© The Dramatic Publishing Company

“One of the ‘Top 10 Plays and Musicals of 2012.’ An

unexpectedly delightful holiday musical with a slew of
sprightly songs.” —TIME magazine, Richard Zoglin

“Joyous! … A musical that dares to mess with one

of the most popular Christmas-time movies
of all time and yet manages to not only
do the film justice, but top it.”
—Associated Press, Mark Kennedy

“This tuner boats a

heartwarming but wise
story, an impressive score …
canny staging and a series
of laugh-out-loud
production numbers.”
—Steven Suskin, Variety

Book by Joseph Robinette. Music and lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul.
Based upon the motion picture A Christmas Story, ©1983 Turner Entertainment Co.,
distributed by Warner Bros., written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark, and
on the book In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd.

Cast: 15m., 10w. May expand to 20+m., 15+w. This musical, which received rave reviews
on its Broadway run, is based on the movie classic that runs round-the-clock on television
every Christmas. Set in the 1940s in the fictional town of Homan, Indiana, the musical
follows 9-year-old Ralphie Parker and his quest for the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts—an
Official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot Range Model air rifle. Rebuffed at every turn
with a similar echoing response, Ralphie plots numerous schemes to achieve his desperate
desire for the coveted BB gun. All the iconic scenes from the movie are here: Ralphie’s
friend, Flick, getting his tongue stuck to the flagpole; his brother, Randy, getting dressed
in his snowsuit; the bullies, Farkus and Dill; the leg lamp award; the bunny suit; the
Chinese restaurant; Christmas dinner; and many others. The delightfully versatile score
ranges from gentle ballads to show-stopping full-ensemble numbers such as “Ralphie to
the Rescue,” “A Major Award,” “Sticky Situation,” “Up on Santa’s Lap,” “Somewhere
Hovering Over Indiana” and the inevitable “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!” A Christmas
Story, The Musical will bring an exciting new dimension to those who have seen the movie
and will certainly stand on its own for those who haven’t. Area staging. Approximate
running time: 2 hours. Code: CD2.

ISBN: 978-1-58342-408-7

Dramatic Publishing
311 Washington St.
Woodstock, IL 60098
ph: 800-448-7469
www.dramaticpublishing.com Cover design: Jeanette Alig-Sergel.
© The Dramatic Publishing Company
A Christmas Story, The Musical

Book by
JOSEPH ROBINETTE

Music and lyrics by

BENJ PASEK and JUSTIN PAUL

Based upon the motion picture

A Christmas Story
Distributed by Warner Bros.,
Written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark
and upon
In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash
Written by Jean Shepherd

Dramatic Publishing Company

Woodstock, Illinois ● Australia ● New Zealand ● South Africa

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

 *** NOTICE ***
The amateur and stock acting rights to this work are controlled exclusively by THE
DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY, INC., without whose permission in
writing no performance of it may be given. Royalty must be paid every time a play
is performed whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission
is charged. A play is performed any time it is acted before an audience. Current
royalty rates, applications and restrictions may be found at our website: www.
dramaticpublishing.com, or we may be contacted by mail at: THE DRAMATIC
PUBLISHING COMPANY, INC., 311 Washington St., Woodstock, IL 60098.
COPYRIGHT LAW GIVES THE AUTHOR OR THE AUTHOR’S AGENT THE
EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO MAKE COPIES. This law provides authors with a fair
return for their creative efforts. Authors earn their living from the royalties they
receive from book sales and from the performance of their work. Conscientious
observance of copyright law is not only ethical, it encourages authors to continue
their creative work. This work is fully protected by copyright. No alterations,
deletions or substitutions may be made in the work without the prior written consent
of the publisher. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any
form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording,
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amateurs without payment of royalty. All rights, including, but not limited to, the
professional, motion picture, radio, television, videotape, foreign language, tabloid,
recitation, lecturing, publication and reading, are reserved.

©MMXIV
Book by JOSEPH ROBINETTE
Music and lyrics by BENJ PASEK and JUSTIN PAUL
Based upon the motion picture
A Christmas Story
Distributed by Warner Bros.,
Written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark
and upon
In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash
Written by Jean Shepherd
Printed in the United States of America
All Rights Reserved
(A CHRISTMAS STORY, THE MUSICAL)
For inquiries concerning all other rights, contact:
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, LLC,
1325 Avenue of the Americas, 15th floor
New York, NY 10019 • Phone: (212) 586-5100

ISBN: 978-1-58342-408-7

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

 IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS
All producers of the musical must include the following notice in all programs
distributed in connection with performances of the musical and in all instances
in which the title of the musical appears for purposes of advertising, publicizing
or otherwise exploiting the musical and/or a production: “Book by Joseph
Robinette. Music and lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul. Based upon the
motion picture A Christmas Story distributed by Warner Bros., written by Jean
Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark, and upon In God We Trust: All Others
Pay Cash written by Jean Shepherd. The names of Joseph Robinette, Benj Pasek
and Justin Paul must also appear on a separate line, on which no other name
appears, immediately following the title, and must appear in size of type not less
than fifty percent (50%) the size of the title type. The names of Jean Shepherd,
Leigh Brown and Bob Clark must also appear on a separate line on which no
other name appears, immediately following the names of Joseph Robinette,
Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, and must appear in size of type not less than thirty
percent (30%) the size of the title type. In all programs this notice must appear:

“Produced by special arrangement with

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY, INC., of Woodstock, Illinois.”

