Making Your

Long Distance Relationship Work

By Michelle
from www.lovingfromadistance.com

Thanks for downloading your free copy of

my short but sweet e-book!

My name is Michelle and I am the creator

and co-founder of
LovingFromADistance.com. My partner
Frank and I have been in a long distance
relationship since April 2006. Being a long
distance couple has not been easy! Our relationship has experienced many
ups and downs over the years – it is far from perfect. However, we have
learned from our mistakes and have grown stronger and our love for each
other has too!

Over the course of time that Frank and I have been giving long distance
relationship advice, we have found that many people are in desperate need
of learning the basics of keeping their long distance relationship going.
Too many times, we have seen long distancers making the same mistakes
over and over again.

When people are invested in their emotions, these basics can easily be
overlooked. So as you read this e-book have an open mind and be
objective –you will understand this information a lot better. View your
relationship as if you are an outsider.

I have written this free e-book to teach people what to do and what not to
do in their long distance relationship if they want to overcome the distance.

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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
Respect your partner
From responding to people’s questions, we’ve realized that many people aren’t showing
their partner as much respect as they should be. A lot of times all we hear is, “me, me,
me, me…” when it comes to people describing how they feel when their relationship is
suffering. Often times, the feelings of their partner are overlooked, and they only are
thinking about themselves.

They expect their partner to fulfill their every need and feel that it is their right. Now
listen, your partner is only human they can only do so much and it would be impossible
for them to meet your every expectation. They have lives outside of your relationship,
just as you do, or should. When you feel you have been wronged in some way in your
relationship, have an open mind –try to see things from your partner’s point of view.
How would you feel if you were on the other side of the issue? You may come to realize
that you may react or do the same as them, or at least you will be able to understand
why they react they way they do.

Let me give an example of a common issue, just to put this into context. Many times
people will feel that their boyfriend or girlfriend does not care about them as much as
they used to. This could be for various reasons, but usually they will begin to feel this
way if their boyfriend/girlfriend stops doing nice things for them, or even when their
phone conversations become limited or short and their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t talk
to them as much anymore, or even doesn’t want to.

In this situation, people will feel that their boyfriend/girlfriend is the culprit. They are
the ones that do not want to talk; they are the ones that stopped doing special things.
Now try to see things from their perspective. Maybe they have become bogged down
by something going on in their lives, and they don’t have the time they used to. Maybe
they feel there is not much to talk about and when they do get on the phone with you,
you yourself don’t have much to say. Maybe they stopped doing special things, because
you don’t hardly ever return the favor.

The point I am trying to make with this example is these that things can’t be overlooked.
Always take into consideration your partner’s feelings and try to understand where they
are coming from before you take any action. You need to respect their their feelings
before you attack them with words such as, “You don’t care about me anymore.” That
can really hurt. So think about them next time and respect their feelings, by recognizing
them and trying to do something about it, instead of expecting them to. I think you’ll
start to see them reciprocating the respect you give them.

That said…

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Do things to make your partner feel special

Try to think of something you can do everyday to

show your partner that you care. This can be as little
as saying “I love you.” Or, “I love talking to you.” Or
even, “You make me happy.” Those little things will
make them feel great and it will give them
reassurance.

Other things you can do… send a handwritten letter,

email a picture of yourself to them, send a small gift,
take an interest in their interests. For example, maybe
you saw an article online that you think they would
enjoy reading. Send it to them! Having constant
reassurance that you care about them and think about
them all the time will mean a lot. Not only they will
benefit, but you will too, and your relationship will
benefit from it tremendously. This is something so simple to do. It’s actually so simple
that once a couple feels comfortable and settled in their relationship they tend to forget
how important it is to do these little things for their partner.

Keep learning about each other

People often come to us saying they just don’t know what to talk about anymore. Not
knowing what to say strains their phone calls which then causes arguments and a lot of
bad feelings about their relationship in general. Keeping that spark can be hard to do
once a relationship’s newness has worn off.

Long distance couples use the phone a lot and/or have written hundreds of emails.
What more can there possibly be to talk about? I can assure you, that there are things
you don’t know about your partner, and you just haven’t realized it yet.

Frank and I were once in a situation where we didn’t have anything to talk about. Phone
calls were dreaded because we didn’t know what to say, except for the usual things
going on in our lives. We went from having interesting, intellectual conversations and
debates, to having mind-numbing, boring talk.

