AMP Sexual Power Transcripts

AMP Authentic Sexual Power
Authentic Man Program

presents
Authentic Sexual Power
1
Table of Contents
pg. 3Masculine Primal Freedom:

Clearing the 3 Major Blocks to your Sexual Power
pg. 19 Mastering the Spectrum of Intimacy:

The 3 Types of Sexual Relating
pg. 37.The Erotic Gaze:

Expressing Sexual Desire Without Want
pg. 52.Beyond the G-Spot:

Cutting-Edge Advanced Sexual Technique
pg. 69.Building Your Erotic Identity and Activating Your Sexual

Circuitry
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Authentic Sexual Power DVD #1
Masculine Primal Freedom

Clearing the 3 Major Blocks to your Sexual Power
with Bryan Bayer
Welcome. Before we jump in I want to get clear with you about why we created this
program in the first place. Its because I, and so many of the men that Ive worked
with have experienced the same challenge around relating with women, which is
specifically around having access to our sexual desire and our sexual power.
And by that I mean that we have ability to sexually express ourselves, be clear and
unapologetic and forthright about our attraction, to be able feel the intensity of
sensations in our body, and be able to enjoy the circuit of attraction that happens
from our body to her body and back again, as opposed to attraction just being an
intellectual idea.
The problem is when we dont have this sexual experience, when we dont have
these channels in our bodies open, what ends up happening is: women dont view
us, they dont trust us cos they cant tell where were coming from, even if were
intellectually attracted to them, they cant feel that, they cant feel us, so theyre not
sure why were putting attention on them. It also ends up putting us in the friends
category when we dont dont wanna be; I kept hearing that time and again: Ah,
you seem like more of a friend to me, or more like a brother, and I was just so sick
of hearing that, and I realized that this was part of my relationship to my own
sexuality that was creating this experience.
So, I know how it is to have the frustration and the irritation of continually being
related to as a non-sexual being and I know that the source of that comes back to
me not owning my own sexuality. It cut in the way of my ability to really have the
kind of rewarding relationships that I really wanted to have with women and it also
led to me not being able to maintain the spark with women in relationships that I
really wanted to be with.
So, it can screw you over, if you dont have access to this, it can screw you over
from the moment you walk up to a woman, whether theres that charge of attraction,
from, as youre interacting with her youre creeping her out, if you dont have that
sexual access available to you. All the way into, when youre making a move, or
looking to escalate the interaction, its gonna feel weird and choppy, if you dont
allow your sexual desire to actually carry you through the interaction, and when it is
open, its completely natural.
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And finally, without access to your sexual desire, and your sexual power, it creates
problems in your relationships long-term, because shes not getting that force, that
energy, that particular flavor of masculine command that she longs for, and so shes
gonna get bored or look to get that need met elsewhere, and the relationship is
gonna fall apart if youre not claiming that part of yourself.
So, thats why I created this program. And what youre gonna get in this program is
a series of very applicable, practical steps that you can take to completely transform
your interactions with women, and in particular your relationship to your own
sexuality, your own sexual expression, your own sexual desire, and how were gonna
do that is, Im gonna teach you personally what Ive learned from my own personal
experience. And then were gonna be leveraging the wisdom of five of the top
experts that I know, and Ive done a lot of research on this topic, five experts from
five very different domains that will be able to address each of these dimensions with
you as well, and offer their perspective and their insight and their practices that
made a difference for them, and the people that they worked with.
What this will make possible for you as you watch each of these DVDs and listen to
the audio, and do the exercises, I really urge you to take this on, make a real
commitment to yourself to explore and practice this. I want this to be the beginning
of a turning point to you taking charge of your sexual power and your sexual desire
in your life, so that you can transform your relationships both to yourself and to the
women in your life.
So, I want you to watch these DVDs, I want you to listen to the audio, and I want
you to engage in these practices and use the structures that weve set up to support
you, because these will make a difference for you.
By the time youve gone through this program and actually taken on these practices,
what its gonna make possible for you, may be beyond what you could even imagine
right now. I know thats how it was for me; like, I couldnt even comprehend some of
the experiences that Im now having in my life, on an ongoing day-to-day basis.
Like, it will blow your world open whats possible, and hopefully some of what we
share with you in these DVDs and in this audio program is going to blow your world
open about whats possible, because often times thats what it takes to realize that
youre missing out; and you could be having such a richer, more rewarding
experience.
So, congratulations on an excellent purchase, I know youre gonna get a ton out of
it, and Ive really enjoyed putting this together for you, and excited about whats
possible for you. In fact, I really want to hear from you about what your experience
has been from this program, after you have watched it and gone through the
program. So, drop me a line at some point, because I want to know how your
journey is. And it hasnt ended just because weve delivered this program to you. I
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want to support you in an ongoing enquiry into your sexual power, your own sexual
desire, both with yourself, and as it relates with women. Thanks for being here.
Alright. So, lets jump in. Im going to cover for you the top three arenas where we
hold back from our sexual desire and our sexual expression and our sexual power.
These three arenas are what would have us not naturally be expressing our desire
and our power and our expression in the world already. Because, a lot of times, you
know, some people would say that you need to learn all these new things, you need
to learn sexual techniques, you need to learn all this stuff, and add stuff on. But
what Ive found is that the path of authenticity, and the path of really embodying
this work is more of a shedding, its a more of a dropping away, and a more of a
peeling away of the things that are getting in the way, rather than lumping and
dumping a bunch of stuff on.
So Im gonna be showing you the stuff thats in the way, so that you can highlight
that, and start relaxing out of the places where youre tight, relaxing out of the
places where youre contracted or holding tension, because what will fill up the
spaces where youre holding tight, is your natural desire, your natural turn-on, your
natural sexual expression.
Well the three arenas, first of all are the Physical, Emotional, and Interpersonal.
In the Physical arena, sometimes through holding of tension in our bodies, whether
the roots were emotional or otherwise, maybe just how we hold our bodies
throughout the day, habits develop and we start to constrict. Like, if youre hunched
over the computer all day, typing, and youve got bad posture, its gonna be tough
for you to straighten your shoulders, its gonna be tough for you to stand tall, youre
gonna be hunched, like this, and so it takes time to retrain those habits, and what
Im gonna be teaching you right now, are some practises you can do to help open up
the channels in your body. Consider that your body is almost like a straw, that
energy, or sexual energy, or desire, turn-on, moves through. And the places where
were tight, or contracted, is where we kink off, and block that energy, like a hose
getting kinked, and its gonna stop that flow. And what that results in is women dont
feel us, we have no sexual control in the bedroom, or we just arent able to create
turn-on, or attraction, with women naturally.
What Im gonna show you first is a practice from the east that has been used by
taoists, and other eastern practitioners, to help bring awareness into the body. And,
one of the best ways to bring awareness into the body, some people use meditation,
but a lot of times you know, if youre just starting meditation its tough to really feel
whats going on in your body. Its like, OK, Im noticing my breath going in and out
of my body, barely, but the best way to get really close and present, and up close
with your sensations is to have gross sensation, or really obvious sensation.
So, this first exercise Im gonna share with you, Id like for you to follow along at
home, so if youre sitting down, go ahead and stand up, this is gonna activate your
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body, and your neurology, so that you can really take in the information that Im
sharing with you in the rest of this program. In fact, this exercise that Im about to
show you right now, is something you should do before you listen to any of these
recordings, because it will activate your sensors, your sensory perceptions to wake
up and pay attention.
And, youll actually integrate this information, more fully, if you do the exercise Im
about to show you before you take in any information.
This first exercise is called the chi-packing exercise. Chi-packing. Now chi is an
eastern term, also known as ki, or prana, it comes from the east, from India, or
China, depending on what term youre talking about, but what it means is life
energy.
And, so what it is in this practice, is to bring life energy into your body. And youre
doing this in a very obvious way, by slapping yourself, basically. And how youre
going to do it, is youre gonna start by bringing a steady rhythm and youre gonna be
packing in energy. Its like youre taking energy from the air, or from the space
around you, and bringing in into the body.
Now this you could look at this on an energetic, woowoo, spiritual level, which I
actually have a lot of belief and direct experience in, but if that doesnt work for you,
you can also consider this on the gross level of sensation. Like Im activating the
sensory receptors in my body. So, Im just gonna demonstrate this with you. Im
gonna do one round and then I want you to follow along with me on the second
round. Okay? So heres the chi-packing exercise (begins slapping belly). You start by
packing it into your belly. This is actually where you retain most of your energy when
youre not using it- then you bring it down the sides- the outsides of your body,
(does so) packing it in, doing your toes and your feet, and then working up the
insides, and then back to your belly, and then back down the sides. And then down
the backyoure doing up and down your side, and then down- youre packing it in-
down to your pinky, and then down the inside channel of your body, down the inside
of your channel of your body again, and then one more time- and then the other
side- just becoming aware of the sensations in your body the whole way through.
This is waking up all the nerves in your body. Then bring the energy back down to
your belly (takes a deep breath).
Like, right now I feel more alive than I have in hours. My mind is relaxed and soft, I
feel more centered in my body, and what becomes immediately aware is places that
Im holding tension in my body, which I wasnt even aware of before. So Im
practicing relaxing those places. I notice for me that I actually hold tension in my
balls. So Im relaxing that open, softening, softening my eyes. I notice my eyes
sounds fuller and deeper from this place, and now Im bringing awareness into my
back body- into my back, into my spine. (Breathes) Im softening into my breathing
more. I feel more here right now. I feel more alive. Like if I walked into a bar, if I
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walked into a social situation, or I picked up a girl up from a date from this place, it
would be a very different interaction than before I did this exercise.
Alright, so this time were gonna do it together. So go ahead, stand up from the
couch or wherever youre listening to this from. Go ahead and stand up now, and
were gonna go through this together. Were gonna start with your belly. Packing the
chi in, taking energy from outside and bringing it in. Hitting your sides- down the
outside of the body- feet, ankles, thighs, belly. Back down. Then up inside of the
body, back to the belly- back down again, bringing awareness to the sensations in
your body- notice your body starting to wake up right now. And then start up on the
side, up and down the side of your body, all the way out, the outside of the arm, and
then the inside channel of the body- all the way down, back up, and now become
aware of the sensations in your body, right? Again. Three times each. The other side.
Youre waking your body up. Youre activating it, making it alive, saying, hey pay
attention! youre waking it up, and packing energy in with each pat. And then bring
it back down to the belly. Now this is another key that you can bring to really amp
this up, is to bring sound to it. When you bring sound to what youre expressing, it
fills the space. It fills the room, and this has a huge impact on how you relate with
women. If youre taking up the space around you, that makes a big difference. So
with each pat of the belly, once youre done, bring a voice to it, make a sound to it-
Huh! (repeats)
It may look weird, or strange, but get used to this; this is gonna activate your body
and change what your normal way of sleepwalking through your life is, like if you
look at me, I probably look a lot more alive than I did when I first started. I feel way
more alive. I feel more connected to my primal side, to my masculine, my animal
side, and thats what women are gonna respond to with you. I feel more access to
myself as a sexual desired, sexual being, as just a virile, alive creature. Check in
with yourself right now- how do you feel? What are you noticing thats different in
your body right now? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much more alive do you feel than
when you started? Take a deep breath, and let all the sensations that you just felt
settle down. Bring awareness to your back body, your spine. And know that you can
move through the world from this place, and its gonna feel more alive, its gonna
feel more awake. And that is the chi-packing exercise.
Alright, so that was the chi-packing exercise. That is huge if you wanna use that
before you go out on a date, before you walk into a party, before you go out to a
bar, any social situation you wanna go into- thats a powerful exercise and thats
gonna wake you up. You can do that with your buddies, do that with your friends,
the guys who graduate from AMP, they do that all the time to bring themselves more
alive, more awake, more here. Now Im going to be going into several more body
practices with Destin Gerek, the erotic rock star, and he is on one of the other DVDs
thats also included in this program. So hes got at least three other exercises that
you can do to open up the channels in your body, including a particular yoga pose
that will open up the sexual channels in your body, a way of dancing that will open
that up, and an ancient Taoist energy circulation practice called the microcosmic
orbit, so be sure to check out that DVD for more on that.
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So were gonna move into the second type of ways that we shut down from our
sexual attraction and desire, and that is emotionally. Now Im gonna talk about two
different types of emotional shut-down that we have around our sexual desire- the
two main ones are: number one is anger. A lot of times, we have suppressed our
anger as men, weve shut it down, pushed it down, blocked it away, and it prevents
us, specifically our anger towards women, prevents us from actually feeling sexual
attraction with them. For example, growing up, I resented that women had power
over me. Because I felt that they had power over me because I was attracted to
them, because I had desire for them, and I didnt want them to know that they had
power over me, so I would shut down, and suppress that desire so that I could
maintain control. And at the same time, I resented them for having that power over
me, for having that control, especially because I didnt have a clue how to have them
reciprocate that. And part of that was the problem or the fact that I didnt own my
desire for them in the first place. So it was a self-perpetuating cycle of, Im not
gonna let myself be attracted to you, so youre not gonna feel attracted to me, and
Im gonna resent you and be angry at you because you have that power over me,
and its gonna perpetuate the cycle. So that may be what resonates for you. Theres
other ways that we have, if it was a relationship with our mom where she was
domineering or controlling, we oftentimes will get angry and suppress that anger,
and this is anger towards women, and until you clear that out, until you resolve that,
either through therapy or NLP or coming in to do an AMP intensive where that gets
brought up to the surface and cleared, its gonna continue to run your life, and you
need to be able to deal with that, you need to be honest with yourself if thats whats
true for you, if youre harboring anger or resentment towards women, you need to
get that shit handled, okay? So make sure to put some attention on that, do what it
takes, talk to a therapist, get it handled. And this isnt the exact place for that, but
bookmark it if anger comes up for you consistently in your interactions with women,
chances are theres something there for you and its worth investigating.
The second emotional way we shut down around our sexual desire and our sexual
power with women is shame. Now I go into this in the multiple CD audio program,
that one-day training that I did, but I wanna just summarize a part of it with you and
shame is inherent in so many of our lives and in our neurology, in our unconscious
minds as it relates to sex and our sexuality.
Now heres a quick thought experiment to discover whether you have shame around
sex. Imagine that youre at a pool party, just hanging out, talking with your friends,
and some jackass just comes up and like, pulls your pants down around your ankles.
And there you are, your dick hangin out, and everyone can see, and youre just, like,
standing around, and youre completely exposed. Just take that on. Consider for
yourself: what is your response in that situation? Do you suddenly want to cover up?
Do you get contracted and scared? Or are you just like, wow! this just happened,
and Im exposed now? Are you unapologetic around your sexuality, your sex
organs? Thats one simple way to just know- as a thought experiment- how would
you respond? Thats a sign of whether you have shame around your sexuality.
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Another one is: Imagine youre jacking off, youre masturbating in your room and
someone busts open the door right in there on you, and what is your response in
that situation? Do you just wave and say, hey! hows it going? actually I was having
a private moment, as you calmly invite them to come back another time? Or do you
tense up and try to hide or protect yourself or feel shamed or guilty or smaller? Do
you contract? Do you get tight in your body? Just imagine that for a moment that
that happened. Theres nothing inherently wrong with what youre doing, yet theres
shame thats built in regardless. And this is a good sign that theres an opportunity
for you to handle that going forward. And were gonna have some practices and
some structures for you to address some of that. But the first step in overcoming
either shame or anger is awareness. First of all, get aware of it, and get honest with
yourself about whether this is something thats in the way for you.
Some of the emotional components to shame surface or are created from events that
have happened to us in our past. They might have been a place where we were
ashamed as a kid because we were caught looking at our dads porno collection or
we were playing doctor with someone or, you know, the girl next door. I know that
theres a lot of things that maybe we have memories about that were ashamed
about that nobody caught us in, but we started to question our own sexuality or
question things about ourselves. Like, for example, I used to play Wonder Woman
with the kid up the street. And this was totally homoerotic play, like, we were 6 or 7
years old but, we were dry-humping each other with clothes on. I mean, we didnt
know what we were doing, we knew that probably if mom and dad walked in, they
would not like it, but it felt good to us, and what I realized later was, woah, that was
kind of intense- am I gay, or is that just what little kids do some times, and I found
out that 40% of children, including boys, engage in some form of homoerotic play
when theyre kids, and it actually has no relationship to their sexual orientation
growing up, not that it would be that big a problem if I was gay- as it turns out, Im
pretty straight, Im pretty damn straight, but the fact of the matter is if I had
imprinted that experience in my past in some ways, like that was wrong or bad or
somebody had walked in, that could create a total imprint in my childhood mind that
thats wrong and dirty and not okay, shameful to be expressive in my sexuality. So,
no matter what sexual experience you had in the past, and this may be intense
things for you, there may be experiences of incest or rape or all kinds of intense
things that might have happened to you in the past, again, you wanna get those
handled until youve cleared the charge around it, until youre not ashamed to talk
about it. Im telling you a pretty personal thing that happened to me, but I dont
have any charge around it, cause it doesnt have any power over me. Until you can
talk this unapologetically about your sexual experiences from the past, they own you
like a little bitch. They own you. So deal with them, bring them out into the light,
shame cannot live in the darkness, so drag them out into the light, talk to a friend,
talk to a therapist about it until youre comfortable with- yep, that happened. I got
raped. or I had incest happen to me. Until the charge around it, or the fear around it
being what just happened, rather than it being something really charged for you,
when that charge is cleared, it releases its hold. And the way to do that is to share it
in a safe place where that can be really received and gotten. And thats the
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beginning of it, you may have other processing to do around it, its hard to say
where it goes, I cant diagnose this or work with you over this DVD program. But I
can tell you get it handled, because its gonna own you until you do.
The final thing Ill add around emotional blocks is a lot of guys have in their mind,
man, my desires are way too kinky for most women. they cant handle the kind of
kinky, weird shit that Im into. And Ill tell you what: women are a lot kinkier than
you think. They are willing to try more stuff than I usually am, and its only when we
create a space for us to be unapologetic about our desires that they often are willing
to open up. And the fact of the matter is thats what makes thing spicy is your own
kinks and the habitual, the little imprints that created for you what turns you on are
what makes for a spicy sex life later. And if you ask women about this, they will
agree with me. They will tell you that its nice to have a guy who wants her to dress
up in a little schoolgirl outfit sometimes. Or wants a particular flavor of sexual
experience. It makes things more alive. So dont undercut your own desires and your
own kinky, weird fetishes. Thats part of who you are, and its part of what you bring
to the table as a sexual being.
Those are the two styles of emotional blockage around sexual desire and your sexual
power that I referred to. Both anger and shame.
Now Im gonna go into the third way we shut down in our sexual desire and our
sexual power, and that is interpersonally, or relationally. And this is when youre
already in an interaction with a woman, when youre already in a relationship with a
woman, theres three primary ways inside of this interpersonal style of shut-down
that will kill attraction, that will kill the connection, that will kill your sexual desire,
and Im gonna go into those right now.
So the first of these is withheld communications. Now withheld communications are

things like, if you're in an intimate relationship with a woman- and this is something
from my own experience- I was with a woman for three years, and from time to
time, the sexual attraction would be really strong with us, and wed wanna fuck all
the time, and there were times where it would just die away for weeks at a time, and
what I found was that usually when it died away- you know, theres a natural ebb
and flow to relationships that Ive found, but, in these situations, a lot of times, it
might be two weeks that we wouldnt have sex, and it would be like, what is going
on here? and it was like the elephant in the room that nobody wanted to talk about,
but when I would eventually just stop and be like, hey, lets check in- whats going
on? Is there anything thats going on, or anything thats been pulling at your
attention that youre holding back from sharing with me? And what would come up
would be, shed say things like, well, you know when I got sick, and I was really sick
and I wanted someone to take care of me- you took care of me that one day nicely,
but the second day you went into work, and I felt like you just really werent there
for me, and I felt like, oh, Im gonna have to take care of myself, Im gonna have to
protect myself, and it really had a major impact on me, it had me not feel like I could
really let go and know that you were gonna take care of me. And when I heard that,
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and really got her experience about it, suddenly she felt seen, and she felt gotten
and received, and what happened was, the places where there hadnt been any turn-
on or attraction, suddenly Im like, wow, I had no idea thats how it was for you, I
can see how you felt that way. And suddenly, when we re-connect, up comes the
sexual attraction again, suddenly we cant get away from each other, we just wanna
tear each others clothes off, and this is like you know, when they have break-ups,
the best sex is make-up sex, after a break-up or a fight, that make-up sex they talk
about is some of the most rewarding, erotic, hot sex because its coming after a
withheld communication or withheld emotions suddenly get shared or released and
now theres connection again.
So thats one way you can really shut down the sexual desire and the turn-on and
your sexual power in your relationship is when you withhold a communication from
someone, and if this is something that you have in the back of your mind, well I
cant share this with her or shes gonna be upset or Im terrified to let her know Im
thinking or feeling this, thats the stuff thats killing your relationship, thats the stuff
thats killing your interactions with women, and until you can be unapologetically
forthright about whats true for you, and be like, look, this is whats true for me. it
feels really scary to share this with you, and heres my experience. Or, heres what
Ive been experiencing or heres what Ive been thinking and feeling, that is the
access to more intimacy or more connection and oftentimes more attraction, more
sexual clarity. Not always. Sometimes if youre oversharing- it doesnt mean you
share everything thats on your mind, but if theres something thats really pulling
your attention away from her, from really being able to be with her in the moment,
dude, youre gonna need to bring that to your interactions or else its just not gonna
flow for you, ultimately. So thats number one. Withheld communications.
So Garrison just, off-camera, told me three major points that are really key for this,
that hes gonna supplement. So, come on in- hes gonna break it down for you.
Garrison: Hey guys. So, as Bryan was talking, I had three things that I wanted to
share with you, that I think will really clarify and make a difference for a lot of you.
The first thing is, what were talking about here, about clearing out withholds, its an
integrity piece. Meaning, if you dont have much experience with really owning your
truth, speaking your truth, being able to say straight up, listen, heres whats true
for me, in the sense of delivering withholds, one thing thats gonna help you a lot is
in the Foundations of Inner Game package, one of the foundations is integrity. And in
that- its called, Integrity. The Power of Integrity: Inspiring Her Trust. And thats
gonna give you a lot of information to really be able to deliver your truth. So if thats
not something youre used to, thats a tool thats gonna make a really big difference
for you. Secondly- now for some of you, there may be withholds in your relationships
that youre gonna need to clean up, that youre gonna want to clean up, so that the
sexual energy can flow, because every time you have a withhold, it literally covers
up the sexual energy. Now for some of you who have been in relationships for
awhile, you may have months or years of withholds that youre gonna need to clean
up. That means youve got a big pile of withholds, and underneath that- that big pile
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is on top of the sexual energy. Imagine it like plumbing or pipes, the more clogged
up the pipes are with withholds, the more that sexual energy just gets stuck. So
going and clearing out those withholds allows the sexual energy to really flow so that
you can be in a relationship that really brings you joy. And yea, it does mean
speaking your truth.
One of the ways I look at that, is imagine a Pez dispenser. If you dont know what a
Pez dispenser is, just get on Google, look up Pez dispenser, youll catch up real
quick. Every time you put one of those little Pez candies in, imagine its like, having a
new withhold, so every time you put a piece of Pez in, it condenses it. Then you put
another piece of Pez in, it condenses it- another one, condenses it- another one,
condenses it- another one, condenses it. Until youve got all these layers of
withholds. So the process of going through those withholds, and one at a time,
taking out the Pez, moves up- taking out the Pez, moves up- taking out the Pez,
moves up. Until youre back on the surface again. And when you get back on the
surface? All that there is- sexual attraction, sexual chemistry naturally arises.
Heres the last piece I wanted to share with you: Bryan mentioned earlier that there
was a time when he wouldnt have sex with his girlfriend for almost two weeks- oh
my gosh! There are some of you out there who are probably saying, I wish I had
sex every two weeks! So keep in mind this applies to everyone, off the gamut. You
may not have had sex in months or even years, and whats probably holding all of
that back, is all those withholds. So just this one concept by itself can be an
incredibly, incredibly powerful piece to getting all that stuff out of the way, so sexual
attraction and chemistry and connection can naturally arise. Thanks.
Bryan: Alright. So Garrison put a nail in the coffin on delivering withheld

