THE WALUIGI MOVIE

Written by

@ashergr

Thank you, spicy j and papa z

im no tputting an anddress here

Or a phone number
INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Waluigi and his wife and his kid are in the kitchen.

WALUIGI
(taking big sip of coffee)
I love you wife.

Waluigi kisses her.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
I love you child.

Waluigi kisses his kid. His wife takes a big sip of coffee.

SARAH
I love you Waluigi and I love you
child.

Waluigi’s kid takes a large sip of her coffee.

KID
I love you Mom. I love you Waluigi.

Waluigi leans back and kicks his feet up on the table.

WALUIGI
I have such a loving family. What a
lucky guy I am.

SARAH
You’re are very lucky.

Waluigi’s kid takes another huge sip of coffee.

WALUIGI
Geez, look at the time.

SARAH
I guess we should get going. Say
goodbye to Waluigi sweetie.

KID
Goodbye to Waluigi.

WALUIGI
You’re going to have a great time
with Mommy today at work. Hey,
maybe if you’re good she’ll take
you up to the observation deck and
you can see the whole city.

SARAH
Yeah, that’s a pretty big “if”!
 2.

WALUIGI/SARAH/KID
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

WALUIGI
Our kid is ok.

Waluigi’s kid takes a third big sip of coffee.

SARAH
Don’t want to miss the train into
the city! We’ll be back around
6:00. 7:00 If Peterman makes me
stay late.

WALUIGI
(shaking head)
Peterman...

KID
I love you Waluigi. I love you Mom.

SARAH
Awww, I love you too kiddo. Bye,
Waluigi, I also love you.

WALUIGI
Don’t forget, I too also love the
both of you.

Sarah takes the kid and exits the house. Waluigi kicks his
feet higher up, from the table to the counter top, and flexes
out a newspaper to read.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
I love my family. I’m so lucky.
Today is going to be a great day. I
can’t wait to see them both later.

SUPERIMPOSE: New York. September 11th, 2001.

CUT TO: BLACK

INT. MARIO PARTY - DAY

It’s Mario Party.

YOSHI
I’m down to get fucked up.

BULLET BILL
Me too.
 3.

BIRDO
I’m definitely gonna get fucked up.

TOAD
I’m going to take it easy at first,
but later when more people get here
I’ll be really fucked up.

YOSHI
That’s a good idea.

BIRDO
Smart.

BULLET BILL
I’m getting fucked up with or
without you.

SHY GUY
Your combative attitude towards
partying makes me uncomfortable.
I’m going to smoke weed.

Shy Guy smokes weed.

BULLET BILL
I love to drink until I black out.

YOSHI
He does.

BIRDO
It’s cool how much he can drink.
Sometimes he pisses himself though.

BULLET BILL
It’s a small tax for the feeling of
invincibility I get from alcohol.

TOAD
A small tax indeed.

YOSHI
I peed myself once, but never to
the extent of Bullet Bill.

BIRDO
It’s ok to pee yourself once.

Shy Guy smokes weed.

TOAD
Actually I think i’m getting fucked
up right now.
 4.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

Waluigi walks through the Scary Alley.

SHADOWY FEMALE FIGURE

Hello, Waluigi.

There’s a shadowy female figure there too.

Walugi walks towards it.

SHADOW FEMALE FIGURE

(alluring)
Hello. Hello, Waluigi.

As Waluigi draws closer the shadow’s voice becomes distorted.

Her pitch lowers and words collide into each other.

SHADOW FEMALE FIGURE (CONT’D)

Heello Waalugii. HelLLOW aaluigi.
hhEEllOWAAAlllui gggiii.

Waluigi reaches out to the figure’s hand, but the smallest

amount of pressure causes her arm to contort terribly.
*CRUNCH* Bones beget bones as her form breaks down.

WALUIGI
Fuck.

SHADOWY FEMALE FIGURE

HELL-

INT. CAR - NIGHT

WARIO
You were dreaming.

WALUIGI
Yeah? I thought so.

WARIO
Did you nut?

WALUIGI
No I didn’t nut.

WARIO
Good.

Wario is in the car too. He’s in the driver’s seat.

 5.

WARIO (CONT’D)
Wet dreams feel good, but the
cleanup often outweighs the
pleasure.

WALUIGI
I agree.

WARIO
Do you think anyone has even fallen
asleep with a condom on and then
had a wet dream? That would be
amazing. The ecstasy of the wet
dream paired with none of the
hassle.

WALUGI
Yes, that would be amazing, but I
doubt it has ever happened.

WARIO
Yes.

Silence.

WALUIGI
Ok.

Waluigi gets out of the parked car.

EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUOUS

Waluigi crosses the street to another parked car. He taps the

driver’s side window.

INT. OTHER CAR - CONTINUOUS

The guy in the car cracks the window.

GUY IN THE CAR

Hi-

EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUOUS

Waluigi produces a Serbian issued Zastava CZ 99 semi-

automatic pistol and shoots the man 6 times in the chest.

He reaches through the broken window and unlocks the door.

Waluigi opens the door and pulls the body out.
 6.

He combs the man’s pockets to find a wallet. He opens the

wallet and fans through it - finding it COMPLETELY EMPTY.

WALUIGI
Again.

The guy from the car coughs blood up.

GUY FROM THE CAR

Done by my mark. Chara. I didn’t
think it would end like this.

WALUIGI
I’ve found in this line of work
that we rarely predict our own
deaths, but I’ve become quite good
at predicting the deaths of others.

WARIO
This guy needs a doctor.

Waluigi presses the CZ into the guy’s mouth. The barrel slips
under his tongue and presses it back into his own throat.

GUY FROM THE CAR

(blood pouring out over
his gums)
Uuait.

The CZ makes his head pop. A fist-sized exit wound appears in

the back of his neck followed by chunks of his spine.

WARIO
Yoooooooooooooooo.

INT. MARIO PARTY - DAY

YOSHI
I need another beer. Does anyone
else need one.

BULLET BILL
I need one.

BIRDO
(shaking can)
I still have some left in this one,
but I’ll take one.

TOAD
I just got one, I’m good.

Shy Guy smokes weed.

 7.

YOSHI
I’m on my fourth beer and I’m
starting to feel it.

BULLET BILL
You get drunk off four beers?

YOSHI
I don’t get drunk, but that’s when
I begin to feel the effects of the
alcohol.

BIRDO
He gets tipsy after 4.

YOSHI
I don’t like the word “tipsy,” but
yes I suppose I do.

TOAD
I agree. Usually in the 3-4 mark is
when I feel it.

BULLET BILL
I’m not drinking until I’ve had
six.

BIRDO
You drink every day and have
developed a higher tolerance.

TOAD
It takes more beer to get him where
he wants to be.

YOSHI
“Tipsy” seems to have the
connotation of clumsiness that I
don’t feel I embody after four
beers. I could drive after four
beers. I wouldn’t, but I could.

BULLET BILL
I once drank 17 beers while
watching NFL divisional playoffs.

SHY GUY
From a distance your tolerance
seems impressive, but alcoholism is
damaging your body and brain.

BULLET BILL
I don’t care. Load me up a beer
before I go psycho.
 8.

TOAD
PLease do not go psycho.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

WARIO
You blew that guys head off.

WALUIGI
Check this out.

Waluigi tosses the wallet to his friend Wario.

WARIO
No ID? Again?

WALUIGI
Ex-Mossad. No fingerprints. Israeli
ghosts.

WARIO
(spitting)
MOtherfuckers.

WALUIGI
We need to strap up. Our guns are
weak and shitty. We got lucky this
time.

FLASHBACK - OUTSIDE CAR

Waluigi shoots the guy six times in the chest.

BACK TO PRESENT

WARIO
We got lucky.

WALUIGI
Call Yoshi, I’m going to buy an
assault rifle.

WARIO
Yoshi has the best guns.

WALUIGI
He does. They’re expensive, but
he’s trustworthy and the guns are
being purchased illegally so the
markup makes sense.
 9.

WARIO
I’m calling him right now.

WALUIGI
Great.

INT. MARIO PARTY - DAY

BULLET BILL
Shy Guy, let me hit some of that
weed.

SHY GUY
Be my guest.

BULLET BILL
I’m getting cross faded.

BIRDO
Getting cross faded is great, but
sometimes you get the spins.

BULLET BILL
I never get the spins.

TOAD
I’ve gotten the spins a lot, it
sucks.

BIRDO
Definitely.

YOSHI
I gotta go.

Yoshi leaves.

BULLET BILL
Hit this.

TOAD
For sure.

BIRDO
What is this, kush?

SHY GUY
Yes.

TOAD
As a child I smoked reggie and
mids, but now I mostly smoke kush.
 10.

BULLET BILL
The kush is hittin.

BIRDO
Gelato is good too.

SHY GUY
Of course.

BIRDO
You rolled this spliff tight.

SHY GUY
I used the credit card method.

BULLET BILL
I’ll never respect someone who
rolls with a card.

SHY GUY
It’s the only way I know how.

BIRDO
It’s a stiff spliff, heavy on the
tobacco.

SHY GUY
My ratio was improper.

TOAD
I’m getting a crazy head rush.

BULLET BILL
I’m gonna get so fucked up a doctor
will have to help me.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

Yoshi opens two briefcases. There are guns in them.

WALUIGI
Thank you for meeting us Yoshi.

WARIO
Thank you Yoshi.

YOSHI
You’re a great customer, I’m happy
to help.

