TSU aees | DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING. por H pp A curious ALL THE RAGE Pormneconensarcantl outlook Ree < Cet BNA me ? ’ en { Talking to ‘taboo’ al reeled xa ee et being eclipsed by pita cones“| have not failed? lve just found 10,000 Ways that won't worki z i A fresh perspective Do you ever have one of those moments where you're at a mental standstill, completely blocked, stuck ona problem you can't shake? You might begin by mulling it over in your head, ruminating on all the possible solutions, and how things could play out. But, with no clear answer, you escalate to rehearsing what you need to say (or wish you had said), imaginging how someone might react, then dread the impending disaster when everything will inevitably go against you. The pressure builds, the problem looming over you, gaining momentum like a tidal wave about to crash. Until you finally have enough, and have no option but to take a break, And, suddeniy, that breathing space works wonders, Itblows away the cobwebs clouding your ming, with that moment of rest allowing your brain to reset. The wave. of panic and confusion begins to ebb. Your entire perspective can seem to shift with a newfound clarity Its.a phenomenon that welve tried ‘to encompass in this very issue: discovering how we can see the things that might have been right in front of our eyes the whole time in a completely new ight — and the powerful opportunities this can open up for us, This could be taken quite lteraly with ‘our explainer on James Webbing’, which explores the relationship trend of viewing romantic connections (both buciding and deep-rooted) through a new lens. But, it also serves as inspiration for our empowering feature on good times vs goal-setting, teaching you to enjoy the joumey, not just the destination, as \wellas in the hopeful possibilities of the concept of post-traumatic growth. Looking at our wellbeing, emotions, and relationships, from a different angle Could open up a whole new realm of possibilities for us, to grow and transform inways we never thought possible. ‘And it all starts with an open heart and mind, allowing curiosity to lead the way. Who knows what you might discover when you look at things from a new vantage point? Happy reading, ae REBECCA THAR] EDTORIN-CHIEF ‘At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating ‘a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of ‘our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, Visit happiful.com/pledges W |happifulcom, F | hapoifulna, T | @happitulhg 1 | @happifuLmagazineAnew lens 14 What is ‘James Webbing? Isit time you got a fresh perspective ‘on dating and relationships? 17 Fire and fury How scream therapy and rage rooms might be the key to calm 25 Sam Thompson The realty star on how an adult ADHD diagnosis set him free 28 It's tough at the top How to have a heathy relationship with achievement 60 Post-traumatic growth Could there be something positive waiting on the other side of adversity? 67 Put your best foot forward 9 positive ways to start your week Food & health 31 Geta good gut feeling 41 An autoimmune journey ‘And how a diagnosis and the ight support can shape the future Positive pointers 70 Sweet tooth? 205 ways to make a difference Tasty snacks for warmer weather Unique ways to support charities 32 Rooting for you Try this at home —wryrerowstation projets eso essential & how to get involved 16 The perfect self-care plan 51 Dianne Buswell 50 How to give compliments The Strictly star on joy beyond dance 83 Stop and relax 72Help youngsters thrive Explore your mind and what youneed Cur expert's tips to get the students most with our joumaling pages in your fe set up for successWellbeing 36 What is the subconscious? 38 The benefits of stimming How stims support our self-esteem ‘45 Do you have lunar insomnia? 75 Decision time How to make choices in tough times 78 sit just me? Tackiing ‘taboo’ thoughts Culture Expert review 8 Good news Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we ‘18 The wellbeing wrap deliver the highest quality 48 Do something different pels ihe 82 Read this The journey of life can bring us jay and, equaly, reat challenges This s the nature of it A traumatic experience Relationships con be very dificult fo recover from, due to the severity and 22 You can't please everyone complexity of emotional Michelle Elman on rejecting experiences But, tis possible. people-pleasing behaviours Head over to p60 to explore the ways in which you can 34 Being pushed away? grow from trauma. Borne What to do when someone is from acversity, your negative behaving in an unsociable way ‘experience has wonderful potential to blossom into '54 That's too personal something new, allowing you How to respond to intrusive and toreach depths of the self that sensitive questions were previously unknown. There isalways hope. 57 What's the parental load? RAV SEKHON ees 64 Joy for empty nesters paychotherapist with Exploring how you can navigate tore than 10 year this new kind of freedom experience.ESOeGo Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue KIERAN TOWNSEND Koran is ayouth eve ach ‘and mentor SUZANNE ANDEREGG Suzanne sa nuttonist supporting families and indvicuats, ADRIAN JACKSON OptiypHRO EMT CNC (He Adtianisacosritive hypnotherapist specialising in ansety and depression, ‘SANA KAMRAN Sanaisa counselor, writer and Founder of INNATE Counseling ‘and Psychotherapy. NORA PORTNELL TOM BULPIT Tomis a person-centred counsellorand ‘SHELLEY TREACHER Shelley is acounselor speciasng in self-worth and anxiety. CLAUDINE THORNHILL Claudine i anaturopsthic nuttionist and heath coach, JENNY WARWICK Jenny is counsellor ‘speciaisngineatonships ‘and fail sues. CLAIRE ELMES Cisireisa therapist and ite coach specialising in balance. Beesea CHANTAL DEMPSEY CChantalis a mindset coach who special sesin helping men and women createaife they ove Join the Happiful Expert Panel ‘Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how ta join by emailing us at professionals@happifucom Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca That |Eeltorin-Chiet Kathryn Wheeler | Features Ector Lavon Bromiey-Bk| Eltrial Assistant Bonnie Eve Gitford Kat Nichelle, ‘Samantha Redgrave Hogg | Senior Writers ‘Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer ‘Michal Elman, Kieran Townend | Cokamnists Lucy Doncughue| Head of Multimedia Elon Loos | Head of Content Keith Hovit| Sub-Eator Rav Sekhon| Expert Advisor [ARTE DESIGN ‘Amy-Je0n Buns | Head of Product & Marketing CCharott Reyna | Creative Lead osan Magar | Mustrator ‘COMMUNICATIONS ‘Ace Greedus| PR Manager ‘CONTRIBUTORS Emily Wison, Gerara Cabert Victor Stokes, ‘Down Mines, Emme Johnson, aude Thor Fora RetcherRecl Jenna Famer, Bee Gaunt [Nek Bannerman, Ce Cargbel- Adams Katie Scott ‘SPECIAL THANKS. “Tom Buipt Adan Jackson Nora Prtral lire Ekmes ‘Suzanne Arderegg, Shelley Teacher Sana Karns, sonny Warwick MANAGEMENT ‘Airs Maunders| Director & Co-Founder Emma Hussey | Diector& Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder ‘SUBSCRIPTIONS Fornow orders and back odors visit shop happitulcom, oral Newsstand on 448 (0)1227 27 248 orem Subenquities@nensstandicouk contact Happ, fo Meriah Bulsing 3, Riverside Way, Camberoy, Suey, GUIS 2¥L Emai us a helb@happifulcom HAPPIFUL FAMILY Healing you find the help you nec. Counseling Drectory Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutitionst Resource, “Therapy Directory WORLD LAND. TRUST™Find help IF you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to ARE Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at [email protected] Ents nas SANEline 'SANEline offers support and information from 4pm—10pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393, Or email: [email protected] ‘Switchboard Switchboard isa line for LGBT+ support. Open from Oam-10pm: 0300 330 0630, You can email: [email protected] INFORMATION ON ADHD To leam more about ADHD, and to access advice and services, visit adhdfoundlation org.uk WORK WITH A NUTRITIONIST you want to learn more about nutrition, and create a personalised plan, connect with a professional using nutritionist-resource.org.uk HELP FOR PTSD Forinformation and support if you or a loved one is experiencing PTSD ox C-PTSD, visit ptsdukorg ‘4 wotoranevee commie smadect tops sy. esouce ao pape ram FSC cee souces The FSO be guzatons tate teesanetoa9 eked of choveata ene nSUa, Soca lee ‘Snactoral tren i parted eenone wey mag aut ontontoa aes ene Hache abrdot ‘ou es pred er gral nflomaton uses We wera bach highs pantie eto Sur however fyb woul ibetopsson ur foeck rho acoplnt eb opp pene rats etcttopotlor iecoro ace lalty fo pods asec fesyhntiy Mem Les ‘Sounateconparyinsdby aes andagstered nEndoana Ves wa copay eb OSA85185n3V8T mer i 20805897 Cregeen sates Bung Rao Wy carey Suey, II JUST ane Ppa|INDEPENDENT ONE AWARDS TREE. ‘anon Winner Keep it rolling £5.99 Per month, Monthly dose of positivity Includes UK delivery Cancel or pause anytime See (One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey — what ‘works for one of us will be different for someone else. But dont feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you ‘on your way. Bringing together vatious arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses ona different method of nourishing your wellbeing — from counseling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy. Download our free Hoppiful app for more, Prices ana borfts are comect tthe Timea pong Foe urs and conctons please ist happfueomTECH Rail firms callin VR to tackle sexual harassment Every day, technology is changing our lives in new and exciting ‘ways and, now, itcould help us to address some of the biggest challenges we face in our society. Sexual harassment on public transports, unfortunately, a real problem experienced by many, According to a survey ‘commissioned by UN Women UK, 71% of women in the UK have experienced some form of sexual harassment in a public space. And many bystanders feel unable to intervene - while others are not able to identify some of the most frequent forms of sexual harassment, including sexual ‘comments, intrusive staring, and persistent questioning. Inabid to make the rail lines a safer space for all, Rail Delivery Group and the British ‘Transport Police created a new VR experience, trialled at Waterloo Station, London, in April. It aimed to tackle sexual harassment by teaching people to recognise how these situations can occur, and to ‘empower them to intervene in a safe way. 8 Issue 74 |happfulcom “Knowing what to do is abig motivator for bystanders, as harmful acts are witnessed every day” says Graham Goulden, bystander intervention expert, and ex-criminal chief investigating officer for Police Scotland. “Some people dont realise that harm is taking place, whereas others, rightly so, fear for their own safety. Not only do we help people see the harm in the likes of language and other behaviours, but we also provide them with tools toact. One person can make a difference, so its important that people believe that they can help.” To report sexual harassment ‘on public transport, text 61016, download the Railway Guardian ‘app, or call 0800 40 5040 —COMMUNITY Sisters ensure hardship won't cost kids their childhood For those families who are experiencing financial hardship as a result of the cost of living crisis, itcan be incredibly difficult to provide the basic necessities for their children, let alone new toys. But, despite these challenges, there are people who have stepped up to help those in need, including two children who wanted to make a difference. The kind-hearted sisters from Chesterfield, Sage (12) and Erin (8) first began collecting cereal, tinned food, and selection boxes CHARITY to give to Chesterfield Food Bank over the Christmas holidays, and itwas this selfless act of kindness that encouraged them to collect toys and clothes for the children in Derbyshire who would otherwise have gone without. ‘They began collecting bags full of donated items, which quickly became enough to fill the bathtub at their family home. Their ‘mother, Mel Stubbs, said: “im really proud of them. Its lovely that they're giving back to charity, because they are aware we are going through the crisis, and a lot of families are struggling because of the rising cost of living.” And the kindness didn't stop there. Both Erin and Sage attend separate schools, which are a part of the Cavendish Learning Trust, which recently raised more than £12,000 for the community by organising a comedy evening hosted by husband and wife duo, comedians Jon Richardson and Lucy Beaumont. Itturns out, even if you're little, you can still doa lot. ‘Adopt a Grandparent’ charity secures fundraising support Sipping tea, while listening to stories from our elders, really helps to combat loneliness - so its no surprise that independent charity Adopt Grandparent is winning support. Working with care homes across the UK, Adopt a Grandparent has nearly 100,000 volunteers signed up to ‘adopt’ an elderly person in need of a regular, friendly chat. But, the charity needs funds in order to continue. And, now, named one of Co-op's charities of the year, Adopta Grandparent will benefit financially from shoppers ‘who choose to support them via Co-ops Local Community Fund - as the Co-op donates 1p of every £1 spent on selected products/services via this fund to a range of local causes. Speaking about the work they do, founder of Adopt a Grandparent, Shaleeza Hasham, explains how the pandemic had an impact on older people. “Loneliness became a huge crisis during the pandemic. The health risks related to loneliness include a higher risk of mental and physical conditions, including heart disease, depression, anxiety, dementia, and premature death. By helping volunteers to virtually ‘adopt’ a grandparent, we hope to alleviate loneliness and generate companionship in as