
glass. This is now his world.
The game had already gone on for several rounds while the wine was
flowing. In these rounds, Eddie was not called and instead became the king
for once. He was still shouting that this was really boring and boring, but the
younger brothers behind him were silent and kept exchanging glances.

Eddie glanced back and curled his lips in boredom. When the king gave the
order, he spoke suggestively.

"It's boring to sit around all the time. How about choosing No. 3?"

"Hey, hey, are our little Eddie going to throw himself into a trap now?"

"Not sure. Maybe I'm just talking nonsense. Who knows."

"Well everyone, this time we are going to listen to little Eddie who has
returned from abroad!"

"Since everyone agrees, I will choose No. 3 and——"

"number 6."

The sudden appearance of a deep voice silenced the entire audience.

Unconsciously, the crowd had dispersed and Chen Yi grabbed the cards from
the people next to him. He looked at Eddie with a smile but returned to his
usual poker face when facing everyone.

"Please don't mess with Chen Yi."

He looked down at Eddie's hand that grabbed his collar, pulled it away and
held it in his hand.

"Coming to cause trouble? I'm here to play games with you."

When his back was turned to Eddie, the eyes he looked at others were cold
and piercing.

"So it's decided on numbers 3 and 6."

"Ha...oh yeah."

Before anyone else had time to react, Chen Yi took Eddie's hand and walked
forward, picked up the dice and threw it casually.

bite lips

The moment the dice stopped, Eddie's eyes widened, while Chen Yi showed a
triumphant smile. He pulled Eddie into his arms with force and controlled
him to prevent him from breaking away.
"What, Eddie, aren't you going to do it?"

"Fuck off, I want to drink to you."

Chen Yi lowered his head and his lips were so close but there was no contact.

"Everyone is having a great time, why are you so relieved, huh?"

"Shut up--"

Eddie's eyes widened when Chen Yi bit it. The cheers around him were
ringing one after another, but Eddie couldn't pay attention. He could only feel
the warm temperature of Chen Yi's hands and lips that controlled him. The
sticky touch teased his nerves. He had no resistance to Chen Yi's touch.
Eddie closed his eyes and felt it all.

At that moment, he decided to believe it.

When he came to his senses, Chen Yi had already backed away and said
something to the others. Eddie didn't hear clearly because he had already
been pulled away. By the time he came back to his senses and tried to break
free, he had already lost the opportunity and was already stuffed into the car.

"Chen Yi, what do you want to do?"

"Take you home."

"Damn it, Chen Yi, I'm telling you that I'm no longer a member of the Yiyun
League. Do you have a broken ear or a broken brain and a short-term
memory loss? I'm telling you -"

"You and I, our home."

Eddie opened his mouth but couldn't make a sound. The hands on his legs
curled up. The deep emotions in Chen Yi's eyes that were so thick that he
couldn't get rid of them left him speechless. He could only turn his head and
look out the window in anger without saying anything. One word.

03

Eddie was carried all the way to the bed. Although he was not thrown like last
time, Chen Yi grabbed his hands and raised them above his head and
pressed them on the bed.

"When will you stop being so crazy?"

Eddie couldn't get away, so he had to stare at Chen Yi fiercely.

"Chen Yi, why do you care about me now? What's wrong with me playing in
my territory?"

"If you want to play in the future, you can come to me and I will accompany
you until the end."

"..."

"How come you can't afford to play anymore? Oh, I couldn't let go before I
forgot you."

"Damn...you think I'm afraid of you."

"Huh? Come if you're not afraid."

Chen Yi lowered his head and blew gently into Eddie's ear. Eddie's shrinking
head turned to the other side, and Chen Yi straightened Eddie's face with his
right hand.

"look at me."

Chen Yi lowered his head and kissed Eddie gently on his forehead, his
eyelids, and the tip of his nose. The hand that was suppressing his head
gradually let go, but Eddie's body was limp and motionless.

"Now I will always watch you."

Chen Yi wrapped his hands around Eddie's cheeks, forcing their eyes to
meet. Chen Yi's thumb felt the texture of a choker, and he kissed the corner
of Eddie's mouth with a gentle smile.

When he really looked into Eddie's eyes, he saw such strong emotions for the
first time. He was so excited that he trembled. He couldn't help but increase
his strength and kissed her lips. In the confusion, Chen Yi found Eddie's hand
gently resting on his arm.

Close your eyes together, a rare and warm entanglement. Chen Yi knew that
he had never forgotten the temperature that night, and he believed that
Eddie had too.

After sucking Eddie's upper lip and then letting go, Chen Yi watched Eddie
slowly open his eyes, first confused and then awake. At that moment the
situation reversed, Eddie turned around and pressed Chen Yi under him.

"Fuck, Chen Yi, let me tell you, I will definitely let you return it."
Eddie's hand pinched Chen Yi's neck, but Chen Yi knew clearly that he didn't
increase his strength at all, he just held it. Eddie stared fiercely, while Chen
Yi just smiled and kissed his hand.

"Then you sleep with me tonight."

Eddie's eyes widened in surprise, and his hand unconsciously relaxed, and
Chen Yi stretched out his hand to hold him in his arms.

"Chen Yi, you..."

"It's just sleeping. Or are you looking forward to it?"

This was the first time Eddie felt that Chen Yi's face and his smile deserved a
beating, so he stretched out his hand to push his face away.

"Stop being so sentimental!"

"If not, just sleep well."

"...Who wants to sleep with you?...Let go, I will definitely give you a good
look! Just wait for me!"

Eddie forcefully left the room and slammed the door so hard that the walls of
the room shook. Chen Yi sat up and looked at Eddie's back, then fell back on
the bed without any strength, looked sideways at the empty seat, and smiled
again. .

04

In fact, Eddie couldn't explain why he took the knife to fight back to the hall.
He just wanted to ask the matter clearly so that it wouldn't be so
troublesome, but he did it.

Later, he thought that maybe no matter how he went around, he would still
come back to Chen Yi.

When he opened his eyes, he still fell into a warm embrace. The decoration
of the room that should have been familiar had changed a lot, but the people
behind him were still the same as before - not like this. Chen Yi had changed
and Eddie knew it clearly in his heart.

His arms were folded across his chest, his back pressed against his chest,
and his whole body fell into its embrace. When he first woke up, Eddie was
still in a trance, wondering if he was actually dreaming. He sat up in a daze
but couldn't get away easily. When he tried to exert force, he was pulled back
to the bed.

"Morning Eddie, where are you going?"

Ah, it's not a dream. When Eddie looked at Chen Yi's softened face from
bottom to top, he only had this thought in his mind. He remembered
everything about last night but still... couldn't believe it. After slowly turning
his head around everything that happened last night, Eddie stretched out his
hand and tapped the tip of Chen Yi's nose.

"You are so afraid of me running away."

The raised tone of voice showed the client's pride, and the raised corners of
his mouth could not be suppressed at all. After last night, Eddie completely
felt the love from Chen Yi. Although the process was a little painful and a
little twisty, his eyes only looked at himself, and his voice called his name. All
sensory stimulations were created together. , Eddie narrowed his eyes and
smiled contentedly.

"How about moving back here? Come with me."

Chen Yi's hand supporting Eddie's side held his cheek, and then he lowered
his head and kissed Eddie before he could speak. Their lips touched each
other lightly and then they rubbed each other's hands, with unrestrained
affection flowing through them. Both parties were indulged in it, enjoying
being surrounded by the warmth of each other's love.

Just when Chen Yi kissed down to his Adam's apple, Eddie stretched out his
hand and pushed Chen Yi away slightly.

"You...you wait a moment."

But Chen Yi grabbed Eddie's hand that pushed away his shoulder, placed a
kiss on the palm, brought his hand to the side of his neck and interlocked
their fingers, turned his head and rubbed his cheek, looking at Eddie with his
deep eyes without saying a word. .

When Chen Yi kissed Eddie's palm, he shrank, and then he could only look at
Chen Yi dumbly. The warmth of his hand on the side of his neck, his hand
tightly covering his own sense of security, when the distance As he got closer
and closer, Eddie relaxed his strength and slowly closed his eyes.

The feeling of immersing yourself peacefully in the love he gives you is

addictive and intoxicating.
When desire burst out, his tongue was pulled numb. All Eddie could do was
to hold Chen Yi tightly, wrap his warm hands around his body, and the
intoxicating stimulation ignited his whole body. Kissing passionately and
intertwined, it was obvious that they had spent the whole night together last
night, but nothing was enough. Their lips and teeth bit the skin, leaving red
marks, but the pain could not awaken the reason, they just pulled each other
deeper and deeper.

But when Chen Yi's hand reached behind Eddie, Eddie, who felt something
strange, suddenly opened his eyes intelligently, grabbed Chen Yi's shoulders
with both hands and pushed hard away.

"Hey Chen Yi, aren't you enough?"

Looking at Eddie's wide-open eyes, Chen Yi raised the corners of his mouth
with a smile and kissed him directly, ignoring his struggle.

The room reflected a blur of purple. The hand that fell on the bed sheet
tightly grasped the bed sheet, and then was covered by another much larger
hand with ten fingers intertwined. The strength of the legs wrapped around
the waist made Chen Yi laugh, but he could see The sight before me made it
all worth it.

——It’s not enough, it’s never enough, even your whole life is never enough.

They've wasted four years, so there's no time left to waste.

Those four years... It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that it was

fragmented. Whenever I think back to that night, I think of his arms, his kiss,
and his voice, which are the strength of support and the source of pain.

His lips and teeth gnawed at the skin. It was painful and intoxicating for the
first time, but when I think about it, I feel alive.

The painful memories of the past are constantly circling, weaving layers of
protective shields in the small corner where the sky cannot be seen, and
blood is flowing in the shadow of the sword, but these scenes cannot cause
waves in the heart because the scars in the heart are too deep.

Eddie doesn't know if the love from Chen Yi has healed the wounds of the
past. He only knows that what he asked for is everything.
The one with a bad face, the one who is blind, the one who gets angry when
he doesn't agree, the one who has negative emotional intelligence; the one
who is responsible, protects him, looks at him, and loves him.

Eddie is a person who likes something that will last a long time, spicy food,
accessories, so Chen Yi too.

What he asks for is all Chen Yi's love, and he will never let it go once he gets
it.

There is absolutely no one in this world who can take away his things.

end

In fact, Eddie's petite body seemed to be broken at the touch of a touch. This
was Chen Yi's sudden thought recently.

In fact, I knew this every time I held him in my arms, but his fiery temper and
outstanding skills confused everything.

Lying on the bed, looking at Eddie who was sleeping soundly in his arms, he
stretched out his hand to straighten his messy bangs. He groaned and put
his head into his chest. Chen Yi slightly hooked the corner of his mouth and
left a kiss on his forehead. The body in his arms is obviously so slender, the
skin is so white and soft, and the sleeping face is so innocent. Eddie is
completely different from the usual Eddie.

But it is true that he is very powerful, the scratches on his back and the
strength when his feet are wrapped around his waist are the best proof.

Eddie's eyes narrowed when he felt the pleasure. His eyes were red and filled
with tears, but he shouted threatening words to himself. He pretended to be
tough, but in fact, it was broken by a poke, and then he collapsed under his
body with a look that relied on him wholeheartedly.

At that time, Chen Yi wanted to bully him a little more, let his voice
completely leak out, and watch him beg for mercy, soften, and surrender to
him.

But apart from that, Chen Yi prefers Eddie's undisguised attachment eyes.

After being together, Chen Yi found that he enjoyed being watched by Eddie.

After peeling off the disguise in his eyes, the innocence and complete trust
will become addictive and make you more and more addictive after
experiencing it a few times. Chen Yi found that he was increasingly unable to
accept Eddie's focus on people and things other than himself. He knew it was
unreasonable but he couldn't control it.

The skin under Choker was full of red marks, and she couldn't let go of the
hand holding his waist. The smell on his neck was completely opposite to his
fiery temper. It was a light, addictive and comfortable smell.

Chen Yi completely accompanies those events that Eddie deliberately held in

the bar, and they kissed with the smell of alcohol under the blurred lights
and ambiguous music. But Chen Yi would cover Eddie tightly because he
didn't want people to see Eddie's obsessed expression at that time.

Indulging him in playing and making fun, and watching him carefree and
excited can be satisfying, but after playing for a while, he will look back, look
at himself with bright eyes and call his name. At this time, Chen Yi Will step
forward and give him a reassuring kiss.

Chen Yi once thought that the Yiyun League was everything to him, and the
recognition of the boss was his lifelong pursuit. He only saw these and
ignored all the scenery around him, and almost missed the love of his life.

But now Chen Yi believes that this is life.

With Eddie by his side, watching him smile, getting angry, and making
trouble, Chen Yi will spend the rest of his life taking care of him, protecting
him, and making him happy for the rest of his life.

When the fragments of the world return to normal, when they no longer
resist gravity and stay by his side, their lives will be complete.
 Take my life and use it wisely
“Find someone who’ll die for you.”

Ai Di had always known that he might end up being the one but somehow, it
still came as a surprise when it really happened.

Ai Di had promised to help.

Despite trying for four years to get over the man, to accept that their paths
would never cross, that whatever thread had connected them had been cut,
he still hadn’t been able to say no when Chen Yi had asked for his help.
In fact, it had been rather embarrassing how fast he’d agreed.

“Okay”, he’d said like the fool he was, heart tensing up so hard it was
difficult to breathe.
“I’ll be the one to contact you”, he’d promised, bleeding inside out.
“Find better right hand men”, he’d half joked, “So they can die for you when
you’re in danger.”

Because he had failed in this position.

Because he couldn’t endure Chen Yi getting hurt, getting wounded. It was the
one thing he feared even more than being close to the man, after all he’d
done. And despite the fact, that it was him who’d hurt Chen Yi four years
back.

And still ... and still, Chen Yi didn’t push him away but pulled him closer
instead. Too close, in fact, making Ai Di’s brain freeze and reboot and come
up with a thousand forbidden scenarios, never before thought of, never
before dared to.

Ai Di threw himself into finding out more, into distracting himself and
making himself useful in the only way he was allowed to. The only way he
should be allowed to by his own rules and by the universe.

What he found, made him freeze up, every alarm bell in his body ringing.

“Fuck.”

On the outskirt it might have looked easy, barely worth the trouble to even
get involved with the last lingering members of the Fan family already sent
away. Ai Di had even wondered if Chen Yi had maybe exaggerated the threat,
because if he’d known the true extent, he wouldn’t have had time for calm
talks and half attempts at flirting.
Of course, it might all be a mistake, a horrible misunderstanding, but once Ai
Di managed to make out a connection between the Fan family and a member
of Chen Yi’s own group, he couldn’t seem to stop finding more. And more.
And even more.

If he was right, and every nerve in his body screamed that it was the case,
Chen Yi wasn’t only in a bit of danger.
If he was, it was a wonder, Chen Yi was still alive.

Ai Di was sure that it could only mean one thing: Someone inside had talked.
And Ai Di’s sacrifice, outside of protecting Bai Zong Yi had been for nothing.

Despite everyone’s efforts, Chen Yi had never been off the Fan’s hitlist and
right in front of everyone’s eyes, they’d already infiltrated his closest circle.

Why had no one seen it? Why had no one realised? It couldn’t be that Ai Di
was the first one to notice, could it? Or was he wrong? Reading all the signs
in the worst way possible?

He swallowed, staring at the notes he’d made, the connections he’d drawn.

“Fuck”, he mumbled again, too stunned by fear to put any real heat into it.
“Fuck ...”

Ai Di only knew that he’d been hit when his legs stopped working. He’d
already hit the ground but when he tried to get up, to move, to kill the fucker
who had dared to shoot at Chen Yi, he couldn’t. As stupid as it sounded, he
couldn’t.

Fuck.

“Ai Di?”

The question was one of confusion which was probably because Ai Di had
tackled Chen Yi from behind.

“Hurry”, Ai Di urged, screamed, mumbled, still trying to turn and get up,
move, just move, “The shooter ... hurry, he’ll try to kill you, you have to hurry
Chen Yi!”

It was to no avail, his legs seemed glued to the ground and his hand felt too
heavy to lift. At least he was still lying on top of Chen Yi, providing some
kind of shield. And he hoped, that someone of their gang was still loyal to
him, ready to kill the shooter, to protect their boss, his friend, his brother,
his ...

“Ai Di!”

Frantic hands started to shake him or maybe he was shaking already, the
cold creeping in as he stared at Chen Yi’s panicked expression. He wanted to
shout at the man, wanted to tell him not to worry, not to care but for himself.
All he could utter though was a weird noise, one he couldn’t even understand
himself.

“Ai Di!”

Ha, Ai Di felt like smiling, even if his cheeks were frozen in time.
So, he was truly dying, wasn’t he?

He should have known he would be the one to die for Chen Yi, for the man
he’d sworn to give his life for since they’d met. It shouldn’t have come as a
surprise, but as he lay there, gaze fixed on Chen Yi as if he could shield him
from more bullets like that, he still found himself amazed by the realisation.

Maybe, he thought and wished he could lift his hand enough to brush against
Chen Yi’s cheek one last time, his time in prison hadn’t been enough to
atone for his sins.
Maybe, he’d forever been destined to live his life for Chen Yi and to end it for
him as well.
Maybe, each of his choices had led to this point, this moment.
Maybe ...

As the corners of his vision were blurring already, Chen Yi’s face remained in
the centre, always in focus. Something unspeakable was going on behind
those familiar eyes, in those quiet screams Chen Yi was unleashing.

Will this be enough?, Ai Di wanted to ask although he’d promised never to

ask for forgiveness since he didn’t deserve it anyway.
Have I done well?

And as the darkness swallowed him whole, he could feel nothing but the cold
settle into his bones. There was no regret, no fear left, only hope, that he’d
fulfilled his duty and that he’d given Chen Yi a little more time on this earth.
Just a little longer ...

“Ai Di!”
Ai Di got startled awake the way a bear woke up from hibernation: slow and
confused and weirded out by the noises around him.

They sounded as if they came from behind a curtain, cut off from him,
hidden behind a wall of fog and darkness.

“You”, there was a sharp voice, cutting like a blade with the hint of a threat
laced in between, “You said he’s about to wake up but he doesn’t move!”

Why was the first thing he heard, after dying, Chen Yi’s voice?
And why, although the rest of the world still felt confusing and weird to him,
did he have no problem imagining Chen Yi as he spoke? Why was it so easy
to understand his voice, to connect to his words?

Ai Di felt himself groan involuntarily and suddenly someone was close, right
next to him, warm skin against cold skin, laboured breathing giving him a
new rhythm.

“Ai Di!”

“I told you”, this must be the nurse, “He’s waking up but it takes time. Still,
his heart is working and his data looks fine so far.”

A hand took Ai Di’s and he was weak enough to wish to cling to it.

“He has to be okay”, the familiar, rough voice said, “He has to.”

“He will be”, the nurse replied, “Just give him time.”

“He’s taken years already”, Chen Yi whispered, sending a shiver across Ai Di’s
exhausted body, “I need him to come back.”

Years?

The word got stuck in Ai Di’s head, his mind reeling over it. Had he been
sleeping for years? Had he been dead for years? Because this had to be the
afterlife, didn’t it? But did it mean Chen Yi was dead as well? Had he even
died before him?

The thought struck terror in his heart and Ai Di fought to open his eyes, at
least a little, so that he could see, so that he could make sure that Chen Yi
was alright.

And still, a selfish part of his, buried deep in his veins, was giddy about
being reunited with Chen Yi, with having him by his side once more. Even if it
was in the afterlife, even ...
Chen Yi!

Ai Di finally managed to crack one eye open and the sight of him, of Chen Yi,
of the man, of HE who should be alive and well, attacked him first thing.

Chen Yi ... his lips moved but he couldn’t speak, his throat burning as if he’d
ate a Carolina Reaper.

“Water”, Chen Yi suddenly hurried, his face still a bit blurry but his voice
distinct, his presence overwhelming, “He needs water.”

Not water, Ai Di wanted to say, still thinking about the chili but losing
against the exhaustion in his body.

Soon there was something wet at his lips, cooling the burning sensation, a
drop of heaven in this weird state of his mind.

“Chen Yi”, he finally managed to murmur, ready to fall back asleep. He only
held on because of the man next to him, because of the touch of his hand,
the urge to stay close, to cling and never let go.

“It’s okay, Ai Di”, the voice was soft now, maybe softer than he’d heard it for
years, “I won’t go anywhere. You’re safe.”

Ai Di couldn’t trust the voice, couldn’t believe this was real, but he believed
the touch of the hand which hadn’t let go, not even once.

As Ai Di learned a little later, he’d been very lucky. He’d lost a lot of blood
but no important organs had been hit and only one of his legs had received a
rather brutal hit. Apparently, his artificial coma hadn’t even been that long,
although the darkness had felt eternal already. He still felt a little sluggish
and disoriented, as if each part of his body needed to wake up after another.

“It’s an effect of the painkillers as well”, the nurse explained after Ai Di was
finally able to sit up, “It takes time to get back from what you experienced,
but luckily your guardian angel took good care of you.”

Guardian angel? Ai Di wanted to laugh but only managed to cough.

“And your partner, of course”, the nurse turned back to him after inspecting
the monitors and winked.

“Who?”

His mouth felt weirdly dry again, although he’d just taken a sip.
“Your partner”, now she was grinning, “The tall one who tries to be menacing
and will come through this door in about three minutes. Tops.”

“What?”

His vocabulary needed a reboot as well, okay?

She looked at her watch and then shrugged: “He’s fascinatingly punctual, I
have to admit.”

Of course Ai Di knew who she meant. There weren’t many people who fit the
description, even if the punctual remark seemed a bit off. But at least it
meant Chen Yi was still alive instead of waiting for him in the afterlife and
that was all that mattered. Not his own life, not the fact that the bullet had
been way too close to some vital organs, nor that he might have a limp in
one of his legs forever if the nerves were as damaged as the doctors
suspected.

“Time will tell”, the nurse had said after the doctor had told Ai Di the news.
She’d been a bit surprised about his calm demeanor, but she couldn’t have
known that he didn’t care. That he cared for nothing but Chen Yi’s life. Even
that he would have died happily if it had meant saving the man.

To be honest, he’d already accepted death. At least until he’d woken up full
of pain in the hospital bed, realising with a pang that he was still alive.

If he was alive, it changed everything.

If he and Chen Yi were both alive, Ai Di wished himself to another planet.
Just so they didn’t have to have another talk. Because suddenly, everything
he’d tried to forget, was back again. A reality he couldn’t ignore any longer.
Or maybe another sliver of hope which he didn’t even deserve.

The very next second, the door got pushed open so violently, it crashed into
the wall and swung back into the intruder. Or it would have, if Chen Yi hadn’t
already marched further inside, his eyes frantically searching for Ai Di,
scanning his body from top to bottom, hair to toe. At least what he was able
to see above the blanket.
And Ai Di? Ai Di blushed, face suddenly so hot he was afraid to touch it. But
just as he wanted to turn away, to hide his own face, his eyes took in Chen
Yi’s figure properly for the first time since he’d woken up.

“What the fuck?!”

It was Chen Yi for sure, the very man he’d known for most of his life, the one
he’d submitted his life to, no matter the consequences.
But across his face, there was a scar, fresh and red, a warning and a memory.
It was a reason for fury, a reason for regret, as if Ai Di could have prevented
it, if he’d tried a little harder. And he wondered, he ...

Chen Yi didn’t stop, didn’t even seem to worry at Ai Di’s swear, but ran right
to his side, hands at Ai Di’s cheeks before his feet had even halted.

And before one could utter a word, before Ai Di could push him away, before
he could be swallowed by the earth, he was being kissed. Hard.

It was a repetition of four years ago, a shock to Ai Di’s weak system, a

revelation, a revolution.
It was Chen Yi’s lips on his, as unfaltering as the grip of his hands on Ai Di’s
face. Trembling hands, as Ai Di realised absentmindedly, eyes still wide,
brain frozen.

Maybe this was the afterlife after all? A dream, born out of his fantasies?

Something in him switched, a buried yearning coming back to life, and his
fragile body couldn’t resist the temptation, the offer and Ai Di kissed back.

There was no slow start, no in between. What connected them was pure want
and desperation, something animalistic and feral demanding to be fed.

Ai Di kissed the way he’d wanted to kiss after he’d come back. He kissed as
if he’d never had anything to regret, as if nothing had gone wrong between
them. He kissed with all the fury and love in his core, determined to take
what he got, even if this was the last time.

“Ahem ...”

They stopped. Chen Yi’s hands were still cupping Ai Di’s face and Ai Di’s
fingers were still curled into Chen Yi’s jacket, but they stopped, for a
moment, rudely pulled out of their little bubble.

“What?”, Chen Yi asked but still looked at Ai Di, eyes never leaving, his voice
hoarse.

At least now Ai Di had a very clear idea why she’d thought of him as his
partner.

Her tone of voice was factual: “I advise you to take it slowly. For now, at least.
He’s just learned to breathe on his own again.”
A hint of embarrassment and regret snuck into Chen Yi’s gaze and he
scanned Ai Di’s face worryingly. Ai Di still had no idea how to handle being
looked at so closely by Chen Yi and the heat in his skin seemed to double.

“Also”, the nurse fake coughed once more, “The doctor will come to visit in
about half an hour. She’s going to do a check-up, just so you know.”

For a second, Ai Di wondered why she’d even tell them but then he
remembered what was being monitored currently and it hit him like a brick.
There was a heart monitor and if Chen Yi continued like this ... Ai Di wasn’t
one to easily embarrass, but when it was about Chen Yi, he couldn’t stop the
blush.

“Okay”, Chen Yi’s grip tightened.

“Till later”, the nurse muttered and almost instantly after, the closing door
was to be heard and they were finally alone.

Finally?
The nervousness and doubts seemed to deepen, but Ai Di didn’t move, just
kept sitting still as Chen Yi’s scarred face seemed to loosen up, emotions
overflowing those well-beloved eyes and brows. Ai Di wondered if it had
really been only a few days, because Chen Yi looked as if he’d aged a decade.

“You’re alive”, the whispered words jerked him out of his observations and Ai
Di swallowed before letting out a dry laugh.

“Seems like it. I seriously wouldn’t have bet on it.”

Chen Yi frowned and leaned his forehead against Ai Di’s with a little more
force than necessary. The bonk stung but Ai Di was glad of it, the touch
feeling more real than anything else that had happened.

They parted and Chen Yi was scowling but still unwilling to let go completely.

“Bastard”, he hissed, “What did you even think?”

Ai Di shrugged and coughed and looked to the side at Chen Yi’s white
knuckles, holding on to his shoulder.

“You’re still alive. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”

“No?”, Hands forced him to look at the man, to endure being stared down,
“You matter, Ai Di. You’re the only one who matters and when I thought you
were dead, I thought I was going insane.”
Ai Di swallowed, his eyes automatically drawn to the scar.

“What happened?”

A stony expression brushed Chen Yi’s face, sending a chill down Ai Di’s back.

“I killed him.”

“Who?”

“The shooter.”

Good.
But it wasn’t enough. He had to tell Chen Yi, he had to make sure: “There are
more ...”

“I know.”

“You do?”
Had he panicked over nothing?

Chen Yi nodded.

“He told me”, a slightly insane smile appeared on Chen Yi’s lips, sending very
conflicting shivers down Ai Di’s back, “Right before he died.”

His heartbeat was skyrocketing at this, the excitement and intriguing fear
taking Ai Di into possession.

“Good”, he murmured and Chen Yi’s smile widened, right before he leaned
down for another, determined kiss.

Good.

It had only been two days of artificial coma for Ai Di, but to Chen Yi it had
felt like a lifetime. A lifetime in hell.

It had been worse than those four years when Ai Di had been in prison, but
he didn’t want to relive either. Both had driven him insane, in some way or
another, but only one had made him kill a man and hunt several others
down. And all because of Ai Di, all for the man who’d been so adamant to die
for him.

Chen Yi still felt as if his heart was being stabbed whenever he thought of the
moment, whenever he remembered the feeling of Ai Di in his arms, losing his
consciousness in mere seconds. He’d been frozen back then, unable to think
of anything to help, anything to do except to scream for his best friend, his
brother, the man he’d wanted to love for most of his life, the one he finally
did.

It was pure luck that they still managed to save Ai Di. That it wasn’t too late
and that he’d probably get away with barely a scratch, only a slight limp. He
would have loved him anyway and he’d already been prepared, furiously, to
care for him, whatever physical and psychological damage had been dealt.

So far, he thought as he watched Ai Di order some of his men around the

hospital room, he seemed to be his old self again. Opposite to the
overwhelmed man right after he’d woken up, Ai Di had started being a little
shit once more, a whiplash personified. And Chen Yi could only stay next to
him and enjoy it, every little tease, every poke and every burn, every well-
aimed insult.

‘Are you into insults?’

He remembered the time over four years ago, the moment something inside
of him had been let loose, the feral kiss to punish and devour Ai Di like a
hidden dungeon in his own mind. Maybe Ai Di had been right, he thought as
he felt a well known tingle at an off-handed comment about his priorities (Ai
Di). The prospects were still too much though and Chen Yi forced himself to
come back into the moment. Another moment with Ai Di, which seemed like
a wonder recently.

They hadn’t kissed after those first kisses again, but Chen Yi was patient.
He’d learned to be patient, at least until Ai Di would be out of the hospital.
After all, they needed to be alone when it happened the next time, Chen Yi
had decided, his throat tightening at the mere thought of it. Nothing and no
one, not even a nurse, should disturb them then, he’d promised himself and
he’d pledged to Ai Di. Even if the man didn’t know about it.

And it wasn’t as if they were behaving like strangers anyway.

If Chen Yi had been protective and a little possessive before the shooting, he
was obsessed now. Obsessed and clingy. There were enough touches
happening on purpose, small brushes against each other, ruffles through his
hair, to make sure Ai Di didn’t forget about the kisses, about the quiet
promises.
Promises to protect him and to stay with him. Promises to burn down the
world if they harmed another hair of his.
And the promise to follow him to the end of the world, if he ever thought of
running again.
Even if Ai Di didn’t love him the way Chen Yi did, even if what they wanted
was completely different, he’d stay by his side, gum stuck to Ai Di’s
metaphorical shoe.

With what felt like a rock on his chest, at the thought, Chen Yi got up from
his chair and stepped close enough to rest some fingers against Ai Di’s
shoulder blades, startling the man a little.

“Let’s go home”, he said quietly, urgently, “It is time.”

Ai Di had, after all, finally been allowed to leave. Enough days had passed to
make sure he was mostly okay and he’d have his regular checkups anyway.
And Chen Yi had promised to make him go, knowing very well how Ai Di
could be when it came to his own health.

“This isn’t home”, Ai Di murmured as they parked in front of the garage a

little while later.

“It is”, Chen Yi stated and got out of the car.

“Yours”, Ai Di sighed.

“Ours”, Chen Yi retorted.

At this, Ai Di kept quiet. Either because he didn’t want to waste energy but
argue later, or because he could finally see some reason. Or because he
planned to run away again.

Whatever it was, Chen Yi would find out sooner or later and they walked
inside, leaving the members of Chen Yi’s group back to their own device. Did
they know what they’d be up to? Chen Yi had to grin. Some? Maybe. Others?
Probably not. But he didn’t care either way because it wouldn’t concern any
of them. Not yet. Not now. Not until they’d talked.

Stopping in his, in their room, Ai Di threw the bag of his to the ground and
looked around. As if anything had changed after three weeks already. No, the
room hadn’t changed much, but the owner had, Chen Yi thought. And
without waiting any longer, he stepped closer, right into Ai Di’s space.

“What?”, Ai Di looked up, defiance in his voice but his eyes nervous. Just a
while back, he’d never thought Ai Di could even get nervous. Especially not
about something like this. Not because of his very own presence. It was
exhilarating.
“I need to make sure you’re safe”, Chen Yi mumbled and lifted his hands to
brush against Ai Di’s forehead, his cheek, the hair at his neck. He let them
run across his collarbones, to those familiar shoulders and they came to rest
at Ai Di’s throat..

“I’m safe”, Ai Di swallowed and Chen Yi felt it, “Your men will make sure of
it.”

Chen Yi ignored him but focused on the way Ai Di’s pulse picked up.

“I need to make sure you’re still alive”, he murmured and leaned closer,
checking Ai Di’s breath, the sign of his life, and there was another swallow.

“I need to make sure you won’t throw your life away”, he breathed, lips
grazing a well-known cheek and the following shiver made him preen with
pride.

“I ...”

The rest of his words went down in a kiss, Ai Di’s rough hands pulling him
exactly where he wanted him to, where he was supposed to. It felt like an
electric jolt, Chen Yi’s whole body springing into action, embracing Ai Di,
engulfing him as he kissed back, his mouth wide open, ready to inhale Ai Di
with every breath.

It was intense, it was desperate and after long moments, they broke apart
but not really, their lips still close, swollen and red, and their foreheads
touching.

“You shouldn’t”, Ai Di started and licked his lips, “You know that, right?”

“I don’t care”, because he cared too much. He’d always had.

“This time, I won’t apologise”, Ai Di’s old fire was back, mixed with a deep,
bone chilling desperation. One Chen Yi mirrored.

“Good”, Chen Yi wished it wouldn’t have sounded so much like a whine.

Ai Di looked up, searching for something only he could see. There was a hint
of a smile, a warmth blossoming so fast, it would turn dangerous soon
enough.

“My life is yours anyway”, Ai Di shrugged as if it was nothing, as if the weight

of the world was on his shoulders, “You can do with it whatever you want.”
There was no air left in Chen Yi’s lungs, no rational thought except for this
revelation, a surprise and a well known fact at once.

With another open whine, he pressed himself against Ai Di closer, urgent to

crawl underneath the man’s skin, into his heart, ready to settle where he’d
always been supposed to be.

“Then I’ll keep it alive”, Chen Yi promised and prayed, offering his heart to be
cut, “And you aren’t allowed to die another time.”

Sprawled out like a cat across him and his bed, Chen Yi couldn’t look away.
It was a moment of peace, the first time Chen Yi was able to do what he’d
barely dared to dream about for years.

Here he was, lying in his bed with Ai Di in his arms. The man was sleeping
softly, still exhausted from everything that had happened in those past
weeks. They’d only made out a little, their shared handjob a desperate, quick
one that had only taken a few minutes until the little gremlin had been out of
energy already.

“It’s okay”, Chen Yi had said when he’d realised Ai Di’s frustration.

“It’s not”, the man had grumbled and Chen Yi had chuckled with bubbling
excitement.

“It is”, he’d argued, pressing a kiss to Ai Di’s temple, “Because we have
enough time.”

And now he was here, awake in an early hour with barely any light in his
room, with Ai Di in his arms, their shared heartbeat providing a comforting
rhythm. It was almost too warm, Ai Di’s inner heat matching Chen Yi’s, but
still neither wanted to let go. Not tonight.

Tenderly, he brushed his thumb against Ai Di’s cheek, across his nose, let his
fingers run through his hair, a familiar and soothing gesture.

He’d kill for this man, he’d live for this man, Chen Yi thought, watching the
gentle rise and fall of Ai Di’s chest - maybe one of the few times his softness
was even palpable. He pressed a kiss to Ai Di’s brow.

Together, they would rule the world.

Together they would burn it.
Together they would survive.
The end
 You're The One I Carry (in my heart)
Two months in and Ai Di is used to slow burn kisses from Chen Yi that start
out cotton candy soft and slide up by degrees until Ai Di can feel his brain
melting from the inside out. He's also acquainted now with Chen Yi's
impatient hands when he can't wait a moment longer and has to hitch Ai Di
up onto his waist, when his kisses come rushed, two or three fitted into the
space of one, wetter and hotter from the get-go.

But this night is different. Ai Di can feel it in his soul, in his gut, in the back
of his throat. It's nothing to do with death threats or injuries. It's none of
that. It's just- Ai Di ran into his first at the bar earlier tonight. The first dude
he'd ever kissed, just to get kissing out of the way. The first dude he'd ever
touched in an intimate way.

"This is my boyfriend, Chen Yi," Ai Di had introduced as he leaned further

into Chen Yi's warmth, tried to signal like hell to his past that no, now's not
the time to fucking reminisce.

Chen Yi, for all of his obliviousness, had cottoned on right away that this
wasn't just another guy at the bar with eyes for Ai Di. This wasn't some
random approach born out of aesthetic appreciation. This was a part of Ai
Di's past that Chen Yi didn't know about.

"Eddie, right? You had flaming red hair back then."

Eddie was what Ai Di never got to be, some free-spirited soul who existed in
the normal world. This much Chen Yi knew. Ai Di was Edison for his
undercover stint at the school too.

"Haha," Ai Di had laughed too loud and then tried to deflect. That atrocity of
a red hair dye? Haha, that time in my life I want to forget? Hahaha! Meet
my boyfriend, please.

Their ride home brewed silent and tense. Chen Yi looked like he had five
hundred questions, and Ai Di wanted to answer all of them, if only he knew
what Chen Yi wanted to know, what Chen Yi wanted him to say, to make it
better.

"Big boss-" Ai Di tries to sweet talk as they step out of the car, but
immediately Chen Yi's there, mouth sliding over his, shutting him up with a
hard kiss.
Ai Di doesn't hate it. Not when Chen Yi yanks his jacket off to throw
somewhere in the direction of the sofa. Not when his hard uncompromising
body walks them steadily back towards the bedroom door. Not when Chen Yi
finally hooks hands under the back of his knees and tosses him up like a
ragdoll to hook legs and arms around him like Ai Di's conditioned to do now.

Ai Di's hot and bothered in the blink of an eye because this is Chen Yi. This is
the boy he's always wanted ever since he knew what wanting was. Ever since
the first time he touched himself and thought, if only this was Chen Yi's hand
on me. Or my hand on Chen Yi. It didn't matter which. Everything had a
phantom Chen Yi in it.

This Chen Yi is not a phantom. He's real, so real. And he's hot, so hot. And
fuck, he's gotten Ai Di all the way naked now in the span of three finger
clicks. He's kissing Ai Di's ear and neck and stroking Ai Di's hip and dick and
Ai Di doesn't know which way to wiggle to maximize the enjoyment. He's just
one big flail of want beneath his boyfriend.

Then Chen Yi flips him over and pushes him down to the bed by the small of
his back and that's too soon. Ai Di braces himself for it. He should still be
somewhat open from their round this morning but only somewhat.

Chen Yi doesn't reach for the supplies though. He's just touching, sliding big
hands down Ai Di's back and over and over and over his ass.

Ai Di chances a look back and Chen Yi's eyes snap to his immediately,
scorching in their intensity. Usually Chen Yi's glaring people to death but
now he's eye-fucking Ai Di to death. And Ai Di's toes curl from it, so visceral
is the look.

