Pulling Back the Curtain: Revise a Letter

Sam Shrestha

University of Mississippi
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I have always been an avid reader and writer but never really managed to score as

high as I wanted to as often as I wished for. As such, reading “Naming what we know” and

critically examining the work of established writers has been a godsend. Doing so allowed me to

learn what actually made for good writing, where I fell short, and most importantly, why. The

assignment that I chose to analyze for this project is called “Revise a Letter” from Writ 300. This

was a course I completed alongside Writ 301 during the past semester which is why I personally

found it to be a very strong submission as I was applying what I had learned in Writ 300. In this

assignment, I was asked to choose between three emails that each had their own unique types of

error and content. The one I chose to revise was a fairly infamous email from Neal Patterson,

CEO of Cerner Corporation to his managers in a Kansas City branch. We were meant to revise

the letter in such a way that it sounds more professional and persuasive from the recipient’s

perspective.

The instructor didn’t really specify too many guidelines since the prompt was only

about a paragraph long. As such, there was a certain degree of freedom as long as we maintained

the narrative and could sufficiently explain the rhetorical choices we made. During class, he said

that we were free to research our own public emails and internalize what we found effective.

Although it wasn’t quite the same, this reminded me of Dr. Frazier’s method where he pushed

for students to discover that “indelicable educational moment” by having them explore what was

beyond predetermined material (Romano, 2018). I thought it was a fairly straightforward

exercise which I absolutely nailed until I was handed back my essay alongside the feedback. I

got an 87 which was fine but somewhat disheartening since I wanted a perfect score. I apparently

took too many creative liberties and could’ve been more concise alongside some other minor

errors. I agree with his evaluation and it is not in my place to argue since he would clearly know
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more. However, the only thing that didn’t sit right with me was being penalized on taking

creative liberties when the lines weren’t fully set in the prompt.

While I didn’t quite make any explicit connections when I was doing my revision,

I now realize that a large bulk of what we’ve learnt so far was applicable to the assignment. For

instance, we learnt that writing has many purposes in “A rhetoric for writing teachers” and for

this email, the purpose is social necessity (Lindemann, 1982). Patterson’s goal was to deliver an

ultimatum to a large number of people as a consequence of the company’s poor actions that lead

to a boiling point. This one email encompassed many of the tenets we’d come to learn in the past

3 weeks. Specifically, that “writing is a technology” (the email), “writing involves making

ethical choices” (Patterson’s crass and unapologetic language), “writing expresses and shares

meaning” (the ultimatum that was provided) and “writing addresses, invokes, and/or creates

audiences” (the managers who received the email and the unintended recipients in the internet

when the emails were leaked) (Adler-Kassner, 2015).

Speaking of the original letter itself, it was like a master class on everything that

isn’t recommended when emailing in the workplace regardless of one’s position. It was rude,

condescending, overly long, unorganized, all over the place, disrespectful, threatening and just

about everything else that one wouldn’t want to be when asking for changes. Patterson

repeatedly berated his managers for failing to live up to his standards by being too carefree and

lax with the company’s employees. John Warner actually mentions how many people can be

poor writers in the workplace because of just how monotonous and impractical the coursework

they are used to is (Warner, 2018). They are all too used to “writing for the teacher, writing for

the grade”; perhaps Patterson should’ve learnt how to communicate and express ideas better

through text. Due to the vague prompt and lack of specifications, I was very excited to re-do the
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essay since it was somewhat reminiscent of the experiment in “Learning and writing what

matters” where the researchers wanted to see what would happen when students were allowed to

explore an idea of their own choosing on their own terms (Buckley-Marudas, 2018). I remember

thinking that it would be quite the challenge to get the original point across without sounding

even half as insufferable.

In order to make sure that I didn’t stray too far from the original message, I listed

down the main points by going line by line. I then re-organized them in terms of priority and

removed the ones at the bottom. Next, I chose to re-do the entire structure and give specific

purposes to each paragraph. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to adhere to any format, and definitely

not the dreaded “five-paragraph-essay” mandate. However, I did end up restructuring the original

email’s content into an introduction, body and conclusion. In hindsight, I now realize that even

the 5-paragraph essay itself isn’t bad; its being forced to use it that is. When I did my revision, I

put in an introduction as a specific rhetoric choice with a purpose behind it instead of as a

formality or requirement. Likewise, I did the conclusion because I realized it would suit the

overall message well since it was a very long email where a proper send-off could do wonders.

