McCabe - Living and Loving With Asperger Syndrome

Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome
of related interest
An Asperger Marriage
Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker
Foreword by Tony Attwood
ISBN 1 84310 017 7
Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships

Ashley Stanford
Foreword by Liane Holliday Willey
ISBN 1 84310 734 1
Aspergers in Love
Maxine Aston
ISBN 184310 1157
Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome

A User Guide to Adolescence
Luke Jackson
Foreword by Tony Attwood
ISBN 1 84310 098 3
Asperger’s Syndrome
A Guide for Parents and Professionals
Tony Attwood
Foreword by Lorna Wing
ISBN 1 85302 577 1
Living and Loving
with Asperger Syndrome
Family Viewpoints
Patrick, Estelle and Jared McCabe
Jessica Kingsley Publishers

London and Philadelphia
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any
material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by
electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other
use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner
except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and
Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright
Licensing Agency Ltd, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London, England W1T
4LP. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce
any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.
Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work

may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
The right of the contributors to be identified as authors of this work has been
asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act
1988.
First published in the United Kingdom in 2003

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
116 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JB, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA
www.jkp.com
Copyright © Patrick, Estelle and Jared McCabe 2003
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN-13: 978 1 84310 744 6

ISBN-10: 1 84310 744 9
ISBN pdf eBook: 1 84642 202 7
Printed and Bound in Great Britain by

Athenaeum Press, Gateshead, Tyne and Wear
Contents
Biographical Note 6
Acknowledgements 7
Introduction 9
1. A Bird’s Eye View 11
2. Living with an Asperger Husband 23
3. Staying Married and Enjoying it! 33
4. The Basics of Living with an Asperger Dad 47
5. The Three Stages
of Growth with an Asperger Parent 61
6. An Even Closer Look at the Asperger Parent 69
7. Raising a Child While Enjoying Each Other 89
8. Professional and Personal Relationships
as Seen by Friends and Co-workers 95
9. Some Differences between Asperger People
and Others: How to Understand “Normal” People 127
10. A Look at Positive Aspects
of Having Asperger Syndrome 137
Biographical Note
Having Asperger Syndrome for forty-four years makes

Patrick well qualified to write on this topic. He has a
varied background in the field of writing. Patrick has
created manuals for his work with the Denver Rescue
Mission and currently writes articles for organizational
newsletters. While in university, he wrote a seven-chapter
thesis. Patrick has taken college level composition courses
as well as attending a nationally recognized writer’s
seminar.
Estelle has taught writing and has edited for ten years
while home schooling her son Jared. Presently, she uses
her writing skills in her position as the PASS Coordinator
at the local junior high school in her hometown of
Wellington, CO. (PASS is an acronym for Parallel
Advocate Support System, a program which has been set
up to help “at risk” students who need extra help with
their schoolwork, as well as emotional support.)
Jared has developed his writing abilities during his
school years. He has taken numerous writing courses
through correspondence during this time period, graded
by professional writers and editors. Now in college, he
continues to hone his writing skills.
Acknowledgements
As a family, we’d like to thank our God, who loves all

people equally. Clearly, He has created us all differently,
but sees the value that each of us retain. We’d like to thank
all of our friends who have encouraged us through life,
through the writing of this book, including those who
have been willing to be interviewed as part of it. Our lives
are much richer because of you.
7
Introduction
What is this book about? It is a collaborative effort on the

parts of my wife (Estelle), son (Jared), and myself (the one
with Asperger Syndrome). We have included interviews
with co-workers and friends. We consider this an effort to
help other Asperger families do more than cope with
having this Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in
their families.
At the time of this writing Estelle is forty years old,
Jared is seventeen, and I am forty-four. We have been
married eighteen years. Estelle and I have always been
committed to each other. We have always acknowledged
that, and openly talked about our love for each other with
each other. We have also had very hard times being
married to each other. All three of us have had significant
struggles in regards to Jared’s upbringing.
You are probably thinking this is true for 98 percent of
all couples and families! I am sure it is. One difference with
us is that I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Once we discovered
what my “problem” was, we went to work as a family. We
have learned what it has meant and means in our every day
lives, our relationships at work and socially, and in our
marriage. We have learned much and continue to learn
9
10 Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome
more as we spend more time together. We hope to share

some of what we have learned with you in a way that will
help you and your family enjoy each other more, and
influence you, your family, co-workers and friends in a
positive direction.
1
A Bird’s Eye View
A three-year-old boy sat on a wooden rooster in a park. He

saw his family: mom, dad, and siblings standing nearby.
He knew he was connected to them somehow. He was
alone with them, all alone, even with them nearby. Not
lonely or having a feeling of loneliness, he truly was
simply, entirely alone.
As an adult I was looking at photographs with my
mother. I saw the little boy on the rooster and the family
next to him. I realized then it wasn’t a dream or thought; I
really had sat on the rooster in the park. My mother had
explained to me, “You were different from the very
beginning.” I was told we were family. In fact, we really
were blood relatives. The word family was my thread of
connection to them.
For us Asperger people, words are of extreme
importance. They are pictures, connections of under-
standing, peace, and direction. For me, not only does
every word need to be exactly correct, so does my
behavior, the order of the day, the order of my thinking,
and others’ behavior. People need to say what they mean
and mean what they say. I cannot count the number of
11
times people have said to me they would do something “in

a couple of days.” How many times has someone said to
you, “I’ll do it tomorrow?” Often times people exaggerate
and say things like: “That car almost hit that kid,” or “He
looks like he got hit by a Mac truck.”
These people have no idea how hard that is for some of
us. I want to trust them and plan for their work to be done
in “a couple of days.” On the third day, I look for it so I can
do my own work on the subject, or simply review theirs to
return it corrected. I see the deadline on a calendar in my
mind. They simply blew the project timeline up! I knew I
would review it; they would have so many days to correct
it and I could get it in to my boss two days ahead of time.
Now, only God knows when they will get it done. I
become energized; my arms come alive with feeling. I
have to deal with this right now! Waiting will only cause
the frustration to grow. “I’ll do it tomorrow,” means
tomorrow, doesn’t it? Of course it does. I want to plan my
day. It is tomorrow. I call to ask what time I should come
by to pick up the completed project. I hear stress in my
co-worker’s voice that is not normally there as he says, “I
didn’t mean that fast; I meant I’ll do it after I’ve finished
the project I’m on.” I say “OK,” and explain the
importance of timeliness, as my whole body fires up. I
hang up the phone, having lost trust in this person and
wondering how could he have said, “I’ll do it tomorrow,”
if he knew it would be two or three days away. My plans
for the day must be changed. I hate that; my frustration
level puts me on edge, ready to jump at something, or jerk
back when touched.
A Bird’s Eye View 13
When someone says, “That car almost hit that kid,” I

visualize a child in the street sitting down looking at a toy
with his back to traffic. A car speeds by and barely misses
the child by 1/16th of an inch. You cannot tell for a
second or two if the child was hit or not. I am ready to go
chase down the driver of the car to stop him. With all my
senses on total alert, my body is one mass of energy and
totally focused on getting this car found and stopped. We
can’t let someone else get hurt! Then, as I hear the details
of the story, I find out the child was on the sidewalk, at
least three feet from the car and the child was looking at
the car the whole time and never tried to run away from
the car. As I realize this, I want to yell, “Why did you say
the kid almost got hit by the car? The car was at least three
feet away!” Of course, my affect is very calm and
unemotional through the whole ordeal. In fact, people
comment on why I am not upset, or on how calm I remain
through crisis.
Another type of word confusion is, “He looks like a
truck ran over him.” Once I’ve heard that, I have to find
out what it means. Does he have a black eye, disheveled
shirt, bags under his eyes, or what? I can’t let go until I
have a more accurate visual picture of what they mean by
that cliché. When I ask someone where the crescent
wrench is and he says, “over there,” I want to scream.
“Over there” is saying, start looking everywhere but here. I
asked so I wouldn’t have to look! Why not just say “on the
bench,” “near the grinder,” etc.
An important element of all of this is that the stress and
energized body does not go away quickly. In fact, it
usually takes me hours to feel calm again, if nothing else

happens. The majority of life is stress, period. Well, now
you have an idea of the importance of communication in
the life of a person with Asperger Syndrome. I hope these
examples and explanations help you better understand
your Asperger family member.
Let’s look at structure, order, and language. The way
we think is in order, as well as visually. I think of it as a
filing system in my head. While attending a Spanish
language school about three years ago, I discovered some
important insights into my own mind. I noticed that after
doing my workbook, listening to audiotapes and
studying my other homework, I believed I was ready for
class the next day. In fact, I was ready. But something
strange was happening to me. After the first ten minutes in
class, I was lost. This, of course, was frustrating. It was also
embarrassing, as we had to recite and modify sentences
out loud in Spanish in front of our peers. I didn’t have any
problem doing this at home with audiotapes, but I did in
class. It was not typical peer pressure that affected me,
though; it was something else.
The first exercise we did in class was to do recitation.
The teacher would pick different students randomly as we
worked through the exercises out loud. If I went first, I got
the modification correct. If I went after anyone who made
a mistake or said it differently than expected, I lost it.
(Sometimes I would visualize, with my eyes open, an
explosion like fireworks in the sky.) I could not follow the
class after that; it was confusing as the students went on
from one sentence to another. I could rarely get back on
track. I was doing well in the classes where we did not

have to go through this exercise. I also knew I had some
intellectual ability.
After graduating twelfth from the bottom out of 743
kids in high school, I did well in college. I had an AGS
degree with a 3.9 grade point average and a BS degree
with a 4.0 grade point average. I had received one B from
a teacher who informed us the first day of class that during
his thirteen years of teaching he had never given a student
an A for his class. He said no one had ever earned one from
him. I received a C+ in Algebra, but As in the rest of my
classes. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me
in the language school. I began seeing a psychologist with
an educational testing background. Dr McCoy turned out
to be a fine psychologist. Not only did he help me
understand my learning process better, he helped Estelle
and I understand each other better. Our marriage has been
richer for it.
I learned that what had happened in some high school
classes was happening again in the language school.
Whenever the instruction got out of order, or was not
what I had expected, I got lost and confused. In junior
high school I gave up trying; I wasn’t going to this time. I
had learned by now that I wasn’t stupid. In college I was
given material to learn and papers to write or tests to take,
many were essays or multiple choice. I excelled because I
taught myself the material in an order my brain accepted. I
did this for all classes except Algebra. There was that
classroom exercise problem again! Even though I used a
graduate student tutor prior to class, I would get lost

within ten minutes after the exercises started.
Now, I will unfold some thoughts about behavior.
Behavior needs to be in order, at least that is my
perception of the Asperger mind. We have a need for
consistency. This need seems to be universal in almost
every area of life, in general ways. I have read about how
Asperger people are drawn to occupations like education,
engineering, etc., areas where their IQs can be used and
yet they are allowed to work primarily on their own, in
their way. I do think we are also drawn into structured
occupations that sometimes involve interacting with
people. I cannot say I recommend this; however, it has
been true in my case.
As I reflect on my work history and what I have
chosen, I see clearly that something inherently led me to
structure. I believe that something was that I could not
think of other occupations visually in an orderly way in
my mind. I could not be a salesman. The thought of living
off an unpredictable paycheck cannot be formed or
visualized in my mind. I never understood what a
professor really did because of my class time confusion. I
never heard an explanation of an engineer that I could
visualize, probably because I heard bits and pieces of the
different types of engineers without an explanation. I have
since learned to use dictionaries and encyclopedias to
clarify murky perceptions of things I hear about. Often,
people do not explain them in order, but the books usually
do. Johannes Gutenberg’s invention of the printing press
is a true friend of the Asperger people.
At different times as a teenager, I dreamed about and

visualized being a sailor, a police officer, and a green beret
soldier. I realize now, all of those occupations required
everyone to behave in a well-established manner that
everyone knew about and understood. I saw images of them
on TV and story lines in movies that explained their work.
I turned eighteen in boot camp. The structure of the Navy
was comforting. It was really clear that all of us were told
the same rules on how to behave. This was understandable
and wonderful to me. I finally had a sense of being on a
level playing field with the others around me. Life was not
subjective anymore. Life was organized with a clear view
of what was supposed to happen. Social cues and reading
messages between the lines in people’s conversation was
very insignificant compared to following orders and
getting the job done!
I used the system to gain rank, and with it more pay.
Clearly systems became friends of mine. Even if they were
slow, they were the same for everyone. It didn’t matter
what club you were in or what sport you played or if you
didn’t. Teachers’ pets, guidance counselors’ favorites and
class presidents had no meaning in the military. I did not
have to be socially “in.” All I had to do was follow the
rules, work hard, and take tests. Man, this was what I was
made for! On the flight deck of the aircraft carrier I was
on, everyone wore a certain color of jersey and life vest
that told everyone else what job they did. There was red,
green, blue, yellow, brown, and purple. You could see at a
glance who was doing what, my kind of world!
When my time was up in the Navy, I wanted a new

challenge. Not realizing how much I enjoyed or needed
the structure, I tried working with crop dusters for a while.
I quickly started to pursue structure again, in the form of a
police department. Nine months out of the Navy, I started
working as a police officer in California. The structure was
great. I had the rank structure of the department and I had
city ordinances, a state vehicle code and a state penal code
that told me how everyone was supposed to behave. This
was right up my alley. I was just beginning to see a strong
need for structure in life.
As seems to be typical with Asperger people, I needed
a new challenge after nearly two years on the force. I
decided to switch to another structured environment,
although I did not look at it that way. I was driven by the
need for a challenge and recognized a desire for structure.
I did not like the push and pull to control me that it had on
my life, yet I was seeing it’s reality. I pursued my third
visualized occupation.
I joined the Army with a contract for Airborne, Special
Forces, and Military Intelligence. I also met my future
bride during this time. I never became a Green Beret, but I
did hold a top secret clearance and I did work in
Intelligence. By now, I saw my need for structure and a
college education. I took some college classes while a
police officer and continued it off and on while in the
Army. After four years in the Army, I was prepared to make
the military a career. Then I was told I would have to go to
Turkey without my wife and two-and-a-half-year-old son
for a year.
I was torn between my loyalty to them and my desire

for an honorable career. I have read that Asperger people
are unusually loyal. I sense an intense loyalty to those that
I am committed to. I chose to be with my young son Jared
and my wife Estelle. I couldn’t imagine (literally) leaving
my little boy without a dad for a year because of a career
that I wanted. I left the military and ended up working as a
police officer for the Veteran’s Administration. Imagine
that! Asperger Syndrome had hugely influenced my life in
so many ways and yet I didn’t have a name for it, or even
know that I had a “disorder.”
I finished an Associate’s degree. I wasn’t making
enough money to really support my family. I tried the
private sector for work again and at the four-month mark I
found myself working for the Department of Justice. I just
had to have the structure, and was really beginning to
accept that. I knew I would have a set work schedule and a
certain amount of pay. I started as a correctional officer
and continued college. Three months after receiving my
Bachelor’s degree, I was selected for a promotion to case
manager and transferred to another prison complex in
Texas.
After some time I was driven for more challenge. As
Estelle puts it, “Once you conquer something, you are
done with it.” I was driven on to a position as a partially
supported missionary in a relatively structured environ-
ment. After about two-and-a-half years, I was promoted to
the administration level. In that position for a little more
than a year, I needed another challenge. Since we were in a
Spanish speaking country and I realized how poor my
Spanish grammar was, we became fully supported

missionaries and went to language school.
I had developed enough faith in God through the
structure He provided and experience with Him to do it.
That structure came through prayer letters, presentations,
and of, course, very clear-cut promises from Him in the
Bible. I had shifted my structure from agencies, to God.
This happened after experiencing bouts of hepatitis,
typhoid and little money at times. He proved to be faithful
and He kept His part of the commitment.
After our time at language school we were asked to
work at our ministry’s headquarters. I could not compute
just learning Spanish better and moving to Indiana. It
wouldn’t fit into my brain’s filing system. I had no
category to file it under. We moved to Colorado where we
knew there was an abundance of Spanish speaking
migrant workers. In my structured thinking, I found the
line of ordered thinking; I had to use what I had just
learned.
Currently, I am working as the Operations and
Facilities Manager for a rescue mission, a 100-acre farm
with 60 homeless men living on it. As you can guess, it is a
structured environment. Everybody operates under the
guidelines of a handbook. Even as I write this I see even
more so how the need for structure and challenge have
had such a grip on me. Realizing the powerful pulls of
challenge and structure, Asperger people can better plan
and order their futures. This knowledge is helpful to all of
us in choosing a career and life direction.
Well, now you have a bird’s eye view of how at least

one Asperger person sees the world. I’ve articulated the
need for correct words, correct behavior for others and
myself, the need for ordered thoughts, and the powerful
pull for challenge and structure in our lives. The next
chapter will explain how all this is played out in
day-to-day married life. Estelle has some very interesting
words for you in this next chapter. She is a wonderful wife
and continues to teach me how to laugh through our
struggles.
2
Living with an Asperger

