Laura Belgray - 60-Minute Makeovers Copywriting Mini-Course

www.getwsodo.
com
www.getwsodo.com
talking shrimp’s
60-MINUTE
MAKEOVERS
COPYWRITING
MINI COURSE
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
1 hour before & afters.

That’s right. 1 hour.
What you’re about to look at are

60-Minute COPY Makeovers.
Changes I helped clients make to their web copy in the time it takes to re-watch
an episode of Breaking Bad. (I say “re-watch” because if you haven’t watched
it already, what is WRONG with you?)
That’s great news for you.
2
TA L K I N G S H R I M P ’ S 6 0 M I N U T E M A K E O V E R
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
Why?
Because you can make these same

tweaks to your own copy and take it
from MEH to MONEY.
From BUH-BYE to MUST-BUY.
Even if you’ve been putting it off for

months, you could get it done today.
I’ll suggest my best resources at the
end of this presentation.
Now, let’s get cracking!
RECOMMENDED SETTING: 2-PAGE VIEWING, SO YOU CAN SEE THE IMAGES AND THE EXPLANATIONS SIDE BY
SIDE. TO DO THIS, SELECT TWO PAGE VIEW: VIEW > PAGE DISPLAY > TWO PAGE SCROLLING.
IMAGES TOO SMALL TO READ OR YOU NEED GLASSES BUT STILL REFUSE TO GET THEM?
(I DON’T KNOW ANYONE LIKE THAT.) ENLARGE THIS PUPPY BY CLICKING COMMAND+,
OR YOU CAN GO TO THE TOP MENU AND CLICK VIEW > ZOOM > FIT VISIBLE.
TA L K I N G S H R I M P. CO M 3
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
01 | BEFORE
3 COW MARKETING / HOMEPAGE
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PROBLEMS
VA G U E TA G L I N E .
“Starts with you” - what’s that mean? You wouldn’t know it at a glance (and neither would
the customer), but this website is for farmers who need help with marketing. And they’re
run ragged, doing everything themselves as it is. Everything starts with them. So the
tagline isn’t just vague, it’s overwhelming.
H E A D L I N E H A S TO O M A N Y WO R D S ( A N D O N E I N T I M I DAT I N G WO R D) .
That first line in red, “Learn how to find customers” has a lot of “ands.” It feels run-on.
Plus, one word could be more inviting. You’ll see which one in our fixes.
THE COPY IS ABOUT PROCESS -- NOT BENEFITS.
3 Cow Marketing’s typical client hears the word “marketing” and basically covers her ears,
going “La la la la. I don’t hear you.” This is a farmer who’s not out looking for marketing.
She’s out looking for more customers who can’t live without her beef, her eggs, or her
zucchini. At the moment she lands on this page, it’s premature to tell her she’s about to
dive into marketing techniques.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
01 | AFTER
3 COW MARKETING / HOMEPAGE
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FIXES
B E N E F I T S - D R I V E N TA G L I N E .
“Where your farm flourishes -- from products to profits.” Now we know who and what
this place is for. And there’s the promise of an outcome.
T R I M M E D - D OW N H E A D L I N E , P LU S A 1 -WO R D S WA P.
We tidied up that red headline, taking out some unnecessary “ands” and other words.
Plus, did you catch the word we swapped? Instead of “find” it now says “attract.”
Farmers are already out at farmer’s markets and grocery stores trying to find customers.
That’s exactly what they want to do less of. “Attract” sounds so much more appealing.
GET INTO THE IDEAL CLIENT’S HEAD.
The #1 key to great copy is understanding what goes on in your ideal clients’ heads.
What are they thinking when they can’t sleep at 3am? What do they wish for when they
blow out their birthday candles? In this case, surely it’s not, “I wish I could pair my
expertise with strategic marketing.”
More likely, it’s: “I wish my farm made more money and didn’t suck all the life out of me.”
The body copy now uses a persuasive hook: UNDERSTANDING of what the ideal client
wants to get, and what she wants to get away from.
Instead of trying to convince the visitor that they’re going to like marketing, it identifies
their current situation (the pain of being stuck), the picture of life on the other side
(working less, making more), and the exact thing that’ll bridge the two worlds
(customers).
That’s the kind of copy that gets a new visitor nodding and saying, “Yes! That’s what I
want my life to be like. Help me, I’ll do whatever you say.”
SMARTER 3RD BUTTON.
Notice in the “before,” the 3rd button on the bottom clicks to the BLOG. Charlotte, the
client, said that farmers are always asking how they can get on her list. And that’s what
any marketer wants, so we made it extra easy: GET ON THE LIST. If they want the blog,
they’ll find it.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Knowing and speaking to your exact ideal

client is crucial.
What can you change about your copy to call out to the person you serve?
Can you work in more of their desired benefits? Start with this: what results /
benefits / outcomes do you provide?
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www.getwsodo.com
nothing to see here!
Move along to the next page, and let’s

pretend this blank one never happened.
NEXT UP: Putting more positive psychology into a

psychologist’s couples counseling page.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
02 | BEFORE
Blake Psychology / Couples Counseling Services
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PROBLEMS
TO O N E G AT I V E , N OT E N O U G H P RO M I S E .
Imagine your relationship is in the crapper. You know therapy could help, but you’d have
to convince your partner. (And you’re not so sure yourself. After all, things aren’t that bad.
It’s normal to have problems, right?)
And then you come across this page that asks you if your relationship is on the rocks.
You feel defensive. We don’t have a problem. That’s not us. I don’t want to go to therapy
if it means we’re one of “those” couples. No, thanks.
REPETITION OF “DO YOU.”
Look at all those bullet points starting with “Do you.”

