It’s

Not All About “Me”:

The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with
Anyone

By: Robin K. Dreeke

















It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick
Rapport with Anyone Copyright © 2011 Robin K. Dreeke

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any
manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the
case of brief quotations used in articles and reviews.

Editing by: Cynthia Lewis; Chris Hadnagy.

Cover Photo: © Sergey Ilin, Dreamstime.com

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and not
those of the FBI.
For more information please visit www.peopleformula.com




To my beautiful wife and wonderful children; without your
support, encouragement, and example this book would not have
been possible. To all my friends and family my heartfelt thanks for
continually showing me the way. To my great friends Cynthia and
Chris, thanks for your endurance, tenacity and never ending selfless
help.

 Man in the Arena



“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong
man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short
again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but
who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for
a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high
achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring
greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who
knew neither victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt “Citizenship in a Republic,”
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910


Table of Contents

Introduction. 7

Identifying the Need. 10

Technique 1: Establishing Artificial Time Constraints. 13

Technique 2: Accommodating Nonverbals. 19

Technique 3: Slower Rate of Speech. 27

Technique 4: Sympathy or Assistance Theme. 32

Technique 5: Ego Suspension. 39

Technique 6: Validate Others. 46

Validation Technique 1: Listening. 46

Validation Technique 2: Thoughtfulness. 49

Validation Technique 3: Validate Thoughts and Opinions. 50

Technique 7: Ask… How? When? Why?. 52

Technique 8: Connect With Quid Pro Quo. 60

Technique 9: Gift Giving (Reciprocal Altruism). 66

Technique 10: Manage Expectations. 71

Putting it all together: 76

Practice Exercises: 80

Exercise 1: Third Party Reference. 81

Exercise 2: Artificial Time Constraints. 83

Exercise 3: Slower Rate of Speech. 85

Exercise 4: Sympathy or Assistance Theme. 86

Exercise 5: Ego Suspension. 88

Exercise Summary: 90

Bibliography. 91

Introduction

What if I told you there was a way to gain the skills of master
communicators? Skills that can enable you to induce any stranger to divulge
inner-most secrets, banking information, or even take actions against your
best interests, all voluntarily? These people don’t have any different ability or
skills than you have or use every day. The difference is they know what these
ten techniques are and how to employ them effectively and consciously.

This book is unique because it contains a very actionable process for
how to treat individuals exactly how we all wish we were treated every
minute of every day of our lives. This book is also different because this
process of how to truly focus on others is written from my point of view and
my experiences as a former Marine Corps officer, FBI special agent and
program manager of the FBI’s elite Behavioral Analysis Program. The
leadership and interpersonal skills I needed to develop as a Marine Corps
officer and an FBI agent are capsulated in this workbook formatted guide.

I am going to share what I have found is the most successful way to
face all aspects of life, both personal and professional. This process has been
honed from years of field experience, as well as research into social and
evolutionary psychology. The results from the process will range from simply
making those around you truly enjoy your company and seek to spend more
time with you all the way up to influencing others to take actions you want
them to take. Regardless of your individual goals, the key is to make it “all
about them.”

Studies have demonstrated time after time that the happiest individuals
in the world are the ones with meaningful relationships. Those who have both
a wide array of friends and acquaintances as well as relationships of deep
meaning with a few acquaintances tend to be happier in life than those who
have placed items and material accomplishments as their individual goals for
happiness. These ten simple steps, whether used completely or in parts will
have a profoundly positive impact on the quality of any relationship in your
life, whether the relationship is at home, work, play, or simply talking with
strangers.

As technology has moved forward and brought the world closer
together through social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, and
numerous other online social sites, many of the one-on-one skills utilized to
develop rapport and deeper relationships is falling prey to the ease and
convenience of just turning off a computer when something isn’t said just
right or one of your hundreds of contacts / friends on Facebook says
something that annoys you. The easy fix is to just pay attention to one of the
other of hundreds of people you are in contact with on a daily basis in one
way or another. One of the critical elements missing from this wonderful
technology that has brought individuals from all over the world together is the
ability to have a meaningful one-on-one conversation.

The art of conversation and developing rapport with any individual,
whether a friend, loved one, work associate, or stranger, comes down to the
ability of at least one of the individuals dialoging to do at least one of the ten
concepts I am going to illustrate in this book. As you read each section that
highlights one of the ten techniques, think back to a good conversation or
relationship that you have had throughout your life. I will bet that if the
conversation was enjoyable to you, whether you were speaking to a friend or
stranger, at least one of the ten elements was present. A conversation that has
two to four of the elements will be one you will remember for a very long
time. A conversation that has nine to ten of the elements will be remembered
for a lifetime.
Identifying the Need

I will start our journey through this process by first stating that I discovered
how to identify these steps because I desperately needed it. Discovering these
tools and techniques was and continues to be a great challenge and adventure.
I have found that I generally say I’m sorry more than most people I know. I
think this is true because I sometimes stray from my own process, as well as I
am highly aware of myself and the impact I have on others through nonverbal
observations. Unlike the great many wonderful people in my life, I was not
designed by either my biology or any higher power to be as strongly people
oriented as others. Studies of personality assessments such as the Myers
Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the Five Factor Model, the Personality
Discernment Instrument (DISC), and many others identify that about 50% of
the population tends to be people oriented. These are the types of individuals
who ask you about your day and family, wait to hear the answer, and truly
care about the answer. The other 50% of us roll through life generally a bit
more self-absorbed and unwitting to the emotional damage we cause by our
insensitive comments, our self-centered conversations, or our inability for
empathy or personalization.

Regardless of the fact that I care very deeply for many people and feel
great compassion and empathy, at times, my ability to accurately
communicate those feelings has fallen short of the mark. For many
individuals such as myself, the fact that the way you feel about a situation or
person can look, sound, and feel very incongruent with those you are
communicating with. This book will help people naturally communicating
effectively as well as those who want to improve their ability to make good
connections, communicate effectively, and even influence individuals if they
so desire.

My first awareness of needing to improve my skills and realizing it is not
all about “me” occurred while I was a midshipman at the U.S. Naval
Academy. I am a very outgoing person who enjoys meeting strangers and
having lively discussions on just about any topic. I find people fascinating and
intriguing and really enjoy getting to know them. Unfortunately, when I was
18 years old I also had a very bad habit of being judgmental of others. Having
a “big mouth” and voicing my opinions openly didn’t help matters. I had a
great deal of self-confidence and thought that if the whole world were just a
bit more like me it would be perfect and we would all get along wonderfully. I
also felt compelled for some reason to voice my dissent of those who didn’t
fit into my perception of the perfect world.

During my four years at the Naval Academy and my five on active duty as
a Marine Corps officer, I was slowly learning that I was inadvertently causing
hurt feelings, discomfort, and negative thoughts about me because of my
insensitive words and actions. Each time this happened, I was shocked and
embarrassed. I was realizing that, often, the way I was communicating my
thoughts and ideas was not accurate portrayals of how I truly felt inside. Have
you ever had this situation? If so, then you will benefit from this book.

As I matured and became more self-aware, these instances were fewer and
the severity of the effect I sometimes had was less, but they still did occur.
Causing ill feelings and discomfort bothered me greatly. The combination of
becoming a husband and father aided the process of self-regulation, but not
until I became an FBI agent and eventually both an instructor and in charge of
the Behavioral Analysis Program was I able to take all the skills I had learned
in the field as a successful street agent into actionable tools. When I began
developing my own self-awareness of the process, I was truly amazed, and
hopefully you will be, at how translatable these skills are into every aspect of
our lives. As a matter of fact, I have found that I have more examples of these
tools in action when dialoging with my family, neighbors, and even strangers
in a checkout line than I do as an FBI special agent. This is because all of us
are human beings and respond to the same biological and personal needs and
wants in any situation. My deepest desire is that you will find this book usable
in the many complex aspects of your life and that you are able to build
stronger relationships with those you know, make strangers feel better about
themselves, and, ultimately, feel great about the type of person you are.
Research has shown that the happiest individuals in the world are those with
strong interpersonal relationships, regardless of any material wealth they do
or do not have.

Technique 1: Establishing Artificial Time Constraints

Have you ever been sitting in a bar, an airport, a library, or browsing in a
bookstore when a stranger tried to start a conversation with you? Did you feel
awkward or on your guard? The conversation itself is not necessarily what
caused the discomfort. The discomfort was induced because you didn’t know
when or if it would end. For this reason, the first step in the process of
developing great rapport and having great conversations is letting the other
person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really close.

I recently was giving a class on advanced approach techniques. In this class
we go over each of these techniques in great detail and then practice them live
in whatever area of the country we may be. This particular class was the first
one I had developed where the students would have to go out in the middle of
the afternoon during lunch-time and approach individuals using the
techniques we are discussing here. The only objective was to have a
meaningful conversation with someone and learn their full name and a bit
more about them than what they were having for lunch. To be successful, they
had to get a little more personal.

When I teach my classes, I also participate in the same tasks as the
attendees. I do this because it ensures I am fully aware of the types of venues
that the class is operating in and it keeps my skills sharp and ever enhancing
as well. During this particular exercise, I had chosen an area that had a busy
Panera Bread Company. Compounding the high tempo of the area was the
fact that it was 1pm on a busy lunch hour. My plan was to practice at this
venue, and I noticed that a few of my students had followed me in. Now I
really felt the pressure.

This was a difficult environment to have a deep conversation with a
stranger anyway. The place was packed with a line out the door, had very
little sitting room, and now I was being watched by my students. I needed to
be on my “A” game.

Regardless of being watched or not, the most important thing to have is
confidence in the process. The process and the techniques are specifically
designed around our human genetics and biology to maximize our potential
success. When you have confidence in the process and techniques, you also
will look calmer and not look, as my daughter says, “awkward.”

I was standing in the long line waiting to order a salad. I was scanning the
area for a conversation opportunity. While scanning, I went through my plan
and techniques to ensure I was ready when a situation presented itself. I
believe in using conversational nonthreatening “themes” in my dialogues. My
themes are also based around my life and what is currently going on in it.
Again, when you are discussing things that have meaning and are truthful, it
is much easier to make a positive connection. I do not believe in lying when
engaging individuals. However, I may exaggerate from time to time about
how much I may enjoy a particular hobby or interest, but I will never deceive
about my knowledge and/or experience of the same; it is too easy to spot
insincerity.

The theme that had come up recently in my house was dating age. My
daughter at the time was 13 years old and we were having some good
discussions about what an appropriate dating age is. [email me sometime and
I’ll give you my thoughts] I had used this theme a few times already with
really fun and exciting results. One evening I had gone with a class to a local
restaurant and sat at the busy bar. I initiated the question about dating age to
the bartender and within 15 minutes the entire bar area was engaged in the
conversation with many topical offshoots.

Back at the Panera restaurant, the clerk behind the counter finally called
my number. I maneuvered my way through the sea of people to pick up my
order. I took my salad and began the slow walk while scanning for a seat. Out
of the corner of my eye, I noticed some of my students watching me with a
grin that implied, “Ok, let’s see how you deal with this place.” I gave them a
slight nod as I tried to hide my anxiety of potentially failing in front of them
when, to my relief, I found a small two-person table in the sea of tables and
bodies. Before I sat down, I quickly noted a gentleman that looked to be a
“baby boomer” (an individual typically born between the years of 1945-
1965.) Part of the exercise this day was to approach an individual from a
different generation.

The gentleman was dressed nicely in a business casual button up shirt
and dress pants. His hair was graying and combed neatly to the back and side.
He was eating a sandwich and entirely engrossed in reading material on his
smartphone. His two-person table was to the left of mine, and I sat down so
that we were facing each other.

I sat there and began eating my salad and strategized how I was going
to initiate and have a productive conversation with someone clearly engaged
with and completely content reading on his smartphone. I thought that
because his chair was facing mine, he might glance up at some point, and I
could engage then. To my dismay, as my salad was disappearing, he never
once lifted his head.

Trusting in the techniques and methods, I decided to use what I call
“implied artificial time constraints.” I knew that the man was not regarding
me but probably picked me up in his peripheral vision. I also figured that once
I initiated a dialogue, he would quickly assess the situation to determine
whether it was threatening or not. Most human beings assess new situations
and people for threat before anything else. Humans have genetically survived
because of this. This is a strong reason why these techniques work; they are
specifically designed to lower the perceived risk to a stranger.

The implied artificial time constraint I decided to use was my salad. I
also decided to take out my own smartphone and begin to peruse e-mail in a
nonverbal matching gesture. Nonverbal matching can be used effectively if
done lightly and in non-obvious ways. In this particular case I planned on
using the prop of my smartphone to aid in the initiation of the conversation.

