Muse Magazine February 2018

I
ove
The
Issue
QUIZ
what’s your
the dark InterpersonaL
sIde of hIgh pattern?
seLf-esteem INDEpENDENT,
aND HOw SELf-DOUbT NEEDy Or bOTH
HELpS
adaptIng
to ageIng
parents
NaVIgaTE yOUr rOLE
ControL
your mood
wIth
musIC
HOw TO crEaTE a
STraTEgIc pLayLIST
wake up
feeLIng ANGElINA
JOlIE
unstoppabLe
THE pOwEr Of
HaVINg paSSION
“I feel sad for someone

VOLUME 2 nO. 2 / FEBRUARy 2018
who has never known love.
Love elevates.”
AustrAliAn
publicAtion
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[ FEBRUARY 2018 ]
THIS ISSUE
24
[ UP CLOSE ]
18 ON THE COVER:
THE REAL ANGELINA
The actress who has carved an
image for herself as a passionate
humanitarian and doting mother
explains how she is driven by a desire
to connect
24 JE NE SAIS JULIETTE
Staying in the celebrity eye while
maintaining a sense of allure seems
impossible. French actress Juliette
Binoche does it with class.
[MIND SPACE ]
38 SELF-REFLECTION:
THE ART AND SCIENCE
Mirrors can make us feel like a million
dollars or like we shouldn’t be leaving
the house. What happens when we
take the mirror away? 18
44 TAMING HATE
Who are the keyboard warriors and
trolls in our newsfeed? Find out what
drives hate and how to stop it 44
50 PLAYLIST PSYCHOLOGY
Why does some music give us chills
and remind us of our past lovers
while other tunes send us searching
for the stop button? We hear from
the experts
56 NET WORTH: IS YOUR SELF-

APPRAISAL TRUTH OR FICTION?
56
Is Trump narcissistic or does he
simply have a unique type of high
self-esteem?
4 | muse magazine | musemag.com.au

[ BEING WITH ] 120 ADULT COLOURING BOOKS:
FAD OR FICTION?
94 CARE FACTOR What does research have to say about
How would you cope if one of the much-loved colouring craze?
your parents was diagnosed with
dementia? Doctor Helena Popovic 124 KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON
shares her story Learn to stop stress before it
becomes anxiety
98 THE OVER-PRAISED
KIDS EPIDEMIC 126 LESS TO LUXE BUCKET LIST
Is the ‘you can do anything’ Have you ever considered sleepng
style of parenting breeding a above Iceland’s famous Blue Lagoon?
narcissistic generation?
100 SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT [ REGULARS ]

Alice Fogarty and Carly Naughton 12 THE LENS
discuss the highs and lows of same News and views you can use
sex parenting
30 SPECTRUM
[ DISCOVERY ] muse’s expert columnists discuss this
month’s theme
102 UP CLOSE & PERSONAL: THE
RECIPE FOR TRUE INTIMACY
Can distance really make the heart
grow fonder? 126
106 STYLE AND SUBSTANCE
Designing the type of furniture you’ll
want to live with forever is the goal of
this Danish husband and wife duo
108 CURVE APPEAL
68 One part washroom, one part day spa,

we take a look at the ‘it’ bathroom
112 POWER AND PASSION

[IN DEPTH] The difference between love, passion
62 WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO and luke-warm is important
WITH IT?
Navigating the romantic realm in the 116 LIFE LOG: THE JOURNAL IS
THE DESTINATION
age of Tinder can be daunting. But
Psychology has taught us that putting
what is love anyway?
pen to paper can have dramatic effects
68 HOW CLOSE IS TOO CLOSE? on our mental health and creativity.
Do you always go for the bad boy or Does the subject matter?
the unavailable other? Discover your
attachment style
72 SEX FOR SALE

Sex workers discuss their attraction
to the industry
78 FAITH TIME
Can belief in a spiritual other make us
better people?
82 NO PLACE LIKE HOME

The courageous women who left their
homelands for the Australian dream
88 LIFE, INTERRUPTED
While it’s often villified, borderline
116
personality disorder requires a unique
type of therapeutic intervention. A
first person account explains why…
musemag.com.au | muse magazine | 5

[ EDITOR’S LETTER ]
R
eeling from the news that print deadline is self-esteem, which is integral to healthy self-love,
changing – to lunchtime today – I’m going to challenges the unequivocal self-help contention that
go with free association apropos of the love more is better with an investigation of sub-types of
theme. There is no clearer reminder of what it is high self-esteem. Turns out there’s such a thing as
to do something for the love of it than a moment in fragile high self-esteem, which, when threatened, can
which you’re beholden to a muddy cocktail of fight reveal a very different side of a person who seemed
and flight that renders your brain useless. In the so assured. (It also turns out that the flip side of low
ensuing recovery period, I pondered the phrases self-esteem may be greater self-clarity.) Further on,
‘do what you love and you’ll never work a day in we discern between parenting practices wont to instil
your life’ and ‘the money will come’ – and while I belief in a child’s unconditional worth and those that
guessed that the person who wrote the latter made a hang their validation on variables. Parental warmth,
mistake, the former made sense. Give me a few days more than praise, is thought to result in a balanced
and I’ll again be beating the drum for a day job with appreciation of one’s strengths and weaknesses (p.
inherent rewards – from indulging curiosity about 98). Elsewhere, on the heels of Australia day, the love
the human condition and how the other half live to theme is interpreted as patriotism. We document
the satisfaction of finding just the right image to go the affection and gratitude refugees feel for their
with a feature. Due to the subject matter of muse, adopted country (p. 82). Getting back to the question
even exchanges with contributors feel like bouncing from the bathroom, one answer that seems to reside
around a world of existential enquiry in one of those between the lines of this issue is that love relates to
giant orbs (by which I mean fun, at least from my meaning and living a meaningful life. Believing you’re
point of view). Which brings me to the question I’d loved and accepted and even guided or protected by
thought would anchor this ed note: what even is a higher power or being may be one such method, as
love? It’s not quite the ontological foray I’d imagined discussed in the context of religion (p. 78). A sense of
- you know the Ancient Greeks imagined types of connectedness may also be attained by cultivating
love as part of a life science? – but a feature on love’s passion (p. 112), holistic practices such as mindfulness
constitution does shed light on stages of love, why (p. 120) and even immersion in other cultures (see the
we fall in it and whether we stay there (p. 62). Of Tanzanian glamping trip on p. 126). I hope this issue
course, for all the factors that figure in attraction and inspires you to consider what love means to you.
compatibility (check out Sarah McMahon’s column
on why we choose the partners we do, p. 32), being
able to love demands the prerequisite of feeling loved,
or at least lovable. In a feature on the symbolism
of mirrors, Gabrielle Chariton charts the way early
experience with a primary caregiver informs how
love-literate we are. It’s bookended by a touching
account from psychotherapist Martha Crawford on
her role in the repair process when formative stages REBECCA LONG // EDITOR
go wrong (p. 38). Relatedly, this month’s quiz may
help you to gauge how healthy your blueprint for
close relationships is and shine a light on areas for
improvement. It’s as useful for decoding friendship
patterns as why your partner goes quiet (p. 68). It
would be remiss to ignore the short hop to self-love
and whether you can have too much. The feature on

Photography - Tommika Valente. Model -Darcy Spinks @ Giant Management.
[ CREDITS ]
Think. Create. Become.
EDITORIAL
Editor Rebecca Long
[email protected]
Editorial Assistant Natasha Thompson
Copy Editor Molly Morelli
Managing Editor Ben Stone
Contributing Writers David Goding, Stephanie Osfield, Gabrielle Chariton,
Mel Thomson, Stephanie Siemion
ART
Art Director Javie D’Souza
Graphic Designers Diep Nguyen, Henry Lee, James Steer, Zeenia Bhikha
DIGITAL & ONLINE

Head of Digital Strategy Karl Nemsow
Senior Web Developer David Ding
Online Editor Christine Assirvaden
PHOTOGRAPHY
Cover Photography Angelina Jolie / August / Raven & Snow
Feature Photography Thinkstock/ Pexels
ADVERTISING SALES
National Advertising Manager Ally Riazati
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POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY
DR SuzY GREEN
clinical psychologist
A leader in the complementary fields of coaching psychology
and positive psychology, Suzy conducted a world-first study on
evidence-based coaching as an applied positive psychologist. The
clinical and coaching psychologist founded The Positivity Institute
– ‘a positively deviant organisation dedicated to the research and
application of positive psychology for life, school and work’. Her
roles include honorary academic positions at three esteemed
education institutions as well as the Black Dog Institute. She’s an
affiliate of the Well Being Institute at Cambridge University.
The tendency to block MINDFuLNESS

love, which often happens DR ELISE BIALYLEw
A doctor trained in psychiatry-turned-social
unconsciously, often stems from entrepreneur, Elise is passionate about supporting
individuals and organisations to develop inner
emotional baggage from childhood tools to flourish, and offers workshops and training
or failed relationships. We might at the Mind Life Project. She is the founder of
global mindfulness campaign Mindful in May,
feel unworthy of love and find it which teaches thousands of people worldwide to
hard to believe and accept that meditate while raising funds to build clean water
projects in the developing world.
someone can love us. (p. 34)
PREFERRED ExPERTS
wOMEN’S MENTAL HEALTH

PROF JAYASHRI KuLKARNI
PERINATAL &
psychiatrist
INFANT MENTAL HEALTH
During three decades in psychiatry,
DR JuLIA FEuTRILL Jayashri has pioneered the novel use of
perinatal and infant psychiatrist oestrogen as a treatment for schizophrenia
Julia is a perinatal and infant and is internationally acknowledged
psychiatrist who cares for young as a leader in the field of reproductive
families from preconception to hormones and their impact on mental
middle childhood. She has worked health. The president of the International
across the mental health sector in Association of Women’s Mental Health, she
Western Australia and is currently directs a large psychiatric research group,
co-director of the Elizabeth Clinic, the Monash Alfred Psychiatry Research
a specialist multidisciplinary health Centre (MAPrc), dedicated to discovering
service for families. new treatments, new understanding and
new services for people with a range of
mental illnesses.
PHILOSOPHY
DR NADINE CAMERON
Academic, wellbeing consultant and meditation teacher, Dr Love, generally speaking, is pretty engaging
Nadine Cameron has been engaged in a number of projects
designed to encourage philosophical thought about aspects of
of all the senses. It’s not just our lover’s
everyday life including art, getting dressed and using leisure appearance that captivates us; it’s the
time. A faculty member of The School of Life, Australia, she
has a PhD in mental health and particular interests in the
sound of their voice. It’s their scent.
theoretical and practical intersections of wellbeing and the Individuals who develop anosmia – loss of
body and emotional intelligence and community. Nadine
attended the Victorian College of the Arts, where her focus was
smell – often report falling out of love with
photography and majored in politics in her BA. their partners overnight. (p.36)

YOuTH SEx & RELATIONSHIPS
PROF PATRICK ALINDA SMALL
MCGORRY relationship counsellor/sex therapist
psychiatrist Consulting as a relationship counsellor and
Professor Patrick McGorry sex therapist in private practice, Alinda
is an Irish-born Australian specialises in helping clients who struggle to
psychiatrist known worldwide form and maintain relationships, couples in
for his development of early crisis and sexual dysfunction. A mother of
intervention services for youth. three, Sydney-based Alinda has a psychology
The 2010 Australian of the degree and is currently completing her
Year, he is executive director of masters’ in medicine, science and sexual
Orygen, The National Centre health at The University of Sydney.
of Excellence in Youth Mental
Health, professor of Youth
Mental Health at the University
of Melbourne, president of
the Society for Mental Health
Research in Australia and
president of the Schizophrenia
International Research Society.
Patrick was instrumental in Rather than something merely
the Australian government’s
establishment of the National
felt, gratitude may be better
Youth Mental Health Foundation described as a practice and a
(now Headspace). skill. As we actively perform
it consistently, we become
more proficient and it begins to
Who We’ve got feel more natural and require
less conscious effort. (p. 30)
on speed-dial
CHILDREN/PARENTING
DR ASH NAYATE
MIND-BODY MEDICINE neuropsychologist
DR CRAIG HASSED Ash is a transformational coach and clinical neuropsychologist
Craig’s medical background and interest with a passion for holistic wellbeing and plant-based living. With
in the mind-body connection have more than 10 years’ experience in the health, developmental and
positioned him as a leader in integrative medical fields, Ash incorporates coaching principles to assist
medical practice in Australia and abroad. clients who are seeking to achieve health and wellness goals,
His teaching, research and clinical attain more balance in their lives, improve emotional stability,
interests include mindfulness-based overcome addictive behaviours and increase levels of happiness
stress management, mind-body medicine, and fulfilment. Ash is committed to continual and ongoing self-
meditation, health promotion, integrative development, and she has personal interests in fitness, yoga,
medicine and medical ethics. He was travel, integrative nutrition and alternative medicine.
the founding president of the Australian
Teachers of Meditation Association, is a
senior lecturer at Monash University and
has published 10 books.
BODY IMAGE & EATING

SARAH MCMAHON
psychologist
Sarah embraces industry-leading best
practice and advocates for ‘health at
every size’ to help people establish For all the wonder and magic of the
a healthy and balanced relationship tales, they peddle a wildly unrealistic
with eating, exercise and their bodies.
Her personal style and approachable version of reality – where people with
manner supports her clients in varying levels of attractiveness and
aligning values and behaviour to
achieve a happy and meaningful life. intelligence have partners and are
Sarah is the director of BodyMatters happy! (p. 32)
in Sydney.

[ THINK ]
PreSent
tenSe
Poor financial decisions and repeating past
mistakes may hark back to high childhood stress,
research suggests. High childhood stress may
interfere with the ability to predict loss and
punishment by dampening the heightened
awareness ordinarily piqued by the brain to
assess and avoid risk, according to Proceedings
of the National Academy of Sciences. People
with high-stress childhoods appeared not to
use negative feedback to change behaviour
after mistakes, which was thought to correlate
rage againSt with low activity in the brain region activated by

potential loss.
the machine
Road rage. Queue rage. Telco rage. For every modern scenario, there’s a reason
to lose your temper. But a simple technique may help to minimise how angry
or aggressive you feel when provoked - even if you are constantly exposed to
frustration. Self-distancing – in which you pretend you’re viewing the scene as an
observer rather than a participant and try to understand your feelings from that
perspective – can take the heat out of anger and aggression, according to research
published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. Conversely, focusing on
how you’re feeling without stepping back tends to perpetuate the provocation, like
being prodded, experts said.
Feeling Sound
the biteS
love
The drug commonly known as
If you find yourself overreacting to regular
sounds, it may be a sign of stress-related
exhaustion. Women with a high level of
SelF-
ecstasy may help to promote emotional exhaustion have been found
intimacy among people with to develop hypersensitivity to sounds as
worth
difficulty feeling close to others, benign as a normal conversation, according
according to a study proposing to research published in journal PLoS
MDMA as a therapeutic ONE. Conversely, being oblivious to
aid. Its ‘empathogenic’
effects may assist those with
diagnoses that disrupt a sense
environmental noise may indicate stress
but low exhaustion, since normal stress
reactions include ‘shutting your ears’.
Science
Often steeped in watercolour and
of connectedness to others, twee idioms, self-affirmation enables
such as schizophrenia and preservation of self-worth in the face of
autism, researchers reported mistakes or failure, according to research
in Biological Psychiatry. in Psychological Science. Focusing on
Documented effects of MDMA important qualities can preserve self-
among recreational users worth, according to research identifying
include making others appear neurophysiological reactions to specific,
less threatening, although self-directed positivity. Researchers
experts warn that temporarily hypothesised that the self-affirmation used
distorting perceptions of others to buoy performance in sport and other
is no match for cultivating fields may increase receptivity to threats
true empathy and may lead to and unfavourable feedback, which could
misinterpretation of others’ help indemnify against the fallouts of
emotions and intentions. negative self-evaluation.

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[ CREATE ]
Brainstorm Side
soundtrack affect
Brainstorming in silence may lead
to poorer creative cognition than Just because you’re not using
brainstorming with music, according to Skype or FaceTime doesn’t
an international study. Researchers from mean you can get away
Radboud University in the Netherlands with your grumpy face. So
and the University of Technology Sydney sensitive are listeners to facial
asked participants to listen to various expression, they can identify
types of music or silence while carrying smile type from speech,
out divergent and convergent creative University of Portsmouth
thinking tasks. Listening to happy music, researchers have reported.
which they defined as classical music that Even without visual cues, the
is positive in valence and high in arousal, position and tension of lips
facilitates more divergent creative thinking and eyes could communicate
compared to silence. vast information and cues,
24
including things you thought
you got away with.
180 Motivation
If the tactics you use to coax yourself to enact a new behaviour
try these smiles
• open smile/duchenne smile
start to fall flat, it might signal progress rather than falling – Lips drawn back, cheeks
off the wagon. While in early stages of change, hopes and raised, crow’s-feet wrinkles
aspirations towards desired outcomes (technical term: promotion The average number around eyes, signals truth
motivation) serve as carrots, this is naturally superseded by a of minutes for an email and intensity
prevention motivation mindset, in which avoiding undesirable response from people • duchenne minus – Duchenne
outcomes and failure prevail, according to research in the Journal aged 35 to 50, according minus smiling eyes
of Consumer Psychology. In practice, it might mean saving for a to a paper measuring • suppressed smile – Pulling
house or a trip by getting a higher paying job or selling unwanted how incoming email lips in or down to hide a smile
items, while later, optimal tactics might include staying home for volume affects response
meals and cancelling Netflix. times. Age and gender
influenced average
response times, with 20-
to 35-year-olds leading
on 16 minutes while those
aged over 50 took 47
minutes. More than half
of respondents got back
within an hour and those
working from a laptop
took, on average, twice as
long to respond as those
using a mobile phone.
romantic
cognition
Trading the latest Dan Brown for romantic classics could
produce sudden bursts of activity by surprising the brain.
Shakespearean language excites positive brain activity due to a
linguistic technique known as functional shift, which involves
using a noun as a verb without compromising meaning,
University of Wales experts said. A side effect is a sudden
peak in brain activity as the brain wrestles with the change
in meaning, which forces the brain to work backwards to
comprehend the text.

[ BECOME ]
inbox intimAcy
It might seem impersonal, but an email can be more effective in expressing
romantic feelings than leaving a voicemail message. That’s the conclusion of a
study negating previous findings that voicemail was more intimate. New advice
accounts for digital natives, or those who feel at home in a digital environment. Using
psychophysiological measures from 72 college-age people, researchers found that
people who sent romantic emails were more emotionally aroused and used stronger
and more thoughtful language than those who left voicemails. “When writing
romantic emails, senders consciously or subconsciously added more positive content
to their messages, perhaps to compensate for the medium’s inability to convey vocal
tone,” the paper concluded.
sTaTus The skin

updaTe you’re in
audiT Who really likes what they see in the
mirror? While it may seem oxymoronic
Your social media status updates
against thin and fit ideals, it is possible
might reveal more about your
to accept your body, according to the
personality than you bargained
Florida State University professor
for. Using Big Five traits and
behind a program encouraging body
surveys, Brunel University
acceptance. “There’s a big gap between
researchers found that posts
what we’re shown as being ideal and
concerning a romantic partner
what to aspire to and where we actually
were common among those
are as a population,” said Pamela
with low self-esteem while diets,
Keel. “That leaves people feeling bad
exercise and accomplishments
about themselves, and, unfortunately,
populated updates by narcissists.
feeling bad about your body does not
actually motivate a person to pursue
• Low self-esteem – Status updates
healthy behaviour.”
about current romantic partner
Keel encourages women to consciously
• narcissistic – Updates decide between kowtowing to cultural
about their achievements and pressure and losing weight to appease
showcasing pursuits concerning dissonance, and ending disrespectful body
physical appearance – think diet talk. “…discarding those unattainable
and exercise body ideals also improves your mood,
• Conscientiousness – Updates self-esteem, reduces disordered eating
about one’s children. behaviours and may reduce the risk of
self-injurious behaviour,” said Keel.
Authenticity
Body image upgrade
Tactic: Mirror-exposure
detox
principle: Cognitive dissonance theory,
wherein behaviour opposes a negative attitude
as a means of destabilising it. “If you make
Adages encouraging self-truth have permeated the ages, but new research yourself consistently behave outwardly in a way
reveals a sense of toxicity when we fail to honour our perceived truth. that reinforces appreciation and acceptance of
Failing to live in accordance with one’s sense of self, emotions and values your body, then those actions will eventually get
may lead to feeling immoral and impure and a sense of violation, according you to a point where you actually do feel that
to research at Northwestern University. According to findings reported way about your body,” said Keel.
in journal Psychological Science, inauthenticity may prompt charitable do it: Stand in front of a full-length mirror in
behaviours as a means of cleansing or detoxifying from falseness felt to little or no clothing and identify specific positive
follow low generosity and cooperativeness. Psychological consequences of body traits. Ideally, praise focuses on the body’s
inauthenticity may be especially pronounced in contexts of performance, function – think ‘I really appreciate the way my
such as the workplace. legs take me wherever I need to go,’ said Keel.

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[ up close ]
The real
angel

“i feel sad for someone who has
ina
never known love. love elevates.”
Having long been

associated with a high-
profile beau, Angelina
Jolie has carved an
image as a doting
adoptive mother and
humanitarian whose
work with the UN has
earned global attention.
The actor celebrated
for her remarkable
beauty explains that
she’s driven by a desire
to deeply connect and
cultivate love.
Words: Jan Janssen
c2017 ViVa Press for Muse // PhotograPhy: Jordan Pix/getty iMages
US actress and UNHCR

special envoy and goodwill
ambassador Angelina Jolie
greets children during a
press conference at Al-
Azraq camp for Syrian
refugees on September 9,
2016, in Azraq, Jordan. Jolie
arrived at the camp and
visited Syrian families before
speaking to the media.

[ up close ]
A
ngelina Jolie has
rebounded from
her difficult split
from Brad Pitt with
a mix of resilience
and regret. Being a
single mother of six children would
be difficult under any circumstances
and she doesn’t hide her discomfort
in the wake of her filing for divorce
from Pitt after 12 years of marriage.
Long known for her indomitable
spirit and commitment to a variety
of humanitarian causes in her
capacity as a United Nations goodwill
ambassador, Jolie rarely admits to
sentimentality or regret. But life
without Brad is proving to be one of
the greatest challenges of her life.
“I don’t enjoy it. It’s not something
I wanted. There’s just nothing nice
about it. It’s just hard,” says Jolie. “It’s
been difficult to find the right balance
between my home life and my career.
At first I simply needed to focus on
looking after my children before
getting back to work. Every mother
knows how hard that is and I really
love being mummy. But my children That child turned out to be
are all behind me and that’s made Maddox, the eldest of Jolie’s six Maddox. The process of building a
things much easier...I have to get back children, who also worked on the large family together with Pitt helped
on track!” film alongside his mother as did rid her of her demons and experience
Jolie needed to muster “every his younger brother, Pax. Jolie is a sense of harmony that had seemed
ounce” of energy to direct First They particularly proud of how her children unattainable up until then.
Killed My Father, a moving story have grown ever closer together since “Having a family gives you greater
about a Cambodian family’s struggle their parents’ separation: clarity. You learn that the only things
to escape the genocidal slaughter “They have been amazing. It’s been which are meaningful is how much
carried out during the Khmer Rouge’s so moving to see how much they have love you can bring to your world and
notorious 1975–79 reign of terror. The helped each other, stood together – what you can do to build a happy life
film is based on the personal memoir the big brothers helping the little kids, for your children. It makes you forget
by Cambodian refugee Loung Ung, and all of them helping me. They have about all the selfish concerns you
now 47, whose eponymous book looks really come into their own during this might have had and which I had when
back at her experience as a five-year- time. They’re finding themselves and I was younger and not at all at ease
old girl whose family was forced to their voices.” with who I was and what I wanted
flee Phnom Penh when the Khmer The 42-year-old Jolie has a deep from life,” says Jolie.
Rouge invaded the city. sense of family. She still bears the “I’ve become a much softer and
The film has a deep personal psychological scars of her lifelong more open and happy person. Those
significance for Jolie. She was filming estrangement from her father, actor are sides of me that I just buried for so
Tomb Raider in Cambodia in 2001 Jon Voight, who abandoned her long and having children has taught
when she came across Ung’s book at mother, Marcheline Bertrand, when me so much about life, about being
a street market and was moved by Angie was a toddler. Jolie would grow more open to the world. I see myself
the harrowing tale. She subsequently up to become an angry teenager who becoming more like my mother, more
sought out the author, became would regularly cut herself as part nurturing and caring. That’s why I
fast friends with her, and sought of her angst-ridden state of mind. love my big family even though it
her advice as to whether it would Those feelings of insecurity and does get kind of crazy sometimes.
be appropriate for Jolie to adopt a lack of self-worth would plague her But that’s OK. You learn to love that
Cambodian boy. well into her late twenties until she controlled chaos.”
found greater purpose working on
behalf of the UNCHR and adopting

The real Angelina
“He earned that credit! We had had

the script already for a few years. and
Mad has known of Loung’s story his
whole life. I told him, ‘One day, son,
you’ll be ready, and you will tell me
when it’s time to go deeply into your With the adoption of, first, Maddox,
country. But I need your help (on this and later, Zahara (shortly after she
film). You have to do it with me.’ and Brad Pitt fell in love), Jolie
“And then the day came when embraced family life in a profound
he said, ‘I’m ready.’ And he was. I way that she never thought possible
made him go really deeply into the given her longstanding cynicism
research, daily work and the edit. about whether she could ever find
Mad was amazing, he actually really happiness as a wife and mother.
impressed me...I was able to say, you “I think (raising children) teaches
have a job, get over here, help me with you a lot about love and togetherness
this. I would say more notes, type it and a sense of shared purpose. You
up...he was great. Also because the stop living selfishly and your only
film is from a child’s point of view, it thoughts are about how you can help
was good to have somebody younger your children be happy and learn
(Photo by Paul best/getty iMages)
like Mad there to say, ‘You’re losing about the world. Adopting a child and
my attention.’” starting a family was an extension of
Jolie has long acknowledged all that because it meant that I was
Angelina Jolie attends that her world was irrevocably helping make someone’s life safe
the Telluride Film Festival changed when she started working and happy.
on September 2, 2017 in
Telluride, Colorado. for the United Nations in 2000. Her “(Motherhood) has been one of
humanitarian work in then war-torn the great surprises in my life. When I
Cambodia enabled her to break free of was younger I never imagined being
Her teenage children have helped a life that she felt lacked direction and a mother and then those maternal
Jolie deal with the transition to meaning. She likened her adolescence feelings really evolved and deepened
being a single parent. While on the to the feeling of being a caged animal. once I began adopting and started
Cambodian set of First They Killed “I used to cut myself or jump out living with Brad, which made me want
My Father, both Maddox, 16, and Pax, of airplanes, trying to find something to have children of our own.”
13, served as eager crew members. It new to push up against because She says that she was pleasantly
marked a special moment for their sometimes everything else felt too surprised by how readily Brad
proud mother. easy. I was searching for something embraced her desire for a big family,
“It was a joy because I want them deeper, something more. I tried at first adoptive, then followed by
to understand their world and be able everything. I always felt caged, closed three biological children of their own
to go out and live and make friends in in, like I was punching at things that in Shiloh, now 11, and nine-year-old
the world. Yes, we were working on weren’t there. I always had too much twins Vivienne and Knox. Observed
something important and I also want energy for the room I was in. Jolie in a 2012 interview:
them to have a strong work ethic but I “From a young age, I was searching “One of the most important things
was so proud when I looked over and for something to hold on to in terms that I learnt about Brad was how
saw Mad and Pax working with the of giving me a sense of purpose. When deeply involved he wanted to be as a
crew and creating something. I started working with UNESCO, parent. When he signed the adoption
“It was a natural process and I that fulfilled a great need for me to papers for Maddox and Zahara, that
think that it helped Mad to grow and be helping people and feeling that was when I knew that I would be with
evolve in a way that I couldn’t do I was doing something positive for him for the rest of my life.”
(for him). His country had to teach the world.” Those words become even more
him.... Mad was very involved in the painfully ironic when placed beside
production and Pax worked as set comments she made concerning
photographer on the film...I can’t tell their joint commitment to family:
you how much that meant to me.” “Brad and I both share that sense
Maddox, as a native Cambodian, of happiness when it comes to our
was keen on helping his mother tell family. It helps us stay connected
the story of his country’s journey and feeling that we’re taking this
through hell and is listed as an wonderful journey together with each
executive producer. Mum says he fully other and our children.”
deserved that recognition.

[ up close ]
There is still much speculation as to

the underlying causes of the breakdown of
Jolie’s marriage to Pitt. Jolie has indicated
that making the film By the Sea may have
exacerbated strains in their partnership that
been building over time; Pitt, for his part,
admitted in his only interview on the subject
that his drinking had spiralled out of control.
“I was boozing way too much.... (It had)
become a problem.”
After an incident aboard their private jet in
which Pitt was reportedly drunk and agitated,
Jolie filed for divorce. Although public
opinion seemed to turn on Angelina for having
carefully orchestrated the announcement via
People magazine, Pitt’s subsequent revelations
about his alcoholism and going through
therapy would seem to bear out Jolie’s side
of things.
Jolie may be saddened by her split from Pitt
but she is possessed of such an iron will that
nothing can ever truly derail her life. Eleven
years ago, she dealt with the untimely death
of her beloved mother, Marcheline, at age 56
PhotograPhy: Photo by Volkan furuncu/anadolu agency/getty iMages
from ovarian cancer.

After undergoing a DNA test that revealed
she had inherited her mother’s BRCA1 genetic
defect, which has an 87 per cent probability
of leading to breast cancer, Jolie underwent a
preventive double mastectomy in 2013 and the
subsequent removal of her ovaries in 2015.
Jolie was terrified at the prospect of
leaving her children without a mother and did
what she felt was necessary to improve her
chances of avoiding the cancer that had taken
her mother’s life. She is unequivocal in her
commitment to living up to her memories of
her own mother’s devotion to her.
“You put your children first and then
everything follows from that decision. My
mother was very devoted to me and my
brother. She sacrificed everything for us and as both mother and humanitarian. But one US actress and the UN
was the most generous human being you could might also be forgiven for wanting to believe refugee agency UNHCR
(United Nations High
ever wish for as a mother. in the possibility of a reconciliation between Commissioner for
“That’s what I hope to be for my children Angie and Brad, especially in light of recent Refugees) Special
although I know I will never be as good a rumours to that effect. There would be some Envoy Angelina Jolie
meets United Nations
mother as my own mother was for me. But consolation for a woman of such iron will and Secretary General
having experienced that level of love and clarity of purpose to be able to recapture that Antonio Guterres
caring makes you understand how much your spirit of love that she chased for so many years. (not seen) at United
Nation's building in New
children will appreciate your being there Her own words belie that hope. York, United States on
for them. That’s why it’s become harder and “I feel sad for someone who has never September 14, 2017.
harder for me to work on film projects which known love. Love elevates. You know, Brad
would force me to spend too much time away would joke about me having this conversation
from them. I love them so much and I feel I about love. Love? It’s such a funny word. Brad
need to be with them.” can find certain phrases of poetry for it. I’m
It would be very surprising if anything could terrible at it. But I know it means wanting
deter Jolie from her self-styled mission in life the best for the people you love, putting their
interests above your own, always. Love does
that. Love is what you live for.”

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[ UP CLOSE ]
JE NE SAIS
Juliette
With an alluring balance of provocative mystique and
easy affability, French actor Juliette Binoche personifies
the French allure cultural lore imagines as aligned with
romance and a refined sort of hedonism. But while
she eschews the ostentation and self-promotion of
Hollywood, the Academy Award-winning film star has
learned to open up and enjoy taking more risks. © 2017 VIVA PRESS UK FOR MUSE MAGAZINE // PHOTOGRAPHY: VITTORIO ZUNINO CELOTTO/GETTY IMAGES

[ UP CLOSE ]
J
me stronger. Whatever you go through in life
you have to take it as a learning process. That’s
uliette Binoche has always had the how I take things!... I had a sense that I was
ability to captivate audiences. Few alone and must learn to live my life for myself.”
actors are capable of the kind of That lack of family stability may account
emotional resonance she delivers for both her independent-minded spirit
with virtually every performance. and sceptical attitude towards love and
In the course of a remarkable career relationships. Apart from a series of brief,
that covers many classic films – The Unbearable high-profile romances with actors Daniel
Lightness of Being, The English Patient, Damage, Day-Lewis, Olivier Martinez, and Mathieu
Blue, Caché, et al – we have come to marvel at Amalric, Binoche has enjoyed two long-term
her unique gift for conveying both pathos and partnerships – with professional scuba diver
strong-willed intensity. She’s also managed the André Halle, with whom she has a 23-year-old
rare feat of achieving major success in both son, Raphael; and with Benoit Magimel, whom
her native France and in Hollywood while she met while they co-starred in Les Enfants
managing to remain an enigma on both sides of du Siècle (Children of the Century) (1999). They
the Atlantic. Binoche enjoys disappearing from have a 17-year-old daughter, Hana.
view between films and offers only isolated Binoche has remained close to both fathers
glimpses of her true personality. over the years, and is grateful that they have
“It’s not easy, the way I live my life and my helped look after her children, along with with
career, but it’s my way of being independent. a string of nannies, while she has maintained a
There is a sense of reticence I have about the very active career.
whole film-making machine. I do what I must Best known for her work in dramas, Binoche
on the red carpet and in the interview rooms has decided to shake things up of late by playing
PHOTOGRAPHY: VITTORIO ZUNINO CELOTTO/GETTY IMAGES

to promote my movies, but it’s not what I like in a series of comedies. The most ambitious of
to do.... I’m not anxious to reveal too much these films is Un beau soleil intérieure (Let the
about myself.” Sunshine In), directed by Claire Denis, which
In person, Binoche is much livelier than takes a serio-comic look at love.
her typically anguished screen self. She laughs In a role that bears some parallels to her own
easily, and prefers a spirited discussion to life, Binoche plays Isabelle, a divorced fifty-
obsequious banter. Though she speaks nearly something Parisian artist and mother searching
flawless English, Binoche is quintessentially for romantic fulfillment. Despite her habit of
French in every other respect. She enjoys being consistently choosing the wrong man, she still
both provocative and just a little mysterious, has faith in the possibility of finding true love.
someone whose serious expression quickly Binoche acknowledges that her character’s
gives way to a hearty laugh. plight struck a chord within her.
“I went through some personal struggles “I think we’re all desperate to love. Isabelle’s
Ralph Fiennes, Kristin
in my twenties but over time you begin to see life is a disaster. She’s fragile, but that’s what Scott Thomas and
your life more clearly. I’ve also learned to open makes her strong. She’s also daring, sexual Juliette Binoche take a
myself up more and enjoy taking more risks.” and not afraid of her femininity. As an actor, selfie on the red carpet
for The English Patient
The daughter of Parisian artist-intellectuals I always try to find that weak spot, that place
Monique Stalens, an actress turned drama where the character has to protect herself from
teacher, and Jean-Marie Binoche, a theatre the things that are too painful.”
director and sculptor, Binoche spent much Binoche believes that such an idealistic way
of her youth being shuttled around to of approaching love is fundamentally wrong-
various relatives. headed, however. “In my view, the idea of one
Following her parents’ divorce when she great love is a rather strange way of looking at
was four, Juliette and her sister Marion were life. It depends on who you meet. And Isabelle
dispatched to a boarding school on the outskirts has experienced love; she has fulfilled the
of Paris and the experience led her to develop
a wary, inward-looking sensibility. She also
long since learned to forgive her mother for not
being able to make a home for her.
“It’s not easy, the way I live my life
“Oh, it was a very difficult time for her. It and my career, but it’s my way of
was not easy to send your children to boarding
school. But that was the only way. She was being independent. There is a sense of
divorcing, and then she went back to university
– she had to live a life! I’m not… I have no anger.
reticence I have about the whole film-
I lacked attention, probably, but I think it made making machine.”
Je ne sais Juliette
conventional expectations of getting married

and having a baby. But at some point she is no
longer happy and is in need of independence you accept that, then you can start having fun
from romantic conventions. in life.”
“Many people might see that as a defeat. First screening in the prestigious
Finding oneself on the ground in this way may Directors’ Fortnight section at the Cannes
be painful, but it is not necessarily something Film Festival in May 2017, the film attracted
bad. It also has to do with truth. Leaving additional attention for a nude sex scene
behind illusions is part of the game.” involving Binoche.
The French actress is convinced that men Although she’s appeared naked several
and women are often led astray by cultural times in the course of the nearly 60 films, and
conditioning and overly idealistic notions that rather memorably so in her stunning screen
posit ‘true love’ as a goal. breakthrough at age 21 in André Techiné’s
“We are taught from an early age to believe Rendez-vous, it’s not an obvious choice at this
that we are princes and princesses and that this point in her career.
fairy tale romance is out there waiting for us. “I agreed to make this journey for the
It’s not true. Come on, if we think about it, don’t character even though it’s hard to expose your
we recall all those times where we feel jealous, body in your fifties, you know? I also did it in
betrayed and angry? Love has a way of turning Sils Maria [where she goes skinny-dipping into
us into animals and that’s ridiculous most of a lake]...but it’s not easy. But on a film set you
the time. The truth is that the prince does not have to trust the director otherwise you will not
exist, and neither are there princesses. When let go and you will end up not being credible.