WALUIGI
We’re looking for power and
accuracy. But mostly power.
 11.

WARIO
Guns scare me.

YOSHI
Sig Sauer P210. Legend target. 9mm.
Wood grain. Very rare.

WALUIGI
Good weight.

YOSHI
Absolutely utilitarian. Can crack a
cornea from 10 yards.

WARIO
Terrifying.

WALUIGI
What if we want to make a
statement?

YOSHI
Remington Spartan. 220f. Sawed off.
Rippin rat shot.

WALUIGI
Power?

YOSHI
Lethal. Bring the barrel back for
distance, but this will wipe a
room.

WALUIGI
Keep em coming.

YOSHI
This is the battle rifle from Halo
2. Three round burst. 36 in the
mag. 2x scope. Snap a head down the
hallway or the next building over.

WARIO
Wow.

WALUIGI
I feel like a fucking god holding
all this firepower. Give us these
guns.

YOSHI
Ok.
 12.

WALUIGI
We need to pick your brain on this
too.

Waluigi tosses Yoshi the wallet.

YOSHI
Empty?

WALUIGI
Another ghost tracking us.

YOSHI
Did he engage?

WALUIGI
I did.

WARIO
Waluigi shot him in the fucking
face.

WALUIGI
What do you know about Israeli
involvement in the Mushroom
Kingdom.

YOSHI
Not much. I don’t deal in IMI
goods. Guns don’t run like they
used too. If you want to pursue
this you should follow another
vice. Ecstasy is the key. It flows
like water from Yisrael into
Europe.

Wario nods.

YOSHI (CONT’D)
He won’t be easy to find, but Luigi
might be able to shed some light on
this.

Yoshi tosses the wallet back to Waluigi.

YOSHI (CONT’D)
I have a party to get back to. Good
luck.

WALUIGI
Have you been drinking?
 13.

YOSHI
Four beers in.

WARIO
Word. That’s when I start to feel
it.

WALUIGI
Did you drive here?

YOSHI
You can drive on four beers.

WARIO
Risky.

Yoshi
It was a poor decision.

WALUIGI
We need to go.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

WARIO
Can we trust him?

WALUIGI
He just sold us a bunch of guns.

WARIO
And a tall tale about Israel and
Luigi.

WALUIGI
Yoshi may drink and drive, but I
don’t believe he would mislead us.
Either way, we have nothing else to
go on.

WARIO
Where can we find Luigi?

WALUIGI
The gutter.

Waluigi opens the trunk and tosses the empty wallet onto a
pile of HUNDREDS OF OTHER EMPTY WALLETS.
 14.

INT. MARIO ARTY - DAY

YOSHI
What’s up.

Yoshi is back.

BIRDO
Not much.

TOAD
I’m coolin.

SHY GUY
We tried to play beer pong but
there was a rule discrepancy.

BIRDO
If you make 2 cups in a row and
then on your third turn hit a cup
in conjunction with your partner,
you get to shoot on rollbacks and
then when you miss you continue
shooting for your on fire shots.

BULLET BILL
Rollbacks and on fire don’t stack.

TOAD
Of course they do.

YOSHI
Why wouldn’t they.

BIRDO
He also said that the game was
still active even though we sunk
two balls in last cup.

BULLET BILL
Redemption shot.

BIRDO
You don’t get redemption if you get
doubled on.

BULLET BILL
You always get redemption.

TOAD
Your grasp on beer pong rules is
elementary at best.
 15.

YOSHI
I need a drink.

BIRDO
Were you driving?

YOSHI
No.

TOAD
Beer is in the fridge.

YOSHI
Past beer, I’m switching to liq.

BULLET BILL
There’s vodka, but no mixer.

YOSHI
There’s orange juice.

BIRDO
The orange juice will mix well with
the vodka.

BULLET BILL
I forgot about the oj, I’m drunk.

Shy Guy smokes weed.

TOAD
Are any hos coming through.

INT. CAR - DAY

Wario is driving and his seat is insanely low. LIke he’s got
it reclined all the way back. It’s crazy, but he’s doing it.

WARIO
No one has seen Luigi since ‘02.

WALUIGI
His influence can be seen in his
vise-grip on low income
neighborhoods. Every pill and piece
of pussy that gets sold on this
sidewalk, Luigi gets a cut.

Waluigi spits on the floor of the car.

WARIO
So we start at the bottom? Step on
necks and see who talks?
 16.

WALUIGI
Luigi is too well protected. He’s
in constant motion, shuttled from
safe house to safe house. To the
pushers and pimps he employs he’s a
ghost. We need someone closer to
him.

WARIO
Or someone who used to be close to
him.

Waluigi’s eyes widen.

WALUIGI
The alley.

Wario floors it and drives through a red light into a CVS.

INT. MARIO PARTY - DAY

BULLET BILL
Roll another one.

SHY GUY
I’m too faded.

BIRDO
I’ll grind if someone else rolls, I
can’t roll right now.

BULLET BILL
Pathetic.

YOSHI
We’re out of weed. We smoked back
all of that kush.

BULLET BILL
Text someone. Let’s re up.

Samus comes in.

SAMUS
What’s good.

Samus daps up Toad.

TOAD
Chillin.

BULLET BILL
Are you holding?
 17.

SAMUS
Nah.

SHY GUY
I’m so faded.

BULLET BILL
If we all throw like 10 we can cop
a q.

BIRDO
Do you have cash?

BULLET BILL
I can venmo.

YOSHI
I can also venmo someone.

SHY GUY
I’m fadeo.

SAMUS
Let me get a beer?

BULLET BILL
One second I’m trying to work this
out.

TOAD
I have venmo if we’re doing this.

BULLET BILL
Who has cash?

YOSHI
Ok I have cash.

BIRDO
Text Lakitu he has that Ewok.

BULLET BILL
I’m texting him right now.

SAMUS
Anyone want to shotgun?

TOAD
I’ve never smoked Ewok.

YOSHI
It’s strong. He sells 8ths for 40
and qs for 70.
 18.

BULLET BILL
We’re boys, he’ll do us the q for
60.

BIRDO
I can’t shotgun a beer right now.

TOAD
I wish weed was legal here.

SAMUS
I’m gonna solo this one.

Samus shotguns a beer.

YOSHI
Legal weed would be great, but for
now we pay inflated prices.

SHY GUY
I need water.

BULLET BILL
He’ll be here in 40.

SAMUS
Need a beer?

BULLET BILL
Run it.

SAMUS
Anyone else?

TOAD
Yeah.

BIRDO
I’ll take one.

YOSHI
I gotta piss.

Shy Guy smokes res.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY

WARIO
I won’t pay for bowling shoes, it’s
a scam. You can bowl in regular
shoes.
 19.

WALUIGI
We’re not here to bowl, but I
understand what you mean.

WARIO
I always tell the guy that I
brought my own shoes and they’re in
my bag. But I never bring my own
bowling shoes. I don’t even own
bowling shoes. I just bowl in my
regular shoes and people have never
said anything to me.

WALUIGI
Not now.

WARIO
Sometimes I don’t even have a bag
with me when I say, “they’re in my
bag.”

WALUIGI
Watch my back.

Waluigi approaches the counter.

CASHIER
It’s $5.50 a game. Plus $3 for shoe
rental.

WALUIGI
I’d like 3 games, shoes, and please
put me on the most private lane
possible.

CASHIER
No problem, are you the only
player?

WALUIGI
No, someone will be joining me.

CASHIER
Right away.

Waluigi hands over a large wad of cash and the cashier gives
him a key. Waluigi heads to a door in the back of the alley.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY HANDICAPPED BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS

Waluigi sits on the toilet, sprawled, but alert.

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK on the door.

 20.

A condom slides under the stall.

FEMALE VOICE
Put it on baby.

WALUIGI
No.

FEMALE VOICE
Jesus Christ. Listen, pal. Put it
on or this is not happening. No
refunds.

Waluigi pushes the stall door open with his foot.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

WALUIGI
Long time, Daisy.

DAISY
Waluigi...

WALUIGI
It’s me Waluigi.

Daisy opens a pack and grabs a cigarette.

DAISY
I’m guessing you’re not here to
fuck, are you.

WALUIGI
I always want to fuck, but there
are more pressing matters now. I’m
looking for someone.

DAISY
(lighting cig)
Who?

WALUIGI
(beat)
I’m looking for Luigi.

Daisy’s hands tremble. She drops the cigarette.

DAISY
I’m done.

Daisy tries to open the door, but Waluigi pins it closed.

 21.

WALUIGI
Where is he?

DAISY
I don’t know.

WALUIGI
Tell me where he is.

DAISY
I don’t know! Nobody has seen Luigi
in years!

Waluigi takes out the fuckin gun.

WALUIGI
Don’t you ever look at me and think
you can lie. I’ll touch your brain
with a bullet and leave you in the
street with your pussy out.
(cocks gun)
Where is he.

DAISY
Do I look like I’m lying?

WALUIGI
You look like a six dollar fuck.
Where. Is. He.

DAISY
I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS. NO ONE
HAS- I DON’T KNOW WHERE. I DON’T
KNOW.

WALUIGI
STOP PROTECTING HIM.

DAISY
I’M NOT PROTECTING HIM. I DON’T
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM. LUIGI IS A
GHOST. IF YOU SEE HIM YOU’RE
ALREADY DEAD.

WARIO
I think she’s telling the truth.

Waluigi uses his brain to think.

WALUIGI
Where would he take you?