many ‘communities as possible, with both parties benefiting from the enriching relationships.” Ifyou want to donate to the charity through the (running until October 2023) you'l need to become a Co-op member, which costs £1, And, if you fancy ‘adopting’ a grandparent, visit adoptagrandparent.org.uk. So, put the kettle on, its time to chat. happitulcorn| issue 74 |9SCIENCE Alittle bit of mindfulness can go along way ‘Who's guilty of not making time for self-care? It's something we know we should do, but the weeks fly by and we ‘can easily get lost on the conveyor belt of life. That said, we might be more tempted to steal some more mindful ‘minutes if we knew how quickly we could see results In fact, practising mindfulness just once a week for eight weeks helped ‘graduate stuclents feel significantly more positive and focused, according to anew study carried out by the University of Wisconsin. ‘The research, published in the science journal PLOS ONE, which included two studies involving 215 students across six academic terms, showed consistently positive results. The mindfulness participants reported fewer negative ‘emotions, and improved emotional wellbeing, after training in healthy coping strategies, brain neuroplasticity, mindfulness meditation, and cognitive ‘exercises, in usta few weeks. Susan Hagness, study co-author and professor of computer engineering, said: “How do we help our students develop resiliency and a really robust toolbox to flourish in an environment where there’ inevitably going to be stress? Small investments in self-care ‘can have long,term rewards.” So next time you put off taking a little ‘me-time’, just remember how even making even a small effort can goa long way. happitutcom | issue 74 [1Take 5 8 Take a mindful moment a 3S in this test of logic 15 Kakuro 9 Complete the grid so that the 13 8 numbers in each row and column add up to the values at the edge. You can use the digits one to nine, 4 but remember that each one can 16 only be used once in each sum! Watch out - this is a hard one! 9 S 3 13 6 10 9 6 Word pyramid Complete the pyramid by solving the clues below, filing in each row with one letter per box. The trick is that each row uses all the same letters as the row before it, plus one new letter — but the order can change. Time to test your vocabulary! Clues 1. Singular 2. Father 3. Monkey 4, Back of the neck 5, Flat area or surface 6. Earth, Mercury, Satu...wellbeing wrap WHAT A SWEET IDEA To raise awareness of World Down's Syndrome Day in March, Northamptonshire sweet shop worker Billy, who has Down's Syndrome himself, pitched to his bosses at The ston the idea of selling bags including Colt Club, in Suffolk, as all his favourite treats, and was met with incredible Deennamed Club of the support. More than 800 of ‘Billy's Pouches’ have been Year2025 by England Golf: sold so far, raising more than £800 for the Down's Manager Tony Pennock ‘Syndrome Association! And they‘ still going—you Was inspired by his own can support The Shop and order Billy's Pouch online parents’ experiences with at www.sweetfutures shop the disease, noting that, NOTHORSING AROUND [0r ‘nose who leyedthe DLR A22-year-oldtech bilionare SPort previous you “put Peete has adopted 40+ abandoned | clubintheir hand, andit Pee horses! John Collison, who transforms them’. Dl co-founded Stripe, has stoners welcomed the animals Punny stuff With an initiative offering free sessions for those with dementia, Seckford ect’ ‘on to his 1,100- Affectionately known as, cco ‘dad jokes, cringe-worthy ese ae oot) puns could actually bea sign i Mone panies ~_ ie Pee eg ‘good parenting. Writing eee ey ren Eeos for the British Psychological Creer Ter] inva sgn that Society, Marc Hye-Knudsen, EAE RMME our self-esteem might eee feet iol need some TLC, apollby 2/4 manager at Aarhus Wives Mere Metal | Orioymfound that one in University’s Cognition and Rao Re Bale) four Brits, rising to nearly Banavior Laborstory. explains: eeu) half of Gen Z, wouldn't ‘that this teasing’ helps cer ost an unfiltered or schilaren to oad reall ence, Hielatreelerastes indie! aelfa! feet gain impulse control, and Peres | 40%ofthoseaged 16 supports emotionalreguiation ee ea t025reported wanting _-—_as their embarrassment limits sleep (which include to alter their facial aetetel Eee ets Se aan oF FELINE GOOD Pema) pam a pores doa wonderful job, but a Friendship knows no bounds, or timezones apparently, 2s particular charity really does seen 2 pair of 81-year-old besties set out on atrip around the tobe the catSspyjamas The Shropshire globe. Starting their adventures in January, they relayed Cat Rescve, in Shrewsbury, has crested their travel tales on their blog, ‘Around the World at ‘a’Moggies Retirement Village’, with mini ‘80’, and amassed a legion of fans. Sandy Hazelip cottages and well-kept gardens, for 17 of ‘its golden oldies (though a few youngsters and Elie Hamby, from Texas, embarked on thei trip SRS exploring far-flung places including Antarctica, Easter Fe ener iia aac ah eat Island, Argentina, Finland, Zambia, Nepal, and Japan. But ‘conditions, or who need more Australia is where they concluded their trip of a lifetime, regular treatment, to ensure having visited 18 countries and all seven continents! they | ero aad incorWhat is “James Webbing’? What can seeing someone through a new lens do for our relationships? ny fans of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice will know the power of seeing ‘someone in a new light. When protagonist Lizzie Bennet sees Mr Darcy's softer, fiercely loyal side (and, lets be honest, his massive house), everything changes, and ‘happily ever after’ ensues. And, the latest dating trend for 2023 is barking up a similar tree. ‘James Webbing’ - getting the ‘name from the James Webb space telescope - refers to seeing someone through a new lens, and that fresh perspective spuring our romantic interest, And it makes total sense that this could be the case. We humans are multi- faceted beings. Our personalities are a complex web of patterns, brought together by all the things ‘we've been through so far, the ‘moods we flow through, our values, and the fundamental things that make us the individuals we are. The trouble is, ‘modern-day dating isn't exactly setup to account forall of that. According to Statist in 2022, there were more than 366 million online dating service users worldwide. And that ‘number is estimated to grow to 440 million by 2027. These apps 14 | Issue 74 |happtulcom have revolutionised the dating pool. A 2019 study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that heterosexual couples are ‘now more likely to meet a romantic partner online than through personal contacts. and connections. That people are able to find love this way is, undeniably, a great thing. But the culture of dating apps asks us to make snap decisions about someone, with very little information supporting them. Think about it, you see a photo ‘of someone on a dating app. ‘They're in their running gear, grinning ear-to-ear, holding a medal up to the camera. They look nice, but running isn't your thing, and your mind instantly ‘goes to 6am wake-ups to get a quick jog in before work. You swipe left. What could have been a perfect love-match was rushed aside without pause. And this behaviour isn't exactly ‘our fault, it tied up in doing ‘what the apps want us to do. But James Webbing’ asks us to think differently, to expand our experiences to accommodate ‘our full selves, and to be curious about who other people are, and who they could evolve to be in the future. And that goes for long- term couples, as well. When Ollie Allen’ father died, he decided to do something extraordinary: Ollie built his, father’s coffin from seratch. ‘The result was an exemplary work of art, but, reflecting on the experience, Jessica Flinn- Allen, Ollie’ wife, also notes how the experience affected their relationship. 