Husband
The year was 1983. A casual setting, he was dressed

formally. Wearing a buttoned up lime green polyester
sixties suit, he had a white long sleeved dress shirt but no
tie. On his feet were brown suede shoes. The suit was too
small for his twenty-four-year-old athletic body. The
sleeves were too short. The jacket was too tight. The pant
hems fell just to his ankles revealing black cotton socks.
The shoes had long ago been worn down to the soles,
leaving him walking on the sides of his feet. Though it
looked like he walked out of the local Salvation Army, in
reality, he was wearing one of his two favorite suits from
years past. Amazing. Even more amazing was the
confidence that exuded from him.
The women sought after him at the weekly Bible study
meetings we both attended. The men respected him for
his leadership, and wisdom. I often watched him meeting
the needs of those around him with compassion and
concern. Needless to say, I fell for him. That was almost
nineteen years ago.
23
Our first years of marriage were met with only normal

conflicts, or so I thought. The smallest differences
between us brought strife and extreme frustration. But
wasn’t that what all newly married couples went through?
Patrick and I just needed to get to know each other better.
And being “in love” helped us overlook the confusion.
As time went on our differences grew, as well as the
confusion. Was it me? My actions seemed to cause great
amounts of stress. Inappropriate word usage, using gener-
alization in a conversation, saying something flippantly
without thinking, not having “edible” food in the house,
or being late, could easily send him into a frenzied state.
Trying to understand me stressed him into a state of
immobilization. He would lie down, and cover his eyes,
while remaining completely still and quiet. What
happened? I didn’t understand.
Trying to figure out why we had such conflict led us to
seek the advice of a counselor. This stress was hurting our
marriage and building a wall of separation. To me, the
issues were insignificant. Why was Patrick making such a
big deal about things? To Patrick, these were life-
stopping issues. How could I not see what I was doing to
him? Did I not respect him enough to change my
stress-creating behavior? We discussed our IQ differences.
Could that be the problem? I was convinced that Patrick’s
IQ was way beyond normal. He did not think on the
average level, but on things out of my range. He enjoyed
discussing deep philosophical issues, yet when I tried to
engage him in “regular conversation,” more conflict
Living with an Asperger Husband 25
ensued. He made the simple things of life complex and the

most complicated simple.
Our new focus of seeing each other as individuals with
varied backgrounds, as advised by the counselor, only
gave us some breathing room. But in time, the stress
returned in full force. Initially, I blamed myself. I felt that
no matter how hard I tried there was no peace to be found.
I stuffed the anger year after year. When I could no longer
hold it in, I began to resent Patrick. Believing he was
making big issues out of nothing made me quite angry. He
would freak over something little, then blame me for it! I
eventually decided it was his problem. He would have to
get over it.
Several things happened to bring about a turning
point in our lives. I finally started listening to Patrick. I
began to see the stress that Jared was feeling due to the
conflict in our lives. And, I also began to realistically look
at issues in my own life I needed to deal with.
For many years Patrick had been trying to “teach me”
how to peacefully live with him, but I would not listen.
His explanations did not make any sense to me. I also did
not want to stop and change. I believed that most of our
conflict was due to his being too picky and demanding to
have things his way.
Jared entered puberty and Mom and Dad were no
longer perfect. Our normal teenager, being very
intelligent, somehow discovered that things weren’t quite
right. Before Patrick’s Asperger diagnosis, I tried to find
every possible explanation for his different behavior. But,
that no longer worked. Dad’s Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde
performances did not continue unnoticed. Jared finally

said to me, “No, Mom, something is definitely wrong with
Dad. That just isn’t like him. He is like two different
people.” Jared’s statement helped jolt me into reality. I did
not want to believe that Patrick and I had some major
problems. But seeing that Jared was being affected by our
problem, I could no longer be in denial. Patrick and I
could struggle, but our son should not have to suffer.
Again Patrick and I sought help.
Getting an Asperger diagnosis gave our family
direction. It gave us the freedom to move forward. I began
to see Patrick differently. He would focus in on minute,
trivial issues. He would explode, then go on and on and on
about whatever was bothering him. I stopped to notice his
frustration for what it was instead of being angry with him
for being frustrated. I still couldn’t seem to see any pattern
to what would set him off. I did notice that when I would
be calm and tried to understand, he became calm. But
when I reacted emotionally, it was like igniting a bomb!
He also felt terrible when he treated me badly. I began to
realize that he was just as bothered by his outbursts as I
was. This was very helpful to me.
For a teenager, having “something different about
Dad” is not easy to accept. Focusing on the fact that
everyone has differences, and accepting others regardless
of those differences have been our focal points. However,
Jared is quite normal and likes to see his parents’ reactions
to his various behaviors. He is quickly realizing that he
may secure two quite varied responses. When Jared pushes
Dr Jeckyl’s buttons, he may face lifelong grounding, while
Mr Hyde may just laugh at his attempts to annoy him. He

has learned to check out whom he is dealing with before
testing his limits.
Jared is still learning that regular doses of honest
communication with Dad will keep him out of trouble. He
has also come to realize that negative attitudes are felt and
body language is read by his dad a long distance away.
Mom’s job as an interpreter and an encourager sure does
come in handy when he’s in trouble. Jared is smart to
secure a “reality check” from me at those times. He also
asks my intervention or advice on how to negotiate with
Dad. However, simple, honest communication with Dad
is the key to a quick resolution, which is what we all want.
When I look back, I am ashamed of my careless
responses and lack of compassion in dealing with Patrick.
If I had listened to him earlier and made simple changes
we could have avoided much heartache in our relation-
ship. As I now realize the challenges Patrick faces daily I
more deeply appreciate him. He has adapted significantly
in life and the effort he puts into our relationship to make
me happy puts me to shame. I am truly loved.
Patrick has so many positive qualities which he uses to
love others. He is extremely sensitive and loving.
Knowing how criticism and misunderstanding feels, he
always works to build others up. Patrick notices the
underdog and goes to bat for him. He is generous with his
compliments, gifts, time and attention. He is a loyal and
committed family man. Patrick is concerned about the
good of our family and works hard to protect it. Friends
and co-workers notice how spoiled I am by Patrick’s
thoughtfulness and chivalry. I am cared for and nurtured

beyond my expectations.
Some of Patrick’s differences are now enjoyable to me
or even quite funny. My husband likes sleeping on the
couch occasionally, but not because he’s in trouble. It is
one way for him to be alone and to truly unwind.
Sometimes when he doesn’t feel smothered he will invite
me to sleep on the couch with him! I now make a game of
Patrick’s “rejection” of my romantic attempts. I warn him
ahead of time that I am going to hug him or show him
affection. I tell him he shouldn’t tell his wife not to hurt
him when I just want to cuddle. Imagine having to ask
your husband of eighteen years for a hug! Or being told
your kisses feel like a drill putting a hole in his cheek!
Patrick also enjoys listening to Morse code, as it is
soothing to his ears. He will play it as one puts on a good
CD to relax to. Patrick enjoys a good chat in the wee hours
of the morning. Sometimes I will hear a friendly voice at
4am inviting me out into the living room to talk. Patrick is
very tender with animals. He enters their world and can
see from their perspective, becoming an advocate for
them. Often he will ask me to do or change something for
our pets in a way that I know he can feel what they are
feeling.
Patrick regularly seeks out my help in understanding
how to live peacefully in this “world of humanoids.” We
have made several changes to help him to “blend in” a little
better. We replaced a ten year old hairstyle with a more
modern one. I’ve convinced him to throw out some of his
favorite T-shirts that you could see through. The Salvation
Army has acquired many of his outgrown or out of style

pants. And the shoes we’ve simply thrown away!
Patrick still has a “uniform” to pick from each day;
however, now his clothes are modern and match well –
except for the days when he feels especially eccentric. On
those days he may match painted jeans with a nice dress
shirt or dress pants with tennis shoes. I really try hard not
to be upset with him. He has told me that I can have
almost anything I want from him if I will simply ask. So if
it’s important for me to have him wear certain clothes on a
special occasion, I surely better ask before he dresses
because once he’s dressed, he’s dressed. And I might really
be in for a surprise!
I have learned many other ways in which I can help
keep Patrick’s highly sensitized sensory system from
going into overload. Using correct language, a pleasant
tone of voice and non-threatening body language helps
him to be calm. My calmness is a balm to him. My
“freaking out” sends shock waves through his body taking
sometimes days to get over. Answering questions exactly
the way presented decreases his stress level. A “yes” or “no”
is more than sufficient most times. When I allow him to sit
without being distracted, he can desensitize. My
answering the phone or dealing with people keeps him
from overstimulating his sensory system. Living by
systems or rules we have set up in our home gives him
structure he can count on. We have clearly defined areas of
responsibilities making home a place of peace.
Patrick is teachable. When he can ask my perception
of others’ behavior, he learns to understand them, thus
allowing continued relationships. I also can interpret him

for others when the need arises. Patrick needs the freedom
to be himself so I don’t try to make him into what I think
he should be. Since Patrick deeply cares for Jared and me,
I need to allow him to love us the way he wants to. I need
to be honest with him at all times so he can trust me. He
doesn’t want to be the focus or have us catering to his
needs. When I have food he can eat available, he can take
care of himself, which keeps him from feeling dependent
on me. When I make home life consistent and mellow, he
can use his energy to give us what we need.
An area of life that has caused extreme frustration for
both of us has been food. Never did I think that food
would become such an issue. At one point I tried to quit
my “job” as a cook, but my resignation was not accepted!
“What’s to eat?” became the question I most dreaded.
Needing sameness makes cooking a bore and a chore.
Meals can be quite boring when you can’t mix one item
with another. For my husband, every item must be plain
and separated on the plate. And relaxing on the job has
resulted in inedible food. If the food cooks too long, the
consistency is affected. Or if I am thinking about
something when the salt gets added, the taste will be
different, creating such a shock that Patrick cannot eat it
when he tries. Meals also need to be eaten at the same time
each day. Not being able to eat “on time” will throw
Patrick’s whole day off. Meals are a constant he needs to
count on.
Another interesting factor that took me forever to
comprehend was the dessert issue. While waiting for
dinner, Patrick would eat the last few cookies or other

sweet I had available. After enjoying our meal, he’d ask,
“What’s for dessert?” I’d go looking for the cookies only
to find that he had eaten them. Even though he had had
his sweets, it wasn’t “dessert” since it was eaten before
dinner, not after!
Social life has been a real issue in the past! Patrick and
I have since worked out a pretty good plan that seems to
work well for us. Before, dinners and other get-togethers
presented a problem. Many times events were scheduled
and looked forward to by Jared and myself, then cancelled
at the last moment. Patrick had had just too much people
exposure and needed a break. He either didn’t feel well or
was irritable and knew he was not in the mood to deal
with people.
Although we want and need to spend time with
others, we have to make modifications to keep Patrick’s
world in order. If we are going to a dinner, I inconspicu-
ously find out in advance what will be served to allow
Patrick to eat ahead of time, if he can’t eat the food to be
served. We have certain routines set up so I can “rescue”
him from conversations he can’t get out of, or help him to
leave from work when he needs to. Planning ahead to
leave early from a function allows Patrick to avoid long
drawn out good-byes and gives Patrick the freedom to
complete his evening routine. We avoid last minute social
events so Patrick can have the time he needs to prepare for
social time. He takes ample people breaks beforehand so
he can be nice to us “humanoids.” It also keeps him from
being irritable because of over-stimulation, doing
Asperger tics (e.g. raising his eyebrows, pulling on his

beard and stretching his lips repeatedly), or having to
cancel out at the last moment.
Although Patrick is stressed by too much time with
people, one of his special interests is people, a rarity I
think, due to the anti-social nature of Asperger folks. The
study of people is a hobby for him. Many times we’ve
gone to the mall to eat a cookie and watch people. Many
of our conversations are filled with the whys and hows of
people. Patrick has such a deep love for the people around
him. He continually seeks to love them by giving and
sharing.
Our family truly has benefited from acknowledging
the label of Asperger Syndrome. It has opened our eyes to
reveal a world of very talented and gifted people to whom
the world owes much. Having been touched by the life of
one of them has made me a better person. Looking
through Patrick’s eyes is helping me to appreciate much in
life that I have taken for granted. I look forward to what
richness we will enjoy as we uncover more of the hidden
secrets of Asperger Syndrome.
3
Staying Married
and Enjoying it!
To keep a marriage healthy and enjoy one’s spouse

requires a great deal of effort. However, adding an extra
element of Asperger Syndrome to the equation causes this
effort to become much greater. In this chapter, Patrick and
I will separately discuss some of the more stressful issues
we face in our daily lives and how we have learned to deal
with them. We will cover intimacy, socialization, clothing,
routines, communication, time alone and trust.
A word from Estelle…

An Asperger person vitally needs touch! However, mental
preparation has to be made for this type of stimulation to
be a positive experience for an Asperger person. Touch
can be calming or shocking, depending on how and when
it is performed. The feeling of skin to skin can go unfelt if
the receiving person is not properly prepared. At other
times this sensation can have such a negative effect that
the Asperger person will recoil, as if in pain. I learned this
the hard way.
33
Throughout our many years of marriage I have

lovingly hugged Patrick or kissed him on the cheek.
Frequently this action generated a negative response, a
recoiled stiffened body, with a stoic face. At first, being
the cheerful optimist, I did not even notice. Gradually, I
finally realized what was happening and my feelings were
hurt. Patrick acted like he loved me, so why was he
behaving in this manner? He responded that he “just
needed to get ready for it.” That didn’t make sense! How
does anyone have to prepare to receive love? Eventually I
decided to make a game of it. I warned him before kissing
him so he could have the time he needed to connect my
love with the action. That helped both of us considerably.
However, as the years went by, the withdrawal from my
physical affection became more and more apparent. Often
when I tried to kiss him, he would turn his face and put his
hands up as if defending himself. Finally, I requested a
better explanation, whereby Patrick related that when I
kissed him, he felt holes were being drilled into his
cheeks. How’s that for romance?
Physical touch can also be a positive experience. For
Patrick, skin-to-skin stimulation can be used as a therapy
for relieving stress. A light scratch or a deep muscle
massage has a calming effect. To help Patrick relax I
sometimes scratch his scalp, arms or back, thereby
achieving a healthy physical and emotional response. If he
is extremely tense, I use deep muscle therapy, which calms
him down considerably. As he becomes calm, his tone of
voice changes and his body relaxes. Using touch in a way
that Patrick responds to positively has brought closeness
Staying Married and Enjoying it! 35
in our relationship we both have desired, although at

times, thought impossible.
Socializing is a point of genuine frustration for the
Asperger person. This area has brought much tension and
turmoil into our home, pitting us against each other.
Having always been involved in people work, social
activities were a “necessary evil” for Patrick. We always
assumed we would attend this function or that. When the
day arrived, however, Patrick came up with reasons as to
why he should not go or how he did not feel up to it. Of
course, Jared and I would be encouraged to go, but not
having Patrick with us took all the fun out of it. I did not
understand the over-stimulation factor, caused by too
much time with people, so I created more stress by
emotionally pressuring him to go.
Over-stimulation from being around people makes
Patrick irritable and an unpleasant person to be around.
However, now we have taken action to change this
negative drain on our relationship. Together we plan our
time in such a way that allows for a balance of social
interaction and down time. This allows us both to have
our individual needs met. As a couple, we decide which
activities we can realistically be involved in, depending on
how many demands already are on our time. We try to
have realistic expectations. This means that sometimes I
go alone, or we all go to an activity, but do not stay long.
Patrick and I give ourselves the freedom to cancel out of
activities at the last minute, without feeling guilty.
Patrick and I have realized the importance of planning
our days to ensure Patrick has enough down time
necessary to engage in the people time. Sometimes this

means only making a quick presence at functions. Some
time ago we attended a wedding, dressing to the hilt and
timing our arrival to avoid all the small talk. We stayed
long enough to be seen by the parents of the bride talking
to a few people to make our presence known. We missed
eating the awesome food catered in, but we did go
together. Other times I have had to make concessions
allowing for Patrick to attend functions I want him to go
to. Recently, the two of us went to a basketball game. What
made it possible for Patrick to go was that he could wear
the clothes he had on. He also brought items to work on,
giving him an excuse to avoid the social interaction, at the
same time allowing him to feel productive. I avoided
introducing him to people so he was able to be alone, yet I
still enjoyed his company.
Even with the best planning, however, sometimes our
plans have to be cancelled. As a couple we have learned to
cancel something out of our schedule or pay the price for
over-stimulation. We try to avoid Patrick reaching the
point of over-stimulation, but sometimes this is
unavoidable. When we reach this level, a decision must be
made as to what is important for both of us to attend, what
I must attend by myself, and what we can cancel
altogether. Understanding the amount of stress caused by
a lack of balance between people time and down time,
together with joint decision-making, takes away the soil
for discontentment and allows for richness in our
marriage.
Another adjustment made is my acceptance of the role

of “social director.” I can accept or reject an invitation for
our family, depending on whether or not Patrick is ready
for people. If this is a necessary social function, I play the
part of an extrovert, covering for Patrick’s need to
withdraw socially. Before attending functions, I check on
the food to be served ahead of time. As well, I teach
Patrick what to wear for each occasion.
Our family was recently invited to be part of a dinner
club in which my social director status came into play. I
first gathered as much information as possible by casually
asking many questions. This information provided Patrick
with a visual of what to expect. We discussed whether or
not we could afford the people time, and what would be
needed to make our involvement a success. This included
such decisions as: not committing to other social activities
for an allotted timeframe, having the dinners on a
weekend when he would be more relaxed, and trying not
to disrupt his schedule. Since Patrick was fairly
comfortable with the people involved, that was not a stress
to deal with. The time of the dinners and the food being
served were the uncontrollable factors. I requested an
early dinnertime, and gave the other couples a few days
Patrick and I would be available. When the time came for
the women to discuss the menu, I was able to make sure
Patrick could eat what was planned. With careful
planning and consideration, the dinner club was a success.
Clothing can be another battlefield in an Asperger
marriage. My dream is that one of these days there will be
an Asperger line of clothing. The texture will be soft on
the inside, not scratchy at all. These clothes will be

extremely comfortable, not necessarily enhancing the
person’s figure. They will be uniform in nature, plain in
color, so as to match everything. The Asperger line will
have one pair of pants for dress and another for work. The
shirts will all be similar in style. This unique line of
clothing would never change or be “upgraded” for
marketing purposes. The same stores will always carry this
clothing in the same place, and they would never be out of
stock. Sound dull? Actually to the wife of an Asperger
man, this sounds like the perfect solution!
The topic of clothing used to invoke many unpleasant
discussions. Initially, I modernized Patrick’s closet with
pants and shirts that enhanced his looks. I tried to “make”
Patrick wear a variety of clothes he was quite unhappy
with. I bought lots of colors and styles of pants and shirts.
But though they were indeed his size, when he tried them
on, he found them too big, too small, too short, the wrong
color or just plain uncomfortable! When Patrick liked
something I picked out for him, I would get excited. So to
please me, he would wear it every day, until I wished I had
never bought the thing!
Patrick really does not care if his clothes don’t match.
He does not care about colors or styles. In fact, I don’t
think he even notices, unless the particular item appears
“wrong” (like our son’s pants dragging on the ground or
women wearing men’s clothing). What is important is that
his clothes are clean, comfortable, and free of holes. If his
clothes are not like that, he cannot wear them.
Another stressful issue dealing with clothing is

Patrick’s inability to change his attire after he has first
dressed. Patrick believes that people should put clothes on
first thing in the morning, and then change into their
bedclothes at night. That’s it! There are no variations of
this schedule. The trouble comes along when the situation
merits different clothing. On a recent weekend Patrick
had dressed to work around the house, but shortly
thereafter our family was invited to a Super Bowl party.
Knowing that it was a good opportunity to spend time
with our friends, we went. However, Patrick went “as is,”
keeping his work clothes on. Fortunately, our friends
accepted us for who we were and overlooked the clothes
he wore! Other times we have not been so blessed.
Upon our arrival to northern Colorado, Patrick and I
attended a social event in our community. All of Patrick’s
pants were unwearable due to paint, grease, etc. and we
had not yet made it to the store to purchase more.
(Shopping for clothes is another story!) So there I was all
decked out in my dress clothes, while Patrick wore his
“spoiled” pants and a nice sweater to meet our new
neighbors! I had determined not to be embarrassed.
Later, however, my feelings were hurt when a woman
commented to me, “I saw you and then I saw him and
wondered, ‘What could you possibly be doing with that
man?’”
A solution for having Patrick fit into the norm a little
better is to have a uniform that is agreed upon. His is
adaptable to be used for dress, work, or play. Shirts and
sweaters, but not pants, are used to make the necessary
transitions for various activities. Another remedy is for my

dress to be similar to Patrick’s, so as not to make his
appearance stand out.
Routines or sameness is of extreme importance in the
Asperger world. Schedules are the norm and are to be kept
and not broken or changed at almost any cost. This
structure provides the Asperger person with the ability to
function in a world full of “variables.”
Preparation for change helps keep the stress level
down when situations do have to change. Communicating
a possible change in our normal routines is valued. Some
areas I bring to Patrick’s attention are those such as menu
or time changes for dinner and possible upsets in the
weekend plans. In December, our son had been asked to
be an usher at a wedding. Because the groom was an
important figure in our teenage son’s life, this was a
necessary function to attend. I talked with Patrick ahead
of time bringing to his attention the change in his normal
schedule. This communication beforehand did not take
the stress of the change away, but it did allow for Patrick
to be able to make the change. My willingness to help
Patrick in this area of his life shows him that I care,
thereby deepening our relationship.
Since our days are scheduled, drop in visits can be
tough. Although we like to visit with our friends, it is
much easier on Patrick if social activities are planned in
advance. One day some of our out-of-town friends paid us
an unexpected visit. Patrick’s world was thrown into a
jumble. He had had the whole day planned out, but now it
was in disarray. When these situations arise, I jump in as
the extrovert I am not, to “cover” for Patrick’s unsocial