[ UP CLOSE ]
“If you are tense, if you want to have

everything under control, you end up losing
yourself. And it’s a pity. The secret of the
beauty of a naked body, whether you’re 20 or
50, is precisely the sense of abandonment. You
have to trust in each other, and let yourself go
without inhibitions because you believe in the
project and in the director.
“In this case, Claire Denis, the director of Let
the Sunshine In, only wanted to make me more
beautiful. For an actress then there is nothing
like a director who loves you, who knows
perfectly what you are feeling, and tells you
with her eyes: ‘Do not be afraid, I am here.’”
Binoche is one of the most highly regarded
actors of her generation and is more in demand
today than ever. She has worked with several
PHOTOGRAPHY: PASCAL LE SEGRETAIN/GETTY IMAGES FOR BVLGARI

of the world’s outstanding auteur directors
including Abbas Kiarostami (Certified
Copy), Jean-Luc Godard (Hail Mary), David
Cronenberg (Cosmopolis), Krzysztof Kieslowski
(Blue), and Michael Haneke (Caché). Along the
way, she’s won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar
for Anthony Minghella’s The English Patient
and a César for Kieslowski’s Blue.
Destiny played a large part in endowing
her with a supreme gift for conveying deep
emotions. Acting was a natural progression for
Binoche, whose father often took her with him
for his performances and she would watch him
“Once love becomes a possession,

rapt-eyed from backstage.
“My father was a mime artist, and he
did shows wearing masks and I was used
to imitating him. I was 10 years old and
in the sense of trying to own it and
performing sketches with my friends, so it control it, it vanishes. ”
was part of me, I was more extroverted than
introverted. I wanted to be in my father's shoes Juliette Binoche her former partners, though she steadfastly
and make people laugh,” she recalls. attends a BVLGARI declines to identify him. (We won’t either.) She
press dinner during a
In addition to her work in Let the Sunshine four-day BVLGARI believes that mastering the art of love comes
In, Binoche doubles down on her lighter side Brand Event on June 1, down to “giving up one’s illusions” about it and
in Bruno Dumont’s Slack Bay (Ma Loute), 2016 in Monaco. yielding to its inherently elusive nature.
co-starring Fabrice Luchini and Valeria “Life is often like that: You end a
Bruni-Tedeschi. Having previously starred relationship, or believe that something is
in Dumont’s biographical drama Camille ending between you and another person even
Claudel 1915, she jumped at the chance to play if you haven’t separated yet, and you hope that
a free-spirited woman in this wicked satire some new love might be waiting for you.... You
of the French bourgeoisie that is set in the cannot control love, even though it’s difficult to
early 1900s. accept that.
“My family knows me as someone who loves “Once love becomes a possession, in the
to laugh, unlike the impression audiences tend sense of trying to own it and control it, it
to have of me because of all the very serious vanishes. For me this has been a very hard
roles I’ve played. In Ma Loute it was such a joy lesson to learn and to accept. As a young
for me to play a very extravagant and over-the- woman I had the desire to keep everything
top personality and what I really liked is that under control, including love. But over the
Bruno told all the actors in the film to perform years I’ve come to understand that love is
in the (exaggerated) style of actors working the something more about giving, letting go, and
early days of French silent cinema.” being willing to give up your illusions about
In her private life, Binoche admits to having it and also to accept losing it. Love is a painful
recently renewed a relationship with one of but beautiful journey.”

“The meeTing of Two personaliTies
is like The conTacT of Two chemical
subsTances: if There is any reacTion,
boTh are Transformed.”
– c.g. Jung
[ Spectrum ]
Ash NAyAte
Ash Nayate
Muse Neuropsychologist
Gratitude riGhts
A
ccording to Thesaurus.com, appreciation is a synonym
for love. It is also synonymous with one of psychology’s
worthiest buzzwords, gratitude, or explicitly acknowledging
feeling fortunate or enriched. Research has shown that gratitude 2. Apply gratitude to problems
can improve physical health, hasten recovery from illness, boost It’s counterintuitive to consider pausing to appreciate anything mid-
immunity, extend longevity, reduce psychological distress, and even deadline or traffic jam, but the daily stressors and frustrations of life
alleviate mental illness. can cause our thinking to become distorted. A lane closure feels
Yet gratitude is unlikely to happen on its own as a by-product of like the end of the world and that email from the CEO provokes
living. While we might indeed have a sense of feeling fortunate for our inclination to resign on the spot. Under the influence of stress
certain factors in our life, such recognition is likely lost amid to-do and anger, we lose the ability to see a way out of our problems and
lists and, possibly, complaints about the things that annoy us. become trapped in them, blindfolded. Practising gratitude can
Rather than something merely felt, gratitude may be better effectively remove the blindfold and reveal a path out. Of course,
described as a practice and a skill – like meditation or yoga. As we gratitude doesn’t change anything about the external situation. The
actively perform it consistently, we become more proficient and it road is still congested and we still have to deal with the email, but
begins to feel more natural and require less conscious effort. Where gratitude imparts new perspective, providing solutions we mightn’t
gratitude differs from, say, yoga is that practising it actually goes otherwise consider, equipping us to deal more effectively with
against our brain’s natural inclination to scan problems. Knee-jerk reactions are replaced by
the environment for potential dangers – a thoughtful, rational responses.
hangover from pre-modern times – rather the more we are
than things it can celebrate. The brain is 3. Pay it forward
more easily commandeered by fear and able to appreciate Amid memes imploring ‘self-love’ and
worry than by gratitude. Which means that the small things we articles warning of endemic narcissism, not to
to reap the benefits of consistently feeling may otherwise fail to mention so-called ‘tall-poppy syndrome’, the
truly grateful for what we have, we may idea of appreciating ourselves is somewhat
need to endure initial discomfort, much notice, the more likely bound by undesirable associations. It’s an
the same as with any new habit, which, with we are to experience ironic disincentive for those whose self-regard
persistence, soon becomes second nature. contentment and is lacking and who already try to minimise
their strengths and discount successes, since
three wAys to kick-stArt life satisfaction. self-deprecation can fuel a downward spiral
your grAtitude hAbit: into a greater sense of inadequacy and
1. Make your habits work for you even anxiety or depression. Yet appreciating ourselves doesn’t
New habits can be more quickly ingrained if we associate them need to involve demonstrating our worth overly. Rather, greater
with an existing habit – perhaps something like brushing your self-regard can be indirectly cultivated by focusing on someone
teeth or having a morning cuppa. During those few minutes in the else or others, through acts of altruism. In fact, altruism has been
bathroom or waiting for the kettle to boil, contemplate five things shown to buffer clinical depression by providing greater meaning
you appreciate in your life. Try to focus on emotive aspects, which in life and opposing self-deprecation. Simply helping someone else
activate the emotional experience of gratitude (simply thinking one without expecting anything in return – whether carrying an elderly
is thankful for catching the earlier train lacks the power of imagining neighbour’s shopping or volunteering with a charity – makes us feel
your child flinging their arms around your neck). Importantly, great, partly because when we’re fully focused on someone else,
emphasise simple, ordinary experiences rather than lavish or one- we tend to stop ruminating on our shortcomings. In turn, we begin
off ones. The more we are able to appreciate the small things we to view ourselves as kind, generous, unselfish contributors to the
may otherwise fail to notice, the more likely we are to experience greater good.
contentment and life satisfaction.

[ spectrum ]
Sarah McMahon
Sarah McMahon
Muse Body Image Expert
Face value
C
inderella. Snow White. Frozen. While ostensibly they’re
joined by common emphasis on benevolence and moral
rigour, the fairy tales we grew up with preempt and reinforce
a plotline that works against finding love and loving ourselves.
According to this script, what is beautiful is good, and what is good
always ‘wins’ in the end – which in fairy tales usually means the
beauty finding true love while the ugly villain is caricatured as a
loser left to rot.
It reflects a precedent prescribed at a societal level: that The characteristics that make us laugh or stir our passion for
attractive people will be partnered up and live happily ever after music or art or politics serve a more fundamental function than
(and those who deviate from current beauty standards will not). cosy nights reading Sartre together by the fire suggest. Beyond
Subliminal messaging in the form of Disney movies and dolls the gratification of sharing interests, we tend to seek out partners
moulds our thinking on this topic from well before we would whose values and experience align with ours (the psychological
otherwise consider it and may underscore subtext is that if they are just like us, we must
enduring pursuit of ‘beauty’. Unfortunately, be wonderful too)!
for all the wonder and magic of the tales
themselves, they peddle a wildly unrealistic
attractive Perhaps unsurprisingly, from an evolutionary
perspective, the permissions of Tinder and
version of reality – where people with varying individuals are FaceTime haven’t markedly altered a known
levels of attractiveness and intelligence have perceived as pattern of selecting partners who live within
partners and are happy!
So what does determine partner selection
possessing a variety a short drive or walk. It’s still not possible to
procreate by Skype.
in the real world? There’s no doubt physical of positive attributes As far as personal attributes, there are
attractiveness has social currency. Attractive that improve how ideals, but they’re not ones found in fairy tales.
individuals are perceived as possessing a
variety of positive attributes that improve
desirable they are as Among personality characteristics considered
desirable, competence and warmth are
how desirable they are as partners – despite partners – despite considered most important.
their bone structure. Yet while there is some their bone structure. Another truism lacking in the Brothers
merit in the notion of ‘objective beauty’ and Grimm version of life is that partner choice
factors like facial symmetry represent universal is thought to rely largely on what’s known as
consensus, statistically we are inclined to select partners with ‘biological market theory’. It contends that individuals with greater
comparable attractiveness to our own. ‘market value’ are better placed to translate their preference into
We also tend to select partners who are similar in other ways – choice. It might sound callous or conjure images of a caste system
from height to intelligence and body weight. Research suggests (or The Bachelor), but reassuringly, a free market means there will
that this too is unconsciously preselected, since similar gene pools always be a pool of prospective partners who are similar to us.
(so-called ‘assortive mating’) maximise the likelihood that our traits Beyond that, even the most advanced resonance imaging and
will be passed to our offspring. rigorous anthropology are yet able to articulate what makes it feel
so right – but they can categorically rule out beauty. As the poet
Kahlil Gibran said, “And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.”

WHERE’S YOUR HAPPY PLACE?
[ spectrum ]
Dr Suzy Green
Dr Suzy Green
Muse Positive Psychology Expert
Love after Love…

M
odern social imaginings of Valentine’s Day seem to have
limited the scope of celebrations to those in partnerships,
but whether you’re coupled or single, the day may be
an opportunity to celebrate all the types of love that hold our Let Love in
relationships with others and ourselves. One of my favourite poems The character strength of love incorporates both the capacity to love
by Derek Walcott says ‘…you will love again the stranger who was your and to be loved. In my professional work with clients over the years,
self…give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you accepting love and letting it in can be one of the most challenging
all your life, whom you ignored for another…’ And don’t forget the aspects of love and loving relationships. The tendency to block love,
importance of recognising the love you feel for a pet, who loves you which often happens unconsciously, often stems from emotional
unconditionally. The field of positive psychology has elevated love baggage from childhood or failed relationships. We might feel
from an afterthought in psychological study unworthy of love and find it hard to believe
to a lead role. You don’t need to subscribe to and accept that someone can love us, or we
commercial aspects – although a nice dinner In my professional may be afraid that if we let love in, we’ll only be
never goes astray – but there are legitimate
benefits in celebrating what may be renamed
work with clients hurt – again! Why not use this day to scrutinise
your love style and curiously explore any barriers
as ‘love day’. If you do nothing else on love day, over the years, you have or suspect you may have? If you are
spend some time reflecting on the relationships accepting love and repeating past patterns, why not begin the path
in your life, at work, and in your personal life.
In what ways could you express more love or
letting it in can be to self-acceptance – a precursor to receiving
love – by seeking professional assistance to work
loving kindness in these relationships? To quote one of the most through residual issues? Visit psychology.com.au
Jack Kornfield, ‘as your heart opens firstly to challenging aspects to search psychologists.
loved ones and friends, you will find in the end
you won’t want to close it anymore’. And don’t
of love and loving rethink Love
write off a lavish lunch for one or a bunch of relationships. Professor Barbara Fredrickson, author of Love
flowers sent to yourself – or someone else you’d 2.0, argues that love is not what we think it is –
like to know ‘life is better because you’re in it’. with the backing of scientific evidence. Far from a
homogeneous, enduring, perpetual emotion bestowed on a fortunate
LeveraGe Love aS a character StrenGth few, who slip seamlessly from love at first sight or destiny to death do
‘Capacity to love and be loved’ is one of 24 character strengths us part, love is what Fredrickson calls a ‘micro-moment of positivity
identified through scientific research at viacharacter.org. It is also one of resonance’. In her view, love is a connection characterised by a flood of
the ‘golden five’, meaning one of the character strengths most integral positive emotions, shared with any other person – not just a romantic
to wellbeing. While it mightn’t be one of your ‘signature strengths’ (the partner. Far more democratic than the eulogised love, which is
top five), research has shown that we can cultivate more love and/or supposed to be timeless and unconditional, these micro-moments can
loving kindness towards others no matter what our love baseline (for be shared with a colleague, close friend or child as much as with your
me, it is not a top strength but is a core life value to which I consciously romantic partner. Consider using this month to create micro-moments
commit). This month, look for creative opportunities to express your of love with everyone you meet!
love – think a hand-written love letter or home-made meal, which may
mean even more to your loved one(s) than a gift or Chef Hat dinner.

[ spectrum ]
NadiNe CameroN
Nadine Cameron
Muse Philosophy Expert
photographic affection
I
n considering how to approach the theme ‘love’, I was reminded
of the recent Love exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria,
where I had been invited to present on a range of works that
took my fancy. The exhibition was captivating and considered the
full spectra of love, from the romantic kind through to religious
devotion, patriotism and compassion.
One such object was a piece of mourning jewellery from the This historical modus operandi makes for an intriguing contrast
late 18th century. Mourning jewellery became popular, among with increasing disconnection from our bodies as social media and
those able to afford it, from the mid-17th century on and was image editing tools foster undue emphasis on the surfaces of our
originally designed around traditional memento mori iconography, bodies. Contemporary Irish philosopher Richard Kearney laments
incorporating skulls and hourglasses and generalised images of that we are entering into a period of ‘excarnation’ in which we
mortality. This particular piece – a pendant – are obsessing over the body in increasingly
however, provided a more personal take on disembodied ways. We are out of touch
mourning: a woman weeping over an urn and, with ourselves beneath the surface; to the
below her, a scroll that read: ‘With mutual love point where we lack awareness of a variety of
our heart did burn, and now my tears bedews What really grabbed physical and emotional needs. We don’t realise
[sic] his urn’. me, though, was the that this or that feeling is the body ‘telling us’
What really grabbed me, though, was
the visceral aspect of this memento; its
visceral aspect of it wants to exercise, or that we are anxious
or despairing.
containment of the hair of the deceased. And this memento; its Further disrupting the natural connection
the fact that the piece was intended to be containment of the between sensory cues and affective states
worn right against the skin. It reminded me
that for much of history it has been taken for
hair of the deceased. is the rise of dating apps in lieu of seeing
someone across the dance floor and feeling
granted that to know someone – certainly the flutter (or not) as you appraise their
enough to be in love with them or feel whole embodied being. Now, people can
bonded with them – is to have been in close spend a long time looking at someone’s static
proximity to them. appearance before they get to interact with them in the flesh – if
Love, generally speaking, is pretty engaging of all the senses. they meet them at all.
It’s not just our lover’s appearance that captivates us; it’s the sound I’m curious about how this kind of disembodied communication
of their voice. It’s their scent. Individuals who develop anosmia – impacts how we love, what we love, what signals we depend on to
loss of smell – often report falling out of love with their partners feel that we can love someone or that they can love us (surely, a
overnight. We know that touch matters. We can communicate mere emoticon isn’t persuasive, although I fear that it sometimes is).
up to six emotions through touch alone, and the touch of a loved Also called into question is whether new communication methods
one can increase our expression of oxytocin, a feel good hormone. and disembodied relations diminish the responsibility we feel we
So it makes very good sense that someone would want to have owe someone when we haven’t encountered them in the material
fragments from a loved one’s own body close to them – even after world. Can we still say we love someone if we feel we can dispense
their death. with them via a text message?
By grounding us in the material world, an object like a
memento mori brings us back to the importance of connecting
physically. What would you design as a mourning pendant – or
celebration pendant for that matter – that contained a material
fragment of a loved one? And what is it that you would be
seeking to remember, exactly?


www.jasminealexa.com
[ MInd space ]
self-reflection:
the art
and
science Words: Gabrielle Chariton

T
he mirror: a vehicle for This uneasy relationship with the
reflection, purveyor mirror often remains: when we regard
of truth and master ourselves in the looking-glass, we see
of illusion – familiar, and are able to then share and reflect ourselves not for who we truly are,
strange, loved and these with others as we grow and move but as we assume others would see us.
reviled in equal through life. We’re suddenly aware of being judged
measure. Our relationship with the While the mirroring of caregivers on our visible, external selves. We self-
mirror is impossibly intimate, often gives a child its first sense of self, the objectify; we become self-conscious.
troubled, yet inextricably entwined full realisation of our individuality
with our sense of who we are. happens when we first learn to PresenTaTion
This shiny piece of glass toys with recognise ourselves in the looking- and conTrol
our emotions and our behaviour. We glass. This cognitive milestone This self-consciousness, it is argued,
turn to it for assurance and it soothes generally occurs between the ages of 15 is central to the human experience.
us or disappoints us. Our reflected and 24 months, and signals the ability “We care how we look,” writes Rochat.
self is ephemeral, altered by lighting, to distinguish ourselves as separate “This simple proposition defines us
the shape of the glass; coloured by our from those around us – a fundamental as a uniquely self-conscious species.
own emotional state and what we tell step in becoming a social being. No other animals dwell on appearance
ourselves we’re seeing. And yet it’s so Even as adults we require positive like we do.” He goes on to point out:
difficult to call any mirror out in a lie; mirroring. When we look to the faces “If we care how we look, it is primarily
we’re conditioned to believe that its of loved ones, our feelings are affirmed for social reasons.... We care about
truth is unfailing. in their reflected expressions, words how we look with others in mind. It
The looking-glass is the window to and actions. We feel secure and is a deliberate attempt at controlling
our physical selves; the people around validated, and in turn can share this how others perceive us, how we
us and the wider world will mirror our positivity with others. The same can project the self to the outside world.”
internal selves. We use these mirrors be said of what we reflect back onto At the most basic level, we need the
in synchrony to recognise ourselves, our mirror-selves: are we maintaining looking-glass to guide us in our self-
to define ourselves, and sometimes to our identity and sense of self-worth presentation, and to reassure us that
find ourselves. with sympathetic mirroring, or are we our outward appearance is sending
critical and dismissive? the right visual information about
The beginnings of Tara Well, an associate professor of ourselves to those around us. A British
self-awareness psychology at Barnard College in New study commissioned by Simple
Our first mirrors, as tiny infants, are York, has been researching a mirror skincare in 2012 showed that women
our immediate caregivers; the people meditation technique that is based on check their reflections around eight
who hold us and gaze at us and reflect the concept of positively mirroring times a day, mostly to touch up their
our emotions back to us with love and ourselves. “When I teach mirror hair and makeup. A similar survey in
interest. According to psychoanalyst meditation, I encourage people to 2015 had women checking in with the
Donald Winnicott, our sense of self look not at the flaws of the person mirror up to 16 times a day – and men
is not innate, but is acquired through they see in the mirror, but to look into 23 times.
the process of ‘mirroring’ that occurs the eyes of the person who is suffering Autumn Whitefield-Madrano,
within nurturing interactions with in the receiving of this unkind, and author of Face Value: The Hidden
others. Positive mirroring, Winnicott sometimes even cruel, self-scrutiny.” Ways Beauty Shapes Women’s Lives,
says, forms the foundation for a stable Over time, she says, this helps us describes this mirror-checking
sense of self and allows an infant to feel “relax self-criticism and develop as “surveillance”. “The mirror
worthy of love. kinder self-awareness”. is a quest for control,” she says.
Most paradigms comprising However, the very mechanics “Control over the image we present
psychology and psychiatry nod to a behind visual self-recognition lead to to the world…control over fitting the
variation on the thesis that babies’ the realisation that we are seen and beauty standard, to a degree. Mostly
emergent sense of self is nurtured and viewed by others; an experience that though, [mirror] surveillance is an
allowed to flourish in the reflected French philosopher Maurice Merleau- effort to carefully control our ideas
gaze of their caregivers. Without the Ponty described as disconcerting. about ourselves.”
affirming influence of mirroring at this Philippe Rochat, Professor of
crucial stage of development, a child is Psychology at Emory University,
unable to sufficiently organise its sense elaborates on Merleau-Ponty’s
of identity. It is through mirroring analysis of mirror self-experience thus:
that we learn to regulate and integrate “When seeing myself in the mirror, I
emotions – happiness, sadness, love – am seeing myself as others see me….
In fact, not only am I seeing myself as
others see me, I am also seeing myself
as if I was an other.”

[ MInd space ]
a broader, more destructive level. Our

culture, rather than nurturing us with
positive reinforcement, is reflecting
back fictional images of physicality to the body responds to this reality.
PercePTion and realiTy which we must aspire, the overriding What this tells us is that what
According to mid-century message being that appearances are we see in the mirror – or what we
psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, we everything, and if we don’t measure think we see in the mirror – our
spend our lives seeking our ‘ideal I’ up physically, we don’t measure up brain reads as reality. And herein
in the mirror: that there’s an ever- full-stop. lies their immense power. In 2013,
present disconnect between the an American woman named Belinda
reality of what we see (what we are), oPTical delusions Jasmine suddenly discovered that
and what we imagine ourselves to be It’s a commonly held misconception her bedroom mirror was making
(what we wish to see). The concept that the mirror never lies. But as her appear heavier and shorter than
is illustrated in studies showing that magicians and illusionists have known she was. “It was distorting my image
the presence of a mirror in a room for centuries, the mirror is in fact an and negatively affecting how I felt
will alter the occupants’ behaviour in instrument of supreme deception. It about my body,” she writes. The
positive ways: they’ll work harder, be works in cunning synchrony with light realisation that she had been ‘tricked’
more helpful, less likely to succumb and shadow and angles to conceal, by her mirror drove her to create the
to stereotype-based judgementalism. reveal, and reflect fanciful versions of ‘Skinny Mirror’ – a looking-glass that,
The mirror encourages us to be our reality back into our gullible eyes. with just a slight warp of its surface,
best selves: to strive towards the ideal. Consider the ground-breaking use visually slims the reflection.
But what happens when striving of mirror therapy in medicine, which “When I first saw my reflection
towards the ‘ideal’ or ‘best self’ can help alleviate phantom limb in the Skinny Mirror prototype…I
becomes more about how we look pain in amputees. The amputated stood up taller, felt more attractive…I
than how we think, act and treat limb is visually replaced with a actually liked what I saw in the
others? As we place more and more reflection, which tricks the brain mirror,” Jasmine writes on
value on the aesthetic component of into thinking the limb is still present. her website.
ourselves, with the ‘ideal’ airbrushed This technique is also used to help Fast-forward several years and
to unnatural, unattainable perfection, stroke patients regain movement. The the Skinny Mirror is now showing
we find ourselves in danger of the mechanics behind it are complicated, in a shop fitting room near you.
mirror becoming our enemy. but, essentially, the brain sees the Why? Because seeing that slimmed-
“Our diet culture and the world affected limb moving, pain free, and down version of yourself has been
being so appearance-obsessed means
that from a very young age we kind
of go outside our body and start
scrutinising our appearance,” says
Sydney-based clinical psychologist
and creator of Untrapped.com.au,
Louise Adams. In this situation,
the mirror is allowed to dictate our
emotions: if the disconnect between
our appraisal of our reflected image
and our imagined ideal is too large, we
experience dissatisfaction.
The idealised aesthetic, the outer,
has become intertwined with how we
measure our inner worth as a person.
“As females, we’re socialised that our
appearance is our worth,” says Adams.
“If we think we look good, we feel like
we are good. Our self-esteem is high
if our body image is high and our self-
esteem is low if our body image is low.”
It could be argued that this
dissatisfaction with our reflected
selves, and the urge to base our
self-worth purely on what can be
seen in the mirror, is a symptom of
Winnicott’s mirroring gone awry – at

self-reflection: the art and science
scientifically proven to loosen your

purse strings. A 2014 study conducted
in Sweden by Linn Gustafsson
revealed that women who tried on
underwear and swimmers in front of a
Skinny Mirror purchased 20 per cent
more than the women whose fitting
rooms had a ‘normal’ mirror.
While the Skinny Mirror is a
relative newcomer to the retail
landscape, consumer psychology
specialist Dr Cathrine Jansson-Boyd
says this kind of visual chicanery has
been going on for decades, with clever
marketeers hanging fitting room
mirrors on a slight angle, artfully lit to
smooth and elongate our reflections.
So why is this sales technique so
effective? “The [slim-illusion mirrors]
basically make us see what we want to While the image will be different
see,” says Jansson-Boyd. “Most people to the one we habitually view at
go and buy new clothes because home, we are the only ones telling state; and two, as a tool to enhance
they want to look attractive and they ourselves that this version is in fact my actual appearance, sort of a
also have a need to believe that they the better one. We are so beholden technical usage (like, it’s hard to put
are attractive. The Skinny Mirror to the physical ‘ideal’ that’s reflected on liquid eyeliner without it). “In the
therefore reinforces their own self- back at us from every shiny screen years since [the mirror fasts], that’s
concept and temporarily makes them and surface that we unconsciously been the number-one takeaway I’ve
feel better.” In other words, it gives us reinforce it when self-mirroring. had – affirming that the mirror is
a tantalising glimpse of our – albeit an indicator of something beyond a
culturally informed – ‘ideal’ self. reflecTion mere reflection. If I have a day where
It should be noted that what’s seen v objecTificaTion I feel like I look particularly bad – or
in the Skinny Mirror is still our self. Sometimes we can’t appreciate, or particularly good – I understand it as
fully understand, the true value of an indicator, not as a sentence in and
something until it’s been taken away. of itself…I know not to place too much
In May 2011, Whitefield-Madrano stock in the feelings I had projected
embarked on the first of two month- onto it before the experiment. I know
long mirror ‘fasts’, motivated by a that whatever truth lies within those
desire to reduce her feelings of self- feelings or reactions isn’t a truth
consciousness. about how I actually look.”
So what happens when you take For all its mystique, the mirror is
away the mirror? Whitefield-Madrano nothing more than a passive observer
made some surprising discoveries. She of our daily lives. We are the ones who
realised she doesn’t have to “strive to ascribe importance and meaning to
look pretty every minute”; she wore what it reflects back at us. Just as every
her glasses more and makeup less. “I mirror will tell us a slightly different
rarely felt pretty or unpretty; I just story, it’s also true that the same mirror
didn’t care as much.” will reflect back different versions of
However, she also missed the ourselves on any given day: what we
“private joy of observing myself in are feeling inside translates to what we
a certain light”, and seeing herself see on the outside.
dressed up in a favourite outfit. The As Whitefield-Madrano suggests,
self-objectification of the mirror, should we attempt to seek validation
it turns out, can also be a source in the mirror, we would be wise to
of pleasure. place more value on our reflection’s
More importantly, though, ability to describe our emotional state
the experiment gave her a new rather than allowing the mirror to
perspective on how to use mirrors. dictate it.
“One, as a portal to a momentary,
unspoken truth about my emotional

[ MInd space ]
Through The
looking glass
Psychotherapist Martha Crawford reflects on the
mirror metaphor for growth and self-discovery.
Words: Martha CraWford
W
e all know
the story of
Narcissus, and
the dangers
of falling too
deeply in
self-love, mesmerised by our own
reflection. And we all know that fairy
tales warn us of the black arts of
deceptive mirrors, which seduce us
into the belief that we are indeed the
“fairest of them all”.
Psychoanalytic theory has wrestled For those with depressed, absent, healthy assertiveness, the child may
with the idea of the reflected self distracted or indifferent caretakers, perpetually hold bitterness, sadism
– and the hunger we all have to see the first glimpse of ourselves may and abrasiveness that cannot be
ourselves accurately and completely. be anxious, disrupted, hopeless or discharged – cue rage in place of
The need to gaze at ourselves is fragmentary. And some cannot find assertiveness – except by reactivation
simultaneously labelled as narcissistic themselves there at all. in later therapy.
disease while the same mirroring gaze Mothering and mirroring are In Kohut’s model, the
is the cure itself. archetypal functions entangled psychotherapist creates an
Self-involvement, self-regard, self- and intertwined long before opportunity for a corrective
love, self-awareness, self-negation, psychoanalysis conflated them. Over experience by assuming transferred
self-esteem, selfishness and self- time, early caretakers wield their responsibility for these mirroring
reflection – our fascination with parental power with “an increasing needs – as a self-object that helps
mirrors speaks to our archetypal selectivity of responses”. As the to repair and integrate distorted
hunger to see ourselves in both a mother’s face-mirror shifts from or unmirrored aspects of the self.
flattering and an accurate light, our admiring to disappointing, approving The therapist offers an accepting,
fear of what we may find, the tricks to disapproving, flattering to shaming, admiring gaze, one that allows
and dangers that lurk through the it prunes our sense of our own the client to shed the distorting
looking-glass and the wish to know strengths and weaknesses, and helps us self-representations left over
realities that require the aid of the to assemble a socialised self – a mask, from being raised surrounded by
reflecting glass. a false self, a persona to introduce funhouse mirrors.
For without such reflections we ourselves to the world. For Kohut, the need for
cannot begin to know ourselves at all. The first experience of a healthy self-mirroring objects,
disapproving mirror casts us from the accurate enough, even through
relaTionshiP as mirror garden, initiates us into the processes its imperfections, is lifelong.
The first literal and metaphorical of repression and introduces us to Psychotherapies that span a lifetime
mirror we encounter is ‘the gleam in sin and shame. The most destructive are not seen as failed, but as necessary
the mother’s eye’ – a glimpse of our energies within us must first be met compensations for our ongoing need
infant selves, feeding, reflected in the with some approval for their self- to see and accept ourselves as we are
dark pupil of a care provider. For those preserving, evolutionary function in over time.
lucky enough to first see themselves order for us to integrate them into our
in an eye-mirror that is smiling, own self-image, and learn to modulate
admiring, bonded, and loving our them and use them effectively.
most primordial sense of self will be According to self-psychology
surrounded in adoration and security. pioneer Heinz Kohut, if the parental
self-object (mother) can’t joyfully
mirror the child’s fledgling and

Self-reflection: the art and science
“i am silver and exact. i have no

preconceptions. Whatever you see i swallow
immediately Just as it is, unmisted by love or
dislike. i am not cruel, only truthful,
the eye of a little god, four-cornered….”
– sylvia Plath, ‘Mirror’
fear, and judgement which caused

those self-states to find themselves
banished to the mirror-lands to
begin with. treat phantom limb pain following
amputation. The intact limb is placed
soul loss in front of the mirror box, which
Like photographs, when isolated masks the missing limb. The patient
cultures without mirrors were watches the mirror while they stretch,
introduced to them for the first unfurl, scratch, or massage the intact
time, it was often assumed that the limb, relieving the discomfort of
reflection was their actual soul, the missing limb. The mind is not
having left the body. fooled into the literal belief that their
mirrors and shadows We cover mirrors following a death missing limb has been restored, but
The mirror as archetype serves far so the soul does not become lost the brain is fooled and the illusion
stranger functions than regulating within them and a broken mirror is soothes and relieves.
self-esteem. As its place in myth, an image of a shattered soul in pieces, Perhaps psychotherapy is, at its
scripture, fairy tale and legend and it will take seven years before its very best, a similar curative illusion, a
suggests, mirrors reveal to us what wholeness is restored. healing trick, a soothing substitution
cannot be shown to anyone else, what As psychotherapists we must rather than a literally corrective
we do not know, and perhaps don’t always acknowledge the darker experience for losses incurred in the
want to know about ourselves at all. aspects of our powers and the past. A trick that both participants
As Carl Jung wrote in The archetypes that are present in the must remember is both an illusion
Archetypes and the Collective therapeutic transaction. As clients, and a cure.
Unconscious, “Whoever looks into the mirror as archetype reminds us An image presented itself to me
the mirror of the water will see first that we must remain always cognizant in a hypnagogic state recently – as I
of all his own face. Whoever goes to of the dangers of becoming trapped, drifted in between sleep and waking: I
himself risks a confrontation with lost, hypnotised by images of our own sat in my office chair, my face hidden
himself. The mirror does not flatter; it projected soul. from view, my head behind a mirror
faithfully shows whatever looks into inside a box much like a medicine
it; namely, the face we never show to mirrors, Tricks cabinet. I sat across from an unknown
the world because we cover it with the and miracles other, who I could see only dimly, but
persona, the mask of the actor. But Of course, stage magicians also rely on who saw their soul reflected when
the mirror lies behind the mask and mirrors to create pleasurable tricks they faced me. They were transfixed,
shows the true face.” and amusements. It is a deception filled with yearning, with deep hunger
Our truest face, our whole self, that we participate in happily, for more contact, to forge a deep and
includes a shadow that is terrifying willingly, suspending our disbelief to lasting relationship with the face in
to us. What horror will be revealed? delight in the hidden mirror’s ability front of them. I was not fooled. I knew
What chilling doppelganger lurks to make things appear or disappear, or that I was not what they sought. But it
underneath our daytime persona? We to make something or someone dense, was nearly impossible to impress the
are horrified and titillated by seeing burdensome and heavy transform truth upon them. What they thought
our denied, demonic shadow selves into something as light as a feather. they could only access through ‘me’
reflected. Afraid of confrontation, we As we watch the volunteer from the was merely a reflection of their self.
can often only meet our destructive audience levitate, mirrors obscuring
interior indirectly, through reflection. the mechanisms of suspension, our Martha Crawford is a writer, clinical
Metabolising shadow content is one own burdens feel lighter too. social worker and psychotherapist.
of the functions of psychotherapy too, Mirrored tricks and illusions can Visit her at whatashrinkthinks.com
as well as safely and incrementally have profoundly healing effects:
breaking down the repressions, mirror-boxes are used to effectively

