The Advanced Theory of Advancement

Real Genius
An introduction to the highly advanced theory of Advancement: an entirely

new way to appreciate Sting, Val Kilmer, C-Murder, and other profound
artists
by Chuck Klosterman | Jul 01 '04
Once in a while, everything about the world changes at once. This is one of those
times.
Consider everything you think you know about music. Consider all that you believe to be
"good" and all that you believe to be "bad." Consider the manner in which you view
popular culture. And now— today —cast all those thoughts aside. I've got some bad
news, my friend: You are wrong about everything. But you are going to evolve. You are
going to understand.
You are going to Advance.
It's entirely possible that you're unaware of Advancement theory; like most renegade
fields of cultural study, it exists on the fringes of society. However, Advancement theory
is the future of intellectual discourse in this country (and possibly in Western Europe). As
a school of academic thought, it's still young; Advancement emerged just fourteen years
ago at the University of South Carolina. It is also Byzantine: I concede that I am merely a
wide-eyed frosh in this discipline, and that many of its principles still baffle me. But I am
learning, and so will you. It is my assertion that—within the next two hundred years—
Advancement theory will be the primary means of understanding rock 'n' roll, and
perhaps all artistic ventures. Prepare to have your paradigm obliterated. . . .
WHAT IS ADVANCEMENT?
Advancement is a cultural condition in which an Advanced individual—i.e., a true
genius—creates a piece of art that 99 percent of the population perceives to be bad.
However, this is not because the work itself is flawed; this is because most consumers are
not Advanced.
Now, don't assume this means that everything terrible is awesome, or vice versa; that
contrarianism has no place in Advancement theory. The key to Advancement is that
Advanced artists a) do not do what is expected of them but also b) do not do the opposite
of what is expected of them. If an artist does the direct opposite of what is anticipated, he
is classified as "overt" (more on this later). The bottom line is this: When a genius does
something that appears idiotic, it does not necessarily mean he suddenly sucks. What it
might mean is that he's doing something you cannot understand, because he has
Advanced beyond you.
WHO IS ADVANCED?
Without question, the most Advanced figure of all time is Lou Reed. Reed's single most
Advanced moment came in 1986, when he released the song "The Original Wrapper," in
which he raps about AIDS, Louis Farrakhan, and waffles. (Last year's The Raven , a
concept album inspired by Edgar Allen Poe, runs a close second.) The fact that Korn
made an anticorporate radio song called "Y'All Want a Single"—but then made an edited,
radio-friendly version of this very same song—is Advanced. David Byrne's cover of
Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)" is profoundly
Advanced, as is the Bowie– Jagger cover of "Dancing in the Street." The most Advanced
hard-rock album ever was Music from "The Elder," by Kiss, the soundtrack for a movie
that does not exist. The Elder also includes songs cowritten by Lou Reed, which
obviously helps. Last year, rapper C-Murder was charged with murder. If you name
yourself C-Murder and then you actually murder someone, consider yourself Advanced.
WHO IS NOT ADVANCED?

Almost everybody else. Neil Young is not Advanced; his career is built on the premise
that he follows no rules, so he cannot Advance beyond the lawlessness of his inherent
nature. None of the Beatles were Advanced, although Paul McCartney is close. Bob
Dylan only flirts with Advancement; in fact, his recent appearance in a Victoria's Secret
commercial might be his most Advanced move ever. However, this does not mean these
people can never Advance; that's always possible. For example, if Radiohead released an
album of wordless, mechanized droning, that would be predictable. If Radiohead made a
glam-rock record, that would be overt. But if Radiohead recorded an album of blues
standards, they would Advance. The potential is there.
WHAT ARE THE RULES OF ADVANCEMENT?

This depends on whom you believe. The founders of Advancement theory enforce strict
criteria: The Advanced artist must (at some point in his career) wear a black leather
jacket with black sunglasses, he must have a mullet, and he must appear on the cover of
his own solo albums. However, almost no second-generation Advancement theorists
follow these guidelines. The only thing that everyone seems to agree upon is that
Advancement has no relationship to irony. If something is done ironically, it cannot be
Advanced.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE "OVERT"?

