PANDEMONIUM

By
JD Atkins
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 PANDEMONIUM
By JD ATKINS
Copyright © MMXVIII by JD Atkins, All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61588-451-3

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2 PANDEMONIUM

PANDEMONIUM
By JD Atkins

SYNOPSIS: Who killed Zeus? That is the question that private detective
Minerva Owler is trying to answer in modern day New York City. The Greek
gods live incognito among the mortals, but when Zeus is murdered by one of
their own, it is up to the goddess of wisdom, Minerva, to find out who is behind
the betrayal. With the help of her Olympian siblings––the EMT Mercury and
Sergeant Mars of the NYPD––Minerva leads the investigation, but it may
already be too late. Only the world’s wisest detective stands a chance at
finding the traitor in time to stop the coming of Pandemonium.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS
(6 females, 3-4 males, 8-16 either)

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MINERVA OWLER (f) ......................... God of wisdom. Ex-detective and
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an current Private Investigator.

(279 lines)
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ALEX (m/f) ............................................ Minerva’s assistant. Hopes to be a

detective someday. (146 lines)
SERGEANT MARS (m/f) ..................... God of war. A grizzled veteran with
the NYPD. (112 lines)
KID MERCURY (m/f)........................... Messenger god. An upbeat, sarcastic
EMT. (91 lines)
BACCHUS (m) ...................................... God of wine. A brassy socialite and
party planner. (73 lines)
VENUS (f) ............................................. God of love. Part-owner of the party
planning business. (19 lines)
PERSEPHONE (f) ................................. Former queen of the underworld.
Statuesque and cold. (48 lines)
NEPTUNE (m)....................................... “Johnny Neptune.” God of the sea.
Professional surfer and amateur
hippie. (50 lines)
DORIS (f)............................................... Neptune’s no-nonsense bodyguard.
(38 lines)
 JD ATKINS 3

STYX (m/f) ............................................ The former gatekeeper to the

underworld. A “Secret Service” type.
(41 lines)
ARTEMIS (f) ......................................... Agent Artemis Hunt of the FBI. She
always gets her man. (22 lines)
PLUTO (m) ............................................ Former lord of the underworld. A
rich, debonair businessman.
(15 lines)
ZEUS (m) ............................................... The deceased all-father of the gods.
(25 lines)
ALPHA (m/f) ......................................... A professional criminal. (27 lines)
DELTA (m/f) ......................................... A professional criminal. (19 lines)

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GAMMA (m/f)....................................... A professional criminal. (11 lines)
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AGENT ONE (m/f) ................................ Undercover FBI agent. (12 lines)
AGENT TWO (m/f) ............................... Undercover FBI agent. (9 lines)

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AGENT THREE (m/f) ........................... Undercover FBI agent. (8 lines)
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SECURITY GUARD (m/f) .................... Museum guard. (6 lines)

VULCAN (m/f) ...................................... Former god of the forge. (3 lines)
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IRIS (f) ................................................... Persephone’s loyal assistant.
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(5 lines)
FAN ONE (m/f) ..................................... Fan of Johnny Neptune. (2 lines)
FAN TWO (m/f) .................................... Fan of Johnny Neptune. (2 lines)
GUEST ONE (m/f) ................................ Party guest at Museum Gala. (1 line)
GUEST TWO (m/f) ............................... Party guest at Museum Gala. (1 line)

EXTRAS:
ENSEMBLE ..................................... BANK SECURITY GUARD,
HOSTAGES, ADDITIONAL
AGENTS, LOVE DRUNK
EMPLOYEES, FANS, PARTY
GUESTS, SERVERS,
PARAMEDICS, UNDEAD
SOLDIERS. (Non-Speaking.)

DURATION: 90 minutes
SETTING: New York City,
TIME: Modern Day.
4 PANDEMONIUM

OPTIONAL DOUBLING

ZEUS can double as PLUTO.

ALPHA can double as SECURITY GUARD.
IRIS can double as DELTA.
VENUS can double as GAMMA.
AGENT ONE can double as FAN ONE, GUEST ONE.
AGENT TWO can double as FAN TWO, GUEST TWO.
AGENT THREE can double as VULCAN.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE
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SCENE 1: Bank.
SCENE 2: Office of Owler Inquiries.

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SCENE 3: Metropolitan Museum, Gala.
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SCENE 4: Bookstore.
SCENE 5: Metropolitan Museum, Gala.
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ACT TWO
SCENE 1: Metropolitan Museum, Gala.
SCENE 2: Metropolitan Museum, Gates of Olympus.
SCENE 3: Office of Owler Inquiries.
SCENE 4: Metropolitan Museum, Gates of Olympus.
SCENE 5: Office of Owler Inquiries.

COSTUMES

ALL CHARACTERS: Modern clothes, both formal and casual, are most
appropriate for scenes.

SPECIALTY COSTUMES:
MINERVA OWLER: Leather jacket, Dressed in “grunge,” a flannel,
perhaps, with fashion tears in her jeans. She has an alternative hairstyle
and is wearing sunglasses over her eyes.
ALEX: Police Academy t-shirt
SERGEANT MARS: leather bracelet
KID MERCURY: EMT jacket
 JD ATKINS 5

DORIS, AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, AGENT THREE: FBI jackets

STYX: distinctive jacket and sunglasses
ALPHA, DELTA, GAMMA: criminal masks
SECURITY GUARD: sunglasses
UNDEAD ARMY: black clothing

SET DESIGN

There are two doors, USL and USR, and a central archway (which can easily
double as a large bay window). The various settings of the play are suggested
through smaller decorations [a desk, a statue, tables and chairs] strategically
placed in the foreground. Locations: Bank, Office of Owler Inquiries,

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Metropolitan Museum, and Bookstore.
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Bank: The backroom of a bank.

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Office of Owler Inquiries: A cheap, rundown New York office. There is a

small desk DSR that is clean, save for a small plant on one edge and a thick
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binder in the middle. A second desk, USC, large and bearing the inscription
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“OWLER INQUIRIES,” is stacked high with untended papers and littered

with empty diet soda bottles and discarded newspapers. A chair for clients is
next to the desk. There is a picture of Paul on the wall, with a key behind it.
One door is the entrance to the office, the other door leads to the bathroom.

Metropolitan Museum:
Gala: This space is decorated during the play for the Gala. This includes
tables and chairs. Decorated with relics of Greek and Roman culture. In Act
Two, yellow crime scene tape hangs aroung the perimeter.
Gates of Olympus: A sign proclaims that this is the Treasures of the
Immortals exhibit. Statues with sheets covering them. Decorated with relics
of Greek and Roman culture.

Bookstore: Bookstore with table set up for an autograph signing.

6 PANDEMONIUM

SPECIAL EFFECTS

LIGHT EFFECTS: Lighting cues can communicate god abilities.

light behind a door and gateway
red lights flashing for Styx's abilities

SOUND EFFECTS: Sound effects can also communicate god abilities.

humming or ambient sound
thunder
phone ring
heart monitor
air compressor

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party music
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WINE TRANSFORMATION: For Bacchus’s wine transformation, nontoxic
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red color tablets dropped into apple juice can make an impressive “white wine
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to red wine” effect.

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Pandemonium is, above all, a story about a family coming together. Encourage
your cast to portray the familial aspects of their characters; the love found over
the course of this play is the unifying thread that connects the comedy and
tragedy.
 JD ATKINS 7

PROPS

Greek/Roman helmet
magazines and soda bottles
police badge, notebook, pen
EMT bag
champagne flutes
trays of champagne
trays of hors d’oeuvres
a wristband
tray of coffee cups
speech (folder up piece of paper)
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4+ phones
notebook

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books for an autograph signing
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money
travel bag
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3+ handcuffs
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blankets
sage oil
museum artifacts
bottles and garbage bag
three masks (preferably dogs or wolves)
weapons (handguns and knives)
a key
a portrait of Paul, Zeus, Venus, and Pluto
sub sandwiches
bag of kale burgers
business cards
8 PANDEMONIUM

PRODUCTION HISTORY

Pandemonium premiered at Grafton High School in Grafton, WI with the

following cast:

MINERVA OWLER ........................................... Lydia Fischer

ALEX .....................................................................Zach Taylor
SERGEANT MARS ......................... Jeff Brown / Hunter Bault
KID MERCURY ........................................... Aleezah Manzoor
BACCHUS ............................................................ Nick Wilson
PERSEPHONE ...................................................Morgan Ruska
NEPTUNE ............................................................Cannon Nash

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VENUS ................................................................... Cassie Sohr
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DORIS .................................. Stacy Ducheny / Mikayla Fischer
STYX.................................................................. Sadie Monreal

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ARTEMIS HUNT................................................... Elise Lueck
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MR. PLUTO ......................................................... Derek Ruona

ZEUS ...............................................................Brandon Barbier
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ALPHA ............................................................ Aaron Kaminski
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DELTA ............................................................... Neala Luedtke

GAMMA .............................................................. Hunter Bault
AGENT ONE .................................................. McKenna Craun
AGENT TWO ................................................... Cole Robinson
AGENT THREE ................................................... Wilson Jones
IRIS ....................................................................... Anna Brown
VULCAN ............................................................ Cody Daniels
SECRUITY GUARD ........................................... Adam Kapke

FANS & GUESTS: Ashley Fryjoff, Elijah Voss, Sam Aria, Sydney Teare,
Grace Gehrke, Ruby Ellison, Hailey Bault, Greg Depmsey, Eli Feutz, Sydney
Wojcik, Kaeli Mahnke, Anna Albers, Ben Koehler, Grace Hill, Ava Pederson,
Mandy Perez, Josh Turner

DEDICATION

Pandemonium is a story about a family coming together; it was possible

because of the support of my family, my wife, and my students in GHS
Performing Arts.
 JD ATKINS 9

ACT ONE, SCENE 1

AT START: Bank. Lights up on an interior, backroom. An empty stage,

with a sleeping SECURITY GUARD in the corner. Offstage voices are
heard. A row of HOSTAGES, including MINERVA, are being lead into
the back room from SR door. They have their hands over their heads.
Behind them, ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA, criminals in masks, lead
them on.

ALPHA: Sit down here. And don’t talk.

DELTA: The sooner everyone cooperates, the sooner we all go home.
GAMMA: Where to, Alpha?

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ALPHA: Back room. You’re looking for safe deposit box 00194.
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GAMMA: Roger. (Exits through SL door.)
ALPHA: Keep them here, Delta. I’ll make sure we aren’t disturbed.

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MINERVA: You don’t have to worry about that.
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DELTA makes a move for MINERVA, but ALPHA stops her.

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ALPHA: Why not?

MINERVA: Because you did a good job. You disconnected the silent
alarm, you kept the tellers away from their panic buttons, and the
hostages away from their phones. The cops aren’t coming.
ALPHA: Can’t be too careful, though. Search her!

DELTA pulls MINERVA to her feet and starts patting her down.

ALPHA: Pretty observant, there, lady. Are you undercover? Off-duty?

MINERVA: Retired.
DELTA: She’s clean.
ALPHA: Alright––put her with the others. But keep an eye on her.
MINERVA: They must be paying you well for this job.
DELTA: Shut up.
ALPHA: Hold on––what are you talking about?
MINERVA: I’m just saying, you’re holding up an entire bank and you’re
not stealing any cash. Whoever hired you for this job must be paying
you pretty well.
ALPHA: (Smirking.) You have no idea.
10 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: Deep pockets move mountains, I suppose. So what does

the man with everything need to steal, I wonder?
DELTA: None of your business, pig.
MINERVA: Something sentimental? No, something compromising.
DELTA: I said none of your business! Alpha, are you just going to let
her run her mouth like this?
ALPHA: (Watching the SL door.) She’s harmless, Delta. Let her play
detective if she wants.
MINERVA: To be honest, I’m really just trying to keep things from
escalating, you know? Keep everyone calm. It’s my cop training,
you’d be amazed how many situations you can defuse just by
talking. Tell me, Delta––is it? Tell me, Delta, have you heard the

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one about the car?
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DELTA: We’re not in the mood for jokes.
MINERVA: It’s really more of a riddle. My dad tells it at parties. Here it

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is: What’s green and has wheels?
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DELTA: I said, shut up! (After a moment.) A car?

MINERVA: (Pleasantly.) No!
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DELTA: What? That’s so stupid! (After a moment.) Well then, what’s
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the answer?
MINERVA: (Laughing.) I have no idea! My dad never told us. Drives
you crazy, right?
DELTA: Oh my god. Alpha, switch with me. I can’t deal with this lady.
ALPHA: Stay focused, Delta.
MINERVA: OK––how about a story instead. Anyone know the story of
Polyphemus?
ALPHA: The cyclops?
MINERVA: Hey! Yeah, exactly. See, Odysseus and his crew were
trying to escape the cyclops’ cave. So what do you do? You poke
out his eye, right? But the cyclops, he sits himself down at the door
and says he won’t let anyone out.

GAMMA runs in from the other room.

ALPHA: Gamma! What’s the update? Did you get into the safety
deposit box?
GAMMA: I blew the lock no problem. But it was empty.
DELTA: What?
 JD ATKINS 11

GAMMA: Empty!
MINERVA: (Not paying attention to any of them.) But Odysseus was
smart. He knew that eventually the cyclops would have to let his
giant sheep out to graze.
DELTA: Shut up! Alpha, do we abort?
GAMMA: The employer would kill us.
ALPHA: Just let me think.
MINERVA: So Odysseus and his soldiers held onto the bellies of the
sheep, and that’s how they escaped! Genius, right?
DELTA: I said shut up.

DELTA pulls MINERVA to her feet and marches her DS. DELTA points

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his gun at MINERVA (this is the first time a gun is pointed.) MINERVA
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puts her hands above her head. The other HOSTAGES scream.

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GAMMA: Delta, what are you doing? Leave her alone!
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MINERVA: Don’t you want to hear the moral of the story?

DELTA: Go ahead.
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MINERVA: See, most people think the takeaway is there’s no situation
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you can’t think your way out of. But I interpret a different lesson.
DELTA: Which is?
MINERVA: (Smiling.) If you’re going to herd sheep, be sure to check
their bellies.

Suddenly, ALL HOSTAGES reveal themselves to be undercover FBI

AGENTS by lifting up their shirts to show weapons that have been
hidden, tucked into their waistlines. ALL AGENTS draw the weapons
suddenly and through a series of specialized moves, disarm and
subdue ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA.

GAMMA: What is this?

AGENT ONE: FBI! Down on the ground!
AGENT TWO: Drop your weapons!
AGENT THREE: We have you surrounded!
ALPHA: Whoa, whoa! Don’t shoot––you’ve got us.
DELTA: Alpha!
ALPHA: Stand down, you two. We’ll come quietly.
AGENT ONE: Alright. Get them up.
12 PANDEMONIUM

Other AGENTS pull ALPHA, GAMMA, and DELTA US to search them

and put them in handcuffs. ARTEMIS enters.

MINERVA: (Brushing herself off.) Well that was exciting.

