INCONCEIVABLY

INSPIRATIONAL
INTERVIEW WITH
BLESSEDLY
BELLIGERANT
B. T. BONNER

CLASSICALLY
CAPRICIOUS COMIX

OUTLANDISHLY
OVERDONE
OUTSIDERS'
HANDBOOK

GLOWINGLY
GORGEORGOUS
G.O.M.; DUCKY
DONNA BYROM

QUAINTLY
COLOSSAL
COXVILLE ZOO

Cover:
AUSTIN SPRING
FASHION FORECAST:
a skunk on
each WHA Ttock?

Photo/Baker

MARCH, 1964

29c
 IN THE MERRY MONTH OF MARCH
Oh, lordy, March is really a fun-filled month! The op-
timists can look forward to spring vacation (three whole
days! Wow! Shall we organize a jaunt to Nassau?), or the
nostalgic can look back to that wonderful day, March 2,
which as we all remember was "Last day for filing in Reg-
istrar's Office petitions to take advanced standing and post-
poned examinations and re-examinations."
So really, the only thing of note in this month is the
publication of the not-soon-to-be-forgotten MARCH RAN-
GER AND HAIRY COMIX, a copy of which, if we can
judge by what you are reading, sir, is not far from hand.
This is the first issue published in entirety by the New
Rangeroos, the intrepid leader of whom is pictured below.

What's so funny here? Read it again, then!

In the March issue the Ranger breaks in a brand new

JOKE EDITOR, Bob Simmons. We spotted Bob walking
down Guadalupe one day, clad in a racoon coat and strum-
ming a banjo, and singing "Boola, Boola," and we knew
he was the man. Pictured here is Simmons testing a Ran-
ger joke on a would-be reader .

. . . as seen by her mom. . . . as seen by censon .

Featured in this issue is a bit of satire by the Ranger's

1964-65 heir apparent, Bryon Black ("But First, a Word
from our Sponsor"-p. 32). Bryon is a studious linguistics
devotee who, through constant study and unflagging at-
tention to his duties, is hoping to soon receive his Ph.D.
(see picture) .

Finl annual demonstration against peacef1.1I demonstrations.

As a further service feature to its readers, the Ranger

is sponsoring the first University of Texas annual All-
Purpose Protest March. Each demonstrator will be ex-
pected to provide his own sign or placard, on any subject
Studious llyron Black. he desires: "Down with Friday!" or "Beer in the Union"
or perhaps just "Shut Up." We will assemble peaceably at
We are sorry to announce that no contribution to the 3:00 on March 18 at 24th and Guadalupe (see page 26)
March Ranger has been forthcoming from President (of and then demonstrate like hell until the world knows our
the United States) Lyndon B. Johnson, even after all the viewpoints, or until some agitator breaks up the meeting
help he got from us in his 1960 campaign. We're sure this by suggesting that we all go get a beer. See you then!
is just an oversight, and he will surely be featured in the In the merry month of March,
Ranger's forthcoming Saturday Evening Post Parody. We held a protest march!
 Dear Hairy: Dear Hairy:
Ranger is very funny; if you could send us Heard about your delightful little lass, in a
something free which has been rejected or picture where the sunlight silhouettes her
unpublished, we'd really appreciate it. grand chest, covered only by a fine little linen
Something the Ranger might start, because blouse. For God's sake, kiss off trying to run
it is Strong and Powerful and Has a Man in it in your magazine and send glossies on the
the White House: some sort of syndicate exchange circuit. Better yet, send her on the
handling articles written by national humor- exchange circuit.
ists. What do you think? Shearer, Ed.
Alan M agary, Ed. UCLA Satyr
Blue Baboon (UCLA manages to get their magazine pub·
Middlebury College lished before their censors see it.-ed.)
(W e've got our own type of syndicate, thank Dear Hairy :
•
you-see page 19-ed.) It was a pleasure to include material from the

Dear Hairy:
• Ranger in our October college issue. Perhaps
you can do us a favor. Would you be so kind
Your magazine has some stories that have got as to send us copies of the Ranger and other
grammerically some bad scenes. University of Texas publications? We are
Yours Effronterily, planning to have a contribution from an un·
James H. Bryan dergraduate at the University in an early
P .S. It's very cold in Newfoundland and git Fall issue. Thank you, and I hope you will
pertier GOM's. be in touch with us.

•
To the idiotor of the Ranger-whoever that
Sincerely,
L awrence Linderman
CAVALIER magazine
may be this month: Your mag was its usual
quality- bad. Congratulations on not getting
worse (I bought this one!).
Hello darling,
•
It was with chagrin and quaking incredulity
Dammit, that "Beer Can Be Fun" story that we received your threat to cut us off
(Hell, we all know that, except for the from OUR LIFE BLOOD i.e., the Ranger.
WCTU, a few assorted de3ns, and other We were banned in '63-'64, and all earlier
Keepers of the Moral Code) was unusually issues of our mag were arbitrarily confiscated.
terrible. N ot a Pearl in the lot. Joyce Teitz, Ed:
Roy Beene U. of Cincinnati
Box 8262 Univ. Sta.

Dear H airy:
• (Come to Texas, baby-old Hairy will take
care of you.)
The Houston Chronicle is starting a student's
section in their Sunday magazine, Zest, and Dear Hairy:
•
I am campaigning to replace the usual "teen" My, but what a fine mag you have, yes,
( #%@*) claptrap with a more intellectual, indeedy, yes. So fine, in fact, that we would
satiric, individualistic spirit-in short, direct like to insure the continued corruption of oud
it more to the college student and let the staff to the extent that we crave repeated an
"teenager" follow if he will (and he will) . constant exposure to it i.e., we want a cop)
If you would be willing and have the time each time you print one. MY, yes, we w1l
to help me in this effort, I would be delighted. then be such jolly friends .... Ohhhhhhhh (I
Katherine Pope swoon).
Houston Chronicle Emory U. Phoenii
Bud Rosser
(Lady, don't use them big words around here. (THAT sounds like a letter to PLAYBOY.-
-ed) . ed.)

THE TEXAS RANGER is published once a month during return for all the kind things you've done for us, we'll
the months of September, October, November, Decem- give you a little hint. •t
ber, February, March, and April by Texas Student Pub- It's that MR. ZIP. Let's face it, Post Office, y_ou c•j1,
lications, Inc., Drawer D, University of Texas Station, expect the public to do anyhing THAT little fink te ol
Austin, Texas 78712. Subscription rate: $2.00 a year. them, can you? Look at him: fried-egg eyes, uneqlel
Single copy: twenty-nine cents . Volume 78, No. 6, length limbs, and GEE, what a square drawing st~rtg
March, 1964. Second-class postage paid at Austin, Why, the very sight of Mr. Zip whining and begg• 111
Texas. Reprint in whole or port by other than bona fide obsequiously for us to write our zip-codes make!ble!
college magaz:!nes is prohibited. want to make our addresses os obscure as poss• t "
Say there, Post Office, have you noticed that not an So here's whot you have to do, Post Office: 198 et
encouraging percentage of your customers have switched mascot with an air of AUTHORITY about him. Lei sh~-'
over to the habit of using their zip-code numbers? You -maybe a HAIRY COWBOY, toting a GUN! We
want to know why? Well, just as a personal favor, in one we'll RENT you for fairly low rates . . .

MARCH 19~
2
/ Quench Your Thirst
For Fashion

. .. with the most in spring wear

from The Toggery . . . the
light weight suit in this season's
all new lighter shades.
Hues of blue, gray and the ever
popular olive, with emphasis
on the light and cool appearance
for the enjoyable months ahead.
Satisfy your thirst for
fashion at The Toggery, distinctive
store for men.

·Ji6l~~cl;:. •lore~
2Hb GUADALUPE • GR 8·bb3b
/or men
Be w Ize I marlinize.

Now at TWO convenient locations

"Where the hell is the pencil sharp-

ener?"