I finally finished my salad and put both my napkin and fork on the plate
and pushed it away to the other side of the table, implying that I was done and
getting ready to leave. This action was the implied time constraint. I regarded
my smartphone again while facing the gentleman and frowned while
furrowing my brow. I then leaned in toward the gentleman so he could hear
me and said, “I’m sorry to bother you. I’m about to leave and have been
having a tough conversation with my wife. (I implied nonverbally that it was
through the blackberry email.) I have a teenage daughter, and she is on social
networking sites and the like. What do you think is an appropriate age for
girls to start dating?” (I threw out the social networking sites as well, even
though it wasn’t relative to the primary question. That was to add one more
content topic in case he wanted to discuss that topic, too.)

As I was asking my question and establishing my stated artificial time
constraints, “I’m about to leave,” I noted the man assessing the situation for
threat. He first looked at me with a puzzled look and facial compression.
(Compression can indicate stress.) He next looked at the smartphone in my
hand and my finished salad on the table. All of my surroundings were
congruent with the words being spoken. Both the congruence of events and
statements, as well as the artificial time constraints, must have satisfied the
gentleman. He smiled broadly and stated, “I have a 25 and a 23 year old
daughter.” I replied, “Ahh, I have an expert.” He laughed and began talking
about his thoughts, opinions, and ideas.

As the rest of the techniques unfold throughout this book, I will use this
and other stories to illustrate how each technique was used to elicit a
wonderful conversation from anyone of our choosing. In this case, the
gentleman spoke with me for almost thirty minutes about his daughters, their
first boyfriends and how he and his wife have handled the “empty nest”
syndrome with them moving out. I had originally stated and then nonverbally
implied I was leaving right then. By establishing those artificial time
constraints, the gentleman’s perception of a threat was lowered, and he readily
engaged for a much longer time. As a matter of fact, at one point I got up to
leave. As I thanked him, he started on another conversation and I sat back
down and continued to listen.

It is very important to remember that not one technique can guarantee
success. Even perfect execution of all techniques cannot guarantee success.
The proper execution of as many techniques as possible will greatly enhance
your probability of success and ensure you will have better conversations and
more meaningful rapport than you would have otherwise.

There are experiential exercises at the end of the book for you to try.
The purpose of the exercises are to illustrate that these techniques don’t just
sound good on paper but that you can be very successful executing them
yourself. I have not had an individual in any of my seminars yet say that they
didn’t believe in the process and techniques once they tried them for
themselves. You can try the exercises as you read or wait until the end. I
would offer that the more you practice, the better you will become.

There are not many places that teach these advanced techniques. By the
end of this book and related exercises, you will have experienced your own
self-education in this area, as well as demonstrated multiple successes with
each technique. The exercises are not meant to be either hard or time-
consuming. The key to remember when practicing each of the techniques is
that each builds upon the last and that not all the individuals you will be
chatting with are ready to receive the gift you are about to give them… the
gift of a great conversation with you. Each person you engage should walk
away at the end feeling great about themselves and the conversation with you.

Technique 2: Accommodating Nonverbals

Did you ever see a photograph of someone and say, “He looks like a
pompous idiot.” The opening statement and actions in any interaction set the
tone for the engagement, as well as establish whether the individual being
engaged will look upon you favorably or unfavorably. In the last chapter we
discussed artificial time constraints. Next on the list of techniques is
accommodating nonverbals. This chapter will explore how to “look” like a
nonthreatening nice person to converse with.

Most of us are already good at recognizing nonverbal demeanor. We don’t
necessarily register it consciously, but once given a few labels like we are
about to do, we can be much more proactive in our nonverbal assessments.
For example, ask yourself if you know when someone at work is having a bad
day. You probably recognize when someone is having a bad day, even without
them saying a word. This is because they “look different.” That is to say, they
look different from what they normally look like on every other day.

When you walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, are you naturally
drawn to those who look angry and upset or those with smiles and laughing?
Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you should utilize to look
more accommodating. In Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and
Influence People” it is principle number two of six. In my many years of
leadership in the government, as well as in the development of confidential
human sources, I have found that a genuine smile goes a long way in
developing rapport.

Smiling is a great baseline behavior to exhibit in order to establish rapport,
but it can be accentuated through the subtle use of a few other nonverbal head
displays. Adding a slight head tilt shows the other person that you have
comfort with them and trust them. Another nonverbal to try and maintain is a
slightly lower chin angle. High chin angles give the impression of looking
down your nose at someone and that you are aloof or better than them. The
following photos give some great examples of accommodating nonverbal
head displays.



Practice exercise:

The best way to get good and natural at displaying accommodating
nonverbal of the face and head is to practice. First, look into a mirror and
regard your “normal” look. Once you have established your normal look,
simply say out loud, “Hi, how are you?” Next, give yourself a slight head tilt,
ensure your head is very slightly angled down as shown above and smile as
you say again, “Hi, how are you?” You should both look and feel differently
when attempting this very simple yet effective exercise.

This technique requires a great deal of practice if you do not naturally have
accommodating nonverbals. We all have some from time to time, but, in
situations when it matters most, it is good to have experience with displaying
the best you can. Displaying accommodating nonverbal behavior is not
difficult or complex. Like many of the other techniques, these alone may not
work. But in conjunction with the other techniques, you will most likely have
more engaging conversations with friends and strangers.

Every individual is different, and I have found for myself that working
from the top of the body down is the easiest way to practice and check
myself. Working from the top down is generally more effective because
individuals tend to focus on the head and face. Accommodating facial
nonverbals will go a long way to building quick rapport. I recently had an
incident with someone who was clearly in a fit of road rage toward me. I
consciously lowered my chin, tilted my head, and utilized a subdued friendly
smile while apologizing. Imagine how the conversation would have gone had
I apologized with my head tilted back with a smirk on my face? Mr. Road
Rage would read my face as not being genuine in my apology and would have
escalated the conflict even more.

Another favorite accommodating nonverbal I like to use is body angle.
Especially when meeting someone for the first time it is important to have a
nonthreatening body angle. When two people stand toe to toe, it can be very
intimidating, especially if they are strangers. A slight body angle or blade
away from the individual you are engaging will present a much more
accommodating nonverbal.

Notice how Vice President Biden is standing with no body angle toward
Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin on the other hand is bladed at an angle and even
leaning back a little. Vice President Biden was not demonstrating
accommodating nonverbals and Sarah Palin is reacting negatively to him.

A great example of the power of accommodating nonverbals happened
when I was on a trip with a colleague out in San Francisco. I was making a
presentation on Social Engineering and how to elicit information to a group of
law enforcement executives. Following the conference, my colleague and I
were sitting in the hotel’s lobby. The lobby was spacious and had a coffee
counter that served coffee, dessert pastries, etc. A young woman walked up to
the counter to order a coffee. My friend and I were sitting sipping on our own
coffee about 30 feet away and my friend noticed that the woman was wearing
knee-high boots. My friend explained that he was in the market for a pair of
boots like that as a gift for his wife. He went on to ask me if I wouldn’t mind
using a little subterfuge to get a photo of the boots so he could show his wife
to check whether she liked the style. My friend went on to explain this
elaborate scheme of pretending to photograph him with my cell phone with
her innocently in the background. I looked at him doubtfully and said, “I’ll
just go ask her.”

I quickly put my plan in place using the ten techniques. The main
objective in all engagements is simple; the person you are engaging must
leave the conversation and interaction feeling better for having met you. This
primary goal will help ensure success. I always want to ensure that I do not
give the impression that I have romantic interests in any target, male or
female. For that reason, I always rely upon a theme that I am trying to do
something very special for my wife. I also strongly believe in sticking to the
truth; if you are ever caught in a lie or deception, the relationship is damaged
greatly. In this specific encounter, I had to ensure I used accommodating
nonverbals, as well as established artificial time constraints.

The young lady was standing at the counter awaiting her beverage when
I approached. I bladed my body to not face her directly. I then ensured that
my head angle was slightly down and that I had a pleasant smile with a slight
head tilt. I said, “Hi, my friend and I have to leave in a second, and I am very
sorry to bother you, but I was hoping you could help me.” The young lady
didn’t back away but had a quizzical look on her face as she sheepishly said,
“ok….” I quickly explained that my friend was searching for the perfect gift
for his wife for a special anniversary they had coming up. The young lady
began relaxing a bit more as her beverage was delivered from the barista. I
explained how my friend was looking for a pair of boots like the ones that she
was wearing but wasn’t sure if his wife would like them. The young lady
quickly interrupted explaining how she came to purchase the boots herself
from a store down the block. She went on to describe how much they cost and
what she liked and didn’t like about them. I validated each of her statements
and continued to encourage her to talk about a topic that she apparently
enjoyed. When she was finished with her description of the boots, I asked if
she wouldn’t mind if I took a picture of the boots so that my friend could
check with his wife if these were the type of boots that she would like. The
young lady was very happy to accommodate and posed for multiple photos.

During the dialogue, I also was able to obtain a vast amount of
personal information about where the young lady worked, grew up, her full
name, family background, and other details. The entire exchange took 12
minutes. As the young lady departed, I thanked her for her time and offered to
buy her another coffee. She declined and thanked me for such a good chat.

The story is a great example of how powerful each technique can be.
Using the techniques is very similar to giving a gift. A gift in general terms is
an action taken and given when thinking solely of another individual’s needs
and wants. When using these techniques, each of us is ultimately thinking
solely about the other person. In other words, it is not about me.

The final accommodating nonverbal that is easy to incorporate into your
behavior is the handshake. An accommodating handshake is one that matches
the strength of the other, and also takes more of a palm up angle. Note again
the photo of Vice President Biden and Sarah Palin. Her hand is palm up and
his is palm down in a dominance display. Sarah Palin was not necessarily
trying to be accommodating in this situation, but her nonverbals were.
Likewise, Vice President Biden was clearly not demonstrating
accommodating nonverbals.

A few years ago I also noted former presidential candidate Mike
Huckabee in a media photo. He was doing the same thing. Mike Huckabee
demonstrates excellent accommodating nonverbal behavior. He generally has
a lower chin angle; he leans in to listen with a slight head tilt and shakes
hands palm up. Some have said that this may be because of his days as a
pastor greeting individuals following a service. Whichever the case is, he is
another great example of accommodating nonverbal.



All of the ten techniques alone will not guarantee success. Please
remember that not everyone is ready to receive the gift you are offering.
These techniques will greatly enhance your chances of a successful
conversation and engagement, but some people may be in an emotional place
at the time of the engagement where they are not willing to receive these
special gifts and accommodating nonverbals. Do not take it personally;
remember, it is not that they are doing it to you, it is all about them.

Technique 3: Slower Rate of Speech

The last chapter discussed how to “look” more accommodating by ensuring
we have accommodating and open nonverbal body language. The next
technique is also considered “nonverbal” even though it is about speaking.
There are many aspects to our voice that are nonverbal. Nonverbals of the
voice merely refer to the tempo, modulation, and inclination of your voice, to
name a few. When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound
more credible than those who speak quickly.

Our natural rate of speech is going to depend on many factors besides our
individual genetics and biology. For the purpose of this guide, we will
explore two that we can consciously adjust if we choose to. The first is to
what degree an individual is extroverted. According to the Meyers Briggs
Type Indicator based upon the work of psychologist Carl Jung, individuals
who are extroverted derive their energy from the external world. As an
extroverted individual converses with other people, the energy level of the
individual increases. The increased energy level often-times will manifest
itself in a higher rate of speech. Approximately 50% of the population has a
preference for extroversion.

The preference for extroversion does not mean that we are limited in how
each of us can interact with the world. Like many of our traits and qualities,
this is merely the starting point. Preferences for how we prefer to engage
other people are just that, preferences.

Preference Exercise: For example, take out a piece of paper and a pen or
pencil. Sign your name twice.

Next: Switch hands with the pen or pencil and sign your name again
twice.

On the same piece of paper list a few words that describe how it felt when
you signed your name with your dominant or “preferred hand.” Some of the
more common adjectives I have heard are:

1. Easy
2. Fast
3. I didn’t have to think about it
4. No problem

Make another list for what you thought and felt regarding signing with
your non-dominant or non-preferred hand. This list typically includes
adjectives such as:

1. Geez
2. Tough
3. I had to think about it
4. I had to write much slower
5. I think I may have a problem
6. My two-year-old son writes better

These responses are typical. We all have a genetic preference for which
hand we prefer to write with. Think for a minute if you ever lost use of your
dominant hand. I often have individuals in my classes who have had their
dominant hand incapacitated for a period of time. Over time they develop the
ability to write and function much easier with their non-dominant hand. They
chose out of necessity to become better at their non-biological preferred hand.

