-PAR

PARTI-
ART
1. Vedic Culture and Varnashrama Dharma.
Varnashrama
Real civilization is not concerned simply with man’s animal needs – eating (ahar,)
sleeping (nidra,) defending out of fear (bhaya) and mating (maithun) but with
enabling man to understand his relationship with God, the Supreme father. The Vedic
literature describes three stages of spiritual development: sambandha-to know our
relationship with the Supreme lord, abhideya- to act accordingly and prayojana, to
attain the purpose for which we establish our relationship. In the scriptures, we
encounter many principles or injunctions, which seem difficult in our modern day
situation. However, it is indeed necessary to understand the spirit behind the Vedic
injunctions and implant it in our lives. Vedic culture is so nice and perfect that we
should make earnest efforts to actually practise these principles in everyday life as
much as possible.
The subject matter presented in this monograph deals with the duties and
responsibilities of a householder, grihsastha, an integral aspect of the esteemed
Varnashram society and Vedic culture.

The sastra describes that there are 400,000 species of human life, which provides a rare
opportunity to get out of the cycle of birth and death and go back to Godhead. The Su-
preme Lord Krishna is the creator of everything. He is the creator of Daivi Varna ashrama
dharma (divine social order) beginning with the intelligent class of men,
technically called brahmanas due to their being situated in the mode of
goodness (satva guna). Next is the administration/martial class, technically called the
kshatriyas due to their being situated in the mode of passion. (rajo guna). The
mercantile class called the vaishyas, are situated in the mixed mode of passion and igno-
rance and the sudras or labour class are situated in the mode of ignorance (tamo guna).

Human society, all over the world can be classified in terms of one’s work and
qualifications and not by birth. Then again there are four orders of life in the spiritual social
system, namely the student life (brahmacari ashrama), the householders’ life (grihastha
ashrama) , the retired life (vanprastha ashrama) and the renunciant’s life (sannyäs ashrama).
It is to be emphasized that for each and every one of the above-mentioned divisions of life,
the aim must be to please the Supreme Personality of Godhead. This is Vedic culture.

Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu instructed Sanatana Goswami that of the 400,000 species of
human life, very few are cultured, i.e. following the principles of Varna ashrama dharma.
Those who are following do not necessarily understand that the purpose is to elevate
oneself gradually to the transcendental platform, to establish one’s relationship
(sambandh) with the Supreme Brahman, Lord Krishna.
1.1 Vedic culture & Grihasthasram
Vedic

Srila Prabhupada has stated that grihasthasram is meant for regulating the human
mind so that it may become peaceful for spiritual advancement. A human being is
endowed with a gross body and a subtle body. To maintain the gross body, there is a
need for accumulating wealth, a house, household items, grains etc. For the prospects
of the subtle body, one needs proper spiritual knowledge and occupation. Grihastha
ashram is a complete package in the Vedic culture. Thus it is accepted that a grihastha
can earn wealth, acquire a household and other facilities. As per the sastra, he is also
allowed limited sense gratification inclusive of sex for raising Krishna conscious and

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responsible children. Unfortunately, in the depraved society of today, the sex element
has been separated from the Vedic package and has been made the focus of married
life. Sexual relationship between a man and a woman outside the sanctity of
marriage is considered the “in thing”.

1.2 The goal of the grihastha ashrama and other ashramas :

n An ashrama is a place where one takes shelter of the Supreme Lord. Therefore,
the goal of all ashramas is to take the shelter of the Lord.

n Grihastha ashrama is “griha stitha ashrama” or in other words, a place where

one has taken shelter of the Lord by staying in a home, living with family mem bers but
keeping Lord Krishna in the centre.

n All the four ashramas are equal in terms of importance that is given to the
principle of taking ashraya or shelter of the Lord.

n Performing devotional service to the Lord Hari is the only purpose of life. There
is no other purpose.

2. Differentiation of the ashramas based on the strength of renunciation and

means of livelihood:

n According to Srila Prabhupada, what differentiates the four ashramas is the

strength of renunciation and means of livelihood. The brahmacaris, the vanaprasthas
and the sanyasis do not possess any money, or at least are not supposed to earn money.
They depend entirely on the grihastha ashrama, which is the only ashrama meant to
earn a livelihood.

n The brahmacari, the vanaprasthas and the sanyäsis are symbols of renunciation
and are meant to set examples to the grihastha ashrama to follow. Because grihastha
ashrama is also an ashrama, grihasthas should endeavour to internally cultivate the
same spirit of renunciation that the other three äshramas have. But the cultivation of
spirit of renunciation must not be external or artificial.

In this context, the practical instruction given to a householder by Sri Caitanya

Mahaprabhu, the Supreme Lord Himself, may be cited.

The Lord said to a devotee, “ Be patient and return home. Don’t be a crazy fellow.
Bye and bye you will be able to cross the ocean of material existence. You should not
be a show bottle devotee and become a false renunciate. For the time being, enjoy the
world in a befitting way but do not get attached to it. Within your heart, you should
keep yourself very faithful but externally, you may act like an ordinary
person. Thus, Lord Krishna will soon be pleased with you and deliver you from the
clutches of Maya”. [ Caitanya Caritamrita Adi 15.26.27 ]

n A householder should take the principle of renunciation very seriously but should

not be a “show bottle renunciate.”

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 2.1. The importance of Grihastha ashrama.

n The importance of the grihastha ashrama is because it gives birth to,

nourishes, sustains and preserves all the four äshramas. By serving other ashramas
and also brahmanas within its own ashrama, the grihastha ashrama flowers,
prospers and becomes nourished in the spiritual culture of Vedic civilization.

nIt is through the grihastha ashrama that the Vedic and spiritual culture is best
manifested to the society.

2.2. Grihamedhi vs Grihastha :

n Simply living in a home with a husband/wife and children does not make one a
grihastha. A grihamedhi is one who lives externally in a grihastha environment but
whose goal of life is sense enjoyment.

n A grihastha lives a God centered life. He knows the ultimate goal of life but is

not able to be completely renounced. A grihastha is aware that the sense

gratification permitted to him will eventually lead to misery and therefore he
sincerely endeavors to overcome his tendency for sense gratification by practicing
Krishna Consciousness.
n If a husband and wife combine together in Krishna consciousness and live to-

gether peacefully, help each other and serve each other that is very nice. However, if
one is attracted to the opposite sex simply for sex enjoyment, then it becomes an
impediment to spiritual progress and the implications of materialistic life will again
resume.
n It is a glorious combination when the husband engages himself and his wife in
devotional service, and the wife is faithful and religious according to the Vedic injunctions.

n The Supreme Lord Krishna compassionately describes how a householder should

act until his natural propensity for sense gratification, for enjoying sense objects is
overcome and he fully attains the characteristics of a pure devotee.
“Having awakened faith in the narrations of My glories, being disgusted with all
material activities, knowing that all sense gratification leads to misery but still being
unable to renounce all sense enjoyments, My devotee remains happy and worships
Me with great faith and conviction. Even though he is sometimes engaged in sense
enjoyment, My devotee knows that all sense gratification leads to miserable result and
he sincerely repents such activities.”

n Within this material world, the sex impulse is so strong that even a sincere
candidate in the loving service of the Lord may sometimes be disturbed by sex
attraction or by lingering sentiments for wife and children. Although attached to
material things he can see clearly that they lead to no good because they simply
give him trouble and disturb his devotional service to the Supreme Lord. Therefore, he
sincerely repents his foolish attachment to many material things and patiently awaits
Lord Krisna’s mercy. [Shrimad Bhagvatam, 11.20.27-28]

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 2.3. The status of Grihastha ashrama and Varna ashrama systems
Varna

Srila Prabhupada has said that it does not matter whether one is a brahmacari, a
grihastha or a sannyasi. He must try to be a confidential servant of Lord Krishna.

n The institution of marriage in the Vedic perspective is not to be condemned. Lord

Brahma, Lord Shiva and Yamaraja, who are described as mahajanas are grihasthas.
Lord Gauranga was an ideal grihastha and later an ideal sannyasi. Many of the
associates of Lord Gauranga also had a married life. Arjuna was a grihastha, a king and
a politician. The Supreme Lord Krishna selected Arjuna for imparting the highest
transcendental knowledge. Srila Vyasadeva was a householder.

n It is our sacred duty to serve the original system so that Krishna Consciousness
can prevail all over the society and usher in happiness for all.

3. Duties and responsibilities in general in grihastha ashrama.

nThe foremost duty of a grihastha is to render service. The grihastha ashrama is

meant to serve all four ashramas besides serving brahmanas within its own ashrama.

n It is described that service in the grihastha ashrama is like crossing over a hill

because there are so many obstacles. The duties and responsibilities can be painful at
times. However, the service should be rendered in a spirit of detachment, sense of duty
with proper understanding for a harmonious living in Krishna Consciousness.

n Grihastha ashrama is an ashrama of sacrifice. A grihastha works for the benefit

of everyone facing all sorts of circumstances.

n Vedic culture is a culture of sharing and giving with the consciousness that
everything in the universe is controlled and owned by the Lord and that one should
accept only those things that necessary for himself, which are set aside as his quota.

n A grihastha’s main duty is to constantly chant the Holy names of the Lord, serve
vaishnavas and the Supreme Lord, with the help of one’s relatives and wealth acquired
through one’s pious life.

4. Debts in Grihastha Ashram :

It is to be remembered that when one is born and lives in the material world, one
becomes the recipient of so many benefits from different sources. Therefore, one is
indebted and all through one’s life, one accumulates more and more debts. [Purport;
Caitanya Caritamrita Madhya 22.141; Lecture on Bhagvad Gita at Los Angeles 681211BG
LA among others.]

n However, Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu has recommended for this age, the most

practical way of discharging one’s debts, that is, to become a sincere devotee of the
Supreme Lord Krishna, perform the sankirtana yajna by chanting the mahamantra
and thus become free from all types of obligations.

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 5. Way of living in Grihastha life :

The scriptures prescribe many regulations ( do’s and don’t’s ) for a grihastha. Since
the focus is on devotional service, the emphasis is clearly on becoming a good devotee
of Lord Krishna.

Important Do’s are;

Do’s

n The following recommendations for making spiritual advancement, are

important because they are practical even in the present age.
n Rising early in the morning and taking a bath.

n Greeting and worshipping the Deities.

n Chanting the prescribed number of rounds attentively and with devotion.

This is a vital aspect of devotional service.

n Worshipping Tulsi Devi.

n Hearing/ reading daily from scriptures like Shrimad Bhägvatam and

Bhagvad-geta
n Offering bhoga and honouring prasadam, vainnavas and brahmanas.

n Performing charity in the mode of goodness.

n Perform sacrifices, the best being the sankirtana yagna. Devotional service

unto the Lord is the most important feature of a grihastha’s life.

In essence, “name ruci, jiva daya and vaishnava seva” Some Don’ts are:

n A grihastha should not do anything that is not related to Lord Krishna and he
should not unnecessarily mingle with materialistic people.
n A grihastha devotee should perform his prescribed duties and not be indifferent

in the name of being “detached.”

n He should not be excessively attached to homely comforts in the company of

wife, children, relatives etc.

6. Grihastha and Deity worship :

Performance of devotional service is a prime function of grihastha. After sravanam,

keertanam,smaranam, padasevanam, comes the process of arcanam,worship of the Deity.
Srila Prabhupada has recommended that initiated devotees follow the principles of Narada
pancaratra, by worshipping the Deity in the temple. Especially for house holder devotees,
who are opulent in material possessions, the path of Deity worship is strongly recommended.
An opulent householder without being miserly can collect luxurious paraphernalia for Deity
worship . A less endowed person can also perform Deity worship at home in a simple but
devotional way. In Krishna consciousness movement there are brahmacaris, grihasthas,
vanprasthas and sannyasis , but the Deity worship in the temple should be performed
especially by the householders.[ Srimad Bhagvatam Purport 7.5.24 ]

n Srila Prabhupada has stated that grihastha devotees are generally engaged in
material acitvities and therefore they should take to Deity worship. Grihastha devotees are
advised to adopt Deity worship according to the suitable arrangements and directions
given by the spiritual master. The special purpose of Deity worship is to keep oneself
always pure and clean. Grihastha devotees should be actual examples of cleanliness.
[ Srimad Bhagvatam Purport 7.5.24 ]

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 n Where should one perform Deity worship? It could be a simple process at home
if one has Deities. However, the presiding Deities at the temple take
precedence over Deity worship at home. If a grihastha lives near a temple, then at-
tending the temple and festivals there should be his focus.