In addition, all producers of the musical must include the following acknowl-
edgments on the title page of all programs distributed in connection with perfor-
mances of the musical and on all advertising and promotional materials:

“Produced with permission of Warner Bros. Theatre Ventures and

Dalfie Entertainment.”

“Originally Produced on Broadway by Gerald Goehring, Roy Miller,

Michael F. Mitri, Pat Flicker Addiss, Peter Billingsley, Timothy Laczynski,
Mariano Tolentino, Jr., Louise Beard, Michael Filerman, Scott Hart,
Alison Eckert, Bob Bartner, Michael Jenkins, Angela Milonas
and Bradford W. Smith.”

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

A Christmas Story, The Musical had its premier Broadway produc-
tion at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre in New York under the direction
of James M. Nederlander and James L. Nederlander with opening
previews on November 5, 2012. Opening night was held on No-
vember 19, 2012, running until December 30, 2012.
Cast (in order of appearance)
Jean Shepherd.......................................................................Dan Lauria
Ralphie...............................................................................Johnny Rabe
Ralphie (at certain performances).............................................Joe West
Mother.....................................................................................Erin Dilly
Randy................................................................................... Zac Ballard
The Old Man....................................................................... John Bolton
The Bumpus Hounds........................................................ Pete and Lily
Schwartz..........................................................................J.D. Rodriguez
Flick...............................................................................Jeremy Shinder
Esther Jane...................................................................Analise Scarpaci
Mary Beth......................................................................... Alexa Niziak
Scut Farkus................................................................... Jack Mastrianni
Grover Dill...........................................................................John Babbo
Other Children....... Grace Capeless, Sarah Min-Kyung Park, Luke Spring
Miss Shields.............................................................Caroline O’Connor
Fantasy Villian...............................................................Mark Ledbetter
Bank Manager.....................................................................Luke Spring
Bank Robbers..............................................Nick Gaswirth, Thay Floyd
Prisoner........................................................................... Eddie Korbich
Can-Can Girlfriend........................................................... Alexa Niziak
Delivery Men............................................ Thay Floyd, Mark Ledbetter
Mrs. Schwartz.................................................................. Kirsten Wyatt
Policeman.......................................................................Mark Ledbetter
Fireman................................................................................ Thay Floyd
Doctor............................................................................. Eddie Korbich
Nurse................................................................................ Kirsten Wyatt
Flick’s Mother................................................................Lindsay O’Neil
Mobster Tap Specialty........................................................Luke Spring
Santa Claus...................................................................... Eddie Korbich
Chief Elves...............................................Andrew Cristi, Kirsten Wyatt
Nancy............................................................................. Grace Capeless
Goggles Kid.........................................................................John Babbo
Waiter...............................................................................Andrew Cristi
Waitress............................................................. Sarah Min-Kyung Park

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
Cast (continued)
Neighbors, Shoppers, Parents, Students,
Townspeople, Elves & Others..........................Tia Altinay, John Babbo,
Charissa Bertels, Grace Capeless,
Andrew Cristi, Thay Floyd, Nick Gaswirth,
Eddie Korbich, Mark Ledbetter, Jose Luaces,
Jack Matrianni, Alexa Niziak, Lindsay O’Neil,
Sarah Min-Kyung Park, J.D. Rodriguez,
Analise Scarpaci, Lara Seibert, Jeremy Shinder,
Luke Spring, Kirsten Wyatt