[ MInd space ]
Think you’re helpless to stem the tide of vitriol from trolls

and those touting prejudice? There are small things we
can all do and say to cultivate more compassion.
Words: stephanie osfield
Taming
haTe
W
hen Taylor
Swift recently
launched a
website that AnAtomy of hAte
experts said Hate emanates from a range of Perhaps unsurprisingly, personality
will put her in evolutionary, environmental, cultural also impacts people’s propensity
a league of showbiz entrepreneurship and genetic influences. At the heart of towards hate. Researchers have coined
with Oprah Winfrey, commentators hate is difference, and ideas related to the term ‘dispositional attitude’ to
gloated on her behalf – not because she the dynamic between ‘us’ and ‘other’. explain why some people seem to
was making a fortune from fostering “From an evolutionary standpoint, dislike everything while others seem to
competition between fans, but because being separated from the pack puts like everything.
the popularity of a snake ring designed the individual at greater risk of being People with a positive dispositional
to get back at so-called ‘haters’ was the attacked or of falling ill with no- attitude have a strong tendency to like
ultimate ‘fuck you’ for what has mostly one to care for and protect them,” things, whereas people with a negative
been an anonymous campaign via social says Melbourne-based psychologist dispositional attitude have a strong
media that many would attribute to Meredith Fuller. “So we instinctively tendency to dislike things, according
envy, however hatefully it’s expressed. lean in towards people who are like us, to research published in the Journal of
The linchpin of the vitriol was not that and tend to be suspicious and more Personality and Social Psychology.
Swift had done anything particularly fearful of those who are dissimilar and People with generally positive
objectionable, but simply that she regard them as a threat.” This can open dispositional attitudes were found
was a ‘snake’. It may sound hyperbolic the door to hateful thoughts about to be more open than people with
and even curiously adolescent to hate others and precipitate acts of hate generally negative dispositional
people we don’t know simply for going against them. attitudes – meaning that people
about their lives, but what have come The idea of ‘otherness’ is central with positive dispositional attitudes
to be known online as ‘haters’ (a term to sociological theory and enables may be more prone to behaving in
that includes the online provocateurs construction of ‘social identities’ – benevolent or group-enhancing or
known as ‘trolls’) are neither new nor which reflect the way individuals and socially conscionable ways, such as
limited to cyber-bullies. groups internalise established social initiating vaccinations, recycling and
Such readiness to hate is cemented categories such as class and gender. driving carefully.
in the term ‘hate crime’, which The binary opposites in prescribed Personality may also influence
describes crimes against others and expressions of male and female genders the likelihood of making ‘attribution
often harks back to core sociological enable otherness according to French errors’, through which we mistakenly
principles such as ‘othering’ and philosopher Simone de Beauvoir, who believe that we are superior to other
internalised oppression. Since Donald in the 1950s argued that “Otherness people who have different opinions,
Trump became US president, there is a fundamental category of human values and lifestyles to our own.
has been a spike in hate crimes across thought. Thus it is that no group ever Seeing those who belong to a different
America, according to a report from the sets itself up as the One without at once ‘group’ to our own subscribes to the
FBI, while the Council on American- setting up the Other over against itself.” sociological principle of othering.
Islamic Relations tracked a 91 per cent Dichotomies of otherness are This is enabled by the cognitive bias
increase in anti-Islamic hate crimes imagined as being natural so that those known as ‘confirmation bias’, whereby
between 2016 and 2017. Australia is not who don’t identify with the majority we cherry-pick evidence to support
immune to this rise and rise of hateful are made to feel anomalous or flawed. our existing judgments and deny
behaviour. “Expressions of racism, By defining itself, a group defines information that may oppose them.
racial discrimination, and xenophobia, others, and by power imbalance, “This is known as ‘confirmation bias’
including in the public sphere and maintains and fortifies the status and it can apply to strangers as well
political debates as well as in the quo as fact through indirect threat as people we know,” says Fuller. For
media, are on the rise in Australia,” of persecution for dissenting voices example, if you believe you do more
stated a scathing report released in among the others and through housework than your partner, then you
December 2017 by the United Nations privileges afforded the majority, such will give more attention to the dirty
Committee on the Elimination of as greater access to media platforms dishes they don’t put in the dishwasher
Racial Discrimination. and education. than you do to the fact that they hang
out the washing or put out the garbage.
What seems to permeate theories
“acts of hate are attempts to distract of hate is the sense of erroneous
oneself from feelings such as reasoning and absence of rational

working through, such as that seen in
helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, ‘senseless’ crimes, and decisions and
policies that flagrantly undermine
inadequacy and shame.” human rights.

[ MInd space ]
Often what we hate in others is

an imagining of parts of ourselves
disowned and supplanted in others,
where it is less threatening, according
to Sigmund Freud’s theory of
projection – one of the defences he
identified. “In part this stems from
our desire to be moral and ethical
beings,” says Fuller. “This means
we don’t like to see this shadow side
of ourselves, but instead remain in
denial of our flaws by recognising
them in other people.”
Psychologist Bernard Golden,
author of Overcoming Destructive
Anger: Strategies That Work, says that
hate says more about the haters than
the hated. “Acts of hate are attempts
to distract oneself from feelings
such as helplessness, powerlessness,
injustice, inadequacy and shame,” says
Golden. “Hate is an attitude that can hAte v Anger then, as with any intense emotion,
give rise to hostility and aggression People who experience anger, you won’t be able to think clearly,”
toward individuals or groups. Like contempt and disgust are more say clinical psychologist Stephen
much anger, it is a reaction to, and likely to act and behave in a hostile Laurent, and Ross Menzies, Associate
distraction from, some form of inner manner, shows research from San Professor in Health Sciences at Sydney
pain. The individual consumed by hate Francisco State University. And University. “Countless studies have
may believe that the only way to regain though as little as 50 years ago, shown that when you are angry,
some sense of power over his or her letting our negative emotions rip decision-making under stress is more
pain is to pre-emptively strike out at was not considered good form, rigid and that fewer alternatives are
others. In this context, each moment now it’s regarded as an absolute brain-stormed and considered. So
of hate is a temporary reprieve from right. Reality TV shows manipulate anger affects cognitive processing
inner suffering.” contestants to maximise their angry and interferes with the ability to solve
Transposed to a community and disrespectful outbursts and vitriol complex problems or think on your
or social level, similar disavowal against other contestants because this feet (especially creatively).”
can be seen in the phenomenon ‘entertainment’ boosts ratings. Yet the Meanwhile, feelings of hate can
of internalised oppression, which anger triggered by ‘hating on’ others is cause a cascade of unhealthy physical
explains why members of minority very bad news for our health. impacts. “Your muscles tense, your
groups sometimes turn on ‘their In The Anger Fallacy, the stomach releases more acids, causing
own’. It’s a turning inward of negative authors argue that anger is not only discomfort, digestion stops and blood
stereotypes ascribed by persecutory destructive, but is an ‘impotent’ circulation slows,” says Fuller. “At
others, much like negative introjects emotion, because it doesn’t get you the same time, your heart rate and
can result in low opinions of and anywhere and is also bad news for your blood pressure increase, your body
destructive impulses toward oneself. brain. “If you are extremely angry, pumps out more cholesterol along
with chemicals to clot blood, and both
can contribute to blocked arteries and
increased stroke risk.” Little wonder
“hate arises from a range of influences that then that research from Harvard
are evolutionary, environmental, cultural University has shown that just one
angry outburst can increase the risk
and genetic.” of heart attack (five-fold) and stroke
(four-fold) for hours after the incident.

Taming hate
“expressions of racism, racial

discrimination and xenophobia,
including in the public sphere and
political debates as well as in the
media, are on the rise in australia.”
by the impact of seeing the harm skill,” says Markman. “And this skill is
that our hateful words and attacks languishing, both among members of
were causing.” the public and our leaders.”
Research from Stanford University All forms of media – not just social
shows that the more people use the media – are contributing to the erosion
Internet, the less time they spend with of kindness, sensitivity, respect and
friends and family. “As a result of this humanity, which allows hate speech
growing disconnect, we are losing our and hate crimes to more easily
empathy and emotional intelligence,” flourish, believes Markman. Fuller
adds Fuller. “We act before reflecting agrees. On reality TV programs, “We
and we think in black and white; for watch people gang up on each other
example, ‘you are either with me or or be brutally subjected to comments
against me’. We adopt the values and and verbal attacks from experts and
attitude of the group we identify with panel members that are often critical,
and make ‘like’ and ‘agree’ statements demoralising, unkind and at times
without thinking or even knowing all simply morph into bullying,” she says.
the facts.” Casey Kochmer, Taoist teacher
Research at Duke University According to Fuller, social media and co-director of Personal Tao
Medical Centre has also shown that rewards us for this quick simplistic (personaltao.com), suggests an active
people more prone to anger also have thinking and splits our world into role for those of us watching hate
higher levels of C-reactive protein, dichotomies. Much of this behaviour from the sidelines and attending to
which increases inflammation – a is driven by fear. “We fear if we don’t and taking ownership of our own hate
known contributor to diseases such agree or want to question that we may when it arises.
as diabetes. end up rejected or hated,” says Fuller. “Pay attention to what you resist,
“Then we may not survive! We fear what you do automatically and what
Cyber Abuse losing safety of our reference group. you assume. Practising this type of
The emergence of social media We fear that if we don’t share our awareness allows a person to avoid
platforms, such as Facebook, values and way of understanding the conflict in conversations and be more
Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat, has world, we risk loss of what keeps us effective in working with others and
led to an epidemic of ‘hating on’ others. safe, secure and accepted.” letting go of hate. This promotes a state
In fact, research from the University It’s a lose-lose. “Online comments of grace and compassion, which helps
of Minnesota shows that as broadband are extraordinarily aggressive, without to put an end to hate.”
availability has increased in the US, resolving anything,” says Arthur
this has also caused a rise in the Markman, a professor of psychology
incidence of hate crimes. at the University of Texas. “Having
“Technology means we don’t have a strong emotional experience that
to deal with the consequences of our doesn’t resolve itself in any healthy
hateful behaviour,” says Fuller. “We can way can’t be a good thing.”
text without interacting. Increasingly, Markman believes that we all
we feel this gives us permission to say have a responsibility to reduce the
things that we would never normally incidence of such angry exchanges.
say directly to a person’s face. If we In our own social circle, that means
could see their responses we would being open to relationships with
be less likely to engage in hate speech people who think differently from
because we would be more affected us and respecting their point of view.
“The back-and-forth negotiation that
goes on in having a conversation with
someone you don’t agree with is a

[ MInd space ]
Braking hate
Although it may seem futile to attempt Completing an anger log can further
to curb hate crimes and hate speech, your awareness of the interplay of
we all have power to reduce the impact thoughts, feelings and body sensations
of hate. The way you conduct yourself that propel you into anger arousal.
online, in your personal relationships “When your anger is aroused you
and also with strangers can help can learn to hit the pause button and
reduce hateful behaviours in the world consider more effective responses,”
and take the edge off thoughts and says Golden. “With commitment and
feelings of hate if you feel them arise. practice it is possible to develop the
One helpful anti-hate strategy habits of mind that yield long-term
that Golden suggests to clients rewards of stability, restraint and
is called BEAR. This involves the self-respect.”
following steps:
B: Breathe deeply. Slow your CompAssion
breathing. Don’t just pay attention “No one is born hating another person
to your inhalation – ensure that your because of the colour of his skin, or
exhalation is long and slow. his background, or his religion,” said
E: Evoke physical calm. Helpful Nelson Mandela. “People must learn to
practices include mindfulness, hate, and if they can learn to hate, they
meditation and progressive relaxation, can be taught to love, for love comes
where you tense and relax specific more naturally to the human heart
muscle groups (for example, in your than its opposite.”
back) or relax all your muscles from Compassion, which is the opposite
head to toe. of hate, is one of the most powerful
A: Arouse compassion. “Evoke antidotes to fear and loathing.
your inner compassion to address “Developing compassion is a
the suffering surrounding your anger composite process,” says Kochmer. “It is easy to hate and difficult to
– the negative feelings, including “It involves the merging of love (to love,” said Confucius. This is not just
anger, and the physical tension become more), kindness (to work true of our relationships with others;
associated with them,” says Golden. with your essence), insight (to see it is also true of our relationship with
“Research in compassion shows that the patterns) and healing (to make our self.
you can practise cultivating your you whole).” Cultivating self-compassion is an
inner compassion to strengthen your According to Kochmer, the modern important antidote to hate. To be
resilience for self-soothing – sitting world is fractured by people isolating more compassionate towards yourself,
with and observing your internal themselves and becoming increasingly Golden recommends you imagine you
experience without reacting to it.” disassociated and uncommunicative. are a parent showing compassion to a
R: Reflect. Reflect on the feelings “Compassion for our times requires child (your self ) who is struggling with
and thoughts that precede your us to learn how to reach out again, emotional pain. Rather than reasoning
anger. Reflect and identify your to communicate and work with each with the child in an attempt to ‘fix’
expectations. “Distinguish between other with all our differences,” he says. their feelings, try to help them simply
those that are realistic and those that “To embrace compassion we have to sit with it. Picture yourself saying
are more strongly based on wishes or embrace diversity, strive for kindness, the following:
hopes,” suggests Golden. “Try to support others and help them to ‘I know this is difficult to sit with. It
identify key desires that you feel become whole.” is a feeling that, like other feelings, is
are being challenged; for example, temporary. It will pass. I’ll sit here with
the desire for connection, respect, you. You don’t have to do anything. I’m
harmony, trust, or security. Reflection not going anywhere.’
involves trying to identify specific
feelings that precede your anger,
feelings identified by one word, such “Compassion for our times requires
as ‘threatened’, ‘ignored’, ‘shame’,
‘discounted’, ‘powerless’ or ‘anxiety’.” us to learn how to reach out again, to
communicate and work with each other
with all our differences.”
Taming hate
“Our modern world

is fractured by
people isolating
themselves
and becoming
increasingly
disassociated and
uncommunicative.”
your brAin
on hAte
DeflAting hAte understanding. So challenge your the same areas of the brain are
To reduce the anger and entitlement thoughts when you view someone as activated by romantic love and hate,
that boost feelings of hate, it helps to: one-dimensional and less worthy. according to research at the University
College london.
lose your unhelpful thoughts: let go of Judgements: “Both the putamen and the insula
Black and white thinking about the “The true lesson to learn about are also activated by romantic love,”
way the world should be and how you hate isn’t to reflect that feeling of says professor semir Zeki, whose
should be treated by others can help destruction back out, but instead to study used Mri machines to scan
fuel dissatisfaction and hate. So let go release judgments in a kind and gentle people’s brains while they were
of the following thoughts: manner so that you grow from your viewing pictures of people they
• ‘Life should be easy and fair’ own feelings,” says Kochmer. hate. according to the researchers,
• ‘If people don’t agree with me, they the hateful thoughts then activated
are wrong, and I don’t relate to or recognise your hate triggers: a ‘hate circuit’ in the brain. activity
respect them’ When encountering hate, examine was triggered in the cortex and sub-
• ‘I need the approval of others to the feelings behind your powerful cortex in areas called the putamen
feel okay’ emotions. “In small steps, work to heal and insula, which light up when we
the damage, pain, anger, frustration engage in aggressive behaviour
Avoid making presumptions: and judgments in play,” says Kochmer. or have feelings of contempt and
Don’t try to second-guess the thoughts, disgust. “…with love, large parts of
opinions or intentions of others. This engage in spiritual Jiu-jitsu: the cerebral cortex associated with
will help you stop projecting things on “Flipping perspective is part of a larger judgement and reasoning become
others that may not be true. practice that I teach, called ‘Spiritual deactivated, with hate, only a small
Jiu-jitsu’,” says Kochmer. “With a zone, located in the frontal cortex,
recognise our similarities: change of perspective come options, becomes deactivated.”
Remember that no matter how potential and growth.”
different we are, people have the
same needs for love, compassion,
warmth, connection, respect and

[ MInd space ]
Playlist
Psychology
Able to activate the primal pleasure centres of the brain,
music can be strategically used to regulate emotion.
Learn the science behind which tunes make you tick and
how to change your mood with music.
Words: Natasha thompsoN With rebecca LoNg
W
hether you get of inexplicable inspiration – the
your fix through power music has to affect the human
Spotify or visit brain and emotions subscribes to
iTunes, when certain formulas.
a tune revives
a pleasant or Musically Minded
other emotion-charged memory, you While it has been likened to sex and
already use music strategically. From drugs, music has seemed to lack the
favouring certain radio stations to explicable evolutionary value and
curating the playlist for a wedding, chemical blocking and activation of
many people unknowingly realise its reward pathway contemporaries.
the functional power of music. For Professor Sarah Wilson, director
instance, adding Barry Manilow of Music, Mind and Wellbeing at
to a wedding playlist may reunite Melbourne Neuroscience Institute,
loved ones in nostalgia while Adele interjects the theory outlined in Steven
impregnates the atmosphere with a Mithen’s The Singing Neanderthals
sense of monolithic love, and Eminem, – that music’s power lies in the fact
conversely, plays down sentimentality that it is ‘preverbal’ and connects
and provides a licence to tell that joke with primitive aspects of a person
about the time they got stuck in Belize. partitioned behind language.
A live concert – whether classical or “The idea is that music was a
contemporary – can elicit profound precursor to language,” she says.
emotions by evoking awe and a sense of “Children can respond to music before
connectedness. And film soundtracks they can speak. Preverbal infants show
are integral to creating tension and all the emotional reactions we would
cultivating empathy between viewers expect to see in adults (when listening
and characters. to music)…. Music is a language, and
In fact, while the elements within what music is is probably the language
a piece of music may seem to have of emotion. It’s able to access these
happened by chance – and some hit old brain reward systems and funnel
songs have been written in moments through our (emotion moderating)

The device and effect known as
limbic system. This is what gives music harmonic surprise is critical, according
its unique emotional value.” to Prof Grzywacz, who defines
Prof Wilson suggests Two main harmonic surprise as a deviation from
ways music becomes connected with like the piano or guitar section in the listener’s expectations. Experts
emotion. “It may be that on this the chorus of a pop ballad, moving have predicted that these changes in
very happy day when I was getting from the minor six to the major four structure could elicit a pleasurable
married, I was listening to this song. as the chorus resolves (Think: The reward response in the brain.
But we think it’s actually more than Beatles’ ‘Let It Be’ or Lady Gaga’s “When listening to music, we
that and to do with the properties ‘Edge of Glory’). Others are stark. If enjoy some pieces and dislike
of the music itself – the anticipation you’ve ever been to church, you may others. Multiple reasons govern
and the resolution. If you think about be familiar with the plagal cadence, how much we like a piece of music,
modern music, it has these periods the last two chords of almost every including compositional, emotional
of building up and then it can either hymn, which accompany the lyrics and cultural,” says Prof Grzywacz,
resolve or not resolve. This is the ‘amen’. Try singing the ‘a’ without the whose study spanned 545 songs
same as how we deal with emotions ‘men’; it feels like you’re standing on a in the American Billboard charts
in daily life. Emotions revolve around see-saw. between 1958 and 1991. “Surprise is
our expectations, our reading of the “The most popular songs tend to important because it is a measure
world, how we think it should be.” include relatively rare chords, that of new information; something
In Western music, the balance of is, they typically have high harmonic that the reward centres of the brain
tension and resolution – recognisable surprise,” says Norberto Grzywacz, recognise as being of value, leading
in a crescendo or build-up before a a professor of neuroscience and to a positive emotional response.
sudden release – is part of harmonic physics, whose research in open- Therefore, our finding that the
progressions that lead to feelings of access journal Frontiers in Human most popular songs tend to include
musical resolution. The technical Neuroscience helps to explain people’s surprising chords reflects our brains
term ‘cadences’ comes from Latin, for preference for one song over another in-built preference.”
‘falling’. Some cadences are subtle, and links harmonic structure to
music’s popularity.

[ MIND SPACE ]
The subsequent return to

normality or the expected was
similarly important in eliciting
positive appraisals of music.
“The brain enjoys surprise only up
to a point, because unexpected events
indicate a failure of prediction,” says
Prof Grzywacz. “Hence, the release
of tension from surprising sections
of a song to common choruses is also
signalled positively by the reward
centres. Our research reveals that the
brain has a deep-rooted preference,
which can affect whether people enjoy
a piece of music.”
Certain culturally bound rules
could help determine for songwriters
what would constitute such deviation.
For instance, C major is usually
followed by G and F major in Western
tonal music and a change from this
would be classed as a surprise. In
unfamiliar music, a high surprise
followed by a lower surprise section
could contribute to enjoyment,
research found.
According to Melbourne producer
and audio engineer Anna Laverty,
who has worked under the tutelage
of Grammy and Academy award-
winning producer Paul Epworth
(Adele), “It’s all about the light and
shade for me.” Despite having been
entrusted with the oeuvres of artists
such as Florence and the Machine For Bruce Tweedie from Music Laverty likens predicting hit songs
and Bloc Party, Laverty concedes that Mill, manipulation is paramount. to mining. The skill lies partly in
even she can’t pick it every time. “A Selecting the songs that will sell detecting where there may be treasure
lot of the songs I am sure are going to anything from a car to KFC, the music and partly in the ability to uncover
do well don’t end up doing much, and marketing agent is recognised as a and cultivate it. “The song has to
that’s usually a combination of things, critical link between product and have something in the first place,”
not least an unsupported release consumer, charged with triggering says Laverty. “A big part of being a
campaign,” she says. “Then there are and advancing parts of known producer is hearing a demo and being
records I’ve worked on that I think consumer psychology processes such able to work out if there’s something
are underground gems and they end as awareness-interest-desire-action there worth mining.” When Laverty
up crossing over into the mainstream. (word is that French wine sells more does find that something, she gets
That’s always a buzz. I had a moment when French music is played in the to work. “I build things up using a
recently when The Peep Tempel retail environment than when other number of techniques, including
played their sold-out last show at music is played). instrumentation, arrangement, key
the Forum and the whole room “Emotional tone is generally the changes and tempo. But sometimes
was singing, ‘I don’t think Trevor is most important thing,” he says. “In the key to keeping things very emotive
good for you, Carol!’ I didn’t realise terms of the psychology, there are two is the stripping back. I once read
so many people would relate to the main drivers: one is tapping into the a quote that has always stuck with
poor guy.” nostalgia, that feeling from when you me: ‘The pause is as important as
were young and leveraging that; the the note.’”
second is positivity. A lot of the briefs
we get are for songs that are positive
and upbeat. It’s essentially getting
music so people associate the product
with something they feel good about.”

Playlist psychology
eMotion regulation
From seeking perverse reassurance
through revelling in profound
existential mysteries (sometimes
allowing oneself to feel like a victim for
a specified time can clear a backlog)
to seeking the sort of fist-pumping
motivation to apply for a promotion, a
tactical playlist choice may help.
“We’ve already got these (mood-
lifting) personal playlists,” says Prof
Wilson. “Therapists do this quite
systematically with their clients. But,
as you know, it’s very individual, the
music you like may not be the music
the person next to you likes.”
Prof Wilson says we all use music to
regulate our mood. “Music is a socially
acceptable way to explore potentially
difficult emotions…the general
population uses music as an internal
state regulator, to lift us up when we’re
feeling down and vice versa…. In group
settings, like a crowd at a soccer game,
these emotions are augmented – music
is a very good, non-invasive way to
regulate mental health.”
But it’s not as simple as, say, music
in a major key with positive or neutral
lyrics eliciting greater optimism or
wellbeing. In some instances, songs
objectively considered ‘sad’ based on
key, tempo and lyrics have been found
For Tweedie, identifying the puts so many people in creative to be life-affirming. Music that is felt to
songs that move people is all about professions on the edge.” be ‘beautiful but sad’ can help people
intuition. “It’s partly experience and But despite advances in feel better when they’re feeling blue,
partly it’s a knack for understanding,” both brain imaging and sound according to a study of 220 people
he says. “It’s quite common for us to engineering technology, Laverty published in the Psychology of Music.
listen to 150 songs (when selecting for and Tweedie agree that part of the Academics investigated the effects
an advertising campaign).” magic of functional music lies in its of what the researchers described as
Film and television composer Joel elusiveness. While on paper certain self-identified sad music (SISM) on
Douek admits that music writers groupings of notes and key changes people’s moods, paying particular
can’t reliably produce music that will may be expected to effect certain attention to their reasons for choosing
resonate with the masses, consigning mental events in the listener, chart a particular piece of music when they
the creative process to the mystery hits and songs known in association were experiencing sadness – noting the
that surrounds the genesis of many to a product years or decades hence effect it had on them.
visual artworks “despite the artist”. owe in part to unknown elements.
“Beyond the tricks of the trade, I think The common thread, however, may
most music writers are themselves be believability or authenticity. For
mystified at where their ideas come would-be successors to Justin Bieber
from. Those that I asked, ‘How do you and other YouTube sensations, their
create music?’ answered simply, ‘I advice is disappointingly mundane.
have no idea.’ We try anything to coax “Just write a good song that you
out that pure spark that can flash for mean and other people will believe
an instant and spawn a symphony, you,” says Laverty. Tweedie agrees,
or a song,” he concedes in an issue of “I think it’s more special when songs
Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience. aren’t just written for advertisements.
“Perhaps it is this elusiveness that They’re more authentic.”

[ MInd space ]
While mood regulation wasn’t

necessarily a conscious objective for
Mood Music
people experiencing sadness, choosing We asked anna laverty
music identified as ‘beautiful’ was the for songs to include on
only strategy that directly predicted a Mood-lifting playlist.
mood enhancement in sad people, the
researchers found. Earlier research aretha franklin –
from the same team showed that ‘respect’: “this song has
people tend to choose sad music when everything! Vocal powerhouse, killer
they’re feeling sad. Music choice was band, relatable subject matter and
often influenced by memory triggers hooks galore – it makes people feel
for a particular event or time, its empowered and in control.”
subjective ‘beauty’ or the message ryan adaMs – neW york,
conveyed by the song, according to the neW york: “i lived in London for
University of Kent’s Dr Annemieke a long while and eventually you need
van den Tol. “We found in our something to get you out of bed every
research that people’s music choice
day when it’s cold and dark outside and
is linked to the individual’s own
you’ve had four hours’ sleep. this song
expectations for listening to music
did it for me every time.”
and its effects on them,” she says.
otis redding – ‘(sittin’
“The results showed that if an
individual has intended to achieve on) the dock of the Bay’:
mood enhancement through listening “this isn’t a dJ-ing choice but it’s
to ‘sad’ music, this was in fact often probably the song i play the most
achieved by first thinking about their because of the reminder to not take
situation or being distracted rather things too seriously and just enjoy
than directly through listening to the what you’ve got.”
music chosen.
“Indeed, where respondents
indicated they had chosen music with between music-listening habits and
the intention of triggering memories, neural responses to music emotions
this had a negative impact on creating using neuroimaging data and
a better mood. The only selection behavioural data.
strategy that was found to directly “Some ways of coping with negative
predict mood enhancement was emotion, such as rumination, which
where the music was perceived by the means continually thinking over
listener to have high aesthetic value.” negative things, are linked to poor
The way we respond to music is mental health. We wanted to learn
idiosyncratic and based on myriad whether there could be similar
factors including personality and negative effects of some styles of
mental health. Yet the power of music listening,” said Emily Carlson,
tactical music choices to alter mood a music therapist and the main author
is increasingly being recognised as of a study published in Frontiers in
a valid adjunct to psychotherapy Human Neuroscience. feelings, not necessarily improving the
(or talk therapy) – especially in Type of music favoured and negative mood,” said co-author Dr Suvi
people with difficulty regulating motivation for listening tended to Saarikallio, developer of the Music in
emotion. Poor emotion regulation hint at personality factors and mental Mood Regulation (MMR) test.
is associated with psychiatric mood health status. Participants were Research also revealed that
disorders such as depression. It’s assessed on several markers of mental females who tended to listen to
long been observed that non-clinical health including depression, anxiety music to distract from negative
populations inadvertently regulate and neuroticism, and reported the feelings showed increased activity
emotions using music, yet until ways they most often listened to music in the brain’s medial prefrontal
recently, little was known about which to regulate their emotions. Analysis cortex (mPFC). Conversely, males
musical characteristics suited which showed that anxiety and neuroticism who used music to express negative
personal attributes. Such ‘tailoring’ is were higher in participants who tended feelings – think heavy metal – had
the basis of research exploring links to listen to sad or aggressive music to less activity in the medial prefrontal
express negative feelings, particularly cortex. “These results show a link
in males. “This style of listening results
in the feeling of expression of negative

Playlist psychology
Mood Music
playlist science
cry every time you hear eric clapton’s ‘tears in heaven’ or feel
better about life at the hint of ‘livin’ on a prayer’? here’s why
enduring hits work according to music producer and audio engineer
anna laverty.
eric clapton – ‘tears in part, in her pyjamas in the middle of the

heaven’: “Well, we all know the story night and saying, can you just sing this:
behind this one and it’s basically the “rape and murder…it’s just a shot away,
worst experience we can go through etc.”? Now she had never read it before
as humans. the minor key and use of, i and performed it like that. so it just goes
think, a triangle throughout the verse is to show how much a good singer can
evocative. i think there’s a key change in bring the vibe, especially if they want to
there too that lends to some hope and get home to their bed.”
then comes crashing back to resolve in
Marvin gaye – ‘let’s get it
the saddest way ever.”
on’: “marvin gaye and the band were
kiMBra and gotye – also of the era of being really good at
‘soMeBody that i used to performing and playing live. they were
knoW’: “Very clever song and has recording to tape, so they didn’t have the
been much discussed as not-an-obvious option of doing a hundred drop-ins or
hit but it just speaks to people. most folk using pitch correction. so it was all about
have been heartbroken and perceive to being a master of your craft and bringing
have been screwed over by someone, the emotion on the day. the choice of
so the lyrics are very relatable. then, microphone and the orchestral strings
between music-listening styles and shockingly, two-and-a-half minutes in and horns don’t hurt in bringing out the
mPFC activation, which could mean we get to hear the other side of the emotion in this one.”
that certain listening styles have story! and then they have a big fight in
Bon Jovi – ‘livin’ on a
long-term effects on the brain,” says public – people love that stuff. it’s like a
prayer’: “i was actually responsible
Professor Elvira Brattico, the senior car crash.”
for recording the altiyan childs backing
author of the study. the rolling stones – ‘giMMe track of this song for X Factor, so i’m
“We hope our research encourages shelter’: “(this was) probably pretty aware of what went into the
music therapists to talk with their recorded live, like a real band in a room track. it was synth heavy and a tension-
clients about their music use – that always provokes a more emotional building backing track and a big blow-
outside the session and encourages reaction from me. i remember on a out in the chorus with backing vocals
everyone to think about the how the documentary about this recording they and that ride cymbal. the ’80s didn’t
different ways they use music might tell the story of going to pick up merry really make a song without a stupid solo
help or harm their own wellbeing,” clayton, the lady who sings the duet either, so that helped.”
says Carlson.