6.1 How to earn one’s livelihood in grihastha ashram: Do’

one’s s and Don’
Do’s t’
Don’t’s:
t’s:

n A grihastha must earn wealth to maintain his family. But he must do it in an

uncomplicated way.

n Simple living and high thinking is the motto of a Krishna conscious grihastha. He
is not an unduly ambitious individual trying to earn more money than necessary, hoard-
ing more goods than necessary.

n In the process of earning his livelihood, a grihastha should not be unfair to oth-

ers, not exploit or cheat others, nor cause cruelty or injustice to others.

n He must not perform sinful activities. He must work honestly according to his

qualifications and his prescribed duties.

n He should not be corrupt in his earning or spending.

The guiding principle is that a grihastha must earn enough money in a straight
forward Krishna Conscious way to keep body and soul together, to serve the
Supreme Lord, to keep his family together, chant together, worship the deities
together and to call devotees home to serve them and feed them Krishna prasad.

n If a devotee desires to earn a large sum of money for Krishna’s service, he should
seek guidance from a senior Vainnava and should be careful not to entangle himself in
dubious and risky ventures, threatening his mental peace and health.

n Grihastha ashram is full of anxieties, such as getting children married,

providing education to one’s children, buying a house, etc., all of which require certain
amount of money. One should not be unduly anxious about household
affairs. While doing one’s duty as a parent a grihastha devotee is aware that his chil-
dren have their own karmic destiny and free will. One should simply try to
execute one’s responsibilities surrendering to Krishna with full faith in Him. The real
meaning of the word ashraya, implicit in grihastha ashram, is to fully depend on the
Supreme Lord in all of one’s activities taking His shelter.
Bhakti Vinoda Thakura has sung, “ chant the holy name of Krishna without offense.
Krishna is our mother, Krishna is our father and Krishna is the treasure of our life.”

n A grihastha should see his family members as Krishna’s representatives,

although he should be doing his very best to maintain and protect them. Internally, one
should have the understanding that this is Krishna’s family. Discharging one’s duties in
such a consciousness, ushers in a feeling of trusteeship and inculcates an attitude of
earning one’s livelihood in a pious way.

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 n How does a grihastha practice detachment? Detachment from one’s children,
wife and home does not mean that one should have no feelings for them. They are
natural objects of our affection, but when they are not favorable for our Krishna
consciousness, one should not be attached to them. However, sincere efforts to make
them Krishna conscious should not be given up. The process of Krishna
consciousness is very simple and joyous to perform. Every grihastha should
endeavor to train his family members in Krishna consciousness. In such a
household, where all the members are Krishna conscious, there is no need to
change from family life to renounced life.

7. Giving in charity - A sacred duty in Grihastha ashram:

n Giving in charity and serving guests, make grihastha ashram most auspicious. A

grihastha makes spiritual advancement by giving in charity to the other three ashram
as, which are meant exclusively for making spiritual progress. They are not supposed
to be burdened with the problems of earning a livelihood for food, clothing and
shelter. This is the inherent strength and also the beauty of grihastha ashram. It is a
benediction.

n In the Bhagavad–gita, the Lord says that charity should be given in the right
consciousness (mode of goodness ) to the right person at the right time and place. The
house holders should give donations on a regular basis to the temple, even very little,
if that is all they have. They should cultivate this habit right from the beginning of
their life in Krishna Consciousness . Some devotees think that they will wait until they
make a lot of money. Giving in charity regularly from whatever material wealth the
Lord provides helps us in our Krishna consciousness. According to Srila Prabhupada,
ideally, a householder should give up to 50% of his earnings to Krsna, 25% for family
and 25 % as saving for exigencies.

n Grihasthas should feel a sense of responsibility and should show compassion

for all those who are suffering or are in need.

8. Serving guests/dealings with others :

n A grihastha should try his level best to be correct in his dealings with others. He
should serve a guest according to his capacity and means and try to satisfy the guest in
every possible way. In the Vedic tradition, a guest is a representative of the Supreme
Lord, even if he is not a devotee. (atithi devo bhav.) Atithi in sanskrit means a person
(guest) who comes on any day ( a-tithi ), unannounced. A grihastha is duty-bound to
look after the guest in a very nice Krishna conscious way.

n The wife of a householder is called Dharmapatni. She is expected to assist her

husband in serving their parents, relatives and guests nicely.

8.1 How to offer hospitality? The right consciousness:

n Offering hospitality is not a matter of formality but one of consciousness.

A guest must feel welcome.

n A grihastha should ensure that his guest does not leave his home dissatisfied.
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 Love and warmth is the principal element in hospitality to guests. The process of
serving should not be ritualistic or mechanical. Srimad Bhagvatam [1. 13. 5-7.]
describes how king Yudhisthira and his family welcomed Mahatma Vidura to
Hastinapura after a very long period of absence.
“With great delight they all approached him (Vidura), as if life had returned to their
bodies. They exchanged obeisances and welcomed each other with embraces. Due to
anxieties and long separation, they all cried out of affection. King Yudhisthira then
arranged to offer sitting accommodations and reception. After Vidura ate sumptuously
and took sufficient rest, he was comfortably seated. Then the King began to speak to
him, and all who were present there listened.”
Srila Prabhupada in his purport says : “King Yudhisthra was expert in reception
also, even in the case of his family members. Vidura was well received by all the family
members by exchange of embraces and obeisances. After that, bathing and
arrangements for a sumptuous dinner were made, and then he was given sufficient
rest. After finishing his rest, he was offered a comfortable place to sit, and then the
King began to talk about all happenings, both family and otherwise. That is the proper
way to receive a beloved friend, or even an enemy.
According to Indian moral codes , even an enemy received at home should be so
well received that he will not feel any fearful situation. An enemy is always afraid of his
enemy, but this should not be so when he is received at home by his enemy. This
means that a person, when received at home, should be treated as a relative, so what
to speak of a family member like Vidura, who was a well-wisher for all the members of
the family.”
n Hospitality should be offered with feelings of genuine love and devotion,
considering the guest to be the embodiment of the Supreme Lord. The Lord says in the
Bhagvad Gita, “ if one offers Me with love and devotion, a leaf, a flower, a fruit or
water, I will accept it.”
n So the Supreme Lord accepts service rendered with love and devotion and the

guest, who is a representative of the Lord must also be served with the same
consciousness. Krishna was invited by Duryodhana for a feast but did not go to his
house to have the kingly fare. Instead, the Lord preferred to go to the home of Vidura,
His devotee, and enjoyed the simple meal served by him.

8.2. Serving elders/parents

n If serving an atithi with love and devotion is a Vedic principle, how willing should
a grihastha be to serve his parents and elders in the family with the same conscious-
ness? Elders and parents should be spoken to very sweetly, politely,
courteously and respectfully, even if they are non-devotees.
n Humility is a cardinal principle in Krishna Consciousness and there is no room for

a grihastha to feel superior because he is a devotee and his family members are not!
One should not be harsh, rude or arrogant in one’s behaviour towards elders. At the
same time, one should not compromise with the principles of Krishna consciousness.
Be firm in your Krishna consciousness but sweet and respectful towards your parents
and elders and serve them nicely.
n How to show respect towards one’s elders? Touching the feet of one’s parents is

an important aspect of Vedic culture. Grihasthas should thrive on this culture. Just as a
plant flowers in a certain kind of soil, needs oxygen, light, similarly, the devotional

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creeper of Krishna consciousness needs certain culture and atmosphere. What is this
culture? This culture is Vaishnav culture in which there is respect for all living entities,
what to speak of one’s elders and parents.

8.3 Dealing with other living entities

The following verse appears in the Pancha Tantra:
Ayam nijah paro vyakti gananam laghucetasam
Uädar caritanam tu vasudhaiv kutumbakam
One who is narrow-minded, (laghu cetasam) thinks in terms of this is mine, and I
must use it for myself. But one who is broad-minded (udar caritanam), considers the
whole universe as his family, Krishna’s family. In the Bhagvad- Gita, the Lord says, “ it
should be understood that all species of life are made possible by birth in the material
nature and that I am the seed-giving father.”
n A grihastha should accept all living beings as his own family, not just human
beings in the form of guests and near and dear ones!
n A question may arise as to what we should do when we encounter pests like

rodents, cockroaches, mosquitoes etc. in our dwelling places? We must adopt

methods to keep away these pests, especially by maintaining high standards of
cleanliness.
n A grihastha is naturally kind to all animals, especially the cow, who gives milk

and is therefore a mother to mankind. Obviously, a grihastha who keeps Krishna in the
centre of his life fosters the väsudhaiv kutumbakam culture. This indeed was the
culture, before the advent of nuclear families and TV-Video culture!

8.4. Dealing with servants/subordinates:

It is stated that one should treat one’s servant like one’s own son, keeping in mind
the principle of broad-mindedness. The servant should be as happy in your home as
your son . Give the servant your love, gifts and he will reciprocate with his service.
n A grihastha should have a provision to serve prasäd to the servant before he
himself honours it. Otherwise, there is a possibility that there is not enough food for
the servant. Also the grihastha would know how much prasäd is to be cooked to keep
everybody satisfied!

8.5 Distributing prasad to persons who have not taken to Krishna

consciousness How should grihasthas deal with beggars?

Prasad is Krishna’s mercy and this should be distributed as much as possible to

those who have not taken to Krishna consciousness. People in general may be eating so
many materialistic foodstuffs but one little grain of Mahaprasad connects them to Krishna!
This is how Srila Prabhupada made devotees in the beginning. The devotees who hon-
ored prasadam kept coming back and were purified. If a materialistic person takes even
one grain of prasad, he is assured of human birth because he is connected to Krishna.
Whenever a grihasta / devotee is on the street and a beggar comes asking for something,
he should never be allowed to leave empty handed. If someone approaches a Vaishnava
and asks for something, whatever he is asking for, a Vaishnava gives him Krishna. One
must make it a regulation in one’s life that one should always keep a nice supply of
prasad, maybe even in small packets or something and give to anyone who comes
begging. Factually, when anyone begs, we have a chance to give him Krishna.
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 If a beggar comes to a grihasta and if he does not have prasad then he should be
given some money. One should not go away without giving anything. Even if the
person is not hungry, he is just being a show bottle, how does one know? Give him
some prasad. If you don’t have prasad, give him some paise / rupees. One does not
know what the beggar is going to do with rupees and paise but if he receives prasad,
one knows for certain that he is going to become purified. Not giving prasad and send-
ing a beggar away creates hardness of heart. Distribute prasad and pray that Krishna’s
mercy be upon the receiver. This is a regulation which all devotees / grihastas should
follow. It will increase an individual’s Krishna Consciousness and allow him to be a
real vessel of Krishna’s mercy.
While giving prasad one should not consider oneself to be a big person or a
benefactor but a servant of the beggar. That is a Vaishnava. One should not serve a
beggar by giving him something that he will misuse. Instead, in a humble way, one
should request him to honor prasad. If the beggar says, I do not want prasad, I want
something else, one should just go ahead with one’s activity. The beggar has been
given what he needs, whether he understands it or not.
8.6 Dealings of Grihastha men with women :
In everyday life grihastha men have to deal with women and vice versa. There are
also dealings with brahmacharis and sannyasis. It is very important that the sanctity
of every ashram is preserved nicely. The following guidelines have been found to be
practical by devotees:
a. Consider a woman other than one’s wife, to be one’s mother.
b. It is good to be aware well that grihastha ashram is not a licence to deal freely
with women. Srila Prabhupada would often remark that contact between a man
and a woman is akin to that between fire and butter. Avoid physical contact. This
applies even after marriage !
c. Be respectful and not frivolous.
d. Talking to other women should be need based, preferably in presence of
one’s wife.
e. Take counselling from men counsellors.
f. Services that involve too much interaction with women should be done through
the wife.