DAISY
What?
 22.

WALUIGI
When you were together. Where would
he take you?

DAISY
Nowhere.

WALUIGI
He must have taken you somewhere.

Daisy thinks.

DAISY
He never took me anywhere.

WALUIGI
Where did he take you?

DAISY
He did not take me anywhere.

WALUIGI
Where is the secret place he took
you?

DAISY
Nowhere.

WALUIGI
Where was a place that he did bring
you to?

DAISY
He did not.

WALUIGI
He must have taken you somewhere.

Daisy thinks.

DAISY
No.

WALUIGI
Luigi took you to a place. NOw
where was that?

DAISY
...

WALUIGI
I’m trying to find Luigi. Where are
his secret places?
 23.

DAISY
He never took me anywhere.

WALUIGI
A hidden area he might have taken
you to?

DAISY
Lavalava Island.

WARIO
I tihnkn we should go to Lavalava
Island to look for Luigi-

WALUIGI
Shut up. I just got an idea where
Luigi might be.

INT. MARIO PARTY - DAY

SAMUS
Check this out.

Samus drinks a beer.

YOSHI
Word.

SHY GUY
I’m so f ucked up I can’t see.

BULLET BILL
You’re a light weight.

BIRDO
He has been drinking a lot.

TOAD
He’s fucked up but he’s
embellishing his inebriation.

SAMUS
Let’s run 2k.

BULLET BILL
Shotty.

YOSHI
Twos?

BIRDO
There’s only three controllers.
 24.

BULLET BILL
Fucked up.

YOSHI
Winners then.

SAMUS
I’m not as good on ps.

BULLET BILL
It’s the same game.

TOAD
Different controllers.

SAMUS
I’m used to xbox.

BULLET BILL
Game hasn’t even started and you’re
making excuses.

BIRDO
I have winners after Yoshi.

TOAD
It’s weird to play with one
controller a lot and then switch.

SAMUS
I got Rockets.

BULLET BILL
What.

YOSHI
Lmao.

BIRDO
It’s three randoms and you pick
from them.

TOAD
And if you don’t like any of your
three you can whammy for a fourth
team, but then you have to play
them.

SAMUS
I can’t just pick the Rockets?

BULLET BILL
No you can’t just pick the Rockets.
 25.

BIRDO
It’s more balanced to do randoms.

TOAD
Shows prowess over a wider spread
of teams.

SHY GUY
A master painter makes art with any
brush.

YOSHI
James Harden is cheese.

SAMUS
Bullshit but whatever.

BIRDO
The music in 2k11 was best.

BULLET BILL
2k13 was good.

YOSHI
It had Mercy. Meek. Shook Ones.

BIRDO
2k11 had Drake - Over.

SHY GUY
It also had a song by Ron Artest.
Before he changed his name.

YOSHI
It did.

SAMUS
Let’s get it.

BULLET BILL
Need beers for this.

TOAD
So no hos are coming through.

EXT. BOAT DECK - NIGHT

Waluigi stands at the bow. Waves peacefully rock the vessel.

The hypnotizing motion lulls Waluigi into a trance. He stares
off the edge, straight down, into the abyss.
 26.

FEMALE VOICE
(whisper)
WWwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

He stares deeper and deeper into the waves. He presses his

chest into the guardrail as his heels leave the ground.

FEMALE VOICE (CONT’D)

(whisper)
WWwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy.

Shadowy hands begin to surface amongst the waves. Tens, but

soon hundreds. They paw at the boat, slowing it.

FEMALE VOICE (CONT’D)

WHHH-

WARIO
Waluigi?

Waluigi snaps back.

WALUIGI
Yeah.

WARIO
I need to bust. Haven’t busted in a
while. Been holding it in.

WALUGI
Ok.

WARIO
It usually keeps me sharp when I
abstain, but I believe there’s a
certain time frame where it no
longer sharpens and begins to dull
you. You need to get it out.

WALUIGI
I understand.

WARIO
I’ll be back.

Wario leaves.

Waluigi turns his palms up and looks back to the sea. The
waves continue to rock back and forth. He flexes his fingers
in and out, checking his reality.

Suddenly, pressure.
 27.

FOREIGN VOICE
(o.s.)
Lamut.

A gun is pressed to the nape of Waluigi’s neck.

Waluigi spins and falls...

...the gun fires..

...the bullet connects.

With his back against the wall Waluigi grabs for his own
weapon and dumps the clip...

...bullets rip into the attacker’s chest...

...he drops...

...his lifeless body meets Waluigi on the ground.

WARIO
Woah. Did you kill him?

WALUIGI
Yes.

WARIO
Sorry I was busting.

Wario checks the body and finds two wallets. Empty.

WARIO (CONT’D)
They taunt us now.

WALUIGI
I think I’m fucking paralyzed.

INT. MARIO PARTY - NIGHT

BULLET BILL
Just gonna do that huh.

SAMUS
Dame is having a game.

BULLET BILL
You play like a bitch.

TOAD
Samus abuses momentum dribbles.
 28.

BIRDO
It’s a lame move but it works.

YOSHI
No honor in this.

SAMUS
Lots of wins though.

SHY GUY
Let me get a beer.

BULLET BILL
Oh shit my phone’s buzzing.

SAMUS
You’re gonna leave in the third?

BULLET BILL
Fuck you, Lakitu is here.

SAMUS
Someone else pick up his
controller.

YOSHI
It’s time to smoke.

BIRDO
The game is over.

BULLET BILL
Be right back.

Bullet Bill leaves.

TOAD
You were abusing game mechanics.

SAMUS
You’re a casual and can’t
understand what high level play
looks like. Would you say Halo’s
BXR is abuse or a Phoon bhop?

BIRDO
That’s a good point.

TOAD
I don’t know what those are.

SAMUS
Never mind.
 29.

TOAD
I play games to have fun.

SAMUS
So do I, but my fun comes from
winning.

TOAD
You take this too seriously.

SAMUS
Too seriously always seems to be
just more seriously than the loser.

SHY GUY
Shut the fuck up I’m trying to
think.

YOSHI
You smoked too much.

BIRDO
He’s buggin out.

Bullet Bill comes in and unfurls a bag of sticky weed.

YOSHI
Word.

BIRDO
Let’s get it.

SAMUS
I got papes.

BULLET BILL
I’m rolling a backwood.

SHY GUY
Oh man.

TOAD
You should take it easy.

BULLET BILL
Let him smoke.

BIRDO
There’s a six pack at his feet.

YOSHI
He’s been steady sipping.
 30.

SAMUS
This backwood will kill him.

BULLET BILL
If he dies, he dies.

YOSHI
What movie that from?

TOAD
A Rocky movie.

BIRDO
It’s from Rocky IV.

YOSHI
I haven’t seen it.

BULLET BILL
I haven’t seen it either.

BIRDO
I also haven’t seen it.

SHY GUY
I want to smoke that ewok weed.

EXT. LAVALAVA ISLAND DOCK - DAY

WALUIGI
I’m feeling better.

WARIO
Good.

WALUIGI
Not paralyzed.

WARIO
I was worried.

WALUIGI
Yeah.

WARIO
You said you were.

WALUIGI
Luigi sells ecstasy to the Israelis
who in turn supply Europe. We must
find him to learn who is hiring ex-
Mossad to shoot at me.
 31.

WARIO
Yes.

WALUIGI
If Luigi is based on the island he
will have ears everywhere. We make
enough noise, he will find us.

WARIO
Yes.

WALUIGI
I want to hurt someone.

EXT. OUTDOOR BEACH BAR - DAY

WARIO
This beer is good.

WALUIGI
What beer is it.

WARIO
I don’t really know beer so I asked
for something with a lime in it.

WALUIGI
I like when they put a lime in the
beer. It makes it taste better.

WARIO
It does.

WALUIGI
A nice treat.

WARIO
I buy beer for the home frequently,
but I rarely have the foresight to
purchase limes as well.

WALUIGI
Ok.

Waluigi walks to the bar and stretches his arms upwards.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
(like a fuckin idiot)
What’s the most you’ve ever lost on
a coin toss.

BARTENDER
What.
 32.

Waluigi lowers his stretch and grabs the bartender’s head

with both hands. He interlocks his fingers at the back of his
skull...

...and pulls his head face first into the bar.

His head bounces off the counter top...

...Waluigi now grabs a chunk of his hair...

...and continues to bounce his head off the bar...

...aiming directly for empty glasses.

BARTENDER (CONT’D)
Ple-

Blood and teeth drizzle the counter top and floor.

Waluigi delivers one final smash and lets the weight of the
body carry itself off the counter and to the floor.

WALUIGI
Whoops.

Waluigi takes out a gun.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Don’t forget your tip.

Waluigi leans over the bar and lets loose 8 rounds into the
bartenders back...

...he lets the magazine fall and reloads...

...another 8 rounds into his back.

GUY ALSO AT THE BAR

This guys acting crazy.

WARIO
Why did you do that.

WALUIGI
He had an L tattoo on his left
hand. He worked for Luigi.

WARIO
I don’t see an L tattoo on his
hand.
 33.

WALUIGI
It’s not important what tattoo he
had. Luigi’s goons will be here
soon.

Luigi’s goons are not here soon.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Hmmmmm.

INT. MARIO PARTY - NIGHT

BIRDO
Some days I don’t know.

TOAD
I fear too much.

BIRDO
I go days without hearing my own
voice.

TOAD
I choke.

BIRDO
My tongue is coated with ash.