[ mind space ]
Donald Trump’s recent

grandiose self-congratulation
exemplifies the complexity of
self-perception. New discoveries
about self-esteem reveal a world
of thoughts and beliefs you didn’t
know you had.
Net worth
Is your
self-appraIsal
truth or
fIctIoN?
I
n pop psychology parlance,
self-esteem is elusive,
unconditionally desirable, threats that may injure the delicate
definite and subject to the sense of adequacy. It bears similarity
dichotomy of presence or to criteria for the narcissism sub-type
absence. It can be attained of vulnerable narcissism, specified
and lost on the by accepting your by diagnostic manual DSM-V. People
faults and spending too long on with fragile high self-esteem may
Facebook. Yet current research is become obnoxious when others
revealing a world of self-sentiment or events threaten their opinions,
that’s more complex and nuanced beliefs, ideas or values, which is
than the self-help industry’s self-esteem – including that which perceived as an attack against the self.
affirmations suggest. may be largely unconscious. While The more unstable or variable one’s
“I think it’s important that people Freud referred to and measured self-esteem, the more fragile it is. In
have a more balanced idea of what unconscious aspects of self-worth, the study, those with fragile high self-
self-esteem actually is,” says Professor unconscious aspects of self-esteem esteem exhibited what researchers
Magnus Lindwall from the University have gained renewed focus, with called ‘defensive verbalisation’.
of Gothenburg’s Department of ‘implicit self esteem’ thought to reveal “Individuals with low self-esteem
Psychology. He distinguishes between more than that which is reported or fragile high self-esteem were more
the superficial brand of self-esteem in an interview or survey format. verbally defensive than individuals
peddled by self-help books and a Further demarcations are being with secure high self-esteem. One
deeper mechanism linked to mental made within the designation of high reason for this is that potential
health problems such as eating self-esteem, which bifurcates into threats are in fact more threatening
disorders and depression. secure and insecure, or fragile types, to people with low or fragile high self-
“Our results show that self-esteem research reveals. esteem than those with secure high
is generally linked most strongly self-esteem, and so they work harder
to people’s perceived competence ESTEEM ON SHOW to counteract them,” Kernis says of
in areas that they consider to be Contemporary thinking specifies the findings published in the Journal
important,” says Prof Lindwall, multiple forms of high self-esteem – of Personality.
whose findings appear in the Journal and they’re not all desirable. Closer “These findings support the
of Personality. inspection of high self-esteem reveals view that heightened defensiveness
Feeling worthy as a person and different subtypes, which differ reflects insecurity, fragility and less-
appraising yourself holistically markedly in both their characteristics than-optimal functioning rather than
with a realistic view of your and value. In fact, while secure high a healthy psychological outlook.”
strengths and weaknesses are self-esteem may be the holy grail of Conversely, secure high self-esteem
fundaments of self-esteem. personal development, insecure or better approximates a dominant
Yet the issue is often confounded fragile self-esteem may present in self-esteem model, which describes
by references to standalone triumphs ways similar to certain personality a person who accepts themselves
and quick-hit validation, which can disorders, suggest the findings of a ‘warts and all’. Exemplars are more
temporarily mimic self-esteem. study at the University of Georgia. likely to laugh at themselves and
“Self-esteem is also closely linked “There are many kinds of high self- acknowledge mistakes and the value
to self-confidence and perceived esteem, and in this study we found of constructive criticism. Importantly,
competence in different areas, that for those in which it is fragile and they perceive their failings,
primarily those areas that a person shallow it’s no better than having low weaknesses and disagreements as
considers to be important,” says self-esteem,” says researcher Michael value-neutral or even beneficial to
Prof Lindwall, whose study builds Kernis. “People with fragile high growth rather than feeling threatened
on the pioneering work of American self-esteem compensate for their self- and blaming others.
philosopher William James. doubts by engaging in exaggerated
“In general, our study – along tendencies to defend, protect and
with plenty of other research in the enhance their feelings of self-worth.”
field – paints a completely different In work and interpersonal settings,
and more complicated picture of this may mimic the maladaptive
self-esteem than that set out in best- behaviours of those with ‘disorders
selling popular psychology books.” of the self’, such as narcissistic
Its complexity is being realised personality disorder. For people
in delineation between types of wtih this type, feeling good about
themselves becomes fundamental
rather than incidental and is pursued
via self-promotion and avoiding

[ mind space ]
LittLE whitE LiEs

Verbally affirming your self-worth
by repeating modern mantras such
as ‘I will succeed’ and ‘I am a lovable
person’ is a linchpin of self-help
methodologies. On the face of it,
it makes sense, since consumer
psychology espouses that repetition
breeds acceptance, or at least lays the
groundwork for tactics that do. But
being a quasi-salesperson for your
own worth when you don’t believe
what you’re saying is a futile antidote
ARTWORK: REBECCA LONG

to fundamental schemas or beliefs of
inadequacy or unworthiness. Altering
core beliefs demands attention to not
only the presenting structure but the
intricate root system that can’t be
directly observed (early experiences
and related shame, for instance, may thE gEtting of
be beneath what seems like a simple While this consonance between sELf-EstEEm
matter of thinking you’re a burden). incoming information and belief or The idea of incrementally coming
In fact, reductionist tactics – current experience can maintain low to feel good in one’s own skin as a
think pithy memes – may worsen self-esteem, it may provide fringe by-product of life experience and
rather than improve low self-esteem, benefits in those with low self-worth, hard-won wisdom may explain why
according to a study published in according to findings that adults with what seemed important a decade
Psychological Science. In the study, low self-esteem can exhibit higher ago no longer is (or at least not
participants with low self-esteem self-clarity than people who grew enough to miss a morning pottering
actually felt worse about themselves up in harsh environments but have in trackpants). While reorganising
after repeating positive self- higher self-esteem. priorities against personal values
statements such as ‘I am a lovable “It seems counterintuitive at may enable a level of comfort with
person’ than peers with similarly low first, but people who currently view yourself and even connote basic
self-esteem who didn’t repeat positive themselves more negatively – as self-esteem, they are not one and the
statements. Even participants with not so worthwhile or capable – have same. Self-esteem is largely in place
high self-esteem failed to realise the most clarity about themselves before children start kindergarten
much, if any, benefit from self- when they grew up around a harsher and remains relatively stable across
directed affirmations. family environment. We think that the lifespan, according to research at
The psychologists behind the sense of clarity comes from the fact the University of Washington.
study suggested that statments that there is a match between their “We found that as young as five
contradicting a person’s beliefs and negative view of themselves and years of age, self-esteem is established
discrepancy between what they heard their negative experience growing strongly enough to be measured,”
and felt may cause negative thoughts up,” says co-author Mark Seery of says lead author Dario Cvencek. Co-
to dominate. A similar effect has findings published in the Journal of author Andrew Meltzoff defended
been documented in therapy settings, Experimental Social Psychology. the findings against common
where therapists charged with Conversely, even those who came presumption that preschool children
helping clients to increase self-esteem from negative environments and are too young to have developed
may need to refrain from blanket developed a view of themselves a positive or negative sense of
praise – however intuitive it seems to as worthwhile and capable had an themselves. “Our findings suggest
give it – as it may either undermine unclear picture of themselves, Seery that self-esteem, feeling good or bad
trust if interpreted as being insincere, said. Unlike self-esteem, which refers about yourself, is fundamental,” says
or cause a kind of shut-down to to a person’s overall feelings of self- Meltzoff. Until now, there has been no
filter the confusion caused by the worth, self-clarity aligns with identity, reliable way to measure self-esteem in
contradiction. This hazard meant or the extent to which self-views are pre-school children, but the Implicit
affirmations may backfire for the clearly defined. Greater self-clarity is Association Test (IAT) could gauge
people who needed them most, associated with better psychological children’s self-worth, according
experts said. adjustment, lower neuroticism, better to co-author Anthony Greenwald,
academic performance and a lower who developed the adult versions of
likelihood of anger and aggression in the IAT.
response to failure.

Net worth: Is your self-appraisal truth or fiction?
“Previously we understood that

preschoolers knew about some of
their specific good features. We now
“We found that as
understand that, in addition, they young as five years
have a global, overall knowledge
of their goodness as a person,” of age, self-esteem
says Greenwald.
In addition to global self-esteem
THE LOVE CONNECTION
People of all ages in satisfying and
is established
or self-worth, five-year-olds supportive relationships tend to strongly enough to
demonstrated a capacity to establish
gender identity, which correlated
have higher self-esteem. In fact, low
self-esteem is a symptom of many be measured”
with higher self-esteem in the study. disorders considered as having a
“Self-esteem appears to play a critical relational component as well as those
role in how children form various related to trauma – both of which explored the importance of group
social identities,” says Cvencek. “Our tend to instil insecure relational memberships for self-esteem.
findings underscore the importance patterns, distrust and communication Research built on studies showing
of the first five years as a foundation difficulties. Unfortunately, failure to that people who belong to many
for life.” navigate interpersonal situations – groups, whatever their nature, had
While self-esteem is less especially close relationships – fuels higher self-esteem.
susceptible to vicissitudes than a sort of vicious circle that reinforces The researchers, including
self-help exercises suggest, it may the things feared. A common Alexander Haslam and Catherine
be strengthened at certain life drawback for couples in which a Haslam (University of Queensland)
stages. “Midlife is a time of highly partner has low self-esteem is their and the University of Kansas’ Nyla
stable work, family and romantic tendency not to voice complaints out Branscombe, compared group
relationships. People increasingly of fear of rejection. memberships to the number of
occupy positions of power and status, “If your significant other is friends people had, and found that
which might promote feelings of self- not engaging in open and honest having a large network of friends
esteem,” says Richard Robins, PhD, conversation about the relationship, did not predict self-esteem, but
co-author of a study in the Journal it may not be that they don’t care, belonging to multiple groups did.
of Personality and Social Psychology. but rather that they feel insecure “Groups often have rich value and
“In contrast, older adults may be and are afraid of being hurt,” says belief systems, and when we identify
experiencing a change in roles such study author and PhD candidate with groups, these can provide a lens
as an empty nest, retirement and Megan McCarthy through which we see the world,” says
obsolete work skills in addition to The study concerning intimate Jetten. For example, religious groups
declining health.” partner communication concluded or organisations striving toward a
Later retirement age and medical that people with a more negative goal, such as reducing poverty, can
advances may delay declines in self- self-concept were more likely to be provide a greater sense of purpose.
esteem, which peaks at 60 on average beholden to doubts and anxieties Importantly, the positive correlation
before starting to decline. According about whether others care about between membership and self-esteem
to the study, self-esteem was lowest them. “This can drive low self-esteem was only apparent when people
among young adults but increased people toward defensive, self- considered the group in question
throughout adulthood, peaking at protective behaviour, such as avoiding to contribute to their sense of who
age 60 before declining. Education, confrontation,” says McCarthy. they were.
income, health and employment Cruelly, this self- and relationship- “Rather than fetishising self-
status all had some effect on the preservation effort may fulfil the esteem, a much better and probably
self-esteem trajectories, especially as prophecy by causing conflict or healthier and more effective strategy
people aged. “Specifically, we found relationship dissatisfaction. is to encourage people to have rich
that people who have higher incomes “We may think that staying quiet, social lives and multiple sources of
and better health in later life tend to in a ‘forgive and forget’ kind of way, social engagement. If you do that,
maintain their self-esteem as they is constructive, and certainly it can one important by-product will be
age,” says lead author Ulrich Orth, be when we feel minor annoyances,” improved self-esteem, but there will
PhD. It was possible that wealth says McCarthy. “But when we have a be lots of other benefits too,” says co-
and health related to feeling more serious issue in a relationship, failing author Haslam.
independent and better able to to address those issues directly can
contribute to one’s family and society, actually be destructive.”
which in turn bolsters self-esteem, Other relational experiences are
says Orth. common among those with high self-
esteem and may help to cultivate it. In
a collaborative study, Jolanda Jetten

[ mind space ]
truth or fiction?
While sufferers of low self-esteem are
often thought to incur misappraisals
that cause them to overestimate
negative characteristics and
downplay or overlook positive ones,
a cognitive bias can cause some of
us to overestimate our competence.
Yet far from being seen as a glitch to
be corrected, thinking you’re above
average may be a useful illusion,
according to Dr Mark Horswill from
the School of Psychology at the
University of Queensland.
Introducing the Dunning-Kruger makE pEacE,
not war
effect – a cognitive bias denoted by
mistaken appraisal of one’s ability as
above average. In their famed 1999 Do you really think an entire minority
study, published in the Journal of is malevolent, or have you failed
Personality and Social Psychology, clients, the way they self-manage at something that’s left you feeling
psychologists Justin Kruger and their time or inappropriate use of fragile? “This is one of the oldest
David Dunning reported that “those their smartphone isn’t on par with accounts of why people stereotype
with limited knowledge in a domain what’s expected of them. Because we and have prejudice: it makes us
suffer a dual burden: not only do don’t know what we don’t know, most feel better about ourselves,” says
they reach mistaken conclusions and people who are overstating how good Jeffrey Sherman of the University
make regrettable errors, but their they are at a task won’t ever know.” of California, Davis. “The issue is
incompetence robs them of the ability And despite the common that our mind wanders to more
to realise it.” Basically we’re blind assumption that we’re all wracked negative aspects of other groups,”
to our own shortcomings because, by self-doubt and malevolent inner says Sharman. His suggestion is to
according to Dunning and Kruger, the critics, research published in the view negative feelings about another
skills that engender competence are Proceedings of the National Academy group or person as an opportunity to
often the very same skills necessary to of Sciences reports that most people reflect on your self-esteem. “When
evaluate competence. actually evaluate themselves as you feel bad about yourself and catch
Otherwise known as illusory superior to average. yourself thinking negatively about
superiority – which is greater in “People are pre-wired to be other groups, remind yourself, ‘I may
people with greater connectivity very conscious of their strengths and be feeling this way because I just failed
between the parts of the brain successes while forgetful of their a test or something,’” he says.
thought to produce both sense of self weaknesses and failures,” says Dr
and reward – the Dunning-Kruger Kate Jacobs, a psychology lecturer
effect may flourish due to lack of at Monash University. Rather than such good contact with reality,” says
immediate feedback, which can misperceiving ourselves as less Dr Horswill.
cause corrections in unrealistic self- capable or valuable than we are, many “People who don’t have the
appraisals. Lack of extrinsic checks of us overestimate our competence illusory bias may be prone to mild
and balances may explain why some or value. “This produces positively depression. People with more severe
new employees enter a role seeming biased self-perceptions,” says depression tend to have negative
arrogant or cocky. Dr Jacobs. biases – that is, they think they’re
According to Sarah Adamson, But while grandiosity may be worse than everyone else. People who
mindset specialist and director of The self-defeating, alienating others we would say are mentally healthy
Happiness Experts, new employees and causing disappointments when have stronger biases. Possessing a
may benefit from blissful ignorance. lofty goals aren’t met, the milder relatively small amount of positive
“The effect is common in the ‘optimistic thought patterns’ – for self-illusion is considered a good
workplace when someone has which illusory superiority qualifies thing as it gives people the confidence
recently employed a new person and – may be protective and enable to try new things,” says Dr Jacobs.
they have no idea that they’re not perseverance in the face of challenges,
meeting the mark,” says Adamson. says Dr Horswill.
“They may have no idea that their “In psychology there’s a belief that @musemagazineau
phone voice, the way they manage mental health is all about contact with
reality, but this is one situation where
there may be advantages to not having

[ IN DEPTH ]
LOVE
[ in depth ]
What’s
love
got to do with it? Words: Mel ThoMson WiTh rebecca long
N
otions orbiting the
word ‘love’ have One way of describing love is as
been espoused, a process, the first stage of which
documented word love to describe our affection not has been coined ‘limerence’ by
and debated by only towards the people in our lives American psychologist Dorothy
philosophers, including family and friends, but also Tennov, PhD. Her 1979 book Love
psychologists, authors, poets and towards activities we undertake and and Limerence defines the stirrings
artists as a cornerstone of existential objects we favour. It’s not uncommon of love as ‘infatuated love’ or a state
enquiry for centuries. It has captivated to hear the phrase used in completely of mind experienced as euphoric
and puzzled mankind, been studied to contrasting contexts. “I love my with involuntary attraction to a
the nth degree and turned into some job”, “I love this dress”, “I love my person and a strong desire to have the
of the world’s most celebrated stories partner”. But what do we even mean, if feelings reciprocated.
– which often more closely align with anything? Does that mean we feel the “During this stage there is an
tragedy than the contemporary genre same way about a Witchery top as we increase in dopamine, which is
known as ‘romantic comedy’. Love do towards our partner on our wedding responsible for activating the pleasure
is riven with paradox (note the great day? And does what we feel when we centre of the brain, as well as oxytocin
passion and sorrow of Shakespeare’s say it necessarily translate at the other and vasopressin, which are connected
Romeo and Juliet, one of the most end – in the case that the receiver is a to bonding and attachment,” says
iconic tales of romantic love ever told), person? Hardly. Khuman. “There is also a reduction in
symbolism and the complexities that While it’s assumed that we all serotonin, which is connected to mood
accompany fundamental human needs know what love is and subscribe to and appetite. Activity in the amygdala,
and emotion. Perhaps the greatest a standard definition, the word is the part of the brain connected to
lesson from the explications of science steeped in uncertainty. In fact, Google fear, is also turned down. There’s a
and art is that, as far as topics go, it statistics show that ‘What is love?’ is suspension of fear and a lowering
doesn’t get much more complicated among the most searched phrases. of judgement.”
than love. According to psychologist and While the intensity of this stage
What is often obscured by the couple and family therapist Sian may spawn marriage proposals and
ubiquity of the word and flippancy Khuman, such uncertainty reflects the certainty of being meant to be with
with which it’s used in contexts less complexity of love. While we ‘feel’ love, each other, it is one of three stages en
profound than imagined by, say, Jane it is not an emotion in the way anger, route to true love – which biological
Austen is that it’s polymorphic. “There fear, sadness, guilt and joy are. anthropologist Helen Fisher calls
are as many forms of love as there are “Love is not a primary emotion, it’s “life’s greatest prize” and the “most
moments in time,” wrote the author, a neurochemical experience we get, it’s addictive substance on Earth”.
whose perspective on love’s many an action,” says Khuman. According to her, evolutionary agendas
guises continues to permeate popular have programmed all humans to crave
culture a century hence. We use the and pursue love.

Despite cultural variance in mores and rituals associated
with love – from arranged marriage to polygamy – love
universally follows a path from limerence or lust to
attachment, according to Fisher. Yet not all aspects of love
feel as heady as the first stage, and reaching true love or
attachment demands progressing through disappointment
and fury in stage two. Tennov estimates limerence as lasting
between 18 months and three years before the middle
phase begins. If the relationship survives the reality checks
of stage two, when idealisation fades and each partner’s
flaws or incompatibilities can become painfully obvious
or even unbearable, the final stage, attachment, is marked
by bonding hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which
help to consolidate the closeness required to feel secure in
depending on the other person. The rewards to which Fisher
refers include the emotional union and security realised
when attachment occurs.
That’s not to say navigating the stages of love guarantee its
longevity or that true love is free of pain.
“We all come with our own histories, beliefs, cultural
views and values of what a relationship should be,” says
Khuman. “Having two people work together to manage
all those differences is very difficult. Invariably things will
happen in the relationship, we can hurt the other person’s
feelings,” says Khuman. Enduring love demands consistent,
reciprocal generosity, compassion, empathy, integrity and
authenticity.
“Long-lasting love is not expressed in the form of an
obsession, it’s an experience of being,” says Khuman. “Love
is a full-time job.”
ChanCe or ChoiCe
In the age of the individual, where abundant consumerism
marries implicit licence to choose one’s lifestyle from a kind
of smorgasbord or design one to suit, single people have
more choice and opportunities than ever when it comes to
finding a potential life partner. The age of Tinder and face
time is a far cry from courting after an encounter at the
dance hall. In the wake of social mores defining and even
deifying ‘childbearing age’, in the IVF era where same-sex
marriage is accepted as a legitimate choice and the number
of childless heterosexual couples is increasing, love is now
truly postmodern. Or is it? That depends on whether you
view love as a sort of natural occurrence within a greater
design (fate) or whether you side with absolute discretion.
Khuman says that love is a choice and that people choose
to actively love their partner.
The father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud also
imagined love as discretionary, espousing that choice of
partner is made according to two core ‘types’ of need –
that pertaining to nurturing or narcissistic needs. In On
Narcissism, he argued that in practice, this means we
are attracted to those who are similar to us or mirror our
perception of self and the ideal qualities we wish to imagine
we have, or someone who has strengths in perceived areas
of lack or weakness. We pursue those who either mirror us
or complement us. Imagined into a framework, he likened
suitable partners to furnish nurturing needs as ‘the woman
who feeds him’ or ‘the man who protects him’ (or her). The

[ in depth ]
person likely to fulfil narcissistic

needs, on the other hand, was
described as ‘what he himself is’, ‘what
he himself was’, and ‘what he himself
would live to be’.
Freud wrote: “…a person will love in
conformity with the narcissistic type of
object choice [psychoanalytic parlance
for ‘person-choice’], will love what he
once was and no longer is, or else what
possesses the excellences which he
never had at all.”
Blind truth
The notion of blind love has been
prevalent throughout history. In
Roman mythology, Cupid, the god of
desire, is often depicted as winged,
equipped with bow and arrow and
blindfolded. The proverb ‘Love is blind’
does have scientific merit according
to Khuman, particularly during the that enables us to feel as one can also
limerence stage of love. Consider its undermine relationships through lack
basis as a kind of set of mental road of recognition of the other person’s psychosis”. The enduring questions of
closures, diverting traffic towards love. wishes and needs. whether love is both addictive and a
“You have rose-coloured glasses The way in which we experience symptom of madness have been given
on; there’s less critical thinking taking love is determined in part by early fresh relevance by science quantifying
place. You experience and see the experiences and the internal working chemical and neuronal responses –
person in more pleasurable ways. It model we’ve formed for relationships, is love really addictive? And does it
immobilises thought and judgement according to the famous attachment really make you crazy? The former
and channels in to focus on a particular theory coined by John Bowlby. question has been met by advances in
person. If you think of this for the Cultural context, beliefs and values, measurement of neurotransmitters
purpose of procreation, there’s a lot of whether belonging to society or one’s such as dopamine and bonding
reward and connection going on. Once family of origin, are also influential, hormone oxytocin, in addition to the
oxytocin and vasopressin are reduced, says clinical psychologist Dr permissiveness of the downregulation
that’s when the rose-coloured glasses Vivienne Cass. of mentalising.
come off. You see your partner more “If someone is raised in a culture Biological anthropologist and
clearly. That’s the point when you where falling in love means becoming love expert Dr Helen Fisher, PhD,
make a decision to actively love the highly emotional then they will ‘do’ has examined the brain activity of
person,” says Khuman. falling in love in that way. In another people who had recently fallen in love
Another road closure that enables culture where such behaviours using functional magnetic resonance
us to fall truly, madly, deeply is the are not part of the falling in love imaging (fMRI). She concluded that
inhibition of ‘mentalising’, which is the experience, they may act differently,” participants who had feelings of
process of understanding the mental says Dr Cass. “The type of person intense romantic love displayed signs
state of ourselves and others. we are, our psychological make-up, of a chemical addiction, engaging
“The brain regions involved in the social groups we mix in, our ‘primordial dopamine pathways’
‘reading’ minds go ‘off-line’ when we families, neighbours, social clubs of the brain, including the ventral
are in love and involved in emotional and the culture in which we were tegmental area, the same region of the
experiences with someone we love,” raised and live will all play a factor in brain’s reward system activated during
says Melbourne-based psychologist affecting how much we experience cocaine and other drug addictions.
Fiona Lange, who practises a type these feelings.” Similarly, correlations have been
of talk therapy that seeks to repair found between brain functionality in
impediments to secure attachment driven to addiCtion both love and obsessive compulsive
and intimacy. Paradoxically, the system Ancient Greek philosopher Plato, disorder (OCD), particularly in
after whom platonic love was later relation to the lowering of serotonin.
famously named, called love a “grave In a study conducted by Professor of
mental disease”. Freud agreed with Psychiatry Dr Donatella Marazziti, it
the theory of love as mental malady,
deeming it “a state of temporary

What’s love got to do with it?
not my type less intense than those experienced in

a romantic relationship. “With friends,
in ancient greek philosophy, love was you don’t have to deal with all their
segmented into several ‘types’, some of challenges as much as you would in an
was discovered that the participants which are overlooked by modern english intimate relationship,” says Khuman.
who had recently fallen in love parlance. What is often referred to as
had similar levels of serotonin (a ‘unconditional love’ was, to the greeks, pet
neurotransmitter associated ‘agape’ while the chief differentiator There are remarkable correlations
with appetite, sleep and mood) as between the love between friends and between the relationship pet owners
participants who were experiencing that between intimate partners was ‘eros’, share with their dogs and the relationship
anxiety disorders. or sexual love (although eros demands young children share with their parent.
Khuman also agrees that the an entourage of other types). in a study conducted by lisa horn from
neurochemical side of love can be Whether you finish every text to close the Messerli research institute, the
expressed as a form of obsession. friends with ‘love you lots’ or seem to bond between humans and pet dogs
“Particularly in that limerence stage. ‘fall in love’ at the mere hint of day-old was likened to that between parents
You are channelled in to one focus. You stubble, brushing up on your love literacy and their infants. The so-called “secure
are focused on the pleasure,” she says. may help you to know what you mean. base effect”, through which infants
use their caregivers as a secure base
the aChe of love parentS/SiBlinGS when it comes to interacting with the
According to Freud, “We are never so The closest thing to unconditional love environment, was identified in canine
defenceless against suffering as when (agape) usually belongs to family, who in behaviour under conditions of ‘absent
we love, never so helplessly unhappy as theory can’t reject or abandon you. Yet it owner’, ‘silent owner’ and ‘encouraging
when we have lost our loved object or isn’t always the case. unconditional love owner’. other research acknowledged
its love.” can appear to have all sorts of conditions. similarities between the way owners feel
The susceptibility to pain conversely, ‘love’ that is abusive or and behave towards their pets and the
engendered by love, which anchors contingent on behaving a certain way way parents feel and behave with infants.
the genre of tragedy and is steeped in can appear unconditional and may be indiana university research classified
tales of capitulation through ruination, used to manipulate. ‘pet parents’ according to their style of
murder or suicide, is proportionate attachment to their dogs – humanist
to the intensity and vulnerability Bff (consider dog a close companion and
required to fall truly, madly, deeply. The type of love you feel for your closest pseudo-person or family member),
“When you are in love, if someone friend is different to that you feel for protectionist (value animals generally,
does something outside of the contract your partner, yet it is every bit as real. not just as pets) and dominionist
of the relationship, it can feel like a Friendships are formed through sharing (see animals as distinct from and less
breach or betrayal of the relationship.” common values and interests and rests important than people).
says Khuman. on mutual reward and respect. The
conTinued on
With love, everything – both good emotions we experience with friends are nexT page
and bad – is amplified. Relationship
expert Dr Karen Phillip, who has a
PhD of Philosophy in Sociology and a
master’s in International Family, says,
“Love, when it ends, can hurt intensely.
We lose our relationship and part of
our self. It is not unlike the mourning
process we feel when we lose someone
after death. We are in fact experiencing
the death of our relationship. Our
hopes and dreams have crashed and
we may feel lonely and dejected. This
results in us experiencing emotional
stress, and there is little difference
between physical pain and emotional
pain in our brain, according to
neuroimaging studies.”
In fact, ‘broken heart syndrome’,
(Takotsubo cardiomyopathy) has
been documented as a bona fide
condition presenting to hospital
emergency rooms.

[ in depth ]
New romaNtics
T
o fall in love with all the excitement of a love affair. The
someone feels like feelings of love that we are familiar
such a personal with at the start of a relationship are
and spontaneous expected to prevail over a lifetime.
process, it can sound Romanticism took marriage (hitherto
strange — and even seen as a practical and emotionally
rather insulting — to suggest that temperate union) and fused it
something else (we might call it together with the passionate love
society or culture) may be playing story to create a unique proposition:
a covert, critical role in governing the life-long passionate love marriage.
our relationships in their most Along the way, Romanticism united
intimate moments. love and sex. Previously, people had
Yet our loves unfold against a imagined that they could have sex
cultural backdrop that creates a with characters they didn’t love,
powerful sense of what is ‘normal’ in and that they could love someone
love; it subtly guides us as to where we without having extraordinary sex
should place our emotional emphases, with them. Romanticism elevated
it teaches us what to value, how to sex to the supreme expression of
approach conflicts, what to get excited love. Frequent, mutually satisfying
about, when to tolerate, and what we sex became the bellwether of the
can be legitimately incensed by. Love health of any relationship. Without
has a history and we ride – sometimes necessarily meaning to, Romanticism
rather helplessly – on its currents. made infrequent sex and adultery
Since around 1750, we have been into catastrophes.
living in a highly distinctive era in Romanticism proposed that
the history of love that we can call true love must mean an end to all rape, infidelity, beating, hardness of
Romanticism. Romanticism emerged loneliness. The right partner would, heart and screams heard through the
as an ideology in Europe in the mid- it promised, understand us entirely, nursery doors.
18th century in the minds of poets, possibly without needing to speak For Romanticism, the marriage of
artists and philosophers, and it has to us. They would intuit our souls. reason was not reasonable at all, which
now conquered the world, powerfully (Romantics put a special premium is why what it replaced it with – the
(yet always quietly) determining on the idea that our partner might marriage of feeling – has largely been
how a shopkeeper’s son in Yokohama understand us without us needing to spared the need to account for itself.
will approach a first date, how a say anything…). What matters is that two people wish
scriptwriter in Hollywood will shape Romanticism believed that desperately that it happen, are drawn
the ending of a film, or when a middle- choosing a partner should be about to one another by an overwhelming
aged woman in Buenos Aires might letting oneself be guided by feelings instinct and know in their hearts that
decide to call it a day with her civil rather than practical considerations. it is right. The modern age has had
servant husband of 20 years. For most of recorded history hitherto, enough of ‘reasons’, those catalysts of
No single relationship ever follows people had fallen into relationships misery, those accountants’ demands.
the Romantic template exactly, but its and married for logical, pragmatic Indeed the more imprudent a
broad outlines are frequently present sorts of reasons: because her parcel marriage appears (perhaps it’s been
nevertheless – and might be summed of land adjoined yours, his family only six weeks since they met; one
up as follows: Romanticism is deeply had a flourishing grain business, of them has no job or both are barely
hopeful about marriage. It tells us her father was the magistrate in out of their teens), the safer it may
that a long-term marriage can have town, there was a castle to keep up, actually be deemed to be, for apparent
or both sets of parents subscribed ‘recklessness’ is taken as a counter-
to the same interpretation of a holy weight to all the errors and tragedies
text. And from such ‘reasonable’ vouchsafed by the so-called sensible
marriages there flowed loneliness, unions of old. The prestige of instinct

What’s love got to do with it?
Romanticism believes that true

love should involve delighting in
a lover in their every aspect. True
love is synonymous with accepting
everything about someone. The idea
that one’s partner (or oneself ) may
need to change is taken to be a sign from our ineptitude, our own messed-
that the relationship is on the rocks; up inadequacy or our own regrettable
‘you’re going to have to change’ is a (one now thinks) choices of partners.
last-ditch threat. Knowing the history invites another,
This template of love is a historical more useful idea: we alone are not to
creation. It’s a hugely beautiful and blame, we were set an incredibly hard
often enjoyable one. The Romantics task by our culture, which then had
were brilliantly perceptive about the temerity to present it as easy.
some facets of emotional life and It seems crucial systematically
were extremely talented about to question the assumptions of the
expressing their hopes and longings. Romantic view of love – not in order
Many of the feelings had existed to destroy love, but to save it. We need
before, but what the Romantics did to piece together a post-Romantic
was elevate them, turning them from theory of couples, because in order
passing fancies into serious concepts to make a relationship last we almost
which determine how to manage a have to be disloyal to the Romantic
relationship over a lifetime. emotions that get us into it in the
We can at this point state boldly: first place. The idea of being ‘post-
Romanticism has been a disaster for Romantic’ shouldn’t imply cynicism;
our relationships. It is an intellectual that one has abandoned the hope of
and spiritual movement which has relationships ever working out well.
had a devastating impact on the The post-Romantic attitude is just as
ability of ordinary people to lead ambitious about good relationships,
successful emotional lives. The but it has a very different sense of how
is the legacy of a collective traumatised salvation of love lies in overcoming to honour the hopes.
reaction against too many centuries of a succession of errors within We need to replace the Romantic
unreasonable ‘reason’. Romanticism. Our strongest cultural template with a psychologically
Romanticism has manifested a voices have – to our huge cost – set mature vision of love we might call
powerful disdain for practicalities us up with the wrong expectations. classical, which encourages in us a
and money. Nowadays, under the They’ve highlighted emotions that range of unfamiliar but hopefully
influence of Romanticism, we don’t tell us very much that’s useful effective attitudes:
don’t like these elements to be at about how to make relationships work
the forefront of our minds around while drawing attention away from This is an edited extract from The
relationships, especially in the others that offer more constructive School of Life’s Book of Life (bookoflife.
early days. It feels cold – or just un- guidance. We deserve sympathy. We’re org). To further explore ideas and
Romantic – to say you’ll know you’re surrounded by a culture that offers a thoughts about love, marriage, dating
with the right person because the two well-meaning but fatally skewed ideal and relationships, consider 100
of you make an excellent financial fit of how relationships might function. Questions: Love Edition – A Toolkit
or because you gel over things like We’re trying to apply a very unhelpful for Relationships ($34.50 approx.),
bathroom etiquette and attitudes to script to a hugely tricky task. This available at theschooloflife.com
punctuality. People, we feel, only turn Romantic script is both normative
to practical considerations when all and at points delusional.
else has failed (‘I couldn’t find love, Knowing the history of
I had to settle for convenience’), or Romanticism should be consoling
because they are sinister (the gold- – because it suggests that quite a
digger, the social climber). lot of the troubles we have with
relationships don’t stem (as we
normally, guiltily end up thinking)
[ IN DEPTH ]
WHAT’S YOUR
INTERPERSONAL
PATTERN?
Is your past littered with attraction to unavailable partners or
recurring roadblocks to intimacy or lasting love? Attachment
style can impact short- and long-term relationships in subtle and
not-so-subtle ways.
T
WORDS: NATASHA THOMPSON
he basics of attachment
theory are ubiquitous
in studies scrutinising
the mechanisms that
facilitate and cripple secure attachment we tend to find Dr Heller’s ideas are not new. The
interpersonal relations. relationships are easier,” says Dr Heller. beliefs, native to attachment theory,
It suggests that when it comes to “We expect to be treated well and know have been making their way into love
intimate relationships – for which that is what we deserve.” literature since the ’60s, with the
close friends qualify – we all have a For a person who doesn’t experience pioneering work of British psychologist
default attachment style. It’s a pattern a secure childhood relationship, one and psychiatrist John Bowlby. Studying
of behaviour that develops early in life; of two attachment styles is likely to the behaviour of infants separated
sculpted by the types of attachments develop. “Avoidant attachment results from their caregivers, Bowlby proposed
we experience from significant when parents have been extremely that humans are not only evolved
others, mostly our parents. “Much unavailable, neglectful, absent or to seek attachment from caregivers,
of our current adult behaviour can outright hostile,” says Dr Heller. “This their development depends on it.
be considered a reflex from our early environment teaches the child to regard Specifically, Bowlby noted that children
attachment patterning,” says Dr Diane relationships as unfulfilling because who formed a strong attachment with
Heller, an American therapist who they do not meet their natural needs…. a caregiver had a necessary sense of
specialises in adult attachment and Adults with this history often diminish security and foundation from which to
trauma. “We all grow up in a relational the importance of relationships and explore the world. Without this secure
field with our original caregivers – a focus more on work or hobbies or avoid attachment, children expended energy
matrix of sorts that embodies the investing emotional energy in others attempting to find it, at the cost of their
relational dynamics of the family… beyond a superficial level.” development. These children were
these ingrained patterns may strongly Those with ambivalent/anxious more fearful and less likely to explore
influence how we see and feel in all of attachment, on the other hand, invest new experiences. Developmental
our later relationships. They create a a lot in relationships. “The anxiously psychologist Mary Ainsworth furthered
blueprint of expectations.” attached child or adult can never relax Bowlby’s work. Using her ingenious
What does this blueprint look in the relationship,” says Dr Heller. ‘strange situation’ experiment, she
like? For a person who experiences This style, which develops in response identified the three aforementioned
a ‘secure’ attachment – caregivers to a ‘here-today-gone-tomorrow’ styles of attachment.
who are loving, responsive, present, style of bonding, leads to frustration “Those of us that are fortunate
safe, and available, and who allow for and ongoing relational insecurity. to begin life in secure attachment
a balance between autonomy and “Even if at a time the parents were typically find it easier to connect, to
connection – the blueprint consists authentically loving, unpredictable commit when we find a good potential
of trust, respect, stability and a strong caregiving and emotional inconsistency partner, and to maintain contact,”
sense of self. “When we are raised with may have manifested in a way that the says Dr Heller. “We make enough
person feels incapable of ever being pro-relationship choices that are
truly loved.” ‘win wins’ for each person that our

because of our social abilities,” he says.
“It would be very disadvantageous
if we had one attachment style from health are related to the number and
childhood that went right through life diversity of social connections we have.
with us. This is why I believe childhood If attachment style is malleable, how
attachment doesn’t correlate with adult do we change it? Dr Levine believes the
attachment. That is the beauty of the fastest way is to surround ourselves with
social brain – it’s malleable.” secure people. He gives the example
So what does determine our adult of a friend who went to Paris with her
attachment style? Dr Levine believes partner. “Imagine you’ve been planning
relationships in the present are more this for months and then you get there
influential. He explains his stance and the whole time your partner walks a
in light of the ‘peer bonding system’, few steps ahead of you. How would you
an ancient attachment system that feel?” he asks. “This actually happened
humans developed as a way to survive to a friend of mine but she knew her
in hunter-gatherer times. “It’s a partner was like that so she arranged all
surveillance system in our brain that these coffee stops along the way so she
is constantly at work, making sure the could catch up.” It seems a strange and
other person is ok. Secure people know somewhat banal example but Dr Levine
it instinctively, that their wellbeing is describes it as the perfect illustration
dependent on their partner’s wellbeing, of secure responding. “It’s all about
so they take responsibility for this…. viewing the situation with a certain
You can learn a lot from what happened perspective. Another person might be in
to you in childhood, but I think the peer that scenario and think, ‘he doesn’t love
bonding system (PBS) is designed to me, he doesn’t even want to walk next
coupledom is preserved and rich.” But work with the things that are happening to me’, but if there is someone secure in
for those who don’t grow up with this in the here and now.” the mix, see what a difference it makes.
secure attachment, relationships can be Today the PBS lives on through our “Secure people are like the ‘O’
difficult. “If attachment was impaired biology. “There are literally receptors in blood type,” says Dr Levine. “They’re
by too many disruptions in bonding the brain that respond and are designed compatible with everyone and they’re
with caregivers, we may later fear that to seek out a person in the crowd,” says abundant.” And being around them will
our adult relationships will bring us the Dr Levine. Have you ever felt ‘sick to help you become more secure, says the
same pain,” says the therapist. “Though the stomach’ at the thought of asking doctor. “It’s the little details, what I call
we may be in a present-day relationship, someone out, being rejected or being CARRP – being considerate, available,
we expect to wake up in the living room dumped? The PBS might be to blame reliable, responsive, and predictable
of Mum and Dad.” for that. – that really constitute secure
But while it’s often assumed that “There can be a lot of pain when we attachment. When these ingredients
attachment style assessed in early experience social rejection,” says Dr are there, in romantic relationships, but
childhood endures and manifests Levine. “There are areas in the brain even in friendships and the workplace,
similarly in adulthood, it isn’t related to physical pain that light up that is when people really flourish.
necessarily so simple according when we experience social rejection. The therapy I do is very different. The
to psychiatrist and molecular Studies have shown that paracetamol manual I have put together includes
neuroscience researcher Dr Amir can actually help reduce this pain…. The research from peer bonding biology and
Levine. “(Adult) attachment styles are biological truth is that we’re designed neuroscience. If you don’t understand
not equivalent to the attachment styles to be with one person; think about the the neuroscience behind relationships,
in children, nor are they directly related wound healing studies.” you can’t understand how tiring dating
to the attachment styles in children,” The studies Dr Levine cites can be.”
he says. “There is no firm correlation show that couples in conflict have Whether you believe attachment
between childhood attachment style measurably slower wound healing than styles endure from infancy or change
(measured in the strange situation test) conflict-free peers. Other studies have throughout life, science suggests that
and self-report adult attachment styles.” shown the role physical touch may secure relationships are the key to
Dr Levine does not discredit the role play, with individuals demonstrating living life well. “You have to know that
of childhood attachment entirely, but dramatic deactivation of brain attachment bonding is related to our
he believes the adaptive nature of the regions associated with anticipatory exploratory drive,” says Dr Levine,
human brain lends itself to a different stress when a partner, as opposed “because it has huge ramifications
explanation for adult attachment. to a stranger, holds their hand. But for how you’ll perform in the world. If
“We exist in every part of this planet the effect isn’t limited to intimate someone has your back, you’ll thrive.
relationships. Other research has If you don’t have this, you won’t do
shown that both physical and mental as well.”

