Controlling Anger

To enjoy harmonious relationships with one’s spouse, family, friends,

and professional associates is a universal human goal. Anger, however,
is a character trait that can undermine this basic aspiration. Anger can
destroy years of investment in a relationship in a matter of minutes. So
why is it that most people are quite content to live with the tendency
to become angry?

The answer is that most people go through life without ever thinking
how destructive anger really is, and conversely, how constructive
patience is. And even if someone has this understanding, he may lack
practical techniques to control anger. This class will analyze why anger
is so destructive and provide insights and tools to help us gain control
in the most trying moments.

This class will address the following questions:

• What makes an angry person so frightening to other people?

• What does an angry person stand to lose and a patient person
stand to gain?
• How does one replace anger with patience?
• Isn’t it appropriate to be angry sometimes?
• Is it really possible to overcome a tendency toward anger?

Class Outline

Section I. What We Stand to Lose

Part A. Personal Damage
Part B. Social Damage
Part C. Undermining Personal and Spiritual Growth

Section II. The Benefits of Patience

Section III. Tools for Controlling Anger

Part A. Forming Positive Habits
Part B. Putting Things in Perspective
Part C. Developing Humility
Part D. Developing Trust in God
Section I. What We Stand to Lose

Anger and frustration – not so common, you say? Just consider the
following:

A large, international retail corporation is now proudly offering its

customers “Frustration-free packaging – no dreaded wire ties, no
impenetrable plastic clamshells.” This special wrapping is designed to
protect valued customers from becoming victims of “wrap rage,” the
fury that sets in when it takes a customer more than a nanosecond to
get to his new purchase.

Wrap rage, also called package rage – the common name for anger
and frustration resulting from the inability to open hard-to-remove
packaging – is so common, that the American Dialect Society voted
“wrap rage” as one of the most useful new words of 2007.

I discovered that “wrap” isn’t the only “rage” out there. “Rage,”
unfortunately, is all the rage these days.

“Computer rage” is anger and frustration resulting from using a

computer. It may result in verbal or physical abuse toward the
innocent computer.

“Trolley rage” is anger and frustration in a supermarket resulting from

out of stock items, and is characterized by such actions as ramming
another shopper’s cart.

The word “rage” (c. 1300) comes from the Latin rabies, meaning
madness, rage or fury and is related to rabere, to be mad and rabid.

Yikes. (Sima Steinbaum, Mishpacha Jewish Family Weekly, December

16, 2009, p. 86.)

Does this mean that “anger” is normal and acceptable? Is it something

that is just a part of the human condition, whether we like it or not?

Judaism says that anger can be completely transcended, even in the

most extreme circumstances. And indeed, every once in a while, the
act of an individual is so outstanding that it serves as an example of
what we can all achieve. A person should be in control of his character
traits, and not let his character traits control him, as illustrated by the
following story:

In Jerusalem long ago, an incredible incident took place in the office of

a gemach (Jewish free loan fund, acronym of gemilut chasadim, acts of

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kindness). Customarily, the various gemachs in Jerusalem were all
open on Thursdays, to be available to people who needed to borrow
money for food for Shabbat. By Thursday night, all the gemach offices
would be closed, mainly because money that had been available for
the week was already gone.

One gemach, however, remained open on Friday mornings. The

compassionate and sympathetic Reuven kept his gemach open, just in
case someone needed him at the last minute. True, there was not so
much money left by Friday, but he felt that one never knew who might
be in desperate need. One Friday, when all the gemachs were closed
except for Reuven’s, a young married man came in and asked for
money for his family’s Shabbat food. Reuven recognized the man for
he had just been at the gemach the day before, and said, “If I
remember correctly, you were here just yesterday.”

The young man’s face became flushed with anger. “Are you trying to
tell me that I don’t need the money?” he fumed.

“No, we are not saying that at all …” explained Reuven.

“Well, then lend me the money that I need! I already have cosigners
for surety.”

Reuven looked at the young man compassionately and explained that

it was the policy of the gemach not to lend twice within such a short
period. The young man was enraged. Yelling, he stormed toward
Reuven and slapped him across the face! The gentle Reuven stood
there in shock and disbelief. No one had ever had the audacity to
scream at him, let alone slap him. Reuven’s assistant stepped forward
to retaliate, but Reuven held him back.

“Wait a moment,” Reuven said to the young man, “I’ll be back with the
money right away.” He gave the bills to the young man and wished
him well. The young man thanked him and left. Because of the noise
and commotion a few neighbors had gathered in the office to see what
had happened. “If I were in your shoes,” one man shouted, “after such
humiliation I would have demanded that he give back the money you
had lent him yesterday, and pushed him out the door!”

Reuven, whose face still stung from the slap, explained. “I know this
fellow. Under normal circumstances he would never have acted this
way. He must be having such terrible problems that he lost himself
completely. It’s because he did behave in such an unnatural way that I
realized how desperate his position is. Now, more than ever, is the

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time to help him, and not be angry at him. So I went out of my way for
him.” (Rabbi Paysach Krohn, The Maggid Speaks, pp. 86-87)

From a Jewish perspective not only can anger be transcended, but it is

considered foolish to remain an angry person.

Any thinking person will quickly realize how much he stands to lose
from the trait of anger: his self-control, his health, his friends, his
spiritual level, his social standing – in short, everything.

In this section we will see that the negative aspects of anger can be
divided into three categories: (1) personal damage, (2) social damage,
and (3) spiritual damage.

Part A. Personal Damage

1. Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) 7:9 – Anger is the way of the foolish.

Be not hasty in your spirit to be :‫אל תבהל ברוחך לכעוס כי כעס בחיק כסילים ינוח‬
angry, for anger rests in the laps of
fools.

2. Talmud Bavli (Babylonian Talmud), Pesachim 66b – Anger

causes a person to lose his ability to reason and think clearly.
Any man who becomes enraged, if ‫ריש לקיש אמר כל אדם שכועס אם חכם הוא‬
he is wise he loses his wisdom, and ‫חכמתו מסתלקת ממנו אם נביא הוא נבואתו‬
if he is a prophet he loses his .‫מסתלקת ממנו‬
prophecy.