8.7 Dealings of Grihastha men with brahmacharis & sannyasis :

n Be friendly but respectful. Give respect to their act of renunciation.

n Not having a feeling of superiority by looking down on them for not being mate-

rially productive people in society.

n The human society needs the service of brahmacharis and sannyasis. Act in a

protective way so that brahmacaris and sannyais can be helped to maintain their vows
of celibacy in this difficult age of Kali Yuga.

8.8. Dealing of Grishastha women with men:

n Talking with men should be need –based and preferably in presence of one’s
husband. Grihasthashram is not a licence to deal freely with men. Avoid physical con-
tact. The rule -fire and butter applies even after marriage.

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 n Take counselling from other women counsellors or if required from men
counsellors in presence of the counsellor’s wife.
n Services that involve too much interaction with brahmacharis, other men should

be done through the husband.

8.9 Dealings of grihastha women with brahmacharis and sannyasis:

n Frivolous behavior and or talk or attempts to attract attention e.g. giggling, laughing
loudly etc., should be avoided and proper dress code according to Vaishnav etiquette
should be observed at all times.
n Married grihastha women should be escorted by their husbands when they
meet sannyasis\bramhacharis. If not, they must be escorted by another lady. This guide-
line is also applicable to unmarried matajis. The dignity and sanctity of the bramhacari
and sannyas ashrams must be preserved for the spiritual well-being of the society.

8.10 Keeping pets:

a. A Vaishnava is naturally kind by disposition. Sivanand Sen, an intimate disciple

of Caitanya Mahaprabhu, allowed a dog to join the party of devotees who traveled
from Bengal to Jagannäth Puri to have the darshan of the Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu.
Lord Gauranga personally fed the dog and sent him back to Godhead. However,for the
sake of cleanliness, it is advised that one not keep pets inside one’s house.

b. In an era just gone by, grihasthas would have cows and oxen and take tender
care of these. Go-palan and Go-raksha are important Vedic principles, which all
grihasthas should cherish and honour.

c. Imbibing the spirit of broad-mindedness and serving all living entities is an

important aspect of Grihastha life. Since Krishna is in the center of grihastha ashram,
the grihastha life is a godly way of living. However, there are other responsibilities.

9. What should be the consciousness of a grihastha devotee about having

no children/begetting a son/daughter:

For a grihastha devotee it does not matter whether he has a son or a daughter or
no children at all. Why is it so?
n Because a devotee understands that the will of the providence is supreme and

one must be satisfied with that.

n A devotee is aware that he is not destined to travel in this material world after his

death. His aspiration is to go back home back to Godhead.

n A devotee does not hanker for a son or a daughter. If they come he is happy and

he or she endeavors to make them Krishna conscious.

A devotee does not depend on his son or daughter

daughter.. He depends totally on Krishna.
any child born in a devotee family is a special gift.

10. What should be the consciousness of a devotee couple, who decides not
to have a child ?

Grihastha ashram means expansion. It is normal to have a child. The couple has to
11
determine for itself why they do not want progeny. Is it because of laziness? Raising
children may mean hard work to earn more money. The wife may not want to go
through the ordeal of child bearing, keeping awake at night. If this is the cause for not
having children, then it is not renunciation .The couple should seek advice from senior
Vaishnavas and give proper orientation to their married life.

11. Duties towards children in Grihastha ashram:

Young children are like sponges. They soak up Krishna consciousness and there is
practically no need to expose them to anything but Krishna consciousness.
Children should be protected from worldly pleasure by cultivating a joyous Krishna
conscious atmosphere in the house so that the children are completely satisfied and
their creative abilities are properly channelised. Unfortunately, in the modern
society, parents have no time for their children. They give them comforts but not
abundant affection and concern, which are needed at all the stages in their life.
Children should be handled with affection and discipline. Canakya’s instructions that
children be given abundant affection till the age of five, disciplined, if necessary, till
they attain the age of ten and a child be treated as a friend once he attains the age of
sixteen, should be used with circumspection.
n Parents should not subject their children to excessive academic pressure. Every

child has God given intelligence and ability. The parents should constantly endeavour
to create the right conditions for a child’s physical, intellectual and spiritual progress.
Parents should try to bring out the best in their children by developing a relationship of
love and trust, respect the feelings of the children and at all times and make sincere
efforts to inculcate good values in life.
n Never humiliate a child in presence of others or make odious comparisons. This

can have adverse psychological influence on the child.

n Parents should not fight or argue in the presence of the child and also not criticise

other devotees. A child has a natural instinct for admiring his\her parents and often a
child regards parents as role models. Therefore ,one should not have arguments in the
first place and most certainly not in the presence of the child.

12. How to sustain and safeguard Krishna Consciousness of devotee children?

n One of the major concerns of devotee parents is to provide a conducive

spiritual environment to facilitate the child’s Krishna consciousness. Every living
being is a child of Krishna and has an independent free will. One cannot force
one’s child to serve Krishna. The best and the most merciful thing one can do is to
be as perfect an example as possible in one’s own life. Then the child will take the
instructions of parents seriously. Parents must preach to their children and do
everything in their power to attract them to Krishna. The children will take your
instructions seriously to the degree that they see their parents seriously
following the principles of Krishna consciousness in your own life.
n If somehow or the other the children become attracted to friends who are devo-

tees, that would be a great benefit to them. One should orient them in this direction
and place them in a proper environment by which they become pure
devotees of the Lord. This is the foremost responsibility of the parents. However, it
must be realized that as a child gets older and reaches his mid-teenage, he may
develop the ability to do what he wants independently. The child who once
accompanied his parents to the temple in a disciplined manner may now not
12
cooperate. If one tries to force the child to be Krishna conscious, he may rebel against
Krishna consciousness and even reject it. It is possible that such a child may visit the
temple with his parents but will internally resent it. So the parents have to use their
intelligence and assess whether by enforcing discipline the child is coming closer to
Krishna or going away from Krishna.

n If the child is really fixed on materialistic association, all that the parents can do is

to explain to the child what is right and what is wrong in a loving way. The parents
through their words and example, can point out to their children what is best for
them and what will be the consequences of their going astray. Parents as a society
should work together to create an environment for Krishna consciousness in such an
attractive, exciting and dynamic manner that the children will be attracted to it. If after
this, the child does go astray, all that the parents can do is to be a good
example, give good instructions and pray for their children. One may also consider
moving the family to a more conducive location.

n It has been found that children raised in Krishna consciousness, who at some
stage in their life go astray to experience first hand what is material life, come back to
Krishna consciousness and become excellent devotees appreciating that Krishna con-
sciousness is a matchless gift.

n If the parents do not give their child proper affection and concern, then the child
will feel an emptiness within his heart rather than fullness, even in the
environment of Krishna consciousness. Therefore, giving care, time and affection to
ones child is one of the most important aspects of raising a child in Krishna
consciousness. However, if the parents do not have time for their own sadhana, do not
have time to attend satsangs and associate with devotees,they will not be able to incul-
cate a high quality Krishna consciousness in their child despite their affection. There-
fore raising children in Krishna consciousness is a matter of an intelligent and mature
balance.

n Srila Prabhupada in his Srimad Bhagavatam purports [1.5.24] has stated that an
irresponsible life of sense enjoyment was unknown to the children of the
followers of the varnasrama system. The boy was even injected with spiritual
acumen before being placed by the father in the womb of the mother. Both the father
and the mother were responsible for the boy’s success in being liberated from the
material bondage.That is the process of successful family planning. It is to beget chil-
dren for complete perfection. Without being self-controlled, without being
disciplined and without being fully obedient, no one can become successful in
following the instructions of the spiritual master, and without doing so, no one is able
to go back to Godhead.

n In one letter [To Bhaktin Toni; Sydney 73-02-18], Srila Prabhupada has compared
the children of one of his disciples to the Deities in the temple. Just as some devotees
have to devote full-time to taking care of the Deities in the temple, some devotees have
to dedicate much time to taking care of their small children; and they are not ordinary
children, they are devotees. Serving, guiding, and training Krishna’s devotees will make
you very dear to Lord Krishna..

13
 12.1 Parents should not allow their children to fail:

Parents should make sure that their child brought up in a Krishna consciousness
environment does not get the label of being a “failure” in his studies or chosen field of
activity. Such a child tends to seek a new identity and success by taking to activities of
the wrong kind. If a child has satisfactorily functioned for five years within his family,
he comes to school confident that he will continue to succeed, he hopes to gain the
love and respect of teachers and classmates through ways similar to those that have
worked with his parents. Parents should instill confidence in their child.

13 Samskaras:

Samskar means “purificatory rite.” To make their child Krishna conscious, the
grihastha couple joyfully imparts the Vedic samskaras, right from his/her birth and
thus help the child to eventually attain the spiritual platform.
It should be realized that spiritual health and hence the well-being of the human
society is greatly affected by the samskaras imparted to the child.

Janmana jayate shudrah samskarat bhavet dvijah.

By birth, everyone is a sudra, but by performance of samskaras one becomes a

brhamana. Mahabharat (Shanti parva) mentions that there are 48 samskaras to be
performed on every human being. Srila Gopal Bhatta Gosvami has considered 10
samskaras to be of prime importance for Gaudiya Vaiñnavas and also described how
to perform them in his book, entitled “Satkriya sar dipika,” regarded by Srila Bhakti
Siddhanta Sarasvati Thakura as the most authoritative book on this subjectg of
Samskaras for Kaliyuga. In this write-up, only Garbhadan samskar will be dealt with.
Garbhadan samskara: Purification of a human being starts even before his birth
and this samskara is called Garbhadan samskar. By the performance of this samskara
, the physical contact between a man and a woman is sanctified. Also intelligent, pious
and God-conscious children are born by the strength of performance of Garbhadan
samskara. This is the most important samskara which Srila Prabhupada has emphasised
in all his purports on the subject. Grihastas should produce children as a sacrifice to
Lord Vishnu. Grihasthas give birth to children to make them Krishna conscious and
liberate them.
n Srila Prabhupada has said that before performing this samskara , the husband

and wife should each chant 50 rounds of Hare Krishna Maha mantra [Letter to Syama,
Los angeles,18th January,1968], and through out the day, engage in various devotional
services, like reading and hearing. This will help purify their consciousness.
n It must be noted that 50 rounds are to be chanted each time the couple unites.

Prabhupad’s explicit instructions are that a couple must individually chant 50 rounds
on the very day of Garbhadana Samskara.
n The contention that we have become devotees though our parents did not chant

should not be used as an excuse for diluting the principles of Garbhadana Samskara.

14. The position of a woman in Varnashrama system:

Varnashrama

A woman in the role of wife occupies a position of pre-eminence in ancient Vedic

tradition. The Vedas place woman on a high pedestal of sublimity as indicated in the
following verse:
14
Yatra nariyastu poojayante ramante tatra devah. “Where woman is worshipped ,
demigods preside there.”

14.1 How is a woman to be treated in Varnashrama system?

The success of grihastha ashram depends on how a woman is treated. What is the
position of a woman? In the Mahabharata Bhismadev instructs Yudhisthir Maharaj on
this very subject. This important subject is also dealt with Manu in his Manu samhita.
Bhismadev states:
n It is very important that every single woman must be given love, adored and

honoured and the shatra says that where women are honoured, even the demigods
are pleased. Bhismadev states:
n A home in which the women- folk are not honoured, all acts become fruitless.

n If the women in a family live in grief, then that family will become extinct, the

house will be destroyed. Such is the power, unleashed when a woman is displeased or
dishonoured.
n Women are deities of prosperity. They are the very embodiment of Laxmi devi.