[ in depth ]
AttAchment questionnAire
this questionnaire is taken from Attached, the 2010 self-help read by psychiatrist Dr Amir Levine and
scientist rachel heller. it is designed to assess how you typically relate to other people in the context of
intimate relationships. it was inspired by the experience in close relationship (ecr) questionnaire.
read the following statements and decide whether they are true or false. When the statement is true, circle the letter that follows (a, B or C).
I often worry that my partner will stop loving me. A I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner. A
I find it easy to be affectionate with my partner. B I have little difficulty expressing my needs and wants to my B
partner.
I fear that once someone gets to know the real me, she/he A I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without c
won’t like who I am. knowing why.
I find that I bounce back quickly after a breakup. It’s weird c I am very sensitive to my partner’s moods. A
how I can just put someone out of my mind.
When I’m not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat A I believe most people are essentially honest and B
anxious and incomplete. dependable.
I find it difficult to emotionally support my partner when c I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate c
she/he is feeling down. sex with one person.
When my partner is away, I’m afraid that she/he might A I’m comfortable sharing my personal thoughts and feelings B
become interested in someone else. with my partner.
I feel comfortable depending on romantic partners. B I worry that if my partner leaves me I might never find A
someone else.
my independence is more important to me than my c It makes me nervous when my partner gets too close. c
relationships.
If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out B If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, I B
other people, I don’t let it faze me. I might feel a pang of may wonder what’s happened, but I’ll know it’s probably not
jealousy, but it’s fleeting. about me.
When I show my partner how I feel, I’m afraid she/he will A an argument with my partner doesn’t usually cause me to B
not feel the same about me. question our entire relationship.
I am generally satisfied with my romantic relationships. B my partners often want me to be more intimate than I feel c
comfortable being.
I don’t feel the need to act out much in my romantic B I worry that I’m not attractive enough. A
relationships.
I think about my relationships a lot. A I hate feeling that other people depend on me. c
I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners. c I prefer not to share my innermost feelings with my partner. c
If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out c If my partner was to break up with me, I’d try my best to A
other people, I feel relieved – it means she/he is not looking show her/him what she/he is missing (a little jealousy can’t
to make things exclusive. hurt).
If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out A If someone I’ve been dating for several months tells me she/he B
other people, it makes me feel depressed. wants to stop seeing me, I’d feel hurt at first, but I’d get over it.
during a conflict, I tend to impulsively do or say things I A sometimes when I get what I want in a relationship, I’m not c
later regret rather than be able to reason about things. sure what I want anymore.
If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, c I won’t have much of a problem staying in touch with my ex B
I’ll probably be indifferent; I might even be relieved. (strictly platonic)—after all, we have a lot in common.
If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, A
I’ll worry that I’ve done something wrong.

What’s your interpersonal pattern?
ACTION POINTS
Your attachment style might compromise your relationships
or even make being in a relationship seem impossible. But the
good news is they aren’t fixed. “Studies show that, in adults, 25
per cent of people change their attachment style in the course
of several years, and that is without therapy,” says Dr Levine. Dr
Heller also “strongly feel(s) there is wiggle room long after the
Add up all Add up all Add up all early years”. If you are experiencing relational issues, you might
circled As: circled Bs: circled Cs: want to consider their advice…
ADVICE FROM DR LEVINE:

The Dater: If you have an anxious or avoidant
Mostly As = Anxious attachment: You love to be very close
attachment style, the most valuable thing you can do
to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great
is look for a partner with a stable attachment, says Dr
intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does
Levine. How do you identify the securely attached?
not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be.
“Look for the qualities of CARRP (considerate, available,
Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional
reliable, responsive, and predictable) or you can do a
energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in
CARRP intervention. There’s a lot of flakiness in dating
your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses
today. You can rein this in with a CARRP intervention.
are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviours too
If you are trying to organise a date and the other person
personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions within
is not committing, try to lock it down. You could say,
the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend
‘I’m very busy this week but I’m free on Monday and
to act out and say things you later regret. If the other person
Thursday night.’ An avoidant person will try to leave it
provides a lot of security and reassurance, however, you are
open – they like things to remain wishy-washy so they
able to shed much of your preoccupation and feel contented.
don’t have to commit.”
The Mismatched Partner: If you are already in a
Mostly Bs = Secure attachment: Being warm and loving in a
relationship and neither of you have a secure attachment
relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate
style, don’t fear – you can learn to be more securely
without becoming overly worried about your relationships.
attached, says Dr Levine. “In my therapy I encourage
You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don’t
people to start focusing on the CARRP relationships in
get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively
their lives,” he says. “I see myself as a facilitator, helping
communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are
people turn down the volume on insecure attachments
strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding
in their lives, and turn up the volume on the secure
to them. You share your successes and problems with your
ones. It’s these small, significant interactions; they can
mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.
literally change the brain, they are a vehicle to change.”
Mostly Cs = Avoidant attachment: It is very important for you
to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you
ADVICE FROM DR HELLER:
The Anxiously Attached: “The anxiously attached
often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though
child or adult can never relax in the relationship,” says Dr
you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable
Heller. “If they feel loved now, the question always arises:
with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at
what about tomorrow? There is the tremendous desire
arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about your
for loving connection entangled with the debilitating fear
romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not
of losing it.” Dr Heller suggests learning all the different
to open up to your partners and they often complain that you
ways people show love and practising identifying them.
are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high
She recommends Gary Chapman’s bestseller The Five
alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory
Love Languages as a good place to start.
by your partner. “People who are avoidant actually suffer quite
The Avoidantly Attached: “Avoidantly attached
a lot,” says Dr Levine. “They think they just haven’t found the
children, as they move into adulthood, overly rely on
right person yet. They have these beliefs that they have to be
themselves and dismiss others as not important,” says Dr
self-sufficient above all, and so when someone gets too close,
Heller. She suggests corrective experiences that break the
they think they are impinging on this (self-sufficiency) with
grip of a wounded past, such as the ‘kind eyes’ exercise.
their neediness.”
“You imagine someone lighting up when they open their
door and see you. You take that image and feel into your
eyes and allow your eyes to reach out to that joy you see
Extracted with permission from Attached by in the other person’s eyes…when successful, this exercise
Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, published by
TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random helps to restore healthy contact and reduces the defences
House LLC. Copyright © 2012 by Amir Levine and/or disconnection in the eyes.”
and Rachel Heller.

SALE
[ IN DEPTH ]
SEX FOR
Are paid intimate

encounters really
‘just business’?
WORDS: REBECCA LONG

C
HANEL* is preparing to kidnap
a middle-aged businessman.
But her victim won’t be caught
unawares in a park; he’s got an
appointment. And unlike the
stars of Crime Stoppers, he’ll
be released after two hours, pay the $400 or PART-TIME AFFECTION
so fee and go back to work – or perhaps home A young family probably lives in this
to his wife. Mistress Chanel is a tall, pert- small, cream-painted brick house in one of
breasted beauty who also works as a nurse, Melbourne’s trendier inner-northern suburbs.
teacher and policewoman. When I phone The kids will saunter home from the local
at the time she has nominated in an email primary school shortly and let themselves
– 8pm, when it’s quiet – a voice as deep as in. That’s what most people assume, says the
Sylvester Stallone’s throws me off my line of receptionist, whose parents would die if they
questioning and I clumsily joke that this kind knew she worked here. There’s no red light
of gender bending wouldn’t wash in a German and the seediest bit seems to be the buns
grammar exam. The phrase “I’m a woman, on a couple of half-eaten burgers from the
darling” reverberates like a glockenspiel. One: McDonald’s next door. After pressing a button
Chanel has been a female dominatrix (or Fem to open the wrought iron gate, walking up an
Dom) at Fetish House, one of Melbourne’s enclosed alley and forcing the wooden door,
few legally permitted and licensed bondage a moderately attractive 20-something sitting
and sadomasochism (BDSM) centres, since behind a counter asks what she can do for me.
Mistress Tara spotted her posing in PVC at I feel I should tell her I’m here for a cut and
the motorbike exhibition. Two: some of her blow wave as I look at the computer with the
colleagues are female submissives (Fem Subs). day’s appointments and the EFTPOS machine.
Three: don’t mistake the mistress for a hooker; It’s not so different to waiting for foils, minus
her KPIs make what author Erica Jong called the copy of Famous on the table between the
“a zipless f**k” (the unstringiest of no-strings maroon couches in the small waiting room.
sex) look like child’s play. It’s not until I notice a bed through a door
“It’s not like a brothel, where it’s all pelvic that’s been left ajar that I remember I’m in
thrust,” Chanel insists. In fact, from her job a whorehouse.
description she sounds like a veritable Freud. The receptionist tries her best but none of
“It’s extremely complex – you have to get the girls tottering through will speak with me.
inside men’s heads – not just anybody can “You’d probably have more luck with the
do it.” Likewise, not just anybody can be – or night girls,” she says. “A lot of these are mums
chooses to be – a client. So-called ‘submissive’ and keep it [their vocation] quiet.”
clients, whose consult fees keep doms in The receptionist, whose slightly too big
high-end latex, tend to be male and aged over pant suit mocks the skin of a schoolgirl,
35, with some experience, er, behind them. gestures for me to follow her down one of two
“That’s when they’re mature enough to know hallways flecked with period light fittings and
what they want sexually,” says Chanel. Mental ceiling roses. I scribble ‘Pretty Woman’ as
note: Why on Earth didn’t they mention this in she gushes gory details. The workers range in
Love Actually? age from 18 to 60-something. “When we say
While Chanel’s clients come from all granny, we mean granny,” she says. Clients can
walks of life, subs often occupy positions of be as old as 75. At 4.10pm, one such gentleman
professional power – high-profile legal eagles limps in and, through a thick European accent,
are in the diary – and presumably share a need apologises for being late. Meanwhile, a short
to temporarily escape it. That’s where the woman, maybe 38, pushes backwards through
dungeons come in. Nestled deep within Fetish the door, lugging what looks like the week’s
House, three dungeon rooms are cold and too food shopping. Her tracksuit pants drag on the
small to fit the pride that tends to be left at the ground as she rustles down the hallway to the
door. Among the inventory of services is by- dressing room. She’s already gasping and her
the-hour humiliation, which can be conducted seven-hour shift hasn’t started.
in one of the many themed rooms – medical,
fantasy, kitchen – or in the warren of hallways.
Here, men – and less commonly, women – tug
on leashes, yap like Chihuahuas and perform
other submissive acts that defy the usual adult
imperative to at least believe one is in control.

[ IN DEPTH ]
SUPPLY AND DEMAND

It’s a seductive notion, that paying
for sex is reserved for desperados closure even after orders from law
and deviants, but the figures tell a enforcement personnel. The elusive
different story. Estimates put the presence and cloaked operations of
number of transactions through illegal premises also defy an accurate
legal brothels in Victoria alone at count, says Swann. While Mistress
3.1 million a year. That’s more than Chanel and the women working at
two visits for each of the state’s 1.3 the salon-style brothel are protected
million or so men. And the garden- by Victoria’s Sex Work Regulations
variety sex that’s the stock in trade of 2006, which mandate in-room
brothels is just the tip of the iceberg. alarms and safe sex signage, the same
A face-to-face survey of visitors to isn’t so for the untold numbers of
sex health exhibition SEXPO in 2001 prostitutes working on the streets
found that 40 per cent of patrons who or in illegal brothels. One study
visited SEXPO, the annual health, suggests that around 60 per cent of
sexuality and lifestyle exhibition, had street workers in Queensland had
tried light bondage. And here’s the been sexually assaulted by a client,
end of the balding 40-year-old virgin compared to just three per cent of
myth: 55 per cent of patrons checking brothel workers. Frighteningly, in
out the brothels, table top dancing Victoria at least, illegal operations
venues, sex toys and escort services are thought to outnumber legal
at SEXPO were couples, the survey by ones. The state has some 90 licensed
adult retail association Eros found. brothels, but the Australian Adult
According to sex industry lobbyist and Entertainment Industry (AAEI) is on
Eros political advisor Robbie Swan, record estimating illegal operations at
“People have always been aroused 400. Apply the maths to NSW, which
by nearly everything, whether has more sex workers than any other
that be feet or fannies.” In fact, it’s state, according to the Sex Services
only in recent times that sex as a Premises Planning Advisory Council,
leisure activity has become taboo. In and there are a lot of women taking
ancient Mesopotamia, where sexual their lives in their hands each time
appetites were shamelessly declared, they clock on.
Sumerian priests saw prostitution as
being so unequivocally commercial HIDDEN COSTS
that they founded and ran the first Images of dark alleys and the
documented knocking shop – a cautionary tales being swapped by
temple-cum-bordello. In stunning the women who have come to the
contrast, brothels were illegal in Prostitutes Collective of Victoria mid-
Victoria until 1996. Now in Victoria, afternoon – mostly to shower and eat
licensed brothels or escort agencies something – seem a world away from
are the only places it’s legal to provide the bright interior neighboured by
sexual services under the Sex Work laundromats and St Kilda beach. The
Act 1994. The Business Licensing woman on the school-style plastic
Authority grants registration to chair beside me asks whether I’d like
brothels and escort agencies much to go before her as I look up from one
like it does travel agents, and the of the health brochures I’ve picked
state has some 94 licensed brothels, up from the counter. Her eyes tell me
with double that number of licence she hasn’t slept for days and may be
applications pending. bearing the vestiges of bruises. “Are
Unlicensed service providers face you sure?” she presses. This is the
penalties from a fine to five years’ last bastion of safety for freelance
imprisonment. Anyone entering sex workers. While some pop in for
or leaving unlicensed sex work a shower, or tea and a biscuit, others
provision premises can be charged. come to get the word on hazards on
But they do exist and many resist the street. The woman behind what
looks like reception in a two-star hotel
tells me the room the size of a master

Sex for sale
bedroom contains intelligence on

attempted kidnappings, assaults, become bookings. Couples, single
missing persons and other predatory guys, but no girls as yet (they’re more
behaviour. Apparently there’s been a than welcome, though!).
suspect blue Mazda and no one’s seen Most things are on the menu and
one particular woman for a week. there’s a set charge of $180. “That’s for
The ratty moustaches and cars they whatever, however long,” says John. I
describe would be impossible to spot tell him it sounds very reasonable and
from a dark corner. he asks whether I’m interested. He’s
A couple of suburbs and a world half joking, but I know if I popped
away, an Asian woman struggling to over now he’d offer me more than a
make five foot answers the door in a white with one.
sheer red negligee, presumably nylon, “You don’t have to have us
that glistens in the afternoon sun. together,” he insists. Good to know.
Amid factory and seconds outlets in
gritty-cool inner-urban Collingwood SURVIVAL INSTINCT
sits a disused single-fronted shop Forget Pretty Woman – Candy is every
with the windows and door painted a bit a girl. I can’t believe she’s 22. But
shy mauve. The smell of meaty pasties her bird-like frame and milky white
from the pie shop next door wafts into skin as yet untouched by UVB belie
the cobblestone alley and hangs over a toughness that says, ‘Wank on me
the doorstep. The lady in red invites and I’ll call security; says so on the
me in and leaves me with Pia, who door.’ For her, being an exotic dancer
looks much like a waitress at my local means food for her and her five-year-
Chinese restaurant, only prettier and old daughter. The single mum strips
her English isn’t as good. She’s not for $15 per show, no matter how
sure what ‘relaxation therapy’ means many people pay the $15 admission.
when I point to the menu on the wall. She’s been doing it for two years and
It’s only her second day, she says. her parents don’t know. “It never
comes up,” she reasons. Meanwhile,
EXHIBITIONISM Sharna, from whom I’ve just declined
V VOYEURISM a two-dollar lap dance, is re-stocking
SCOTT* thinks he’s done a good job. the drinks machine in the foyer and
I can’t vouch for the sex, because I says the job is crap. “People think
opted instead for an exotic dance we make heaps of money, but it’s not
show in the theatre next door. But like that. In the past year, trade has
the 29-year-old assures me that he really dropped off and our bosses
and his real-life girlfriend gave the are taking more of the share.” It’s a
audience more than their $15 worth. common story among sex workers.
The music starts and you’d think Word on the street is that the only
the patrons were at Sunday mass the ones still making reasonable money
way they stop talking mid-sentence are high-class escorts, who help
and fall still. Why on Earth would corporate types pull off lucrative
‘respectable’ people pay to come deals, and demand limousine
here? Considering it’s five dollars transfers. However, Sharna has a
cheaper than a porn DVD from the different theory, saying cyber babes
shop upstairs, and that the adult are keeping the horny at home. Online
complex enjoys convenient proximity pornography and live sex shows turn
to the culinary hotbed of Chinatown, over more than US$3 billion a year.
why wouldn’t they? But the big-money myth endures. A
For John* and his girlfriend, call to the Prostitutes Collective of
prostitution seemed like a good way Victoria, which provides free medical
to meet new friends. Since the de and legal advice, and assists with
facto 45 and 23-year-olds placed accommodation and hot showers,
an ad in the local paper a couple of reveals that prostitution is still on the
months ago, they’ve had on average careers table. On paper, at least, it’s
six calls a week, of which two or three the dream job.
*Not her/his real name

[ IN DEPTH ]
FANTASY V REALITYHas your idea of love been tainted by hypocritical ideals?
W
hen it comes
to monetising
desire, no tool
is riper for
exploitation
than sex.
Imagined as synonymous with
love, Hollywood’s conception of
sex as a hedonic free-for-all may
cause those in more stable yet
unremarkable relationships – think
‘happily married’ – to question
their contentment.
The success of the Fifty Shades of
Grey franchise may be all that needs
saying when it comes to describing
a rift between Australia’s cultural
self-image, actual proclivities and
pragmatism, according to response to
a shortened version of the widely used
Love Attitudes Scale questionnaire.
The collective self-image of
Australia – along with Britain and the
US – is squarely at odds with relational
norms espoused by Hollywood.
Despite being renowned for a shyer
attitude to sex than, say, the nudity-
loving Danes or amorous French,
Australians imagine even matrimonial
or de facto love conservatively –
minus the primal charge associated
with the chief type of romantic love,
eros, according to a study of cultural
differences in attitudes to love
published in journal Psicothema.
While the type of love that signals
wild passion and the sort of abandon
imagined by films with rompish
sexual plotlines may not be personally
familiar to most of those exposed to
it, it has set cultural ideals related
to or imagined by movies such as
Last Night.

Sex for sale
The connection between love

and sex may show how women are
socialised to see sex as an expression
“Cinema has created many myths, of love, Montemurro says, noting the
and has made us believe things that are apparent failure of the women’s rights
not real,” because in reality “passion movement and reclamation of female
dwindles, and life in a couple is a sexual desire as impotent against
transactional game in which one has cultural messages encouraging women
to overcome frictions,” says the author to connect sex and love and equating
of a study that indicts Hollywood for sex outside committed relationships
false beliefs about what is ‘normal’. with promiscuity and moral depravity.
“The movies end when the real stories “On one hand, the media may seem
are about to begin,” says study leader to show that casual sex is okay, but at
Victoria Ferrer. the same time, movies and television,
Yet there is disjunction between especially, tend to portray women who
fantasy and reality; fantasy endures are having sex outside of relationships
among even older people. Moreover, Latin countries, such as Latin America, negatively,” says Montemurro.
despite pragmatism lending a dip in Ferrer says, suggesting that the Similarly, marriage is often
subscription to such ideals in middle population’s expressive culture and portrayed as largely sexless, even
life, the idea of a ‘mythical idea of love’ fledgling attention to gender equality though the participants in the study
seems to return in later life. as factors. “Romantic love is probably said that sex was an important
Age tended to correlate with less egalitarian than friendship-based part of their marriage, according
the idea of love as being based on love, although this is something we are to Montemurro.
friendship, according to a study of studying,” she says. “For the women I interviewed, they
agreement with varying definitions of Defying the celluloid stereotype of seemed to say you need love in sex and
love. Banquet love, or altruistic love one-night stands enabling the kind you need sex in marriage.”
marked by making sacrifices for the of sex those with mortgages and kids
welfare of the other, also increased can only dream of, the theory of love
with age while belief in love as a ‘game’
declined over time.
as socially rather than biologically
conditioned – and conditional –may LOVE À LA
“As time passes, our concept of
love changes and we become more
explain why women tend to believe
love is a necessary prerequisite for
CARTE
pragmatic,” says Ferrer. optimal sexual experience. EROS –Irresistible passion that
Gender-based idiosyncrasies also Sociologist Beth Montemurro, involves great intimacy and a strong
defied cinematic tropes according to who presented her research findings physical attraction, classified as
the study, which showed that more on sex in marriage to the American ‘Eros’ love.
men than women (86 per cent versus Sociological Association, said that STORGE –Amiable love marked
60 per cent of women) accepted women actually felt more inhibited by lasting commitment based on
banquet love, which Ferrer says, and less willing to explore their closeness, friendship, companionship
“undermines the cliché of self-denial sexuality when they didn’t love their and affection, a model common in the
being a feminine characteristic”. sexual partners. north of Europe.
Yet perhaps more congruently “Women said that they connected
BANQUET –Altruistic love, which
with filmic representations, women love with sex and that love actually
implies making sacrifices for the
were more likely to accept pragmatic enhanced the physical experience of
welfare of the other.
love based on rational criteria and sex,” says Montemurro, summarising
friendship-based love than men, findings based on interviews with PRAGMA –Pragmatic love, based
rating ‘pragma’ the second most viable women aged 20 to 68. While more on searching for a partner based on
definition of love. than half the women interviewed rational criteria, along with friendship-
Cultural idiosyncrasy was believed that good sex could occur based love.
evidenced in stark differences between without love, only around one in five
MANIACAL –Obsessive love,
cultures. In Spain, 80 per cent of those believed that love was unnecessary for
characterised by its intensity and
interviewed agreed with the idea of a a sexual relationship.
intimacy, but also by jealousy, lack of
passionate kind of love – a finding that “When women feel love, they may
communication.
would likely reflect attitudes in other feel greater sexual agency because they
not only trust their partners, but they
feel that it is okay to have sex when
love is present,” says Montemurro.
[ IN DEPTH ]
What does it mean to believe

in being loved by a spiritual
entity or higher power, and
can faith really foster a sense
FAITH
of self-worth and belonging?
WORDS: DAVID GODING
TIME
R
eligion’s had a rough
ride in the past few
years, particularly
inheriting derision for
its role in terrorism
as well as sex abuse “We’re just beginning to
scandals, becoming synonymous understand how the brain
with the ‘no’ vote in the same-sex participates in experiences that
marriage debate and featuring in believers interpret as spiritual, divine
high-profile political pantomimes, or transcendent,” says senior author
such as Pauline Hanson’s burqa and neuroradiologist Jeff Anderson.
routine. While recent barbs are “In the last few years, brain imaging
as heterogeneous as the religions technologies have matured in ways
they target – Catholicism is on trial that are letting us approach questions
with Islam – the ironic common that have been around for millennia.”
factor is that faith and spirituality Specifically, the investigators
have come to be associated with of University of Utah’s Religious
suspicion, dividedness, hostility Brain Project, of which Anderson
and persecution. Of course, such a is a director, set out to determine
paradox long preceded Cardinal Pell which brain networks are involved
and Jesus Loves You bumper stickers. in representing spiritual feelings
But the question increasingly asked among devout Mormons, by creating
in contemporary secular Australia an environment that triggered
seems to be, is it worth it? Does participants to “feel the Spirit”. For
religion provide adequate benefits – Mormons, identifying this feeling
personally, socially and culturally – to of peace and closeness with God in
negate its dark side? oneself and others is a key criterion
For instance, those of us for decisions and is considered to
harbouring a belief in ‘something be primary communication with
bigger’ may be better placed to keep the divine.
vicissitudes native to human life and Participants, almost all of whom
personal control and responsibility in reported experiencing the kinds of
perspective. Science has uncovered a feelings typical of an intense worship
direct link between religious practice service, described feelings of peace
and physical and emotional wellbeing, and physical sensations of warmth.
with studies revealing lower rates Moreover, particular thoughts
of suicide and depression among participants were instructed to think
believers. Regularly attending a – such as imagining a saviour or being
religious gathering is also associated with their families eternally – was
with reduced stress and anxiety, visible in changes in the part of the
and an Australian study found that brain associated with reward as well
subscribers to religion appeared as the region involved in valuation,
to incur a lower likelihood or judgment and moral reasoning.
suffering depression.
Recent research has also revealed
neurobiological effects that endear
religion. Religious and spiritual
experiences activate the brain reward
circuits in much the same way as
love, sex, gambling, drugs and music,
according to findings published in
journal Social Neuroscience.

[ IN DEPTH ]
“Religious experience is perhaps the most

influential part of how people make decisions
that affect all of us, for good and for ill,” says
Anderson. Work by others suggests that the
brain responds quite differently to meditative
and contemplative practices characteristic
of some Eastern religions, but so far little is
known about the neuroscience of Western
spiritual practices.
So confident is psychologist Christina
Comely in religion’s power to foster a sense
of belonging and to heal, she uses it alongside
secular talk therapy. “In my practice I use
both cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
and spiritually modified CBT,” says the
Sydney-based practitioner, although it’s
not a condition of therapy. “If the client has
an existing faith, I respect their choice as
to whether they want to use their faith as a
strength, a resource in therapy.”
Social psychologist Dr Brock Bastian, from
Melbourne School of Psychological Sciences
at University of Melbourne, says the shared
reliance on beliefs gives religion and talk
therapies comparable power to improve
or undermine mental wellbeing, citing the
potential impact of faith on unhelpful beliefs
such as ‘I am unlovable’ and ‘I am worthless’,
which commonly present in depression and
other mental health conditions. “People who
follow a religion present suffering and make
it more bearable. And religions reinforce a
number of positive social virtues, such as
humility, forgiveness and gratitude,” says Dr
Bastian. “All these things help towards having
a happy, satisfied or fulfilled life.”
Professor Keith Ward, author of Is Religion
Dangerous?, says that most religious beliefs
are good for self-esteem. “With depression, for
example, a sense of being loved just the way
you are and infinitely valued by God is one of
the many tools that can be used in challenging
unhelpful negative beliefs.”
The couch may be one of few places we can
– or feel we can – wear our faith on our sleeves.
With entire US cities bonding over a single
belief system, Australia’s spiritual landsape
is increasingly fragmented as the cult of
individualism and materialism compete with
traditional institutions. While the proportion
of Australians identifying as Christians fell
from 96 per cent in 1911 to 61 per cent in 2011,
minority religions are buoying participation

Faith time
In Religion for Atheists, philosopher Alain

de Botton suggests that non-believers steal
some of the spiritual traditions of religion in
rates in formal spiritual practice. Yet with order to give life more spiritual meaning. “The
increased choice and personal power possibly challenge facing atheists is how to reverse the
indicating greater liberty, Dr Bastian sees such process of religious colonisation,” he says,
diversification as a double-edged sword. “In “how to separate ideas and rituals from the
Australia’s post-modern sea of different beliefs religious institutions which have laid claim to
and approaches to life, there are at least 17 them but don’t truly own them.
different perspectives around you at any one “Our soul-related needs are ready to be
point in time,” he says. “This creates a lot of freed of the particular tint given to them by
flexibility for people and leaves people open religions.”
and free to engage in life as they wish, but I Dr Bastian says needs for belonging
think some people end up feeling a bit lost.” and connection endure despite age and
But religion is distinct from spiritual intellectual prowess.
practice. One piece of widely cited research “We all have a deep social need to feel
revealed that people practising formal religion connected. If someone is feeling isolated,
experience fewer mental health problems disconnected, or lacking control over their
than those engaging in spiritual practice. lives, they can also be drawn toward religion,”
“The more traditional approach to religion he says.
is not working as well as it used to,” says Dr
Bastian, “and this more exciting, emotional,
spiritualised approach is taking over.”
Dr Bastian says that certain types of
“I FOUND RELIGION
thinkers are more likely to find God than THEN LET IT GO.”
others. “Analytical thinkers are less likely to Kelly, Melbourne
believe in religion,” he says. “In fact, inducing
an analytical mindset in anyone is enough I didn’t grow up in a religious house at all, but
to reduce their momentary endorsement of I’d always think about what it all meant, the
religious belief. People who are less analytical, big questions of life, even as a child. That all
perhaps suffer from a bit of existential anxiety, vanished at uni and when I first moved out of
are uncertain about their identity and more home; gradually this new excitement started to
likely to believe things which don’t stand up to wear off. I was still having a ball with my friends
strong logical reasoning are more inclined to and going out a lot but I started to ask myself
follow religion.” the same old questions – what is life really about
Dr Bastian adds that intellectual and what should I really be doing?
satisfaction often fails to meet emotional and I popped into the (Uniting) church one
spiritual needs and greater scientific capacity Sunday and listened to the sermon and it just
may foster more, not less, uncertainty. sort of clicked. I didn’t see the light or have a big
“Indeed, the need for inner values is more hallelujah moment or anything, it just resonated
pressing in this age of science than ever with me. It made sense and I went away
before,” he says. “Science does a very bad feeling clear in what I wanted. I threw myself
job of engaging with people in an emotional into the church for the next three years, went
way. Religion does that well. I think there is to everything, met some great people, even
a real gap of meaning and purpose in non- volunteered for events when I was needed.
religious society.” My enthusiasm slowed down after that and
Despite formal grounding in Buddhism, I now see that time as a period of discovery.
Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama warns I’m still committed to my faith but more within
against conflating science with answers myself. It’s an important part of who I am.
or certainty. “While I can understand how
science has undermined faith in some aspects
of traditional religion, I see no reason why
advances in science should have the same
effect on the notion of inner or spiritual
values,” he wrote in Beyond Religion: Ethics for
a Whole World.

[ IN DEPTH ]
No place like
HOME What happens when the land you love can’t
love you back? These courageous women fled
homelands ravaged by war and famine to find
freedom in Australia. These are their stories of
hope and settling in.
F
resh from zealous flying of the
famous Southern Cross flag
and welcoming new citizens
to call Australia home in
high-profile Australia Day
ceremonies, it’s easy to assume
“Life is like being
a homogeneous brand of patriotism. But for caged up in a cell in my
many new Australians, pride is overshadowed
by mourning a rejecting motherland or one homeland. Bad things
that simply couldn’t honour their human
right to safety. South Sudan, Afghanistan,
can spring up on you
Iraq, Lebanon, Sudan and Somalia and more any second. In having
recently, Myanmar, are among the more highly
publicised examples of countries people are experienced prison life
forced to flee for their survival. El Salvador,
Eritrea and Vietnam are also among countries
due to political reasons,
abandoned in desperate hope of a better life I bear this heartfelt
– or at least survival. These quotes and images
are from the PhotoVoice project, a photo appreciation of every
book and accompanying exhibition exploring
the perspectives of refugee women who have
breath of fresh air and
settled in Western Australia from Iraq, Iran, the generous necessities
Afghanistan, Syria, Vietnam, South Sudan,
Eritrea, Somalia, Myanmar, Pakistan, Lebanon I can afford here in
and El Salvador. Australia post prison and
refugee camp.”
[ IN DEPTH ]
“In the beginning

the language is
“My little daughter can
a big barrier and play without any fear.”
knowing the places,
where to go, your
directions. Knowing
the law and knowing
“This bird was tangled everything about
in wire and could not fly. the country or
finding your way. THERE TO HERE
My son and I rescued Driving, this [is] all
difficult. And slowly,
Refugee women come from different
backgrounds, with varied experiences and seek
him and enabled it to slowly you start protection in Australia. They face additional
fly again. This is how knowing things from
friends or trying to
risks to their safety during the refugee journey
because of their gender.
I feel about coming you know, settle.” Women shared stories of the dangers
of violence against women during flight,
to Australia from the trauma and loss caused by war and
Sudan. There are many displacement, the challenges of daily survival
and living with insecurity while in a refugee
opportunities for me camp or in temporary asylum.
The impacts of trauma on settling in
and my family to have Australia were described by one woman as
freedom and be happy “trying to swim in the dark”.
and safe. There is a lot of REFUGE OF HOPE AND SAFETY

Women expressed gratitude for the refuge,
help available.” freedom and opportunities offered in Australia
for themselves and their families. They valued
Australia as a safe place, its natural beauty and
being welcomed and accepted. They expressed
the importance of their children’s access to
education in particular and shared stories of
their successes growing up in Australia.

