a n z n s t a n t h e l p b o o k f o r t e e n s

TEEN / SELF-HELP

The skills Joseph V. Ciarrochi, PHD

you need to
Being a teen these days is tough. Between school,
family, friends, and extracurricular activities—sometimes it
Louise L. Hayes, PHD
Illustrations by Katharine Hall
live your feels like you’re being pulled in a dozen different directions,
and none of them are your way. On top of that, you may
best life— feel lonely, angry, or depressed; or you may wonder if

YOur LIFE, YOUR WAY

on your
you’re good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough
to succeed in life. So, how can you overcome these self-
doubts, cultivate the strength to face life’s challenges, and
terms! reach your full potential?

With this fun and illustrated guide, you’ll learn how to deal with all the
pressures of the teen years, while also growing into the person you want to
be. Using skills from mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT),
and positive psychology, you’ll discover new and effective ways to manage
difficult emotions, break bad habits, and start believing in yourself. If you’re
ready to take charge of your destiny and face problems head-on, this book has
everything you need to get started today!

“This book is a gift to adolescents and their parents, as well as

clinicians, teachers, counselors, and coaches who work with them….
Sixteen-year-old me really loves this book, and highly recommends it!”
—Lisa Coyne, PhD, coauthor of Stuff That’s Loud

Joseph V. Ciarrochi, PhD, is a professor at the Institute of Positive Psychology and

Ciarrochi • Hayes
Education at Australian Catholic University, and coauthor of Get Out of Your Mind and
Into Your Life for Teens.

Louise L. Hayes, PhD, is an international ACT trainer and speaker. She is a clinical
psychologist, researcher, and coauthor of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life for
Teens and The Thriving Adolescent. Acceptance & Commitment
Based on Therapy Skills to Help
the popular
DNA-V Teens Manage Emotions
& Build Resilience
An Imprint of New Harbinger Publications
www.newharbinger.com Model
“Your Life, Your Way takes a scientific model and makes it tangible and practical. Parents ought to buy
this book for their teens. But, please parents, read it and try the exercises first. You might just change
with your teens. Also, as a supervisor, I would certainly offer this book to trainees as a treatment outline.
The structure is simple, direct, and flexible enough to fit real-world therapy.”

—Kelly Wilson, PhD, professor emeritus at the University of Mississippi, founding president of
the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS), and coauthor of Acceptance and
Commitment Therapy

“The DNA-V model is a game changer; one of the most exciting third-wave interventions in years.
This cool-looking book presents the model in a way that teens will love and find helpful.”

—Ben Sedley, PhD, clinical psychologist, and author of Stuff That Sucks

“Your Life, Your Way speaks authentically to young people setting out to figure out who and how they
want to be. The authors’ DNA-V model is a practical, accessible framework that is clearly grounded in
well-researched principles of behavior change, as well as adolescent development. With meaningful
questions to ponder and exercises to build new skills, this book provides exceptional tools to guide teens
throughout their life’s journey.”

—Siri Ming, PhD, BCBA-D, behavior analyst, and coauthor of Using RFT to Promote
Generative Language

“A unique, skillfully crafted tool kit for empowering young people, no matter what they are struggling
with. This beautifully illustrated workbook shows young people that they are the person they have been
waiting for—they have the power to transform and move their lives in a direction that sets their hearts on
fire. I cannot think of a more perfect and timely resource for teens (and the adults who support them).”

—Evelyn Gould, PhD, BCBA-D, clinical behavior analyst at the New England Center for OCD
and Anxiety, and research associate at Harvard Medical School
“Adolescence is a time of discovery, of taking mindful risks, and of learning flexibility in the face of
the uncertainty and adversity involved in growing up in our world as it is today. This book is a gift
to adolescents and their parents, as well as clinicians, teachers, counselors, and coaches who work
with them. Created by Joe Ciarrochi and Louise Hayes, this brilliant book based in acceptance and
commitment therapy (ACT) is just what every teen needs: a pragmatic, accessible, down-to-earth guide
that will empower them to go out and live their way into their best lives. Sixteen-year-old me really,
really loves this book, and highly recommends it!”