communications.
The second way that we can crimp off the sexual desire thats inherently arising in
our interpersonal relationships is if theres broken trust. If youve broken an
agreement with a woman, or youve done something that has broken the trust with
her, I can tell you from my own personal experience, cause Ive completely fucked
up relationships by not being trustable in that way, by breaking agreements that Ive
explicitly agreed to, that can erode the trust as well. And what Ive found is that the
way through that is- similar to withholds- is if this is the situation thats happened to
you, the only way through that is to fully and completely get, 100%, what it was like
for her to experience that break in trust. To be able to feel that pain with her, to feel
wherever there was a violation of a boundary of hers, to really go on the ride with
her, and get from her, have her share with you exactly what it was that she went
through, and to feel, as fully as possible with her what she experienced. Because the
bottom line is shes not gonna be able to trust you until, and unless, you got the
impact of your actions. Not to say that you should feel bad about yourself, or that
you were wrong, or that youre a bad person, or that you should be ashamed of
yourself, its none of that stuff. Its just to really get, oh wow, when I did this, it had
this kind of impact on the woman, or the person that I love so deeply. And I can feel
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the pain in my heart and that I created this experience for this person. Not that I
created it because we all are responsible for our own experience, but on another
level, I broke the trust, and I broke the understanding with me and this woman.
Now, Ive had it where Ive been in relationship with a woman and I broke her trust,
and it was three months of her not trusting me, and at some point, I was laying
awake in bed one night, and I just went through the experience of what it was like to
be her, and I just started sobbing. Like, it completely tore me open to really get her
experience and what it was like for her. She opened up such a tender place in
herself, and I basically, completely violated that, and I just got what a breach that
was, and I immediately was filled with such sadness, and such sorrow and pain that I
hadnt let myself feel- that Id blocked off. And when I let myself feel that, I was in
tears, sobbing. And this woman had not opened up to me for three months, and
when I called her- I just called her at three in the morning, and just left a message
on her voicemail, like, in tears, I am sorry, Im so sorry that I did this. Just deeply
apologetic, like from my heart, I really expressed how sorry I was and how hard that
must have been for her. And the next day we got back together, and the sex was on,
and the attraction was on, and it was like, our hearts were so open to each other,
and our bodies were so open to each other, it was literally the best sex I have ever
had in my entire life was after that. And it was because I had broken trust, and I had
not cleaned it up, I had not repaired the riff there, by really getting her experience,
getting her world, so she could realize that this was someone she could relax back
into again. Cause she knows that if I felt it that deeply, that I would never do that
again.
So some guys might say, dude, you called your girlfriend sobbing, apologizing for
how you were, thats such wussy behavior. Well, this is different. Theyre confusing
collapsing with just allowing myself to be impacted. Now I was fully in my integrity, I
was fully clear, and in my power, even as I called her, even as I was sobbing, just
from a place of, look, Im not calling cause Im guilty or Im wrong, or Im bad, Im
calling and expressing this from a place of Ive allowed myself to feel impacted by
the way my actions have impacted you. Im willing, and Im allowing myself to feel
what it was that you were feeling as a result of the actions that I took, and Im
letting myself go there with you, and Im feeling that with you, and this is the
experience that Im having. Its not about, im guilty, I was a bad person, thats
wussy, collapse, bullshit. This is from a place of integrity, and I hope you can see the
difference.
Now Garrison also has this experience in his relationship, so Garrison, go ahead and
tell us what your experience has been.
Garrison: You know, what I find with my girlfriend, therell be times where well get
into an argument or therell be an upset, as you know, inevitably happens in
relationships. And when Im at my best, what I find myself doing is getting to a place
of like, oh wait a sec, hold on, I see whats missing here. Im gonna take Garrison
and Garrisons ego, and just put it to the side, and allow myself to really get, what is
it like to be you right now? How must this feel for you? Hold on, let me actually try
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this on. Wow. Well, if I was you right now, this is what Id be feeling. And yea, I
would be upset because my perception is this- that Garrison is being this way with
me. So it makes total sense to me, that you would feel this way. I feel sad, or I feel
kind of a little betrayed, or annoyed. Thats how it feels right now to be you. And
then I would ask her, Is that right? Is that your experience?
And when I go through that process, and she actually gets that I totally get what its
like to be her, then all of this feminine rage and raar! and upset and closed-
downness completely opens up, because theres nothing for her to be defensive
against or mistrustful against or suspicious against. Because Im totally in her
experience with her. And as soon as I do that, she completely opens up, and when
she does, and she gets that I get it, and I get that I get it, and we feel closer, then I
can say, So, I wanna share with you my experience now. And then, when I share
with her my experience, she always gets my experience, and its very very quickly
that we come to a resolution and we find ourselves better than wed started.
Because Id gone through that process. Heres Bryan.
Bryan: And from that process, trust gets restored. Its the only way that Ive found
for trust to truly be restored, and actually, the bond- the break thats created and
the bond thats sewn back together actually makes it stronger than it was before we
started. So thats the second way of killing interpersonal attraction and turn-on with
women and cutting off from your sexual desires by eroding trust. The first was
withheld communications.
So the final of the three types of ways that you can be cutting off from your sexual
desire, your sexual power in the relational realm, is to confuse polarity with
resonance. Weve been talking in these last two practices of withheld
communications and no trust, about building a resonance, about building on the
same page together. Sharing with each other, being connected, but what happens a
lot of times is if youre having too much resonance with a woman, and by resonance,
I mean you do everything together, like, we clean together! we cook together! we
go to the grocery store together, we do everything together and were so connected
all the time, you become like brother and sister or best friends, and you never take
time out, and what ends up happening is you get all merged together and your
identities are not separate and apart from each other, and youve fallen into these
roles of boyfriend/girlfriend or sugar daddy and sugar daddy recipient, whatever it is,
theres these little co-dependent relationships that we get into, and what that does is
that will kill kill kill attraction. What you need, if you want to maintain attraction and
polarity, and by polarity, I mean where theres a positive and a negative pole and
theyre drawn together in that primal, sexual way, is you need to be able to retain
some level of separateness- yes, togetherness, yes, feeling affinity, and intimacy,
and I get your world and you get my world, but at times- so if you think of
resonance as this wave thats going like this (gesture of wave moving up and down)
thats a nice affinity feeling, a resonance feeling, an intimate feeling. But if you want
to create polarity, where its like, come here, I want you! Like, a ferocious
fierceness, where theres penetration and ravishment, then the wave, instead of
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going like this (wave gesture) its more like this, (gesture of alternating waves) like
when I go down, you go up, so were polarizing each other. And that it was creates
that electric crackle of attraction between the two of you, where you wanna throw
her up against the wall and fuck her brains out. And this is something thats actually
really vital to relationships. If you dont have this, shes gonna get bored, shes
gonna lose interest, and shes gonna go where she can get her brains fucked out
from time to time, because thats a flavor that most women crave. Its a flavor that
women long to have at times. Its not the entire cake, but its a flavor, and if you
cant bring that- and thats part of what this whole program is about, you being able
to have access to all the colors on the palette of your sexual expression. it might be
soft, intimate love-making one time, but sometimes, she wants to get fucked! Thats
just how it is. And that requires polarity. And one of the ways that you kill polarity is
through doing everything together, and not taking time apart. To be with your boys,
to be on purpose, and go out and kick ass in the world, to make money and do
things that have you giving your deepest gifts to the world. Or it can be caused by
dropping into roles, like, Im boyfriend, youre girlfriend, Im husband and youre
wife, and we do these husband and wife things- we hide behind these roles and
these roles over time, they lose their juice. These identities that we take on, theyre
not really us, and so theyre dead. Theyre like static, stagnant boxes that were
relating inside of, and they dont have any juice anymore because they dont move.
If we wanna keep things alive, then they have to change. You know, if a river doesnt
flow, then it just goes into a pond, where theres nothing in it, like the Dead Sea, for
example, nothing lives in the Dead Sea. You wanna know why? Because theres no
outlets that go out of it. Everything just dumps into it, and then it stays there. And
so things are dead. And if you want your relationship to be dead, make it the same.
But if you want there to be dynamism, you need to take time apart, and then you
need to take time together. Energetically, or physically, you want to shift your
attention away from her, start putting on you cultivating your life and your identity
separate from her. Just let go of that merging feeling where youre completely joined
at the hip all the time, cause thats gonna kill the polarity and the attraction between
the two of you. If you think of her as your wife or your girlfriend most of the time,
and you just dont have a sexual charge, and you dont feel access to your sexual
desire with her, stop thinking about her in that role, and start remembering-
disconnecting from that identity and start connecting to, theres some chick in my
house, and shes fucking hot, and shes got a pussy, and I want to fuck her! Like,
you get in touch with that aspect of relaxing her out of who she is for you and taking
a perspective from a different perspective of, this is some girl in my house! Its a
way of disconnecting and unhooking from dynamics where theres a fixed set of ways
of being.
So, in summary, polarity vs. resonance. You wanna have a balance of both in your
relationship, and if you want more resonance, start doing things together more, start
communicating more, start doing some of the practices of clearing withholds, that
kind of thing- thats gonna bring more resonance. If you want more polarity, start
taking time off. Allow the distance between you to create a magnetism that can draw
15
you together more powerfully, and if youre in roles that have lost their juice, let
them go, and be open to re-experiencing your partner in a new way.
Those are the three major blocks to accessing your sexual power and your sexual
desire are Physical, Emotional, and Interpersonal. I invite you to consider which of
those three are your biggest challenge and start putting attention on that.
Now before I wrap up, Im gonna give you two more practices that will support you
in accessing your sexual desire and your sexual power. Especially for those of you
who are single, listen up, because this is an excellent practice that Ive been doing
for some time now, and its been massively useful for me to access more of my
sexual desire and my sexual power, as a single man.
This practice, that Im about to tell you is when youre going out on a date, and
actually this is great when youre in a relationship as well, but the idea is that a lot of
times, guys will go out on a date and itll be like, nice and friendly and playful, etc.
and then, when it comes time to- theyre over at your house, suddenly when its
time to be sexual, its something I have to turn on, like, oh! time to be sexual! its
time for me to make a move! And its awkward and weird, because I havent been
interacting with her as a sexual creature up until then. So its jarring and weird, and
it feels awkward, and shes gonna feel awkward. And it feels forced to take it further,
even if thats what you both might have normally wanted. The problem with that is
that it can ruin a good night, it can kill off attraction that you might normally have
had, it can kill off rewarding sexual experiences, and shes gonna go home
disappointed and frustrated that you didnt bring that sexual direction.
So heres the solution- is you can consider that the day you wake up, the day of your
date, you imagine that youre having sex already. The day you wake up for your
date. So as youre going through your day, youre going through your day as if you
were having sex with her already. So by the time youre walking out the door, and
youre shutting the door to go out to your car to pick her up or whatever place youre
meeting her at, youre walking and relating as if youre already having sex. What
thats gonna do is when you see her, even the vibe you put off as youre talking to
her on the phone, youre talking to her as if youre already having sex, youre
sending text messages to her as if youre already having sex. It creates a context of
sexuality and sensuality that youre gonna naturally bring into the interaction so that
its a very smooth and natural progression when you finally end up becoming
actually physical. Its like the sexuality and the seduction, has been happening from
the moment you woke up that morning. Its a natural escalation, its a natural
movement towards being sexual, if thats where your desire is taking you. You might
even start that the moment she agrees to go out on a date with you. Suddenly,
youre having sex with her, and youre just relating to her in the world- thats gonna
change the way you look at her, its gonna change the tonality in your voice, its
gonna change the words that you say, its gonna change every way you relate to her
if you imagine that youre already having sex from that moment.
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Garrison asked me off-camera just now, well what if guys havent had much
experience having sex, how do they map this over? You know, intuitively, if youre
talking to a woman, if youre in bed with her, even if you havent had that much sex,
you know, its not gonna be like, if you talk to her, youre talking to a woman in bed
while youre having sex with her like, hey baby! hows it going? how you doing down
there? Youre not gonna be talking to her how you would in another context, you
would be more gentle in your tonality, you might be more slow in the way you speak
with her, your tonality is gonna be different. Where you speak from in your body
may be different. I think you understand what Im talking about, because even just
modeling it now, you can see that the way Im communicating right now, is different
than if I was ordering a cheeseburger.
One final piece about what makes this practice so valuable, about how imagining
that were already having sex, is number one, it opens the doors and gives me
permission to have access to my sexual desire and my sexual turn-on, because if
shes already made herself available to me in that way, then theres nothing at
stake, theres nothing to be rejected. Were already in this interplay, weve already
had this sexual and energetic exchange. And on her side, the difference that it
makes is shes relating, shes feeling in her body, wow, this guys relating to me as if
weve already been sexual, and she will tend to follow whatever frame you set,
whatever direction you set, shell tend to relax into that. So youre relaxing into your
body, shes relaxing into her body, because you feel confident and calm in yourself,
and regardless of whether you actually end up having sex, the access to your sexual
desire and your sexual power is more available for the interaction.
Im just gonna recap from each of these- the next time youre out, do the chi-
packing exercise before you go out on a date, before you go out to a bar, do that-
remember to use your breath, thats a key piece to open up the physical channels in
your body to allow more of your sexual desire, more of your sexual power to move
through. At the same time, on the emotional level, if you have any anger that you
have to deal with around your relating with women, go get that handled, go to a
therapist, talk to somebody, work through whatevers there for you. The first step is
awareness, and to acknowledge and be honest with yourself, if youve got anger with
women, get it taken care of, and notice what is under that. The other access to your
sexual desire and your sexual power as it relates to emotions is noticing where you
have shame. Notice where you have shame around your sexual desire or your sexual
virility or your own body or your desire for women. Or even things or events that
have happened in your past. If they have a charge when you think about them and
you feel ashamed, dude, you need to talk to somebody about it.
Shame cannot live in the light, you have to pull it out from the darkness, shine the
light on it, and that means sharing it with other people so that you can be clear and
be complete about it, and youll be able to share with other people as
unapologetically as I did about some of the stuff that happened in my life, in my
past, without feeling guilty or ashamed about it.
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Finally, interpersonally, if you have withheld communications with your lover, or with
your loved one, your girlfriend or your wife, you need to clear it. If youre having
trouble accessing your sexual desire with this woman, thats the first step to look.
The second place to look is if there was broken trust, you need to clean that up,
repair it, own it, take responsibility for it, allow yourself to feel the impact of that,
and thats gonna make a big difference opening up the channels for sexual desire to
flow once again.
Finally, if you have a lot of resonance and intimacy in your relationship, you do
everything together and youre best friends, and never really wanna fuck each other,
consider that you might wanna bring more polarity and more dynamism into your
relationship. A couple reference books you may wanna consider for this third piece,
that it relates to withheld communications and telling the truth: Radical Honesty is a
great book on that topic, in terms of creating polarity and attraction, any books by
David Deida, Intimate Communion, or Naked Buddhism, or The Way of the Superior
Lover or Finding God Through Sex, any of those David Deida books are awesome for
that. However, stay tuned for now, because weve got a lot of other programs, DVDs,
and audio for you to listen to as part of the package youve just ordered, that are
gonna go into more detail on all of these topics.
Finally, I shared with you a practice you can use about imagining youre already
having sex with a woman before you even go out on the date with her, or before you
even meet her. You might imagine that youre already having sex with the women in
the club as you walk in. Use this- the next time you go out, the next time youre
about to go out on a date, make sure to actually take a moment to imagine that. Go
through your day exploring how things are different, how you talk differently, how
you look at people differently, including the woman youre dating, when youre
actually imagining that youre already having sex. All these practices are gonna take
your interactions with women to the next level, and open the doors to your sexuality
and your sexual power. And remember that each of these practices can support you
from the moment you first meet a woman.
So after youve watched these DVDs, youve listened to the audio, and actually
implemented these practices into your life, you are going to experience a complete
transformation in your relationship to your own sexuality, your own sexual desire,
your own sexual expression, and definitely how that impacts your interactions with
women, both inside the bedroom and outside. And I wanna hear from you how it
goes, so throughout this journey, please keep me in the loop, and send any emails to
[email protected]. I wanna hear from you. This is not the
end, this is just the beginning.
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Authentic Sexual Power DVD #2
Mastering the Spectrum of