Dishonouring a woman is like disrespecting Laxmi devi, who will then not cast her
benign glance on such a home.
n The virtue of men depends upon women. Men are dependent on women because

whatever virtues they have is simply because these were inculcated in them by the
women-folk- by the mother, by the sister, by the wife. Hence women are worthy of
love, adoration and respect from all men.
n The Vedic injunction is that all men should look upon all women, except their

wife, as their mother.

n Srila Prabhupada said that within ISKCON, a woman should be addressed as mataji,

which is a term of respect that we show to our own mother. In Vedic society a woman is a
symbol of awe, reverence and worship.
n A woman in grihastha ashram imparts samskaras to the children. Thus good children

are generated, good population ensured, conducive for a God-conscious happy and
prosperous human society. Chaste and pious women can transform the condition of the
society into the mode of goodness, which is a platform for spiritual progress. Otherwise, a
hellish condition would be created in the society.
n It must be concluded that the woman is always an object of worship in the Vedic soci-

ety and not an object of exploitation. Lack of this Vedic perspective is the source of many ills
in the so called “modern” society.

14.2 A woman is always protected:

n One who accepts a wife must be faithful A woman is physically weak and therefore,
prone to be exploited by unscrupulous elements. A woman, by nature, tends to be devoted,
trusting and faithful and likes to follow and therefore, should at all times be under the protec-
tion of a man. According to the Vedic system, no girl should remain unmarried. A woman
must be protected in her childhood by her father, in her youth by her husband, and in her old
age by her son. So according to the Vedic system, there is no independent life for a woman.

n In today’s society, there is an idea of women’s liberation, of the independent woman.

Srila Prabhupada has said that women’s liberation means a woman becomes independent,
is exploited by man, has an illegitimate child, aborts the child and the exploitation continues.

15
 n When a woman is shy, chaste and restrained, she cannot be exploited because she is
under the protection of her men-folk, the father, husband and family. So at all costs, the
chastity and purity of a woman must be protected. This is the sacred
principle of our sastras. In the Bhagvad-Gita, it is stated that with the destruction of the
family tradition, the family becomes involved in irreligion. When irreligion is
prominent in the family, the women of the family become polluted and from the
degradation of womanhood, come unwanted progeny and this leads to hellish conditions
of life. The ancestors of such corrupt families also fall down because the performance of
rites of offering them food and water are entirely stopped.
n It is therefore, necessary for women to be protected for their own happiness and

for the happiness of their family and society.

n When a woman has purity, chastity and shyness, and uses these qualities in the

service of Lord Krishna, she is in a happy situation and earns respect from a man. Srila
Prabhupada said “We give Krishna consciousness both to the woman and man equally
without distinction but to protect them from exploitation by man, we teach them to get
married and settle down.
n Man, whatever he may say externally for his own sense gratification, does not

respect the so-called liberated woman.

14.3 Duties of a husband:

n A natural quality of a real vaishnava is to understand how much his wife is

helping him in his devotional service, protecting him from maya. Then there will be
true appreciation and gratitude.
n If one reads about the lives of great vaishnavas in the scriptures, one does not

find them neglecting, demeaning or casting ill remarks on their wives. Instead one
finds great vaishnavas to be caring and protective husbands while strictly following
the principles of Krishna consciousness .
n According to Vedic wisdom, a good wife is a great asset for material and spiritual

prosperity.
n The bodily relationship between the husband and the wife is secondary. The
primary factor is that both should help one another in the matter of advancement of
Krsna consciousness.
n Marriage between a husband and a wife means that the husband should be
responsible for the wife’s well being and protection in all cases.
n As the husband ,one should see that the wife is trained nicely in Krsna conscious-

ness. If one has a child it is the husband’s responsibility to see that his family has no
longer to come back and take a material body in this world of birth and death.
n Lord Rishabdev instructs his hundred sons that one who cannot deliver his de-

pendents from the cycle of repeated birth and death should never become a Spiritual
Master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worship able demigod.
n Therefore, if one is not able to liberate one’s wife from the cycle of birth and

death, one should not become a husband. So the husband should become qualified
spiritually and must be properly in Krishna consciousness to be able to guide his wife
properly and protect her on the spiritual platform. This is the most important responsi-
bility that a husband has to shoulder.
n Protection also entails providing all facilities to one’s wife, which means that she

should not have the problem of how and where to get the food, clothes, shelter, main-
taining the home and children. The husband must shoulder the burden. The husband
must not neglect his duty and provide food, clothes, house, ornaments and other ne-
16
cessities in reasonable quantity. Srila Prabhupäda explains that providing for the wife
and children may involve hardships on the part of the husband and the wife on her part
can make it comfortable for the husband by not demanding too much.
n Humility, tolerance and understanding are important attributes in performing

duties of a husband.
n The husband should be faithful, devoted and dutiful. Srila Prabhupada explains

that one should try to be a husband like Sri Ramchandra. When Lord Ramchandra
performed the pastime of searching for Sitadevi, it was not that He was lamenting like
an ordinary person. He is the Supreme Personality of Godhead. He could have
generated any number of Sitas from His internal energy. The pastime of Ravana
kidnapping Sita and Ram going in search of Sita sets an example. Srila Prabhupada
states that there are two morals to be learnt from this pastime :

(i) Better not to marry because so many hardships are entailed and
(ii) If one does marry, one must be a dutiful husband like Lord Ram and take all
kind of pains to protect one’s wife, whatever the hardships. One has to undergo, as
Lord Ram is demonstrating, “ek patni vrata”.
A husband should not see his wife as an object of sense gratification, even though
she is his wife. A grihastha should be aware that just as he belongs to Lord Krishna,
similarly, his wife, children, wealth, are all the property of Lord Krishna. The husband
should therefore respect and care for his wife and children as the sacred property of
Krishna entrusted in his care.

n A grihastha may tend to develop pride because he is the one who provides for the
family, he is the one who protects the wife. The husband has this service of providing
for the family but he is not meant to be a dictator or an autocrat. He should not ill-treat
his wife, beat her or be insensitive about her feelings. He must ensure that his wife is
fully satisfied in the house and is happy in every way. The husband should protect his
wife physically, emotionally and spiritually.
n A husband has to be especially kind, considerate and loving when his wife is

pregnant. While he should create conditions for the wife to hear Srimad Bhagvatam
and other scriptures so that the unborn child has the right samskaras, he must extend
his full cooperation.
n A husband should be especially considerate, compassionate and helpful when

his wife gives birth to a child and has to pass through the difficult phase of mother-
hood, which can disturb her physical and mental state and also her devotional service.
A husband should rise to the reasonable expectations of his wife and should do his
very best to help his wife in every possible way.
n Humility, tolerance and understanding are important attributes in performing

duties of a husband.

14.4 Duties of a wife in a grihastha ashram:

From the viewpoint of religious duties, a husband and wife are considered one
entity, one identity in body and mind and they should serve Lord Krishna as one
The woman in a grihastha ashram is called ‘ardhangini’, which means half
being.The
the body of the husband. According to V edic injunctions, the wife is accepted as
Vedic
the better half of the man’s body because she is responsible for discharging half
man’s
the responsibilities of the husband in all religious observances. The husband is
incomplete without the wife. Being one with her husband and being protected and
guided by him, she can be happy. If she tries to be independent, she will be unhappy.

17
 14.5 A wife makes grihastha ashram safe:

Though the husband protects the wife, the latter protects the husband in a very
important way. This is nicely illustrated in the story of King Puranjana described in the
Shrimad Bhagwatam. Srila Prabhupada explains in his purport that the body is like a
fort, the senses are like plunderers and the wife is the commander of the fort. In other
words, when one’s consciousness is attacked by the call of the senses, then the wife,
commander of the fort (durgapati), comes to one’s rescue. She is the protection of the
husband who would otherwise go astray and perform irreligious activities. She
controls her husband not by harsh words, not by challenging him, not by arrogance
but by her affection, her chastity, and her serving spirit. This way, she makes the
grihastha ashram safest among the ashramas.

The wife can advise her husband when he is going on a wrong track. Mandodari, who
was epitome of a chaste wife gave good advice to Ravanna who did not heed her good
advice. Similarly, Dhretrashtra received good counsel from Gandhari. Vali’s wife, Tara,
knew there was danger for Vali when Sugriva challenged him but the arrogant and
proud Vali disregarded his chaste and wise wife’s advice and was killed.

The wife should give good counsel to her husband in a humble and sweet way without
bruising his feelings. If he stubbornly disregards her good advice, then he alone has to
suffer the results of his karma.

14.6 Serving one’s husband: It is very important that a wife should always
one’s
serve the husband faithfully
faithfully,, devotedly and sincerely
sincerely.. We find this counsel in
We
the Ramayana and also Mahabharat.

Anasuya advises Sita: When Lord Ram and Sita were in exile, they visited the
beautiful ashram of Atri muni and his chaste wife Anusuya. During this stay, Ansuya
advised Sita thus:

nagarastho vanastho va shubho va yadivashubhah

yasam strinam priyo bharta tasam loka mahodayah

Worlds that are attended with great prosperity await those women to whom their
husband is dear no matter whether he lives in a city or a forest , whether he is
propitious or adverse. This instruction is at the very root of a successful grihastha life.
Husband’s honor must be wife’s honor, his joy her joy.

Queen Draupadi advises Satyabhama : Queen Draupadi was a chaste wife who
had to serve five husbands. In this context the advice given by Draupadi to Satyabhama,
the wife of Lord Krishna is indeed very instructive.

The Pandava Princess and their wife Draupadi had been exiled from their kingdom
and were now living in the forest. One day, Lord Krishna and His wife Satyabhama
chanced to visit them. Draupadi and Satyabhama had not seen each other for a long
time and after some pleasant conversation, Satyabhama asked, “Draupadi, I know
that you are able to rule your husbands, who are as strong and handsome as the chief
gods but why are they so obedient to you and never upset by you ? Please explain
what you are doing so I may get Krishna to always obey me also.”
18
 Queen Draupadi replied, “The eternal virtue for a woman is based on her concern
for her husband. The husband is the wife’s god or master and her shelter. Truly she has
no other refuge. Why then should she hurt her husband in even the slightest degree?
Whether I am sleeping, eating or ornamenting myself, I never act against the will of my
husbands. Always directed by them, I never speak badly about my mother-in-law.”
Satyabhama asked, “Is that all?”