No place like home
“If I go into
somewhere, a party
or wedding and
if I am different,
everyone else look
the same colour,
same skin and I am
the odd one out,
then I feel very
uncomfortable
because I don’t
speak the language
and I look lost. But if
the people there talk
to me, welcome me
as a friend, then I’ll
be ok.”
“I enjoy baking and

cooking traditional food
for my family because
my family like the food I
cook that reminds them
“This is the first photo taken by me about our country.”
when the project started. I used to feel
lonely as I didn’t have anyone here in
Australia. Now that I have my children,
I no longer feel lonely. They fill my
heart with love. When I look at him in
this picture (him jumping up), I think
of birds flying.”
FAMILY MATTERS
Family is fundamental in people’s lives.
“I think it’s Many refugees come from cultures that have
underestimated to an extended model of family. The family
which extent people unit is torn apart as a result of the refugee
might have issues journey. Women also take on the extra role of
before coming supporting other family members to adjust to
here…trauma, a a new life upon resettlement.
personal reflection, Women discussed the importance of family,
in journey I being separated from loved ones and how
realised, actually, it impacted on their wellbeing. They talked
probably, I was about the strength and meaning in their roles
depressed before as carers and the importance of support to
coming here.” help families settle successfully in Australia.

[ IN DEPTH ]
“Our children are like flowers to us.

As we all love flowers, we also love
our children.”
“I think the reason

we come from our
country is that there “My favourite colour is
has always been war
and conflict. But green and I am happy just
when we come here
there is so much
enjoying this fresh air.”
opportunity, a good
life, we appreciate
it more.”
“Tree of life can be

leafless but full moon
spreads light into
darkness of lonely moon.
Full moon is the support
provided to refugees.
Tree represents refugee.
Evening is the depression
and moonlight is the
hope for the bright
future. I am suffering
from bipolar and have
“When she tell my no family in Perth but
mum or my brother
or sister coming to support services have
Australia, she feel
more happy, she feel
made a big difference.
more confident.” They are family to me.”
No place like home
“I love this photo

because I got licence.
I feel confident when I
drive, not like before… I
feel I depend on myself.”
TOWARDS PERSONAL STRENGTH

Refugees should feel safe to practise and
celebrate their culture as well as distinguish
the norms of their new country that best
fit with their lives. Women discussed the
importance and meaning from maintaining
their culture, religious faith and traditions
in Australia. Focusing on the present and
a positive attitude were among personal
resources viewed as important in dealing with
challenges [by respondents to the PhotoVoice
project]. Settlement was seen as a gradual
process. Because refugees lose their social
support structures when forced to leave their
country, support in Australia from services,
local ethnic communities, neighbours and
new friends are vital for helping to make the
process of settlement easier.
PhotoVoice was led by Curtin University

professor Jaya Dantas, Anita Lumbus and
Shelley Gower, funded by Healthway and
conducted in partnership with the Ishar
Multicultural Women’s Health Centre.
“This carriage brings “Hope should be

always there. To go
out old memories of on in your life you
Afghanistan.” are needing the
hope to be there.”
@musemagazineau

[ IN DEPTH ]
LIFE,
interrupted
Hollywood’s interpretation of a mental health
diagnosis describing developmental arrest
and trauma fuel misconceptions that may
make recovery more difficult. While it’s often
maligned as a red flag, borderline personality
disorder (BPD) requires reparative interpersonal
experiences that build trust in the world.
MAHLIE JEWELL, 35
Consumer advocate (mental health,
brain injury, drugs and alcohol), not-for-
profit brand and campaign designer,
SANE Australia Speaker
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline personality
disorder (BPD), complex post-
traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD),
panic disorder, brain injury (acquired
and traumatic)

I
first experienced suicidal partner then returned and found
thoughts when I was seven it stressful because I had changed
years old and began self- returned and we accessed specialised dramatically and my behaviour
harming at age 13. At 16, therapy in Victoria, the only state it and actions were no longer what
I was misdiagnosed with was available. my partner knew. I attempted
bipolar disorder and was When I came back to New South suicide again.
an involuntary inpatient for six Wales I began dialectical behaviour At age 29, I suffered a stroke. I was
months, a stay which resulted in therapy (DBT) with a private specially admitted to the neurology ward where
further trauma. trained psychologist. My partner I spent almost one month before
For two years after I was left again and my self-harm was the being discharged back home with in-
discharged, my drug and alcohol use worst it’s ever been. I attempted house occupational therapy support
became severe and, as a result, I ended suicide four times that year, entered and an outpatient nurse. My partner
up being forcibly detoxed from hard the Psychiatric Emergency Care became my primary carer as I had to
drugs. This led to a spike in mental Centre unit five times and was finally learn to talk, walk and function again.
ill-health, self-harming behaviour and referred to the DBT group outpatient One month later, an MRI revealed
three suicide attempts in one year. program at Prince of Wales. They had three undiagnosed brain injuries.
From age 22 to 26, I received no a six-month waiting list, but I had One frontal lobe fracture (from
treatment whatsoever, by choice. become chronically, acutely suicidal childhood), one dissected artery
I avoided all services before my and so was prioritised. (from head trauma as an adolescent)
relationship broke down and I This program improved and and one black spot on trigeminal
attempted suicide again. This minimised my self-harm and with the nerve (the stroke).
attempt triggered a referral to the support of my private psychiatrist,
Cade Clinic, where I was diagnosed I was slowly learning to control my
with BPD at age 26. My partner behaviours. I was doing well. My

[ IN DEPTH ]
I was unable to work, see my

private trauma psychiatrist, or
participate in the DBT program while
recovering from my stroke. It took
me three months to get back to work
and I developed strong health anxiety,
panic disorder and agoraphobia. I
didn’t go anywhere except work, home
and hospital for six months. I went
to a trauma specialist and we worked
solely on my health anxiety and
agoraphobia using exposure therapy.
Things started to improve.
Eventually, I went back to the
DBT program and Prince of Wales
and continued with therapy. My
relationship ended, I lost my job (lack
of funding) and became homeless,
unable to pay Sydney rent on my own.
I attempted suicide during this time
and self-harmed constantly.
I entered into a previous abusive
relationship and my self-harm
escalated. My psychologist supported
me to leave this relationship a Who is Mahlie?
few months later and I was put in I live with borderline personality
transitional housing. disorder (BPD) and educate others
After two years, I completed the about the intense trauma and distress
DBT program at the Prince of Wales At age 33, I went back to full- many people with BPD experience.
and my self-harming reduced. I time work and six months later I My focus is to help the healthcare
spent nine months in acceptance suffered a second minor stroke from system change so others won’t have to
and commitment therapy, narrative stress-induced high blood pressure. experience the traumatising things I
therapy and inner child therapy. I left my job and focused on my went through.
At age 32, I had a traumatic health, maintaining my sobriety and I’ve worked with not-for-profit
experience and attempted suicide recovery. I adopted a vegan diet and organisations for more than 10 years
once more before I briefly relapsed took a small break from college but in areas including homelessness,
into alcohol and drug abuse. continued on. I was doing well. drug and alcohol abuse, adolescent
Afterward, I made a conscious I moved into permanent disability mental health and domestic violence
decision to live clean, sober and self- housing after four years on the – all of which I have lived with and
harm free. On my birthday I started a priority waiting list. My clinician and experienced. I now provide freelance
new chapter, free from all harm. My I worked on changing the narrative graphic design services through my
meds were adjusted and stabilised to in my mind, rewriting the blueprint own business, Graphics for Good, to
manage the conflicting brain issues. and navigating interpersonal not-for-profit and ethical businesses.
I moved into short-term housing and relationships. We also did some
my mental health stabilised. I started trauma work when needed. I was well How do you describe your diagnosis
working as a mental health advocate enough to handle this without doing and what misconceptions do
and worked part-time in domestic more harm. you target?
violence. I also started studying a I started my own freelance There is nothing wrong with my
bachelor’s degree. business working to bring progressive personality. I have a great personality.
design to the not-for-profit and What is confused and maladaptive is
ethical business world. my ability to regulate my emotions,
I now see my psychologist once a self-soothe and react in ways that
fortnight and I have regular contact are socially acceptable. Trauma
with my GP. I take medication to caused my diagnosis of BPD and the
treat my brain injuries and mental term ‘complex post-traumatic stress
health and am studying and working disorder’ more accurately describes
freelance. I am three years clean, my experience.
sober, and self-harm and suicide I don’t believe that borderline
attempt free. personality disorder can exist

Life, interrupted
How did those in your life respond

to it?
had a violent temper and a short fuse. The process of getting diagnosed
My violence meant that others rarely meant that I had to become more open
challenged my behaviour and there about the situations I had experienced
were no resources in my community in the past, many of which I had never
to address this, so it wasn’t until I was voiced before. My partner learnt
in my mid-20s and moved to different that I had hidden a lot and I think it
surroundings before my behaviour allowed her to have more empathy and
was challenged. At that time, I found it compassion for me. It was never the
concerning I was being challenged for illness itself that caused the issues – it
being myself. was the symptoms, especially the self-
harm and explosive moods.
How was your diagnosis explained I didn’t realise how entrenched the
to you and how did you respond? stigma and disdain for BPD was, even
I received a borderline personality within mental health services. I started
diagnosis nine years ago, at 26 years of to notice the diagnosis excluded me
age. At that time there were no services from many mainstream services and
in New South Wales that dealt with my self-harm and suicidal ideation was
personality disorders so there was no used as an excuse to prevent me from
psycho-education available. accessing services. I also noticed that I
I didn’t reject my diagnosis – it’s was not truly welcome in the consumer
something I agreed with and I actually movement. That was shocking, but
felt relieved. It was helpful to have thankfully that has changed.
a name for the symptoms I was The stigma of BPD is very
experiencing and know that many pervasive. Many people do not even
without a history of trauma. This isn’t people were also living with BPD. reveal their diagnosis because of
everyone’s belief and is sometimes It took me many years to come it. I’ve had personal experiences
a controversial view, but this is my to terms with the idea that my BPD with my diagnosis affecting career
experience and the experience of those was caused by trauma. I was not opportunities and access to services.
I know and speak on behalf of. I find it comfortable accepting that or seeing
frustrating that we don’t talk enough myself as a victim. It did not fit in with What made you seek help – was
about the impact of trauma. how I saw myself, my brain blueprint there an epiphany or turning point?
I also hate that people think we or what I had been told, taught and felt. I knew from a young age that my self-
will hurt other people because we I saw it as weakness and I was not open harming behaviour was problematic.
self-harm or that we are just seeking to weakness at all. The reactions I received from people
attention. People think we shouldn’t I have read most things about BPD told me I needed to be shameful and
be allowed to have contact with other and believe that there are many things protecting of this behaviour.
BPD consumers because we will that need to be challenged about I came to realise that my actions
encourage each other to self-harm, it. I continue to go to conferences were hurting people I loved, but I
which is not the case. But this is and question what is being taught seemed to be unable to stop the hurtful
changing – I just finished working on to clinicians about BPD. I feel there behaviour, even though I wanted to.
a program for Project Air [Strategy] is information that is incorrect and This added to my internalised shame,
to start the first ever peer-led support harmful, simply because we don’t have guilt and self-hatred.
groups for BPD. a lot of BPD advocates. My ideal goal I didn’t truly commit to addressing
is to have consumers in every lecture my behaviour until I had my first
What did you think your symptoms hall with every psychology student and stroke at 29 years old. I nearly died and
were and how did you then work with them to truly create the best that changed everything.
view them? treatment for BPD. I had always believed I would die by
I’ve been mentally unwell my whole suicide. In fact, by the time I had my
life, which was normal where I grew Did the DSM-V diagnostic criteria first stroke, I had attempted suicide 10
up and not something you whined fit with your experience? times. So it was a shock for my life to
about. I started pulling out my hair The only criteria for BPD that I have almost ended beyond my control.
when I was two years old, I had my have never met is having identity I realised then how precious life is and
first suicidal thoughts at seven years disturbance issues. This is very how much time I had wasted. My heart,
of age, and started self-harming at 13. I unusual, as it’s one of the most soul and spirit were exhausted from
common criteria for diagnosis. I’ve living a life of anger, hatred and blame.
always had a strong sense of self and
have a dominant personality.

[ IN DEPTH ]
How was your experience with the mental

healthcare system?
I have been part of the mental healthcare
system for more than 20 years. I’ve spent
hours waiting and being ignored in emergency
departments despite having physical health
issues that needed to be addressed. I have
had wounds that needed stitches become
infected because I was not given the physical
care that hospitals are required to give. I’ve
been called attention-seeking, dramatic and
a narcissist. I’ve been sent home alone even
though I was saying I was actively suicidal. I
was misdiagnosed and put on medication that
caused me harm. And this continued even after
I had made complaints.
What aspect or symptom won’t let you

forget it?
I’m different to almost every other BPD
advocate I have met in that I embrace my
diagnosis and don’t want to push it away. I
am quite proud of my diagnosis and that I Which relationships have helped you most
have come so far and am doing so well despite and what characteristics do you credit?
being labelled with one of the most hopeless, Continuity of care has been key. I’ve been
severe, disabling and undertreated diagnoses in helped by appropriately trained and
the world. experienced clinicians who had appropriate
Instead of forgetting my mental health boundaries, which may be different to
issues, I want to embrace them like a cancer commonly accepted or understood clinician/
survivor might embrace their battle and be client boundaries but that make sense in a BPD
proud of living well WITH it. My mental health environment. Having them understand the
experience reminds me to live life mindfully appropriate way to disengage or transfer care
and be more aware of how I affect the people has been key to avoiding abandonment issues
around me and how I allow them to affect me. being triggered.
There is nothing bad about that. I have strong friendships but the most
important relationship has been with myself.
How does BPD affect your relationships? I have learnt that friends cannot be therapists
My relationship broke down during therapy and to ask them to do that role is dangerous,
because I was changing so much. People selfish and disastrous. I have also learnt to
who experience mental ill-health are either advocate for myself when I can and be proactive
incredibly vulnerable to others with predatory in my recovery by having things such as
behaviour or drawn to those who need to save wellness plans and advanced directives in my
others. It means our relationships can become toolkit for when I am unwell, so that even when
confusing and maladaptive. I feel unable to advocate for myself, my choices
These days I clearly see the signs that are still my own.
someone isn’t good for me, or that we aren’t
good for each other. I also see my own behaviour What has it taught or given you?
and reactions objectively and monitor my We need to talk about the positive aspects of
responses to people carefully and mindfully. having BPD, such as being empathetic and
Part of my recovery was to step away from compassionate people. The deep kindness
people who did not contribute in a positive and care we have for others and the way we
way to my life or had routinely and repeatedly experience emotions and experiences so vividly.
caused pain and suffering. This is common in The reason I do my consumer advocacy is to
recovery patterns for people who experience show people that we are smart, kind, resilient,
addiction of any kind. empathetic, loving and passionate people who
are struggling with trauma. Many of us also have For more information
on borderline
cognitive challenges and our brains have been personality disorder
altered by our experiences. visit sane.org/bpd

Life, interrupted
DAY IN THE LIFE…

I don’t have a standard or typical day. I hate routine, I hate structure and normality. I live
my life to fit the way of being that makes me happiest, strongest and most successful.
I
wake up around 10.30am and cuddle my dog, Skylar, while I
do stretches for 10 minutes to loosen up my hips, which were
fractured when I was younger. I take my morning meds and take
Skylar outside and we say hello to the native birds that live in our
trees and get some sun. I am always grateful to have woken up in Afterward I do some work, making lists of current graphic work
a safe place with my best friend (Skylar) and to be able to walk out projects and the tasks each one needs to have done. It gets to 5pm
to the garden without help. This hasn’t always been possible and it’s and I get dressed again, feed Skylar and catch the ferry to the quay,
important for me to be thankful for that. walking to the Art Gallery of NSW, where I met a friend and listened
I check my email briefly while drinking peppermint tea to settle to the participants of an arts disability program who are incredibly
my stomach from the nauseous feelings my morning meds give inspiring. Both of us are vegan and in recovery, living a straightedge
me and see if there is anything urgent I need to respond to for lifestyle, so we left before the wine and cheese were opened and
work, which might be a client response or a request to do some headed to the park across the road to eat vegan muffins before we
consumer advocacy. decide to walk to the quay, catching up on life as we walk and ride a
Today I had a morning tea at the NSW Mental Health ferry home. We part ways when I get off at the stop before her and I
Commission for an art exhibition I was in. The commissioner is new walk home.
and I had a good connection with the previous one, so it’s important Skylar runs in the garden for a few minutes, we cuddle and scratch
for me to be there. The commission has also just supported me to go and I have dinner, of which she eats half, and I start working. I respond
to the Arts and Health Conference this year and give them feedback to more emails, write a draft speech I’m doing next month at an event,
on the event. work on the amendments to the resource I’ve gotten during the day,
I called my friend on the drive to the commission just to check in design a flyer and respond to a few requests for mental health surveys
with her. This connection with my friends, who are my chosen family, and consultations that have come through from SANE Australia, the
is important for maintaining healthy relationships and keeping me BPD Foundation or Being NSW. I’m also listening to the new Lana
supported and supporting others, and it’s something that I still have Del Rey album and talking to my friends in a few different group
to do consciously but is becoming more automatic. chats. I often send them screen grabs of what I’m working on and get
The commission’s office is located at an old psychiatric hospital their feedback. This is an important part of my work/life balance that
and I have a dark feeling at this place. keeps me well and able to function. Working as a freelancer I often
At the previous commissioner’s request, I am one of their am isolated and work in a silo. I have a Skype session at 10pm with
representatives and often called on to contribute to certain things. a client in the United States to discuss her book that I’m formatting
It’s always great to share my thoughts on how the commission is and, before I know it, it’s midnight and my alarm is going off, telling
affecting the lives of consumers. I spoke to the commissioner and her me to take my night meds.
communications officer, who I’ve known well for a while, and posed The only part of my day that is strictly routine-driven is my
for a photo. nightly meds. The meds I take (that serve as a dual treatment for my
A few people introduced themselves to me; they know who I neurology and psychiatry) are dangerous and can easily cause fatal
am but I didn’t recognise them. It always makes me anxious when overdose. I have my meds pre-packed and colour coded. I do this
this happens. I’m fighting against brain injury that has damaged my practice incredibly mindfully. I mark the date, time, and colour of the
short-term memory as well as the anxiety and adrenaline of being a section on a chart that lives on my fridge when I take my meds.
presenter. If I can’t recall who the person is after a few minutes, I tell Around 2am my meds kick in and I start to feel sleepy. They also
them I struggle with memory due to brain injury and let them know give me terrible dry mouth, so I have a cup of ice cubes I periodically
that it’s not personal. suck on. I finish up my work, send the last of my emails for the day
The event ended quickly, so it was time to do life stuff. I registered that will greet the rest of the world shortly as they wake up and shut
my car, swung by my PO box and grabbed lunch on my way home. down my design programs.
I changed into comfortable clothes, put on a load of washing and I have a terrible habit of watching TV to wind down before sleep
did dishes. I answer email, check social media and then pack Skylar and my therapist hates it. I avoid the news at all costs as I think it has
into the car and go to the park. This time with her is essential to a detrimental effect on my mental health and often makes me feel
my wellbeing. There were times when getting her outside onto the hopeless and ineffective. I will watch something interesting but not
street, let alone to an off-leash dog park, was impossible because super engaging like a game show (I love learning new information) or
of my mental health. I spent days not leaving my bed let alone my re-watch some of my favourite comedies and am normally asleep by
house. I lay in bed struggling to fight against my suicidal thoughts 3 or 4am (on a good night). I get about seven hours of sleep and then
and desperately tried to starve my need to self-harm. Skylar saved the next day begins.
my life and I never forget that. Having to be responsible for her
pulled me out of many dark places and although she failed her
therapy dog exam, she’s a therapy animal to me.

[ IN DEPTH ]
CARE FACTOR
Most adult children will face a transition from child to parent,
but for medical doctor Helena Popovic, the shock discovery
of her father’s dementia cast her suddenly into a caring role,
demanding a blend of tough love, patience and compassion.
She shares the sadness and joy of their journey.
INTERVIEW: REBECCA LONG
What is your earliest memory of

your father?
We came to Australia from the former
Yugoslavia when I was four years old and I have
no memories of anything in Serbia. My first
really powerful memory of my father is of being
at the beach in Sydney – I have a vivid picture of
the shimmering water and Dad and I splashing
around while Mum lay on the sand. Always
seeking adventure, we scrambled onto a high
rock and were looking out at the ocean when
a huge wave suddenly knocked us both off our
feet. We fell backwards against the hard, shell-
coated rock. When the wave subsided and we
stood up, Dad’s back was completely lacerated
by the shells. The only part of me that had been As a young man he was also into gymnastics
scratched was my arm because he had grabbed and diving from the high board, so I saw him
me and held me on his chest so I would fall on as very physically capable, strong, athletic.
him. I remember my mother jumping up and He’s always been a very positive, encouraging
down telling him how irresponsible he was. person who used to say, “If you believe it, you
can achieve it.” The biggest tragedy is that his
How did you imagine your father, as positivity is gone...he no longer believes that
a person? much is possible.
As a child I thought he knew everything – he
was smart and if anyone was going to help with How did you discover your father’s
homework, it was Dad. He was an electrical condition and what was that like?
engineer. He was intelligent and still is. When I was living in Brisbane when Mum was
a person with suspected dementia is tested diagnosed with lung cancer, so I moved back
with a mini mental state exam (MMSE), they’re to Sydney to support her. I’m an only child, so
asked, “What day of the week is it?” “Where there was no other family to help. It was then
do you live?” And so on. Twelve years into his that I serendipitously discovered that Dad had Dr Helena Popovic
diagnosis, he didn’t know any of the answers; dementia. Mum always covered up for Dad and is a medical doctor,
conference speaker and
however, he was clever enough to respond brushed off his memory lapses as old age. It was author of the best-selling
appropriately nonetheless. When asked, only when I came across his medications and book, In Search of My
“Where do you live?’ he replied, “A beautiful matched them with his symptoms that I pieced Father – Dementia is no
match for a daughter’s
place.” “What day is it?” was met with “A good together that he had Alzheimer’s disease. I didn’t determination. Available
day because I’m with my daughter.” want to believe it could have happened to him. at drhelenapopovic.com

What have you learned about your
father or your relationship through When have you had to exact
this process? having a child.” I don’t have children, so tough love and when have you had
His illness has actually strengthened having someone dependent on me for to relent?
our bond, whether he recognises it their survival was totally new to me. I Dad didn’t enjoy the gym and while
or not. We were best mates up until now see myself as having the parental exercise is crucial, his reluctance to
I finished university. Then I began role, very much so. go meant I had to find other ways
travelling and spent a year each in of keeping him active. I want what’s
Japan, New Zealand and Germany. Have there been humorous best for him but not at the expense
Little did I know how much this had moments in that role reversal? of his enjoyment of life. I want him
hurt him. He hadn’t expressed his I’ve been to Alzheimer’s support groups to maintain as much independence
emotions at the time and it was only and everyone has the same complaint as possible without risking his safety.
after Mum died that he bitterly told me, about hearing aids: their parent won’t I’m a bit concerned when he wants to
“I know you’ll never stay and look after accept it. I think for Dad it was vanity carry the shopping bags into the house
me – you’re always travelling around or maybe he associated hearing aids because I want him to be able to hold
the world without any consideration with getting old and didn’t want a bar on to the rails, but saying “no, don’t
for how it impacted your mother of them. However, research has shown carry the bags” robs him of his sense of
and me.” I was shocked to hear that that any sensory loss – especially a purpose and ability to contribute to our
my peripatetic lifestyle had been a decline in hearing – is associated with joint life. So I allow him to help while
disappointment to him. He was equally worsening dementia. So I felt I had to do keeping a close eye on him.
shocked that I stopped travelling to something. First I found an audiologist
take care of him. He now sees me as a who did home visits. Then after Despite your medical expertise, was
source of safety and security. confirming that Dad needed hearing there any aspect of dementia that
aids in both ears, I asked the audiologist surprised you?
Have you ever feared him to make me a fake pair so that I could One of the biggest challenges and
forgetting you, or forgetting your show Dad I wore them too – to imply it surprises was his lack of desire to do
shared memories? was common and perfectly normal. It anything. I’d forgotten that apathy
I don’t think he’s ever going to forget was a case of ‘How am I going to coax was a symptom of the disease. Lack of
me. Occasionally he might see a photo Dad into doing something he doesn’t motivation sets in as people lose their
and not be sure if it’s me or Mum, but want to do?’ For the first few months I confidence. I was astonished that a man
face to face he’s never in any doubt...I was walking around deaf because I had who had been so physically competent
don’t want to predict what might plugs in my ears, but he now wears them didn’t want to go to the gym or the pool;
happen...it’s just too devastating to without complaint. he didn’t want to do anything. The
contemplate...you don’t want to think hardest thing is constantly finding ways
what the next stage might be, you What conflicts do you face, to motivate him to engage with life. It
just desperately hope they won’t get reconciling what’s best for him with takes a lot of emotional energy.
worse...I do everything I can to keep his happiness?
him socially, physically and mentally Dad is eligible for home care support How have you engineered your
stimulated in order to stave off two days a week, so on Thursday and life to accommodate the constant,
disease progression. Friday a bus comes to collect him at unpredictable changes?
8am and brings him home at 2pm. At first I had no idea how I’d ever be able
What was it like to realise you were Every Thursday morning it’s like getting to leave him for a night or maintain a
no longer the child and were now your child to attend their first day of fulfilling career while simultaneously
responsible for both of you? school. But it’s the first day of school providing optimal care for him. Life is
I didn’t consciously think about it – I every week because he can’t remember turned completely upside down. For
tend to just get on with things. It took that he’s been the previous week and me it was like suddenly having a young
me a year to grieve for my mother that he enjoys it. Some mornings I have child and figuring things out as I went
because I was too busy putting things to get on the bus with him and as he’s along. I’ve moved for Dad twice and now
in place and setting up a routine for getting his seat belt on, I stealthily slip we’re living on the Gold Coast. A big
Dad. I didn’t have time to feel or think away. It can be very exhausting and part of my work was travelling overseas
or analyse what anything meant. I was a massive relief when the bus drives for conferences, and it all had to stop.
making sure he stayed engaged with off. Part of me feels chuffed that I’ve But I still needed to work outside
life, joining us up to the local gym, managed to achieve something that’s the home. So I sat down and asked,
taking him to the opera, art galleries, good for him but another part of me is ‘What are his needs?’ He needs safety
botanical gardens.... Much later I found desperately sad that I can pull the wool and stability while at the same time
myself saying to friends, “I guess it’s like over his eyes. I’m sad that I’m capable of maintaining a degree of independence
tricking an intelligent man who would and a sense of meaning, purpose and
never have been tricked in the past.
Winning is bittersweet.

[ IN DEPTH ]
contribution. How could I make that

happen? What do I have to put in
place for him to be as independent as
possible? One strategy was to label
every door, cupboard and drawer in the
house: knives, forks, spoons, coffee cups,
Dad’s bedroom, Helena’s bedroom,
shirts, trousers, undies, etc, etc. This
enables him to get dressed without
assistance. Then I had to ask, ‘How can
I engineer my work to fit around caring
for him?’ The answer was doing locum
medical work, which means I can plan
ahead and work out which days I need I slept in and he got in the car and
other people to come and care for him. drove himself to church. It wasn’t
I also speak at conferences on stress long before I received the inevitable
management, boosting your brain and call from the police. Dad had caused a such as “You don’t love me.” Had I not
preventing dementia, and I create a three-car collision by driving through known his story, I would have wondered
care roster every month. And when I’m a stop sign. Thankfully no one was where this was coming from. He often
at home with him I write my books. hurt. The other cars sustained minimal behaves like a boy trying to win his
In a lot of ways he’s guided my career damage but Dad’s car was written off. mother’s approval. When I put him on
because I’ve adapted to fit in with him. I responded by saying, “I’m sorry, we the aged care bus he sometimes says,
I’ve learnt that commitment creates can’t afford a new car.” Every morning “You just want to get rid of me,” and I
capacity. If I’m invited to speak at a he would wake up thinking someone think, ‘Oh no, you’re confusing me with
conference and it’s something I really had stolen his car, but he soon forgot your mother.’ His past colours the way
want to do, I commit before I even know he ever had a car, so the situation he relates to me.
how I’ll make it happen. Commiting resolved itself. It’s a big issue for a lot
ensures I’ll find the resources to make of carers, because having a driver’s In being mindful to avoid triggering
it work. When you set your mind to licence is a symbol of independence him, you must be conscious of not
something, you’ll make it happen. We and taking that away often has negative showing anger or frustration? What
tend to underestimate our resilience, psychological repercussions. do you do with such emotions when
but when you have no choice but to they surface in the context of your
cope, you cope. My social life went to Have any buried relational issues relationship?
zero for a long time because I’m so surfaced and does dementia make I have learnt the technique of just
tired by the time I’ve looked after Dad; things seem more or less important feeling my feelings, which means simply
the last thing I want to do is go out to resolve? sitting with my emotions. I occupy Dad
socially. It’s also harder to find care in Dad had an older brother and when with a jigsaw puzzle, close my door, sit
the evenings and on weekends, but I can they were both very young, his parents in my room and just feel the frustration.
always see a 9pm movie because he likes divorced and his father wanted both Often it’s a mixture of anger and
to be in bed by eight. kids, so he took them away and hid them sadness. Sometimes I end up bawling
with their grandmother in Bulgaria. my eyes out...it feels like an internal
How has your father responded to Dad’s mother then sent an uncle to find shower...and then it passes. I know I’m
his diminished independence and the kids and he managed to bring my not able to change the situation, so I
how have you managed it? father back to her. The oldest son was just close my eyes and ask, ‘Where am
Several years ago, it was clear that it left with his father because that was the I feeling this emotion in my body?’
was no longer safe for him to drive. law at the time. When my father was Usually anger is like a tonne of bricks
However, he didn’t realise it and there returned to his mother, she said, “You on my chest. I breathe through it, a
was no way he was going to allow his brought back the wrong one, I wanted bit like meditation, and focus on the
driver’s licence to be revoked – and the other son.” His whole life he has emotion itself...allowing myself to feel
I didn’t want to put him through the felt that his mother never loved him. it without trying to fix anything. The
humiliation of taking the test and His father took the other son to South process enables me to reach a place of
failing. I kept saying, “I want to drive, America, so Dad never saw his father or acceptance so that I can move on.
I want to drive”, playing the spoilt brother until he was about 50, after we
brat who always wanted to drive. had emigrated to Australia and he made How has your medical
On Sunday mornings I drove him to the decision to fly to Bolivia to meet training helped?
church and said I had errands nearby, them. He now sometimes transfers Being a doctor has been invaluable.
so it was a waste to take two cars. I characteristics of his mother onto me, I’ve always been interested in the brain
knew this would work because he’s and I knew there were a lot of lifestyle
environmentally conscious. One day factors that could reduce the risk of

Care factor
dementia. So I developed a plan of skills. It’s about recognising that these

action to slow the progression of his things are all really important – and to
disease. I wasn’t going to give up on What has been your experience with make our health a priority throughout
Dad just because there wasn’t a pill carers and entrusting a ‘stranger’ our lives, not just when we get sick.
that could cure him. Lifestyle is more with the welfare of someone dear We’re living back to front: we’re trying
powerful than medicine. to you? to fit healthy choices around a busy
The first thing I did was to make sure Wonderful! When we moved to the schedule. Why not fit a busy schedule
he stayed socially stimulated. Many Gold Coast I went to findacarer.com.au, around healthy choices?
migrants lose their second language which is a bit like a dating service for
and revert to their mother tongue. So I people wanting to give and receive care. How has your experience changed or
made sure Dad had plenty of English- I typed up a profile of Dad and then affirmed your perspective on life?
speaking visitors. I also wanted people sought out people I thought sounded My experience has affirmed my
to draw out his stories so he wouldn’t suitable. I then interviewed 22 carers. perspective on life. I’ve always tried to
forget his own history. The second thing Or rather, he interviewed them all – work with life, not against life. I can’t
was keeping him mentally stimulated much to his pleasure. He didn’t know change the past. My power lies in the
with jigsaws, darts, sudoku, crafts, they were professional care-givers. I present – in what I do with what I’m
music and word find. Third was keeping told him they were our new neighbours facing. Pain and sadness go hand in
him physically active. I always parked – all 22 of them – and one by one they hand with being human. It’s our most
a few blocks away from our destination had come to meet him. He loved all the challenging times that stretch us and
so we’d have to walk. I always do attention and it enabled me to observe force us to ask the questions that lead to
several laps of every supermarket aisle who related to him most easily. a more meaningful life. My mantra with
pretending to look for a specific item. Dad is: ‘What’s really important here?’
Also important was enabling him to Have you realised any shortcomings
contribute to society, so we took on in provisions for dementia sufferers What is the image of your father you
volunteering with Meals on Wheels. I or aged care generally? now hold?
was the driver and he was the runner. At As a culture, I think we often talk I still think of him as a man with a
home, I continue to ask him to help me ourselves into being less capable great sense of humour, charm and
hang out the washing or accompany me than we really are, particularly as we playfulness. He’s still a really good, kind,
to the post office. It has to be phrased age. Mental and physical decline are generous soul, even though he’s no
as a favour or he won’t want to do it. It not inevitable. We need to be more longer capable of looking after himself.
was a process of discovery over time, proactive about staying physically, I think I’m lucky that his fundamental
learning what motivates him. Carers mentally and socially stimulated. From personality hasn’t changed much. I try
also have to say, “Can I borrow your dad my observations, people who work in not to compare how he is now with how
to help me please?” Otherwise he’ll just aged care have great respect for what he once was because I’d get really sad
say, “No, I want to stay home with my an older person has to offer. I am very for him. He’d hate to see himself as he
daughter.” Sometimes he even asks me, grateful for how wonderfully people is now, not able to do things that once
“How are you going to cope when I’m treat Dad. We need to be just as kind came so easily to him. He doesn’t know
gone?” That always makes me smile. and encouraging with ourselves. he has dementia.
In terms of resources, navigating
What has this experience taught you the website myagedcare.gov.au is What, from this experience,
about yourself and/or people ? very complicated. I suggest finding a continues to make you smile?
I’ve learned that I can’t do it on my good GP to help you get an aged care Dad has become very fond of an
own and I’ve learned to ask for help. asssessment to get the ball rolling. 80-year-old widow. He positively lights
As a result, I’ve had enormous support up when he sees her and she brings out
from neighbours, friends, my partner Is there anything we, as individuals the consumate gentleman in him. He
and professional carers. I’ve found and as a society, can do to is absolutely charming with her – he
that people don’t always offer to help prevent dementia? opens the car door, takes her hand and
because they don’t know what I need There are many many things we can do loves to compliment her. They listen
or they don’t want to imply that I’m to reduce our risk of getting dementia. to classical music together and often
not coping. My advice to carers is to let Getting a regular good night’s sleep is spontaneously start dancing around
people know what you need. People critical for keeping our brain healthy the loungeroom. Seeing him so happy
want to help and they’re relieved when – as is not smoking, not drinking to and able to make a positive difference
you tell them how. excess, avoiding soft drinks, reducing to this delightful woman makes me
sugar and effectively managing stress. indescribably happy. And when he
Three things that each halve our walks past the mirror and thinks no
risk of dementia are 30 minutes of one is around, he’ll say to himself,
exercise a day, cultivating meaningful “Who’d have thought at my age, I’ve
relationships and continuing to still got it!”
challenge ourselves by learning new