behavior, allowing him to try to regain his structure.
Patrick and I have found some essential keys of
communication to help provide marital harmony. These
require that I stay on track in story telling and use words as
they are defined. Because of my sanguine temperament
type, I find this form of communication especially difficult
to use. As I get excited, I spew out words, which are
extremely confusing to Patrick and only cause to frustrate
him. He wants to understand what I have to say, but all he
hears is gibberish. Because I love him, I have learned to
slow down and think through what I am saying before I
let the words flow. I have to think about how my words are
coming across to Patrick if I want him to share in my
excitement.
One essential key of communication is using words as
they are defined. From time to time we have some
discussion on what I mean by the words I use. For
example, Patrick has asked me what it means for me to love
him. He wants to love me back as I love him. He must
know if we are using the same words in the same way.
Because Patrick has a need to trust and believe me, he
must understand what I mean by the words I use.
For unstressed communication, I need to stay on track
when relaying an event that has happened. This means I
must get to the bottom line first, then refrain from using
“he said” and “she said” phrases. Using individual names is
crucial. If there is more than one of the same first names, I
use last names as well. Often I will use something about
the person’s looks or interests so Patrick can visualize that
person. I must also tell the story in the order of events, not
jumping to the end or leaving essential parts of the story
out. In this way, I stay on track allowing Patrick to
understand my communication.
Having time alone is a necessity. If Patrick does not get
the time alone he needs, his frustration level slowly builds,
without the pressure being relieved. The end result can be
damaging to a relationship. The way Patrick fulfills this
need is to lie still and alone on the bed, in his favorite chair
or on the floor with a pillow with silence and darkness.
When he does get time without people, radios or dogs,
Patrick becomes peaceful and his head clears.
Early on in our marriage, Patrick always came up with
a reason to pull away, be still and quiet, with a T-shirt over
his head. He was just resting, thinking or having allergy
problems, etc. He knew he needed that time. And I knew if
he did not get that time, there would be problems! So,
when he had his time alone, he was a nicer guy for it.
These days, we try to schedule in that time alone. If Patrick
can get the time alone he needs before it becomes an issue,
I can still get the interaction I need with him. It works well
this way.
For trust to develop there must be total, brutal honesty
in a relationship. Without trust, there cannot be a
relationship. Patrick would rather have truth even if he
does not like what he hears. Eventually, he would find out
the truth and the trust would be broken. In our
relationship, I need to be completely honest about what I
want or need. For example, I need to let Patrick know how
often I need hugs or when I need them. I need to tell him
how much time I need with him. He is so good about

giving me what I want when he knows what I want. But
when he doesn’t know, he is extremely frustrated because
he wants to make me happy.
Our marriage has richness not realized in many rela-
tionships. This richness has been developed as Patrick and
I have learned how to be successful in the areas of
intimacy, socialization, clothing, routines, communica-
tion, time alone and trust. Since Asperger Syndrome
causes simple events to be quite stressful for Patrick,
putting extra effort into these areas has been the cause for
the richness we now enjoy.
Patrick’s view…
Touch is very powerful. To me, it is either a great
experience or an unpleasant one. At times, it feels like
being shoved, or poked. There is really no middle ground,
at least not much of one. Estelle and I have taught each
other how each of us view touch and what it does to us in
different situations. I plan to touch Estelle according to
how she likes it, not on what I want. I realize she likes a lot
of it. I make an effort to touch her non-sexually
throughout the day, often. If I make this heartfelt routine a
reality, it helps her know I love her. It also prepares her for
more passionate touch! Estelle and I hug in the morning
and kiss in the afternoon, before and after work. In the
evening we often sit in my big chair together; I touch her
hand, leg, etc., for a length of time. Brevity does not count
when it comes to touching.
Social life can be fun. However, most of the time it is

stressful. People do not allow for others to be themselves.
One must dress appropriately, have the proper etiquette,
clothing, etc… I do not enjoy this game. Often I go only
because Estelle wants to. I see it as an act of loyalty and
love to her. We prepare for it as Estelle explained.
Clothes are wonderful. Why do “humanoids” get so
hung up on matching or styles? Frankly, it seems fake to
me. People present themselves the way others want them
to. To an Asperger person, this makes no sense. A person is
a person, not what they wear. Clothes are bought, sold,
traded, and worn out, but soul and character are not.
Estelle and I use a “uniform” as she describes it, for her
sake. She deserves not to be embarrassed by me. I agree to
wear certain clothes for her. My only request is that I only
have to wear my uniform. I often think that I would like to
dress up more for her; it seems impossible. Sometimes I
feel trapped inside my own brain.
Sameness, routine, or lack of change is very helpful in
my life. I do like variation within the sameness, sometimes.
When we eat pizza out, I will have only cheese for a
certain time period. Then I will switch to sausage for a
while. To me, that is variation, but to Estelle, variation is
different types of food, such as pizza, hamburgers or
Chinese food. Food courts at malls are a good place to go
when eating out since everyone gets a choice. I’ll stick
with my routine…
Communication is critical for any relationship. My
relationships must have honesty, correct words, and be
free from antagonism. Honesty is self-explanatory. “Little
white lies” are not acceptable since I will not know what to
believe or not believe from someone. Words must always
be completely and totally honest. I cannot be close to
someone that lies to me; there is no foundation for the
relationship. Correct words are words used as defined, or
used by the general population. I give the people in
meaningful relationships to me more attention and
intensity when they talk. Because of that, I pay more
attention to detail. If the conversation is frustrating, I
would rather not talk. One cannot avoid talking and still
keep a relationship.
I do need regular time alone, which is preferred once a
day. Absolute darkness and silence is best although
sometimes I listen to Morse code to mellow me out. The
dits and dahs are like music, beautiful music. This time
alone is planned, so as not to interfere with what is
important to my family. Usually this is very preventative in
nature. If I have sufficient time alone, then I can be nicer to
those around me. If not, then my frustration comes out in
ways that hurt others.
Talking often and honestly about frustrating areas in
our marriage, before getting too frustrated is important.
Understanding how each of us views intimacy, socializa-
tion, clothing, routines, communication, time alone and
trust gives us satisfaction in our relationship. This, in turn,
has grown our marriage to be healthy and strong.
4
The Basics of Living

with an Asperger Dad
There are many ways of dealing with a dad that has

Asperger Syndrome (AS). I am going to share some of
them with you from my personal experiences. These
experiences have all been acquired through various years
of living and working with an Asperger parent, my dad.
Feeling
I remember vividly about six years ago I was trying to strip
the plastic casing off some electrical wire so that I could
put an extra light bulb in my room. I had just sharpened
my Swiss army knife to a razor sharp edge. I was using it to
shave off the casing when I slipped and cut my finger
down to the bone. Of course blood was spurting
everywhere and my friend who was there at the time kind
of got sick and panicked at the same time. I got my mom
and got the blood stopped and it fixed up, etc. When my
dad came home from work I told him in detail what had
happened and I had him look at it. During the whole time
he showed no emotion of any kind. He glanced at it and
47
said something like, “Well, that sounds like it hurt. I hope

it feels better,” and started eating his supper. I felt really
disrespected and hurt and I thought that he should at least
feel badly about it. I went away feeling like my dad didn’t
care at all about me and that I was unimportant.
For some reason the people affected by Asperger
Syndrome do not seem to feel as badly or empathize like
so called “normal” people. They will look at a situation
when somebody gets hurt, see what needs to be done, and
do it unemotionally without realizing that the person hurt
feels like they don’t care. Because they exhibit no emotion
during the whole process, the person does not see the
actual caring part, instead all he sees is that “I hurt myself
and he doesn’t even look like he could care less!” Take it
from Dad’s point of view. He came home from work tired
and just wanting to rest. When I showed him my finger he
made a huge effort to make sure it was taken care of. He
listened to me go on and on, telling him how terrible it
was and how much it hurt. He made a show of looking at
it and examining it to make me feel better. He even came
up with a few suggestions on how to make it heal faster.
To him, he did everything in his power to make sure he
did his fatherly duty and beyond. He could not under-
stand how I felt unimportant when I came back later and
asked him why he didn’t care!
One way I have found that helps to deal with this issue
is communication. In my opinion, communication is the
key for the vast majority of the differences between
Asperger people and so-called “normal” people. Simply
coming right out and saying calmly and politely what you
The Basics of Living with an Asperger Dad 49
are thinking and feeling can be a great relief of tension,

and reduce the buildup of anger. Of course you have to
realize that that is just the way Asperger people are. They
can only change so much and it will not be overnight.
Punctuality
Punctuality is a characteristic exhibited in people not
affected by the syndrome, but never as extreme as in
people that have the syndrome. For example, one day a
while ago, I had to go to a guitar lesson after school. I took
my guitar and my bicycle and rode out to my teacher’s
house because it is too far to walk to without taking too
long and being late. I got to her house and had my lesson,
paid my teacher and walked out the door over to my
bicycle. As I put my guitar on top of my bike (it is a small
BMX that I still use because it handles nicely), I realized
my back tire was flat. I was done with my lesson and I had
no more deadlines that night so I decided to walk my bike
home. I figured that maybe I would be about half an hour
late for supper. I knew that my parents would understand
because I couldn’t do anything about my tire until I got
home. I walked home. It took me about forty-five minutes
because I had to go really slow, so that my guitar would
not get bumped and get out of tune and so on and so forth.
I arrived at my house about thirty minutes late for supper.
Right as I pulled my bicycle into the gate and started to
unlock the door, my dad and mom pulled up on their
motorcycle. I figured that they had gone to the grocery
store or something. But as I looked at their faces, I knew
that something was wrong. My dad was especially worked
up. He tried to be very calm about it, but I could tell that he
was furious. He asked me where I had been and what I was
doing worrying my mother and him like that. I told him
that I had gotten a flat tire and that I came home as fast as
possible, but that it took me a long time because I had to
deal with both the bicycle and the guitar at the same time.
He announced that I was grounded until further notice
and that maybe we could talk about it tomorrow morning
when he had calmed down. Me, knowing that the best
thing was to keep my mouth shut until he had calmed
down said, “OK.” I put my stuff away and then hung out
in my room for the rest of the night, except for when he
called me out to question me about what had happened.
Now, not knowing the circumstances about why I was
late, many people would say, “Well yeah, I might have
been mad too,” but now that I have explained them, I hope
to illustrate my point. I will compare what happened there
with what has happened with my friends’ parents when
they have done the same exact thing or even worse. My
friends’ parents have simply said, “Oh OK, I was getting
ready to call your friends to see if you had stayed at one of
their houses. I’m glad that you are OK. Don’t scare your
old dad so much!” Whereas, my Dad went looking for me
and grounded me for the night.
One thing that I would suggest is that you tell your
parent that you might be late even though you are 100
percent sure that you will be home on time. The other
thing is that you make all possible effort to be about five
minutes early all the time for all occasions, no matter how
unimportant, so as to relieve their stress and not get
yourself in trouble. It is not like they are holding a double

standard. They hold themselves to the same strict
punctuality that they hold all their close family members
to. They do this because they see you as a part of
themselves, and therefore you must obey the same rules as
they do. This can have its good sides and it can have its bad
sides, but I will get into that more in detail later.
Free days equals work days

One thing about Asperger Syndrome is the need to finish
anything and everything that was started. Another thing
is the fact that free time or unstructured time, for them,
means stress filled time because they don’t know what will
happen. That is a very hard thing for them. A good
example of this is our family workdays. We usually have
one free day as a family per week. This day is Saturday
because Sunday we all go to church. Saturday time is
planned a week in advance. The rough draft of what we
will do is already figured out and ready to execute when
the day comes around. On the Saturday morning, we get
up very early and plan who will do what for the rest of the
day. Then we all go do it and meet up sometime later when
everybody has finished their assigned task.
Another interesting thing is that they always plan way
more than is humanly possible to accomplish. Even if
something happens to get in the way of that, they
continue even to the point of insanity. For example, last
month during Christmas vacation we had about two cords
of wood to cut for the day until we were done with our
workday. (For those of you who are not familiar with
wood terms, a cord is about eight feet long, two feet wide
and four feet tall, cut and stacked.) I had just had my
wisdom teeth removed the week before. I had a sinus
infection from that that I was taking my second set of
antibiotics for, as well as the Motrin for the pain and
swelling in my mouth. My dad also was sick with some
sort of chest infection. My mom had something also,
although I don’t remember what it was. None of us really
should have been working, but my Dad had planned this
ahead of time and he was going to get it done. We had
borrowed a chain saw from my dad’s work and we were
using it to cut the logs. The logs were too big for the puny
chain saw. We were going to get the wood done so we
used it anyway. About two hours through, we had about
half of our work done but the logs that were left were the
biggest ones. Our chainsaw got very dull and the engine
started acting up. We figured that the engine problem
might be gas, so we gave it some more gasoline and chain
oil. We proceeded to cut the logs but the chainsaw only
worked about quarter speed. On top of that, the chain was
about as dull as a butter knife. It took us at least fifteen
minutes to make one cut out of about two on a log. We
really should have quit when the motor messed up, but it
was necessary that we finish what we had started. It must
have taken us at least another four hours to finish cutting
everything. It was like cutting a steak with a butter knife
that was just ground, blade first into some pavement.
There is no way to really avoid this. You can only learn
to deal with this and understand it so that you will not be
so frustrated when something like this happens. You have
to realize that they are not doing this to frustrate anybody

or to be a jerk, but only that they absolutely have to finish
the job, regardless of what happens unless they die or
something like that happens. This can be a good thing too,
though, because they are very orderly and they also get a
lot more accomplished than “ordinary” people do. Our
house is much cleaner and is in much better repair than a
lot of other people’s houses that I have seen because of this
quality exhibited in my dad. We get a lot more done in our
house in one day than many people get done in a month.
Need to help
Something that ties into this is the Asperger person’s need
to help people; this is nice if you want to be helped with
everything imaginable, but the way in which this help
presents itself sometimes can be maddening. The thing
that you must realize is that when an Asperger person
helps you with something, he will not stop helping you
until the job is completely done. This means that even if
you want to quit doing something, they will not let you.
Also the way that they help you sometimes is in the very
strict routines and guidelines of the Asperger mind. The
key here is just to tell them if you want them to quit
helping you.
Wording
Another interesting thing about Asperger Syndrome is
wording and pronunciation. Everything has to be said
exactly right. Everybody has to “mean what they say, and
say what they mean.” A good example was just about half
an hour ago when I was on the phone with my dad talking

about this chapter. I was telling him that I was going to
write about seven pages today. (He knows I am typing it
up on my computer, so I automatically assumed that he
knew that that was what I was talking about.) He said,
“Jared, that’s not nearly enough to be a chapter.” I said,
“Dad, I am talking about seven typed pages, not about
actual book pages. It should be at least fourteen, if not
twenty book pages.” My dad said, “Oh, that’s great. I
thought you meant book pages.” So you see that you have
to say exactly what you mean. They take everything
literally. I have told my dad things before like, “I am going
over to Fred’s house, with Fred and Johnny here.” He says,
“OK, see you in a couple of hours.” I leave to go to Fred’s
house, stop at Johnny’s for about ten minutes, and then go
to Fred’s house and play video games for the afternoon.
When I get home Dad gives me this funny look and I
realize that I am in trouble, but I don’t know why. I have
this strange feeling that it has something to do with the
fact that I went to Fred’s house, but I can’t really pin it
down completely. He says, “Sit down, Jared; we need to
talk.” I sit down and he asks me, “What were you doing
this afternoon?” I say, “Well, I went over to Fred’s house
like I told you and we played video games for a while. I
really like his James Bond game for his ‘64. It’s really
cool.” He asks, “What else did you do, Jared?” I say, “I
stopped over at Johnny’s for about five minutes so that he
could tell his mom where he was going and get his
Rainbow Six game so that we could play it at Fred’s.” “I
thought you told me that you were going to Fred’s,” he
says. “Well yeah, that’s where I went.” “No, you went to

Johnny’s and then to Fred’s,” he says.
To me, I was doing what I said because I really did go
to Fred’s house and that is where I spent the majority of
time. So I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong.
To my dad, I said that I was going to Fred’s house and
instead I went to Johnny and Fred’s houses. When he tried
to call me and I wasn’t at Fred’s house then that meant that
I had lied to him.
The way to avoid this is to always tell your parent to
the best extent of your knowledge where you are going.
That way even if your friends’ parents don’t really care,
you are still going to be able to go to their house again. I
have found that some parents are more strict than others,
as far as that’s concerned, but usually none of them will be
as strict as a parent with Asperger Syndrome.
Another way to avoid miscommunication is to assume
nothing. Say everything very literally and make sure that
they know what you are talking about. It is not that they
are stupid at all. It is rather that you could have an entire
conversation with them, then you discover that you were
talking about two totally different things completely.
Sometimes you may have to ask for their attention to ask
them a question. In this case say, “Hey Dad,” and wait ‘til
they answer you. If you don’t, you could have to say
everything all over again because it may have looked like
they were listening, but in reality, they didn’t hear a word
that you said.
Another interesting thing is that things have to be said
the way they remember it. If they remember the
hamburger joint in town as Mike’s Greasy Burgers and, in

reality, the name is Mike’s Hamburgers and Fries, then if
you don’t call it Mike’s Greasy Burgers and instead you
say, “Let’s go to Mike’s Hamburger and Fries,” he or she
will be like, “Where? What are you talking about?” For
example, we used to live in an apartment complex a while
back called Lunnonhaus. For some reason my dad would
always call it Hagendaas. He would always talk about it as
Hagendaas, even in front of other tenants and workers at
Lunnonhaus. They would always give him the funniest
looks like, “Hagendaas, what are you talking about?” It
was then that he would realize that he had said something
wrong. Again, it is not at all that they are stupid. It is just
the way that they think and remember things.
Commitment/loyalty
One of the best things about people with Asperger
Syndrome is the fact that they are loyal and committed.
They have a much better sense of commitment and they
are also much better lifelong friends than other people. A
good example of this is when I got in a fistfight at a church
when I was about six years old. It was at AWANA’s (a Bible
club for kids) and there was this kid there who wouldn’t
leave me alone. I told him on numerous occasions to leave
me alone and that I would punch him if he didn’t. He did
not listen to me and so I punched him right there in front
of God and everybody. His nose started bleeding and so
on and so forth. The AWANA leaders gave me a real hard
time and lectured me on the verse about turning the other
cheek, and how what I had done was so terrible, and how
I needed to ask forgiveness from the kid and from God

also. I was scared because I was afraid that what they were
saying was true, and how terrible it was to get kicked out
of church. They called my parents and then they came and
they talked to the head AWANA dude. My dad had told
me earlier that if the kid kept bothering me, that I was to
give him good warning and then pop him in the nose. My
dad told this dude that, and he told him that I was right for
doing that and also that it was not my fault that I was just
obeying my parents and that if he had a problem with it
that he would have to talk to my dad about it and leave me
alone. I don’t remember the exact details, but the dude
backed down and left me alone and he did not end up
kicking me out like he was going to do. That is a good
example of Asperger loyalty. My dad was willing to stand
up to this guy. He knew that what I did was right, even
though he knew that it might make him look bad and that
some of his adult Christian friends would think that he
was a moron. He was willing to take the rap so that I
wouldn’t have to, and he did not back down.
You don’t really want to prevent this commitment and
loyalty, so my advice would be to enjoy it. The only time
that it is a bad thing is when they have decided to help you
with something that you do not want help with. This can
sometimes be annoying, but it also shows you that they
love you. A way to deal with this is to tell them straight up,
“Hey dad, I appreciate you wanting to help me build my
model airplane, but to tell you the truth I really want to do
it myself. If I need help, is it okay if I call you and ask you
to give me some advice?” That is much better than just
ignoring their efforts at helping you and just hoping that