Walking along a dimly-lighted

street, a gentleman was suddenly ap-
proached by a stranger moving out of
the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," said the stranger,
would you be so kind as to help a poor
unfortunate fellow who is hungry and
out of work? All I have in the world
is this gun."

•
The defense attorney was bearing
down hard: "You say," he sneered,
"that my defendant came at you with
a bottle in his hand. But didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"Of course," answered the battered
plaintiff. "His wife. Charming, of
course, but not much good in a fight."

•
Farmer Brown, disappointed with
the performance of his roosters (the
last of which had died the day be-
fore) , purchased a prize red rooster in
the hopes that the thoroughbred would
keep the hens a-laying. To his great
Peggy McCafferty KKT surprise and pleasure, the rooster not
James Co:iper only kept the hens fertile, but also the
Co-capt. UT track team ducks, geese, and wild turkeys that
roamed the area.
But alas, as the farmer return~
Special Martinizing Features from the market one day, he spied his
prize rooster sprawled out in the road.
• ONE-HOUR DRY Approaching the animal, he thought
CLEANING out loud, " It's a shame to lose such a
No Extra Charge fine rooster, but I halfway expected
it." At this, the rooster looked tow~d
• FAST LAUNDRY SERVICE the farmer, winked, motioned up JJl
the air and said, "Sh! Buzzards!"
In by 9-0ut by 5
510 w. 19th
next to fire station • LONG HOURS: Joe Massey ls Married
& 7 A.M.-8 P.M.
704 w. 29th Monday thru Thursday To James Ray Nowotny
next to the Rome Inn 7 A.M.-6 P.M. -Austin American
Friday and Saturday
The newlyweds will spend their
honeymoon in Sweden.

MARCH 19"4
 The
Short Cuts to casual good looks
~~
Genuine Madras Bermudas-ready to cast off for fun

Madras blouses go with poplin skirts like boats to water.

'll:nibtrsttp j,bop
2350 Guadalupe

TEXAS RANGER 5
 THE 9fATL£S

)I
..
/.. /
The most courteous greeting in the

COMING in MAY
whole world is in the Lustaferan lan-
guage, "Agsurap ekhos kecklapit
srumm." This lovely sentiment can-
not be translated into any other lan-

the POST :parody

guage, however, due to a law enacted
by the Lustaferian parliament .
•
A young woman went to the psy-
chiatrist. "Doctor when I'm in the
next room I develop a dreadful fear.
I'm so afraid I won't hear it if the
baby falls out of his crib. What can I
do about this?"
"Easy," said the .:loctor. "Just take
When you buy a Zale diamond . . . you get fine uality the carpet off the floor. "
in your diamond and award winning design in your setting.
You have the assurance that your diamond is one of the
n1ost beautiful in the world because it was chosen according
•
In a large hotel recently, an opera-
to Zale's high standards of excellence.
tor was about to close the doors of her
a. Maiestic styling sets the skyline solitaire apart from all
crowded elevator when a well-dressed,
others, 14K gold. $195 but tipsy gentleman pushed his way
b. Splendid highlight, Miracle Top solitaire in 14K gold. in. As the car started up he tried to
$150 turn around to face the door but was
c. Diamond elegance in this petite 4-prong solitaire, 14K wedged in so tightly he couldn't mov~­
gold. $250 The other passengers stared into his
bleary eyes with growing embarrass-
ment. Finally, when the strain beca~e
quite painful, the drunk cleared his
throat and remarked, "I expect you
wonder why I called this meeting."
•
A woman on a train suddenly
rushed up the aisle and embraced a
man sitting about five rows ahead of
her. Surprised, he turned around, re-
vealing himself as a complete
stranger.
The lady, embarrassed, stammered,
" Oh, pardon me, your head looks ex-
actly like my husband's behind."

Boarder Incidents
Recede, Says Israeli
~ZALE'S
~..JEWELE~S
-The Daily Texan
But roomers are flying ...

MARCH J96'+
6
 Austin's Own Big Four
Monroe Lopez and his staff take pride
in their reputation for serving the finest
Mexican food in Austin. The Big Four
have become a traditional part of Uni-
versity life because students have en-
joyed the delicious Mexican dinners, the
perfectly prepared side orders, and ten-
der fried chicken from their first registra-
tion week to the time they bring their kids
back for football weebnds.
Become a part of this tradition. Enjoy Mother: "Do you like your new
Mexican food as only the Big Four can nurse, Jimmy?"
prepare it. Jimmy: "No, I hate her! I'd like to
grab her and bite her neck like Daddy
does!"

•
"Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the
kind old lady. "It must be dreadful to
be lame. But it would be much worse
if you were blind."
"You're absolutely right lady," said
1601 Guadalupe 504 East Avenue To Go-GR 7-8744 912 Red River
the beggar: "When I was blind, peo-
ple kept giving me foreign coins."

•
A doctor was awakened in the mid-
dle of the night by the telephone.
"Come quickly," said a voice, "this
is an emergency."
The medic could get no more details
but finally convinced the worried cal-
ler to come to his office.
Soon the doorbell rang and the doc-
tor put on his bathrobe and hurried
to answer it. He flung open the door
and faced a man on whose head stood
a pelican.
"Say, Doc,'' asked the pelican, "can
you get this thing off my feet?"

The American-Statesman's hap-

piest-ending news story of 1963:
WORCESTER, Mass. (AP
Feel tired and run down? Night watchman Dennis
Tsourides, making h i s
Then hurry down San Jacinto to Scholz Garten, UT's oldest and rounds at the bakery heard
refreshingest hangout. Make it yours too.
noise in the shipping room
and went to investigate. He
found a boy about 18 head·
ing for the door with a lem·
on pie in his hand.
1607 San Jacinto Tsourides tried to s t o P
him and caught the pie full
UT's oldest and "1'efreshing-est" rendezvous in the face. The bo)'
escaped.
MARCH 1964
8
 Many, many years ago, when knighthood was in flower, University of Texas
Sir Lancelot was riding through the merry hills of Eng-
land on a huge St. Bernard dog. On this particular day, Hui - la - ha - loo Hoo - ray
night was fast approaching, and a storm was brewing. Hui - la - ha - loo Hoo - ray
Sir Lance halted his canine at the first inn he came to H-o-o-r-a-y H-o-o-r-a-y
and asked for a night's lodging. With many apologies, the Varsity, U - T - A.
innkeeper told him that all available space was taken.
The storm had broken in earnest now, rain spattering off
his armor and lightning flashing through the sky. The St.
Bernard plodded on, from inn to inn, but the same sad
tale awaited Lance at each stop. Finally at the last shelter
before the lonely moors, Sir L. begged for a dry corner.
"It pains my very soul," replied the innkeeper, "but
even the hearth is occupied."
Heaving a sigh of despair, the valiant knight prepared
once more to mount his patient St. Bernard, as thunder
rolled from hill to hill.
Moved by this pitiful sight, the innkeeper shouted,
"Very well, Sir Lancelot, come back and stay in my room.
I couldn't send a knight out on a dog like that."
•
"Doctor, doctor," called a man frantically, "come quick.
My wife sleeps with her mouth open and just now a mouse
ran down her throat."
"I'll be over in a few minutes," said the doctor. "Mean-
while, try waving a piece of cheese in front of her mouth
and maybe the mouse will come out."
When the doctor arrived at the man's apartment, he
found him in front of his wife's prostrate form desperately
waving a six-pound flounder. "What's the idea?" said the
exasperated doctor. "I told you to use a piece of cheese.
Mice don't like flounder."
"I know, I know," gasped the man. "But we've got to
get the cat out first."