I love this illustration because it demonstrates one of my critical concepts
that I subscribe to. I do not believe in trying to “change” people. When
someone says, “You need to change.” Or, “I can change her.” I think you are
setting yourself up for a disappointing task. Many psychologists subscribe to
the theory that much of our personalities are based upon genetics and biology.
Personalities are deeply impacted by our individual experiences that shape
them, but ultimately we are born with our personality fundamentals. We
cannot change our biology or genetics, but we can enhance or dampen them
when needed and when we choose to.

When required, each of us would be able to choose to get better at writing
with our non-dominant hand. Likewise, when called upon, each of us can
modify our rate of speech when we choose to. The power of modifying
ourselves isn’t limited to rate of speech. It can also be applied to every step in
this process. Having tools empowers us with choice about how to interact
with the world around us.

The other major factor that can define our rate of speech is our
demographics, or where we grew up in the country or world. Demographics
have a significant impact on not just rate of speech but in many other ways
that each of us views the world around us. For example, I grew up in lower
New York State, not too far north of New York City. Where I grew up, the
vast majority of individuals who enjoyed following sports were avid
professional sports fans. I happen to be a New York Yankee and New York
Jets fan. All the media outlets in New York cover professional sports at a very
deep level. A number of years ago when my wife and I moved to Virginia, I
was astounded by the difference regarding sports. The majority of sports fans
I have met and who are my friends and colleagues in this region are avid
college sports fans. On Saturdays during college football season, most houses
in our subdivision can be seen flying the flag of either University of Virginia
or Virginia Tech. I am always fascinated by the differences for each of our
preferences based upon demographics.

Whereas our rate of speech is impacted largely by our biology and genetics,
like in the sports analogy, it is impacted by our demographics. Some
individuals like me who grew up in New York or even New England are
thought to be more of “quick talkers.” Just like in the handwriting example, I
can choose to alter my preference for the speed with which I speak. This need
became apparent to me one day when working in my unit at FBI headquarters
a few years ago.

One day, a few of my fellow agents and I were standing outside our
cubicles discussing an urgent matter concerning an operational scenario for an
investigation that one of the special agents in “the field” was trying to
conduct. Each of us had an opinion and most were looking to me and what I
had to say about it because of my experience and background in the area. I
had conducted the type of operation numerous times before and became very
animated and excited because I was so familiar with the content. My
confidence in the topic, my extroversion and my New York demographics
enabled me to unwittingly increase my speech tempo dramatically. Toward
the end of the discussion, I clearly remember one of my friends leaning over
to me as we were standing in the conversation circle and quietly saying, “We
all know how credible you are Robin. When you speak that fast you lose your
credibility. Slow it down so you are not overselling, and stop appearing as
though you are trying to sell us a bad used car.”

The realization of my friend’s observation made a very profound and
positive impact on me. From that day forward, I began to notice my speech
tempo. Whenever I have a conversation that I believe is important for me to
be credible in my content, I purposely slow down the delivery and take pauses
for people to absorb the content of what I have just said.

This translates to meeting and chatting with strangers very easily. Speak
slower when having a dialogue and you will not come across as the “bad used
car salesman.” This was illustrated very well in the story I told in chapter 2
about how I was able to take photographs of the young woman’s boots at the
coffee house in San Francisco. I used all the techniques we are discussing
here, and I delivered them with a slow rate of speech. Like all the techniques,
just using one will not guarantee success, but the compounded effect of as
many as you can do will greatly enhance your odds of a great conversation
and better rapport and relationships.

Technique 4: Sympathy or Assistance Theme

Have you ever felt a pang of guilt for turning down someone seeking
help? I have personally found that there is no greater theme and tool for
eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great conversation than the
use of sympathy or assistance. Think for a moment about the times in your
life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to provide it. When
the request is simple, of limited duration, and non-threatening, we are more
inclined to accommodate the request. As human beings, we are biologically
conditioned to accommodate requests for assistance. The compulsion is based
upon the fact that our ancient ancestors knew that if they did not provide
assistance when asked, the assistance would not be granted to them if
requested at a later date. Each of us carries the genetics for this as a survival
mechanism.

The importance of keeping the request easy and nonthreatening cannot
be overemphasized. When individuals perceive that the assistance would
imperil them or involve a cost to them, they are much less likely to
accommodate such requests, especially with a stranger. Individuals who have
close anchored bonds and relationships can rely on tougher requests, but, for
the purpose of developing quick rapport and conversations, keep the requests
“light.”

A few years ago, I was on a work trip where I was going to provide
training to agents in the art of elicitation. Elicitation is the act of inducing an
individual to provide information without asking any direct questions related
to the information that you seek and much too detailed a topic to be covered
in this book. For more on elicitation and the techniques required please
contact me via my Website, http://www.peopleformula.com

While I was on this trip, I was traveling with another agent and friend
who also was presenting in the course. My friend was intrigued and amazed
that an individual was able to obtain so much information and great
conversations from others with the use of these simple techniques. I had just
demonstrated to him how easy it was to obtain personal information from a
gentleman by the name of Albert at our rental car counter.

The next morning, I met my friend in the hotel lobby where a free
continental breakfast was offered to guests. We had agreed the night before to
meet at the breakfast buffet before going to the location for the training. When
we sat down, my friend asked if the techniques worked with everyone. I
elaborated that they are specifically designed to be effective on all human
beings based upon our evolutionary biology. I added that each of our
individual responses to the techniques is affected not only by the context of
the situation and the skills of the individual using the techniques but also the
most important unknown, the individual experiences of those we choose to
interact with. Based upon an individual’s life experiences the techniques will
be more or less effective because of free will and choice. Great practitioners
of these skills must be patient and continue to be accommodating of others if
they hope to become a master conversationalist and rapport builder.

Each of us had gotten up, selected some items from the buffet and
returned to our table to eat. While taking a much needed sip of coffee, my
friend placed a challenge before me. He challenged me to elicit a good
conversation from the very next person that walked into the breakfast room
before we left for our daily presentations. My friend also added that I was to
obtain personal information to maintain contact after we departed. I agreed.

Within a few minutes, a young woman walked in who looked to be
close to my age. I had already strategized the first steps in the process of
utilizing artificial time constraints, accommodating nonverbals, and a slower
rate of speech. I also had planned on my sympathy theme in advance.

I have learned over years of utilizing these tools, as well as having to
interview and speak to hundreds if not thousands of people, that it is vitally
important to not give the impression that I have any romantic agenda or
purpose to my conversation; my wife especially appreciates that. The very
instant an individual believes you have romantic motives, the whole purpose
of the interaction changes. Most often, the individual with whom you are
chatting will quickly try to disengage and most likely not ever want to engage
with you again.

The theme I always like to use is doing something special for my wife. I
have learned that just mentioning you are married is not enough. Talking
about your children is not enough. When I have tried those conversational
techniques in the past, I have found that mentioning wives and children is
often-times not enough to keep an individual from thinking you are “hitting
on them.” However, when I have mentioned that I want to do something very
special for my wife, it demonstrates that not only am I married but that I think
a great deal about her and our relationship. This technique and theme
typically leave no doubt in the mind of the individual with whom you are
speaking that you do not have romantic intentions.

The young woman claimed a table a across the room from my friend
and me, placed her things on an empty chair at her table, and proceeded up to
the buffet. The buffet included a number of hot and cold breakfast items, such
as eggs, bacon, potatoes, breakfast breads, and cereals. I noted that this buffet
didn’t include anything particularly sweet. The breakfast room wasn’t overly
large and there were about 7-9 tables that accommodated up to four people.
Each table was relatively close to the buffet, which was placed out on tables
across one of the walls. It was pretty easy to hear conversation from the buffet
at each table. I watched the woman as my friend watched me, wondering how
I was going to approach this young woman and not seem like I was hitting on
her. I watched the woman, trying to identify a third-party reference with
which to initiate the conversation. As I mentioned earlier in the book, a third-
party reference is a topic used to initiate that isn’t too personal about the
individual targeted for the discussion. The topic also is not about you.
Individuals typically do not like talking to strangers about either of these
topics, at least not in the first few seconds.

Unfortunately, I was not able to discern an appropriate third-party
reference but I did take note of the fact that she had filled her plate with some
of the buffet but still seemed to be searching for something. I noted that her
plate had eggs, bacon, and toast. Following a few minutes of regarding the
table with a troubled look, she sat down by herself and began to eat.

I had noted to myself that I thought it was unusual for a breakfast buffet
like this one not to have anything sweet, such as cinnamon rolls, scones, or
pastries. I thought that maybe that was what she was looking for. Regardless,
I identified those items as good third-party references to use.

Following my observations, I finalized my strategy for opening the
dialogue and initiated my plan. I looked at my friend and told him to watch
and we’ll see what happens. I walked up to the buffet, grabbed another plate
and began regarding the buffet. Like the young woman, I stood and looked a
little puzzled. I ensured that I was within eyesight of her, but I kept my body
facing at an angle to her. I looked over my shoulder and spoke across the
room to my friend, “Hey, can you believe they don’t have any cinnamon
buns? It’s crazy, I need my sugar fix.” I made the statement with a good
natured non-threatening smile. My friend looked at me, smiled, and merely
shrugged. The young woman also looked up and smiled at me. I gave a very
brief smile back, turned away, and went back to sit down.

When I sat down, my friend looked at me and said, “That’s it? Where is
the great conversation?” I told him to be patient it was coming. I went on to
say that I had to desensitize her toward our presence and demonstrated that
we were not overly interested in her, but the third-party reference, cinnamon
buns. He nodded and said, “Ok, so what next?” “Patience,” I said. “Great
conversationalists have patience and wait for the right opportunity to
capitalize on opportunities that are natural and not ones that are forced.”

About ten minutes later, the young woman got up and walked over to
the coffee dispensers. I again nodded to my friend and said, “Here we go, let’s
see if she is ready to have a chat today.” I grabbed my coffee cup and
approached a coffee dispenser next to hers and began to pour some for
myself. My body was facing the coffee dispenser and not her as I stated
offhandedly, “The buffet is really nice, but can you believe there is nothing
sweet on that line?” The young woman turned toward me and smiled as she
said, “I know, I was looking for a cheese Danish. I try to eat healthy but enjoy
a treat now and then when I travel.” The young woman looked as though she
was willing to have a much greater conversation, but I decided to let her
desire for a chat build a little more so that I could clearly establish that I
didn’t have any romantic interests or ulterior motives. I simply smiled and
said, “That sounds good too, oh well.” I gave a quick, non-threatening smile
and returned to my seat with my friend. My friend said again, “So that was
the great conversation?” I said, “No, wait for it.…”

The young woman returned to her seat and took out the morning paper
to read as she was sipping her coffee. My friend and I finished our breakfasts
and prepared to leave. I picked up my brief-case and prepared to leave,
implied artificial time constraint. I walked by her table and she looked up. I
looked at my friend and said, “Maybe I can ask her.” My friend looked at me
in a quizzical way and said, “oooookay.” I kept my body angled slightly away
and said with a grin and with a playful type of conversational banter, “I’m
very sorry to bother you. My friend and I have to leave in a second to go to
work. He claims to be a great gift idea guy but he is failing miserably.” The
young woman smiled as my friend caught on to the conversation and
playfully added, “You just have no ability.” I responded, “You’re probably
right.”

The young woman was still smiling but looking a bit puzzled. I quickly
informed her that my wife and I were about to celebrate a special wedding
anniversary, and I was trying to get her something really special. I offered, “I
am at a real loss. I was hoping that you could help me with a few quick
ideas.” The woman smiled broader and said, “I’ll try. How many years has it
been for you two?” Over the course of the next 15 minutes, the young
woman, Julia, gave me some really great advice and ideas for anniversary
gifts. Along the way, I also learned that her husband also was in law
enforcement and that they had been married for a similar amount of time.
They also had two children and one was a child with special needs. My friend
who was with me also has a child with special needs, so they immediately had
a common interest. Julia and I also had a love for country music. All of us
departed for our day having felt better for having met each other.

I gained a significant amount of information about Julia in those 10-15
minutes. The wonderful technique of using the assistance or sympathy theme
continued to be highlighted throughout the week. My friend and I saw Julia
every morning at breakfast, and every morning she had another idea for me
and the anniversary. She always started the conversation with how bad she
felt she couldn’t help me more, and I kept validating her ideas by researching
each of them on my own so that she didn’t feel like I was wasting her time.
Between both work and the work of making better conversation and friends
with Julia, it was an exhausting week. In the end, my favorite idea was to take
my wife horseback riding, just the two of us and a guide. My wife loves
horseback riding, and I did just that for her when I got home.