The start of a line or sentence or paragraph is prime real estate. You don’t want to waste
it with the same words over and over. Makes our eyes glaze over.
C A L L I N G I T “ T R E AT M E N T. ”
Again, let’s remember the person who’s looking at this is already wary of therapy, or how
they’re going to present it to their partner. “Treatment” sounds so clinical and scary.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
02 | AFTER
Blake Psychology / Couples Counseling Services
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FIXES
S TA RT W I T H A B O L D H E A D L I N E .
One that’s positive and wistful, instead of dire.
G E T T H E I N T E R E S T E D , LOV E -T R O U B L E D P E R S O N E X C I T E D.
Tantalize the with how things could be again. When the relationship is down the tubes,
we think about how great it used to be and wonder, why can’t we feel that way again?
GROUP ALL THOSE BULLETS UNDER ONE “DO YOU.”
Now they can all start with more interesting, eye-catching verbs. Instead of those
eye-glazing beginnings. (This is a signature Copy Cure technique.)
T H I S V E R S I O N S TA RT S W I T H A M O R E H O P E F U L P I C T U R E ,
It also lays out both the pain and the “after” picture in more concrete details (like the
cereal bowl and the “you guys, get a room” phase, respectively). That’s the kind of copy
that gets a new visitor nodding and saying, “Yes! That’s what I want my life to be like.
Help me, I’ll do whatever you say.”
R E P L A C E “ T R E AT M E N T ” W I T H S O M E T H I N G M O R E PA L ATA B L E .
“Time to get reconnected” not only sounds more enticing, it’s also a BENEFIT -- an end
result -- where “treatment” is a process. No one is buying treatment. They’re buying
what treatment gets them: in this case, a better relationship.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Details make everything more compelling.

What original details can you sprinkle into your copy to breathe some life into it?
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Blank page?
What blank page?
If this page were blank, it wouldn’t have
these words on it, now -- WOULD IT?
NEXT UP: We took the hot air out of an Airbnb

specialist’s homepage.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
03 | BEFORE
Evelyn Badia / Homepage
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PROBLEMS
W H AT I S I T ? ? ?
This is a site for new Airbnb hosts who want to learn the ins and outs of making a
living from renting out their pads. We need to know that at a glance. Did we? No way.
At a glance, we only knew we were welcome. Polite, but not clear.
DOESN’T GET RIGHT TO THE IDEAL CLIENT’S WANTS OR BENEFITS.
If we read further, we were invited to talk about “the sharing economy.” Let’s be real: If
you’re looking to be a successful Airbnb host, you don’t want to talk about the sharing
economy. You want to hear how to get great reviews, attract great, safe, paying guests,
and do it efficiently.
L AT E S T N E W S = O L D N E W S .
There was no opt-in except for this “Sign up for the latest news.” Eh. I’ve got enough in
my inbox. No news is good news, thanks.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
03 | AFTER
Evelyn Badia / Homepage
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FIXES
Now we’re talking!
W E G AV E T H I S P U P P Y A B E N E F I T- D R I V E N H E A D L I N E : B E T H E
A I R B N B H O S T YO U R G U E S T S C A N ’ T S T O P R AV I N G A B O U T.
A good format for these is a command that implies the outcome: Find Mr. Right. Take the
perfect vacation. Lose those last 10 pounds. Be more confident and charismatic the next
time you present to your team.
A N D T H E N , T H E T E X T R I G H T B E L O W E X P L A I N S W H AT E V E LY N H E L P S
YO U D O , W I T H CO N C R E T E D E TA I L S - -
Such as laundry loads, reviews, income, extra room in your house -- instead of vague
words about the sharing economy. Gets right to it.
T H E O P T- I N H A S A T E M P T I N G F R E E B I E .
One short version, one more detailed version at the bottom telling you more about what
you get in “The Ultimate Room-to-Room Checklist.” Guidebooks? Blow dryers? The new
host is going to read that and think, “I wonder what little touches I haven’t thought of
myself. Yes, please.”
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Be conscious of your bold lines, headlines,

and taglines.
Do they use that prime real estate well? Do they help make it super-clear what you do or
sell, and make it sound exciting? If not, come up with some new options below.
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Move along,
keep scrolling.
Shrimp’s orders.
NEXT UP: Putting a wealth of resonance into a wealth