AGENT TWO: That was quite a risk you took.
AGENT THREE: Are you alright?
ARTEMIS: Stand down, Agents. It’d take more than that to fluster
Minerva Owler.
AGENT ONE: Yes, ma’am! Oh, Miss Owler, this is Special Agent––
MINERVA: Artemis Hunt.
AGENT TWO: You two know each other?

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ARTEMIS: (With a smirk.) In passing. Someone want to give a report
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here?
AGENT THREE: Yes, ma’am. Operation was a total success––no

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casualties. r
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ARTEMIS: (ARTEMIS shakes MINERVA’S hand.) I can’t thank you

enough for tipping us off. These three have been linked to a number
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of high profile robberies in the past few years. Getting them is a big
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deal for my department.

MINERVA: Anything for the Feds.
AGENT THREE: This “undercover hostage” routine was a real winner.
How did you come up with that, anyway?
MINERVA: Didn’t you listen to my story? (Putting on jacket, turning to
ARTEMIS.) It’s late, and I have to get up for work tomorrow. Can I
go?
ARTEMIS: Officially, you were never here.
MINERVA: As per usual.

As MINERVA exits, she gives a smile to DELTA, who shakes her head
in disgust. DELTA and GAMMA are dragged off SR.

ARTEMIS: The offer still stands, by the way! I think you would make a
great federal agent.
MINERVA: (Shrugging.) I made a great cop, too. But I’m done with all
that. See ya, Cuz.
ARTEMIS: See ya.
 JD ATKINS 13

MINERVA exits.

AGENT THREE: (Interested.) Agent Hunt, is she your cousin?

ARTEMIS: More or less.
AGENT THREE: She’s a little funny, isn’t she? No offense, ma’am.
ARTEMIS: (Wryly.) You should meet the rest of my family. Alright
everyone, let’s move out. Take them around back.
AGENT TWO: Yes, ma’am.

ARTEMIS exits SR. ALL AGENTS start moving ALPHA, GAMMA, and
DELTA.

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AGENT ONE: Alright, Alpha. Let’s get you to lock up.
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ALPHA: I want my phone call.
AGENT ONE: When we get there.

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STYX, a Secret Service type, enters through the back door SL.
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STYX: I’ll take it from here, thank you.
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AGENT ONE: Whoa––back it up. Where did you come from?

AGENT TWO: Who are you?
STYX: Legal counsel. Now if you don’t mind, my client and I will leave.

STYX removes her sunglasses, slowly.

AGENT ONE: Listen, pal, we need to get your client processed before
anyone––

STYX opens her eyes. SFX: a low tone and a flicker of the lights.

AGENT ONE: …anyone… anyone…. What was I saying?

STYX: You were about to turn over my client.
AGENT TWO: (Suddenly dazed.) Oh… right. (Removing handcuffs.)
Here you go.
STYX: Thank you.

STYX grabs ALPHA by the shoulder and leads her to the door.
14 PANDEMONIUM

ALPHA: Listen, Styx, about the job––

STYX: We’ll talk later, Alpha. (Answers cell phone.) Hello? No, it
wasn’t here. (Beat.) I understand. Move it, Alpha. Pandemonium will
proceed on schedule.

ALPHA and STYX exit.

AGENT ONE: (Dazed, looking around.) What were we doing here

again?

ALL AGENTS are dumbfounded as well. Dazed, they wander offstage.

Lights shift.

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ACT ONE, SCENE 2

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AT START: Office of Owler Inquiries. Lights up, ALEX is hurriedly

attempting to tidy up the bottles and put them in a garbage bag. He is
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clearly frustrated with the dilapidated state of the office. SFX: the phone
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rings; ALEX runs over to answer it.

ALEX: Owler Inquiries… oh, how can I help, Officer? (Pause.) No, I’m
sorry, Miss Owler isn’t in yet. I can deliver a message––(Beat.)––
uh, just off of 22nd street, building 114. The name on the buzzer is
Minerva Owler. (Beat.) OK, see you then.

MINERVA enters, looking run-down. She is dressed in “grunge,” a

flannel, perhaps, with fashion tears in her jeans. She has an alternative
hairstyle and is wearing sunglasses over her eyes. She has a diet soda
in one hand and a rolled magazine in the other.

MINERVA: Morning Alex.

ALEX: (Straightening up.) Good morning, Miss Owler. Well, uh…
(Checking his watch.) …good afternoon, I suppose.
MINERVA: (Feigning frustration.) Ah, shoot. How close was I today?
ALEX: I mean… it’s 1:30 so… not that close.
MINERVA: How you manage to get here every morning is beyond me.
ALEX: I wake up before 11:30.
 JD ATKINS 15

MINERVA: I had a busy night. Didn’t get to sleep until after 3.

ALEX: Partying hard, I suppose?
MINERVA: You know me. Anyway, let’s get going.

ALEX shuffles around and picks up a notepad and pen.

ALEX: You’ve had about a half dozen calls… all potential clients for
Owler Inquiries.
MINERVA: (Sitting on her desk.) Anything interesting?
ALEX: Well that would be up to you…. (Riffling around.) First is a
carjacking down on tenth… the cops have no leads so they sent it
our way.

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MINERVA: Pass.
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ALEX: Absolutely. I thought that might be a little dull. OK, next…
there’s a doctor in Midtown who wants to find her adoptive parents.

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She’s offering a lot of money.
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MINERVA: (Considers this for a moment.) Pass. Next?

ALEX: OK…. (About to flip the page, hesitates.) You heard what I said
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about the money, right? I can give you the specifics.
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MINERVA: Moving on, Alex.

ALEX: Yes, ma’am. (Flips the page and seems excited.) Oh! The next
call I have for you is––I think you’re going to be interested. (With a
storyteller’s drama.) A married couple in Brooklyn thinks that
someone is spying on them. Now, my theory is––
MINERVA: Are they dentists?
ALEX: Uh, let me check…. (Amazed.) Wow. Yeah, they are!
MINERVA: Pass.
ALEX: Wait, Miss Owler––how did you know––
MINERVA: Pass, Alex. Hard pass.
ALEX: (Indignant.) I didn’t even tell you how much they’re offering.
MINERVA: Alex, I know this is only your second week here, but I was
hoping by now you would understand that when I say pass, I mean
pass!
ALEX: (Gently closes the notepad.) Miss Owler, I don’t mean to
question your judgement, but since you hired me to be your
partner––
MINERVA: Assistant.
16 PANDEMONIUM

ALEX: Right. Well since you hired me, you have yet to take on a single
case. What sort of a business is this if you don’t take any clients?
MINERVA: (Digging in the drawer.) First of all––it’s not your job to
worry about what cases I do and do not take. Second of all, I only
take interesting clients, and lately, none of them are worth my time.
ALEX: I think you might be too picky, ma’am. How will you clear
expenses without a revenue?
MINERVA: What expenses?
ALEX: Well you have to pay rent, I assume. There’s utilities, office
supplies, not to mention all the diet soda you drink. Oh, and my
salary of course. (A sudden look of concern.). Wait… you are going
to pay me for this job, right?

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MINERVA: Alex.
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ALEX: (Aghast, to himself.) How have we never discussed me getting
paid?

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MINERVA: Alex! r
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ALEX: Yes, ma’am.

MINERVA: Is there more to this lecture?
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ALEX: (Recomposing.) Yes, ma’am. When I applied to work for a
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Private Investigator, I expected there would be at least a little

excitement; some experience I could use when I apply for the Police
Academy. But so far all I’ve done is sit at a phone and told people,
who need help, to go away.
MINERVA: A valuable skill for any young man to learn.
ALEX: (Sarcastic.) Ha-ha. You know, when I told my dad who I was
going to work for he was over the moon. According to him, you were
the most talented rookie to ever come through the Academy. He
said you made Detective faster than anyone he ever trained.
MINERVA: Oh yeah?
ALEX: He told me the day you gave up the badge was a sad day for
New York. (MINERVA laughs at this.) Well, laugh if you want; but
I’m still hoping I get to see you in action.
MINERVA: Action is overrated, Alex. Trust me on that one.
ALEX: Whatever you say, ma’am.

MINERVA leans back in her chair and gingerly places a magazine over
her face.
 JD ATKINS 17

MINERVA: Any other calls I should be aware of? Or am I safe to start

my nap?
ALEX: No… oh, wait, yes. We did get a call from NYPD. A sergeant
called ahead to say he would be stopping by to see you.
MINERVA: Why?
ALEX: I assume to offer you another case that you’ll immediately turn
down. I told him he could just call back, but he insisted on coming
over.

SERGEANT MARS, a middle-aged Police Officer, enters the office.

MINERVA: What was the Sergeant's name?

rm fo l
MARS: Mars.
rfo ot sa
ALEX jumps at the voice and nearly falls out of his chair, then stands

ce
to attention. MINERVA grabs the magazine from off of her face and sits
r
pe N ru

up slowly. She does not look pleased.

an
MARS: Sorry, kid. Didn’t mean to scare you.
Pe

ALEX: Uh, Ms. Owler, I assume this would be Sergeant Mars of the
New York––
MINERVA: Who let you in here?
MARS: Nice to see you too, Minnie.
MINERVA: Don’t call me that. (Jumps up from her desk and assumes
an aggressive posture.) I asked you how you got in here. I keep the
front door locked.
ALEX: You do? But then how are potential customers supposed to….
(Realizing.) Ohhhhhh.
MINERVA: Answer the question, Mars.
MARS: Relax, you’re going to scare the kid. (Points to ALEX.). Aren’t
you even going to introduce me?
MINERVA: Alex, meet Sergeant Mars. Sergeant Mars, don’t break into
my office and tell me to relax. I’ll ask you again: Who let you in here?
MARS: (Sighing.) Kid. Kid let me in.
ALEX: What? No I didn’t.
MARS: (Waving ALEX off, pointing over his shoulder.). Not you, kid.
Her Kid.
18 PANDEMONIUM

SFX: portal opening. Behind ALEX a sound emanates and a light

behind the bathroom door illuminates. KID, wearing an EMT jacket and
hat, emerges.

KID: Hi.

ALEX jumps and falls over from fear. KID laughs and reaches to help
ALEX up.

KID: I’m Kid Mercury. You OK? If I gave you a heart attack I know how
to help.
ALEX: (Refusing KID’S hand, retreating over to MINERVA.) Ms.

rm fo l
Owler, I swear I did not let these people in. (Pointing at KID.) How
rfo ot sa
did she get in there? I haven’t left my desk since I got here! ...Have
you been hiding in the bathroom all morning? (Rushes over to check

ce
in the bathroom.)
r
pe N ru

KID: Hey! I haven’t disconnected the portal yet––(Unable to stop

ALEX.). Uh oh.
an
Pe

As soon as ALEX crosses the threshold, SFX: a mystical warp/whoosh

sound, followed by the sounds of a heart monitor and air compressor.
A woman shrieks.

ALEX: Sorry! (Comes back into the room and closes the door behind
him. In shock.) Our bathroom is a hospital.
MINERVA: (Aggravated.) Kid, would you please disconnect your
portal?
KID: Sorry.

KID runs over and knocks on the door three times. The portal closes.
The sound of the heart monitor and air compressor ceases and the
lights now appear normal.

KID: There. All fixed.

ALEX: Why is our bathroom a hospital?
KID: It’s not.
 JD ATKINS 19

ALEX: The hell it isn’t! I just saw! (Runs in again to inspect the
bathroom, which by the light has now returned to normal. From
offstage.) What?!
MARS: (Amused.) Who is this kid?
KID: How should I know?
MARS: No; I meant who is this young man, Minnie?
MINERVA: I said don’t call me that!

ALEX reappears, looking shocked.

MINERVA: Alex, relax. Everything is OK. Just come sit down over
here.

rm fo l
ALEX: How did you do that? That was a hospital room.
rfo ot sa
KID: Well now it’s a bathroom again. Ta-da!
MARS: (Pushier now.) Who’s the mortal, Minerva?

ce
ALEX: I’m her partner. Wait, what do you mean mortal?
r
pe N ru

MINERVA: He’s my assistant. And would you cool it? (Significantly.)

He doesn’t know.
an
MARS: Well if you don’t want him to know, better get rid of him now.
Pe

MINERVA: Oh yeah, fat lot of good that will do now after Kid’s grand
entrance. Just once, Kid, couldn’t you have come over in a taxi like
a normal person?
KID: My hospital is all the way across town.
MARS: Minerva, we have something important to tell you.
MINERVA: I don’t want to hear it.
MARS: Minnie, please––
MINERVA: (Finally blowing up.) I told you not to call me that!

A silence falls, and ALL regard one another cautiously. MINERVA’s

outburst seems to have rattled something. MINERVA closes her eyes
and puts a hand to her temple.

MARS: (Sighs.) Well, this is off to a fantastic start. I suppose it was

foolish of me to come over and think we could just pick up where
we left off, but part of me was hoping you would at least be a little
glad to see us after all this time.
MINERVA: I’m thrilled.
20 PANDEMONIUM

ALEX: Miss Owler… (MINERVA does not respond, but ALEX is

persistent.) Miss Owler? Who are these people?
MARS: Can he be trusted?
MINERVA: His father was our training officer at the Police Academy.
MARS: You’re Homer’s kid? Well then in that case, what are you
waiting for? Just tell him!
MINERVA: Fine. (Turns to face ALEX.) You want to be a detective like
me, Alex? Then have a guess. You’ve spent two weeks with me,
you heard our conversation and you’ve seen what Kid can do. What
would you say we are?
ALEX: (Thinking about it.) OK… she has supernatural powers…
you’re all talking like you belong to a secret organization… and

rm fo l
Sergeant Mars said your “kind” are different than I am. (Something
rfo ot sa
dawns on him.) Your names… you introduced yourself as Kid
Mercury. You… Sergeant Mars. And you’re… Minerva. Oh, man.

ce
There’s no way.
r
pe N ru

MINERVA: That’s right, Alex. We’re all––

MINERVA: (Simultaneously with ALEX.) ––gods.
an
ALEX: (Simultaneously with MINERVA.) ––wizards.
Pe

ALEX: (Continued.) Gods. Right, that’s exactly what I was thinking.

KID: (Highly amused.) Did he just say wizards?
ALEX: Wait, what do you mean “gods?”
MINERVA: We’re the classical pantheon, dummy; the gods of
Olympus that you learned about in school. Sergeant Mars is the god
of war, Kid Mercury is the messenger god. I’m Minerva, you may
have guessed, god of wisdom.

ALEX immediately laughs, but seeing that MINERVA is not kidding,

looks around to MARS and KID, who nod and confirm what MINERVA
is saying.

ALEX: You’re joking, right? There’s no way! (Confident, almost

laughing.) Ms. Owler, I’m not that gullible. The gods of Olympus are
a myth.
MINERVA: Oh, but Harry Potter is real? Go stand in the corner.

MINERVA begins shoving ALEX back toward his desk.

 JD ATKINS 21

ALEX: You would all have to be thousands of years old!