TOAD
I breathe.

BIRDO
Loss.

TOAD
I choke.

BIRDO
I am the Lord of Loss.

TOAD
I’m crashing.

SHY GUY
The backwood is starting to boat.

EXT. LAVALAVA ISLAND - DUSK

WALUIGI
I don’t see Luigi anywhere.
 34.

WARIO
It’s a big island.

WALUIGI
I’m losing my patience.

WARIO
Maybe we should climb a tree.

WALUIGI
Let’s hurt someone else.

Waluigi draws his gun and aims at the beach crowd...

...but Wario stays his hand.

WARIO
Luigi controls the ecstasy here,
correct?

WALUIGI
He produces MDMA in large
quantities.

WARIO
Let’s find the drugs and then
follow the supply ladder all the
way up.

WALUIGI
To who?

WARIO
To Luigi.

WALUIGI
We are trying to find Luigi.

WARIO
Yea.

WALUIGI
Ok good idea.

WARIO
Thank you.

Waluigi shoots into a crowd of people.

 35.

INT. CLUB - NIGHT

WARIO
This DJ is crushing the crowd right
now.

WALUIGI
Amazing song selection.

WARIO
Great transitions.

WALUIGI
A mix of crowd favorites and
obscure singles.

WARIO
He’s the house DJ I think.

WALUIGI
A master of his craft.

WARIO
He was playing Carmack earlier.

WALUIGI
Let’s find ecstasy pills.

Wario weaves through the crowd before finding a guy grinding

da shit out of his teeth. He’s chopping wood. Hitting a bean
dance. Jaw would get a speeding ticket. Absolutely geeked up.
Wind up monkey doll. His pupils are dilated.

WARIO
HEY.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
I HAVE A QUESTION.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
I’M LOOKING FOR ECSTASY PILLS.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
MDMA.
 36.

E-HEAD
THE MUSIC.

WARIO
WHERE CAN I GET PILLS.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR PILLS?

E-HEAD
YEAH.

E-Head grinds his teeth more.

E-HEAD (CONT’D)
(nodding)
OK.

WARIO
I HAVE A QUESTION.

E-HEAD
YEAH.

WARIO
I WANT TO BUY PILLS TOO. WHERE
COULD I DO THAT?

E-HEAD
OH.

WARIO
WHERE CAN I FIND WHO SOLD YOU THE
PILLS YOU TOOK ALREADY.

The E-Head thinks.

E-HEAD
THIS GUY OPENED AT HARD SUMMER. I
COULDN’T GO.

WARIO
WHO DID YOU GET YOUR PILLS FROM?

E-HEAD
I COULDN’T GO.

WARIO
WHAT?
 37.

E-HEAD
YEAH.

WARIO
I WANT TO FIND PILLS SIMILAR TO THE
ONES YOU TOOK TO GET LIKE THIS.
WHERE CAN I DO THAT.

E-HEAD
ONE.

WARIO
WHAT?

E-HEAD
Yeah.

WARIO
WHERE’D YOU GET THOSE PILLS.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
WHERE’D YOU GET THOSE PILLS.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
WHERE’D YOU GET THOSE PILLS.

E-HEAD
WHAT?

WARIO
WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE PILLS.

E-HEAD
MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM.

INT. CLUB BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

E-HEAD
Ok let’s blow each other.

WARIO
What?

E-Head starts to take off his shoes and put them in the sink.
 38.

E-HEAD
I don’t like getting blown with my
shoes on.

WARIO
I’m not blowing you.

E-HEAD
It feels better to have bare feet
if I’m getting suck.

WARIO
I want to buy E.

E-HEAD
Oh.

WARIO
The music was loud in there.

E-HEAD
Yeah.
(a beat)
Can I blow you?

Wario thinks.

WARIO
Yea.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CLUB - NIGHT

WARIO
There’s a man named Fitz who
supplies ecstasy to regular dancers
in the club. He is wearing white
pants. Usually the clientele is a
small circle of friends, but
someone is having a birthday so
there was an additional customer
base he was not prepared for. The
club won’t close for two hours and
he already sold out. He should be
leaving the club to re-up before
the night is over. We can tail him
to his supplier.

WALUIGI
How did you find this out.
 39.

FLASHBACK - CLUB BATHROOM

Wario is getting an absolute toe curler of a suckjob.

WARIO
WHO SELL E.

E-HEAD
(mouth full of dick)
Auh eye uamed Itz.

BACK TO PRESENT

WARIO
I followed clues.

WALUIGI
Cool.

WARIO
Yeah.

Fitz walks out of the club.

WARIO (CONT’D)
That’s Fitz.

Wario and Waluigi cooly follow this guy for a while its a
good scene.

Fitz is getting drugs from the supplier.

WAIRO
That’s the supplier.

WALUIGI
Ok.

Waluigi walks up to Fitz and the Supplier.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Hey.

FITZ
What.

SUPPLIER
W-

Waluigi is sshooting again.

Fitz is killed from bullets.

 40.

SUPPLIER (CONT’D)
AHHHHHHHHHH.

WALUIGI
Where Luigi.

SUPPLIER
I-

Waluigi starts shooting into the Supplier’s right knee. He

lets 8 shots go directly into the kneecap.

SUPPLIER (CONT’D)
AHHGGHAHIAIAHAGHAHAHHAAHGHA!!!!

Waluigi reloads and continues to shoot into the same spot.

The exit wounds begin to blow out the entire back of his
knee. He repeats the process, effectively amputating his leg.

SUPPLIER (CONT’D)
AISHJODAAHSHAHHAHHAHAHAEEEHHEHEHEL!
!

WALUIGI
Where’s Luigi?

SUPPLIER
MYMMYMYMMMMEMMMMMEY
LEEELEGGEGGEGGGGG.AHHHEHHHEHEHIIH!

As Waluigi prepares to reload for the third time the gore of

the Supplier’s open wound begins to pulsate in and out.

SUPPLIER (CONT’D)
(muffled)
AEEHEHFHHEHHEHHHHEHEHHEH.

The Supplier’s screams become muted, as if they were coming

from a room over. Waluigi starts to zone out.

Purple shadowy children’s hands begin to emerge out of the

Supplier’s leg stump.

SUPPLIER (CONT’D)
(muffled)
OJEEEJEJEJJHHEHEHHHE.

The tiny hands paw at the earth, exploring the new world.

FEMALE VOICE
(v.o. / muffled)
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
 41.

More of the arms reach out of the wound. Full forearms

followed by biceps. The leg is in bloom.

SUPPLIER
(most muffled)
AEHEHE-

The Supplier is shot in the head.

The hands disappear.

Black.

INT. MARIO PARTY - NIGHT

BULLET BILL
Before I was just chillin but now
I’m drunk for real.

BIRDO
I’m gone.

TOAD
Absolutely cocked.

SAMUS
I came late, but I caught up and
now I’m bombed too.

YOSHI
I drove earlier and it’s crazy how
fucked I am right now.

Shy Guy rolls up a cannon.

BIRDO
Another one?

BULLET BILL
Make it a spliff.

SHY GUY
It’s a spliff.

TOAD
I’ll die if I hit that ewok again.

SAMUS
Running low on brews.
 42.

YOSHI
There’s a 30 on the ground behind
the counter. You can put them in
the fridge.

SAMUS
Word.

TOAD
The ewok is crazy. I don’t usually
smoke indica.

BIRDO
Heady sativas are nice.

BULLET BILL
I’ll smoke back anything to get me
fucked up.

YOSHI
I can’t tell the difference.

SAMUS
Beer?

SHY GUY
Yeah.

BULLET BILL
I’ll smoke crack bitch.

TOAD
You should be more careful about
what you put in your body.

BULLET BILL
I can’t help myself. I’m an addict.

SAMUS
He just likes to party. He is not
an addict.

YOSHI
Addicts don’t have jobs, he can’t
be an addict.

BIRDO
You’re not a doctor.

BULLET BILL
I can’t sleep unless I’m fucked up.

TOAD
Perhaps he is straddling the line.
 43.

BIRDO
A tight rope walk with disastrous
consequences.

SAMUS
Does anyone want to play chell.

BULLET BILL
I need to maintain.

Bullet Bill starts to cut up coke.

YOSHI
Where did you get coke?

BULLET BILL
I got a g from Lakitu.

SHY GUY
I would play chell.

BULLET BILL
(while doing a major line)
I’m boutta have a yak attack. I
feel like Kyle Korver.

Bullet Bill does two more lines.

BULLET BILL (CONT’D)

I’m hitting three from deep.

TOAD
He’s maintaining.

SHY GUY
I don’t really know the players,
but the game is a lot of fun. The
Wild have cool jerseys.

BIRDO
You need to examine your substance
intake.

TOAD
The physical toll on your body must
be monumental, but still minimal
compared to the mental strain of
extreme highs and lows.

BULLET BILL
If I’m not high I can’t feel.
 44.

SHY GUY
Can you guys shut the fuck up we’re
trying to play xbox.

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

WALUIGI
Where are we.

WARIO
We’ve been captured.

WALUIGI
Fuck.

WARIO
It wasn’t cops. I know because they
weren’t wearing police uniforms and
they knocked you out with a
baseball bat.

WALUIGI
My memory is foggy.

WARIO
One of them got off probably around
three clean strikes to your head
before turning on me.

WALUIGI
Very foggy.

WARIO
Maybe four.

Waluigi examines the stone walls of his prison. His fingers

trace the imperfections of the rock.

