Copyright © 2021 by Brené Brown

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August Friedrich Albrecht Schenck, Anguish (Angoisse) (c. 1878),
National Gallery of Victoria, Melbourne, purchased 1880

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Dark Elegy, copyright © 1991 Suse Lowenstein,
photo by Karen Walrond

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©2000 Creative Therapy Associates, Inc., Cincinnati, Ohio

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 The Four Horsemen
and How to Stop Them With Their Antidotes

Criticism Gentle Start-Up

Verbally attacking or blaming State how you feel about the
your partner’s character. situation, and what you need.

“Why do you always make “I feel frustrated about being

us late?!” late. I need to be on time.”

Defensiveness Take Responsibility

Victimizing yourself to ward Accept your partner’s perspective
off a perceived attack or and offer an apology for any
to reverse the blame. wrongdoing.
“Come on, you know I have “I’m sorry for running late.
a hard time getting up I know how important it is
in the morning!” for you to be on time.”

Contempt Describe Your Own

Attacking your partner’s sense
of self with insulting or abusive
Feelings and Needs
language that communicates Express your positive needs instead
superiority. of your partner’s flaws.

“I learned how to tell time “It’s important to me to be

when I was five. When are punctual. Please help me
you ever gonna learn?” with that.”

Stonewalling Self-Soothing
Withdrawing from interaction Ask for a break using a signal or
to avoid conflict and convey word that you both agree on.
disapproval, distance, Spend the break doing a calming
and separation. activity on your own.
Thinking: “I can’t take this “Timeout. I need a break. I’m
anymore. I gotta get out going to go for a walk, and we
of here.” can talk again in 30 minutes.”

Copyright ©2017 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Knowing and applying Shaping emotion and Acting out, shutting
the language of human experience to fit what we down, or giving up
experience and emotion know

Practicing Not owning our hurt, pain, Choosing armor or

courage and fear. “Everything is fine.” comfort over courage

Rumbling with Performing and/or avoiding Shutting down or acting

vulnerability vulnerability out in vulnerability

Staying Challenging & criticizing Showing indifference,

curious more than exploring and disinterest, defensiveness
contributing

Practicing Confusing modesty and Hustling and hubris

humility insecurity with humility

Committing to mastery Self-protecting with Getting stuck in fear

and practice perfectionism and shame

Feeling embodied and Thinking and acting Feeling disembodied

connected to self our emotions without and disconnected from
feeling them ourselves

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Knowing and applying Shaping emotion and Acting out,
the language of human experience to fit what shutting down,
experience and emotion we know or giving up

Committing to be Performing concern while Defaulting to

other-focused trying to control or distance self-protecting and
self-focused

Practicing Showing pity and Cruelty and/or creating

compassion comparing suffering distance, separation,
disconnection, and
treating others like
they’re invisible

Practicing Defaulting to sympathy Creating distance,

empathy and other empathy misses separation,
disconnection, and
treating others like
they’re invisible

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 Practicing Performing non-judgment Judging
non-judgment but judging,
comparing, blaming,
and distancing

Sharing “power with” “Helping” by trying Leveraging

and “power to” to control people, power over
perceptions,
or outcomes

Being relational Being transactional; Disengaging and

connecting for gain, disconnecting
fitting in, or control

Setting Becoming enmeshed Being enmeshed

and respecting or creating distance or building walls
boundaries

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 Knowing and applying Shaping emotion and Acting out,
the language of human experience to fit what shutting down,
experience and emotion we know or giving up

Rumbling with story - Creating separation by Showing indifference,

listening, discovering, and knowing, advice-giving, and disinterest, dismissing, or
staying curious problem solving diminishing

Building narrative trust – Disconnecting through: Fueling narrative distrust

believing, acknowledging,
and affirming Narrative takeover Diminishing the humanity
of others and ourselves
Narrative tap-out

(including performative
affirmation)

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 I L L U S T R AT I O N C R E D I T S