An A & M lab technician was assigned the task of

providing an exhaustive study about fleas. He painfully
trained a medium sized flea to hop over his finger every
time he said "Hup." Then he pulled off two of the flea's
six legs. "Hup," he shouted. The flea jumped over his fin-
ger. Off came two more legs. "Hup," repeated the tech-
nician. Again the flea jumped. Then he removed the flea's
final pair of legs. "Hup!" No response. "Hup!" Still none.
The technician nodded sagely, and wrote in his report:
"When a flea loses all six of its legs it becomes deaf."
•
A doctor was on duty in a state medical bureau in the
Blue Ridge Mountains district when a mother entered
with a husky, tough-looking son of about sixteen and
promptly proceeded to nurse him, to the consternation of
the entire staff.
"My dear lady," sputtered "that boy is too big to be
nursed. You should have weaned him long ago."
"I know," admitted the mother sadly. "But every time I
try, he throws rocks at me."
•
The evil traffic cop stopped the unsuspecting out-of-state
motorist and said· "I'm going to give you a ticket for driv-
ing without a tail light." The motorist got out to investi-
gate and set up a wail of dismay. "Aw," said the fuzz, it's
not that serious. The motorist explained, "It's not my tail
light I'm worried about. What's become of my trailer?"

TEXAS RANGER 9
TWO The Texan and his wife, attending
an oilmen's convention, were in their
BIRDS hotel room, dressing. The wife sud-
denly discovered she had left her
girdle at home and sent her husband
WITH out to buy a replacement. He walked
in to a lingerie store and told the clerk
ONE what he wanted. "Do you wanna
Playtex?"
"Not now-just give me the girdle."
STONE •
Lady: "Are you the young man
who jumped in the river and saved my
little son from drowning when he fell
through the ice?"
First Man: "Yes, Ma' am."
Lady: "All right, where's his mit-
A PLEASANT tens?"
•
SURPRISE The fellow entered an almost empty
bar and ordered an Old Fashioned,
and told the bartender to fix up the
for- guy at the other end of the bar so he
wouldn't be drinking alone. Finish-
SO MEO NE ing his drink, he told the barkeep,
"Another of the same, please, but
leave the fruit out of it this time."
YOUR "Ah, go to Hell! " screeched the
little guy at the other end of the bar,
PORTRAIT "I never asked for a drink in the first
place!"
•
A drunk lying on the floor of a bar
began to shown signs of life, so one of
the customers smeared a little limbur-
ger cheese on his upper lip. The drunk
arose slowly and walked out of the
Second door. In a few minutes he came back
in. Then he went out again, only to
A PERSONABLE return in a few more minutes.
Shaking his head with disgust he
PHOTO TO MEET said. "It's no use, the whole world
stinks."
THE CHALLENGE •
"The laundry made a mistake an.d
sent me the wrong shirt. The collar is
OF JOB PLACEMENT so tight I can hardly breathe."
"No. that's your shirt all right, but
All From the One Sitting you've got your head through a but-
ton hole."
AT •
The patient was near death, but his
family asked the doctor to keep t?e
patient's spirits up. The doctor, "?th
false heartiness, consoled the dying
man with phrases such as : "You'll be
up and around in a week. In a few
weeks you'll be back on the golf
course." After an hour, even the doc-
tor was sure the patient would pull
through. .
1306 COLORADO DIAL GR 2-2567 AUSTIN All the doctor's efforts were in vain,
however. In parting, the doctor no-
YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO USE OUR BUDGET
ticed the narrow door and remarked,
PLAN FOR THE PURCHASE OF YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS "How they're going to get the casket
out of this door, I'll never know!"
 Student Magazine of The University of Texas
MARCH 1964 and for the Ladies in Lubbock

Editor-in-Chief: PAT BROWN

Associate Editor: GOWEN J.
Art Director: GILBERT SHELTON Freedom Now! -- --- ·· ·-······- ·······-········--····-···· ··----·-'····---··---- ----------··- 12
Circulation Mgr.: DAVID HAYNES A candid interview with integrationist B. T. Bonner

Exchange Editor: JACK JACKSON HAIRY COMIX ······-·------ ·- ····-- ·-·-- --··-- -- --·---········-·····-···----··-·· ···--·--·- 15
Joke Editor: BOB SIMMONS A booklet of funnies for the Slapstick Sixties
Byron Black
Vin Scheihagen Girl of the Month: Donna Byrom- -·-·-··----·--·--··-·-··-· -· ····-··--·····----- -- 27
UT's own Bella Donna
Lieuen Adkins
Ronnie Baker An Outsiders Handbook ·· ···-·----·· ··········· ·- ··········--·-····· ·--········-···· · 30
Philip Trussell C lubs for the wretched refuse of UT' s teeming shores
Shelby Kennedy
Bob Vasek But first, a Word From Our Sponsor-- ····· --·- ----·-· ···· -·· --·- ····· ······- ····· 32
Dennis Dick And a four -letter one back to him .
Roy I. Mumme
Mary Ruth Magruder The Coxville Zoo ····-·· ·-·· ·· ····· -······· ·-·- ···- -·-· ····· ··- ······--- -··· ·········----· · 34
Nobody We went to the animal fair, the b irds and the beasts were bare ...

A REGULAR SATURDAY NIGHT MEETING OF THE HAIRY RANGER PHILOSOPHICAL

AND STIMULATING IDEAS DISCUSSION GROUP AND THEOLOGICAL FORUM

TEXAS RANGER II
 FREEDOM NOW!

Bright and early one Sunday morn- vention, a counterpart to FFA and Frat pitch. "I thought a man's a fool
ing several weeks back, several Ran- FHA conventions held everywhere to not to want to join an organization
geroos bundled into a borrowed car discuss vital issues of the day in farm that all a man has to do is say, 'I'm an
packing along a borrowed tape re- management. That was Booker's first Alpha,' and everybody says, 'OH!' "
corder, a couple of borrowed tapes, disagreement with Authority-sub- "During Hell week, everybody was
and several privately financed hang- ject: Jersey Cows." The ideal milk cow blindfolded and they wanted to whip
overs. Off they went down East 19th was supposed to be built a certain on you. There was nothing much I
street, map and head in hand for an way, and if she was built this way she could do, there were two big guys
other Ranger-ty pe interview. They gave this amount of milk and that, holding you. So I went home. I didn't
rousted their quarry out of hisSunday- and we had a milk cow that was not get much sleep that night and the next
morning-on-the-couch-with-funnypa- built that way and she gave more milk morning told the fraternity advisor
pers-and-coffee, plugged in their ma- for being built that way than she was that it took me a long time to get
chine (you guessed it, they used his supposed to for the way she was built. angry but now I didn't want to join.
outlet.) and settled back for a long It was much the same way with chick- He was going to embarass me saying
sesszon with civil rights crusader ens .... We had a lot of ideal chickens I was a coward and that I wasn't a
Booker T . Bonner, candidate for that I never saw near a nest." man. I said that if taking a whipping
County Commissioner and, but for After high school, now in Houston, proves that one is a man then Negroes
Spanish courses, graduate of the Uni- Booker joined the army in January of should have proven to white people by
versity of Texas. '46, from which he was honorably dis- now that they are really men because
charged, having seen duty in Korea, they have been taking a hell of a
Our first question, a most prosaic and having received injury in the per- whipping from them."
one-where were you born, raised, formance of his service to his country. "Later on the issue of changing the
educated, and the like-informed us "I got hurt a couple of times . ... dis- name of the school came up, at that
that Booker was born in a farmhouse mounting tanks." time it was named Texas State College
3 miles from Wallis, Texas, on Sept. "I never was an athlete. Dad was an for Negroes, and there was a lot of agi-
6, 1927. He first went to a one-room exceptional baseball player. When I tation about that last phrase, but I
country school 14 feet by 29 feet with go home this is what I got my face figured what the hell, we are Negroes
seven grades and three windows. Each washed with, 'You'll never be the and let it go at that. Well· anyway,
grade taught the other in turn; the baseball player your daddy was!' Like, some smart legislator down in Austin
third grade the first, the seventh grade who gives a damn?" had decided that we would change the
the fifth, and so on. Later the school With the G.I. Bill, Booker decided name from Texas State to Texas
board added four more windows (one to got to Texas Southern. At the time Southern, the reason for this being
window per grade) . he entered school, the leading Negro that the mail gets mixed up with the
"The history book that I had in fraternity on campus was looking for University of Texas. Now I said that
1939 did not have the last administra- some pledges. Booker commented that somebody was lying, and why? We
tion of Woodrow Wilson in it. The although he was elected President the piled in a car, having raised $12 for
teacher seemed to remember some- second week of his membership, it was the trip, came up here in the middle
thing from that part and that was my due primarily to the fact that every- of that freeze in January 1951, not
first experience with class notes and body else had graduated. At first he knowing anybody nor where to go.
lectures." had not been interested in joining, but Well, the next morning we went down
Booker later moved to Jefferson, his roommate at that time offered to to the State Capitol and that was JIJY
Texas, where he soon became a school lend him the money to join even first experience with newspaper re-
leader. He was sent down to Prairie though the roommate did not belong porters. That night I was sitting ther~
View as a delegate to the N.F.U. con- to that fraternity. There was the usual trying to figure out how in the worl