MINERVA: Enough. Stand over there and don’t talk. I need to speak
with my family.
ALEX: You seriously expect me to believe that my boss for the past
two weeks is a god? A god who drinks diet soda and wears hi-top
sneakers.
MINERVA: Mars, will you please help me with this?
ALEX: Oh! Yes, god of war, meet me on the field of battle. You know,
it’s OK if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, Miss Owler, but
don’t insult my intelligence by telling me some crackpot––
MARS: (A la drill instructor.) Attention!
ALEX: Salutate Generalis! (Leaps to attention, then covers his mouth

rm fo l
reflexively and looks from person to person. Meekly.) Did I just
rfo ot sa
speak Latin?
MARS: Soldier: march!

ce
ALEX: Etiam, Generalis! (Begins marching a high step. Points
r
pe N ru

confusedly at his legs.) I’m not doing that.

MARS: Move out!
an
ALEX: Ahhh! (Shouts as his legs seem to carry him away.) What’s
Pe

happening? Where am I going? Miss Owler!

MINERVA: Bye, Alex.
KID: Tell him to get us coffee.
MARS: Get us coffee, soldier!
ALEX: Etiam, Generalis! (Exits.)
KID: I like that guy. He’s funny.
MINERVA: He’s not going to walk into traffic, is he?
MARS: He’ll be fine. Listen… about why we came over.
MINERVA: It must be pretty important if you decided to break a silence
of five years.
KID: Minerva… Zeus is dead.

This stops MINERVA in her tracks.

MINERVA: What?
KID: Zeus––Dad––he died late last night.
MINERVA: Zeus is… dead? (Processing.) Are you sure?
KID: (Tugging on his jacket.) EMT, remember? I was on the scene.
MARS: I was there too. It was Dad… and he was gone.
22 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: (In shock.) I don’t believe this…. It’s not possible.

KID: Of course it’s possible. We all knew this was a possibility when
we decided to cross over into the mortal world.
MARS: Human bodies means human problems, Minerva.
MINERVA: I know, Mars.
MARS: Up to and including mortality.
MINERVA: I know, Mars. (Stares MARS down.) I know exactly how
vulnerable we are. I will never forget it.
MARS: (Backtracking.) Fair enough. Look, Minerva, I didn’t come here
to drag up ancient history. I just figured, you aren’t as “in the know”
as you used to be, and someone ought to tell you what happened.
MINERVA: (Smirks.) That’s not why you came here. You’re here

rm fo l
because Dad was murdered.
rfo ot sa
MARS and KID share a look.

ce
r
pe N ru

KID: Neither of us said anything about murder.

MINERVA: Oh, please. I smelled it on you the minute you walked in
an
the door. It couldn’t have been more obvious.
Pe

MARS: Oh no?
MINERVA: (Scoffs.) You could have called, you could have texted, but
no, you took the trouble to come all the way uptown for a face to
face. That means you want something from me. And you brought
Kid with you, so whatever you want must be really important. It’s
harder for me to turn her down because she’s a lot nicer than you
are.
MARS: Thanks.
KID: Thanks!
MINERVA: You’ve also been clutching your notebook since you
walked in the door, Mars. You only did that when you had a case
you couldn’t solve. Zeus’s death was a murder, and you want my
help to solve it. Am I right?
KID: (Smiling.) I think she’s onto us, Mars.
MARS: Fine. You caught me.
MINERVA: Well you can forget it. (Crosses to get her jacket.)
KID: Wait… just like that? You’re out?
MINERVA: I’m a P.I. now, Kid. I’ll leave homicide to the real detectives.
 JD ATKINS 23

MARS: You were the best detective we ever had. You’re the best
detective on earth!
MINERVA: That is true.
KID: You can’t keep blaming yourself for what happened back then; at
some point you have to get back in the game.
MINERVA: That is not true.
KID: Minerva, there’s more to this. Mars wasn’t done telling you––
MINERVA: Don’t care!
MARS: Minerva––
MINERVA: Goodbye, Mars.
MARS: (Forcefully.) Minerva the murderer is one of us. (This stops
MINERVA. Continuing slowly.) Think about it. Dad was as secretive

rm fo l
as it gets. So far as anyone knew, he was just a humble, doddering
rfo ot sa
old museum curator. The only enemies he had were––
MINERVA: Gods.

ce
MARS: Gods. r
pe N ru

Both KID and MARS look to MINERVA expectantly.

an
Pe

MARS: So.
MINERVA: So?
MARS: So what’s our next move?

MINERVA contemplates this for a moment, hanging between two

courses of action. Ultimately she shakes her head.

MINERVA: No. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t go through this again.
MARS: Minerva––
MINERVA: Good luck, Mars.
MARS: Minerva, please! This won’t be like last time.
MINERVA: (Sadly.) You’re right. I won’t be involved. Goodbye. (Exits.)
KID: What now?
MARS: I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. (Pointing.) Coffee’s here.

At this moment, ALEX enters, holding a tray of coffee, still marching.

KID: How’d it go?

24 PANDEMONIUM

ALEX: This was really hard to explain to the barista. Can I stop now,
please?
MARS: At ease, soldier.
ALEX: (Stops, sits, and starts rubbing his legs.) How did you do that?
Get me to speak Latin? Go to the coffee shop?

MARS rolls up his sleeve and reveals a leather bracelet.

MARS: See this wristband? It’s a sacred artifact from Olympus. It

guarantees my combat orders are never disobeyed.
ALEX: (Examining the wristband.) That’s incredible. Do you have an
artifact, too, Kid?

rm fo l
KID: We all have one. The artifacts are our last connection to who we
rfo ot sa
were as gods.
MARS: Here. (Helps ALEX to his feet.) Sorry about the marching

ce
orders, but it seemed like the easiest way to prove we weren’t lying.
r
pe N ru

ALEX: You really are them. The gods.

MARS: The twelve Olympians, right here in good old New York. Pretty
an
cool, right?
Pe

ALEX: Well it’s… unbelievable. I’ve been working for the actual
goddess of wisdom. (Suddenly remembering.) Was Miss Owler
alright? I bumped into her on the stairs, and she looked upset.
KID: She’s––processing. We had to deliver some pretty bad news.
MARS: Our father was found dead this morning.
ALEX: Oh no… I’m sorry. Truly, I am.
MARS: Thank you. We were hoping to get Minerva to help us find out
what happened to him, but I guess it was too much to ask.
ALEX: Really? Because she told me said she was off somewhere to
work on a case––
MARS: ––What? Did she say where she was going?
ALEX: (Rolling his eyes.) Of course not. She gave me a vague and
meaningless answer as usual. I asked where she was going and
she said to see the Treasures of the Immortals.
MARS: What did you say?
ALEX: Treasures of the Immortals.
MARS: Kid––that’s the name of Dad’s wing!
KID: (Jubilant.) I knew she wouldn’t let us down!
ALEX: I’m confused. Where is she going?
 JD ATKINS 25

KID: Treasures of the Immortals is the exhibit our father curated at the
museum!
MARS: It’s also where he was found dead this morning. It means she’s
taken the case after all.
KID: (Dancing around, singing.) She’s on the case. She’s on the case.
Wait. So what do we do, Mars?
MARS: One of us should go help her. She won’t get past our police
barricade without an escort.
KID: Here.

KID walks over to the bathroom door and knocks on it again. SFX:
portal opening. A sound emanates and a light behind the door

rm fo l
illuminates.
rfo ot sa
KID: You go. Maybe the two of you can work the old police magic.

ce
MARS: Thanks. Where will you go?
r
pe N ru

KID: Well… we both know there’s more family that hasn’t heard the
news about Dad.
an
MARS: Oh. (Meaningful.) Good luck with that.
Pe

The door shuts behind MARS. The portal closes. The sound ceases,
the light appears normal behind the door. ALEX walks back over to the
door and examines it again.

ALEX: I don’t think I will ever get used to that. I suppose that’s your
messenger god power?
KID: The caduceus. (Points to the back of her jacket.) When I’m
wearing it, all doors are open to me. Basically, all I have to do is
knock, and I can make portals to wherever I want.
ALEX: That’s incredible. Hey, you said all the gods have a power?
KID: Yeah. Zeus let us keep one power when we crossed over and
became mortal. Mars has his bracelet, I have my doors…
ALEX: Well what about Ms. Owler? I’ve never seen her use a power.
Does she have an artifact too?
KID: Yeah. The helm of wisdom.
ALEX: I’ve never seen a helmet.
26 PANDEMONIUM

KID: She… (Hesitant.) she gave it up. Years ago. It’s sort of a long
story. Anyway… I should get going. I still have a few more of the
family to inform. (Gets to the door, but turns back.). You wouldn’t
want to come with, would you?
ALEX: Me? Sure! I mean, yes, I would love to meet some of the other
gods.
KID: Well then let’s go!

KID knocks on the door. SFX: portal opening. A sound emanates and
a light behind the door illuminates. Then KID nods to ALEX. ALEX and
KID exit through the portal. Lights fade to black.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ACT ONE, SCENE 3

ce
AT START: Metropolitan Museum. Lights up on the interior, decorated
r
pe N ru

with relics of Greek and Roman culture. A sign proclaims that this is
the Treasures of the Immortals exhibit. VENUS and BACCHUS are
an
walking this way and that, pointing and helping to rearrange the Greek
Pe

and Roman art, directing the LOVE DRUNK EMPLOYEES. A

SECURITY GUARD, wearing sunglasses, is at the door denying entry.
MINERVA enters wearing sunglasses.

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma’am. This wing is closed for a private

event. Can’t let you in without an ID badge.
MINERVA: (Removing Sunglasses.) What are you talking about? This
is a crime scene.
SECURITY GUARD: OK, then I can’t let you in without a police badge.
MINERVA: Your boss told me to meet him here.
SECURITY GUARD: (Looking MINERVA over.) Nice try, but you
aren’t really his type.

MINERVA knocks SECURITY GUARD’S hand away and grabs him by

the collar.

MINERVA: Touch me again and you’ll see exactly what type I am.
 JD ATKINS 27

VENUS: (Walks over, drink in hand.) Alright, let’s all calm down. It’s
OK, she’s family.
MINERVA: (Cold.) Hello, Venus.
VENUS: Hello, Cousin! It’s been, what, five years?
MINERVA: Yeah, thereabouts. Hello, Bacchus.
BACCHUS: Cousin! I can’t believe it. Last time I saw you, you were in
a much cuter outfit.
MINERVA: It was a police uniform.
BACCHUS: Well it was a darling blue.
MINERVA: Last time I saw you, you were knee deep in champagne
and caviar. No offense, but what are you two doing in a museum?
VENUS: Haven’t you heard? Cousin Bacchus and I started a business

rm fo l
together.
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: Oh, really. And what sort of business did the god of love
and the god of wine create?

ce
BACCHUS: Event planning! Our company hosts the best soirees in
r
pe N ru

New York. Here’s a card. (Hands MINERVA a business card.)

MINERVA: “The Love Drunk Party Company.” That sounds like a
an
Beyoncé cover band.
Pe

BACCHUS: (Oblivious to the insult.) Thank you. Anyway, that’s why I

find myself here of all places. Our company was asked to plan the
museum gala! It’s tonight. So much to do.
MINERVA: A gala? Here?
VENUS: That’s right.
MINERVA: Then I guess you haven’t heard the news, yet.
VENUS: About Zeus? Of course I did. Why do you think I’m so
distraught?
MINERVA: I didn’t know you two were that close.
VENUS: We weren’t. But now I have to replan the entire event so that
it will reflect Zeus’s achievements and honor his memory! Can you
believe it? The nerve.
MINERVA: Yeah… it was real inconsiderate of him to drop dead like
that.
VENUS: Exactly. But we soldier on. As Bacchus always says,
VENUS and BACCHUS: “The party stops for no one.” (Giggle.)
MINERVA: That sounds exhausting.
28 PANDEMONIUM

VENUS: We manage. I think it’s what Zeus would have wanted.

MINERVA: You two are aware, I suppose, that Zeus’s body was found
in this very room?
VENUS: Yes.
MINERVA: And you had access to this wing of the museum last night,
I presume. You know, for planning purposes.
VENUS: Me and a dozen people that work for me, sweetie. Hold on…
don’t tell me you’re investigating this. (MINERVA shrugs.) Well,
well, well. Detective Owler is at it again. I’ll try not to get in your way.
MINERVA: To be honest, I’m surprised you two are here at all.
Shouldn’t this be a crime scene?
BACCHUS: Probably. Our employer got the cops to speed things
along.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: Your employer…?

ce
PERSEPHONE and IRIS enter.
r
pe N ru

PERSEPHONE: The Cerberus Corporation. (Takes the room.) How

an
are things going with the modifications, Venus?
Pe

VENUS: Well, I’m doing my best, Persephone, but I’m not a miracle
worker. Oh, who am I kidding, yes I am. We’ll be fine.
MINERVA: Persephone. I should have known. Who better to plan a
funeral than the queen of the underworld?
PERSEPHONE: Ex-queen. But yes, it seemed only natural that we
handle the details of Zeus’s memorial.
IRIS: That will be all for now, Miss Venus.
VENUS: But we’re nowhere near finished––
PERSEPHONE: Venus. Bacchus.
BACCHUS: Oh, fine. We can work on the foyer I suppose. Love
Drunks, (Claps.) heel!

Exit VENUS, with LOVE DRUNK EMPLOYEES. BACCHUS boogies

out behind them.

MINERVA: Did he just call his employees the “Love Drunks?”

PERSEPHONE: Yes, he did. (To IRIS.) Go see that they don’t make
a mess of the place, please. Can I offer you a drink, Minerva?
 JD ATKINS 29

MINERVA: No, thanks. It’s a little early for that.

PERSEPHONE: Right. I rather lost track of time, I’m afraid. We’ve
been up all night with grief.
MINERVA: We?
PERSEPHONE: My beloved husband and me, of course.
MINERVA: Oh, of course. How is Uncle Pluto, these days? Missing
the underworld?
PERSEPHONE: Not especially. We’ve traded dominion over hell for
dominion over Manhattan.
MINERVA: Yeah, I suppose that’s pretty much the same thing.
PERSEPHONE: Cerberus has become the most successful private
security company in the world. But you already knew that. You also

rm fo l
knew that I had access to the museum last night because our
rfo ot sa
employees are guards here. And you know that my husband and I
were not on the best of terms with his dear departed brother.

ce
MINERVA: I did?
r
pe N ru

PERSEPHONE: Of course you did.