management homepage.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
04 | BEFORE
Wealthcare for Women / Homepage
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PROBLEMS
NOT ENOUGH RESONANCE IN THE HEADLINE.
We want to get at the customer’s deepest hopes, pains, or fears -- using the language
they use.
No woman going through a divorce (the target client) wakes up in the middle of the night
thinking “I’ve got to get my money aligned with what’s important.” If she’s thinking about
money, she’s thinking, “Do I have enough for the life I want? Enough to last me, period?”
And she’s probably also thinking, “How do I go on from here?”
N OT S P E C I F I C TO T H E I D E A L C L I E N T.
The business had an ideal client: an affluent woman going through divorce. But we
wouldn’t know that from the copy. We could tell the business catered to women, sure.
But in what stage of life? With what kind of finances?
NOTE: If you want to attract your ideal client, you’ve got to call out to that person in your
copy.
VAGUE BENEFITS.
“A level of comfort and confidence around your money” and “live your best life” don’t
exactly paint a picture. They’re bland ideas, not specifics. We don’t know what they look
like in real life.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
04 | AFTER
Wealthcare for Women / Homepage
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FIXES
A H E A D L I N E T H AT:
- Tells us exactly who this is for (a person dealing with divorce);

- Offers hope (life will go on);
- Asks a question that demands urgent attention (will your money go on, too?).
S P E C I F I C D E TA I L S .
Chardonnay, college-age kids, trip to Italy: These concrete details paint a picture and
make it clear this service is for someone of a certain age, who’s used to an affluent
lifestyle and likes the finer things.
URGENCY BALANCED WITH DESIRE
A bit of “You think you’ve got plenty, but it could all evaporate in a snap” balanced with
“Living well is the best.” That gets a “yikes” but then also a “yes, please!”
Magic combo.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: What does your ideal client really want or worry about?
Do you address that in your copy? Or is it more about what YOU think is important and
sounds important? Be careful about that. List below 3 things you think your client is up at
3am worrying about, or 3 wishes he/she makes when blowing out the birthday candles.
Those are the words that should drive your copy.
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05 | BEFORE
Teach Alexander / Header Opt-in
PROBLEMS
CLUTTER!
This was an easy one. There was too much text in the header, most of it fluff. We want to
know, at a glance, where we are. This took more than a glance. It took wading through
a bunch of words.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
05 | AFTER
Teach Alexander / Header Opt-in
FIXES
C L A R I T Y.
We pared down the message so we immediately know what this place is for and what
we get by being here.
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YOUR TURN
What words could you prune from your copy to show off the heart of the message?
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
06 | BEFORE
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PROBLEMS
IS THIS FOR BUSINESS ROBOTS?
There was no sense of who this place was for. We could tell it was for businesses, be-
cause the language and images were, well, business-y.
W E I R D A N D VA G U E TA G L I N E .
The rotating header said BESPOKE IT AND SAP SERVICES. That’s fine - SAP is a thing IT
departments know about. But it also said AND TO BETTER SERVE OUR CUSTOMERS...
WE ACHIEVE OUTCOMES. Huh? Everyone achieves outcomes. That’s non-information
and a waste of real estate.
“ALL ABOUT ME” WORDS.
The WHAT WE DO section started off all about the business, not the customer. “We are
proud of our skills and knowledge.” That’s great, thinks the visitor, but what do you do
for me? “All about me” or “all about us” copy -- especially right off the bat -- is a no-no.
J A R G O N C I T Y , B A BY.
The specific boxes are full of wordy words. Jargon. There’s no personality and no sense
that it’s FOR A PERSON. Remember, it’s not a business that’s reading your copy. It’s a
PERSON.
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06 | AFTER
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FIXES
We dug into who’s looking at this (an IT manager at a company) and what they’re looking
to solve:
- Feeling overwhelmed by the system they’re supposed to know inside-out;

- Having to answer emergency calls at all hours if the system goes down;
- Having hired outside teams before, on the company dime, only to be left in the lurch
because that company doesn’t have time to do the job they promised.
Basically, all kinds of nightmares you don’t think about unless you’re an IT specialist.
Now, the copy calls out to a person who has this type of problem and needs help with
it, with:
A H E A D L I N E G E T T I N G T H E I R AT T E N T I O N .
“Are you an IT manager trying to…” -- a big “yoohoo” to the ideal customer.
A BOLD PROMISE,
Notice, it’s in the same attention-getting font.
NOW, YOU CAN FINALLY GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP. Hallelujah. How many
business websites, especially in tech, actually speak to the prospect in human
language...and think about that person’s life? Not enough, no doubt.
CO N V E R SAT I O N A L , C L E A R E X P L A N AT I O N S O F W H AT T H E Y D O.
For instance, instead of:
WORK DIRECTLY WITH YOUR BUSINESS

To understand your SAP problems and issues and to work with you on the best outcomes
We now have:
WORK DIRECTLY WITH YOUR BUSINESS

