Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Movies and televisions have

more negative influences than positive influences on young peoples behavior.

In our daily life, watching movies and televisions seems to be the most important
way for people to enjoy themselves in spare time, especially for young people. It
is widely agreed that movies and televisions can always attract young peoples
attention easily, thus some people may argue that children and the youth can be
influenced by movies and televisions negatively. However, I have the opposite Commented [c1]: Changed due to incorrect structure.
opinion and I am a big fan of these both educational and recreational facilities. Directly present the topic.

Commented [c2]: This is not how to present the topic

Some argue that movies and televisions have more harmful effects than favorable
sentence
effect on teenagers attitude. I completely disagree with this viewpoint.

To begin with, watching movies and televisions is one of the way for the youth to Commented [c3]: Unnecessary.
relax themselves. Most of the young men today are facing the with heavy pressure
Commented [c4]: Changed due to incorrect form of word.
from their schooling or work, therefore, they are in great demand for entertainment.
Meanwhile, the rapid development of technology meets this need, they bring us much
joy by showing dazzling videos and pictures. In this way, people can totally relax
and have fun. Commented [c5]: OFF TOPIC. Focus on the topic. Give more
benefits of watching movies and TV.
Furthermore, movies and televisions media provide us with numerous information which
Commented [c6]: Repetition.
help broaden young peoples horizon. Not only can will they know the newly issues
happened recently recent issues but also, they can get more video information in Commented [c7]: Changed due to incorrect form of word.

the field they of their interest, like astronomy, biology and so on. It is no doubt Commented [c8]: Changed due to incorrect structure.
that learning in this way can benefit the young people in a long run., I mean the
Commented [c9]: Changed due to incorrect form of word.
more they know the more choices they have. Therefore, we should not be that worried
at the mere mention of these technological devises but get best use of them. Commented [c10]: Repetition. Already mentioned above.
This is similar to help broaden young peoples horizon.

However, we have to accept that some movies or televisions can convey violent or
harmful information which can do harm to the youngteenagers, but can we figure out Commented [c11]: OFF TOPIC. Focus on the topic. Give
a way to limit them? Firstly, I think that government can take proper measure to more benefits of watching movies and TV.
supervise the production of movies or TV programs. Besides, in order not to let the
young people get addictive to such devices, their parents should limit the time they
Commented [c12]: This paragraph should be included in
watch. Moreover, choosing the movie for their children and enjoying with them can
first paragraph.
lead to a win-win situation.
Commented [c13]: Repetition

In conclusion, by providing educational and recreational functions, movies and Commented [c14]: OFF TOPIC. You oppose your opinion.
televisions have more positive influences on young people youth who watch movies Your ideas should concentrate on the advantages of movies
and televisions, so just enjoy it but not indulge in it. because [STATE THE REASONS and televisions to young peoples behavior.
MENTIONED IN THE BODY PARAGRAPH].
Commented [c15]: Unnecessary.

Commented [c16]: Repetition.

Commented [c17]: Changed due to incorrect structure.

1. Assessment
Score: 3

Used mix structures

Noted errors in Singular-Plural Agreement, conjunctions,
Grammar:
sentence meaning, auxiliary verbs, verb tense, articles

Used common and academic words

Vocabulary Noted errors in word form, choice of words and collocation
Noted repetition
Confusing flow of ideas
Structure: Did not use all the keywords or their synonyms

INTRODUCTION. The topic was not properly presented.

BODY PARAGRAPH: too wordy but mainly off topic. The
parts of the topic were not discussed and no clear reasons were
Content:
presented. A lot of details are irrelevant.
CONCLUSION: the opinion was restated but reasons were not
mentioned.
Conclusion: Overall, the essay did not address the requirements of the task
2. Tips for practicing writing

1. Practice timed writing before the day of the test.

2. Think quality, not quantity.
- Shorter, well-written responses are fine. Many of the responses
that receive scores of 4 or 5 are only one paragraph long. On the
other hand, many longer responses receive only a 2 or a 3. If you
use transitions and clear language, you can fit all of your reasons
and details into one smooth paragraph. That will really impress
your rater.
3. Learn some basic sentence patterns that you can use
comfortably.
- TOEFL raters look at your ability to make different types of
sentences. Create your own toolbox of different types of English
connectors, such as but, however, and although. Practice
writing sentences and use them in your TOEFL response. If you
only use simple short sentences, your response wont receive a
high score. You dont need to be a grammar expert, but you do
need to show sentence variety.
4. Learn the common types of TOEFL prompts.
5. Have (or Fake) an Opinion.
- Dont say that you dont have an opinion. This is an
argumentative essay. In many cultures, people dont express
their opinions directly but youve got to do it on the TOEFL
Independent Essay.
6. Brainstorm before you start your response.
7. Write a basic thesis statement.
-This is the first thing your rater will see, so you should make a
clear and grammatically-correct sentence that states the main
idea of your response.
8. Give specific reasons and details.
- Practice using experiences or facts from your general
knowledge to support your thesis statements.
9. Stay on topic.
-Unfortunately, you cant choose or change your topic. Write only
about the topic thats given to you by the exam.
10. Edit your response if you have time.
-Even native speakers make small mistakes in their writing, but if
we read our essays again we can find our mistakes. Try to save
the last 1-3 minutes for fixing your errors.