MINERVA: You give me too much credit, Persephone. I gave up being
an
the goddess of wisdom a long time ago.
Pe

PERSEPHONE: (Laugh.) As much as you could ever give up your

godly powers, dear girl, you’re still the greatest detective in NYPD
history.
MINERVA: Yeah, well, I gave that up too.
PERSEPHONE: I know. But this is your father we’re talking about, so
why don’t we skip to the part where you ask me what you really
want.
MINERVA: Fine. Where were you last night?
PERSEPHONE: Minerva, the police haven’t even announced a cause
of death. How can you be sure it was foul play?
MINERVA: I’m not… but this was a potential crime scene, and now it’s
been scrubbed remarkably fast. Oh, but I’m sure you only decided
to force my father’s wake onto this museum gala because…
PERSEPHONE: (Defensive.) Because the museum was Zeus’s life.
This exhibit was his life’s work. It seemed a fitting tribute.
MINERVA: Where were you last night?
PERSEPHONE: Darling, you’re not the police, you said so yourself.
As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have to tell you anything.
30 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: No, but if you have nothing to hide––

PERSEPHONE: Not wanting to talk to you does not mean I’m hiding
something. It just means that I don’t want to waste my time with our
family’s biggest bore. (Appraising MINERVA’S appearance.) You
know, seeing you like this, seeing what has become of you… it
makes you wonder why Zeus ever brought us here.
MINERVA: Yeah, well, when I figure it out, I’ll tell you.
IRIS: Ma’am, you’re needed in the lobby, and your husband is on line
one.
PERSEPHONE: If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a wake to plan. (Begins
to walk away.) Security!

rm fo l
SECURITY GUARD comes forward to grab MINERVA away.
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: I’m glad to see that Pluto finally came to his senses and

ce
started treating you like an equal. The Cerberus Corporation was
r
pe N ru

your idea, wasn’t it? And now he’s promoted you from housewife to
party planner.
an
PERSEPHONE: (Cutting as deep as she can.) I know it’s short notice,
Pe

but the whole family is invited to come tonight. Could you do me a

favor and tell Paul––oh, that’s right.

PERSEPHONE and IRIS exit SL. MINERVA is outraged and attempts

to wrestle away from the SECURITY GUARD to attack
PERSEPHONE. MINERVA subdues, SECURITY GUARD, but MARS
runs in and intervenes before MINERVA can get away.

MARS: Hey, hey, hey! Settle it down.

MINERVA: I’m going to kill her!
MARS: Calm down, Minerva! Paul would never want you to––
MINERVA: Don’t say his name!

A moment passes, and MINERVA sees that she has hurt MARS.

MINERVA: I’m sorry.

MARS: I was close with him, too, Minerva.
MINERVA: I know.
 JD ATKINS 31

MARS: I served with him just as much––

MINERVA: I know! I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean to snap at you.
MARS: Fine. What did you find out?
MINERVA: There’s a museum gala tonight sponsored by the Cerberus
Corporation. They’re holding it here, and apparently they’ve decided
to go ahead with it despite the fact that the curator was murdered.
MARS: It’s not officially a murder yet, Minerva. Autopsy hasn’t come
back.
MINERVA: We both know it was. Pluto always hated Dad, even in the
old days. And now he’s effectively scrubbed the crime scene by
throwing a party.
MARS: Are you saying you suspect Pluto?

rm fo l
MINERVA: Wouldn’t you?
rfo ot sa
MARS: Yes! I would! For Pete’s sake, his god artifact is literally a
poison chalice; of course I suspect him! Listen, Minerva––you’re

ce
just repeating stuff I already knew. And you would have known it too
r
pe N ru

if you had agreed to be my partner on this!

MINERVA: (Dismissive.) I don’t need a partner. And I don’t need you
an
to tell me how to be a detective. (Begins to exit.)
Pe

MARS: Evidently, you do. You’re acting like a rookie. Hey! Where are
you going?
MINERVA: What do you mean? I have a gala to attend.

MINERVA and MARS exit. SECURITY GUARD walks forward. Enter

STYX, who crosses to meet SECURITY GUARD.

STYX: Report.
SECURITY GUARD: She came here just like you said.
STYX: Did you let her snoop around?
SECURITY GUARD: Yes, ma’am.
STYX: Good. Here’s your money. (Hands off money.) Oh, one more
thing.

STYX removes SECURITY GUARD’S sunglasses, SFX: low tone

emanates and light flickers.
32 PANDEMONIUM

STYX: (Using powers.) I was never here.

SECURITY GUARD: (Rubbing his temples, squinting.) What are
you… huh?

SECURITY GUARD exits, dazed, while STYX pulls out her phone.

STYX: This is Styx… everything is according to plan. Very well,

master. We will begin phase two.

Blackout.

rm fo l ACT ONE, SCENE 4

rfo ot sa
AT START: Bookstore. Lights up on the interior, set up for an

ce
autograph signing. At a table SL, NEPTUNE is signing autographs with
r
pe N ru

his FANS. DORIS stands off to the side watching.

an
FAN ONE: Make it out to Helen.
Pe

NEPTUNE: You got it, compadre.

NEPTUNE signs, then hands the autograph book to FAN TWO.

FAN TWO: Thank you so much. We love you.

FAN ONE and FAN TWO cross DS.

FAN ONE: What does it say? What did he write?

FAN TWO: (Checks inscription.) “Make it out to Helen.”

FAN ONE and FAN TWO share a disappointed look and exit, while
other FANS continue getting their books inscribed. Enter KID and
ALEX through the SR door, chased by VULCAN.

VULCAN: And stay out, Mercury! I never want to see your face in my
forge ever again! As for you––(Suddenly pleasant.) it was a
pleasure to meet you. Come back any time.
 JD ATKINS 33

VULCAN gives KID the evil eye, and exits. ALEX and KID recompose
and get in line.

ALEX: Hasn’t your family heard that thing about not shooting the
messenger?
KID: I coined that phrase. Hasn’t helped.
ALEX: I have to say, this has been one of the craziest days of my life.
KID: I bet! In one morning we’ve been to Tokyo, Peru, Kenya…
ALEX: You forgot Arizona. [Or insert other state.]
KID: I didn’t forget, it just makes the list sound less impressive.
Anyway, how are you feeling about it all?
ALEX: A little shaken up to be honest. You realize you’re all basically

rm fo l
superheroes, right?
rfo ot sa
KID: Yeah. It’s pretty great.
ALEX: Only, if it were me, I wouldn’t hide. Being an EMT is good and

ce
all, but if I could do what you can do I think I’d be shouting from the
r
pe N ru

rooftops.
KID: (Thoughtfully.) Well… we did that, once upon a time. Gods on
an
high, the shining Olympians, we shall make our countenance to
Pe

shine down upon you, blah blah blah.

ALEX: Ancient Greece.
KID: And Rome. Back then, we only cared about ourselves. But when
we crossed over this time, Zeus made it clear that our new purpose
was to use our abilities to help people.
ALEX: (Understanding.) Which is why so many of you became public
servants.
KID: Exactly. We’re trying to do better this time around. Although some
of us took Zeus’s mission a little more seriously than others.
Speaking of…
ALEX: Yeah, where are we, anyway? What are we waiting in line for?
KID: Our last stop is my Uncle Neptune.
ALEX: Ah, the god of the sea. He’s one of the big three: Hades,
Poseidon, and Zeus.
KID: (Sarcastic.) Thanks, Percy Jackson. I didn’t know that about my
dad and uncles.
ALEX: Sorry.
KID: Just try to keep your cool when we meet him, OK? Like I said,
some of the family didn’t take that whole “low-profile” thing to heart.
34 PANDEMONIUM

ALEX: What’s that supposed to mean? Is he famous or something?

They have arrived at the front of the line. ALEX catches a glimpse of
NEPTUNE.

ALEX: Oh my god it’s Johnny Neptune!! Your uncle is Johnny

Neptune?!
KID: Keep it together.
ALEX: He’s the greatest professional surfer in the world. Your uncle
is the greatest professional surfer in the world. I had a poster of him
on my wall when I was twelve! Wait, the god of the sea is a
professional surfer? That seems like cheating. Is that cheating? You

rm fo l
know what? I don’t care. I have to meet him and get him to
rfo ot sa
autograph my arm. Excuse me, Mr. Neptune!

ce
ALEX runs forward and is accosted by DORIS. ALEX is surprised as
r
pe N ru

DORIS easily puts him into a submission hold.

an
DORIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I did NOT tell you to approach!
Pe

ALEX: GAH! (In pain.) Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
DORIS: Hands out, buddy. Let me see those hands.
ALEX: Two hands!
KID: I tried to warn you.
DORIS: (Noticing KID.) Kid? Is that you?
KID: Hi, Doris! Long time no see.
DORIS: No kidding! How’s everything at the hospital? Is Dr. Manvi still
around?
KID: No, she took a job at County a few months back.
ALEX: Hey! Did you two forget something?
KID: Oh yeah! Where are my manners? Alex, this is Doris, Neptune’s
longtime bodyguard.
DORIS: What’s up?
ALEX: Hey.

NEPTUNE spots KID and ALEX as the last FAN leaves and crosses to
them. He is a classic California surfer and talks as such.
 JD ATKINS 35

NEPTUNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy, Doris, hands off the fans! What
did we talk about? Breathe. (Demonstrating deep breathing.)
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
DORIS: I know how to breathe, sir.
NEPTUNE: Alright! Keep it up. Exhale that anger. Feel better?
DORIS: (Still angry.) Yes, sir.
NEPTUNE: Then let’s let go of our new friend.
DORIS: I’m going to let you go now.
ALEX: I’d appreciate it.
NEPTUNE: Sorry about my bodyguard, mi amigo. She gets a little
worked up over––what did you call it?
DORIS: Basic safety protocol.

rm fo l
NEPTUNE: Whatever that is. (Seeing KID.) No wayyy! Kid Mercury,
rfo ot sa
long time no see!
KID: Hey, Uncle. Good to see you again.

ce
NEPTUNE: Likewise! What’s it been? Ten, twelve years?
r
pe N ru

KID: (Sort of offended.) I saw you at Thanksgiving this year.

NEPTUNE: And who might you be? Any friend of Kid’s is a friend of
mine!
an
Pe

KID: (Wounded.) We had dinner at my apartment! I cooked ten

different sides!
ALEX: Hi, my name’s Alex. I am such a huge fan of yours, Mr.
Neptune.
NEPTUNE: Groovy, man, groovy. Let me sign your arm. (Starts
signing.) Hey, Kid, does this guy know we’re secretly gods?
KID: Yes, but thank you as always for your discretion on the matter.
NEPTUNE: Sure thing. “Keep on keepin’ on, signed Johnny Neptune.”
(To KID.) So what brings you to my neck of the woods? I didn’t think
I would see you until the memorial tonight.
KID: How do you know about Zeus?
NEPTUNE: (Gravely.) The ocean told me.
ALEX: Whoa, that’s incredible! Is that your god power?
NEPTUNE: No, it’s this new app called Ocean. (Pulls out his phone.)
It notifies you about group events. Persephone invited me to the
memorial this morning.
ALEX: Oh.
DORIS: We also heard that Minerva has taken the case. Is that true?
KID: Yes! She’s back at it. Isn’t that exciting?
36 PANDEMONIUM

NEPTUNE: I thought I’d never see the day. After Paul, I half thought
the old Minerva was gone for good.
ALEX: Who’s Paul?

KID and NEPTUNE share a look.

NEPTUNE: He was Minerva’s partner on the force. He died a few

years back. It’s a long story.
ALEX: So I’ve heard.
KID: (Eager to change the subject.) Anyway, since I’m here, I was
thinking I would just give you a lift back to New York. What do you
say?

rm fo l
DORIS: I think we can make that work, Sir. If Kid can take us there
rfo ot sa
and back by tomorrow.
KID: You got it.

ce
NEPTUNE: So I’ll be able to mourn the tragic loss of my beloved
r
pe N ru

brother? ...AWESOME! I’m stoked. Come on, Doris, help me grab

my things.
an
Pe

NEPTUNE and DORIS cross to exit, then DORIS turns and motions for
KID and ALEX to follow. ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA enter donning
their masks again.

ALPHA: Alright, Delta. You’re on point. Gamma, you back me up.

DELTA: I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Alpha.
GAMMA: I’m not sure either. I mean robbing a bank is one thing, but
this is murder.
ALPHA: (Shhh.) You heard what Styx said. His employer will kill us if
we don’t do this. It’s us or him.
DELTA: This doesn’t feel right.
GAMMA: We should make a run for it!
ALPHA: No! We’re too far in. Now just do your jobs and we can all go
home rich!

Enter NEPTUNE, followed by DORIS (holding a large bag), KID, and

ALEX.
 JD ATKINS 37

NEPTUNE: All I’m saying is, El Niño is a fickle mistress! Who knows
where she might turn up!
DORIS: For the last time, we are not bringing your surfboard to New
York in the middle of winter!
ALEX: They installed a hydrotherapy tub at the Y down on 15th, I bet
that would work. What do you think? (Seeing the masked
strangers.) Oh boy.

NEPTUNE, DORIS, ALEX, and KID come face to face with the masked
assailants, ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA.

ALPHA: Let’s make this quick, Neptune.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
DORIS drops the bags and tries to run to NEPTUNE’S defense.
NEPTUNE stops DORIS.

ce
r
pe N ru

NEPTUNE: (Serious.) It’s alright, Doris.

DORIS: Sir, this is my job…
an
NEPTUNE: These three aren’t crazed fans. Are you?
Pe

ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA share uneasy looks and draw knives.

GAMMA: Sorry, man. This isn’t personal.

NEPTUNE: I know. You were sent here.
DELTA: How did he know––
ALPHA: Focus, you two! Ignore him.
NEPTUNE: Kid. Open the portal. We’re leaving, and you’re not going
to stop us.
ALPHA: I don’t think so.

SFX: A crack of thunder is heard and the lights flash. KID runs to SR
door and knocks to open a portal.

NEPTUNE: I’ve never made a typhoon indoors before, but I’m betting
it won’t be pretty.
GAMMA: Oh, god, he’s one of them. I’m out of here!
DELTA: Me too!
ALPHA: Get back here! They’ll kill us!
38 PANDEMONIUM

KID: Portal’s ready!

SFX: Another crack of thunder.

ALPHA: Ah, to hell with this. AHH!

ALPHA charges with the knife. DORIS counters ALPHA with martial
arts and sends ALPHA sprawling. NEPTUNE, KID, and ALEX make
their way to the portal.

DORIS: Why were you trying to kill Neptune? Who sent you?
ALPHA: (Retreating.) You’re all crazy! You’re all crazy!

rm fo l
NEPTUNE: Doris, come on!
rfo ot sa
NEPTUNE, KID, ALEX, and DORIS dive through KID’S portal. SFX:

ce
Another thunderclap and the lights dim.
r
pe N ru

an ACT ONE, SCENE 5

Pe

AT START: Metropolitan Museum. Lights up on the interior, set for the

gala. Tables here and there have trays of champagne. SFX: Light
music plays as the PARTY GUESTS mingle, PERSEPHONE in their
midst. SERVERS have trays of hors d’oeuvres. Among them are
VENUS and BACCHUS. ARTEMIS, followed by AGENT ONE, enter.

ARTEMIS: Sergeant Mars hasn’t made contact yet, so I want you and
the other agents to hang back. No one makes a move unless you
have my direct orders, got it? (Pointedly.) We can’t afford any more
mistakes on this one.
AGENT ONE: I still don’t understand what happened, Agent Hunt! One
minute we had them in custody, and then...
ARTEMIS: …they were gone. No excuses, just keep it together this
time.
AGENT ONE: Yes, ma’am.
 JD ATKINS 39

ARTEMIS and AGENT ONE mingle with the crowd. At center,

PERSEPHONE clinks her glass with a spoon to get everyone’s
attention. In the middle of PERSEPHONE’S speech, PLUTO enters
inconspicuously, and listens.