Despite somewhat turning into a cynical extremist in support of excessive freedom and a

complete overhaul of the grading system; one where rubrics are very loosely defined and much

less adhered to, I now realize that conventions became conventions for a reason. They’re like the

respected cousin of clichés. If it wasn’t true for a prolonged time period for a large number of

people, then it wouldn’t end up a cliché to begin with. Even though I was practically free to re-do

the email in any way I wanted, I still had to take the same steps I would’ve when redoing any

other email. For example, I assessed who my audience was, how to best reach them, how to be
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most persuasive, what pitfalls to avoid, what rhetorical choices to strategically implement for a

positive effect, what psychological tricks I could use and so on.

While my instructor did appreciate all the effort that I had put in, he still felt as if

I could’ve done better which is fair enough. I admit, I shouldn’t have changed the narrative by

playing the good guy and attributing the ultimatum to a board of directors which allowed me to

play the good guy. I still wish he’d been a just more specific concerning his other comments. He

told me that my narrative had changed a bit too much but didn’t specify where exactly a line was

drawn in the prompt. He said that I should’ve omitted certain parts of the email such as pronoun

usage; something that wouldn’t go over well with unintended recipients (the internet and the

public), but never specified which parties I was supposed to keep in mind while writing. These

were certainly minor gripes and he did reward me well for all that I did but it still left a

somewhat bitter taste in my mouth. I thought it felt kind of cheap to provide such an

unconventional and open prompt with unspecified restrictions and then to end up docking points

for taking that creative liberty. I felt like my instructor was on the right track since it was just the

type of assignment I push for after learning what we’ve learnt but that he didn’t commit to it all

the way through. Furthermore, while he was on the right track indeed, it would’ve been even

better if there weren’t any hard deadlines or a word limit and we were allowed to revise any

email of our own choosing.

However, I now realize that it is impractical to ask of such things and that conventions are

absolutely vital. If nothing else, they at least provide a consistent and even metric on which

students can be graded fairly on. I myself could’ve also taken more precautions and gone out of

my way to ensure my work was up to par. At the end of the day, one can always do better. There

is no such thing as a perfect piece of writing and I am glad that he went out of his way to critique
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me the way he did instead of just enabling my ego. It is a very slippery slope when it comes to

assigning unconventional work and one can’t be blamed for a few missteps here and there along

the way.
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References

Adler-Kassner, L. and Wardle, E., 2015. Naming What We Know. University Press of Colorado.

Buckley-Marudas, M., 2018. Mary Frances (Molly) Buckley-Marudas. National Council of

Teachers of English.

Lindemann, E. and Anderson, D., 2001. A Rhetoric for Writing Teachers. New York: Oxford

University Press.

WARNER, J., 2020. Why they Can’t Write. Johns Hopkins Univs Press.
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APPENDIX A

From: Patterson,Neal
To: DL_ALL_MANAGERS;
Subject: MANAGEMENT
DIRECTIVE: Week #10_01: Fix it or changes will be made
Importance: High
To the KC_based managers: I have gone over the top. I have been making this point for over one
year. We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our KC-based
EMPLOYEES. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8AM; likewise at 5PM. As managers -- you
either do not know what your EMPLOYEES are doing; or YOU do not CARE.
You have created expectations on the work effort which allowed this to happen inside Cerner,
creating a very unhealthy environment. In either case, you have a problem and you will fix it or I
will replace you. NEVER in my career have I allowed a team which worked for me to think they
had a 40 hour job. I have allowed YOU to create a culture which is permitting this. NO
LONGER. At the end of next week, I am plan to implement the following:
1. Closing of Associate Center to EMPLOYEES from 7:30AM to 6:30PM.
2. Implementing a hiring freeze for all KC based positions. It will require Cabinet approval
to hire someone into a KC based team. I chair our Cabinet.
3. Implementing a time clock system, requiring EMPLOYEES to 'punch in' and 'punch out'
to work. Any unapproved absences will be charged to the EMPLOYEES vacation.
4. We passed a Stock Purchase Program, allowing for the EMPLOYEE to purchase Cerner
stock at a 15% discount, at Friday's BOD meeting. Hell will freeze over before this CEO
implements ANOTHER EMPLOYEE benefit in this Culture.
5. Implement a 5% reduction of staff in KC.
6. I am tabling the promotions until I am convinced that the ones being promoted are the
solution, not the problem.
If you are the problem, pack you bags. I think this parental type action SUCKS. However, what
you are doing, as managers, with this company makes me SICK. It makes sick to have to write
this directive. I know I am painting with a broad brush and the majority of the KC based
associates are hard working, committed to Cerner success and committed to transforming health
care. I know the parking lot is not a great measurement for 'effort'. I know that 'results' is what
counts, not 'effort'. But I am through with the debate. We have a big vision. It will require a big
effort. Too many in KC are not making the effort.
I want to hear from you. If you think I am wrong with any of this, please state your case. If you
have some ideas on how to fix this problem, let me hear those. I am very curious how you think
we got here. If you know team members who are the problem, let me know. Please include
(copy) Kynda in all of your replies. I STRONGLY suggest that you call some 7AM, 6PM and
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Saturday AM team meetings with the EMPLOYEES who work directly for you. Discuss this
serious issue with your team. I suggest that you call your first meeting -- tonight.
Something is going to change. I am giving you two weeks to fix this. My measurement will be
the parking lot: it should be substantially full at 7:30 AM and 6:30 PM. The pizza man should
show up at 7:30 PM to feed the starving teams working late. The lot should be half full on
Saturday mornings. We have a lot of work to do. If you do not have enough to keep your teams
busy, let me know immediately. Folks this is a management problem, not an EMPLOYEE
problem. Congratulations, you are management. You have the responsibility for our
EMPLOYEES. I will hold you accountable. You have allowed this to get to this state.
You have two weeks. Tick, tock.
Neal …..
Chairman & Chief Executive Officer
Cerner Corporation
www.cerner.com
2800 Rockcreek Parkway;
Kansas City, Missouri 64117
"We Make Health Care Smarter"
APPENDIX B