Draupadi replied, “No, there are also other things – such as the way I act towards
my exalted husbands. For example, I lay aside my vanity, restrain my desire and anger
and always wait on them and their other wives with devotion. I control my jealousy
and with love in my heart and without feeling humiliated with the work I do, I serve my
husbands. I am afraid to say what is wicked or untrue, or to look or sit or walk improp-
erly, or to glance at them in a way that reveals the feelings of my heart. My heart is not
disposed with any other male, be he human, celestial, Gandharva, young, ornamented,
wealthy or handsome. I never bathe, eat or sleep till my husbands and our servants
have. Whenever my husbands return from the field, woods or towns, I immediately
get up and offer them my respects by providing them with water and a seat. I am
always busy serving my husbands and I never desire to be away from them. When my
husbands leave home to visit some relatives, I don’t wear any kind of flowers or scented
paste and I practice austerities. Whatever my husbands don’t drink, eat or enjoy, I also
don’t. I always seek the good of my husbands and always wear ornaments and follow
instructions. Day and night, without the slightest idleness, I always discharge those
obligations of which my mother-in-law informed me, namely, those regarding
relatives, charity, worshipping the gods, offering to the ill etc. With humility and under
accepted regulations, I attend to my modest, truthful, ever virtuous husbands, as if
they were poisonous snakes that could easily be agitated.”

n Bhismadeva says in the Mahabharata that for men many kinds of religious sacri-
fices have been ordained. He has to give in charity, he has to fast. But these things are
not ordained for women. She is ordained to just serve her husband.

n Even if she is not a devotee or the husband is not a devotee, the wife can attain
the heavenly planets just by serving her husband in a chaste way. Imagine the benefits
that will accrue if both husband and wife are devotees, the wife serves the husband
submissively with chastity, humility and sweet words!

n When the wife comes in front of her husband, she should be jolly and cheerful,
clean and well dressed. She should be clever in household management; keeping things
neat and clean and economical in her expenses. On the other hand, the husband should
provide sufficiently. In this arrangement, there will be money saved for rendering
service to Lord Krishna and His devotees.

n Even if the husband is irritable, does some things a little off, she must be under-

standing and take these tendencies in her stride and adapt herself to her husband’s
situation to the best of her ability.

n The wife can draw inspiration from the role models described in the Srimad
Bhagvatam. Devahuti served her husband, Kardama Muni in the forest, sensing and

19
understanding what her husband wanted and what was his mood, what was his
consciousness, and thus as a chaste wife, she was successful in pleasing her husband.
n Srila Prabhupada explains in one purport that for a woman, the first principle of

religion is to serve her husband.

n Both husband and wife must follow their Guru’s instructions and the husband

must follow the Spiritual Master so nicely that he can create the right atmosphere for
Krishna consciousness.

n The wife should not expect her husband to be like Lord Rama if she is not
following the footsteps of Sitä and vice versa.

n Both, husband and wife should try to follow in the footsteps of ideal grihasthas,

serve each other and be happy in Krishna Consciousness.

n Even if the husband is a neophyte devotee, still the wife should serve him.

14.7 Chaste wife has a share in the spiritual advancement of her husband
husband:

n A wife shares the spiritual advancement of her husband, simply by serving him.
Even if she is not a devotee, she gets all the benefits that the husband gets, simply by
serving him. Chastity and service to the husband have such power that the wife
automatically shares in the spiritual advancement and piety of her husband. In this
regard, the example of Devahuti is very instructive. Devahuti was the most beautiful
and virtuous daughter of the great King, Svayambhuva Manu. After the marriage to
Kardama Muni, she stayed in the forest with him, as a mendicant, undergoing so many
hardships. She lost her beauty and her body luster, became frail and thin, but seeing
her chastity and her service attitude, Kardama Muni’s heart softened and he blessed
her. Not only did Devahuti regain her beauty but she also received Lord Krishna’s
grace through her husband. She became spiritually advanced imperceptibly, gradually
but surely.
n However, in spite of the husband being in proper spiritual knowledge, in spite of

the husband having trained his wife very carefully according to religious principles, if
she commits sin and is disobedient, then the husband is not responsible.
n It is described that a chaste wife and her husband go to the same destination. She

gets the same husband in the next birth. The examples are Sutapa and Prishni, Aditi
and Kashyap, Devaki and Vasudev. If the husband is devout, very spiritual, he will at-
tain higher and higher destinations and simply on the strength of her chastity, the wife
will follow. A wife can save her husband who indulges in sinful activities by the power
of her chastity.
n It must be noted that the above discussion is on the platform of dharma, artha,

kama, moksha based on material considerations and religiosity. The chaste wife will
have even more power if she is a devotee of Lord Krishna.
n A man gets power by celibacy (brahmacharya) and woman gets power by
chastity from being faithful to her husband.
n When a man sees chastity, shyness and innocence, he becomes inspired to drop

his own barriers and respect her in return. This encourages the natural tendency on
the part of the male to be protective and chivalrous. Shyness is a gift of nature to the
fair sex. [Srimad Bhagvatam 1.10.16]
20
 15. Key to success in the grihastha ashram:

n The key to success in the grihastha äshram is to keep Lord Krishna in the centre.
Man is like butter and woman is like fire. So it is but natural that when a man and
woman come together, there is an attachment on the bodily platform. If this
attachment is diverted (deflected) towards Lord Krishna, then it can become perfect
grihastha life.
n Married life is not for sex indulgence. The principle of marriage is on the

background of getting good children. The house-holder is allowed to have sex life once
a month, just after the wife’s menstrual period, which prolongs for at least for five
days. So after these five days, one can have sex life provided the grihsastha desires to
get a child. As soon as the wife is pregnant, no more sex life until the child is born and
becomes at least 6 months old. After that one may have sex-life on the same principle.
If one does not want more than one or two children, he should voluntarily stop sex life.
But one should strictly not use any contraceptive method and at the same time
indulge in sex life. That is very much sinful. [ Srila Prabhupada’s letter to Satsvarupdas
68-09-20 San Fransisco]
n There is a saying that “A family that prays together, stays together”. Therefore, a

man and woman should live together only in relation to Krishna, understanding from a
spiritual point of view that this is not my husband or my wife and we are all parts and
parcel of Lord Krishna.
n Externally, we should perform our duties of husband and wife very nicely but our

consciousness, the purpose of our lives should be to help each other to love and serve
Lord Krishna. A family means to come together, chant Hare Krishna, serve the Lord,
hear Srimad Bhagavatam, honour prasadam and be happy. This holds good for any
family – the family of grihasthas, family of devotees or the family of the human species
in the entire Universe.
n Do sankirtan yagna every day, hear and chant about Lord Krishna, distribute

prasadam, serve the devotees, thus keep Krishna in the centre and make our life
perfect.
n If we want a plant to grow, it is not enough just to sow the seed, one requires

proper soil, air and water. Similarly, if we want the creeper of devotional service to
Krishna to grow, it is necessary to provide proper Vedic culture and environment in our
homes, in the temple, in the community. It is then possible to lead a happy Krishna
conscious life and create a Krishna conscious society.

16. Grooming children: Important activities for householders:

The following activities should engage the attention of householders:
Festivals
Festivals: They are very important for householders. Men should try to take time
off from work. Women should dress nicely. Plan these activities ahead of time even
with the whole family doing the planning. Make sure that the children are included
and get great spiritual taste. Festivals done properly leave deep samskaras in children’s
mind, very important in their becoming devotees.
Hearing : The house can be filled with transcendental sound vibrations . Lectures
can be played while cooking, cleaning, bathing etc. Kirtan tapes can always be played.
Children enjoy listening to kirtans.
Rising early : With love and affection children can be trained to rise early. They can
develop quality of determination. If the children get up early then they can be trained
to chant, recite slokas etc.
21
 Using science and technology
technology: We are living in an era of science and technology.
While we can use everything in Krishna’s service, we should be careful that technology
does not distract our Krishna consciousness . Turn off mobile phones during Arotik
and kirtana performed at home /temple. And while honouring prasadam. Use internet
only when needed in work or in Krishna’s service. Avoid T.V. altogether, if not practical,
use it wisely and train children to watch T.V. in a responsible way.
Attachmment to Sadhus
Sadhus: The family should develop deep attachment to Krishna’s
devotees, especially, advanced devotees. This could be accomplished by inviting sadhus
and advanced vaishnavas home for prasad, organizing satsangs etc. Children, while
not forced, should also be encouraged to develop such relationships.
Following V edic culture
Vedic culture: As far as is practical, grihasthas should follow the stan-
dards of Vedic culture. Still having said that, another principle is : “ Somehow or the
other, have a successful householder life.” Even if all the culture is not there, there
should be peace and Krishna consciousness which will please Guru and Krishna.

22
 -P AR
PAR
ARTT II -
n Success in the Grihastha Asrama : Though there are so many guidelines and
role models in the sastra for making the grihastha ashrama successful, why is it that
there are increasing number of failures in marriages even within ISKCON, not to men-
tion marriages of convenience outside ISKCON, for sheer sense gratification? This
question certainly needs to be addressed. It must be admitted that while keeping Krishna
in the centre of one’s lives is an important criterion for success, there are several other
factors, which must be taken into consideration. Unlike marriages in the Vedic times,
the husband has not been trained as a perfect bramhacari. Further, minds of the present
day partners in marriage have already been conditioned to a large extent by the stresses
and strains of modern day education, life style and defects which can only be erased
when one reaches the near perfect stage in Krishna consciousness. For success in
grihastha ashrama, the psychology of the individuals concerned and reasons for a
particular bent of mind are very important.

For grihastha ashram to be successful, it is essential that a proper choice of partners

be made. The guidelines are indicated below:

n Guidelines for selecting one’s partner :

one’s

n He / she should be a devotee of good standing, that is, chanting fixed number of
rounds everyday. Associating with devotees regularly, aspiring to take initiation from a
bonafide spiritual master in ISKCON.
n The woman should be submissive and chaste and the husband to be of good

character.
n Importance should be given to his / her spiritual commitment. Physical appear-

ance (external beauty), education, and money earning capacity are not the most im-
portant criteria.

n Six thumb rules

rules:

The following six thumb rules, not necessarily spiritual in their character, are
useful in leading a happy grihastha life
n Do not nag.

n Do not forcefully try to change the nature of your partner. Be exemplary.

n Do not criticize.

n Give honest appreciation.

n Be attentive to small acts of kindness and be a good listener.

n Be courteous, respectful and honour each other.

In his illuminating purports in Srimad Bhagavatam, Srila Prabhupada helps us to

understand the psychology of men and women.
n Understanding the Male Ego:

Devahuti served her husband in two ways, visrambhena and gauravena. These
are two important processes in serving the husband or the Supreme Personality of
23
Godhead. Visrambhena means “with intimacy,” and gauravena means “with great
reverence.” The husband is a very intimate friend; therefore, the wife must render
service just like an intimate friend, and at the same time she must understand that the
husband is superior in position, and thus she must offer him all respect. A man’s
psychology and woman’s psychology are different. As constituted by bodily frame, a
man always wants to be superior to his wife, and a woman, as bodily constituted, is
naturally inferior to her husband. Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to
post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed. Even if there is
something wrong on the part of the husband, the wife must tolerate it, and then there
will be no misunderstanding between husband and wife. Visrambhena means “with
intimacy,” but it must not be with familiarity, that breeds contempt.
According to the Vedic civilization, a wife cannot call her husband by name. In the
present civilization the wife calls her husband by name, but in Hindu civilization she
does not. Thus the inferiority and superiority complexes are recognized. Damena ca: a
wife has to learn to control herself even if there is a misunderstanding. Sauhrdena
vaca madhuraya means always desiring good for the husband and speaking to him
with sweet words. A person becomes agitated by so many material contacts in the
outside world; therefore, at home, he must be treated by his wife with sweet words.

n General Psychology:

The basic psychology of a man and woman are different. One is not better than, or
inferior to the other; just plain old different - apples and pears, peaches and
bananas.When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then
love has a chance to blossom. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they
will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love
someone.

n Man’s Psychology:
Man’s

n A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.

n To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do

or that he can’t do it on his own. Generally speaking when a woman offers unsolicited
advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may
sound to him.

n Women’s Psychology:
omen’s

n A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her
relationships.
n If a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things

worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about prob-
lems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her hus-
band thinking that he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions
to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.
24
 n Typical Challenges and situations faced by Grihastha couples in Krishna Con-
sciousness and possible solutions:

A grihastha couple has to face several challenges and situations in their every day
lives which make their existence miserable and thus not conducive to Krishna
Consciousness.

A general problem is that every wife thinks that her husband is not giving her time
and every husband thinks “I am doing so much for her, what else can I do?” The
situation arises due to high expectations from each other. The general solution is to
accept one’s partner as he / she is and carry out duties by mutual consultation rather
than dictatorial attitude. Labeling a woman as less intelligent and trying to lord it over
her is the biggest impediment in the grihastha ashram.

The fabric of grihastha ashram becomes stressful, gets weakened, jaded and often
times torn apart due to several but totally avoidable reasons. In the following
discussion, a few typical situations / challenges in grihastha life have been identified
with their possible solutions.