Production Staff
Director................................................................................John Rando
Producers..................................................Gerald Goehring, Roy Miller,
Michael F. Mitri, Pat Flicker Addiss,
Peter Billingsley, Timothy Laczynski,
Mariano Tolentino Jr., Louise H. Beard,
Michael Filerman, Scott Hart, Alison Eckert,
Bob Bartner, Michael Jenkins,
Angela Milonas, Bradford W. Smith
Associate Producers...............................................Vincent G. Palumbo,
Dancap Productions, Inc.,
Jeffrey Jackson, Ric Zivic
Casting.............................................................Stephanie Klapper, CSA
Music Coordinator.............................................................. Talitha Fehr
Choreographer................................................................ Warren Carlyle
Associate Choreographer.....................................................James Gray
Dance music arrangements................................................... Glen Kelly
Vocal arrangements............................................................... Justin Paul
Orchestrations..................................................................... Larry Blank
Music direction & supervision........................................ Ian Eisendrath
Production Stage Manager.....................................................Peter Wolf
Technical Supervisor............................................................. Fred Gallo
General management....................Corker Group, LLC, John S. Corker
Press Representative.................................Keith Sherman & Associates
Advertising & marketing.................................................................. aka
Set design......................................................................... Walt Spangler
Costume design..................................................Elizabeth Hope Clancy
Lighting design............................................................. Howell Binkley
Sound design......................................................................... Ken Travis
Hair & wig design...............................................................Tom Watson
Animals trained by........................................................William Berloni

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
The world premiere of A Christmas Story, The Musical was pro-
duced by Kansas City Repertory Theatre with Eric Rosen, artistic
director, Jerry Genochio, producing director, and Cynthia Rider,
managing director.

Subsequently produced by The 5th Avenue Theatre, Seattle, Wash.,

with David Armstrong, executive producer and artistic director, Ber-
nadine C. Griffin, managing director, and Billy Berry, producing
director.

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
 A Christmas Story, The Musical
CHARACTERS
JEAN SHEPHERD/NARRATOR: Late 40s to early 60s. A
charismatic storyteller who has the ability to weave a spell and
draw an audience into his magical world. He is omniscient but
not overpowering—a good-natured curmudgeon with a deadpan
sense of humor. He holds the audience with his tremendous
presence and spark. [Note: The framing device begins with
Jean’s radio show, but as the action unfolds he becomes a
physical part of the storytelling, a narrator who comes in and out
of the scenes. When he is onstage as the narrator, he is unnoticed
by the other characters (except for the few occasions when he
has direct interaction with Ralphie). When Jean assumes an
onstage role (e.g., the telegram deliverer), he is, of course, seen
by the others as that character. When Jean is observing Ralphie,
he feels and expresses everything just as Ralphie would, exactly
paralleling the boy’s emotional state. The “Universal I” phrase
that Jean uses in his opening speech is his way of distancing
himself from the story, but it is truly autobiographical in nature.]

THE PARKERS:
RALPHIE: 9, going on 10 (may be played by a 9 to 12-year-
old). Cute and winsome, but not precious. Bright, but not
precocious. A regular kid you wouldn’t mind having as a
next-door neighbor. He’s a bit mischievous and rascally but
with a twinkle in his eye.
MOTHER: 30s to 40s. More in charge of the family than the Old
Man is, but she would never let him know it. She is warm
and affable … at times a bit daffy … but not a pushover. A
vibrant woman, she is always busy, especially anytime she’s
in the kitchen. She is the secret engine that keeps the family
running, keeping the household together with an impressive
balancing act.

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

 THE OLD MAN: 30s to 40s. A guy with a good heart, though
it is buried beneath a sometimes gruff (and rough) exterior.
He’s a devoted husband and father who loves his family but
doesn’t overtly show it. He usually expects the worst but is ca-
pable of excitement if the situation warrants (though it usually
doesn’t). In his moments of fantasy, he is transformed from his
usual grumbling blue-collar self to a true song and dance man.
RANDY: 7 to 8 (may be played by a 7 to 10-year-old). Ralphie’s
younger brother. Cute, cuddly and whiny. Admires Ralphie
but won’t admit it. He’s at the stage of childhood wherein he
seems opposed to everything, but he’s still lovable—not a brat.

THE KIDS (may be doubled):

SCHWARTZ: a classmate.
FLICK: a classmate.
ESTHER JANE: a classmate.
MARY BETH: a classmate.
SCUT FARKUS: 14 to 15. The textbook example of a school-
yard bully, except this truant doesn’t go to school. He is loud,
obnoxious and intimidating. Older than Ralphie and his class-
mates by a year or two, he wears a perpetual scowl beneath
his trademark coonskin cap. He always appears at the most
inopportune times to scare and harass his innocent victims.
GROVER DILL: 9 to 12. Always at Farkus’ side is his toady,
Dill. Much younger and decidedly smaller than Farkus, Dill
delights in being tethered to his “hero.” He punctuates the
bully’s threats and warnings with a series of rapid-fire bel-
ly-laughs, thus making the two of them the scourge of the
neighborhood whenever they appear. But, like most of their
ilk, when the two are finally challenged and bested, they turn
out to be the biggest cowards of all.
BOY CUSTOMERS
GIRLS (3) TAP SPECIALTY BOY
NANCY GOGGLES KID
BANK TELLERS WAITER’S DAUGHTER

