Grammar 101

For students who should know

the basics, but don't.

Just three rules,

given to you straight.

No pretty pictures.
No fancy layout.
No bullshit.

by Professor Peter Moskos

© 2019

Second edition: March 2019

An online version can be found at https://petermoskos.com

Table of Contents

Introduction: Is Grammar 101 right for you? 1

Rule #1: Write in complete sentences 3
Rule #2: The subject and verb will agree 6
Rule #3: Use commas correctly 9
Everything else:
The misunderstood apostrophe 12
Who and whom 13
Less and fewer 14
Capitalization: Stop doing it 14
for no reason, damn it!
Periods and commas go inside quotation marks 15
Stop using the dastardly semicolon! 15
The unloved hyphen 16
Adjectives and adverbs 17
Avoid passive verbs 17
Infinitives and gerunds: Verbs without shame! 18
“Rules” to know before ignoring them 18
Homonyms: same same, but different 20
Ten sexy writing tips to drive 21
your partner wild
1

Introduction: Is Grammar 101 right for you?

Are you in college and still fumbling with basic
grammar? Are you getting bad grades on writing
assignments even though you know what you’re trying
to say? If you’re not clear about the difference between
a subject, a verb, and an object, this little booklet is for
you.
Grammar 101 is for smart students who should
know the basics of grammar but do not. If it makes you
feel better, you’re not alone. Maybe English isn’t your
first language. Maybe you never had a teacher who
taught grammar. Perhaps you’ve only had teachers
who circle what is wrong without ever teaching you
what is right. Some professors are afraid to edit in red
because they may hurt your tender self-esteem. But my
goal isn’t to make you feel better. I want you to write
better. At some point you need to learn basic grammar.
Besides, maybe it is your fault you can’t write
correctly. Maybe you goofed off in high school.
Maybe you didn’t give a damn what made a sentence
“complete.” Maybe you thought you didn’t need to
learn this crap. And now you know you were wrong.
No problem. There’s no shame in learning. Better late
than never.
This guide is not an advanced guide to writing or
style. My goal is simply to bring your writing up to a
level where whoever grades your paper doesn’t think,
“Is this person an idiot?” I want to make sure your
future employers don’t toss your résumé while
snickering, “Another proud product of New York City
public schools!” (And I have nothing against public
schools. I am a product of them myself.)

Grammar 101
 2

Writing is more formal than speaking. You need to

learn the basics of Standard English grammar. Sure,
some of these rules don’t necessarily make sense. They
can even be culturally and racially biased. But while
there’s nothing inherently better about one kind of
English over another, in mainstream America you need
to write correctly in Standard English. If you don’t,
many people — including those who grade college
papers and read job applications — will look down on
you. But you probably already know that, or else you
wouldn’t be reading this.
So where should you start? A good first step is to
buy a dictionary. Sure, you can look up words online.
But a real dictionary on your desk is a tool of the trade.
A dictionary by your side says you’re serious about
school and writing. Plus, they’re cheap. My favorite is
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. You can
probably find one used or at a stoop sale for $2. If you
won’t buy a dictionary, bookmark merriam-
webster.com.
The second step is not to be overwhelmed. You can
go quite far in life without knowing what exactly
constitutes, say, a participial phrase. I mention this
because, honestly, I’m not 100 percent sure what it
means. You can learn basic writing and grammar
without knowing all the terms, but some nomenclature
(use your dictionary whenever you don’t know a word)
is essential.
The good news is that grammar comes naturally.
Even if you don’t know what complete sentences are,
you probably use them when you speak. Now let’s get
going!