Page 1–2:
Page 1: Gavin
GavinAung
AungThan
Than
Page 3: Gavin Aung Than
Page 2: Gavin Aung Than
Page 5: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, redrawn by Gavin Aung Than
Page 3: Gavin Aung Than
Page 6: Gavin Aung Than
Page 4: August Friedrich Albrecht Schenck, Anguish (Angoisse) (c. 1878), National
Page 7: WholeHearted School Counseling
Gallery of Victoria, Melbourne, purchased 1880
Page 8: © 2000 Creative Therapy Associates, Inc., Cincinnati, Ohio
Page 9:
Page 5: Dr.
Dark Elegy,
John copyright
Gottman © 1991
and Dr. JulieSuse Lowenstein,
Schwartz photo
Gottman. The by Karen Walrond
Gottman Institute
Page 10:
Page 6: Maslow’s Hierarchy
Gavin Aung Than of Needs, redrawn by Gavin Aung Than
Pages 11–15:
Page 7: GavinGavin
AungAung
Than Than
Pages 16–19: Gavin Aung Than
Page 8: Gavin Aung Than
Page 9: Gavin Aung Than
Page 10: WholeHearted School Counseling
Page 11: © 2000 Creative Therapy Associates, Inc., Cincinnati, Ohio
Page 12: Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. The Gottman Institute
Page 13: Gavin Aung Than
Page 14– 18: Gavin Aung Than
Page 19– 22: Gavin Aung Than

20
 Gratitude
Gratitude
There is absolutely no way you’d be holding this book in your hands if it
weren’tisfor
There a huge team
absolutely of people
no way you’d who workedthis
be holding tirelessly
book toin make it happen.
your hands if it
The research,
weren’t the art
for a huge teamand
of design,
people whothe planning, the newtowebsite,
worked tirelessly make itthe edit-
happen.
ing and
The production,
research, the arttheandlaunch
design,plans, the contracts—it’s
the planning, the new awebsite,
miraclethe andedit-
I’m
grateful
ing beyond words.
and production, the launch plans, the contracts—it’s a miracle and I’m
grateful beyond words.
The Brené Brown Education and Research Group Team: To Ellen Alley,
The Brené
Suzanne BrownBethany
Barrall, Education and Research
Bloomer, Group Team:
Cookie Boeker, Ronda To Dearing, Lau-
Ellen Alley,
ren Emmerson,
Suzanne Barrall,Kristin
Bethany Enyart, Margarita
Bloomer, Cookie Flores,
Boeker,Lauren
Ronda Smith Ford, Lau-
Dearing, Bar-
rett Emmerson,
ren Guillen, Stacy Hollister,
Kristin Enyart,Zehra Javed, Flores,
Margarita CharlesLauren
Kiley, Smith
Bryan Ford,
Longoria,
Bar-
Murdoch
rett Guillen,Mackinnon, Laura Zehra
Stacy Hollister, Mayes,Javed,
Elizabeth Newell,
Charles Tati
Kiley, Reznick,
Bryan Gabi
Longoria,
Rodriguez,Mackinnon,
Murdoch Ashley Brown Ruiz,
Laura TeresaElizabeth
Mayes, Sample, Newell,
Nayda Sanchez, Paola Gabi
Tati Reznick, Sán-
chez Valdez,Ashley
Rodriguez, Kathryn Schultz,
Brown Ruiz,Tara Seetharam,
Teresa Anne Stoeber,
Sample, Nayda Sanchez,Donna Van
Paola Sán-
Worthe,
chez Karen
Valdez, Walrond,
Kathryn and Genia
Schultz, Williams. You
Tara Seetharam, Anneare the OGDonna
Stoeber, awkward,Van
brave, and
Worthe, kind Walrond,
Karen army! I couldn’t
and Geniado itWilliams.
without you Youand
areIthe
wouldn’t want to.
OG awkward,
Thank and
brave, you kind
for making
army! Ithis work do
couldn’t possible.
it without you and I wouldn’t want to.
Thank you for making this work possible.
To the research team of Ronda, Ellen, and Paola: Thank you for the great-
nessthe
To and the grind.
research team Ronda, thank
of Ronda, you for
Ellen, andalways
Paola:having
Thank my youback.
for theAnd my
great-
eighty-seven emotions
ness and the grind. and thank
Ronda, experiences.
you for always having my back. And my
eighty-seven emotions and experiences.
The Random House Team: To my editor, Ben Greenberg: It’s a really good
thingRandom
The House
that you’re Team:and
so funny To smart and cuss
my editor, a lot and have
Ben Greenberg: It’s great
a reallytaste
goodin
music and you’re
thing that eat tacos. Otherwise
so funny we’d spend
and smart all of
and cuss ourand
a lot time together
have crying.
great taste in
You areand
music theeat
very best.Otherwise we’d spend all of our time together crying.
tacos.
You are the very best.
To the Random House team of Barbara Bachman, Maria Braeckel, Cath-
erine
To theBucaria,
RandomGina House Centrello,
team of Susan
Barbara Corcoran,
Bachman,Nancy
MariaDelia, Benjamin
Braeckel, Cath-
Dreyer,
erine Karen Dziekonski,
Bucaria, Gina Centrello,Lisa Feuer,
SusanBarbara
Corcoran,Fillon,
NancyMelissa
Delia,Folds, Ayelet
Benjamin
Gruenspecht,
Dreyer, Karen Loren Noveck,
Dziekonski, LisaJoe Perez,
Feuer, Tom Perry,
Barbara Fillon,Sandra
MelissaSjursen, Kaeli
Folds, Ayelet
Subberwal, Andy
Gruenspecht, LorenWard, StaceyJoe
Noveck, Witcraft, and Theresa
Perez, Tom Zoro: Thank
Perry, Sandra Sjursen, you for
Kaeli
making Random
Subberwal, Andy House feel likeWitcraft,
Ward, Stacey home. I and
know how much
Theresa Zoro:workThank it takes
you forto
make a book
making Randomlike House
this happen—I’m grateful.
feel like home. I know how much work it takes to
make a book like this happen—I’m grateful.
Thank you to Karen Dziekonski from Penguin Random House Audio and
a special thank you to Danny Reeves from Wire Road Studios for audio
engineering. 275
275