PERSEPHONE: Hello everyone, and welcome all to the twelfth annual

benefit gala for the Metropolitan Museum of History.

Light applause from PARTY GUESTS.

PERSEPHONE: It is the Cerberus Corporation’s great honor to host

this event every year. Special thanks to Love Drunk Party Planners

rm fo l
for making this party possible.
rfo ot sa
More light applause from PARTY GUESTS.

ce
r
pe N ru

BACCHUS: Thank you, thank you. We deserve it.

PERSEPHONE: Many people are not aware, but when this company
an
was starting out, the museum and its new curator were our very first
Pe

clients. And if you notice at the entrances and exits, you’ll see that
we are still providing our services to the museum to this day. It’s a
partnership that is very close to our heart. I remember––
PLUTO: (Having entered mid-speech, now taking center stage) ––If
only our staff could protect people from death by boredom. (Polite
laughter.) In all seriousness, my wife and I are very grateful to you
all for coming out in support of the museum, and in support of my
late brother, who was its longtime curator. I know I speak for
everyone who knew him when I say there will never be anyone like
him ever again. I invite everyone to join me in a toast later tonight
to honor his memory. Until then, enjoy the party.

There is applause from the PARTY GUESTS. PLUTO pulls

PERSEPHONE DS to talk privately.

PLUTO: Don’t you ever embarrass me like that again.

40 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA enters SR and sidles up to hear PERSEPHONE and

PLUTO’S conversation. IRIS enters from SL and walks to
PERSEPHONE.

PERSEPHONE: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, Pluto.
(Takes a glass of champagne from IRIS.) Thank you, Iris.
PLUTO: Of course you do. You always do. (Wrestles the other glass
away from IRIS. Pointedly, to IRIS.) You can go.
IRIS: (Looking to PERSEPHONE for confirmation.) Ma’am?
PERSEPHONE: Go ahead.
PLUTO: Listen, Persephone. No matter what you might tell yourself,
Cerberus belongs to me.

rm fo l
PERSEPHONE: I built this company, Pluto. Me. Not You.
rfo ot sa
PLUTO: Perhaps… Cleopatra built; Alexander conquered. This is my
empire, Persephone. You just live in it.

ce
r
pe N ru

PLUTO downs his glass of champagne and exits SL. MARS enters SR.
an
MINERVA: He does realize Alexander the Great never met Cleopatra,
Pe

right? Totally different time periods.

PERSEPHONE: (Clearly frustrated.) Can I help you with something,
Minerva?
MINERVA: Nope. Just enjoying the party. Hey, want to hear a joke
about a car?
PERSEPHONE: No.
MINERVA: What’s green and has wheels?
PERSEPHONE: I don’t have time for this. (Exits.)
MINERVA: (Shouting after her.) Here’s a hint: it’s not a car!
MARS: (Sidling up.) I always hated that joke. Dad never told us the
answer.
MINERVA: Did you find out any more information about Uncle Pluto?
MARS: Actually, yes. (Pulls out his notebook.) The museum has been
struggling financially, so they’re looking to be bought out. Three
guesses what company put an offer on the table.
MINERVA: Cerberus.
MARS: Bingo. But wait, there’s more. Guess who was the only board
member to oppose the sale?
MINERVA: Zeus.
 JD ATKINS 41

MARS: Right again.

MINERVA: But now that Zeus is out of the picture… why would a
security company want to buy a museum?
MARS: We need to find out more. What do you say, partner? (Extends
his hand for a shake.)
MINERVA: (Reluctant.) Alright. I guess you haven’t been totally
useless on this case. What do you say, shall we go question our
dear uncle?

MARS and MINERVA are about to shake hands, but NEPTUNE comes
up between them. He is followed, at a distance, by DORIS, KID and
ALEX.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
NEPTUNE: OK, but if your questions are about my personal life, my
answer is “No comment.”

ce
MINERVA: Uncle Neptune? And Doris! And… oh, what the hell. You
r
pe N ru

brought the kid here?

KID: (Offended.) Hey, he was my dad too!
an
MINERVA: No, not you Kid, him kid! What is Alex doing here?
Pe

ALEX: What do you mean? I’m your partner.

MINERVA: You’re my assistant. Why did you bring him along, Kid?
ALEX: Maybe everyone doesn’t think I’m as useless as you do.
MINERVA: I never said that. But maybe a murder investigation isn’t
the best way to be getting your feet wet!
ALEX: Well if you had taken me along on any of your other cases––
NEPTUNE: Whoa, there! Come on compadres, settle down. Doris,
show them how to breathe.
DORIS: No thanks.
NEPTUNE: Well calm it down anyway, would you? Too much negative
energy. I’m still cleansing my chi from this afternoon.
MINERVA. What is he talking about?
KID: There was an attempt on Neptune’s life this afternoon.
MARS: You’re kidding.
DORIS: Three yahoos in masks came at us with knives. Don’t worry,
no one was hurt.
MINERVA: I stopped three masked criminals from robbing a bank last
night. (Exasperated.) What is going on?
42 PANDEMONIUM

KID: I’m not sure, but there’s more. Here, Mars. It’s the autopsy report
for Dad. I picked it up from the hospital on our way over.
MARS: Let me see. (Reading it over.) He was… poisoned? But that
seals it!
ALEX: Seals what?
MARS: Our Uncle Pluto’s god artifact is the Poison Chalice. If Zeus
was poisoned, then we’ve got our murderer, no question.
MINERVA: (Thoughtful.) Maybe…
MARS: (Exasperated.) Maybe? No, he did it. I’m asking Cousin
Artemis to call in her agents.
MINERVA: Artemis? Why would you call in the Feds?
MARS: This is Pluto we’re talking about. First Dad, now Uncle

rm fo l
Neptune? Think about it: those are the only two gods more powerful
rfo ot sa
than him!
NEPTUNE: Ooo! Shrimp cocktails! Excuse me. (Follows a SERVER.)

ce
MARS: If he really is making a power grab, we’re going to need some
r
pe N ru

serious back up. Right?

MINERVA: (Unconvinced.) Don’t you think it’s all too… I don’t know,
an
a little too easy? I feel like Pluto is smarter than this.
Pe

MARS: You’re the one that suspected Pluto in the first place! Don’t
overcomplicate it.
MINERVA: I’m telling you, I feel like there’s more to this!
MARS: And I’m telling you––

The argument is cut off as BACCHUS and VENUS swagger up.

VULCAN enters in the background.

BACCHUS: Hello, party people! (Looking around.) Why the long

faces? What is this, a funeral?
KID: (Confused.) Yes.
BACCHUS: Oh, yeah. Well, whatever, the party stops for no one.
Keep drinking, I say!
KID: Thank you, party god.
VENUS: Oh, lighten up, Kid. If you ask me, everyone needs to loosen
up a little. Vulcan, why so dour! It’s an open bar!
VULCAN: What? Bacchus just charged me ten dollars!

BACCHUS pushes VULCAN out of the way.

 JD ATKINS 43

BACCHUS: Cheers, everybody! Tell them about the champagne,

Venus.
VENUS: Everyone, I’m here to hand out our special champagne. But
don’t drink it yet, this is for Mr. Pluto’s toast. We’ll drink to your
father’s memory after his speech.
BACCHUS: It’s an excellent year. (Smells the drink, makes a sour
face.) Ugh, actually, this is absolute swill. Hold on, I’ll fix it. (Snaps
and everyone’s champagne changes color. Drinks again.) Now that
is a wine worth waiting for. Ooo, that’s good. (Chugs his flute.)
MARS: Worth the wait, huh?
BACCHUS: God of wine, remember? What do you want from me?

rm fo l
(As he exits, he encounters VULCAN.) Come on, Vulcan. We’re
rfo ot sa
going dancing.
VULCAN: I don’t want to.

ce
BACCHUS: Party on, kids!
r
pe N ru

BACCHUS, VENUS, and VULCAN exit. Those remaining exchange a

an
shrug and drink.
Pe

MINERVA: That is good. So can we please talk to Pluto?

MARS: (Sigh.) God help us when Minerva Owler wants to follow her
gut. Fine. But make it fast. I just spotted Artemis, and I am telling
her to call for backup.

MARS and MINERVA begin to exit. MINERVA turns around when

ALEX attempts to follow.

MINERVA: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you’re going?

ALEX: With you, to interrogate Pluto.
MINERVA: Nu-uh. No way, kid.
ALEX: Miss Owler, if you’d only give me a chance––
MINERVA: (Bracing him around the shoulders, parental.) Alex, I can’t
be a good detective if half my brain is worrying about what’s going
to happen to you. You can stay at the party, but keep away from the
gods, OK?
ALEX: (Stubbornly.) You can’t stop me.
MINERVA: Mars?
44 PANDEMONIUM

ALEX: Oh no, please don’t––

MARS: Stay put, soldier!
ALEX: (Jumping to attention.) Etiam, Generalis! Ugh, I hate that! Wait,
Miss Owler––
MINERVA: (Running to catch up with MARS.) Stay away from the
gods, Alex!

ALEX is left standing dejected. He is approached by DORIS, holding

some hors d’oeuvres.

DORIS: Don’t do anything stupid.

ALEX: Excuse me?

rm fo l
DORIS: I know that look. I invented that look.
rfo ot sa
ALEX: What are you talking about?
DORIS: When did you find out your boss was a god? This week, right?

ce
ALEX: Today. r
pe N ru

DORIS: Yeesh. OK, well then this advice goes double for you. I know
how overwhelming it can be when you first find out, but you can’t
an
lose your head. They’re the all-mighty Olympians, and you and me,
Pe

we’re just the puny mortals they happen to be hanging out with this
decade. There’s nothing you can do to impress them. Trust me. I’ve
tried. (Drinks champagne.)
ALEX: I’m trying to get her to see that I’m not some helpless little kid!
DORIS: Compared to them, we’re all kids. Like I said, don’t do anything
stupid.

ALEX storms off in frustration. DORIS shrugs and exits. Enter PLUTO,
pursued by MINERVA and MARS.

MARS: Give it up, Minerva. He’s never going to talk. We’ve got more
than enough evidence without a confession.
MINERVA: Your brother was poisoned, Pluto. Don’t you care?
PLUTO: Funny thing about being lord of the underworld; you kind of
stop fearing death.
MARS: Sicko. We’re going to make sure you rot in jail forever.
MINERVA: Don’t listen to him. You know something, don’t you?
Something you haven’t told us yet.
PLUTO: I know what my brother was planning, if that’s what you mean.
 JD ATKINS 45

MINERVA: (To MARS.) I told you there was more to this! He was
planning something?
PLUTO: Yes. Something that would affect us all.
MARS: Why would Zeus tell you anything?
PLUTO: (Disinterested.) We were not as distant as people assume. I
did not particularly like my brother, but then again, I don’t particularly
like anyone. Anyway, I liked him more than my other brother.
NEPTUNE: (Sneaking up and hugging PLUTO.) Did your aura lose
weight? It feels thinner. You’ve been using the sandalwood oil I sent
you. (Leaves without waiting for a response.)
PLUTO: As I was saying, Zeus and I understood one another well, and
talked often. He told me his plan for the family, and although I

rm fo l
disagreed, I understood his reasoning and was willing to play along.
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: What plan?
VENUS: (Clinks her glass and gets everyone’s attention.) Everyone,

ce
let’s hear it for the man of the hour: our host, Mr. Pluto!
r
pe N ru

PLUTO: (During the applause.) We can speak more on this after my

toast. (To the PARTY GUESTS.) Thank you! Thank you!
an
Pe

PLUTO takes his place for his speech, while MARS and MINERVA
discuss.

MINERVA: Call Artemis off, I’m begging you. Let’s see how this plays
out.
MARS: No, Minerva. Unlike you, I’m still bound by the badge. I have
means, motive, and opportunity. It’s time to call it in! I need to find
Cousin Artemis. Let me through.
MINERVA: (Stops MARS, grabbing him around the shoulders.) No!
MARS: Get out of my way, Minerva!
MINERVA: My gut says––
MARS: Your gut! Your gut! I’m done listening to your gut! Last time I
did, we lost Paul!
MINERVA: (This is too bitter. MINERVA brushes past MARS and
exits.) See you around, Mars.
MARS: (With regret.) Minerva, wait!

MINERVA leaves as ARTEMIS enters.

46 PANDEMONIUM

ARTEMIS: Come on, Mars. My agents are here. Time to get in

position.

MARS and ARTEMIS exit.

PLUTO: As many of you already know, our benefit tonight is serving

the dual purpose of honoring my late brother. What to say about
him? He was a kind, generous soul. Like many of us, his past was
full of the regrets of youth.

Enter ARTEMIS, MARS, AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, and AGENT

THREE. The AGENTS are in FBI jackets. PLUTO takes note of this

rm fo l
and loosens his tie. He clears his throat.
rfo ot sa
PLUTO: Yes, as I was saying, he was a man who… sought to make

ce
amends for his past. Devoted to service, to growth. (Cough.)
r
pe N ru

Excuse me. I… my, it’s a little warm in here, isn’t it?

an
ARTEMIS, MARS, AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, and AGENT THREE
Pe

are closing in. PLUTO wipes his brow.

PLUTO: I would ask everyone to raise a glass… to my brother.

PLUTO raises a glass, but the room is now full of tension, and no one
responds. PERSEPHONE steps forward to come between PLUTO and
ARTEMIS, MARS, AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, and AGENT THREE.

PERSEPHONE: What is the meaning of this?

ARTEMIS: Mr. Pluto, we are arresting you on suspicion of murder.
BACCHUS: (From the crowd.) Boo! No cops! Booooo!
PERSEPHONE: You can’t do this. What evidence is there?
AGENT THREE: Step aside, please, ma’am.
AGENT TWO: We won’t ask again.
MARS: Come quietly, Pluto.
PLUTO: I want… to speak to my lawyer… (Coughs again.) I’m sorry,
could I have a glass of… (Coughs, sputters, and collapses,
beginning to convulse.)
PERSEPHONE: (Running to his aid.) Pluto!
 JD ATKINS 47

KID: (Rushing forward.) Back off! Give him some air!

PERSEPHONE: (Distraught.) Pluto! Pluto!
MARS: Kid, what’s wrong with him?
KID: He’s in cardiac arrest! I think he’s been poisoned. Alex, hold his
legs!
ARTEMIS: Nobody touch anything! Don’t drink that champagne!
AGENT ONE: Everyone back it up!
PERSEPHONE: Kid! Please tell me he’s OK! (Pause.)
KID: (In shock, to the room.) He’s dead.