CLOSE ON: AN “L” MONOGRAMMED INTO THE STONE SURFACE.

WALUIGI
Weejo.

WARIO
What.

WALUIGI
I didn’t say anything.

WARIO
You said weejo.
 45.

WALUIGI
Luigi has imprisoned us. We gotta
escape.

WARIO
But how. They got us in jail. We’re
fucked it’s over for us.

Waluigi escapes jail.

WARIO (CONT’D)
That was a sick move.

WALUIGI
We gotta find this guy been at this
for a minute now.

INT. LAIR TUNNELS - NIGHT

WARIO
This feels too easy. Are we running
into a trap?

WALUIGI
I don’t give a fuck. I want to die.

WARIO
Got it.

The pair venture deeper and deeper into the lair...

...and come across empty prisons similar to their own.

WARIO (CONT’D)
Waluigi.

WALUIGI
What.

The empty cells are shortly followed by filled ones.

Girls are imprisoned. Two to three to a cell.

The cages reflect like a hall of mirrors. Endless.

WARIO
THese girls look young.

WALUIGI
Wealth and seclusion will develop a
terrible taste.
 46.

WARIO
We have to do something.

WALUIGI
We can’t.

WARIO
Have we lost our souls.

WALUIGI
Luigi won’t parlay with us if we
free his prisoners. We need
information on Israel.

WARIO
I feel sick.

WALUIGI
This is war.

WARIO
War is wrong.

WALUIGI
I need a solider.

WARIO
You’ve made me one.

WALUIGI
I haven’t made you anything you
didn’t want to be.

WARIO
I’m scared I’ve lost my voice. I’m
scared I can no longer hear my own
thoughts, only yours.

WALUIGI
What’s that smell.

WARIO
What?

WALUIGI
We’re close.

The tunnel opens into a larger room. Through windows dozens

of white coats are seen working with chemicals. The workers
are vacuum distilling sassafras oil to isolate safrole. Then
they are using a Wacker oxidation with benzoquinone,
methanol, palladium chloride, and water. The safrole is added
and then after 8 hours of gentle heat and stirring the solids
are filtered and the PMK ketone is extracted.
 47.

Next the workers reductively animate it by mixing in

methylamine freebase. A hydride is then used to reduce to the
final product.

WARIO
Holy shit.

INT. LUIGI’S LAB - CONTINUOUS

WARIO
Why aren’t they stopping us.

WALUIGI
They have a job to do just like us.
Luigi has been watching us since we
escaped, he knows we’re coming.

Waluigi approaches a final steel double door with no windows.

He places his palms on both doors and pushes.

Slowly, the door opens.

INT. MARIO PARTY - NIGHT

SAMUS
Chell is bullshit.

SHY GUY
You let up too many goals in the
third.

SAMUS
I hate shooting down for two
periods it’s shit.

BIRDO
It’s part of the game.

TOAD
You can’t always shoot up.

Bullet Bill puts on a record.

MANNISH BOY by MUDDY WATERS begins to play.

As the vinyl rotates Bullet Bill raises a folded dollar.

He lowers his nose to the record and drips cocaine from the
folded dollar onto the vinyl. With his free hand he raises a
rolled up dollar to his nose. The vinyl rotates, bringing the
yak directly to him, creating an infinity line.
 48.

SHY GUY
Is he good.

YOSHI
Yea.

TOAD
Load up another wood full of that
ewok.

BIRDO
We’re out.

YOSHI
No.

SHY GUY
Can’t be.

BIRDO
Out of woods. We have smoke.

YOSHI
Oh.

SAMUS
Someone gotta go to the corner
store.

YOSHI
I don’t have cash.

TOAD
No cash.

SHY GUY
You can use a card.

SAMUS
Ten dollar minimum for card.

BIRDO
I can venmo.

YOSHI
You can buy less than ten dollars
they will just surchage you.

SAMUS
I don’t think that’s how it works.

YOSHI
That’s how it works.
 49.

SHY GUY
Venmo me and I’ll go.

BIRDO
Word.

YOSHI
Get snacks.

BULLET BILL
AGHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHH.

Bullet Bill punches through a window pane.

YOSHI
Get the honey bourbon woods if they
have them.

INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

LUIGI
Hey.

WALUIGI
Hey.

WARIO
Hey.

WALUIGI
We’ve been looking for you.

LUIGI
You killed one of my guys.

WALUIGI
You’re not easy to find.

LUIGI
Also killed some regular people.

WARIO
Sorry.

LUIGI
It’s cool.

WALUIGI
We need to talk to you about
Israel.
 50.

LUIGI
A two-state solution is not
acceptable.

WARIO
Not about that.

WALUIGI
You supply MDMA to Europe through
Israel.

LUIGI
They hit the bean and go bonkers.

WALUIGI
Do you deal with ex-mossad?

LUIGI
Black Cube. Kroll. Some. Adrenaline
junkies that want the financial
offerings of the private sector.
Information suppression. Deal
security. Assassination. They’ll do
anything for money.

WALUIGI
Because they’re jewish?

LUIGI
No, they have a loose moral code.

WALUIGI
For the past year I have been
stalked by ghosts. Shadows. No
fingerprints. No treads. No ID. I
have 100 empty wallets in my trunk.

LUIGI
That’s crazy.

WALUIGI
I need to know who could hire
soldiers of this fortitude in such
a great number. Who would sell an
army. And who could buy one.

LUIGI
That’s a lot to talk about. But if
you want to talk business, we need
to do business.

WALUIGI
Money is no object.
 51.

LUIGI
I need to know you’re cool.

WALUIGI
We’re cool.

LUIGI
You need to boof this molly.

WARIO
What.

LUIGI
I’m playing but you do need to take
it.

WALUIGI
I don’t want to do molly right now.
Israeli soldiers are hunting me.

LUIGI
I can’t talk with someone I can’t
trust. Smack this fat moon rock or
we’re done.

WALUIGI
He’s got us cornered.

WARIO
This molly looks pure.

WALUIGI
Ok.

Waluigi and Wario eat the fat rocks.

LUIGI
Damn you’re crazy.

WALUIGI
Tell us about Israel.

WARIO
I need water.

LUIGI
The organized crime in Israel is
linked to splinter groups in Russia
and Germany. I supply product and
Hasids bring it into Europe on
fucking planes. They’ve paid the
right people, but some of the
middle men in air traffic still
need to be pressured.
(MORE)
 52.

LUIGI (CONT'D)
The ex-mossad are crazy. They’ll do
whatever they’re told, but they can
only do so many jobs before
building up too much international
heat. But the thing is they can’t
stop. They live for this shit. When
they stop getting organized jobs
they can’t just quit, so they start
looking elsewhere. There’s a group
in Romania called “MIKZAV” that
deals in these hot heads. They sell
these trained killers. And because
they’re hot already, they come
cheap. You could hire 10 for the
price of one clean killer. Whoever
is coming for you is without a
doubt working through MIKZAV.

WALUIGI
What.

LUIGI
The organized crime in Israel is
linked to splinter groups in Russia
and Germany. I supply product and
Hasids bring it into Europe on
fucking planes. They’ve paid the
right people, but some of the
middle men in air traffic still
need to be pressured. The ex-mossad
are fucking crazy. They’ll do
whatever they’re told, but they can
only do so many jobs before they
get too much international heat.
But the thing is they can’t stop.
They live for this shit. When they
stop getting organized jobs, they
can’t stop, so they start looking
elsewhere. There’s a group in
Romania called “MIKZAV” that deals
in these hot heads. They sell these
trained killers. And because
they’re hot already, they come
cheap. You could hire 10 for the
price of one clean killer. Whoever
is coming for you is without a
doubt working through MIKZAV.

WALUIGI
Ok.

WARIO
I’m fucking peaking.
 53.

INT. MARIO PARTY - WHENEVER

YOSHI
Where is Shy Guy.

BIRDO
Getting woods.

YOSHI
I know, he is taking too long.

BULLET BILL
I need to smoke.

BIRDO
He’s been gone for seven minutes.

TOAD
Your perception of time is
distorted by the alcohol.

YOSHI
I’m fucked up.

BULLET BILL
I need to smoke.

BIRDO
Chill.

SAMUS
You’re buggin.

BULLET BILL
I’m yakked out of my mind I’m too
up for this.

TOAD
Drink water.

BULLET BILL
No.

BIRDO
How much coke did you buy.

BULLET BILL
Much more than a gram.

TOAD
Shy Guy will be back soon.

SAMUS
Let’s play Settlers of Catan.
 54.

YOSHI
What.

BIRDO
I need you to shut the fuck up.

BULLET BILL
Are you a fucking retard.

SAMUS
Catan is fun.

TOAD
I’m gonna kill you.

YOSHI
Where is Shy Guy.

SHY GUY
Yo.

TOAD
Thank god.

BIRDO
Woods?

SHY GUY
They didn’t have honey. Got Berry.

BULLET BILL
I don’t give a fuck roll up.

YOSHI
I sold guns earlier in this.

SHY GUY
Also got chips.

BIRDO
Great job.

TOAD
Let’s smoke this wood and then
watch episodes of Lost at 2x speed.

YOSHI
Bet.

BIRDO
Good idea.

SHY GUY
That way they’ll go faster.
 55.

BULLET BILL
Lost was a good show.

SAMUS
Catan is fun.

INT. PLANE - MORNING

WALUIGI
We’re on a plane to Romania.

WARIO
Yeah.