—Lisa W. Coyne, PhD, assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at

Harvard Medical School; founder of the New England Center for OCD and Anxiety
in Boston, MA; and author of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

“Your Life, Your Way is not only filled with thoughtful and valuable guidance, it is also filled with rich,
textured, and fun images and exercises. It is the perfect book to aid teenagers in relating to their
emotions in an effective fashion. It is ideal for helping them build resiliency. I was wonderfully captured
by each page. Ciarrochi and Hayes have ‘nailed it’ with this amazing self-help guide for those who are
young and struggling. I might even suggest that us grown-ups could use it too! Thank you for creating
such an amazing journey; it will be invaluable to all who explore its pages.”

—Robyn D. Walser, PhD, codirector of the Bay Area Trauma Recovery Clinic; assistant professor
at the University of California, Berkeley; author of The Heart of ACT; and coauthor of Learning
ACT and The Mindful Couple

“What would it be like to own your own life? I don’t mean a life that’s perfect, or smooth, or easy. I mean
a life that’s about what your heart yearns for it to be about. That can happen, and this book is about how
to get it to happen. It’s based on scores of studies about people just like you, but it is easy to read, clear,
and wise. If you want your life, your way—this book will show you how.”

—Steven C. Hayes, PhD, Nevada Foundation Professor in the department of psychology at the
University of Nevada, Reno; and codeveloper of ACT
Joseph V. Ciarrochi
& Louise L. Hayes

Skills to Help Teens Manage

Emotions and Build Resilience

Illustrated by Katharine Hall

This book belongs to:

Instant Help Books

An Imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
 CHAPTER 6

BUILD STRONG,
SUPPORTIVE
RELATIONSHIPS
“But it does not seem that I can trust anyone,” said Frodo. Sam looked
at him unhappily. “It all depends on what you want,” put in Merry.
“You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin—to the bitter
end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours—closer than you
keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone,
and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”
/J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Why You Might Read What You’ll Learn

This Chapter
What makes someone want to hang
You struggle to connect with some people. out with you.

You’re fighting with friends or family. What makes you want to hang out
with someone.
People have hurt you.
How to use DNA-V to build relationships.
You struggle with the idea that friendship and
love include the risk of getting hurt. Discover your superpower: inside-
outside vision.
You fear being hurt.
Powerful friendship rules.
74 Your Life Your Way — Part 2

Let’s start this chapter with a riddle: The hardest part of being human is that we need
others, and yet this need also makes us afraid.
Guess the problem. If you have more Imagine you like someone a lot and you ask that
of this problem, you’ll have less… person out on a date. Think of the extremes in
emotion you would have if that other person says
Ability to plan and problem solve “yes” versus “no.” It’s like the difference between
Ability to sleep heaven and hell. The problem we all face is that
Emotional satisfaction there’s no social connection without social fear.
Chance of living a long life They’re two sides of the same coin.

If we are to genuinely connect with people, we

need to make space for the fear of getting hurt.
We need to be willing to feel. This returns us to
the willingness question we introduced in chapter
5. Think about this question for a moment:

Are you willing to feel the fear of rejection

in order to experience the joy of connection?

Are you willing to take the life coin? Just as a

regular coin has heads on one side and tails on
the other, the coin of life has connection on one
Did you guess that the problem was loneliness?
side and fear on the other. To take the coin, you
Research shows that loneliness is as big a risk
must say yes to both.
factor for death as smoking ten cigarettes a day
or having a bad diet. We humans need each Don’t worry if you can’t answer this question
other. Literally. Relationships are like vitamins with a resounding “yes” just yet. You can work
and minerals. through this chapter and develop your DNA-V
friendship skills. Because humans need connection,
relationships are often the most common value we
hold, so we will start with the center—value. What
makes you valuable to others? What makes others
valuable to you?
 Chapter 6 75

» WHAT MAKES A GOOD FRIEND?

Have you ever wondered what makes a friend for you? Each friend can be different, but
real friends make you feel good about yourself, safe, and supported. Look at the list below
and check which friendship characteristics are most important to you. Select your top
five, and write them in the space below.

You can do this by yourself or share it with a friend. If you’re completing this with a friend,
select the characteristics you see and admire in them. Have fun and focus on each other
instead of yourself.