[ BEING WITH ]
THE OVER-PRAISED
KIDS EPIDEMIC
Is the quest to instil healthy self-esteem in children breeding a
generation of narcissists?
E
ncouraging kids
and displaying
unconditional love are
parenting 101 – but
there is such a thing
as too much praise.
The type of ‘positive parenting’ that
encourages praise for effort despite
results may meet a fine line between
healthy self-esteem and narcissism
or instilling an unhealthy sense of
specialness and entitlement.
But while the law of moderation in
all things may seem to offset the risk
of both underdeveloped and inflated
opinion of one’s importance and/or
power, it’s not so simple. Aside from
inevitable character differences that
make the type of parenting that is
optimal for one child less than ideal for
another, the type of praise and when
and how it’s administered can have
different effects on children. Co-author Eddie Brummelman
An 18-month study exploring the from the University of Amsterdam said
origins of narcissism revealed that that parents with the best of intentions High self-esteem is imagining
children whose parents ‘overvalued’ may inadvertently overvalue their oneself as as good as – not superior to –
them at the start of the study logged children in a bid to cultivate healthy others. In the study, it was indicated by
higher narcissism scores in follow-up self-esteem. agreement with statements such as ‘I
testing. Hallmarks of over-valuation, The study of 565 children aged am happy with myself as a person’ or ‘I
which was measured using a scale seven to 11 and their parents in the like the kind of person I am’.
asking parents to rate agreement Netherlands also measured children’s “People with high self-esteem
with certain sentiments, were beliefs self-esteem using a similar scale think they’re as good as others,
including ‘you are more special than for children and parents gauging whereas narcissists think they’re
other children’ and ‘you deserve agreement with indicators of parental better than others,” says Bushman.
something extra in life’. warmth, such as ‘I let my child know Conversely, children ranking high
“Children believe it when their I love him or her’ and ‘My father in narcissism don’t necessarily have
parents tell them that they are more or mother lets me know he or she high self-esteem.
special than others. That may not be loves me’. A major determining factor
good for them or for society,” says The study undermined the common informing self-esteem rather than
study co-author Brad Bushman, assumption that narcissism is simply narcissism may be ensuring adequate
a professor of communication over-developed self-esteem by displays of parental warmth, which was
and psychology at The Ohio showing a clear distinction between found to correlate with higher self-
State University. the underlying factors of behaviour esteem but not with higher narcissism.
indicating solid self-worth and “Over-valuation predicted
excessive self-importance. narcissism, not self-esteem, whereas

The narcissism commonly used Developmental Psychology found that
to describe a sense of entitlement narcissistic teens were more likely
to rewards without hard work and to direct aggression towards their
egocentrism – think ‘Gen Y expect parents than non-narcissistic peers.
to climb the ladder without driving “In some cases we can observe that
a beat-up Datsun’ or ‘He makes it element of narcissism: it concerns
all about him’ – is distinct from the adolescents who feel that they should
pathological narcissism described have everything that they want, right
by diagnostic classifications such here and now. They don’t take no
as narcissistic personality disorder for an answer. When their parents
(NPD), which is thought to indicate try to establish limits, the children
entrenched patterns resulting react aggressively,” says researcher
from a failure to progress through Esther Calvete.
normal developmental stages in Similarly to the study of children,
infancy and early years. Pathological lack of affectionate and positive
narcissism commonly described by communication between parents and
psychodynamic theory is thought their children, insufficient quality
to result in grandiosity and lack of time together and overly permissive
empathy by personalities whose overt parenting styles with ambiguous limits
self-aggrandisement and ambition were associated with higher levels
masks a fragile and underdeveloped of narcissism. Emotional distance
self. Hallmarks including showering between parents and teens in the
those seen as sources of ‘narcissistic first year of the study was linked to
supply’ (especially praise and collusion greater narcissism and aggression
with inflated ideas of self ) and towards parents.
devaluation and discarding of those no “If the parents do not raise their
longer considered useful. children with a sense of responsibility
Bushman, who has three children, and respect, it is easy for the children
has changed his own parenting style to develop problems of aggressive
based on his findings. behaviour, reiterating the complex
“When I first started doing this factors influencing personality,
research in the 1990s, I used to think including temperament,” says Calvete.
my children should be treated like they It may be that adolescents who
were extra special. I’m careful not to do display narcissism and aggression tend
that now,” he says. to be more sensitive to frustration
warmth predicted self-esteem, not “It is important to express warmth and rejection and that sensing either
narcissism,” says Bushman. to your children because that may provokes hostility.
A previous study by Brummelman promote self-esteem, but over-valuing The study cites an email sent by a
and Bushman demonstrated how them may promote higher narcissism.” mother to Bushman. “Our son sees
unrealistic beliefs among over- Brummelman says important himself as above everything. The other
valuing parents could be, discovering takeaways for parents include the night I told him that he should stop
that when presented with a list of value of learning to and expressing looking at himself in the mirror, that
information and stories they expected affection and appreciation toward he looked good. And he hit the roof.
their children to know, over-valuing children without saying or implying His father later told him that he had no
parents agreed with both real and that they are superior to others or right to talk to me in that manner. But
fictitious information (say, Neil entitled to privileges. my son has become more and more
Armstrong versus a non-existent story verbally aggressive, and the situation
such as ‘The Tale of Benson Bunny’). TRAIT OR PHASE? has deteriorated into violence. He
But parental over-valuation is Distinguishing between self-esteem hit my husband, who is recovering
not the only cause of narcissism and entitlement can be tricky, but from bruised ribs and a broken jaw.
in children. Like other personality some signs of narcissism may escalate The problem is that he continues to
traits, it is likely informed by in adolescence, leaving no question. think that he is right. According to
genetic, temperamental and Aggression towards parents is one him, it’s he who feels threatened,” the
environmental factors. such sign identified in a Spanish mother explained.
“Some children may be more likely study tracking 591 adolescents. According to Calvete, aggressiveness
than others to become narcissistic The three-year study published in between the critical ages of 13 and
when their parents over-value them,” 15 – in girls as well as boys – requires
says Bushman. intervention to foster “education in
respect and tolerance of frustration”.

[ BEING WITH ]
SAME, SAME
BUT DIFFERENT
Having realised the prejudice of laws designed for heterosexual couples and
prevented from seeing the son bearing her DNA, tattoo artist Alice Fogarty is
happily partnered with Carly Naughton, who gave up her role as a foster care
placement coordinator to look after the couple’s mixed-race son. They explain
how having to fight for validation of love makes it that much stronger.
Alee Fogarty
Self-employed Tattoo Artist
C
arly and I met on Facebook. She’d
been trying to message me and get
my attention for a year and I didn’t
notice because I don’t read my messages.
When we met in person, I was sure I’d met her before, because she
looked so familiar. Then I realised she was the model for a poster I sure we were communicating our feelings. Our three-year-old
had hanging next to my tattoo bay at work. son, Oakland, was conceived through a sperm donor. Australians
When I met Carly five years ago, I was going through a difficult have the ability to tick the ‘no’ box when opting whether or not
time. I recently had my first son stripped away from me. My to provide their sperm to lesbian couples, so we decided on an
ex-partner had kidnapped my one-year-old son and disappeared American donor. The sperm bank provided documentation that
overseas. I didn’t give birth to my first son, and even though I had a lot of information about the donor, including a photo, the
was there every step of the way from the medical history, education history. They
pregnancy to cutting the umbilical chord to basically took a textbook-perfect sperm from
after he turned one, it took two years of court Oakland is three the donor and a textbook-perfect egg from
battles to be legally recognised as a parent in years old now, and Carly and matched them up. It gave us the
Australia, because we weren’t blood relatives
and my ex-partner didn’t write my name on
I feel that same- best possible chance of having a genetically
healthy baby.
the birth certificate. In court I kept being sex parenting is a When you’re the non-biological parent,
asked, “What makes you a parent?” I would different journey you can feel like you aren’t acknowledged by
say the love for my child. My case kept getting
adjourned in court. I finally won the court case
from heterosexual the doctor. Most doctors and nurses assume
you are a friend who has come along to the
in Australia; now the next stage is to try and parenting. appointment for support. At the scans, staff
retrieve my son from America. That’s going would say things like, “I wonder who it’s going
to be another uphill battle as my ex-partner to look like,” and I’d always say, “Not me.”
lives in Utah and Utah is not a gay-friendly state. Carly has been by You aren’t as involved until the baby is born. I was there to cut the
my side and helped me fight for my son. Through this experience umbilical chord. A lot of women struggle if they aren’t the one
we became a lot closer and that’s when I knew I loved her. She carrying the baby. I used to think what if the baby comes out and
understood the legal side and she took over the paperwork for my the love I feel is never as strong as the love you feel? But I know the
case. I couldn’t have gotten this far without her. love I have for Oakland is 100 per cent.
Early on in our relationship, Carly wanted a child and we agreed Oakland is a mixed-race child, so when we are eating at cafes as
we would do IVF. I’ve never been maternal in the sense I wanted a family, strangers will often approach us and ask whose baby it is.
to carry or give birth to a child. I’ve always played more of the dad When we say it’s ours, they want to know who gave birth and then
role. It hasn’t been an easy road as, sadly, Carly has experienced they debate with us that it isn’t our baby, it is Carly’s baby. I find it
miscarriages, but we have always stuck by each other and made bizarre, because if there is a family at the table next to us with a
mother and a stepfather, no one will walk up to the stepfather and
argue that the child isn’t theirs. If Carly is by herself, she gets asked,
“What nationality is your husband?” There’s also support for us too.
We’ve been approached in the supermarket and strangers will say,
“We love what you girls are doing.”

Oakland is three years old now, and I feel that same-sex parenting really quickly, so when he yells “Mumma”, I know he wants me. He’ll
is a different journey from heterosexual parenting. We’re more socially usually yell out “Mummy” when he wants something from Carly, like
aware of people’s acceptance levels when we go to a playgroup with his nappy changed.
him. There’s this in-built fear: ‘Am I okay to be here with my child?’ We I worry that he’s a little on the sensitive side; I think he needs to
are open with Oakland and as he grows older we will arm him with get a little tougher. It’s always in the back of my mind. I want him to
knowledge of who his father is and how he was conceived to help him be able to be proud and stick up for himself as he grows older.
defend himself against any bullying that may occur. We don’t specifically buy gay books for Oakland. A lot of the
In terms of parenting style, Carly and I are really different. Carly books we have for him have a mum and a dad – we don’t want
is a 24/7 stay-at-home mum and I am a working mum. I’m the fun to hide information from him. Arming him with knowledge that’s
mum; I don’t change his nappies or feed him. I’m the parent who appropriate is our rule. He’s a very active child and he’s involved in
wakes him up to play with him and gives in, allowing him to eat child activities and classes most of the week. Carly will always send
sugar when he wants it. Oakland’s super intelligent for his age. I’ve me photo and video updates throughout the day when I’m working
taught him that I’m Mumma and Carly is Mummy. He picked it up to ensure I’m not missing out.
Carly Naughton
Foster Care Placement Coordinator-turned-Full-time Mum
A
lee and I have been together five
years. She tattooed a friend of mine,
who asked me to check out her work Alee and I are polar opposites, but that’s what makes our
on Facebook because she was talented. relationship so interesting. We also have very different parenting
I became interested in her and tried for a long time to get her styles. Alee’s a lot more relaxed than I am – she thinks it’s ok for
attention. I was able to get her attention eventually and that’s when Oakland to eat chocolate mousse for breakfast. I’m always worrying
we met in person. We fell in love pretty quickly and we’ve been about the worst-case scenario and trying to ensure he won’t be in
inseparable ever since. any danger. Alee’s never been as maternal as I have.
I always knew I had fertility shortcoming, I went from full-time employed to full-time
but a couple of months into our relationship I mum. When I first had Oakland it was difficult;
took an AMH [anti-mullerian hormone] test I went from full- Alee was at work and I was trying to deal with
and was told by my doctor that I wouldn’t be time employed to being a mum on top of everything else. At
able to conceive anymore. It was then that full-time mum. playgroup, I was always the only gay parent.
I told Alee I wanted to try and have a baby When you have a child, people want to know
and start the IVF process. She wanted to do it When I first had about your relationship and then you have to
too. During this process, we lost the first baby. Oakland it was go into personal details straight away. It’s not a
Alee always stuck by me. She was there for me difficult, Alee was nice feeling having to justify how you are going
through daily needles. I was so sick, she would to approach telling your child where they’ve
drive me to appointments and stay by my side. at work and I was come from. If I wasn’t in a relationship and I
It was an emotional time. Generally speaking, I trying to deal with accidently fell pregnant as a single woman,
think females are more emotional than males, being a mum on top I wouldn’t have to justify how I’m going to
so from an emotional sense, I felt we had a explain to my child how they came about.
very strong relationship. of everything else. There are also positive interactions. The
Having Oakland strengthened our other day a child came up to him and said,
relationship. The process we had to go “You have two mums. I have two mums too.”
through to get him was difficult. Alee said, “It’s ok that we go Alee and I share the same values as parents – we want Oakland
through these things because it makes us better parents, we know to be a kind person and an accepting person. He’s actively involved
what it means and how hard it is to have a child”. in a lot of social activities with other children.
When I was pregnant with Oakland and we would attend scans, I’m hoping now that same sex marriage is legal, by the time he
staff would often come in and ask if Alee was my sister. We would gets to school, more parents are aware of different families and
always make a point to correct them and let them know she was a will educate their children to be more accepting. We talk in an
parent. We wouldn’t let it slide. age-appropriate way. We will explain IVF to him in time. We know
Now that he is older, people assume Alee and I are foster he has other siblings, so hopefully one day he will be able to meet
parents or that Oakland is an adopted baby. No one ever assumes them as well.
he is my biological son. Sometimes it can be hurtful. People say In terms of his toys, he has dolls and fairy wands, he also has
things like, “How can two women teach him to be a man?” trucks and dinosaurs. We don’t push him either way. He knows
where his toy room is and we allow him to play with whatever he
feels like. That’s our parenting style.

[ BEING WITH ]
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL
THE RECIPE FOR

TRUE INTIMACY
Contrary to common belief, true intimacy can withstand

and even benefit from physical distance. Yet the
emotional proximity required to develop and maintain
true intimacy make it a challenge for many couples.
WORDS: JULIE HART, RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST

“Intimacy means that we’re safe enough
to reveal the truth about ourselves in all
the creative chaos. If a space is created in
O
which two people are totally free to reveal
ften imagined as their walls, then those walls, in time, will
synonymous with
physical proximity
come down.”
– Marianne Williamson
and even sex,
intimacy is among the
most fundamental live apart, usually because of the
concepts in human relatedness. locations of their jobs, educational
For many, it is also one of the most demands, and dual-career pursuits.
enigmatic. Despite its importance They travel regularly in order to be
in achieving closeness in social and together, often on weekends but
romantic relations, the recipe seems sometimes less frequently.
like a best-kept secret and something Phone calls, videos, instant distance can be as – or more –
that develops without conscious messaging, texting and e-mails enable detrimental to a relationship than
effort. In an unfortunate parallel to immediate communication that can physical distance.
the stages and synchrony crucial for be used in various combinations to But some kind of distance may
true intimacy, it is often assumed sustain a continuous meaningful provide greater personal space and
as being known to those receiving romantic relationship despite enable greater personal flourishing,
relationship advice, which can be a geographical distance. which can be advantageous for
stumbling block to achieving more both partners as individuals and as
advanced relationship goals. One ME AND US a couple.
way to imagine true intimacy is the The increase in distant romantic While joint flourishing is essential
phrase ‘into me see’, which depicts relationships – which defy traditional (think a shared wish to flourish
the emotional vulnerability and notions of sitting down to dinner together for many years), each
proximity required for true intimacy. together every evening – may be party’s development of themselves as
While physical closeness is a partly informed by the increased individuals (self-flourishing) is also
crucial informant of the emotional value placed on personal flourishing important. Cultivating separate selves
intensity we feel with a partner, and in romantic relationships, as well as lends a sense of security, flexibility
love includes the wish to become as in marriage. and freedom that may enable
close as possible to the person we In his book Passionate Marriage, greater intimacy. When personal
love, it is less integral than pessimistic David Schnarch canvasses two models flourishing is at the centre of the
long-distance relationship tropes of intimacy: other-validated intimacy romantic relationship and marriage,
suggest. While true intimacy can and self-validated intimacy. the geographical closeness to the
withstand partners being in different Other-validated intimacy is partner becomes of less importance.
places geographically, it can neither marked by seeking acceptance, Personal development also prevents
be achieved nor maintained without empathy, validation and reciprocal co-dependency, in which partners
emotional closeness – which includes disclosure from our partner while are imagined almost symbiotically as
a sort of synchrony in movement self-validated intimacy relies on each inseparable parts of one another.
between partners, so that one is never person maintaining his or her own Whether distance is caused by
emotionally far from the other, as autonomy and self-worth. This style periods of increased involvement in
speaker and author Barbara Wilson’s involves the ability to maintain your a partner’s passions (such as football
five stages of intimacy suggest. sense of self while in close contact finals time), working interstate or
The resilience of intimacy to with the partner (who may or may not overseas, or even a permanent long-
physical distance is seen in increasing be validating you). distance residential arrangement,
numbers of romantic couples who That’s not to say it’s healthy this parallel nurturance means that
live a significant distance from each to imagine oneself as completely when you’re reunited, partners have
other. Noting the trend spawned by separate and needless of a partner something to bring back to each
globalisation and more affordable air or downplay the challenges of other, maintaining a freshness that
travel, US researcher Aaron Ben- maintaining connection and intimacy often isn’t there when all time is
Zeév has coined the term ‘commuter when faced with physical distance spent together.
marriage’ to describe a relationship from a romantic partner. Emotional The key is balancing the freedom
between people who are married and to be oneself and connectedness with
intend to remain so, but nevertheless a partner.

[ BEING WITH ]
ARE WE INTIMATE YET? level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve
switched our opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid
The word ‘intimacy’ has earned ubiquity in conflict or pain.
everyday parlance, but what does it really look like
in practice? LEVEL FOUR: MY FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES
Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability
Barbara Wilson has identified five levels of intimacy that serve and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain and
as developmental yardsticks as we get to know a new partner failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams and our goals;
or friend. what we like or don’t like; what makes us who we are. This level
True intimacy in a relationship happens over time – not in a is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about
day, week or even a month. Think of your best friend…how long something, the details of our past or current experiences. If we
did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with sense that we may be rejected or criticised, all we can do is try to
them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re
your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships no longer that person. We’re different now.
For true intimacy to occur, both people in the relationship
need to move through the levels together. If one partner is LEVEL FIVE: MY NEEDS, EMOTIONS AND DESIRES
sharing feelings and experiences at level four but the other has Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where
only reached the opinions and beliefs of level three, true intimacy we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of
can’t exist. While the more advanced partner might feel a greater that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I
degree of closeness, it is not true intimacy, since intimacy is can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my
measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability. deepest self with you. Unlike the other levels, there is no escape
Moreover, a discrepancy in the sense of closeness each person at this level.
experiences may foster mismatched expectations. Intimacy Once you let someone see who you really are, you can no
doesn’t come with score cards and calendar dates, so it can be longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level
hard to read – especially when you consider the complexities means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves.
of communication and behaviours between people striving for And the greatest fear is that they could use it against us later.
intimacy. One common mistake is believing that sex equals When we share things like, ‘I’m hurt when you don’t call’, ‘I need
intimacy. While feeling loved unconditionally and having the to feel respected by you’, or ‘I want to spend my life with you’,
highest level of trust native to true intimacy enables partners to we’re sharing not only our hurts but our desires and needs as well.
give themselves completely to each other, sex without the level It’s also the level where we let others see our emotional
of reciprocal trust and vulnerability native to true intimacy may in reaction to things, which isn’t always a pretty sight. Maybe that’s
fact be associated with anxiety, fear and distrust. Gauge the level why we save those for the ones closest to us, like our families.
of intimacy in your close relationships against Wilson’s model.
LEVEL ONE: SAFE COMMUNICATION

Level one is the initial and lowest level of communication. It is
considered safe because it really just involves the exchange of
facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal
vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection.
This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t
know very well. It’s the chat we have with the supermarket
checkout girl. People communicating at this level share minimal
intimacy. Examples of this level would be, ‘Looks like it’s going to
rain’ or ‘This is great Indian’.
LEVEL TWO: SHARING OPINIONS AND BELIEFS

At level two we begin to share other people’s thoughts, beliefs
and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves
through our associations. We say things like, ‘My mother
always says…’ or ‘One of my favourite authors said…’ Such
statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re
sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more
vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own
opinions, we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel
threatened by criticism or rejection.
LEVEL THREE: PERSONAL OPINIONS AND BELIEFS

We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share Julie Hart is director of The Hart
our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous Centre. Visit thehartcentre.com.au

FRENCH &
HAMPTONS STYLE
Lavender Hill Interiors offer complete collections of classic,
high quality French and Hamptons style furniture and
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(02) 8313 9085
www.lavenderhillinteriors.com.au
[ DISCOVERY ]
STYLE AND
SUBSTANCE
Designing the type of furniture you’ll want to live with forever is the goal of
Danish husband and wife duo Rolf and Mette Hay.
WORDS: NATHAN WILLIAM | PHOTOGRAPHY: LASSE FLØDE
F
or Rolf and Mette Hay, who run
contemporary Danish furniture
and accessories company HAY,
work does not stop at six o’clock
every evening. For this husband-
and-wife team, their business is They met while working for Danish design
their hobby and creating high-quality design at house Gubi and, along with their business
affordable prices is what drives them. partner, Troels Holch Povlsen, soon pooled
Their designs lie at the intersection of their talents to create HAY. When they were
architecture, art and fashion. Where Rolf first starting out, Rolf would set his alarm
focuses his boundless energy on the slow for four a.m. and be at the factory by seven.
burn of furniture design and production, Meeting the day head-on is something he still
Mette brings life and motion into the holds dear. They opened their first shop in the
accessories lines. Mette sees opportunities heart of Copenhagen; while other furniture
for design everywhere – from toothbrushes companies based themselves outside the city,
to matchboxes. Meanwhile, Rolf turns they opted for a smaller space, finding the
introspective for days, emerging with a constant dialogue with their customers to
brilliant idea for a chair that can take the next be invaluable.
three years to turn into a beautifully crafted The Hays create democratic design in
reality. They each respect what the other the spirit of Bauhaus, making furniture that
brings to the company; they are the answer to customers will still want to live with – and
each other’s questions. which hasn’t fallen apart – years later. They
Mette and Rolf grew up not far from one also believe that sustainability is essential for
another in Jutland (Denmark). Mette knew the future of the furniture industry as a whole.
from a young age that she wanted to get into They now have over 20 shops around the
design – her parents’ furniture store was a world but will not open stores just to grow the
second home to her. For Rolf, it was when he brand. It needs to be done in the right way, in
moved to Germany in his early twenties and the right space and, most importantly, with
just happened to land a job in a furniture shop the right people. Entrepreneurship has never
that he was introduced to the likes of Charles been about money for the Hays; it’s about
and Ray Eames and Arne Jacobsen. He would passion. “When I think of an entrepreneur, I
spend weeks reading about design, often think of passion and energy – someone who’s
driving five hours to the Vitra Design Museum eager to achieve something. And perhaps it
on weekends. also helps to be a little bit stupid and naive.
You can think of the best idea in the world, and
then you can think of 10 reasons not to do it,”
says Rolf.

This is an edited extract
from The Kinfolk
Entrepreneur by Nathan
Williams (Artisan
Publishing). Copyright
© 2017. RRP $69.99
and is available in stores
nationally. Photography:
by © Lasse Fløde.

[ DISCOVERY ]
CURVE
appeal
Once considered purely functional,
bathrooms are being endowed with
elements that meet higher needs such as
inducing relaxation, enabling everyday
indulgence and even enhancing
romance. From double showers to
soft-touch baths with biomorphic
curvature, the new bathroom is one part
washroom, one part day spa.
A
WORDS: AGATHA O / HOUSEOFDESIGN.NET.AU
s an interior designer,
my work has taken in
a new focus in recent
times to incorporate These studies offer insight into
the scientific laws areas ranging from how consumers
of neuroscience; engage with designers and what
essentially, ‘evidence-based’ design. influences their decisions through
Art and science working together to how to design spaces that respond
in an architectural space is not a to human needs. The consequences
new concept. But the alliance of of accounting for elements often
neuroscience and design is very new, overlooked or considered incidental
and it has the potential to change can be profound.
the way we operate in our homes, We perceive the built environment
businesses and cities. through our five primary senses.
The studies of neuropsychology Mainly sight, but also hearing, touch,
and cognitive behavioural science smell and taste. Neuroscientists
have uncovered new design sub- found a distinctive process occurs
disciplines, providing us with a better in our brain – consciously and
PHOTOGRAPHY: THINKSTOCK
understanding about how we think subconsciously, cognitively and

and feel and how we are influenced in physiologically – from the moment we
making decisions. step into a space.
Everything around us: shapes,
scale, smell, texture, taste, materials

and sounds affect our emotions,
mood, decision-making, health, level
of motivation; even memory at any
given moment in time.
The featured bathroom project
not only provides a challenge from create a design to meet ‘top Dubai
a design perspective due to its size architectural standards’. Their
and age of the building, which is a wish list included a luxurious spa
common obstacle, but also in terms experience, modern yet timeless
of getting the client brief right – it’s design, good natural and artificial
important to design a bathroom to lighting, efficient storage, quality
suit clients’ way of life and taste. In finishes, a large shower with both
this nascent field of evidence-based showerhead spray overhead and
design, the bathroom needs to be hand-held options.
therapeutic to the mind and body.
THE SOLUTION
THE HOME If you think about it, the most
Situated behind one of Adelaide’s modern thing you can do is to be
favourite café and retail strips, yourself – to assert your individuality.
King William Road, Hyde Park, this We have choices. You choose your
historically charming sandstone friends, you choose what you watch
villa received a modern bathroom on television, so why wouldn’t you
transformation. The clients, a choose a designer to help you achieve
professional, well-travelled family this? I worked with my client to help
with children, working and living her express her individuality and
between Australia, London and together we designed an exclusive
Hollywood, wanted to achieve owner’s retreat, reminiscent of a
the same luxury at home as on dwelling in the Hamptons, within an
holidays; a modern design with architecturally challenging envelope.
classic elegance. The space covering A master suite as part of the project
150 square metres incorporates: included an over nine-metre en suite,
a ‘master’ suite comprising large creating a luxurious hotel experience.
sleeping quarters, comfortable When I design I like the idea
‘his and her’ work stations, a cosy of taking people on a journey,
lounge area, a relaxation corner, an empowering them, but also guiding
outdoor breakfast area, a terrace them to a lifestyle.
garden, a walk-in closet similar to When faced with as many
• Skylight created natural lighting that provided by a luxury department structural challenges as this project,
• Ceiling lowered over shower store, and an en suite – all accessible due to the building’s age, finding the
increased efficiency of exhaust through a private lobby and a newly perfect state of equilibrium between
fan and allowed for seamless installed elevator. the traditional and contemporary –
integration of full tiles floor which is how I interpret the ‘classic
to ceiling THE SPACE elegance’ my client wanted – is
The clients wanted to create a not easy.
• Downlights, LED lighting strips
luxurious hotel experience with Elegance is an attitude, and the
and pendants created light
a modern design and classic first rule is to be never too excessive,
and mood
elegance, timeless finishes, space, so subtlety was key – although no
• Lappato porcelain tiles floor light, easy maintenance as well less noticeable or effective than bold
to ceiling and natural tiles on as complementing the home’s elements. For instance, the custom-
45°angle reflected low light architecture. The recommendation made vanity in a gentle white wash
playing on the illusion of depth for the work came from a highly was applied and rubbed by hand and
• Statement copper basin respected architect practising the client approved each stage before
selected by the client in Dubai, a friend of the clients’, the perfect finish was achieved.
with complementary who added an additional brief to Good design is about the way it
silver accessories makes you feel, the way it enables you
• Quality fittings and fixtures to create a finer version of yourself or
• Two showerheads, large vanity channel a sense of identity that might
otherwise escape you.

[ DISCOVERY ]
Mood lighting
Natural lighting was achieved by
installing a skylight. Lighting was
critical, and included the design and
installation of a ceiling light, an LED
lighting strip bordering the feature
wall and mirror, clustered by two
dimmable pendants, and a downlight
on a sensor under the vanity, washing
the floor with a luminous glow. An
LED lighting strip was also added to
the bulkhead over the shower, which
also washed the wall with light.
Natural and artificial lighting was
the first thing I addressed as vison
provides upwards of 90 per cent of
information we use to understand
the physical world around us. Sight is
also a visual language and affects our
emotions, as well as the intensity of
these emotions.
Studies have shown that
manipulation of natural and artificial
light within a building can have
a direct effect on the health and
welfare of the people who occupy
those spaces.
University Of Kansas School of
Medicine is linking typical signs
of ageing, such as memory loss,
depression, insomnia and slow
reaction times to ageing of the eyes
and diminishing natural light. Touch and texture of the room, it creates the illusion that
By introducing warm white LED Texture is an element that is often the space is that much bigger than it
lighting in layers and a skylight, it overlooked in design, yet it can add a really is.
simulates natural daylight and creates powerful and/or subtle dimension to The visual cortex itself is
on illusion of depth while relaxing the any design. effectively two-dimensional, but
eye and the mind. Texture refers to how the surface of somehow our brain reconstructs a
Embracing the aesthetics of the an object feels. And all surfaces have three-dimensional image of the space
home’s architecture, Italian natural texture, be they matt or shiny, coarse around us. Visual (or optical) illusions
and lappato porcelain tiles played on or fine, rough or smooth. show us that our minds tend to make
the illusion of depth. Lappato 600 x Texture can also suggest assumptions about the world – and
600 tiles floor to ceiling, and natural temperature: smooth and shiny what you think you see is often not
300 x 600 feature wall tiles laid on a textures which reflect light give a the truth.
45-degree angle reflected low light cool impression; soft raised textures The brain can only process so much
like a pearl. The result was a backdrop absorb light and convey a sense information in a defined amount of
perfect for the copper basin selected of warmth. time, so a lot of what we experience is
by the clients as a statement. In true lasting value, the timeless our mind filling in the gaps.
design in large Italian natural and According to the State University
lappato porcelain tiles selected in a of New York Medical Centre, our
neutral palette reflected low light, visual system remains too limited to
while also playing an illusion of tackle all of the information our eyes
depth. The natural 300 x 600mm take in. For that our brains would
tiles on the newly erected wall laid on need to be bigger than a building; and
the 45-degree angle further play on that still wouldn’t be big enough. And
illusion on perception of space. As the so our minds take shortcuts.
eye travels along the angle of the tiles,
which is longer than the overall length

Curve appeal
DESIGN INSPIRATION…
BATHROOMS
WE LOVE
TRENDING
OUTDOOR BATHS
A burgeoning design trend reconciles the
relaxation benefits of slow bathing with
the restorative and life-affirming power
of exposure to the natural environment.
“Creating an outdoor respite for bathing
is now a must-have amenity in new luxury
home design, whether the home features an
outdoor soaking tub, a rain shower with a view,
or simply a wall of glass, bringing the illusion
of merging indoor and outdoor spaces,” says
Marvin Flax, managing director of OBM
International. “As the Hawaiian artist Ethan
Fierro so eloquently expresses it, ‘as humans,
we are not in touch with the natural world, and
there is something inside of us that longs for
it’.” Typically, the design of an open-air bath
falls within one of three categories: entirely
open to the outdoors, placed in the outdoors,
or having a view of the outdoors. While
outdoor bathing areas are ideally suited to
new builds and significant renovations, they
can be retro-fitted. Think of them as the new
barbecue area with outdoor sink.
So as our senses are engaged and influenced

by the physical attributes of architecture, light,
colour and texture flip switches in our mind
that affects our mental state.
The impact of some of these elements can
affect us immediately – such as the sense of
calm felt upon entering a warmly designed
bathroom – while others can take longer
to manifest.
But, once created, we are unlikely to change
our intuitive belief on the feelings we form.
The completed bathroom is seamless,
luxurious and modern, fitting perfectly
within the notion of timeless classic elegance.
Materials and colours are soothing, including
the statement copper basin. Quality fittings
and fixtures lend a sense of occasion to a
luxurious bathing retreat that meets the
practical needs of a family.
Agatha O is founder of Agatha O House of

Design. For more inspiring design ideas, visit
houseofdesign.net.au

[ DISCOVERY ]
POWER and
PASSION
The difference between love,
passion and luke-warm are
important when it comes to
life satisfaction.