Curtain.

rm fo l INTERMISSION
rfo ot sa

ce
r
pe N ru

an
Pe
48 PANDEMONIUM

ACT TWO, SCENE 1

AT START: Metropolitan Museum. Later that evening. Curtain opens

on the interior decorated for the gala. Yellow crime scene tape is
hanging around the perimeter. PARAMEDICS are around, putting
blankets on the PARTY GUESTS. AGENTS are taking statements in
the background and/or patting PARTY GUESTS down for weapons.

GUEST ONE: (Accosting MARS.) How much longer must we stay

here?
MARS: I’m sorry, but we can’t do anything until we hear back from
Agent Hunt.

rm fo l
GUEST TWO: Can we at least get our phones back? I need to call my
rfo ot sa
dog sitter!
MARS: I’m afraid not.

ce
r
pe N ru

MINERVA enters, running under the police tape.

an
AGENT TWO: Hey! This area is restricted.
Pe

MINERVA: (Dismissive, brushing past.) Bite me.

AGENT THREE: Good to see you too, Miss Owler.
MINERVA: Mars!
MARS: Hey, Minerva. Thanks for coming back so quickly. Listen, I
wanted to––
MINERVA: What happened?
MARS: Oh. Well, Pluto died while trying to give his toast. Kid could tell
you more. Hey, Kid! (KID crosses over.) What have you found out?
KID: Autopsy’s not going to come back for a little while, but what I saw
was consistent with poisoning. I think it’s safe to say whoever killed
our dad just killed again.
MINERVA: (Processing.) I don’t believe it.
MARS: Looks like you were right after all, Minerva. Has anyone else
fallen ill?
KID: Not so far, thank goodness.
MARS: That’s odd. I wonder how the murderer knew which glass Pluto
was going to drink.
 JD ATKINS 49

KID: Right… if only one person was poisoned, that means whoever
did it must have been close to the victim.

KID and MARS turn expectantly to MINERVA, who meets their stare
blankly.

MINERVA: What?
MARS: What do you think?
MINERVA: (Coldly.) I think you’ve got your work cut out for you.
KID: What? That’s it?

ARTEMIS enters.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ARTEMIS: (Shouting.) Attention, attention please!
MARS: Minerva, please.

ce
MINERVA: Shut up and listen.
r
pe N ru

ARTEMIS: I know it’s been a long night, but I just got word that we
need to get statements from all of you before we can let you go
home.
an
Pe

Collective groan from PARTY GUESTS.

ARTEMIS: Please follow the agents through either exit. We’ll try to get
through this as quickly as possible. Thank you.

PARTY GUESTS exit. MINERVA makes to exit, but MARS attempts to

hold her back.

MARS: Minerva, would you please just let me apologize?

MINERVA: You heard Cousin Artemis. I need to go give a statement.
Excuse me. (Exits.)
MARS: Minerva!
KID: (Angrily.) What did you say to her?

Exit MARS and KID. Enter NEPTUNE and ALEX, who is wrapped in a
blanket.
50 PANDEMONIUM

NEPTUNE: I appreciate your concern, little kahuna, but I’m actually

doing fine.
ALEX: Both of your brothers were killed within twenty-four hours of
each other, and they haven’t caught the murderer. That doesn’t
concern you?
NEPTUNE: Like water off an otter, mi amigo. You have to take the
waves as they come.
ALEX: I suppose if I could summon a typhoon I would be pretty
confident, too. Actually, Mr. Neptune, I know this isn’t the best time,
but as an avid fan I have to know. You are the greatest surfer of all
time… but did you use your god of the sea powers to manipulate
the waves? Because I feel like that would be cheating.

rm fo l
NEPTUNE: My god power doesn’t work like that, kimosabe. (Tugging
rfo ot sa
his shell necklace.) My necklace allows me to groove on the waves
of time and chance and fortune, you dig? (Expansively.) I see every

ce
outcome laid out before me, and I surf on the tides of destiny itself.
r
pe N ru

ALEX: (Impressed.) Wow. That’s incredible.

NEPTUNE: Yeah. Also, I can control the ocean with my mind, so I
an
manipulated the waves.
Pe

ALEX: OK, so like, yes, you cheated.

NEPTUNE: Right on. I’m going to go hunt down some more shrimp
cocktails. Later, skater!
ALEX: See ya.

MINERVA enters, and ALEX runs up to greet her.

ALEX: Miss Owler! I thought you had left!

MINERVA: Mars called me, so I came back. I just gave my statement
to Agent Hunt.
ALEX: Are you alright?
MINERVA: What do you mean?
ALEX: I mean, I know you and your uncle weren’t close, but two
deaths in your family in twenty-four hours is a lot to handle for
anyone.
MINERVA: I’m fine. Listen, I know Artemis wants everyone to stick
around, but I’m going to have Kid sneak open a portal for you to go
home.
 JD ATKINS 51

Enter VENUS and BACCHUS in the background, cleaning up empty

glasses and taking down decorations. BACCHUS seems interested in
their conversation.

ALEX: What are you talking about?

MINERVA: There’s a murderer, Alex, and they haven’t been caught.
ALEX: All the more reason for me to stay and help!
MINERVA: You aren’t listening to me. I’m done. I’m off the case.
ALEX: Miss Owler, the murderer is still out there. How can you do
nothing?
MINERVA: Because I shouldn’t have gotten involved to begin with. I’m
not a detective anymore. And you should get home before you get
hurt.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ALEX: We owe it to your dad to see this through.
MINERVA: Listen, kid, forget my dad. Your dad would never forgive

ce
me if I let anything happen to you.
r
pe N ru

ALEX: Don’t worry about that! As your partner––

MINERVA: (Forcefully.) You are not my partner. (Pause.) Now you’re
an
going to stay here and wait until I can find Kid, then you’re taking a
Pe

portal home. Is that clear?

ALEX: Miss Owler––
MINERVA: (Shouting.) IS THAT CLEAR?
ALEX: (Relenting, hurt.) Yes ma’am.

MINERVA walks away, nearly getting offstage, before ALEX stops her
with his question.

ALEX: What happened to Paul? (Pause.) He was your partner on the

force, right? What happened to him? Did he die?
MINERVA: (Coldly.) Your employment with Owler Inquiries is over.

MINERVA exits, leaving ALEX stunned. BACCHUS slides up next to

ALEX.

BACCHUS: Tough break, kid.

52 PANDEMONIUM

VENUS: I wouldn’t take it personally. Minnie’s always been a stick in

the mud.
BACCHUS: (Gives ALEX his hand to shake.) Hi. I’m Bacchus, this is
Venus. We’re the fun gods.
ALEX: Alex.
VENUS: So what’s your deal, you were like her assistant or
something?
ALEX: Partner.
VENUS: (Impressed.) No kidding. I didn’t think she’d ever have a
partner again, after what happened with Paul. (Exits with an armful
of the cleanup.)
ALEX: (Sarcastic.) Long story, right? (Shouting after VENUS.) Would

rm fo l
someone please just tell me about Paul?! Apparently I have time,
rfo ot sa
now!
BACCHUS: (Casually.) Paul was her partner on the force. Minerva

ce
used to use her god powers to solve cases, but she messed up and
r
pe N ru

accidentally sent Paul to his death. (Reflecting.) Huh. I didn’t think

that was a long story at all.
an
ALEX: Explain, please.
Pe

BACCHUS: What’s to explain? Minerva used to have this helmet thing

that let her tap into secret knowledge––the helm of Minerva. Well,
one day she used it to divine the location of a suspect, but her
partner Paul took that information and went over to confront the bad
guy by himself, and well… you know the rest.
ALEX: Her powers got her partner killed… is that why she gave up
being a god?
BACCHUS: Yup. She cut off all ties with the family and started that
whole moody broody routine. All these years later, she still thinks
we won’t forgive her.
ALEX: Why would the family care about the death of her partner?
BACCHUS: Paul is short for “Apollo.” Keep up, man.
ALEX: (A revelation.) Paul was another god.
DORIS: (Enters.) Alex, there you are. We’ve been looking for you.
ALEX: Hey, Doris. Did you know this stuff about Miss Owler and Paul?
DORIS: You mean Apollo? Yeah, everyone knows. He was killed in
the line of duty.
ALEX: Did they ever catch the killer?
 JD ATKINS 53

BACCHUS: (Casually.) Nope! I imagine it haunts her to this day.

ALEX: (Realizing.) Oh, come on! Don’t you see? The person who
killed Paul could be the same person who killed Zeus and Pluto!
DORIS: So what?
ALEX: So I have to tell Miss Owler!
BACCHUS: Tell her what? (Laughing.) She just fired you, dummy!
C'est la vie.
DORIS: There’s nothing to tell, Alex. She’s the goddess of wisdom; if
you thought of it, then she thought of it two years ago.
ALEX: But––
DORIS: But nothing, Alex. How many times do I have to say it, you
can’t impress them.

rm fo l
ALEX: You’re telling me you don’t wish that Neptune was more
rfo ot sa
appreciative of you?
DORIS: Yeah, maybe sometimes. But then I remember that he’s a

ce
thousand-year-old-immortal and I get over it! Look, man, I get what
r
pe N ru

you’re going through. When I found out about this god stuff, I did
cartwheels to try to get Neptune’s attention. (Laughing.) I even lied
an
about knowing kung fu so he’d hire me as his bodyguard! Almost
Pe

got me killed. But eventually, I realized something important.

ALEX: What?
DORIS: It’s OK to be me. (Pause.) Also, I should probably learn kung
fu for real.
ALEX: Yeah… yeah, OK. I hear you.
DORIS: Good. Now come on, Agent Hunt wants your statement.
ALEX: Right. I’ll be down in a second.
DORIS: Fine. (While exiting.) Remember what I said, Alex. Don’t do
anything stupid.
ALEX: Yup! You got it. Nothing stupid… (As soon as DORIS exits.)
This is my chance to prove myself to Miss Owler. Don’t tell anyone
I left, OK?
BACCHUS: Cross my heart!

ALEX exits and KID enters.

KID: Hey, Bacchus. Have you seen Minerva’s assistant? I’m supposed
to take him home.
54 PANDEMONIUM

BACCHUS: He just left. Something about solving the murders, blah,

blah, blah. I wasn’t really listening.
KID: What? Oh no…

KID exits, running after ALEX. BACCHUS exits in the other direction.
Lights shift.

ACT TWO, SCENE 2

AT START: Metropolitan Museum, Gates of Olympus. Lights up

featuring the CS archway. Scattered around the arches are various

rm fo l
Greek statues, all covered in sheets. PERSEPHONE enters, escorted
rfo ot sa
by NEPTUNE.

ce
NEPTUNE: If we really want to cleanse your aura, we’re going to need
r
pe N ru

some white sage, but in the meantime, let’s try to identify the origin
of this negative energy that I’m sensing. Now, think hard, did
an
anything stressful happen to you recently?
Pe

PERSEPHONE: (Long pause, staring at NEPTUNE.) No.

NEPTUNE: Hmmm. Well then, it’s a mystery. I’ll go get that sage oil.

NEPTUNE exits. MINERVA enters, sees PERSEPHONE, and

immediately turns to exit.

PERSEPHONE: Hello, Minerva. Here to console me, too?

MINERVA: (Sighing.) No, actually I came here to get away from
everyone.
PERSEPHONE: Me too. Hasn’t worked. (Contemplative.) This is
where they would come to talk, your father and my husband. It was
their little hideaway. (Gestures to the archway behind them.). Is this
the first time you’ve been back to the gates of Olympus since we
crossed over?
MINERVA: (Reluctantly, not wanting to be pulled in to another
conversation.) Yeah. I guess so.
 JD ATKINS 55

PERSEPHONE: I’ve seen them a lot over the years. I remember back
when Zeus first hired us to do security, this exhibit was purely a
cover; all these statues and vases just so he could hide his artifact
in plain sight. But after a few years, I think he really started to take
pride in this place. I respected the work he did here... (Regretfully.)
I never told him that.
MINERVA: Listen, Persephone––
PERSEPHONE: (Pushing through the conversation.) People think my
husband was trying to take over the museum, but it was actually
Zeus that wanted us to buy it. He opposed the sale in meetings to
maintain appearances, of course, but he knew that if the museum
was set on selling, then Cerberus was the only option. The gods

rm fo l
must retain control of the gates.
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: (Reluctantly engaging.) Well, yeah. It’s our only way home,
so we should probably keep an eye on it.

ce
PERSEPHONE: r Our thoughts exactly. (Reminiscing.) Do you
pe N ru

remember when we first crossed over? Zeus said one day, when
we were ready, we would all meet back at the gates. And then my
an
husband said…
Pe

MINERVA and PERSEPHONE: See you all in a week.

PERSEPHONE: I always appreciated his sense of humor…. Well, I
have to say, after today I am definitely ready to go home.
(Pondering.) I wonder if that’s even possible anymore.
MINERVA: Probably not. This is Zeus’s artifact. I’m pretty sure only
he knew how to open it.
PERSEPHONE: Actually, my husband did too. Not the door to
Olympus, but supposedly it leads to the underworld, too. Although
Pluto would never dream of going back. He loved it here. You know,
a few months into my human life, I hated it. One morning I stormed
up to Pluto and said today was the day: I was ready to go back.
Pluto thought about that for a moment, and then he said: “When
Zeus told us we would go home when we were ready, he didn’t
mean when we were tired; he meant when we were changed.”
(Smiling.) There was a lot wrong with Pluto, but every now and
then…. Anyway, that might be my favorite memory of him now.
MINERVA: (A little moved, sincere.) I’m sorry for your loss.
PERSEPHONE: They’re going to arrest me, Minerva. They’re going to
blame it all on me.
56 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: You don’t know that for sure.

PERSEPHONE: Oh, please. My company bought the museum. My
husband and I fought over control of the company. And now, with
Zeus and Pluto dead, who inherits everything? If they don’t arrest
me, they’re not very good detectives. I would arrest me.
MINERVA: (Matter-of-fact.) You didn’t do it, though, did you?
PERSEPHONE: Of course not… I suppose… I suppose it’s too much
to ask for you to help me? (MINERVA seems hesitant to answer,
but PERSEPHONE smiles and waves her off.). It’s OK. I knew the
answer as soon as I said it. Some rivers are too wide to cross.

ARTEMIS, IRIS, AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, and AGENT THREE

enter.
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
PERSEPHONE: Agent Hunt, right on cue.

ce
IRIS: You have no right. If you don’t stop this instant––
r
pe N ru

ARTEMIS: (Ignoring IRIS.) We need to speak with you, Persephone.

Call off your lackey.
an
IRIS: Excuse me?
Pe

PERSEPHONE: It’s alright, Iris. (To ARTEMIS.) Where to?

ARTEMIS: Downtown. My agents will see you get there safely.
PERSEPHONE: Very well. (Hesitating.) Minerva, that crack I made
earlier, about your brother… in the underworld, you spend enough
time surrounded by death, and you sort of lose…. Well, anyway, I
just wanted to say I’m sorry. (To the AGENTS.) I’m ready now.
AGENT TWO: This way, ma’am.

ARTEMIS, PERSEPHONE, IRIS, AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, and

AGENT THREE exit but are stopped briefly by NEPTUNE as he enters
with sage oil.

NEPTUNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, Persephone! Where are you

taking her?
ARTEMIS: Out of the way, Neptune. This is official FBI business.

ARTEMIS pushes past NEPTUNE. ARTEMIS, PERSEPHONE, IRIS,

AGENT ONE, AGENT TWO, and AGENT THREE exit completely.
 JD ATKINS 57

NEPTUNE: (To MINERVA.) What was that about?

MINERVA: They’re arresting her on suspicion of murder.
NEPTUNE: What? That’s terrible…. What am I going to do with all this
sage oil? (Shrugging it off.) Oh, well. Guess I’ll cleanse my own
aura. (Proceeds to apply the sage oil.) How are you doing? Good?
Want some sage oil?
MINERVA: I don’t know how you do it, Uncle.
NEPTUNE: Do what?
MINERVA: Stay so positive all the time! No matter what happens, no
matter how dark the situation, you stay… you. I envy that.
NEPTUNE: (Contemplating, gesturing to the gate.) Why do you think
my brother brought us here? I know what he told us––we were

rm fo l
supposed to help people. But you and I both know he was never
rfo ot sa
straightforward. So really, in your heart of hearts, why did he bring
us here?

ce
MINERVA: …I’m not sure.
r
pe N ru

NEPTUNE: I am. He told me. He said that two emotions brought us to

this world. The first was jealousy. My brother beheld mortal kind and
an
was jealous; so jealous, in fact, that he was willing to sacrifice
Pe

immortality to have what they have––(Smiling.) family.

MINERVA: What are you talking about? We were always family.
NEPTUNE: We were blood, sure, but family? Think about it, Minerva.
In the old days, would any of us have stuck their neck out for one
another the way you and your siblings have today? Hmm? (Pause.)
Apollo died, and that was sad. But in the old days, would you have
even grieved? This world has changed us, Minerva, whether we like
it or not. Well, most of us, anyhow. I mean, one of us is out there
serial killing the rest of us, but you get my point.
MINERVA: (Skeptically.) Is this is your way of telling me I should take
the case again?
NEPTUNE: No… this is my way of getting you to realize that the
person you have turned into never really dropped it. Did she?
MINERVA: (Smiles.) Thank you, Uncle.
NEPTUNE: Don’t sweat it. (Looking off into the distance, suddenly
alarmed.) Uh-oh.
MINERVA: What? What is it?
NEPTUNE: (Ominously.) The turning of the tides.
MARS: (From offstage.) MINERVA!
58 PANDEMONIUM

MARS enters, carrying a disoriented KID.

MINERVA: Oh my god! Kid, are you OK? What happened?

MARS: She was attacked outside the museum.
KID: It was Styx.
NEPTUNE: Styx? You mean the underworld’s old gatekeeper? I didn’t
even know she had crossed over!
MARS: Neither did I. Minerva… I think she might be our killer.
MINERVA: What happened to Kid?
KID: Styx used her god powers on me…
MARS: The waters of the river Styx will wipe your mind clean.

rm fo l
KID: I still can’t think straight… Minerva, this is bad. (Urgently.) She
rfo ot sa
took Alex.
MINERVA: No…. Why? Where did she take him?

ce
KID: She didn’t say.
r
pe N ru

MARS: Minerva, what do we do?

MINERVA: (Resolved.) The three of you stay here. Kid, can you open
an
a portal for me?
Pe

KID: I’ll do my best.

MARS helps KID over to a door. KID knocks on the door three times.
SFX: portal opening. A sound emanates and a light behind the door
illuminates.

MARS: Minerva, talk to me. What are you doing?

MINERVA: (Significantly.) Protecting my family.

MINERVA exits through the portal. Blackout.

ACT TWO, SCENE 3

AT START: Office of Owler Inquiries. Lights up on the interior.

MINERVA enters her office, her face resolute. She looks around, taking
stock of her world.
 JD ATKINS 59

MINERVA: (To herself.) Hey Paul. I know it’s been a while. (Walks
over and retrieves a key off the wall from behind the picture of Paul.)
Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened to you recently. I
know I swore after you died that I would never use my powers again,
but… there’s someone that needs my help. Someone I care about.
Anyway, please forgive me for this.

MINERVA unlocks her desk and retrieves the helm of Minerva. She
examines it closely, then makes to put it on her head. SFX: Suddenly,
the lights flicker, and MINERVA is overcome with anguish. She drops
the helmet and collapses, holding her head.

rm fo l
MINERVA: Ahhh!
rfo ot sa
STYX enters.

ce
r
pe N ru

MINERVA: Styx! Where did you take Alex?

STYX: He’s safe for now. (Gestures with backhand, ALEX enters, his
an
expression is blank.) If you want him to stay that way, I would
Pe

behave.
MINERVA: I’m going to get you through this, Alex.
STYX: He can’t hear you. (Speaks into her cell phone.) It’s here. Very
good.
MINERVA: That was your new boss, right? I had a hunch you were
working for someone. You’re too stupid to pull this off by yourself.
STYX: Keep talking, Minerva, I dare you.
MINERVA: I always thought you were loyal to Pluto. What happened?
STYX: I stopped working for Pluto the second he abandoned the
underworld. My new master would see the Olympians restored to
their rightful place.
MINERVA: So our murderer is a god after all?
STYX: Of course. (Opening the office door.) A god that, like me,
wishes to restore balance.
BACCHUS: (From offstage.) Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Styx. (Mocking
his voice.) “He will restore the gods, he will restore balance.”
(Frames himself in the doorway.) I just want to keep the party going.
MINERVA: Bacchus?
BACCHUS: (Superstar.) Bacchus.
60 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: It was you? All along?

BACCHUS: Alllllll along. And boy, oh, boy did you make it hard for me.
The lengths I had to go to… I robbed a bank, I killed your dad, I
killed your uncle, and this whole time it was sitting here in your
desk? Are you kidding me? (Laughing.) Actually, it’s kind of funny
when you think about it.
MINERVA: All this… all this was to get my helmet?

MINERVA gets up to lunge at BACCHUS, but STYX quickly takes off

her sunglasses again and makes MINERVA recoil. BACCHUS sits
down next to MINERVA, on top of the desk, contemplatively.

rm fo l
BACCHUS: Well, not at first. Funny story; so when I was planning for
rfo ot sa
the gala, I snuck into your dad’s office to see if he had any liquor in
his desk. Instead, I found a copy of the speech he was going to give!

ce
(Retrieves PLUTO’S speech from his pocket.) “Although it has been
r
pe N ru

the honor of a lifetime to be curator here, I regret to inform you that

tonight I am announcing my retirement. Tomorrow, my family and I
an
will be going home.” (Crumples it up and throws it.) Can you believe
Pe

it?
MINERVA: Zeus was planning to take us home?
BACCHUS: I know! So obviously, I had to kill him.
MINERVA: (Distraught.) Why?
BACCHUS: (Sigh.) How many times do I have to say it? (Pulling
MINERVA to her feet by her collar, emphasizing each word.) The
party stops for no one. (Throws MINERVA to the ground.) I don’t
want to go back to boring old Olympus!
MINERVA: And that’s worth killing a person?
BACCHUS: Actually, I killed three people. I killed Zeus when I found
his terrible plan, I killed Pluto when I overheard he knew about
Zeus’s terrible plan, (Even more malicious.) and I killed Venus when
she started asking too many questions. (Cutsie.) Three guesses
what I’m going to do next.
MINERVA: You’re insane!
BACCHUS: (Hysterical laughter.) Insane? Insane is denying who you
are. I’m the party god, Minerva. I am supposed to party! But Zeus…
(Utterly sarcastic.) he wanted us to grow and change and be better
people. Pass. When I killed Zeus, I had an epiphany. (Grabs the
 JD ATKINS 61

helmet.) All I needed was your helmet, and then the party would last
forever. And that’s when I contacted Styx.
STYX: I thought Zeus had your helmet, but the bank robbers I hired
said his safety deposit box was empty.
BACCHUS: So, Plan B was to keep pushing you until you resorted to
using the ol’ thinking cap here.
MINERVA: So you kidnapped Alex.
BACCHUS: Technically, I just tricked him into leaving the party. Styx
did the kidnapping.
STYX: Now, Minerva, it’s time for you to tell Bacchus how the helmet
works.
MINERVA: No way.

rm fo l
BACCHUS: (Sweet.) Pwetty pwease?
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: NO!
BACCHUS: (Sigh.) Fine. (Shouting.) Come on in, party people.

ce
KID: (From offstage.) Let go of me!
r
pe N ru

MARS: (From offstage.) Take it easy, Kid. No sudden movements.

DORIS: (From offstage.) I’m going to remember this.
an
Pe

KID, MARS, NEPTUNE, and DORIS are lead in at gunpoint by ALPHA,

DELTA, and GAMMA.

BACCHUS: (Standing on the desk, adopting the guise of a gameshow

host.) Introducing the hellhounds: Alpha, Delta, and Gamma!! Feel
like playing yet, Minerva?
NEPTUNE: (Unfazed) Check it out, Minerva, we got captured! Wild,
right?
MINERVA: Let them go.
STYX: That helmet holds the answers to all the world’s questions. Tell
us how to access them!
MINERVA: It only works for the god of wisdom.
BACCHUS: (Raspberry noise.) Wrong answer. Try again.
KID: Don’t tell him anything, Minerva! (Outraged.) I can’t believe you
killed Venus. What did she ever do to you?
BACCHUS: She was cramping my style. Look, maybe you don’t get
it. I don’t need the hounds to hurt them. (In the guise of a Game
Show Host again.) Time for the lightning round: for one million
dollars, what is Bacchus’s special god power?
62 PANDEMONIUM

MARS: (Chuckle.) You turn bad wine into good wine. What’s so scary
about that?
BACCHUS: (Hopping down.) Ahhh, but the opposite is also true.
Aren’t you all curious how I murdered the others? Don’t you want to
know how I murdered Paul?
MINERVA: (A revelation.) It was you? Five years ago when Paul was
murdered… that was you?
BACCHUS: (Defensive.) He was killing my vibe! Wanted me to “stop
making bootleg wine” and to “come out with my hands up.”
MINERVA: (Angry.) I blamed myself for five years! But it was you! You
killed my brother! And for what? All so you could keep partying?
BACCHUS: Oh, Minerva… you know what that sounds like? Sour

rm fo l
grapes. (Snaps fingers once.)
rfo ot sa
Immediately, MARS, KID, NEPTUNE, and DORIS begin clutching their

ce
stomachs. Slowly, they start to cough, falling to a knee, retching, etc.
r
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BACCHUS: Neat little party trick, isn’t it? Who needs a poison chalice
an
when I can transform the wine you already drank! I guess the
Pe

question you should all be asking yourself is, how much of that
champagne did you have tonight? Because it only took one glass to
kill Pluto.
MINERVA: Bacchus, stop!
STYX: He’ll stop when you tell me what I want to know!
BACCHUS: Tick, tock, Minerva, tick, tock.
MINERVA: OK! I’ll tell you. Just don’t kill them.
BACCHUS: Hurray!

BACCHUS snaps fingers once and the affected characters catch their
breath.

BACCHUS: Well? Clue me in, Sherlock! What’s the magic word?

MINERVA: (Defeated.) Just put the helmet on and ask it what you
want to know.
STYX: (Confused.) That’s it?
BACCHUS: Yeah. Kind of a letdown, to be honest. Oh, well!
MINERVA: Wait! Release Alex.
BACCHUS: Styx.
 JD ATKINS 63

STYX snaps and ALEX wakes up from his trance.

ALEX: What… what’s going on? Where am I?

BACCHUS: Hellhounds, heel!

ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA exit through the front office door.

BACCHUS: Thanks for the assistance y’all. It’s been fun.

NEPTUNE: Oh, anytime!
MARS: This isn’t over, Bacchus. We’ll find you.
BACCHUS: Sweetie, after what I have planned, you couldn’t touch me

rm fo l
if you tried.
rfo ot sa
STYX: Get ready, gods. Pandemonium is upon us.
BACCHUS: Hey! Spoilers.

ce
STYX: Sorry. r
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DORIS: What’s to stop us from following you?

BACCHUS: Funny you should ask. Experience has taught me that if
an
you want to get away with something, all you need is two things:
Pe

insurance and a distraction. Styx.

STYX grabs ALEX by the collar and gestures to her sunglasses to keep
the others back. STYX, BACCHUS, and ALEX back up towards the
exit.

STYX: Back off! Your assistant is coming with us.

MINERVA: Alex! If you hurt him––

BACCHUS is the last one out.

BACCHUS: Hurt him? (Sigh.) Look, I know what you must all think of
me, but I’m not a monster. I’m not doing this for fun; I’m doing this
because I care. About me. (Snaps fingers once.) Peace out! (Exits.)

MARS, KID, NEPTUNE, and DORIS brace for the pain, but it doesn’t
come.

KID: Maybe he didn’t do it that time.

64 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: No. He did. (Grabs her stomach, starts coughing.)

MARS: Minerva!
MINERVA: That hurts. That really hurts. (Falling over.)
NEPTUNE. Woah! Easy does it!

KID lights a portal and dashes out of the room. SFX: portal opening. A
sound emanates and a light behind the door illuminates.

DORIS: Get her down easy! Hang on, Minerva.

MINERVA: You have to stop him. You have to…
MARS: Minerva, stay with us! Minerva! Minerva! …Minnie!

rm fo l
Blackout, in the blackout NEPTUNE, MARS, and DORIS exit and the
rfo ot sa
portal sounds cease. Lights up on MINERVA sitting alone in her office,
not behind her desk, as usual, but in the client’s chair. The lights are

ce
duller, greyer than they were before.
r
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MINERVA: Hello?
an
ZEUS: (From offstage.) I’ll be out in a second!
Pe

MINERVA: (Standing up, looking around cautiously.) Where am I?

ZEUS: Good question. But then again... (Comes out of the bathroom,
drying his hands.) Asking all the right questions is kind of what
you’re known for.
MINERVA: Dad? (Excitedly.) Dad!! (Runs over to give ZEUS a hug.).
ZEUS: (Laughing.) Hi, kid.
MINERVA: It’s so good to see you… wait, does this mean I’m…?
ZEUS: Dead? (Twinkle in his eye.) Not yet. You, Minerva, are hanging
in the balance, one foot in each world.
MINERVA: So I still might die.
ZEUS: Let’s not worry about that just yet.
MINERVA: Also, if this is the afterlife, why were you in the bathroom?
ZEUS: Ehhh… don’t worry about that either. Here, take a seat.

MINERVA and ZEUS sit. MINERVA in the client’s chair, ZEUS behind
the desk.

ZEUS: Since we have this chance to talk… (Beat.) What’s wrong?