A desperate move, I bought an e-book, called 1000 Questions for Couples, in the
hopes it would get us out of this conversation slump we were in. Much to my surprise,
it actually helped tremendously. Much more than I expected it would. Frank loved
being on the phone with me again, and vice versa. I bought it about a year ago, and I
still open it up every once in a while when we’re bored on the phone. It never
disappoints! One question might give us an hour of conversation. It wasn’t free, but it
was definitely a good investment that I am thankful I made for our relationship.
Trust each other
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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
Another issue we see a lot is the lack of trust
in people’s long distance relationships.

Rule of thumb? Don’t distrust someone,

unless they have given you a reason to not
trust them. Have they cheated on you before?
If not, then trust them. It is never okay to
accuse someone of cheating unless you
absolutely know for certain they are cheating.
So many people have come to the conclusion
their partner is cheating on them when their
partner doesn’t do everything they want
them to do. It really distracts from the real
problem, which is some other underlying relationship issue that is causing a strain on
the relationship.

Okay, okay, so you still want to know that they are not cheating. So how can you figure
this out the correct way? Well first of all, don’t be a snoop and hack into their email or
anything else. That is an obvious no-no. People have come to us having seen emails or
saw a text message on their partner’s phone that seems suspicious. That is snooping
and we don’t condone it. Intruding into your partner’s privacy shows a lack of respect
you have for your partner.

First of all, if you are in a committed relationship with someone, you should be able to
talk about anything and everything. Nothing is off limits. So don’t be afraid to ask
tough questions. But how do you ask without sounding accusatory? I would simply ask
a hypothetical question, for example, “If you ever cheated on me, would you tell me?”
Listen to their response. If they say yes, then I think you are okay. If they come back
with a response like, “Why would you ask me that?” Then they are showing a little
defense. Not a good sign, but don’t accuse them yet. Just say you’re just curious. If
they continue to be on the defense, and are trying to avoid talking about it, then you
might ask them if they have ever cheated.

Plan for a future

Don’t enter a long distance relationship if you aren’t willing to
have your life changed drastically. A relationship cannot
remain long distance forever. At least one person is eventually
going to have to move for the other, if not both. You both
have to be willing to move for the other person. If you really
love each other, this shouldn’t be a problem. You shouldn’t be
in a long distance relationship if you don’t love them anyway.
Long distance relationships, are not casual relationships, they
can’t be. Long distance dating isn’t like same city dating,

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where in same city dating, a relationship may start off as casual. A couple that has
entered a long distance relationship must agree that they are in a committed
relationship.

Visit as often as reasonably possible

Set a date. Planning for a visit gives you both something to look forward to. Visits can
be such a wonderful boost for a long distance relationship. Frank and I know how much
an expense visiting a long distance boyfriend/girlfriend can be. Plan for the expense.
Save up money. Split the costs. Whatever it takes, know that it is always worth making
the trip to see the one you love. But be reasonable – make sure you can afford a trip
before you spend all your savings.

Communicate at a regular, but reasonable

frequency

Some couples will talk for several hours per day. That isn’t
right for everyone, in fact, that is quite extreme. But
communicating once every couple of weeks is also extreme.
If you can help it, try to communicate on a daily basis, and
then figure out a reasonable amount of time you can each
spend on the phone. Some people’s lives may be busier
than others, so the amount of communication in
relationship can vary. There is not set magical amount of
time that everyone should spend. For Frank and I we
spend up to 2 hours a day either on the phone, online,
usually a combination of the two. Some days only 20
minutes or sometimes even just a call to say “goodnight.”
Other days (usually special days we can’t spend together like our anniversary), we might
actually spend a few hours, but we obviously plan ahead for that. Consider not just your
own schedule, but also your partner’s. Respect that they may be very busy on day that
you might have completely free. At least call each day to say “goodnight.” I believe
that is something most people should be able to do without too much difficulty if they
have a phone.

If you’re worried about phone bills, I think it’s time to purchase cell phones with
providers that allow free calling within the network, even if it means having to switch
phone companies or get plans with enough minutes so you won’t run out and get
charged more if you go over your limit. If you live in different countries, or you can’t
afford to switch cell phone providers right away, try free internet calls through services
such as Skype and Ekko.

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Do get a webcam and good internet service
This may be out of your control if you’re a teenager in a long distance relationship, and
your parents don’t want to spend on money on high speed internet or lend you the
cash to get a webcam (teenagers out there reading this, if you have these things,
consider yourself lucky to have supporting parents!). If however, it is within your means
to have these things, do it! Your relationship will be much much much better. And I
don’t know what you’ve been waiting for. You certainly won’t regret it.