INTRODUCTION
-Introduce Topic
-Background Information
-Thesis Statement
**3-4 sentences

BODY
-Topic Sentence: Main Idea + Controlling Idea
- Supporting Details, Reasons, Examples
- Concluding Sentence

TOEFL/ACADEMIC ESSAY ELEMENTS

-Academic Vocabulary
-Little use of "BE" verbs: is, are, was, am, were: these are simple
and weak verbs
-Sentence Variety: Show the ability to start sentences in different
ways
-Sentence Patterns: Complex and compound sentences
-Synonym Language
-Spelling
-Grammar
-Coherence
-Unity
-Organization

I. Introduction
A. Very general statement about the world
B. Specify the topic
C. Optional: show the other side
D. Give your opinion
II. Body
A. State your first reason
1. Explain the reason if needed
2 .Give a concrete example or detail
3. Optional: Second example or detail
4. Explain why the example supports your opinion
B. State your second reason
1. Explain the reason if needed
2. Give a concrete example or detail
3. Optional second example or detail
4. Explain why the example supports your opinion
III. Conclusion
A. Restate main idea
B. Optional: Reference reasons or opposite opinion
C. Real-world result of your argument

STEPS ON CREATING A GOOD TOEFL ESSAY

1. Understand the Question: Do what is asked
2. Outline the Body
3. Start writing the Body
4. Introduction
5. Conclusion
6. Edit

LINKING WORDS
- LISTING: firstly, secondly, thirdly, fourthly, lastly, but not the
least, finally
- ADDING INFO: in addition, additionally, furthermore, moreover,
also, not only, but also, as well as, and
- GIVING EXAMPLES: for example, one clear example, for
instance, such as, namely, to illustrate, in other words
- RESULTS AND CONSEQUENCES: as a result, consequently,
therefore, thus, hence, so, for this reason
- HIGHLIGHTING AND STRESSING: particularly, in particular,
specifically, obviously, of course, clearly
- CONCESSIONS AND CONTRASTS: admittedly, however,
nevertheless, even though, although, but, despite, in spite of, still
on the other hand, by contrast, in comparison, alternatively,
another opinion could be
- REASONS AND CAUSES: because, owing to, due to, since,
as
- GIVING YOUR OPINION: in my opinion, I think, I believe, I
admit, in my view, I concur/agree, I disagree/I cannot accept
- CONCLUDING LINKERS: in conclusion, to conclude, to sum
up

PHRASES TO AVOID
1. This essay will discuss both sides and give an opinion at the
end.
o No main point and only repeats instruction; Just present
answer clearly
2. With the development of science and technology
o Overused and confusing if not about science and technology
3. In the modern era/Since the dawn of time/ Nowadays
o Overused; most questions are about current events
4. This highly controversial issue
o Most questions are not; be careful with highly debatable
(overused)
5. The crux of the discussion is
 o Overused; Use The most important aspect/ One of the key
issues
6. For example, a study from (source)
o Examples dont need to come from published/ known
researches
7. It can broaden a persons horizons
o Use learning more; opening their mind to something;
developing deeper understanding of something
8. There are good grounds to argue in favor of/ It can not be
denied that
o Overused; learned phrase (write naturally)
9. In a nutshell
o Informal, inappropriate
10. the aforementioned arguments offer insights into
vindications for the impression that
o Learned phrase