they go away, because they won’t. They will just get more
and more frustrated, and that will make them want to help
you even more.
Routines
One interesting thing about people with Asperger
Syndrome is that everything has to be in the right place
and stay there unless they are notified that it was moved.
There must be a good reason for it to be moved. The only
exception to this rule is if they move it. This only applies
to their personal stuff. As far as the rest of the world, it
must be neat and orderly, but it does not have to be
immaculate and under keen surveillance. For example, our
house has to be swept and mopped on a weekly basis. The
trash and the vacuuming have to be done daily. My room
is kind of considered a “no-zone” where he psychs himself
up before he comes in. And his side of their bedroom is all
nice and picked up, and my mom’s is normal.
He also has his routines that he started, God knows
how long ago, that he still follows. He gets up at four in
the morning, plans the day, does his quiet time, takes his
shower and then gets to work at about six fifteen to six
thirty, when he has to be there at seven o’clock. To
“normal” people this may seem crazy, but it keeps him
sane. If he does not have these routines, or if one of them
gets messed up, it stresses him out beyond belief. If this
happens, then he has to fix it, or the rest of his day is
ruined.
For example, let’s say that it is a family workday and he

has decided that every picture in the house has to be hung.
About halfway through he runs out of nails, screws,
whatever. He has to get the pictures hung, so he has to get
more nails. He goes to the store to get the nails. They are
out. He goes to another store. They don’t carry that type.
He goes to the last store, and it is closed. He has to have
those pictures hung somehow by the end of the day, so he
decides to use four inch long roofing nails, because that is
the only thing that he can find. They really are not
noticeable from the front or the sides if they are pounded
in well enough. So, the job is not done, but enough work
has been done as to make it okay to fix it tomorrow when
better nails can be purchased. Another example is if he
forgot to set his alarm and he woke up an hour late. To us,
that would be no big deal. We would still have plenty of
time to get to work and we would do our quiet time later
when we got home. But for him, it ruins his whole day
because his routine has been broken. He is angry with
himself for forgetting to set the alarm and also angry that
he will have to disrupt even yet another routine so that he
can fix the one that he has broken.
My advice would be to make sure you never have any
part in breaking any of their routines in the slightest. Even
if it seems like a five-minute disruption would not matter,
it does. Avoid bothering them while they are in the middle
of their routines.
Well, I have shared some of the most important things
that I have learned from living with my Asperger dad for
seventeen years. I hope that after reading this chapter, you
will have gained some insights and some valuable coping

skills for living with a parent that has Asperger Syndrome.
In the next chapter, I am going to discuss some of the
issues that may arise as you grow through different stages
in your life. Don’t let these potholes become a roadblock
in your relationship with your parent. Instead, use them as
stepping-stones towards a stronger relationship and better
communication.
5
The Three Stages of Growth

with an Asperger Parent
When I was growing up, my dad having Asperger

Syndrome (AS) affected me. I went through three specific
time periods in which I learned to deal with him
differently. The first of these was junior high. (Before that,
I didn’t realize my dad’s differences were as dramatic as
they really are, so my comments would be totally useless.)
Anyway, until eighth grade I had no idea that my dad had
AS, so it was rather frustrating because I had nothing to
assign his abnormalities and extreme need for structure to.
I first started noticing this need for structure when I was in
the 6th grade. I noticed that when he came home, not only
was he tired physically, he was also “peopled out.” I also
noticed that he needed everything to be in order so that he
could relax and accomplish things. I was the complete
opposite way. I did not want things in my room in order
and I often got bored because of the lack of people around
to get sick of.
His need for structure was very difficult and puzzling
for me as a kid, because I did not understand why
everything had to be so rigid and structured. I also had
61
trouble understanding why he was so sick of people. On

the weekends, all he would want to do was stay home and
relax, while working with only our family. In a way it
helped me to become more social and a whole lot more
disorganized.
I saw routines and structure in my dad and I decided
that I would not impose strict rules like that on myself. I
really did not have to deal with these routines and patterns
of organization myself; I just observed them. This was nice
because I could just sit back and observe them at a
distance. My response to this was to become less and less
organized, and I began to follow less and less routines.
You may well have experienced this yourself in response to
your AS parent. I do not think that this is the best solution,
because obviously you need to have some organization
and routines in your life. However, it is nice to be able to
relax and enjoy life, and not be caught up in excessive
routines. You just have to learn what you can from your AS
parent, and decide for yourself.
When I began high school, I really started to be
affected by my dad’s differences. The thing that I was first
affected by was his need for punctuality. I would be
hanging out with my friends and I would come home five
minutes late. I did not think that it was a big deal, and my
friends and their parents did not think so either, but to my
dad it was an enormously big deal. I would end up getting
grounded for a couple of days just because of this.
A lot of the reason that it bothered my dad so much
was that it broke a routine when I would come home late.
As I have mentioned in the previous chapter, breaking a
The Three Stages of Growth with an Asperger Parent 63
routine for an Asperger person causes serious frustration

for them. This is very hard for the kid because he has to be
home exactly on time, so when his friend says, “Hey, I
gotta run by the store real fast and buy some Pepsi, iz that
kool?” Then you say, “I gotta be home at five which gives
us ten minutes. If we go, I will be late.” And then your
friend says, “You will only be like two minutes late, tops.
What’s the big deal, are you going to turn into a pumpkin
or something?”
At this point you have three choices (really two, but let
me explain). You can say, “Alright, dood. That’s kool. I am
sure that my dad/mom will not mind” (a complete lie),
and go home making sure that your neck muscles are nice
and loose so that when the blade separates your body from
your head, you will die painlessly. Or you could answer,
“Well you see, my mom/dad has something called
Asperger Syndrome. It is a Pervasive Developmental
Disorder, which is characterized mostly by an extreme
need for structure. This includes a very real need to keep
routines. To deviate from one of these routines is very
frustrating for them. If I were to come home late, I would
be causing the aberration of one of these routines, thus
causing extreme frustration aimed at me. So, if you do not
want to see my head stuck to the top of the telephone pole
in front of my house tomorrow morning, then I suggest
that we just skip the trip to the store.” This answer would
work, but among other things, by the time you got done
explaining this to your friend, you would already be late.
The best answer is answer is: “Well, my mom/dad is really
obsessed with time, and if I don’t get home exactly on
time I will get in big trouble. So, if you want to go to the

store that is fine, but I have to go home now.” This third
solution is much better than the first two, but your friend
will probably still not be that happy about it. If you hang
out with them a lot, then they will get to know you and
they will understand what is going on and they will plan
for you to leave earlier than them, thus easing frustration.
Another thing that was also different from my friends
and their households was how we celebrated holidays.
For most people a holiday means a day to relax and just
kind of do fun stuff and sit around. It means just doing
whatever you feel like at the moment, just kind of playing
things by ear. It is a time to get away from the normal,
hectic schedules and having to run here and there and do
this and that. Well for an Asperger person, a lack of
structure means disaster and mass confusion as well as
frustration. So for them, even a holiday must be
structured.
The difference is that the structure may contain times
for the family members to do nothing productive. Of
course, the Asperger person himself is incapable of doing
nothing so he will plan things to do. Aside from that, the
holiday is very strictly scheduled. Usually it will be
explained to you a couple of days ahead of time so that
you will know what to do when the time comes. An
example of a Christmas Day schedule might be like this: at
7am we will open presents, at 7.30 we will clean up the
wrapping paper, then at 8am we will eat breakfast. After
that we will take showers until 9am. At 9am we will go
outside and make snowmen until 10am. At 10am, we will
come inside and drink hot chocolate until 10.30. From

10.30 until 11am, we will eat candy. At 11am, we will
start getting ready to go to the Case’s to eat lunch. At
11.30, we will leave for the Case’s. At 12pm, we will get
there and eat until… Now they may not explain all of this
to you in detail, but it is in their head. If you ask them,
“Hey, Mom/Dad, is it kool if I go hang out with Joe from
10 to 11am?”, then you will find out that they really do
have everything planned out.
This scheduling of holidays is something that will
stick out to your friends also. They will have a hard time
understanding how it is possible to have your holiday
planned a week or two in advance. It will also bug them
that they will have to ask you far ahead of time in order to
hang out with you. The best thing to do when they ask
you what your problem is, is to tell them that your parent is
very strict as far as stuff like that goes and there is nothing
that you can do about it. If you do not give them a good
explanation as to what “your problem is,” then they will
think that you just do not want to be friends with them
and they will stop trying to be your friend. In short,
holidays can be very fun times and very frustrating ones.
The difference between the two is communication and
understanding between you and your AS parent.
One thing that also affected me was the way that my
dad handled having fun. To him, as with all things, fun
must be structured. To me, the definition of something fun
is unstructured. If I really want to have fun, I just kind of
fly by the seat of my pants and do what I feel like when the
time is right. If I structure fun more than just basic plans, it
just becomes another task that must be completed, rather

than something that I am looking forward to doing. Well,
it is just the opposite for my dad. If something is fun, it
must be structured or else it is frustrating and confusing.
So, as with many things that you have to adjust to
when you have an Asperger parent, you need to find a
middle ground, or way to adjust to this. When having fun
and doing things as a family, you will just have to accept
the fact that they are going to be planned out extensively.
Just relax and enjoy it! When you are with your friends
you can do it the way you want. You can also talk to your
parent and tell them, “I just want you to plan some time
where I do not have to accomplish anything at all. I just
want to be able to do nothing; to me that is fun. If I try to
accomplish things, it takes the fun out of it.” Chances are,
if you do not tell them this, they are not going to have any
idea that when you have fun, you do not try to accomplish
anything. You see, for them, accomplishing things is fun.
In order to have fun, they must be accomplishing
something, no matter how trivial.
Something that ties into this is when you want to
spend time with your AS parent. Again, you have to find
something that you both like to do. Find something to do
where they can accomplish something and you can just sit
around and not do anything. This may sound impossible,
but believe me, you will find something if you talk to them
about it.
Something that also really started to affect me was
how my dad fell into play with my friends and my rela-
tionships with my friends. Asperger people are very loyal
and committed to their family members. Well, part of the

way that my dad’s commitment to me showed, was in
dealing with my friends. He made a rule that he had to
meet my friends before I hung out with them a lot. This is
just an example of something that your parent could do
that might affect your social life with your friends. It was
often embarrassing to me to have to say, “Yeah, that’s kool,
I would like to hang out at your house tomorrow, but first
you have to come over and meet my dad cause he always
wants to meet my friends.” Every parent is different, but it
is highly likely that your parent will create a set of rules
involving your friends that will likely involve embarrass-
ment for you. The thing is, they might not realize how
embarrassing it really is for you because of their lack of
sensitivity to what other people think. Because of this,
they will most likely create rules that will ratchet your
“koolness” down way below the healthy level. Rules like
the one my dad had about meeting my friends made
things difficult for my friends and me, but sometimes, you
just have to roll with it. I eventually started talking to my
dad about things like this. We worked on adjusting them,
so that it would be easier to hang out with my friends and
not look stupid as I did before.
Now that I am in college, things have changed a lot,
but my quest for complete freedom has not yet been
achieved. I am seventeen, so I am not legally an adult, but
all of my friends are at least eighteen so that can be
interesting at times. However, dealing with my dad as far
as education is concerned has changed a lot. When I was
in high school, my dad was always asking me about
school. I had to give him report cards when they came out
and I got grounded for bad grades. Anyway, now that I am
older, education is in my hands and that has been a
journey all its own. Now, however, the main issue is
staying out late with my friends. My dad’s normal routine
is to go to bed at eight or nine and for me to get home
about eleven from work, and go to bed about then.
When I started asking to go out with my friends until
one thirty, you can imagine that I got some raised
eyebrows. Not only is it a change in routine, from an
“adult’s” perspective, that is late for a seventeen-year-old
to be out. At first he did not want me to be out past
midnight. Then when he realized that I was responsible
enough to stay out later, and he got used to the change in
routine, he started letting me stay out later. If you are in
the same predicament that I was/am in, then my best
advice to you is to get your parent used to the change
slowly. Change for an AS person takes lots of time and
energy. Let them get used to it for a while or you will not
get anything that you want.
Overall, living with an AS parent has been a challenge
as well as an excellent growing experience. It certainly has
its ups as well as its downs. I regret the fact that I had to
focus on the negative aspects of this parent–child
relationship, but the only things that I could foresee your
needing advice on were the things that created problems.
6
An Even Closer Look

at the Asperger Parent
In this chapter, we are going to look even closer at the

parent with Asperger Syndrome (AS) than we did in my
two earlier chapters. I will discuss some of the same issues
that I talked about there, and I am going to bring up some
more detailed issues as well.
Structure
An important part of learning how to effectively live and
work with an AS person is to understand them as beings
that sometimes act like cyborgs. They are human in
appearance and principle, but the way that they think is
oftentimes like a robot. Everybody has seen those cheesy
seventies and eighties TV shows where there is some evil
invincible robot that must be destroyed. The hero in the
story then devises a plan to make the robot short circuit by
feeding it information that it cannot compute. It then
slowly dies, chanting the uncomprehendable string of
information as it melts into the floor.
69
This scenario is extreme but in milder terms this sort of

thing does happen to people with AS. But instead of
melting they may get very frustrated, angry, or, depending
on the circumstance, they may suffer silently losing many
a night of sleep to the frustrations of not understanding
“humanoids” or of having their structure broken. This
may sound outrageous at first, but I assure you that as you
learn to understand an AS person having routines much
like a robot or a computer, it will make your life with your
AS parent much easier.
Routine is defined in The Random House College
Dictionary as: 1) a customary or regular course or
procedure; 2) regular or unvarying. A routine is necessary
for Asperger people in every aspect of life. In order to
brush their teeth they even have to have a certain routine
or procedure that they follow. For example, in the
morning the AS person gets up at a certain time, and grabs
his toothbrush, being sure not to put water on the
toothbrush until he has closed the cabinet doors. He then
puts paste on the brush and begins to brush his teeth
starting at the back lower teeth, then moving to the sides
of the back teeth then the inside of the back teeth, then to
the middle set of teeth to repeat the whole process all over
again until he has finally finished. He might not even
realize that a pattern exists here, but nevertheless, it does
exist. My point in explaining this is to emphasize the fact
that an AS person’s life is one big routine broken down
into smaller routines.
So you may say, “Great, how is that supposed to help
me with my AS parent and my relationship with him?”
An Even Closer Look at the Asperger Parent 71
The thing that you must realize is that everybody has

routines; that is not the important part here. The thing that
you must understand is the importance and the need for
routines that AS people have. They simply cannot live
without structure. What you must learn is to never break
any of their routines for almost any reason, unless it is an
emergency.
The disruption of a routine for the AS person can cause
extreme frustration. To us, if we get our routines broken,
we fix them and go on with our day. For them it is a much
bigger deal. The disruption of one routine creates a
domino effect, disrupting many routines until the AS
person can’t fix them. In order to fix one routine, s/he
must break another one.
For example, if I was an AS person my morning
routine would be to wake up at 5am, get out of bed from 5
to 5.10am, eat Frosted Flakes from 5.10 to 5.30am and
get dressed and be ready for work from 5.30 to 6am. Then
if my alarm went off at 5.10 instead of 5am, I would have
to spend ten minutes less eating Frosted Flakes, which
means that I would not have enough time to read the
paper while eating, and ten minutes less to plan my day
out.
This may seem like a very trivial thing to you or me.
However to an Asperger person, these changes in events
are earth shakers. I do not understand this fully, but even a
miniscule change in an AS person’s structure will cause
them great stress and frustration. The interesting thing
about this is that nobody will notice any signs of distress,
except for the immediate family of the person. The reason
for this is that the AS person sees his family as an

extension of himself; therefore everything that is expected
by the person himself is expected for the family. The
Asperger person has to work very hard to fight this urge
off, although s/he fully realizes that the family members
are independent and their own persons. This can often
cause conflict, because most people do not want to be
subjected to the strict expectations that the person with
Asperger Syndrome has put on him or herself.
Working with your AS Parent

In an earlier chapter, I talked about working with my AS
parent, my dad. I am now going to expand on this concept
and cover it a bit more in detail. Working with an Asperger
person is just like any other routine, it must not be broken,
and it must be completed regardless of the consequences.
This means that a certain amount of work must be accom-
plished in order to complete the routine, regardless of the
circumstances.
In some cases the AS person’s need for completion will
seem extreme or obsessive-compulsive to almost any
observer. It will also definitely seem extreme to the
non-AS person involved in the work. The Asperger person
must also have everything done exactly right. To me, for
example, “right” would mean that the window I am
cleaning must be clear with no spots or smudges on it, (at
least none that can be seen with the naked eye). For a
person with Asperger Syndrome, it must not have any
remote trace of dirt or dust particles that could be viewed
with an electron microscope. Believe me, if you think that
I am joking, try it out on your AS parent. Clean something

the best you can, then ask him/her to look at it to make
sure that it is clean. Then you will see what I am talking
about. With just a seemingly cursory glance, all of your
mistakes will be revealed. The best thing to do is to make
your work experience with your AS parent as pleasurable
as possible, because the odds are, you are not going to
want to work.
There are some things that you will want to remember
about Asperger people, one being that they love to teach.
My dad, for example, loves to teach everybody and
anybody. I personally think that an excellent profession
for an AS person would be teaching of some sort, but that
is just my opinion. Anyways, if you ask an AS person
about one of his possessions and how it works, plan to be
there for at least an hour. Say, for example you ask your
dad about his new riding mower and how it works. He
will then proceed to launch into a teaching session about
each little part and how it works and how exactly you
should use it when cutting grass at a certain height at a
specific time of day and so on. By the end, you will have
received a sales pitch that will rival the riding mower
company’s top salesman. Now you may be saying, “Well,
that’s what all guys do.” I can tell you for sure that it goes
beyond the person’s excitement over the purchasing of a
new possession. When it happens to you, you will know
what I am talking about. Now you may think, “Well that’s
good, I love to learn.”
It is always good to learn new things. However,
sometimes you really do not have the time for an
hour-long teaching session with your parent. You would

much rather be doing something productive with your
friends. There are ways to express your need to move on
without being rude and disrespectful. The key thing to
understand here is that Asperger people might not notice
signs that you would like to leave like most people will.
They are very good at paying attention to detail, but when
they are in the middle of teaching you about something,
all of their attention is focused on teaching, not on paying
attention to you.
There are some things to remember when trying to get
out of these situations. The first one is to not ask any
questions. To an AS person, asking questions means that
you are very much interested and that you would like to
know more, prompting them to spew out even more
information. A second thing to do is to wait until they stop
momentarily and then sum up what they have been
saying. For example you could say, “Well that is interesting
that you can cut hedges as well as six foot tall grass. I will
have to check that out the next time I mow the yard,
(pause) but I really have to go now because Fred and Jill
are waiting for me to go roller blading. We have to go now
if we want to get back by the time it is dark.” This shows
that you have learned something (by summing up what he
told you), thus helping him to feel like he has taught you
something and accomplished something and that he was
not just wasting his time. It also allows you politely to tell
him that you are done and that you need to leave. Saying
other things like, “Ok, that’s nice. Wow!” and stuff like
that will get you nowhere. If he thinks that you are just
going to sit around, then forget ever leaving because