3. Rambam(Maimonides), Hilchot De’ot (Laws of Conduct) 2:3 –

Anger diminishes a person’s overall quality of life.
Those who frequently become ‫ובעלי כעס אין חייהם חיים לפיכך צוו להתרחק מן‬
angry have no quality of life; ‫הכעס עד שינהיג עצמו שלא ירגיש אפילו לדברים‬
therefore, [the Sages] instructed us .‫המכעיסים‬
to distance ourselves from anger to
the farthest degree, until a person
acts as though he does not sense
even those things that would
justifiably anger a person.

4. Orchot Tzaddikim (The Ways of the Righteous), Gate 12 –

Anger causes a person to be stubborn and deny the truth.
Anger causes a person to be ‫ ומחמת הכעס לא ייכנע וגם‬,‫הכעס גורם עזות לאדם‬
stubborn, and because of his anger .‫לא יודה על האמת‬
a person will not make concessions,

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and he will not admit the truth.

As the next source shows, many people seem polite and kind when
calm; the way to find out what they are really like is to observe their
behavior when they become angry. The way a person responds to
anger-inducing situations is a barometer of his overall nature.

5. Talmud Bavli, Eiruvin 65b with Rashi– The true nature of a

person is revealed by how easily he is angered.
You can recognize a person’s true .‫בשלשה דברים אדם ניכר בכוסו ובכיסו ובכעס‬
nature by three things: his drink
[how controlled his mind is when he ‫רש"י‬
drinks – Rashi], his pocket [his .‫ אם דעתו מיושבת עליו ביינו‬- ‫בכוסו‬
integrity in business – Rashi], and ‫ אם באמונה‬,‫ כשנושא ונותן עם בני אדם‬- ‫בכיסו‬
his anger [that he is not extremely .‫הוא עושה‬
demanding, and is not upset by .‫ שאינו קפדן יותר מדאי‬- ‫בכעסו‬
things that anger most other people
– Rashi.]

Conversely, if a person is sensitive to even the slightest trace of anger

within himself and keeps it under control, it indicates his high level of
self-refinement, as in the following story:

Rav Yisrael Salanter, the founder of the Mussar Movement, was

especially aware of anger as an undermining trait. Once, while he was
living in Berlin, a visitor found Rav Yisrael uncharacteristically upset.
The visitor inquired as to the source of his troubles. Rav Yisrael
answered that two Jews from Kovno had just come to visit, and had
reported to him on potentially troublesome changes that were about to
be made in the local Beit Medrash (study hall), where Rav Yisrael used
to study.

“Are the changes that bad?” asked the visitor.

“No,” answered Rav Yisrael, “but nevertheless, I felt some anger when
I was told of them.”

“Did you speak to them in a way that could have contained an element
of insult?”

“No, not at all,” answered Rav Yisrael. “No one but myself knew of it.
But you know just as I do, that when a person gets angry it is as if he
were worshipping idols. About this I am upset.” (Rabbi Avrohom Feuer,
A Letter for the Ages, p. 37.)

Part B. Social Damage

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It is no secret that anger damages our personal relationships. It is
difficult for others to love an angry person. An angry person may also
be very lonely, as the following story illustrates:

In the yeshivah of Novardak, there were no dormitory facilities for the

students. Instead, they were responsible to find their own
accommodations, and most rented rooms nearby from owners who
were happy to have them as tenants. There was one exception.

One building, where more than twenty rooms were occupied by

students, was owned by a bitter woman who was a widow. She
ridiculed and criticized every one of the students who rented from her.
Her anger even led her to sometimes turn off the water and electricity
on Friday afternoons. Soon her harassment became too much to
tolerate, and the students moved out, one by one.

Only one student remained, Yosef Geffen. One morning as he was

coming home from shul, the woman yelled at him, “You must be crazy!
How can you still stay in my building? You see that all the other boys
have moved out – why do you insist on staying?”

Yosef paused for a moment and then said softly to the woman, “I stay
here for your sake. I realize that you live alone and I fear one night you
might fall or become ill and call out for help and there will be no one to
hear your cries. I understand that when you yell at us you are merely
letting out your frustrations and anger about being widowed and
struggling. I therefore felt that it was proper for me to stay, just in case
you might ever need help.”

The woman’s face changed. This was not at all what she had expected
to hear. She was so surprised by the unexpected concern that she
literally pleaded with the student, “Forgive me! Forgive me, young
man! It never dawned on me that was the reason you were staying.
How kind and gracious of you.”

For days afterwards she never said anything but kind words to the
students she met. Slowly word got around that she was no longer as
bitter and angry as she had been, and the students started moving
back into the building until all the rooms were filled. (Rabbi Paysach
Krohn, Around the Maggid’s Table, p. 76.)

Consider how the widow’s anger was the cause of her isolation from all
the students. And note how all the students moved back into the
building when her anger subsided. The following sources illustrate
other ways in which anger can ruin a person’s relationships.

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1. Orchot Tzaddikim, Gate 12 – An angry person cannot control
his actions, and causes disputes and quarrels.
People who are angry, and who ‫ אינם‬,‫ כשהם כועסים ומחזיקים בכעסם‬,‫בני אדם‬
reinforce their rage, are unaware of ‫ ועושים הרבה ענינים‬,‫משימים לבם על מה שעושים‬
what they do, and they do many ‫ כי הכעס‬,‫בכעסם מה שלא היו עושים בלא הכעס‬
things in their anger that they ‫מוציא שכלו של אדם מקרבו עד שמרבה דברי‬
would not do when calm. For anger .‫ ונכנס במחלוקת וקנטורים‬,‫הכעס‬
causes one to think irrationally and
speak out of anger, thus triggering
disputes and quarrels.

Unable to think clearly, a person who is lost in anger loses perspective.

The crooked path appears straight; the forbidden seems permissible.
When no longer guided by reason, insults, quarreling and even
violence come within reach (see Chofetz Chaim, Chovas HaShmirah, p.
24).