10 questions to get a fresh perspective on someone + What quality do you most vvalue in yourself? + What achievement are ‘you most proud of? + What drives you in life? + If you could go anywhere in the ‘world, where would you go? + What's your favourite memory from childhood? + Are you where you want ‘to be in life? + Isthere anything you wish ‘you could change about ‘your life so far? + What makes you feel excited? + What is something you have always wanted to try? + What do you think the meaning of your life is?“Ollie is no stranger to working with his hands. However, this project was unique as it was a way for Ollie to pay tribute to his father and process his grief,” she says. “Ollie poured his heart and soul into the project, creating a beautiful and one-of-a-kind coffin that truly captured his father’s spirit and personality “Seeing the love and dedication he poured into crafting this handmade coffin for his father was incredibly Being such complex people is what makes moving, Ihave always known that Ollie is a creative and caring person, but seeing him channel those qualities into something so personal Jessica continues. “It was a and meaningful was a powerful difficult time for Ollie and for our reminder of what a wonderful family, but watching him work person heis.This experience made _ on this project, and being able to me appreciate Ollie even more, and offer my support, was a way for us deepened my love for him” tocome together. More familiar with making “This experience has also given ‘wedding rings with his wife, forher usa shared sense of purpose, Sheffield-based jewellery company and. deeper appreciation for Jessica Finn, this was the first coffin the value of creativity and self- Ollie had ever made. He dedicated expression in times of grief. more than 60 hours to the craft, Overall, I would say that this creating the coffin out of solid oak, experience has brought us closer with rattan details to reference his together and deepened our bond father’s furniture shop, and handles as acouple” made from foraged beech timber Beyond grief, there are many from their local woodland. other points in life when we might “Iwould say that this experience _see people through a new lens, has strengthened our relationship,” such as in parenthood, as they fers e ie RCL Came een wo) aa discover a new vocation, through illness and caring responsibilities, on journeys of self-discovery, or simply with the passage of time. Being such complex people is what makes getting to know others such a joy. You never know how they might surprise you, even when you thought you knew all there ‘was to know about someone. So, be itin a new or old relationship, it ight be time to hold some space fora fresh perspective on your partner. Seek itout by chasing new experiences together, discover it in late-night conversations, or just wait and see what they can show you -it might he the fuel that drives ‘an even deeper connection. happiulcor | issue 74 6S What way of refilling your cup sounds tempting? bk — It could be a sign to treat yourself today Read a book Learn a new skill Declutter a space Have a personal in your home dance party Get some fresh air Enjoy a quiet moment with a hot drink Say ‘no’ when you need to Deep breathing exercises — Options — Move with yoga Phone a friend Cook your favourite dish Get creative Take a nap Meditate Social media break Make a list of your goals 16 | ssue 74 | happifuicomEA ‘ST € a new lense A therapeutic activites that engage our anger be the key to deeper healing? ast week, I wanted to throw a tantrum, Ihad just moved house and. ‘was surrounded by boxes stacked across every surface. I couldn't find the spoons, I couldn't find the bin bags, I couldn't find the phone charger, the cat wwas trying to break into the freezer box, and then I tripped and knocked my head on the bannister rail. In that moment, Twanted to stamp my feet, and push over a couple of those damn boxes. Instead, | followed the advice I've written about so often in Happiful: Isat, took some deep breaths, and did what I could to calm down, But is automatically suppressing anger and frustration always a good thing? “We humans experience abroad range of different emotions, but none of those are ‘more demonised than anger,” ‘Tom Bulpit, a counsellor and psychotherapist, says. “Rage is a natural feeling that is often triggered when we've been deeply hurt; that level of anger speaks toa deep level of pain within us. ‘There’ a part of us that might want to release that rage, and let that dark, destructive force rip out of us, at everything around us. We might even want to break stuff, or hurt people, or simply reflect back the injury we feel that has been done tous. But there’s often another part of us thatis desperate to also keep that rage in, and to suppress it rather than let it out.” As Tom explains, many of us have been taught from childhood that anger is a negative emotion thatisnit generally socially acceptable. And because of those lessons, we can then sense a degree of shame around feeling anger, which really muddies the water when it comes to expressing those emotions. “Shame tries to tell us that what we're feeling is somehow wrong, and we can deny ito ourselves, butit can be equally destructive as we instead internalise our suppressed anger, and the pressure instead just builds up within us hidden ~and damages us silently. Ifanger is not dealt with in a healthy way, itcan manifest as depression instead, and greatly affect our relationships. “Demonised or taboo feelings of anger are particularly problematic in certain demographics, including men, women, and certain ethnicities; with the risk of appearing as ‘the angry Black man’ who might turn violent, or asa woman who isn't focused on being agreeable or ‘nice’ all the time. Yet our anger comes from a real place, and the pain we feel is, valid. Suppression doesn't change anything, but it harms us in the happitulcom | Issue 74 17long-term, or risks enabling those whose