Characteristics of a Good Friend

Trustworthy Shares my interests

Talks about interesting things Smart

Fun Attractive

Popular Lets me know how they're

feeling
Likes sport
Doesn’t judge me
Listens to me
Helps me feel better about
Makes me laugh or smile myself
Loyal Shows kindness
Good at telling stories Supports me
Is forgiving/doesn’t hold Puts me in a good mood
a grudge
Is creative
Is upbeat (often in a good
mood) Is good at planning things out

Other characteristics:
76 Your Life Your Way — Part 2

Now review the friendship characteristics again. Which of them

do you have?
What makes you a good friend? When you try to answer this question, notice what
your advisor does. Does it get critical of you when you try to think of your positive
characteristics? If so, that’s normal. Remember your advisor’s job is to keep you safe
and prevent you from making social mistakes. It will search for problems inside you and
find reasons you acted like a bad friend. It might say you’re not attractive enough, smart
enough, interesting enough, or funny enough.

Everybody’s advisor finds problems to worry about when being with others. If only we
could all see what others are thinking, we’d realize everybody worries and maybe we’d
worry less. But we can’t. Instead, we have to learn how to tune in to our advisor only
when it’s useful—that is, when it helps us build our connections.

So just ignore your critical advisor for now, and write five things that make you a good
friend. You can use the list on the previous page to inspire you with ideas, or you can
write things that aren’t on the list.
 Chapter 6 77

Who Makes Up Your Circle of Connection?

Now that you’ve identified what makes a good friend, we will turn to your
broader circle of relationships. In the diagram below, write the initials of your
connections according to how close they are to you in your current social life.
You can include friends, family, teachers, even pets. Put those that you trust and
like closest to you. Put those you sometimes hang with, or occasionally come
into contact with, further away.

People I
sometimes
hang with

People I
trust and am
closest to

ME
78 Your Life Your Way — Part 2

How do you feel about your social network? Are you happy with it? Are there any
surprises? Are some people closer to you than you realized? More distant? Relationships
change in surprising ways.

Do you see anybody with whom you would like to improve your relationship? Maybe you
want to spend more time with them, have more fun with them, or argue less. Underline
anybody you would like to be closer to.

Would you like to add new people to your social network? Maybe you’d like to change
your social group, or build a new one. If you’ve decided you want to improve your social
networks, the next two sections can help you think about how to do this.

» USE YOUR DNA-V SKILLS

TO BUILD RELATIONSHIPS
Pick someone from the previous exercise that Now take a walk around the DNA-V disk
you want to be closer to. Do you ever argue with by answering the questions in each section.
that person, or struggle to get along sometimes? You can download a blank disk at:
If you are a human, rather than a robot, then the http://dnav.international.
answer is yes. We would like you to think about Or you can make a copy of the blank disk
this person, and the struggles you get into, as at the end of the book.
you shift through the DNA-V viewpoints below.
You can start anywhere in the DNA-V disk, but
First, ground yourself with your noticer. Take we find it’s often best to complete the noticer (N)
a few slow, deep breaths. In any difficult social and advisor (A) questions first. Then complete
situation, pause and breathe. This will set you the discoverer (D) and value (V) sections. Once
up to make the best choices. you know your feelings (N) and thoughts (A), and
make space for them, you may be more willing
Think of someone you want to be closer to.
to try new things (D) to build value (V).
It might be a friend or parent or someone else.
Think about a time this person upset you. Write
what made you upset in the space below.
 Chapter 6 79

What difficult thoughts

show up when you think
about this person?
What behaviors have you
been doing that make the
relationship worse (lashing
out, avoiding)?

D A
What might you tell
yourself that would help
D Ad
is c o ve you build value? r
r

vis o

What behaviors might

make the relationship V
Va
lu es
better (kindness, being
open)?
What happens if you
What's important in
listen to different kinds
the relationship?
of thoughts? Do they
How would you like build the relationship
What new behaviors up, or tear it down?
to act to support the
might build value?
relationship?

What feelings and Allow feelings to

sensations show just be, instead of
up in your body reacting to them.
(anger, tension, Take a few slow,
resentment, deep breaths and
sadness, fear that create space inside
you will lose the you for the feelings
friendship)? to flow.

N
No
tic e
r

When you finish answering the questions in the DNA-V disk, you hopefully will be
open to trying something new in the relationship, to build value. You might try having
an honest conversation, asking how the other person feels, offering support, asserting
yourself, or withdrawing from the relationship if it’s too difficult right now. We don’t
know what’s best in your particular situation, but if you engage in switching DNA-V skills,
you’ll discover what’s best for you.
80 Your Life Your Way — Part 2

» BUILD SOCIAL VIEW: YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUPERPOWER

Relationships are confusing. One minute you’re best friends with someone, the next
minute they’re angry with you and talking behind your back, and you don’t understand
what you did. People grow apart. Sometimes you find the friendship is a bad fit; perhaps
the friend turns out to be immature or a bully. What can you do? A lot.