Intimacy
The 3 Types of Sexual Relating
with Mark Lewis
BB: Hi! Welcome back to another interview in our series on the topic of accessing
your sexual desire and your sexual power. I have with me here Mr. Mark Lewis and
Mark is the author of several books, hes been a mentor of mine, he is the founder of
The Game for Thriving and he has been just basically a wealth of knowledge and
information for me and Decker throughout the years and in particular youve taught
me a lot about relationship and intimacy and connection as well as Ive just gotten
by osmosis some of your experiences and insights around sex and so Im really
excited to have you here and Im looking forward to hearing what you have to share
with us today.
ML: Well, Im excited to be here. Its been great. The gifts that you and Decker have
been giving people and Ive seen you give them, Ive been at your courses and it
just, you know me, I am all about having people just blossom into their fullness. And
watching you guys do it is just Hunh! I just love it.
BB: Good. What Im curious about for you is you mentioned you had a couple things
you wanted to focus on and Im sure we will jump into some interesting territory
from there.
ML: Well, as you know, my specialty is about intimacy. How do you meet eye to eye,
soul to soul with another human being so that you can be fully present and
experience yourself through experiencing their self such that theres that reflection.
The mirrors gazing into one another that makes each of you deeper. So that you
share that context, that connection and
sex is the most tangible expression of that. And so Im interested in just talking
about the power of sex and what it means to actually embody that and embody that
with another, such that where we go leads them, so they can lead us and we go into
a place that neither of us has been before.
BB: That really ties into what Decker was talking about, which is that as soon as we
have an idea of how its supposed to look, like how being connected to our sexual
desire is supposed to look, it kills any potential for any blossoming of something new
or discovery. And that when hes really with a woman and in the ways that- Ive
talked to women who relate with him, theyre like- it just blows them completely
away. There really is no particular path of how thats supposed to look or thats-
theres no, like, heres what I do, heres a formula, in fact, he was actually even
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reluctant to even have an interaction with a woman on camera because he was doing
this thing for the camera for this DVD program and thats what Im hearing you
pointing to as well, right?
ML: Yea, well, so- and especially with a woman, right? What the woman wants is the
unknown. She wants to go into a pleasant unknown and if you know where youre
going- now theres a difference between knowing the qualities that youre willing to
bring, knowing the confidence that Im gonna look at a woman, Im gonna be with
her, and Im going to feed off of her and go someplace, I dont know where it is, but
I know the qualities, I know its gonna be deep, I know its gonna be powerful, I
know its gonna be fun, and I know that she is going to blossom and in that
blossoming Im just gonna get turned on and go ohh! I want more of that! and then
thats gonna feed that loop, so yea. Dont know where its going and if I try to say,
oh, classic- trying to repeat an experience that youve had before, right? So I do this
thing with this one woman and its oh wow, we did this and this, if you go to
another woman and try to do the same thing? No. Not gonna happen. Because the
whole experience is a loop, its a cycle, and you have to go down the cycle thats
there rather than trying to shift the energy of this moment into it, because then,
youre gonna be stiff,
if the energys going this way and you try to make it go that way, its not gonna
work, you have to catch it and take it where it wants to go.
BB: Thats definitely been my experience is the best sexual interactions Ive had is
when I have a finger on the pulse of whats being called for in this moment, does
she- is she calling for to be spanked right now, or does she want a caress down the
left side of her body? Does she want her hair pulled or does she wanna be kissed
tenderly, like Im feeling that moment to moment as opposed to, let me try that new
g-spot trick Ive been hearing about.
ML: Yea, and to say the other side of that is, where do I want to go right now?
Right? So Im getting a sense for where she is and where shes at, and then how
does that feed into where I wanna go right now? Not where I wanted to go five
seconds ago, not where I wanted to go when I thought about getting together with
her last week, right? But where do I want to go right now? Such that I can push that
direction, then respond to where she goes with it, then if Im in the present moment,
you know, power of presence- being right there, then I can allow my appreciation of
where shes at to guide me to the next thing, so that I am bringing my integrity. I
am right there.
BB: Nice. I think thats great, cause thats really what were relating to here is
accessing our desire, getting in touch with whats true for us and having that be
really a legitimate, valid, felt thing, while taking into account her experience. Youre
really describing effectively the interplay between those two.
ML: Right. Without the interplay, its gonna be dead. Its gonna be dead if we just try
to please her, its gonna be dead if we just try to please ourselves. Sometimes I like
to talk about the difference between fucking, having sex, and making love, right? If
you take the three different pieces- say fucking, having sex, and making love.
Fucking is exactly what it sounds like, its haah! When I think about fucking, I think
about role play, I think about getting into my animal and really its just about that
feeling, that haah, and Im gonna take her and Im gonna be taken, and in a sense,
one way to think about fucking is youve got an idea of how you want it to go and
then you enact it.
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BB: Im wanna bend her over-
ML: Right. And you think about porn movie, its like this thing where its like, Im
doing this- Im fulfilling this fantasy, Im making some idea that I had happen, and
thats where my attention is, my attention is on fulfilling this patternand so its
fucking. Contrast that with what I call having sex. Having sex is where Im actually
with the woman and Im going to give her an experience of pleasure or Im going to
get a particular experience of pleasure and so Im in that dance and Im focused on
where is the pleasure? Im gonna get her off, Im gonna get her off in stages, Im
gonna peak her, Im gonna bring her back, so its kind of-
BB: Taking her on a ride?
ML: And its a technical perspective, where Im looking to create a result. Fucking is
just like Im looking to play a role, to be in this experience. And having sex is Im
going to make a difference, Im going to affect a result, Im going to create
something specific. Then making love is where its not about playing some role, its
not about creating a specific result, its about being fully present to my desire for her
and fully present to how she is responding, and in that moment, theres something
that goes beyond anything you could plan, anything you could try to create- you
could say its the difference between creating a good experience and discovering a
phenomenal experience, something that goes beyond what you were expecting, what
she was expecting, and that experience of making love, where youre just so present
to your own desire, like, oh my god, oh I just- oh I want that! And youre so keyed
in to her at the same time that youve got this feedback loop. Its constantly leading
you someplace that you could never predict. It leads you right into the experience
such that it goes deeper and deeper and deeper, and that experience of making love
is that experience of intimacy, its that experience of unknown, the discovery of
yourself in the relation with another and when I think about accessing my sexual
power, I can access my sexual power kind of in all those- I could access it fucking,
right, where Im like, oh I know exactly what I want to do, and theres a sense in
which she becomes an object to me, right?
And- which is phenomenal, cause then she gets to just watch my turn-on and get
turned on by that, and you know, Im married now, right- there was a time when I
wasnt, but Im married now, so with my wife, I get to just go for it, I get to just be
exactly where Im at, and she gets turned on just by watching me. Its not
necessarily about her, its about me right at this moment, Im just fucking, right?
Versus other times where were having sex, where its like, okay, were taking care
of each other, were being considerate, we might be hard and violent, we might be
soft and cuddly, but then there are other times when were just with each other, we
dont know if were actually gonna have sex, we dont know whats gonna happen,
were just so with one another that were dancing in the discovery of who we are,
and thats when the sex becomes mind-blowing, it becomes heart-opening, it
becomes soul-transcending, and its those kinds of experiences that led me to get
married, right? That kind of deep- the power is the power of who I am, not what Im
doing- its the power of who I am, not what Im enacting. Although I like to enact.
My wife is hot. Sometimes I just look at her and I wanna fuck her- I dont wanna
have sex with her, I dont wanna make love, I just wanna fuck. And giving myself
the freedom to do that is how I access my sexual power.
21
BB: Just offering yourself to freedom, just giving yourself the space to- you know
what? Fucking is great, making love, thats actually probably the most fulfilling, but
that doesnt mean I cant just have access to my fuck desire as well.
ML: Yea. And its often the case where Im in one and Im just riding that experience,
and I might be riding it into fucking or Im riding it into having sex or Im riding it
into making love, and a lot of it has to do with where shes at. How present is she? Is
she thinking about the various things she has to do or have I been able to guide her
into a space where shes completely focused in the moment? And when you invited
me to this, lets talk about accessing your sexual power, really feeling, giving
yourself permission to really feel it, cause if youre gonna feel it, you might as well
feel it, right? And its that, its your capacity to feel it thats gonna take her on the
ride. Thats what she wants. Cause the more you feel it, the more you get into just
giving yourself permission.
BB: And thats why so many of the practices that weve been offering is like, do
masturbatory practices, go ahead and explore that aspect of yourself, because the
more you feel it, the more permission youll give yourself in the moment when youre
with a woman, which is what Im hearing you relate to.
ML: And the more access you have to that, then the more you can tone it down.
BB: You have more choice, rather than it coming out sideways.
ML: And you know, when I want to seduce a woman, because sometimes- I love to
flirt. Fortunately, my wife understands it, but I love to flirt, I love to be with a
woman and raise the sexual tension to the point where theres that energy flow
going back and forth. Its not gonna go anywhere, because my wife and I have very
specific agreements.
BB: And you didnt always used to be that way.
ML: No I didnt.
BB: Mark was the most, like open relationship guy I know, you had like seven open
relationships at a time, I was- we were all shocked when we found out you were
getting married, it was like, Mark Lewis getting married?! Are you fucking kidding
me? Are you okay? Did she brainwash you?
ML: She did. And I love it.
BB: So there we are. But- so just a little bit of background, so going back- you still
love to flirting with women-
ML: -and if I go back in time, when I was actively seducing women, when Id find a
woman and I wanted to have some type of relationship with her, especially a sexual
relationship, my seduction, theres two main things that I do in seduction. And each
one of them has lots of angles to it, but you could say two main things-
BB: Im really excited to hear this.
ML: Well, the first is, what youre talking about, is accessing your sexual power. And
its to get into the place where my entire body is just on fire and I have full
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permission to feel all of my passion. I get into that state, and I look at the woman
Im with and I just exude that with her. Now I do that, you could say, internally. But
its as if, although my body is still, the inside of my body is churning. Its like Im
grabbing her and touching her and just imagining her and tasting her, and so inside
Im like this, auughh! I cant wait to- and youre going to love it, and its gonna be
so great, and Im going to take you places, and Im going to go places I dont know,
but its going to be good. So inside Im like that, and then on the outside, I just
settle, and all I do is just take all of that energy and bring it right to my eyes. And
then I look at her. And she doesnt know whats going on, but she knows that
something is going on. And the energy I give her of my attraction, for my
appreciation of her, it communicates. And the more I can access my power, the more
I can tone it down, and then just focus it. And shell just squirm. When I met my
wife, we met in a Mels Burgers, right? And she sat down and I just looked at her and
I didnt say anything, Im just like, hi, and she just squirmed. And I just enjoyed
her squirm. And I just looked at her and I was like, oh yes. Because shes so
beautiful, and shes so pure, and you know, that light? Different women have
different qualities, she has a particular lightness and almost a shyness about her,
and it was just so great, I was just imagining eating her up. Just eating her up and
she was just squirming. And as she was squirming, she told me later, shes like,
woah, like her body is responding to what I was giving her, even though I wasnt
doing anything except looking at her, right. So you could say that that is the-
BB: Its part of whats possible.
ML: Exactly, and what allows me to do that is- I just love sex. I love everything
about it, I love all of that energy, and so I just give myself permission to feel it and
then just look at her. And that is, you could say, the main part. And then the second
is I really watch her, right? And how she responds is where I go. Its kind of like a
couple different metaphors; surfing. You find a wave and then you ride the wave.
And its your ability to ride the wave that determines the quality of your ride. And
she is the wave. She is the wave. So I just put my attention on her and let her take
me. Where does she want to go? How do I move with it? And the reason I love the
AMP program, I love what you guys are about, because youve laid it out into the
stages, and thats exactly it, you just get presence so you can appreciate, and then
you respond with integrity, and then theres the experience of everything coming
together, and then its just a dance- you just play. Just play.
BB: Cause youre responding to what shes bringing too, so then it becomes a dance,
like she moves this way, its like, okay lets go this way, and Im bringing all of
myself with it.
ML: Yes, yes. And thats the other pillar. The other pillar is to accept everything shes
bringing as the gift that it is, and then feeling it, and then giving it back to her. And
then thats- so then you get the sexual dynamic, because youre in your sexual
power, and you get the relationship dynamic cause youre in communication. And
you know, theres a sense that
you know its unfair, if you have these skills, and the game community, its great.
Its great to have all the verbal tricks, but if youre not actually present, then you
dont get the loop. And without that loop, I mean, even when youre successful its
like, where do you go with it? Wheres the juice? Wheres the passion? Wheres the
fun? But with this, its really unfair, because so few guys know how to actually be in
their power without getting leery-
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BB: Without losing themselves in their desire. Can you talk about some of the
pitfalls? So I want to hear about the potential pitfalls briefly, cause I think weve
covered some of them, like we cut off from our heart, which is this side, so then its
just about me and my desire and what I want, and its more just like cock energy, or
I just care about what she wants and its like, oh whatever you want, honey and
then theres no desire there. Do you see any other particular pitfalls in relationship to
what- or we lose ourselves in our desire, we just lose ourselves, not just like Im
gonna take you, its just kind of getting lost in her.
ML: Like you say, the cock energy or Im kind of describing it as fucking, right? You
have to have a relationship with the woman. So that she actually enjoys you going
into your experience. In order to go into your experience and get into that fuck
energy. Cause if you go into the fuck energy before you have relationship? Then
shes an object, she feels like an object, and theres no relationship to hold that.
BB: The relationship is what holds all that energy and creates the container for that
kind of an interaction to happen.
ML: Right. Once youve built the connection with her, where she feels seen and she
feels accepted. Where she gets, wow. he really appreciates me as I am. Well, now
youve got space for her to appreciate you. But until she gets that, shes like, looking
at you like, okay- who are you? Are you gonna pay attention to me or not? Are you
just gonna be another guy who runs his game on me? Now Im an object, Im not
involved. So I think thats one of the challenges of the fuck energy or the cock
energy as you say, where its just like all about me. Until youve built that
relationship, she cant enjoy that.
BB: So I wanna hear from you, like, youre obviously one of the most expressed men
Ive ever met, in terms of your access to your sexuality and your enthusiasm about
your sexuality, and your desire and your enjoyment of sex, and I wanted to know, is
this how its always been for you?
ML: No, no. So tell a little bit about that story, or?
BB: Yea, lets hear a little bit about your journey, cause I think thats what a lot of
guys wanna know, because theyre like, great, obviously this fucking guy seems to
not have a problem, hes got this awesome wife, theyve got this off the hook
relationship, which I loved hearing about by the way, and Im so happy for you.
ML: Me too.
BB: I get that. And so I wanna know, can you kind of chart a course, what was for
you- lay out the story for us a little bit.
ML: So I was incredibly shy and incredibly awkward, so when Id actually be with a
woman, I was like blurting, It was like, shy, shy, shy, blurt! shy shy shy blurt! and
so I didnt have a lot of successful relationships and successful sexual relationships
until I was in my mid-20s. Essentially. And then I was fortunate, I met a woman who
was just an incredible woman and we were in a 5-6 year relationship, and in the
process of being with her, I got to experiment with- oh I can please her and that
was- I can say like, in the beginning it was all about pleasing her. If I could please
her, I was done, right? My own pleasure was kind of secondary, and that led to a
certain kind of dynamic, where it was all about her, and then if she wasnt in the
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mood or if I couldnt make her happy because there are other things involved with a
long-term relationship other than sex, like if youre not taking care of other things
that the woman wants, shes not gonna be happy and shes not gonna open in sex.
And you could say that I had that issue. So all of a sudden I wasnt as successful
with her being pleased in the relationship. And so I wasnt really into my own
pleasure, I wasnt really successful in her pleasure, and so the sexual experience
through time just began to deteriorate. When she and I broke up, I was 28-29 years
old, and Im looking at my life, and Im going, I wanna get good at this sex thing,
and fortunately, thats when internet dating started, and I was living in San
Francisco, and you look on the internet dating sites and do a search within five miles
and theres like a million women, so Im like, okay, I can do this! So I literally just
decided that I was gonna get good at it, so I propositioned a lot of women, went out
on a lot of dates, and decided that what I was gonna do was I was gonna feel what I
felt. And I started getting into my sexual pleasure. Because I was too far on the
please the woman side.
BB: And you may be too far on the please the woman side or you may be too far on
the Im gonna get mine side, but consider that for yourself as you listen to this
story. So you were too far on the please the woman side, so you were like-
ML: So I took the pendulum to the other side. And I found that I would have a lot of
one or two date experiences around that. Because there wasnt that loop. And that
was fun for awhile. I enjoyed it. And it was also, I had never been particularly
successful as a man. And for me, growing up, having sex meant you were a
successful man. Having a woman want you- thats what success was. I mean, theres
money and theres women. And thats pretty much it. So Id never really had the
kind of success where Id had lots of women, I had like, I was the man, I was the
sex- so I had that. And that was a lot of fun, but it ended up being really unfulfilling,
and so then I started looking at, well, how do I take my love of women and my love
of relationship and my desire for sex and begin to meld them. And thats when I
began to come up with the Relation Games material.
BB: So when you were having a lot of sex, was that before you were dating all of
these women?
ML: So there was a time when I was having sex with a number of women, but it was
more kind of sequential, so I didnt have any long term relationships with any of
them, so Id date them a couple times, and then shed lose interest in me or Id lose
interest in her or some new thing would come up and my attention would shift to the
next thing. But at the time I was starting to do more couples coaching, and in doing
couples coaching I noticed that the things that I did well, I could begin to codify
them and teach them to other people, and in the process of teaching them, I went
hey- you know that really works! I oughta do more of my own medicine, and so I
systematically began to study what it was that I was doing that had a woman open,
both her heart and her body. And in the process I realized that I didnt want to just
havesex. I wanted to start building that intimate, blossoming relationship. Thats
where my pleasure was, my pleasure really came from seeing a woman light up and
connect with me in such a way that she experienced more of herself when she was
with me, and then the more her that was present, the more I could experience
myself and that became something that I just became very attracted to, so then
over the years that kind of refined, and then thats when I started really creating
what I would call games. When I would literally say, look, heres the kind of
relationship that I want to have, lets create a game. And the game is a game for
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intimacy, and here are some rules that we can both agree to, that when we agree to
will allow this intimacy to really flourish. And again, back to presence and
appreciation and integrity. You have to be able to be present to know what you
want. To know what you care about so you can ask for what you want and create a
set of rules, you have to have appreciation so you can tell whether or not the rules
work for her, and adjust the rules so that it fits the us thats creating, and then you
have to have integrity to the rules, cause if you make an agreement and then you
dont keep it, the whole thing falls apart, theres no wholeness, right? No play. And
so, in the process of learning to create this, the sexual experience that I would have
began to shift fundamentally, and I began to notice that I could just fuck. And I
could make love. Or I could have sex. And really take care of her. And take care of
me. And then there was this other thing that was coming out of it, which was the
deeper expression, the blossoming of the unknown. And that ride became more
important than anything else, and after going on that ride and really choosing to go
on that ride, the rest of it all just sort of came. Cause the more I was in that
experience of really being true to myself, being true to her, and riding that ride, the
more everything just kind of fell into place, and then when Id meet a new woman,
Id go, I want that. I know I can have that with her. And thats when I started
realizing that all that was going on inside my head. I knew that I could be present
with her and that being present with her would be such a unique experience for her,
because so few men can be present, that she would open and blossom. And then
that gave me a kind of confidence, you know- its kind of cocky, kind of arrogant, but
I just know that if Im with a woman and I want to turn her on, I want to turn me
on, I just go there. And shell feel it, she might participate, she might not participate-
BB: And either one is fine.
ML: Right. And different women have their own rules for what theyll allow
themselves to experience. Right? And then so you just get to play up against their
boundaries. You give them enough sexual energy in a safe way so that youre not
leering, youre not coming out- not too much cock or fucking, its just present in
you.
BB: Retaining that energy and offering it, as I heard- through my eyes.
ML: And I really try to just keep it in my eyes, so that she can feed off of that what
she wants, and shell open to the degree, according to her own rules.
BB: That is so cool, Im looking forward to exploring that way of being with a
woman, which is feel all my desire, and then just allow it to come through my eyes.
It feels soft and appreciative when it comes through, even though inside, there is a
ferocity there.
ML: Ferocity. Thats a fantastic word. I wouldnt have used it, but now Im going to. I
like that. Ferocity.
BB: Its fun! Its kinda like, Ive got this whole dam back here, and Im not like this
bleah! like I have to just pour it out, Im totally in control of it, I can totally retain it,
and Im gonna give you a little taste of it through my eyes, and well see how you
respond to that.
ML: Yes. And it shapes the words you say, it shapes the voice tones you use, it
shapes your posture, its all right there, and then, and this is the thing, if you just
26
have that, if you dont have the ability to be present, if you dont have the ability to
have that appreciation, if you cant stand in the integrity of the energy that holds
that, then you wont get the loop.
BB: It takes all three.
ML: Yea, and then it slips back into fucking. Or you go, oh, but I really want it to
work, so it slips back into having sex. Versus being able to be present with it, so you
can get into that making love, cause the more youre in that making love loop, the
more you give yourself permission to feel.
BB: Ive just had moments of that, what youre talking about, and it takes a really
special woman for me to really be willing to bring all of that. Thats probably what
makes it so beautiful, though, too.
ML: And if you take the idea of the masculine is, in the David Deida sense of the
word, is the banks of the river and the feminine energy our capacity to feel our
own sexuality and be with it, to really accept it as it is, and to be able to express it
as its appropriate for the situation, the womans only going to be able to go as deep
into her sexuality as we allow ours. Or shes going to go into fucking. So you can be-
sometimes youll be with a woman whose incredibly sexual expressed and she goes
farther than you, and shes gonna go on her ride and you get to enjoy it, which is
cool. But if you cant open up to your sexual desire in a way that meets hers, then
youre not gonna get that loop and shes gonna go someplace else. Pretty
straightforward.
BB: I wanna take a break from a moment, just cause Im getting the fuckin amazing
firehose action, I just wanna stand and move around a little bit-
BB: So I wanna go back to something that you said, I wanna track where youre at
now from where you were- you were like this guy that was holding back and then
youd throw something out and then go back, and throw something out and then go
back, and then all I heard is that you met this woman who you were with for 5 or 6
years who was really amazing. What are some of the things or the insights that
youve had that viewers listening to this at home can map over to their lives, like
were there specific practices or exercises, was it NLP- I know you were heavy into
NLP, you started getting a lot of personal development, I mean you were coaching
people even before you knew how to have great relationships yourself, and thats
partly as a function of all this training and the personal development work that you
were doing.
ML: So you could say that there were two stages to getting to where I am now.
BB: I love how Mark breaks everything down into simple steps. He chronically breaks
things down into little chunks that you can understand. I love that about you.
ML: Excellent.
BB: So two stages-
ML: And I cant wait to see where Im gonna be five years from now, but for right
now- so when I was with this woman for this extended period of time, what I got
really good at was communicating and relating. I got really good at kind of getting
27
where she was at and adjusting myself to fit her. And then shed go someplace else
and Id adjust myself to fit her, and I got so good at adjusting myself that finally I
reached a point where I said, is this really what its about? me adjusting myself to
her for the rest of my life? and I decided, no, as a matter of fact, thats not what its
about, and so you could say that was a set of stages I went through where I became
really good at reading where a woman was at so that I could avoid her getting upset,
and when possible, actually do something that she liked, and get some positive
feedback, right? So when she and I broke up, you could say that went into my
second stage, and that was really about how do I enjoy the woman Im with? How do
I enjoy, instead of focusing on her, how do I enjoy it?
BB: So this is a question you can ask yourself: #1 do you feel capable of being
attuned and in tune with a woman so that you can follow, be present to, and be
aware of her desires moment to moment, that would be one aspect, and then
number two, are you aware and capable of following your own desires and enjoying
being with a woman and having your desires be met as well, because both of those
seem like where the sweet spot ended up being for you is being able to explore both
of those. And sometimes you have to explore one and then explore the other, the
woman that youre with to discover what her desires are and be able to become
attuned to train yourself to have the level of presence to be aware of being dialed
into her experience, maybe a different woman initially, than when youre dialed into
your own experience and owning what you want, and obviously they could happen
together-
ML: It can be the same woman, that was the way that I did it, was I kind of did one
and then the other. As I got into my own experience, and I think about what it was
like when I was meeting new women, right? Id be in a bar, although I didnt do a lot
of meeting through bars, but I thought that would be an extraordinary way to meet
as many women as I wanted to meet, but when I would meet a woman, theres an
unknown, theres an experience of unknown-we dont know whats gonna happen-
are we gonna like each other, is there gonna be chemistry, is there not, am I gonna
like her? Am I gonna wanna hang out with her? Or not? When, before I broke up
with the woman in my 20s, that was never really a question for me. It just wasnt
about me, it was just, can I make the woman happy, because if I can make the
woman happy, then shell be with me and then Ill be successful, then Ill have the
relationship that I need in order to feel like Im a man. And so that was where all my
focus was. When it started to shift into, what do I like? what do I care about? all of
a sudden it changed how I was with the woman.
BB: So really- your personal evolution was really just a series of you asking some
questions rather than any, like, NLP or therapy or any of that kind of stuff, like, you
went from being unsure and uncertain of yourself to having a pretty significant
amount of facility with yourself and your sexual desire by just asking these questions
and being really honest with yourself.
ML: Yes. And I used a lot of NLP to help ask the questions, and after I would have an
interaction with women, so Im thinking of a particular woman, right when I first
started dating- I get online, were gonna meet at a bar, right? So we go down and
we meet at this bar and I see her across the room and shes attractive, and I find
myself getting excited and I dont know what to do with it, cause I hadnt learned all
this stuff. So all I know is Im excited and I go up to her and Im just like, wow.
youre way more attractive than I was expecting. Im really excited about this. I look
forward to getting to know you. And then I really got curious- who is this woman?
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and I was focused so much on my sets of responses that I actually started noticing
when I liked it and when I didnt. And that was kind of a new experience for me. I
hadnt really done that before. I had just been so focused on the woman, and now I
started-
BB: You start becoming discerning about what you want and what you dont.
ML:-and about what I was actually feeling, and the main place I used NLP with
myself was after. Like I went out with this woman and we ended up going out a
number of times but after Id sit down and Id replay the experience, when did I
respond? when did she respond? what was actually happening? And I would ask
questions, like, so what was going on? And then I would give myself permission to
feel it, and thats why I was so excited about doing this accessing your sexual power
thing because it was the process of giving myself permission to feel what I was
feeling that allowed me to actually be in it. Such that I could begin to turn her on,
cause through time and going through this experience of meeting different women-
so I met one woman, I met another woman, I met another woman- over say, 15 or
20 women, in the course of about six months that I went out with when I was first,
kind of, single again, and I was really going for it. What I kept finding is that the
more I could feel myself and give myself permission to feel it, then I no longer had
to like, blurt it out to her, and I didnt have to take care of her, I could actually just
feel it. And the more I did that, the more she would start to blossom. Cause then I
would see her and I would start to go, oh this feels good! and I would say, oh, you
make me feel good, I like this! instead of you make me feel good, can you make me
feel better? I wasnt reaching out to her and asking for anything from her.
BB: Your attention and your awareness was really being inside yourself and enjoying
the feeling-
ML: And then being honest with her, cause Im a huge advocate of honesty, and
sometimes I talk about the difference of share everything versus hide nothing, and
Im a big believer in hide nothing and if you want to have a relationship thats
intimate, where youre really sharing your heart and opening her heart, where youre
really having this flow of depth, then hide nothing is a rule in the game of intimacy
thats gonna bring out a lot, but thats different than share everything. Share
everything is, oh, heres what Im feeling, heres what Im feeling, theres all kinds
of things that it doesnt make a difference if you share it, it doesnt move any of the
conversation forward. Hiding nothing means if theres something that youre afraid to
share, if theres something that you think the other person wants to know, that if
they knew it, theyd want to know it, then you share it, then theres a sense of
vulnerability, theres a sense of I dont know, when I share this, is it gonna open
things or close things, I dont know. And that edge- to be able to be on that edge,
what I found was in my sexuality, the more I could relax into my sexuality and
actually feel it, then I could share parts of my turn-on in a way that wasnt about-
she didnt have to do anything about it, I was inviting her to experience it, and the
deeper I could go into my experience, the more she could go into her experience,
BB: -the more permission it gave.
ML: She had more and more permission and she would- sometimes theyd go there
and sometimes they wouldnt. And I was cool with that, because it felt good to me
either way. Cause sometimes she would open, and then I would get to ride that
particular ride. Sometimes shed close, and Id go, oh. whats that? Right? And then
29
Id be with how I felt with that, and then Id just keep- so like where is it? where is
her energy? Because if shes closing in one place, shes opening in another, so I
would just move to the place where she was opening, and because I could feel what
I was feeling, it became very easy for me to guide a conversation, and what I found
is that most women want that. And so, I was very successful with seducing women. I
used to say that its not even fair, cause its not. If you can actually be present to
your own experience, and be with the womans experience, and go where she leads
without giving up yourself, without, oohh! like trying to follow her, just being like,
she goes there, you go there with her, you feel that dance, she goes someplace else,
you feel that being present. Again, thats why I love your guys work so much, cause
it lays out those pieces.
BB: Yea. Thats great. So I wanna go back to something you said, if shes closing in
one place, then shes opening in another. I wanna hear more about that.
ML: So in a sense, women are really beautiful creatures in that theyre always going
for what they want, right? And if a womans ever closing, the reason shes closing is
theres some part of her thats not getting reflected. Shes giving you something, and
you didnt reflect it. And then, so she like, turns away from it, like, well if youre not
going to do that, then Im not gonna play. Well, that- we can look at that as a
movement away- well, Im not gonna play, but really its just another invitation.
What shes saying is- so are you going to be okay with the fact that Im not going to
play? Are you gonna go with me on the ride of, Im not gonna play? And if you do,
all of a sudden shes playing again. Shes always gonna be asking for what she
wants. If you do one thing and she moves away, just go where she goes.
BB: Its like theyre just the essence of desire. Desire incarnate. So theyre just like,
desire, desire, desire, desire, desire, and youre just navigating that.
ML: Yes. And in a sense, shes always giving you what she wants. And a lot of what
she wants is to test to see if youre actually with her. Right? Shes like going, oh! are
you with me? Right? Especially me. I can be cocky, cause Im like, oh! this is fun,
wheres she gonna go? Cause I know that Im gonna follow her wherever she goes.
So I have a certain sense of confidence, that wherever she goes, Im gonna have a
good time. And thats really what Im- so that gives me a certain amount of
confidence. So sometimes, when Im with a woman, shell throw out- shell be like
yes yes yes, and shell get, like, this is too easy. Im being too easy on this guy.
Right? So then shell throw out something to like- shell challenge me, or shell say
something where shes saying some words, but shes giving the energy of something
else, and shes testing to see am I gonna go with her words or am I gonna reflect
back the deeper energy, the kind of unspoken thing? And thats just a test shes
giving me to see if Im gonna be with her. Cause the- if I were to say, what do
women really want? What they want is to be met. They want someone to see them
in their entirety. They want to be seen. They want to have that experience of being
seen. And so, when they risk sharing deeper parts of themselves, when they risk
sharing their sexuality, especially in a sexual context, if a womans gonna allow
herself to feel, to really feel, then shes in the unknown. Shes in that vulnerable
place where she might do something, and if the guys not there to reflect it, all of a
sudden shes alone. Shes opened her heart in some way, shape, or form, and if the
guys not there to meet her, then all of a sudden shes out there and shes exposed.
So then shes gonna contract. And so, the game is just being where shes at. Just
pay attention. And pay attention to yourself. Feel where youre feeling, wheres she
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at, and then just be in that space- thats the shift from fucking to having sex to
making love. I think about- when Im working with a client-
BB: I wanna just take a minute to let all of this settle. I have a consistent experience
with you, where I check out for a moment from the conversation, I have no idea
what youre talking about, cause Im going in and processing and re-mapping things
in my mind and re-mapping the experiences that Im going to have in the future, and
experiences that Ive had in the past, and if thats happening for you, go back and
listen to this again, because Im checked out for half this frickin interview.
ML: Its also a great parallel to what goes on with the woman. If she gives you more
than you can handle, if you try to pretend like youre with her, when youre not, she
cant trust you.
BB: So I should be stopping you, like, hold on.
ML: Yea, except Im not a woman. No, no, feel free to stop me, cause I do just- ah!
theres just so much! Theres just so much.
BB: So lets see if we can weave this back in. This is great. Its all awesome. Umso
I think theres something thats just getting transmitted just by how youre
communicating right now. Now what I I wanna start dialing it into specific practices
that guys can take on and take into their lives, whether they have trouble meeting
women from the beginning or theyre doing a little bit of dating, etc. and specifically
as it relates to their sexual desire. Right now, we just had this great tangent about
how to just relate to women and what women really want- what theyre really
longing for and how to bring that while retaining our own- staying rested in our own
integrity, which was pretty great, and so I wanna bring it back into- as it relates to
men who feel challenged around their sexuality, etc. One of the main take-aways
here so far is to ask yourself, what is it that I really want? and really being willing to
be honest with ourselves about what that is, and welcoming and embracing whatever
that is and then whatever concerns we have about what she does or doesnt like,
were gonna stay attuned to what her desires are, and respond to that, welcoming
out whatever her desires are, and then thats where the dance occurs, is where my
desires and her desires weave together. Beyond that, it caught my mind, you said
you used NLP to help you ask those questions- what was it in NLP- thats just part of
a shared experience that we have, I mean, Ive seen the power of that, I just told
you about that woman- she had bulimia for twenty years I did a twenty minute
process with her and its gone now. Its not there anymore. Im awed by the power
of that particular type of work, and Im curious for you- were there tools that you
know of, just in your toolbox that you found useful to help accelerate this process?
ML: So, if you have the NLP toolbox, theres a lot of creative ways to use it, but in
this particular piece, if we dial it back in the process of this time when I was not
comfortable with my own sexuality, and then I developed a comfort level. What are
some tools that people can use towards that? One of the ways of thinking about it-
one of the exercises that I did is- Im in San Francisco. I would go down to the
Marina, and I would go hang out in the bars, cause there are a lot of beautiful
women in bars, and I had absolutely no idea how to approach a woman at a bar. I
had no game. Id never heard of pick-up, nothing. And I was just there, and Id
never done it before. Id had a long term relationship and that had been my
relationship experience, I never- so I remember being in this bar, and Im like, just
feeling so much- and I want to go talk to women, I dont know what to say, I dont
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wanna look like a fool, I dont wanna get rejected, and so Im looking at her, and Im
feeling what Im feeling, and what I feel is embarrassment- I feel shame that I dont
know what Im doing. I feel just basically incompetent and what I really wanna do is
just go home and watch television and zone out, so I dont have to feel this, and
then at some point I said, you know what? this is exactly where I should be! I dont
have any experience, I dont know what the hell Im doing! And so I got okay with
what I was feeling, and then I started asking questions to myself. And I was like,
okay, so Im feeling shame, Im feeling scared, so then I would ask a specific NLP
question, which was, okay- well, what am I trying to do through feeling scared thats
even deeper and even more important? Its often called the higher purpose
question, or the meta-outcome question- in terms of core transformation process,
BB: Which is such a key question- those questions are what this woman-
ML: Because everything that Im experiencing- unfortunately, its one of those things
where you can have an understanding of something, and coach other people in it,
but then you apply it to yourself and all of a sudden stuff opens up. Right? I had
been in a relationship for so long that I felt like these questions just never came up,
and then when Im out actually looking in the bar or Im meeting a woman through
matchmaker and match.com, Im faced with these experiences in my body that I
began to be able to ask these questions- well, what is it about being scared? Well,
Im scared because by being scared Im trying to protect myself, so then you ask the
higher purpose question again, well, what are you trying to- what do you want
through being protective thats even deeper and even more important. If I really
wasnt protected myself, then what could it be? Then I could actually relax, and
enjoy this adventure that Im on of meeting women in a bar. Well, what would that
be like?
BB: Where would that get for me?
ML: Right, and then you can go deeper, and- anytime I get to a positive state- I ask
this question all the time, any time I get to a positive state I stop. I enjoy it. And
really what I want to be is I want to be in the experience of adventure. So then I
would sit there in the bar, and I would say, what would this be like if I were on an
adventure? If I were on safari, or if I were skiing or if I were doing something crazy,
as an adventure, how would I feel? And then that began to get me into a different
set of experiences, so Id use the feelings that I had and use them as the gateway to
these questions into the deeper experiences.
BB: So you were basically performing this core transformation process on yourself in
the bar?
ML: Yea. Which is,- NLP guys, we do this. Ive got nothing better to do, Im not
actually going up and talking to anyone!
BB: No, I think its awesome, I think its great.
ML: And then getting into the adventure, then the other thing I do is what I consider
the cheat, which is the as if. So if I knew what I was doing, if I was really
comfortable, what would I say to this woman, and then I go, well, Id say that I like
the way she holds herself. Okay. Go tell her that. And then sometimes Id be able to
get up the courage to do it and sometimes I wouldnt. The more I did it, the more I
got courage, and then Id say, you know, I really like the way you hold yourself. Im
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Mark. Whats your name? Are you up for a conversation? And again, I didnt have
game, right? I didnt know what I was saying. But what I found is the more I got into
that state of adventure and then what do I want out of that state of adventure? I
wanna have fun! Why? Cause it just feels good. And now Im more and more in the
experience of feeling good. Well, I wanna go feel good in her presence, right? And
then Im feeling good and shes there, and Im allowing her to affect me, right? And
its a game. Okay, where is she opening? Or where is she closing that I get a chance
to meet her?
BB: So just by following that thread, just by following that meta-outcome, that
outcome of the outcome, the higher purpose, suddenly Im in a state where I feel
more available to have interactions, cause Im more connected to what Im really
committed to.
ML: Right. And in those places where I still couldnt take action- outside of the bar-
sometimes I like to describe that when youre playing the game, when youre in the
middle of a game, and you realize that youre screwing up a play, you dont go okay,
stop the game! everybody stop the game! I need to practice! No, you suck it up.
You do the best with what you got. But, you mark it. So that when you get off the
field, you can practice these things. And thats when Id do the more kind of official
NLP processes, Id do swish, to change my associations with something, or I might
do some therapy, or aligning neurological levels, so that I can be present in the
moment.
BB: Did you do a lot of work with
ML: Oh yea. I did tons. Cause I love to be successful. I just love to be successful and
so when I got into this experience, after- like I say, I would go review my
experience- what is it that worked and what didnt?
BB: Me too. I did the same thing.
ML: And then I would anchor the states that worked, and I would do aligning
neurological levels to put it more and more into my body, and if you know the circle
of excellence, so I would create circles of excellence and this purple one for
confidence, and NLP geeking out, and Id just take it and Id throw it around the
woman, and as it settled around her, Id go up and talk to her, so then Im in my
confidence, cause she is my circle of excellence, and so then I could be present.
BB: Maybe we should do a whole program on NLP tools you can use. That would be
cool.
ML: But all of that, all of the NLP tools came down to me getting right with myself-
BB: Accepting and embracing whats right.
ML: What am I looking for? And then inquiring that. What is that about? What am I
trying to do here? What is that? And the more I gave myself permission to feel that,
the more it would cycle into deeper states, and the more I would be with those
deeper states, the more I could play off the women and that just led to, as you said,
a positive feedback loop-to the point where I would just say-
BB: The upward spiral.
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ML: -that it would become unfair. It was just unfair. And of course, not all women
were attracted to me, I wish that I was like, could be some sexier, beautiful guy so I
could kind of have that extra edge up, but I know that if I get into a conversation
with a woman, and the woman is actually present. You know, some women are so in
themselves, that if youre present with them, they just freak out, right? Because all
of a sudden they become present to the fact that theyre not present. And they cant
deal with it.
BB: Right, because they cant be with whatevers arising for them. In the same way
that we have trouble being with whats arising for us.
ML: And theres a sense in which the more I can be with my sexual power, the more
I can be with hunnh the more I can be in that placid, that calm, simple exterior,
almost like a meditation, where so much is going on, but the exterior is just still so
that I can be responsive, and everything is in my eyes. When Im in that experience,
then the woman gets to feel herself, and if I can reflect back to her what shes giving
me, kind of at the same rate that shes opening, then she doesnt go too fast and
wear herself out, and she doesnt go too slow and lose interest. To balance that, to
be in that, and to allow her energy to turn and flow, it becomes really-
BB: Its that dance-
ML: -and super fun. Again, I love flirting. I love flirting. So when I meet women, I
would meet women all the time. So this is what its like for me, I go into the store- if
there is a woman putting cans on a shelf, when Im next to her, I will often put my
attention on her, and shell go, hi and Ill just say whatevers there for me to say.
And sometimes shell play and sometimes she wont. And in the end I will give her
the experience of thank you. you just gave me energy. being around you was
pleasant. thank you. And I leave and she brightens up. And the next time Im in the
store, shell catch my attention and say hi. When I go to the checkout person. I know
all the checkout people where I live now, because Im like, this is a chance to flirt!
are you kidding me? flirting is the best! So, and its all because it just feels good,
and the more I get into it, the more available I am to flirt, and the more they
respond.
BB: Thats exciting.
ML: Its fun.
BB: So were almost at time, and I wanna just check in with you first before we
conclude, you mentioned you might have something for guys who are experiencing
approach anxiety
and how that relates to them being in touch with their sexual desire.
ML: So Ill talk about it from my experience first, and well see how it relates. When I
wasnt in touch with my sexual power, when I couldnt rest in it, when I couldnt
enjoy it- the question is what am I experiencing other than that? And what I found
is- if Im not in my experience, the actual excitement and joy of being with a woman,
if Im not in that, where am I? And thats when I go into approach anxiety, cause if
Im not feeling that, then what am I experiencing? Well, Im experiencing my self-
doubt. Im going, oh Im not feeling what Im supposed to be feeling Im supposed
to be feeling something. Or I know Im supposed to feel confident, and Im not
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feeling confident, therefore theres something wrong. Therefore all of my attention is