"Has anyone ever eaten you out?"

Oh. Oh! Ai Di shakes his head.

"May I?"

Static fills his brain and Ai Di nods, double, triple nods. He wants that. He
wants it so bad but thought Chen Yi might not. He thought maybe he could
bring it up one day as something he could do to Chen Yi first. But here Chen
Yi is, asking him if he wants the sex equivalent of cake.

Chen Yi smiles for the first time since he met Ai Di's ex-nothing.

"Good," he says right against a cheek, lipping at it deliberately. "I've been

wanting to do this."
Chen Yi licks a hot stripe along the lower curvature of a butt and Ai Di turns
around to bite the pillow, out of his mind already with anticipation.

When Chen Yi thumbs his cheeks apart, Ai Di thinks this might be how he
goes, holding his breath, waiting for Chen Yi to be another one of his firsts.

Chen Yi kisses him there, right over the furl of him. And then, fuck, that's
Chen Yi's tongue. Ai Di's thoroughly acquainted with Chen Yi's tongue. At
least he thought he was. But Chen Yi's tongue sliding wet and pushing
firm there, there, there is brand spanking new, and good, so good.

Ai Di squeezes his eyes shut and subtly humps the bed.

"Be good and stay still for me."

Ai Di whimpers but does as he's told. Chen Yi's voice - sometimes Ai Di

thinks he can come from just that, from Chen Yi's voice low and commanding
in his ears.

Chen Yi comes back to him and sucks at his rim, and Ai Di squeezes the
pillow next to him, the Chen Yi pillow, hugging him tight. He needs Chen Yi
everywhere, everywhere.

By the time Chen Yi squeezes his cheeks and dips his tongue into him,
fucking him open one lick at a time, Ai Di's incoherent. He might even be
drooling on the boyfriend pillow. He's definitely biting it, wanting this to go
on indefinitely and also needing Chen Yi in him immediately.

"Please."

Chen Yi, for all that he manhandles Ai Di and arranges him where he wants
him, always listens to him, in bed and out.

Chen Yi slicks them up for good measure and turns Ai Di around to sit on
him, to kiss him, to swallow his whimpers as Ai Di sinks down on him, finally
filled the way he wants, full, so full to the brim with Chen Yi.

They both groan as Ai Di bottoms out.

Ai Di looks at Chen Yi and sees none of the jealous boyfriend from before.
This is just his Chen Yi, loving him. Ai Di pinches his chin and places a kiss
carefully over his mouth, reverent. They kiss and kiss and then Chen Yi's
hands slide down from his back to the small of his back and down to hold his
cheeks. And Ai Di knows what's coming. He loves this. He knows Chen Yi
does too.
So it's with satisfaction when Chen Yi starts lifting him and then dropping
him, sliding him along his length with such ease it's hot. Ai Di helps after a
while. He always does, kicking off the bed so he could fuck
himself exactly right.

"It's you," Ai Di tells him when he's close. Because he wants Chen Yi to hear it
when they're connected like this. "You may not have been my first kiss but
you're my first love, my only."

Chen Yi draws in a sharp breath and rests his forehead against Ai Di's.
"You're not my first crush but-"

"You don't have to tell me, I know."

"Do you?" Chen Yi pinches his chin and looks into his eyes, serious.
"You're my first love too, Ai Di, my only."

Ai Di would like to say that his heart didn't flutter and flip all over itself at
that but he'd be lying. He graces Chen Yi with one small smile before he
kicks up hard from the bed and drops himself fast on Chen Yi and comes just
like that, heart in his throat.

"Any other exes I need to know about?" Chen Yi mouths lazily at the back of
his ear as he back hugs Ai Di on the bed, both of them clean and clothed
again in their pjs.

"Look, those people were truly just for fun, okay? They're nothing like you."
Ai Di places Chen Yi's hand over his dog tag. "You're the one I carry with me
everywhere I go."

Chen Yi turns his head around for a kiss. And as per usual, they slide into a
kissing spree. One more. Just one more. And again.

Ai Di turns around fully so they can indulge in each other's embrace. Chen Yi
tries to escalate the heat so Ai Di grabs at his hair to get them to pause. "For
the record, I don't have an ex. I just have you."

That does nothing to douse the heat in Chen Yi's kisses. If anything, it only
intensifies them.

"I'm yours. I only have you too, Ai Di," Chen Yi rolls on top of him, pinning
him to bed. "I only want you."

"Okay, but now?! We just finished!"

Chen Yi pets at his hip. "What if you fucked me?"

Ai Di's eyes widen in surprise. "Really?"

Chen Yi has the audacity to dimple at him. "I told you. I'm yours."

Ai Di flips them over so fast. "I'll make it good for you."

Chen Yi settles back against the pillow, unbothered. "I know. I trust you."

And Ai Di settles a hand over Chen Yi's dog tag. They match. They really
match in the all the ways -- from their wardrobes to their bodies to their
hearts. Ai Di has no idea how he got so lucky.

"You know, this will be a first for me too," he muses.

Chen Yi's eyes darken. Fast as anything, he grabs the back of Ai Di's head to
haul him into a kiss, and Ai Di's good with that. He's perfect, no notes.
 When Your Touch Began to Linger
“I thought you didn’t treat me as your brother anymore.”

It took everything in Ai Di not to say “I don’t.” Or “You’re right.” Or “I never

will.”.
It took everything in Ai Di not to scream, the old, familiar wound scratched
open once again.

“You didn’t want me to find you.”

“I still don’t”, Ai Di wanted to say, wishing himself far away and knowing he
couldn’t be anywhere else.

“Without my injury, you wouldn’t have come back.”

He would.
As much as he hated it, as much as he didn’t want to, he’d always be back,
sooner or later. Back by Chen Yi’s side. Even if it meant he was only allowed
to watch him, to look at him from afar, fingernails ripping bloody valleys into
his palms.

A hand reached out for his hair but Ai Di leaned back, unable to endure any
tenderness, any affection for now. His heart was shattered anyway, couldn’t
Chen Yi see?
But as always, Chen Yi didn’t let go, didn’t leave him alone and forced
himself back into Ai Di’s focus.

Especially when Ai Di didn’t want him to.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Well done!”

Chen Yi ruffled Ai Di’s hair with a wide grin and Ai Di absolutely couldn’t
contain his own grin, the giddiness in his chest and the way he wanted to
jump up and down.

Taking his fingers back, Chen Yi turned towards the target again and Ai Di
had the strange urge to grab his hand and force him to ruffle his hair forever.
The thought was fleeting and confusing and he shook his head to let go of it.

He hated anyone ruffling his hair, the way it always felt as if they didn’t take
him seriously. Except for Chen Yi.
Chen Yi, who saw him at the orphanage and decided to care, to look, to
watch him.
Chen Yi, who didn’t care about Ai Di being feral and afraid but who silently
protected him, supported him.
Chen Yi, who let Ai Di fight him, tease him and never once stopped caring.
Chen Yi, who realised Ai Di was sick and stayed by his side.
Chen Yi, who made sure their boss would take Ai Di, too, no matter his size
and and hissing.

To be honest, Ai Di thought as he watched Chen Yi take another shot at the

paper target in the back, if boss hadn’t taken him, he’d snuck in to cling to
Chen Yi anyway. He’d sworn, after all, to always protect Chen Yi, even as a
child.

Now, three years later, with Ai Di’s fourteenth birthday approaching, they
were still alive, still kicking, still together.

Chen Yi was being trained to lead, but Ai Di had never had this dream, had
never wanted that responsibility. He’d rather learn how to protect. How to
jump in front of Chen Yi, how to save the boy who he owed to a second life.

It would forever be their boss who Chen Yi would be loyal to, but for Ai Di,
that would never be the question. He had one loyalty and one loyalty alone.
As a friend, as a brother, as ...

Chen Yi’s shot went right to the centre and Ai Di cheered before Chen Yi
could even turn proudly and smile.

“You did it!”, He held on to Chen Yi’s arm, shaking his whole body with the
excitement that made him jump as well.

“You saw, right?”, Chen Yi grinned and Ai Di nodded, still vibrating.

Chen Yi had practised for quite a while for this and while Ai Di knew that it
was to impress their boss, he could only be happy that he was allowed to
witness the moment and Chen Yi’s pure, unrestricted joy.

“I need to tell Li Cheng”, Chen Yi turned away with his phone and Ai Di’s
hands fell off his arms, his throat suddenly tight.

It’s okay, he told himself when he watched Chen Yi type a message to one of
his friends from school. He’d been the one allowed to witness it happen, he
was the one who got to live with Chen Yi, the one who knew his smiles, his
tears, late night hugs from when they’d been younger.
But lately, it didn’t seem enough. Whenever they had a moment, it ended too
quickly, Chen Yi’s eyes not staying long enough on him, his fleeting touches
growing cold before Ai Di could properly savour them.

And still, he could feel Chen Yi’s touches linger on his skin even hours later.
Casual ruffles and shoves seemed to get burned into him within seconds,
sometimes even less. And still, it wasn’t enough, Ai Di wishing he could have
held on just one moment longer. So the annoying tingles he couldn’t
interpret, might turn into something else. Something unknown. An itch he
had to scratch.

Ai Di didn’t understand, couldn’t figure out why. Why he felt the need for so
much more. Why he hated this Li Cheng even from a distance. Why he was
suddenly mourning the times when he’d snuck into Chen Yi’s bed at night
and had been welcomed by open arms. He was no child anymore, so why?
Why ...

Chen Yi’s sudden laughter jerked him out of his thoughts but the boy was
still looking at his phone.

“What?”, He asked and Chen Yi looked up as if he’d forgotten Ai Di was there.

“Nothing”, Chen Yi grinned, “Li Cheng got a new video and wants to share it.”

The wiggle of his eyebrows said enough and Ai Di pulled a face. It meant
they would be watching porn later, something Ai Di wasn’t allowed to yet.

“Can I ...”

A hand ruffling his hair stopped him in the middle of his sentence and his
hands curled into fists as Chen Yi smiled at him from above.

“That’s nothing for kids”, he said and turned to leave.

“Asshole!”, Ai Di kicked before Chen Yi was too far away and with a loud yelp,
Chen Yi jerked away, holding his shin.

“What the fuck?!”

“I’m not a kid anymore!”, Ai Di screamed and ran off, knowing that he had to
be fast. Not because he didn’t dare to fight Chen Yi, he very well did do so
regularly, but because his heart felt wrong, the pressure on his chest almost
too much to handle.

So he ran and hid, just so Chen Yi couldn’t find him and couldn’t miss him.
Just so he didn’t have to watch him leave to go to his friends, kids his own
age who all felt so damn grown up. Grown up enough to watch porn and ...
and what?

As Ai Di was stuck between boxes in a closet in the attic, Chen Yi’s last ruffle
still lingering, he wondered. Would they simply watch? Eat snacks? Jerk off?
The idea sent heat into his face but he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Those
images and questions. How Chen Yi would look like, what kind of porn he
even might like, what he’d say and how he’d behave. If he’d show off his
smile or not dare to move a facial muscle.

And as the images stayed and the heat took over, Ai Di hoped, that no one
would ever find him again in this rotten, forgotten closet far away from
another, living soul.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He was a teenager now, Ai Di decided after the incident in the closet. Nothing
to worry about, really. Nothing to be ashamed of. It was normal to have
sexual urges and apparently it was his time now to have them. And it hadn’t
been because of Chen Yi that he’d jerked off, but because he’d thought
about porn, easy as that.

He ignored it and Chen Yi didn’t know about it and they would be able to
continue living the way they’d done so before.
With Chen Yi working to impress their boss and Ai Di eager to grow up and
follow him.
If he was maybe a little too eager to be by Chen Yi’s side and protect him, to
be seen and praised by him, he could always argue that it was natural. That it
was normal for him to want Chen Yi’s attention and pride, because they’d
spent so many years together.

To prove that there was nothing wrong, Ai Di made sure to get his own set of
friends, his own group of people he could call and go to and spend time
with.

“Who are they?”, Chen Yi had asked the first time Ai Di had talked about them
and for a small, secret second, there’s been an excitement blooming in his
chest.

“Make sure they’re safe and can’t hurt the family”, Chen Yi had grumbled
then, face serious and somber and Ai Di’s heart had dropped.

Of course, he’d thought and had rolled his eyes. Of course, it had been only
about the family, the boss.
“You mean the way Li Cheng did?”, He teased, remembering how the boy had
tried to sell information about their family and Chen Yi showed his teeth.

“Exactly like that.”

Now, things were the same but different, their time together familiar and
unknown territory.
Ai Di knew it was him and his own problem and that it would stop at some
point. It had to!

“Tomorrow ...”, he started, catching Chen Yi right before he left for some
kind of meeting with their boss the day before their birthdays.

“I can’t”, Chen Yi intercepted before Ai Di could even continue, ruffling Ai

Di’s hair quickly, “Boss wants me to see him.”

“Oh”, Ai Di forced a smile, suddenly out of energy, “Sure.”

Had he forgotten? Had Chen Yi forgotten their deal? The date?

It felt weird and wrong and Ai Di still hoped, that it was a joke, that Chen Yi
would remember and come back to him, sooner or later.

He got it, he really did. Their boss was important to them and what he said
was their law. Was Chen Yi’s law.
But they had promised, hadn’t they? Years back, of course, but till now, for
three years, they’d celebrated their birthday together without fail.

It felt as if someone had sucked the floor out from under him and Ai Di had
trouble keeping upright.

Still, despite fearing that Chen Yi had actually forgotten, he got a cake, he
got a present and he followed Chen Yi, secretly, to one of the restaurants the
gang owned.

“Where’s Ai Di?”

Ai Di stared from around the corner as Chen Yi met their boss and the
question fell, white noise suddenly overriding any other noise in his mind.

As he watched Chen Yi explain that he hadn’t known he was supposed to

bring him, as he watched Chen Yi stare at their boss with all the awe and
worship in his eyes, something clicked. Something felt right, even if he
couldn’t name it yet. Not completely.
But he knew, from the bottom of his heart, that he’d always come second.
That the way he’d been watching Chen Yi, Chen Yi had been watching their
boss. And that there was nothing to do about that.

Ai Di snuck back almost instantly after this realisation. Chen Yi was away, so
there was no danger of being found out and he sat in the darkness of Chen
Yi’s room with their cake and the candles lit, a dooming sense of change
coming over him.

It was their birthday and Chen Yi wasn’t here.

It was their birthday and Chen Yi spent it with a person he loved more.
It was their birthday and despite their time together, despite all the friends Ai
Di had, he was alone.

Ai Di felt weirdly numb and calm as he blew out the candles, hid the present
and snuck out of the room again. So far, they were still living in the same
house as their boss and Ai Di had one goal. If both his boss and Chen Yi
didn’t want to put any effort into finding him, into having him with them, he
considered himself free to do what he wanted. And what he wanted was
clear.

It didn’t take much to get into the office or to open the cupboard with all the
drinks their boss owned. Ai Di didn’t even care which one it was, he simply
took the one that looked most expensive and snuck out again, into a side
staircase, a place barely anyone ever walked into.
There he took the first sip and spit it out again.
“What the fuck?”, He murmured and stared at the bottle as if it had personally
offended him, “This is what they enjoy?”

It was, he remembered too many moments when he’d seen his boss pull out
this bottle or another and drink it, share it even with others, with Chen Yi.
Adults ... he huffed.
If this was what was necessary to be an adult, he’d get used to it, too.

The second sip was almost worse than the first and the third made him want
to vomit. But Ai Di kept drinking, forcing more sips down his throat without
regard to the taste or amount. Slowly, it didn’t feel as bad anymore and a
gentle tingle in his fingertips and his brain told him, the effects were setting
in.
Later, he’d know that he’d drunk too much too fast, but at the time he hadn’t
been able to understand what was happening. He’d only wanted to be an
adult, too. To be old enough to be included. To be old enough to be taken
seriously. To be old enough to be looked at with admiration and awe. To ...
The sound of a door and the sudden light in his eyes made Ai Di shrink back
against the wall, holding the bottle close to his heart, his head now spinning.

“Oh”, a strange voice was to be heard, “What do we have here?”

Apparently, Ai Di had been sitting in the dark for long enough that the
automatic light had gone out, sinking him into darkness.

Now, with a new visitor, everything was bright again and the alcohol didn’t
help at all. Ai Di squinted at the newcomer, wishing he could move properly.
When a face came closer, he threw a punch nonetheless, aiming as much as
he was able and ... was caught. Someone caught his fist and held it in a tight
grip. A chuckle was to be heard.

“Is this the feral cat who’s been lost?”

“I’m not a cat”, Ai Di grumbled and tried to get his hand back.

“And I’m not your enemy”, the other one said and pulled Ai Di in some kind
of upright position.

“Who are you then?”, Ai Di asked, his eyes finally able to see a bit more of the
man in front of him, despite the rest of the world spinning.

The man wasn’t much older than Chen Yi, his eyes friendly as he smiled.

“Fan Ze Rui”, he said and shook the fist he was still holding as if it was an
offered hand, “And you are?”

“Ai Di.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ze Rui was nice. Ze Rui was kind.

Despite Ai Di’s suspicions, he neither killed him nor kidnapped him but
dragged him up and away, onto a sofa close by.
Chen Yi still wasn’t with them but Ai Di was glad, finally feeling the full
punch of the drink he’d been swallowing.

“It’s your birthday?”, Ze Rui asked and Ai Di nodded, still hugging the bottle.

“And your first drink?”

Another nod and Ze Rui laughed.

“Don’t fucking laugh!”, Ai Di tried to throw another punch but it was evaded
as easily as the first.
“How about I bring you a better drink?”, Ze Rui asked and Ai Di couldn’t even
deny. He’d love to get a better drink instead of whatever horrible horror
poison this was. How could people even like it?

“You’ll learn to”, Ze Rui said and vanished for a moment before coming back
with two cans of beer.

“Happy Birthday”, he said as he held one close and Ai Di took it.

“Happy Birthday”, he mouthed, thinking of Chen Yi who was probably happily

sitting with their boss right now, no thoughts for his annoying younger
brother left.

There weren’t many memories of the rest of the night, only the sadness and
comfort of sitting with Ze Rui, of being allowed to cling to the man’s arm
instead of Chen Yi’s. He hoped he hadn’t cried but he couldn’t say for sure.
The way he couldn’t tell, afterward, how he’d gotten to bed.
Ze Rui must have carried him, vague memories of a warm body close to his
like a dream in his mind.
But Ai Di never asked and Ze Rui never offered the information.

And still, somehow, they became friends. Ze Rui now a safe haven to go to
when Ai Di couldn’t endure himself anymore, when he hated Chen Yi for
once, for a moment, a second.
But he couldn’t stop loving him.
Because that was what it was. What his feelings were, the secret he’d been
carrying around with the size of a universe.

He loved Chen Yi and Chen Yi loved their boss and there was no turning
back.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ze Rui’s position in this family was unique but also new and so it was no
wonder he’d been tasked to find the second boy Chen Dong Yang had taken
in.

To be fair, it had been somewhat of a relief to leave the dinner and no longer
be forced to watch the first boy, Chen Yi, who was barely younger than Ze
Rui himself, be so whipped for his boss and father figure.

And to be totally honest, he didn’t want to go back. Especially not now that
he’d found Ai Di, the lost son who he’d only chased down because of a quiet
sobbing noise from the staircase.
Apparently, something had happened but Ze Rui neither wanted to ask.
Instead, he sat down with Ai Di and got him a beer. No wonder the kid was
devastated with the amount of whiskey he’d probably drunk already. But Ze
Rui had started early, too and Ai Di didn’t seem like the kind of person to
stop if being asked nicely. And so, Ze Rui had opted to offer a different
drink, one that seemed less deadly.

It was surprisingly comfortable to sit with the kid and talk and drink in
companionable silence in between, until he had a small teenager leaning
against his arm, fast asleep. Ze Rui didn’t believe it would usually be that
easy to gain the kid’s trust and he took it as a compliment.

Carefully, he lifted him up, hopeful that he’d be able to find the right
bedroom quickly. If necessary, he’d ask one of the guards, or ...

“What are you doing?!”

The fierceness in those words brought Ze Rui to an instant stop and he

turned.

There, Chen Yi was, eyes blazing as he took him and a sleeping Ai Di in. The
way the boy walked towards him made Ze Rui wonder if he planned to fight
Ze Rui.

“He’s drunk and asleep, I just wanted to bring him to bed”, he said quickly,
before Chen Yi could even reach him.

“Why didn’t you bring him to dinner?”, Chen Yi asked and stopped right in
front of them, eyes fixed on Ai Di’s figure.

“He was too drunk”, Ze Rui shrugged and adjusted Ai Di a little, “Didn’t think
you’d be so happy to have him vomit on the table.”

Another fierce look, ready to set him on fire and Chen Yi stepped close
enough to reach for Ai Di.

“I’ll take him to bed”, he said with no room for arguments.

“Thank you”, Ze Rui replied honestly, despite knowing that Chen Yi hadn’t
done it for his sake.

It was weird to watch him carefully take Ai Di into his own arms, the way Ai
Di’s arms automatically held on to Chen Yi as if they were used to this. It was
a different look than the one he’d given their boss through out the evening
for sure but none the less intense.
There was a story behind this, behind those two teenagers who lived here,
under Chen Dong Yang’s roof. Ze Rui wouldn’t pry if he didn’t have to, but
he had a feeling he’d soon learn more. One way or another.

“Good night”, he said but received no answer and not even a last glance.
And within seconds, Chen Yi with Ai Di in his arms, had vanished.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Care and worry were forever closely connected to Ai Di. Especially now,
finding him so helpless and close to someone who’d just joined the family.
Of course, Chen Yi trusted his boss to engage the right people but still, he
couldn’t but worry with a heavy weight on his chest.

Usually, Ai Di was suspicious of everyone new and strange. So, the fact that
he seemed to trust Ze Rui a lot, meant either something had happened
between them or he no longer was able to defend himself.

Gently, Chen Yi lowered Ai Di on the bed, careful to keep his head upright
and not topple over onto him.

When his boss had revealed that the appointment had been supposed to be a
birthday party, he’d felt guilty, remembering the way Ai Di had approached
him the day before. Had he wanted to spend this day with Chen Yi? Memories
of past birthday rose up and the deal they’d made and the guilt heightened.

He’d seriously forgotten. But could he really be blamed for wishing for some
alone time with his boss? Was it really this important to Ai Di?
Or wasn’t it?
Did his sudden closeness to Ze Rui prove that he was happy elsewhere, too?

The thought was enough to twist his insides into a tight knot.
Next year, he swore himself as he watched Ai Di’s face relax, as Ai Di’s
fingers curled into his shirt. Next year, they’d celebrate it together again. For
sure.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ai Di’s fingernails were scratching Chen Yi’s skin but he didn’t mind. He
stayed still as Ai Di adjusted his hold on his hip once more, deep asleep.

Chen Yi should be asleep, too, but he couldn’t, he didn’t even want to. Too
precious was the time to watch Ai Di, to be allowed to watch him, once again.
A little sigh left the lips of the man in front of him, now longer a boy, an
awkward teenager but a man, his lover, his partner.

Chen Yi tried to calm his own heartbeat down, afraid it might wake Ai Di
otherwise.

Three months of being together, and he still couldn’t get enough. Maybe
he’d never get enough of the astonishment and wonder that this was his.
That he was allowed to stay, to enjoy this sight, that Ai Di had always wanted
him to.

Seriously, how could he have been so blind?

He’d wondered about this for years while Ai Di had been in prison, his heart
full of pain and anger and confusion, lost alone in a deep sea of emotions.
How had he been able to miss the signs, the yearning? How had he been able
to miss not only Ai Di’s but his very own? The jealousy and possessiveness?
The urge to hold and protect? To be close, to be the closest?

Yes, he’d been in love with his boss but as he’d told Ai Di, it was different. A
different feeling for both of them and in hindsight there was no clear date,
no explicit moment that had started it all. Somehow, his feelings had
changed and he hadn’t even realised it himself until it had almost been too
late.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Chen Yi reached out to brush a strand of
hair to the side, savouring the way Ai Di leaned into the touch instinctively.

He remembered too many times when Ai Di had pulled back, his touch
rejected, only reaching cold air. And he knew, by now he knew why, and it
still hurt. It hurt to remember the fear he’d felt back then. That Ai Di was
slipping through his fingers, feral and insane, outside of Chen Yi’s grasp,
screaming so loud Chen Yi had always feared he’d be shot the very next
second.

Worry and care were still closely connected to Ai Di but it had become so
much more by now.
Worry and care were not everything anymore.
Love and desire had entered the room, had taken over, had fused with the
care, with the worry that drove Chen Yi insane.

“Are you simping again?”

Ai Di’s voice was hoarse and quiet, barely audible over Chen Yi’s racing
heart. He watched as one of Ai Di’s eyes opened slightly, the gaze beyond
sleepy but intense nonetheless. The way Ai Di had always watched him, ready
to set the world on fire.

Chen Yi felt as if someone had shredded his vocal cords but he answered
nonetheless: “Yes.”

Ai Di opened his eyes even wider just to roll them.

“Yuck”, he said and reached out to grab Chen Yi’s necklace and pull him into
a kiss, “Do it again.”

The End
 One lifetime isn't enough
“Since when?”

The words needed a moment or two or twenty to be registered. Ai Di’s mind

was currently very much distracted by the way Chen Yi’s tongue circled his
dick, the wet heat of his mouth, the way Chen Yi’s fingers played with his
base, ran across his stomach, his chest.
Ai Di’s hand had become almost useless in Chen Yi’s hair but he still held on,
eyes fixated on the man. And still, he missed the words.

Chen Yi stopped, the tip of Ai Di’s dick still leaning against his lips, and
looked up to lock eyes.

It had taken him a while to get the technique down, but Chen Yi wasn’t but
an eager student and very much a fan of the way Ai Di pulled his hair to show
directions. Maybe even a little too much, Ai Di thought, ideas for future
exercises rising.

“Since when?”

Chen Yi’s fingers were now at his balls, at the base of his dick, playing with
him in a way that drove Ai Di a bit insane.

“Since when what?!”, he asked, urgently, needy, leaning over to grab Chen
Yi’s jaw. Satisfied and ready, Chen Yi followed the movement and smiled at
him with this darn, damn forbidden ...

“Since when do you love me?”

The question finally registered and Ai Di froze, body and brain coming to a
screeching halt.

“You ask that now?!”

“No better time, I’d say, right?”, Chen Yi chuckled, a devious look in his eyes
as his fingers dragged across Ai Di’s length, drawing a whine out of him.

“Bastard”, he managed, gritting his teeth and leaning even closer to Chen Yi,
folding himself in half, “Since forever.”

“When was forever?”

Bastard, Ai Di thought again and wished he could reach Chen Yi’s dick as
well. Same treatment for everyone!
“Since we were kids”, he managed and pulled Chen Yi’s hair again, enjoying
the slight spark of pain crossing the man’s face before it settled back to
satisfaction. At least something.

“Oh”, Chen Yi grinned and Ai Di wished he would be in a better position to

grab his damn throat, “Sure. And when did you realise it was this kind of
love?”

At that, Chen Yi pushed himself up and pulled Ai Di down into a rough kiss,
his left right hand still at Ai Di’s dick, holding on tight.
Fuck.

Ai Di moaned into the kiss, despite his brain still reeling, his heart exploding.
Fucker.

“What?”, Chen Yi whispered as he drew back a little, licking Ai Di’s lips once
more, “Can’t you tell me?”

“I’ll kill you”, Ai Di whispered back, voice hoarse, attention split.

“Once I let go?”

Ai Di pulled him in again by his hair for another, biting kiss. He wanted to
inhale Chen Yi, he wanted to absorb him, he wanted to fuck him, to fucking
finish, he wanted ...

With one, unfair push, Chen Yi put him back to the bed again, lying down
and Chen Yi’s delicious, familiar weight on top of him. As much as he loved
leading him around, it had something weirdly satisfying to be pushed down
by all of Chen Yi’s weight and heat, the exhilarating comfort of knowing this
was real.

And, leading was, after all, not out of the question like this.
Spreading his legs enough to fit Chen Yi against himself, he grabbed the
man’s butt as if it was a free buffet, pressing their hips together in a rhythm
he wanted and yearned for. Chen Yi followed his directions as he kissed Ai Di
with an open mouth, as he bit his way down Ai Di’s neck.

There was not much finesse behind, only the desire to crawl beneath each
other’s skin, to become one and be one, to be etched into each other’s flesh
and heart, never to be separated anymore.

When Chen Yi’s long fingers finally wrapped around both of them for the last
pulls to take each other over the edges, Ai Di’s nerves were on fire, his
yearning on his tongue as he could only watch and take and take and give
and melt into the embrace he’d forever wanted.

Forever ...

It was only when they were both back in bed, washed and snuggled against
each other, naked skin to naked skin, Chen Yi’s fingers playing with his hair,
that Ai Di finally caught back up on their mid-suck-off-conversation.

Without any preamble, he punched the bruise Chen Yi still had from a fight
two days ago.

“Ooooou, damnit!”

Ai Di glared at him: “That’s for talking while fucking, asshole.”

Chen Yi grinned and pulled Ai Di closer again: “It was important.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Why?”, Chen Yi’s words were teasing, but his voice was tender, careful,
“Because it’s embarrassing?”

Embarrassing his ass!

Ai Di thought of his past, of their past. Of the pain of missed birthdays, of

watching Chen Yi fall in love with their boss and father figure. He thought of
the happiness he’d felt being with Chen Yi, spending time with him, feeling
safe with him for the first time in his life.
He thought of fights and of laughter, of the first time a touch had tingled and
had kept tingling for hours.

Ai Di remembered when he’d been thirteen and he’d been wishing to die for
Chen Yi. Just so he could be mourned. He wanted Chen Yi to cry over his
corpse and hold his hand because when else could they do that?

Memories of his realisation came back. When he’d become aware that it
wasn’t death he wanted, but the hand holding, the open care. How he missed
hugging Chen Yi but for other reasons than a good night cuddle.

How his eyes got drawn to the older boy more and more, watching his broad
shoulders, the way his frown deepened when he concentrated, the way sweat
would run down his temple after exercising.

It was embarrassing indeed to know how young and dramatic he’d been, how
hopeful still for so many years. How he’d felt like a traitor to feel like this for
his brother. How he’d felt like a loser when he’d realised Chen Yi was looking
at another man. One older and stronger than Ai Di could ever be.

And he remembered the first time he’d jerked off to memories of Chen Yi, to
a touch and smile he’d received that day, the dimples of death and life still
burned into his mind.
How ashamed he’d been but how he hadn’t been able to stop.
How he’d wished it was all just a phase. That it was only because Chen Yi
was closest to him and coincidentally, blessfully, a fucking hot mess.

A while after that, when he’d jerked off too often to count, he’d gone to fuck
someone else. Just to prove that it wasn’t about Chen Yi. That he was just
convenient because he was with him, close to him, the only one he trusted.

And Ai Di remembered the fury he’d had for himself and for Chen Yi after
that fuck. To realise that while yes, he for sure could have sex with others, it
didn’t push Chen Yi out of his system, but instead, drew him in. Now, instead
of replacing Chen Yi with someone new, his mind had more ideas to play
with, more fantasies to live in, each and every one occupied by Chen Yi,
always Chen Yi.

Deep shame had washed over him together with the rage. Shame that he
couldn’t control himself better, that he was weak and stupid. And he’d
started pushing Chen Yi away, not matter how much he wished to draw him
in.
Never forget, he’d told himself.
Never forget that he’ll never be yours.
Never forget that he’s in love with someone else.
Never forget that you’re a traitor, a fiend.
Never forget ...

Ai Di only realised he was crying when gentle hands pressed his face against
Chen Yi’s shoulder and soft kisses were peppered all over his hair, his
temple, his cheeks and eyes and nose.

“A lifetime”, he sobbed, shoulders shaking, “A fucking lifetime just for you.”

Now, Chen Yi was wrapped around him like a heating blanket, a comforting
octopus, and while his words were said softly, they all reached Ai Di’s ears.

“I’m sorry”, he apologised again.

“Thank you for waiting for me”, he whispered, kissing Ai Di’s ear.
“I love you”, he promised.
Trying to calm down his tears, Ai Di leaned back a little, just enough to see
more of Chen Yi’s face than the right side of his jaw.

“You have to make up for nine years”, he threatened, tightening his hold on
Chen Yi and ignoring the stuffed noise coming out of his mouth, “Or I’ll
haunt you forever.”

“Please do”, Chen Yi rubbed his nose against Ai Di’s throat, “But I’ll make it
up a tenfold.”

Ai Di huffed as he leaned to the side, giving Chen Yi even more room: “You
want to be ghosts together? We won’t get that old.”

Chen Yi pulled back and looked up, his expression serious and his gaze
drinking in every little detail.

“First, let’s live together”, he said and Ai Di’s heart suddenly started to
stutter but he couldn’t look away.

“And then”, Chen Yi continued, leaning up, worshipping Ai Di with his eyes
and lips, his fingertips at Ai Di’s neck, “We’ll be ghosts together.”

“So I can haunt you?”

Chen Yi smiled, fingers running through the short hair at Ai Di’s neck slowly,
drawing circles into his skin.

“So you can haunt me forever.”

The sadness was still sitting in Ai Di’s bones, refusing to leave completely,
but he felt a giddiness rising in his chest, taking over his heartbeat, his lips,
the tingle in his fingertips. He leaned in to kiss Chen Yi, who let him take and
devour his mouth.

“One second apart”, Chen Yi murmured somewhere in between, right before

Ai Di grabbed his precious, familiar, stunning, stupid, blessed face with both
hands to properly kiss the fuck out of him.

With one second apart.

For a lifetime.
Forever.

The End
 Lurking Shadows
“I can’t believe how hard you are already,” Chen Yi grinned, his tongue
sticking out between his stupidly perfect teeth. It made Ai Di suppress the
urge to smack the smug expression right off his face.

Instead, he rolled his hips, causing his dick to drag deliciously along Chen
Yi’s length, and looked at the older one with raised eyebrows. “Look who’s
talking.”

Chen Yi’s chest rumbled with laughter, sending shivers down Ai Di’s spine.

It still blew Ai Di’s mind to think that not only was he allowed to touch Chen
Yi like this now, but that Chen Yi was laughing with him.

When he had left that night, Ai Di thought he would never get to see Chen Yi
being kind to him again. Had lost the right to. No more touches. No more
bickering. No more smiles, as faint as they might often be.

Yet, here they were, bodies pressed close, hands roaming and lips chasing
whatever small part of the other they could reach.

And Chen Yi laughed. Because Ai Di made him.

Ai Di was pulled from his thoughts when Chen Yi slung an arm around his
butt and picked him up with no effort at all. And Chen Yi’s shameless display
of strength jaundiced Ai Di as much as it turned him on.

Any comment Ai Di had died in his throat, however, when Chen Yi pushed Ai
Di’s back against the hard wood of the sturdy shelf partitioning off his bed
from the door they just had burst through in a wild mess of limbs and kisses.

Chen Yi sucked a painful hickey into the younger one’s neck, making Ai Di
groan. His fingers dug into Chen Yi’s hair, pulling hard.

Whether because the sensation of Chen Yi going down on his neck was too
much or too little, Ai Di himself wasn’t sure. He just knew he couldn’t let
Chen Yi take all the charge.

Not that he didn’t like being manhandled by Chen Yi - far from it, really.
There was just some part of him that couldn’t lie back silently and submit.
He needed to push back. Protest.
And he trusted Chen Yi to know that the fingers pulling on his hair weren’t a
sign of discomfort or actual resistance, but… just his weird kind of love
language.

As if he had read his mind, Chen Yi licked along Ai Di’s earlobe. “You like
that, huh?” he teased him, his breath tickling Ai Di’s ear, causing him to let
out a traitorous stuttering breath.

With a pleased smile pulling on the corner of his lips, Chen Yi gave Ai Di’s
butt cheek a tight squeeze as he pressed close.

“I’m gonna fuck you so good today,” he announced and Ai Di snorted a laugh
at Chen Yi echoing his own words from a few days back.

“Oh, really? You sure about-” he started, but his words were cut short when
Chen Yi spun them around and unceremoniously threw him onto the bed.

Ai Di’s body bounced on the soft mattress and he would have made some
biting remark if not for the absolute hunger in Chen Yi’s eyes as he looked
down on him.

In one swift motion, Chen Yi dropped his pants and shook off his boxers. He
then leaned down to help Ai Di, whose hands desperately worked open his
own zipper, to get rid of his last pieces of clothing, too.

“I need you in me,” Ai Di declared boldly as he grabbed for Chen Yi’s neck,
pulling him down onto the bed with him. “Like… right now.”

It was Chen Yi’s turn now to laugh against Ai Di’s lips. He pushed his tongue
past them, kissing Ai Di with such rigor it left the smaller one breathless and
almost painfully hard.

Chen Yi’s long fingers found their way down to his hips, caressing the soft
skin there before wandering down to dip hungrily between his ass cheeks.

“Yes,” Ai Di moaned into Chen Yi’s mouth, his mind too clouded from
everything Chen Yi to remember any teasing commentary. Chen Yi, taking in
the sight of Ai Di below him with hungry eyes, complied with Ai Di’s
unspoken request and carefully pressed one finger against his entrance.

They had done it often enough over the past few days that Chen Yi’s finger
went in without too much discomfort. Ai Di’s body was by now used enough
to Chen Yi’s touch to accommodate him easily.
Having learned from prior mistakes, Chen Yi reached over to the side of his
bed to produce a small bottle of lube that he opened with a skillful flick of
his fingers.

The lube was still cold where it hit Ai Di’s thighs, causing him to twitch
briefly as he sucked in a breath and licked his lower lip in anticipation.

“You’re so cute,” Chen Yi commented as he worked his finger, now slick and
moving with much less friction, into Ai Di again. When the younger one’s
head fell back in response, he tracked the movement with hooded eyes and
his lips opened around a satisfied half-smile.

Ai Di huffed a laugh and pulled Chen Yi down by his neck, biting the older
one’s shoulder in retaliation.

“Watch who you call cute,” he threatened, but was cut off by a moan when
Chen Yi, that smug fucker, added another finger and twisted them just right.

Ai Di’s body gave a little jerk and Chen Yi’s eyes lit up in satisfaction at the
sight. “Oh, you know that I have a lot more words to call you,” he teased.

Face hot with embarrassment, Ai Di swatted a hand at him, as he

remembered all the filthy things Chen Yi had whispered into his ear the prior
night, making him cum so hard he almost fainted.

But Chen Yi just playfully snapped his teeth at Ai Di’s hand.