by Peter Moskos
3

Rule #1: Write in complete sentences

Sentences need one subject, one verb, and usually one
object. Grasp this and everything else will start to fall
into place. To repeat, a sentence is nothing more than a
subject, a verb, and (probably) an object. Let’s break
this baby down.
The subject is a noun: a person, place, or thing. It
is what does something. House, subway, the Bronx,
and DJ are all nouns. You can usually put the in front
of a noun.
The verb is the action word: go, stay, eat, drink, or
kiss. In a sentence, the verb is what the subject does.
The object is also a noun (a person, place, or
thing). The object (also known as a direct object) is
what something is done to.
Take this sentence: The DJ spins the records. Try
to identify the three parts of speech. The subject is the
DJ (he or she on the wheels of steel), the verb is spins
(what the DJ is doing), and the object (what something
is being done to) is records. If you have a subject, a
verb, and an object, you have a complete sentence.
End that shit with a period and you’re done.
Congratulations! That’s half the battle. If the
sentence were The DJ is spinning the records, then the
verb would be is spinning. A verb can be two words.
No worries.
Take this gem of a sentence: She slapped her two-
timing man. It’s a perfectly fine sentence. Let’s break
it down backward. What’s the object? Ask yourself,
“Who got slapped?” The man. The verb, what
happened, is slapped. She is the subject, the one who
did the slapping.

Grammar 101
 4

By the way, not that you asked, but I, you, he, she,
it, we, you, and they are called pronouns. In writing,
try to keep pronouns to a minimum because they’re
vague. August Vollmer, Robert Peel, and Bill Bratton
walked into a bar. He told a joke. Who? Which one?
Or: There is a mess in the precinct. It is nasty. Is the
precinct nasty? Or the mess? We can’t be certain. Use
the specific noun whenever possible.
Once you have a subject, verb, and object, end the
sentence with a period. You could go on … but why?
Keep things short and simple.
Some verbs do not need an object to make a
complete sentence. The subway screeches, The man
talks, and Jesus rises. These are all perfectly fine
sentences. Verbs that need objects are called
transitive. Verbs that don’t need objects are called
intransitive. Dictionaries will tell you if a verb is one
or the other or can be either.
This might be a good time to mention that
sometimes sentences don’t need subjects. If you order
somebody to do something, it’s called an imperative.
Go to the store. Get off that baby. Put out that fire.
Fuck me! None of these actually have an explicit
subject, but “you” is there in spirit.
If you do not have a complete sentence, you have a
phrase (or clause). A phrase can be a lot of things,
but it’s less than a sentence. Watch me turn the
previous sentence into two: A phrase can be a lot of
things. It’s less than a sentence. Instead of , but, I used
a period and started a new sentence. Both are
grammatically correct. As a general rule, shorter
sentences are better. If you insist on combining two
complete sentences into one, do so by placing a comma

by Peter Moskos
5

before an and or but (and also sometimes or or

because).
If you have a sentence like this, then you need to
separate the two parts of that sentence with a comma.
That preceding underlined part could be a complete
sentence (in the context here, it is called an
independent clause because it can stand alone).
The if in the sentence above — and it could be
another word like while, as, because, although, or
when — makes the first part of the sentence a phrase
called a dependent clause. It is dependent on
something else to make it complete.
You can also put phrases in sentences to modify
things, to make things more complicated, and even to
add maudlin poetic beauty to your writing. But a
phrase such as maudlin poetic beauty doesn’t stand
alone as a sentence. You would need to say: Maudlin
poetic beauty is probably not what you’re going for.
Take the phrase Wherever she goes. It can’t stand
alone. It doesn’t make sense standing alone. It lacks a
subject. It’s begging for completion.
Of course you could use Wherever she goes to
answer a question like Where do you follow her? Then
the subject, verb, and object (I follow her) are all
implied in your answer. You could also say She goes
wherever, and this would be a complete sentence
because wherever just got changed into the object (and
the meaning changed, too). But let’s stick with the
original.
Wherever she goes, she leaves the men talking.
Now there’s a sentence! The core sentence? The
subject, verb, and object: She leaves men. Everything
else — even if essential to the meaning — is just icing

Grammar 101
 6

on the tasty cake of basic grammar. A phrase may be

essential to the meaning of a sentence, but it’s not vital
to the core grammar of the sentence.
Here’s a quick summary quiz. There are just three
words in the following sentence. She eats food.
Identify the subject, verb, and object. Assuming the
answer is now obvious, read on.