This is an especially confusing point, but it's essential to the overall theory. If a band is
overt, they appear Advanced. However, they are actually the opposite of Advanced,
because their seemingly inexplicable decisions are driven by guile. For example, the
Darkness are overt. The Flaming Lips are overt. When Kurt Cobain collaborated with
William S. Burroughs in 1993, that defined overtness. However—and here's the tricky
part—you usually need to become overt before you can become Advanced. Liz Phair's
last record was overt, but she is accelerating toward Advancement. And once you achieve
Advancement, you can then return to being overt, at which point you are classified as an
"Advanced Irritant." The epitome of this is Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music . (I don't
fully grasp this part, either.)
WHO INVENTED ADVANCEMENT?

The school of Advancement was founded by Jason Hartley and Britt Bergman in 1990,
during a conversation at a Pizza Hut in Columbia, South Carolina. Hartley and Bergman
view Advancement as a more "optimistic" way to enjoy rock 'n' roll, because it eliminates
the tyranny of what's supposed to be cool or trendy; Advancement is the appreciation of
music that seems illogical on purpose .
"Geniuses evolve in a way very specific to themselves," says Hartley, who is currently
the editorial director for Delia's, a store that sells clothing to teenage girls. (This is a
highly Advanced career choice for a heterosexual academic.) "For example, an overt
artist will put out material that is ambiguous and can therefore be interpreted by the
listener in any manner he desires. Michael Stipe's lyrics don't really mean anything, so
any sixteen-year-old can convince himself that those words can mean whatever he wants.
But the Advanced artist never does this."
ARE THERE CRITICS OF ADVANCEMENT?

Indeed. Some pundits find Advancement's circular logic both dogmatic and reductive.
"Advancement scholars do not foster a spirit of inquiry," says Rob Sheffield, a six-foot-
five-inch writer for Rolling Stone
and the owner of many moderately expensive sweaters. "It's really just a way for
Advancement proponents to appreciate shitty music by people they consider to be
nonshitty. It allows you to engage with Lou Reed's music from the 1980s, but not the
Hooters or the Outfield. This entire theory is shackled by a Heisenbergian principle of
self-consciousness."
This is a valid point, possibly. Even Hartley is sometimes stymied by his own authority;
once something is deemed Advanced, all debate is moot.
"I find Sting unlistenable," admits Hartley. "But I know that Sting is Advanced. He must
be super-Advanced, and I just don't understand him. It's kind of like when Einstein came
up with the theory of relativity; there were still parts of that theory that even Einstein
could not understand. Those concepts were left for future generations."
In other words, it's really up to us—all of us. Only you can advance the cause of
Advancement. The truth is out there, and he's probably wearing sunglasses. ?
The Most Advanced Actor in the Universe

» Whenever I'm asked who my favorite actor is, I inevitably pick somebody who
doesn't technically exist anymore. I find myself saying things like "Al Pacino in 1972" or
"Paul Newman, back when he played convicts and drunken cowboys." This, of course, is
cheating; anyone can spot coolness retrospectively. The tougher question is "Who's your
favorite actor right now ?" I think I know the answer. The best working male actor is Val
Kilmer.
Oh, I know Philip Seymour Hoffman is great, and John C. Reilly is pretty good, and
Benicio Del Toro is not terrible. But Val Kilmer—who appears this month in
Mindhunters , about an FBI profiler who's profiling a serial killer who kills FBI profilers
—is so weird . And he's not weird in that obvious, look-how-weird-I-am manner that
defines Johnny Depp; he's weird in a way that even Val could not explain. When he
starred in David Mamet's Spartan , he played a government agent who appeared to have
no philosophical relationship to the government. When he played real-life porn star John
Holmes in Wonderland , he acted like someone who never actually existed. However,
when he portrayed Jim Morrison in The Doors , he tried to act exactly like Morrison,
injecting no element of himself into the role whatsoever. He did the same thing in
Tombstone , despite the fact that nobody even knows what Doc Holliday is supposed to
act like.
It just seems like nobody makes the kinds of decisions that Kilmer makes all the time.
Plus, he was in the remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau . That's pretty Advanced. —C. K.

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Real Genius

An introduction to the highly advanced theory of Advancement: an entirely

by Chuck Klosterman | Jul 01 '04

You are going to Advance.

WHO IS NOT ADVANCED?

WHAT ARE THE RULES OF ADVANCEMENT?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE "OVERT"?

WHO INVENTED ADVANCEMENT?

ARE THERE CRITICS OF ADVANCEMENT?

The Most Advanced Actor in the Universe

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