on whats wrong with myself, and that leads me to not be able to approach, because
I know Im not gonna be present to her. I look at her and I dont have anything to
say, so I have to go into some line and I know its a line, and so I know Im
disconnected and Im gonna give her a line. Of course I have approach anxiety.
Versus really just feeling. And the more I feel, the less approach anxiety I have,
because Im too busy feeling what I feel, and the feeling is excitement, curiousity,
how is this interaction gonna go? I dont know. It could go any one of a thousand
directions- all of them are gonna be fun, because thats what its like to be in my
body, its fun, its alive, its juicy- and theres the old saying that the difference
between excitement and anxiety is that youre open to it-
the feelings of excitement of adrenaline, happens when you feel that unknown. It
feels the same as what we call anxiety. If you open to it, then its excitement, if you
close to it, then its anxiety, because all of a sudden youre trying to hold this thing
down, right? So you go into, Im feeling nervous, well what is nervous? I mean,
nervous means youve got energy in your body. Your bodys getting ready. Ready for
what? That. Whatever that is. Go on the ride. And to be able to experience your
sexuality, to be able to give yourself permission to actually feel your energy, to feel
the sexuality that you feel, the ahh! and the ooh! whatever it is, when you give
yourself permission to feel that, now youre full, now when you bring it into the
interaction, you bring that fullness, rather than trying to have it not be something.
Cause if what youre feeling isnt the thing youre supposed to be feeling, then how
can you be present? And thats when the lines become locked, and when approach
anxiety becomes something other than exciting. Because its really approach
excitement. It really is. I mean, cause its exciting! Meeting a woman for the first
time, or meeting her for the second time- one thing we havent really talked about is
what do you do after youve met a woman and youve called her. What do you do
on a second date? Right? And thats all about, can you be with what youre feeling?
BB: Its the same principle.
ML: Its the same thing, it just becomes- youve already broken the gate. Shes
chosen to see you again, shes chosen to give you some kind of access. Something
about the way you were with her, gave her the possibility that she could have some
kind of experience that she wants. Thats exciting! Personally, I get more nervous,
excited on my second date than I do on my first. Or than I do on my first date,
rather than just meeting somebody. Cause now theres something on the line. Oh my
gosh, now something might- meeting them is like, yes or no, and 2 out of 3 times is
gonna be a no, or whatever it is, but after Ive actually met them, now Ive got
something on the line. So my energy is higher, and its easier for me to try and stop
it. Where I feel more anxiety.
BB: Theres more excitement, but it could translate into more anxiety.
ML: If youre not a yes to it. And this is the whole sexual power thing. If youre not
a yes to the way youre feeling, then you try and stop it, and then it goes out
sideways- so if you switch approach anxiety to approach excitement, and you
embrace it, and this is when you could ask the higher purpose question- if Im
feeling anxiety, and I ask the anxiety, I ask the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I
ask- what are you trying to do for me? what do you want from me that youre doing
this? And then I listen, and I get the response, and Ive heard things in that. And
thats how personally I move my approach anxiety into approach excitement, and
the great thing is that once you start down that path, theres no end to it, theres no
35
end to the amount of excitement of going on a first date, or going on a second date,
or a third date, and you could say that the next stage, and Ill say this for people
who are in relationship, how do you bring that to a pre-existing relationship? Cause if
you dont bring it, the relationships over. Its gonna hollow out. But if you can bring
that unknown, that oh my gosh- that new discovery. And to ride that- cause when
youre riding it, then you dont know- its the unknown that keeps you going forward.
As soon as its known, then it becomes dead, and different people are happy with
different kinds of stasis, right? Cause its safe, and youve got your structures, and
you see each other x amount of times.
BB: That balance between stability and vitality-
ML: And if where youre at is in your body, then it leads to living life within the
stability, rather than having to break apart the stability in order to give you the
illusion of life.
BB: Thank you. So as you listen to this interview, I want you to just think about
what you see as possible in your life as a result of having listened to this thing. What
kind of a difference do you see this making in your relationships? In your interactions
with women, whether you just met them or youve known them for years- really take
some time right now to think forward into the future about what kind of a difference
you see this making for you in your life going forward.
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Authentic Sexual Desire DVD #3
The Erotic Gaze

Expressing Sexual Desire Without Want
with Decker and Danger
BB: Welcome back to the next interview in our series on accessing your sexual power
and your sexual desire. I got with me here Decker and this is the first time weve
been on video since the Foundations series, so Im excited to have you on here, and
I know youre gonna have a lot of insights for guys on how to get in touch with their
desire and their power around sexuality, and Im also interested to hear from you
about what you see as possible for guys. So Im interested that we can paint a
picture so guys even know whats on the menu. Cause I know like, for me, thats
part of what inspired me on this path, I was like, okay, Im doing alright with
women, I have a girlfriend here and there, but until I saw whats possible and my
world was blown open, I didnt even know to want that, and in some ways that really
held up my growth and my evolution because I never even thought to aspire towards
that. So in some ways, there was just so much unlocked potential that through
seeing whats possible it made such a big difference in my ability to step in even
more to what I didnt even know I wanted. So welcome.
Where Id like to start is to lay out a couple of the pieces that weve been discussing
in this program. Number one is how being in touch with your sexual desire it
transforms everything from the beginning of the interaction, from when you see her,
all the way through talking to her to building sexual tension to eventually escalating
the interaction into sex and beyond into a relationship. It has an impact at every
stage, how connected you are to your sexual desire. And it actually can serve to
smooth things out, especially as things turn sexual, because instead of an idea of
oh, shes hot, or oh, intellectually I find her pleasing to the eye, but I feel a
visceral reaction in my body. So I feel that it solves a lot of problems, its one of
those root things that if you can just tap it at the roots, the leaves on the tree will
bloom on its own.
DC: You wanna start with that one?
BB: Yea, lets start with that.
DC: Yea, its tricky for me because, at first, when I was doing the cold approaches of
old, I was not really aware of being powerfully desirous of her, I was aware of more
being curious about her, enjoying getting to know her, discovering what was going to
happen between the two of us, but there was consistent feedback that it felt really
good to be wanted. Different versions of it felt good to be wanted. And it took me a
little while to realize that there was in the background a current of youre yummy,
or this is gonna be fun, however far it goes, there was a sexual undercurrent to it.
It wasnt the primary driver for me, but it was in the background in a way that had
37
to feel more full, had the dynamic feel more full, rather than more light, and like,
oh, it wasnt as light or formal, there was an embodied feeling to it, so it took me a
while to realize that was something I did take for granted.
BB: This is a question that just popped up for me- where in your body- you said it
was in the background, you kind of gestured back here. Where in your body did that
desire- it sounds like the forefront was, Im curious, Im interested in you, and you
rested back and it was like, and youre yummy. Almost, when I say it, its almost
right here- its not necessarily my balls, but its more like power center, like almost
right here in my back.
DC: Spine. And then something right here almost feels heavier. And if I dont do
that, Ive seen other guys where they get really fixated- its the intensity is here- in
the eyes, as if if I stare hard enough, somehow attraction is going to happen.
BB: Its like tunnelvision.
DC: It can appear very invasive or leering or ogling, theres a lot of bad things
happen when you do that. And if you can relax into not fixating on the object of your
desire, but relax into the desire, its way more relaxed, more natural, and its not
tight, thats the thing- its actually the word power, it can be misconstrued, like
theres something Im gonna powerfully make happen, and thats not how it felt for
me at all.
BB: In fact, when we were talking about this program, and I was like, I wanna focus
on men and their masculine- their sexual power and their sexual desire, but sexual
power that sounds a little Magnolia/Tom Cruise, respect the cock, type of thing, so
Im not sure what well end up calling this program, but Ive been taking that
feedback into account.
DC: Im sure youll still call it that, but as an informed choice. The fun thing about
not being fixated is that when it did turn overtly sexual, it wasnt out of the blue, but
it was a distinct shift, to the point where, a woman in particular when I was out in
Boulder, and once we were in bed, she was laughing and was like, you had me
completely bewildered, I couldnt tell if you were into me or not. Wed kind of held
hands once, she was like, when we held hands, I thought maybe So there wasnt
an explicit, oh I want you- There wasnt a lot of trying to set up how it was gonna
be in bed, there was just a more subtle resting in my desire. And then when all the
pieces lined up, just turning on the firehose was really fun.
BB: Thats great. But I wanna go back to the moment where you talked about your
gaze. I was wondering, since we have the benefit of video, if we could demonstrate
what a leering gaze is, if you could demonstrate looking in the camera with more of
a leering grasping gaze. Just lust after the camera.
DC: Imagine different women watching this. Yea, I dont know if I can do that or not.
Garrison: Do you want me to get Danger or someone to stand right here and you
can do it with them?
BB: Danger, can you come in for a moment? (Danger Riley enters) So this is Danger,
shes been on our team for about a year now, so shes gonna help us with this
exercise. Thanks for coming.
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DR: I cant believe you dragged me into this.
BB: So go ahead and stand behind the camera.
DC: Well put you back together after we saw you in half.
BB: So the first piece is were demonstrating the difference between a leering,
ogling, grasping gaze versus a soft, rested, receptive, open gaze.
DC: Yea, and all of those are distinct. Theyre very distinct combinations.
BB: Well be able to break each of those down.
DC: Maybe. So leering for me, its semantics, but when I think of leering I have to-
Im only from about here up, most of my attention is in my eyes, and theres
something to get.
BB: Almost like a predator, like Im hunting something?
DC: Lets see, hunting? Sure. But its not that powerful-
BB: Like, see if I can get it.
DC: Its like pencil necked- and theres not a person over there, theres just
something to look at, theres different parts of her body to look at. And in leering I
probably approve of everything I look at, but its very pointy.
BB: Sharp.
DR: I think you still have too much space for me in your look.
BB: More objectification?
DR: Mm hmm. Come on, objectify me.
DC: In my ivory tower here. And if I shift to ogling-
DR: My heart starts beating, Im getting scared.
DC: Ogling isnt quite so active. In fact, theres no possibility that Im going to
approach her. Im completely disempowered. Any part of me that is active and that
would actually take action is gone. Im completely passive, but still objectifying, and
just kind of trying to get off on whatever Im able to look at.
BB: And whats your experience, Danger, if you can speak loudly.
DR: Well, its interesting, cause what youre describing from over there, when you
shifted your look from what you called leering to ogling, my heart started beating, I
started getting really uncomfortable. Like, I started feeling panicky. The first time
you were leering at me, I was a little excited. I could feel an attraction there, but I
wouldnt have labeled it leering just because I think that we just started making
contact and you were still too much in appreciation.
39
DC: Now when you felt nervous is when I turned on leering fully after I stopped
talking about it, I just turned on leering.
DR: And then I saw you shut down and that weird, humping my leg thing happened.
DC: Thats the ogling. Good. So the leering, when I really turned it on at the end,
you felt nervous, unsafe. Anxious. And yet, when I kept that energy and yet, shut off
my whatever- my power I guess, then you felt like Im kinda pathetic or weird, like,
oh god, how do I avoid this guy? And so in both of those, Im not aware of her as a
person, its just a matter of- its very narrow and pointed and superficial, and one is
with a sense of activity, the other is completely disempowered.
BB: Separate. Like you look at porn, almost.
DC: Depends on the guy.
BB: Passive.
DC: Some guys when they look at porn are extremely active and fixated, as if
theyre there. I think different guys relate to porn differently. So those are two
classics. A third one is to not have it so pointed, its just more of a lustful, lecherous-
lecherous is sometimes older I guess, but where Im not so pencil-necked about it,
Im a little more expansive, Im just still not going to have her be a person, but Im
gonna feel it in more of my body. Shes- she kind of likes that.
DR: I can feel you in me, like I can feel your energy in me, but your face is dead to
me. But I dont see you as a person. Youd be a good one night stand.
DC: Yes. And some guys might be alright with that. Some guys get away with this in
a bar, there are those guys who are just a little drunk and easy to get in a fight, and
just ridiculously over the top hitting on women, and women dont get creeped out
exactly by him, he gets by, because its genuine, hes actually feeling-
BB: Hes forthright.
DC: It is authentic in some ways, its just really imbalanced.
DR: Its kind of the bad boy flavor. And what that stimulates in me is that Im
turned on, but also, I have this deep desire to make you cry. I dont exactly respect
you.
DC: Yea. And a lot of women who are wrapped up with a bad boy whos abusive, and
destructive and all that, shes like, you dont understand, you dont know the real
him, she does make him cry. Behind closed doors, she is the one person he cries
with, who then fits her into this thing where, oh I have to be the one for him, and
this really classic destructive pattern gets set up in there.
BB: So thats lecherous. What about- this is one where, I bet she would be a good
conquest for me, like if I could get her then my friends would- Ive seen that too,
where some of the guys who are most successful with women, they pull girls into the
bathrooms, and- depends on what criteria of successful youre referring to, but the
40
ability to create intense attraction immediately beyond what most guys could do, but
hes hollow on the inside, and what I find out as I dig in with him, hes not actually
connected to his sexual desire, an authentic sexual desire, hes connected to his
desire to impress his buddies, and Im curious about how you would see that gaze.
DC: Whats fun about that one- because its not personal, its not personal and its
not actually about sex, so theres room for it to be playful, and lets just- lets play
the game of having fun going out, lets play the game of doing something crazy, so
we have stories to tell, and girls like to be able to tell stories too, as long as they
dont feel slimy or gross afterwards, so, Im just gonna pull you in the bathroom,
like, hey lets go make out in the bathroom, actually could be fun for her also, to a
point, so I can see that one being fun, I dont see that one leading to great sex
necessarily, but it does lead to risky-
BB: Excitement.
DC: Exciting new-
DR: I think the distinction there is that theres no shame coming up. Its like, well
maybe conquest, and well have something to say about it, we can make out in the
bathroom of the airplane, but theres not like Im gonna rub myself on you. Im not
gonna pull my slimy thing out and make you deal with it.
DC: Ah. Indirect. Its very direct, rather than like, oh hi, lets just talk, I just wanna
get to know you, and then Im trying to rub my knee against you. At least its direct.
Got it. So you get my point that theres actually a wide spectrum of different ways to
do this.
BB: I think thats one of the brilliant things about you is your ability to- well theres
a difference between lech and ogling and leering, thats-
DC: And theres more. And when you work with an individual guy, you can each see
your unique combination, its not like its one or the other, you may catch yourself
doing different combinations of those, or a whole new version of it. And all of them
are missing first a sense of subtleness, because in all of those, Im very aware of out
there, and Im not aware of what Im committed to in my life, Im not aware of my
nephew, who I do cry when I say goodbye to when Im visiting. Im not aware of my
own humanity, and Im not aware of hers. And when youre fixated at all on, I
wanna get my sexual desire handled, I want you to have at least an equal amount
of attention on your own heart, and that you love people and that you love yourself,
and that you may have kids someday, or your brother will, youll be a good uncle,
something to make you feel like a human being while you doing this working on my
primal side thing is, I think, really crucial.
BB: Thats been a recurring theme so far- is really having access to the heart and the
sexual primal desire at the same time, Id say thats been the main theme so far. Its
great hearing it from that angle.
DC: And actually feeling it. Its a breakthough to be like, wow! that cold approach
was effortless, because a switch got flipped right here, (hand on groin opens) and
this was just on, oh, but yea, I couldnt feel anything here (hand on heart closed) it
feels like a block of wood. Or I can soften, like, oh yea, a switch flips here (heart
opens) and then I could feel like were two human beings on this planet together, but
41
(groin hand closes), hi, Im harmless and how are you doing? Can you actually- you
may catch em both halfway at first, to see what it feels like to close both of them,
and then eventually, yea, its a great goal to be able to have them both open at the
same time, and actually feel that, rather than trying to see what you would do
having them both open, just actually feel them, and youll find out what you do
naturally. Your voice tone will be different than it would be here or here. The words
you say, what you notice, all of those shift automatically when theyre both open.
BB: I even find that if Im sending a text message to a woman, I can send a text
message from here (groin) and its a totally different text message than if its just
from here (heart) or from here (both). And I can feel it, I can feel where itll open
her, it might turn her on, but its not going to open her and light her up on the
inside. Its kind of like what you were describing, Danger, where you were like, I feel
turned on, but I dont wanna make myself available.
DC: And as you guys explore this- its fun, its fun to see how energy works. In
yourself and with another woman, and with each individual woman, because its
possible to actually have tingles and pulsing, and even an erection even out at a bar
with a woman, but its rare for me. Even as Im owning my turn-on or whatever you
wanna call it, I still rarely am actually hard. I dont think I can do that without
disconnecting from her and generating some fantasy or idea unless shes responding.
Now-
BB: And then Ill feel that. Especially if I say something and she turns on, Ill feel
that viscerally.
DC: Yes. Its a dynamic. Its not, Im gonna own my sexual power over here, and
thats gonna handle everything, theres a second person, a second human being
involved in this and she has something to say non-verbally as much as you do, and
thats part of the fun is when were talking and then I do that double- I see her and
then shes still there, and then I stick my tongue out at her, you know, we play, we
goof off, and she does like, a little flirty something- theres the playful thing that all
of a sudden can sink deeper, as she feels trust with me, shell sink deeper, and then,
oh. nice. Theres a pacing. And we find out where we end up together. And then all
of a sudden its a little much, and she doesnt even know me, and shes like, oh I
dont know about this, and you notice that, and you kind of just do a bow-
BB: Theres an expanding and contracting of the depth that youll go into in terms of
the connection and the turn-on etc. and its like, okay, lets take a break.
DC: And we may come back and talk to each other for a second, and I just kind of
grin at her, and the fact that she realizes that Im not attached to going somewhere
with her, and that were just going to have a good time has her feel better again, so,
okay, lets try that again. And this is across a crowded bar that these kinds of
conversations can happen- theyre really fun.
BB: So I wanna give you an opportunity, Danger, to come up and just contrast the
first couple of experiences you had with what you felt towards the end as he was
sharing this latter way of relating, will you come on? (Danger enters) So I wanted to
get your experience of the contrast between the more leering or ogling gazes versus
when he was talking about being more dropped in or rested in and connected to the
heart and the desire.
42
DR: As a recap of what happened, theres a lot that happened, theres a universe
that happened. I can feel when youre looking at me and appreciating me, and I
think thats why initially when you were saying, Im leering, and you were looking at
me in this really open and loving way, I was like, no youre not.
DC: Its all relative.
DR: We hadnt gotten dropped in yet, into this exercise to get into this zone. And
then as soon as you started leering at me, my heart was beating really fast, and I
was feeling a little bit under attack, I was feeling like I wanted to leave. The second
time, when you were being a lech, is that the term you were using?
BB: The lecher.
DR: The ogler. It was the ogler that was the second time, and your face just went
totally dead, and there was just this really boring thing that was happening, like Id
had my leg humped by a small puppy. Like I didnt notice the dog was on my leg
until it started going. It kind of felt icky, like I was being used, and somehow theres
a power dynamic there too. And somehow, being humped by a small dog is like,
youre not stronger than me- get off of me!
DC: And in that one, for guys who are not present to the fact that they can see and
feel us, in the ogling one, their experience is not even relevant, Im just completely
lost in whatever Im fixated on.
DR: Yea, and that feeling like youre completely divorced of my reality, it almost
feels like an imposition of your power, just very unconsciously an imposition of your
power, thats the one that made me most angry. Get the most-
BB: Violation.
DR: Just like, I need to put you in your place. Not so much violation, just like, this
dog is smaller than me, get away from me. As opposed to, ew, you got inside me.
Or creeped out or this kind of thing.
BB: So just to clarify, what I want you to take away from this is that just the quality
of your gaze, which is formed by your relationship to your own desire and your own
sexuality, you can create the experience of either having the woman feel completely
warm and open inside, like theres honey moving through her body, or you can have
her feel like youre humping her leg like a small dog.
DR: And I need to put you in your place. And then the third one, which was the-
BB: Leching-
DR: Lecherous.
BB: You liked that one a little better.
DR: That was the one where I felt some turn-on, I could feel you in your body. I felt-
there was some objectification, like, objectifying of me, but it didnt make me angry.
DC: A little objectification can be fun. For a night.
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BB: A one-night-stand, as you said.
DC: Or for a minute.
DR: At this point in my life, I wouldnt approach you and be really excited about it,
but I would enjoy it if you were in a bar. Yea, Im hot. I know that! Hmm. Pause
and breathe on that one. And there was this part that you werent giving me.
BB: Is that heart? Is that whats missing in lech?
DR: Enough of himself. There was like, singular desire. And when you talk about the
internal experience of being able to bring heart and cock, thats whats happening for
you over there. What Im experiencing is only sex is available here. Which is just
whats coming up in my world. I dont see you as the uncle who cries. I dont see you
as the good son, and I dont see you as the great chef, like, youre not dynamic.
BB: A one-trick pony.
DR: So if looking for connection, youre not going to be it. If Im looking to