2. Ibid. – An angry person is disliked by others and is a burden

on his family.
An angry person does not find favor ,‫הכעסן אין לו חן בעיני הבריות והוא שנוא בעיניהם‬
in the eyes of people, and he is ... .‫ומתוך כך אין מעשיו מקובלים בעיני הבריות‬
hated by them. Because of this, his ‫הכעסן הוא כובד על בני ביתו השומעים תמיד כעסו‬
deeds will not be accepted by .‫ותלונתו‬
people … An angry person is a
burden on his family, who must
constantly hear his anger and his
complaints.

Many people control their anger when they are among strangers.
Consequently, a more accurate criterion for assessing a person’s
propensity to anger is how he reacts to his immediate family. We make
more demands on our family than we do on strangers and hence are
more apt to become angry (Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian, Lev Eliyahu, Vol. I, p.
31).

3. Ibid. – The angry person cannot teach others.

Even if an angry person possesses ‫ אפילו אם יש בידו תורה ומעשים טובים‬... ‫הכעסן‬
Torah and good deeds, people will .‫אין העולם למדים ממנו‬
not learn from him.

4. Based on Talmud Bavli, Gittin 6b with Rashi – An angry

person is likened to a murderer.

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Someone who creates an atmosphere of fear in his household due to
his angry outbursts is likened to a murderer. Rashi explains that
people will flee from his presence with such panic that they will not
look where they are going, and might fall into a pit or off a bridge.

In truth anger is even more dangerous than described in the previous

source. Just think how many lives have been lost at the hands of angry
people in fits of road rage or acts of revenge.

5. Driving Instructor Resigns Over Incident of Road Rage,

www.nytimes, October 16, 1997 – One third of fatal crashes
attributed to road rage.
A driver’s education teacher resigned after he was accused of having a
student driver chase down a motorist who had cut them off and then
punching the man.

The teacher, David C., 36, quit on Wednesday after being suspended
over the incident.

Earlier in the day, the 23-year-old victim, Jon M., and his lawyer said
they hoped Mr. C. would be able to keep his job. Mr. C. has taught
health, physical education, and science at a middle school for 11
years. Mr. M.’s lawyer, said, “Here’s a guy who’s a very good teacher,
and he does something that’s less than wise. We’re very concerned
about the County school system losing a good teacher.”

The police said Mr. C. was with two students on Sept. 19 when another
car cut them off. Mr. C. told the driver to chase the car. When they
caught up to it, Mr. C. got out and punched Mr. M., the police said. Mr.
M. took off, and Mr. C. again told the student to chase him. When Mr.
C’s car was pulled over for speeding, Mr. M. pulled up to tell the officer
what had happened, the police said. The student driving the car was
not charged.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that one-

third of all fatal car crashes, in which 41,907 people died last year,
could be attributed to road rage, which has been identified as
aggressive and even violent behavior by some drivers who become
enraged by the actions of other drivers.

Part C. Undermining Personal and Spiritual Growth

We will now discuss how anger hinders a person’s personal and

spiritual growth, causing one to be prone to a destructive cycle of
anger and unproductive behavior.

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1. Orchot Tzaddikim, Gate 12 – An angry person cannot achieve
any positive spiritual growth.
Anger denies a person all things ‫ כי כשאדם כועס‬,‫הכעס מונע לב האדם מכל הטובות‬
good, [for example]: a person who ‫ הכעס מבטל כוונת‬... .‫אין לו לב לרחם על העניים‬
is angry does not have a .‫ ואין שכינה שורה מתוך הכעס‬,‫לב האדם בתפילה‬
compassionate heart toward the
poor … Anger prevents a person
from having intent when he prays,
and the Divine Presence cannot rest
on someone who is angry … ‫ כי אין‬,‫ הכעסן מונע מעצמו מוסרים ותוכחות‬...
‫ כי‬,‫אדם רשאי לגלות לו טעויותיו ודרכיו המכוערות‬
An angry person cannot learn or ‫ כי הוא ירגז‬,‫כל אדם יפחד ממנו להגיד לו עניניו‬
accept constructive criticism, ‫ לא יקבל‬,‫ ואפילו אם יוכיח אותו שום אדם‬.‫עליו‬
because nobody will be willing to :‫ממנו מתוך הכעס‬
reveal his failings out of fear of his
fury. Even if someone will rebuke ,‫ אין הכעסן מקבל שום מידה טובה‬:‫כללו של דבר‬
him, he will not accept the rebuke, .‫אם לא יסיר מלבו הכעס‬
out of his anger …

In short, a person who habitually

gets angry cannot achieve anything
positive, unless he dispels the
anger from his heart.

2. Rabbi Menacham Twersky, Meor Einayim (Chernobyl),

appendix (likkutim) on Berachot 29b – In spiritual terms, anger
is the all-inclusive transgression.
For every night, at the time when ‫שכל לילה בעת עליית הנשמות כותבת היד כל מה‬
the soul ascends, the Hand writes ‫ והנה אם היה לו לב רגז‬,‫שחטא האדם בזה היום‬
down all the transgressions that a ‫ ואז‬,‫באותו היום אינה כותבת היד אלא חטא רגזנותו‬
person did on that day. However, if ‫ מאחר דדא ביה כולה ביה‬,‫אינה צריכה לכתוב יותר‬
he became angry on that day, only ,"‫ וזה "לא עלתה בידו‬.‫בו זה מביא לכל העבירות‬
that sin is written, and nothing else .'‫רצונו לומר לא עלתה ידו לכתוב אלא וכו‬
needs to be recorded. Everything is
included in anger, because anger
leads to all transgressions.
Therefore, the Talmud states that
“nothing emerges in his hand but
his anger” [Kiddushin 41a] because
this is all that is written down.
(Clearly a person’s positive acts are
also seen; here the focus is on the
importance of improving one’s
shortcomings.)

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Judaism understands that a person is composed of a Yetzer Hatov,
which is the inclination to do good and build oneself as a refined
human being, and a Yetzer Hara, which is the inclination to act
negatively and self-destructively. The goal of life is to choose to act in
accordance with one’s Yetzer Hatov, and minimize the control of the
Yetzer Hara over one’s actions.