Rule #2: The subject and verb will agree

The subject and verb must agree in two ways: 1)
singular or plural, and 2) person. Ah, yes, but what
does “agree” mean? Or “person,” for that matter?
“Agree” means that if the subject is singular, the verb
must be singular. If the subject is plural the verb must
be plural. Singular means just one. Plural is more than
one. It really is that simple.
A singular subject could be I, she, or a 40-ounce
bottle of King Cobra. Even a case of 40-ounce bottles
of King Cobra is singular. Why? Because there’s just
one case. This is why you need to identify the subject.
Everything after the of is adjective fluff, in this case
describing case. A word that describes a noun is called
an adjective. In the case of this case, everything after
the of describes the case.
If the subject is plural, the verb has to be plural.
The only thing you have to watch out for is the third-
person singular of the verb. It usually ends in s. They
drink whiskey. She drinks wine.
If the subject is anyone, everyone, someone, no
one, nobody, the verb is singular. That’s just a rule. It’s
the same with neither and either. Either Zora or Peter
needs to clean up this mess (one of them, hence
singular). Similarly, Neither she nor he has cleaned up

by Peter Moskos
7

the mess (singular). And means it is plural: Zora and

Peter need to clean up this mess. That is to say, They
need to clean it up.
In a sentence, the verb always agrees with the
subject. It doesn’t matter what comes between the
subject and verb. And this is true even when it sounds
funny. For instance: The cop who arrested the thugs
wants you. That sounds weird because in a different
sentence you might say The thugs want you (want
without an s). But the subject of the first sentence is
one cop, not many thugs. And the verb always agrees
with the subject.
Here’s another example: One of the professors is a
crook. Yes, you could say The professors are crooks.
But in the first sentence, one is the subject (singular),
not professors (plural). If something comes right after a
preposition like of, you know it isn’t the subject.
The verb also has to agree in person. This is
simple. The first person is I (or we in the plural), the
second person is you (same in the plural), and the
third person is he, she, or it (they in the plural). That’s
it. Really. For instance: I go to the store; he goes to the
store. Even though go and goes are both singular, go is
first person [I or we], and goes is third person singular
[he, she, or it]. When you hear, “Avoid the first person
in academic writing,” your professor just means don’t
use “I” in your papers.
English verbs don’t change much, but they do
change a little. Like many verbs, to go doesn’t change
except for the third-person singular present tense (I go,
you go, we go, they go, but he/she/it goes). Usually the
change is as simple as adding an s. Easy-peasy. Not
adding this s is stereotyped as uneducated ghetto talk.

Grammar 101
 8

Is that fair? No. Is it racist? Probably. But if you don’t

want educated people (of all races) snickering, get this
right.
Now let’s do a real old-fashioned grammar
exercise and conjugate a verb. To understand what
“conjugate” means, it helps to have taken a foreign-
language class. You conjugate verbs all the time in
Spanish class. Just list all the forms of the verb in first,
second, and third person, singular first and then plural.
Take the verb to have. Conjugating goes like this: I
have, you (singular) have, he/she/it has, we have, you
(plural) have, they have.
Subjects and verbs also have to agree in past,
present or future tense. The past tense of go is went.
The future adds will.
Now let’s consider the conditional tense. This is
when something is either hypothetical or contrary to
fact, as if you were talking about what you wish had
happened: Had I gone to the club, I so would have
scored. The conditional kicks in anytime something
starts with if. The conditional of to be is were, as in If I
were a rich man.... “If I was” is commonly used, but
wrong.
There are also things called cases. These can have
fancy names like “past conditional” (for example: I
would have seen) and “pluperfect” (whatever that
means). Feel free to ponder the subtle distinctions
between I see, I saw, I will see, I have seen, I had seen,
I will have seen, I would see, and I would have seen.
See?