Asperger people hate it when their kids are just sitting
around doing nothing.
With AS people, you have to say exactly what you
mean. When you say, “Yes, uh huh” etc., they will think
that you want them to go on and keep talking. When
dealing with your parent in a situation like this, sometimes
it is impossible to get out of the situation, and you will just
have to deal with it. Some suggestions would be to
mention homework, the need for food or water, or
something else that they will understand the importance
of. But, remember if they let you go do one of these
things, then you had better do it because you can be very
sure that they will remember if you try to trick them or say
one thing and do another. If you mess up one time, your
chances for the next time will diminish greatly.
Something that I have noticed about AS people is their
need to always be doing something. It must also always be
in order and executed as planned. At the beginning of the
day, my dad will always have everything planned out to
the smallest detail of all that he is going to accomplish. If
he comes upon unexpected free time, he will immediately
plan what he can get done during that period. It is
impossible for him to not do anything.
Details
AS people can pick out, remember, and fix detailed things
(that would be considered difficult for us), with great ease.
This can be a very positive side of the syndrome. However,
if the person with AS happens to be your parent, then this
attention to detail can be a very “unkool” thing, and it can

turn into a downside very quickly. An example of the
upside of this detail obsession is an old lock that I have. I
have an old combination lock that I hadn’t used for five
years. One day I decided to use it for something, so I
pulled it out hoping that the combination would be
written on it somewhere because I had long since
forgotten it. When I pulled it out, there was no
combination on it anywhere, so I decided to ask my dad if
he remembered where we put the combination. I told him
what was up, and it took him about thirty seconds to
remember the combination.
An example of a downside that it might present is,
when you do not do something that you are supposed to
take care of. For example, if your parent tells you to make
sure that you cut the grass, and put the grass clippings in a
red bag (after you have carefully combed out all the dirt
and debris with a rake), label the bag “grass,” and give it to
the neighbor, Bob. S/he also tells you to make sure that
you give your pet elephant, Fido, some peanuts before you
leave. Well, you decide to do all of the above, except you
give Fido some cashews that you were supposed to eat,
instead of the peanuts. You may think that your parent will
never notice. But s/he will see that Fido snorts twice as
long when he gets home, but when you give him peanuts;
he only snorts half as long. You will be sure to hear about it
when you get home!
For some reason Asperger people can pick out the
smallest details in anything. Their eyes are like binoculars.
Everything that they see gets magnified so that they can
pick apart even the most complex entity. For them to relax,
every detail must be right and in order. To them,
relaxation is having everything (down to the exact detail)
go as planned in their routines. Details form the base of an
Asperger person’s life. Without details, there would be
nothing to base their numerous routines upon. To the AS
person, details keep life manageable as well as understand-
able. This is why they are so organized, and they have
exceptional skills in detail work. When you are working
with them, even around the house, you will see that they
are seemingly obsessed with making sure that every detail
is correct.
What others think

Another interesting thing about people with AS is that
they, for the most part, do not care about what other
people think about them. For some reason or another,
Asperger people figure that as long as they are OK to
themselves, then it really doesn’t matter what other people
think of them. This can lead to many odd situations. For
example, recently I learned of my dad’s wish for a
motorcycle tool kit for his Father’s Day present. Now,
normally people give you a few ideas of what they want
for a present and then let you get whatever you think that
they would like most. With my dad this is not so. He wants
to know exactly what he is getting so that he can make
sure that it has what he needs. He picks it out, and then I
buy it for him.
One day, he was looking at this kit in a catalog and it
did not say what size Allen Wrenches® or hex keys that it
had in it; all it said was “assorted sizes.” So after about

twenty minutes of talking, with two different people on
the phone at the selling company, I finally got him all the
information that he wanted (or so I thought). Most people
would not call to get every detail about the sizes. They
would just ask if the kit had a certain size of this or that
and then be done, but with Asperger people the need for
detail is absolutely necessary. After I hung up, however,
my dad then wanted to know the name brands of the
tools. Specifically, he wanted to know if the adjustable
wrench was made by Crescent® and if Vise-Grip made the
clamp pliers. When I called back to ask these questions,
the man I was talking to told me that I was free to ask all
the questions I wanted. He said that a customer had just
called and asked a bunch of questions and the kit was still
spread all over his desk. The funny part about this was that
I was the previous customer who had just called! The
whole point in sharing this story with you is to illustrate
the fact that my dad did not care what the people on the
other end of the phone thought of us. I, on the other hand,
was worried about what they thought of us and I was
hoping that they didn’t call the cops on us for harassment
or something.
This insensitivity to what others think also manifests
itself in other ways. For example, when your parent is
talking to you in front of your friends, he may say, “Jared
that shirt looks like a girl’s shirt. Why don’t you go and
put something else on?” Now, that is a horrible thing to
say to someone in front of his or her friends, but your
parent might not realize that. They just assume that since
it would not matter to them, then it must not bother you

and certainly must not affect what your friends think
about you. In order to avoid further embarrassment you
have to tell them that this bothers you ahead of time,
instead of afterwards after the damage has already been
done. Tell them to explain stuff like that to you in private
when your friends are not around. Tell them that your
friends made fun of you for two months after that incident
with the shirt. They will not figure this out for themselves;
you will have to tell them this.
One thing that ties into this is the fact that our AS
parent embarrasses us in front of our friends because of the
way that they look, act, and dress. Our friends may think
that they are strange or odd. Again, you have to ask your
parent to not do certain things in front of your friends.
Sometimes they are just going to do it anyways and it may
not have anything to do with the fact that they have
Asperger Syndrome. They may just be old and not
understand the extreme “koolness” that we youngsters
possess. J
Another way that they might embarrass you is their
obsession with details. They may tell you that you really
need to fix your pants because they are dragging on the
floor; all while your friends are listening. They may also
insist that you be home at exactly six o’clock to eat dinner
and then you can leave again, only to come back home an
hour later to do homework and go to bed.
This might bother you because your friend Bob’s dad
just says to be home at seven, so that you can eat and do
homework afterwards or at the same time, as long as you
get it done. You can talk to your parent about this but s/he
will most likely not back down, because it is in his/her
routine to eat supper at six so therefore you must eat
supper at six. Now if you ask him to change his routine so
that he knows that every night you will eat supper and do
homework at seven, then he might agree to that. Ask him
to also tell you stuff like when you have to be home in
private, that way it is less embarrassing to you and you do
not look like a little kid in front of your friends. If you
explain this stuff to him, he will most likely be willing to
do this for you, but if you do not do this then s/he will
have no idea how quickly it yanks down your “koolness”
factor.
Communication
This brings up another interesting point about AS: commu-
nication is very important. Communication is perhaps the
most vital part of living with an Asperger person in
harmony. You see, a lot of times people with AS do not
pick up on things that the rest of us would think are
obvious. For instance, I might think that my dad knows
that I am hungry because I have worked six hours with no
food. But unless I tell him that I am going to fall down and
die unless I eat within the next thirty seconds, the thought
that I am hungry will not even cross his mind. People with
AS do not feel things like we do. For this reason, it is
absolutely essential to communicate with your Asperger
parent and tell him things like this. A good thing that I
have learned is to ask him what the best way to talk to him
is. If you want something from your parent, like most if
not all of us do, then there are several steps to follow to

help ensure your success:
• Make sure everything is in order. This means that
you need to have all of your chores done,
homework finished and all other assigned jobs
done. This is the most important one. If things are
out of order for an AS person, then they must be
put in order at all costs, meaning that you will have
to finish those things immediately.
• Say exactly what you mean. This means that if you
want to go chill with your friends at the movie
theatre at 5pm Eastern Standard Time, then you
had better say exactly that when asking for
permission to go. If you hint at what you would
like to do or give unspecified times, your request
will be turned down.
• Make your point quickly. Asperger people hate it
when you talk a lot, exaggerate, or in any way take
too long to tell them what you need. If you tell
them that you just want to talk to them about
nothing in particular then they will be fine. But if
you don’t, they will get frustrated waiting for you
to make your point.
One thing that I have learned to do is to provide my dad
with the four Ws: who, what, where, and when. I tell him
this right off the bat before I add anything else:
• Who I am going to be with. This means people
that my dad already knows and has met.
• What I am going to be doing. This includes a

mini-itinerary of exactly what I am going to be
doing at specific times.
• Where I am going to be. This is so that if he needs
to get a hold of me, then he will have no problem
doing so.
• When I am going. This also includes when I am
going to get back from what I am doing.
If you tell them all these things before you meet up with
your friends, then you will save yourself the embarrass-
ment of being asked this stuff in front of them.
Something that will also be helpful to you is to
understand that AS people need to have check in times
with their kids. These are a way to keep everything in
order for the Asperger person. They need to have times to
just sit down and have you tell them how everything is
going and what you have accomplished like you were
supposed to, as well as what you did not get done and why
and how you are going to get it done. They will also
probably ask you how things are going in your life and
stuff like that. The trick is to get these out of the way at
your convenience, instead of theirs. If you wait for them to
ask you to check in, it will most likely be at a very
inopportune time for you. I had one at 5.30am the other
day because I did not volunteer myself for one earlier. If
you like getting up at five in the morning then that is great,
but I like to sleep.
These are the most basic skills that you will need in
order to effectively ask what you want from your AS
parent. Remember, always wait a day or two to ask for

something, right after you have gotten yourself into
trouble.
Frustration
One of the most important and difficult subjects to cover
is how to deal with your parent when s/he is angry with
you. Inevitably, even if you are the best kid in the world,
you will get into conflict with them sometime, so I am
going to give you some guidelines to follow in conflict.
One important thing to remember is that when an
Asperger person gets angry, it can go from being very
small (frustration) to being very big (anger) in a short
amount of time. You often have very little warning, and it
can be very surprising or bewildering to the unsuspecting
person. The key to calming the situation down is to
remain calm yourself. If you get upset, it will only get
worse and your parent’s frustration will rise, causing the
situation to escalate.
A critical skill to learn is to teach yourself to recognize
the telltale signs that indicate that that you are putting
wood on the fire. I have become angry with my dad
because all of a sudden he would freak out and become all
upset over the littlest thing imaginable. I eventually
explained this to him and he said, “Well, it is an
accumulation of things and that one little thing is the
straw that breaks the camel’s back. If you look carefully
you will notice that there are signs that an explosion is
coming.” For example, on Sunday I could not take out the
trash, on Tuesday I could not brush the dog, and on
Wednesday I could not close the shed doors all the way.
By the time Friday rolls around and I forgot to check the
mail, my dad will be very frustrated with me and almost
any little thing I do wrong will set him off.
Now this may not be obvious because your parent will
appear to not be bothered at all and they may not even say
anything to you until it all builds up. Then you can be sure
that you will hear about it! When you get home from
school Friday night you will notice the difference in your
parent by the way he talks or doesn’t talk to you, and how
he is acting towards you. Now when s/he sits you down
to talk about your transgressions, be sure to not have an
attitude, because s/he will notice that and it will just add
more wood to the already sky high fire. The first thing to
do if you want to get it over with quickly is to take respon-
sibility for what he is saying that you did and apologize
appropriately. If you do not do that, then cancel your plans
for the night because he will not let you go until you have
logically gone through each step that you took to commit
the crime and you have acknowledged your guiltiness.
Now the chances are high that you are not going to agree
with what your parent is saying, so tell him that, but make
sure you explain why and do so respectfully.
Do not make a bunch of excuses because that will
make him/her angrier and your sentence harder.
Remember that AS people function on logic, and they
especially revert to it when they experience an emotional
disturbance! So remember to make your defense as logical
as possible, and it will go much smoother for you. The
clearer that your parent understands what you are trying
to get across to them, the better for you it is, because it

means that they will be less frustrated.
These are some practical ideas to remember when
dealing with an angry AS parent. These guidelines are not
a “get out of jail free” card; rather they are a guidebook to
follow in order to make your stay easier. The point I am
trying to make is, if you are in trouble, you are not going to
get out of it, so just remain calm. Your parent will not get
more frustrated, thus keeping you from digging yourself a
bigger hole than you are already in.
Asperger people’s friends

The way that an Asperger person’s friends view him/her
can be very interesting as well. It usually takes a long time,
about a year or so, until a person is accepted into the
person’s strict circle of friends. An AS person’s friends are
usually far and few between, but they are true friends. The
way that you, the AS person’s kid, fall into this is that at
times you may need to interpret your parent to their
friends. Many times it is likely that your parent’s friends
will be perplexed by your parent’s sometimes strange
behavior. For example, there might be a very important
social function that your parent might really want to
attend. However, your parent might be “peopled out.” The
definition of “peopled out,” according to Jared’s
“Dictionary of Asperger Terms” is: a condition character-
ized by extreme physiological delusions. These delusions
appear in the form of visions. The most common of these
visions is a view of the patient’s skull exploding. This
condition also produces extreme fed-up-ness with the
species homosapiens. This fed-up-ness is also commonly

accompanied by visions of solitary islands or dark caves
where the patient may escape discovery by the species
homo sapiens. These delusions are brought about by the
expenditure of large quantities of time spent in the
company of the species homo sapiens.
Because of these symptoms, your parent might be
forced to cancel going to this important event. Your place
in this might be to explain why this great tragedy has
occurred. It might be rather difficult to explain, so if you
do not have much time just simply explain that your
parent is not feeling well so s/he cannot come, even
though they were really looking forward to it. If it is
somebody that you know really well and who is
competent in the knowledge of the term “peopled out”
then you must tell him/her that this is what happened in
this case. The reason that you might need to do this is
because your parent may not tell them him/herself. Try
working with your non-AS parent to explain these things
to your parent’s friends.
To illustrate my point I will end this chapter with a
story from my own experience. One time when we were
living in the Dominican Republic, our Dominican friend
invited us as a family over to his house for a nice dinner.
He was really a friend of my dad’s, but he wanted us to
come over as a family to eat with his family. We planned
this dinner for a couple of weeks in advance, and when the
time came to go my dad was all peopled out. So my mom
and I went. When we got there he and his wife were all
dressed up, and he had made some nice rabbit stew, from
some of his rabbits that he had raised himself. He noticed

that my dad was not with us and he asked where he was.
My mom and I informed him that he would not be able to
make it because he was not feeling well. This hurt our
friend’s feelings greatly, but not as much as it would have
if we did not interpret my dad to him. The moral of the
story is that whenever possible, you must interpret your
parent to his/her friends. That way they can understand
that your parent is not being rude, just suffering from
unavoidable circumstances.
These are just some of the many things that you will
come into contact with when dealing with your Asperger
parent. Learning how to communicate with your parent
will help you solve almost any problem that will arise. I
hope that this advice will come in handy for you when you
are dealing with your Asperger parent. Just remember, the
key is to communicate.
I hope that these three chapters, as well as the entire
book, will help you in dealing with your parent that has
Asperger Syndrome. The journey to understanding your
parent can be difficult at times, but if you wish to have a
relationship with your parent, it is a task that must be
undertaken.
7
Raising a Child While

Enjoying Each Other
Wow! You just got an earful from our son in the last three
chapters! It’s hard not to notice his candor and flare for
words. In this chapter, we’re going to talk about how
Estelle and I work together in raising this young man. My
Asperger Syndrome adds another dimension to what is
already seen by some as a daunting task.
It is quite amazing how two people can view the same
incident in radically different ways. To keep sanity in our
home, Estelle and I have created a few tools, giving us all a
good foundation to build on. Now, we will discuss how
Estelle and I give Jared a vision for life and show him how
to get there. We will explain our process of interpretation
of each other to Jared. We will show how we live out
well-defined roles as Mom and Dad. The benefit of inter-
personal communication will also be considered as it
concerns areas of friction and certainly the major issues
regarding Jared.
Estelle gives Jared the vision and I show him how to
get there. This is accomplished by taking opportunities to
exclaim his great potential. His mother tells him to run for
89
president and she specifies his talents and abilities. Estelle

gently reminds him to pursue the career he wants, but
makes sure he knows how great he is. I, however, go
through the mechanics of the ‘hows’ with him.
It’s my job to show Jared how to get to college by
sending away for catalogs and visiting the campuses with
him. I stand with him while he gets his bank account,
driver’s license, or faces the principal. I do not do the hard
things for him, but I go through the process with him. I
frequently give my son the guidance he needs to protect
him through the process. If he needs to fail, I allow him to
do so, while showing him my support.
When Estelle and I interpret each other to Jared, we are
often diffusing anger, frustration, or misunderstanding. As
our son is told things he does not like, or one of us notices
his frustration, we approach him gently. When Jared has
had conflict with one of us, the other will give him time to
calm down. Then we will approach him on his turf, in a
place comfortable to him. Estelle or I listen to the
frustration and other emotions Jared needs to express, but
we do not allow him to talk poorly about the other spouse.
If he disrespects one of us, we simply remind him that we
are there to love and support him, but not to take sides
with him. Our purpose is simply to let Jared express his
emotions and views and gently try to help him understand
the other parent’s viewpoint. The intent is simply to
interpret each other to Jared, not try to force him to accept
what we have to say. If Dad is involved, this is a time to
explain how Asperger people and others communicate
very differently. Estelle and I have discovered this act of
Raising a Child while Enjoying Each Other 91
interpretation has done a lot for Jared, and also our

marriage. It is important for Jared to know his parents
support each other. But, it is equally wonderful to have
your spouse support you, knowing they will not agree
with negative talk about you.
Living out well-defined roles has helped Jared to
know what to expect from Estelle and me. I take opportu-
nities to model and teach Jared what a man is. As different
situations arise, I ask him one of my standard questions,
“What would a man do?” When he was younger, I told him
what a man would do. Now I let him make that decision
and tell me what a man would do. It really helps Jared
learn decision-making skills and evaluate his own value
system. Jared is my student in all areas of life. I often
approach tasks, situations, and decisions with Jared as a
teaching opportunity.
Estelle plays a key role in keeping the stress level down
in our home. We have come to realize that the lady of the
house sets the emotional climate. When Estelle is happy,
nothing seems that bad. When she is upset, minor issues
appear bigger than what they really are. Estelle uses this
emotional advantage to help Jared recover from conflict
with Dad. When a disagreement leaves Jared pretty upset
or angry, Estelle will stay removed from the situation. She
simply acts as cheery and positive as possible. This takes a
hard situation with a heavy atmosphere in the home and
turns it into a lighter, or happier climate again. Keeping
the emotional tone more level allows me to be more
rational. Stress is a major distraction in interpersonal rela-
tionships and often decision-making.
Communication is clearly a critical skill for parenting

in our Asperger family. Estelle often sees things softer,
whereby I see things clearer. Estelle senses the emotions
and heart attitude involved in interpersonal situations. She
also somehow feels it to some degree. This affects the
clearness of her viewpoint, but also allows her to interpret
and be a “cookie giver” later. On the other hand, I “read”
all the criteria available. I look at facts and face the truth of
the matter in a detached sort of way. This gives me a
“clear” picture.
By combining these two viewpoints, Estelle and I
better decide what and how to deal with Jared. Simply
recognizing and verbalizing the way we come to our
viewpoints helps us communicate better with each other.
If we anticipate disciplining Jared for a greater offense, we
collect all the facts we can, including from Jared. We talk
privately, get in agreement, and then we get Jared
involved. Estelle and I try to allow Jared to walk us
through his offense as well as his thoughts at the time. We
also allow him to see the effect it has on us. Oftentimes
this brings the situation to a relational level.
Because I sometimes get on a roll of listing details and
facts concerning the “crime” committed, Estelle often
helps break my pattern. She will inform me that I am
going on too much or being too mechanical and detailed.
She will then explain or interpret how she thinks Jared is
feeling and what he is thinking. This is helpful as
oftentimes, I am clueless as to what he is thinking. I think I
know, so I believe a lecture is the answer. Then I find out I
am way out in left field. By letting Estelle communicate
Raising a Child while Enjoying Each Other 93
her thoughts on the matter, I am preventing myself from

being unfair and creating deep anger in Jared.
Using family rules and guidelines helps to keep order
in our home. Giving Jared a vision, using interpretation
skills, living out well-defined roles as parents, and
adequate communication are key tools that Estelle and I
practice while raising our son. This foundation provides
for a healthy family and an enjoyable marriage.
8
Professional and Personal