Hopefully, by now, you are recognizing that each of these techniques is
very common and each of us utilizes them each day and in each moment of
our lives. The purpose of going through these techniques here is to
demonstrate to you what you are doing right when it goes well and why. Once
you have an understanding of what these techniques are, you can plan and use
them much more proactively in your life. Attending a get together or even just
walking around shopping with a plan on how to talk with and engage people
will give you a great sense of empowerment, connection, and understanding
of others. These actionable behavioral skills can then be applied to every
aspect of your professional life as well. Whether communicating with co-
workers or trying to build to a sale, these are the techniques that ultimately
win the day by demonstrating to the other individual, “It’s not all about me.”

Technique 5: Ego Suspension

Have you ever heard someone who made a false statement and NOT
corrected them? Suspending an individual’s ego is probably the most
challenging, as well as effective techniques out of all ten that we will cover
together. The ego is directly linked to so many of our interpersonal
interactions, if not all of them. Human beings are genetically coded to be self-
centered, or ego-centric, for our survival. When our ancient ancestors were a
hunter-gatherer society, if an individual did not look after his or her own
needs in those harsh environments, the chances of passing along the genes to
offspring were pretty low. Suspending our individual ego is the most difficult
because of our genetics. Conversely, it is one of the best techniques to utilize
when an individual chooses to have a positive interaction and attain rapid
rapport.

The most effective illustrator of this technique reminds me of a road rage
incident I faced not too long ago. I was driving back from a long endurance
run I had completed in the mountains of Virginia. The car ride home was
about three hours and, after spending most of the day running 32 miles, I was
very tired. My goal was simple, get home safely and eat pizza with my wife
and two children. I was about 10-15 minutes from home and traveling in a
congested part of Fredericksburg when I happened upon a scene that many of
us have faced at one time or another. I was driving in a through lane while a
left turn lane was partially backed up into the through lane. The tail end of the
last car in the left-hand-turn lane was hanging out into my lane a bit, and I
made the decision to just swerve to continue through. That’s when it
happened.

As soon as I swerved, I heard a horn blaring in my ear. I glanced to my
right and saw a large four-door pickup truck with a very angry middle-aged
man staring down at me giving me “the finger.” I also noticed that the man
had what looked like a 12-year-old girl as a passenger in his back seat. I
surmised that the young girl was probably his daughter and thought to myself
that he would probably gain his composure rapidly because of her. I was
wrong.

 I am going to digress at this point in the story for a moment because my
initial lack of reaction requires a bit of an explanation. My lack of giving the
man “the finger” back was not because of a higher plane of thinking or any
sense or moral altruism. In fact, I had done just that a number of years earlier
when I was first assigned as a new FBI agent in Manhattan, New York.

Following my new agent training in Quantico, Virginia, I was assigned to
the FBI field office in Manhattan, New York. I was a brand new agent, as well
as a Naval Academy graduate and a Marine Corps captain. This recipe for
egocentrism was very high. In hindsight, there is no doubt I thought it was all
about me. Within the first two weeks of my assignment, I remember walking
down to my vehicle parked on Thomas Street. (An agent had to get into the
office at around 5AM in order to get such a good spot so close to the office.) I
got into my vehicle, turned the ignition, and drove up to the intersection of
Church and Thomas and waited for the light to turn green. (FBI agents are
issued a handgun, handcuffs, pepper spray, and an expandable baton. On this
particular day, all I had with me were my gun and handcuffs, a mistake I
didn’t make again.)

While waiting for the light to turn from red to green, a New York bicycle
messenger sped in front of my vehicle on his way to deliver his next package
to a client. The messenger looked to be well over six feet tall and was covered
in muscle from what looked like years of riding the streets of New York City
delivering packages. He also had a very thick linked chain slung across his
body for locking up his bicycle at each location while he went into a building
to deliver his goods.

The bike messenger must have figured that I looked like an easy target, was
too far into the intersection or both, because he looked down at me in my
vehicle, sneered and gave me “the finger.” Since I was still in a very “all
about me” mode and full of the idea of myself and the all important “FBI
guy” I did what any other fool would have done… I gave him “the finger”
back as I said to myself, “Screw you too buddy, I’m an FBI guy.” This is the
time when life got interesting.

Just as the messenger whizzed by and I returned the one finger salute, the
light turned green and I went through the intersection to begin my battle to the
West Side Highway and my long journey home from the southern part of
Manhattan to the suburbs. I was making my way to the next intersection and
stop-light when I noticed a strange and somewhat terrifying sight in my
rearview mirror, the bike messenger was chasing me, and he was closing in
on me fast. The first thought that entered my mind after “oh #@$%” was that
this guy is going to kick my ass if he catches me. I then remembered that all I
had in the car with me was my handgun. The next thought that flashed
through my mind was what the front page of one the New York newspapers
would say the next morning if I had an altercation with the bike messenger
that involved my weapon. I decided my best course of action was to run away
and run fast.

I think I may have slightly exceeded the speed limit and possibly a few
stop-lights in my attempt to make it to the highway with a speeding bicycler
in pursuit. Luckily, I made it to the highway and my last glimpse of the
messenger in my rearview mirror was of him turning onto the highway as
well, looking determined to “get me.” This incident is still burned into my
brain and, as a result, I never have flashed a vulgarity at another motorist.

Back in Fredericksburg, Virginia, all these memories went through my
mind as I decided not to give Mr. Road Rage a vulgar gesture. My objective
was to get home. To achieve my objective, I would consciously think through
the next 10-15 minutes, which now included deescalating a road rage
incident. My initial inclination was to demonstrate to Mr. Road Rage that he
was overreacting and he was wrong. One way I thought of doing this was to
make a vulgar gesture. Other ways I have witnessed include flashing a badge,
staring down the individual back, yelling at the other vehicle, and even
getting out of the vehicle for an altercation. All of these actions and many
others are nothing more than egos battling for supremacy without much
regard for the consequences or objectives.

Mr. Road Rage got behind me, immediately put his bright lights on, and got
within 1-2 inches of my rear bumper. As I was driving with Mr. Road Rage
clearly fixated on me my wife called on my cell phone. I put my earpiece in
and heard her asking about how far away from home I was so she could order
pizza for me and our two children. I informed her that I was only about 10
minutes away, but it may take a few more minutes because I had a road rage
guy following me. My wife let out a little shriek over the phone and passed
along to me the instruction I always have given her in case of such an
incident. My wife told me to drive to the nearest police station and seek
assistance. I chuckled and told her that as good as I may be at times at
suspending my ego, the former Marine and FBI agent did not allow for this
and that I was not going to pull into a police station seeking help. I could
imagine the conversation if I had. “Hi, I’m an FBI agent and armed and there
is a road rage guy bothering me, HELP!” I do, however, encourage this
response from any of you that may encounter these radical situations.
Individuals will generally deescalate their anger as the police station comes
into view. Safety is always paramount. Never fuel an emotionally high-jacked
situation.

I informed my wife not to worry that I would use my skills to try to
deescalate the situation. Following the conversation with my wife, I set my
objectives. I wanted to get home, eat pizza, and have Mr. Road Rage calm
down and go home safe as well. Once the objective is set, executing the plan
comes down to how to communicate with those individuals impacted by your
objectives. My first step was to try and look as nonverbally nonthreatening as
possible. I tried to not look “challenging” to the Road Rage guy. I kept my
chin angle down, elbows down on the steering wheel and got into the
accommodating right-hand lane. Mr. Road Rage was not impressed with my
attempts and stayed right behind me, white knuckles on the steering wheel
and glaring at me.

Mr. Road Rage stayed with me for approximately 10 minutes through a few
turns and was very obviously following me and not letting go of his anger. He
was still looking for a confrontation. As I approached the next stop light, he
pulled into the lane immediately to my left and was still glaring at me with
white knuckles on his steering wheel. I decided I needed to elevate my
attempts at ego suspension. As the man glared down at me, I turned my head
towards him and, with a very sheepish, contrite smile, I simply mouthed the
words, “I’m sorry.” The impact was immediate and impressive. Mr. Road
Rage’s nonverbal demeanor immediately melted, and he lowered his
passenger side window. I saw that he was deescalating his hostility and felt it
safe to lower my window as well. Once the window was lowered, Mr. Road
Rage pointed his finger at me as he exclaimed, “It’s idiots like you who cause
accidents!” I continued to keep my ego suspended as I received the verbal
abuse. My response was simple and contrite, “I know; I said I was sorry.” I
cannot begin to explain the internal turmoil I had as a former Marine as well
as FBI agent to utter such words when I felt HE was the individual in the
wrong for his behavior, but I kept my focus on the objective. After my
statement, Mr. Road Rage looked positively perplexed and more nonverbal
melting was happening. He physically looked as though he were deflating.
Mr. Road Rage then gestured to his daughter in the back seat as he stated, “I
have my daughter in the back seat.” I now realized that his consternation with
my driving habits was most likely induced because he felt that his daughter’s
well-being was threatened by my behavior. Regardless of my revelation as to
“why,” I continued my ego suspension theme as I said, “I know, I have
children too… haven’t you ever made a mistake?” Mr. Road Rage looked
positively exhausted and amazed at this final statement. He clearly was
anticipating a confrontation and what he got was someone who was agreeing
with him… “ego suspension.” Mr. Road Rage looked at me after my final
statement and said, “Well… God bless you and your driving.” The light
turned green and he drove away without further incident.

Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than putting other
individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of your own. Most
times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each patiently waits for
the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is telling. Then, the
other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related topic and often
times in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story. Individuals
practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other
individual to talk about his or her story, neglecting their own need to share
what they think is a great story. Human beings are not genetically coded to
care as much about others and their stories as much as they care about their
own. Self-centeredness is genetically coded in each of us because, without it,
our ancestors would not have survived. Common etiquette and courtesy
dictates that individuals be given equal time to share their own story of the
events in their own life. Those individuals who allow others to continue
talking without taking their own turn are generally regarded as the best
conversationalists. These individuals are also sought after when friends or
family need someone to listen without judgment. They are the best at building
quick and lasting rapport.

My encounter with Mr. Road Rage is an excellent yet small example of ego
suspension. In this case, what I believed to be my reasons as well as my own
perception of the events did not matter. All that mattered to Mr. Road Rage
was to prove he was correct in a very self-centered way. He was so
emotionally high-jacked he did not have a larger set of objectives, like safety
for himself or his daughter. Thinking clearly, setting objectives, and
suspending your ego in furtherance of the set objectives is invaluable in any
interpersonal engagement.

Technique 6: Validate Others

Whether you deny it or not, you want to be accepted and liked. From
the first time a child begins conversing with his or her parents they are
seeking approval for their actions and thoughts. Parents are continually
reinforcing that there is a right way and a wrong way of doing just about
everything. From an early age, each of us has sought the validation that we
are accepted, and it continues right into adulthood. As with each of the needs
and techniques we are covering, the degree to which an individual requires
validation varies, but one thing is certain, each of us feels good when we are
validated.

Validation comes in many forms. I have identified three types of
validation. Each is very effective and can be used as the situation requires.
The following are the three forms of validation, and they can be used
independently or, to great effect, intertwined with each other:

Validation Technique 1: Listening

The simplest validation that can be given to another individual is simply
listening. The action doesn’t require any proactive effort aside from the
incessant need each of us has to tell our own story. Validation is effective
because it releases dopamine to the brain’s pleasure centers. This is the same
chemical reaction that takes place after drinking an alcoholic beverage, taking
risks, or eating a great piece of chocolate. Think of a time when either you or
someone you were speaking with started out a conversation saying they had
to go in a few minutes and didn’t disengage the conversation for quite some
time after. I would venture to guess that if you think back to the reason why, it
was because the person who stayed was being extremely well validated. In
essence, the release of the dopamine from the validation was causing the
individual to override cognitive thinking in exchange for feeling good.

In my job in the FBI, I have had the privilege of working with a great
number of individuals considered confidential human sources. These
individuals provided extremely valuable information, access, and insight into
situations that directly impacted our national security and foreign relations.

I worked with a confidential human source while assigned to the New
York City FBI office who had been helping the FBI and the United States for
over thirty years before I was introduced to him, and we started working
together on numerous counterintelligence operations. I remember sitting with
him every few weeks eating our favorite Chinese food while I listened to him
talk about all his past adventures helping the FBI and all about the 15 agents
who he had worked with before me. I would sit and listen to him without
saying much but a few encouraging words to keep him speaking for up to four
hours. When the individual had finally finished what was on his mind, I
would discuss what I came to for about ten minutes. The relationship was
very strong and our success together was exceptional. Why? The reason was
he felt validated.