behaviours might have wronged us,” says Tom. Scream therapy (dedicating some time to screaming, and letting it all out) and rage rooms (rooms you can hire to break plates, take a bat to the walls, and generally just break things) are an alternative way of processing ‘negative’ emotions. And theresa theory to back them up. Screaming, for example, triggers our survival instinct, which then floods our bodies with endorphins - its ‘why swearing when you're hurt‘can actually help with the pain. But how does that go down in practice? “Twas living in Tokyo in 2008, anger rooms originated in Japan around that time, and I remember hearing of a Tokyo smash room, where people could go to break plates and cups,” says Carmen ‘Wong, a blogger who writes about Japanese pop culture at lacarmina. ‘om. “Around that time, Japan also debuted a bizarre arcade game called ‘Super Table-Flip\ The screen shows you an annoying scenario (a naggy family, a bad day atthe office), and lets you pound on, and flip over, a plastic table to score points!” As Carmen explains, she didn't find it surprising that rage rooms originated in Japan, where ‘many people deal with a lot of work stress and social pressure, resulting in many other escapist outlets. But she was intrigued ‘enough to give one a go. “L was intrigued by the wide variety of tools available to break things, including a metal ‘crowbar and sledgehammer! The room was also decorated in a horror movie theme, with bloody pentagrams on the walls. I suited up in protective gear that included heavy gloves and eye goggles, to protect myself from flying shards. ‘Then, for 30 minutes, I went at it: smashing vases, TVscreens, farniture, glasses, you name it. It ‘was fun to let loose and yell, and break everything in sight.” Afterwards, Carmen remembers feelinga rush of adrenaline, followed by relief - like going on a roller coaster or skydiving, WHAT DOES THE EXPERT THINK? “Scream therapy and rage rooms are relatively new concepts ina very angry world. Yet, as humans, we've already found ways to ‘manifest anger healthily for a long time, such as contact sports, martial arts, or music. But these might not always be accessible.” ‘Tom says. “So the idea of just being able to anonymously book a room and smash sh*t sounds pretty appealing, “Asa therapist, my only advice ‘would be to make space for ‘what might come after anger. Anger often comes froma place of hurt, and we don't like feeling vulnerable, so our rage response can be a way to mask that vulnerability. Once that mask has been spent, we might have to then sit with that raw, unprotected feeling of pain, and that might suck for a while, “After using a rage room or similar activity, it’s totally OK if we need to have a good cry. Being mindful of the need for high quality aftercare is something worth planning in advance for a new lense After using a rage room or similar @ activity, it’s totally OK if we need to have a good cry anyone thinking about booking a rage room; perhaps you could arrange for a friend to call you after, or make sure you have no other plans so you can go home and recharge. For those who feel ready for it, seeking the support of a qualified counsellor isa great ‘way to navigate these emotions.” WHERE TO PUT THOSE FEELINGS On reflection, it probably was a good thing that I didn’t push over any cardboard boxes that day —a toppling tower of fragile things and a free-roaming cat isn't exactly a controlled environment. But perhaps I should have let those emotions sit fora bit longer; they were trying to tell me [was overwhelmed and in need of help. And maybe its time we all reflected a bit more on our relationship with rage. Screaming into a pillow, going for a pounding run, listening to the suitably explicit Break Stuf? by Limp Bizkit on full volume, or booking ourselves in for a rage room ~ let itrip, itcould be the start of some deeper healing, hhappitulcor | sue 74 [195 simple ways to support charities There's more than one way to make a difference to the world around you eB = ith the current cost to worthy causes. With Vinted, the W of living crisis, charity is chosen by the platform, individuals and non- but personalised options on eBay profit organisations need financial _allowsellers to select a charity from support more than ever. But their extensive lst. not everyone is part of a team If you're still aiming to make extra that regularly raises money for cash, you can donate a certain charity, or hasa lot of time to give. percentage of your sale, instead of Luckily, there is a range of simple, the fall amount. This is one way to actionable ways to contribute to donate within your means, while people in need-and youdon'thave _equally reaping some benefits. to feel stress, or break the bank, to doso. Purchase ‘invisible’ menu items Sell some of your Backed by well-known chefs and belongings for charity restaurant chains, Hospitality Donating to your local high street Action’s ‘invisible chips’ campaign charity shop isa great way to offers patrons the chance to accumulate profits fora good cause. _purchase ‘invisible’ menu items. At But many people dont realise you £3, almost equivalent to a barista can actually do this, and set your coffee, proceeds from ‘invisible ‘own prices, without leaving home. chips’ support workers in the Online resale platforms like hospitality sector facing physical, ‘eBay and Vinted allow charity ‘mental, and financial issues. listings, or the ability to donate serves as an alternative to adding ‘proportional account balance a donation at the end of a bill, >| | ham! | Iallowing patrons to give more consciously. Chains including BrewDog, Gaucho, Hawksmoor, Rosa's Thai Cafe, The Coaching Inn Group, Catering Services International, and Hilton Hotels have joined the ‘movement. And some outlets have their own approach - coffee brand Grind sells ‘invisible toast’! Frequent flyer miles Some people struggle to redistribute their airline frequent flyer points before expiry, when work and family commitments prevent them from travelling. Luckily, you can make a difference with accumulated points. British Airways, Air France, and Virgin Atlantic, among others, allow you to donate an allocation of miles to worthy causes. Independent organisations such as Miles4Migrants also accept frequent flyer points as currency to support refugees. Ifyou're travelling locally or renting accommodation, Airbnb hosts can optionally donate profits to charity. For the adventurous, they also offer social impact experiences in your home city or around the world. This perk allows you to participate in unique experiences, with the non-profit host benefiting financially. Charitable experiences in London include walking tours and kayaking in local canals. Food bank donations Food bank donations are a widely known method of offering support. Rather than donating directly, supermarkets across the UK alleviate the challenging distribution process on your behalf. Many