by Peter Moskos
9

Rule #3: Use commas correctly

The little comma is amazing. Seriously. It’s so small
and does so much. Commas can be a kind of a
breather, a helpful hint so your readers don’t get
confused. But there are times you need a comma.
Let’s eat, grandma! has a very different meaning
than Let’s eat grandma! The comma means grandma
isn’t the object of the sentence or your appetite.
Similarly, I love cooking, my dog, and my mom is
an easily understood series of things I like. Without the
commas I love cooking my dog and my mom gets into
some seriously bad eating.
Let’s say you wrote this, a mistake I see way too
often: Vybz Kartel used a meat grinder and he made a
tasty meat patty. This is your basic run-on sentence.
(Vybz Kartel is an imprisoned reggae artist who had an
unfortunate fondness for grinding meat.) With a
comma (, and) you can make the sentence
grammatically correct (albeit needlessly long). The
comma is there for your reader. It shows where the
pause is and tells the reader a new subject is coming
up.
1) Vybz Kartel used a grinder. He made a tasty meat
patty. Two good sentences that, like Vybz himself,
probably shouldn’t be messed with.
2) You could make it one sentence: Vybz Kartel used
a meat grinder, and he made a tasty meat patty.
3) If the latter part of a sentence doesn’t have a
subject, if it’s just made a tasty meat patty, then use
and without a comma: Vybz Kartel used a grinder and
made a tasty meat patty.

Grammar 101
 10

This is important: If the second part of the sentence

— the part after the and or but — can stand alone as a
complete sentence, then you need a comma before the
and or but. That’s the rule! So zip it, and quit your
bitching. Use one of the three methods above. They’re
all correct. Which you use is a matter of taste, style,
and context.
There’s also an important rule about setting
phrases off with commas: If an adjective phrase is
essential to a sentence, you don’t use commas. If the
phrase isn’t essential to the sentence, set it off with
commas. They serve a purpose, these commas around
phrases do, to keep things clear.
Consider these two sentences: The man, who was
fat, mugged me. And The man who was fat mugged
me. In the first sentence you got mugged by one man,
who happened to be fat. In the second sentence there
may have been two men, one fat and one skinny, and
you’re saying the fat man mugged you.
Here are more examples where commas matter:
• Students who don’t know basic grammar won’t
graduate.
• Students, who don’t know basic grammar, won’t
graduate.
The first sentence says that if you don’t know basic
grammar, then you won’t graduate. But the students
who don’t know basic grammar are not all students.
Since who don’t know basic grammar is essential to
the meaning of the first sentence, you don’t use
commas.
The second sentence says that all students don’t
know basic grammar. Students won’t graduate. The

by Peter Moskos
11

phrase who don’t know basic grammar modifies or

describes students, but it’s not essential. You could
delete who don’t know basic grammar and the
sentence would mean the same thing. Since the phrase
is not essential, you do use commas.
You can test your sentences by taking out the text
between the commas. If the sentence still means what
you’re trying to say, then keep the commas.
Here’s another place to use commas. If, before the
subject in a sentence, you start a sentence with a phrase
or two, set these phrases off with commas. Here’s an
example: Signing the bill, the president trembled. If the
phrase does not start the sentence, the comma isn’t
needed: The president trembled as he signed the bill.
Now I’m going to keep adding phrases (and commas):
Signing the bill, the president, recently elected by a
corrupt union, trembled with fear. I could just keep
going: Signing the bill, the president, recently elected
by a corrupt union, knowing that mob would knock on
his door, afraid his mistress would kill him, trembled
with fear. Stylistically this lengthy sentence is a mess.
But grammatically it’s OK as long as you keep setting
off these phrases with commas. The subject and verb
— president and trembled — have not changed. (And
since trembled is an intransitive verb, it doesn’t need
an object.)
While you can and must use commas where they’re
needed, it’s best to keep your sentences short and
simple: Recently elected by a corrupt union, the
president signed the bill. He trembled with fear. The
mob would soon knock on his door. And the president
knew his mistress was out to kill him. This could be
the start of what could be an A+ thriller!

Grammar 101
 12

Also, commas always go between cities and states

(Albuquerque, New Mexico) and between cities and
countries (Athens, Greece). A comma separates the
year when you list something in month-day-year
format: After September 11, 2001, Katie hated that
September 11 was also her birthday.
Commas in a series are called, not surprisingly,
“serial commas.” Include the last comma before and in
a series of three of more things. For some historical
reason that I do not know, newspapers don’t follow
this rule. But assuming your last name isn’t Times,
News, or Post, you should use that serial comma before
the final and or or in a series.
That’s it. Just three things to learn: complete
sentences, subject verb agreement, and comma usage.
Learn those and you’ll get better grades on your
papers. Guaranteed or your money back. Well done.
End of story.