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

THE ADULTS (may be doubled):
MISS SHIELDS: Mid 30s to late 50s. The local elementary
school teacher. A seemingly stereotypical 1940s educator—
prim and proper. Stern when necessary, though warm—and
even humorous—when the situation merits it. In Ralphie’s
fantasy, she becomes a dynamic, show-stopping, brassy
belter and tapper—a force to be reckoned with.
SANTA: Early 30s to early 60s. The Santa Claus at Higbee’s
Department Store is decidedly unlike the typical “Jolly Old
Elf” of legend and lore. Ill-tempered and slightly inebriat-
ed, he is unhappy with his job. He dismisses each child as
quickly as possible in an attempt to put an end to the day and,
perhaps, head for the nearest “watering hole.”
ELVES (8) CUSTOMERS
DELIVERY MEN (2) CAN-CAN GIRLS
TOWNSPEOPLE CAN-CAN GIRLFRIEND
PARENTS POLICEMAN
VILLAIN FIREMAN
BANKROBBERS (2) DOCTOR
ESCAPED PRISONER NURSE
BARTENDER WAITER

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
 SETTINGS
ACT I
PROLOGUE: Christmas Eve, several years ago
New York City
A street corner outside the radio studio of Station WOR
The radio studio desk
SCENE 1: December 1, 1940
The Parker family house
Higbee’s Department Store
SCENE 2: The next day
The Parker family house
A small portion of the outside yard
SCENE 3: Soon afterward
A path leading to school
SCENE 4: A few minutes later
The classroom
SCENE 5: A week later
The Parker family house
SCENE 6: Early evening on December 13, 1940
The Parker family house
SCENE 7: Immediately following
On the road
SCENE 8: Late that night
The Parker family house

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
ACT II
SCENE 1: December 20, 1940
The schoolyard and classroom
SCENE 2: A 1930s kid gangster fantasy at a speakeasy
SCENE 3: Immediately following
A path from school
SCENE 4: A few minutes later
The Parker family house
SCENE 5: Christmas Eve
Santa’s station at Higbee’s Department Store
SCENE 6: Christmas Eve
The Parker family house
SCENE 7: A half hour or so later
Ralphie and Randy’s bedroom
SCENE 8: Christmas Morning
The Parker family house
A Chinese restaurant, Chop Suey Palace
The town

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
 MUSICAL NUMBERS - ACT I
1. Overture................................................................................. 17
Orchestra
1a. Transition to 1940.................................................................. 18
Orchestra
2. It All Comes Down to Christmas (Part 1).............................. 18
Ralphie, The Parkers
2a. It All Comes Down to Christmas (Part 2).............................. 22
The Parkers, Kids, Ensemble, Townspeople
2b. Higbee’s Window................................................................... 25
Ralphie, Kids, Ensemble
3. Red Ryder Carbine-Action BB Gun....................................... 26
Ralphie, Jean25
3a. It All Comes Down to Christmas (Reprise)........................... 28
Ralphie, Ensemble, Townsmen, Kids, Mother
4. The Genius on Cleveland Street............................................. 30
The Old Man, Mother
4a. The Furnace Blues................................................................. 34
Orchestra
4b. An Opening!.......................................................................... 35
Ensemble, Ralphie
4c. The Path to School................................................................. 38
Orchestra
5. When You’re a Wimp............................................................. 39
Ralphie, Randy, Schwartz, Flick, Esther Jane, Mary Beth,
Farkus, Dill, Kids
5a. After Wimp............................................................................ 42
Orchestra
5b. What I Want for Christmas.................................................... 43
Orchestra

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
6. Ralphie to the Rescue!........................................................... 43
Ralphie, Miss Shields, The Old Man, Mother, Randy, Ensemble
6a. After Ralphie to the Rescue!.................................................. 50
Ralphie
7. What a Mother Does.............................................................. 52
Mother
7a. Miss Shields Fantasy.............................................................. 55
Orchestra
7b. Haul It In................................................................................ 58
Orchestra
8. A Major Award....................................................................... 59
The Old Man, Mother, Townspeople, Kids
8a. After Major Award................................................................. 66
Orchestra
9. Parker Family Sing-along...................................................... 68
The Parkers
9a. Flat Tire.................................................................................. 69
Orchestra
9b. F*@#!..................................................................................... 71
Orchestra
10. Act I Finale............................................................................. 74
Ralphie, Townspeople, The Old Man, Mother, Randy

