Key

 Red = mistake

 Green = fixed

 Yellow = could be better

 Blue = a better option

 Purple = spelling

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they
like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that
will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and
technology. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

Original Rewrite

Opinions regarding the subjects to be Opinions regarding the subjects being

taught in universities are widely divergent. taught in universities are widely divergent.
x While some people believe that students However, while some people believe that
should be given the opportunity to learn students should be given the opportunity to
the subjects of their choice, I side with learn the subjects of their choice, I side with
those who feel that universities should only those who feel that universities should only
concentrate on teaching subjects that will concentrate on teaching subjects that will
be relevant in the future. be relevant in the future.

 This is a great introduction. You have paraphrased well and addressed the
question.

 This is an ongoing process, so use present continuous.

 Opinions regarding the subjects to be taught in universities
 Opinions regarding the subjects being taught in universities
 Improve this further by adding a “however” for contrast at the beginning of your
second sentence.
 Original Rewrite

On the one hand, it could be argued that On the one hand, it could be argued that
students must be given the freedom to students must be given the freedom to
study subjects of their choice for a few study subjects of their choice for a few
reasons. Advocates of this view might argue reasons. Some might argue that it will
that it will possibly create a natural possibly create a natural motivation among
motivation among students to concentrate students to concentrate on their studies. As
on their studies. As students are studying students are studying only the subjects that
only the subjects that interests them, they interest them, they are more likely to do
are more likely to do well and score high well and score high marks in their
marks in their examination. Moreover, examination. Moreover, x research shows
giving students the right to choose their that students tend to feel happy and
subjects is believed to make them more relaxed when interested in what they are
happier. Research, for example, show that learning. Therefore, if students only study
students tend to feel happy and relaxed those subjects, they should feel x happier
when they study only the subjects that and thus achieve better results.
matters to them. If students only studied
the subjects of their interest in universities,
they would feel more happier in their life.
There is a lot of repetition here! See my
comments below.

 Good topic sentence.

 Subject/verb agreement
o the subjects that interests them / the subjects that interest them
o Research, for example, show / Research, for example, shows
o the subjects that matters to them. / the subjects that matter to them.
 Comparatives Remember that when you compare with ANY word that ends in -er, you
must never also use “more” because -er means more!!!
Only use “more” then it is creating the comparison i.e. when your adjective is more than 3
syllables and DOES NOT end in -er!!! This is important!!!
 make them more happier.
 make them happier.
 Distancing. Well done for using distance, but you don’t have to add distancing
before very idea. I think that it is enough to have “One the one hand, it could be
argued” in the topic sentence, and “some people also think” before the 2 idea – that
nd

is enough. More starts to feel unnatural.

 Repetition. You have repeated the same idea THREE times for your 2nd argument.
Remember, for an argument to be extended you need to add to it, not just say the
same thing again!
 a. giving students the right to choose their subjects is believed to make
them more happier.
b. students tend to feel happy and relaxed when they study only the
subjects that matters to them.
c. If students only studied the subjects of their interest in universities,
they would feel more happier in their life.
By rewording your ideas, and using linking words to show relationship between
the research and the result, you have a more cohesive argument:
 Moreover, x research shows that students tend to feel happy and
relaxed when interested in what they are learning. Therefore, if
students only study those subjects, they should feel x happier and
thus achieve better results.

Original Rewrite

On the other hand, I strongly believe that Nevertheless, I strongly believe that
universities should only include those universities should only include those
subjects that would be useful in the future subjects that would be useful in the future
in their curriculum. Firstly, learning only in their curriculum. Firstly, learning only
these subjects would boost the these subjects would boost the
employment opportunities for students, employment opportunities of students,
once they graduate. For instance, todays once they graduate. For instance, today’s
job market highly favours students from x job market highly favours students from a
STEM background, and there are high STEM background, and students who
chances for a student to have better future specialise in these subjects have a greater
if he specialises in subjects from this possibility of a brighter future.
streams. Furthermore, in my opinion, Is this Furthermore, x graduates from scientific
your opinion or is it FACT? graduates from streams are often highly paid compared to
scientific streams are often paid higher people from non-scientific backgrounds. As
salaries compared to people from non- a result, they attain financial stability at a
scientific backgrounds. As a result, they younger age ,helping them to lead a stress-
attain financial stability at a younger age , free life.
and it would help them to lead a stress-free
life.

 You have some great topic specific vocabulary here.

 Good topic sentence.
 You have included a good example that directly relates to your argument.

 Transition marker. “Nevertheless” or “However” are better transition signals here

because you are presenting your opinion: “despite the arguments on the other
side, I BELIEVE….”
 o Nevertheless, I strongly believe that universities should only include those
subjects that would be useful in the future in their curriculum.
 We could do with a relative clause and some more complex language to
communicate this idea more effectively.
o and there are high chances for a student to have better future if he
specialises in subjects from this streams.
o and students who specialise in these subjects have a greater possibility of a
brighter future.
 Compared to You can’t use a comparative adjective with “compared to”, they mean
the same thing. You can change this structure in one of two ways:
o graduates from scientific streams are often paid higher salaries compared to
people from non-scientific backgrounds.
o graduates from scientific streams are often paid higher salaries than people
from non-scientific backgrounds. Straightforward comparative structure..
Higher...than
o graduates from scientific streams are often highly paid non comparative
adjective compared to people from non-scientific backgrounds.
 Mixed tenses. You have mixed a current situation/truth (they attain financial
stability at a younger age) with a hypotetical future (it would help them….). This
causes some confusion for the reader.
o As a result, they attain financial stability at a younger age ,and it would help
them to lead a stress-free life.
o As a result, they attain financial stability at a younger age ,helping them to
lead a stress-free life.
o

Original Rewrite

In conclusion, although studying only In conclusion, although studying subjects of

interesting subjects can help the students interest can help x students to get better
to get better grades, I believe that grades, I believe that concentrating on
concentrating on scientific and scientific and technological subjects helps
technological subjects helps the students to them to build a better future. Therefore, on
build a better future. Therefore, On balance, I strongly believe that priority in
balance, I strongly believe that priority in university curriculums should be given to
university curriculum should be given to relevant subjects in the future.
relevant subjects in the future.

 This is a well written conclusion. Good range of grammar in here. Well done.

😊
 Articles -
o help the students / help x students
 Referencing - Use a pronoun where possible to avoid repetition.
 o helps the students to build / helps them to build.
Band score and comments
Task 7.0/8.0 You have addressed the question fully and have given good
response arguments for both sides. However, the repetition in your
first BP means that the argument is not really fully
extended.

Coherence & 7.0 You have good topic sentences and your essay is well
cohesion organised. You have used transition signals relatively well,
but this could be improved. Referencing could also be used
better to avoid repetition.

Lexical 7.0/8.0 Some great topic specific vocabulary and awareness of

resource collocations. Occasional overuse of some vocabulary.

Grammar 6.0/7.0 There are some good complex sentences, but on some
occasions, you have missed the opportunity to include more
complex structures. There are too many mistakes with
subject/verb agreement, articles and comparatives to get a
clear 7.0 here.

Overall 7.0 This will easily be a 7.5 if you sort out those grammar
band score mistakes. Try to improve referencing and avoid repetition.

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