But wait … of course there’s more! If you’ve read

this far, why not read more? Own this. Learn a bit
more. You’ll look great and write even better. And
everybody loves a good writer.

The misunderstood apostrophe

The apostrophe (’) is used for two unrelated purposes.
First, it shows possession, when something belongs to
someone. Second, the apostrophe makes up for missing
letters, as in a contraction.
Possession: The driver’s uniform is dirty. The
uniform belongs to one driver (singular): ’s. More than

by Peter Moskos
13

one driver (plural): s’. That’s the rule. The drivers’

uniforms are dirty. And if the word already ends in s?
Still add ’s for the singular possessive (and just an ’
after the s for the plural possessive). The species’s
extinction meant the end of the passenger pigeon. The
species’ extinction marked the end of the world!
Contractions are the other use for apostrophes.
Doesn’t stands for does not. It’s stands for it is. You
know this already. But get ready to have your mind
blown: The possessive form of its does not use an
apostrophe. The bodega has cold beer. Its beer is cold.
Did that blow your mind? Well, goddamnit, it should. I
mean, why is there one single case where you leave out
an apostrophe to indicate possession? I don’t know.
But that’s the way it is.
If you don’t think apostrophes matter, consider
this: Many readers mind small print (because their
vision isn’t good). This is different from Many readers’
minds are filled with marbles. The word mind can be
either a verb or a noun. And what mind means depends
on which part of speech it is. And how do we know?
Because of a little apostrophe! Duuude.…

Who and whom

Who is a subject used when I, he, or she could be
used. Whom is an object where you might use me,
him, or her. In common spoken usage, people use who
all the time. No big deal. You’ll rarely get serious stink
eye for using who, but why not get it right? And using
whom incorrectly is both pretentious and wrong. Did
you know the guy who was naked? You might think
you could use a whom there. Nope.

Grammar 101
 14

Less and fewer

It makes me sad that the difference between less and
fewer is disappearing. Sometimes it matters! If you’re
talking about things that are or can be made plural, use
fewer. Fewer is used for things you can count. I’m
going to have fewer racist friends means I’m going to
dump my racist friends. I want less racist friends
means I’m going to keep my friends. But I want them
to be less racist.

Capitalization: Stop doing it for no reason, damn it!

I don’t know what else to say. Kids these days! I don’t
know why they never use capitals when texting and
then capitalize words in papers willy-nilly. It makes
the old man in me grumpy. (And get off my lawn!)
If in doubt, I say don’t capitalize. Only because
ninety percent of the capitalization errors I see are
words that are capitalized when they should not be.
Do capitalize the first word of sentences. I is
always capitalized. So are proper nouns. And
abbreviations. That’s it (more or less). A proper noun
is a specific, named person or place: New York City,
Central Park, Brooklyn, and Hades.
Titles are only capitalized when specific names
follow. Officer Moskos is capitalized. But police
officer with no name after it is not capitalized even
when it refers to a specific officer: Police Officer
Moskos was a very handsome police officer. New
York Police Department is capitalized because it’s one
specific police department. But police department is
not, even when you’re talking about the NYPD.
Similarly, president is not capitalized unless you name

by Peter Moskos
15

a specific president: President Obama was a better

president than President Ronald Reagan.
Some concepts like “reform era of policing” or
“broken windows” can go either way. If in doubt,
follow the source or just decide (and then be
consistent). And God is always capitalized. Why?
Because He says so.

Periods and commas go inside quotation marks

“This is wrong”, even though you probably do it. “This
is right,” I say. I just wish I saw it more. Your
professor says, “Commas and periods go inside the
closing quotation marks.” Always. (At least in
American English. The rule is different in British
English.)
Your professor also says, “Somebody once told
me, and I quote, ‘If you have a quotation inside
another quote, the double quotes change to single
quotes.’ ” A quote in a quote is the only time you
should ever use the single quote. And yes, a single
close-quote looks just like an apostrophe, but
technically it’s different.

