Жили-были две FRIENDS. И так они мужиков HATED, что дали зарок: "Никогда не MARRY!".

И HOUSED
они TOGETHER, в одной квартире. И кошечку себе TAKE. И по причине HATRED к любым BEINGS
мужеского GENDER, не подпускали к ней котов. LONG ли, SHORT ли, не спрашивайте как, но нашелся-
таки FINE YOUNG MAN, который BROKE эту идиллию. И взял он одну из FRIENDS замуж. Со слезами
PARTED FRIENDS, когда JUST MARRIED отбывали в HONEYMOON TRIP. И PROMISED молодая жена своей
FRIEND, что будет присылать ей телеграммы аж EVERY DAY. И вот проходит день, два, неделя... а от
молодых ни REPLY ни HI. И вот, недели через три, вконец EXITED FRIEND получает все же LONG-
EXPECTED телеграмму. Разворачивает, а там написано: - IMMEDIATELY LET THE CAT OUT.

Идет DRUNKEN KITTEN , навстречу ему COW.

- KITTEN , ты такой еще LITTLE , а уже DRUNKEN , как тебе не SHAMEFUL ?
- А ты такая BIG, а без BRA, как тебе не SHAMEFUL ?

::. Best collection of English Humour :: anecdotes, jokes and

funny stories

Part 1
Seen on a restroom wall:
"God is dead: Nietzsche.
Nietzsche is dead: God."

A Universal Philosophical Refutation

A philosopher once had the following dream.
First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your
entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an
enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which
Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared. Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and
the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and
disappeared. Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one
with the same objection. After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and
dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will
probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to
wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of
relief. The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you
say."

***

Math, Physics, & Philosophy

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and
expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper
and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

***

Tracker
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the
road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon,
traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
***

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the
night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the
sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter
past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

***

Irish Wife
At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke
about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would
no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I
saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would
no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I
saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no
longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I
saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

***

Language Problem
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

***

Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month
and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and
thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . .
how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I
could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment .
. .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly
happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

***

Chemist's Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband
drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting
up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car
keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three
blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open
up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.
Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of
them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -
she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

***

Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a
package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed
her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing
particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

***

Salesman of the Year

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked
the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on
the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you
make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he
was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4
Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as
well go fishing"

***

Advice
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his
purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't
you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your
other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she
was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I
know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer
said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on
top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

***

Sign of the Times

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not
answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant
where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

***

Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in
the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the
ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a
week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

***

Gorilla
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla
goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free
hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that
his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does
and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your
thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and
says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

***

Bats
A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get
some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them
to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over
there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"

***

Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the
duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck
feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

***

Lippy Parrot
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the
stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench." The stewardess,
flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As
the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get
me another whisky, you ugly bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee
for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for
a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours
any more!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly
stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure
are a lippy bastard."

***

Cows
The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a
cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It
produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate
with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the
bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would
move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in
his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what
was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other
side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people
were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

Part 2
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you
sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and
kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened
then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do
then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket
with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my
pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

***

Two Absent Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to
him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies,
'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this
is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders
two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine.
I've just quit drinking!

***

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot
and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several
times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The
man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!

***

A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What
can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not
buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes
back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not
buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back
into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm
not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact
change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you
always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the
exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that
never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

***

Mixed Drink
A girl goes into a bar.
She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out
dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out
dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."
He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."
She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore."

***

Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then
jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue
ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running
around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it,
sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue
ball, he measures everything first..."

***

Getting Out of A Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the
breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph,
he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself
and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give
me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week
my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

***

Smart-Ass Cop
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the
window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The
driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me."

***

Heavenly Justice
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging
away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the
sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant
to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no
one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher.
He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through
the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God andsaid, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish
him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

***

Golf Ball
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a
green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!"
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the
fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says,
"Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
***

College Letters
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did
you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her
chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it
that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her
chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you
ask?"

***

Autopsy
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the
class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said
that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a
couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an
acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but
licked my index finger?"

***

Skin Graft
A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband
that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his
own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also
honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked
more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One
day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' "My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing
of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''

***

Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital
swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly
jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of
David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be
OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge
you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be
mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David
replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

***

New Career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech
college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for
the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When
the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the
instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an
error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was
worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I
gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."

***

Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two
weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself
and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son,
we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I
have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints
the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the
good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got
a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were
dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I
just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

***

The Fast Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag,
and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come
back in four hours when I have completed the operation." So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it
faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a
plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do
- come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing football." Sam
went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A few weeks later, Sam and John were
cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the
rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-
attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it
go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"

***

Charlies Wife
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him,
"Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are
you doing?" Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob
sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing
Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

***

Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

***

The Sack
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the
employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought
he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the
manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day,
they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both
employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a
terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my
bus."

***

Blond Cops
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,
he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye" The policeman says
"Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The
second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman
angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of
his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think
hard before giving a stupid answer" The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the
suspect is wearing contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if
the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll
get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes
back with a beaming smile on his face. "WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't
wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

***

Home Early
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find
his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running
around naked, scaring the kids!"

***

Flying First Class

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested
that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going
to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak
with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and
asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went
to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said
to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to
New York."

***

News Stand
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty
people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was
yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy
ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

***

Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named
Mighty Storm?" She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister
named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other
sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother
Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

***

Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in
heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl went to the
garage and asked, "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat,
and to come talk to you." Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the
block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where is Susie?" The
little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing
her home."

***

School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

***

Hiking A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked.
"It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get
the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd
give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!

***

Ghost
A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of
you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's
really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But
let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his
hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The
professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back
there I thought you said 'goats'!"

***

Lone Ranger
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little
Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the
end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a
bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on
him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.
And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but
puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone
Ranger."

***

Lunch
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was
lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I get one more beef and cabbage for
lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building," he says. Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one
more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he says. The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna
sandwich. "If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building." The next day the Irishman opened his
lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. Next, the Mexican opened his lunch
pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna
sandwich. He too jumped off the building. The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew that he
didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else." The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he
didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else." Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know what his
problem was. He packed his own lunch."

***

Jealous Blond
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that
same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a
redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with
grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back,
"Shut up! You're next!"

***

Mail
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again
went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There
certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

***

Teacher
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She
calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer
is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a
bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down
the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"The teacher, blushing
a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which LittleJohnny
replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

***

Birds & The Bees

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when
I was 6 I got the "there's no Santa" speech. At 7, I got the "there's no Easter Bunny" speech. When I was 8, you hit me
with the "there's no tooth fairy" speech. IF you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

***