SENTENCE TYPES: One way to categorize sentences is by the clauses they contain. (A clause is a
part of a sentence containing a subject and a predicate.) Here are the 4 sentence types:
Simple: Contains a single, independent clause.
o I don't like dogs.
o Our school basketball team lost their last game of the season 75-68.
o The old hotel opposite the bus station in the center of the town is probably going to be knocked
down at the end of next year.
Compound: Contains two independent clauses that are joined by a coordinating
conjunction. (The most common coordinating conjunctions are: but, or, and, so.
Remember: boas.)
o I don't like dogs, and my sister doesn't like cats.
o You can write on paper, or you can use a computer.
o A tree fell onto the school roof in a storm, but none of the students was injured.
Complex: Contains an independent clause plus one or more dependent clauses. (A dependent
clause starts with a subordinating conjunction. Examples: that, because, while, although, where,
if.)
o I don't like dogs that bark at me when I go past.
o She did my homework, while her father cooked dinner.
o You can write on paper, although a computer is better if you want to correct mistakes easily.
Note: A dependent clause standing alone without an independent clause is called a fragment
sentence .
Compound-complex: Contains 3 or more clauses (of which at least two are independent and one
is dependent).
o I don't like dogs, and my sister doesn't like cats because they make her sneeze.
o You can write on paper, but using a computer is better as you can easily correct your mistakes.
o A tree fell onto the school roof in a storm, but none of the students was injured, although many
of them were in classrooms at the top of the building.
Advice: Writing that contains mostly short, simple sentences can be uninteresting or even
irritating to read. Writing that consists of mostly long, complex sentences are usually difficult to
read. Good writers, therefore, use a variety of sentence types. They also occasionally start
complex (or compound-complex) sentences with the dependent clause and not the independent
clause. In the following examples the dependent clause is shown in red:
Although it was raining, we decided to go fishing.
If it doesn't rain soon, the river will dry out.
Because the road was icy and the driver was going too fast, he was unable to brake in time when
a fox ran into the road in front of him.
Note: Sentences can also be categorized according to their function. [More]
Note: Independent clauses are also called main clauses. Dependent clauses are also
called subordinate clauses.
PROBLEMATIC 'SENTENCES': To write a correct sentence, you need to have a good understanding
of what a sentence is. Students who don't have this understanding, or don't take care, often
include problem sentences in their writing. There are three main types of problem sentence:
Run-on sentences: These are two sentences that the writer has not separated with an end
punctuation mark, or has not joined with a conjunction.
o I went to Paris in the vacation it is the most beautiful place I have ever visited.
o It's never too late to learn to swim you never know when you may fall from a boat.
o If you're going to the shops can you buy me some eggs and flour I want to make a cake.
o I like our new math teacher, she always explains the work very clearly.
o He was late to school again, his bus got caught in heavy traffic.
Advice: It is helpful to read your written work aloud. When you speak, you will make natural
pauses to mark the end of your sentences or clauses. If there is no corresponding end
punctuation mark in your writing, you can be almost certain that you have written a run-on
sentence.
Sentence fragments: Fragment sentences are unfinished sentences, i.e. they don't contain a
complete idea. A common fragment sentence in student writing is a dependent clause standing
alone without an independent clause. In the each of the following examples the fragment is the
second 'sentence', shown in red:
o I don't think I'm going to get a good grade. Because I didn't study.
o She got angry and shouted at the teacher. Which wasn't a very good idea.
o He watched TV for an hour and then went to bed. After falling asleep on the sofa.
o She got up and ran out of the library. Slamming the door behind her.
o I have to write a report on Albert Einstein. The famous scientist who left Europe to live in the
USA.
o After riding my bike without problems for over a year, the chain broke. 40 kilometers from my
house!
Advice: If your 'sentence' is a dependent clause, or it doesn't contain both a subject and a
predicate, then it is not a proper sentence. You can often detect fragments if you read your
writing backwards sentence by sentence, i.e. from the last sentence to the first one. You can
 usually correct a fragment by connecting it to the sentence before or after it.

Good writers, who have a full understanding of the sentence, occasionally choose to write a
sentence fragment. So you may see sentence fragments in the fiction or even some of the
non-fiction you read.
Rambling sentences: A rambling sentence is a sentence made up of many clauses, often
connected by a coordinating conjunction such as and, or, so.
o John usually gets up before 7 o'clock, but yesterday his alarm clock did not ring, so he was still
asleep when his boss called him at 10.30 to ask where he was and tell him that he would lose his
job if he was late again.
o Although the blue whale has been protected for over 30 years and its numbers are increasing,
especially in the North Pacific, where whale hunting has been banned, it is still at risk of
extinction as its habitat is being polluted by waste from oil tankers and its main food, the
plankton, is being killed off by harmful rays from the sun, which can penetrate the earth's
atmosphere because there is a huge hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica.
Advice: A rambling sentence is quite easy to spot. You have almost certainly written one if your
sentence contains more than 3 or 4 conjunctions. If you read the sentence aloud and run out of
breath before reaching the end of it, you have written a rambling sentence. If your sentence
stretches over many lines of writing, you have certainly written a rambling sentence and most
probably a run-on sentence too.
Unlike run-ons or fragments, rambling sentences are not wrong, but they are tiresome for the
reader and one of the signs of a poor writer. You should avoid them.
General advice: If you are not sure whether you have written a good, correct sentence, ask your
teacher! And remember: The more you read in English, the better a writer you will become. This
is because reading good writing provides you with models of English sentence structure that will
have a positive influence on your own written work.
Note: Good writing consists not only of a string of varied, correctly-structured sentences. The
sentences must also lead from one to the next so that the text is cohesive and the writer's ideas
are coherent.
3. Final version of the article

The changes you find here are only grammatical and mechanical. Any

change in content is for you to incorporate. Ideas set in bold (if any) are the

ones that need to be improved, developed or changed.

Teacher: MICHELLE
Date: 8.21.2017