The Signs of Controlling Behaviour

The Signs of Controlling
Behaviour – Red Flags and How

to Spot Them
If we were able to teach young people to recognise the signs of controlling
behaviour, the ‘red flags’, would we be able to protect them from abusive
relationships?
If we were to teach children in schools how to spot a controlling person, would
be help save them from misery and self-doubt?
If we talk openly with friends about the ‘red flags’ would they recognise their
own relationships and find the strength to walk away? I hope so.
For this reason, I am writing two blog posts today. One for adults, here on this
blog, and one for tweens and teens on Jump! Mag When writing for kids, I am
very concious of the fact that not all parents will have had The Talk with their
kids, and some of our readers are just seven or eight years old. For this
reason, sex is a taboo topic on Jump! Mag, but I believe that the foundation
for healthy relationship building is laid before children hit puberty.
Young people are very susceptible to controlling behaviour – when
tweens and young teens, more likely from their peers but as time passes also
in adult sexual relationships.
It is important that young people are taught how to recognise a controlling
person – whether it is a peer, and adult or a family member.
This blog post is written from the perspective of a woman, and advises how to
recognise a controlling man. This doesn’t mean that I don’t accept that men
are abused too, or that women cannot be controlling or manipulative. In the
majority of abusive relationships, the man is the aggressor. For this reason,
and because it reads easier than using he/she, I have used the pronoun ‘he’.

The Red Flags
We talk about the ‘Red Flags’ of controlling and abusive behaviour. I
interviewed several women, and hosted guest blog posts, for the Mumsnet
We Believe You Campaign. Women who were raped, women who had been
abused, many of them over a long period of time. Often these women are
asked, ‘Why did you not leave?’ and they find it difficult to explain even to
themselves.
The answer is that their self-esteem had been slowly but methodically eroded
until they were no longer able to make a rational decision. Women who had
been strong, independent and happy became timid and fearful. They tiptoed
around the house and the moods of their partner. They sought to do
everything right, and blamed themselves when they did something ‘wrong’.
What happened between the time that they met their partner and the moment
when they realised it was time to get out? And why did they not notice that
their partner was abusive?
The gradual escalation of abuse is often very difficult to spot, if you are living
in the middle of if. Here are the signs to look out for. If you are seeing a man,
and you recognise these signs, take a step back and assess the situation.

Initial Infatuation Period
 He is extremely attentive, phones, emails or texts constantly
 He gets serious fast. Talks about the love of his life, or moving in together.
 He is jealous – which might flatter you at first. ‘It is only because I love you so
much’
In this period, he will bring flowers and gifts, treat you like a ‘princess’, be
loving and caring. You might feel uneasy about the speed of the relationship
but don’t want to rock the boat because he is so different from the guys who
want to play the field.

First Doubts
 He blames others eg for his failed marriage or relationship. ‘My ex is a real
bitch, I am so glad that I have found you’.
 He tries to change you. Your hair, make up, clothes. In a subtle way, eg. by
bringing you presents very different to the clothes you would normally wear.
 He tries to stop you seeing your friends. ‘I just want to be with you, I want to
spend time with you’.
 He doesn’t take notice of your feelings, ‘Don’t be silly…’
In this period, you might have moments of misgiving, but then he backs off
and is the loving attentive man you first fell for.

Sowing The Seeds of Self-Doubt
 He puts you down, at first when you are alone but later in front of others, often
disguised as a joke.
 He makes comments about your appearance, making you feel less attractive.
 His digs are subtle, and when you call him on them, he is offended and upset
that you ‘didn’t get his joke’.
 He insults your friends, and tries to stop you seeing them.
 He is moody and unpredictable, but blames his bad moods on you so you
start adapting your behaviour to keep him happy.
 He accuses you of being unfaithful, or of flirting with other men.
 He ignores you, if you do something that displeases him, and ‘rewards’ you
with his attention and affection when he is pleased with you.
By now, you are already doubting yourself, and beginning to refer to him for
minor and major decision making.

Escalation of Abuse
 He stops you doing what you want, or seeing who you want.
 He isolates you financially, making you dependent on him.
 He blames you for anything that goes wrong.
 He becomes more abusive, both verbally and physically
 He becomes upset if you talk of leaving him, and threatens to do himself harm
By this point, you are cowed. You are frightened and isolated. You barely say
anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

One woman I interviewed for the Mumsnet We Believe You Campaign talked
of the red flags, and how she could see in retrospect many of the signs of
abusive behaviour. She was one of the lucky ones.

“I always remember the boiling frog anecdote. The premise is that if a frog is
placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is
slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. That
describes a woman in an abusive relationship perfectly”.

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The Signs of Controlling

Behaviour – Red Flags and How

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