WALUIGI
I want this nightmare to end.

WARIO
I was asleep when the person came
with the nuts.

WALUIGI
I walk without doubt, but for the
first time I fear the future.

WARIO
Sometimes if you’re asleep they’ll
give your nuts to someone next you
that’s awake but they didn’t this
time.

WALUIGI
I need to talk to you about
shadows.

WARIO
We all have them.

WALUIGI
I see them.

WARIO
Also normal.

WALUIGI
My mind works against me. There is
a trauma surfacing. My dreams are
colliding with reality.

WARIO
I’m going to press the button and
ask for nuts.
 56.

WALUIGI
I see them. When we were on the
boat. When we killed Fitz.

WARIO
You killed Fitz.

WALUIGI
They’re always there, even when
they’re not.

WARIO
I haven’t killed anyone.

WALUIGI
I can’t stop the bleed. It feels
like my world is breaking.

WARIO
That’s fucked.

WALUIGI
It is.

The plane keeps flying.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
I’m going to crash this fucking
plane.

WARIO
What.

Waluigi gets up.

WALUIGI
I don’t care anymore.

WARIO
We’re on the plane though.

WALUIGI
I can’t silence my mind. This is
the only way.

Waluigi pulls out a gun.

WARIO
Oh man.

Waluigi runs through the aisle to the cockpit.

 57.

WALUIGI
I’ve got a gun and I’m taking
control of the plane.

PILOT
Don’t do that.

PILOT TWO
We’re on the plane.

WARIO
That’s what I said.

WALUIGI
I don’t want to hurt anyone, just
let me crash the plane.

PILOT
What.

Waluigi shoots the door.

PILOT TWO
Please stop that.

PILOT
This door is built to withstand a
grenade blast.

WALUIGI
Let me in, I won’t crash the plane.

PILOT TWO
Do you promise.

WALUIGI
Yea.

The Pilot opens the door.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Youf ucking idiots.

Waluigi shoots the two pilots and takes control of the plane.

WARIO
Waluigi what are you doing.

WALUIGI
Fuck MIKZAV. Fuck Israel. Fuck
Luigi. I just want peace. And the
only peace I want to know is death.
 58.

GUY ON PLANE
Don’t mean to butt in, but some of
the other people on the plane would
like you to not crash the plane.

Waluigi pulls the plane into a nosedive.

WALUIGI
I’m tormented by the hell I have
created for myself and the trauma
of my wife and daughter’s death in
the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I tried
to persevere, to use my pain as
fuel, but I just waylaid an
undeniable truth. I am broken and
my mind is glass.

GUY ON PLANE
Ok.

WALUIGI
I see shadows everywhere.

GUY ON PLANE
Got it.

Every alarm in the plane goes off.

Screams permeate the cabin.

The End is imminent.

PASSENGERS
AGGHHHHHDHSHHHH!!!!!!HH

PASSENGER ONE
I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

PASSENGER TWO
CLOSE YOUR EYES BABY. YOU’RE GOING
TO BE FINE.

PASSENGER THREE
PLEASE GOD.

WALUIGI
Finally I can rest.

The plane approaches a mountain. As it draws closer and

closer clouds dissipate, revealing rocks and jagged terrain.

Closer.

Closer.
 59.

We’re here.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Thank y-

THE PLANE ACCORDIONS ON ITSELF UPON IMPACT.

THE ENGINES EXPLODE.

UNQUENCHABLE FIRE.

Passengers’ heads collide with the seats in front of them.

Some are concussed while the lucky ones die on impact.

The plane breaks in the middle.

Children slide out of loose seat belts and into the air.

PASSENGERS
AAHHGHHGHHDGHHGHGHGHSDHGH!!!

INT. PLANE - MORNING

Waluigi wakes up.

WARIO
I didn’t get any nuts.

WALUIGI
What.

WARIO
I think I got skipped.

The plane keeps flying.

WARIO (CONT’D)
Are you good.

WALUIGI
Yea.

WARIO
Really?

WALUIGI
Yeah I’m good. I don’t want to
crash the plane or anything.

WARIO
Ok cool.

Waluigi has a big boner.

 60.

INT. MARIO PARTY - NIGHT

Yoshi, Bullet Bill, and the other guys I cant remember

everyone who is in this scene all chill for five minutes.

YOSHI
Lost is not as good as I
remembered.

BIRDO
No.

SHY GUY
It’s not.

TOAD
Too many episodes in each season.

BULLET BILL
I used to watch Alias.

BIRDO
Too much filler.

TOAD
Binging it doesn’t produce the same
feeling as when it originally
aired.

BULLET BILL
The girl in Alias was so hot.

YOSHI
Lost is stressing me out.

BULLET BILL
Hit this.

YOSHI
What’s this?

BULLET BILL
Fresh N2O cartridges.

Yoshi does a whippit.

YOSHI
(low voice)
Lost is good now.

BIRDO
The whippit made Lost good?
 61.

YOSHI
(low voice)
Lost good.

BIRDO
Let me see that.

SHY GUY
You’re taking it straight from the
cracker?

Birdo does a whippit.

SAMUS
You’re supposed to use a balloon.

BULLET BILL
You don’t have to use a balloon.

BIRDO
(low voice)
What in hatch.

SHY GUY
Your lungs can flash freeze doing
it that way.

TOAD
Let me see that thing.

SHY GUY
I’m sticking with bud.

Toad does a whippit.

TOAD
(low voice)
Smooek monste.r

BIRDO
(low voice)
Lost good.

YOSHI
(low voice)
Jacck.

SAMUS
I’m gonna go back to back, rip 16g
of the nos like I’m Paul Walker.

Samus does two whippits in one breath.

 62.

SHY GUY
That’s crazy.

SAMUS
(low voice)
Mistah Ekoo.

YOSHI
Lost good.

BIRDO
Mmmmmm.

TOAD
(low voice)
Smoek moonster.

BULLET BILL
I love doing cocaine in the living
room.

EXT. ROMANIAN STREET - DAY

WARIO
What language do they speak in
Romania.

WALUIGI
Russian.

WARIO
Maybe.

WALUIGI
We need to find the headquarters
for illegal contract killer sales
group MIKZAV.

WARIO
I remember.

WALUIGI
Google it.

WARIO
I need wifi.

WALUIGI
We can go to a coffee shop.

WARIO
Gonna check NBA scores too.
 63.

WALUIGI
Word.

INT. COFFEE CHOP - CONTINUOUS

WARIO
Cavs are up.

WALUIGI
LeBron is the goat.

WARIO
He is the goat.

WALUIGI
Jordan is not as good.

WARIO
No.

WALUIGI
Jordan was good, but not as good as
LeBron.

WARIO
LeBron better.

WAITRESS
Do you want coffee or some other
stuff?

WARIO
I’m good.

WALUIGI
Maybe like a bagel or something.

WAITRESS
Ok.

WALUIGI
Romania is nice.

WARIO
Yea.

They chill.

WARIO (CONT’D)
Nobody has tried to kill you in a
while.
 64.

WALUIGI
Refresh those Cavs scores.

WARIO
It seemed like before we were under
constant attack, but not so much
now.

WALUIGI
LeBron James.

WARIO
Do we need to keep going? What if
we didn’t go to MIKZAV?

WALUIGI
You’re acting crazy.

WARIO
I am tired of war.

WALUIGI
We killed a man in the street. We
bought guns from Yoshi. We
intimidated a whore in a bathroom.
We killed a man on a boat. We
terrorized an island. We traced the
MDMA scene to find Luigi. We
bartered with him for information.
We took a plane to Romania. And
now, as we are about to find out
who has been sending Israeli death
squads to kill me, and you want to
give up?

WARIO
We left those girls in Luigi’s
dungeon.

WALUIGI
We can’t give up now.

WARIO
So many girls.

WALUIGI
No way can we give up now.

WARIO
Our quest is Sisyphean.

WALUIGI
We are not meant for rest.
 65.

WARIO
Then let me die.

WAITRESS
Do you still want this bagel?

WALUIGI
We’ve moved on.

WARIO
I can’t even pray for myself
anymore.

WALUIGI
Listen we’re in pretty deep on this
one so we’re gonna see the mikzo
thing out ok.

WAITRESS
How is LeBron doing.

INT. MARIO PARTY - WHAT

SAMUS
Lost is confusing.

BIRDO
This isn’t Lost.

YOSHI
We stopped watching Lost a while
ago.

SAMUS
Not Lost?

TOAD
Vine comps now.

BIRDO
Lost was hard to focus on, even at
2x speed.

SHY GUY
You passed out from too many
whippets.

SAMUS
What.

SHY GUY
You hit too many whippits and
passed out from it.
 66.

TOAD
This is part 64.

BULLET BILL
Who needs a beer.

YOSHI
Right here.

BIRDO
Yeah.

SAMUS
This is not Lost?

BIRDO
Turned off Lost when you passed
out. Put on Youtube.

TOAD
You missed the ass part of the
comp.

SAMUS
How many whippits?

SHY GUY
A lot.

YOSHI
You were chaining them back to
back.

SAMUS
I’m sick.

BULLET BILL
I gotta piss.

Bullet Bill leaves.

YOSHI
You pissed yourself too.

BIRDO
When you were awake.

SAMUS
Whoops.

SHY GUY
It was during Lost.
 67.

TOAD
I never skip the ass part of the
comp.

BIRDO
Your eyes were open at least.

SAMUS
My pants are wet from the pee.

YOSHI
We could hear you pissing yourself.