MINERVA: It’s weird sitting on this side of the desk.
 JD ATKINS 65

ZEUS: (Amused.) Try not to let it throw you. What can I do for you?
MINERVA: How much do you know?
ZEUS: Everything, of course.
MINERVA: Then you know how hopeless it is.
ZEUS: Hopeless, huh? (Thinking.) Hey, you know what? This reminds
me of a joke!
MINERVA: Dad! This isn’t the time for your jokes!
ZEUS: (Jumps to his feet.) Incorrect! This is as important a lesson as
I could ever teach you––no matter how grave a situation is, there is
always time for a dad joke.
MINERVA: What do you want, Dad? Why are you here?
ZEUS: It’s your near-death dream, Minerva. The real question is what

rm fo l
do you want? You’re never going to fix things if you don’t know that.
rfo ot sa
You need to know what you want.
MINERVA: Oh… I see. So you’ve come back to tell me off, is that it?

ce
Old Dad’s going to set me straight again. The all-father gives me a
r
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lecture about everything I’ve done wrong.

ZEUS: Is that what you want?
an
MINERVA: (Scoffing.) It’s what I deserve!
Pe

ZEUS: For not stopping Cousin Bacchus.

MINERVA: For not stopping anything! Don’t you get it? I failed you. I
failed Paul. I failed Alex… I failed everyone.

ZEUS hears this, walks over to MINERVA, and puts a hand on her arm.

ZEUS: Listen, kiddo. None of this is your fault. I was making a mess
of things long before you had a chance to. (Sighs.) I should have
seen what Bacchus was becoming. But I was so set on my plan….
Oh, hey, that reminds me, you never asked.
MINERVA: Never asked what?
ZEUS: You know what. The question. Ask me. I’ll tell you the truth.
MINERVA: Why, Dad?
ZEUS: Why. Yes, exactly. Why become human. Neptune let you know
half of it. Two emotions brought us to earth. The first was jealousy.
I wanted us to be a family. I was jealous of the way mortal families
took care of each other. (Significantly.) The way you and your
siblings are taking care of each other right now.
MINERVA: And the other emotion?
66 PANDEMONIUM

ZEUS: Hope. (Smiling.) I used to think it was Olympus that made us

fight and claw and backstab. I thought coming to earth would help,
but after a while I sort of lost hope. That’s why I wanted to take us
back to Olympus. But now I think I was wrong.
MINERVA: About what?
ZEUS: It wasn’t our world or their world that was the problem. It was
me. I wasn’t meant to bring us together.
MINERVA: Who else could?
ZEUS: Who else indeed. (Pause.) Just remember, Minnie. I love you.
I love all my children… even the difficult ones.

As ZEUS walks away, MINERVA stands up.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
MINERVA: Wait… Dad… I can’t stop Bacchus if I don’t know what
he’s planning. What does he mean by pandemonium?

ce
ZEUS: (Contemplatively.) Hmm. (Getting an idea.) Hey! Did I ever tell
r
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you the one about the car?

MINERVA: Dad…
an
ZEUS: What’s green and has wheels?
Pe

MINERVA: Dad, please.

ZEUS: Oh come on! Once more, for old time’s sake. What’s green and
has wheels?
MINERVA: (Reluctantly.) What?
ZEUS: Grass––and I lied about the wheels.
MINERVA: (Rolling her eyes, then.) Wait. (Standing.) Oh my god.
That’s the answer.
ZEUS: (At the door.) Go get ‘em, kid.

ZEUS exits and MINERVA closes her eyes. Blackout.

ACT TWO, SCENE 4

AT RISE: Metropolitan Museum, Gates of Olympus. Lights up on the

interior. The gates of Olympus are illuminated from above. Scattered
onstage are statues covered in cloth. Enter BACCHUS, STYX with her
hand on ALEX’S shoulder, and ALPHA, DELTA and GAMMA.
 JD ATKINS 67

STYX: (To ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA.) Spread out. Make sure we
aren’t disturbed.

ALPHA, DELTA, and GAMMA exit.

BACCHUS: Now… (Examining the gate.) What do you think, Alex?

Let’s get this party started.
ALEX: You’ll never get away with it, Bacchus.
STYX: Get away with what, exactly?
ALEX: With… it.
STYX: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
BACCHUS: OK, here comes the magic.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
BACCHUS attempts to put on MINERVA’S helmet, but is stayed by
STYX.

ce
r
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STYX: Do you know what you’re doing?

BACCHUS: Almost never. Get your hand off me.
an
Pe

MINERVA enters, staggering, clearly weak.

MINERVA: It was an unsolvable riddle; that was my problem. You lied

about the rules.
ALEX: Miss Owler! (To BACCHUS and STYX.) Let me help her.
STYX: Stay where you are, kid.
BACCHUS: Hello, Minerva… (Pleasantly.) Why aren’t you dead?
MINERVA: Everyone was looking at it from a logical angle, because
that’s what we’ve been trained to do. But if the person asking the
question isn’t playing by the rules, then the only correct answer
would be something no one saw coming.
STYX: Not another step, Minerva, or I turn your assistant here senile.
(To BACCHUS.) How did she know we were coming here? (To
MINERVA.) Wait a minute, how did you get past the hellhounds?
MINERVA: Oh, that part was easy. I just told them your plan, Styx––
your real plan.

This revelation throws STYX and BACCHUS. STYX and MINERVA

begin circling one another cautiously.
68 PANDEMONIUM

MINERVA: When you said prepare for pandemonium, you didn’t mean
it metaphorically, did you? Persephone mentioned to me that the
gates of Olympus are a gateway to the underworld, too. And that
was your plan all along: to use my helmet to open the gates of Hell.
BACCHUS: (Smiling.) Uh-oh, Styx, I think she’s onto us.
MINERVA: Why, Bacchus? Why do something so crazy?
BACCHUS: Because it’s my destiny, dummy! I’m the god of
debauchery. Picture it: every vice and sin from every era of human
history flooding into this world all at once.
MINERVA: Eternal chaos.
STYX: (Correcting MINERVA.) Pandemonium.

rm fo l
BACCHUS: (Gesturing broadly.) The ultimate party.
rfo ot sa
STYX: With me as the gatekeeper.
BACCHUS: And moi as the host.

ce
MINERVA: It’s a brilliant plan, I have to say. And you almost got away
r
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with it.
BACCHUS: (Laughing.) Easy, Scooby Doo. We are still in control
an
here. I have the helmet.
Pe

MINERVA: You’re making the same mistake I did. You assume I’m
playing by the rules.
STYX: (Grabbing her sunglasses.) Sir, please allow me to wipe her
out.
BACCHUS: No. This is actually quite convenient, Styx. We might need
her if she lied to me about the helmet. If she does anything funny,
just kill her assistant.
MINERVA: It didn’t have to be like this, Bacchus. You could have
changed––become better.
BACCHUS: (Derisive.) Girl, I’m already perfect. Now let’s see what
this helmet can do. (Walks directly in front of the gates of Olympus
and slams the helmet on. He closes his eyes, clearly affected.) Tell
me, helmet… how do I open the gates of Hell?
MINERVA: You don’t have to do this! We can end this another way!
STYX: Talk to me, Bacchus! Is it working?

With both eyes closed, BACCHUS slowly raises both hands. SFX:
portal opening. A sound emanates and a light inside the gateway
illuminates, this time more intensely.
 JD ATKINS 69

BACCHUS: Oh, it’s working alright. This helmet is a trip!

STYX: Yes!

In her excitement, STYX releases ALEX, who runs over to MINERVA.

ALEX: Miss Owler, I’m so sorry. Are you OK?

MINERVA: I’m the one who’s sorry, Alex. I let you down. But not
anymore. Bacchus! Last chance. I’m trying to make you see that it’s
not too late for you to change!
BACCHUS: (Pointing, enraged.) Who are you to lecture me about
change! A tiger can’t change its leopard print pants, Minerva; you

rm fo l
proved that. It took you less than twenty-four hours of being back in
rfo ot sa
your family’s life before you pushed them all away. Changed? Yeah,
right. You’re alone… just like always.

ce
MINERVA: That’s true. I did push them away. But you’re wrong about
r
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one thing: I’m not alone. Today has shown me that a real family is
there for you whether you like it or not.
an
BACCHUS: What are you talking about?
Pe

MINERVA: I wonder, Bacchus, have I ever told you the story of

Polyphemus?
STYX: (Realizing.) Oh no.
MINERVA: Mars!

The statue next to the portal whips off its sheet; it was MARS.
BACCHUS looks at MARS, totally stunned.

BACCHUS: Mars?
MARS: Hiya, Cousin.
STYX: Bacchus! Hold on!

A statue next to STYX reveals itself to be DORIS.

STYX: Out of my way, mortal.

DORIS: Mortal, yes… (Performs a martial arts style takedown of
STYX.) …pushover, no. Go for it, Kid!
ALEX: What am I going to do?
DORIS: Not that Kid.
70 PANDEMONIUM

KID: (On BACCHUS’ blind side, KID reveals herself from under a
sheet.) This Kid.

BACCHUS, startled, runs into MARS, who puts him in a full nelson
hold.

MARS: Artemis! Now!

ARTEMIS and AGENTS enter with their weapons drawn.

ARTEMIS: Go! Go! Go!

STYX: No! (Breaks away enough to make her way to the portal.) Back

rm fo l
off! Back off if you don’t want me to wipe you out for good!
rfo ot sa
Pandemonium will happen, do you hear me? Even if I have to kill
every last one of you to achieve it!

ce
ARTEMIS: Give it up, Styx! We arrested the hounds. It’s over!
r
pe N ru

STYX: Never! You can’t stop us. Even if you lock us up today, we’ll
find a way to get back! Sooner or later, we will succeed in opening
the portal.
an
Pe

BACCHUS: (To STYX.) The portal is open now, you idiot! So where
is the chaos you promised me? Where is my army of the damned?!
STYX: I don’t know! They should be here!
MARS: (Shoving BACCHUS into STYX, right in front of the gate.)
Actually, that’s my fault. See, I already gave them their marching
orders. (Shouting.) Soldiers! Advance!
UNDEAD ARMY: (Offstage. In unison.) Etiam, Generalis!
BACCHUS: Oh no.
MINERVA: You’re right, Styx. We realized handing you over to the
cops would only stall you. So we made other arrangements.
STYX: What’s happening?
MARS: You opened the gates. Now prepare for the flood.

UNDEAD ARMY, in black clothing, claws its way out of the portal,
moaning. They grab hold of STYX and BACCHUS, who struggle to stay
free.

BACCHUS: No! Noo!! Get your hands off me! This is Prada!
MINERVA: Neptune! That’s your cue!
 JD ATKINS 71

NEPTUNE: (Whipping off his sheet.) I was a statue, too! Now everyone
breathe deeply. Time to send this wave back to where it came from.
(Gestures, inhales, then moves his arms in a fluid motion.) I called
this one the California Curl.

UNDEAD ARMY is swept back into the portal, pulling STYX and
BACCHUS with them.

MINERVA: Kid!

KID knocks three times on the gateway. The portal closes. Lights and
sounds dissipate, returning to normal. The family, stunned, regarding

rm fo l
one another with shock.
rfo ot sa
MARS: Did we do it?

ce
KID: I think we did.
r
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DORIS: So… what now?

an
Everyone looks to MINERVA.
Pe

MINERVA: (Shrugs.) Anyone know any good jokes?

Lights lower, scene transition.

ACT TWO, SCENE 5

AT START: Office of Owler Inquiries. Lights up on the interior. Several

weeks later. MINERVA walks in. It’s a new day, many weeks later. The
picture of Paul is hung back up, and next to it are pictures of VENUS,
PLUTO, and ZEUS. MINERVA inspects them all, then drops her coat
on her desk and sits down. She almost looks wistful. Enter ALEX, in a
Police Academy t-shirt, looking harried.

ALEX: Sorry I’m late, Miss Owler. Police Academy ran long.
MINERVA: I actually beat you to work? Well, it was bound to happen
eventually…. You didn’t have lunch yet, did you?
72 PANDEMONIUM

MARS enters with sandwiches.

MARS: Not to worry, Minnie, we grabbed subs on the way over. What
do you want? I’ve got ham and cheese, tuna and swiss...
ALEX: She’s vegetarian, Sergeant Mars, you know that! Did Kid say
when she was coming over?

KID enters through the bathroom door.

KID: Sorry, sorry I’m late!

ALEX: (Scoldingly.) You forgot again, didn’t you! Come on, how many
weeks before you get it right. Friday is…

rm fo l
ALEX and KID: Lunch with the family.
rfo ot sa
KID: I didn’t forget, Alex, I got caught up when an old guy had a heart
attack. You know, Minerva wasn’t so upset about my EMT job when

ce
it was her life I was saving. How are you feeling these days,
r
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Minerva? Relatively un-poisoned? Generally not dead? You’re

welcome. Ooo! Are those subs? Tell me you have ham and swiss.
an
MARS: Tuna and swiss. And don’t you dare touch these subs! You
Pe

turn that portal back into a bathroom and wash those hands!
KID: Ah, man!

KID exits to bathroom. DORIS and ARTEMIS enter through the front
door. DORIS is wearing an FBI jacket.

DORIS: Hey, everyone! Sorry we’re a little late. Hey, Alex! How’s
Police Academy?
ALEX: It’s great! I love it, so far. How’s the FBI treating you?
MARS: What kind of subs do you want?
ARTEMIS: Oh, Doris is doing great. She’s a real natural, my superiors
have really been impressed with her skills. We’re lucky Neptune let
us have her.

NEPTUNE and PERSEPHONE enter with bags of food.

DORIS: You mean, lucky I let Neptune off the hook.

NEPTUNE: Whatever floats her boat, I say.
 JD ATKINS 73

PERSEPHONE: Sorry we’re late, everybody. (Holding up food bags.)

Neptune insisted on buying food.
NEPTUNE: I bought kale burgers!

Beat.

PERSEPHONE: His idea.

NEPTUNE: No takers? Alright, more for me.
KID: (Entering.) Bathroom’s free if anybody needs it. Toss me one of
those tuna subs.

ALL start unwrapping their food, but ALEX stops and looks up.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ALEX: Hey, Miss Owler. You’re kind of quiet today. Is anything the
matter?

ce
MINERVA: (Smiling.) No. Everything’s perfect.
r
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ALL share a smile and then they dig into their lunch. Blackout.
an
Pe

THE END
 Pe
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rfo ot sa
NOTES:

rm fo l
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 Pe
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rfo ot sa
NOTES:

rm fo l
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 Pe
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rfo ot sa
NOTES:

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NOTES:
PANDEMONIUM
By JD Atkins
Type: Full Length Play
Genre: Mystery
Duration: 90 minutes
Cast: 6 females, 3-4 males, 8-16 either (17-26 total cast)
Flexibility: 5-20 extras

Who killed Zeus? That is the question that private detective Minerva
Owler is trying to answer in modern day New York City. The Greek
gods live incognito among the mortals, but when Zeus is murdered
by one of their own, it is up to the goddess of wisdom, Minerva, to
find out who is behind the betrayal. With the help of her Olympian
siblings––the EMT Mercury and Sergeant Mars of the NYPD––
Minerva leads the investigation, but it may already be too late. Only
the world’s wisest detective stands a chance at finding the traitor in
time to stop the coming of Pandemonium.