The example above is one of hundreds of instances we all have had
when the simple act of listening produces amazing results. The difficulty most
of us have is keeping from interjecting our own thoughts, ideas, and stories
during the conversation. True validation coupled with ego suspension means
that you have no story to offer, that you are there simply to hear theirs.

When I run one of my courses for FBI agents, and I discuss validation
and ego suspension and how effective they are, I am typically asked what the
student should say if they are asked a question they are uncomfortable
answering. I tell them that if they are properly validating and suspending his
or her ego, no one will ask you any questions, and, if they do, they are simply
trying to be polite. I instruct them to quickly bounce the conversation back to
them, and they will continue talking. I haven’t had a student yet say it hasn’t
worked. They are always amazed how much individuals simply want to talk
and be listened to.

I and most others in my line of work are always amazed about how our
confidential human sources like us better than most other people in our lives,
such as friends, family, and colleagues. That is because many of us will put a
friend on hold to take another call or tell them we have to go when they need
someone to listen to them. A great conversationalist and rapport builder will
put the entire focus on the other individual. When we aren’t anxious to tell
our own story, we also tend to listen and hear better. We also will remember
details that we otherwise would not.

I had worked with an excellent confidential source and human being
when I was working in one of my assigned field offices. He was a highly
educated man and had worked on a nuclear program for a non-friendly
foreign country. He became a tremendous resource for the FBI and others. He
also gave classes to newer agents on how to communicate and recruit their
own confidential human sources like him. The confidential human source had
a checklist of what not to do that he had experienced over his years of
working with the FBI. The number one thing on his list was that an agent
should not take out his cell phone and either take a call or start e-mailing or
texting when meeting with the source. He went on to say that it demonstrated
that there are many other things more important than the source. That is a
really bad message to send anyone in your life whom you value.

Validation Technique 2: Thoughtfulness

Thoughtfulness is probably the most commonly used of the validation
techniques but in a limited manner. I want to emphasize it here because I have
found through my practical application of these techniques, as well as study
of personality types, that few people naturally use this to its fullest potential,
and, most of the time, we don’t realize when it is being used; all we know is
we really like the person who gives it.

My wife happens to be one of those individuals who naturally places the
needs, wants, and welfare of others above her own. She is constantly asking if
you need anything. She always says “Be careful.” She always will prepare
something for you to eat before she prepares something for herself. My wife
has this natural, beautiful gift that I only recently understood and recognized.
I say that because I never consciously took count of the number of times a day
she says a comforting or kind word or showed interest in the well-being of
me, our children, and others. I tried counting on a few occasions, and I lost
count after 50.

Demonstrate thoughtfulness in your actions and, more important, your
words to every individual in your life, and I predict those relationships will
greatly be enhanced. The effect is easily used on strangers as well. I began
carrying both hand sanitizer as well as chewing gum wherever I go. While
standing in a line at a store or sitting chatting with strangers or friends, I will
take out either and offer it to another individual first. The positive effect is
immediate and the individual is generally very receptive to conversation.



Validation Technique 3: Validate Thoughts and Opinions

Most human beings are very self-centered. We are biologically bred to
be self-centered as a survival mechanism. That is why when in stressful
survival type situations, our natural inclinations are to take care of our own
safety first then the needs of others. That is also why when we witness what
we consider heroic acts of others, we are recognizing how some individuals
have defied their own genetics and biology and made a choice to put others’
needs and wants first. These are considered admirable qualities because they
go against our innate egocentric survival mechanisms.

Validating the thoughts and opinions of others is very powerful but can
also be very difficult because of our innate need to correct others and the
difficulty we have suppressing our own egos. Human beings naturally make a
connection with others who “think like we do.” Consider the fact that if every
human being actually validated the thoughts and opinions of others, there
would be no world conflicts. The beauty of all of these tools and techniques is
that they are all part of our individual choices.

I have found one of the most effective methods for getting individuals
to do what I want them to do is to have them come up with my idea then I
validate their idea. For example, a few years ago, I had a brand new
confidential human source I was working with. I knew before one of our
meetings that I wanted him to help me on a project that would require him to
report on situations surrounding one of our country’s political adversaries that
had been targeting our country and committing corporate espionage. In these
situations, I find it is always much better to first understand the other
individual’s point of view, then validate his or her point of view and build
upon it with my ideas.

While at the meeting, I asked my source, “So, what do you think about
country X?” His response was perfect. He said, “I think they are doing great
harm to the United States.” I responded, “That’s an interesting point of view,
why do you think that?” Following his response, I validated his thoughts
again, and then asked him what he thought we could do about it. The entire
dialogue and process was centered on my source’s ideas and me validating
them to have him take action.

It is very easy to utilize this technique anywhere, including work. I have
often used the same technique with colleagues. Empower those around you
with choices, albeit choices that you have offered, but in the end, the decision
is theirs. For example, I was tasked with developing a new course of
instruction. I did not readily see the need for the new course and thought it to
be unnecessary. I knew that if I didn’t take the initiative, the course would be
developed without my input. Instead of saying, “I don’t think that is a good
idea,” or “We don’t need to do that,” I said, “That is a very good idea that I
hadn’t thought of. I see the merit of it. Let me come up with a few ideas for
you to choose from.” I then had my colleagues on my side and not defensive
but open to the options I brought them. Within a few hours, I proposed
options for implementing the idea. Each of the options, though, was
completely my idea and I would be satisfied with any of them. I presented the
choices, and we decided on one as a course of action. This is what you call a
“win-win” scenario, all of my own choices through the validation of someone
else’s ideas.

Technique 7: Ask… How? When? Why?

I have had total strangers tell me their deepest darkest secrets from
really unusual sexual experimentations, to obsessions with designer blue jeans
and everything in the middle. A key step to strengthening the emotional
connection in any relationship is to anchor or solidify the relationship with
“how, when, and why” questions.

One of the key concepts that every great interviewer or
conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions
are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are generally
questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual being
targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great
conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended
questions about the same content. The entire time, the individual being
targeted is the one supplying the content of the conversation.

For example, in my story about the older gentleman that I chatted with
in the Panera restaurant, I utilized all the techniques discussed so far to open
the dialogue and conversation about what he thought was an appropriate age
for girls to start dating. The gentleman leaned back in his chair, put a big
smile on his face and said, “Well, I do have two daughters, one 23 and the
other 25.” I replied, “Ahh, so I have an expert.” He chuckled and said that he
wasn’t an expert but he did have some experience. I then asked him the open
ended question based on exactly what he said. I asked, “Please tell me about
your experience.” The key words here are “please,” which hits on the
sympathy theme and “your experience” is merely follow-up with information
he had already released. It is very important to listen to the content that the
other individual supplies and thread from that content using open ended
questions.

My friend at the Panera restaurant went on to discuss that he didn’t like
the first boyfriend that his oldest daughter brought home. Threading with the
provided content, I asked, “Why?” The gentleman elaborated, describing how
the young man didn’t display much respect for him by the way he strolled
into his house and tried to avoid eye contact and conversation with him. I
asked my friend if he thought this was maybe a generational difference. My
friend thought for a minute and said that maybe it was generational.

By asking a generational type of question, I was attempting to introduce
another line of conversation from the original based upon the first. This is
called threading the conversation. I followed up with another open ended
question that would, hopefully, give me even more content to work with. I
asked my friend, “What was it like when you were growing up and allowed to
date?” This type of open ended anchoring question will test the new
relationship dialogue and give you a quick idea about how far and deep you
can venture in these quick conversations. If the answer is quick and short, do
not pursue it any longer; if it tends to be a bit longer, you have something to
work with. In this particular case, my friend continued to elaborate about
where he grew up and the type of values his parents had instilled in him. He
also went on to discuss his three brothers and one sister.

Following a few more “how, when, and why,” he went on for 20-30
minutes about all aspects of his growing up and his family life, including how
he recently lost his mother and how his father was beginning to show signs of
dementia. The things people will share when given the opportunity is truly
remarkable. This technique would not have been nearly as effective if I was
waiting my turn to interject my own stories. Remember, ego suspension is
critical.

There are a few more techniques associated with asking “how, when,
and why” that I feel are equally important that you should attempt to
incorporate:

- Minimal encouragers
- Reflective questions
- Emotional labeling
- Paraphrasing
- Pauses
- Summarize

The first is the use of minimal encouragers. These are simple head
nods or verbal confirmations that you are paying attention and listening, such
as “uh huh,” “yes,” “I understand,” etc. Using your accommodating
nonverbal communication style here is very effective and congruent with this
technique. I need to add a word of caution however; doing this insincerely or
too much can lead to the individual viewing you as uncaring and cold.

The second technique is another form of questioning but without having
to think of a question or a way to get the person to tell you more; it is
reflective questioning. These are really fun, but take some practice if you are
not familiar with using them. I have personally found them to be absolutely
terrific and easy once you are accustomed to using them. For example, in my
dialogue with my friend above, at one point, he described how the young man
who came over to date his daughter didn’t have much respect for him. If my
friend had stopped there, and I wanted him to elaborate without seeming to
pushy, I could simply repeat what he just said, “He didn’t have much respect
for you?” By restating what he just said but as a question, the individual
becomes compelled to elaborate more. The technique of reflective
questioning uses some sympathy because you need help in understanding
something. The technique also touches on the human characteristic of wanting
to mentor and teach others. Most human beings are genetically wired to be
responsive to these techniques.

I use this with my children as well. Not too long, ago my daughter came
home from school and informed my wife and me that she wanted to wear
makeup to a school dance. Instead of badgering her with questions of my
choosing, I allowed her to explain in more detail first by using reflective
questioning. I was curious about the school dance, so I said, “School dance?”
Following my daughters explanation of the dance, I said, “Make up?” She
then elaborated on what she wanted to do regarding wearing makeup. These
opening reflective questions allowed my daughter to feel in control and as if
she was being listened to. Then, when I introduced other ideas and
considerations, she tended to be more receptive. And, yes, ultimately, she
decided not to wear makeup to the school dance.

Emotional labeling is the next technique. This can be a very powerful
technique, especially in instances where someone is displaying a great deal of
emotion. Discovering the causes of those emotions can lead to rich
engagements. I generally don’t use this technique unless I see individuals who
appear to have had a rough day. It is useful because I have found that the
general third-party reference and other techniques are not as effective when
individuals feel distraught or just in an overall bad mood. I have found that
having an open ear in these situations allows the individual to feel better for
talking, and, generally, you can’t get them to be quiet once they start.

My most striking recent example of the power of emotional labeling
involves me and a friend. For a short period of time, my friend / colleague and
I traveled around the country teaching some of these techniques to FBI field
agents. My friend and I would instruct different blocks of instruction based
upon our individual skills. On one trip to Chicago, my friend had asked me
how I ended up having such in-depth conversations with total strangers. I
described to him the concept of asking, “How? When? and Why?” as well as
emotional labeling. We had just finished our dinner that evening and were
sitting in the hotel lounge where we were staying, watching a sporting event
on TV.

My friend challenged me with having one of these deep conversations
with the very next person who came into the lounge and sat near us. I agreed,
but I also challenged him with the same task. Not three seconds later a woman
who looked to be in her late 50s to early 60s came in and sat down next to me.
She looked defeated and exhausted. The woman quickly ordered a glass of
wine and began staring at the wall. I glanced over at my friend who just
smiled at me. He then had a similar woman sit next to him. I chuckled to
myself and began to think about how to open the conversation.

I began by matching her nonverbal behavior and stared at the same
wall. A few minutes later I stated openly, “Stressful day, huh?” The woman
glanced at me over her shoulder, and I kept my position facing the wall so as
to not be threatening. She said, “You have no idea.” I simply nodded in
agreement. We were both staring ahead when I noticed an unusual piece of
decorative art on the wall. I ordered a glass of wine like hers and stated,
“What do you think that represents?”

The techniques I chose started with a bit of emotional labeling to break
the ice, and then I backed off and later interjected a third-party reference
about the art. The woman responded that she didn’t exactly know but began
to offer some of her thoughts about it. I then asked her about why her day was
stressful.

We had already been chatting about the art for 5-10 minutes, so the
woman felt comfortable enough to start sharing that she was the office
manager for five local buildings and that she had a horrible day dealing with
difficult tenants. The conversation with her lasted for another hour. At one
point, we went back to discussing the art on the wall. She informed me she
got into art during the time she was institutionalized for having a nervous
breakdown. I was still amazed that she never once asked me about what I did
for a living or any questions about myself. Remember, if you don’t try to
interject your content, people generally won’t ask. Most people would rather
tell their own stories rather than listen to yours.