We come to your location and plant ourselves there as staff -- if you want (if not, we’ll
work remotely and be a phone call or email away).
So much more concrete and human, right?
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Jettison the jargon.
Even if your ideal client is familiar with the terms you use, what words can you swap out to
make your copy sound like it’s talking to a HUMAN? (After all, who else is gonna read it?)
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07 | BEFORE
Wines of Chile / insert card for wine.com deliveries
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
PROBLEMS
SPEAKING TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Wines of Chile’s ideal customer is a wine geek looking for something special. A person
who’s willing to spend good money on great wine, and -- though he won’t be suckered
by overpriced wine -- isn’t price shopping.
The old copy, however, was speaking to the exact opposite wine buyer: someone who
needs to be reminded what Cabernet is and who finds it all too expensive.
This flyer was positioning Chilean wine as the antidote: Psst, over here -- a Cabernet that
won’t break the bank!
IGNORABLE HEADLINE.
“Fall in love...with Cabernet.” Given the above info, the customer they want already loves
Cabernet. And doesn’t need to be told to discover them.
BURIED CALL TO ACTION.
That 10% off thing? Would’ve missed it. It blended in with the rest of the copy.
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07 | AFTER
Wines of Chile / insert card for wine.com deliveries
www.getwsodo.com
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FIXES
SPEAKING TO THE RIGHT PERSON.
The new copy positions Chilean Cabernet like a Cuban cigar: the good stuff,
contraband, something so excellent, it must be illegal.
You get major props for sharing something like that.
Now, we’re really talking to a wine lover: A person who loves being known for always
bringing the best wine to the dinner party. We’re speaking to this person’s sense of
prestige. Where before, we were speaking to...well, cheapness.
INTRIGUING HEADLINE.
Everyone loves a secret. Keep them a secret? Which ones? Tell me more.
M O R E V I S I B L E A N D B E N E F I T- D R I V E N C A L L TO A C T I O N .
Note the last lines are now a separate paragraph, so we can see them. And they invite
you not just to buy wine, but to “meet your new go-to dinner party Cabernets.” That’s a
benefit: always having a bottle on hand that you can grab without thinking before you
head to someone else’s gathering, or before your own guests arrive.
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YOUR TURN
NOTE: Talk to the right person. Your ideal client.

Not the wrong person.
Duh, right? But is there any place in your copy where you might be attracting the wrong
types? Make a note here.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
08 | BEFORE
Love and Recovery / Header and Tagline
PROBLEMS
I N E F F E C T I V E TA G L I N E .
Renee created this site as a stylish alternative to the earnest, stuck-in-the-70’s style of
all the recovery gifts, aesthetics, and language out there. She wanted to show people
that sobriety could be hip and fashionable. Her site would offer gifts like beautiful, gold
necklaces to mark sober-anniversaries, an app that sends you clean, modern inspiration
graphics, and more.
The proposed tagline and accompanying line didn’t express that at all.
“Life in transformation” sounds like the same old kind of recovery language. And “where
life is fresh, fun & always feisty” is unconvincing. Instead of saying fresh, fun and feisty...
show it.
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08 | AFTER
FIXES
N OW T H E H E A D E R T E L L S U S W H AT T H I S P L A C E I S .
It doesn’t knock the other recovery stuff out there (she didn’t want to insult anyone), but
it does imply a fresh take on the recovery lifestyle. This about page (a bigger project)
helps seal the deal:
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
08 | AFTER
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YOUR TURN
NOTE: Show it, don’t say it.

Do you use unconvincing words, especially in your tagline? Adjectives like fresh, fun,
funny, feisty, sassy, sexy….saying you’re those things doesn’t convince us you are.
Can you come up with a tagline that’s more believable?
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
09 | BEFORE
Win at Law School / Sales Page
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PROBLEMS
VAGUE PROMISE.
What does succeeding at law school mean? It could mean acing interviews with the
best firms; it could mean making connections; it could mean getting high grades. Turns
out what the course teaches is how to get high grades without getting burned out. But
we don’t know that from the headline.
STIFF, PROFESSOR-Y LANGUAGE.
The text under the header isn’t bad, actually. It’s conversational. But the “you are” in the
line “If so, you are in the right place” is crying out for a contraction. (Read it out loud and
you’ll see that you sound like a ridiculous robot.)
COULD USE ANOTHER EXCITING SUB-HEADER AND A CALL TO

ACTION.
That bold line at the bottom is good real estate. Could we make better use of it to get
and keep the reader’s attention, and get them to take action? Survey says…YES!
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
09 | AFTER
Win at Law School / Sales Page
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FIXES
S P E C I F I C P R O M I S E T H AT “ G E T S I T. ”
The new headline tells struggling law students exactly how they’ll succeed: by getting
top grades (thing they want) without burning out (thing they don’t want). And note how
that part is phrased: “without becoming a workaholic zombie.” It sounds way less stiff
and clinical and uses entertaining, conversational words a student would use.
This language shows that the seller “gets it.”
M O R E D E TA I L E D A N D E M OT I O N A L D E S C R I P T I O N S O F T H E P RO B L E M .
For example, note the original, “I don’t know what my professors expect from me on the
final” vs the new, “In the dark about what your professors expect from you on the final?”
Those 3 words, “in the dark,” tap right into to that scary, lost feeling, and get into our
prospect’s head.
L A S T L I N E O F T H I S S E C T I O N I S A B E N E F I T- D R I V E N C A L L TO A C-
TION.
I asked the client how long this course took to go through.