Chen Yi’s fingers left Ai Di in one swift but careful motion and before Ai Di
fully knew what happened, he found himself flung around, suddenly staring
down at Chen Yi’s dark blue bedsheets.

Chen Yi hovered above his shoulders, his body a warm and hard weight
against Ai Di’s back. “I’ll show you just how cute you can be,” Chen Yi teased
again, his hot breath tickling Ai Di’s ear, sending a shiver down his spine that
made his cock leak in anticipation.

Ai Di reached up to flick his fingers against Chen Yi’s forehead. But the older
one’s fingers wrapped around his wrist, pressing it firmly into the mattress
next to his head.

For good measure, Chen Yi did the same with Ai Di’s left hand as well,
completely immobilizing the smaller one below his bulky frame.

Ai Di drew in a sharp breath at the sensation, his neck tingling

uncomfortably.
He felt helpless, suddenly.

But it was okay. This was Chen Yi. Chen Yi. So he swallowed and took a deep
breath to shake off that sudden rush of nerves.

Chen Yi, unaware of Ai Di’s internal turmoil, rolled his hip, causing his dick
to rub against Ai Di’s bare ass, allowing Ai Di to feel just how hard the other
was already.

And it should have turned him on. It should. But all Ai Di felt was cold panic
settling in his chest as Chen Yi hungrily sucked on his neck.

Ai Di blinked, trying to clear his head and rid himself of the nausea that
settled in his guts.

This was Chen Yi. He was okay. It was Chen Yi.

Ai Di took drew in a shaking breath. He was shivering, suddenly. Visibly. Cold

sweat forming on the base of his neck.

He tried to reassure himself again that it was okay. This was Chen Yi. He was
okay. This wasn’t like back then…

Closing his eyes, he tried to focus on Chen Yi’s heartbeat, calm himself
down, but all he could hear was a shrill ringing in his ears.

The panic settled deeper, making his throat close up.

This was wrong. This was Chen Yi above him, not…

but…

Ai Di’s vision turned blurry, his eyes hot with unshed tears. His fingers
grabbed onto the sheets below him in an iron fist as his muscles tensed to
the extent he could feel himself shaking from the exertion.

He could feel Chen Yi shift above him, his hands leaving Ai Di’s wrists as his
fingers wrapped carefully around his chin.

Chen Yi was saying something to him, Ai Di was sure. But he couldn’t hear
anything. The blood in his ears was loud and shrill. So loud, he couldn’t even
hear his own heartbeat.

Ai Di wanted to assure Chen Yi that he was alright, but his throat was still
closed up, all tense muscle and pain, making him unable to speak.

He couldn’t breathe.
Ai Di felt Chen Yi’s touch on him more firmly as the older one spun him
around.

Ai Di knew it was Chen Yi above him, but his vision was blurry and dark.
Shadows started to creep into his vision and it caused his chest to clench up
even further.

He couldn’t breathe.

This was stupid. This was so stupid.

This was Chen Yi. His Chen Yi. So why…?

His throat was burning. His chest, too. And his arms hurt.

Ai Di wanted to reach up, to wrap his arms around Chen Yi, to reassure
himself that it was him. To feel him. Smell him.

But all he managed was to wrap his fingers tightly around Chen Yi’s
underarm, where it rested against the side of his chest.

“Breathe, Ai Di!” he heard Chen Yi’s voice through the noise in his head.

And the recognition of Chen Yi’s low timbre loosened his throat enough to
draw in a painful breath.

Chen Yi leaned down, his face only inches from Ai Di’s as he cradled the
smaller’s face in his huge hands.

“It’s okay, Ai Di,” he reassured. “I’m here. You’re okay. Breathe for me. Come
on.”

Ai Di felt hot tears trailing down his temples and pooling where Chen Yi’s
fingers sat firmly against his skin. At Chen Yi’s gentle encouragement, he
drew in another painful breath that set his lungs on fire.

Then another.

All the while, Chen Yi coaxed him gently.

Slowly, Ai Di’s muscles unclenched, his body tingling in the absence of the
immense tension it suffered before. It made Ai Di feel dizzy and tired.

“You’re doing good, Ai Di.” Ai Di heard Chen Yi as his eyes finally focused
enough again to actually see the older one above him. “You’re okay.”
Chen Yi’s face was reddened, his eyes wide with worry as he stared down at
Ai Di, eyes flickering as he tried to read every little change of expression on
Ai Di’s face.

“You’re okay,” he repeated again. And again. And it made Ai Di wonder if he

said it really to him, or rather to reassure himself.

They stayed like this for several minutes, Chen Yi cradling Ai Di’s face and
reassuring him of his safety, as the two of them just looked at each other.

“I’m okay,” Ai Di finally answered, his voice coarse and smaller than he
wanted it to sound.

He squeezed where his fingers still wrapped around Chen Yi’s arm and
swallowed the bitter taste that had pooled in his mouth.

It was Chen Yi’s turn to draw in a stuttering breath and Ai Di hated himself
for the pained expression the older one wore.

Because it was his fault. He put it there.

Ai Di closed his eyes, more tears clinging to his lashes. “I’m sorry,” he
whispered.

They had fun. They were intimate. It had been great.

And then he had ruined it.

All because of these stupid memories… All because his stupid head just
couldn’t bury the past.

He finally had Chen Yi by his side. They were happy.

And Chen Yi was gentle with him since they got together. Sometimes more
than Ai Di liked.

So how?

How could he even remotely connect Chen Yi’s touch with…

“I’m sorry,” he repeated again, a whine slipping from his throat as he tried to
swallow the shame he felt.

“No,” Chen Yi countered firmly as he leaned down to press a soft kiss against
Ai Di’s forehead. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Another kiss, this time to Ai Di’s left eye. Then the right.
Ai Di felt his chest tremble with suppressed sobs and Chen Yi must have
done the same as his hand left Ai Di’s face, his strong arm pushing its way
below Ai Di’s body to pull him into a tight hug.

His face buried in Chen Yi’s neck, Ai Di finally found his chest loosen and tiny
sobs spilled from his lips. Chen Yi held him firmly against his chest and
pressed soothing kisses into his temple.

“I’m sorry,” Chen Yi repeated. “I should have been more careful.”

Ai Di wanted to protest, assure him he did nothing wrong, but all he could do
was shake his head into the wet crook of Chen Yi’s neck and wrap his arms
tightly around him.

They stayed like this for a long time, holding onto each other, and Ai Di
breathed in Chen Yi’s smell. Sweet, warm and slightly salty.

It smelled like home.

And it settled something in his chest, allowing him to breathe normally

again.

Ai Di was grateful. Because Chen Yi didn’t blame him.

Because despite all his worry, he didn’t ask what was wrong with Ai Di. He
didn’t ask what made him react like this. Didn’t ask for details or
explanations.

He just understood.

Accepted.

And held onto Ai Di despite all of it.

When Ai Di slowly withdrew his head from Chen Yi’s neck, Chen Yi had
shifted them to the side, so his cheek was resting on the older one’s biceps.

Chen Yi‘s fingers were still caressing his blond hair, and it made Ai Di feel
warm and comfortable.

For a moment, the two of them just looked at each other, their eyes soft as
they took in the other one’s face. Then Chen Yi leaned forward and pressed a
kiss onto Ai Di’s nose, then his lips.

“Better?” he asked and Ai Di closed his eyes at the tangible rumble of Chen
Yi’s voice against his own chests, vibrating against his ribs.
He nodded, a small smile pulling on the corners of his lips as he closed his
eyes for a moment. “Yeah. Better,” he assured.

When he opened his eyes again, he found Chen Yi looking at him from up
close, the older one’s eyes flickering from his lips to his eyes.

He looked relieved, but Ai Di knew him well enough to recognize the worried
tension of his lips.

He had put that worry there.

“I’m sorry,” Ai Di started again, but Chen Yi cut him off with a sharp flick of a
finger against his forehead.

Chen Yi clicked his tongue. “Stop apologizing,” he reprimanded and when Ai

Di was about to protest, he bit him playfully in the tip of his nose.

“You did nothing wrong,” Chen Yi said pointedly, eyes looking at Ai Di with
such intensity that the younger one couldn’t help but press his lips shut.

When Chen Yi’s expression didn’t lighten up, Ai Di sighed before giving a
small, curt nod as an answer.

This finally seemed to do the trick as Chen Yi’s lips curled up into a smile
and he leaned forward to kiss Ai Di.

When Chen Yi pulled back, it was Ai Di’s turn to lean forward and catch the
older one’s lips with his. His fingers curling into the soft strands of hair on
Chen Yi’s neck, Ai Di turned his head slightly to adjust for a better angle.

He licked against Chen Yi’s lips almost timidly and sighed out a small breath
of relief when the older one opened his lips happily, tongue immediately
greeting Ai Di’s with a playful push.

Their kiss started playful and sweet, but Ai Di quickly noticed the heat the
taste of Chen Yi’s mouth made bloom again in his lower abdomen.

He definitely was getting hard again. And Chen Yi, pushing his hips into Ai
Di’s, made sure to let him know that he wasn’t the only one.

Ai Di let out a breathy moan at the friction, and Chen Yi used the opportunity
to lick deeper into the younger one’s mouth.

Knowing how to drive Ai Di crazy by now, Chen Yi teasingly licked the roof of
the younger one’s mouth, making Ai Di’s gums tingle.
Chen Yi’s hands wandered, his fingers tracing Ai Di’s collar bones down over
his chest to his nipples before tracing his ribcage.

Ai Di arched his back, pushing himself closer to the warmth of Chen Yi’s
fingers. The honest reaction made Chen Yi smile, dimples showing on his
cheeks that Ai Di immediately chased to cover with a kiss.

With a mixture or a huff and a laugh, Chen Yi grabbed Ai Di by his hips.

Distracting the younger one with a heated kiss, Chen Yi turned them over so
his tall frame pressed Ai Di’s back into the soft mattress below them.

Ai Di’s legs instinctively fell open, allowing Chen Yi to settle in tightly

between them.

Chen Yi watched him with wide pupils as he rolled his hips, causing Ai Di to
throw his head back in a silent moan, exposing his slender neck.

And Chen Yi didn’t even pretend to be unaffected by the sight: Immediately,

he pounced on Ai Di, sucking what Ai Di was sure would be a sizable hickey
into the left side of his neck.

The blond lifted his hands to Chen Yi’s back, his blunt fingernails digging
sharply into the muscles there, causing Chen Yi to gasp at the sudden pain.

Chen Yi promptly retaliated with a small bite to Ai Di’s collarbone.

With a grin, Ai Di dug his nails even deeper into Chen Yi’s back, dragging
them in an attempt to mark him up just as good as Chen Yi marked him.

Chen Yi’s hips buckled, his erection pressing hotly against Ai Di’s, causing
both of them to moan hotly into each other’s neck. Ai Di was busy licking
Chen Yi’s earlobe when the older one pulled Ai Di’s hands from his body to
pin them above the smaller one’s head.

Once Ai Di’s hands hit the pillow above him, Chen Yi stilled for a moment.
His pupils were still blown with desire, but his eyes searched Ai Di’s face
carefully.

“Is this okay?” he asked and Ai Di felt a ping of guilt for making him ask.

He took a deep breath, exhaling the feeling of guilt to make space for the
fondness he had for the man looming above him. With a smile, Ai Di gave a
curt nod and lifted his head just enough to press a small kiss on Chen Yi’s
lips.

And this seemed enough to melt the worried lines from Chen Yi’s face.
Chen Yi leaned down, catching Ai Di’s lips with his once, twice before moving
on to kiss the corner of his mouth. Then his cheek. And chin. And down his
neck.

Ai Di squirmed under the tenderness, hands still pinned above his head by
one of Chen Yi’s firm hands, and turned his head to allow Chen Yi better
access.

Chen Yi sucked another hickey into his skin, hard enough to make Ai Di gasp
at the delicious pain.

His hips moved in stuttering circles, searching for more friction, more
pleasure, more of Chen Yi. And he was sure he could feel Chen Yi’s lips curl
into a smile against his skin as the older one slowly kissed his way lower.

Chen Yi teased Ai Di with some thorough licks over his sensitive left nipple,
as his free hand drew absentminded patterns on his sides.

When Chen Yi’s fingers traced the outline of the scars on Ai Di’s rib cage, the
younger one took a sharp breath, holding it as his eyes closed for a moment.

Chen Yi observed his reaction, his fingers soft and warm where they rested
against the edge of the biggest of his scars. After a brief moment, Ai Di
opened his eyes to look down at Chen Yi and he wasn’t sure how to read the
older one’s expression.

There was sadness and a tinge of anger, but also worry and fondness and
questions. And Ai Di felt that one day he needed to share the story behind
his scars, physical and psychological alike, with Chen Yi.

He deserved to know.

But he was relieved that Chen Yi didn’t ask. Didn’t pressure.

Instead, Chen Yi’s lips curled up in a small, sad smile and he leaned down to
press a reverent kiss onto the scar.

The gesture took Ai Di by surprise, making him draw in a sharp breath and
close his eyes to fight against the sudden urge to cry. Not because he was
hurt by Chen Yi’s actions. But because he loved this man.

He loved this stupid man with all his heart.

When Ai Di reopened his eyes, Chen Yi was right in front of him, a small
smile playing on his lips as he gave Ai Di’s hands a reassuring squeeze.
“I love you,” Chen Yi stated, simple but firm, his eyes never leaving Ai Di’s
and Ai Di’s chest warmed at the words.

“I love you, too,” he replied and it should have been scary how much he
meant it, felt it in every fiber of his heart. But it wasn’t.

Chen Yi let go of Ai Di’s hands to fist Ai Di’s hair instead, pulling his head
gently to the side to kiss him deeply. Their tongues were grappling for a
while as Ai Di’s now free hands roamed Chen Yi’s body.

He ran his fingers over his back, revisiting the red lines his nails had painted
on Chen Yi’s skin. Finding their way down Chen Yi’s back, Ai Di’s hands then
moved on to his firm ass, up his sides and finally to his chest.

Ai Di loved the fact that he was allowed to touch Chen Yi like this now.
Freely. Shamelessly.

Like no one else was allowed to.

And Chen Yi seemed to feel the same way about Ai Di’s body. He had always
been hands-on with him, the only one allowed to yank and hug and carry Ai
Di.

But where Ai Di used to protest, however artificially, in any of these

situations and push him away, Chen Yi now was allowed to linger in his
space.

And when it was just the two of them, Ai Di gave up any pretense and leaned
into his touches wholeheartedly. Hungrily, even.

And Chen Yi visibly basked in that knowledge.

Same as he did just now, making sure to touch every inch of Ai Di’s chest, his
tiny waist, his thighs, his ass.

Slowly, Chen Yi rubbed a finger between Ai Di’s ass cheeks, probing and
giving Ai Di the chance to protest.

Ai Di loved him for being so considerate with him, while at the same time he
felt the urge to hit him over the head to just get on with it.

As if to make a point, Ai Di moved his hips, gasping when the movement

caused Chen Yi’s finger to rub directly over his entrance.
Chen Yi stilled for a moment and when Ai Di groaned at him in frustration,
he found the other to look at him with dazed fondness in his eyes and a grin
blooming on his lips.

And that was all it took to get both of them back into the action.

Chen Yi worked Ai Di open, carefully but with a frantic rush to his

movements that drove Ai Di crazy with want.

One to take as well as he received, Ai Di’s fingers wrapped around Chen Yi’s
length and worked him over in long, wet strokes. His movements were
determined, only stuttered slightly whenever Chen Yi hit the right spot inside
of him.

“That’s good enough,” he declared, when the desire in his lower belly grew
too hot, and he caught Chen Yi’s lips between his teeth.

Chen Yi just chuckled. “Oh, yeah?” he teased, as he reached for the lube to
slick himself up some more. “You think you’re ready for me?”

Ai Di huffed and impatiently slung his legs around Chen Yi’s hips.

“I’ve been ready for like 8 years,” he stated with an eyebrow raised. “Get with
the program.”

Chen Yi laughed at that, one of his rare belly laughs and it made Ai Di’s face
split with a smile. He bit his lip in a smile as he lined himself up.

“Your wish is my command, I guess,” he replied teasingly, and any comeback

Ai Di had went out the window as the feeling of Chen Yi entering him made
him throw back his head in a low, heady moan.

When Chen Yi was fully inside of him, Ai Di’s hand loosened slightly where he
had gripped Chen Yi’s biceps.

“You feel so good,” he heard Chen Yi murmur against his collarbone and the
reverential tone of the older one’s voice made warmth bloom in his chest.

Chen Yi’s sweaty head rested on Ai Di’s shoulder as if the sensation of

feeling Ai Di around him made him lose the strength to keep himself up.

The thought made Ai Di giddy.

“I like this,” Ai Di admitted after a few seconds of just enjoying the feeling of
feeling Chen Yi.
The older one lifted his head and looked at him, one eyebrow raised in a
silent question.

“Being able to look at you,” Ai Di explained, and he suddenly felt

embarrassed. Chen Yi just looked at him with, giving Ai Di time to explain
further. Ai Di averted his eyes, somehow unable to meet Chen Yi’s gaze while
laying his heart open.

“I like… You know… Seeing your face while we’re doing this.”

Chen Yi looked at him silently for a moment, his eyes searching Ai Di’s face.
Then, his smile turned wider, and he leaned down to kiss Ai Di.

Once, twice, thrice on the mouth, before pulling back just enough to see Ai
Di’s full face.

“Me, too,” he stated. “I like seeing you, too.”

He leaned down to nuzzle into Ai Di’s neck, pressing a wet kiss onto the
younger one’s ear. Ai Di swore he felt the grin on Chen Yi’s face when he
whispered “… Especially your face when you cum.”

Cheeks suddenly hot with embarrassment, he let out an indignant squeak

and tensed his legs around Chen Yi, causing both of them to jolt and laugh.

“You’re insufferable!” Ai Di exclaimed as he playfully hit Chen Yi over the

head, but the older one just laughed.

“That makes us two then, I guess.”

Before Ai Di could reply anything, Chen Yi shut him up with a twist of his
hips that caused Ai Di’s breath to stutter.

When Ai Di finally came, his fingers tightened around Chen Yi’s where their
hands were intertwined.

His back arched off the mattress, caged in by Chen Yi’s muscular body, while
the older one looked down at Ai Di’s flushed face, smiling.

“I knew it,” he huffed. “Seeing you like this really is the best.”

Ai Di, still loose and dizzy from his orgasm, just shook his head, huffing out
a laugh.

He placed both his hands on Chen Yi’s cheeks and looked up at him.
“Then I think it’s my turn now,” he announced. Chen Yi tilted his head slightly
in confusion, causing Ai Di to roll his eyes.

He pushed Chen Yi deeper inside of him by his legs and clenched his
muscles slightly to elicit a rumbling moan from the older one that made Ai Di
grin in delight.

“It’s my turn to watch you come now.”

And Chen Yi certainly didn’t need much more prompting than that…
 1,460 Days From You
Their reunion is nothing spectacular. Nothing you would expect from lovers
torn apart by forces stronger than they. No, it's not the tears, and the
desperate hugs, and words of missing.

Chen Yi is there - leaning against a sleek blue car - when he crosses the
gates with Bai Zongyi beside him. He looks better than Ai Di could ever
remember.

"Get in," Chen Yi says, and their gazes lock. He can't move even if he wants
to obey the cold command. Instead, he speaks to his friend.

"Bai Zongyi, remember to go home," he says, though eyes never leave Chen
Yi. He can't look away, like he's frozen in his lover's stare. "Go left at the buss
stop," he pauses as Chen Yi pushes away from the car - standing before him
in two strides - and suddenly Ai Di has to look up to him. Had he always
been so tall? Had his jaw always been so sharp? Had his eyes always been so
intense?

"I'll find you later," Ai Di manages to get out as Chen Yi takes his wrist and
pulls him toward the car, then carefully pushes him inside after taking his
bag.

The drive is quiet but filled with static. He doesn't know what to say. Doesn't
know what not to say. Doesn't know where to start. There's so much. There's
so much lost.

Their arrival back to the hideout is embarrassing for him. The moment he
steps out of the car, all the old faces of friends are standing there.

The "welcome home, Ai Di" has him cringing. He's happy to see everyone, but
this is too much.

Chen Yi saves him from too much embarrassment though, by taking his wrist
and pulling him inside.

There's a table set up, and at a quick glance he can see that it's all of his
favorite things. All spicy. Things Chen Yi hates. For the first time he feels like
crying. Maybe he can blame the spices, say it made his eyes water.

But he doesn't cry. He's tough after all, been through way too much to cry
over food.
"Eat," Chen Yi says, taking a seat. So Ai Di does, sitting right across from
him.

He can feel Chen Yi's eyes on him, and it's a lot. He picks up the chop sticks
and grabs the nearest bowl, shoving two scoops in his mouth.

"Why did you do that?" Chen Yi asks, voice the same cold monotone it's been
since he first spoke at the gate. But now with the added crease in his brow,
sadness in his eyes, there's obvious hurt etched into his handsome features.

It's simple words but a loaded question and Ai Di doesn't know how to
respond. How does he tell Chen Yi the boss he admired for years, who raised
them both, had been the cause of so much hurt?

Chen Yi will be heartbroken, furious. He'll call Ai Di stupid, tell him he would
have protected the both of them. But what he doesn't fear - that Ai Di does -
is the undeniable power the boss has. He could have had Chen Yi hurt, or
worse. Ai Di doesn't want to think about the possibilities.

The least Ai Di could do is go to jail for a few years to protect the man he
loves - to somehow compensate for all the times Chen Yi had protected him.

But he can't tell the truth, so he tries his best to lie, knowing the length of his
silence is getting suspicious.

"I did it for Bai Zongyi. He's my friend. I knew someone was going in
to hurt him."

Chen Yi just frowns deeper. Of course he's not buying that answer.

"Why did you do it on that night, of all nights?"

Ai Di feels cornered. Uncomfortable. He can't keep up this lie. He has always

been the best at acting nonchalant, being dismissive. So he stands and
makes to walk away but Chen Yi grabs his wrist.

Ai Di grits his teeth. He picks at his pinky with his thumb. "I told you. It was
for Bai Zongyi."

Chen Yi pulls him back, traps him against the table. Not letting him leave. He
lowers his eyes to Chen Yi's chest and freezes. How had he not noticed
before? There, hanging around his neck is the dog tag he had left for their
birthday. Chen Yi had found it. He wants to cry, and run, and scream, and yet
stay and kiss this man into oblivion. Why aren't they kissing?
"I want a reason. Why?" Chen Yi says, low and close to his ear, jolting him
back to the present.

"I'm tired," Ad Di says, avoiding is his best option now. He pushes Chen Yi's
hands away and heads towards Chen Yi's room.

Chen Yi's room. He missed it. The darkness, and the coziness, and its
truthfully one of the only places he ever felt he could let his guard down and
relax.

He wastes no time kicking off his sneakers and crawling straight into the
middle, burying his face in the pillows. He breathes deeply, inhaling a scent
that is just so Chen Yi. The same scent he's loved for years. He could
suffocate on it.

The bed moves and then there's Chen Yi, and he's everywhere. Above,
beneath, and deep within his lungs. He cannot escape and never wants to
anyway. Chen Yi can tie him here, and he'd be ok with it.

"Talk to me," Chen Yi breathes against his ear and he shudders. Having him
this close, he remembers how it was to be held by him, pressed down and
pinned under his weight. The 'missing' crashes into him violently. All he
wants is to not waste another minute with Chen Yi. He wants to erase the
hurt and longing he's felt for the last 4 years. He'll deal with the difficulties of
talking later. Right now he wants to do what's easy for him, which is loving
this man.

"Don't wanna talk. Not now," he murmurs, pushing against Chen Yi until he's
allowed to roll over, and when he meets Chen Yi's dark chocolate eyes for the
first time since the car, he breaks.

His heart feels like someone took a stone and threw it at a glass window.
Then took a sledge hammer and pulverized every piece into dust.

But then there's Chen Yi, strong and constant. He's always been good at
cleaning up Ai Di's messes.

He loops hands around his neck, feeling the smooth, shaved sides of his
undercut, and pulls him down until their foreheads connect.

"Touch me," he pleads, and his voice cracks but it's ok. He's not ashamed
when Chen Yi is there.
Chen Yi makes a sound so raw and deep, it reverberates into his skin, and his
whole body, probably because he presses it right into the place beneath his
ear.

And then, catching him completely off guard, Chen Yi moves and crashes
their lips together, sending his heart into his stomach like he's on a roller
coaster and he didn't see the drop coming.

It's absolutely ravenous, and though Ai Di had wondered before if Chen Yi

still felt the same towards him - because of his cold attitude - his doubts
were cleared up now. Chen Yi had been containing himself, when all he
wanted was to hold his lover again.

Fingers drag through now straight black hair. Chen Yi misses the spunky
blond he used to sport. Misses his little lover, and that fiery personality so
much. He wants to be burned by Ai Di.

'Ai Di,' he thinks, a mantra in his head. He's here, finally. It feels like a
fantasy. It feels like a mirage. He doesn't want this to just be sand that will
slip through his fingers.

Ai Di pushes him over and he goes willingly. He loves this part of Ai Di, that
knows what he wants, and takes it. And it feels good to have his solid weight
on top of him.

"Chen Yi," he sighs, raking eyes over the mans face, wanting to burn it
forever into his memory. "Am I dreaming?" He asks this, needing to be sure,
even though he feels the solid weight under him.

Chen Yi smiles, takes his hand to lightly bite a finger. "Come and find out,"
he husks, and Ai Di doesn't need further invitation.

He wastes no time in pulling off his shirt, grabbing Chen Yi to pull him up
and he lifts his arms to assist in the removal of his own.

Once these annoying barriers are gone, he pulls him into an embrace. Feels
his skin again like it's the first time. Ai Di brushes fingers over dark ink,
presses kisses to his shoulder.

Then he pushes him back down, chases his lips, and he's missed everything.
Chen Yi's smell. Chen Yi's hair, Chen Yi's taste, just Chen Yi, Chen Yi, 'Chen
Yi.'

His kisses lead to the tag Ai Di noticed earlier. He takes it between his finger,
brushes a thumb over it. 'Chen Yi.' He wishes he could have given it to him.
Tears well in his eyes, and though he hates crying, a traitorous tear drips
onto Chen Yi's cheek.

Chen Yi just takes his face in hands, pulls him back into a kiss that grounds
him, calms the earthquake within, yet lights a fire.

And when Ai Di takes his fill of scorching kisses, he trails those kisses south,
needing to feel, to taste once again. Needs to let this man know how much
he wants him.

He forgot how good it feels to be with Chen Yi like this. Hates that time has
stolen these memories. He wants to lock Chen Yi in this room and hold him
until he can somehow make up for all the lost time.

Once, he knew Chen Yi's body so well, still does somewhat, but it's different
as too. It's obvious that Chen Yi had dedicated himself to some rigorous
training over the years. As a distraction, to be sure. His chest is much more
firm, shoulders much more broad, stomach showing prominent chiseled
lines, and arms like steel around his waist. He takes joy in familiarizing
himself with these changes. And though new as these are, there's only one
thing that causes him to pause.

It's after a trail of hungry kisses, as Ai Di is hastily pulling at the buttons and
zipper, and tugging on the matching black jeans and boxers - because he's
impatient, after all - he freezes, eyes locked on to Chen Yi's pelvis, just shy
of his right hip bone. There's a new patch of ink he knows wasn't there
before. And he'll be damned if that isn't a tattoo for him.

It's a simple red chili pepper, with the word 'vixen' scrawled beneath it. He
feels like he just ate ten of them. Ai Di looks up for silly clarification of what
he already knows. Chen Yi is already looking down at him, wondering why he
had stopped. Having seen the reason, he smirks. That's all the answer he
needs.

He's back up Chen Yi's body in a second, kissing him with a new found fever.
There's so many questions, like when and why but there's a thirst that needs
to be quenched first.

It's a haze of heated touches and wet kisses, tugging, pushing, pulling - and
almost tearing on Chen Yi's part - at clothing until finally he pushes up into
Ai Di.

"Fuck,' Ai Di all but whines, in his breathy voice that gets Chen Yi so hard.
He, too, has forgotten just how electrifying it is to be connected to Ai Di like
this. He smiles against pale skin, a stark contrast to his own sun kissed. Ad
Di has always been that opposite for him. Where Chen Yi had to be in
control, always responsible, always sober, always cleaning up the messes, Ai
Di had been the reckless one. Always wild, always free, always the problem
maker. Now, Chen Yi wants to be just like him. He wants to lose control, and
he wants to mess some things up. He opens his eyes against a thin
collarbone, decides that's the place he'll start. He opens his mouth and
closes teeth around skin, eliciting a gasp from his lover. He soothes his
tongue over the mark, then moves and bites again...and again, and again. He
kisses up the side of Ai Di's throat, and brushes his fingers where a choker
necklace used to be. He misses it, but soon enough. All those years ago he
bought Ai Di a new choker, but was never able to give it to him since he
disappeared that next morning.

It's been too long, and he definitely won't last with the way Ai Di is moving
above him. It's his favorite way to have him, letting the younger set his own
pace and find what feels good to him. And when it's not enough, Chen Yi
snaps his hips up and those gorgeous moans are tumbling from Ai Di's lips.
And he loves to feel his weight, and to hug him tight.

"Di," Chen Yi calls, needing to know Ai Di is there with him.

"Close," Ai Di moans, fingers digging, scratching at the ink on Chen Yi's

back. He quickens, pressing up to meet each of Ai Di's grinds.

"Di," he groans again hotly into his lover's ear, and then they're gone.

"Fuck... Chen Yi," Ai Di moans as he comes, a string of expletives and Chen

Yi's name all jumbled together. And the tightening and fluttering of his walls
around Chen Yi has him coming with husky moans against Ai Di's neck.

It's violent, crashing, rolling waves of intoxicating pleasure. Ai Di has never

felt so high, yet so grounded in the arms of the man he loves the most.

Ai Di wakes to all his favorite things. Things that were gone for so long he
thought he'd never feel them again.

All things that are linked to Chen Yi. Chen Yi's soft, warm bed sheets,Chen
Yi's heady scent mixed with the smell of motor oil that always seems to cling
to him, Chen Yi's solid chest beneath his cheek and...Ai Di's eyes pop open.
Just then, lost in his thoughts and all these sensations, he had swallowed and
felt the old, vague, but somehow still so familiar feel of constriction around
his throat.
He slides his hand up along Chen Yi's abdomen where it had been resting at
his waist - on his tattoo - until he comes to his own neck and brushes
fingers over the leather choker, feeling the metal hoop at the center.

Then Chen Yi is taking his chin and tilting his head up until their eyes meet.
Ai Di can't help feeling embarrassed remembering their night together.

But aside from the embarrassment, it's Chen Yi's gentle smile that has him
blushing. Those dimples...

"You like it?" He asks, and Ai Di realizes that this is a gift, but much more
than that. This man had put a collar on him. And he'd be lying if he said that
didn't turn him on. Chen Yi notices from the way they are pressed together,
feeling the twitch against his hip. He raises an eyebrow at that.

"Mm," is all Ai Di can reply, humming his affirmation.

Chen Yi seems relieved, letting his chin go and relaxing back into the pillows.
But he won't look at Ai Di when he says, "I bought it for you, all those years
ago. I planned to give it to you that morning but... you were gone."

"Chen Yi," Ai Di says, like an apology, like a warning, like a plea. It cuts him
to the heart. He never left because he wanted to. Chen Yi has to know that.

"I never wanted to leave you," he says, caressing Chen Yi's cheek.

"You were helping me," Chen Yi says, with so much gentleness and
understanding in his eyes. How he knows that, Ai Di doesn't understand, but
he knows he doesn't want to face it. If Chen Yi knew why, he'd surely go after
the boss, and that will never end well.

"You're so annoying. I told you Bai Zongyi is my friend. And it's been 4 years
since Zhang Ten's case has been resolved. Why do you keep bringing this
up?" That's what he says instead, trys to act irritated and starts to pull away
but Chen Yi's arm is like steel around his waist, and he grabs his wrist,
pulling Ai Di's arm up between them.

"It's been many years, and I may not know everything about you," he says, in
that low husky voice that makes Ai Di's knees weak when he's standing, "but
I know you pick your pinky when you lie."

Ai Di sighs, moving the hand in discussion to lace their fingers together.

Chen Yi is stubborn. Always has been and is apparently even more stubborn
after these years. There really is no way he can avoid this.
"I did it for you" he admits, looking anywhere but Chen Yi's eyes. Which
doesn't work for long because Chen Yi takes his chin and forces him to look
at him, handsome features demanding an explanation.

"Why?"

So he really never found out the truth? Ai Di goes on to reluctantly explain.

How the boss had threatened to harm Chen Yi, forcing him to cover up and
take the blame for Chen Yi. And - Ai Di realizes now - to punish Chen Yi for
what happened. The boss had used them against each other, knowing the
only weakness they both had, was each other.

Chen Yi... he's never seen so much anger on the mans face. He looks ready
to bolt. Thankfully Ai Di is there, holding him in place, a soothing hand on
his cheek.

"It's not your fault that Zhongyi and Zhurei got hurt that night. Don't you ever
think that."

Chen Yi takes his hand again, impossibly gently as he presses kisses to each
knuckle. To think of the thugs he's beat up, that he would kill... and yet to be
so gentle. Only with Ai Di.

"No, it's not my fault. It's Zang Teng's. But it is my fault for not protecting
you. I should have gone in your place."

"Don't, Chen Yi. Who knows what the boss would have done to me while you
were away. If you went... it's then that I would have been without your
protection."

Chen Yi's eyes widened at that realization. He knows it's true. But then he
looks so angry. Angry at the boss, angry at Zang Teng, angry at the time they
lost, angry at himself for being so useless.

He flips Ai Di over, to which the younger gasps, not expecting that sudden
change.

Chen Yi goes for his neck, intent on having this man over and over again,
despising how much he's lost. But Ai Di stops him, pushing against his chest.

"Again?" he asks, "I'm sore," and he blushes as he says it.

Chen Yi laughs, and Ai Di is happy he made the stress melt from this mans
face. "Ai Di, I've been waiting all these years. Please, I need to have you."

And it dawns on him then. "Wait... you haven't... since..."

Chen Yi sits back a bit, eyebrows furrowed. "Of course I haven't slept with
anyone. How could I? You're the only thing I could think about."

Ai Di loves him, so, so, much. Chen Yi's face breaks into a smile as he feels
Ai Di reacting to these words. And the younger realizes he never used to
smile this much. Did he change that?

Fine then. Who is he to deny it? He wants him too. But he wants to feel the
weight and heat of Chen Yi on his tongue. He's never tried it before. Wants to
know the feeling of having the power over this man, of making him fall apart
just from his mouth. Wants to feel fingers tugging at his hair, hips jerking
beneath him, and wants to hear those deep, guttural groans falling from
those sinful lips.

He flips Chen Yi over and kisses him once and full of tongue, then licks a
stripe along the shell of his ear where he whispers, "Ok then, but we're doing
this my way, and I'm not stopping until you're leaking down my throat and I
suck you dry to the point of oversensitivity." And Chen Yi makes the most
fucked sound Ai Di has ever heard.

So he does just that, kissing down Chen Yi's chiseled torso, licking at that
tattoo on his pelvis, and then pulling back a bit to look at what he's about to
have in his mouth.

Chen Yi is huge, and cut, and hard. Ai Di blushes because he's never had one
in his face before but he likes it. Likes that it's Chen Yi. He's never been to
good at thinking things through, so he just goes for it. He wraps a hand
around the base and then opens his mouth to take him in, and there's a hand
at the back of his neck, guiding. 'Shit,' he thinks, rubbing his own hips
against the bed. He may come from this.

Chen Yi gives his jaw a good stretch, and he's proud to be able to take Chen
Yi until his lips meet his own hand. And then he starts to bob his head, that
hand guiding him. He shivers. Ai Di knows he has a kink for that, being
controlled. And out of nowhere, he thinks that he want's Chen Yi to feed him
his dick. He moans around Chen Yi, which has the man cussing, hips jerking.

Yeah, Ai Di wants to feel it. He resists the hand holding him to pull off, and
waits until Chen Yi looks at him. And if that confused, heavy lidded gaze isn't
the sexiest thing he's ever seen. Chen Yi, an image of nothing but strength
and control, looks absolutely fucked.

Ai Di licks his lips, anything to get his lover more riled up. "Feed me," he says
opening his mouth, waiting.
"Shit, Ai Di," Chen Yi groans. He takes himself in his hand, rubs the bead of
pre-cum on Ai Di's lower lip, then sinks into the warmth. It wont be long.

He guides Ai Di up and down, amazed at how beautiful this man is. How did
he get so lucky?

It's moments later that he's spilling down Ai Di's throat, cursing, and
moaning, and tugging at Ai Di's hair, who keeps his promise and sucks until
Chen Yi is completely spent and oversensitive and has to physically pull the
little vixen off.

Then he is pulling Ai Di up to hug him tight, needing him close so

desperately. Holding him brings Chen Yi back to earth, and he takes Ai Di's
face in his hands, to look at him. He has every intention of taking care of his
lovers hardness pressed to his hip, to make him moan and scream his name
until the younger's voice is raspy for days, but first he needs to make
something known.

"Di... I love you."

Ai Di's eyes water, and he's smiling as he kisses him, once, twice.

"I love you too. Always have. Always will. I'll never stop looking at you."
 ChenAi CP through the years
6/9

Ai Di hadn’t had a happy childhood. His mother was an addict and never
cared about him, even when he’d lived with her. She left him alone one day
and didn’t come back. For all he knew, she was dead. She might as well be;
she hadn’t spoken to him since he was six.

He’d never met his father, but he knew his mother had hated him, hated Ai
Di too, probably. Mercifully, he’d been found walking around in his
neighborhood by some older ladies. They had picked him up and taken him
to an orphanage run by the state. Even then, Ai Di was much smaller than the
other boys his age, and more prone to illness, too. The grimy orphanage and
the lack of fresh air meant that disease was common, and Ai Di quickly
became very sick. He didn’t remember very much of that time, he’d only
been six, after all, and the fever left him unconscious most of the time. He
did remember that there was an older boy who’d caused a big fuss about
how poorly he looked, how hot his skin felt, and how he hadn’t been out of
bed for days. That boy was struck around the ears for the tantrum he was
throwing, but the nurse was called anyway and Ai Di was taken to an
infirmary and nursed back to relative health.

When Ai Di was returned to the orphanage, he found the older boy and clung
to him. His name was Chen Yi, and he didn’t seem to mind the way Ai Di
never left him alone. Ai Di adored him. He was tall for his age and so kind, so
responsible. He was tenacious and upstanding, even in their situation, and
everything was going to be fine as long as he was around.