1. Couple married before coming to Krishna Consciousness:

Surendra and Sunita were married for 3-4 years before they came into Krishna
consciousness through the efforts of a family friend , Arjun. They had many problems
after marriage and thought that having a child would help. But this did not happen.
Though they were becoming Krishna conscious gradually, the couple was drifting
apart and their son Ashok getting neglected. Until one day,

Surendra: I was thinking that you would change your ways after you came into
Krishna consciousness . But you have remained the same.
Sunita: How about you? Because we have constant quarrels, our son , Ashok does
not like to stay in the house. For God’s sake, if you have a problem in the office, don’t
take it out on me!
Surendra: I have had enough of you. I want to quit.
Suniti: What will happen to our son? What will happen to me ?
Surendra: Krishna will take care of the situation. ( Sunita in great distress, Surendra
grave and unsure of himself)

Arjun, the family friend who had introduced them to Krishna Consciousness, took
them to a Counselor
Counselor,, whom both respected. The role of a husband and a wife in Krishna
consciousness was explained to them and also how their behavior would adversely
influence Ashok. Both were allowed to express themselves freely in the presence of an
impartial authority . All the differences could be sorted out. They were specifically
advised to sit together
together,, chant together and read Krsna book every day
day.. The family is
happy today!

2. One spouse in Krishna Consciousness before marriage and the other not:

(a) Krishna das (Rohit) and Shilpa have been just married. Krishna das has been
following the process of Krishna consciouness since the last five years and has taken
initiation last year. Shilpa comes from a typical conservative Maharashtrian family and
25
she has had no exposure to ISKCON other then visiting the Juhu temple a couple of
times along with some relatives who had come from Calcutta and wanted to see the
sights of Mumbai. Krishna das, to please his parents has agreed to marry Shilpa rather
than go through the temple marriage board. He was convinced that it is only a matter of
time before which Shilpa also becomes a devotee.
He had explained to Shilpa before marriage about his connection with ISKCON and had
also taken her to Radha Gopinath Mandir in Chowpatty for darshan. She had apparently
not minded and did not object at all. The day after marriage :
Shilpa : Rohit, where are we going for our honey moon? My parents have decided to
give us air tickets to anywhere in the world. Please, let’s go to Paris and then to London.
I have heard that the sights in Italy are worth seeing. Please Rohit, when are we leaving?
Rohit : Honey moon !! What are you talking, Shilpa? Don’t you know that it is all
maya and these places you are talking about are the most sinful places on earth. No! No!
Please don’t ever talk to me about honey moon. Don’t you know that sex should be only
for procreation? I will come back as a die hard Karmi. I will tell you what. We will go to
Mayapur and Vrindavan and take the blessings of Their Lordships Sri Sri Radha Madhav
and Sri Sri Krishna Balaram. What better way then this to begin our married life! When
we enter Grahastha Ashram …..(Rohit preaches to Shilpa for over half an hour on the
do’s and don’t’s within the Grahstha Ashram.)
Shilpa : But Rohit.. everyone goes for a honeymoon immediately after marriage.
What will I tell my parents? They will think I am crazy going to Mayapur and Vrindavan.
Please Rohit try to understand. I have been so much eagerly waiting to go along with you
to all these wonderful places. (And then Shilpa begins to cry loudly)
The situation does not improve immediately; 6 months later….
Telephone bell rings:
Shilpa: Hello, Hi Meena, How is life? What is the latest thing happening? Really!
You’ll are going to Lonavala on 15th August for 3 days! GREAT! I ‘ll be most happy to
join. I’ll ask Rohit and call you back as soon as possible.
Rohit is chanting the Hare Krishna Mahamantra…….
Shilpa: Rohit, do you remember my friend Meena? One who gave me that big photo
frame.
Rohit : Oh! That big disfigured frame of Lord Ganesh!
Shilpa: (Angrily) Yes, the same friend! She along with my other friends is going to
Lonavala for 3 days from 15th August. Meena is very keen that we join them. Since I have
not spent any time with them for a very long time, I am also very keen to go.
Rohit: But I have already made some other plans. There are some special programs
in the temple on those three days, which will be very inspiring.
Shilpa: You always want me to come to the temple and programs. Same people,
same programs and late nights!
Rohit: But these three days are very important for me and you had promised before
marriage that you would take interest in Krishna Consciousness.
Shilpa: I am coming to the temple every Sunday and started chanting also. I am
doing all this just to please you, can’t you do something to please me? Besides, you
never told me about all this before marriage.

When Rohit got married, he should have realized that he has to make certain
compromises in his life. Why get married and make another’ s life miserable. If you are
another’s
fixed in Krsna Consiousness then it is far better to displease one’
one’s s parents and get mar
mar--
ried to devotee who will afterwards please the parents rather than having a daily fight
in one’s hands throughout the life
one’s life.
26
(b) Mohandas was an initiated devotee before he married Malati. Mohandas was ex-
pecting that Malati should take to Krishna consciousness like a fish takes to water. He
never bothered to spend quality time with Malati , nor did he explain the tenets of
Krishna consciousness and Vaishnav etiquette to her. This resulted in daily problems
and unpleasantness.

Mohandas: There you go again! How many times must I tell you that you have to
offer obeisances to a devotee, when you see him? This morning Locandas prabhu met
us on our way to the temple and you just smiled at him!
Malati: I was dressed in a Jhari sari and besides I did not know that I had to offer
obeisances on the road.
Mohandas: What do you know any way? Yesterday, while cleaning the house you
placed the photograph of Sri Sri Radha Gopinath on the floor. You have committed an
offence; there is a limit to the nonsense I have to tolerate from you! I have half a mind
to send you back to your parents.
Malati: (Fearful and in tears)Please do not torture me like this. I really do not know
how to conduct myself.

Patience is the name of the game. Counseling involved educating the husband to
show patience, which in any case is required in one’s spiritual life. The husband real-
one’s
ized his mistake over a period of time and became patient with her and explained to
her the principles and etiquette in Krishna consciousness.

Marry a devotee. If not, show patience and give enough time to one’s partner to
one’s
take to Krishna consciousness. Do not be judgmental.

3. Both devotees before getting married:

(i) Staying with parents:

When the newly married couple is staying with his parents, and they are not interested
in Krsna Consciousness (in fact, they think that has caused more problems), and if the son
is not able to “stand up” to his parents, then the wife really suffers. She finds her
devotional service dwindling, her own sadhana affected, and this brings resentment,
frustration and depression. She feels her husband has ‘cheated’ her in marriage. While the
husband, not wanting to have problems at home, expects his wife to please his parents,
who “have done so much for me”. The wife thus finds herself trapped.
Satya: How was the day today? Have you chanted your rounds?
Sadhana: (virtually in tears) This is the first question you ask me every day on return-
ing from office. I feel like crying. Your mother keeps giving me work as soon as I sit for
chanting my rounds. I finish my cooking the first thing in the morning, so that I can give
you your breakfast prasad and also pack your lunch. As soon as I sit for my chanting your
mother gives me some other assignment.
Satya: Somehow try to please them. Why don’t you do your chanting in the
afternoon?
Sadhana: I have tried that. They want to watch the afternoon serials on the TV and
keep inviting me to see them and are upset when I give an excuse.
Satya : Why don’t you finish all your house work and chant in the evenings?
Sadhana: Your mother goes for evening walks and gossips. She wants me to go with
her! Please! Why don’t you speak up and tell your parents that you want to lead a Krishna
conscious life. Otherwise, I don’t see any solution to my problem.
27
 Satya: I do not want to upset my parents. After all they took care of me all these years,
educated me, I owe everything to them.

Satya has to perform his duty by his parents. But at the same time, if he and his
wife are being obstructed in their Krishna consciousness , Satya should speak to his
parents boldly and explain nicely what the problem is. If the parents persist in
obstructing their pursuit of Krishna consciousness they should , if financially
independent, even consider having a separate establishment, while retaining loving
relationship with their parents.

(ii) Lack of sensitivity:

The husband / wife is insensitive to emotional needs of the partner, that is, he / she
takes partner for granted. Partner does not feel cared for, though he / she may be
performing his / her duties mechanically. For example, providing money in case of
husband / taking care of the house in case of wife but not trying to
understand what will make the partner feel happy and cared for.

(a) A week after their daughter Sita was born, Laxmi and Krsnadas were
completely exhausted. Each night their new-born daughter, Sita, kept waking them up.
Laxmi’ s delivery had been a difficult one and she was taking painkillers. She could
barely walk. After five days of staying home to help her, Krsnadas went back to the
temple. Laxmi seemed to be getting better.

While Krsnadas was away Laxmi ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling Krsnadas at
the temple, she asked one of the brothers of Krsnadas, who was visiting, to purchase
more. Krsnadas’s brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she
spent the whole day in pain, taking care of the new-born.

Krsnadas had no idea that her day had been so awful. When he returned home she
was very upset. Krsnadas misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she
was blaming him.

Laxmi: “I’ve been in pain all day. I ran out of pills. I’ve been stranded in bed and
nobody cared!”
Krsnadas (defensively,): “Why didn’t you call me?”
Laxmi: “I asked your brother, but he forgot! I’ve been waiting for him to return all
day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!

At this point Krsnadas exploded. His fuse was also very short that day. He was
angry that she hadn’t called him. Krsnadas was furious that she was blaming him when
he didn’t even know that she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, Krsnadas
headed for the door. He was tired, irritable, and had heard enough. Both of them had
reached their limits. Then something started to happen that changed Krsnadas’s life.!

Laxmi : “Stop! Please don’t leave. This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I
haven’t slept in days. Please listen to me.” Krsnadas stopped for a moment to listen.
Laxmi: “Krsna Das, you’re a fair weather friend! As soon as I’m sweet, loving Laxmi
you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door.” Then she
paused, and her eyes filled up with tears, her tone shifted.
28
 Laxmi: “Right now I’m in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the
most. Please come over here and hold me. You don’t have to say anything. Please
don’t go.”
Krsnadas walked over and silently held her. She wept in his arms. After a few minutes,

Laxmi: Thank you very much for not leaving. I just needed to feel you holding me.

Krsnadas confesses
confesses: “At that moment I started to realise the real meaning of love- un-
conditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had
been a fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was
unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.
That day for the first time, I didn’t leave her. I stayed and it felt great. I succeeded in giving
to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting
in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support
her when I was shown the way.
How had I missed this ? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would
have instinctively known what Laxmi needed but as a man, I didn’t know that touching,
holding and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to
learn a new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict
so easily.
In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times,
simply because I didn’t know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very
painful and difficult. This incident with Laxmi revealed to me how I could change this pattern.
By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different,
I suddenly began to realise that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this
new awareness of our differences Laxmi and I were able to improve dramatically our com-
munication and enjoy our life together in Krsna consciousness.”

(b) Neela : Prabhu, please do not go to the temple today. Stay back. I am feeling
unwell.

Nilesh : Take rest and come later on for the programme.

Neela : Please stay back today. I don’t think I will be able to come. I am feeling
feverish.
Nilesh : This is how maya tricks. If you aren’t well, don’t come. I am not forcing you.
Why are you stopping me?
Neela : The other day when your friend needed some help, you missed the
programme to spend time with him.
Nilesh : I knew it. You are envious when I do anything for other devotees.
Neela : Please, I didn’t mean that. I meant that why cant you show the same con-
cern for me.
Nilesh : All of you women are the same, you are not satisfied with what you have,
you will always grumble and complain.
Nilesh leaves for the temple.

The husband doesn’

doesn’tt consider the wife to be a devotee, feels it below his dignity to
serve his wife.