SAMUS
Let me get a beer though.

TOAD
I love to watch twerking.

INT. MARIO BATHROOM - CONTINOUS

BULLET BILL
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.
I’m so fucked up. Help.

INT. MARIO PARTY - CONTINOUS

BIRDO
YouTube rules.

YOSHI
It’s good.
 68.

SHY GUY
Lots of good videos on YouTube.

TOAD
I’ve seen every vine comp.

BIRDO
You didn’t need to.

TOAD
No.

YOSHI
Watch this video of a guy eating
hot peppers and getting kicked in
the nuts.

SHY GUY
I’ve seen that one.

TOAD
Because of the vine comps I know
about hitting the quan.

YOSHI
He also eats a bunch of warheads
and cinnamon and drinks a gallon of
milk.

SHY GUY
Search “peppers warhead milk
cinnamon.”

YOSHI
Search that.

BIRDO
I’m searching.

TOAD
Without watching the vine comps I
would not know about hitting the
quan.

YOSHI
You typed earhead instead of
warhead.

BIRDO
Youtube knows what I want it
doesn’t matter.
 69.

TOAD
Search “white girl hitting the
quan” or “white girl kills hit the
quan.”

SHY GUY
Don’t search for that.

BIRDO
This one?

YOSHI
Yea that’s it play it.

TOAD
White girl juju on that beat.

INT. MARIO BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Bullet Bill grips the sink and breathes heavily in front of

the mirror.

BULLET BILL
AHGHGHAHGHGAHGHHAGHAHGHHAGHAIODOAGH
JHAGJHAGJHJAHGJAHGJHAJGHAGHGAHHGHAG
HAHGHGHHAHGAHIGIAGHIAHGIHGAHIAHIGHA
IHGIHAIGHAHGIAHGIHAIHGIAHIHGAIHGIHA
IHGIHAGIHAI.

Bullet Bill’s reflection doesn’t match his screams. It stares

back at him and grins.

INT. MARIO PARTY - CONTINOUS.

BIRDO
This dude is a savage.

YOSHI
Right.

SAMUS
Crazy.

SHY GUY
Any other good videos?

YOSHI
There’s one of a guy jacking off on
a bus.

SAMUS
That one is wild.
 70.

YOSHI
He cums when the girl filming calls
him out.

SAMUS
It’s not on Youtube though.

YOSHI
It might be.

SAMUS
It’s not.

BULLET BILL
Yo.

Bullet Bill is back.

BIRDO
Were you doing more coke.

BULLET BILL
No I was peeing check the toilet.

SHY GUY
Hit this.

BULLET BILL
Yerr.

YOSHI
Try searching for the bus video.

SAMUS
You have to go to liveleak for
something like that.

TOAD
Please search for white girl nae
nae.

SHY GUY
You gotta shut the fuck up.

YOSHI
Tweakin.

SAMUS
Do some whippets and chill out.

TOAD
I need to do some whippets and
chill out.
 71.

INT. BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

WALUIGI
When we get to the main office, be
prepared for anything. Do you have
your gun?

WARIO
I don’t have a gun. I haven’t had a
gun for this whole thing. You have
guns.

WALUIGI
I might start shooting at them.

WARIO
We should try a covert approach. If
we can get to their records we
could look up who has been sending
assassins to the mushroom kingdom.

WALUIGI
What the fuck is the mushroom
kingdom.

WARIO
They’ll kill us if you start
shooting.

WALUIGI
I love using force.

WARIO
I’ll distract them, then you look
for the records or try to get
access to a computer. That’s a good
plan.

WALUIGI
(twirling gun)
The best haid plans of muse and
main.

WARIO
What.

WALUIGI
My ffucking brain is broken.
 72.

INT. MIKZAV OFFICE LOBBY - CONTINOUS

RECEPTIONIST
Good morning, do you have an
appointment?

Waluigi reaches for his gun, but Wario stays his hand.

WARIO
We don’t, but would like to make
one. Is there a wait?

RECEPTIONIST
We’re not too busy this morning. A
consultant should be free within
thirty minutes. Please sign in and
you can have a seat here.

WARIO
Thank you.

WALUIGI
I was going to pulverize that
bitch.

WARIO
You shouldn’t pulverize anyone.

WALUIGI
We’re in the den of the enemy.
Surrounded by enemies. In their
den.

WARIO
They’re just the middle man. It
seems like this is a pretty big
operation. They probably don’t even
know who we are.

WALUIGI
We’re Mario and Luigi motherfucker.

Waluigi points his gun at a guy at the water cooler.

WARIO
We’re not either of those guys.

Wario presses the gun back down.

WARIO (CONT’D)
Are you ok?
 73.

RECEPTIONIST
Can I get you anything to drink?
Coffee, water, soda?

WALUIGI
A coffee would be great thank you.

RECEPTIONIST
No problem, just one minute.

WARIO
Let’s think of a plan.

WALUIGI
Spill the coffee when she gets
back. That will buy us time.

WATER COOLER GUY

Paid for sex last night.

WATER COOLER DUDE

Women, rgiht? Wife make you take
her out for the old dinner date?

WATER COOLER GUY

No I went to under a bridge and
paid a man for a whore to fuck.

WATER COOLER DUDE

Dinner and a movie? Movie tickets,
popcorn, soda, it adds up. That’s
like sixty bucks. We all end up
paying one way or another haha.

WATER COOLER GUY

I had to wear a condom and we
fucked in a refrigerator box. The
guy said we would have privacy, but
he watched.

WATER COOLER DUDE

The old dinner date? I haven’t
taken my old lady out to dinner in
months she haTes me.

WATER COOLER GUY

She started sucking me with the
condom on and he walked out from
behind a pillar and said stuff like
“gotta keep an eye on the
merchandise” while rubbing his dick
through his pants.
 74.

WATER COOLER DUDE

I’m in the dOghouse with my wife
when I watch sports.

WATER COOLER GUY

I couldn’t cum so after like 10
minutes I just faked it so I could
leave. I drove home and had to lie
about where I was so I told my wife
I was at the buffalo wild wings.

WATER COOLER DUDE

HUugghhghghghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

WATER COOLER GUY

It was a cheap fuck at least. $20,
that’s nothing. I might do it
again.

WALUIGI
Welp see ya.

INT. OFFICE HALLWAY - CONTINOUS

Waluigi creeps through the office searching for a computer.

He finds an empty storage room with filing cabinets.

INT. OFFICE LOBBY - CONTINOUS

RECEPTIONIST
Here’s your coffee and just over by
the cooler there is some cream and
sugar. You’re next on the waiting
list so it shouldn’t be much
longer. Thank you for your
patience.

WARIO
Thank you.

Wario spills the coffee.

WARIO (CONT’D)
Whoops.

INT. SIDE OFFICE - CONTINOUS

Waluigi searches through files.

 75.

WATER COOLER GUY

(o.s.)
Sometimes I’ll get sick and not
take any medicine. I’ll be sick for
like two weeks.

WATER COOLER DUDE

(o.s.)
Yea definitely.

Waluigi pulls the office apart. He rifles through cabinets

and walks his fingers down the alphabetical order.

CLOSE ON: FILES NAMED: “WEXLEY”, “WHEAT”, “WHO IS TRYING TO

KILL WALUIGI”, “WIFE TRAUMA”, “WINSTON”

INT. OFFICE LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

The lobby is empty. Coffee is spilled on the coffee table.

INT. SIDE OFFICE - CONTINOUS

Waluigi removes the file marked “WHO IS TRYING TO KILL

WALUIGI” from the filing cabinet.

He prepares to open the file when the receptionist enters. He

quickly hides the file behind his back.

RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?

WALUIGI
I was just looking.

RECEPTIONIST
For what?

WALUIGI
My friend.

RECEPIONIST
Who?

Waluigi uses his free hand to reach for his gun.

WALUIGI
The guy I came in with.

RECEPTIONIST
Press start. You didn’t come in
with anyone.
 76.

His hand stops.

WALUIGI
Wario. You got him coffee.

RECEPTIONIST
C 2000 Camelot.

Waluigi backs up.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)
Are you al-
(chopped & screwed voice)
-RIGhT sIR.

The receptionist’s head SPLITS VERTICALLY. Purple essence

radiates out of her new Venus fly trap mouth. As she speaks
in screwed voice purple gas radiates from her new mouth.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)
(chopped & screwed)
PLaY a oNE-PLaYer gAMe.

WALUIGI
Wario!

Waluigi backs up and turns into a sprint out of the room.

INT. OFFICE HALLWAY - CONTINOUS

Waluigi sprints past offices. Workers rise and poke their

heads out of cubicles to see the commotion. Waluigi rapidly
turns corners and knocks papers everywhere.

INT. OFFICE LOBBY - CONTINOUS

Waluigi arrives back in the waiting room and sees the spilled
coffee. The receptionist is back at her desk, unchanged.

RECEPTIONIST
Is everything ok? A representative
is ready to see you now. Type All
Around.

WALUIGI
Where’s Wario.

RECEPTIONIST
I. I’m not sure what you mean. Ex-
(chopped & screwed)
-HiBItioN.
 77.

Waluigi scans the room, searching for his friend. He backs up

to the door they came in through, still hiding the file.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)
Did you go into an office? What’s
behind your back?

WALUIGI
Tell me where Wario is.

RECEPTIONIST
Did you-
(chopped & screwed)
MAstEr thE bASics.
(regular voice)
-Take something?