8/11

This orphanage was in the territory of a well-known gang leader, Chen Dong
Yang. He didn’t have much to do with the orphanage, but he had given
money to the staff under the table before, since they’d helped him falsify
documents in the past. Word got out that he was looking for someone to
raise as his right-hand, and of course Chen Yi was chosen. He was capable,
accountable, and tough, and the orphanage staff had recommended him
wholeheartedly.

To Chen Dong Yang’s amusement, however, the boy wouldn’t go without his
little friend. Chen Dong Yang couldn’t really see much use for the other boy,
who looked weak and clingy, but what was the harm in letting Chen Yi bring
his friend home? It wasn’t as if he couldn’t afford it.

Ai Di was happy to be out of the orphanage, of course, but he didn’t like the
way Chen Dong Yang looked at Chen Yi. Ai Di thought he seemed greedy and
unprincipled, and he treated Chen Yi like a prize animal. But when he voiced
those concerns to Chen Yi, he could see how anxious and weary it made him
feel. Chen Yi was shouldering all of this by himself; Ai Di was only eight years
old and whatever Chen Yi claimed, Ai Di knew he had been a burden on him.
It was thanks to Chen Yi that they were safely out of the orphanage and had
the opportunities to live well and attend school. So, if Ai Di felt suspicious of
Chen Dong Yang, he forced those feelings down, and tried to be happy, for
Chen Yi.

The boys lived comfortably in Chen Dong Yang’s house, were enrolled in
school together, and for a while, enjoyed a peaceful life.

13/16

He couldn’t say when it started, because maybe it had always been true, but
definitely by his thirteenth birthday, Ai Di knew what he felt for Chen Yi was
love. He wanted Chen Yi to kiss him and hold him, to protect him and think
of him, to want him. And, though Chen Yi was three years older, there were
times when he thought, or hoped, he could feel his affections being
returned, when he could imagine that one day Chen Yi would love him back
in the way he desperately wanted. Sometimes if they were laughing together,
Chen Yi would look down at Ai Di’s lips and Ai Di would see his smile
deepen. Sometimes Chen Yi’s hands, absentmindedly touching his back,
would linger a little longer than usual, sending a tickle down Ai Di’s spine.

In those days, they were always together, sharing the kind of closeness that
pushes outsiders away, makes them gawk at you. They would hang off each
other in the halls, share cokes, doze off on the other’s shoulder while sitting
by the basketball court, laugh loudly at jokes together that only they knew,
and sneak away in the middle of the day just to be in each other’s company.
Chen Yi didn’t care that Ai Di had a bad temper or poked fun at him. He
didn’t mind it when Ai Di gave him a cold shoulder or kicked him in the shins
or annoyed him with questions. Ai Di’s insults or pinches or kicks didn’t faze
him, he took all of them in stride or playfully returned them. He was
immovable; he was perfect. And when Ai Di couldn’t be near him, when they
had class, Ai Di came across as reserved and stand-offish. The other
students took offense at the way his demeanor and mood only improved
when he was together with Chen Yi, as if he cared enough to insult them. He
heard their whispered comments when he was alone about his
arrogance, who the fuck does he think he is? He’s never once smiled at
me. Not to mention the pair of them, I can’t believe they act like that…
they’re brothers, it’s doubly disgusting! But Ai Di didn’t care. When he and
Chen Yi were together, it was easy for Ai Di to imagine that they always
would be; after all, it made the rest of the world feel so inconsequential.
Conversation came so easily to them, silence that would have been awkward
around someone else became so bearable, pressure melted away. But it
meant that Ai Di always lived with a little bit of worry, that even his most
innocent feelings for Chen Yi weren’t completely returned, that Chen Yi could
find someone he’d rather spend his time with. Ai Di worried that even if he
was happy to never speak to anyone else for the rest of his life, Chen Yi
wasn’t. And where would that leave Ai Di, whom others believed to be rude
and arrogant, who’d never planned to be apart from Chen Yi at all?

And he wasn’t sure when it happened, because it happened slowly, but one
day Ai Di noticed that Chen Yi felt farther from him than he had since they’d
met. He was still around most of the time, but he didn’t smile as much, and
he barely laughed at all. He spent more and more time with the older gang
members, and cared less than ever about his schoolwork (which had never
been a priority, anyway). Chen Dong Yang started to give him more
responsibilities, so his gang involvement rapidly picked up, and Ai Di was left
feeling, well, left out, and overlooked.

14/17

Then, right around the time they left school, Ai Di figured out what had been
so appealing as to pull Chen Yi’s focus all of a sudden. They’d been called to
a dinner with the boss and Ai Di’s eyes were fixed on Chen Yi’s profile, as
they frequently were. But Chen Yi’s eyes tonight weren’t idly skimming a
logbook or squinting at his phone or glaring at a subordinate… They were
filled with longing and adoration, trained on the man who’d been their
benefactor for the past six years. Ai Di’s heart squeezed in his chest and his
already low mood plummeted. His eyes traveled back and forth that night
between Chen Yi and their boss. He watched Chen Dong Yang laugh, his
tanned skin crinkling at the corners of his narrow, black eyes, his thin lips
parting handsomely to reveal a set of large, white teeth. He clapped a large,
calloused hand on Chen Yi’s back, causing Chen Yi to flinch, almost
imperceivably, and to flush just barely at the tips of the ears. The dinner that
was served tasted of ash and Ai Di barely engaged in or even heard any
conversation. Ai Di watched the dinner unfold as if he were an unseen
spectator, Chen Dong Yang’s smile becoming cartoonish and vulgar, looking
more predatory, evil, with every second he stared at it. Old, almost-forgotten
misgivings he’d had about Chen Dong Yang’s intentions with the two of
them swam back to the front of Ai Di’s mind. He felt a little seed of loathing
being planted there. Ai Di didn’t want him touching Chen Yi. He didn’t want
them to be there at dinner with him. He wished they’d never met him. If he
weren’t here, he could have Chen Yi all to himself, never having to worry that
Chen Yi loved someone else more than him, never having to watch Chen Yi
gaze adoringly at someone who only saw him as a means to an end.

But it was worse than Chen Yi’s focus being momentarily derailed. Most
devastating to Ai Di was the realization that that’s what Chen Yi liked, that
Chen Dong Yang was the type of person he wanted. Chen Dong Yang was
everything Ai Di was not and could not be. He was tall, close to six feet,
muscular and handsome, with tan skin and broad shoulders. His behavior
was calculated, with a self-control few were capable of and a way of acting
that betrayed no emotions, if he in fact felt any at all. Beside him, Ai Di’s
small stature became even smaller, his pale skin and thin frame appeared
boyish and undesirable, and his delicate features seemed weak. His short
temper didn’t seem bold, it seemed childish, and his directness felt crass.
How could he ever compare to Chen Dong Yang? How could he ever hope to
be attractive to Chen Yi in this body? There were times he thought he hated
himself for being so at odds with what Chen Yi wanted, but he could never
hate Chen Yi. After all, Chen Yi was just looking upwards, and wasn’t Ai Di
doing the same?

Still, Ai Di couldn’t let allow himself to actually try to emulate Chen Dong
Yang; it would feel too pathetic. If anything, this upsetting revelation
regarding Chen Yi’s preferences compelled Ai Di to stop caring
what anyone thought regarding his appearance. He wasn’t in school
anymore, anyway. He bleached his hair the way he’d wanted to for years, got
Chen Yi to buy him expensive chains and rings, pierced his ears several times
over, and spent a small fortune building a wardrobe of loud, fashionable
clothes. It made him the center of attention in most situations, and Ai Di
liked what that did for him.

Because Ai Di wasn’t blind; even if Chen Yi didn’t, other men did find him
attractive. The eyes of Chen Dong Yang’s business partners had often
followed him as he walked into their meetings and in bars or clubs, he’d
been approached more than once by an overeager, drunk partier. He liked
the attention, liked even better the way their attention drew Chen Yi’s
attention, too. Every time Chen Yi moved to stand in front of him and look
menacing at meetings or showed up to pull him into his arms or fling
someone’s groping hands off of him, Ai Di’s heart fluttered. He knew it was
only because Chen Yi wanted to keep him out of trouble, but he needed the
reminder every now and then, that Chen Yi still cared about him, even if it
wasn’t in the way he wanted.

15/18

Chen Yi missed their fifteenth birthday to celebrate with Chen Dong Yang. Ai
Di got upset and Chen Yi promised he’d make it next year. Ai Di still felt
horribly sad, but he told himself it was a one-time thing; he’d get over it. He
tried to focus on his work.

Around then, he also started drinking, an activity he pursued aggressively,

for a number of reasons. First, it gave him a reprieve from the depression
caused by his ever-worsening prospects. He wasn’t in school anymore, fine.
He hadn’t had any patience for it, in the first place. He was stuck in this
gang, unsure how he could get out, unsure whether he wanted to get out,
unsure if he’d end up dead tomorrow or in a week… fine. He didn’t know
anything but the gang, true, but really, he didn’t know how he could ever live
without Chen Yi, even with how they were now, so fine, he was doomed. He
was left clinging to the one person he had ever hoped to live for, despite
Chen Yi having looked away from him long ago. Second, in drinking with his
fellow gang members, he found that they, at least the ones his age, actually
liked his brash behavior and his careless attitude. He still wasn’t close with
most of them— none of them came near what Chen Yi had been to him, but
they were fun to waste time with; a welcome distraction, as well as a
convenient way to justify the drinking.

Third, it helped him to, for lack of a better word, lubricate his sexual
encounters. Ai Di wanted to be loved, badly, he needed someone to hold
onto, and Chen Yi didn’t want him, so he had to look elsewhere, even if it
made him feel like shit. His first time, he had been extremely drunk, and
gone home with some college student he’d met clubbing. He woke up the
next morning on his floor, naked, bruises around his neck, stripes of salt
dried onto his cheeks, his whole body aching and his head throbbing, and
the college student had gone. He couldn’t think of anything else to do, so
he’d called Chen Yi and asked him for help. Chen Yi came to get him, but Ai
Di had never felt so estranged from him as he felt that day. When he walked
out of the building, he’d felt Chen Yi’s eyes circling his bruised neck, he’d
heard Chen Yi scoff at the wince he let escape as he sat down in the
passenger seat, he’d endured the frigidity with which Chen Yi filled the car
on their silent drive back, and he’d listened to the tirade about his disregard
for his own safety that Chen Yi unleashed on him back at the garage. It was
probably the most miserable day Ai Di had experienced in a long time, and
the emptiness it engendered was almost unbearable. They had been fifteen
and eighteen then, and it was the first time he’d ever felt the age difference.
That day he had felt so small, so immature, so much a waste of Chen Yi’s
time, so alone. The loneliness reached out into his limbs, his digits, chilling
every nerve in his body. He wanted so badly, so, so badly, to talk to Chen Yi
until he understood, until they could see each other clearly again, but he
couldn’t get the words out. He took what Chen Yi threw at him that day in
silence and cried himself to sleep that night. He had slept with others since,
but only when he was very drunk— he could never bring himself to go
through with it sober— and he never let Chen Yi find out about it again.

That day was miserable for Chen Yi too, though he couldn’t put his finger on
why. Of course, he was upset that someone he cared so much about had had
this happen to himself. It pained Chen Yi to hear the tremor in his voice when
Ai Di called him and to see the nervousness and fear on Ai Di’s face when
Chen Yi arrived to pick him up. It hurt even more to discover the bruises
around his neck and watch him stare wordlessly at the floor in shame the
entire drive home. So why, then, had he acted that way? He hated the way he
knew he was making Ai Di feel, but he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t want
to scoff at him, but he scoffed. He didn’t want to yell at him, but he yelled
anyway. The second he opened his mouth, he regretted it. He regretted it
before the scowl contorted his face and before the words crossed his lips. Ai
Di didn’t deserve the way Chen Yi was treating him; Chen Yi knew that. It was
just that Chen Yi couldn’t stop himself; he couldn’t think about why he was
acting this way because he found everything about the situation too
unpleasant to comprehend. And with it so raw in his mind, he lashed out at
the only person he could get to. He was mad at himself, he was mad at the
college student, he was mad… He didn’t know; he didn’t know anything with
any certainty. But whatever he knew or didn’t know, Chen
Yi felt insurmountable remorse about that day and he blamed himself for
everything that had happened. He could never sort out his other feelings
about it in his head, to his frustration, and could never vocalize any of these
feelings to Ai Di, not even the remorse. And so, time moved on, and the
window in which Chen Yi should have said something slowly closed, and
Chen Yi let it.
The gap between them continued to grow over the following years. Chen Yi
redoubled his gang involvement, and was soon placed in charge of his own
territory. He got a large tattoo on his back, symbolizing his status as Chen
Dong Yang’s ward. He kept Ai Di in close proximity… Ai Di was his right-
hand man, his room was just down the hall from Chen Yi’s, Chen Yi took Ai
Di along on missions. He and Chen Yi fought back-to-back, they cleaned
each other’s wounds, they discussed plans with one another, but the
closeness they’d shared in their childhood had all but disappeared. Ai Di was
reminded of it often, in the way Chen Yi put his arm over his shoulder to lead
him away, in the way he sometimes absentmindedly pushed back the hair on
his forehead, in the way he insisted that Ai Di remain in his faction, but
really, what they had shared seemed broken, and Ai Di didn’t know if Chen Yi
could even remember it ever having been whole.

Chen Yi never knew what to say to Ai Di. It was as if there was something
big, something obvious, that he knew he had to get out, knew he had to let
Ai Di know, but it was invisible to him. This vexed him, and he stuck instead
to what he knew; he needed Ai Di close, and to him, as far as he could sort
out, that meant he and Ai Di needed to stay brothers.

16/19

Chen Yi missed their sixteenth birthday to celebrate with Chen Dong Yang. Ai
Di didn’t remind him what he’d said last year, and Chen Yi couldn’t figure
out what made Ai Di seem so listless that week. Chen Yi could never figure
out Ai Di’s moods anymore.

ctually, Chen Yi did reason out one feeling: He hated Ai Di’s gang
involvement. There were few things that made him as uncomfortable, sad, or
fearful as he became when he saw Ai Di’s violence towards their captives or
opponents. He didn’t think he’d be able to bear it if Ai Di ever actually killed
someone, and not just because that could land him in prison. To hear the
other gang members describe Ai Di’s actions as “insane” or “brutal” filled him
with lingering worry. To hear Ai Di describe himself as crazy was worse,
because it felt like a stupid lie, and one that Ai Di was too young to
understand was something he would regret. He knew Ai Di wasn’t what he
acted like he was. There were gang members that were psychotic,
bloodthirsty, past the point of no return, but Ai Di wasn’t. Ai Di was his xiao
didi, who he'd known since he was nine years old, who always stood up for
what he thought was right, who came running when he was injured, who had
been forced to grow up too quickly in conditions that couldn’t have been
survived by a weaker person. Chen Yi’s three years on Ai Di didn’t mean very
much, Chen Yi thought, but maybe this was the one place they let him see a
little more. Maybe it was this bit of extra experience that let Chen Yi see that
this sadistic persona was more harmful to Ai Di than anyone else, that it was
a lie, that Ai Di was digging himself a hole too deep to crawl out of. Chen Yi
also knew that he was too selfish to actually force Ai Di out of the gang. He
needed Ai Di in the gang. He knew it tied them together, and he wasn’t sure
what else was keeping Ai Di here. So, he settled instead for hauling Ai Di off
of people if the situation appeared to be getting out of hand or asking him
sheepishly from time to time if he wanted to do anything else with his life.
Because for all he knew, since it was all Ai Di would let him know, Ai Di
wasn’t interested in leaving the gang, it was Chen Yi he was interested in
leaving.

One day, under Chen Yi’s oppressive stare, in the middle of a lengthy
scolding, Ai Di had asked him why he even cared. Ai Di noticed the disbelief
and sadness those words sparked in Chen Yi’s eyes, and to Ai Di’s dismay,
that sent a little bit of warmth back into Ai Di. He felt pathetic about it, but
he couldn’t bring himself to tell Chen Yi that he cared about him, too, that he
cared that Chen Yi cared about him, so he told Chen Yi he didn’t need him to
care, that he was smothering him with all his caring, just to see the distress
this caused him. He started saying things like that quite a lot. It wasn’t true,
of course, that he didn’t need Chen Yi to care, and someone with a mind less
muddled than Chen Yi’s would have known that, but all Chen Yi heard was
that Ai Di didn’t need him anymore, and where did that leave Chen Yi? What
good was Chen Yi, then, if he couldn’t care for Ai Di?

17/20

Chen Yi missed their seventeenth birthday to celebrate with Chen Dong

Yang. Ai Di threw the cake he’d bought into the trash and yelled at a
subordinate who saw him do it for half an hour about minding his own
business. He hated Chen Dong Yang. He really, really hated him.

And Ai Di’s not-so-secret hatred for Chen Dong Yang grew; he found it
harder and harder to keep quiet about it. It was mean and he knew it, but he
couldn’t keep his mouth shut about Chen Yi’s crush on their boss. He hated
himself for saying what he said, he hated himself for being unable to stop
himself from thinking about it, he hated that he couldn’t let him go no
matter how hard he tried. He poked and prodded and dug at and picked
away at the person he loved so, so much. He insulted his feelings, accused
him of cowardice, demeaned him. More than anything, these were things he
wanted to say to himself. Coward. You love him but you dare not tell him. Be
brave and tell him. Their relationship grew more strained than ever, but Chen
Yi was strong, really, and resilient, and it only made Ai Di love him more.
Chen Yi wouldn’t let him go and he wouldn’t look at him either. No matter
what Ai Di did, Chen Yi kept caring for him and loving him, in all the wrong
ways. It was maddening, being so completely helpless to affect any change in
him. He just could not get Chen Yi to hate him. The most he would do, after
Ai Di’s most callous, mean-hearted, nasty insults, was threaten or shove him,
never anything worse than that. Even if Chen Yi told him he wouldn’t put up
with it, Chen Yi still did, time and time again.
 Over my dead body
**

Ai Di doesn’t really remember his parents. He has one picture of them, so

frayed in the middle where it’s been folded that his mother’s blouse is
missing a piece. But with the picture he can imagine he remembers them.

His mother carrying him in her arms around the house, her dark hair
entangled in his fingers, her lips on his forehead. Hanging by the doorframe,
waiting for his father to stop working. Anxiously. Like he’ll get yelled at if he
goes into the room too early. Is that real? It feels real.

Then again, probably not.

He doesn’t actually remember a time before Chen Yi.

**

He’s five when Godfather takes them in. Chen Yi refuses to let go of his
hand. Godfather tries to pry them apart but Chen Yi yanks Ai Di behind him.
Puts himself in between them. Chen Yi is eight and all made of gangly limbs.
To Ai Di, he feels enormous.

“Feisty little kid! I like that,” Godfather smiles.

Chen Yi glares at him then. He does a lot of glaring, in the beginning. Ai Di

will remember this and think of it often, when he’s drunk and alone and
bitter.

When they are shown to their own room, Chen Yi sits him down on the bed.

“Stay close to me, okay? Don’t make me worry. Promise me you won’t leave
my sight.”

Ai Di nods his head so hard it hurts. It feels like a stupid thing to ask. Where
else would he go? He’s five and he already trusts Chen Yi with everything he
has, his whole chest and whole heart.

**

It feels momentarily safe in the backroom of Godfather’s operation.

Don’t touch the drugs. Don’t touch the money.

If someone yells, run.

They’re used to running by now. It’s nice to have somewhere to run to.

He blows the candles of their birthday cake. A gun shot rings somewhere on
the compound. Chen Yi turns his head towards the sound but when nothing
follows, he turns towards Ai Di again.

“It’s fine. Single shot, no yelling.”

Ai Di rolls his eyes.

“I know it’s fine, I’m not stupid. I live here too.”

“You’re six. By definition, you are stupid.”

“Oh hell no!” he yells, rising up and scooping up a handful of cake in his
hand. Chen Yi tries to duck but he’s too slow. He catches the side of his head
with frosting.

That’s all he gets. Chen Yi’s up from his perch in seconds.

“You little shit!”

Afterwards, there’s cake on the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling, on their
backs. Ai Di sticks his finger on the mess on the floor and tastes it. It’s
actually pretty good.

Chen Yi grimaces.

“Ugh, you’re gross.”

Ai Di laughs.

“Ai Di.”

He turns to face Chen Yi. He sounds serious.

“What?”

“We should eat cake every year. For every year we survive this shit.”

Ai Di smiles and offers his fist for a bump.

“Easy.”

**

They get to go to school for a while. It’s nice. He sits in class, smiles at his
teacher, smiles at his classmate next to him. Homework is easy.
He’s a good student. He gets in a little bit of trouble too. But only a little. His
teachers like to exaggerate way too much.

Chen Yi doesn’t like school.

“Why should I be here when I could be helping? What use is school?”

Ai Di sighs. Chen Yi’s twelve and he wants to become a mafia boss. He’s
exhausting sometimes.

“Chen Yi,” he whines, leaning into him, hanging over his arm.

“What do you mean, why should you be here, I’m here! You’re supposed to
look after me. Do you know how much trouble I would get into if you weren’t
here?”

Chen Yi doesn’t look convinced.

“You get into so much trouble already.”

“Exactly. Think how much worse it could be.”

That makes him laugh. Chen Yi takes his free hand and wraps it around him.
Gives him a noogie that hurts like hell.

He screams and pushes him on the ground. They tussle and Chen Yi wins, he
always does, but it doesn’t matter. He’s laughing. He’s not talking about
leaving.

Thinking of Chen Yi leaving him alone feels the same as thinking of a

monster trying to snatch him underneath his bed.

Or.

Finding his mother twitching on the kitchen floor, clutching her neck,
frothing from the mouth.

It feels like the worst thing in the world.

(Is it the picture that makes him imagine he can remember snapshots of his
childhood or is it that?)

**

Chen Yi’s fifteen when he drops out of school. Ai Di follows him, even
though Chen Yi was the one that made him promise he wouldn’t leave his
sight.
Ai Di watches him beg Godfather to let him tag along on missions. He pleads
and bargains and promises to do so good. Eventually, Godfather relents.

“Fine. I will let you go with your uncle. But you must swear you will do exactly
as he says. Don’t say anything, don’t do anything, unless you are told to.”

“I swear, boss!”

Godfather smirks.

“Good boy.”

Chen Yi preens under the attention.

For the first time, Ai Di hates him. He hates both of them so much that his
chest hurts.

And what about me, he wants to yell.

I left school for you, bastard! I was happy there, what am I supposed to do
now? You were not supposed to let me out of your sight.

But he doesn’t. He shouldn’t be so upset. He knew what this was.

“Tsk,” he spits out.

Chen Yi turns to look at him, worry in his eyes.

It feels good to turn his back on him and leave them.

**

Now, he has nothing but time to make trouble.

Of course, trouble is what makes him good. You get rewarded for trouble
when crime is your family business.

Chen Yi’s never around. When he is, he uses the time to scold him.

“Why don’t you go back to school?”

“Fuck off.”

Chen Yi looks worried but that only makes him want to punch him. He ruined
school for him, he should stop pretending he doesn’t know it.

When Chen Yi is around, he sticks to him like glue, like he could stop the
chaos Ai Di’s intent on making. He tries but Ai Di gets really good, really fast.
“Ai Di. Have you been touching things that don’t belong to you?”

Godfather points his finger at him. It’s an accusing finger but he’s still
lounging in his chair, one leg crossed over the other, swiveling the air
carelessly. Ai Di is not worried.

Next to him Chen Yi’s shitting bricks. He would laugh if he didn’t find it so
annoying.

“Xian tells me he’s seen you outside the school grounds. Selling my stuff.”

Godfather holds out his hand and Xian drops a little baggie into it.

That little snitch.

“I told you,” Chen Yi whispers.

Ai Di scoffs.

Godfather crosses his arms.

“Are you having an attitude about this?” he asks. He sounds amused.

Ai Di stays quiet.

“Well?”

He sighs.

“I’m just bored.”

That makes Godfather laugh, loudly, his head tilted back. Chen Yi sounds
like he’s stopped breathing.

“Alright then kiddo. Let’s get you into some trouble that makes me richer.
Chen Yi, you’ll take Ai Di with you from now on.”

“What?” Chen Yi shouts.

He’s been so quiet and now he shouts. Ai Di flinches and Godfather’s smile
drops like a brick.

“Chen Yi. Is there a problem?” Godfather says, steadily, quietly, and for the
first time, Ai Di’s actually scared. Chen Yi opens his mouth but nothing
comes out. He’s clearly terrified too but still trying so hard to talk back to
him. Ai Di would be proud if it wasn’t so infuriating that he’s doing it to fight
him.
“He’s 14,” Chen Yi sputters eventually.

“Stop treating me like a child,” Ai Di mumbles back to him.

“You are a child!”

“Enough! The both of you. I’m sorry if I made it seem like this is a
conversation. Chen Yi, you will take Ai Di with you on your next deal. End of
discussion.”

Chen Yi is smart enough to stay quiet.

Thank fuck.

**

He’s excited to go with Chen Yi. For the first time in what feels like forever,
he’s really excited.

It’s like the first day of school. He wants to do well. He wants to impress.

Chen Yi won’t stop looking at him but he doesn’t say anything. Ai Di ignores
him. His mood can’t ruin this for him. He does what he’s told. Follows every
rule.

It’s not like school. It’s a fuck up. It’s not his fault but it’s a fuck up anyway.

He stares at the barrel of a loaded gun and time stops. He can’t look away.
He thinks this can’t be it.

He can’t close his eyes so when the man’s head is shot and his brains
splatter on the walls, blood sprays on his face too.

He holds his breath. He doesn’t blink.

Only when he feels Chen Yi’s arms wrap around him does he let go. Chen Yi
presses his head into his shoulder and he closes his eyes. Lets out a
stuttering breath, his teeth clashing together painfully.

“It’s okay. Ai Di. You’re okay,” Chen Yi whispers against the top of his head.

Ai Di swallows his tears.

“He shouldn’t have let you come. I hate him.”

It’s the first time Ai Di’s heard him say anything like that. He can’t believe it.
He can’t say anything to that. It’s terrifying. It makes him happy. He doesn’t
know why.
He remembers this moment for the rest of his life.

**

He puts the fuck up into a box and never talks about it. Chen Yi doesn’t let
him out of his sight. He follows him everywhere he possibly can and
sometimes where he can’t. Boss gives up on trying to make him stop.
Instead, he has his guys follow him around when Chen Yi physically can’t.
Chen Yi accepts it like it’s an apology.

Ai Di doesn’t care and it’s then when he realizes that everything he’s ever
done in his life is to get Chen Yi to look at him. Now he does and he can’t
even look back. It takes months for him to stop seeing the blood all over his
face.

He decides it’s the last time he’s going to need anyone saving him.

**

Ai Di’s fifteen when they stop kicking him out of the bar. It’s a good thing
too since he’s realized alcohol makes all the blood go away. The blood, the
dead eyes, the dead mothers. All of it.

Alcohol stops him from worrying when he’s going to get shot. Or when Chen
Yi’s going to get shot. Of what he’s supposed to do if Chen Yi died before
him. He knows Chen Yi wouldn’t agree with him but he really hopes he gets
shot before he does. He doesn’t want to die but he can’t imagine being here
without Chen Yi. Anywhere.

It’s a delicate balance, trying not to die but trying to die before Chen Yi.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Rui tells him.

“Shut up,” he mumbles into his glass as he downs it. Rui is very mouthy for
someone so green. He dislikes him intensely.

“You’re way too careless. You know you drive Chen Yi crazy with that. If I told
him it’s because you want to die before he dies he would lock you up in a
cage. You know he wouldn’t survive it.”

Ai Di pushes his hand on top of Rui’s mouth.

“I told you to fucking shut up.”

Rui pushes his hand away easily. He stumbles back onto his seat. Too much
on the left. He tries again.
“Look at you. You’re basically a child and you’re blackout drunk. You have no
standing here.”

He wants to shut Rui up for good but he’s too drunk to keep his eyes open.
He lowers his head on the bar top. He just needs to sleep like a second. Then
he’ll punch him so hard he won’t even remember his name.

Suddenly, he feels himself being lifted from his seat. He sways into a strong
chest. Arms wrap around underneath his knees and he’s lifted again. He
tucks his face into the crook of a warm neck. He knows where he is. He
inhales happily and is rewarded by Chen Yi’s cologne filling all of his senses.

“Rui, what the fuck? You were supposed to watch over him.”

“You say that as if you don’t know how impossible it’s to watch over him.
There’s only so much abuse I can take from someone so small,” Rui answers.

Chen Yi scoffs and walks away with Ai Di in his arms. He carries him to his
car and carries him to his bed from his car and Ai Di is finally able to admit
to himself, in his drunken stupor, how much he likes Chen Yi carrying him.
How much his body likes it.

Chen Yi starts carrying him around then, whenever he’s too drunk, or not
exactly where he wants him, not doing exactly what he wants him.

In his sober moments, few and far between, Ai Di kicks up a fuss to preserve
his dignity but he thinks they both know that he’s fine with it.

He likes it way too much to hide it.

**

“Good job, Chen Yi. I knew I could count on you,” The boss says. He taps the
last stack of money against the table and throws it into the safe with the rest
of them.

Chen Yi smiles. It reaches his eyes.

Ai Di holds back on retching. It was much easier pretending that it didn’t

bother him, the heart eyes, when he had been less willing to admit to himself
his own feelings for Chen Yi.

He rolls his eyes because he’s only human and he can’t do everything. The
boss doesn’t notice but Chen Yi does. Even better. Chen Yi’s annoyance
makes him feel better about all of it.
“You need to stop being so disrespectful,” Chen Yi says when they’re alone.

Ai Di snickers.

“I’m serious.”

“I’m sure you are.”

Chen Yi looks startled. What a drama queen. As if he didn’t know.

“He gave us a home and protection.”

That gets a roaring laugh out of Ai Di.

“Home and protection? Sure. I’ll be dead before 20 because I stepped onto
the wrong street but sure.”

Chen Yi’s face blanches at that. He’s so stupid.

“Don’t say that.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’ll probably happen while some kid is scoring ketamine
from me.”

“Ai Di!”

“What? You know it’s true.”

He sits down on his bed. Lets Chen Yi pace in front of him, like this is news,
like this isn’t the only thing that’s true for their lives.

He thinks they’re safe? Is that what’s been going on the whole time? He’s
going to need some time to assess that amount of delusion.

“Ai Di,” he says eventually. Ai Di lifts his eyebrows.

“Do you- do you want to get out?”

He gets up and walks away. That’s too much. That’s beyond the line.

He can pretend that they’re not here because Chen Yi’s obsessed with the
Boss and taking over for some fucking reason but he won’t start pretending
that he wants this.

He’s almost out of the room but then Chen Yi grabs his arm.

“Wait.”

He sighs. He turns to look at Chen Yi expectantly.

“Tell me,” he begs, quietly. He looks so troubled he might take pity on him if
he wasn’t so done with all of this. But he is, so he doesn’t.

“Don’t you worry about it,” he says instead, tapping Chen Yi on his cheek
before he goes.

When he gets to the bar, he drinks a bottle of whiskey and fucks the first guy
that he stumbles into. It doesn’t make him feel any better at all.

The next morning, he nurses his hungover, feeling so disgusting not even a
burning hot shower can clean him up. Chen Yi won’t stop staring at him.

He looks murderous.

“What?” he grunts. He reaches for a beer in the fridge. Maybe he just didn’t
drink enough.

Chen Yi pushes the fridge door shut before he can pull his hand out.

“Ow! What the fuck?”

“No drinking tonight. You’re coming with me.”

Chen Yi drags him around town for the whole day for absolutely no reason at
all. He takes him to meet up with some two-bit drug dealer he obviously
doesn’t need any help with. He forces Ai Di to come to the garage with him
and stand around while he fixes a motorcycle. He feels miserable but Chen Yi
refuses to leave his side and refuses to let him get drunk again.

He’s exhausted when he finally makes it back home. It’s then when he sees
it. A hickey the size of his fist on his neck.

Maybe the night before wasn’t such a waste after all.

**

It becomes a habit. Whenever he’s pissed enough, he gets drunk and fucks
someone random so hard he carries the marks of it to the next day. Chen Yi
becomes really good in recognizing them. He interrupts his daily routine of
fawning over the boss to follow Ai Di around. Sometimes for a day,
sometimes for longer. It’s almost like Chen Yi realizes it’s his punishment.

It’s sad as fuck but it makes Ai Di feel better about himself every single time.

It’s fine. They don’t talk about it.

**
Chen Yi concocts a plan to get rid of Zhang Teng. Ai Di thinks it’s probably a
bad idea but he doesn’t really care so he does what Chen Yi wants him to do.

Which would be a lot easier if Chen Yi knew what that was.

“Why are you being such a baby about this?” he asks.

Chen Yi doesn’t say anything. He’s standing in the corner, arms crossed,
eyebrows drawn together. Brooding. Ai Di turns back around to address the
issue at hand. He punches one of Zhang Teng's lackeys so hard the chair he’s
been tied into tips over.

The fucker cries out. Ai Di walks around the chair to check the damage. He
tuts.

“You know this could be so much easier for you. It’s not like I want to be here
either.”

More cries.

He turns back to Chen Yi.

“I don’t think he knows anything.”

Chen Yi grunts unhappily.

“What?”

“Hmm. I wish you didn’t do this.”

He draws back fully into a standing position. His mouth opens and he lets
out a laugh.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Chen Yi looks away. Ai Di stalks over to stand right in front of his face. The
tips of his shoes touch Chen Yi’s.

“I’m sorry. I was under the impression that this is your plan.”

Chen Yi sighs like Ai Di’s the one being unreasonable.

“No, no. Correct me if I’m wrong. Please, just say the word and I’ll go back to
the bar. I can think of a thousand ways I’d rather spent my Sunday morning
than beating up some asshole for you.”
Chen Yi’s still not saying anything. But he turns to look at him, eyes dark.
Lifts his hand up and wipes his thumb on Ai Di’s cheek. It comes away
bloody.

In slow motion, he watches Chen Yi suck his thumb clean. The skin he's
touched tingles with warmth. He’s lost for words.

“Let me,” Chen Yi says.

Ai Di can't do anything but step away. Chen Yi walks towards the moaning
prisoner. Grabs a baseball bat leaning against the wall.

After the first crack, Ai Di sits down to watch.

**

It takes two years and a mess of broken people for Zhang Teng to die. Ai Di
would say it wasn’t worth it at all and that’s before he realizes Chen Yi did it
all just to please the Boss.

If he’s honest, he has had one foot out the door for a long time already. It’s
enough. No amount of hard liquor, drugs and beating people up was enough
to keep himself distracted for what he’s always known. He has to let go of
Chen Yi for the sake of both of their sanity. He’s afraid someone might die if
he doesn’t.

Of course, Chen Yi was never just going to let him leave. So, he commits the
one sin he promised himself he would never do.

He doesn’t want to go to prison but it’s better than the alternative.

**

Chen Yi tries to visit him in prison. He refuses to see him.

**

He’s not exactly surprised that Chen Yi’s face is the first thing he sees
outside of prison. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t make him want to scream his
lungs out.

He’s so angry. He’s spent four years being just as angry as he is guilty. But
he doesn’t yell.

Instead, he says: “whatever you say.”

Instead, he walks into the bar, intent on drinking and fucking his sorrows
away.

He drinks too much. He knows it’s true, it often is. It’s whatever, someone
latches onto him anyway. He feels the press of lips on his neck, and he
grunts impatiently. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t like it, he doesn't like
foreplay what the fuck- he doesn’t have time to complain when he’s
suddenly lifted into the air again.

Chen Yi. No one else would dare.

“Come with me,” he says, and Ai Di doesn’t agree but that doesn’t much
matter, it never does, and Chen Yi drags him away anyway.

He pushes him outside and it feels awful, cold air against his sticky skin,
against all the smoke and alcohol that's been trying its best to smother him.

“What do you want?” he mumbles.

“I want you to tell me the truth.”

“Oh my god, why? Give it a rest already. I’m sorry.”

Chen Yi’s on him so fast he doesn’t have time to think. He’s pressing his
body against his and he's backed into a wall but that’s where his brain
activity stops. Chen Yi crowds against him, and he wants to resist but his
body has never been able to do anything but melt into him.

“I’m sorry, okay? Please stop torturing me,” he begs quietly even as Chen Yi
fits his leg between his. Grabs his hands into his and presses them over his
head.

“No,” Chen Yi whispers into his neck. Ai Di's skin is on goose pumps and he
wants to cry over how unfair it is.

“No?”

He tries to sound demanding but he knows it comes out more desperate than
anything. Chen Yi noses his neck all the way up to his earlobe. He's too
distracted by his blood running south to stop from sliding down against the
leg between his own. His hands relent all control.

“I’m afraid you’re saying sorry for the wrong thing,” Chen Yi continues, lips
mouthing at his neck.
He’s too afraid to say anything to that. He’s sure it would come out as a
whine.

“How could you touch me like that,” Chen Yi says while pressing gentle kisses
to his neck, “and then leave me?”

“Chen Yi, I don’t-” he starts even if he has no idea what his excuse is. It
doesn’t matter. Chen Yi catches his mouth and eats him alive, right there on
the street, one hand sneaking his way inside his pants. His knees give out
but Chen Yi doesn’t let him hit the ground.

**

”Ai Di. I will let you go over my dead body.”

He wants to protest. Man, that’s messed up. He was out already. Now Chen
Yi’s going to make him come back?

But he knows Chen Yi and he knows he means it. So he huffs and nods just
once, nose pressing into Chen Yi’s. The fingers around his head, tangled in
his hair, tighten.

It hurts. It’s so good. There’s only so many times he can be expected to say
no to this. Which is not that many times at all.

“Okay,” he whispers, lips drawing the words on Chen Yi’s cheek.

“We’ll go. We’ll run away.”

That’s unexpected. It’s enough for Ai Di to open his eyes and pull away.

“What?”

“We’ll steal some money, and we’ll go. I know someone. He’ll help us.”

He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Chen Yi reads the question
from his eyes anyway.

“You were in prison for four years. I had time.”

“But why?”

Chen Yi looks at him like he’s stupid.

“He let you go to prison for four years.”

Ai Di breathes out and something cracks open in his chest, something that’s
been there all his life.
Chen Yi looks away from him.

“He was supposed to help me keep you safe. I'm done watching him break
his promises ," he whispers.

It feels like freedom.

**

As long as he can remember, Chen Yi has had one job: protect Ai Di.