MARCH 1964
12
An Informal Interview with Booker T. Bonner By Gowen J.

we could win this argument when for "Boy, when this cat got through again began to become angry.
some reason, maybe it was Divine cutting out the sensible parts of that "I fought for this country. I thought
Guidance, I picked up Webster's In- letter and leaving in the background, to myself, I ought to sit right down in
tercollegiate Dictionary and looked at it was a long letter, maybe two or this damn door and let people hear my
the back of the book. There was a list three pages, well this guy grabbed arguments."
of colleges and in New York State certain parts of this letter and cut out "I talked it over with my wife, the
there were twenty-three New York parts of it out and made me sound first thing that she said was that I
State Teachers Colleges. That was the like a ranting raving maniac. And could get killed that way and that this
name of all twenty-three of them. I maybe that was the first time that the was supposed to be non-violent. I said
knew it was futile to try and ask the newspapers branded me a radical." that I knew that but if somebody tried
woman who rented us our room to Leaning back, Bonner remarked, to shoot our little boy I would get in
borrow the dictionary, she was one of "And I pledged myself never to write the way and this was my way of get-
those women who counted the threads another letter-to-the-editor." ing in front of the gun, and I said that
after you left, so I reminded them that After a while Bonner moved up to I was going to try to learn how to be
all they (the legislators) had to do was Austin, his wife enrolled in Houston non-violent.''
look in the back of that dictionary Tillotson, and as they did not have "So then I brought it up in front of
'There are, I said, twenty-three N .Y. certain courses in psychology there, the SDA group, and they thought
State Teachers Colleges, there are four Booker enrolled in the University of maybe this cat just wants publicity,
of them in New York City alone. You Texas. While at the University he met and did I have to be the person to do
don't ever have a complaint that their a number of people involved in the it? I said no, but I didn't want to see
mail gets mixed up. Now you are integration movement and protest or- anybody half do it, and ano1her thing
either telling me that the New York ganizations such as Students for . . . some nut might drive by there
Post Office is so advanced over the Direct Action. During this time, just with a scatterbarrel shotgun and blow
Texas Post Office, which it seems before he became involved with any your brains out some morning and I
gets mail from Austin and Houston of these groups, a petition concerning don't know if I have the right to ask
mixed up, or somebody is lying.' We the Cowboy Minstrels was passed anyone to do it when I conceived the
had tossed the ideas about and had around. idea."
come up with one distinction between "The way I had always thought of "I had heard a lot of arguments
Texas and other states with State the Cowboy Minstrel type thing or the about why segregation should exist.
schools, they were all white. They nigger joke type thing was," here You know other than the canned ones,
didn't want Texas State named for a Booker paused, "I always knew what and most of the ones I heard out there
Negro School." we referred to as 'Paddy Jokes.' And were, I'll admit, just canned ones. But
Booker went on to relate that he had I had always figured that the thing for every now and then some character
never ceased to dislike the newspapers the Negro students at UT to do was to would come up with something that
after that trip up here because while have a Paddy Minstrel. And all the would bear a little thinking about. I
he had said, 'There ARE twenty-three Negroes paint their faces white and finally realized that all my life all of
teachers colleges, they reported Bon- chew tobacco ... . and really make it my arguments had been designed to-
ner said there are twenty-three, "You ole Kaintucky." ward a complaint about segregation.
know, like .. . maybe that ain't true," After a while, Booker lost his orig- I got a chance to pay a little more at-
Bonner said. nal disdain for some of the people tention to this non-violence thing, it
Bonner said that he had gotten mad who were picketing the theaters on sort of made sense. I started accepting
and made his second mistake . . .. writ- the Drag and begain to protest along it. Another thing I realized, you read
ing a letter to the editor of the Hous- with them. One night, after an inci- about the things that were going on in
ton Post around March of that year. dent in front of the theater, Bonner (Cont. on p. 38)

TEXAS RANGER 13
 STUDENT ELECTIONS 1964: A HAIRY PREDICTION

Tri-Defis gather to cast votes for sorority sister running for Education "What's that? You'll give me back my son
Assemblyman. Rep Party slate?"

Candidate "You play along with with

his side. don't get a vote!"

MARCH 1964
14
THE SAD STORY OF GEORGE AND THE BULLY ON THE BEACH
WAAT lliE tftLL, G.fORGE, WM#.1'5 youKNOW WttAT f~Ut> 9.Y'!> - lHE.
SOME 250-POUlolt> J\l.L. "'THIS SQPY- BVILDlt-16- STUFF OVER.- f:l1Fflh51%//i& OF 111E. 50-
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5oMl!llllMG- HIDPi;.l'f IN "THE .SUBCOt«:JOUS
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ARE 11i1WC:ING-? I WISK I KAO A
NO~ 80PY &.iice 611.8E~.:S!)

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TEXAS RANGER 17
 MARCH i9M
18
 _..
'!MN, A·GPHc; tflttRs' A l.OcM.. ~.
'NITH 9Atao CASES,AND••

1T'5 THt! BtGINNfNG OF

T~e lAWttsS DECADE IN
AUST! N, "THE COM ING- OF THE MERANGSTERS!

_,... -

TEXAS RANGER 19
20 MARCH J91A
 ll.
TEXAS RANGER
 11'e Sc:.w.: The OFr1ce a"lfte °**'Y 1*x
(The.Dabesf Coll~e °"''Y .In 1ht. ~ltm~),
~ See Sualle, Mt/4 M:J11~ H-8.AH M:
(Who ~ Acf-uat\y S.,..$ 9 w,, ~~ ~lte:Je-

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Jot11'1'utl!J'I- Hard A- hbrl:- •• ••

Anti 14///h A AbJ1c P/tNrl

!Ind A Fhur1sh • • •

MARCH 196'+
22
 23
TEXAS RANGER
 {(,"'160.!NI 71tES~ #.lfS HAVE. GdNE 1'lJ(J
n4sr! HE Sf/I He /VAS u~/NG 7lJ RelrtJ!q!-
111£ 5TUfJENT-Gl.EtTE/J ./»llf4' »XilN
6011fM4HIP/ w1111r CM~. PtJ/ IF !JIJLY
CtJQ/..P RNP A 611/NrGAT- ••

MARCH 1964
11,750

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.take oft your shirt c~i. 111 • 1 .._l'f.u.

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eg in so simple and cheap a form that all can now see
t e jondcrs of this new end greatest discovery. You
can ook throi:igh the human ftesh, wood, or stone.
Make ssoo to s2000 a
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notwes. . W1ndow . pane - with this instrument . Sec press
Prk1, size No. t, 50e.; No. i, t1 .50; No. 3t b .sa; prepaid
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Week EXTRA operating this

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:rdwoded to n.e U 1a1u,DM1~ .......... ~
ing your words, hating yourself, etc. Illus-
tr ations inc luded. Start the ~rogram no~t ! ........ II
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ARI YOU ASHAMED
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IT MUST WORK FOR YOU OR MONEY BACKI t than prof'9r ue. •

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25
TEXAS RANGER
 TODAY!
ANNOUNCING THE FIRST ANNUAL
RANGER ALL-PURPOSE PROTEST MARCH!