His answer: “Two hours.”
Whoa. That’s a big deal. 2 hours of my life to rescue my whole law school experience?
Yes, please!
We used that. If you can deliver results in a surprisingly doable span of time, SHOW IT
OFF!
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Keep it conversational.
Read your copy out loud. Are there places that sound stiff and robotic? Note one below
and change it, so it sounds human.
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www.getwsodo.com
This page has nothing

to do with anything.
Skip it!
NEXT UP: Fixing some “self-centered” copy.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
10 | BEFORE
Tarzan Kay / Header
PROBLEM
IMAGINARY “WE.”
The client, Tarzan, is a pro copywriter in her own right. She had a sense that, because
she’s a solo-owned business, the word “we” might be misleading. It’s just her, not a team.
So who’s “we”?
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10 | BEFORE
Tarzan Kay / Header
PROBLEM
“ALL ABOUT ME” HEADLINE.
Changing “we” to “I” is more accurate. But now it feels “me”-centric.

That can be a turnoff to the prospect, even if only subliminally.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
10 | AFTER
Tarzan Kay / Header
FIX
“ALL ABOUT YOU” HEADLINE.
The new headline is about YOU (the visitor). And you like that. Now that it also starts
with “Get,” it’s a command. A call to action. That’s powerful.
We like being told what to do. (Kinky, right?)
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www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Is your copy self-centered?

What lines about you could say the same thing while being more about the
customer?
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
11 | BEFORE
Hello Stranger Creative / Homepage
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PROBLEMS
N O AT T E N T I O N - G R A B B I N G H E A D L I N E , N O “ W H AT ’ S I N I T F O R M E ”
The client, Hello Stranger, is a branding agency. Their specialty is “influencer market-
ing” -- meaning, pairing up a brand with the right A-lister to give them a halo of edge
and cool. So, their homepage needs to broadcast that sense of edge and cool.
And, any homepage needs to grab the reader right away with an immediate sense of
“this is what we do, and this is who it’s for.”
The line “Who we are” didn’t do any of that.
LOTS OF “ALL ABOUT US” COPY WITHOUT MUCH VALUE
Sure, the person browsing the site is there to learn about the company. But what they
want to know is, “How will they help me?” Not, “Ooh, I wonder what their core values
are.” The copy there isn’t what we need to know right off the bat.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
11 | AFTER
Hello Stranger Creative / Homepage
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FIXES
FUN, EDGY HEADLINE
The first copy you read explains what this company does -- in a fun way that shows
they understand the value of originality and bold messaging. You can’t convincingly say
you’re bold if you don’t show it.
CLEAR “WHO IT’S FOR” EXAMPLES
The person visiting can now see, “Oh, we’re the type of company they help. This could
be perfect for us.”
CREDIBILITY MARKERS
Prestigious past projects and a bit of name dropping go a long way when you work in a
celebrity-driven industry.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Is your copy getting right to the good stuff?

What information would get the prospective buyer or customer excited they’ve found you?
(Hint: It’s probably not your core values.)
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www.getwsodo.com
12 | BEFORE
Leader Bag / Homepage Header
PROBLEMS
S W E E T TA G L I N E R E F L E C T S O P P O S I T E O F B R A N D M E S SA G E
The company, Leader Bag, prides itself on making a diaper bag that doesn’t look like a
diaper bag. It was created as a sophisticated, high-end-looking antidote to “schleppy.”
To bags that shouted, “I’m the mommy, and my whole day is about the playground and
snack time.” Yet, here they were using a line that said pretty much that. “Everyday ad-
ventures” is code for: We’re in the trenches. No need to look nice.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
12 | AFTER
Leader Bag / Homepage Header
FIXES
O N - M E S SA G E TA G L I N E
This tagline gives the brand a voice that matches the buyer they want: someone who
still talks like a with-it person. Just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you start
speaking in commercial, parent-industrial-complex phrases like “everyday adventures.”
And, in this voice, the tagline conveys that this diaper bag doesn’t look like a diaper
bag. It conveys the idea, “Everyone will be shocked when they find out your diaper bag
is a diaper bag” without saying it in such an on-the-nose way.
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www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Is your tagline doing justice to your brand message?

Here’s a thought starter: Try playing around with dialogue in the tagline. What does an ac-
tual person say about your service or product? For instance, if a dentist kept hearing from
patients after a whitening process, “Wow, I didn’t even feel it,” they might go with:
Your “Didn’t even feel it” whitening process.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
13 | BEFORE
Leader Bag / About Page Header
PROBLEMS
ABOUT PAGE HEADLINE AND COPY UNDERMINE BRAND MESSAGE
Again, the problem with most diaper bags is that they’re so...sensible. Sensible equals
frumpy. “Makes sense” sounds fine, but it doesn’t exactly speak to daring.
And, few people are going to say, “Ooooh, a gender-neutral silhouette! My husband/
partner will love that.” Gender-neutral sounds as unsexy as all get out. Finally, this copy
doesn’t get to the real reason for making the bag swing either way (mommy/daddy):
The company wants it to be more than a bag. They want it to be a movement. A revo-
lution in parental roles. Their copy needs to push that, not bury it.
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www.getwsodo.com
13 | AFTER
Leader Bag / About Page Header
FIXES
BOLD, ON-MESSAGE ABOUT PAGE HEADLINE AND COPY
“Diaper bags that smash the Patriarchy (and look nice, too)” -- now, their line is playful-
ly making the bag’s good looks secondary to its big mission. A mission that’s quite a
promise for a diaper bag, but that’s the tongue-in-cheek point.
“Refuse old roles.” This copy jumps off with a rally cry. It’s an idea that modern parents
can get behind, a charge they can lead, just by carrying this bag. There’s way more
value in that than in a “gender-neutral silhouette.”
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: If you’re looking to start a movement, your copy needs