ow_9780399592553_all_3p_r5.s.indd 275 9/20/21 11:49 AM

 The William Morris Endeavor Team: To Suzanne Gluck, Tracy Fisher,
G R AT I T U D E

Caitlin Mahony, and the entire team at William Morris Endeavor: Thank
you and let’s keep changing the world! After we rest.

The Global Prairie Team: To Mike and Wendy Hauser—you’re family.

Thank you for always showing up, being brave, and believing in beauty and
excellence in all things.

To Jennifer Barr, Heather Davis, Erica Gonzales, Ashley Lane, and Gina
Lanzalaco: You put your heart into this work and I’m grateful. It looks like
love.

To Gavin Aung Than: I sent you an email that said, “I love your art, will
you please help me with this book?” You said YES! and I’ve been blown
away ever since. Thank you so much for breathing life into these words.

The Home Team: Love and thanks to Deanne Rogers and David Rob-
inson; Chuck Brown; Jacobina Alley; Corky and Jack Crisci; Ashley and
Amaya Ruiz; Barrett, Frankie, and Gabi Guillen; Jason and Layla Brown;
Jen, David, Larkin, and Pierce Alley; Shif and Negash Berhanu; Margarita
Flores; and Lucy Verni.

To Ashley and Barrett: #youdontknowme #doyourwork #STFD

To Steve, Ellen, and Charlie: You are the breathless love and joy that I write
about.

To Lucy: You are the weird Ewok who fills me with wonder. And love.

276