If however, a person is so overcome by his Yezter Hara, that he can no

longer think rationally, he is compared to one “who worships idols.”
This is because his Yetzer Hara rules over him. His weakened capacity
to choose anything except for what his Yetzer Hara tells him makes
him like a servant to it. His Yetzer Hara has become a like a god who
rules over him and decides his every action.

3. Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 105b – When a person is overcome

with anger, he is subject to a “foreign god,” which is the Evil
Inclination within him.
A person who tears his clothes in ‫ והמפזר‬,‫ והמשבר כליו בחמתו‬,‫המקרע בגדיו בחמתו‬
anger, or breaks his possessions or ... ‫ יהא בעיניך כעובד עבודה זרה‬,‫מעותיו בחמתו‬
scatters his money in rage, is
considered as though he worships
idols … ‫מאי קראה? "לא יהיה בך אל זר ולא תשתחוה לאל‬
‫ איזהו אל זר שיש בגופו של אדם? הוי אומר‬."‫נכר‬
What is the verse that alludes to .‫זה יצר הרע‬
this? “There shall not be a foreign
god among [literally, inside] you,
nor shall you bow down before an
alien god” [Tehillim/Psalms 81:10].
What is the “alien god” that is
present inside man? This is the
Yetzer Hara [the self-destructive,
Evil Inclination. When a person is
angry, he is a servant of the Evil
Inclination within him.]

4. Mishlei (Proverbs) 29:22; Rabbeinu Yonah ibid. – Not only is

anger itself negative, but it leads to all sorts of negative
behavior without limit.
“A man of anger will incite strife, .‫שע‬
ַׁ ‫ש ַאף ְיָגֶרה ָמדֹון ּוַבַעל ֵחָמה ַרב ָּפ‬
ׁ ‫ִאי‬
and a man of fury is full of offense.”

Rabbeinu Yonah: ‫רבינו יונה‬

Anger is a great evil for most ‫ענין הכעס ברוב הפעמים וברוב בני אדם הוא רעה‬
people and on most occasions. The ‫ כמו שנאמר איש אף יגרה מדון ובעל חמה רב‬,‫רבה‬
Sages stated that someone who is ‫ ע"ב( כל‬,‫ ואמרו רז"ל )זוהר בראשית כז‬.‫פשע‬
angry is considered as if he serves ‫ כי היצר אומר לו‬.‫הכועס כאילו עובד עבודה זרה‬

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idolatry, for today the Evil .‫היום עשה כך ולמחר אומר לו לך עבוד ע"ז‬
Inclination tells him to do such-and-
such wrongdoing, and tomorrow it
will tell him to serve idolatry. ‫ כי‬,‫ועוד אמרו כל הכועס כל מיני עבירות תלויין בו‬
‫ ואין תכלית‬,‫מתוך הכעס בא לעשות כל העבירות‬
The Sages also stated that anyone .‫לרעת המדה ההיא‬
who gets angry becomes involved
with all types of wrongdoing and
transgression, for anger leads to all
transgressions and there is no limit
to the evil of this trait.

5. Rabbi Yosef Giktilia, Sefer HaMashalim, # 76 – Anger leaves

a person vulnerable to the enticement of the Evil Inclination.
To what is anger comparable? To an :‫ לפרצה לפני הגנב‬- ‫למה הכעס דומה לפני יצר הרע‬
unlocked doorway before a thief. ‫ בעוד שאור החכמה מאיר בגוף הרי הגוף‬,‫פירוש‬
The explanation of this [parable] is ‫דומה אצל יצר הרע לבית שכתליו בריאים ומנעוליו‬
that while the light of wisdom ‫ ואם נפרץ כותל‬,‫חזקים שאין לגנב דרך להכנס לבית‬
shines within a person, he ‫ כן‬,‫אחד שבבית הרי מצא הגנב פירצה ליכנס לבית‬
resembles a strong house with iron ‫בהיות האדם מיושב בדעתו ואינו מתקומם לכל דבר‬
bolts, into which the thief – the Evil ,‫לכעוס אין דרך ומקום ליצר הרע למשול בו‬
Inclination – cannot break in. But if
one of the walls of the house is
breached, the thief is able to enter.
So, too, when a person is calm and
composed, and is not prone to
outbursts of anger for every ‫ואם הוא כועס הרי מצא יצר הרע פרצה להכנס‬
occurrence, there is no opening for ‫ שהרי הכעס הוא סיבת‬,‫לפתותו לעשות עבירות‬
the Evil Inclination to rule over him. .‫המריבות והמכות והרציחות ויציאה מן הדת‬

However, if he is angry, the Evil

Inclination finds a point of entry and
entices him to do other
transgressions. For anger is the
cause of all quarrels, fights, and
murders, and the abandonment of
faith.

This section can be summarized by the following source:

6. Talmud Bavli, Kiddushin 40b-41a – A person gets nowhere by

getting angry, and is left with the destructive consequences of
his anger.
Bar Kafrah said, “There is nothing .‫ לא עלתה בידו אלא רגזנותא‬- ‫ רגזן‬:‫דרש בר קפרא‬
left for the angry person except
his anger.”

11
Key Themes of Section I.

• There is no part of a person’s life that is not adversely

affected by anger.

• Regarding the person himself, he loses his intellectual

and spiritual levels, relegating himself to a “life that is
not a life” in which personal achievements are sadly
elusive.

• Socially, the ills of anger are self-evident, causing a

person to be disliked and shunned.

• Spiritually, anger leaves a person vulnerable to all forms

of transgression, and deprives him of growth and
fulfillment.

• From a Torah perspective, the failing of anger goes far

deeper than a character quirk that we can learn to live
with. When a person loses control in fury, the Sages tell
us that there is “somebody else” in control. By
transferring the reigns of power from his conscious self to
his Yetzer Hara, a person detaches his actions from God,
and even from the “image of God” in which man was
created.

Section II. The Benefits of Patience

In stark contrast to the destructive nature of anger, patience is calming

and constructive. By maintaining calm at all times, a person is able to
avoid thoughtless reactions, and can act constructively under all
circumstances. It is therefore not surprising that several great Sages
were famed for their remarkable patience.

1. Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 30b-31a – Hillel was the leader of the

generation, and could not be angered even by someone who
set out purposefully to anger him with inane questions on a
busy Erev Shabbat.
It once happened that two men ‫מעשה בשני בני אדם שהמרו זה את זה אמרו כל מי‬
were talking with each other and ‫שילך ויקניט את הלל יטול ארבע מאות זוז אמר אחד‬
made a deal, “Whoever goes and .‫מהם אני אקניטנו‬
angers Hillel shall receive four
hundred zuz.” One of them said, “I
will go and anger him today.”

12
 ‫אותו היום ערב שבת היה והלל חפף את ראשו הלך‬
It was Erev Shabbat, and Hillel was ?‫ועבר על פתח ביתו אמר מי כאן הלל מי כאן הלל‬
washing his hair. The man went
past the door of Hillel’s house, and
called out, “Who here is Hillel, who
here is Hillel?” ?‫ אמר לו בני מה אתה מבקש‬.‫נתעטף ויצא לקראתו‬

Hillel wrapped himself up and went .‫אמר לו שאלה יש לי לשאול‬

out to him, saying, “My son, what
do you want?” .‫אמר לו שאל בני שאל‬

“I have a question to ask,” he said. ?‫מפני מה ראשיהן של בבליים סגלגלות‬

“Ask, my son.”
‫אמר לו בני שאלה גדולה שאלת מפני שאין להם‬
Thereupon he asked, “Why are the ... ‫חיות פקחות‬
heads of the Babylonians so
round?”

“My son, you have asked an

important question,” he replied.
“Because they do not have skillful
midwives.” ‫אמר לו שאלות הרבה יש לי לשאול ומתירא אני‬
.‫שמא תכעוס‬
[The man came back twice with
similar inane questions, and each ‫נתעטף וישב לפניו אמר לו כל שאלות שיש לך‬
time Hillel answered patiently. .‫לשאול שאל‬
Finally, the man said:]
?‫אמר לו אתה הוא הלל שקורין אותך נשיא ישראל‬
“I have many questions to ask, but
fear that you may get angry.” .‫אמר לו הן‬

Hillel tightened his robe, sat before .‫אמר לו אם אתה הוא לא ירבו כמותך בישראל‬
him, and said, “Ask all the
questions you have to ask.”
?‫אמר לו בני מפני מה אמר לו‬
“Are you the Hillel who is called the
Leader of Israel?” .‫מפני שאבדתי על ידך ארבע מאות זוז‬

“Yes,” Hillel replied.

“If that is you,” he retorted, “may

there not be many like you in
Israel.”

He said, “Why is that, my son?”

13
“Because I have lost four hundred
zuz through you!”

The point of this story is to inspire us to attain Hillel’s level of patience

and humility. From Hillel’s example, we learn that a person should be
ready to calmly answer questions under the most trying conditions.
Regardless of how annoying the questioner is, be polite to him and
speak with a pleasant and affectionate tone (Orach Mishorim 7:15).
The next source shows how patience and calm can be the cause of
bringing people closer to God and spirituality.

2. Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 31a – The gentleness and patience of

Hillel brought people closer to God.
It happened that a certain non-Jew ‫מעשה בנכרי אחד שבא לפני שמאי אמר לו גיירני‬
came before Shammai and said to ‫על מנת שתלמדני כל התורה כולה כשאני עומד על‬
him, “Convert me on condition that .‫ דחפו באמת הבנין שבידו‬.‫רגל אחת‬
you teach me the whole Torah while
I stand on one foot.” [Shammai]
pushed him away with the builder’s
measuring stick.
‫ אמר לו דעלך סני לחברך לא‬.‫בא לפני הלל גייריה‬
He went to Hillel, who converted ‫תעביד זו היא כל התורה כולה ואידך פירושה הוא‬
him. Hillel said to him, “What is :‫זיל גמור‬
hateful to you, do not do to your
neighbor: that is the whole Torah,
while the rest is the commentary;
go and learn it” … ‫ אמרו קפדנותו‬.‫לימים נזדווגו שלשתן למקום אחד‬...
‫של שמאי בקשה לטורדנו מן העולם ענוותנותו של‬
Some time later three converts met .‫הלל קרבנו תחת כנפי השכינה‬
up. They said, “Shammai’s
strictness sought to banish us from
the world, but Hillel’s gentleness
brought us under the wings of the
Divine Presence.”

3. Rabbi Simchah Zissel of Kelm, Chochmah u’Mussar Vol. I, p.

433 – Patience is the root of all virtue.
It would be ideal if we could ‫ כי זה שורש כל‬,‫מי יתן ונתרגל במידת הסבל‬
become accustomed to the .‫המידות והמנוחה והשורש כל המעלות‬
attribute of patience, for patience is
the source of all good character
traits and inner calm, and is the
root of all virtue.

14
4. Talmud Bavli, Yoma 23a, Chidushei Ritvah ibid. – The virtue
of those who do not respond to insult and remain calm.
Those who suffer insult but do not ‫הנעלבין ואינן עולבין שומעין חרפתן ואינן‬
return the insult, who hear their ‫ עליהן הכתוב אומר "ְוֹאֲהָביו ְּכֵצאת‬... ‫משיבין‬
disgrace but do not reply … ."‫ש ִּבְגֻבָרתֹו‬
ׁ ‫שֶמ‬
ֶּׁ ‫ַה‬
regarding them the verse states:
“Those who love Him will be like the
powerfully rising sun”
[Shoftim/Judges 5:31]. :‫חידושי הריטב"א‬
,"‫שִּכִלים ַיְזִהרּו ְּכֹזַהר ָהָרִקיַע‬
ְׂ ‫ זה כמו שנאמר "ְוַהַּמ‬...
Chidushei Ritvah: ‫ומפני שזו ענוה וחסידות גדולה שהיא למעלה מן‬
[Regarding the verse from Shoftim] ‫ דהיינו "כצאת‬,‫ דימה שכרם לגדול שבכולם‬,‫הכל‬
it can be explained by the verse, ‫השמש בגבורתו" שתרגם אותו יונתן שהוא מה‬
“The wise will shine like the .‫שאמר הכתוב ואור החמה יהיה שבעתים‬
radiance of the heavens” [Daniel
21:3]: the person who wisely does
not respond with anger when
insulted shows great humility, and
extraordinary inner strength. This
person is above everything around
him [and unaffected, just like the
sun is above everything on earth].
Therefore, such a person’s reward
is compared to the greatest and
highest object we know, which is
the “powerfully rising sun.”