Downtrodden students, here's your

chance to air your gripes, vent your pent-
up emotions, or just make a fool of your-
self. It's all in the good old Hairy hell-
raising tradition. All causes are welcome:
protest inequality, equality, death, taxes,
protest marches, or just carry a sign saying
"I'm a good guy." The march will take
place on Wednesday, March 18 (if this
magazine comes out on schedule, that
should be today), at 3 :00 right out on 24th
and Guadalupe. So, come one, come all,
bring your own signs, your pies, and your
grievances. And down with EVERY -
THING!
 tj
0

,....-:· ... '

GJ
 Although March's G.O.M. was raised as an air force brat,
she has both feet on the ground here at UT-Donna is a real
book worm, and her favorite subject is-wonder of wonders-
government! She's a Plan II sophomore, so she'll be with us for
a while yet. We hope this information won't spark a mad rush
for government courses next semester.
Donna tells us that her father is an exercise advocate, who
makes his family exercise each morning. This, we understand,
is why Donna has such a healthy form. Let's hear it for
exercise!
Photography by Bob Vasek
 By Jack Jackson and Dennis Dick

AN OUTSIDERS' HANDBOOK
A List for our Huddled Masses, Longing to Belong ...

UNIVERSITY CHRONOLOGY GROUP

The members of this organization are the "observers ," who notice and
remark upon th., passage of tim e. By showing concern, they make the
passage of t ime important. " Like night watchmen who keep the world
preserved in the mystic ho urs from sunset t o dawn, so d oes the Chronology
Group tie one semester to the next."
Occasional ritual observances are performed to solemnize a particular
moment and t o make acti vity seem worthwhile. Members point out that
noti ng the passa ge of time is much better than being apathetic; thus the
club motto: " Look-Wait- Appreciate!"
Thi s club is often mistaken for the Student Assembly.

THE DEAF SMITH COUNTY CLUB

This student organization meets in the Chuckwagon and in local taverns
to organize parties, to drink, to get rides ba ck to Deaf Smith County for
the holidays, a nd to remin isc e.
In the Deaf Smith County Club , the "social side" of University life is
emphasized. The club is sma ll but active; meetings are daily . As "Hunk"
Akins says , "Ain't there nobody but me from Deaf Smith County?"

THE CARRILLION CLUB

A group of amateur musi ci an s who like to ring bells are invited each
d ay to practi ce on the Tower caril lon. The fun lies not only in the ringing
but the selecting of tunes, of which a t ypical day's repertory includes
"There Is Nothing Like a Dame," "Fugue in E Minor," and "Wh en Lilacs
Last in the Door-yard Bloom'd." The concert s receive lengthy plaudits from
the cam pus, especial ly from students who listen to the tun es while
finishi ng their 12 :00-1 :00 exami nations.
No experience is necessary.
MARCH 19 64
30
 SUPERIORITY INGROUP CLUB
Inconsequential people can become snobs simply by becoming a member
of this group. Belong ing assures confidence, contentment, augmented
pride, and, ultimately, a glow of transcendent superiority.
At meetings, members may paint, write, talk, sing, or just sit, for which
they receive overwhelming applause and praise. The remainder of the
meeting time is spent disparaging non-members and formulating in-group
jokes {like "Jane has five problems now!" or "Ha, ha! My father is the
clerk at the Mark Hopkins Hote l!") .
Membership selection is based on appearance, talent, service, "sharp-
ness," ethnicity, scholastic achievement, wealth, and money.

THE YOUNG WELCHERS

This conservation reaction action group dedicates itself to preserving
professors' class lectures for posterity-each member must own a portable
tape recorder (not to be confused with the Austin Recorder Society).
A Young Welcher is distinctive and easy to spot in his straight collar and
beaver hat.

THE HIGH DIVERS

This group has been one of the few stable clubs on campus. Although
there is a constant turnover in membership, the members always seem to
be intense and dedicated.
The group meets only once a semester in the Main Building, and airs its
concerns on the observation deck of the tower, preferably the last three
days before final examinations. These group meetings are characterized by
a carefree abandon.

31
TEXAS RANGER
By Byron Black Illustrated by Shelby Kennedy

BUT FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

That particular day had been es- "Well, if it isn't the man on the "Hey, Harv, tell 'im about the real
pecially difficult for Leonard Ball, a ball, Lennie Ball! Hi· Lennie, come sit bear," growled one of the more distant
normal, nondescript man who had a with u s and have a dinner or two!" He members of the party, out of the alco-
tiny, uninteresting job with a large waved a huge paw toward an empty hol and nicotine dusk.
oil company in New York, and as he chair at the table, which was thick "Don't tell me you tried that thing
walked into Mickey's Bar he wanted with cocktail glasses and whiskey bot- on a real bear," asked Leonard, his
nothing more than to drown his sor- tles. interest aroused somewhat.
rows in Plasma Marys (vodka and Leonard saw no chance of escape "Hell, we didn't have to," said Har-
pineapple juice) in the smoky privacy and decided to take it like a man ; vey Wiseman. "We'd gone to the
of a bar stool. But no such luck was maybe, he thought, I can get myself trouble to train one of the buggers to
due Leonard that night. He walked really loaded and go on the blink be- use it, for a two-minute ad on one of
into the bar, looked briefly around to fore their influence has time to sink the biggest network shows. Had the
make sure there was no one he should in. "Thanks, Harvey. Hello, gentle- thing trained to shave a grape, and
recognize, and stopped dead. His jaw men." then itself, to show that it wouldn't
dropped as he saw, right in front of The others smiled dimly through damage even the tenderest skin, while
him sitting with a pack of oily-look- the alcoholic fog and half-heartedly it would mow down the toughest
ing advertising men and women, an mumbled something, which for all beard with no trouble whatsoever."
enormous grizzly bear, shaving him- Leonard knew could have been a reci- "Do grapes ordinarily grow a
self with an electric razor. tation of Buddhist sutras for the dead. beard?" asked Leonard doubtfully.
Leonard closed his mouth and "Hey , Len, I bet you wonder why Harvey ignored him. "Had a kind
backed slowly away, trying to find a I've got this bearsuit on, don't you?" of problem at first with the grapes,
place to escape the ridiculous scene asked Harvey Wiseman. though. The bear ate 'em all. Seems
being enacted in front of him. But Leonard choked down the desire to he had a fixation on grapes, or some-
there was no hope as the bear spotted say something appropriately dirty thing, and every time we gave hiz:1
Leonard, waved a big friendly grubby with a gulp of drink, and replied one to shave he popped it into his
paw in recognition, and removed its ' 'veakly, "Why, yes, of course. What's mouth and swallowed it. Finally fixed
head. Leonard blinked as he recog- it for, a Halloween party?" It was him, though, by giving him one of
nized the balding pate and sagging January 20. those wax grapes like they use in de·
jowls of Harvey Wiseman, a televi- "Hell, no, Lennie, can you imagine, corations. Didn't take the bugger long
sion advertising man of long, dreary, we're actually using this costume to to find out how edible th.at was!" he
and painful acquaintance, to whom advertise this new model Superthrust snickered. "After we got him to do
Leonard had been shackled socially Jetcomb electric razor. Isn 't it a work that, we had him shave himself. ~
through marriage: Harvey Wiseman of art?" he commented sarcastically, we tried, that is," he comment
was Leonard's brother-in-law. Leon- holding up in one paw a shiny metal grimly.
ard wished fervently that it had been object about as big as a pencil sharp- "What happened, don't bears worry
a real grizzly instead of Harvey in a ener, which Leonard dutifully as- about five-o'clock shadow?" asked
bear suit. sumed was an electric razor. Leonard calmly, his mettle trebled by