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
 MUSICAL NUMBERS - ACT II
11. Entr’acte................................................................................. 77
Orchestra
11a. Before Sticky Situation.......................................................... 77
Orchestra
12. Sticky Situation...................................................................... 77
Ralphie, Kids (Girls), Schwartz, Flick, Policeman, Doctor,
Fireman, Flick’s Mom, Nurse
12a. Sticky Situation (Playoff)...................................................... 83
Orchestra
12b. To the Nightclub.................................................................... 85
Farkus, Dill, Kids
13. You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!................................................... 86
Farkus, Dill, Schwartz, Flick, Kids, Miss Shields
13a. You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out! (Playoff).................................... 89
Orchestra
13b. The Fight................................................................................ 90
Kids
14. Just Like That......................................................................... 92
Mother
14a. Red Ryder (Reprise) & At Higbee’s....................................... 97
Ralphie and Elves
15. Up on Santa’s Lap.................................................................. 99
Santa, Mary Beth, Elves, Ralphie, Randy and Kids
15a. Up on Santa’s Lap (Playoff) & Transition Back to the Parker
House................................................................................... 106
Orchestra
16. Before The Old Man Comes Home..................................... 108
The Parkers
16a. The Night Before Christmas................................................ 113
Orchestra

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
17. Somewhere Hovering Over Indiana..................................... 113
Ralphie, Randy and Kids
18. Christmas Morning.............................................................. 117
Ralphie and Randy
18a. Ralphie to the Rescue! (Reprise).......................................... 122
Ralphie and Ensemble
18b. Bumpus Hounds................................................................... 125
Orchestra
18c. To the Chop Suey Palace..................................................... 127
Orchestra
19. A Christmas Story................................................................ 129
The Parkers and Full Company
20. Bows.................................................................................... 134
Orchestra
21. Exit Music............................................................................ 134
Orchestra

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
 PRODUCTION NOTES
FARKUS and DILL: The two villains are not members of Ralphie’s
class. They are, however, used in production numbers that
occur outside of school and, of course, in any scenes where
they have lines.
THE BUMPUS HOUNDS: In the original Broadway production,
live trained dogs were used to great effect. If trained dogs are
not available, it is suggested that adult or child actors might
portray the animals or that puppets be used. If not practical, all
of The Old Man’s lines about—and to—the dogs may be played
and delivered offstage before he enters the house and/or through
the open door when he comes inside.
BB GUNS: In the simpler times of 1940’s America, the wish for a
Christmas or birthday BB gun was on many a young person’s
list. It was a very common gift in those days. Most of the
instances of guns being used in this show, particularly by the
ensemble, can be done with guns in boxes with a picture on the
outside of the box (as appeared on the original Red Ryder box).
Only in the fantasy, “Ralphie to the Rescue” and in the final
moments of the show—when Ralphie unwraps his gift—do we
actually see a real BB gun being held.

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
 A Christmas Story, The Musical
ACT I
(#1: “Overture”)
PROLOGUE
(New York City. A street corner outside the radio studio at
Station WOR. Christmas Eve, many years ago.
At C is a Salvation Army SANTA, slowly and rhythmically
ringing a hand bell next to a donation kettle hanging from
a tripod. Anxious shoppers and businesspeople hurry along
their way, ignoring SANTA and his bell. Near the end of
the “Overture,” JEAN SHEPHERD, wearing an overcoat,
gloves and hat enters. He stops, tosses a few coins into the
kettle and begins to walk toward the suggestion of a radio
studio that has materialized, in some form, DC. Perhaps a
desk, containing a microphone, which may have an “On
Air” sign attached. SANTA gives the bell a good-natured
scolding ring, stopping JEAN, who pulls out a couple of
bills and ceremoniously drops them into the kettle. As JEAN
goes to leave, SANTA once more stops him with a rather
violent ringing of the bell. JEAN, incredulous, tosses his
remaining change in the bucket. SANTA resumes the rhyth-
mic ringing and disappears from view. JEAN moves to the
studio, removes his outer garments, signals to an unseen
engineer, sits and speaks into a microphone.)
JEAN (as the “Overture” ends, delivered with high energy,
excitement and a wry, nostalgic sensibility). Hi, gang! Are
you ready to play radio on this blustery, blizzardy Christmas
Eve? I am if you are. Yes, once again, right here on WOR
in the heart of Manhattan, it’s “The Jean Shepherd Show.”

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© The Dramatic Publishing Company
18 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACT I

(He blows “Charge!” on a kazoo.) Home of the greatest sto-

ries ever told—by yours truly, of course. On my way into
the studio, in the spanking December breeze, I passed by a
Salvation Army Santa Claus listlessly tolling his bell, and
remembered another Christmas, in another time, in anoth-
er place, and … a gun. I take you back to the exotic city
of—(Anticlimactic.) Hohman, Indiana—where the state
line ends abruptly in the icy, detergent-filled waters of Lake
Michigan. Back in the day, Lake Michigan was so polluted
you could run halfway to Milwaukee before you sank to the
bottom. Any-the-how, it was there in Hohman, back in 1940,
that I experienced my most important

(#1a: “Transition to 1940”)

JEAN (cont’d). Yuletide season. Now when I say the word
“I,” I don’t mean me, necessarily. It’s a universal “I.” And
the “I” in this particular story is Ralphie Parker. So sit
back, turn up the volume and let’s go!
(JEAN “orchestrates” the set change as the studio goes off,
and the interior of the Parker house comes into view.)
SCENE 1
(The Parker family house and outside. December 1, 1940.)
MOTHER (impatiently). Ralphie!
(Action onstage freezes.)
JEAN. There it is! The house on Cleveland Street.