masturbate with your body, I might take you home.
BB: Thank you. Great work, that was wonderful. Danger Riley everyone. (Danger
exits) So weve got leering and ogling and leching, but were actually not teaching
those things, so I thought-
DC: Really? I dont have anything for you, then.
BB: Decker Cunov, champion lecher everyone. I wanna actually create the
counterpoint to so guys can see whats possible. So if you can identify the
components of how it feels in your body when you are connected to shared
humanity, when you are rested in yourself, rested in your back body, in your spine,
with the integrity of what it is that your intentions are and just lay that out, we have
Danger here behind the camera for you to put your attention on, and then just share
what your experience is, and then Danger, well also have you share what your
experience is in your body.
DC: Alright. So first thing I want to do is- it is my spine, when I just stop doing
anything and I- okay, lets see if I can really give the- my turn on my subjective
experience is immediately Im aware of the fact that Im about to connect with a
woman, and the last thing I wanna do is make the connection about this interview or
about this DVD or any of that. Thats the opposite of what I enjoy. So the first thing
Im gonna do is forget about the camera, forget about any of that stuff, and Im not
doing anything, and as soon as Im not doing anything I immediately become aware
of this- theres this zing of energy goes down my spine. Its a little numb in my
cervical for some reason.
BB: Is that from the motorcycle accident? Decker just got in a crash the other day.
DC: And I just adjusted a vertebrae and I swear I can actually feel more energy here
now. And it goes all the way down to my tailbone.
44
BB: Theres just one piece on that- guys, get that from someone who women
regularly report that they feel like theyre melting just by how he looks at them,
where hes putting his attention on is his body and any places where hes not as
embodied as he could possibly be. Including certain vertebrae in his spine. Sogo to
your chiropractor regularly, we actually have some affiliate partnerships if you check
the website. But really thats an important piece and I know that Ive been working
on cultivating integrity in my life, and it keeps coming back to the spine. Even these
abstract principles like integrity, its amazing how they map over to specific aspects
of our bodies. Like power, when were feeling power, its suddenly like (hand on
center) right here, and theres always physical components to any way we have of
relating to a woman including just being connected to the strength of our convictions
and what were really committed to, which relates to the spine. So please continue.
DC: Thats the first thing Im aware of. And thenit feels like the center of me.
Tailbone to- all the way up to my skull, and then, from there, theres a current of
electricity that fans out, and I can feel vitality or energy seeping into my arms or
legs, seeping into my feet, my hands, into my face. And then if it fans too much, Ill
notice Im not aware of my spine anymore, so theres a trueing up, you have to
calibrate until you find that perfect balance where you feel all of it. And then my face
is still dead, so if I engage my core muscles, where Im not pinched, to sit up. Sitting
up without having to hold myself up.
BB: The body is stacked up over itself. The spine- the vertebrae are stacked one
over the other.
DC: Then my face, and this is all before Im putting any attention on her, suddenly I
can feel my face more, its easier to smile. Its easier to find something funny.
BB: I find a natural smile, as Ive been going through this with you, suddenly Im
naturally smiling.
DC: All that is just a general practice for me. And then the next thing I would do-
what I am doing right now is even becoming aware of her before I look at her, and
noticing what I feel like, being aware of her. And as Im enjoying feeling her, which
is really feeling me feeling aware of her, I am actually inclined to connect with her
more, which Im gonna just look at her.
BB: Where is your awareness right now, Decker?
DC: Im looking at her eyes.
BB: Notice how when your attention went out there a little bit, you lost the spine for
a moment.
DC: A bit. What Im enjoying is a confirmation, so when Im down here away from
her, what I got is a sense of a feisty little- when are you gonna stop talking about
this crap, and how long am I gonna stand here? So a little ornery-
DR: I dont know about ornery, but a little impatient.
DC: Yes. But not impatient in a domineering kind of way, it felt feisty, like it might
jab or do something-
45
DR: Is all of that necessary?
DC: Yes. Yep.
BB: And so now, as youre with her, youre getting confirmation, did you say?
DC: Yep.
BB: Danger is glowing right now.
DC: If we were in a bar, I couldnt have actually verbally confirmed that, I wouldve
played back, I wouldve mocked her, or I wouldve just (shrugs his shoulders) what?
I would actually just respond and make it explicit that I am aware of you, I feel that.
DR: I felt it when you were aware of me before looking at me. I felt that attention.
BB: I could tell as soon as Decker said Im aware, or even a little before that, I felt
Danger smile. I saw her starting to light up. Even before he looked at her.
DR: Like it was my turn now.
BB: And so whats your experience right now, Danger, as hes regarding you?
DR: Im just enjoying it. A lot of pleasure, a lot oflike I was getting impatient, and I
could feel my hands were getting cold, and it was like, Im just standing here next to
the camera, Im gonna knock something over, and now Im like, ooh this is fun. I
like to be invited, I feel you in my heart. I feel a lot of appreciation coming from you
and a lot of love for you. Were not to the sexual space.
DC: I actually, if this was a stranger, for a lot of you single guys, if I was just
meeting her, I wouldnt be inclined to fuck with this much. This is something to enjoy
for awhile.
DR: This could turn into sex without it feeling sexual.
DC: Yes.
DR: It feels like the wind is blowing through me and Im just along for the ride.
BB: This is just from a gaze, guys.
DC: If I wanted to explore a little bit, if this unfolds in more playful, non-verbal
playful glances or gestures or sticking your tongue out or whatever, anything playful,
I can relax, cause theres a beaming quality that I can still feel, but relax, just sink
down lower in my body, we can explore what happens with that, for me the energys
going- its not quite as zingy-
DR: I can start feeling you in my legs or feel you like sink into my hips-
DC: Yep.
DR: It feels more risky here. Tat like, you gotta know that you are solid in order to
be in this energy. The other space of being bright, I think that was a really good
46
word of being bright and lit up. It felt like you could do anything and all I would do is
just laugh with joy and wanna like hold you close. This- youre in a space where like,
my feelings have been hurt before, and Ive been here before and Im not sure I
liked the way it ended. And so, Im gonna feel a little less trust for you. A little more
vulnerable. A LOT more vulnerable.
DC: And for me, my natural response to caution is, good to know, and immediately
let it gothen allow more heart-level connection to happen. Its almost like, cool. its
good to know thats there.
BB: So what we heard is depending on where Deckers putting the attention and
awareness in his body, your body responds differently. So if hes putting awareness
on his spine and then puts his attention on you, well initially thats how it was, and
you felt more of a brightness and more of a loving, playful, joyful energy, and then
as he brought his energy down into his body, brought more awareness to his lower
body, you were feeling that, feeling more of a turn-on, but also kind of a caution,
kind of a woah, this feels vulnerable, more sensitive, Ive been- theres places that
youve been hurt in the past, so it starts to kind of warn you, like, woah, were
getting into potential danger territory-
DR: No, its just tender. When you sink down into the sexual energy of your body,
and you invite me to feel that with you, the feeling is that Id better trust you a lot,
cause I may be going somewhere really vulnerable. I feel like that kind of opening in
my heart, and so that energy feels incredibly intimate, and its not as fun and bright
anymore, and just sort of just the most bright, wonderful energy here (heart) and
theres sort of that abyss sucking us down, and when we move into the abyss
together, that can be the most amazing, trust-inspiring thing, but also, if you betray
that trust, if you say Im showing up to hold your tenderness and engage you on this
level with my open heart, and you let me down, thats not easy to forgive.
BB: Mmm. Thank you.
DC: Ill tell you one thing thats crucial about this for me, is that its a moment by
moment dance. And when I felt you willing to drop into a raw place and a little more
careful, I started narrating again, I was like, oh lets bring it back up bright, I never
went that bright again- it was getting more and more clear that- even though it was
raw, and you werent sure about it, to move away from it was not-
DR: It was kind of a betrayal of trust.
DC: It was a loss, yea.
DR: It was like, thats not okay.
DC: Instead of being willing just to be there with you. And I felt that. And I want that
to be the biggest thing for anyone watching this is just to get that- dont think that
any one thing that we did- if shed be in a different mood tomorrow and have a
different response, who knows? But its the process of noticing with yourself, with
her, and exploring, and theres more connection available moment by moment, and
its fun, but it requires you to let go of your scripts completely. Let it go. Not only the
script, let go of the inclination to have a script. Its the opposite of what you want.
And if you can do that, you have to pay attention, but the richness is- never boring.
Never dull.
47
DR: Its never dull.
BB: Thank you.
DR: Any man who can get and understand that his desire is not an imposition on me,
and that my response to his desire is not an evaluation of him, a lot of things
become possible out of that. With that man. Any man who can understand that were
two worlds meeting, and we each come with our own jambles and feelings and
experiences and theres no answer, theres no right way to do it, theres no right way
to do it- is a man who can get what he wants. Is a man who I want to get what he
wants.
DC: Yea, theres whole other volumes. Weve only gotten to awareness of each
other, and eye contact, and then non-verbal gestures. Thats three of a dozen ways
into this, though theyre the first ones, so I think theyre the most important ones,
and theyre also setting the tone for the other ones so Id love it if, rather than trying
to cover all of them, just to make sure that you guys get that they are setting the
tone for infinitely more intricate and subtle and rewarding progressions and that its
basically the same art form. I think that will serve you well, itll-
BB: The same principles guide every stage of the interaction.
DC: Totally. They evolve, but theyre basically the same essence. And really-
authentic sexuality takes a little bit of time. For you to stop and get what matters to
you- get the economy going down and stuff coming up for people and rifles are out
of stock everywhere, people are buying firearms and its kind of cool to see people
kind of getting smacked out of autopilot mode, intoif suddenly theres no food or
not gas or whatever into, what are we gonna do? whos my crew and where are we
gonna go and can we find food? can we hunt? or- I dont know how to find fish, do
you? That process of waking up is, I think, crucial. Even in a bar. It seems a little
overly significant, but the more reality I lend to something, the more authentically
playful Im gonna be. This may be the last night we have, if were gonna go to this
damn place, I can barely hear, the musics so loud, lets make sure we enjoy
ourselves for christs sake, I mean there is a genuine energy that comes up from
reality, and thats why I had to let go of the DVD, I had to let go of- at least in
moments, teaching you guys anything to, okay, the last thing I wanna do is
demonstrate for you guys how to do connecting with her as a demonstration for
something. Thats half of what we do in real life is this half-assed kind of playing
along, playing a game thing instead of dropping everything and having a real
concrete connection.
BB: Without all the filters that obscure an authentic, naturally arising, dynamic
experience.
DC: Yea, its a little heavy at first. Reality is like, oh shit. Its sobering. But from
sobriety, theres an authentic playfulness and celebration. Im celebrating with you
not because, hey lets do it, and lets yell and toast a lot because thats what youre
supposed to do, were celebrating because theres something to actually celebrate
here. Its a whole other ballgame thats well worth the time it takes to sink deeper
into once you go there.
48
BB: It feels so vulnerable. When I imagine living from the place youre describing, it
feels- its so unmitigated, theres so many filters of like, oh youre here, were
relating, okay were now filming this product, theres layers that we can hide behind,
and it feels like, by stripping all those away, its like having no shocks on the car.
Like you feel every bump and every nuance of whats happening. But it does create a
crispness and an aliveness that Im hearing you speaking to.
DC: Yea. And out at a club, where theres a raised stage that everyones crammed
up on trying to dance on the stage, theres people just kind of mindlessly like, oh
this is the place to be, and for me, the art form is to just enjoy being there in some
way, and being the one who when someone gets knocked off the stage, being like,
oh!, helping them, and theyre like, thank you. Theres a genuine thank you that
feels great. Thats ground zero. From there, Im automatically more aware of my
body, Im aware of those behind me, not just something out there in front of me. All
of these things kick in naturally, when your life is real. And then, thats just the
starting point, and then youve got a whole other person, and who knows where
shes at?
BB: Its so complex. Sometimes when we talk about this stuff, Im like, wow, I have
no business even talking to anybody, I mean to be really embodied, to really be
operating from a place of really retaining an awareness of my body while relating to
others, I just am really aware of how complex, like you said, at each level, theres
orders of magnitude, like beyond even what do I have to say to her, thats a whole
other universe-
DC: Dont even go there yet.
BB: Theres just so much there, its amazing that we- without all these filters, its
amazing that we would get anything.
DC: Well, its complex to the degree that youre trying to understand it or marriage
it-
BB: Or fully experience it.
DC: I dont think its that complex. Its like youre hiking on some trail, and you
actually stop, kneel down and see a little flower, and at first it was just a flower, and
then you stop and you realize, look at the perfect way the petals are curving and the
way they spiral into each other is phenomenal, and then the filaments, the pistil, and
then if you look at the filaments, they have all these little dots on them, and each
one of those has a speculum, and its like thats just one, and theres countless of
those filaments, and so that complexity just went, whoosh, and then thats just one
flower, and then theres a field of that flower, which is infinitely complex, and then
theres the whole forest, and then you can scale out and youre rocked by it, but Im
not trying to keep track of all those complexities, Im just rocked. Youll
automatically be experiencing that, by just starting by opening those filters, and
landing where youre at, and then letting the dance present itself. Youre not trying
to keep track of it.
BB: Its a relaxing opening as opposed to, hows my body, wheres my spine,-
49
DC: -and then what about her? Yea. Its not that. Its not that. All those things
show themselves naturally when you relax and be yourself. And then see what its
like when you bring it back to her.
BB: Its a lot easier.
DC: Good. Good.
BB: So just tying that back into the notion of masculine desire, accessing our power,
etc., what Im really hearing, and this is such a great piece is inside of, setting the
context for this entire thing of opening to my sexual desire is this isnt at all a, Im
gonna work on it, Im gonna crack this baby open, its a relaxing open and a
relaxing into a discovery of our desire, and being open to- being curious as to how it
arises in relationship to people that we meet, as opposed to, Im gonna be in touch
with my desire, and then women are gonna be attracted to me, and were gonna
have this polarity that looks like this, theres no- that is not a recipe that you can-
that is not a co-creation at all. And so theres a contrived, inauthenticity to that built
right in from the beginning. And thats always the paradox with listening to a
program like this, or even listening to mens dating advice, mens self-help or
anybodys self-help, between the desire and the allowance. This is what I want, and
Im allowing whatevers there to arise in unison with that. So just to boil that down
into something concrete for you to take away, notice any of the pre-conceived
notions that you have about how a man thats in touch with his sexuality is supposed
to relate with women. Notice any of the places where you think you need to do
something in order to create a specific experience with women, and consider this as
an exploration and an inquiry into discovering what your sexuality and your desire is
and how it shows up for you, and consider that your sexuality and desire may be just
an expression of the same curiosity and openness that arises whenever you look at a
flower. Whenever youre making your way through the rest of your life. Its just an
aspect of that expressing itself. And not necessarily something that we have to focus
on and get, like do surgery on to get into.
DC: Wait a minute, there are five per flower, and theres approximately a hundred
flowers- youre not keeping track.
BB: Its not an intellectual exercise. Just remember- go back to- remember when
those kinds of magical experiences arise, theres an awareness in the spine. Simple
things like that, like an awareness of me in my body, and then a curiosity naturally
arising of who is this other being here. And a curiosity about where the interaction
will unfold to. So as were wrapping up this recording, my natural tendency is to say,
heres a practice that you go do to take this into your life. And I think those are
really valuable, actually. And my inclination on this one is Im starting to realize
theres a distinction in how we grow and evolve, and one of them is through doing,
like, Im going to do this practice, and Im going to deepen this, and Im gonna build
the muscle, Im going to work the muscle of this, and thats one way of evolving.
And thats one way Ive been really impacted by myself, is just the power of what I
call transmission, where theres just something that gets transmitted through a way
of being, and that doing is educational, or informational, and being or transmission is
more transformational. Thats something that I cant go out and do and expect to get
a being result. That just by listening to this and maintaining an open receptivity to
whats been shared here, that is maybe what would most powerfully serve you.
Without taking this into a specific practice, you just allow whats been shared here to
be absorbed, and youll find yourself naturally responding in new ways.
50
DC: So you can actually ask yourself now, how much did I allow myself to be
impacted by these interactions, by this DVD, by this half hour?
BB: And go back and listen to it again. Or put it- just listen to the audio version and
let it run, and it will start to seep in, it will start to seep into your being-ness, so that
youll start to find yourself naturally operating from this place, as opposed to this big
bunch of stuff you have to keep tabs on, like how many flowers there are in the field.
DC: If you allow it to.
BB: So thats it for our interview. Thanks for coming.
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Advanced Sexual Power DVD #4
Beyond the G-Spot