I had just about had my fill of the conversation when I glanced over to
see my friend. To my amazement, he glanced over at me with a blank stare. I
looked around to the woman he was speaking to and noted that she had tears
running down her face. He merely nodded at me, then at the exit. We excused
ourselves from our respective conversations and went to the elevator bank to
head up to our respective rooms. I asked him, “What happened? He told me
that he had done exactly what I said to do. The next thing he knew she was
telling him about her divorce and got extremely emotional. He didn’t know
what to say or do but felt really bad. We both witnessed the power of
emotional labeling, as well as the effect of suspending our own need to talk
about ourselves.

Paraphrasing is the next technique that demonstrates to the other
person that you are paying attention. It is also great at helping you remember
the content of the conversation for recall later. I remember once sitting on a
plane next to a woman named Gail. Gail went on to discuss how she lived
with her father because she is a single mom. She had given birth to her first
son when she was sixteen and still in high school. I didn’t sit in judgment of
the choice she had made but validated how tough it must have been and what
a challenge it must have been to raise her son. Gale went on to tell me that she
had another son before graduating high school but that she was very proud of
her boys. Her eldest son was starting his senior year of college and doing very
well, and her youngest had just enlisted in the Marine Corps. I again
commended her on the parenting she gave her boys.

I remember about half-way through the conversation I paraphrased
what she had been talking to me about for the last hour. I said, “So, please,
correct me where I am wrong; you gave birth to your first son when you were
sixteen, your mother left you and your father. Your father had you stay at
home and helped you raise your sons. You and your boyfriend were going to
get married but then he ran off. Your father is a hardworking farmer and
taught your boys the value of good hard work, and you were able to finish
school as they worked the farm.” Gale just looked at me in amazement and
said, “Wow, you were actually listening?”

People have gotten so used to people not giving them their full attention
that when you do, it is the most wonderful and cheapest gift and rapport
builder on earth. Paraphrasing can be both an excellent tool at establishing
that you are listening, and it also can serve as a reflective type of questioning
but on a much broader scale. Following my paraphrasing with Gale, she
elaborated more just as in a reflective question. Similar to paraphrasing, this
technique is also fantastic for remembering details. For example, I am sitting
here writing all these anecdotes to illustrate my points without any notes on
these events. No matter what the time lapse has been, I remember them as
vividly as the day they happened. Meanwhile, my wife gets on me to
remember what the kids after-school activities are for the day. Thinking about
it, I should probably use this more at home.

Interlaced with all these techniques is the placement of pauses.
Creating a pause in a conversation can serve two purposes. The first is to
create a break in the dialogue so you can think about what you want to say
next, rather than continue to go on without thought. The second purpose is to
create that slightly awkward silence that hopefully the other person will fill
with his or her own content. Once he or she provides more content, you will
have more items to ask, “How? When? and Why?” about.

Finally, use a summary at the end of the conversation. Similar to the
other techniques, the summary serves a few purposes. First, it will act like
paraphrasing in that it will demonstrate to the other person that you were
listening. Second, like paraphrasing, the summary will help you remember the
content of the conversation for future conversations. Finally, the summary is
great if there were any favors asked or commitments made. The summary
eliminates any confusion on these points if they were not clear during the
original discussion. Being clear about the content, obligations, or
commitments made during the conversations keeps misunderstanding and
potential hurt feelings later on at a minimum.

Asking “How? When? and Why?” is just another small part of the
entire formula for interpersonal relationships. Executing these steps alone
won’t guarantee success. Each technique is woven within each other. This
step is a very critical one, however, when trying to create more meaningful
emotional anchors and trust with people. Human beings are constantly
exploring whether they are being accepted for who they are. When a great
conversationalist evokes stories, such as the ones described above, and does
so without judgment and gives validation, the feeling of trust builds.
Remember though, it is all about them and not you. Suspend your own ego
and do not expect reciprocity in the form of asking about you or what you do
or about the things that you think make you great. Some people may actually
care, but more often they are more interested in themselves. Let them share.

Technique 8: Connect With Quid Pro Quo

Sometimes you have to give to get. Quid pro quo refers to the art of
giving a little information about yourself to get a little from others. Out of all
of the techniques, this one is the most subtle and if all of the others techniques
are working effectively, might not be used at all.

In my experiences, there are really only two types of situations where I
have utilized quid pro quo. The first and more common of the instances is
when you attempt to converse with someone who is either very introverted,
guarded, or both. The second instance is when the person you are conversing
with suddenly becomes very aware about how much they have been speaking,
and they suddenly feel awkward. In both instances, giving a little information
about you will help alleviate some of the issues.

A few years ago, I was on a flight from Washington, DC to Los Angeles
and before I had gotten on the plane, I had decided that I wanted to try out a
few more conversation techniques during the trip. I was very excited because
I had just discovered using a “third-party reference” as a conversation starter.
A “third party reference” is where you discuss something not about you or the
other person to initiate a conversation.

I walked down the aisle and took my seat. Seated next to me against the
window was a woman about my age. She was dressed like a business
professional and was diligently reading some papers and materials. It
appeared as though she was studying for something. As I sat down, I smiled
at her and began contemplating my opening third-party reference line.

Following take off and our ascent to our cruising altitude, the woman
took out a laptop computer and began working on that, as well as her notes. I
thought that this was a good opportunity to use the laptop as a good third-
party reference. I said, “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m in the market for
a new laptop and was wondering what you thought of yours?” The woman
looked up at me sheepishly and said it was ok and went back to her working /
studying. I was really disappointed that I wasn’t able to strike up more of a
conversation with that great third-party reference opener.

I quickly realized that a third-party reference alone may not be enough
for some people. I decided that it might be effective if I divulge a little about
myself first to make her feel safe. I also wanted to ensure that she didn’t think
I was going to talk at her for the five-hour flight. My next strategy was
simple; I decided to match her nonverbally by taking out my laptop and
working on it. I have numerous pictures of my children on my laptop, so I
thought sharing a few pictures of my children first might be a good way to
both demonstrate that I’m non-threatening as well as bringing in some
potential other topics of conversation for later.

I let about an hour pass, then took out my laptop and began working on
another article I had been contemplating. The woman continued her diligent
attention to her own work. After about five minutes I pulled up a few photos
of my two children when they were toddlers. I left them on the screen and
said to the woman, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but my wife sent me these
photos of my kids this morning, and I just have to share them.” The woman
leaned over and looked at my photos, and a big smile emerged on her face. I
thought to myself, “I’m in!”

The woman commented that my children were very cute and asked me
their ages. I told her and then added one or two more facts about their current
interests. I then shifted the conversation back to her and asked her if she had
any siblings. The woman said that she did and didn’t offer more. I could tell
quickly that I needed to offer even a little more quid pro quo and stated that it
was really interesting because my two children are very close in age, 22
months, and enjoy many of the same things. I went on to inquire about her
experience. Finally the woman began to speak a bit more about her siblings
and growing up in a small family in a Chicago suburb. I listened intently and
utilized the “how, when, and why” techniques discussed in the last chapter.
Following my validation of her content / conversation, I politely left her to
resume her studying. Remember, my intent is never to overwhelm but to
slowly build trust through non-threatening dialogue.

About another hour later, the drink and snack service had come and
gone. I politely offered assistance to hold things for her and offered my tray
space for her work so she could enjoy her beverage without fear of spilling it
on her laptop or work. All these techniques are part of gift giving that we will
cover in the next chapter. I didn’t attempt any conversation during these times
because I, again, did not want to seem pushy to someone who was obviously
intent on studying and working.

Shortly following the drink service, the woman began studying again. I
decided it was a good time to again attempt a third-party reference and see
how far I could take it. We had spent hours next to each other. I was very
polite. I divulged personal information using quid pro quo, and I had been
unobtrusive so far. I leaned slightly over to her and said, “I don’t know what
you are studying for, but, as far as I can tell, you will ace whatever test it is
for.” This very validating statement had the required effect. The woman
smiled broadly and thanked me. She went on to tell me about the test she was
studying for. She also went on to discuss that she was a network administrator
for a large aerospace business and a great deal of other personal and
professional information. The woman’s name was Latania and we had a nice
conversation for the last hour of the plane ride. The success of this
engagement was not because of one technique alone, but because I remained
flexible, used multiple techniques, and recognized early on that I was
speaking with someone who was introverted, guarded, and definitely busy.
Realizing these issues early helped me to use patience as well as quid pro quo
to make her feel more comfortable with a dialogue. The key is not to speak
about you too much. Remember, it is all about them, not you.

The second instance we might use quid pro quo is when the individual we
are conversing with has that sudden look of, “Oh gosh, how much have I been
talking?” This has happened to me on more than one occasion. Inevitably,
when we are using these techniques effectively, the individuals we are
speaking with will continue to speak uninterrupted for as long as you are
willing to listen. Most often, they have no idea how much information they
are giving up, and they also are oblivious that they are the only ones talking.
As I have said before, all of the people I have taught these techniques to are
dumbfounded with how little someone will ask about you if you keep the
focus on them.

There are those occasions, however, when the person suddenly realizes
that they have been going on and on about themselves. Usually, in those
instances, they feel vulnerable because they tend to do a quick mental recap
on all the deep content they have just revealed to someone they either just met
or barely know. In those moments of realization, they tend to feel as if they
were standing naked in front of you because of how much they have shared.
The best way to keep this from happening is to sprinkle a little quid pro quo
throughout the dialogue before it gets that far. In general, if you have been
letting someone speak about themselves and it is going pretty good for about
15 minutes, think about interjecting one or two small quick lines about
yourself. Keep this quick and light so that you don’t shift the focus from them
to you. The whole purpose here is to show that you are similar in your likes
and interests and also make them feel as though they are not the only one
speaking.

I remember one of the funniest instances I encountered was when I took
a work-related trip to Miami a few years ago. I was staying at a great hotel in
a higher class section of Miami and decided to have dinner at the hotel bar
that evening after work. I generally like these environments when traveling
because they offer great opportunities to practice these skills with both
patrons, as well as the bar staff.

On this particular evening the bar was pretty slow. My waitress /
bartenders name was Kristi. I ordered a Caesar salad for dinner. When Kristi
brought out my salad, she asked if there was anything else she could get me. I
am a bit weird about some food things, and I absolutely love spicy food… on
everything. I asked Kristi if she could bring me some hot sauce for my salad.
She gave me a quizzical look and brought me some. As I sprinkled the hot
sauce over my salad she asked if I like hot salsa as well. I told her I did and
that I really loved spicy food. These topics ended up being a great third-party
reference to start with. Kristi then spent the next hour telling me all about how
she makes the best salsa ever. She went on to tell me about her career in the
hospitality industry, how she is almost done with her degree in the same, her
boyfriend who is trying to become a state trooper, and all of their mutual
dreams and aspirations. I remember after that first hour she looked at me with
that “Uh, oh” look and said, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe how much I’ve
been talking.” It was really funny because as soon as she said it, I gave a very
small amount of quid pro quo and she was off talking again. I was having
such a fun time gleaning all types of information from her that I let the
conversation go on for about three hours. I must have done a great job at
validating her content because the next day when I went down for dinner, she
handed me her and her boyfriend’s secret salsa recipe she had copied down
for me, along with a small jar of it they had made for me.

Out of all of the techniques we have discussed, I have found that quid
pro quo is not the most common one I use, but it does become infinitely
important when you encounter the two types of situations I described above.
When you do find yourself in the type of situation where you are going to use
the technique, ensure that you use it sparingly and only as much as needed
and no more because the focus always must remain on the individual you are
targeting and not yourself. As long as you are using quid-pro-quo for them
and not you, the conversation will be a success.

Technique 9: Gift Giving (Reciprocal Altruism)

Most people would feel badly if they received a gift and forgot to say or
send a thank you note to the giver. When someone does you a favor you most
likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great rapport builders and
conversationalists use this desire proactively during every conversation.

This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones for
building great relationships. This is also the easiest technique to utilize,
because gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to
tangible material gifts. Gift giving, or reciprocal altruism, is hardwired in our
genetics.

Mankind’s ancestors were hunters / gatherers. Being part of a hunter /
gatherer society meant that when the hunters would go on a hunt, not all
would be successful. The hunters would return to camp, and the ones that had
success would either share or not share the food they had procured. The
hunters that didn’t share would likewise not have food shared with them, if
they found themselves in the situation where they were unsuccessful or
became sick or invalid. The hunters that shared or “gift gave,” were taken
care of and given food in reciprocity for the gifts of food that they gave earlier
on. The genetics of the survivors were then passed on; in other words, gift
giving or reciprocal altruism is in each of our genetic codes. Human beings in
general have a compulsion to reciprocate gifts given. Social norms can often
times enhance this desire, but regardless, it exists at the genetic level.