Tesco, Co-Op, Asda, Waitrose, and Sainsbury's branches provide drop-off points, ‘making itsimple for consumers ‘to donate items while completing their weekly shop. Similarly, certain Boots Pharmacy branches host hygiene banks, compiling donations of new beauty and toiletry essentials. Redistribution not only applies to food though. Zara, Uniqlo, and H&M stores collect clothing donations for redistribution or recycling, with Zara even offering home collections. For larger items, charities including The British Heart Foundation, Sue Ryder, or The Salvation Army offer furniture collections. makes it extremely simple to declutter and donate without leaving home, Next time you clean out a cupboard, consider the z= many ways this can help others. La positive pointers Browser extensions Certain browser extensions, or internet plug-ins, can accumulate charitable donations by performing simple activities, at no cost to you! Tabs for Good does this by displaying small advertisements on your browser tabs, and donating, 50% of the advertising revenue. Easyfundraising allows you to shop online with more than 7,000 brands that donate charitable commissions at no cost to users. Brands included are everything from supermarkets to travel booking services, and tech giants. Give as You Live is another alternative that offers a similar commission model. We can feel overwhelmed by huge numbers, fundraising goals, or organisational difficulties. ‘These factors can deter us from giving what we can, But always remember that every small donation makes a difference for people across the UK and globally. Hopefully, these methods outlined will support you in making your next thoughtful contribution.The pitfalls of people-pleasing Columnist Michelle Elman reveals her own people-pleasing past, along with valuable insight into how you can shake the need to be liked, in favour of the approval of the only opinion that should matter — your own Ym really honest, [used tobe a pushover. [remember when I ‘was training as a life coach, being asked what my greatest quality was, and I replied with ‘Ym reliable’ Itevolved into a conversation where, fundamentally, [believed that the only reason people were friends with me was because I always picked up the phone (after ‘one ring), would always turn up, and therefore it was nice to have someone in your life to fill the ‘empty chair at your events. Ittells ‘you quite a lot about where my self- ‘esteem was at the age of 20. Unfortunately, this will be the case for most people-pleasers. People-pleasers do not believe they have inherent value, and therefore they compensate (and sometimes, ‘overcompensate) by being ‘useful. ‘They believe people only love them for what they can give, rather than who they are because, at their core, they do not like who they are. ‘They wouldn't choose themselves without the added extras, so they | used to be a people pleaser: If 22_ Issve 74 |happitulcom writing | Michelle Elman assume others wouldn't either! And even if they would, they dare not riskit, because having a relationship end, whether it be romantic or platonic, would be devastating as it would confirm the unlovability they already feel within themselves. Itis not just about how much, they give to others though, itis also about how their opinions change with the wind, or depending on the company they keep, as they do not have a solid sense of self. They tend tobe scared of confrontation, as their greatest fear is to be disliked, ‘or even hated, and therefore they bend and adapt to the people in the room, They lose any sense of an identity, because when you spend your whole life caring what other people think, you forget to ask yourself for your own opinion. This is because it feels like it doesn't matter anyway, as you will exchange it for someone else's if ‘that means you will garner more favour, or someone will be more interested in you. Here's the harsh truth: even people-pleasers are disliked. You cannot immunise yourself from rejection, and ifyou interact with ‘enough humans, you will come across someone who distikes you. Some people will even dislike you without knowing you. The fundamental piece that you are forgetting is that there are people in the world who you dislike as well. It happens! You do not have to like everyone in this world, and therefore you are not owed the fact, that everyone wil like you. ‘What you need are boundaries, which are how we teach the world to treat us, and it’ the line between who the world wants us to be and who we actually are, When you earn boundaries, you also realise that what other people think of you is none of your business, One of my favourite boundaries is the phrase “You are allowed to think that’ Call me selfish for setting boundaries? You are allowed to think that. Hate my boundary? You are allowed to think that. Itis f‘not my job to change your mind, butitis my job to make sure I ‘continue to enforce my boundary, because the facts, you do not have to like my boundary in order to respect it. Setting boundaries hras.a way of figuring out who is. in your life for you, and for what ‘you provide them, and that's because when you say no, you will inconvenience some people. You will particularly inconvenience the people in your life who have become accustomed to taking advantage of you. Say ‘no more often, and see who sticks around. More importantly though, sit in the discomfort of saying no. That fear before the ‘words come out of your mouth, or the guilt that sits in your stomach after, is you unlearning, your people-pleasing tendencies. Ttmight bring discomfort, but instead I want you to focus on the positives. Find the small grain of pride in your body that you something different, tried something new, and stood up for yourself, and breathe into it. Letit — @MICHELLELELMAN —— When you spend your whole life caring what other people think, you forget to ask yourself for your own opinion grow and expand, and realise that thisis just the beginning! Once you start doing this, you will realise that losing the approval of others, and being disliked by some people, isn't as terrifying as you think, because while you are more likely to be hated with boundaries, you are much, much more likely to be loved by yourself. You won't need the approval of others because ‘you have the approval of you -and that’s far more important! Michelle Eiman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited ife coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happitutcom | sue 74| 28rowing up, Sam ‘Thompson shouldered labels, including ‘lazy’ and a bad student, that might be familiar to many who also struggled in school. “People would make these statements about me, and I remember crying in front of my a new lense Sam Thompson on ADHD Reality TV star turned presenter and content creator, Sam Thompson spent his childhood feeling like an academic failure when focusing on schoolwork didn’t come naturally. But, being