REVISED LETTER:

From: Patterson,Neal
To: DL_ALL_MANAGERS;
Subject: MANAGEMENT DIRECTIVE: A number of necessary changes
Importance: High

Managers,
It pains me to bring this to your attention but do understand that I have raised the issue for over a
year and am at the end of my wits here. As your superior, it is my duty to make sure that
employees properly clock in the required number of hours as stated in their contract. However,
this has simply not been the case. The parking lot is practically empty at 8AM and 5PM which
says a lot. I am aware this isn’t a proper indicator of effort but you get the point. As managers, I
am sure you have your own way of doing things; perhaps you believe in a carefree and relaxed
culture so as to boost productivity and motivation. Regardless, being present on the agreed time
is the absolute bare minimum and I simply cannot permit things to run this way any longer.
While I trust that this will be the last time that I need to go over this, there are still a number of
changes that I plan to implement at the end of next week:
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1. Closing of Associate Center to employees from 7:30AM to 6:30PM.

2. Implementing a hiring freeze for all KC based positions without cabinet approval.
3. Implementing a time clock system, where unapproved absences will be charged to the
employees’ vacation.
4. Rescinding the stock purchase program until work expectations are met.
6. Halting all promotions till I personally oversee each employee’s performance appriasal.
Believe me, I hate having to do this. But I hate seeing the company fall by the wayside even
more. I
Understand that I may be generalizing here and that the majority of the KC based associates are
hardworking and dedicated; that the end results matter more than the process. Regardless, the
fact is that we are capable of a lot more and we are simply not doing enough. Do keep in mind
that this comes from a good place. If I didn’t believe in you guys then I wouldn’t be having these
expectations. I’m aware my approach may be misguided and I may be wrong. If so, let me hear
what you have to say on how we got here, who’s to blame and how to climb back up. Please
include Kynda in all of your replies.

I strongly advise you to call team meetings ASAP. It is not my wish but unfortunately the board
is thinking of letting people go based on the coming two weeks; there is only so much I can do to
advocate for my employees. They want results and they want to see it fast. Before you think this
is unfair, remember that it is your job to keep the employees in line, their actions directly reflect
the influence and control you have over them. I believe we’ve made the right hiring choices and
that we guys are more than capable of getting back on track. Since this is all very sudden, for
now, my measurement will be the parking lot. It should be substantially full at 7:30 AM and 6:30
PM and half full on Saturday mornings. If you do not have enough to keep your teams busy, let
me know immediately. I will be personally monitoring the situation and the top 3 managers to
show the most changes will get a personal recommendation from me alongside a weeklong paid-
for vacation to Hawaii. Thank you for understanding where I come from and for continuing to be
a part of our vision.

Sincerely yours,
Neal
Chairman & Chief Executive Officer
Cerner Corporation www.cerner.com
2800 Rockcreek Parkway; Kansas City, Missouri 64117
"We Make Health Care Smarter"