As the next source shows, not only is being calm praiseworthy, but
one’s words are more effective when said in a calm manner.

5. Kohelet 9:17 – The words of the wise, quietly spoken, are

accepted.
The words of the wise spoken in a :‫דברי חכמים בנחת נשמעים מזעקת מושל בכסילים‬
gentle manner are more readily
accepted than the shout of a ruler
among fools.

The wise man remains in control under all circumstances. He listens

courteously and quietly when others address him. He thinks before he
speaks, allowing himself a few moments of thought before he offers his
calm response (Rabbi Avrohom Feuer, A Letter for the Ages, p. 29). The
next story is an example of this:

The son of a Rabbi came to Rabbi Chaim Ozer Grodzenski, the Rabbi of
Vilna, and tried to persuade him to influence a certain community to
accept his father as their rabbi. Rav Chaim Ozer did not consider the

15
person worthy for such a prominent position and politely refused. The
son began to speak harshly and insolently, and kept insisting that Rav
Chaim Ozer comply with his request, but he remained silent and did
not reply. When the person’s words were becoming too extreme, Rav
Chaim Ozer and another scholar who was visiting him walked out of
the room. The other scholar commented, “Rebbe, there is a limit to
patience and tolerance. Why didn’t you say something to this rude
young man?”

Rav Chaim Ozer calmly replied, “He is trying to help his father. While
my sense of responsibility for that community does not allow me to
agree to his request, I still have no right to complain about this person
and his words. After all, he was motivated by a desire to help his
father” (Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, Gateway to Happiness, p. 206).

Key Themes of Section II:

• The Sages emphasize the virtue of patience. Apart from

being a great value in and of itself, patience is a vital
stepping-stone for moving forward in all areas of
personal growth and achievement. It is therefore natural
to find that Sages of the Talmud were famed for their
exceptional patience.

Section III. Tools for Controlling Anger

In this final section we will discuss various strategies to help control

and combat anger.

Sections I and II dealt with the negative aspects of anger and the
positive aspects of patience. Studying and integrating this information
is itself a strategy for overcoming anger (Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz,
Sichot Mussar, 5733, #23).

In this section we will focus on two other types of strategies: (1)

forming positive habits, and (2) changing the way we think.

Part A. Forming Positive Habits

By getting used to speaking gently, and by training ourselves in

patience, we will find that we get angry far less than we used to.

1. Ramban (Nachmanides), Iggeret HaRamban (Letter of the

Ramban)– Speaking gently and calmly is a habit that should be
practiced because it helps prevent a person from becoming
angry.

16
Accustom yourself to speak gently ‫תתנהג תמיד לדבר כל דבריך בנחת לכל אדם ובכל‬
to all people at all times. This will ‫עת ובזה תינצל מן הכעס שהיא מידה רעה להחטיא‬
protect you from anger – a most .‫בני אדם‬
serious character flaw which causes
one to sin.
2. Rambam, Hilchot De’ot 2:3 –Although concerning most
character traits one should take the “middle path” of
moderation, concerning anger one should take the “extreme
path” and avoid it altogether.
There are certain character traits ‫ויש דעות שאסור לו לאדם לנהוג בהן בבינונית אלא‬
that one must distance oneself from ...‫יתרחק מן הקצה האחד עד הקצה האחר‬
in the extreme. In fact, it is
forbidden to take [the standard
approach of] the “middle path”
regarding these character traits …
‫ וראוי לאדם‬,‫הכעס מדה רעה היא עד למאד‬
Anger is an extremely negative ‫ וילמד עצמו שלא‬,‫שיתרחק ממנה עד הקצה האחר‬
character trait, and it is fitting for a .‫יכעוס ואפילו על דבר שראוי לכעוס עליו‬
person to distance himself from it to
the opposite extreme. One should
train oneself never to become
angry, even regarding things for
which anger might be justified.

Although the Rambam generally teaches that a person should balance

his character traits – be strong yet flexible, compassionate yet firm –
the one exception is anger. Regarding anger there is no middle way,
and one must avoid it altogether. Since this may seem like an
unattainable goal a person should begin by training himself for short
periods.

3. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, Alei Shur, Vol. II, p. 215 – Set aside
approximately fifteen minutes a day when you practice
responding to everything with patience and without becoming
angry.
We will train ourselves to be ‫ נקבע לעצמנו זמן‬:‫ להיות סבלנים‬,‫ איפוא‬,‫נתלמד‬
patient: we will fix a specific ‫ ובו נשתדל לשאת‬,‫ כרבע שעה‬,‫מסוים כל יום‬
amount of time every day – for ‫ אע"פ שאינו‬,‫ולסבול כל מה שאנו רואים ושומעים‬
example, approximately fifteen ‫ מבלי לאבד‬,‫כלל לפי רוחנו ואפילו אם הוא פוגע בנו‬
minutes – in which we will strive to ‫ ובמקרה שיש צורך או חיוב‬,‫מנוחת נפשנו כלל‬
bear with patience all that we see ‫להגיב – נגיב בדברים שקולים ומדודים בלי שום‬
and hear, even when things may be .‫התרגשות‬
upsetting to us, and even if they are
hurtful to us, without losing our
composure at all. In cases where it
is necessary or obligatory to react,

17
we will do so with measured, calm
words, without becoming overly
emotional.

Based on the two previous sources, a person should set aside

approximately fifteen minutes to go to the “opposite extreme” from
anger and practice being patient.

The next source describes how a person develops “inner-muscles”

when he learns to be patient.

4. Rabbi Reuven Leuchter, personal correspondence – Anger is

caused by a situation that does not conform to my own desires
and wants. Learning to be patient is strengthening the ability
to bear the burden of these unfulfilled desires.
How can a person successfully work toward uprooting anger? One
needs to recognize the root cause of anger and how to manage it.