assessed for ADHD. as an adult has put everything in a new light. “Wilting | Gemma Catvert textbook multiple times while trying to do homework, because ‘the information wouldn't go in and I couldn't focus” says Sam. “Other pupils were focused, but I physically couldn't concentrate, so people would call me stupid, or teachers would say Iwas disruptive. The word ‘application’ got used a lot too. [tried to ‘apply myself, but Ijust couldn't” ‘Now, Sams childhood struggles make sense. Last summer, as he neared his 30th birthday, the ‘Made In Chelsea star was assessed for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a neurodiverse condition estimated to affect » happitulcom| issue 74|25‘Sam Thompson: Is This ADHD?’ will be coming to E4 and All 4 this May. Follow Sam on Instagram @samthompsonuk 1.9 million UK adults, defined by inattentiveness, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness - classic behaviours that were all too familiar for Sam. “Tve always known there was something slightly different about me, but it’s only since I’ve started to ‘adult’ bit more that I've wanted to figure itout, because a lot of symptoms were getting worse,” says Sam, who allowed documentary ‘makers to follow his journey. ‘Sam invested more than nine months in filming, meeting doctors and professionals, others with adult ADHD diagnoses, as well as putting his own behaviours under the microscope with "20 or so hours” of therapy, a process he describes as “mentally exhausting”. “Tas nervous at the start because I knew it would involve tapping into alife of mine thata lot of people 26 issue 74 |happitulcom don't normally see,” says Sam, who, duringa decade on telly, has become famous for his creative, high-energy persona. But, to those closest to him, he is also known for impulsiveness, procrastination, spiralling in times of stress, forgetting appointments, as well as Iosing his car keys, and those of his, girlfriend, Zara McDermott. In EA's Sam Thompson: Is This ADHD?, which airs in May, Sam breaks down as he is diagnosed with ADHD, as well as autism and motor tics, specifically rapid eye blinking, which are not uncommon in people with ADHD. “When I got the diagnosis, it was weight lifted off my shoulders,” says Sam. “Thinking about the ‘way I was at school and with my girlfriend, I thought, ‘Tm not actually a bad person.” When I got the diagnosis, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders q (Crediting Zara for supporting him on his journey, Sam reveals that without his diagnosis, their four-year relationship would have been in jeopardy. “tm so grateful to Zara for being on the documentary, putting herself out there, being present and honest. The diagnosis has 100% strengthened us. “In the past, [d go through life thinking, ‘Am I just an arsehole? Why can't I always listen tomy girlfriend? Why aren't I present? ‘Why don't | ask questions, ask for context, and show I care?’ knew ‘my girlfriend wanted those things, Dut I wouldn't give itto her! He adds: “Before, I thought, ‘L cant listen, but now I know there's reason I struggle, its my duty to try to figure it out, and make it as good as it can be, The diagnosis has definitely strengthened our relationship, massively” ‘As Sam talks via video call from is home in west London, he raises a stress ball to the camera, “As I'm talking to you, I'm squeezing this,” he smiles. “Ive earned a lot of techniques to help ‘me, like to keep focused with daily ‘admin tasks, my counsellor gave ‘me alittle stopwatch. I now use timesheets to write down where Ineed to be and when, how I'm. puvypny sourf|be working on that too. And realised that he was right. “When [first met with the therapist, I didn't feel like there ‘was anything I needed to speak about at the time. Then I found ‘myself just talking and talking, and that seemed to unlock certain, thoughts within me. Afterwards, it felt so good and I felt so free, “I think therapy is great. It changed my mind. If you can try it, I would definitely say that it’s worth a go. [really enjoy itand find that ithetps me, alot.” happitutcom | isue 7453| How to respond to intrusive questions If someone crosses a boundary, is getting too personal, or makes you feel uncomfortable with their line of questioning, here's a helpful guide to navigating your response Cee ‘ouwere likely raised tobe Ty: That's an interesting question, polite to everyone. Its just Why do.you ask? good manners, right? But ‘what happens when courteous Consider whether you are conversation crosses the line? emotionally ready to answer. Whetherit’ an illadvised query Its normal to feel a sense of panic about sexuality, ora deeper ‘when a stranger, colleague, or interrogation about political even family member asks you leanings, there arecertain people to communicate something you who perhaps unknowingly ~ deem private. You might have a invade your emotional space. physical reaction (sweaty palms, Instead of automatically increased heart rate), as well as ‘ answering and regretting it later, _an emotional response (crying, Zz z here area few pointers on howto _asenseof dread), and thats navigate those dreaded intrusive nothing to be ashamed of. pressured into sharing, although questions when they arise. ‘Therapeutic counsellor Nora itis worth acknowledging that in Portnel suggests using these some cultures there may be no Pause before youact. signals asa way to determine your other option. Ifyou are choosing Startby tryingtogetasenseof the _abilityand willingness toengage not to answer, that doesn't mean other personis motives. Notonly inthe conversation. “Ask yourself, you need to respond abrupty. Try will this buy you afew minutes of ‘Whatam [feeling and where in these techniques: thinking time, butitalso transfers the body am [feeling it? Your + Be honest and divert the topic the weight of responsibility back emotions are signals telling you back to the other person. on tothe questioner to explain toact, move, or be still. Allow the fel abit uncomfortable talking why they feltthe need to ask. If emotions to guide you. They are about that, sod rather not get youire licky they may backtrack, your gut instinct.” into it. How are things with you? and realise they've acted out of + Deflect with humour if turn. Plus youll gently show Know that you have appropriate. them what tfeels like to be the right to say no. The story behind that iso Tonge questioned, which can open up _Just because someone asks you and boring, honestly, you'd regret, the conversation to an equal ‘question, does not mean you asking me! Can we tai about blend of sharing and listening. are obliged to respond. Dont feel something fun instead? $54 [Issue 74 | happifuicomFollow up by saying thank you to show that you appreciate them respecting your boundaries. Try to engage ina two-way conversation Ifyou are open to sharing your response, or for cultural reasons feel you must answer, Nora says that reflecting on their projet isa good