Cutting-Edge Advanced Sexual Technique
with Alex Allman
BB: Welcome back to another interview in our series on the topic of accessing your
masculine sexual power and your sexual desire, Ive got with me here, on the phone,
Alex Allman. And Alex Allman is a sexpert- thats such a great buzzword- and hes
been teaching men about how to access their power and access their full self-
expression in the bedroom for several years now- hes a good friend of mine, weve
become really close over the last several months actually, and weve talked quite a
bit, and hes interviewed me on a couple of topics, and Ive gotten to come to really
respect and trust Alex for his integrity, his commitment to authenticity, and he
shares many of the same values that we have at AMP around being present, being
authentic, and Im looking forward to digging in with you, Alex, on some of the topics
around men supporting and accessing their sexual desire and their sexual
expression, sowelcome! first of all.
AA: Thank you, Bryan. I appreciate your kind introduction, and I feel welcome
indeed.
BB: Can you just give us any other pieces about your background, I havent really
explored much of what that is for you, so Im curious to hear- what is your
background, and you can include with that how you came to be where youre at, in
terms of offering advice as your career for men about gaining facility with their
sexuality.
AA: Sure, yea, its- its not really an interesting story, to be honest with you, I
essentially grew up in a neighborhood, where I was the only boy that was in walking
distance of my neighborhood. So at school, I had male friends, but if I wanted to
play after school, then- my mom worked, so somebody elses mom would have to
drive them to my place or pick me up and wed all go to the mall and the movie or
something, but for the most part, at that elementary school, the vast majority of
friends that I played with were girls. And I just got socialized that way- it just
seemed like girls were people that werent entirely threatening or weird to me. I can
play Barbie like a motherfucker, but honestly, strangely, I didnt really learn to catch
and throw that well. Ive never been a great athlete, but actually, most of the sports
that Im involved in today, as an adult, or that I picked up later, in high school, were
the kinds of sports that boys pick up later in life. So I took up boxing, and I took up
fencing, you know, to this day, if I try and play basketball, it bounces off my foot,
cause I was hanging with girls. And I think I have facility to speak girl. And it
sounds like English to other English speakers, but I think we know that theres
52
emotional spins, theres a difference, theres a way that women communicate, and I
was socialized that way, and as I kind of got into more macho stuff, and I hit
puberty, and then, of course, the girls were sort of a very different thing for me, and
I started seeing them through a very different lens- but I had this other facility, to
sort of hang out with them, and I was very welcoming, and that communication
really served me, and it developed me sexually in a different way, and I understood
their sexuality more powerfully, so as I developed my masculinity, I took up things
like boxing, and I understood the world of men, I also had this understanding of the
inner world of women, and I think that that- but, of course I cant know, but I do
believe that I had a very natural ability for sexuality, and it was never scary for me, I
always really embraced it, when other guys would make dick jokes or gay jokes, you
know, heh heh, I kind of looked at them like, am I not getting it, or are they really
kind of dumb? and to this day, theres a disconnect when a bunch of guys are
hanging out doing that kind of joking around sex, like, whats funny? Well, the only
thing that would make it funny if sex were somehow weird or something that we
should be uncomfortable with, and thats what makes it kind of a snickering subject.
And sometimes I actually, in many social situations, I feel enough social pressure
from the group of men that Ill fake it, Ill laugh along, and I dont really get it.
BB: Yea. Its not funny for you.
AA: Yea, and that comfort level really translated for me in the bedroom, and I think I
was doing things for women in the bedroom that were really kind of blowing their
minds, they were saying that to me, and I just thought, oh this is what women say.
this is what women say. Like every guy, at some point, will go down on his
girlfriend, and say, oh baby, you taste so good. you dont taste like other women,
youre better. you know? you taste delicious. And thats kind of something that men
do. And so I thought, well, this is just what women do. Women say, holy crap, Ive
never been with a lover like you before, what the fuck just happened? I was like,
oh, thats what women say, it didnt occur to me there was a difference. And there
were a couple clues along the way that something different was happening, you
know, when roommates, at college age, theyd be outside the door, and theyd hear
some crazy shit going on, and theyd come in after and say, dude, what the fuck
were you doing to her? what was that? And I started getting the clue, woah, Im
good at this. And I knew I didnt have a particularly big penis, or anything as
ordinary, crass, or predictable as a big dick, or, you know, marathon capability or
any of the stuff that we normally think of. Or even great techniques, which I had, of
course, I was curious about, and Id read all the books, you know, how to find the g-
spot, and that stuff, I mean, everybody was doing that stuff- there was something
different. Something different was going on.
BB: This is going to be a very interesting conversation.
AA: I hope so.
BB: So going back, you said there was something about- you said that you thought
youd developed a very different relationship to sexuality that was not the way that
some guys related to their sexuality. And Im curious to hear from you, what exactly
is it that had you- you know, a lot of guys they grew up with shame, or closure or
tightness or guilt around sexuality, but I didnt hear any of that in your description of
how you grew up, is that the case?
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AA: That is pretty much the case. Now that isnt to say that- theres some normal
stuff thats wired into me, and Ive had some normal experiences, in fact, in the
interview that I did with you, which was fucking spectacular, you talked a bit about
an experience that you had in second grade that was kind of formative for you, you
were humiliated in front of a girl that you had a crush on, I went through all that
stuff, I did do that. Probably later than second grade, cause in second grade, I was
hanging out with the girls, and the girls were so much closer to me than the boys,
because those were the people I hung out with after school, that at recess a lot of
times, when the boys all went to play catch, I was just hanging out with the girls.
So, which was, socially a little awkward, I mean, I got picked on a lot by the men
because of that- by the boys, but they kind of grew out of that. Then, when I hit
puberty, it was the first time I remember it was at somebodys bar mitzvah, which
for, if youve never heard of a Jew- I lived in a very Jewish neighborhood, bar
mitzvah is the big 13th birthday party, really the peak of puberty there, and I
remember walking back to a group of girls, cause I wanted to dance, and it was the
first time, and these were my friends, you know, so I was walking up to this group of
girls to ask them to dance, and I think the DJ said, come on guys, wheres your
guts? go over and ask one of the girls to dance! and I was like, yea, sure, of
course. And I started walking towards them, and the girls started giggling, giggling
nervously, and I could feel that energy, and they looked at each other and went, oh
my god hes coming, oh my god hes coming, and they all ran away. Maybe they
were just freaked out because I was their friend, or maybe they were freaked out
because they didnt want to dance with a boy, but I took it pretty seriously, that
definitely impacted me the rest of my life. I feel approach anxiety, like any other
guy. I think one of the differences, and, of course, this is way off the topic of sex,
but something that Ive noticed in hanging out with the dating coach community,
which is not at all my background, but Ive hung out with those guys and they talk
about approach anxiety, and one of the things that Ive always embodied, Im kind of
a thrillseeker, and I like roller coasters and I like any new place Ive never been
before, and I like, kind of, being out of my element and off balance and thats fun for
me, and I like the feeling of adrenaline, thats kind of fun for me- a lot of people get
it from driving fast or whatever- I dont understand why a man would enjoy a roller
coaster, but not enjoy approaching a strange woman and feeling those butterflies.
BB: Yea. Its like jumping out of an airplane.
AA: To me, that is a beautiful life experience. I love it- I do enjoy approaching
women. I wouldnt say Im particularly good at it, Im no pick-up artist, but the
approach anxiety I feel Ive made a lot of peace with.
BB: Cool. Not so much shame as youre really socialized to be really comfortable
around women to begin with, and for whatever reason your relationship to sexuality
just seemed to follow, to weave naturally in, and it occurs just through your relating
with so completely, you felt really attuned with women in ways that you were really
able to be in touch with them and their bodies, or something about the way you were
relating with them made a real difference for them in the bedroom, which is what Im
interested in digging in to find out more about with you, and specifically as it relates
to- as men who are listening or watching this- that we can look for guideposts along
the way that youve discovered that will support them in deepening in their access to
their sexual power, their sexual desire, their sexual expression, so Id love to hear
what it was that you started to distinguish that was different about you in your
interactions with women and how that relates to what I just mentioned.
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AA: Well, I had to start really digging into and trying to figure this out, there came a
point, where, I was writing for Hollywood for awhile, and the life of a writer is tough,
I spent a lot of time as a bartender, I guess I wasnt really good enough of a writer
or I didnt have the right connections or whatever- I was definitely running low on
money and I started doing some freelance writing, and I had become friends with
Evan Kegan, who is David DAngelo, and he has sold billions of dollars worth of his e-
book, and hes the guy who said to me at lunch one day, listen, do some freelance
writing for me, because you seem to know something about this subject, and you
have an ease with women, so I did some freelance writing for him, and I started
writing articles about sex, because it seemed like something that would be
comfortable for me. And thats when I first started digging in, when I first started
trying to make distinctions like, whats really going on here? and by the time he
said, I want you to write a book about this, I think that you could do well, and Ill
help you, Ill just show you how to get started in the internet business, that was
kind of the beginning, and then I said, wow I really have to try and reverse engineer
what it is Im doing, and I need to do a lot more research. Now as I said, I was
interested in the subject already, as I said, Id read the books and articles on where
the g-spot was, one of the things that encouraged me from the get-go was a lot of
times I would read these articles and I would say, why thats exactly wrong! thats
just exactly wrong! and Id read something and Id say, well that works on 1 in 3
women, or Id say, well that works on half of women, or that works on 8 out of 10
women, but 2 out of 10 cant stand it! They hate it! And it began to occur to me that
none of these things treat women as individuals. People. As stars of their own show.
BB: Dude, I just got a whole insight into your world when you were like, that only
works on 1 in 3 women, like that youve been mentally mapping this over, like
mapping what works and what doesnt just naturally. Its been just a natural
inclination of yours. For you to be able to access that database of experience in your
mind, to play it back in terms of how you relate with these women.
AA: Yes, and I think, to say something as universally obvious as- and Im playing
this in my head and I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but I love sex. It sounds
ridiculous, because of course everybody loves sex, but some for different reasons-
BB: Some people arent able to be so forthright and outspoken about it, like, I love
sex! I love it! Just to state it like that.
AA: But its a statement of the obvious, right? I mean everybody loves sex, and so-
BB: I think a lot of people have a love-shame relationship with sex, I think a lot of
people- they may on some level enjoy it, but theres a lot of baggage or a lot of
mixed feelings that a lot of guys have around that, but I hear what youre saying.
Please continue-
AA: There came a point for me of- theres a lot of different things to love about sex,
and one is the masturbatory element. Your penis is going into something soft and
wet and it feels tremendously good. Theres that. And, of course, you can do that
with lube your hand as well, but, you know, that. And then theres the ego thing, you
know, all the other dudes need to know that Im getting some and thats real. And
Im not immune to it. And when I walk out with my girlfriend everyday, dude, your
girlfriends so hot! I dont mind that, you know? I feel it. But theres another reason
that I love sex, which is this intimacy, and communication, this give and take, and
feeling my way through her body, what shes feeling, and then opening myself to
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allow her to feel her way into me and experience me. And to do this is an act of
enormous opening, and enormous paying attention, and thats the piece where
suddenly it makes no sense to do any technique. Every technique you could do
becomes, by definition, wrong. As soon as you go, okay, so Im gonna do that thing
where I gently lick her clitoris, I insert a finger, and I do the come here motion on
the g-spot, you know, everybody knows that, right? Its one that everybody talks
about because women dig it. On a physical level. But as soon as youre doing that,
youre not a great lover. Youre a mechanically proficient lover, but youre not a
great lover. Every other guy has done that with her, thats the thing, and you think,
oh she had an orgasm, Im awesome! guess what- she had an orgasm with
everybody, youre not even halfway there. Youre not experiencing anything like
what you could be experiencing- for me this dialogue of the bodies- this non-verbal
dialogue of the bodies became a beautiful piece of my life, and thats why I say
different women are so different and I was investigating them not as a g-spot and a
clitoris, and what fantasy turns her on- thats not the way I was exploring this, I was
exploring this as a person and a person and opening to each other and knowing each
other. And its a totally different mindset, its a totally different sexual experience,
and for women, its something that, by and large, they never experienced with any
other man in the past, and if they did experience it with him, theyre married to him.
You know, they didnt let him go, they found a way to hang onto him. Or that was
the guy that crushed the spirit out of her and now shes somebody everybody just
feels bad for because she never got over John, or whoever it was. Because they
dont get that- they never get that.
BB: And so youve found you unlocked some of the aspects or some of the
components of what makes for that kind of extraordinary experiences.
AA: I think I have, and certainly there are proficiencies that count. You know when I
set out to write a book, I realized that I couldnt lead with- the stuff that Im talking
about with you is because youre Bryan, and because you get it, and I know you get
it on a fundamental level, and I assume that students of yours have been through
your thinkings and your learnings, so Im talking now at a high level because I
assume the guy Im talking to is not the average guy that finds me on the internet,
this is a high level guy. So- sure I packed my book with all the techniques youd find
in Cosmo. Its in there, and I think you need general proficiencies, you should know
how to master your own body, controlling your ejaculation, thats just baseline.
BB: We encourage a lot of that.
AA: And you should know your way around a womans anatomy, I think thats
baseline. Thats the beginning. Thats the beginning. And then learning how to build
intimacy and understand whats really going on in love-making, whats really
happening there. Even on a one-night stand, by the way. This is not- I would argue-
just before we got on the call you were saying that somewhere else on this program
you were talking about the difference between fucking, having sex, and making love,
and I would argue that that is a school of philosophy that people have been talking
about for thousands of years, at least as long ago as Platos Symposium, so more
than two thousand years people have been talking about that, and I think theres a
lot of room for discussion. I have my own ideas on it, and I do think that there is a
clean difference in the approach, that can happen even on a one-night stand. And
that somebody- that two strangers can meet and share a beautiful moment of
intimacy, and they know theyre never gonna see each other again. You know, Im
out of town, and this person we connect, and we realize were never gonna see each
56
other again, its just logistically ridiculous, and were not gonna build a strong
enough friendship to have that make sense, but we have a chemistry- were
connecting, and we end up back at her room or my room, and something magical
can happen there thats not just an act of mutual masturbation. It doesnt have to
just be a simple fuck. Theres nothing wrong with that, Im not bad-mouthing it, but
theres another level, theres another way of connecting.
BB: Yea, and Im holding this inside of the context that by us discovering these- by
exploring these deeper levels, just by having an awareness of this, this is gonna
transform a guys ability to relate with women from the moment he walks up to talk
to her, like if hes really aware of what he has to bring to the table in terms of the
depth of connection that he can bring to a woman sexually and intimately, thats
gonna transform the way he walks, the way he talks to her, the way he gets her
phone number, the way he takes her out, that impacts all areas of the courtship,
then dating and mating process. So in your experience Alex, the students that youve
worked with- does that match your experience? That guys who study how to really
rock it in the bedroom and how to be really proficient in those arenas, that that
translates to earlier points in the interaction?
AA: Well, it depends on who they study it with and what their idea of great sex is.
Theres a lot of sex teachers out there.
BB: No, I meant people whove studied with you, or in your personal experience?
AA: Absolutely. Absolutely. In many ways, it doesnt necessarily make the interaction
smoother, easier, or better. It makes it different. And what I mean by that is theres
a certain thing we do. We posture. To appear comfortable, confident, masculine- we
do it automatically. Students of yours probably have more going on- they probably
know how to get in their body and control their energy and calm themselves, and all
the things that you guys teach, but we do stuff. We do stuff that were conscious of
because were talking to a woman. And theres a certain thing that we want to do,
we want to make her think that were gonna be a good ride, we wanna make her
think that we have some sexual whatever. We make some sexual innuendo, a joke,
theres stuff that we do to try and signal that were sexually interested and that
were a sexual being, and that sex with us might be really really good. Of course,
some men do the opposite, because they feel like if they do that theyll chase her
away and they end up keeping them in the friend zone, because they pose no sexual
threat. The point is that we do these things, but we dont do them authentically. We
dont do them authentically. When you know that the dialogue of your bodies is
already begun when youre talking to her, and when you understand how to
communicate with touch, and when you understand that the sexual experience
between you guys is gonna be an adventure for both of you, and you kind of go into
that knowing that this is not something that youre afraid of, not something that
youre afraid of, what it allows you to do is then be authentic about that part of the
interaction, not posturing and that does change things, I think its makes you more
comfortable, I think you end up with higher quality women. I dont think you end up
with more women, I think you can posture your way into bed with a lot of insecure
women, you know? But an authentic woman who has been attractive her whole life,
and has the confidence that thats built, she feels that she has a lot of social value,
and is also intelligent enough to know that thats not all she brings to the table.
Thats a powerful woman.
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BB: So what Im hearing is that in your experience, its not necessarily the quantity
of women that you bring, by studying this work in the bedroom is gonna go up, but
what you have found is that the quality of the women, in terms of her ability- the
amount of choice that she had- the women that have a great deal of choice in terms
of who they choose to partner with, or sleep with or have sex with- you start
attracting higher quality women because they can tell that their experience with you
sexually is gonna be a rewarding one.
AA: Yes, and I think that these women- the women that Im talking about are not
necessarily just the most attractive women, although frequently they are very
attractive, that gives them- they grow up, from the time theyre small, with people
going, oh look at her, shes an angel! shes so beautiful! Women like that have a
different experience of life, and theyre very very confident. Now somewhere along
the line, they may become consumed by that, and its the only thing that they have
to offer, and to cling to that as they get older, theyre gonna get crazy plastic
surgery until they look like complete freaks- we know that woman. And then theres
the other woman that sees it and gets it, and has some emotional responsibility
towards it. And to me, thats the highest quality woman, the woman that has some
self-awareness around it, what this attraction thing is, and is very self-aware. And I
think that these are the women that we all want, women that have a lot of
confidence and are emotionally stable, and have some awareness around why
theyre getting so much attention all the time.
BB: So thats great to hear. So if youre looking for a higher quality woman, if youre
looking for that kind of woman who youd really love to partner with, or you really
want a deep connection with, then learning to deepen your skills in the bedroom can
definitely lend itself to that. One of the things we always operate on, especially in the
AMP course, is we even have an exercise where we explore- where we say- women
are already predicting what you would be like in the bedroom from the very minute
you walk up to them, and they can tell down to a t what your challenges are, and
what youd be like in bed- whether youd be kind of jittery and nervous, whether
youd be overbearing and brutish or whether youd be kind of stiff and rigid, and not
able to flow with her, they can tell all that- and we have an exercise in the AMP
course where women just share with you how they would experience you in bed, and
its like bullseye everytime, and these women havent met these guys for more than
a few minutes, and so for you to actually no bullshit have the skills in the bedroom,
whether its through having access to your own body, having the self-awareness of
your own, baseline- having more ejaculatory control all the way into how to touch
women and having a sense of attentiveness and awareness- down to the information
of where is her g-spot, and what does foreplay look like, all lend themselves towards
those initial interactions. So I wanna jump into whats the thing, when those guys
bust into your dorm room and are like, dude- what are you doing with her? what
just happened, man? how can I have what you got? When you started to break
down this unconscious confidence that you have of this thing like, I dont know what
Im doing, I guess- it just seems to be working I thought women were just blowing
smoke up my ass, saying Im the best lover they ever had, but actually apparently I
am the best lover theyve ever had, what is it that you were doing that made such a
difference?
AA: Well, theres a patient absorption in what youre doing . It sounds- it is in fact so
simple, they say that if theres a complexity behind zen Buddhism, its that its too
simple. And thats why nobody can grasp it at first, its just too simple, and I think
this is a similar thing. It really does come out of paying attention. And I think I wrote
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my entire first book around this single concept and trying to show it in every
situation; heres what paying attention looks like in foreplay, heres what paying
attention looks like in seduction, heres what paying attention looks like with her
breasts, heres what paying attention looks like with erogenous zones, heres what
paying attention looks like during intercourse, because it is difficult in that its far too
simple. And paying attention turns out to be the key to so many things, including
ejaculation control- most men who are premature ejaculators or have performance
anxiety, all of these things are because theyre not paying attention, theyre paying
attention to their own thought stream, theyre so much caught in their own head.
And men have a particular way they think it should go down, they have a technique,
and they want to get to that technique, they want to get to the point where they can
blow her mind because they know where the g-spot is, and somebody told them
theres a great way to kiss a girl, so theyre gonna do this thing, and its gonna melt
her, so theyve got all these pre-formulated things, its not that different from having
a pick-up line all cued up, waiting to fall flat. And then not knowing where to go
next, because you have this whole idea of a routine in your head of what you were
gonna do and if it didnt work, if its flat, you dont really have anywhere to go, and
with sex, its just like that, because when you have all this stuff in your head, it may
or may not have anything to do with stuff is in her head. And if you are in the
moment with her and present, and paying attention, it takes you out of that stuff,
you dont need a lot of pre-planning. Pre-planning is the enemy of great sex. Its
much better to just go in and really feel whats going on. So there are a couple of
things that evolve- theres a couple of things that men begin to see, and one of them
is that certain erogenous zones arent erogenous zones until shes turned on. So
spots that are ticklish usually, there are areas you could touch that she finds
annoying when shes not aroused, but she loves when she is aroused.
BB: You know I just realized that with a woman Im dating, most of her body is
actually ticklish, and its frustrated cause I cant-yea, Im starting to realize that- like
her ears and her neck, the places that I like to go when were first warming up, she
cant handle it, so Im like, god, well thats off-limits- whats up? And then realizing
that after shes turned on that she does respond to those places- I had no idea, but
thats a great insight that youre having, that you just offered-
AA: Have you given her an orgasm there yet? At the risk of asking a really personal
question?
BB: Oh no, ask away- I havent given her an orgasm exclusively from touching her in
those places, are you saying thats-
AA: Yea, thats right there. So for guys in this situation, anyplace thats ticklish you
can give a girl an orgasm. Thats just the way that works. And so what youre gonna
want to do is- she needs to be turned on, and then you need to approach her very
very slowly and carefully instead of just digging in and have her like, raar! you
know, and the hair will be standing up on the back of her neck and shell have all her
nails stuck in the ceiling. So you have to approach it slowly and then you build, and
as it becomes overwhelming for her, and she gets that top-of-the-roller-coaster
feeling, which Ill explain in a second, when she gets that top-of-the-roller-coaster
feeling, like, holy crap, stop stop stop! as you get to that point- if you use your
frame to calm her and have her breathe through it, maybe even verbally saying,
just breathe, breathe into it, go with it, flow with it, or even non-verbally, by using
your body, by pushing your chest against her, holding her closer, then continually
you amp up the pressure, and then of course, find your rhythm and hold it, theres
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this huge tendency in men, this is a big, big trick- everybody pay attention to this
one- pay attention, cause this is huge, womens orgasms are very very responsive to
exact rhythms-
BB: Thats something I was reading in your e-book, and that intrigued me, Im really
interested-
AA: - and it may change with mood, it may change with erogenous zones, it may
change, but in the moment, when youre bringing her towards orgasm, when shes
going, wait wait wait, and shes sort of freaking out, theres this urge among men to
sprint to the finish, this is what we do, we sprint to the finish, if we feel like were
getting close, we go harder, faster, stronger, and thats when she goes, wait, Im
almost there, Im almost there- Im almost there? keep going, cause Im almost
there? cause you start to feel her falling out of it, cause youre doing something
different. The thing you were doing that was working, you stopped doing, you know-
thats what we do, we figure out what works and we immediately do something else,
so when you find that rhythm, just hold it, and encourage her with your body and
your words to surrender into it, to relax, to flow, to surf it, not to fear it, and shell
have an uncanny orgasm, because when women have non-vaginally located orgasms
for the first time, anytime you pop a new orgasm zone, the first time its so mind-
blowing that afterwards shell probably burst into tears, its such an uncontrollable
release, the first time she has an orgasm from the nape of her neck or the earlobe or
the inside of the elbow, or the inside of the wrist or you know about the third eye?
the center of the forehead? All of these places she can have an orgasm, all of them.
Theyre all accessible. But rhythm is key, and its key in intercourse, so I wanted to
power home this rhythm thing, cause its a very big deal, and paying attention
wouldve revealed it to you, but you were more caught up in your past experience of
sprinting to the finish. The past experience of sprinting to the finish in everything we
do, from an essay question on a test and were almost done and we wanna be done
so we can leave the room to play outside, to any kind of project were working on as
a group and we wanna finish as we get towards the end, and were like, come on,
lets get done with it! to a marathon, to any sport, its that, gut it out! were at the
end! gut it out! give it all youve got! and that pre-experience is not paying
attention, weve gotta get out of that pre-experience, its that rhythm thats working,
thats whats working, stay on it!
BB: But stay present also to where her experience is changing too, right? Because a
lot of times its like, oh, she liked it when I squeezed her nipple- honk honk honk
and we just keep doing that, until its like- were not in touch with oh thats actually
not opening her in the next moment.
AA: You just have to be in the moment with her and pay attention, but this thing
about rhythm, which, at some point, I made that distinction, and realized that
sprinting to the finish wasnt working, and I thought, well, Id better include this in
my material, and I put it out there, you saw it was on the material, well I get more
email on that from my couples- thats the couple one, thats not the one I get email
from men or from women- couples write into me like, holy crap! that little- because
she doesnt know either, she just knows that it was feeling good, and then it was
feeling almost as good, but not quite, but she doesnt necessarily know why that is,
and what happened there, and so, as couples come forward more and more saying it
was so much easier, and so much faster for her to get her first orgasm, and then,
you know, once she has her first orgasm, usually, for most women, its much easier
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to get the second and third and forth, and then they get more powerful, and they
actually begin stacking orgasms, so she gets into that continuous orgasm.
BB: Yes, and its interesting, as you were talking about that with couples, I was just
thinking that the level of trust that it takes for a woman to let go into those kinds of
orgasmic places, I would be surprised if they happen outside of a committed
relationship, or one where theres a lot of trust and their hearts are open. I mean
thats part of the challenge of like, right now Im in a single place in my life, but its
fun because Im experiencing a variety of different women, and I also miss the depth
of exploration and surrender that comes with having a committed partner, its not
that we have to be necessarily exclusive, but there is that depth of partnership, that
is that Im here, and Im gonna hold whatever unfolds for you emotionally.
AA: So let me pop a little what may be a limiting belief-
BB: Great, Im open to it.
AA: - this is a great little piece, and to some degree, of course, you know, youre
right, of course, but theres another piece that I think is really powerfully worth
mentioning, which is theres a level of intimacy that a couple can reach where the
greatest gift of sex becomes opening to, dare I use the word, the divine? There is a
point of erasing of ego because you know somebody so profoundly, and thats
spiritual, maybe thats psychological, maybe its biological, I dont know, I know that
this experience is out there- incredibly intense orgasms that require massive trust
and surrender, dont require that. They dont. In fact, you can have it in a one-night
stand. And the reason is this: sexual trust doesnt come from trustability. Trustability
as in, I know this man and hes somebody who I feel comfortable enough with to
kind of lose my mind and go a little bit crazy. Thats a big deal, right? That alone is
not really whats motivating her, and I use an analogy a lot- an airplane pilot, and
what does pilot trust look like? What does airplane pilot trust look like? Well, if this
guy was the most honest guy in the world, and you knew that he would never lie,
never cheat, never steal, he was an eagles scout, and just a good person who you
could trust with anything and you knew hed always have your back and you knew
hed never leave you behind, even if his own life was in the balance, hed never leave
you behind, youd probably really respect and admire this thing. But now if theres
another guy whos a gambler and a cheater and a schemer who just happens to have
piloted one of those airplanes that chases tornados and hurricanes and hes been in
the worst storms in the world and safely landed in 600 mph winds, in fact one time,
he was in an aircraft, the wing blew off and he still managed to somehow get
everybody out safely and alive, who has more pilot trust?
BB: The second guy.
AA: Not trust, pilot trust. Who do you want as your private pilot? Sexual trust is a
little bit like that, and it can be built in the moments of conversation before sex and
the moments of seduction and the moment you begin to peel her clothing off of her
body, and your reaction, where youre at, when she feels your competence and
comfort with this whole sex thing, because ultimately what allows her to experience
these orgasms is when she surrenders to you and surrendering to you means, you
know what? you seem to be better at this than me. You drive. Thats the point.
Thats really whats going on here. When she says, you know what? you drive? Let
me get- so to speak, land the plane, and bring this whole thing full circle- as I was
saying earlier that theres this sensation this woman has of being in a roller coaster,
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and being at the top of the hill before she has an orgasm, and the first time you go
on a roller coaster, and its new and scary and people are screaming on it, and youre
waiting on line and you can feel the nervous energy and the butterflies, cause you
know this is just gonna be a crazy ride thats going fast and upside-down and
backwards and people are freaking out and screaming on the ride, and you feel that
nervous energy, right? And you get in the car, and now its too late, because they
put that little bar down, and youre going up this hill, and youre going up higher and
higher and youre getting more and more nervous and youre freaking out, and as it
gets to the top it kind of slows down, and its just cresting over the top and this wave
of anxiety hits you where youre like, what the fuck have I done, get me off of this
fucking ride! but its too late, you know? Now imagine if roller coasters came
equipped with a little red button you could push if you just were really too
overwhelmed, and youd push this red button, and the roller coaster would stop at
the top of the hill and this elevator would come up and take you safely back down to
the ground, slowly and calmly on the elevator. You might not push that button. A lot
of women would. A lot of women would. In fact, a lot of men would, but lets face it,
a lot of women would push that button, a lot of people would push that button and
take the elevator down. Thats her experience as shes arriving towards a big
orgasm. A lot of women who have never had an orgasm in their life, are like, this is
whats going on, this and just this. And every man whos sexually active, whos had
more than a couple of partners has experienced the woman who, as shes really
getting into it, and youre thinking, wow, this is great, shes really getting into it,
and just as it feels like its gonna be great and shes gonna have an orgasm, she
clenches her thighs and pushes her hips back so you cant penetrate as deeply, or
she pushes your head away from her clitoris. Weve all been there, we know that
girl, because shes gotten to the top of the roller coaster, shes gonna have an
orgasm now, and its freaking her out. Its gonna be too big. Its not something shes
ready to handle in her body. And in that moment, if youve displayed the qualities
that make her feel what I call sexual trust, even if its a one-night stand, even if you
just met four hours ago at the hotel bar, shes gonna say, you know what? you drive,
and shes just gonna let you push her hand gently away from the red button, and
shes gonna hang on tightly to you as you go screaming down the hill, and it all
happens, and its bigger than anything shes ever experienced before because she
finally let go completely. And it doesnt take years of trust, it doesnt take a lot of
intimacy, its not intimacy in the way that we normally think of it, its a different kind
of intimacy, its a kind of deep-
BB: A trust that you can guide her.
AA: -and between two people, when a woman does this for you, even if youre not in
love with her, and youre not gonna marry her, and its not gonna be- of course that
in itself is its own very very special thing, but this is an unbelievable experience
when a woman surrenders that way to you. Its an unbelievable experience for her,
its an unbelievable experience for you, and it gives you a new sense of whats
possible between humans.
BB: Its one of the most rewarding experiences in the world. Its those moments.
And what are those qualities of sexual trustability that you see- have you broken
that down into something that guys can actually cultivate for themselves.
AA: To some degree. Theres a lot of subtlety to it, I think that Ive begun explaining
it, Ill try and explain it a little further, it has a lot to do with your comfort with your
sexuality- so I did a youtube video once that I called Mens Dirty Little Secrets- this
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thing kind of popped into my head- and I was like, wait a minute, and I immediately
jumped over to my webcam and I recorded a quick video, and its extremely
unpopular, nobody vibes on it, because its the truth, which is that men are afraid of
sex. Were obviously afraid of sex, thats why we joke about it so much , thats why
there are dirty jokes- whats funny about it? Theres nothing funny about sex, but we
all laugh about it, because were uncomfortable with it, and its the same reason that
soldiers right before a battle are all joking about death and how many people am I
gonna kill?
BB: Its the way we discharge anxiety.
AA: Right, exactly. Its that whole false bravado thing.
BB: I heard that monkeys, when theyre being chased by a tiger, theyll all head for a
tree, and if one of them gets caught down below, the tigers just tearing apart this
monkey and killing it, and the monkeys that are in the tree will just start laughing at
the monkey whos down on the ground getting eaten, theyll be laughing at their own
relative, and the animal psychologist said that its because theyre discharging all the
anxiety and tension and fear thats created in their bodies from being chased- it
suddenly just needs an outlet, and so theyre laughing. And we see that with people
who laugh at inappropriate moments, where its just like, why are you laughing right
now? and its this discharge of anxiety that were holding in our bodies. So Im
hearing what youre saying right now- back to sex-
AA: I remember after 9/11, there were moments where George Bush was caught on
camera smiling now and then, and a lot of my friends were liberal just despised him,
but I got it, I saw what it was, this little nervous smile as he was delivering his
speech, because he knew the gravity of his situation that his presidency was in, and
what he was gonna be called to task about, whether you believe that he handled it
well or that he mishandled it, a lot of people believe that he mishandled it, he was a
man under a lot of pressure- you know, babies will laugh if you accidentally trip and
hit your head and go ow! Babies will laugh. Thats kind of hard-wired into us. So-
the stuff that we fear and have anxiety about-
BB: -often comes out as laughter. Same thing with sex.
AA: And its calming that. Calming that and being comfortable with that. Being non-
judgmental of her body, not overly freaking out about the whole thing. And the
calmness in your touch. You communicate so much with your touch. The big piece
here is tentative vs. comfortable. And if you are speaking tentatively, if you seduce
tentatively, if you- by seduce, by the way- I was talking to somebody recently about
this- I think of seduction as a beautiful piece of dance with two partners- she who is
being seduced and enjoying what you are doing and digging it and egging you on,
and he who is leading her gently from were enjoying a moment, to were about to
be enjoying a sexual moment. To me, seduction is a beautiful piece of sex. And
someone was saying to me that the word seduce means youre tricking someone
into something. And I said, it does? And I guess there is that pejorative sense. I
just wanna be clear that when Im talking about seduction Im not talking about
tricking someone into having sex with you- but part of a natural interaction that
flows from the date, from dinner to the dance to the seduce, its just part of the
natural process that shes been looking forward to all week! Its not something shes
being fooled into! Shes hoping you did it beautifully. And if you do it beautifully,
without being tentative, and if you touch her without being tentative, then you will
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build profound sexual trust before sex. And this is every step of the way. Every step
of the way. This is like pilot trust. You know when somebodys confident- you know
in the way that they move in a task that they are master of it, or that they are, you
know, kind of working their way through it, not totally sure if this is the right answer
or that is that right answer- somebody whos an experienced, comfortable person
with what they do-
BB: You have a basic idea of the type of sexual experience that youre gonna be able
to create with them, thats gonna be available.
AA: Exactly. And when you approach sex with a calm elegance, you know whats
coming, and youre comfortable with itthats funny, I said a calm elegance- it could
be a throwdown! It could be that you guys have been turning each other on all night,
that on the dance floor she was grabbing your cock, at dinner you were fingering her
under the table- this happens to, where its so freakin on and youre so hot for each
other- a slow seduction at that point, is tentative. At that point, when you get
through the door, she wants you to tear her clothes off, throw her up against the
wall and fuck her, and that can be done with a beautiful confidence. And thats
exactly what she wants in that moment. At that moment, if you were paying
attention to her, you would know that teasing at this point is irrelevant, youve been
teasing her all damn night, youre done with that chapter! This kind of slow thing-
and I hear a lot of people talk about this as one of the great sexual secrets, and it
can be- this is just another example of beautiful technique where you dance all
around her vagina with your tongue, and then you touch it, and you milk this for half
an hour until shes going so crazy that she grabs you by the hair and forces your face
into her, and sure, thats great, but it can be totally wrong-
BB: Yea, I had it where I teased a woman for so long that she just shut down- she
was just like, fuck this-
AA: Because then shes aware that its art, and not authentic, not truth anymore,
just this thing you accrued that you were supposed to do-
BB: Or else I wasnt completely dialed into her, it was just like, well, Im enjoying
myself, but Im enjoying the control, or making her long for it, but not really dialed
into whats really gonna open the moment for the both of us-
AA: Which to some degree is valid, to some degree, in this case, Bryan, you err on
the side of better. Much better- you were dialed into your own selfish desire. I think
the vast majority of men, and its funny, women complain, men are selfish in bed,
thats bullshit. Men are insecure in bed and they pretend to be selfish, so that- and
its a whole headtrip. The truth is that men are too insecure in bed, too trapped in
their head of what they think they need to do. Too trapped in their own desire to
please- most men would be immediately better men if they were a little bit more
selfish- most men could use some improvement.
BB: So youve talked about how powerful it can be for a man to be sexually secure-
that a lot of times the challenges arent that men are selfish are unselfish, but that
theyre insecure in bed, so they default to pleasing her or they disconnect and just
focus on their own pleasure, etc. And that theres an opportunity for men to step into
feeling more secure and solid in their own abilities in the bedroom, and thats gonna
translate into the kind of trust that creates more and deeper orgasms for women,
even right off the bat, that has them be the quote unquote experienced pilot- what
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would you say to a guy, what kind of advice would you give to a guy who doesnt
have that backlog of experience necessarily, or a guy thats having some of those
experiences, but ways that he could make the most of those situations to accelerate
his experience and his level of confidence in himself in these arenas?
AA: Well, its gonna sound like Im avoiding the question, but the biggest answers,
the most important answers Ill lead with, and then Ill try to get more specific, but
the biggest answers that sound a bit like a cop-out are 1. listen to this interview
again and understand the mindset, I mean, knowing it is enough, but knowing it in
your bones. There are so many things like- you can tell a guy, look if you walk up to
that girl and say, hi, my names alex, its not gonna go that bad. You may not go
home with her and have sex with her, but nothing terribles gonna happen, youre
not gonna get hurt, theres nothing to be afraid of, just do it. But hell still be freaked
out because even though he knows it in his head, he doesnt know it in his bones,
and this is just something if you know it in your bones, youre good to go. So just
knowing it, refreshing it, being aware that this is a thing-
BB: And then just listening to this can transmit those realizations into your mind and
your body, if youre open to them.
AA: Cause every mans specific problem is gonna be something different. If a guy
came to me and said this is my thing, I could tell him- reading my book can do the
same thing for you, I think its a pretty good idea to just be a part of the Authentic
Man Program, cause you guys really delve into this all the time. Masculine identity
and being comfortable with it. Not trying to bullshit your way through it. If you try
and bullshit your way into being macho or Im great in bed, when you bullshit in that
direction, thats the worst possible solution- its the guy whos like, hey, you know,
Im not that sexually experienced, but I think you and I are gonna have some
chemistry, and Im really excited about the idea of getting you naked later and
touching your body, even though you may be more sexually experienced than me,
maybe youve been with guys who have more sexual experience than me- Im a little
nervous around you because I feel so much chemistry with you, and Im really
looking forward to experiencing what thats gonna be like when you and me naked.
Like that kind of authenticity, if a guy can do that, and just be calm and sincere in
where hes nervous, that in itself is twenty times more confident than other men.
And then, of course, a womans gonna really sexually respond to that very positively.
And then the next level of that is that youre comfortable with the fact that youre
nervous- the next level of that is that you wont be nervous because youre just
comfortable. The funny thing about all this- and this really goes back to the deep
issues that you guys are always so powerfully grappling with in your communications
with your students and men, and its what I admire so much about your program is
that you bring a sincere sense of grappling with this issue, because theres no heres
the key, heres the quick answer, this is something that you grapple with, which is
how to give somebody that knowingness in their bones that they can be authentic or
they can just take that breath in their belly and just be okay with that, and it turns
out that we feel as humans- theres this idea that to be sexually confident requires
this force and effort when in fact, in the moment when you get it, when you really
get it, you realize that it was never hard in the first place, it was never about
pushing harder or trying harder or working stronger, it was really just about letting
go of your bullshit, letting go of the way you thought it was supposed to be.
Stopping watching pornography is a really good idea too. You know, I like
pornography, I like porn, I get it, its so much a part of everything that nobody can
really say something like that and not become immediately unpopular, and I accept
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being immediately unpopular, the fact is that most men build a very very strong
reference structure for sex in one arena, which is visual, and watching somebody
else do it. They build no reference structure by comparison, maybe 1% of their
sexual reality is with women and 99% is on the internet, and thats very very
unbalanced, because sex isnt about watching somebody else do something, sex is
about being involved in doing something, and it is fundamentally different, because
sex, beautiful sex is about smelling, its about touch, its about connection, its about
the texture of her hair, its about all of these things, and the things that you do are
completely different than what would be done in pornography, the mental place
youre coming from is completely different from what those actors are doing, all
thats required of those actors is the physical act, theyre not required to actually
emote, I mean, watching a Hollywood love scene is much much closer to the truth.
But the truth of the truth is being authentic and enjoying the moment and not
getting so trapped. Most men masturbate to a single type of thing thats their
favorite thing, you know, its that favorite moment- its the facial, its the breast
thing, its the foot thing, whatever their thing- its the squirt thing, whatever their
little thing is, and they watch that over and over, this tiny little piece, and sex is not
that tiny little piece.
BB: What I heard was a practice for men to take into their lives thats concrete is
you said, this is about enjoying the texture of her hair or the scent of her skin or
whatever that is, and it just occurred to me, this is something I talk about is that you
can practice becoming a better lover by how you make your breakfast in the morning
and that- just by celebrating each experience, moment to moment, like being able to
feel the coolness of the handle of the refrigerator door on your hand, as you open it,
and as you gently close it with just the right amount of pressure, with having an
economy of movement that youre just refining your sensitivity and your awareness
to your environment, such that when youre with a woman youre touching her with
the exact amount of pressure that youre intending to, that youre refining your
sensitivity- when you eat your food youre not reading a book and watching tv, but
youre tasting every morsel of your bite, that that translates to how you look at a
woman or how you touch her or how you smell her or taste her when the time
comes- that its a refinement of our sensitivities that allows for that kind of sexual
confidence and allows for us to have those kinds of extraordinary experiences.
AA: And you know, the next step- to even do one better than that is just do it with a
girl- theres no reason not to be doing this with a girl, its just a way to appreciate a
woman you just met- really- justtake a dance class!
BB: Totally, and not even necessarily in a sexual environment. Absolutely. I think
dance is so awesome for learning to become a better- like, women- Ive had several
women say, if a man cant dance, then I dont really- its tough for me to want to be
sexual with him, because I know thats how its gonna be with him in the bedroom,
most likely-
AA: You know, I wanted to make a quick little note here, because there are men that
are really clumsy dancers-
BB: Who are really good in bed.
AA: Perhaps. I havent been in bed with them. The point is I wouldnt want to put
them off and say this is going to be an issue for them. The thing that really
impresses women is a man that dances without self-consciousness. Men who are
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fantastic dancers- of course theyre not self-conscious, in fact, theyre showing off,
they know what they got and women love it, they love it! But they also love the guy
who, you know, Napoleon Dynamite, hes just in it and digs it and hes comfortable
with himself- hes right there in his bones, in his skin, enjoying the music, enjoying
the beauty of the night- just being in the beauty of the evening and he doesnt give a
fuck if he looks fantastic or if he knows every step, hes out there to enjoy himself.
Women really respond to that, they really get in tune with what that means about
this character.
BB: And its gonna be a good time, even if you dont have all the skills down, just
that youre enjoying yourself, its so contagious.
AA: And that, of course, is exactly the point of great sex. Its exactly the point.
BB: Otherwise, what the hell are we doing? Why would we do it anyway?
AA: And let me tell you something, I hate to- I know you spoke to some other people
on the subject, and I wanna say that all perspectives are partial, I dont want anyone
to think that Im right and someone else is wrong, or Im wrong and someone else is
right- all perspectives are partial, we as humans, we have no capacity to know it all-
everything in some circumstances is right, everything in some circumstances is
wrong, with that as a background, let me say that guys who spend too much time
circulating their tantric Taoist energy and that kind of stuff, that in itself is self-
consciousness, that in itself is a not paying attention, that in itself can take you out
of the moment. It is the opposite of great passion, it is the opposite of throw her up
against the wall and fuck her, and sometimes thats the right thing to do, sometimes
theres that moment where there you are, breathing together and youve entrained-
almost by accident, youre in entrainment, there you are breathing in sync, if
someone hooked up a heart monitor, theres an excellent chance your hearts are
beating in sync, and youre having orgasms in sync, and youre circulating energy,
and you leave your bodies and dance in the cosmos, sure. But thats not always it.
And focusing on such a self-conscious, artful piece misses the point of a tremendous
amount of whats available to you, in terms of a sexual palette, which is passion,
opening, surrender, and sometimes its ugly and sometimes its violent and
sometimes its profoundly aggressive, and there are women who cry and who
explode in laughter in the middle of an orgasm, and this is what really happens when
you let all the bullshit go, all the bullshit, including advanced sexual technique, and
youre just raw and exposed, your most fundamental, elemental self, and you bring
her there, itll not only be the most extraordinary experience shes had in her life,
which is its own value, but you get to experience it as well.
BB: That was just an awesome way to close, that so much of this work is a process
of letting go and not adding on. Alex, thanks for doing this interview, this has been
really great. Ive learned a ton, and for you who are watching this right now, Alex
has generously agreed to include, as part of this program, his sexual mastery audio
program, and Alex, could you just briefly outline what guys will get from listening to
that?
AA: Sure, its a great program, I think that the best thing to do is for a guy to do is
just sit down and start listening to it, but its divided into six parts, and each part
addresses a different aspect of sexuality, and I think that men are gonna find their
way around which parts they want- one is about learning self-control of your own
body and your own sexual emotions and sexual needs and one is very fundamental
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about a womans anatomy and how to give them orgasms, and then some of the
more advanced ones go into how to bring that whole spiritual sensibility into love-
making and all of the areas that kind of deals with- its a very different vibe when
youre a couple and you want to make your sex last, you want it to be hot later, and
a lot of couples lose that over time, it doesnt necessarily address your audience, but
if youre in a long-term-
BB: Eventually it will- for the guys that are listening to this, I see that as definitely
being relevant.
AA: Yea, so I think that guys will find their own level of whats useful in the program,
a lot of very advanced information in there, and I hope they enjoy it, thats why Im
handing it out.
BB: Thanks again for being on here Alex, I really enjoyed this, I really learned a lot
and Im sure whoever has been watching this has as well, so thanks again for being
here.
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Authentic Sexual Power Disc #5
Building Your Erotic Identity