32 MARCH 1964
the second drink he had inhaled in the source of delight for the other. "But endorsing them. Then there was the
short time since entering the bar. the bear thing wasn'tthe worst of our youth problem, when parents began
Harvey Wiseman looked at him ir- problems. At least we caught that one burning up the mails demanding to
ritably, and continued. "Trouble in time. What about the ones which know what the hell we were doing
was, the bugger didn't know how to go on the air and then bring in a flood using young people for models, and
use the thing right, and the first time of letters to the sponsor, our client?" luring America's youth into depraved
we tried it he cut the hell out of him- "Does that really happen,'' asked habits like smoking. Kee-rice, Who do
self. Oh God, what a mess that was, Leonard, egging the other on. "Do they expect us to use for a model,
blood and hair all over the studio floor, people really write letters saying how Boris Karloff?"
and that bear dying in front of our much they enjoy your commercials?" "Yeah, but you have to admit that
eyes, bleeding like a-almost started "No, Len my boy, not at all. Why, the unconscious effect of some of these
to say 'stuck pig,' but I guess more like from something as innocent as that commercials is pretty strong, Har-
a ruined bruin." He paused for the coffee ad where we showed the pot vey,'' commented a man who could
sacramental lifting of the cup, and pouring a cupful of coffee, and then have been Harvey Wiseman's twin
drained the umpteenth of how many keeping on pouring until half a cup except that he was carrying more bag-
martinis. "Of course, the first thing more ran up magically out of the cup gage under the eyes, and had a little
we had to do was find a veterinarian, -you remember that one, Lennie?" pencil mustache. "How about the
to patch the monster up. And you "Yep." toothpaste affair, Harv? You remem-
can't imagine how low the population "Well, after running that one for ber that?"
density of bear veterinarians is in the two weeks we had half the housewives Harvey Wiseman winced.
middle of Radio City. Then we had to in the nation, sleepy and hung over "Sure you do, Harv,'' came the
call in a battery of lawyers to patch in the morning, pouring half a potful piercing voice of a woman sitting at
up the trainer, who was screaming at of boiling coffee in their husbands' the far end of the table. She smashed
the top of his lungs how his baby, all laps, thanks to what they claimed was a cigarette out of existence and leaned
eight hundred and fifty pounds of the 'unconscious effect' of our com- forward, saying deliciously, "That
him, was dying in front of his very mercial." was the one where we said that our
eyes, and assure the man that he "But at least you had a product product is for people who couldn't
would be amply paid for whatever which everybody used and liked," brush their teeth more than once a
damage resulted to his child." commented Leonard, referring to the day, or week, or month, or something.
"Did you ever get the bear to use lack of popularity his firm's products People ran out and bought the stuff,
your product again?" asked Leonard. enjoyed. and began cleaning their teeth just
"Yes, that was the hell of the "Oh sure, that was, but you should about once every time the sun
thing," Harvey Wiseman went on. see some of the things we get. Like the eclipsed, and half the country was
"The animal got to where he like to one for toilet paper. Can you imagine walking around with breath smelling
use the machine; I mean it got a real having to do a TV commercial adver- like the inside of a cave. Cavities were
thrill out of using it, and it shaved tising toilet paper? Jeez, we couldn't eating up the teeth of American chil-
itself naked as a baby. And, my God, even call it that. We had to eliminate dren, forcing people to buy full sets
what a sight," he paused for a drink, all such words like toilet, bathroom, of false teeth for eight-year-olds, and
"have you ever seen a naked, hairless paper, and all that, and invent a nice all the dentists in the country sent
bear? That poor beast looked like he cozy set of terms which even a babbl- telegrams to us, to the food and drug
was dying of the mange. Of all the ing idiot would know what we meant, people, and to our client, who was the
horrible, pitiful sights in the world, and yet use names like "Pretty Petal- least happy of all."
and God knows we couldn't use that Pink Blossom Bouquet' for the red "And I'll bet,'' said Leonard tipsily,
in a commercial to be broadcast na- rolls, and "Soft Snow Winterfresh "that sales fell down around zero after
tion-wide, which children and every- White Morning Tissue' for the regu- the first run on the stuff."
body would see." lar rolls. You can imagine the kind of "That's right,'' continued the wom-
"Right. Wouldn't want to lose the letters that brought in. Like, have you an. "People would make one tube last
child market for electric razors,'' ever seen a bathroom on television a year, and the company just about
agreed Leonard forcefully. which had a commode? Hell, no, you went around the bend."
Harvey Wiseman went on unheed- haven't, Lennie, and you won't, "I remember that terrible thing
ingly. "So finally you know what that either. Foreigners who come to Amer- with the soap,'' said Harvey Wise-
damn bear did, right in front of the ica must get the impression that peo- man, anxious to forget the toothpaste.
cameras? He electrocuted himself ple on television don't do anything as "You know, the white-of-whites
With our clients product. Killed him- nasty as going to the bathroom, and thing, where our client's product
self, right in front of the cameras. Oh, that stuff we sell is only good for washes something which just dazzles
thank God the commercial was wiping the dew out of a maiden's beside the competitor's product. Can
taped." misty eyes." you imagine, the 'Brand X' we were
Leonard chuckled joyfully. Seeing "You've got a problem, all right·" using, some cheap cruddy laundry
Harvey Wiseman dressed in a bear said Leonard, realizing for the first soap we bought by the barrel, washed
suit, dissolving in a mass of bubbling time that he hadn't ever seen a com- shirts just as damn white as our cli-
tears, was too much for him. "So they mode on TV. ent's product, and cost about one-fifth
got you to act the bear's part, and "But the worst are the cigarette as much. We tried everything, even
shave yourself while dressed in your ads," Harvey Wiseman went on mo- sprinkled dust over the competitor's
hearsuit?" rosely. "First of all, the FCC people product." He noted a startled look on
"That's it, Lennie boy, you've put made us stop using doctor actors to Leonard's face, and explained," Hell,
the nail on the head," said Harvey endorse our product, and now people let's face it, Len, this is show business.
Wiseman a bit erroneously, too drunk are really sure that cigarettes cause Soap is soap. An that junk we were
to realize that his torment was a you-know-what since the doctors quit (Cont. on p . 37)

TEXAS RANGER 33
"Have you heard of the wonderful one-horse
shay . . . ?"

"Tiger, tiger, burning bright . .. "

-William Blake in "The Tiger"

uerer fox, he lay low."

-Joel Chandler Harris in Song ol the South

l'fttlJfRKll~TllttCIYEO f/MEt't' 1tff('JN4W/EP tr /l!J(fl!

'RE lf'tJT RE!'/ltJ.+'t'llltE l"N At't'IPEh'TC
Plllltta' 41YllY r'Rti# 1111/,tfll{S TllEY Witt BITE
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Tl{[~~~lft!/ fLEAt'E P6 MJT TEAt'E/fkP~-i: ~ .,
 Little Johnny came home from school crying. Patrick lay on his death bed. His
"Hey, Ma, all the boys are picking on me. They say I have a big head." inconsolable wife stood tearfully over
"You don't have a big head, Johnny. Now run along and play." him. "Poor Pat·" said she, "is there
The same thing happened the next day, and once more Johnny's mother anything on earth that would make
comforted him. The fourth day Johnny came home with the same story. you more comfortable? Anything ye
"For once and for all, Johnny, you don't have a big head. Now please go ask I'll get for ye!"
downtown and get me ten pounds of potatoes." "Please, Bridget," he replied, "I
"O.K. Ma. give me a sack." think I'd like to have a wee taste of
"Sack? What do you need a sack for? Use your cap." the ham that's cooking in the kit-
chen."
• "Go on with ye," answered Bridget,
"nary a bit of that ham will ye get!
Then there was the cow that swallowed the bottle of ink and mooed indigo. It's for the wake!"
Look, I don't know how many times we have to print this ;oke before you
guys quit coming up to us and asking us guys what the ;oke means. It means
•
An old Ex was walking by the prac-
what it says. There's this cow, see, and it drank a bottle of ink, see, so it mooed tice field when he spotted the Long-
indigo. That's all there is to it. We thought you guys might like it so we printed horns at their spring training. As they
it. If you want to go on seeing things into the ;oke like puns on song titles go ran off the field, he spoke to the full-
ahead, chaucun ason gout we say. But as for us we'll ;ust take the story the way back.
it's printed. How many times do we have to print this before you get the ;oke? "Say," the man said, "I haven't
seen a game in years. Have any of
the objectionable features of the game
been abolished?"
THE SHORT-ORDER RESTAURANT "Yeah!" replied the back. "Darrel
Royal and the Alumni Association get
to pick the faculty now!"
•
Not so long ago, a disheveled law-
yer walked into a psychiatrist's of-
fice, tore open a cigarette, and stuffed
the tobacco up his nose.
"I see you need me," remarked the
startled doctor.
"Yeah," agreed the lawyer. "Got a
light?"
•
Clerk: "You ask if this liver medi-
cine is any good? Well, I'll tell you.
There was a man living next door who
took his liver medicine every night for
three years." . ,,
Customer: "Well, did it help him?
Clerk: "He died last week."
Customer: "Oh?"
Clerk: "But they had to beat his
liver with a stick for three days before
it would let them bury him!"
•
Once upon a time there was a base-
ball umpire in the Texas league who
was a thorough brute, both on and off
the field. This awful person had fo~
many years beaten his wife an
kicked his child on alternate days of
the week. .
Then all at once, without warnmg,
a change came over this brutish hulk.
He arrived home one evening with ~
mink coat and a three-pound box~
chocolates for his wife and a bicyc e
for his son. He kissed his wife roundly,
sat down, and invited his son to co~e
sit on his lap. But the boy absolute Y
refused to do so.
Moral: The son never sits on the
brutish umpire.