to move emotions.
If you have a powerful idea behind your brand, do you have powerful words to match?
What, if anything, would be your “rally cry”?
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www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
14 | BEFORE
Real Estate Company / Email (to people who
signed up to access listings)
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
PROBLEMS
NEWSLETTER-ISH, BORING SUBJECT LINE
A lot of companies put the subject line of their email blasts in title case. (Meaning: Every
First Letter Is Capitalized.) I recommend putting yours in regular sentence case, just like
you would if you were writing to a friend or colleague. That makes it look more person-
al, which means it’s more likely to get opened. Also, make the subject line intriguing.
So, even if the person knows it’s a business email, they’ll be curious enough to open it.
“JUST CHECKING IN” IS NAGGY, AND THE REST IS

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
We all do it. “Just checking in.” But do we like to read it? I sure don’t. It’s apologetic and
gives the reader permission to ignore us. The rest, “to make sure we didn’t drop the
ball” is even worse. It’s saying, “that’s the kind of thing we do -- drop the ball.”
“LET ME KNOW IF I CAN DO ANYTHING” -

VAGUE, DOESN’T INSPIRE ACTION
It’s like when someone’s sick or dies and you offer, “Please let me know if there’s any-
thing I can do.” No one’s going to take you up on it because it puts the burden on them
to think of how you can help them. It doesn’t seem genuine.
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www.getwsodo.com
14 | AFTER
Real Estate Company / Email (to people who
signed up to access listings)
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
FIXES
CURIOSITY-AROUSING SUBJECT LINE
You might see subject lines like this all the time in the marketing world. But remember,
these are people who aren’t inundated with online-marketers’ messages in their
inboxes. They’re on this list because they had to submit their email in order to get
access to real estate listings in a certain area. This subject line will stick out from the
usual business-y junk in their inbox.
L E TS T H E M O F F T H E H O O K I N A P E R S O N A B L E WAY
It feels unexpectedly transparent to say, “I get that you signed up just to get access to
the email listings.” It lets the reader off the hook guilt-free.
“ME TOO” LINE DOES DOUBLE DUTY
Saying, “I love looking at real estate listings all day, too” feels inclusive and chummy --
but it ALSO shows that this realtor knows his/ her stuff. You want to work with someone
who lives and breathes what they do, and this line speaks to that passion.
NEW LINE OFFERS EXCITING VALUE THEY HADN’T CONSIDERED
The email before merely said, “Hey, if you need me, I’m here.” Now, it essentially says,
“Even if you didn’t think you needed me, I can give you an edge that the listings robots
can’t offer you.” That’s what every real estate shopper wants: listings and inside info that
no one else has access to. Now that’s a reason to stay in touch!
“ H I T R E P LY ” L I N K G I V E S A O N E - C L I C K C A L L T O A C T I O N
Everyone knows how to reply to an email, but giving a link to do it makes it so easy,
it overrides human laziness. And inviting someone to challenge the sender with their
dream property gives them an irresistible way to engage.
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www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
-
gage with your call to action?
Saying “Hey, I’m here to help, let me know if you need anything” is bland. What can you tell
the person receiving your email that offers them an exciting reason to engage with you?
What would they be missing out on if they ignored you?
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
15 | BEFORE
Elle G Photography / About Page
PROBLEMS
“ H I ! I ’ M L I SA G ” N OT A R E A L H E A D L I N E . WA S T E D R E A L E S TAT E .
We’ve seen this over and over. Saying hi is friendly, but not an attention-getter.
S O L I D B LO C K O F T E X T T H AT ’ S T E L L I N G , N OT S H OW I N G .
Her self-description here is fine for a dating profile (one where someone’s just looking
at the pictures). But it says a bunch of stuff without really proving it. Like, looking “for
the humor in life.” We don’t see any evidence of that. And it’s all about her, without
pointing out why we should care.
NO CALL TO ACTION!
Every About page (and every other website page) should tell us what to do next.
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www.getwsodo.com
15 | AFTER
Elle G Photography / About Page
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
FIXES
F U N , R E L ATA B L E H E A D L I N E
“I’m just a gal with a camera and a serious mermaid complex:” This headline makes Lisa
sound fun, unintimidating and accessible. “Mermaid complex” is a way more lively way
of saying, “I feel at home in the water.”
TRANSITION LINE IN THE MIDDLE BREAKS UP THE COPY AND SHIFTS