I generally will give either material or non-material gifts. Many of the
techniques described before now are actually great examples of non-material
gifts or the gift of “focus.” Each of these types of gifts focuses on the other
individual and doesn’t possess any material substance. Keeping the focus on
another person in this non-material manner releases the chemical dopamine in
our brains to our pleasure center receptors and can generally give us good
feelings. This can be a great gift and is often why these techniques work.
People love to get gifts and the better the gift giver you are, the more people
will want to be around you to get the gift of “focus.”

 When giving the gift of “focus” the individual receiving the gift may or
may not be conscious of the gift they are receiving. Regardless, the desire to
reciprocate remains strong. The best part about the gift of “focus” is that it
tends to be inexpensive. Each of the stories I have told throughout this book
have encompassed a degree of the gift of “focus.” In all of my examples, the
individuals I was interacting with were consciously unaware of the gift I was
giving. They were reciprocating the gift by having a conversation with me,
allowing me to photograph them in their boots, giving me sensitive personal
information, walking away from road rage, or telling me their inner-most
secrets. This next example was a non-material gift that I gave.

A few years ago, I was taking some advanced classes in psychology.
There was an individual in my organization, Bill, who was in charge of the
program that I was studying. I was constantly amazed at how dedicated Bill
was at his job and how helpful and cheery he always was, despite the fact that
he alone was in charge of managing 1200 people and their needs in the
program. Bill kept me motivated and going even when I wanted to give up. I
was very grateful to Bill for all he had done for me, even though it was a
nonmaterial gift. I felt compelled to reciprocate the gift and I did so using the
gift of focus like he had.

I wrote an article about Bill and the type of great leadership and help he
was for the FBI’s Law Enforcement Bulletin. The article described Bill and
how anyone can be a leader from any position they hold. The article was
published in the February, 2011 edition of the Law Enforcement Bulletin. I
was very excited when I told Bill about the article I wrote about him. I also
informed his management about the article and how Bill had inspired me
because of the great work ethic and leadership he uses every day.

Material gifts are similar to the gift of focus, but the individual
generally knows he or she is receiving a gift because of the tangible nature of
the gift. Although, the type of gift given may not immediately trigger
recognition of a gift, the result of their need to reciprocate will be the same.

Everyone recognizes when someone gives them a wrapped gift, but do
you recognize when other material gifts are given? For example, I generally
carry both hand sanitizer and breath mints with me. While standing in a line at
a checkout counter, I may take my hand sanitizer out, and offer some to the
person next to me before I take some myself. Even if they decline, they feel
the need to reciprocate the offer of the gift. Most often, it is reciprocated in
the willingness to converse. I will do the same thing with breath mints. You
would be amazed at how friendly and helpful people become when you offer
them a small gift or token. The best time to give the gift is before they offer
you one. Preemptive gift giving is great at facilitating future engagements.

On a recent trip to New York City, I decided to take the train from
where I live in Virginia. I boarded the train with my small travel bag and
typical arsenal of hand sanitizer, breath mints, and a host of other FBI lapel
pins and trinkets that make great gifts. The seat next to me was empty when I
first got on, but as the train made a few more stops a gentleman about my age
sat down, took out a newspaper and began reading it. I didn’t say anything,
just sat there and read a book as well. A short while later he asked me if I
knew where the lavatory was. I pointed to the front of the car and said I
thought it was that way. He thanked me, and asked me to save his seat while
he checked it out. A few minutes later he returned, stating that the lavatory
was indeed that way.

My assistance to the gentleman was already considered to be a
nonmaterial gift and he seemed grateful. When the gentleman returned, I
decided to enhance the gift giving and offered him some hand sanitizer. He
gratefully accepted some and thanked me. I allowed the man his space and I
continued to read my book. Another short while later, the man said he was
going to go to the snack car and asked again if I would watch his seat for him.
I smiled and agreed. When he returned, he had a bag of chips and a chocolate
chip cookie with a soda. When he finished his snack, I took out my breath
mints, took one for myself and asked if he would like one. He again took one
and thanked me.

Following the last gift, the man angled his body toward me, and said
that he was very appreciative for how friendly and helpful I had been to him.
He asked me where I was heading. I told him New York City. The gentleman
told me he was also, and that he was the manager at a very high end steak
house in Manhattan. He took out his business card, wrote a few words on it
and handed it to me. The man instructed me to bring a guest and this card into
his restaurant when I was in town, and he would ensure we enjoyed a great
evening together on him. I was astonished and extremely grateful for such a
wonderful gift. I thanked the gentleman profusely and dug into my bag and
presented him with a small token of thanks in the form of an FBI Behavioral
Analysis Program commemorative coin. I described to him the heraldry of the
coin, and the meaning behind each symbol. Each of us was very grateful for
the fine gifts, both material and immaterial that we exchanged that day.

The key to the success of the last story was that I started the gift giving,
and did so without any expectation of reciprocity. When individuals give gifts
or do kind deeds with an agenda at the forefront of their mind, it demeans the
value of the gift, and has the appearance of insincerity. The key to being a
successful gift giver is to manage your expectations and keep the focus on
them.

Technique 10: Manage Expectations

Have you ever wondered why bad used car salesmen come across as
sleazy? Or, by contrast, have you ever met someone that you felt immediately
at ease with and felt like you could chat forever? There are people among us
that can walk up to a known spy on the street, offer him a great opportunity to
work for the United States, and do so with the greatest of ease and grace. One
factor effecting these situations is the ability to manage expectations.

Every conversation or engagement with another human being has an
agenda. Another definition of agenda might be objective or desired outcome.
Sometimes the agenda is to sell you a used car. Sometimes the agenda is to
share a secret. Other times, it is simply to make another person feel better.
Regardless of the situation, whether it is an altruistic intention or not, there is
an agenda. The individuals in life that are able to either mask their agenda or
shift the agenda to something altruistic will have great success at building
rapport.

For example, when my family and I were preparing to move from one
state to another, we researched a number of different realtors before making
our final decision. We interviewed each realtor and asked them a few simple
questions. The most important question to us was, “Why do you like being a
realtor?” The answer that my wife and I were looking for was, “I enjoy being
a realtor so that I can help families find their perfect home.” If the realtor
didn’t answer with that response, they were already ruled out. If the realtor
gave us the answer we were looking for, we followed up with, “How do you
go about doing that?”

Most of the realtors that we interviewed gave the proper initial
response, but the follow-up question elicited a myriad of responses. The
realtor’s response that we liked best included that he had grown up in our
area. Our realtor, Chris, knew the area intimately, from the school systems to
the zoning laws to the myriad of subdivisions and all their related issues.
Chris was also knowledgeable about all the home builders for each
subdivision. He went on to describe that he saw it as his responsibility to pass
this knowledge onto us so that we can make the right choice for our family. I
asked Chris if he ever gave his personal opinion. He said that he never does
unless asked, and then he ensures that he explains his personal rationale for
his choices so that we would be able to weigh it objectively against our own.
Chris’s main objective was to ensure our happiness. I asked him if this has
been an effective business model for him. Chris stated that placing the client’s
needs above his personal sales objectives has been effective because, if he
provides a client great service they will inevitably be happier and hopefully
pass along a referral.

My wife and I like what we had heard from Chris, and decided to go
with him and see if his actions backed up his words. A few weeks later we
had seen a good many homes with him and he was true to his word. Chris was
indeed 100% focused on our needs and wants. He didn’t try to sell us higher
priced homes that would bring him a greater profit. Chris did a great job of
focusing on us, and managing his own personal expectations and agenda.

When we are able to shift or manage our expectations, we reduce
potential disappointment. When we are disappointed, we sometimes get angry
and may even hold grudges and get hurt feelings. These emotions are not
conducive to healthy or long term relationships. These emotions are definitely
not conducive to developing quick rapport. The best technique to avoid these
emotions is to manage expectations. In the example above, Chris had the goal
of selling a house. Some realtors will create objectives in order to accomplish
this goal, such as make extra on a commission by selling a larger house. Chris
decided to switch his objective to finding the perfect house for us. By
managing his expectations and focusing on our needs rather than his own,
Chris ensured our long-term loyalty and relationship. Needless to say, we
were very happy because I have referred numerous people, as well as writing
about him in this book.

I discovered the technique of shifting and managing expectations while
working for the FBI in New York City. My job sometimes required me to
walk up to individuals who didn’t know me and who were known to be
spying against the United States on behalf of another country. Then, I had to
ask them if they would like to work for the United States government. These
“approaches” were never as crude as I just described, but it gives you the
general idea. I remember the very first time I was going to perform what we
call a “pitch.” I was extremely nervous for a number of reasons. I think the
main reason was that if he were to agree to have a dialogue about the
possibility; it was the equivalent in the intelligence world of winning the
lottery. I remember I was so nervous because I was going to walk up to a
stranger and ask a very sensitive question. About thirty minutes before I was
going to “bump into him” on a street corner while he was out for a walk, I
decided to shift my expectations as well as my perception. Instead of having
the expectation of a yes or no answer from a complete stranger, I decided to
think of him as a friend I was about to provide an opportunity to. I let go of
my expectation and hoped for a yes, and focused on making a proposal to
him. This simple shift in my expectation lowered my anxiety greatly.

A few minutes later I encountered the gentleman and we had a
wonderful conversation and quick rapport based upon all of the techniques I
have described to you in this book. Managing my expectations ensured that I
sounded and looked confident and calm while performing a very stressful
task. This technique is important and crucial because all of the techniques
before this one require you to not seem like a seedy used car salesman when
having a conversation. If you can manage your expectations before an
encounter and ensure the conversation is for their benefit and not yours, you
will greatly enhance your chances for success.

I am going to dedicate the last part of this chapter to my wife and all the
beautiful people in the world like her. I really discovered the need to manage
expectations based upon my observations of her and the hurt feelings and
frustrations she would sometimes have. My wife is one of those wonderful
people who will ask you about your children, family, and everything that is
going on in your life. She will naturally follow up each answer with the
technique of “how, when, and why.” My wife naturally has a suspended ego.
In other words, she does a fantastic job at many of these techniques naturally,
like I am sure many others do as well. The difference I noticed between her
and I though was in our individual responses to individuals who don’t ask
about our family, children, or personal interests.

My wife sometimes has the unrealistic expectation that people would
like to ask her about her family as much as she enjoys asking about theirs.
Many times she would come away from conversations and express her hurt
and frustration to me. When I was able to finally realize what was happening,
I was able to explain to her this concept of managing expectations. My wife
has an agenda when engaging in these conversations. Her agenda is to find
out about the family and interests of others. To a lesser degree, her other
agenda is to tell you about her family. As we have learned earlier, when a
person is really good at using these techniques, the other person will keep
talking and talking and never want to hear from you. This is what my wife
was experiencing. I explained my observations to her. She looked at me after
a minute of thought and said, “You’re right, so what can I do?” I told her she
can make a choice. The choice is simple, don’t change what you are doing,
but also don’t expect people will reciprocate the family questions. Or, the
other choice is to simply stop validating others as much as you do so your
feelings are not as hurt.

My wife decided to continue to validate others because she does enjoy
finding out about them and their families more than she likes sharing about
hers. Now and then, she will encounter another person like her that will ask
about our kids and our family. In these cases she is in pure heaven, because it
was not expected and a wonderful gift. The best gifts are the unexpected ones.

Ultimately we can never predict the actions of others, no matter how
skilled we are at these techniques. The surest way however of not being
disappointed is to ensure that we manage our expectations before ever
commencing an engagement. Along with managing our expectations, we need
to keep the focus on the needs and the perception of the other person, because
it really is not all about me.

Putting it all together:

Let’s go through the ten techniques to refresh our memories. This is also a
good page to mark so that you can refer to it quickly before any encounter to
sharpen your focus.