(Technically, he does remember a time before that but that time is irrelevant.
He remembers it distantly, like he read it in a book.)

Protect Ai Di. That is the only thing that matters.

**

It’s a straightforward job.

It starts when he walks from the blood bath in his house across the street to
their neighbor’s house into another mess. Picks up Ai Di in his arms and
walks away.

He knows his father is in a gang. Was in a gang. So were Ai Di’s parents. He

knows the people who slaughtered their families will kill them too if they find
them and so they need to run.

It works out for a while. It can’t work out forever, he’s only eight and Ai Di’s
fingers are still red no matter how much he scrubs them. It’s hard to find
food even without bloody hands.

Lucky for them, it’s his father’s gang that finds them.

They tell him that he’s done a good job, that he’s been a really good boy,
that they’re safe now, that he can let go of Ai Di. He spits in their face, and
they laugh. At this point, Ai Di’s hand has been imprinted in his own palm.

It’ll take months for him to not wake up in terror in the middle of the night if
he doesn’t feel it.

Their new hosts are criminals, but they are kind to them.

They tell him that they’re going to kill the people that took their parents.
“Your father was a good man. We’ll help you. I’ll raise you as my own,”
Godfather says, nodding towards a sleeping Ai Di holding onto Chen Yi’s
arm, “he’ll be safe. I promise.”

Chen Yi is a pragmatic. He knows his own limits. It’ll have to be good enough
for now.

**

From then on, he has a simple plan.

He needs to protect Ai Di. He can’t do it on his own, not right now. Godfather
has people who can keep them safe. He trusts Godfather but he can’t really
trust Ai Di with him.

So, he needs to become the boss himself. He needs money and he needs
people who are loyal and will protect them if the people who killed their
parents come back collecting.

(Of course, it was money that they owned, it’s always money).

He needs Godfather to teach him how to become the boss. He needs

Godfather’s men and his operation. Nothing else matters. School is
irrelevant. Hobbies are irrelevant. Who he is and what he wants is irrelevant.
He has one job.

Ai Di gets none of it. It’s fine. He doesn’t need him to get it.

(He needs him to stop distracting him, he needs him to take better care of
himself and more than anything, he needs him to stop being so fucking
reckless. But none of that matters more than protecting him and he doesn’t
need him to get it.)

It’s only when a sobbing Ai Di kisses him, and fucks him, and then proceeds
to run away to prison, does he realize how badly he has miscalculated
everything.

**

He has a lot of time to think about it. It doesn’t take much to realize where
he went wrong. A lot harder is to come to terms with what he needs to do to
fix it.

But. He has a lot of time.

**
Ai Di refuses to see him in prison.

Chen Yi screams outside of the heavy walls so hard his throat feels bloody.
He hopes he hears him. When he drives home, he comes to accept three
things.

Ai Di probably has been feeling like this, uncared for and hopeless, for a long
time.

Godfather won’t protect Ai Di.

If he wants to keep Ai Di safe, they need to leave. Godfather is the problem in

more ways than one.

He sits with these realizations for days before he does anything with them.
He tries to figure out where, in his admiration for Godfather and his
desperate need to keep Ai Di safe, did he go wrong. He knows what Ai Di
accuses him of. It never felt exactly right but it doesn’t really matter what he
felt. It’s all useless now.

He punches the wall in his room once. Then, he puts his energy into coming
up with a new plan.

**

He needs one person inside. One person he can trust who’s not behind bars.
He chooses Jie because Ai Di liked him, and he knows he likes Ai Di.

He doesn’t tell him much but enough that it would get him and Ai Di killed if
it got into the wrong ears. Normally, he would kill himself first before
trusting their lives in the hands of someone he doesn’t know, not really, not
like he’s family, but he doesn’t have a lot of options. He’s created this mess,
and he has to make do. He starts dreaming about people jumping him here
when he sleeps. Worse are the dreams where he wakes up to a call that Ai Di
has been killed. He starts to avoid sleeping. He needs to get this right and he
doesn’t have time for his own paranoia.

He wakes up to a loud bang.

“Fuck!” He yells.

Jie is standing in front of him. He’s laughing, leaning his hands against the
table between them. Chen Yi looks around and realizes he’s fallen asleep
sitting down on the couch with bank statements in his hands.

He rubs his eyes and groans.

“What the fuck Jie?”

“You’re sleeping on the clock, boss. That’s not good. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Jie sits down next to him. Chen Yi scoots farther away. Jie shakes his head,
but his eyes are laughing.

“How did it go with Ai Di?”

Chen Yi doesn’t say anything.

“He’s still refusing to see you? What the fuck did you do to him, boss?”

“Don’t. I’m not talking about this with you,” he says, raising his hand up in a
warning sign. Jie plows right through it.

“Maybe you should. Me and Ai Di were tight. He told me stuff.”

Chen Yi goes back to reading his papers even though he has no idea what he
was doing with them in the first place.

“Not interested.”

“I had to hear him pine after you for years. It was kind of exhausting.”

That gets his attention. He bangs his hands on the table.

“Hey! You’re stepping way over the line.”

“I’m just wondering. Ai Di gets caught up and now you’re acting like a man
possessed? You should have brought this energy way earlier into the game.”

Chen Yi would murder this man right now if it wasn’t for the fact that he still
needed an insider and trying to recruit someone else might actually kill him.

So he doesn’t kill Jie who takes it as permission to offer relationship advice.

To meddle. It’s unbearable.

**

He goes to Rui. He knows it’s risky. It’s the most dangerous part of his plan
because Rui is consumed by rage and revenge and Chen Yi doesn’t really
want to bring any of that to what is his. But Ai Di is in prison to protect Bai
Zong Yi and maybe delivering the Fan family on a platter will convince
Godfather to let them go peacefully.
They stand in an abandoned street covered in darkness, a gulf between
them. He doesn’t even recognize the Rui standing in front of him.

“Say what you need to and say it quickly. I’m risking everything by meeting
you,” Rui says. His face doesn’t move an inch.

“Me too,” he answers.

“Then what?”

“You know Ai Di and Bai Zong Yi are getting out next week. I need something
to get Ai Di away from here. Let me help you.”

Rui’s face betrays nothing at the mention of Bai Zong Yi.

“Why?”

“I need something big. This is big.”

Rui shakes his head.

“You don’t understand what you’re asking.”

“I understand plenty. Just let me help you.”

“Fine. It’s your funeral.”

Chen Yi walks over to him and offers his hand. Rui shakes it. Up close, Chen
Yi can see the lines on his face, the bloodshot eyes. His drawn-out lips. He
turns to walk away.

“Chen Yi. Take better care of Ai Di,” Rui yells after him, sounding genuinely
worried. The first real emotion.

He rounds back into Rui’s face.

“That’s- that’s the only thing I have been trying to do! That’s the only reason
I do anything!”

“Okay.”

“How’s your last boyfriend doing? Maybe worry more about that.”

It’s a lowball. He doesn’t do lowballs like this. He regrets it instantly.

Rui’s answering laugh is ugly.

“You’re right. Say hi to him if you get the chance.”

“Rui-“

“It’s fine. And Ai Di? What does he think of the plan?”

Chen Yi doesn’t say anything. Ai Di’s not going to say anything to the plan
because he’s not going to tell him anything.

Rui hums.

“Yeah, I figured. Remember me Chen Yi, when Ai Di runs away from you for
the hundred time.”

**

He has had time to think for four years, and he has thought about nothing
but Ai Di. He has planned everything. Every single thing.

But then he sees Ai Di. It’s not the clothes or the hair. It’s the bags
underneath his eyes and the empty look on his face as he stares back at him
for a brief second.

It makes Chen Yi falter. Seeing the mistakes he’s made look back at him like
he’s not even there makes him so angry he wants to punch something. He
feels desperate in his attempts to figure out the right words to get it right
this time, to make Ai Di see him.

But Ai Di runs anyway and he thinks of Rui. He sees his disappointed face in
his mind. He wants to blow their cover just so he can yell at him and beg him
to tell him what he should do. He wants to take his gun and shoot Godfather
between his eyes. He wants to raise Zhang Teng from the dead so he can kill
him again.

His chest constricts and he feels short of breath.

This can’t be happening again.

As if he’s reading his thoughts, Jie shakes his head.

“Remember boss, you’re real person. Not a romantic hero trying to die
tragically at the end of the story for his noble cause,” he says to him. Chen Yi
flips him off and staggers out of the room.

**

He goes to Ai Di with no plan at all.

He kisses him because talking seems to only make things worse. He still
remembers how the last time had felt. It doesn’t feel real now, how good it
feels, he was certain that he had made it up to be more in his head but it’s
somehow better. He presses in and touches everything he can put his hands
on. Ai Di gives in instantly, his body yielding underneath him like soft cotton
and it overwhelms him. It goes straight to his head, like he’s high, and down
to his toes, like he’s drunk out of his mind. He’s never let himself want
anything and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to handle this.

It almost makes him lose control completely. Almost.

“Ai Di. I will let you go over my dead body.”

It’s the right words. Finally.

Ai Di jumps on his back and lets him carry him home. He breathes properly
for the first time in years.

**

He wakes up to a feeling of emptiness between his hands and he springs up

in terror. The bed next to him is rumpled but empty.

His chest constricts and it’s hard to breath. His vision swims. It’s a familiar
feeling.

“Chen Yi. Why do you look like that?”

He turns and sees Ai Di leaning against the bathroom door.

He closes his eyes and tries breathing again, the way he’s been
taught. Inhale, exhale. He feels the bed dip next to him and Ai Di’s arms
wrap around him. He hates it when people crowd him when he’s like this but
Ai Di’s arms are a reminder that it’s real. They ground him.

“Are you okay?” Ai Di whispers into his shoulder.

“Where did you go?”

His voice is rough from unuse.

“I needed to pee. Dude, you were crushing me the whole night. Be glad I
survived.”

He turns his head to face Ai Di. His hair is mussed, and he doesn’t resist the
urge to run his fingers through it again.
“I am,” he whispers, entirely serious. Ai Di rolls his eyes.

“Okay, you’re being way too dramatic. Let me sleep a couple more hours
before I deal with this shit,” he says but he pulls Chen Yi down with him and
rolls him on top of him. Chen Yi drifts off to the gentle rhythm of Ai Di’s
heartbeat, ear pressed against his chest and fingers encircling his wrists.

**

“Okay. I’m all ears,” Ai Di says, tapping a steady beat with his fingers against
the table between them.

Chen Yi crosses his arms and looks around. He’s dragged them half across
the city to an unassuming café. All around them are university students. They
don’t fit in but he knows no self-respecting criminal would visit a place like
this.

“Jesus, are you that paranoid?”

Chen Yi clicks his tongue in frustration.

“I’m being cautious.”

He’s trying. He would rather not. If not for Rui’s stupid words ringing in his
head, and Jie's incessant pestering, he wouldn’t say anything. It’s
unnecessarily dangerous when Ai Di should just trust that he’s got this. What
has he been doing his whole life? He’s got this.

But. Ai Di was the one thing he hasn’t been getting so he has to try.

Satisfied that they are alone, he uncrosses his arms and tries to look open
instead of the terror his whole body is telling him he’s feeling.

“Okay. I’m going to say this only once, so listen up.”

Ai Di nods.

“First of all, everything I have ever done in my entire life, has been to keep
you safe. That’s the only thing that has ever mattered.”

Ai Di sighs. He looks down.

“Chen Yi. I know that.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“I do, okay? I do.”

He won’t meet his eyes and Chen Yi knows he doesn’t. He doesn’t know how
to fix it. He doesn’t have the time to figure it out now either.

“Second of all. We’re going to help Rui destroy the Fan family operation. And
then we’re going to take Godfather’s money and run.”

Ai Di throws his head up to look at him so fast it’s a wonder he doesn’t break
his neck.

“What?” he yells.

“I told you. I won’t repeat myself.”

“I know you said that but I didn’t expect you to say something as bat shit
crazy as that in broad daylight,” Ai Di tries to whisper but really, he’s still
yelling.

Chen Yi rolls his eyes.

“Will you try to keep it down? This is why I didn’t want to say anything. You
talk too much.”

Ai Di’s mouth falls open in outrage. Chen Yi can recognize an Ai Di tirade

when it’s coming.

“Oh, fuck you! You did not just say that to me! I just got out from prison. Do
you know how quiet I had to be there? I’ll tell you.”

And he does. In great detail.

**

They go back to the auto shop. Ai Di’s still yammering about something
meaningless. Chen Yi’s more focused on how nice it feels to hold his hand
again.

They step inside. Godfather is there.

Chen Yi’s mind goes into overdrive. He’s never there. Why now? Does he
know? How could he possibly know? He had been so careful. Fucking Rui and
his stupid advice. He squeezes Ai Di’s hand and readies himself for the
worst. It’s only then that he realizes that Ai Di’s trying to pull his hand away.
One look at him tells him that he’s picked up entirely different signals from
Chen Yi’s panic. He almost groans in frustration. He settles in with not letting
go of his hand and glaring at him. Stand down he tries to mouth.
“Ai Di! I’m surprised to see you here. The last time we saw each other you
swore it was going to be the last time.”

Ai Di doesn’t say anything. He’s staring at their hands now like they’re
offending him. Godfather doesn’t seem to mind the silence. He looks at their
intertwined hands too.

“But then again. Maybe I’m not that surprised. Glad to see you two worked
things out,” he says and claps his hand on Chen Yi’s shoulder before he
goes.

Chen Yi lets out a sigh of relief. Ai Di’s trying to pick apart their hands with
his fingers now.

“Stop it!” he yells.

“Well, let go then!” Ai Di yells back.

He groans then but he also lets go. Ai Di stalks away from him but he follows
him to their room.

“Ai Di.”

“What?”

Ai Di is walking back and forth in their tiny room. He’s biting his nails.

“Stop.”

He doesn’t. He walks in front of him and physically stops him with hands on
his shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“What do you mean what’s wrong? You’re the one that was just shitting
bricks out there. I’m just trying to make things easier for you.”

“You’re being impossible. I just told you why I’m being,” he refuses to say
paranoid, “careful. I won’t repeat it because you know why. I was just worried
something had gone wrong.”

Ai Di shakes his head. He won’t stop biting his nails and avoiding his gaze.

“Sure.”

“Ai Di. I told you-“

Ai Di rips himself away from him again. He puts his hands in between them
like he’s protecting himself. Chen Yi has never felt so lost.

“You told me shit! Just admit that you love him! It freaks me the fuck out that
you won’t!”

“I don’t’!” He can’t help but yell himself now but it’s out of desperation. He
doesn’t understand how things got this out of control.

“See! Either you’re lying to me or to yourself and neither makes me trust that
you have a fucking clue about what you’re doing with me.”

Chen Yi puts his hands up like he would approaching a scared animal that
could still rip his head off. He’s afraid that he might. Ai Di looks at him with
wide eyes as he comes closer.

He doesn’t fight it when Chen Yi puts his arms around him. He doesn’t return
the hug, but he lets Chen Yi hold him.

“I told you. Keeping you safe is the only thing that has ever mattered to me.
Ever. As long as I can remember. I mean it. I said it to Jie too and he told me
real people have more than one interest.”

“But-“

“No buts. There was a time I looked up to the boss ‘cos he kept you safe.
There’s nothing else.”

Ai Di only nods.

He picks him up and carries him to bed. Since words keep failing him, he
kisses him. Again. And again. And again. Until Ai Di kisses him back. He
doesn’t stop there. He pushes Chen Yi on his back and climbs on top of him.
They keep making out. Chen Yi’s only ever kissed Ai Di and every time he
does it gets better. It feels like he’s taking ecstasy. He can’t get enough. He
kisses Ai Di for so long that his lips start hurting.

Ai Di sneaks a hand in between them and suddenly, the kissing feels still a
hundred times better. He moans against Ai Di’s mouth.

“Is this okay?” Ai Di whispers. He only nods in return even though he wants to
yell that he remembers they’ve done way more than that and would very
much like to try it again but he’s not sure if that would go over too well.

“Let me,” he moans instead and pulls at Ai Di’s pants until he gets the hint
and lifts his ass up in the air enough for Chen Yi to slide them down. Ai Di
doubles over him and his body shakes when Chen Yi gets his hand wrapped
around him. He pulls his hair with his other hand and Ai Di bites into his
neck.

He comes fast and hard. He would feel a little more embarrassed for his
inexperience if Ai Di wasn’t right behind him.

He rolls Ai Di underneath him, safe and there, and he sleeps well, for the first
time in a long while.

**

Ai Di falls asleep easily underneath Chen Yi pressing all over him like a
weighted blanket. He feels safe. He feels protected and cared for.

And then he wakes up in the middle of the night and he can’t breathe. For a
second, he doesn’t know where he is. No, he thinks he’s back in prison and
someone is pressing him to the mattress with the intention of suffocating
him. He jumps up and throws the person off of him, his heart beating a
thousand miles an hour, his fists ready to take aim.

Chen Yi grunts and rolls over onto his back. Ai Di remembers where he is.
Chen Yi doesn’t wake up. He sighs in relief. He takes a deep breath in and
tries to calm down. It doesn’t help, he feels like the walls are still closing in.
He needs to get away.

He remembers how upset Chen Yi had been the last time he had woken up
alone so he leaves a note. He’s not cruel.

Needed some air. Be right back, he writes on a note and sticks it to Chen Yi’s
forehead. He hopes he doesn’t wake up at all. He can’t imagine he would be
happy about this either, but he can’t worry about Chen Yi right now. He just
needs to breathe.

He walks out of their room and makes his way outside. The boss sitting on
the couch of the garage stops him. He looks like he’s deep in thought. What
is he doing there?

“Boss?” Ai Di whispers. The boss turns his head towards him in surprise.

“Ai Di? Why are you awake?”

He takes wary steps towards him. He doesn’t particularly want to sit next to
him right now but it’s the boss. He doesn’t know how to not be there for
him. He’s not sure it’s not allowed.
“I couldn’t sleep,” he mumbles as he sits down next to him.

“Oh? Chen Yi keeping you up?” he asks, with a wink and a smirk. It only
terrifies Ai Di even more. There’s nothing he can say to that.

“Hmph. Don’t worry. I understand,” the boss says to the silence.

I bet you don’t.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, trying to move the conversation away from
himself. The boss doesn’t meet his eyes.

“Of course.”

He grabs Ai Di’s shoulder.

“Ai Di. I want you to know. I will never forget what you did for this family.”

The boss is still not looking at him. Ai Di feels frozen on the spot.

“It was…it’s okay. I wanted to,” he adds, wincing.

The boss hums. He taps his shoulder twice before he lets go.

“You’re a good boy. Go back to sleep,” he says and gets up. He doesn’t turn
back to watch what he does so he doesn’t bother telling him there’s no way
he can go back to sleep now. He just isn't built that way anymore.

He lets go of the idea of getting some air though. Instead, he lays down on
the couch and counts the cracks on the ceiling. He wonders how Zong Yi
does it. Just believes in Rui, in them, patiently, even after four years and all
that’s happened. He wants to believe in Chen Yi. But then he looks into his
pleading eyes, and he just doesn’t think he gets it. He wants to believe in
him so badly, but he doesn’t think he gets anything. He won’t survive it if
Chen Yi wakes up one day and realizes it’s not Ai Di he wants, not like that.

At 5 AM, he hears Chen Yi groan, and he crawls back next to him. He lays
down carefully on his side and tucks his hands underneath his pillow. He
leaves space between them. Chen Yi’s on his back, his eyes open. He doesn’t
turn to look at him.

“Where did you go?” he says, voice cracking. He sounds scared. Again. He
shouldn’t be this scared. Ai Di pushes himself up on his elbow to snatch the
note that he stuck on his forehead. He holds it to Chen Yi who takes it from
his hand.
“Oh,” he says after a while.

He rolls on his side then and reaches for him. Ai Di hesitates but allows
himself to be drawn into his chest.

“Did it help?” Chen Yi asks, whispering the words into his hair.

No. I don’t know.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Ai Di.”

He sounds frustrated. Ai Di wishes he could sooth all his fears, but he knows
he can't do that.

“I do worry. I worry about you constantly.”

“I know.”

He does know. He believes Chen Yi when he says that he’s only ever wanted
to keep him safe. But what kind of relationship is that? Does he kiss Ai Di just
because he thinks it’s the only way he gets him to stay where he sees him?
Because he’s convinced himself for some reason that it’s his sworn duty in
life to protect him? What does he want from him exactly? He doesn’t think
Chen Yi knows, so he doesn’t ask. He doesn’t want to hear him fumble
through an answer, to hear the confusion in his voice.

Chen Yi opens his mouth and Ai Di kisses him before he can continue. He
deepens the kiss, lets his tongue linger in his mouth until he relents and
stops trying to speak. He can’t blame Chen Yi for trying to kiss away their
problems. He can’t help but do it himself. They’re both always been very
good at faking their way through life.

He doesn’t want to fight him. Not now.

They fall asleep like that.

**

Ai Di tilts his glass towards Chen Yi.

“Come on, drink up,” he taunts.

Chen is sitting across from him, arms and legs crossed. He doesn’t look like
he wants to play.
Ai Di rolls his eyes and chugs his glass empty.

“You’re so boring.”

“We’re working.”

“Are we?”

He orders another drink from a waiter walking past them. He has to shout
over the music. The club is a fancy place you need to dress up for.
Something way out of their territory, so far out that he would never make the
trip, so far out people wouldn’t recognize them here. Hopefully, they don’t
recognize them. He’s drinking but he’s also trying to seem like he belongs
here, like they’re not just two creeps staring at people passing by.

But of course, Chen Yi doesn’t see it like that. He never does.

He orders two just to annoy him.

“Come on. If you don’t, I’m just gonna drink them both.”

Chen Yi doesn’t look any less annoyed but at least he uncrosses his arms and
sits forward in his seat. He takes the offered glass into his hand and Ai Di
clicks it against his own.

“As if you need me drinking your drinks,” Chen Yi says but he takes a big
swing of his glass anyway. He coughs and holds the back of his hand in front
of his mouth.

“What the fuck is that?”

Ai Di laughs.

“Whiskey, you loser.”

At the corner of his eyes he can see their mark. The third uncle of the Fan
family. He doesn’t let his face twitch at his arrival but he can see from Chen
Yi’s face that he gets it anyway. He lifts his eyebrows an inch. Ai Di chugs
back his drink in response. It’s showtime.

For the next hour, he keeps on ordering more drinks. Chen Yi is trying to
participate in destroying them now, which Ai Di hadn’t seen coming. But
after every sip, he looks more and more dissatisfied.
“You don’t have to drink, you know,” he says after he gets bored looking at
Chen Yi’s stony face. Maybe, he’s getting a tiny bit worried too. Chen Yi’s not
great at handling his drinks.

“Or you could just try pretending for once that you’re actually having fun
with me,” he continues when Chen Yi doesn’t answer him.

That breaks Chen Yi’s façade instantly. His face falls and Ai Di feels a little
breathless at how fast and openly it happens. It gives him whiplash.

Chen Yi opens and closes his mouth a couple times, clearly trying to figure
out what he wants to say.

“That’s not fair,” is what he settles on.

Maybe. They are working. That probably is at the root of most of their
problems. But not all and Ai Di has a decade’s worth of resentment to spare.
For every single birthday not celebrated, for every time that he felt like Chen
Yi had better places to be.

It really is not fair.

He shakes his head.

“Tch.”

He gets up and throws money on the table.

Then he turns around and walks straight into their mark. A strategic elbow
into his drink and it’s all over them.

“Fuck, I’m sorry! Shit. Let me help you out, I wasn’t watching where I was
going at all.”

He grabs some paper from the table beside them and makes bad efforts at
dapping his shirt clean. Third uncle doesn’t look amused, but he doesn’t
push him away either. Maybe there’s an opening there.

“It’s fine,” he grunts.

The man is older, maybe in his forties. Nice suit. Pristine hair. Plucked
eyebrows.

Ai Di flashes him his best smile. He knows how to get people to like him.

“Maybe I could buy you a drink? For the one that I ruined?” he asks, hand on
his bicep.
He doesn’t smile back but Ai Di can see him relent before he does.

“Sure,” he says. Ai Di leads him to the bar and on their way they pass Chen
Yi. He looks murderous. Ai Di would fear for his life if this whole thing wasn’t
Chen Yi’s idea. So now he’s just a little confused. And pissed. And worried
Chen Yi is going to fuck shit up. He really can’t handle his drinks. Ai Di
decides to let Chen Yi get himself together, he’s a big boy. The third uncle
invites him to his table and Ai Di goes.

He does his best to ignore the glaring and focus on the big shot that’s
talking to him. The drinks keep coming and his lips keep getting looser. It
takes no time at all when he’s already bragging about his cool connections
and his money and his position. Ai Di would find it hilarious if he wasn’t still
thinking about Chen Yi. He had egged him on when he knew he shouldn’t.

“What’s a pretty boy like you doing here? I don’t think I’ve seen you before?”
the third uncle slurs and that’s Ai Di’s only saving grace, how drunk this man
is. It doesn’t take a lot to make him think that he has his attention.

“You haven’t,” he answers, laying it thick and getting into the man’s space
just in case.

Fucking Chen Yi messing up his game.

He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He almost jumps into the air when
he feels it. That better be him. He excuses himself and goes to the bathroom.
One message from Chen Yi.

Done.

He eyes the window in the bathroom. Small but doable. He puts his phone
back into his pocket and wedges the window open. Jumps out into the pitch
dark.

He doesn’t make it far before he feels someone yank him back from the
collar of his jacket. Chen Yi grabs his shoulders and pushes him into the wall
of the bar.

Ai Di is not even a little bit surprised.

“Did you get it done?” he asks him, stopping whatever rant Chen Yi is gearing
up for. Clearly, it takes some steam out of him.
“Yes,” he says through gritted teeth. He keeps one hand on Ai Di’s shoulder
as he fishes out his phone and shows him the pictures he’s taken of third
uncle’s account books. So much misplaced money. Ai Di smirks.

“Good job. All of Rui’s planning didn’t go to waste. Good boy,” he says
clapping his hands together.

Chen Yi’s hand on his shoulder slides up until it’s pressing on his neck. He
feels the constriction on his windpipe, it’s a little harder to breathe.
Unexpected turn of events. Blood rushes south and his skin tingles in
excitement.

“You did that on purpose. You’ve always done that on purpose.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” he says, and even hearing his own hoarse
voice is kind of a turn on.

“I told you to distract him, not throw yourself at him!”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“Ai Di!”

The fingers on his throat get higher until their covering his mouth.
Instinctively, he opens it and lets the tips of his finger fall between his lips.

“You get off on it, don’t you? Me getting jealous. You always do this.”

Ai Di doesn’t know how to beg him to stop talking so much and just actually
get him off right this second, it won’t even take much, he’s itching so bad he
can’t stand straight.

“Yeah well, I had to get your attention somehow. You so often had other
people in mind.”

And just like that, Chen Yi lets go of him. Takes two steps behind. It feels
like two miles, the way cold air swarms the space in between them. He
misses his touch instantly and he feels the urge to whine in his gut but he’s
also already mad that Chen Yi’s being so predictable about this. Apparently,
they are just never going to talk about the elephant in the room.

“I see we’re still sticking with that denial. I gotta say Chen Yi, I expected a
little bit more self-awareness from you.”

“You have no idea-“

“So tell me! That’s literally all I’m asking!”

“Why? Why do you need to know? What good does any of that do?”

“’Cos I don’t trust the things you’re saying! I don’t trust us!”

Chen Yi yells in frustration and then he squats down with his head in his
hands like he’s a child hiding away. They’re still in the parking lot of a bar
that’s owned by a guy whose office they broke into. Ai Di knows the longer
they stay here, the more dangerous things will get.

He walks up to Chen Yi and crouches down. He pulls one of his hands out of
his hair and wraps it into his own.

“Come on. We should leave before anyone finds us.”

Chen Yi nods. Ai Di pulls him up and orders them a cab.

It’s a silent drive. Ai Di doesn’t dare break it.

Once they make it back, Ai Di follows Chen Yi to their room. He sits down on
the bed and lets Chen Yi pace. He's biting his nails with a far away look in his
eyes.

“Chen Yi,” he begs. Yeah, he’s down to begging. The alcohol is making his
head swim and he can’t live with this much space between them. Suddenly, it
feels unbearable to watch him drift away.

“I’m just trying to figure out what to say to you.”

He reaches for his arm and pulls him between his legs. He comes willingly.

“Just tell me the truth.”

Chen Yi tangles his fingers in Ai Di's hair and massages his forehead. His
eyes close in pleasure.

“I don’t know what that is,” Chen Yi says, quiet and careful. He keeps
stroking his face.

“Just try,” he mumbles, although he doesn’t really remember why he thought

this was an important conversation to have. Really, he just wants to pull Chen
Yi into bed with him.

Chen Yi cradles his face in his hands and Ai Di forces his eyes open so he can
look at him. His eyes look distraught.
“I…I’m afraid I’ll lose you.”

He leans his head against Chen Yi’s stomach and wraps his arms around his
waist. Chen Yi presses a kiss on the top of his head.

“I’m afraid of losing you too,” he whispers into the bare skin he’s uncovered
with his nose, right above his hipbone. He wants Chen Yi to understand that
he’s only asking because he’s scared.

“I don’t know what I felt for the boss. I wanted to be like him. I wanted- I
guess I wanted him to be proud of me. And to see me. You were my
responsibility, but we were his. He was safe. Like a rock. Someone I could
depend on.”

Ai Di doesn’t say anything. He’s too afraid to interrupt him now that he’s
finally talking about it to him.

“You were my responsibility, Ai Di. How was I supposed to look at you like
that when I was terrified of fucking up with you every single day? He was safe
in more than one way. I knew it would never come to anything. I could just
admire from afar.”

Ai Di nods, burrowing his head farther underneath Chen Yi’s shirt. He asked
for this but maybe Chen Yi could protect him from it too. Maybe it’s easier to
hear when he can breathe in the tremble in his skin.

“Maybe I loved him. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Everything I felt for him
shattered that night. You touched me and I felt it, I felt you. I saw you. I saw
what you were to me. And then you went to prison. I lost everything then.”

Chen Yi pulls his hair until he looks at him again. The grip is hard and Ai Di
tilts his head until he's baring his throat to him.

“Do you believe me?” Chen Yi asks. Ai Di tries to nod but he can’t move his
head.

“Yeah,” he whimpers. He does. But he also can’t handle this anymore, he

feels like he’s coming apart from his skin unless Chen Yi touches him.

“Please,” he asks. He would cry if that would help his case.

Chen Yi surges forward and goes straight for his throat. He bites down and it
hurts. It hurts just right. He gasps. His hands sneaks inside Chen Yi’s shirt,
he scratches his back and pulls him forward into him so hard they fall down
on the bed. Chen Yi keeps biting and licking his throat and Ai Di knows he’s
going to look battered the next day. The thought only excites him. He wants
to look like he’s Chen Yi’s chew toy.

He rips at Chen Yi’s shirt, and he lets go enough for Ai Di to pull it over and
toss it on the ground. Their legs are intertwined, and he pushes up in
desperation, trying to reach some friction. Chen Yi pushes back violently, and
it’s too much and not enough. Chen Yi slides his hands up from his waist
rolling his shirt up and over his head with his fingers. Skin meets skin and he
can’t help but moan. Chen Yi covers his mouth with his hand.

“Shh,” he pants. Ai Di licks the hand on him but stays quiet obediently.

Suddenly, Chen Yi stops biting his throat. The air against it feels offensively
cold. He doesn’t hold in the whine when Chen Yi stands up.

“Wait,” he says. He walks away. At least he's stripping away his jeans and
underwear.

He comes back to the bed and holds a rope in front of him.

“I need my hands to keep you quiet. But I want you to stay still. Can I?” he
nods towards Ai Di’s hands that are already reaching the top of the bed. He
twists his fingers in the bedframe.

“Fuck yeah,” he says.

Chen Yi doesn’t waste time ripping away Ai Di’s pants and then he climbs on
top of him. He ties his hands to the bedframe. The tight rope scratches the
skin on his wrists. That just makes Ai Di painfully hard and without any
clothes, he knows Chen Yi feels it too. He looks down and smirks.

“I knew it. You’re into this shit,” Chen Yi says.

“Look who’s talking,” he grumbles back. He has to direct his eyes to the
ceiling and think of his old awful school teacher when Chen Yi starts kissing
his chest. The fun is just starting, he has a bad track record with Chen Yi but
this time he’s determined to last longer than a teenager.

But then Chen Yi kisses the skin beneath his bellybutton and all thoughts
leave him.

“Shit,” he grunts. Chen Yi covers his mouth with his hand again and then he
licks a long line for the entire length of his dick. He can’t help his back
arching, but he keeps his hips in place. Chen Yi doesn’t give him any other
warning before he wraps his hand at the base of his dick and swallows the
rest of it down like a pro. He sucks and licks. Ai Di can only trash against his
restraints which just make him feel even more crazy. He wants to bite the
hand keeping him quiet. He opens his mouth wider. Chen Yi does the work
that’s asked of him and pushes his fingers into Ai Di’s mouth. He sucks on
them eagerly.

Pressure builds in his abdomen quick. He knows he’s leaking pre-come

everywhere.

“Chen Yi, Chen Yi, you need to stop, I’ll come if you don’t,” he pants around
the fingers in his mouth. Chen Yi just sucks harder.

It’s a lost game then. His toes curl and his back comes of the bed and letting
go feels amazing. Chen Yi replaces his mouth with his hand, and he comes
hard. When comes down, he can just blink at the ceiling. He has stars in his
eyes.

“Fuck. Fuck, what the fuck was that? Where the fuck did you learn all that?”
he asks when he can find his voice again. It’s rough from the abuse. Chen Yi
comes up and kisses him gently. He brings his forehead against his and for a
while they just breath together.

“I’m not done yet. Is this still okay?” Chen Yi asks and yanks at the rope.

“Yeah, yeah,” he answers in a daze.

Chen Yi looks him in the eye as he slides his sticky hand from his chest all
the way between his legs and behind his balls.

“And this?” he asks. His finger presses just slightly on the skin around his
entrance. His dick twitches in interest.

“Babe, I’ll give you anything you want.”

Chen Yi smiles. It's such a genuine smile Ai Di's heart lurches. He doesn’t
even get off the bed as he fishes the lube from the bedside table. He coats
his fingers in the stuff. It’s messy, Ai Di can feel lube and come sticking
everywhere on his body. It’s the hottest thing that has ever happened to him.

Chen Yi hesitates as he pushes one finger in. He looks at Ai Di with worry in

his eyes.

“Is that-“

“That’s great. Just keep going.”

He does, slowly and so gently, pushing in and out, crooking his finger and
rubbing the spot just the way Ai Di tells him. It takes so long for him to add
another finger Ai Di is already fully hard again and in agony. Sweat drips
from Chen Yi’s forehead onto his. He’s biting into his lip with a frown on his
face. He looks focused and determined. Ai Di’s only ever seen him look like
that on the job. He’s trying so hard.

Suddenly, Ai Di just needs to hold him.

“Hey, hey. Chen Yi, untie me. I need to touch you.”

Chen Yi drops everything he’s doing in an instant. He rips the rope off. As
soon as his hands are free he reaches for him with both hands and pulls him
into a kiss. He needs to wipe that worried look away from his face.

“You’re doing so well. I feel so good,” he whispers against his lips.

“Help me?” Chen Yi asks in between kissing him.

He nods and kisses him once, twice, three times before he takes Chen Yi’s
hand and helps him guide his dick into him. It’s been a while, and he gasps.
He stops Chen Yi from panicking and trying to pull out by keeping his hand
there.

“It’s okay. Trust me. It’s more than okay.”

He keeps kissing every part of Chen Yi’s face as he pushes in. When he
bottoms out, Ai Di’s body lets go completely and just molds itself to him.
Like they’re meant to be like that, two puzzle pieces locked in together. He
wraps his hands around Chen Yi’s head and starts to wriggle his hips.

“Move, move,” he chants, and Chen Yi takes his commands like a good boy.

Chen Yi starts to fuck him in earnest. His thighs are straining, and sweat is
gluing the bedsheet into his back. He feels raw and rung out and like he
wants to be here forever. No drug feels like this. He doesn’t want to come, he
just wants Chen Yi to go on, he wants him to fuck him until there’s nothing
left. His dick feels like it might light up on fire if he touched it and he’s
happy to ignore it. Tears prickle in his eyes.

Chen Yi’s grunting and whimpering and groaning so loud there’s no way
everyone in the auto shop won’t know what they’re doing. Ai Di couldn’t give
less of a fuck.
Chen Yi’s legs tremble and his body shakes, and he comes with a loud cry.
He collapses on top of him. Ai Di locks his legs around him and keeps him in
place.

“Ai Di, Ai Di.”

It sounds like a prayer. He let's Chen Yi wrap his hand around him and just
the touch of it enough. It hurts when he comes.

Chen Yi tries to pull himself up and out, but Ai Di stops him.

“No, no, not yet. Stay here, with me, like this. For a little while.”

Chen Yi leans down and kisses both of his eyelids before he leans his head
on top of his heart.

“I’ll stay here with you forever if you just let me.”

**

It’s a funny looking house. The walls are so white. Ai Di thinks that has to be
new.

He’s been sitting here, on a bench opposite of two neat looking houses.
They’re small but comfortable. There’s a swing on the yard in one of them.
The hedges are neatly trimmed. A black cat has been staring back at him
from a window for an hour at least. It feels like a bad omen but he can’t look
away.

He shifts positions. He’s so cold he can’t really feel his toes anymore. He
tries to warm up his fingers by blowing on them. The air billows between
them in a cloud. Jesus, when did winter come?

“Strange. The walls are too white.”

He’s not even startled by Chen Yi. That’s how used to he has gotten to him
appearing out of nowhere. Zong Yi is right. At this point he can only be
enabling his behavior no matter what he says to himself. Chen Yi sits down
next to him.

“I think so too. You remember what color they used to be?”

Chen Yi hums in thought but then shakes his head.

“No. Too much blood. That’s all I remember now. How did you find them?”
“First, let’s talk about how you found me. I swear I lost Xiao Jie already in the
city and the only suspicious people slinking around this neighborhood are
you and me.”

He emphasizes that last point by pointing a finger at himself and then at

Chen Yi. Chen Yi sidesteps the offending finger and reaches an arm over his
shoulder. Ai Di rolls his eyes. Even if it feels pretty nice. Warm. Chen Yi
sneaks his hand into the collar of his jacket and twiddles with the inseam. He
pulls out a little tracker from the lining and holds it proudly in front of his
face.

“Damn. I thought I got all of them.”

“Stop sabotaging my efforts to find you when I need you. Now come on. How
did you find the houses?”