THE FOCUS TO THE CUSTOMER.
Lisa has fun details about herself to share. Her love of water -- and her past as a dolphin
trainer (!) -- aren’t merely interesting; they speak to her qualifications as someone who’s
got your back in a pool or ocean. So they’re worth showcasing at the top. But to make
it not all about her, the “You too?” line is essential. It shifts the spotlight to the customer
and lets them qualify themselves as someone who’s equally water-crazy.
F I N A L PA R A G R A P H TA L KS A B O U T T H E E X P E R I E N C E F O R T H E
CUSTOMER.
Now, instead of being all about Lisa, it’s about the custom, enjoyable experience she
creates for the customer. It’s about them and their dreams, not just hers. And it lets them
know how much she cares about making them look good. We all want a photographer
who makes that a priority. As anyone who’s worked with an “artsy” photographer knows,
that’s not a given!
CALL TO ACTION
“Ready to book your beach or underwater shoot? Learn more.” The “Learn more” links
to a page to book shoots. You’ve got to take your reader by the hand and lead them to
the next step, or they might think “I’ll deal with this later” and click away, even if they’re
interested.
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www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Does every page on your site have a call to action?

What do you want them to do next when they’re on your About page? Any other page?
Add it! (And link it.)
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
16 | BEFORE
Social Media Marketing Consultant /
Work With Me Page
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www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
PROBLEMS
HEADLINE SPACE NOT OPTIMIZED WITH A REAL HEADLINE
The person going to this page knows where they are. They’ve just clicked “Work With
Me” in the nav bar. So why not use that top-of-the-page spot with a headline that grabs
their attention and makes them sit up in their Aeron chair?
SERVING “SPINACH.”
This service is for someone who’s overwhelmed by marketing and doesn’t want to deal
with it. So saying, “Time to get real friendly with marketing” is news they DON’T want to
hear. It’s feeding them spinach when they just said, “I don’t like spinach. Do you have
any cake?”
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
16 | AFTER
Social Media Marketing Consultant /
Work With Me Page
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www.getwsodo.com
FIXES
B E N E F I T- D R I V E N H E A D L I N E T H AT P U T S T H E P R O S P E C T AT E A S E
“Get your name out there” magic: makes it sound easy and effective. “For major market-
ing-phobes” lets the person say, “That’s me! I’m scared of marketing.” They self-identify
by reading the page, and feel taken care of.
SUBHEADER NOW OFFERS CAKE INSTEAD OF SPINACH
“Time to let the internet hook you up with a steady stream of clients.” That’s what they
want. Marketing is process. They don’t want that. They want the result of the process,
which is the steady stream of clients. And the language, “let the internet hook you up”
implies they get to sit back and let the grand, mysterious system of interconnected
tubes that is the internet do all the work.
“ E V E N I F ” S E C T I O N TA C K L E S O BJ E C T I O N S
If you offer something that people might decide “isn’t for them” because they think
they’re not qualified, nothing works, it’ll be too expensive, or any other excuses, you can
use a few smart “even ifs” to knock down those objections.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: What objections might your ideal client/ buyer have

to signing up or purchasing?
Put together an “even if” list, and then narrow it down to a few that seem to get in the way
time after time.
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www.getwsodo.com
17 | BEFORE
Avraham Beyers / Financial Advisor Homepage
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
PROBLEMS
SLIDERS COUNTING ON US STICKING AROUND TO READ
What you see in this display is all the site’s sliders at once. Normally, they’d slide in
one at a time. Instead of a single, succinct tagline, they counted on us sticking around
to read them (almost no one will) and gave us a serialized, long-winded explanation
of the company’s concept: Personal Financial Trainer. And that leads us to the second
problem:
SERVING “SPINACH.”
Ah, our old friend “copy spinach.” The explanation of what a Personal Financial Trainer
is, sounds...well, hard. Like something good for us, but not delicious. In other words,
spinach. Finances are already something most people avoid looking at. Now, you’re
combining them with something else we put off: working out. Nothing about that
sounds exciting or benefit-driven. The wisdom of marketing is sell us what we want,
give us what we need -- not sell us what you want us to want because you like the idea.
IMPERSONAL, DISEMBODIED “WE.”
Who’s “we”? Is this a big company that’s going to assign you someone to work with?
Speaking in “we” is fine if it’s true and an asset, but why not leverage the fact that it’s
one person -- a likable expert -- rather than a bland, anonymous company?
U N E N T I C I N G O P T- I N
“Learn how to make a budget and stick to it. Subscribe to our newsletter.” Nah.
NAME IS A BLAND BUZZWORD
“Breakthrough Financial Trainers” - Breakthrough is overused. Personal Financial

Trainers is gimmicky (as explained). And, there’s only one of them: Avraham.
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www.getwsodo.com
17 | AFTER
Avraham Beyers / Financial Advisor Homepage
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
FIXES
P E R S O N A L , B E N E F I T- D R I V E N H E A D E R CO P Y
Through the process of redoing his copy, Avraham pinpointed his ideal client: someone
who makes a good living but still struggles to have any money left over at the end of the
month. This person looks at the bank balance and wonders, “Where did it all go?” The
header now speaks to this person specifically, in a conversational way. (The word “Poof”
adds an extra touch of friendly, real-person talk.) Rather than saying, “This is going to
take work,” it acknowledges, “You already work hard -- and should see the rewards.”
CO M P E L L I N G , B E N E F I T- D R I V E N O P T- I N
He now offers “more money left over at the end of the month” - who doesn’t want that?
The previous opt-in, “Make a budget and stick to it,” was process. No one wants pro-
cess. “More money left over” is a result. A benefit. That’s what we do want.
A PERSON!
Avraham, in all his bearded glory: who you see is who you get. He’s not for everyone.
And that’s great, because not everyone is for him. Remember, we hire and buy from
people we know, like and trust. Showcasing your personality, if the company is you, is a
crucial piece of your marketing. The photo isn’t exactly a “copy tweak,” but it supports
the copy that now has Avraham’s distinct voice.
82
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
YOUR TURN
NOTE: Is your opt-in something your prospect actually wants?