MARCH 1964
36
SPONSOR •.• (Cont. from p. 33)
White House."
trying to put over just wouldn't fool Leonard glanced up irritably. The For The
that bunch of shrewd hussies who blaring sound of music jutted into his
watch those daytime shows." befuzzed consciousness, coming from BIG Appetites
"What did you finally do?" asked a huge toady color television set
(and small walletsl
Leonard. perched above the bar. His eyes
"Finally did the trick with lighting. focused on it, and his face reflected
Got two of the most powerful lamps red, blue, and yellow. The elephan- On Campus
in the studio, and focused them on our tine-proportioned blonde disappeared
client's wash. Couldn't use our regular from the screen, then the picture • Crisp, Crunchy Fried Chicken
female model, of course-it would've faded into a faint blue, for commercial • Barbecued Ribs
put her eyes out. And as it was we time. Leonard sat as passive as a tran-
were only able to shoot both articles quilized cow, ready for the killing. But • Home-made Fruit Cobbler
for about four seconds." something deep inside him was stir- • Hamburgers
"Why?" ring ominously.
"Damned lights were so strong, "Shh, shh, hey everybody, look!" • Bar-B-Q on Bun
they set fire to our client's wash. We Harvey Wiseman was drunkenly • Fried Shrimp
ended up showing both things for waving his hands for everybody to be
about two seconds, our client's shining quiet. "Here comes that beauty that • Cheeseburgers
like pure light, and then cut right be- we did last week, for the National • Cousinburgers
fore it burst into flames." Safety Council."
"What kind of commercial would Everyone at the table stared at the These and other Treats on order in our
Food-to-Go Dept.
you make for our product?" asked set, eagerly awaiting the latest prod-
Menus Aval/able for Dorm Delivery Available
Leonard mournfully, having momen- uct of their art, and none was waiting
tarily caught the spirit of woozy me- with more anticipation than Leonard,
loncholy which Harvey Wiseman caught up in a deadly staring contest
seemed to be enjoying so thoroughly. with the picture box.
"That's a hair tonic, right? Yeah, "Folks, this is probably the poorest
like soap, it's all the same. Except for little girl in America today. It's her
our client's. It's 'greaseless.' As if birthday, but there's no one to help
there were anything wrong with using her celebrate it. Her who-o-o-ole fam- "The World ' • ltlf Fried Chiclcen"
grease on your hair. I mean, it's not ily was killed this morning in a traffic
3301 INTERREGIONAL HWY. GR 8-3383
like you stepped out to the covered accident." The camera switched to the
wagon and scooped a handful of somber face of the announcer, and he
grease out of the wheel bearings and went on. "Wouldn't you hate for this
smeared it into your head, anyway. to be your little boy or girl, ladies and
But nay, our product is guaranteed gentlemen? Wouldn't you hate for EICO HF90A
to plaster your hair down so neat and your little child to spend as sad a
shiny it'll look like it was baked into birthday as this?" fm tuner
place. But it does so without a trace of "Couldn't hate it much if I were
grease, so that if some seventy-five dead, could I now?" growled a voice
dollar an hour model should waltz up at the table.
to you and run her white-gloved hand "Just imagine this, folks," droned
through your hair there's no messy the announcer as the camera swung
greasy stain. Gripes! What I want to to a montage of wrecked cars and the
know is, what in the hell does it con- long, sad faces of several professional
The most popular FM tuner kit
tain to nail down your hair the way actors. "Slow down, folks . Take care.
ever made! Features include a pre-
it does, glue? But our client would Drive but drive to stay alive." On and wired, prealigned RF section , pre-
howl bloody murder if we even sug- on he went. "The life you save may aligned IF transformers, slide-rule
gested changing the emphasis from be your own, or that of a loved one." dial with effortless flywheel tuning,
"no grease' to something more practi- On and on and on. Leonard took it and traveling tuning eye indicator.
cal, like 'containing scent of adult all in, through narrowed eyes until it Also important are stabilized low
male lion in heat' or "guaranteed to faded out, and Leonard slowly got up limiting threshold for excellent per-
hold your hair down without sticking from the table, and with a more de- formance from weaker signals, and
termined step than he had ever taken broadband ratio detector for easier
Your pocket up.' " tuning. Output for connection to
"You tell 'em, Harvey," a little man in his whole life walked straight out of
EICO MX99 MULTIPLEX AUTO-
Who looked like Margaret Rutherford the bar, into the street, and in front
ADAPTER.
With her head shaved said. of a speeding taxi. Kit $44.95. Wired $69.95.
"What sometimes scares me, Len But those at Harvey Wiseman's Includes FET.
my boy, is the tremendous suggestive table simply roared with laughter,
power those commercials have. Why, considering it a good joke on Leonard
We just mention something and the for taking anything so seriously in the
Whole nation tramples itself to death first place, and refusing to do any-
tunning to the supermarket to buy it. thing about identification of the body High Fidelity at Reasonable
\iyhy, I figure that the innocent inclu- until they had a chance to view the Prices
sion of the word 'nix' in one of our next commercial, product of their
craftsmanship, which was due to come 2012 Speedway GR 8-6609
commercials-'Give bugs the nix, get SALES AND SERVICE
Big Bug Fix!'-put Kennedy into the on at any moment. •