You can use social view to get some wise distance from the situation and discover what’s
the best next step. Social view involves you seeing how you’re interacting with another
person and also guessing what the other person is likely to feel, think, and do.

Let’s start, as we often do in DNA-V, by grounding yourself in the noticer. You can do the
following exercise any time, and it can take under 10 or 20 seconds (but remember, with
noticer skill, there’s no rush).

Outside-Inside Noticer

1. Breathe: Take a few slow, deep breaths.

2. Notice outside: Become aware of what is outside you. What sounds do you hear?
Notice them, even the small ones. What five things do you see?

3. Notice inside: Scan your body from head to toe. Do you notice any sensations?
Describe how you’re feeling right now.

When you step into noticer space in this way, you don’t overreact to your feelings or
thoughts. You could feel angry with a friend but not seek to hurt them. You can feel afraid
of what someone will say to you but not seek to avoid them. Your noticer gives you a
strong foundation to stand on. Remember this simple way to ground yourself with these
three steps: breathe, notice outside, notice inside. That’s it.
 Chapter 6 81

Inside-Outside Vision
Now that you’ve grounded yourself inside and outside, you’re ready to use your
social view. This exercise involves viewing yourself in the relationship from the
inside and outside. You also view the other person in this way. The table below
captures the key steps. (If you want to do this exercise again, you can download the
chart at http://dnav.international.)

View You Them

1. How did I think and feel? 2. If I were the other person,

how would I think and feel?

Inside

3. How did I look on the 4. How did the other person

outside? look on the outside?

Outside

1. When you think about the time you had a problem with your relationship, how did you
feel? Were there feelings other than anger? Write them in the “Inside + You” quadrant.

2. Imagine you could step into your friend’s body and think and feel what they think
and feel. How might they have felt in the situation? Remember you’re guessing here.
You could be wrong. People cannot mind read as well as they think they can. The key
is to imagine the situation from your friend’s eyes and not just your own. So, take your
best guess and write it in the “Inside + Them” quadrant.

3. Now, pause and consider how you might have looked to your friend on the outside.
What would they have seen? Did you show anger? Or did you try to hide it and look
cool, or unbothered, or even bored? Fill in the “Outside + You” quadrant.

4. Finally, how did the other person look on the outside? Did they look angry, cool, like
they didn’t care, or what? Fill in the “Outside + Them” quadrant.

Look at your answers. What did you learn from using social view for that problem situation?
82 Your Life Your Way — Part 2

You probably discovered that your view of things from the outside is often not the same
as your view from the inside. Often, what we see on the outside is not necessarily what’s
happening on the inside. Everybody hides what they’re feeling. And usually we try to
hide our insecurity and fear—and this means that just about everybody is looking more
confident and unafraid than they’re feeling on the inside.

To build strong relationships, we need to go beyond appearances; we need to understand

what’s going on inside ourselves and inside other people. But remember, when you try to
understand what’s going on inside someone else, it’s just a guess. You shouldn’t assume
that you’re right. Talk to them. You might have to change what you first assumed when
you discover how they really feel. But odds are, if you try to understand what your friends
are feeling on the inside—especially in a tough situation, like if you’re having a fight—
you’ll be able to understand them better and respond to them better than if you were just
going by what you see on the outside.
 Chapter 6 83

» FRIENDSHIP RULES OF THUMB depends on each person in each situation.