place to start. Lets use anger as an example. “Ask yourself to consider why they feel angry” says Nora, “Is there a possible conversation you could have that ‘would get them to appreciate that your journey and theirs are separate?” You could point to a difference in age, gender, background, interests, or personality traits that mean they may never fully understand your choices. To de-escalate, are there any words or phrases that have calmed you in the past that might help them now? Ask for their perspective on the situation, and respect that everyone has a right to their opinion before you share yours. ‘Try: That's an interesting question. What are your thoughts on the matter? Or: I'm not sure what I think about that. How do you feel about the situation? positive pointers = loco ae eee cts pete eee’ Cae oT Tears Prioritise your safety. When approached by a stranger, you have a few options. Firstly, you could attempt to ignore the ‘question, pethaps choosing to walk away or put headphones in. Secondly, if with a friend, look to them for support in shutting down the conversation. ‘Try: Would you mind telling that ‘person that I'm having a bad day, ‘and don’t want to talk to anyone? ‘Thirdly, if you feel safe to do so, answer with compassion, and steer the conversation toa light hearted resolution. ‘Try: get that question a lo, but it’skind of personal. How's your day been so far? Upholding boundaries is an ongoing process, and one that can still catch you off-guard even after years of practice. Be kind to yourself as you figure itout, and dont forget to reflect on the times ‘when you share openly and get a positive response. Pat yourself on the back for doing the work! 1 Fiona Fletcher Reid isa freelance ‘writer and author, witose book, ‘Work It Out, is out now. Vise Fionalikestoblog.com: for more. happifulcom | Issue 7455Top 5 massage types for stress Feel ike you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders? Take a moment to give those muscles a rest with these massages designed to reduce stress Emre 1. Swedish massage What is it? Also known as ‘classic massage’, Swedish massage is the foundation of many massage types. Different techniques are used to ease muscular tension, so you leave the room feeling ike a cloud that’s had all its rain squeezed out. Why is it good for stress? ‘Swedish massage can reduce pain, encourage sleep, and offer you a moment of peace to truly switch off. Endorphins are also released during massage, gifting us a good mood, no matter what kind of day we've had. 2. Aromatherapy massage What is it? Aromatherapy massage uses gorgeous-smeliing essential oils to enhance the experience. While oils can be used in different types of massage, they're most commonly used with Swedish massage techniques. Why is it good for stress? Adding scents that promote rest (ike lavender, sandalwood, or clary sage) to a massage can help you slip into a deeper state of relaxation. This can lower stress in the moment, but can also have @ knock-on effect in the days after. What is it? If you're experiencing pain from muscle tension, deep tissue massage may be for you, Working on a deeper level, this massage targets particularly tense areas, helping to ease pain and encourage natural healing NAR pao) Carats Geeta) Senay Poca ers ee) ecco Why is it good for stress? Deep tissue massage can be intense, so may not fee! wholly relaxing at the time. The impact it has on relieving tension, however, is just as strong, helping you to feel lighter. 4, Hot stone massage What is it? ‘Ahot stone massage typically uses Swedish massage techniques, but with the addition of hot stones. The heat helps to relax muscles, so your massage therapist can work deeper on particularly stubbom knots Why is it good for stress? ‘The warmth radiating from the stones helps our tension melt like butter, in both body and mind. Making for a supremely cosy environment, hot stone massages should leave you feeling relaxed and ready for bed. CATE What is it? A technique originating in India, Indian head massage works with the different acupressure points on the head, neck, and shoulders. Working on bringing your energy into balance, this massage stems from Ayurveda, an alternative medicine system. Why is it good for stress? Working to ease tension in the neck and head, this massage can be especially helpful if you struggle with headaches. According to Ayurveda, mental and physical health are connected, so Indian head massage can have holistic benefits.felationships The great divide: when the sharing of parenting responsibilities isn’t equal While parenting may be one of the greatest jobs in the world, it's common to feel overworked and under-recognised. Part of this comes from an unequal split in the division of responsibilities, which can impact your partnership and connection. But it’s time to get this relationship back on an even keel ether it’ tackling the school run, remembering to get ‘more nappies, or helping with homework, being a parent isn't just about the fun stuff. Surveys, such as a poll by the University of Chicago Harris School of Public Policy and the Associated Press- NORC Centre for Public Affairs Research, suggest that when we plan to starta family, most of us are intent on dividing parental responsibilities 5/50. But, despite these good intentions, it doesn't often work out that way. While there are now so many different types of families, ‘many years ago, the traditional heterosexual family unit relied on mothers staying at home and taking on the overall parental responsibility. But things have changed, with the Office for National Statistics reporting the number of UK mums in work reached its highest level for 20 ‘years in 2022, with 75% employed. Even with both parents often, ‘working, the parenting load doesn't always level out. Research shows that, while it will obviously vary with individuals, the parental Joad is still more often on mums. In fact, the most recent census showed mums who worked still spent more time on unpaid household work and childcare (averaging 252 minutes per day combined) than men (158 minutes combined). But we can't forget about the “mental load’ either. Parenting requires us to keep a huge amount of information in our brains, from tackling school email remembering you need to buy clothes in the next size up. In one in five heterosexual families, this Toad is equally shared, but in the ‘majority i's not, according to a study by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, with 78% of respondents saying the mental Toad was always or usually’ leftto the mother. How does the parental labour divide affect relationships? ‘This split can impact both partners’ mental health, and even affect relationships, with half of couples arguing over parental responsibilities, according to a survey by ECLS-K. Its also been ked to lower relationship satisfaction and wellbeing, with a report by children’s charity happitutcom | sue 7457