A person’s wants and desires, or ratzon (‫רצון‬, will) are at the core of
who a person is and is his greatest drive. The reason why anger is so
difficult to control is that one is angered by a situation which goes
directly against one’s ratzon or desires. The anger is triggered because
the situation is going against “Me.”

The opposite of anger is patience. The Hebrew word for patience is

savlanut (‫ )סבלנות‬which means to “bear” something. Patience is bearing
the burden of one’s own ratzon or desires. The goal of dealing with
anger is being able to bear the burden of something that goes against
your will.

Developing positive habits requires a great deal of discipline. As a

source of encouragement, one should remember that not every
tzaddik (an upright individual in both character and action) was born a
naturally calm person. The Chofetz Chaim (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan,
1838-1933, Radin), for example, worked constantly to improve his
character.

A disciple once hid under a bench in shul, hoping to observe the

Chofetz Chaim’s conduct at night. When midnight approached, the
elderly tzaddik appeared, opened the ark at the front of the shul, and
prayed that God help him overcome his feelings of anger (Rabbi
Avrohom Feuer, A Letter for the Ages, p. 31).

The world renowned Rosh Yeshivah, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (1895

-1986, New York), was known for his pleasant demeanor; and even in
the most provocative of situations he would avoid an angry response.

18
When a yeshivah student asked Rabbi Moshe Feinstein regarding his
serenity, he made it clear that it wasn’t natural to him, nor did it come
quickly. “It is years that I have worked on perfecting this trait,” he said
(ibid.).

There are many other practical techniques for developing a positive

habit. For example, set aside a sum of money that you will give away if
you allow yourself to become angry (Reishit Chochmah, Sha’ar
Ha’Anavah, Ch. 3). If someone is making you angry, try to avoid
looking him in the eye while your anger is intense, for in this way you
will more easily be able to control your temper (ibid., Ch. 5). If you ever
find yourself angered by a situation, wait overnight to respond (Sefer
Chasidim, 655).

Part B. Putting Things in Perspective

Often, we become angry because our ego inflates an event far beyond
its true proportions. Part of working on anger is diminishing the
severity of the event by placing things in the right perspective and
asking, “Is this really a reason to be angry?”

1. Rebbetzin Feige Twerski, Anger Management (aish.com) –

We can choose to think about events before responding to
them, and often what seems to be personal is rarely about us.
All of our behaviors and expressions of emotions are preceded by
thought. Our take on any given situation we confront begins with the
way we perceive it. There is no objective reality at play. Witness the
fact that one day a given situation undoes us, and the very same set of
circumstances doesn’t phase us at another time. We are the
interpreters. We are the thinkers.

Awareness of this fact should allow us to step back when we have one
of the negative thoughts attacking that sparks anger and ask ourselves
if this is the bus we want to take. We have the wherewithal, if we so
choose, to drop the contaminating thought and move on, thereby
making room for the clear thinking of our innate wisdom, the better
part of ourselves.

A second component of this approach is that generally speaking, when

we feel affronted or take offense, it is about “me.” I feel targeted,
hence my ego is bruised, and the anger is a defense of my ego. In
reality, the affront that seems to be personal is rarely about us. The
inappropriate behavior of the other which triggers our hurt and
subsequent anger generally comes from a place of insecurity in the
person who is provoking us. If we are able to recognize this truth, we

19
will find a port in the storm.

When we place things in perspective, we see that our anger will do far
more damage to us than the loss we suffered in the first place, as the
following analogy illustrates:

If one lost a beautiful flower, it would be madness for him to react by

breaking a precious object worth thousands of times more than the
small flower. Similarly, the person who loses his temper shatters his
peace of mind – a commodity far more precious than the relatively
trivial loss which triggered his anger (Sefer Chareidim, Teshuvah, Ch.
4).

Part C. Developing Humility

The Torah masters of character development (baalei mussar) teach

that an angry person often suffers from a lack of humility. By working
on humility, and diminishing one’s arrogance, one is less prone to
anger. The following source elaborates:

1. Shelah HaKadosh, Letter Reish, # 19 – Removing arrogance

and being humble are prerequisites for removing anger.
“Words of the wise, spoken gently, ‫ מי‬.(‫ יז‬,‫דברי חכמים בנחת נשמעים )קהלת ט‬
are accepted” (Kohelet 9:17). ‫ והכוונה‬.‫ אזי אינו בא לידי כעס לעולם‬,‫שמדתו כך‬
Somebody who has acquired this ‫ כי מי‬.‫ בנחת רוח ולא ברמות רוח‬,‫בנחת נשמעים‬
trait will never come to anger. The ‫ כי‬,‫שאוחז במדת הענוה ממילא אינו כועס לעולם‬
meaning of “spoken gently” is that .‫הוא סובל ומעלים עין מסוררים‬
they are not spoken with arrogance.
For a person who clings to the
attribute of humility will never come
to anger, for he is patient, and
ignores those who deride him.

It should be noted that the above approach to developing humility is a

subject of study unto itself. It is true that anger and humility are inter-
related, but in practice, it is too difficult to work on both at the same
time. Therefore, each should be tackled as an independent project in
self-improvement.

Part D. Developing Trust in God

Finally, a fundamental principle of Judaism is that God is guiding us at

all times to help us reach our potential. Everything that happens to us
is a challenge and an exercise to bring out this potential. This is known
as Divine Providence (hashgachah pratit, see the Morasha class on this

20
subject). As the next sources illustrate, when this knowledge is
integrated into our emotions then there is no longer reason to feel
anger.