Relationships as Seen by
Friends and Co-workers
Writing this chapter was really insightful! We gained some

valuable information from some of our long-time friends
and some of Patrick’s co-workers, who allowed me to
spend time interviewing them. Now, knowing the cause
for Patrick’s unique eccentricities, we are becoming more
comfortable with sharing the world of Asperger
Syndrome (AS) with others. However, none of the
individuals whose personal insight is included in this
chapter had any prior knowledge of AS while going into a
relationship with Patrick. Each chose to make a conscious
decision, at one time or another, to understand his inner
workings. What makes him tick? How does he function?
What will my relationship be with him?
Because an outsider’s view allows for a fuller picture of
the world touched by Asperger Syndrome, we are grateful
for our friends agreeing to help us broaden the scope of
this book. Paul’s view (though also a friend) comes from
his position as an agricultural supervisor, responsible to
95
Patrick at the rescue mission where he is currently

employed. Traci speaks as Paul’s wife and an observer of
the rescue mission work. Lenina’s insight is from time
spent working with Patrick for the Department of Justice.
Bill, Jean, Ramon and Jillian, (family friends and one-time
neighbors), Bryan and Kristin (friends who also worked
for Patrick) also gave valuable contributions to the
creation of this chapter. The hope of each of these
individuals, as well as ourselves, is for others to benefit by
the experience and details shared.
Before going any further, it is important to understand
some facts about how a person with AS learns to relate
with others. The social skill of relating is a learned process
of reading, analyzing and observing. Since one of
Patrick’s special interests is the study of people, I have
bestowed upon him an honorary doctorate degree in the
study of humanity. Every person he comes in contact with
is immediately placed under a microscope for the express
purpose of understanding the human race. Every detail of
every person comes under an intense scrutiny.
Kristin thinks this special interest of Patrick’s is
fascinating. She enjoys Patrick’s hobby of people
watching and has great fun watching him watch others!
Whenever our two families spend time together, Kristin is
quick to get Patrick’s analysis of those around us. While
eating a meal together during our last visit, Kristin sat
back with a big smile on her face and began to ask Patrick
questions to put his people watching/analysis skills to
work! Bryan also sees Patrick’s valuable insight, “due to
…Relationships as Seen by Friends and Co-workers 97
his unique ability to analyze deeply, drawing accurate

information on the character of others.”
Paul and Traci both feel that this type of learning can
perpetuate over-analysis. Patrick reads body language,
trying to understand what a person is thinking. Since
body language is different from one person to the next,
Paul feels that people can be misinterpreted at times.
However, most of the time Patrick’s analysis is correct.
Another result of over-analysis Paul shared is that at
times Patrick believes there is a relational issue between
Paul and himself. The reality is that there’s an issue, but it
is not a relational one. Paul shared an example of when
this sometimes happens. When Paul has structure, work
goes well and much is accomplished. At that point, he
begins to invest more time interacting with the rescue
mission residents on a personal level. But then he falls
behind in his work and has difficulty catching up. When
this happens, Patrick sometimes thinks there is a relational
issue between Paul and himself. In reality, more often than
not, Paul is actually struggling with his priorities being
out of balance.
People with AS have a unique way of relating to
others, one of which occurs in communication. Our
friends find that conversations with Patrick appear devoid
of emotion. During these interactions, they feel that what
is being communicated is without meaning. A friend may
not feel the words communicated, even when Patrick is
speaking words of love and affirmation. Words seem to be
spoken at them, not to them. Traci finds Patrick to be quite
knowledgeable on the proper way of relating to others,
making great effort to follow the social norms of commu-

nication. But since he is not emotionally attached to a
conversation, Patrick’s communication tends to be blunt
or harsh due to his brutal honesty and straightforward-
ness. Jillian gave an example of Patrick’s seeming
harshness when giving her some marital advice. He just
said what needed to be said. Without a hint of feeling in
his voice, he said something like, “Well, Jillian, you should
not say thus and so to your husband.” Jillian felt this quite
brutal. But because she had great respect for him, she
accepted his words as from his heart. She relayed that
though Patrick may have cushioned the interaction with
words of love and emotion, the cushion was not felt.
Jillian’s view on the topic of bluntness in a con-
versation is that each culture has its own way of communi-
cating, with Americans tending to cushion what we want
to say. In a conversation in which truth needs to be
spoken, generally, we use a sandwich affect saying the
necessary words between words of affirmation, a
compliment or encouragement. Jillian says that Patrick
has made an intellectual identification of tactful ways of
relating to people. She knows he has purposed in his heart
to communicate in a way others can accept. However,
even though his words follow the pattern of what is
normal, since the feelings aren’t communicated as well,
they are not heard. Though he tries hard, he cannot
change the flat communication, which has a negative
effect on many relationships.
Jillian feels that non-Asperger communication is based
on feelings. When faced with a situation in which
someone might be offended by what we say, the situation

is entered into with apprehension. The feelings of others
are dealt with in response to the emotion in the situation.
Jillian sees that AS people respond on a different level in
the same situation than do others.
Lenina’s insight into Patrick’s brutal honesty is that
Patrick didn’t develop the other “self ” who can say the
words people want to hear. Lenina shares that she has a
new understanding of this straightforwardness since her
not too distant motor vehicle accident. She feels she no
longer has the tolerance to say what people want to hear
or to kowtow to their social expectations. Lenina believes
that part of her initial frustration with Patrick was her
being used to others’ lack of truthfulness and straightfor-
wardness. People would not say what needed to be said
due to their fear of appearing impolite.
In dealing with Lenina, Patrick would simply state the
truth of a matter. He would state the obvious, what
everyone knew to be true, but feared having it brought
out into the open. Lenina shared a humorous example of
how Patrick would handle her having a purple face as
compared to a normal complexion. Patrick would say,
“Lenina, you have a purple face. How interesting!” And for
so many years the whole world would have known about
her purple face but never said anything to her about it.
Lenina said she has learned to appreciate this honest
communication knowing that a good friend is genuine
and truthful.
Many possible friendships with Asperger people never
occur because of misunderstandings in the initial flat
conversation. During the first handshake, it seems that

people tend to investigate the possibility of a relationship
with each other. Patrick, appearing to be devoid of
emotions, is a deterrent in that situation. He often is not
afforded a second chance with new acquaintances. His
affect is flat emotionally, so people frequently are
apprehensive, tending to avoid the different individual
after the initial meeting.
Lack of connecting emotionally seems to be another
difficulty in communication. It seems especially true with
women, that if Patrick does not connect with them
emotionally the first time, they will avoid him. They do
not understand, so they avoid what they do not
understand. This can be very painful, as Patrick only
desires what’s best for them.
When first getting to know Bill and Jean, I invited
their whole family over for a meal. Jean remembers being
uneasy with Patrick because he seemed so solemn and
stern. She kept hoping that the kids wouldn’t do anything
to upset him. Jean shared the contrast between Patrick and
myself. As I am very approachable, with a bubbly and
inviting personality, Jean says that she can relate to me
easily. However, Jean finds difficulty in knowing what
Patrick is thinking. After getting to know him, Jean has
come to realize “he’s just that way.” But, until then, she
always felt as if he was mad and was intimidated by him.
Jean also found one-on-one conversation with Patrick
to be challenging and insightful. He never asked
questions that would create embarrassment, but rather
conducted conversations like an interview. Jean concluded
that since Patrick enjoys deep issues rather than just chit
chatting, one would be wise to think before answering his
questions!
Another difficulty in relating with others comes in the
form of confusion and frustration. When Lenina first
began working with Patrick, she didn’t like him and her
impression of him was negative. He was confusing and she
often was frustrated with her inability to understand him.
He spoke in a realm which was difficult to comprehend.
She then found that he was extremely intelligent,
therefore having a hard time coming down to our level to
communicate in a way we can understand. Because of this,
Lenina believes that AS people are easily misunderstood.
Eventually, she found Patrick to be reliable, having
knowledge, integrity and someone she could trust.
Lenina’s confusion from her initial conversations was on a
personal level, but she didn’t allow that to hinder her
desire to work with him.
Paul brought up another important factor in relating;
the thinking of Asperger people is different than others.
Their thinking is objective, not emotional. Paul says that
this is important to understand when sharing something
emotional with a person who thinks objectively. The
discussion must be objective rather than emotional. So
Paul explains that if there is an offense needing to be
aired, one should think through it before talking about it.
How can this be communicated in a way that will be
understood? Simply dumping emotion onto the objective
Asperger individual will not attain the desired outcome.
Patrick interprets the importance of what Paul is

saying in the following way. “The person with Asperger
Syndrome has only good intent. However, their delivery
in conversation is often unusual and unnerving, which can
be misunderstood. Or, they do something that creates
irritation. At this point, they desire for people to simply
talk to them about the problem, but not to raise their voice
in anger and frustration. The AS individual is affected to a
greater degree by the raised voice and intensity of others
than a ‘normal’ person; it is greatly magnified, so they feel
it more. Talking objectively to the person with Asperger
Syndrome will get a serious response. The AS individual
wants to explain, but simply desires for others to be gentle
and kind in dealing with them.”
Although members of the Asperger world think
objectively, they still do have emotions. Jillian believes
that though Patrick does not feel that much of what he
does is different, he does comprehend the difference.
Being able to see the great effort Patrick makes in relating
with others helped her in committing to him as a friend.
Jillian believes that he has great remorse at times because
he cannot function as others need him to. She sees Patrick
as knowing he is not capable of being “normal,” but
accepting this as something he cannot change.
Because I am able to read Patrick’s emotions better
than others, I am well aware that great agony is often felt
by his over-analysis of situations beyond his control.
When a “normal” individual messes up, he may feel badly
but move on. Patrick, however, will go to an extreme in
feeling badly about his mistake, especially when it affects
others. He will find great difficulty letting go of these

negative emotions.
Because, in relating to others, AS people do not show
their emotions in the same manner as others do, some
think they don’t have emotions. This false thinking results
in the Asperger individual being treated as one who
cannot be hurt emotionally. In reality, people with AS
seem to be more sensitive to emotions and the spoken
word of others. Because Patrick speaks exactly what he
means, the careless words of another are accepted as from
the heart. One may never see the unintended harm that
they cause, but loved ones will quickly take note of the
retreat to the safety zone.
An example of an event, which has left Patrick reeling
with emotional pain, happened a while ago. He was filling
in as executive director for a regional rescue mission.
Patrick was in a conversation with a husband and wife,
who were new to rescue mission work, along with another
volunteer. The husband asked Patrick about one of the
residents who was threatening to leave the mission.
Patrick responded with common rescue mission
philosophy, which was not well received by the wife. As
Patrick could tell she did not like his words (due to the
angry look on her face), he attempted to help her with
emotion and logic. “I hope this doesn’t upset you,” Patrick
communicated with genuine care and concern. “In rescue
mission work, you will understand that sometimes people
just aren’t ready for long-term help.” But, instead of
hearing his words, she emoted her feelings with, “That’s
okay. You’ll be gone in two weeks and someone else will

be here who thinks differently!”
Patrick again tried to explain that the opinion he
voiced was not his own; he had learned this philosophy
from his co-workers and experience in rescue mission
work, but she abruptly turned away leaving the other
three in an awkward position. The woman’s husband and
other volunteer, seeing what just took place, felt terrible
and tried to compensate for her behavior. However, even
with their condolences this incident continues to hurt
Patrick to this day. Her emotional outburst and rejection
of him on a personal level (due to his voicing a rescue
mission truth) is still felt by him.
Body language is another way in which people with
AS seem to feel the intensity of our emotions. Body
language shows a great deal of emotion when one is
anxious or excited. Patrick once described my behavior as
“shaking back and forth, staring straight ahead, holding
your body all rigid, and waving your arms.” This behavior
is very bothersome because the AS person feels as if the
other person is losing control of himself. Patrick says,
“This behavior is completely unnecessary, reaching the
point of unpredictability and confusion.” He sees this as
“unsettling, creating anxiety and irritability, especially
because it is unnecessary.” Patrick says, “The showing of
irritation, aggravation and aggression through body
language leads to emotions controlling the situation,
rather than common sense and logic controlling the
situation. This then leads to unpredictability, which leads
to the probability of a change in mood and structure of the
home, workplace, and relationships.” Patrick feels that

this behavior is unnecessary; to simply talk and sort out
the situation is a better way of handling it.
Emotions of concern, understanding, and protective-
ness were seen in Patrick when Lenina worked in a prison
for the Department of Justice. Lenina was involved in an
emergency situation when Patrick responded to her call
for help. Even though Lenina freezes (instead of screams)
when becoming scared, Patrick could tell that she was
shaken. Lenina shares that Patrick’s calmness and ability
lent an element of normalcy and stability to an intense
situation. This incident convinced her that out of all the
people working in the prison, Patrick was the one she
wanted to work with.
Receiving verbal feedback is another indication of the
emotions alive in the Asperger individual. Paul sees
Patrick’s desire to be in right relationship with his
co-workers as a noticeable quality. Although this is
common with many people, it is the way Patrick seeks
feedback, when unsure of where he stands with others,
that Paul had to get used to. Paul says that it is not every
day that a man will approach another man and ask, “Have
I done something to offend you?” Patrick does what he
can to ensure all of his relationships are in good standing.
Relating with others in the workplace has its
differences as well. Paul’s insight is that some feel insecure
around Patrick due to his intensity level and self-
confidence. Patrick quickly learns the inter-working of
every area of his work environment. This tremendous
knowledge of every employee’s responsibilities makes
others feel insecure. But, Patrick has no desire for his

co-workers to experience insecurity; he’s not even aware
of this taking place. Paul sees that when Patrick’s
co-workers decide to focus on his heart (instead of his
actions), they soon realize that his only desire is to be
helpful. Those who choose this route of seeing Patrick as a
person with a different way of relating, are more likely to
listen, accept advice, and become better for the
experience.
The way an Asperger individual relates to others with
humor and fun is also unique. In the workplace, Patrick
feels that new staff initially perceive him as a focused,
driven, “type A” person who has no time for enjoying life.
Though he finds many of their jokes funny, he doesn’t
think they are funny enough to laugh at. This can create
major problems because people sometimes view this as a
personal offense. Patrick knows that humor is needed in
the workplace and wants to join in the fun. However, new
staff are slow to realize Patrick is friendly, congenial and
desires to enjoy them, not just work with them. This can
make working with new staff very difficult and
unpleasant for months, unless other staff, who understand
Patrick, interpret him to them.
Patrick’s friends realize that his standards of relaxing
and having fun are just different. Patrick is intense, they
say, and it is hard for him to have fun and let his hair down,
so to speak. Jean describes times of lightheartedness
when, “Patrick would be quite serious. All of us would be
cutting up and having a good time, but Patrick would still
be solemn or stern.” He was not necessarily having a bad

time, just being himself.
In the workplace, Paul finds that Patrick really
struggles with having fun. His conclusion is that it is really
hard for a person with AS to have fun with people. Paul
also finds the types of activities Patrick enjoys quite
amusing. He thinks that Patrick’s enjoyment of Morse
code, his sense of humor, and his hobby of studying
people are all unique ways of enjoying life! Paul has come
to believe that Patrick takes great joy in his work of
managing well!
To Patrick, work can be pleasurable, and pleasurable
situations, he makes more like work. For those who want
to share pleasure with their Asperger friend, this is a bit
difficult. In any activity he involves himself in, Patrick will
totally focus. Bill remembers bringing two motorcycles
over to our house. He enjoyed watching Patrick’s
excitement as a huge grin spread across his face. A
pleasurable experience, he didn’t skip a beat in getting the
bikes fixed up.
As Patrick rolled the motorcycle off of the truck and
around to the back of our tiny apartment at language
school, the temperature was well into 120 degrees
fahrenheit. Bill was trying to get Patrick inside to wait for
a better time, but Patrick was totally focused. Bringing out
his heavy toolboxes, he called for Jared to assist him. With
sweat dripping down his glasses and blurring his vision,
he wouldn’t quit. His mission was not complete until the
motors were running and they took them for a ride.
Patrick would wear himself out before quitting. As most
people tend to separate work and play, enjoying life with

their Asperger friend can be a difficult task.
Anti-social behavior and the need for purposeful
withdrawal at times are also unique aspects affecting rela-
tionships between AS people and the outside world.
Patrick’s friends think it beneficial to have an interpreter
to make sense of this behavior. Without this interpreta-
tion, Jillian is certain that people with Asperger Syndrome
are lost to the world. She feels that others would not
understand Patrick and therefore would avoid him.
Jillian and I enjoyed a good laugh when remembering
an example of Patrick’s anti-social behavior. While living
together in a closed community as language students,
Jillian often would come to visit after being certain we
were home. She knocked at the back door, but got no
response. Thinking we may not have heard the knock,
Jillian walked around to the front of the apartment
building to knock at the front door. Passing by the closed
curtains in the front window, she peered into the living
room where she could see the top of Patrick’s head in his
favorite chair. Being persistent, she began knocking at the
front door and again there was no movement inside. Jillian
was very frustrated, as she did not understand why Patrick
was responding to her this way.
This form of relating was much different than what she
was accustomed to. Jillian understood that there are times
when people screen calls or don’t answer their door, but
knows that it is considered very rude to behave in this
fashion when others know you are home. When I
interpreted on Patrick’s behalf, Jillian was able to see that,
though Patrick was clearly being anti-social, his behavior

toward her was not personal. This helped her to gain
clarity of the situation and understand him better. Jillian
was able to accept that Patrick was simply not ready for
company and needed to withdraw socially.
Another example of Patrick’s anti-social behavior is
his unwillingness to talk on the phone. Since moving
away, a few years have passed without Patrick speaking
with Ramon and Jillian. So when we ladies were
conversing, I tried to get Patrick to speak with Jillian on
the telephone. Patrick’s response was, “You know I hate to
talk on the phone,” while accepting the phone from me. A
typical reaction from most people would be to have hurt
feelings, thinking Patrick as rude. Jillian, understanding
Patrick’s anti-social behavior and knowing his intent was
not malicious, spoke to him with kindness. And, in return,
she says she was blessed with such kind words, “like a
beautiful gift.” Jillian finds this behavior quite fascinating!
Equally amazing to Jillian is, “When Patrick is forced (by
social constraints) to talk on the phone, he does not
respond in the same way as others do. Instead of being
non-communicative, he has very meaningful substantial
conversations. When he puts his mind to it, Patrick does
not struggle with engaging in thoughtful, deep, intense,
and incredible encounters with the outside world.”
Those who know Patrick say that more commitment is
required (from both parties) in their relationship with
Patrick than in other relationships they are involved in.
Having to commit on a deep level relationally, however, is
scary for some people. Jillian, however, did not struggle
with her commitment to a relationship with Patrick. She

saw his depth of commitment to her. And when Bryan saw
the value of a friendship with Patrick, along with his
commitment, he also became willing to make the depth of
commitment required. The non-AS person must be
willing to be extra committed and faithful to the
relationship if he wants to befriend his AS acquaintance.
So, having a relationship with an AS person is harder since
both individuals need to be more accepting of each
other’s differences.
Paul shared some additional insight on the
commitment level of AS people. He says that Patrick has a
tendency to believe that others share the same level of
commitment as he does. When Patrick’s non-AS friend
does not show the same depth of concern for him as he
has for his friend, it means he does not care. Although this
is not true, it seems difficult for Patrick to comprehend.
Paul says that he has learned the importance of honoring
his commitments to Patrick. When he doesn’t, Patrick
assumes that either something seriously went wrong, or
that Paul does not care about the relationship. Paul
believes that honoring commitments is valuable in all rela-
tionships, but since an AS person trusts you, he will hold
you accountable. This was a huge concept for Paul to
understand.
Patrick’s loyalty and integrity is seen in his relation-
ships with his friends and co-workers. Bill shared an
example of Patrick’s loyalty to him when we were moving
away from Texas. After the trailers were loaded up with all
of our belongings and the vehicles ready to leave, Patrick
stopped by Bill’s house to ask if there was anything else he

could do for him before leaving the state. Bill, with a grin
ear-to-ear and ready for some fun said, “When you get to
Yellowstone, pick up a buffalo chip for me!” Patrick
cocked his head to one side in wonder at the request.
Then, when he believed Bill to be sincere, agreed to the
wild idea. As our family headed north, I immediately
forgot about Bill’s special package. And I bet Bill didn’t
think much about it either until receiving his chip in the
mail, along with a photo to prove its owner a certifiable
American bison! But Patrick, true to his word, did not rest
until his mission was complete. Bill recalled the incident
to me later and said that when he opened his package, he
just imagined Patrick not sleeping until he boxed up that
chip and dropped it off at the post office!
Having Patrick as his boss, Paul appreciates his moral
code of ethics. Paul has discovered Patrick to be very loyal
and committed to honesty, regardless of his personal cost.
Paul says, that “Even if Patrick dies in the process, he will
keep his word.” As a subordinate, Paul finds security in
knowing that his boss will back him up. When Patrick
believes in what his employees are involved with, they will
find him quite supportive.
Even in the workplace, Patrick strives to avoid
bothering or offending his co-workers. Paul’s example of
this attribute was when he shared with Patrick that a word
he commonly used really offended him. Since that time,
Paul states that Patrick has never again used it in his
presence. On occasion, after realizing Paul was within
earshot when Patrick used the offensive word, he was

quick to apologize.
Another factor Bryan feels that a friend of an Asperger
person needs to understand is his/her tremendous need
for structure. An average person doesn’t struggle much
with a change in plans, but the person with AS struggles
with adapting to sudden change. These changes are
significant for Patrick to deal with. Bryan learned to plan
activities in advance instead of just showing up at our
house with suggestions on places to go or things to do.
While still getting to know Patrick, Bryan really
wondered if Patrick’s structure was created as a desire to
present a certain image or if it was a genuine part of his
personhood. To test out his theory, Bryan switched a
stapler and tape dispenser on Patrick’s desk without
Patrick’s knowledge. (I have since been informed that
Patrick currently has co-workers moving items around on
his desk to see what he will do! They have no knowledge
of Patrick’s extreme need for order.) Patrick returned to
his office and began talking to Bryan, calmly placing each
item in their correct positions on the desk without a
second thought. Bryan was quite amazed and quickly
became a believer in Patrick’s deeply ingrained need for
structure.
Kristin also believed initially that Patrick was just
being picky and demanding that everything be his way or
not at all. She recalled a time, before having a name for the
face of AS, when I used to return money to Patrick’s
wallet. Later, as Patrick got into his wallet, we would all
watch as he “freaked out” finding the disarray. Each bill
had a precise place of its own and a precise way to exist.