T
he phrase ‘Do what you
love, love what you do’ Australasia reported even feeling
seems to have become satisfied in their current role.
a modern mantra in Yet with the average age of failure to question it is. While they may
an era where we are retirement getting later and the online feel immutable, thought patterns can
entitled to not only earn environment lowering barriers to be unlearned and overwritten.
a crust, but enjoy doing it. But while the entry to further study and training, as To discern genuine satisfaction
affective intensity native to love may well as networks that support specific from a sense of inevitability or
appear in what looks like dedication, industries and interests, Fuller says the powerlessness to connect with
commitment and even obsession, the once-imagined expiry date on passion your passion, life coach Robyn Bull
propensity to seize the day – or at least is becoming redundant. Moreover, the recommends reflecting on what you
a part of it during which you paint or life skills and wisdom gained earlier wanted to do before you felt the weight
spin records or help groom horses – is may be a blessing, not a curse. of expectation, or what you discuss as
more likely symptomatic of passion. “In job interviews they look for a pipe dream over Friday night drinks.
Passion is often considered someone who is highly motivated, “We often are not connected to what
synonymous with love for its intensity because they are going to outperform our purpose is, our calling, so passion
and capacity to motivate and madden. someone who doesn’t have that becomes stuck or limited,” she says.
After all, passion is often associated passion, even if they have better The kernel of passion may not be
with wild hand gestures and speech qualifications and better skills,” as obvious as the conviction that you
that stops for no interjection – Fuller says. need to leave the corporate world for
especially not if it’s appealing Bray Attwood agrees. “To have a life in floristry or move to Byron Bay.
to moderation. absolute success in any area, the most Much like psychology’s lauded change
“We know that if you’re passionate, important prerequisite must be that model, which templates stages of
committed and highly engaged you have a passion for doing it.” readiness and commitment to change
in what you’re doing, you’re more According to Fuller, passion is including pre-contemplation and
likely to do well,” says psychologist “about being fully present, focused and maintenance, newfound passions can
Meredith Fuller. “More than ability engaged. There’s a sense of being totally be tested. Ken Robinson, author of The
and intelligence, enthusiasm and immersed, committed and connected Element: How Finding Your Passion
passion for work is a higher predictor to what’s happening.” Importantly, to Changes Everything, suggests gathering
for success.” be passionate is to be authentic – your information and trying on the identity
According to author and creator true self. Which is essential to feeling as of someone engaged in your area
of The Passion Test Janet Bray though you’re going with the grain, not of interest by joining a like-minded
Attwood, “…passion is the inner fire against it. tribe. The fringe benefit of cultivating
that propels you forward through targeted relationships off- or online
the combination of love for what GREAT EXPECTATIONS is that they may later be converted to
you’re doing and the inner sense of What is often mistaken for lack of valuable networks and opportunities
purpose that comes from connecting passion among people who feel unable should you pursue a commercial path.
to one’s deepest passions. Enjoyment to identify their passion is actually fear Beside obvious social networking
arises from this combination of love of commitment, according to Fuller. platforms such as Instagram, joining
and purposefulness.” “Unfortunately, by holding yourself a group such as Business Chicks or
Feeling as though your values align back you may be playing it safe, but Women in Business, or a niche Meetup
with how you make your living can also you don’t know what you’re missing group (meetup.com) can help lend
cultivate resilience and guard against out on.” gravitas and validation to what existing
burnout and stress-induced illness. Another common barrier is beliefs may mock as a ‘hobby’.
“When you have a lot of passion, unquestioning loyalty to conditioned “It doesn’t matter whether you like
you’re more likely to keep trying, to beliefs about what you should do. the people as individuals, or even the
pick yourself up, dust yourself off and Curiosity often competes with work they do. It’s perfectly possible
go again,” says Fuller. “You’re more conditioning. If you come from a that you don’t. What matters first is
likely to put in the effort, and you’re clan of overachievers, particularly in having validation for the passion you
more likely to be curious and creative.” academia, you’ll have learned early have in common,” says Robinson.
An irony of passion is that by the on that there is a standard for which “Finding your tribe brings the luxury of
time many people discover it, they you are obliged to strive – whether talking shop, of bouncing ideas around,
are often limited by prior investment that’s practising law to leverage your of sharing and comparing techniques,
in study and climbing the vocational verbal acumen and top percentile and of indulging your enthusiasms or
ladder. And despite an apparent grade point average, or following the hostilities for the same things.
cultural shift towards harnessing family’s entrepreneurial lead. Such “In every domain, members of a
personal power and postmodern career programming isn’t the problem – a passionate community tend to drive
options, just over half of people in a each other to explore the real extent of
survey by Leadership Management their talents.”

[ DISCOVERY ]
MAKE IT HAPPEN
WRITE A BOOK the author retains all the control and earns sure I got these bits right,” she says. “I also
So you’ve penned the next bestseller, 100 per cent from sales.” From completed paid for professional mentoring sessions
now what? With reading and shopping manuscript, the unfinished book needs to with a publishing expert to guide me
habits leaning toward the online, self- be typeset, have cover art designed, obtain through the process.”
publishing your book is seen more as a an ISBN number and then print, distribute
strategic decision than a last resort. Andy and market the book. Authors can choose WILDE’S TOP TIPS
McDermott published his first book, to do all, none or some of this themselves • Choose your printer carefully and
The Tiger Chase, through a traditional depending on their time, experience select one that specialises in printing
publishing house and despite an and budget. books. A poor-quality print job will be a
international book tour, was disillusioned by Previously considered expensive, print- bad reflection on all your hard work.
the publishing industry. He subsequently on-demand options now make it possible • Understand your audience to nail
self-published a second edition of the to self-publish with a small run of 50 books your marketing. Scour social media
book and went on to form self-publishing for as little as $2,000, says McDermott. and other groups where your potential
company Publicious to help other authors Hypnotherapist Maggie Wilde chose to readers can learn more about you.
through the process. “There’s never been outsource much of the process for her • Having a strategic approach to your
a better time to be a self-published author. self-published book, Mind Potential: Unzip marketing is the secret. Ask lots of
There are so many options and it doesn’t the Fat Suit Using Your Mind. “Formatting questions, even one’s you think might
have to cost a fortune either,” he says. “The and design were really important to me, so be silly.
biggest benefits of self-publishing are that I spent the extra time and money to make
BUILD A SOCIAL be a legitimate avenue for fame. Make-up much easier to connect to
MEDIA BRAND artist Lauren Curtis started her beauty an everyday person than a
While it’s best known as the birthplace channel (youtube.com/laurenbeautyy) celebrity on TV,” says Curtis.
of Justin Bieber and as a receptacle for in 2011 as a means of combining her love
videos of cats wearing clothes, YouTube of online communication and make-up.
is a powerful platform, with more than a Since uploading a basic how-to video, she’s CURTIS’ TOP TIPS
billion unique users visiting the site each earned more than a million subscribers • Some people won’t like
month. An estimated 100 hours of fresh around the globe, who tune in for her what you do and won’t be afraid to
video content is uploaded to YouTube hair and beauty tutorials, product reviews tell you. Be passionate and confident
every minute. With such a captive and and make-up advice. YouTube now earns about what you’re doing to help you
growing audience, marketers are paying Curtis a full-time income from advertising disregard any negativity.
big bucks to have their products aligned and sponsorships and she has recently • Be yourself. It’s why your viewers will
or advertised within these videos as they moved from Perth to Sydney to expand love you.
begin to recognise YouTube as a viable her business. • Invest in quality equipment. Lauren
alternative to mainstream media. From “YouTube channels have an advantage uses a Canon Rebel T3i and edits
making cupcakes to changing your oil, because they’re much more personal. In on iMovie to ensure videos are clear
there’s a YouTube video for everything and most cases the YouTuber is in their own and concise.
these online megastars are proving it to home and doing it all themselves. It’s
LIVE AND WORK ABROAD Each country has different conditions

You may be beyond pulling beers in for working visas, which often are tailored GARDNER’S TOP TIPS
a British bar, but even once you’re to nationality, industry and role type • Get networking. Your ability to
established in your career in your home and may even consider applicants’ age connect with the right people at the
country, a stint overseas can add skills (Europe has a more permissive work right time is sometimes all it takes.
and experience you mightn’t gain here. environment for Australians aged under • Living overseas can be a culturally
Despite solid credentials, digital marketing 30 than older workers). Most working visas rewarding adventure. Don’t waste the
director Bianca Gardner toiled for years require sponsorship by a host employer opportunity – immerse yourself in your
to make her dream of living in New York in the new country, but seek advice from adopted country.
happen. “I basically cold-called a bunch of a placement agency to assess options for • Seek expert advice. A great place to
different agencies until I got a foot in the the country in which you’d like to work. start is au.usembassy.gov
door,” she says. “Junior level positions and Gardner says that living in New York is
jobs in fast food restaurants are easy to everything she imagined. “There’s so
come by, but there’s a lot of competition much on offer and I love the intensity and
for anything else.” pace of it all,” she says.

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[ DISCOVERY ]
LIFE LOG
THE JOURNAL IS THE DESTINATION
Journalling has earned significant kudos in
psychology and self-help for its scope in promoting
healing and growth, but the type of writing you do
may propel you forward or keep you stuck in the past.
Harness your mind’s growth potential by tailoring
your journalling type.

W
hile journalling is
recommended as a
democratic self-help
tool, not all journalling
is created equal. And
like any intervention, Those in the study identified as ‘low
even the seemingly innocuous act of writing ruminators’ – those not brooding over their
your thoughts in a nice notebook can prolong marital separation – had similar emotional
rather than help heal distress in certain people. outcomes regardless of what type of writing
For people considered ‘high ruminators’, style they were assigned.
expressive writing may hinder emotional Sbarra says that expressive writing has
recovery from adverse life events and proved in numerous studies to be an effective
losses, according to research suggesting intervention for individuals who have
that non-expressive control writing might experienced stressful life events, but says his
be a more useful blanket recommendation. findings suggest that it may not be the best
High ruminators tend to brood over the approach universally.
circumstances of their adverse event or loss in “I think many, many therapists have
search of answers. a tendency to believe that journalling
“These are people who are essentially unequivocally is a good thing to do, especially
searching for meaning in their experience when people are trying to figure things out in
or who have a tendency to ruminate on their their head,” he says.
experience, brood on their experience and “This study is important because it
go over it and over it and over it again,” says challenges our notions about what might be the
psychological scientist David Sbarra, who led thing to do to promote healing after a divorce. It
a study of recovery from marital separation makes us reconsider the things we do to try to
published in Clinical Psychological Science. put our lives back together.”
“If a person goes over and over something in For the study, members of two randomly
their head, and then you say, ‘Write down your selected groups wrote for 20 minutes a day
deepest darkest thoughts and go over it again,’ for three days either about their feelings
we will intensify their distress.” about their relationship through traditional
For high ruminators, Sbarra suggests non- expressive writing, or practised a technique
expressive journalling. “If you’re someone who known as narrative expressive writing – which
tends to be totally in your head and go over prescribes writing about feelings within the
and over what happened and why it happened, framework of a narrative with a beginning,
you need to get out of your head and just start middle and end, effectively telling the story of
thinking about how you’re going to put your life the marriage. A control group was instructed to
back together and organise your time,” he says. simply keep a journal of basic daily activities,
“Some people might naively call this avoidance, without writing about emotions or opinions.
but it’s not avoidance; it is just re-engagement “At the eight-month follow-up period, high
in life, and the control writing asks people to ruminators actually reported the least distress
engage in this process.” in the control condition, suggesting that control
writing for these people may actually be the
beneficial thing,” says Sbarra.
BENEFITS OF KEEPING A LIFE LOG

• Boosts happiness and confidence • Assists with harnessing your creativity
• Serves as an effective stress management tool • Builds self-discipline – creating a domino
• Deepens self-awareness effect for healthy habits
• Builds better habits as you acknowledge your • Sharpens your senses and evokes mindfulness
actions and behaviours by encouraging you to focus on the present
• Enhances mood through gratitude, heals • Increases emotional intelligence
your mind and body – journalling is an • Boosts IQ as you expand your language and
emotional release ability to express yourself
• Captures events in a safe environment where • Keeps you in touch and on task with
you can process them without fear or stress; your goals
opens your mind to process and communicate • Provides a way to record your wins, losses,
complex ideas learnings and moments to remember

[ DISCOVERY ]
A JOURNAL IS A WRITTEN RECORD of

your thoughts, experiences and observations.
It allows your mind to process your thoughts
at a deeper and more solution-focused level
than just thinking. Journalling requires only
a pen and paper, and doing this daily can
upgrade your life. It is an incredible life skill to
pick up and venture into.
Evidence and ground-breaking research
on elite performance and ultra-achievement
has revealed that keeping a journal on a
regular basis boosts mental focus, increases
self-confidence, elevates mental attitude and
increases personal levels of happiness.
Journalling allows you to clarify your
thoughts and feelings, which in turn gives
you valuable self-knowledge. It is a helpful
problem-solving tool, as you can write about
a problem and come up with solutions more
readily on paper. Beyond keeping your
creativity alive, writing regularly can give you
a safe, cathartic release from the stress you • Cultivate gratitude. Write a daily list
may experience in daily life. of things you appreciate and notice – this
There are no rules around it, no right will lift your mindset and boost your
or wrong way to journal, which makes it a happiness. You might want to include
C
wonderful tool to use as a support structure your home, friends, family, health, food, M
in your life. Most people purchase a lovely nature, entertainment or education. Y
notebook and pen and just get started, either Rewire the negative with the positive CM
in the morning or as a night-time ritual. Some through appreciation.

will want to write a lot, while others may • Dump your worry. Clear your mind. Write
MY
prefer to use bullet points, which are just about what is taking up your mind space. CY
as effective. Creativity and growth require space, so CMY
A strong foundation of self-worth will help declutter your mind by writing about your K
you make the choices that are best for you. worries and what solutions could work to
‘But I don’t know what to write…’ get you through.
If this sounds familiar, consider these • Write your goals daily. We live with
prompts and content ideas. dramatic distraction and are losing the
• Start writing about where you are in art of focus and finishing what we started.
life at the moment. Begin with your Write down your list of goals each day to
relationships, career, living environments, stay in tune, alert and on task with where
finances and mindset. Acknowledge what is you want to go.
real and connect with yourself. • Keep a log list. List your favourite songs,
• Record your daily progress. Consider movies, quotes, holidays. This list can lift
small wins or achievements that boost your you up when you experience anxiety, stress
motivation levels and keep you inspired and lower moods.
to grow. • Write what comes to mind. Be free and
• Explore what you saw, felt and just write. This could be about anything:
experienced. Your life is grand and ways you could nurture yourself, activities
your journey is fascinating, so recording you like, questions you want the answer to,
it, the people you meet and events that fears you are having, reasons to save money,
happen will motivate you moving forward. jobs you aspire to, qualities you are proud
Journalling is a great reflection activity. of, things you value, ways you can help
• Write about your daily insights and others, judgements you make or things to
learnings. Jot down words, a conversation, do when you are down.
This is an edited extract
a quote, events that happened, a from Shine: 20 Secrets • Create positive endings. End your
book you read, podcasts or songs you to a Happy Life by The journalling sessions with a few words about
discovered. Consider which of them you Essentialists, published potential solutions to your problems, things
by Penguin Random
want to incorporate into your daily life House Australia, RRP you appreciate in your life, or things that
going forward. $19.99, on sale now give you hope.

[ DISCOVERY ]
Adult Colouring Books:

Fad or
Fiction? Colour
Therapy
Can colouring in really
compete with meditation
and yoga? We mine
the science of adult
colouring books.
WORDS: NATASHA THOMPSON

like they could do it. They didn’t have the time
or the concentration or they just didn’t believe
it was working for them. So there had to be
another solution, something that could keep
people busy and still get their mind away from
everyday stressors.”
That solution arrived one day when Rodski
was seeing a young woman with a history of
medicated anxiety. “I thought, let’s just try
A
something – I had a colouring sheet at that
time,” says the psychologist. “I got her to fill
rriving abruptly, en masse it out while she was hooked up to an EEG
and trailed by claims of machine.” An EEG, or electroencephalography
life-changing status, adult machine, measures electrical signals produced
colouring books burst onto by the brain through electrodes placed on the
the market like any fad. surface of the skull. Data from the electrodes
The year was 2015 and it is computed to create a graphed signal, in a
seemed like everyone was talking about the similar fashion to the heart rate monitors you
new, therapeutic DIY genre. The statistics would have seen in high school textbooks.
confirmed the craze. Nielsen BookScan Watching this EEG signal, Rodski saw
recorded a striking 1100 per cent increase something “amazing”. “I saw her move from
in annual colouring book sales from 2014 to an anxious state to a relaxed state. (When she
2015. The benefits from the new book on the started colouring), the EEG signal moved from
shelf were alluring: reduced stress, enhanced beta waves to alpha waves.”
mindfulness and improved concentration. What do waves have to do with it? Neural
A little over two years on, sales have slowed waves reflect synchronous electrical activity
but there’s still a loyal market for the trend. produced by groups of neurons in the
So what’s actually going on in our brains brain. The distinct waveforms produced by
when we colour and is there any truth to the synchronous neural activity are linked to
purported benefits? certain states of consciousness. Specifically,
Unfortunately, in the world of science, two very high frequency and relatively low
years is a fairly short period to conduct and amplitude beta waves are associated with
publish high-quality research. So we are still alertness and concentration, as well as anxious
waiting to see whether the benefits of the thinking, while lower frequency alpha waves
trend are backed by science. But preliminary are associated with relaxed, wakeful states,
findings are proving promising according to such as meditation. It was this meditative state
Dr Stanley Rodski, a neuropsychologist who that Rodski saw his client fall into when she
also happens to own a line of adult colouring began colouring.
books. “I have a major study going on with Could we pick up any old colouring book
the University of New Mexico in the US,” and see the same effect? With few scientific
says Rodski. “We are getting students to do studies available, that question is still up for
five minutes of colouring before their maths debate. But Rodski believes those books that
exams. We’re trialling it to see if it has an effect adopt patterns, as opposed to pictures, are the
on marks. We’ve had very positive results most effective. This is where the colourtation
so far.” method comes in. “The colourtation method
Rodski has seen these results first-hand involves repetition, pattern and control,” says
in his own practice. In fact, it was in this Rodski. “The images are filled with patterns.
setting that he first developed the idea for the By repeating certain colours you get certain
‘colourtation method’, the theory behind his patterns and by staying between the lines
colouring book series. “I had been working you experience control.” While you may be
as a psychologist for over 30 years and I had drawn to one of the numerous picture-themed
a long legacy of working with executives with colouring books, Rodski suggests pattern-
stress,” says Rodski. “For years I’d been telling based images are the most effective for stress
them to do meditation and yoga – and I had reduction. “What we see,” says Rodski, “is you
always found that about half just didn’t feel get the best alpha effect on the brain if you
use the three elements of the colourtation
method: repetition, pattern and control.”

[ DISCOVERY ]
Could we not gain the same effects from

sewing or other repetitive, pattern-focused
tasks? “You can,” says Rodski. “But what I
find when practising as a psychologist and
now as a scientist, for most of my clients, time
is an issue. We used to do a lot of things that
would help us relax and not focus on our lives,
whether that be knitting, gardening or walking
our dogs. Now we hire gardeners, get knitted
clothes, and even hire people to walk our dogs.
These colouring books are really a solution
for people who need some head space during
the day.” And what if colouring is not your
thing? Rodski suggests it shouldn’t be forced.
“We all did colouring as youngsters. We did
colouring because we were teaching the brain
coordination so we could eventually write. For
many people that was a struggle then and it’s
created a negative reaction for adults. I don’t
have an answer for them, except to go do some
digging or knitting.”
Whichever activity you choose to unwind
with, make sure to make it a regular habit.
“The absolute science of it is when you actually
practise this, what happens is you release
dopamine,” says Rodski. He then outlines
the chain of reactions that leads to greater Are there any other ways to make sure we
production of the feel-good neurotransmitter get the best ‘alpha effect’ from our colouring?
serotonin and down-regulation of the stress- “It’s really important to go off-line for at
driving hormone cortisol. According to least five minutes, engaging with the sort of
Rodski, the psychological effect is a more drawings that are non-competitive,” says
positive mindset in the short term and Rodski. “If you’re colouring of your own
reduced illness in the long term. “By reducing accord or working toward a picture, you can
the cortisol you reduce the amyloid proteins easily become judgemental.” Rodski believes
in the brain. These (proteins) are the ones patterns also help colourers focus on the
that lead to illnesses, such as aneurysms and process, as opposed to the end result. “It’s the
hearts attacks.” process, not the outcome, we are interested in.
Above is a sample
A normal picture has an outcome, but, for us, colouring page from
it’s the process. We’ve found that if you spend Dr Stanley Rodski’s
five minutes colouring, out of the digital world colouring book series, as
seen in Oprah Winfrey’s
in a brain sense, you get the equivalent of 40 2016 Christmas gift
minutes of meditation.” guide.

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[ DISCOVERY ]
KEEP CALM
AND CARRY ON
Stress is an inevitable by-product of a culture that deifies
busyness, but while some stress is motivating, too much can
cascade into clinical anxiety. Arrest the pressure by knowing
the signs.
WORDS: DAVID GODING
S
tress is a common
precursor to the potentially
crippling anxiety, which
affects an estimated 14 per
cent of Australians at any
time according to SANE Chronic stress can compromise
Australia. “They are related. Generally brain function according to Lyleson. ANXIETY
OVERHAUL
you’re not going to feel anxiety unless In what the DSM-V classifies as
you’re in a stressful situation; however, disorders of extreme stress, the best
anxiety itself creates stress. It tends known of which is post-traumatic SELF-TALK
to be a vicious circle and it can be stress disorder (PTSD), successors to Trying to block anxiety doesn’t work,
hard to know where it starts,” says stress can include permanent memory says Lyleson.
psychologist Eric Lyleson. “Usually problems. Stress is also a major “It’s the opposite of blocking it out that
there are stressors – pressures that are risk factor for depression, anxiety really works,” he says. “Face the original
frightening or challenging – and with and dementia. feeling, notice what happens when you just
self-doubt and negative thinking, it’s Anxiety is often an attempt to block allow that feeling to be there. When you
quickly made into more than it is.” out hard-to-face fears. “It’s avoiding open up to it more you naturally relax a
An estimated three quarters of things by distracting ourselves, or even little bit and become more friendly with that
Australians report that stress has at thinking about worst case scenarios fearful feeling. In a way it’s like learning to be
least some impact on their physical rather than actually tackling things,” a better parent to yourself. The best thing
health, according to the Australian says Lyleson. to say to yourself is ‘It’s ok to be scared, I not
Psychological Society. According to psychologist and co- afraid to be scared, everybody gets scared.’”
Immediate physiological symptoms author of The Mindful Way Through Differentiating between helpful and
include increased heart rate and Anxiety Dr Susan Orsillo, anxiety is damaging self-talk is essential.
breathing rate as adrenaline is dumped an overreaction. “Rather than issue “With anxiety, your mind is normally lying
into your system, says Lyleson. “You sensible warnings about potential or exaggerating what might happen,” says
may get a tightness in the chest or danger, it screams alarms or nags Lyleson. “A good intervention is appraising
belly and butterflies in the stomach, incessantly. Rather than bringing your mental script critically as though it were
you might become flushed in the face you peace of mind, it commandeers being broadcast on television or published in
and get sweaty armpits.” attention until everything seems like a newspaper.”
As the brain’s panic centre, the a potential threat, making it hard to
amygdala, continues in overdrive, pursue what matters most to you,” BREATHING
anxiety sufferers may come to fear she says. The simple act of breathing correctly can
losing control or having a panic attack. According to psychologist and help prevent and manage anxiety, says
“This fear escalates the anxiety, author of The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety breathing specialist Tess Graham, director of
dumps more adrenalin and cortisol Management Techniques Dr Margaret BreatheAbility.
and other stress hormones into the Wehrenberg, the amygdala is like a “One of the most damaging myths is that
system, trying to prepare you for the smoke detector that goes off when you the more air you breathe, the better, that we
‘fight or flight’ response,” says Lyleson, burn toast. The reason anxiety tends should all be deep breathing. But that’s the
describing a self-fulfilling process. to recur is that the amygdala stores complete opposite of what we should be
the moment of terror as an instruction doing. That’s the way you set off an anxiety
to activate the same response to or panic attack and its one of the main
similar triggers. reasons there is so much anxiety.”

“There have been several clinical studies
conducted, the majority positive, and
the development and the continuation of
certainly the last two clinical trials we’ve
depression and anxiety disorders,” says Dr
conducted using kava root extract in tablet
Michael W. Otto, a psychologist and author
form have shown that it’s quite effective in
of Exercise for Mood and Anxiety.”
treating anxiety,” he says.
“Choosing not to exercise because you
“It has an effect by relaxing the muscles
are feeling down is like choosing not to take
and has an anxiety-reducing effect
an aspirin because you have a headache.
mentally, via the brains GABA pathway.
The aspirin is for times when you have a
But it’s different to benzodiazepines or
headache, and exercise is most effective
alcohol in that it doesn’t have a cognitive
when you are feeling down.”
impairing effect.”
The mental benefits are immediate.
Certain herbs may also be helpful.
“If you can just get yourself started on an
“There is some evidence for
exercise session, you can feel very differently
passionflower, skullcap and ginkgo biloba,”
within a half hour,” says Dr Otto.
says Dr Sarris. “It used a standardised form of
chamomile in capsule form, but you can get
CBT
the same effect from tea, you just need to
Cognitive behavioural therapy offers many
use a few teabags and put them in a teapot
strategies for working with behaviour and
so the volatile oils don’t escape.”
emotions. One useful practice involves
Regular magnesium supplementation
planning how you’re going to behave before
may be of benefit, but only if levels in the
a stressful event.
body are low.
The ideal intake is five litres of air per “Occasions such as weddings,
“Magnesium has a critical neurochemical
minute, inhaled in around 10 breaths. “The examinations or holidays tend to be fixed
role to do with nervous system function and
average person today is breathing 12 litres and we can suddenly find them almost upon
is important for relaxation of the muscles,”
per minute,” says Graham. us,” says therapist and author of Overcoming
says Dr Sarris.
Aim to breathe gently through the nose, Anxiety Dr Helen Kennerley.
she says. “First of all become aware of your For a self-help exercise, take a pen
MEDITATION
breathing. Understand that anxiety is related and paper, define the problem, list several
Meditation is the natural enemy of anxiety
to an over-breathing habit. You might notice solutions, evaluate the pros and cons of the
according to Dr Edmund J Bourne, author of
that you’re sighing, yawning, gulping air when solutions and choose one. Then construct a
Natural Relief for Anxiety.
you’re talking, mouth breathing. plan for putting that plan into action.
“Meditation allows you to expand your
“Then try to breathe more gently and the “Be specific about the task ahead and
awareness to the point where it’s larger than
best way to do that is to breathe through the try not to confuse several tasks,” says Dr
your fearful thoughts or emotional reactions,”
nose whenever comfortable. This in itself is Kennerley. “Where possible, distinguish
he says. “As soon as your awareness is larger
so calming.” the different aspects of your problem
than your fear, you are no longer swept up by
“Thirdly, sit more upright. When people and separate it into a collection of more
the fear but are able to stand outside of it.”
slouch they are actually folding over their manageable tasks, then make a plan
Developing a regular meditation practice
solar plexus-diaphragm area and that makes for each.”
needn’t be hard work, says Lyleson.
them more likely to breathe faster, with the After the event, review the outcome.
“Bring your attention out of your
upper chest. “If your solution works and is sufficient,
thoughts, away from the TV set of your mind
“These three things can transform the way congratulate yourself and remember this
and come back into your body and then into
you feel.” successful experience for the future,” says
something neutral, like your breath coming
Dr Kennerley. “But whatever conclusion
and going, or feeling your feet on the
NATURAL MEDICINE you reach, commend yourself for having
ground, or just looking around and seeing
Natural remedies may sound like poor tried, learn as much as you can from the
what’s in the room,” he says.
matches for a condition that can become experience and go back to your solution list
“We start to see that the mind is actually
crippling, but science has established and select the next one.”
not the stuff that’s in the mind but the space
solid benefits for certain plant-based and in which thoughts come and go. Traditionally
herbal treatments. “The nutraceutical with we talk about peace of mind. That’s always For more information about anxiety
the greatest evidence bank that has been there. You already have peace of mind, the or to find a psychologist near you, try
studied the most in terms of anxiety is the rest is just content.” these resources.
South Pacific medicinal plant kava,” says • sane.org
Dr Jerome Sarris, a specialist in integrative EXERCISE • headspace.org.au
and complementary medicine from The Physical activity boosts mood and can even • anxietyonline.org.au
University of Melbourne. relieve pain by releasing endorphins. • psychology.org.au
“The role of exercise in helping people
adapt to stress is particularly important
given that stress plays a key role in both @musemagazineau

[ DISCOVERY ]
Awasi Iguazu, Argentina
LESS toLUXE
Bucket List
From exploring the spectacular wilds of Tasmania
to sleeping above Iceland’s famous Blue Lagoon and
glamping with Tanzania’s wildlife, these bucket list
adventures dare you to answer: existing or living?
AWASI IGUAZÚ FLOATING CAPSULE HOTEL
Argentina Japan
Building on its pioneering properties in In 2015, Huis Ten Bosch created the world’s
Atacama and Patagonia, Awasi has created a first hotel staffed by robots, and in late 2017
wonderful 12-villa lodge just 15 minutes from was scheduled to complete its new floating
the legendary Iguazú Falls. Perched on stilts to capsule hotel. The two-storey spheres,
reduce environmental impact, and well spaced complete with beds under a glass dome, will
in dense jungle along the banks of the Iguazú travel slowly across a six-kilometre stretch
River, villas feature private plunge pools, of water during the night, bringing guests
outdoor showers and large living areas. Each to a new island adventure resort. Huis Ten
villa has a 4WD and private guide to explore Bosch is located in the city of Sasebo, Nagasaki
the area. awasiguazu.com Prefecture. english.huistenbosch.co.jp
The Highlands Camp, Tanzania
MOSS HOTEL THE HIGHLANDS CAMP

Iceland Tanzania
The steaming Blue Lagoon is Iceland’s While other travellers queue to enter the wildlife
most famed sight, and this year it will be haven of Ngorongoro, Africa’s most famous
possible to wake up with a spectacular view crater, guests at Asilia’s Highlands Camp will
over it. Powered by sustainable energy awake inside a remote part of the conservation
from geothermal activity, this modern and area. Taking glamping to a new level, this eco-
minimalist luxury hotel sits atop moss- conscious camp’s eight large rooms are quilted,
covered lava flows that date back to 1226. And, cocoon-like domes with unforgettable views
of course, a Blue Lagoon hotel wouldn’t be over the African wilderness. And Asilia’s long-
complete without a subterranean spa – the term relationship with local Maasai carries over
Discover more Lava Cove. The Lagoon Suite features access to rich and meaningful cultural experiences for
destinations in Lonely
Planet’s Best In Travel to a private portion of the lagoon. retreat. guests, too. Wildlife drives, hikes and meals are
2018, $24.99 bluelagoon.com all included. asiliaafrica.com

[ DISCOVERY ]
THOUSAND LAKES LODGE Thousand Lakes Lodge, Australia

Australia
The chance to explore the rugged and isolated
beauty of the Unesco-listed Tasmanian
Wilderness World Heritage Area is now a
step closer thanks to this freshly opened
lodge. Transformed from a former training
facility for Antarctic expeditions, the nine-
room Thousand Lakes Lodge is an incredibly
welcoming (and warming) place to base
yourself for hiking, fishing, mountain biking
and wildlife watching on the beautiful
highland plains. The low-impact eco-lodge is a
90-minute drive from Launceston in northern
Tasmania. thousandlakeslodge.com.au
NULL STERN
Switzerland
Five stars? Try no stars (well, except those
above your head), and no walls for that matter.
The brainchild of twin concept artists Patrik
and Frank Riklin, the Null Stern is nothing
but a beautiful bed in the middle of the Swiss
wilderness. The original ‘Alpine Room’ sold
out quickly in 2017, but 25 more beds in secret
Swiss locations will crop up in 2018. Add your
name to the waiting list before it’s too late.
nullsternhotel.ch
JAM HOTEL
Belgium
When Jean-Michel André, the brains behind
Château de la Poste, Chelton and Le Berger
hotels, combined forces with architect Olivia
Gustot to transform the former Sint-Lucas
School of Architecture in Brussels, the result
was bound to be exceptional. Urban tones
abound, with exposed brick, concrete and
plywood throughout. The 78 rooms are topped
out with an attractive bar and lengthy rooftop
pool and terrace. There’s the 18-bed Giga dorm
(€18), Super singles (€49) and other private
rooms for groups ranging from two to six
people. jamhotel.be
@musemagazineau

Less to Luxe Bucket List
THE ROBEY THE SILL

USA UK
Like a thick slice of art deco pie, this wedge- Youth hostels are rarely gleaming, stylish
shaped hotel towers over an area of Chicago sculptures of glass and steel. And it’s not
that eats, drinks and breathes art and culture often one forms part of a unique ‘discovery
– namely the neighbourhoods of Wicker Park centre’. But at historic Hadrian’s Wall in
and Bucktown. The eclectic energy on the Northumberland, The Sill is replete with
streets carries right up to The Robey’s 13th- space for exhibitions, plays and music events.
floor lounge, which offers uninterrupted Rooms sleep two, three or four people, and
180-degree views of the city’s skyline. Late have access to a kitchen, chill zones, wi-fi and
check-outs, transport links aplenty and some of the starriest skies around. The whole
rooms from US$175...happy days (and nights). complex is powered by renewable energy. Beds
therobey.com (with breakfast) start from £21. yha.org.uk
Silo Hotel South Africa
SILO HOTEL
South Africa
Built within the lift tower of an old grain silo in Cape Town’s V&A
Waterfront, this incredible boutique hotel is as stunning as the views it
offers of Table Mountain. The Silo juxtaposes modernity with history,
featuring geodesic windows bulging out of the 1920s industrial concrete
exterior. And as the much-hyped Zeitz Museum of Contemporary Art
Africa (MOCAA) has opened downstairs, it just gets better. MOCAA’s
sculpture garden will be accessible from a weighbridge on the Silo’s sixth
JAM Hotel, Belgium floor. theroyalportfolio.com/the-silo

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What are some of the articles discussed in the magazine?

What are some of the articles discussed in the magazine?

What is the Null Stern hotel?

What is the Null Stern hotel?

I

“I feel sad for someone

AUST $9.95 Inc GST

56 NET WORTH: IS YOUR SELF-

4 | muse magazine | musemag.com.au

100 SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT [ REGULARS ]

108 CURVE APPEAL

68 One part washroom, one part day spa,

112 POWER AND PASSION

72 SEX FOR SALE

82 NO PLACE LIKE HOME

musemag.com.au | muse magazine | 5

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Think. Create. Become.

DIGITAL & ONLINE

Chief Executive Officer Silvio Morelli

ADMINISTRATION & CUSTOMER SERVICE

muse is on newsstands in: Australia New Zealand

8 | muse magazine | musemag.com.au

Australian Extra Virgin Olive Oil

The tendency to block MINDFuLNESS

wOMEN’S MENTAL HEALTH

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BODY IMAGE & EATING

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rage againSt with low activity in the brain region activated by

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sTaTus The skin

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THAT’S WHY I CHOOSE P’URE

TRULY NATURAL SKINCARE IN ITS P’UREST FORM

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Having long been

US actress and UNHCR

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“He earned that credit! We had had

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There is still much speculation as to

from ovarian cancer.

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conventional expectations of getting married

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“If you are tense, if you want to have

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“Once love becomes a possession,

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Love after Love…

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