(#2: “It All Comes Down to Christmas” [Part 1])

MOTHER (calling upstairs to RALPHIE and RANDY, with
growing urgency). We have to go right now! I’m not kid-
ding, boys! Do you want to miss it?

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

ACT I A Christmas Story, The Musical 19

(Action onstage freezes.)

JEAN. My mother in the kitchen, trying in vain to get us bun-
dled up and out the door.
MOTHER. Ralphie! Randy! I mean now!!
(RANDY enters from the upstairs, going downstairs, not ea-
ger to venture out in the blizzard.)
RANDY. Aw, Mom!
MOTHER. Randy—now!
(Action onstage freezes.)
JEAN. My kid brother Randy—
RANDY (as MOTHER begins to dress him). Awwwwww …
(We see RALPHIE in his bedroom holding a magazine.)
JEAN. And there I am with my December issue of The Open
Road For Boys, itchingly, nervously, obsessing over a
three-colored, framed, full-page back cover advertisement
of the greatest gift a boy could ever hunger for—and real-
izing that time was my enemy.

RALPHIE.
GOODBYE NOVEMBER
THANKSGIVING’S GONE
NOW EV’RY HOUSE YOU PASS
HAS A PLASTIC REINDEER ON ITS LAWN

MOTHER (calling to upstairs, snappy). Ralphie! Please!

RALPHIE.
IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS
THAT’S CLEAR TO SEE
AND THERE’S A CERTAIN SOMETHING
THAT I WANT BENEATH MY TREE

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

20 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACT I

MOTHER (calling to offstage). Frank! Start the car, the boys

are almost ready!

RALPHIE (starts downstairs).

THIS YEAR
DON’T WANT ANOTHER PLAID TIE
THIS YEAR
CAN’T LET MY CHANCE PASS BY
AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

MOTHER (fed up). Ralphie!

RALPHIE (eagerly).
THERE’S A GIFT I GOTTA GET
AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS
I KNOW THE CLOCK IS SET
AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS
I’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS
AWAY!
I HAFTA HURRY UP
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS DAY!

(MOTHER helps RALPHIE into his coat.

Outside, sounds of the BUMPUS HOUNDS barking are
heard as THE OLD MAN enters.)
THE OLD MAN. Get away! Get away! Shoo! Shoo!
JEAN. And then there’s my old man—
THE OLD MAN (disgruntled, this is a daily occurrence). Bum-
pus! Call ’em off. Bumpus!
JEAN. My old man and the Bumpus hounds next door.
THE OLD MAN. Get out of here you rotten—no no no!
(The BUMPUS HOUNDS chase THE OLD MAN across
the stage.)
THE OLD MAN (cont’d). Bumpus! Call ’em off!

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

ACT I A Christmas Story, The Musical 21

JEAN. Our neighbors, the Bumpuses, were so low down on

the evolutionary chain they weren’t even included in Dar-
win’s family tree.
THE OLD MAN (firing off a series of grumbled fake-swears).
Consarned gadbits cummerbuts rackin’ frackin’ flick-flock-
in’ sham-shuckin’ mangy mutts!

RALPHIE (cobbling together a plan).

I HAVE A MISSION
I HAVE A PLAN
I KNOW TO GET THAT GIFT
I’VE REALLY GOTTA GET TO MY OLD MAN

THE OLD MAN (entering the house). Stupid hillbillies!

RALPHIE.
AND THEN THERE’S MOTHER
SHE CAN BE TOUGH.
I’LL DROP A COUPLE HINTS
MAYBE THAT’LL BE ENOUGH!

(RALPHIE makes an effort to get MOTHER to notice the

Red Ryder BB gun advertisement.)
MOTHER. The store windows are lit at six o’clock. You
don’t want to miss it, do you, boys?
RANDY (overlapping). Come on, Ralphie—we got to get to
Higbee’s!
JEAN (with nostalgic anticipation). Ah, Higbee’s. The high-wa-
ter mark of the pre-Christmas season was the corner window
at Higbee’s Department Store. The window was now packed
with gifts galore. Including the gift of my constant yearning.
(RANDY, MOTHER and THE OLD MAN exit outside as the
house begins to fly away and the Parkers’ car is revealed.)

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

22 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACT I

RALPHIE.
THIS YEAR
DON’T WANT A BOOK I WON’T READ
THIS YEAR
I KNOW THE THING THAT I NEED
AND I’M—RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

RANDY, MOTHER & THE OLD MAN (a bit frenetic).