Ai Di sighs. Chen Yi puts the tracker back. He doesn’t remove his arm from
his shoulder. Ai Di leans back against him. He crosses his arms in an effort to
make himself as small as possible in Chen Yi’s arms. In the cold morning air,
uncomfortably sober, he’s still not entirely sure if he understands Chen Yi
and his feelings but he craves the comfort he gets from him too much. It’s
his final admission. He’s not going anywhere, not really, not anymore. He
doesn’t have any kind of strength in him left to deny that he just wants this
in whatever way he can get.

“I asked the boss, and he just told me. Do you think he’s losing it? Or just
planning our violent murders?”

Chen Yi’s eyebrows raise up in concern.

“That can’t be good.”

“Yeah. I thought so too. Maybe you were right to be paranoid.”

“Jie would have told me if something was going down.”

“Boss is not going to say shit to him, you’re too close. He knows he’s loyal to
you. Damn Chen Yi, you’re not that smart, are you?”

Chen Yi’s face crunches in. He looks pissed. It’s a little funny.

“Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Ai Di snickers.

They settle down in silence. The cat is still staring at them.

He looks at the houses and he thinks they could be any houses anywhere in
the world for all that he remembers them. He can’t believe there was a time
when they used to live here. It looks so normal. A lump makes its way up his
throat.

“Chen Yi,” he says, struggling through it.

“Hm?”

“Why did you get me that night? Why did you take me with you?”

Chen Yi really looks at him then, like he could find the right answer from his
face. Ai Di tries to look earnest. He wants to know. Chen Yi turns around to
stare at the houses again and sighs.

“I don’t know. We heard shots from your house first. My mom had time to
stash me in a closet before they came for them. You know they shot her right
there, in front of the closet? I had to push her body away to climb out.”

Ai Di didn’t know that. He doesn’t know anything because he can’t

remember, and Chen Yi never tells him anything about before.

“I heard them talk about me, and how they should really leave no survivors
behind, but they got bored trying to find me. I guess they felt like they didn’t
really want to spend that much time trying to find a kid so they could kill
him.”

Ai Di takes his hand into his, intertwines their fingers and squeezes.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think that much. I just came to your house, hoping
that they had spared you too. And there you were, next to your mom. You
were crying so much. It was fucking awful.”

Chen Yi looks up to the sky and Ai Di can see that he’s swallowing back
tears. Ai Di smooths his thumb on his, pressing on the soft skin he finds
there.

“I just tried to think what my parents would want. What yours would want.
And when I picked you up, you didn’t even struggle. You were so small, and
you trusted me. That’s when I promised I would always take care of you.”

Ai Di tries to imagine it.

He knows Chen Yi. He gets it. He has the softest heart out of anyone he
knows. It’s really inconvenient for someone so intent on being a mafia boss.
“You know, you don’t own me or them anything anymore? You’ve done
enough. More than enough. It’s okay to let go.”

Chen Yi groans in frustration.

“Ai Di, I could never-“

“No, I mean. I-“ he hesitates. He doesn’t know what he’s so scared of

anymore, but he is. He pushes forward despite feeling like he could just
throw up.

“I want to be with you. But you don’t need to treat me like I’m some precious
thing you need to protect. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. We
can just…be.”

“I know you can take care of yourself,” Chen Yi whispers.

Ai Di turns in his arms so that he can put his hands on his face. He kneads
his cheeks with his fingers. Gently. His skin is so much warmer than Ai Di’s.

“I want you to be with me because you want to. Not because you feel like you
need to.”

Chen Yi puts his own hands on top of his. His eyes are watery.

“Ai Di. I want to be with you. Of course, I want to be with you.”

It’s enough. For now, for them, it’s all more than enough.

**

Chen Yi parks his car and they walk back to the auto shop in silence. The air
feels heavy, like it’s trying to crush Ai Di’s chest. He feels happy and sure
about Chen Yi’s hand in his. For the first time in his life, things are good. The
last time he remembers feeling this hopeful was when he was still a little kid,
desperately dragging Chen Yi to school with him.

That’s what worries him. Things never are just good. Not in this line of
business, not with the lives they have. As soon as you start feeling content,
and confident in your content, you know you’ve missed something. When
they get close enough to the auto shop, they can see people gathered around
the boss. Chen Yi stops and pulls Ai Di to a halt as well. He drags his gaze
away from the auto shop to pull his phone out. His face falls.

“What?” Ai Di asks.
“Jie has called me seven times. Ze Rui’s texted me. He said that he gave all
the evidence to his grandfather.”

“What? Why?”

“He says he made some kind of a deal. He says he’s sorry.”

They both turn back to look at the boss. He’s looking right back at them.

“Do you think he knows?”

Chen Yi nods.

“Yeah. Probably.”

“Do you think it’s gonna be bad?”

Chen Yi squeezes his hand. His palm feels sweaty, and Ai Di can recognize
the terror in his eyes.

“I don’t know. I kind of want to run.”

Ai Di chuckles.

“I think it’s probably a little late for that.”

They stand there for what feels like hours, but it can’t be more than seconds.
Ai Di doesn’t want to let go of the happiness, the brief second of
carelessness. He just wanted to be with Chen Yi in peace. Just for a little
while.

“Come on. Let’s go,” Chen Yi says. Ai Di counts and stretches the seconds of
calm before the storm. He breathes out and follows Chen Yi. This time he
doesn’t let go of his hand when they step in the garage. Xiao Jie is standing
off to the side. He looks worried but otherwise okay. Ming Lei stand beside
the boss. Xian and Shuo are there too.

Ai Di whistles.

“Damn. This must be serious if they dragged you two out here.”

Chen Yi closes his eyes and sighs.

“Fucking hell.”

“Oops. I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” Ai Di whispers back to him, trying
his best to look like he’s actually sorry.
“Boys.”

The boss looks somber. Ai Di doesn’t trust it. Maybe he’s just sad about
having to kill them. He was the closest thing they had to a father for almost
15 years. Not a very close father or a very good one, but something.

“Fan Hong Da just called me. He was very upset. Ze Rui has betrayed them.
He blames me for betraying him. Do you have any idea why that would be?”

They both stay silent. Ai Di holds onto Chen Yi’s hand so hard he knows he’s
crushing it.

“I just want to know why. Help me understand.”

Ai Di doesn’t know what to say. Ming Lei looks furious, which is nothing new.
Xian and Shuo are not meeting their eyes.

“I’m sorry. We just wanted to get away. I hoped you would let us leave if we
gave them to you,” Chen Yi says quietly.

Ai Di looks at Chen Yi in shock. He hadn’t believed he would actually say that

to him.

“You fools. You’ve risked everything. Decades of work,” Ming Lei says. The
boss silences him with a hand in the air. He nods towards a large duffle bag
in the ground between them.

“Take the money and go. That will buy you time. I will tell Fan Hong Da that
you were working behind my back and betrayed me. They will come after
you. Ze Rui won’t be able to help you.”

Ai Di looks at the bag on the floor. He had fully been prepared to kill his way
out of here. His heart is beating twice as fast as it should and adrenaline has
been kicking him into fight mode. It takes a while for it to register what the
boss is saying to them.

“Boss…I- thank you,” Chen Yi says.

Boss waves his hand.

“Don’t thank me. You need to know something before you go.”

Ming Lei shakes his head.

“This is a bad idea,” Xian says.

“Shut up,” Shuo says. Xian looks back down on the ground.
“What?” Ai Di asks.

Boss nods to Ming Lei. He turns around and hands a thick file to Chen Yi. He
opens it and a bunch of pictures fall into his hands. Ai Di feels even more
lost.

“The people who killed your parents.”

Chen Yi snaps his head back up.

“What?”

“It’s all in there. Everything you need to know.”

“You told me you killed them. That’s the first thing you told me. I remember.”

Chen Yi’s voice is frighteningly calm but Ai Di can see he’s bursting at the
seams. He reaches for the bag on the floor. This is not going to end well.
He’s too worried about Chen Yi to worry about what Ming Lei is saying.

“Your parents were killed by a gang they had infiltrated to get close to the
Fan family. They got caught. We couldn’t protect them without implicating
everyone. So. We’ll do what we can for you now. I suggest you take it.”

Ming Lei is clinical when he says this. He betrays no emotions on his face.
Suddenly, it makes sense why Xian and Shuo can’t face them. The boss has
the decency to look remorseful.

“This can’t be real,” Chen Yi says. Ai Di grabs his arm.

“Come on. We should go.”

“You should. I suspect they are coming for you already,” Ming Lei says.

“I’m sorry,” the boss says.

Chen Yi stares at him. He takes a double take like somehow it would all start
making more sense.

“How could you?”

That’s enough. He starts pushing and pulling Chen Yi towards his car. He
doesn’t resist but he doesn’t help him either. He keeps staring at the group
still in the garage.

He forces Chen Yi on the frontseat and hops on the driver's seat himself. He
throws the bag on the backseat. They will need to stop somewhere to get
stuff. They don’t have anything with them. 15 years of life just gone without
a trace. Where the fuck are they even supposed to go? He pulls his phone out
and sees a message from Bai Zong Yi.

Please tell me you’re okay. I didn’t know.

What a fucking mess. He throws his phone on the cup holder. He looks over
to Chen Yi who looks like he isn’t there at all.

“Chen Yi. What do you want to do?”

“I want to kill them all.”

Ai Di breathes his words in and then silence. A pin drops.

At least he’s finally saying what he wants. This might actually kill them. But
at least he knows he’s being honest.

For a minute, he mourns the moment just before. The sense that he had
somewhere to go other than death and the absolute certainty that Chen Yi
was going to come with him. The promise of an opportunity. A different kind
of life.

Ai Di clicks his tongue. He closes that door in his mind. It was never a real
door anyway.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

**
 Finally gone crazy (for you)
Chen Yi can't remember exactly when it started. Maybe from when they
became sworn brothers in the orphanage, where Ai Di used to get bullied
because of his size, and Chen Yi always pushed Ai Di behind him to take the
bullies on himself. Or maybe when they were ages 9 and 12, freshly adopted
into the syndicate, getting used to the rough-and-tumble lifestyle, where
shoving and pulling was the only form of affection allowed amongst the
gang. Or maybe even older, when Ai Di was entering his rebellious phase,
and Chen Yi found it easier to just pick him up and put him where he wanted
him, instead of wasting time arguing.

The thing is, Ai Di isn't a damsel in distress type. He's an even better fighter
than Chen Yi. And absolutely no one is allowed to touch him in the same way
Chen Yi does unless they want their hands bitten off.

So the fact that Ai Di pretty much let Chen Yi manhandle him any way he
wants, for years, when he was more than capable of stopping him if he
wanted to, should have clued him in to just how differently Ai Di treats him
in comparison to everyone else.

It didn't.

So maybe Chen Yi is a little oblivious; that's never been a problem before.

Chen Yi doesn't remember when exactly he started to enjoy manhandling Ai

Di.

…Actually, he does.

It's when Ai Di started wearing those fucking chokers.

Chen Yi was 16 when Ai Di, age 13, showed up to a territory fight one day
with a thin ring of black leather around his neck. The boy had unfortunately
gotten pinned to the ground and choked during the fight, and by the time
Chen Yi managed to rip the guy off him and peel the choker away to check
the damage, the accessory had left a red imprint around Ai Di's neck, and a
bruise in the hollow of his throat.

That day, 16 year old Chen Yi learned what it felt like to be metaphorically
punched in the balls.

"What's with the dog collar?" He'd asked Ai Di, gesturing to the choker as Ai
Di gingerly replaces it around his neck after the fight. Chen Yi can't help but
track the movement of Ai Di's slim fingers fastening the thin strip of leather
against his throat, and absently wonders why his mouth feels so dry.

Ai Di shrugs, dusting himself off; the black choker contrasts deeply with the
colourful outfit he has on, but Chen Yi kind of likes it. "Just showing you who
I belong to, I guess," he says, smiling cheekily.

"Huh. Didn't think you were this loyal to the organisation." Chen Yi
comments, surprised.

The smile drops off Ai Di's face and he scowls. "Nevermind, forget I said
anything," he mutters, pushing past Chen Yi and striding off, leaving him
speechless and confused in his wake.

So yeah. The chokers started it. Since then, there's barely been a day when
Chen Yi doesn't pull, grab, or simply pick Ai Di up to put him somewhere he
wants him to be. More often than not, he has his hands around Ai Di's throat
when he does so - Ai Di's neck is at just the right height, and Chen Yi finds
that he likes the feel of his choker pressing into his palms. Ai Di hasn't been
without one ever since he started wearing them at 13.

Along the way, it seems that Ai Di has picked up the habit too, because Chen
Yi regularly finds Ai Di's hands around his own throat, or fisted in his shirt
collar - the former when Ai Di has a height advantage, like when Chen Yi is
sitting down, and the latter when he's standing and Ai Di wants to bring him
to his level.

Again, Chen Yi likes it. He doesn't really bother to ask himself why; they're
brothers and it's natural they enjoy each other's company, right?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When they're a little older, their touches become less friendly, more
antagonistic. It has very little to do with them maturing and a lot to do with
Chen Yi's growing admiration for their boss and adopted father.

Is it love? Chen Yi's not sure, but he knows it's not something he's felt before
for another person. Not even for Ai Di; for Ai Di he's always felt the need
to protect , to stay by his side no matter what. With their boss, Chen Yi feels
like he's always looking up, towards an unattainable figure yet you somehow
wish you could climb up there, too.

Ai Di clearly disagrees with this sentiment, and he protests more -

and loudly - whenever Chen Yi picks him up now.
"Are you insane?!" He screeches when Chen Yi slings him over his shoulder in
a fireman carry - effectively tried and tested as the most efficient way of
getting Ai Di to go anywhere with minimal resistance. "What will your
precious boss say about this, huh?"

Their boss won't say anything at all, Chen Yi's pretty sure. The entire
organisation knows that Chen Yi touching anyone is reserved for just Ai Di,
and anyone touching Ai Di is reserved for just Chen Yi.

"Just leave me to do my own thing, and run back to the boss like the good
puppy you are," Ai Di snarls, clearly a last-ditch effort to get Chen Yi to put
him down.

The remark needles at him in a way that irks, because Ai Di still doesn't get
it. Chen Yi's had enough; he places Ai Di back down and shoves him against
the wall by the neck, leaning in close. At this distance, Chen Yi can see Ai
Di's choker flex against his throat as the blonde swallows. "You still report to
me in this organisation, so if I tell you to stay beside me, you stay beside
me. So you are either coming back to headquarters with me, or I'm dragging
you back there myself."

Ai Di's mouth is twisted into a defiant scowl when Chen Yi releases him, but
he obediently follows Chen Yi to the car anyway.

Good. Chen Yi needs to see Ai Di safe - protecting him is, and always has
been, Chen Yi's first priority. Why doesn't Ai Di understand that?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fan Zherui picks up a little stray civilian named Bai Zongyi, and it triggers a
chain of changes in Chen Yi and Ai Di's relationship.

For one, when Chen Yi picked up a drunk Ai Di from Bai Zongyi's house that
day, Ai Di not conscious enough to complain for once, he'd nearly forgotten
just how much he liked the feel of Ai Di's body against his.

And Zhe Rui, who barely gets chatty with Chen Yi on a good day, was
suddenly brave enough to ask him what Ai Di means to him. Chen Yi blames
the beer - which Ai Di definitely had way too much of - but the question
does, in fact, make him start to think.

Two, Ai Di goes back to school - undercover at Rui's request, but he

disappears for literal days with no contact whatsoever, which he's never done
before in the entire time Chen Yi's known him.
"I couldn't find you because you wouldn't let me find you." Chen Yi complains
after the entire ordeal, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. If examined
closer, Chen Yi would recognise the feeling as being hurt that Ai Di didn't
trust him enough to tell him where he went, but Chen Yi doesn't want to do
that.

Instead, he starts to wonder if he's taken away the chance for a "normal" life
for Ai Di. Chen Yi is happy where he is in the organisation, has found some
kind of purpose in the life he's living now - but he's never asked if Ai Di felt
the same. He'd assumed back then that as long as they were together, it was
enough. Had he been so selfish this entire time?

"Do you want to go back to school?" He finds himself asking.

It's almost expected, the eyeroll he receives in return. "Don't be stupid." Ai Di

says. "I'm too smart for school. Besides, Zongyi will hate me if I infiltrate his
classroom permanently."

And three, Ai Di has made a friend in Bai Zongyi - closer to his age than
Chen Yi is, and his first friend outside of the organisation. Outside of Chen
Yi. Chen Yi can't help but feel like things are starting to slip out of his
control, leaving him behind in the dust.

But the first genuine smile he's cracked in a long time was also when he saw
Ai Di in that ridiculous Red Riding Hood costume, falling into his arms like a
cartoon princess. Ai Di's eyes had been huge then, staring up into Chen Yi's,
and with his black hair (wig), it had been easy to pretend that they were 9
and 12 again, and all Chen Yi needed to worry about was making sure Ai Di
stays safe.

"Stop smiling like that, you look crazy," Ai Di had rolled his eyes as he
pushed out of Chen Yi's hold. "I just came because I heard you were hurt.
What happened?"

"Nothing major. It's just a small injury." Warmth bloomed in Chen Yi's chest
anyway, a feeling that he can't quite identify yet, but has been appearing
more and more frequently whenever he's with Ai Di these days.

They cannot leave each other's sides. That, at least, Chen Yi is sure of.

Days later, Ai Di confesses to him, fucks him, then chooses to go to jail, and
everything goes to shit.

For the first time in over ten years, Chen Yi sinks to his knees, and cries.
He's made a huge mistake.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Chen Yi of four years later is focused, a little bit desperate, and hell-bent
on never letting Ai Di go ever again.

"Are you crazy?!" Ai Di yells when Chen Yi once again tosses him over his
shoulder - it's even easier than he remembers, Chen Yi has filled out more
over the years, and Ai Di has lost even more weight while in jail - and forces
him into the car.

"Put me down, you're insane!" Ai Di continues to yell, while Chen Yi marches

straight into their headquarters with Ai Di struggling uselessly against him,
casually carrying him over the threshold in front of an entire row of their
gang members, before plonking him down in front of a table of food
prepared specially for him.

None of it works. Everything that Chen Yi is used to doing - and not doing,
for Ai Di, does nothing in winning him back.

The night that he finds Ai Di asleep hugging his jacket, hope flares again in
Chen Yi's chest.

Then Ai Di provokes him, runs his hands up his chest like he actually means
it, and all plans are thrown out of the window as Chen Yi grabs him and all
but tosses Ai Di carelessly onto the bed. "It was 'just for fun', wasn't it?" Chen
Yi growls, crawling over him, pressing Ai Di into the pillows. "Why can't you
do it now?"

Ai Di's eyes are huge and angry as he stares up at Chen Yi. Chen Yi has never
known Ai Di to back down from a fight, and this one is no different. He
doesn't actually plan on going through with it; Ai Di clearly doesn't want it
right now, but Chen Yi has a point to prove and by gods is he going to prove
it. He grabs the hem of Ai Di's shirt, roughly forces it up - then finds himself
suddenly flipped onto his back, Ai Di's hands around his throat.

Call him insane, but he's actually missed that feeling.

"You're insane!" Ai Di shouts, fist raised as if to punch him. Ah. There it

was. "Crazy! Chen Yi, what's wrong with you?!"

The thing is, Chen Yi feels insane. He feels like he's gone insane in the four
years Ai Di was in prison, and he's going insane now trying and failing to
prove to Ai Di that his feelings are genuine.
He catches Ai Di's fist with a grunt, jaw clenched with the effort from holding
onto it, not letting Ai Di pull away as he stares up at him with a gaze he only
hopes conveys the desperation and desire that he so agonisingly feels.

Ai Di's breath stutters; he rears back, eyes wild as his gaze searches Chen
Yi's face, looking for any sign of deception. Chen Yi keeps his expression
open, trusting. He'll never give Ai Di a reason to doubt him ever again.

"C-Chen Yi." Ai Di's voice sounds so heartbreakingly young. Chen Yi hasn't

heard Ai Di call his name like this since he was 10 years old.

What he does next is born entirely from instinct. He grabs Ai Di into a hug,
and while the blonde struggles violently at first, he stills when he raises his
head and meets Chen Yi's eyes.

"I love you, Ai Di. The last four years have only taught me one thing, and it's
that I took way too long to realise that. I knew it was you that night. But I
didn't think that the first time I kissed you and meant it would also be the
last time I saw you. I nearly drank myself to death that week," he confesses.
Ai Di doesn't make a sound, looking like he's barely breathing as he stares at
Chen Yi in stupefied confusion.

But he's not struggling to get away either, so Chen Yi takes a chance, and
presses his lips to Ai Di's hair. He's spent the last four years praying for this
moment. "You said you're the only one who sees me. I'm finally seeing
you. Please, Ai Di, will you look at me again?"

There's no protest from Ai Di this time, no accusations of him saying crazy

things. Instead, a pair of sweater-clad arms throw themselves around his
neck, and soft lips meet his.

Finally, finally, he's found the right thing to say.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They tumble into bed right after, neither of them willing to waste the rest of
the night.

At some point, Chen Yi has Ai Di pressed against the mattress, all but
looming over Ai Di's smaller frame. His right hand is wrapped around both of
Ai Di's wrists, pinning them above his head, easily. "You're so tiny," Chen Yi
coos, feeling exhilarated by how small Ai Di looks against him, still in
disbelief about how he's finally able to have this. He's never felt like this
before, euphoric until he's almost giddy with it.
Ai Di stares at him like he's grown a second head.

Yeah, love does that to you, Chen Yi thinks, stupidly fond. He's made Ai Di
wait too long for his affections, but he's going to make sure that Ai Di never
second guesses his intentions ever again. Chen Yi doesn't bother to hide how
dizzyingly happy he feels when he grins widely down at the blonde.

"You… you're insane," Ai Di declares weakly, looking blindsided in the face of

Chen Yi's open affection.

Chen Yi really can't help it. Once he's chosen to be honest about his feelings
for Ai Di, how can he be expected to rein them back in after four long,
repressed years? He beams. "For you." Chen Yi says, laughter bubbling out of
him when Ai Di openly cringes, even as a pretty blush blooms across his
features.

"Okay, that's it, you're starting to creep me out, I'm not having sex with you
until you get whatever drug that's currently in your system - uh. Chen Yi…?"
Ai Di tries to pull his hands out from Chen Yi's grip, only to find that he's not
budging an inch.

Chen Yi's grin just grows wider. "You're my drug." He says, then pounces.

"What the fu- Chen Yi!"

 render your heart to me
Once again Ai Di found himself in Chen Yi’s room, his bed. Weeks of push
and pull, teasing and understanding led him back - this time both of them
sober and mostly clear-eyed. Things are quiet, probably too quiet - the eye
of the storm, no doubt - with no one injured, no one missing, no one beating
down the doors, at least not today. Ai Di has noticed something different in
Chen Yi’s expression of late, something hard and gentle at the same time -
sure, there’s that same desire, the look that says he might devour Ai Di
entirely if given the chance. But there’s something else lurking underneath,
and Ai Di wants nothing more than to tear it out of Chen Yi and pull it apart
and get his hands dirty with the feeling of it, the promise of what it might be.

Right now, though, Chen Yi’s hands are in his hair and anything he might
want to say is swallowed up by Chen Yi’s teeth tugging at his lips. Ai Di melts
into the kiss, sliding their tongues together and pressing himself against
Chen Yi so hard he almost feels like he could disappear. They stay like this
for a long while, Ai Di breathing in the heady scent of Chen Yi, the deep
woodsy smell of his cologne and something darker underneath, tasting each
others mouths until Ai Di can’t bear it any longer and starts tearing at their
clothes. Ai Di pushes Chen Yi onto his back, peppering his jaw with kisses,
then moving down to nip and suck at the sensitive skin of his neck, drawing
out tiny sounds of pleasure. Ai Di continues lower, his hands roaming freely
over Chen Yi’s naked body, enjoying the tremors under his fingers when he
hits a particularly sensitive spot. He’s so absorbed in his explorations that
he’s caught off guard when Chen Yi grabs him by the waist and tosses him
on his back, letting out a huff of indignation that Chen Yi just laughs at.

Chen Yi leans in to offer a kiss of apology, then trails his lips up to Ai Di’s
ear and whispers oh so softly, “Wanna taste you.” Ai Di hums in appreciation
as Chen Yi takes him in his mouth, carefully at first and then with more and
more insistence, sucking him in deeper and deeper until Ai Di’s hips start
lifting off the bed of their own accord, his dick slamming against the back of
Chen Yi’s throat. Another minute of this and Ai Di knows he won’t last much
longer. As if reading his mind, in one fluid motion Chen Yi pulls off his cock
and flips him onto his stomach.

“Fuck, Chen Yi!”

Ai Di is turned on and pissed off at the same time as he feels the full weight
of Chen Yi on his back, the insistent press of his hard-on against his ass.
Before Ai Di can do anything about it, Chen Yi is back at his ear, his voice
pitched even lower this time, dripping with intention: “Wanna taste all of
you.”

The sound that escapes Ai Di’s lips is one that only dogs can hear, and
before his brain can fully catch up to what’s happening, Chen Yi has buried
himself face-first in Ai Di’s ass, tongue lapping and pressing insistently at
his entrance. It doesn’t take long until Ai Di’s legs are shaking and he’s
reduced to humping the bed, trying to get any friction he can for his aching
dick. He vaguely wonders where the hell Chen Yi learned to do this, a tiny
flare of jealousy that he might have been doing this with someone else while
Ai Di was gone those four years erupting, only to be pushed aside by the
overwhelming sensations radiating from the core of his body.

“Please, Chen Yi - I need you - ah, please, just fuck me already,” Ai Di

stutters out, craning his neck to see Chen Yi pull back with a triumphant
smile.

“Such an eager boy,” Chen Yi teases, pressing tender kisses to Ai Di’s spine.

Ai Di buries his face in the pillow beneath him, listening to the sounds of
Chen Yi slicking up his fingers, barely able to contain himself as Chen Yi
works him open slowly but intently. By the time Chen Yi gets a third finger
inside of him, Ai Di’s head is swimming and his breath is coming in short,
hard bursts. Another flip onto his back and suddenly Chen Yi is above him,
inside him, overwhelming him. They cling to each other, Chen Yi’s hips
snapping into Ai Di at a steady pace, his head tucked into Ai Di’s shoulder. Ai
Di moans Chen Yi’s name again and again, then pulls him back by the hair to
press a brutal kiss to his lips.

When Chen Yi finally breaks away his eyes stay locked on Ai Di’s face, and
when he speaks his voice is filled with emotion: “Tell me you’re mine, Ai Di.
Tell me.”

“I’m yours, Chen Yi, I’m yours.” Ai Di whispers it like a holy mantra, tears
pricking the edges of his vision. Chen Yi’s eyes flutter closed and he lets out
what sounds to Ai Di’s ears like a sigh of relief. But all of a sudden Ai Di feels
that ugly flare of envy arise in him again, thoughts of Chen Yi’s desperate
crush on their boss rushing to the front of his mind. He needs to know once
and for all that Chen Yi only has eyes for him, needs to have the wildfires of
his jealousy extinguished for good.
“Tell me you’re mine, Chen Yi - I want to hear you say it.” Ai Di’s hands travel
up to caress Chen Yi’s neck. When he presses experimentally, Chen Yi’s eyes
fly open, dark as obsidian.

“I’m yours, Ai Di,” he gasps, leaning into the pressure. Ai Di tightens his grip
just a bit more.

“And no one else’s,” Ai Di demands.

“And no one else’s,” Chen Yi repeats.

Ai Di releases his neck, his hands caressing Chen Yi’s face as Chen Yi begins
to pick up the pace even more, his cock finally reaching the spot that makes
Ai Di arch up off the mattress, a loud moan escaping him. He can feel his
orgasm building, and before long he’s coming untouched, spilling all over
his stomach. Chen Yi follows soon after, filling Ai Di and collapsing into his
arms. Ai Di sighs happily, running his fingers through Chen Yi’s hair,
scratching a soothing rhythm into his scalp. A minute of comfortable silence
passes, after which Ai Di feels a strange hitching of breath coming from Chen
Yi. He pushes himself up a bit, forcing Chen Yi to lift his head, and can’t
understand why he’s seeing tears staining Chen Yi’s face.

“Hey, hey - what’s this?” he asks, concern evident in his voice, but Chen Yi
can only shake his head. Ai Di gently shifts them around so he can better
tuck Chen Yi into his arms, comforting him as he cries.

Eventually Chen Yi looks up at him, choking out the words: “Please - please
just promise you’ll never leave me again.”

Ai Di lets out a deep breath and pulls him closer, thumbs brushing away his
tears. “I’m not going anywhere, Chen Yi. I’m yours - I’m yours.”
 i love you in the same way, there's a
chapel in a hospital
Ever since he met Ai Di, Chen Yi had known that the both of them were fated
for a lifetime of entanglement.

How’d he known? Just a gut feeling.

What did that mean? Didn’t matter. All that was important was that Ai Di
would be a constant presence for the rest of his life. He’s sure of it.

Chen Yi was right.

Until he wasn’t.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ah Yi’s earliest memory of Ai Di was of when he was just a babe, bundled up

and nursing in his mother’s arms. Ai Di had been born a few days prior and
Auntie was just well enough to be discharged home that day. The boss had
allowed Uncle to be present for Ai Di’s birth before he recalled their fathers
back to work; his mother offered to help provide postpartum support. Thus,
Mama brought him along to stay with Auntie while she looked after her. Ah
Yi didn’t mind.

Auntie was his neighbour and she looked after him when Papa and Mama
were busy. She was always kind and gave the best hugs. But for the past few
months, she couldn’t hug him much because her tummy was getting bigger.
He had heard from Mama that it was because Auntie was going to have a
baby, just like how Ah Yi was Mama’s baby. He didn’t fully understand what
Mama meant and Auntie giggled when Ah Yi asked her if her baby was going
to look like a mini-him. She had replied that no, her baby wasn’t going to be
another Ah Yi, that her baby was going to look like Auntie and Uncle. Her
baby would be like Ah Yi’s little brother and when he was big enough, could
also play with him. Ah Yi couldn’t wait. From then on, whenever he saw
Auntie, he would ask to touch her tummy and talk to the baby. It was his
didi!

When they went over, he saw Auntie resting with a bundle in her arms. She
beckoned him forwards, “Ah Yi sweetheart, come meet Ai Di!” Mama gently
guided him forwards.

“Baby from tummy?”

“Yes,” Mama caressed his head.

“Didi?”

“Yes!” Auntie grinned.

Ah Yi peered at the newborn swaddled in layers of cloth. His first impression

was that Ai Di was tiny. He was red and he looked funny. Just when he was
about to voice as such, Ai Di opened his eyes. They twinkled like the stars in
the night sky on the rare occasion Papa took him stargazing. Unwittingly, he
stretched his chubby fingers to touch the baby’s face, only for Ai Di to grasp
them, revealing a gummy smile.

Ah Yi was sold on Ai Di. He was going to be the bestest gege ever!

As Ai Di grew bigger, true to Auntie’s words, he was allowed to play with Ah

Yi. Ai Di was a boisterous child and his small frame never did quite contain
his exuberance. Coupled with the way he clung to Ah Yi, it meant that Ah Yi
was roped into following Ai Di’s whims and fancies. Auntie often nagged at
Ai Di to stop forcing Ah Yi into complying with his demands, but Ah Yi would
always reassure her that nobody was forcing him to do anything; Ai Di just
huffed and pouted at the corner. In actual fact, Ah Yi rather enjoyed being
dragged into many adventures by those small, soft hands. On their many
adventures, when Ai Di found anything interesting, he would always show Ah
Yi first, readily flashing him the sweetest of smiles. In return, Ah Yi would
ruffle Ai Di’s hair and patiently entertain his curiosities: Wow what a pretty
rock! That’s a beetle. No! You can’t eat that!

Ah Yi didn’t understand why his kindergarten classmates who also had

younger siblings often complained about how annoying their siblings were,
how sometimes they wished that their siblings would just disappear. He
didn’t find Ai Di annoying and would never wish for him to be gone from his
life. Yes, he could be silly but he was mostly cute and endearing. He was like
Ah Yi’s little shadow, following him wherever he went. Ah Yi loved him very
much.
Their halcyon days didn’t last.

That year, Ah Yi had just turned 8.

That day after school, as Ah Yi rounded the corner to his house, he saw a
group of people in black crowding outside his front door. Some wielded bats
while others carelessly held guns in their hands. In the midst of
contemplating his next course of action, he was pulled harshly into the alley.
He nearly yelped but a strong hand clamped over his mouth.

“Shh, it’s Mama.”

“Mama? What’s going on?” Fear bled out in his voice.

“Don’t ask questions. Go down the alley and find your Auntie. Remember, I
love you very much, Yi’er. Now go. Don’t look back!”

Before he could reply, Mama had already exited the alley, and he was sure
she was headed to confront those people. He wasn’t stupid. In the depths of
his heart, he knew that he would never see Mama again. Tears leaked
uncontrollably out of his eyes but he had no time to cry. Mama was buying
him time. Escaping was more important. And so he turned and fled down the
alley, to sounds of bats meeting flesh.

When Ah Yi reached the end of the alley, he found Auntie trying to stuff Ai Di
into a discarded sliding cabinet. Ai Di was crying and refusing to budge.
“Auntie…”

Auntie’s head whipped around and she looked at him. Ah Yi had never seen
her so terrified. Her eyes softened upon registering his presence, “Ah Yi!
Thank goodness you’re okay!” Wiping his tears, he moved closer towards the
pair.

“Auntie, let me.” Cognisant of the gravity of the situation, Ah Yi grabbed Ai

Di, tucking him into his arms before squeezing himself into the cabinet. Ai Di
struggled but Ah Yi just held on tighter.

Auntie looked at him with pained eyes and a watery smile. “Thank you, Yi.
We’re sorry. We love you, both of you. Please help me look after Ai Di.
Promise?”

“En.” He etched this promise onto his heart.

The cabinet slid shut, and her footsteps receded. Ah Yi turned his back to the
door, so Ai Di would be shielded should anything happen. He fully expected
Ai Di to throw a fit now that his mother had left and was prepared to shush
him before he realised that Ai Di was awfully silent. He only knew Ai Di was
conscious from the wet patch on his shirt that was steadily growing in size.
Seems like Ai Di was aware of what was happening. Ah Yi held him tighter.

A shot ricocheted through the alley and the smell of blood permeated the air.
Ai Di started trembling and all Ah Yi could do was to hold him closer. “Gege’s
here.” He pressed his lips to Ai Di’s forehead. Just like Mama always did when
he was scared. Ai Di passed out from exhaustion soon after.
He wasn’t sure how long he had held that position but afterwards, they were
found by a primly-dressed man with a genial face. The man introduced
himself as Chen Dong Yang and said that he was their parents’ friend, that
they had asked him to take both of them in. Ah Yi was silent but didn’t
protest when strong arms swept both children into a firm chest. He covered
Ah Yi’s eyes and carried them towards his waiting sedan.

Ah Yi wasn’t oblivious. He knew that Chen Dong Yang was their parents’
superior, not their friend. He didn’t have any obligations towards the two
orphans, much less raise them in his subordinates’ stead. Still, Ah Yi was
grateful because this meant that he wouldn’t be separated from Ai Di and
with Chen Dong Yang’s abilities, Ai Di would be well taken care of. Though
he was young, he knew that there was no free lunch in this world; what he
takes must be returned. His young mind made up, he made a pledge to Chen
Dong Yang: he will serve Yiyun Meng as repayment for the life debts owed,
but please let Ai Di keep his freedom. Please don’t let this world stain
someone so bright and full of wonder, I won’t be able to protect him, went
unspoken. Chen Dong Yang just laughed in response and told him to do as
he deemed fit.

On that day, he became Chen Yi.

It took them the next few years to settle into and come to terms with their
new reality. With changes happening in every aspect of their lives, it was
difficult. They were just kids but no one coddled them. No longer were there
soft words and gentle touches. No adult checked in on how their day had
been.

They missed their parents terribly. Some days were bad, their grief
ballooning so large it was difficult to function. Other days were better. Ai Di
had night terrors; they shared a bed. They learnt that their only constant was
each other, and they became each other’s crutch. Since no one would look
out for them, as the elder, Chen Yi shouldered that duty. He protected, doted
on, and worried after Ai Di, giving him the love that was made unavailable to
them. Ai Di returned this love in the form of hugs, compliance, and
obedience. They became brothers, with the bond they shared being forged
through the countless adversities they sailed through and conquered.

Life hadn’t been good to them these past few years. But Chen Yi still had Ai
Di and he would count his small blessings. For him, that was enough.

Chen Yi had thought that this status quo they fought for would last well into
the future. Yet, their hearts at 17 and 14 respectively had different plans.

Somewhere along the way, Chen Yi realised that he found males to be more
attractive than females. He wasn’t ashamed, he just wasn’t loud about it. He
had no problems with his preferences, love was love.

Until Ai Di hit puberty.

You see, it just so happened that Chen Yi and Ai Di shared the same love
language - physical touch, which manifested in the form of tender hugs. A
whole lot. And while Ai Di had always been cute in Chen Yi’s eyes, he was
beginning to blossom into a young beauty. Now, whenever they hugged, it
stirred up something primal deep within his guts, feelings that he couldn’t
name. Wouldn’t name. The feelings also intensified when Ai Di would sajiao
and call him “gege” to get his attention. At this rate, Chen Yi was going to be
fucked!

Ai Di was his didi, and a minor at that for god’s sake! He was meant to
protect him! Not harbour untoward intentions towards him! He still had to be
accountable to Auntie! Chen Yi was guilt-ridden and knew he had to put a
stop to whatever thoughts his pubertal brain was subjecting him to. If Ai Di
ever were to find out Chen Yi’s thoughts, Chen Yi was sure the boy would be
disgusted with him. How could his gege, someone he’s known since he was a
baby and treated like family, look at him that way? He was sure Ai Di would
disappear from his life and he didn’t want that. Ai Di was his most important
person. He wouldn’t be able to bear losing him. Being brothers was safe.
Being brothers was the only choice.

So Chen Yi set his foot down. He told Ai Di that they were too old to be
hugging, and that since Ai Di was becoming a man, to cut the sajiao. It was
unbecoming. But Chen Yi was also selfish and still had to have physical
contact with Ai Di in some way. Chen Yi’s bright idea was to constantly
manhandle and play rough. Just like real brothers.

Furthermore, Chen Yi was at the cusp of adulthood. It was time to make

good on that pledge he made all those years ago. Work would keep him busy
and he wouldn’t be idle enough to entertain foolish thoughts.