1. Rabbi Avigdor Nebenzhal, Sichot LeSefer Bereishit

(Genesis), Bereishit 50:20, pp. 287-288 – Knowing that
everything is from God and is ultimately for the good means
that there is no need for anger, bearing a grudge or revenge.
Yosef (Joseph) teaches us a great ‫וכאן מלמד יוסף יסוד גדול על האופן בו ניתן לקיים‬
principle of how we can fulfill the ‫ כי‬,(‫את הציווי הקשה של "לא תיטור" )ויק' יט יח‬
difficult instruction of “Do not bear ‫ אבל‬,‫לא לנקום אפשר עדיין להתאפק ולעמוד בזה‬
a grudge” (Vayikra/Leviticus 19:18). ‫איך אפשר שלא להרגיש טינה בלב כנגד מי שהרע‬
We might be able to restrain ?‫לי כל כך‬
ourselves from taking revenge, but
how is it possible not to even bear a
grudge against somebody who does
us evil? ,‫אלא שאם מבינים שהוא בעצם לא עשה מאומה‬
‫ אם אתם לא‬.‫הרי פשוט שאין מקום ליטור לו טינה‬
Yet, if we understand that the ,‫ אומר יוסף‬,‫הייתם למצרים גורמים שארד מצרימה‬
person did not do anything, there is .(‫היה ה' שולח מישהו אחר שיעשה זאת )עי' תענ' יח‬
no longer room to bear a grudge. “If
you would not have sold me to ‫ הרי‬,‫וכשמאמינים שרק ה' הוא הפועל והעושה‬
Egypt,” Yosef says, “God would .‫מצטרפת סיבה נוספת לכך שאין צריך ליטור‬
have sent somebody else to do it” '‫ מרגיע יוסף את אחיו )ברא‬,"‫"אלקים חשבה לטובה‬
(see Ta’anit 18). '‫ והרי "כל דעביד רחמנא לטס עביד" )ברכ‬,(‫נ כ‬
?‫ ואם כן על מה יש בכלל לנקום או ליטור‬,(:‫ס‬
An additional reason for not bearing
a grudge is to realize that only God
makes things happen. “God thought ‫יוסף עוד חש רגשי הכרת טובה כלפי אחיו על‬
it for the good,” Yosef calms his ‫ אמנם במכירת‬.‫שבזכותם נעשה אדון לכל מצרים‬
brothers (Bereishit 50:20). ‫יוסף יודעים כולם שהמכירה הובילה "להחיות עם‬
Moreover, “Everything that God ,(‫רב" )ברא' שם‬
does is for the good” (Berachot
60b). If so, there is no room left to
bear a grudge. ‫ אם פגע‬.‫אך האמת היא שכך הוא בכל אדם ומאורע‬
,'‫בך מישהו ח"ו דע לך שראשית הכל הוא מאת ה‬
Yosef even felt gratitude toward his ,‫ושנית ודאי הוא שתצמח טובה מכך בסופו של דבר‬
brothers, for in their merit he ‫שהרי גם אצל יוסף חלפו עשרים ושתיים שנה עד‬
became ruler over Egypt. ."‫שנתברר לכל ש"אלקים חשבה לטובה‬
Furthermore, concerning his sale, it
was apparent that this led to
“sustaining a great nation”
(Bereishit 50:20).

However, the truth is that the same

is true of every person and every

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case. If somebody harms you,
Heaven forbid, know first of all that
it is from God, and second of all
that ultimately, good will come of it.
Even in the case of Yosef, it took a
full twenty-two years until it
became clear that “God meant it for
the good.”
2. Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, Tanya, Iggeret HaKodesh, #
25 – Someone who angers us is just a messenger of God with
no independent power. Being angry with the person is like
being angry with the messenger for bringing the message.
“Anyone who gets angry is ‫ והטעם מובן‬.'‫כל הכועס כאילו עובד עכו"ם וכו‬
considered as if he serves idolatry” ‫ליודעי בינה לפי שבעת כעסו נסתלקה ממנו האמונה‬
[Shabbat 105b]. The reason for this ‫כי אילו היה מאמין שמאת ה' היתה זאת לו לא היה‬
is that when a person is enraged his ‫בכעס כלל ואף שכן אדם שהוא בעל בחירה מקללו‬
emunah (faith) departs from him, ‫או מכהו או מזיק ממונו ומתחייב בדיני אדם ובדיני‬
for if he would believe that ‫שמים לרוע בחירתו אעפי"כ על הניזק כבר נגזר מן‬
everything comes to him from God, .‫השמים והרבה שלוחים למקום‬
he would not be angered at all.
Even though the person who hit or
cursed him did so out of free will,
and he is liable under the law of
both the human and Divine courts,
nonetheless concerning the ‫ולא עוד אלא אפילו בשעה זו ממש שמכהו או‬
damaged party it has already been ‫מקללו מתלבש בו כח ה' ורוח פיו ית' המחייהו‬
decreed from Heaven, and God has ...‫ומקיימו‬
many messengers.

Furthermore, even at the very

moment that the person curses or
strikes, he receives his strength
from God, Who constantly gives him
life and existence …

The following short story illustrates that an attitude of “this too is from
God” (Berachot 60b) prevents one from becoming angry.

The Chozeh of Lublin (Rabbi Yaakov Yitzchak) once wanted to get up

early in the morning to take care of an important matter. The day
before, he asked his wife to prepare the evening meal earlier than
usual.

But it turned out that the meal was prepared much later than usual. He
commented, “It would be natural for me to become angry now. But the
only reason I wanted to have the meal early was to do the will of my

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Creator. This too is the will of my Creator that I should not become
angry.” (Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, Gateway to Happiness, p. 186).

Key Themes of Section III:

• Working on anger is a lifetime’s labor, and we cannot

expect to conquer it overnight. We are able to develop
the positive habits of speaking gently and acting with
patience, which over time will become our inner nature.

• The Sages instruct us to distance ourselves from anger to

the farthest possible extreme. We should begin by
practicing this for approximately fifteen minutes a day.
During this time we should exert ourselves to be patient,
which means learning how to handle events that go
against our desires.

• By putting disappointing events in perspective, we can

combat the inner drive for anger.

• If we internalize (1) the fact that all things are directed

from God, (2) that incidents involving our ego are not as
significant as we make them out to be, and (3) that
humility is the correct approach to all situations, we will
find ourselves becoming angry far less often.

ADDITIONAL RECOMMENDED READING & SOURCES

Section I. What We Stand to Lose

Talmud Bavli, Nedarim 22a
Zohar, 3:179a

Section II. The Benefits of Patience

Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) 5:10
Rabbi Yehudah HaChassid, Sefer Chasidim, # 145

Additional Sources
Rabbi Avraham Yellin, Sefer Erech Apayim (Jerusalem 1963)
Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, Anger – The Inner Teacher (ArtScroll, 2003)

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