People Pleasing!: D.C. Bar Lawyer Assistance Program

D.C.
Bar Lawyer Assistance Program

Presents
People Pleasing!
A Slippery Slope of Good Intentions
Denise J. Perme, LICSW, Manager, LAP

Niki L. Irish, LICSW, Senior Counselor, LAP
D.C. Bar LAP 202-347-3131

Objectives
After attending this presentation you should be
able to answer:
 What is people pleasing?
 Why does this pattern of behavior develop?
 How does it affect law practice?
 How can we begin to change it?
People Pleasing
A pattern of behavior and thinking that focuses
almost exclusively on other people’s feelings and
happiness, often to the neglect of self.
Are you a people pleaser?
 You struggle to say “no.”
 You often suffer at the expense of doing a favor for others.
 You’re excessively altruistic/philanthropic.
 You don’t practice good self-care.
 You find it hard to be assertive and voice your opinions.
 You constantly seek approval and are hyper-vigilant about
perceived rejection from others.
 You’re an emotophobe (you fear negative emotions.)
Are you a people pleaser?
 You act based on what “other people think” of you.
 You always put yourself in other’s shoes, but you rarely show
compassion towards yourself.
 You blindly believe in other people’s “goodness” even if they
are clearly abusive towards you.
 You fear losing control of yourself because you repress so
much anger.
 You have a weak sense of self and poor interpersonal
boundaries.
Case Study: Julie
What is behind this behavior?
 Low self-worth.
 Intense need to please others or make them happy.
 High levels of anxiety when other people are unhappy/angry.
 Fear of conflict with others.
 Intense desire to be liked/loved.
 Fear of rejection. Fear of not being loved.
 Still seeking approval from loved ones and important figures (i.e.
parents, teachers, bosses.)
What causes this behavior?
 Being raised in a home where love and approval was
conditional or inconsistent.
 Being excessively praised or adored by parents, so that as an
adult other approval pales in comparison.
 Creates need to conform to parents’ expectations as a way to hold onto
their unequivocal approval.
 Being raised by demanding, perfectionistic parents whose
love was doled out sparingly or only when you met
expectations.
The Ten Commandments of
People-Pleasing
1. I should always do what others want, expect or need from
me.
2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask
for help or not.
3. I should always listen to everyone’s problems and try my
best to solve them.
4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone’s feelings.
5. I should always put other people first, before me.
Harriet Braiker, Ph.D. The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome
The Ten Commandments of
People-Pleasing
6. I should never say “no” to anyone who needs or requests
something of me.
7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any
negative feelings to others.
9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
10. I should never try to burden others with my own needs or
problems.
The Seven Deadly Shoulds
1. Other people should appreciate and love me because of all the
things I do for them.
2. Other people should always like and approve of me because of
how hard I work to please them.
3. Other people should never reject or criticize me because I
always try to live up to their desires and expectations.
4. Other people should be kind and caring to me in return because
of how well I treat them.
Our People Pleasing minds are like computers with
a virus: our thoughts get infiltrated with shoulds,
musts, oughts and have-to’s.
This distorted thinking sabotages our capacity to

feel satisfied, successful and happy.
The Seven Deadly Shoulds
5. Other people should never hurt me or treat me unfairly
because I am so nice to them.
6. Other people should never leave or abandon me because of
how much I make them need me.
7. Other people should never be angry with me because I would
go to any length to avoid conflict, anger, or confrontation with
them.
The Repercussions of People-
Pleasing (i.e. Why should I change?)
 People-pleasers often feel:  Professional consequences:
 Resentful  Decrease in quality of work
 Frustrated  Avoidance behavior
 Anxious  Missed deadlines
 Overwhelmed  Client complaints
 Depressed  Ethics violations
 Burned Out  Disciplinary consequences
How can a People Pleaser change?
 Begin by raising your self-awareness.
 What am I feeling right now? ”
 Do I want to do this?
 Am I taking care of someone else?
 Work on accepting two new beliefs: “It is impossible to gain

everyone’s approval” and “What is necessary is that I approve of
myself.”
 Start saying “no.” Start small, low stakes. Increase gradually and
practice, practice, practice.
Who is on your tiny card?
(Your name needs to be first)
How can a People Pleaser change?
 Learn to identify and tolerate uncomfortable feelings. They
won’t kill you (even if it feels like they might).
 Fear – that someone won’t approve of me.
 Remember new belief: it is impossible to gain everyone’s approval.
 Sadness – that someone is disappointed or upset
 Sometimes people will be disappointed, but they will be ok and will solve
their problem some other way.
 Feel the feeling, make room for it. Just don’t change course
to get around it.
 Work on setting firmer boundaries.
Services of the Lawyer Assistance Program
 Assessment, evaluation, referral, short term counseling and
support/follow up, monitoring.
 Access to a LAP volunteer who is trained and understands
what a person is experiencing.
 Consultation with firms or other concerned parties about
possible interventions.
 These services are free and confidential to D.C. Bar
members, Judges and Law Students in the District of
Columbia.
Call 202-347-3131.
Sources
Boundaries: When to say yes and how to say no. Dr. Henry Cloud &
Dr. John Townsend. Zondervan, 1992.
The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. Harriet

Braiker, Ph.D. 2001.
“Setting Boundaries at Work”. PENN Behavioral Health Management

Assistance Program, 2008.
“Setting and Maintaining Healthy Personal Boundaries in the

Workplace.” Australian Businesswomen's Network, 2012.

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D.C.

Bar Lawyer Assistance Program

Denise J. Perme, LICSW, Manager, LAP

D.C. Bar LAP 202-347-3131

This distorted thinking sabotages our capacity to

 Work on accepting two new beliefs: “It is impossible to gain

The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. Harriet

“Setting Boundaries at Work”. PENN Behavioral Health Management

“Setting and Maintaining Healthy Personal Boundaries in the

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