(c) Bhakti comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her
feelings about the day.
29
 Bhakti: “There is so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself’.
Deva: “You should quit that service. You don’t have to work so hard. Find some-
thing you like to do.”
Bhakti: says, “But I like my service. They just expect me to change everything at a
moment’s notice.”
Deva
Deva:says, “Don’t listen to them. Just do what you can do’.”
Bhakti says, “I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.”
Deva says, “Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.”
Bhakti says, “Do you know what she is going through? She needs me.”
Deva says, “You worry too much, that’s why you’re so unhappy.”
Bhakti angrily says, “I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?’
Deva says,” I’m listening,”
Bhakti says, “Why do I even bother?”

After this conversation, Bhakti was more frustrated than when she arrived home
seeking intimacy and companionship. Deva was also frustrated and had no idea what
went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem - solving tactics didn’t work.
Without knowing about the needs of women, Deva didn’t understand how
important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things
worse. You see, women never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of
honoring another woman is to listen patiently with empathy. Seeking truly to
understand the other’s feelings.
Deva had no idea that just listening with empathy to Bhakti express her feelings
would bring her tremendous relief and fulfilment. When Deva heard about how much
they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.

When Bhakti now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite
different. They sound like this:
Bhakti says, “There is so much to do. I have no time for me.”
Deva takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, “Humph, sounds like you
had a hard day.”
Bhakti says, “They expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice. I don’t
know what to do.”
Deva pauses and then says, “Hmmmmm.”
Bhakti says, “I even forgot to call my aunt.”
Deva says, with a slightly wrinkled brow, “Oh, no.”
Bhakti says, “She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.” Deva says, “You are
such a loving person.”
Deva gives Bhakti a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She
then says,” I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening.
I feel much better.”

Not only Bhakti but also Deva felt better

better.. He was amazed at how much happier his
wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of.their differ
differ--
ences, Deva learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Bhakti
learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or
criticism.
To summarise, the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1) A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming “Mr.
Fix – It” and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
30
 2) A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by
becoming the home - improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or
criticism.

n When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being ques-
tioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willing-
ness to listen understandably lessens.

n A women under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her

problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.

n Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a
problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

n It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed

because he feels like a failure.

n Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.

n Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

(iii ) Poor communication :

Poor communication between husband and wife is one of the main causes of
disharmony. Husband / wife may act in a particular way with good intention but the
partner resents it because the purpose behind the action has not been communicated
or not communicated well in time. At other times husband / wife may care for the
partner but is not able to communicate feelings.
When the husband/wife marry at a late age eg.35+, their views/attitudes are more
inflexible, due to having lived a long period of adult life alone, thus causing friction.
Their willingness to compromise, change, give in, forgive & forget problems between
them, is much less. Their expectation is more from their partner, and they themselves
are unwilling to adjust. This leads to strong clashes, which makes things even more
difficult to forget. This results in almost no communication between them, thus in-
creasing resentment towards their partner. The fault is usually the other one’s!

Suresh has undergone financial setback in his business but has not communicated
it to his wife Surekha.
Surekha : Can you give me some extra money this month? I need to buy some
curtains for the house.
Suresh : No, the old curtains are good enough.
Surekha : You always say that. You never see the need to buy anything for the
house.
Suresh : You women just think about buying this and that. There is never an end to
your needs.
Surekha : I don’t understand what is your problem. Everytime I ask you for money,
you crib. I don’t know what you do with the money and for whom you are earning. I
would have been better off if I had not given up my job……………….a fight ensues.

31
 If the husband had explained his financial problem to his wife and not argued,
maybe she would have been more understanding and helped him.

(iv) Lack of respect / trust :

Sumitra : Prabhu, I want to go and spend a few days at my mother’s place. The
children have holidays. It will be a nice change for them.
Dinesh : Say that you want a change. The children are quite happy at home. Your
parents are not even devotees. They don’t follow the principles of Krishna Conscious-
ness or chant. What is the need to go there? In fact I doubt whether you follow all the
rules when you go there.
Sumitra : How can you say that!! I am an initiated devotee. I know my responsibili-
ties.
Dinesh : If you really know, you would not go there. You go there because you can
enjoy freely without me to watch over you.
Sumitra : The problem is you have no faith in me.
Dinesh : You have not behaved in a way as to gain my faith……………a fight
ensues.

The husband could have handled the situation differently by telling his wife to
go but asking her to be careful to ensure that her spiritual life is not disturbed and
the children chant their rounds. He could have asked her to be loving to her
parents but not to compromise on the principles of Krishna Consciousness and
preach to her parents by her own example.

(V.a) Husband / wife speaks very rudely to his / her partner in presence of other
(V.a)
devotees/ family members without any consideration for the feelings involved.

Shankar : (Loud) How many times have I told you not to do this. You never seem to
learn.
Uma : Please cool down. You can talk later. There is no need to discuss in front of
others.
Shankar : Don’t tell me what is right and what is wrong. First you change and then
try to change others. The biggest and the only mistake I made in my life is that I
married you.
Uma : Highly embarassed and deeply hurt walks away.

Even if the partner is wrong, there is a way of conveying without embarassing or

hurting the person. Give the benefit of doubt to the partner
partner,, hear him / her patiently
before unleashing your anger .
anger. Respect and trust your partner just as you would like to
be respected and trusted. Remember Lord Caitanya says, “All respect to others (that
includes your spouse) and none for oneself.

(V.b) Husband speaks very rudely to his wife in the presence of his parents
(V.b)
without consideration of her feelings.

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 Aarti and Rajesh have been married for five years. Rajesh’s parents, who are re-
tired stay with them. Rajesh’s mother is quite domineering and Rajesh is very much
attached to her. Rajesh’s father is a meek and mild man completely dominated by his
wife.

One dayday; Rajesh comes home tired and irritated from office quite late in the evening.
Aarti is talking to her friend Priya on the telephone regarding some devotional service.
Rajesh’s parents are also in the hall waiting for their son to come as he is later than
usual. Rajesh enters the flat:

Aarti
Aarti: Priya, Rajesh has just come. I have to attend to him now. I will call you tomor-
row. (she disconnects the phone)

Rajesh
Rajesh: (in an angry voice) I knew you were on the telephone. The whole day I have
been trying to contact you as I had something very urgent to tell you regarding Puneet.
The phone was continuously engaged. I am sure you must have been gossiping with
your friends the whole day. No wonder our telephone bills are sky-high. I can tell you
that for this month’s bill I am going to send it to your dear father. As it is he did not give
any dowry when I married you. At least let him take care of the telephone bill every
month.
Aarti
Aarti: Please, Rajesh. Control yourself. We can talk later separately. There is no
need to discuss this in front of others.
Rajesh
Rajesh: Who are these others that you are talking about? My parents? Why should
they not hear? Remember, I am first their son and only thereafter I am your husband.
Do not ever forget this. Let them also know what sort of a foolish girl I married.
Aarti
Aarti: Rajesh Please, for my sake control yourself.
Rajesh
Rajesh: Will you please shut up and lay the table for dinner.

Ideal situation

One dayday; Rajesh comes home tired and irritated from office quite late in the evening.
Aarti is talking to her friend Priya on the telephone regarding some devotional service.
Rajesh’s parents are also in the hall waiting for their son to come as he is later than
usual. Rajesh enters the flat:
Aarti
Aarti: Priya, Rajesh has just come. . I have to attend to him now. I will call you
tomorrow. (she disconnects the phone). Haribol Rajesh.
Rajesh
Rajesh: (smiling at Aarti) Aarti, there is something that I need to talk to you urgently
about. Can we go to the other room for sometime.
Aarti
Aarti: Sure. Rajesh.

Rajesh then takes Aarti to the other room and firmly explains to her how much
inconvenience it causes to everybody on account of her being continuously on the
phone. Aarti listens attentively and promises Rajesh not to spend so much of time on
the telephone.

(vi ) Only one partner wants a child :

Sindhu : All my relatives and friends keep asking me whether there is any good
news.
Sridhar : Not again!
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 Sindhu : Why do you get irritated when I broach this topic?
Sridhar : Because I am sick and tired of hearing the same thing.
Sindhu : Well, I have to keep telling you till my desire is fulfilled.
Sridhar : Now I know what it is. It is not that others ask, actually you want a child.
Sindhu : Okay. So what is wrong?
Sridhar : What is wrong? I don’t think we are strong enough in Krishna Conscious-
ness to have a child. I don’t want to hear anymore.
Sindhu : What if the desire arises later and it is too late?
Sridhar : It is never too late. Don’t you know Srinivas acharya was born to his father
when he was eighty years. We will wait till Krishna reveals.
Sindhu : We are not pure devotees that Krishna will reveal to us.
Sridhar : Exactly, so then we don’t have a child.
Sindhu
Sindhu: walks out frustrated.

It would be ideal if the partners decide on a policy of begetting children or not

before their marriage. Alternately
Alternately,, the couple should take counseling from senior
Vaishnavas or their spiritual master
master..

(vii) Complacency after marriage:

Triloknathdas visits his good friends, Sudhir and Sunita, who were chanting 16
rounds before their marriage and following the regulative principles. Triloknath das
has not met the couple at the temple for many days. One day….

Triloknathdas: It is 9 a.m. I hope I have not come at a wrong time! Have you
chanted your rounds?
Sudhir and Sunita bothboth: It is wonderful meeting you! As for our rounds ,we finish
them by the time we go to bed. Somehow, getting up early seems so difficult now.
Triloknathdas: But Sudhir prabhu,I remember you were so particular about your
japa, and so were you Sunita mataji. What has happened now?
Sunita: Nothing really, but there are so many things to do.
Triloknathdas: We missed you on Radha asthami day. There was a wonderful spiri-
tual treat for all the devotees.
Sudhir: We could not come because we had to attend a Satyanarayan puja at my
friend’s place.

Marriage has this bewildering potency

potency.. Both the husband and wife were coun-
seled about the real goal of grihastha ashram, which is to help each other to make
progress in Krishna Consciousness.

(viii) Immature understanding of one’s social responsibility:

one’s

(a) The wife wants to go her mother’s place frequently for social reasons. The hus-
band is justifiably irked by her behavior.
Gayatri: I want to go to Pune tomorrow and stay with my parents for 8 days.
Gangadhar: Please don’t go now. You had been there last month and I had great
difficulty to manage cooking bhoga, offering to the Deities and later attending the
office.
Gayatri: You are unreasonable. What if I had gone to Pune last month? The point is

34
that I want to go now. My sister’s friend’,s cousin is getting married. I must go. Why
don’t you eat at the temple? That will solve the problem.

Whereas the husband should understand and accept the natural affection his
wife may have for her parents, the wife should be sensitive to her husband’s needs,
husband’s
convenience and comfort.

(b) Uma: Please don’t forget to come to my parents’ place in the evening after your
office. We have been invited for the 60th appearance day of my father. We will be able to
meet many relatives.
Umesh: I don’t want to come. It is an out and out “karmi” affair.
Uma : If we do not go when we are in town, my parents will misunderstand and feel
bad about it.
Umesh : If you are so anxious you go. Don’t involve me!
Uma : Let us ask our Counselor.

The Counselor advised the couple to attend the function and make Uma’Uma’ss parents
happy
happy.. He also suggested that since Umesh is a good singer of kirtans , he should sing
a few bhajans and use the occasion for preaching.

(ix) Not Understanding one’s role in Marriage:

one’s
Ramesh and Aarti are settled nicely in life. Ramesh is 35 years old and Aarti is 30.
Ramesh is working as a senior manager in a MNC and Aarti is a typical housewife.
They have a 3-year-old son Abhishek. About a year back Aarti met some devotees of
ISKCON through a relative and since then there has been a remarkable transformation
in her life. She took up to the process of Krsna Consciousness like a duck takes to
water. However, Ramesh is still extremely skeptical about the whole process as he is
convinced that all religious organizations are bogus.
One day:
Ramesh : Aarti, I have to leave very early in the morning tomorrow, as I have to
prepare for a Board presentation. Please prepare my breakfast by 6.00 a.m. sharp.
Aarti : But Ramesh, I have to go for Mangala arti tomorrow. Tomorrow is the ap-
pearance day of Bhaktivinoda Thakur.
Ramesh : Who is Bhaktivinoda Thakur ? Is he God ? I don’t care. I need breakfast at
6.00 sharp. How you manage is your responsibility.
Aarti : Ramesh, Please try to understand me. You don’t realize how important this
day is to me. First of all I have to fast until noon. So I don’t need any breakfast. Why
don’t you eat in your canteen ?
Ramesh : What sort of wife are you ? Don’t you have any consideration for me? You
know very well that if I eat in the canteen I immediately get a stomach upset. For you
your temple comes first. Why you got married I do not understand. Don’t you under-
stand the role that a wife has to play (Blah blah….)