TEXAS RANGER 37
FREEDOM ... (Cont. from p . 13) like that) from Louisiana and we are been misled like I can understand how
Birmingham, things going on in other going to get you.' I said, 'Well, you the White Citizens Council has been
places, and you realize that marching better hurry up because the police misled. The thing that disturbs me the
alone in front of the Texas theater is have this phone staked out.' 'He pops most about this group is that they prey
never going to make the national off and says a few dirty curse words on ignorance. The Black Muslims
press. For one thing the Austin Police and hangs up. Well, he calls back four haven't gotten quite as bad as some of
Department was cooperating too more times that night and finally I get the little groups in that they (the little
well." tired and I thought I would use the old ones) are getting really commercial
Booker, contrary to the expressed Negro tactic on him of telling him, about it. What really disturbs me is,
beliefs of the Ranger Staff and many 'Look, man, I've just let your mama well, like this cult in California, this
others, is a staunch admirer of the go home and will you please get off guy is really supposed to be raking in
Austin Police Department. He did not the phone.' We had a real firey ex- the money left and right."
believe that Austin labored under any change and they were sure enough We then asked if the attention
undue pressure, and that Austin was going to come over then, and I told drawn to Austin as the 'home' of the
much better off than Houston. them now you all wear white sheets President was going to help matters.
"For one thing, the Austin Police -because, no kidding, just before Booker replied that he didn't think
Department is, I guess the best Police they called, about eight of the Negro that the President being from around
Department in the South, concerning students who were helping me at the here was going to change matters for
something like this, as far as offering University were here, and I had just the simple reason that things are to
protection, and even interpretation of been telling them about these calls the point where pressure has already
laws which is something the average when one comes through-and I told been applied to the little things. Fur-
police department will not do." them now you all wear white sheets ther, he doubted that the President
(Booker, at present is not driving an and we'll wear blue sheets and we'll would allow himself to be used by
automobile, which perhaps explains bet you two to one that the blue sheets either group, nor that the integration
the onesidedness of his opinion-Ed.) win.' The guy got mad and hung up." groups would set out merely to em-
We asked Booker if he had been We asked Booker, while he was on barass the President.
subject to the usual prank telephone the subject of white and blue sheets, if "However, I would interpret the ac-
calls, and he replied that indeed he he knew of any activity of the Black tivities of a group that tried to apply
had and the Police Department usu- Muslims in the Austin Area. Booker pressure by reminding the world that
ally comes out, but that he did not put replied that he had heard that there this is the President's home as an at-
much stock in these calls. He related were two different people in Austin tempt to embarrass the President but
to us an amusing incident that hap- trying to organize the Black Muslims as an attempt to solve the problem."
pened one night. and that the paper that they publish is It has been noticed by the Ranger-
"I had just come in, and about ten being sold around here now. oos that the local news media have
minutes later we get a phone call, "My opinion of them is that they to definate predilection towards refer-
'You have got a white woman at your are a sick group. They have a legiti- ring to Booker simply as 'a local
house.' I say, 'Hey, what's this? ', and mate complaint, but I disagree with waiter,' etc. We asked Booker about
he says, 'I want to let you know that the way they want to solve the prob- these apparent problems with the local
I am a Grand Wizard (or something lem. I can understand how they have news and he replied:
"Definitely (there are problems).
Editorially they have done some un-
just things, but the local press has
done something that is probably true
of the local press in Alabama and
everywhere else. I don't think that
they have admitted the seriousness of
the problem. In the listing of the ten
leading news items in Central Texas,
for instance. According to the repo1'.s,
there were more newsmen in Austill
to cover our Freedom March than
there had been for any other event up
to that time, and it wasn't included."
We asked Booker why he didn't
make an appearance at the "Head-
liners' Party and he just laughed and
laughed. He said that if he had been
planning the party he wouldn't have
invited him either, since the Governor
was there.
After the tapes had been well filled,
we brought the interview to a close.
We thanked Booker, and went ho~e
to a Sunday afternoon of drinki?g
beer and editing, and relistening with
a great deal of amusement to the parts
of the tapes which we knew we
"Ha, ha ... And this one prisoner is saying to the other ... He he! .. .'' wouldn't be able to publish. •

38 MARCH 19 64
" . and to uphold the laws of the
sovereign state of ... "

We know a girl who said she would

do anything for a mink coat and now
she can't button it .

•
One of the airlines made it a prac-
tice to give its passengers sticks of
gum labeled: " To prevent unpleasant
pressure during takeoffs and land-
ings."
On one trip, an elderly woman
plaintively appealed to the steward-
ess: "Help me get this stuff out of my
ears. It hasn't done a bit of good."
•
campus queen
Austin~where else can you find so
much nothing, and centrally located,
too.
•
A drunk stared at a homely passen-
ger on the bus. Finally he blurted
out: "My Gosh, but you're ugly!"
"I can't help the way I look," an-
swered the woman.
The drunk looked at her for a mo-
ment and then screamed, "Well, at
least you could stay home!"
campus ace
You can go around with the best camera in town when you sport the
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"Daddy," said little Johnny, "I SLR under $100. This camera embodies the finest quality optics and
all the features you could possibly want in a 35mm. You can take
Want to get married." close-up, wide-angle or telephoto shots.
"Very well, son," replied his father,
"an d who do you want to marryr"'" We like to call it "the camera that teaches you photography." That's
our Kowa-H. Make it yours today.
"Grandma" was the answer.
"Rold on there," said Daddy. "You
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lnother, do you?"
"Why not," answered the son. "You
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TEXAS RANGER 39
 Coming Next
\J Month
ADVERTISERS' INDEX

MARCH 1964

(),0~PD
Christianson-Leberman ................ 10

Well, what with all the confusion caused by the departure of editor Adkins,
Clyde Campbell University Shop...... 5 we didn't get around to that Saturday Evening Post parody we promised you
for this month. However, we still plan to put one out, as a special bonus issue
in May. We decided, as a result of the infamous PIE DUEL, to discontinue
Country Cousin .................... ..............37 our traditional parody of the Daily Texan-there's no use kicking the pie-
covered corpse.
This month, as a special service to our readers, the Dog Care column will be
El Matamoros ...................................... 8
written by Lieuen Adkins, who some of you may remember won Best of Show
in Peoria in '59.
Holiday House ................ Inside Back Our subject for this month is "Training the dog as a watchdog." First, care
must be taken to see that your dog is mean (a "mean mutha," as we say in dog
circles) . Feed him nothing but spaghetti for days on end (if you can make the
KOWA-H Camera ..............................39 spaghetti stand on end). Then, just when he is really beginning to hate it, give
him something worse. He will soon be quite mean enough for our purposes. An
occasional blow across the withers with a rolled-up mattress is also helpful. Next
Merritt-Schaefer & Brown ................ 7 you must teach him respect for private property. Read to him daily from "The
Conscience of a Conservative" and "Oliver Twist," pausing at frequent intervals
to let particularly important points sink in. Every so often throw in a random
Night Hawk ...................................... 2 phrase such as "Back to the pound for you, flea-bait," to make sure he is paying
attention.
Then show your dog pictures of known criminals, shady types, bill collectors,
Nueces Cleaners ................................ 4
censors, etc., in order to acquaint him with his enemies (it is best to label the
pictures "Known Criminal," "Shady Type," "Bill Collector," "Censor," "Etc.,"
to make sure he understands). Now for the acid test. Dip the dog in a large vat
Scarbrough's ·····-·····················-·-·····--- 1
of acid. That done, we can get on with the other tests. Prevail upon a friend to
crawl through a window dressed in a padded suit (the friend, that is) with
"Known Criminal" stenciled across the front and watch your watchdog tear into
Scholz Garten .................................... 8
him. Man, will that be a sight! If you have trained your dog properly, he will
light into your friend and rip right through that padding in nothing flat. Hence-
Speedway Radio ................... ............ 37
forth you may rest assured that your house will be safe from nocturnal maraud-
ers. All else failing, however, you can buy a cheap watch, see, and tie it around
your dog's neck, see, and then you'll have a watchdog, see? Get it? A watchdog!
Toggery ............................................ 3 NEXT MONTH: Everything there is to know about dogs.

Zale's .................................................... 6

ADVERTISING REPRESENTA JIVES

Jack Kendrick
01,\
Charles Lutz

40
ll MARCH 1964
 Get the

habit
I003 Barton Springs Rd. 2003 Guadalupe 20th and Speedway Airport Blvd. at North Loop
 A lot revolves around GPE
Today, it takes the efforts of many states. And in manufacturing, our With so much revolving around
people in many diverse fields and subsidiaries produce a wide variety GT&E, it is small wonder that we
professions to build an active corpo- of products for business, industry have become one of America's fore-
ration such as GT&E. and the consumer. most corporations.
Because, at GT&E, we're involved A diversified program such as this As a young and aggressive com-
heavily in research, manufacturing calls for the best administrators, pany with no limit to its growth,
and telephone operations. operating personnel, scientists, engi- GT&E is an organization you may
For instance, we have telephone neers and production managers. And wish to think of in the light of your
operating companies in areas of 32 unity of purpose. own future.

GENERAL TELEPHONE & ELE~I~g~!.,C~~ G [iE

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