The small denominations went in the front going in order
with the larger denominations in the back. Kristin also
noticed how Patrick would quietly abstain from eating
when food was not made the usual way. She began to
understand that he had no choice, that deep inside of
Patrick there is a need for structure and order.
At the rescue mission, Paul observes that having
structure is vital to a smooth environment. Paul says that
the more structure Patrick has, the more he is able to
accomplish. His mind is free to plan and deal with deeper
issues in life, rather than just the day-to-day issues. But,
when there is a lack of structure, Patrick’s day is ruined.
His energy is then focused on simply trying to re-structure
the day. As this happens, Paul sees that Patrick loses
flexibility, becoming increasingly difficult to work with.
Living the structure out, Patrick accomplishes more
than others, yet sometimes he misses opportunities for
connecting on the emotional level. At this point, Paul
advises that co-workers should understand that if
structured time is not available, they should wait until later
for discussion with Patrick. Traci feels that people should
not be upset with Patrick for this, but instead be under-
standing that this is how he needs to function. When able,
Patrick will drop everything and be quite flexible,
especially when others need his help.
Paul’s view of the environment created by Patrick’s
structure is one of more peace, less stress and much easier
in which to work. Before Patrick structured the
workplace, using a myriad of schedules, reports and
forms, the rescue mission had many crises and was a

pandemonium. Initially, employees did not welcome the
newly structured environment, but instead reacted as if
this new operations manager was simply a control freak.
Now, however, Traci points out that the structure has
made the ministry more successful. She sees that people
are communicating with one another and there is more
understanding between the staff members as well as the
residents.
An additional consideration Bryan mentioned in
relating to a person with AS is the need for a friend to be
strong. Bryan sees that this will give balance to the
relationship. Patrick easily plans out activities, having the
best ideas and methods to engage the activity, but Bryan’s
feeling is that this is one-sided. He says that friends need
to provide balance by initiating activities, giving their
ideas, and sometimes questioning what the Asperger
friend wants to do. To Bryan, it is apparent that the one
with AS tends toward extremes in everything he
endeavors to do, because he does it with all of his heart.
But, sometimes just dabbling into a hobby or activity,
rather than submerging yourself into it is better. Patrick is
an all or nothing kind of guy, but sometimes, partial
commitment is required.
Bryan brought up an example of how he dealt with
Patrick’s tendency toward extremes when our families
were visiting together. Patrick communicated that he had
an important issue to discuss with us all. When the little
kids were tucked into bed and Jared was out with a friend,
Patrick became very serious as he discussed a topic of
importance to him. There was tenseness in the air as

Patrick asked each of us to make a lifetime commitment
involving our future. Bryan gave pause to that, as he was
not ready to make that kind of commitment. In his
opinion, this same discussion with another friend would
require less commitment. Bryan says that others might
still make a commitment they cannot keep due to their
feeling pressured. But Bryan feels that his being a strong
person gives balance to his relationship with Patrick.
Those who spend much time with Asperger
individuals quickly realize the great desire they have to
share their abundant knowledge with others. Patrick says,
“We want to share our knowledge so others can have the
same benefit that we gain from it.” Lenina realized one of
the advantages of working with Patrick was his immense
knowledge of all the rules. Whenever she had any doubt
about what regulation affected a given situation, she
would ask Patrick and, “He would spout out all of the
information just like a dictionary!”
Jean appreciated Patrick’s knowledge in a class we
took together as couples. Since Patrick enjoys facts and
studying, he always had valuable insight to offer the class.
Jean felt that Patrick’s presence demanded for the
instructor to really know the information he was
presenting. Though not pushy, Patrick was quick to
correct an untruth, which caused for a more interesting
experience!
But Paul cautions that in the workplace, Patrick’s
sharing of personal insight can sometimes be dangerous
in the wrong hands. Paul realizes that Patrick is just trying
to give him insight on how to view others. When Patrick

discusses co-workers, he is not trying to badmouth them,
just stating reality. But Traci sees that since Patrick has no
emotional connection with the facts discussed, he does
not comprehend how his actions can be so traumatic for
the individual involved. Since Patrick has no desire to hurt
others, he does not understand the negative emotional
reactions others have as a result of his sharing personal
observations of them.
Paul shares the importance of communication in the
workplace. This is helpful as people with AS desire to get
along with others, especially in the workplace. In order to
do this, they need ample communication, as well as a
greater depth of communication. Communication is what
holds all things together, so more time may be spent in
communication with an AS boss than with a boss not
having Asperger Syndrome. Paul believes it extremely
important that Patrick’s subordinates view the extra
communication as a protection, not an intrusion. Patrick
has no desire to be controlling, but instead wants to
support his employees. Paul sees that it is crucial to find a
means of communication that is effective for both the boss
and employee. As Paul has worked in agriculture most of
his life, he had been used to communicating during a meal
shared together with his co-workers. But, upon coming to
work for Patrick, he had to change his style of communi-
cation. He tried various means of communication, before
finding an effective style. For Paul, the email system works
well for him, though he believes that daily communica-
tion in person is Patrick’s preferred method.
Traci complemented this discussion with how

communication affects relationships. She sees that
communication for Patrick can be extremely frustrating,
since he wants to fully understand what is being
communicated to him. Because Patrick tries very hard to
understand, when the words of others don’t make sense,
he becomes very frustrated. Traci explains that when
Patrick struggles to understand on the emotional level, he
has a need to know the intimate details of a situation, but
the individual himself may not even know those details.
Another difference in communication is what I call the
“truth factor.” It seems that a regular friendship includes
the hope of truthfulness, without the expectation of
truthfulness. For Patrick, the telling of white lies and other
lies immediately ends the relationship. Whether the
relationship is with a possible friend or co-worker, a lack
of truthfulness destroys any kind of friendship that might
have otherwise occurred.
One characteristic attributed to AS which appears to
especially affect Patrick’s work relationships is his
extreme attention to details. Paul shares that his boss reads
and files every report written, which may be helpful if the
information documented would ever be needed.
However, some employees can be quite insecure with this
attention to detail, since Patrick holds them to their word.
This isn’t a problem for Paul as his reports are honest and
he has nothing to hide.
Patrick also sees the report in more detail than others
do and makes ample comments regarding each report.
Since Patrick checks his subordinates’ work very closely,
employees may not feel trusted. Paul stresses the need for
employees not to take having their work being cut to
shreds (by their detail-oriented boss) personally. Patrick
only desires for his personnel to strive for a higher level of
work performance. Paul also shares another way he’s
learned to deal with Patrick’s attention to detail, to always
turn work in early. This ensures he will have plenty of time
for corrections!
Though Patrick is extremely detailed, at times he only
wants simplicity. Paul shares an amusing situation that
happened recently. He had worked hard to supply his boss
with a very detailed agricultural report/forecast. He felt
pleased with his work, confident that Patrick would be
happy with it. But much to his surprise, he received a call
from Patrick asking, “Paul, could you make this more
simple? We don’t need all the details.” Was he hearing
correctly? This was not the Patrick he had grown to
understand! He was quite shocked and bewildered! What
Paul didn’t know was that the management team from
headquarters couldn’t understand the massive amounts of
detail and agricultural terminology. They were having
detail overload! Though the report was wonderful to
Patrick, with all details fine-tuned, it was confusing the
ones who had requested the information.
To the AS manager, attention to detail in work area
cleanliness shows how well you are performing. To
Patrick, a tidy work area represents the high quality of
work being accomplished. If a person does not take the
time for the details of cleanliness, he also must not care
about what he is doing. Paul suggests that new employees
should walk through their work area together with their

boss. Paul has found that has helped him to see the work
environment as Patrick sees it, while at the same time
provided him with lots of work to accomplish! Paul
advises not to make the same mistake that he did by only
having one sheet of notebook paper to write on! Quickly
running out of paper, he found that even a rock was out of
place! But, until Paul spent time walking through his work
area with Patrick, he had no idea of the disarray which
was a glaring eyesore to his boss! As a result of this simple
effort, Paul now has gained an eye for details.
Well-maintained files on each employee are another
tribute to Patrick’s attention to detail that Paul finds
amazing. Patrick frequently adds notes to these files, using
information recorded to give valuable insight during the
employee’s yearly review. As Paul states, since yearly
reviews are opportunities to analyze an employee’s work
performance, bosses usually want to discuss ways to
improve. Though Patrick is quick to remind each
employee of their positive achievements, hearing lots of
negative details at once can be quite crushing! Paul
stresses the need for employees to understand why Patrick
does this, so they won’t feel so demoralized.
Patrick, always desirous of learning more details, will
ask his employees to teach him anything he doesn’t
already know about their jobs. Paul finds this difficult to
do in that agriculture does not follow a formula; the
details of agriculture have too many variables. Since
agriculture is not like a machine which only functions one
way, Paul finds it difficult to teach Patrick the details he is

so ready to learn.
All of our friends interviewed strongly concur that a
person with AS is benefited greatly by having a
non-Asperger spouse. Jillian’s insight is that a non-AS
spouse is a grounding point, giving the Asperger person
feedback into others’ lives and minds. She saw Patrick and
I communicating a great deal. Jillian believes that a spouse
can be a buffer between the world and the AS person.
Bryan’s view is that balance can be provided in a marriage
in the same way that a friend can provide balance to the
relationship. A non-AS spouse can help balance out the
level of intensity with which his/her Asperger partner
goes into a relationship or a project. Bryan sees my
interpreting as helpful in understanding where others are
coming from. Without the interpretation, Bryan says, an
AS individual might take offense by someone who didn’t
mean to offend; that person simply may not have
understood his expectations. Or, the non-AS friend may
be offended by something the AS friend said or did.
For Patrick, the interpretation I do relieves a lot of
stress and confusion. He says that my interpretation
prevents him from closing off relationships he otherwise
would have shut off. Jillian fears that without a “buffer,”
AS people would isolate themselves. She is bothered by
the amount of isolation another AS acquaintance we both
know experiences and laments his having to experience
this loneliness. Lenina believes that our relationship
helped her to understand Patrick, even though we did not
yet have a name to the face of AS. She found my interpre-
tation of Patrick the key to her acceptance of his unique

behavior.
One difficulty in a marriage between an AS spouse and
a non-AS spouse, however, is the communication factor.
Both Patrick and I have to work very hard to understand
each other. As Kristin said, “Interpretation for others can
take place, but who is going to interpret for both of you?”
Patrick brought up another difficulty for the Asperger
individual married to the non-AS person. He continually
tries adjusting to doing things on the spur of the moment,
or having to answer to questions about “how he feels about
things.” The “normal” spouse frequently changes plans
after decisions are already made and this is very hard and
stressful.
Bryan and Kristin shared the importance of the need
for structure. Their advice to the non-AS spouse is, “to be
patient and understanding, assisting in creating order and
structure, not to fight, but to comply.” Jillian also noticed
the extremely strict guidelines and structure within our
home, even in unstructured modes. Jillian’s advice for a
spouse of an AS individual is, “to educate oneself and
follow through with commitments and love.”
In general, since in Patrick’s opinion, “People are
extreme variables, unpredictable, and often not very
interested in relationships that require effort,” it seems that
it would be easier for an AS man to be married to an AS
woman. But Patrick advises “to simply talk calmly to your
AS spouse when trying to sort out any confusion, misun-
derstanding or frustration.” Regardless of the energy
required, true enjoyment and fulfillment in a “mixed”
marriage can be found when both individuals realize the

tremendous gem they have in their spouse.
It appears to me that a person with Asperger
Syndrome is either a villain to those who haven’t taken the
time to get to know him, or a hero to those who have.
Patrick is at the top of Bill’s list of the ten most influential
people affecting his life. Bill states, “Patrick is a leader, a
real man, upfront and honest, a close and good friend. I see
him as an incredible human being. I have never seen
Patrick as a ‘special needs’ individual, but someone I
wanted to get to know better from the moment I first met
him. He is as honest as honest could be, yet gentle. Patrick
always treated you with tremendous respect. It was clear
that he was the leader in the home. When Patrick was
teaching me and he had to correct me, he was gentle
enough.” Bill concluded with wishing he could spend
more time with Patrick.
Bill also is impressed by Patrick’s ability to make up his
mind to do something. Bill shared an example of Patrick
doing “a tremendous job in great adversity with only his
own back and imagination.” While living in south Texas,
Patrick had purchased a four-wheel drive Ford Bronco.
The truck needed to be painted, but Patrick wasn’t willing
to invest a lot of his money into it. So off he drove to
Wal-mart, buying some cans of spray paint. He then began
taping the Bronco to prepare it for the new paint job.
When Bill came by to visit, there was Patrick, out in the
driveway spray-painting the Bronco with a little can of
spray-paint! Bill was a bit shocked, as he “had never seen
anyone do anything like that before!” Patrick, with
nothing but sweat equity and cans of spray paint was

making something happen, simply by creativity and
effort.
Ramon and Jillian also spoke of Patrick being
someone they greatly admired. Ramon said, “What can I
say? He’s my hero. He helped me in a way that no one else
could! That’s it!” Jillian says that she is fortunate to have an
Asperger friend. She says, “Compared to what I have
gained from the relationship, my cost has been so little.”
She shared that her great respect for Patrick allowed her to
accept his difficult words of counsel. Jillian really wanted
me to understand that their marriage was saved by the
time Patrick and I invested into their lives. Ramon and
Jillian are now, “Following the example modeled out
before us,” as they both work with other young couples.
Though these three specifically called Patrick their
hero, all interviewed acknowledge that much is to be
gained from rubbing shoulders with the world of
Asperger Syndrome. But Paul says, “Often opportunities
are lost due to the obvious differences exhibited in their
behavior.” Paul advises people to hear the heart of the
person with Asperger Syndrome. He says there is a need
for communication within himself “to see what these
special individuals have to offer and accept the
opportunity for growth available when exposed to them.”
Paul says, “We need to ask the ‘why questions’ and seek to
understand that person even more than you would
another. Why doesn’t he feel what I am saying? Why is he
so structured? Why doesn’t he understand what I am
trying to say? Why is he so angry? Why is he watching me
closely? Why is he so detailed?” He concludes that when

having a boss with AS, if a person takes the time for
internal communication, he will grow in ways not
anticipated.
Before concluding this chapter, I need to stress the
importance our friends see in encouraging, not only those
interacting with AS individuals, but also the individual
himself who may be struggling with this syndrome. He
may not have the benefit of having a name for the face of
this disorder and wonder why his social life is so difficult.
He also may not have a support base from which to draw
encouragement and feedback. This individual needs to
realize the great contribution the world will gain by his
engagement with it. Those with AS can share with the
non-AS population their many positive attributes, gifts
and talent. These individuals can be incredible, faithful
employees. They are needed in situations requiring
organization and problem solving. Though relating to the
outside world comes at a great price (as the struggle and
energy exerted to interact socially is immense), the world
will be a better place for having been touched by them.
Traci says, “Patrick should be an encouragement to
others with AS. Patrick is a testimony of how a person
with AS can learn to encourage and support others even
when they don’t understand all the feelings ‘normal’
people go through. All is not lost, just because a person
with AS doesn’t understand. This doesn’t mean they can’t
learn to communicate the deep love and support they have
for others. They can learn to communicate emotionally to
an emotional world.”
In conclusion, much valuable insight was gained by

interviewing family friends, neighbors and Patrick’s
co-workers. I believe that their practical advice will be
helpful to many who interact with the Asperger world.
When we, as a society learn to think differently, and
accept those who don’t follow the normal codes of
behavior, much will be gained. The wonderful people
from Planet Asperger will then be allowed to be a
tremendous asset to friends, co-workers and the
community as a whole!
9
Some Differences between

Asperger People and Others
How to Understand “Normal” People
There are many obvious differences between Asperger

people and so-called “normal” folk. Although some of
these differences may apply to all people, in truth, they are
more amplified or exaggerated in the lives of those with
Asperger Syndrome. Many of these differences can cause
Asperger individuals to be misunderstood. Some of these
are: being too focused at times, having all their emotions
viewed as anger or frustration when they’re not, excessive
need of time alone, going into monologues, being too
frank, not being able to read other’s emotions and
expecting too much perfection from other people. In this
chapter, some of these differences will be covered, along
with possible explanations as to how a person with
Asperger Syndrome should view others.
Asperger people often appear robotic. Sometimes they
seem not to be able to feel. It is not that they don’t feel,
127
rather that their feelings are either desensitized or overly

sensitized. For instance, Asperger individuals may need to
be told that it is cold enough outside to warrant a jacket so
they will not get sick. A reminder may be needed that if
they do not drink enough water, they will get dehydrated
which will cause a headache. It is not enough just to say
that it is cold or hot. One must give their loved one the
logic for what he or she is to do. An Asperger person might
not be aware of a gaping cut in their hand until someone
points out the blood making a mess.
When Patrick was a teenager, the vice principal
followed a trail of blood down the hallway that led to his
classroom. Patrick did not know that it was he that was
hurt until everyone noticed the trail ending at his desk. He
was then sent to the emergency room for stitches. More
recently, Patrick began complaining of severe pain in his
arm that could only be mildly subdued by morphine. He
did not connect his pain with a three-wheeler crash he
had had just days before. On the other hand, for an
Asperger person getting bumped into even slightly, can be
very upsetting. Small jolts sometimes cause major
outbursts. Patrick needs a lot of personal space so that a
slight brush against him does not create stress. When
going for a walk, it is necessary to allow Patrick to walk in
a straight line, at a consistent pace. The dogs, as well as the
people, have to be kept at a distance from him to avoid
unnecessary collisions.
People seem to notice the emotional difference in
those with Asperger Syndrome quicker than anything
else. Emotions seems to be absent, although they are
Some Differences between Asperger People and Others 129
present. Patrick has no mental filing system for emotions.