TO HIGBEE’S
THAT WINDOW!
WE GOTTA GO!

(THE PARKERS are in the car and drive downtown to Hig-

bee’s Department Store. Trees swirl by.)

THE PARKERS.
NOT A SECOND CAN WE SPARE
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

MOTHER & THE OLD MAN (exasperated).

WE’RE PULLING OUT OUR HAIR
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

THE PARKERS.
WE’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS

MOTHER. RALPHIE & RANDY. THE OLD MAN.

AWAY AWAY
AWAY AWAY
THE PARKERS.
WE HAFTA HURRY UP
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS DAY!

(Music segues to the next song.)

(#2a: “It All Comes Down to Christmas” [Part 2])

(Various children appear, in a dream-like state, filled with
deep yearning.)

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

ACT I A Christmas Story, The Musical 23

KIDS (SOPRANO 2).

THIS YEAR
I WANT A SHINY RED BIKE

KIDS (ALTO).
I WANT A MODEL TOY PLANE

KIDS (SOPRANO 1).

HOW ’BOUT A LIONEL TRAIN!

(Adults appear around them, forming family clusters.)

ENSEMBLE & TOWNSMAN.

THIS YEAR

TOWNSMAN (grouchy).
I WANT
A WIFE WHO CAN COOK

TOWNSWOMEN 1 & 2.
I WANT MY KID TO EARN A’S

TOWNSMEN 1, 2 & 3.
I HOPE THEY GIMME THAT RAISE!

ALL KIDS.
AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

THE PARKERS & ADULT ENSEMBLE.

WE’RE GETTING CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS

ENSEMBLE. KIDS.
WE’RE GETTING CLOSE THERE’S ONLY TWENTY-FOUR
TO CHRISTMAS DAYS

ENSEMBLE.
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

ALL.
TO CHRISTMAS DAY!

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

24 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACT I

(A flurry of activity as parents prepare themselves and

their children for the bitter cold outside. Hats, gloves, and
scarves abound.)

ENSEMBLE.
WE’RE SCRIMPING AND WE’RE SAVING
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

KIDS (a realization).
WE BETTER START BEHAVING
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

ALL.
WE’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS

KIDS ENSEMBLE. TOWNSWOMEN. TOWNSMEN.

AWAY AWAY
THIRTY-FOUR
THOUSAND,
AWAY FORTY-NINE
MINUTES

MEN (TENOR).
ALMOST ALMOST AWAY
CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS

ALL.
CHRISTMAS DAY!
(With determined cheer, they face the storm.)
WE’LL BRAVE THE BITTER WEATHER
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS
AND MAKE IT THROUGH TOGETHER
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

ENSEMBLE.
WE’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR
DAYS AWAY!

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

ACT I A Christmas Story, The Musical 25

ALL.
TIME IS ALMOST UP
AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

SOPRANO 1, TENOR 1 SOPRANO 2, ALTOS RALPHIE & KIDS.

& BARITONE 1. & TENOR 2.
DAY! ALMOST ALMOST
CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS!

NEARLY NEARLY
CHRISTMAS DAY! CHRISTMAS DAY! CHRISTMAS DAY!

(On the button of the number, we find the ENSEMBLE and

THE PARKERS staring out front, looking through Higbee’s
store window, which has materialized in front of them.)

(#2b: “Higbee’s Window”)

(In sudden commotion, all the KIDS and PARENTS exclaim
what they see and what they want in the window.)

KID 1. Look. It’s Raggedy Ann and Andy!

KID 2. Lincoln Logs! That’s what I want!
NANCY’S MOTHER. Nancy, see Mrs. Claus sitting in the
rocking chair?
KID 3. Tinkertoys! Tinkertoys!
KID 4. Mama—Daddy, can I have the red wagon?
KID 4’S FATHER. A Radio Flyer. That’s expensive, son.
KID 4. Well, can I?
KID 4’S MOTHER. You have to ask Santa, dear.

(Sudden exclamation and joy from all as they survey the

window. The music swells in excitement. JEAN appears at
C, wearing Red Ryder’s outfit and carrying the BB gun. The
ENSEMBLE and KIDS freeze.)

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

26 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACT I

RALPHIE (a burst of excitement, he is coming face-to-face

with what, up until now, he has only dreamt about). That’s it!
That’s it!
JEAN (as Red Ryder). Boys, at last you can own …

RALPHIE.
AN OFFICIAL RED RYDER RANGE MODEL CAR-
BINE-ACTION BB GUN

ENSEMBLE & KIDS (as if the gates of heaven have dramat-

ically burst open).
AH!

RALPHIE.
WITH A COMPASS IN THE STOCK
AND THIS THING THAT TELLS TIME

ENSEMBLE & KIDS.