And Activating Your Sexual
Circuitry
with Destin Gerek, The Erotic Rock Star
BB: Hi and welcome to the next interview in our series. This next person Im excited
to share with you. Hes somebody I actually considered whether I should have on the
program or not cause I thought he might honestly blow you guys out. Were in
Northern California, weve got a lot of edgy people who are very progressive, who we
decide whether this is somebody youd really be able to relate to or not, and at the
end of the day, I decided this is somebody youre gonna definitely want to hear from
and learn from because he pushes the boundaries of exactly what were talking
about accessing your masculine sexual power and sexual desire in some really
profound ways, and thats really what hes up to. Hes committed to helping people
completely transform their relationship to their own sexuality and their own desire.
Ive personally done one-on-one work with him and gotten some great results. This
guy, he calls himself the Erotic Rock Star and when I first heard this guy, I was like,
who is this guy who calls himself the Erotic Rock Star, I was just very curious to see
who this guy was. And were gonna get to meet him right now. This is Destin Gerek,
the Erotic Rock Star. And Im really glad to have him here today. Welcome.
DG: Thank you, Bryan. And its definitely a pleasure to be here with you and to be
presenting for all these folks at home.
BB: Thank you. So we talked a little bit about what we wanted to discuss in this
interview. Basically, I would love to hear, first of all, from you- I know where youre
at now- I know youve done- can you just tell me a little bit about your formal
training background, and then I want to go into what got you into that.
DG: Sure. Ive identified as a sexuality educator of some sort since I was a freshman
in college at 18, Im about to turn 31, so more than 12 years. And from starting out
teaching workshops for other students at NYU, where I went to school and taking all
of their courses around human sexuality, sex, gender, etc. to teaching sex ed to
middle school and high school students to working with medical students-
BB: Did you dress like this for the sex ed in middle school?
DG: You know, Ive been through a lot of things, the erotic rock star, which is
actually what well be speaking about in a minute has more to do with a personal
transformation that I went through only within the past 2 to 3 years. So before then,
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I was much more of an academic around sexuality education- I dont know if any of
you guys at home can relate to this, but I lived up here (indicates head) pretty much
all the time. And now Ive
BB: Youve brought it down.
DG: Yea.
BB: Thats such a common thing when guys come into contact with this kind of work,
with AMP work or any kind of mens work, its kind of like, dude, get out of your
fucking head, bring it down, start feeling the sensations in your body, start
becoming aware and becoming more embodied, and this is an aspect of that.
DG: In all honesty, thats the thing I love most about AMP, and that has definitely
drawn me to what you guys are doing the most. You teach presence. And really,
thats 90% of most everything, if you can bring presence into your life in all aspects
of your life, it changes everything, how you interact with your work, how you interact
in the dating scene, how you interact with other men, how you interact with women,
and particularly how you are in the bedroom, I mean, this is something people dont
generally talk about- I mean, what do things like meditation have to do with sex?
And the fact of the matter is meditation really is about presence and really being
there with your partner, with this person who youre being sexual with. Really being
there is what makes the difference between having okay sex and having powerful
connective mind-blowing, soul shattering sex.
BB: And like we said before, women can really tell right when they walk up to you
before youve even said a word, whether they would have access to those kinds of
sexual experiences in the bedroom. We have exercises in AMP where women will
say- a guy will walk on and shell say, how youd be in bed is and she goes on and
hes like, aah! because he knows he just got nailed, shes like, youd be kinda like,
uhhh, youd be kinda jumpy or if I really let go, I dont know if youd be able to hold
me. I think youd really freak out, and hes like- or for you, itd be like really rigid
and like, Im gonna do this right, and Im gonna get this right, and youre gonna
have it, and Id just feel like a receptacle. Soalways nails him, so definitely women
can feel that, so us cultivating our relationship to our own sexuality now translates to
even before we meet a woman, if were single, thats huge anyway.
DG: Absolutely. I like the way you phrased that, because too often, guys have this
idea that they need to learn how to interact with women. It starts with, how can I
improve sex with women, and the answer really comes down to how do you relate to
yourself? How do you feel about yourself? How do you relate to sex? Not just with
somebody else, but your own sexuality. If deep down inside, you think of sex as this
dirty thing, as this shameful thing, holding on to this negativity, you know- its very
common, why? Because its the general messaging we get in our culture growing up
as kids, as teens, all the messaging really is around, sex is dirty, sex is shameful,
save it for someone you love. You know, we have this weird multiple personality
disorder when it comes to sex.
BB: Or else we like, check out and were like, fuck it! Im gonna have sex with
anything that moves! If its got a hole in it, Im gonna fuck it! Just to like- we
overcompensate on the other side of things, so its like we either completely collapse
and withdraw from sex or we posture and put on a show around it. And thats what I
love about your work is you teach us to integrate sex into our lives so that its an
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expression of who we are and I really see the Erotic Rock Star persona that youve
chosen for yourself is a consciously chosen- its like a vehicle to transmit this way of
being out into the world.
DG: Youve got me nailed pretty well. I like the way Bryan just explained it as this
persona that Ive created, it isnt, in all honesty, its a- I- Destin Gerek the Erotic
Rock Star isnt who Ive always been, in fact its not all of who I am now. Its a part
of me. And the fact of the matter is I have my ideal of who that is. And then theres
who I am in this moment, and thats where I am at other moments. I wanna speak a
little bit more on that. One of the most powerful tools or exercises I can really
recommend to you at home around cultivating a stronger connection with your
sexuality, and cultivating a more positive connection to your own sexuality is first
getting clear on what would that look like? what would it be to really get clear on
my sexuality? what would it be like to be a powerfully- to be an erotically
empowered men? Screw all these ideas of what thats supposed to mean based on
cultural assumptions or ideas, but what does that mean to you? Take the time,
whether you hit pause on this video now or you wait til later- get out a pen and a
paper or sit at your computer, whatever works for you- just freewrite. Just freewrite,
like, my ideal connection to my erotic self would look likeand turn off your critique
and just let it flow, let it flow, and see what comes out, and then do it again, cause it
will evolve.
BB: So, just for the guys, to have an idea of that- I think thats a really awesome
exercise, for the guys to ask, what is it that I want my relationship to my sexuality
to be? For you, when you say your vision of being a man whos erotically
empowered, can you just lay out what that is for you?
DG: Sure. For me it really starts with feeling centered, and that really is here- feeling
centered in my heart. Feeling grounded, and loving. When Im in that place of feeling
centered, grounded, and loving, then I feel safe to allow my sexuality to come forth,
I feel good about letting my sexuality shine through and radiate out, as a pure
expression of who I am, part of my being. Too often when a guy wants to tap into or
be in his sexuality or express it freely, what it ends up being or feeling is that oh no,
hes just like reaching or grabbing for something,
BB: I want it, gimme it!
DG: Which women feel, women feel, and what it ends up feeling like is either
desperation or like, youre just a selfish, taking type of guy.
BB: A taker.
DG: Yea, exactly. So thats hugely different-
BB: Cause a lot of guys will say, alright, Im gonna be in my sexual power and Im
just gonna get what I want! Thats not what were talking about here. What youre
talking about is being an erotically empowered man is being connected to your heart
and allowing- you were doing it like this (heart opening gesture) kind of an outward
expression rather than trying to bring it-
DG: Good. Sort of exactly like that- I used the word before- radiating out- within you
there is a sexuality. You may be extremely connected to it, you may feel extremely
disconnected to it, but as a human being, its part of your birthright, its part of who
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you are, you were born a sexual being, you will die a sexual being, so part of it is
how can I feel good about my sexuality. Its about creating that connection between
body, mind, and spirit. And your emotions. And your emotions is an aspect that a lot
of guys end up feeling very disconnected from, which again, I feel is one of the
things that AMP is good about, even though its simple presence, like connecting in
to your feeling state, what you notice you feel in your body at this moment, all of
those things are fantastic goals.
BB: Thats a big aspect of what we talk about is actually feeling attraction in your
body and what does that elicit inside of you.
DG: Or do you just think that this is what Im supposed to want, or oh she is
somebodys idea of whats attractive, therefore Im supposed to be after, and Ill be
more of a man if I can fuck her tonight. You know? Thats not at all what Im about.
To me, all thats really about ego, all thats really about false, macho faade, and its
very clear that theres a big difference between connecting to your masculinity and
projecting a macho faade. Being strong and comfortable in your masculinity, you
dont need a macho faade, you can even be in your emotions!
BB: Like even for you, this is definitely a persona you have, but youre still
emotionally available, youre still available to be impacted, and you give yourself a
lot of freedom- its not like, hi, Im the erotic rock star, and you have to be a certain
way exactly, that would be one thing, wouldnt it? Youre actually available- vast
facets of your personality are available, and I think thats a key piece. So what I took
away from what you said is a heart connection, but also being erotically empowered
is more about allowing that to permeate the room or the women that youre with
rather than trying to get something from them. We talk about masculine presence as
penetrative and expansive, and thats kind of what I heard you describing.
DG: So a key aspect that Ive found in terms of really creating my ideals was shifting
from this identification of who I am based on who Ive been, and shifting more
towards who I am based on who I am becoming, and thats ultimately really a long
change, you make that slight little shift and your whole paradigm-
BB: The whole direction of the boat goes a different way-
DG: Yea. Exactly. One is very limiting, oh I cant do that, thats not me, well, who
are you? And if thats something that youd like to be, try it on! How does it feel?
And maybe even it feels a little uncomfortable, thats okay. Try it again.
BB: We say a lot that being authentic doesnt always mean doing whats
comfortable, that a lot of times our authenticity really pushes edges and boundaries
around really claiming more of who we are, and being inauthentic is actually the path
of least resistance a lot of times, well, Ive being doing it this way- Ive been faking
it most of my life, so Ive been holding back from really expressing myself most of
my life, so this is what comes natural to me,
DG: I actually feel like something thats important to touch on, because so much of
the focus of yours and my work is, how do you balance creating an ideal, creating a
persona with being authentic? Wouldnt that mean to be fake? Wouldnt that mean
being inauthentic? And this is something that Ive put a lot of thought into, because
being authentic is really important to me too. Theres this old Tantric philosopher
named Osho, who Ive learned quite a bit from.
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BB: Hes awesome. I love his work.
DG: And I came across an article that touched on him, my first connection to Osho,
he spoke of, all personality as such is mask, and that one little phrase, I swear I
spent like
a year bresting this phrase, and different layers of what it means. Again, let me
repeat it, all personality as such is mask. So whether its good personality or bad
personality or shes funny, hes the bad guy-
BB: Any labels we put on it.
DG: Its not who you are. Its simply a personality. A way that you present yourself
to the world-
BB: Its like an outfit that you put on.
DG: Exactly.
BB: A personality suit.
DG: Whether this is your costume, or this is your costume, its all just costume,
personality also is costumes and outfits, but underneath that, underneath that is a
deeper essence. And in that essence, there is unlimited potential, unlimited
possibility. And the only way to really address what youre capable of, is by trying on
a new mask. Is by trying on different ways of being. And ultimately, the ones that
feel the most right, the most empowering? To me, that is who you really are. Thats
the who you are who you have not yet been. It gets back to the you you are
becoming.
BB: And its often edgy, its not always comfortable. Ive watched your evolution and
it feels fuckin intense to own being the erotic rock star, yea, thats fuckin edgy, but
its really great, I see your humanity coming through as youre like, yea, Im
claiming this for myself, and it doesnt mean Im not embodying- that Im
embodying it as fully as Id like to- like you said, theres a vision of who youre
inspired to become.
DG: So the idea there is simply if you have an ideal- if youre sure of, so now I
grasp who Id like to be, the me thats only I, the you that only you can dream up,
this is your vision, thats the you that you truly are beneath everything. The you that
you are in the process of becoming that nobody else can become. And the fact of the
matter is- chances are youll never %100 of that being. Thats the idea behind an
ideal, is that you place the ideal in front of you on a map, and you just start walking
in that direction. And just keep walking.
BB: And it doesnt mean youre wrong or bad if youre not there yet.
DG: No.
BB: Cause ideally youll never get there. Cause once you get there, you stop-
DG: If you get there, create a new ideal. That means that, congratulations, its time
to keep moving forward. And another really important key to keep in mind is that
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you will slip in that. I can tell you that all the time I find myself doing things, and Im
like, woah, thats not in alignment with the me that I strive to be. Alright, well,
theres an old Chinese proverb that says, Fall down 7 times, get up 8. And just re-
focus.
BB: And I really encourage- as we focus on bringing these aspects of ourselves out,
whether its our power or our sexuality, or our desire, one of the things that really
help us with that- is helping us get in touch with ourselves. Its not like, hmm, Im
gonna go to the store and try on random clothing, its really like dropping into whats
true for me, and what is it that would be the most powerful, honest, authentic
expression of whats present for me inside, and how to have that expressed in the
world?
DG: And how can I push that edge just a bit?
BB: And leaning into that edge. And so I know that youve actually done some
practices with me, to help me get more in touch with who my authentic self is,
especially as my authentic self relates to- whatever my authentic self is- for me
thats an ongoing question, like who am I? Thats a deep, spiritual question that- you
really could go all the way down to the bottom of- theres really no answer that Ive
found that I could put into words for that. However, there are things that seem to
come through- whatever this body-mind is, and it happens to be in some ways
related to my sexuality and my desire and my power, and I think there are some
practices that we can do, that we could show you who are watching this right now,
that could help us get in touch with our bodies so that then we could bring that into-
so that then, from that place, itd be like, oh! so this is whats true for me!
DG: So one of the things I mentioned is I keep touching here, at my heart. Too
often, as guys, we have this idea that in order to be in our sexual power, it starts
here (grabs crotch) and ends here. Cock-focused and cock-driven. Women usually
can feel that, and for a lot of women, anyway, its not the most attractive thing in
the world. It tends to come across as- guys who are in that often end up feeling like
the assholes who want nothing other than to throw another notch on their belt.
BB: Theres a lack of regard.
DG: And so, a big part of my sexual expression is really rooted in connecting through
my heart. Connecting to this energy in my groin, by passing through the energy in
my heart. Through my heart, I know how to love, I know about connection, I know
about intimacy, and a) those are the things that women generally really respond to,
and b) they just feel really good for me as well.
BB: It has them feel safe and it has turned on at the same time.
DG: Thats about keeping that connection between the groin and the heart. Too often
theres an idea that Im either gonna be the asshole or the nice guy.
BB: One or the other, its like that dichotomy. Either Im the classic castrated guy, or
Im like Tom Cruise from Magnolia, whos like, respect the cock! that whole
persona, which is- if youve never felt that before a lot of guys will overcompensate,
but bringing balance, bringing both together.
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DG: And again, I think that balance involves feeling and connecting to your feelings,
as well as knowing on a deep level that sex and sexuality can be a beautiful,
positive, connective thing that you can share with a woman, and not simply this
negative, dirty, shameful thing that I have to convince a woman to let me do to her.
BB: Or it could be beautiful and raunchy, it could be like-thats the sweet spot, isnt
it?
DG: I actually had somebody refer to it recently as wickedly wholesome. Theres