Waluigi runs out of the office lobby.

INT. BUILDING HALLWAY - CONTINOUS

Waluigi sprints out of the MIKZAV office. He arrives at the

elevators and begins jamming on the up and down buttons.

WALUIGI
WARIO! WARIO!

Neither of the elevators are arriving fast enough so he

blasts into the stairwell with a front kick.

INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINOUS

He runs down the stairs, skipping 3-4 at a time. Each door he

passes he tries to open, but they’re all locked. Finally
after two locked doors he barrels into a third and it gives.

INT. WHITE HALLWAY - CONTINOUS

Waluigi dashes down the hallway, trying more office double

doors, but they’re all locked.

WALUIGI
WARIO!

The hallway turns into a dead end with one last set of double
doors. He grabs both handles and pulls with all his strength,
but they don’t budge.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
AGHGHGHHHGHHHGHHH.
 78.

He slumps against the locked doors. His breathing is

irregular and out of control. Between gasps he looks down...

...and sees in his hand, the file he took from MIKZAV.

He repositions himself and looks at the file.

CLOSE ON: The file labeled “Start Paperwork Spring 2015”

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Wha.

He tears into the file and finds only paperwork. He dumps the
contents onto the ground. Head shots of employees and copies
of timecards clutter the floor.

He shuffles the papers looking for answers.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
Why. What.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE

(o.s.)
Waaaallluuuiiigiii.

Waluigi shoots up and turns to look at the doors he was

sitting against. The voice is coming from behind the doors.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE (CONT’D)

(o.s.)
Wwwhhhhhaaaaaaaaa.

Purple mist seeps out from the cracks in the door.

Waluigi grabs the door handles again and pulls. Nothing.

He repositions his grip and pushes this time. The doors open.

Purple mist floods the hallway and Waluigi steps into the
deep mauve like a Dark Souls fog gate.

INT. MARIO PARTY

TOAD
My brain feels cold.

BIRDO
Too many whippets.

YOSHI
Bringing out the whippets was a
mistake.
 79.

SAMUS
They should be done in moderation.
Not like this.

TOAD
Cold brain.

They chill for five minutes.

YOSHI
Are we having fun.

BIRDO
I’m having fun.

SAMUS
I’m having fun.

SHY GUY
I am having fun.

BULLET BILL
I’m chillin but also having fun.

TOAD
Yus.

YOSHI
I’m having fun too.

Toad throws up.

TOAD
do you know who I am?

They chill.

TOAD (CONT’D)
I am Dominic Toretto and I am about
to hit the boost kid.

Toad tries to load another whippit.

BIRDO
Please don’t do that.

SAMUS
We have had enough drugs.

YOSHI
We are trapped in a haze.

SHY GUY
The fog is permanent.
 80.

BULLET BILL
I think I’m going to get sober.

SAMUS
I have to go to work soon.

BULLET BILL
I don’t need a program though. I
can get sober on my own.

YOSHI
It’s easy to get sober on your own
without help.

BIRDO
Should be no problem.

SHY GUY
A simple task.

SAMUS
We should all get sober.

BIRDO
Yes.

SHY GUY
Yep.

BULLET BILL
I’m already sober.

YOSHI
Maybe.

TOAD
(gasping)
Huuuuuuuuuhhheeeeeeeeee.

Empty beer cans and red cups cover the coffee table and
surround chair legs. Spoons from mixed drinks balance on
dirty dishes and napkins. Weed crumbs and dutch guts carpet
the floor around the couch. N02 cartridges litter the ground
and some are kicked under the fridge. The couch is covered in
ash. Records and video games are everywhere except their
cases. Every possible surface has a cup or can on it. Empty
pill bottles stack on windowsills and shelves. There is some
pee and cum on the ground.

TOAD (CONT’D)
PAss me the ewok weed.
 81.

INT. ARCHITECTS ROOM

Waluigi walks forward into a white surveillance room. The

purple fog dispels. Tube TVs line the forward wall in a grid
of 9x9. All of them off.

As he steps forwards the center most TV flickers.

Static.

Through the rolling static a picture is visible. As the

static dissipates we see security camera footage...

...of Waluigi walking into the office.

Waluigi, now entranced by the TV, walks closer.

The security footage plays. We see Waluigi walk into the

MIKZAV office lobby alone. There is no volume but we see him
speak to the receptionist and sit down. A moment later she
brings a cup of coffee. He spills it and when she goes to get
paper towels he leaves the field of view of the camera.

A moment later we see Waluigi return to the lobby, more

distressed, yelling, and carrying the file.

WALUIGI
No.

We see Waluigi exchange words with the receptionist before

backing up towards the door and running away.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
No no no no.

The TV shuts off and Waluigi closes his eyes.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE

(v.o.)
WaaaHluUiggGi. LooOoooK.

Silence.

All 81 of the TVs turn on simultaneously and begin playing

the same security footage loop of Waluigi.

WALUIGI
AHGHHGGSHDHHSGHSHGHHHH.

Waluigi runs out of the room.

 82.

INT. WHITE HALLWAY - CONTINOUS

Waluigi runs back down the hallway which is now populated by

workers. He pushes them around as he tries doors, looking for
an exit. He finds the door to the stairwell and runs in.

EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINOUS

Waluigi arrives on the street. He’s panting. Out of breath.

He turns back to the building he just ran out of and we see

the sign.

CLOSE ON: “ERNST & YOUNG”

WALUIGI
WARIO!!! WARIO!

A disoriented Waluigi spins on the busy street and passersby

bump into him.

GUY ON STREET
Hey, watch it.

Waluigi is jostled by the English-speaking crowd.

He looks around. Actually looks and we see a Starbucks, Chase

Bank, cars everywhere. Tall glass skyscrapers.

This is Los Angeles. Fig street.

Waluigi ambles down the sidewalk and grabs at a pedestrian.

WALUIGI
WHERE AM I.

The guy pushes Waluigi off of him.

OTHER GUY ON STREET

Get the fuck off of me.

Waluigi pushes through the crowd before seeing a man across

the street with purple gas emanating from his eyes.

Waluigi rushes across the street, disrupting traffic and

causing chaos. Cars stop short and collide into each other.

The purple guy tries to reassume his place in the crowd but
Waluigi is on him. Waluigi pins him up against a building.

WALUIGI
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
 83.

PURPLE GUY
It’s simple.

*SNAP* The man’s facial features distort. The curves of his

face become jagged edges like a 64 bit character.

PURPLE GUY (CONT’D)

(chopped & screwed)
PRreSs sTArt.

Waluigi throws the purple guy to the ground.

He looks around and everyone on the street has become 64 bit.

He spins in confusion and runs without thinking. He takes one

long step.

Two steps.

Three steps...

...into the street.

A bus obliterates him.

INT. ARCHITECTS ROOM - ?

Waluigi awakens in the security footage room. The TVs show

black screens. There are no doors. No windows.

He examines his body and sees no injuries. He goes to scream.

WALUIGI
...

But no words come out.

There’s no sound at all.

It seems that Waluigi is getting shorter.

His height shrinks. We see the floor has started to absorb

him like quicksand. He doesn’t fight the pull.

The room fills with white light as Waluigi slowly sinks into
the ground.

INT. PLANE - DAY

STEWARDESS
Do you want any nuts?
 84.

WALUIGI
No, but-

Waluigi looks to his right and sees an empty seat.

His lips tremble, unable to form words.

WALUIGI (CONT’D)
N-n-n-n-

Pure white light pours into the plane from the windows. As
the light fills the plane a ringing grows louder and louder.

FLASHBACK MONTAGE

-INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

YOSHI
Sig Sauer P210. Legend target. 9mm.
Wood grain. Very rare.

Waluigi tests the weight of the gun alone.

WALUIGI
Good weight.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE

(v.o.)
C2000 Camelot.

-EXT. BOAT DECK - NIGHT

Waluigi approaches a man on the deck. The man looks out to

the water. Waluigi kills him without saying anything.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE (CONT’D)

(v.o.)
Play a one-player game.

-INT. CLUB BATHROOM - NIGHT

Waluigi gets his dick sucked by the E-Head.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE (CONT’D)

(v.o.)
Type all around.

-INT. LAIR TUNNELS - NIGHT

Waluigi walks through Luigi’s tunnels by himself.

 85.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE (CONT’D)

(v.o.)
Exhibition. Master the basics.

-EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT

Waluigi tosses a wallet into the trunk of his car. The trunk
is filled with wallets. They cover the entire base of the
trunk...

...but the wallets are not empty.

ID cards, bank cards, and business cards litter the trunk

too. Some stick out of wallets and some are loose. These
wallets belonged to real people.

Waluigi closes the trunk.

FEMALE SHADOWY VOICE (CONT’D)

(v.o.)
Press start.

END FLASHBACK MONTAGE

INT. LOCKER ROOM - ?

Waluigi sits on a locker room bench. It’s dark. We see him

from the back.

His legs are spread and his elbows are balanced in his thighs
as he hunches over himself. He’s tired. As if he has been
playing sports. He supports his weight by resting his hands
on something we can’t see. Almost as if he’s resting them on
the hilt of a sword plunged into the ground.

Louder and louder we hear sounds. Quiet at first, but

eventually they become clear THWACKS and SCREECHES.

The THWACKS become the sound of serves and returns. The

SCREECHES become the sound of sneakers stopping short. The
sounds grow in volume.

EXT. TENNIS COURT - DAY

Waluigi plays tennis.

FADE OUT.