Stop using the dastardly semicolon!

You’re not impressing anybody. Seriously. Here’s
God’s honest truth: You never have to use the
semicolon. Ever. And misused semicolons stand out
like the illiterate bit of pretension they are. Just skip it.
But if something deep down inside you screams, “Oh
my God, I need a semicolon here because these two
complete sentences won’t make perfect sense until
they’re more closely linked by something between the
comma and period,” well, I can’t stop you. But don’t.

Grammar 101
 16

Personally, I use semicolons only when a period

would distort the meaning of two complete sentences
and those two sentences could be switched in order.
That’s a pretty high standard. Since you shouldn’t use
semicolons, I’m hesitant to give even one example of
proper usage. A good writer avoids using semicolons;
a bad writer uses too many.
But no matter what I say, some of you are still
going to use semicolons. So let me add this:
Semicolons function more like periods than commas.
If you can’t replace a semicolon with a period and
have things be grammatically correct, you’re doing it
wrong. And sometimes, particularly in academic
papers, you might see a semicolon as a sort of super
comma in a long descriptive series in which commas
are also used. This is correct usage. But it’s both rare
and a bit old-fashioned.

The unloved hyphen

A hyphen is a dash (-). You might want to use
hyphens more. They tie words together and usually
make things less ambiguous. Most often, hyphens
involve adjectives (words that describe nouns).
Let’s say there was a failed plot to bomb the
subway. What we have is a failed subway bombing.
Failed refers to bombing. But if we throw in a hyphen
we can have a failed-subway bombing. With the
hyphen, failed modifies subway. The subway failed, so
we bombed it. And let’s consider a failed subway-
bomb. Here the subway itself is a bomb. Craaazy! But
at least it failed.

by Peter Moskos
17

Adjectives and adverbs

An adjective modifies a noun. An adverb usually ends
in ly and modifies a verb or an adjective. That’s it. A
common mistake with adverbs and adjectives is the use
of good and well. Good is an adjective; well is the
adverb. I feel good means you are healthy. I feel well
means (at least in theory) you’re really good at feeling.
Maybe your hands are extra-sensitive? I feel good
because I listen to James Brown. I feel well because I
am blind and cannot see.
Example: I hate the obnoxious young professor.
Obnoxious and young are adjectives, so they must
modify the noun, professor, who is a jerk. But what if
we were to say, the obnoxiously young professor?
Obnoxiously is an adverb, so it modifies the adjective
young. The problem now is just that the professor is
still a kid.
Just so you know, adverbs are frowned upon in
writing. They say you can always pick a better verb.
I’m not sure who “they” are, but consider this: The
man quickly left the scene of the crime. It’s a bit better
to write: The men fled the scene of the crime. It reads
with more action. And you should always strive to be
more precise and concise in your writing.

Avoid passive verbs

A passive verb is simply the verb to be or to have
combined with another verb. The lady’s phone was
stolen by the man. I know it’s not grammatically
wrong, but in terms of style? The shit is weak. Was
stolen is passive. Use active verbs: The man stole the
lady’s bag. Stole is active. You can almost always

Grammar 101
 18

change the passive voice into the active voice by

swapping the subject and the object. Try it.

Infinitives and gerunds: Verbs without shame!

So what’s an infinitive? Go on, ask me. I dare you!
Because unlike prepositions, this I got down: An
infinitive is the basic two-word form of a verb, with
the first word being to. [mic drop]
To go, to eat, to love, to screw, they’re all
infinitives. And they let verbs do some crazy shit, like
morph into objects. He wants to go. You might think
to go is a verb, but here it’s an object. What does he
want? He wants to go.
If you add ing to a verb, you create a gerund.
Running, talking, eating, and fucking are all gerunds.
And gerunds do play, passing as nouns and even
adjectives.
Identify the subject of this sentence: Observing
somebody is secret but exciting work. Hmm … secret
and exciting are adjectives because they describe work,
the object. The verb is is. If you think the subject is
somebody … you’d be wrong. Think about it. The
secret but exciting work isn’t somebody but observing.
Watch this change: Observing, somebody got
busted. Somebody is now the subject. Observing, the
gerund, just shape-shifted into a kind of adjective
describing that somebody. (And once again, our hero,
the little comma, makes a big difference.)