Ramesh and Aarti fight until bedtime and the next day morning Aarti gets up at 4.00
am and leaves for the temple. Ramesh gets up, wakes up Abhishek, dresses him up
and drops him at the nearby creche. Abhishek creates a tantrum as he hates going to
the creche. Ramesh botches up his presentation to the Board and his boss fires him.

35
 What a miserable situation! Ramesh will develop such a hatred for Krsna con-
sciousness that it will be a miracle if he ever takes up to the process. Aarti must give
up her fanatical approach to Krsna Consciousness and pay more attention to her hus-
band and son. She needs to be counseled properly that she would be pleasing Srila
Prabhupada if she stays at home and manages her home so wonderfully that Ramesh
will be attracted to the movement spontaneously
spontaneously..

(x) Imperfect understanding of devotional service\ neglecting house-hold duties:

(a) The wife keeps maximum priority for temple services, even at the cost of ne-
glecting her household duties. After marriage, she does not adjust her mind-set and
look at her new role, but considers anything connected DIRECTLY to the temple as
“devotional”, and any other service as “maya”. Thus, her mistaken understanding of
devotional service causes problems with husband, regarding late dinners, dirty house,
neglect of children, etc. The wife feels tired because she physically travels regularly to
the temple.

Srikant: Why don’t you clean the kitchen tomorrow? It has become filthy, we really
cannot offer bhoga cooked in such a dirty kitchen.
Srikala: No way! I have to go to the temple. I have never missed a day going to the
temple. Cleaning the house and making it look beautiful is “maya.” What I am doing is
devotional service, you know!
Srikant: You have been saying this for the last several weeks. Keeping the house
clean is the duty of a housewife.
Srikala : You don’t understand the hardship I go through to go to the temple, be-
cause you are on the material platform!

A grihastha couple can convert their home into a temple by keeping it clean for
Krsna, having a nice alter and offering bhoga cooked in a clean environment and
proper consciousness to the Lord. It is a misconception that devotional service can be
performed only in the temple.

(b) The husband takes on too many services in the temple, and has no time for the
wife/children. The wife feels neglected, and thinks he gets the best of both worlds, and
that her utility is only to maintain the house, feed his belly.

Hemalata: We have to go to Vidita’s school tomorrow because it is parents’day.

Girish: Oh, bother! Why don’t you go with her? You must understand that it is a
mother’s responsibility. You can hire a taxi and go. Here are 250 rupees!
Hemalata: Vidita really feels neglected because you never attend any Parents’ day
meetings. What will Vidita’s class teacher feel?
Girish : It does not matter. I have to meet my counsellees, there is a library commit-
tee meeting and I have to meet some guests in the temple, where is the time for such
“karmi” things?

A husband is not merely a provider of money

money.. He should not neglect his duties as
a grihastha as he is responsible for taking care of the material, emotional and spiritual
needs of the family
family..

36
 (xi) Comparing one’s spouse to other devotees:
one’s

When matajis sometimes tend to compare their husbands, (and vice versa), the
wife (or husband) feels the husband/wife is “not upto the mark”. He/She feels “why
can’t my partner be more like so-and-so, he/she is so considerate( or kind/generous/
handsome/rich,etc.).He/she falls into the “familiarity breeds contempt” pattern, forget-
ting one’s own weaknesses/ inadequacies, and expecting the moon from the partner.
Not getting the perfection in the other one, frustrations boil over, and comparisons
come out in the open. This makes things worse.

Both came to Krsna consciousness together and are good devotees. The wife is a
better preacher, the husband quiet and sober. The wife is embarrassed because her
husband is not a good preacher and is not ‘dynamic.’

Suchitra : Sneha’s husband is an excellent preacher. He gives such beautiful

Bhagvatam classes! I always like to preach. It is my life and soul. Why do you always
keep yourself in the background? You must be dynamic!
Sudhir: By the mercy of Srila Prabhupada, I have got service in the temple library.
I am happy doing just that or any other service that comes to me.

Preaching is not necessarily only through words. Everybody need not be an orator
or have the ability to give Srimad Bhägvatam class. By counseling, the wife was made
to realize that her husband was every bit a preacher because he was following Srila
Prabhupada and preaching by his own exemplary behavior
behavior.. False ego can creep in
any time. Be wary!

(xii) Making the husband feel small:

When the wife sometimes discusses loosely her problems with her husband in the
open, in front of other matajis, the husband is very upset. Often he thinks she may be
doing this deliberately, which may not be correct. But the damage is done by her not
keeping things confidential, and thus running down her husband in public. The
husband’s ego is hurt, thus it takes very long to mend matters. Small problems get
aggravated when word gets around to the husband that others are knowing about a
particular problem which he thought nobody could know.

(a) Gauri and Gaurav are sitting in a fully packed reception hall.

Gauri: (indiscreetly loud) I hope you have put enough amount in the envelope as
present for the bride, at least 500 rupees; she is my best friend, you know!
Gaurav: (embarassed and shifting in his seat) Why do you speak so loud? Besides
this is the end of the month and I do not have sufficient money right now for such a
good present.
Gauri: Why don’t you join a multinational company and earn more?

It is very important that a wife respects the sensitivity of her husband especially in
the public. Gauri perhaps did not mean to insult her husband but the choice of her
words and the location were wrong.

37
 (b) Gaurav meets Gyanesh in the hustle bustle of the temple corrridor.

Gaurav: What did the gynecologist say about the sterility test you underwent the
other day? Has he prescribed any treatment?
Gyanesh: ( Taken aback, quickly changes the subject) Let that be . When did you
return from Patna? How was the weather there?

Later
Later,, Gyanesh confronts his wife and she sheepishly admits that she had spoken
about this problem with Gaurav’
Gaurav’ss wife, though between the two of them they had
vowed to keep it confidential. Humiliating one’
one’ss partner in this manner
manner,, though not
deliberately
deliberately,, can be the beginning of the end of relationship in marriage.

(xiii) Nagging

a ) Sudhir and Suniti get up in the morning, finish their morning duties and sit to
chant. Sudhir is sitting on the bed and chanting his rounds;.
Suniti: You cannot chant on the bed, the very place where we slept.
Sudhir, highly embarassed, shifts to the floor and commences his chanting.
Suniti: But I will sit on the bed and chant as I have a severe back-ache!

b) Suniti
Suniti: I am going to my mother’s house today. I want to cook for you now. How
many chapattis will you eat ?
Sudhir: Since you are cooking only chapattis and sabji, I will have 10 chapattis.
Suniti : My God! How much do you eat!
Sudhir highly embarassed, walks away

Nagging can assume many forms. Nagging can over a period of time create rifts in
married life and should be avoided.

(xiv) Washing dirty linen in public:

Washing

Gauri is talking to some of her friends .

Gauri: Laxmi how is your relationship with your husband?
Laxmi: Oh, it is very nice. He is a wonderful Vaishnava and very strict in his sadhana.
Gauri: My husband, unfortunately, is completely the opposite. He has very poor
sadhana. He chants most of his rounds after 9 p.m. He also asks for sex almost every
day , what to do?
Gauri and Laxmi then get lost in a discussion of no use to either of them.

(xv) Not respecting one’s wife.

one’s

Navin and Taruni are with 10 devotees. Taruni makes some drink for all of them.
Navin (in the presence of everyone). The so -called drink you have made is as bland as
you!You do not even know how to make such a simple thing. What do you know?

Taruni feels completely humiliated when told in this fashion in presence of everybody
She will resent the comment made by Navin, even if it is correct.
Mutual respect is an important factor in married life. It is important to preserve
the dignity of one’s partner
one’s partner..

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 (xvi) Difference of opinion in bringing up one’s child:
one’s

Narayan and Sushila are married for the past fifteen years. Narayan is in anxiety
about his son Ajit deviating from Krishna Consciousness. Sushila is more concerned
about her son’s career.
Narayan: I think Ajit is deviating…
Sushila: Why? What happened?
Narayan: Ajit is still sleeping….What nonsense! When will he chant his rounds?
Sushila : Yesterday, he slept late.
Narayan : That is because you allowed him to go to his friend’s birthday party.
Sushila : Isn’t it natural….. he wants to be with his friends.
Narayan : But such association is not good for his Krishna Consciousness.
Sushila : What is wrong in that? Let him experience on his own. Anyway, his friends
are good in their studies.
Narayan : But he also going to learn wrong things in life. I know what they talk…when
they meet….girl friends
Sushila : What is wrong? Don’t you want him to make a career in life. Let him
experience. He will figure out what is good and what is bad.
Narayan : What career… without good character! He will be miserable. Why don’t
you understand.
Sushila : I want him to be educated, go abroad and settle down nicely. Krishna
Consciousness will naturally follow. Anyway he is still chanting a few rounds.
Narayan : Have you lost your intelligence?
Sushila : How dare you say that? Even I have come from a good cultured family. My
parents trained us well.
Narayan : If you were a good parent, you would have taught him Bhagavad Gita
shlokas, Krishna katha, given him nice Krishna conscious training. Now he has no taste
for Krishna Consciousness.
Sushila : You are also his father. Why did you not do that?
Narayan : I warned you five years back. I don’t have the time. Can’t you see me
working hard just to maintain the family?
Sushila : What can I do? Even I am busy. You told me I should do some service at
the temple.
Narayan : Not at the cost of neglecting the son.
Sushila : Should I give up my service?
Narayan : I warned you five years ago. I had told you that we will send him to
Gopal’s Garden but you seemed to have some reservations. Now you have heard how
the school is doing well. ICSE curriculum.. expert, kind and good teachers who impart
character. They go for yatras, attend festivals, what to speak of Krishna conscious train-
ing. The parents do not have any anxiety about the children and are serving Srila
Prabhupada’s mission without interruption. This is all because of your foolishness and
material attachment.
Sushila : If you knew that I was a fool that I was a fool, then why did you marry me?
Narayan : That is my bad karma.
Sushila : Yes. It is also my bad karma.
As devotees, we need to show genuine concern for our partners and try to seek
solution through compromise and understanding. Our concern may be genuine but

39
the way we express our concern creates conflicts. T olerance and control of speech
Tolerance
is necessary
necessary.. When children are born, they bring their own karma. Material educa-
tion can be imposed but Krishna Consciousness has to come from within. For this
we have to provide a favourable atmosphere for the children to practice Krishna
Consciousness.

(xvii) The husband and the wife blame each other for lack of progress in their
Krishna consciousness:

Srila Prabhupada has stated that we can only improve ourselves - and that is a
gradual process. Certainly life in this world is difficult for everyone and the main
difficulty is becoming Krsna conscious. That is a very personal thing. Your Krsna
consciousness is your own responsibility. You should not blame your difficulties on
your husband/wife. Sure, things could be better if he/she was a better devotee, but you
cannot change him/her. The only person you can really change is yourself, and you
don’t have to do that completely immediately. Take your time; day after day try to make
a little improvement here and there. Each morning think of some difficulty that you are
having, and then think about how to practice overcoming it during the course of the
day. In this way by working on small things, gradually you can see the improvement.
This is much better than becoming frustrated by trying to change everything suddenly
and completely.

Chant
Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare
Hare R ama Hare R ama R ama R ama Hare Hare
And be happy

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