AH!

(#3: “Red Ryder Carbine-Action BB Gun”)

JEAN (as himself). The fever was well upon me. For months,
I had thought about a Red Ryder air rifle. And now, there it
was! The real thing!

RALPHIE (a slow realization).

YOU DON’T NEED A STEED TO BE A COWBOY
NO, YOU’RE NOT A HERO JUST BY
GALLOPING OFF IN THE SUN

WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE A COWBOY

FEARLESS, KEEPIN’ BANDITS TREMBLIN’ ON THE RUN
IS A RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN

(The ENSEMBLE and KIDS fade away as RALPHIE steps

through the window and joins RED RYDER who hands him
a box containing the gun.)

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

ACT I A Christmas Story, The Musical 27

JEAN (as Red Ryder). That’s right, boys! If you want to keep
your homestead free of villains, I give you—OLD BLUE!

RALPHIE. (fantasizing, concocting scenarios in which he

might use the gun).
SEE ME STANDING GUARD UP AT MY WINDOW
I’LL PROTECT THE NEIGHBORHOOD SO
OUTLAWS ARE ALWAYS OUTDONE
AND I’LL BOMBARD THEM FROM THAT WINDOW
SHOW THOSE WEASELS HOW THE
WILD WEST WAS WON!
BANG! BANG!
WITH A RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN
MY TEACHER COULD BE TAKEN BY A PACK OF GOONS
MY CLASS MIGHT BE INVADED BY RACCOONS!
THE KIDS WOULD HURRY DOWN THE HALL
AS TIGERS TRY TO EAT THEM ALL
BUT THEY WOULD BE OK
I’D SWOOP IN AND SAVE THE DAY!
AND THE GIRLS WOULD SIGH AND SAY, “OOOH,
RALPHIE!”
WHEN YOU’RE BIG AND BRAVE LIKE ME
NO BULLY CAN EVER MAKE FUN
MY MOM IS CRYIN’ “COWBOY RALPHIE”
WHILE MY DAD IS YELLIN’
“THAT BOY, HE’S MY SON!”
WITH A RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN

(He gets lost in this dream for just a moment, then is quickly
snapped back to reality.)
BUT IT’S ALMOST NEARLY GETTING CLOSE
COUNTING DOWN, THE CLOCK IS SET
DON’T KNOW HOW, DON’T KNOW WHO
BUT I JUST KNOW I GOTTA GET
A RED RYDER CARBINE—

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

28 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACT I

JEAN.
A RED RYDER CARBINE!

RALPHIE.
STOCK WITH A COMPASS—

JEAN.
WITH A COMPASS IN THE STOCK!

RALPHIE (with triumph).

RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN!

(#3a: “It All Comes Down to Christmas” [Reprise])

(The ENSEMBLE enters hurriedly, finishing their shopping
before bundling up and heading home. RALPHIE’s fantasy
is over, the Red Ryder BB gun is a million miles away.)

ALL.
THE LINES ARE GETTING LONGER
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

TOWNSMEN 1 & 2 (surreptitiously).

OUR DRINKS ARE GETTING STRONGER
’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

RALPHIE (determined desperation).

I’VE GOT ONE SHOT

ALL.
AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS AWAY!
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS DAY!

(As the ENSEMBLE and KIDS exit, the Parker family

house reassembles. We hear barking dogs. MOTHER is in
the kitchen stirring a pot on the stove. THE OLD MAN sits
at the table, flipping through mail.)

© The Dramatic Publishing Company

ACT I A Christmas Story, The Musical 29

SCENE 2
(The Parker family house and a small portion of the outside
yard. The next day.)
MOTHER.
THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO
AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS …
(Calling to upstairs.)
Ralphie! Randy! Breakfast! Get ready for school!
(JEAN blows a puff of snow from his hand, creating a snow-
fall effect.)
MOTHER (cont’d). Goodness gracious. It’s a blizzard al-
ready. And December’s just begun.
JEAN. With only twenty-three days till zero hour, and my
mission already well underway, my father had embarked
on a quest of his own.
THE OLD MAN. Bills … bills … bills. Hey, look—here it
is! (Opens an envelope and withdraws a puzzle page. He
goes to work on it.)
JEAN. The Depression days were the golden age of the cross-
word puzzle. And my old man was hooked. Contest after
contest, my old man labored doggedly. He entered them
all, but this was the farthest he’d ever gotten.
THE OLD MAN (struggling, in frustration). Argh!
MOTHER. What’s wrong, dear?
THE OLD MAN. What is the name of the Lone Ranger’s
nephew’s horse?
MOTHER (nonchalantly). Uh. Victor. His name is Victor.
THE OLD MAN. How did you know that?
MOTHER (in a matter-of-fact manner). Oh, everybody
knows that.

© The Dramatic Publishing Company