“Rules” to know before ignoring them

Ever hear anybody say “don’t split infinitives” or
“don’t start sentences with and or but”? Yeah? Well
here’s my rule: Fuck ’em! People who worry about

by Peter Moskos
19

such rules aren’t getting enough action. These people

tend to be the same prudes who say “never end a
sentence with a preposition.” That is an absurd
concept that sprang out of some 18th-century love of
Latin. It has nothing to with English. The most famous
quote on this matter is attributed to Winston Churchill
(if you don’t know who he is, look him up): “Ending a
sentence with a preposition is something up with which
I shall not put.” The joke here, you see, is how absurd
it is to follow this so-called rule.
What is a preposition? Er, I was afraid you would
ask. I don’t really know. But a quick Google search
tells me a preposition is “something that links subjects,
verbs, and objects.” On, beneath, under, and up can all
be prepositions. The cop locked his ass up both ends in
a preposition (up) and splits up the verb (locked up).
But it’s OK because there’s a certain flair and meaning
that would be lost if you said, The police officer
arrested the gentleman.
Other things being equal, you can’t go wrong by
keeping an infinitive together, but it really doesn’t
matter. Is it better to say He wants to go quickly rather
than He wants to quickly go? I don’t think so. And
there’s actually a subtle difference in meaning: to go
quickly implies the journey will be fast; to quickly go
implies the departure is quick. Just be warned that
some numskulls still say not to split infinitives.

Grammar 101
 20

Homonyms: same same, but different

To is the most common form of this word. Too
To, Too, with two o’s means “also.” Two is 2. You need
& Two to piss, too? Then go to the alley. Just don’t
take a number-two!
Then with an e is used in the context of time.
Then
Jimmy made a mess. Then Rhonda had to clean
&
it up. Than with an a is used as a comparative.
Than
Rhonda is smarter than Jimmy.
Their, Their is possessive. They’re is a contraction of
They’re, they are. Nothing else. There is used for
& everything else. Over there, their cat is dirty.
There They’re looking at you, hot mama.
Whether
I’m going to Coney Island whether or not the
&
weather is hot. You figure it out.
Weather
Right You’re right. This one is not hard. Right versus
& left. And you need to know how to write a
Write complete sentence, right?
Usually affect is a verb and effect is a noun.
Affect
The spliff affected him. The effect of the spliff
&
was memorable. From my experience, odds are
Effect
that you mean effect.
Where refers to a place or state of being.
Where,
Where did I leave my weed? Were is the past
Were,
(and also conditional) tense of are. We’re is an
&
abbreviation of we are. Where rhymes with
We’re
dare. Were rhymes with purr.

by Peter Moskos
21

Ten sexy writing tips to drive your partner wild

1) Grammar matters. If you write well, you’ll seem

smarter. If you write well, you may even be smarter.
2) Use short and complete sentences: a subject, a verb,
and probably an object. Next sentence, please.
3) Every sentence in a paragraph needs to relate to the
same concept. Keep paragraphs short (four or five
sentences is good) and never a page long.
4) Use the active voice. Avoid passive verbs.
5) In academic writing, don’t use the first person.
6) A happy grader is an easy grader. Make things easy
for your grader. Clearly state your main point in the
title, the first sentence, or the first paragraph.
7) Edit for clarity and to be concise. Cut words and
sentences mercilessly. Prune with glee. Don’t say in
five words what you can say in three.
8) Writing isn’t easy. There’s no shortcut here. Take
time to do it right. A rushed paper is a crappy paper.
9) Use a normal font (like Times New Roman 12
point) and normal margins (1.25 inches all around is
good). Use page numbers after the first page.
10) Proofread. Don’t just use spell check! It’s good to
print out an actual hard copy to edit and proofread. It’s
even better to find somebody who can edit and
proofread your work. Then, right before submitting
your paper, proofread again. Write in corrections. Of
all the time you spend working on a paper, the last 30
minutes spent rereading are the most beneficial.

Grammar 101