A webcam allows more interaction than a phone ever could. A webcam gives you the
ability to learn your partner’s body language and facial expressions. Interactions are
also much more enjoyable and there is less pressure to speak when you don’t have
much to say – another advantage of using a webcam versus using the phone alone.

Don’t be afraid to show you’re afraid

Don’t be afraid to share insecurities or ask the questions you want to ask.
Communication should be open. Who better, but your boyfriend/girlfriend, to answer
your questions or give you reassurance about any insecurity you may have about your
relationship. People come to us all the time asking us if we think that their partner is
cheating, or asking us what we think their partner is thinking. We can only make
guesses, or give you a couple possibilities, but only they can give you the real answers
and give you more reassurance than we ever could.

Don’t forget you have a life

For some personalities, it can be easy to become consumed by your relationship, so
much to a point that you forget about your friends and family around you. Long
distance relationships can consume a good amount of your time, but don’t lose your
connections with other people in the process. Make sure your long distance love life is
balanced with your everyday life at home. It’s okay to tell friends “no” every once in a
while when they ask you to go out with them if you are planning to spend time with
your long distance boyfriend/girlfriend, but don’t say no every time. At the same time,
don’t treat your boyfriend/girlfriend as if they are a lower priority than your friends and
don’t always choose your friends over him/her.

Do have date nights

Set aside time for a date night every week. Watch a movie together, eat the same meal,
find things to do to interact online, or just chat it up for a longer amount of time on the

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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
phone than usual. Just because you’re far away doesn’t mean you can’t have a date.
For a ton of LDR ideas and activities that you can do from a distance, check out
our Things for LDR Couples to Do page.

How to handle long distance arguments

It’s going to happen eventually if you haven’t had an argument already. Having an
argument long distance is not easy. There are certain things
you should and should not do in an argument.

- Don’t hang up the phone. As tempting as it might

be, this is the worst thing you could possibly do. It is
disrespectful and in my opinion no one deserves it.
Try to stick it out. Make a promise to each other that
you will not hang up the phone.

- Don’t interrupt. Take turns explaining your points, and hear the other person
out.

- Actually listen to what they are saying and don’t think about why they are
wrong or prepare how you are going to argue what they are saying, just listen.
Don’t dismiss their points even if you think they are downright wrong. Show
them some respect, if you want respect in return.

- Tell them how you feel not what they did. Say how they made you feel. For
example, “I feel like I’m low priority in your busy life.” Instead of, “You make
hanging out with me a lower priority than hanging out with your friends.” The
difference? Using the second sentence is going to make them feel defensive and
they are only going to argue with you. Telling them how it makes you feel will be
a lot more effective.

- Try to find a compromise. Agree on something you’re both comfortable with

even if it means not getting exactly what either of you want. It’s better than not
getting what you want at all.

- Don’t use the cold shoulder technique. This is just as bad as hanging up.
Giving someone the cold shoulder (aka. not speaking to them) is only going to
make things worse. You’re not going to get any happier, and they aren’t either.
And it’s not going to make them come crawling to you for forgiveness and give
you what you want (the usual motive, whether the person doing the ignoring will
admit to that or not). Just don’t do it.

- Don’t put off conflict. Handle the issue ASAP. Get it over and done with. The
longer it lingers, the longer it will be affecting your relationship in a negative way.

- Don’t create an argument. Sometimes people will get frustrated with the
distance and make a big deal about something small that probably wouldn’t
usually bother them. Avoid creating an argument in the first place and you’ll
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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
 save yourself a lot trouble. If you are frustrated with the distance, talk about it
with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Venting about what you’re really upset with is
better than getting into a heated argument about something unrelated.

- Avoid having an argument online. If you start to argue, it is better to talk it

out, instead of instant messaging. The last thing you need is to be
misinterpreted.

Definite Don’ts for any Long

Distance Relationship

I’ve already mentioned some “Don’ts” in the previous

section, but here are some other things you should
avoid .

1. Don’t rush things. Some people who come to us for advice are in this scenario: they
have only been together with their long distance boyfriend for a week or a month, and
they think their boyfriend/girlfriend should be okay with their high expectations that
they have for the relationship early on. Either they are talking about moving to be with
them a week after starting their relationship, or are so demanding in other ways that
they end up pushing them away early in the relationship. In their minds, they think they
are married at the start! And they don’t get why their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with
them… please…

2. Don’t expect them to always answer their phone. This is another problem people
come to us with. Just because they don’t answer their phone, doesn’t mean it is a
giveaway that they are cheating or are intentionally ignoring you. Don’t get yourself
riled up. They are more likely than not too busy to answer their phone or their phone is
in different room and they don’t hear it. Don’t have high expectations like this, period.