True enough, work saw him spending extended periods of time in close
proximity with Chen Dong Yang. Chen Yi had eyes: Chen Dong Yang was
ruggedly handsome with an alluring physique to boot. The man was
powerful, his plans elegant, his manoeuvres graceful; Chen Yi was awed.
Chen Dong Yang was truly the ideal man. His gratefulness coupled with his
preferences and raging hormones culminated in Chen Yi quickly developing a
crush - this man became his god and he began worshipping the ground the
man walked on.

Secretly, this also assuaged Chen Yi’s guilt, showing him that he was simply
appreciating beauty in its many forms, that he didn’t have unspeakable
thoughts about Ai Di. Everything was fine.
What he didn’t plan for, was for Ai Di entering his rebellious phase. Ai Di had
always been feisty, but now, he was feisty and increasingly hot-tempered. He
swaggered around as though he had a bone to pick with everyone. He no
longer listened to Chen Yi and started antagonising him. Ai Di had even
learnt how to roll his eyes and spew vulgarities! Chen Yi was at a loss of what
to do and could only leave it as it was, hoping that this phase would soon
pass.

Turns out, it wouldn’t pass. It was Ai Di’s brusque personality surfacing. Ai

Di was increasingly difficult. He insisted on tagging along with Chen Yi to his
work even though Chen Yi had vehemently refused every time; not that it
stopped him. Ai Di was violent and savage and he had had to step in multiple
times to prevent Ai Di from crossing the point of no return.

Ai Di stopped celebrating their birthdays, always claiming to be busy even

though the boss had taken time off and put in effort to organise celebrations
for the both of them. It made Chen Yi angry that Ai Di was disregarding their
boss, but it hurt more to think that Ai Di just no longer wanted to celebrate
their shared birthday; he had actually been looking forward to celebrating
with Ai Di every time. It was a reminder that they survived another year, an
additional year of being together. Celebrations used to be just the two of
them. But now that they were older, the Yiyun Meng brothers, who didn’t
know how to deal with children, were more comfortable in associating with
them and had wanted to join in.Their world had expanded. Didn’t Ai Di see
that?

To make matters worse, Ai Di was getting plastered and fooling around. Had
Chen Yi not arranged for Xiao Jie to act as Ai Di’s personal chaperone, he
wouldn’t have known how to bail him out of all the hairy situations the boy
got himself into.

Regardless of all the headaches Ai Di gave him, Chen Yi didn’t love him any
less, though he did feel that he was doing a shit job at looking after him. It
also hurt to realise that their relationship was beginning to fray, that the
bond he once thought unbreakable was slowly chipping away. He didn’t
know what to do.
But at least Ai Di was still around, right?

The morning after, Chen Yi awoke with a start. He was aware that in his
drunken stupor he had sought comfort in a warm body that he felt so safe
with, and that it felt all too good. What he wasn’t sure of was if it was really
Ai Di under him the whole night. Had he been hallucinating? He had brief
moments of clarity after he felt something wet falling on his face, and he was
sure he remembered seeing the familiar choker and silver chain. He would
know, he gifted them.

Feeling a headache coming on, Chen Yi moved off the bed to freshen himself
up. His hand landed on a zipper, which directed his attention down. When he
saw Ai Di’s hoodie, he froze.

So it was true? That it was Ai Di he tussled with yesterday night?

What did this mean? Hadn’t Ai Di been conscious?

Where did they stand now? Did he ruin everything?

And where was Ai Di now?

Planning to call said man for clarification, he reached over for his phone, only
for his eyes to land on the handwriting he knew so well. When he finally
made sense of what was written, his blood ran cold and panic began brewing
at the pit of his stomach.
Chen Yi shot off the bed and dressed as quickly as he possibly could.

“Where is Ai Di.” An order. Not a question.

“Uhh…” Xiao Jie felt as though he was wilting under Yi-ge’s furious stare.

Chen Yi narrowed his eyes. Xiao Jie knew something but he wasn’t saying. It
irritated him. “Spit it out!”

“I’m sorry Yi-ge! Ai Di ge said not to tell you!”

“I’m the boss. I’m giving you 3 seconds. 3…2…”

Before Chen Yi’s countdown ended, Xiao Jie spat out, “He went to see the big
boss!”

To show his displeasure, Chen Yi smacked Xiao Jie upside his head, before
making a move for his car. Props to Xiao Jie though, the man actually had the
guts to defy him for Ai Di.

With no regard for decorum, Chen Yi slammed open the doors to Chen Dong
Yang’s office.

“Where is Ai Di.”
“Where are your manners? I’m sure I taught you better than this.” Chen Dong
Yang levelled him with a stare. Chen Yi felt his jaw tense.

“No matter. Why do you want to know?” Chen Dong Yang replied leisurely.

Chen Yi could feel his panic about to boil over. His worst nightmare was
coming true. “He left. I need to know where he is.”

“To answer your question, he’s cleaning up your mess in jail. Did you think
that no one from Yiyun Meng would be held accountable and punished now
that an innocent boy has been implicated hmm? Ai Di came to make a deal.
He’s taking this bullet for you. Be grateful.”

Chen Yi lost his grip on his emotions. He was near hysterics.

“Why did you let him?! I asked you not to implicate him in Yiyun Meng’s
activities! That if anything, let it be me!” Before today, he had never dared to
shout at Chen Dong Yang.

“Ai Di was free. This was his choice. Do you really think he can be stopped?
And besides, do you really not know why?" Chen Yi gritted his teeth and kept
silent.

"You’re not blind Chen Yi. I know you know how that boy looks at you.”

Chen Yi bit his lips until he tasted iron on his tongue.

“You don't get to pin this on me, boy. This was all you.”
Each word stabbed viciously into his heart.

Had Chen Dong Yang always been this cruel?

Chen Yi didn’t know how he left HQ. The next moment he was aware of his
surroundings, he found himself standing in front of Auntie’s niche.

Chen Dong Yang’s words rang in his head. He couldn’t deny nor refute a
single word he had said. They were true after all.

Ever since he had risen to Ai Di’s bait and kissed him forcefully, he had
known that he had been lying to himself 4 years ago. That he had locked
away his feelings in the deepest recesses of his heart and threw away the
key. But unbeknownst to him, Ai Di had a master key. His feelings were
unleashed and they came back with a vengeance.

On their last night together, Ai Di had thought that Chen Yi was drunk
because of the boss’ rebuke and how he wasn’t getting anywhere near the
approval he desired. That much was true. What he didn’t know was that that
was only part of the reason. The main reason was that Chen Yi needed to
numb his feelings. He needed to deny their existence. And the only way to do
so was to get inebriated, so drunk out of his mind that he couldn't think.

These feelings shouldn’t exist because it meant that Chen Yi had spent the
past 4 years chasing the wrong man. That he had wasted 4 years for nothing.
The crush was very much real, but it wouldn’t have lasted so long, or even
existed in the first place, if he had just acknowledged that it was Ai Di who
had stolen his heart all those years ago.
These feelings couldn’t exist because then Chen Yi would have to admit that
he was the reason for Ai Di’s behaviour, that he knew how to fix their
relationship when he claimed he didn’t know how to. He saw the thrashed
cakes. He knew that Ai Di put himself in danger and in risky situations just to
get a smidgen of his attention. That Ai Di had to see the person he loved
hankering after someone else. That he saw that Ai Di was hurting, and was
continually hurt. Which was why he acted out. Worst of all, he had to
acknowledge that though he was complicit in perpetuating Ai Di’s pain, Ai Di
never once stopped loving him. Even until now. Chen Dong Yang wasn’t the
cruel one. He was.

And all this for what?

Because Ai Di had been his treasure all along and Chen Yi was a coward.
Because he would rather not have Ai Di at all than to risk losing him. He’s
lost too much. He couldn’t lose Ai Di too. He wouldn’t be able to bear it.

And now, he has lost him anyway.

Chen Yi was wrong.

He had been so sure that he could keep Ai Di by his side. That his little
shadow would always stay behind him, no matter what life put them
through.

But the note left on his nightstand proved otherwise.

“Not playing with you anymore. Bye!”

Their paths had diverged a while back. Ai Di hadn’t been following behind
him for a while. He had known but he had been too scared to acknowledge it
because it meant that he was wrong all those years back, that he was weak.

That to protect his own heart, he had sacrificed Ai Di’s instead.

That he was Ai Di’s undoing.

That he had broken his promise.

“I’m sorry Auntie. I didn’t look after him well enough.”

For the first time since he was 8, Chen Yi cried.

The few days after were hell for Xiao Jie and his fellow brothers.

Yi-ge had came back looking worse for wear, and they were fully expecting
Yi-ge to take things out on them. But he only disappeared into his loft. He
didn’t appear the next day. Nor the day after. The brothers had taken to
leaving food outside his door but even those were left untouched.

Yi-ge, Xiao Jie realised, was moping.

This Yi-ge was scarier than any other Yi-ge he had seen. This Yi-ge worried
him. Xiao Jie didn’t know what to do, it was out of his depth. The Yi-ge he
knew was always strong. The remnants of Zhang Teng’s gang were still
about, and the brothers needed the strong Yi-ge back. To lead the brothers
in the event of an attack.

Xiao Jie hated it, but he needed to do something. With Ai Di ge gone, he was
now the second-in-command. He had a duty towards his brothers.

Knocking on Yi-ge’s door and receiving no response, Xiao Jie barged into the
room. Only to find Chen Yi laying pathetically in bed, staring blankly at the
ceiling. This angered Xiao Jie. The brothers had spent the last 3 days
worrying about this bastard but here he was, alive and well, and he wouldn’t
even deign to give them a response, if at least to let them know that he was
still alive!

“Get up.”

“Fuck off.”

“You can mope all you want later. We still need to deal with Zhang Teng’s
gang.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Xiao Jie was getting really angry. Disregarding that Yi-ge was his superior, he
grabbed him by his collar and yelled. “The fuck you mean doesn’t matter?!
What about the brothers we had to bury?! They don’t matter?! If you want to
die, die alone! Don’t drag us down with you!”

Chen Yi gave no response.

“And what would Ai Di ge say if he saw you like this? You’re being pathetic!
Even more so than when you were crying about the boss. If I were him, I
wouldn’t want you anymore! And to think that he pined after you for so
long!” Xiao Jie was at his wit’s end. He was talking out of his ass at this point
but nothing was getting through!

“Fuck you Chen Yi! See if we care about you anymore. Until you get the fuck
back up you’re not our leader anymore!” Xiao Jie could only hope that empty
threats would work.

Seeing the Xiao Jie who usually cowed in front of him valiantly attempting to
knock some sense into his thick skull somehow got him out of his own head.
Xiao Jie was right. He was pathetic. His subordinates’ lives were at stake; they
were more important than his moping. And Ai Di. He’s already lost him. He
knows now how his worst nightmare looks like, feels like. He was in
unbearable pain but he would survive it; he had to, as recompense for all the
hurt he put Ai Di through. It didn’t matter if Ai Di no longer wanted him. He
deserved it. But he will not let Ai Di slip through his fingers a second time.
He didn’t mind how long he would have to pine after his love, he would get
him back.

By sheer force of will, Chen Yi pulled himself together.

The next time Chen Yi saw Xiao Jie, the man had returned to his usual
cowering. Chen Yi gave him the stink eye, before smacking him upside the
head and uttering a small “thanks”. Xiao Jie was relieved. The usual Yi-ge was
back.

Chen Yi had expected it but rejection still stung. Ai Di refused his conjugal
visits. He had tried repeatedly and was planning to continue to do so until
Xiao Jie suggested writing letters. It wasn’t a bad idea.
So Chen Yi wrote. He asked what the fuck Ai Di had been thinking. He asked
if their last night had meant anything. He asked where they stood with each
other. He asked how he was doing, how Bai Zong Yi was doing. He hoped Ai
Di was well.

He confessed his sins.

He wrote of his longings, of his regrets, of his guilt.

He sought forgiveness.

He didn’t receive replies to any of his letters; he didn't expect to. Knowing Ai
Di, he probably didn’t open them at all.

But it was okay. Writing the letters had helped him to sort out his emotions
and hardened his resolve. He no longer sent any. His mind was made up.

Once Ai Di was released, he best be prepared. Chen Yi was going to woo his
pants off.

As he started up his Audi, there was only conviction burning in his eyes.

Ai Di. I’m coming for you.

 Tainted shards 2
It wasn’t for the first time during the past, insane week, Ai Di was wondering
how the fuck he’d ended up like this.
How the fuck THEY had ended up like this.

Even if he’d wanted to change anything and leave now - and his resolve had
been burst like a bubble - he wouldn’t be able to move at all.
Chen Yi was so efficiently wrapped around him, there was no escape. And
from his week-long experience of “one more”s, he knew there would be none
until the next morning. No chance to get away until Chen Yi was awake again
and until he’d finally decide to let go.

And Ai Di had tried, but it was futile to fight.

Really, he should just accept his fate and settle in to enjoy.

After all, it felt as if Chen Yi had decided, after Ai Di leaving him alone four
years prior, he wouldn’t let him out of his sight again. And Ai Di had to admit
his measures were shockingly effective. To be fair, Ai Di felt unfairly weak
against this man after all those years and all those efforts to get over him.

Ai Di stared shamelessly at the face of the man he’d loved too long to count.
Chen Yi’s face was more relaxed than Ai Di ever saw it during the day and he
considered calling him content. The sight of the soft hair falling into the
beloved face, lips slightly parted to release a tiny snore and crinkles around
the well known eyes both healed and broke Ai Di’s heart.

What luck he got the chance to see it.

What hell that it was all just for fun. That Chen Yi didn’t feel the same as Ai
Di, still. Even after a week full of heated sex, of Chen Yi being unable to keep
his hands off of him.

Had Ai Di, while trying to make one last and lost memory, accidentally
corrupted the man? Had he made him addicted to Ai Di? And therefore
doomed himself?
He’d even asked the man once, half serious and half as a joke.

It had been the third or fourth day and Chen Yi hadn’t even been able to wait
till all his underlings had been out of his sight before he’d pushed Ai Di into
the sofa, his fierce heat overwhelming.

One hand at Chen Yi’s shoulder, Ai Di had barely held up the pretence of
indifference.
“What?”, He’d tried to laugh but the chuckle came out like a dry choke, “You
can’t get enough of me?”

Chen Yi was already kissing his way down Ai Di’s throat, his hot breath
trailing across his skin, each touch like a stigma.

“No.”

The word got bitten into him and Ai Di closed his eyes in an effort to keep
his control, to not let Chan Yi overrun every thought of his, every reminder
that they were nothing, less than nothing, that ...

“Sounds like you’re addicted to my dick”, he ground out, desperate now to

fight his own urges to simply let go, to ...

Chen Yi moved away but only a little, exactly far enough for his face to fill Ai
Di’s hazy vision. He was smirking and Ai Di hated him for it, for the way it
sent shivers down his spine and made the heat curl in his belly, ready to
burst.

He should have known better than to provoke the man, the recently
discovered sex addict and god. Slowly, Chen Yi leaned closer again until his
lips grazed Ai Di’s cheek and ear.

“Take a guess.”

And with that, a hand was at his pants, palming him roughly through the
denim while Chen Yi took his choker between his teeth, pulling lightly as if to
assert dominance.

Fuck it, Ai Di had thought, his hands coming up on their own, pulling at Chen
Yi in a frenzy.
Just one more time.
He’d do this just one more time, and then he’d vanish, Ai Di had promised
himself.

Now, he still lied here, buried deep in Chen Yi’s embrace, several days later.
So much for leaving and vanishing and ending this routine they’d started.
The one Chen Yi had started.

Ai Di kept himself from reaching out to touch the man’s face, his hair, the
light freckles scattered across his shoulders, the fading scars. He kept
himself from taking Chen Yi’s face between his hands and watch him for as
long as he needed to drink in every corner of his face. To kiss him until
neither could remember their names anymore. Until Chen Yi would finally see
him and no one else.

Knowing it was his own fault that his heartstrings were being pulled violently
right now, Ai Di still couldn’t look away, too desperate to remember the
sight. Just in case this would truly be the last time. Just in case, Chen Yi
would suddenly be bored and remember to stop. Just in case their boss
would finally see what he was missing. Just in case.

“Don’t you dare ...”

The whispered words were rather felt than heard and goosebumps travelled
across Ai Di’s skin with the speed of light.

“What do you mean?”, He asked, his face heating up. And Chen Yi wasn’t
even looking at him yet, his eyes still peacefully closed and his grip on Ai Di
still tight.

“Don’t try to sneak out.”

“I didn’t plan to.”

Which was the truth. Ai Di had tried it often enough to know it was futile.

“Good.”

Chen Yi finally cracked an eye open and stared up at Ai Di with an unreadable

expression on his face. One that made Ai Di nervous and excited, torn into
every direction.

“But I need to take a piss”, Ai Di honestly said and Chen Yi squinted at him.

“What?”, Ai Di tried a rough laugh, his voice still troubled from sleep and last
night’s exercise, “Are you going to follow me to the toilet, too?”

For a second, Chen Yi truly looked as if he was planning exactly that,

reminding Ai Di of the danger of provoking the man. Or giving him
unnecessary ideas.

‘I am easy, I just want to have some fun’, he’d said, trying to push Chen Yi
away last week. Unknowingly, like a fool, he’d not only dug his own grave
with this but had slammed face first into it.

Now here he was, with no idea how to get out of the fun Chen Yi wanted, in a
way, Ai Di had never dared to expect. And he’d never thought it would come
to be one he’d fear, knowing that they weren’t feeling the same.
When Ai Di came back from the toilet, Chen Yi was waiting for him with a
hawk’s gaze, eyes pinned on him during each and every moment as if Ai Di
might still run away.

Faking nonchalance, Ai Di rolled his eyes as he came closer, the shivers never
stopping.

“Chill out, I am back.”

With a quick pull, Chen Yi grabbed his wrist and brought him down on the
mattress, his now familiar weight settling onto Ai Di’s body.
Once this was all over, he’d have a hard time getting rid of the memory, he
knew.

Nosing at his throat and behind his ear, Chen Yi muttered something similar
to “You better be” before biting the junction between Ai Di’s neck and
shoulder, unleashing a little cry from his lips.

A soothing but never sorry tongue cooled the bite and Ai Di never wanted to
leave but needed to vanish desperately.

Somehow Chen Yi’s favourite spot for hickeys was around his throat and
collar bones, a spot he’d see each time he was putting on another collar. Like
a sign. A mark.

Ai Di’s hand were at Chen Yi’s shoulders already, keeping him close,
exploring the muscles, the strength the man was storing in his body.

“They will see”, he mumbled absentmindedly as Chen Yi added another bite

and the man above him suddenly tensed up and leaned back, just enough to
look at him. When had he forgotten the concept of personal space, Ai Di
wondered, knowing well enough that they had never had one around each
other.

“Who?”

“What?”

Ai Di’s brain didn’t seem to catch on. Instead it was still focused on the
crease between Chen Yi’s eyebrows.

“Who are you worried about?”

Everyone.
No one.
He would have loved to show himself off, to show the marks of their
meetings but he hated them as well. Other knowing now meant they would
also know when it ended, when Chen Yi finally moved on.

Ai Di swallowed and stared up at the man who was adamant to look into his
soul.

“Xiao Jie?”, Chen Yi seemed as if he was waiting for a reaction but Ai Di could
be nothing but puzzled?

“What? Why?”
Xiao Jie had been scattering away from him with light speed ever since he
was out of prison. Why would the man care?

“Or the guy from last week?”

“Which one?”

He could see the change in Chen Yi’s eyes, the sudden switch from
annoyance to anger like a whiplash. A rough hand cupped his chin and
forced him to look upwards into an equally rough kiss.

Ai Di didn’t mind but craved it, kissing back with every burning fibre.

“Do you kiss them like that, too?”

The question was another slap and Ai Di froze up for a second, his mind
reeling. He knew who Chen Yi was talking about, finally, but his mind refused
to understand why the man should care. Why he would care. But he did,
didn’t he? Otherwise he wouldn’t have pulled Ai Di from every single
encounter he’d had this past week. Each time he’d tried to prove to Chen Yi,
that he indeed didn’t care about who it was, that he only wanted fun and sex
and ...

“Look at me”, Chen Yi ordered suddenly, as if he’d realised where Ai Di’s

thoughts had travelled, to.

He’d probably meant his voice to be stern, but despite the anger in his eyes,
his voice was wavering, hoarse as if he’d screamed too much. And it touched
one of those many, special places, which were reserved for and by Chen Yi in
Ai Di’s heart and mind, his body as a whole.

He’d tried to get rid of it, of the influence the man had over him, during
those past four years. To protect Chen Yi but also to protect himself. He’d
known that he’d broken something fundamentally when they’d had sex with
Chen Yi drunk and that they’d never be able to go back.

He’d tried and he’d failed, crying over it more than once, despite the
familiarity of the heartbreak. There he’d been, thinking he was too used to it
to feel the pain, and he’d been wrong.
Chen Yi still could hurt him, even if he didn’t mean to, even if he didn’t plan
to. And there could have been nothing worse than for Chen Yi to remember
the night and still demand Ai Di’s attention, to still pull him close.
Because Ai Di yearned for nothing the way he yearned to be in Chen Yi’s
arms again.

“I am looking at you”, Ai Di finally replied, his heart bursting like a firework

gone wrong and his voice equally husky, unstable, “I do.”

Another kiss, gentler this time but no less desperate.

“Keep looking”, demanding hands roamed his body, pulled his hair and Ai Di
followed willingly, “Until you see no one else.”

Two weeks and counting, Ai Di realised as he walked into Chen Yi’s room.
Willingly.
And before Chen Yi was even back.

It had taken an embarrassingly short time for Ai Di to become conditioned

like this. For him to go over each night, to meet Chen Yi and have sex with
him. He didn’t try to flirt with others any longer, at least not properly, never
with any serious intention. Only sometimes, when he was especially annoyed
at Chen Yi or when he wanted him heated and furious and rough.

Yes, he’d given up running away.

Yes, he’d accepted his fate, had decided to make the best of it.
Until Chen Yi would have a change of heart, until he’d remember that he
didn’t like Ai Di like that.
Or until he finally did.

The idea of Chen Yi eventually falling for him, made his heart race like a
Podracer. There was also the guilt glued to his chest, the fear that he’d
manipulated the man into liking him, that it would never be real love, that ...
With a groan, Ai Di let himself drop to the bed, his annoyance at himself too
big to cover up.

Couldn’t he just enjoy what he had? Did those years of unresolved tension
and love still play such a big part in his love? But of course they would and
Bai Zong Yi had said as much when Ai Di had come running with a whine.

Why did it have to be complicated? Why did he still have to be so worried, so

afraid and full of a pain which had lasted a lifetime already. Why couldn’t
they just fuck and live their lives? Why ...

Kicking his shoes off, Ai Di crawled beneath the blanket, suddenly tired of his
own thoughts. Whatever Chen Yi was doing, he’d be home soon. He had
been, punctual like clockwork for the past two weeks and Ai Di trusted that it
would be the same today. He could take a nap, tired of a busy day at the bar
and hopefully, he’d be able to face his own problems and the man
responsible for them with a bit more calm later. And maybe, Chen Yi would
finally see and understand and they would finally be able to move on.
Finally ...

The next time Ai Di opened his eyes, he felt as if he’d been run over by a
truck. And not a small one but one of those American ones, big enough to
tear down a house.
He must have fallen deep asleep to get to that state, which either meant a
century had passed or at least an hour.

A weird noise made him look up and turn towards the door where Chen Yi
was standing, his bodyweight supported by the doorframe as he stared at Ai
Di with blank eyes.

“Chen Yi?”, Ai Di sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, his brain still trying to
catch up, “Are you okay?”

Chen Yi made something between a nod and a shake and sudden worry woke
Ai Di up even more. There was a sluggishness to Chen Yi, a weird tick to his
movement, although he was only standing right now. He shuffled to the edge
of the bed, eyes now fixed on the man.

“Are you drunk?”

They hadn’t promised to meet, but with the way the last two weeks had
gone, Ai Di had simply believed them to do. Had he misunderstood? Had
Chen Yi gone out to drink? Had he ...

“No.”
The word was said quietly but firmly and Chen Yi didn’t even sound drunk.
Still, Ai Di finally got up and went to Chen Yi’s side, ready to help in any way
he could. Chen Yi’s stare followed him, his gaze unreadable.

“Are you hurt?”

Another shake but the hint of a smile could be seen and Chen Yi lifted one of
his hands to Ai Di’s cheek. He let it rest there, thumb grazing his skin in a
tender way.

“You’re home”, Chen Yi said in a low voice and as if he couldn’t actually

believe it, “You waited?”

Instinctively and dumbfounded, Ai Di nodded, unsure how to deal with this

new kind of nervousness rushing through his body, the way the hair at his
neck seemed to turn into spikes.

Chen Yi released a sigh and seemed to slump against the wall even further.
Automatically, Ai Di reached out to hold him, to support him, even though he
knew he could never carry him properly. Not the way Chen Yi did it to him
constantly.

“What happened?”, He asked, now close enough to feel the heat and smell the
sweat.

“A little trouble”, Chen Yi sighed again and closed his eyes for a second
before leaning onto Ai Di, “Wasn’t sure if you’d still be here. I thought I was
too late.”

The words were the most vicious stabs to Ai Di’s heart, the following shudder
so overwhelming, he had to take a moment to collect himself. Did Chen Yi
even realise what he was doing to him?

Ai Di took another, long look at the man, his tired slump, the tiny smile, the
ruffled hair and what would probably become a painful bruise around his
right eye.
There was no way around it, he thought, swallowing the lump which had
formed in his throat.
He was Chen Yi’s, whether the man wanted him or not and he’d stay, right by
the man’s side, as long as he was allowed to. This was it, truly, this was the
moment of no return.

Shaking to the bone, Ai Di released a soft huff and got a better grip on Chen
Yi’s waist, ready to shoulder it all.
“You can’t be too late”, he mumbled as he dragged the man forward to bed,
“I am not going anywhere.”

Chen Yi didn’t reply but his grip on Ai Di’s shoulder tightened and it was
enough. It had to be enough, for now, maybe even forever.

Slowly, Ai Di helped him change, helped him wash up which was when he
found more bruises, some still red, others already blue. It was an intimacy he
knew from old times, when they had cared regularly for each other like this.
But the old ritual had gotten a new twist and Ai Di couldn’t but take each
step with an almost religious devotion.

He’d always been one ready to fight any god, but with Chen Yi, he was ready
to get to his knees and pray.

There wouldn’t be any sex tonight, Chen Yi clearly too tired and beaten for it
and Ai Di too focused on caring for the man and it didn’t matter. It didn’t
matter tonight although it had been the one thing they had met up for during
the past weeks. It didn’t matter because when Chen Yi was finally clean and
ready to sleep, he tried to reach out to Ai Di, his eyes barely open and his
voice so sluggish, Ai Di could only guess his words.

“Soon”, he said calmly, pressing Chen Yi’s fingers softly before releasing
them again, “I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Carefully, he folded Chen Yi’s clothes to put them aside. A weird lump in the
well known leather jacket made him stop though and with a short side glance
towards the fast asleep man on the bed, curiosity got the better of him.

When he pulled his hand out again, he looked at what seemed to be a brand
new collar out of satin and a piece of old, worn out paper which had been
folded too much. Suddenly, it felt almost painful to even swallow. What ...

Carefully, he lifted the choker, felt the soft fabric and stared at the tiny, shiny
stone in the middle. Could this be for him? Or had Chen Yi developed his
own taste for chokers like that? Had he met someone else who wore them?
Had ...

With trembling fingers, he opened the folded piece of paper and stared at
what he hadn’t dare to expect: his own handwriting.

‘I am done playing. Bye!’

It was as if someone had sucked all the air out of the room and Ai Di felt
light headed suddenly, desperate in need to hold on to something, to
someone. The lump in his throat seemed to grow even more as he turned
back to look at Chen Yi once more, who still had his arm stretched across the
mattress into his direction.

For four years, Chen Yi had kept the note.

For four years, he’d hidden it close to his heart.
For four years ...

Holding back a choke, Ai Di rushed back to bed, put the treasure he’d found
on the side table and shuffled under the blanket, right into Chen Yi’s waiting
arms. Although the man was fast asleep, he engulfed Ai Di in a crushing hug
in seconds. As if he’d been afraid that Ai Di wouldn’t come back. As if he’d
been waiting. As if ...

Ai Di cried the way he’d cried four years ago, confusing pain and yearning
mixed together as he for once let himself sink into the offered embrace. His
regrets were old only, aimed at years prior, his former self. And he held on,
with no intention of ever letting go.

When Chen Yi awoke with a massive headache, it was already bright in his
room, the sunlight palpable. His whole body was hurting but it didn’t matter
because he was hugging Ai Di.
This was his first thought and Chen Yi felt a wave of relief wash through his
body.

The night before, when he’d been forced to deal with those damn intruders,
he’d hated each of them for making him late, for potentially making him
miss Ai Di, who he’d so desperately tried to keep busy and away from other
men for two weeks straight. He’d feared that he’d failed but to know that Ai
Di had still come and waited, had made his heart turn into a giddy, dancing
mess. Last night and this morning, again.

It took a few moments though, till he realised he was hugging Ai Di’s legs
and lap because the man was already sitting up. Opposite to so many nights
prior, he seemed calm though, his body less tense and for once not about to
flee. Chen Yi barely dared to think he felt almost content, at least from his
perspective.
Although he felt hesitant to move from his position, Chen Yi cracked an eye
open and looked up to the man who was sitting calmly, his phone in his hand
and apparently not opposed to having Chen Yi curled around him like an
octopus.

The movement made Ai Di lower his phone though to catch Chen Yi’s eyes.
One of his hands came up as he started to show a tiny, nervous smile and
slowly ruffled his hair. Chen Yi’s eyes widened as he took in the sight above,
a familiar satin choker around Ai Di’s. He was sure, at least for a second, that
his heart had stopped and he could do nothing but stare.

“Good morning”, Ai Di mumbled and Chen Yi could have sworn the body
beneath him was heating up. Which meant that Ai Di knew what he was
doing. Specifically what he was doing to Chen Yi.

“You ...”, he choked on those words, his mind still reeling.

“You like it?”

Dumbfounded, Chen Yi nodded and lifted a hand to touch fabric, to brush

against the skin beneath it and next to it, against the hickeys he’d left
around it, fresh and fading.

“I like it, too”, Ai Di admitted and Chen Yi felt his heart curl into the tightest
possible ball.

He’d bought the choker while Ai Di had been in prison, the urge to keep
something which reminded him of the man, his partner, his failed lover,
overwhelming. He’d needed something to touch. Something different than
the note he’d kept close to his heart, something which helped scratching the
weird itch in his chest and mind, the one he couldn’t understand but didn’t
want to let go of.

“It’s yours”, Chen Yi admitted, choking on his own words, the spilling
honesty, “It always has been.”

The following crooked smile tore his heart open, made it explode once more
and Chen Yi, despite still feeling like roadkill, pulled Ai Di down the next
second, their lips and teeth clashing painfully. Neither backtracked as they
continued to kiss, hands urgent and pulling, bodies and minds needy.

“Keep looking”, Chen Yi begged when he went down on Ai Di, too hasty and
not fast enough, desperate to feel the weight of Ai Di’s dick on his tongue
again, to drown in his taste, his scent.
Trembling fingers ran across his hair, along his cheeks and Ai Di’s eyes felt
like a bottomless sea as he watched.

“I will”, he promised with his moans, his touches, and his words, driving
Chen Yi feral.

“Stay”, he begged, when Ai Di came inside of him, face buried against his
shoulder and Chen Yi’s body burned from inside out. He’d come already,
minutes ago or seconds or hours, but he refused to let go. And Ai Di stayed,
the constant pressure inside of Chen Yi reminding him that this was real.

As they both calmed down, they exchanged tiny, peppered kisses, calmer
now but no less meaningful.

‘I’ve missed you’, Chen Yi thought as he let his hands wander across Ai Di’s
naked and hot skin, as he felt his muscles move beneath, as he explored his
back, and squeezed his ass.

“Would ...”, Ai Di swallowed a little, apparently nervous again although he

was still buried balls-deep in Chen Yi, “Would you like to change position?”

Chen Yi blinked, surprised by the question.

After a moment of consideration, which seemed to drive Ai Di almost crazy,

he finally answered, his fingers running soothing circles across Ai Di’s back.

“Yes. I mean one day, maybe. But not now.”

Nervousness got mixed with curiosity and Ai Di wiggled a little to make Chen
Yi squirm and tense up.

“What do you mean?”

Both of Chen Yi’s hands came back up to cup Ai Di’s cheeks, to pull him
close enough for a smiling kiss.

“Because”, he huffed between kisses and little moans, bubbles of happiness,

“For now I like to feel my man under my skin. And to keep you there.”

If Ai Di had been a candle, he’d become wax under his hands, Chen Yi was
sure as he stared into wide eyes and felt the man lose and regain all tension
in his body with only seconds apart.

“You ...”, Ai Di started weakly and Chen Yi enjoyed how overwhelmed he

seemed. With a grin, he took the opportunity to kiss him one time out of
many, firmly on his lips.
“Also”, he continued, pulling Ai Di closer again, “It is too much fun to stop.”

“You!”

The reaction was instant and Ai Di’s bite to Chen Yi’s nipple painful in the
best of ways. And as his man slowly started to fuck into him again, Chen Yi
let him take over.
The lead.
And his whole being.
His life.

“I’ll kill you if you dare to let go”, Ai Di breathed, the cold metal of his
necklace against Chen Yi’s chest as he marked him for a change, finally.
Another bruise with a different story.

“Never again”, Chen Yi heaved, “But don’t you dare to take your eyes off of
me.”

There was a familiar wetness against his cheek and Chen Yi brushed away
the tears as tenderly as he could. He caught them like falling treasures, with
his fingers, his lips, tracing their paths until he was kissing Ai Di’s temple.

Ai Di was crying again.

He was crying and he was smiling and Chen Yi’s heart lurched up in his
chest, a small firework gone right.

It was a promise. For both of them. By both of them.

And Chen Yi was determined to keep it.

The End
 And Though You Share My
Indiscretions, You Barely See Me Now

Chapter 1
Chapter Text

Ai Di leans his cheek on his palm, elbow on the stained wooden bar, as he
watches Chen Yi make his way towards him. He lets his eyes travel Chen Yi's
body, taking him in; the tight black jeans, well worn leather over top a white
tee and crimson hooded jacket, combat boots loosely laced. He's so
incredibly handsome. Even with that look on his face, the disappointment
compounded by exasperation. Ai Di can't look away. Even though his heart
bleeds at being the recipient of that ire, his eyes are fixed on the man he
loves. And at least like this Chen Yi sees him, is looking at him, hasn't
stopped looking at him since he walked through the door. Ai Di blinks
slowly, the alcohol in his system slowing his reaction time and warming him
from the inside.

Why is he even here? It's not like he cares in any way that matters. Who does
he think he is?

His contemplation impels his lust to form a steel edge, his desperation and
unrequited love are open festering wounds in his chest. He opens his eyes.

"No" be says, holding up his hand, palm facing outward in a halting motion,
before Chen Yi can haul him from the bar stool.

Chen Yi scowls and stops short, "Ai Di, don't be so stubborn. You're already
drunk-".

"Ah-ah" Ai Di waggles his finger in mock chastisement, cutting Chen Yi off

mid-sentence, "wrong. When I finish this, I'll be drunk" he says, holding up
the nearly empty bottle and tilting it from side to side, the other hand still
holding up his own head.

Chen Yi clicks his tongue in displeasure, "finish the bottle another day, I'll
take you home".

Ai Di scoffs a laugh and closes his eyes, "I'm not ready to go home" he pouts.

And he's not. He's not ready to lie awake in his bed, restlessly staring up at
the plain white ceiling, stuck in his head again. He doesn't want to be tossing
and turning aching for a different life, some alternate universe where he's a
lover instead of an annoying little brother.

"Ai Di", Chen Yi admonishes.

Ai Di opens his eyes and glares at him, "I'm not leaving, you'll have to drag
me out" he says, petulance lacing his tone.

"You think I won't?" Chen Yi says, hands on his hips in a no nonsense stance.

Ai Di just laughs and his eyelids fall closed again. He recognises when he's
pulled down from where he sits, strong arms wrapped around him, a familiar
smell coating his senses. He pushes into it, desperate to keep Chen Yi close,
desperate to smell Chen Yi on his clothes after.

Chen Yi pulls Ai Di's arm around his shoulders, holding his wrist, his other
hand wrapping around Ai Di's waist. His grip is firm and warm, making Ai Di
feel grounded and like he might float away all at the same time, so he latches
his fingers around the wrist of the hand that holds his own.

When they finally shuffle their way to the car Chen Yi opens up the passenger
side door and folds Ai Di inside, cushioning the top of his head with his hand
to protect it from the door frame. He leans in over Ai Di to fasten the seat
belt, then he's pulling back and slamming the door.

The journey is quiet, with not even the sound of the radio, as Chen Yi stews
in whatever madness he has concocted for himself. Ai Di hates it. Hates all of
it. Hates that he loves him, hates that he needs to drink to get some relief,
hates that the drink isn't enough.

Four years he had loved him. Four years he had watched him love someone
else.

Eventually they arrive back to their living quarters and Chen Yi rounds the car
to help Ai Di out, but Ai Di is already spilling from the open door and
laughing at his own clumsiness.

"Ai-" Chen Yi huffs his name on a laugh whilst pulling Ai Di to his feet,
pressing their bodies together. Ai Di rests his forehead against Chen Yi's
chest with a laugh, Chen Yi's arms around his back, his hand gripping Ai Di's
waist. He breathes him in, wants to turn his head and suck a kiss into his
neck. He shouldn't. He knows he shouldn't.
"Come on" Chen Yi prompts, patting at Ai Di's waist and moving him
backwards towards the stairwell. Ai Di turns in his arms and clings to the
handrail as he makes his way up to his room.

Chen Yi helps him inside and leans Ai Di against the wall opposite the bed so
he can pull back the duvet cover.

"You should wash up and get changed. You'll regret it if you don't" he says
whilst pulling some pyjamas out from the chest of drawers.

"Why are you here?" Ai Di asks, his white and red chequered cardigan
hanging down off one shoulder.

Chen Yi frowns, "what do you mean?" He replies whilst moving closer.

"Why are you here?" He asks, raising his voice though he knows he doesn't
need to. "The boss doesn't have a job for you? Shouldn't you be kneeling at
his feet, showing him how much you love him?" He taunts, poking his tongue
into the inside of his cheek to emphasise the intended innuendo.