1. Establishing artificial time constraints: Allow the person being
targeted to feel that there is an end in sight.
2. Accommodating nonverbals: Ensure that both your body
language as well as your voice is non-threatening.
3. Slower rate of speech: Don’t oversell and talk too fast. You lose
credibility quickly and come on too strong and threatening.
4. Sympathy or assistance theme: Human beings are genetically
coded to provide assistance and help. It also appeals to their ego that
they may know more than you.
5. Ego suspension: Most likely the hardest technique but without a
doubt the most effective. Don’t build yourself up, build someone else
up and you will have strong rapport.
6. Validate others: Human beings crave being connected and
accepted. Validation feeds this need and few give it. Be the great
validator and have instant, great rapport.
7. Ask… How? When? Why? : When you want to dig deep and
make a connection, there is no better or safer way than asking these
questions. They will tell you what they are willing to talk about.
8. Connect with quid pro quo: Some people are just more guarded
than others. Allow them to feel comfortable by giving a little about
you. Don’t overdo it.
9. Gift giving (reciprocal altruism): Human beings are genetically
coded to reciprocate gifts given. Give a gift, either intangible or
material, and seek a conversation and rapport in return.
10. Managing expectations: Avoid both disappointment as well as the
look of a bad salesman by ensuring that your methods are focused on
benefitting the targeted individual and not you. Ultimately you will
 win, but your mindset needs to focus on them.

You now have the top ten secrets on how to build rapport with anyone
in just a few minutes. There is nothing in these pages that each of us has not
already done or continues to do every day of our lives; but, when you put
conscious thought and planning into every engagement, the consistent results
will be tremendous. I continually am amazed at how effective these
techniques are in every aspect of my life. I use them with my wife, children,
friends, neighbors, coworkers, and spies. These techniques are tried and true
and will benefit you in immeasurable ways.

Before I use these techniques or send any class out to practice these
techniques, I remind myself and them of one everlasting rule that will
dramatically increase your probability of success; it is all about them. The
only goal I have either for myself or the individuals I teach is that in every
interaction the other person should walk away feeling much better for having
met you. You should brighten their day and listen to them when no one else
will. Build that connection where others wouldn’t and you will have mastered
both conversations and quick rapport.

The best and most effective way to get better and more fluid with these
techniques is to continually practice them. I have included some exercises in
the next section. These exercises are simple and don’t take much time. They
will help you to practice the techniques and more importantly, how to adapt
them to your own personality. These skills must be kept sharp with everyday
practice.

I would be remiss if I did not highlight this warning once more. Once
you have rapport then compliance with requests is easy. **Warning - the
content in this book is so effective that I warn the reader to think carefully
how it is used. I do not endorse or condone the use of these skills in
malicious or deceptive ways ** Go forth, enjoy your new skills and “enter the
Arena!” Make the world a better place.

Practice Exercises:

Each exercise is meant to build upon the last. The effect of each of them
used together will add to your confidence as well as success with building
rapport rapidly.

One of the most important aspects to keep in mind throughout your
practice is maintaining accommodating nonverbal behavior. Refer back to
“Technique 2” if needed and practice a few of the techniques described.

I have a few good friends and family members that build tremendous
rapport and induce strangers to initiate conversations with them, based upon
nonverbal behavior alone. Looking nonthreatening and accommodating will
be a natural magnet to individuals seeking comfort and validation. When you
master accommodating nonverbals, all the other techniques will flow more
easily.

Step 1: Make your opening statement with your body bladed away as
if you were about to walk away.

Step 2: Speak slightly over your shoulder, keep your chin angle a bit
lower and have a genuine smile. The type of smile you would have if
someone just did you a favor. The reality of this situation is that someone is
about to do you a favor. Your positive nonthreatening nonverbals will induce
the favor.

Exercise 1: Third Party Reference

Challenging: I suggest a technique I like to call the “third party
reference.” A third party reference conversation is one where you have sought
an opinion about something other than yourself or the individual you are
chatting with. When you ask an opinion about a book in a book store, an item
on a shelf in a food store or a headline in the newspaper while waiting to
check out, you will be chatting about non-threatening neutral topics. The
challenge is identifying one and planning on how to keep a conversation
going once initiated.

Step 1: Ensure you are utilizing accommodating nonverbals.

Step 2: Identify an individual and your third party reference.

Step 3: When you have identified both the individual and the third
party reference, ask the individual’s thought or opinion of the third party
reference.

For example, while in a food store you can be looking in the chips aisle.
When another individual is also looking in the section you can simply state,
“I’m sorry to bother you but I am on my way out, I’m looking to get
something for my ______.” I like to add “my wife” in the blank. By adding
my wife I don’t look as though I am trying to “pick them up.”

The exercise is simple and straight forward. It will begin to build the
muscle memory needed to continue on with the other techniques.

Advanced: This exercise is a bit more complex and very similar to one
of my stories at the beginning of the book.

Step 1: Ensure you are utilizing accommodating nonverbals.

Step 2: Choose an appropriate theme that fits you, your personality, and
something that you will use on other exercises that you can build upon.

For the purpose of keeping the theme natural, non-threatening, as well
as a topic that all individuals can relate to I suggest, “The age when children
should start working.” This topic is very much like the one about dating age
in that individuals have an opinion and have experienced it themselves. For
myself, I am able to use my children and the age that my wife and I both think
is appropriate. If you do not have children you can use a conversation about
someone else’s children. You can even reference this exercise in this book. No
lies, no subterfuge, just a conversation with a plan and purpose.

Step 3: Go out and try it.

I suggest keeping it easy. I like engaging people that just look to be
browsing rather than in a rush to get somewhere. I like large public venues
such as a local bar and grille, bookstores, coffee houses, and grocery stores.
The more casual an individual you select, the greater the engagement
potential.

Exercise 2: Artificial Time Constraints

Challenging: This challenging exercise will build directly upon the
first. Establishing artificial time constraints, utilizing accommodating
nonverbals, and using a third party reference will all take place almost
simultaneously. When you utilize an artificial time constraint, the individual
you are speaking with will appreciate that the dialogue will be short and he or
she will be more willing to converse.

Step 1: Ensure you are utilizing accommodating nonverbals.

Step 2: Identify an individual and your third party reference.

Step 3: When you have identified both the individual and the third
party reference, ask the individual’s thought or opinion of the third party
reference.

Step 4: Establish an artificial time constraint. For example, while in a
food store you can be looking in the cookie aisle. When an individual is also
looking in the section you can simply state, “I’m sorry to bother you but I am
on my way out, I’m looking to get something for my ______.” “But I am on
my way out” is the artificial time constraint.

Step 5: Go out and try it.



Advanced: Try challenging yourself with different types of artificial
time constraints.

Step 1: Ensure you are utilizing accommodating nonverbals.

Step 2: Choose an appropriate theme that fits you, your personality, and
something that you will use on other exercises that you can build upon.

Step 3: Following your theme selection you next have to go out and try
it.

Step 4: Other possible artificial time constraints are:

- I have to go in a minute, my _____ is waiting.

- I’m late for _____, may I ask your opinion about something.

- I have to get back to my _____, may I ask your opinion about
something.

Exercise 3: Slower Rate of Speech

Challenging: This challenging exercise will build directly upon the first
two exercises by ensuring that you don’t sound like you are overselling.

Step 1: Ensure you are utilizing accommodating nonverbals.

Step 2: Choose an appropriate theme that fits you, your personality, and
something that you will use on other exercises that you can build upon.

Step 3: Add an artificial time constraint.

Step 4: Add a slower rate of speech. Simply ensure that you are
speaking a little slower and making eye contact. By speaking slower you will
also be more focused and relaxed about the words that you are saying. When
you slow down you also have the ability to listen to the responses better. This
added listening benefit will pay dividends in future techniques and exercises.

Step 5: Go out and try it.



Exercise 4: Sympathy or Assistance Theme

Challenging: This challenging exercise will build directly upon the first
three exercises by adding a sympathy and assistance theme.

Step 1: Ensure you are utilizing accommodating nonverbals.

Step 2: Choose an appropriate theme that fits you, your personality, and
something that you will use on other exercises that you can build upon.

Step 3: Add an artificial time constraint.

Step 4: Add a slower rate of speech.

Step 5: Add a Sympathy or Assistance Theme. During the initial
engagement and third party reference question, modify the question to include
sympathy or assistance. For example: “I’m sorry to bother you but I am on
my way out. I was hoping you could help me. I’m looking to get something
special for my ______.

Step 6: Go out and try it.

A great example of the sympathy or assistance theme in action goes
back to some of my earlier examples. When my friend was interested in
obtaining a photograph of the knee-high boots from the young lady at the
coffee-house counter, I utilized all of the techniques we have discussed so far.
I first started by ensuring that I established an artificial time constraint by
letting her know verbally I only had a second and had to get back to my
friend. When I made my initial statements I checked myself to ensure that I
had accommodating nonverbals. I made sure that my chin was angled down,
that I had a slight head tilt and smile. I angled my body so that I was talking
slightly over my shoulder to her. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but I
made sure I did not say it too quickly. I used a slower rate of speech so as not
to seem “threatening” and that she could clearly understand me. When
individuals are not initially clear about why you are chatting with them, they
may quickly disengage because they may perceive a threat. The next critical
technique was carried out when I asked for her help with the fact that my
friend was interested in purchasing the same boots for his wife. The young
lady was more than happy to assist and help me.

Exercise 5: Ego Suspension

I have found that suspending the ego is probably the single hardest
thing an individual can continuously exercise throughout his or her lifetime. It
is also the single most effective tool for developing rapport, having great
conversations, and developing meaningful relationships. Suspending your ego
means that you are putting another’s needs, wants, and opinions ahead of
yours.

Challenge 1: This exercise differs slightly than the others because it is
an infusion of the skill throughout not just your exercises but every minute of
your daily life.

Step 1: Approach someone that you already know. A greater challenge
would be to approach a stranger.

Step 2: Identify a topic that you and a friend disagree upon. This can
range from politics to child rearing, to Apple vs. Windows operating systems.

Step 3: Ask what the individual thinks about the topic, knowing it is
different than yours. Then, do not correct them.

Step 4: Encourage them to elaborate and explain their reasoning. Nod
your head and acknowledge that those are interesting points.

Doing these few simple ego suspending tasks will enable people to feel
much more comfortable around you because at the very least, it is a non-
confrontational dialogue.





Challenge 2: “It’s Not All About Me.”

This exercise is the easiest to describe but the hardest to conduct.

Step 1: You have to be very patient to wait for a situation where you are
challenged on your thoughts or opinions.

Step 2: Let the other person know that they are correct, and not argue
with them.

The easiest example I have is my road rage situation described earlier. I
thought I was correct, or at least had an explanation for my actions. It is very
difficult to suspend your ego and not correct someone.

Step 3: You cannot provide an explanation or justification for your
actions. People truly do not care, they just want to hear you admit they were
right and you were wrong.

Step 4: Each of our days has a few occasions where this happens. The
next time you think you are right, suspend your ego and don’t have the need
to correct others.

Step 5: Go out and try it.

Exercise Summary:

These five exercises should give you a great opportunity to go out and
practice these skills so that you can fit the techniques to your own personality.
The more you practice the better you will be. Eventually, you will be treating
individuals in your life very well all of the time. People will want to be
around you and you will not understand why. They will return the gifts of
validation that you have offered in many ways and enrich your life.
Ultimately, you will value and be valued at a much deeper level by all the
individuals you interact with and build quick rapport and have great
conversations.

This exercise pyramid illustrates the building process:

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The Author

Robin Dreeke is in charge of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s elite
Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program (BAP). Although Robin
always had aspired to become a great leader, he realized from his time at the
United States Naval Academy and in the United States Marine Corps that
leadership was much more than just telling people what to do: a great leader
uses interpersonal skills to influence, rather than command, others. As a
commander in charge of over 200 recruits and 16 drill instructors at Parris
Island, South Carolina, Robin learned the fundamentals of leadership and
influence. Upon entering service in the FBI in 1997, Robin was assigned to
the FBI’s New York field office where he was tasked to recruit spies and
confidential human sources in the agency’s efforts to thwart the effort of our
country’s adversaries. Along his journey, Robin was accepted as a field
assessor for the BAP and received advanced training and experience in the
area of social psychology and the practical application of the science behind
relationship development.

Robin’s remarkable journey began as a 1992 graduate of the United
States Naval Academy and former U. S. Marine Corps Officer. He has studied
interpersonal relations for the past 23 years of his government service.
Through observations of nonverbal behavior, use of the Personal Discernment
Inventory, the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, and his own unique techniques,
Robin has built highly effective tools for all aspects and stages of
interpersonal communication. For over fourteen years, Robin has applied and
taught his tools and techniques for the FBI as a member and National
Program Manager of the Counterintelligence Division’s elite Behavioral
Analysis Program. Robin has combined all these tools and techniques and
created a one-of-a-kind formula for success with people.

Today, Robin is a recognized expert, author, and gifted lecturer in the
art of interpersonal communication. These skills are used every day in
leadership, sales, human resources, and all relationships, both business and
personal.















For more information and free resources, please visit:

http://www.peopleformula.com