Emotions are not naturally organized and it is quite
confusing as to how one should respond to others.
Navigating emotionally around normal people is very
difficult to do. Without the proper tools to work with in
this area, Asperger people simply must live with it. They
must learn what is expected for each and every situation,
then mimic as much as possible.
Most people have their feelings involved in their daily
lives, whereas Asperger people have logic and
performance. Asperger people may perform their duties
well at work or home, yet appear to be cold or quiet.
Because of their performance, they believe that this is seen
as an action of love. However, performance is not enough
for normal people who also want the Asperger person to
feel. If this skill is not learned, others become hurt, angry
or they avoid the person with Asperger Syndrome because
he is too strange to be around. When an Asperger
individual practises proper emotional skills, he shows his
care and concern for others, allowing them to be more
comfortable in their grief or happiness. Sometimes, this
does not work well. For example, my son (in Chapter 4)
told about an incident when he cut his finger. In this
situation, Patrick did what he was taught to do. However,
the lack of emotion in his dad really hurt Jared, which, in
turn, really bothers Patrick. Events such as this one serve
as motivation to work harder at understanding the
emotional realm.
To an Asperger individual, choosing emotions is like
having a choice of only one or two colors, but having
different shades of those colors to choose from. If normal

people are not rewarded with one of those emotions (or
colors), they do not understand. The interpretation is that
the one with Asperger Syndrome does not care or is only
performing because he must. The other side of that
situation is how Asperger people interpret the emotions of
others in their actions, facial expressions, body posture,
etc. Outside help is often needed to know what the
response is in other people. When normal people do not
react in basic, normal emotional patterns, there is
confusion. Happy, sad, angry, or excited emotions are all
pretty simple. But when a special gift is given and the
recipient just looks at the giver for a second or two (which
seems like an eternity), then shows a basic emotion, this
reaction is quite perplexing. What did that pause mean?
Are the feelings and facials faked to make one think they
liked the gift? When something is not understood in rela-
tionships with others, this is quite unsettling. For someone
with Asperger Syndrome, it is helpful to ask a trusted
friend or loved one to interpret what they view as the
reaction of another. Even though the interpretation may
seem odd, this is better than not having a clue and being
totally confused. Often normal people can better
understand normal people.
Many people do not mind being slightly or
occasionally disorganized. The confusing part is that to an
Asperger individual others’ disorganization seems to
bother them. Words such as, “I’m sorry I’m late. I am so
mad at myself for losing my keys” or “Someday I’ll get this
place organized” communicate that a person is uncomfort-
able with their disorganization. In truth, however, most

normal people do not care to be organized any more than
is absolutely necessary. This is an interesting perspective
and is very helpful. Knowing this fact about normal
people helps the Asperger individual to relax to some
degree about disorganization in the people around them.
Many normal people are organized in a general sense
while Asperger people are organized in a very specific
way. Going into a variety of situations properly informed
is a benefit to the Asperger mind. When something is
organized at work or in a social situation, knowing ahead
of time that it will seem unorganized enables the Asperger
person to relax. If a person goes into the situation
anticipating the confusion, it is easier to deal with. One
can collect information on areas that must be known
about ahead of time. For Asperger people, others need to
be allowed to be themselves. The Asperger person must
accept the disorganization of others. The normal people
can be allowed to swirl about in their confusion, while the
one with Asperger Syndrome will be able to relax.
The difference in the level of performance in a normal
person versus an Asperger person is another issue that is
important to understand. For Partick as an Asperger
person, he needs to be involved with a minimum of two
things at once. Most normal people are happy to do only
one thing at a time. For example, some folks are perfectly
content to simply eat breakfast, Patrick has to read or be
listening to the news, while eating. Otherwise he feels he
is wasting his time. As an Asperger individual, Patrick
enjoys getting more than one thing done at a time. This
situation explains why many normal people get stressed

over multi-task issues. Even when planning fun events,
individuals only want the responsibility of planning for
one part. They plan and execute their part, but let others
do the rest.
It is worth mentioning that sometimes Asperger
individuals are considered lazy or non-productive. This
conclusion is made due to not being able to consider the
processes taking place in their minds. Frequently, these
folks are willfully immobilized and prevented from taking
action. The Asperger person takes in the big picture of a
situation and categorizes it down into a manageable size.
He, at the same time, is taking inventory on his opinions,
experiences and overall sense about the many aspects of
what it is he is sorting out. As this is whittled down he
forms an order of how and if these events should happen.
Then the decision is made as to whether or not he will do
it. If so, he proceeds. If not, he will begin the process over
again. Some things hamper a person from completing this
process, such as lacking vital details needed, having a
logical reason for going through with the action, having a
value system of what is important to him (helping family,
getting promoted, etc.) or lacking the confidence
necessary to go through with the decision. If this process
is rushed, there will be a high level of stress to deal with
and it will take longer, not happen quicker.
This process is exactly what happened one sunny day
in the Dominican Republic. Our friends had just arrived
on the island, so our family was showing them around the
closest city. It had been decided that we would walk
around and locate stores where they could find items they
would need in the future. Upon disembarking from our
vehicles, everyone had collected what was needed and was
ready for the journey. However, Patrick stood stock still
by the car and would not move. He was unable to just walk
around, and needed a specific plan to follow. This put a
temporary damper on the mood as no one knew which
shops were where and we had no map to guide us along.
After Patrick came up with a structure he could follow, our
little group started out. Each weekend also needs a
definite plan to follow. It is not okay to just wait and see
what the day will hold. A plan needs to be made and
executed for peace to be had.
The perception of accomplishing is another note-
worthy topic. Often normal people like to do nothing, but
there is no room in the Asperger mind for that concept. In
our home, we have an individual affectionately called
“The White Tornado.” This is a nickname Patrick has well
earned for his constant high level of productivity (plus his
desire for constant and complete cleanliness). Activities
must be challenging, or he becomes easily bored. Even
though Patrick performs an exhausting job as an
operations and facilities manager for a rescue mission, he
still is not satisfied. Patrick has written a manual, and
given training at national level, for the mission. It is
important for others to understand Patrick’s need for this
constant high level of performance, or they may feel
threatened by what they consider competition. Part of
meeting his need for challenges is his present work of
writing this book. He also is currently studying a new
culture and considering a Master’s degree. Patrick has an

insatiable desire to learn, achieve, and conquer. How can
anyone be content in doing nothing?
This difference in the need for constant activity is vital
to know since it can be draining on loved ones and
sometimes quite unrealistic. For instance, when Patrick is
sick, he doesn’t seem to understand that he cannot keep
up as before. As he continues to try to keep up his
tremendous productivity, he becomes more and more
frustrated. If I can alert him to his illness and how it affects
him, I can often ward off a major explosion. Either as a
result of, or as an instigator of the Asperger person’s drive
to get things done, normal people often misunderstand
these individuals. Sometimes they are viewed as angry,
frustrated, uptight or even worse, uncaring or unloving.
Once an Asperger individual realizes this, changes can be
made to keep relationships healthy. A distinct effort can be
made to show appreciation of others. This is especially
helpful in dealing with in-laws and co-workers.
Another area necessary for Asperger people to
understand concerns visualization. Apparently, most
people do not have a need to visualize what they are
getting into before getting involved. This concept is very
difficult to accept, but necessary to understand. Since an
Asperger person thinks normal people need the details
about a situation (as he does), he is quick to spend ample
time in a conversation explaining them. To be informed
that these details are not needed will keep the
conversation from becoming boring and keep the
attention of the participants involved.
One can see the differences in those with Asperger

Syndrome from normal people. There are many areas;
however, we have only discussed a few. Feeling, both
emotionally and physically, was explored. Understanding
what normal people need in the way of emotions and how
Asperger people have to learn proper emotional responses
is vital to relationships. The differences in our comfort
levels of organization are important. Productivity and
accomplishing is a driving force for the person with
Asperger Syndrome. And understanding the lack of the
visualization process in the mind of a normal person is
also a valued insight.
10
A Look at Positive Aspects

of Having Asperger Syndrome
This final chapter, looking at the positive aspects of

having Asperger Syndrome, is intended to be informative,
but even more importantly, encouraging. Although there
are many positive attributes that accompany those with
Asperger Syndrome such as, being observant, compas-
sionate, having high IQs, being detailed, organized,
analytical, task oriented, loyal, and having the ability to be
rational and unemotional in a crisis, this chapter will only
cover a few. Each of us will share our thoughts on this
separately.
Jared’s closing thoughts…

I would like to leave you with some lingering thoughts on
a few of the positive aspects of Asperger Syndrome.
One of these is the fact that your AS parent is almost
always more than willing to help you, and when he does,
he does so until the target project is finished. He does this
due to his need for completion, and desire to help. A
recent example of this is when my dad helped me with my
137
motorcycle tire. I have a Honda CB 750 motorcycle. My

parents noticed just the other day that I have a nail in my
back tire. I have needed a new tire for a while because my
tread is going bald. (No, it is not because I have been
doing burnouts.) Anyway, my dad decided to help me get
a new tire. So the next day he called around to find the
best tire price. He figured out a way to pay for it, and got it
that day, all without my having to ask him for help, and all
within about ten minutes. The morning after that, he
helped me take my back tire off and put my bike on
blocks. By myself this would have taken about four hours,
but because of my dad’s need for completion, and his
desire to help, it only took about thirty minutes.
Another good quality is the AS parent’s loyalty to their
family and friends. In our world today, true loyalty is hard
to come by. I recently had a neighbor back into my car. My
dad was outside at the time, and I was inside doing
something, so I did not hear the crunch. My dad quickly
stopped the lady, and told her to wait until I could come
and check it out. Somehow he found me and I went and
looked to see how much of my car had been destroyed.
Now someone else might have ran and told me that my
neighbor had run into my car and that I need to come out
and look. But he probably would not have stopped the
lady in the car and made her get out and wait for me.
Because of his loyalty to me and his ability to act well
under pressure, both of which are Asperger traits, he did
what he did.
One thing that has been really helpful to me is my
dad’s daily structuring of his time. Even though he does
A Look at Positive Aspects of Having Asperger Syndrome 139
not have a cell phone or pager, I usually always know

where he is and how to find him. This is nice because
when I am out with my friends and I need to talk to him or
ask for help, I can usually always get a hold of him.
In summary, there are many good things about
Asperger Syndrome. However, I do not have nearly
enough time or space to write about all of them. I have
learned a lot in writing this, and I hope that in reading this
book you will be helped greatly. The one thing that
encompasses everything that I have written is this:
communicate.
Patrick’s closing thoughts…

It seems that there are positives and negatives to most
things in life. Clearly, there are drawbacks to having
Asperger Syndrome. I want to finish my part of this book
thinking of the positives of what AS means in my life, par-
ticularly how it relates to people around me and what is
required of me in life. This last chapter is a bit of a
summary in a way. I’ll be relatively brief and yet make my
points. May these thoughts encourage you who read
them.
Because I have a desire to observe what goes on
around me and constantly learn new information and
skills, I get a broad knowledge covering a variety of
subjects. This is very handy. I can usually converse with
anyone about whatever they want to. If I do not know
about their subject of interest, I want to. I genuinely am
interested in and ask about what they want to talk about. I
get to learn more!
This broad base of interest or knowledge helps me get

past my lacking social skills at times. My genuine interest
in what others have to say keeps the door open with them,
and prevents some relationships from ending at the first
meeting. This trait also helps me when being asked to
listen to others or give advice. I do care and usually have
some understanding of their circumstances, either
through my own life or that of others whom I have
listened to. All this helps when giving feedback or simply
directing others in coming up with their own solutions.
Being a detail-oriented guy comes in handy. It can
lead to being too critical of others. I prefer to balance it
out by using this trait to be helpful. Being aware of details
helps me perform better at home and work. I don’t believe
I have ever forgotten a birthday, anniversary, or other
significant days of Estelle’s or Jared’s! When I get my list
of tasks to accomplish during my meetings with my
supervisor, I make it complete. I follow through to the
detail. My supervisors have appreciated this and have
mentioned it several times over the years. This trait has
helped balance out my performance evaluations at work as
well.
Being one who stays calm during crises helps in
several ways. I can often help things go smoothly and/or
prevent the crisis from getting worse. This applies to an
upset family member as well as a traffic accident, or other
emergency.
My commitment level to those around me can be very
beneficial to all concerned. I see my family, friends, and
co-workers as people. I do not see them simply as an
employee, wife, acquaintance, son, etc. Because of

struggling to be understood at times, I strive to understand
others. I try to sympathize or empathize with those
around me. This allows me to better love them in thought,
prayer, and deed. The traits I’ve mentioned in this section
lend themselves toward being a better leader, lover, and
supervisor. We all find ourselves in these positions at
times.
I really enjoy my “special interests.” When I think of
people who do not practise a hobby or special interest, I
feel sad for what they are missing. The joy and pleasure of
studying people, motorcycling, reading, etc. is wonderful!
I would be missing a great deal of pleasure in life if I didn’t
have my interests or hobbies outside of work and family.
While I love my family and friends, I can enjoy
solitude. In fact, I really enjoy being alone. While some
people need to be around people most of the time, I’d
rather be alone most of the time. Solitude and silence are
beautiful parts of life for me.
Estelle’s closing thoughts…

Asperger traits and non-Asperger traits can both be
viewed in either a positive or negative light. As I have
shared in this book, I believe that a healthy support
system is vital to the person with AS. People with
Asperger Syndrome are no different than others in their
need to be encouraged to grow in their gifts and abilities,
and tone down their behavior which affects people in a
negative way. When your AS loved one is valued for what
s/he brings to a relationship in a positive way, this will
help him/her to engage in life more often and in a deeper

way.
One area frequently mentioned by other family
members of AS individuals is their loved one’s seeming
lack of motivation. In Patrick’s case, he is either “all on” or
“all off.” Patrick is either totally involved in a situation, or
not involved at all. This may be misunderstood, but all
who know Patrick well know he definitely does not suffer
from a lack of motivation. What happens is that life must
be organized. The tools and materials for the job must be
available. The information for the situation needs to be
understood. If these factors are not in place, then the AS
individual cannot do what is expected.
An example of this is repairs or jobs around our house.
Our family has been remodeling and fixing up a house we
purchased close to three years ago. This means that we
have had ample tasks to accomplish. Before we even
signed the contract on the house, Patrick had a priority list
in his mind of which jobs were to be done first, second
and so on. However, each of these jobs was at a complete
standstill until the money, time, and materials became
available to complete the project. Once everything
became available for each particular job then no time was
wasted until the work was done. Leaving a job half
finished is not an AS trait! What would take most
individuals multiple days or hours to complete is finished
in no time flat due to Patrick being “all on!” This is a very
positive attribute to have in a husband when you want to
have your house fixed up. J
Due to Patrick’s intense study of life, he is extremely

knowledgeable in many areas. Most people get an overall
or general idea of specific areas of life, and a detailed
knowledge in a few areas. But Patrick studies each area of
life he comes in contact with to the greatest depth
possible. Because of this, I can go to him for help with
practically everything!
One area of life in which I have benefited by tapping
into Patrick’s knowledge is my employment. Since Patrick
received a college degree in the management of human
resources and continues to hone his skills in this area as a
manager, he has great knowledge in this area. I have
learned much about how to get along with others in the
workplace, how to “dress for success,” how to maintain a
good reputation, how to be listened to when there is
something the boss needs to know, and much more!
Another AS trait that I have modeled from Patrick is
his great organizational skills. I have become very
organized and detailed in my classroom at school. I have
developed charts, forms, and other techniques to do my
job well. Frequently, I get compliments on how organized
I am! This has been a great benefit to my reputation as an
employee.
Because I can learn about situations from Patrick
before actually having to encounter them, I can gain
confidence and experience life, as I never would have.
One memory that comes to mind is our move to Hawaii.
Patrick and I were a young military couple, newly married
and moving to a place far from home. I knew no one, was
unfamiliar with the island and didn’t know how to drive
our vehicle. Because Patrick had studied marriage and life

in general, he knew that it was common for military wives
to go into isolation, and therefore depression, when
moving to a new home. No sooner had I arrived on the
island than Patrick put me behind the wheel of our
Volkswagen van. Having already explored, he showed me
how to get to around the island to the places I would need
to go and helped me to become familiar and
unintimidated by the newness of it all. After I knew my
way to the military base, the post office, and grocery store,
he then worked on ways to get me connected with other
military wives. I was able to really enjoy my time overseas
while other wives were lonely and isolated in their homes.
Each of us has a choice to make in life, whether to look
for the best in others or the worst. We can either build
others up with our encouragement or tear them down
with our criticism. I personally would like for others to
accept me for who I am, while helping me to become a
better person. As well, I should do the same for my
husband with Asperger Syndrome.
Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome is our family’s
life story. The purpose of exposing personal details of our
lives is to somehow produce hope and helpful insight to
other families, friends and co-workers of AS people. Many
see Asperger Syndrome as another disability to put up
with. However, as each person is valued and appreciated
as an individual, relationships are much more meaningful.
Solid, loving relationships are core to a great family and
rich life. May God use this book to help bring joy and
richness to you and your loved ones.

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What are some of the positive traits of someone with Asperger Syndrome according to the author?

What are some of the positive traits of someone with Asperger Syndrome according to the author?

How does the author say she has benefited from her husband's knowledge?

How does the author say she has benefited from her husband's knowledge?

Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships

Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome

Patrick, Estelle and Jared McCabe

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work

First published in the United Kingdom in 2003

Copyright © Patrick, Estelle and Jared McCabe 2003

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

ISBN-13: 978 1 84310 744 6

Printed and Bound in Great Britain by

Having Asperger Syndrome for forty-four years makes

As a family, we’d like to thank our God, who loves all

What is this book about? It is a collaborative effort on the

more as we spend more time together. We hope to share

A Bird’s Eye View

A three-year-old boy sat on a wooden rooster in a park. He

times people have said to me they would do something “in

When someone says, “That car almost hit that kid,” I

usually takes me hours to feel calm again, if nothing else

track. I was doing well in the classes where we did not

graduate student tutor prior to class, I would get lost

At different times as a teenager, I dreamed about and

When my time was up in the Navy, I wanted a new

I was torn between my loyalty to them and my desire

Spanish grammar was, we became fully supported

Well, now you have a bird’s eye view of how at least

Living with an Asperger

The year was 1983. A casual setting, he was dressed

Our first years of marriage were met with only normal

ensued. He made the simple things of life complex and the

performances did not continue unnoticed. Jared finally

Mr Hyde may just laugh at his attempts to annoy him. He

thoughtfulness and chivalry. I am cared for and nurtured

Army has acquired many of his outgrown or out of style

allowing continued relationships. I also can interpret him

dinner, Patrick would eat the last few cookies or other

Asperger tics (e.g. raising his eyebrows, pulling on his

To keep a marriage healthy and enjoy one’s spouse

A word from Estelle…

Throughout our many years of marriage I have

in our relationship we both have desired, although at

necessary to engage in the people time. Sometimes this

Another adjustment made is my acceptance of the role

the inside, not scratchy at all. These clothes will be

Another stressful issue dealing with clothing is

transitions for various activities. Another remedy is for my

the extrovert I am not, to “cover” for Patrick’s unsocial

how much time I need with him. He is so good about

Social life can be fun. However, most of the time it is

The Basics of Living

There are many ways of dealing with a dad that has

said something like, “Well, that sounds like it hurt. I hope

are thinking and feeling can be a great relief of tension,

yourself in trouble. It is not like they are holding a double