Use your discoverer skills to try different
We call these “rules of thumb,” because no levels of sharing and see what works (go
friendship rule works every time. These rules back to the discoverer section in chapter 2
often work, but not always. Remember to use if you need to check how to do this).
your discoverer to test what’s working for you.
Here are some ideas that often help build 5. Give friends your attention. When others
strong relationships. talk, do you make eye contact? Do you
acknowledge what others are saying?
1. Giving to others builds friendships. People love when you make the effort to
Help others and support them. Do nice hear and see them. When someone is talking
things without expecting anything. to you, put away electronic devices and give
them your full attention. You’ll make them
2. Good relationships are two-way streets.
feel great.
Giving to others doesn’t mean you should be
a doormat—someone who lets other people 6. Judgment and criticism are friendship
use them. Remember, good relationships poison. People hate—and we mean hate—
mean that the other person also gives to to feel judged. The quickest way to kill a
you sometimes and doesn’t just talk about friendship is to judge a person in a moral
themselves all the time or use you. way when they may not deserve it (such as
saying, “You’re a bad person. You lied. You’re
3. Wet blankets have fewer friends. Look
untrustworthy”). Be careful about making
for ways to build your friendships. It’s okay
these moral judgments. Are you using your
to be negative sometimes, but try to look
social-view skills when you make them?
for genuine ways to be positive in your
If your judgment is too harsh or too fast,
relationships when you can. Your friends
you’ll get your friend’s advisor going and
want to feel good about themselves and
they’ll argue back. Initially, your friend’s
have fun. Look for genuine ways to build
advisor might turn inward on themselves (for
your relationships (coming up with fun
example, thinking, “I’m a bad person”), but it
things to do; paying someone a compliment
won’t take long before they turn the advisor
when they deserve it; not complaining about
on you. Then they will use the advisor to
every activity you do with a friend).
attack you (“It’s not me that’s the bad person;
4. Share wisely. Learn the differences between it’s you”). If something that a friend does
sharing, oversharing, and undersharing. upsets you, focus on their behavior (“I didn’t
Oversharing occurs when you talk so much like when you did that”) rather than them as
about yourself that the other person wants a person (“I think you’re disloyal”).
to escape you. Undersharing occurs when
7. Strengthen your willingness muscles.
you don’t let someone know anything about
Willingness means risking hurt sometimes
yourself; you remain hidden and distant.
in order to have a chance at connecting with
Both oversharing and undersharing are bad
other people. Willingness also means being
for friendships. It’s important to share parts
able to walk away from a relationship when
of your life, but there’s a right amount. We
it has become too difficult.
can’t say what that amount is because it
84 Your Life Your Way — Part 2

8. Be willing to apologize (but don’t over

apologize). We all make mistakes in
relationships. Are you willing to apologize
in the service of building the relationship?
A genuine apology can be one of the
hardest things to do, but if you think you’ve
hurt another person, we encourage you
to apologize and see what happens next.
You might be surprised. Your apology may
release the tension in your relationship and
make your friendship even stronger.

9. Social view is your superpower. Whenever

you get stuck in a situation with a friend,
or when you just want to be closer to
someone, pause and practice taking a social
view on the inside and outside of you and
your friend. What do you guess they feel
like? How do they appear on the outside?
How do you feel on the inside and look on
the outside?

10. Social view isn’t invincible. People hide

their feelings. Your friends are also likely
to be struggling with things in life. Maybe
they’re experiencing a family breakdown,
financial stress, a sibling who is sick, or a
bully in their neighborhood. This is often
invisible from the outside. You can always
use your social-view skills to guess what’s
going on inside your friend when you want
to be close to them, or when you sense they
might need your support—but remember to
stay open to your guess being wrong.
 Chapter 6 85

Your Life Your Way

» DEVELOP YOUR
FLEXIBLE STRENGTH
For the next week, practice using your DNA-V
skills when you want to build strong relationships:
» LET YOUR HEART GUIDE » Discoverer: Discover new ways to strengthen
YOUR JOURNEY your relationships. Maybe this could involve
random acts of kindness, or just giving
Return to your valued center often, reminding
someone your full attention when you talk
yourself what matters to you in relationships.
to them. Return to the exercises in this
When your advisor is being critical and making
chapter and think of one or two things you’ll
you want to lash out at your friend, pause and
try. Make a commitment—for example, a new
remember the list you made on what makes a
social action you'll try.
good friend. Be that.
» Noticer: Pause and decide whether you’re
willing to experience some strong feelings,
maybe even distress, to do something new in
your relationship. If you’re willing, then try it.

» Advisor: The best way to commit to

something new is to acknowledge both the
potential benefits and the potential costs.
This new action could be hard because…
[try to think of the potential difficulties or
costs for the behavior]. This new action
» EMBRACE CHANGE could have benefits because… [try to think
of how the behavior might improve your life
Relationships change. They come together, and and build value].
they sometimes fall apart. Embrace the change
happening to you and your loved ones. This will » Self-view: When you make a mistake in your
give you the best chance at having relationships relationships, practice showing yourself the
that are genuine and supportive. same kindness that you would show a friend.

» Social view: Practice your inside-outside

view. Remember that people often appear
differently than they feel. Practice stepping
into their shoes and seeing if you can
connect by understanding them.