Chen Yi slams his hand against the wall to the side of Ai Di's head, close
enough that he feels the displaced air ruffle the hair at his nape, making him
startle.

Ai Di laughs scornfully, "don't get mad, you coward".

"Enough!" Chen Yi demands whilst striking the wall again, before turning to
storm from the room, taking his warmth and slamming the door behind him.

Ai Di drops his head back against the wall with a thud. "Fuck", he whispers
and angrily swipes a tear from his cheek.

Chapter 2
His shaking hands are stained burgundy, still tacky with blood. He brushes
the backs of his fingers over his face where more blood dries in long drips
down his cheek, itching his skin, crimson now smeared in a mock blush.

He turns to the mirror, laughing at what he sees there. Grinning to get a

better look at his teeth painted red. Chen Yi moves behind him, the
movement catching his eye in the mirror. Concern is etched on his face as he
gathers a first aid kit from one of the lockers.

"Come here, sit. Quickly" he demands, motioning to the bench in the middle
of the dank locker room.
Ai Di watches him through the glass, watches his jaw clench and unclench,
before moving across the room to join him. Though he stands in front of
him, rather than sits.

"I'm fine. It's just a few cuts and bruises" Ai Di says, attempting to placate
him.

It only serves to make Chen Yi more angry, his nostrils flaring as he starts
pulling Ai Di's ruined jacket from his arms, "it could have been a lot worse
than that. Do you have to be so goddamn reckless?"

Ai Di laughs again, though his teeth have begun to chatter now the
adrenaline is draining from his body, "should I change who I am? Would it
please you?"

Chen Yi tosses Ai Di's jacket onto the tiled floor, then moves to tug off his
white t-shirt, now pink with the mix of blood and sweat.

Ai Di doesn't stop him. He lets Chen Yi take care of him, let's Chen Yi's hands
touch him, let's himself feel loved.

"I like who you are" Chen Yi murmurs quietly, as he pushes Ai Di's hair back
slightly to get a look at his gradually swelling eye.

"Huh?" Ai Di replies, confusion laced through the small noise.

Chen Yi looks him in the eyes, "sit down" he says.

Ai Di searches his gaze and eventually drops himself down onto the metal
bench with a huff, only to wince grabbing a hand at the bruise on his
ribcage, already blackening.

Chen Yi grimaces and moves his hands gently to Ai Di's side, "let me see" he
says, his voice soothing.

Ai Di doesn't move his hand, "don't touch, it's tender".

"Mm" Chen Yi hums in agreement, and Ai Di shifts his hand, closing his
fingers into a fist and resting it on his thigh.

Chen Yi clicks his tongue, "you should have waited for me" he chastises,
looking up at Ai Di from his crouched position in front of him.

Ai Di smirks, "but I knew you'd come" he says, wanting to believe in that

more than anything.
 Chapter 3
He's drunk again. Drunk and pathetic. And though he is surrounded by
people, he is alone.

Across the room Chen Yi is lit up, talking and laughing with some of the guys
from their gang. He's ebullient and animated, happy in a way Ai Di could
never even dream of making him.

Their meeting with the boss earlier must have really cheered him up, though
Ai Di can't imagine why. He supposes that's what being in love is, your mood
affected dramatically by just a glimpse of the one you desire.

He sighs and pours himself another shot, downing it. He's pouring another
straight after, when someone sits at the table on the stool opposite him.

"Don't bother talking to me. I'm drinking alone" he says, without looking at
whomever now sits there in front of him.

There's a laugh then, which has Ai Di snapping his eyes up to a face he

doesn't recognise.

The stranger is a little shorter than Chen Yi, slimmer, less muscle, but
handsome enough and kind looking. He wears blue jeans, and a chequered
shirt, unbuttoned, to reveal sharp collarbones and smooth, tawny skin.

"Quite the first impression" the stranger teases.

Ai Di scoffs, "what can I say?" He jokes back, idiomatic, downing his shot.

"Can I join you?" The stranger asks.

"Didn't you already?" Ai Di motions with his hand to the stranger, already
sitting there, uninvited.

The stranger sniggers, "I suppose so. I'm Jianguo" he says, holding his hand
out between them.

Ai Di nods, chancing a glance over to Chen Yi who still enjoys himself,

ordering another drink at the bar. Without Ai Di.

Fine, okay. Hello, then, Jianguo.

"Ai Di" he says, meeting Jianguo's hand with his own and shaking lazily.
The subsequent conversation flows easily, as does the liquor from Ai Di's
glass. Until, eventually, Ai Di's eyes find Chen Yi again. Their gazes meeting
across the room this time, before Ai Di looks back to Jianguo with a smile.

Not a minute later, Chen Yi is slouching over Ai Di, arm around his
shoulders, hand dangling down over his chest, faces close enough to touch.

"Who's your friend?" He asks, a pleasant slur in his voice, the warmth of his
body compounded by the alcohol he's been drinking all night.

He cannot even begin to describe the elation, the sheer joy, at having Chen Yi
so close, at the thought of Chen Yi searching him out. The sick satisfaction
of having been able to draw Chen Yi's attention, entice him over, in a room
full of people.

He turns his head to look at Chen Yi, grin on his face, but, to his dismay,
Chen Yi's eyes aren't on him. They're on Jianguo. Ai Di has never hated
anyone more. He hates Jianguo. He hates Chen Yi. So, he looks back to
Jianguo, who only has eyes for him, and smiles.

"This is Jianguo" he says, and Jianguo politely offers his hand for Chen Yi to
shake.

He doesn't. He angles his head to look at Ai Di and, when Ai Di turns his gaze
to his, he's stroking Ai Di's hair back from his face with a laugh. "Let's get out
of here" he says, drunken smile aimed only at Ai Di.

Yeah, he thinks, let's get out of here.

Chapter 4
Ai Di sits on the rooftop of their building, cigarette in hand, legs dangling
precariously over the edge of the 30ft drop. The arrises of the bricks digging
into his thighs, frigid cold, even through his jeans.

The atmosphere is dense, heavy and humid with the need for rain. The dusky
sky above is darkening. Grey, with purple and pinks limning the clouds,
giving way to a sticky, airless night.

Birds swirl through the sky, making their way home to roost. Home, he
thinks, what an odd concept. Thrown together by mere circumstance, by
either lust or love, or something more sinister, and forced by societal norms
into cohabitation.
His mother, a beautiful but ill tempered woman, was never really quite
maternal, had never loved him, not really. When he was a baby, a brand new
shining possession, she could show him off to anyone who would listen. He
was important to her. But it wasn't love. Love is unconditional, love is
affection and benevolence. No, his mother never loved him, he knows that.

And Chen Yi? Well, Chen Yi loves someone else. Loves their boss with his
whole heart, none of it left for Ai Di. Not one sliver or slice. Not one piece.
And, well, he can't really blame Chen Yi, can he? What could Ai Di possibly
offer him? Other than this despairing, miserable love, what does he have?
What is Ai Di worth?

He hears the clunk of the stairwell door being pushed open, and the
footsteps that move towards him, breaking him from his ruminations.

Chen Yi, he thinks.

He knows him even in this. Even when blindfolded, even with his ears
covered and his hands tied. Take away any sense and the others would seek
him out. His smell, the feel of his skin, his warmth, his laugh, his smile,
those eyes that swallow Ai Di whole despite barely sparing him a glance.

"What are you doing out here by yourself?" Chen Yi asks, his fear of heights
evident in the way he's standing well back from the boundary.

Ai Di smiles to himself. Does the boss know him inside and out, like Ai Di
does? Does the boss know his likes and dislikes, his favourite food, the way
he takes his coffee?

Chen Yi probably knows those things about their boss, Ai Di thinks, mood
souring even more. He probably has each part of him memorised, every last
inch. Every conversation they've ever had, catalogued and stored in Chen Yi's
mind.

"Just having a smoke" Ai Di replies, nonchalant, not turning to look. He can't

right now, can't see Chen Yi's face and not kiss him. Can't look into Chen Yi's
eyes without a confession bubbling up from within him, an admission of his
utter devotion.

So, he stares out into the dim and shadowed distance, trying to discern how
far the low light will let his vision travel out past the property line, so as not
to focus solely on Chen Yi. On his proximity, his propinquity, the solicitude
in his voice.
The rubber soles of Chen Yi's boots scrape along the concrete floor as he
inches closer, pushing the limits of his terror.

Ai Di chuckles and turns then, looking up at Chen Yi. His face is ghost pale,
knuckles white in clenched fists and a thin sheen of sweat has formed over
his golden skin.

Ai Di laughs again, "I won't carry you down when you faint, you know? I'll
leave you up here to get devoured by the mosquitoes" he says, jumping up
from the wall.

Chen Yi darts his hands out as if to catch him, and Ai Di's heart leaps in his
chest, then he backs off as Ai Di walks towards him, away from the edge.

"Come back inside" he says, when Ai Di has moved closer, slinging his arm
around Ai Di's shoulders easily. Ai Di wants to lean into the hold, wants to let
the heat of Chen Yi's body envelop him, let his scent take over his senses
until there's only him.

He doesn't. He steps away, moves to pull the fire escape door open and
makes his way back down into the belly of the building.

Chapter 5
They sneak around the red brick building, Chen Yi leading with Ai Di at his
back. Their other men are doing the same around the far side, preventing an
escape by the man they're here to apprehend.

The boss had ordered that they search for a guy named Wei Qi. A guy who
had apparently made some big mistakes in his life, very big mistakes if they
have him ending up on the boss's shit list.

Ai Di hopes their informant gave them good information, and they're not just
waltzing right into an ambush set up by a rival gang, right now.

They make their way up the cast iron stairs that have them traveling up the
side of the building, their second group of guys following after them. When
they reach a door at the top, Chen Yi glances round at Ai Di, arm held out
protectively as he strikes the door with his foot. It swings open, slamming
against the wall behind it, the handle breaking through the plaster, a loud
creak screaming out from the straining hinges.

Wei Qi springs up from the worn out couch and hurriedly makes his way
towards another door located on the other side of the bare room. Ai Di
launches himself over the couch, hand gripped to the backrest, feet landing
together on the seat cushions. Then he's jumping down onto the wooden
floor below, and sprinting after Wei Qi.

Ai Di surges forward, leaping onto Wei Qi's back, dragging him down, both of
them landing in a heap on the dusty floor. Ai Di pulls him roughly by the
collar, turning him over to face him.

"Gotcha" he laughs triumphant.

Wei Qi bucks up, displacing Ai Di and flipping him underneath him, hitting
him, closed fisted, in the jaw. Chen Yi is there then, pulling Wei Qi off of Ai
Di, chucking him across the room like discarded garbage.

Ai Di tongues the inside of his cheek, his molars having cut into the flesh
there, the ripe taste of copper filling his senses.

He lunges at Wei Qi, gripping his throat and whaling into him, hitting him as
many times as he can manage before Chen Yi is hauling him off.

"Ai Di!" Chen Yi shouts, pushing him away from another attempt at battering
into Wei Qi.

Ai Di shakes out his aching fist, "he started it" he says petulantly. A sick
satisfaction warming him from the inside when he watches Wei Qi spit out a
mouthful of sticky saliva thick with blood. Then Ai Di is leaving the building
via the stairs they used when they arrived, lighting a cigarette as he goes.

The guys manage to wrangle Wei Qi down the stairs and into the van.

Unfortunately, Wei Qi talks the whole way back. It has Ai Di pressing his
forefingers to his temple, his thumb exerting identical pressure at the other
side, wishing he could remove Wei Qi's vocal cords with some rusty pliers.

So, when they get Wei Qi back to the warehouse, and he's still talking, Ai Di
shoves a filthy cloth in his mouth, shutting him up.

Ai Di moves to the kitchenette, grabbing an ice pack from the freezer,

wrapping it in a cloth and pressing it to his rapidly swelling knuckles with a
wince.

Chen Yi watches him from the doorway, leaning on the frame there, "you
okay?"
Ai Di throws him an incredulous look, and Chen Yi holds his hands up in
surrender with a huff of a laugh, "okay, okay, you're fine. Got it" he says,
retreating and heading back out to their prisoner.

Later, when they're questioning Wei Qi, he becomes even more hostile,
threatening the lives of their gang members and even the life of their boss,
much to Chen Yi's vexation.

Wei Qi laughs, "you'll all be dead before the week is out, mark my words!"

Ai Di unsheathes a knife from the belt loop of his jeans. "Fuck you" he
seethes, lunging at him, knife in hand, a snarl forcing it's way from his
throat.

Strong arms wrap around his waist, lifting his feet from the ground making
him resort to kicking out, just missing his target. He spits then, the glob
landing with a splat on Wei Qi's cheek, a smug grin creeping its way onto Ai
Di's face.

He grabs at Chen Yi's forearms, tries to pry them from their hold around him.
Beats at them with his fists when they don't loosen their grasp.

"Let me go!" He demands, squirming against Chen Yi's hold.

"The boss wants him alive, so you can't fucking kill him!" Chen Yi replies,
exasperated.

"I won't! Let me just flay a little skin, he'll survive just fine!" He urges, as he
struggles harder against Chen Yi's grip.

Chen Yi grunts and bends forward to alleviate the weight of Ai Di in his arms,
his front pressed to Ai Di's back.

Ai Di's mind unhelpfully flashes back to a recurring dream that haunts his
restless nights. Being held like this, Chen Yi sucking kisses into his neck,
moving deep inside him, the smell of sweat and sex permeating the room…

He growls and lets his body go limp. When Chen Yi's control slackens he
swiftly jabs his elbow back, thumping him in the ribs, causing Chen Yi to
finally release him.

"Fucking bastard" Ai Di says, aimed Chen Yi's way, before storming from the
room, chucking the knife onto the table with a clatter as he goes.

Chapter 6
He groans as his phone buzzes incessantly on the pillow beside his head. He
squints one eye open against the brightness, to get a glimpse at the caller ID,
before prodding at the screen with his pointer finger.

He has no idea what time it is but the room still sits pitch black, the blue
light from his phone illuminating only his hand and the white pillowcase
below it.

"This better be life or fucking death" he grouses, after pressing the handset
to his ear, voice gravelly, still thick with sleep.

"Ai Di, could you come and get Chen Yi? He's really drunk and asking for you"
Li Jie says sheepishly. Obviously drunk, and embarrassed to be waking up Ai
Di for something as ridiculous as picking up an inebriated Chen Yi.

Li Jie has been with them for a couple of years, working mainly in collections.
He's not a bad guy, not really, but Ai Di makes it a rule to be overly cautious
about everybody.

Ai Di frowns, "huh?" He says, confusion laced through his tone, rubbing sleep
from his eye with his fist.

"Chen Yi keeps asking for you and won't get in a taxi" Li Jie laughs
awkwardly.

Ai Di sits up in the bed, duvet still covering his pyjama clad legs. "I'll be there
soon" he sighs before hanging up and tossing his phone onto the mattress.

Grumbling, he throws back the duvet, his limbs protesting as he rises from
the bed. Then he pulls on a jacket he'd left draped over the chest of drawers,
zipping it to his throat, concealing his bare chest.

He steps into a pair of slides and makes his way downstairs, grabbing a set
of car keys from the storage cabinet. Whilst walking through the space,
across the concrete floor, he activates the central locking to locate the
vehicle before pulling the driver's side door open and climbing inside. After
adjusting the seat and rear view mirror, he starts the engine and drives over
to Chen Yi's location.

Why was Chen Yi asking for him, specifically? He'd never done that before,
had he? It had Ai Di feeling smug, but apprehensive at the same time,
making his stomach flip over intermittently. It made him nauseous, it made
him felicitous, it jumbled up his thoughts into a tangled mishmash of
deranged sentiments, until eventually it just made him feel like he had a
migraine coming on.
He parks outside the bar, jumping from the car and heading inside.

Chen Yi is slumped in the corner at a table by himself, his head pillowed atop
his folded arms on its surface. Ai Di clicks his tongue and makes his way
through the small crowd of people, receiving the odd greeting as he goes.

He stands in front of Chen Yi, looking down at him. He's so handsome, even
like this, flushed pink and disheveled as he is. The corner of Ai Di's mouth
ticks up and he leans down to blow in Chen Yi's ear and whisper, "wake up,
drunkard".

Chen Yi's eyes flicker under his lids, and his eyelashes flutter, as he opens
them to look at whomever is disturbing his drunken slumber.

A slow grin spreads across his face when his eyes finally focus. Ai Di's heart
clenches and he bites the inside of his cheek, "come on, get up, I've got a car
outside for you".

Chen Yi hums in assent, but then his eyes are closing again.

Ai Di huffs a laugh, "hey, come on, you wanted me down here, I'm here" he
says, smacking at Chen Yi's cheek gently.

Eventually he gets Chen Yi to his feet, dragging him towards the exit of the
bar, Chen Yi's arm around Ai Di's shoulders. But then Chen Yi stalls, turning
and wrapping his arms around Ai Di, and pressing him into his chest. Ai Di
chokes out a laugh against him, "Chen Yi..?" He questions, disbelieving but
craving his touch all the same.

Chen Yi just holds him tightly, burrows his face into Ai Di's hair and breathes
him in, making him shiver.

Ai Di wants to push him away and pull him closer all at once, wants to shove
him back to his seat and flee the room, wants to grip him harder and lean
into the embrace.

He doesn't do any of that. Doesn't move a muscle, doesn't make sound, just
closes his eyes tight and lets himself be held.

Chapter 7
Ai Di eventually wrangles a drunken Chen Yi to the car, through the rain that
has begun falling whilst they've been inside, securing his seatbelt and
jumping back into the driver's seat.
He glances over at Chen Yi whilst starting up the engine, "you're not gonna
puke, right?" He asks, flicking on the windshield wipers.

Chen Yi laughs and drops his head to the side to eye Ai Di, "I'm not gonna
puke".

"Why'd you drink so much anyway?" Ai Di asks as he pulls away from the
curb.

Chen Yi groans and turns his head away without a word.

Ai Di scoffs, "you're not gonna tell me?"

"Hm" Chen Yi hums and then becomes quiet. Ai Di glances at him but he too
doesn't say anything.

This is what he hates about Chen Yi; his silence, his secrecy, his easy
calmness. Ai Di revels in his ability to rile him up, both loves and hates when
Chen Yi succumbs to his teasing, lashes out and shows Ai Di his true face.

They drive for a while, a hush enveloping the car, until finally Ai Di clears his
throat and speaks. And he doesn't want to ask, in fact he's desperate not to,
bites his tongue to keep himself quiet, but it's as if he can't help himself.

"Is it the boss? You met with him, right?" He says, glancing over at Chen Yi
again.

Chen Yi sighs, "just leave it".

Ai Di frowns, "why, what happened? Is it that bad?" He asks, growing

impatient and increasingly annoyed at Chen Yi's avoidance.

Petty really, his jealousy, but it burns inside of him, an inferno around his
heart. He despises it, can't stand that an emotion holds such power over him.
Can't stand that Chen Yi won't answer him, won't relieve his morbid curiosity,
won't stop the constant cycle of images that circle his mind.

Chen Yi doesn't speak, further adding to Ai Di's frustration, and it's almost
like he can physically feel the moment he snaps.

"What is it? He fucked you? He didn't fuck you? What's the problem?" He asks,
tone churlish.

Chen Yi scoffs, "what the fuck are you saying?"

"Just tell me what's happened, why you're like this" Ai Di vaguely waves his
hand towards Chen Yi.

Chen Yi hardens, "pull over, let me out".

"No" Ai Di replies, petulant.

"Pull the damn car over!" Chen Yi shouts, thumping his fist on the sill of the
passenger door in punctuation.

Ai Di swerves the car dangerously to the edge of the street and slams on the
breaks. Chen Yi practically leaps from the vehicle, spurring Ai Di to follow
him. The rain is heavier now, dense drops splashing relentlessly against his
skin, flattening his hair, soaking his clothes.

"What are you doing?! Get back in the car!" Ai Di shouts through the roaring
of the rainfall, following behind Chen Yi along the road.

Chen Yi doesn't say anything but he stops walking, his back to Ai Di, hands
on his hips.

Ai Di stops short.

"Chen Yi!" He calls out into the deluge, his sodden sleeves covering his
hands, the biting cold trembling through his body.

He wants to run forward and wrap his arms around Chen Yi's torso, wants to
press his face between his shoulder blades, breathe him in, even through the
pouring rain. He wants to beg for forgiveness and punch him in the mouth all
at the same time. Wants to jump him to the ground and hit him, wants to
keep hitting him.

Frowning, he begins to move again, towards Chen Yi, though he stills when
Chen Yi finally turns to face him.

"It's you, Ai Di!" Chen Yi bellows, rain running in rivulets down his face,
catching on his collar at his throat, seeping into his clothes.

"Huh?" Ai Di asks, confused, "what?" He speaks too quietly into the storm but
Chen Yi understands him all the same.

Chen Yi looks away from him, shaking his head on a scoff of laugh, "I'm
drinking because of you!" he yells, whilst looking back to Ai Di.

Ai Di frowns then begins walking slowly backwards, "fuck you!" he shouts,

rolling his eyes and turning away, heading back towards the car. Shivers
racking his body, the adrenaline and the chill of the predawn air teasing at
him.

Chen Yi grabs at his wrist and tugs him against him, Ai Di's hands on his
chest, faces nearly touching.

Ai Di parts his lips on a gasp when Chen Yi lifts his hand to cup Ai Di's jaw,
his thumb lightly stroking across his cheekbone. Ai Di raises his eyebrows,
"huh?" A witless retort to the tender caress.

Chen Yi smiles down at him, his thumb moving to Ai Di's lower lip, sweeping
down over his chin. Then he's moving forward, placing a gentle kiss to Ai Di's
mouth, "don't you know?" He says, voice soft, "that it's you who I love".

Chapter 8
Ai Di helplessly looks up into Chen Yi's eyes. Chen Yi's burning hot gaze
tempered by the tenderness of his hands at Ai Di's cheeks.

He swallows back a sob of a laugh, incredulity mixed with the pain of years
of unrequited love and affection. He shakes his head gently, "I don't
understand" he says quietly, heavy rain still dulling every other sound around
them.

Chen Yi smiles down at him fondly, "I love you" he kisses the corner of Ai Di's
mouth, "I love you" he whispers against his lips, pressing another kiss there,
"should I keep saying it?"

Ai Di nods infinitesimally, not wanting to displace Chen Yi's hands, "yes" he

pleads, voice barely audible.

He feels Chen Yi's lips curl up into a smile against his own as he kisses him
again, Ai Di only thinking to return the kiss when Chen Yi's tongue is tickling
at the seam of his lips.

Suddenly he comes back to himself, quickly wrapping his arms around Chen
Yi's shoulders, Chen Yi's smile growing impossibly wider at the gesture. Ai Di
deepens their kiss, tilting his head and pulling Chen Yi with a palm at the
back of his neck.

Chen Yi pulls back, lips still close enough to brush over Ai Di's when he talks,
"we should go back; you'll catch cold", followed by a peck of a kiss to his
lower lip.
Ai Di is nodding then, letting Chen Yi guide him back to the car. Lets him
fasten his seatbelt and brush his soaking wet hair back from his forehead.

They drive home in silence, Chen Yi gripping Ai Di's hand between them on
the console. His thumb stroking steady streaks across the backs of Ai Di's
fingers.

Chen Yi follows Ai Di to his bedroom without a word. Shutting the door

behind them and watching as Ai Di turns to face him.

Ai Di chews at his lips, "so, what now?"

Stepping forward towards him, Chen Yi gently pulls Ai Di's lip from between
his teeth, ceasing his abuse of it. "What do you want?" He asks.

Ai Di rolls his eyes whilst turning his head away, then moves to walk away
completely.

"Hey, hey.." Chen Yi says, as he grabs at Ai Di's hands, "talk to me".

Ai Di is looking at him then, searching his face, "tell me what you want".

That has Chen Yi smiling warmly, lifting his hand to stroke at Ai Di's cheek, "I
just want you. I want anything you'll give me".

Ai Di assesses his gaze, searching for deception, for duplicity, and finding
none. He slowly runs his hands up Chen Yi's chest to hold them firmly at his
shoulders, "I want you. So much" he looks down then, a tear overflowing and
rolling down his cheek.

"Ai Di?" Chen Yi whispers, concern and warmth lacing his tone.

He shakes his head a little, "I'm fine".

Chen Yi puts his hand to the back of Ai Di's head and pulls him to his chest.
He rubs his palm up and down his back, then clicks his tongue "you're
shaking" he says, pulling Ai Di a step back from him, "get changed, come
on".

Ai Di looks up at him through his eyelashes and sucks his lower lip into his
mouth, "shower with me" he murmurs.

Chen Yi's eyes widen but he nods, almost robotically, following as Ai Di walks
backwards into the bathroom, their fingers laced together, a smile on both
their faces.
 Chapter 9
Ai Di turns his back after they enter the room, to lean over and turn on the
shower, as the adrenaline pulses through him rendering him unable to stop
trembling.

When he faces forward, Chen Yi's eyes are still on him, his irises almost
completely swallowed up by glossy black pupils.

Slowly, Ai Di moves towards him, unzipping the hooded sweatshirt he has on

overtop his t-shirt and jeans. Chen Yi's eyes follow the movement, trailing
down Ai Di's body, forcing a shiver of anticipation through him.

When he steps in close, pressing his torso to Chen Yi's and wrapping his
arms around his shoulders, Chen Yi grips at his hips, pulling him ever closer.

Chen Yi leans down to kiss him, chaste at first, gentle and soft, barely
brushing their lips together. Then he's applying more pressure, coaxing Ai
Di's mouth open under his, slipping his tongue in against Ai Di's.

Ai Di runs his hands up under Chen Yi's t-shirt, his abdominals jumping
under his fingers. He lifts the material up and over Chen Yi's head, barely
breaking their kiss to free it from his neck.

Then Ai Di is pulling back, slowly kneeling, his hands sweeping over Chen
Yi's stomach, sliding slowly down his thighs, his eyes fixed on the gaze
above him.

He presses his forehead to Chen Yi's thigh, taking a deep breath to regain
some semblance of composure. Utterly overwhelmed by the events that have
lead to this moment.

Reaching his hands up, he pulls down the zipper of Chen Yi's jeans, looks up
into Chen Yi's face again whilst his teeth pull his lower lip into his mouth and
his fingers pull the button out of the buttonhole.

Chen Yi's breathing increases, his shaking breaths making butterflies swarm
in Ai Di's belly, nervous energy gradually rising through him, like the ocean
at high tide.

He slithers his hand through the opening, lightly dancing his fingers along
the shaft before withdrawing Chen Yi's cock out from the confines of his
boxers.
Chen Yi grasps at Ai Di's shoulder, a quiver to his inhale, his cock twitching
in Ai Di's hold.

His obvious excitement drawing Ai Di's gaze again as he leans forward to

swirl his tongue around the precum glazed head of Chen Yi's cock.

"Fuck" Chen Yi whispers above him.

Emboldened, Ai Di wets the length of Chen Yi's cock with his tongue, licking
a hot stripe up from the base, beginning to jerk him slowly in his hand.

"Shit, Ai Di" Chen Yi gasps out in a hushed tone, breathy and echoing
through the tiled room. He reaches out his hand to cup Ai Di's jaw, his thumb
sitting in the hollow beneath his cheekbone.

A smirk plays along his lips before he's wrapping them around the head of
Chen Yi's cock, sinking down until his nose meets the neat thatch of hair at
the base.

Chen Yi breathes out a moan, the fingers on one hand threading through the
hair at the nape of Ai Di's neck, his other hand still clutching at Ai Di's
shoulder.

He circles Chen Yi's cock with his tongue, languidly bobbing his head up and
down, his palm firm around the shaft, teasing him for several long minutes.

"Stop, stop, I don't want to come yet" Chen Yi grits out, his breath coming in
harsh pants.

Ai Di pulls off of his cock with an audible pop before Chen Yi is tugging him
up from the ground, his knees protesting from their time kneeling on the
ceramic floor.

His body hums, his evident arousal pressed against the zipper of jeans,
uncomfortable but grounding in a time when his mind is reeling in every
direction.

He had never expected to see Chen Yi like this, let alone be the one to
unravel him, be the one to take him apart with his mouth, his hands.

Chen Yi pushes the open hoodie from Ai Di's shoulders, letting it fall in a
heap at their feet, his t-shirt following after. Then Chen Yi is unfastening his
jeans, his hands shaking in an imitation of Ai Di's, letting them drop to the
floor before Ai Di is stepping out of them.
He removes his own jeans, both of them stripping out of their boxers before
they're kissing again, more desperate than before, hands clinging to each
other.

Chen Yi pulls Ai Di against him as he walks him backwards under the steady
stream of water raining down in the shower cubicle, thick clouds of steam
wrapping around them as their arms wrap around each other.

Chapter 10
Four years is a long time. Four years without seeing his face, feeling the
warmth of his skin, without being encapsulated by the smell uniquely him.

When Ai Di gets out of prison, the last thing he expects is for Chen Yi to be
scooping him up from outside the gates and forcing him into his car.

The silence is deafening until Chen Yi finally says, "we need to talk".

Ai Di rolls his eyes, "I'm out of the gang, what would we possibly need to talk
about?"

Chen Yi glances over to the passenger side but says nothing more, resulting
in a withering glare from Ai Di.

When they eventually arrive at the gang's headquarters, Ai Di reluctantly

follows Chen Yi inside despite his brain screaming at him to run in the
opposite direction and never stop.

He follows him past the lounge, hesitating before continuing behind him up
the stairs. He eyes the door of the room that was once his own, attempting to
block the memories flooding to the forefront of his mind.

Shaking his head, as if that could put a stop to the deluge of emotions
cascading over him, he trails after Chen Yi to his bedroom.

Last time they were in this room, Ai Di had taken something he had had no
right to. Selfishly, he'd let Chen Yi think him someone else, allowed himself
an intimacy that he'd known wasn't for him but that he couldn't say no to,
hadn't had the self control to deny.

Chen Yi sits on the end of the bed, "close the door" he says, motioning to the
opening Ai Di is still standing in, disinclined to enter fully.

Sighing he forces himself forward, closing the door behind him but staying
close for an easy escape.
He folds his arms across his chest, avoiding the eye contact Chen Yi hasn't
stopped seeking from him.

"Won't you look at me?" Chen Yi asks, hurt lacing his tone. A hurt which has
Ai Di's head lifting to meet Chen Yi's gaze.

"I'm here, I'm looking, so talk" Ai Di says, nonchalance masking his own pain.

Chen Yi's eyebrows pull together in a frown, his eyes pleading, "why did you
do it?"

"Do what?" Ai Di asks, feigning ignorance.

His answer is an incredulous look, forcing Ai Di to shift his eyes across the
room at the TV, only to watch Chen Yi's reflection in the black screen.

"Why spend the night with me and then take the fall for all that shit?" Chen Yi
asks, direct, leaving no room for argument.

Ai Di drops back against the closed door, tilting his head back, eyes roving
the hairline cracks in the ceiling above. After a long pause he says, "Bai Zong
Yi needed help", with a shrug.

He sees Chen Yi's eyebrows raise in his peripheral vision, coaxing his eyes
back down to meet Chen Yi's, "it was the right thing to do".

Chen Yi shakes his head, "but why leave like that? Was that the right thing to
do too?" Heat rising in his voice.

Again, Ai Di can't hold Chen Yi's gaze, his eyes finding the carpeted floor at
his feet. His head snapping back up when Chen Yi jumps to his feet.

"Well? Was it? You-"

"I know what I did" he cuts Chen Yi off, his tone harsh, "what's the big deal?
You have a virgin complex or something? Want to do the same to me? Go on,
do it" he insists, a riot warring in his head. Chen Yi is so close to him now, he
could very nearly touch him if he stretched out his hand.

Chen Yi looks taken aback at first before determination writes itself on his
expression, "fine, come on" he says firmly.

Ai Di frowns hard, "fuck you" he spits.

"You suggested it, didn't you? Come on" Chen Yi waves his hand towards the
bed.
Shaking his head Ai Di says, "forget it. I'm not in the mood". His heart is
pounding in his chest, a crimson hummingbird trying desperately to break
free from his ribcage.

"No? Why?" Chen Yi asks, moving closer to Ai Di, boxing him in with his
hands either side of Ai Di's head on the door.

Ai Di searches Chen Yi's eyes, assessing, "call someone else. I'm not
interested".

And he hates that he is interested, distraught and aching. Hates that he

wants to grab at Chen Yi roughly by his shoulders, and pull him into an
urgent kiss.

Chen Yi looks down Ai Di's body torturously slowly, then back up to his face,
"you're sure?"

His lips part as he breathes in a shaking inhale, "I'm sure" Ai Di says, voice
too small, too weak.

A look of longing dances along Chen Yi's face but then he's dropping his
arms from either side of Ai Di's head, "fine" Chen Yi concedes, backing away.

Ai Di searches his face quickly, his eyes moving over his expression, a sick
desperation building under his skin.

"Wait" he grits out, barely above a whisper, making Chen Yi freeze where he
stands.

It feels like they're in limbo, a living version of purgatory, an eternity of

immobile stagnation, rigid as they stare each other down over the miniscule
distance between them.

Then Ai Di is gripping the crew neck of Chen Yi's t-shirt, hauling him
forward, forcing their lips to meet in a brutal kiss.

Chapter 11
Ai Di rolls over, his chest pressing against sleep-warm, bare skin. He hums
quietly, somewhere between waking and sleeping, as an arm embraces him
and calloused fingers begin arbitrarily tickling haphazard patterns into the
skin of his back and shoulders.

He smiles as he presses his nose to the exposed throat in front of him, as he

realises he's sharing a bed with Chen Yi. Last night, the love of his life
confessed his true feelings. Ai Di's unrequited love, matched and beaten by
Chen Yi's own.

Chen Yi presses a kiss to the top of Ai Di's head, resting his lips there,
breathing in the scent of his hair, the soothing warmth of his scalp a
reminder that this is real, that they're finally together.

Ai Di hums again, "what time is it?" He asks, voice a low rasp.

"I'm not sure" Chen Yi replies, pressing another kiss into Ai Di's hair, "the
sun's up" he adds.

"Do you have anywhere to be?" Ai Di questions, pressing himself closer so

their bodies line up, his nose buried where Chen Yi's neck meets his
shoulder, breathing him in.

Chen Yi hums a no, his throat buzzing against Ai Di's lips, eliciting a smile.
Ai Di places a tender kiss to the skin beneath his mouth, "good" he murmurs,
hot breath fanning over Chen Yi's neck. Then he's moving, open mouthed
kisses following the stark path made by Chen Yi's collarbone, leading to the
hollow of his throat.

"What happens now?" Chen Yi asks, muffled into Ai Di's hair.

"What do you mean?" Ai Di replies, his lips brushing against Chen Yi's skin as
he speaks.

"Are you going to run away again?" Chen Yi says, blunt and brutal.

Ai Di sighs a little and rests his forehead against Chen Yi's chest before
rolling onto his back, his head flopping down onto the pillow that sits next to
Chen Yi's.

Then Chen Yi is leaning up on his elbow to look down at him, searching his
face whilst Ai Di stares up at the ceiling.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, isn't that what they say?" Ai Di says,
turning his head to look at Chen Yi. "So I can be absent, and you can grow
fonder" he continues, a smirk playing on his lips.

Chen Yi's answering smirk has Ai Di's heart stuttering in his chest, then his
lips part as Chen Yi leans down towards him. Chen Yi's hand comes up to
gently cup Ai Di's jaw and, finally, their lips meet.

They kiss, warm and passionate, a low simmer compared with the passion
that boiled over between them the night before. Ai Di's stomach clenches at
the thought, Chen Yi surrounding him, atop him, inside him. Until all he
could think, feel, smell was him.

He grips the back of Chen Yi's neck, pulling him closer, dirtying their kiss
with more tongue, his mouth opening wider under Chen Yi's.

Ai Di nips at Chen Yi's mouth, mercilessly pulling his lower lip between his
teeth. Smirking a laugh when he earns a wince from between Chen Yi's own
teeth.

Chen Yi grabs at Ai Di's arms, forcing them up to the headboard. Slowly he

runs his hands up his forearms, eventually encircling his wrists on the pillow
above his head. Then he's kissing him again, hot and desperate, as if this
might be the last time he has Ai Di here like this, in his bed and pliant, their
shared love lit like burning orange coals, glowing between them.

He tries to keep the thoughts from his mind, the ones that have him jolting
from sleep in a cold sweat, the ones he buries deep under his subconscious.
The ones that wait for him to drop his guard before rising above into his
consciousness, bobbing up to the surface of his waking mind. Where Chen Yi
is hurt and Ai Di is helpless, where Chen Yi is dead and Ai Di is alone again.

Surely this is fate and this is meant to be. A love deeper than any valley, a
love solely theirs, a love hard fought and even harder won.

But maybe it will all crumble to pieces, maybe fate isn't what she pretends to
be, maybe there's no such thing as destiny, and maybe bad things happen,
and love will always be torn apart.

Chapter 12
Ai Di huffs an incredulous laugh, running his tongue along the inside of his
lower teeth, “like hell you're going by yourself” he says, his voice leaving no
room for argument.

“Why? It's only a meeting with collections. Will you miss me too much?” Chen
Yi teases.

He pushes him with a palm to the chest, Chen Yi's back hitting the backrest
of the seat behind him, “you could get yourself killed anywhere, and then
what am I supposed to do?” Ai Di asks, planting his hands on his hips.

Chen Yi smirks a little and leans towards Ai Di to pull at his wrist, tugging
him forward to straddle his thighs.
Ai Di clicks his tongue in reprimand, but his hands find Chen Yi's shoulders,
his fingers toying with the neckline of Chen Yi's t-shirt. “You have a meeting
or you don't have a meeting?” He says, his tone chastising.

That has Chen Yi smirking up at him, “can't I enjoy you for a few minutes
before I have to leave for my meeting?” He asks, biting at his lower lip as he
lets his eyes travel down Ai Di's body and back up to meet his gaze.

In an attempt to hide his smile, Ai Di looks down forcing Chen Yi to lean up

to kiss his cheek, running his hands down from his hips to squeeze his ass
cheeks.

“Just a few minutes? That's all it takes?” Ai Di teases as he grips Chen Yi

shoulders.

Chen Yi laughs, “with you looking like this?” He jokes, letting his eyes caress
Ai Di's body once more.

Again Ai Di clicks his tongue and hits Chen Yi's chest, making Chen Yi
chuckle, “shut up and let's go” Ai Di says, rising from Chen Yi's lap much to
Chen Yi's chagrin.

“Later” Ai Di insists, batting Chen Yi's hands away, “I'll still look like this when
we get back” he mocks.

Chen Yi just laughs and follows him out.