something I like about that phrase.
BB: So do you have an exercise that you could teach us to coordinate both of them.
DG: Yea, its sort of like my take on whats known as the microcosmic orbit.
BB: Yea, this is an awesome practice. I learned about the microcosmic orbit years
ago when I was studying all this stuff, and Mantak Chia is one of the primary guys- is
he in Thailand? In Thailand, and he learned- theres this ancient Taoist philosophy
that theres these circuits of energy that run through our bodies, and the Taoist
microcosmic orbit, as I understand, is the access to full-body orgasms, instead of
just being like, hump hump squirt, and youre done, that youre actually able to
expand and fill your entire body with orgasm, which means you can last as long as
you want sexually, it means youre able to direct sexual energy to her and let her
have full body orgasms, by opening up those channels, and Im actually doing some
pretty rigorous practices right now, cause Ive had that on my list- full-body
orgasms, I want em, I wanna have access to those, Ive been half-assing those
practices for about six years now, like on and off, a little bit here and there- I just
recently committed to my mens circle, Im doing these practices, I will open up
these channels in my body or I dont know whats gonna happen- so Im doing, like,
breathing practices, thats what I think youre gonna teach us in a moment, and
these are awesome for healing your body, and also for circulating sexual energy.
DG: You touched on a lot right there, but its actually very timely, cause Im
currently in the process of developing, and by the time you get this, itll probably
actually be here, a program or course called, Orgasmic Mastery, thats exactly about
this, and about learning how to have more choice over if and when you ejaculate,
learning to separate ejaculation from orgasm, be able to experience full body
orgasms, thats your entire body, and the non-ejaculatory orgasms, and even the
holy grail of male multiple orgasms, but a big piece of this really starts with these
microcosmic orbits, so lets share a little bit of that with you right here, right now.
BB: So pay attention to this at home, guys, and actually follow along. You can watch
this and be a silent, passive spectator, chilling there on your couch or you can
actually engage with it, and have this make a real difference in your life. So, I think
you know what our preference is, and I think you know what would serve you the
most, so go for it! Follow this exercise as we go through it ourselves, and notice
what you experience in your own body.
DG: So take this moment to get comfortable. You want to have your ass firmly on
something, over the chair is good, and your feet, unlike us right now, were on
stools- where your feet can be flat on the floor, and sit up straight, try to imagine
your back- your vertical column in alignment, and close your eyes. And allow your
attention to come into your body for a moment, and just feel the ground underneath
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your feet. Shift your awareness from your right foot to your left foot. Feel a
connection to the ground. Feel the ground. And bring your attention to your breath.
And just notice if your breathing is shallow or if its deep. Notice if your breath is in
your chest or in your belly. And notice if its rapid or if its slow. Now with your next
breath, just allow your breath to become deeper, allow it to come into your belly,
really allow your belly to expand during the in and out, and slow it down. Into your
belly. Slow in and out. Now place the tip of your tongue at the roof of your mouth,
right behind your front teeth, this kind of helps lead to the circuit that were about to
open. And as you take your next in-breath, create a visual in your minds eye of this
energetic pathway, just imagine it, that goes from your third eye, the area at the
center of your forehead, down the front of your body, as you inhale, just breathe it
down the front of your body, feel it pass through your heart, really feel your heart,
let it pass through, continue to visualize in your minds eye as you pass it down on
your inhale, and take it all the way down to your cock. All the way down to your
balls, breathe into your cock, breathe into your balls, and on your exhale, just
imagine that circuit completing by coming up your spinal column, all the way up to
the top of your head. So again, eyes closed, breathe it down, exhaling, letting it
come up your spinal column, breathing it down the front, through your heart, into
your cock, and up the back. Feeling your tongue on the roof of your mouth. And one
more time. This is ultimately a very simple exercise. If you found it challenging at all
to see this loop, this orbit, thats totally okay, thats fine, thats very normal, just
keep practicing it, keep playing with it, its an imagination game really. Until you can
more and more clearly get this visual. You may also find it helpful if you use touch-
points, like I was doing, where youre tracing lines on your body along these paths,
and that may help you get that visual, until it becomes easier and easier. And you
know, the visualization can just to help you intentionally move that energetic
current. So notice were doing both breathing through the heart, as well as really
allowing yourself to have your awareness in your cock and really have your
awareness in your balls, bringing that energy all the way down into that field.
BB: Thank you.
DG: So okay, lets say youre going to hit the town, try and feel your way into this
ideal erotic self that youve created. Youre at home first, sit up, right? Play with this
a couple times, get comfortable in your body, sit in a good posture, maybe first see
yourself, your ideal self, your higher self in your social situation acting most how you
would want it to be. See it! If you cant see it, its harder to be it. And play with
those breaths. And with each inhale, just practice taking it slower, deeper, and more
into your belly. All the way down, and up. Play with it regularly. It gets easier and
easier and easier. And it grounds you, it centers you, it appreciates, accepts your
sexuality as part of who you are, as well as your heart, your emotions and feelings of
your heart opening up. See how it works.
BB: When I do this practice, whenever Im driving, Ill practice circulating, and
actually part of my commitment, my practice is good for that, and I might even do it
as Im talking, Ive been doing it as a masturbatory practice when Im circulating
energy- Im not ejaculating, but Im masturbating to move the energy down the back
and out the front, so Im moving the sexual energy as opposed to just the breathing.
Sometimes Ill get chills going up my spine, I can feel it through my whole body. Its
taken awhile to get to that point, but-
DG: Its rewarding.
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BB: Yea. Its cool, and for me that helps relax open the tension when Im making
love, or having sex, and Im aware, I have more control, I have more choice, and
also Im able to move the energy a little more rather than having it all build up, and
then I dont- Im stuck and I dont know what to do with it.
DG: I have to say Bryans actually, revealing some of the secrets that we go through
with the Orgasmic Mastery program. So much of it really does start with how you
relate to your own sexuality, including your own masturbation practices, again, the
tendency is this idea of, okay, what do I do when I have this woman in front of me?
BB: Well, its too late-
DG: If whenever youre masturbating, if its just pop up the porn and how quickly
can I get off? Well, how do you think youre training your body-
BB: You wanna train your body to be able to relax and soften and anyplace where
theres tension, you can relax and open, and I think thats also going to encourage
away shame. Anyplace where were holding on, shame has to get tight to live, so Im
just practicing relaxing, Im breathing in all the places where Im tight, thats just
gonna chill out and relax all the places where theres shame, too.
DG: And thats actually a great piece to add in too, as youre practicing this
microcosmic orbit, feel into, where do I notice places of tension in my body? as I
continue playing with this breath. On the exhale particularly. Can I relax that
tension? Can I release that? Particularly notice whats going on in your pelvis. This is
where we hold so much.
BB: So much emotion, too.
DG: So can I work with the exhale to let some of that go. And let some of it go.
BB: Its a great exercise. I like the idea of letting it go on the exhale, too, its almost,
like, leaving the body. You can feel where that makes it easier.
DG: And just generally speaking, the cells have a tendency to contract more during
inhalation, and relax more during exhalation.
BB: Cool. Great practice. This is all great, awesome material, and what Id like to do
now is bring it to, specifically focus on how it relates to interacting with women. A lot
of our guys are single or theyre dating, some of them are in relationships too, but I
wanna bring a particular focused attention on a guys meeting a woman for the first
time, or a guys on one of the first couple dates, and he wants to bring his sexual
expression fully to those interactions. What does that look like?
DG: Sure. I feel that there are two major pieces to this, if you want to be able to be
in your turn-on and not feel like you have to shut it down, as well as allow her to feel
your turn-on and hopefully even be turned on by that. First, is simply, simply?
clearing away how you feel about sex and sexuality, which we talked about earlier,
and making the intention concrete towards seeing the beauty in sex and what do I
have to share, versus what do I have to take- if your approach to sex is that women
dont really want sex, women need to be convinced to have sex, women are the
gatekeepers that stand between you and their pussy, its probably not gonna work
quite so well. If thats your general approach. If you are in your turn-on, if you are
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feeling your sexual energy, chances are more likely that shes gonna feel that and
feel that she has to put up defenses against your turn-on.
BB: If youre trying to get something, then shes gonna put up the fences.
DG: Exactly. If you see her as the gatekeeper, then she will respond as such. If, on
the other hand, you begin to more and more approach your sexuality and womens
sexuality as, you know what? women are sexual creatures as well, they have want
and desire as well- you just need to engage that desire, instead of, how can I push,
how can I take? my big approach is how can I attract? how can I draw out of her?
BB: Invite.
DG: Yea, how can I invite? So the second part that I mentioned is that you want her
to feel that you are turned on and feel safe with that turn-on. Feel safe to feel her
turn-on.
BB: By feeling safe, its like, I dont need anything from you, and I have desire for
you.
Both of those.
DG: That sex, as in sexual experience is something I want to share with you, not
something I want to take from you. And again, its these key distinctions that make
all the difference. So this again, comes back to that microcosmic orbit, how do you
connect to your feeling state, how do you connect to your heart, and how do you feel
your cock? Can you feel both your heart and your genitals at the same time? And be
in that. And then, when youre being turned on, dont feel like, oh crap, Im not
supposed to have an erection right now, just smile and be with it, and hold onto
your sense of humour in the situation as well, it goes back to allowing your sexuality
to radiate from you, rather than-
BB: Needing to reach out-
DG: And have your sexuality be that youre taking something from somebody else.
BB: Well said. So just to go back to the identity piece of bringing out more of who
you are, as an expression of who we are, whether its sexual or otherwise. Youve
created a persona thats a facet of yourself, of your expression- this erotic rock star
persona. And for each of us, there may be a persona that we bring out, like Ive got
Bryan the authentic man persona, and each of us have an aspect of us that we bring,
and its an authentic expression of who we are. How would you recommend for whos
watching this to bring out their equivalent of the erotic rock star, I mean it wouldnt
necessarily end up looking like you, but it would be some, turned up the dial to 11
expression of who they are in the world. Whats that?
DG: Sure, well I mean, the best access to that is enrolling in my Unleashing your
Inner Erotic Rock Star, program, but to give some simple aspects to it- one part that
I feel cant be overstated is around creating your own personal style. Especially for
guys, I feel that we dont put enough attention on how we dress. But again, as we
were speaking earlier, this is all costumage, whether what you wear to go out at
night or the suit you may wear to go to work, or how you dress to feel like an erotic
rock star, its about finding your particular style, and particularly an aspect that guys
dont pay enough attention to is when youre going out to try something on, to try on
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new clothes for the first time, asking yourself the question, do I feel sexy in this?
That question can be so edgy for a lot of guys, because the idea of feeling sexy is
something thats hard for a lot of guys to connect to. But you know what, you gotta
start with asking the question, how can I feel sexier than how I usually feel? If you
try on a new shirt, if you ask yourself that question, and your answer is, wellnnhh,
well, try on something else. And again, if it feels slightly uncomfortable, its not
necessarily a bad thing- imagine if that question was like, do I feel good in this? do
I feel confident in this? do I feel good? you know? So much of sexiness, especially
for guys, really does come down to a feeling of confidence-
BB: So youre just saying allow your clothing, which is a conscious choice, its not
just something you slap on, but you choose it consciously-
DG: Ideally.
BB: Ideally, its something that you choose consciously, that its an expression of
who you are, and its something that lets you feel confident, even if it feels a little
edgy confident.
DG: Id say even especially. I cant tell you how many times Ive been out and a
woman has come up to me and said something along the lines of, I wish my
boyfriend would learn something about style from you, or dress like that, or
something, you know? And like, most women have some sense of style. Women
have a tendency to be drawn towards the aesthetic, to be drawn to these types of
things. They do. Of course theyd prefer or want their guy to pay some attention to
their look. It doesnt mean that you need to spend as much time in front of a mirror
as I do. A little self-deprecating humor there. But just give some attention to it. How
do you look? But as you were saying, it doesnt necessarily mean spending a fortune
either, especially in these economic times, you dont need to. Its simply about, what
can I do to feel a little bit sexier? to look a little bit better? You know, if you really
need some help with it, look at some mens magazines. Watch some movies.
BB: Or go out with a woman and have her work with you. It still cant be shes
dressing you, its gotta be following what feels on for you. So thats one aspect is
dress. Any other tips for men when theyre relating with women that would really
support them in bringing more of a clear heart and cock connection whenever theyre
relating with women.
DG: One aspect that cant be understated as well, has to do with eye contact. And I
want to start with the biggest mistake that guys who do try to pay attention to eye
contact make. For one, make it- make eye contact, I know that for a longest time I
didnt. And I didnt even know that I didnt. I thought that I was maybe making eye
contact with somebody, I was always looking slightly off. There was somewhere deep
within me that was maybe afraid to make full contact. And its huge. A great practice
around that is whats known as mirror work. Maybe in the bathroom before you get
out, before you go
back out each time, take a moment to make eye contact with yourself. I recommend
gazing into your left eye, cause it has to be one or else youre doing a lot of this-
bouncing back and forth, which doesnt feel as strong as a held gaze. So pick one
and hold that. And just play with that, maybe 30 seconds, maybe a minute, maybe
longer if that works for you. So the biggest mistake that men who pay attention to
eye contact tend to make is they stare, rather than gaze. The major way I make that
distinction is that staring tends to be this way (points) and gazing tends to be this
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way (circular motion). Eye gazing involves both a sharing of your gaze outward as
well as opening to receive the gaze of the person in front of you. Women can totally
feel the difference. And you know what? That difference translates to sex in so many
ways. It speaks so much as to who you are as a lover. Are you a taker? Are you a, I
am penetrating, I am going in?
Or are you tuning in? Are you sharing forward? Are you allowing yourself to open and
receive her energy as well as sharing your own?
BB: That makes a big difference, because its not safe for her if youre just going to
take. She has to know youre in tune with her.
DG: And it also lets her know that you value her as a human being, that you
recognize that she has value to share with you, as well as value that youve decided
you have to share with her. Which, you know, hopefully you do see value that you
have to share, but its gotta be a two-way street.
BB: Thats a lot. All on just the gaze. Thats great. Its funny, we had a party for one
of our AMP guys, and there were a bunch of AMP guys there, and a girl came in that
I was dating, and she was like, you guys have all done AMP, havent you? and I was
like, yea, how did you know? you guys all have that AMP look, and I was like,
what do you mean? and she kind of mocked it up. And I was like- she kind of
exaggerated it, but it was interesting to see- we do make a lot of eye contact, guys
who come through the course, they become comfortable with a lot more intimacy
and connectedness than most people. Most people are like, hey-how you doing?
they flip, they flip back and forth, theyre not really like, hi. And they dont really
connect.
DG: And again, I cant overstress how important this is, I cant relate how many
women have said this to me- things like, usually when a guy gazes with me, theres
something in me that feels like I have to pull back or-
BB: Keep him out.
DG: Exactly. Keep him out. -but with you, I feel like I can relax. And I know why.
Its because Im allowing a loop and not just a push.
BB: Very good.
DG: Practice it, play with it, as well as guy friends-
BB: Everybody. If theres a guy and I meet him and he doesnt take a moment to
just acknowledge me, and really be able to make full contact with me, and just like,
acknowledge me as another man, my respect for him just drops, Im like, oh this
guy does not know how to be with people. It just is like, oh- too bad, I want that for
him.
BB: So Destin, we talked, and Destin is gonna share with you three key exercises for
opening up the channels in your body so that more sexual energy can be flowing, so
you have more access to your sexual desire, and your sexual power. So Im gonna
leave it to you.
DG: Sounds good.
80
When were feeling really constricted in our pelvis, literally the erotic energy doesnt
have anywhere else to go, the musculature is holding the energy is held, so its really
key to open this up. So a couple of key practices can be: self-massage. Just feel
around and find places of tension, like right now, Im feeling a lot of tension right
there. You may want to use oil or lotion or maybe just do it dry, and give some self-
massage to places that you feel tight. You can even incorporate this into any self-
touch or masturbation patterns that youve got. Playing with opening this up before
you get down to here. Another great practice, again, one thats really easy- helping
open up more in here-theres a youtube video on this called the asian squat, but with
your feet, including your heels, this parts key, with your heels on the ground, see
how low you can bring yourself, you might not be able to come down this low, but
now I can. Hands in a prayer position, help push your knees out. Again, if youre not
this flexible at this point, dont worry about it, you dont need to be. Simply find your
edge and lean into it. If youre like, this is all I can do, alright, well, maybe you
cant do it for very long, do it for as long as you can, as much as you can, then stop
and do something else, maybe more massage here, then do it again. Maybe you can
drop a little more into it. On your exhale, sinking down, and that, again, will really
open this up. And now for the third and final exercise. For some guys this is really
edgy, and its using dance as erotic exploration. Now I dont know about you all, but
there was a time where dancing or even the idea of dancing was terrifying for me.
Terrifying. I remember a particular story from high school, in which, a good female
friend of mine, Nidira, promised me- to meet her after school and she would teach
me how to dance. I got kind of excited about this, a kind of scared, and met her
there, and she pulled out a boombox and said, okay, well, lets start out with
showing me where you are, Im like, uhhh, okay. And she turned on some music,
and I listened to it, and I was like, uhh, (stomps) No. Really. And her very kind,
caring response to that was to burst out laughing. That didnt feel particularly good,
and she basically said, I have no idea what to do with you. So this wasnt exactly the
self-esteem boost that I was hoping for. Today, I get paid quite often to dance. So
its a big shift. So heres a very simple simple exercise that will help you get more
into your hips, cause the fact of the matter is if you know how to move your hips on
the dance floor, youre gonna know something about how to move your hips when
youre in a horizontal position as well. Again, people pick up on that. So, Bryan if you
can throw on our beat for us. So again, start with grounding into your feet. The
ground beneath you. And just tap your foot. Switching to both feet, alternatively.
Picking up the feet. If you can walk, you can dance. Now lets bring this up, towards
your hips, attention to your hips. Start maybe with a tap along with your steps. Then
just give a little swivel with your steps. Were gonna move our hips from side to side.
Just try and create more and more movement with your hips from one side to the
next. Maybe some back, forward. This might look a little familiar. And even add a full
circle. And the other way. So very simple exercises to get more and more
comfortable with creating more freedom with your hips and how you move them.
Until you can step with your hips, and even start dancing. Maybe with some real
music, it would be even easier for you. And these are three simple ways to get more
in touch with your pelvis, and feeling whats going on there. And opening up both
muscular contractions and energetic pathways. When you are walking through the
world, dancing through the world, moving through the world, with more openness in
your hips and more openness in your pelvis, women will feel that and get a sense of
how youre gonna be in bed with them.
BB: Well Destin, thank you very much for coming here, this was a lot of fun, and you
taught us about- you just taught us three exercises in opening up our bodies, our
hips in particular, you taught us the microcosmic orbit, which was a cool surprise,
81
and also just by who youre being, I thought to myself, just who you are and you
being unapologetic about who you are, just gives guys massive permission to be
themselves, in whatever intricacies they feel inspired to express themselves, you
create permission just by who youre being beyond any information that you share. I
just wanted to acknowledge that.
DG: Thank you.
BB: And if guys wanted to learn more about you and about your work, where would
they go to learn about that?
DG: Very easy to remember- its simply eroticrockstar.com. Eroticrockstar.com, and

I have two programs that currently Im offering- both the Unleashing Your Inner
Erotic Rock Star, as well as the new Orgasmic Mastery course for men. If any of this
really touches you, or you really connect with it, drop me a line.
BB: Alright.
DG: Well, keep up the good work.
BB: You too.
82

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AMP Authentic Sexual Power

Authentic Man Program

Authentic Sexual Power

pg. 3Masculine Primal Freedom:

pg. 19 Mastering the Spectrum of Intimacy:

pg. 37.The Erotic Gaze:

pg. 52.Beyond the G-Spot:

pg. 69.Building Your Erotic Identity and Activating Your Sexual

Authentic Man Program

Authentic Sexual Power DVD #1

Masculine Primal Freedom

with Bryan Bayer

So the first of these is withheld communications. Now withheld communications are

Bryan: Alright. So Garrison put a nail in the coffin on delivering withheld

Authentic Man Program

Authentic Sexual Power DVD #2

Mastering the Spectrum of

with Mark Lewis

BB: Im wanna bend her over-

BB: Taking her on a ride?

BB: And you didnt always used to be that way.

ML: She did. And I love it.

BB: Im really excited to hear this.

BB: Its part of whats possible.

BB: And either one is fine.

BB: It takes all three.

BB: So two stages-

BB: -the more permission it gave.

BB: So I should be stopping you, like, hold on.

BB: Where would that get for me?

BB: No, I think its awesome, I think its great.

BB: Did you do a lot of work with

BB: Me too. I did the same thing.

BB: Accepting and embracing whats right.

BB: The upward spiral.

BB: Its that dance-

BB: Thats exciting.

ML: Its fun.

feeling confident, therefore theres something wrong. Therefore all of my attention is

BB: Its the same principle.

BB: That balance between stability and vitality-

Authentic Man Program

Authentic Sexual Desire DVD #3

The Erotic Gaze

with Decker and Danger

DC: You wanna start with that one?

BB: Yea, lets start with that.

BB: Its like tunnelvision.

DR: I cant believe you dragged me into this.

BB: So go ahead and stand behind the camera.

BB: Well be able to break each of those down.

BB: Almost like a predator, like Im hunting something?

BB: Like, see if I can get it.

BB: More objectification?

DR: Mm hmm. Come on, objectify me.

DC: In my ivory tower here. And if I shift to ogling-

DR: My heart starts beating, Im getting scared.

BB: Separate. Like you look at porn, almost.

DC: Depends on the guy.