Play around with the name of your free offer, or re-do it completely so that it’s got some
“Ooh, I want that” embedded in the name.
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
Bonus After Section

Check out some more of Avraham’s scrolling home page, which
one-on-one collaboration and Avraham’s DIY copy skills, honed

in THECOPYCURE.COM
84
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
BONUS SECTION
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
Want to transform
your own copy?
I promised my best resources. Here they are:
You can become an expert at doing it yourself

with The Copy Cure, the ultimate course for
writing copy that gets people to love you and
buy from you.
To get in the Copy Cure, visit: THECOPYCURE.COM
And if you need expert 1-on-1 help,

you can grab an hour with me! (Keep reading.)
86
www.getwsodo.com
www.getwsodo.com
Oh, and hey!

Have we met?
I’m Laura Belgray.
My company is called Talking Shrimp.

(Why? We’ll save that for another day.)
I’ve been a professional copywriter for over 2

decades. And if you’re calculating my age, yes: I
started when I still had my baby teeth.
Did I mention all the above copy tweaks were

done in a Power Hour? That’s a service I offer.
IT WORKS LIKE THIS
1. You contact me through my booking form at talkingshrimp.com/book.
2. After you click “submit,” the confirmation page gives you a link to my calendar. You find
a slot that works for you and request it.
3. I get back to you, and we’re off to the races.
4. We have a life- and business- and game-changing, hour-long session on phone or

Skype. Your choice. You watch me write notes and rewrite copy on the spot, in a Google
Doc.
5. You reap the sweet rewards of your improved copy into the future and infinity, riding on
a silky, flying polar bear (because unicorns are done to death).
6. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

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www.getwsodo.

1 hour before & afters.

What you’re about to look at are

That’s great news for you.

Because you can make these same

From BUH-BYE to MUST-BUY.

Even if you’ve been putting it off for

Now, let’s get cracking!

THE COPY IS ABOUT PROCESS -- NOT BENEFITS.

GET INTO THE IDEAL CLIENT’S HEAD.

SMARTER 3RD BUTTON.

NOTE: Knowing and speaking to your exact ideal

nothing to see here!

Move along to the next page, and let’s

NEXT UP: Putting more positive psychology into a

REPETITION OF “DO YOU.”

Look at all those bullet points starting with “Do you.”

One that’s positive and wistful, instead of dire.

GROUP ALL THOSE BULLETS UNDER ONE “DO YOU.”

NOTE: Details make everything more compelling.

NEXT UP: We took the hot air out of an Airbnb

DOESN’T GET RIGHT TO THE IDEAL CLIENT’S WANTS OR BENEFITS.

Now we’re talking!

NOTE: Be conscious of your bold lines, headlines,

NEXT UP: Putting a wealth of resonance into a wealth

NOT ENOUGH RESONANCE IN THE HEADLINE.

- Tells us exactly who this is for (a person dealing with divorce);

URGENCY BALANCED WITH DESIRE

IS THIS FOR BUSINESS ROBOTS?

“ALL ABOUT ME” WORDS.

- Feeling overwhelmed by the system they’re supposed to know inside-out;

WORK DIRECTLY WITH YOUR BUSINESS

WORK DIRECTLY WITH YOUR BUSINESS

So much more concrete and human, right?

NOTE: Jettison the jargon.

SPEAKING TO THE WRONG PERSON.

BURIED CALL TO ACTION.

SPEAKING TO THE RIGHT PERSON.

You get major props for sharing something like that.

NOTE: Talk to the right person. Your ideal client.

NOTE: Show it, don’t say it.

STIFF, PROFESSOR-Y LANGUAGE.

COULD USE ANOTHER EXCITING SUB-HEADER AND A CALL TO

I asked the client how long this course took to go through.

NOTE: Keep it conversational.

This page has nothing

NEXT UP: Fixing some “self-centered” copy.

“ALL ABOUT ME” HEADLINE.

Changing “we” to “I” is more accurate. But now it feels “me”-centric.

“ALL ABOUT YOU” HEADLINE.

NOTE: Is your copy self-centered?

The line “Who we are” didn’t do any of that.

LOTS OF “ALL ABOUT US” COPY WITHOUT MUCH VALUE

FUN, EDGY HEADLINE

CLEAR “WHO IT’S FOR” EXAMPLES

NOTE: Is your copy getting right to the good stuff?

NOTE: Is your tagline doing justice to your brand message?

ABOUT PAGE HEADLINE AND COPY UNDERMINE BRAND MESSAGE

BOLD, ON-MESSAGE ABOUT PAGE HEADLINE AND COPY