3. Don’t put yourself in certain situations. Although people in long distance

relationships don’t cheat any more than people in same city relationships, cheating
continues to be a big concern in LDRs. To avoid being accused of cheating, avoid
putting yourself in situations where cheating might actually be tempting. Don’t hang
around others that you know are into you or that at some point were interested in
before you started dating your long distance boyfriend/girlfriend. Just don’t hang out
alone with someone that might be a sexual interest. Don’t put yourself in any situation
that might be suspicious if your girlfriend/boyfriend found out about it. You will save
yourself a lot of trouble.

4. Don’t lie. Obvious, but don’t lie to avoid your girlfriend/boyfriend. For example, if
your boyfriend/girlfriend calls and you don’t want to talk to them because he/she called
you 5 times already today, don’t tell them you’re busy writing a paper, or grocery
shopping, or whatever to get out of a conversation with them. Just tell them you don’t
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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
want to talk to them and you need a day to do whatever you want. Long distance
relationships can be draining of course and we all need some space, even in a LDR. It’s
okay to ask for space, but don’t overdo it.

5. Don’t let them control your life, and don’t control theirs. We’ve seen some
ridiculous stuff that we can’t believe others have let happen in their relationships, or
why people would even stay in these relationships. They are in a long distance situation,
and their boyfriend/girlfriend tries to control them. This can be somewhat innocent
such as people asking us how they can make their boyfriend/girlfriend go to a certain
school that is close to them, how to get their EX boyfriend/girlfriend to go back to them
after many months, or how to make their boyfriend/girlfriend do nice things for them.
It can also be extreme. For example, people have had so much control over their
boyfriend/girlfriend that they have manipulated them to send money to them on a
regular basis. That certainly isn’t a healthy relationship (and if you’re in that situation,
get out of it!). For the more innocent things, such as wanting your boyfriend/girlfriend
to do nice things for you, do nice things for them first. Don’t make them do them.
Make them WANT to do them.

6. Do not have a “break.” I personally don't think having a break helps any
relationship. Nothing gets "fixed" and you return to the relationship with the same
issues because you didn't work on them together, all you did was avoid them. Problems
have to be sorted out together, not apart. Being able to successfully work out problems
is a test for every relationship, and something you need to be able to do as a couple.

Lastly…
Remember the reason you are in this relationship.
You love each other! And if you have love, then
you can’t let distance destroy that. It is an
obstacle, that most people do not have to face,
and if you can overcome this, and make it to a
point where you can finally live in the same home,
then you will be able to overcome many other
challenges you may face in the future. So for now, in this chapter of your relationship,
make the most of it! And enjoy the small but great benefits long distance can offer to
your relationship including but not limited to sweet reunions and better communication.

I have been in a long distance relationship since April 2006, and know it is possible to
make your LDR work (especially if you are with the right person!) Believe it or not, Frank
and I have had many ups and downs in our own relationship and understand firsthand
how difficult this type of relationship is. I hope you benefit in some way from the advice
I have given here. If you have any questions visit me at www.lovingfromadistance.com

I wish you the best success in your long distance

relationship! - Michelle 
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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
 "The Long Distance Relationship Workbook"
Don’t just read about overcoming the distance –
overcome it!

In “The Long Distance Relationship Workbook,” we’ll give you

the tools you need to help you survive your long distance
relationship. We’ll teach how to avoid the common problems in
long distance relationships by guiding you through lessons we
created.

Frank and I wrote this e-book to help couples cope with

separation and find the motivation to persevere in a long
distance relationship. It contains fun, "school-like" workbook
assignments that you can complete with your partner or do
individually. In addition to the assignments, you will find loads
of long distance relationship advice.

We know that you’ll be so happy with the workbook that we’re

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Read more about "The Long Distance Relationship Workbook" by

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“Love knows no distance” bracelets

A simple statement with a lot of
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Many long distancers have written to us and told

us how happy they are with their “Love knows no
distance” bracelets. We always hear things like,
"My girlfriend/boyfriend and I never take them
off!" Many couples wear the bracelets as a
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apart.

Learn more about “Love knows no distance” bracelets

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Copyright © 2009 Loving From A Distance
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